Michael: [on Youtube video] There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. [phone rings, Michael picks it up] Michael Scott, as seen on TV.
Todd Packer: [high-pitched voice] I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... [normal voice] It's Packer!
Michael: OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl!
Michael: Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in the paper today. And it's online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough.
Michael: Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site.
Oscar: What's number one?
Michael: Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times.
Jim: So instead of working, you want...
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it!
Angela: Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? It's on the same site!
Phyllis: Awww, it's kissing its mommy!
Michael: Please.
Dwight: Michael, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever.
Michael: Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand up. [looks toward computer] It's trying to stand up... [choking up] there it goes.
Jo: Howdy. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Michael: Jo! We were not expecting you!
Jo: Course you all, no doubt, know why I'm here.
Kevin: No.
Jo: Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go.
Kevin: Jo, I think that I know what happened.
Jo: I'm not sure you do, teddy bear.
Kevin: Well, now I think I might not.
Jo: Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please.
Michael: Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office.
Jo: Can you now?
Michael: Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.
Phyllis: [quietly, to Andy] Put your hand up, Norma Rae.
Andy: If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.
Andy: So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. [sings] Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today?
Jo: [as Gabe hands out forms to everyone] It's a little form, says 'I did not do it.'
Michael: There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like...
Jo: All that's just birthday information, Michael.
Michael: Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture.
Jo: Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what'cha say?
Michael: Okay.
Jo: When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said, 'Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice!', innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said 'Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah', well nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.
Jo: So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him?
Michael: We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda.
Jo: Uh, that's, uh, Guantanamo Bay.
Michael: Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can.
Jo: Well, I guess we're all right, Michael.
Michael: I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right.
Jo: Yeah.
Michael: Okay.
Nick: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: Hey, IT guy.
Nick: Mind if I get in there for a second?
Dwight: Oh, sure thing, go ahead.
Nick: Just one... [Dwight pushes Nick's neck to the desk and pushes his arm up] Gah! Ah! Dwight, what the hell?
Dwight: Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell! What are you doing to my computer?
Oscar: The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot, Big Brother.
Dwight: You're with Big Brother? Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide.
Kevin: Wait, are they searching all our computers?
Nick: Yeah. [Kevin runs to his desk] I already got to yours, Kevin. [Kevin runs back]
Kevin: No, that's cool. Sometimes... sometimes I run. I'm a runner.
Angela: Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!
Michael: Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers.
Phyllis: Look, he's been complaining about this for a while, it's not crazy.
Jo: Okay Dwight.
Dwight: Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here... [hands Jo a piece of paper] You should fire the following people.
Jo: Well, I'm inclined to believe you.
Dwight: Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?
Jo: Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year. Good boy... you turning that money into more money?
Dwight: Are you referring to alchemy?
Jo: I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money, but if you ain't investing in property, then you're dumber than a dummy.
Dwight: I'm not dumb. I'm smart.
Jo: Well, buy property. That's my advice.
Michael: Is there something that you would like to say to me?
Andy: Uh...
Michael: About talking to the press?
Andy: I, I didn't know. I didn't do that!
Michael: Mmhmm.
Andy: Okay? I, I... didn't do it.
Michael: I don't believe you.
Andy: I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.
Michael: That's a little much. All right, all right, all right.
Andy: I don't care, that's how much I swear!
Michael: Okay, I believe you, I believe you.
Andy: I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me.
Michael: Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?
Darryl: Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar.
Michael: Oh, no, no, no...
Darryl: I think she could... sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she... she's the copy editor at the Trib.
Michael: Oh my god. Was she cute?
Darryl: No.
Michael: Oh, god, Darryl!
Michael: I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is.
Jo: Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was.
Toby: Well, that's...
Jo: And we didn't find anything on your computer.
Toby: Good.
Jo: Except this. [hands stack of paper to Toby]
Toby: Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a mystery novel that I've been working on.
Jo: I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid?
Toby: Oh, uh, I don't know, uh...
Jo: The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.
Toby: Oh... yes.
Toby: Write your own damn novel.
Pam: It was me.
Jim: What was you? You were the leak?
Pam: Okay. I'm talking to this woman at daycare...
Jim: Uh-huh.
Pam: She's telling me about all her amazing trip to Vietnam, I have nothing. I tell her our printers catch on fire, spontaneously!
Jim: Why'd you do that?
Pam: Her husband's a reporter.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: So now everyone hates Andy, and it's this whole mess, and I don't know what to do.
Jim: Okay, just relax. Just need to relax.
Pam: I could tell Jo... or I could tell Michael.
Jim: This is a very good idea. This is good. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out.
Michael: You leaked it?
Pam: I don't know what to do! Do I go tell Jo, or - I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person!
Michael: I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh god... my mind is going a mile an hour.
Pam: That fast?
Michael: Oh.
Michael: Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said.
Pam: [Michael knocks on Pam's desk] Yeah? [Michael points at Pam, himself, and Meredith, mimes drinking, driving, then points to his watch and holds up five fingers] I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me.
Michael: So see you in Meredith's van in five minutes.
Pam: Yeah, you didn't need to actually say it.
Pam: [in Meredith's van] I have never seen so many parking tickets.
Darryl: All right, this is just messed up.
Michael: No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think.
Darryl: All right.
Michael: What do we got?
Pam: Um...
Kelly: [opening door] Hey guys, sorry I'm late.
Pam: We're not going for yogurt.
Michael: It's okay, she's cool, she also whistle-blew.
Kelly: Guys, I couldn't help it, it is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue.
Michael: Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.
Kelly: Of course I'm the leak! I think I Tweeted it! I can't control what I say to people, I spend the whole day talking! I mean, I video chat, I Skype, I text, I Tweet, I phone, I Woof...
Ryan: Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. [types on his phone] I just sent myself a Woof. [fax machine makes noise, several windows pop up on computer behind Ryan with accompanying sounds, including barking]
Erin: [on phone] Ryan, you have a Woof on line 1.
Ryan: Thank you, Erin. Woof!
Michael: Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case.
Pam: Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers?
Michael: No. Okay, not all the computers, just our computers.
Kelly: That idea sucks.
Pam: I don't think that's a good idea.
Michael: Just don't say no.
Darryl: Michael, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat.
Kelly: Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl.
Michael: That's just what we need, another black man in prison. You know, let's just...
Pam: Nobody's going to prison, okay? Um... all right, Michael, you need to convince Jo to go easy on us. And then we'll all confess once we know our jobs are safe.
Michael: Okay. You can count on me.
Dwight: [sees Toby banging on the vending machine] Let me give you a hand.
Toby: I'm hungry.
Dwight: Ready? [they pull the vending machine towards them; Dwight's phone rings] Got it? Oh shoot. Got it? [walks away, opens phone] Dwight Schrute.
Realtor: [on phone] The property you're looking at is in great shape. By the way, it has a very spacious basement office.
Dwight: Basement office? You mean like a lair?
Michael: Hey Jo.
Jo: Michael.
Michael: I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after they're back in the thick of it.
Jo: Michael Scott... what do you know?
Michael: What?
Michael: It doesn't matter what I know.
Jo: If it doesn't matter, then tell me.
Michael: Why?
Jo: Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it.
Michael: Well, deal with this. [crosses arms]
Jo: Empathize with me for a moment. I came up here with a big problem, and now I got a branch manager who's giving me the silent treatment... Speak to me... speak. [Jo's dog barks] Come with me.
Michael: What?
Gabe: [as Michael and Jo leave] Are you leaving? Oh, am I... should I continue with the investigation?
Michael: Are you going to kill me?
Jo: Hahahahahaha.
Realtor: [on phone] I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms.
Dwight: Okay.
Realtor: What time works for you? [Dwight looks across the street] Mr. Schrute, what time works?
Dwight: Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make 'em an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, low ball them. Don't call me 'til you have it.
Realtor: But... [Dwight closes phone]
Michael: [on Jo's jet] Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but... I have an early dinner that I need to get to... with the Chief of Police.
Creed: I'm very relieved to learn it wasn't you.
Gabe: All right. Uh, Stan, you're up.
Stanley: It wasn't me.
Gabe: What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. And... you did it. [nods at Andy]
Andy: What? Based on what?
Gabe: Uh, just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you. Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now, and sit with it, see how it feels?
Dwight: All right. Sounds good.
Jim: Guys, I think that seems a little unfair. I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy.
Andy: Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been... Jim.
Jim: Really?
Jo: Michael.
Michael: I have rights.
Jo: Let's just talk.
Michael: I am not going to tell you anything.
Jo: Honey, you don't seem like your normal self.
Michael: Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Jo: Mama Jo knew there was something up.
Michael: Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down.
Jo: Oh, I hate that.
Michael: And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? ... I miss Holly.
Jo: Who's Holly?
Michael: Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.
Kevin: Well, I think that the real question is: Who is the whistleblower?
Dwight: Oh, just...
David Wallace: I may have heard from an old client, and I may have immediately started spreading the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah. But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about Suck It. Suck it.
Andy: Gabe, I told you all about the printers.
Jim: I mean, it could be you, Gabe. I mean, that's the point.
Pam: Yes, it's totally obvious.
Creed: I think we all can agree that it's either Gabe or Angela. [flips a coin] It's Angela. Get her, boys.
Nick: Hey guys, uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm going to go down to Detroit and teach, uh, inner city kids about computers.
Gabe: Uh, not now.
Nick: Oh yeah, it's just that my friends are in the car waiting, so I thought I would...
Stanley: [quietly] Phyllis, what's this guy's name again?
Phyllis: I don't know, is it Shadow or Garth, it's something weird, I...
Nick: My name is Nick.
Angela: Okay, well, Nick, we're in a meeting.
Nick: Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy, and everybody hates me.
Jim: Hey, listen man, you can't take it personally.
Nick: You called me man? I just said my name just now, did you forget it already?
Jim: No... sport.
Nick: You, you guys have fifteen parties a week, you can't learn my name?
Dwight: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey IT guy. Here's the story, champ. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, okay? We liked the last guy, Siddiq, because he kept to himself, and we also thought he might have been a terrorist. You know what, I'm going to leave you with one other thought. Inner city kids use computers for two things, games and porn. So good luck wasting your life, lurch.
Nick: Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives, and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! All right? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it, check it out. [gives the finger]
Andy: You're going to believe that guy?
Jo: When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me.
Michael: Hmm, hmm.
Jo: I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.
Michael: You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you.
Jo: Oh honey, surely you don't want that.
Michael: I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. [Jo laughs] You were playing too.
Dwight: I'm about to buy this building, you know.
Hank: You don't say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston.
Dwight: Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you... enjoy that chair for now... 'cause pretty soon, you will be on your feet, at Buckingham Palace.
Andy: Hey Phyllis, have you seen my bag?
Phyllis: [points to the ceiling] You deserve it.
Andy: Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down, and children to die. Does that make me a hero? I...
Kevin: [offscreen] No, it does not!
Andy: Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either.
Angela: It does!
Erin: Andy?
Andy: Hey.
Erin: I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press.
Andy: Uh, thanks. Yeah, you know, just seemed like the right thing to do.
Erin: Yeah.
Michael: [to press] We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions?
Jo: Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there.
Michael: That was fun.
Jo: I hope your rough patch ends soon.
Michael: Thanks. Today helped.
Jo: Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life.
Michael: Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua.
Jo: Let me see what I can do.


Stanley: [to Toby, who's filming] You fallin' behind.
Ryan: [jumps in front of camera] Wuphf.com!
Kelly: Ryan, we're doing the dance!
Ryan: This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country.
Creed: [Bluetooth rings] You got Creed.
Ryan: #NAME?
Kelly: You make it so hard to love you sometimes.
Stanley: Still behind.
Angela: [closing door] I said I didn't want to be on the internet!
Andy: Go, go, go, go!
Michael: [performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing]
All: Streamers! [everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing]
Dwight: Hiya! Ha! [climbs on Phyllis' desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal]
Phyllis: Dwight! [Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk]
Stanley: Are you crazy?
Andy: [song ends] Toby, how did we do?
Toby: Well, that was better.
Andy: Whoo! We did it! [everyone starts cheering]
Michael: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did.
Andy: Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.
Erin: Yes, of course.
Andy: And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.
Erin: Who's the guy who invented the peanut?
Gabe: Hey, guys.
Andy: Hey!
Gabe: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.
Andy: Not at all.
Gabe: I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. [he and Erin kiss]
Gabe: I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite.
Erin: Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great.
Andy: Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.
Pam: [goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it] Hey. What are you doing?
Dwight: From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack.
Kevin: Well, what if you're cold?
Dwight: Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I'm too busy.
Jim: Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.
Dwight: [drinking from Camelback] Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.
Kelly: This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, 'Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?' And I'd be like, 'blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah,' giving you the exact right answer.
Luke: Coffee Monkey's arrived.
Oscar: The coffee's supposed to be here at 9.
Luke: Here you go, Big O. Tiny. [hands Kevin his coffee] Darryl Hannah.
Darryl: It says decaf. You get me decaf?
Luke: Ooh, yeah. Must've been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back?
Darryl: My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He's only been here for a week, and I hate him.
Andy: New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.
Luke: My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints.
Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael: He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Ah! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar: He messed yours up to.
Darryl: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael: It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?
Jim: Wow, that's a lot of keys.
Dwight: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Jim: That's right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back.
Dwight: Where?
Jim: I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. [pulls out stethoscope]
Dwight: Give me that.
Jim: Yep. Wait, and this. [hands Dwight a hammer]
Dwight: Yes.
Jim: Go get 'em.
Jim: What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.
Dwight: [Jim quietly takes Dwight's keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles] Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. [removes keys and throws them at Jim] Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim.
Pam: Sorry.
Jim: Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but...
Pam: It was really funny.
Jim: Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.
Pam: I love you.
Phyllis: Luke? Luke!
Luke: What's up, Venus?
Phyllis: Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em.
Luke: Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe.
Meredith: Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.
Luke: You don't have to yell.
Michael: Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
Luke: What for?
Michael: To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great.
Michael: And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.
Michael: Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
Michael: Don't bother Luke.
Pam: Why is there a circle with a line through it?
Michael: That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?
Phyllis: Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke.
Michael: No, it... Yes, okay, right. [erases don't] All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. [writes 'Don't' in front of symbol]
Darryl: Don't don't bother Luke. Got it.
Michael: Come on. Okay, um... [draws a circle around 'Don't' with a line through it] That's as clear as I can make it.
Phyllis: Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it.
Michael: Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.
Dwight: Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?
Gabe: That'd be hilarious. Uh, 'Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop 'em.'
Michael: Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.
Dwight: How close?
Michael: Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?
Dwight: Yes. Of course.
Toby: Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.
Michael: No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes he is. He's my nephew.
All: What?
Michael: Luke is my nephew.
Oscar: Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew.
Michael: Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.
Darryl: What's wrong with a level playing field?
Michael: Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
Jim: Oh, man, so many points being made.
Creed: I couldn't care less about nepotism. But, I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat.
Michael: God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
Erin: That's a really tight argument.
Michael: Thank you.
Jim: But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
Michael: No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?
Oscar: This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.
Michael: Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!
Kelly: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.
Oscar: If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?
Michael: Because I wanted you to come to me and say, 'Wow, he is so great.' And I was gonna say, 'Well, it's in the genes.' And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is.
Erin: Hey! Ice cream afternoon!
Michael: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Kevin: Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?
Pam: Or enough for everyone?
Luke: No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips.
Oscar: Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.
Andy: Clutch cream run, bro.
Pam: Get whatever you want, on me.
Jim: You really think you can make it up to me with food?
Pam: I don't know. That usually works.
Pam: I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right.
Angela: I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew's car.
Michael: Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off!
Phyllis: Well, take a look. It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.
Michael: All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store.
Jim: Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, 'I don't own an Ebay store,' so...
Michael: Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.
Oscar: Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.
Stanley: Let's just make this kid open this damn car.
Erin: Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.
Michael: I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway.
Andy: You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Tripple A.
Michael: Wait a minute.
Meredith: [breaks into the car] I'm in.
Michael: Don't-all right. Well, ok, you've just committed a felony.
Oscar: Yep, here they are.
Phyllis: Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time.
Andy: This kid's costing us sales, Michael.
Erin: I'm sorry, do you want to try them on again to see.
Michael: No, I know they fit. It's not about the fit.
Jo: Why is this my problem, Michael?
Michael: Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
Gabe: Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.
Jo: Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won't fire the boy.
Michael: You don't have all the facts.
Jo: Which are?
Michael: I love him.
Jo: Oh, God. How far has it gone?
Michael: No. No. He's my nephew.
Jo: Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house.
Michael: Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.
Jo: If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities.
Michael: I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Jo: Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.
Michael: Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other.
Kevin: Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.
Pam: Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses 'Doors closed' the doors open. Or he presses 'lobby' it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?
Kevin: Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.
Pam: Dwight is about to get so Pammed.
Dwight: Hey, did you SMS text message me?
Pam: Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on.
Dwight: [as elevator doors won't shut] Okay, that's weird. Just hitting 'door closed.' What?
Pam: There we go.
Dwight: Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! [elevator stops between floors] Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol.
Pam: Let's just calm down.
Dwight: Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately.
Pam: I don't-
Dwight: Use your talons! Pry 'em open! [starts to urinate in elevator corner]
Pam: Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God!
Dwight: Well, don't look, freak!
Pam: Dwight, what are you doing!? We've only been in here for, like, two seconds!
Dwight: I've got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!
Pam: You've gotta be kidding me.
Michael: Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! [Luke points laser at Oscar's forehead] Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar's head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it!
Luke: What? I'm stopping it. That's what you said.
Michael: Give me the pointer.
Luke: So you just want me to move it? You're being totally unclear here. I'm just gonna go ahead and move it. [points it at Angela's chest]
Michael: No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela's boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously.
Luke: All right, fine. Fine. I'll just go.
Michael: Okay.
Luke: I'm gone.
Michael: All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we're starting with account setup-
Andy: Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he's burning my eye.
Angela: Michael, do something.
Meredith: Sack up, man.
Michael: Okay, can I have that?
Luke: No.
Michael: Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Both: Five, four...
Michael: I'm not kidding.
Both: Three, two, one.
Michael: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke: No!
Michael: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke: What the?
Michael: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke: What the hell was that?
Michael: I had to do that.
Luke: Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!
Michael: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin: That was awesome!
Stanley: Texas justice.
Kelly: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim: You follow him on Twitter?
Creed: Everywhere I look it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.
Gabe: Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Michael: Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?
Jim: Pam?
Pam: Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
Jim: I did not do this.
Pam: I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video.
Jim: This is impressive.
Pam: Well, you know... they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
Jim: Do they call you that?
Pam: They do call me that.
Jim: Come on, give me your hand. I'll help you down.
Pam: Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there's pee on the floor.
Jim: Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Great.
Dwight: How ya doin'?
Jim: Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.
Pam: Stop drinking the water! Stop!
Andy: [Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked] No, no, no, no. It's the other hand. Right hand. Yeah.
Michael: Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them.
Andy: [Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy] Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!
Gabe: Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
Michael: That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery.
Gabe: Good. Well, that's the spirit.
Michael: I can do that.
Gabe: And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors.
Michael: Okay. Wait, what?
Toby: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael.
Michael: Is there another option?
Gabe: The alternative is termination. [Michael stares off, considering termination...]


Dwight: Wow. Late every day this week.
Pam: We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic...
Dwight: Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?
Jim: Is there really?
Dwight: Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... Ha ha ha [laughing maniacally] Well I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea.
Dwight: Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.
Jim: Aaah!
Mose: Aaah!
Dwight: You remember my cousin Mose.
Mose: Welcome children.
Pam: Were you painting in the dark?
Jim: Wait. Is this your place Dwight?
Dwight: Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?
Pam: I don't really think we need...
Jim: Oh... lets take the tour Pam.
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight: Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. [pause] I see you found out magical toy box Jim.
Jim: These are actually forks and knives from the break room.
Dwight: Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork.
Pam: And a soy sauce packet.
Dwight: Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.
Jim: Don't beat yourself up.
Dwight: We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success.
Jim: Who will be watching the children?
Dwight: No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.
Jim: Prove it.
Dwight: What?
Jim: Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works.
Dwight: Oh no, no, no.
Jim: But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good.
Dwight: I promise you, that door locks! [Jim closes the door]
Toby: What's something that you...
Michael: This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!
Michael: Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell.
Toby: Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here.
Michael: I know what you want to ask me. 'Did your mom ever see you naked?'
Toby: We can do this with more privacy.
Michael: So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key.
Dwight: Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall!
Phyllis: The mall itself or just the stores in the mall?
Dwight: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks!
Ryan: America is one big mall.
Jim: Did something happen Dwight?
Dwight: Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim.
Andy: Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board.
Dwight: You don't want to know.
Toby: I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons.
Phyllis: I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
Pam: [on phone] Look, I'm not going to tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you? Ok, well let me know if anything changes.
Jim: Pam?
Pam: I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene, or whatever it is. Tell me everything is going to be ok.
Jim: Everything is going to be ok.
Pam: Tell me I'm good at sales.
Jim: You're good... you're good at sales.
Pam: The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair.
Andy: Dwight?
Dwight: What?
Andy: Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the 'F' word?
Dwight: Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients.
Stanley: No you will not.
Dwight: Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt, ok! They're 'appearance'ists!
Jim: Ok, Dwight. We can't do that. So why don't you just tell us what happened?
Pam: Yeah, what happened Dwight?
Jim: Ok.
Dwight: You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things, but there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the Mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall...
Pam: So what happened?
Dwight: I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms.
Kelly: You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to 'Pretty Woman' their asses.
Creed: We should start our own mall!
Erin: Yeah!
Jim: Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly.
Kelly: What did I say?
Kelly: I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.
Jim: Dwight, how about this? Instead of boycotting, you and I, together, go down to that store and we teach those snobs a lesson.
Andy: No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you.
Dwight: Ok
Jim: Alright.
Andy: Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? [removes cuff link] How about now? [removes other cuff link] How about now? [removes tie clip] How about now?
Toby: Uh... what was your favorite flavor of...
Michael: One hour.
Toby: What?
Michael: One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today.
Toby: Ok, I can't count the hour if you don't talk.
Michael: No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time.
Toby: Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, and I can't do that unless I honestly...
Michael: You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me?
Toby: Tell me!
Toby: I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere.
Michael: Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby.
Dwight: Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl...
Andy: Pretty Woman.
Dwight: Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...?
Jim: No, no. I want to hear you tell it.
Dwight: Ok, Um... The sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the 'trappings' of extravagant wealth, but instead of going...
Andy: Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like,' I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me.' And the shop girl goes, 'ok'. And Julia Roberts goes,' You girls work on commission, right?' And the girl is like,'Yeah', and Julia Roberts goes...
Kelly: Big mistake! Huge!'
Andy: I was telling that... I was telling that.
Stanley: How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok, sure.
Window treatment guy: Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments?
Erin: I don't know.
Window treatment guy: Is one of you the office administrator?
Pam: [hesitates] I am. I am the office administrator!
Window treatment guy: Can I show you a few samples?
Pam: Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all.
Pam: There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work.
Michael: Toby, can I really tell you anything?
Toby: Of course.
Michael: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half.
Oscar: Office Administrator. So when did this happen?
Pam: A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that?
Oscar: Yeah, totally. Well, congrats!
Pam: Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right?
Oscar: Totally, that's great.
Pam: I get paid $40,000 per year.
Oscar: Great.
Pam: Maybe $50,000.
Oscar: $50,000?
Pam: No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500.
Oscar: That's great.
Jim: Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around. Now, today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman.
Andy: A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.
Stanley: Is he still doing his boycott?
Jim: No, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah?
Kelly: You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.
Jim: Agreed.
Dwight: Really?
Oscar: Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching.
Dwight: Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?
Ryan: The glasses are a little... [Dwight drops glasses to the floor, stomps on them]
Pam: I liked them.
Kelly: I thought they were kind of cute.
Ryan: Yeah, I liked them too.
Dwight: I can't see.
Darryl: Say stuff like, 'Good morning, Good Afternoon'. People appreciate that.
Dwight: Wait, I see you every day. Can I say 'Good month?'
Darryl: I'm telling you how to do this man.
Andy: If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you.
Angel: Please and thank you go a long way.
Dwight: Copy. Thank you.
Angela: Thank you.
Dwight: Please.
Andy: [in a cockney accent] I think he's got it!
Michael: And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? [howls and growls like a werewolf]
Toby: Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories.
Michael: Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? [pause] Three hours. We're half way done.
Toby: Oh.
Pam: Hey, do you have a second?
Gabe: Yeah.
Pam: Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over.
Gabe: Right, of course!
Pam: And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you.
Gabe: Thank you so much.
Pam: I just think somebody lost the paperwork.
Gabe: Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?
Pam: Yes. Absolutely. Right away.
Toby: You know what Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff, in case my daughter ever comes over. Why don't we just run out the clock by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking?
Andy: [fanfare]
Jim: We present to you for your comments and approval, Dwight K. Shrute.
Phyllis: Go get 'em Dwight.
Jim: Wish us luck!
Dwight: Thank you.
Erin: Dwight [snaps a picture with a disposable camera, then drops the camera in the trash can]
Erin: Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today.
Toby: We can play something more complicated if you like.
Michael: This is plenty complicated.
Toby: So you have played it before?
Michael: I've played it once or twice with Jeff.
Toby: Who's Jeff?
Michael: Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married.
Toby: So, her husband, your stepdad?
Michael: Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.
Toby: Did you guys do much stuff together?
Michael: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.
Toby: It's working. I'm doing it!
Angela: [coughs for attention]
Dwight: What?
Angela: My place tonight. Wear this. [motioning to his new outfit]
Dwight: Do you have your card?
Angela: Yes. Don't forget the pipe.
Toby: Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?
Michael: I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid.
Toby: Why?
Michael: I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.
Toby: Dogs don't do that.
Michael: Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly.
Toby: I don't know.
Michael: When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so...
Toby: It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?
Michael: Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok.
Toby: I'm just trying to help you Michael.
Michael: You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?
Toby: I just want to...
Michael: You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?
Toby: [tossing forms at Michael] Just fill them out any way you want.
Michael: Ok.
Toby: I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate.
Michael: You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these [giving Toby two middle fingers] and call me in the morning.
Pam: Hey Michael, um... about three months ago, I was talking to... [Michael grabs form and signs it without reading.]
Pam: There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone.
Gabe: So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation?
Toby: Yes.
Gabe: That is not how it seems to me.
Toby: He seems fine.
Gabe: You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior.
Toby: Heh.
Darryl: I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office. All corkboard.
Pam: We can do that.
Darryl: Right in here?
Pam: Easily.
Gabe: I'm back! Ha ha. Pam, perfect. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator about a little office administration problem.
Pam: But of course!
Gabe: Great.
Gabe: The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you are the office administrator.
Pam: So weird that there is no paperwork.
Gabe: At all.
Pam: Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America.
Gabe: Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... admit...
Pam: Admit what?
Gabe: I don't want to say it.
Pam: Say it.
Gabe: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.
Gabe: Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.
Pam: Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle.
Gabe: Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis?
Pam: Sure. Anything else?
Gabe: Nope.
Pam: I'll get it right away.
Pam: The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards.
Jim: Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it.
Dwight: It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal.
Jim: Wait a second. You know you can't buy that now, right? And I can come back and get it for you later. But I'm saying right now, we can't do that.
Dwight: Because I'm here for one thing. Revenge.
Jim: That's it.
Salesman: Let me know if I can help you with anything.
Dwight: Excuse me sir.
Salesman: Yes?
Dwight: I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me.
Salesman: I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that.
Dwight: You work on commission, don't you?
Jim: Stop, stop, stop.
Salesman: No, we don't.
Jim: Did you just say you remember him?
Salesman: Of course, but he looks much less threatening now.
Jim: What does that mean?
Salesman: We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back...
Dwight: Good Morning!
Salesman: If he were in accordance with our dress policy.
Dwight: What?
Salesman: But the blood stained hands...
Dwight: It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi...
Salesman: I'm very sorry.
Dwight: Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Ok. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!
Jim: Lets just go.
Dwight: You made a big mistake. Huge!
Jim: There it is. Alright.
Dwight: Aaah!
Jim: That's pretty good.
Andy: After you.
Dwight: [re-entering the store] I'll take the wizard!
Salesman: Oh, ok!
Michael: You forged them! You forged the forms!
Toby: You filled them in and faxed them yourself!
Michael: Yes.
Toby: You remember that.
Michael: Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake.
Toby: Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose.
Michael: You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... [mimicking Gabe] 'I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!' [normal voice] Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!


Erin: Andy? [Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd']
Jim: Yes! [as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song]
Erin: Did you write this?
Andy: No.
Erin: Who did?
Andy: Steven Sondheim.
Erin: Who is he? [rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing]
Angela: What the hell is happening?
Andy: We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.
Michael: [cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song] That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?
Andy: Like a month ago.
Michael: Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?
Andy: Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant.
Erin: I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry.
Andy: What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.
Andy: Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.
Erin: Oh, who else is going?
Andy: Everyone.
Erin: Gabe seemed to think no one was going.
Andy: What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right?
Michael: Andy, what time's the show?
Andy: 8pm sharp.
Michael: How long is it?
Andy: Hour forty-five.
Michael: Nope, can't make it.
Michael: They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.
Andy: Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?
Pam: Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.
Andy: Dwight?
Dwight: Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.
Andy: It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.
Michael: I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?
Andy: If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer.
Michael: Wow.
Andy: This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?
Michael: I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.
Andy: Noishe!
Michael: And scene.
Angela: Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight.
Dwight: Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe.
Dwight: Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.
Dwight: Give me the punch card.
Angela: No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show.
Dwight: That is not in the contract.
Angela: Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?
Dwight: Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape.
Angela: Thank you.
Angela: Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. [faint smile]
Andy: Hey, how are those salads?
Jim: It's my own fault-
Andy: My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could...
Pam: We'll keep looking.
Andy: Yes!
Jim: Really?
Pam: I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.
Andy: Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: For a lot of reasons.
Andy: Yeah, I know. Neiche!
Michael: Oh, hey guys.
Stanley: You brought balloons to a play?
Michael: I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.
Phyllis: It's nice, like Up.
Michael: Yes.
Usher: Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?
Michael: Nope.
Andy: Guys?
All: Hey! Andy!
Andy: You all made it, thank you so much.
Jim: You should actually thank Erin, she's the one who agreed to babysit.
Andy: She's babysitting?
Erin: I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club.
Andy: I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her.
Michael: [trying to stuff balloons below the seats] This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
Darryl: Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.
Michael: No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.
Darryl: No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.
Michael: Are you kidding me?
Darryl: Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later.
Michael: All right, I'm sorry. God.
Usher: Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. [Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael]
Kelly: Ooooh!
Dwight: [whispering to man sitting beside him] I work with that guy.
Angela: [after taking her gum out] Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change.
Dwight: Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.
Angela: Oh, Dwight, just move.
Dwight: [whispering to man sitting beside him] His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.
Kelly: What time is it? [Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad]
Shelby: Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director.
Michael: Hello.
Shelby: I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto...
Michael: Okay.
Shelby: We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott.
Michael: Okay.
Shelby: Yes?
Michael: Yes.
Shelby: Good.
Michael: Good.
Shelby: Enjoy the second act.
Michael: You enjoy the second act.
Shelby: Have a refreshment.
Michael: Thank you. You, too. [steals a bottle of wine from the bar]
Angela: Come on, Dwight.
Dwight: Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?
Angela: These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.
Dwight: Let's go.
Pam: Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine!
Jim: Everything's fine.
Pam: We can relax.
Jim: We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on.
Meredith: [seeing Michael drink from wine bottle] Michael! [bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin]
Andy: Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute 'break a legs' or 'I still love you' type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.
Creed: [on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.
Andy: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!
Sweeney Todd: You found Johanna.
Andy: That monster of a judge has locked her-[cell phone chiming]. Locked her away. [phone continues ringing]
Sweeney Todd: There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. [audience laughs]
Michael: How is that funny?
Sweeney Todd: The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs!
Andy: Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. [Michael laughs]
Sweeney Todd: What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?
Andy: [text message chime] You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...
Sweeney Todd: [yelling] Where is Johanna?
Andy: A madhouse.
Sweeney Todd: A madhouse?
Andy: Yes, a madhouse.
Sweeney Todd: A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? [Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons]
Andy: Do you think... [bottle rolling] so you think... [bottle rolling, clanking]
Sweeney Todd: Fogg's Asylum , why not? [balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying]
Pam: Sounds like Cece.
Jim: Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.
Pam: [sees Erin holding Cece] Oh, my God! Go, go!
Jim: Oh, my God.
Andy: [excited] That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter.
Erin: I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.
Jim: Okay, this was pretty simple-
Pam: Why are you here?
Jim: [overlapping with Pam] Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.
Pam: What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.
Erin: I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything.
Jim: Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or...
Erin: Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?
Pam: You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Erin: Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want.
Jim: No, we're good. Thank you, though.
Erin: Okay. Alright, bye Cece.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again.
Pam: Not together!
Michael: [during curtain call for Sweeney Todd] Boo! Boo!
Angela: That was more horrifying than Nunsense.
Dwight: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
Angela: Where's my car? Come on.
Michael: Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.
Sweeney Todd: Darryl?
Darryl: Hey!
Sweeney Todd: Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet?
Darryl: Silent. Look, congratulations.
Sweeney Todd: Thank you.
Darryl: I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!
Michael: Yeah, good job. Well done.
Sweeney Todd: You're the guy who booed me.
Michael: Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.
Sweeney Todd: No, I saw you, and you were the only one.
Michael: Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.
Creed: Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.
Sweeney Todd: Thank you.
Darryl: You didn't have to boo him.
Michael: Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling.
Darryl: How would you like it if we booed you?
Michael: That would never happen.
Darryl: Boo! Boo!
Michael: Okay. I appreciate the feedback.
Darryl: Boo! Boo!
Michael: I don't like that at all.
Andy: Are you ready?
Erin: Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!
Andy: [pretends to slit her throat] Ah! Blood everywhere.
Erin: Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work.
Andy: Yeah, me, too.
Erin: Okay, I kill you now.
Andy: Okay.
Dwight: All right, let's do this.
Angela: No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted.
Dwight: It's okay, I smell.
Angela: No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times.
Dwight: No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex.
Angela: Well, I won't tell if you don't.
Dwight: I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... [Angela reaches into his pocket] Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. [Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card]
Angela: Good night, Dwight.
Dwight: Good night.
Andy: These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.
Erin: This is awesome. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. [hangs up] Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise.
Andy: Awesome.
Erin: Okay.
Andy: See you later.
Erin: Thank you.
Jim: [attempting to move car seat] It's like The Hurt Locker!
Pam: This night was a disaster.
Jim: No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream.
Pam: Yeah?
Jim: We could put that in orange juice.
Pam: Get it.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Let's get our juice on.
Jim: Yeah!
Phyllis: Found him!
Michael: Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?
Andy: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Michael: Yeah, I get those every day after work.
Phyllis: Your show was really great, Andy.
Stanley: Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off.
Andy: It was like amateur hour.
Oscar: It was an amateur production, technically.
Michael: Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome.
Andy: Stop just saying that.
Michael: I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.
Andy: Thank you. That feels good.
Michael: I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.
Darryl: Andy, sing us another song.
Andy: Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.
Phyllis: Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight.
Michael: Come on, Andy, seriously.
All: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy: Okay, all right, all right, all right.
Andy: [sings Macy Gray's 'I Try' and everyone joins in]
Michael: In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about.
Shelby: Thanks you.
Michael: No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act.


Dwight: [driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work] Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! [man walks away] Que? QUE?
Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
Son: We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back.
Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
Son: We've lost friends.
Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
Son: We don't know what he does with them.
Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
Son: I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Dwight: I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada.
Nate: Hola amigo.
Dwight: Hola, tu es une buena worker?
Nate: Si, yo muy bueno worker.
Dwight: Y el accento, donde are you from?
Nate: Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia.
Dwight: You speak English?
Nate: Yes, I'm really good at English.
Dwight: Ok, good. Me too, get in the car.
Nate: [quietly] Okay.
Dwight: [nods to camera]
Angela: [seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot] Who's this guy by our cars?
Dwight: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
Phyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress.
Dwight: Poor hornet.
Dwight: [looking outside through the window] I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets...
Ryan: But if he doesn't?
Dwight: He'll die.
Kelly: What?
Andy: Uhh, beg your pardon?
Dwight: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?
Nate: [picks up blowtorch]
Kelly: Is that a blow torch?!
Pam: No. No no no! [nos coming from all employees]
Dwight: Interesting choice...
Pam: [Nate starts walking away from hornet's nest, puts down the blowtorch] Yes!
Andy: Very very smart.
Pam: Yeah, go away. [Kelly nodding]
Nate: [picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet's nest]
Employees except Dwight: No! No no!
Dwight: A bat! Impressive...
Andy: Oh it's stinging him! Ow! Ow! [yelling all around the office]
Michel: [walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on] Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?
Erin: [giggles] Terrific!
Michael: There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.
Phyllis: [seeing a large red spot on Michael's lip] God! Wow!
Michael: [shying away] Look, [sighs] It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Phyllis: That's no pimple Michael.
Michael: You mean cancer?
Pam: What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.
Pam: It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.
Meredith: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a cold sore.
Michael: It is?
Meredith: Yup, just a cold sore.
Michael: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.
Kevin: I know how you got it. [smug expression on his face]
Michael: How?
Kevin: Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.
Michael: What?
Pam: Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don't know what that is.
Meredith: I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.
Kevin: I never seen herpes on you.
Meredith: Because it's on my genitals, genius.
Kevin: You have a penis?
Andy: Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?
Michael: Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.
Jim: That was like, ten years ago.
Michael: No! It was like four years ago!
Kevin: Michael, you're at least forty six!
Michael: Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six. [later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore]
Kelly: Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?
Angela: This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.
Andy: You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.
Kelly: I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs.
Oscar: I don't even wanna know these things!
Meredith: [walking in] Hey guys! [Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room]
Michael: How did this happen, how did I get this?
Dwight: Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it.
Michael: You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Woman in every port.
Dwight: What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...
Michael: Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.
Dwight: You may have...
Michael: Oh my God! What if I did?
Dwight: You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes.
Michael: Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.
Dwight: You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do.
Michael: There's no way I'm gonna do that.
Dwight: Then I will.
Michael: [makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up]
Dwight: No, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.
Donna: [on phone] Hello?
Michael: Hi Donna. It's Michael.
Donna: Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been?
Michael: I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.
Donna: Oh no.
Michael: I can't even say it. H-I...
Donna: Oh my God.
Michael: ...R-P-E-E-S
Donna: Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes?
Michael: No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?
Donna: Ummm, no.
Michael: Does your stupid husband have it?
Donna: No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested?
Michael: Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!
Dwight: So long Donna! [Michael hangs up]
Andy: Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?
Stanley: Not again...
Andy: What do you mean again?
Stanley: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy: Maybe like a year ago...
Stanley: Seems recent.
Andy: No, that's...
Oscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy: Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley: [agreement around the office] That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores.
Andy: It's the world's only international sport! [sits down]
Holly: [on phone] This is Holly.
Michael: No this is Holly.
Holly: No this is Holly.
Michael: No this is Holly.
Holly: No, this is Michael Scott.
Michael: Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.
Holly: I am calling because, there's a terrible crash!
Michael: Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Holly: A lot of people.
Michael: Any nuns?
Holly: Three nuns, [Michael laughs] from a Missionary in South Africa.
Michael: [Dwight looks confused to the camera] Were they in the missionary position? [Holly laughs]
Andy: [singing] Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. [stops singing] Yeah, now you're looking at me. Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.
Michael: [still on phone with Holly] Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't been transferred?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: We would have twins. [Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael's 'herpes']
Holly: I don't think we'd have kids.
Michael: Mmhmm!
Holly: It was just for a few weeks!
Michael: Mhhmm! We would be married.
Holly: [sternly] Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know.
Michael: Do what?
Holly: You romanticize things.
Michael: I don't romanticize th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing 'Yes you do'] No...
Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael: He had no arms or legs, he couldn't hear see, or speak... This is how he let a nation.
Holly: You made ourselves to be more than we were.
Michael: We were more than we were.
Holly: I don't know what you're getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory.
Michael: Ok, alright I gotta go.
Holly: Michael... [Michael hangs up]
Dwight: [to the camera] He forgot to mention the herpes.
Michael: It didn't come up organically.
Jan: [to a client] ...to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. [Seeing Michael and Dwight] Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it'll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. [to client again] The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to...
Jan: How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you.
Michael: It's nice to see you doing so well.
Jan: Yeah I'm really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. [laughs] We're loving it, yeah. I'm kind of a supermom.
Michael: Bringing home the bacon.
Jan: Yeah. [singing] Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget... [laughs] I love that commercial.
Dwight: I don't understand the reference.
Jan: Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call.
Dwight: We had to come over right away, it's urgent. Michael has something to tell you. [Michael shushes him]
Jan: Are you gonna keep me in suspense? [Michael sighs]
Michael: [after long wait, to Dwight] Would you excuse us...
Dwight: Ok I'm gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Ok, is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it.
Michael: He hasn't changed.
Jan: No, so what couldn't wait?
Michael: Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?
Jan: Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem.
Michael: What?
Jan: You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Ok, I'm in.
Andy: So, guys. I've been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we're better than that. Ok, now I'm going to show you a picture of genitalia. [grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man]
Erin: Andy...
Andy: What, is it because he's black?
Jim: Nope, it's because it's genitalia.
Andy: Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I'm going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. [Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out]
Jim: Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see?
Andy: It's normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.
Jan: No! In the beginning we were not good.
Michael: Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!
Jan: Well if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong!
Michael: Because we work together.
Jan: No, ok. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!
Michael: Am I the princess?
Jan: No I'm the princess, and the queen.
Michael: [sighs] Ok, so I'm the guy at the station.
Astrid: Mommy!
Jan: Assy! Awwhhh how was school?
Astrid: It was cool.
Jan: [singing] What did you learn?
Astrid: What did I learn?
Jan: You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we're all, sisters and brothers.
Michael: I have herpes.
Michael: I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong...
Andy: Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences?
Kevin: It feels unbelievable!
Andy: [writing on board] Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels...
Kevin: ...unbelievable.
Phyllis: The ability to express love physically. It's a magical thing.
Andy: Express love, magical.
Kevin: It feels amazing!
Andy: Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable?
Kevin: Yes.
Andy: Then I will write it down.
Creed: The feeling of pure risk.
Andy: I actually had that down in the cons column, but...
Creed: It's thrilling.
Andy: Ok, umm. I'll move that. Thrill of risk.
Erin: Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex?
Andy: Yes! Thank you! Such as?
Erin: Unplanned pregnancy.
Andy: Yes, unplanned pregnancy.
Kelly: Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat?
Kevin: Just admit that your baby was a mistake.
Pam: Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.
Jim: Good!
Darryl: I'm sure they don't regret having their child, let's move it to the pros.
Jim and Pam: Thank you!
Andy: Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column.
Dwight: Next stop is Helene. You're gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I'll remind you.
Michael: You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She...
Dwight: Jan knows paper.
Michael: No, I'm not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there.
Dwight: Wait, what Holly said?
Michael: Yes, I don't...
Dwight: Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes.
Michael: I know, I know.
Dwight: Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay.
Michael: Got it.
Dwight: TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW!
Michael: I'M TRYING! GOD!
Michael: [walks into park with Dwight] Hi stranger! Long time!
Old Woman: Who are you?
Michael: I'm Michael. We dated for a while.
Old Woman: I don't think so...
Helene: Michael?
Michael: Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene?
Dwight: Come on old lady. Let's go.
Old Woman: What is happening? [Dwight shushes her]
Dwight: Come on.
Andy: Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is?
Darryl: Condoms.
Andy: Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, ok? Abstinence.
Darryl: Ohh. Ok. I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski! [office laughs]
Andy: I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That's all. Anybody?
Pam: Andy that's way too personal of a question.
Andy: Well someone could answer if they want to. [looks at Erin hopefully] Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil. [Stanley laughs]
Andy: What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil Andy?
Andy: Well I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith: Come on, give it a rest pencil dick.
Andy: I'm doing this for you Meredith!
Meredith: I didn't want you it!
Andy: Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?! [throws pizza box at painting and leaves]
Helene: It'll go away in time just don't touch it.
Michael: Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Helene: What did you think we were?
Michael: Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you...
Helene: I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.
Michael: Jerk. [walks off]
Dwight: Michael! [attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.]
Carroll: So this is the chef's kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers.
Michael: Real entertainers, like Billy Joel.
Carroll: Michael.
Michael: Carroll, how are you?
Carroll: I'm great! How are you?
Michael: I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her.
Carroll: You didn't call my office and ask where I was?
Michael: No.
Carroll: Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover.
Michael: Weird...
Carroll: Yeah.
Michael: He sounds like a nice guy.
Andy: I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith.
Gabe: This wasn't really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up.
Andy: How is that relevant to anything?
Gabe: I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, 'My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.' I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way.
Andy: The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.
Gabe: I'll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you.
Michael: Oh wow another living room!
Carroll: It's a family room.
Michael: You put the TV here, you put the family over here.
Carroll: Michael why are you here?
Michael: Someone told me that I romanticize relationships
Carroll: You know, we all do that.
Michael: I have herpes.
Carroll: What? Did you have that while we were together?
Michael: I just found out today. It's, uh, right there.
Carroll: Oh! Oh, that's what you're talking about?
Michael: Mmhmm, I'm sorry.
Carroll: Did the doctor check it out?
Michael: I'm between specialists right now.
Carroll: Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date.
Michael: Well I believe in love at first sight.
Carrol: Well so do I, but we didn't love each other at first either. I don't know what you were thinking!
Michael: I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous.
Dwight: [walking downstairs] Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they?
Carroll: No.
Darryl: [Andy walks in Darryl's office] We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know who's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Ok.
Darryl: Yeah.
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is, that's just my standard advice. It's good advice right?
Holly: [on answering machine] This is Holly Flax, I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. [BEEP]
Michael: Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know? It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.
Oscar: What is this about?
Michael: Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall?
Oscar: Yes!
Michael: You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
Oscar: What?
Michael: Herpes duplex.
Dwight: It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive.
Michael: I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.
Oscar: We were never lovers!
Dwight: I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...
Michael: Flower shops, fireworks celebrations...
Dwight: Fence with a hole in it..
Michael: Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park...
Dwight: The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk's home.
Michael: An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving]
Dwight: The democratic primaries,
Michael: Oscar! Think abou- Think! [door slams]