Ryan: [pacing back and forth.] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Pam: Okay fine. Ryan, something the matter?
Ryan: Smokey's dead.
Pam: Smokey, the bear?
Ryan: Smokey Robinson Pam. He died like an hour ago, I guess I'm the first to know.
Jim: Wow That's terrible, I really liked him.
Ryan: Oh you liked him? That's nice. Did you like when he changed the course of American music like two or three times? Did you like that tracks of my tears is maybe the last true love song ever written? I'm glad you liked him Jim. I am completely devastated right now.
Jim: Well, I second that emotion.
Ryan: Huh?
Nellie: I know a few of his songs, but what were his big ones?
Ryan: Oh God, Nellie! What wasn't his? I mean, um, 'Tracks of my Tears'?
Nellie: Yeah
Ryan: Um... God, so many, Nellie!
Pam: No, no, no, 'Tracks of My Tears' and what else? What are some more? What's one more?
Ryan: Okay, I'm not... I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today.
Pam: I don't think you love Smokey Robinson. I think you're just doing all of this to prove how deep you are about music
Ryan: Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles.
Dwight: You don't like the Beatles?
Ryan: That's... That's not the point!
Dwight: Eleanor Rigby? Paperback writer?
Ryan: Okay, you know, you always think you have time to see these legends before they go. What was I so busy doing?
Oscar: It says here this Smokey Robinson dead thing was a hoax. It's on CNN as of two minutes ago.
Ryan: Okay well, that's a relief!
Jim: Wow! Look at that! It says he's actually playing State College. That's only three hours away!
Pam: Oh my God, Ryan! That's perfect! You have to go!
Jim: Tickets are 250 bucks.
Pam: 250 dollars is nothing to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan.
Ryan: Yeah... Who's opening?
Jim: Paul Anka.
Ryan: Paul Anka?! How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that? I don't think I can see this.
Jim: Okay, you could just show up late though.
Ryan: How much is parking, like 30 bucks? That's not what Smokey would have wanted. Does want.
Pam: Tears of a clown!
Ryan: Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that!
Darryl: Looking good, RC!
Robert: Ugh, I hate ties! I feel like I'm being strangled like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84. The red room say? Or Dominick's?
Angela: Robert! The senator was going to wear dark brown tonight... I'm sure it will be fine.
Angela: My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters! Robert California bought two tables for everyone here! These people were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district!
Dwight: I don't want to alarm people, but there is a distinct chance that we are all about to be killed
Jim: Well, as long as you don't want to alarm people...
Oscar: What's going on?
Dwight: There is a disgruntled ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot.
Erin: Oh that's Andy. He's just hanging out
Dwight: That's how workplace tragedies always begin. A middle aged white male 'hanging out'. Call the cops!
Pam: Dwight, I don't think he's going to hurt anybody.
Phyllis: How do you? I mean, why do you think he's there?
Dwight: I don't even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife, could be a gun. Could be a series of guns all lined up to shoot parallel. I'm going up to the roof. [Grabs bag.] And I'm gonna bring my gym bag just in case.
Nellie: I knew this would happen! Everybody told me if I moved to America, I'd be murdered.
Andy: Hey!
Erin: Hey, just wanted to say hi and hear you say everything is normal. Maybe video tape you saying that so that everyone upstairs can see.
Angela: We think you might kill Robert.
Andy: What?
Kevin: because he fired you which means apparently you're living in your car now.
Andy: guys, everything is fine! I'm just here to pick up Erin. We're going to the Fundraiser.
Pam: Oh, great! That sounds good!
Kevin: Wait, what? You're going to the fundraiser tonight? That's going to be weird.
Andy: Why would that be weird?
Kevin: It's going to be super weird, he just fired you last week.
Erin: Andy's just coming as my date.
Kevin: Hey, I hear you! I hope you're right. It just seems like it's going to be really, really weird.
Nellie: [hears knocks on door.] Come in!
Darryl: You really re-did Andy's office, huh?
Nellie: Yes, cut out the clutter. Very simple, very minimal.
Darryl: I need you to sign these, we got a shipment going out.
Nellie: How are things in the warehouse?
Darryl: You could go downstairs and ask them?
Nellie: The warehouse isn't downstairs? [laughs.] Is it? Is it?
Darryl: Who knew, right?
Nellie: [speechless.] I...
Nellie: Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I go from casual work friends to actual good friends. The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me.
Angela: Robert, the senator and I wanted to stop by and say hello.
Andy: Hello! Did anyone order a blast from the past, with a side order of sexy?
Kevin: Oh man, this is weird!
Robert: Andrew. [Robert extends his hand.]
Andy: Oh, Wanna shake my hand, huh? Cause I want to shake your body! [hugs Robert and laughs.] I had you, I had you!
Andy: [points back and forth at the multiple cameras] Where do I look? It's been so long since I did one of these things? Okay, alright! What's the question? How am I doing? Umm... Great!
Kevin: Creed, I just bid twenty dollars on six Jiu-Jitsu lessons. No one's raping this guy!
Creed: Well, I don't want to get raped [picks up clipboard] Twenty-Two!
Kevin: No! It was my idea to not be raped!
Dwight: [Dwight enters] Wait, you think Jiu-Jitsu classes cost $22 [grabs clipboard.] If you're going to guess the price, you might as well try to be halfway accurate. $180!
Kevin: Whoa, Dwight, I don't think you understand.
Dwight: You guess the price, you win the prize. Have you never been to a Quaker fair before? God!
Kevin: So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions. I guess he's the stupid guy in the office, huh? Up till now, we didn't have one!
Andy: What haven't I been doing? Gosh, just today I was working on this rock opera that I'm writing, though it feels more like I'm receiving it than writing it.
Jim: Wow, that's exciting! But until you firm up the idea, you might want to keep it between us.
Andy: The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship that's shaped like a treble clef. And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil.
Pam: Sounds like you're doing alright.
Andy: Ehh, a little better than alright, actually. Really good!
Ryan: Oh, this guy is having a breakdown.
Senator: You know, Oscar, I really had no idea you were so passionate about animals.
Oscar: my dog Gerald is my life.
Senator: really? Well, if you want to get involved, call me. This is my cell. I'm more likely to pick up night, say after 9... Excuse me. [Walks away.]
Oscar: This confirms three things: I'm right about the senator, I still got it, and poor Angela.
Robert: [telling story to Nellie.] I stepped in right away and start-
Andy: Bobby! Bobbo! You're a rock opera guy, right? You like rock operas?
Robert: Well...
Andy: You gotta check out this thing I'm working on, it's really cool. There's this character Thomas Oregon, and he wants to destroy all the guitars in the world because he realizes that music is the one thing he can't control.
Robert: So, Thomas Oregon is an evil figure?
Andy: Evil! [chuckles.] although he's humanized in the end because he weeps uncontrolably and pees in his pants.
Robert: and the hero, who's that based on?
Andy: Me, I guess. [sings.] We're flying so high, we're crackin' the sky! Gonna fly out of this dome my girlfriend and I!
Meredith: Hey jabroni. Show some class.
Stanley: She's right, Andy. you're being a jabroni
Andy: You're being a Thomas Oregon!
Robert: Andrew, I think this may have been a bad idea. Why don't you let me pay for you and Erin to go out to a great romantic dinner tonight?
Andy: Don't need you to pay for me. I'm doing just fine, thank you. Why don't you quit harshing our mellow?
Robert: Andy you should leave. Now.
Andy: [to Waiter.] Excuse me. I would like to purchase two seats at another table, please.
Waiter: I'm sorry, the tables are sold as complete units.
Andy: then I'll take a table!
Waiter: Okay
Andy: And a high five! [Raises hand, misses high five with waiter.] Oh, let's do this again!
Andy: [waiter is cracking pepper into Andys salad] Oh, yes indeed... When! [Waiter begins walking away.] Whoa, whoa, whoa! You forgot a few salads! [waiter peppers another salad.] When!
Oscar: I stumbled into a very dramatic situation. Angelas husband just hit on me!
Pam: Oh my god!
Oscar: I know!
Jim: Wait, what? Come on!
Oscar: We were talking about animals, he gives me his cell phone number. He was just dying for me to have it.
Jim: Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying you're not dreamy, because you are, but isn't it possible that he was just schmoosing a voter?
Oscar: Well, if you would have seen the look he gave me, he wanted to run more than just my vote.
Jim: Okay, what was this look? [Oscar does the look.]
Pam: Whoa!
Jim: What happened, did he do it?
Pam: Are you- Twice! For real?
Jim: Okay guys, not every glance means something, alright? Life isn't Downton Abbey.
Pam: Life is Downton Abbey.
Jim: Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go over there and I'm going to talk to him and I guarantee you he gives out his cell phone to everybody.
Dwight: [on phone.] How much do you guys charge for a one full year gym membership? Thank you!
Dwight: It's $475! Like candy from a baby!
Andy: Hey... David Wallace!
David: Andy Bernard!
Andy: Hey, how are you?
David: How you doing, I'm great! How you doing, are you still with Dunder Mifflin?
Andy: No, got canned last week.
David: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Andy: No, best thing that ever happened to me.
David: That's the attitude to have. You know what, when I got canned, I was lost, right? I poured myself into this ridiculous vacuum for toys called Suck-It.
Andy: Yikes!
David: Yeah, exactly right? Then suddenly out of nowhere, the US military bought the patent from me for twenty million dollars! The point is, forget those guys, k? Move on! Good to see you, Andy!
Nellie: Call me a lame man, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers... Or Oreos... Or a pizza pie or, what's another food that we like?
Darryl: Tacos.
Nellie: What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos right now!
Darryl: I can go get us some tacos.
Nellie: Brilliant!
Darryl: If you loan me some money.
Nellie: Yes, I can do that. For, um, for two tacos, we'd probably need about what 20... $20? Or $25? $20?
Darryl: $30.00
Nellie: $30, yes!
Nellie: I've never eaten a taco. I'm not entirely sure what they are. As long as they're not slimy, and please god don't let them have eyes!
Oscar: [Jim shakes Senators hand, returns to table.] So?
Jim: Boom! [hands Oscar a business card.]
Oscar: This is interesting.
Pam: Hm-hmm.
Jim: what is interesting? I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.
Pam: Or you proved that he thinks you're gay.
Oscar: He does not think Jim's gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.
Pam: Well, a gay man would not leave the store wearing those shoes!
Jim: Oh, hey! you bought me those shoes!
Speaker: Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight, we are very proud to introduce a great philanthropist and a great guy. Robert California!
Robert: Thank you. Why do we love dogs? Want me to tell you why? There is no answer. Our love for them confounds reason!
Andy: can you believe this guy?
Robert: The state senator, Robert Lipton, loves dogs. he asked me if I loved dogs. you know what I said? Yes! [laughter.]
Andy: Not a joke. That was not even a joke.
Robert: Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years. when her owner passed away she came to this organization for placement. But people don't often adopt older dogs, so Bella and eleven heroes like her are being cared for by our generous volunteers because frankly nobody else will
Andy: I will! I will take all of those dogs!
Robert: Andy, that's very kind-
Andy: No, no, no. This guy can talk and talk all he wants, but it's not that complicated.
Robert: Andy why don't we discuss this at a-
Andy: No, no, no, it's about being there for someone after it's become inconvenient for them to be around. Hello everyone, I am Andy Bernard and I am going to take that bitch home! That is a female dog reference. [Points at himself] This bitch understands loyalty! Sassy human reference [grabs dog] thank you, I will take Bella and every single one of her friends!
Erin: Oh God!
Senator: Mr. Bernard, right this way.
Andy: Okay! Hope you all learned something!
Vet: Huey is going to need this medication once every 90 minutes. You can administer it orally, but he's going to puke it up. So, other end is best. Don't split up Daisy and Mojo because daisy will start to, uh... I was going to say bark, but it's more of a scream.
Andy: I'm so ready to love all of these animals. This one's even bonding with me already.
Vet: Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.
Andy: Stupid dog.
Senator: Well, if you would like to talk about this some more, my office is always open! So here's my office number, and my cell number.
Meredith: Thank you!
Pam: Well, looks like he really did just want to talk about the issues. i'm Sorry Oscar.
Oscar: sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here.
Oscar: No. I'm certainly not disappointed that Angelas husband was not hitting on me. I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.
Darryl: Tacos were on sale, eight for $3!
Nellie: Oh, great! Okay, oh... Oh, these tacos!
Darryl: Hmhmm.
Nellie: Mmm! Uhh [Eats Taco incorrectly.] Mmmm... Oh! Hmmph!
Darryl: She's trying.
Speaker: The winner of the three day trip to the sky top lodge is Dwight Schrute!
Dwight: [applause] Yes! Thank you!
Speaker: The yearlong membership to Scraton-Bikram Yoga is Dwight Schrute!
Dwight: [applause] Oh yes! Yeah!
Speaker: A one hour appointment with the kissing magician goes to Dwight Schrute!
Dwight: [applause] Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Ha, ha!
Speaker: Well, I think I can save us some time, Dwight Schrute has won every single item here!
Dwight: Thank you very much! All I had to do was look at the prices, idiots! Suck it!
Speaker: Well, Dwight, yes! You certainly are a record breaker! Your donation is the largest we've ever received at over 34 thousand dollars! [applause]
Jim: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Dwight: Thank you. Wow, I can't tell you what an honor it is to support this thing... And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever. But, I want to ask you something: when did it become all about the money. when did it become about the flower arrangements, and the white wine spritser, hmm? and all the dinner rolls. you people should be ashamed of yourselves! How many courses did we have tonight, two? Three maybe, if you choose the pudding? I mean what waste! these tables tarted up like Victorian whores! lets' remember we are all here for the dog society. He's what's important, whatever his name is. Not any of this. So that is going to be my donation to you. Thank you and good night! [throws microphone and runs away]
Senator: Oscar!
Oscar: Nice to see you again, it was lovely!
Senator: It was lovely! And don't forget to call.
Oscar: okay
Senator: thanks so much for coming
Oscar: why does this always happen to me? Ahh! I just feel so bad for Angela
Andy: [applying diaper to dog.] so it just goes on under here like this?
Vet: that's right!
Andy: Ugh, oh god!
Vet: Yeah, you never get used to that.
Jim: Hey, just wanted to check in. See how you are doing.
Andy: I am so great!
Erin: He's great. we're all great. Twelve dogs. This my life now, I'm a dog nurse.
Jim: Look at that one though, he's smiling!
Vet: Yeah, he should be! It's his first day without a muzzle.
Andy: This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me
Pam: Absolutely, it's awesome-
Jim: Yes-
Kevin: I'm sorry, are you guys nuts? He's not doing great! He was fired! This is terrible! This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you, not the best.
Andy: You're right. he's right, I am a mess. This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys that I'm fine. I guess I thought that if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe-
Vet: Maybe you would think it too! [silence.] I'm sorry, it's just I don't get to be in a lot of human conversations.
Jim: Okay well, Andy, listen. It's okay if you don't feel totally settled. This is all very fresh.
Pam: Yeah, I mean, admitting you need help is the first step!
Andy: Yes! And also, focusing on the positive. Like I got a lot of good things going on!
Jim: Yeah! Like that rock opera! You could always do that right?
Andy: Yeah, I do. I have that.
Jim: Yeah
Erin: You're going to be alright
Kevin: No. No he's not.
Andy: Yes, I am! Thank you, Kev!
Kevin: You're welcome!
Kevin: Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. and by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!
Erin: So some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs. It's been great!
Darryl: Pepper's been getting me out of the house, going on runs.
Kevin: My dog Ruby doesn't do anything, she just lays there all day! She's so chill.
Pam: What do you feed her?
Kevin: Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow, but she barely touches it. She's so dainty!
Darryl: Is she sick? How are her poops?
Kevin: Doesn't really poop. It's perfect, nothing to pick up! She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl. I put on the TV for her, but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.
Pam: Does she smell?
Kevin: She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath, because I'm afraid that she'll drown.
Kevin: People seem awful interested in you Ruby. Guess they're just jealous, right! [dog licks Kevins face.] Yeah, that a girl, that a girl! Man that stinks!


Gabe: Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat.
Dwight: Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don't you just take estrogen? [swallows powder] [coughs] There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? [kisses bicep] Mwah.
Gabe: I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They'd flex them all night at the discotheque.
Dwight: Oh, I bet you think it's all about core, huh?
Gabe: Yeah.
Dwight: Oh, please.
Gabe: Core's critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One ' lengthen. Two ' elongate.
Jim: Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who's the strongest? Well, there's only one way to solve that ' flat curl contest.
Jim: All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go.
Dwight: Feast on this, Lewis.
Gabe: I love the burn. The burn is where I live.
Jim: Come on, Gabe, you can't handle his hamstrings. You're getting hypno-thigh-zed.
Gabe: Speed set. One. Two.
Jim: Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows.
Dwight: Oh, thank you.
Jim: You're welcome.
Gabe: Five. Six.
Jim: Quick phone call from you guys, keep going,
All: Eight, nine, ten.
Gabe: We got it?
Dwight: Very funny Jim.
Gabe: Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies.
Robert: Everyone, conference room, now. [Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over]
Jim: All right, easy there, grandpa.
Dwight: I don't need your help.
Jim: Okay. You don't need my help?
Dwight: Here, here' Just'
Andy: Morning.
Erin: Hey.
Andy: Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot' these.
Erin: Oh.
Andy: You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.
Erin: Andy, if you're gonna hang out for a while, uh'
Andy: What's this?
Erin: This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in.
Andy: Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me?
Erin: No, of course not. It's just ' I think it's like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it's like, where does it end? So just' [puts visitors tag on Andy]
Andy: Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they're rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it's a little much? 'Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that's what it feels like.
Jim: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game.
Dwight: Good, we have a deal?
Jim: Thanks Janet.
Dwight: Thanks so much Earl.
Jim: Wow, simultaneous sale.
Dwight: And they said it couldn't be done. Boom!
Jim: Screw 'em.
Andy: Lot going on guys. What's happening?
Jim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.
Andy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo.
Jim: Hey, hey, come on, language.
Dwight: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge.
Dwight: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt.
Jim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients.
Stanley: You two better watch yourselves.
Phyllis: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients.
Robert: Shh' shh' [vomits in trash can]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please' I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and ' how should I say this ' Columbian whites. What ' what is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.
Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.
Nellie: I got your voicemail. From ' from last night.
Robert: Wonderful.
Nellie: And the answer' is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. [leaves]
Robert: Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn't hold the memories in?
Pam: Oh, it was this summer '
Robert: Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said.
Pam: Um, I am a little busy.
Robert: Yes, 'course. Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me.
Pam: Yeah, I can make you a list.
Robert: Let's do it now. What's number one?
Pam: Why don't I help you now?
Robert: There we go.
Pam: Okay.
Harry: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?
Erin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?
Dwight: And you are'
Harry: Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse.
Harry: What the hell's all this?
Andy: Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato.
Harry: You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one's that guy?
Jim: The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it.
Dwight: Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to ' how do I put this ' steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud.
Jim: Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money.
Dwight: Yes.
Jim: Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. [shows sketch]
Dwight: [pointing at Toby] There he is. That's Lloyd.
Toby: Me?
Creed: Yeah, you.
Harry: Where do you get off crossing state lines?
Toby: Now, we're actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe.
Toby: I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn't back down from anybody. And he calls people 'Kimosabe'.
Harry: They're New York. We're New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That's the way it's always been.
Jim: There's actually not a rule that says that.
Dwight: That's true.
Toby: That's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?
Toby: No.
Dwight: Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could've choked so many people by now.
Harry: Stay out of my state. It's in your best interest to stay out of my state.
Toby: I've seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast.
Harry: Just stay out of New York, Lloyd.
Toby: Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. [runs outside]
Jim: How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this?
Harry: Robert's here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don't think we were doing that.
Dwight: Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim's leg.
Robert: Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol ' Oh.
Andy: [Doing dishes] Sorry, not Jim.
Robert: Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?
Andy: Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries.
Robert: Oh, for god '
Harry: Robert California. What a surprise you're here in Scranton.
Robert: Harry'
Harry: So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place?
Robert: How do you mean?
Andy: I forgot, a' a pan, uh '
Harry: No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead.
Robert: Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There's no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems' so poorly timed.
Dwight: Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say.
Harry: Listen, Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions '
Dwight: Don't listen to him.
Harry: Used to be Binghamton's '
Dwight: Nope.
Harry: I want it, it's mine.
Dwight: Prestige is ours. Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert.
Harry: We need you to make a decision.
Dwight: Make a decision.
Robert: I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said' [Andy walks out]
Andy: Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. [walking to car] I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all.
Robert: Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one.
Harry: Is it just me or is our boss a freakin' weirdo? [stands up, walks outside] I'm gonna get some air.
Dwight: Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first.
Jim: [Gets up and looks out Nellie's office window] He's running!
Dwight: Damn it!
Jim: Damn it.
Dwight: Wha ' what is this supposed to be?
Jim: It's a monkey.
Dwight: Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose.
Jim: Hold on, hold on. Is this him?
Dwight: What?
Jim: Is that him?
Dwight: It's him! Do something! Get out!
Jim: What? What am I gonna do? I don't '
Dwight: Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. [Jim opens passenger door] That's it? Oh, that's great. That's like a five second delay.
Jim: Dwight!
Dwight: Come on, let's go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos.
Jim: Nos? You mean like in fast and furious?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jim: Oh, yeah, definitely have nos.
Dwight: Hit the nos.
Jim: Are you sure?
Dwight: Yes.
Jim: Brace yourself. 3' 2'
Dwight: Got it. Go.
Jim: 1. Here we go! [turns on wipers]
Andy: Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O.
Receptionist: Oh, do you have an appointment?
Andy: No, I do not.
Receptionist: Okay, I think I can squeeze you in.
Andy: Seriously? 'Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you.
Receptionist: He's really not that busy.
Mr. Ramish: Is there someone here to see me?
Receptionist: Yes, this man.
Mr. Ramish: Come on in. [Andy walks in]
Pam: So'what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight?
Nellie: Oh. Oh, I'll tell you what he does.
Angela: : [walks in] Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don't worry, I won't lay an egg.
Angela: : Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? [laughs]
Angela: : I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk.
Gabe: Did someone say girl talk?
Gabe: Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk.
Gabe: Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines.
Nellie: Do you think I'd like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish?
Gabe: Uh, I think you're gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It'll be upsetting if you don't.
Andy: I'm a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs.
Mr. Ramish: Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references?
Andy: No. I'm a rogue.
Mr. Ramish: Uh-huh.
Andy: Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now' [pulls out business card] I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime.
Mr. Ramish: Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number.
Andy: Of course they have. Which is why I'm giving you a key to my house. [gives key to C.E.O] Whatever you need ' anytime, night or day ' you just stop on by.
Mr. Ramish: You want me to drive to your house if I need paper.
Andy: Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe' you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember.
Dwight: Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. [takes off belt, ties doors together]
Dwight: [Running] Ahhh! [Slides into elevator]
Jim: You all right?
Dwight: Yeah. [Doors about to close, hand stops them] Oh.
Jim: Ah! [Harry walks in]
Jim: [Dwight pushes button for floor two] Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: Go, go! Take the stairs! Now!
Jim: What are you talking about?
Dwight: Just run! Take the stairs!
Jim: I don't even know where the stairs are!
Dwight: I'll stall him. Go!
Jim: God!
Harry: [Dwight jumping] What are you doing?
Dwight: I'm gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We'll be stuck between floors for hours. [pants fall down] Oh. [Jim runs in] My pants fell down.
Jim: What?
Dwight: My pants fell down! I don't have a belt!
Dwight: [walks into lobby] Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
Mr. Ramish: What's going on?
Dwight: Well '
Harry: Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse '
Dwight: I was here first.
Mr. Ramish: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.
Dwight: I already made an appointment' with your secretary.
Mr. Ramish: Let me stop you all right here. I've already picked a new paper supplier.
Dwight: Wait, it's not D.M Utica, is it?
Mr. Ramish: No, no, it's not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It's' Big Red Paper Company.
Jim: Big Red Paper Company?
Mr. Ramish: Mm-hmm.
Andy: Yes, yes, yes!
Harry: Give me a cup of coffee.
Dwight: Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?
Jim: All right, guys. It didn't work out for any of us, so' we're still on the same team. Let me get these.
Dwight: No. Let him get his own. It's Syracuse money.
Harry: You know, your partner's got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating?
Dwight: Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years.
Jim: But you're saying there's a chance.
Dwight: Shut up.
Pam: [Walks into conference room] Hey.
Robert: Hmm.
Pam: I stole Nellie's phone.
Robert: Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.
Pam: What do you want from me?
Robert: Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's 'yes, yes, yes, yes, never.'
Phone: Hi, Nell, it's mom. Do keep your chin up. It can't be as bad as you described.
Robert: Oh yes it can.
Phone: This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections.
Robert: Shopaholic.
Pam: Sounds like it.
Robert: Yeah.
Phone: Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?
Robert: Ah.
Phone: This is Annie from second nests. I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we're gonna hold out for that.
Pam: Okay, that's enough. [grabs phone]
Robert: Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this.
Pam: No, no, no!
Robert: No, come on.
Pam: Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They're all deleted.
Robert: Pam, Pam, you've completely bungled this!
Pam: Ah. Ahh. [walks out]
Pam: Hey.
Nellie: Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal?
Pam: Um' yes. Definitely. With your hair '
Nellie: Oh!
Pam: Certainly. Um' you dropped your cell phone.
Nellie: Oh, gosh.
Pam: Yep.
Nellie: Thank you. I'm' so stupid.
Pam: No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything.
Nellie: Oh, god, Pam. Don't get me started.
Pam: No, I will not.
Nellie: You've just got me started. Robert' is' a filthy beast. I mean, don't you get the feeling, he's just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you?
Pam: Well '
Nellie: I mean, the man talks of nothing but sex.
Pam: But sometimes he talks about flesh' and bacchanals.
Nellie: I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night.
Pam: No' don't. Just put it out of your mind.
Nellie: Pam, what is your address? I'm gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don't '
Nellie: Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper.
Nellie: Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And' I have a new friend. A friend. At work.
Robert: [Erin opens door] Erin.
Erin: There's a call for you on line one.
Robert: Who is it?
Erin: He says salvation. No last name.
Robert: Yeah, hello?
Andy: [in car] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer.
Robert: You're blackmailing me.
Andy: It's just business.
Robert: Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the *bleep* lizard king. [disconnects]
Andy: Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. [gets out of car, walks to house]
David: [opens door] Andy Bernard.
Andy: You got a minute?
David: Um' I'm in the middle of a piano lesson.
Andy: I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin.
David: Dunder Mifflin. [closes door] Now' why would I want that? It's worth half of what it was three years ago.
Andy: Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.
David: Why don't you come in? [Andy walks in, closes door]
Harry: So what would you do if you weren't selling paper?
Jim: Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions.
Dwight: What?
Jim: Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine.
Dwight: How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don't even care about nationals.
Harry: Nothing?
Jim: I don't know. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you?
Harry: I'd like to sell one big thing, you know? Like' a plane. One sale, I'm out.
Jim: That sounds lovely.
Harry: Anyway, Robert's gonna run this company into the ground, so' We won't be doing this in six months.


Oscar: [to webcam] Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes- it does get better. When I was younger, um-
Phyllis: What's he doing?
Dwight: He's searching out younger gays.
Phyllis: Oh.
Oscar: No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead.
Dwight: ...with you. [chuckles]
Oscar: No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I-
Kelly: Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.
Oscar: Do you not own a mirror?
Kelly: Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies.
Pam: I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things.
Kelly: I'm throwing out all my mirrors.
Oscar: Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple-
Robert: No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-
Oscar: It's not misleading.
Robert: -pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as 'normal.' It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.
Kevin: Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin's nose] Ooh! [whimpers]
Robert: Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God!
Dwight: You okay, Robert?
Robert: Fine.
Dwight: Put some ice on it.
Oscar: In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Maybe- maybe not much better... but better.
Sasha: One, two, three!
Dwight: I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, 'muffin basket.' Then I thought, 'What's even more precious to people than muffins?'
Jake: Can you just smile, please?
Meredith: I don't want to!
Dwight: ...their own children.
Dwight: Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel?
Angela: No thank you.
Dwight: Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them.
Jim: I know why you're doing this, Dwight.
Jim: Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest.
Dwight: [Jim rips off his clothes] Wha-? [Stanley laughs] Damn it, Jim!
Jim: Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious.
Darryl: Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Hide: Bad economy. Bad investment.
Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?
Calvin: They did not.
Darryl: And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it.
Calvin: I wouldn't.
Darryl: Aw, come on. What's the harm? [makes face] Mmm. What flavor was that?
Hide: Coconut penis.
Darryl: The coconut's pretty subtle.
Calvin: Come on, man. Can't you just give us a yes or a no?
Darryl: I don't know, man. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence. I mean, it was like, y'all came up in here dancing and everybody was- [sees Val] ooh, hold on a second. [sees Brandon] Oh.
Darryl: If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.
Andy: [wearing janitor outfit] Hi guys.
Jim: How's it going, man?
Andy: [whimpering] I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you?
Jim: Great, yeah, good.
Gabe: Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.
Nellie: Oh God.
Andy: Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants...
Nellie: No, you don't understand-
Andy: Clean the toilets.
Nellie: I don't need anyone to-
Andy: Pull the poop out of the toilets.
Nellie: That's not even a thing.
Andy: Just, please...
Nellie: Andy.
Andy: Please!
Nellie: Andy.
Andy: Give me something!
Nellie: Why don't you clean the carpets for today?
Andy: Thank you.
Nellie: You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is.
Andy: Thank you.
Nellie: You don't need to-
Andy: I have a delicious secret.
Creed: Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.
Jim: Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?
Andy: Yeah, it is actually.
Andy: Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager.
Pam: [enters with the kids] Family picture!
Jim: Pam? No!
Pam: What? Honey, we talked about this.
Jim: No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio slash trap.
Pam: Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.
Jim: No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.
Pam: No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?
Jim: Nope.
Pam: We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child.
Jim: But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are.
Pam: No, no.
Jim: Nope.
Pam: But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.
Jim: That's-
Pam: Yes!
Jim: That's-
Pam: And we'll make sure Dwight doesn't do anything C-R-A-Z-Y.
Jim: Okay.
Kevin: Wait, C-R-A-Z...
Dwight: Great, right up there.
Pam: Yeah?
Jim: Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Alright. Why don't you just-
Pam: Oh, great. Thank you.
Jim: #NAME?
Pam: Okay.
Jim: This is great.
Pam: You ready?
Jim: Excuse me.
Pam: There we go.
Jim: Just do it.
Pam: I'll just stand here?
Jim: Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great.
Photographer: Sir, could you look into the camera?
Jim: Let's do it, shoot it.
Photographer: Sir.
Jim: Great.
Dwight: Up here. [whistles]
Jim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dwight: Jim, right here, right here. [snaps fingers] Okay, good.
Jim: Oh, so that's it?
Dwight: That's it.
Pam: See? That wasn't so hard.
Dwight: Cute kids, thanks for coming.
Senator Lipton: Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody.
Angela: Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing?
Senator Lipton: Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op.
Phyllis: [laughs] Yeah.
Angela: Heh.
Erin: Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line. [points to line on floor]
Senator Lipton: Thanks.
Dwight: Well, well, well. Senator Lipton, welcome. Angela.
Angela: Dwight.
Dwight: Nice to see you. May I hold him?
Senator Lipton: Sure.
Angela: No. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day.
Angela: I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which... is impossible... because the senator is the only man I've ever been with.
Angela: [Phillip cries] See the duckie!
Dwight: Okay, hold on for a second, folks. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place.
Senator Lipton: Oh, thank you.
Angela: [slaps Dwight's hand away] No. No. I like the baby's hair the way it is.
Dwight: Really?
Andy: This is getting more and more delicious by the minute. [gargles alcohol, chokes, coughs] It's go time.
Andy: Hey Nellie, I made soup - I made you some soup.
Nellie: Well, I don't want any soup.
Andy: But it's really good- [drops soup] Oh!
Nellie: Oh come on, Andy!
Erin: I know this is going to be a great payoff.
Andy: A delicious moment.
Erin: But after you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake.
Andy: Well, but it-
Erin: Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate.
Dwight: Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me-
Angela: Uh-uh, leave us alone.
Senator Lipton: I guess we're okay with the fingernails.
Dwight: Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?
Angela: Dwight, we're fine!
Senator Lipton: Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie?
Angela: Oh no. [laughs]
Senator Lipton: I'm just gonna take him out and change him just for a second.
Dwight: He defecated, aw.
Senator Lipton: You're stinky.
Darryl: A lot has changed since y'all left, okay? You're gonna have to jump through some hoops. And the new foreman is here. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay? So I need you to show her your upmost respect. Make sure she feels welcome and at home, okay? Can you do that?
Brandon: That's some pretty blatant complementing you're doing there, man. I don't even talk to her like that.
Val: Uh, Brandon?
Darryl: I would.
Brandon: You would?
Darryl: Yeah.
Brandon: Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend.
Val: Calm down, he's not.
Darryl: Yes, I am. Just so everyone's on the same page.
Brandon: [scoffs] So you really think she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant?
Val: Brandon!
Darryl: Good slam.
Brandon: Thank you, Biggie.
Darryl: Good luck to you.
Brandon: Oh, and have a burger for me.
Senator Lipton: Okay, shall we take a few more?
Angela: I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you, Dwight.
Senator Lipton: Okay. There we go.
Angela: No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight!
Dwight: Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh?
Toby: Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you.
Nellie: You're dirty, you stink of booze, you're limping inexplicably.
Andy: I just want you guys not to worry. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine.
Jim: No, no, see? This is what we're talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk...
Erin: No, unfortunately it's true. He's been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me.
Nellie: What?
Pam: You hit her?
Andy: No. That is not the deal. Calibrate.
Erin: He's not hitting me. But, he's been verbally abusing me-
Andy: That's not true either! That's also total- Everyone, please relax. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest.
Gabe: [enters] Happy birthday to Gabe!
Nellie: Oh, get out, skeleton man!
Toby: I can refer you to someone to talk to.
Andy: [his phone rings] Huh? Hold on.
Toby: Give you a name or-
Andy: I just gonna- quick- [answers phone] Hello? Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close? What? No. no, no, no, no, no. You have to come now. Traffic clears? No, next Friday... that's not gonna work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. [inhales, hangs up] Damn it! Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back!
Jim: Oh boy.
Pam: Oh, Andy.
Oscar: What?
Andy: I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.
Oscar: David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.
Andy: Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum 'Suck It' to the U.S. military.
Jim: Andy, come on.
Kevin: Even I know that's weird.
Andy: I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.
Toby: Hey, Andy, Nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy.
Andy: Stop saying my name.
Erin: No, he's not making this up.
Andy: Thank you, Erin.
Erin: Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.
Pam: But have you ever actually seen him yourself?
Erin: Oh my God.
Andy: Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace.
Toby: Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?
Dwight: [into phone] Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.
Kelly: Now you look at me like you're adoring me, I'm gonna look at the camera like I don't even know you're there.
Ravi: I do adore you.
Robert: Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Robert: Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.
Jim: Hey.
Others: Hey!
David: Hey guys, long time.
Pam: David, what are you doing here?
Phyllis: Is it true you're buying the company?
David: Okay, I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I've been talking with Andy-
Andy: What? Thought I heard my name. What? I'm the new manager?
David: I'll get to that in a second, Andy.
Andy: But it's- it is- it is me? Right?
David: Yes, as we've discussed-
Andy: What?
David: But it's very possible-
Andy: Oh my God!
David: Probable.
Andy: Wow. From janitor to manager?
David: Yep.
Andy: That's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P.
David: There's an official announcement, a few details to be-
Andy: From total loss to total boss, I mean-
Stanley: Can we expect any payroll interruptions?
David: Now that is a great question, Stanley. Right now I think all your operations or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida, so to shift back up-
Andy: I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would.
Phyllis: So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?
David: Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.
Robert: Oof. [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO.
David: Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there.
Robert: Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess.
David: Well, okay. Great to meet you.
Robert: Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.
David: Pleasure.
Robert: I'd love to give you a little rundown on what I've learned about this place.
David: That's very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that.
Robert: Please. [laughs]
Andy: Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.
Jim: Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy.
Andy: Gosh, I hope so.
Angela: No! God, Mose! God!
Mose: Hi, Angela.
Angela: Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he?
Mose: I'm not supposed to say.
Angela: Yes! [slaps Mose] Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here!
Darryl: [taking photo with Jada] Let's see that smile. Go on. [waves to Val]
Val: [stands next to him] Right here?
Darryl: Cool.
Andy: Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.
Nellie: May I say one thing?
Andy: It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind.
Nellie: The quality of mercy is not strained.
Andy: No.
Nellie: It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
Andy: Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?
Nellie: It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.
Andy: I just want one mother[bleep] delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?
Andy: If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well?
Nellie: Special projects manager, that's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want.
Andy: All right, you sly bastard. When can you start?
David: Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him.
Meredith: Ouch. That's gotta hurt!
David: But, he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important.
Robert: David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women.
David: I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me.
Robert: Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.
Andy: Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?
Robert: Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun.
Andy: Mm. Mm-hmm. [they hug, Robert kisses him on the lips]
Robert: It's been a great year.
Dwight: Hello.
Angela: Where is it?
Dwight: They're testing it now.
Angela: How long does it take to get the results?
Dwight: Seventy-two hours.
Angela: You're gonna wait here?
Dwight: Yes. [Angela sits and holds his hand]
Angela: [Dwight kisses her] Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight!
Senator Lipton: Hey.
Oscar: Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you?
Senator Lipton: You didn't call.
Oscar: Um, well, uh, the issue that I- that concerned me...
Senator Lipton: You know what this is about. [covers Phillip's eyes] Call.


Erin: Andy's coming back today! Andy's coming back today! Ha! Andy's coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time.
Dwight: How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that's really good. But I got some disappointing medical news.
Doctor: Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father.
Angela: I told you [Dwight vomits power drink on Angela]
Kevin: Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I'm not that good at puzzles.
Oscar: [as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn't go there. [Kevin shushes him]
Kevin: So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn't get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time.
Pam: For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great.
Jim: You are really good at modesty. She's a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids' room. There's a hippo leading a parade of 500 children'
Pam: Kay, well, you had that interesting thing.
Jim: Oh, yeah
Pam: Yes, Jim's friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college.
Jim: Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners.
Pam: And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too.
Jim: In Philly, so, that doesn't really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea.
Pam: He said if it takes off he's gonna buy us a new car.
Jim: An Altima or better.
Toby: Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fianc�� Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university.
Kelly: [tossing out winter coats] I don't need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan.
Toby: Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it
Kelly: Enjoy the snow losers.
Erin: I'm so happy for you Kelly.
Toby: Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons.
Ryan: I've actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It's a big university town. And, uh, that's not garbage, it's out clothes.
Pam: And that was our summer.
Jim: we good?
Off-camera: Yeah
Pam: Don't you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company.
Off-camera: Well we're more following you guys, to see how you turn out.
Pam: Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don't think anything's gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there's just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time.
Erin: Andy's coming back today!
Clark: Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out?
Stanley: Oh, my god. It's called a garbage can.
Phyllis: Helpless.
Toby: There's two new guys back there with me now. They're in their 20s. And we really get along.
Clark: [Playing computer game with Toby] You're looking good.
Toby: Just three single guys. Getting into trouble.
Stanley: They're like the new Jim and Dwight.
Nellie: Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect.
Meredith: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.
Pete: No thank you. My name's Pete.
Jim: No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith's face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim.
Erin: Andy's here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy's here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy's here. Pam, he's here. [squeals as Andy walks in]
Andy: Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it'll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right!
Nellie: It sounds amazing, tell us all about it.
Andy: What're you still doing here?
Nellie: Wonderful, thanks.
Andy: You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died.
Nellie: Brilliant.
Andy: See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It's Clark and, um'
Pete: Pete!
Andy: In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.
Pete: What? Why?
Andy: Cause you're always taking dumps.
Pete: No I'm not.
Andy: Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time.
Clark: I love it.
Darryl: Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr.
Clark: No, I prefer Fart.
Andy: No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane.
Dwight: I don't see it.
Clark: I don't either.
Andy: Whoa! Mind blown. It's like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr?
Dwight: Yes, yes I am. [puts his arm around Clark]
Andy: Dwight, Jr! [Dwight gives Clark a noogie]
Dwight: In a way it's like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they'll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I'll have a grandson.
Angela: Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption.
Kevin: The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked?
Kevin: Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin.
Angela: No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look [starts playing video on computer]. He's such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants
Kevin: I'll take him.
Angela: Please, after the turtle?
Kevin: I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!
Angela: Oscar, Oscar, will you take him?
Oscar: No, I'm a dog person.
Angela: If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.
Oscar: Those guys always change back, Angela.
Andy: David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm.
David: Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive.
Toby: Hey you wanted to see me?
Andy: Yeah, I gotta go David. [hangs up phone] Why is Nellie still here?
Toby: You can only fire Nellie for cause.
Andy: Mm, then I will make up a cause.
Toby: Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you.
Andy: Then forget I just told you that.
Toby: Can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?
Andy: Now I know why Michael hated you so much.
Dwight: Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods!
Clark: Yep, body by Cheez-it
Dwight: Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested?
Clark: I think I'm busy that night. Or I would.
Dwight: Well, we're both just kinda learning as we go, aren't we?
Clark: Learning what?
Dwight: Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head.
Clark: Kay.
Dwight: So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man?
Clark: Is this'is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that's totally fine. Like, I'm fine with it. But you should know that I'm into the ladies.
Dwight: Spoken like a true root man.
Clark: You know, if you're ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you.
Dwight: My calls?
Clark: So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven't had time to pursue yet?
Dwight: You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?
Clark: Yeah, I'll just give it a glance'
Dwight: Ok
Clark: I'll give it a read.
Dwight: With my leads and stuff like that?
Clark: Yeah.
Dwight: Cause you're interested in going into sales?
Clark: I am.
Dwight: Wow, that's great. That's great. Ok, good, let's talk about that, ok?
Clark: Ok.
Dwight: You're not getting my clients! Nice try.
Dwight: Paranoid? I'm not familiar with the word. And I really don't have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job.
Dwight: Jim, get ready for the battle of your life.
Jim: Done. Explain.
Dwight: The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.
Jim: Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday.
Dwight: Wait, sales'what sales meeting?
Jim: The new guys called one.
Dwight: The new guys called a sales meeting?
Jim: Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black?
Dwight: There's no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?
Jim: You should ask him. It's a color you would never expect. [Dwight storms off] Too easy.
Angela: Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn't given me a definite yes or no.
Oscar: Definitely no.
Angela: Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I'm fine with either, but not both. [to Pam] Listen, you're in this, but you need to wow me, ok?
Andy: I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It's going to be terrible.
Nellie: Not necessarily
Andy: No I'm going to make sure that it is. And if it isn't, I'm going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don't like to throw around the b-word, but I'm going to be a huge bitch to you.
Andy: Now this is called slack lining.
Andy: I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb.
Andy: If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you'll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather.
Rafe: Iceman.
Andy: That's me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete's foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack.
Jim: You a sports fan?
Pete: Sure, boxing, tennis.
Jim: Oh. Any team sports?
Pete: NASCAR. The Amazing Race.
Jim: Phillies fan, though, right?
Pete: You mean horses?
Jim: No, like baseball. A baseball team.
Pete: Ah, I like the Red Sox. I'm from Vermont.
Jim: Ok. Good talk.
Jim: I have nothing in common with Plop.
Andy: All right, who's next? Nellie?
Nellie: Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends.
Andy: Nonsense. Get up here.
Kevin: Go ahead
Andy: Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels?
Nellie: I'm very self-conscious about my feet.
Andy: Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! [pushes Nellie off slack line] You suck. Alright, who's next? Darryl?
Darryl: This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.
Andy: Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed.
Clark: Uh, I guess I could give it shot.
Andy: Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up.
Clark: Ok
Andy: Focus on the horizon. [Clark successfully walks the slack line] Whoa! Look at this guy.
Clark: I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.
Darryl: Go, Dwight Jr!
Andy: Hey, yes.
Dwight: Boo, unimpressed. It's a tightrope for babies. Boo!
Clark: Alright, let's see you do it.
Andy: Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.
Andy: Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?
Dwight: Ok, I am just getting started, ok?
Clark: You got this, it's all you. [as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around] Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It's not a race, Dwight.
Andy: Well it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.
Dwight: [bleeding heavily from the mouth] That's not true. Just give me another chance.
Oscar: But your mouth is ble'
Toby: This is a bloodbath. Alright, I'm calling this.
Dwight: What?
Toby: It is enough of this. Everyone, let's go back to work.
Dwight: This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. [tries to go in locked door] Idiots.
Dwight: Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn't seem so macho now, does it? It's a jump rope!
Pam: Dwight!
Dwight: Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on.
Pam: [sees trapeze contraption] What are you doing?
Dwight: Come here, I'll show you.
Angela: Why do you want this cat?
Pete: I don't want it, really.
Angela: How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions?
Pete: I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night.
Angela: Have you taken any concrete steps?
Pete: Well, I'm still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list.
Jim: Oh, come on, Pete! God, that's just sad. If he doesn't watch himself, he's gonna be here for years, doing nothing. [sober realization] Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim.
Dwight: Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it's literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole.
Pam: I will?
Dwight: You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn't you say?
Pam: Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds.
Dwight: So you'll do it?
Pam: No.
Dwight: Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life.
Pam: Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life.
Dwight: Come on.
Pam: Exactly the way it is.
Dwight: No, Pam.
Pam: Yes, and there's nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it.
Dwight: Please? Please, Pam?
Pam: Find someone else, I don't know. Ask Phyllis.
Dwight: I can't use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I'll be launched into space. God, you're so insensitive.
Pete: Why are you getting rid of it?
Angela: Allergies.
Pete: Your husband?
Angela: No, the baby. Please, it's my husband's favorite cat. He's broken up about it. It's the only time I've seen him cry other than our wedding night.
Oscar: You know what? I will take Comstock.
Angela: Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you!
Oscar: I'll come by after work and pick him up.
Angela: Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won't get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight
Oscar: C'est la vie.
Angela: Please don't teach the cat French.
Oscar: [on phone] Yeah. Good news, tonight when you come over for dinner, you can play with your old buddy Comstock.
Pam: You ready?
Jim: Yeah. You know what? I'll meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call.
Pam: Kay.
Dwight: Ok. [prepares bike trapeze]Oh, god.
Dwight: Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I'm about to prove it. Dwight Schrute!
Jim: Hey, man. It's halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don't. I'm in. Yeah, yep, I'm all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. [hangs up] Yeah!
Dwight: Woo! [starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over, he dangles from the handlebars] Ahh!!
Creed: In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.
Meredith: Crap. Sorry, Nellie.
Nellie: Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would'[hit in the face with trash]
Stanley: Mm, swish.
Nellie: Oh, it's nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are.
Andy: There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge.
Nellie: [As trash is thrown at her] Fluke.


Pam: [surveying an untidy office] The building's custodian is on vacation for the month and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement. So, instead, we're living in filth. But, not for long. Because I have created the chore wheel.
Kevin: [viewing the chore wheel for the first time] Oh, yeah! Can I spin first?
Pam: Well, it doesn't spin. We'll just move the wheel one notch each morning and' you see what chore you get that day.
Kevin: A wheel is supposed to spin.
Erin: Yeah, you know, like [motions arm in circles] guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh' guh.
Pam: No, I'm familiar with spinning. It's just that wouldn't work with a chore wheel because people might get the same chore-
Andy: [interrupting] Bugh, boring. All she talks about is chores.
Creed: A wheel wants to spin, Pam.
Jim: [reluctantly] Spinning would be more fun.
Pam: [frustrated] 'Kay.
Kevin: [spinning a new 'chore wheel' while everyone claps] Okay, that's what I'm talking about! Big money, big money! [wheel stops on 'mug duty', disappointed] Mug duty?
Pam: Yes, you clean all the mugs in the sink.
Kevin: This sucks.
Erin: Yeah, seriously, it's like everything on there is work.
Pam: I don't think you guys understand why we're doing this. It's-
Kevin: Yeah, I don't think that you understand wheels.
Pam: I've been through several rounds of development with the team and here's where we stand with the chore wheel. [introducing a third 'chore wheel', excited] We've got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it's more fun this way.
Pam: [everyone cheers as Meredith spins and lands on 'tiny wheel'] The tiny wheel actually does have chores. It's so cute no one seems to mind.
Pam: [referencing the 'tiny wheel'] Toilets! [everyone cheers as Meredith accepts her chore]
Jim: [at the Halpert residence as Cece twirls in the front yard, exiting front door] Pam, we gotta go. Cece, go back inside. Grandma's got breakfast, OK? [to camera] We are going to Roy's wedding. Yep, Roy. I think the only weird thing about going to your wife's ex-fianc'��s wedding on a weekday at eight AM is that it's your wife's ex-fianc��.
Pam: [exiting house] Thanks, mom!
Jim: [to Pam] A banana?
Pam: Yeah. I'm afraid he's only gonna have hot dogs.
Jim: Oh, come on. Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding.
Pam: Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.
Jim: [to camera] Just' so weird.
Erin: [as Pete and Clark enter office] Oh, Pete, you've got mail.
Pete: Really? I got something?
Erin: Well, it's addressed to Customer Service so, it's your mail.
Clark: Well, you know, I'm also Customer Service.
Erin: Yeah, I'm alternating. [gestures both men]
Pete: [sarcastically] Yay, another person yelling at me.
Erin: Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time.
Pete: That's really nice.
Clark: [looking down at Erin's desk] Wow, Newsweek, huh? This election' thing is crazy, right?
Pete: [referring to the letter] It's open.
Erin: Oh yeah, I accidentally read it. It's not a nice letter.
Pete: [whispering] OK.
Nellie: [distributing paperwork to the office] Get excited. The special projects fairy has arrived.
Creed: I know you don't really exist.
Nellie: Today, I launch my big charity initiative 'Operation Give Back'. Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far but, this one is about charity. So, I'd like to see him piss on that one.
Roy: [at Roy's wedding] Darryl! Ha-ha! What's happening?
Darryl: Congratulations, baby!
Roy: Ah, thank you!
Jim: [Jim and Pam approaching the wedding venue] Is this his house?
Pam: Think so.
Server: [approaching Jim and Pam] Mimosa?
Pam: [taking glass] Thank you.
Server: Would you like me to take your peel?
Pam: [embarrassed] Yes, thank you. [finishes banana and hands server the peel]
Jim: OK.
Pam: [as Jim receives and declines a call] Who's that?
Jim: Uh, my ex-fianc��.
Pam: [sarcastically] Ha-ha.
Jim: I started a new business with my college friend. But, Pam doesn't know. Um' actually I did tell Pam and we decided 'no'. But, then I decided 'yes' anyway. So, I'm thinking there's another conversation coming. And, it's hard to know when that will be.
Nellie: With Operation Give Back, you pick the charities Dunder-Mifflin supports.
Kevin: [grinning] Oh boy! What's happening?
Nellie: There's four thousand dollars to give away. So, who has filled out their form? Stanley?
Stanley: American Diabetes Association.
Angela: Um, you have diabetes, Stanley. [to Nellie] I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?
Toby: I w-, uh, I would love to give uh-
Kevin: [excited] Heifer's International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It's a great prank.
Creed: I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes.
Nellie: Dwight, what about you?
Dwight: I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works.
Andy: Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives.
Nellie: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.
Nellie: Dwight, you will be participating.
Dwight: No thank you.
Nellie: Participation is mandatory; Dwight, but you can choose whatever cause you like.
Dwight: Fine, I chose the Global Relief Foundation.
Nellie: Great, thank you.
Dwight: Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban.
Nellie: [everyone groans] Oh, for goodness' sake, Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan.
Creed: The Taliban is the worst. Great heroine, though.
Nellie: Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Give Back.
Dwight: Well, it looks like there won't be any Operation Give Back. Ha, ha. The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You're welcome. [wads up Nellie's charity sheet and tosses it toward her]
Jim: [approaches Roy back at the wedding] There he is. Is it almost time to cut the pancake, or what?
Roy: Aw, yeah, god, we appreciate everyone coming so early. It's, everyone's just been so nice.
Jim: Thanks for inviting us, by the way-
Roy: Are you kidding?
Jim: That was, that was a surprise.
Roy: Come on. If it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura. I mean, seriously, kinda dodged a bullet on that one. [sees Jim's reaction] Just kidding.
Jim: You're welcome.
Roy: Thanks...aw.
Jim: By the way, man, this place is... beautiful.
Roy: Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off?
Jim: Gravel company?
Roy: Yeah. What about you? What are you doing?
Jim: Not gravel, obviously. [both chuckle] No, things are good. Things are good. Got some stuff in the works. So-
Roy: Oh, cool.
Jim: Yeah, you never know.
Kenny: Hey bro, stop wasting time with this haircut. [referring to Jim] He's got a fifty-thousand dollar sports car. Cheers.
Jim: OK, Kenny.
Clark: [talking on phone] Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out but where am I gonna find somebody that's pretty, smart and well-informed? Huh? Hold on, hold on. [covers phone's receiver] Erin, do you know anybody that might want... [has realization] Oh my gosh. You love the news, right?
Erin: Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad.
Clark: Well, I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind.
Pete: Uh, is it Duncan?
Clark: He's looking for on-air talent and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape.
Erin: You mean, put me on the news?
Clark: You'll just come over, put on little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we'll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple different ways, with a couple different outfits. It'd be really tasteful and it'd really help me out with Duncan... with my friend. [Erin considers] What do you say? Huh?
Erin: Maybe, ok? Let me think about it.
Clark: [Pete looks on disappointed] Ok.
Erin: Whoo!
Clark: Think it over. [punches Pete]
Pete: No, Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn, and Rob. But, you don't know them.
Erin: I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon?
Roy: So, ah, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you. [approaches piano]
Jim: He plays piano?
Pam: No. Roy? No.
Roy: You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it. [sits in front of piano]
Darryl: [clapping] You got this, Roy. [Roy begins playing and singing She's Got a Way by Billy Joel, Pam and Jim looked shocked, Phyllis and Bob begin making out]
Pam: [in the car] We still surprise each other.
Jim: Definitely.
Pam: You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with-
Jim: Courtside seats. Sixers.
Pam: Yes. But, what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was-
Jim: It was an away game.
Pam: In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams. [long pause] Do we know everything about each other?
Jim: No.
Pam: Tell me one thing about you I don't know.
Jim: [laughs] Um, ok. [thinks but says nothing]
Jim: [in the kitchen] Oh, here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I-
Pam: And you thought you guys were millionaires.
Jim: You heard that one.
Pam: Yes. But there's, wait, oh, there's a funny ending to that story. I can't remember.
Jim: That I thought we were millionaires.
Pam: Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That's funny. Shoot, I knew that one.
Jim: That's all right.
Angela: The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next. [Oscar chokes on his coffee]
Jim: You all right? [Oscar nods]
Nellie: You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.
Dwight: Anything else would be inconsistent.
Nellie: Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office? [offers Dwight a contract]
Dwight: [takes contract] Absolutely, I will.
Dwight: I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. [in a fake English accent] You don't have a plan.
Nellie: When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan.
Nellie: [holds up pen as Dwight searches his desk] Looking for this?
Dwight: What the? [follows Nellie into the break room]
Nellie: Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it.
Dwight: [taking pen back] Gimme that.
Nellie: Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off.
Dwight: You're insane.
Nellie: I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity.
Dwight: Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you.
Nellie: In that case, you... [pulls out a cleaver] will have to chop off my hand.
Dwight: [considers then takes cleaver] This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you'll miss the most.
Nellie: I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands.
Dwight: Sounds like a plan.
Andy: [in his office] Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment?
Erin: Yeah.
Andy: [entering annex] Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?
Clark: Uh... couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe, no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut.
Andy: Really?
Clark: Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back.
Pete: Seems unnecessary for an audition.
Clark: And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so-
Andy: Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.
Clark: I absolutely will do that.
Andy: Awesome. [to Pete] Plop!
Clark: Pff. Guess I'll just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits.
Pete: That Clark, huh? Errr [punches palm] Ca!
Oscar: [in kitchen with several people around] Next question for our oldie-weds-
Kevin: What's the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?
Angela: [to Kevin] Language.
Phyllis: Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?
Oscar: Pam's first celebrity crush.
Toby: [whispering] John Stamos.
Jim: Ready?
Pam: Uh-huh.
Jim: [as he and Pam flip their cards] John Stamos.
Angela: Oh!
Pam: Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to-
Toby: Johnny Depp.
Pam: Johnny Depp. [everyone looks confused toward Toby]
Toby: [after awkward pause] Sh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp.
Kevin: Totally. George Clooney.
Toby: Uh-huh.
Angela: OK, I have one. I have one. [Jim's phone rings and he motions he's taking the call elsewhere]
Kevin: [while Angela tries asking a question] What is the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?
Angela: [as Pam wonders about Jim] Kevin, stop it with that question.
Jim: [in the stairwell on his phone] Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And what'd they say? That's awesome! That, oh my god! Wow!
Jim: It's not even real yet. And I'm not gonna tell her 'til it's real.
Pam: I think maybe there actually is something I don't know about Jim.
Darryl: Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting in the conference room to discuss Erin's confidence.
Andy: Her body. We're gonna talk about her body. [to Darryl] Good. Great job.
Darryl: Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather 'cause I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black.
Andy: [to a full conference room] Erin has an audition to be a newscaster. [general acknowledgement]
Andy: Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right? Darryl.
Darryl: OK, um, I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color.
Andy: Yeah, right?
Jim: I'm sorry. This is for a news audition?
Andy: Yeah.
Oscar: Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability?
Andy: News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.
Oscar: I'm so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America - Walter Cronkite.
Meredith: Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that mustache ride.
Oscar: Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? Or...
Angela: Has she done the pageant circuit?
Erin: No, I watch the news.
Andy: She's gonna be amazing. Look at her. She's gonna light up the screen.
Erin: This is a first for me. And, I don't get a lot of chances, so I have to take them really seriously. I will do whatever it takes to get the job.
Clark: [whispering to Pete] Whatever it takes.
Pete: [whispering] Yeah, I know, I heard. I heard.
Dwight: [places Nellie's hand on a board and holds up cleaver] This is it. Any questions?
Nellie: Is it gonna be long?
Dwight: No. It's gonna be over before you know it.
Erin: [pretending to read news] Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas. Aren't you glad you waited? Karzai commented.
Darryl: Um, where did you get that story?
Erin: A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events.
Andy: I love it. It's fantastic. Now, tag it with your name.
Erin: For Channel 11 news, I'm Erin Hannon.
Andy: Pause after 'news'.
Erin: For Channel 11 news... I'm Erin Hannon.
Andy: No, pause longer.
Darryl: That was a good one.
Andy: Pause, pause longer. OK? Builds suspense. Don't be shy.
Erin: Got it. For Channel 11 news... [very long pause]
Andy: Wha, it's-
Erin: I'm Erin Hannon.
Andy: OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there.
Jim: [as Pam stares at him] I can feel you looking at me.
Pam: OK. Well, here's something you don't know. A couple of weeks ago-
Jim: Uh-huh.
Pam: I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didn't tell you because, I don't know, I felt embarrassed. And, I didn't know if you would be mad or worried. But, anyway, I thought you'd want to know.
Jim: [after a pause] That didn't happen. You would've told me right away.
Pam: Yeah, I would've. What about you? Come on, there's gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me.
Jim: Uh... [looks at Pam]
Pam: [looks knowingly back] Just tell me.
Jim: God, give it up, Beesley. You know me too well.
Dwight: Heh! Ha! [making various sounds and movements while preparing to severe Nellie's hand] [Darryl enters, sees what's happening, and quietly exits]
Pete: Hey, um, I knew something bothered me and I finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna want to see is how Erin relates to the other people on the news team.
Erin: Oh.
Pete: The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone.
Erin: Oh god.
Pete: Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host... he's already doing camera.
Erin: Tuh.
Pete: Someone who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know. [Andy smiles at camera]
Dwight: Ha! [raises cleaver] This is for real this time.
Darryl: It's getting late. I thought you guys could use a little [sets up laptop] inspiration.
Nellie: [Darryl hits play] Oh, a movie. What is this?
Darryl: 127 hours. It's about this guy who-
Dwight: No, no. No spoilers. Please.
Darryl: My bad.
Dwight: No.
Darryl: Goodnight.
Clark: [answers his door to find Erin, Andy and Pete] Hey! Everybody.
Andy: Yeah.
Clark: Come in.
Andy: All right!
Clark: Come on in.
Andy: Nice.
Clark: [to Pete] What're you doing here?
Pete: Sorry, man. Andy though Erin needed a co-anchor. I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied.
Erin: [news anchor audition] The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns.
Andy: [also as anchor] Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Erin: Well, he tried to but the fire door was blocked.
Andy: He sure did.
Clark: All right. We got that. That's a rap, everybody.
Erin: Aw!
Andy: Just, you sure Clark?
Clark: Yep, she's done.
Andy: No, I just, I don't mean Erin. I mean for me. I didn't feel good about that.
Clark: No, we got it. We got it.
Erin: Great! Let's get some food. I'm starving.
Andy: I don't think we did get it. I could do, uh, a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing.
Clark: OK, I don't.
Andy: All right.
Erin: I'm hungry.
Andy: Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something?
Pete: Yeah, whatever you say, boss.
Andy: OK. [to Erin] I'll call you later.
Erin: OK.
Andy: [to Clark] So this is a single.
Erin: Hey, even if this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it. And, maybe it'll work out for Andy.
Dwight: [as he and Nellie watch the movie] Oh god.
Nellie: That is absolutely revolting!
Dwight: Yeah.
Nellie: He is so good, though.
Dwight: Yes.
Nellie: The way he just cuts off his arm.
Dwight: If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Nellie: Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time.
Dwight: Whoopty doo. That doesn't make you a genius.
Nellie: Well, it doesn't make you stupid.
Dwight: Yeah, it does, actually. It makes you real stupid.
Nellie: Stupid like you.
Dwight: No, like you.
Nellie: Like you.
Dwight: You're the stupid one.
Nellie: You're the stupid one.
Dwight: You're the stupid one.
Nellie: You're the stupid one.
Dwight: You, you, you, you...