Dwight: [yelling] Attention everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of-
Jim: Too loud.
Dwight: #NAME?
Jim: Too, too loud. Too Loud.
Dwight: But effective, look! [everyone turns to pay attention] On behalf of Jim and I, Merry Christmas.
Everyone: Merry Christmas.
Dwight: Merry Christmas. Good.
Dwight: My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.
Dwight: It is time to unveil the tree.
Oscar: Hey, Rockefeller Center!
Jim: Yeah.
Ryan: Uh, I have actually been to Rock Center, and this is nothing like that.
Jim: This is all we have.
Ryan: Ugh.
Jim: No, it's not 'ugh.' It is... office camaraderie.
Dwight: It is warm feelings.
Meredith: Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it?
Dwight: Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! [others join]
Jim: Why would you start so high?
Dwight: Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ...
Jim: Three, two, one! [pulls sheet to reveal Christmas tree]
Phyllis: Ooh.
Pam: Ah!
Phyllis: You didn't decorate it?
Jim: No.
Dwight: Exactly.
Jim: We didn't, because we think it'd be better to do it together.
Dwight: Everyone.
Andy: Why would you wrap it in a sheet, if you're not covering anything up?
Pam: Is it, is it fake?
Jim: Pam!
Dwight: Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never die...
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: Like the spirit of Christmas!
Stanley: We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree?
Dwight: This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas!
Erin: Hello. Sorry guys. [louder, face is scratched up.] Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas? As my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop.
Kelly: What psycho would send that as a gift? [Kelly hugs Erin]
Andy: I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds? [six geese are inside Erin's car]
Phyllis: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus!
Dwight: Hey Santa!
Oscar: They finally let you do it!
Phyllis: Yeah!
Kevin: Congrats Phil!
Erin: It's so edgy!
Phyllis: I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [she awkwardly hugs Jim] It's been a long journey... but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus!
Pam: So Santa, what can we expect from this party?
Phyllis: It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good!
Creed: What if you've been bad?
Phyllis: Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you!
Creed: What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong?
Jim: Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal!
Phyllis: Yeah.
Dwight: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea, for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself... in jail!
Pam: You know Oscar every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box!
Oscar: That's funny.
Pam: Is it funny? I thought it was more ...interesting, than funny. [she walks over to see Oscar at the window looking down on man catching a football in parking lot] I think my water just broke!
Oscar: That's too funny.
Pam: Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!
Michael: Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. [points to Pam's' pregnant tummy]
Pam: Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis.
Michael: What the hell is going on?
Michael: Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Phyllis?
Jim: Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it.
Michael: Take it back. That is absurd.
Jim: No, I'm not gonna do that.
Michael: No? No! Jim! Come on!
Jim: I think she's doing a good job.
Michael: It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!
Jim: I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa.
Michael: Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.
Michael: If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably 'freedom.' At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.
Michael: [santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!
Group: [mutters] Okay...
Michael: No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name?
Kevin: Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap.
Michael: Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.
Kevin: When can I sit on your lap?
Michael: Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God.
Kevin: That's really comfortable. [Michael gasps]
Michael: What would you like for Christmas little boy?
Kevin: I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.
Michael: What did you think was going to happen?
Kevin: I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.
Michael: All right, just say 'some toys' please.
Kevin: Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list.
Michael: Damn it Kevin, come on.
Kevin: What about if I tell you the things I don't want?
Michael: Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!
Kevin: I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted!
Michael: Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Kevin: Awesome.
Phyllis: Well?
Jim: I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa.
Phyllis: The only Santa.
Jim: That's what I want.
Phyllis: You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved!
Jim: What would Bob do?
Phyllis: Never mind, I shouldn't have said that.
Andy: Does it hurt?
Erin: It stings a lot.
Andy: Hmm.
Erin: I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts.
Andy: I know, right?
Erin: So far no one will admit to it.
Andy: Huh!
Erin: Is it you? [Andy stage face, eyes pop, big mouth smile, Erin laughs]
Andy: Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me.
Erin: Seriously?
Andy: Seriously?' Are you serious?
Erin: What?
Andy: Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Santa! Busted!
Oscar: There he is.
Daryl: Hey.
Oscar: Is Matt around? I got his check.
Daryl: Uh, Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here, I'll take it.
Oscar: Ah, I'll just... wait for him.
Daryl: Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think?
Oscar: I'll just leave it here with you. [drops checks, leaves. Daryl smirks]
Michael: Ryan come here!
Ryan: Whoa, whoa.
Michael: Come on, come on.
Ryan: I'm doing something over here.
Michael: Ahhh... Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here!
Ryan: What are you talking about?
Michael: Just sit down!
Ryan: No no no.
Jim: Hey hey hey. Everything okay?
Michael: Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!
Jim: Can I just talk to you for a second?
Michael: Whoop! Okay, what?
Jim: You can't yell out 'I need this, I need this' as you pin down an employee on your lap!
Michael: Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless!
Jim: Yup.
Michael: Do you understand, you forced my hand?
Jim: Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa.
Michael: Oh, do we? Do 'We?' Is that what 'we' want? Why don't 'we' take a vote on it?
Jim: Great!
Michael: Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are-
Jim: Who wants Phyllis as Santa? [most everyone raises their hand]
Michael: No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we -[Dwight counts the raised hands] Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me?
Kevin: Michael I had you. I just want to try Phyllis.
Jim: And if you want Michael as Santa, raise your hand. [Michael, then Dwight raises hand] Can I get you some punch?
Michael: I'll get some punch. That looks delicious. [shoves Santa hat into punch]
Office: Aw, Michael!
Dwight: Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger.
Phyllis: How do you know it's a gun?
Dwight: What else does it look like?
Stanley: Not a gun.
Dwight: Well I don't have all the pieces yet.
Stanley: Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun.
Dwight: Not a gun. [crosses gun off his 'what could it be' list]
Phyllis: In the North Pole I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys. So today, let's put a twinkle in Ole Kris Kringle's eye! Let the party begin! [Dwight plugs in tree lights, office applauds.]
Michael: I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and ...broach pendants. 'Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself.' That's not - I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me.
Michael: Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget.
Toby: Wow Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is.
Michael: Oh the Anti-Christ!
Toby: You can't, [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion.
Michael: Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying?
Toby: No!
Michael: Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!
Andy: Hey Phyllis, could you not reveal to Erin that I'm her Secret Santa?
Phyllis: All right sweetie, I'll tell her its Michael.
Andy: Okay.
Kelly and Erin: [singing] I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day...
Pam: Have you talked to him?
Oscar: Who?
Pam: Matt?
Oscar: Is it that obvious? [Pam starts towards Matt] No- hey...
Pam: Mmm! Good pate, right? [Matt nods yes] Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar?
Matt: I don't think so.
Pam: Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your pate.
Matt: I had some.
Pam: Oscar's pate is great. I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the good ones are never straight, right?
Oscar: Okay Pam.
Pam: Okay.
Pam: Yes! They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.
Phyllis: This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch!
Dwight: We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package]
Michael: [on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit?
Dwight: Yes! [Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part]
Michael: Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Phyllis: Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year -
Stanley: I have.
Michael: [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?
Kevin: He got scented candles!
Michael: [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley.
Angela: Amen.
Phyllis: And this brings us to you, little one.
Michael: [on microphone] I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up.
Angela: It's fabric! I really wanted this.
Michael: [on microphone] That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
Angela: Andy, is this you?
Michael: [on microphone] No!
Phyllis: It's a secret.
Michael: [on microphone] Andy had Erin.
Andy: Nnnnya.
Michael: [on microphone] What? Was I not supposed to say it? [Jim unplugs mic] What? Turn it back on.
Jim: No. [Michael gets up and walks into his office]
David: Yes Michael, what is so urgent?
Michael: David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up.
Michael: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael...
Michael: I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.
David: Michael-
Michael: What?
David: This is a very very bad time.
Michael: Really? What's going on?
David: Stephanie, can you hop off please?
Stephanie: Sure David. [disconnect]
Michael: What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?
Erin: Do you want me off the call too Michael?
Michael: Hey! Get off! Get off the phone!
David: Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house.
Michael: What does that mean?
David: I'll be fired.
Michael: Well, can't Alan protect you?
David: Alan will be out too. All of us.
Michael: All of us?
David: Goodbye Michael.
Michael: Oh my God.
Michael: Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.
Michael: Hey. How's everybody doing?
Jim: Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half.
Michael: That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus.
Angela: Are you serious? This is so offensive.
Michael: You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some... jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room.
Dwight: What's your pin number?
Michael: I don't want to say. But, 'it's fun to stay at the -' [nods to fill in blank, but Dwight doesn't know]
Michael: It's fun to stay at the -'
Dwight: Where? Holiday Inn? I don't ...
Michael: [gestures the YMCA dance] Mmm, mm mm mm. [Dwight smirks, leaves]
Andy: I, I thought that you would like it.
Erin: It was a little much Andy.
Andy: Well it's the thought that counts.
Erin: What were you thinking? [Andy freezes]
Andy: I suppose a gentlemen might... throw in the towel, at this point. Guess what? Not gonna happen.
Michael: You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, 'How could they do this to us?'
Jim: What?
Pam: How could we do what? [general murmur]
Michael: It's not... Nevermind. Nothing. [arguing voices]
Stanley: We deserve to know.
Michael: I didn't say anything!
Angela: If you know something Michael...
Michael: We're going out of business!
Group: WHAT?
Jim: What?
Dwight: You are kidding me!
Jim: Wait wait wait, who said that?
Michael: David told me on the phone. David told me.
Dwight: When? When did he tell you? Today?
Michael: Earlier today.
Dwight: Awww!
Michael: He said, we have been sold. [upset murmurs]
Jim: What?
Dwight: Aaaarrhh! [kicks over Christmas tree]
Michael: Dwight! Jesus!
Angela: Come on!
Jim: Michael, wait. So they said we are sold?
Michael: David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone.
Jim: Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things.
Michael: It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith.
Meredith: No, I get it.
Michael: I'll call him. I'll call David.
Jim: No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone.
Michael: Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him.
Michael: He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.
David: Hey Sweetie, what is it?
Michael: It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott.
David: What the hell?
Michael: Stephanie could you hop off please?
David: Michael, I have never-
Michael: David!
David: Ever, ever...
Michael: David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse.
Dwight: Hey David.
Kelly: Hi David! [group hellos]
David: Hello everyone.
Michael: David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned.
David: You weren't supposed to tell anyone Michael.
Michael: Well I think we're past that now.
David: I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan, myself, a few other execs you don't know.
Jim: Oh my God, David. That's horrible.
Meredith: How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.
David: Look. They're buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations.
Michael: We're not fired?
David: No! No, and congratulations.
Michael: Yeah! [office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs] It's a Christmas miracle!
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: Woo hoo! [climbs on desk, stage dives into crowd of employees]
Dwight: [singing] I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone. [Meredith and Madge help right the Christmas tree]
Dwight: It's true. We all walk alone.
Kelly: [opens 'New Moon' poster] Jim... Jim! [Hugs him]
Dwight: [singing] My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating...
Toby: [opening kite from Ryan] Wow! Cause... [reveals Kite Runner book]
Ryan: Yeah! That was the idea.
Toby: Thank you!
Ryan: Awesome!
Toby: Thanks man! [awkwardly tries to hug Ryan, pats him on the back]
Kevin: [singing] Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging...
Michael: Oh! You got it? What is that? [Dwight building his gift]
Dwight: I have no idea.
Michael: Huh. Well, maybe those will help. [puts bag of walnuts on his desk]
Dwight: Michael? Please! Come on!
Matt: Nice to meet you Oscar.
Oscar: Nice to meet you Mark!
Matt: It's Matt.
Oscar: Right, Matt. [Matt leaves] I know what I'm doing, Pam.
Dwight: Oh man! [Dwight dropped a walnut into the nutcracker] I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails...
Michael: Hi Santa.
Phyllis: Hi Michael. [Michael sits on her lap] Mm. 'kay.
Michael: I'd like to make a wish.
Phyllis: What?
Michael: I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry.
Phyllis: An Xbox it is. Because I've decided you're a good boy.
Bob Vance: Scott! What in the hell is going on here? [Bob enters dressed as Santa too]
Phyllis: No Bob, we worked it out.
Michael: You called Bob?
Phyllis: I'm sorry,
Michael: Come on! Phyllis!
Phyllis: I'm really sorry. It was earlier today.
Michael: Okay.
Phyllis: Hi sweetie.
Bob: You okay baby?
Phyllis: I'm good baby. [they kiss, both dressed as Santa]
Michael: Oh God. Get a room Santas!
Michael: Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays.
Dwight: It's real slippery out here. [sound of drummer's starts]
Jim: Oh my God!
Pam: Twelve drummers drumming. [marching drum band lines up to perform, Andy steps out with cymbals]
Andy: Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys! [dances along to the drumming]


Michael: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.
Eric: Hi -
Computron: [Dwight using a robotic voice over the PA system] Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything.
Eric: Hello.
Michael: [entering on a Segway Scooter] I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?
Computron: Yes.
Michael: What is the world's largest ocean?
Computron: Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!
Michael: Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?
Andy: Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.
Michael: That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.
Pam: Hello.
Computron: The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.
Pam: Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao.
Pam: It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are.
Michael: Hello, Stanley.
Fake Stanley: Hi.
Pam: For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it.
Eric: Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here.
Michael: Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -
Eric: Right.
Michael: - since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?
Eric: Yeah.
Michael: They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.
Computron: Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.
Michael: No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.
Computron: Are you calling me wrong?
Michael: [sighs] Oh, my God.
Eric: It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker.
Michael: Alright. Excuse me. [slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there] If you will -
Ryan: Michael, do you think I could get a space heater -
Michael: - follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. [Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby]
Dwight: Oh, we will. Have a seat. [Michael gives a pleased look then exits]
Michael: I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.
Eric: So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character.
Dwight: He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?
Toby: What are, are you doing at my desk?
Dwight: Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.
Toby: Come on, Dwight. Get out of here.
Dwight: Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. [laughs] Welcome. [Dwight exits]
Toby: Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?
Eric: Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?
Toby: What do you mean?
Eric: Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits.
Toby: Um... nothing comes to mind. [clip montage]
Eric: So, the staff?
Toby: Mm-hmm.
Eric: Are people generally happy?
Toby: [laughing] Happy's a funny word.
Eric: In what way?
Toby: You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. [shakes head] Keep philosophers busy for awhile.
Eric: So... generally?
Toby: Yes.
Eric: Generally.
Toby: Generally happy. [clip montage]
Eric: [whispering] Generally happy.
Eric: What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that?
Toby: Oh, I don't know.
Eric: You, you don't know.
Toby: I don't know.
Eric: You're the head of Human Resources.
Toby: I don't know. No.
Eric: Ok. [clip montage]
Toby: I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.
Michael: Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?
Toby: Well, Eric's just going over some stuff.
Michael: Stuff. I love stuff.
Toby: It's, uh, it's HR stuff.
Michael: HR stuff? [pulls up a chair] HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. [pointing to Eric's notes] What is that? What kind of stuff is that?
Eric: It's uh, it's a company evaluation form.
Michael: Ah.
Eric: Talkin' bout, uh -
Michael: Talkin' bout, uh, what?
Eric: Waste is next.
Michael: Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?
Eric: No, waste of time and resources.
Michael: Oh, time and resources.
Toby: Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees -
Michael: No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. [clip montage]
Eric: Is anyone near retirement age? [Michael and Toby look at each other - Creed clip montage]
Eric: [on the phone] Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile.
Michael: This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. [to Toby] Right? Would you agree with that?
Toby: Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.
Michael: That's, that is true. [clip montage]
Dwight: [as Eric is being escorted out by Michael and Toby] Thank you, so much.
Kevin: Thank you.
Angela: Thank you.
Eric: Thank you. It's nice to meet you all.
Pam: Good to meet you.
Angela: Have a great day.
Dwight: Hope to see you soon.
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? [clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle]
Michael: I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.
Computron: Computron experiencing emotion.
Michael: Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?
Computron: Ok.
Michael: Just - sh -
Computron: [after a pause] Please don't. Computron -
Michael: Shut -
Computron: wants to live.
Michael: Shut up. Shut up.
Michael: [extended Lazy Scranton video] Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'.
Dwight: Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty.
Michael: So check out how we live
Both: in the Electric City!
Michael: They call it Scranton!
Dwight: What?
Michael: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight: What?
Michael: The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider.
Dwight: But check that it's covered by your
Both: Healthcare Provider!
Michael: Plenty of space in the parking lot.
Dwight: But the little cars go in the compact spot!
Both: Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot.
Michael: Snack attack time.
Dwight: Don't lose your head.
Michael: We like Cugino's
Both: for the tasty bread.
Michael: They call it Scranton!
Dwight: What?
Michael: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight: What?
Michael: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight: What?
Michael: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight: What?
Michael: The Electric City. Scranton!
Dwight: [pause] What?
Michael: Ugh.


Michael: Oh, yeah. [clapping and chanting] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Erin]
Erin: [clapping] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Oscar]
Oscar: I think you don't know what you're saying.
Michael: It's from 'Sob-ray', our new owner, and it is to Sabre, us. I wonder what's inside. Scissor me. [Erin tosses Michael open scissors, Pam is appalled]
Michael: Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre. [mispronounced 'sob-ray'] They stepped in at the 11th hour, and they saved our asses. Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could have saved our own asses. We didn't need them touching our asses.
Michael: Oh! [rips open cardboard box] Wow. Awesome. [distributing items] For accounting, a brand new printer. And for the sales staff, a new fax machine. This cord has Creed written all over it. And whoever would like a brand new scanner can come visit it in my office. Thank you.
Dwight: Here we go. [scans stuffed animal] Oh! Wow.
Michael: Cool. What next? [Dwight puts his face on scanner]
Erin: Guys, um, who's Gabe? This note says to put the box aside for Gabe Lewis, who's coming tomorrow?
Michael: Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control -
Dwight: Impulsivity and inattention to detail.
Michael: Hey, hey. I have opened a box, which should not have been opened...
Dwight: Terrible mistake.
Michael: And distributed things which should not have been distributed.
Dwight: Undistributable.
Pam: Well, maybe we can put the box back together.
Dwight: Impossible. He opened it like an ape.
Oscar: I think we can do it.
Pam: [Pam and Oscar are trying to repack cardboard box] Yep, yep.
Oscar: Right? Mm. Did we try printer first? Shredder at an angle -
Pam: Yep.
Oscar: Fax, cable, then the scanner upside down?
Pam: Yes.
Creed: Have you tried making everything smaller?
Michael: And - [Jim seals box with tape, rips covered with stickers] Wow. Really nice job. This group of people, when they put their minds together, they can do something great. And I think that you should all be proud of yourselves. [cell phone starts ringing from inside box]
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Alright, relax. We can do it. We just did it. So we can do this again. Erin, scissor me please. [Erin tosses open scissors across Jim and Pam]
Pam: No, don't!
Michael: [fumbles] Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok.
Michael: Alright, he's on his way up. Okay. Are we ready?
Pam: What do you want us to do?
Michael: Why do I have to explain everything?
Pam: Because we're usually not on the same page.
Michael: Okay. [starts round of applause]
Gabe: Oh. Okay. And to you. [begins applauding]
Michael: Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is. [holding up photo of him and Wallace] You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons.
Dwight: Welcome. Scranton hot dog from Scranton?
Michael: You know what, Dwight? Let's give him a minute to settle in, shall we? Ok?
Gabe: Um, hi, uh, my name is Gabe Lewis. I am coordinating director for merging regions.
Michael: Hello, Gabe. I am Michael Scott, co-manager. This is my protege, Jim Halpert.
Jim: Co-manager, actually.
Michael: In training.
Jim: Trained. Loving it. Good at it. So...
Gabe: We are very impressed with this branch and we are so excited about this merger.
Michael: We're very excited too, aren't we guys? Right?
Dwight: So excited.
Michael: We have a little song prepared for you.
Gabe: Um, actually, if you don't mind, I would love to put this on the Sabre website. [correctly pronounced 'say-ber']
Michael: Sabre. Say-ber. Sabre.
Dwight: Oh. Of course.
Michael: Yes, say-ber. Good. Take it away guys.
Andy: Ok. [playing guitar to the tune of Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA]
Andy & Erin: [singing] Hopped off the train in Scranton, PA, another cloudy gray afternoon. Jumped in the cab, here you are for the first time, look to the right see the 'Electric City' sign. This is gonna be good day, for Dunder Mifflin and Sob-ray. Sab - [guitar stops]
Michael: Saber.
Andy: Saber. [sings] Dunder Mifflin and Saber. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay.
Andy & Erin: Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sob-ray. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay. Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sabre. [music stops]
Andy: You sure it's saber?
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Thank you. Hey, we should be fine if we leave around 11:20.
Pam: Oh, you mapquested it. It's four blocks away.
Jim: Well, now we won't get lost. Or we could drive. And that takes one minute.
Pam: We found a great local daycare. It's rated really high by all the local parenting websites. But that means it's also really hard to get into.
Jim: Turns out, a lot of parents want the very best for their children. That's weird.
Pam: We're hoping our interview seals the deal.
Jim: But if not, there's always the army. The infantry.
Pam: Okay. Okay. Yeah.
Christian Slater: So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi. I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will.
Jo Bennett: You'll find it easy to embrace the Sabre spirit. Welcome. We're very excited to go on this journey with you.
Jim: [Christian Slater impression] So you've been shown a nonsensical video. You're probably wondering, 'What's going on?' Well, you're not alone.
Michael: Wow. Really terrific.
Gabe: Most of our business comes from selling printers. So don't think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore, but as printer salesmen who also sell paper.
Michael: Perfect.
Michael: No. Don't like that.
Gabe: At Sabre, we really encourage honest communication. You should always feel free to express your thoughts, your -
Meredith: Talk about vacation days!
Gabe: We have a policy here at Sabre where we are, uh, allowed to take two weeks.
Oscar: But I banked six weeks.
Angela: I already booked a Great Lakes cruise.
Meredith: Hey, who the hell's going through our stuff?
Gabe: Actually, that's Nick. He's your new IT guy. Uh, he's setting up a site blocker. Mostly blocking the inappropriate sites. And then there are the time-wasting sites like Twitter, YouTube. We are blocking those as well.
Michael: Mm, nope. Don't like that.
Gabe: Ok, did everyone get one? With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles, which are the scourge of the environment.
Michael: We'll still get to use the little cups, though, right?
Gabe: Little cups? Like paper or plastic or... ?
Michael: I don't know what they're made of.
Dwight: They're 2 ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day.
Gabe: Ok, well, I bet you can fit 20 little cups of water in your aluminum bottle.
Michael: You know what can't fit in a bottle, are the 20 little trips I take to the cooler, and the 20 little scans I do of everybody to make sure everything's running smoothly. And the 20 little conversations that I have with Stanley.
Stanley: That's ok.
Michael: There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck ba -
Michael: [in line to fill up water bottle behind Kevin and Toby] Really? You don't have enough water in there? Your stomach?
Toby: Oop.
Michael: What?
Toby: Looks like we kicked it. [indicates water jug is empty]
Michael: I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.
Michael: I don't want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabre's doing for us.
Gabe: Oh, I don't get that sense at all from you, so...
Michael: Well, you should have a little. But it's great that you don't, because I am trying to embrace all of these changes, but I'm - I'll be honest, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around a couple of 'em.
Gabe: Which ones?
Michael: All of them.
Gabe: Well, I wish that I could do something, but it's kind of policy, you know? Above my pay grade. You know?
Michael: So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. I'm good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups?
Gabe: You know what? Let me see what I can do.
Jim: [after entering daycare] Ok, this is officially the cutest thing I've ever seen. Cubbies. I totally forgot about cubbies.
Pam: There's a finger-painting station and a curly slide. Am I too old to go here?
Jim: Oh. Adorable, right? [opens kiddie bathroom, sees man on toilet] I walked in on someone in the bathroom.
Pam: What?
Jim: I just walked in on someone in the bathroom.
Pam: Who? The -
Jim: I don't know. I don't know.
Pam: The guy we're meeting with?
Jim: I don't know, I don't know.
Andy: I am telling you, there are no strawberries in here.
Erin: Well, I saw them in there.
Andy: Well maybe they ran away, because the pizza was like, [imitating Italian accent] 'Hey, get out of here, you stupid strawberries.'
Erin: I think when Andy finally asks me out he's going to try to top what he did with the drum line. I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
Andy: The ball's totally in Erin's court. After the whole drum line thing.
Gabe: [on videochat] First let me say that I told them everything you wanted me to say, in just the way you wanted me to say it, so...
Jo: Gabe, honey, I love this. I love the sound of your voice. But I really need some new information now.
Gabe: Ok, um, I told the story of your uncle, and I have a feeling that you would have [Michael gesturing behind computer] really been proud of the way... Okay, um...
Jo: Wait a minute, who is it? Who's there? Is there somebody in the room with you? [Michael gesturing 'no'] I want to see who it is. Turn me around.
Gabe: I don't - it's just...
Jo: Turn me around. Now. [Michael starts to leave, Jo whistles] Hey, Buddy. Is it something I said?
Michael: Hello. No. My name's Michael Scott. Hello.
Jo: Oh, hello, Mr. Scott. Pleased to meet you.
Michael: Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent.
Jo: Aw, thank you. I've been working on it since I was a little girl. To, um, to what do I owe the pleasure of this videochat?
Michael: Well, I am little concerned with all of these changes, to be quite frank. I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin for quite some time, and -
Jo: Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott, but the last time I saw a company as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin, it was my grandson's snowball company, so you'll excuse me if I prefer that you all adapt to the way that we do things.
Michael: Ok. I feel very strongly that you can't just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because... he knows. He'd know what to do.
Jo: So listen, why don't you tell Gabe if by the end of the day you can't handle the changes.
Michael: I have already told him, but I will tell him again if you think that will help.
Jo: I would take until the end of the day if I were you. [Michael leaves conference room]
Jerry: Pam and Jim? Hey, I'm Jerry.
Pam: Hi Jerry.
Jim: Jerry.
Jerry: Good to see you. Come on in. My office is right back here. This is the play room.
Jim: This is great. Got to confess, we came a little early, so we got a quick look around, but, uh -
Jerry: Oh, so you saw it already?
Jim: No, no, no, no. Yes. We saw this, yes. No, it wasn't like a look around. We really just had a peek. Quick peek. Didn't focus on anything in particular.
Pam: It's lovely.
Jerry: [cell phone rings] Oh. Got to take this. Sorry.
Jim: Do it.
Jerry: Okay. Hi, this is Jerry.
Pam: Ok, you've got to pull it together.
Jim: We should just go. He's really uncomfortable.
Pam: He's uncomfortable because you're acting weird. So you have to stop acting weird.
Jim: What if we just bring it up? We just put it out in the open?
Pam: That's the weirdest possible solution to the problem.
Jerry: Sorry about that. Right this way.
Jim: All right.
Michael: I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre. [rings doorbell] He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by announced. But then again, who is? [loud drumming as door opens] Hey. Hi, sorry.
David: Michael.
Michael: I hope you're not busy doing something.
David: No, you kidding? Come on in. Come on.
Michael: You sure?
David: You look great.
Michael: You look great too.
David: You hungry? I'm just having lunch.
Michael: Oh, yeah, that sounds good.
David: Fantastic. Teddy, look who just stopped in.
Teddy Wallace: Huh? Hey. [continues drumming]
Michael: Hey. Wow.
David: Keep it up, son.
Michael: Really loud.
Michael: Wow. Oh, yummy. [David spreads marshmallow fluff on bread] You have got the life, my friend.
David: Yeah.
Michael: Can I just stay here and never go back?
David: Things not going so well there?
Michael: Oh, man. How much time do you have?
David: I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday.
Michael: Yeah.
Mrs. Wallace: Hey, honey. How's your day going? Did you do anything cool?
David: Uh, no, sweetie. I just sort of hung out.
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, 'cause I saw you had shoes on, so I didn't know if you did anything.
David: No. Just hanging out, honey. You remember Michael.
Michael: Hi. Sorry, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd come by, see...
Mrs. Wallace: No problem at all. This is great. So what are you guys up to?
Michael: I don't know.
David: Uh, but maybe, uh - actually, you know, I think maybe we'll go outside. May -maybe we'll go outside. [drumming intensifies] Outside.
Jim: There was one thing we were curious about, uh, your flexibility on things like Easter or Memorial Day, because we might want to change our days around a little bit.
Jerry: That seems a bit premature, don't you think? I don't even know if I have a space for you yet, and you're already lining up your holiday plans.
Jim: Oh, no, sorry. Just, um, we're kind of planners. But we're also flexible too, so you know what? Maybe we can just discuss it when the time comes.
Jerry: Yeah, if the time comes, we can discuss it.
Pam: Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom?
Jim: What?
Jerry: Seriously? You told her?
Jim: Did it? It might have come up while we were waiting for you.
Jerry: And you - you thought that might have something to do with how the meeting is going?
Jim: No.
Pam: Maybe, because it doesn't seem to be going super well.
Jerry: Well, you didn't consider the fact that it might not be going super well just because it might not be going super well?
Pam: Nope. 'Cause we're really nice people but you don't seem to like us.
Jerry: I'm being perfectly pleasant. Did you ever consider that you might not be as charming as you think you are?
Jim: Oh, this coming from the guy who still uses a children's toilet? Why didn't you just lock the door, man?
Jerry: It doesn't lock for the children's safety.
Jim: Anybody could have walked in.
Jerry: It was story time.
Michael: Sabre is changing everything. [Michael and David sitting in hot tub] Site blockers. They don't let us use cups. So I started thinking, who could handle this? Who would know what to do? David Wallace would know what to do. What should I do, David Wallace?
David: I don't know. I mean, what can you do?
Michael: Exactly. What are you thinking?
David: I, I - It's a tough one.
Michael: It is a tough one.
David: I don't have any ideas for you there.
Michael: Yeah. But one would be good.
David: Hey, oh, okay. Wait.
Michael: Okay.
David: I want to tell you about a business idea I have.
Michael: Okay.
David: Ok? You know how kids leave their toys everywhere? Okay. So this is a vacuum. It's like a shop-vac type of thing. [imitates vacuum] Teaches kids how to pick up their own toys. Right? Baseball gloves, hacky sacks, drumsticks. [sucking noise] Picks it up!
Michael: So the kid's making the noise to pick it up.
David: No. No, no, no. That's the -that's the vacuum noise.
Michael: Oh, okay.
David: You-you don't like it.
Michael: No, I think it is-
David: No, it's ok. Another guy from Dunder Mifflin, Arnie from Research, he's gonna draw up the prototype. And, uh... It's like shop-vac. [sucking noise] Did I say that?
Michael: Yep.
David: It'll be ok.
Andy: Hey, any fun weekend plans?
Erin: No, you?
Andy: Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?
Erin: Nothing. It's wide open.
Andy: Okay.
Andy: That's as hard as I can hint.
David: Hey, you know, if you want, I'm sure I can get Arnie on board if you wanted to join us for suck it. Work together again.
Michael: The what?
David: Suck it. That's what it's called.
Michael: Oh, okay.
David: Huh? Catchy. Kids'll love it.
Michael: Like it.
Michael: There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of 'em.
Michael: See you later. [hugs Wallace]
David: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Bye now.
David: Thank you for coming.
Michael: Thanks for having me.
Michael: Well, that's not the David Wallace that I remember. [reverses out of driveway, Wallace follows him] That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace's house. Oh, my god. Alright. Just get me out of here.
Michael: Hello. [comes in carrying 4 gallons of orange juice and his water bottle] Is anybody home? Oh, thank you, Erin. Now if everyone would please ready their canteens, so I can fill them with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe's homeland, and then propose a toast. Here we go.
Michael: You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. That's the best thing? Really? Ugh.
Michael: Well, I'm not really one for making speeches.
Everyone: Yes. Yes, you are. You make a lot.
Michael: But I feel pretty good right now. I really do. A lot better than I did earlier. Let me tell you.
Angela: That's your toast?
Michael: No. This is my toast. I think this whole thing with Sabre is going to work out. I have a very good feeling about it.
Phyllis: Michael, this isn't a toast. You're just thinking out loud.
Michael: Here's my toast. Orange juice is in here. And, like Saber, it is from Florida, and it is good.
Kevin: Just 'cause you have liquid that doesn't make it a toast.
Michael: Here's the toast. I'm gonna do it now. Raise your container to us and to Sabre.
All: To us and to Sabre.
Michael: Mm. Wow. That is metallicy. Ugh. That's like drinking a battery. Ah, really gets you in the fillings, doesn't it? Okay, anyway, welcome.
David: [singing] Well, it's a mess, what a mess. What you gonna do? You're going to take out your Suck It and you suck it. Suck it. Yeah, take out your Suck It and you suck it.
Teddy: Suck it!
David: Yeah!
Teddy: Suck it!
David: Yeah!
Teddy: Suck it!
David: Yeah! Take out the Suck It and we'll...
Teddy: Suck it!
David: Yeah!
Teddy: Suck it!
David: Yeah!
Both: Take out my Suck It and we'll suck it.
David: Yeah! Teddy!
Teddy: Yeah. [high-five each other]


Hotel Employee: [on phone] Vancouver Court Hotel, how many I help you?
Michael: Hello Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America! I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics.
Hotel Employee: Well, we are looking forward to having you, so, let me just pull up your information here...
Michael: Okey doke.
Hotel Employee: Um, I don't seem to have it, sir.
Michael: What?
Dwight: [looking through Michael's email] I'm not seeing anything under 'confirmation.'
Michael: No.
Dwight: Could it be under 'affirmation?' Cause you have thousands of those.
Michael: No. [to hotel employee on phone] We're trying to look it up right now.
Dwight: You [i]did[/i] get the e-vite to my barbeque!
Michael: Um, come on.
Dwight: Michael...
Hotel Employee: Uh, sir? A lot of people are trying to get last-minute reservations at hotels here for the Olympics, but we've been fully booked for months.
Michael: Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation.
Dwight: Wait, I got it! Confirmation code: XV2RDM!
Hotel Employee: ...Oh, here it is. Yep.
Michael: Oh.
Dwight: Thank you.
Hotel Employee: Uh-huh. Seven nights in our street-view economy single?
Michael: That's it!
Hotel Employee: Yeah, we changed it since it was a while back. I do apologize.
Michael and Dwight: Uh-huh, okay...
Hotel Employee: Yeah, how may I help you Mr. Scott?
Michael: Alright, I would like to cancel my reservation, please.
Hotel Employee: There is a cancellation fee for this, sir.
Michael: Okay, put it on my card.
Michael: Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?
Michael: [Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs, everyone stands to welcome her except Dwight] Why hello!
Gabe: This is Michael Scott, co-regional manager of this branch.
Michael: Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett.
Jo: Oh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the 'Mrs.' just to piss off the new wife. Well, let's take a gander around this place.
Andy: [Jo's dogs are sniffing at his crotch] These sure are pretty dogs...
Jo: They love a good crotch.
Andy: They sure do.
Jo: You should take that as a compliment!
Andy: Oh, I do!
Jo: [to Dwight] Hello.
Dwight: Hello.
Jo: Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?
Dwight: I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President. Or Judge Judy.
Jo: I like that.
Gabe: This is Accounting.
Kevin: Hi!
Jo: Good-looking group.
Gabe: Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton.
Jo: Another couple of heartbreakers. Who is this tall drink of sun tea?
Gabe: That is Jim Halpert, he is the co-regional manager of this office.
Jo: [gesturing to Michael] I thought this guy was the manager?
Gabe: Oh, he is. He's the co-manager, and that's the other co-manager.
Jo: Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that!
Andy: Got some Valentine's cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers.
Angela: [as Andy is passing her a card] No, no!
Kevin: What, no candy?
Andy: Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Erin and I have been on zero dates. So I got her a Valentine's Day card, but I didn't wanna seem 'too eager,' so I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit.
Andy: [throwing a card at Meredith, which skims her throat]: Look alive.
Meredith: Ow! Geez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat!
Meredith: Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.
Michael: Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job.
Jim: Whoa, whoa.
Michael: Whoa, whoa!
Jim: I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here: Michael handles more of the 'big-picture' stuff, and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff, so together...
Jo: Yeah. I think I understand.
Jim: Alright.
Jo: Each of you is doing half a job.
Jim: No.
Michael: And sometimes I can hardly handle that!
Jo: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know. You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?
Jim: I don't think so.
Jo: Michael?
Michael: Forget the question...
Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim: I... Why would you just say something like that?
Michael: Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
Jim: Do you even know what that means?
Michael: Yes.
Jo: Well, I'm gonna let this marinate. So you can go.
Jim: Um...
Jo: You can go on. Shoo!
Jo: I'm Jolene Bennett, Jo for short. I'm a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys. When I was a little girl, I was terrified to fly, and now I have my own pilot's license. I am CEO of Sabre International, and I sell the best damn printers and all-in-one machines Korea can make. Pleased to meet you.
Andy: [almost running into Erin] Whoa-oh, traffic jam!
Erin: Uh-oh, traffic jam on route three!
Andy: [imitating car noises] Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!
Erin: Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up!
Andy: There's blood everywhere! Um, I got you a Valentine's card.
Erin: [opening card] Oh, you did? Aw, a bird and a dog!
Andy: Yeah, well it's Snoopy and Woodstock.
Erin: You named them?
Andy: Uh, Charles Schultz did. I thought it was relevant cause I got you all those birds for Christmas, remember?
Erin: Uh, yeah I do remember. [reading card] Aw, they love each other.
Andy: Oh, look at that. They sure do. I hadn't noticed.
Erin: Wow, it smells really good too.
Andy: Yeah! It's Roger Federer for men, I sprayed some in there.
Erin: Andy, whoa! Thank you very much!
Andy: It's got pheromones in it.
Jo: Hey!
Kevin: Hi.
Jo: [to Angela, who's having a hard time deciding on a chair] Just choosing seats, not getting married. Chop, chop little onion!
Kevin: Jo, there's books in my chair.
Jo: That's right, darlin', now you're the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company I've never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars?
Michael: No, we know. Texas!
Jo: Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm's reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we're gonna take that arm, and we're gonna start selling printers.
Michael: I could manage my way around that.
Jo: They're the easiest-to-use printers on the market.
Michael: I will try to manage my excitement!
Michael: I have been saying the word 'manager' a lot, so whenever Jo thinks 'manager' she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa.
Jo: I think that's it. So we're all good! [many employees raise their hands] Thanks ya'll.
Dwight: [Jo leaves] I, uh...
Kelly: [reading her Valentine's card from Andy] Oh my God.
Kelly: I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But, I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual.
Pam: So, check this out. According to the handbook, you could make more money as a salesman than as a manager. They have all these incentive programs. I ran your numbers from last year.
Jim: This is way more than I make now.
Jim: I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women.
Jim: Hey, you got a second?
Michael: Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?
Jim: Actually, yeah.
Michael: What?
Jim: Exactly that. I think that you absolutely deserve the manager position more than I do.
Michael: What? Really?
Jim: Yeah!
Michael: Wow!
Michael: La la la, hello Oscar!
Oscar: Michael. Reading.
Michael: What are you reading?
Oscar: The Atlantic.
Michael: Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again.
Oscar: I should step into sales myself.
Michael: Why, is there an untapped gay market?
Oscar: Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales.
Michael: ...Where did you get that information.
Oscar: Manual.
Michael: Manuel who?
Michael: Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.
Michael: Son of a bitch. [enters conference room] Pardon me.
Jo: Oh, speak of the devil. We were just talking about you. Have a seat!
Michael: Okay.
Jo: Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager.
Michael: Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales.
Jo: Really?
Jim: Really.
Michael: Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman.
Jo: Well, I think you're both being a little too modest.
Jim: No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons.
Michael: No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people.
Jim: Why would you do that?
Michael: I'm turning myself in right now!
Jo: You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I'm gonna defer to your judgment.
Michael: Thank you.
Jo: I think you [to Michael] will become the salesman, and congratulations! [to Jim] You're gonna be the new manager of this branch!
Michael: Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.
Pam: [pointing to the window in Michael's office] Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown!
Jim: Mm!
Dwight: [on phone] Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. [hangs up phone] 89... 88...
Dwight: You're twenty minutes late!
Ryan: [walking up] Um, I was at another dumpster!
Dwight: Just admit you lost track of time.
Dwight: Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.
Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.
Ryan: No, uh, the movie. Did you see the movie Saw?
Dwight: Oh, yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a seesaw.
Ryan: Okay, the reason these movies are so popular, is the element of psychological torment.
Dwight: I like where you're going with this. Continue.
Ryan: Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something?
Dwight: I have an old barn!
Ryan: Yes!
Dwight: It's kinda smelly, but that might be a plus! And then what?
Ryan: We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean, we don't kill him, obviously. I have a mask...
Dwight: Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie!? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life!
Ryan: Well suggest something else then! Don't just...
Dwight: He's supposed to cut his leg off? Think!
Ryan: Don't just criticize my idea!
Dwight: Think!
Ryan: You think of something then!
Erin: Michael, I'm worried that, uh, not all your toys are gonna fit on your new desk.
Michael: How is that possible?
Erin: Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space.
Michael: No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen.
Erin: You know, I actually think I should get back to work. Jim asked me to do some stuff, and he's manager.
Michael: Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? [Michael's phone rings] Michael Scott, head of sales.
Jim: [on phone] You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.
Dwight: The new IT guy. Nick.
Ryan: Nick.
Dwight: I think he is the key. He's very trusting, he's looking for friends, he has been given an awesome amount of power, and does not know how to wield it.
Ryan: Like Frodo!
Dwight: Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay dumb jock?
Ryan: Well, I think he can be corrupted. Like Gollum.
Dwight: Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.
Dwight: I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.
Erin: Who's hungry?
Jim: What is that?
Erin: It's ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say 'Who's hungry?'
Jim: Oh. I'm fine. Thank you, though.
Erin: Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy?
Jim: Why would I wanna do that?
Erin: It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.
Jim: For now, I'm just gonna go back to work here...
Erin: Oh sure.
Jim: Yeah. Thank you.
Erin: Well.
Michael: [on phone] It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks, bye. [hangs up phone, blows train whistle] I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called 'Curves.' I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it!
Kevin: Nice!
Dwight: You know, we really don't announce out loud our sales that much.
Michael: Why not? It's part of the sales experience.
Dwight: It's not really 1992 anymore.
Michael: Well, okay...
Kelly: [reading Andy's card] You brighten my day with the sound of your voice, you bring so much laughter and love, you're everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me.
Erin: Geez louise.
Kelly: I know, obsessed with me much?
Erin: Well, everyone got one.
Kelly: What did yours say?
Erin: Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.
Erin: It's no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I can't compete with her. That girl can sing, and dance, and gets all of her clothes at the mall. And I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl, cause Andy Bernard is a playboy. And, why shouldn't he be? He's got it all.
Dwight: Ho-ho. There he is, the IT guy. So you discovered the break room.
Nick: Uh, yep.
Dwight: I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords.
Nick: No, I actually don't.
Dwight: Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him.
Nick: I think that you should call the cops.
Dwight: No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer.
Nick: I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry, I just can't give out his password like that.
Ryan: Nick. We could make things very, very difficult for you.
Nick: Are you... you threatening me?
Ryan: Threatening you? No. [tries to crush an aluminum can, Dwight crushes an apple]
Michael: What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?
Pam: Michael, stop.
Michael: No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs?
Pam: Michael...
Michael: You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps.
Dwight: Michael, it's Phyllis.
Michael: No, this is geological.
Phyllis: I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on.
Michael: Are you kidding me?
Phyllis: No.
Michael: And you guys are okay with this?
Dwight: She sent an email, so.
Phyllis: I did.
Andy: [has two tissues in his nostrils] It's not cause of the smell. I'm just expecting a nosebleed.
Michael: Oh my God.
Kelly: Oh! You scared me!
Andy: I'm sorry, I thought you saw me.
Kelly: I didn't see you. And you were there all along. [takes papers out of copy machine] Well, I warmed it up for you so, should be good to go.
Andy: Cool, thanks.
Kelly: Bye, Andy. [kisses his cheek]
Andy: ...That was weird.
Meredith: No it ain't. We all saw the Valentine you gave her.
Andy: I don't even know what that card said.
Meredith: Believe me, if I got that card? We'd be in the bathroom doin' it right... now.
Michael: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here.
Jim: Well, the grass is always greener.
Michael: Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.
Jim: Well, it's what you wanted.
Michael: I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.
Jim: For the record, I fought this. Alright? And now, I'm not really sure what we do.
Michael: We make a poster that says 'Happy Opposite Day!' and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black.
Jim: Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot and they could've just gone and talked to her.
Michael: Lethal Weapon?
Jim: That's it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way.
Jo: You two are grown-ass men. What do I have to do, fire you and get two people in here who don't need so much management?
Michael: What? What I'm saying...
Jim: Michael's saying he's better at being manager, and I agree, cause he's a better people person, weirdly.
Michael: And weirdly I'm a good dog person, right guys? [dogs go to him] See? They love me.
Jo: Fine. I don't care which one of you does which job, just stop meeting with me to talk about it.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: Alright!
Jo: [cell phone rings] Oh, I gotta take this. Yep. Uh, finish walking my dogs for me. And don't ride 'em. Lotta people try to ride 'em.
Andy: [Erin leaves room] Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails, I just sent you the following message: 'Coworkers, you may have received a Valentine from me. Please understand this does not mean that I like you in any way.'
Phyllis: You don't even like us as friends?
Andy: Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like-like you.
Oscar: What are we, five?
Andy: Please don't read into this card. Yours in professionalism, Nard dog.'
Kelly: [entering with Erin] Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?
Andy: It's n- that wasn't... I like someone else.
Kelly: Who?
Andy: It's not... Whether or not, you...
Kelly: Who, what?
Erin: Yeah, I guess Andy never liked Kelly. How about that?
Michael: Oh, it smells good in here.
Erin: Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator.
Michael: Erin, what about my keyboard? [Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat] Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?
Erin: Oh! [hits another key, they awkwardly dance together]
Pam: [gesturing to Michael dancing in his office] He looks happy.
Jim: Yep.
Dwight: Well, well, well. Hm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rosston. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he [Jim dunks Dwight's tie in his coffee cup, Pam smiles] what? Michael!
Dwight: [entering elevator with Ryan] I can't help but think that something we did made this possible.
Ryan: Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.
Dwight: Oh temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink?
Ryan: I would love to. [elevator doors close, then reopen in the lobby] Why not?
Dwight: Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you.
Ryan: Well, I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know.
Dwight: It is not 'farm boy swill,' I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious.
Ryan: I am not interested in anything I have to make myself!