Michael: I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours, two hours to go. Feeling good. Listen to some tunes. Should've peed before I left.
Kelly: Michael get to the good part.
Michael: Okay, so. I get up to the building, I get to the revolving door... broken! So I have to take the normal door.
Oscar: At least he is in the building.
Michael: No, No! I was so nervous it was the wrong building! I walked into the wrong building!
Everyone: [groans]
Pam: He finally has a story everyone wants to hear... and he knows it.
Pam: Okay focus. Focus. You're in the right building, you're with the right people; what happened?
Michael: I looked at Wallace and I said 'I quit!' and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said 'You have no idea how high I can fly.'
Stanley: Did you tell him how sick of him you were?
Michael: Why would I do that?
Angela: Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he was incompetent?
Kevin: That he's wasted 15 years of your life?
Meredith: Did you spit in his face?
Michael: You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.
Oscar: I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I will have one of own someday. [laughs] But I dream... so...
Jim: [Michael has a 'sticky-hand' toy and snags a paper off Jim's desk and then laughs] About a week ago, Michael gave his 2-week notice. And, surprisingly there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying.
Kevin: Michael is that scotch?
Michael: Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. [in Oscar's ear] Clinky, clinky-clink. Come-on... come on, come on.
Michael: [slightly drunk] What am I gonna do? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I gonna stay up all day. Gonna sleep it up all night. I'm gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO! And I'm going to stop worrying about calories.
Stanley: Maybe you should go into your office, close the door, and make some calls about jobs?
Michael: I have a job.
Andy: For four more days.
Pam: Do you have any leads on a job?
Michael: Pam, what you don't understand is that at my level you just don't look in the want-ads for a job. You are head-hunted.
Jim: You called any headhunters?
Michael: Any good headhunter knows I am available.
Dwight: Any really good headhunter would storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife,
Jim: Right, cause that's what we are talking about.
Charles: Uh, I need you to go over this client list and indicate any wrong or false data.
Michael: You're 'I need you to' is my command.
Charles: Okay.
Andy: Hey Michael...
Michael: Hey.
Andy: Can I talk to you a minute?
Michael: You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world. [eats some spaghetti] Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!
Andy: I just wanted to tell you that... Oh What? [takes a present out from behind his back] What's that?
Michael: Oh! Hey. What is this about?
Andy: Um, you know, cause your leaving and so, it's a farewell...
Michael: Oh.
Andy: I hope I get to work with you someday again.
Michael: Me too, me too. Is this wine?
Andy: Ah... busted. Yes
Michael: I already have wine.
Andy: Oh.
Isaac: [interviewee enters office] Hello.
Pam: Hi.
Isaac: Isaac Silby here for the interview
Pam: Uh, yes. Please have a seat. It'll be a few minutes.
Isaac: Thank you. [to Michael] You interviewing too?
Michael: Hmm?
Isaac: Interviewing?
Michael: For?
Isaac: Regional manager.
Michael: Yes I am.
Charles: For regional manager I've decided to go with an outside hire. For obvious reasons.
Michael: Where you from?
Isaac: Philly.
Michael: That's a drive!
Isaac: Yeah, well this is one of the few places that's hiring. It's uh, its brutal out there.
Michael: [sighs]
Kevin: Pam?
Pam: Hmm?
Kevin: When will the new copier be ready?
Pam: I'm working on it Kev.
Kevin: You said it would be ready by today. And it is today.
Pam: It'll be ready soon.
Kevin: Soon could mean anything. Soon could be 3 weeks.
Pam: Is that what 'soon' means to you?
Kevin: Sometimes.
Pam: Then come back soon.
Pam: During the course of business, a copier goes though something called 'Normal wear and tear.'
Creed: [feeding coins into a vent] I think it's 75 cents.
Oscar: That's a lot.
Angela: [Bandit is chewing on wires] Bandit, No! No no no!
Kevin: [dumps coffee all over the copier glass] Oh!
Pam: Yesterday, they delivered the new one. But they didn't set it up. So my day just got a little more interesting. [holds up a huge manual]
Jim: [overhears loud monster noises] Its Monster dot com. Singular.
Michael: Thank you. [groaning ceases]
Michael: You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players. [dials phone]
Phone: Hi, you've reached Prince Paper. We are sad to inform you that after 40 years of serving the community we are no longer in business. Thank you for your support. May God bless you. [girl's voice] Bye!
Michael: [sighs] What am I gong to do? Uh... [chuckles].
Michael: PSST! PSST!
Jim: Yeah... .you want me to come in your office? Oh.
Michael: Okay, oh okay, okay. Close your eyes.
Jim: I would prefer not to.
Michael: Just close your eyes. I'm going to start my own paper company.
Jim: You're starting your own paper company?
Michael: yeah!
Jim: Why?
Michael: Can you believe... cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Jim: Do you know the industry is in decline?
Michael: Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline.
Jim: Right.
Michael: Right, I know paper, I know how to manage. I have a name, close your eyes.
Jim: No, I did that before, it added nothing.
Michael: Close them.
Jim: Okay. [keeps eyes open]
Michael: Alright, Michael Scott Paper Company. You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?
Jim: I am not gonna do this.
Michael: Obviously.
Jim: And you are not going to, either.
Michael: Oh, agreed, mmm, except...
Jim: Here's the thing. What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company that A, exists, and B, has a salary. Because they're set up to do that kind of thing.
Michael: Hey hey... what's up Chuck?
Charles: Jim.
Jim: Hey.
Charles: what are you doing?
Jim: Nothing, just talking.
Charles: Okay, Michael handed in his 2-week notice, did you also hand in your 2-week?
Jim: I didn't... no.
Charles: Okay. After you.
Michael: No I'm staying.
Charles: Okay.
Dwight: [examining the copier manual] Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?
Pam: No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.
Dwight: Typical American ignorance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. World War II.
Pam: That's a really... well fine, Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?
Dwight: Deutsch... let me see here. That is either an incense dispenser, or a ceremonial sarcophagus.
Pam: Hmm...
Dwight: My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.
Michael: Pam, listen. This order form. Instead of saying 'Dunder Mifflin' at the top is there any way I could get it to say something else?
Pam: Like Michael Scott Paper Company?
Michael: You... oh. Somebody has been talking in bed. Pillow talk.
Pam: Hmm... yeah. Listen Michael. Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk.
Michael: This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now.
Pam: Yeah... you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know.
Michael: Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all these clients. Half of them, at least. I can do it again. I know the market, I know the price points. I'm on it, don't worry. So, how do I do that?
Pam: Well, um, you can scan it, and then you can upload the image, and then you can copy the new image.
Michael: Can't I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?
Pam: Yeah. Good.
Michael: Thank you very much.
Pam: Mmm-hmm
Kelly: So that is why I have to leave at 5: 00 on Tuesday, it's to pick up my little sisters from school. We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians..
Charles: You know, you can run this stuff by Toby.
Kelly: Yeah I don't like talking... [knock on door]
Charles: Come in...
Angela: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were with anyone. I just wanted to bring you the brochure on that accounting seminar that I was telling you about. Earlier.
Kelly: Yep, we were in the middle of something so why don't you just...
Angela: Okay, um, actually you know it was so much fun last year. There was a Sunday-bar. I mean I didn't have any, you know, to stay trim.
Charles: Did Michael just let anybody in his office?
Angela and Kelly: Yep! Yeah. He just loved having people, communicating all the time. He was like 'Come on in!'
Charles: I am aware of the effect I have on woman.
Kelly: So you should be heading back to your desk.
Angela: Okay. Bye Charles. Well you'll let me know. Good bye.
Kelly: She's such a special person. And she's turning 50 this year.
Michael: I'm starting my own paper company.
Andy: No way!?
Michael: Yeah.
Andy: In this climate?
Michael: Yeah. In all climates. It's going to be worldwide. And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me. That's where you come in.
Andy: Ehh... [in accent] well it's a very intriguing concept, isn't it? Um... hmmm..[makes weird noises to stall, Dwight enters] Michael is starting his own paper company. What do you think about that?
Dwight: Your own paper company.
Michael: Can you believe it? Well, we'll see, we'll see. It's just a, just a nugget of an idea right now so
Dwight: Right...
Michael: Potential, lots of potential. yes.
Dwight: What a courageous venture.
Michael: It's... it's very courageous, very exciting. Um...
Dwight: Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities...
Michael: That's what I was thinking, with the farm, so... You getting to wherever I'm gonna put my thing.
Dwight: Okay. So yeah.
Michael: So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now.
Dwight: You know, I would love to put a pin in that.
Pam: Everyone, can I have your attention. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. Right? [drum roll on copier]
Meredith: Little Ms. Thing wants attention.
Pam: Meredith... [copier has an error] Oh... so uh... G-44. It's not ready Kevin!
Pam: I'm at a crucial point where I have sunk 4 hours into that copier, and I am not going to let it beat me like that wireless router did.
Oscar: [bites his sandwich and notices there is a note in it]
Oscar: You put a note in my food?
Michael: I made it sterile.
Oscar: Just to say 'sterile' doesn't make it so.
Michael: I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me.
Oscar: Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research, financials?
Michael: No, no no.
Oscar: You need those things. Most new businesses, they don't make a profit till at least two years. And then your margins will be razor thin. Best case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least 5 years. Can you go 5 years without a salary, Michael?
Michael: Okay.
Oscar: Five years?
Michael: Okay, hey, you already have the job. You don't have to convince me.
Oscar: It's just not prudent Michael.
Michael: [from inside the restroom] Stanley?
Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael: Listen, Listen, Stanley. You don't have to answer me now.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Just... I want you to think about it, I'm starting my own company.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Oh-okay, you're not letting me finish, and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley: No I didn't.
Michael: You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said 'Yes' to that either.
Pam: How's it working?
Phyllis: Um, let's see... it's fine.
Pam: Good.
Pam: I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons, even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book, in plastic with offset colors. Which feels...
Charles: Hey Hank, You ready?
Hank: Yeah.
Charles: Okay, Michael?
Michael: Hmm?
Charles: I can't pretend I haven't seen that. So I am going e to ask you to stand up, walk out. And you can't take anything.
Michael: Okay, I have immunity. It's my two-weeks...
Charles: not if you're starting your own paper company, Michael. Hank...
Hank: Okay Michael.
Michael: Hank? You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank, please escort Charles from the building.
Hank: Come on man, let's, let's go.
Kevin: I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy. And he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there.
Michael: [to everyone] Well here we are... I would just like to...
Charles: No, no no no. You're done, Michael.
Michael: [yelling from Parking lot] Alright then everybody, I'm outta here!
Andy: [from behind the upstairs window] What is he doing? It looks like he's saying something.
Kevin: I think he's singing.
Oscar: I can't believe this is really happening.
Michael: ... and I feel free!
Oscar: And just like that. As mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone. [Michael sneaks back in the parking lot, and into a back door of the building]
Andy: The whole office feels darker, you know? It's just a sad dark day.
Phyllis: Andy He's gone.
Andy: I know.
Phyllis: You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.
Toby: Michael is like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch. And when it's over you're like... how much time is left on this flight? Now what?
Pam: [Michael is Army crawling around the office] Michael?
Michael: Shh shh shh... don't look down, look straight up. Come on please!
Angela: These are for employees only.
Michael: Angela Kevin, you have to help me out I just need a few things then I will be gone.
Kevin: Michael, why is it that you asked everyone except me, Angela, Creed, and Meredith?
Michael: I was going to, I wanted to. But I had to start somewhere.
Kevin: But you didn't want to start with us?
Michael: No, of course not. But now I want everybody. Jim! Jim? Buddy, Hey! Buddy, Jimbo? Did you have time to think about my offer?
Jim: I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else.
Michael: So which way are you leaning?
Jim: Well it is tempting but I am 100% leaning towards something else.
Michael: Thanks Jim.
Charles: Hey, did anyone see the client list that Michael was supposed to be working on.
Dwight: No.
Charles: Okay, let me know if you find it.
Michael: Okay, Okay, we don't have much time. Just act normal. Don't look at me people. Stop. Don't look down. Don't look down. He's going to see me. Don't look all the way up. Keep it at a normal height. Okay. This is not Michael Scott talking right now, this is your future. Hello, I am your future. You're older, and you are very happy now. Because you went with Michael Scott. Right. So everybody come on down. Lets just crawl out of here together. Alright? Come on! Are you, are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? [Pam is thinking hard] Alright. Everybody who's going to go with me I want you to stomp your foot. Okay, alright. Come on. You're coming with me. Come on Phyllis. Here we go, here we go!
Charles: Michael get up!
Michael: Oh God... okay alright. It's time to go it's time to go. Jim, let's go. Come on!
Charles: Michael, what are you doing?
Michael: I think maybe Hank should be here.
Charles: Hank? No, I don't need Hank Michael.
Michael: You're going to mess with me, is that what you're going to do? I'll tell you something Charles, I don't even care. Cause I've got nothing got lose. [Charles steps towards Michael] Oh my God, OH GOD! No no, all right. Fine, it's not even worth it.
Pam: Oh no.
Jim: What?
Pam: I'm going with him.
Jim: What? Pam!
Pam: I'm going.
Jim: Pam! You can't be serious.
Pam: Michael, wait! I'm coming with you.
Michael: You are?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Okay. It's going to be great.
Pam: Great. Uh, except, I don't want to be a receptionist anymore.
Michael: Right... Executive assistant.
Pam: Salesman.
Michael: Alright, okay. Deal! Okay, well... Jim?
Jim: Still no.
Michael: Well, okay, lets go.
Pam: Oh, all my stuff is still upstairs so...
Michael: Are people watching?
Pam: Probably.
Jim: Michael, its not how you leave in an office. It how you...
Michael: Jim Jim Jim... we're having a company meeting here.
Jim: I'll bring your stuff home. Okay, bye.
Pam: Okay, see you later.
Michael: Bye.
Charles: So, we had a personnel change today. Shouldn't effect our day to day. But, until we get a new receptionist I want Kevin on the phones.
Kevin: Phones?
Charles: Also, there has been too much wasted time. So Stanley.
Stanley: [holding a crossword puzzle] Yes.
Charles: Yeah, I want you to be on top of that okay? I want you to be my productivity czar. Okay, good. Uh, okay that it on my list. So uh, you know, no excuses guys. Lets get going okay? [everyone leaves except Kevin and Stanley, who are sitting stunned in their chairs]


Jim: [phone ringing] You gonna answer that, Kev?
Kevin: Oh, right. Thanks. [reading off index card] Dunder Mifflin, this is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you. [cupping the mouthpiece, yelling] Oscar, your mom!
Jim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? [pause] I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.
Kevin: Please hold. [cupping mouthpiece and holding out the phone] Andy! Phone call.
Jim: No. [Andy gets up from his desk] Stay there. Kev, thought we nailed the whole transfer thing earlier.
Kevin: Yeah, I wrote it on my hand... but then I washed it.
Jim: It is transfer, extension, and then transfer again.
Kevin: Okay. Andy, get ready. [muttering] Transfer. Extension. Transfer.
Jim: Here we go. [Meredith's phone rings. Jim and Andy groan.]
Kevin: Oh, man!
Andy: It is 1-3-4, Kev! [Kevin runs to the phone]
Jim: Kev, c'mon.
Dwight: Hustle!
Kevin: Hold it.
Andy: You are murdering the Nard-dog!
Kevin: [on phone] This is Kevin. Please hold and I will transfer you. [Phyllis's phone rings]
Angela: You're bad at this too!
Kevin: [running to the phone] Just... don't answer that call!
Stanley: Just transfer the damn call.
Kevin: Your call is very important to us. Ple-[Andy's phone rings]
Andy: Hey-o! [applauding and cheering]
Dwight: Way to go.
Andy: My maid died.
Pam: Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know, Apple Computers started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple. [picks up piece of mail] Look, it's official! [door opens, Michael is in a bath robe]
Michael: Oh, good. My hooker's here. [laughs] Hi.
Pam: Michael, you were expecting me, right?
Michael: Yes I was. Yes I was.
Pam: Are you wearing anything under the robe?
Michael: That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in.
Pam: This looks great, Michael.
Michael: Thank you. Would you like some french toast?
Pam: Yes, please.
Michael: What shape?
Pam: ... Square is fine.
Michael: Alright.
Charles: Just want to fill you in on a few details. As you know, I will be running the branch while we search for Michael's replacement. So please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns. [Kelly raises hand] Yeah.
Kelly: Where will you be staying while you're in Scranton?
Charles: Eh, uh, in a hotel.
Angela: Charles, where were you born?
Charles: Actually, I meant questions more about the day-to-day operations of the company. Kay. [Andy raises hand] Yeah.
Andy: How are operations of the company? Just, day-to day.
Charles: Okay, let's go over non-discretionary cuts. Okay, guys? [Charles sees Stanley with his crossword, Charles stares and he puts it away] Thank you. So, umm...
Jim: [whispering] Would you please stop that?
Dwight: What?
Jim: You're breathing very heavily.
Dwight: This is how I breathe.
Jim: No it's not.
Dwight: If you want to tell me -
Charles: Okay, Jim Halpert. I need your eyes up front.
Jim: Oh no. I was just -
Charles: No. Hey, hey. I just want to hear 'yes'.
Jim: ... Yes.
Charles: Good. As I was saying...
Dwight: Oh no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable! Ohhhh! [smiles]
Pam: So, what do you say we get started?
Michael: After breakfast.
Pam: I'm full.
Michael: So how you feeling about the new company?
Pam: I feel good. [sees a huge pile of French toast] Wow.
Michael: You excited? About the new company?
Pam: Yeah. I'm excited to start the company.
Michael: After breakfast.
Pam: We did that. So, what's next? Michael, just stop for a second. [reaches out to take the whisk] Michael. Stop for a second.
Michael: No, I'm whipping them.
Pam: No, I know you are.
Michael: Just let go.
Pam: Just let me have... Oh.
Michael: Let go, please. Just gimmee -
Pam: Fine! [eggs splatter all over his robe] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Michael: I can't do this! This is pathetic, isn't it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this? I have egg in my Crocs.
Phyllis: I never see him drink. I never see him eat.
Stanley: I don't think he even uses the bathroom.
Creed: Oh, he does. He does.
Michael: [doing situps] I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.
Pam: You know, Michael. When I feel overwhelmed -
Michael: I'm not overwhelmed, Pam.
Pam: I know! No, I'm saying that when I feel overwhelmed, something I like to do is make a list. Make a list of things to do and then start with the easy stuff.
Micheal: Whatever calms you down.
Pam: Okay, first, work out. And, hey! Look! You did that. Check. [Michael doing leg lifts] Eat an enormous breakfast. Check.
Michael: Don't patronize me, Pam.
Pam: I think you should get dressed.
Michael: I'm not getting dressed. I'm not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients.
Pam: Michael, that seems impossible.
Michael: It's totally impossible!
Pam: We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today.
Michael: Assemble a sales team. A dream team.
Pam: Great.
Michael: Okay, Ryan.
Pam: No. What? Why?
Michael: He's everything I'm not and everything I am. He's the whole package.
Pam: No. We're not gonna hire Ryan.
Michael: Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman I've ever met.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: He worked at that telemarketing place.
Pam: We'll find him.
Michael: Okay. Oh also, we have a meeting this afternoon with a potential investor.
Pam: Really?
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: We have an investor already?
Michael: Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her.
Pam: Michael, that's fantastic.
Michael: Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. Got a few things cookin'. [sits down in robe, legs spread wide] Umm...
Pam: Hey! We need to get you dressed!
Pam: I have doubts about this too. But when one person freaks out, sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer. That's one thing I've learned about relationships. I hate that I just used the word relationship. [Michael comes out in a suit] Hey! You look great! [checks something off her list] Let's go!
Michael: Alright.
Andy: [laughing at something on his computer]
Charles: You a soccer fan?
Andy: Oh. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. You weren't supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession.
Charles: Well, that makes two of us.
Andy: No way!
Charles: Yeah.
Andy: I hate soccer. But guess who doesn't hate soccer? Charles Miner.
Charles: I was actually in Germany for the 2006 World Cup Finals.
Andy: Ahhh. You bastard! That shoulda been me!
Charles: Yeah, I love the sport. I love the sport. Alright, man.
Andy: Cool!
Jim: I've never been a kiss up. I - it's just not how I operate. I mean, I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work. Half-heartedly.
Pam: Next on the list - open the mail.
Michael: Oh. Wow. 'Michael Scott Paper Company.' Okay. Very official. 'Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty, a forfeiture of residence.'
Pam: No, okay. It's fine. It's fine. We're just gonna add 'find office'...
Michael: How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?
Pam: Next on the list - song parodies.
Michael: Okay. Okay. 'Achey Breaky Fart.'
Pam: Great. Let's sing it in the car.
Michael: No! No No. No. 'My Stumps.' Like 'My Humps' but a guy with no legs.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: We can do this.
Pam: We can do this.
Andy: Whoa! And he just goes, 'Boom'. [kicking motion] Goal!
Charles: Yep. Yep. That's Pele.
Andy: You know your soccer, man.
Charles: I know. Yes I do.
Stanley: I prefer [looks down at palms] Maradona. Uhhh... Diego Maradona.
Charles: Oh yeah?
Stanley: From Argentina.
Charles: I didn't know we had so many, uh, soccer fans in the office.
Andy: I mean, to be fair, I was the first one to talk about it, but...
Charles: What about you, Jim? You a fan of the game?
Jim: Uh, no. Nope. Not really.
Charles: Well, it's not for everybody I suppose. [Andy laughs]
Jim: It's 'cause I'm more of a player.
Charles: Yeah?
Jim: You bet.
Dwight: Really, Jim? I had no idea you played soccer. 'Cause you never, ever talk about it.
Jim: Well I do.
Dwight: Wow.
Jim: I play.
Dwight: You can be so modest sometimes.
Jim: Well, maybe you should get back to work.
Dwight: Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around.
Jim: Maybe we will someday.
Dwight: Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say?
Charles: That's a great idea, Dwight.
Dwight: Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight: I don't try and be anything that I'm not.
Charles: What do you say, Jim? Huh? Wanna play some soccer?
Dwight: Jim, what do you say?
Angela: Sounds fun.
Andy: I'm in it to win.
Dwight: Game on!
Charles: Okay. See you on the field, there, bro.
Jim: Let's... eh... see ya.
Charles: See you on the field. Ha, ha. I can't wait!
Jim: Yep, I used to play soccer in school. From second to fourth grade. I was on the orange team.
Pam: [Michael comes out with Vikram, arms raised] We got Vikram!
Vikram: You got me.
Vikram: Where are we going?
Pam: We have a meeting with an investor today.
Michael: Yes we do. So, get excited. But I have to go the bathroom real quick. If you'll excuse me, be right back. [gets out of the car] Ah, okay.
Vikram: He seems really confident.
Pam: He can be.
Vikram: Confidence. It's the food of the wise man but the liquor of the fool.
Pam: Hm. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Vikram.
Michael: Hey. I would like a pair of size nine, please. [Ryan is working at the bowling alley] It's Michael.
Ryan: I'm swamped, Michael. [over the PA] Happy birthday to Sally in lane 27.
Michael: Okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past misconduct because they have no files.
Vikram: He's taking a long time. Is it possible he's bowling? I mean, you know him better than I do.
Pam: Yes. Yes, it's possible.
Michael: Well, it has always been a lifelong dream.
Pam: Michael! What's going on?
Michael: I'm...
Pam: Hey, Ryan.
Ryan: Hey, you.
Michael: Excuse me. Yes?
Pam: This wasn't on the list.
Michael: Yes, it is.
Pam: No.
Michael: Yes.
Pam: It's not.
Michael: It is.
Pam: [looks at list] When did you add this to the list?
Michael: Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance. [walks back to Ryan] Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?
Ryan: Sixty thousand dollars a year.
Pam: You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?
Ryan: What do you make, secretary?
Supervisor: Back to work, shoe bitch!
Ryan: I told you guys, I'm really busy here, so...
Michael: Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?
Ryan: What size shoes are you guys?
Michael: Uh, nine.
Ryan: What are those, a men's ten?
Pam: No.
Michael: [Ryan grabs some shoes] Look what he's doing.
Pam: What is he doing?
Michael: He's stealing them. Okay, okay.
Pam: Oh my God.
Michael: He's already paying for himself.
Pam: Sorry!
Ryan: Where is it?
Michael: Right here.
Vikram: Hey, c'mon, guys. These are prime selling hours, you know.
Charles: Miner - [kicking a piece of trash]
Jim: Oh, there he goes.
Charles: ...sees his partner -
Jim: Yikes.
Charles: Halpert. He looks up!
Jim: Aw, man.
Charles: Defending duo! He sets him up! [Jim moves the piece of trash with his hands] He sets him up. Yeah. Oh-ho!
Jim: Oh! Goal!
Charles: Aw, man, I can't wait to play with you.
Jim: Aw, it's gonna be the [softly] worst.
Ryan: Do you guys want to hear about Thailand?
Michael: Oh yeah.
Pam: Sure.
Ryan: It was indescribable.
Michael: Sounds awesome.
Pam: Beat.
Vikram: What sort of investing club is this?
Michal: Vikram, you ask a lot of questions and I like that. Hey, Nana! Hi!
Pam: [mouthing to camera] Nana?
Nana: Michael!
Michael: People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nana's investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality, then I'm sure that's what she would have wanted. Does want.
Michael: Well I'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules, so I appreciate you meeting with us here today. What this is is a business that I have worked toward my entire life. Hey! [snaps in front of sleeping old man] I have assembled what I believe to be the most exciting, sought-after talent in the industry today. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dream team. From our very own Scranton, Pennsylvania - Pam Beesly. Pretty Pam is always reaching for the stars and someday, she may just surprise us all and grab one. Meet Vikram. From his humble beginnings as a - stay standing - from his humble beginnings as a prominent surgeon, he risked it all to become the most successful telemarketer in the lipophedrene industry. And do not call it a comeback. The youngest vice president in the history of Dunder Mifflin, and recent bowling alley employee, Ryan Howard is about to make a splash in paper.
Nana: So let's hear it.
Michael: Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead, I think I can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit.
Nana: How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy?
Michael: By wanting it more. By working hard-
Nana: What's your mission statement?
Michael: Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows: I will not be beat. I will never give up. I am on a mission. That is the Michael Scott guarantee.
Charles: C'mon, Oscar. What positions do people play?
Dwight: Wing.
Kevin: Wag.
Charles: Jim. What do you play?
Jim: Left.
Charles: Forward or half?
Jim: Forward, definitely.
Chares: Okay, striker, huh?
Jim: Striker!
Charles: Let's see what you got in those legs!
Jim: Alright! Let's do it.
Charles: Alright. [Dwight blows whistle in Jim's face] No, no, no. That's supposed to be the kickoff.
Jim: Kickoff. [to camera] My strategy is to touch the ball as little as possible. Chalk it up to teamwork. [to team] Alright! [clapping]
Michael: And I offer same day, free delivery.
Nana: Michael, I don't know about this.
Michael: Nana. [softly] I really think that Papa would want you to do this.
Nana: I'm not so sure.
Michael: Well what is it exactly? I mean, what, what specifically? We don't - it doesn't have to be paper. We could sell medicine and other...
Nana: See, this is what concerns me.
Old Woman: We could just give him a chance. It's not much money.
Michael: Well... this might not be the right time, but I need more than I originally asked for.
Nana: This isn't a handout club. It's an investment club!
Michael: Okay.
Nana: I love you, Michael. I do.
Michael: Okay.
Nana: But no. I mean it. No.
Vikram: I thought Nana raised some good questions. What kind of a name is Nana?
Pam: It means grandmother.
Vikram: Oh, sweet Jesus. Look, I'm sorry to do this, but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building?
Vikram: You know, Michael? You want to succeed? You got to apply the same- [Michael slams door]
Andy: Get 'im, Jim! C'mon, tough D, Jim. [Charles kicks, ball hits Phyllis in the nose]
Charles: Oh, my God! Oh wow. Jim, what the?
Oscar: Phyllis, Phyllis.
Charles: Phyllis, are you okay? Are, you okay?
Phyllis: [muffled] No, I swallowed a crown.
Charles: Why'd you duck, Jim?
Jim: What?
Dwight: Yeah, Jim. Why would an experienced soccer player like yourself duck at the very last moment?
Jim: Okay, I'm just gonna go get some ice.
Charles: Does that make you feel better? Huh?
Jim: I'm sorry, Phyllis.
Charles: Oh, yeah. Jim's sorry.
Ryan: Do you get TNT? The station? Do you get TNT?
Michael: Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup. [to Pam] Yeah, I know. Two not-so-great things in a row. Ehhhh, well. Stuff happens, right? At least we got Ryan. The Rye-guy. We should call him Rye bread. We don't have to call him that. Unless you like it. We could call him that.
Pam: I can't do this.
Michael: What's that?
Pam: I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat ten feet away from my fiance. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.
Michael: Blech.
Pam: I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up and then I - I, I do something too big, like this. Who does this?
Michael: Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that's why God made so many.
Pam: We don't have any money. We don't have an office. We don't have anything.
Michael: Well we should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let's get you out of the car. Alright. [Pam tosses list out car window] Okay...
Pam: How come out of everyone in the office, I'm the only one that went with you? Is it because I'm that stupid? I mean, your own grandmother doesn't even believe in you!
Michael: I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now, kay? You quit your job. I quit my job. We both quit. Those are the facts. That's what happened. Now, what are our choices right now? Because you know, kiddo, you quit.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: So what are our options? Well, we can start this paper company. We can try. Or... that's it. That's our only option. Because we quit. Pam, I do my best work when people don't believe in me. I remember in high school, my math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out. And know what I did? The very next day I went out and I scored more goals than anyone else in the history of the hockey team. See what I mean? I thrive on this. I thrive on it. So I'm gonna go inside. I'm going to make some calls, I'm gonna get us an office space, and I'm going to show you why you joined this company. Okay? [Pam nods]
Michael: You gotta have some extra space. Philly, work with me here. There's gotta be some sort of secret office that you have... lurkin' around... some awesome, free, keep it off the books... Oh, no. Not there. That would be humiliating.
Michael: I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. That's what being a man is. And earlier today, I was freaking out. Pam stepped up. She was the man. Don't think a woman can be a man? Well, then that's your stereotype, not mine.
Michael: [walks into room] Okay.
Pam: I could work here. I could see this.
Michael: It's right in the middle of the paper belt.
Pam: Are you good?
Michael: Yeah, I'm good. You good?
Pam: I'm good.
Michael: You know what they say, keep your friends close. [pointing to office sign where 'Dunder Mifflin' is listed right above 'Michael Scott Pap']
Charles: Michael, you're back.
Michael: Yes, I am, Charles.
Charles: Mmmhmm.
Michael: Except this time, you have no legal right to kick me out, because I have started my very own paper company right here in the building. If I were you, Charles Miner, I would watch your step. Because the Michael Scott Paper Company is about to open a big ol' can of whoopass on Dunder Mifflin. [Pam and Michael stare him down, he walks away] Actually a six pack. We're gonna open a six pack of whoopass. He looks scared.


Michael: It's Britney bitch. And I am back, in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company. [tries to parallel park, hits car.] Okay. Not gonna make this one. [drives away revealing plenty of space for the Cruiser]
Jim: LOVE the hair. [Ryan walks up driveway with blonde dyed hair]
Pam: Morning Michael!
Michael: Hello! They took away my parking space but they can't take away my pride! [awkwardly climbs out of his car]
Michael: I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. [nips mylar ribbon with hedge clippers, it won't cut, he tears it down] Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!
Kelly: So. I thought we could take the customer on a... Then. Then we could...
Jim: You realize you're not actually talking to me, right?
Kelly: And...
Charles: Hey Kelly?
Kelly: Yes? Charles, you wanted me?
Charles: Oh, I meant, I meant that Kelly. [New receptionist walks in]
Jim: The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk, so that she can run into his Charles' office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks if she says 'You wanted me' enough, he will in fact want her. It's not the worse plan she's ever had.
Charles: Oh, and Kelly...
Kelly: Yes Charles? Yes, you wanted me?
Charles: Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay? And you, Hannon.
Erin: If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.
Charles: Erin. Okay, that's very pretty.
Kelly: Well you know what my middle name is? Rajani Ghana! And I hate it! I hate it!
Kevin: I thought Rajini Ghanda was a boy's name?
Michael: We are in the heart of it. [Bathroom sounds rattle the small office.] And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
Pam: What should we do now?
Michael: We wait, and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon.
Michael: I don't know I think we've done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I've updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it.
Michael: I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service. [He sets sheet between Pam and Ryan on desk. Neither takes it.]
Pam: I make that one copy, and I become the girl who makes copies, and by the end of the day I'm receptionist again. And the worst part is, I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it's cold in there. Cause it's technically a closet.
Andy: What do you think?
Dwight: Let me check. [Pulls out hunting scope] Oh nope! Clearly a hunter. Who knows how to throw an outfit together.
Andy: Thank you!
Dwight: Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.
Ryan: You should come into town this weekend man. Yeah, we'll hang out Scranton style.
Michael: Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend.
Ryan: Please don't listen to my phone calls. Yeah, she's like um, she'd probably be a Six in New York, but she's like a Seven here in Scranton. And then uh, my boss is my old boss from Dunder Mifflin. It's a small space.
Charles: Hey Jim can I get a, um-
Jim: Hi! [Awkward]
Charles: Hi. I need a rundown of your clients, can you get that to me.
Jim: Sure!
Charles: Yeah.
Jim: Okay.
Jim: What the hell's a rundown?
Jim: When did you need that rundown by?
Charles: As soon as possible.
Jim: Okay.
Charles: Just get it right.
Jim: Yeah. Gotcha. Of course. I'm gonna dive in. To the rundown. I'll be exhausted 'cause it's like a triathlon. [At door.] Do you want to close this? Close, or keep it?
Erin: Oh.
Dwight: You know there's a ghost in this office
Erin: Really?
Dwight: A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. Haddie McGonagle. She was a prostitute.
Erin: Why was she in this building?
Dwight: Oh, this whole place used to be a brothel. There was a tavern on the ground floor.
Erin: That's crazy.
Dwight: Yeah isn't it? She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.
Erin: Oh my god!
Dwight: It was gruesome. They say she walks these hallways. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder?
Erin: Hmm.
Dwight: That could be Haddie. Begging for her life. And it could mean, that you're next. [Taps her shoulder]
Erin: Oh! [Dwight and Erin laugh.]
Dwight: Just kidding. You finding everything okay?
Erin: Yeah.
Dwight: Yeah?
Erin: Just got some ice.
Dwight: Erin [eerie voice] Erin...
Andy: Oh, this is awkward. [Andy and Erin 'dance' trying to get out of each other's way]
Erin: Oops!
Andy: Uh oh! Oh! Oh! [Andy improvs musical verbage]
Erin: So I'll see you guys around!
Dwight: Hey buddy.
Michael: Hey Ryan? [Ryan watches Montgomery Flea Market ad on YouTube] Could you get to that copy from before?
Ryan: Pam's better at that stuff
Pam: That is so insulting.
Ryan: How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?
Pam: Because the thing you're saying I'm good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.
Ryan: I'm not judging it, it's like ... I could run GM but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying one is better than the other.
Pam: Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.
Ryan: What the hell? [Michael closed his laptop]
Michael: Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I don't make copies, I'm the boss. Got it? I make originals.
Ryan: Yeah I make originals too.
Pam: Shut up!
Michael: Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!
Pam: Really!
Ryan: Yeah!
Toby: Not much? What's up with you? [from bathroom above] Nah it's okay. I'm in the bathroom. Hey you been watching Damages this year? It's so good. No, you gotta tune in, it's as good as anything on HBO. [sound of pissing] Hey does blue go with tan?
Michael: Would someone just make the copy?
Toby: I have like, like a blue shirt? I don't wear a lot of colors, I have a lot of tan. Uh huh.
Michael: Just make that copy okay?
Pam: Seriously? This is what's so important, putting naked pictures on the desktop?
Ryan: That's me and my friend Jonathan from Thailand.
Pam: I don't want to look at your friend Jasmine's boobs all day.
Ryan: You could be hot too if you made any effort. At all.
Pam: Like how? Dyeing my hair blond?
Ryan: This is from the sun.
Pam: Oh yeah I bet.
Michael: They're getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he's too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim.
Pam: Michael, we can hear you.
Michael: I'm on the phone, please. Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. P's being a giant B.
Pam: Okay it's my turn.
Ryan: No don't take that, give that back!
Pam: Give it back for what? What're you gonna do with it?
Ryan: I'm gonna make a spreadsheet.
Pam: You're gonna make another 'spreadsheet.'
Ryan: Yeah!
Pam: Yeah exactly. It's my turn.
Ryan: Go make a copy, secretary.
Pam: Come on! Ryan!
Michael: They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?
Dwight: Hey buddy, what are you up to?
Andy: Um, nerthing?
Dwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated, and your skin flushed, and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis.
Andy: Pffft.
Dwight: Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?
Andy: The last thing I want to do, is step on your funk man.
Dwight: And I, yours. So I will cede her to you.
Andy: No, that's ridiculous.
Dwight: No no no.
Andy: Look you've been here longer, and besides, I'm a better wingman than I am a boyfriend so-
Dwight: Look I just want you and I to hang out so, you know. Just, [They Hi-5 badly] Boom.
Michael: Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small.
Pam: Definitely.
Michael: Okay. There are ... 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own.
Pam: We could work from home.
Ryan: Or you could fire one of us. Whoever has less education.
Michael: Okay guys, thank you for the offers. But I want you to get pumped about this corner idea. All right? 1,2,3- What are we gonna do?
Pam: ... Corner idea?
Michael: No, you're supposed to say, 'Rock the house.'
Ryan: Rock the house!
Pam: How would we know that?
Jim: Hey dude, you know what a 'rundown' is?
Oscar: Use it in a sentence.
Jim: Uh, can you get this rundown for me?' [impersonating Charles]
Oscar: Try another sentence.
Jim: This rundown better be really good'?
Oscar: I don't know but it sounds like the rundown is really important.
Jim: Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.
Oscar: Why don't you just ask him-
Jim: No. I can't. It was like, hours ago.
Oscar: What have you been doing?
Kevin: Try it in another sentence.
Ryan: Last night was crazy. Jojo? Yeah. He did a donut in a parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells, 'Hey cop, you like donuts?' then we drive off. No, he just stayed there. [Pam goes to sit in a chair in the corner.] I want that new phone. No, the other one. No the other one. No, you know which one I'm talking about it's the one, the one with the awesome browser. [More bathroom noises] No, not that one.
Michael: That's my corner.
Pam: I thought that was your corner.
Michael: No, this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work.
Pam: So my corner's the one with the copier?
Michael: Pam, I don't make the rules. [Pam walks out.]
Ryan: Yeah. I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No I don't want an iPhone, I know what an iPhone is.
Charles: You started on that rundown yet? [Looks at Jim's screen.]
Jim: Oh, this is just something I'm taking a break with.
Charles: Oh.
Jim: I will get back to the rundown, uh, right now.
Charles: Okay, great.
Jim: Hey you know what? Do you have a rundown that I could take a look at, just so I know what type of rundown you're looking for ?
Charles: Just keep it simple.
Jim: Keeping it simple -that's what I'm doing. But I am working hard on this one. Real hard.
Charles: You're working hard? On this?
Jim: No. Not too hard. Not harder than I should.
Charles: Right. I mean why work harder than you should.
Jim: No, I...
Erin: Can I help you?
Pam: No thanks.
Jim: Hey!
Pam: Hey I'm here to see Charles.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Hey Charles.
Charles: Hey Pam.
Pam: I know you're a very busy man so I'll cut right to the chase. I'd like my old job back.
Charles: I don't know what to tell you. The job's been taken.
Pam: Um, well, I could come back as a salesman. I have experience now.
Charles: Um.
Pam: Or I could come back as your personal assistant. You know? Sort your mail, set your appointments. I know all the people.
Charles: Yeah I know.
Pam: Personal shopper?
Charles: No.
Pam: Well it was great catching up with you. And I'll see you around the building.
Charles: Okay.
Pam: I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that's okay. The air smells so good. I don't remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable.
Michael: Oh hey! Stanley, Phyllis. Come on in. Welcome, welcome. Let me give you the tour.
Stanley: I get it. [To Phyllis] You need to see more?
Phyllis: It's really cute.
Michael: Thank you. You remember Ryan [Stanley laughs deeply] And Pam is around here somewhere.
Stanley: She's upstairs talking to Charles.
Michael: What for?
Stanley: I don't know. [They shrug and leave.]
Ryan: Are we staying til five?
Michael: Yes.
Michael: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.
Michael: Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary. [Flips a pancake. It's about 8x11 inches] Young sir, would you like a free pancake?
Ryan: I'm texting. I don't want to get my fingers sticky.
Michael: Ryan, enough with the texting machine. Come on. And tuck in your shirt, you're the face of this company.
Michael: Hey Pam.
Pam: Hey.
Michael: You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?
Pam: Yeah, I needed to take care of some stuff.
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: That's as specific as I'd like to be.
Michael: Well, at least you're still being honest with me.
Jim: There's the rundown you asked for. I may have expanded some areas that you weren't prepared for.
Charles: Great. Fax that to everyone on the distribution list.
Jim: Yeah sure. You want to look at it first?
Charles: Do I need to?
Jim: No. No, I just wanted to make sure, it was in the same format. So that distribution list is gonna be my...?
Charles: What's that?
Jim: The one I have. I'll use the one I have.
Jim: Just faxing. My Dad. A rundown.
Pam: We're small, but we're eager to make a name for ourselves.
Man: Do you have a card?
Pam: Nope, I don't have a card, but I'll do you one better. A little scrap of paper.
Creed: These are terrible boss. You gotta make them in a circle so that they cook evenly.
Michael: These are shaped like paper.
Creed: Well I don't even want these. [Takes the rectangle pancakes out of his coat.]
Meredith: I'll take them for my kid.
Erin: Country roads, take me home, to the place...[Dwight is strumming the tune on his guitar] Sorry. I like that song. You're good!
Dwight: You're good.
Erin: Thank you.
Andy: That was great, but it's just sort of, it's still a little choppy like. But don't worry, it's hard, it took me a while too. It's like [Andy plays Country Roads on his banjo.]
Erin: Wow!
Andy: What? Oh my God you heard that I'm so embarrassed. I'm like so rusty.
Dwight: Oh it's good, you're coming along. It's really technically proficient but really there's no heart or soul in it.
Andy: Really?
Dwight: Hey you want to sing with me? Almost heaven...
Dwight and Erin: West Virginia, Blue Ridge mountain, Shenandoah River [Andy vocalizes]
Dwight: In German! Leben ist dort alt, alter als die Baume, Junger als die Berge, wie eine Brise blasend
Dwight and Andy: Take me home, country roads, to the place, I belong. West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads. [Erin leaves]
Dwight: Take it Andy! Take me home, to the place I belong, Ba bah dah duh
Toby: You have to stop. [bangs on glass window]
Michael: I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And, let me tell you something it was delicious. So the next day, I decided to make that sandwich. And in real life it is disgusting. [The phone rings] It is a disgusting sandwich. [It rings again.] And the reason I tell you this story. [phone] Pick up the phone.
Pam: Dunder Miff...Michael Scott Paper Company, this is Pam. Oh, hi Russell from the pancake luncheon, how are you? Well we'd like to do business with you too! How can we make that happen?
Ryan: Keep going. [Whispers]
Michael: Don't tell them we have free delivery! [Also whispers]
Pam: We already offered free delivery!
Michael: They don't know that!
Pam: Um, I can offer you free delivery on any order that you place today. Okay, twenty boxes? I can do... just a second. I can do 20 boxes at 43 dollars a box. Great!
Ryan: Write it down.
Michael: Give him a guarantee.
Pam: A guarantee of what?
Michael: Just say the word.
Pam: And I guarantee, that you will be satisfied! 'Cause your satisfaction is our guarantee! We guarantee it. We look forward to doing business with you too. Thank you Russell.
Michael: Yes!
Pam: I made a sale!
Ryan: Oh!
Michael: You did!
Pam: Oh!
Michael: Oh yeah!
Ryan: We did it !
Michael: She did it!
Michael: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Dancing in the office]
Michael: Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don't have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really [flushing] Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what's important.
Andy: Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song.
Dwight: Cherry Pie, Warrant.
Andy: Better a cappella!
Dwight: No! Really?
Andy: Yeah. Name another.
Dwight: Enter Sandman, Metallica.
Andy: Better a cappella.
Dwight: Rebel Yell, Billy Idol
Andy: Aw!! Way better a cappella
Dwight: Really?
Andy: Yeah.


Michael: Hup! [throws cheese puff to Ryan who catches it in his mouth]
Pam: Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
Michael: Hup! [throws cheese puff to Pam who catches it in her mouth]
Pam: We're getting pretty good at it.
Jim: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.
Pam: The timeline's messy.
Jim: Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.
Andy: This is my solo. [stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar, a cappella starts singing 'You Can Call Me Al']
Pam: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to 'You Can Call Me Al?'
Andy: Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.
Jim: I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?
Andy: Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000.
Pam: I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.
Andy: Did you even hear the music I just played for you?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Phyllis: What's wrong with you?
Dwight: These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.
Phyllis: I think you look nice.
Dwight: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.
Charles: Looking good.
Dwight: Kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! [knocks things off shelf with arms] Okay.
Dwight: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.
Michael: Hey.
Dwight: Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change.
Michael: [gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine] Is this good?
Dwight: They have some great kitchen ideas.
Michael: Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?
Dwight: It's small, I know.
Michael: I really appreciate it.
Dwight: Thanks, Michael. [Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake] Wait, what is this?
Michael: It's for your trouble.
Dwight: Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend.
Michael: No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.
Dwight: Michael, you know I can't take this.
Michael: Yes, I do.
Dwight: But don't forget you owe me $10.
Michael: That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?
Dwight: Michael.
Andy: What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?
Jim: I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake.
Andy: It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.
Jim: Am I going down a road?
Andy: When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.
Jim: It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.
Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
Jim: I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.
Michael: Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.
Pam: I'm not gonna do that.
Michael: That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Ryan: I can get there.
Michael: Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.
Ryan: Oh, awesome.
Michael: Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat]
Michael, Pam & Ryan: U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!
Pam: I'm here. I'm a part of this now.
Dwight: You needed to speak to me?
Charles: Dwight, take a seat.
Dwight: I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Charles: Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. [Dwight sits] Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately?
Dwight: Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.
Charles: I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed.
Dwight: Your concern is noted.
Charles: Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused.
Dwight: Like a wolf. Thank you.
Charles: And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?
Dwight: Really?
Charles: Definitely.
Dwight: [sighs] It's firm.
Michael: [on phone] I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight: I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up.
Michael: Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
Dwight: No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast.
Michael: I'm not following you.
Dwight: Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero.
Michael: Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.
Dwight: Good, do you see what I'm saying?
Michael: Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing?
Dwight: No.
Michael: Can I use it? [Pam holds up note saying 'He's talking about you!']
Dwight: No.
Michael: [Michael dismisses note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad] Dwight, are you talking about us?
Dwight: It is possible that I could be talking about us.
Michael: Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?
Dwight: It is the situation that we are in now.
Michael: So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?
Dwight: I'm not a barbarian.
Michael: Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?
Dwight: I will.
Michael: Dwight?
Dwight: Yes?
Michael: Is the cool new guy Charles?
Dwight: I've said too much.
Michael: Is it Stanley?
Jim: Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said-
Andy: Noishe.'
Jim: -I just don't know if I can do it.
Andy: That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you want to do it, which means you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?
Jim: It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy.
Andy: And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants. [imitates punching on Jim's fist] Ah, what'd you do that for?
Jim: [both laugh] You know that I was doin' this.
Andy: [fist pound each other] Totally.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?
Dwight: I'm sorry, Michael
Charles: [Charles comes from around corner] Hi, Michael.
Michael: Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!
Charles: No, Mich-Michael.
Michael: Dwight, run!
Charles: Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?
Michael: You be cool.
Charles: Yes.
Michael: Just-what's going on?
Charles: We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.
Michael: Mm-do... Dwight would not-
Charles: He did.
Dwight: I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it.
Charles: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Michael: I. Understand. Nothing.
Michael: [Michael storms into office] Wow.
Pam: Michael, are you alright?
Michael: It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
Pam: Tell us what you're talking about.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Pam: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Michael: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?
Andy: Hey, Jim.
Jim: [Jim slams lunchbag on table] I just totally blew a sales call.
Andy: Bro, I do that all the time.
Jim: Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!
Andy: Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok?
Jim: Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.
Andy: Well, so what? Your body's a ten.
Jim: Forget it.
Andy: Jim.
Jim: I said forget it. [drop kicks lunch across room, stomps on it]
Dwight: [on phone] Dwight Schrute.
Michael: Hello, traitor.
Dwight: I think you have the wrong number, Michael.
Michael: I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
Pam: Michael!
Michael: I'm just getting hardcore with him.
Ryan: Finally.
Michael: Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. [hangs up] Bill Cosby.
Dwight: [on phone] Mr. Schofield, please?
Secretary: He's in a meeting.
Dwight: Dammit! [hangs up]
Michael: [on phone] Is Mr. Schofield there?
Automated phone voice: If you'd like to reach an outside line, please dial nine first. [Michael sighs, hangs up phone]
Stanley: So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?
Dwight: I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried.
Phyllis: You sound worried.
Dwight: And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! [gibberish sounds]
Michael: [on phone] Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. [referencing rolodex card] Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV?
Ryan: Look at that old dude and his rolodex go.
Pam: I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight.
Michael: Wow. High score?
Dwight: And no, I cannot lower my current prices. [phone rings] Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.
Dwight: Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still...
Michael: Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?
Dwight: I would like to arrange a truce.
Michael: So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?
Dwight: Meet me in our spot in four minutes.
Michael: No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.
Dwight: In which direction?
Michael: Toward the sun.
Dwight: At what time?
Michael: Noon.
Dwight: That-
Michael: You have two seconds. [Dwight starts running]
Dwight: [looking at his watch] Michael. [Madge walks by] Sorry.
Michael: Dwight.
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: I hope you're not recording this conversation. [Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt] Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.
Dwight: You were making me do things that were not all right.
Michael: So you just rat me out? You could have said no.
Dwight: And not come through for you?
Michael: If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.
Dwight: I want a truce.
Michael: I do too.
Dwight: Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's.
Michael: Cooper's.
Dwight: I had fish yesterday.
Michael: Damn it.
Michael: [Michael, Ryan and Pam sitting at restaurant, phone rings] Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?
Dwight: Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic.
Michael: Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.
Dwight: I hit a bear.
Michael: What?
Dwight: He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. [throws a fish into the vent at Michael's office] Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?
Michael: Yeah, sure.
Dwight: Ok, I will see you very soon, alright? [takes all the items off Michael's desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex]
Michael: Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.
Pam: [Pam, Ryan and Michael enter office] Sounds neat.
Ryan: We can spend a couple days there.
Pam: Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!
Michael: [Michael answers phone] Yeah.
Dwight: Did you enjoy your lunch?
Michael: Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.
Dwight: No, Michael, you were sabotaged.
Michael: No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. [Pam holds up sign saying 'Dwight did it!!'] You?
Dwight: Me.
Michael: What about our truce?
Dwight: I broke it.
Michael: On purpose?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Why?
Dwight: You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight: And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael: Oh. [bites into sandwich, looks disgusted] Bastard!
Dwight: Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is [reading off rolodex card] Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say.
Dwight: [holding up rolodex card] Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, 'great salesman, better friend.' [turns card over] 'Tall' and 'beets.'
Dwight: And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. [hangs up and answers cell phone] I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here.
Michael: Dwight, do you mind if we talk?
Dwight: Sure. That'd be fine.
Michael: If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed.
Dwight: This is war and that is what happens.
Michael: Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.
Dwight: Oh, no. No. No. No. No.
Michael: Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now.
Dwight: Michael! Michael!
Michael: You can hear me, but I can't hear you.
Secretary: Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott.
Michael: Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much.
Dwight: Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael!
Michael: Walking in the door...
Mr. Schofield: Michael, good to see you.
Michael: Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door. [Dwight runs out of the office]
Michael: [on speakerphone in Dwight's car] Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.
Mr. Schofield: Really?
Michael: Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Dwight: Are you saying you invented paper?
Andy: [hugging a crying Jim] Okay, okay.
Jim: Oh, God.
Andy: Okay, Tuna.
Kelly: Hey, guys.
Jim: Hey.
Andy: Hello.
Andy: Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody, Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, ok? It stops now.
Kevin: I guess I could be nicer.
Phyllis: Andy, I think Jim is messing with you.
Andy: Oh, really?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm. [looks over to Jim smiling through windows to the kitchen]
Jim: Okay.
Andy: Yeah, okay, what the heck is happennin' here?
Jim: Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together.
Andy: Uh, that's not what was-
Jim: And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will.
Andy: Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.
Michael: What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
Dwight: It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah! [runs into office]
Secretary: Uh, hello, Dwight.
Dwight: Spin move.
Secretary: Oh-
Dwight: Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.
Mr. Schofield: Dwight, I'm in a meeting.
Michael: That's very rude.
Dwight: I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.
Mr. Schofield: Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-
Dwight: La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!
Michael: I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin...
Dwight: Come on.
Michael: Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
Dwight: What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Mr. Schofield: Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?
Michael: That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Mr. Schofield: Uh, ok, sure.
Michael: Good, good, good. I will see you.
Dwight: Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?
Mr. Schofield: Excuse me?
Michael: I color code all my info. I wrote 'gay son' in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means 'Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?' Most colors mean 'Don't say it.'
Dwight: How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?
Michael: I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.
Michael: He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can't make you feel good, then I don't want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads.
Michael: Dwight just got Howard Family Dry Cleaners.
Ryan: Uncle Dave?
Michael: He's undercutting us big time. He's actually taking a loss and paying the difference out of pocket.
Ryan: That's my family. When you mess with my family, I can't be responsible for my actions.
Pam: When are you ever responsible for your actions?
Ryan: Get off my ass, you hag.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Something about that seems inappropriate.
Michael: Betrayal ain't just a river in Egypt.
Andy: Who is that knocking on my taste buds? Why, it's Mr. Lemon. Hmmm, nice to meet you.
Pam: It's good. But won't it feel weird cutting into a cross?
Andy: Don't think of it as a cross in the Judeo-Christian sense, think of it more as a symbol of your lives crossing in marriage.
Jim: When I think of it like that, I do not think of the other connotations.
Andy: Yes!
Pam: I don't think so, Andy.
Jim: Sorry. Her day.
Andy: Hey, bud.
Jim: Are they looking at me?
Andy: Who?
Jim: Everyone. Everyone just keeps looking at me.
Andy: Are you sure?
Jim: Will you just talk to them, please? Pam just knew!


Michael: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.
Michael: [honking horn] Time to make the donuts. [laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van] Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. [does it again] De-nied!
Ryan: We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick.
Michael: Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! [laughs] Hey Pam.
Pam: We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says 'Alleluia Church of Scranton.' in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.
Pam: You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?
Michael: Milk and sugar.
Pam: Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. [drinks from coffee cup] Wait, is this just milk and sugar?
Michael: That's what I said.
Pam: Do you drink this every day?
Michael: Every morning.
Michael: We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20- of those.
Pam: [an Asian lady tries to enter the van] Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church.
Charles: Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?
Jim: Oh, they're my client.
Charles: No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.
Dwight: [sighs] Shame, Jim. I expected more.
Charles: In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.
Stanley: What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.
Charles: I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.
Andy: Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys.
Charles: Why are you telling me this?
Andy: I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.
Charles: Is this something you really want to have said?
Andy: I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it.
Charles: I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-
Dwight: It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired.
Charles: I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh-
Angela: Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not.
Charles: Uh, well said, Angela.
Dwight: Been there, done that.
Michael: You know what we need? We need some couches in here.
Ryan: Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.
Michael: Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.
Pam: Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?
Michael: Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top.
Pam: Yeah, I know what a loft is.
Ryan: Most dorm rooms don't even have that.
Michael: Most do in the magazines.
Ryan: Let's see what a delivery guy costs.
Michael: We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.
David Wallace: Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey.
Jim: Hey, David.
Dwight: David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you.
Charles: There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?
David: A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.
Charles: Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.
David: Hmmm.
Charles: I feel like I should be thanking you.
David: Uh.
Jim: [makes kissing, puckering sound]
Charles: The conference room is ready if we want to get started.
David: You know, I just want to address everyone first.
Charles: Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention.
David: Hi, everyone.
Kelly: Hi.
David: Hi. Uh, look it's no secret-
Kevin: Hi.
David: Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.
Charles: Right.
David: Okay?
Phyllis: Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients.
David: I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please?
Charles: Uh, Jim hold on. [whispers] You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay?
David: Hmm.
Charles: Yeah, Jim-
David: I find that extraordinarily surprising.
Charles: He shows promise and Jim, I don't know- I- he's been a disappointment.
David: We'll bring them both in.
Charles: Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim.
Dwight: Come along, afterthought.
Michael: How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?
Financial Guy: Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct-
Michael: They are correct, sir.
Financial Guy: Then you can't afford to pay him anything.
Michael: Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.
Financial Guy: Your prices are too low.
Michael: Lowest in town.
Financial Guy: Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?
Pam: Corporate greed?
Ryan: Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.
Financial Guy: Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct.
Ryan: Yeah.
Financial Guy: But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.
Michael: Okay, sure. Right, so- why don't you explain what that is to- so that they can under- just explain what that is.
Ryan: Explain what you think that is.
Financial Guy: Okay.
Michael: Explain that.
Financial Guy: As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care...
Michael: Well, we don't-
Financial Guy: ...business expansion-
Michael: Whatever, yeah.
Financial Guy: At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make.
Michael: Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
Financial Guy: They're actually putting you out of business.
Michael: Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.
Ty: It's a program. There's no such thing-
Michael: Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please.
Ty: [presses key on computer] Crunch.
Pam: Did it help?
Michael: Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. [laughs] Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.
Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, 'Drive, kid. I trust you.'
Jim: Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?
Charles: God, no.
Dwight: Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak.
Charles: I agree.
Dwight: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
Jim: Really? Does he do good work or-
Dwight: [scoffs] No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. [sighs]
David: Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out.
Dwight: Five minutes exactly.
Charles: Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you?
Dwight: Sure thing.
Charles: Yeah.
Jim: [opens phone] Hey. I saw you called.
Jim : You're just out of business?
Pam: We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Jim: Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay.
Pam: That's what Michael said.
Jim: Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. [cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying 'Idiot, Idiot, Idiot'] Oh, that's my new 'Dwight' ring.
Pam: I like it.
Jim: Good, right? Hello.
Dwight: [over phone] Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way.
Jim: Oh, okay. [kisses Pam] Don't worry about it.
Michael: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
Pam: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.
Michael: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this.
Pam: You want to hear something sad?
Michael: I would love that.
Pam: So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview.
Ryan: I never went to Thailand.
Pam: Really?
Ryan: I went to Fort Lauderdale.
Michael: Was it nice?
Ryan: Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though.
Michael: I love Pad Thai.
Ryan: You've never had Pad Thai.
Michael: No. There's a lot I haven't done.
Jim: Now, this is the projection over three months?
Charles: We still have the inventory sitting- [everyone starts chattering at once]
Dwight: Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say- can I say something?
David: Yeah, yeah.
Dwight: There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.
David: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer.
Charles: Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out.
Jim: Oh, but you didn't.
Dwight: Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.
Charles: What is wrong with you?
David: Jim, you're- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?
Jim: Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so-
David: Yeah.
Jim: I mean I guess- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.
Dwight: You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this?
Charles: No, Jim... I think you should go.
Jim: Okay, so I'll be back in, um- back in a bit.
Michael: [knocking on door] Hmm?
Jim: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Michael: We're not hiring, Jim.
Jim: Actually here for something else.
Michael: Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.
Jim: You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.
Ryan: Oh, that's nice.
Jim: David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.
Pam: Seriously? Are you being serious?
Ryan: He's bluffing, Pam.
Michael: Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl-
Jim: Oh!
Michael: No- We don't have-
Jim: Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.
Michael: [stammers] Uh... Yes.
Pam: Yes.
Ryan: Maybe.
Jim: Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs.
Michael: Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.
Jim: Missed the last part.
Michael: That's a pun.
Jim: Got it.
Michael: Yep. Oh... wow.
Ryan: Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke.
Michael: Of course not.
Ryan: That we're having any problem at all.
Michael: Nope, nope, nope.
Pam: Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke.
Michael: Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke.
Michael: Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it.
Pam: No, Michael.
Michael: Ah...
Ryan: No, man. You're- you're fine.
Pam: We have to come from a position of strength.
Michael: I'm good, I'm good.
Ryan: Just put it out of your mind.
Michael: It is. I'm good.
Michael: Hello.
Erin: Hi.
Michael: Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables...
David: Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.
Michael: And we are prepared to reject that offer.
Ryan: Michael, you haven't even heard-
Michael: Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?
David: $12,000.00
Michael: Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.
Angela: What do you hear?
Kelly: [mumbles]
David: Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get.
Michael: I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.
David: Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael?
Michael: [stutters] We'll have to talk-
Charles: What?
Ryan: We'll have to talk about this.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Just amongst ourselves.
David: Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time.
Michael: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Pam: $60,000.00
Michael: We are so rich.
Pam: Are you kidding me?
Dwight: Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. [gets up and runs to kitchen] Charles.
Charles: Dwight.
Dwight: May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.
Charles: What? How'd you hear that?
Dwight: They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures.
Jim: Great work Dwight.
Dwight: Quiet you.
Jim: No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?
Dwight: You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.
Charles: So how long can they stay viable?
Jim: What are your top five cases?
Dwight: I'm gonna answer Charles first.
Jim: Because you've solved zero cases.
Dwight: Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.
Charles: Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.
Dwight: Done.
Charles: Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?
Dwight: I'm not- I'm not following you.
Charles: You two are morons.
Jim: Got it.
Dwight: Wh-
Charles: Get out.
David: So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm?
Michael: No.
Pam: Can you give us another minute please?
David: Yeah.
Charles: Oh, okay.
Pam: Michael.
Ryan: How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000.
Pam: Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?
Michael: It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?
Ryan: I would rather have $60,000, honestly.
Pam: No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.
Michael: Agreed?
Pam: Agreed. But that's all, okay.
Ryan: Yeah, discuss these things-
Michael: Shut up, shut up. Hello?
Michael: I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.
Charles: They don't make them anymore.
Michael: And I want Charles gone.
David: I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable.
Charles: That's very kind of you to say, David.
Michael: I need him gone.
David: No.
Michael: Okay, then I want Pam back.
David: Uh, you already have a new receptionist-
Michael: Sales.
Pam: Thank you.
David: Pam's not a salesperson.
Michael: Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday.
Pam: That's right.
David: Okay. Please continue.
Michael: And Ryan.
David: Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is-
Michael: You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.
David: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits-
Michael: And dental this time.
David: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out.
Michael: These are our demands.
David: Your company cannot be worth that much.
Michael: Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
David: Michael-
Michael: That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.
David: Okay. Deal. Okay?
Michael: Can we have the room please?
David: Yeah. [David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds]
Ryan: Yes, yes, yes!
Pam: Alright!
Michael: Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about!
Michael: There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.
Charles: Hey, guys-
Michael: No, no. You're done.