Dwight: [as elevator door closes] Hold it!
Creed: [notices something new about Dwight] New glasses.
Erin: Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Dwight: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Pam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Dwight: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
Dwight: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.
Jim: My condolences.
Dwight: Keep them.
Jim: OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails?
Dwight: In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.
Erin: [after Dwight tosses dirt on her face] What color is it?
Phyllis: It looks pretty black.
Kevin: [after Dwight tosses dirt in his face] Yep. Acidic, all right.
Oscar: [while Dwight prepares to toss dirt] Oh, thank god.
Dwight: Excuse me?
Oscar: I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session...
Dwight: OK. That's not... [tosses red dirt in Oscar's face]
Oscar: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.
Jim: [as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face] I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place.
Dwight: I really hope so. [unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam's face]
Jim: OK. [as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand] This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball.
Dwight: I miss her so much.
Jim: OK.
Dwight: You know? [Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim]
Mose: [playing guitar and singing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning'] Zeke's here.
Dwight: Zeke.
Zeke: Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says 'hi'.
Mose: Hi' to Mom.
Dwight: Are you going?
Mose: Will there be ghosts there?
Dwight: [simultaneously with Zeke] Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.
Zeke: You get in the sidecar.
Dwight: Get...
Dwight: [at the grave site, to Oscar] What are you doing here?
Oscar: You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.
Dwight: [smirking] Oh, yeah.
Oscar: [as a car approaches the grave site] Who is that?
Dwight: Jeb, my brother.
Oscar: You have a brother?
Dwight: Uh-huh.
Jeb: I didn't really see a better parking spot. [drives into the dug grave] Whoa! Look what I did. It's a rental. [Dwight approaches and hugs him] You wanna go in? [both attempt to put the other in the dug grave]
Erin: [upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office] Oh, gosh.
Todd Packer: Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours.
Clark: [to Pam] Who's this guy?
Pam: ' bad.
Todd Packer: Hi, all.
Phyllis: Why are you here, Todd?
Todd Packer: OK. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
Kevin: Packer, we accept. [others disagree]
Todd Packer: Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. [to Pam] Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years.
Pam: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
Todd Packer: Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place 'Nipples'.
Pam: I think it's called 'Nibbles'.
Todd Packer: Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? [hands cupcake to Erin] There you go.
Pam: Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don't eat the cupcake.
German Minister: We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
Jeb: [gathers and tastes soil] Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here.
Dwight: Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.
Jeb: Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all.
Dwight: Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.
Jeb: It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow.
Dwight: Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.
Jeb: Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.
German Minister: Would the family care to say something?
Dwight: You had black hair and then gray hair.
Zeke: You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4', at the end you were 5'1'.
Oscar: They're a descriptive people.
Fannie: [approaches and hugs Dwight] I see you started without me.
Dwight: You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?
Fannie: Well, I told you...
Jeb: Hi, Fannie.
Fannie: Hey.
Oscar: Who is that?
Zeke: Dwight's sister.
Oscar: Dwight has a sister?
Zeke: Yeah.
Oscar: She's beautiful.
Zeke: Blugh.
Dwight: [to his nephew Cameron] Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. [after a weak handshake] What is this? Oh, god. [after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up] Henry.
Henry: Dwight.
Dwight: I see Esther's back in town.
Esther: Hi Dwight.
Dwight: Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
Esther: This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.
Dwight: Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.
Fannie: We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.
Dwight: OK.
Henry: Anyone mention her height?
Zeke: Yep.
Henry: Land size? [all shake heads] [removes hat] Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. [replaces hat] OK. [drives away]
Dwight: So, let's get it going.
German Minister: [approaches Fannie, offering a shotgun] Would you want to do the honors?
Fannie: Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don't think we have to do this.
Dwight: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.
Oscar: [after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it] That's it for me. [exits]
Pam: I don't think we should eat Packers' cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction.
Phyllis: I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense. But, they're also really fluffy.
Pam: We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?
Creed: $3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.
Creed: I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.
Clark: Hey, man. I don't think we've met. I'm Clark.
Todd Packer: Oh. I'm Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier.
Clark: You didn't actually say that.
Todd Packer: No? Wow. I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. [Clark fake laughs] Hey. I have a crazy feeling [hands Clark a cupcake] that you are really gonna like this.
Stanley: Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. [to Nellie] And you did fire him.
Nellie: I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.
Pam: Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
Angela: Do they even have a bakery anymore?
Kevin: They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day.
Pam: So, it really is just about the cupcakes.
Andy: Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes.
Phyllis: So, we're all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes?
Meredith: [as all agree] OK.
Phyllis: OK. Packer can go to hell.
Aunt Shirley: [on a recorded video] Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.
Dwight: [agreeing with Shirley] Thank you.
Aunt Shirley: Jeb. A street pusher.
Jeb: After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out 'worm' means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.
Dwight: I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.
Aunt Shirley: We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it.
Fannie: Is she crazy? [as Dwight considers] Dwight?
Jeb: Buddy? Buddy?
Fannie: No, no, no.
Jeb: Snap out of it. Dwight?
Dwight: Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom.
Fannie: No, no, no. I'm not moving back here. Are you crazy?
Dwight: Of course you are.
Fannie: Look. I, I don't want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain... sort of sophistication.
Dwight: Oh my god.
Fannie: That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don't know. The men are just... it's almost like there's a... a willing ignorance.
Fannie: Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just... [reaches in to bag, removes folded paper] maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women's Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute.
Jeb: Totally. Yep. The people here are like [makes farting sound, laughs] Like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart?
Dwight: You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer.
Jeb: Couple of nights couldn't hurt.
Fannie: Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt.
Dwight: You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes.
Zeke: [as Dwight says 'yes'] Absolutely.
Zeke: Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian.
Fannie: That doesn't work on me.
Dwight: OK.
Fannie: By the way, that's not...
Dwight: [counts down in French]
Fannie: Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui.
Dwight: Oui.
Fannie: Oh my goodness.
Dwight: [while everyone is gathered playing and singing 'Sons & Daughters'] People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.
Fannie: [after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther] So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. [Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied]
Todd Packer: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you.
Meredith: I'm not sorry about it.
Todd Packer: I am. It was my rock bottom.
Angela: [while Kevin stares at his cupcake] Kevin, you can do this.
Kevin: You don't know that.
Pam: Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?
Angela: Uh-huh.
Kevin: James Bond was a spy.
Pam: Yes. He was a good spy.
Kevin: Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake.
Todd Packer: Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. [exits]
Todd Packer: I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a [expletive] of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.
Pam: Guys, I'm proud of us. I think we did the right thing. [after noticing Angela easting cupcake] Hey!
Angela: What, Pam?
Pam: [as others eat] Wait!
Angela: He's gone. It's just a cupcake now.
Pam: No, no. It's the principle of the thing.
Andy: [exits office, chewing] Oh my god. I forgive him so much. [Kevin begins making choking sounds] Whoa, is he choking?
Angela: Kevin?
Kevin: [after long choking and refusing help from Meredith] Oh, that was fantastic.
Cameron: [after following Dwight to the chicken coop, before sunrise] Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them?
Dwight: Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens.
Cameron: I was just asking you something I didn't know.
Dwight: Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.
Cameron: [after grabbing an egg] Are we gonna eat these today?
Dwight: If you want.
Cameron: Is that a guillotine?
Dwight: This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking.
Cameron: [referencing goat] That's a cow?
Dwight: Did you just ask me if this was a cow?
Cameron: [after seeing Dwight smelling milk] What are you doing now?
Dwight: Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?
Cameron: I don't know.
Dwight: Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?
Cameron: I don't know any of that.
Dwight: OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything?
Cameron: I never met him.
Pam: Good morning, Erin.
Erin: [looking disheveled] Hey.
Pam: Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's OK.
Phyllis: I don't care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise.
Pam: Phyllis!
Clark: Packer laced the cupcakes.
Pam: No!
Meredith: Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?
Angela: Some of us got both. [raises hand]
Pam: Oh my god! Is everyone OK?
Phyllis: Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.
Nellie: Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.
Stanley: Me too. [holds up four fingers]
Clark: I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.
Phyllis: What did you do, Andy?
Andy: Last night? Oh, god, um, I don't know. [cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin] Na, nothing really. Kevin?
Kevin: Why would you ask me?
Andy: I'm not, a... I'm just. I don't know. [cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing] Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. [cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face] Pretty normal night.
Kevin: [he and Andy embrace each other in tears] My night was just like that. [cuts to him and Andy trading clothes] Meaning normal.
Andy: Yeah. I didn't see you last night at all. [cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin]
Kevin: Nope. I did not see you either.
Pam: Wow. He is officially the worst human being.
Kevin: [as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away] Ah. [stops Pam and takes cupcake]
Pam: But, Kevin that's...
Kevin: Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand.
Angela: [shaking head in disbelief] No.
Todd Packer: So, that's it. I just wanted to make amends. [slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim]
Darryl: That's big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage.
Jim: Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too.
Todd Packer: It's OK. I'm over it.
Jeb: Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it.
Fannie: Not it.
Dwight: It. [to Fannie] That kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that.
Fannie: All right.


Kevin: Uh oh. She's doing it again.
Pam: Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um...
Clark: It's porn.
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight: [Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment.
Phyllis: Why?
Darryl: Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public.
Pam: Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.
Meredith: Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish.
Group: Ugh. Ew.
Andy: What?
Dwight: Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak.
Angela: Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?
Toby: He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it.
Group: No!
Oscar: Toby, how do you propose that we-
Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?
Pam: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Andy: Well there you go. That's muy caliente.
Dwight: OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. [walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis]
Phyllis: What the hell?!
Dwight: It's OK guys, she's no longer horny.
Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie [takes Phyllis' iPod]
Phyllis: Wait, what?
Andy: You can have this back at the end of the day. [cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him] Oh!!
Dwight: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles.
Clark: What's her name?
Dwight: Esther Ruger. [Angela makes a face in the background]
Clark: Sweet.
Dwight: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Clark: Oh yeah. Keep talkin'.
Dwight: Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.
Clark: Oh.
Dwight: [laughs] What do you think?
Clark: The same thing that you think.
Dwight: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Clark: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.
Angela: Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes.
Angela: Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! [laughs]
Pam: [on phone] Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week.
Jim: Oh man. [laughs]
Pam: I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'.
Jim: Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen.
Pam: [laughs] Um.
Jim: What was I gonna- What was I gonna say?
Pam: You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen?
Jim: Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman.
Pam: Oh, oh OK.
Jim: Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
Pam: [sighs] Um, Ok. Well?
Jim: Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later?
Pam: Yeah, sounds good. Ok.
Jim: Ok great.
Pam: Ok.
Jim: Bye.
Pam: Bye.
Kevin: [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song?
Oscar: There's a promo for the new documentary on the web.
Phyllis: Play it again.
Promo Voice: [Music begins, Michael Scott is shown] The boss. [Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past] The workers. [Ryan and Michael are shown] The lives. [Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown] The loves. [More flashback clips] The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA.
Kevin: Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.
Kevin: This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.
Kevin: [Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight] Did you see this? [lifts monitor in her direction]
Angela: Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer.
Clark: [Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof] Oh my god, is that you and Jim?
Pam: Uh huh.
Clark: Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful.
Pam: It wasn't so bad.
Andy: Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. 'Banjo at 0:19 is aight' Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?
Jim: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert.
Ryan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.
Darryl: Hey, man. Darryl.
Ryan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh.
Jim: Let's go to the conference room.
Dwight: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots.
Angela: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.
Dwight: Did I tell you about her teeth?
Erin: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.
Angela: Yes.
Dwight: Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome.
Mr. Ruger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.
Dwight: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always.
Esther: Thank you. [Dwight kisses her forehead]
Angela: I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that...thing.
Pam: Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much.
Stanley: [eating soft pretzel] We've all changed.
Jim: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number.
Darryl: And we all know, baseball does not last forever.
Ryan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: 'C'mon, I can do that.'
Jim: Right? [laughs]
Ryan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?
Darryl: Subway sandwiches.
Jim: Yep.
Ryan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext.
Jim: Wow.
Ryan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called 'The Big Piece'
Jim: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical.
Ryan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-
Jim: OK
Ryan Howard: #NAME?
Darryl: The space dust does it.
Jim: Space dust.
Darryl: Yeah.
Ryan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together.
Jim: Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. [Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts] Alright.
Darryl: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it.
Jim: Ok, great.
Kevin: Andy, are there documentary groupies?
Andy: Of course there are!
Kevin: Of course.
Toby: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel [groups groans] was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen-
Nellie: Oh, I don't care.
Oscar: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.
Pam: Oh my god!
Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish]
Kevin: What was that word they said when they showed me 'Skrald mand'? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? [Oscar looks it up]
Oscar: Dumpster Man.
Kevin: Cool. Superhero.
Angela: What about me? 'Klokken tre pige'
Oscar: 'Three PM Girl'
Angela: What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then!
Oscar: It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves.
Phyllis: Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it?
Angela: Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified]
Angela: There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am.
Oscar: Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage.
Meredith: I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [lifts shirt to flash camera] Boob sauce!
Group: No!
Oscar: Meredith!
Angela: Come on!
Nellie: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping?
Oscar: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV!
Erin: Hey.
Angela: Oscar.
Oscar: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out.
Oscar: I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you?
Andy: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: 'You guys are killing it!' I mean, we're internet sensations guys!
Angela: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk.
Stanley: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. [groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something]
Oscar: Ok everyone, turn off your mikes.
Angela: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?
Erin: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?
Nellie: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more [Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces] I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone.
Pete: Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got.
Pam: Brian?
Pete: Yeah.
Pam: Yeah, I guess I could.
Stanley: Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me.
Phyllis: I thought Terry knew about Cynthia?
Stanley: She does. But neither of them know about Lydia.
Group: Oh!
Meredith: Wow.
Clark: Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do?
Ruger Sister 1: That manipulates the secondary shaft.
Clark: Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! [laughs]
Salesmen: The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets.
Mr. Ruger: Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns.
Dwight: Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal.
Mr. Ruger: Esther, get in the truck.
Dwight: Ok ok ok, wait! You win. [shakes hands]
Salesman: Let's get the paperwork started.
Ruger Sister 2: We should buy an auger together.
Clark: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Ruger Sister 1: You would be a great one to buy an auger with.
Stanley: [on phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring.
Andy: Oh! Seven new comments. 'The guy at 0:19 is hawt!' [typing] 'Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!'[reading] 'He's not hawt, he's gay.' [typing] 'Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.' [reading] 'He is hawt!' See, thank you, that's more like it. 'He is butt.' God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!
Dwight: Security deposit. That's been-
Mr. Ruger: Standard.
Dwight: Right, standard.
Clark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second?
Dwight: No.
Clark: One second.
Dwight: No.
Clark: One second.
Dwight: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
Clark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen]
Dwight: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off.
Clark: Dude, we're being conned.
Dwight: Go on.
Clark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Dwight: No.
Clark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.
Dwight: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
Clark: I don't even know what an auger is!
Dwight: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is.
Mr. Ruger: Hey, you ready to sign?
Dwight: I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. [grabs Clark]
Brian: Oh, hey!
Pam: Hey!
Brian: Hi. [laughs]
Pam: Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time?
Brian: No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this-
Pam: Oh my gosh, please, don't.
Brian: Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. [laughs] Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there.
Pam: Sure, yeah. Yeah.
Brian: Let me grab a couple drinks.
Pam: OK. [Goes out onto terrace] Oh wow, you have a nice view.
Brian: Alright, that's for you. [hands her beer]
Pam: Oh, thank you.
Brian: Cheers.
Pam: Cheers.
Angela: [Plays boom box to drown out sound] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator?
Oscar: They caught us kissing on Halloween.
Angela: Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [Slaps Oscar]
Oscar: Oh!
Angela: God!
Oscar: Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy!
Angela: Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career.
Oscar: Well, I don't like giving him bad news.
Angela: Call him!
Oscar: You call him!
Angela: Call him! [hits Oscar]
Oscar: Stop hitting me!
Angela: Call him! Call him!
Oscar: No!
Brian: So...
Pam: So..
Brian: What brings you by?
Pam: Well, the promo for the documentary aired today.
Brian: Oh yeah, that's right.
Pam: Yeah. It's kinda crazy.
Brian: Yeah, it is.
Pam: See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof?
Brian: Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment.
Pam: Yeah, wasn't that neat?
Brian: Yeah, it was cool.
Pam: Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed?
Brian: Um...
Pam: I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue-
Brian: No no, it's-
Pam: I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and...I don't know, am I crazy?
Brian: No, you're not crazy.
Pam: Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera-
Brian: Yeah.
Pam: You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much.
Brian: They want to know how much what?
Pam: How much stuff you got.
Brian: Pretty much everything.
Pam: Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs?
Brian: They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you.
Pam: So we basically had no privacy for ten years.
Brian: That's not really true, I mean-
Pam: Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go.
Brian: Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better.
Pam: No I think you explained it.
Brian: Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam.
Jim: 'Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.'
Ryan Howard: That'll pay for the exploding helicopter.
Jim: Smart.
Ryan Howard: 'Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs.'
Jim: 'Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.'
Ryan Howard: Come on man, sell it!
Darryl: Yeah, Jim.
Jim: [louder] 'Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!'
Ryan Howard: Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: 'Oh yeah!'
Jim: 'Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.'
Ryan Howard: 'They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.'
Jim: Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends.
Darryl: It's so strong.
Ryan Howard: Keep reading then.
Jim: 'Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.'
Ryan Howard: Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader.
Jim: I don't know how we'd go about doing that.
Darryl: We can look into it.
Jim: We'll look into it.
Ryan Howard: We need Darth.
Jim: We gotta get him.
Darryl: We'll go after Darth then.
Jim: We're gonna go get him.
Darryl: That's what we gotta do.
Jim: We're gonna get him.
Dwight: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me.
Clark: A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours.
Dwight: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy.
Clark: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way.
Dwight: By hand.
Esther: Dwight, we need to talk.
Dwight: I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther.
Esther: Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends.
Dwight: No.
Esther: So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back.
Dwight: That snake!
Esther: You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine.
Dwight: That shady grove out by Willard's pond.
Esther: Mmhm.
Dwight: So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed?
Esther: Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you?
Dwight: [laughs] No!
Clark: Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for?
Dwight: Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther]
Esther: Stupid.
Senator: [On speakerphone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep]
Angela & Oscar: Hi honey!
Oscar: Oh you?
Angela: No you go. Hi honey!
Oscar: Hey, Hey Robert!
Angela: It's Angela and Oscar.
Oscar: Hey.
Angela: Just a few quick things.
Oscar: Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos.
Angela: Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential.
Oscar: Very much so.
Angela: Yeah.
Oscar: Absolutely.
Angela: Yeah!
Oscar: Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay.
Angela: Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it.
Oscar: I think that's it!
Angela: I think we're good.
Oscar: Done!
Angela: Bye!
Oscar: Ok!
Angela: Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God.
Andy: [on video] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo, screen types out 'you suck my nutz' from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie]
Nellie: Good night Andy.
Andy: Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying]
Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish]
Pam: I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. [at computer opens translator. Types in 'Elskere' which comes back as 'lovers' Pam smiles]


Stanley: [humming] What the hell? No. This is NOT happening.
Erin: Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon! [claps and opens the door to the stairwell] Come on Stanley! [claps]
Erin: Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It's a' 'Mageddon!'
Erin: Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it!
Stanley: [growls] I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb Stair Mountain!
Erin: Come on! [claps]
Oscar: Our office has an unusually large number of' unusually large people.
Stanley: This is an abomination.
Erin: Come on. You got this. Here.
Oscar: So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.
Andy: Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.
Oscar: What?
Andy: I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There's a review of the documentary!
Phyllis: [gasps] What does it say?
Andy: I don't know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, 'Red Alert.'
Dwight: Well, the alert was already set to 'Red' because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to 'Double Red'?
Andy: I think we should.
Stanley: [drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans]
Oscar: 'The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!'
Everyone: Whoo! [applause]
Nellie: 'In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There's Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get.'
Dwight: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news'thing.
Nellie: 'Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy.'
Phyllis: Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-.
Andy: It's okay. [chuckles] The hell does he know?
Nellie: 'A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.'
Andy: I want you to print that out for me.
Nellie: I will.
Andy: Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb.
Erin: 'Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.'
Nellie: Oh! Which public figure?
Erin: I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.
Phyllis: No, I think they mean more like a politician.
Stanley: [walks into the office grunting and wheezing] You own the building. Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?
Dwight: Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby. It's time to go out on a sale! Here we go.
Stanley: Son, you've lost your mind. I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.
Dwight: The buyer is your sister's friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that's an order.
Stanley: You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams.
Pete: Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up.
Pam: Well, we won't be late. I love you, mom. Thanks.
Nellie: Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? [chuckles] Oh, um, Embassy Suites. 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor.
Pam: [laughs] I wish.
Nellie: [chuckles] What, then?
Pam: Oh, nothing that exciting.
Nellie: Marriage counseling?
Pam: Hmm.
Nellie: Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?
Pam: You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help.
Nellie: Mmm.
Pam: I mean, we've having issues. It can't hurt to talk about them, right?
Jim: Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question.
Toby: Oh, sure.
Jim: It's a little, uh, personal.
Toby: Let's do it. Let's get personal.
Jim: I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.
Toby: Whoa.
Jim: Sorry. I'no, no, no, what I meant'what I meant actually was'
Toby: Oh, yeah, no, it's okay. I can handle it. Um, so'
Jim: You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it.
Toby: [chuckles, snorts]
Jim: Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple's counseling.
Toby: Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren't in couple's counseling, are you? Oh, God.
Jim: No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we're just starting couple's counseling. Uh, which doesn't sound any better.
Toby: Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s'hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here.
Clark: My mistake.
Toby: Yes, it is your mistake. He's lingering. So annoying. I'm gonna kill him. How can I help? I'm here.
Jim: That's all right.
Andy: Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I'll hold. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. [hangs up phone]
Angela: Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. [Stan��closes limo door]��Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.
Robert: Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.
Angela: All right, if I have to be the good wife, I'll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I'm a better wife than that. [sighs]
Dwight: Andy'[knocks] I need to talk to you.
Andy: Yeah, come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. It's insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up!
Dwight: Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.
Andy: [grunts intensely] I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That's final.
Dwight: So what I'm hearing you say is, 'Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible'?
Andy: Yes! I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just I'm about to land a top talent agent.
Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good luck.
Andy: [on the phone] Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.
Dwight: For five years I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go. It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way. Now it's all about my instincts.
Clark: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight: Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale.
Stanley: Pass.
Clark: Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?
Dwight: Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.
Stanley: Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha'
Dwight: [fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley]
Clark: Holy [bleep].
Stanley: No, you didn't. Sick of you and your'ooh'
Dwight: [fires tranquilizer gun twice]
Stanley: [falls to the floor with a loud thud]
Dwight: It's all right. Andy approved it.
Meredith: Man, he's really in twinkle town now.
Clark: Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?
Dwight: Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.
Clark: You gave him three shots.
Dwight: Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. [claps] Grab his feet. [grunts] Let's go!
Clark: All right.
Dwight: Move it! One, two, three. [grunts]
Dwight: He's like a manatee. Ready? Let's go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! [Stanley's head hits the door frame] Oh, God.�� No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.
Clark: We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something.
Dwight: Yes.
Dwight: [grunts] Okay, we're good. We're good. Let's go. Push!
Clark: I am!
Clark: Any good weekend plans?
Dwight: I might see a movie.
Clark: Nice.
Dwight: What about you?
Clark: Uh, I don't know yet.
Dwight: [grunts] Let's take him'
Clark: I was thinking about'
Dwight: Let's go right to the top of the stairs, okay?
Clark: And then what?
Dwight: Okay, listen. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I've never actually done this before.
Clark: Well, if I may, you're a natural.
Dwight: Thank you. I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uh'
Clark: That's a little weird.
Dwight: I know. Evel Knievel.
Dwight: [wraps tape around Stanley's body]
Clark: [connect helmet straps around Stanley's head] That's about as good as that's gonna be.
Dwight: Okay, now here's the plan. I'm gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him.
Clark: Catch?
Dwight: Yeah.
Clark: I can't catch him. He's like, 250 pounds.
Dwight: You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? He's gonna be moving slowly. It's only'
Clark: Blunt?
Dwight: It's 15 feet down, it's at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, it's like your catching a medicine'
Clark: Dude, this size of my haunches' [Stanley's body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall]
Dwight: Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall.
Clark: We should probably call a doctor or something, dude.
Dwight: [slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley] You okay?
Jim: So how does it work? It's like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, or'
Toby: You're really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Toby: He might start by asking each of you, 'Why do you think you're here?'
Pam: He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he��shouldn't��be rewarded for that.
Jim: If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, she'd be married to Roy. [chuckles]
Pam: I feel like he's always making these decisions for the family, and then I'm left playing catch-up.
Jim: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I'this will be so huge for our family.
Toby: Well, what's a little while?
Jim: What do you mean?
Toby: I mean, what's the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn't know when it's gonna end.
Jim: That's kind of an impossible question.
Erin: Oh, guys, it's starting! Hurry!
Kevin: Ooh, there's Angela! I work with her!
Andy: Huh, yeah. [chuckles] I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it.
Phyllis: Her hair looks beautiful.
Andy: Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star! [kicks trash can]
Erin: Andy!
Robert: [on the computer screen] I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest' I am gay.
Crowd: [surprised chatter]
Reporter #1: Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?
Reporter #2: Question for the Senator's beard.
Robert: [on the computer screen] I'll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual.
Pete: Poor Angela.
Phyllis: Yeah. Poor Angela.
Robert: I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn't until my marriage to Angela that I realized how'charmless I find the female body.
Meredith: Oof. Always hurts to hear that one.
Robert: There's someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez.
Andy: Come on!
Robert: Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time'
Erin: Oscar is with the Senator too?
Kevin: Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn't know, you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. But I knew! [claps]
Oscar: He knew!
Kevin: Yes, we did it!
Oscar: You did it, Kevin.
Kevin: Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it.
Robert: -with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazing' Chief of Staff Wesley Silver.
Oscar: What?!
Creed: Wesley Silver's gay?
Crowd: [surprised chatter]
Angela: [gasps]
Kevin: Ohh.
Creed: They make a nice couple.
Angela: [gags]
Dwight: Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. We're running late. Let's get him inside.
Clark: We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this.
Dwight: Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
Clark: That's actually really smart.
Dwight: Thank you.
Clark: God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.
Dwight: Let's get him inside.
Andy: Carla Fern is not just an actor's agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate.
Andy: Actor?
Man: Oh, no. [chuckles] Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse.
Andy: Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that?
Man: Eh, you go through a lot of mice.
Man: If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second.
Andy: Does anything go on top of the mouse?
Man: Yeah. Little hat.
Andy: Aw, that's cute.
Man: Yeah.
Andy: What's the mouse's name?
Man: Eh, you know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice. They're kinda like cannon fodder, you know? You're not one of those PETA guys , are you? [cat jumps off dog] Oh, great.
Clark: Hey, wait, wait, how'how are we doing this?
Dwight: Well, I'll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters.
Clark: Just say 'arms' and 'legs,' okay? That just'that's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with.
Dwight: Fine, let's go. [grunts]
Clark: [sighs]
Dwight: Hoist his shank on three.
Clark: Wha'What's a shank?
Dwight: It's by the tenderloin.
Dwight: Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he's slouching. Okay, can you'sl-slouch him into the seat. [sighs] Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. [grunts]
Clark: All right.
Dwight: Got it?
Clark: Yeah'yup yup.
Dwight: [grunts and closes car door] Get in the back.
Clark: What?
Dwight: Get in the back.
Clark: Aw, come on.
Dwight: Get in.
Clark: Damn it.
Dwight: Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we're about to do?
Stanley: Helllloooo!
Clark: Okay. We, hey'hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay?
Stanley: Pigeons.
Dwight: Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we've got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.
Clark: Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister?
Dwight: New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let's go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let's go.
Pam: I'm sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don't want him to do it anymore, and I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly.
Jim: Well, if Pam says she won't go, then'[chuckles] we're gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph.
Nellie: That was exhausting.
Toby: Blah blah blah blah. Jim.
Nellie: Well, they deserve each other, then.
Toby: They do. That they do.
Nellie: That is for sure.
Toby: [whispers] That they do.
Dwight: And for'oh, whoopsie daisy. [chuckles]
Mrs. Davis: Stanley, what is going on here?
Dwight: He's fine. He gets carsick really easily.
Clark: Driving.
Dwight: It's a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we're talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley?
Stanley: Ooh-hoo, look at that baby'
Dwight: Stanley.
Stanley: Ohhh'
Mrs. Davis: That's Benji in the middle.
Stanley: That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. That's a healthy-looking baby.
Mrs. Davis: Very special little boy.
Dwight: Look at him. I've never seen such a beautiful child.
Mrs. Davis: Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he'll go, 'eee.'
Dwight: Like this? Watch.
Stanley: Eee.
Everyone: [laughs]
Mrs. Davis: Like that.
Stanley: A beautiful family.
Dwight: [laughs] Right? Come on!
Dwight: Yeah, maybe I'll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.
Carla: So, what can you do?
Andy: [Australian accent] Well, what can't I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn't noticed, I've got a pretty good British accent.
Carla: Can you drive a car?
Andy: At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.
Carla: Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45?
Andy: My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on.
Carla: Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?
Andy: : Yes. And yes. [chuckles]
Carla: Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid's party, let 'em throw pies at ya?
Andy: Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. [sniffs] I'm all for it.
Carla: Well, Mr. Bernard, I'm gonna be honest with you.
Andy: Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much.
Carla: Uh, no. We're'we're gonna take you on as a client.
Andy: You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me.
Carla: We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out.
Andy: Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots.
Todd: Uh, it doesn't include headshots.
Andy: It doesn't include headshots.
Todd: No.
Andy: Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though.
Stanley: So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it?
Dwight: You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. I'll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. [chuckles] Silly me. Gotta take the stairs.
Stanley: Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.
Dwight: Well'no, no'n'
Stanley: [stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground]
Dwight: [stomps on the ground] We need a winch and a hoist.


Erin: Oh. Hey, champions.
Toby: Good morning.
Clark: Quater finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight.
Erin: I did. I got some really good sleep.
Clark: Did you? [pushes pencil cup at Erin]
Erin: [grabs pencils out of cup quickly as cup falls] Bzzz.
Dwight: Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. [whispers] Practically made of plastic.
Nellie: We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill [cut to Kevin flying paper airplane], others relied on showmanship [cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head] others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. [cut to Creed throwing a melon] And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster.
Toby: Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through, beep beep. [Pam's plane hit Toby in the eye]
Toby: Ow! Ow!
Pam: I didn't see you! You should have yelled 'Crossing!'
Toby: [crying] I'm sorry!
Pam: Ok, so is that my spot?
Nellie: We are now down to an elite eight. Well, seven and Toby.
Andy: [Reading from script] Be careful of that beaker, it contains dangerous acid!
Darryl: It does not say dangerous. And there's no exclamation point.
Andy: Well I'm just trying to bring some life to it.
Andy: Last week I got an agent and uh, this week I got a movie. HRPDC chemical handling protocols. It's gonna be seen by tons of workers in the industrial chemical community. One of whom could have a cousin whose brother's Brad Pitt. And boom, next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs Two.
Toby: Andy?
Andy: Go away, we're running lines.
Toby: You wanted to see the gooey eye.
Andy: Oh yeah. Alright, get over here. I am so freaked out by things going into eyes. I just- wow. [moves to lift Toby's eye patch] Uggggh! I can't even, I'm so freaked out by that, just go. Go go go go go.
Toby: Alright, it's getting gooier so we'll just do it later.
Andy: Yeah, Ok. [Closes door] Alright. Where were we?
Darryl: Something full of acid.
Andy: And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.
Darryl: [claps] That was great man. Alright, I'm out of here.
Andy: W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Don't go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Let's do it six more times.
Jim: Hey. I just wanted to say that you woke up early with the kids and let me sleep and I really appreciate that.
Pam: Thank you. I appreciate that you appreciate that.
Pam: So, we had couple's therapy.
Jim: No shame in that. Get it all out in the open.
Pam: And we have homework.
Jim: Yes, we are supposed to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate each other's sacrifices. Because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while I'm in Philly.
Pam: And we're also supposed to speak our truths.
Jim: Mmhm.
Pam: Because if I had spoken my truth sooner about not wanting to move to Philly, then maybe we wouldn't have had this opportunity for couple's therapy.
Jim: Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do 'opportunities.'
Andy: Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow. Carla Fern got me a gig.
Pam: Hey!
Andy: Yeah.
Stanley: Who's Carla Fern?
Andy: Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sargent. And one of my best friends. Oh, and Oscar, I already figured it out. If I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just going to think about you getting dumped by the Senator.
Oscar: Why wouldn't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you.
Andy: Little raw. Not cool Oscar.
Oscar: But you just!
Andy: Not cool.
Nellie: Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper, who will be joining us to judge the final rounds.
Robert: Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh?
Dwight: I'm pumped!
Erin: Clark's a dead man.
Robert: Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this. [holds up large check for $2,000]
Angela: Oh my god!
Group: Whoa.
Angela: Nellie you didn't tell us we could win money.
Nellie: Oh yes I did, I told you all. It was..um, cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget.
Stanley: Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars.
Nellie: I forgot. I completely forgot. But at least now that large piece of cardboard that man was carrying around makes sense.
Erin: Nellie, this is a competition. Please take it seriously.
Nellie: Oh please. [Dwight watches Angela folding paper airplane]
Angela: Me? Oh, I'm fine. I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment is just fine [camera shows small cluttered space with excessive cats and Phillip crying] for me.. and Phillip... and Tinky... and Crinklepuss, and Bandit 2, and Pawlick Baggins, and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens.
Phillip: [cries]
Angela: Come here, come here. Let's go.
Angela: I had a chance with Dwight, but I didn't take it. And if I went back now, when I'm broke and he just inherited a farm, I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps you read about that try to bag a farmer.
Dwight: I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind, the next move is hers. I'm with Esther now. She's younger than Angela, sturdier, more comfortable with the scent of a manured field. Let's be honest. When it came to manured fields, Angela was at best indifferent.
Clark: Oh, wide wings, interesting.
Erin: Hey. Why don't you back off?[looks at Pete]...I mean best of luck to you in the competition.
Erin: Growing up in an orphanage, you have to fight other kids. For everything. Snacks, pillows, parents. I'm kinda worried about Pete seeing that side of me. I once ripped greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head. Just for a handful of Crispix.
Carla Fern: Are you in that paper documentary too?
Darryl: Yep.
Carla Fern: Do you need an agent?
Andy: No. He's- I mean, you've never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage.
Darryl: I was in The Whiz in high school.
Andy: That's the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says 'action.'
Carla Fern: Hey, I made them get you a chair. All my clients sit.
Woman: Can I take your picture?
Andy: I guess it's starting. Um, yeah. Of course. Yeah sure. Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you and then I can take it-
Woman: We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off.
Andy: Got it. [lowers head to show hair, but keeps looking up just as she tries to take the picture]
Woman: No, if you could just keep it down until..
Andy: Sorry.
Nellie: OK, next up we have two creatures great and small. Kevin versus Angela.
Kevin: Yes!
Dwight: Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself?
Kevin: Uh huh.
Dwight: Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself. Cause it's in the rules that you have to fold your own plane.
Kevin: Of course.
Nellie: Kevin, did you make that yourself?
Kevin: Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist.
Nellie: Oh man.
Dwight: I call for a refold!
Kevin: No.
Angela: Really? [to Dwight] Thank you.
Kevin: This is flatter.
Dwight: It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane.
Nellie: Ok, that's enough. This is the end of the ring now. You have to pick one.
Kevin: I can't. I love them all too much. And, none of them fly. So that makes it harder.
Nellie: You have to choose one now.
Kevin: Fine. [throws plane, doesn't fly]
Nellie: Angela advances.
Erin: Nice.
Dwight: [clapping] Whoo!
Angela: Was Dwight rooting for me? Hmm. I hadn't noticed.
Kevin: I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.
Jim: An Earl Grey tea for the lady.
Pam: Oh, thank you. I acknowledge and appreciate that you went out of your way to get me tea.
Jim: Thank you. I like being appreciated. But, to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way because I felt like a tea anyway. So, one trip.
Pam: Well, to speak my truth, I switched to coffee in March. There's a new espresso machine. But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture.
Director: We are rolling and...action!
Andy: [Happily] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death.
Producer: Ok, um, stop. Um, why are you smiling so much?
Andy: Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.
Director: Ok, well maybe no smiling on this one.
Andy: So how do you want, how should I do it?
Director: I don't know, just like you're reporting the news or something. Ok?
Andy: [ridiculous news voice] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols.
Director: Ok.
Andy: It's Tom Brokaw, it's a newscaster.
Director: Who was that?
Andy: Tom Brokaw!
Dwight: Come on Clark!
Angela: Come on Clark. [Clark throws plane, Erin throws plane it goes much farther]
Dwight: Whoa!
Erin: Yeah! Oh! Eat it piggy! Eat it! Oink oink oink oink!
Clark: We've still gotta work together, so we should keep it civil.
Erin: [Snorts and grunts] I can't hear what you said. [snorting, grunting] You got your slop? [Squeals]
Clark: You know what, this is completely unnecessary. You already won...
Pete: Erin! Erin! Just stop.
Erin: What?
Pete: Relax.
Nellie: Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis.
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration: You can do it baby!
Angela: No you can't baby! [to Dwight, whispers] Good luck.
Dwight: Watch and learn.
Erin: Wow.
Group: Oh!
Nellie: Dwight defeats Phyllis, Dwight you are through to the semi-finals.
Dwight: Yes!
Angela: Whoo!
Dwight: Oh, Esther.
Esther: Hey.
Dwight: What are you- [Esther kisses him] You're here early.
Esther: Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast cause I knew I was seeing you tonight. There might just be a little feather in your nuggets or a little bit of meat inside of your pillow.
Dwight: I like a little feather in my nuggets. [both laugh]
Nellie: Alright ladies and gentlemen, we are down to the final four. Dwight, Erin, Angela and god only knows how, but Toby. One of you will walk away with two thousand dollars.
Erin: Yeah!
Director: Ok here you have just knocked over the beaker, the chemicals splashed in your eye.
Andy: Which is insanely painful.
Director: Yeah.
Andy: And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to, to really express that pain.
Director: That's great. So what you're gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station and then just kinda flush out your eyes. You know, get the chemicals out. Alright?
Andy: So I just lean over this thing and then you'll add the water special effect later?
Director: What water special effect?
Producer: Yeah, yeah just hold your lids open with one hand and let the stream bathe your eyeballs.
Andy: I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts. I'll get nude if you want me to, I'll go full Lena Dunham but I-
Director: Dude, we don't need you to go nude, OK? So just do the eyewash, Ok? That's all we're asking.
Andy: Darryl, what do I do?
Darryl: Hold up, I'm looking at my spit with a microscope.
Andy: They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene.
Darryl: So?
Andy: I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eye dropper.
Production Assistant: So Andy, so you know how to use this. You step on the pedal, water squirts in your eyes.
Andy: Carla! Carla!
Nellie: It is time for a little T & A. I give you: Toby and Angela.
Angela: [throws plane far] Oh my god! Oh my god. Ok it's your turn. [Toby crumples plane and steps aside.
Nellie: Well, Angela is the winner.
Angela: Yes!
Esther: [to Dwight] Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman?
Dwight: Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything.
Esther: Oh. Is she a gambler?
Dwight: In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way, like the song.
Esther: Hmm. That is sad.
Carla Fern: [grabs Andy by the cheeks] Andy! If you don't stick your eyes in that machine, I'm going to call every production in North Eastern Pennsylvania. You won't even make an appearance on a security camera! [Andy starts to cry]
Producer: What's the hold up here?
Director: The actor's crying.
Producer: Oh god.
Andy: She yelled at me. I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't.
Darryl: Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye and act like it doesn't freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One.
Andy: Do you believe in me?
Darryl: I believe I want to go home.
Dwight: [throws plane far] Yeah! Ok! Beat that! [Erin throws plane, loses, Dwight laughs] Whoo! Ok.
Erin: Dammit! Dammit, god. [To Pete] Sorry. Yeah I'm fine. I'm fine. I got mad. Cause I don't like losing. I'm just gonna- Sorry I'm mad! I'm mad, I'm really mad. I wanted to win. We were gonna win a lot of money, I was gonna buy you a sweater. It's stupid. Just the whole contest is stupid. That's how it feels.
Pete: Yeah. [Erin kicks box] Whoa!
Erin: Sorry I'm mad! I don't like losing! I thought I was going to win!
Pete: Ok [tries to help her] Hey hey hey, whoa.
Erin: Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to go upstairs and just...
Pam: Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner to thank her for all that extra babysitting.
Jim: Well, you know how much I appreciate the opportunity to hang out with your mom more. So let me just put this in my calendar.
Pam: I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar.
Jim: Thank you. Your mom is a treasure.
Pam: Well, I appreciate that some opportunities can be unpleasant- [Jim's phone rings, he answers]
Jim: Hey that's work, hold on. Hey Wade, did Cole Hamels call back or what? Great. Good.
Pam: Uh, to speak my truth, I'd appreciate if you hung that up cause we were in the middle of a conversation. [Jim hangs up phone] I appreciate the sacrifice.
Jim: Ok to speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic. I think that's a little unfair.
Pam: Really? I've been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for a months. And you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth?
Jim: I guess I will swallow my truth.
Clark: Are you guys high? Because if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds.
Pam: We're not high.
Pam: I wish we'd started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so... blocked up.
Kevin: The Mark 47 is ready for launch. [throws plane but it sticks to his hand] Less paste.
Director: Here we go. Rolling and... action!
Andy: [doing eyewash] AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!!
Director: And cut. We can fix the sound in post.
Producer: Yeah.
Andy: I can do a better one.
Producer: That's fine, we'll move on.
Andy: I said I can do a better one. Darryl...
Darryl: Action!
Andy: [eyewashes again] AHH! AHH! AHH!
Carla Fern: Kid can act!
Andy: Yeah! Yeah.
Nellie: Each contestant will throw two aeroplanes.
Dwight: After you.
Angela: Thank you. [plane loops up and falls at her feet] Oh god!
Nellie: Angela's first throw, terrible. Dwight.
Dwight: [fake throws and drops plane] Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand, what a whiff. Ah, how'd that happen? God. [Angela smiles]
Esther: We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. It's such a pity. Use the money wisely. [Angela looks disgusted]
Dwight: Alright.
Angela: Don't you dare tank this. [Dwight throws plane far, Angela fake throws and drops her plane]
Nellie: And we have a winner. And it's Dwight. And it is everyone because this is over.
Creed: Two grand huh? I know a guy who can turn that into eight hundred dollars. And it's me.
Angela: [To Esther] Well, I guess you needed the money more than me huh? Use it wisely.
Angela: I was disappointed in Dwight today. He showed a weakness that was unbecoming. Even if he did do it for me. I don't need pity and I don't need charity. I have my dignity and that's enough. And as long as I have that, I'll be ok.
Jim: I know this was really weird, and it was really hard. But I think we're making progress. So I'm really sorry that I have to go but let's keep at this. Ok?
Pam: Ok. [intense moment where Jim leaves and Pam seems conflicted. She notices his umbrella and runs out to follow him]
Pam: Jim! [hands him umbrella]
Jim: Thanks.
Pam: Alright, have a good trip.
Jim: Bye.
Pam: Bye. [walks away]
Jim: Hey! [Runs after her and looks into her eyes] I... [hugs her tightly, Pam doesn't hug back]
Pastor: [Flashback to Jim & Pam's wedding] Love suffers long and is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. [Pam hugs Jim back finally] And now these three remain: Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. [Pam kisses Jim]
Pam: I love you.
Jim: I love you.


Jim: I'm taking some time off from work'well, my other work'because we needed it.
Pam: It's great.
Jim: It's great.
Pam: The phone has been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kind of going nuts.
Jim: But that doesn't matter. This does. It's the only thing that matters. We've had some really nice days together.
Pam: Nice morning, too.
Jim: Beesly! Oh, my god.
Andy: Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agent's putting me up for a furniture commercial.
Jim: Ah, definitely blue.
Andy: Totally, right? So, Big Tuna, what's up? Back in the small pond?
Jim: For now, yeah. I was spreading myself way too thin'
Andy: Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on.
Jim: Uh, well, it took me a while, but I finally realized that I can't give 100% to two things at once you know.
Andy: Tell me about it, you know? I've been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don't know if I'm wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup.
Jim: Huh. Well, you know, you can't have everything so you gotta ask yourself what makes you the happiest. You just go all in for what's most important. That's my new thing.
Oscar: [noticing Angela looking very unkempt] Is everything ok?
Angela: No. Everything is not okay. The county took my cats.
Kevin: Wait, all of them?
Angela: Two sacks' worth. Apparently my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio. And while I was out picking Phillip up from daycare, they came. They came into my house.
Oscar: That's'that's awful, Angela. I'm so sorry.
Angela: It's the [bleep] that lives downstairs. She's this uptight, judgmental shrew. You know the type.
Kevin: I've never met anyone like that.
Angela: And they're gone. And I have no one left. Without my cats, I am utterly and completely alone.
Oscar: Angela, you still have your son.
Angela: I guess.
Dwight: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention? There are four new deadly weapons in this office. [kicking and punching] Basher, Thrasher, Crasher and'
Jim: Smasher!
Dwight: Smasher? No, where'd you get that? Fireball. This morning after hours of combat with some of the city's best teenagers I earned my black belt in Goju Ryu martial arts.
Dwight: I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei, sensei Billy, thought I had more than enough training to take the test. Turns out, sensei Ira was a bit of a shyster. Sensei Billy says most students don't spend $150,000 over 20 years to get their black belt.
Dwight: I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony, right here in the office at lunch, lunch not provided.
Jim: Fireball!
Dwight: Ah! [throws punch] That's how it's done.
Jim: That's pretty good. I feel safe.
David Wallace: Hey, Erin. Is Andy in?
Erin: Oh, is Andy in? Sorry, I thought you said 'is Indian' and was like, 'Is Indian what?' Is Indian food good? Is Indian jewelry pretty? Is Indian hair an expensive kind of wig? Yes, to all three, by the way.
Erin: Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble keeping track of Andy's calendar. His student film audition schedule is crazy hectic.
Erin: Yes, there's Andy! Andy is in. I'm a good receptionist, I know he's in.
Andy: David Walrus, in his native habitat.
David Wallace: Hey, Andy. Can we go in your office and talk?
Andy: Yeah.
David Wallace: This isn't going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away from three months to the Caribbean. Then last week he used company money to buy a top-of-the-line photo printer. In his words, 'The kind that's good for head shots.' And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants. Claimed it's gonna boost office morale. Now, he's a good guy. But honestly, at some point, the ice gets too thin and you fall through. And that is when you get fired.
David Wallace: Andy'
Andy: I'm gonna stop you right there. David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream.
David Wallace: Uh-huh, but'
Andy: Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I'll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense.
David Wallace: So you think you've been too focused on your job?
Andy: At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany.
David Wallace: So you'you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting?
Andy: Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don't'it just' I owe it to myself and my future fans.
David Wallace: Uh, well, I guess I can't stand in the way of a man's dream. And it seems like you have the gift.
Andy: Thank you, David.
David Wallace: There's probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point, can I?
Andy: Nope. I have made up my mind. I'm really sorry.
David Wallace: Well, good luck.
Andy: Thank you. Not gonna need it.
David Wallace: Okay.
David Wallace: Well that kind of worked out.
Creed: I think just anybody could be a star. My postman, the night janitor here, but Andy? No, definitely not. Charisma black hole.
Jim: Oh, Clark. I'm actually here today. Surprise! So I was wondering if I could maybe have my desk back.
Clark: Right. Yeah. But, you know, I've actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So, I kind of feel like I've earned this. I mean, you know?
Jim: You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that I'm here.
Clark: Right. Well, I'm here to sell paper.
Pam: Wow.
Clark: All right, Jim, look, I just got made junior salesman. Right? And'and Wallace is here today. And I don't him to just think of me as a customer service rep that sits in the annex. I mean, you can get that, right? Right? And what do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here?
Pam: it's okay. You can sit in the annex.
Jim: What?
Pam: I'll come visit you.
Jim: Okay. The annex it is. I'll be sitting at your desk if that's okay with you.
Clark: That's fine with me. But be careful, it is very easy to get lost in Pete's beautiful, dead eyes.
Andy: Everyone, a little breaking news for ya. Just had a little chat with David Wallace. And, um, I'm taking a leave of absence from Dunder Mifflin, forever.
Oscar: I can't say we didn't see it coming. But it's a sad day when anybody is fired. We're so sorry, Andy.
David Wallace: Uh, uh, uh, uh, Andy was not fired.
Andy: I wasn't fired. What are you talking about? I'm fired up, yes. Guys, I'm'I'm leaving to pursue my lifelong dream of being famous.
Pam: Oh, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, so, I'll see you on the red carpet. See, that's how it works.
Phyllis: Andy sings beautifully. And he's really good at dancing. He's a good speaker. But there's just something there you don't want to look at.
Jim: Hey, how am I doing as your desk mate, by the way? You probably miss Clark.
Pete: Yeah, a little bit.
Jim: Oh, wow. But, um'Oh, I get that.
Pete: Oh, no, no, no. No it's cool.
Jim: I get it.
Pete: It's cool, man. I'm sure you and I will have our own thing.
Jim: Yeah. Definitely. Go Phillies, right. You don't watch baseball. I keep forgetting that.
Darryl: I just think you're going into this a little fast.
Andy: I'm 38, Darryl, how much slower should I go?
Darryl: Show business is cold. Let's say you get a job, which you probably won't. They're not gonna cut you any slack. You're meant for a job with lots and lots of slack.
Andy: All right. I get it.
Andy: The male is a funny species. We don't just tell each other how we feel, that's chick stuff. So instead of saying, 'Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don't want you to leave.' You say something like, 'Hey, Andy, you're making the worst mistake of your life. You're not talented.' Well' right back at you, Darryl.
Andy: [hugs Darryl] I'm gonna miss you too. Mmm!
Stanley: Andy's from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work, and died quietly from a heart attack?
Kevin: Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don't know. You know who's really funny? This bird, in the park, that can't fly right. I'd pay to see him. But I don't have to cause the park is free!
Sensei: I will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts.
Dwight: He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts!
Sensei: It's not a large room, I think they heard me.
Dwight: Take my belt, master. I now submit to you every part of myself. [thrusts hips at Ira]
Sensei: That's really ok. I'm mostly focused on the belt here.
Dwight: Just slip it off my'Slip it off my hips.
Sensei: Hold it'Take a step back. Take a step back. [they bow, then Dwight thrusts again] Okay, okay. I can't'I can't do this if you're gonna be thrusting like that, okay? I think we're gonna have to cut this off.
Dwight: He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt.
Angela: Dwight has been practicing karate for years. When we were dating, I would help him with his strength training. He would strap me to his chest in a baby Bjorn made for fat children and do lunges across the farm. It felt like I was flying.
Dwight: There it is. [everyone applauds]
Sensei: Congratulations.
Dwight: We did it, we did it. I love you.
Sensei: Okay.
Dwight: Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. You're gonna watch me right?
Sensei: Yes, I will. [Dwight starts doing karate]
Dwight: Sensei, you're not watching.
Sensei: Yeah, I'm watching. Just do it.
Dwight: Watching?
Sensei: I'm watching.
Dwight: Watch this part, okay?
David Wallace: Sensei, do you generally do house calls like this?
Sensei: Uh, you can just call me Billy. And no. No, but Dwight insisted. He wanted to receive his black belt in the place he loves most in the world.
David Wallace: He said that? He's an odd guy, isn't he?
Sensei: Yes. Irritating, also yes. But I gotta hand it to him, he's one of the most tenacious and determined men I've ever met. [Dwight finishes his routines and everyone applauds]
Esther: Oh! I'm am so proud of you, Schru-berry blue.
Jim: I really felt like I almost lost her, and'and nothing is worth that.
David Wallace: Well, I gotta tell you, Jim, a lot of guys in my circle? They wouldn't even change their golf schedule to shore up their marriage let alone their professional goals.
Clark: Dude, there is no way that Jim is just back here to hang out with Pam.
Dwight: You did not just say that! You don't know Pam. She is really cool.
Clark: All I'm saying is, forget about my chair. He wants the manager's chair. And I thought you wanted that job.
Dwight: Yeah, I did. But I made too many mistakes. It's out of my reach now. Besides, I think Jim would be a fine manager. I'd be happy to see Jim as manager.
David Wallace: So, the reason that I called you in here is because Andy is moving on.
Jim: Again.
David Wallace: Again! And I'm looking for a new manager. And with his performance this year, I have been considering Dwight. Am I crazy?
Jim: Not at all. It should be Dwight.
David Wallace: You sure?
Jim: You're gonna want to invest in a lot more liability insurance, but, uh'
David Wallace: Yeah.
Jim: Hey, if there is someone out there who loves paper more than Dwight, I definitely don't want to meet that person.
Nellie: Andy, we just wondered if we could have a word.
Andy: It's now or never.
Nellie: Well, we just had a quick question about this decision of yours. You know, to leave a stable job and pursue a career in the entertainment business. In your late 30s. With no savings to fall back on. And no real connections in that business, which can be competitive.
Andy: Yeah, sure. What's your question?
Kevin: Our question is'it seems dumb.
Andy: Well, it's better than sticking around here and half-assing it, right?
Nellie: Of course. But what if you were to stay here, you know, and 'full-ass' it? Um, really give it a go. Be the greatest manager in the history of this branch and in that way achieve the fame and immortality that you seek. Hmm?
Andy: Nah. I like my plan better.
Kevin: Well, Andy, your plan sucks, okay? Nobody is going to hire you ever. You're too character-y to be a lead and you're not fat enough to be a great character actor.
Andy: What?
Oscar: No, I don't think that he can make it as an actor. But, he also can't make it as an employee in an office, so why not go nuts with it?
Jim: Hey, are you still in charge of office supplies?
Pam: Yes. Yeah.
Jim: I seem to have sticky not emergency where I grab it on the wrong end, and this happens.
Pam: Oh, boy. Um'
Jim: If you could help me out, that would be'
Pam: I could give you some beginner stickies?
Jim: Anything would help.
Pam: Here you go.
Jim: Oh, also, while you're at it, if you did have a salt packet, three tacks and some aspirin, that would be great. Oh, wow. You have that.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Wow, that's'
Pam: It's all yours.
Jim: You come so prepared. Aspirin.
Dwight: You wanna get rid of a headache, you sit on something sharp. Any sensei will tell you that.
Jim: Hey, congratulations on that black belt, man. It's really great.
Dwight: Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the manager's job?
Jim: No. He was maybe thinking of you for it.
Dwight: Yeah, right. I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
Jim: I wouldn't be too sure about that. Just saying.
Dwight: Hello.
Andy: Well, hello.
Dwight: Big day for you.
Andy: Big day for you.
Dwight: Thank you.
Andy: Love the belt.
Dwight: Oh, yes.
Andy: You know, I don't know anything about karate but I have broken a few boards in my day. Diving boards, at my family pool in Redding. I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-dog's outta here, so letting it all hang out!
Dwight: This is exciting! You're finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings.
Andy: Thank you, I appreciate that. 'Cause a lot of people are saying I might not make it.
Dwight: Oh, I doubt you'll make it. Very few do who've tried to be a star. But, listen, you've saved up enough money to take a couple of years off to pursue your dream and have some fun, right?
Andy: No, I just applied for more overdraft protection.
Dwight: Andy, I have nothing to gain from getting you to stay, and everything to gain from you leaving. But please, I have known you for years, I have seen you perform. Dear god, don't quit your day job.
Andy: [cockney accent] Nothing is impossible to him who will try. [normal] Alexander the Great, if he were cockney.
Dwight: You're bad.
Andy: I'm gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person.
Andy: Erin. Honest Erin, cannot tell a lie. We lay together. That's something you can't take back.
Erin: So true. Is there a question, or are'what?
Andy: Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I am making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?
Erin: Bluntly? Yes. Huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless. Or maybe even starve.
Andy: Thank you. [steps into conference room]
David Wallace: You can stay on as a salesman, Andy.
Andy: Thank you. [leaves]
David Wallace: Dwight, could you come in here for a second, please?
Dwight: Say it again.
David Wallace: Will you be the new manager?
Dwight: Where?
David Wallace: Where?
Dwight: What branch?
David Wallace: Here. Scranton. [Dwight falls to his knees] Come on. Come on, Dwight. Get up. Let's go. It's good news.
Dwight: I'm sorry. I've just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean, I was interim manager once, but then I shot that gun.
David Wallace: What?
Dwight: But this isn't interim manager. No. It's Dwight K. Schrute' [pulls a business card out of his wallet] Manager.
David Wallace: Why do you already have this?
Dwight: In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision, David.
David Wallace: I know.
Dwight: I will never, ever let you down.
David Wallace: I know, Dwight. I know. [reaches out to shake Dwight's hand, Dwight hugs him] Okay. Okay. All righty. You're gonna do great.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Wow, hey.
Pam: Hi.
Jim: What's up?
Pam: Um, I have a question.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Oh, I had a question.
Jim: Really?
Pam: I did!
Jim: Yeah, totally you did.
Pam: Super important.
Jim: I need you to stay right here while you think about it.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: All right? I'm gonna wait.
Pam: All right. I did not come back here just to see you.
Jim: I'm sure you did not. What was your question?
Pam: I don't know, but it might take me a long time to figure it out.
Jim: Well, then, I should figure out things to do while I'm waiting.
Pam: Exactly.
Andy: Hey, everybody, I changed my mind. Not leaving. I'm gonna stay on in sales.
Nellie: Oh, thank god. Because sales could be your best role yet.
Meredith: Hey, good choice, man. Seriously. Don't want to see you in a porn next year.
Andy: Okay.
Kevin: Ooh, there's a great play about a salesman.
Andy: Death of a salesman.
Kevin: I don't think so.
Andy: Sure, 'Death of a Salesman' by Arthur Miller, it's a great play about crushed dreams.
Kevin: No, this one was written by Spongebob Squarepants.
Andy: [sits at Dwight's desk] Got any hot leads?
Pete: See, so you just push from under, and turn it around, and boom. No the staple crimps outward.
Erin: I had no idea. And here I've been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin' sheep.
Jim: Look who's back.
Pam: I'm back. Oh, hey, look, and now it's like a double date.
Pete: Wow. Cause, uh [gestures to him and Erin and then to Pam and Jim with sound effects]
Erin: Actually, maybe we should go on a double date some time. That'd be fun.
Pam: Yeah, we should do that for real sometime.
Erin: Well, how about Thursday?
Pam: Oh, well, Thursday's tough, because of'
Jim: Weeknights are actually tough just because'
Pam: They are.
Jim: That's true, yeah.
Erin: Just forget it. Forget I said anything.
David Wallace: Attention, everyone, just a quick announcement. Little reconfiguration to the staff. Dwight Schrute'
Dwight: David. Can I just do one thing while you're making this announcement and then I'll never, ever do it again?
David Wallace: I don't think so.
Dwight: It's just one thing. Just let me'let me do this'
David Wallace: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Come on'what I was about to say was Dwight'[phone buzzes] Oh, I'm sorry, I gotta'This'll be a second, sorry.
Dwight: Just wait and send it to voicemail.
David Wallace: Yeah.
Dwight: Come on. Come on.
David Wallace: [on phone] Then we'll get him a new set of drums.
Dwight: [climbs up on desk] Dwight Schrute is manager! [everyone cheers and applauds]
Andy: Brava, brava.
Creed: [from atop his desk] Creed Bratton is the new manager! [nobody responds]
Pam: What's going on?
Kevin: Dwight's the new manager. He freaking did it.
Pam: [hugs Dwight] Congratulations, Dwight.
Dwight: Pam.
Jim: [hugs Dwight] Congratulations, buddy.
Dwight: Thank you, Jim.
Clark: Congrats, Dwight.
Dwight: Get out of Jim's seat.
Clark: But I fought for this seat.
Dwight: You're an annex kid. You might be bullpen, we'll see. Give it a couple of years. Scram.
Pam: It's nice to have you back.
Dwight: So'
Jim: So.
Dwight: I wanted to offer you a new position.
Jim: Let's hear it.
Dwight: Assistant regional manager.
Jim: Nope. Can't accept that job. It's not a real job.
Dwight: Jim.
Jim: I'll tell you what I could accept is assistant to the regional manager. That is a real job and one I'd be proud to take.
Dwight: Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate, idiot.
Jim: Don't get me wrong, I am definitely here for Pam. But this is an awesome added bonus.
Dwight: So, all the numbers adding up?
Oscar: Hey, I didn't get a chance to say it, but' congratulations, Dwight.
Dwight: Thank you.
Angela: Yes. Congratulations.
Kevin: Yeah, and Dwight, I'd like to be the first to say congratulations.
Angela: This is a big day for you.
Dwight: Yes, it is. Carry on.
Andy: How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? It's cause I had a fallback. That's the problem. When you have fallbacks, it's just easy to give up. When Cortez landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats. So they could never return home. Huge dick move but very effective. I need to be that same kind of dick to myself.
Andy: Everyone! Changed my mind again.
Phyllis: What's it now, dream or no dream?
Andy: Uh, dream. Goin' with my dream. Gotta go all in, isn't that right, Jim?
Jim: Oh, don't look at me cause I think you're making a terrible choice.
Andy: All in! Whoo!
Andy: Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all.
Toby: Okay, then, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, but here's the thing. I can't have good old Dunder Mifflin to fall back on or else I'll never succeed. Gotta burn those boats! So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners.
Toby: Andy, you know I can't do that. It'd be lying.
Andy: Seriously?
Toby: Yeah, I'm'
Andy: Come on, just do it.
Toby: I can't.
Andy: All right, fine, just know that you made me do this. [starts touching Toby's thighs]
Toby: [fending Andy off] Oh, come on. Andy, no.
Andy: God, Toby, don't'stop blocking my hand.
Toby: No, no.
Andy: This is your'you brought this on.
Toby: No, no. Andy.
Andy: Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!
Angela: [answering phone] This is Angela. Oh. Hello, Miss Polodnikovski. Uh, how can I help you? Did my rent check not clear? Because I just transferred another $25 to that account. So if there's a problem it's clearly on your end. And'oh. Oh. Oh, okay. Good. Then... um' what is this about? No, no. Hey, hey! No, you are out of line Miss Polodnikovski. No, no you are. No you are! Evicted? Fine! I didn't want to live in that cesspool anyway! Listen, I get my security deposit back. Yes, I do. This is not fair! That is not fair! Well, you know what? You have so many hairs on your chin that Animal Control should've taken you away. That is very unladylike! You are disgusting! [hangs up phone]
Kevin: What do you think that was about?
Andy: David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And I'd just like to point out, I was mad at Dwight. I did it out of spite.
David Wallace: We put the past behind us, though, Andy.
Andy: What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company?
David Wallace: Enough, Andy. Enough!
Andy: Just stop forgiving me, David, please? This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself. What if I took a dump on your new car?
David Wallace: Oh my god.
Andy: Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.' [clip of him flipping off David Wallace] I think she's right. [clip of David Wallace yelling at Andy to get out] I feel calm now. [clip of Andy taking a dump on a car] I feel, like, for the first time in a long time, I'm doing the right thing.
Angela: Andy.
Andy: Yeah.
Angela: What are you doing?
Andy: Uh, heavy stuff like books on the bottom. So it don't squash my knickety-knacks on top.
Angela: Yeah, okay. That's not what I mean. You don't have to leave because you said you would. Don't let pride ruin your whole life. Okay? It's not worth it.
Andy: Wow. Angela. What we had was great, and, honestly I think about it a lot too'
Angela: Ugh.
Andy: But I just'it's in the past. And I feel like we shouldn't'
Angela: No, that's not'
Andy: Rehash'
Angela: No, none'No, stop. It's just'
Andy: Exactly.
Angela: Okay. Well, have a good trip. Good luck, Andy.
Andy: Thanks, Angela. You too.
Angela: Thanks.
Andy: A-bridge, a-burnt. No turning back now. Everybody, Lorelai and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how.
Nellie: Oh, good lord.
Stanley: Can't you just leave?
Jim: You know, Andy, you could just say a really nice goodbye.
Andy: Tuna, I'm a performer. And perform I shall. [sings 'I Will Remember You''everyone is slightly impressed]
Dwight: [whispering] You okay?
Angela: [crying] It's just a really nice song.
Kevin: [everyone applauding] Awesome!
Phyllis: Who knows? Maybe Andy will make it. He's not terrible.
Stanley: Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time. Like Lil Romeo.
Phyllis: No, he's good.
Stanley: He was good.
Oscar: Good night, Kevin.
Kevin: Night, Oscar.
Oscar: Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar.
Angela: Well, I've changed my mind.
Oscar: Wait a minute. You're not thinking of living in a'
Angela: Oh, god, could you just mind your own business?
Oscar: Okay, I'm just gonna say this. You are not going to live in a tent.
Angela: Oh, god.
Oscar: Come stay with me.
Angela: You don't want me at your place.
Oscar: I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which won't be long. It's the least I could do.
Angela: Well'
Oscar: Separate bathrooms.
Angela: Thank you.
Oscar: You're welcome. Let's go get Phillip. Then we'll get your stuff'
Angela: Okay.
Oscar: And get you the hell outta that place.
Angela: Are you allowed to have pets?
Oscar: Oh, Angela.
Dwight: Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day.
Darryl: You talk to Wade and Colin?
Jim: No, I just saw I missed their call. Why? What's up?
Darryl: We got an offer on the table.
Jim: What kind of offer?
Darryl: A buyout.
Jim: What?
Darryl: We're in play, baby.
Jim: Oh, my god!
Darryl: We did it! Hey, and look, the buyers wanna make sure it's not just a Philly play, so get this: they're gonna pay for us to go pitch out west. We talking Spurs, the Jazz, Cowboys. Blake Griffin, baby.
Jim: Wow, that is' wow.
Darryl: Yeah, we did it.
Jim: Yeah, we did. Hey, how long'how long do we think that's gonna take?
Darryl: Wade said we could do the whole country in three months.
Jim: Oh, man. Yeah, I can't do it.
Darryl: Can't do what?
Jim: This, man. I can't do this to Pam.
Darryl: No, no, Jim. This is different. This is everything.
Jim: I know. And I can't do it.
Angela: So is your place all bachelor-slobby and gross?
Oscar: No, it's neat and tasteful, like most gay men's homes. The stereotype holds up.
Angela: I wouldn't know. I never lived with a gay guy.
Oscar: Angela, you just were'
Angela: [starts sobbing] I love him.
Oscar: I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on. You'you can't'
Angela: No, not the senator. I love Dwight.