Jim: Hey.
Dwight: Hello. Jim?
Jim: What's up, buddy?
Dwight: This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?
Jim: Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.
Dwight: Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy.
Jim: Who, Steve?
Dwight: Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is.
Pam: Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup.
Pam: Um, I don't think so, I just bought it.
Dwight: Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me.
Pam: I love these.
Dwight: Okay, fine. Where's my wallet?
Jim: Oh, there it is. J1.
Dwight: But I don't have any...
Jim: Here, you know what? You can have some nickels.
Dwight: [putting quarters in] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five...
Michael: Hello, everyone.
Dwight: Good morning, Michael.
Phyllis: Where are we going this afternoon?
Michael: Ah! Ha ha ha!
Pam: Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
Jim: It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask.'
Pam: A ski mask and a swimsuit.
Jim: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers.
Pam: And brush our teeth.
Michael: Yeah?
Stanley: Michael.
Michael: Stanley! Bo banley.
Stanley: I need to know...
Michael: Banana fana fo fanley.
Stanley: What we're doing.
Michael: Be my mo manley.
Stanley: You said bring a toothbrush.
Michael: Stanley.
Stanley: Is this an overnight?
Michael: Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?
Stanley: Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow?
Michael: Maybe, I don't know.
Stanley: Not maybe. Yes or no.
Michael: Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.
Stanley: In January?
Michael: It's cheaper.
Michael: This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.
Michael: It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise!
Meredith: All right!
Ryan: I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?
Michael: No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan.
Ryan: I'm already in business school.
Michael: Well, this...
Kelly: Wait, Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Kelly: Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
Michael: To throw you off the scent.
Kelly: Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
Michael: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
Kelly: I took the tags off already.
Michael: Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, 'Who is this smart little cookie?' Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
Michael: I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.
Michael: Leader... ship. The word 'ship' is hidden inside the word 'leadership,' as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork!
Oscar: Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went.
Michael: Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?
Darryl: How about the sales department is the sails?
Michael: Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim: Yeesh, how old is this ship?
Pam: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands!
Jim: I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael: Titanic?
Pam: I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
Michael: No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on!
Jim: Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.
Phyllis: Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
Michael: No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse.
Darryl: What?
Michael: The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship.
Dwight: Aye aye, Captain.
Michael: [singing] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.
Michael: Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. [to Kelly] Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... [to Stanley] We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan.
Dwight: Cool.
Captain Jack: Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan.
Michael: I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party.
Captain Jack: I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. [to boarding passengers] Hi, welcome aboard.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose.
Michael: Hey, look! I'm king of the world!
Captain Jack: Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack.
Michael: And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome!
Captain Jack: Okay! So...
Michael: Okay! So...
Captain Jack: Please. The life preservers.
Michael: Right.
Captain Jack: They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat.
Michael: But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.
Captain Jack: Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here...
Michael: I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna...
Captain Jack: Okay, Michael, if you don't mind...
Michael: Rock it!
Captain Jack: Please, okay?
Michael: If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!
Captain Jack: Michael.
Michael: Yep.
Captain Jack: Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?
Michael: We're all gonna have a good time tonight!
Captain Jack: Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?
Michael: Hm? Okay. Yep.
Katy: You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right?
Roy: Yeah.
Katy: Pam, were you a cheerleader?
Roy: No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything!
Katy: That's hilarious.
Jim: It's not hilarious, but...
Roy: Where did you go to school?
Katy: Bishop O'Hara.
Roy: Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you?
Jim: Um, no.
Katy: Yes, I did! [chanting] A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
Roy: I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10!
Michael: Having fun?
Brenda: Yeah. Everybody's really nice.
Michael: Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers.
Brenda: When are you going to start the presentation?
Michael: Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.
Captain Jack: Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo!
Michael: So, okay.
Dwight: Limbo, whoo!
Captain Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be?
Meredith: Me.
Captain Jack: Okay...
Dwight: Me! Me, me, me.
Captain Jack: Uh... usually it's a woman.
Dwight: I'm stronger.
Captain Jack: Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?
Captain Jack: Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you!
Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
Captain Jack: All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest!
Michael: But before that, I have to do my presentation.
Captain Jack: Nope! Dance contest!
Michael: All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate!
Michael: Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.
Dwight: [singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Angela: Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight: I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?!
Darryl and Katy: [chanting] Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot!
Roy: Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on!
Pam: No, I'm not going to do that.
Roy: Come on!
Darryl: That's what I'm talking about!
Pam: Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out?
Roy: I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl!
Pam: It's getting kind of rowdy down there.
Jim: Yeah. [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
Pam: Sometimes I just don't get Roy.
Jim: Well...
Pam: I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader?
Jim: Oh, um... [A long silence.]
Pam: I'm cold.
Captain Jack: So, what's this presentation all about?
Michael: Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?
Captain Jack: Women and children.
Michael: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.
Captain Jack: That's a stupid analogy.
Michael: Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.
Captain Jack: Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm.
Dwight: Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.
Katy: I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?
Pam: Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice.
Captain Jack: Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save?
Jim: Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king.
Michael: Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
Captain Jack: He's just sucking up!
Roy: When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die?
Captain Jack: Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her.
Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.
Roy: Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam!
Michael: I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you?
Roy: No, it was Captain Jack.
Michael: Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great!
Captain Jack: We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship!
Michael: Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Pam: No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there.
Michael: Then I'll give you away!
Pam: No, thank you.
Katy: Do you think that'll ever be us?
Jim: No.
Katy: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim: I don't know. Let's break up.
Katy: Whoa. What?
Captain Jack: This is where Captain Jack drives the boat.
Meredith: Wow!
Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon.
Michael: Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael: Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a...
Captain Jack: Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?
Michael: It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about.
Michael: I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.
Michael: Is somebody there?
Jim: What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim: What a night.
Michael: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim: She was always engaged.
Michael: Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim: That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so...
Michael: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan...
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway.
Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim: She's engaged.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Jim: Huh.
Michael: Never, ever, ever give up.
Dwight: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.
Michael: It's a fake wheel, dummy.
Phyllis: Are you all packed?
Kelly: Yes, I brought my duffel bag and a sleeping bag.
Oscar: Where do you guys think we're going?
Kelly: Definitely some place you can swim.
Oscar: Right.
Phyllis: Maybe Florida.
Kelly: Did you hear something?
Michael: [knocking] Yeah.
Jan: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Hello.
Jan: Can we come in?
Michael: Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jan: Thank you very much.
Michael: Have a seat.
Jan: Brenda.
Michael: Oh, every man's dream.
Jan: Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss?
Michael: Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it's a booze cruise, but it... There's more to the story than that. It...
Jan: A booze cruise? What do you mean?
Michael: Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme...
Jan: Michael, we discussed the IRS's regulations.
Michael: Yeah, I don't even know why I said booze cruise. I don't even think there's booze on the boat.
Jan: Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible.
Michael: Of course.
Jan: We discussed that.
Michael: Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people's lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat.
Jan: Good. This is Brenda Matlow from corporate training.
Michael: Hello.
Jan: I thought she could attend tonight, and if your event is appropriate, you could give it to other branches.
Michael: Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That's... You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.
Michael: Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?
Brenda: Sure...
Jan: Brenda.
Michael: Thanks.
Brenda: I mean, no.
Jan: Okay, you know, I'm gonna go now, and...
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jan: Good luck, Brenda.
Michael: I'll see you later.
Jan: Okay, see you later. And try to be professional.
Michael: I'll call you later.
Jan: No, that's all right.
Michael: That's like...
Jan: You call me if you need anything, Brenda.
Michael: I'll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine.
Michael: What is a sales department? Oscar, what do you think?
Oscar: I don't know what the categories are of workers on a boat.
Michael: I'm not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And...
Dwight: Oh, oh, can I be the first mate?
Michael: No, I'm first mate. You're second mate. I'm first mate, as the captain.
Pam: How about the anchor?
Michael: Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well... [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he's awful.
Brenda: Yeah, I know Toby from Jan's birthday.
Toby: Hey, Brenda.
Michael: Oh, hey, Toby. So... It's an analogy.
Michael: [Toby running to get on the cruise] Hey! What's wrong with you? You missed the boat.
Toby: I got lost.
Michael: Idiot.
Captain Jack: We can go back.
Michael: No, no, no. That's his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor!
Toby: I guess I shouldn't have stopped for dinner.
Dwight: On the high seas, Captain Jack is the leader. On the land it's Michael. On the ramp up to the boat, I was a bit conflicted. But now that I'm here, I'll follow Captain Jack to hell and back.
Dwight: Hey, Captain Jack, what kind of fish they got in this lake?
Captain Jack: Perch, bass.
Dwight: You know, my grandfather told me there was a monster here that eats Catholics. Have you heard...
Captain Jack: I haven't heard that, Dwight.
Dwight: If the hull is breached for any reason or the boat is overtaken, I am a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, and you can count on me.
Captain Jack: That's good to know, Dwight. Thanks.
Michael: Your problem now, Captain Jack.
Michael: Hey. You know what the best way of studying is?
Ryan: At home, not on a boat?
Michael: Flash cards.
Ryan: Flash cards. Doesn't really help me right now because I'm on a boat.
Michael: You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here.
Ryan: Well...
Captain Jack: Yeah! All right. All right. That was awesome. All right, looks like the guitar player's gonna take a little break. So this'd be a great time to head on over to the taco bar. All right.
Michael: That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let's, uh,... Let's rock. Let's rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay... I'm hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What?
Creed: Do you want me to give it a shot? Just...
Michael: You know what? I don't think it's in...
Creed: I...
Michael: That's not in tune. I don't know if you can...
Creed: I don't know, let's try.
Michael: ...make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don't know. It is a defective ax, my friend.
Creed: All right.
Michael: Good luck.
Creed: Guys, E, blues. Follow me, okay? [playing well]
Roy: Yeah!
Creed: Back in the '60s, I was with the Grass Roots. We toured with Janis Joplin, The Doors, Cream. We had a lot of fun, And now I do quality assurance for a paper company. As you can imagine, drugs played a part. They still do. My work calls last about 90 seconds, and that's about as long as I can concentrate.
Michael: Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I'm old.
Ryan: [throwing up]
Darryl: [speaking Spanish] Por favor, tequila seoor.
Angela: I think you've had enough.
Darryl: What you say, bitch? You know, you might be right.
Pam: You've been to the lake before?
Roy: Yes, I have. [kisses Pam]
Roy: Should have done it a long time ago.
Pam: Yes, you should have.
Roy: I do what's right whenever I figure it out. I love you, babe.
Pam: Love you.
Katy: You should make a toast.
Jim: No, I really don't want to.
Katy: Jim, come on, don't be shy.
Katy: Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on...
Michael: Yeah! Toast!
Katy: Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast!
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: Come on.
Jim: Thanks, Katy. Um, didn't really prepare anything to say. We're all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she's awesome. And...
Dwight: Okay, okay. My turn, my turn. Is this thing on? Uh, I want to congratulate the happy couple. You know, they say that marriage is an institution. And I say, who wants to be in an institution?
Michael: That's my line! That's my line, That's... I always say that at weddings. So I'll just think of something else to say. I... [band starts playing]
Katy: Cheers.
Michael: Hey, Jim. You got a hat?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Thanks.
Phyllis: [to Angela] So this is...
Stanley: [storms out of Michael's office] Well, we're not going to Florida.
Phyllis: Oh. Someplace with a pool, then?
Stanley: [gives Phyllis a look]


Oscar: ...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good.
Jim: [off camera] Yeah, that's right.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now.
Pam: Michael, what's wrong?
Michael: I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God!
Pam: Ok, wait wait wait wait...
Michael: Ungh, this is not looking good Pam!
Pam: Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?!
Michael: No, I want you to pick me up.
Jim: What?
Pam: Ok...
Jim: What's going on?
Pam: Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt.
Michael: I am hurt. I hurt my foot.
Jim: I'm sorry? Pam.
Pam: [exasperated]
Jim: What is going on?
Michael: I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone]
Michael: OH GOD!
Jim: Hey, whoa, Michael...
Michael: Oh God!
Jim: It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened.
Michael: OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.
Jim: You burned
Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
Michael: Pam, could you come get me?!
Pam: Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone.
Michael: Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan?
Phyllis: Michael, you should stay home and rest.
Michael: There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that?
Kevin: Can you hop?
Michael: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance.
Michael: [panicked] No one wants to pick me up!?
Dwight: [silence, Dwight enters the office] What is going on? What is going on?
Pam: Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him.
Michael: I'm not sick! I'm burned!
Dwight: I'm coming Michael!
Jim: Oh...
Dwight: I'm gonna save you!
Michael: Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight.
Dwight: Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!
Michael: I don't want Dwight!
Pam: Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend?
Michael: I don't have a girlfriend.
Jim: But you said that you went out with her this weekend.
Michael: It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight.
Jim: [sounds of a car crash] What was that...
Pam: What was that?! [everyone runs to Michael's office window]
Jim: Oh!
Pam: Ohhhhhh!
Jim: He hit the pole!
Jim: It's broken right, he can't...
Pam: Oh my gosh.
Jim: Oh Dwight, Dwight, [Dwight pukes on his back windshield] Ohhhhhh!
Jim and Pam: Oh my God!
Pam: Is he ok?
Jim: He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper!
Michael: Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight!
Michael: Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through.
Pam: You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.
Michael: Did you explain why?
Pam: No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot.
Michael: Burned my foot, Pam.
Michael: Please stop popping my cast. Thank you.
Jim: So, where are you shipping your foot?
Michael: Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping...
Dwight: Your foot?
Michael: Thank you. Pam, messages please?
Pam: You didn't have any.
Michael: Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and...
Pam: And do my job?
Michael: No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God!
Dwight: [holding mini-fan] It slipped.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Sorry.
Pam: It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment.
Michael: I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Pam: Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy.
Michael: No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.
Dwight: Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to.
Michael: What? Part of your duties are to what?
Dwight: What?
Michael: You just said 'part of your duties are to' something.
Dwight: No, I didn't.
Michael: Yes, you did. What is wrong with you?
Dwight: What is wrong with
Michael: Where is my cornbread?
Ryan: Here you go.
Michael: Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like?
Ryan: Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat.
Michael: Where are the yams?
Ryan: They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach.
Michael: Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg?
Ryan: Yes.
Michael: And they had no yams?
Ryan: They had no yams.
Michael: How strange. Because they always have yams.
Dwight: Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport?
Pam: You've seen one of these?
Dwight: Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid.
Pam: Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it.
Dwight: Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece.
Pam: Really?
Dwight: Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding!
Pam: Oh! Ha, haha.
Dwight: Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan.
Pam: Pan?
Michael: Pam... PAAAM!?
Pam: Oh, God.
Pam: [phone rings] What.
Michael: Come here please.
Pam: Tell me before I come there.
Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Pam: No.
Michael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock.
Pam: No.
Michael: Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN!
Dwight: These covers are totally indestructible.
Pam: Really?
Dwight: Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Pam throws her mp3 player]
Dwight: Oh no, it's broken.
Pam: What?!
Dwight: No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long.
Pam: That is so cool. Thanks Dwight!
Dwight: Yep.
Jim: So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now.
Pam: Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!
Michael: No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you?
Dwight: Huh. Do you like candy?
Angela: It's alright.
Dwight: Cause you're sweeter than candy.
Angela: What is wrong with you? [Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing]
Angela: Hey!
Toby: Wow, you just dive right into it.
Ryan: You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it.
Michael: [loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me!
Toby: What, what happened?
Michael: I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall.
Toby: What do you need?
Michael: Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam.
Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room.
Michael: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.
Toby: Ryan, is, uh, dead.
Michael: No, he's not.
Toby: Dead.
Michael: I just saw him.
Toby: No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot.
Michael: Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God!
Jim: Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today?
Pam: No, he's actually been really nice and helpful.
Jim: And that isn't weird?
Pam: Wow...
Michael: Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar?
Phyllis: Um, I had scoliosis as a girl.
Michael: No, never heard of it. No, a
Creed: When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.
Michael: Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.
Stanley: I'm not disabled and neither are you.
Michael: Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?!
Stanley: Mailboxes, Etc.
Michael: Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder.
Michael: [sigh] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there!
Dwight: [looking up at Creed] Dad?
Michael: While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society.
Jim: Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall?
Ryan: Twice.
Michael: Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: AIDS.
Kevin: I think that's from Big.
Michael: I don't think so, no.
Kelly: Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia.
Michael: He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. [sigh] A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here?
Stanley: Uh hmmmm... .
Michael: What you mean uh hmmm... ?
Stanley: I mean I'm learning nothing.
Michael: Ok.
Billy Merchant: Michael Scott, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Michael: Yes, right in here, come on in.
Billy Merchant: Great.
Michael: This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest.
Billy Merchant: Sorry I'm late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space.
Billy Merchant: Hey everyone, I'm Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I'm the properties manager of this office park
Michael: You are so brave. You are so brave.
Billy Merchant: Thank you. Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time...
Michael: But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair.
Billy Merchant: No, I just have a lot of properties to manage.
Michael: Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning?
Billy Merchant: I don't know, like 30 seconds?
Michael: Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me.
Michael: How did you get in your wheelchair?
Billy Merchant: This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. [Everyone laughs]
Michael: Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny.
Billy Merchant: Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here.
Michael: Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor.
Billy Merchant: Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old. I don't really notice it anymore.
Michael: Well they notice it. Don't you? You notice it. It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it?
Jim: I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.
Billy Merchant: So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of...
Michael: Ok...
Billy Merchant: First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? [to Dwight, whose arms is raised] Yes. Yeah? yes...
Pam: Dwight, you have your hand up.
Michael: Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick...
Billy Merchant: You know what Michael?
Michael: Yeah...
Billy Merchant: Let me stop you right there.
Michael: Ok.
Billy Merchant: And leave.
Michael: Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.
Billy Merchant: What's wrong with that guy?
Jim: You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot.
Billy Merchant: No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion.
Michael: [popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey!
Ryan: I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale!
Michael: You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: You are very welcome.
Michael: Did you get the yams?
Ryan: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams!
Michael: [sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding.
Ryan: You sure?
Michael: Yeh.
Ryan: Ok.
Michael: You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.
Michael: Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain.
Ryan: I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine.
Michael: Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins.
Dwight: [hits his head on his desk] Uh, ugh, ohhhh...
Jim: Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion.
Michael: Oh, now you feel some compassion for him.
Angela: He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him.
Michael: Why don't you go with him?
Angela: I, barely know him...
Dwight: I want Michael to take me...
Michael: I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity.
Meredith: You can take my van!
Michael: Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive.
Jim: Fine.
Michael: We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please.
Jim: Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator.
Dwight: Choo choo choo choo choo choo...
Jim: What are you doing? What, stop...
Dwight: Vietnam sounds.
Jim: [Dwight falls onto the couch] Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Dwight: Tired... [Jim grabs spray bottle from planter]
Jim: You can't lay down.
Dwight: Want to take a rake... .
Jim: Wake up. [sprays Dwight]
Dwight: Ahh!
Pam: Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight.
Jim: I'm just gonna get...
Dwight: Ok, Pam, thanks.
Pam: Get up, get up.
Dwight: You're the best.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Just keep him awake.
Dwight: It smells like chicken soup.
Pam: I know.
Dwight: I have to go to the hospital.
Pam: I know.
Dwight: Where we going?
Pam: I just want to say goodbye ok?
Dwight: I'll be back, I mean...
Pam: Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different.
Dwight: Why?
Pam: It's just hard to explain.
Dwight: Aw, Pam, you're adorable [taps her nose]
Pam: Oh my goodness!
Dwight: [giggles]
Pam: Come here.
Dwight: Oh, huggy hugs.
Michael: Shotgun!
Jim: You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight?
Michael: The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout 'shotgun' when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.
Michael: Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem?
Jim: Well, I think she has a kid.
Michael: Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around.
Dwight: Where are we going?
Jim: Come on, get inside.
Dwight: Where are we going?
Jim: We're going to Chuck E. Cheese.
Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.
Jim: We're going to the hospital, Michael.
Michael: I know, just sayin'.
Michael: Dwight, what are you drinking?
Dwight: I found it under the seat.
Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, put that down.
Dwight: I'm thirsty.
Jim: Give the bottle to Michael [sprays Dwight]
Dwight: No!
Jim: Give the bottle to Michael!
Dwight: I'm thirsty!
Michael: Give it to me.
Dwight: No.
Michael: Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight] Give me the bottle or you're fired.
Dwight: You can't fire me, I don't work in this van!
Michael: Give it to me Dwight.
Dwight: No. [takes a drink]
Michael: Give me the bottle!!
Jim: [to Michael] Will you stop?
Michael: Gimme the bottle, Dwight!
Jim: Michael stop.
Dwight: [drinks] Mmmmm...
Michael: Just give it!
Jim: Michael stop. [sprays Michael, then Dwight]
Michael: Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle!
Jim: Stop [sprays Michael]
Dwight: My eyes!
Michael: Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle!
Dwight: My eyes!
Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name.
Dwight: Danger.
Michael: [sigh] Something with a 'K'.
Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.
Michael: What do I write under 'reason for visit'?
Jim: Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write?
Michael: Nothing. I wrote 'bringing someone to the hospital'.
Jim: So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital.
Michael: No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim]
Jim: Come on Dwight. [sprays Dwight]
Dwight: Hi Michael!
Michael: Hi Dwight.
Dwight: Ahhh. Mweehaa
Michael: Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?
Doctor: A head injury.
Michael: Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly.
Doctor: [to Dwight] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan.
Dwight: What is that?
Michael: Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look?
Doctor: Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot.
Michael: Ok, what kinda machine is that?
Doctor: Does the skin look red and swollen?
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: That's my joke, damnit Dwight.
Lab Tech: Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment...
Michael: It's ok, they're with me.
Lab Tech: No metal of any kind.
Michael: Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off.
Dwight: I don't want to do this.
Michael: Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out.
Dwight: Oh.
Michael: Fine. Fine.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Jim: Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim.
Pam: Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok?
Jim: Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan.
Pam: I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan.
Jim: Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet.
Pam: Really? Michael went in with him?
Jim: Uh huh.
Pam: Wow.
Jim: But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon.
Pam: Ok, that's uh, good news [Pam sees Angela eavesdropping] Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go.
Jim: Ok.
Pam: Ok. Bye.
Jim: Bye.
Pam: Hey, Oscar?
Oscar: What's up, Pam?
Pam: I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow.
Oscar: Ok...
Pam: I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that.
Lab Tech: Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? [Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner] Stop that. Stop. Stop that.
Oscar: [Jim popping Michael's bubble wrap cast] You should put butter on it.
Michael: Uh, that's what she said. See, haven't lost my sense of humor. No, no need, it was a non-stick grill.
Jim: I've had a Foreman grill for about six years, I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself, probably because I don't use it as a pillow.
Michael: I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house. Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few. Very soothing. [to the interviewer] Want to try?
Jim: You know, that's probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast.
Michael: Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh. Bureaucracy and germs.
Jim: And doctors.
Michael: Yes, so, no thank you.
Dwight: Pssht.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Constructing a home-made cast? Genius. Filled with foresight. Like in the pioneer times, if you lost a leg, they would then use the bone of the leg for a cane. They wasted nothing.
Michael: Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk. Pam, could I have a word with you in my office? [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh. Alright.
Ryan: My assignment is to make a temporary disabled parking permit for Michael Scott.
Angela: Ooo! Who made popcorn? [Michael rubbing butter on his foot]
Toby: [on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time.
Michael: Yeah, I've been sayin that.
Toby: Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we're including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward.
Michael: Did you know I used to be in HR?
Toby: I'm sorry?
Michael: I used to be in HR. I was a Hell raiser.
Toby: Uh, ok.
Michael: Right? [laughs]
Toby: Uh, great. Why don't we move on?
Michael: Alright. Movin' on.
Toby: Great. Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call]
Michael: Ry-an. You're here. Whatcha got, whatcha got? Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused. Where's Little Man Tate?
Ryan: They were out.
Michael: Oh come on.
Ryan: At three different places.
Michael: Oh man. It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy.
Michael: Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food. You know how they say 'stuff a cold'? Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon.
Dwight: Look, I feel fine. As a volunteer sheriff's deputy I have been trained to notice all the signs of a concussion. One of them is slurred speech, ok? Number three, shortness of breath. There are four things you have to remember. One: I am faster than 80% of all snakes. Also.
Doctor: We need to get your friend into the CT machine.
Dwight: Into a machine?! Ok. Uh, that's bad, will you stay with me?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Ok, will you please call my cousin Mose?
Michael: No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin. Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm.
Dwight: Oh God. Oh God.
Michael: Guh-od.
Dwight: Oh God.
Michael: Ok, I'll stand near you.
Dwight: Next to me?
Michael: Next-ish.
Jim: I'm gonna pull the car around.
Michael: Shh shh shh shh.
Jim: Do you speak Spanish?
Michael: No. Do you?
Jim: No, I don't.


Jim: Not much what's up with you?
Pam: Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God.
Michael: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?
Michael: What's up-dog?
Jim: Nothin' much what's up with you?
Michael: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!
Michael: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?
Stanley: I'm on the phone.
Michael: Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?
Ryan: What's that?
Michael: I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?
Ryan: Huh?
Michael: [low] No, damn it!
Kevin: What does that mean?
Michael: What does what mean?
Kevin: The thing you just said?
Michael: Just forget it.
Michael: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Dwight: What's up-dog?
Michael: Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?
Dwight: Good. How are you doing?
Jim: [mouthing] So close.
Michael: [low] Damn it.
Michael: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a...
Dwight: Empty mind.
Michael: No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say.
Dwight: Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar?
Angela: He's out sick.
Dwight: That's unacceptable.
Angela: I agree it's unacceptable. [longing look]
Kevin: Whhh... What are you guys doing?
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Oscar is out sick.
Michael: On a Friday? [Dwight nods]
Dwight: Can I do some of the talking?
Michael: I will do all the talking.
Dwight: Ok, let him know that I'm here.
Oscar: Hello.
Michael: What difference does it make whether your here?
Oscar: Hello?
Michael: Hi, Oscar its Michael.
Dwight: And Dwight.
Michael: Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?
Oscar: Yeah I think I came down with the flu.
Michael: Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.
Oscar: Yeah, I feel terrible about it.
Dwight: Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D.
Michael: What are your symptoms?
Oscar: I have the chills.
Michael: Umm, hmmm.
Oscar: I feel nauseous and my heads killing.
Dwight: Checks out.
Oscar: Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed.
Michael: I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend.
Oscar: I'll just be sleep- [Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish]
Dwight: Ok. First impressions?
Michael: He sounded sick.
Dwight: Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.
Michael: That's exactly what I was thinking.
Dwight: Question? May I investigate?
Michael: Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.
Pam: I bought my veil.
Kelly: Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?
Pam: Ummm...
Kelly: Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair?
Pam: Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and...
Kelly: You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry.
Michael: Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you.
Jim: Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant.
Jim: Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey Jim-bag.
Jim: Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Umm, hmm.
Michael: Who else knows?
Jim: Nobody.
Michael: Wow!
Michael: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.
Michael: My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed... Bangles.
Jim: Alright. Great. Thank you.
Michael: [singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us...
Dwight: Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Dwight: Do you
Ryan: I think.
Dwight: [low] Oh God, here.
Michael: Hey, whatcha gettin'?
Jim: I'm going with grape.
Michael: Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?
Jim: Which one?
Michael: Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?
Jim: I don't know what you mean.
Michael: P-A-M. P-A
Jim: Uh, uh, ok.
Michael: No it's okay, we're talking code.
Stanley: What is?
Michael: Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?
Jim: I'm going to take off actually.
Michael: Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding?
Stanley: Hmm?
Michael: [Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it.
Dwight: Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy.
Dwight: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.
Michael: It's Grrrrrrape! Soda.
Jim: Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more.
Michael: Not so much.
Dwight: Ok, what is going on here?
Michael: Nothing.
Dwight: Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.
Michael: Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Dwight: Ok. So what is the secret Michael?
Jim: Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.
Dwight: Is that true?
Michael: Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.
Dwight: Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: I can tell. I won't let you down.
Michael: Good.
Jim: Thanks.
Michael: Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch?
Jim: I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.
Michael: Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk], no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.
Jim: No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here.
Michael: Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who.
Jim: Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out.
Michael: I know just he place.
Michael: [at Hooters] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?
Michael: Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.
Michael: Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi.
Dana: Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters.
Michael: We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.
Jim: Nope we're not brothers.
Michael: I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.
Jim: Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks.
Dana: And for you?
Michael: Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?
Dana: Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce.
Michael: Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles]
Dana: Is that what you really want?
Michael: No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.
Dana: Great.
Dwight: Who took all the black ones?
Pam: That's a communal bowl.
Dwight: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?
Pam: Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know.
Dwight: Sniffling how?
Pam: Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?
Dwight: Three.
Pam: Ok, it was the second one.
Dwight: Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it?
Pam: Nuh-uh.
Michael: What do you like best about Pam?
Jim: Uh, I really don't want to talk about it.
Michael: Is it her boobs, or...
Jim: Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Uh-huh.
Michael: Never get's any of my jokes.
Jim: What about you?
Michael: Her boobs, definitely.
Jim: Wow, that's not what I meant.
Dana: Here you go.
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Dana: And I understand we have a birthday today.
Michael: Ohhh happy birthday Jim!
Dana: Ready girls? Front side.
Hooter's Girls: You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo!
Jim: Thank you.
Michael: Woo! Yeah!
Jim: Thanks, thanks Dana.
Michael: Thank you very much.
Michael: Hilarious. Hey.
Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: [Holds up Hooters t-shirt] Just you know politics, literature.
Pam: I hate you.
Dwight: Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.
Michael: Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.
Dwight: Including prep time?
Michael: Just do it.
Ryan: If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.
Michael: [Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's] Expenses.
Kevin: Michael is that a wig?
Michael: No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?
Kevin: No.
Angela: This is from Hooters.
Michael: Yeah, it's a business lunch.
Angela: Did Toby approve this?
Michael: No he did not. I don't need his permission.
Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?
Michael: Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?
Michael: I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.
Toby: I'm not processing this.
Michael: Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?
Toby: He seems fine to me.
Michael: You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?
Kelly: Pam?
Phylis: Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy?
Angela: It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy.
Kevin: Jim has got it bad for Pam.
Creed: Oh ho! Which one is Pam?
Kevin: Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?
Michael: You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.
Dwight: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved.
Kelly: Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam?
Jim: Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I [hesitate] don't. Riveting.
Kevin: Nice... she is
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Did you find anything good in your desk?
Jim: Ah, coupon for a free sandwich.
Pam: Score.
Jim: It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago.
Pam: Big day.
Jim: Big day.
Jim: Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael.
Pam: Right.
Jim: And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean.
Pam: No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started.
Jim: Oh you did?
Pam: No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well.
Jim: No, no, you saw through me, great.
Pam: So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?
Jim: Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay.
Pam: Mmm, hmm.
Jim: And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.
Pam: Cool.
Jim: Ok.
Dwight: Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.
Gil: Who's this?
Dwight: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?
Gil: Gil.
Oscar: Are you going to tell Michael?
Dwight: How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.
Dwight: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: I know, I know, I know.
Jim: Umm, what happened?
Michael: I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid.
Jim: Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal.
Michael: Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just.
Jim: Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?
Michael: Yeah I'm good.
Jim: Good.
Ryan: Creed did you organize the menu book?
Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
Ryan: No, that was mandatory.
Creed: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.
Pam: Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay?
Michael: Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim.
Pam: Oh, no, that's, you don't have to.
Michael: No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend.
Pam: No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so.
Michael: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Pam: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Michael: Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out.
Jim: Ready?
Pam: Yep.
Michael: People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.' No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.
Michael: Hello. Pammy want a cracker?
Pam: No thanks. You got a package.
Michael: Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs]
Dwight: And he's lining it up. Seems pretty straightforward from here. If Michael Scott sinks it, he'll win a Buick signed by Tiger Woods.
Michael: Oh!
Dwight: He totally misses,
Michael: No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that's much harder to do.
Dwight: Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This'll be much harder.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I don't want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael's desk]
Michael: All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie.
Dwight: Jack Nicholas.
Michael: It's a celebrity tournament.
Dwight: [golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat]
Michael: Do you see it?
Dwight: Oh, man, it's really back there.
Michael: Do you feel it?
Dwight: Yeah. I can barely...
Michael: [mug falls off Michel's desk and smashes on the floor] God... damn it, Dwight! That's great.
Dwight: Should I clean out my desk?
Michael: [pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won't be necessary.
Dwight: Don't be fooled by the phrase 'dust bunnies.' They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed.
Michael: Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away.
Dwight: If they're the worker bees, you're the Queen bee.
Michael: No, I am the King bee,
Dwight: Queen's higher.
Michael: No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee.
Ryan: People Magazine, crossword puzzle, keep or toss?
Michael: Keep. I will finish that later.
Ryan: It's from '99.
Michael: Yeah, I know when it's from, Ryan.
Ryan: 18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank.' Michael wrote, 'Judd?'
Michael: Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don't believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody's feelings got hurt.
Dwight: Temp, shouldn't you be monitoring the progress of people's cleaning efforts?
Ryan: Everything seems pretty much under control.
Dwight: Yeah. Well, I'd hate to see it blow up in your face.
Ryan: How would...
Dwight: Let's table that. So, temp... You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar.
Ryan: Not really.
Dwight: Getting defensive?
Ryan: No.
Dwight: You seem a little nervous. You shouldn't be.
Michael: Thank you, Dana.
Dana: Sure.
Michael: Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday.
Jim: Wow. Thanks.
Michael: You're welcome.
Jim: No, you what, seriously, you should have it.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it'll be hysterical.
Jim: Oh, tomorrow, that's gonna be tough 'cause I already laid out my outfit, so...
Michael: Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You'd better try it on, make sure it fits.


Ryan: [catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk] What?
Jim: Oh, nothing.
Jim: Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that.
Ryan: [again catching Jim looking at him] What?
Jim: Oh, nothing.
Ryan: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.
Michael: Spamster!
Pam: Um, Pam plus Spam plus...?
Michael: Hamster.
Pam: Right.
Michael: Welcome back! How was your vacation?
Pam: It was great.
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: Mm-hm.
Michael: Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!
Pam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.
Michael: I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck!
Pam: What?
Michael: Wow! What happened in there?
Pam: I don't know.
Michael: There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that?
Pam: [looking at pile on Michel's carpet] Oh... I don't know.
Michael: Is it a bird?
Pam: No, I don't think it's a bird.
Michael: Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet.
Kevin: What's goin' on?
Michael: Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office.
Kevin: [taking a look] I don't think that's vomit.
Michael: Check it out.
Kevin: Me?
Michael: Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee.
Kevin: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Michael: What is it?
Kevin: Michael. [tapping on door]
Michael: What is it? No, just tell me what it is.
Kevin: [pounding on door] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long.
Pam: Open the door up!
Kevin: It smelled
Pam and others: [after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly]
Michael: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.
Toby: That's no burst pipe.
Michael: How do you know that? What is it, then?
Creed: Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup?
Michael: [as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office]
Dwight: [coughing] It's still stinky.
Michael: That is worse.
Dwight: She probably scrubbed it
Michael: [while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... [clearing throat] I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second. No!
Jim: Hey! Welcome back!
Pam: Thanks!
Jim: So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot?
Pam: A little.
Jim: Good! What's goin' on here?
Jim: What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting.
Ryan: [barely stifling laughter] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. [regaining composure] It was not me.
Jim: [smelling the stink] Oh. Wow.
Pam: [giggles at Roy]
Michael: [sitting at Jim's desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Jim: That might be a little difficult with the one computer.
Michael: Oh... It's ...
Jim: But there's definitely a desk open in the back.
Michael: [reluctantly] Yeah ...
Jim: ...which I guess I'll be taking.
Michael: No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing.
Jim: No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back.
Jim: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Are you moving back here?
Jim: Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk.
Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim: Allergy to... the desk?
Kelly: [shaking head] Weird.
Michael: [putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen.
Dwight: [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen.
Michael: Don't ape me.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: This is great.
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: The pressures of my office are insane.
Dwight: [agreeing] Mm.
Michael: I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here.
Dwight: No way!
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: And who had your office?
Michael: Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, 'Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.' What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
Kelly: [to Jim] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit...
Michael: You know who used to sit at that desk?
Dwight: That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?
Michael: Mm-mm. Todd Packer.
Dwight: No!
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: I thought he was out on the road.
Michael: He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes.
Dwight: Ah.
Michael: When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that
Michael: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Stanley: [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer?
Michael: Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay.
Michael: Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.
Creed: [after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for?
Michael: Charley horse!
Creed: What?
Michael: Charley horse!
Creed: You shouldn't have hit me, Michael.
Michael: Oh, okay. Gah.
Michael: Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical.
Kelly: [to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones...
Ryan: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair.
Jim: It's the lever on the side.
Ryan: That's what I told him. Thanks. [leaves]
Kelly: Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?
Jim: No, I don't think I can...
Kelly: Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him
Michael: [whispering] Dwight.
Dwight: [whispering] Michael.
Michael: Let's send up Accounting.
Dwight: What?
Michael: Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead.
Michael: Hey guys.
Oscar: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Ahem. What's up?
Oscar: Hey, Dwight.
Michael and Dwight: [as they throw accountants' files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules!
Dwight: Yeah! [laughing]
Michael: Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing]
Dwight: Should we help 'em pick up their stuff?
Michael: No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Watch out, Pam. You're next!
Pam: You're gonna throw my things on the ground?
Michael: Maybe!
Oscar: What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it... it was still wrong.
Michael: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.
Michael: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.
Dwight: [on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I'm totally gonna win us that box set.
Michael: Stop.
Dwight: Jethro Tull...
Michael: Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don't. Don't.
Dwight: I need to make a sales call. Please?
Michael: All right.
Dwight: [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller?
Pam: [to Roy in Jim's earshot] ...back so soon.
Roy: We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe.
Pam: Yeah, right.
Roy: Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something.
Pam: Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend.
Kelly: [to unseen co-worker] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30.
Pam: [to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding?
Roy: No.
Michael: Hi, guys.
Angela: We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit.
Michael: I'm just walking around.
Angela: Were you?
Michael: Well, yeah.
Oscar: It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael.
Michael: Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?
Phyllis: You're gonna compete against us?
Michael: Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on!
Dwight: It is so on!
Michael: God, this is gonna be fun.
Dwight: Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!
Michael: [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously]
Darryl: [walking by with new carpet] What... What's that? Whatcha doing?
Michael: [stops dance] Nothing.
Roy: [laughing] I think he's dancing.
Michael: No. Just ...
Darryl: That was definitely not dancing.
Michael: You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just...
Darryl: Paper business.
Michael: Yeah, paper business. Is this done?
Roy: Nope.
Michael: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps]
Pam: Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know.
Creed: [to Oscar] Who do you think did it?
Oscar: Are you kidding? I thought it was you.
Creed: Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael's earshot]
Michael: This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.
Michael: You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today.
Pam: That doesn't seem fair.
Michael: You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage.
Dwight: But you're the one who picked today.
Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished.
Pam: What's our punishment?
Michael: You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring]
Jim: Hey!
Ryan: What's up?
Jim: Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward.
Ryan: What?
Jim: What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan: I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... [notices camera] Umm... She's really cool.
Jim: Are you interested in her?
Ryan: Yeah, totally.
Jim: Really?
Ryan: Did she say something?
Jim: She said lots of things.
Ryan: Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out?
Jim: I have no idea.
Ryan: Can you find out?
Jim: Yeah. Sure.
Kelly: [to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?
Michael: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael: [sighs] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?
Michael: [meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back.
Ed: Yeah. Should we go upstairs?
Michael: Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now.
Ed: So, what's the problem with my pension?
Michael: Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.
Ed: Well, what was done?
Michael: I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible.
Ed: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.
Michael: Really?
Ed: Yeah.
Michael: Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you?
Ed: You can't expect to be friends with everybody.
Michael: Well... s-sure I can.
Ed: No. They'll always think of you as a boss first.
Michael: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
Ed: I'm not sure that ever happens.
Michael: Well, okay. Different management styles.
Ed: Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?
Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, 'Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.'
Jim: [on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone!
Jim: Yep.
Michael: [on phone] Yes.
Todd Packer: Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Packer: Your mom, you gay nerd!
Michael: Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'?
Todd: Hey, did you get that package I left for you?
Michael: Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Packer: It was pretty big.
Michael: Really?
Packer: Yeah.
Michael: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Packer: Left it in the middle of your office.
Michael: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?
Roy: You mean the thing?
Packer: [laughs uproariously]
Michael: Are you kidding me? Oh!
Packer: Special delivery!
Michael: That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you.
Packer: Sit on the throne, Michael.
Michael: Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer!
Michael: It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out.
Jim's voicemail: You have seven unheard messages.
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back!
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you.
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow.
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.
Dwight: I think this whole disaster on Michael's carpet happened for a good reason. Him sitting next to me is a huge gift. This girl I know would say that it was a gift from God, but I don't know about all that.
Angela: Obviously, this was Kevin. This is his sense of humor exactly.
Kevin: There are so many people with motives, even me. Almost everyone is a suspect. Whoever did this is a genius. [laughs]
Kelly: That looks, cool, where is that?
Jim: What?
Kelly: That hotel, it looks so romantic.
Jim: Oh, just somewhere in the Poconos. I was just surfing.
Kelly: I went with my parents to the Shadowbrook Farm once. That was also really romantic. Oh, my God, I wish a boy would take me there. I would need a fun new top. You know what a great color is on me? Lavender, actually.
Jim: Just give me one second. I'm just gonna grab something to eat.
Jim: Hey.
Toby: Hey.
Jim: So, you used to share that cubicle with Kelly, right?
Toby: Mmm-hmm.
Jim: And then you just changed desks, right?
Toby: Yeah.
Jim: To one without a cubicle.
Toby: Yeah.
Jim: So, you just couldn't take it anymore, huh?
Toby: What are you talking about?
Jim: So, that's how it's gonna be.
Toby: Yeah.
Toby: Honestly, I don't even hear her anymore. It's like waves crashing against the beach.
Michael: [on the phone] Okay, that quantity of cotton fiber will cost you... my screen disappeared. I know. I will click on the bottom and... Yes. I'm getting one of those little hourglass things. Used to have a price chart on the wall, now it's a little hourglass thing with an arrow next to it. Now it's just an hourglass thing. Uh-huh, yeah, well, or I can call you back. Okay.
Dwight: [on the phone] Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So...
Stanley: ...cases of typical format and coated white paper. Okay, thanks again so much. All right, bye-bye.
Phyllis: 20 cartons of it's coming, on it's way.
Michael: What's going on? Anything here?
Stanley: Yes.
Michael: Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or...
Stanley: A sale.
Michael: Ah. Small?
Stanley: Big.
Michael: Huge?
Stanley: Just big.
Michael: Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or...
Stanley: Big.
Dwight: [on the phone] Good. No, I completely understand, times are a little tight right now. If it's alright with you though, I will just give you a call back next month. Great, thank you so much. Goodbye.
Michael: What was that?
Dwight: What?
Michael: You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you?
Dwight: You're the one who trained me, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog?
Dwight: You most certainly did not.
Michael: No, I did not.
Dwight: What can I do better?
Michael: Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke.
Dwight: I'm not good at jokes.
Michael: Do you know a joke?
Dwight: My cousin Mose told me a joke.
Michael: Call a client right now.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: And tell him the joke.
Dwight: I will.
Michael: Strike while the iron's hot. A joke always works.
Dwight: [on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please.
Michael: Just sell it.
Dwight: [on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I'm calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can't think? A nun who has a beet for a head. ... No, I'm Catholic, too.
Michael: Give me the phone.
Dwight: [on the phone] I understand.
Michael: Give me the phone.
Dwight: [on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I...
Michael: Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line.
Dwight: [on the phone] Humor works in...
Michael: The old one two. Let's do it.
Dwight: [on the phone] ...crazy ways. I'm going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It's Howard Gruber.
Michael: [on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he's a little... Little dim. He's the janitor's brother, so...
Dwight: That's not true.
Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can't even find their way to work? That is Dwight.
Dwight: [whispering] He's my best customer.
Michael: [on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper.
Dwight: But that's my sale. This is my sale, Michael!
Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I'm glad it timed out that way.
Dwight: What Michael doesn't understand is that when I worked in the fast food industry I was actually commended by management for the three 'M's. McService, McCompetence and McPunctuality.
Roy: [laughing] You gotta drink on that one. Too bad.
Darryl: Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo'fo, mo'fo.
Roy: You ready?
Darryl: Mmm-hmm. [thumping] [Roy groaning] Now you've got to drink.
Dwight: Okay, look, I know what you're gonna say. That I'm not standing up for myself. But you know what? It's complicated and I really don't appreciate all the badgering.
Angela: You could out-sell Michael any day.
Michael: I really thought these people were my friends. My best friend since kindergarten, Elliot, that's a friend. Best friend ever. I should call him. Wonder where he lives.