Michael: Look at that.
Oscar: Huh?
Michael: Nice!
Oscar: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: She is a beaut!
Dwight: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Oscar: Yes, it is.
Michael: Oh, look at that. [pushing bike] Smooth roll.
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!
Oscar: Yes.
Meredith: His ass was on that seat? All right!
Kevin: Nice.
Oscar: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses.
Kelly: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now.
Pam: [crashing sound] Michael!
Michael: Oh, god!
Oscar: Oh...
Michael: Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike.
Jim: Are you sure you once knew how to do this?
Michael: I did, yes! I had those extra wheels on the back...that support you. [Pam and Jim begin wheeling him] Mi-chael! Mi-chael!
All: [chanting] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael!
Dwight: Yeah!
Pam: Come on, Michael! Yeah!
Jim: Just steer more now.
Michael: [crashes into Jim and Pam's parked car] Oh, my god!
Pam: Not the car!
Jim: No! No!
Michael: Ow! [grunts, stumbles to his feet] You never forget. Whoo!
Dwight: How do I look?
Jim: Amazing. How do I look?
Dwight: Normal. Ugly.
Jim: Well, I do the best with what I've got. Let's go.
Dwight: Alright. Wait, wait, wait, wait for me! It's weird if I come in slightly after.
Dwight: We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select, Steve Nash.
Jim: He's not the Steve Nash. He's big though. He's kind of like...Scranton's Steve Nash.
Dwight: Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think they'll understand? It's condescending.
Jim: I'm not doing that. I'm just explaining.
Dwight: And who is this 'the' Steve Nash?
Jim: Phoenix Sun's point guard?
Dwight: No.
Jim: No? Nothin'?
Dwight: No, Mr. Jock Hipster.
Jim: Well, I'm neither of those things, so...
Andy: [reading Cornell magazine] Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh, says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale-Oh, my God!
Phyllis: What? Is Dan okay?
Andy: No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob. You know this guy; I showed you his picture on Facebook.
Phyllis: Yes.
Andy: Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, 'Calci-YUM!', featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio. Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio, and I think you can hear it in the song.''
Phyllis: Oh, that's great news for your friend.
Andy: Yeah, yeah, it's great...
Phyllis: You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder.
Andy: I was the artsy, musical one. In Here Comes Treble I had four solos, Broccoli rob had three. Right? Uhh.
Dwight: Go tell her we're here. You're good with receptionists.
Jim: Oh, ha ha ha. Dwight...[motions to lobby]
Dwight: Crap.
Dwight: Danny Cordray is the worst.
Jim: Well, by worst, you mean the best.
Dwight: The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop, steals more clients from Dunder-Mifflin than anyone.
Jim: So, the situation is the worst.
Dwight: Also, he slept with Pam.
Jim: No, he didn't. [Dwight mouthing 'yes, he did']
Jim: Tell 'em.
Pam: Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.
Jim: What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.
Pam: That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.
Jim: Yeah, I thought you started it.
Pam: No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. [Jim nodding repeatedly] You know I have a kid with you, right?
Jim: Ahhh.
Dwight: I'm gonna intimidate him. Okay?
Jim: Okay, great-
Dwight: Watch this.
Jim: -I'm just gonna watch.
Dwight: [speaking loudly] So anyway, she says, 'that is the biggest penis I have ever seen.' And I said, 'I know. That's why I brought you to the Penis Museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.' Well, hello Danny!
Danny: Hey, Dwight. Good to see you. Jim, hey.
Jim: [shaking hands] How are ya?
Danny: Good to see you too.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Danny: Oh, I'm just here for the coffee.
Dwight: Like hell you are.
Jim: Dwight!
Dwight: He's not just here for the coffee, Jim. Wake up!
Michael: Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello?
Jim: Hey, it's Jim. Listen, this is important. Are you busy?
Michael: Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up?
Angela: What?
Oscar: You are busy! We're in a meeting!
Michael: It's Jim, Okay? Yes.
Jim: Listen, you gotta get over here, 'cause we're pitching Steve Nash and Danny Cordray is here.
Michael: You need the big guns, yes?
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: What'd he say? What did he say?
Jim: The big gun thing. [Dwight grabs at phone] Stop!
Michael: I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight. [hangs up] Well, I know a lot of you thought that my sales days were behind me, and to be honest, so did I...and the only reason I got out of the sales game was to be reluctantly called back in.
Pam: You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager.
Michael: [laughing] No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me?
Pam: You don't?
Michael: No! Okay. [runs out the door] All right.
Andy: [knocking] Knockity-knock, don't knock back. Just kidding you can knock; it's your office. Do you have a minute?
Darryl: I'm very busy with time-sensitive work.
Andy: Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into Weight Watchers dot com.
Darryl: If you don't enter them immediately, you forget. What?
Andy: I'm starting a band and I need you on keyboards.
Darryl: Nah. I play for pleasure.
Andy: This is for pleasure.
Darryl: I wouldn't enjoy that.
Andy: I'm willing to pay you.
Darryl: Oh, yeah?
Andy: Yeah.
Darryl: How much?
Andy: Sixty bucks a session.
Darryl: That's crazy money. I'll take forty.
Andy: Yes!
Dwight: There he is.
Michael: Oh, no, that's a male model.
Jim: No, that's him.
Michael: That...hello. Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company.
Danny: Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper.
Michael: Nice to meet you.
Danny: Three of you guys for one sale.
Michael: Yeah, well...we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy?
Danny: Well, whatever works for ya. Anyway. All right.
Michael: All right.
Danny: It's good to see you guys. Nice to meet you.
Michael: Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model.
Receptionist: He's ready for you.
Michael: Oh, thank you. All right. On the count of three, it's showtime. Ready, one, two-
Jim: Nope, not doing that.
Dwight: I've been in showtime mode since breakfast.
Michael: Okay, you know-all right, just forget it then.
Jim: Showtime!
Michael: It's showtime! Oh...never mind. Let's go.
Michael: When I knock on your door, you know who it is; it's Michael Scott. We've been together forever and we-
Steve: Michael, I appreciate everything that Dunder-Mifflin has done for this company.
Michael: You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We're going to deliver to you on weekends.
Steve: That's very generous, but-
Michael: And you know what else we're gonna do? I can't believe I'm gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you'd better shake my hand right now.
Dwight: He's not kidding.
Michael: Shake it, shake it!
Steve: Michael, I'm going with Danny.
Dwight: Oh.
Steve: Thanks for coming in.
Michael: Okay. Thank you.
Steve: Thank you.
Michael: Thanks, Steve.
Dwight: Jim talked too much.
Jim: No, I didn't.
Dwight: Yes, you did.
Michael: Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done, we just got bested. [pounds the elevator button] Why is there a door close button if it doesn't even close the door?
Michael: How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned.
Michael: You know who we always lose out to? Staples, the big guys. Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are. What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy? Stanley, how do we combat him?
Stanley: We sell better?
Michael: Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave?
Stanley: I would like to stay. This pertains to me.
Michael: Why don't you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay?
Stanley: Why do you always assume I have diabetes?
Michael: I don't know, your frame, your build-why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic. [Stanley stands to leave] See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis?
Phyllis: I could try to seduce him.
Michael: Oh, my god!
Dwight: I know how we can learn his tricks.
Dwight: What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy.
Jim: Is that your office?
Dwight: Yes, Jim. And with a little tweaking, it becomes a different office. We lure Danny to it and watch him sell.
Phyllis: Uh...
Stanley: I'm outta here.
Phyllis: This is weird.
Michael: You know what this is? This is a stinger.
Jim: A what?
Michael: Like the movie.
Jim: I think you mean The Sting.
Michael: Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers.
Jim: Nope. Different movie.
Dwight: The Sting. The Sting.
Erin: Your two o'clock. [Danny enters]
Meredith: Thanks, hun.
Jim: Meredith was the perfect choice to play the head of the company. Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny and...that's it. That's really all we were looking for.
Danny: Danny Cordray. It's great to meet you.
Meredith: Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you.
Jim: Meredith Van Helsing?
Dwight: Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer.
Jim: Okay. But what is he more famous for?
Michael: Shhh! Hey! That's my mug.
Jim: You know this isn't real TV, right?
Michael: Yes.
Darryl and Andy: [singing] Please Mr. President, if you wanna give hope a whirl, bring our troops home safe and sound, says this little girl.
Andy: [in falsetto] Please Mr. President-
Darryl: One second, one second, one second. [stops playing] So, this song is from the point of view of a little girl?
Andy: Yeah.
Darryl: But you're singing it.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm using my falsetto.
Darryl: No, that's not a good idea. I don't see that as a very good song.
Andy: Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better if you actually sang with some soul.
Darryl: Oh, I never sing with soul.
Andy: That's a lie.
Kevin: I could sing it.
Andy: I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs.
Kevin: But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan.
Andy: Okay, three-way argument between a drummer, a keyboardist, and the front man lead singer. Wonder who's gonna win this one. Two, three, four-
Danny: I'm gonna take off my coat, if you don't mind. It's a bit warm in here.
Meredith: Hel-lo!
Michael: Oh, no, no. No. Don't-
Dwight: People can't keep their true natures hidden for long, and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire.
Michael: Testify.
Jim: Okay, he's not that good-looking. I don't understand why everybody's obsessed with this-
Michael: Yeah, he is that good-looking.
Dwight: He's very, very handsome.
Michael: Okay.
Meredith: That's a great set of shoulder's you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine? [phone rings] Sorry. Yeah?
Michael: Pull it together, all right? Stop lookin' at him.
Meredith: I'm sorry. [hangs up] You're here to sell me some paper.
Danny: Well, actually, uh... no, Miss Van Helsing, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to meet you, see if we'd be a, you know, good fit.
Meredith: What do you mean?
Michael: Oh...my god! He's making her sell to him.
Andy: [everyone finishes listening to song] Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar?
Oscar: It's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid.
Andy: But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something?
Pam: Not really. It's kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl.
Andy: I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the Olympics.
Ryan: I-I don't think they usually...skate to such...bad songs.
Andy: Rude. And not helpful.
Creed: Well, I really, really, really liked it.
Andy: Well, that...really bums me out.
Creed: You're welcome.
Danny: We should think of this as a first date. And I think it's going very well, how 'bout you?
Meredith: Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me.
Danny: Ha ha, okay, there you go! [phone rings, Meredith answers]
Michael: Stay-
Meredith: Shut up and let me do this! [hangs up] You know, what is with this desk keeping us so far apart?
Danny: I've never been a desk man. Always traveling on the road. Come on...why not, huh?
Dwight: Oh...
Danny: Well, we'll get this...[Meredith unbuttons]
Michael: Oh!
Dwight: Oh, man!
Meredith: So, what's your drink? You a vodka man? Me too.
Jim: We gotta get someone else in there right now.
Jim: You're an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech and-
Oscar: That sounds fake.
Jim: What do you mean?
Dwight: I told you! You're an exec at Stark Industries, a corporation you inherited from your father-
Jim: Will you stop? Stop it, stop it. Here's the story-they need Meredith somewhere else asap, okay?
Oscar: Okay.
Jim: So you're taking over. You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can.
Oscar: All right. I can do that. Then what?
Dwight: Then make him pitch to you.
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: We gotta see what he's got.
Jim: Exactly. You can do this.
Dwight: Okay, and remember-you're not gay.
Jim: Stop it! It's gonna be great.
Oscar: Okay.
Jim: And listen if anything else happens, just...roll with it.
Oscar: Meredith, I-
Meredith: Oh, Manuel! This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English.
Danny: Hola. Que tal?
Oscar: Como estas, senor?
Meredith: Uh, Manuel, cleano el window.
Jim: Who else we got?
Dwight: Okay. You're a young hotshot from Stark Industries. You've just bought this company. Meredith is fired. It's a whole new regime. He's gotta pitch to you now.
Ryan: Okay. Stark Industries isn't real. I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me in-
Jim: Great. Sounds awesome. Just have him pitch to you.
Michael: Don't let us down.
Ryan: [points to Jim] Will do. [points to Michael] Won't do.
Danny: Yeah, sure.
Meredith: You smell like a Scorpio. [Ryan enters] This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesn't speak English either. Esteban, el flooro.
Danny: You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space, and I hate when I see others do that, so-
Meredith: Danny, I feel a real connection to you, and I gotta get real, I'm-
Michael: No, no, no...
Jim: No, no, no, no...
Michael: I'm goin 'in!
Dwight: Michael! No, Michael, stop it! No!
Michael: Stop, stop! Oh, my god! [enters office] Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody, stop.
Danny: Michael Scott.
Michael: I said stop. Okay, Danny...this is not Pennsylvania Solartech. This is Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. This is Meredith Palmer-
Meredith: Please to meet you-
Michael: Don't! Get away from him. Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever.
Danny: Hmm.
Michael: I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique, so we could stop losing so many clients to you.
Danny: But from where?
Michael: A surveillance room next to this one.
Danny: Okay, so you...set up this fake company, then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique?
Michael: Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery.
Danny: Or...crazy.
Michael: Well-
Danny: I'm gonna go.
Michael: Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me. Jim and Dwight are behind that wall in the surveillance room and it was their plan as well.
Dwight: No!
Jim: No, no, no, no.
Danny: Oh, well then, yeah. All right. Hey! [knocking on wall] Good luck, guys. Seems like you got a great operation here.
Michael: No, we don't. Here's-here's my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks.
Danny: What do you mean, my tricks? There's no tricks, man. I'm just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can't copy that! [opens door to leave]
Michael: You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that...I want you to work for me.
Danny: Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy.
Michael: So, you will?
Danny: [opening door again to leave] No!
Michael: Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same?
Danny: Get out of my way.
Michael: Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny?
Danny: I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not-it's just I'm very upset right now.
Michael: I know, I know.
Danny: I'm very upset!
Michael: Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?
Danny: More freedom.
Michael: I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?
Michael: Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny!
Kelly: [bleep] me!
Michael: O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is?
Kelly: Josh Duhamel.
Angela: Yeah, I can see that.
Michael: No. No. No. Somebody in this office.
Kevin: He's like a better-looking Andy.
Andy: Thanks, Kevin.
Michael: No, me. Right? Sorta like...a little younger version of me.
Oscar: It's hard to judge ourselves accurately, isn't it.
Dwight: Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Can I talk to you about something?
Michael: No, you may not.
Dwight: It's about this very announcement you just made.
Michael: I said no.
Dwight: Michael-
Michael: We're not-
Jim: Michael, I think you really want to talk to him.
Michael: Okay. Let's-all right, all right. Let's talk. Please don't let him leave. [pointing to Danny] Don't leave. Don't let him.
Erin: Gotcha. [they go into Michael's office]
Jim: You hired him?
Michael: Guys, let me ask you something. Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same?
All: Stay the same.
Michael: Okay. Well...get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better.
Phyllis: It's not gonna get better; he's gonna steal all of our clients.
Michael: No, no. Wrong. He would have stolen your clients, but you know what? He can't now. This guy used to steal sales from us; now, he's going to steal sales for us.
Dwight: Where's he gonna sit? There's no more seats.
Michael: He doesn't need to sit, he's a traveling salesman. Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff simply because they are threatening to you. And unless you have a better argument than that, I suggest you leave.
Stanley: Hmpf!
Dwight: Where's he gonna park? There's no more reserved parking spots.
Michael: Good-bye!
Darryl: Song's about truth.
Kevin: Yeah.
Darryl: What's something you really care about?
Andy: Reverse snobbery.
Darryl: More universal.
Andy: Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by.
Darryl: [plays soft chords and sings] Couldn't get outta bed today. Wish the alarm clock would go away.
Kevin: Oh, nice!
Andy: Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-that's amazing!
Darryl: Go ahead.
Andy: [singing] Which me am I gonna be today?
Darryl: Which me am I gonna be today?
Andy: I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me?
Kevin: Or the me that stinks.
Andy: Oh, my gosh! We're almost out of time. How much for another half hour?
Darryl: Oh, don't worry about it.
Andy: Wait. Seriously?
Darryl: Yeah.
Andy: So we're just, like, jamming as friends?
Darryl: One, two, three, hit it.
Andy: Closet full of mes-
Danny: Oh, you know...funny. Your wife and I went on a few dates.
Jim: Did ya?
Danny: Yeah. Way ,way, way back.
Jim: I'm just kidding. She told me about it.
Danny: Oh. She was not into me.
Jim: Oh.
Danny: Obviously. I don't even think she called me back.
Dwight: You snubbed her.
Jim: Dwight, please.
Dwight: Let me handle this, Jim. Drop the act, Cordray, okay? We all know that you probably thought that Pam was too 'meh' or thin without being toned. But I wanna tell you something-she is one of the plain hearty women of Scranton that make this city great. And so what if she doesn't wear makeup? [Pam mouthing 'I wear makeup'] We like her better that way! And you steal clients, don't you? Don't you!
Danny: Okay...that's different.
Dwight: Oh, that's different, is it? Okay...thief. You better check your things, people. In fact, where are my keys? Oh, there in my pocket. False alarm. Okay. [awkward pause] So...you're gonna be workin' here?
Danny: Uh...I mean-yeah.
Dwight: Welcome aboard.
Danny: Thank you.
Jim: Hey, crazy, um...so...that's it? You're just-you're fine?
Dwight: It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home. [shakes Danny's hand]
Danny: Oh.
Dwight: Pleasure.
Danny: Thanks.
Michael: This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer.
Kevin: [singing and playing drums] Sun's in her eyes, tongue full of flies. Would you like to share my paaaaaaad?
All: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love and I gave her the croak that meant I love you.
Darryl: I'll be your croak monsieur.
Andy: [falsetto] I'll be your croak madame.
Kevin: Your mama mighta said that bullfrogs are dogs, but I'm here to tell you that I am a frog! Come and sit on my log, you little pollywog.
Darryl: I find you absolutely ribbiting!
All: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love.
Andy: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love.
Kevin: Croak!
Andy: Ribbit!
Darryl: Scoopity-splash!
Kevin: Nice.


Andy: What about this one? It's kinda badass, right? Just seems kinda crazy in a way I might need right now.
Jim: I don't know. [looks at Stanley, who took his mug and is drinking out of it] Oh! That's... not... yours.
Jim: Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice?
Stanley: What's a seven letter word for purse?
Kevin: [sitting at Phyllis' desk, dressed like Phyllis; high pitched voice] Satchel!
Stanley: Nope. Starts with an H.
Andy: [shirtless, wearing only a tie] Handbag.
Stanley: Hmmm. [glances at Andy] Thank you.
Andy: Shh! Shhh! [watches Jim put a cardboard box over Stanley's monitor]
Michael: [standing outside the conference room, wearing fake teeth, watching Stanley walk in] All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in sales!
All: Yay! [applause]
Stanley: [looks at the clock, then at his watch] Hold up! That clock is slow. It is five o'clock, I will see you all tomorrow:
Pam: [turns around, is wearing a mustache] Bye, Stanley! Love you! [waves, Stanley leaves]
Dwight: [standing next to a pony] So long, Stanley!
Stanley: Night, everybody.
Oscar: So what kind of statement are you making with that costume, Kevin?
Kevin: The statement that I am making, Oscar, is that I kind of look like Michael Moore.
Erin: Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin! Happy Halloween! How can I haunt you today?
Michael: A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! [puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard, high pitched voice] Six seconds, MacGruber! [lifts head] Pam's got a lot of fun stuff planned! [puts head down, high pitched voice] Uh, two seconds MacGruber! [lifts head] Including a... costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board... OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! [throws fake bomb, takes off sunglasses, points to camera] MACGRUBERRRR!
Pam: People are really into the costume contest this year. Might have something to do with the prize, maybe you've heard of it. The 2011 Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book worth over fifteen thousand dollars in savings!
Jim: Stop.
Dwight: [has his hands around Jim's neck] Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.
Jim: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler. [looks at Pam] Oh-ho! That's very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrute's mom.
Pam: What?
Dwight: You're only one third as beautiful and only half her height.
Pam: I'm supposed to be Olive Oyl. And it makes more sense when I'm standing next to Popeye, but... Jim doesn't want to put his costume on.
Jim: [places pipe in mouth] I am Popeye!
Jim: I've never really been a costume guy. Even when I was a kid, it just felt like something I was too old for. And then this morning, when Pam hands me this little number [holds up Popeye costume, shakes head] ...no.
Gabe: [dressed as Lady Gaga] In case you can't read m-m-my Poker Face... [laughs] we will be reviewing our sales policies. [accepts note from Michael, reads it out loud] I have ten seconds to read them or this whole place blows up.
Michael: MACGRUBER!
Todd Packer: Lame. Why don't witches wear panties?
Michael: Oh, here we go!
Todd Packer: Because they need to grip the broom!
Michael: [laughs] OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?
Dwight: Lake Erie.
Gabe: When our warehouse workers make deliveries, they're going to be encouraged to offer clients extra products. And then they will split those commissions with sales.
Michael: So, wait, drivers are going to be able to sell paper on the road?
Gabe: That is correct.
Todd Packer: Has anyone started calling you 'Gabe-wad' yet?
Gabe: Not here.
Danny: Gabe-wad.
Gabe: Okay, guys, fun is fun, but-
Michael: Blackula!
Darryl: Dracula.
Michael: Oh, so... I almost forgot. You'll find this hilarious. Apparently corporate is going to have drivers sell paper on their routes now. That's like, exactly sort of the idea that you had.
Darryl: Yes. I do remember saying something like that to you.
Michael: Yeah. I'm sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that, man.
Darryl: I'm just glad we're gonna try it out.
Michael: Really? We're good?
Darryl: Yeah. We're cool.
Michael: Okay. [reaches out and shakes Darryl's hand] Okay.
Darryl: What's under your shirt?
Michael: Oh. It's a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.
Michael: Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing.
Toby: [leans hobo sack against the refrigerator] It's a great stick, right?
Ryan: It's really good. It's a classic. I think you might win the whole thing with that.
Toby: Thanks!
Oscar: Everyone realizes that this coupon book isn't actually worth fifteen thousand dollars, right? You'd have to spend two hundred thousand dollars on crap you don't actually need to get fifteen thousand dollars worth of benefits. I'm not the only one who sees this, right?
Toby: No.
Ryan: No.
Kelly: I get that. I get that.
Danny: Excuse me, everybody. I want to invite you all to the Halloween party I'm having at my bar.
Kevin: You own a bar?
Danny: Public School, at exit 11.
Oscar: That's a great name. You're hilarious. A plus!
Danny: So. You're all on the list!
Ryan: Hey, man, can I get a plus five? It's all guys.
Creed: Hey, what's the crowd like, Danny? Our age?
Danny: Okay.
Kevin: I don't think that she would leave Jim for Danny.
Phyllis: I don't know, they're both handsome.
Dwight: Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?
Phyllis: I think he-
Creed: Hey hey hey, quiet, here she comes! Did you hear about that Danny guy? Heard he used to date Pam.
Jim: So four years ago, when I was in Stamford, Connecticut, and dating someone else, Pam went on two dates with Danny. Which was obviously the greatest love story ever told, given how much people are walking on eggshells around us.
Pam: We were basically Romeo and Juliet.
Jim: That's right.
Pam: Except where Juliet doesn't have that great a time and Romeo doesn't call back after two dates.
Jim: Yikes.
Pam: But I've learned to love again. [puts her arm on Jim's shoulder] He's a cartoon sailor.
Jim: Oh, no.
Pam: And looks so handsome in his UNIFORM! Please?
Jim: No. No, I'm not gonna-no.
Andy: Tuna! Tuna! Do you want us to skip this party?
Jim: I don't care.
Kevin: I am never gonna forget what Danny did to Pam. I forget nothing. I'm like an elephant in that way.
Andy: You know what else? [pulling fake teeth out of his mouth] The-this... this sucks for Jim. Right? But it also sucks for us. Because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties. [puts teeth back in]
Kevin: Yeah, and everyone else is gonna be there. Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl... Creed's a maybe.
Andy: [removes teeth] Creed's going?!
Jim: Madge from the warehouse just made her first sale. Madge. We should have been doing this a long time ago.
Michael: Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone?
Darryl: [answers phone] Hello?
Michael: Hi, Darryl, come out here, please.
Darryl: I'm good.
Michael: You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar!
Darryl: This is embarrassing, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, I bet it is! If you're gonna do your job well here, you gotta get used to being embarrassed.
Darryl: Let me put my shoes on. [hangs up phone, dial tone]
Pam: [leans over toward Erin] Um, hit the speakerphone button. The speakerphone button? The same button as you hit before... or sit on it.
Michael: This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbin's. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits.
Angela: So, what happened?
Michael: I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea, but you know what? They need to know that it was yours. And I don't care if I take a bullet. We're gonna call them, we're gonna put them on speakerphone right now...
Erin: Oh! [fumbles for phone]
Michael: And we are going to straighten this out.
Andy: Screw corporate! They probably stole the idea anyway.
Michael: Mmhm!
Gabe: Uh uh. Corporate stole nothing, okay? Darryl told me, and then I told them, giving Darryl full credit, so... no need to [mimicking Andy] screw corporate! Or anything like that, so. Let's give Darryl a round of applause, as planned. [claps]
Michael: I'm a little peeved at Darryl right now.
Dwight: He went to Gabe behind your back.
Michael: No, he didn't go behind my back. He went over my head.
Dwight: He went over your head to go behind your back.
Michael: What is taking someone from behind?
Dwight: No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can't have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous.
Michael: It was a good idea, though.
Dwight: Yeah. Here's another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryl's idea.
Andy: Hey, Danny.
Danny: Hey.
Andy: I'm really sorry, but we can't come to your party tonight.
Danny: I was looking forward to throwing some darts with you guys.
Andy: You were?
Kevin: Okay, well then, uh, I mean, maybe we could do it like... next Halloween.
Danny: For sure.
Andy: We're just like, totally caught in the middle here.
Danny: What are you talking about?
Andy: Well Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go...
Danny: Jim and Pam really don't want you to go?
Kevin: They're really upset about the whole Danny situation.
Danny: I'll talk to them.
Kevin: Yeah, but wait, don't tell them that we said anything to you.
Danny: Okay.
Kevin: Or you're dead.
Danny: Okay.
Kevin: Okay.
Erin: Kelly! Great costume!
Toby: Oh.
Angela: KELLY! You cannot change costumes in the middle of the day! Pam, she's out.
Kelly: Um, if I'm out, I'm going to sue this ENTIRE COMPANY for discrimination.
Oscar: Guys? You're arguing over a one in sixteen chance. Over a prize worth... forty bucks.
Kelly: Um, fifteen thousand bucks, Oscar.
Angela: Yeah, shut it, Oscar. Pam?
Angela: This is an amazing prize. I mean, I don't even want to give Pam a compliment, because she's so blegh, but she did a good job. I really want that coupon book.
Dwight: Garbage magnet. [throws magnet] Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don't need to tart them up with some design. [to Michael] I can't believe this doesn't make you mad!
Michael: [staring at Gabe and Kevin] What the hell are they talking about?
Dwight: Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique.
Michael: Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I don't-[sees Kevin and Gabe fist-bump] Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? That's inappropriate, Kevin. I am your boss, and if you have something to say, it goes through me, and then I take it to Gabe. Chain of command. Do you understand?
Kevin: I am so sorry.
Michael: Oh, you're sorry?
Kevin: I just thought-
Michael: What did you just thought?
Kevin: Well, Gabe asked me if there were any really cool Lady Gaga moves that he could do for the catwalk. And so then I tol-[tries not to cry]
Michael: All right.
Kevin: I told him that there was this one cool move where she powers down like a robot.
Michael: Okay.
Kevin: Okay? But I- I am so sorry that I didn't tell you first.
Michael: Well, don't let it happen again.
Kevin: [hysterical] You think that I would let this happen again?! NO WAY JOSE.
Michael: I-
Kevin: [bleep] you, Gabe!
Gabe: Okay...
Danny: Can you imagine? It's just crazy.
Jim: That is crazy. We would never care if Andy or Kevin went to your party.
Danny: Look, I'm just glad we can laugh about it. Because I was a little nervous about coming to work here, with, you know, our history.
Pam: Oh, my gosh! People keep blowing it out of proportion! It's not even a history.
Danny: Exactly.
Jim: It's not like you guys had some long relationship right? Big painful breakup I don't know about?
Danny: No! Two or three dates.
Pam: It was two.
Danny: Was it two? I thought it was three.
Pam: No, we um, we had plans for a third, but then I don't know, you never called me back, so...
Jim: Oooh! You can't handle the truth! [laughs]
Danny: [laughing] Well, that does not sound like me.
Pam: Yeah? [stops laughing] It was though, that's what happened.
Danny: [stops laughing] Well, great, I just wanted to make sure that things weren't weird.
Pam: Hmm-mm.
Michael: Okay, this whole going over my head-gate? Is making people act weird. The chain of command is crumbling. Do you know what just happened? I just made Kevin cry. And Gabe looks like Lady Gaga. That's not Halloween. Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other.
Darryl: I'm not mad. Are you mad?
Michael: You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating.
Darryl: Well, I'm sorry if it seems that way to you.
Michael: Okay, that might help. If you said 'I'm sorry' in front of everybody.
Darryl: Mike.
Michael: In front of me.
Darryl: You made a bad call. And I fixed it. So I'm not apologizing.
Michael: So that's it.
Darryl: That's it.
Michael: Is it?
Darryl: Yes.
Andy: Sookehhh. [removes teeth] Bill Compton, from True Blood.
Stanley: How many freakin' vampires am I supposed to care about these days?
Oscar: I guess you could say I'm still in costume. I'm a rational consumer.
Phyllis: Oh.
Oscar: Stupid coupon booklet. Have you seen my costume? I'm a rational consumer.
Ryan: Yeah, I uh, heard you say it to Phyllis. That's a good line.
Pam: Okay, everybody! After you walk the runway everyone has to vote for who gets the coupon book. And you can't vote for yourself.
Kevin: Pam. Can you vote for other people?
Michael: Yeah, I gotta get in on this. [mocking Darryl] Hey, it's cool, man, I work in the warehouse! I'm cool! I'm hip and I'm jive! And I don't care about nobody! Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk!
Michael: Still don't know who I am? I'll give you a hint. I go over other people's heads.
Pam: Michael, this is a bad idea.
Michael: What's a bad idea?
Pam: Dressing up as somebody-I mean, when has that ever worked for you?
Michael: NEVER! [tosses wig] Okay, you know what? Fine. I'm not Darryl. And thank God I'm not Darryl.
Kelly: Could you for once just let us enjoy a party instead of making it about all your issues?
Stanley: [walking down the runway] Raaah! [waves sword]
Oscar: I present to you the [finger quotes] rational consumer, as it were.
Pam: Angela as the nurse!
Angela: I don't like your tone! Look, they were sold out of all the other costumes, okay? I think we all live in the real world, here. Let's not pretend to be unaware of what sells in this office.
Phyllis: What should we ask?
Michael: Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend who backstabs people in the back?
Jim: We have one question to ask the spirit world and you want us to ask that?
Erin: He says no.
Michael: Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it.
Darryl: No.
Michael: Dwight, you saw Darryl move it, right?
Dwight: Let's just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.
Dwight: I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth.
Michael: If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl what would that word be?
Erin: [hands are being forced to the letters] A... S... S... H... E... T?
Phyllis: An asset!
Erin: Ah! [lets go, candy corn flies everywhere] That's enough.
Danny: I don't think it's gonna work out the way you think.
Todd Packer: I don't think you get it.
Danny: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Danny: This is some party, huh?
Jim: When you work hard, you play hard around here. Even if you don't work hard. Oh, here's something. Uh, why didn't you ever call Pam back?
Danny: Are you serious?
Jim: Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that everyone has to fall in love, or anything, I'm just saying... but you know, to not even call her back is...
Danny: You know what it was? I think she gave me her number but then her fours look like eights, and...
Jim: Could be. But you also called her the second time so you had the number right.
Todd Packer: Halpert, you lookin' for someone to bang your wife?
Jim: Nope.
Danny: Okay. You wanna know? I didn't call her back because she spent the whole date talking about you. She was obviously in love with you.
Ryan: Fifty seven. Fifty eight.
Meredith: Wait, wait. She hasn't moved in awhile.
Oscar: [reaches over to pull Erin out of apple bobbing water] ERIN!
Erin: Two! I got two. I ate two whole apples.
Pam: I'd remember talking about Jim. That wasn't it.
Jim: Just tell her the real reason.
Danny: Do you honestly want to know why I didn't call her back on a date over four years ago?
Jim: Hey. She had a nice time. It seems rude.
Pam: I did. And it's just one of those things that's going to keep gnawing at me, like 'gnaw, gnaw, why? Why didn't he? I have no idea why.'
Danny: Okay. Honestly. I didn't call you back because I-thought you seemed a little... dorky.
Jim: Hey, man.
Pam: Thank you! Thank you. I got it. Now I know. You thought I was a little dorky. You know? [gibberish sounds] Okay. Well, excuuuuse me.
Gabe: In the future, you need to get Michael's approval on anything before coming to me.
Michael: Thank you.
Darryl: You're gonna be missing out on some good ideas.
Gabe: Okay, well, obviously if it's a really, really good idea, my door is open.
Michael: If they're good ideas, I'm not gonna say no!
Darryl: You said no to this one!
Michael: That was-okay, you make one mistake in fifteen years and you drag me over the coals, after everything I did for you?
Darryl: What have you done for me?
Michael: Oh...
Darryl: What have you done for me?
Michael: Well...
Darryl: Ed Truck hired me. Jo promoted me. Gabe listened to me. All you've ever done is say no to me. I have ambition. And you kept me at the same level for years.
Gabe: Ohh. Dropping bombs, right? [explosion noise] This really make you think, Michael?
Michael: Stop it! Stop, stop. We're thinking. We're thinking about it.
Gabe: Yeah.
Michael: You don't have to point to the fact that we're thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay, next time you have a really great idea, we will put it in a hat, and then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat and let her decide.
Darryl: I don't understand the point of a hat.
Gabe: You're right, we don't need a hat.
Michael: I am not budging on the hat issue.
Gabe: Okay. We're going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me, I make the final decision, period.
Michael: Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe.
Gabe: Okay, why don't we simplify this? Darryl brings it to Michael, Michael brings it to me, no one calls Jo.
Michael: Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo, then we'll give her a call.
Darryl: Cool. Okay. Sorry I lied.
Michael: Sorry I was a jerk.
Michael: Friends fight. Friends fight.
Andy: What's up, man?
Darryl: Sometimes it seems like it was better down in the warehouse, you know?
Andy: When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, the Cornell Daily Sun? This was at Cornell. I had to write an op-ed column every day. Bernard's Regards.
Darryl: This was your freshman year.
Andy: I started to ask myself, 'Do I have big plans here?' I didn't want to become editor of that paper, so I got up and walked right out of Walter Bernard hall, and that's actually when I heard eight male voices, singing, unencumbered by instruments. I was hooked. So is becoming CEO of this company your a capella group? Come on, we're going to Danny's bar. Public School.
Darryl: No. I got some work to do. I do got big plans with this company.
Jim: To be honest, I still can't believe he didn't call her back. Who doesn't call a dork like that back?
Pam: Oh, wow!
Jim: [holding Cece] Spinach in a can. Power eat spinach. [Popeye sound]
Pam: Aww, my hero!
Pam: Okay, everyone, I've tallied the votes, and the winner... of the costume celebration spectacular... and the Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book... Oscar Martinez.
Kelly: If I have to vote for someone, I don't want it to be someone who can beat me.
Ryan: Shake things up. I'm a Nader guy.
Creed: Best Edward James Olmos costume I've ever seen. Like, freaky good.


Pam: I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat.
Kelly: I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.
Michael: That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what-
Jim: Stop.
Michael: [under his breath] Um... kay. Uh, alright.
Pam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Erin: Di-Did you say vampire?
Pam: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow]
Dwight: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [looks at camera] 'Cause of the euro.
Pam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick.
Dwight: [rolls his eyes and shakes his head] Uh...
Pam: And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.
Dwight: NO, no, no. They will cost you your life.
Jim: Elaborate.
Dwight: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...
Pam: I'm not - I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Dwight: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Jim: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.
Dwight: Yes. I would welcome it.
Jim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome.
Dwight: The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.
Angela: Jim. Pam. [gasps, speaks in baby voice] And the precious bundle of God's gift to everything. [back to her normal voice] I wish you both a pleasant day. [baby voice] And you too. Yes. Praise God. Ok.
Pam: Cece's getting christened today.
Jim: Big day.
Pam: Everyone from work is here. We weren't planning on that.
Jim: Nope.
Michael: Top of the Sunday morning to you.
Andy: And a top of the day to you too, sir.
Ryan: Hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses.
Michael: Oh, yes. [mimicking smoking] Doobie-doobie doo.
Michael: I invited everyone in the office because it's not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our, all of ours joys.
Andy: [looking at Cece, under his breath] Ah, man. [looks at Erin talking to Gabe]
Andy: Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids.
Dwight: [handing out cards] For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.
Toby: Sunday church service... it's been a few years. The Big Guy and I, we got some catching up to do.
Michael: [in an old man mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.
Pam: Oh, Michael, this is just for family.
Michael: But I'm the Godfather.
Jim: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather.
Michael: Are you talking to me?
Jim: [whispers to Pam] Ok, your turn.
Michael: Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.
Pam: Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather.
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry.
Michael: [normal voice] I'm not the godfather.
Pam: Okay, thank you.
Michael: [clears his throat] So who is the godfather?
Pam: Our friend, Seth, and his wife there.
Michael: Okay. Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten?
Pam: No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They're a great couple. You should meet them later.
Michael: No, I have plenty of friends, so... all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show.
Pam: Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael.
Michael: I don't even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.
Church congregation: [singing] We ask you, Lord, come to our aid.
Pastor: Good morning.
All: Good morning.
Michael: Good morning.
Pastor: What a terrific day this is, and not just because the Eagles are playing. [laughter, Kevin giggles]
Pastor: You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico.
Ryan: I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes.
Toby: [stands outside church entrance] Okay, this is, all right, this is silly. [goes inside] [walks back out] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope...
Female church member: And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery.
Pastor: Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance? [Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time, Dwight stares at him, man sits back down]
Dwight: Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price.
Pastor: Christening calls to repentance, to faithfulness, and to discipleship. We've come to celebrate these babies.
Pam: [looking at Cece's diaper] Somebody needs a change.
Jim: Right now?
Pam: Well, she can't bring this up with her.
Jim: Okay. All right, come on. [picks up Cece from Pam, whispers to her] Where are we going? Where are we going? We're gonna take a little field trip.
Jim: [whispering, going into the bathroom with Cece] Okay. Okay. There's my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What's that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop!
Pam: [seeing Jim come in with Cece wearing an old t-shirt] What?
Jim: What?
Pam: Honey, no.
Jim: Yes.
Pam: No, no.
Jim: This is happening.
Pam: We have an extra outfit in the bag.
Jim: No. There's no extra outfit in the bag.
Pam: You said you checked it.
Jim: I did... say that.
Pastor: At this time, will the families please come join me?
Michael: Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever.
Pastor: Before we go, I'd like to remind everyone that the 'Halberts' have been kind enough to host a reception next door immediately following the service.
Jim: Mm. No. Wrong on both counts.
Jim: Okay, 'A,' Halbert. And, 'B,' I think a more appropriate statement would be, 'The 'Halberts' are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests.'
Ryan: For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?
Kelly: Try 'Jesus.'
Dwight: Opus dei.
Male church member: [to Michael] Hi. Good morning.
Michael: Good morning.
Female church member [to Michael]: Good morning.
Michael: Good morning.
Ryan: Hello.
Dwight: Shh, shh, shh.
Michael: [walking around and greeting people] How are you? Good morning. Good morning.
Lady: Good morning.
Michael: I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.
Jim: Hey.
Doug [church member]: I'm Doug Mcpherson, Davey's uncle.
Jim: Oh, well, Dave is an adorable baby.
Doug: Davey.
Jim: Yeah. [Doug walks away]
Pam: Wow.
Angela: Well, this is intimate.
Pam: We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people.
Angela: You don't know them all?
Pam: Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all.
Angela: Jesus is not your caterer. [baby voice to Cece] But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? [normal voice] They don't think.
Pam: [to Cece] Hm. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't get to come home to someone as cute as you.
Jim: Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby?
Pam: I don't know. I'm just hungry.
Jim: Okay, well, you know what? Everybody's hungry. [Pam looks at Jim] Sorry. I think I'm just hungry.
Michael: Oh, after you.
Male church member: Oh, no, after you.
Michael: No, I insist. After me.
Male church member: [laughs] I'm gonna use that one. Have a good lunch.
Michael: Thank you. You too.
Stanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.
Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
Michael: You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch.
Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes.
Girl: Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that's leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. [group of young adults cheer and applaud]
Ryan: [whispering] Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts.
Girl: This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip.
Phyllis: [chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico?
Stanley: I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are.
Michael: Shh.
Girl: Right now, Jessica's children have to walk twelve miles to a school with dirt floors.
Michael: No.
Girl: It's gonna be three months of hard work and when we're done, we'll practically be Quimixtanos.
Dwight: Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold.
Michael: [overhearing Dwight's conversation] Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey.
Dwight: I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.
Michael: Are you kidding me? Stop it.
Dwight: I'll call you back.
Girl: My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?
Andy: What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?
Michael: Shh.
Girl: Thank you. Or should I say gracias?
Pam: [sighs] Cece went down.
Woman: [holding up an empty serving dish] What was this? You're out of it.
Jim: Scones.
Woman: I didn't get one.
Pam: Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either.
Woman: Is it just the one jug of apple cider? [Pam shrugs, woman walks away]
Pam: Who the heck was that?
Jim: I think that was sconesy cider, noted baptism reception critic.
Pam: We need more food. I'll go get some subs and sodas.
Jim: All right. And cider.
Michael: [pointing to group of young adults laughing] Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals.
Stanley: You could feed the hungry. Us.
Oscar: Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time.
Michael: Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together.
Darryl: We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this?
Michael: Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party.
Phyllis: Church isn't a party, Michael.
Michael: Well, it's, it's-
Ryan: Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid?
Michael: No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month.
Jim: Oh, hey, Mee-Maw, would you watch Cece for a second? Don't worry. She's asleep. I'm just gonna track down some more chairs.
Mee-Maw: Fine, fine. I guess I'll watch Suzanne's purse and your baby.
Michael: [standing in a line saying goodbye to the kids going to Mexico] Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We're proud of you. [starts to walk down through the line and into the bus] Bye. Okay.
Michael: [on the bus] Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico?
Students: Yeah! [cheers, applause]
Michael: [in reference to the team shirts] I'll take a shirt.
Guy: Are you coming?
Michael: If you'll have me, yes.
Guy: Heck, yes.
Michael: Really? [cheers, applause] Thank you. All right.
Oscar: [seeing Michael on the bus] Michael. Get off the bus.
Michael: No, I'm not. I'm staying on the bus. I'm already on the bus. I'm going.
Gabe: Michael, this is irresponsible.
Michael: It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life.
Darryl: I agree. I think it's superb.
Gabe: Well, you have a job to do. Okay, there is no off-season when it comes to printer sales.
Michael: You know what, my job will be here when I get back.
Andy: Michael, you can't go to Mexico. You don't have your passport.
Guy: [sticking his head out Michael's window on the bus] You don't need one to get in. Plus, we can just have it sent to him down in Mexico.
Michael: Hey, right?
Phyllis: Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?
Michael: Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them.
Phyllis: Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?
Michael: Tell them that I'm in a meeting.
Dwight: Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount?
Michael: No, you may not.
Dwight: Gah!
Erin: I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave.
Michael: Thank you.
Andy: [looking at Erin] Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming!
Andy: I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick.
Guy: We're actually building them a school.
Andy: Whatever. I won't-I won't stand for it.
Michael: [waving goodbye as the bus drives away] See you in a few months.
Girl: If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn't have so many problems.
Michael: Mm. That's not gonna happen.
Andy: We're one in a million.
Girl: I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months.
Michael: Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So...
Andy: Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals...
Toby: [standing in the church sanctuary, talking to the stained glass] Why you always got to be so mean to me?
Jim: [seeing Cece gone from the couch he left her] Uh, MeeMaw, where's Cece?
MeeMaw: I don't know. I lost the purse too.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: Good-bye, Lackawana County.
Michael: How long till we get to Mexico?
Andy: Well, two days minus how long we've been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more.
Michael: Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?
Andy: I don't know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or...
Michael: Why aren't they building it themselves?
Andy: They don't know how.
Michael: Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how?
Andy: Well, Carla knows.
Michael: Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing?
Carla: Oh, trying to sleep.
Michael: What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening?
Andy: Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese?
Michael: Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday.
Andy: And the Christmas party.
Michael: And Cinco de Mayo.
Andy: Nah, no. We'll be back before that.
Michael: No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus.
Jim: Hey, guys, has anybody seen the baby?
Phyllis: Here's her carrier, but no Cece.
Jim's Dad: Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where's the little girl of honor?
Jim: I don't know, dad. I don't know.
Doug: I don't mean to bug, but do you know when those subs are due into port? I got a hungry bunch of Mcphersons over there.
Jim: I don't know. Hey, have you seen my baby?
Doug: I think maybe some blonde lady had her.
Jim: A small blonde woman?
Doug: Smaller than me.
Jim: Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small-[pointing to Angela] Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby!
Angela: [as Kevin runs to grab her] What are you doing?
Kevin: [reaching into her purse] Give me the baby!
Angela: What? Kevin!
Helene: [holding the baby, walks up to Jim] Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby.
Jim: [baby voice] Hi.
Pam: [walks up] Honey.
Jim: [to Cece] Hi. [to everyone] All right. Travel safe, Angela.
Angela: Did you think I stole your baby?
Jim: What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don't, because I've got my eye on you.
Kevin: [gasping as he looks into Angela's purse] Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby?
Angela: Someone put them in my bag.
Doug: [to Pam] So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let's haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly's.
Pam: Did you lose Cece?
Jim: Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did.
Michael: Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something?
Andy: I can make myself cry.
Michael: Do that. Do it.
Andy: Should I-I got it. I got it. [walks up to the bus driver] Um, hey, I saw a sign for a scenic overlook coming up. Really love to check out the view.
Bus driver: Can't stop. We're on a schedule.
Andy: Well, uh, there's a nice bistro coming up. We could pick up some Paninis for the road.
Bus driver: Maybe we'll stop in Tennesseee. It's not safe to talk to a driver.
Michael: [having walked up to the front] Okay, driver, driver, if you're not gonna stop this bus, then I'm going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. [pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound]
Bus driver: Stopping in Tennessee.
Guy: Hey, is there a problem, you guys?
Michael: Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please.
Guy: Why?
Andy: Just make him stop the freaking bus!
Michael: Stop the bus, okay?
Carla: Are you okay, sir?
Michael: I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take.
Girl: You have plenty left to give. You're doing-
Michael: Blah-di-blah!
Andy: It doesn't matter.
Michael: We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything.
Andy: If we went to Mexico, we'd probably screw everything up anyway.
Michael: Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay?
Andy: Stop the bus!
Michael and Andy: [shouting and clapping] Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
Guy: Okay, stop the dang bus.
Michael: [bus stopping] Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you.
Another guy: [getting off the bus] Wait for me! [bus drives away] Don't say anything to my parents.
Erin: [driving up to pick up Michael, Andy, and kid off the road] Get in quick.
Michael: Why quick?
Erin: So it's faster.
Erin: Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?
Michael: Is anyone still at the church?
Erin: No, actually most of them went to go see a movie.
Michael: What? Shut up.
Erin: Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan.
Michael: It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.
Erin: I bet. You guys.
Guy: Can I come? [silence]
Erin: Oh, Lake Wobblegone's on. Do you guys-are you cool with that?
Radio: ... banana bread, but Fred Nordquist had no appetite. He was thinking about his pair of new boots. It'd been ten years after all. As he told Mrs. Nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots.'


Erin: [to Gabe] They caught the Scranton Stranger, they trapped him in his house. [run to conference room, everyone is watching the news on a monitor]
Reporter: Police have now surrounded the apartment complex.
Michael: [whispering to Pam] They have him surrounded. It's the SWAT. The SWAT's arriving.
Reporter: It is unknown if he is armed with anything.
Kevin: They should do that thing where they play the really good music to get him to come out.
Dwight: [sighs] They shouldn't televise any of this, it just encourages copy-cats.
Angela: Just say copies, why do you have to drag cats into this.
Gabe: Okay, while this is interesting we should get back to work. These stand-offs can last a long time. What if it's another Waco.
Erin: It's pronounced wacko.
Jim: Some events are so news worthy, so historic, that you have to stop everything to watch. Balloon Boy, Michael Jackson's funeral. Things that if you didn't see them live, you wouldn't really care that you didn't see them at all.
Kelly: Columbia Street in Washington Ave! When is he gonna come out? [phone rings, Kelly answers and hangs up]
Andy: I bet he's wishing he had a hybrid, right? Sixty miles to the gallon in the city.
Kevin: No! I bet he's wishing he was strangling someone!
Michael: Ok, that's our street! That's our street! He's going down our street! [runs out of conference room.] Come on everybody! [all quickly follow]
Michael: [on sidewalk] There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it! [all groan]
Michael: [collecting pebbles off the street into a jar] Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? [old man voice] Well kiddo, I was there. I was there... And I'll tell you what. [shakes jar of pebbles] You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.
Erin: Michael!
Michael: Walk with me.
Erin: Gabe and I are having a party, and everyone's invited, and it's at his house apartment and we're gonna watch Glee.
Michael: [obviously faking being serious the whole time] Glee? What is Glee, some television program? Jim I need that thing stat!
Jim: [confused] Okay?
Erin: Yeah it's a TV show...
Michael: Dwight! Sign please. I don't have time for parties I don't have time for TV shows. Stanley! What time is that thing I have to do?
Stanley: I...
Michael: Cancel it! Are you still here? [to Erin]
Erin: Uhh. It's just that it's our first party together so...
Michael: MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? I'm a very busy man. I don't have time for your TV show.
Erin: [sad] Okay, sorry.
Michael: I'm joking.
Erin: Wait which one?
Michael: I'm joking. I'm kidding around! I'm not actually angry. [Erin laughs] I'm not busy at all, I'm not doing anything. And I know what Glee is, I'm a total Gleek.
Erin: Good me too!
Michael: You know who my favorite character is? The invalid. [Jim makes a face] I am coming to your party.
Erin: I don't know if Michael likes Gabe that much, but there's this thing on Glee called mash-up, where two things that don't go together, make one great song. Take Gabe, take Michael, you make Gay Mike. Best friends.
Kelly: [reacting to Erin's invitation] No really? Is there time to change this?! That show! Now first they say that Mr. Schu doesn't know anything about choreography, then like three episodes later he's this fantastic choreographer?! Pick a lane people!
Kelly: And what was with Jesse's sudden turn on Rachel, between Dream-On and Funk. Where the heck did that come from?! Honestly that show, it's just. It's irresponsible.
Angela: Are you going? [to Dwight]
Dwight: Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now that's a show I'd watch.
Angela: I would watch that.
Dwight: Tonight might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse.
Andy: [to Erin] You're having a party at Gabe's apartment?
Erin: Mhmm! I'd love it if you were there.
Andy: You would?
Erin: You and Michael are always the life of the party!
Andy: Try and keep me from coming!
Erin: Why would I keep you from coming?
Andy: Try and hide it, I will track this party down!
Erin: Why would I hide it! [giggling]
Michael: Kevin!
Kevin: Hey, you going tonight?
Michael: Yes, I am. Are you?
Kevin: Yeah! You gotta go to the boss's party!
Michael: What? No Gabe is... Gabe is not the boss.
Kevin: No he's not the boss.
Michael: Why did you just say he was the boss?
Kevin: Cause, you're the boss!
Michael: Yeeee... Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss?
Erin: [to Michael at Gabe's apartment] It's make your own pizza night. Isn't Gabe's place so nice?
Michael: Uh huh...
Erin: Look at the size of those wine glasses Michael!
Michael: Big...
Erin: Those posters used to be real French ads.
Michael: All right!
Gabe: So these are your cheeses, your ham, your sausages, your herbs, and your vegetables. Here's what's been done, so start creating. Some times it helps to think of a part of the world, and...
Michael: [interrupting] Okay okay okay.
Michael: Gabe likes to entertain a lot, ad he cooks in an oven, and all that jazz. I just have a different life style. They have these bags of vegetables that steam right inside their own bag. So I'll get a few ingredients, sit down in front of the TV, a bag of vegetables, before you know it I'm ready for bed!
Michael: [tossing pizza dough in the air]
Gabe: You don't really toss the dough.
Michael: Try and destroy the old ways, Gabe, well I will not let you. [throws pizza dough, hits the ceiling]
Gabe: [walking with Jim and Pam] Welcome to my Man Cave! I did my senior year in prog in Japan. Best year of my life.
Jim: You play? [referring to keyboard]
Gabe: Oh! I like to play soundscapes. I imagine one instant of a song, expanded to be the size of the universe.
Jim: You can't even do that.
Cece: [crying]
Pam: She's up! Great!
Pam: Cece, is reverse cycling, which means she sleeps all day and is up all night. Which basically means I'm up all day and I'm up all night. And if it doesn't stop soon, I am going to be up all night.
Erin: [peeking into various rooms] The show's starting. The show's starting! The show's starting! Show's starting! [Glee begins as all get nearby to watch]
Phyllis: [to Kelly] Who's that?
Kelly: Finn.
Phyllis: Who's that?
Kelly: Rachel.
Phyllis: Which one's Glee?
Kelly: You have to stop.
Michael: Where's Michael? Where's Michael? We can't start without Michael! Oh here he is! Ohhhh. Yayyy, and let the show begin! [turning up volume]
Gabe: [takes remote] It's a little loud...
Michael: Actually I think it's not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah! [takes remote, raises volume] There we go. Glee right? Rock and roll! Turn it up to elevaan! Spinal Cord!
Gabe: [lowers volum] Some of us are trying to have a conversation.
Michael: Well some of us are trying to have a...
Gabe: I'll just turn the captions on.
Michael: [grabs different remote from the table] Well I will turn up the volume.
Gabe: That's for the other box.
Michael: Okay... Heeeere's what we're gonna do! Right down the hall is a bed room. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom, follow me! Where we can crank it!
Oscar: [noise on TV, Oscar pauses show] That one! She's been in a couple episodes of Friday Night...
Kelly: You know what? I'm so confused. Is this a Glee watching party? Or a Glee pausing party? 'Cause we keep stopping it, to get a history lesson from...
Oscar: You know what? I didn't read the rules, I didn't know the rules. There, it's on. I didn't read the rule book.
Pam: [enters on Michael alone sitting on a bed watching Glee] Michael? Maybe you should try gong in the other room again. You can have my seat. It's closer to the TV. It'll seem louder.
Michael: Pam I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. If I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe I want you to take that gun, and I want you to shoot me like a hundred times in the groin until I'm dead. Okay?
Pam: You have a gun in your desk?
Ryan: [in Gabe's bedroom with Andy] Hey! Marantz Tubes Sterio. From the 1970's. I respect that. I respect that a lot. Oh hoho. The five Chinese Berilidy Herbs. No kidding. This is powdered seahorse. They say that fifteen Chinese soldiers fought off the entire army of Gangus Kong just using this stuff. You know what they say...
Andy: No what?
Ryan: What is this, Samurai wood cuts? Yep. Pretty erotic.
Andy: Yeah.
Michael: [Pam in the background struggling with Cece] Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss. David got fired. Charles got fired. Jan went crazy. Ed Truck, who I liked, got decapitated.
Dwight: Michael, I find it absolutely disgraceful that no one followed you in here for your walk-out. I took the liberty of making a list of everyone who didn't follow you in here. Jim. Oscar. Creed. Me, at first.
Pam: Maybe I should go.
Dwight: [continuing] Kelly. Kev- [to Pam] Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to? [Dwight grabs Cece and makes noises, Cece stops crying] In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.
Daryl: [to Andy] Take a shot.
Andy: Oh thanks.
Daryl: Wow, so much Asia stuff. I wonder if there's a guy in China right now, looking at a bunch of our stuff.
Andy: Why does Erin like Gabe?
Daryl: Andy look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters... I'd choose you.
Andy: That's really nice, thank you.
Daryl: And I'd blow your mind.
Andy: [pours powdered seahorse into his wine glass]
Jim: [changes channel during commercial, sports scores appear on screen.]
Oscar: Jim what are you doing?
Jim: Oh, it was commercial break so I just wanted to check the scores.
Oscar: Flip it back please.
Jim: Okay... [changes back to Glee]
Kelly: The show's back on, what happened?
Ryan: We're behind.
Oscar: Go to the recorded version.
Kelly: Oh my God what song was that?
Erin: I wasn't recording it.
Oscar: What?!
Kelly: [texting] What song was it?
Erin: Wait, why do you have to record it?
Oscar: This is why Erin! We're living it! Start recording now!
Erin: Jim. [Jim gives her the remote]
Kelly: Okay, they did Blinded by the Light and they did it with an actual blind guy. Was it worth it Jim? [Jim leaves] 'Cause we missed it!
Pam: If I could get her sleeping normally I could get my life back.
Dwight: That would be nice wouldn't it?
Pam: I can't even talk about it.
Dwight: You know it's not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suit, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do rally, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suit in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours.
Pam: I kind of doubt Gabe has suit.
Dwight: Really? Oh... Then here we are.
Erin: Michael. Gabe is making the pigs in a blanket, and he kind of needs some [Dwight shushes her] help so, [Erin whispering] he was wondering if you could help him. [Michael goes with Erin]
Andy: [enters room where Phyllis is pouring wine, using stadium announcer voice] Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Phyllis Vance! [sniffs her] Isn't that White Diamonds Maya Smith Taylor?
Phyllis: You know your perfumes!
Andy: My nanny used to wear that.
Andy: I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work, but it is totally working! [clip of him doing pull ups in Gabe's doorway] I feel exactly like a seahorse! [Seahorse impression] Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub.
Erin: Look who I found! [points to Michael]
Michael: Yeah, well I wasn't very hard to find.
Gabe: Let's go ahead and wash our hands.
Michael: Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust?
Gabe: Yep! Waste not right?
Michael: So these are pizza dogs, they aren't pigs in a blanket per se.
Erin: Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks,
Michael: Well...
Erin: Gabe was born in 1982. He was the longest baby in the hospital.
Michael: He's the longest baby in this room.
Erin: What's the longest thing you've ever seen? [Michael chuckles] For me it was the tale from Jets.
Gabe: Erin you don't have to...
Michael: You know what Erin you do have to.
Gabe: Michael! You are making this harder than it has to be.
Michael: [grimacing] That's what she said. [leaves]
Jim: [whispering] Hey.
Pam: It's a miracle. She loves him.
Jim: I don't know about, love...
Dwight: She loves me.
Angela: [whispers in Dwight's ear] Outside my car in two minutes.
Dwight: Well something's come up, I have to go.
Pam: No no no no no! She'll wake up!
Dwight: I have something to do.
Pam: Look, I know what you have to do, please stay with Cece. Dwight? I've always considered for us to be very good friends. Great friends! Remember your concussion?
Dwight: I do. But you married my worst enemy.
Jim: Well I think enemy's a strong word. 'Cause I think we have a really charming back and forth. And-
Dwight: Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.
Pam: Absolutely! [starts out]
Dwight: From Jim.
Jim: I don't think that's gonna...
Pam: Do it!
Jim: What kind of pizza would you like?
Dwight: Surprise me. No! Pepperoni.
Michael: [outside opening Gabe's cable hookup box] Okay... Alright.
TV: And the winner is, by two votes- [TV goes blank]
Kelly: Ahhh! What's going on?!?!
Andy: [muttering going on all around, Andy looks sick] Hey Creed, would you read Chinese?
Creed: Beleniege!
Andy: What does this say?
Creed: HI mahhhh. Boo yowww. Gunjo! Ooh uncow!
Andy: [confused, rushes out of the room to the room Erin's in, picks up phone, talking fast] Hello UPS! Still waiting on that five minutes with Erin order. Oh never mind it's here. Oh if it isn't the bell of the ball! [queasily] You throw a lovely party ma lady...
Erin: [concerned] Are you having a good time?
Andy: Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose?
Erin: Andy you look awful!
Andy: You're four seasons in a day. [heaves] You... got the Autumn thing going on. But if you put on ba- [heaves again] Put if you put on a blue... [stops, is struggling] It's Spring Time in the Rockies!
Erin: Are you alright?
Andy: No! [runs off]
Dwight: [referring to the pizza Jim is offering him] Insert it in my mouth.
Jim: That's not gonna make your pizza eating experience any better. Trust me.
Dwight: No, try me.
Pam: Jim, just don't think of it as degrading. Think of it as, you happen to be moving the six inches his way and he happens to be biting it.
Dwight: I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading.
Jim: Okay... [puts pizza into Dwight's mouth]
Dwight: No. Crust first. [Jim turns the pizza around] Okay, now the beer. [Jim shakes his head no] Beer me Jim. [Jim quickly puts the beer into his face] Ssss. Gentle. [drinks the beer] Now I've gotta go meet Angela.
Pam: What no, wait! You said you were gonna help us!
Dwight: I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay, she needs to be serviced.
Jim: You need to stop talking.
Dwight: Oh come on, stop the fake prissy act. We're in the real world. Sex contracts exist!
Pam: Okay fine! There must be some way to get out of it. Even just for tonight!
Dwight: Yeah sure, Jim could go see her.
Jim: [unbelievingly] Okay...
Dwight: You ever been with the blondes before? It's the big leagues.
Jim: I'm going home, and I'm taking my baby with me.
Pam: No no no, don't. I will go talk to Angela.
Dwight: She's in heat. She will eat your face off!
Pam: The reverse cycling ends tonight! [Pam leaves]
Dwight: [to Jim] A single piece of pepperoni please.
Jim: I'm not gonna- [cuts himself off, Kevin walks in]
Dwight: What are you doing?
Kevin: [getting under the bed covers] I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket!
Andy: [throws up on bed] Puts pillow in front of the puke.
Phyllis: Are you alright?
Andy: Erin likes Gabe.
Phyllis: I know. I thought you two were nice together.
Andy: Do you think that they've ever...
Phyllis: Made love? I don't know.
Andy: Well girls tell each other things right?
Phyllis: I'll see what I can find out.
Daryl: [Michael walks into disarray of people's reactions to the TV going out] Where you been?
Michael: I just went out for a walk.
Daryl: Cable's out.
Michael: What? Really? That stinks!
Gabe: It's still on upstairs.
Michael: What does that mean? Party's over? Everybody leaves? Are you sure?
Creed: [receiving message on his phone] Hey! Puck and Finn worked it out, and the solo is now a duet.
Michael: Are you kidding me?
Creed: No.
Michael: Now that's going on?
Kevin: I can't believe we're missing that!
Michael: Boy I wish I could see that. You know what? I have an idea. I don't know if it's gonna work, but let me give it this. Okay, I'm gonna give it shot. [hurries out]
Kevin: Please Michael, just make the Glee happen!
Kelly: Good luck Michael!
Phyllis: Erin! Uhm, so how long have you two been going out now?
Erin: Oh, uhm, like three months.
Phyllis: And I imagine things are starting to heat up?
Erin: I don't know.
Phyllis: Of course you don't wanna rush things! I mean the anticipation can be so exquisite. Bob and I took our time. The first time we saw each other naked we didn't even make love, we just stared at each other until we fell asleep. It was magical.
Erin: [awkwardly] I have to go Phyllis.
Phyllis: Magical...
Pam: [knocking on Angela's car window, Angela is naked inside] Hey in there. It's Pam. It's not Dwight! Don't think it's Dwight!
Angela: What are you doing here?
Pam: I know you and Dwight have this weird deal, uhm, he sent me out here to see if you could postpone.
Angela: Are you authorized to do this?
Pam: Yes! I have been so authorized.
Angela: Ok, uhm, then tell him that we'll do this tomorrow night instead.
Pam: Okay.
Angela: Wait Pam! How did he seem? Like, you know, did he seem disappointed?
Pam: You know, there are a lot of guys out there who would just love and appreciate a-
Angela: You know what Pam just save it.
Erin: [Michael is outside fixing the cable box] You did this?
Michael: No I was just check- Yeah. Yes I did, yeah yeah.
Erin: Why don't you like him?
Michael: What is there to like? He's just, he's a weird little skeevy guy with no waist, why do you care whether we like him or not?
Erin: I care if
Michael: Why? I'm not your father. [Erin looks sad] All right.
Erin: Okay...
Michael: Go to your room.
Erin: What? [confused]
Michael: Go to your room young lady!
Erin: [slowly getting it] Uhm, I'm not going to my room.
Michael: You listen to me. You listen good. You are are
Erin: You listen to me. You are
Michael: As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say.
Erin: I hate your roof!
Michael: Oh do not raise your voice to me!
Erin: I'll raise it how I want! I'll raise the roof!
Michael: Gahh, I will pull this car over!
Erin: I hate it! I hate your car!
Gabe: See ya Oscar! [Oscar leaves]
Michael: [enters, looks to Gabe] If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart I will literally kill you and your entire family.
Michael: Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin. But not too much fun! That girl's gonna turn my hair gray.
Gabe: [Andy is leaning over toilet] What happened?
Andy: I accidentally ate some seahorses.
Gabe: How much?
Andy: I didn't know it's powdered, so like four or five, I don't know.
Gabe: I've got just the thing! [leaves, comes back with a synthesizer] This one's called Earth Rise, on the Moon. [music plays]
Andy: That's so beautiful.