Kevin: At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin's Famous Chili. The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies. It's a recipe passed down from Malone's for generations. It's probably the thing I do best.
Michael: Someone is returning! He started his own company, and now he's back. Who could it be? I'll give you a hint. He is a man. A man you have missed with all your heart. A man who has ruined all other men for you. Who is it?
Ryan: [whispering] Who is it?
Pam: [whispering] Who is it?
Michael: [whispering] It's Michael Scott. [applause; Michael jumps through sign] Hold it up. Conference room, five minutes.
Michael: Well, I guess the first order of business is to welcome back me, and Pam and Ryan. [scattered applause] And how about casual Friday again, huh? Reinstituting casual Friday? You all look great. What I want to do right now is try something a little different. I'm going to throw it out there, starting with this meeting. I want you guys to run it. I want you to say whatever you want, take it away. Your meeting.
Dwight: [after a few moments of silence] Wh-what are you doing?
Michael: If there is something that you would like to say as a group, then by all means, you may say it to me right now.
Angela: Okay.
Michael: Yes.
Angela: People are dressed inappropriately.
Michael: Take it up with Toby. What I want you to do, is I want you to look inward. And I want you to reflect. And I want you to say something different.
Jim: Can you give us a hint?
Michael: When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that.
Michael: Oscar, what were you going to say?
Oscar: Nothing. I didn't say anything.
Michael: All right.
Erin: Do I still have a job here?
Michael: Not important. [everyone mutters] Okay, alright. Yes. Yes, you have a job. Frankly, you have a job because Ryan and Pam are starting with us as salesmen.
Dwight: Wait, what?
Stanley: How is that going to work?
Michael: It's going to work very smoothly, because Pam and Ryan are bringing over a ton of clients from Michael Scott Paper Company and-
Phyllis: You mean the clients you stole from us.
Dwight: Yeah , aren't we getting those clients back?
Michael: No, you lost those clients.
Andy: I call foul, sir.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: You were bought out. So the company then bought out all of the stolen clients.
Michael: Okay, Dwight. Let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can.
Meredith: [to Ryan] Don't fall in love with me, kid.
Pam: [laughs] Boscov's at the Steamtown Mall?
Phyllis: It sure looked good on the mannequin.
Pam: Well, you have good taste.
Phyllis: Well, thanks. I sure wish I had more time to talk to my clients, though.
Pam: What?
Phyllis: Isn't that what you said to a bunch of my clients when you were stealing them? That I didn't have enough time for them?
Pam: Oh, I, um...
Phyllis: Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.
Angela: The man is wearing sandals. I don't need to see Oscar's toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat.
Toby: Can't you just not look at his feet?
Angela: Excuse me? Oh. You're so educated, aren't you Toby? So trained to deal with a hysterical woman. I don't want to look at his feet. [storms off] Do your job!
Toby: Well, I was in the Seminary for a year and dropped out 'cause I wanted to have sex with this girl, Cathy. Followed her to Scranton. Took the first job I could find in H.R. Later she divorced me. So no, I wouldn't say I have a passion for H.R.
Michael: [hands Ryan a soda] There you are, my friend.
Ryan: Oh, thanks, man.
Michael: Pamela.
Pam: Thank, Michael.
Michael: Yep.
Dwight: Fresh hot ink.
Stanley: New File System'.
Dwight: Trust me, Stanley, you're going to want to read this memo very carefully.
Stanley: I am not changing the way I do my files.
Dwight: No, no. This goes for all of you. Believe me, you are going to want to heat my words.
Dwight: When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.
Oscar: I'm sorry you're offended by my shoes, but I am not going to drive home to change.
Toby: I could loan you a pair of socks.
Oscar: No.
Toby: No, they're clean. I was going to wear them to volleyball practice later.
Oscar: I don't think so.
Andy: Andrew Bernard.
Dwight: Okay, what are you still doing at your desk?
Andy: What are you still doing not at your desk?
Dwight: Did you even read the memo?
Andy: All my files are now in reverse alphabetical order-
Dwight: No, you idiot. There is a code embedded in the memo. Listen, you need to round up all the salesmen, except for Ryan and Pam, and get them down to the warehouse pronto.
Andy: Oh, it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
Dwight: Stop doing rhyming poetry. Just tell them, please. God, the simplest thing.
Dwight: We're in crisis mode here, do you understand? The two unqualified so-called salespeople are being favored because they all failed together. And frankly, I'm not convinced that Michael and Pam didn't have a thing going while they were gone.
Jim: Can I address that?
Dwight: No, you're too close.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: Stanley, how do you feel about those two taking your clients?
Stanley: It's not right. I don't like it.
Dwight: He doesn't like it.
Phyllis: You don't take my clients away and give them to a secretary. [sighs] No offense, Jim. I think she's very pretty.
Dwight: Her face is okay, but- Jesus! What -what are you doing here?
Meredith: I don't know. I saw a crowd. I thought there might be a dogfight or something-
Dwight: Get out! We need to do something. I'm thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage.
Phyllis: Those sound too harsh.
Dwight: No, I'm not saying we do those things. I'm saying something like those things.
Jim: Of course. What is like a hostage?
Dwight: Excellent question.
Andy: We could write a strong-worded letter.
Dwight: Words will never be enough.
Jim: Strongly-painted picture.
Dwight: No, pictures are too interpretive.
Jim: Can I just say something? I know that tempers are high, but I think the best way to handle this might be to just talk to Michael directly.
Dwight: Oh. Well, that-that's a great idea, Jim. Oh, I totally see your point. Okay, we'll talk to Michael directly. So uh, meeting is over, I guess. I'll see everyone upstairs.
Jim: Great. See you upstairs.
Dwight: C'mon. [whispers] Guys. Psst, listen. Now is the time for action. I'm talking action-
Pam: That one's great.
Michael: I know.
Ryan: You look so classy in that picture.
Michael: I do? Well-Where is that bowl?
Jim: Hey, you have a second?
Michael: Michael Scott Paper Company only.
Jim: Yeah, I think you're going to want to cool it with that 'cause it's starting to upset the other salesmen.
Michael: Okay, well-
Ryan: Tough.
Michael: I will-no, no. I'll talk to them when they all get back from the bathroom.
Jim: This is awkward to talk about, but there may or may not be-but definitely is-a mutiny forming in the warehouse right now.
Michael: Against who?
Ryan: You. Us.
Pam: What?
Ryan: It's gotta be because they all want their clients.
Michael: The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with.
Michael: Six weeks ago, none of these people wanted to come with me. You two were the only ones with the stones to follow.
Pam: Mm-hmmm.
Michael: That was us, right there.
Pam: We were something else.
Ryan: What you gotta do is you gotta go down to that warehouse and you gotta crack some skulls.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Ryan: Chiklis style.
Michael: Yeah, the Commish.
Ryan: Yes, but Chiklis Shield style. Not Commish style.
Michael: Yeah, yeah. The Shield.
Creed: It's crazy what's going on out there today, huh?
Jim: I know. Yeah, it's...kinda-
Creed: Sometimes it's best just to say out of it.
Jim: That's true. That's right. Yeah.
Creed: Want to play a game?
Michael: Hey gang. Where you been?
Dwight: Lunch.
Michael: Where'd you eat?
Phyllis: A restaurant.
Michael: What'd you have, Stanley?
Andy: I had a salmon salad. With water, no ice. I was going to get a soda, but the waiter talked me out of it. Her name was Flo, she had black hair.
Stanley: I had Mexican food.
Michael: So since you guys already ate, you won't be eating the stuff you brought with you for lunch, will you? [walks into kitchen] Oh, wow, Stanley. Is that egg salad? Andy brought some salmon.
Ryan: That looks great.
Michael: Dwight, is that a meat sandwich? You guys hungry?
Ryan: I can eat.
Michael: I'm going to o have some of this meat sandwich.
Dwight: It's pony.
Michael: Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon?
Andy: Dijonnaise.
Michael: Mmm. Thanks for going out, guys.
Pam: Mmm.
Toby: Hey, Meredith. Can I talk to you privately for a second?
Meredith: About what?
Toby: Your outfit.
Meredith: What? What's wrong with my outfit?
Toby: You-you might consider pulling it down a touch. It's ri-it's riding up a little high.
Meredith: A bunch of prudes. You know, Oscar's allowed to wear sandals, but I'm not allowed to wear open-toed shoes? [pulls down dress, office gasps] Is that how it goes?
Oscar: Meredith, your boob is out.
Meredith: Fine. [pulls dress up, everyone gasps again]
Angela: Meredith, too far!
Kelly: Dammit, Meredith, where are your panties?
Meredith: It's casual day. Happy? [bends over to get a file, exposing herself to the office]
Creed: [playing chess with Jim] No. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do this, I'm gonna do that.
Jim: Well, what if I just do this?
Creed: You don't want to do that.
Jim: I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He's winning. I feel like I'm describing a dream I had.
Ryan: I'm sorry you feel that way, Mr. Bart. Is there anything I can do to make things better?
Dwight: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Ryan: Exactly.
Dwight: That's my client.
Ryan: Exactly. This is your first complaint in ten years.
Dwight: Give me the phone.
Ryan: Things have been generally good.
Dwight: Give me the phone. Tell him Dwight Schrute wants to talk to him.
Ryan: Look, uh, Mr. Bart...
Dwight: Hi, Mr. Bart.
Ryan: At these prices with this service...
Dwight: Hey, it's Dwight here. Give me the phone.
Ryan: You're not gonna find this anywhere else.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute here. Hey, don't hang up.
Ryan: No, no, no. Sir, don't listen.
Dwight: I know times are tough right now, and I laud your thriftiness. [tries to pull phone out of Ryan's hand] Ryan!
Phyllis: Ryan, hand the phone over.
Ryan: Stop flustering me, everybody!
Stanley: Who let this boy on the phone?
Dwight: Ah! Mr. Bart! Ugh! [slams phone down[ I cannot believe you lost that account. He was my client for ten years!
Pam: You made him lose the account by screaming at him the entire time. It's okay, Ryan.
Dwight: You're a secretary! What do you know?
Ryan: Okay.
Dwight: And you're a temp and I'm taking your phone. I'm confiscating this.
Michael: Hey, hey guys. You know what I want you to do? Shake hands, get over it. That was not a shake, Dwight.
Dwight: We want our clients back or we quit, Michael.
Michael: Who quits?
Phyllis: Me.
Stanley: And me.
Andy: Me too.
Michael: You guys gotta be kidding.
Dwight: No, we gotta be deadly serious. We'll start our own paper company. The Schrute-Bernard-Lapin-Vance...Stanley Paper Company.
Michael: I love it. I love this idea, and I fully support you. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give you some seed money. [throws money at Phyllis] There you go. There's some seed money for you. And you can take it, no hard feelings. But if you stay, I want an apology, and I want a big one.
Stanley: You want us to apologize to you?
Michael: Yes I do.
Andy: That's completely backwards.
Michael: It's frontward's.
Phyllis: Michael, you thought you were attacking corporate, but we were the ones who got hurt. You should be apologizing to us.
Stanley: That's right.
Dwight: Right.
Phyllis: Michael, you always said we were a family. Then you went after us.
Michael: No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways. From my point of view, from their point of view...98 others. And the bottom line, I am in the wrong. I'm the bad guy.
Michael: I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing.
Dwight: Gasp. Are you talking about a secret meeting?
Michael: Whatever you guys did earlier.
Dwight: I don't know that first things about secret meetings.
Michael: Just do it, okay?
Dwight: I'll do-
Michael: Get 'em there. Get 'em there.
Dwight: I'll do the best I can.
Michael: Are you kidding me?
Dwight: Deceit does not come easy to me.
Michael: Okay, okay, okay.
Erin: I really love your outfit.
Kelly: Thank you so much for saying that. I can't believe that Toby thinks this is inappropriate.
Erin: You look like J-Lo.
Michael: So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart, I am sorry.
Stanley: Are you giving us our clients back?
Michael: If we could just focus and go down the line, and everyone would say, 'apology accepted', I think we would all feel better. And then we can break out my gift to you-complimentary white chocolate bark.
Stanley: Nobody likes that stuff except for you.
Michael: They wouldn't make it unless people liked it.
Phyllis: Michael, just give us our clients back. That's all we care about.
Michael: Okay. If I give you your clients back there won't be enough clients for Ryan and Pam, and I promised both of them they were gonna be salespeople.
Stanley: So?
Michael: Fine, have your clients. I can see that's what you wanted all along. [everyone mutters 'okay'] However, I rescind my apology.
Dwight: That's fair.
Michael: You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.
Darryl: What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?
Ryan: Michael gave all of our clients back to their old salespeople, so now there's not enough for both me and Pam to stay on.
Pam: He can only keep one of us as a salesperson now. He'll make his decision by the end of the day.
Ryan: I think you should get it. You really grew into it.
Pam: Oh. I think you should get it. You've changed a lot and you'd be good at it.
Ryan: If you really think that, will you tell that to Michael? That would go a long way coming from you.
Pam: Yeah.
Ryan: Thanks.
Creed: So hey, I'm want to set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.
Michael: Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Jim: Sure. Let me just finish this turn.
Michael: [puts Scrabble pieces on board] And Bingo was his name. Let's go.
Creed: Challenge.
Michael: I need your help. This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head.
Jim: I don't want to be biased, but I am very close to Ryan. You know that.
Michael: You're close with Pam too.
Jim: Eh, she's nice, I guess. You know what? Best thing to do, Pros and Cons list.
Michael: Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he's my number one choice.
Jim: Well, that's-
Michael: I like his hair.
Jim: Cons, Ryan. He defrauded the company. He has never made a sale.
Michael: Okay.
Jim: He definitely stole my iPod.
Michael: That sounds pretty biased.
Jim: You didn't hear my pros. Environmentally-conscious 'cause his mom drives him to work everyday.
Michael: Okay. Pam, pros.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Michael: I like her. I think that she is a fast learner. Cons, she doesn't always follow through. Sh-New York and the whole art school thing. And Roy. She has a weird voice.
Jim: That's not true.
Michael: I don't need to tell you that.
Jim: I think she'd be a really good salesperson.
Michael: I don't think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven't said one bad thing about Pam.
Jim: And I won't.
Michael: Okay. So be it, then you've lost credibility. And I'm going to go with my guy, and that's Ryan.
Jim: All right. You're right, sometimes when she's tired, she can be a little bit shrill. But that's not a weird voice.
Michael: Oh, wow! Whoa!
Jim: Take it easy.
Michael: Ho-ho, man! Wow. [in a high-pitched voice] Honey! I want you to bring the garbage out. 'Cause I'm not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garba-
Michael: I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.
Andy: You don't understand clothing, Toby. You're dressed like this amorphous blob of khaki.
Toby: All right, look, what you gotta understand is that when you come to work, you give up certain rights.
Dwight: Listen up, Flenderson. You're being weak and ineffectual. I'm cowboying this meeting, okay? Here are the new rules. Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.
Toby: All right, come. Sit down, Dwight.
Dwight: No.
Toby: I'm running this meeting.
Dwight: That's debatable.
Toby: It's not. It's not. Sit down or I am writing you up.
Meredith: Ooh, where has this guy been?
Toby: Casual Fridays are cancelled. [everyone protests] Let's just not do it anymore.
Andy: You're running from the problem.
Toby: There's not a single appropriate outfit in this whole-except mine, quite honestly.
Michael: Pam, can you come in here, please? Have a seat. [clears throat] Well, there's no easy way of saying this. So I think I will just...drag it out. Since the dawn of time there has been-
Pam: Just tell me.
Michael: I gave Ryan the sales job. There just weren't enough clients for the two of you. So I had to-
Pam: No, okay.
Michael: I'm sorry, sorry.
Pam: Okay, I get it. [Michael laughs] Why are you giggling? Is this a joke? [Michael continues to laugh] Michael, is this- did I get the job?
Michael: [laughing] Yes, you did.
Pam: I did?
Michael: Yep.
Pam: For real, you're not kidding?
Michael: No, you-no.
Pam: I did?
Michael: No, you're the best person for the job. You're going to be great.
Pam: Oh, Michael, thank you. Thank you.
Michael: [laughing] Oh, oh!
Pam: Thank you. You will not be sorry.
Michael: You should have seen your face. Oh man! Oh, that was classic.
Pam: Oh. [laughing] I really thought I didn't get it.
Michael: Oh, really?
Pam: Yeah. 'Cause you said I didn't
Michael: Oh, man. That was really good. That was really good.
Pam: What about Ryan?
Michael: I don't know, I offered him his temp job back. We'll see. He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn't get the job, so-
Pam: Yeah. Maybe you shouldn't fake fire people anymore.
Michael: I don't appreciate you telling me what to do. So clean out your desk, you are through here.
Pam: Thanks, Michael.
Michael: Oh! What's our receptionists name?
Pam: Erin.
Michael: Could you send her in?
Pam: [opens door] Erin. Michael wants to see you.
Michael: Hello.
Erin: Hi.
Michael: Have a seat.
Michael: This is very difficult to say, but no one here like you in the office and we are going to have to let you go. [pick up phone] Hank, could you come up here please? Hank is our security guard-
Erin: Oh, I can go.
Michael: He will be ushering you out. [starts laughing]
Erin: Oh!
Michael: Oh, your face! Oh!
Erin: Is-do the people-
Michael: No, I'm kidding. No, you're not-you're not fired. Yet.
Erin: Oh!
Michael: Oh...
Erin: Do they not like me, though?
Michael: I don't know, actually.
Erin: Okay.


Erin: Oh my God! I can't believe it! I jut won an art contest! [Erin screams, Pam and Jim look at each other, Dwight, laughing, gets up and hands her some money]
Erin: [whispering] Thanks. I still don't understand why you wanted me to say that.
Dwight: Shut up.
Dwight: [laughs hysterically] I got her!
Pam: Not cool, Dwight. [Dwight continues laughing]
Jim: Not cool. [Dwight still laughing]
Michael: [caught by camera crew dancing to 'At the Car Wash', but laughing] Oh, no. I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company, so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Tip-toeing around corporate - it is a ballet. When I am breaking all the rules, I am break dancing. And expresso.
Michael: Guys, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I think I'm growing into a giant. Because look at this normal sized coffee cup. Looks so tiny in my giant hand now. Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on?
Dwight: I do.
Michael: Okay. How about a woman? Pam?
Pam: Oh, I can't do lunch. I was just sending you an email. Jim and I need to leave early today to meet with our contractor.
Michael: Oh, really? Ok.
Pam: Just sent it.
Michael: What about the rest of you? [complete silence]
Michael: At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I don't know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down, but at the Michael Scott Paper Company I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan everyday. So, rules be damned, I wanna have lunch with these people.
Michael: Who else? Who else? Ryan?
Ryan: I don't do lunch. I'm eating five small meals a day now.
Ryan: Now that I'm back to doing the job of a temp, again, I find that food is one thing I can control.
Michael: Ok. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me.
Angela: No. I don't want to stay late to have a two hour lunch.
Phyllis: Michael, we have a lot of work to do.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Work.
Michael: Ugh! God! What happened to you people? [talking like a robot] We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work.
Pam: If you don't take out his battery, he just keeps going all day.
Pam: Oh, no. Your battery fell out.
Michael: [still talking like a robot] I... was just learning... to... love.
Erin: Hi, guys. How you doing?
Dwight: Erin, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to ask us how we are doing every time you interact with us.
Erin: Right. I'm sorry.
Dwight: [sighs] Now, how can I help you?
Erin: Did somebody here leave a map in the printer to Youngstown, Ohio?
Dwight: Attention, office. Who here is planning a trip to Youngstown, Ohio? I will take your silence to mean that you are all hiding something. This location is the Superior Court -
Pam: So someone is going to a court. Big deal.
Dwight: It is a big deal. Cause there's only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learner's permit at age 14 and a half instead of 15. Erin, let me see your birth certificate.
Erin: Sure.
Jim: There are other reasons to go to Ohio.
Pam: We're getting married today.
Jim: So, it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license without a 3 day waiting period.
Pam: Tell 'em how it happened.
Jim: Ok. So, we're going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated.
Pam: And very expensive.
Jim: Very expensive. Cause you say you want a small wedding and that's great but then you have to invite -
Pam: You can't leave anyone out.
Jim: No one.
Pam: Ok, just get to the good part.
Jim: Ok. Right. Oh, so this morning we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, ' You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you.'
Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.
Erin: Michael? Michael sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here? Do you want these down here now?
Michael: No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh.
Erin: Well, I like to swim.
Michael: That's good.
Erin: You have a cool place to come hang.
Michael: If you ever want to come down here, door's always open, lock's broken, so...
Erin: Thanks.
Michael: Come on in. Hey, hey, hey. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah.
Erin: Wow.
Michael: Now you got it.
Erin: Now I do got it.
Michael: Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso?
Erin: Oh, yeah.
Michael: You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
Erin: That's rule #1.
Michael: Ok. I love it. I love it.
Erin: Whew.
Michael: I love it.
Michael: Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts. There's no reason to be scared. The bad man is gone.Charles is gone.
Michael: Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster's People just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don't know. It's like [pause] Dave died or something.
Michael: Daddy's here and daddy is going to take care of you.
Oscar: Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.
Michael: I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo.
Andy: [baby voice] Wittle Andy is afwaid.
Michael: Andy's afwaid?
Andy: Yes.
Michael: Are you all afwaid?
Dwight: No.
Michael: Daddy's here for you. My wittle angels. Ok. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk.
Pam: What?
Michael: Funk is the problem and the solution.
Jim: That makes sense.
Michael: I've taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see.
Oscar: Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you?
Michael: Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it.
Dwight: [Jack Nicholson impression] All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.
Meredith: This is like a haunted coffeehouse thing?
Michael: No. Dwight is confusing you. That - it's, it's more of a disco.
Andy: It's like a haunted disco.
Michael: ... with coffee but without the haunted.
Phyllis: It's a combo dance house coffee bar.
Michael: It's a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building.
Erin: It's a cafe disco.
Michael: Exactly.
Kevin: So, like, a disco cafe?
Michael: Wha - No. No. Not even close. I can't force you to go down but I can entice you. I'm gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time... and all-you-can-eat espresso.
Michael: Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you.
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: Holdin' down the fort.
Kevin: Yeah. This place is great.
Michael: Thank you.
Angela: Oh, my God, Kevin. I am still on hold. You were supposed to get the answer from Michael and come back up.
Kevin: I'm sorry.
Michael: This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei.
Kevin: Yeah. Respect the lei.
Angela: Come.
Michael: Kevin, stay.
Angela: Kevin, come.
Michael: Kevin, stay.
Angela: Kevin, come.
Michael: Stay, stay.
Angela: Come on, right now.
Michael: Cookie. Kevin, cookie.
Angela: Ugh. There is no cookie, Kevin.
Kevin: [to Michael] Is there a cookie?
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Angela: Wha -
Michael: Come on.
Angela: Oh, for goodness sakes, Kevin. There's no cookie. There's no cookie. Come on. Come.
Kevin: I wanted a cookie.
Angela: Completely unacceptable.
Michael: Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster.
Andy: [Michael is holding the stereo speaker up to a vent - blaring '[Gonna Make You Sweat] Everybody Dance Now', spins in chair] Oww!
Phyllis: Aw, what the hell? [goes to Vance Refrigeration] Hi, Jessica. Is Bob in?
Jessica: Oh, he's on a call.
Phyllis: Oh, I'll just duck my head in.
Jessica: It's pretty important. He wouldn't want to be disturbed. Can I give him a message before he gets off?
Phyllis: Tell him I'm going dancing downstairs in the storage closet between the bathrooms that used to be a utility shower and he should join me there.
Jessica: I'll let him know.
Phyllis: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: Phyllis?
Phyllis: Hi.
Michael: Hey!
Phyllis: Hey. I like.
Michael: [starts dancing with Phyllis] Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude.
Phyllis: Oh! Mother ******!
Michael: Oh, God! No! No! No! No! No!
Phyllis: Back!
Michael: Oh, wow! What did you do?
Phyllis: [moans in pain]
Michael: You didn't do that. You're ok. You're ok. Let's lie down. You want to go down? Alright.
Phyllis: Wow! Sorry!
Michael: Ok. That's ok. That's not a problem. Ok, sweetie.
Dwight: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I got your text. Who's Phillip?
Michael: No. No. No.
Dwight: Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?
Phyllis: It's my back.
Michael: It's her back. We just - We need - Let's - You know what?
Phyllis: Call a doctor.
Michael: We're going to take care of you. We're gonna get you help. Let's - come on.
Phyllis: No. Call Bob.
Michael: Oh, no. No. No. This is no good.
Dwight: Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries.
Michael: I don't need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?
Dwight: What do you think history is?
Michael: It's just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat.
Michael: [barging through office door] Alright. Here we go.
Dwight: Out of the way! Move it or lose it!
Michael: You having fun?
Erin: Oh, my God! What happened?
Michael: What? Oh, just having to much fun. Phyllis, we're going to put you in here. Dwight's going to take care of you.
Phyllis: What? No. I thought we were going to the hospital.
Dwight: You want to get sick you go to the hospital.
Michael: Ok, Dwight. Ok. Good. I do not want anyone to worry.
Oscar: What happened to Phyllis?
Michael: Oh, you know. Nohting. She's - we were hanging out at Cafe Disco and she had a flare up of am existing injury. But she's a tough, old bird. So...
Angela: Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations were in we hurt ourselves?
Michael: Ok. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I don't think she would trade that memory for anything. [Phyllis can be heard screaming in the backgroud]
Stanley: I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense.
Michael: You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin?
Erin: Yes.
Michael: I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down.
Erin: Like unplug the coffee machine and bring it up here.
Michael: I don't care. Bury it. I hope you're happy.
Dwight: [exits the conference room in an undershirt] I'm gonna need two able bodied men.
Kelly: Cafe Disco? More like Crappe Disco.
Erin: You're bad. [they turn off the lights and turn on music - start dancing]
Vance Refrigeration Guy 1: There's girl in there.
Vance Refrigeration Guy 2: Where?
VRG 1: The other room?
VRG 2: What other room?
VRG 1: Down the hall.
VRG 2: There's girls in there?
VRG 1: What'd I just say?
VRG 2: You have another sandwich?
VRG 1: Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls.
Michael: I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner.
Dwight: You comfy? Alright? Alright. Relax. Relax, ok?
Phyllis: Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight: Come on. Relax. The shirt wasn't doing you any favors. If my assessment in correct, you grind your teeth?
Phyllis: I do.
Dwight: No kidding! She sits three feet from me. It's the most annoying thing. [mimics grinding teeth] It's like children singing Christmas carols.
Andy: Yeah! I love the vibe down here.
Erin: Ashley! You made it!
Oscar: You invited someone?
Erin: Oh, yeah. Was I not allowed to do that?
Oscar: I've been here 8 years and I've never... [Erin walks away] Rude.
Andy: I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance off. Alright!
Michael: Cafe Disco is dead but I can still hear the music in my head.
Creed: I hear it, too, Boss.
Michael: It's better than I imagined it!
Phyllis: That feels good, Dwight.
Dwight: Tell me where it hurts.
Phylis: Right... mmmm... right there.
Dwight: Oh yeah. you've got a knot in your crest. This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations. and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. they were wrong. He came in 9th in the Apple Creek Derby and his jerky came in 3rd the following year. A majestic beast. So fast. So tender.
Michael: Welcome, welcome! Cafe Disco. I am Michael Scott.
Erin: Hey, Angela! Welcome to -
Angela: Stop!
Michael: Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance?
Angela: No. I didn't come down here to get wet and wild. I just need you to sign these.
Michael: Oh. Alright. There you go.
Angela: No. You need to sign them all.
Michael: No. No. No. Here is the deal - one signature for every song.
Angela: Look, I hate to be 'that' person but I just don't like the general spirit of music.
Michael: I know. I know, Angela. A lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance. If these walls could tale they would say, ' This is a magical place! You are safe here. We have talking walls. We're not going to eat you.' [Angela shows Michael the papers again] No.
Dwight: This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water resistant, as well as traps heat. Now I need you to lie still for an hour.
Phyllis: An hour? I can't stay here an hour.
Dwight: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, girl. Whoa. Whoa.
Creed: Boss, this used to hang from my windshield but it belongs in here.
Michael: Hey, thank you, Creed. you're really getting this place.
Creed: No problem. I'll just have no idea who's driving behind me now.
Dwight: I'm gonna with the python.
Phyllis: But the rattler's so scary.
Dwight: No. Please. I find the rattle soothing. It puts me to sleep.
Phyllis: I think Bob is gonna cheat on me with his new secretary. [she starts to giggle]
Dwight: What's so funny?
Phyllis: When I say it out loud it's so silly. [they both laugh]
Michael: Hey! Hey! Angela, no! No cleaning up!
Angela: You are forcing me to be down here. Am I not allowed to have some fun?
Michael: No... cleaning... up.
Jim: [waiting outside the bathroom for Pam, he is holding a hand-picked bouquet of flowers and pacing] These are for you.
Pam: They're beautiful.
Jim: You ready?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: We should probably stop by. It'd mean a lot to him.
Michael: Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? It's really happening.
Phyllis: Wanna dance, Dwight?
Dwight: Ordinarily I would say no but you need to move to reduce lactic acid build-up. Also, this song is fantastic.
Bob Vance: Mind if I steal my wife?
Dwight: You can't steal what is legally your property.
Bob Vance: Are those staples?
Andy: This dance competition is not over.
Kelly: What dance competition? I was just dancin' casual with my friends, y'all.
Michael: You guys are the best for coming. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I understand.
Jim: We're gonna stay.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah. At least for one more dance.
Michael: Oh, no. Not me. Not me. Get out of here. Cafe Disco! [Dwight hits Michael in ear] Hey! Come on, man. It's not even to 'Y'.
Pam: This is so cheesy.
Jim: Yes.
Pam: I like cheesy.
Jim: Me, too.
Pam: Yeah. I think maybe I want a 'wedding' wedding.
Jim: Me, too.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Would you like to dance?
Angela: No. [Camera pans to down to show her swinging her foot to the music]
Andy: Yeah. No. Well, ok.
Kelly: Stop squirming.
Andy: Well, stop trying to poke me with a sharp thing.
Kelly: You wanted to do this. Just be brave.
Andy: I, I - but you're not a professional and I'm thinking maybe we should have gone to a professional.
Kelly: I'm doing it. No. I'm doing it for free. You have to stop squirming otherwise I'm gonna mess up.
Andy: Are you sure that's not the 'gay' ear?
Kelly: Gay ear? Are you 12 years old?
Andy: Well, I...
Kelly: Look, I'm gonna count to 3.
Andy: Count to twen - count to twenty.
Kelly: No. I'm gonna count to 3.
Andy: K
Kelly: 1... 2... 3
Andy: Agh! Son of a bitch!
Kelly: Andy, that was just the ice.
Andy: It was?
Kelly: Yeah. It was.
Lynn: Hey, Kevin.
Kevin: Hi. Did you have bacon for breakfast?
Lynn: No.
Kevin: Oh...cause you smell like bacon.
Lynn: I didn't think I did. How's everything going?
Kevin: Tight. I'm going down the hall to this office to see Michael - there's free espressos.
Lynn: Oh.
Kevin: I would invite you but I remember that you just want to be friends.
Lynn: We can still...
Kevin: Are you sure that you didn't eat bacon?
Lynn: Yes.
Kevin: Oh. Whatever it is I like it. Bye.
Lynn: Yes, I had some bacon this morning. I just didn't think it was anyone's business.
Kevin: I love the smell of bacon on a woman.
Kevin: Hey, Lynn, it's Kevin. I was thinking about going and getting a coffee at the Cafe Disco, wondering if you want to go with. Bye. Angela, my stomach is really hurting.
Oscar: Just go down, Kevin.
Michael: My grandpa was the funnest guy I ever knew. He would sing. He would dance. He would...fall down. But then...he started going to these meetings and everything changed. He...stopped going out at night. He got a job. The fun just dried up. It was really sad. I don't want that to happen to you guys. I'm not gonna let it happen.
Stanley: How did I end up back in Crazytown?
Dwight: It is hard to imagine you playing softball.
Phyllis: I was all-county my junior and senior years.
Dwight: Oh yeah? Big deal. I once hit three home runs against Little Flower Catholic.
Phyllis: The girls school?
Dwight: I played high school softball. Notice I didn't say 'girls' high school softball. Not after the landmark case of Shrute vs. the Lackawanna County Board of Education.That was one case the Pennsylvania Supreme Court got right. I hit the ball right over the protest banners.
Dwight: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I love Ohio. Next time you're there say 'Hi' to my cousin Amel and then kick him in the groin area because he's a cheat and a ball hog. And if he's still married to Clarissa, kick her in the groin area, too. 'Cause she's a heart breaking tart...and a ball hog.


Erin: [phone rings, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up- gets back.
Jim: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes.
Jim: [whispering] Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?
Pam: [whispering] I can do it.
Dwight: [whispering] What do you need from me?
Dwight: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs heartily] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
Michael: [mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office]
Dwight: [changing the clock in Michael's car] Like clockwork.
Jim: [silently counting] Three, two, one... [Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly]
Michael: [wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What's so funny?
Pam: You had to be there.
Michael: Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.
Michael: See you later!
Dwight: Bye Michael! [all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire] Yeah!
Jim: [at company picnic] All right, you ready for this?
Pam: Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Wait, should I have left the car running? [both laugh]
Pam: Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics.
Jim: Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?
Pam: Tell them what happened last year.
Jim: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
Pam: No, no, that guy who hit on me.
Jim: Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Pam: Yeah, you don't grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance.
Jim: Well...
Dwight: I'm gonna say 30.
Rolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
Dwight: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.
Rolph: Woah. Homemade?
Dwight: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh]
Dwight: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
Kevin: Michael, isn't that Holly?
Michael: We're just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.
Holly: Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here.
Michael: Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right.
Holly: All right.
Michael: All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey.
Holly: Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?
Michael: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.
AJ: Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.
Holly: Lemonade sounds great.
Michael: Okay.
AJ: I'd love an iced tea, actually.
Michael: You can go to hell. [laughs] I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.
Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: 'Holly, you and I are soup snakes.' The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.
Charles: Jim. Pam.
Jim: Hey, how are you?
Pam: Hey Charles.
Charles: Nice day, huh?
Jim: Yeah.
Charles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away]
Jim: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.
Pam: Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Jim: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.
Dwight: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Jim: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.
Dwight: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!
Andy: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?
Dwight: Why? I don't understand.
Andy: If-
Dwight: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.
Andy: Uh... [laughs sheepishly]
Dwight: I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.
Andy: That's...
Dwight: Sly dog.
Andy: ... not what I meant.
Dwight: Come on, folks!
Michael: What is up with you two, Holly?
Holly: Um, not much.
AJ: We're designing a house.
Michael: Cool. For who?
AJ: For us.
Michael: Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.
Holly: I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs]
AJ: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist.
Michael: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.
Holly: Okay, yeah.
AJ: You guys are really gonna do this?
Michael: You bet your fat ass we are.
Michael: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.
Holly: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.
Michael: That's right.
Holly: [in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!
Michael: Newspapers for sale!
Andy: [playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.
Man: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.
Andy: Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You're doing great, by the way.
Erin: Thanks.
Kevin: [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses]
Dwight: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!
Andy: Are you blind?!
Dwight: I could've gotten that, idiot!
Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Dwight: It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!
Phyllis: We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.
Dwight: [grunts in frustration]
Dwight: [playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game] Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net.
Woman: So what?
Dwight: Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?
Pam: Back off, Dwight. [serves] Hyuh! [the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers] What?
Pam: Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers.
Pam: [serves] Hyuh! [other team misses and Scranton cheers] Well, look at that, we win!
Jim: Nice job, Beesly.
Dwight: Yes! We advance to the next round!
Phyllis: Oh, Lord in heaven.
Stanley: [to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs]
Michael: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.
Holly: Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?
Michael: [watching her eat] What?
Holly: Do you have a script for the sketch, or...
Michael: Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?
Holly: Crystal cool.
Dwight: [playing volleyball] Hit it Andy!
Andy: Bump! I bumped it!
Kevin: Set!
Dwight: Don't set it to yourself!
Kevin: [Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers] Yeah!
Phyllis: Ow, my ankle!
Dwight: What happened?
Phyllis: I... twisted it.
Dwight: You weren't even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub!
Angela: I can play.
Rolph: Is there a... Meredith here?
Meredith: Yeah! Man in!
Angela: Rolph, did you not hear me?
Rolph: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!
Michael: We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Holly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future.
Michael: Oh!
Holly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. [both laugh]
Michael: Could we get a Delorean?
Holly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Michael: Oh! [to the theme of 'Jaws'] Dun-der. Dun-der...
Holly: Dun-der. Dun-der...
Michael: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh]
Holly: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.
Michael: No. No.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: We're circling it.
Holly: Hmm...
David: [playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!
Charles: Yes we are!
Rolph: You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Dwight: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval]
Rolph: It's true!
Toby: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.
Kendall: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.
Toby: Really, really funny.
Kendall: Really funny.
Dwight: Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. [they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug]
Oscar: Settle down gentlemen.
Pam: Good game!
David: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.
Michael: [shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it's a sketch now.
David: Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause]
Michael: And now, presenting...
Both: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter]
Michael: [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs]
Holly: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?
Michael: Yes, I am.
Holly: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?
Michael: Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.
Holly: That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael]
Michael: [screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!
Holly: [now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you'll get in?
Michael: Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.
Holly: I'm Robert Dunder.
Michael: I'm Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience's response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs]
Holly: Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!
Michael: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.
Holly: That is correct!
Michael: Yes!
Stanley: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.
Holly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!
Michael: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!
Holly: That is correct!
Man from Buffalo: [over crowd of murmurs] What is he talking about?
Holly: [pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?!
Michael: David Wallace told me!!
Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true?
David: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...
Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?
Holly: They didn't know?
Michael: [whispers] I guess not.
David: I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.
Woman from Buffalo: And?
David: We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch.
Man from Buffalo: [over shouts of protest] You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. [Michael and Holly bow]
David: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
Michael: Well... I didn't know they didn't know.
David: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, 'oh, this would be really funny.'
Michael: Thank you.
David: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, 'is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?'
Michael: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.
Meredith: Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.
Dwight: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.
Pam: How do you figure?
Dwight: Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.
Oscar: Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.
Pam: Let's do this.
Andy: [playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers]
Charles: Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I've been up for a while.
Kevin: It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin]
Angela: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?
Rolph: Here's an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore.
Dwight: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.
Rolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-
Dwight: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-
Rolph: No way! You don't mean that!
Dwight: Rolph, leave it alone!
Erin: [hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah!
Pam: [running for the ball] I got it!
Dwight: Pam!
Pam: [falls] Oof!
Jim: You all right?
Pam: Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine.
Jim: You sure?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Hey, easy, easy...
Charles: Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at.
Pam: No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second.
Charles: I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?
David: Yeah.
Jim: All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player.
Charles: Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health.
Jim: No, uh-
Pam: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go!
Charles: Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot.
Dwight: [whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em.
Charles: I guess that's it for you, Jim.
Jim: All right, you know what? [picks Pam up and carries her off the court] Let's do this.
Pam: We'll be back!
Dwight: Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! [kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly] I'll get it. [walks slowly toward the woods]
Michael: Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.
Holly: Hindsight.
Michael: Should've had hindsight.
Holly: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?
Michael: I think it went well. I think it was good.
Holly: There weren't any laughs.
Michael: No, it was a tough audience.
Holly: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.
Michael: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.
Holly: Well, I'm glad we did it.
Michael: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.
Holly: I can't wait.
Jim: [on the phone] Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something!
Nurse: To be safe, we should do an x-ray.
Pam: How long will that take?
Nurse: Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...
Pam: I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to.
Nurse: Oh good, because my next question was 'do you have a game to get back to.'
Holly: What'd you think?
AJ: I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but...
Michael: Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch.
Holly: [laughs] Okay. So good to see you.
Michael: Good to see you. [they hug] AJ.
AJ: Michael. [they shake hands]
Michael: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.
David: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.
Charles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?
Dwight: Okay. Fine.
Charles: All right! Come on.
Dwight: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?
Andy: Dwight.
Dwight: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?
David: Dwight.
Dwight: Seven? Can I finish please?
David: Okay.
Dwight: Eight?
Jim: [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! [laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam]


Michael: [enters office, somersaults onto couch, kicks over painting and lamp] Parkour!
Dwight & Andy: [rush into office, Andy climbs on reception desk, Dwight holds video camera]
Andy: Parkour!
Dwight: [walking on Pam's desk, then Jim's desk] Extreme! Parkour!
Jim: This... is Parkour. [turns laptop to camera, shows Parkour instructional video] Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. [Michael is shown climbing/walking on various objects in office] The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing Parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.
Dwight: [stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films, Meredith is seen applying deodorant in women's bathroom]
Dwight & Andy: [approaching elevator, as Michael films] Parkour! Parkour!
Dwight: Andy! Leapfrog! [Andy leapfrogs Dwight]
Andy: Do me! Do me!
Dwight: Yeah! [Dwight jumps on Andy's back, riding him like a horse] Parkour! Parkour!
Andy: Ow! Get off! Get off!
Dwight: Okay.
Andy & Michael: [walking across cars in parking lot, Dwight filming] Parkour! Parkour!
Dwight: [crouching beside car] Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera! [Michael feebly attempts to jump off car, gives double thumbs up to camera]
Michael: [standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy, looking down] Okay, we all go together or we go one at a time.
Andy: Here it is, here it is... truck, to refrigerators, to dumpster, [camera pans to refrigerator boxes, then dumpster] 360 onto the pallets, backflip gainer to the trash can.
Michael & Dwight: [in unison] Yeah! Gainer! Woohoo!
Andy: [to Michael's camera] Hardcore Parkour!
Michael: Parkoooooour!
Dwight: Let's do it!
Andy: [leaps from trailer, disappears into empty refrigerator box]
Michael & Dwight: [look down, appearing shocked and concerned]
Andy: [inside refrigerator box, sounding injured] Parkour!
Dwight: [on telephone] Good. Excellent. Thank you.
Female Intern: [hands Dwight a cup of water] There you go. Is there anything else I can do?
Dwight: [chugs water, throws away cup] Yes. Umm... see those files behind Kevin's desk?
Female Intern: [nods] Mm hmm.
Dwight: Go put them all in random order.
Female intern: [confused] Mm-kay.
Dwight: Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order.
Pam: This is the last day of our summer interns. It's been nice. We haven't had interns for a while, ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. [interns are shown gathered around Kelly's desk, one holding a box of tissues, as Kelly cries and wipes tears] He didn't do anything sexual. [female intern opens a jar of salsa for Michael] He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky jokes. [Meredith rubs her breasts into Maurie's back] It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program.
Meredith: [to Oscar, motioning to male intern and female intern] Think she did him?
Oscar: I bet there's something there. I was with them in the kitchen yesterday, and they were all too happy to be cleaning the freezer.
Kelly: If they get married before I do, I'm going to kill myself.
Michael: [entering break room] Who's getting married?
Pam: Nobody.
Michael: If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm gonna start screaming.
Kelly: It's Eric and Megan.
Michael: Oh! Hey, I hired them! Matchmaker! This place is like Spaniard Fly.
Phyllis: They're not getting married. It's just talk.
Michael: Did everybody know about this but me?
Phyllis: There's nothing to know, it's just gossip.
Michael: [shaking head disgustedly] Okay... okay. [leaves room]
Pam: [talking head with Jim] We haven't told anyone I'm pregnant.
Jim: Well, with her being unmarried... knocked up by some guy, I mean the yakity-yaks in this office would have a field day.
Pam: Yeah, we don't want them at the wedding thinking Jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgum.
Jim: Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun?
Pam: Nope.
Jim: No shotgun... 'cause that changes everything.
Pam: Can't back out now, Halpert.
Jim: What are you gonna do about it? There's no shotgun, so... free at last, free at last!
Pam: No, keep it up.
Michael: [approaches Dwight's desk] You'll never guess what I know.
Dwight: [typing] Okay, let me finish this thought.
Michael: Eric likes Megan.
Dwight: [still typing] He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well.
Michael: [annoyed] How do you know this?
Dwight: [still typing] People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones. And... boom. [finishes typing, turns to face Michael] Okay, what is it, what can't I guess?
Michael: I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist? I should've known. Poopball?
Michael: [to Maurie, the Asian intern] Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said 'The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.'
Maurie: What are you talking about?
Michael: I'm talking about your group date with Megan and Eric.
Maurie: At Tink's?
Michael: Yes
Maurie: How'd you know about that?
Michael: Well...
Maurie: Did Stanley tell you?
Michael: [confused] Stanley was on your group date?
Maurie: No, Stanley was with his wife. I waved at him, but he didn't wave back.
Michael: [laughs] Does anybody else know about this?
Maurie: No.
Michael: [laughs, looks to camera excitedly]
Michael: There he goes. There he goes. [Stanley gets up from his desk, walks into kitchen area]
Michael: So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything?
Dwight, Jim & Pam: [stare blankly at Michael]
Michael: Nothing? Well I got a little somethin' somethin'. I don't know if I should say...
Pam: Just keep it to yourself then.
Michael: Stanly is having a midlife crisis.
Dwight: Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.
Michael: Well apparently, he and his wife were out dancing at a club for young people.
Phyllis: Teri's out of town, Michael.
Michael: Who?
Phyllis: Teri, Stanley's wife. She's at an interior decorating expo in Philly. Stanley hates crowds, kids, and music. I think you should check your facts.
Michael: [starts to speak, says nothing, walks away]
Michael: [entering break room, to Maurie] You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up.
Maurie: What are you talking about?
Michael: Stanley's wife is out of town.
Maurie: He was with somebody.
Eric: He was definitely with somebody.
Michael: Oh, was he? Well who, his sister?
Eric: [chuckles]
Michael: [upset] I don't get it!
Eric: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Michael: Drugs?
Eric: Making out.
Michael: [fumbling for words] Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on.
Michael: [approaching Kelly's desk, whispering] Stanley is having an affir.
Kelly: WHAT??
Michael: I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody's attenton, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, [Michael is seen whispering to Jim, then Pam] that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention.
Michael: [motioning to pad of paper with hangman game, spelling out 'S_an_ey is chea_in_ _n _eri] That and that are the same letter.
Kevin: Q.
Michael: No... no. He's holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil. What's that letter, right there? Same letter here and here. What haven't you guessed?
Kevin: T.
Michael: T! Yes! Yes! That is a 'T', and there's another one right there. Just sound that out. You're almost there.
Michael: [opening blinds as Stanley walks past] Hey, Stanley! Where you goin', big guy? Up to no good?
Stanley: I'm meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that?
Michael: No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?
Stanley: Goodbye. [walks away]
Michael: Pays five million dollars. Nudity required.
Jim: [approaching Michael] You have to stop this.
Michael: [giddy, whispering] Did you hear Stanley's having an affair?
Jim: I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people.
Michael: Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser...
Jim: Do you know if it's true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life.
Michael: [stares at Jim silently, then walks away]
Michael: [in parking lot, blocking path of Stanley's car] Stop. Hold up, hold up, hold up! No, no, no. Time to stop being polite and get real. [Stanley honks horn repeatedly] Stanley, are you having an affair?
Stanley: [as Michael gets in car] That is ridiculous. Of course not, why would you think that?
Michael: So It's not true. Okay, well... ahhh, those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just... racial profiling gossip.
Stanley: [hits steering wheel angrily] Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.
Michael: [nodding] So stupid!
Stanley: It's just that... Teri's been traveling a lot...
Michael: I know, I know.
Stanley: And it's been lonely.
Michael: Oh, I bet.
Stanley: Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill... I didn't...
Michael: Wait, hold, hold, hold... so it IS true?
Stanley: Yeah, but Michael, I'm going to go break it off. That's where I'm headed right now. I swear.
Michael: Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? 'Cause that's not cool.
Stanley: I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael, please.
Michael: [muttering] I'm not saying... a damn thing.
Stanley: I'm counting on you, Michael.
Michael: [looking afraid] You can count on me.
Stanley: [sighs]
Michael: [entering kitchen area] Oh, that smells good.
Kevin: I might have extra, it just depends on how many I eat.
Michael: Did you hear about Angela? That's pretty weird.
Kevin: Yeah... what do you mean exactly?
Michael: Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno's on the turnpike.
Kevin: Reeeeally.
Michael: Uh huh. [gestures to Kevin to keep it quiet] Alright?
Michael: How do you un-tell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including 'Stanley is having an affair.' It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.
Erin: Kelly has an eating disorder?
Michael: Yeah.
Erin: She always eats my lunch.
Michael: Anorexia. She's an anorexatic.
Erin: We should do something.
Michael: Nothing can be done, we just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess.
Michael: [to Kelly] I'm worried about Erin, because she's not a very good worker. I don't know how long she's gonna last here.
Kelly: Really?
Michael: Yeah. So... and Andy is gay.
Kelly: Andy Bernard??
Michael: Mm hmm.
Michael: [whispering to Meredith] Did you hear Pam is pregnant?
Meredith: Really?
Michael: Yeah!
Meredith: She's gonna hate being a mom.
Andy: [making a cup of tea in kitchen area]
Kevin: [looks at Andy and giggles]
Andy: What?
Kevin: [still giggling] Tea.
Andy: So?
Kevin: You would.
Andy: [laughing] I like tea!
Kevin: [sarcastically] Oh, I bet you like it.
Andy: Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea!
Kevin: Do you like it as much as you like mens' butts?
Andy: WHAT??
Kevin: Because you're gay.
Andy: [serious] Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school?
Andy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence... a little too weird. [chuckles nervously] Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. [long pause] But it makes you wonder.
Andy: [to Oscar in break room] Did you hear the rumor about me? That I'm gay?
Oscar: [nodding] I did. Yes.
Andy: And?
Oscar: What?
Andy: Do you think it's true? Do you think that I'm... gay?
Oscar: Are you attracted to other men?
Andy: [scoffs and chuckles] No! But, let me kick you a scenario. I'm at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. He tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like at first. But if he was persistent, [long pause] I think I might give in a little bit, just to see what it... felt like.
Oscar: [stares at Andy incredulously]
Andy: Would I push him away? How hard? Like, what if he's like really aggressive?
Oscar: If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still... need to get to you?
Andy: It's not real Brad Pitt, this is like, this is my fantasy. Or it's like, not a fantasy, it's just... it's just a scenario.
Oscar: Wow. I wish... I wish I could help you. I don't... you might be gay. You might be gay.
Oscar: What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.
Phyllis: How far along is Pam?
Meredith: A few months, that's why they're rushing the wedding.
Michael: [whispering] Guys, guys... you can't believe everything you hear. Like Stanley, having an affair? That is crazy! It's just... there's no stalking it. It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go.
Michael: [with everyone assembled in conference room] Okay everybody, big day. Last day for our interns, a lot of other stuff... who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors.
Dwight: [giving envelopes to interns] Present these to the dean for credit. And, as a gift, I've attached my card. Call me any time of the day or night.
Eric: Why would we call you at night?
Dwight: [grabs card from Eric, crumples it, throws it to the ground] Well now you can't call me at all. Problem solved.
Jim: [to Eric] You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs.
Dwight: Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. [interns do nothing] One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you [looks directly at Megan] will make a great mother. It's up to you to choose which you want to be.
Erin: [eating cake with Kelly] I am so happy you're eating again.
Kelly: [mouth full of cake] Me too!
Andy: [to Jim] Tuna, how come you never try to set me up?
Jim: Oh, I don't really do that. But Pam might have some friends, though.
Andy: Women friends?
Jim: Yep.
Andy: Not guy friends?
Jim: Are you... interested in her guy friends?
Andy: No. I mean, for the record, I prefer women.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: But off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Jim: Really.
Andy: Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me, I feel like...
Jim: Well you gotta figure this out.
Andy: Yeah, right?
Jim: Yeah!
Andy: How?
Jim: You gotta have sex with a woman.
Andy: Right-o.
Jim: And a man.
Andy: Ohh...
Jim: And then compare.
Andy: Alright. [looks around uneasily] Well hey...
Jim: Yep.
Andy: Congratulations to you.
Jim: On what?
Andy: [chuckles] Come on... little baby Tuna. Little junior toro.
Jim: [looks around room nervously]
Angela: [to Pam] Did you know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard?
Pam: What?
Angela: Want me to say it again?
Pam: Why did that come into your brain?
Jim: [grabs Pam by the arm] Can I talk to you for a second?
Jim: [whispering to Pam in corner of room] So, they know.
Pam: Who did you tell?
Jim: I didn't tell anyone! Who did you tell?
Pam: Nobody!
Creed: [approaching Jim and Pam] Hey, did one of you tell Stanley I have asthma? Because I don't, and if it gets out, they won't let me scuba.
Creed: If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?
Oscar: [to Andy] What? You think I'm the voice of the Taco Bell dog?
Toby: [to Phyllis and Stanley] What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter. How can I be a virgin?
Jim: Hey, has everyone heard a crazy rumor about themselves today?
Everyone: [in unison] Yes.
Michael: [entering conference room] Yeah, yeah... you know what? Let's discredit these rumors.
Jim: Yeah, sure, but... who's been saying all that stuff?
Michael: That's not important, Jim, I just think we shouldn't listen to any of that crap.
Pam: Sure, but we should get to the bottom of this. Let's pick a rumor and trace it back to the beginning.
Kevin: I need to do mine first. Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me, working me with controls?
Creed: I heard that from... Andy.
Andy: I heard it from Erin.
Erin: I heard it from Michael.
Michael: [quietly leaves room]
Pam: [approaching Michael at elevators] Michael? [to others] He's over here!
Pam: [to Michael] Where are you going?
Michael: Nowhere.
Dwight: Michael... [leads Michael to corner of vestibule, then whispers] You told people I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from. Hmm? Hmm? [Michael looks nervously to camera as elevator doors open]
Pam: Don't get on it. [Michael inches toward elevator]
Jim: Michael, don't.
Pam: Don't... get... on. Do not.
Jim: Michael...
Kevin: Stay.
Pam: Step away.
Creed: Come on, boss.
Michael: [reluctantly exits elevator]
Michael: [to everyone, in conference room] Okay, I made it all up.
Everyone: [sighs in unison]
Andy: Even the fact that I'm gay?
Michael: Yes.
Andy: [relieved] Yes!
Michael: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.
Oscar: Michael, why? Why say all these things? Why make up an eating disorder, Stanley's affair, me being a spokesdog...
Stanley: [pissed off] You told everyone I was having an affair?
Michael: Okay, okay... here's the thing. There was one true rumor out there today. I didn't want everybody to know what it was. So all of you are off the hook, except for this one person.
Kelly: Well then, what's the one true rumor?
Phyllis: We have a right to know.
Andy: Michael... am I gay?
Michael: [sighs] The one true rumor, and this is going to ruin this person's life, is that...
Jim: [interrupting] That Pam's pregnant.
Angela: I knew it!
Kevin: I knew it! Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought 'Oh, she has a new bra with padding.' But then I thought 'Pam doesn't need padding.' It just didn't add up, Jim.
Jim: Okay. Thank you.
Phyllis: Congratulations!
Erin: That's really great, you guys.
Ryan: Don't vaccinate it.
Dwight: Who's the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: How far along?
Jim: Four months.
Creed: Who's the OB/GYN?
Pam: Stop. Don't. Just...
Michael: Alright, alright... you know, this is not the truth, and you can't fall on the sword this way. The real thing is that Stanley Hudson had an affair.
Jim: Nope.
Michael: Yes. Jim...
Jim: [arm around Pam] Thank you for trying to defend her. But actually, Pam is pregnant, and we can prove it.
Pam: Yes.
Jim: If everyone would like to see proof.
Pam: Okay. [leaves room]
Kelly: Are we just gonna wait here? [Pam returns, displays sonogram]
Everyone: [gasps, then cheers]
Kelly: It's true!
Michael: Look at that! [grabs sonogram from Pam] That is the inside of your vagina! [Jim takes sonogram from Michael]
Pam: [talking head with Jim] It's clear why we were trying not to tell people. That's clear now. [Jim nods, looking at floor]
Michael: [to Jim and Pam] How long have you known about the pregnancy?
Jim & Pam: [look at each other uncertainly]
Michael: A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should've told me.
Pam: [exchanges looks with Jim] You're right. We should've realized that you are an equal part of this.
Michael: [phone rings, hits speaker button]
Erin: Michael, Teri Hudson returning your call.
Michael: [gasps]
Pam: [in disbelief] You called Stanley's wife?
Michael: Oh, oh... yeah, a long time ago, just to make sure she was out of town. Oh... oh God.
Jim: Don't take it.
Michael: No, I have to take it, or it'll seem suspicious.
Pam: If you talk to her, you're gonna tell her about Stanley, and that's gonna seem more suspicious.
Michael: No, no, I can do this.
Jim: You can't do this.
Michael: Yes, I can. I am going to tell her that I need to redecorate my condo, and I need her help. We will haggle about money, and then I will back down, and then I won't talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over.
Jim: That sounds terrible.
Pam: Michael, please don't.
Michael: [picking up phone] Hey, what up, Cynthia? [lowers phone, looking terrified]
Jim: [gets up to leave room, Michael gestures for him to stay]
Michael: Hold on a second, Cynthia.
Jim: [hangs up Michael's phone, leaves room]
Michael: Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess [Jim is seen displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try.
Maurie: [talking head with Eric and Megan] I learned that a company can describe their internship as 'full of exciting experiences,' even if that's a lie. There's no regulation.
Megan: I learned that half these people's email password is 'password.'
Eric: I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets.
Megan: I thought it was 500.
Eric: Oh... I guess I didn't learn anything.
Maurie: I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li, Michael will call you 'Jet Li' all summer.
Megan: [raises hand] Julia Stiles.
Eric: [raises hand] Alan Thicke.


Michael: [knock at Michael's Office door] Yeah?
Oscar: You wanted to see me?
Michael: Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me.
Oscar: Yeah sure.
Michael: I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar: Is everything okay?
Michael: Yeah, it's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. [pulls up a chair] What do you? What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking?
Michael: It is a colonoscopy.
Oscar: Okay.
Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry?
Oscar: [sighs] Oh my God.
Michael: My main concern, should I have a safe word?
Oscar: Yeah. [Oscar gets up and walks out]
David Wallace: So Michael, do you think you can give me a run down on the Buffalo clients by Monday?
Michael: Abso... you know what? I'll do you one better, Sunday, Sunday night.
David: Okay, I will look at it Monday.
Michael: Ho, Hol, hold on big guy, I'm gonna put it in the mail Sunday night and you'll get it Weds.
David: Okay, Jim you wanna hit the conference room?
Jim: Sure.
Pam: Hey, Good luck.
Michael: Oh right, this thing. I remember now. [whispers to Jim] What's this about?
Jim: Ah, this is just me and David, if that's okay.
Michael: It's okay with me but he's gonna want me in there.
David: No, ah it's okay Michael. We got it.
Michael: Really?
David: Yeah.
Michael: Alright, do you mind if it sit this out? I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out.
David: [nods] Okay. [Jim smiles and waves to Pam]
Michael: Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No, because we are the Three Amigos. And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off... to the bathroom... while the other two have a secret meeting. [shrugs]
Michael: Hey let me escort you to your desk.
Pam: Okay, it's just three or four steps but thank you, thank you.
Michael: You and Jim are close, huh?
Pam: Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together.
Michael: Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you...
Pam: Ummm, I don't know.
Michael: Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in.
Pam: Did I? Doesn't sound like me, not very superstitious.
Michael: If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.
Pam: Please don't talk about my breast milk.
Michael: I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: I just don't want you to.
Darryl: I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and the ladder's on top of me.
Toby: And that's how you broke your ankle?
Darryl: Yes.
Dwight: Hmmm, interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you, if you fell off of it?
Darryl: This doesn't concern you man, you need to walk away.
Dwight: Oh really, I'm sorry I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden.
Darryl: If we were living in Sweden, I wouldn't have to worry about this 'cause we'd have universal healthcare.
Dwight: Nnnnn, that's not... okay.
Darryl: Be quiet.
Dwight: I'm talking about... hmmm.
Toby: I will send this off to corporate. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills. Feel better.
Darryl: Thanks T-Man, later. [fist bumps Toby}
Dwight: So long Darryl, feel better... [to Toby] He's lying.
Toby: He has a doctor's note.
Dwight: Oh? From who, Dr. J? Look, you really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders.
Toby: A guy on my street fell off a ladder painting his house. It was on the news.
Dwight: Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? [imitating Darryl] Y'all having birthday cake?
Toby: That's not a very good Darryl.
Dwight: Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?
Toby: Hmmm.
Dwight: It just doesn't add up.
Toby: Well, we did a little investigation and Dwight had a good point. The ladder didn't reach the top shelf. I don't know if I believe it, but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel. [impression] I'll punch you in da mush, see.
Michael: [walks into conference room on his cell phone, interrupting David and Jim] Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it you can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will... I love you too. Bye.
Jim: Who was that?
Michael: Sorry about that. What'd I miss?
David: Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind.
Michael: Do not mind! Yes, I do! No, I don't. Yes, I do! No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity flop. Oh this... call waiting. [answers his phone] Yeah, uh huh, well you tell the Mayor he just lost six votes.
Creed: [spying on David and Jim] They've been in there a while.
Michael: Yeah.
Creed: Can't be good.
Michael: Nope.
Creed: Think they're talking about me?
Michael: No, I think they're talking about me.
Creed: Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay thanks boss.
Michael: What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job? That 's bull crap. That is bull crap. Although, it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you there has been work everyday. Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve... I left my cell phone here.
Pam: Hey Kelly.
Kelly: Ugh, so jealous of your boobs.
Pam: Thank you. Um, listen I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable and more than fine.
Kelly: Is Ryan going?
Pam: I don't know, he hasn't RSVP'd yet.
Pam: We invited everyone in the office to our wedding. Even though we realized most people wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls. [whispers] Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls. [normal volume] Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off, if they came. So now, people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work.
Kelly: Here's the deal. I really want to go but I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go, because it's kind of a waste of time. That came out wrong. It would awesome if you could try to get him to go because I'd really like to be there to support Jim.
Andy: What can I do for ya Hoss?
Michael: [staring into the conference room] How are your sales doin'?
Andy: How are my sales doin'? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and it's 'cause of the economy. You're not buying it, you're good. Okay the truth is, I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine and it's a total mind effer.
Phyllis: Again with the cousin.
Andy: Oh, I'm sorry Phyllis, you explain this email, okay. 'Hey Andy let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together, ha ha.'
Michael: Shhh, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay?
Michael: Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I'm completely overwhelmed.
Michael: You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work? Well, I don't believe that. I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just elegant.
Michael: [in the cheese cart] Be my eyes.
Andy: You got it.
Stanley: What have we here?
Andy: Oh, just backing up and turning around.
Kevin: Hey, we're gonna do this...
Andy: Dit, dit, dit, dit, it's not for you. [enters the conference room] Pardon moi, Messieurs. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room.
David: Cheese platter?
Andy: Oui, Oui, Monsieur. From the Wisconsin region, a nice firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find a cheddar style spread which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine Bleu Cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the bleu cheese. Bon appetit.
David: Alright, well I should go. Thanks for this. You've given me a lot to think about. Please promise me you won't do anything until we speak.
Jim: No, I won't. Alright, thanks for giving me your time, I appreciate it.
David: Thank you Jim.
David: Erin, is Michael around?
Erin: I think he's around here...
Michael: [crawls out of the cheese cart unseen] Hey, hey, you must have walked right past me. How you doin'?
David: Ah, yeah, could we talk in your office for a second?
Michael: Yes, definitely.
Toby: [spying at Darryl's house] Sounds like a EMDP-40.
Dwight: Nah, that's a GE. A P40 is much higher pitched.
Toby: You're into trains?
Dwight: I have been my whole life.
Toby: Wow.
Dwight: I'm rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house.
Toby: That's so cool.
Dwight: Yeah.
Toby: Wow, I'd love to take a look at that.
Dwight: Yeah, it's just a run of the mill slaughter house, but sure anytime.
Toby: Well, you know, 'cause of the trains.
Dwight: Wa... wa... wait , someone's coming.
Toby: Uhh, oh boy, oh boy.
Dwight: Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera!
Toby: Get over there! Get over there!
Dwight: Oh, worker's comp, my ass!
Toby: I can't believe this. [mistaking Darryl's sister for Darryl] Hey you, ass****!
Dwight: Toby...
Toby: You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?
Dwight: Ooohhh... [crashes car into garbage cans] Oh man! You okay?
Toby: Just keep going.
Pam: Hey Ryan.
Ryan: Hey.
Pam: So, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding.
Ryan: Yeah, I might stop by.
Pam: It costs about $75 per person.
Ryan: Okay, I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77.
Pam: Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not?
Ryan: Yes, I'm coming to your wedding.
Pam: Okay, Ryan Howard, yes.
Ryan: Probably, yes.
Pam: Kelly Kapoor, yes.
David: Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilites?
Michael: Look who you're talking to.
David: I'm just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents.
Michael: Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever.
David: What about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position?
Michael: [looks at Jim] Permission to speak on the record?
David: Please do.
Michael: Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No, I don't think so. Because Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. I... If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe.
David: I thought you liked Jim?
Michael: Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it's his performance report... right here. Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable.
David: [reading performance report] 'Constant office distractions, spends way too much time at reception, antagonizes other salesman, not at all what he thinks he is.'
Michael: It's not very well written, but you get the gist.
David: Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch?
Michael: I can just continue to run it myself.
David: Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position.
Michael: This was Jim's idea?
David: Mmhmm.
Michael: Wow. Ummm, well I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H and R Block.
David: Ummm... okay, here's the thing though. The plan doesn't work unless we have someone to replace you. I was hoping... plus we have to worry about Jim, he has another job offer. We may have to replace him.
Jim: I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example, he handed out Jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown marathon.
David: Jim can you walk me out to my car for a second.
Jim: Sure.
Michael: [after talking to David, Jim looks dejected] I can't help but feel partially responsible.
Michael: [shakes jelly beans] Little pick me up? [Jim accepts] Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush.
Jim: When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace, did I come up at all?
Michael: Well we did talk about how handsome you are.
Jim: Why don't we head in your office to talk?
Michael: Oh what a week, God. We said... I know there were certain things we said...
Jim: Michael, look I'll just be honest with you. Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion. I actually think that talk went really well. And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed.
Michael: Hmmm, that's weird, that's weird... it's kinda weirding me out. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Jim: Michael, did you say anything?
Michael: Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion.
Jim: Really?
Michael: Yes!
Jim: You will? Wanna do it right now?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.
Dwight: I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated.
Toby: If they were dilated...
Darryl: Toby! Dwight! Is that them?
Gwenneth: Definitely.
Darryl: You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass****, and told her to eat dog food.
Dwight: We thought that she was you.
Darryl: Why would you think a lady is me?
Dwight: Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?
Toby: No, nah. I don't see it.
Darryl: Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you.
Dwight: Aww, Darryl.
Darryl: C'mon Gwenneth.
Gwenneth: Sad.
David: [on phone] This is David.
Michael: Hey David, this is Michael Scott. [Jim pushes speaker phone button] Michael Scott here.
David: Yep.
Michael: Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.
David: So, what, you're changing your mind about Jim?
Michael : Absolutely, [turns speakerphone off] not. [turns speakerphone back on] Like I said before, Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job.
David: Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out... This is not what you said earlier.
Michael: Wha... here's the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him.
David: Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file.
Michael: Well, nnnn, that... that was an anomaly. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.
David: Michael, I really don't know what's going on [police sirens in background] down there, but... oh, dammit, I am getting pulled over for talking on my cell, dammit.
Toby: Hey Darryl, look ahhh, we're here to apologize ahh...
Darryl: Cool.
Dwight: Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.
Toby: What?
Dwight: He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment, case closed.
Darryl: Stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Dwight: Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby.
Toby: Well, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em but I suppose if we wanted to be really certain...
Darryl: Alright, yeah fine so whatever...
Dwight: Yes!
Toby: You really did it...
Dwight: Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.
Darryl: And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister.
Dwight: Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that...
Toby: Ahhh, kay. Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but you know, we can just move on with our... with our lives.
Toby: So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that both would file complaints with corporate and now I get to do all this paperwork. We worked it out.
Michael: Hey, hey Jim, it would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face. Alright, Just do it.
Jim: How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job.
Michael: I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, [starts to choke up] and now I don't wanna lose the baby.
Jim: So instead, you screwed me?
Michael: That's what she...
Jim: No.
Erin: David Wallace is calling.
Michael: Kind of in the middle of something here.
Erin: Should I tell him you'll call him back?
Michael: I, yeah... no, I'll tell him myself. Let's both.
Michael: [on phone] Hello.
David: Hey Michael, you got Jim there with you?
Michael: No, it's just us.
David: Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please.
Michael: Oh, oh, well here he is right now. [Michael knocks on desk] Come in. [Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer]
Jim: Hi David.
David: Hey guys, so I spoke to Alan, we had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool. But it only works if everyone's on board.
Michael: Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.
David: We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day to day and Michael you would focus on clients and big picture stuff.
Jim: Wow, that sounds pretty cool.
Michael: I like that, so manager and co-manager.
David: Co-manager and Co-manager. See, there are a lot of moving pieces and this is the only way I can sell it upstairs.
Michael: Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager.
David: Alright, hey Michael can you pick up for one second. [Michael picks up phone] Okay look, I'm not going to force you into anything. If you're willing to lose Jim, fine, you just say so and we'll find another solution, okay. Is that what you want to do?
Dwight: Okay people, listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed...
Michael: Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make... whoa do you have an announcement?
Dwight: I'm... I was making it.
Michael: Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.
Stanley: Co-manager of what?
Michael: Of your butt, and your butt, and your butt, all of the Scranton branch butts.
Phyllis: What's happening to you Michael?
Michael: What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager, we will be co-managers together. Jim Halpert, welcome.
Jim: [shakes Michael's hand] Thank you. [Dwight looks disappointed and angry behind them]
Dwight: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Meredith: Niagara Falls in October? Pfft, hells yeah.
Pam: Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card?
Meredith: Nah, I'll just tell you now, easier.
Pam: Well, you have to choose a food option and there's information in there about directions and lodging...
Meredith: I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs. I'll just get the other information the day of, I'll text you.
Pam: You are going to text me, the morning of my wedding.
Meredith: Uh huh.
Pam: To ask for directions..
Meredith: Right...
Pam: And you will eat whatever is fanciest?
Meredith: Unless there's ribs. [leaves]
Angela: Rude.
Pam: So rude, right?
Angela: Mmm hmmm.
Pam: [sits down] Oh my gosh, I have been chasing people down all day. It's incredible.
Angela: Pam, my bag was there...