Pam: [on the phone with a client] I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah, I'm pregnant... Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks.
Dwight: Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Jim: [on the phone] Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely.
Dwight: No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably!
Pam: There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.
Dwight: [on the phone with a client] Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay.
Dwight: I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.
Pam: Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
Kevin: I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken.
Pam: Hmm.
Kevin: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.
Kevin: I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast.
Pam: Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking?
Kevin: I think it should be a surprise.
Meredith: [After Pam has a contraction] Oh, getting there, huh?
Pam: No, no. I still have time.
Pam: I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Jim: Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
Pam: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Jim: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
Pam: I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
Pam: Ooh.
Michael: Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car...
Jim: Michael.
Michael: Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.
Jim: Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Michael: Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
Pam: You know the baby's not going to live here, right?
Michael: Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.
Jim: Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty.
Michael: Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!
Pam: Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight.
Erin: Ooh, spooky. But why?
Jim: Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Pam: Everything's fine. We have plenty of time.
Nick: Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music.
Michael: Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
Angela: [as Nick looks over at her] What are you looking at?
Dwight: Ha, nerd.
Kelly: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.
Dwight: [with Angela in the break room] Bare my child.
Angela: Excuse me?
Dwight: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out.
Jim: [after Pam has another contraction] That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on.
Pam: Hold on, hold on. It isn't midnight yet.
Jim: Are you serious? Pam.
Pam: No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.
Jim: I... Pam, please.
Pam: I'm going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight.
Andy: Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate.
Pam: Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks.
Jim: Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Pam: Five minutes apart.
Jim: So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.
Pam: Okay, stop watching me.
Jim: Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check?
Pam: Not until midnight.
Andy: Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
Erin: I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.
Andy: My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book.
Jim: You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet.
Michael: No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.
Jim: [as Andy and Kevin shout 'yeah!' in response to Michael] Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Pam: Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Michael: Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go!
Michael: Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.]
Michael: The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
Andy: Can we do sleight of hand tricks?
Michael: I will allow that.
Andy: Yes! Can anyone do those?
Stanley: I'm going to go look at the Internet.
Jim: [as Pam has another contraction] Oh! Oh, alright. That's a good one.
Pam: Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking.
Michael: Okay.
Kelly: Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior.
Pam: Oh, thanks, Kelly.
Michael: Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?
Pam: Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.
Michael: Yes, Phyl?
Phyllis: I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.
Michael: [ as Pam shakes her head] Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that.
Andy: I can do the evolution of dance-dance.
Michael: [as Pam gives the thumbs up] That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay.
Andy: Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... [Pam begins to clap as Andy dances] You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance.
Ryan: [reading from a book as Kelly admires] 'You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home.'
Erin: [naming race horses] Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot.
Angela: Good afternoon.
Dwight: Have a seat.
Angela: What is this?
Dwight: Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Angela: Of course.
Dwight: It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
Angela: You know I was thinking...
Dwight: Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: [speaking into a voice recorder] Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?
Angela: Agreed.
Michael: [as Pam has another contraction] Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there.
Kevin: For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast!
Jim: Okay, you know what? I'm going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He'd probably know...
Pam: Jim, please. Happy thoughts here. Happy times.
Michael: Yeah, happy times. Come on. Let's have happy times.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one.
Erin: Um, stimulate the nipples.
Michael: Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Kevin: Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
Meredith: I have a shirt like that in my car.
Michael: Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?
Erin: Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We're already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.
Michael: Okay, the opposite of that?
Kevin: Stick spicy food up her butt.
Jim: Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let's go to the hospital. Pam, let's go to the hospital right now.
Pam: Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions.
Jim: Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry.
Pam: Why don't you go do some work?
Jim: Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled.
Pam: I know, you don't like to be frazzled.
Jim: No, I don't.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Oh, and by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally.
Michael: Ooh, someone's freakin'.
Andy: A little frazzled.
Michael: I think he is.
Jim: I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. [reading from various books] Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes.
Dwight: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight: Jonas.
Angela: Jedediah.
Dwight: Warf.
Angela: No Star Trek names.
Dwight: Okay. Fine.
Angela: What if it's a girl?
Dwight: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.
Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.
Dwight: Yes you can.
Angela: No.
Dwight: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Angela: Absolutely not.
Jim: [Pam approaches as he sits in his car] Hey.
Pam: Hey. I'm not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Jim: Ah, you know me too well.
Pam: Okay, Jim.
Jim: Yeah? ... Oh.
Pam: Everything is fine. You don't have to worry. Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?
Jim: Did you say 'she?'
Pam: I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn't wait... Oh, God, don't be mad.
Jim: Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Wow, we're having a little girl. Oh, man.
Pam: I know.
Jim: Woo, alright. Well, I definitely feel better.
Pam: Good.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Alright... Hey, did you change?
Pam: Oh, yeah, my water broke.
Jim: Oh. Oh...
Pam: [enters the office and has another contraction] Oh, whoa. Ha. Wow.
Michael: Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet?
Phyllis: No, it's 4:35.
Michael: 4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we?
Pam: No, not yet, Michael.
Michael: We can do...
Pam: Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin?
Michael: Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
Oscar: That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
Michael: What is October feast?
Pam: There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I'll get there. And if I don't get there, I don't get there.
Kevin: Our ultra feast menu's theme: Hollywood. We have Ratatouille, from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken, from Born Into Brothels. I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I... Are you okay?
Pam: Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm fine. Um, yeah, the doctor said it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it.
Michael: Okay, okay, Jim. I think this feast is over and it's time to go to the hospital.
Jim: Alright. Time to go. Okay.
Michael: That's right, let's do this.
Jim: Let's give it a shot.
Pam: Nope. No, no, that's better. That wasn't even the worst of them. I'm fine.
Jim: Hey, come on. Let's go to the hospital.
Pam: They're not that bad still, babe.
Jim: Pam, Pam, it's time. Let's go to the hospital.
Pam: No, it's passing, it's fine. It's okay.
Jim: Come on, Michael says we should go now.
Michael: Let's go, Pam. Yeah, I think we should head out.
Pam: No, it's passing, it's fine.
Jim: Pam.
Pam: Ah, no, it passed. It's good.
Jim: You know what? Let's go. We got to go to the hospital.
Pam: Okay, I'm not going. I'm not... It's fine. [Jim, Michael and Kevin try to help her up] Okay, come on, come on. No! I am not going! I am not going, okay!? I'm not going today because I can't do it, I don't think I can do it.
Jim: Hey, are you kidding me?
Michael: Are you kidding?
Jim: If anyone can do this, you can do this.
Michael: You can do this. You can do this.
Jim: Pam, I'm scared. I'm real scared.
Michael: I'm scared, too.
Kevin: I'm petrified.
Jim: The best news is, we're going to have a baby today.
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: A really awesome baby.
Michael: We're going to have a baby.
Jim: So let's have it at the hospital.
Michael: Let's do that.
Jim: How are we doing on contractions?
Michael: Two minutes apart.
Jim: Two minutes...
Pam: Oh, God. Oh, no.
Jim: Michael, I told you.
Michael: It's okay.
Jim: No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
Pam: Jim, we waited too long!
Michael: I know, I know, I know. It went by too soon.
Jim: We waited too long! Two minutes doesn't do us any good. Well, what happened to four and three minutes?
Michael: We're okay, Jim! Okay, Pamela. You know what time it is?
Pam: I don't want to have my baby here.
Michael: You're not going to. You know where you're going?
Pam: The hospital.
Michael: Yes, you are. And you know what you're going to have?
Pam: A baby.
Michael: Yes! We're going to the hospital and we're going to have a baby.
Michael: I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please!
Dwight: No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops.
Jim: Alright, we're driving ourselves, actually.
Michael: No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive. I will drive you. Check! Got it.
Jim: Alright, I have my wallet.
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Go bag's in the car... Keys, my keys, where's my keys?
Michael: Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag?
Erin: There's nothing in it.
Michael: You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
Oscar: The hospital provides dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!
Dwight: Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!
Pam: Dwight, get away!
Michael: No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please.
Erin: I didn't know we had a tape measure.
Dwight: [as he holds up the tape measure with his initials on it] 'We' don't.
Jim: Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found 'em. They're here.
Dwight, Jim and Michael: Here we go!
Phyllis: Good luck!
Nick: Good luck, Pam!
Michael: Thank you! Wish me luck!
Creed: Have fun! [sigh]
Meredith: Hey, it's 5:00!
Michael: [entering the elevator] Here we go! Here we go! On our way!
Stanley: Hold it!
Michael: Come on, Stanley! Okay. We're going now!
Toby: Oh, one more!
Michael: No, no, no, no! Out, out! Idiot.
Michael: Dwight, what is the traffic like?
Dwight: Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!
Michael: Alright.
Dwight: Let's go!
Michael: Geesh, Dwight!
Dwight: [as he peels out of the parking lot and stops] Michael!
Michael: What!?
Dwight: This is where I saw that deer last week.
Michael: Where?
Dwight: Right over by that fence.
Michael: By the bushes?
Jim: Okay, Michael! Focus!
Michael: Okay, go, go, go, go!
Dwight: Let's go!
Dwight: I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.
Jim: Alright, here we go! You're doing great! She'll be here soon.
Michael: Okay, just breathe... She? You found out? Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised.
Pam: Michael!
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: Stop texting, put your phone away! Come on.
Jim: Michael, come on!
Michael: I'm texting about you, okay!?
Dwight: Ugh, alright. [as he puts a police siren on top of his car] Let's move! ... What?
Policeman: Pull over!
Dwight: Are you kidding me?
Policeman: Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing various weapons out of the window] You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight!
Pam: Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here!
Jim: Okay.
Pam: It has the birth song on it!
Jim: Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine.
Pam: Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.
Jim: Okay, so what do you want to do?
Pam: I don't know! Let's go by the house and get it. It's only twenty minutes past the hospital!
Jim: Pam, no! Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now.
Michael: Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. [as he calls Dwight] Ready?
Dwight: Dwight Schrute.
Michael: Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday.
Dwight: Why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was.
Michael: Okay.
Pam: Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under...
Dwight: I don't need a key.
Pam: Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it's under the...
Dwight: No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala.
Pam: Dwight just listen! It's underneath... [Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket]
Michael: Okay.
Jim: Wait, you alright?
Pam: Yes.
Michael: Do you have everything, guys?
Jim: Michael, just go park the car.
Michael: Okay, alright. [he parks in an ambulance zone]
Hospital employee: Sir! You can't park here!
Michael: Dunder-Mifflin. It's okay. [he throws the keys into bushes across the street] I just did.
Jim: Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully faced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good.
Nurse: Daddy? She's ready to push.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go.
Jim: [as Pam screams] Doing great, push again.
Doctor: Not yet.
Jim: No, don't push. Pull. Pull.
Nurse: Why don't you get more ice chips?
Pam: No, Jim, stay!
Doctor: Okay. Really push this time, Pam.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: [looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby] Okay, not yet, not yet. I'm going to go wash my eyes.
Michael: That kid's going to have a lot of hair.
Andy: Hey, have you guys seen her?
Meredith: She hasn't popped yet.
Andy: What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.
Andy: I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper.
Phyllis: This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here.
Michael: I think it's going to be any minute now.
Phyllis: But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour.
Michael: Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
Phyllis: I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Michael: Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright.
Michael: [Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room] Guys? Hello? Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna...
Pam: This is happening!
Michael: You're starting, you're kinda losing them.
Jim: Oh, my God! Look at her! baby, she's so beautiful! Oh, my God.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Michael: [smoking a cigar] Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?
Doctor: Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out.
Michael: Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days.
Pam: [with Jim, holding the baby] She's incredible. Want to count her fingers and toes again?
Jim: No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there's still twelve on each.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Guys, guys!
Jim: Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.
Michael: Eleven pounds...
Jim: She's seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great.
Everyone: Yeah!
Michael: Thank you! Thank you!
Oscar: Congratulations. That's great.
(Pam's mom) Heleen: Hi there.
Jim: Hey, grandma's back.
Helene: Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee.
Jim: Great.
Pam: Oh, thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
Helene: Ooh, somebody has a full diaper.
Jim: Oh. Let me get it.
Jim: I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.
Michael: Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma.
Helene: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you.
Helene: I'm, uh... You know I think, uh, I think it's time for me to go.
Pam: Okay.
Helene: Love you.
Michael: Love you, as a friend.
Pam: Love you, mom.
Michael: Ooh, I want to hold the baby!
Pam: Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Michael: Alright.
Pam: Again, no pants.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jim: Ready?
Michael: Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael.
Jim: It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here.
Dwight: Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work [he begins to destroy the kitchen with a sledgehammer].
Michael: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family.
Andy: This man has a gift!
Michael: Who else here is single?
Kelly: I'm not single. I have a man. [she grasps Ryan's arm as Ryan has his hand raised to say he's single]
Michael: I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.
Stanley: Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?
Michael: Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Who else? Come on! People, I know models!
Ryan: Ha ha, plus size models, maybe.
Michael: Ha ha, you got that right! Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single.
Meredith: You know it. I am never getting married.
Meredith: Like Clooney.
Michael: Andrew, what about you?
Andy: Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing.
Andy: Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.
Michael: Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
Pam: Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents?
Jim: We were just kids. What did we know?
Nurse: How we doing?
Jim: Great.
Pam: Good.
Nurse: Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?
Pam: Doesn't she sleep here?
Nurse: She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You've been through a lot.
Jim: I think we'll be okay.
Nurse: Okay, great.
Pam: [as the baby yawns] Oh, big yawn.
Jim: Ready? One, two, three...
Pam: One, and then wrap around. It's okay. Hold that arm down.
Jim: I can't. She's too strong. She's, careful, though. You don't want to break it.
Pam: She's not gonna... Just...
Jim: I got it. Alright.
Pam: Go.
Jim: Nurse!
Jim: How you doing?
Pam: I don't know. I just, I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Doesn't feel right.
Jim: Well, you're pushing the milk out, right?
Pam: How does one do that?
Jim: Wasn't it... It's kinda like a... Like that.
Pam: Do you want to try it, Jim?
Jim: I think you're good. Doing a good job.
Nurse: Somebody buzzed?
Jim: Oh! Really? Must have sat on it, Pam.
Pam: I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right.
Nurse: Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Pam: Even if she's not getting anything?
Nurse: Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we're in the nursery.
Pam: No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Nurse: Oh, good. You know everything.
Pam: She's just, she's really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up.
Nurse: Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?
Jim: Alright.
Nurse: Alright.
Jim: It's going to be alright.
Pam: Maybe it'll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies.
Jim: Ha ha. No, yeah, that will be good.
Erin: [in Michael's office] You wanted to see me?
Michael: What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life?
Erin: Oh, boy! ... What's that sound?
Kevin: [as he appears from behind the door] Ta-da!
Michael: I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Kevin: Yes!
Erin: I don't know what to say.
Kevin: Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me.
Michael: Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together?
Kevin: Erin, would you have lunch with me?
Erin: Okay.
Michael: Good!
Kevin: Yes!
Erin: Michael, could I talk to you privately?
Michael: Sure. Kevin, please leave.
Kevin: Bye.
Michael: Bye.
Erin: I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy.
Michael: Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
Erin: I'm sure he'll be fine.
Michael: I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah.
Erin: Really?
Michael: No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him... I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
Erin: I don't want anyone to die.
Michael: Just don't let him sit on you... I'm kidding. You'll have fun. It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is. Go to him.
Kevin: Hi.
Erin: Hi.
Kevin: She touched my shoulder.
Nurse: Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.
Jim: Oh, hi.
Kathy: Hi.
Dale: Hi, so sorry.
Jim: Careful... Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.
Pam: I know.
Jim: You see that? I'm pretty sure she's... Hi.
Erin: Did you grow up around here?
Kevin: No.
Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Kevin: Yes.
Andy: Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botony class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botony class. And then, uh, they would say things like 'Oh, this guy's going to fail this class,' or, 'What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?' And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, 'Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.' ... Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and... I was jealous.
Hospital employee: Uh, hi, Pam Halpert?
Pam: Yes?
Hospital employee: Hi. I'm Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Pam: Um, yeah, that would be great.
Jim: Yup. Really great. When's she available?
Clark: Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let's see what we're working with.
Pam: So, uh, biggest thing, besides not being able to get her to latch...
Clark: I'll get that for you.
Pam: Oh, thank you. Is that um, I can't tell if I'm really producing. I don't know if she's getting anything.
Clark: Okay. Let me feel here.
Pam: Okay.
Clark: Yeah, it's quite full. Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand.
Pam: Okay.
Clark: When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Uh, does that hurt?
Pam: No, I mean, it feels... pressure.
Clark: Okay.
Jim: Are you sure it doesn't hurt?
Pam: No. It just feels like pressure.
Clark: Okay, well. Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? Like that?
Jim: Yup.
Clark: Stimulate it.
Jim: Yeah.
Clark: Alright, so you just want to do that, and that will, uh...
Jim: Perfect.
Clark: And you can just... The baby should grab on to that.
Jim: I think she will.
Pam: Okay. So, I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if...
Jim: We'll figure it out.
Clark: It doesn't... Why don't you bring your baby over here... She's beautiful.
Pam: Okay. Aw, thank you.
Clark: Yes, congratulations.
Jim: Thank you.
Clark: Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay?
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Please do.
Pam: Oh, shoot.
Jim: What?
Pam: Shoot, she fell off.
Jim: Oh, uh, try the torpedo thing.
Pam: Will you just, will you grab Clark real quick?
Jim: No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.
Pam: Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it'd be weird if you did it.
Jim: Okay, I'll just go get the other guy.
Dwight: [on the phone] Hey, what's up, kid?
Angela: Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you?
Dwight: Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?
Angela: I look forward to it.
Dwight: Very well.
Angela: Goodbye.
Pam: [trying to sleep as the baby cries] Jim, Jim, get her.
Jim: Hmm?
Pam: Get the baby. Get her. Come on.
Jim: Okay. Sshh. I know. [hands the baby to Pam]
Pam: I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! She latched! She latched.
Jim: That's amazing.
Pam: Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the 'C thing.'
Jim: That's awesome.
Pam: Aw, we're doing it.
Jim: that's great.
Pam: We're really parents now.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you.
Erin: Hey.
Kevin: Hi.
Erin: I have really enjoyed our time together.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: I want to continue working on our friendship.
Kevin: Really, really fun.
Erin: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: And, you're my friend.
Kevin: Yeah.
Erin: And I hope that I'm your friend... And, maybe...
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
Kevin: You said she liked me.
Michael: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
Kevin: I've dumped better than Erin.
Michael: No.
Kevin: Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.
Michael: Lynn was as hot as Erin.
Kevin: Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you.
Michael: This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you... Yes, Andy?
Andy: [he hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant] Ow.
Michael: Kev... Nice. Going.
Erin: Well...
Isabelle: Knock knock.
Pam: Oh, hey, Isabelle.
Jim: Hey.
Isabelle: Hey. Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her?
Pam: Yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh, let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweety... Oh, my God! Wrong baby!
Jim: What?
Pam: Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh.
Jim: Okay, okay.
Pam: Oh, my gosh.
Kathy: [waking up] Oh,has she been fussing long?
Pam: No, not at all.
Jim: Perfect.
Kathy: I was out like a light... Oh, she's not hungry...
Nurse: How's it going?
Pam: Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di...
Jim: Ha ha ha.
Nurse: Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home?
Jim: We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00?
Nurse: Yeah, you can. It's 2:35.
Jim: Half hour.
Nurse: Twenty five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat?
Jim: Yes, car seat's right there.
Nurse: That bottom part needs to go in the car.
Jim: Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.
Nurse: Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes.
Jim: Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be... Can we get a late checkout? I don't... I don't think she heard me.
Isabelle: [entering the Halpert house] Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here?
Dwight: Isabelle. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so...
Isabelle: Wow, ha. New cabinets.
Dwight: Yup.
Isabelle: All I did was bring macaroni and cheese... Where's the fridge?
Dwight: Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this.
Isabelle: Oh... Well, I'll let you get back to it.
Dwight: Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun.
Isabelle: Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.
Dwight: Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha.
Isabelle: Yeah...
Dwight: Alright. I'll call you, kid.
Isabelle: Do that.
Jim: Are you really sure we should be leaving?
Hospital employee: Yeah.
Jim: But you hear the baby crying, right?
Hospital employee: Mm-hmm... Where's your car?
Jim: Uh, it's in the lot.
Hospital employee: Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around.
Jim: Right, okay. Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back.
Pam: Okay, please hurry.
Andy: Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation.
Erin: Okay, good.
Andy: The fax says 'Erin, will you have dinner with me?' from Andy, and the number is our office fax number.
Erin: It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?
Andy: Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired.
Erin: [tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today.
Andy: Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax.
Erin: You read the fax.
Andy: I'm... I'm asking you out.
Erin: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner.
Andy: So, it's a date.
Erin: Yes. Do you have a day in mind?
Andy: Yeah, what day? What day?
Erin: Everyday is fine. Or...
Andy: Well, that, what's that one?
Erin: Thursday?
Andy: Okay. Let's do it.
Erin: Okay.
Hospital employee: Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?
Pam: Oh, yeah, sorry.
Hospital employee: Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today.
Pam: Okay, alright, thanks... Okay, do you want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay... Okay, let me... Just you and me. Come on. There we go... Yeah... Oh, yeah. Like that. There we go. You got it.
Jim: Five tickets on the windshield... Hey.
Pam: Hi. We did it.
Jim: You used my move, didn't you?
Pam: I used a variation of your move.
Michael: [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today... I think I'm going to be sick...
Dwight: Two forms of ID, please.
Angela: And now you, two forms of ID, please... Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature... What is it?
Dwight: Nothing.
Angela: Alright. How would you like to celebrate?
Dwight: Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... [Jim and Pam walk in to their house with the baby] I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days. I'll be out of your hair.


Michael: Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra! [Grabs and pours Kevin-esque scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket] Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day.
Kelly: I don't want to bring my friends, why can't it just be the two of us?
Ryan: Because it's St. Patrick's Day, people go out in groups.
Kelly: Well why don't you invite your friends?
Ryan: Why are you being so weird about this?
Meredith: Stop fighting. Just on St Patrick's Day, okay? Just one perfect day a year. No hassles, no problems, no kids.
Ryan: Why no kids?
Kelly: Yeah, where are your kids?
Meredith: Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today!
Michael: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
Erin: Welcome back, 'Dad!'
Jim: Oh, thank you!
Phyllis: Hey!
Stanley: Hey!
Andy: Welcome back Tuna!
Jim: Hey... [reveal Dwight's Mega-Desk]
Dwight: Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that, thanks.
Jim: What do we got here?
Dwight: Mega-Desk.
Jim: Of course.
Dwight: Command central.
Jim: Hm hm.
Dwight: Surveillance, gaming- and business.
Jim: Okay. [Pulls desks apart] Just gotta...
Dwight: Okay. Come on! Jim!
Dwight: Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But ... I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk.
Jo: Oh, I love this, so much fun! There's such team spirit in this room! 'Morning Darling!
Jim: Morning!
Jo: Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while. But I'm leaving it in the very capable hands of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Oh I'm gonna miss this place. And the snow! Hoo, my dogs love peeing in that snow! Makes me think they're onto something.
Jo: Oh good morning sweetheart.
Michael: Morning, honey-pile.
Jo: I'm sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?
Michael: It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.
Jo: [pulls out glass cube with coal.] Is that a lump of coal?
Michael: Yes it is!
Jo: Have I been that naughty?
Michael: No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal.
Jo: Err, thank you very much. We, we don't get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I'm used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you've ever tasted.
Michael: Mm, that sounds great, actually.
Jo: Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, you got a place to stay.
Michael: When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!
Andy: Erin go braugh!
Erin: Andy go braugh to you! Nice kilt!
Andy: Thanks. It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt.
Andy: Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to 'How I Met Your Mother' that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them.
Jim: No. [re-enters bullpen from kitchen.]
Dwight: Great.
Jim: No.
Dwight: Thank you. [hangs up phone]
Jim: No-no-no-no-no.
Dwight: Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please?
Jim: [swats over various photos and knickknacks, points at paperwork] Is this yours or mine?
Dwight: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
Jim: Good Lord! [Photo of Cece on Jim's desktop] I can't believe I'm missing this.
Pam: It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night, like a half snarl, half smile? I get the sense that she's very ironic.
Jim: Okay. Love you. We'll talk soon. [hangs up phone]
Dwight: Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life?
Jim: It is. Big time.
Dwight: Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now.
Jim: Pretty amazing.
Dwight: What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on.
Jim: Oh it's tough being here for a lot of reasons.
Dwight: I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.
Jim: Is that what happened to you?
Dwight: I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother.
Jim: That's a common mistake.
Dwight: Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending.
Angela: Hey! [Erin sneezing at desk] Are you sick?
Erin: Oh, no I'm fine, I just have a little indigestion.
Angela: In your nose?
Erin: Yes. [Angela returns to desk and puts embroidered breathing mask on]
Erin: I'm a little sick but I don't want to miss my date with Andy. I'll get better. Whenever I'm sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once, when I was in the hospital from age three to six.
Jo: Now, after all the talking I've been doing. It's your turn. This is a town hall meeting. I want to hear what you all sound like.
Michael: That is a great idea JB.
Jo: Thank you. You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper? That wasn't invented by some fancy engineer. No, that was created by a lowly typist.
Kevin: Jo, I have an idea, for suntan lotion - soap.
Jo: You know it doesn't have to be an invention.
Oscar: I have a question.
Michael: Oscar, homosexual accountant.
Oscar: In the training manual it says, that there is a minority executive training program in Tallahassee?
Jo: I am so proud of Sabre's 'Print In All Colors' initiative. Any Sabre employee of color, is welcome to apply. [Kelly applauds] Daryl?
Michael: Daryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse...
Jo: Okay hush now.
Michael: Okay.
Daryl: The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, but printers and paper ship differently. It'll be faster to deliver them separately, instead of waiting on everything to come in.
Jo: But you wouldn't need more trucks?
Daryl: Not at all. There's a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs.
Jo: Oh look at you.
Michael: Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We're very proud of you. You know what, we're gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen.
Jo: [Looks over his proposal] I like this Daryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here?
Daryl: Are you serious?
Jo: Yeah. Take Jim's old office.
Gabe: Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you.
Jo: Yeah, I want to hear more from you.
Daryl: Absolutely.
Jo: All right.
Daryl: Thank you.
Jo: Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody's mind? I'm leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while!
Michael: Oh no! Say it's not so, Jo, we're gonna miss you, we're gonna miss you so much!
Jo: Yes, well okay. Florida ain't that far away.
Michael: Well, I am heading down there.
Jo: Well, anytime now.
Michael: How about July 4th weekend? [Reveals paper ticket]
Jo: Oh honey you didn't buy a ticket?
Michael: I did!
Jo: Oh honey. I'm not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay?
Michael: You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and -
Jo: Enough!
Michael: All right, everybody, just try to put a brave face on.
Michael: Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Hmmm.
Daryl: [singing] Moving on up, to the East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky...
Michael: Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now. You are stressed, and I'm taking you to lunch.
Jo: No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set.
Michael: No is not an option.
Jo: Yes it is.
Michael: All right. Well if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no.
Jo: How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?
Michael: [laughs] I'll be over there.
Jim: And I'm actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now.
Dwight: [Whispers] Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you.
Jim: What?
Dwight: My headphones are broken.
Jim: Right.
Dwight: Can I listen to my music at a low volume?
Jim: Yeah that's great. Great.
Dwight: Okay? [Unplugs cord, sings] 'The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-'
Jim: [Overlapping] When's the last time you upgraded your printer?
D: - and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don't know when-'
Jim: [Whispers] Please stop that!
Dwight: -But we'll be together then-'
Jim: Can you grow up?
Dwight: -Dad, you know we'll have a good time then.'
Jim: [Turns off Dwight's music] Whether it's this time or next time.
Andy: [Vocalizes and continues song] 'The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon'
Jim: [On business call] Yeah.
Andy and Dwight: [Singing, Dwight supplies beats] 'Little boy blue and the man in the moon.'
Jim: No, we definitely can talk about it in the next-
Andy and Dwight: When you coming home Dad?
Jim: You know, can I call you back?
Andy and Dwight: I don't know when-'
Jim: That would be great, thank you.
Andy and Dwight: But we'll get together then, we're gonna have a good time-'
Jim: [On phone in hallway] No, I know I need to work, I just- I feel weird not being home.
Jim: I am not surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working.
Erin: This fax came for you. [Coughs]
Jo: Oh no no no! Are you feeling ill?
Erin: Uh...
Jo: Oh no honey, if you got a bug, I want you to go on home. I can't have you getting Callie and Jo Jr. sick. These dogs have got to be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week.
Erin: Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car.
Jo: Yeah, but you sound like death, girl. Now why don't you go on home and take care of yourself and get in bed. And shred that and have them send me a clean fax, okay?
Erin: Well... [Jo closes door on her]
Andy: She should go home. It's not the end of the world. We'll go on our date next week. She's still gonna like me in a week. Right?
Jo: Yes?
Andy: I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you. [Turns feint]
Jo: Oh! You're sick! [Andy coughs] Dangit! That's exactly why I sent that receptionist home.
Andy: No, no, no, no, no.
Jo: Get everybody sick in the office.
Andy: I have some good ideas...
Jo: We don't need any heroes here honey. It's time for you to get on home now.
Andy: You sure?
Jo: You'll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on.
Michael: Very nice.
Daryl: Not bad, huh?
Michael: A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen?
Daryl: I impressed her with my good ideas.
Michael: Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it?
Daryl: I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there.
Michael: How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?
Daryl: Now Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television.
Michael: Okay. All right.
Jo: Hey there.
Michael: Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.
Jo: Well there's chatting time and there's working time. I'm still on working time.
Michael: Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so.
Jo: Well, if you feel like you've done a solid days work...
Michael: Right. What?
Jo: Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home.
Michael: Mm. mm. Oh well.
Jo: Anything else I can help you with?
Michael: No, no, no. That's super-clear-ish. [Exits, closes door, takes off coat.] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Kevin: Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous.
Michael: Hey Pack-man.
Todd Packer: Hey what's up, Butt-plug?
Michael: How you doing stud? You already there?
Todd Packer: Dude, I've been here since three! I've boot and rallied twice.
Michael: How's the lady situation?
Todd Packer: Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance.
Michael: Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late.
Todd Packer: Oh here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!
Michael: Yeah. Maybe next year.
Todd Packer: Maybe next 'queer.' Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash?
Erin: [Opens door, surprised] Oh! Andy!
Andy: Hi!
Erin: I'm in my jammy-jams!
Andy: That's okay, I'm in my 'worky-works.' You look amazing!
Erin: Oh, thanks. Come in!
Meredith: Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?
Kevin: Oh I'm in.
Oscar: I'm in.
Meredith: All right. [The four of them get out of chairs to run out, Jo exits her office. They retreat.]
Jo: Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. [Scoffs] You do it by working hard. Or marrying rich. I did both!
Dwight: Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. [Jim is silent] No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. [Whistles 'Cat's in the Cradle' song]
Dwight: Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening [phone rings] I have...
Jo: Hello?
Jim: Hey Jo, it's Jim Halpert. I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client. And it's so weird, because we never have meetings after 5pm. But I was hoping that maybe just this once, it would be okay.
Jo: Well sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers.
Jim: You know I will. And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this!
Jo: Okay.
Jim: Okay.
Jo: Sorry Sugar. What'd you want?
Dwight: Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I'm just gonna reschedule for next week.
Jo: Thank you.
Jim: [pops back into Jo's doorway] Thanks again by the way.
Daryl: Hey! What are you fellas doing up here?
Warehouse guy 1: We're here to bust you out!
Daryl: I wish, but uh-
Warehouse guy 1: Dude! Your shirt tucked in?
Daryl: Oh. Yeah, um, I must have did that when I was in the bathroom. All right then, uh, let me get to it.
Warehouse guy 1: All right.
Warehouse guy 2: See you later.
Erin: Your hand's cold.
Andy: It is? I'm sorry.
Erin: Yeah, have some more blanket.
Andy: Okay, thanks.
Reid: What's up?
Andy: Whoa!
Erin: You're awake. Andy, this is my brother, Reid.
Andy: I didn't know you had a brother.
Erin: He's my foster brother.
Andy: Well, any brother of Erin's is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you. Andy Bernard. [They shake hands]
Reid: Cold hands. [Takes spot next to Erin on love seat]
Andy: Are we rotating seats, or?
Reid: Oh yeah, you're the guest. Take the easy chair, best seat in the house. Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet.
Erin: Hey! My feet aren't smelly, they smell like roses. Smell them! [puts her feet in his face]
Reid: Ooh! [Erin giggles]
Andy: So, how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent or-?
Erin: None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen.
Andy: All right. Formative years. [She laughs]
Reid: Nice skirt.
Andy: Yeah, it's a kilt.
Night cleaning crew: Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry. [They retreat. Pan around office still full with staff.]
Angela: Yes, I'm anxious to get off work. But let me be clear. It's not to celebrate St Patrick's Day. It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day.
Jo: Overnight all my damn bags home. I'm carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. I've had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry.
Michael: How late do we have to work tonight?
Gabe: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Michael: Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?
Gabe: Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead! [Laughs]
Michael: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing.
Michael: Hello Jo.
Jo: Anything I can do for you Puddin'?
Michael: There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sorta late. It's 8:30. And it's St. Patrick's Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees.
Jo: Hmm.
Michael: I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around.
Jo: All right then.
Michael: Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day. [Starts to leave office] And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship.
Jo: Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Jo: I look forward to that too.
Andy: Ooh. It's coming down out there.
Erin: Yes. Thank you, for coming all the way here.
Andy: No, I-
Erin: I'm so sorry I was so sick. [Andy leans in. She leans in. Reid appears in background. Erin kisses Andy on the cheek.]
Andy: Ah. Oh great, now I'm gonna get sick. [They both laugh]
Michael: Excuse me, excuse me. Hey guys!
Meredith, Creed, Oscar and Matt: [cheering Michael]
Michael: Drinks are on me!
Oscar: No! No, no no! Put your credit cards away. Drinks are on us!
Michael: Oh -hoh! All right.
Michael: Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, 'Don't worry, be happy.'
Todd Packer: Whoops! [Humps Michael]
Michael: Okay. Okay, all right. Best night ever. [Meredith joins behind Packer] What the hell is going on back there?
Jim: Yeah. We should be able to have that right over to you by Monday. Yeah no problem. [Reveal Jim behind Quad-Desk] Thank you.
Dwight: What the hell is this?
Jim: Oh!
Dwight: This is not Mega-Desk.
Jim: No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk.
Dwight: That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.
Jim: Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then aren't we? [Dwight's phone rings. He crawls into nook under Jim's Quad-Desk]
Dwight: Hello, Dwight Schrute?


Michael: Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. [holds up photo] Do you know who that is?
Jim: No.
Michael: Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt, jeans...
Jim: Is he you?
Michael: [laughs] I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp.
Jim: Where did you take that?
Michael: In my condo complex.
Jim: Oh my God, that's right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton.
Michael: I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.
Jim: Sure. That they should do one.
Michael: [feigning accent] Hey, Jim, Jim - where, where do I find the Black Pearl?
Jim: Who's that?
Michael: Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.
Jim: John Dillinger.
Michael: No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Jim: Captain Crunch.
Michael: Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?
Jim: At the Yankees game. Yeah.
Michael: Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.
Jim: I had a little better reason to believe that... You're right. You're right. Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp...
Michael: I know, I know.
Jim: ...in your condo complex.
Michael: I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.
Jim: M. Night Shulman?
Michael: [speaking at a staff meeting] First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like -
Stanley: When are we getting to sales topics?
Dwight: Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate?
Michael: Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company... are not here yet. But will be.. [muttering, people rise to leave] No, no, meeting's not over.
Phyllis: But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?
Michael: No sales topic per se.
Andy: Well then no Andy Bernard per se. [Andy and others begin exiting the room]
Michael: Dwight?
Dwight: Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make.
Michael: I would like your undivided attention, please.
Dwight: You couldn't handle my undivided attention.
Michael: Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.
Dwight: Listen, Michael - about what happened earlier.
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: When I was asking about the leads.
Michael: M-hmm.
Dwight: ... is there any news on the leads?
Michael: Is that all you have to say to me?
Dwight: Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! [leaves office] Alright, Dwight out!
Dwight: Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?
Angela: Hm-hm. Do you not answer e-mails anymore? Because I've e-mailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.
Phyllis: Honey, if I don't have time to answer an e-mail, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk.
Michael: Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big cheque. [Jim stands in corner, texting]
Jim: Oh, sorry, wait one second.
Michael: Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you.
Jim: This is actually a big potential sale, so...
Michael: You writing your memoirs over there?
Jim: You writing your name over there?
Michael: Well, it's a pretty big check.
Jim: That's good. You know, with the kid.
Michael: Okay. Don't gloat. Here's the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.
Jim: Alright, here we go. [taps page] Michael...
Michael: I'm just saying, that -
Jim: Michael - [Michael signs] Great.
Andy: [on phone] Very nice. Let me just, let me just write that down real quick. [motions to Darryl] Pencil? Can you give me that pencil? Hang on Teddy... [covers phone] I'm making a sale. Sales.
Darryl: There's other pencil's in this office.
Andy: Give me that [wrestles with Darryl, Andy falls over chair and to the floor]
Michael: Honey and jelly sandwich time. [removes lunch from fridge]
Darryl: Michael.
Michael: Oh, you got to be kidding me. [holds up squashed sandwich] Look at that. That's -
Darryl: I know who did that.
Michael: You saw who did this and you didn't stop them?
Darryl: Didn't have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control.
Michael: The sales department smashed my sandwich.
Darryl: Yes. All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them.
Michael: You don't get it.
Darryl: You need to get back on top.
Michael: That's what she said.
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
Erin: Something came for you, Michael. [hands him a parcel]
Michael: Thank you very much.
Jim: What'd you get?
Michael: Ah, just the stupid leads.
Jim: Alright!
Stanley: About time.
Andy: Me likey!
Phyllis: Finally, Michael. Hand 'em over, numbnuts. [Michael stares at her incredulously] But seriously. It's your job to give us those leads.
Michael: Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim... I think I am not going to give these to you. [Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud]
Stanley: We need those leads, Michael. It's our job Michael. Michael!
Gabe: [on phone] Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.
Michael: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone.
Gabe: Michael, I don't want to incentivise murder. But - we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff -
Michael: They act like I have no power.
Gabe: But you do. You are in charge -
Miichael: Thank you.
Gabe: #NAME?
Michael: Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that.
Gabe: Okay, good.
Michael: Exactly that.
Gabe: Good.
Michael: Exactly that.
Gabe: Why do you keep repeating - [Michael hangs up]
Michael: Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed! [hands him a lead]
Phyllis: What are you -
Michael: - and to King Meredith! [hands her a lead]
Stanley: They aren't salespeople!
Michael: And to King Angela! [hands her a lead] Because today we are all kings. And queens [pats Oscar's shoulder].
Phyllis: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Michael: I'm giving them the leads, Phyllis.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Jim: So I'm going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one's going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Alright. So why don't you just give me my share of the leads, and I'll start making some calls?
Michael: Okay. [passes Jim some index cards]
Jim: Hey, alright.
Michael: Alright.
Jim: Ahh, these aren't leads. What are they?
Michael: Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?
Jim: I don't think you understand -
Michael: I do understand it.
Jim: [holds up card] This one's a map.
Michael: Or is it?
Angela: Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail.
Phyllis: Are you gonna give me the leads or not?
Angela: I'll give you the leads. But you know what? It's going to cost you some clerical work [hands her a mountain of paperwork]
Phyllis: What are these for?
Angela: It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you're done, you can watch me shred them.
Kelly: I want to watch the Kardashians! I don't want to watch boring -
Ryan: It's my -
Stanley: The Kardashians is a good show.
Ryan: No it's - how would he even know the Kardashians?
Kelly: It's about a family. A real-life family.
Ryan: No, Stanley, do you -
Pam: [over phone] Hey baby, what's up?
Jim: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
Pam: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
Jim: Oh my god, I couldn't envy you more.
Jim: Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies [holds up index cards] - that's just unfair.
Jim: How about this one - 'When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place.'
Pam: He means his mopey place, it's under that streetlamp that he thinks was in Casablanca.
Jim: I love you.
Michael: Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. [cuts to Jim fishing one of the leads out of a catering size tin of Ravioli] A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally [clue next to Jim reads: 'Now that's Italian!'] Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing [cut to scenes of chaos as everyone argues] Some people shouldn't be in this business.
Andy: Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman.
Erin: Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. [grins] I hid the leads.
Andy: Where?
Erin: [mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key, Andy begins to walk away] Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. [Andy hovers his hands above her chest] Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower.
Andy: Are you...
Erin: Lower.
Andy: Are you sure?
Erin: Lower [tilts head toward her desk, then flips over her keyboard, revealing the leads. Andy scratches his head, recovering]
Dwight: What are you doing, idiot? [Jim is crouched down, peering under a car]
Jim: Michael's stupid scavenger hunt.
Dwight: Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. [grabs card] 'The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.'
Jim: [taps car] Lincoln.
Dwight: The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.
Jim: [holds up the retrieved lead] It involves you too.
Dwight: The leads are in?
Dwight: Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in.
Michael: Well, bigshot, 'If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes'.
Dwight: Kevin! Damnit [runs over to Kevin's desk] Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C'mon -
Kevin: You are never going to find them.
Dwight: Really.
Kevin: I'm going to enjoy this.
Dwight: [begins to strangle him] Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?
Kevin: [muffled] I'm still enjoying it.
Dwight: Where are they?
Kevin: Turn the trash. Turn the trash.
Dwight: Turn the trash [releases him - Kevin coughs] It's code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress.
Meredith: [stands up and reaches for her buttons] Okey-dokey.
Kevin: No, dear god, no, it's in the trash can. In the kitchen.
Meredith: It's coming off anyway.
Dwight: [dashes to kitchen, overturns the trash can, tastes the bin liner] Clean sack.
Kevin: What -
Erin: I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby's baba ganoush.
Toby: If we don't patronise the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and make-your-own salads.
Dwight: [dives into dumpster, rattling noises then he emerges] It's empty!
Michael: Wait. What day is today?
Kevin: Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So, Friday.
Michael: Oh my god. Oh my god [takes off running] oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey [chases after garbage van] wait, wait!
Michael: Okay. You know what, let's just go to the dump, start looking - Ryan, c'mon, shotgun in my car -
Phyllis: Michael, why would we all go to the dump?
Michael: Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump.'
Stanley: Not your staff, Michael. You.
Michael: Well, that's not the way it's going t sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you -
Toby: Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a, falafel?
Michael: Really?
Angela: I'm not going. You did this, not us.
Michael: Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit [looks to Jim for vocab-reassurance] Complicit. You were all successories!
Darryl: That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go.
Michael: You can.
Darryl: I can't. You know that.
Michael: Okay fine, I get it. I'll just go by myself.
Dwight: I'll go, Michael. You'll just screw it up.
Dwight: [looks around dump] This place has gone to hell.
Michael: You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me.
Dwight: Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak.
Michael: Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters.
Kelly: [to Oscar] You're adorable. You need to go for it. [Jim enters the break room] I'm going to be, like, mad at you if you don't -
Jim: Phew! Can't wait for this day to be over.
Kelly: Why?
Jim: Just all the - drama.
Kelly: What drama?
Jim: Between the - us and you guys. It's unnecessary, right?
Kelly: So unnecessary.
Jim: Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that.
Kelly: I mean, if the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad - did you ever think of that?
Jim: I have new baby pictures.
Kelly: Don't use your cute baby to make us like you.
Jim: She's wearing a onesie [holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm]
Stanley: If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly.
Jim: Didn't we kind of start it?
Phyllis: I think you're remembering that wrong?
Andy: Yeah.
Phyllis: I don't know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company's changed, and if they don't like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India.
Jim: Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable, and may be heading for something bad?
Andy: All those who agree, say aye [all present - Stanley, Andy and Phyllis - raise their hands] All those opposed -
Jim: I don't think we need opposed.
Michael: [kicking through rubbish at the dump] You've changed, man.
Dwight: Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?
Michael: Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.
Dwight: Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.
Michael: No, I'm talking about your personality, Dwight.
Dwight: When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I'd assistant managed him -
Michael: Assistant to the managed him -
Dwight: Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot!
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you, going nowhere.
Michael: You think you would have done better without me? Really?
Dwight: I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.
Michael: Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldn't have been hanging out watching karate movies with you -
Dwight: Kung-fu movies!
Michael: You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies -
Dwight: Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars.
Michael: That's my wife you're talking about, man.
Dwight: Your made-up wife? Who doesn't exist? [Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps] You watch it!
Michael: If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you.
Dwight: Don't do it [lobs something at Michael]
Michael: No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. [they throw volleys of rubbish at each other] No, time out, time out. [Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight] Time in!
Dwight: No! [lunges for a large wooden spool]
Michael: Don't even think about that [Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.]
Dwight: [kicks spool] Stop it, get out! That's my spool.
Phyllis: What's the least we can do to make this okay?
Jim: I'll text Pam. She's really good at this stuff.
Andy: And I'll text Erin. She's really good at this stuff too.
Phyllis: I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.
Stanley: That is a dangerous precedent.
Jim: Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods.
Phyllis: Oh, if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one.
Jim: Alright. Then we're back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I'm for it.
Phyllis: Okay, fine. Cash it is.
Andy: Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from far-away beaches'.
Michael: Okay, Dwight. Here we go [picks up a sink, spills dump juice on his pants] oh god.
Dwight: Oh [half-heartedly throws something]
Michael: We're never going to find those leads, are we? [they both sit on the edge of a claw-footed bathtub]
Dwight: [surveys the mountains of trash surrounding them] Wow. Amazing, isn't it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this.
Phyllis: So how about, guys, one percent commission a month instead of two, what do you -
Jim: No, we agreed, two percent for the quarter. Okay [others enter] Hey everybody!
Meredith: [stares at the table filled with treats] Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty.
Jim: No, no - this is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is: really sorry.
Andy: Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.
Phyllis: Yeah, we wanted to do the right thing. So... [Jim gestures for her to continue]
Oscar: Way to go, guys. This was an integrity move.
Kevin: Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell.
Angela: Do you have any pastries without fruit?
Jim: Yes! We do. [opens box] Eclairs.
Stanley: [enters room] Well, you better be happy, taking two percent of our -
Jim: #NAME?
Phyllis: Our treats, Stanley, they've accepted our simple offer of treats. Nothing more.
Stanley: [beams] This is - nice! [pats Oscar's shoulder] All of us back together.
Michael: This [picks up racquet] Why would somebody throw that out?
Dwight: Hey [holds up an old sweater] You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple, much?
Michael: Yeah, she does - she loves purple. [Dwight sniffs it] Does it stink?
Dwight: Yeah [puts it back in the bath tub]
Michael: Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read:
Dwight: Hope - grows.
Michael: In the dump.
Dwight: [drives into office parking lot, honking horn. Enormous purple object strapped to the roof of their car] Woo hoo!
Stanley: Good news that you found our leads?
Michael: No! Better!
Dwight: We have an awesome bean bag chair that's perfect for the break room. [reaches out the window and pats it]
Phyllis: Yuck. I'm not going to sit on that disgusting seat.
Dwight: Yeah, damn right you're not. 'Cause it's for me and Michael only [they both cheer and high-five]
Andy: [at dump] It's freezing out here.
Erin: [strips off jacket] Go on. I have warm blood. [tries to drape her small jacket across Andy's back]
Andy: Oh wow, thank you. You're the nicest person I've ever met. [Andy and Erin kiss]


Dwight: [Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups] Breathe. Work your core. Come on.
Michael: How many is that?
Dwight: Not counting the last one, 25.
Michael: Count the last one.
Dwight: Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!
Michael: Oh, new record!
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Oh, what did you do today?
Jim: I made a sale.
Michael: Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.
Meredith: What do we get if we do 'em?
Michael: My respect. [everyone returns to work] Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups -
Dwight: And one girl push-up.
Michael: Gets to go home. [everyone starts to do push-ups] Ooh! I say 'dance,' they say 'how high?' Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. [steps on Angela] Disqualified!
Angela: Ow!
Michael: What do we got? Creed, disqualified.
Creed: [from desk chair] Oh, come on!
Jim: 19. [grunts] I had a really hard work out this morning.
Michael: [Stanley straining and breathing heavily] Oh, wow, that is adorable!
Phyllis: Ten...
Michael: Yeah, I'm betting one more.
Phyllis: Eleven, wow!
Michael: Good.
Everyone: [chanting] Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley...
Michael: Alright, alright. [chanting continues]
Oscar: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.
Michael: Well, it's not exactly fair. He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down.
Dwight: 25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it!
Phyllis: One more, one more! [cheers and applause]
Oscar: You okay? You okay, Stanley?
Stanley: Excuse me.
Jim: Wow. [applause]
Oscar: Hey. Matt, right?
Matt: Hey, Oscar. You're here early.
Oscar: I always come in at 7.
Warehouse Guy: No, you don't.
Oscar: Well... Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight?
Matt: I don't know. I'm free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know.
Oscar: Yeah.
Oscar: Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. [tries to open door, locked] Just a couple of hours to kill before work.
Darryl: Hey, what's up?
Oscar: Hey, nice office.
Darryl: Thanks, it's cool. So...
Oscar: You know what we haven't done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink.
Darryl: Has that ever happened? Ever?
Oscar: Didn't we? I think we did.
Darryl: You want me to invite Matt?
Oscar: Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included.
Darryl: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.
Oscar: So happy hour.
Darryl: Happy hour. My pleasure.
Oscar: All right.
Oscar: So what do you think?
Phyllis: Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I'd like to try. I'll ask Bob.
Phyllis: Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats 'em up. What?
Andy: A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.
Jim: I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam's at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in.
Andy: Oh, baloney.
Jim: Good one.
Andy: Ring her up.
Jim: Absolutely, I will do that right now.
Jim: I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I - and I love her. I also love her, very much.
Jim: So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-
Pam: [on phone] Yes! Yes! I would love to!
Andy: Ha! Knew it!
Pam: [through phone] It's been so long since I've been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley's going to be there. Yes, oh my God!
Jim: I did not see this coming.
Andy: Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. [whispering] Are you going later?
Erin: Sure, if you are.
Andy: Yes.
Erin: Talk to me that way again, and I'll cut your face off.
Andy: Whoa.
Andy: We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um... but we're kinda keeping it quiet for now 'cause it's still kind of a new thing. It's a little delicate, and we just don't want all the drama.
Erin: Exactly.
Andy: Yeah, cause when everyone knows- [knock on window, open blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures] That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.
Erin: Quiet.
Andy: Hey, boss man.
Michael: Yes?
Andy: A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?
Michael: Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time.
Andy: I'm sorry, I meant later.
Michael: Ok, yes. Sure.
Andy: For happy hour?
Michael: No, I got that.
Andy: Trying to get a head count.
Michael: I am in.
Andy: All right, yes! It's a deal.
Michael: It's a deal.
Pam: Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: I want her to meet Michael.
Jim: Why?
Pam: They're both single, I have a sense they might-
Jim: You've been gone for a long time.
Pam: It is not that. Kevin! Oh!
Kevin: Yeah! [hugs Pam]
Pam: Hey, how are you?
Kevin: Oh, I missed you so much.
Pam: Aw!
Kevin: Yeah!
Pam: Yeah!
Kevin: Waaah! [starts to make crying baby noises]
Kevin: When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what's fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know... that would be funny.
Michael: Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs]
Jim: Easy.
Michael: It's not a birthday, it's not a good-bye party...
Jim: Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth.
Michael: Sucks to be you.
Jim: Would you like to be our fourth?
Michael: That would be sublime.
Jim: All right.
Darryl: So, the guy shows me the deck he's built. And I'm like, 'I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.' [laughter, Oscar looks toward door] It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs.
Pam: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Pam: This is my friend Julie.
Michael: Hello, how are you?
Julie: Good. Hi.
Michael: What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs]
Pam: Julie laughs at everything.
Julie: So you work with Pam and Jim?
Michael: Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.
Julie: [giggles] I should hope not.
Michael: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.
Isabel: Hey.
Pam: Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness.
Isabel: Of course.
Pam: You want to play pool?
Isabel: Um, I'm gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone.
Pam: Ok.
Angela: And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-
Dwight: Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn't Isabel.
Isabel: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?
Isabel: A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.
Dwight: Ooh, I love repartee.
Isabel: Do you?
Dwight: Usually means there's a battle scene coming.
Michael: So, what do you do?
Julie: I am an ESL teacher.
Michael: Really?
Julie: Yeah.
Michael: See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?
Julie: Are you thinking that I said 'ESP?'
Michael: Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.
Julie: I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.
Jim: So what do you think?
Michael: About what?
Jim: About Julie?
Michael: She's nice.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: So you like her?
Michael: Uh, yeah, sure.
Jim: So Pam was right?
Michael: About what?
Jim: About you two hitting it off.
Michael: [removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap]
Hide: My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.
Oscar: I know.
Pam: Hey, Michael, where have you been? [Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces]
Jim: Hey, you're supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok?
Pam: Why are you wearing a hat now?
Michael: Guys, come on, I'm on a date. Let me do my thang.
Michael: Hi, I'm date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink]
Jim: You want to just make a run for it?
Pam: Maybe.
Kevin: Waaaah! [Kevin fake-cries into Pam's chest] Waaaaah! Mommy!
Jim: What is happening?
Andy: Whoa! What is crackin?
Ryan: Guys, one second. [on dance videogame]
Kelly: We're focusing, we're focusing, we can't talk.
Erin: What's this game?
Ryan: One second.
Andy: Yeah, how do you play?
Ryan: Guys, guys, guys, please. [game ends] Ok, all right, it's all yours now.
Kelly: Only three tickets.
Ryan: If we save 'em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.
Kelly: Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.
Ryan: I know, but you wanted the big thing.
Andy: Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?
Erin: Oh I know.
Andy: They'd be like, 'what's up with those two?'
Erin: Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.'
Andy: Did we miss the wedding?' Um, I got it-I'll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we'll switch.
Erin: Yes, okay. Yeah, that's smart.
Andy: No drama. Ok.
Isabel: Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole.
Dwight: Any brothers or sisters?
Isabel: Three brothers.
Dwight: Really?
Isabel: Two are in the Marines, one's a cop.
Dwight: Vegetarian?
Isabel: No. I love meat.
Dwight: What's your blood type?
Isabel: O-negative. Universal donor.
Dwight: Universal donor. [startled by Angela, curses]
Dwight: Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.
Michael: Hey, guys, guys, guys. [steals a cherry from waitress passing buy] Watch this. Ready?
Julie: What are you doing?
Michael: I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
Jim: Michael, you don't have to do this.
Michael: [choking] Wow. Oh, wow, that was close.
Michael: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
Phyllis: Hey, you two having fun?
Andy: Did you tell them?
Erin: No.
Andy: This is exactly what I don't want, the drama. I don't want the drama!
Erin: I get it.
Isabel: [Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole] You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight: Whacking moles. Hit 'em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.
Isabel: Whack!
Dwight: Extend the fingers more.
Isabel: Whack!
Dwight: Good.
Angela: This looks like a hoot.
Dwight: Hey, monkey, how you doing?
Angela: Whack.
Dwight: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?
Angela: Okay.
Dwight: Look, I've been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don't need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.
Angela: It's no worry.
Dwight: It's just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family.
Angela: I could see enjoying that.
Dwight: No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You're off the hook.
Angela: But we signed the contract.
Dwight: Dissolved. Don't worry, you're free. Okay? Okay. See you later.
Angela: We both-you didn't dup-
Jim: [Michael playing air guitar on pool table] Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he's not normally like this.
Pam: Maybe it should come from a man.
Jim: Maybe it should come from a note... with flowers...tomorrow.
Bar Manager: Hello.
Michael: Hello.
Bar Manager: Hi.
Michael: Hi.
Bar Manager: You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?
Michael: Yeah, why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?
Pam: Hey, Michael, why don't you just get down.
Michael: Hey, she can tell I'm on a date, right? Right? I'm just having fun.
Bar Manager: Ted, are we having fun?
Michael: Really? You told on me. That's lame.
Bouncer: We got a problem?
Michael: Yes. Homelessness. What?
Bar Manager: All right, go.
Michael: Where?
Bar Manager: Get out. Now.
Michael: Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I'm just kidding around. I'm sorry.
Pam: Ok, um, why don't we just finish the game? Michael, it's your shot.
Michael: She can't talk to us that way.
Pam: You guys are stripes, I think...
Michael: You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?
Jim: It stopped.
Michael: Well, I am starting it again!
Pam: Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.
Michael: Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize.
Bar Manager: Then I am sorry that I didn't kick you out.
Michael: I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Bar Manager: Well, uh, I'm the manager here, sir.
Michael: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don't see that from you.
Bar Manager: Is that how you do it?
Michael: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
Bar Manager: Really? How much have you written?
Michael: I've written all of it... in my head.
Bar Manager: Oh.
Michael: If you're really interested, it's called 'Somehow I Manage' and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.
Bar Manager: Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca's? It's a classic.
Michael: Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.
Bar Manager: Dude, tonight! You're not going to want to put it down. It's gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow.
Michael: I own a Chrysler.
Bar Manager: Shut up.
Michael: No, you shut up.
Bar Manager: What's your drink?
Michael: Grenadine.
Bar Manager: What?
Andy: We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead.
Erin: Okay.
Andy: [Andy sits at table with another woman] Hi.
Girl at table: Hi.
Andy: I don't normally do this, but...
Girl at table: Do what?
Andy: Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.
Erin: [Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh] Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?
Andy: [Andy spits out his drink] What are you doing?
Erin: What we said to do.
Andy: We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!
Erin: I was flirting with a man.
Andy: Get in here. [Andy and Erin go into photo booth] Where did you learn to talk like that?
Erin: The movies. I don't know.
Andy: Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?
Michael: I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.
Bar Manager: You have a card?
Michael: I did. I actually put it in your bowl.
Bar Manager: Stanley Hudson?
Michael: No, no.
Bar Manager: Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson's in here.
Michael: No, it's Michael Scott.
Bar Manager: Michael Scott?
Michael: He is I.
Bar Manager: You just won yourself a lunch.
Michael: Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up]
Julie: I think I'm gonna go.
Pam: Really?
Julie: Yeah.
Pam: I'm sorry, he's not usually like that.
Julie: What's he usually like?
Pam: He's more, just... like... you can go.
Julie: Yeah.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Okay. Bye.
Jim: See ya. Nice girl.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Hey, Julie! You having fun? [Julie leaves]
Bar Manager: So... when are you coming in for that free lunch? You're gonna want to come in on a day that I'm working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too.
Darryl: Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right?
Oscar: I couldn't understand a word he said.
Darryl: Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.
Oscar: Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.
Matt: Hey, what's up?
Oscar: There he is! Hey, hey, hey.
Matt: Anyone up for some hoops?
Oscar: Sure. Hoops!
Matt: Let's do it.
Oscar: Hoop it up, right.
Andy: This is not what I want my relationship to look like. [holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting]
Andy: [over PA] Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.
Andy: You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.
Erin: [laughs] You love drama.
Andy: I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.
Dwight: With this move, he can't get you.
Isabel: Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler.
Dwight: Oh, please. I wish he'd come after me. I would be like-aaah!
Angela: Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Dwight: Sh-what?
Angela: You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court.
Dwight: No, no, no. [trying to talk over her] Blah blah blah blah!
Angela: For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.
Isabel: What are you talking about?
Dwight: What are you-
Angela: Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me.
Dwight: Angela...
Angela: Did he not tell you that?
Dwight: You're really putting me in an awkward position here.
Angela: Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?
Dwight: Angela, not here!
Angela: Dwight?
Isabel: Whack! [Isabel smacks Angela on forehead]
Angela: You'll see me in small claims court!
Dwight: You are an impressive specimen.
Isabel: Thank you. [Dwight and Isabel kiss]
Kelly: [crying] Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn't give me a refill.
Pam: Oh-oh, gosh. Oh.
Jim: You all right?
Pam: Okay, we have to get home.
Kevin: Yeah!
Michael: Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady.
Jim: Actually, you didn't.
Pam: Not at all.
Michael: I think I did. But I can't take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me.
Darryl: Tell 'em your story, Hide.
Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!