{"text": "Michael: All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?\nJim: Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...\nMichael: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?\nJim: Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.\nMichael: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.\nMichael: [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. [quick cut scene] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done.\nMichael: I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?\nPam: Well. I don't know.\nMichael: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls]\nPam: What?\nMichael: Any messages?\nPam: Uh, yeah. Just a fax.\nMichael: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.\nPam: You haven't told me.\nMichael: It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.\nMichael: People say I am the best boss. They go, 'God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious.' 'And you get the best out of us.' [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.\nDwight: [singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming]\nJim: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.\nMichael: Whassup!\nJim: Whassup! I still love that after seven years.\nMichael: Whassup!\nDwight: Whassup!\nMichael: Whass...up!\nDwight: Whassup.\nMichael: [Strains, grunts] What?\nJim: Nothing.\nMichael: OK. All right. See you later.\nJim: All right. Take care.\nMichael: Back to work.\nJan: [on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great.\nMichael: Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.\nJan: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?\nMichael: Um... Me no get an agenda.\nJan: What? I'm sorry?\nMichael: I didn't get any agenda.\nJan: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.\nMichael: Really? I didn't... [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning?\nPam: Uh, yeah, the one...\nMichael: Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?\nPam: You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.\nMichael: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.\nJan: Do you want to look at mine?\nMichael: Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.\nJan: OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.\nMichael: OK...\nJan: Michael, don't panic.\nMichael: No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.\nJan: No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided.\nMichael: All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!\nJan: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.\nMichael: OK. No problem.\nJan: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.\nMichael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?\nMichael: Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?\nJan: Go ahead.\nMichel: Packman.\nTodd Packer: Hey, you big queen.\nMichael: Oh, that's not appropriate.\nTodd Packer: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?\nMichael: Uh, I don't know what you mean.\nTodd Packer: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?\nMichael: Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.\nJan: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.\nMichael: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [zips his lips] Like that.\nPhyllis: So what does downsizing actually mean?\nStanley: Well...\nOscar: You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing.\nAngela: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.\nKevin: Yeah, it'll be you.\nPam: I have an important question for you.\nJim: Yes?\nPam: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?\nJim: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.\nMichael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.\nMichael: Hey.\nRyan: Hey.\nPam: This is Mr. Scott.\nMichael: Guilty! Guilty as charged!\nRyan: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.\nMichael: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.\nRyan: Yup.\nMichael: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [hold hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [Continues with cod German]\nPam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.\nJim: Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?\nDwight: What?\nJim: What are you doing?\nDwight: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.\nJim: It's not on your desk.\nDwight: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.\nDwight: You can't do that.\nJim: Why not?\nDwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.\nJim: [crosses fingers] We'll see. [Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.\nDwight: Downsizing?\nDwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.\nPam: You just still have these messages from yesterday.\nMichael: Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect]\nPam: What?\nMichael: Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.\nPam: Don't we all?\nMichael: I'm sorry?\nPam: Nothing.\nMichael: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs]\nMichael: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.\nMichael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.\nMichael: Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.\nDwight: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.\nMichael: Assistant to the Regional Manager.\nDwight: OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?\nMichael: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.\nOscar: Can't you just tell us.\nDwight: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?\nMichael: You don't know what it is. [Laughs]\nDwight: OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.\nMichael: I don't need your permission.\nDwight: Go ahead.\nMichael: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.\nRyan: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know.\nOscar: Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?\nMichael: Not gonna happen.\nStanley: It could be out of your hands Michael.\nMichael: It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.\nStanley: Can you promise that?\nDwight: On his mother's grave.\nMichael: No.\nPhyllis: What?\nMichael: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.\nStanley: It's just that we need to know.\nMichael: I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.\nPam: I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.\nMan: Are you sure about that?\nMichael: Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.\nDwight: Pam, information is power.\nStanley: You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?\nMichael: No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.\nJim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.\nPam: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs]\nMichael: Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.\nRyan: What's up? Nice to meet you.\nMichael: Introduce yourself. Be polite.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.\nMichael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.\nDwight: Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.\nMichael: That's his profit.\nDwight: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.\nDwight: Damn it! Jim!\nMichael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?\nDwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.\nPam: [Laughing]\nDwight: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.\nDwight: It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.\nMichael: What is that?\nDwight: That is my stapler.\nMichael: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.\nDwight: OK you know what, you can be a witness. [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him?\nJim: How do you know it was me?\nDwight: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?\nMichael: Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.\nJim: OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.\nMichael: [Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.\nRyan: You should've put him in custardy.\nMichael: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.\nDwight: OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.\nMichael: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.\nJim: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.\nPam: So when are we going out?\nJim: Tonight, hopefully.\nPam: OK. Yeah.\nRoy: Hey, man.\nJim: What's going on?\nRoy: Hey, baby.\nPam: Hey.\nPam: Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.\nPam: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?\nRoy: No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.\nPam: OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.\nJim: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.\nRoy: It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going.\nJim: Yeah, yeah.\nJim: Um... What's in the bag?\nRoy: Just tell her I'll talk to her later.\nJim: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.\nJim: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head]\nMichael: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?\nRyan: All right.\nMichael: Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...\nPam: You got a fax.\nMichael: Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.\nPam: What? Why?\nMichael: Why? Well, theft and stealing.\nPam: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?\nMichael: Post-it Notes.\nPam: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?\nMichael: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.\nPam: Are you serious?\nMichael: Yeah. I am.\nPam: I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.\nMichael: But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.\nMichael: [Pam starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.\nPam: You're a jerk.\nMichael: I don't know about that.\nMichael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, 'Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?' Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nJim: How are things?\nPam: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...\nJim: Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?\nPam: It's better, thanks.\nJim: Good. Good.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: That's great\nPam: Is...?\nJim: Yeah?\nPam: Um... Are you...\nJim: Am I walking out?\nPam: Yes.\nJim: Yes, I... Do you want to...\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Great. Let me just...\nJim: [Car horn honking] Oh, Roy.\nPam: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend.\nJim: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [looks at camera] You know what, just come here.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.\nMichael: [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.\nJim: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.\nMichael: Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?\nPam: I guess.\nMichael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.\nPam: What?\nMichael: Messages?\nDwight: People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, 'Hello, how are you? How's business been going?' And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?' And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that.\nMichael: Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly?\nRyan: Uh, Shemp.\nMichael: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.\nRyan: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different.\nMichael: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs]\nMichael: All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] 'I'm gonna get you, downsizing.' No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.\nMichael: So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] 'Very interesting, but stupid.' Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.\nAngela: My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar.\nOscar: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor.\nAngela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.\nOscar: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.\nKevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.\nAngela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um...\nOscar: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back.\nAngela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too.\nMichael: What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.\nMichael: What's that?\nPam: Wired.\nMichael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.\nPam: Oh, yeah.\nMichael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?\nPam: Smoked turkey.\nMichael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.\nMichael: Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello.\nDocumentary Crew Member: [boom microphone drops into the camera shoot] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work?\nDwight: That's fine.\nDocumentary Crew Member: [new take] No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it...\nDwight: I'm sorry it makes me nervous.\nDocumentary Crew Member: Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible.\nDwight: I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. [new take] This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. [does a martial arts move with his hands] I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: [talking over Dwight] It's...\nDwight: I'm doing my job.\nMichael: I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth."}
{"text": "Michael: Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?\nMr. Brown: Oh, I'm all set, thanks.\nMichael: Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.\nMichael: Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.\nJim: That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, '100% post-consumer content.' What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. [Shedder whirring] Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second.\nJim: Do you really have to do that right now?\nDwight: Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.\nJim: Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. [Power off, silence] Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... [Dialing tone] Hello? Thanks, Dwight.\nDwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.\nJim: That is not the expression.\nDwight: Well, it should be.\nJim: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?\nJim: Solitaire?\nPam: Yeah, Freecell.\nJim: Six on seven.\nPam: I know. I saw that.\nJim: So then, why didn't you do it?\nPam: I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.\nJim: Who doesn't love that?\nMichael: Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man?\nOscar: All right.\nMichael: Did you have a good weekend going there?\nOscar: It was fine.\nMichael: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. [to Mr. Brown] Oh, hey! This is Oscar-\nOscar: Martinez.\nMichael: Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!\nMr. Brown: Great. We're all set.\nMichael: Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?\nJim: Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please.\nMichael: It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.\nJim: You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.\nMr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great.\nMichael: Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!\nMr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.\nMichael: You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.\nMr. Brown: Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.\nMichael: Exactly, were not...\nMr. Brown: That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance.\nMichael: With tolerance.\nMr. Brown: No. With more ignorance.\nMichael: Ignorance.\nMr. Brown: Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.\nMichael: Let's celebrate.\nMr. Brown: Right. OK.\nMichael: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?\nMr. Brown: Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that...\nMichael: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.\nDwight: I have two. White and Indian.\nMr. Brown: Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?\nMichael: Yes.\nMr. Brown: Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.\nMichael: OK.\nMr. Brown: Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out.\nDwight: A few of the ground rules?\nMichael: Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.\nDwight: OK, can we steer away from gay people?\nMr. Brown: Um...\nDwight: I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.\nMr. Brown: Well, we only have an hour.\nDwight: I figured it would save time.\nMichael: OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...\nMr. Brown: Mr. Brown.\nMichael: Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.\nMr. Brown: Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK.\nMichael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?\nMr. Brown: So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome.\nMichael: I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.\nMr. Brown: Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment.\nMichael: OK, I will play guy listening.\nMr. Brown: Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember?\nKevin: I remember.\nMr. Brown: Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening.\nMichael: OK.\nMichael: Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.\nKevin: Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.\nMichael: OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... [As Chris Rock] Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... [Bleep] I take care of my kid!\nMr. Brown: Wait a second.\nMichael: [Bleep] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!\nMr. Brown: Stop it!\nMichael: [As Chris Rock] What you want a cookie?\nMr. Brown: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.\nDwight: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.\nMr. Brown: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?\nDwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.\nMr. Brown: OK.\nDwight: A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.\nMr. Brown: Ok, you're thinking of a superhero.\nDwight: We all have a hero in our heart.\nMr. Brown: Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.\nMichael: [Clears throat] I don't think I can sign this.\nMr. Brown: I can't leave until you do.\nMichael: Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?\nMr. Brown: Michael, can I talk to you candidly?\nMichael: Sure.\nMr. Brown: We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made.\nMichael: Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.\nMr. Brown: Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature.\nMichael: OK, well I know. You told me that several times.\nMr. Brown: Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need.\nMichael: OK.\nMr. Brown: Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed.\nMichael: Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.\nMr. Brown: Don't worry about dating.\nMichael: I won't.\nMr. Brown: OK. Thank you.\nMichael: Yeah, yeah.\nMichael: I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness...' Open-mindedness, is that even a word? '...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.' [Laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that.\nJim: Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.\nMichael: I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart.' I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, 'Mr. Brown,' he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.\nMichael: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.\nToby: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing]\nMichael: Get out.\nToby: I'm sorry.\nMichael: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.\nMichael: [on the tape] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.\nMichael: OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?\nJim: : Uh, is that it?\nMichael: Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.\nKevin: It was kind of hard to hear.\nMichael: Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...\nKelly: I have a customer meeting.\nMichael: Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.\nOscar: What part Native American?\nMichael: Two fifteenths.\nOscar: Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense.\nMichael: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.\nOscar: OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico.\nMichael: Oh, yeah...\nOscar: And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.\nMichael: Wow.\nOscar: My parents were Mexican.\nMichael: Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?\nOscar: Thank... Yeah...\nMichael: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?\nOscar: Mexican isn't offensive.\nMichael: Well, it has certain connotations.\nOscar: Like what?\nMichael: Like... I don't... I don't know.\nOscar: What connotations, Michael? You meant something.\nMichael: No. Now, remember that honesty...\nOscar: I'm just curious.\nMichael: ...empathy, respect... [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim!\nJim: Hello? Hello?\nMichael: I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.\nMichael: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...\nMichael: Oh this is a good one.\nPam: Um, hi. How are you?\nStanley: Fine. How are you?\nPam: Great.\nMichael: Push it.\nStanley: I admire your culture's success in America.\nPam: Thank you.\nMichael: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.\nStanley: Who am I supposed to be?\nMichael: No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.\nDwight: Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.\nDwight: Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.\nPam: That's nice, Dwight.\nDwight: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.\nPam: OK, I like your food.\nDwight: Outback steakhouse. [Australian accent] I'm Australian, mate!\nMichael: Pam, come on. 'I like your food.' Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.\nPam: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.\nDwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?\nMichael: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. 'Too soon for Arabs.' Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.\nJim: What are you watching?\nRyan: Chappelle's Show.\nJim: Really?\nRyan: I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space.\nJim: No way. I think she likes this stuff.\nRyan: Great. She's cute, huh?\nJim: Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...\nRyan: Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch.\nJim: Oh, yeah. She's hot.\nKevin: Hey.\nAngela: Hey.\nKevin: You wanna go to the beach?\nAngela: Sure.\nKevin: You wanna get high?\nAngela: No.\nKevin: I think you do, mon.\nAngela: Stop...\nMichael: OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.\nMichael: [Voice raised, Indian accent] Kelly, how are you?\nKelly: I just had the longest meeting.\nMichael: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [slap!]\nMichael: [trying not to cry] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.\nJim: [on the phone] Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.\nMichael: I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.\nKevin: [Itialian accent]Maybe some spagh-etti.\nMichael: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.\nStanley: It's collard greens.\nMichael: What?\nStanley: It's collard greens.\nMichael: That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.\nJim: [Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder] Um... Hey.\nPam: [stirs] Mmmm.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Oh.\nJim: We can go.\nPam: Sorry.\nJim: That's fine.\nJim: Uh... Not a bad day.\nMr. Brown: Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour.\nMichael: Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour.\nMr. Brown: Does this company have 100 years to erase?\nMichael: No, the country.\nMr. Brown: Oh right, more like 200 years.\nMichael: Yeah, more like a 1,000.\nMr. Brown: Okay, um. Uh, I'll try to make this quick.\nDwight: I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec.\nMr. Brown: HERO, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.\nMichael: I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind...\nMr. Brown: Oh, nice.\nMichael: Expectations...\nMr. Brown: Good.\nMichael: Thank you. Sharing...\nMr. Brown: Great.\nMichael: And tolerance.\nMr. Brown: Beautiful.\nPam: Um, that spells incest.\nMr. Brown: Oh, my sorry. That is not appropriate.\nMichael: Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word.\nMr. Brown: Yeah, but it's not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid.\nMichael: I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally...\nMr. Brown: Okay, Michael, I just...\nMichael: No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally.\nPam: It would've been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn't have made any sense either.\nMr. Brown: Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael?\nRyan: I have something.\nMr. Brown: Yes, please.\nRyan: Um, well I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about...\nMichael: Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that.\nMr. Brown: No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful.\nMichael: Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside?\nRyan: What do you want me to do?\nMichael: Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important.\nMr. Brown: I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time.\nPam: Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um...\nMichael: In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.' [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! [laughing] I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. [making voice] No doubt about it.\nDwight: What you doing?\nJim: Freecell.\nDwight: Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players.\nJim: Well, I mean.\nDwight: What's your win rate?\nPam: Seventy-six percent. What's yours?\nDwight: You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over.\nPam: You're doing fine.\nMichael: Are we going? [Dwight puts four fingers in front of the camera to start a countdown] Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready.\nDwight: Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action.\nMichael: [mumbling] Should I... turn, no. Do it again.\nDwight: Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action.\nMichael: Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one.\nDwight: Take six.\nMichael: Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one.\nDwight: Action.\nMichael: Don't. Please don't say anything. [sighs] Oh, God.\nDwight: And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready.\nMichael: Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.\nDwight: Cut.\nMichael: [wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out.\nMichael: Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool.\nMichael: Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going. [camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile]\nJim: Um, what's going on here?\nPam: People treat us like the race on our forehead. And then we guess what race we are.\nJim: Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good. [goes to the index cards and writes another race down]\nDwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?\nJim: Yes, yes.\nDwight: God!\nJim: How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here...\nDwight: It's not fair.\nJim: Try this. [takes Dwight's 'Asian' race and switches it with the one he wrote]\nDwight: Thank you. Thank you very much.\nJim: Go get 'em.\nDwight: Good. [clears throat] So, am I a hunter gather culture?\nPam: No.\nDwight: Do I live near a harbor or an ocean?\nPam: No.\nDwight: No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous?\nPam: No.\nDwight: Am I nomadic?\nPam: No.\nDwight: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever?\nPam: No.\nDwight: No. But I am, I am human, right? [Pam hesitates]\nDwight: [Dwight's new race is 'Dwight'] I could be French.\nDwight: [takes his 'Dwight' race off his forehead] Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim!\nMichael: Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here?\nPam: It didn't have anything to do with race.\nMichael: Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it.\nPam: One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time.\nMichael: Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?\nJim: Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King?\nMichael: What, huh?\nPam: What card was she?\nJim: I think she wasn't wearing a card.\nMichael: It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up."}
{"text": "Michael: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.\nPam: I'm not making any copies.\nMichael: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.\nPam: Nothing new.\nMichael: Lay them on me. What?\nPam: There's nothing new.\nMichael: That's not what you said earlier.\nPam: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... [nods toward camera]\nMichael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.\nJan: So, which health plan have you decided on?\nMichael: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.\nJan: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?\nMichael: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.\nJan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.\nMichael: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: You gotta crack these things open.\nJan: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.\nMichael: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.\nJan: It's your job. So...\nMichael: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.\nJan: Michael... maybe... I mean...\nMichael: There, there...\nJan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.\nMichael: [scoffs] When have you ever done that?\nJan: I'm doing it right now. To you.\nJim: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?\nPam: No. I have a life.\nJim: Interesting, what's that like?\nPam: You should try it sometime.\nJim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...\nPam: [laughs]... your problem.\nMichael: Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.\nMichael: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.\nJim: Gosh.\nMichael: Yeah!\nJim: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.\nMichael: Really?\nJim: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?\nJim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.\nDwight: Yes. I can do it. I'm your man.\nJim: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.\nDwight: OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?\nMichael: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.\nDwight: OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.\nMichael: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.\nDwight: [to self] Yes, I have an office. [to camera] Bigger than his.\nMichael: Nope, you cannot use it.\nDwight: OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.\nMichael: Temporary workspace. You can use it.\nDwight: Thank you.\nMichael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.\nDwight: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.\nDwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.\nStanley: There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.\nMichael: [on phone] Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?\nPam: Where are you?\nMichael: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?\nPam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...\nMichael: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.\nPam: No you're not.\nMichael: I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?\nPam: OK.\nMichael: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.\nPam: Still no one calling.\nPam: Dwight, what...\nDwight: Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.\nJim: It says 'workspace'.\nDwight: Same thing.\nJim: If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?\nDwight: Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.\nJim: You are not my superior.\nDwight: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?\nJim: I thought it was a workspace?\nPam: OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?\nDwight: Yes. And my decision in final.\nPam: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.\nDwight: Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.\nJim: You cut more than you had to, didn't you?\nDwight: Sure.\nJim: Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?\nDwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.\nJim: OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.\nDwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.\nPam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?\nDwight: So I can lower it.\nOscar: He literally won't come out of his office.\nKevin: He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.\nAngela: Kevin! That's inappropriate.\nOscar: Michael, can I talk to you?\nMichael: Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?\nMeredith: Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?\nMichael: Ah, what? Which memo?\nPam: Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.\nMichael: Is it a good plan?\nDwight: It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.\nOscar: It's like a pay decrease.\nPam: Michael, he made huge cuts.\nMichael: Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?\nDwight: Yeah, you said...\nMichael: No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?\nDwight: I can handle that.\nMichael: OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?\nOscar: This is not good.\nAngela: It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?\nOscar: What was that?\nAngela: You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.\nKevin: What are you guys talking about?\nAngela: Nothing, Kevin.\nMichael: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, 'Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I...\nDwight: OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.\nJim: OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.\nDwight: OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.\nJim: Workspace.\nMichael: You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.\nPam: Where are you going?\nMichael: Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. [Giggles] Couldn't find the knob.\nMichael: So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.\nTravel Agent: I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?\nMichael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...\nJim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.\nPam: I'm inventing new diseases.\nJim: Oh, great.\nPam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?\nJim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.\nPam: Nice.\nJim: Thank you.\nMichael: [on his cell phone] Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.\nMan on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.\nMichael: Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.\nMan on Phone: It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.\nMichael: So it's not a free fall?\nMan on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.\nMichael: Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?\nMichael: OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?\nDwight: Damnit! Damnit Jim!\nDwight: All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.\nJim: What are you talking about?\nDwight: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.\nJim: OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?\nDwight: Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.\nDwight: You did this, didn't you?\nJim: Absolutely not.\nDwight: Yes you did.\nJim: No I didn't.\nDwight: I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!\nJim: Killer nanorobots?\nPam: It's an epidemic.\nDwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. [reads off of paper] 'Count Choculitis'\nJim: Sounds tough.\nDwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?\nJim: Do you?\nDwight: I think you need to confess...\nJim: Mmm hmm.\nDwight: ...the fact...\nJim: Yep.\nDwight: What are you doing? Those are my keys.\nJim: Good luck. [closes door and locks it]\nDwight: Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... [Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley]\nStanley: [looks at keys, continues talking on phone] ...the light green or green...\nJim: [answering phone] Jim Halpert.\nDwight: Let me out.\nJim: Who is this?\nDwight: Let me out or you're fired.\nJim: No, you can't fire me.\nDwight: Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.\nJim: OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. [presses button on phone]] Jim Halpert.\nPam: [on phone] Hey, Jim. It's Pam.\nJim: Hey Pam! How are you?\nDwight: Jim! Open the door!\nPam: Good, how are you? Busy?\nJim: I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?\nDwight: Jim!\nPam: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?\nJim: No, not at all.\nPam: You don't have anything you're doing?\nJim: I have nothing to do.\nDwight: Jim!\nPam: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything.\nDwight: Jim!\nJim: Oh yeah?\nPam: I might go to the mall.\nJim: The mall?\nDwight: Jim!\nPam: I need new shoes.\nJim: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?\nJan: Hello?\nDwight: Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.\nJan: This is Jan.\nDwight: Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.\nJan: Who is this?\nDwight: Dwight Schrute.\nJan: From sales?\nDwight: Well...\nJan: Where's Michael Scott?\nDwight: He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.\nJan: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?\nDwight: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.\nJan: Really?\nDwight: Yeah.\nJan: OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.\nDwight: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?\nJan: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.\nDwight: Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... [dial tone]\nMichael: Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! [laughs] Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.\nRyan: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...\nMichael: Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly.\nStanley: Oh, thanks.\nMichael: There you go.\nStanley: This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.\nMichael: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it.\nDwight: Michael. Michael?\nMichael: [under his breath] Oh, Christ.\nDwight: I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.\nDwight: I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.\nStanley: What about confidentiality?\nDwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.\nMeredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.\nDwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?\nMeredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.\nDwight: OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?\nKevin: That's a real thing.\nDwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.\nKevin: Someone has it.\nKevin: Do you think we should go ?\nOscar: I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... [spots Michael through the blinds] There he is.\nKevin: What is he doing?\nOscar: I don't know.\nOscar: Well?\nMichael: Well, what? You could be referring to anything.\nOscar: OK, the health care plan.\nPam: Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.\nMichael: Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?\nDwight: I most certainly did not.\nMichael: Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? [looks at watch] Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday.\nAngela: What about the surprise?\nMichael: Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?\nStanley: We all think you don't have a surprise.\nMichael: All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr!\nMichael: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.\nMichael: [clapping hands] God, yeah... Ah! This...\nMichael: Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] 'Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.' Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.\nDwight: Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.\nDwight: [heated discussion in the 'Dwight Schrute Workspace', door opens] I did not dismiss you.\nOscar: Well, you have no right to ask those questions.\nDwight: You came into my office voluntarily.\nOscar: Because I don't want my benefits slashed.\nDwight: Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions.\nOscar: I'm reporting you.\nDwight: You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences.\nOscar: Michael I need to talk to you.\nMichael: Sorry, too busy can't even come to the door.\nOscar: [opens door] Michael.\nMichael: Yeah, no... [hurries to get up from chair]\nOscar: Michael, Michael I... [blinds rustle] ... inside.\nMichael: You know what. I, um, I'm out the door. I'm going to a meeting. Pam, I'm headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go.\nPam: We stole Dwight's trashcan and she found some of his early attempts at his sign.\nJim: Okay, here's uh, this is very simple. 'Dwight's Workspace,' nice.\nPam: Mmm hmm.\nJim: Um, this one interesting the power comes from the font in this one. 'Schrute Space,' very medieval, very England. Um, this one's forceful, this one's very Dwight. 'Quiet! Dwight Schrute Working,' it's good.\nPam: Mmm hmm.\nJim: I really heard him on that. This one's interesting I'm not really sure what he meant by this. Um, 'Dwight Schrute Privates.' Tough to say.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Okay, you know what, Dwight. What if you got a really serious disease like Ebola.\nDwight: Psssh, no.\nJim: Well, it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak?\nDwight: Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me.\nJim: Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Sixth Sense? Maybe you are already dead.\nDwight: Unlikely.\nPam: You promise these are confidential?\nDwight: 100%.\nPam: Did you just mark on that?\nDwight: I don't think so, no.\nPam: You made a 'P.'\nDwight: Wrong. [walks away] Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. [whispering] Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished?\nOscar: Oh, yeah. Here's the rest of them.\nDwight: That was... unauthorized.\nMichael: Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist attraction, actually it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the state. So...\nMan on Phone: Hello.\nMichael: [on his cell phone] Hey, hey Craigers, my man! It is Michael Scott here. [silence] Dunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper.\nMan on Phone: Oh, I think we already did our order this month.\nMichael: No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here's the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride.\nMan on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.\nMichael: Well, it says here that it's a 300ft drop.\nMan on Phone: Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.\nMichael: So it's not a free fall?\nMan on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.\nMichael: Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh... Do you have laser tag down there or something?\nMan on Phone: No, you just look around. It's a historically preserved coal mine.\nMichael: That's it?\nMan on Phone: Well, there's the adjacent Anthracite Heritage Museum. They got some really interesting old mining tools. There's also a photo mural exhibit. Uh, bat guano sculpture. [Michael hangs up cell phone]\nMichael: Uh, he's a small client. They don't really buy much.\nDwight: Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it?\nPam: In case I get sick.\nDwight: Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh?\nPam: Because we're not married.\nDwight: But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously.\nPam: We haven't set a date. [Dwight laughs]\nDwight: You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam.\nPam: Shut up, Dwight.\nDwight: You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't...\nPam: I'm not talking to you anymore.\nJim: Dwight, I uh, I have something to confess.\nDwight: You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession?\nJim: Um...\nDwight: Let it out.\nJim: You're a jackass.\nDwight: Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you?\nJim: No. Was that the hard way?\nDwight: I know you did.\nJim: Well, then why are you wasting everybody else's time interrogating them?\nDwight: Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.\nJim: Right.\nDwight: You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: I, Jim Halpert...\nJim: Wait, slow down.\nDwight: ...confess to health care fraud.\nJim: One second 'cause that sounds really good. Is jackass one word or two? [Dwight sighs] One, right? 'Cause, 'cause of the show, it's one.\nDwight: One word.\nMichael: I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] 'Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.' Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. [as Robin Williams] 'That's Good morning, Vietnam!' Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step [snaps his fingers] And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, 'Oh you're... God your butt is fat.' And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No.\nDwight: Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.\nMichael: We're all going bowling!"}
{"text": "Dwight: Michael!?\nMichael: Oh! God. Dwight, come on...\nDwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?\nMichael: There's no downsizing.\nDwight: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?\nMichael: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.\nDwight: Yeah, so I don't have to worry?\nMichael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?\nMichael: But there's no downsizing, so just don't...\nDwight: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?\nMichael: Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.\nMichael: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, 'You're fired.' [as Donald Trump] 'You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed.' It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. [as Donald Trump] 'You're foir-ed.' I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, 'You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want.' But that's unrealistic, so...\nDwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.\nStanley: Why'd you do this?\nDwight: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?\nMichael: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?\nMichael: Who is it? Who's the birthday?\nPam: Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.\nMichael: Next person on the...\nPam: Oh.\nMichael: ...calendar.\nPam: Okay, umm... that would be Meredith.\nMichael: Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!\nPam: But it's not until next month.\nMichael: Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.\nPam: You still want to have a party?\nMichael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!\nMichael: [grabs cell phone off desk] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.\nPhyllis: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it.\nAngela: What?\nPhyllis: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.\nAngela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.\nPhyllis: Yeah?\nAngela: What color do you guys think?\nPhyllis: Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red...\nPam: How about green?\nAngela: I think green is kind of whoreish.\nPam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.\nMichael: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!\nMichael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.\nAngela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...\nMichael: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...\nPam: It is... her birthday.\nMichael: Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?\nDwight: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.\nDwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?\nJim: Absolutely, I do.\nDwight: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...\nJim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.\nDwight: Did you get your tickets?\nJim: To what?\nDwight: The gun show. [Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep]\nJim: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says 'No, Jim, here's a way.'\nDwight: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.\nPam: An alliance?\nJim: Oh yeah.\nPam: What does that even mean?\nJim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.\nJim: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.\nDwight: Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?\nDwight: Did you tell Pam about the alliance?\nJim: What? No.\nDwight: Just now.\nJim: What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.\nDwight: Right, that's good, good, pursue this.\nJim: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?\nDwight: Mmm hmm.\nJim: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.\nDwight: Done.\nJim: All right.\nMichael: [to the camera] Can you get her? She's right there. [camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk] That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. [laughs] Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, 'Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.' Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, 'Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael.' [pretends to vomit and laughs]\nDwight: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?\nJim: Yeah, what do you think that's about?\nDwight: Only one way to find out.\nJim: I'm on it.\nJim: You are not going to believe this.\nDwight: What? I believe it.\nJim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.\nDwight: I could tell, from the body language.\nJim: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?\nKevin: Italian.\nJim: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...\nKevin: Yeah.\nJim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.\nDwight: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.\nJim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...\nDwight: Oh, they're forming an alliance\nToby: I love their sandwiches.\nJim: I love their sandwiches too.\nKevin: Their bread's really good.\nJim: Their bread is very good.\nDwight: Damn it. God!\nJim: OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.\nDwight: God... Damn it! Why us?\nJim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.\nMichael: [staring at birthday card] Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.\nMichael: Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?\nOscar: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.\nMichael: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?\nOscar: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if...\nMichael: What?\nOscar: Donate to the charity?\nMichael: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.\nOscar: Thank you.\nMichael: No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.\nOscar: That's... that's... that's very generous.\nMichael: Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...\nPam: [whispering] Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?\nJim: Sure, what's up?\nPam: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?\nJim: Oh no?\nPam: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, 'These people are my friends.' But he's all like, 'This is confidential. You can't tell anybody.' But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.\nJim: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.\nPam: OK, yeah.\nDwight: Jackpot.\nJim: That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.\nMichael: [looking at birthday card] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.\nDwight: Hey, you wanted to see me?\nMichael: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?\nDwight: I don't think she'd be missed.\nMichael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.\nDwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.\nMichael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.\nDwight: She had a hysterectomy.\nMichael: [laughs] Which one is that again?\nDwight: That's where they remove the uterus.\nMichael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?\nDwight: It could be kind of funny.\nMichael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.\nJim: OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.\nDwight: Oh my God, we have to be there.\nJim: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.\nDwight: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.\nJim: What? What?\nDwight: I know. I know exactly what to do.\nJim: [gives Dwight a high five] Great.\nDwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.\nDwight: This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.\nJim: Good.\nRyan: Michael? Are you done yet?\nMichael: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.\nJim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.\nDwight: So tape it down.\nJim: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.\nDwight: Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.\nJim: Thank you, thank you. OK.\nEverybody: Surprise!\nMeredith: Oh! Surprise.\nAngela: No, it's ah...\nMichael: It's surprise Meredith. One, two...\nEverybody: [tunelessly] Happy birthday to you.\nMichael: Find a key.\nEverybody: Happy birthday...\nJim: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?\nDwight: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.\nJim: Right... That's good.\nDwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.\nEverybody: [singing] ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you...\nMichael: And many more!\nStanley: Last year, five years ago...\nMichael: You were surprised, weren't you?\nMeredith: Yes.\nMichael: You looked freaked, man. We said 'Surprise.' You were, like, 'What?' 'What the hell's goin' on here?' Good cake. Why don't you have some?\nMeredith: Uh, I can't. Um...\nMichael: Come on. A little bit.\nMeredith: I can't eat dairy.\nMichael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.\nMeredith: Yeah, it makes me sick.\nMichael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.\nPam: He's in a box?\nJim: Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.\nPam: [on her cell phone] Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that...\nDwight: [box falls over] Oh.\nMichael: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.\nJim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?\nMichael: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.\nJim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.\nMichael: Is Oscar around?\nMichael: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...\nOscar: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.\nMichael: I know...\nOscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, 'However many dollars per mile.'\nMichael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...\nOscar: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.\nMichael: No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?\nOscar: Yeah.\nMichael: How many miles did he do last year?\nOscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.\nMichael: Son of a bitch. That is impressive.\nPam: Happy Birthday. [gives Meredith her card]\nMichael: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.\nMeredith: Happy Bird-day' Um... 'Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.'\nMichael: [under his breath] I don't know about that.\nMeredith: That was Stanley. 'Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam.'\nMichael: [pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer.\nMeredith: This is from Michael. 'Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.'\nMichael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.\nMeredith: No, I... I get it. It's funny.\nMichael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... 'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?\nMeredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.\nMichael: Divorce. Um... OK, 'Meredith is so old...'\nOscar: How old is she?\nMichael: Everybody? If... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...'\nEverybody: How old is she?\nMichael: She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.'\nMichael: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.\nOscar: Uh, nice party Michael.\nMichael: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.\nAngela: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.\nPhyllis: Oh, boy... You...\nMichael: OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.\nOscar: Per mile.\nMichael: Per mile, yes.\nMichael: When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.\nMichael: A check for the kids, and for the team.\nMichael: I want it to be like... 'Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?' 'Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous.' 'Well, guess what, [whispering] that was Michael Scott.' 'But it was anonymous, how do you know?' 'Because I'm him.'\nOscar: Thank you, Michael.\nMichael: Come here. [hugs Oscar and In a low voice] Don't cash that till Friday, OK?\nToby: Really? Today?\nRyan: Yeah.\nToby: Oh, Happy Birthday.\nRyan: Thanks.\nToby: Yeah, I could say something.\nRyan: No, don't. Don't do that.\nJim: OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.\nPam: Oh, tell me, tell me.\nJim: OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... [Pam starts laughing]... spy on our other branch. No no no.\nJim: But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.\nPam: [laughing] That's perfect!\nJim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...\nRoy: [yelling] What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?\nJim: No, no, dude, no.\nPam: Hey, Hey!\nJim: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.\nPam: Come on.\nJim: God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...\nPam: It's just office pranks.\nJim: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.\nRoy: [looking at Dwight] An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?\nDwight: I have absolutely no idea.\nRoy: Come on.\nDwight: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.\nDwight: [With blonde hair] That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.\nDwight: Good, excellent, and file sharing off and done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls. Get up, I'll install it on your computer.\nJim: No thanks.\nDwight: Pssh, stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I can become you like that. [snaps fingers] But no one can become me.\nJim: No one wants to be you, Dwight.\nDwight: Not true. And if they did, they couldn't because I'm password protected.\nJim: Is your password Frodo?\nDwight: No. [typing on keyboard]\nJim: Did you just change it to Gollum?\nDwight: No. [typing on keyboard]\nPam: [telephone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please.\nMichael: All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. 'Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?' [takes a drag from an imaginary cigarette] Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.\nPam: I wasn't really going for anything.\nMichael: No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, 'Oh, oh-hum.' A beautiful sunset, 'No, I'll catch the next one.' Right? Unicorn walks into the office, 'Oh, do you have an appointment?' [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.\nPam: Are you being serious?\nMichael: Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: Okay. [waits for call]\nPam: No one's calling.\nMichael: I know, somebody will. And we'll wait.\nPam: Sometimes there's a lot of time between the calls.\nMichael: I know, I know, we will wait.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we're waiting.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: Tell me if I'm smiling or not. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?\nPam: Yes.\nMichael: Okay, let me try this one. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you?\nPam: No.\nMichael: I mean you can tell.\nPam: Yeah, I could tell.\nMichael: I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too.\nPam: That was a good example.\nMichael: Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile.\nPam: Okay. [telephone rings]\nMichael: Show time! It's show time!\nPam: [smiling] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment I'll transfer you.\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: [throwing away a banana, mayonnaise, and a sandwich from the refrigerator, smells the mayonnaise] God. [drinks from the milk carton and puts it back] Mmm.\nJim: [looks in the refrigerator] Hey Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn't in the refrigerator. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?\nDwight: It was rotting.\nJim: It was not rotting.\nDwight: Any employee may dispose a food item...\nJim: Stop. Dwight, stop.\nDwight: ...that risks contaminating the other food item. Read the official kitchen regulations memo.\nJim: Dwight, you wrote that memo. Okay, it's not an official memo.\nDwight: Uh, uh, not my problem. Okay, this is a paper factory not a bacteria factory.\nJim: Dwight, it's not a factory at all. Do you have to do what you are doing? [Dwight is tapping each of the bobble heads on his desk and making them bobble]\nDwight: Uh, if they don't bobble, what's the point?\nAngela: What is this?\nOscar: My nephew does it every year. Anything you could give would be fantastic.\nAngela: Okay, but I don't want to be put on a mailing list.\nJim: We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.\nDwight: God... Damn it! Why us?\nJim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. God, it's freezing, I gotta go in. You stay though for like five minutes.\nDwight: [talking over Jim] Okay.\nJim: You don't want to arouse suspicion.\nDwight: I'll stay for ten.\nJim: Good. I like it. You know what. Pretend to smoke. [Dwight pretends to smoke]\nMichael: Do a poem for Meredith's birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, [knock on door] there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin.\nToby: Hi, do you mind if I sign the card real quick?\nMichael: No, not at all come on in. [Toby signing the birthday card] No, no. You can't. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so...\nToby: It's just a birthday card.\nMichael: I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you're ruining it. Toby, come on. Just, look at that. That's wrecked. Ass. Get some white out.\nToby: There's some right there.\nMichael: That's my white out. Get your own white out. Just... what's the matter with you? God. [Toby leaves] Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. [thinking out loud] Mifflin, spifflin.\nJim: Uh, by the way. Have you heard Dwight say the word immunity, yet? Because if I can get Dwight to say the word immunity, it might be the greatest day of my life.\nDwight: Hey.\nMichael: Hey.\nDwight: You wanted to see me?\nMichael: Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?\nDwight: I don't think she'd be missed.\nMichael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.\nDwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.\nMichael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.\nDwight: She had a hysterectomy.\nMichael: Which one is that again?\nDwight: That's where they remove the uterus.\nMichael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?\nDwight: It could be kind of funny.\nMichael: [sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?\nDwight: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: Help me out here.\nDwight: Okay. Hey Meredith, where's your uterus?\nMichael: No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke.\nDwight: If I find a joke for you, will you grant me immunity? [cut to Jim holding his hands up like a champion]\nMichael: What?\nDwight: From the downsizing.\nMichael: There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm... I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. [Dwight leaves] Thanks for coming in, that's always... Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in.\nMichael: Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can't remember why I came over here. Ha, ha.\nMeredith: I hate that.\nMichael: I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. [makes fart noise] Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I've forgotten about? Just, you know we bumped into each and you said, 'Brr, brr.' And I went, 'Argh, Argh.' You know? Anything? [shakes her head 'no'] Well, if you think of something, let me know. 'Cause I like to know. 'Cause I'm going crazy.\nMichael: Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy. Okay.\nOscar: I never suggested...\nMichael: No, no. I know you didn't intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don't it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions.\nOscar: Michael, if I gave you...\nMichael: No, hey it's just kinda uncool, okay? I, just... Play fair, you know, play fair.\nOscar: Thank you.\nMichael: Thank you.\nOscar: Okay.\nMeredith: Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.'\nMichael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.\nMeredith: No, I...I get it. It's funny.\nMichael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, Okay, here's a good one. Um...'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?\nMeredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.\nMichael: Divorce. Um... Okay, 'Meredith is so old...'\nOscar: How old is she?\nMichael: If everybody... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...'\nEverybody: How old is she?\nMichael: She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.'\nMichael: [clears throat] What's the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary.\nMeredith: You're talking about my hysterectomy.\nMichael: Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. [laughs] We just picked the best one right? Just had it.\nPam: [whispering] I'm so sorry. [Angela, Phyllis, and Pam all whispering] ... seriously, we're just...\nMichael: Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don't comfort... don't comfort her, that's not... She doesn't need comforting. We're just joking around. I think she's... No that's very unprofessional. I think she's being very unprofessional over there.\nDwight: I'm only going to ask you this once. Are you part of an alliance?\nRyan: What?\nDwight: Well played."}
{"text": "Michael: [to Jim]: Hey, you ready?\nMichael: All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent.\nDwight: Michael!\nMichael: Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, 'This might be kinda fun.' And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.\nMichael: Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.\nDwight: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team.\nMichael: No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.\nDwight: Oh, please.\nMichael: [to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game...\nDwight: I apologized for that.\nMichael: [to Dwight] I vouched for you.\nDwight: Michael, I...\nMichael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.\nDwight: I can handle that.\nMichael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.\nDwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.\nMichael: Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.\nDwight: [to camera] Same thing.\nMichael: No, it's not. It's lower, so...\nDwight: It's close.\nDwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim.\nJim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?\nPhyllis: Keep me out of it.\nPam: My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding.\nMichael: All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.\nRyan: Fine, don't worry about that.\nMichael: And here we have 'Mister Roger's Neighborhood.' Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.\nLonny: What's up?\nMichael: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.\nDarryl: It's not my real name.\nMichael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.\nRyan: Darryl Rogers?\nDarryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.\nMichael: [laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.\nRyan: Yeah, yeah.\nMichael: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!\nPam: [on the phone] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years.\nJim: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago.\nMichael: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.\nDarryl: We're loading at one.\nMichael: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.\nDarryl: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.\nMichael: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken]\nDarryl: All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock.\nMichael: All right, see you at one.\nMichael: Are we ready for the game?\nEverybody: [half-heartedly] Yeah.\nMichael: I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.\nDwight: Gimli.\nMichael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.\nDwight: Just trying to be helpful.\nMichael: Uh, [in a nerdy voice] 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword.'\nJim: That's him.\nMichael: OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.\nStanley: I'm sorry?\nMichael: Um, what do you play? Center?\nStanley: Why 'of course'?\nMichael: Uh...\nStanley: What's that supposed to mean?\nMichael: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.\nJim: Uh, I heard it.\nMichael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time.\nPhyllis: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.\nMichael: [ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.\nRyan: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?\nMichael: Yes.\nRyan: OK.\nMichael: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?\nOscar: I can help out, if you need me.\nMichael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.\nKevin: I have a hoop in my driveway.\nMichael: No.\nPhyllis: I have a sports bra.\nMichael: No, no, ridiculous.\nDwight: Michael, look. [Dwight throws paper at the garbage can]\nMichael: Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.\nDwight: Yes!\nMichael: Sorry Phyllis.\nDwight: Can I be team captain?\nMichael: No, I'm team captain.\nDwight: Can I be team manager?\nMichael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.\nDwight: Assistant team manager?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then.\nMichael: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.\nJim: Oh my God.\nMichael: Threat neutralized.\nMichael: [hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard!\nPam: Please don't throw garbage at me.\nMichael: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?\nPam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance.\nJim: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and...\nMichael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.\nPam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.\nMichael: Oh, yeah right.\nPhyllis: I'll do it.\nMichael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good.\nMichael: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?\nDarryl: Just getting a tea bag.\nMichael: Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!\nDarryl: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.\nMichael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.\nDarryl: No, that's not as much fun. You know what?\nMichael: What?\nDarryl: You're on.\nMichael: OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up.\nMichael: [to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.\nAngela: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? [Dwight holds the kit up] How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you.\nJim: Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here.\nJim: You coming down?\nPam: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.\nJim: You gonna wish me luck?\nPam: Yeah, you're gonna need it.\nJim: Whoa.\nJim: Is that trash talk from Pam?\nPam: [laughing] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive.\nJim: Oh.\nPam: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...\nJim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.\nPam: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.\nJim: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.\nMichael: Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it.\nJim: Have a good game man.\nRoy: Yeah, you too. Should be fun.\nMichael: All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?\nRyan: I stretched before I came.\nMichael: OK.\nMichael: OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.\nJim: Really? I thought I'd take Roy.\nMichael: Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys.\nDwight: [taking off his shirt] OK, we'll be skins!\nMichael: Aw, come on Dwight.\nDwight: What? Shirts on or off?\nMichael: On. Just put it on.\nDwight: You sure?\nMichael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK?\nRoy: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.\nMichael: Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him!\nTeammates: Yeah!\nRoy: That's what I'm talking about.\nMichael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!\nDwight: De-fense! [clap, clap] [Michael joins in] De-fense! [clap clap]\nMichael and Dwight: De-fense! De-fense!\nWarehouse worker: [Roy scores] Well done team.\nMichael: Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket]\nPam: Woo!\nMichael: [misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go.\nMichael: [Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul.\nRoy: OK.\nMichael: OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK.\nMichael: When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone.\nMichael: [misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?!\nMichael: Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually.\nMichael: Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa!\nJim: My bad.\nDarryl: [scores] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.\nLonny: [dancing] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there.\nMichael: That is cool. Is that like the Robot?\nMichael: [Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump]\nRyan: Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine.\nDarryl: You have one more free throw shoot. Come on.\nRoy: All right, let's go.\nWarehouse worker: Watch your back Madge.\nMadge: Hey! Come on man!\nMichael: Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!\nDwight: [scores] Yeah! [points to Madge] In your face!\nMadge: Yeah, like that counts.\nMichael: You know what? Dwight, Dwight...\nMichael: Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...\nMichael: [singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter...\nRoy: [steals the ball, scores, mimics singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.\nMichael: All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!\nMichael: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.\nJim: You know what? Let me take Roy.\nMichael: All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.\nMichael: Shoot, shoot it. [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up.\nDarryl: Block, block, block!\nMadge: He's afraid of you now.\nMichael: [Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?\nMichael: [Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes!\nRoy: What the hell man?\nJim: Take it easy.\nRoy: No, you take it easy.\nMichael: [Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys!\nRyan: [Dwight steals the ball from Ryan] Same team, Dwight.\nMichael: Dwight!\nDwight: [scores] Yes!\nMichael: [Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score?\nAngela: You're ahead.\nMichael: Yeah, baby, here we go!\nMichael: [Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it!\nWorker: I'm sorry.\nMichael: Foul! Foul!\nWorker: I'm sorry. You all right?\nMichael: Oh, that hurts.\nWorker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.\nMichael: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?\nDarryl: Take your shot man!\nMichael: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.\nWorker: No it wasn't.\nMichael: [mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.\nWorker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up...\nMichael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.\nAngela: This is a cold pack...\nDwight: Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [bag explodes]\nMichael: Thanks Dwight.\nLonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?\nMichael: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.\nDarryl: That was you.\nMichael: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.\nRoy: No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday.\nDarryl: Yeah, this isn't happening.\nMichael: Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...\nLonny: So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?\nMichael: Hey, hey...\nLonny: Monday?\nMichael: [laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word.\nJim: [to Pam] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good.\nPam: Mmm-hmm.\nJim: I didn't sign anything.\nRoy: Hey baby.\nPam: Hey.\nRoy: [to Jim] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.\nPam: Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? [to Roy] Let's get you into a tub.\nRoy: Yeah? Let's get you into a tub.\nMichael: Hey, what a game, huh? What a game.\nOscar: What time do we have to come in?\nMichael: Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend.\nMichael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.\nMichael: [slams palms on desk] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.\nPam: New pants?\nMichael: Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing.\nPam: Abercrombie & Fitch?\nMichael: Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target.\nDwight: Michael, could I talk to you for a second, please?\nMichael: Uh...\nDwight: In your office? [in Michael's office] You know that is why you have an assistant regional manager.\nMichael: Yes, yes. Assistant to the regional manager.\nDwight: [to camera] Same thing.\nMichael: No, it's not. It's lower.\nDwight: It's close.\nMichael: What was that?\nDwight: What?\nMichael: That look?\nDwight: What look?\nMichael: Like trying to find the camera, to give the camera a look. Okay, we're done. Is that your stomach? I keep hearing somebody's stomach. [whispers] God.\nMichael: So, you uh, see the Sixers game last night?\nDarryl: Yeah.\nMichael: [howls like a wolf] Oww whoo whoo! The Answer was on fire!\nDarryl: Iverson. Yeah, always man. It's very important.\nMichael: Oh, man! Man I tell ya. Iverson has maybe got me beat by like 20 pounds, 3 inches. [makes 'pop' noise with his mouth]\nRoy: What? Iverson's not fat.\nMichael: No, neither am I. We both look good.\nMichael: Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it's taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, [makes shooting motion] three points. The Question, whew, whew, [makes shooting motion] six points. Nothing but net. Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister.\nKevin: I can't work Saturday.\nDwight: Please, have a seat. [Kevin sits down] Okay, why not?\nKevin: I'm in a band.\nDwight: Marching or garage?\nKevin: It's a Steve Miller Tribute Band.\nDwight: I tell you what. You give me a tape of your band and a tape of the Steve Miller Band and I'll get back to you. That is all.\nTodd Packer: [on the phone] Mello.\nMichael: Packer. Pac-man.\nPacker: Whoa. Hey.\nMichael: Pac-man [imitating the noises of the video game Pac-man eating dots]\nTodd Packer: [on the phone] Is this Michael Scott? My secret lover. My intercom, I told you never to call me here. Never! [Michael's laughing]\nMichael: I'm not your lover! I'm am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist.\nTodd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein!\nMichael: Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs]\nTodd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein!\nMichael: It's not a Jewish joke, so don't worry.\nTodd Packer: [on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein!\nMichael: [clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One 'o clock. Big game, big game.\nTodd Packer: [sounds sick on the phone] I can't make it.\nMichael: Mmm. No, you said you could man. We're counting on ya. You know you're playing point guard.\nTodd Packer: [on the phone] I... I'm not coming.\nMichael: No. Hey... I mean, although it's just for fun, you know we want... I was counting on you man.\nTodd Packer: [on the phone] Oh, God! Stop whining. You know, you only come to the pick up game once a year. You little bitch. [Michael picks up phone, takes it off speakerphone] All right, yup. Hey, okay. No problem, you know, best you can do. Hey, you know. Hey, nice talking to you too. All right take care. [sighs] Michael Scoot. That's funny. He's a good friend.\nDwight: [eating Tootsie Rolls from Angela's candy on her desk] Mmm. Good. Mmm.\nAngela: They're one per person. [points to sign 'Please take one!!]\nDwight: Would you like to have a vacation this year? That's what I thought. [continues eating Tootsie Rolls] Mmm, delicious.\nPam: Well, I though we were saving money for the wedding, but apparently Roy thought it was more important to buy two WaveRunners. I don't really ever get to use the other WaveRunner that's supposed to be mine because his brother uses it and they race.\nDwight: Jim, you're the new schedule guy, huh?\nJim: I'm trying, yup.\nDwight: Yeah, I hear that. You know what? This little baby might come in handy.\nJim: Great, thanks.\nDwight: On one condition. You...\nJim: Forget it. It's just a dry erase board.\nDwight: Oh, no it's not. Okay, check it out.\nJim: Okay, that's insanely complicated and the first thing I'm going to do is erase it.\nDwight: No, you're not because I spent hours on it.\nJim: Well, then keep it.\nDwight: Okay, I will. Okay, fine. You'll be back.\nMichael: [misses a free throw badly] I... I think you can play. Like you could when you were a kid. I think you can never give up the play. Because if people stop playing, then they stop living. It's like a shark. If a shark stops playing he stops living. And sharks are very playful creatures.\nAngela: [Dwight holds the first aid kit up] I'm the safety officer, not you.\nDwight: Isn't that crazy? I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Lackawanna County says that it's okay for me to perform CPR, but for Michael my lips aren't qualified enough for his perfect little face. It's nuts.\nAngela: Is that really necessary?\nDwight: [wearing a face guard] I've almost had my nose broken a dozen times.\nMichael: You know what. I think most basketball movies are great movies. Because it's a great subject. There's one about a little kid who, um, joins a professional basketball team and he's really, really good and he can dunk and he's like 3 feet tall. And he can dunk the ball. That, oh, I love that movie. That movie kind of, that movie makes me cry. I don't like to cry on camera, but that movie makes me cry. Um, because it touches a cord in me about hoops. [Michael's free throw is really short] Short, short, short! And basketball is like jazz, you know. To like pertipify it there's a jazz musician, a guy, you know... if you know jazz you know who I mean. He's uh, God what was his name? Um, he plays one of those curly horns, like those really shiny curly horns that's used in jazz a lot.\nWarehouse Worker: [back to the basketball game] Let's go Lonny.\nJim: [Michael steals the ball] Yeah, Michael. Go Michael. [makes shot]\nDwight: Yes!\nMichael: Birdie. He's not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is... if you knew jazz, you'd know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is.\nMichael: [back to the basketball game] Dwight, pass it to Jim! Pass it to Ryan!\nStanley: Oh, my ankle!\nMichael: Stanley, gotta play hurt.\nStanley: Oh, actually no I don't Michael.\nMichael: I just want you know, you've been a big disappointment to me today, okay.\nStanley: [in pain] Oh. Go away.\nMichael: I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We're playing zone!\nEverybody: [Michael hits a half court shot] Ah! [clapping]\nMichael: Yes! Yes! All right. We got game!"}
{"text": "Jan: Are you listening to me Michael?\nMichael: Affirmative.\nJan: What did I just say?\nMichael: You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said...\nJan: Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales.\nMichael: Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates!\nJan: I'm not going to do that Michael.\nMichael: Okay\nJan: We've created an incentive program to increase sales.\nMichael: Uh, huh.\nJan: At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars.\nMichael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize?\nJan: Uh, yes. Yes you can.\nMichael: Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to...\nJan: No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize.\nMichael: I didn't mean me!\nMichael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.\nDwight: Sex.\nMichael: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing.\nDwight: Torture.\nMichael: Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid.\nPam: Uh, Michael?\nMichael: Pam!\nPam: Hey, there's a...\nMichael: Burger with cheese!\nPam: There's a person here...\nMichael: And fries!\nPam: There's...\nMichael: And shake! What? Go ahead.\nPam: There's a person here who wants to sell handbags.\nMichael: No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction.\nPam: Okay, I told her you'd talk to her.\nMichael: Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: [exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her.\nKaty: This one is hand embroidered.\nMichael: All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.\nDwight: Cocks in the henhouse.\nMichael: Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass?\nKaty: Katy.\nMichael: Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0.\nMichael: Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace.\nDwight: So am I.\nMichael: Nobody cares what you think.\nDwight: Doesn't matter.\nMichael: So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day.\nKaty: Wow, thanks.\nPam: There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30.\nMichael: Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman.\nMichael: I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating.\nMichael: This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. [knocks on wall] used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be.\nMichael: So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here.\nKaty: I guess a cup of coffee would be great.\nMichael: Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks.\nKaty: What?\nMichael: It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here.\nKaty: Regular coffee is fine.\nMichael: Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb\nKaty: No really it is.\nMichael: No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?\nKaty: Bring it on.\nMichael: Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right.\nKevin: So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?\nPam: No.\nKevin: She's prettier than you though.\nPam: That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.\nKevin: [nods]\nKaty: So do you like the periwinkle and the purples?\nDwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.\nMichael: [handing Katy a mug of coffee] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe.\nKaty: Thank you.\nMichael: I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right?\nKaty: Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um...\nMichael: Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please?\nRyan: I'm installing File Share on all the computers.\nMichael: Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right?\nMichael: You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy.\nOscar: I'm on the phone.\nMichael: Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that.\nKaty: That was on Sesame Street.\nMichael: I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here?\nKaty: No, I don't believe that.\nMichael: I know, it's unbelievable.\nPam: It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with.\nMichael: Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby.\nKaty: Hi\nToby: Hi, nice to meet you.\nMichael: Toby, Katy.\nToby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara?\nKaty: Yeah.\nToby: Yeah, me too.\nKaty: Cool. What year were you there?\nToby: Eighty-nine.\nMichael: Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right?\nToby: Yeah.\nMichael: You and your wife, and you have kids.\nToby: A girl.\nMichael: Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?\nToby: [looks resigned]\nKaty: I should probably get back to my table.\nMichael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work.\nMichael: I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike.\nRoy: Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh?\nJim: Cute, sure, yeah.\nRoy: Why don't you get on that?\nJim: She's not really my type.\nRoy: What are you gay?\nJim: Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope.\nKevin: What is your type?\nJim: [glances at Pam] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really.\nRoy: That's disgusting.\nKevin: Stay away from my mom.\nJim: Too late, Kev.\nRoy: [Katy walks through breakroom] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.\nPam: We're not dating, we're engaged.\nRoy: Engaged, yeah.\nJim: Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.\nJim: She'd be perfect for you.\nDwight: Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot.\nJim: So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager.\nDwight: Assistant to the Regional Manager.\nJim: Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss.\nDwight: That's true.\nJim: Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there.\nDwight: True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name.\nJim: It's all gold.\nKaty: Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions.\nJim: Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back.\nDwight: What's that?\nJim: You buy a purse.\nDwight: I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls.\nJim: Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?\nDwight: No.\nJim: Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them.\nDwight: Like those?\nJim: Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her.\nDwight: Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going...\nJim: No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go.\nJim: Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good.\nPam: [smiles]\nJim: [mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice] Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta?\nPam: [mimicing Katy] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that.\nJim: Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens.\nPam: Oh!\nJim: Oh! That was really. [Dwight hits purse against table] This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all.\nPam: Oh...\nJim: I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much?\nPam: Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad.\nJim: [whispering] Here he comes, shhh...\nJim: [gives Dwight a thumbs-up - mouths the word] Good.\nPam: [smiles in agreement]\nJim: He did pick a good one.\nPam: You're horrible.\nKaty: This one's really good for a hot date.\nPam: Yeah, what's that?\nKaty: [laughs]\nPam: I'm engaged. So...\nKaty: Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone.\nPam: I wished, right?\nMichael: Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? [to Katy] So how's that uh, coffee from earlier?\nKaty: Good.\nMichael: Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?\nKaty: [whispers] Sorry.\nMichael: Busted.\nKaty: [to Pam] Come back...\nMichael: Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones.\nKaty: Is that from Starbucks?\nMichael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.\nKaty: Wow. Is that for the office?\nMichael: Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!\nKaty: I wouldn't think of it.\nMichael: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!\nMichael: [Katy reading text message on her phone] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. [Katy looks annoyed] What? What's the matter?\nKaty: Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me.\nMichael: Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...?\nKaty: Oh no, it's um...\nMichael: Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.\nKaty: No...\nMichael: Seriously. No, really.\nKaty: No. I really don't want to inconvenience you.\nMichael: God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp.\nKaty: At five?\nMichael: I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves.\nKaty: Okay.\nMichael: What?\nKaty: Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay.\nMichael: Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home.\nKaty: Okay. Cool.\nMichael: Excellent.\nKaty: Cool.\nMichael: Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath - looks at camera] Yeah, okay.\nMichael: I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So..\nDwight: It's actually better this way.\nMichael: No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto-\nDwight: Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because...\nMichael: No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not.\nDwight: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much.\nMichael: But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.\nDwight: What?\nMichael: She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home.\nDwight: Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?\nMichael: Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot...\nDwight: Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?\nMichael: No. I cannot promise you that.\nDwight: You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me?\nMichael: Listen, Dwight.\nDwight: Do you love her?\nMichael: [laughs] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away]\nKaty: I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that.\nStanley: Hmmm...\nMichael: Espresso?\nKaty: Oh, thank you.\nMichael: You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm.\nStanley: Is that from the machine that was in your office?\nMichael: Ummm-hmmm...\nStanley: I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson.\nMichael: Very easy to clean.\nMichael: Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? [laughs]\nMichael: Did we get any mail?\nPam: Yeah, I gave it to you.\nMichael: Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and...\nPam: So, can I..? [points to the door]\nMichael: Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?\nJim: A futon?\nPam: [nods]\nJim: He's a grown man\nPam: That's what he said.\nJim: That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Jim sees Roy and trails off]\nRoy: What's up?\nPam: [not looking at Roy] Hi.\nRoy: Are you still mad at me?\nPam: Roy...\nRoy: Come on [begins to tickle Pam]\nPam: Cut it out.\nRoy: Come on, you mad at me?\nPam: Stop it. [laughing]\nRoy: Are you still mad at me now?\nPam: [giggling] Cut it out.\nRoy: Are you mad at me now?\nPam: Stop. [giggling]\nRoy: Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding.\nPam: [breathless] Stop, I can't breathe.\nRoy: I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't...\nPam: Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone.\nKaty: You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet?\nAngela: I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping.\nKaty: Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality.\nAngela: Yeah, uh no.\nDwight: Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private?\nKaty: I don't think so I'm really busy.\nDwight: It will just take a second.\nKaty: I can't.\nDwight: Just for a minute.\nKaty: I really can't.\nDwight: Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.\nKaty: No.\nDwight: Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date?\nKaty: Both.\nKaty: What colors do you like?\nAngela: Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal.\nMichael: Ryan.\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: Would you like to help me with a special project?\nRyan: I would love to.\nMichael: Alright.\nMichael: [in Michael's car] Okay, just throw out all the empties.\nRyan: You don't want to recycle them?\nMichael: Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin.\nRyan: Do you want this? [holding a full bottle of water]\nMichael: No.\nRyan: What about this bottle of power drink?\nMichael: Uh, what flavor?\nRyan: Blue.\nMichael: Blue's not a flavor.\nRyan: It says flavor: Blue Blast.\nMichael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you.\nJim: Hi.\nKaty: Hi.\nJim: I'm Jim, by the way.\nKaty: I'm Katy.\nJim: Hi Katy, nice to meet you.\nKaty: You sit out there, don't you?\nJim: I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses.\nKaty: Okay, um...\nJim: Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn.\nKaty: Okay. [laughs]\nJim: Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can...\nKaty: Okay.\nMichael: What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir.\nRyan: No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept.\nMichael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it.\nRyan: Well, it's empty.\nMichael: Not it's not, there's some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out.\nRyan: Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat?\nMichael: That's over several months, Ryan.\nRyan: [Under his breath] Still.\nJim: What's up?\nPam: I'm bored.\nJim: Thank you for choosing me.\nPam: No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend?\nJim: Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy.\nPam: Really?\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: What are you guys going to do?\nJim: Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos.\nPam: That's great.\nJim: And stuff... yeah.\nPam: That's cool.\nJim: What are you doing?\nPam: I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Cause Roy's got a truck.\nJim: That's cool.\nPam: Uh, huh. Yes.\nJim: That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right?\nPam: Great.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Okay, I'm gonna head back.\nJim: Alright.\nMichael: I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know.\nMichael: Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem.\nKaty: Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you.\nMichael: See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim.\nJim: Goodnight, Michael.\nMichael: Where you going?\nJim: I don't know. Grab a drink, I think?\nMichael: With us?\nKaty: I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook.\nMichael: Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool.\nJim: I got this. [taking Katy's bag from Michael]\nMichael: Alright, have fun.\nKaty: Thanks.\nJim: I got it.\nMichael: Don't drink and drive.\nMichael: Take it easy.\nJim: Have a good night.\nMichael: You too, have a good night.\nKaty: You got that?\nJim: Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter.\nKaty: Good. Here. Squeeze it inside.\nJim: Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay?\nKaty: Why?\nJim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay.\nKaty: It's a... it's a very nice car.\nJim: You're not going to freak out?\nMichael: Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.\nDwight: The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She has the most amazing story. She was orphaned at age 10 when both her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy, but very cruel, businessman. So she practiced aikido in secret for years until she could avenge the death of her parents. She's also a survivor of monster rape.\nDwight: This is really well made. Good stitching. Excellent fabric. [shakes the purse from side to side by it's handle] You sell a lot of these?\nKaty: It's very popular, yeah.\nDwight: I knew it. Is it waterproof?\nKaty: I'm not sure. It's faux snakeskin.\nDwight: Snakes are waterproof. So, I'm betting that it's waterproof. Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel?\nKaty: No.\nDwight: Cause I could look it up real easily.\nKaty: You're really into reptiles, huh?\nDwight: My belt's made out of alligator. Check it out. [lifts shirt]\nKaty: Oh, um, it's okay.\nMichael: Dwight. Dwight. Dwight! Okay, that's it. Keep it in your pants.\nDwight: I was just showing her my belt.\nMichael: Well, don't do that. Where are your glasses?\nDwight: I...\nMichael: He wears glasses. Did you know that?\nDwight: Not all the time.\nMichael: Well, now suddenly he can see. [laughs] Okay, take off. See ya. Bye-bye. [gives coffee to Katy] There you go steaming hot cup of joe.\nKaty: Thank you.\nMichael: Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs]\nKaty: Ha. Yeah, asks a lot of questions.\nMichael: Yeah, yeah he is the worst.\nMichael: What's the um, saying, 'once their laughing they're... that's... Once they're laughing that's 50 percent of them being horizontal. So, not that I'm just... Not that that's my... that's what I'm trying to do, but I think it helps kind of melts the ice. Breaks the ice, melts... Breaks the ice and melts them. Melts their hearts.\nMichael: Thank you, Al Gore... for the Internet. Can send messages from one side the global to the other in the blink of an eye. Can you believe we couldn't do that ten years ago?\nKaty: We could do that ten years ago.\nMichael: Right, but 20 years ago we couldn't and that is amazing. Here's Toby from Human Resources. This is Katy. Toby, Katy.\nToby: Hi.\nKaty: Hi.\nToby: Hey, did you go to Bishop Ohara?\nKaty: Yeah.\nToby: Yeah, me too.\nKaty: Cool, what year where you there?\nToby: 89\nKaty: Oh.\nMichael: [talking over Toby and Katy] Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right? That'll damage ya. Sorry man. That's uh, that's a bad one. How much you paying her? What can, you can't even afford anything now, right? You're all right though, right? Don't ask me for a raise. [laughs] Cup of Soup's a good idea though. That'll... that's a good budgetary thing to do.\nToby: It's just a snack.\nMichael: Well, they're good snacks. They're good food, good meals, good lunch. Roman noodles are good too. You still sleepin' in the car?\nToby: No.\nMichael: Cause he slept in the car a couple times.\nToby: Just the once.\nMichael: Are you still taking the antidepressants? 'Cause it was a good idea. 'Cause it'll help. It'll help, man.\nKaty: I'm gonna go back to my table.\nMichael: Okay. I'll see you in a bit. [whispering] She's pretty cute isn't she? See you in a bit.\nRyan: I mean whatever one you want.\nKelly: Um, I like that one I think. [Ryan hands her a purse]\nRyan: Yeah, I mean, it looks real good, probably.\nPam: You know Michael's been talking to her too.\nJim: Oh, really?\nPam: What do you think his chances are?\nJim: Well, Pam I'm not gonna lie to you, he's chances are none. Um, he's 41 years old, he is losing his hair and his cell phone ring is 'Mambo #5.' So...\nPam: [laughs] I like that song.\nJim: I don't know though. I mean, you know that was a hit.\nPam: [laughs] 10 years ago.\nJim: Yeah, was it 10? Yeah, I have it on a mix tape from junior high.\nJim: Went well?\nDwight: I think it did.\nJim: You know what, just in case she's looking you should put some stuff in it.\nDwight: Seriously?\nJim: Anything. [Dwight begins to fill his new purse] Good. Yup.\nDwight: What else?\nJim: Post-it Notes. Wow, that purse holds a lot.\nDwight: It's a mini-briefcase.\nJim: Yeah, oh, I know. Looks great. [Dwight throws the purse over his right shoulder and gets back to work]\nKevin: Do you like Steve Miller?\nKaty: No.\nKevin: Cause I'm in a Steve Miller Tribute... Tribute Band.\nJim: Hey, Dwight. I need your stapler.\nDwight: It's in my purse.\nJim: Oh, great thanks.\nDwight: Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her. Uh, now he wants to fight. So I grab him. I throw him into a jukebox. Then the other ninja's got a knife. He comes at me. We grapple. I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now, I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss. I hear something in the leaves. I flip her around. She gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time. But, I knew.\nMichael: All right. That's looking good. Hey um, Ryan do you have any music I can borrow.\nRyan: What kind do you like?\nMichael: Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music.\nRyan: Okay, do you like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock?\nMichael: Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of 'em.\nRyan: Okay. Do you like The Strokes?\nMichael: Mmm hmm. I like 'em.\nRyan: Do you like The Hives?\nMichael: Yes. God. They're awesome.\nRyan: You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps?\nMichael: Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great.\nRyan: Yeah, I had a feeling you would like those.\nMichael: Cool, so maybe hook me up with some Fleebulls and some Hive.\nRyan: Absolutely.\nMichael: All right. This is gonna be good.\nDwight: Hi, here you can have this. [Dwight gives Kelly his purse] It's a mini-briefcase, but you can use it as a purse.\nKelly: Uh, thank you."}
{"text": "Michael: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, 'Hey, did you get an award?' And the neighbor will say, 'No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me.' Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...\nJim: So, you ready for the... the Dundies?\nPam: Ugh...\nPam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.\nMichael: [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert.\nJim: What?\nMichael: [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert.\nMichael: So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?\nJim: Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky.\nMichael: Oh, that's a good idea.\nDwight: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.\nMichael: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.\nMichael: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame.\nMichael: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling.\nStanley: I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out.\nMichael: Oh, no you di-int.\nStanley: I think I did.\nMichael: W-why did you...\nStanley: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?\nMichael: Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them.\nMichael: [in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the 'Show Me the Money' award! Yeah!\nPam: Michael has taped\nOscar: [in video] That's supposed to be confidential.\nMichael: [in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!\nMichael: [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing...\nMichael: [in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...\nPam: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great.\nMichael: [on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of...\nKelly: It was you.\nPhyllis: Live and learn.\nPam: [quietly laughing] It wasn't. I swear.\nKelly: Yeah, it was.\nDwight: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either.\nPam: We're not laughing at you, Dwight.\nDwight: So who are we laughing at?\nPam: Um, just something somebody wrote.\nDwight: Who? Dave Barry?\nKelly: [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall.\nDwight: What is it? Who wrote it?\nPam: Um, it's kind of private.\nPhyllis: [whispering] It's about Michael.\nDwight: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.\nPam: Okay, now I'm laughing at you.\nMichael: [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?\nJan: [on speaker phone] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael.\nMichael: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.\nJan: No.\nMichael: Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So...\nJan: No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this.\nMichael: Um...\nMichael: [to camera] Could you...?\nJan: Are you there Michael?\nMichael: Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.\nMichael: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean...\nMichael: ...come on, Jan!\nMichael: You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.\nJan: Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?\nMichael: Well, yeah, I mean, what is...\nJan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.\nMichael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...\nJan: And you had a luau...\nMichael: ...it happens once every billion years.\nJan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.\nMichael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.\nJan: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.\nMichael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.\nMichael: This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] 'Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.' Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk.\nPhyllis: Dwight, get out of here!!\nDwight: No, no, no, no...\nPhyllis: What were you doing in the ladies room?!\nDwight: ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.\nPhyllis: Why were you peering over the stalls?!\nDwight: No, why were you in there?!\nPhyllis: You are a pervert!\nDwight: What were you doing in there?\nPhyllis: You, are, a pervert!\nDwight: I am not.\nMichael: [in video] The Dundie award for 'Longest Engagement' goes to Pam Beesley.\nMichael: Pam, everybody! [starts clapping]\nMichael: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting.\nRoy: [on video] Yes.\nMichael: [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?\nRoy: [on video] Ah, w-we'll see you next year.\nMichael: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!\nMichael: I'm not changing that, it's the best one.\nJim: No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, 'world's longest engagement', um, we're all expecting it, you know?\nMichael: That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.\nJim: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.\nMichael: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh.\nDwight: Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.\nPam: You're taking away our bathroom?\nDwight: We are going to have two men's rooms.\nPhyllis: But where would we...go?\nDwight: Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to...\nPam: Michael...\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.\nMichael: Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now.\nDwight: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions...\nMichael: Just don't, don't talk-\nDwight: ...for people's behavior.\nMichael: Don't talk-\nDwight: And it's-\nMichael: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!\nMichael: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.\nDwight: [with a small fist pump] Yes!\nMichael: Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever.\nDwight: [clapping] Best Dundies ever.\nDwight: Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.\nDwight: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. [points] Devon!\nMichael: The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello.' [to Ryan] Card!\nOscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like.\nMichael: You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-'\nDwight: The waitress tripped on the cord.\nMichael: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!\nKevin: [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab.\nMichael: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks.\nStanley: You said, we could bring our families.\nMichael: I did. And why didn't ya Stanley?\nStanley: I did, my wife's name is Terri.\nMichael: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri.\nStanley: It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael.\nMichael: [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight.\nDwight: Really? We don't have any girls from HR.\nMichael: No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.\nDwight: Yeah?\nMichael: And I was about to take her bra off...\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-\nDwight: Like an AIDS test?\nMichael: No! [under his breath] God.\nMichael: [clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted.\nDarryl: Hey let's go to Poor Richard's.\nRoy: Yeah, let's get out of here.\nPam: Um...\nMichael: Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started.\nPam: Sorry.\nRyan: You staying?\nJim: Yeah, gotta eat somewhere.\nMichael: And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts...\nMichael: ...the 'Busiest Beaver' award goes to Phyllis Lapin.\nMichael: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.\nPhyllis: This says 'Bushiest Beaver'.\nMichael: What? I told them busiest...idiots.\nPhyllis: It's, it's fine.\nMichael: Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that.\nPam: ...because that's what happens every time!\nRoy: ...talking about? He's a jackass every year.\nPam: No.\nRoy: [Put's his hand on Pam's arm] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's.\nPam: [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to.\nRoy: Pam. Go.\nPam: If you would have asked me that, then you would know.\nMichael: [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.\nJim: Hey! How are ya? I thought you left?\nPam: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay.\nJim: Oh!\nPam: I'll just get a ride home from Angela.\nJim: Oh.\nPam: Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping.\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny.\nMichael: Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout.\nPam: [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer] Can I get a drink?\nMichael: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office.\nMichael: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The 'Hottest in the Office' award goes to... ...Ryan the temp!\nMichael: Yeah. [singing to music] 'Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you.' Here you go.\nRyan: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now.\nMichael: And the 'Tight Ass' award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down.\nAngela: No.\nJim: [Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty.\nPam: No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [laughs]\nJim: Second drink?\nMichael: The 'Spicy Curry' award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go.\nKelly: Spicy Curry', what's that mean?\nMichael: Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke.\nKelly: Yeah, but why'd you give it to me?\nMichael: I don't know, it's just...\nKelly: This is a bowler-\nMichael: I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So...\nKelly: Yeah, but everyone else-\nMichael: Just sit down Kelly.\nMichael: [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go.\nMichael: [Michael is singing to the tune of 'Tiny Dancer' by Elton John] 'You have won a tiny Dundie.'\nGuy at bar: Sing it Elton.\nMichael: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?\nOther Guy at Bar: We just came from yo' mama's house.\nMichael: Oh, alright, yeah.\nGuy At Bar: Sing 'em a song dude.\nMichael: Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh...\nMichael: [Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-\nGuy At Bar: You suck man!\nMichael: Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off]\nMichael: [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the 'Don't Go in There After Me' award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...\nMichael: [give Kevin his award]There you go.\nPam: Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom.\nJim: [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev.\nPam: Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet!\nJim: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going.\nPam: More Dundies!\nPam and Jim: [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!\nEverybody: Dundies! Dundies!\nMichael: [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year.\nPam: Fine work! Fine work Stanley!\nMichael: You know you did.\nPam: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in]\nStanley: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't...\nStanley: So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling]\nMichael: And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley...\nMichael: ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.\nMichael: It is the 'Whitest Sneakers' award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!\nMichael: Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go.\nPam: I have so many people to thank for this award.\nPam: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too.\nPam: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie.\nPam: And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!\nMichael: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you.\nJim: What a great year for the Dundies.\nJim: We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding]\nJim: What?\nPam: Nothing.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: What?\nJim: I don't know, what?\nJim: Oh my God! You are so drunk!\nJim: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on.\nDwight: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.\nJim: He's a volunteer.\nDwight: Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-\nJim: Dwight come on, come-\nDwight: It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt.\nPam: Dwight, get off me!\nEmployee: I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat.\nDwight: [struggling] Ahh! I can't-\nMichael: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.\nPam: Oh my God!\nJim: Whoa.\nPam: I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!\nJim: Whoa.\nJim: Whoa, careful, careful.\nChili's Employee: We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again.\nMichael: Great work tonight.\nDwight: Watch your step.\nMichael: Excellent.\nDwight: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion.\nMichael: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.\nPam: I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.\nJim: No you don't.\nJim: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there.\nPam: Hey, um, can I ask you a question?\nJim: Shoot.\nPam: Um, I just wanted to say thanks.\nJim: Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk.\nJim: Alright.\nPam: Bye.\nJim: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.\nMichael: TMI. Too much information. I used to say, 'Don't go there,' but that is so lame now. Or, 'You go, girl.' Or... Um, when did 'Where's the beef?' That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, 'Too much information' probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years.\nToby: Yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie. I am more than okay with that.\nKelly: I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby. Toby is so cute, except he has that stupid kid.\nAngela: Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important. We need everyone to get home safely. [sighs] But no one ever gives me gas money, and people live all over. It's expensive.\nDwight: [scoffs] Like a gaggle of geese... [jibbering mockingly]\nMichael: All right, we need something for Kevin.\nJim: Mmm-hmmm.\nMichael: What do we know about him? He's an accountant.\nJim: He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He's a bowler.\nMichael: [talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award.\nJim: Well, you seem to have this under control.\nJim: The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized.\nMichael: I am the fat accountant.\nDwight: Michael, I need to talk to you.\nMichael: Here he is.\nDwight: I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall.\nMichael: Really? What did they say? 'For a good time, call Michael Scott'?\nJim: Good one.\nDwight: Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe.\nMichael: Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why...\nDwight: Michael.\nMichael: I mean, you just come in and you're just negative...\nDwight: Michael.\nMichael: ...and you just walk negatively.\nMichael: Do you want me to find out what it says?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: By any means necessary?\nMichael: What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about?\nDwight: It's the ladies' room.\nMichael: Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy.\nMichael: Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael.\nJim: What award would you like to give Dwight?\nMichael: I hadn't planned on including him.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Kevin.\nDwight: It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married.\nDwight: Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says.\nAngela: I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom.\nDwight: I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael.\nAngela: I don't says those kinds of things out loud. It's inappropriate.\nDwight: Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener?\nKevin: I think his characters are pretty funny. Especially Ping.\nMichael: Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies?\nKelly: No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters, like last time.\nMichael: Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character.\nOscar: I think many people find that character slightly racist.\nMichael: Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me.\nOscar: Look, I'm just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits.\nMichael: [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care?\nPhyllis: Dwight, get out of here!\nDwight: No, no, no.\nPhyllis: You can't be in here!\nDwight: It's not what you think.\nPhyllis: Shut up. You're a freak!\nDwight: I'm on official business.\nPhyllis: You are...\nDwight: This is Dunder Mifflin...\nPhyllis: I'm telling Michael.\nDwight: No. Phyllis, you're not...\nPhyllis: I'm telling Michael.\nDwight: Phyllis, no. No.\nPhyllis: Michael, Michael.\nDwight: Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind.\nPhyllis: Dwight was in the ladies' room and he was looking at me.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: That is not true.\nPhyllis: He was looking at me in the ladies' room.\nDwight: That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy.\nMichael: Dwight, you've hit a new low here.\nPhyllis: That's what I said. He was spying in the ladies' room.\nDwight: What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, 'Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down.' I'm not even attracted to you.\nMichael: That is a good point.\nPhyllis: Write him up or I'll take it to Jan.\nMichael: Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely.\nPhyllis: When?\nMichael: Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good.\nPhyllis: All right.\nDwight: All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. [turns off their computers] Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll.\nMichael: Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing?\nMichael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?\nDwight: Yeah, you know me.\nMichael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?\nDwight: The Dundies!\nMichael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies\nDwight: You know me.\nMichael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?\nDwight: Yeah, you know me.\nMichael: [singing] Yeah, all the homies\nMichael: I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head]\nKevin: So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get 'longest engagement' this year.\nRoy: Well. You're not goona get longest engagement, man, 'cause we got that locked up.\nKevin: I wonder what I'll get. I brought my fiance.\nMichael: All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight.\nToby: I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award.\nMichael: He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it?\nToby: Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on.\nMichael: [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby.\nToby: It wasn't a vote. You decided.\nMichael: Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it.\nToby: Okay, that is not true.\nMichael: Yes, it is true.\nToby: Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you.\nMichael: Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade...\nDwight: Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes.\nWaitress: We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino...\nDwight: No, no. No margarita. Hot sake.\nWaitress: [shakes head 'no']\nDwight: Fosters in the big can.\nWaitress: [shakes head 'no' again]\nDwight: Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles.\nDwight: Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still.\nPam: I am fine.\nJim: Dwight, this is crazy.\nPam: Okay.\nDwight: Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move.\nJim: Dwight, Dwight.\nDwight: I'm sorry.\nPam: [laughing] I am fine.\nDwight: Jim, don't interfere.\nManager: You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat.\nPam: Oh, my God.\nDwight: Can you give me a second, sir.\nManager: No!\nPam: Dwight, let me up.\nManager: Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now.\nDwight: I am a Sheriff's Deputy.\nManager: That's fine.\nDwight: I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested.\nJim: The other volunteers.\nDwight: Pam, are you all right?\nPam: I'm fine.\nManager: Sir, sir.\nDwight: How many fingers am I holding up?\nPam: You're holding up three fingers.\nDwight: All right. Are you okay?\nManager: Put your clothes on, right now.\nDwight: I will. I will. You need to calm down.\nManager: Right now.\nMichael: Don't wanna forget that.\nManager: You and your party really need to leave right now.\nMichael: Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's?\nManager: You know what? Don't worry about it.\nMichael: Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year.\nManager: That's fine."}
{"text": "Michael: [clears throat] Hey, what's up?\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: Any emails today?\nJim: Um... I don't think so.\nMichael: No? Um... Check your spam folder.\nJim: Oh! There it is!\nMichael: What?\nJim: Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'\nMichael: [laughs uncontrollably]\nJim: Well done.\nMichael: Kay.\nJim: Topical.\nMichael: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.\nDwight: So the monkey does the sex thing right here! [monkey noises in background]\nMichael: That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational.\nDwight: Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?\nMichael: Um, I...\nDwight: Consider it?\nMichael: Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey!\nTodd Packer: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy!\nMichael: Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!\nTodd Packer: [makes laser gun noises]\nMichael: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.\nTodd Packer: bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert?\nMichael: Uh oh.\nTodd Packer: Still queer?\nMichael: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!\nMichael: Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So...\nMichael: Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.\nTodd Packer: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.\nMichael: Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!\nTodd Packer: We're talking blonde incompetent.\nMichael: Oh, yeah.\nTodd Packer: Like 10 words a minute... talking.\nMichael: Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.\nTodd Packer: They are women, right?\nMichael: Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!\nTodd Packer: I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.\nMichael: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.\nJim: Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points at self] This guy!\nTodd Packer: Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?\nMichael: Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um... Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise]\nTodd Packer: [to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let's go.\nMichael: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.\nJim: Except pass that breathalyzer.\nRyan: You a big William Hung fan?\nTodd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?\nKevin's computer: [monkey noises]\nJim: I'm really excited to meet your Mom.\nPam: You are?\nPam: My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.\nPam: I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.\nJim: Oh yeah?\nPam: mmhmm.\nJim: Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.\nPam: Oh really?\nJim: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?\nMichael: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.\nDwight: Yes!\nMichael: Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. 'Old School'.\nToby: Michael?\nMichael: Yes, Toby?\nToby: Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.\nMichael: Um... literally two seconds?\nMichael: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.\nToby: The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.\nMichael: No, no, Toby. No.\nToby: It's really not a big deal, Michael.\nMichael: It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!\nToby: And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer...\nMichael: What?\nToby: Just to refresh you... .\nMichael: NO!\nToby: on our policy.\nMichael: What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?\nToby: Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.\nMichael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.\nMichael: Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away.\nToby: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.\nMichael: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.\nMichael: A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says 'Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?' This is what's at stake.\nMichael: Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. [to Warehouse guys] Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?\nDarryl: Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?\nMichael: Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.\nDarryl: Well, [points at Michael] those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?\nRoy: Boys R Us!\nWarehouse Guy: Oh!\nMichael: Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.\nDarryl: Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.\nMichael: Oooh, okay. That was still about me.\nRoy: Hey, hey, hey.\nMichael: What?\nRoy: So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad.\nMichael: I don't feel bad.\nDarryl: [fake whispers to Roy] I think he feels bad.\nMichael: No, I don't.\nRoy: You look like you feel bad.\nMichael: Okay.\nRoy: Little package!\nMichael: Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.\nWarehouse guy: Little package! Little package!\nMichael: Thank you.\nRoy: You look good.\nDarryl: Hiding from his momma.\nWarehouse guys: [kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds]\nToby: So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam?\nPam: Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today.\nKevin: MILF!\nPam: Thanks, Kevin.\nPam: Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.\nPam: She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.\nToby: Great point.\nPam: Thank you.\nToby: Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.\nMichael: Hi, is it over?\nToby: Uh, yes!\nMichael: No.\nToby: I can go over it with you.\nMichael: I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.\nToby: It's over.\nMichael: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?\nAngela: Email forwards.\nMichael: Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?\nAngela: I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck.\nMichael: Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?\nStanley: That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now.\nMeredith: Um... what about office romance?\nToby: Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.\nPhyllis: All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?\nMichael: I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.\nDwight: Yeah, Meredith.\nMichael: No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: She would have definitely slept with me.\nKevin: She wasn't that hot.\nMichael: Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!\nToby: Ok, you know, Michael...\nJim: I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it.\nMichael: What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her 'partner' in to work? [to Toby] Would that be crossing the line?\nToby: No.\nMichael: What if they made out? In front of everybody?\nToby: Well, that would be...\nMichael: At home? And I told everybody everything about it.\nToby: Okay, I'm lost.\nMichael: Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam?\nVideo: [Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace]\nMichael: I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?\nJim: No, thanks. I'm good.\nMichael: That's what she said. Pam?\nPam: Uh... my mother's coming.\nMichael: That's what she sai [clears throat] Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.\nDwight: Hey, Toby.\nToby: Hey Dwight.\nDwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.\nToby: Sure.\nDwight: Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?\nToby: Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.\nToby: Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.\nDwight: Good. Good. And...\nToby: I should get back to work.\nDwight: Okay.\nMan in Video: In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?'\nVideo: [Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead]\nRoy: Natural redhead.\nActor: Hey, Rach.\nRedheaded Actress: Hey, Joe. Mike.\nActor: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?\nDarryl: Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. [pointing at Redheaded Actress] I banged this girl right here. This is...\nRoy: That's her?\nDarryl: Yes, this is the one.\nRoy: No!\nDarryl: You remember? Yes!\nRoy: At the party?\nWarehouse guy: You banged her?\nDarryl: Yes! [to video screen] Right here. You are a naughty girl!\nMichael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.\nJan: [to cell phone] Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. [to Pam] Hi.\nMichael: Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.\nTodd Packer: Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour.\nPam: I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks.\nTodd Packer: Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably.\nMichael: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.\nMr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes.\nMichael: Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.\nMichael: When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.\nJan: You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem?\nMichael: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.\nJan: Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything.\nMichael: Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.\nJan: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?\nMichael: No, I've seen the video.\nToby: [to Jan] He talked the whole time.\nMichael: No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll]\nMichael: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.\nJim: Does that include 'That's What She Said'?\nMichael: Mmmhmm. Yes.\nJim: Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...\nMichael: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!\nJan: Michael. MICHAEL!\nMichael: [laughing] Come on.\nJan: Michael, please.\nTodd Packer: There he is.\nMichael: Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]\nTodd Packer: There he is. Good one.\nMichael: You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.\nJan: Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.\nMichael: It's... That's...\nJan: That's not my sense of humor.\nMichael: Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.\nJan: Wha...\nMichael: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.\nAlbiny: [to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.\nMichael: This guy does it all.\nJan: [to Albiny] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.\nMichael: What?\nJan: Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.\nMichael: So I'm not in trouble?\nMichael: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.\nMichael: Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so...\nAlbiny: Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.\nMichael: I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.\nPam's Mom: Um... hello.\nPam: [ecstatic] Oh my god!\nPam's Mom: Finally made it!\nPam: Hello!\nPam: I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever.\nPam's Mom: This is all yours?\nPam: Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area.\nPam's Mom: Oh, my goodness. That's great.\nTodd Packer: So a guy goes home, tells his wife, 'Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery.' She goes, 'Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?' He goes, 'I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!' [men laugh] Boom!\nPam: This is where I used to keep my computer.\nPam's Mom: Oh, right! I remember...\nPam: But then I moved it.\nPam's Mom: with the picture.\nPam: Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So...\nPam's Mom: Sure.\nPam: So this is like, um, an organization station...\nPam's Mom: [to Roy] Oooooh!\nPam: Hey!\nPam's Mom: Well, there he is!\nRoy: How are ya?\nPam's Mom: Hi, handsome!\nRoy: You look great!\nPam's Mom: Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?\nPam: Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.\nPam's Mom: Oh, I don't believe that.\nRoy: Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?\nPam's Mom: Oh, anything is fine.\nRoy: All right, I'll see ya.\nPam's Mom: So which one is Jim?\nPam: Mom!\nPam's Mom: I just wanted to know.\nPam: No.\nPam's Mom: All right. Okay.\nPam: Ten minutes.\nPam's Mom: Okay.\nPam: Then we can go to dinner.\nPam's Mom: I'll make myself busy.\nTodd Packer: There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... [points at Phyllis]\nKevin: Phyllis?\nMichael: No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.\nTodd Packer: Ex-squeeze me?\nMichael: Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.\nKevin: Packer said it.\nMichael: No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.\nPhyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael.\nMichael: I don't know about that.\nPhyllis: We're in the same High School class.\nMichael: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.\nKevin: You mean where my desk is?\nMichael: Yes, your corner. Go.\nKevin: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.\nMichael: Mmmhmmm.\nTodd Packer: Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?\nMichael: They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on.\nPhyllis: Michael! Come on!\nMichael: Oooh!\nPhyllis: You don't have to worry. I'm not going to...\nMichael: I'm not worried.\nPhyllis: ...report you to HR.\nMichael: You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.\nMichael: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.\nPam: He said what?\nMichael: Good morning, Pam.\nPam: Good morning, Michael.\nMichael: What's going on?\nPam: Nothing. You look nice today.\nMichael: What?\nPam: You look real thin.\nMichael: I don't get what you mean.\nPam: You just... You look good. Your shirt looks... You look real good.\nMichael: Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or... [laughing]\nPam: Thin handsome, Michael.\nMichael: Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing]\nDwight: Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. [Jim takes a drink] Well, you're an idiot.\nJim: What can I say, Dwight, I live a very dangerous life.\nKevin: [Email chiming] [snickers] Did you see that?\nOscar: I saw it.\nKevin: You can see her...\nAngela: It's fake.\nKevin: How do you know?\nAngela: She wouldn't do that. She's a Senator.\nMichael: Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that?\nPam: We're not dating.\nMichael: No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating...\nPam: We're not dating, I'm engaged.\nMichael: Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out.\nPam: I would say no.\nMichael: You say yes, and we go out.\nPam: I would drown myself.\nMichael: And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby.\nMichael: Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, 'Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason.' I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: I know we're having that harassment thing this afternoon.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: Sometimes when we IM, I send you that little winking face with the lipstick.\nJim: Yeah?\nPam: Yeah. I realize that might be harassment.\nJim: Yes, it is harassment and I'm going to be suing the winking face. I've hired the angry face as my lawyer and you will be hearing from him pretty soon.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Okay. [IM chiming] [laughing]"}
{"text": "Michael: I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast.\nRyan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.\nMichael: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.\nRyan: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?\nMichael: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. 'Home Alone,' 'Risky Business.' Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.\nRyan: I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts.\nMichael: Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs.\nMichael: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.\nDwight: Diversifying. Smart.\nMichael: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.\nDwight: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.\nMichael: Maybe.\nJim: [looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk]\nPam: [laughs]\nPam: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him.\nPam: You see Dwight's coffee mug?\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nPam: Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.\nJim: No way. Let's do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh.\nPam: Here.\nJim: Wind.\nPam: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight.\nJim: Perfect. [misses]\nPam: Oh.\nJim: Oh.\nDwight: You should go.\nMichael: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough.\nDwight: Uh huh.\nMichael: Sign the papers at the condo.\nDwight: You have your lawyer there?\nMichael: Uh, I don't need one.\nDwight: Can I be your representative?\nMichael: I don't need a representative.\nDwight: I think I should be there.\nMichael: No, No.\nDwight: I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code.\nMichael: No. Dwight. I'm fine.\nDwight: Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work.\nMichael: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal.\nDwight: So you're taking a personal day?\nMichael: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.\nDwight: Please, I'll make you proud.\nMichael: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.\nDwight: Yes! As your representative?\nMichael: As my associate.\nDwight: Same thing.\nMichael: No it is not.\nDwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.\nMichael: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies.\nPam: You headed out?\nMichael: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day.\nPam: Ok.\nMichael: Very good.\nPam: Have a great time.\nMichael: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?\nPam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.\nMichael: Good. The Small Business Man?\nPam: Yup.\nMichael: Maxim? American Way? Cracked?\nPam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.\nMichael: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?\nPam: [shakes head]\nMichael: NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: Ok. See you soon.\nDwight: What kind of shocks you got on this baby?\nMichael: I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?\nDwight: [tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down.\nMichael: What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please...\nDwight: But then no one can see us.\nMichael: I... Just... Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.\nDwight: Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator.\nMichael: I do not understand what you spend your money on.\nKevin: [paper football lands on desk] Ooh.\nJim: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter?\nOscar: Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know.\nJim: [points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean?\nOscar: Eh.\nJim: Wait a minute, what is this?\nOscar: It's a scoreboard.\nJim: What?\nOscar: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out.\nJim: Really?\nOscar: Yeah.\nKevin: Or when we're bored.\nJim: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years.\nKevin: We're bored a lot.\nJim: [flicks football onto Kevin's desk] OH!\nKevin: Oh!\nOscar: Sweet!\nJim: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah.\nKevin: We call it Hate Ball.\nJim: Why?\nKevin: Because of how much Angela hates it.\nJim: Hey, do you guys have any other games?\nKevin: Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'\nAngela: You\nOscar: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball.\nMichael: Home, sweet home.\nDwight: Which one's yours?\nMichael: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... [turns around] no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home.\nJim: [bounces ball off wall with Toby] So that's what this sound is all day.\nCarol: Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association.\nMichael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something.\nBill: Nice to meet you.\nMichael: Nice to meet you too.\nDwight: This is smaller than your old place.\nMichael: Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um.\nDwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.\nCarol: Are we ready to sign some papers?\nDwight: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood.\nBill: It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles.\nCarol: It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.\nMichael: Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that.\nDwight: Let's go check out the master bedroom.\nJim: Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games?\nStanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called 'work hard so my kids can go to college.'\nJim: Fair enough.\nMichael: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall.\nDwight: Oh. Terrible idea.\nMichael: I'm putting my bed right over here.\nDwight: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed.\nMichael: Well, then I will get a warrantee.\nDwight: Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off.\nMichael: Well then I won't get a warrantee.\nDwight: Shh Shh.\nMichael: So that's the problem, is solved. What?\nDwight: Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.\nJim: [sings Olympic theme song] This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something.\nKevin: It smells like cookies.\nJim: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids.\nPam: Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system.\nAngela: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work.\nJim: Let the games begin. [sings Olympic theme]\nCarol: And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow.\nDwight: What kind of mortgage did you get?\nMichael: Uh... Ten year.\nCarol: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total.\nMichael: What? Wha? You said ten.\nCarol: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total.\nDwight: Ho, thirty years.\nMichael: Ok, ok, ok.\nDwight: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.\nMichael: Alright.\nDwight: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.\nMichael: Ok. Alright. Oh boy.\nDwight: Well, this is it.\nCarol: Whenever you're ready.\nMichael: Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?\nCarol: Actually yes.\nDwight: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.\nMichael: Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me.\nDwight: We'll be here waiting for you.\nMichael: Oh, man.\nDwight: A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.\nCarol: Whenever you're ready, Michael.\nMichael: Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees]\nJim: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam?\nPam: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton.\nJim: Hum.\nPam: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.\nJim: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton.\nPam: The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.\nJim: So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone?\nPhyllis: I'll do it.\nJim: Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk.\nMichael: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't...\nCarol: What?\nMichael: ...know if you showed me this same unit or not.\nCarol: Michael, this is the unit you saw and...\nMichael: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.\nCarol: Who told you that?\nMichael: As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here.\nMichael: There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down.\nCarol: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom.\nMichael: No, no, no.\nCarol: That's some extra income for you.\nMichael: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.\nCarol: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.\nMichael: Ehhhh...\nMichael: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.\nDwight: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs]\nJim: Here we go. Here we go.\nPam: Go! Go! Go!\nOscar: Pair of shoes!\nJim: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis!\nPam: It's Phyllis!\nJim: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton.\nPam: Flonkerton.\nJim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland.\nMeredith: Wow!\nKevin: [empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth]\nJim: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow.\nMichael: There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today.\nDwight: You didn't have to...\nMichael: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.\nMichael: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities.\nDwight: I don't even know what to say.\nMichael: I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone.\nDwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?\nMichael: What the hell is a terrarium?\nDwight: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.\nMichael: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place.\nDwight: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.\nPam: Are you sure you don't want to play?\nAngela: I'm sure.\nPam: Come on Angela, don't you have a game?\nAngela: I have one, yes.\nPam: Well, let's play, what is it?\nAngela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.\nPam: We're friends.\nAngela: Apparently.\nJim: Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Are you calling me a ho?\nJim: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it.\nDwight: Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?\nMichael: We take separate cars.\nDwight: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?\nMichael: Why would we do that?\nDwight: Just for fun?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?\nMichael: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok.\nDwight: Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch.\nOscar: Ah...\nEveryone: OH!\nJim: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?\nRyan: I did.\nJim: Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal.\nPam: I made something for our closing ceremonies.\nJim: What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?\nPam: Automatic voicemail.\nJim: Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work!\nPam: [sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet]\nStanley: A little bit more and I would have had it.\nDwight: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.\nMichael: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.\nDwight: People love beets.\nMichael: Nobody likes beets.\nDwight: Everybody loves beets.\nMichael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.\nDwight: Let's get this roof going.\nMichael: Stop it! [smacks Dwight's arm]\nDwight: Ow.\nJim: Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15.\nStanley: Oscar!\nCrowd: Go! Go! Go!\nJim: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys?\nDwight: What is going on?\nJim: Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er?\nDwight: That's my stopwatch.\nJim: [hands expense report to Oscar] Here you go. All done.\nOscar: Great.\nJim: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so.\nRyan: I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?\nJim: Hey.\nPam: I have 59 voicemails.\nJim: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?\nPam: Sure.\nJim: Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies.\nPam: Really?\nJim: Notify the athletes.\nPam: Cool.\nJim: Michael.\nMichael: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on?\nJim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.\nMichael: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly.\nJim: Nice.\nMichael: You know.\nJim: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you.\nMichael: Really?\nMichael: What's this?\nJim: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps]\nMichael: I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment.\nJim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal.\nMichael: Get up here, Dwight.\nDwight: Silver medal.\nMichael: Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem?\nJim: Um... 'Cause your condo's in America.\nMichael: Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that?\nJim: Those are the doves.\nPam: Hey. Morning.\nJim: Oh, Pam? Can I see you in here for a second? It's important, so...\nPam: Okay. What? What is this?\nJim: I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot.\nPam: Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?\nJim: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do. What do you think?\nPam: I know. I know what to do.\nJim: Okay, what?\nPam: Okay. Put everything back exactly how you found it.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Hey, Dwight. Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot.\nDwight: What did you do to it?\nJim: Nothing.\nDwight: I'm serious. What did you do to it?\nPam: Dwight, I swear, we didn't do anything.\nDwight: Nice try. [on the phone] Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card.\nOscar: I mean, you've got, you've got stuff here. You rented 'Mermaids.' You can't... It's a movie. You can't deduct that, you know that.\nKevin: All right.\nAngela: It's not an office expense.\nKevin: Yes, thank you.\nAngela: Next year, you should file your stuff in a basket.\nOscar: Remember last year he slipped by with 'Stripes.' He rented 'Stripes,' he had it for a week.\nKevin: Please...\nOscar: And that got through, so maybe he's thinking he can do that from now on.\nKevin: Please, please. Please.\nDwight: What are the specs?\nMichael: Oh, okay. I'll tell you. Let's see here. Three bedroom, two bath...\nDwight: [talking over Michael] Nice.\nMichael: ...contemporary townhouse. Two car parking...\nDwight: [talking over Michael] Yes.\nMichael: ...wall-to-wall carpets...\nDwight: [talking over Michael] God, what a steal.\nMichael: ...all fixtures included. Yes, this is... This is looking good.\nDwight: Does it have a deck?\nMichael: I think it does.\nDwight: Have you seen it?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Does it have a deck?\nMichael: I think it has a... Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck.\nMichael: When a man is laying on his deathbed there are four things that go through his mind. Was I well-loved? Check. Did I express myself? Did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check. Check, check, check, check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate? And when I close on this condo, I will be able to check that one as well.\nJim: What do you call it? Schruteball?\nPam: Okay. How about skeet Schruteing?\nJim: Did you just come up with that?\nPam: Mmm-hmmm.\nJim: That is good. That's it. That's what it is.\nPam: Thank you.\nJim: Wow. [cup tinkles]\nPam: Oh, oh.\nJim: Oh, Somebody went in. That was a team effort, Pam.\nPam: Oh!\nMichael: Home owner. About to join an exclusive club, Dwight. Maybe some day these people out here will know what that feels like. Maybe not. Who knows? Not my problem. [groans]\nDwight: It's time.\nMichael: Are we ready?\nDwight: That's it.\nMichael: Are we gonna do it?\nMichael: This is all mine. All the way down around the corner. It's a shared space, but I can use it whenever I want to,\nDwight: Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department.\nMichael: Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station.\nDwight: Same thing.\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years.\nMichael: Oh, anything bad?\nDwight: Two charges of loitering,\nMichael: Mmm-hmm.\nDwight: one noise complaint, several speeding tickets.\nMichael: Mmm-hmm.\nDwight: Do you own a gun?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: I'd think about it.\nMichael: I don't need a gun.\nMan: Hello?\nMichael: Hello! How are you? I'm, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we're going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what's the vibe? What's the vibe of this place?\nMan: Uh, I don't know. It's pretty quiet.\nMichael: Oh... That's gonna change. [laughing]\nMan: Why?\nMichael: Because I loves to party and I'm gonna be partying my butt out at this place.\nMan: Okay, but there's an 11:00 noise curfew.\nDwight: Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate.\nMan: Who is Mr. Scott?\nDwight: Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera?\nMan: No.\nMichael: Here's a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool.\nToby: So it's like volleyball.\nJim: Okay.\nToby: Okay, you get a one-second hold on the ball...\nJim: Mmm-hmm.\nToby: ...and you bounce it off the wall on your side of the tape.\nJim: Oh, okay. Oh, do... that's what the tape is for. I didn't know.\nToby: Yeah, Michael asked about it once. I just pretended not to hear him. He left.\nMichael: I think I'm going to make myself some microwave popcorn. [humming] Press 'Popcorn.' Oh, that's gonna be delicious. I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. You know what? I could do with some hot chocolate as well. Oh, drat. I can't make hot chocolate and popcorn at the same time, unless, I can. Boom! Second microwave for le hot chocolat.\nCarol: Hello.\nMichael: Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you?\nCarol: Hello, hi. Hey, Michael.\nMichael: Good to see you.\nDwight: Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground.\nJim: Hey, Phyllis, Do you have any games that you play in the office?\nPhyllis: What do you mean?\nJim: Um, like stapler tennis or something like that.\nPhyllis: No.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Second bedroom for the ladies. I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed, or for friends or family, whoever wants to pop on by to casa de Scott. And right in here... What, what's in here? Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there? Limitless possibilities.\nDwight: Seal it off.\nMichael: What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there?\nDwight: Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation.\nMichael: Oh, my God. Dwight.\nDwight: Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time.\nMichael: You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids' room.\nDwight: Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend.\nMichael: I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids.\nDwight: Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?\nMichael: I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman.\nDwight: Just a possibility.\nMichael: No, it's not. Just shut up.\nDwight: If you fall in love with her.\nMichael: You're an ass. Shut it.\nDwight: I smell mold.\nMichael: No, you don't.\nDwight: Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives.\nMichael: I'm gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here.\nCarol: How?\nMichael: This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks.\nDwight: [looking into his coffee mug] What the hell?"}
{"text": "Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second.\nJim: Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker.\nPam: Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud?\nJim: So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye.\nPam: [to Jim] Hey! You can just give her your extension.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think.\nRyan: The temp agency wants to know what you think.\nMichael: Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! [laughs]\nDwight: Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years.\nMichael: Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be?\nRyan: Ah, well, I'm interested in business.\nMichael: Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager?\nRyan: Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company.\nMichael: That is ridiculous.\nMichael: Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.\nMichael: [speaks in a Yoda voice] Much advice you seek. [regular voice] Do you know who that is?\nRyan: Fozzie bear?\nMichael: Mmm... No. That was Yoda.\nMichael: There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play.\nRyan: Got it.\nMichael: And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.\nMichael: [to Ryan] [makes clicking noises like shooting a gun] Hey!\nDwight: Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto.\nOscar: [in background, on phone] But it says no late fee... .\nDwight: [alarm sounds] People!\nAngela: Okay! Everybody!\nDwight: This is not a test! Move to the exits!\nAngela: Do not panic!\nDwight: Head towards the exits.\nAngela: Safety partners.\nDwight: Get up off your desks!\nAngela: Do not panic.\nOscar: [in phone] No, I don't hear it? Alright.\nDwight: No, panic is warranted!\nAngela: Go in single file lines.\nOscar: [in phone] No, no. Finish the...\nDwight: This is not at drill!\nAngela: Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides!\nDwight: Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively!\nAngela: Go, let's go.\nDwight: This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow!\nDwight: This is not a test! Can you leave?!\nPhyllis: Oh, you say that every time.\nDwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?\nPhyllis: Oh, boy...\nDwight: Do you want to die? OUT!!\nAngela: Alright, let's go, let's go.\nDwight: STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim?\nAngela: Come on, you're safety partners!\nDwight: Move to the exits!\nAngela: You're safety partners!\nDwight: We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! [Spots Kelly] Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you!\nKelly: I'm okay!\nDwight: Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose.\nKelly: Let go of me!\nDwight: Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW!\nMichael: Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.\nMichael: Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations.\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two.\nDwight: Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he?\nMichael: So what was rule two?\nRyan: Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act.\nMichael: Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower.\nDwight: Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off.\nMichael: Okay, uh, well, one is taken.\nRyan: Uh, okay, two?\nDwight: NO!\nRyan: Okay... uh, sorry?\nDwight: Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today.\nMichael: Well, he needs a permanent number, right?\nRyan: No.\nRyan: ...I don't.\nDwight: Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers.\nMichael: Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges.\nDwight: That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers...\nRyan: I don't want to be like 'a guy' here. You know? Like, Stanley is the 'crossword puzzle guy'. And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the 'something guy'.\nJim: Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do?\nStanley: Ooh.\nJim: And, um...\nPam: ...Would You Rather?\nJim: Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game.\nDwight: [to firemen] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a...\nJim: Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela.\nAngela: The Bible.\nStanley: That's one book. You've got two others.\nAngela: A Purpose Driven Life.\nJim: Nice. Third book?\nAngela: No.\nJim: Okay. Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Um, The DaVinci Code.\nAngela: The DaVinci Code!\nJim: Nice.\nAngela: I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code.\nDwight: Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island?\nJim: I guess.\nDwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books.\nJim: Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight.\nDwight: Fine. Physician's Desk Reference.\nJim: Nice. Smart.\nDwight: ...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?\nMichael: Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it?\nRyan: Yeah.\nJim: Okay. Thought people read more books.\nJim: DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith?\nMeredith: Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County...\nJim: Wow.\nPam: Legends of the Fall?\nJim: Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... .\nPam: Well, I kind of liked Legal...\nJim: Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable.\nPam: I take it back.\nJim: Unforgivable.\nPam: I take it back!\nJim: Good.\nMeredith: ...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene...\nDwight: Is this your car, Ryan?\nMichael: Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh?\nRyan: [to Dwight] Don't...\nDwight: Good shocks.\nMichael: Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for...\nRyan: That's actually a test prep book.\nMichael: ...for Phone. What?\nRyan: That's a test prep for business school.\nMichael: Um, oh, thinking about business school?\nRyan: I just got in. I applied, I go at night.\nMichael: Really?\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: So you think you know a lot about business?\nRyan: No, not yet.\nMichael: Uh huh.\nRyan: Just started.\nMichael: Yeah. Quiz me.\nRyan: I... wouldn't even know where to start.\nMichael: Come on, egghead. Let's do it.\nDwight: Do it.\nMichael: Quiz me up.\nRyan: All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years?\nMichael: Uh...\nMichael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me.\nRyan: Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer?\nDwight: Keep an existing...\nMichael: [to Dwight] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? [to Ryan] Uh, it's equal.\nRyan: It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer.\nMichael: Okay. Yes! It was a trick question.\nDwight: Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks.\nMichael: Okay, Dwight.\nDwight: Self taught. You didn't even go to college.\nMichael: You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about.\nDwight: [scoffs] Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh?\nMichael: For instance, why don't you go to business...\nDwight: [to Ryan] You should learn from him, right?\nRyan: I am.\nDwight: Right?\nRyan: I am.\nMichael: Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will.\nDwight: Stupid!\nMichael: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all.\nMichael: Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be?\nRyan: It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base.\nMichael: You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me.\nJim: Pam? Get us back into it.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Five movies. Go ahead.\nPam: Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused...\nJim: Ooh, definitely in my top five.\nPam: Yes. In my top three, so suck it.\nJim: What?\nPam: Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and...\nJim: Okay that's five.\nPam: No, my all time favorite!\nJim: Pam, play by the rules.\nPam: All time favorite.\nJim: Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie.\nDwight: The Crow.\nMichael: I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think?\nRyan: Maybe we should get some air.\nMichael: Nah, I'm okay.\nRyan: I'm really uncomfortable.\nJim: All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do?\nKevin: Present company excluded?\nJim: Um, not neccessari...\nKevin: Pam.\nOscar: Pam.\nJim: Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then...\nsong: ['Everybody Hurts' by R.E.M.] Think you've had too much / in this life.\nJim: Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back.\nStanley: Okay, um...\nJim: Dwight. Dwight.\nSong: Everybody hurts,\nJim: Come on Dwight! Use words.\nSong: Sometim... .\nDwight: Why didn't I go to business school?\nJim: Who goes to business school?\nDwight: The temp.\nJim: He does?\nDwight: Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore.\nPam: You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'.\nDwight: He doesn't even know that I do that.\nPam: You should tell him.\nDwight: Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.\nPam: Dwight.\nJim: What?\nDwight: I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway.\nJim: You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them.\nDwight: Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins.\nJim: Yeah. You're right.\nDwight: Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time.\nPam: Kay.\nSong: Everybody hurts\nJim: Alright buddy.\nSong: Everybody cries\nRoy: Hey! Guys, what's going on?\nJim: Nothing.\nPam: Hey!\nSong: Everybody hurts\nRoy: What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit?\nSong: Sometimes\nRoy: The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes.\nStanley: Come on people, you know the rules of the game now.\nMichael: Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here?\nStanley: Okay. It's called Who Would You Do?\nMichael: Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy?\nRoy: Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond?\nAngela: My name is Angela.\nRoy: Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you.\nMichael: Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do?\nJim: Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling.\nMichael: Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business.\nRoy: You're all gay.\nMichael: Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo...\nRyan: [answers phone] Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing.\nMichael: Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So...\nDwight: Would that make you happy?\nMichael: What's that?\nDwight: If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy?\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: I'm on it.\nMichael: Dwight. Hey!\nAngela: You can't go in yet!\nMichael: Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen.\nKevin: What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him.\nMichael: I didn't say it to him. I said it about him.\nMeredith: ...Jim.\nPhyllis: Definitely Jim.\nKelly: Definitely, definitely, Jim.\nPhyllis: Come on, Pam.\nKelly: How about you Pam?\nPam: Um... Oscar's kind of cute.\nPhyllis: Yeah, I like Oscar.\nPam: Ooh, Toby!\nMichael: [in the background] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either.\nMeredith: Is there anybody else.\nKevin: [clears his throat]\nJim: [on the phone] Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs...\nMichael: Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find.\nRyan: What's your number?\nMichael: I gave it to you in the car.\nRyan: Um...\nMichael: I saw you program it in.\nRyan: You got to... you got to give it to me again.\nMichael: Okay. Alright.\nRyan: Now I have it.\nMichael: Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir...\nDwight: [coughing]\nMichael: Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh.\nDwight: [coughing] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing.\nMichael: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school.\nDwight: That's exactly what I said.\nMichael: Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan?\nDwight: Were you absent?\nMichael: Toaster Oven 101?\nDwight: You failed?\nRyan: I am so sorry.\nMichael: Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans.\nDwight: I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? [sings to Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire'] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!\nDwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning-\nDwight: Everybody!\nMichael: [singing] ...since the world was turning.\nRyan: I can't believe I started the fire.\nDwight and Michael: [sing gibberish to 'We Didn't Start the Fire']\nDwight: [singing] ... Marilyn Monroe!\nDwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning...\nDwight: Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it!\nKaty: Hi!\nJim: Hey.\nKaty: How are you?\nJim: Good, how are you?\nKaty: I'm good. It's good to see you.\nJim: Good to see you, too.\nKaty: I'm hungry.\nJim: Yeah, I am too.\nKaty: Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers.\nJim: What answers?\nKaty: Um, for the... the desert island.\nJim: Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. [to everyone] Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. [to Katy] Desert Island. Five movies. Go.\nKaty: Okay, um, first, Legally Blond.\nPam: I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car.\nJim: Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch?\nKaty: Okay.\nJim: Yeah?\nKaty: Alright! You want to drive?\nJim: Sure.\nKaty: Alright.\nKaty: [looking at Roy and Pam] They are soo cute.\nRyan: I'm really sorry, Dwight.\nDwight: Answer me this, though.\nRyan: What?\nDwight: Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp?\nRyan: No.\nKevin: Was it worth it?\nDwight: Really?\nRyan: I'm really sorry, Dwight.\nDwight: The fire guy! The fire guy!\nDwight: [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!\nMichael: Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer.\nMichael: Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart.\nMichael: I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.\nJim: Seventy and clear, that's nice. Where's that?\nPam: That's here.\nDwight: I'm Michael's number two. He's one, I'm two. He's Alpha, I'm Beta. He's A, I'm B. It's easy. Whatever Michael is, I'm one less.\nMichael: Rule three: Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four: Failure is not an option.\nDwight: Oh, my God. Ryan is gonna love these.\nMichael: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And at the end I will reveal, that they were all just one rule.\nDwight: That is so cool.\nMichael: Mmm-hmm.\nDwight: Plus you can go, 'Rule five, see rule six. Rule six, see rule five.'\nMichael: No, I'm not trying to trick him. I'm trying to be a good mentor. So...\nDwight: Kill or be killed.\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Shoot to kill, or kill to shoot.\nMichael: No, come on, Dwight, I have to have 10 of these by lunch, I promised Ryan.\nDwight: You could ask for an extension.\nMichael: I'm not asking the temp for an extension unless I really need it.\nDwight: I know Michael's every move. It's not something you can just pick up. I could write a book about him. Literally. I started once, but Michael made me stop.\nDwight: Hey, how's it going, man?\nRyan: Good. What's up?\nDwight: Oh, nothing much. What's up with you?\nRyan: I'm good, thanks.\nDwight: Good. Good, I'm good, too. How's it cracking?\nRyan: Uh, fine. What's up?\nDwight: You know what you would love? Guns N' Roses. When I was your age, I loved Guns N' Roses. Do you like Guns N' Roses? I'll make you a tape.\nRyan: Cool.\nDwight: I'll make you two tapes.\nRyan: I don't have a tape player. So...\nDwight: Someday, temp. I've got a couple of shirts that don't fit so well anymore. I'll bring them by. Okay, see you later.\nDwight: Michael and I have a very special connection, like an umbilical cord. And the thing is with Ryan is that I don't want him to trip on it, or get it caught around his neck.\nKevin: Sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight. [snickering] Sixty-nine. Seventy. Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three.\nPam: I like fire drills. You know what's the greatest? Like, when you were in school and the teacher would let you have class outside.\nJim: Oh, the best.\nPam: Yeah, it was great because it was like you're supposed to be working, but nothing ever gets done.\nJim: Yeah, we had outside classes all the time and we never did anything.\nPam: [chuckling]\nJim: Actually if I had fewer outside classes, I probably wouldn't be stuck here at a paper company.\nPam: You're not stuck.\nAngela: Yes, there is a real fire, but it's okay. Everyone got out fine. This is why you practice these things.\nMichael: Yes, yes, I ran out first. A captain is always the first one on the ship and the last one off the ship. And this parking lot is our ship when the building is on fire. So, I ran out onto the ship.\nJim: Okay, DVDs. Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Toby, go ahead.\nToby: Say Anything, The Shining, Annie Hall, that's too obvious.\nJim: Those are like my favorite movies. I didn't really think you could win Desert Island, but I think you just did.\nToby: Toy Story 2, one of the best movies I ever saw. I went for my daughter and stayed because you can't leave your daughter in a theater.\nJim: Toby and I used to sit together until Michael moved us because he thought we talked too much.\nPam: Really?\nJim: Yeah.\nJim: Kevin, do it.\nKevin: Uh, Cannonball Run, Cannonball Run II, [snickering] Weekend at Bernie's, Weekend at Bernie's II, and, oh, Groundhog Day.\nJim: Groundhog Day.\nStanley: I have a client who watches that movie once a week, at least.\nKevin: Really?\nStanley: I should put you in touch with him. Maybe we could get together and work on that account.\nKevin: I would love that.\nJim: Okay, guys, guys, guys. That almost sounded like business, and we are trying to focus here today, okay?\nMichael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked at Arby's and then I worked selling cutlery for a while. Cutlery that could decimate a penny, I kid you not. There were these shears that could cut straight through a penny. So I have life experience and work experience that Ryan doesn't, and will never have.\nJim: And then you go to school for three years.\nRyan: For two years, and it's only at night, and then it's on your resume forever.\nJim: Wow. And just out of curiosity, how much is it?\nRyan: $650 bucks\nJim: A semester?\nRyan: A credit.\nJim: Wow.\nRyan: It's an investment.\nJim: Oh, yeah, it sounds like it.\nRyan: I think it's worth it.\nMichael: If I could change the life of one person, just one person. I... Actually, that's shooting kind of low. I already did that when I was born. I changed two people's lives. Mom and Dad. Um, if I could change the lives of 5,000 people... 10,000. No, five. I'd be satisfied with 5,000. I... 10,000 though, that'd be something. Wow, 10,000 people. Because, you know what? Even one is amazing."}
{"text": "Michael: Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh... that's great!\nPam: Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called.\nMichael: Ohh... OK.\nMichael: I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay.\nSherri: [on phone] Jan Levinson's office.\nMichael: Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning.\nSherri: Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go.\nMichael: Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day.\nSherri: I just need the name of who you're planning to let go.\nMichael: I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back.\nSherri: I know she wanted the name.\nMichael: Okay... Sherri?\nSherri: Yeah?\nMichael: If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you?\nSherri: Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael.\nMichael: Thanks.\nSherri: Mm-Hmm.\nMichael: I'll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri.\nSherri: Hey, I'm still here.\nMichael: Okay! I'm sorry.\nSherri: Yeah.\nMichael: No?\nSherri: OK.\nMichael: Bye.\nSherri: Hanging up now.\nMichael: I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about.\nPam: [entering] You wanted me?\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: [notices Michael's costume] Papier-mache?\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: Hmm.\nMichael: Yeeesh.\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.\nPam: Why did you put it off until Halloween?\nMichael: Because it's very scary stuff.\nPam: I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little.\nMichael: You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.\nPam: So it's a man?\nMichael: No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be?\nPam: I just answer the phone.\nMichael: And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.\nPam: You're costume is fantastic! [laughs]\nMichael: I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around]\nPam: Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay...\nMichael: Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody.\nDwight: [eyeing Jim's costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be?\nJim: I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch.\nPhyllis: That's great!\nJim: Oh, yeah.\nDwight: Yeah, well look... [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me?\nPhyllis: What are you? A monk?\nDwight: I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.\nPhyllis: Ass.\nMichael: Hey.\nOscar: Michael.\nMichael: You guys excited about the party?\nAngela: Yeah.\nMichael: It's gonna be fun.\nKevin: Yeah.\nAngela: Yes.\nMichael: [looks to Oscar] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.\nOscar: What are you implying?\nMichael: All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?\nAngela: You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night.\nMichael: Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good?\nAngela: Yeah.\nMichael: Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.\nAngela: But we don't keep two sets of books.\nMichael: Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it.\nMichael: Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats.\nKelly: Why is that?\nMichael: Bend It Like Beckham.'\nKelly: Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?\nMichael: [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect.\nKelly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything.\nMichael: Well, I don't really have two heads. So...\nDwight: Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! [punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing]\nPam: Okay, greatest strength.\nJim: Okay, okay...\nPam: A dog-like obedience to authority\nJim: Nice.\nPam: But that doesn't sound good.\nJim: Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types]\nJim: Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India.\nPam: He's a gun nut.\nJim: Um. He sticks to his guns.\nAngela: Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department...\nOscar: Yes?\nAngela: ... that has three people...\nOscar: Yeah?\nAngela: ... doing the work that could be done by two.\nOscar: This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh.\nKevin: Yeah. Oh.\nMichael: Who do you think it should be?\nDwight: Jim. Definitely.\nMichael: No, Jim brings in money.\nDwight: Phyllis.\nMichael: Eh.\nDwight: Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela.\nMichael: It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.\nDwight: One of the warehouse guys.\nMichael: [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?\nDwight: Who is he saying?\nMichael: You're right, I didn't even think of him.\nDwight: No, Michael.\nMichael: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.\nDwight: No, not me.\nMichael: Yeah... I could.\nDwight: Not Dwight.\nMichael: I'm not saying that's what he said.\nDwight: I know that's what he said.\nMichael: [listening to his head] What?\nDwight: Tell him, not Dwight.\nMichael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.\nDwight: Tell him to stop.\nMichael: Are you kidding?\nDwight: Quiet, you.\nMichael: I agree. He'd land on his feet.\nDwight: Make him be quiet.\nAngela: Those aren't chips and dip.\nPam: No, I made brownies.\nAngela: Uh!\nPam: ... What?\nAngela: I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.\nPam: I made brownies.\nAngela: And I made cookies. Same category.\nPam: I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.\nPam: [on phone] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. [listens] Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention] Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.\nJim: Um... Whoa. [picks up ringing phone][in managerial voice] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay.\nDwight: Stanley, could you come with me, please.\nStanley: No.\nDwight: As Assistant Regional Manager...\nStanley: To the.\nDwight: Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry.\nStanley: [laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.\nMichael: So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?\nDwight: He wouldn't listen to me\nMichael: Ahh, come on.\nDwight: If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.\nMichael: I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... [waves Dwight away]\nDwight: [whispering on the phone] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?\nDwight: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.\nOscar: Oh... hey.\nRyan: Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just...\nOscar: Oh. [fixes his dress]\nDwight: [on the phone] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... [stops and hangs up phone.]\nPam: Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real.\nPam: Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job.\nJim: Um... it's in Maryland.\nPam: Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge.\nJim: Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. [starts walking away]\nPam: Jim...\nDwight: This is called leveraging an offer. [walks into Michael's office] Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?\nMichael: Oh, God.\nDwight: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.\nMichael: Fantastic!\nDwight: And I turned it down.\nMichael: What?! That would've solved all my problems.\nDwight: Out of loyalty to this company...\nMichael: Oh, you idiot.\nDwight: ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.\nMichael: If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.\nDwight: But then you wouldn't have me here.\nMichael: Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?\nDwight: It's in Maryland.\nMichael: You can call. Can you call 'em?\nDwight: I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.\nMichael: Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.\nJim: Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.\nMichael: [clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head] Can I speak to you a minute?\nJim: Um... yes.\nJim: Michael, I really didn't mean to...\nMichael: Help. Me.\nJim: I'm sorry?\nMichael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.\nJim: Oh, you want me to be you?\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.\nJim: Oh, are you firing Creed?\nMichael: No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head.\nJim: We should switch seats in order to...\nMichael: Yes, that's a good idea.\nJim: Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal...\nMichael: Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!\nJim: Wow.\nMichael: I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!\nJim: That's an overreaction.\nMichael: Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month.\nJim: Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you...\nMichael: I... this is Creed.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings]\nJim: Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought.\nMichael: And I'm very angry, and I want...\nJim: [picks up the phone] Michael Scott here.\nMichael: I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me.\nJim: Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth...\nMichael: Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just... yeah.\nPam: What happened?\nJim: It wasn't me.\nPam: Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was...\nJim: Yeah, I know.\nMichael: Uh, hey... Creed?\nCreed: Huh?\nMichael: Could I talk to you for a second?\nMichael: You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop.\nCreed: What are you telling me?\nMichael: I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better.\nCreed: No, I don't. I wanna stay right here.\nMichael: No, you wanna leave.\nCreed: No, I wanna stay here.\nMichael: Why... why are you making this so hard?\nCreed: Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael.\nMichael: I think you're right.\nCreed: Can I go?\nMichael: No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye.\nCreed: Let's fight it.\nMichael: Hmm?\nCreed: Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.\nMichael: What old days? What are you talking about?\nCreed: Did you start the paperwork yet?\nMichael: It's right here on the desk, yeah.\nCreed: You don't have to do this, Michael.\nMichael: I can't, I can't...\nCreed: Undo it!\nMichael: I can't change anything. This is the way...\nCreed: No, you have the power to undo it.\nMichael: I don't... okay, just listen.\nCreed: Michael, undo it!\nMichael: Don't...\nMichael: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?\nMichael: I have to fire someone today, okay?\nCreed: Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.\nMichael: Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.\nCreed: No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man.\nMichael: Don't...\nCreed: Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good.\nMichael: Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?\nDevon: Creed's an idiot, you know that.\nMichael: Well, he...\nDevon: No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time.\nMichael: Well, maybe I did.\nDevon: Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man.\nMichael: Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.\nDevon: That's why I'm being fired?\nMichael: No.\nDevon: So you might not look like an idiot?\nMichael: No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and...\nDevon: This is unbelievable!\nMichael: I just hope that you and I can remain friends.\nMichael: Devon, wait, please.\nDevon: What!\nMichael: Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings.\nDevon: [takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell!\nAngela: [watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party?\nPam: Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.\nJim: [motions for her to follow him] Come on.\nJim: That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.\nMichael: I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.\nChildren: [ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo] Trick or treat!\nMichael: He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great.\nKid: I'm a bumble bee.\nMichael: You look great! And you're a princess?\nKid: A fairy princess.\nMichael: A fairy princess. You're very... .\nKid: I'm a lion.\nMichael: You're a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.\nMichael: Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis?\nPhyllis: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: Of course. You're always working hard.\nPhyllis: Thanks.\nMichael: Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do.\nStanley: Something wrong, Michael?\nMichael: No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people.\nToby: Hey, Jim.\nJim: What's up, Hef?\nToby: Michael?\nMichael: What? What?\nToby: Michael, do you have the name of the employee you're letting go? I'd like to start working on out-placement.\nMichael: Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief.\nToby: I don't report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York.\nMichael: You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign?\nToby: They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative.\nMichael: Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have.\nToby: I know, Michael.\nMichael: I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please?\nVance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office.\nMichael: You know what? That's my foot.\nVance Refrigeration Worker #2: Ass, ass, ass...\nMichael: You guys...\nVance Refrigeration Worker #2: ...ass, ass, ass, ass, ass...\nVance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hi, Mom!\nMichael: I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct?\nHank the Security Guard: Who is it?\nMichael: I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building?\nHank the Security Guard: Building.\nMichael: Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready.\nHank the Security Guard: You're on your own.\nMichael: All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's a fast elevator.\nMichael: I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah?\nStanley: Yeah, We're not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision.\nMichael: Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him]\nToby: Michael, it's almost 5:00.\nMichael: Leave me alone, okay?\nMichael: Do you want some coffee?\nCreed: No, no. I had some, thanks.\nMichael: [slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed?\nCreed: Fifteen years, I think.\nMichael: Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement.\nCreed: Oh, no. I need the money.\nMichael: Why?\nCreed: What do you mean, 'Why?'\nMichael: It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment.\nCreed: I don't know. I got nephews.\nMichael: Yeah.\nCreed: Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this?\nMichael: Just trying to be your friend.\nCreed: Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all.\nMichael: Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do.\nCreed: Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about?\nMichael: Are you pulling my leg or...\nCreed: No.\nMichael: You have no clue why I've asked you in here?\nCreed: I do not.\nMichael: Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal.\nMichael: Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask?\nJan: [on the phone] This is Jan.\nMichael: His name was Devon.\nJan: Excuse me?\nMichael: The human being man's name was Devon.\nJan: Devon. The... Oh, is this the man that you...\nMichael: [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes.\nJan: The person that you fired, Michael?\nMichael: Yes, it is.\nJan: Is that what you're... Okay. Oh, you sound a little... A little upset.\nMichael: Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined.\nJan: Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know... I know how hard that was.\nMichael: Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me.\nJan: Well, I'm glad you did it, Michael.\nMichael: [talking over Jan] You're glad?\nJan: And so, good job. Good job.\nMichael: Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good?\nJan: Yeah. Good job.\nMichael: [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back.\nJan: [talking over Michael] Yup. Yes.\nMichael: There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great.\nDwight: You're supposed to be a cat?\nAngela: Yes.\nCreed: You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael's really incredible at making decisions.\nMichael: [camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah.\nDwight: Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow.\nMichael: You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved.\nDwight: I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do."}
{"text": "Dwight: Where is my desk?\nJim: That is weird.\nDwight: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.\nJim: Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk.\nDwight: I didn't lose my desk.\nJim: Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?\nDwight: Okay, who moved my desk?\nJim: I think you should retrace your steps.\nDwight: Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!\nJim: Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot.\nDwight: [In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute.\nJim: [On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model.\nDwight: Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times.\nJim: I know.\nDwight: It's by the ream?\nJim: Uh, yeah, ream.\nDwight: ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.\nJim: Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work.\nDwight: Wash your hands, Kevin.\nJim: [On the phone] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second...\nDwight: [Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it's Sempai...\nJim: Umm...\nDwight: Dwight...\nJim: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks.\nDwight: Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.\nJim: Was that your mom?\nDwight: No, that was my Sensei.\nJim: Oh, I thought it was your mom.\nDwight: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.\nJim: Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.\nDwight: Assistant Sensei.\nJim: Ok.\nDwight: I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.\nStanley: I don't want to stay until seven again this year.\nPam: I don't really have any control over that Stanley.\nPam: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm.\nMichael: [singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.\nRyan: Did you ask me here for any specific reason?\nMichael: Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.\nRyan: Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office]\nMichael: [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.\nPam: Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign.\nMichael: Yes, thank you. I know where to sign.\nPam: It's just last year you...\nMichael: Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam?\nPam: Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier.\nMichael: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.\nRyan: Updating emergency contacts.\nPam: Well, is that really a priority?\nMichael: Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. 'Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority.' Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.\nRyan: Catch-22.\nMichael: Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell?\nJim: Uh, Larissa Halpert.\nRyan: What's her address? [Ryan's cell phone rings]\nJim: 117 Mount Bergin St.\nRyan: Hello?\nMichael: [in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.\nRyan: Do you mean Neverland?\nMichael: This is Tito.\nRyan: What?\nMichael: Calling from... [Ryan hangs up]\nPam: [Reading Jim's palm] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks.\nJim: You making this up as you go along, aren't you?\nPam: I am just following the website.\nJim: Well, at least I don't have cavities.\nPam: Yes, you have very nice teeth.\nJim: Thanks.\nRyan: Who is your emergency contact? [Ryan's phone rings]\nKevin: Stacy.\nRyan: [looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up]\nMichael: [Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up.\nRyan: Hello?\nMichael: [in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson.\nJim: Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist?\nDwight: Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me.\nJim: No I'm not.\nDwight: Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.\nJim: Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. [reveals Dwight's purple belt]\nDwight: Ok, give that back to me.\nJim: Ok, say please.\nDwight: No. That is not a toy.\nJim: Please?\nDwight: Please?\nJim: Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou.\nDwight: Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.\nMichael: And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man.\nPam: Could you practice on the forms?\nDwight: No women or children, unless provoked.\nJim: Ok, Roy?\nDwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.\nJim: Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?\nMichael: Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen.\nDwight: Because we're friends.\nMichael: Because I would kick his ass.\nJim: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so...\nMichael: So? I've beaten up black belts.\nJim: Uh, how did you know they were black belts?\nMichael: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out.\nRyan: Is your wife still your contact?\nToby: Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now.\nRyan: Kay.\nToby: You don't need to write 'ex'.\nMichael: And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again.\nJim: Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, [starts snapping] you're a Jet all the way, right?\nMichael: You were a Jet?\nAngela: Have you signed the expense reports yet?\nMichael: Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link.\nDwight: Argggg!\nMichael: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up.\nMichael: Just hit me. You'll see.\nJim: I can't. I just got a manicure.\nMichael: Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.\nJim: Just have Dwight punch you.\nMichael: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.\nJim: You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?\nDwight: What belt are they?\nMichael: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'...\nDwight: No!\nMichael: ... he cried at the end of it. He did.\nDwight: Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.\nMichael: Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?\nDwight: Ok, I'll punch you.\nMichael: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.\nDwight: Kiyah!\nMichael: Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!\nDwight: Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.\nJim: Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright?\nMichael: Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you.\nDwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.\nJim: Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.\nPam: I don't know.\nJim: Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips.\nPam: French Onion?\nJim: Obviously.\nPam: Ok.\nJim: Yes.\nDwight: [to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it.\nMichael: [Pam knocks on his door] Go away.\nPam: I just have a quick question.\nMichael: I haven't signed them, ok?\nPam: No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?\nMichael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.\nPam: He's a purple belt. That's really high.\nMichael: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him.\nPam: It's just out there, you...\nMichael: Oh, so that's what they are saying?\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: Ok, alright, where is Dwight?\nJim: Uh, Kitchen.\nMichael: Ok.\nKelly: Hi-yah!\nDwight: Good.\nKelly: Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight.\nDwight: Now watch, let me take you from behind.\nKelly: What?\nMichael: Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.\nDwight: I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.\nMichael: No, Really?\nDwight: In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai.\nMichael: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.\nDwight: Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!\nMichael: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.\nDwight: No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.\nMichael: Really?\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now.\nJim: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo?\nMichael: No, they must have class.\nDwight: No, it's free during the day. It's fine.\nMichael: Look...\nDwight: I've got the key.\nToby: Michael...\nMichael: Hey, Toby.\nToby: Any word on those time cards?\nMichael: I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools.\nJim: Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight...\nMichael: I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.\nIra: Uh, no, it's not.\nMichael: I think it is. A guy told me about that.\nIra: Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.\nMichael: Oh.\nJim: [Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves] Wow, that is really interesting.\nPam: What?\nJim: Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything.\nPam: Well, look closer.\nJim: [Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok.\nPam: Once point for me.\nJim: [Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up.\nPam: Oh, you're dead.\nJim: What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now.\nPam: Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey...\nIra: Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?\nDwight: Yes, Sensei!\nMichael: Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.\nIra: Shi mate!\nDwight: Hiii! [kicks Michael]\nMichael: Hey!\nIra: Alright, break.\nMichael: What the hell was that?\nDwight: Yes!\nIra: Dwight - awarded a point.\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Eat it!\nMichael: Alright, that's the way you want it.\nDwight: Two more.\nMichael: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man.\nKevin: Sweep the leg.\nMichael: I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.\nDwight: No.\nMichael: I got his pants.\nDwight: It was my pants.\nIra: No points for pants.\nMichael: Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight]\nIra: Clean single kick, gentlemen.\nMichael: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.\nIra: Ok, break. Break.\nDwight: No holding.\nMichael: You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie]\nDwight: No, stop it! Come on! Michael.\nMichael: Open your mouth.\nDwight: No, Michael!\nMichael: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? 'Raging Bull.' Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag.\nRyan's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First New Message. [Michael's voice] 'Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.' Next new message. 'Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!'\nMichael: My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?\nRyan: Fudge?\nMichael: [knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?\nDwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.\nRyan: Ok, to what?\nDwight: Just put 'The Hospital.' Contact number: just put 9-1-1. [Dwight leaves]\nMichael: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man.\nKevin: Later Jim.\nJim: Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk] Have a good weekend.\nPam: Yeah, you too.\nMichael: [Knock at the door] Yeah.\nRyan: I have the emergency contacts.\nMichael: Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?\nRyan: Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably.\nMichael: If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout.\nRyan: Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday.\nMichael: Alright, bye.\nMichael: Dwight?\nAngela: Michael, did you finish yet?\nMichael: This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?\nDwight: I'm busy.\nMichael: Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time.\nStanley: Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday.\nToby: We want to go home.\nMichael: Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby.\nPam: The shipping place closes in a half hour.\nMichael: I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight.\nAngela: This is illegal.\nStanley: I don't care.\nMichael: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?\nDwight: Of course.\nMichael: And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.\nDwight: Michael, I don't know...\nMichael: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.\nDwight: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.\nMichael: No, no, title change only.\nDwight: I'll have Pam send out a memo.\nMichael: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now.\nDwight: Just a formality.\nMichael: Absolutely but not really.\nDwight: Michael, I have so much to learn from you.\nMichael: Yes you do.\nDwight: Thank you, Sensei.\nMichael: And, ditto.\nMichael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.\nMaster: [Dwight grunts] Great. Excellent. [Dwight yells] All right. That's okay.\nDwight: [Dwight's pager goes off] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second.\nMaster: Dwight, you can't use your pager in here, I told you.\nDwight: Okay, I just...\nMaster: Dwight...\nDwight: It's a sales call.\nMaster: Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups!\nDwight: I can... Yes, sensei.\nDwight: Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people.\nJim: What about Oscar? Could you beat Oscar?\nDwight: No problem.\nJim: I don't know. He looks pretty scrappy.\nDwight: Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight.\nJim: True. Meredith.\nDwight: No women or children. Unless provoked.\nJim: Okay. Roy.\nDwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.\nJim: Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael?\nMichael: Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.\nStanley: Excuse me?\nMichael: I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die.\nDwight: You just said it. You just said it.\nMichael: No, that's not how I meant it.\nDwight: Die. You just... You said it.\nMichael: Shut up, Dwight.\nAngela: Do you think he's signed them yet?\nOscar: Signed what?\nAngela: Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl?\nOscar: Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl.\nKevin: Don't look at me. [smiles at camera]\nAngela: I don't know why I write my name on things.\nKelly: Are you going to happy hour later?\nMeredith: I'm still recovering from last night. But maybe.\nMaster: Sir, your shoes.\nMichael: Yes.\nMaster: You're gonna have to take them off. It's a sign of respect.\nMichael: Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming]\nMaster: Here's your gear. Please put this on.\nMichael: Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black?\nMaster: Okay. Gentlemen. [to Michael] You ready? [to both Michael and Dwight] Okay, listen up.\nAlyssa: Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight.\nMaster: [to camera] That's Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals.\nDwight: Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does.\nMichael: God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting]\nMichael: Stan the man.\nStanley: Hi, Michael.\nMichael: Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually.\nStanley: No. Are those purchase orders signed?\nMichael: I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him.\nStanley: Huh? What?\nMichael: I went medieval on his heinie.\nStanley: Are those purchase orders signed?\nMichael: Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He...\nStanley: Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don't get these purchase orders...\nMichael: Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay.\nDwight: For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive.\nMichael: [door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one.\nPam: This is what you had Ryan do.\nMichael: Yes, under my tutelage.\nPam: Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today?\nMichael: If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now."}
{"text": "Ryan: [entering office] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie.\nJim: No. They're in the conference room.\nRyan: Good.\nPam: Wait, are those Michael's Levis?\nRyan: Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans?\nPam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.\nPam: [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk]\nJan: This is a projection of the county's needs...\nMichael: Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.\nJan: Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals...\nJim: So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years.\nJan: So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um-\nMichael: I changed it. To Chili's.\nJan: Excuse me?\nMichael: Radisson just gives out this vibe, 'Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson'. It's kind of snooty. So.\nJan: You had no right to do that, Michael.\nMichael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.\nJan: It said that.\nMichael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.\nJan: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.\nMichael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip.\nJan: What?\nOscar: She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out.\nJim: No...\nOscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.\nToby: That is unbelievable.\nPam: What is going on?\nJim: We are doing worst first dates.\nPam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.\nOscar: Ok, that's a joke.\nPam: No, they had to come back for me.\nJim: Wait, when was this?\nPam: Umm... it was not that long ago.\nKelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs]\nJim: I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting.\nMichael: Ok, let's do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck.\nDwight: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.\nJan: Thank you.\nMichael: [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now.\nJan: Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour.\nMichael: Well...\nJan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?\nMichael: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios!\nJan: So which way is Chili's?\nMichael: Uh, I'll drive.\nJan: Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there.\nMichael: It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?\nJan: I know Scranton.\nMichael: At all!\nJan: Alright.\nMichael: You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-\nJan: If it's a couple blocks away-\nMichael: Dar de dar.\nJan: Ok.\nMichael: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.\nMichael: We should come up with a signal of some sort.\nJan: Why would we need a signal?\nMichael: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-\nJan: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?\nMichael: Well, I... it could be either of us.\nJan: You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.\nMichael: Yeees.\nMichael: Hello? Christian?\nChristian: Yes.\nMichael: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.\nJan: Just Jan Levinson.\nMichael: No Gould?\nJan: No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?\nChristian: No, not long.\nMichael: Uh, Jan, what happened?\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: Is Gould dead? What uh-\nJan: Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I'm so sorry. Excuse me.\nMichael: Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about?\nJan: Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please?\nMichael: When did this happen?\nJan: We're in a meeting.\nMichael: Ok.\nHostess: This way, please.\nJan: Christian.\nMichael: Alright, after you.\nChristian: Thank you.\nMichael: [mouths 'Wow' to the camera]\nJan: I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.\nChristian: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction-\nMichael: Awesome blossom.\nJan: What?\nMichael: [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?\nChristian: Sure.\nMichael: Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done.\nJan: So-\nMichael: I heard a-\nJan: If you have a-\nMichael: Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?\nJan: Christian, you don't have to listen to this.\nChristian: It's ok, I like jokes.\nMichael: Ok.\nJan: Just the one.\nMichael: Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo.\nPam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.\nMichael: Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.\nPam: [to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read 'em?\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-\nMichael: No.\nPam: When-\nMichael: Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.\nPam: Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship-\nMichael: Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?\nPam: Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.\nJim: Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk]\nPam: It is a screenplay. Starring himself.\nJim: Agent Michael Scarn.\nPam: Of the FBI.\nJim: How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings.\nPam: What is that?\nJim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.\nMichael: First guy says 'Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn'. And the second guy says, 'Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort'. And the third guy says 'I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe'.\nChristian: Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!\nJan: [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?\nJim: Do we all have our copy of 'Threat Level: Midnight', by Michael Scott?\nEveryone: Yeah, yeah.\nJim: Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones.\nPhyllis: That's the character's name?\nJim: Oh yeah-\nDwight: Ok, you guys should not be doing this.\nJim: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.\nDwight: You took something that doesn't belong to you.\nJim: Dwight-\nDwight: Brought it in here-\nJim: Do you want to play-\nDwight: Made copies of it-\nJim: The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?\nMichael: [making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That's delicious! I love it!\nJan: We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match.\nChristian: Well, we are out to save money.\nJan: What's the bottom line?\nMichael: Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.\nMichael: That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault.\nMichael: Did somebody say 'baby back ribs'? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?\nJan: I don't think Christian has time for that.\nChristian: I have time.\nMichael: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs]\nMichael and Christian: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-\nMichael: [singing] Chili's baby back ribs...\nJim: [reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters.\nPhyllis: Sir, you have some messages.\nDwight: Not now!\nPhyllis: They're important.\nDwight: Ok, what are they?\nPhyllis: First message is: 'I love you'. That's from me.\nDwight: Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!\nDwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of 'Oklahoma' in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.\nDwight: If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang.\nRyan: Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.\nDwight: Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy]\nPam: Hey, uh, I have to work late.\nRoy: [looks around conference room] You're joking right?\nJim: Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-\nDwight: Pow! Pow! Pow!\nRyan: Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.\nKevin: Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. [Smiles] Heh.\nJim: A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?\nOscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?\nDwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.\nRyan: I forget it, brutha.\nDwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who's Dwigt?\nPam: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops.\nDwight: D-W-I-G-H-T.\nDwight: Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end.\nJim: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-\nDwight: Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.\nJim: That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Yeah?\nChristian: So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her.\nMichael: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.\nJan: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.\nMichael: Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing.\nChristian: It's not fair.\nMichael: She's not playing the game.\nJan: We'd been fighting for a while-\nMichael: Check please.\nJan: He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.\nChristian: You didn't.\nJan: I was stupid.\nMichael and Christian: No.\nMichael: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?\nChristian: That's right.\nMichael: You know?\nChristian: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.\nMichael: It's true.\nChristian: You said 'World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!'\nJim: I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer.\nJim: [Pam lights a candle] Wow.\nPam: For the bugs.\nJim: Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.\nPam: Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner.\nChristian: Right down the street?\nMichael: Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.\nChristian: I know.\nMichael: It's bad.\nChristian: It's terrible.\nMichael: It, you know what, it really is.\nJan: Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh]\nChristian: I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts.\nMichael: Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?\nJim: So, I guess I'll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours.\nPam: What are you going to do with your time off?\nJim: Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself.\nPam: [points to Jim's iPod] You have new music?\nJim: Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely.\nMichael: [waving to Christian] See ya.\nJan: Bye... thanks. [pumps fist] Yes!\nMichael: We did it!\nJan: We got it!\nMichael: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.\nJan: I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go.\nMichael: What!?\nJan: Let's go.\nMichael: Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok.\nDwight: [waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael's office] Michael? [looks out Michael's window] His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who's this? Jan?\nMichael: Morning, Pam. Hey.\nMichael: No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So.\nMichael: Hello, Dwight.\nDwight: Did you do her?\nMichael: Who.\nDwight: Jan Levinson-Gould.\nMichael: Uh, no, no, no Gould.\nDwight: Did you do her?\nMichael: This is none of your affair because she is your boss-\nDwight: And she is your boss.\nMichael: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all?\nJim: Jan didn't come back for her car last night.\nPam: What!?\nJim: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?\nPam: Oh, I don't know... [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan's cell.\nJim: No way.\nPam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.\nMichael: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, [phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. [to camera] Would you excuse me? [to Jan] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. [goes under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk [to camera which is now under desk] Excuse me? Excuse me?! [to Jan] I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something!\nJim: Some might even say that we had our first date last night.\nPam: Oh, really?\nJim: Really.\nPam: Why might some say that?\nJim: Cause there was dinner, by candlelight.\nPam: Uh hmm.\nJim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.\nPam: We didn't dance.\nJim: You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic.\nPam: Swaying isn't dancing.\nJim: Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.\nPam: I have some faxes to get out.\nJim: Oh, come on, Pam. I-\nJim: Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?\nMichael: Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly?\nPam: Hmm...\nMichael: Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet. It's, it's kind of unique. It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It's perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea.\nKevin: Most of that is good.\nMichael: [throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs?\nJan: I'm almost there, so we should have plenty of time to go over the presentation.\nMichael: Uh huh.\nJan: And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I've also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m.\nMichael: Conflict!\nJan: What?\nMichael: I have a conflict with that.\nJan: What do you mean?\nMichael: Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies.\nJan: Michael. I need you to take this seriously.\nMichael: I can't get out of it!\nJan: Michael-\nMichael: Ok, alright.\nJan: Are you hearing me?\nMichael: I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed.\nJan: This is a very important-\nMichael: Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once.\nJan: [sighs] I'll see you in ten minutes.\nMichael: 42897. Ok.\nMichael: What is a closer? A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done. And that is me. A B C, always be closing. Glen Garry, Glen Ross. 'Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads.' 'No way, they're just for closers.' 'Do you know who you're talking to?' 'I'm Michael Scott.' 'Really? Well, take any lead you want.' 'No thanks, I don't need 'em.' Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer. [sighs] So suck on that.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Hi.\nJim: What are you doing?\nPam: I don't know, I think I was just staring at my desk.\nJim: Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go.\nPam: Yeah, do you mind leaving?\nJim: No, not at all.\nPam: It's very important.\nJim: Uh hmm.\nPam: Thank you.\nJim: Sure.\nPhyllis: Do you think they'll get the account. [Stanley stares at her] How come you never answer me?\nStanley: I'm sorry, Phyllis. No, I don't think they'll get the account.\nJim: [reading screenplay] Bullets are flying everywhere. Ooo, wait, last page, big finish. Here we go. Agent Michael Scarn kicks open the plane door with a karate chop.\nDwight: A kick and a chop are two totally different things.\nJim: Well, it's just a movie, Dwigt.\nDwight: It doesn't make any sense.\nOscar: Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense.\nRyan: Don't jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes!\nJim: Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head.\nPam: Oh! So close to retirement.\nJim: Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute.\nRyan: Is that it?\nJim: Yup, I guess so.\nPhyllis: Does he die?\nPam: I sincerely doubt it.\nAngela: I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie.\nJim: What was my worst first date? Umm. It was a couple of years ago. It was a lunch date, actually, it was right down here, at Cugino's. And we had just met, and we really hit it off, it was, it was kinda nice. Umm, huh. And, uh, then, as it turned out, it wasn't even a date, because she was actually in love with someone else. So, best first date is also my worst first date. Oddly enough."}
{"text": "Dwight: [bouncing on an exercise ball] You should get one of these.\nJim: No. Thank you.\nDwight: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.\nJim: Done.\nDwight: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [knocks things around Jim's desk] Sorry.\nJim: S'ok.\nDwight: Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.\nJim: You're not having sex.\nDwight: Plus, improves your reflexes [knocks over more stuff] see, I would have caught that.\nJim: Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that?\nDwight: It's only twenty-five bucks.\nJim: Wow. Um, ok. [pops Dwight's orb with scissors]\nMichael: Pam, could I see you in my office?\nPam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.\nMichael: Pam, you're trustworthy-\nPam: Thank you.\nMichael: And a woman-\nPam: Oh, no.\nMichael: And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] 'Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon.' First impressions?\nPam: Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon.\nMichael: My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.\nMichael: [playing Jan's message] 'I guess I missed you.' I guess I missed you. So, she misses me?\nPam: She missed you.\nMichael: But then she goes on to say 'that will be our only topic of discussion'. That doesn't mean anything, those are just words.\nPam: I have one idea of what it means.\nMichael: Ok. Yeah, what, what?\nPam: Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this.\nMichael: Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review-\nPam: Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you.\nMichael: Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?\nPam: Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward.\nMichael: Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. [plays Jan's message] 'Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you'.\nDwight: Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review.\nJim: Ok.\nDwight: Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.\nJim: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.\nDwight: Oh, yes, we do.\nJim: No, we don't.\nDwight: Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise.\nJim: Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.\nDwight: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?\nJim: I win.\nDwight: Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid.\nJim: Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?\nDwight: Uh, duh.\nJim: Duh.\nJim: Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.\nStanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.\nMichael: Really?\nStanley: Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.\nMichael: God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry.\nStanley: Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.\nMichael: No kidding.\nStanley: It's all about my bonus.\nPam: Michael and Jan definitely made out.\nJim: Ohh...\nPam: Maybe more.\nJim: Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'.\nPam: Oh, yea!\nMichael: Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn.\nAngela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.\nPam: Michael?\nMichael: Yeah?\nPam: Jan's on the phone for you.\nMichael: Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.\nMichael: Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah?\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?\nJan: I am returning your many calls.\nMichael: Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's.\nJan: No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch.\nMichael: Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's.\nJan: Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael.\nMichael: Oh.\nJan: I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.\nMichael: Been thinking about you.\nJan: Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior.\nMichael: Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just-\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: Yep.\nJan: Are the cameras with you...\nMichael: No.\nJan: ...in your office?\nMichael: They are not. Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up] That's my girlfriend.\nKevin: I heard they made out and had sex.\nOscar: No, they just made out. That's it.\nKevin: Well, I heard they made out\nAngela: Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved.\nKevin: Romances?\nMichael: Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A 'Michael-idea' folder?\nPam: Sorry.\nMichael: That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there.\nPam: What suggestion box?\nMichael: The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes?\nPam: Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started.\nMichael: Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p.\nRyan: Don't you mean constructive criticism?\nMichael: What did I say?\nKelly: You said 'constructive complements'; that doesn't make any sense.\nMichael: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K?\nJim: [on phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a...\nDwight: Saturday.\nJim: [pumps fist] ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon.\nJan: [on phone] We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. [to Pam] Could you please tell Michael that I'm here?\nPam: Sure.\nMichael: Hi, Jan. How are you?\nJan: I'm good; how are you?\nMichael: Good to see you.\nJan: Nice to see you.\nMichael: Ok. [tries to kiss Jan's hand] Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here.\nJan: Can we please go in your office?\nMichael: Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls.\nKevin: Oooo.\nMichael: Alright [takes Jan's coat].\nJan: Thank you.\nMichael: It's nice to see you.\nJan: Nice to see you too, Michael.\nMichael: Really?\nJan: Not like that.\nMichael: Oh, well.\nJan: You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business.\nMichael: Alright.\nJan: Period.\nMichael: Yep.\nJan: Do we understand each other.\nMichael: Absolutely.\nMichael: I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because 'Oh, I regret that.' But, 'Wait, I'm still gonna call you.' But, but, 'We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job.' But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business.\nJan: So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?\nMichael: No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. [cold Jan stare] We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question?\nJan: No.\nMichael: This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise.\nJan: Fine.\nMichael: Are you wearing a new perfume today?\nJan: How is that a business question?\nMichael: Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy.\nJan: Please don't smell me, Michael.\nPam: Hey, Jim.\nJim: Hey, how's it goin'?\nPam: Oh my God, did you see 'The Apprentice' last night?\nJim: Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?\nPam: Can you believe who Trump fired?\nJim: No, that was unbelievable.\nDwight: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?\nPam: You didn't see it?\nDwight: No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking?\nMichael: I don't understand- [phone rings] Hold on. Sorry. [answers] Yes, Pam.\nPam: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.\nMichael: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.\nPam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.\nMichael: I did not, not, not use those words.\nJan: Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting [to Pam] is it happening right now?\nMichael: No, it's in like ten minutes.\nPam: Everyone's waiting in the conference room.\nJan: Great. Very good.\nMichael: Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: 'What should we do to prepare for Y2K?'\nDwight: What should we do to prepare for Y2K?\nKelly: I thought you read these every week.\nMichael: Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. [to Jan] That happens occasionally.\nDwight: It happens occasionally.\nMichael: And, um, one down. Next suggestion: 'we need better outreach for employees fighting depression'. Ok, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression.\nJan: That sounds serious, Michael.\nMichael: Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it?\nDwight: Tom?\nMichael: Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom.\nPhyllis: Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. [blank stares] Tom? [acts like she's shooting herself in the head] Pow.\nMichael: Oh, that guy? That guy was weird. Alright, next suggestion.\nDwight: Next suggestion.\nMichael: Arrr, dooby dooby do. 'You need to do something about your B.O.'\nDwight: You need to do something about your B.O.\nMichael: Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion. Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.\nToby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?\nMichael: Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words.\nCreed: Uh, Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.\nMichael: Was I, Creed?! Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of. Ok? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. 'You need to do something about your coffee breath'-\nDwight: You need-\nMichael: Ok.\nDwight: To do something about-\nMichael: Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box.\nAngela: Sometimes you talk to us real close.\nMichael: Yeah, is that hard for you? Alright, well-\nAngela: Well, when you have coffee breath-\nMichael: I'll work on that-\nAngela: It's hard.\nMichael: Let's keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum. I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow.\nDwight: Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?\nMichael: Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion.\nDwight: Next suggestion.\nMichael: Don't sl-', ok, that's blank [Dwight picks up note] Don't, just put it-\nDwight: Don't sleep with your boss'? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?\nJan: I can't, I can't-\nMichael: I don't understand why you're so upset.\nJan: Please sit down.\nMichael: Let me ask you-\nJan: You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there.\nMichael: Ok, let me ask you this.\nJan: Please, sit yourself down.\nMichael: Let me ask you something.\nJan: What, Michael.\nMichael: Where did you get your outfit?\nDwight: [loud metal music playing in a stairwell; Dwight pacing] You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! [plays air guitar] Yes! [kicks] Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome!\nMichael: I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.\nJan: Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same\nMichael: Look-\nDwight: Michael?\nMichael: Oh my God...\nDwight: I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out?\nJan: No, Dwight; come in.\nDwight: Great.\nMichael: What do you want Dwight?\nDwight: I am ready for my performance review.\nMichael: Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye.\nJan: Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael?\nMichael: You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave.\nDwight: Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise?\nMichael: Why on earth would we give you a raise?\nDwight: That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. [points to graphs] I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. [Michael sighs] Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.\nMichael: You do? How do you get in?\nDwight: I have a copy of your key.\nJan: That's a serious offense!\nMichael: That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart.\nJan: Oh! Michael, for God sakes!\nDwight: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.\nMichael: Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that?\nDwight: For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.\nMichael: That was deer!? Gross, oh!\nDwight: You liked it!\nMichael: Oh, did not!\nDwight: Jan, have you ever had deer?\nJan: No.\nDwight: It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise.\nMichael: What do you say, Jan?\nJan: Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes.\nMichael: Ok. You just, uh, clear your head.\nJan: [Dwight opens door] Thank you, Dwight.\nJan: Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her purse] Do you have a light?\nDwight: And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said 'Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of'.\nMichael: That's from Superman?\nDwight: Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise.\nPam: Do you think Michael and Jan actually...\nJim: I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam.\nPam: How do you come back from that?\nJim: Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together.\nPam: No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that?\nJim: Oh-\nPam: As a human being.\nJim: Yeah, no, I don't think you can.\nJan: I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow.\nMichael: Wait.\nJan: K?\nMichael: Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why?\nJan: Michael, now is not the time or the place.\nMichael: Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place?\nJan: No, I am saying we are never having this conversation.\nMichael: Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance?\nJan: Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.'\nMichael: I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?\nJan: Michael, it has nothing-\nMichael: Am I too short?\nJan: With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate.\nMichael: Really?\nJan: Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok?\nMichael: I appreciate that, thank you.\nJan: And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-\nMichael: No, I wasn't, I didn't cry-\nJan: At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok?\nMichael: So my looks have nothing to do with it?\nJan: Ohhh, God.\nMichael: Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I'm good. I can go home now.\nMichael: Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight?\nJim: Ummm... no idea.\nMichael: Never missed a day, my ass.\nPam: [Jim bows to Pam; she bows back] Thank you.\nDwight: [running through parking lot] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok!\nMichael: Oscar, I'm ready for you.\nOscar: Today is performance-review day, company-wide, and I'm a little concerned about my review. I exceeded my sick days and my personal days because I just couldn't take it. And I don't have a good answer for him, when he asks me.\nMichael: So...\nOscar: Michael, I don't know what to say.\nMichael: Um, you're in accounting...\nOscar: Yes, I'm in accounting and I'm sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit.\nMichael: So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more.\nOscar: Yes.\nDwight: You know what this is?\nJim: Yes.\nDwight: No, you don't.\nJim: Then why the question?\nDwight: This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. 'Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight.'\nJim: I have one, too. Jim. Jim, Is Jim. My name is Jim.\nDwight: That's a total waste of your 'M.'\nJim: Really?\nDwight: Yeah.\nJim: You have a better idea?\nDwight: Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good.\nJim: I'll use that.\nJan: I am not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business.\nMichael: All right.\nJan: Period.\nMichael: Yup.\nJan: Do we understand each other?\nMichael: Absolutely.\nMichael: I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period.' Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask?\nJim: So, that's... It's great.\nMichael: Yes, it is.\nJim: Yeah. You have fun?\nMichael: Yes, I did.\nJim: Did you go to first base?\nMichael: Hell, yeah.\nJim: Oh, yeah?\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: Did you go to second?\nMichael: What?\nJim: Second.\nMichael: Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but...\nJim: Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly?\nMichael: Um, yup, wait, yes.\nJim: Pop-up?\nMichael: No, there... Later there was.\nJim: Really?\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I'm saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn't he?\nMichael: I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing.\nJim: Office romances. Um... [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam 'cause she's in an office romance, technically.\nMichael: Let's just push on, shall we?\nDwight: Pushing on.\nMichael: It's next. Just keep it. 'Look on the supply shelf.' What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you?\nRyan: Yeah. It's another note.\nMichael: Okay, yeah.\nRyan: Look on the windshield.'\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: Does it specify which windshield?\nRyan: I'll check them all.\nDwight: This ought to be good.\nJim: Which one?\nDwight: Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata.\nPam: He sees it.\nDwight: What does it say?\nJim: He can't hear you?\nMichael: Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this?\nDwight: [clapping] Come on. Let's get back to this.\nMichael: All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley?\nStanley: I'm back.\nMichael: Christ Almighty.\nRyan: Look under the sink in the men's room.'\nMichael: All right, next suggestion.\nDwight: Next suggestion.\nMichael: Don't...' Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just...\nDwight: Don't sleep with your boss.' Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?\nJan: Okay, let me make something clear. As embarrassing as this is, I feel that it needs to be said. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on with Michael and myself.\nMichael: Well...\nJan: The other night, I gave him a polite congratulatory kiss because he just closed the biggest deal of his career. And that's it. If anything else has been implied, Dwight, or inferred, Michael, Creed, it's just not true, okay? It's not true. So... Is everyone straight on that?\nMichael: Crystal.\nDwight: There's one more suggestion.\nMichael: How pleasant. You can...\nDwight: Way to go man, Jan's really hot.'\nMichael: Okay, I think we're good.\nPam: Oh, my God. When Dwight said no one wants to come in on a Saturday...\nJim: I know.\nPam: I almost lost it. That was too good.\nJim: Well, that is because that is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, my God. I left today's paper on my desk.\nPam: You mean yesterday's paper.\nJim: What? Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Wow. You are very good at what you do.\nPam: Thank you.\nDwight: Hey, temp.\nRyan: Hey.\nDwight: Look, we're twins.\nRyan: Cool.\nDwight: Bet you I got mine for less than yours.\nRyan: I bet you did.\nDwight: Getting a little something that calm the nerves?\nRyan: What nerves?\nDwight: For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp.\nRyan: Actually, I had mine already.\nDwight: You're lying.\nRyan: Why would I lie about a performance review?\nDwight: Why would Michael give you one before me?\nRyan: I think because my name is before yours in alphabetical order. [coins dropping]\nDwight: How did it go?\nRyan: Fine. He actually gave me a small raise, which I did not ask for. [hits vending machine] It's stuck. [Dwight begins throwing his entire body into the vending machine] It's cool, it fell.\nDwight: [Wild Side playing] You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready. [groans]\nMichael: Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband.\nMichael: Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get?\nMichael: Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did.\nMichael: Never...\nJan: Never for me always means never, ever, ever.\nMichael: Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding.\nJan: What?\nMichael: Nothing, I just...\nJan: What did you say, Michael?\nMichael: Nothing.\nJan: Did you call my ex?\nMichael: No, I did not.\nJan: Gould, you said, Gould.\nMichael: Maybe I did. Maybe I called him, I don't know.\nJan: How dare you, Michael? My personal life is off-limits to you.\nMichael: I...\nJan: Okay, how dare you do that?\nMichael: I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me.\nJan: Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you?\nMichael: Ex-husband, you have to let it go.\nJan: I mean...\nRyan: Look under the suggestion box.' 'I can't believe I kept this up all day.' Signed, me.\nMichael: What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot."}
{"text": "Michael: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.\nJim: Are we in danger?\nMichael: There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. [knock at the front door]\nKevin: Michael, should I call the... [Michael waves his hands] What?\nMichael: The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.\nMichael: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected...\nSadiq (IT guy): That just means you have to enter your password.\nMichael: Oh...\nSadiq (IT guy): What's your password, Michael?\nMichael: Oh, umm... [looks at Post-It on computer]\nSadiq (IT guy): Oh, it's 1-2-3.\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Mi-\nMichael: AH! Guh-oood.\nDwight: Sorry.\nMichael: Please don't do that.\nDwight: Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?\nMichael: I can't tell you.\nDwight: You have to tell me.\nMichael: I don't have to tell you anything.\nDwight: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.\nMichael: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr! That's strong!\nDwight: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-\nMichael: I'm not going get a brain-\nDwight: Or get hit by a car-\nMichael: Stop it.\nDwight: Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.\nMichael: Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?\nMichael: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.\nMichael: So how do you search?\nSadiq (IT guy): By keyword phrase.\nMichael: Try 'profits'. No! Try 'Michael Scott'. 'Michael' 'boss' and 'funny'. [Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up] Oh my God, wow! [chuckles] E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. [reads e-mail] 'Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.' Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.\nOscar: Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?\nMichael: Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? [robot voice] I will destroy everything in my path-\nOscar: Actually, it's just-\nMichael: Beep! Bop!\nOscar: Ok...\nMichael: Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. [Tin Man voice] Oil can. Oil can.\nOscar: Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.\nMichael: Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.\nDwight: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?\nMichael: You know what the problem is?\nStanley: I think I do.\nMichael: The problem is that when people hear the term 'big brother', they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.\nKevin: I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.\nDwight: Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.\nAngela: I know.\nDwight: Good. [Pam overhears]\nPam: [whispers to Jim] Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.\nJim: What?\nPam: I know!\nJim: Hmm...\nPam: Do you think that they're like-\nJim: No.\nPam: No, right, no, no.\nJim: [humming]\nPam: Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?\nPam: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... [to camera guys] If you guys see anything... ?\nPam: Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with.\nDwight: Nice.\nPam: One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?\nDwight: Does he have access to their medical records?\nPam: Ummmm...\nDwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.\nMichael: Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .[scrolls down list] No.\nPam: Hey, Angela-\nAngela: Hi.\nPam: How's it going?\nAngela: It's ok.\nPam: Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?\nAngela: No. Are we supposed to?\nPam: No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so.\nAngela: Hmm... [Pam reaches towards vending machine] Excuse me.\nPam: Oh.\nMichael: There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.\nKevin: That's pretty young.\nPam: Yeah.\nKevin: [to Michael] Are you gonna eat with us?\nMichael: Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.\nJim: Uh hum.\nMichael: Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.\nPam: The professors would go to the parties?\nMichael: Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.\nJim: It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.\nPam: [to cameraman] What? [looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth] Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!\nDwight: Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-\nJim: Oh, uh, no. Could-\nDwight: I was wondering-\nJim: Could, keep that down.\nDwight: Why?\nJim: Because not everybody knows about the party.\nDwight: Like who? Who doesn't know?\nJim: Umm, Michael.\nDwight: Why just Michael?\nJim: Because it's a surprise.\nDwight: Is it?\nJim: Uh hmm.\nDwight: Oh, that's perfect!\nJim: So, don't tell.\nDwight: I won't.\nJim: Ok.\nJim: So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.\nPam: Really? That's great.\nJim: I know.\nPam: Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.\nJim: [laughs] Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or...\nPam: Oh, no, he can't make it.\nJim: Oh, ok, cool.\nMichael: Hey there.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: Almost quittin' time.\nJim: Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock.\nMichael: One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out.\nJim: Oh, um... .I can't.\nMichael: You have plans.\nJim: Uh hmm, definitely.\nMichael: I do, too. I do, too.\nJim: You do?\nMichael: I do, yeah. Big plans.\nJim: Because you said 'do you wanna hang out'-\nMichael: Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-\nJim: Really?\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun.\nMichael: It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.\nJim: Improv sounds great.\nMichael: It is. Ok.\nJim: Alright.\nMichael: [someone coughs] What?\nJim: I think Stanley just coughed.\nMichael: Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?\nPam: No thanks.\nMichael: Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with-\nOscar: I'm on a call.\nMichael: Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?\nKevin: My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-\nMichael: Ok, alright.\nKevin: Oh.\nMichael: Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to?\nAngela: I'm just leaving for the day.\nMichael: Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed?\nAngela: Charity. Bake drive.\nMichael: Liar!\nAngela: No!\nMichael: You are a liar.\nAngela: No, I'm not.\nMichael: Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy.\nDwight: Battlestar Galatica.\nMichael: That's, whatever stupid show you want-\nDwight: I can't-\nMichael: To watch tonight\nDwight: Tonight.\nMichael: We're watching it.\nDwight: Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice.\nMichael: I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.\nDwight: Clarinet.\nMichael: You, too, Dwight?\nDwight: Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. [to the camera] He has no idea!\nJim: Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy.\nDwight: Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock?\nMark: Hey, you must be Dwight!\nDwight: You don't work with us.\nJim: That's because Mark's my roommate.\nMark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.\nDwight: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here.\nJim: Uh hmm.\nDwight: When is the guest of honor coming?\nJim: Oh, uh, later-ish.\nDwight: He's gonna love it!\nJim: Great. [to a group of guests] Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.\nPam: Definitely.\nJim: Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.\nRyan: Hey, is Katy coming?\nJim: Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while.\nRyan: Huh, is it ok if I call her?\nJim: We can talk about that later.\nImprov Teacher: Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene.\nMichael: [In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter'] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air.\nImprov Teacher: Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth.\nMary-Beth: Great. [skips] La la la la la laaa...\nMichael: [fake kicks in door] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI.\nMichael: Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. [gasps] That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't.\nGirl acting Pregnant: I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget.\nMichael: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! [shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor] Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. [another actor steps in] Boom! Boom! Boom!\nActor: I'm not even in the scene!\nActress: Again!?\nMichael: Boom! Boom!\nImprov Teacher: Stop, stop, ok, stop.\nMichael: Boom! Boom!\nImprov Teacher: You shot me, great. Now stop.\nMichael: Why\nImprov Teacher: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.\nMichael: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going.\nImprov Teacher: Ok, what about the scene they set up?\nMichael: Boring.\nImprov Teacher: No, it wasn't. No more guns.\nMichael: I could of-\nImprov Teacher: No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have.\nMichael: Ok.\nImprov Teacher: Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great.\nMichael: Yehhhehh.\nImprov Teacher: Yeeehh, ok.\nPam: Jim's bedroom.\nJim: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's-\nPam: Cool... This is your desk.\nJim: This is my desk.\nPam: Your home office?\nJim: My home office, this is it.\nPam: Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.\nJim: Ok, sure. Will do.\nPam: Ok, wait, so that would make me [walks to side of room] like right here.\nJim: Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right.\nPam: And Dwight would be like-\nJim: You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.\nPam: Umm, [gasps] yearbook!\nJim: Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all.\nPam: [finds Jim's picture] Ooooohhh no!\nJim: Oh yeah.\nPam: You were so dorky!\nJim: Thank you.\nImprov Teacher: Freeze!\nMichael: I'm in.\nImprov Teacher: You wanna go over the rules one more time?\nMichael: No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.\nBill: I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.\nMichael: What are you... [whispers to Bill]\nImprov Teacher: Michael, what did you tell him?\nMichael: Nothing.\nImprov Teacher: Then why are his hands up? Bill?\nBill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.\nImprov Teacher: Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill.\nMichael: Good, it's good. Good work, everybody.\nJim: Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun?\nAngela: I got sap on me.\nJim: Chicken, hot dog, burger.\nAngela: I'm a vegetarian.\nJim: There is soda inside.\nAngela: Guh.\nStanley: I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did.\nOscar: Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they-\nKelly: I'm sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about.\nAngela: I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. [Pam overhears]\nPam: Hey Phyllis, come here for a second.\nPhyllis: Sure.\nPam: Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?\nPhyllis: You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry!\nPam: That's ok. It's ok.\nKevin: [smacks Ryan's hand] Not so fast... Fire Guy.\nMary-Beth: How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here?\nBill: Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool.\nMichael: So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? [to camera] Go to Bernie's?\nBill: Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.\nMichael: Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it.\nBill: Ok.\nMichael: Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not.\nPhyllis: [singing] Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known...\nJim: Oh by the way how's your side project going?\nPam: Oh, yeah I gave that up.\nJim: Really?\nPam: Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws.\nPam: Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on.\nKevin: [singing] Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.\nDwight: Surprise! [laughs] Everybody!\nPhyllis: Dwight...\nMichael: Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. [to Jim] There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! [sees Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine?\nMichael: Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. [singing] Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind-\nMichael and Jim: [singing] It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh.\nMichael: We're making love!\nMichael and Jim: [singing] Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me...\nMichael: Talk! Just talk!\nMary-Beth: I am-\nMichael: Shut up!\nMichael: Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says 'Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.' [giggles] And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.\nAngela: [Oscar shakes his leg] You're going to have to stop that. [Oscar moves over] I can still feel it.\nSadiq (IT guy): Do you have a question or something?\nMichael: Um...\nSadiq (IT guy): About my turban, maybe?\nMichael: Nope, nope. I actually wear a turban sometimes. Wanna see it?\nSadiq (IT guy): Yeah.\nMichael: Got it right here. [pulls out Karnak turban]\nSadiq (IT guy): Why do you have that?\nMichael: Comedy; it's funny. It's Johnny Carson, Karnak. It's, um, put it back. Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land?\nSadiq (IT guy): In Pittsburgh? Yeah, but I never really watched him.\nMichael: Oh. You were forbidden.\nSadiq (IT guy): No, I'm much younger than you. I watched Conan.\nMichael: Alright, I'm gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee. Do you want some coffee er-\nSadiq (IT guy): No.\nMichael: Or some tea or hummus or something?\nSadiq (IT guy): No, thank you.\nPhyllis: Oh, this isn't good.\nStanley: It's fine.\nPhyllis: You don't even know what I'm talking about.\nMichael: Should have done this a long time ago. Tons of personal e-mails, huge time wasters. Uh, uh huh. Wow, like Kevin, rating the best bars in Scranton? Poor Richard's number seven? Idiot. Stupid load. [phone rings] Yeah.\nPam: Hey, Michael, accounting needs your approval on-\nMichael: Yeah, I'm busy right now. [hangs up]\nMichael: Here's a helpful suggestion for Jim. Jim, instead of e-mailing Amazon, to try and get that CD that you didn't receive, I suggest that you go to Visa and tell them to cancel the charge.\nJim: Yeah, definitely didn't need help with that, but, yeah.\nMichael: It's seems like ya did though-\nJim: Oh?\nMichael: Jim. Lots of e-mails to Amazon, lots of wasted computer space. Alright, let's get back to work.\nToby: Yeah, I assumed Michael was already doing this. That's why I only use my personal e-mail account.\nMichael: [moves chair to Jim and Dwight's desks] Ooo, bleh bleh bleh.\nDwight: Where's your tie?\nMichael: I don't know. Just felt like taking it off. Man, work can be just so damn frustrating don't ya think, Jim?\nJim: Uh, yeah, I guess.\nDwight: What's going on, Michael. Talk to me.\nMichael: I don't know, same old stuff. Same old. Boss just been ridin' my ass.\nDwight: Oh no! Jan!? What's goin' on?\nMichael: I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys.\nDwight: The most important one of the guys.\nMichael: That's not the point.\nDwight: That's exactly the point. You've hit a slump. It happens to the best of us. You just have to remember, you know-\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: Where you come from, and who you are.\nMichael: Ok.\nDwight: You know, you have worked so hard for this. You are the boss; you can buy and sell us with just a snap of your little finger.\nMichael: Ok yes, I would never do that.\nJim: Yeah, no one can snap with their little finger.\nMichael: Ha.\nDwight: Jim, this is hardly the time.\nMichael: No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time. This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it's what it's all about, just hangin' out. Enjoying friends, all being the same. Worker bees.\nDwight: And their king bee.\nMichael: No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around.\nDwight: Master bee.\nMichael: I'm not a master bee.\nDwight: Queen bee.\nMichael: I'm just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin'.\nPam: Hi!\nRoy: Hey babe. Hey, how are you!?\nPam: Good.\nRoy: You look good.\nPam: Thank you.\nRoy: Hey, um, I was wondering if it'd be ok if I go to Lonny's poker game tonight. I promise, it'll be like the last time for a while.\nPam: We were supposed to go to the barbeque at Jim's house.\nRoy: Oh, man. Um, could you go without me? Make something up, say I like, ate something, or...\nPam: Uhh...\nRoy: Huh, huh? You're the best. You're the best!\nPam: I might be late.\nRoy: Ok, don't wake me up cause I'm playing ball in the morning.\nPam: Ok.\nRoy: Alright, bye. [Pam looks around the office]\nPam: [to the cameraman] Did I miss anything?\nMichael: Five o'clock. Time to go get my improv on. [drinks] Little bit of the comedy juice. Mmm. Alright, see if you can guess what this is. [roars and flails his arms] That is a dinosaur getting ready to go to improv class. Just a taste of the improv.\nMichael: I need to know... who shot Johnson!\nMary-Beth: Uh, President Johnson. Um-\nMichael: Shut up!\nMary-Beth: Ok.\nMichael: I have a right mind to shoot you right in the head.\nMary-Beth: I, I killed him. You're right! It was me!\nMichael: Just shut up! I don't wanna hear anything more from you.\nImprov Teacher: No, listen to what she's saying.\nMary-Beth: Alright, I'll be quiet if we can make some kind of deal. A deal?\nMichael: Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! No deal. Not with Michael Scarn, FBI. Michael Scarn doesn't make deals. Michael Scarn shoots and then asks questions later. [blows on his fake gun]\nImprov Teacher: Good, good.\nMichael: She was kind of tripping me up, cause she was, um, I was trying to get something going, when I was over her with the gun, and she like kept changing the story.\nMary-Beth: I don't think... he was saying-\nMichael: Well, you kept-\nMary-Beth: He kept saying 'shut up'-\nMichael: Going into nuclear something; that's not where the scene was going.\nMary-Beth: I-\nBill: It goes wherever.\nMichael: Well, it goes, it goes in the best direction, and that was not the best direction.\nMary-Beth: I felt like he was ordering me around, cause he-\nMichael: Well, he, Michael Scarn, that character, orders people around, and that's, you should of just gone-\nImprov Teacher: All your characters order people around though, and-\nMichael: Well...\nImprov Teacher: There's stronger choices.\nMichael: I don't think there's any stronger choice than being a really strong character.\nMary-Beth: We've seen you do that character before though. I mean, you know, that's cool.\nMichael: Well, it's, like, well, it's, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence, that's...\nMary-Beth: Like Jim Carrey or something.\nMichael: Exactly, thank you.\nMary-Beth: Right, well I wasn't saying that-\nMichael: I appreciate that.\nMary-Beth: Nah, I know, I just meant that... he shot me, I just-\nMichael: Or Ryan Stiles, something like that.\nMary-Beth: Yeah, ya know maybe, he made me get on the ground, and I didn't feel safe in this game.\nMichael: You shouldn't have been, 'cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn. That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that's a compliment.\nImprov Teacher: You succeeded.\nMichael: Good work.\nMary-Beth: Yeah.\nJim: And in this room here, if you look closely, you will find out a few clues about who lives here. Um, he likes biking, obviously, and uh, what else? Uh, he likes tour guides, I guess. And if you're very perceptive, you'll notice that he didn't do a great job of cleaning his room [kicks water bottle under bed]. Ok, and uh, that's the tou-\nRyan: And he's really into penguins or something?\nJim: Um, thank you, Ryan, uh, I don't know, I think I made the mistake one day of telling someone that I like penguins, and here we are.\nPhyllis: Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you a penguin.\nJim: And that's why it's on my desk, Phyllis; it means a lot to me, and now that I know it was from you, it means even more. Moving on! Uh, ok, so that's the end of the tour for now, and if you liked it please tell your friends: 'Whenever you're in Scranton, visit Casa de la Halpert'.\nImprov Teacher: Ok, for the next exercise, let's everyone pair up.[everyone picks a partner] And everyone got somebody? Ok, good. [Michael is partner-less] Uh, ok, uh, why don't you go out in the hallway and go through all the rules in your head. Ok, you take a break and sort of run through the rules in your head. Ok, stay there.\nMichael: I'll just throw out some suggestions.\nImprov Teacher: Ok, you guys wanna start? [to Michael] Don't throw out any-\nMichael: They're in a whorehouse.\nImprov Teacher: Suggestions.\nMichael: And he's a proctologist. [to teacher] What?\nImprov Teacher: We don't need a suggestion for this one; it's gonna come from them. [to other students] It's a game called 'Yes, and?' and uh, you will say the first sentence. And uh, you're telling a story-\nMichael: First sentence is: 'I'm a proctologist'.\nImprov Teacher: We're not gonna get a suggestion for this one, it's gonna come from them. [to students] Ok, you're gonna say the first sentence and then she will say yes to that and then she'll add something to the story, like you're telling a story. [looks at Michael and then students] Oh yeah, what was he doing? Ok, why don't you take a break? Since you don't have a partner.\nMichael: Alright, I'm ready here.\nImprov Teacher: Ok.\nKevin: Why don't you turn it up? [Ryan moves to turn up the grill] Uh! Not so fast... Fire Guy. Think we need some more heat, Fire Guy? Hey, Fire Guy, maybe we should burn Jim's house down.\nRyan: That's really funny.\nKevin: Hey, Kelly; I called him Fire Guy.\nKelly: Good one, Kev.\nKevin: Yeah... hey Stanley-\nRyan: He called me Fire Guy.\nStanley: Oh, good one. [laughs]\nKevin: It never gets old.\nRyan: Never gets old."}
{"text": "Dwight: Go. Get the door.\nMichael: Here we are.\nDwight: Go. Push!\nMichael: Oh god.\nDwight: Push!\nMichael: No, no, turn it around.\nDwight: Really shove it.\nMichael: You'll break it.\nDwight: Shove it through! Break it!\nMichael: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight.\nMichael: All right.\nDwight: I got a splinter.\nMichael: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh?\nDwight: I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.\nMichael: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three.\nDwight: One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.]\nMichael: Merry Christmas!\nMichael: Did it work?\nKevin: [holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?\nMichael: A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.\nKevin: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?\nMichael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.\nJim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. [holds up a miniature pencil] This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.\nAngela: Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights?\nPhyllis: Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones?\nAngela: We'll see.\nRyan: Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive.\nMichael: [comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting?\nAngela: Fifty.\nMichael: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.\nMichael: It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.\nMichael: I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive.\nPam: You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party.\nMichael: Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.\nKevin & Oscar: One, two, three. [they lift and start to move a desk]\nDwight: You guys should use a hand truck.\nKevin: Do we have one?\nDwight: No.\nAngela: [having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by] Will you help me?\nMichael: No! No way! It... no.\nDarryl: Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours.\nMichael: You wanna be Santa?\nDarryl: Yeah.\nMichael: Have you ever seen Santa?\nDarryl: Yeah, I've seen Santa.\nMichael: Okay.\nDarryl: Who cares?\nMichael: Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work.\nDwight: Michael, I would like to be the elf.\nMichael: That makes sense because he has elfish features.\nDwight: [now wearing an elf hat and ears] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael.\nToby: I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that.\nOscar: I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain.\nKevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't [smiles happily].\nMichael: You get something good this year?\nJim: I think I did a pretty good job.\nMichael: Yeah? Who did you have?\nJim: Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret.\nMichael: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.\nJim: Yeah?\nMichael: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.\nJim: Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ?\nMichael: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.\nJim: That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can ..\nMichael: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.\nDwight: Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons.\nStanley: I know how to plug something in.\nDwight: I want to do it.\nMichael: All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready?\nAll: Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree]\nMichael: Not great.\nPhyllis: I'm sorry, everybody.\nPam: I think the tree looks nice.\nDwight: Hey, I could get some flares from my car.\nMichael: No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa.\nMichael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, 'Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.'\nDwight: First present, Oscar.\nOscar: [rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat.\nKelly: Oh, good, that was from me.\nOscar: Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of ..\nDwight: Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim.\nJim: Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag]\nCreed: That's from me.\nJim: Great. Where did you get it?\nCreed: I don't know. It was so long ago.\nJim: He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number [holds up way-too-short sleeves] and then threw it in a bag.\nCreed: Yep. That's exactly what happened.\nDwight: Pam.\nPam: [opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome.\nJim: There's a little more to it.\nDwight: All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present]\nMichael: No, don't!\nRyan: [unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod.\nMichael: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.\nRyan: Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks.\nMichael: You don't know that.\nRyan: Yeah, you left the price tag on.\nMichael: I did?\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?\nDwight: Michael.\nMichael: Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on.\nPhyllis: I knitted it for you.\nMichael: An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out]\nMichael: So Phyllis is basically saying, 'Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth.' I gave Ryan an iPod.\nKevin: Should we just keep opening up the presents?\nDwight: We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.\nMichael: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.\nJim: What is Yankee Swap?\nMichael: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift.\nJim: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.\nPam: Yeah, we call it White Elephant.\nMichael: Well, I call it fun!\nOscar: Why are we doing this?\nMichael: Because it's better. Because it's more special.\nAngela: It sounds mean.\nMichael: Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot.\nAngela: Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry]\nMichael: Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt.\nMeredith: I'll take the teapot.\nJim: Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam.\nMichael: Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.\nPam: I'll take the iPod.\nRyan: And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice?\nDwight: Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift.\nStanley: [after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly'] That was meant for Kelly.\nRyan: Yeah, I figured.\nMichael: I think this is going great.\nKelly: [unwrapping the poster] Yikes.\nToby: Well, it's for Angela, so ..\nKelly: That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.\nDwight: Angela, you're up.\nAngela: I'll take the poster. Some people like these.\nKelly: I will steal the iPod.\nMichael: Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.\nMichael: Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn.\nOscar: I'll take the ... teapot.\nMeredith: Damn it.\nDwight: Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go.\nMeredith: I really want the iPod.\nDwight: It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else.\nMichael: [holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.\nMeredith: I'll take the oven mitt.\nMichael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.\nMichael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.\nMichael: [opens present] 'In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute.'\nDwight: You and me, Michael. Yes!\nMichael: Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?\nDwight: I never said it was better than an iPod.\nDwight: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand.\nDwight: [shooting paintball gun at target] Take that, Saddam!\nMichael: Last gift. Kevin.\nKevin: I want the foot bath.\nKevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. [pauses] Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot.\nDwight: Pam, steal something or pick the final gift.\nPam: I want the iPod.\nKelly: Damn it.\nJim: Sure you don't want the teapot?\nPam: Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But ..\nJim: Right.\nPam: Sorry, I ..\nJim: No. No. Definitely. It's ..\nKelly: Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories.\nDwight: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.\nJim: Got to be kidding me.\nDwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas.\nMichael: [after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about?\nPam: Maybe because you hated her present so much.\nMichael: Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets.\nJim: Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people.\nStanley: And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else.\nMichael: Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!\nOscar: You got a bonus check?\nPam: How much?\nMichael: It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000.\nStanley: All right, I'm done now.\nMichael: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.\nLiquor Store Clerk: It comes to $166.41.\nMichael: All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?\nLiquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.\nMichael: Cool, cool. Box it up.\nJim: I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it?\nDwight: No trades.\nJim: Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck.\nDwight: A real man makes his own luck.' Billy Zane.\nJim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?\nDwight: No. I want it. I'm going to use it.\nJim: You don't even drink tea.\nDwight: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems ..\nJIm: Okay ..\nDwight: .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates]\nJim: To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle.\nRoy: This is awesome.\nPam: I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out.\nRoy: Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money.\nPam: So what are you going to get me instead?\nRoy: I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something.\nMichael: Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.\nAngela: What is that?\nMichael: This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.\nMeredith: We can drink?\nToby: We're really not supposed to serve alcohol.\nMichael: Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?\nMeredith: Me. Please.\nMichael: Go, here we go!\nMeredith: The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week.\nPhyllis: Hi guys.\nRyan: Hey.\nPhyllis: Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?\nKevin: Kevin Malone.\nBob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.\nStanley: Stanley Hudson.\nBob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.\nRyan: Ryan Howard.\nBob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.\nRyan: What line of work you in, Bob?\nRoy: I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man.\nDarryl: Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done.\nRoy: It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man.\nDarryl: I had to. I needed defense.\nRoy: Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league.\nDarryl: It's defense.\nRoy: Oh, no. That is not worth it.\nDarryl: It is worth it.\nRoy: Never.\nDarryl: Are you kidding? You wait.\nMichael: Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how's it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin]\nRyan: We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some?\nAngela: There should be some ..\nMichael: No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party.\nPhyllis, Meredith, Michael, Kevin: One, two, three. [do a shot]\nMichael: Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee.\nRyan: Oh, no.\nMichael: Yeah, yeah, yeah.\nRyan: I really did not do anything.\nMichael: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend.\nJim: You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know.\nPam: [laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot]\nJim: But ..\nPam: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so ..\nJim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside.\nPam: [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture!\nPam: Yeah, I think I made the right choice.\nPam: Oh, my God! It's incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer?\nJim: I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't.\nDwight: This is so awesome.\nMichael: Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to.\nDwight: Thank you.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nTodd Packer: [grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe!\nMichael: No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!\nTodd Packer: [rapping] What's up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants]\nMichael: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake.\nTodd Packer: Pacman need a drinky.\nMichael: Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up.\nKevin: [listening to music through headphones] Yeahhh.\nMichael: Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it.\nDarryl: That's okay, Mike.\nMichael: No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it.\nDarryl: All right. Thanks, man.\nMichael: Hey, Merry Christmas.\nRyan: [looking at Xeroxed butt pictures] Whose butt is that?\nKevin: Mine.\nRyan: Oh, how did I not guess that?\nMichael: [coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It's happening!\nCreed: [as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer] Oh, no.\nKelly: Hey.\nDwight: Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing?\nKelly: I don't know.\nDwight: You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.\nKevin: Thanks for the party, Michael.\nMeredith: Yeah.\nBob Vance: Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in?\nOscar: I'm in.\nDwight: Yes.\nOscar: Michael? Poor Richard's?\nMichael: Yeah, that sounds good.\nMichael: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.\nMichael: Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's?\nMeredith: Yep.\nMichael: Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat?\nMeredith: Yeah.\nMichael: Okay!\nOscar: Towards me.\nCreed: Okay.\nOscar: Towards me. That's good, towards me. Towards me. Towards me, towards me. Okay, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good.\nCreed: Okay, okay. [gasping]\nOscar: Creed.\nMichael: Remember on that animated special when they taught the uh, the monster to put the star on top? That's Dwight. Dwight's the monster that we taught to put the star on top of the tree. You take his teeth out, and he could put the star on top of the tree.\nPam: Do you want me to help you with that?\nPhyllis: Yeah.\nMichael: Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela's kind of... Angela's little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper.\nDwight: Okay. Christmas lights? Good. Tinsel? Good. Star? Good.\nMichael: Dwight is... Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason.\nDwight: Question, Pam. Is Roy coming to the party?\nPam: Yes.\nDwight: Okay, well, you didn't tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list.\nPam: Are you kidding?\nDwight: Do I look like I'm kidding? [Pam shakes her head 'no'] Phyllis, stag, I assume.\nPhyllis: I'm bringing someone.\nDwight: Really?\nPhyllis: I invited someone to the party. Bob Vance. He works at Vance Refrigeration next door. That's how we met. [whispers] He's my boyfriend.\nDwight: Everyone, please remain calm until we receive further instructions.\nPam: Just let us open up the presents, Dwight.\nDwight: Absolutely... not.\nDwight: What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way.\nOscar: Man, I really wanted that. I really wanted the shower radio, too.\nMichael: Well, thank God you didn't steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn.\nOscar: I'll take the tea pot.\nMeredith: Damn it.\nKelly: So, I guess, you really didn't want the shower radio that bad. No, I just like tea.\nOscar: No, I just like tea.\nKelly: I don't know why Oscar didn't like the gift. I know he wanted a shower radio. I mean, I totally remember him telling me that he wanted one.\nOscar: Kelly had me last year, too, and she gave me the same exact thing. I only have one shower.\nMichael: Oscar, paint ball pellets.\nOscar: I guess I'll take the last gift. Cool.\nPam: It was supposed to be for Meredith, 'cause she said she likes my drawings.\nMeredith: Thanks. I wish I could've had it. Do you wanna trade?\nMichael: Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party]\nToby: So, hey, you wanna trade?\nKelly: Yes, totally, 'cause I was just gonna throw this out anyway.\nToby: Really? You were gonna throw out a book?\nKelly: Mmm-hmm.\nKevin: [Rap music playing] [singing] The time is now, the place is here And the whole wide world is filled with cheer My name's DMC with the mike in my hand And I'm chilling and cooling just like a snow man\nDarryl: Yeah.\nKevin: [singing] So open eyes Lend us an ear We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year [Darryl whooping] Yeah.\nKevin: I'm the DJ because I really know how to heat up a party.\nDwight: I do enjoy a drink now and again, but tonight, no. I am also an officer of the law and I'm unofficially on the clock. I need to stay sober and alert. Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink.\nRyan: I actually got that for you. I had you originally.\nToby: Oh, cool. It looks really interesting. What did you end up with? [Ryan pulls Creed's old coat out of a bag] Sorry.\nRyan: I didn't want anything else, so I figured at least I could give it to a homeless guy.\nToby: Christmas.\nRyan: Yeah, Christmas.\nOscar: What did you end up with?\nCreed: Your shower radio.\nOscar: You like music at least?\nCreed: I love it. I actually used to have a radio show back in the '70s.\nOscar: You're kidding. What was your DJ name?\nCreed: Whacky-weed Creed.\nOscar: Turns out that Creed is a pretty interesting guy.\nAngela: You behaved very badly tonight.\nKelly: Sorry?\nMichael: See, that's what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, 'Man, I wish I got that.' I mean, that's just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don't know, it's just... I don't know, just makes you kind of feel good."}
{"text": "Jim: Hey.\nDwight: Hello. Jim?\nJim: What's up, buddy?\nDwight: This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?\nJim: Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.\nDwight: Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy.\nJim: Who, Steve?\nDwight: Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is.\nPam: Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup.\nDwight: No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup.\nPam: Um, I don't think so, I just bought it.\nDwight: Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me.\nPam: I love these.\nDwight: Okay, fine. Where's my wallet?\nJim: Oh, there it is. J1.\nDwight: But I don't have any...\nJim: Here, you know what? You can have some nickels.\nDwight: [putting quarters in] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five...\nMichael: Hello, everyone.\nDwight: Good morning, Michael.\nPhyllis: Where are we going this afternoon?\nMichael: Ah! Ha ha ha!\nPam: Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.\nJim: It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask.'\nPam: A ski mask and a swimsuit.\nJim: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers.\nPam: And brush our teeth.\nMichael: Yeah?\nStanley: Michael.\nMichael: Stanley! Bo banley.\nStanley: I need to know...\nMichael: Banana fana fo fanley.\nStanley: What we're doing.\nMichael: Be my mo manley.\nStanley: You said bring a toothbrush.\nMichael: Stanley.\nStanley: Is this an overnight?\nMichael: Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?\nStanley: Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow?\nMichael: Maybe, I don't know.\nStanley: Not maybe. Yes or no.\nMichael: Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.\nStanley: In January?\nMichael: It's cheaper.\nMichael: This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.\nMichael: It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise!\nMeredith: All right!\nRyan: I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?\nMichael: No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan.\nRyan: I'm already in business school.\nMichael: Well, this...\nKelly: Wait, Michael?\nMichael: Yeah?\nKelly: Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?\nMichael: To throw you off the scent.\nKelly: Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.\nMichael: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.\nKelly: I took the tags off already.\nMichael: Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, 'Who is this smart little cookie?' Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.\nMichael: I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.\nMichael: Leader... ship. The word 'ship' is hidden inside the word 'leadership,' as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork!\nOscar: Last year, Michael's theme was 'Bowl over the Competition!' So guess where we went.\nMichael: Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?\nDarryl: How about the sales department is the sails?\nMichael: Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace.\nPhyllis: A furnace?\nJim: Yeesh, how old is this ship?\nPam: How about the anchor?\nPhyllis: What does the furnace do?\nMichael: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands!\nJim: I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?\nMichael: Titanic?\nPam: I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.\nMichael: No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on!\nJim: Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.\nPhyllis: Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.\nMichael: No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse.\nDarryl: What?\nMichael: The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship.\nDwight: Aye aye, Captain.\nMichael: [singing] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.\nMichael: Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. [to Kelly] Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... [to Stanley] We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan.\nDwight: Cool.\nCaptain Jack: Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan.\nMichael: I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party.\nCaptain Jack: I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. [to boarding passengers] Hi, welcome aboard.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose.\nMichael: Hey, look! I'm king of the world!\nCaptain Jack: Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack.\nMichael: And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome!\nCaptain Jack: Okay! So...\nMichael: Okay! So...\nCaptain Jack: Please. The life preservers.\nMichael: Right.\nCaptain Jack: They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat.\nMichael: But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.\nCaptain Jack: Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here...\nMichael: I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna...\nCaptain Jack: Okay, Michael, if you don't mind...\nMichael: Rock it!\nCaptain Jack: Please, okay?\nMichael: If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!\nCaptain Jack: Michael.\nMichael: Yep.\nCaptain Jack: Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?\nMichael: We're all gonna have a good time tonight!\nCaptain Jack: Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?\nMichael: Hm? Okay. Yep.\nKaty: You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right?\nRoy: Yeah.\nKaty: Pam, were you a cheerleader?\nRoy: No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything!\nKaty: That's hilarious.\nJim: It's not hilarious, but...\nRoy: Where did you go to school?\nKaty: Bishop O'Hara.\nRoy: Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you?\nJim: Um, no.\nKaty: Yes, I did! [chanting] A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E!\nRoy: I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10!\nMichael: Having fun?\nBrenda: Yeah. Everybody's really nice.\nMichael: Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers.\nBrenda: When are you going to start the presentation?\nMichael: Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.\nCaptain Jack: Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo!\nMichael: So, okay.\nDwight: Limbo, whoo!\nCaptain Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be?\nMeredith: Me.\nCaptain Jack: Okay...\nDwight: Me! Me, me, me.\nCaptain Jack: Uh... usually it's a woman.\nDwight: I'm stronger.\nCaptain Jack: Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?\nCaptain Jack: Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you!\nDwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.\nCaptain Jack: All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest!\nMichael: But before that, I have to do my presentation.\nCaptain Jack: Nope! Dance contest!\nMichael: All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate!\nMichael: Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.\nDwight: [singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?\nAngela: Hey, come inside and talk to me.\nDwight: I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?!\nDarryl and Katy: [chanting] Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot!\nRoy: Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on!\nPam: No, I'm not going to do that.\nRoy: Come on!\nDarryl: That's what I'm talking about!\nPam: Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out?\nRoy: I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl!\nPam: It's getting kind of rowdy down there.\nJim: Yeah. [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!\nPam: Sometimes I just don't get Roy.\nJim: Well...\nPam: I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader?\nJim: Oh, um... [A long silence.]\nPam: I'm cold.\nCaptain Jack: So, what's this presentation all about?\nMichael: Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?\nCaptain Jack: Women and children.\nMichael: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.\nCaptain Jack: That's a stupid analogy.\nMichael: Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.\nCaptain Jack: Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm.\nDwight: Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.\nKaty: I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?\nPam: Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice.\nCaptain Jack: Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save?\nJim: Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king.\nMichael: Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.\nCaptain Jack: He's just sucking up!\nRoy: When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die?\nCaptain Jack: Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her.\nJim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.\nRoy: Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam!\nMichael: I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you?\nRoy: No, it was Captain Jack.\nMichael: Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great!\nCaptain Jack: We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship!\nMichael: Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!\nPam: No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there.\nMichael: Then I'll give you away!\nPam: No, thank you.\nKaty: Do you think that'll ever be us?\nJim: No.\nKaty: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?\nJim: I don't know. Let's break up.\nKaty: Whoa. What?\nCaptain Jack: This is where Captain Jack drives the boat.\nMeredith: Wow!\nDwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon.\nMichael: Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication.\nBrenda: Really? What?\nMichael: Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a...\nCaptain Jack: Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?\nMichael: It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about.\nMichael: I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.\nMichael: Is somebody there?\nJim: What happened to you?\nMichael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.\nJim: Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?\nMichael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.\nJim: What a night.\nMichael: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.\nJim: She was always engaged.\nMichael: Roy said the first one didn't count.\nJim: That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so...\nMichael: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan...\nJim: Yeah, I know.\nMichael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.\nJim: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway.\nMichael: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.\nJim: She's engaged.\nMichael: BFD. Engaged ain't married.\nJim: Huh.\nMichael: Never, ever, ever give up.\nDwight: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.\nMichael: It's a fake wheel, dummy.\nPhyllis: Are you all packed?\nKelly: Yes, I brought my duffel bag and a sleeping bag.\nOscar: Where do you guys think we're going?\nKelly: Definitely some place you can swim.\nOscar: Right.\nPhyllis: Maybe Florida.\nKelly: Did you hear something?\nMichael: [knocking] Yeah.\nJan: Hello, Michael.\nMichael: Hello.\nJan: Can we come in?\nMichael: Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah.\nJan: Thank you very much.\nMichael: Have a seat.\nJan: Brenda.\nMichael: Oh, every man's dream.\nJan: Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss?\nMichael: Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it's a booze cruise, but it... There's more to the story than that. It...\nJan: A booze cruise? What do you mean?\nMichael: Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme...\nJan: Michael, we discussed the IRS's regulations.\nMichael: Yeah, I don't even know why I said booze cruise. I don't even think there's booze on the boat.\nJan: Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible.\nMichael: Of course.\nJan: We discussed that.\nMichael: Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people's lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat.\nJan: Good. This is Brenda Matlow from corporate training.\nMichael: Hello.\nJan: I thought she could attend tonight, and if your event is appropriate, you could give it to other branches.\nMichael: Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That's... You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?\nBrenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.\nMichael: Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?\nBrenda: Sure...\nJan: Brenda.\nMichael: Thanks.\nBrenda: I mean, no.\nJan: Okay, you know, I'm gonna go now, and...\nMichael: Oh, okay.\nJan: Good luck, Brenda.\nMichael: I'll see you later.\nJan: Okay, see you later. And try to be professional.\nMichael: I'll call you later.\nJan: No, that's all right.\nMichael: That's like...\nJan: You call me if you need anything, Brenda.\nMichael: I'll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine.\nMichael: What is a sales department? Oscar, what do you think?\nOscar: I don't know what the categories are of workers on a boat.\nMichael: I'm not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And...\nDwight: Oh, oh, can I be the first mate?\nMichael: No, I'm first mate. You're second mate. I'm first mate, as the captain.\nPam: How about the anchor?\nMichael: Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well... [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he's awful.\nBrenda: Yeah, I know Toby from Jan's birthday.\nToby: Hey, Brenda.\nMichael: Oh, hey, Toby. So... It's an analogy.\nMichael: [Toby running to get on the cruise] Hey! What's wrong with you? You missed the boat.\nToby: I got lost.\nMichael: Idiot.\nCaptain Jack: We can go back.\nMichael: No, no, no. That's his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor!\nToby: I guess I shouldn't have stopped for dinner.\nDwight: On the high seas, Captain Jack is the leader. On the land it's Michael. On the ramp up to the boat, I was a bit conflicted. But now that I'm here, I'll follow Captain Jack to hell and back.\nDwight: Hey, Captain Jack, what kind of fish they got in this lake?\nCaptain Jack: Perch, bass.\nDwight: You know, my grandfather told me there was a monster here that eats Catholics. Have you heard...\nCaptain Jack: I haven't heard that, Dwight.\nDwight: If the hull is breached for any reason or the boat is overtaken, I am a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, and you can count on me.\nCaptain Jack: That's good to know, Dwight. Thanks.\nMichael: Your problem now, Captain Jack.\nMichael: Hey. You know what the best way of studying is?\nRyan: At home, not on a boat?\nMichael: Flash cards.\nRyan: Flash cards. Doesn't really help me right now because I'm on a boat.\nMichael: You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here.\nRyan: Well...\nCaptain Jack: Yeah! All right. All right. That was awesome. All right, looks like the guitar player's gonna take a little break. So this'd be a great time to head on over to the taco bar. All right.\nMichael: That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let's, uh,... Let's rock. Let's rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay... I'm hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What?\nCreed: Do you want me to give it a shot? Just...\nMichael: You know what? I don't think it's in...\nCreed: I...\nMichael: That's not in tune. I don't know if you can...\nCreed: I don't know, let's try.\nMichael: ...make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don't know. It is a defective ax, my friend.\nCreed: All right.\nMichael: Good luck.\nCreed: Guys, E, blues. Follow me, okay? [playing well]\nRoy: Yeah!\nCreed: Back in the '60s, I was with the Grass Roots. We toured with Janis Joplin, The Doors, Cream. We had a lot of fun, And now I do quality assurance for a paper company. As you can imagine, drugs played a part. They still do. My work calls last about 90 seconds, and that's about as long as I can concentrate.\nMichael: Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I'm old.\nRyan: [throwing up]\nDarryl: [speaking Spanish] Por favor, tequila seoor.\nAngela: I think you've had enough.\nDarryl: What you say, bitch? You know, you might be right.\nPam: You've been to the lake before?\nRoy: Yes, I have. [kisses Pam]\nRoy: Should have done it a long time ago.\nPam: Yes, you should have.\nRoy: I do what's right whenever I figure it out. I love you, babe.\nPam: Love you.\nKaty: You should make a toast.\nJim: No, I really don't want to.\nKaty: Jim, come on, don't be shy.\nKaty: Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on...\nMichael: Yeah! Toast!\nKaty: Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast!\nPam: Yeah.\nRoy: Come on.\nJim: Thanks, Katy. Um, didn't really prepare anything to say. We're all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she's awesome. And...\nDwight: Okay, okay. My turn, my turn. Is this thing on? Uh, I want to congratulate the happy couple. You know, they say that marriage is an institution. And I say, who wants to be in an institution?\nMichael: That's my line! That's my line, That's... I always say that at weddings. So I'll just think of something else to say. I... [band starts playing]\nKaty: Cheers.\nMichael: Hey, Jim. You got a hat?\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Thanks.\nPhyllis: [to Angela] So this is...\nStanley: [storms out of Michael's office] Well, we're not going to Florida.\nPhyllis: Oh. Someplace with a pool, then?\nStanley: [gives Phyllis a look]"}
{"text": "Oscar: ...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good.\nJim: [off camera] Yeah, that's right.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.\nMichael: Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now.\nPam: Michael, what's wrong?\nMichael: I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God!\nPam: Ok, wait wait wait wait...\nMichael: Ungh, this is not looking good Pam!\nPam: Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?!\nMichael: No, I want you to pick me up.\nJim: What?\nPam: Ok...\nJim: What's going on?\nPam: Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt.\nMichael: I am hurt. I hurt my foot.\nJim: I'm sorry? Pam.\nPam: [exasperated]\nJim: What is going on?\nMichael: I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone]\nMichael: OH GOD!\nJim: Hey, whoa, Michael...\nMichael: Oh God!\nJim: It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened.\nMichael: OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.\nJim: You burned\nMichael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.\nMichael: Pam, could you come get me?!\nPam: Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone.\nMichael: Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan?\nPhyllis: Michael, you should stay home and rest.\nMichael: There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that?\nKevin: Can you hop?\nMichael: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance.\nMichael: [panicked] No one wants to pick me up!?\nDwight: [silence, Dwight enters the office] What is going on? What is going on?\nPam: Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him.\nMichael: I'm not sick! I'm burned!\nDwight: I'm coming Michael!\nJim: Oh...\nDwight: I'm gonna save you!\nMichael: Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight.\nDwight: Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!\nMichael: I don't want Dwight!\nPam: Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend?\nMichael: I don't have a girlfriend.\nJim: But you said that you went out with her this weekend.\nMichael: It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight.\nJim: [sounds of a car crash] What was that...\nPam: What was that?! [everyone runs to Michael's office window]\nJim: Oh!\nPam: Ohhhhhh!\nJim: He hit the pole!\nJim: It's broken right, he can't...\nPam: Oh my gosh.\nJim: Oh Dwight, Dwight, [Dwight pukes on his back windshield] Ohhhhhh!\nJim and Pam: Oh my God!\nPam: Is he ok?\nJim: He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper!\nMichael: Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight!\nMichael: Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through.\nPam: You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.\nMichael: Did you explain why?\nPam: No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot.\nMichael: Burned my foot, Pam.\nMichael: Please stop popping my cast. Thank you.\nJim: So, where are you shipping your foot?\nMichael: Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping...\nDwight: Your foot?\nMichael: Thank you. Pam, messages please?\nPam: You didn't have any.\nMichael: Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and...\nPam: And do my job?\nMichael: No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God!\nDwight: [holding mini-fan] It slipped.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: Sorry.\nPam: It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment.\nMichael: I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask.\nPam: Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy.\nMichael: No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.\nDwight: Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to.\nMichael: What? Part of your duties are to what?\nDwight: What?\nMichael: You just said 'part of your duties are to' something.\nDwight: No, I didn't.\nMichael: Yes, you did. What is wrong with you?\nDwight: What is wrong with\nMichael: Where is my cornbread?\nRyan: Here you go.\nMichael: Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like?\nRyan: Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat.\nMichael: Where are the yams?\nRyan: They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach.\nMichael: Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg?\nRyan: Yes.\nMichael: And they had no yams?\nRyan: They had no yams.\nMichael: How strange. Because they always have yams.\nDwight: Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport?\nPam: You've seen one of these?\nDwight: Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid.\nPam: Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it.\nDwight: Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece.\nPam: Really?\nDwight: Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding!\nPam: Oh! Ha, haha.\nDwight: Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan.\nPam: Pan?\nMichael: Pam... PAAAM!?\nPam: Oh, God.\nPam: [phone rings] What.\nMichael: Come here please.\nPam: Tell me before I come there.\nMichael: I want you to rub butter on my foot.\nPam: No.\nMichael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock.\nPam: No.\nMichael: Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN!\nDwight: These covers are totally indestructible.\nPam: Really?\nDwight: Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Pam throws her mp3 player]\nDwight: Oh no, it's broken.\nPam: What?!\nDwight: No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long.\nPam: That is so cool. Thanks Dwight!\nDwight: Yep.\nJim: So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now.\nPam: Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!\nMichael: No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you?\nDwight: Huh. Do you like candy?\nAngela: It's alright.\nDwight: Cause you're sweeter than candy.\nAngela: What is wrong with you? [Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing]\nAngela: Hey!\nToby: Wow, you just dive right into it.\nRyan: You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it.\nMichael: [loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me!\nToby: What, what happened?\nMichael: I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall.\nToby: What do you need?\nMichael: Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam.\nToby: I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room.\nMichael: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.\nToby: Ryan, is, uh, dead.\nMichael: No, he's not.\nToby: Dead.\nMichael: I just saw him.\nToby: No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot.\nMichael: Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God!\nJim: Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today?\nPam: No, he's actually been really nice and helpful.\nJim: And that isn't weird?\nPam: Wow...\nMichael: Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar?\nPhyllis: Um, I had scoliosis as a girl.\nMichael: No, never heard of it. No, a\nCreed: When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.\nMichael: Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.\nStanley: I'm not disabled and neither are you.\nMichael: Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?!\nStanley: Mailboxes, Etc.\nMichael: Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.\nPhyllis: Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder.\nMichael: [sigh] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there!\nDwight: [looking up at Creed] Dad?\nMichael: While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society.\nJim: Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall?\nRyan: Twice.\nMichael: Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: AIDS.\nKevin: I think that's from Big.\nMichael: I don't think so, no.\nKelly: Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia.\nMichael: He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. [sigh] A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here?\nStanley: Uh hmmmm... .\nMichael: What you mean uh hmmm... ?\nStanley: I mean I'm learning nothing.\nMichael: Ok.\nBilly Merchant: Michael Scott, I'm looking for Michael Scott.\nMichael: Yes, right in here, come on in.\nBilly Merchant: Great.\nMichael: This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest.\nBilly Merchant: Sorry I'm late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space.\nBilly Merchant: Hey everyone, I'm Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I'm the properties manager of this office park\nMichael: You are so brave. You are so brave.\nBilly Merchant: Thank you. Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time...\nMichael: But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair.\nBilly Merchant: No, I just have a lot of properties to manage.\nMichael: Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning?\nBilly Merchant: I don't know, like 30 seconds?\nMichael: Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me.\nMichael: How did you get in your wheelchair?\nBilly Merchant: This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. [Everyone laughs]\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny.\nBilly Merchant: Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here.\nMichael: Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor.\nBilly Merchant: Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old. I don't really notice it anymore.\nMichael: Well they notice it. Don't you? You notice it. It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it?\nJim: I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.\nBilly Merchant: So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of...\nMichael: Ok...\nBilly Merchant: First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? [to Dwight, whose arms is raised] Yes. Yeah? yes...\nPam: Dwight, you have your hand up.\nMichael: Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick...\nBilly Merchant: You know what Michael?\nMichael: Yeah...\nBilly Merchant: Let me stop you right there.\nMichael: Ok.\nBilly Merchant: And leave.\nMichael: Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.\nBilly Merchant: What's wrong with that guy?\nJim: You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot.\nBilly Merchant: No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion.\nMichael: [popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey!\nRyan: I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale!\nMichael: You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.\nRyan: You are very welcome.\nMichael: Did you get the yams?\nRyan: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams!\nMichael: [sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding.\nRyan: You sure?\nMichael: Yeh.\nRyan: Ok.\nMichael: You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.\nMichael: Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain.\nRyan: I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine.\nMichael: Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins.\nDwight: [hits his head on his desk] Uh, ugh, ohhhh...\nJim: Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion.\nMichael: Oh, now you feel some compassion for him.\nAngela: He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him.\nMichael: Why don't you go with him?\nAngela: I, barely know him...\nDwight: I want Michael to take me...\nMichael: I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity.\nMeredith: You can take my van!\nMichael: Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive.\nJim: Fine.\nMichael: We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please.\nJim: Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator.\nDwight: Choo choo choo choo choo choo...\nJim: What are you doing? What, stop...\nDwight: Vietnam sounds.\nJim: [Dwight falls onto the couch] Stop, stop, stop, stop.\nDwight: Tired... [Jim grabs spray bottle from planter]\nJim: You can't lay down.\nDwight: Want to take a rake... .\nJim: Wake up. [sprays Dwight]\nDwight: Ahh!\nPam: Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight.\nJim: I'm just gonna get...\nDwight: Ok, Pam, thanks.\nPam: Get up, get up.\nDwight: You're the best.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Just keep him awake.\nDwight: It smells like chicken soup.\nPam: I know.\nDwight: I have to go to the hospital.\nPam: I know.\nDwight: Where we going?\nPam: I just want to say goodbye ok?\nDwight: I'll be back, I mean...\nPam: Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different.\nDwight: Why?\nPam: It's just hard to explain.\nDwight: Aw, Pam, you're adorable [taps her nose]\nPam: Oh my goodness!\nDwight: [giggles]\nPam: Come here.\nDwight: Oh, huggy hugs.\nMichael: Shotgun!\nJim: You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight?\nMichael: The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout 'shotgun' when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.\nMichael: Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem?\nJim: Well, I think she has a kid.\nMichael: Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around.\nDwight: Where are we going?\nJim: Come on, get inside.\nDwight: Where are we going?\nJim: We're going to Chuck E. Cheese.\nMichael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.\nJim: We're going to the hospital, Michael.\nMichael: I know, just sayin'.\nMichael: Dwight, what are you drinking?\nDwight: I found it under the seat.\nJim: Oh my God, Dwight, put that down.\nDwight: I'm thirsty.\nJim: Give the bottle to Michael [sprays Dwight]\nDwight: No!\nJim: Give the bottle to Michael!\nDwight: I'm thirsty!\nMichael: Give it to me.\nDwight: No.\nMichael: Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight] Give me the bottle or you're fired.\nDwight: You can't fire me, I don't work in this van!\nMichael: Give it to me Dwight.\nDwight: No. [takes a drink]\nMichael: Give me the bottle!!\nJim: [to Michael] Will you stop?\nMichael: Gimme the bottle, Dwight!\nJim: Michael stop.\nDwight: [drinks] Mmmmm...\nMichael: Just give it!\nJim: Michael stop. [sprays Michael, then Dwight]\nMichael: Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle!\nJim: Stop [sprays Michael]\nDwight: My eyes!\nMichael: Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle!\nDwight: My eyes!\nMichael: Dwight, what is your middle name.\nDwight: Danger.\nMichael: [sigh] Something with a 'K'.\nJim: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.\nMichael: What do I write under 'reason for visit'?\nJim: Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write?\nMichael: Nothing. I wrote 'bringing someone to the hospital'.\nJim: So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital.\nMichael: No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim]\nJim: Come on Dwight. [sprays Dwight]\nDwight: Hi Michael!\nMichael: Hi Dwight.\nDwight: Ahhh. Mweehaa\nMichael: Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?\nDoctor: A head injury.\nMichael: Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly.\nDoctor: [to Dwight] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan.\nDwight: What is that?\nMichael: Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look?\nDoctor: Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot.\nMichael: Ok, what kinda machine is that?\nDoctor: Does the skin look red and swollen?\nDwight: That's what she said.\nMichael: That's my joke, damnit Dwight.\nLab Tech: Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment...\nMichael: It's ok, they're with me.\nLab Tech: No metal of any kind.\nMichael: Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off.\nDwight: I don't want to do this.\nMichael: Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out.\nDwight: Oh.\nMichael: Fine. Fine.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.\nJim: Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim.\nPam: Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok?\nJim: Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan.\nPam: I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan.\nJim: Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet.\nPam: Really? Michael went in with him?\nJim: Uh huh.\nPam: Wow.\nJim: But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon.\nPam: Ok, that's uh, good news [Pam sees Angela eavesdropping] Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go.\nJim: Ok.\nPam: Ok. Bye.\nJim: Bye.\nPam: Hey, Oscar?\nOscar: What's up, Pam?\nPam: I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow.\nOscar: Ok...\nPam: I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that.\nLab Tech: Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? [Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner] Stop that. Stop. Stop that.\nOscar: [Jim popping Michael's bubble wrap cast] You should put butter on it.\nMichael: Uh, that's what she said. See, haven't lost my sense of humor. No, no need, it was a non-stick grill.\nJim: I've had a Foreman grill for about six years, I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself, probably because I don't use it as a pillow.\nMichael: I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house. Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few. Very soothing. [to the interviewer] Want to try?\nJim: You know, that's probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast.\nMichael: Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh. Bureaucracy and germs.\nJim: And doctors.\nMichael: Yes, so, no thank you.\nDwight: Pssht.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: Constructing a home-made cast? Genius. Filled with foresight. Like in the pioneer times, if you lost a leg, they would then use the bone of the leg for a cane. They wasted nothing.\nMichael: Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk. Pam, could I have a word with you in my office? [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh. Alright.\nRyan: My assignment is to make a temporary disabled parking permit for Michael Scott.\nAngela: Ooo! Who made popcorn? [Michael rubbing butter on his foot]\nToby: [on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time.\nMichael: Yeah, I've been sayin that.\nToby: Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we're including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward.\nMichael: Did you know I used to be in HR?\nToby: I'm sorry?\nMichael: I used to be in HR. I was a Hell raiser.\nToby: Uh, ok.\nMichael: Right? [laughs]\nToby: Uh, great. Why don't we move on?\nMichael: Alright. Movin' on.\nToby: Great. Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call]\nMichael: Ry-an. You're here. Whatcha got, whatcha got? Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused. Where's Little Man Tate?\nRyan: They were out.\nMichael: Oh come on.\nRyan: At three different places.\nMichael: Oh man. It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy.\nMichael: Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food. You know how they say 'stuff a cold'? Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon.\nDwight: Look, I feel fine. As a volunteer sheriff's deputy I have been trained to notice all the signs of a concussion. One of them is slurred speech, ok? Number three, shortness of breath. There are four things you have to remember. One: I am faster than 80% of all snakes. Also.\nDoctor: We need to get your friend into the CT machine.\nDwight: Into a machine?! Ok. Uh, that's bad, will you stay with me?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Ok, will you please call my cousin Mose?\nMichael: No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin. Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm.\nDwight: Oh God. Oh God.\nMichael: Guh-od.\nDwight: Oh God.\nMichael: Ok, I'll stand near you.\nDwight: Next to me?\nMichael: Next-ish.\nJim: I'm gonna pull the car around.\nMichael: Shh shh shh shh.\nJim: Do you speak Spanish?\nMichael: No. Do you?\nJim: No, I don't."}
{"text": "Jim: Not much what's up with you?\nPam: Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God.\nMichael: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.\nJim: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?\nMichael: What's up-dog?\nJim: Nothin' much what's up with you?\nMichael: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!\nMichael: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?\nStanley: I'm on the phone.\nMichael: Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?\nRyan: What's that?\nMichael: I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?\nRyan: Huh?\nMichael: [low] No, damn it!\nKevin: What does that mean?\nMichael: What does what mean?\nKevin: The thing you just said?\nMichael: Just forget it.\nMichael: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?\nDwight: What's up-dog?\nMichael: Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?\nDwight: Good. How are you doing?\nJim: [mouthing] So close.\nMichael: [low] Damn it.\nMichael: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a...\nDwight: Empty mind.\nMichael: No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say.\nDwight: Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar?\nAngela: He's out sick.\nDwight: That's unacceptable.\nAngela: I agree it's unacceptable. [longing look]\nKevin: Whhh... What are you guys doing?\nDwight: Michael.\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Oscar is out sick.\nMichael: On a Friday? [Dwight nods]\nDwight: Can I do some of the talking?\nMichael: I will do all the talking.\nDwight: Ok, let him know that I'm here.\nOscar: Hello.\nMichael: What difference does it make whether your here?\nOscar: Hello?\nMichael: Hi, Oscar its Michael.\nDwight: And Dwight.\nMichael: Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?\nOscar: Yeah I think I came down with the flu.\nMichael: Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.\nOscar: Yeah, I feel terrible about it.\nDwight: Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D.\nMichael: What are your symptoms?\nOscar: I have the chills.\nMichael: Umm, hmmm.\nOscar: I feel nauseous and my heads killing.\nDwight: Checks out.\nOscar: Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed.\nMichael: I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend.\nOscar: I'll just be sleep- [Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish]\nDwight: Ok. First impressions?\nMichael: He sounded sick.\nDwight: Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.\nMichael: That's exactly what I was thinking.\nDwight: Question? May I investigate?\nMichael: Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.\nPam: I bought my veil.\nKelly: Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?\nPam: Ummm...\nKelly: Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair?\nPam: Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and...\nKelly: You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry.\nMichael: Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you.\nJim: Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant.\nJim: Hey Michael.\nMichael: Hey Jim-bag.\nJim: Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great.\nMichael: Really?\nJim: Umm, hmm.\nMichael: Who else knows?\nJim: Nobody.\nMichael: Wow!\nMichael: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.\nMichael: My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed... Bangles.\nJim: Alright. Great. Thank you.\nMichael: [singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us...\nDwight: Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?\nRyan: Yeah, I think I can handle it.\nDwight: Do you\nRyan: I think.\nDwight: [low] Oh God, here.\nMichael: Hey, whatcha gettin'?\nJim: I'm going with grape.\nMichael: Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?\nJim: Which one?\nMichael: Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the 'P' situation?\nJim: I don't know what you mean.\nMichael: P-A-M. P-A\nJim: Uh, uh, ok.\nMichael: No it's okay, we're talking code.\nStanley: What is?\nMichael: Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?\nJim: I'm going to take off actually.\nMichael: Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding?\nStanley: Hmm?\nMichael: [Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it.\nDwight: Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy.\nDwight: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.\nMichael: It's Grrrrrrape! Soda.\nJim: Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more.\nMichael: Not so much.\nDwight: Ok, what is going on here?\nMichael: Nothing.\nDwight: Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.\nMichael: Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.\nDwight: Ok. So what is the secret Michael?\nJim: Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.\nDwight: Is that true?\nMichael: Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.\nDwight: Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.\nMichael: Ok.\nDwight: I can tell. I won't let you down.\nMichael: Good.\nJim: Thanks.\nMichael: Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch?\nJim: I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.\nMichael: Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk], no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.\nJim: No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here.\nMichael: Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who.\nJim: Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out.\nMichael: I know just he place.\nMichael: [at Hooters] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?\nMichael: Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.\nMichael: Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi.\nDana: Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters.\nMichael: We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.\nJim: Nope we're not brothers.\nMichael: I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.\nJim: Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks.\nDana: And for you?\nMichael: Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?\nDana: Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce.\nMichael: Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles]\nDana: Is that what you really want?\nMichael: No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.\nDana: Great.\nDwight: Who took all the black ones?\nPam: That's a communal bowl.\nDwight: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?\nPam: Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know.\nDwight: Sniffling how?\nPam: Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?\nDwight: Three.\nPam: Ok, it was the second one.\nDwight: Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it?\nPam: Nuh-uh.\nMichael: What do you like best about Pam?\nJim: Uh, I really don't want to talk about it.\nMichael: Is it her boobs, or...\nJim: Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor.\nMichael: Really?\nJim: Uh-huh.\nMichael: Never get's any of my jokes.\nJim: What about you?\nMichael: Her boobs, definitely.\nJim: Wow, that's not what I meant.\nDana: Here you go.\nMichael: Oh, thank you.\nDana: And I understand we have a birthday today.\nMichael: Ohhh happy birthday Jim!\nDana: Ready girls? Front side.\nHooter's Girls: You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo!\nJim: Thank you.\nMichael: Woo! Yeah!\nJim: Thanks, thanks Dana.\nMichael: Thank you very much.\nMichael: Hilarious. Hey.\nPam: What did you guys talk about?\nJim: [Holds up Hooters t-shirt] Just you know politics, literature.\nPam: I hate you.\nDwight: Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.\nMichael: Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.\nDwight: Including prep time?\nMichael: Just do it.\nRyan: If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.\nMichael: [Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's] Expenses.\nKevin: Michael is that a wig?\nMichael: No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?\nKevin: No.\nAngela: This is from Hooters.\nMichael: Yeah, it's a business lunch.\nAngela: Did Toby approve this?\nMichael: No he did not. I don't need his permission.\nToby: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?\nMichael: Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?\nMichael: I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.\nToby: I'm not processing this.\nMichael: Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?\nToby: He seems fine to me.\nMichael: You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?\nKelly: Pam?\nPhylis: Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy?\nAngela: It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy.\nKevin: Jim has got it bad for Pam.\nCreed: Oh ho! Which one is Pam?\nKevin: Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?\nMichael: You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.\nDwight: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved.\nKelly: Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam?\nJim: Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I [hesitate] don't. Riveting.\nKevin: Nice... she is\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Did you find anything good in your desk?\nJim: Ah, coupon for a free sandwich.\nPam: Score.\nJim: It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago.\nPam: Big day.\nJim: Big day.\nJim: Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.\nPam: Oh.\nJim: Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael.\nPam: Right.\nJim: And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean.\nPam: No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started.\nJim: Oh you did?\nPam: No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well.\nJim: No, no, you saw through me, great.\nPam: So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?\nJim: Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay.\nPam: Mmm, hmm.\nJim: And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.\nPam: Cool.\nJim: Ok.\nDwight: Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.\nGil: Who's this?\nDwight: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?\nGil: Gil.\nOscar: Are you going to tell Michael?\nDwight: How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.\nDwight: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: I know, I know, I know.\nJim: Umm, what happened?\nMichael: I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid.\nJim: Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal.\nMichael: Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just.\nJim: Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?\nMichael: Yeah I'm good.\nJim: Good.\nRyan: Creed did you organize the menu book?\nCreed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.\nRyan: No, that was mandatory.\nCreed: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.\nPam: Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay?\nMichael: Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim.\nPam: Oh, no, that's, you don't have to.\nMichael: No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend.\nPam: No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so.\nMichael: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.\nPam: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?\nMichael: Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out.\nJim: Ready?\nPam: Yep.\nMichael: People are always coming to me. 'Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.' No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.\nMichael: Hello. Pammy want a cracker?\nPam: No thanks. You got a package.\nMichael: Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs]\nDwight: And he's lining it up. Seems pretty straightforward from here. If Michael Scott sinks it, he'll win a Buick signed by Tiger Woods.\nMichael: Oh!\nDwight: He totally misses,\nMichael: No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that's much harder to do.\nDwight: Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This'll be much harder.\nMichael: No, no, no, no. I don't want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael's desk]\nMichael: All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie.\nDwight: Jack Nicholas.\nMichael: It's a celebrity tournament.\nDwight: [golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat]\nMichael: Do you see it?\nDwight: Oh, man, it's really back there.\nMichael: Do you feel it?\nDwight: Yeah. I can barely...\nMichael: [mug falls off Michel's desk and smashes on the floor] God... damn it, Dwight! That's great.\nDwight: Should I clean out my desk?\nMichael: [pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won't be necessary.\nDwight: Don't be fooled by the phrase 'dust bunnies.' They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed.\nMichael: Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away.\nDwight: If they're the worker bees, you're the Queen bee.\nMichael: No, I am the King bee,\nDwight: Queen's higher.\nMichael: No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee.\nRyan: People Magazine, crossword puzzle, keep or toss?\nMichael: Keep. I will finish that later.\nRyan: It's from '99.\nMichael: Yeah, I know when it's from, Ryan.\nRyan: 18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank.' Michael wrote, 'Judd?'\nMichael: Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don't believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody's feelings got hurt.\nDwight: Temp, shouldn't you be monitoring the progress of people's cleaning efforts?\nRyan: Everything seems pretty much under control.\nDwight: Yeah. Well, I'd hate to see it blow up in your face.\nRyan: How would...\nDwight: Let's table that. So, temp... You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar.\nRyan: Not really.\nDwight: Getting defensive?\nRyan: No.\nDwight: You seem a little nervous. You shouldn't be.\nMichael: Thank you, Dana.\nDana: Sure.\nMichael: Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday.\nJim: Wow. Thanks.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nJim: No, you what, seriously, you should have it.\nMichael: No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it'll be hysterical.\nJim: Oh, tomorrow, that's gonna be tough 'cause I already laid out my outfit, so...\nMichael: Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You'd better try it on, make sure it fits."}
{"text": "Ryan: [catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk] What?\nJim: Oh, nothing.\nJim: Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that.\nRyan: [again catching Jim looking at him] What?\nJim: Oh, nothing.\nRyan: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.\nMichael: Spamster!\nPam: Um, Pam plus Spam plus...?\nMichael: Hamster.\nPam: Right.\nMichael: Welcome back! How was your vacation?\nPam: It was great.\nMichael: Yeah?\nPam: Mm-hm.\nMichael: Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!\nPam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.\nMichael: I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck!\nPam: What?\nMichael: Wow! What happened in there?\nPam: I don't know.\nMichael: There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that?\nPam: [looking at pile on Michel's carpet] Oh... I don't know.\nMichael: Is it a bird?\nPam: No, I don't think it's a bird.\nMichael: Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet.\nKevin: What's goin' on?\nMichael: Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office.\nKevin: [taking a look] I don't think that's vomit.\nMichael: Check it out.\nKevin: Me?\nMichael: Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee.\nKevin: Oh, that's ridiculous.\nMichael: What is it?\nKevin: Michael. [tapping on door]\nMichael: What is it? No, just tell me what it is.\nKevin: [pounding on door] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long.\nPam: Open the door up!\nKevin: It smelled\nPam and others: [after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly]\nMichael: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.\nToby: That's no burst pipe.\nMichael: How do you know that? What is it, then?\nCreed: Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup?\nMichael: [as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office]\nDwight: [coughing] It's still stinky.\nMichael: That is worse.\nDwight: She probably scrubbed it\nMichael: [while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... [clearing throat] I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second. No!\nJim: Hey! Welcome back!\nPam: Thanks!\nJim: So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot?\nPam: A little.\nJim: Good! What's goin' on here?\nJim: What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting.\nRyan: [barely stifling laughter] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. [regaining composure] It was not me.\nJim: [smelling the stink] Oh. Wow.\nPam: [giggles at Roy]\nMichael: [sitting at Jim's desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.\nJim: That might be a little difficult with the one computer.\nMichael: Oh... It's ...\nJim: But there's definitely a desk open in the back.\nMichael: [reluctantly] Yeah ...\nJim: ...which I guess I'll be taking.\nMichael: No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing.\nJim: No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back.\nJim: Hey, Kelly.\nKelly: Are you moving back here?\nJim: Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk.\nKelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy.\nJim: Allergy to... the desk?\nKelly: [shaking head] Weird.\nMichael: [putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen.\nDwight: [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen.\nMichael: Don't ape me.\nDwight: Okay.\nMichael: This is great.\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: The pressures of my office are insane.\nDwight: [agreeing] Mm.\nMichael: I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here.\nDwight: No way!\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: And who had your office?\nMichael: Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, 'Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.' What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.\nKelly: [to Jim] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit...\nMichael: You know who used to sit at that desk?\nDwight: That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?\nMichael: Mm-mm. Todd Packer.\nDwight: No!\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: I thought he was out on the road.\nMichael: He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes.\nDwight: Ah.\nMichael: When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that\nMichael: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.\nStanley: [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer?\nMichael: Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay.\nMichael: Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.\nCreed: [after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for?\nMichael: Charley horse!\nCreed: What?\nMichael: Charley horse!\nCreed: You shouldn't have hit me, Michael.\nMichael: Oh, okay. Gah.\nMichael: Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical.\nKelly: [to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones...\nRyan: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair.\nJim: It's the lever on the side.\nRyan: That's what I told him. Thanks. [leaves]\nKelly: Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?\nJim: No, I don't think I can...\nKelly: Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him\nMichael: [whispering] Dwight.\nDwight: [whispering] Michael.\nMichael: Let's send up Accounting.\nDwight: What?\nMichael: Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead.\nMichael: Hey guys.\nOscar: Hey, Michael.\nMichael: Ahem. What's up?\nOscar: Hey, Dwight.\nMichael and Dwight: [as they throw accountants' files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules!\nDwight: Yeah! [laughing]\nMichael: Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing]\nDwight: Should we help 'em pick up their stuff?\nMichael: No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.\nDwight: Okay.\nMichael: Watch out, Pam. You're next!\nPam: You're gonna throw my things on the ground?\nMichael: Maybe!\nOscar: What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it... it was still wrong.\nMichael: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.\nMichael: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.\nDwight: [on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I'm totally gonna win us that box set.\nMichael: Stop.\nDwight: Jethro Tull...\nMichael: Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don't. Don't.\nDwight: I need to make a sales call. Please?\nMichael: All right.\nDwight: [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller?\nPam: [to Roy in Jim's earshot] ...back so soon.\nRoy: We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe.\nPam: Yeah, right.\nRoy: Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something.\nPam: Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend.\nKelly: [to unseen co-worker] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30.\nPam: [to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding?\nRoy: No.\nMichael: Hi, guys.\nAngela: We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit.\nMichael: I'm just walking around.\nAngela: Were you?\nMichael: Well, yeah.\nOscar: It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael.\nMichael: Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?\nPhyllis: You're gonna compete against us?\nMichael: Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on!\nDwight: It is so on!\nMichael: God, this is gonna be fun.\nDwight: Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!\nMichael: [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously]\nDarryl: [walking by with new carpet] What... What's that? Whatcha doing?\nMichael: [stops dance] Nothing.\nRoy: [laughing] I think he's dancing.\nMichael: No. Just ...\nDarryl: That was definitely not dancing.\nMichael: You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just...\nDarryl: Paper business.\nMichael: Yeah, paper business. Is this done?\nRoy: Nope.\nMichael: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps]\nPam: Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know.\nCreed: [to Oscar] Who do you think did it?\nOscar: Are you kidding? I thought it was you.\nCreed: Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael's earshot]\nMichael: This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.\nMichael: You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today.\nPam: That doesn't seem fair.\nMichael: You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage.\nDwight: But you're the one who picked today.\nMichael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about.\nStanley: That's not what a hate crime is.\nMichael: Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished.\nPam: What's our punishment?\nMichael: You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring]\nJim: Hey!\nRyan: What's up?\nJim: Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward.\nRyan: What?\nJim: What do you think of Kelly?\nRyan: I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... [notices camera] Umm... She's really cool.\nJim: Are you interested in her?\nRyan: Yeah, totally.\nJim: Really?\nRyan: Did she say something?\nJim: She said lots of things.\nRyan: Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out?\nJim: I have no idea.\nRyan: Can you find out?\nJim: Yeah. Sure.\nKelly: [to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?\nMichael: Do you remember Ed Truck?\nCreed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?\nMichael: How would I know?\nCreed: I thought you might.\nMichael: My biggest fear is turning into him.\nCreed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.\nMichael: [sighs] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?\nMichael: [meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back.\nEd: Yeah. Should we go upstairs?\nMichael: Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now.\nEd: So, what's the problem with my pension?\nMichael: Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.\nEd: Well, what was done?\nMichael: I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible.\nEd: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.\nMichael: Really?\nEd: Yeah.\nMichael: Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you?\nEd: You can't expect to be friends with everybody.\nMichael: Well... s-sure I can.\nEd: No. They'll always think of you as a boss first.\nMichael: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.\nEd: I'm not sure that ever happens.\nMichael: Well, okay. Different management styles.\nEd: Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?\nMichael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, 'Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.'\nJim: [on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye.\nKelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone!\nJim: Yep.\nMichael: [on phone] Yes.\nTodd Packer: Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.\nMichael: Who is this? How did you get this number?\nPacker: Your mom, you gay nerd!\nMichael: Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'?\nTodd: Hey, did you get that package I left for you?\nMichael: Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?\nPacker: It was pretty big.\nMichael: Really?\nPacker: Yeah.\nMichael: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?\nPacker: Left it in the middle of your office.\nMichael: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?\nRoy: You mean the thing?\nPacker: [laughs uproariously]\nMichael: Are you kidding me? Oh!\nPacker: Special delivery!\nMichael: That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you.\nPacker: Sit on the throne, Michael.\nMichael: Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer!\nMichael: It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out.\nJim's voicemail: You have seven unheard messages.\nPam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back!\nPam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.\nPam: [voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.\nPam: [voicemail message for Jim] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you.\nPam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.\nPam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow.\nPam: [voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.\nDwight: I think this whole disaster on Michael's carpet happened for a good reason. Him sitting next to me is a huge gift. This girl I know would say that it was a gift from God, but I don't know about all that.\nAngela: Obviously, this was Kevin. This is his sense of humor exactly.\nKevin: There are so many people with motives, even me. Almost everyone is a suspect. Whoever did this is a genius. [laughs]\nKelly: That looks, cool, where is that?\nJim: What?\nKelly: That hotel, it looks so romantic.\nJim: Oh, just somewhere in the Poconos. I was just surfing.\nKelly: I went with my parents to the Shadowbrook Farm once. That was also really romantic. Oh, my God, I wish a boy would take me there. I would need a fun new top. You know what a great color is on me? Lavender, actually.\nJim: Just give me one second. I'm just gonna grab something to eat.\nJim: Hey.\nToby: Hey.\nJim: So, you used to share that cubicle with Kelly, right?\nToby: Mmm-hmm.\nJim: And then you just changed desks, right?\nToby: Yeah.\nJim: To one without a cubicle.\nToby: Yeah.\nJim: So, you just couldn't take it anymore, huh?\nToby: What are you talking about?\nJim: So, that's how it's gonna be.\nToby: Yeah.\nToby: Honestly, I don't even hear her anymore. It's like waves crashing against the beach.\nMichael: [on the phone] Okay, that quantity of cotton fiber will cost you... my screen disappeared. I know. I will click on the bottom and... Yes. I'm getting one of those little hourglass things. Used to have a price chart on the wall, now it's a little hourglass thing with an arrow next to it. Now it's just an hourglass thing. Uh-huh, yeah, well, or I can call you back. Okay.\nDwight: [on the phone] Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So...\nStanley: ...cases of typical format and coated white paper. Okay, thanks again so much. All right, bye-bye.\nPhyllis: 20 cartons of it's coming, on it's way.\nMichael: What's going on? Anything here?\nStanley: Yes.\nMichael: Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or...\nStanley: A sale.\nMichael: Ah. Small?\nStanley: Big.\nMichael: Huge?\nStanley: Just big.\nMichael: Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or...\nStanley: Big.\nDwight: [on the phone] Good. No, I completely understand, times are a little tight right now. If it's alright with you though, I will just give you a call back next month. Great, thank you so much. Goodbye.\nMichael: What was that?\nDwight: What?\nMichael: You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you?\nDwight: You're the one who trained me, Michael.\nMichael: Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog?\nDwight: You most certainly did not.\nMichael: No, I did not.\nDwight: What can I do better?\nMichael: Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke.\nDwight: I'm not good at jokes.\nMichael: Do you know a joke?\nDwight: My cousin Mose told me a joke.\nMichael: Call a client right now.\nDwight: Okay.\nMichael: And tell him the joke.\nDwight: I will.\nMichael: Strike while the iron's hot. A joke always works.\nDwight: [on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please.\nMichael: Just sell it.\nDwight: [on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I'm calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can't think? A nun who has a beet for a head. ... No, I'm Catholic, too.\nMichael: Give me the phone.\nDwight: [on the phone] I understand.\nMichael: Give me the phone.\nDwight: [on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I...\nMichael: Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line.\nDwight: [on the phone] Humor works in...\nMichael: The old one two. Let's do it.\nDwight: [on the phone] ...crazy ways. I'm going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It's Howard Gruber.\nMichael: [on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he's a little... Little dim. He's the janitor's brother, so...\nDwight: That's not true.\nMichael: [on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can't even find their way to work? That is Dwight.\nDwight: [whispering] He's my best customer.\nMichael: [on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper.\nDwight: But that's my sale. This is my sale, Michael!\nMichael: [on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I'm glad it timed out that way.\nDwight: What Michael doesn't understand is that when I worked in the fast food industry I was actually commended by management for the three 'M's. McService, McCompetence and McPunctuality.\nRoy: [laughing] You gotta drink on that one. Too bad.\nDarryl: Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo'fo, mo'fo.\nRoy: You ready?\nDarryl: Mmm-hmm. [thumping] [Roy groaning] Now you've got to drink.\nDwight: Okay, look, I know what you're gonna say. That I'm not standing up for myself. But you know what? It's complicated and I really don't appreciate all the badgering.\nAngela: You could out-sell Michael any day.\nMichael: I really thought these people were my friends. My best friend since kindergarten, Elliot, that's a friend. Best friend ever. I should call him. Wonder where he lives."}
{"text": "Jan: So, I'm happy to be here. It's very nice to see all of you. You're all looking well.\nPam: Today's a 'women in the workplace' thing. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I don't really know what. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times.\nJan: Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So...\nMichael: [knocks] Hey, what's going on?\nJan: Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here.\nMichael: Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.\nJan: What are you doing?\nMichael: Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads...\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason.\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: They did this up in Albany...\nJan: You are not allowed in this session.\nMichael: And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so...\nJan: Now you're really not allowed in this session.\nMichael: Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like...\nJan: I'm your boss.\nMichael: [stands up] Anybody want any coffee or...\nJan: We're fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please.\nMichael: Women in the workplace... yeah, translation 'I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.' Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!\nJan: Ladies, I am so, so sorry. Can we start again? We were on such a roll. I... I... really apologize.\nPam: Jan.\nJan: Yes, Pam?\nPam: Michael's still at the door.\nJan: Michael!\nJan: [in the background] So one obstacle is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women. Men who are assertive will be admired. They're called... anyone?\nDwight: It's a terrible idea.\nJim: What is?\nDwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.\nMichael: Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this!\nMichael: [in the background] Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap.\nMichael: Let's just clap. Ready? [clapping] Yeah! Yeah!\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: That's what I'm talking about!\nJan: I don't know what you're doing here, Michael,\nMichael: Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing.\nJan: ... but it's very destructive.\nMichael: Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?\nJan: Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?\nMichael: We have nowhere else Jan. This...\nDwight: We could do it in the warehouse.\nJan: Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse.\nMichael: OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works.\nMichael: Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months.\nDwight: Remember on Lost when they met the Others?\nJan: I'm so sorry about that... um... so where were we? Pam, are you okay taking notes then?\nPam: Mmmhmm.\nJan: Please? Thank you. very much.\nMichael: So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear?\nDarryl: My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time.\nMichael: You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing.\nRoy: Why?\nMichael: Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy...\nRoy: I don't understand.\nMichael: Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing.\nKevin: [talking to Jim] I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.\nJim: Thanks for the head's up, Kev.\nKevin: I've got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.\nMichael: [points at math equasion on chalkboard] Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. A little 'Good Will Hunting' situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.\nJan: Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking.\nMeredith: Hi. I'm Meredith and I'm an alch... good at supplier relations.\nJan: Great. Phyllis?\nPhyllis: I'm good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that.\nAngela: [disbelieving] Really?\nPhyllis: I don't know. I thought that I wasn't going to be asked that...\nJan: No. Okay. Stop. Go on...\nAngela: I've seen some of your spreadsheets.\nPhyllis: Really? I thought they were pretty...\nPam: I don't know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um... I mean we get along great. Fine. Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with is...\nRoy: Jim... Halpert. Hey uh, I, uh, you know heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam.\nJim: Oh, no, no. No.\nRoy: No, it's cool, because I know you're a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so... you know. We're cool, right?\nJim: Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely.\nRoy: You know, it's great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She's not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home.\nJim: Yeah. I like talking to her too.\nRoy: So, we're cool, right?\nJim: Yes. Yeah.\nRoy: All right.\nJim: Yep. Cool, man.\nRoy: Sweet.\nKevin: [blows a sigh of relief]\nDarryl: Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today.\nMichael: Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there.\nDarryl: The experience...\nMichael: Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?\nDwight: Okay. Let's go. Step up.\nMichael: Check this out! Look at that! Look at that [squeezes blow-up doll] bwup-bwa! [talks in girly voice] Hello! How are... [regular voice] Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff.\nMeredith: In five years, I'd like to be... five years sober.\nJan: That is an excellent goal.\nMeredith: Four and a half.\nKelly: I'll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan.\nJan: Great! Uh-huh?\nKelly: I want an SUV... with three rows of seats.\nWomen: [general murmuring of agreement]\nJan: Well, I'll be honest. One of the goals of these women seminars is to feel out if there's any standouts. Women who could be a valuable addition to our Corporate life.\nDwight: Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation.\nJim: Ponies.\nDwight: No.\nRyan: How about rainbows?\nDwight: No.\nJim: Flowers.\nDarryl: It's dangerous, Michael. Come on, get off this.\nMichael: Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself.\nDarryl: Mike.\nMichael: Stand clear.\nDarryl: Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now.\nMichael: I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine.\nDarryl: Look, would ya... look.\nMichael: Oh, oh, oh! We'll get somebody to clean that up.\nDarryl: We're the ones that got to clean that up!\nLonny: Dammit, Michael!\nMichael: We ought to have this thing serviced.\nMichael: So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so...\nMadge: Hey, do you want me to go?\nMichael: No, why? Why would I... ? You could...\nMadge: I'll go.\nMichael: Stay or...\nPhyllis: ...and a big walk-in closet.\nMeredith: Oh, that's part of my dream too.\nKelly: Oh, me too.\nJan: Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream?\nPam: Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though, a husband that I love... Roy. And I love to draw. And I... I did a little in college and I'd still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way.\nPhyllis: She's real good.\nPam: Thanks.\nJan: You know the company is offering a design training program in New York.\nPam: Well... I have a job right now, so I can't really take time off...\nJan: Well, it's only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out.\nPam: Well... it's just that the weekends aren't good because, um...\nJan: There are always a million reasons not to do something.\nMichael: Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know?\nDarryl: My priority is safety.\nMichael: OK.\nDarryl: So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin.\nMichael: OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh...\nDarryl: Uh uh uh. Don't shush me.\nMichael: I... That was just...\nDarryl: That bothers me too.\nMichael: I was breathing.\nRoy: Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.\nMichael: I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men.\nLonny: You know that's a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us?\nMichael: OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it.\nJan: All right. Let's talk about clothing.\nPhyllis: I'm excited about today. [whispers] I love girl talk.\nJan: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. All right. You can use your clothing to send a message about your ambitions by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be.\nAngela: I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman. The head of accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore.\nRoy: I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like 'When are we going to go on a date-date?'\nGuy: I hate that too! [general clapping and agreement]\nDarryl: I hate that too.\nKevin: That sucks so much.\nGuy: It totally sucks.\nDwight: Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like 'Gas ain't free!'\nLonny: Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We're not millionaires.\nMichael: I feel you.\nDarryl: No, you don't. You don't feel us. How can you? You know what?\nDwight: Not literally.\nDarryl: You say we're the same, but we get compensated very differently.\nMichael: Yes.\nDarryl: We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder\nMichael: Ah, you do. So...\nDarryl: But we get paid a lot less.\nDwight: Word.\nRoy: Like next to no benefits.\nMichael: I know. God! What is that?\nRoy: Exactly.\nMichael: It blows. It blows, man. Gah...\nDarryl: You know this would not happen if we had a union.\nRoy: That's what I'm talking about.\nMichael: No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah.\nRoy: Absolutely.\nDarryl: That's what we need.\nGuy: You know you're right.\nDarryl: Man, see... That's what I've been sayin', man. We need to do this finally.\nMichael: You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys.\nDarryl: It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker's Union?\nRoy: In my truck.\nMichael: Dockworker's?\nDarryl: Man, hook you up.\nMen: [generalized clapping]\nGuy: Come on, man.\nMichael: Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks.\nDarryl: Union! Union, yeah.\nMichael: The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them.\nDarryl: Are you with us Mike?\nMichael: Yeah-es.\nDarryl: Welcome to the warehouse.\nGroup chant: Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi...\nJan: Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I'm sure that all of you have felt that before...\nMichael: [knocks] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points...\nJan: What? A union! What...\nMichael: Don't get hysterical.\nJan: I'm not...\nMichael: Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.\nMichael: Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons?\nJan: The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think... the... pros... are... here?\nMichael: Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you.\nJan: You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out.\nMichael: But we're bonding down there!\nJan: That's too bad.\nMichael: I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear.\nJan: I don't want to...\nMichael: Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through...\nJan: Michael! Michael! Michael!\nMichael: We have a history...\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: ...between us.\nJan: Don't say another word.\nMichael: I won't\nJan: Get yourself down stairs.\nMichael: I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever.\nRyan: You know what... we could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line.\nStanley: This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs.\nJan: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly but a ... many women ask to go over it. So... Fumble means...\nPhyllis: Mistake.\nMeredith: Slip.\nJan: Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better, that doesn't make sense.\nKelly: What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal?\nJan: Excuse me?\nKelly: I mean that's a baseball term, right?\nJan: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.\nKelly: [in the background] ...and you went to Chili's and he got to second base with you.\nJan: [in the background] Kelly, I don't know what Michael's talking about.\nKelly: [in the background] He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term...\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey!\nPam: How's it going down there?\nJim: It's a complete... well, actually it's exactly what you'd expect, so... How are the girls?\nPam: Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies.\nJim: Did you really?\nPam: No. [laughs]\nJim: Oh.\nPam: Almost.\nJim: Good.\nPam: Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. There's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great.\nJim: Nice. Well, what's it all about?\nPam: Um...\nJim: I think you should do it. That's great!\nPam: It's really cool.\nMichael: Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this?\nAngela: Are you married?\nJan: I'm divorced.\nPhyllis: That must have been hard.\nJan: It was. Yes.\nKelly: You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael.\nJan: I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff.\nPhyllis: Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck.\nAngela: At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God.\nJan: Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five.\nKelly: How can someone so beautiful be so sad?\nMichael: Hi.\nJan: Did you take care of the situation?\nMichael: Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially...\nJan: Excuse me.\nMichael: I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some...\nJan: Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that [snaps her fingers]. They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael.\nPam: Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. It's nice but... um... I don't know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me.\nJim: So you're not doing it.\nPam: How did you know?\nJim: Why not?\nPam: Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons.\nJim: Come on.\nPam: Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's going to lead to anything anyway.\nJim: Roy said that.\nPam: What? You have something you want to say?\nJim: You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?\nPam: Oh, excuse me! I'm fine with my choices!\nJim: You are?\nPam: Yeah.\nPam: It's impractical. I'm not going to try to get a house like that. Um... they don't even make houses like that in Scranton. So, I'm never going to... .\nMichael: I'm just going to put this over there.\nDarryl: This is not a good idea right here.\nMichael: You did uh... okay.\nMichael: Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?\nMichael: Hey. Um... look guys, I'm sorry. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch.\nAll the Men: Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah.\nMichael: Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship.\nMichael: Thank you to our hosts.\nDarryl: Hey Michael. This ain't over.\nMichael: Ahhh! Excellent.\nMichael: Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh... hold, please.\nMichael: Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring.\nPam: You did?\nMichael: And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing]\nPam: How about that one?\nMichael: No, no. [blues piano playing]\nJim: Oh, that one was good.\nMichael: Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, 'I am so lame.' Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about?\nJim: Do you mean vibrate?\nMichael: Yes.\nRoy: Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point.\nDwight: Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car.\nRoy: Really?\nDwight: Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit!\nMichael: What are you guys talking about?\nDwight and Roy: [at the same time] Guns.\nMichael: Cool.\nRoy: How's that union stuff coming?\nMichael: Working on it.\nRoy: Yeah.\nMichael: Yup.\nRoy: Okay.\nMichael: All right.\nDwight: Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! [Darryl's office window shatters] Sorry.\nDarryl: That's my office.\nDwight: There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, 'There's no place like home.' And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? [sighs] It's gonna drive me crazy."}
{"text": "Pam: I really like Valentine's Day in this office. It's kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card, with Dwight's head on it, it was horrifying and funny and...\nPam: [Delivery man enters with a bouquet of red roses. Pam stands up to look at card.] Phyllis.\nDelivery man: Would you sign here? [Phyllis gets up from desk and walks over.]\nPam: Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big.\nMeredith: Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'\nPhyllis: Isn't he sweet?\nMeredith: Yeah. Wow.\nMichael: Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. [Dwight holds up passport.] Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO.\nDwight: And you want me to come with you.\nMichael: Nope. The opposite of that.\nDwight: I will stay here and run things on this end.\nMichael: Ok, good.\nDwight: Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York?\nMichael: I probably will, why do you ask?\nDwight: Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know...\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: Screwed.\nMichael: What\nMichael: This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love.\nMichael: Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything?\nPam: That's OK.\nMichael: Alright.\nOscar: The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO.\nMichael: Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya!\nMichael: Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.\nJim: So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else, so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they're idiots. It's gonna be great.\nDwight: What's this? What is this?\nJim: I dunno, it's on\nDwight: Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose?\nJim: It was there when I sat down.\nDwight: [opens box and reads card] Happy Valentine's Day. [pulls out bobble head] It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! [Angela smirks in background] Ahh!\nMichael: The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. [Michael walks toward Sbarro.]\nJim: Hey Kelly. What's up?\nKelly: Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome.\nJim: OH, that's great. I'm really happy for [starts to walk away]\nKelly: And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like 'Ryan, what's taking you so long?' And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say.\nJim: Wow.\nKelly: So I said, 'Ryan, what took you so long?' And I just said that to him, can you believe that?\nJim: Wow.\nKelly: Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed.\nJim: No, don't be.\nKelly: Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe.\nJim: I bet.\nKelly: So nervous, but now - now I have a boyfriend.\nJim: Alright. [Kelly squeals]\nRyan: [anguished] I hooked up with her on February 13th.\nMichael: Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. [points] We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here.\nKevin: Woah. [Delivery man with flowers]\nPam: Guess what?\nPhyllis: Really, Oh, they're from Bob again.\nPam: That's great. [Meredith scowls]\nMichael: Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.\nMichael: This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey [points]. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? [walks over] OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were [Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael], OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. [to camera] Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh.\nDwight: Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten.\nAngela: Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.\nDwight: Oh I did. I did.\nAngela: I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day.\nDwight: Oh, I bet you will before the day is over.\nAngela: Really? Well, I hope I do.\nMichael: I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. [Michael sees it's the end of a street.] OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it.\nJim: [on phone] Nah that's alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That's fine. No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye.\nKevin: Woah, woah [Delivery man with oversized bear]\nDelivery man: Phyllis Lapin.\nPam: OH, Holy God!\nDelivery man: It's from Bob.\nKevin: Man, that thing's bigger than I am.\nDelivery man: No, it's not.\nKevin: Oh zip it.\nMichael: There they are. What's up? Hey hey.\nCraig: Hey.\nJosh: Michael Scott. [sticks out hand for handshake]\nMichael: Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam.\nJosh: You know Dan Gore from Buffalo.\nMichael: Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists]\nCraig: What's up buddy?\nMichael: You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?\nCraig: Guilty, yeah.\nMichael: So what's going on? What I miss?\nJosh: Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations.\nMichael: Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... [awkward silence]\nDwight: Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately?\nPam: You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here.\nDwight: No, Pam, Just. Just, [tilts head away, towards another room]\nPam: You need to get something for your girlfriend.\nDwight: [same time as Pam] Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of...\nPam: Tightly wound?\nDwight: (smirking) Exactly.\nPam: Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is.\nDwight: You mean, like a ham?\nPam: No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her.\nDwight: Ok, I get it.\nPam: That you remember her.\nDwight: Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves]\nJosh: What about you, Craig, you lose anyone?\nCraig: Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said 'You gotta fire four people,' and I was just like, 'What?' Ya know?\nJosh: Did you?\nCraig: No, I just ignored her. She's the worse.\nJosh: She is our boss.\nCraig: She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch.\nMichael: Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it.\nCraig: What? You like Jan? How can you\nMichael: Maybe because she's my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and...\nJosh: You hooked up with Jan?\nMichael: You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it,\nJosh: Yeah, let's change the subject.\nMichael: Yeah, yeah.\nKelly: I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever.\nJim: Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... [Ryan walks in]\nRyan: Soda.\nKelly: [to Ryan] Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or...\nJim: [under breath] Oh, no, not while I'm here.\nKelly: I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So...\nRyan: I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends.\nKelly: OK, That's cool. I completely understand.\nRyan: Cool. Cool. OK.\nJan: Josh Porter, Stamford.\nDavid: David [to Josh and shakes hands]\nJosh: Nice to meet you.\nJan: And Michael Scott, Scranton.\nDavid: Nice to meet you.\nMichael: Ditto. [to Jan] How are you Jan?\nJan: Fine Michael. Thank you.\nDavid: OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to...\nJan: Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous.\nJosh: So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets.\nDavid: Thanks very much.\nJosh: Thank you.\nDavid: OK, Michael.\nMichael: What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.]\nMichael: [video dialogue for 'The Faces of Scranton'] Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. [video shows Stanley at desk] This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on.\nMichael: Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about.\nMichael: [video dialogue] And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. [video says, 'Great Scott!']\nMichael: Questions?\nDavid: Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great.\nMichael: Yes, thank you.\nDavid: But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well?\nMichael: Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... [hands over report]\nDelivery man: [with flowers] Can you sign?\nPam: Yeah.\nPam: [delivering plant to Oscar's desk] Oscar.\nAngela: Nothing for me?\nPam: [walks away] Join the club.\nKevin: Whose it from? [to Oscar]\nOscar: My mom. [puts card in pocket]\nKelly: It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together.\nJim: You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't.\nKelly: Yeah, it would be so great if he was.\nJim: Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight.\nKelly: Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? [Jim leaves]\nDan: And that about does it, thank you.\nJan: OK. [looks toward Craig] Craig,\nCraig: Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot.\nJan: Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant?\nCraig: I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal.\nDavid: So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch?\nCraig: That is correct, yes.\nJan: Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken?\nCraig: Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know.\nJan: Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch.\nCraig: Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. [David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.]\nMichael: Oh, ok. Alright.\nJan: NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired.\nMichael: No you're not.\nJan: Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together.\nMichael: Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So...\nJan: Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand?\nMichael: Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David.\nJan: Surely, you cannot be serious?\nMichael: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane.\nDwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.\nRoy: Hey babe.\nPam: Hey.\nRoy: You almost ready to go?\nPam: I guess, yeah.\nRoy: What's wrong?\nPam: Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her.\nRoy: What, you're mad at me?\nPam: I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you'd get me\nRoy: Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of you life.\nDavid: You understand this is a very serious situation.\nMichael: No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael]\nDavid: You made a joke?\nMichael: I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins]\nDavid: Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss...\nMichael: I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again.\nJan: Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it.\nDavid: Good. [Michael leaves office]\nPam: Heading out?\nJim: Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.\nPam: Bye. [Jim leaves]\nPhyllis: Goodnight Pam. [Leaves with oversized bear on back.]\nPam: Night Phyllis.\nJan: Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice.\nMichael: Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again.\nJan: Oh, no, it's OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine's Day.\nMichael: Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.]\nJan: Oh.\nMichael: Oy vey... schmear. [Points at Fiddler on the Roof playing at Minskoff Theatre and does a dance.]\nMichael: Everybody, hello, can I have your attention, please? Since it's Valentine's Day, there's something that I wanted to say. I love the women of this office. Pam, I love you.\nPam: Michael's got a few tricks for Valentine's Day. He found a place where you can get 12 plastic roses for $10 and he's got a great line. 'Me so thorny.'\nMichael: I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course.\nMichael: I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman's body? The brains. Because I don't think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff.\nPam: You have any big Valentine's Day plans, Kev?\nKevin: Not really, my fiance is out of town.\nPam: Where is she?\nKevin: I'm not sure. Arizona? Sometimes she doesn't tell me.\nPam: Cool.\nMichael: That's a lot of noodles. How much sodium do you think is in that cup? This place used to be full of hookers and porn shops and it's not that way anymore. There's an old building. That one hasn't been torn down yet, but they will. They'll get to it.\nOscar: Happy Valentine's Day, Meredith.\nMeredith: Thanks.\nCreed: Okay, you take it easy, ace.\nOscar: Here you go, Creed.\nCreed: Hey, thanks, ace.\nCreed: I'm not good with names.\nMichael: This is where it's all happening. We got TGI Fridays. I'm in the picture! Sometimes I just jump into people's pictures. Lot of people have their picture taken. It's kind of a New Yorker thing. You jump in on a tourist's picture and kind of ruin it. There's an energy to New York that you just feel. Um, everybody... Don't get hit. Everybody is kind of together and everybody hates each other, but loves each other at the same time. Screw off! People just yell at each other in New York, and it's great.\nPhyllis: I'm gonna go call Bob.\nVance Refrigeration Worker #1: So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?\nPam: I'm gonna spend it with my fiance.\nVance Refrigeration Worker #1: Okay.\nPam: What are you guys doing?\nVance Refrigeration Worker #1: Probably go grab dinner with my girlfriend. He's gonna be pulling his pud watching Skinemax. [points to Vance Refrigeration Worker #2]\nPam: Nice.\nDwight: Okay, okay. That's enough.\nPhyllis: Hey.\nDwight: Come on, break this up.\nReceptionist: Yes, sure. Mr. Scott, you can head to the conference room. The other managers are already there.\nMichael: Great. Thank you.\nReceptionist: All right.\nMichael: Okay, here's the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, 'Oh there's nothing between us and stop talking about it.' And 'Border-line harassment when you call me at home.' But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine's Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see.\nDwight: How do you spell 'animalian'?\nJim: Animalian?\nDwight: Yes.\nJim: Why?\nDwight: None of your business. I'm writing something.\nJim: You're writing something?\nDwight: Forget it. I'll look it up myself.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: No, you know what? You do it.\nJim: No, I'm not gonna do that.\nDwight: Uh, yes, I'm in charge. You have to. Look it up.\nJim: But I know how to spell it.\nDwight: So tell me.\nJim: Only if you tell me what you're writing.\nDwight: Forget it. I'll do it. But you're getting written up.\nJim: So now you're writing two things?\nJim: Dwight lives on a beet farm and he practices karate at the forth grade level. And he apparently has a girlfriend, so... I guess there really is someone for everybody.\nKevin: [phone ringing] Hi, this is Kevin. Stacy? Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Okay. Yeah, I'll be leaving here soon. Cool. I love you, too. Okay, 'bye. Stacy's back.\nOscar: That's great, man.\nDevon: Hey Scott. Hey. Hey! Hey! Come here! Come here! I want to talk to you. Come here!\nMichael: You know what? It was nice to see Devon again. To sort of get closure on that whole thing."}
{"text": "Michael: Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then...\nDwight: They are either going to say yes... or no.\nMichael: Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say.\nDwight: Think it through.\nMichael: Have to think it through. Because if they say no...\nJim: Can we not?\nMichael: No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted.\nJim: Still want that.\nMichael: Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me.\nCreed: Ryan!\nDwight: Fumble! Yaaah!\nMichael: Hey, Dwight.\nDwight: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!\nMichael: You all right Ryan?\nDwight: Ryan.\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: Pam!\nDwight: Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread?\nJim: Cugino's pizza.\nDwight: Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?\nJim: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so...\nJim: What did I do to deserve this?\nPam: Are you sad that Dwight beat you?\nJim: No.\nPam: Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?\nPhyllis: Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures?\nPam: Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later.\nPhyllis: Oh.\nJim: Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later.\nPam: Ok, cool.\nPam: I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I don't want to offend... Angela... or someone.\nMichael: That's what she said!\nDwight: Ha! I don't get it.\nMichael: Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?\nDwight: Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right?\nMichael: Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.\nMichael: Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year.\nDwight: What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, 'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'\nMichael: That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.\nDwight: When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'.\nDwight: I can't do this.\nMichael: That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.\nDwight: Oh, okay.\nMichael: But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company.\nDwight: Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked.\nMichael: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.\nDwight: I'll try and think of one. When...\nMichael: Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot.\nDwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?\nMichael: Insult.\nPam: Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my...\nJim: Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents?\nJim: I'm going to take a trip. I'm going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here.\nJim: Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um...\nOscar: I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do, but I don't care.\nMichael: [stand up comic voice] But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?\nDwight: Saleswoman has a vagina.\nMichael: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a Sex Ed class.\nDwight: But I'm right?\nMichael: Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs!\nDwight: Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?\nMichael: I do. Both of them.\nDwight: Could I have a copy of one of them?\nMichael: No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this.\nMichael: Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars!\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: [generalized clapping and cheering] Congratulations.\nPhyllis: Unbelievable.\nMichael: You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them.\nDwight: That is so great about the bonus!\nMichael: No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience.\nStanley: Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she...\nPhyllis: It's unbelievable!\nDwight: Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.\nPam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?\nDwight: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.\nStanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?\nDwight: They are unrelated.\nKelly: Is Brad okay?\nDwight: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.\nOscar: What the hell is going on here?\nAngela: Are we out of jobs?\nDwight: Yes.\nKelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.\nMichael: He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible.\nStanley: Michael?\nMichael: Yeah.\nStanley: You said we were getting bonuses.\nMichael: All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.\nStanley: Cancel wallpaper.\nMichael: As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. [speaking to camera] You saw the plaque, right? [to office] All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.\nPam: You mean Toastmasters?\nMichael: Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.\nPam: Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding?\nJim: Can I go?\nMichael: Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.\nJim: So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions?\nKevin: You should go to Hedonism.\nJim: What is that?\nKevin: It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.\nJim: I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice.\nToby: Been to Amsterdam.\nMichael: Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up.\nToby: [mimes lifting a glass] To Amsterdam.\nJim: When did you go there?\nToby: Umm... After my divorce. Yeah.\nJim: Really for like how long?\nToby: Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't...\nCreed: Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me.\nJim: Where do I want to go?\nCreed: I'd send you to Hong Kong.\nCreed: Like to say 'Hi' to my friends in China. [speaks in Chinese]\nMichael: Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today.\nDwight: Good morning, Vietnam! [general groaning] Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates.\nJim: No. We're not.\nDwight: Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager.\nJim: Which means absolutely nothing.\nDwight: Michael, can you explain?\nMichael: Well, it's mostly made up. So...\nMichael: Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.\nMichael: Confidence, Dwight.\nJim: Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?\nDwight: I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone.\nJim: Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip.\nDwight: Oh please! You're not taking any trip.\nJim: You know I majored in Public Speaking in College.\nDwight: You did?\nJim: Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority.\nDwight: Yes. I am.\nJim: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did.\nDwight: Which is?\nJim: You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point.\nJim: Ok, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one [holds up paper]. Originally given by Benito Mussolini.\nJim: Ok, look. I know you are giving this speech on your own\nDwight: I'll glance at it.\nMichael: It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here.\nAngela: The very best of luck to you, Dwight.\nDwight: Thank you, Angela.\nKelly: Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception?\nPam: Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think.\nRyan: You're inviting Jim?\nPam: Of course. He's one of my closest friends.\nMichael: All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right.\nOverhead: [song] You all ready for this?\nAngela: [coughs] [sniffles] I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest.\nKevin: I've never, ever seen you take a sick day.\nAngela: Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us.\nSpeaker: Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute!\nCrowd: [polite clapping]\nMichael: Dwight, they called your name.\nSpeaker: Dwight, how we doing?\nDwight: No, I can't... I ca...\nMichael: All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. [shouts] All right!\nCrowd: [claps]\nMichael: Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?\nKevin: I always set it at 69. [snickers]\nPam: Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date.\nKelly: But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?\nRyan: Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married.\nKelly: Oh.\nPam: Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just...\nRyan: I know what I said.\nMichael: I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. [makes robot sounds] Michael Winslow, anyone?\nMichael: Car starting. [makes car sounds] All right, Dwight Schrute everyone.\nCrowd: [clapping]\nMichael: Good luck. That is a tough crowd.\nDwight: [bangs fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. [waves arm] how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle [waves arms]. A never-ending fight. I say to you [hits podium] and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight!\nCrowd: [clapping]\nDwight: WE ARE WARRIORS!\nCrowd: [clapping and cheering]\nDwight: Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour!\nCrowd: [clapping and cheering]\nDwight: [laughs maniacally] Yeah. Yes!\nOscar: I've got a time share in Key West that might be available.\nJim: Maybe. Thanks.\nRyan: You really think you're going to go?\nJim: Yeah. I'm definitely going.\nRyan: Nice. Send me a postcard.\nRyan: Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know. If I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.\nDwight: No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. [bangs fists]\nCrowd: [claps]\nDwight: Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is...\nCrowd: [shouts] Together that we prevail! [cheering and clapping]\nPam: Australia? I have always wanted to go there?\nJim: I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable.\nPam: That's awesome. Where are you staying?\nJim: I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but...\nPam: When are you leaving?\nJim: I'm... leaving on June 8th.\nPam: Oh.\nJim: Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just...\nPam: Oh yeah. That's too bad.\nJim: Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out?\nPam: It's ok. I got it.\nJim: Alright.\nDwight: Ok, thanks. [to Michael] There you are. What happened?\nMichael: I got thirsty. How'd it go?\nDwight: It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.\nMichael: You would not believe what happened here.\nDwight: What? Something happened?\nMichael: Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.\nDwight: Weird.\nMichael: Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.'\nDwight: Con artist.\nMichael: She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?\nMichael: Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?\nDwight: My future is so bright, Jim. Jim, do you know how bright my future is? It's so bright that... What? Do you know? Is there something I got to wear? Huh?\nJim: Goggles?\nDwight: [imitating '80s rock]\nDwight: And what a lot of people don't understand about sales is that it has so much to do with organization. I have a system in place for keeping track of who I speak to, when I speak to them and what we have discussed. Etcetera.\nMichael: That's it? You're going to end with 'etcetera'? Okay, what's this big organizational system that...\nDwight: Well, do you think I should describe our filing system?\nMichael: That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries.\nDwight: It is?\nMichael: It's your delivery...\nDwight: What is?\nMichael: Our biggest worry.\nDwight: I don't follow.\nMichael: My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That's why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting]\nDwight: Oh, God!\nMichael: See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn.\nDwight: Well, that didn't go well.\nMichael: No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin.\nMichael: All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke.\nDwight: [whispering to Angela] Stop it. [to the office] Two sailors walk into a bar...\nMeredith: Please don't tell a sailor joke.\nDwight: Oh, why not?\nPhyllis: Her nephew's in Iraq.\nMichael: Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water.\nPam: Yes, but they are both in danger.\nMichael: Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go.\nMichael: Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead.\nPhyllis: What are we supposed to talk about?\nMichael: Anything your heart desires.\nPhyllis: I would like to toast to the good fortune I've been having lately...\nMichael: [shouting] Louder!\nPhyllis: I, uh, I met a man and I'm totally in love, and that's a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts...\nMichael: Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next.\nRyan: Why am I next? I thought we'd go in order?\nMichael: Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there.\nRyan: Well... A lot of you know that I'm in business school. And while I'm learning a lot here, a lot, hopefully soon I'll land a challenging full-time or part-time position somewhere else.\nDwight: All right.\nStanley: Way to go, Ryan!\nMichael: Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so...\nMichael: Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death.\nRyan: I got the stamps.\nPam: The ones that say 'love' on them?\nRyan: The ones that say '39 cents.'\nPam: Oh. Doesn't matter.\nRyan: I didn't think it did.\nPam: As soon as they leave, well get Kelly and start.\nRyan: Kelly's helping?\nPam: Is that okay?\nRyan: Yeah, sure.\nMichael: Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know.\nDwight: Oh, no, I don't think this is it.\nMichael: Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room.\nMichael: Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope.\nDwight: Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I'm so in love with her.\nMichael: You're weird.\nDwight: No, no, no. It's totally normal, 'cause she's not a Cylon or anything. She's just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode.\nMichael: Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go.\nMichael: Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? 'Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?' 'Jell-O pudding.' Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. [imitating race car engine] That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. [baby crying] Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude."}
{"text": "Pam: I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel.\nJim: Bribery. Nice.\nPam: Oh, I have more. [Holds up bags of candy]\nMichael: Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w-\nPam: Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. [whispering] 'Cause of the... [points to 'Welcome Daughters!' sign]\nMichael: ... Oh, God is that today?\nPam: I reminded you last night.\nMichael: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in 'Raw,' and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in 'Daddy Daycare.' both great movies, but, still.\nMichael: Well, I'll be in my office.\nPam: Don't you think you should say something?\nMichael: They're cool.\nPam: Michael, I think that as the boss you should really-\nMichael: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.\nJim and Dwight: [in unison] That's Batman.\nMichael: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?\nJim: The ocean.\nMichael: [under his breath] I work with a bunch of nerds.\nDwight: [looks at Sasha] Mmm... hello tiny one.\nToby: [to Sasha] Come on.\nDwight: You are the future!\nKevin: This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's.\nKevin: Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check.\nStanley: Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa.\nMichael: Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her.\nMelissa: I'm in eighth grade.\nMichael: Oh.\nStanley: She's in middle school.\nMichael: Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.\nMichael: It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.\nMichael: [while Jake is throwing things at Michael] They want how many spiral pads?\nMeredith: Um, fif-well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order.\nMichael: Okay.\nMeredith: I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter.\nAngela: Can you put that down there?\nKelly: Yep. [spreads tablecloth]\nToby: [to Sasha] Okay, tell them what you wanted to say.\nSasha: Do you need any help?\nAngela: No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.\nToby: Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw.\nKelly: Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela?\nAngela: I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.\nKelly: God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies!\nRyan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me.\nMichael: [on phone] Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. [Sasha walks in the door] ... Yes. We-yeah, they're very-they're different. [Sasha walks out] Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow.\nPam: Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool.\nAbby: No thanks.\nPam: I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.\nJim: What are you reading?\nAbby: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.\nJim: Aww, best book?\nAbby: Yeah, but I've read it before.\nJim: Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be?\nAbby: Definitely the Aquarium.\nJim: Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped.\nAbby: Sure.\nJim: Really?\nAbby: Mmhmm!\nJim: Yesss. And you're Abby, right?\nAbby: Yeah.\nJim: I'm Jim. [Jim hi-fives Abby] Annnnd... let's sell some paper.\nAbby: Alright.\nJim: Let's start with... your mom.\nMichael: [on phone] Yes. Well... we can... [Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train] uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's- that's alright. [Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk] Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name?\nSasha: Sasha.\nMichael: Nice to meet you.\nSasha: Ooh! [picks up train whistle]\nMichael: Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. [blows into whistle] But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows into whistle] You want to try?\nSasha: Sure. [Sasha blows into whistle continously]\nMichael: All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! [Sasha and Michael laugh]\nJim: [shaking hands with Abby] Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand.\nDwight: There is no way that hurt.\nJim: Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight.\nDwight: Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. [Abby shakes his hand] I don't feel anything. Nothing. [to Jim] You're so weak. [Jake walks over and messes with Dwight's bobbleheads] Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay?\nJake: Do you have any computer games?\nDwight: No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate.\nJake: Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here.\nDwight: You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful.\nJake: Whatever, okay?\nDwight: You can refer to me as Mister Schrute.\nJake: That's your name? Mister Poop?\nDwight: Schrute. Mister Schrute.\nJake: Sure, Mister Poop. [Jake walks away]\nDwight: [quietly] ... Schrute. [Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight]\nSasha: [to Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose?\nMelissa: I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else.\nRyan: Wow.\nMelissa: There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there?\nRyan: No.\nMelissa: You've never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are\nRyan: Uhm...\nMelissa: Come on! [Kelly glares through the door] You have an email address?\nKelly: ...that I thought you should know ...\nStanley: Mmhmm. What?\nKelly: I think something a little fishy is going on. [points to Ryan and Melissa]\nStanley: A little fishy?\nKelly: Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... [Stanley gets up]\nStanley: That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?!\nRyan: Yes, I-\nStanley: Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!\nRyan: Okay.\nRyan: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.\nDwight: [plays the recorder] That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. [reading from book] The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off!\nMichael: Dwight! Dwight!\nDwight: There's a photo...\nMichael: What the hell are you reading to them?\nDwight: These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these-\nMichael: Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.\nSasha: What's a Nazi?\nMichael: What's a Nazi?\nDwight: [standing up] Nazi was a fascist movement...\nMichael: Don't!\nDwight: ...from the 1930's...\nMichael: Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it?\nDwight: I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.\nMichael: [sighing] Why don't you just leave? Okay?\nDwight: ...Okay.\nJake: Bye, Mister Poop.\nMichael: Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?\nThe Kids: [raising hands] I do, I do!\nMichael: Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. [cracks up]\nAngela: You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities [makes eye contact with Dwight].\nMichael: This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? [pets shelf of paper] You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?\nMelissa: So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff.\nMichael: No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.\nAbby: That's not fair. [the rest of the kids agree]\nMichael: Yes it is, well, w-w-you need someone in the middle to facilitate...\nJake: You're just a middleman.\nMichael: I'm not just a middle... man...\nMelissa: Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people?\nMichael: You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business.\nDwight: We have better service than they do!\nMichael: ...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right?\nCreed: That is correct.\nMichael: Say hi to the kids.\nCreed: Hi kids.\nMichael: Yaaaaay.\nCreed: Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? [begins untying shoe]\nKids: Ewwww!\nMichael: What are you doing? N-stop it! Stop it! Just-no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem?\nCreed: Th-the hair covers it, mostly.\nMichael: No no no, we're not gonna see- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay?\nMichael: You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show.\nKids: No way.\nMichael: It's true. I did.\nMelissa: You serious?\nJake: Really?\nMichael: I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star.\nAbby: That doesn't sound like a show.\nMelissa: What?!\nMichael: It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. [gets up and runs out] Ryan, can you come here a second? [clears throat] I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar.\nRyan: Right. Okay.\nMichael: I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?\nRyan: Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so...\nMelissa: You know, I can go with him.\nMichael: Oka-\nRyan: No! I will... go.\nMichael: Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office.\nMichael: [to Abby] Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like?\nMichael: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake.\nMichael: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?\nMiss Trudy: [from TV] ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Let's have some fun!\nMichael: That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to...\nDwight: Is that a real fun shooting windmill?\nMichael: Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.\nJim: That's pretty funny.\nMichael: Yeah.\nEdward R. Meow: ...Recess! Hey, what's your name?\nChet: My name's Chet.\nEdward R. Meow: Well hi Chet.\nOscar: Is that Chet Montgomery?\nMichael: Uhh, I don't know.\nPam: That is!\nDarryl: Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up.\nEdward R. Meow: What do you want to be when you grow up?\nChet: I want to be on TV!\nDwight: [employees chuckle] And he\nMichael: Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.\nEdward R. Meow: Okay, next? So, whats your name?\nMichael: Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh.\nEdward R. Meow: Well what's your favorite subject at school?\nYoung Michael: Recess.\nEdward R. Meow: Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?\nYoung Michael: I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.\nEdward R. Meow: [jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!\nMiss Trudy: Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day.\nMichael: Coulda sworn there was...\nMelissa: Did you get married?\nMichael: ...uh, no.\nAbby: Why not?\nMichael: Uh, just never happened.\nSasha: So, do you have any kids?\nMichael: Uh, nope.\nJake: Do you have a girlfriend?\nMichael: I do okay.\nMelissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?\nMichael: Yes.\nJake: Even I have a girlfriend.\nMichael: Okay! Alright, okay.\nSasha: So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.\nMichael: ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.\nPam: He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone.\nJim: Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy.\nRoy: [wrestling with Jake] Pam! Pam! I love this guy! [laughs] Come on!\nPam: So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's\nMelissa: Who? Terry?\nPam: Mmhmm.\nMelissa: That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother.\nJake: Mister Poop, I have to tell you something.\nDwight: Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name.\nJake: You're ugly.\nDwight: Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...\nJake: Meredith!\nMichael: [Toby knocks on door] Yeah?\nToby: I think these belong to you. [puts toys down on desk]\nMichael: Oh, that's okay, she can keep those.\nToby: Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch.\nMichael: Thank you.\nToby: Is everything okay?\nMichael: You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.\nToby: Uh... it's true...\nMichael: Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost.\nToby: Mmhmm.\nMichael: Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?\nToby: Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend.\nMichael: What about...\nToby: Not Jan.\nMichael: ...Jan. Kay.\nToby: If you really want to have kids, I- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something.\nMichael: ...Or biologically.\nToby: Somehow.\nMichael: Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...\nToby: Yes.\nMichael: Oh... kay.\nJake: Is it okay if I take one?\nPam: Sure.\nJake: Thank you.\nPam: You're welcome.\nJake: Is your job hard?\nPam: It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see?\nJake: Yeah!\nPam: Really?\nJake: Yeah.\nPam: Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. [shreds paper] Cool huh?\nJake: That's so cool, yeah!\nPam: Yeah, I get to do this like, every week.\nJake: That's so awesome!\nPam: I know.\nMichael: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.\nKevin: Go ahead.\nAbby: Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?\nJim: Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? [Abby nods]\nKevin: What're you doing? You never have plans.\nJim: Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date.\nKevin: Niiice.\nMichael: Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do.\nMichael: [singing] You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... [Dwight joins in] and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...\nJim: Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play?\nPam: I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. [Jim leaves]\nMichael and Dwight: [singing] ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams...\nPam: My theory is that... [Jim signals he's leaving, waves bye to Pam]\nMichael and Dwight: [singing] ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you...\nDwight: And they do, your parents, love you very much.\nMichael: One more time. [singing] You...\nDwight: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [Laughs] They didn't eat the children.\nAngela: Okay. I think five plain and one veggie should be fine.\nPhyllis: How about pepperoni?\nAngela: No.\nRyan: I like extra cheese.\nAngela: Absolutely not.\nPam: I like extra cheese, too.\nAngela: Fine. The first lesson we'll teach children will be about obesity.\nRyan: Thank you.\nJim: I'm pretty excited about today. I baby-sit Toby's daughter Sasha sometimes. So, she's the coolest kid. She has seen me play with dolls, though, so I don't know how cool she thinks I am.\nStanley: Put that away and learn.\nMelissa: Learn what?\nStanley: Learn why Daddy's so cranky when he comes home from work.\nStanley: I brought my daughter Melissa in. That girl is very spoiled. That child has no idea what I have to deal with so she can have her little cell phone and spend all my money at that Steamtown Mall.\nAbby: I'm gonna go read my book now.\nKevin: [whispering] Angela. Is it okay if I'm the head accountant today?\nAngela: I'm the head accountant.\nKevin: Yeah, but can I say that I'm it, just for today?\nAngela: I can't set that kind of precedent. She's a bright girl. She'd see right through that.\nDarryl: You must be pretty strong, huh?\nJake: Yeah.\nRoy: You think you can beat up Darryl?\nJake: Yeah. I don't know, maybe.\nRoy: I think you might be able to.\nDarryl: You think you could beat me up?\nJake: Yeah. Yeah, I do.\nDarryl: Then you gotta have muscles, man. You got some muscles? Let's see.\nJake: I got some muscles. You wanna see the muscles? Bam! Look at that.\nMichael: Hey, don't touch him, please!\nDarryl: Man, you have got to be kidding me.\nMichael: Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. [exclaims] Well, I'm sure it'll be fine.\nJake: Can I have a quarter? I promise I'll pay you back.\nMichael: Sure.\nJake: Can I have a dollar? Then I can buy chips and a drink.\nMichael: Okay. There you go.\nJake: Will you marry my mom?\nOscar: Melissa. Hey. I was working. I was in the middle of something.\nMelissa: Just give me two seconds, I'll be done.\nOscar: I was in the middle of something.\nMelissa: Dude, seriously, just give me two seconds, I'll be done.\nOscar: Stanley.\nAbby: ...get you, I'm gonna get you! Come back here for more! [squealing]\nCreed: Kids, kids, kids, slow down.\nAbby: Oh, I'm gonna get you!\nDwight: What the... [pulls a pencil eraser out of his mug, after a drink]\nAbby: Did you draw that?\nPam: Yeah. Do you like to draw, Abby?\nAbby: Yeah, I wanna be an artist when I grow up.\nPam: Me, too.\nAbby: You are grown up.\nKelly: So, how's your day been?\nPam: Okay. It's been a little more tiring than I thought.\nKelly: Yeah, it doesn't help that Stanley's daughter's such a slut.\nPam: Hmm.\nJim: Hey, Abby. I wanted to give you this for all your hard work today. Look. Michael signed it and everything. Official.\nAbby: Thank you so much.\nJim: Absolutely.\nDwight: Oh, I hate to break it to you, Abby. The certificate's a fake. Okay? It's not real. Where's the certification number, Halpert?\nJim: Actually, I have the certification number right here.\nDwight: Oh, really? Uh-huh.\nJim: Yup.\nDwight: Oh. Okay. Fine. Well done.\nJim: All right.\nJim: A7557962.' Totally nonsense numbers, but you do what you have to do."}
{"text": "Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.\nOscar: Who is this guy again?\nMichael: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.\nRyan: Who uses calling cards anymore?\nMichael: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.\nOscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.\nMichael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!\nToby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?\nMichael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright.\nJim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?\nMichael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... [Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram] ... I have to go make a call.\nPam: Happy birthday Michael.\nMichael: Oh ho ho! What?\nPam: I said happy birthday.\nMichael: Thank you! That's really nice.\nMichael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a\nMichael: What's up?\nJim: Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday.\nMichael: Ah, thank you sir.\nMeredith: Did you hear anything yet?\nKevin: No. I'm still waiting.\nMichael: [Dwight knocks on door] Yeah.\nDwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!\nMichael: Ohh, god.\nDwight: Birthday hug!\nMichael: No no no, no, new suit, please.\nDwight: That suit is amazing.\nMichael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually- no, Bulgaria.\nDwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one.\nMichael: Good luck. One of a kind.\nDwight: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?\nMichael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.\nDwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...\nMichael: Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.\nDwight: Let's get the party started. [Begins 'raising the roof']\nMichael: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in]\nPhyllis: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?\nPam: One's good.\nAngela: One thirty. [Pam yawns] I'm sorry, are we boring you?\nDwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.\nPhyllis: Where do we get those?\nDwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam]\nPam: Michael wants a strippergram?\nDwight: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom.\nAngela: No. This is a closed door meeting.\nMichael: [answering phone] Yeah?\nPam: Michael, I have Jan on the line.\nMichael: Oh, great, put her through.\nJan: Hello, Michael.\nMichael: Hey, you.\nJan: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent.\nMichael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.\nJan: Well, today's not my birthday, so...\nMichael: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.\nJan: ...Happy birthday, Michael.\nMichael: Thanks. [grins]\nJan: Am I on camera?\nMichael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]\nMichael: [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want.\nMichael: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!\nStanley: Mmhmm, happy birthday.\nMichael: Thanks.\nJim: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?\nKevin: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion.\nJim: Oh, okay.\nKelly: Second opinion on what?\nKevin: Um, I might have skin cancer.\nKelly: Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and\nJim: Kelly, you know what...\nKelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.\nToby: Who brought in donuts?\nMichael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!\nToby: Happy birthday!\nMichael: You didn't know it was my birthday.\nToby: I... guess I forgot.\nMichael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].\nToby: Are you serious?\nMichael: Mmm.\nOscar: Skin cancer is treatable.\nKevin: Right.\nOscar: It's going to be okay.\nAngela: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though.\nDelivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott.\nMichael: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright?\nDelivery Woman: Uh... s-sure.\nMichael: [laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous.\nPam: I can sign for it.\nDelivery Woman: Oh. Thanks.\nMichael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.\nMichael: [eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that?\nDwight: It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song.\nMichael: Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.\nDwight: I probably care more than she does.\nMichael: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [points to James Dean poster].\nPam: When does he hear?\nJim: Sometime today.\nPam: Ohh... poor Kevin.\nPam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week.\nDwight: Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back... order... [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!\nMichael: What?\nDwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.\nMichael: [grinning] Ohhh, God.\nDwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.\nMichael: Ohhh, no.\nDwight: So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin!\nOscar: ...I'll do it.\nMichael: Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this.\nDwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley!\nPam: ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?\nJim: Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and...\nDwight: On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: Happy birth moment, Michael.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDwight: One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling]\nMichael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please.\nDwight: Oscar...\nOscar: It wasn't me.\nDwight: Okay, that is\nDelivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.\nDwight: F. Alright, what's the damage?\nDelivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty.\nDwight: [pulls out wallet] Thirty nine... sixty.\nDwight: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.\nDwight: Here they come.\nMichael: Get in here... everybody.\nDwight: Come and get it!\nMichael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you.\nOscar: What is this?\nDwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.\nMichael: The best.\nStanley: These are all the same?\nMichael: Yes.\nAngela: Bologna? I don't eat bologna.\nMichael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.\nAngela: No.\nMichael: Just the bread, it's fresh baked.\nAngela: No.\nMichael: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it.\nMichael: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So...\nJim: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back.\nPam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles.\nJim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number.\nPam: And his favorite lunch.\nDwight: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left [pulls ice cream cake out of freezer].\nRyan: [making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing?\nDwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.\nAngela: [grabs cake] Oh. Thank you.\nDwight: Oh. I got it.\nAngela: What are- it's... the party planning committee.\nDwight: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.\nAngela: Fine.\nDwight: What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?\nAngela: Yes... [whispering] but don't expect any cookie.\nDwight: [whispering] But what if i'm hungry?\nAngela: [whispering]\nJim: [puts fabric softener into cart] ...What?\nPam: You use fabric softener?\nJim: Yeah, you don't?\nPam: No, I do.\nJim: ...Okay.\nOffice Staff: [singing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings] Happy birthday... [everyone but Dwight stops] ...tooo youuuu.\nKevin: Hello? Hey.\nMichael: Kevin? Respect the birthday please.\nKevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy.\nMichael: Are you done? ...Good. Okay.\nDwight: Here we go. Make a wish.\nMichael: Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [blows out the candles]\nDwight: Yaoo yay! [claps]\nMichael: ... I asked for trick candles.\nDwight: Pam was supposed to get 'em.\nMichael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.\nAngela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.\nMichael: ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door].\nPam: [checking watch] We should probably head back.\nJim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.\nPam: You dare me? How old are you?\nJim: Just... quit stalling.\nPam: [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.\nJim: Such a dork.\nPam: [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you...\nStore Employee: Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy.\nPam: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry.\nJim: How old are you?\nPam: I hate you.\nToby: [to Kevin] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible.\nMichael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.\nKevin: Still scary.\nMichael: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.\nKevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.\nMichael: And laughter... also.\nToby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.\nMichael: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.\nToby: I work here.\nMichael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.\nKevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.\nMichael: Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry.\nDwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls.\nJim: Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael.\nDwight: Please, don't.\nJim: You... owe me.\nMichael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.\nStanley: Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday?\nMichael: How dare you sir. You are gross.\nMichael: [sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink] That should not be there.\nDwight: I'll get someone to take it down.\nMichael: No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!\nKelly: Don't be scared! You're good! You're good!\nRyan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.\nJim: Think you can let go?\nPam: No. [laughs]\nJim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by]\nDwight: YEAH!\nPam: Who is that?\nJim: Is that Michael?\nMichael: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.\nPam: I got it.\nMichael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.\nJim: ...It's something to think about.\nKevin: I can't relax about it, you know?\nMichael: Kevin. You heard anything yet?\nKevin: No, not yet.\nMichael: Okay. Well. Live strong.\nKevin: Okay, Michael.\nMichael: Alright.\nCarol: Michael?\nMichael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or...\nCarol: Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.\nMichael: Oh, these... all your kids?\nCarol: No just the front two.\nMichael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?\nCarol: Sure.\nMichael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!\nMichael: Push. Good! That's great. You got it. [Kevin's phone rings] Excuse me.\nKevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative.\nMichael: Oh... God... [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here [hugs Kevin].\nMichael: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos.\nKevin: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys.\nMichael: Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!\nDwight: Turn it around. Turn it around.\nMichael: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.\nDwight: Number one!!\nMichael: Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks.\nPam: Michael?\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: This is from all of us.\nMichael: Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it.\nPam: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.\nJim: Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done.\nDwight: Let's get the party started.\nMichael: That's not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat]\nDwight: Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment.\nMichael: Okay, here's the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, 'Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate me.' A great boss will say, 'Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts.'\nMichael: Good. You know, Ryan, you didn't have to get me a present.\nRyan: I won't.\nMichael: Good. Great.\nRyan: Okay, good. I think I'm gonna go.\nMichael: No, I think you're gonna stay.\nMichael: On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister's Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today.\nKevin: Can you please stop staring at me? [Dwight continues to stare and then walks away]\nDwight: To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. [scoffs] Makes me rethink having skin at all.\nMichael: [knock on door] Mmm-hmm.\nRyan: Hey. I got the information.\nMichael: Oh, good. Okay. Don't tell me, tell them.\nRyan: [turns to camera] 'The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%.'\nMichael: Oh, my God. That's a piece of cake. That's a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that's good.\nRyan: [looking at camera] 'There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005.'\nMichael: Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry.\nRyan: For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and...'\nMichael: Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, 'I have cancer.'\nRyan: The skin is the largest organ of the body.'\nMichael: Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body.\nAngela: I'm not afraid of dying. I know where I'm going. But if I were Kevin, I might be terrified. Gluttony."}
{"text": "Dwight: Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. [Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth] Spit... Okay, come on, let's go.\nJim: You look cute today, Dwight.\nDwight: Thanks, girl.\nJim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight\nDwight: Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.\nKevin: [nods] Hey...\nDwight: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.\nJim: [mimicking Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.\nPam: [laughs] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, [makes mournful face, giggles] that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can.\nKelly: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said 'Is it okay if I sip it?' and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.\nDwight: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?\nKelly: Six.\nDwight: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.\nRyan: I go to a lot of parties.\nDwight: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.\nRyan: I am not giving you my keys.\nDwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.\nRyan: What's the hard way?\nDwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.\nRyan: Yeah, let's do it that way.\nMichael: Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow.\nDwight: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.\nJim: Whoa. You are a volunteer.\nDwight: I volunteered for this job.\nJim: And that's not the same.\nDwight: It is my duty...\nJim: [interrupting] Volunteer duty.\nDwight: ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.\nMichael: [fake coughing] Narc!\nKevin: [giggling]\nDwight: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.\nMichael: I wasn't attempting to compliment you.\nDwight: Well, you have...\nMichael: Uuf, well...\nDwight: ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...\nMichael: [shakes head] Okay...\nDwight: ...and I am very proud of being a narc.\nMichael: Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where's my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!\nJim: Well, your office is behind you.\nMichael: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?\nRyan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any.\nDwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.\nDwight: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?\nOscar: No, I have not.\nDwight: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?\nOscar: What are you implying?\nDwight: Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?\nOscar: Okay. I'm done with this.\nDwight: He sure left in a hurry.\nDwight: I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.\nDwight: Do you know what this is? [pushing a photo toward her]\nPhyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.\nDwight: How do you know that?\nPhyllis: It's labeled.\nDwight: [grabs pictures back and looks at it] Dammit.\nCreed: That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.\nDwight: No, it's marijuana.\nJim: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you.\nDwight: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.\nJim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.\nDwight: I would remember.\nJim: Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?\nDwight: That's not how it works.\nJim: Now how do you know how it works?\nDwight: Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you.\nJim: No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?\nDwight: [opens eyes wide in total surprise]\nOscar: So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it.\nJim: Oh, um...[mimicking Stanley] Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly]\nStanley: Is that supposed to be me?\nJim: Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.\nStanley: I do not think that is funny.\nPam: He does everyone in the office.\nStanley: Hmmmpt.\nPam/Jim: [in unison] I do not think that is funny.\nPam: Jinx! Buy me a coke.\nJim: Oh...\nPam: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out]\nPam: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.\nJim: [mouths] C'mon!\nPam: Sorry, that's not my problem.\nJim: [presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face]\nDwight: I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.\nAngela: I understand.\nDwight: Where were you yesterday after work?\nAngela: [smiles knowingly]\nMichael: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?\nKevin: That is so good, Michael\nMichael: Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who's in trouble?\nDwight: Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine.\nMichael: Waa... what? What are you talking about?\nDwight: Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.\nOscar: Is that true, Toby?\nToby: Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing.\nMichael: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.\nMichael: Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.\nDwight: No you can't do that.\nMichael: I can do that, it is my office.\nDwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it\nMichael: Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great.\nDwight: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?\nKevin: I'm not taking Rogaine.\nDwight: Angela, what about you?\nAngela: I don't take any prescription drugs.\nDwight: You're not on\nAngela: [Gives Dwight a knowing look]\nDwight: Good.\nKelly: So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! [Jim hunches his shoulders and grins] One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. [Jim shakes his head no in agreement] I mean not everything, Jim. [Jim shakes his head in agreement] I promise, I'm not that kind of...\nPam: Hey guys, what's going on?\nKelly: We're having the best conversation. [Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no]\nPam: Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. [Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly] But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Jim nods his head as if to say, 'Gee, thanks, Pam.']\nKelly: So, I was looking so hot...\nMichael: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.\nPhyllis: We don't feel that way.\nAngela: No, not at all.\nOscar: You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.\nMichael: No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, 'Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.'\nDwight: Thank you, Michael.\nMichael: I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.\nMichael: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.\nStanley: Where did you get these facts?\nMichael: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?\nStanley: They are not.\nMichael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?\nStanley: No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.\nMichael: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?\nToby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.\nMichael: Yes it is.\nToby: No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.\nMichael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.\nToby: You can't do that.\nMichael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.\nToby: That's not random.\nMichael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.\nPam: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.\nMichael: Really? [Jim shakes his head no]\nPam: Uh, hmmm.\nMichael: Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths 'I can't' and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well.\nPam: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.\nMichael: The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.\nDwight: No, you will be tested.\nMichael: Yes, I will not be.\nDwight: You will be. That is the law according to the rules.\nMichael: Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.\nDwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.\nLinda: We test a lot of urine.\nDwight: Mine was green.\nLinda: Oh, right. How are you?\nDwight: I'm all better.\nMichael: So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.\nDwight: What kind of filing?\nMichael: Just forget it. Just the urine.\nDwight: That goes directly to the tester.\nMichael: Just. I need your urine.\nDwight: Like in a cup?\nMichael: Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight.\nDwight: For what purpose?\nMichael: It's none of your business.\nDwight: Then I refuse.\nMichael: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.\nDwight: Are you serious?\nMichael: I need clean urine for the lady.\nDwight: But that's illegal.\nMichael: Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes\nDwight: Not my urine.\nMichael: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.\nDwight: Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?\nMichael: No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup.\nAngela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?\nDwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.\nAngela: You're not going to get my permission on this.\nDwight: I know that. Don't you think I know that?\nLinda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country.\nRyan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?\nLinda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab?\nRyan: Yeah. Maybe.\nDwight: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.\nPam: What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means]\nKevin: I'd like a magazine.\nLinda: We just need urine, sir.\nKevin: I'd still like one.\nMichael: Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.\nDwight: That's great.\nMichael: What's wrong? Where's your costume?\nDwight: It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.\nMichael: Why? Wha...\nDwight: I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.\nPam: [placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam]\nJim: Hi.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: How much time do you have left on your break?\nPam: Ten minutes.\nMichael: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.\nDwight: Really?\nMichael: Yes, sir.\nDwight: That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked .\nMichael: So you wanna? Thanks.\nHank: Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security.\nMichael: Okay.\nHank: Here's your badge.\nDwight: Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. [To Hank] Can I have a gun?\nHank: No, I don't have a gun.\nDwight: Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff.\nHank: I don't think so.\nMichael: Good.\nDwight: [salutes] Thank you, Michael.\nMichael: No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes]\nDwight: I need to go over some details with you.\nMichael: Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you.\nDwight: First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?\nHank: Two.\nDwight: Oh, God.\nJim: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?\nJim: [growling] Nice.\nPam: Kevin.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: Do someone else.\nJim: Um, [gives Pam a look]\nPam: Angela.\nJim: Whoa.\nPam: The eyebrow.\nJim: Yeah.\nDwight: I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes.\nToby: Michael's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, but I don't think he's doing drugs. Maybe he should. Take the edge off. Uh, not at work, of course.\nDwight: People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs.\nPhyllis: He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately.\nStanley: And what did you say?\nPhyllis: I said no.\nStanley: Hmm.\nPhyllis: You're welcome.\nDwight: Your turn, Stanley. [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] Angela, you're up.\nPam: Last night? Let's see.\nDwight: Go ahead. Don't lie.\nPam: I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that?\nDwight: No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead.\nPam: I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy.\nDwight: Oh.\nPam: And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp.\nDwight: Oh.\nMeredith: Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired? [Jim shakes head 'no'] Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it. [Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no'] They're not taking away my kid. Oh.\nKelly: Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold.\nDwight: Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up.\nMichael: Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.\nOscar: How?\nMichael: Exactly. I know. It's amazing.\nOscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or...\nCreed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong...\nMichael: Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.\nDwight: Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! [Note pad reads, 'Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive'] There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names.\nMichael: One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar...\nStanley: Excuse me?\nMichael: No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.\nPhyllis: It's not me, either.\nMichael: No? okay, fine.\nJan: [on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.\nMichael: Okay, well, I really think that... [dial tone beeping]\nPam: Has she been on the phone the whole time?\nMichael: Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.\nDwight: Make-up sex. Nice!\nKevin: Nice.\nMichael: Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?\nDwight: The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high.\nMichael: Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.\nDwight: just drink a lot of water.\nMichael: Well...\nDwight: You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.\nMichael: I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?\nPam: [reading from Michael's flier] 'Drugs: Let's not and say we did.' I think Michael was high when he wrote this.\nToby: You know, sometimes I wish we just didn't have a conference room. [Kelly laughs] You know? He couldn't do that.\nKelly: But then we wouldn't have any meetings.\nToby: Yeah.\nKelly: Okay. Bye, Toby.\nToby: Bye.\nKelly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don't have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay.\nAngela: I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim.\nMeredith: Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free.\nPam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please. [to Jim] There's a Brenda on the phone for you. [to Brenda] Just one second, I'll transfer.\nJim: [telephone ringing] [shows note to camera 'It's OK. She'll call back!']\nMan: She's got it up now.\nSheriff: He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down.\nDwight: Hey. Hey. Jerry.\nSheriff: Thanks.\nDwight: Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge.\nSheriff: Where sis you get that?\nDwight: I got it here.\nSheriff: No. No, you didn't. we didn't give you this.\nDwight: No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore.\nSheriff: You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit.\nDwight: Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could.\nSheriff: Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out?\nDwight: Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance...\nSheriff: Surveillance?\nDwight: Crowd control, directing traffic...\nSheriff: Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace?\nDwight: I've only had to use it once.\nVance Refrigeration Worker #1: [tosses the butt of a joint in parking lot] We should get a pizza.\nVance Refrigeration Worker #2: I hate pizza."}
{"text": "Kevin: So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet?\nPam: No.\nKevin: Cause I'm in a band. We really rock.\nJim: Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.\nPhyllis: Oh I got the 'Save The Date'.\nPam: Yeah?\nPhyllis: Yeah, pretty stationery.\nPam: Oh, thanks!\nAngela: I didn't get mine yet.\nPam: Uh...\nPam: There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.\nMichael: Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.\nPhyllis: Uh, on or off?\nI.D. Photographer: Off.\nPhyllis: Okay... [removes glasses]\nDwight: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?\nPhyllis: [leaving the room] Excuse me.\nDwight: Clown paint.\nDwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?\nMichael: That's a nice tie.\nRyan: Thank you.\nMichael: That is... who makes that?\nRyan: Um, I don't...\nMichael: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?\nRyan: Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes.\nOscar: It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed...\nMichael: [walking into the Conference room] What's the dealio?\nToby: Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today.\nMichael: What's the problem?\nOscar: Angela!\nToby: It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace.\nOscar: Since Christmas.\nMichael: So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?\nOscar: No.\nToby: Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please?\nMichael: Yes.\nToby: Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen.\nMichael: Yeah?\nToby: These things just have a way of working themselves out.\nMichael: Okay.\nToby: It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it.\nMichael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...\nToby: Okay.\nMichael: Okay... what?\nToby: That was the right decision for me and my marriage.\nMichael: Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?\nMichael: [holding up a binder] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.[in a comedic voice] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.\nAngela: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.\nMichael: No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.\nOscar: What's the next one?\nMichael: Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?\nAngela: Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever?\nMichael: Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.\nMichael: [in front of poster] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using 'I' emotion language and no judging or 'you' statements.\nAngela: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.\nMichael: Come on, seriously, that?\nOscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the...\nMichael: Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.\nPam: Win!\nMichael: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.\nOscar: No.\nAngela: That's... no...\nMichael: Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution.\nAngela: How about, I leave it up?\nOscar: How 'bout, she takes it down?\nPam: How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?\nMichael: Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.\nPam: Win.\nOscar: Fine.\nAngela: But, it...\nMichael: [claps his hands twice] It is done!\nPam: Win\nPhotographer: [snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot] No, you're all good.\nCreed: Great. [gets up and leaves]\nPam: Hey, Angela.[hands her a Save The Date card] I didn't have your zip code.\nAngela: Oh. Thanks.\nAngela: It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste.\nToby: You solved it?\nMichael: Yes.\nToby: Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers]\nMichael: Are those all the other complains?\nToby: Mmm-Hm.\nMichael: I would like to see those please.\nToby: I... I can't do that.\nMichael: You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.\nToby: That... [shakes head and places hand over the file]\nMichael: Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right... is that it?\nToby: [sighs and pulls out a box under his desk] It's all Dwight's.\nToby: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.\nMichael: Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?\nPhotographer: Are you sure? [looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest]\nDwight: Oh, he's sure. Just shoot.\nPhotographer: [shoots twice]\nMichael: [looking through papers in the complaint box] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.\nPam: Nice.\nMichael: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.\nToby: Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This [unlocks a drawer]is January through March of this year. [pulls out a fairly large folder]\nMichael: How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? [looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands] And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? [employees mumble 'merely listen to and forgotten...' ] That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... [sighs] Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?\nAngela: You already did me.\nMichael: That's what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does 'redacted' mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked 'redacted'... ?\nToby: Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off.\nMichael: Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.\nDwight: Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?\nPam: [notices Angela's intense concern] Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?\nMichael: All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And [looks through the file]... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.\nPam: Wait, what did it say?\nMichael: Uh... [reading]'Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?' [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?\nPam: I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?!\nMichael: Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club.\nRyan: My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes...\nKelly: I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking.\nToby: To your HR representative.\nKelly: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn.\nToby: Fine, I'll take your name off. [looks at Michael] So no one will know.\nMichael: [crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin' progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes?\nJim: Dwight tried to kiss me.\nMichael: What?!\nJim: And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it.\nDwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!\nJim: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.\nDwight: Okay, question. [looks at Toby] When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?\nToby: Sure.\nMichael: Stanley. [off camera]\nPam: [gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out!\nMichael: [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.\nAnglea: I didn't do it! [Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible]\nPam: I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.\nMichael: Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true.\nStanley: I didn't say that.\nCreed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.]\nMichael: Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.\nPhyllis: No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close.\nMichael: And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.\nPhyllis: Stanley and I are close, too.\nStanley: We sit close.\nMichael: Oh... ok.\nToby: [sits down for his ID picture] Just take it. [flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again]\nPam: I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby.\nJim: Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends.\nPam: Don't take her side.\nJim: [sighs] Well, what does Roy think about everything?\nPam: I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.\nJim: You mean your thoughts and feelings?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Yeah...\nPhyllis: I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting.\nAngela: Yes, that's the problem.\nPhyllis: I guess so...\nMichael: Okay, well... all settled, then.\nPhyllis: [whispering to Angela] I don't like you.\nMichael: OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?\nCreed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death.\nMichael: All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.\nKevin: I accept your decision!\nJim: Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together.\nDwight: That doesn't make any sense.\nJim: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect.\nPhotographer: [to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera] Smile.\nDwight: No.\nDwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.\nJim: This came out really well. [picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight] There you go.\nDwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat...\nJim: Oh.\nDwight: And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'.\nJim: What did I write?\nDwight: I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file.\nToby: Talk to Michael. I gave him the box.\nDwight: What box?!\nPhyllis: But I didn't report your snoring-\nStanley: Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... [Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box]\nMichael: Uh. Dwight.\nDwight: Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.\nMichael: Okay! Calm down.\nDwight: No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on?\nMichael: Hey, hey!\nDwight: Him or me?\nMichael: Stop.\nDwight: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.\nMichael: Okay...\nDwight: Either he goes, or I go.\nMichael: Dwight...\nDwight: You choose!\nMichael: Stop...\nDwight: One of us is out of here by the end of today! [runs out]\nMichael: Oh... kay...\nDwight: I am not bluffing!\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: Okay?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years.\nMichael: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: I deserve this. You know I do!\nMichael: [picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?\nDwight: You have till five.\nDwight: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!\nMichael: Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!\nMichael: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.\nMichael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] 'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.' [flips to another paper] 'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'\nJim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.\nMichael: [reading] 'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.' [flips to another paper] 'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.' Gah. 'This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.'\nJim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.\nMichael: [reading] 'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'\nJim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.\nMichael: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.'\nJim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.\nMichael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.\nJim: Maybe Stanford would be cool.\nDwight: It's a good market. Higher volume.\nJim: Yeah. Maybe we should both go.\nDwight: I have a girlfriend...\nJim: Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.\nMichael: Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.\nDwight: So, you going to transfer Jim or not?\nMichael: Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.\nDwight: I want an answer by tomorrow.\nMichael: Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?\nDwight: Fine.\nMichael: Good. Okay.\nMichael: Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?\nPhotographer: I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.\nMichael: Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?\nPhotographer: You mean digital?\nMichael: It'll take like two seconds.\nPhotographer: 20 bucks.\nMichael: Ugh... All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter.\nStanley: You gotta be kiddin' me.\nMichael: Come on, everybody.\nDwight: Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go.\nPhotographer: One, two, three... smile. [camera flashes, but no one smiles] Try to smile.\nMichael: We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.\nPhotographer: Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes]\nMichael: Good, let's check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.\nPhotographer: That'll be another 20.\nMichael: What?\nPam: Angela, I want to talk to you about something.\nMichael: [off camera] You just press the button.\nAngela: What?\nJim: No, Pam.\nPam: [looks at to Jim] I am. [looks at Angela] It's about the Save The Date.\nJim: Pam, it wasn't her.\nPam: What?!\nJim: I'm the one who complained about you.\nJim: I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting.\nMichael: [off camera] Okay, good. Check that out.\nJim: You know, it was one day.\nMichael: [off camera] That's terrible.\nJim: And I took it right back. It was like...\nPam: Okay.\nPhyllis: Oh, dear.\nMichael: [off camera] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down]\nMichael: It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.\nMichael: [flashback the photo being taken] One, two..[flash goes off] Didn't say three, did I?\nMichael: But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems.\nJim: [on Pam's answering machine] Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. [camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office]\nFemale worker: Okay, Jan will see you now.\nJim: Oh, thanks.\nMichael: And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.\nDwight: [elevator bell dings] What is this? What happened here?\nJim: I don't know.\nDwight: Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning?\nJim: Dwight, I really think someone's probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it.\nDwight: A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank.\nJim: Probably is.\nDwight: Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! [Jim's cell phone beeping] Oh, you people are useless. Jesus.\nPam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it's the Sheriff. He said that it's really important. It's regarding your desk. I'll transfer.\nDwight: Oh, no, no, don't! I can't... [groans] [telephone ringing]\nJim: Just cut through it, man, it's no big deal.\nDwight: This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not.\nJim: That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it's a murder.\nDwight: No, there's no blood.\nJim: Maybe poison?\nDwight: Possibly.\nJim: My God!\nDwight: [exclaiming in fear] No, Jim, no! [Jim knocks Dwight's phone off its cradle] [yelling toward the phone] Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20?\nMichael: Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice.\nRyan: I know.\nMichael: On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that.\nPhotographer: [Dwight slurping] Okay, here we go. One, two...\nDwight: He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair.\nMichael: I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, 'What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?' Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot.\nDwight: I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken.\nPhotographer: So there were no death threats?\nDwight: Let me see your ID.\nMichael: There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, 'I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu.' See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway.\nMichael: There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. [imitating gonging] And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person.\nPhotographer: All right.\nPam: That's not bad. Hey, do you do weddings?\nPhotographer: Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that?\nJim: Not bad.\nDwight: I gave her a higher clearance than you.\nJim: What does Level Red mean?\nDwight: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. [laughing maniacally]\nMeredith: Wait. [puts eye drops in] [Photographer takes the shot and her eyes are closed]\nKevin: No, wait. [put on a hat] Yeah.\nPhyllis: You must have misdialed. This is Phyllis. No, I'm not sure what his extension is. [glares at Stanley as he glares right back]\nMichael: Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal.\nPhyllis: Come on, Dwight, I think it's actually healthy to get it off your chest.\nDwight: I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down.\nPhyllis: You're arrogant and pompous, and I don't like you.\nMichael: Cage Match'? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no.\nHank the Security Guard: Excuse me, sir! Dwight Schrute, is that your real name?\nDwight: Yes, sir.\nKevin: Morning.\nHank the Security Guard: Good morning. Okay, go ahead.\nDwight: Thank you. [elevator door closes] No, come on... God!"}
{"text": "Michael: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, 'Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.' Makes you feel good.\nJim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?\nDwight: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.\nPam: It's a nice tux.\nDwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.\nRoy: So, what's the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That's lame.\nPam: Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert.\nDwight: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.\nJim: I can always kind of win at roulette.\nDwight: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.\nJim: Yeah.\nDwight: How would you do that?\nJim: Mind control.\nDwight: [laughs] You can't be serious. Are you serious?\nJim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.\nDwight: I don't believe you. Continue.\nJim: It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.\nDwight: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.\nJim: Okay, I'll try. [The coat rack wobbles] [Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene]\nDwight: Oh, my God.\nMichael: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.\nJan: [on phone] Yeah, but... Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.\nMichael: Top 80 percent!\nJan: Michael?\nMichael: Yeah?\nJan: You know that I'm very serious here.\nMichael: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!\nJan: What?\nMichael: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.\nJan: I thought that you were their fearless leader.\nMichael: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.\nJan: [laughs] I think you can handle it.\nMichael: Oh, come on. Come on.\nJan: I think so, Michael...\nMichael: You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.\nJan: Goodbye, Michael.\nMichael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.\nMichael: Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.\nOscar: Again? We do that every year.\nMichael: Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.\nOscar: It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.\nMichael: Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.\nDwight: Yes!\nMichael: So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.\nJim: That doesn't exist anymore.\nMichael: Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people.\nPam: No, they stopped making that show.\nMichael: Well, then, they need our money more than ever.\nAngela: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization.\nCreed: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them.\nKevin: Something with animals. Or people.\nKelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is\nAngela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?\nMichael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...\nToby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?\nMichael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.\nJim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.\nMichael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.\nPhyllis: Afghani.\nMichael: What?\nPhyllis: Afghani.\nMichael: That's a dog.\nPam: No, that's Afghan.\nMichael: That's a shawl.\nDwight: Wait, canine AIDS?\nMichael: No. Humans with AIDS.\nCreed: Who has AIDS?\nJim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.\nMichael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.\nMichael: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. 'I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.' [laughs] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.\nJim: What are you doing?\nPam: Oh, nothing.\nJim: Till Death Do Us Rock.'\nPam: They're wedding bands.\nJim: Oh.\nPam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.\nJim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.\nPam: There's a KISS cover band in here.\nJim: Let's do it.\nPam: I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work.\nJim: Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know... I have no future here.\nMichael: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?\nDarryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.\nMichael: It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.\nDarryl: Except my warehouse.\nMichael: Well, actually, it's my warehouse.\nDwight: Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.\nMichael: Why are you here?\nDwight: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.\nMichael: Not. I said, not that.\nDarryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.\nMichael: That's ironic.\nDarryl: What?\nMichael: That you are afraid.\nDarryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?\nMichael: Dinkin' flicka.\nDarryl: [sighs] Dinkin' flicka.\nDarryl: I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say.\nMichael: Give me some. [Michael and Darryl perform simultaneous hand gesture]\nDarryl: Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.\nJim: [Jim ejects a videotape from the VCR and puts in a new one] Wow. I don't know how you're gonna decide. They are all extremely good.\nPam: I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza.\nJim: Yes.\nPam: Have three stages, yeah.\nJim: Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity.\nPam: Oh.\nJim: Let's take a look. Nice.\nPam: Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums.\nJim: What?\nPam: On the drums! On the drums!\nJim: Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer.\nKevin: We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.\nJim: Wow. Oh!\nPam: Oh, my...\nJim: Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label, we're gonna...\nPam: No! No!\nJim: No, Pam, you're gonna lose him to another wedding.\nPam: No, come back! No, no, no!\nJim: Kev!\nPam: Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding.\nMichael: [phone rings] Yes\nPam: [phone rings] Michael, Carol Stills for you.\nMichael: Who?\nPam: Carol Stills.\nMichael: Do I know a Carol Stills?\nPam: Your realtor.\nMichael: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it\nPam: It's still me.\nPam: Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.\nPam: Carol, you're on with Michael.\nCarol: [on phone] Hello, Michael?\nMichael: Hi, Carol. How you doing?\nCarol: I'm great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance.\nMichael: Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.\nCarol: Oh, great.\nMichael: Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped.\nCarol: Oh, good, I'm glad. Can I drop it over later?\nMichael: Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night.\nCarol: Oh, great.\nMichael: Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink.\nCarol: To the casino thing?\nMichael: Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you...[phone rings] What do you...\nCarol: What?\nMichael: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes?\nPam: Michael, Jan's on line two.\nMichael: Okay, put her through. [Deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume?\nPam: It's still me. Uh, Jan, here's Michael.\nJan: Michael?\nMichael: Hey, Jan. How you doing?\nJan: You know, I... I thought about it and you are right.\nMichael: I am?\nJan: I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night.\nMichael: Oh, okay.\nJan: Incidentally, what is the charity?\nMichael: AIDS.\nJan: Okay, then. I will see you tonight.\nMichael: Okay, sounds great.\nJan: Bye-bye.\nMichael: Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just...\nCarol: No problemo.\nMichael: Right.\nCarol: To answer your question...\nMichael: Yeah?\nCarol: Yes.\nMichael: What?\nCarol: I'd love to go.\nMichael: Okay.\nCarol: I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn't be a problem.\nMichael: Problem. Good.\nCarol: And I'll bring the papers, too.\nMichael: Good, All right. Sounds great.\nCarol: I'll see you tonight.\nMichael: Bye.\nCarol: Bye.\nMichael: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.\nPam: [People playing casino games as the actual Casino Night begins] Oh, my God!\nRoy: Yeah! That's great.\nMichael: Hey, hey.\nCarol: Hi.\nMichael: Hey, Carol.\nCarol: Hi.\nMichael: You look great.\nCarol: Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here.\nMichael: Oh, well... Kiss. [Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek] That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and... Yes? Ah, Dwight [Kisses cheeks]\nDwight: Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.\nDwight: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'\nMichael: Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters.\nCarol: Drink would be good.\nMichael: Okay.\nCreed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.\nBilly's Girlfriend: I'm gonna get a drink. Do you need anything?\nBilly: No, I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart.\nBilly's Girlfriend: Okay.\nMichael: Billy, your nurse is hot.\nBilly: That's my girlfriend.\nMichael: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.\nBilly: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress.\nMichael: Chili's is great.\nMichael: Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.\nStanley: [Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?\nMichael: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows.\nDealer: Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold'em. Good luck, everybody. That's at least four red chips to you, sir.\nMichael: All-in. [Other players fold their hands]\nMichael: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?\nToby: I'll call.\nMichael: What are... That's insane.\nToby: I have good cards.\nMichael: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don't be stupid. Just take it back.\nDealer: No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in.\nMichael: Okay, all right, whatever.\nDealer: Flip them.\nMichael: You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves]\nMeredith: Wow.\nToby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling.\nDwight: I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs.\nJim: [coughs] I will raise. [Dwight sighs and folds his cards] Thanks.\nJim: It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds.\nCarol: Wow, bad luck.\nMichael: Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning. [Sees Jan] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.\nJan: Michael?\nMichael: Jan.\nJan: Hi.\nMichael: Look, okay, I think we're all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship.\nJan: What are you... Just... Wait, what're you talking about?\nCarol: What does that mean?\nMichael: After you said you weren't coming, I invited Carol to come and I don't think that I did anything wrong.\nJan: No. No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Jan. I'm Michael's boss.\nCarol: Hi, hi.\nJan: Does anyone want a drink?\nCarol: No, I'm good.\nJan: Okay. [Carol stares at Michael]\nMichael: Um...\nDwight: Hey, hey.\nMichael: Hey. What...\nDwight: Jan's here.\nDwight: Give me the dice.\nKevin: Come on, Dwight.\nDwight: Let's go.\nBilly: It's all on you, baby. Let's go.\nAngela: Good evening, Dwight. What is this?\nDwight: Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins.\nKevin: Yes.\nAngela: Then roll an eight.\nDwight: Thank you, Angela.\nAngela: Good luck, Dwight.\nDwight: Yeah! Yeah! [Kisses Angela, she slaps him and walks away smiling]\nKevin: Dwight, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going. Let's go.\nOscar: Let it ride. Let it all ride.\nDwight: Give me the dice!\nJim: Yeah, right.\nPam: Yeah, right,' what?\nJim: What was this? [Makes face]\nPam: [Laughs] I have good cards.\nJim: Really?\nPam: Mhmm, And I'm gonna take you all-in.\nJim: Wow. I think you're bluffing.\nKevin: Yeah, I think she's full of it.\nPam: Straight.\nJim: Oh. Three nines.\nKevin: Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen.\nJim: Thank you very much. It was fun.\nJan: Cosmopolitan, please.\nCarol: Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That's a long drive.\nJan: Well, it's part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So... Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been...\nCarol: Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess.\nJan: Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport.\nCarol: Well, I'm having a nice time.\nJan: Oh, me too. Me too.\nRyan: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.\nJim: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?\nMichael: All right!\nDealer: The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four!\nDwight: Come on, shooter!\nMichael: Four! [Holds dice in front of Carol] Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. [Holds dice in front of Jan] All right, here we go!\nCarol: All right.\nMichael: Yeah!\nDealer: Five.\nMichael: So close. So close.\nDwight: Come on. [Turns to Jan] So where you staying? Radisson?\nJan: What?\nDwight: Super 8?\nJan: No, I...\nDwight: Motel 6? Best Western?\nJan: I didn't... I don't know...\nDwight: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?\nKevin: I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah... I'm pretty good at poker.\nKevin: All-in.\nPhyllis: Okay, let's do it.\nBob Vance: Good Luck, honey.\nPhyllis: Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn't matter, it's just fun to play.\nKevin: Three queens.\nDwight: Nice, very nice.\nPhyllis: I have an ace.\nOscar: No, that's a flush.\nDwight: Oh, man!\nPhyllis: Oh, I have a flush!\nBob: Yes!\nPhyllis: Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again?\nKevin: I suck.\nRoy: She took you down, huh?\nKevin: I do not want to talk about it.\nRoy: Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock.\nKevin: Yeah?\nRoy: Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding?\nKevin: Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay?\nRoy: Whatever. I'm in charge of the music.\nKevin: Dude, you will not be sorry.\nRoy: Sweet. All right.\nKevin: All right.\nJan: Smoke?\nJim: No, thanks. You having fun?\nJan: Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here.\nJim: Yeah, we all really...\nJan: Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed\nJim: Well, I think you look great.\nJan: Why did I hook up with Michael?\nJim: Yeah, why did you?\nJan: It was very late, Jim. Very... Very late and... Have you given any more thought to the transfer?\nJim: Oh, yeah.\nJan: Good. Have you told anyone?\nJim: No.\nJan: Well, you should.\nBob: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin!\nCreed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.\nRoy: Sorry, babe. I am just beat.\nPam: It's okay. I'll see you at home.\nRoy: Okay. Hey, don't try to lose too much money, all right?\nPam: Okay.\nRoy: If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?\nJim: Okay, will do.\nRoy: See you.\nPam: Bye! Hey.\nJim: Hey, how's it going?\nPam: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker.\nJim: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?\nPam: About when you want to give me more of your money?\nJim: No, I...\nPam: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.\nJim: I was just... I'm in love with you.\nPam: What?\nJim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...\nPam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?\nJim: I just needed you to know. Once.\nPam: Well, I um... I... I can't.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: You have no idea...\nJim: Don't do that.\nPam: ...what your friendship means to me.\nJim: Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be\nPam: I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.\nJim: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.\nJan: Hey. I'm leaving.\nMichael: Hey, okay.\nJan: So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud.\nMichael: Thank you.\nJan: And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks.\nMichael: Okay. Thanks for coming.\nJan: Nice to meet you.\nCarol: You, too.\nJan: And you guys have a good time together.\nMichael: Okay. Talk to you Monday.\nJan: Yeah.\nCarol: Goodbye.\nMichael: Good night. She's a good boss.\nCarol: She seems really nice.\nMichael: Oh, she's great.\nMichael: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.\nPam: [On phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim enters] I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim... [They kiss]\nMichael: Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money.\nDwight: Do you need anything?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Should I get water or donuts?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Come on, let's go. Take a seat.\nOscar: What's going on, Michael?\nMichael: I want somebody to give me the name of one of our biggest competitors.\nDwight: Office Depot!\nMichael: Good. Yes, that will work. All right. Now I need a plural noun. [All groaning]\nPam: Apparently Michael has come up with a Dunder Mifflin Mad Lib, and he's making us play it with him. We are so happy. No. I'd like to choose a different adjective.\nMichael: How about a location?\nDwight: The planet Caprica.\nMichael: Where the hell is that?\nDwight: It's from Battlestar Galactica.\nMichael: Okay, all right.\nStanley: I am going back to my desk...\nMichael: No, no, no. No, no, not until you give me an adjective.\nStanley: Annoying.\nMichael: We already have that. So...\nToby: Frustrating.\nMichael: No, Toby, damn it, come on! We already have that. I need something fun. Something like fat or smelly. Or pukey. Pukey. Pukey's good. Okay. Pukey. Now I need a noun.\nPhyllis: Ass.\nMichael: Good. Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn't so hard. All right, here we go. 'Office Depot is an annoying store. One day Creed went there to buy paper. And he ran into irritating Cylons.'\nDwight: Yeah, get them, Creed!\nMichael: One of them was named Michael Scott, and he was an...' Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay, okay, we're... Okay, we're starting over.\nDwight: My charity is the Farm Defense Fund. It's one of the best organizations that fights infestation of the beet armyworm.\nJim: My charity is the Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Department, because Dwight's a Volunteer Sheriff. So I thought this was a perfect opportunity to support/mock him.\nDwight: I don't believe that Jim moved that coat rack. But if he did, he has an obligation to use his gift wisely. With great power comes great responsibility. They could do a cross-section of his brain to find out more. But I don't think it's true, though.\nMichael: Look, if anything goes missing, we will reimburse.\nDarryl: Yeah. Can Dunder Mifflin afford that?\nMichael: Dang! Paper making paper, I.e. money.\nDarryl: What?\nMichael: Paper money. [clears throat] Yeah. The company's doing fine.\nDarryl: Mike, we're not shipping as much as we did last year.\nMichael: Hey. Okay. You know what? Don't even think. I command you to just go down and have fun tonight. All right? Don't think about it.\nMichael: Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn't hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that's really more than half the battle.\nPam: It is extremely stressful, planning a wedding by yourself. It's like a job. I mean, it's fun, but it kind of becomes like work. I've already planned it all out in my head. But it's just in my head.\nMeredith's Vet: Hey. Meredith, right?\nMeredith: Oh, God. Oh, no. I have this problem all the time. I never remember people I've had sex with.\nMeredith's Vet: I'm your vet.\nMeredith: Oh, right.\nMeredith's Vet: And we had sex in the parking lot."}
{"text": "Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will\nJim: [after 'the kiss'] You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.\nPam: Me too. ...I think we're just drunk.\nJim: No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?\nPam: No... [Jim leans in for another kiss] Jim-\nJim: Are you really gonna marry him? [Pam nods] ...Ok.\nDwight: [sobbing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! [serious]\nMichael: No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?\nToby: OK I think Oscar would just like if you used 'lame' or something like that.\nMichael: That's what faggie means!\nToby: No not really...\nToby: Apparently you called Oscar 'faggie' for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.\nMichael: It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard!\nToby: All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay.\nMichael: Exactly!\nToby: I mean for real.\nMichael: Yeah, I know.\nToby: No, I mean he's attracted to other men.\nMichael: OK, a little too far, crossed the line.\nToby: OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.\nMichael: I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.\nMichael: Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.\nOscar: No, it's fine.\nMichael: No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people 'faggie' since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude.\nOscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that.\nAngela: [in reference to Oscar being gay] It explains so much.\nOscar: No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... [sighs] Uh... yeah I'm gay.\nJim: I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable.\nJim: Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right?\nAndy: Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right?\nJim: Uh-huh, yeah. I am.\nAndy: She's pretty hot huh? [Jim nods] She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters.\nJim: OooOK.\nAndy: OooOK.\nJim: I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name.\nAndy: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? [laughs] I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, 'Here Comes Treble.'\nJosh: So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them.\nJim: Oh, I can do that.\nKaren: Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. [makes classic 'Jim'-camera face] What is that?\nMichael: Can you tell who's gay and who's not?\nDwight: Of course.\nMichael: What about Oscar?\nDwight: Absolutely not.\nMichael: Well, he\nDwight: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...\nMichael: [deep sigh] There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.\nDwight: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.\nMichael: Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.\nMichael: Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.\nDwight: I really don't think so.\nMichael: I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?\nDwight: [creepy smile]\nMichael: Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.\nDwight: Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.\nMichael: That's ridiculous.\nDwight: Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.\nMichael: [sighs] Let's call him and get the website.\nDwight: Definitely.\nJim: What's gay-dar?\nMichael: Well, they're sold out.\nDwight: Damn. [thinks] I'll try Brookstone.\nJim: I miss that.\nRoy: Chicken or fish?\nPam: [loud sigh] Chicken.\nRoy: So you havin' a good day?\nPam: Excellent, thanks.\nRoy: Good, glad. OK.\nPam: Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks.\nRoy: After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back.\nStanley: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.\nKelly: That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.\nOscar: Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan.\nAngela: Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.\nAndy: OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND!\nJan: You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation.\nMichael: I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so...\nJan: That's not what it's called.\nToby: OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?\nMichael: What? What does that even...\nJan: Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.\nMichael: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival.\nToby: All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault.\nMichael: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?\nJan: NO!\nMichael: I don't kn-\nJan: No, it's not possible.\nMichael: Anything's possible.\nJan: You know, imagine... you were gay.\nMichael: [laughs] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!\nJan: Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand?\nMichael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.\nOscar: Am I the first gay man you ever knew?\nMichael: Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer?\nPam: Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.\nDwight: Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.\nMichael: [looking at gay porn] Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful.\nDwight: Ah damn pop-ups.\nOscar: What are you doing?!\nAngela: Watching some of your friends.\nMichael: [yelling] All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!\nMichael: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men.\nMichael: We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.\nOscar: Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?\nCreed: : I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing.\nMichael: Who should be the judges and juries of our society?\nAngela: Judges and juries!\nMichael: Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?\nKevin: : That sounds great.\nDwight: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.\nOscar: No one else in this office is gay.\nDwight: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!\nPhyllis: I'm getting married to Bob Vance.\nMichael: That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance!\nMichael: But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do!\nPhyllis: No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school.\nMichael: [laughing] Right! [serious] And I take that as a compliment.\nPhyllis: Well with your ties and your matching socks and -\nMichael: Well, I just like to look good OK, so -\nOscar: You sound pretty defensive Michael.\nMichael: No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!\nOscar: I think the problem with this office is that\nMichael: No no no. The only signal that I am sending is:\nMichael: Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag.\nOscar: I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.\nMichael: You misunderstand- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend -\nOscar: I would rather not.\nMichael: ...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me!\nOscar: No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small!\nMichael: All right, um... sorry.\nOscar: Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. [Oscar and Michael hug]\nMichael: [sobbing] I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy.\nDwight: Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.\nMichael: [embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. [awkwardly kissing Oscar] I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. [everyone claps]\nMichael: [Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar] Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man!\nMichael: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?\nMichael: I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said.\nMichael: Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows?\nOscar: I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.\nDwight: [reading the note with the gay-dar] 'Hope this helps. -Jim' Nice!\nOscar: [Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body] What are you doing?!\nDwight: Shhh. Don't be scared. [gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles] It works. [gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle] ...oh no.\nJan: [on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch?\nMichael: I will do my job to the best of my abilities.\nJan: [under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically.\nMichael: I will do my\nJan: Specifically\nMichael: Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients.\nMichael: Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I\nJan: [on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael?\nMichael: [quietly] No.\nJan: Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished.\nMichael: Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.]\nToby: Michael?\nMichael: [sigh]\nMichael: Hi, honey. You holding up?\nPam: Yup.\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: I'm... painting my new apartment tonight.\nMichael: Oh, good. By yourself?\nPam: Yes.\nMichael: Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much.\nPam: Thanks.\nMichael: Roy.\nPam: Right.\nPam: What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business!\nOscar: Yes, I'm gay.\nMeredith: [shocked expression]\nMeredith: Why are all the best-looking single men always gay?\nAndy: Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google Google? What do you think would happen?\nJim: Let's find out. [starts typing]\nAndy: [makes frustrated noises]\nJim: Oh! Lots of results.\nAndy: I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna."}
{"text": "Michael: Pam?\nPam: Yeah?\nMichael: Did you see Oprah yesterday?\nPam: No, I didn't.\nMichael: I, uh... I am going to be a father.\nPam: What was Oprah about?\nMichael: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost.\nPam: That's a really big decision.\nMichael: I know.\nPam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt.\nMichael: Well...\nPam: Or not adopt.\nMichael: Just do it, okay?\nPam: Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars.\nMichael: Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?\nPam: You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months.\nMichael: Eight months?\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months.\nPam: You probably won't.\nMichael: You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby...\nPam: No, Michael.\nMichael: Twenty years.\nPam: No, Michael.\nMichael: Thirty.\nPam: Sure.\nMichael: It's a deal.\nRyan: All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms.\nMichael: Yesh.\nRyan: Uh, fun jeans.\nMichael: Right there. Ah.\nAngela: Sign.\nMichael: Per diem.\nMichael: Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.\nDwight: Don't be mad, it is a business trip.\nAngela: But I don't understand. It's for managers.\nDwight: Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager.\nAngela: I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. [A long silence.] Are you still there?\nDwight: Yes, Monkey.\nAngela: Don't 'Monkey' me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M.\nAngela: In the Martin family, we like to say, 'Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly.' That's code for 'check out the slut.' What is... why are there flies in here?\nKelly: Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing?\nPam: This.\nKelly: You look so pretty.\nPam: Thank you.\nPam: Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that.\nKelly: Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power.\nMichael: Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom?\nKelly: My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight.\nMichael: Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker.\nDwight: And your veil.\nMichael: Yeah, do it!\nPam: I'll probably just wear this.\nMichael: Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim?\nPam: Um...\nMichael: Um. Okay, um.\nDwight: Um.\nMichael: You got that?\nDwight: I got it.\nMichael: Write it down.\nDwight: I got it.\nDwight: Um.\nMichael: Um.\nDwight and Michael: [singing] Um, um, um...\nCreed: There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train?\nAngela: That was for per diem, for Philadelphia.\nMeredith: That town smells like cheese steaks.\nAngela: That town is full of history!\nCreed: Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [introducing himself] Creed.\nDwight: Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?\nJosh: Hey, Michael.\nMichael: Hey, Josh, how ya doing?\nJosh: Pretty good.\nMichael: Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns.\nMichael: I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.\nJim: It's really good to see you, man.\nMichael: Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too!\nDwight: Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet?\nJim: Yeah, sold about forty thousand.\nMichael: Hey!\nDwight: Shut up. That's impossible.\nJim: No, it's not. I did. Yep.\nDwight: Well, I did it too.\nJim: You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.\nKevin: So did you hear?\nToby: What?\nKevin: Pam's back on the market again.\nToby: Really? She's dating?\nKevin: If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that.\nDwight: So what kind of commissions you get up there?\nJim: Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much.\nDwight: You're so immature!\nJosh: Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman.\nMichael: Ah.\nJosh: And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford.\nJan: Oh, hey!\nDwight: Hey, Jan.\nJan: We all checked in?\nJosh: Yes.\nJan: Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour.\nJosh: Okay.\nJan: Okay!\nMichael: Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules.\nJan: What are you talking about?\nMichael: The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention.\nJan: Step away from me, Michael.\nMichael: Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you.\nKelly: Alan's cartoon is so funny, right?\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nKelly: And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time.\nDwight: This party is going to be awesome.\nMichael: I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.\nDwight: Check it out.\nMichael: That is crooked on that side.\nDwight: Wow.\nMichael: Hey hey!\nJim: That is a lot of liquor.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: And a dart board.\nMichael: Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop.\nJosh: We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan.\nMichael: Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen?\nJosh: A shot of MIDORI, perhaps.\nJim: Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there.\nMichael: Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.\nJosh: Um, we should...\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up.\nDwight: I'll do a shot, Michael.\nMichael: Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet.\nMichael: SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.\nMichael: Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin.\nJerome Bettis: All right.\nDwight: I'm a huge fan.\nJerome Bettis: Thanks. I appreciate it, guys.\nMichael: You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come.\nJerome Bettis: All right, maybe. If I can.\nMichael: Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there?\nJerome Bettis: No, you cannot.\nMichael: So maybe. See ya.\nDwight: Why do they call him The Bus?\nMichael: Because he's afraid to fly.\nDwight: Smile!\nMichael: Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there!\nJosh: All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front.\nMichael: Yep. Yeah, she's up front.\nDwight: You don't have email on your phone.\nMichael: I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello?\nDwight: No one just called you.\nJosh: All right.\nJim: All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care.\nTed: I'll see you soon.\nJosh: Yeah, stop by later.\nMichael: [into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please?\nMichael: I need you to do something for me.\nDwight: Yes. Anything.\nMichael: I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.\nDwight: I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat.\nToby: Hey, Pam.\nPam: Hey! What's up?\nToby: It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted...\nPam: [answering phone] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. [hangs up] Sorry. What's up?\nToby: Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird.\nPam: Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here.\nToby: Okay.\nDwight: So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera.\nMichael: And?\nDwight: He wasn't volunteering today.\nMichael: Business has been pretty crazy around the office.\nJim: Oh yeah?\nMichael: Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk.\nJim: Oh, tell him I say hi.\nMichael: I will call him later with that message.\nJim: Hey, how is... Toby?\nMichael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?\nJim: Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to...\nMichael: Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically.\nJim: Michael, it's really not a competition.\nJosh: Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow.\nJan: Great!\nMichael: Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip.\nDwight: Whoa. Michael.\nWaiter: Wow, oh my God, thank you.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nDwight: Was that your per diem?\nMichael: No, that was a different hundred dollar bill.\nJan: What have you generated, Michael?\nMichael: I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening.\nJan: What party?\nMichael: The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited.\nJan: Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7.\nPhyllis: You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it.\nStanley: If you do that, you're going to have to put out.\nPhyllis: Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out.\nAngela: Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you.\nMichael: Any messages for 308? All right.\nMichael: Hey hey, fellers.\nJim: Michael.\nDwight: Hey, Michael.\nMichael: What's up?\nJosh: Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now.\nMichael: Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton.\nJosh: I don't think so.\nMichael: Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend.\nJosh: Fine! All right.\nMichael: Okay! Excellent. Oh...\nDwight: Keep the wing flaps.\nMichael: Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam!\nJim, Josh, and Dwight: Hi, Pam.\nMichael: Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye.\nMichael: You first.\nDwight: Come on. Nice try, Josh!\nMichael: Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing.\nJosh: Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael.\nMichael: Well, let's...\nJosh: Yeah, we should go.\nMichael: Come on!\nJosh: We gotta go.\nMichael: Come on!\nJosh: Uh... we'll do it later.\nEvan: Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line?\nMichael: Fine.\nMichael: Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work.\nEvan: That is so true. Ready?\nMichael: Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for.\nEvan: Great.\nMichael: Sorry, my meeting ran late.\nJan: Really?\nMichael: Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill.\nJosh: They're exclusive with Staples.\nMichael: Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products.\nDwight: Yes! Ha!\nJan: Well, Michael, I underestimated you.\nMichael: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.\nJim: Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard.\nAngela: D?\nJim: Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!\nKelly: So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day.\nAlan: Oh, great.\nRyan: I don't want ketchup.\nKelly: You love ketchup! He loves ketchup.\nPam: So how do you come up with your cartoons?\nAlan: Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them.\nPam: You dream in cartoons? How fun!\nMichael: Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend.\nGuy: I thought there was a party in here.\nMichael: This is the party.\nGuy: This is room 308?\nMichael: Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right.\nAlan: See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels.\nPam: Huh.\nAlan: [French accent] Freedom fries for the table.\nPam: Freedom fries. Yeah.\nAlan: Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, 'Don't be edgy.' But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it.\nPam: Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan.\nAlan: Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain.\nPam: More freedom fries.\nAlan: Yeah.\nPam: That's great.\nAlan: Okay.\nPam: I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know.\nJim: Michael. Am I the first to arrive?\nMichael: People have been filtering in and out.\nJim: Can I get a drink?\nMichael: What?\nJim: Can I get a drink?\nMichael: Sure. You like Cosmos?\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy?\nJim: Michael...\nMichael: I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just...\nJim: Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss.\nMichael: I'm not better than Josh.\nJim: Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam.\nMichael: Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now.\nJim: No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice.\nMichael: I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her.\nJim: Nope, that's okay.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: That's all right.\nMichael: I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling.\nJim: Yeah. Okay, maybe.\nEvan: Are we early?\nMichael: Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: Evan, this is Jim.\nJim: How are you?\nEvan: Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim.\nMichael: Hey, Ernie, how ya doing?\nEvan: Do you guys work together?\nJim: No, we used to. Now we're friends.\nMichael: Best friends.\nMichael: Some people need dozens of friends to say, 'Hey, look at me, I'm popular.' But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly.\nMichael: Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on] Ha, ha, ha.\nDwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha.\nMichael: Whoa. What are those stains?\nDwight: Blood, urine, or semen.\nMichael: Oh, God, I hope it's urine.\nMichael: Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy.\nMichael: [Angela enters Michael's office] Ah.\nAngela: Sign.\nMichael: Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins.\nRyan: [reading checklist] Fun jeans.\nMichael: [points to door] Right there.\nRyan: Fourth quarter projections for Jan?\nMichael: Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me.\nRyan: Will do.\nMichael: Sure you don't want to come?\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot.\nRyan: [shakes his head]\nMichael: A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. 'Connecticut.' And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he\nMichael: See that factory?\nDwight: Mm-hm.\nMichael: I almost worked there.\nDwight: No!\nMichael: Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there.\nDwight: What would you have done? Been manager?\nMichael: I was going to be a bottle capper.\nDwight: You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief]\nMichael: I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world.\nJosh: Yes, I'm aware of Jan and Michael's... history. Um, I don't really like to talk about it 'cause it's unprofessional. Kind of gross.\nMichael: Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean.\nDwight: So, you ever been convicted of a felony?\nJosh: What? Uh, no. [to Jim] Uh, I want you to make sure you call Karen and get her to fax that vendor list over.\nDwight: Misdemeanor?\nJosh: Um... When I was in the Coast Guard, a couple of us broke into the women's barracks and we got arrested for trespassing.\nDwight: Coast Guard? So you know how to fight underwater?\nJosh: [stunned]\nJan: [Jim, Josh, and Jan walk in the hotel lobby] Josh, um... [Jim continues walking ahead] Why don't you come up to my room for a couple of minutes and we can just go over the schedule for tomorrow together.\nJosh: Can we do it over breakfast? It'll be...\nJan: A quick drink?\nJosh: Thanks, but maybe another time.\nJan: [putting on a good face] Great! [walks off]"}
{"text": "Michael: [waiting on Pam to be done with the microwave] Ahhhhhhhhh. [whispering loudly] I'm hungry.\nMichael: Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues!\nMichael: Let's gooooo! Let's go, let's go, let's go!\nDwight: [directing people to their assigned seats] Take a seat down there. Second from the end.\nMichael: Alright, everybody here? Yes.\nPam: [walking in with a tray of six popcorn bags] Popcorn anyone?\nMichael: Yes pleeeeease! Thank yooouuu!\nPam: [with five popcorn bags left] Anyone else? Nooo.\nPam: Movie Monday started with training videos, but we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched a medical video. Since then, it's been half hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.\nMichael: Entourage!\nMichael: Kevin, would you like to do the scenes from last week?\nKevin: Yes!\nDwight: Why him?\nMichael: Don't whine. Get the window. [Dwight exhales]\nMichael: Previously on Varsity Blues...\nKevin: Ok. Billy-Bob, got a head injury, but coach made him play. So then Lance, he gets sacked, he's out for the year...\nJan: [walking into an empty office because everyone is watching Varsity Blues] Hello?\nDwight: Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won't say who.\nAngela: I don't approve. I don't.\nJan: Hello? [Angela coughs and points to the conference room]\nMichael: [Jan walks in on Movie Monday] Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!\nJan: How would a movie increase productivity Michael? How on earth would it do that?\nMichael: People work faster after...\nJan: Magically?\nMichael: No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.\nJan: No.\nAngela: [walking past Dwight's desk] Kitchen.\nAngela: Michael is going to get us all fired. You sat back and let him play that dumb movie, and now Jan is peeved off and we're all going to lose our jobs.\nDwight: That's not going to happen.\nAngela: You know she has it out for him now.\nDwight: That's not his fault! He had to follow his heart!\nDwight: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.\nAngela: Dwight, you should be running this office.\nDwight: Michael would never let me...\nAngela: It's not up to Michael, it's Jan's call. Talk to her.\nDwight: I could never do that!\nAngela: Fine! Sit back and do nothing and let us all get fired!\nAngela: I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair.\nJim: At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video game called Call of Duty, and they're all really into it. I'm told it started as a team building exercise. Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like, uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it... Pretendenitus.\nPam: [on the phone] Hey Kelly, my stuff just got here. [Kelly screams with excitement into the phone and Pam has to take it away from her ear]\nPam: Kelly really likes to online shop. Soooo, I felt like I wanted some new clothes. I mean, I just, I wanted to, it just, I felt like it was time, to maybe um... just get new clothes.\nPam: [pulling her new shirt out of a box] Ok.\nKelly: [gasps] I love it!\nPam: Really? I don't know.\nKelly: You haven't even tried it on yet, try it on.\nPam: Not at work, I'll try it on-\nKelly: Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!\nPam: ...noooo\nKelly: [clapping her hands in unison] Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!\nAndy: Why did you do that?!\nJim: I'm just killing Germans, any way I can.\nAndy: We're on the German team. Shoot the Brittish.\nJim: [turning around to Karen] Wait, are we playing teams?\nKaren: [laughing] Yeah.\nDwight: [outside in the parking lot, pacing back and forth] WAH! GAH! [breathing heavily]\nJan: [answering the phone] Hello?\nDwight: Is this Jan?\nJan: Who is this?\nDwight: This is Dwight Schrute. I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter.\nJan: You should talk to Michael, and he'll talk to me, and that way we don't have to speak to each other.\nDwight: It's about Michael.\nJan: What about him?\nDwight: [exhales] I can't talk here. It's too sensitive.\nJan: It's not about a surprise party is it?\nDwight: No, but we should discuss that another time.\nJan: Look, I am already an hour outside of Scranton, Dwight, I'm not coming back.\nDwight: Pull over at exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop, until I can meet you.\nJan: How do you know I like that store?\nDwight: Many of your blouses are Claiborne's.\nJan: How do you know that?\nDwight: Part of my job.\nJan: No it's not. It's officially not.\nDwight: ...noted.\nDwight: [walking into Michael's office] I'm going... to the dentist.\nMichael: Ok.\nDwight: I have to have an emergency crown put in.\nMichael: Ouchy.\nDwight: Yes. It's a new dentist. He's far. I might be gone... three hours.\nMichael: Three hours, wow. Have fun. [Dwight walks away staring through the blinds at Michael]\nDwight: Did you get anything good?\nJan: Yeah.\nDwight: New blouse? Halter top? Camisole? Teddy?\nDwight: I can save the branch.\nJan: Really?\nDwight: If you let me run it.\nJan: Ok.\nDwight: [excitedly] 'Ok' I can run it?\nJan: What would you do differently?\nDwight: Mostly get rid of waste. Which is half the people there. And clean house. [to waitress in diner] Right here. It's all for me. Thank you.\nJan: Dwight, you must feel strongly, to speak with me this way, behind Michael's back, and turn on so many of your co-workers.\nDwight: The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. [pouring way too much syrup on his food] But once I did it, I didn't look back. And mostly I feel that Michael would approve. It's really what's best for the branch. And I could care less about my co-workers. So [cutting his food, giving Jan a 'so there' look], here we are. It's all, on the table. I want... the branch. And I await your decision.\nDwight: [shoveling waffles into his mouth] Oh, by the way. There's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings.\nJan: [thinks for a second] Where is it?\nJan: [on speakerphone with Michael] Michael.\nMichael: Hi.\nJan: I just had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees.\nMichael: Oh. That's nice.\nJan: No, it wasn't. Dwight just told me that he thinks he can run the branch better than you.\nMichael: ...what?\nJan: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: ...you were at the dentist?\nJan: You can't have people undermining you. Get control of your branch immediately.\nMichael: Ok.\nMichael: What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover! ...ish.\nPhyllis: [Pam walks out of the bathroom wearing her new red shirt] Woooooow.\nKelly: It's\nPhyllis: It's really something.\nPam: [smiling] It's too much.\nKelly: What?\nPam: I'm gonna return it.\nKelly: No, you have to keep it today, just see how you feel.\nRoy: [walking into the break room] Hey.\nPam: Hi.\nRoy: You look nice.\nPam: Thanks.\nKelly: Isn't that like your third soda today?\nJim: Yeah I think we can be a big help to your company. [someone dims the lights, signifying that it's game time] Ok, see you next week. Bye. [to Karen] Again?\nKaren: Scared?\nKaren: [with her hands making the rocker sign] Call of Duty!\nJosh: [sounding upset] Andy, Jim, can I see you in the conference room for a minute?\nAndy: Now?\nJosh: Yes now.\nAndy: Put the game on hold everyone.\nJosh: This is not working, ok? We are getting slaughtered out there.\nAndy: It's the new guy. [looks at Jim]\nJim: Oh, I'm sorry I don't know... what we're talking about...\nAndy: See what I mean?\nJosh: We just need a strategy, ok? We're going to set up a trap in the gun room. All right Jim, are you using the MP-40 or the 44?\nJim: Um, sniper rifle?\nJosh: SNIPE-\nAndy: WHAT?\nJosh: JIM!\nAndy: Are you playing for the other team?!\nJosh: You don't snipe in Carrington, ok?\nAndy: Saboteur!\nJosh: Andy, it's not-\nAndy: Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.\nMichael: Hey Dwight.\nDwight: Hey.\nMichael: Do you want an M&M?\nDwight: No thanks I'm stuffed.\nMichael: No seriously. You should have an M&M, they're really good.\nDwight: ...ok. [takes and eats several M&M's]\nMichael: They're good, huh?\nDwight: ...so good.\nMichael: Hey. I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put in.\nDwight: They have this new kind of quick drying bonding, so...\nMichael: Sounds like a good dentist.\nDwight: Oh, yeah.\nMichael: What's his name?\nDwight: [long pause] Crentist.\nMichael: Your dentist's name is Crentist.\nDwight: Yep.\nMichael: Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.\nDwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.\nMichael: Let me see your teeth. Let me see 'em. Let me see 'em.\nDwight: [reluctantly opens his mouth and Michael peers inside] Ahh. Aaaah.\nMichael: You should... floss.\nDwight: I know...\nMichael: [exhales] Well then... I am glad you're ok.\nMichael: Business is like a jungle. And I... am like a tiger. And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? [smiling] Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.\nMichael: Dwight, can I talk to you for a second?\nMichael: [in Michael's office] Wow, this is tough.\nDwight: What?\nMichael: Ohhhh. Arrrgggh!\nDwight: What is it?\nMichael: Well, I just got off the phone with Jan. And um... she demoted me.\nDwight: No.\nMichael: Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job!\nDwight: Gahh!\nMichael: And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that um, I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.\nDwight: I can't believe this news. That- wow.\nMichael: I know. I told her I didn't know whether you'd wanna do it... because you've always been so loyal to me. You've been my most trusted ally.\nDwight: You said that?\nMichael: Yep, I did. I did. But I think... you should do it.\nDwight: Well... Gosh, if you think I should. Then I will.\nMichael: [exhales] Perfect, well, we're settled.\nDwight: All right.\nMichael: All right. Well then, you are now acting manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, and I... am assistant regional manager.\nDwight: Assistant to the regional manager. Thank you Michael, for staying on. I really appreciate it.\nMichael: Ohh..\nDwight: Hey... I can't imagine this place without you.\nMichael: [muttering] Can't you? That's so nice.\nMichael: Well... I guess we should go tell the troops.\nDwight: Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike. [Dwight exhales, Michael looks at the camera] Ok let's do it.\nMichael: Hey, hi, hello. Everybody, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. I... am being replaced, as your leader, by Dwight.\nPhyllis: You're kidding...\nMichael: You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that.\nAngela: Congratulations Dwight.\nDwight: Thank you Angela.\nStanley: But... why Dwight?\nMichael: Because, Dwight... never lies.\nStanley: How does that qualify him to run a branch?\nMichael: Because that's all it takes.\nMichael: Ok, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody... about loyalty?\nDwight: Thank you Michael. I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black! With ferocity!\nPhyllis: Michael, what will you do?\nMichael: Oh, I'll be fine.\nKevin: Do you have any savings?\nMichael: No, no, I don't, but-\nKevin: Michael, you might lose your condo.\nMichael: I... won't. I won't.\nPam: I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.\nPhyllis: Maybe I'll quit.\nAngela: It's really happening!\nDwight: Yes.\nAngela: We can make a difference here.\nDwight: I\nAngela: You alone? Because I thought together we could-\nDwight: Oh please, don't be naive. But you can be in charge of the women.\nKaren: [whispering] Look how cute he is! He's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.\nJim: I'm sorry what are you whispering about?\nKaren: I'm sorry nothing, just concentrate on turning around.\nJim: I'm trying-\nKaren: Just tap S then D.\nJim: Oh.\nKaren: [her players gun is pointed directly at Jim's player's head] Any... last words? No?\nJim: What? [Karen's player shoots Jim's player, 'You killed Jim Halpert' appears on the screen, Karen giggles]\nJim: Wow. Psychopath. [Karen grins widely at Jim]\nPam: What?\nCreed: I'm just looking.\nPam: Please go back to your desk.\nCreed: In a minute.\nPam: Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work. But I'm gonna keep the clothes. I mean, it'll be cool to just have some after work clothes that aren't pajamas.\nMichael: Well, I guess it's time, that I turn over the keys, to the famous Sebring.\nDwight: [smiling] No thank you.\nMichael: It's a corporate lease Dwight, you've earned it.\nDwight: No thanks.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: Not my style.\nMichael: But you said you liked it. You've always admired it.\nDwight: Well that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible, it's a ridiculous choice for this climate.\nMichael: [Michael finally breaks] Take it back.\nDwight: [confused] No.\nMichael: That's my car.\nDwight: What did you-\nMichael: THAT'S MY CAR.\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: I know, Dwight. I know. I know. I know.\nDwight: You know what?\nMichael: Jan called me about your little meeting!\nDwight: No!\nMichael: I know, what you did. I made the whole thing up, Dwight.\nDwight: I think the Sebring's cool. It's cool. The Seabring's cool. It has a cassette and it has a CD.\nMichael: Oh do you? Do you like the Sebring- HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you, Dwight?\nDwight: [Dwight gets on his knees and puts his face down on the ground] Don't fire me. Please.\nMichael: Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!\nDwight: [terrified] I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!\nMichael: Not. Good. Enough!\nDwight: [sobbing] I'll do anything! Anything! I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year!\nMichael: I have a laundry machine!\nDwight: I'm sorry! I'll do anything, I swear. [squeaking, crying]\nMichael: I don't know if I can trust you anymore.\nDwight: You can't. You can't. But I promise I'll never betray you again. What can I do, Michael. What can I do? [Michael exhales] What can I do? [Dwight has his face to the ground but his butt raised high in the air] What can I do? What can I do?\nMichael: You can get up. Get up. [Dwight gets up with spit hanging from his lips] And you can hug it out, bitch. [Dwight and Michael have a firm embrace]\nMichael: Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just... let it go. And walk away. And they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn't translate.\nJim: [leaving his desk for the day, pretends pull the pen out of a pretend grenade, and tosses it to Karen]\nKaren: [throws some desk material in the air to signify debris from the grenade explosion, grins as Jim walks away]\nMichael: Yep. Yeah, we hugged it out. But, it turns out, I was still a little angry. So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, [cut to Dwight standing on a box with 'LIAR' written on a piece of paper hung around his neck, Dwight's head hung in shame] and I'm making him do my laundry for a year.\nMichael: Okay. [Jan leaves Michael's office; Dwight enters]\nDwight: Hey. [shuts door] Is everything okay?\nMichael: It is not your business, Dwight.\nDwight: If the branch is in trouble, there are things you can do.\nMichael: What do you know about management, Dwight?\nDwight: I know that we need to cut costs. We could fire Meredith. That's a big cost.\nMichael: I'm not firing anyone.\nDwight: Creed might be living here, we could charge him rent.\nMichael: ... What?\nCreed: Four nights a week, I sleep under my desk, and then three nights I stay at my place in Toronto. They don't know about this job up there. It's a welfare state. Beautiful countries, both of 'em.\nMichael: Okay. Here we go. Everybody, you know what? It dawned on me we were all in there watching a movie together before we were so rudely interrupted, Let's get back in there. [no takers] Come on. Movie Monday! Come on, Stanley let's go.\nStanley: [standing at the supply shelf] I'm on the phone.\nMichael: Ryan?\nRyan: I'm pretty sure Jan said that we're not supposed to.\nMichael: Okay, well, we had scheduled this time to watch a movie together, so I guess I will just go play some online Scrabble.\nDwight: [looks to Angela]\nAngela: [shakes her head disapprovingly]\nDwight: The Schrutes are a very loyal breed. But I also have Mannheim blood from my German grandmother. And the Mannheims knew when to cut and run. No sense going down with a losing regime. But the Schrute blood... It's amazing that when these two bloods mix, the whole thing didn't explode.\nMichael: So, she sleeps with him, but she is still in love with the head surgeon, um, the McDreamy guy, and she starts crying, but the dorky doctor, he's in love with her... [phone rings]\nPam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. ... Uh, sure, I'll get him for you. [to Michael] It's Jan for you.\nMichael: Really?\nPam: Yeah.\nPam: I may have a few weeks ago faked a call from Jan in order to get out of a synopsis of, I think it was, Navy: NCIS. Since then, Michael's been suspicious.\nKevin: Nnnnice. Wow!\nJim: [playing Call of Duty] Oh? Someone's left out in the open, taking a little siesta. Not smart. [shoots] Yes! Finally killed you... [Karen's desk is empty]\nJan: Hey, Jim?\nJim: Hey, Jan.\nJan: How's work going?\nJim: [nervously] Pretty good.\nJan: [kills Jim's character, giggles] Oh, you know what, I gotta see Josh right now, but remind me to tell you what Dwight said to me earlier, okay? You'll get a big kick out of it. [leaves]\nJim: [baffled expression]\nJim: Things are a little bit... different here in Stamford. [shrug] It's not bad."}
{"text": "Michael: Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?\nRyan: Uh, no thanks, I'm good.\nMichael: Oh, it's okay, I'm going down.\nRyan: Um... Yeah, absolutely.\nMichael: All right, I'll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs]\nDwight: [laughs uproariously and applauds] Whoo!\nMichael: [hands Ryan pencil] There you go.\nDwight: Awesome!\nRyan: Thank you.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nDwight: Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?\nMichael: Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk]\nDwight: Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo!\nMichael: There you go, fresh from the warehouse.\nPam: Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?\nMichael: There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam.\nPam: But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better.\nRyan and others: Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great.\nMichael: [breathless] All right. Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee]\nMichael: I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.\nPam: [after Michael returns with coffee] With cream and sugar?\nMichael: [sighs] All right.\nJan: [on speakerphone] So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck.\nMichael: Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me?\nJan: Michael, Ed died over the weekend.\nMichael: Oh, wow.\nMichael: Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died.\nKelly: Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news! You must feel so sad.\nMichael: Yes, I am. It's very sad. Because he was my boss.\nPhyllis: That's a shame. Ed was a good guy.\nMichael: That's right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up.\nMichael: So did you hear the news?\nPam: The news that you just announced? That Ed died?\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: Is there anything I can do?\nMichael: Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It's... pssssh... . He was almost 70. Circle of life.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: [holds out arms to Pam]\nPam: Oh. Okay.\nMichael: Yeah. Mmmmmm.\nPam: [extricating herself] Okay.\nJosh: What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list?\nKaren: Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry.\nJosh: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?\nJim: Oh yeah, definitely.\nAndy: [coughing out his words] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?\nJosh: Thank you, everyone.\nKaren: [at vending machine] Dammit.\nJim: What's up?\nKaren: Uh, nothing. They're just out of Herr's chips.\nJim: Oh.\nKaren: But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority.\nJim: Mmm, that's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please.\nCreed: It's a real shame about Ed, huh?\nMichael: Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'.\nCreed: About what?\nMichael: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that.\nCreed: Ed was decapitated.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: Really?\nCreed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off.\nMichael: Oh my God.\nDwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.\nCreed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.\nDwight: You're thinking of a chicken.\nCreed: What did I say?\nMichael: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him.\nMichael: [clears throat] So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this...\nDwight: Ed was decapitated.\nMichael: What are you doing?\nDwight: You said you didn't know how to say it.\nMichael: I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.\nDwight: Hey.\nAngela: Hi.\nDwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.\nAngela: I do not wanna talk about this.\nDwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.\nMichael: I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here.\nJan: [on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?\nMichael: You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off.\nJan: Well, what would you suggest?\nMichael: [thoughtfully] A statue.\nJan: Of Ed?\nMichael: Yeah.\nJan: [scoffs] I'm not sure that's realistic.\nMichael: Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him.\nJan: No, that's not-\nMichael: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move...\nDwight: That is not a statue, that is a robot.\nMichael: I think that is a great way to honor Ed.\nDwight: And how big do you want this robot?\nMichael: Life-size.\nDwight: Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.\nJan: What the hell are you two talking about?\nMichael: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.\nJan: You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today...\nMichael: Mm hm.\nJan: ...and I have to get back to work.\nMichael: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.\nJan: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.\nMichael: But Ed truck can't because he is-\nJan: Goodbye. [hangs up]\nMichael: DEAD.\nDwight: Look [holding up sketch] I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us.\nMichael: That's perfect.\nJim: Okay, that is a 'no' on the on the West Side Market.\nKaren: Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now?\nJim: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.\nKaren: I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.\nJim: Really?\nKaren: Yeah, all day.\nAndy: Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in.\nJim: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen.\nAndy: Did you check the vending machine?\nKaren: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?\nJim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier.\nKaren: Mm.\nJim: And then we checked the fax machine.\nKaren: Yeah, nothing there.\nAndy: Did you check your... butt?\nMichael: Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.\nPhyllis: Okay that's enough.\nMichael: What?\nStanley: We do not wanna hear about this.\nMichael: Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head!\nStanley: You have just spit on my face.\nMichael: Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!\nMichael: There are five stages to grief, which are [glancing at computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard. And it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.\nMichael: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.\nRoy: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car.\nMichael: Okay, fine. Hurry back.\nRoy: [as they leave] There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the 'grief counseling' session.\nPam: Oh. I would like a break.\nRoy: How are you likin' the new car?\nPam: Great.\nRoy: Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags?\nPam: I think so. I don't know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders.\nRoy: [laughs] Well, you're not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah.\nJim: [on phone] Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr's salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't ... . yeah. You have 'em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number... six. Wait, no. I'll call you back. [quickly hangs up] Shut up [to Karen].\nKaren: [laughing] Six?\nMichael: [as Pam returns to conference room] Okay, we can start. Um...\nPam: You waited for me?\nMichael: Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?\nDwight: [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.\nMichael: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else.\nStanley: [throwing ball back] Nope.\nMichael: [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.\nStanley: I will NOT. [throws ball back]\nMichael: Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.\nPam: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.\nMichael: Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay.\nRyan: [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.\nMichael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?\nRyan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.\nKevin: Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so...\nMichael: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game?\nPhyllis: Well, there is a ball.\nMichael: All right, we're starting over.\nStanley: No, I'm done.\nMichael: You are not leaving. No! We are not done.\nAngela: We really have a lot of work to do right now.\nMichael: Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. [breaking down]\nToby: Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going.\nMichael: How do you know?\nToby: What?\nMichael: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?\nToby: It was obvious...\nMichael: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying]\nDwight: Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael. Michael ...\nMichael: [seeing bird] Oh, God!\nDwight: [in disgust] Oh...\nMichael: Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ...\nDwight: Poor little fella.\nMichael: Oh shhhh-oot!\nDwight: He is a goner.\nMichael: No, he's not.\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: No, he's not. [cradling bird next to face]\nDwight: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!\nMichael: Well, you can't get diseases from a bird!\nAngela: A dead bird should not be in the kitchen!\nMichael: We don't know if it's dead.\nKelly: Ugh, no that thing is\nDwight: You want me to flush him?\nMichael: Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.\nMeredith: I have a lot of work to do.\nMichael: Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it.\nAngela: But...\nMichael: No, no, no! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him.\nKaren: I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal.\nJim: Nice!\nKaren: [on phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir.\nJim: Sounded good.\nKaren: Thanks.\nKelly: [crying]\nMichael: It's okay. It's okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show.\nKelly: I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan [Michael walks away disgusted] for him to know that we have a date tonight?\nDwight: [trying to shove bird into a can] Argh... gah!\nMichael: What are... What are you doing?\nDwight: What? No, this is about the right size.\nMichael: No, God, no it's not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!?\nDwight: I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. [pause] It would have fit if he had given me another minute.\nDwight: I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.\nPam: Is it for the bird?\nDwight: Yeah.\nPam: I have it covered. [hands Dwight a decorated box]\nDwight: Oh, thank you.\nPam: If you wanna do something for the funeral...\nDwight: Yes, please.\nPam: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.\nDwight: Excellent.\nPam: Do you have it with you?\nDwight: Always. [runs off]\nPam: Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.\nKaren: [spotting Herr's chips on her desk] Where'd you find them?\nJim: Where'd I find what?\nJim: I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door.\nMichael: Glad you could all make it.\nKelly: You told us we had to.\nMichael: Dwight, do you have the box?\nPam: Actually, I have it.\nMichael: You made this? Wow. [impressed] That's... that's very nice.\nRyan: When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking 'I'm a little too old for this.' And I was\nPam: I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay.\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: What do we know about this bird? You might think, 'Not much. It's just a bird.' But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above.\nKevin: Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny.\nPam: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.\nDwight: He's not a songbird.\nMichael: Shhh.\nPam: An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.\nAngela: [quickly] Amen.\nDwight: [begins playing recorder]\nPam: [singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ...\nMichael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.\nDwight: Let's get back to work.\nHannah: Hey Jimmy. Want to see some pictures of my baby?\nJim: Umm... sure.\nHannah: [shows picture] Here he is.\nJim: [chuckles] He's so cute.\nHannah: And here's his first bath. Warning: contains nudity.\nJim: That's okay. [Hannah shows pic of husband naked with baby] Oh, no, it's not. I'm sorry, is that your husband in the tub with him?\nHannah: You think we should have left our baby in the tub alone? [Jim shakes head] Talk to me when you have kids.\nJim: Sounds good.\nJan: [on the phone] Ed Truck died over the weekend.\nMichael: Oh, wow. He...\nJan: Yeah. And I know... I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know.\nMichael: Does his family know?\nJan: Yes, they know, Michael.\nMichael: But I'm the first in the office?\nJan: I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects.\nMichael: Okay, yes, sure, I will do that...\nJan: Good.\nMichael: ...'Cause I'm the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up]\nMichael: Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I've had more time to be sad.\nDwight: Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all.\nDwight: Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both.\nMichael: I would like you all to clear your schedules this afternoon, because I am telling corporate to send in a grief counselor. We need to find out what is blocking you. And that way, we'll be able to honor Ed the way he deserves to be honored. May he rest in peace.\nKevin: ...ces. [chuckles]\nMichael: What was that, Kevin?\nKevin: Nothing.\nMichael: No, you said something, didn't you?\nKevin: May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there's, like, two pieces of him.\nMichael: You think that's funny.\nKevin: No. [chuckles]\nMichael: You are disgusting.\nDwight: Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor.\nMichael: No, that can't be right.\nToby: Well, I am trained in grief counseling, but, ahh, I don't think that's what they need right now.\nMichael: Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn't it?\nRoy: Hey there.\nPam: Hi.\nRoy: So how's your day going?\nPam: Well, I will be spending the entire afternoon in grief counseling for someone I've never met.\nRoy: That sucks. [laughs] You guys got it much harder up here.\nPam: Closer to the epicenter, I guess.\nRoy: [laughs] Cool, all right.\nToby: Well, as you know, Ed Truck passed away. So, I'm here to talk about it if anyone would like to.\nKevin: Not really.\nMichael: You're ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice.\nRyan: I did not know Ed Truck. So I will probably spend the day zoning out and planning my weekend. I think Ed would have wanted it that way.\nToby: Is anyone having any trouble eating?\nKevin: No.\nToby: Concentrating? Is anyone having trouble getting their work done today?\nStanley: I'm having trouble getting my work done today.\nToby: Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I'm always available if anyone would like to talk.\nMichael: Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I've ever met.\nToby: Michael, I'm sorry...\nMichael: No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We're gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we're going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay?\nMichael: I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, 'Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?' These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats.\nMichael: Okay, part of the problem was that Toby talked at you. Now, I am going to talk with you. First off, I want you to be comfortable, because you really can't grieve if you're all tight and buttoned up. So, guys, loosen your ties, just take your jackets off if you want. Ladies, let your hair down. You know what? Even take your shoes off. I wanna get personal and I want you all to really open up. And I want you to know that anything and everything can be said.\nAngela: Okay. I don't think Kevin should take his shoes off.\nKevin: My feet do not smell. Angela knows that hyperhidrosis is a medically diagnosed condition.\nMichael: I found an exercise in Toby's binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, 'I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna talk about that. That is too private.' Here's how it works. I'm going to throw you this ball.\nToby: Yeah, the ball-throwing exercise is in the binder. It's in the section marked, 'Fun Ways To Make Brainstorming Sessions Explode With Excitement and Creativity.'\nRoy: Hey, my cousin Billy, they just had the twins.\nPam: Really?\nRoy: Yeah.\nPam: Wow, I thought that was supposed to be, like, next month.\nRoy: Yeah, I know. I guess they couldn't wait. I'll bring in a picture if you...\nPam: Yeah, I'd love to see them. Oh, and tell them I say, 'Congratulations.'\nRoy: Sure.\nPam: I should probably head back in.\nRoy: Yeah?\nPam: But, umm, thanks for the break.\nRoy: No problem.\nMichael: [in his office playing with a Dunder Mifflin Truck when it drops and the 'head' of the Truck comes off]\nPam: Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever. When I asked him why, he said, 'Because the whole family forgets the kid at home. There is nothing funny about that.'\nMichael: That's... Hold it, hold it, hold it. Start, like, right in there. [Dwight digs hole in ground] Just dig.\nDwight: Ow! God!\nMichael: Okay, give it to me. You don't know what you're doing. All right. [Michael starts digging]\nMan: Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing over there?\nMichael: Nothing. Let's just... all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use?"}
{"text": "Dwight: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?\nRyan: A dime and a nickel.\nDwight: No, I said one of them is not a nickel.\nRyan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.\nDwight: Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...\nRyan: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.\nDwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...\nRyan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.\nDwight: A hunter.\nRyan: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.\nDwight: Damn it!\nJan: Tell me what you did yesterday.\nMichael: Uhhh... nothing.\nJan: Nothing?\nMichael: Yeah, nothing. How was your day?\nJan: I don't care how your day was Michael.\nMichael: Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?\nJan: Tell me what you did yesterday.\nMichael: I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?\nMichael: Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.\nJan: Hi, Pam.\nPam: Hi.\nJan: I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?\nPam: Oh, I don't know if I'm...\nJan: Thanks Pam.\nPam: It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five.\nDwight: So you excited?\nRyan: Yeah.\nDwight: Very excited?\nRyan: Yes. I'm very excited.\nDwight: Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool.\nRyan: I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited.\nDwight: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?\nRyan: So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? [car stops] So where's the sales office?\nDwight: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.\nKaren: [squeaky chair] Hey.\nJim: What?\nKaren: My chair is squeaking.\nJim: Is it?\nKaren: You took my chair.\nJim: No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.\nKaren: When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so...\nJim: So I guess I can't get up.\nMichael: Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.\nDwight: Do you know where we are, temp?\nRyan: I know where we're not.\nDwight: I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. [Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand] AH! [Ryan tries again and takes seed] When... Damn it.\nAndy: Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second.\nJim: Sure.\nAndy: Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?\nKaren: That's it? That's what you came up with?\nAndy: I'm acting my heart out here.\nKaren: Really?\nAndy: Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped.\nAnnouncer: Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants.\nPam: Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is.\nMichael: Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me.\nMichael: [looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh... Come on.\nDwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you.\nRyan: I don't think you know what you're saying.\nDwight: Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?\nRyan: Uh huh.\nDwight: It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.\nRyan: Gotcha.\nDwight: Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.\nRyan: Ok. [Dwight drives away] Of course.\nStanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.\nKelly: Because they acted all tough and everything...\nMichael: Uh huh.\nKelly: But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to...\nMichael: [Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?\nPhyllis: I'm just saying hi to Bob.\nMichael: No, I think you're cutting in line.\nBob: Well settle down, Scott.\nMichael: No, I'm not going to settle down.\nStanley: No way.\nMichael: Get in the back please.\nStanley: Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line.\nMichael: Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five's Stanley]. That's right.\nBob: What a pair of Mary's.\nStanley: This is Pretzel Day.\nRyan: Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship.\nDwight: Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.\nKaren: [rocks in squeaky chair]\nJim: [sings] Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me,\nKaren: stop.\nJim: Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me\nKaren: This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please.\nJim: fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me,\nKaren: This is not a proportionate response.\nJim: Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.\nAndy: I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?\nPam: Michael.\nMichael: No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind.\nPam: Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks.\nMichael: I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel.\nPam: Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel.\nMichael: Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown.\nPam: You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today.\nMichael: Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back.\nDwight: It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.\nRyan: Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it.\nDwight: You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?\nRyan: Yeah.\nDwight: Come on!\nStanley: Thank you! [takes pretzel]\nMichael: Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.\nPretzel guy: We do.\nMichael: Thank God.\nPretzel guy: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar.\nMichael: Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?\nPretzel guy: The Works. You got it.\nMichael: All right! Thank you!\nDwight: Please be seated. [man runs behind Dwight]\nRyan: Who was that?\nDwight: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.\nRyan: Is that your Cousin Mose?\nDwight: Yes.\nDwight: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.\nDwight: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?\nRyan: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.\nDwight: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?\nRyan: Depression?\nDwight: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?\nKelly: I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?\nAngela: Sales take a long time.\nKelly: Oh my God, I'm so worried.\nAngela: I'm sure Dwight will protect him.\nKelly: I don't know. Dwight's so weird.\nAngela: He's not weird, he's just individualistic.\nKelly: No, he's a freak.\nAngela: You're a freak!\nDwight: Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?\nRyan: Um, loneliness. Maybe women.\nDwight: Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.\nRyan: No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK.\nDwight: Wrestle him to the ground.\nRyan: No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye.\nDwight: Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?\nCousin Mose: Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice.\nDwight: Where are all the animals?\nDwight: Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.\nDwight: You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.\nRyan: Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call.\nDwight: Screwgun. The sales call!\nKevin: [Michael is listening to 'Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter' and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song] Hey! Hey!\nMichael: Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?\nDwight: Establish time frames. Keep the phrase 'real dollars' in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.\nRyan: Wait, can you go back?\nDwight: Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.\nRyan: Ok, I'm going to establish time frames.\nDwight: Good.\nRyan: I'm going to put everything in terms of 'real dollars'.\nDwight: Right.\nRyan: I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers.\nDwight: Uh huh.\nRyan: Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing.\nDwight: Exactly. Yes.\nRyan: I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky.\nMichael: Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second...\nToby: Second?\nMichael: Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.\nKevin: Account...? Michael, what is going on?\nMichael: And I will be taking questions.\nPam: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?\nPhyllis: What's on your suit?\nMichael: Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!\nRyan: They really didn't like me.\nDwight: They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.\nRyan: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.\nDwight: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? [Ryan throws egg at building] Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.\nRyan: You drive.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan.\nDwight: [Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink] Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.\nRyan: I think about that all the time.\nKevin: Night, Pam.\nPam: Night.\nMichael: Hey, what time is it?\nPam: 20 past 5.\nMichael: AM or PM?\nPam: PM.\nMichael: Oh, good.\nPam: These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?\nMichael: Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.\nPam: This is a huge sale.\nMichael: Yes. Right. Good.\nPam: Night, Michael.\nMichael: Goodnight!\nPam: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin.\nJim: Ah, hey.\nPam: Oh my God.\nJim: Hi.\nPam: Hi.\nJim: Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing.\nPam: Oh.\nJim: And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there?\nPam: I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.\nJim: Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?\nPam: Yeah, totally. So...\nJim: So...\nPam: Do you...\nJim: Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.\nPam: Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here.\nJim: Oh, good.\nPam: A little different. What time is it there?\nJim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.\nPam: Oh, yeah. Right.\nJim: How far away did you think we were?\nPam: I don't know. It felt far.\nJim: Yeah. I have a question for you.\nPam: What?\nJim: How many words per minute does the average person type?\nPam: I type 90.\nJim: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.\nPam: It's true.\nJim: Ok, I said average.\nPam: 70? How many do you type?\nJim: Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it.\nPam: Come on. Tell me.\nJim: No.\nPam: You have to tell me now.\nJim: 65. Ok, no need to laugh.\nPam: No, it's, that's respectable.\nJim: Respectable?\nPam: So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself...\nJim: Right.\nPam: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home...\nJim: Ok.\nPam: And, I'm freaking out.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: That movie is so scary!\nJim: I know!\nPam: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.\nJim: No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?\nPam: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.\nJim: No, you're making this up!\nPam: Would I make that up?\nJim: Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories.\nPam: Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.\nJim: And how many kitchens?\nPam: I have one kitchen.\nJim: Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley.\nPam: It's actually...\nJim: Most apartments these days have like three.\nPam: Three kitchens?\nJim: Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?\nPam: [Ryan and Dwight enter] Hey, Ryan, are you ok?\nJim: Pam?\nRyan: Yeah. Yeah.\nJim: Pam?\nPam: Um. Ok, bye.\nJim: Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too.\nPam: No, I was um...\nJim: Oh, no no.\nPam: You have to go?\nJim: Yeah, uh, well.\nPam: No, I should probably go too.\nJim: Ok.\nPam: I mean, yeah.\nJim: Yeah. Bye Pam.\nPam: Bye Jim.\nStanley: Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day.\nJan: What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time.\nMichael: Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out.\nJan: Zoning out?\nMichael: Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it.\nJan: If you can account for your time...\nMichael: Yes, big if.\nJan: ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary.\nMichael: A woman spurned.\nPam: It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier.\nDwight: Take a good look at this boy...\nMichael: I always do.\nDwight: ...because you are never going to see him again.\nMichael: If you lay a finger...\nDwight: Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man.\nMichael: Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on.\nPam: Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal.\nDwight: I once saw a movie called 'Training Day'. It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American.\nDwight: Get in the car.\nRyan: I don't have a key.\nDwight: Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear]\nRyan: He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great.\nDwight: No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking.\nRyan: Huh.\nDwight: Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car.\nDwight: Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here.\nRyan: What was that first thing you did?\nDwight: [wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing.\nRyan: Oh.\nDwight: What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better.\nRyan: It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know.\nMichael: 9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: log. Lost log. Found log.' '10:00 to 11:00, light salad, three points.' That's on the wrong page.\nPam: Hey, let's focus today. Make today all about focus. I'll help you.\nMichael: Okay. That sounds good. [puts banana in toy mouth that's in his mouth] [laughs] Yes. Actually, today's a good day to do that.\nPam: Yeah.\nRyan: You know, every time I think I hit rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. 'Hey, mom.' 'Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?' 'Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field.' 'Oh, that's cool.' 'Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job.'\nDwight: Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! [discovers two teenagers naked, running] You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile.\nKevin: [in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] Shoot.\nStanley: There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough.\nMichael: What makes them so good?\nStanley: I do not know.\nMichael: I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth.\nStanley: That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh]\nKaren: Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie.\nJim: See, that's weird.\nKaren: But if you said 'Go ahead, make my day,' I would know that it's from 'Dirty Harry'. How can you not know that's from 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off'?\nAndy: Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey.\nJim: I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film.\nAndy: Seriously, you guys, ask me.\nKaren: You didn't know that 'Bueller?' was from Ferris Bueller?\nAndy: Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws."}
{"text": "Kelly: Here you go.\nMichael: Nice dress, Ryan.\nKelly: It's not a dress. It's a kurta.\nMichael: [laughing] OK.\nMichael: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween.\nKelly: You look so handsome.\nPam: Really you do. I love the material.\nKelly: I know.\nMichael: How come you didn't get me one?\nKelly: I...\nPhyllis: Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people.\nPam: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.\nMeredith: Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 'Sex and the City' at my place?\nPam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet.\nKelly: I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends.\nPam: I just feel kind of tired, you know.\nDwight: Maybe you've got mono.\nPam: Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with.\nKelly: Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right?\nDwight: Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.\nKevin: Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?\nRoy: I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going?\nKevin: Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going?\nAngela: Don't go. They eat monkey brains.\nMichael: Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.\nMichael: It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby.\nStanley: I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.\nMichael: Wha? Really? You should! It's fun.\nMichael: I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.\nMichael: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on.\nKelly: Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um...\nMichael: Kelly?\nKelly: Sparkles...\nMichael: Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.\nKelly: Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think.\nAngela: How many gods do you have?\nKelly: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.\nAngela: [points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What's her story?\nKevin: She looks like Pam from the neck down.\nDwight: Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil...\nMichael: All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'.\nJim: Sorry.\nJim: I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape... helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.\nKaren: Nice basket.\nJim: Thank you.\nMichael: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... '\nDwight: I see dead people.\nMichael: Okay. Spoiler... alert.\nDwight: He was dead the whole time.\nMichael: Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What's the... oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from?\nTony: Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms.\nKaren: Oh. Did you shake it?\nTony: Yeah, I shook it, I shook it.\nAndy: We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I.\nJim: Scuse me?\nAndy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane.\nJim: Wow.\nAndy: From 'Cheers'.\nJim: Yup.\nMichael: And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before?\nCreed: I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'.\nMeredith: Oh, that's what they call it.\nKevin: This is the best meeting we've ever had.\nMichael: Thank you, Kevin.\nAngela: I find this incredibly offensive.\nMichael: Well, I find it beautiful.\nAngela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it.\nMichael: No...\nToby: Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these.\nMichael: No, You're not going to collect them.\nToby: Yes.\nMichael: No. This is delightful, charming culture.\nMichael: My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight.\nJosh: All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner.\nKaren: Thanks.\nJosh: And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time.\nKaren: Got it.\nJim: Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation... which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.\nAndy: You guys ready to party?\nJim: What's that?\nAndy: I said are you ready TO PARTY!\nPhyllis: Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?\nAngela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on.\nKevin: Stop it. It's a disease! I've told you.\nCarol: [wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party!\nMichael: [points at woman] What does that look like to you?\nCarol: An Indian woman in a sari.\nMichael: No one's even going to notice.\nKevin: Nice outfit.\nMichael: Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol.\nMichael: I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions...\nAngela: I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat?\nServer: It's all vegetarian.\nAngela: I'll just have some bread. You used your hands.\nMichael: Oh, yuck. [spits out food]\nCarol: What? Too spicy?\nMichael: No. These s'mores are disgusting.\nCarol: They're not s'mores. They're samosas.\nMichael: Do you think they have any s'mores?\nMichael: All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?\nRyan: So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh?\nGirls: [laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi]\nRyan: What?\nKelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.\nRyan: They said something about Zach Braff.\nKelly: Don't even listen to them. They're so...\nRyan: No, you don't...\nPam: Very official.\nPam: I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?\nDwight: Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!\nKelly: I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at!\nKelly's Mom: Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome.\nKelly: Uh... excuse me. I want to get a...\nKelly's Mom: He's a perfect match.\nAndy: Hey, Big Tuna, you ready?\nJim: Yep.\nAndy: One. Two. Three. Shot!\nJim: Oh, Holy Mother of God.\nAndy: Oh, that burns! Golly. Um...\nJim: Good.\nKaren: Ooh.\nOverhead: [song by Beyonce Knowles] Looking so crazy, my baby. I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this. I've been playing myself. Baby I don't care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you're making a fool of me.\nMichael: Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night?\nKelly's Father: Yes.\nMichael: Wow.\nKelly's Father: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?\nMichael: Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet!\nKelly's Mom: She is very fair.\nMichael: She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks!\nAndy: One. Two. Three. Shot!\nJim: Oh.\nCarol: Are you okay?\nMichael: I'm going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.\nCrowd: Awww!\nCarol: Oh, Michael.\nMichael: What do you say?\nCarol: Can we talk about this in private?\nMichael: I didn't hear you. [laughs]\nCarol: [louder] Can we talk about this in private?\nMichael: [lowers microphone] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay.\nMichael: No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic...\nCarol: This is the ninth date, Michael.\nMichael: Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much.\nCarol: I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right?\nMichael: Yes.\nCarol: Okay.\nMichael: Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra.\nCarol: Okay, good night, Michael.\nMichael: All right. Good night.\nRyan: Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive.\nKelly's Mom: So you're saving money...\nRyan: Yes.\nKelly's Mom: ...to start a family and home.\nRyan: Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox.\nKelly's Father: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?\nPam: Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael.\nYoung Man: Is it? He's really outgoing, huh?\nPam: Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second?\nPam: It's hot in there. How's the naan?\nAngela: Dry. You look like you were having fun.\nPam: I am. You should come dance with us.\nAngela: I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting?\nPam: No one.\nAndy: [sings Indigo Girls] I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children...\nKaren: Andy, no acappella.\nAndy: [sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain.\nAndy and Jim: [sing] There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line\nAndy: Wait, wait.\nAndy and Jim: [sing] the less I seek my source...\nKaren: Oh, come on, guys. Please.\nAndy and Jim: [sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to..\nKaren: It's not good.\nAndy and Jim: [sing] fi-i-i-ine!\nAndy: TUNA! Are you kidding me!!\nMichael: Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow.\nPam: Here. [hands drink]\nMichael: That's so spicy.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: Oh. You waiting for a call?\nPam: Uh... no.\nMichael: Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.\nPam: Well, you were never really engaged.\nMichael: I was in that marriage arena, though.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: Yeah. Uuuuh... well.\nPam: I kind of thought something would happen tonight too.\nMichael: We're so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her]\nPam: What are you doing?\nMichael: What are you doing?\nPam: I'm rejecting your...\nMichael: I'm... what? I didn't\nPam: ...kiss.\nMichael: [scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home?\nPam: If you sit in the back.\nKaren: Goodnight, guys.\nJim: Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike.\nAndy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin.\nJim: Okay.\nJim: Oh.\nKaren: Hey dummy, get in the car!\nJim: I'm a drunk driver.\nKaren: Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car.\nJim: Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli.\nKaren: Yeah, you can't.\nJim: No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right.\nKaren: Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay?\nJim: So good.\nKaren: Good.\nMichael: These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'.\nPam: You say one more word; I'm stopping the car.\nMichael: Sorry.\nMichael: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali!\nCrowd: [loud clapping, cheering, and whistling]\nMichael: How do I explain this to Jan?\nKelly: Um, well, basically, it's like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there's a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know?\nMichael: Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less.\nKelly: Like, an Indian Halloween?\nMichael: An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please?\nPam: [on phone] Michael, you're on with Jan.\nMichael: Hello, Jan.\nJan: Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today?\nMichael: Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party.\nJan: What is Diwali?\nMichael: What is Diwali?\nJan: Yes.\nMichael: You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween-\nJan: Mich-\nMichael: #NAME?\nJan: Oh.\nMichael: I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in...\nKelly: Um, customer service.\nMichael: ... customer service is a Hindu person.\nJan: Oh.\nMichael: And.\nJan: Yes, of course, I know Kelly.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJan: I thought she was Muslim.\nKelly: What? I'm not Muslim!\nJan: Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea.\nMichael: You do?\nJan: Yes, of course. It's important to celebrate our company's rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event-\nMichael: Oh, I dunno about that.\nJan: #NAME?\nMichael: For Kelly, that seems a bit much.\nJan: Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric-\nMichael: [hangs up]\nKelly: She's so wonderful.\nMichael: Yeah, you should see her naked.\nMichael: I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, 'Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks,' and she's like 'I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication.' And I'm like, 'Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night.' And she's like, 'What the hell are you talking about?' And I'm like, 'I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof...' [cracks himself up] ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... [calms down] So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party.\nKevin: For Diwali 07, you must consider Scrantonicity. For a fraction of the cost of this DJ, you could have the rocking sound stylings of a Police cover band.\nMrs. Kapoor: No Police cover.\nKevin: No, okay, well, let me send you a demo, and... Better yet, I'll give Kelly the demo, and she can give it to you. It'll save us both on postage.\nMr. Kapoor: [nods]\nKevin: Excellent.\nCarol: You're the temp!\nRyan: Um, yeah. [shakes her hand] Ryan.\nCarol: Hi, I'm Carol.\nRyan: Hi, nice to meet you.\nCarol: The wavy brown hair and blue eyes.\nRyan: Ah.\nCarol: Michael talks about you... a lot.\nRyan: Yeah.\nCarol: Top of your class at business school, and you live on Shady Hill Road, right?\nRyan: Wow, um... Sorry you had to...\nDwight: Does Michael talk about\nCarol: [pause] Yes.\nDwight: He does? What does he say.\nCarol: He says... 'I love him.' He loves you.\nAndy: At Cornell, in my fraternity, my house name was 'Hubble' because I was so good at finding a party. I was like a powerful space telescope, so... Freshman year, when my skin was still really bad, they called me El Guapo.\nAndy: Yeah. Big Tuna, tuna?\nJim: Nope, I got eel.\nAndy: [speechless]\nKaren: [looking for Jim's sushi] Eel... eel.\nAndy: Didn't see that coming.\nMichael: And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan.\nPam: Michael?\nMichael: Yeah?\nPam: Your shirt is buttoned wrong.\nMichael: So, any questions?"}
{"text": "Karen: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nKaren: Who are you faxing so early in the morning?\nJim: Oh, umm... kinda hard to explain.\nJim: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] 'Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.'\nDwight: No![knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand.] You'll thank me later.\nMichael: There she is - Jan Levinson. First...\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: ...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: [singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: Yes.\nJan: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.\nMichael: I don't understand.\nJan: The board voted last night to close your branch.\nMichael: On whom's authority?\nJan: The board's.\nMichael: What?\nJan: I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nJan: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages.\nMichael: Am I a small number person or a severance package person?\nJan: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person.\nMichael: Oh... [burrys head in hands] Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.\nJan: Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael.\nMichael: Well...\nJan: It's... it's about talent.\nMichael: Oh, you gotta be... Josh?\nJan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.\nMichael: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?\nMichael: It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.\nMichael: Pictures. Memories. [Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk] Look at that. They grow up so fast.\nDwight: Hey stranger.\nMichael: Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please.\nDwight: Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile.\nMichael: Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can.\nDwight : When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, 'Something Weird is Going On.' Colon, 'What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute.'\nKaren: Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... [clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head]\nJim: Really? Wow... that's bad.\nAndy: Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? [Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim] In your face!\nJim: Well, I work here now.\nAndy: Mmmm.. suck-ah!\nPam: Are you okay?\nMichael: Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life.\nPam: What did Jan want?\nMichael: Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so...\nPam: What can't you tell me?\nMichael: Nothing, Pam.[whispers to himself] What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.\nPam: What?!\nMichael: What?\nPam: You just said that we're gonna be gone...?\nMichael: Do I have any messages?\nPam: Michael, what's going on?\nMichael: Ok, ok...\nMichael: [facing the whole office] Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down.\nToby: Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made.\nMichael: You knew about this all along, didn't you?\nToby: Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you.\nMichael: Traitor. You are a traitor.\nAngela: What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs?\nMichael: I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst.\nRyan: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. [holds up cards] A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.\nAngela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.\nKelly: If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Claire Danes one.\nAndy: [surrounded by clapping coworkers] Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut!\nJim: I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.\nStanley: I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. [chuckles] I really couldn't be happier.\nPam: It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, 'Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.' So, maybe that'll stop now.\nRoy: What does that mean?\nKevin: Well, some of us are fired and a few are going to Connecticut.\nRoy: I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, 'You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)'? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words.\nDarryl: Hey Mike.\nMichael: Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs]\nDarryl: Look, I heard about the office. Tough break.\nMichael: I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.\nDarryl: I wasn't.\nMichael: So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...\nDarryl: Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good.\nMichael: Awesome.\nMichael: This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.\nMichael: All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. [Looks at Dwight] Let's go.\nDwight: Yes!\nPam: Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight.\nMichael: Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.\nDwight: What's the plan?\nMichael: Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch.\nDwight: Can I drive?\nMichael: No... way.\nDwight: Shotgun!\nMichael: No. There's no one else.\nDwight: Still.\nDwight: Thank you very much. [hangs up cell phone] Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.\nMichael: Okay, okay. Um...\nDwight: But, do not worry. I have his home address right [presses cell phone button] here.\nMichael: Why?\nDwight: Christmas card list.\nMichael: You sent him cards? You never met him.\nDwight: But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.\nJim: Hey, do you have a second?\nJosh: Sure, what's up?\nJim: I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton?\nJosh: I honestly don't. I don't know.\nJim: Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants?\nJosh: You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it.\nJim: What does that mean?\nJan: Hi.\nJosh: Jan, hey.\nJan: Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics?\nRyan: [to Kelly] I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together, but I'm gonna go someplace else and you're gonna go someplace else. It just doesn't make sense.\nRyan: This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best.\nMichael: Okay, this is it. [runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight] This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like 'Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person.' It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else.\nJan: So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two.\nJosh: Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely.\nJan: Awesome.\nJosh: Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job.\nJan: Wha... excuse... why not?\nJosh: As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples.\nJan: Today?\nJosh: [nods]\nJan: You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?\nJosh: [sighs]\nJan: Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I...\nJosh: I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done.\nJan: I'm gonna make some calls.\nJim: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.\nDwight: So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?\nMichael: I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.\nDwight: No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice.\nMichael: All right.\nDwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work.\nM ichael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace?\nDwight: Yes? What is the meaning of this?\nMichael : Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?\nDwight: Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents.\nMichael: Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings.\nDwight: Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business.\nMichael: [no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that.\nDwight: [as himself] Whoa hey, why not?\nMichael: Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?\nDwight: Okay.\nMichael: Don't touch me this time.\nDwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work...\nMichael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?\nDwight: [frightened] Uh!\nJan: So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford.\nJim: Wow.\nJan: And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch.\nJim: Thank you.\nJan: Yeah.\nJim: No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um...\nJan: Michael.\nJim: No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think.\nJan: Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay.\nJim: Okay.\nPhyllis: Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again.\nKevin: Where are we going?\nPhyllis: I thought maybe DJ's.\nKevin: How about Cugino's?\nAngela: I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore.\nKevin: How 'bout Cooper's then?\nAngela: No seafood.\nKevin: But, I don't want to go to DJ's.\nAngela: Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?\nPhyllis: Okay, forget it. [walks away]\nKevin: Hooters?\nAngela: No.\nDwight: Ah. [takes a gulp of Gatorade and passes the bottle to Michael] Here, replinish your fluids.\nMichael: [takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie]\nJan: [in Scranton] Where's Michael?\nPam: He's not here. I don't know where he is.\nJan: [looks around, noticing that no one is working] Wha... what's going on here?\nPhyllis: We know the branch is closing; Michael told us.\nJan: Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe.\nAngela: Yes!\nKevin: Yes! [hugs Angela]\nPhyllis: Stanley! [hugs Stanley]\nPam: Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?\nJan: Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him.\nPam: Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton?\nJan: Back?\nPam: Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?\nJan: Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few.\nDwight: [referring to Michael's ringing phone] who is it?\nMichael: The office.\nDwight: Gonna get it?\nMichael: No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news.\nPam: I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood.\nRyan: Is Jim coming back.\nPam: That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh.\nRyan: I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk.\nPam: Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right?\nRyan: Oh, yeah, totally.\nKelly: Ahhhhh! [hugs Ryan] I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! [kisses him] This is the best day of my whole l ife!\nKaren: What you gonna do?\nJim: I really don't know. How you doing with all this?\nKaren: You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job.\nJim: You'd actually move to Scranton?\nKaren: Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would.\nJim: New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York?\nKaren: Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that.\nJosh: Hey Andy!\nAndy: [after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen] What's up, Josh?\nJosh: I just want to say thanks. Good luck.\nAndy: Thanks, man. You, too. Totally.\nMichael: Anything?\nDwight: Nothing. [puts down binoculars]\nMichael: What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under?\nDwight: Then it was an honor to have worked with you.\nMichael: [pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go.\nDwight: My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher.\nMichael: That was hilarious. The foam ...\nDwight: Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me.\nMichael: Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good.\nDwight: What were your favorite moments?\nMichael: Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one.\nDwight: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?\nMichael: God, Dwight!\nDwight: Well, it doesn't...\nKevin: Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots.\nPam: No thanks, guys.\nKevin: All right.\nPam: Have fun though.\nKevin: Cool.\nPhyllis: Hey, I hear Jim's coming back.\nPam: Really? Where did you hear that?\nPhyllis: I was...\nKevin: [interupting] Hey Ryan, you coming?\nRyan: Uh yeah, we'll meet you there.\nKevin: Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis.\nPhyllis: [to Pam] I'll tell you later.\nPam: Okay.\nRoy: Crazy day, huh?\nPam: Yeah.\nRoy: Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here.\nPam: Yeah, me too.\nPam: Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk, I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay.\nJim: Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it.\nKaren: Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.\nJim: Okay.\nKaren: Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but, I'm kind of into him. So...there you go.\nMichael: What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car.\nDwight: [picks up his beeping cell phone]\nMichael: Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!\nDwight: [on the phone] Oh my God!\nMichael: What?!\nDwight:: Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed.\nMichael: We did it? We did it.\nDwight: We did it!\nMichael and Dwight: We did it! We did it!\nMichael: Right here! Right here! [pounds his chest against Dwight's]\nMichael and Dwight: Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu!\nMichael: Yeah, baby!\nDwight: In your face!\nMichael: We did it!\nDwight: Oh, man.\nMichael: How did we do it?\nDwight: I don't ... have no idea.\nMichael: I don't understand.\nToby: Well for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But, Costa Rica will still be there. When I'm 65."}
{"text": "Jim: The Stamford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.\nAndy: [to office worker] That's the other thing you got to watch out... [to Jim] Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.\nJim: Yeah.\nAndy: So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines?\nJim: You know what? I think you just need to meet him.\nAndy: Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.\nJim: Sounds good Andy.\nKaren: This is going to be an adventure.\nJim: Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later?\nKaren: Right on. [to Andy] Hey is that Josh's computer?\nAndy: What?\nPam: Hey!\nToby: Hey.\nPam: How'd the run go?\nToby: Ah, pretty good. I finished.\nPam: That's great!\nDwight: Psh, why is that great?\nPam: Because he accomplished something.\nDwight: What was your mile time?\nToby: About seven.\nDwight: [scoffs] I could beat that on a skateboard.\nToby: Well, that has wheels.\nDwight: Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time.\nPam: Really, Dwight? How fast are you?\nDwight: Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.\nPam: Really?\nDwight: I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.\nDwight: Man, what is taking Toby so long?\nPam: Oh, I'll just time him later.\nDwight: And you'll compare the times?\nPam: Yeah. Are you ready?\nDwight: No, my groin...\nPam: Set\nDwight: ...is really tight.\nPam: Go!\nDwight: I can't... [starts running]\nPam: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [yells to Dwight] Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby.\nDwight: Aaaaah!\nPam: I should probably get back to work.\nMichael: Here... Who's here?\nDwight: Nametag?\nMichael: Yes, please.\nDwight: Karen Filippelli.\nMichael: Karen Filip... [In Italian voice] Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.\nDwight: Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. [exhales]\nMichael: Who's next?\nDwight: That's Andy Bernard.\nMichael: Andy Bernard.\nDwight: If I were you...\nMichael: Saint Bernard.\nDwight: ...I would fire Anthony Gardner...\nMichael: What?\nDwight: ...before noon...\nMichael: I'm not...\nDwight: ...to consolidate power.\nMichael: I'm not firing somebody on the first day.\nDwight: No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner.\nDwight: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.\nPam: Good morning!\nMichael: Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league.\nPam: Okay.\nPam: Yes! I'm in a good mood today! I'm excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That's always a thing that makes people happy... to have an old friend back.\nHannah: Hello?\nMichael: Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr.\nDwight: Hannah Smoterich-Barr.\nMichael: Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here.\nMichael: You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as I'm concerned, [holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] this says 'World's Best Dad'.\nMichael: Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name?\nTony: Gardner.\nMichael: Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. [laughs] Okay.\nTony: Thanks.\nKevin: Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.\nMichael: Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later.\nHannah: My bag's mostly pencils.\nMichael: Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. [to Tony] All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy.\nKevin: Can I have your pencils?\nHannah: No.\nPam: Hi!\nKaren: Hi.\nPam: I'm Pam.\nKaren: Karen. I love your sweater.\nPam: Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me.\nKaren: Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn...\nMichael: Welcome.\nKaren: ...to knit.\nMichael: Welcome, welcome, welcome! [in robot voice] Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader.\nKaren: Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?\nMichael: Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?\nAndy: I'll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.\nAndy: Hello.\nMichael: Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!\nAndy: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello.\nMichael: A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you.\nAndy: Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike.\nMichael: Oh.\nAndy: Nifty!\nMichael: They are nifty! They're nifty gifties.\nMichael: You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.\nMartin: ...which is why they need a passing game.\nJim: Right.\nMichael: [to Jim] No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: [to Martin] How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you.\nMartin: Oh! Thanks.\nMichael: Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. [shakes head] Not... so, your desk is...\nJim: Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.\nPam: Oh my god! It's really you!\nJim: Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met...\nPam: I know. I don't care.\nJim: Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.\nPam: It's really good to see you.\nJim: You, too.\nJim: Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. Um... .that is where we stand.\nDwight: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.\nJim: Hey, Dwight.\nDwight: Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.\nJim: Okay. Sounds good.\nDwight: What are you doing?\nJim: I don't know what you're talking about.\nDwight: I have a smudge on my forehead?\nJim: No. Looks good.\nDwight: Why are you looking at my forehead?\nJim: I'm not.\nDwight: Meet my eye line, Jim!\nJim: I am.\nDwight: Stop acting like an idiot!\nJim: Okay.\nRyan: Hey, buddy. Welcome back.\nJim: Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you.\nRyan: I'm good! How are you? So...\nJim: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now?\nRyan: Yeah.\nJim: Oh.\nRyan: Um... unless you really, really want it back.\nJim: You know, man, it's really you're call.\nRyan: Cool, thank you.\nJim: [whispers] Let me get that for you.\nRyan: Yuh.\nJim: This one taken? No. Good.\nRyan: Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk.\nToby: Hey, this came with the Stamford book. [Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential] Can you take care of it?\nKevin: Oh, yes I can.\nKevin: In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need.\nAndy: Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike.\nMichael: Right.\nDwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.\nAndy: Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales.\nDwight: So you'll be reporting to me, then.\nAndy: Umm, on the contrary.\nDwight: My title has 'Manager' in it.\nAndy: And I'm a director.\nDwight: Oh.\nAndy: Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?\nDwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.\nAndy: Congratulations.\nJim: Hey, Toby!\nToby: Hey, Jim!\nJim: How are you, man?\nToby: Oh, really good.\nJim: I just wanted to say hi.\nToby: How are you? Hey. Welcome back. [puts out fist to bump]\nJim: Oh. Is that like your new thing?\nToby: No, I'm sorry, it's...\nJim: No. It's cool.\nToby: No, it's nothing. We'll just... [shakes hand]\nJim: All right. Good to be back.\nToby: So... okay.\nJim: All right.\nToby: All right... sorry... sorry about that.\nJim: No problem.\nToby: It was just...\nJim: [off camera] ...what?\nToby: Nothing.\nKevin: This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh! [whispers] Shoot.\nMichael: [talking to himself] I present the orientation video.\nDwight: We need to talk!\nMichael: Not now.\nDwight: Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?\nMichael: I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.\nDwight: Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?\nMichael: It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one.\nDwight: Ok. Who reports to who?\nMichael: I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?\nDwight: And then if I want...\nMichael: Work it out amongst your selves!\nDwight: I...\nMichael: Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?\nDwight: I...\nMichael: Will you?\nDwight: One...\nMichael: Please?\nKelly: Jim!\nJim: Kelly!\nKelly: Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!\nJim: Really?\nKelly: Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!\nJim: Great. What's new with you?\nKelly: I just told you.\nMichael: Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please [makes drum roll noises], the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!\nMichael: Yoko shack.\nMale voice: ...thank you James. [laughs]\nMeredith: Hey, champagne.\nMichael: Nope, no. Guests only.\nKelly: Looks like salmon.\nMichael: Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo.\nKelly: I eat beef.\nMichael: Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy.\nKevin: The beef is poisoned?\nMichael: No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. [talks to group] Welcome. Help yourself.\nToby: Um... You might want these orientation materials.\nMichael: Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.[talks to group] Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please.\nJim: Oh, this looks promising.\nPam: You won't be disappointed.\nMichael: Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch 'Lazy Scranton'.\nVideo: [Lazy Scranton Video]\nMichael: Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'.\nDwight: Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty.\nMichael: So check out how we live\nMichael & Dwight: in the Electric City!\nMichael: They call it Scranton.\nDwight: What?\nMichael: The Electric City. Scranton.\nDwight: What?\nMichael: The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider.\nDwight: But check that it's covered by your health care provider!\nJim: It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. 'The Scranton Witch Project'.\nMichael: [in video] I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food.\nVideo: [Lazy Scranton video continues]\nMichael: You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot,\nDwight: But the little cars go in the compact spot\nMichael and Dwight: Spot, spot, spot, spot ...\nMichael: [on video in background] Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?\nMichael: Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'.\nKaren: [recording phone message] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.\nJim: Terrible. Totally unconvincing.\nKaren: [recording] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.\nJim: Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian.\nKaren: [recording] [in bad Italian accent] Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza.\nJim: You feel good?\nKaren: Mm-hm.\nJim: All right.\nKaren: [recording phone message] Karen Filippelli.\nAndy: Hey, buddy. Anything new to report?\nDwight: Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that's how it works.\nAndy: Sure thing, buddy.\nAndy: Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin' on the charm.\nAndy: Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver.\nAngela: Oh.\nAndy: Do you like it?\nAngela: I do like it, actually.\nAndy: Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way.\nAngela: Thank you.\nAndy: You're welcome.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey!\nPam: What happened to grape soda?\nJim: Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase.\nPam: Oh. You've changed so much.\nJim: Well, I'm evolving, Pam.\nPam: So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work?\nJim: Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled.\nPam: Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I...\nJim: Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm...\nMichael: All right.\nJim: Don't...\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: All right. [to Pam] I should probably get back to work. Get back to work.\nPam: Yeah. I know, me too.\nJim: All right!\nPam: The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic but it's fine. It's great! A lot of distractions. But, it's good.\nHannah: [using breast pump] Take a picture. It'll last longer.\nRyan: I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting.\nCreed: Ditto that, my brother.\nHannah: Look what's on his computer.\nMichael: What is that? A squid's eye or...\nHannah: It's my left breast.\nMichael: How did you...\nCreed: Right place at the right time.\nKaren: Uh, what's that smell?\nPhyllis: What smell?\nKaren: Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home.\nPhyllis: Oh, I'll help you find it.\nKaren: Oh, you know. Never... .never mind.\nPhyllis: What is it?\nKaren: I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume.\nPhyllis: My perfume?\nKaren: It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells.\nPhyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.\nKaren: Who's Bob Vance?\nPhyllis: You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.\nStanley: I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word.\nMichael: People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.\nMichael: I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just.\nDwight: Do you have batteries?\nMichael: Ssshh stupid! Um...\nAndy: [sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?']\nMichael: That's it!\nAndy: [sings] What is love?\nMichael: Yes, yes! Okay!\nAndy: Baby, don't hurt me.\nMichael: Okay, here we go.\nAndy & Michael: Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me!\nMichael: Oh!\nAndy: Baby, don't hurt me!\nMichael: Oh! Oh! Oh!\nAndy: Whoa-oh-oh-oh\nMichael: Scuse me! Scuse me!\nAndy & Michael: Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh...\nMichael: You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!\nAndy: Whoa-oh-oh-oh.\nMichael: You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy!\nAndy: Oh, probably because of all the nose candy.\nMichael: [laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor.\nDwight: Very funny, Michael!\nMichael: Okay! Okay!\nDwight: Really funny, Michael!\nMichael: All right, all right, I'm on a roll.\nMichael: Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.\nKaren: Shouldn't we be equals?\nMichael: Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would.\nTony: Uh... this is difficult, for me.\nMichael: I understand. We're all friends.\nTony: No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table.\nMichael: Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.\nTony: [starts to climb table]\nMichael: You know what? I'll help. I will...\nTony: No, please. No.\nMichael: Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this!\nDwight: Do this. Come on. Ready?\nMichael: Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up.\nDwight: On three. One... two... three.\nMichael: Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here.\nTony: All right. All right. Stop. Put me down.\nMichael: We've almost got it. Push it! Push it!\nTony: Let me go!\nMichael: I'm right in your crack!\nTony: Put me down right...\nMichael: Up and over.\nTony: Put me down!\nMichael: Up and over.\nTony: Put me down right now!\nMichael: You've got it.\nTony: I'VE HAD ENOUGH!\nMichael: You've got it, you've got it.\nTony: PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!\nMichael: Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.\nDwight: Hey, hey. Easy.\nMichael: Easy.\nTony: I'm sorry!\nMichael: Don't...\nTony: It's just not going to work for me.\nMichael: What...\nTony: I have to go.\nMichael: I don't understand.\nTony: I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit.\nMichael: Well, we'll squeeze you in.\nTony: I can't work here. I have to quit.\nMichael: You can't quit! On the first day. That's [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what?\nTony: No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style.\nMichael: My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny?\nTony: No. Was it supposed to be funny?\nMichael: Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired.\nTony: Excuse me?\nMichael: You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!\nTony: But there's nothing in my desk except coupons.\nMichael: Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you.\nDwight: That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him.\nMichael: Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.\nDwight: And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? [whispers] Fire Andy. Fire. Andy.\nAndy: Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle.\nHannah: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.\nAngela: Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.\nMichael: Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide.\nStanley: Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together.\nMichael: No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.\nMichael: The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.\nMichael: Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires.\nDwight: What!\nMichael: Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on!\nKaren: Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?\nJim: Does he ever.\nMichael: Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators.\nDwight: YEAH!\nMichael: Yeah.\nToby: I don't... I don't think we can do that.\nMichael: Go home, Toby. Just...\nMartin: Hey! Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?\nMichael: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. [reads note] 'You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!'\nHannah: For crying out loud.\nMichael: No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh...\nMartin: [to Stanley] What's up with this guy?\nStanley: Got an hour? I'll try to explain.\nMichael: THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!\nStanley: Trust me. It only gets worse.\nMartin: Is he always like this?\nRyan: Sometimes he brings more costumes.\nHannah: When do people work?\nPhyllis: Oh, we find little times during the day.\nKaren: How are we going to get home?\nPhyllis: Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up.\nKaren: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.\nMichael: See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. [answers phone] Jell-o!\nJan: Michael!\nMichael: Hi, Jan!\nJan: Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?\nMichael: I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.\nJan: Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?\nMichael: Yes.\nJan: You do?\nMichael: But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.\nJan: What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two.\nMichael: What?\nJan: He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.\nMichael: Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos.\nMichael: So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two.\nDwight: If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise.\nJim: Yeah, it does, actually.\nDwight: So who will be your new Number Three?\nMichael: Uh... that I have not decided yet.\nAndy: Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.\nMichael: Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks.\nDwight: And I have to say your leadership...\nMichael: Shut it...\nDwight: has brought...\nMichael: Shut it! That's... [whispers to camera] suck up!\nJim: [talking on cellphone] Hey! Where you at, Filippelli?\nKaren: [off camera] I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.\nJim: [laughs] What's wrong? You didn't have a good first day?\nKaren: Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.\nJim: Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... . [sees Pam in rearview mirror] Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back?\nKaren: Yeah.\nJim: Ok, thanks.\nKaren: Ok.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Hey!\nJim: I thought you had already... left.\nPam: Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do.\nJim: Oh... Good.\nPam: What's up?\nJim: Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something.\nPam: What do you mean?\nJim: I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh...\nPam: Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want.\nJim: O..ok. Um..good.\nPam: We're friends. We'll always be friends.\nJim: Right.\nPam: It's good to have you back.\nJim: Yeah. Good to be back.\nMeredith: Where'd you get that salad?\nKevin: Staples.\nAndy: Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon?\nDwight: Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please.\nAndy: Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.\nDwight: Xterra's not even a real word.\nAndy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for 'earth.'\nDwight: Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?\nAndy: Yeah.\nDwight: That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth.\nAndy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.\nDwight: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87.\nAndy: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came.\nDwight: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die.\nAndy: Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.\nDwight: Idiot!\nAndy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a TransAm.\nDwight: If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.\nAndy: [coughs word] Idiot!\nDwight: [coughs sentence] You're the idiot!\nAndy: [coughs sentence] Nice comeback!\nDwight: [coughs sentence] I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked. [talks normally to camera] Totally got the best of that interchange.\nMichael: And this is, don't tell me, Martin... Ne... Ne...Nack.\nDwight: Nash.\nMichael: Martin Nash. Okay.\nDwight: Male, age 37...\nMichael: Good.\nDwight: Mocha complexion. Supplier relations. Either caught a fish or was standing next to a man who caught a fish in Key West, Florida.\nMichael: What are you talking about?\nDwight: [holds up piece of paper] It wasn't clear on the Google Image search.\nMichael: All right, just...\nJim: Hey, Kev. How you doing?\nKevin: Hey, man. Good. Listen, my M&M's are under the desk if you want any.\nJim: Okay.\nKevin: Hidden from [whisper] them.\nJim: Smart. Good. [to Angela] Hey, Angela.\nAngela: You need a hair cut.\nJim: Bye, Angela. All right, Kev.\nKevin: See you later, Jim.\nJim: See you later.\nKevin: [to Angela] It's his first day back.\nAngela: His hair's flipping out on the sides.\nKevin: [smiles] I like it.\nAngela: Oh, my Lord.\nPam: This is weird with you facing the other way.\nJim: Yeah, I never even knew that part of the office existed. [Pam chuckles] Hey, who's that guy? [Jim points to Stanley]\nPam: That's Stanley Hudson.\nJim: Huh.\nPam: He's one of our salesmen.\nJim: Seems like a nice enough guy.\nPam: Oh very.\nJim: What about, uh.. [points at Meredith]\nPam: Hmm, that is... Janet Fenstermaker.\nJim: Really?\nPam: [Pam nods head] You should say hi. Use her full name.\nJim: Thank you for all of this. This is so helpful. You know what? One last question. Um, who is that fine older gentleman in the corner? [points to Creed]\nPam: Uh, that is Creed Bratton. He has four toes and he fought in the Civil war.\nJim: For the North.\nPam: For both sides. Whoever paid more.\nJim: Obviously.\nPam: Yeah.\nRyan: Hey, uh sorry. Seriously, can you guys... I'm trying to get some work done.\nJim: Sorry. Man. [Pam hesitates and then leaves]\nRyan: Thanks.\nKaren: Hey, nice thermos.\nMeredith: [notices Karen has same thermos as herself] Hey. That's funny.\nKaren: Yeah.\nMeredith: [holds out flask] Do you want a little?\nKaren: Uh no, I'm fine, thank you.\nMeredith: Okay. If you change your mind, you just let me know, okay?\nKaren: Yeah, I'm okay, thanks.\nMeredith: That's cool.\nAndy: [approaching Kevin to shake hand] Hi, Andy Bernard.\nKevin: Kevin Malone.\nAndy: Nice to meet you.\nKevin: What's that on your shirt? [points to Andy's shirt]\nAndy: That is a penguin. You like it?\nKevin: The Penguin.\nAndy: Andy, or Andrew.\nKevin: Okay, Penguin. [laughs]\nMichael: Smiles.\nAndy: Yeah.\nMichael: Good, what's funny?\nKevin: Michael, have you met the Penguin?\nMichael: Oh, nicknames, yay! Penguin power.\nAndy: Ha, that's why I wore this shirt.\nMichael: Good.\nMichael: Hey, girls. What's happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle.\nMartin: [sniffs. Pans to Creed eating his mungbeans.]\nHannah: [pushing back desk item] Here you go.\nMeredith: That was in your way?\nHannah: Um\nMeredith: Sorry.\nHannah: Yeah, I mean my stuff's coming over, but umm... is this...is this yours? [holds up travel mug]\nMeredith: [takes mug] Yes.\nAndy: Hey Kevin.\nKevin: Yeah.\nAndy: Have you lost weight?\nKevin: Well... I... Hey. You've never met me before.\nAndy: I know, but you just give off the vide of a guy who's getting thinner.\nKevin: Well, thanks. I appreciate that.\nAndy: You're welcome.\nKevin: You know who I really like? That guy, Andy.\nMichael: Can't we all get along? No, we can't. But here's the thing: yes, we can. Well, why not? Because of differeneces. Well, can we overcome these differences? No. Can we find each other and connect with each other in spite of these differences? No, we can't. But, we have to try and that is why I created the Integration Celebration.\nMichael: I need somebody to pick a card. [Dwight raises hand] One of the new people, please? Tony? [Tony walks away]\nAndy: [gets up] I'll do it.\nMichael: All right. Good. Thank you. [Andy picks a card] Do not look at your card. Now, I've always said that to be a great salesman is to have the ability to connect with people right here [puts hand over heart]. So to be a great salesman is to be a king of hearts. Turn over your card.\nAndy: [turns over card] King of hearts.\nDwight: [starts clapping] Very good Michael. Really good. [Michael shushes Dwight]\nMichael: So I think in order for us all to work together well we must come together as a family and then we can all be [starts to fan out the rest of his cards facing the group showing kings of hearts] a king of hearts.\nAndy: [claps] That was fantastic.\nDwight: [clapping] No, no, it's better than fantastic. It's super perfect.\nMichael: Dwight, don't, don't be a suck up.\nMichael: What I want all of you [points at Scranton branch] to do is approach one of the new people and tell them the one thing that you like most about them. Who wants to start? Who wants to give it a shot?\nMeredith: [raises hand] I want to.\nMichael: Okay Meredith, let's give it a shot.\nMeredith: [to Martin] I love your complexion. It's like devil's food cake.\nMartin: Thank you.\nMichael: [clapping] Beautiful. Very good, nice.\nDwight: It just goes to show you, you play with fire and you are gonna singe your eyebrows. And they do not grow back the same way. [takes of glasses and points to right eyebrow]\nAndy: It is inspiring to me to watch you navigate these murky waters.\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: Bull... [bleep] [clears throat] Sorry.\nMichael: We heard it.\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: We heard what you said. You didn't cover it at all.\nDwight: I had a tickle in my throat.\nMichael: [points at camera] They're gonna have... You can't say that, all right?\nDwight: I can't say [clearinng throat noise]?\nMichael: [clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight's an idiot! Did you catch that or did... did the cough cover it?\nDwight: Sometimes it hurts Michael.\nMichael: [cleaing throat] You're a jerk. Dwight's a jerk!"}
{"text": "Pam: Ohhhh! She's absolutely adorable!\nHannah: He.\nPam: ...Oh, sorry. He's-he's dressed all in pink.\nHannah: That's his favorite color.\nPam: ...Oh. That's... fun for him.\nStanley: Fantastic.\nMichael: Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute.\nHannah: Thank youuu.\nMichael: Ohh. May I?\nHannah: Uh, sure!\nMichael: [climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from 'Look Who's Talking.' What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.\nKaren: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nKaren: ...Almost done?\nJim: Just about... yup. Now.\nJim: Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I dunno. Just, not yet.\nMichael: Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know.\nAngela: Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting.\nJan: [over phone] Mmhmm.\nAngela: Look, we have a rebate from... the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means.\nJan: We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.\nMichael: I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. [Jan sighs] ... I'm just kidding.\nJan: When did the check come?\nAngela: Last week.\nJan: Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move.\nAngela: One of the Stamford people is a criminal?\nMichael: Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby.\nAngela: Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal?\nJan: Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line.\nPam: [whispering] Who is it?\nMichael: Hannah?\nKevin: Hmm.\nAngela: Hmm.\nKevin: Andy.\nAngela: Andy?\nKevin: Hmm. Martin?\nMichael: Kuhhhh... you are such a racist.\nKevin: Wait, why am I a racist?\nMichael: Because you think he's black.\nKevin: He is black... right? And...\nMichael: Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.\nJan: ...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash.\nKevin: Yeah!\nJan: Michael?\nMichael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.\nKevin: I wonder what he did.\nMichael: In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened.\nPam: Why would anyone go to jail for that?\nMichael: Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people.\nKevin: Cool.\nPam: Okay. Angela?\nAngela: Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.\nMichael: Good. All right. [everyone leaves]\nJim: [picks up phone] Jim Halpert.\nAndy: [over phone] I am so horny.\nJim: ...Okay I can't... help you... with that.\nAndy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.\nJim: She is dating Ryan, I think.\nAndy: Oh, and I care why?\nJim: She's... high-maintenance.\nAndy: Next. How about... [motions toward Angela]. Blondes are more fun. C'mon, trust me on that.\nJim: Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one.\nAndy: Okay fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it?\nJim: ...Absolutely you should.\nAndy: Jackpot.\nMichael: Just... try to be cool.\nDwight: I am cool.\nMichael: Okay, are you cool, really?\nDwight: I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm so cool. Tell me what is going on.\nMichael: Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!\nDwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.\nAndy: All... righty, let's get started. What is she into?\nJim: I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates...\nJim: Frisbee-based competitions...\nAndy: Are you kidding?\nJim: She...\nAndy: I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.\nJim: Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. [Andy hums Six Flag ad] Got it. Also... do you speak pig latin?\nMichael: Hey Martin, how's it going?\nMartin: Good. Getting settled, you know?\nMichael: Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust.\nPam: My dad.\nMichael: ...Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Yeah.\nJim: Jonas Salk.\nMichael: Who?\nJim: Justin Timberlake?\nMichael: Oh. Please. Colin Powell.\nKaren: Hey I got one.\nMichael: Yup.\nKaren: Jesus.\nMichael: Apollo Creed.\nMichael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.\nMartin: So... you all wanna know what I was in for?\nMichael: No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them.\nMartin: Um, I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I... got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink.\nMichael: [laughs] That is awesome.\nKevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.\nPam: What was prison like?\nMartin: Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time.\nKevin: You got outdoors time?\nMartin: Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games...\nKevin: Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?\nPam: Yeah, some days I never go outside.\nMichael: Well, we are running a business, so.\nMeredith: What was your cell like?\nMartin: Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes.\nPam: They have art classes?\nMartin: Yeap. Yeah.\nRyan: They have business classes there?\nMartin: They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys-a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business.\nPam: Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin.\nMichael: Ah. Well. That's not true.\nKevin: I would so rather be in prison.\nRyan: Prison sounds great.\nMichael: No you would not.\nMichael: This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison.\nCreed: [singsong voice] Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this?\nKaren: You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow.\nCreed: Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo?\nAndy: Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?\nPam: Wow... I-\nAndy: Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.\nPam: Wow. That was... wow.\nMichael: Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!\nPam: Michael, it's freezing out.\nPhyllis: I can't feel my toes.\nMichael: Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?\nJim: What is that, like... five pounds?\nMichael: It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.\nStanley: I'm going back inside.\nMichael: Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time.\nMichael: Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?\nMartin: Yeah, in the rec room.\nMichael: Ah. A ten inch black and white?\nMartin: Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.\nMichael: These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.\nJim: Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam.\nAndy: Yeah.\nJim: Quick question - do you play the guitar?\nAndy: I play the banjo.\nJim: Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?\nAndy: [singing] You know I can, my man.\nJim: Yup. That's perfect.\nKaren: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nAndy: I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car.\nJim: Perfect.\nKaren: What is going on?\nJim: ...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.\nKaren: I love it. I want in. Who's the target?\nJim: ...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but...\nKaren: Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment.\nJim: Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else.\nMichael: All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say 'Boo' because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!\nAngela: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?\nMichael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!\nRyan: Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises]\nJim: Where... did you learn all of this?\nMichael: Internet.\nJim: So, not prison.\nMichael: And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.\nJim: What'd you do, Prison Mike?\nMichael: I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.\nJim: That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.\nMichael: And I nevah got caught, neither.\nJim: Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm.\nPam: Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?\nMichael: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.\nAndy: Wow. Prison sounds horrible.\nMichael: Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.\nDwight: Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison?\nAngela: Don't encourage him, Dwight.\nMichael: The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!\nKaren: Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?\nMichael: No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?\nPam: Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.\nMartin: Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison.\nMichael: Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room]\nJim: Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out.\nMichael: No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.\nKevin: [knocking on door] Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have-\nHannah: Shh!\nToby: [answering phone] This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?\nToby: Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room?\nMichael: They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.\nToby: Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will.\nMichael: Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.\nToby: You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny.\nMichael: [unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!\nMichael: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.\nAndy: [singing] So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee..."}
{"text": "Dwight: Merry Christmas! [holds up dead goose and puts it on Pam's desk]\nPam: Merry Christ-[looks up] NO! Why... why did you bring that here?\nDwight: Don't worry, she's dead. Oh wait. He's dead.\nPam: Dwight, what uh...\nDwight: I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!\nPam: Well, get it out of here.\nDwight: Relax, OK. And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing. Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen?\nJim: Merry Christmas Dwight.\nDwight: Jim.\nJim: Wow. What have we got here?\nDwight: What does it look like?\nJim: Dead goose.\nDwight: And circle gets the square.\nJim: All right.\nDwight: [to Pam] So can you watch this? I'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk.\nToby: Oh, Dwight, we talked about this.\nDwight: No, Toby, this is different. He's already dead.\nDwight: Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed.\nDwight: He was already dead. And we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.\nJim: Wow. Win-Win.\nDwight: Exactly. Thank you, Jim.\nPhyllis: I like goose. If it's already dead is it so crazy we eat it?\nCreed: That's crazy. It's crazy.\nToby: Dwight, you cannot keep that here.\nDwight: Ok, that is ridiculous. And totally against the spirit of Christmas.\nToby: Come on Dwight. We went over this, like for a half an hour.\nDwight: It's Christmas Toby.\nToby: It's a dead animal in an office. You can't...\nDwight: Toby...\nToby: I'm sorry.\nDwight: [sighs] Please? Please?\nToby: Clean it in your car.\nPam: I would like it off my desk.\nDwight: Oh Pam. Take a chill pill.\nMichael: [Riding a bicycle down the hallway and singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. [Struggling to stay on] 'Tis the ... ack. [expletive] Hey! [to Pam] I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps, some Pam-chops, with mint...\nPam: Can I help you, Michael?\nMichael: I'm looking for the toy drive box.\nPam: It's behind you.\nMichael: OK... Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit, with all these little knickknacks.\nJim: Wow. What kind of bike is that?\nMichael: Umm... I don't know? Average kind?\nKevin: The tires look pretty worn.\nMichael: Well, that is probably from the test drive.\nJim: But the paint's chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?\nMichael: No.\nAndy: Yo, Michael, sweet ride Mike.\nMichael: Oh, thanks. [Michael and Andy do a fist bump and explosion.]\nPam: Michael?\nMichael: Yes? [Pam holds up a bag] Oh Pam, that is so sweet. You didn't have to do that.\nPam: [hands over bag] I didn't, it's from corporate.\nMichael: OK. Did everybody get one of these?\nPam: Yup.\nMichael: Terrific. Good.\nMichael: This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. [singing] I've got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we're leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah.\nJim: [Creed takes toy from toy drive box.] Oh, I think you're supposed to put a toy\nCreed: And a happy holiday to you.\nJim: [Carol walks through door looking upset] [waves] Carol.\nCarol: Hi, is Michael around here?\nMichael: There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello [kisses Carol] You're about five hours early to the party. You're such a blonde. [laughs]\nCarol: Michael.\nMichael: Hey, everybody. I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them. This is my girlfriend - Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em, show 'em the other side.\nCarol: [whispers] What?\nMichael: Turn around, turn around. Come on. [making a body turning gesture]\nCarol: Get outta here.\nMichael: No, you get outta here.\nAndy: Michael\nMichael: Yes.\nAndy: If I may say. She's even prettier that you described her.\nDwight: [standing up] Oh, ouch. Michael, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you described her.\nMichael: Thank you.\nCarol: I really need a moment alone with you. [Carol heads towards Michael's office.]\nMichael: Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. [puts finger on her back and reaches for her butt] Berp.\nCarol: What is this? [Holds up a Christmas photo]\nMichael: That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings.\nCarol: No. See, we never went on a ski trip.\nMichael: I know.\nCarol: I went on a ski trip.\nMichael: Right.\nCarol: Two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.\nMichael: Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense. I was in your heart...\nCarol: Michael.\nMichael: And next to your kids. What?\nCarol: This is so weird.\nMichael: I don't understand?\nJim: It's a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. [Towards unseen cameraman] Is bold the right word?\nCarol: I think you're a really sweet guy.\nMichael: OK\nCarol: But, um, I don't know how to deal with, with this thing [waves Christmas card]. And, and the proposal. And I don't think things are going to work out with us.\nMichael: No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you're not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in [making drum noise] Jamaica's largest fresh water pool.\nCarol: What are you talking about?\nMichael: I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. [Carol shakes head in disappointment]. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is.\nCarol: Oh, no. Michael.\nMichael: And it's all inclusive.\nCarol: Michael...\nMichael: Yes.\nCarol: I'm sorry.\nMichael: No, Carol. You walk out that door and it is over.\nCarol: I know. [Closes door.]\nPam: Psst. Jim. [Jim turns around. Pam nods head towards her for him to come over] Um, hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now because, well, I'll just tell you.\nJim: What?\nPam: For the past few months I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA. [hands a folder to Jim]\nJim: Are you serious?\nPam: They're considering him for a top secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never ever tell.\nJim: [Opens folder and reads from Dwight's file] Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp. Wow.\nPam: So... here's the gift. You get to decide what his top secret mission is. [Jim smiles] Sorry I didn't wrap it.\nJim: [closes folder] You know what? Uh, I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore, you know?\nPam: Oh.\nJim: No, because of the promotion.\nPam: Oh yeah.\nJim: It just feels a little bit, like...\nPam: No, I get it, of course. OK. [holds out hand for folder. Jim gives Pam back the folder.]\nJim: I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do., then ... what am I doing?\nMichael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.\nStanley: You can't cancel a holiday.\nMichael: Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year's.\nStanley: What does that mean?\nMichael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.\nPam: Michael, what's going on?\nMichael: Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances.\nJim: Will they still air 'Rudolph?'\nKevin: That's not fair.\nDwight: [over everybody else's talking] Are we gonna cancel Hanukah as well?\nMichael: Fine! [everybody stops talking] Have your party. Just no guests.\nPhyllis: But we invited guests.\nMichael: Well, you know what Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess.\nMichael: Oh, oh, oh, oh, it hurts.\nPam: I know.\nMichael: It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms.\nPam: OK, well, why are you laying like that?\nMichael: [moves a little] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?\nPam: Like what?\nMichael: Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary?\nPam: Well.. um I, I don't...\nMichael: And not that you didn't want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I'm referring to?\nPam: I don't need to know.\nDwight: Michael. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, It appears we're one bathrobe short.\nMichael: Take it from Toby.\nDwight: Copy.\nMichael: Hey, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me?\nPam: No, thank you.\nMichael: It's all... [Pam walks away.] OK.\nToby: Hey Dwight. Pretty nice robe- [Dwight grabs bag with robe in it and walks away.] Why?\nAngela: Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.\nPhyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.\nAngela: No, orange is whorish.\nKaren: Uh, so I had a couple of ideas to make the Stamford people feel more at home. Each year we have a Christmas raffle ... [Phyllis and Pam nod their heads in agreement].\nAngela: It would never work here.\nKaren: Ok ... um, another idea was karaoke ...\nAngela: No.\nKaren: A Christmas drinking game ...\nMeredith: Yes.\nAngela: God help you.\nKaren: What?\nAngela: These are all terrible ideas and none of them are on the theme of 'A Nutcracker Christmas.' I think you should leave.\nKaren: You're kidding.\nAngela: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. [Angela gets up from seat] Please. [Karen gets up and leaves] Thank you. OK, thank you very much. [Angela closes door]\nMichael: What are you doing? ['Goodbye My Lover' by James Blunt plays]\nDwight: [putting things into a box] We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol.\nAndy: Hey, what's the haps? [Dwight shuts door in his face.]\nMichael: Carol?\nDwight: Oh, look at this. [looks through papers] Your old condo closing papers. It's riddled with Carol's name. I wish I could throw this in the box. [Michael hits repeat to 'Goodbye My Lover' on computer]\nDwight: Why don't you just buy the whole song?\nMichael: I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it.\nDwight: Oh, look at this, she saved you two thousand dollars 'cause they failed to report a mold problem. [Continues to sift through papers] But wouldn't that affect the final... How did she? Oh, oh, I see what she did. That is good. Wow. Carol is one smart cookie.\nMichael: [singing] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. [hits repeat again]\nMichael: This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.\nPam: I feel like I've been kinda cold to Karen and there's no real reason for it. I mean it's not like she's ever done anything to me. So, I think I probably shouldn't be cold to her.\nPam: Hey, Karen. Sorry about that meeting today, that was really crazy.\nKaren: Yeah, right? I'm so glad you said that. Because, I don't know how those meetings usually go.\nPam: Um, usually like that.\nKaren: Does anyone ever stand up to Angela or..?\nPam: I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face. [both laugh]\nKaren: Right.\nPam: Um, I really liked your karaoke idea.\nKaren: Oh cool, yeah.\nPam: That could really be fun.\nKaren: Oh, thank you.\nPam: You guys do a raffle?\nKaren: Yeah, we do a raffle...\nToby: Hey Kev.\nKevin: Hey. [Toby puts hand on Kevin's back, who is wearing the robe and feels it a little bit.]\nAngela: This should've been up yesterday. [refers to party flyer]\nPhyllis: It'll be all right.\nAngela: [Pam puts up another flyer] What is that? [Reads flyer] The 'Committee to Plan Parties invites you to a margarita-karaoke Christmas?' There's no such thing as the 'Committee to Plan Parties.'\nPam: There is now. We just started it.\nAngela: Well, you just can't start a committee. You have to have funding.\nKaren: What's your funding?\nAngela: Two hundred dollars.\nPam: What's ours again?\nKaren: Umm, two hundred and one dollars.\nPam: Oh right.\nKelly: [pointing] Hey, a margarita-karaoke Christmas party, that sounds like fun.\nAngela: No, that is not a party. There's only one party and it's hosted by the Party PLANNING Committee and it starts at three o'clock.\nKevin: Then why are there two flyers?\nKaren: Oh, I understand that this is confusing for everyone, let me explain. There's a party that starts at three.\nKevin: Right.\nKaren: And then there's a way more fun party that starts at two forty-five.\nPam: Right, and if you're interested in the way more fun party, all the info can be found here on our more brightly colored flyer. [Angela rips down brightly colored flyer and walks away. Karen rips down Angela's flyer.]\nKevin: I didn't see where it was.\nJim: Yup, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together. And that's what you want, right?\nKaren: I think that's a really good option...\nDwight: Pam and Karen. I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning. Immediately.\nPam: You can't do that.\nDwight: As ranking number three in this office, I am order -\nAndy: Umm... I'm number three.\nDwight: You're number four.\nAndy: Yeah, but I'm number three.\nDwight: Ah, no. [to Pam and Karen] You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately that will be returned to you on January fourth.\nJim: OK, I think I can help here.\nDwight: Ok, good\nJim: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member. The committee will act on this now.\nDwight: OK, this is stupid.\nJim: Could you please keep it down? [interrupted Dwight] I'm in session. I've determined that this committee is valid. [Pam and Karen cheer.]\nDwight: No no, no, wait, wait, wait [raises hand] Permission to join the Validity Committee.\nJim: Permission denied.\nDwight: Damn it!\nAndy: Hey. I can't concentrate when I know you're in pain, man. Let me take you to lunch. [Michael sighs.] C'mon, my treat.\nMichael: All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway.\nAndy: That's my boy. I know the perfect place, too.\nMichael: Hooters?\nAndy: No. Benihana. Much classier. But don't worry, the babes are totally hot, too. [do a fist bump and explosion]\nMichael: Ah, I need my entourage [both exit Michael's office] Jim. Dwight. Ryan. C'mon, we're going to Asian Hooters.\nRyan: Ah man, I can't.\nMichael: Why not?\nRyan: I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night. [Michael feels Ryan's forehead]\nMichael: Ok, feel better.\nRyan: Thanks.\nMichael: C'mon Jim, let's go.\nJim: OK. [to Ryan] Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.\nRyan: Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here. [Holds up blackberry.] Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back.\nMichael: Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'.\nAndy: So she looks really hot, so I said, 'You look hotter than usual today.' [to waitress] Thank you. Michael [gesturing to sit down.] Head of the table.\nDwight: Get out Jim. [Dwight tries to sit between Andy and Jim] Actually, um... [to two other people at the table] Sir, I'm going to need take this chair.\nMichael: Dwight, just, just leave them alone please. They're on a date. They look very happy.\nAndy: So she looks at me right, and she goes, 'I'm sorry, don't I even know you?' After a year, a\nJim: Yes.\nDwight: I can't... I can't here what you're saying.\nMichael: Carol used to drink lattes.\nDwight: [off screen at other end of table] What're you talking about?\nMichael: She would get this little foam mustache...\nDwight: [still off screen] Carol had a mustache?\nMichael: And I used to say 'Hey, got latte?' And she'd say, that's not funny.\nDwight: [off screen] What are you guys talking about?\nMichael: She totally got me. She understood that we didn't have to laugh to enjoy -\nDwight: Michael! Repeat what you said louder!\nDwight: It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I'm here for Michael? [food is thrown at Dwight's face]\nMichael: I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I can't, OK, I'm gonna call her. I am gonna call and find out...\nAndy: No.\nDwight: Who are you calling?\nMichael: I'm just gonna call her.\nAndy: Put that away. Put that away. S.O.S. We... I... May day. Haha. Man down over here, [to waitress] we need your help.\nWaitress: What can I get for 'ya?\nAndy: I think we'll start with a round of noga-sakes. [waitress gives confused look]\nAndy: One part eggnog, three parts sake. Some places won't make it for you though, because eggnog is seasonal.\nPhyllis: You should, you should put out salt for the rims [referring to margaritas]\nPam: That's a great idea.\nAngela: Phyllis?\nPhyllis: I was just getting a snack.\nPam: You can have your snack in here.\nAngela: Pam, don't tell her what to do! Phyllis.\nPhyllis: OK.\nKevin: I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know.\nRyan: I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to.\nRoy: So I only use three?\nPam: If you're using more than three pieces of tape to wrap a present, you're doing it wrong.\nRoy: OK. And where to do you get all those cool bows?\nPam: Oh, I just get those at any party supply place.\nRoy: OK. Are you sure I can't use like, the cartoons from the newspaper?\nPam: Oh yeah, your mom would love that.\nRoy: [Karen walks in] Hey. All right, I'll see you guys later. [leaves room]\nPam: Bye.\nKaren: He's cute. You should date him.\nPam: Oh, yeah... Maybe.\nDwight: Looks like you've got a little Nakiri knife action going there.\nChef: No, it's Usuba.\nDwight: Yeah, I bet you wish you had a Nakiri, though.\nChef: Actually, the Usuba's the better knife when you're working with this quantity.\nDwight: Nah, I don't know... Still think Nakiri's better.\nWoman at bar: I think he'd know. [Dwight and her stare at each other]\nMichael: Nothing he's doing is cheering me up.\nAndy: Wait for the onion. Trust me. Hey Cindy, he just had his heart broken, you wouldn't do that to him, would you?\nCindy: I don't know.\nMichael: Oh, sure you would. Look at you, I bet you break up with a guy every hour. [Cindy laughs and walks away]\nAndy: You made her laugh. Yes! She totally digs us. [referring to what chef is doing] Watch, watch, watch, watch. [Onions smoke up] Heh, heh? What did I tell 'ya?\nMichael: You're right. That's good.\nPam: Hello everyone. We would just like to announce that our party is starting now in the break room. So... you can come by... .\nAngela: I have a very important announcement to make... about... your paychecks. Umm... Your paychecks will be arriving as scheduled on Friday. And they will be in the correct amount that they are normally in... Please stand by for a very important announcement... refer..[starts to leave office] for further regarding your paycheck! [runs outside]\nAngela: [on cell phone to Dwight] I need to know if I can start the party?\nDwight: Michael! Hey! Over here, Michael! [waves down Michael with a napkin and whistles to get attention]\nAndy: This drink... [in audible conversation with Michael]\nMichael: I don't know. No one can hear me. You know what? Start the party.\nAngela: Did Michael give you permission to do this?\nDwight: [with conviction] Start the party.\nAngela: [Angela slams phone shut and runs back to office.] Also, I would like to inform you that, um, as a special treat, my party will be starting early. In fact, it will be starting right now [opens door to conference room.]\nPam: Our party is also starting now [opens door to break room.]\nKaren: Yup.\nKaren: [Stanley gets up and walks towards the break room.] All right Stanley. Woo.\nPam: Good choice. [Kelly drags Ryan to the break room.]\nAngela: Welcome Hannah. You will not be disappointed.\nHannah: Why would I be disappointed?\nAngela: I said you wouldn't be disappointed. [Meredith heads towards break room.]\nAngela: Meredith, if you don't come to my party, you will be very, very sorry.\nMeredith: Is that a threat?\nAngela: No, it's an invitation.\nPam: We have vodka!\nKaren: Lots of it! [Meredith leaves to break room party.]\nKevin: I hear Angela's party will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela. Double fudge... Angela... double fudge... Angela [puts out hands to weigh his options] Hmmm...\nAngela: Brownies. Cupcakes. [Kevin walks toward conference room]\nKevin: Don't push it.\nKaren: Are we taking this too far? You know what, I don't think we're taking this far enough. [Pam and Karen look at each other] What?\nPam: I got goose bumps.\nAngela: I don't back down. My sister and I used to be best friends, and we haven't talked in 16 years. Over some disagreement, I don't even remember. So... yeah. I'm pretty good.\nMichael: Ahh, damn this chicken is good. My compliments to the chef. [points to chef] Which is you! Right? Hahahaha. Awesome! I need some meat. I want some steak. [leans over to neighboring man's plate] I see steak.\nMan: Excuse me.\nMichael: Excuse me [tries to take away meat with chopsticks] Ah, un guard. [Fights with chopsticks and laughs] Family style.\nJim: No, it's not.\nAndy: Cindy, Cindy.\nMichael: I don't think... I love it!\nAndy: I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house. [Cindy laughs] C'mon, do it for Michael. He's had a really long day.\nMichael: [laughing] I don't know what he's doing.\nAndy: This is great.\nDwight: Jim! Jim! What... What's happening?\nJim: Oh, [points to Cindy] she's asleep.\nDwight: Oh... Narcolepsy.\nJim: Probably.\nAndy: Now open your eyes and describe it to me.\nCindy: I... don't know, it has four bed rooms and a loft...\nDwight: Oh my gosh, now she's up.\nJim: And she's trying to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it.\nDwight: Oh, OK. Cindy! Yo, Cindy! Cindy! Hold its neck back and insert the knife below the jaw. Bring it all the way around, there's going to be a good amount of blood. [Cindy looks confused. Woman next to Dwight is disgusted] Don't let it bother you. Have a bucket there, for the blood... and the innards... and the feathers.\nJim: Oh no, this is different. The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight. This is more like a umm... OK, it's pretty much the same thing.\nKelly: What d'ya think? [to Stanley about his drink]\nStanley: Fruity and delicious.\nKelly: See, I told you. You want one Meredith?\nMeredith: No thanks. They're too sweet.\nKaren: Hey, so what's the status.\nRyan: Looks like they forgot the power cord.\nPam: What?\nKaren: Oh, you're kidding me?\nRyan: No.\nKaren: Oh, you guys, guys, um... I'm sorry, but there's a problem with the karaoke machine. [everyone sighs]\nKelly: Well that blows.\nDarryl: Hang on little ladies. You don't need this thing, I'll go grab my synthesizer. [Everyone cheers]\nEverybody: Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! [Darryl exits break room and passes Phyllis]\nPhyllis: Hi.\nDarryl: Hey. Hey, look, when you get done with your... [looks inside conference room] meeting, you should, uh, come to the break room. We're having a party.\nPhyllis: Oh, ok.\nDarryl: All right. Se you later...\nHannah: [tries to break nut on a Nutcracker doll] These nuts are really hard to crack.\nAngela: Try harder then. [Hannah smashes Nutcracker on top of nut. Sees Kevin take another brownie] Uh uh. No one has seconds until everyone's had some.\nKevin: You've got to be kidding!\nAngela: You've got to be kidding. {Kevin takes bite of brownie]\nPhyllis: Cold, huh?\nRyan: Huh? [puts on jacket]\nPhyllis: Maybe that'll help. Is it cold in there?\nAndy: [referring to waitresses] They have been checking us out, all night! I am not kidding!\nMichael: You know what we should do?\nAndy: What?\nMichael: We should invite them to the Christmas party.\nAndy: Now, you are thinking. Yes. And you know what? Because you have had such a rough day, you get Cindy.\nMichael: Oh, you are such mench my friend. [They stand up and do fist bump and explosion]\nMichael: OK, where is everybody? I would like them to meet my new girlfriend. [Guys walk in with two different waitresses from Benihana's]\nJim: I'm sure they'll want to meet her, too.\nMichael: The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike.\nSecond Cindy: That rocks.\nMichael: Nah, you rock. Tell you what, if you want it, it's yours.\nSecond Cindy: Thanks! I, I wanna give you something.\nMichael: Oh. [She whispers in his ear. Michael starts to laugh] That's what she said.\nMichael: Hello? I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend.\nAndy: My new girlfriend.\nAngela: Where's Dwight?\nSecond Cindy: Is he the hot one or the giant baby?\nMichael: [whispers] The giant baby. Wow, I am so sorry, I had no idea this party would be so lame.\nPhyllis: [under her breath] There's another party in the break room.\nMichael: Oh, party in the break room! Let's go, let's go! Thank God! Let's go to the break room.\nAngela: Hey, excuse me! Waitress lady! Hey, where do you think you're going with that? [refers to toy she just took from table]\nSecond Cindy: I thought I could have it.\nAngela: You can't have it [takes back toy] I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.\nMichael: Shhh... Shut it! C'mon! Party.\nDwight: Hey! It's Angela! [Angela slams door shut, but not before Kevin sneaks out] Hey!\nMichael: We're going to ...\nKevin: [singing] I want you to know. That I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but...\nMichael: I just think there are two, two specific kinds of people in the world. People who own houses and people who own condos. [turns to reach for pretzel while Second Cindy turns other direction] And... my question to you [points and pulls away other waitress] is do you agree?\nOther waitress: Do I agree about what?\nMichael: Do you agree about what? [laughs] Wow. You're lucky you're so darn cute.\nOther waitress: What're you talking about?\nMichael: What're you talking about?\nKevin: [singing] And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me of the cross I bear that you give to me. You, you, you, you, you, you, you oughta know ta know.\nJim: All right [high fives Kevin]\nAngela: Did you have fun at Benihana's?\nDwight: No. It was awful. I couldn't hear anything. [cheers from other party]\nAngela: I've had the worse day here [turns up Nutcracker music on the stereo. [Sighs. Dwight reaches for and holds Angela's hand]\nKaren: [Karen and Pam enter] Dwight, you won the raffle! [holds out gift]\nDwight: No... way! Yeah!\nKaren: Open it! Open it ! Open it! [Dwight rips open present. Angela is upset and Pam notices]\nDwight: Oh.\nKaren: Do you like it?\nDwight: Walkie-talkies.\nPam: Can I talk to you a second?\nDwight: Yes!\nKaren: Well the Committee to Plan Parties has served its purpose. We're gonna disband. In the name of Christmas.\nPam: [holds up rice krispie shaped like a star] In the name of Nutcracker Christmas.\nKaren: Angela, we've been hearing really great thing about uh... your brownies and we were hoping you'd consider merging into two parties.\nAngela: I'm not sure. Does your karaoke machine have Christmas songs?\nPam: Yeah, but we don't have a power cord.\nAngela: Oh, I may have seen it somewhere. [Goes to plant and picks up power cord] Is it this one?\nPam: Mmm. Hmm.\nKaren: Yeah, thanks.\nPam: We'll go tell everyone.\nKaren: OK.\nAndy and Michael: [singing] And if you want love, we'll make it. Swim in a big sea of blankets. Take all your big plans and break 'em. This is bound to take awhile. Your body is a wonderland. [Michael notices Cindy ride up to him on the bike and looks confused] Your body is a wonderland.\nAndy: Your hands.\nBoth: Your body is a wonderland.\nAndy: I'll use my hands on it.\nBoth: Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face...\nKelly: [singing] Whatever we deny or embrace. For worse or for better. We belong, we belong, we belong together... Ryan...\nMichael: When you know, you just know.\nKevin: Right.\nMichael: Check her out. My little gal over there. Babe-alectable.\nRoy: Which one is she? [Michael stares at both waitresses]\nMichael: It's... it's one of those two. [points at both]\nRoy: You don't know?\nKevin: Dude, you should know.\nMichael: Yeah... well, it's been hard, they're wearing the exact same uniform. And I've been drinking. And you know how all waitresses look alike.\nMichael: I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like?\nMichael: Hey. Where's my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I don't know where she is. 'Cause I'm drunk, I can't even find her.\nSecond Cindy: You know where I am.\nMichael: Haha, I do! I just haven't hugged you in awhile [marks Cindy's arm with a black marker]\nSecond Cindy: Oh.\nMichael: Oh, good. That felt good. Let's go. Party.\nCreed: [singing] Spinnin' n reelin with love. Give it the time, I might come back down. But it feels so good. My feet don't touch the ground. Wha..wha..wild. Wha..wha..wild. Well everybody knows, I'm crazy about 'ya...\nDwight: [into walkie-talkie] Monkey, this is Possum. Do you copy?\nAngela: [into another walkie-talkie] Copy, Possum. What's your twenty?\nKaren: No way. [both hold up Bridget Jones' Diary movie DVD]\nJim: What a horrible, horrible movie that was.\nKaren: And now we get to remember it forever.\nJim: Thank you.\nKaren: Thank you. [Both hug]\nSecond Cindy: Hey.\nMichael: Hey, hey, you. How are ya?\nSecond Cindy: Hey. This party blows, so we're gonna leave.\nMichael: No, no, no. Hey, you should stay because we are having fun and...\nSecond Cindy: Cool...\nMichael: Where do you wanna go?\nSecond Cindy: I... We're just gonna take off.\nMichael: I... you know what? I, OK, listen. I like you. I really like you. So much in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals, Jamaica.\nSecond Cindy: No... I have school. [leaves with other waitress and bicycle]\nMichael: You want help? OK... Merry Christmas.\nSecond Cindy: Merry Christmas.\nDwight: [singing] Lady, from the moment I saw you standing all alone. You gave all the love that I needed...\nMichael: That waitress was the one.\nJim: No. She wasn't.\nMichael: How can you be sure?\nJim: Well, for starters, I've known you as a couple since the beginning of the relationship, which was approximately [looks a watch] three hours ago.\nMichael: Don't make fun... You're making fun of me.\nJim: Sorry.\nMichael: I guess, I didn't know her very well. I marked her arm.\nJim: You what?\nMichael: I, I put a mark on her arm. [Both are laughing] So I could tell them apart. I don't... I know, I know. I can't believe I gave her my bike!\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Oh, why do I feel like crap?\nJim: You just had a rebound.\nMichael: I had rebound? Yeah.\nJim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.\nMichael: I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn't score and I'm not sure who's actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn't matter. It's all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o.\nAngela: [singing, with Dwight holding up microphone] Little baby, parum pum pum pum. I am a poor boy too, parum pum pum pum. I have no gift to bring, parum pum pum pum. That's fit to give our King, parum pum pum pum..\nMichael: [on phone] Yes, I just wanted to see if, uh you would like to come to Jamaica with me. There's this resort called Sandals. Really? OK. All right. I promise you won't be disappointed. Umm, It's all-inclusive...\nAngela: [singing] ... Shall I play for you, parum pum pum pum [Oscar and Gil walk through door]\nOscar: Too soon. [both turn back around and walk out]\nAngela: [singing] I played my drum for Him, parum pum pum pum. I played my best for Him, parum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.\nDwight: [singing along] pum pum pum pum pum pum pum\nDwight: Bye Pam.\nPam: Night.\nJim: [to Pam] Oh, you know what? Sorry, forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters in Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents.\nPam: We should get him a bus ticket. [types on computer] To make his trip easier.\nJim: Oh no, that would be great.\nPam: It costs seventy five dollars.\nJim: Hmm... Well, maybe the CIA can send a helicopter?\nPam: Ohh... [laughs]\nDwight: [Cell phone beeps] What the? [Reading text message] 'You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone.' Destroy phone? [Dwight throws phone off of the roof and walks away]\nMichael: William Randolph Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, and I'm paraphrasing here, 'Love doth be poison.' Brilliant. And a lot of people don't give Shakespeare enough credit. They think it was somebody else. A-holes.\nAngela: When Michael suggested canceling Christmas, I was outraged, not on my behalf, but on behalf of baby Jesus. I mean, would he cancel Christmas because he got dumped or he was two weeks behind on his party planning, on top of the fact that his cats were ill? I think not. I think baby Jesus would suck it up and plan his party.\nKaren: We didn't have a party planning committee in Stamford. Somebody would just volunteer to run out to Carvel and pick up an ice cream cake. So the fact that they have a committee here, fascinating.\nAngela: This is ridiculous. I... I've spent so much time, like I always do. And for that little trollop to come in here and throw her own party... Are you even listening to me?\nToby: Angela, what do you want me to do?\nAngela: I want you to tell her to stop, Toby. Am I being clear?\nToby: [sighing] Look, it's a free country. If she wants to throw a party...\nAngela: What are you...?\nToby: ...using her own money...\nAngela: And what...\nToby: ...then she should be allowed to.\nAngela: No she shouldn't.\nToby: The more the merrier.\nAngela: [Angela slaps Toby on the face.] Stop it.\nToby: Oww.\nAngela: I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I want to wake you up to the injustice that's going on right in front of your face.\nToby: That really hurt. I'm writing you up. [Angela makes an angry face] Hey, you are not allowed to touch other employees. Am I being clear?\nAngela: Michael was so right about you. You are pathetic.\nCreed: I don't care which party I go to. Once you've danced naked at a hash bonfire with the spirits of the dead, all parties seem pretty much the same.\nKevin: I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know.\nPhyllis: Where would you like the Rice Krispy Treat stars?\nAngela: They're Sugarplum fairy wands.\nPhyllis: Sugarplum fairy wands.\nAngela: It's like you weren't even at the meeting.\nStanley: I'm going to the party in the break room, because they have more chairs in there. If I have to stand around a long time, I get real unpleasant to be around.\nAngela: [Phyllis puts down phone] Hmm hmm. [Phyllis gets up and goes to Angela's party]\nMichael: No, no, no, no. You know what, I better hold off. I wanna make sure I don't dial Carol before I get drunk.\nJim: So, really, you're just calling her?\nMichael: Yeah. You know what? I am. I'm gonna call her. That's a good idea.\nDwight: [from across the table] Where's Michael going? Michael? Is he sick? Is he choking?\nMichael: [on [phone] No, I don't think I'm asking too much. I think it's only fair that you tell me exactly what I did wrong. Okay. Uh huh. Well that... yeah. Uh huh. All right. Well, could you tell me something that I did\nRyan: [knocks on office wall] Hey.\nKelly: Hello, Ryan.\nRyan: Merry Christmas. [hands over a gift]\nKelly: Oh, thank you. Do you always get presents for your ex-girlfriends?\nRyan: Okay, we're never technically... um is there.. Is there a problem?\nKelly: Well, I didn't get you anything, because you have treated me inconsiderately, and I'm not gonna stand for that anymore.\nRyan: Um That's... That's fair. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas. [Ryan starts walking away.]\nKelly: [runnning after him] Wait, Ryan, you're not mean. You're adorable. I'm so sorry. I got you a present, too. But then when I got to work, I didn't see anything on my desk from you, so I threw it away. And then Asuncion took the trash out, that's why I think it's in the dumpster. I'm so sorry. I'm the worst. [Kelly hugs Ryan]\nAngela: There's no fizz in this punch. Phyllis!\nPhyllis: I'll just go get a ginger ale.\nAngela: No, I've got it, Phyllis. Stay. Have fun. Eat your wand.\nRyan: [talking to Kelly in dumpster] Hey, Kelly, you know what? Throw my gift away, too.\nKelly: [from inside dumpster] No, you paid money for that CD.\nRyan: I'm serious. It'll show that we don't care about material things.\nKelly: I don't understand.\nRyan: Kelly, I'm so cold!\nKelly: [starts to cry] You don't have to scream at me.\nRyan: Are you having fun in this relationship?\nKelly: Sometimes.\nRyan: I don't know Kelly, sometimes I look at us and I think...\nKelly: [crying] Don't dump me while I'm in the dumpster. Just go back inside if you're so cold. I'll just stay in the dumpster. [Ryan smirks]\nRyan: [both inside dumpster] Did you look over here?\nKelly: Who's eating all these apples?\nRyan: Kelly.\nKelly: And what are these? Are... Why are there egg yolks in here? Aren't you supposed to eat the yolks?\nRyan: Michael was on an egg-yolk diet. He's so weird.\nKelly: Do you think I should diet?\nRyan: No, you're perfect. [Kelly gasps] What? Did you find it?\nKelly: No, I'm scared.\nRyan: All of a sudden?\nKelly: Uh huh. Hold me.\nMichael: Oh, honey, here's Stanley.\nSecond Cindy: Hi.\nMichael: He is also in an interracial relationship, so, you know, if you have any problems, you can always call him.\nStanley: Oh, you're gonna face far greater problems than I can possibly help you with.\nMichael: Sounds good. Okay, let's go."}
{"text": "Jim: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this?\nDwight: Tape recorder.\nJim: For what?\nDwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.\nJim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?\nKaren: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment.\nJim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?\nDwight: What?\nJim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.\nDwight: I'm not.\nJim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!\nDwight: I do not have a knife!\nJim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!\nDwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!\nJim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.\nDwight: Give me it. I am not.\nPhyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly...\nDwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.\nKaren: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?\nJim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.\nDwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach.\nAndy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!\nMichael: Hey, mon!\nPam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.\nMichael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.\nPam: OK.\nMichael: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later.\nPam: It's kind of serious.\nMichael: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.\nPam: How was Jamaica?\nMichael: It was\nStanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.\nMichael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.\nStanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.\nMichael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.\nStanley: They said I should talk to you.\nMichael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna...\nStanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.\nMichael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.\nJim: You want to talk about it?\nKaren: Nope.\nKaren: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a 'for rent' sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.\nMichael: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.\nPam: That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell]\nMichael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now?\nPam: Huh.\nMichael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.\nPam: It's kind of an impoverished country.\nMichael: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.\nPam: But you can't today, we're doing inventory.\nMichael: Inventory's at the end of December.\nPam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.\nMichael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.\nMichael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?\nMichael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.\nAngela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.\nMichael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for 'impossible.'\nJim: Yep, it's English, it's 'impossible.'\nAngela: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.\nMichael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.\nMichael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.' This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.\nPam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor]\nEverybody: What? Where?\nPam: On the left.\nEverybody: Oh yeah, oh my God.\nMichael: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.\nMichael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.\nMichael: [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.\nPacker: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.\nMichael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.\nPacker: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it.\nMichael: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim.\nPacker: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim.\nMichael: Oh no?\nPacker: No.\nMichael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?\nPacker: Well, no. I got nothing.\nMichael: Check it again. Hit refresh.\nPacker: Yeah, Mike, still nothing.\nMichael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] Packer@DunderMifflin.com.\nPacker: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?\nMichael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl?\nRoy: He's in the office.\nMichael: OK, Hey, man, how's it going?\nDarryl: All right, what's up Mike?\nMichael: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?\nDarryl: Yup.\nMichael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not 'packaging.' Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?\nDarryl: Uh huh.\nMichael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.\nDarryl: Yup.\nMichael: And you sent that out to everyone?\nDarryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken]\nJim: Yikes.\nKevin: Already sent it to you my friend.\nJim: Fantastic.\nAndy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: You OK?\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: You sure?\nJim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.\nPam: Oh. You want to talk about it?\nJim: Really?\nMichael: I have a special assignment for you.\nDwight: Who's the target?\nMichael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'\nDwight: What's it of?\nMichael: Not important.\nDwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.\nMichael: OK, forget it.\nDwight: OK, I accept it.\nJim: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.\nPam: Hmm.\nJim: Hmm, what?\nPam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?\nJim: Yeah, I guess.\nPam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.\nPam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah.\nJim: Hey, thanks a lot.\nPam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!\nJim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing]\nToby: Hey I need to talk to you right now.\nMichael: Not now, not ever.\nToby: About you and Jan.\nMichael: Aww, none of your business.\nToby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship.\nMichael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.\nToby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now.\nMichael: This is probably the icebreaker you need.\nToby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.\nMichael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.\nToby: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.\nMichael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?\nToby: All right, thanks Michael.\nMichael: OK.\nAngela: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping.\nKaren: What are the ingredients of poi?\nPhyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.\nAngela: Did you try the petting zoo?\nPam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you.\nMichael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.\nPam: He'll call you back. OK, great.\nMichael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.\nDwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer?\nDwight: Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse.\nMichael: There an accident? Somebody hurt?\nDwight: No, it's... involves the photograph.\nMichael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.\nRoy: [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.\nMichael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]\nRoy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!\nMichael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman-\nKevin: Jan.\nMichael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe...\nJim: Urkel Grue.\nMichael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?\nMichael: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell]\nPam: Hey.\nMichael: Hey.\nPam: What are you doing out here?\nMichael: Island living. You know?\nPam: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you.\nMichael: Did she say what it's about?\nPam: That's all she said.\nAndy: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell]\nJim: Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper]\nKaren: You sure?\nJim: Definitely.\nDwight: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.\nMichael: There are copies in the bathroom?\nDwight: There were. A lot of them.\nMichael: All right.\nKaren: I think I owe you one.\nPam: Sorry?\nKaren: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.\nPam: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.\nKaren: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously.\nPam: Sure.\nDarryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life.\nDwight: Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he?\nPam: What? No, it's not... it's nothing.\nDwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here.\nPam: Yeah.\nDwight: Yeah.\nPam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here.\nDwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?\nJan: Hello everyone. Hello Michael.\nMichael: Guh.\nKevin: Hi Jan, you look... tan.\nJan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.\nKevin: Yeah. How was it?\nJan: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.\nMichael: OK, yup.\nJan: Why am I here, Michael?\nMichael: I...\nJan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?\nMichael: I... I... Yes.\nJan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.\nMichael: OK, yeah.\nJan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks.\nMichael: Who is Dr. Perry? I...\nJan: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.\nMichael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.\nJan: Good, good.\nMichael: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh...\nJan: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time...\nMichael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]\nJan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.\nMichael: Jan, you... complete... me.\nJan: Oh, God.\nRoy: Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?\nPam: Yeah.\nRoy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother.\nKevin: What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]\nMichael: I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags.\nMichael: Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! [snickers] So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It's called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That's how I want every day to be.\nPam: Michael sends me a postcard from every vacation he goes on. Atlantic City, he wishes I was here. Busch Gardens, Virginia, all I got was this lousy postcard. And this time, I'm Jamaican-him-crazy. I don't know how far away he thought he was, because he put $10 worth of stamps on this.\nDwight: Hello, you're back.\nMichael: Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office.\nDwight: While you were gone...\nMichael: Me had an i-rey time.\nDwight: While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up.\nMichael: Dwight, please, please.\nDwight: He turned over my...\nMichael: I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let's don't... Don't harsh my mellow, mon.\nDwight: I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell.\nMichael: Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig.\nDwight: Unbelievable.\nMichael: Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there.\nAndy: I give thanks, mon.\nMichael: You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela]\nAngela: No, I didn't.\nMichael: Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something.\nPam: That's okay.\nMichael: I'm just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts!\nPam: No.\nMichael: [laughs] Try it on.\nPam: No.\nMichael: Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don't think I did.\nPam: Thank you.\nMichael: Stanley, I got you some ganja. I'm just kidding. It's coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja.\nMichael: I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. [holds up CD] Waves over Jamaica, $6.99.\nCreed: Did he actually give you some ganja?\nStanley: No.\nCreed: You want some?\nMichael: Okay, let me tell you a little story. When I was on vacation, I met a man named Bavon. And Bavon takes people parasailing. And you know what he said to me? He said that he loves going to work every day. How many of you can say that you love going to work every day like Bavon? [Dwight and Andy raises hand] No one.\nKevin: But, Michael, Buvon gets to go parasailing every day, and that's fun.\nMichael: His name is Bavon. And you know what? I'm sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I'm sure he would like to take a day off. I'm sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself.\nMichael: I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can't afford it, and corporate won't pay for it. So who's the real criminal?\nMichael: How many of you know the meaning of the Jamaican term, Hakuna Matata?\nJim: [raises hand] Are you stoned?\nMichael: I...\nJim: In the picture, are you high?\nMichael: Oh, that's red eye.\nJim: Is that not what happens when you're high?\nKevin: You look like you have the munchies.\nMichael: Well...\nKelly: I have the munchies. I'm gonna get some of those chocolate wafers.\nMichael: Hey, can we just focus?\nPam: Michael and Jan together in Jamaica. I guess I would just need a little bit more evidence than seeing it with my own eyes.\nRyan: I don't know if Michael and Jan really went to Jamaica, because Michael's way into Photoshop. For example, I never went with him to Egypt. [holds up picture with Michael and himself in Egypt]\nPhyllis: Where did you save the list of exchanges?\nStanley: I will gladly give you that information when my bonus comes through.\nPhyllis: But I won't be able to do inventory without it.\nStanley: Then you won't be able to do inventory.\nPhyllis: Yeah, I really like Stanley, but I'm not always sure if he likes me. I guess that's okay, 'cause I don't really like him.\nDwight: Come on. Come on.\nMichael: Okay. Well, Jan's email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott.\nDwight: Try Dwight.\nMichael: Her passwords aren't going to be Dwight, Dwight. That's stupid. Okay.\nMichael: Don't you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that's able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I'd... Yes, I will hold.\nSomeone: So your trip to Scottsdale was good?\nJan: Oh yeah, Arizona's beautiful. Yeah. It's great to... great to see my sister.\nSomeone: Burnt.\nJan: Oh, yeah, I know. I don't... I don't normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it's Scottsdale... I was visiting my sister and...\nMeredith: When a woman gets older, she'll go just about anywhere with just about anyone. I've done some things I'm not so proud of, but I've seen the world.\nAngela: Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can't just whore it out.\nKevin: I should be turned on. But, last year, remember, I had that skin cancer scare, and so now all I can think is that I hope she was wearing sunscreen. God, I would love to rub some on her.\nDwight: The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking.\nPam: Okay. So I went on the Internet, and she is not gonna find another apartment for that price. I mean this one is twice as much, and it doesn't have parking. Does she like to park?\nJim: Oh, loves it.\nPam: Okay. This one is the same price but it's got...\nJim: Green walls.\nPam: I think that's mold.\nJim: Ooh... fancy.\nDwight: Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I'd drawn up for him, Jan's boobs might not be all over the Internet. [Dwight pretends to shoot out webs from his palms]\nDwight: Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. [Jim shuffles the deck of cards] Get back... Back to work!\nPam: Yes, it is The Island Luau Inventory '07. It's actually a success compared to Disco Audit '05.\nRoy: What's the problem?\nRyan: We have seven fewer boxes of Canariola copier paper in stock than we're supposed to.\nRoy: Let me see this. [scans one box seven times] Looks good to me.\nStanley: I wouldn't have come, but I know Jan is showing up soon. I don't wanna miss the show.\nMichael: [Kelly singing] Hey! Hey! Stop your mouth, please.\nKelly: Eighty-six. Eighty-seven. [singing] Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine.\nAndy: Hey Dwight, I bet I can stack faster than you can.\nDwight: Please, I can double your pace.\nAndy: Oh, yeah? Prove it, champ. You ready?\nDwight: Let's go.\nAndy: One, two, three, go!\nJim: [Dwight and Andy stacking boxes rapidly] Nice.\nAndy: Get out of my way, Jim!\nDwight: Jim, move!\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: Okay.\nAndy: Dang it.\nDwight: Two at a time!\nAndy: Those aren't straight. Totally crooked. Totally crooked. You're disqualified.\nMeredith: [to herself] Be careful. [yells as boxes fall on her] Hello? I'm stuck!\nMichael: Hey, Stanley, in case I don't see you again after tonight, here is your bonus, $1,000 cash. Keep the change. [hands Stanley a piece of Jamaican currency]\nStanley: There is a butterfly on this. Why?\nMichael: It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don't remember in which direction.\nStanley: So it's either worth $15 bucks or $65,000.\nMichael: Yes, good luck with that.\nToby: You know, I actually lived in Honolulu for a year.\nKevin: Oh, so you've been to a real luau.\nToby: Yeah.\nKevin: Yeah.\nAngela: I tried. We didn't have time.\nDwight: You're a box short on the black, medium-line ballpoints.\nCreed: I don't know what to tell you.\nCreed: One year, I had a close acquaintance of mine back a truck in here and clean out this whole place. That was a very good year. I think they blamed it on some kid."}
{"text": "Michael: Jim, could you come in here please?\nHarvey: Hi, Jim.\nJim: Hello.\nHarvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.\nMichael: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.\nJim: Yeah, you can.\nMichael: You know what? Get Pam.\nJim: For this?\nMichael: Pam.\nHarvey: Pam, you look very hot today.\nJim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.\nPam: Great.\nHarvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.\nMichael: Oh, that is gross.\nPam: Who is 'Long Tim'?\nMichael: Damn it.\nHarvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.\nJim: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?\nPam: I would love to meet Long Tim.\nJim: Yeah. Right?\nPam: Yeah.\nHarvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.\nJim: Ok.\nPam: Ok. Bye Harvey.\nHarvey: Boobs.\nKevin: Angela.\nAngela: What?\nKevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?\nAngela: They arrived this morning.\nKevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal.\nAngela: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?\nKevin: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.\nAndy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river.\nAngela: Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk]\nDwight: Everything is fine. You are in the clear.\nAngela: Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those.\nMichael: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.\nAndy: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?\nMichael: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.\nAndy: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.\nMichael: Oh.\nAndy: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.\nMichael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.\nAndy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.\nMichael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.\nPhyllis: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.\nKaren: Oh, uh, thanks.\nMichael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.\nStanley: Pass.\nMichael: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.\nStanley: ... I'll take the kid.\nRyan: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'\nMichael: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.\nDwight: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?\nJim: Yup. I'll trade.\nJim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.\nAndy: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.\nMichael: Dwight?\nDwight: Yup?\nMichael: Here ya go. [throws laundry]\nDwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?\nMichael: Please.\nAndy: He does your laundry?\nMichael: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the 'Amazing Race.' [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?\nKaren: Wait, 'Amazing Race' like, the biggest sale wins?\nMichael: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.\nRyan: Is there a prize?\nMichael: Just bragging rights.\nPhyllis: Then how is this 'Amazing Race'?\nMichael: It's just... brrrrrr... It's 'Amazing Race,' Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.\nDwight: Come on!!\nPhyllis: Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.]\nMichael: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!\nAndy: Bueno.\nPhyllis: Do you have a pole?\nKaren: Let's go get a broom.\nJim: Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?\nDwight: Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.\nMichael: Here we go.\nAndy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.\nAndy: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?\nMichael: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.\nAndy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.\nAngela: Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?\nPam: Really?\nAngela: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun.\nPam: Ok. Sure.\nAngela: Ok.\nKaren: Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon?\nPhyllis: Um-hmmm.\nRyan: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?\nStanley: You want the lead?\nRyan: Yeah, if you don't mind.\nStanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.\nDwight: Leave the keys.\nJim: You still do that thing?\nDwight: Leave the keys!\nAndy: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?\nMichael: Hawkman.\nAndy: My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons.\nMichael: [Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting.\nJim: After you sir.\nDwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.\nJim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.\nDwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight]\nPam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.\nAngela: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.\nPam: That's great.\nAngela: Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello?\nMichael: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?\nBuyer: Yep.\nMichael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.\nAndy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once.\nMichael: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.\nAndy: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.\nBuyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.\nMichael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.\nAndy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.\nMichael: No.\nAndy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.\nMichael: Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it.\nAndy: Ow.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [excited] This is Pam. I did?\nAndy: Oh man. Talk about your classic 'Lame dash O.' Do we even want that guy buying our paper?\nMichael: Yes.\nAndy: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up.\nMichael: Ah, no. Don't worry about it.\nAndy: I really 'Schruted' it.\nMichael: What?\nAndy: Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?\nMichael: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.\nPhyllis: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny.\nKaren: Yeah, thank you.\nPhyllis: Hey, how's Annie?\nKenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?\nJulius: Stanley Hudson.\nStanley: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?\nJulius: Great, great, great.\nGuy: Stanley.\nStanley: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.\nRyan: Hi.\nStanley: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?\nRyan: Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.\nJulius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?\nRyan: Oh...\nJim: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.\nMan: Kay. 'Kay.\nDwight: Can I use your phone?\nMan: Yeah, sure, go ahead.\nDwight: Thanks.\nJim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.\nDwight: [On Phone] One...\nJim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges...\nDwight: Three...\nJim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need...\nDwight: Seven...\nJim: We can custom make them.\nPam: Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me.\nPam: Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today.\nKevin: How much did you win?\nPam: $100.00\nKevin: I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.\nPam: Cool. Congratulations.\nKevin: Thanks, so sweet.\nStanley: Ha ha ha! And you just said, 'Hi! Hi! Hi!' Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!\nMan: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.\nDwight: Sure.\nJim: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?\nMan: It's very.\nPhone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.\nDwight: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.\nJim: [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin.\nKelly: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.\nJim: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.\nKelly: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up]\nDwight: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.\nMan: All right, I get it. We got a deal.\nJim: Thanks.\nPam: Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest.\nAngela: That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.\nPam: Oh.\nAngela: I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.\nPam: Oh?\nAngela: Mmm-hmm.\nPam: Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand.\nAngela: Well then. Have a nice day.\nKaren: Thanks. That was fun.\nPhyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.\nKaren: Thank you.\nPhyllis: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.\nKaren: That's nice.\nPhyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover.\nAndy: Hey boss. Got a minute?\nMichael: Yes, Andy.\nAndy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?\nMichael: He didn't say.\nAndy: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?\nMichael: No, you are remembering it wrong.\nMichael: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.\nDwight: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.\nJim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.\nDwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.\nJim: We should go on a double date.\nDwight: No thank you.\nJan: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'\nMichael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]\nAndy: Oh, doggie.\nKaren: Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?\nJim: Sure. Look at you!\nKaren: Yeah.\nJim: Beesley, coffee?\nPam: No, thanks. I had some already.\nJim: All right.\nPam: Oh, but, hey, Jim.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: I won an art contest today.\nJim: No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five]\nPam: Thanks.\nJim: Which one was it?\nPam: I sent in one of my watercolors.\nJim: Cool.\nPam: It was the new one I did.\nJim: Oh\nKaren: You ready Jim?\nJim: Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Congratulations.\nPam: Thanks.\nJim: Big deal.\nDwight: Hey, we nailed the sale!\nMichael: Where were you this morning?\nDwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.\nMichael: Why do you lie, liar?\nDwight: I am not a liar.\nMichael: You are lying right now.\nAndy: It sure seems like he is lying.\nDwight: Stay out of this, you!\nMichael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.\nDwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.\nMichael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.\nDwight: That's what she said.\nMichael: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.\nDwight: It's going to be ok.\nAngela: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.\nDwight: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.\nAngela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.\nDwight: Well, I don't have a lot of choices.\nKaren: So, let me ask you a question.\nJim: Ok.\nKaren: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?\nJim: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?\nKaren: I moved here from Connecticut...\nJim: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?\nKaren: Kay.\nDwight: Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .\nAndy: Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp.\nDwight: I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.\nMichael: Good luck.\nRyan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed.\nAngela: Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.\nDwight: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.\nJim: Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves]\nKaren: What happened on your sales call?\nAndy: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good."}
{"text": "Dwight: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.\nDwight: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.\nDwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.\nDwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.\nDwight: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.\nDwight: [in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.\nAndy: [to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays 'Rockin' Robin']\nJim: Is that you singing?\nAndy: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.\nJim: Nice job.\nAndy: Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing]\nJim: You gonna answer it?\nAndy: I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.\nJim: Yikes.\nAndy: Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.\nJim: Thank you.\nAndy: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna...\nJim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.\nMichael: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.\nAndy: The cost of doing business.\nMichael: Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman...\nAndy: Was the top salesman...\nMichael: I said 'was'.\nAndy: [chuckles] Addition by subtraction.\nMichael: What does that even mean? That is impossible.\nAndy: Mmmm. Yeah you're right.\nMichael: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.\nOscar: Hey, everyone.\nKevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?\nOscar: Oh, that's very funny.\nKevin: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.\nOscar: [sits at his desk] Hi, Angela.\nAngela: Oscar.\nAndy: Hey, boss.\nMichael: Hey, what's up.\nAndy: Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?\nMichael: Yep.\nAndy: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?\nMichael: I don't know. Maybe.\nAndy: Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going?\nMichael: Bathroom.\nAndy: Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.\nAndy: [lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss.\nAngela: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?\nOscar: The one of all women?\nAngela: Yeah.\nOscar: Because I'm gay?\nAngela: No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.\nOscar: OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's - thank you.\nAngela: Thank you. [sniffles]\nKevin: Can I join too?\nAngela: Never.\nStaples Guy: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.\nDwight: [scoffs] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.\nMichael: Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.\nPam: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?\nMichael: Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.\nPam: Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.\nMichael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.\nAndy: Feel ya, dawg.\nMichael: Yeah, do you?\nAndy: Absolutely.\nMichael: What did I say?\nAndy: You said... [makes gibberish noises]\nMichael: Huh.\nAndy: Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it.\nMichael: Oh, no.\nAndy: Oh, no.\nMIchael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.' I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.\nOscar: I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.\nMichael: No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific.\nOscar: Michael -\nMichael: No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.\nOscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.\nMichael: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.\nDwight: Need any help?\nLady: Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.\nDwight: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.\nLady: Okay. [moves away]\nAndy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli - ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!\nJim: Hey.\nKaren: Hey.\nJim: So Andy is in rare form today.\nKaren: Yeah, you should not encourage him.\nJim: Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something.\nKaren: Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't.\nJim: Fine. Party pooper.\nMichael: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.\nAndy: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ['displays' Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed]\nJim: Hey, Ryan?\nRyan: What?\nJim: You wanna pull a prank on Andy?\nRyan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.\nJim: I liked you better when you were the temp.\nRyan: Yeah, me too.\nMichael: Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?\nPhyllis: Sort of. He had a lot of clients.\nMichael: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?\nStanley: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.\nMichael: Really?\nStanley: No.\nMichael: Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.\nPhyllis: No. Sorry.\nPhyllis: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.\nParis: Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell.\nDwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.\nParis: So um, where were you workin' before this?\nDwight: Dunder-Mifflin.\nParis: What kind of company is that?\nDwight: [scoffs] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.\nParis: I never heard of 'em.\nDwight: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?\nParis: You gonna be like that, huh?\nParis: I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter.\nAndy: [singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.\nJim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?\nPam: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of - yes please.\nJim: Okay, good. Stay right here.\nAndy: [after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.\nJim: [hands Pam Andy's phone] Are there any messages?\nPam: Nope.\nJim: So weird.\nPam: [takes the phone] Hmm.\nMichael: Nice to have Oscar back.\nAngela: Yeah.\nAndy: Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?\nJim: No.\nAndy: Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.\nPam: Angela?\nAngela: Oh. [hands Pam tape]\nPam: Is everything okay?\nAngela: No.\nAndy: What's going on?\nJim: What are you talking about?\nAndy: Where is my FREAKING phone?!\nJim: You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.\nAndy: Maybe you're in the ceiling!\nJim: Okay.\nAndy: [trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don't trust you, Phyllis!\nAngela: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.\nMichael: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.\nAngela: Yes.\nMichael: Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?\nAngela: None of them. Especially not Andy.\nMichael: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.\nAndy: Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?\nMichael: Um.\nAndy: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own.\nMichael: No. I don't want to do any of that.\nAndy: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.\nMichael: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.\nAndy: Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?\nPam: Yeah.\nAndy: Sure? Okay.\nDwight: [to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.\nMichael: Hey.\nDwight: Hey.\nMichael: What's up?\nDwight: Same old.\nMichael: Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.\nDwight: Oh my God, she told you?\nMichael: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.\nDwight: Accepted.\nMichael: How's this place treating you?\nDwight: [scoffs] The boss isn't funny.\nMichael: Oh, well.\nDwight: I don't get to wear my ties.\nMichael: No. I'm sure.\nDwight: So?\nMichael: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.\nDwight: I don't want to do your laundry anymore.\nMichael: We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right.\nJim: [inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.\nPam: I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker]\nJim: [imitating Andy] 'It's not freakin' funny!'\nAngela: Are you enjoying your fiesta?\nOscar: Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out - [Angela walks away] it's great.\nMichael: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!\nEverybody: Yay. [scattered appalause]\nAngela: Welcome back.\nDwight: Thank you.\nMichael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh?\nDwight: You did this for me? [camera pans to 'Welcome Back Oscar' sign]\nMichael: Guilty.\nCreed: Oh... Where did you get this stuff?\nMeredith: Gerty's.\nCreed: Which aisle?\nMeredith: I don't remember.\nCreed: Well, draw me a map, mama.\nMichael: Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.\nPam: No, I will not.\nMichael: So does this remind you of your childhood right now?\nOscar: It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.\nMichael: Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's- thanks so much.\nJim: Hey.\nKaren: [sighs] Do you still have feelings for her?\nJim: [long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes.\nMichael: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him]\nDwight: Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! [beats up pinata]\nMichael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.\nAndy: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. [gets out of his car] This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.\nMarcy: Oh, hi. You must be Andy.\nAndy: Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy!\nMarcy: That's right, it's so good to meet you.\nAndy: It's so good to meet you!\nMarcy: Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?\nAndy: Yeah."}
{"text": "Michael: Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road-\nDwight: How do you know it's going to be a boy?\nMichael: How, would you stop interrupting please?\nMichael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.\nMichael: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to.\nMichael: To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever.\nDwight: [Shakes head]\nMichael: Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.\nPam: What?\nMichael: We will demonstrate on Pam.\nPam: No. No. [Leaves]\nMichael: Come on.\nMichael: [Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks.\nDwight: Ow.\nMichael: Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.\nMichael: And remember no matter what, I will always love you.\nDwight: What if he's a murderer?\nMichael: He's not going to be a murderer.\nDwight: Maybe that's how you die.\nMichael: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?\nDwight: I want to do this.\nMichael: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-\nDwight: Action.\nMichael: Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.\nJim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...\nMichael: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.\nMichael: I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat.\nMichael: What's up spinsters?\nAngela: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.\nMichael: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys.\nKaren: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever.\nJim: Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights.\nPam: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.\nPacker: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.\nKaren: Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend.\nPacker: Shut up!\nKaren: Yep.\nPacker: Shut it!\nKaren: That's rude.\nPacker: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!\nMichael: Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor]\nPacker: What happened?\nMichael: Oh God-\nPacker: Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael]\nMichael: No, no, no!\nMichael: I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.\nPacker: I have a full day of sales calls.\nMichael: You should get out of them.\nPacker: [Breaks pencil.]\nMichael: It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious.\nPacker: And what kind of stripper did you get?\nMichael: I did not order a stripper.\nPacker: You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?\nMichael: Um, not personally, no.\nPacker: Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard.\nMichael: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.\nPacker: Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.\nMichael: So that's what that means.\nMichael: Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself]\nDwight: Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself]\nMichael: Gay.\nDwight: What?\nMichael: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.\nAngela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.\nMeredith: SHUT UP ANGELA!\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Ugh.\nJim: Ugh.\nPam: Everything okay?\nJim: Oh yeah. Why?\nPam: Well you seem a little tired.\nJim: Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.\nPam: You should get more sleep.\nJim: Yeah, I know I should.\nPam: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.\nJim: No, I'm sure you're right.\nPam: When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference.\nJim: Really?\nPam: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.\nJim: Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.\nPam: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. [Turning towards the vending machine] Oh my God.\nMichael: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.\nJim: Absolutely not.\nDwight: I'm on it.\nMichael: Well get on it. And make it happen.\nDwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-\nJim: Stop. That's disgusting.\nDwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper.\nJim: Fine.\nDwight: I knew you would, Nancy.\nJim: Sally.\nDwight: No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?\nJim: Blonde.\nDwight: Nice. Do you have any blonde women?\nMichael: [Giggles.]\nRyan: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.\nMichael: [Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes?\nJim: Are you okay?\nMichael: I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.\nJim: Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants.\nMichael: Squarepants?\nJim: Yep, Spongebob Squarepants.\nMichael: And you think that'd be sexy?\nJim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.\nBen Franklin: Hold the door please!\nMichael: Oh.\nBen Franklin: Thank you.\nMichael: Oh. Hello!\nBen Franklin: Hello!\nMichael: You wearing a thong?\nBen Franklin: What?\nAngela: Sparkling cider is very good.\nPam: I think that's champagne.\nAngela: [Spits champagne back into her glass]\nMichael: Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.\nBen Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.\nMichael: Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?\nBen Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes!\nMichael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.\nBen Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.\nMichael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.\nBen Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.\nMichael: And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.\nMeredith: Wait, this is the entertainment?\nMichael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis]\nJim: Have you ever seen a stripper before?\nDwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.\nJim: Yeah, me neither.\nElizabeth: Hey.\nJim: Hi.\nElizabeth: I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested.\nDwight: Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper.\nElizabeth: I'm the stripper.\nDwight: Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such.\nJim: [Phone rings] Oh God.\nDwight: [Reading the text message] Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'\nBen Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight.\nKaren: Mr. Franklin?\nBen Franklin: Yes?\nKaren: Do you have a girlfriend?\nBen Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.\nPam: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?\nBen Franklin: Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening.\nMichael: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.\nRyan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?\nMichael: No. Yes.\nRyan: Oh gross.\nMichael: But I got all the foot off of it.\nPam: Okay Ben Franklin!\nKaren: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!\nBen Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man.\nPam: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?\nBen Franklin: Well, you're very saucy! [Winks at Pam.]\nMichael: Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?\nDwight: I do! I want some man meat!\nJim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.\nMichael: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.\nStanley: [Stanley's fork breaks.] Of course.\nKaren: So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use?\nPam: Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it.\nKaren: Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.\nPam: What do you mean?\nKaren: Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him?\nPam: Oh yeah.\nKaren: Really?\nPam: Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together.\nKaren: Okay.\nPam: I'm not into Jim. Yeah.\nKaren: So um, well good.\nPam: Yeah. Sorry.\nKaren: What are you sorry about?\nPam: Um, what?\nKaren: What are you sorry about?\nPam: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else.\nKevin: Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild.\nMichael: I call shuffle. Here we go. [Spreads cards out all over the table]\nKevin: Michael.\nMichael: Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.\nElizabeth: Hi guys!\nMichael: Nice outfit.\nElizabeth: I hear there's an important meeting here.\nRoy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art.\nElizabeth: Hit it. [Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background] So where's the groom?\nMichael: He's right there. There he is.\nBob Vance: Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you.\nMichael: Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I?\nElizabeth: Just sit on down.\nMichael: Alright.\nElizabeth: Alright.\nMichael: Okay.\nElizabeth: Here we go.\nMichael: Here we go. Alright!\nElizabeth: Yeah!\nMichael: Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.\nElizabeth: Mmm, what's that?\nMichael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...\nElizabeth: I bet she'd be jealous. [Rips off shirt]\nMichael: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work!\nDwight: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.\nElizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on.\nDwight: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.\nElizabeth: Oh I love your poster.\nAngela: Thank you.\nKevin: [Mouths 'hi' at the stripper]\nBen Franklin: You know I invented electricity.\nPam: I know.\nBen Franklin: Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here.\nPam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?\nBen Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.\nPam: Ohhh.\nMichael: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me.\nBen Franklin: You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.\nMichael: Really.\nBen Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.\nMichael: Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag.\nMichael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?\nElizabeth: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.\nMichael: Wow. Thank you.\nDwight: Care for a piece of chocolate?\nBen Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States.\nDwight: Who is the king of Austria?\nBen Franklin: Joseph the 2nd.\nDwight: Who is the king of Prussia?\nBen Franklin: Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd.\nDwight: Who is the king of England?\nBen Franklin: Why the tyrant King George, of course!\nDwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.\nJan: [On speaker phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?\nMichael: Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will.\nJan: Okay.\nMichael: I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.\nJan: Uh when, when did, when last night?\nMichael: No, today at work.\nJan: You went to a bachelor party at work?\nMichael: Yes. I kind of arranged it.\nKelly: Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?\nRyan: Kelly don't do this.\nKelly: Do what? I just asked you a question.\nRyan: You know what you're doing.\nKelly: Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.\nJim: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley?\nPam: Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.\nRyan: Ok.\nElizabeth: Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.\nPam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.\nElizabeth: You could strip you know.\nPam: Thanks.\nMichael: So you don't want to end our relationship?\nJan: I'm closer to firing you.\nMichael: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?\nJan: I'll talk to you later.\nMichael: You are. You are.\nMichael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.\nDwight: Are you near sighted or far sighted?\nBen Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocal.\nDwight: GAH!!!"}
{"text": "Jim: Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?\nDwight: What do you think?\nJim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment.\nJim: [Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?\nDwight: Okay.\nJim: [Windows reboot sound] Altoid?\nDwight: Sure\nJim: [Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight?\nDwight: Inbwit? Yes.\nDwight: [Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs]\nJim: What are you doing?\nDwight: I...\nJim: What?\nDwight: I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise]\nMichael: Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?\nPhotographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great.\nMichael: Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.\nPhyllis: Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.\nPam: Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'.\nJim: So what's in the box?\nStanley: A toaster, you?\nKaren: A toaster.\nStanley: Unbelievable.\nDwight: Hello, Angela.\nAngela: Hi, Dwight.\nDwight: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.\nAngela: Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left!\nDwight: The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.\nJim: Those flowers are nice.\nKaren: Yeah. P and R?\nJim: Phyllis and Robert.\nKaren: Ah, of course.\nPam: Also, Pam and Roy.\nMichael: There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.\nPhyllis: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.\nMichael: How you doin'? You excited.\nPhyllis: Yes, very.\nMichael: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?\nPhyllis: No.\nMichael: You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous...\nPhyllis: That wasn't me.\nMichael: Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?\nPhyllis: I thought it was...\nMichael: Here, let me...\nPhyllis: Michael... No.\nMichael: Just cover up that bald patch.\nPhyllis: I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.\nMichael: [in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you!\nMichael: Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'.\nDwight: Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?\nJim: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.\nDwight: No way.\nJim: Did you ever see that movie?\nDwight: Of course I saw it.\nDwight: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.\nJim: You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out.\nDwight: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.\nKevin: [to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her?\nToby: At the gym.\nKevin: Riiight. The gym. [snickers]\nKelly: Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.\nMeredith: I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.\nKelly: I know but there was an emergency.\nKelly: I look\nMichael: This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it.\nPam: That's my dress.\nMichael: [whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking]\nDwight: It's a miracle.\nCrowd: [generalized clapping]\nMichael: This is bull****!\nMichael: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.\nMichael: I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over.\nPriest: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?\nPhyllis: I do.\nMichael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!\nPriest: And do you, Bob...\nMichael: Oh, shiii...\nPriest: ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife\nBob Vance: I do.\nPriest: You may now kiss the bride.\nMichael: Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!\nAngela: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning.\nPhyllis: Thanks Angela.\nMichael: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.\nBob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.\nMichael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.\nDwight: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.\nPhyllis: I don't have that, Dwight.\nDwight: Dammit, Phyllis!\nKelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.\nPam: What do you mean?\nKelly: Well... this was supposed to be your wedding.\nPam: Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine\nKelly: There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.\nPam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks\nDwight: Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple?\nUncle Al: Who?\nDwight: The bride and groom? What are their names?\nUncle Al: Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure.\nDwight: Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on.\nUncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going?\nDwight: Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.\nUncle Al: Oh!\nMichael: Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?\nPhyllis: It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.\nMichael: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.\nPhyllis: It's fish.\nMichael: I will take care of that.\nMichael: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.\nKevin: No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.\nKevin: Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light.\nRoy: Hey.\nPam: Hey.\nRoy: I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste.\nPam: You're kidding me, right?\nRoy: I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom.\nPam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.\nRoy: I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning.\nPam: Yeah.\nRoy: Sorry about that.\nPam: It's okay.\nRoy: You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.\nRandy: Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler!\nCrowd: [cheering and clapping]\nUnknown: She is.\nRandy: Cheers.\nCrowd: Cheers.\nMichael: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride 'Mawige...\nMichael: The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.\nMichael: Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance...\nBob Vance: Oh okay. That's enough.\nMichael: is a guy that...\nBob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me...\nMichael: he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.\nBob Vance: Give me the microphone.\nMichael: No. I'm not going to...\nBob Vance: Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael.\nMichael: Ok. All right.\nBob Vance: You're out of here!\nMichael: Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Hey!\nJim: When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?\nPam: Oh... I'm pacing myself.\nJim: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.\nPam: No. I'm such a dorky dancer.\nJim: I know. It's very cute.\nJim: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical.\nMichael: Come... Come on!\nDwight: I can't let you in, Michael.\nMichael: Dwight, just...\nDwight: No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders.\nMichael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song.\nDwight: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.\nMichael: OK.\nRoy: Hey, they're playing our song.\nPam: Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police.\nRoy: I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?\nMichael: [sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.\nRoy: [to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here?\nJim: Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen.\nKaren: [sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every...\nWomen: One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them]\nToby: Toby! Yeah!\nMichael: I just want Phyllis to have a great day.\nUncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together.\nMichael: We are great together. We are a great team.\nUncle Al: The Celtics were a great team.\nMichael: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.\nUncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know!\nMichael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.\nMichael: Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.\nPhyllis: You found Uncle Al!\nMichael: Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.\nPhyllis: Thank you, Michael.\nMichael: You're... You're welcome.\nMichael: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.\nMichael: Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]"}
{"text": "Michael: Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you?\nKevin: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.\nMichael: Huh?\nKevin: I almost died. I... I went into this skid-\nMichael: Pop quiz.\nKevin: ...What?\nMichael: Why is today a special day?\nKevin: I almost died.\nMichael: Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you...\nRyan: You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class.\nMichael: In business school, Kevin. Business school.\nKevin: Wow.\nRyan: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid\nMichael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us.\nMichael: Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?\nDwight: Don't be an idiot.' Changed my life.\nDwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing.\nMichael: Will they throw their hats, you think?\nRyan: What?\nMichael: A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.\nRyan: Y-You understand nobody's graduating.\nMichael: Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: 'May your hats fly as high as your dreams.' ... That was a pretty good line.\nRyan: ...It doesn't apply.\nMichael: I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!\nRyan: Quit it!\nMichael: We have fun.\nRoy: I can't for your art show tonight.\nPam: Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio.\nRoy: I-I wouldn't miss it for the world.\nPam: Thanks.\nPam: I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy.\nRoy: Love ya.\nPam: You too.\nJim: Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on.\nKelly: I can't believe you're back together with Roy!\nPam: Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.\nKelly: Oh my God. You're so in love now.\nPam: Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.\nKelly: Oh, art show!\nPam: I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.\nKelly: ...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure.\nMichael: Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, throws frisbee] Whoo!\nCollege Student: ...Dude.\nDwight: ...Oh my God. Animal stool. [jumps on desk]\nPam: Dwight, what are you doing?\nDwight: Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile] Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo-BAT! BAAAT! BAT!\nKaren: Oh my God!\nDwight: BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!\nStanley: Goooood bye.\nAngela: [on ground] ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me...\nMichael: Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.\nRyan: ...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off...\nMichael: I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.\nDwight: We have... a bat... in the office.\nToby: The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open.\nAngela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!\nJim: Okay. Thanks. [hangs up phone] Animal control will be here at six.\nDwight: At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership.\nJim: I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd...\nDwight: What? What's so wierd?\nJim: The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... [shrugs] Oh well.\nRyan: And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.\nMichael: Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.\nDwight: [sighs] This is your job, Halpert.\nJim: Ow!\nKaren: Oh, what happened?\nJim: That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot.\nKaren: But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.\nJim: What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre.\nDwight: No... no. One crisis at a time.\nDwight: If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.\nMichael: So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... [pulls out a candy bar] a Whatchamacallit [throws bar]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied?\nToby: Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.\nPam: Oh! No, you should go.\nToby: Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.\nMichael: Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies.\nRyan: Michael.\nMichael: ...And products!\nRyan: What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.\nMichael: Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.\nBusiness Student #1: Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?\nMichael: We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops]\nKaren: Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.\nJim: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.\nKaren: What glare?\nJim: The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding.\nDwight: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.\nDwight: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance-\nCreed: Sure.\nDwight: #NAME?\nCreed: Okay.\nDwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?\nCreed: What size?\nBusiness Student #2: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?\nMichael: ...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.\nBusiness Student #2: Has anyone ever come back?\nMichael: ...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid.\nBusiness Student #3: How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?\nMichael: Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index?\nBusiness Student #3: ...What?\nMichael: Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here?\nBusiness Student #1: By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.\nMichael: ...Wait, Ryan said that?\nKelly: What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat.\nCreed: Animals can't feel pain.\nKelly: Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!\nDwight: Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW!\nKelly: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!\nKevin: [locks bat in break room] I... am a hero!\nMichael: Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay.\nBusiness Student #2: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?\nMichael: David will always beat Goliath.\nBusiness Student #1: But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax...\nMichael: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?\nBusiness Student #1: But in the big picture...\nMichael: Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT!\nRyan: ...It wasn't personal.\nMichael: Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.\nRyan: Pack my-?\nMichael: You heard me, pack your things.\nMeredith: I really want to come out!\nCreed: Good night, Mary Beth!\nJim: So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control?\nDwight: Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.\nJim: Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight.\nDwight: Goodbye Jim. And good luck.\nDwight: Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.\nPam: ...And it's all from the same series.\nWoman: Oh.\nPam: Called 'Impressions.'\nWoman: Oh.\nPam: Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se.\nWoman: Maybe one day.\nPam: I hope so.\nWoman: Mmm.\nPam: I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [Woman leaves, Roy enters] Hey, babe, how are you?\nRoy: Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh?\nPam: Hey, Kenny.\nKenny: Hey Pam.\nRoy: How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh?\nDwight: Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! [puts bag over Meredith's head]\nMeredith: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!\nDwight: Hold still, woman!\nMeredith: Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!\nDwight: ...[captures bat in bag] ... You're welcome.\nRoy: It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.\nPam: Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home.\nRoy: To my place?\nPam: Maybe, I'm a little tired.\nRoy: Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art.\nPam: Thank you.\nRyan: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.\nMichael: Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex.\nRyan: To the annex? Where... Kelly is?\nMichael: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.\nOscar: You're the one who said we needed more culture.\nGil: This is culture to you?\nOscar: It's her first try.\nGil: Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.\nOscar: Meaning what?\nGil: Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.\nOscar: Well, those aren't Pam's strong points.\nGil: Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art.\nArtist: Thanks for coming.\nMichael: Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town.\nPam: Oh, Michael.\nMichael: Wow! You did these... freehand?\nPam: Yep.\nMichael: My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] ... How much?\nPam: What do you mean?\nMichael: I don't see a... price.\nPam: Um... you wanna buy it?\nMichael: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car?\nPam: Uh-huh.\nMichael: That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.\nPam: [hugs Michael] ... Thank you.\nMichael: What?\nPam: Do you have something in your pocket?\nMichael: ...Chunky. Do you want half?\nPam: No thank you.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera.\nKelly: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...\nRyan: It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited.\nKelly: I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't...\nMichael: Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can't do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing.\nJim: OK, here we go... Digest of business terms, CliffsNotes on business economics, and a sales encyclopedia.\nMichael: Wow! That's a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these.\nJim: Those are the books that sum up the other books.\nMichael: So no?\nJim: What are you reading?\nMichael: Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I've kept a diary of all my sales.\nJim: Oh, that could be interesting.\nMichael: No, it's just mileage mostly, but there's one chapter that I call wisdoms. I'm going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are.\nJim: [clears throat] I am ready.\nMichael: Don't do what I say, say what I do.\nJim: Five.\nMichael: Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up.\nJim: Hmm... Five.\nMichael: This... You know this is a scale of one to ten?\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: OK. Do you want me to repeat that?\nJim: No, I got it.\nCreed: [motions to phyllis's desk]\nStanley: She's on her honeymoon. She won't be back for six weeks.\nCreed: I'll wait. [sighs]\nMeredith: Here's a joke for you. Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?\nAngela: Don't Meredith.\nMeredith: You ready?\nOscar: You know I don't like to participate in the...\nMeredith: Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?\nOscar: Really, it's just that I don't like to participate...\nMeredith: Grow up.\nOscar: It's just... I'm sorry... It's gossip, and I don't think it's healthy.\nMeredith: Get over yourself.\nOscar: Well, I'm not going to get over myself... it's wrong.\nMeredith: Because Roy use to... [long censor beep]... with the rice... [long censor beep]... [laughs]\nOscar: [laughs] That's disgusting.\nMeredith: [still laughing] I know.\nMichael: Everybody please stand, and get up on your desks. [goes to stand on desk] Just stand right up.\nRyan: Michael it's not... It's not...\nMichael: That's, yep a little flimsy. Umm... OK... Ahh... Alright, no more desks. Oh OK.\nMichael: I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple... [holds up snickers] Kids love candy bars.\nMichael: Lets try a little... Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You're it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for.\nStudent 1: How have you adopted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?\nMichael: Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise...ses. Umm, let me ask you this: How many people exist in the world? Over forty billion. What are they going to be writing on... rocks? Any one else? [points] Yep.\nStudent 2: Just following up on that first question...\nMichael: No no no no no. Never follow, always lead.\nStudent 2: OK.\nMichael: OK.\nStudent 2: New question.\nMichael: Very good.\nStudent 2: In the digital age...\nMichael: OK.\nStudent 2: ... email...\nMichael: Bop bop de Bope bop bop bop bop bop. You only have me for a limited time... Yes.\nStudent 3: Do you believe your high fixed cost are warranted given your diminishing market share.\nMichael: How can I put this? That question makes you sound gay.\nKaren: [Karen sees Pam's art show flyer on the cabinet door, she looks around to make sure no one is looking, then proceeds to rip in down, Oscar comes out of the bathroom, Karen acts like she was just looking at it and then walks out of the kitchen]\nDwight: BAT!\nMeredith: [comes out of the bathroom... screams... runs back into the bathroom]\nDwight: What is a leader? I asked Jim that, and he said he had never heard the word before. In America, in 2007. He said he knew the word ladder... What an ignoramous.\nMeredith: [Bat hanging from ceiling cleaning itself] I really want to come out.\nDwight: You want rabies? Be my guest.\nPam: [looking with Kevin at the art show flyer] Should be fun.\nKevin: Your name looks really nice.\nCreed: Goodnight Mary-Beth.\nKelly: Hope she's OK.\nAngela: Just goes to show the power of prayer.\nKelly: You prayed for this?\nAngela: In a general sense.\nKenny: So cool you're back with Roy. Maybe we can rent that cabin on the lake again this summer.\nPam: Yeah, that'd be nice.\nKenny: There'll be two of you and only one of me this time, since Denise left me. So I think it's fair I only pay a third.\nPam: Yeah that seems fair."}
{"text": "Michael: Can you confirm that the straps are tight?\nDwight: Yes. But this [pulls at straight jacket] seems to be...\nMichael: And now, the chains.\nMichael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.\nMichael: MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Can he do it? I don't see how he can.\nDwight: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.\nMichael: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!\nJim: Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?\nMichael: I will get out. Oh yes, I will.\nPam: So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?\nMichael: No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.]\nMichael: AHHHH!\nKevin: Is everything ok, Michael?\nMichael: Yes.\nMichael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...\nMichael: Alright.\nDwight: [trumpet sounds]\nMichael: Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm.\nJim: Another worm? Like, are they friends?\nDwight: It's early bird gets the worm.\nMichael: Pam, would you smell my breath?\nPam: No, no.\nDwight: Let me smell. [Michael breathes at Dwight] Good, not great.\nMichael: Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?' Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special.\nMichael: Jimbo, last chance to carpool.\nJim: Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car.\nMichael: Sure? Might be a good idea.\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip.\nJim: Thanks.\nMichael: Play some games?\nJim: Oh. Um. I think we're good.\nMichael: I spy?\nJim: Yeah.\nJim: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?\nDwight: Thanks for inviting me along.\nMichael: Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [phone rings] Heh-woh you.\nJan: Michael?\nMichael: Hey, Buttercup.\nJan: Hi.\nMichael: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...\nJan: Let's just blow this party off.\nMichael: That's what she said.\nJan: Am I on speaker phone?\nMichael: Uh, yes you are.\nJan: Is anybody else in the...\nDwight: Hello, Jan.\nJan: Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone.\nMichael: No problem. [doesn't turn off speakerphone]\nJan: Ok. Let's just go to a motel...\nMichael: Ok.\nJan: ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.\nMichael: Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I...\nJan: Still on speaker?\nMichael: Ummm... I don't know.\nJan: Are camera's there?\nMichael: Maybe.\nJan: See you soon.\nMichael: Ok.\nDwight: Talk to you later, Jan.\nMichael: Alright. Bye.\nPam: Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come.\nRoy: I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered.\nPam: Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.\nRoy: Ok.\nPam: I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy.\nMichael: Beauty. Thank you sir!\nDwight: Salad.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDwight: You dressed exactly like the servants.\nMichael: Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me.\nDwight: Wait. I don't think yours will fit me.\nMichael: I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that.\nDwight: That would have been really embarrassing.\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Crisis averted.\nMichael: Ok.\nPam: Oh, that duck is so cute.\nKevin: Hey Pam.\nPam: Hey guys.\nKevin: Oscar. Angela.\nMichael: Hi.\nMichael: Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend.\nMichael: Oh, um, potato salad.\nDwight: It's from both of us.\nMichael: No, it's not.\nRachel: Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok.\nMichael: Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here.\nMichael: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.\nPam: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?\nKevin: Yeah.\nKelly: Oh my God, when is it?\nKevin: It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.\nRoy: Hey.\nPam: Hey. You made it.\nRoy: You said it was important, so... How's it going?\nKenny: What's up, Pam.\nPam: Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis.\nRoy: You guys, uh, want a round, on me?\nEveryone: Yeah.\nRoy: Yeah? Get you a drink.\nKenny: Thanks man.\nAngela: No thank you, Roy.\nDwight: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.\nMichael: What are you looking for? You bring dip?\nJan: I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.\nMichael: Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.\nJan: You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company.\nMichael: Over our love.\nJan: I've never told you that I love you.\nMichael: You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all.\nJan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.\nJan: What's this over the 'i'?\nMichael: It's a heart.\nJan: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?\nMichael: I love this woman!\nJan: Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please.\nDwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?\nDan Gore: No.\nDwight: No? Then you are an idiot.\nRachel: Hello Michael.\nMichael: Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So...\nDavid: Jan, glad you could make it.\nJan: Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott?\nDavid: Of course I do.\nJan: From the Scranton Branch.\nMichael: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.\nJan: David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please.\nRachel: Excuse me.\nMichael: Ok.\nPam: [looks at beers] Oh. [Starts to walk away, turns around] No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite.\nBartender: Oh, sorry.\nMan: So did the merger go smoothly, or?\nMichael: It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them.\nKaren: I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management.\nMichael: Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great?\nJan: We're good. [Michael tries to kiss Jan] Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok?\nRachel: Can I get anyone anything, or?\nMichael: I could go for an appeteaser.\nJan: Martini please.\nMichael: Bagel bites or something.\nKaren: Rachel, your house is beautiful.\nRachel: Thank you.\nDwight: What's the square footage?\nDavid: About 5,000.\nDwight: Does that include the garage?\nMichael: Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.\nDwight: I'm just...\nDavid: I don't know\nDwight: It's a common question.\nMichael: David, how much did this house cost?\nDwight: These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around.\nRachel: I'll show you around.\nDwight: Cool, let's start with the banisters.\nKaren: Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall?\nJim: Yep.\nKaren: That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date.\nJim: Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me.\nKaren: And it didn't end well.\nJim: Gotcha. Alright.\nDavid: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch.\nMichael: Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently]\nJan: You ok?\nMichael: Yeah. Do you have any ice?\nDavid: Sure.\nMichael: How about some Splenda?\nRoy: One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here.\nKenny: Where?\nRoy: On this side.\nKevin: No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [points to Meredith and Kelly's hands]\nRyan: I think I heard it on Roy's side.\nKevin: No, it is here.\nRyan: [tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.\nKevin: Good thing you didn't listen to me.\nRyan: Yeah, close one.\nRoy: [points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's] Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. [Stares at Pam] Not here. [Points at Stanley's hand].\nKenny: YES!\nPam: Nice job.\nRoy: I can read you like a book.\nPam: Oh yeah?\nRoy: You can't keep anything from me.\nStudent 1: Hey Creed.\nCreed: Hey! What are you guys doing here?\nStudent 2: You're the man buddy.\nCreed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station.\nDwight: Huh. [Bangs on wall] Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? [Opens door].\nRachel: Uh, that's a guest room.\nDwight: Just the one window?\nRachel: [phone rings] Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me.\nDwight: Are those real pearls?\nRachel: Uh, yes.\nDwight: [tests smoke detector] Good.\nJim: Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care.\nKaren: Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated.\nJim: Oh. Hadn't noticed.\nKaren: Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable.\nJim: No, it was before I knew you so, its fine.\nMichael: This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.\nJan: It's nice.\nMichael: You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.\nJan: I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.\nMichael: Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.\nJim: Oh.\nMichael: Crazy.\nJan: I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.\nMichael: Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it?\nJan: Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael]\nMichael: What are you doing?\nJan: Don't you know what I'm doing?\nMichael: Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.\nJan: Shut up.\nMichael: What has gotten into you?\nJan: Come on.\nMichael: No, no, no.\nJan: What?\nMichael: Come on, let's go back to the party.\nJan: Just let me loosen my dress.\nMichael: Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan.\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: No, no, no, means please don't. Please.\nJan: Slam me up against the wall, right here.\nMichael: I'm not going to slam you up against the wall.\nJan: Oh, please.\nMichael: You're acting inappropriate. Jan.\nJan: Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out.\nToby: Here. [hands Pam a duck stuffed animal]\nPam: Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you.\nToby: I was...\nPam: Hey, don't you have a daughter?\nToby: [takes duck back] Yes.\nDwight: Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?\nChild: I don't know, it was here when I was born.\nDwight: I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?\nChild: I don't know.\nDwight: What do you know?\nDavid: God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes.\nJim: You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.\nKaren: Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me.\nJim: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? [Karen smiles and gives herself away] Wow. Ok. You got me.\nKaren: I so got you.\nJim: So, none of them?\nKaren: Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first.\nJim: Really?\nKaren: Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun.\nJim: Ok.\nKaren: Hey Jan.\nJan: Not too good.\nRachel: Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad?\nMichael: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.\nDavid: What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael?\nJim: I don't know. Where to begin? My ball.\nDwight: The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.\nRoy: What?\nPam: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.\nRoy: That's awesome. That's what I want.\nPam: Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us.\nRoy: I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all.\nPam: Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.\nRoy: What?\nPam: He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.\nRoy: Jim came on to you?\nPam: Just listen.\nRoy: No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening!\nPam: Don't yell!\nRoy: Don't yell?!\nPam: This is over.\nRoy: Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God!\nKenny: Damn jet skis!\nMichael: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle...\nJan: I feel sick.\nMichael: You didn't have any of the potato salad did you?\nJan: No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public.\nMichael: Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.\nJan: Please don't cry.\nMichael: I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.\nJan: It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him.\nMichael: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.\nJan: I didn't mean it. I was...\nMichael: Whatever.\nJan: Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it.\nMichael: That's all, you didn't mean it?\nJan: That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it.\nMichael: I love you, Jan.\nJan: Ok.\nDwight: Don't break up you guys, you're great together.\nRoy: Are they going to call the cops?\nKenny: No, I paid them off.\nRoy: Jet ski money?\nKenny: All of it.\nRoy: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.\nKaren: I think it's great that Jim's invited. It's important to have contact with the New York execs, or they'll think everyone here is like Mi...chael.\nRoy: [Points to Pam's painting of the building] [laughs] You gotta sign that.\nPam: [laughs]\nRoy: No you gotta put your name in the corner. I've seen that artist do that. Its good too, cause like you can know who paints what, you know.\nRyan: Hey, are you going to Poor Richard's?\nToby: I don't know, you?\nRyan: Maybe.\nKelly: I'm going and so are both of you. We're all going.\nRyan: Hey, isn't there some rule against inter-office dating?\nToby: [whispering] I am not doing your dirty work for you.\nKelly: I hear whispering.\nJim: Ok, so promise that you'll wait till we leave the parking lot before you go to the bar.\nPam: Yes boss.\nKaren: See ya Pam.\nKevin: Oscar, Angela? I didn't think you guys would come.\nAngela: Why wouldn't we come?\nKevin: Because of reasons...\nKevin: Are there carbs in vodka?\nWaiter: Hey folks, what can I get you? Oh, hey Meredith.\nMeredith: Hey\nWaiter: Another vodka?\nMeredith: Yeah. Jack, these are my co-workers.\nKevin: Sup?\nWaiter: [pointing to each correct person] Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin, Creed. How'd I do?\nStanley: Hmm, come here much?\nOscar: These wings are all fat and bone.\nAngela: This place is disgusting. [They smile at each other]\nDwight: Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you?\nRachel: I don't know that. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago.\nDwight: How convenient.\nJan: I am attracted to weird, wrong men. I dated a violent karate instructor and then an unemployed fireman. Life has been complicated. I've made some decisions that I'm not proud of; my marriage, being overly litigious with my family. I orgasm fairly easily. Michael was kind of like my dirty secret, you know, having sex with him, oh I was just turned on by my own degradation. Um, why, anyway, I was told by somebody recently that I respect that I'm old enough to have a mature relationship, and that's what this whole evening is about and I have high hopes.\nMelissa: [at the door] Hi Ryan.\nRyan: Hey.\nMelissa: How are you doing? I've, I've missed you.\nRyan: I've missed you too...\nMelissa: Don't you remember me?\nRyan: Um, you ah, you gotta give me a hint. Um, did you meet me at the gym?\nMelissa: No.\nKelly: [still at the table] Who the hell is Ryan talking to?\nRyan: [at the door] Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin.\nMelissa: No.\nStanley: [at the table] Oh, not again. Melissa!\nMelissa: Daddy.\nStanley: Wait for my outside. [To Ryan] She is sixteen years old. What is wrong with you?\nRyan: Okay, okay. Stanley, let me explain to you what happened.\nStanley: No, no, no, no.\nRyan: She came right up to me just like she did when you brought her into work.\nStanley: No, no, no. You planned this whole thing boy. I'll snatch your spine out your back.\nDwight: Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it's not the Discovery. You play soccer?\nMichael: What a weird day. I don't understand it, but you don't get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I'll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they're the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan."}
{"text": "Karen: So do you want to see it or not?\nJim: I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds...\nKaren: Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic.\nJim: Agoraphobic?\nKaren: Yeah.\nJim: Really?\nKaren: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.\nJim: Absolutely correct.\nKevin: Later, Jim.\nJim: Kev, have a good weekend.\nKaren: Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up.\nJim: Here we go...\nKaren: ...and we're gonna go to dinner.\nJim: Ok...\nKaren: And then we're gonna go to the movies.\nJim: Sounds good.\nRoy: Hey Halpert!\nJim: Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim]\nPam: ROY!\nKaren: [shrieks]\nPam: Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy]\nRoy: [screams in pain] Ahh God!\nDwight: Pam, please call security!\nDwight: Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray]\nMichael: No need for consternation, everything is under control.\nJan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!\nMichael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.\nJan: [sigh] Is Toby there?\nMichael: No...\nToby: I'm... here, Jan.\nJan: Ok, what... what is the situation Toby?\nToby: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.\nJan: Thank God.\nToby: Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his...\nMichael: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.\nJan: All right, well are you gonna take care of this?\nMichael: Yeppers.\nJan: What did I tell you about 'yeppers?'\nMichael: I don't... remember.\nJan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?\nMichael: Yeesh...\nPam: I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It\nJim: I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.\nJim: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you.\nDwight: Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.\nJim: Okay. Um... Got you something.\nDwight: Don't want it.\nJim: You don't know what it is.\nDwight: Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.\nJim: It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.\nDwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.\nOscar: Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up.\nKevin: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.\nOscar: It was crazy.\nAngela: You saw it? Describe it please.\nOscar: Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.\nAngela: Oh...\nOscar: It was insane!\nAngela: [flustered] Well... good for Dwight.\nMichael: Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.\nJim: Where'd you get that?\nMichael: Wikipedia.\nMichael: Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.\nMichael: Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.\nJim: Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise.\nMichael: Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish]\nJim: I can't hear you.\nMichael: What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]\nJim: Still nothin'.\nMichael: Ok, see what I did?\nJim: No.\nMichael: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.\nJim: Nice.\nMichael: Ok, let's try another one. Um...\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Walking out of the room unexpectedly.\nJim: And what happens in this one?\nMichael: It's a surprise.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Go ahead, ask me for a raise.\nJim: Can I have a raise?\nMichael: [gets up and begins to walk out of the room]\nJim: [softly] Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher.\nMichael: What?\nJim: What?\nMichael: No, what did you say?\nJim: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.\nMichael: Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...\nDwight: I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.\nToby: Which is where?\nDwight: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.\nToby: Thanks Dwight.\nKelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.\nRyan: I can't imagine what I would have done.\nKelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.\nRyan: Well that was funny, that's why.\nKelly: Oh it was?\nRyan: Mm-hmm.\nKelly: Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night...\nRyan: Okay.\nKelly: ...and you call me, to calm you down...\nRyan: You know what? I didn't-\nToby: Can you stop...\nKelly: ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.\nToby: There's a bunch of people back here, maybe...\nRyan: Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night...\nToby: Guys...\nKelly: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!\nToby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius.\nMichael: [knock on door] Yeah.\nDarryl: You ready for me?\nMichael: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.\nDarryl: Cool.\nMichael: You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room.\nDarryl: Okay.\nMichael: No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room.\nMichael: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off.\nMichael: Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.\nMichael: [long pause] I am declining to speak first.\nDarryl: Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now.\nMichael: Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now.\nDarryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes?\nMichael: What?\nDarryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants.\nMichael: No, this is a power suit.\nDarryl: That there's a woman's suit.\nMichael: [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again.\nDarryl: I'ma call Roy, man.\nMichael: Ohh... kay.\nDarryl: This is gonna make him feel better.\nMichael: All right.\nDarryl: This is too good.\nMichael: Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?\nPam: Oh my God, that's a woman's suit!\nKevin: You're wearing a woman's suit?\nMichael: No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin.\nMichael: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.\nKevin: Who makes it?\nMichael: Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery.\nPhyllis: Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?\nMichael: Okay.\nPhyllis: Did you see...\nMichael: Would you stop it, please?\nJim: So, none of that tipped you off?\nMichael: It's European, OK? It's a European cut.\nPam: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.\nMichael: No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam]\nPam: [Laughing, covering her mouth]\nMichael: Italians don't wear pockets.\nPam: It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little.\nKaren: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?\nMichael: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.\nDarryl: Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.\nMichael: Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes.\nDarryl: Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails.\nMichael: Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes.\nKevin: Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?\nKaren: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.\nStanley: You must have been scared out of your mind.\nKaren: Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared.\nAngela: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story.\nKaren: Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry.\nAngela: Mm-hmm.\nKaren: And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.\nAngela: [flustered] Goodness.\nKaren: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.\nMichael: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.\nDarryl: Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise.\nMichael: [mumbles jibberish]\nDarryl: What? I can't hear you.\nMichael: [mumbling softly] That was a very good point.\nDarryl: I can't- what, Mike? Are you-\nMichael: [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument.\nPam: Sorry I almost got you killed.\nJim: Yeah, that was nuts.\nPam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?\nJim: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.\nPam: Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now.\nJim: We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday.\nPam: Jim... I am really... sorry.\nJim: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.\nMichael: I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.\nDarryl: Why can't I just... tell you?\nMichael: Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide- slide it, yes.\nDarryl: There you go.\nMichael: Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious.\nDarryl: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want.\nMichael: I... I can't give you that, I- I don't make this much.\nDarryl: Come on, be for real Mike.\nMichael: I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub.\nDarryl: [laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this?\nMichael: Plus perks, yes.\nDarryl: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs]\nMichael: Fourteen years.\nDarryl: Ho-ho!\nMichael: No, please, please...\nDarryl: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs]\nMichael: Ok, let's take 15, again.\nMichael: A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that.\nJim: Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something.\nDwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?\nJim: Boy I-\nDwight: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle?\nJim: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating.\nKaren: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.\nJim: Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do?\nKaren: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.\nKevin: Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.\nMichael: Oh, thank you.\nKevin: Yeah. I heard you might need it. So...\nCreed: Here's the $40 you gave me.\nMichael: I didn't give you $40.\nCreed: In a way you did.\nStanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid.\nDarryl: [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up]\nMichael: Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.\nDarryl: What?\nMichael: I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.\nDarryl: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss.\nMichael: Well what am I supposed to do?\nDarryl: Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.\nMichael: I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.\nDarryl: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put\nMichael: [exhales] That's true.\nDarryl: Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.\nMichael: You know what? I should.\nDarryl: Yeah, you should.\nMichael: I have been a loyal employee for a long time.\nDarryl: Fourteen years long.\nMichael: You know what? I deserve a bump.\nDarryl: Make it happen, cap'in.\nMichael: I am makin' it happen, sergeant.\nCreed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter-\nAngela: You're useless.\nJan: Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?\nMichael: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today.\nJan: Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?\nMichael: Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away.\nJan: Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.\nMichael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.\nJan: Da- Darryl from the warehouse?\nMichael: Mm-hm.\nJan: No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby.\nMichael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.\nJan: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep...\nMichael: [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.\nJan: ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it.\nMichael: [sighs] Fine.\nKelly: You are so mean.\nRyan: I don't know what you're talking about.\nKelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.\nRyan: No, I said your idea was stupid.\nMichael: Toby, come on. Let's go.\nToby: Where?\nMichael: Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.\nKelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?\nToby: Alright.\nKelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.\nRyan: Don't you see why that's insane?\nKelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now?\nDarryl: Comfortable, Mike?\nMichael: Yeah. Fine.\nDarryl: How about you, man. Comfortable?\nToby: No.\nMichael: [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker.\nDarryl: Thank you.\nMichael: Well...\nDarryl: I haven't been to New York in a long time.\nMichael: Mm, the Big Apple.\nDarryl: Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.\nToby: How would we get home?\nDarryl: Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place.\nMichael: Maybe I'll stay.\nDarryl: Mm, it's not that big.\nMichael: Well...\nDarryl: Busses, though. They get you home quick.\nMichael: [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I...\nKelly: And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like 'No!'\nAngela: Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings]\nKelly: You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams...\nHunter: Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.\nDarryl: Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.\nMichael: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.\nDarryl: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me\nMichael: All right.\nDarryl: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself.\nRoy: [to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions 'Don't worry about it'] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something?\nPam: I don't know.\nRoy: Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly]\nKevin: [as Roy is walking out] Jim- Roy- Look out!\nJim: Thanks, Kev. I'm good though.\nJan: Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay.\nMichael: Who's the boy toy?\nJan: That's my new assistant.\nMichael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?\nJan: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?\nMichael: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.\nToby: Hi, Jan.\nJan: Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?\nMichael: Pippity poppity.\nJan: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.\nMichael: Six percent? After all we've been through?\nJan: Oh, God.\nMichael: I got you... jade earrings.\nJan: Michael-\nMichael: No!\nJan: Michael-\nMichael: No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball?\nToby: Just preparing for the deposition.\nToby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.\nRoy: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong.\nPam: I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices.\nRoy: So you gonna start datin' Halpert then?\nPam: Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend.\nRoy: Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy.\nPam: No, there were a lot of reasons.\nRoy: But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam.\nPam: I know.\nDwight: What's this?\nJim: What's what?\nDwight: Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. 'Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute'\nJim: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor.\nDwight: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.\nJim: [under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice...\nMichael: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!\nJan: Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.\nMichael: Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.\nJan: Ok, Toby, how about if you...\nToby: Sure.\nJan: Great.\nJan: What's wrong with you?\nMichael: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I-\nJan: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.\nMichael: Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make-\nJan: No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?\nMichael: Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise.\nJan: No. But we can offer you 12.\nMichael: But you just said 15.\nMichael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan-\nJan: Michael!\nStanley: So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?\nPhyllis: Mm-hmm, near the river.\nStanley: Mm, how many bedrooms?\nPhyllis: Four.\nAngela: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading.\nDwight: Really?\nAngela: Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery.\nDwight: Mm, good stuff.\nAngela: Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together.\nDwight: Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees]\nJim: [scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even.\nAndy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you...\nAndy: Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD!\nDwight: No need to thank me.\nDwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from\nMichael: Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot."}
{"text": "Andy: Good morning, Pam.\nPam: Oh, welcome back, Andy.\nAndy: Drew. I'm Drew now.\nPam: Oh. Drew. Sorry.\nAndy: Apology not... accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place. [laughs]\nAndy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. [cut to shot of Andy punching a hole in the wall] But after five weeks in Anger Management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.\nAndy: Mornin' Jim.\nJim: Hey, Andy. How are you, man?\nAndy: Good. Drew.\nJim: What's that?\nAndy: Dr- You can call me Drew.\nJim: No, I'm not gonna call you that.\nAndy: Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what\nJim: Andy.\nAndy: Drew. [walks to Dwight] Dwight. How's it goin' man?\nDwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.\nDwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.\nJim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.\nDwight: Ok, tell him that's not true.\nJim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.\nAndy: You guys...\nDwight: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!\nJim: [half-heartedly] Andy! Nah, that's too far.\nDwight: Damn you.\nMichael: Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.\nDarryl: Now, this is the forklift. You need- [Michael rattles it] You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers\nMichael: Hmm.\nDarryl: Should you drive the forklift?\nMichael: I can, and I have.\nDarryl: No! No no no no no! I said\nLonny: You're not allowed to drive the forklift.\nDarryl: It's not safe, you don't have a license.\nMichael: Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. [points] Pudge has driven the forklift.\nMadge: Madge.\nMichael: I thought your name was Pudge?\nMadge: No, it's always been Madge.\nMichael: Okay. Um, her.\nDarryl: Her. Yes, 'her' is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?\nMichael: Ah, fine.\nDarryl: Do you understand that?\nMichael: Yeeesh.\nDarryl: We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...\nMichael: [barely keeping his composure] 'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!' [laughs]\nDarryl: And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers.\nDarryl: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.\nDwight: Yeah!\nAndy: It's on!\nDarryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?\nMichael: Bail'er? I hardly know her.\nLonny: Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man.\nDarryl: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?\nKevin: Five bucks says it's over 50.\nJim: You really wanna bet?\nDarryl: Anybody?\nKevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.\nGuy: How many?\nJim: Ok, you're on.\nDarryl: Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?\nKevin: [mouths] Damn...\nDarryl: [in background] You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful...\nJim: No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'.\nKevin: On what?\nJim: I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out.\nKevin: Nice.\nOscar: What are you guys talkin' about?\nDarryl: These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers,\nMichael: Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...\nDarry: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.\nLonny: What the\nMichael: It's a big red trash compactor!\nLonny: What are you-\nDarryl: It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler!\nLonny: Don't disrespect the baler!\nMichael: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions...\nDarryl: No do not touch it!\nMichael: ...would I go near-\nDarryl: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?\nMichael: Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!\nToby: Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.\nMichael: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...\nToby: Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour.\nMichael: Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?\nDarryl: Take them at the same time.\nMichael: Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?\nToby: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.\nRyan: What about a long sleeve T?\nToby: Well, that'll work.\nKevin: Long johns? A shaw?\nToby: You know, anything that warms you.\nMichael: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to warehouse guys] Sorry, he is very lame. [takes book from Toby] Um, let's see. 'Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.'\nDarryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.\nLonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?\nMichael: Ok guys, you know what? I didn't- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.\nDarryl: Actually, you did.\nMichael: Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. 'A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute-'\nToby: Sedentary.\nMichael: Yes. 'Which can contribute to heart disease.' Heart disease kills more people that balers.\nLonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.\nMichael: Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...\nLonny: Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from?\nMichael: No.\nLonny: Fat butt disease, Michael?\nKelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.\nLonny: Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?\nKelly: Ryan?\nLonny: Dude, tell your girl to shut up.\nKelly: What?!\nRyan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.\nKelly: Are you kidding me?\nDarryl: Alright, we outta here.\nMichael: Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I-\nLonny: Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.\nDarryl: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.\nMichael: Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?\nMichael: Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... 'Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.' ... This is one example.\nKevin: [Pam is holding a jar of jellybeans] Ten.\nOscar: Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant.\nJim: There's like ten green ones.\nOscar: Forty-two.\nJim: I'm gonna say fifty.\nKaren: Fifty-one.\nJim: Oh, don't be that person.\nKevin: That is lame.\nKaren: It's a strategy!\nPam: It's called being smart.\nKaren: Thank you.\nKevin: Oh, geeze.\nPam: I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun.\nPam: Ten...\nJim: Kev's out.\nKevin: Damn it.\nPam: 47, 48, 49! Jim wins!\nEveryone: Oooh! [Jim claps]\nKevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you.\nJim: Okay, okay.\nKevin: No, constantly. Like, for\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?\nPam: I don't understand the question.\nMichael: Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.\nPam: Yeah...\nMichael: I- I- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...\nPam: It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.\nMichael: Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.\nPam: So, you're okay?\nMichael: Indubitably.\nMichael: They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.\nDwight: Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!?\nMichael: I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression-\nDwight: Wolves.\nMichael: Nn- Depression.\nDwight: Visual aids.\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: A quilt. Depression quilt?\nMicheal: No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.\nMichael: You may be asking yourself, 'What am I doing on a trampoline?' Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, 'Hey! You ever seen a suicide?' And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think 'Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.' But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da! [Dwight nods]\nKelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, [Ryan checks his watch]number three becomes number two, etc, etc. And let's just say that I just sent back\nRyan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money]\nKelly: You're such a ditz.\nKevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said 'awesome' 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.\nDwight: [on the roof] Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops!\nMichael: Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or...\nDwight: We measured it once...\nMichael: Go buy some watermelons.\nDwight: Seedless?\nMichael: Just...\nToby: [Creed takes a bite of an apple] Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.\nPam: Hey Creed.\nCreed: Hey!\nPam: Hey.\nCreed: Hello. [Jim replaces Creed's apple with a potato][Creed takes a bite of the potato]\nPam: Yes!\nKevin: Here you go. [hands money]\nToby: Nice.\nKaren: I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out.\nDwight: Ready?\nMichael: Let's do it! Drop that sucker.\nDwight: [drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds]\nMichael: BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.\nDwight: Okay.\nMichael: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.\nDwight: Got it.\nMichael: Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.\nDwight: We're not allowed to use the baler.\nMichael: Have Pa-adge do it, or... the sea monster.\nDwight: I'm on it!\nDwight: I'm temporarily lifting the shun.\nAndy: Thank you.\nDwight: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.\nAndy: Anything.\nDwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle.\nAndy: You mean a moon bounce.\nDwight: What do you think? You've got an hour.\nAndy: I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash.\nDwight: Shunning resumed.\nAndy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?\nDwight: Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.\nDwight: Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision.\nMichael: Yes, thank you for seeing that.\nDwight: When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.\nMichael: I don't know if I wanna do this.\nDwight: Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!\nMichael: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.\nDwight: That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll!\nMichael: Rock n' roll!\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: That's right! I am not thinking.\nDwight: [imitating the sound and playing an air guitar] Near near near near near!\nMichael: Yes! Yeah!\nDwight: [singing] Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof!\nMichael: Woo!\nDwight: [singing] Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss!\nMichael: Woo!\nDwight: [singing] Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!\nMichael: I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! [Dwight continues air guitar]\nDwight: [out of breath] Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange!\nAndy: Whoa! What's the situation?\nDwight: [hesitates] Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.\nAndy: Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end?\nDwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!\nStanley: Is it nice outside?\nDwight: It's gorgeous. Let's go!\nStanley: Do I need my jacket?\nDwight: No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on!\nRyan: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?\nDwight: Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!\nDwight: [outside] Come on, hurry up you guys!\nMichael: [on the roof] My life! Oh, my life...\nDwight: [on megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?!\nMichael: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.\nDwight: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?\nMichael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!\nDwight: Is that the last year the data was available?\nMichael: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!\nDwight: Don't do anything rash!\nMichael: Wait, where are the warehouse guys?\nDwight: I didn't... [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn't think you needed them for this part.\nMichael: Okay... that's...\nDwight: you said to just...\nMichael: That's the whole point, dummy.\nDwight: Okay, I'm on it!\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: Attention blue collar workers!\nPam: What are the odds that this is in any way real?\nJim: I'd say like... 10,000 to 1?\nKevin: Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds.\nKevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a\nDwight: Michael's up on the roof and he's acting strange!\nMichael: Oooooh, my life!\nDwight: Michael! What's wrong?\nMichael: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.\nDwight: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?\nMichael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.\nJim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee.\nMichael: And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!\nJim: Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part.\nAngela: This is just offensive.\nRyan: At least we're outside.\nCreed: [zipping up his pants] Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a castle over there.\nJim: Oh my God, there\nDwight: No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the castle, Michael.\nMichael: Damn it.\nPam: Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump.\nJim: Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself.\nPam: Yeah...\nJim: Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.\nPam: Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it.\nMichael: What is it?\nPam: Come down and... open it and you'll see.\nMichael: Dwight, find out what the present is.\nDwight: Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing.\nJim: Dwight...\nPam: Dwight, what are you-\nDwight: Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan.\nMichael: Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?\nDarryl: Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself.\nMichael: You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.\nDarryl: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.\nMichael: What do I have to live for?\nDarryl: A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right?\nMichael: It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.\nDarryl: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to\nMichael: Do you really mean that?\nDarryl: I couldn't do it. I- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.\nMichael: I'm braver than you?\nDarryl: Way\nMichael: I Braveheart. I am.\nDarryl: Come down, okay?\nMichael: Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.\nMichael: An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.\nAndy: When people think of Andy, they think of hate and anger. When people think of Drew, they think of baked goods.\nKelly: Oh my God, these cookies have no flavor. How is that possible?\nKevin: They are the worst. Who's this Drew chick?\nPhyllis: Drew isn't a girl... She's Andy.\nAndy: Oh no, nobody likes my cookies. I'm so angry, argh I want to hit something. [laughs] Totally kidin' guys.\nAndy: Little device I learned to diffuse tension, be the first to make fun of yourself, because if they make fun of you before you do... Then you might lose your mind.\nKevin: [pours the last of the coffee into his mug]\nAndy: Ahhh... Is that the last of it?\nKevin: I'm sorry.\nAndy: It's OK. I can't always have what I want, but I can always want what I have.\nKevin: Well, would you like a cup of no coffee? 'Cause that's what we have.\nAndy: Is it fresh? [winks]\nKevin: Are you going to beat me up?\nAndy: Umm... [draws back arm] No. [laughs]\nAndy: People don't need to be afraid of me. I can't achieve anger any more, and I have a new car. Toyota Prius, because Andy didn't care about fuel efficiency, but Drew has seen 'An Inconvenient Truth'. Nearly twice.\nAngela: [walks around Andy's new car keying it]\nMichael: OK, come on everybody, go time. Pam let's go.\nPam: I thought I'd stay and answer the phones.\nMichael: Don't worry Pam, you will be answering phones for the rest of your life... Your long lovely life. [whispers to camera] saved it.\nMichael: Here we go.\nDwight: Come on.\nMichael: Field Trip.\nDwight: Step lively. Single file everybody.\nMichael: Like we're going to the science museum.\nDwight: Let's single...\nMichael: Learn by touching.\nDwight: Single... OK.\nMichael: I've been told that I'm a tactile learner.\nDwight: Buddy system, everyone buddy up, find a buddy.\nKelly: You should work out Ryan, you would look so hot.\nRyan: Totally, we should both work out.\nKelly: Screw you.\nMichael: Kelly, Ryan looks great. You should be thankful that you...\nLarry: Sir, could you please, please focus on Darryl?\nMichael: I...\nLarry: Try.\nDarryl: Summing up.\nMichael: Sum it up Darryl, sum it up.\nMichael: We got beat today, Dwight.\nDwight: [sighs]\nMichael: But it was not a fair fight.\nDwight: No it was not. Remind me again, what was the fight exactly, who was it between, and what was the outcome?\nMichael: It was the warehouse guys...\nDwight: Right.\nMichael: ... Dwight, they embarrassed us...\nDwight: Argh!\nMichael: ... because they had a much scarier safety presentation.\nDwight: Ghaaa!\nMichael: You know what's funny? Robin Williams. [sighs] When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what's not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. [in Borat voice] Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five... Now that's funny.\nMichael: How do you make depression sexy? How do you... How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon... the conun... the conumbery\nMichael: Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I'm going to show them that we have nerfs of steel. [winks]\nAndy: [Michael, Andy, and Dwight are standing around a trampoline] You know guys, I recently learned some pretty cool stuff about the difference between feeling something and... acting on that thing.\nDwight: Can you tell Andy to focus on the springs? Please.\nMichael: Yeah, Drew.\nAndy: Yes bosses.\nMichael: You know Drew, why don't you go inside. Dwight come here. Where should we put this?\nDwight: OK, ahh, turn around, and do a broad jump for me on go. Ready... Go! One Mississ... OK, you went that far on one Mississ. Ippi would take you to here. This trajectory times the propulsion from your quadriceps would be about three Mississippi, maybe three and a quarter. So one Mississ... correct... ippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... e. Right here.\nMichael: OK, good. Thank you. Wanna take our time, do this right.\nPhyllis: [phone rings] Hello? Hi Bob Vance. [laughs]\nKaren: That's three times in ten minutes.\nStanley: Where's my five dollars?\nPhyllis: You are my little teddy bear. I wantcha.\nStanley: I always knew my co-workers were annoying. I never realized I could profit from it. Go ahead Bob Vance, call Phyllis, all day.\nAndy: [Michael is up on the roof of the building] Michael, go ahead, we're listening.\nMichael: I'm going to wait. I don't want to say this twice, it's too painful and I'm too depressed.\nCreed: [talking through bullhorn] Michael, you can not fly, you can not, I've seen this too many times.\nKelly: Give me that thing, I want to try.\nJim: Oh, you know what we should probably preserve the batteries.\nKelly: I was just going to say that [yells toward Michael] you have a cute butt. Oh my God I did not just say that, did I just say that? Oh my God I'm so adorable.\nAngela: I know the timings bad, but I hate to be a nudge, but there's stuff that he has to sign that needs to be mailed by four.\nDwight: OK, if he's not down by four, I'll get the papers up to him.\nAngela: OK, it's three forty eight.\nJim: OK, Ryan you know what? You can do this.\nRyan: Oh, no, I have no training in this sort of thing.\nJim: Come on.\nStanley: Don't play dumb, you know damn well what we talking about.\nJim: Come on. He'll listen to you.\nEveryone: Come on Ryan.\nAngela: Let's do it.\nDwight: Come on pretty boy.\nRyan: Michael, you have always taken a great interest in my career.\nMichael: I will miss you the most Ryan.\nRyan: Oh, what is your deal man!? Seriously I don't get it.\nAndy: Let me borrow that chief. Michael, you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. So don't jump just to prove anything to us. OK? That said, if you need to prove something to yourself, you should jump.\nJim: Oh!\nAndy: Up to you.\nJim: No no no!\nAndy: If you do jump, I want you to reach for the sky.\nPam: Hey!\nJim: OK. careful, thanks. [takes bullhorn from Andy]\nAndy: Grab a comet and kiss the moon! Kiss it!\nKevin: See this is why you always take ten thousand to one. You never know.\nDarryl: You own a convertible. Come on man that's, that's hot. Women love that stuff right?\nDwight: It's only leased, and it's got rust damage, he'll never get his deposit back.\nMichael: Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog the bounty hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. [takes deep breath] Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today... And you don't worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat... And there are no roofs in coal mines.\nAndy: [in parking lot] Goodnight Stanley. [sees his car is keyed, just nods his head]"}
{"text": "Jim: [Dressed as Dwight] It's kind of blurry. [puts on his glasses] That's better. [exhales] Question. What kind of bear is best?\nDwight: That's a ridiculous question.\nJim: False. Black bear.\nDwight: Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought-\nJim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.\nDwight: Bears do not- What is going on- What are you doing?!\nJim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven dollars.\nDwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!\nJim: ... MICHAEL!\nDwight: Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!\nPam: [on phone] Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?\nJim: [on phone] Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this.\nPhyllis: [on phone] I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this.\nStanley: [on phone] I am upset. Don't I sound upset?\nMichael: [on phone] It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper.\nMichael: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.\nMichael: Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.\nDwight: Cri-Man-Squa?\nMichael: Crisis Management Squad.\nRyan: F and C, doubletime?\nMichael: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?\nJim: One more. Why are you talking like that?\nMichael: To save time, Jim.\nKaren: Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.\nPam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.\nMichael: You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?\nCreed: Here.\nMichael: Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.\nCreed: Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.\nMichael: We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.\nOscar: That's really not our job.\nMichael: Midnight, Oscar!\nAngela: Kelly's training us?\nKelly: This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This\nAngela: [getting a pill from the bottle] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.\nMichael: Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.\nJim: Yeah, I gotta call out on that.\nMichael: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.\nJim: All right.\nMichael: I want you to bring a partner.\nRyan: I'll go.\nMichael: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go.\nAndy: [English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.\nJim: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.\nMichael: No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.\nDwight: Yes! You are entering the 'No Spin Zone!'\nPam: We're having a press conference?\nMichael: No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.\nDwight: Not! [scoffs]\nMichael: Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.\nMichael: I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.\nJim: Oh, did the press ask for a story?\nMichael: Here\nCreed: Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.\nCreed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.\nKelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. [Kelly and Kevin clap]\nOscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.\nKelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.\nAngela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?\nKelly: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say 'Customer Service, this is Kelly!' Except don't say 'Kelly,' say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation!\nKevin: Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate?\nKelly: [in accent] Absolutely!\nKevin: [in accent] 'ello, mate!\nKelly: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.\nKevin: [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.\nAndy: Beer me!\nJim: What's that?\nAndy: Hand me that water. I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name?\nJim: You know her name.\nAndy: Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. [takes swig of water] Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'?\nJim: It's fine.\nAndy: Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.\nJim: What about music? Do you have any music?\nAndy: Uh, yeah. Should have said so. [sings] Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa-\nJim: I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD.\nAndy: Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.\nJim: Lord, beer me strength.\nAndy: So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?\nJim: Did that\nAndy: Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation.\nAndy: Whoa! What the- Why is my girlfriend here?\nJim: Oh, is she that teacher in the white?\nAndy: No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.\nJim: Which one... is she?\nAndy: The one in the green hoodie.\nJim: Wow.\nAndy: I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something?\nJim: No, I don't think so.\nAndy: She's like, probably a tutor.\nJim: Nope.\nAndy: She probably a t-\nJim: No.\nAndy: Sh-\nJim: No.\nMichael: OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.\nDwight: On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.\nDwight: First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow, I need this beet right now.' Those are the money beets.\nDwight: [Chad Lite walks in the door] [to Office workers] Hey! [snaps twice] Look sharp! [to Chad Lite] Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.\nChad Lite: Hi, uh-\nDwight: And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.\nChad Lite: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, 'Lighter Side of Life.'\nDwight: And 'Breaking Corporate News.'\nChad Lite: And obits.\nDwight: Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance.\nChad Lite: Oh...\nDwight: Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?\nChad Lite: Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh-\nDwight: [shuts door on him] Great.\nJim: Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a\nAndy: Jamie!\nJim: Andy- Ohh...\nAndy: What are you doing here?\nJamie: Andy?\nAndy: Are you a student here?\nJamie: Oh... yeah...\nAndy: You never told me you were in high-school!\nJamie: This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish.\nAndy: OH MY GOD!\nJim: Oh my God.\nAndy: I had no idea.\nJim: Well... that's not gonna hold up in court.\nAndy: Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.\nKevin: [on phone] Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am\nOscar: [on phone] Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale.\nAngela: [on phone] Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. [hangs up]\nKelly: OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing\nCreed: When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.\nDwight: Emergency dentist appointment.\nCreed: Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.\nPam: Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye.\nBarbara: Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott.\nMichael: Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.\nMichael: And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.\nDwight: [snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this.\nMichael: So, let us consider this matter ended.\nBarbara: Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I- I could have lost business.\nMichael: I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.\nBarbara: I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.\nMichael: Well, we are extremely sorry.\nBarbara: I don't accept.\nSchool Official: I'll be with you in a moment.\nJim: All right.\nAndy: Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.\nJim: Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony.\nAndy: But who\nJim: Probably\nSchool Official: The issue with the watermark is very serious.\nJim: Absolutely.\nSchool Official: We teach our students that character counts.\nJim: And you should.\nSchool Official: But-\nAndy: [scoffs] Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a\nJim: Andy... is having a\nAndy: I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words-\nJim: Good luck.'\nAndy: That's not what I had in mind.\nKelly: Ask where he's from.\nAngela: [on phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? [to Kelly] He's upset about the watermark.\nKelly: OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry.\nAngela: [on phone] It was an unfortunate error.\nKelly: And you're sorry.\nAngela: ...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Kelly] I think he had Tourette's or something!\nMichael: We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.\nBarbara: Well, it- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me.\nMichael: The watermark... it's a one time thing.\nBarbara: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?\nDwight: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.\nMichael: OK...\nDwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.\nMichael: What... can I do, for you?\nBarbara: I, for starters, I think that you should resign.\nMichael: Well... [exhales] OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill-\nBarbara: You're the head-\nMichael: The guys at the papermill- No no no!\nBarbara: You're the head of the company!\nMichael: I'm\nBarbara: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility-\nMichael: No, I'm a regional manager-\nBarbara: And so you should lose your job!\nMichael: No- my- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!\nBarbara: Fine.\nMichael: That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.\nBarbara: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: It's non-transferable...\nMichael: Doesn't matter. Out please!\nBarbara: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.\nMichael: Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that?\nChad Lite: Everything.\nMichael: We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not...\nPam: It's just the Scranton Times...\nMichael: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...\nPam: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.\nMichael: You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for?\nPam: Yes.\nPam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch.\nMichael: [Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair] OK, I think that's good.\nMichael: Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.'\nDwight: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.\nMichael: That's how devoted I am to this job.\nDwight: I'm just saying...\nMichael: I know.\nDwight: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.\nMichael: I understand that, Dwight.\nDwight: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.\nMichael: Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?\nDwight: Cut.\nMichael: So I'll know where-\nPam: Cut.\nMichael: I'm asking Pam to do it, please.\nPam: Cut.\nMichael: OK, ready?\nAngela: Kevin, what's four plus seven?\nKevin: [thinks] Eleven.\nAngela: Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form.\nKevin: Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial.\nOscar: [laughs] Yes. [air high five]\nAngela: You two are apes.\nOscar: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.\nAngela: I'm sorry... that you're both morons.\nKevin: Oh, but you still said 'I'm sorry.'\nAngela: I called you morons.\nKevin: Still said it.\nOscar: Still said it, so... [Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five]\nMichael: Five, four, three. 'There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.'\nPam: One day for what?\nMichael: That's... they always give an ultimatum.\nPam: OK.\nMichael: Good, cut?\nPam: Cut. That was your best apology video ever.\nMichael: Thought so too.\nCreed: [to Dwight] Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children.\nCreed: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic.\nJim: You want music?\nAndy: I don't care.\nJim: Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right.\nAndy: Yeah.\nJim: [singing the intro to The Lion King's 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...\nAndy: You know what- I don't-\nJim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...\nAndy: [Joins in with classic Andy falsetto] Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!\nJim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...\nAndy: Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!\nJim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...\nAndy: Sweet.\nDwight: [walks in dressed as Jim] Pam.\nPam: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.\nDwight: [scoffs] Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.\nKaren: Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp.\nDwight: Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?\nJim: Do you?\nKaren: No.\nJim: OK.\nKaren: I'm good. Thanks.\nJim: [Dwight imitates the 'Jim face'] Look at that.\nDwight: I'm Jim Halpert. [more horrible 'Jim faces']\nJim: Spot on.\nDwight: Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.\nKelly: Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day.\nRyan: Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day.\nMichael: The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don't act fast, you will lose customers.\nDwight: Hello, CNN? I need to speak to your Scranton-area bureau chief? All right, then the bureau chief for the Greater Wilkes-Barre area? How about, ah, Lackawanna County. Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania then. This is extremely urgent! No... you put\nKelly: Customer service isn't like accounting. It's not just typing numbers into a calculator and then it tells you an answer.\nOscar: We do a lot more than that.\nKelly: Okay, or hand out checks, or whatever it is you do. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you think that people don't like you. But guess what, from now on you guys are not losers! So give yourselves a round of applause.\nOscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer phone calls.\nKelly: The annex rocks. All you need to do is make sure that you make a connection with the customer. They just wanna know that you're sorry. Do that and you'll be fine. Make sense?\nAngela: Mm-hm.\nKelly: Okay, role-playing time!\nAngela: Alright, I think I'm trained.\nKevin: Ooh, can I be a pirate?\nCreed: [hums]\nChad Lite: Hello.\nCreed: Hey!\nChad Lite: Excuse me. You're Creed Bratton, guitar player for Grass Roots in the late 1960s.\nCreed: I am indeed. How'd you know that?\nChad Lite: I wrote your obituary.\nCreed: Oh, oh that's right! Good work. Thank you very much, sir [shakes hand].\nCreed: About 10 years ago, for tax reasons, I faked my own death. I've been collecting benefits as my own widow ever since.\nAndy: Oh, my God!\nJim: Oh, my God! Wow.\nAndy: I had no idea.\nJim: Then you did nothing wrong. We should go.\nAndy: How could I not have realized?\nJim: She looks older.\nAndy: Yeah, she does, doesn't she?\nJim: No.\nAndy: She acts older, too. She knows everything about European history, and photosynthesis, and she made me this lanyard with, like, a Fimo clay thing. She's a real Renaissance woman.\nJim: Or a high school girl. Let's go [mouths 'wow' to the camera].\nAndy: Chicken pot pie.\nJim: What's that?\nAndy: That's what I was eating, in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for dinner. And I got out of the car to shake the crumbs off my shirt, and this smoking hot woman comes up and we strike up a conversation.\nJim: Oh. You don't have to tell me this.\nAndy: She lets me buy her and her friends some wine coolers for a dinner party she's going to.\nJim: You shouldn't be talking about that.\nAndy: I threw in some scratch tickets, 'cause generous guy, and next thing you know we're making out in the woods.\nJim: Hypothetically. Hypothetically you were making out in the woods.\nAndy: No, we were really making out in the woods.\nJim: No, can't help you now.\nAndy: I gotta go talk to her.\nJim: No. D-\nMichael: With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you're sorry. They're like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective.\nMichael: So we're good?\nBarbara Allen: No, we're not.\nMichael: I'm sorry.\nBarbara Allen: Well, okay. But I don't accept.\nDwight: [whispering] Say you're sorry times infinity...\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: ...'cause there's no comeback for that.\nMichael: All right. We are infinitely sorry.\nBarbara Allen: I'm still furious.\nMichael: You understand? You... you get this check.\nBarbara Allen: Mmm.\nSpanish Teacher: Can I help you?\nAndy: Yeah. I'm Mr. Bernard Johnson, MD. I'd like to talk with Jamie about a certain heart condition. Diagnosis: broken.\nJamie: Get out of here, Andy.\nAndy: Who's this guy?\nJamie: My boyfriend.\nAndy: You're such a liar.\nSpanish Teacher: Sir? You need to get out of here, before I call the police, okay?\nAndy: Yeah, maybe you should call the police. See whose side they take. Warning, most cops are dudes.\nJim: Dr. Johnson, we need you in surgery right away.\nSpanish Teacher: What?\nDwight: I don't believe in apologies. When someone in the yakuza makes a mistake, they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger. And in that way, save face. And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger. With a knife you can take out of it, or a screwdriver or a corkscrew.\nAngela: Why am I getting all of the bad ones?\nKelly: Why can't you just say you're sorry and make them feel better?\nAngela: I'm not gonna lie and say I'm sorry when the company didn't do anything wrong. That's immoral, and this is ridiculous.\nOscar: Would you, please? Please.\nKelly: Well, you have to do what I say, okay? Because Michael put me in charge, even though you're old enough to be my mother.\nAngela: What? Well what you say is stupid, and your job is pointless. And you're a slut and everyone thinks so.\nKelly: Well, you're fired, okay? Go back to accounting, Angela.\nAngela: Gladly. I quit.\nKevin: If cartoon characters didn't have sex, then how would we get new cartoon characters? From the sex! [giggles]\nMichael: The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she's not our customer anymore.\nPam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. My favorite is the one for his mother.\nMichael: Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out.\nPam: My personal favorite is the one he made for his condo association.\nMichael: And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you'd be the weirdos.\nJim: Okay, Andy, we need to go. Seriously.\nAndy: Dude, there she is. Don't look, don't look. She's sitting with Denise. How am I supposed to do this? Denise hates me.\nJim: Don't do it.\nAndy: What is your problem, man? Can't you support a bro? That's why you don't have any friends, Tuna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I need...\nJim: That's okay.\nAndy: ...your help. I love her.\nJim: What?\nAndy: Yeah. I lo- I love her. Is this what love is? This, like, horrible feeling in my stomach?\nJim: No, that's your conscience. Listen to it.\nAndy: Look, okay, just be my wingman. Beer me five minutes. Talk to Denise. She's really into White Russians and whippets.\nAndy: Jamie, can I talk to you for a second?\nJamie: Yeah. I only have a minute.\nJim: [sits down next to Denise] So, high school.\nDenise: Do you have a cigarette?\nJim: Oh, I don't smoke. Sorry.\nDenise: There's nothing to do in this town.\nJim: You should take up a musical instrument.\nDenise: Yeah, I should take up that. Jamie?\nJim: Hey, uh, does Mr. Nortman still teach here? He's a jerk, right?\nDenise: He's dead. Hey, do you have any weed?\nJim: No, nope. What else? What else? You watch The Hills? What is Heidi thinking?\nDenise: How old are you?\nJim: How old do you think I am?\nDenise: Forty?\nJim: [shakes head]\nDenise: Are you someone's dad here?\nJim: Not that I know of.\nDenise: Ew. What kind of car do you have?\nJim: I drive a Saab station wagon.\nDenise: My dad just gave me his old Lexus.\nJim: Really? Way to earn it. Hey, Andy?\nAndy: What?\nJim: Yup.\nDwight: Very well [hangs up phone]. I just got a call from Debbie Brown over at the mill. She claims innocence and is willing to come over here and defend herself.\nCreed: No time. Dwight, I love Debbie Brown. She's a close personal friend. But quality is my life. This company has a reputation to uphold. As much as it pains me, someone has to be held accountable.\nDwight: You're right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down.\nMichael: Are we ready?\nDwight: Final touch-ups.\nMichael: Okay. Am I shiny?\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: Okay. We good? Okay, that's enough Aqua Net.\nDwight: I don't know...\nMichael: [clears throat] Stop it.\nDwight: [coughs]\nKelly: Hey, Angela. I'm sorry that I said you were old enough to be my mother. I don't know why I said that. I think I might be hypoglycemic or something, but still, it's no excuse. So, I'm very sorry.\nAngela: Oh. Thank you, Kelly [long pause]. And I wish I hadn't called you stupid.\nKelly: Do you think I'm a slut?\nAngela: No, but some of your outfits are not appr-\nKelly: Apology accepted! [hugs Angela]\nAngela: I didn't apologize.\nKelly: We're like best friends now!\nAngela: We're not.\nKelly: I'll text you!\nAngela: Don't!\nKelly: Bye, Angela!\nAngela: Fine.\nKelly: That is all I was looking for today. She got something out of my training session. I mean, she will never work in customer relations. Oh, my God, no. Never. But maybe she'll be less of a grump.\nAngela: Kelly's not so bad. She really taught me something today [rolls eyes].\nMichael: I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign.\nDwight: ...to the fullest extent of the law [hangs up phone]. Listen up, everyone! I just got off the phone with the mill. Final responsibility for Watermark-gate has been assigned. Floor manager Debbie Brown has officially been terminated. Lets give a big hand to Creed Bratton, without whose earnest and diligent sleuthing this scandal might never have been resolved [claps].\nCreed: Just doing my job, guys."}
{"text": "Jim: [to Pam] Hey.\nJim: [Dwight hands Jim a piece of paper] Oh, what's this?\nDwight: That is a demerit.\nJim: [reads demerit] 'Jim Halpert, tardiness.' Ugh. I love it already.\nDwight: You've gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law.\nJim: Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions, like, what does a demerit mean?\nDwight: [scoffs] Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.\nJim: Lay it on me.\nDwight: Three demerits and you'll receive a citation.\nJim: Now that sounds serious.\nDwight: Oh, it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt... in the form of a disciplinary review written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.\nJim: Which would be me.\nDwight: That is correct.\nJim: OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation.\nDwight: What's a dis... what's that?\nJim: Oh, you don't want to know.\nPam: [door opens] Hey, Phyllis. You all right?\nPhyllis: I think I just got flashed.\nPam: What? Really?\nPhyllis: In the parking lot.\nPam: Oh, my God.\nDwight: [jumps out of his chair and runs for the door] Move!\nJim: OK, I'll call the\nAndy: What happened? What can I do to help?\nJim: [on the phone] OK.\nAndy: I'll check the web.\nJim: [on the phone] Thank you. [hangs up the phone] The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls.\nPam: [to Phyllis] Can you tell us what happened?\nPhyllis: Um... I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out... on the map.\nAngela: Phyllis. You're a married woman.\nCreed: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?\nCreed: If that's flashing, then lock me up.\nPam: [whispering] It's just, like, so creepy.\nRyan: [whispering] Yeah. [Pam and Ryan whispering]\nMichael: What's happening?\nPam: Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot.\nMichael: Really? Is she OK?\nPam: Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down.\nMichael: OK. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher]\nAngela: What is so funny?\nMichael: Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?\nKevin: I'm guessing not.\nMichael: [laughing softly] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it.\nJim: Mm... not really, no.\nPam: It's disgusting and demeaning.\nMichael: Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? [everyone glares] OK. [Michael puts his finger through his pant's zipper] He's back! [laughs] OK. Hmm. [babbling with his coat pulled closed] Waagh! [flashes everyone]\nToby: Hey, what's going on? There's a police car in the...\nMichael: What? Oh. [makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down]\nToby: What's going on?\nMichael: Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh... [laughs]\nToby: I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response.\nMichael: Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul.\nToby: I don't think the women in this office -\nMichael: Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher.\nToby: I was at a parent-teacher conference.\nMichael: Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. [everyone is shocked] [exhales]I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.\nMichael: In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me.\nJan: [on speakerphone] Michael, ...\nMichael: Huh?\nJan: ...come over after work tonight, OK? I miss your body.\nMichael: I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls -\nJan: I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser.\nMichael: Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable.\nJan: $300?\nMichael: I... uh, well, I don't know.\nJan: You know whatever. Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka, OK? Hunter, are you on?\nHunter: [on speakerphone] You got it, Jan.\nDwight: Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free.\nMichael: [exhales] I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house.\nDwight: Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on.\nMichael: OK.\nDwight: [lays a folder full of pictures on Michael's desk] There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert.\nMichael: This is the last\nDwight: Look at that one.\nMichael: Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. [Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand]\nMichael: Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say.\nDwight: Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to - Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force.\nJim: [raises hand] Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces?\nDwight: Answer: No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?\nPam: Phallus?\nDwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody.\nPam: I don't often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. [small laugh] Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things.\nPhyllis: I didn't really get a good look.\nPam: That's OK. I don't feel like answering phones.\nKaren: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? [reads memo] 'Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute.' This is ridiculous.\nDwight: Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.\nKaren: Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting.\nDwight: Desperate times call for desperate measures.\nPam: [reads memo] 'Sleeves down to the wrists, buttoned-up collars, and muted colors.' Nobody dress like that. [camera pans over to Angela]\nMichael: OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that.\nKaren: Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect.\nMichael: See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?\nDwight: Yes. Did you hear that, Michael?\nMichael: No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation.\nJim: Wait a second, how are you qualified for that?\nMichael: Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?\nDwight: [eating banana] Mm, less than three.\nMichael: That is not current.\nDwight: You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual.\nJim: Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls.\nDwight: Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car.\nMichael: You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.\nMichael: I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter.\nCreed: Are we still discussing this? I say again, what is the big deal?\nMichael: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.\nMeredith: I don't remember doing that.\nAngela: What a surprise.\nMichael: OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.\nDwight: Alien\nMichael: What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. [points to Pam] Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this.\nAndy: If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models.\nKevin: Yes, Andy. Then the fashion models could come here and work with me.\nKaren: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.\nMichael: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything.\nKaren: I'm saying that you're being sexist.\nMichael: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.\nKaren: That - it's the same thing.\nPhyllis: Michael.\nMichael: Yes.\nPhyllis: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.\nMichael: Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.\nAngela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.\nMichael: I have to know whether you're serious or not.\nDwight: I wish I could menstruate.\nDwight: If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.\nKaren: Can we just get back to work?\nMichael: Ye - OK, yes.\nAngela: This is not work talk.\nMichael: You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall. [Kelly gasps]\nKaren: Frankly, it's kind of insulting. But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car. So... I could do that.\nAngela: Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior's section. There are petite adults who are sort of... smaller who need to wear... maybe a kids' size 10.\nMichael: OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. [Pam nods] Let's go!\nDwight: Have you finished with the sketch?\nPam: Yeah.\nDwight: Hmm, doesn't seem like the type.\nPam: Uh, Phyllis got a good look.\nDwight: Hmm.\nDwight: [Pam's sketch looks like Dwight with a mustache, but without his glasses] I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide.\nPam: [tires screeching] Oh.\nAngela: Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead.\nMeredith: Thanks. I know how to drive. [dumps the crumbs from a bag of chips she was eating into her mouth and throws it out the window]\nPam: Oh, yeah. You really shouldn't litter.\nMeredith: My car, my rules.\nKevin: Hey, Jim. You wanna go in the women's bathroom?\nJim: No. Thank you, though.\nKevin: You aren't curious?\nJim: Not really. I've seen a bathroom before.\nKevin: Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy.\nJim: I think you mean a girl's\nKevin: [quietly] Yeah. I'm going in.\nJim: Go crazy.\nKevin: [in women's bathroom] Oh... my... God.\nAndy: I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today.\nDwight: Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So start hanging these all around the building.\nAndy: This guy looks like a real deviant.\nDwight: No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those.\nAndy: Aye, aye, Cap'n.\nDwight: More like, 'Aye, aye, General.'\nMichael: [Meredith parking the car] I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it - [metal scraping]\nMeredith: It's a little too tight. I'm gonna find another spot.\nMichael: Many women\nDwight: [marks Scranton with a red pushpin on a map of Pennsylvania and exhales] This is what we\nJim: [in women's bathroom] Well, I stand corrected. This is pretty cool.\nKevin: Yes.\nToby: Hey, uh... where'd you decide to take Karen tonight?\nJim: Anna Maria's.\nRyan: What's the occasion?\nJim: Six-month anniversary. What?\nRyan: Nothing - I think, uh, we all kinda thought you guys were just, like, hooking up.\nJim: No, we've been dating for six months.\nRyan: Uh, she might mention an email that I wrote a while back, um -\nJim: Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend.\nRyan: I figured. It's cool. I don't - I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway.\nMichael: All right. Hope nobody's on a diet.\nKelly: Thanks, Michael.\nAngela: Thank you, Michael.\nMichael: You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish.\nPam: What do you want to dish about?\nMichael: Anything you guys want. This is your time. [everyone is silent or continues to eat, Michael exhales] Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese.\nPam: OK. New topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?\nKelly: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome.\nMichael: What, um... what do you think of role-play?\nPhyllis: Oh, it can be fun.\nMichael: Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.\nKaren: It's a pretty common one.\nMichael: I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.\nAngela: OK. I'm gonna be at the doll store.\nAngela: Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.\nPam: Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.\nMichael: Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.\nPam: Oh, my God.\nMichael: [groans] And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.\nKaren: That is not healthy behavior.\nMichael: No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.\nPam: Michael, you need to get out of this.\nMichael: No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing.\nPam: No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad. [Karen nods and Michael looks like he's about to start crying]\nMichael: No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. [sniffing] You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs]\nPam: Read the pros first.\nMichael: OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt.\nPhyllis: She does have very nice clothes.\nKaren: OK, OK. Um, cons.\nMichael: Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested.\nPam: What was the last one?\nMichael: She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.\nPhyllis: No, the one before that.\nMichael: I'm unhappy when I'm with her.\nPam: Michael... you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.\nMichael: I'm happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.\nKaren: Look, most relationships have their rough patches. You just have to push through it sometimes.\nMichael: Yeah, that's smart.\nPam: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.\nMichael: That sounds good too. I don't know who's right. I just don't - I don't know. I don't know.\nPhyllis: I bet you know. Don't think, just answer. What do you want to do about Jan?\nMichael: I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan.\nPhyllis: My mom taught me that.\nMichael: Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories.\nPam: No one said it has no calories.\nMichael: Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. [Kelly sprints inside Victoria's Secret] Come on. Get in here.\nMichael: Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.\nKevin: [in women's bathroom] This is so great, huh? We should do this much more often.\nToby: I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time.\nCreed: What are you doing in here? This is the women's room.\nKevin: You're in here.\nCreed: I pay for that privilege. [goes into stall]\nKevin: [all get up to leave] OK.\nCreed: [wearing headphones and speaking loudly] I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly.\nMichael: Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.\nKaren: Phyllis. What do you think? Too much?\nPhyllis: Jim's gonna love it. [Karen giggles]\nPam: I'm kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I don't need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe.\nAngela: [in the car] Slower. Slower. Meredith. [Michael's cell phone ringing My Humps] Slow it up.\nMichael: Oh. Oh, no. [inhales sharply] It's Jan. What do I do?\nKaren: Answer it.\nPam: Don't answer it.\nMichael: OK, it stopped.\nKelly: [bang] Whoa.\nMeredith: [tires screeching] Crap.\nJim: [snickers at Pam's sketch] That is pretty cool.\nKelly: Michael, you know how to, um -change a wheel, right?\nMichael: Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will...\nPam: Here, uh... Meredith? Why don't you put your hazards on.\nMichael: Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. [takes off his coat and tosses it aside] There we go! [Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench] Good. Yes, we have the... all right. [tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts]\nPam: I think I've got it.\nMichael: Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?\nPam: I don't think we really need that, Michael.\nMichael: Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail.\nPam: You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe's already coming in handy. [Meredith honking] Coming!\nAndy: Think we'll find him?\nDwight: Yeah, I do. 'Cause justice never rests.\nAndy: [pulls a candy bar from his coat pocket] Halvsies?\nDwight: No. Wholesies. [snatches the candy bar]\nAndy: Listen, man, I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot.\nDwight: Natch. [bites off a lot of candy bar]\nAndy: Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang some of these posters around my neighborhood. Schools, post office, et cetera.\nDwight: You know, I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass. [coughs]\nMichael: OK, I am really going to do this.\nPam: Good luck, Michael.\nMichael: You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it. [sighs]\nKaren: OK, remember, be strong.\nMichael: I love you guys. Now I'm getting her voicemail.\nPam: Don't leave a -\nMichael: [leaving a message] Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. [Jan walks in] OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later.\nJan: Michael... [clears throat] I was, um... I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I... I just - I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So... [takes Michael's hand] I'm sorry.\nMichael: Thank you.\nJan: So... we're good?\nMichael: Abso-fruit-ly.\nJan: [cell phone vibrates] Oh. Hold on, I'm sorry.\nMichael: No... No...\nJan: One second. Oh! It's from you. Uh, you wanna grab some dinner?\nMichael: Yeah.\nJan: OK. [voice on phone] 'It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I want...'\nMichael: Maybe some Italian. [voice on phone] '... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -' [Jan takes the phone away from her ear] Chinese? [voice on phone] 'who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy.'\nJan: Oh. [door closes]\nMichael: [sighs] Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. 'Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?' You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.\nDwight: [phone rings] Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute.\nJim: Hey, Dwight. It's Jim.\nDwight: Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy.\nJim: No, you're not. I'm looking right at you.\nDwight: Ugh. I'm hanging up.\nJim: Don't. [quietly] I have information about the sex predator.\nDwight: You have information about the sex predator?\nJim: I saw him two minutes ago.\nDwight: Where?\nJim: In the women's bathroom, above the sink.\nDwight: [hangs up and runs to the women's bathroom] Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm. [sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache, removes his glasses and figures it out] PAM!\nJan: So how are you liking the Wall Street Journal subscription?\nMichael: Love it.\nJan: Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would?\nMichael: Uh, yes, I am.\nJan: Good, good, it's the best business reporting isn't it?\nMichael: Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny.\nJan: Wait, wait, what cartoons?\nMichael: The a cartoon that goes with each article. This one says Mel Karmazin? I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it.\nJan: [Sigh]\nMichael: We should really start recycling.\nJan: Right uh, Michael.\nKelly: Hey, what's going on?\nStanley: Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot.\nKelly: [Screams]\nStanley: Okay, you need to stop that right now.\nBob: Phyllis, you okay? You sure?\nAndy: Hey good lookin', what ya got cookin'?\nDwight: I got nothing cooking, it's cooked. It's borscht and its served cold.\nAndy: Hey listen, I'm sure everyone's already told you but, your presentation out there, was pretty inspiring stuff. Must be nice being a woman around here, knowing they have a protector in you.\nDwight: If you are trying to kiss my ass, I would not suggest it. Believe me, you do not want to kiss this ass.\nAndy: Borscht, according to Dwight it's best served cold. You know what else is best served cold? Yeah, gazpacho. You see what I'm doing? I am establishing a mutual love of cold soups. This is the first step in my plan to win Dwight's trust.\nAndy: I should make you my vichyssoise.\nDwight: I will never be your vichyssoise.\nMichael: Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep?\nJim: No. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think this is the place to do this.\nMichael: Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand.\nKelly: [sings] We're going to the mall. Bye Ryan, bye.\nDwight: Lets go, fall out, let's go. Move, move, move, move, move.\nMichael: I got shotgun. Damn it.\nAndy: Let me be clear. There's only one thing that's important to me, and its not friendship. Its dominance, and I think I know a thing or two about dominating. Okay, I lived with a dominatrix for three years in Stamford. Mistress Lila. Taught me more than any college professor I ever had, while attending Cornell, which is where I went to school.\nMichael: Look at that! Come on! Free underwear!\nPam: It is totally inappropriate, but on the other hand...\nMichael: Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit.\nJim: That's pretty cool.\nAndy: You can make people believe anything. Today I made Dwight believe I like cold soups. Why? I don't know. I don't have to know. That's what makes me so dangerous.\nMichael: Idiot.\nMichael: I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves."}
{"text": "Michael: Ughh... Blech.\nDwight: OK, where does it hurt?\nMichael: Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying...\nDwight: No, that's not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body.\nMichael: Right there. [Michael points to computer screen.]\nDwight: [reading from screen] 'Abdomen. Menses.'\nMichael: Maybe.\nDwight: The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.'\nMichael: Not it. I don't have eggs.\nPam: About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.\nDwight: Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?\nMichael: That's possible.\nPam: Michael?\nMichael: Uh-huh?\nPam: David Wallace is on line one.\nMichael: The CFO? Ohh...\nMichael: OK, everybody out. Out. Out. Out. OK.\nMichael: To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace?\nDavid: [on phone] Michael, I am calling-\nMichael: And Gromit. [David sighs] Jan? Is Jan there?\nDavid: Jan is out of town right now.\nMichael: Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan's heart, David, and it was awful. It was... It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes...\nDavid: Michael?\nMichael: ...you just gots to get your freak on.\nDavid: Michael?\nMichael: Yeah.\nDavid: Michael?\nMichael: Hmmm.\nDavid: I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening in corporate.\nMichael: Really?\nDavid: Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch.\nMichael: Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say.\nDavid: That's not necessary.\nMichael: May God guide you in your quest.\nDavid: Yes.\nMichael: OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus.\nMeredith: Oh I'm excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt [lifts up shirt, definitely\nMichael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?\nOscar: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.\nMichael: Well, you can't swim in leather pants. [laughs] I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally.\nToby: Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30.\nMichael: Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going.\nToby: It's Beach Day...\nMichael: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby. We... um... Somebody has to stay here.\nMichael: I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck.\nToby: Hey, want my sun screen?\nPam: Oh, great. I forgot mine and I'm wearing a two piece.\nToby: Uh-huh.\nPam: Thanks Toby.\nMichael: Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you\nPam: I thought we were just having fun at the beach.\nMichael: We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people's character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me.\nMichael: What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.\nPam: You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities?\nMichael: I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright?\nPam: I have the most boring job in the office, so... why wouldn't I have the most boring job on beach day?\nMichael: This way to the partay bus.\nKevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.\nKevin: [singing] [Angela mouthing the words next to him] And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. Said, 'If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.' [rest of office joins in at varying times] You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.\nMichael: Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.\nStanley: Oh, sweet mother of God.\nMichael: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.\nStanley: Excuse me?\nMichael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner!\nDwight: Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.\nMichael: Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off.\nDwight: I hope there will be management parables.\nMichael: Well, [whispering] Hey Pam, did you get that down?\nPam: Like what?\nMichael: Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just don't...\nPam: Well... no, I don't... exactly... what?\nMichael: Well write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures. [sighs] Rrrr. I can't stay mad at you.\nMichael: Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. [Gets off bus] Watch out for snakes!\nAngela: Everyone put on sunscreen.\nMichael: Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] OK, everybody up! Circle 'round. [motions for circle to form] Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor.\nOscar: What?\nMichael: Just words. Inspiring words. [under breath] Not a contender. [out loud] For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley.\nDwight: Yes!\nMichael: Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam.\nMichael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.\nDwight: I choose Michael!\nMichael: I'm not playing.\nDwight: OK, temp.\nMichael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.\nMichael: We are going to choose team names. Dwight?\nDwight: We will be called Gryffindor.\nJim: Really? Not Slytherin?\nDwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.\nJim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.\nDwight: He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that.\nJim: [starts chanting] Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort ...[Kevin and Karen follow] Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort!\nDwight: OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that.\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name?\nStanley: I don't care what you call my team.\nMichael: Then I will name your team the Red team.\nStanley: No [crosses arms], the blue team.\nMichael: I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America.\nAndy: We will be team U.S.A.\nMichael: Very good. Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic.\nMichael: Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.\nMichael: It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist.\nStanley: There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon.\nMichael: Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail. First team back is the winner. Alright. Ready? Set. Go! [contestants start walking]\nOscar: Come on Phyllis, you can do it. [Phyllis' egg falls off spoon] Ahh...\nStanley: Thank you so much. [Stanley sits down and pulls out his crossword puzzle]\nAndy: Phyllis is out. Yes! [to Kelly] Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Right this way. Looking good. [Cheers]\nKelly: I don't want to hit the big rock!\nAndy: Don't worry. You're not...\nKelly: I know I'm near the big rock. I just know it.\nAndy: No where near the big rock.\nKelly: [takes off blindfold] I just don't want to get hit by it...\nAndy: What're you doing? No! See, now we're disqualified.\nAndy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! [throws a stone]\nJim: [to Karen] Woah, stop, stop, stop. There's a hole. Step over the hole.\nKaren: Hole?\nJim: Yup. [Karen takes a big step] Perfect, oooh, just made it. OK, turn left.\nDwight: [to Ryan] Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!\nRyan: Can you just stop this right now, or I'm not gonna do this anymore.\nDwight: What are you saying?\nRyan: You have to stop yelling at me or I'm not gonna do the egg race.\nDwight: OK, I apologize for yelling at you.\nRyan: That's what being a good captain is about. It's about listening to the members of your team.\nDwight: I am trying to bring team spirit.\nJim: [to Karen] Woah, stop, another hole. Take a big step. [Karen steps into lake] Yes!\nKaren: [lifts up blindfold] Oh my God! You ass! [chases Jim and throws egg at him] [both laugh]\nPam: There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking. [holds up notes]\nMichael: [off screen] Pam...you're missing things. [shakes off hand and starts writing in notebook]\nDwight: [at Ryan holding egg in spoon] Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on you bastard! [Ryan takes off blindfold and throws it to ground along with egg and spoon] What the? Damn it temp!\nAndy: [begins to clap] Great job everyone, that was fantastic. [Michael sighs]\nMichael: Okay Pam, I have another little project for you.\nPam: Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs?\nMichael: Smart as a whip! Yes! [holds up hot dog packages] These are pre-cooked, so it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it.\nPam: When's the contest?\nMichael: Like umm...[looks at watch] ten minutes?\nPam: How am I supposed to... get...\nMichael: Thanks a bunch.\nMichael: A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success.\nMichael: OK, who's hungry [Kevin starts to put hot dog in mouth] No, no, no. Do not touch the food. Please. Not yet. That is our next event. A hot dog eating contest. [sighs at the table] For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and one half hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so each and every one of you could break that record. So shoot for the stars, OK? Alright, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes will be declared the winner. On you mark. Get set.\nKelly: Can I have a turkey burger?\nMichael: No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready?\nOscar: Turkey is a healthy meat.\nDwight: It's very good for you. [overlapping talk from all at table]\nMichael: Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Pleeeeease... Let's just... OK, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can. On your mark. Get set. Eat!\nPhyllis: Is there any mustard?\nMichael: No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.\nMichael: Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize.\nMeredith: [eating hot dog] What is it?\nMichael: I can't say.\nJim: You can't say, or you can't pronounce it?\nMichael: The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world.\nKelly: Can we just take those first two things?\nMichael: The winner of today gets my job. Ok? I'm interviewing for a job at corporate. And they're only interviewing a handful of people and I'm the most qualified and I'll probably get it. Alright?\nDwight: You're leaving?\nMichael: I didn't want to tell anyway. I didn't want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I don't know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up.\nAndy: [slams fist onto table] I am so hungry! [starts eating hot dog real fast]\nStanley: Do you expect me to believe that you're truly making your recommendations on this basis?\nMichael: [points at Stanley] Word. [Stanley starts eating hot dog] There we go. Let's see it.\nStanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!\nMichael: Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs!\nKelly: Team U.S.A.!\nAndy: One came up.\nMichael: 13 hot dogs, everybody!\nDwight: Damn it!\nCreed: [holding a fish with all the meat stripped off] Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!\nDwight: Sabotage.\nAngela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?\nDwight: No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.\nAngela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.\nDwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.\nMichael: It's very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens.\nStanley: Uh, we don't have any safety mittens\nMichael: Probably left them in the trunk of my car. It's alright. It's alright. Here we go.\nKaren: Get 'em big boy!\nMichael: Aaaaaand, go!\nKaren: C'mon, Jim!\nStanley: [growly noises, Jim looks terrified]\nJim: What are you doing?\nMichael: Nice, Stanley!\nStanley: [to Jim] Sorry about that. It's all about taking points away from Dwight.\nJim: Yeah. No. Good.\nJim: Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day.\nOscar: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.\nDwight: [Andy and Dwight sumo wrestle] Gaaaaa...\nMichael: One. Two. Three.\nDwight: Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa!\nMichael: Excellent!\nDwight: Gryffindor! Gryffindor!\nAndy: I didn't win. But the only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work thing out with words.\nDwight: That's not why you lost.\nAndy: Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad.\nDwight: Yeah, right.\nAndy: Yeah, right, c'mon! C'mon! [Dwight and Andy wrestle]\nDwight: [bouncing off of Andy] Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that?\nAndy: [Trying to wet bandana, falls in water] Oh, God! Waaa! Guhh! Wuuuh! Help! Angela! Angela, hey! Oh, thank God! Please tell somebody!\nAngela: What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them?\nAndy: Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously!\nAngela: I don't understand what you want from me.\nAndy: Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!\nAngela: Sorry! Bye, Andy!\nAndy: Angela!\nMichael: I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah... who's ahead in points?\nPam: I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units.\nMichael: Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook.\nPam: I really doubt it, Michael.\nMichael: Please just check.\nJim: [on cell phone] Great. Yeah, I'll see you next week. Thank you, and here is Karen Filipelli. Bye.\nKaren: Hello? Yeah, hi David. Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well.\nJim: In well?\nKaren: As well.\nJim: How would that work in well? I just want to know.\nKaren: Yes. uh, huh.\nJim: Wait a minute.\nKaren: That would be fine.\nJim: If this job is in a well, I don't want it.\nKaren: [whispering] Cut it out!\nJim: I don't!\nMichael: What does a great manager need most of all? Courage.\nStanley: How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus.\nMichael: Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory. Walking through FIRE!\nMichael: Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals.\nKevin: Are you going to try it?\nAngela: I'm not going to talk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through.\nKevin: Angela, it is a million degrees.\nPam: I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right?\nMichael: No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score.\nPam: I'd like to try it.\nMichael: Pointless.\nPam: But I'm not kidding. I really want to do it.\nMichael: Blah, blah, blee blup, blup, okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you're up.\nJim: Nope.\nMichael: Ji.. why not? C'mon.\nJim: Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned.\nMichael: You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager.\nJim: That's harsh.\nMichael: Who's next? Andy? Where's Andy? Andy is never here today.\nAndy: [lying in water, car lights light up his location] Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?\nKevin: Why don't you go Michael?\nMichael: Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill.\nJim: And that is not the same at all. If you're going to ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself.\nMichael: Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. 'kay. [clears throat, breathes noisily] The mind has to wrap around the foot. [exhales] Okay.\nPam: Do you want us to count to three?\nMichael: Yes. Count to three, please.\nGroup: Three. Two. One.\nMichael: Count the other way. Count... no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one.\nGroup: One. Two. Three! Go! Do it! Go, Michael.\nMichael: Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three?\nCreed: On the go that's after three.\nMichael: Okay.\nGroup: One, two, three, go!\nDwight: No! It's okay. I will do this Michael.\nMichael: Don't, don't.\nDwight: [walking on coals] I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager!\nGroup: Wow. Go, Dwight. Keep moving.\nDwight: [standing still, on the coals] GIVE ME THE JOB! GIVE ME THE JOB!\nMichael: I'm not going to give it to you.\nDwight: [falling on his knees, then on all fours] Aaagh, aaagh!\nGroup: [yelling excitedly for Dwight to get off the coals]\nPam: Michael, do something!\nDwight: Aggggh, that stings!\nMichael: Being the boss is also about image. I've never looked like that. That was gross. I just, I don't see the connection between a firewalk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what, if I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. 'Outside Hire.'\nAngela: Or Mrs. 'Outside Hire.'\nMichael: Yeah. Ummm, hmm... True. Look, I don't want to leave this branch that I love to an outside hire therefore we are going to have a one hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor.\nKelly: Who's Bob Hope?\nMichael: God! He's a comedian.\nKelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.\nMichael: Who's Amanda Bynes?\nKelly: She's from 'What a Girl Wants.'\nMichael: Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope. So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got.\nJim: Hey, I know what you're looking for, but um, I got to be honest, I really don't think I should be considered as your replacement.\nMichael: You are being too modest.\nJim: Michael, on Thursday I'm going to drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York.\nMichael: Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us.\nDwight: The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, 'Describe your act.' And the man says something really, really raunchy and the talent representative says, 'What do you call yourselves?' And the man says, 'The Aristocrats!'\nPam: [breathes deeply and runs across coals] Oooh, uh hah, ooh! Wha-hoo! Ahhhh...\nDwight: [finishes story] I mean truly repulsive acts.\nMichael: That is a very, very funny story.\nPam: [runs over after walking over fire coals] Hey! I want to say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just, I did it! Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss? Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. [turns and looks directly at Jim] Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford, and I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's... fine. It's... whatever. That's not what... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim... and to everyone else in this circle I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am going to go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day.\nMichael: Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.\nGroup: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones. They're a modern stone-age family. Ba-ba-da-da-da. From the town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history. Ba-da-da-da-da. [overlapping singing of the wrong verses] When you're with the Flintstones, have a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, we'll have a gay old time!\nMichael: WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA!\nAndy: Nice!\nMichael: So we have about an hour and a half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the party bus. Fun on wheels. Only way to travel. Besides a monorail.\nPhyllis: Well, Bob was going to just drive me.\nMichael: No. No, no, no. No guests today. Classic gang only. Just us good friends, and Karen and Andy.\nPam: Sometimes Michael gets nostalgic and he talks about the classic gang. That's Michael, me, Jim, Dwight, Angela, Kevin, Oscar, Stanley, Phyllis, Creed, Meredith, Kelly and Ryan. We're a regular Ocean's Eleven.\nPam: Jim, David Wallace is calling for you.\nJim: Oh, okay. Hello. Hey, David. Sure.\nMichael: Pam, you broke up with your boyfriend and then kept working together. How did that work out?\nPam: You remember you fired Roy for attacking Jim and I don't talk to him anymore really.\nMichael: Acrimonious.\nMichael: This way to the party bus. Good.\nMeredith: [Sign says 'No Alcohol, No Loud Talking'] Um, What the hell?\nMichael: It's a bus that takes you to a party. Here we go.\nMeredith: Um, I forgot my...\nMichael: Here we go. Come on. Okay, everybody here?\nAll: Yeah!\nMichael: Then, Mr. Driver, we are off like a herd of turtles! Johnny Carson. [Meredith runs to catch up to bus with her large drink cup]\nDwight: Seat belts fastened, folks. Safety first. Hey what is all this?\nMichael: Nothing.\nDwight: If I guess, will you tell me?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Please?\nMichael: No!\nDwight: Is that a sumo suit?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: I know, we're putting on a play for Japanese investors.\nMichael: No, we are not.\nDwight: Please tell me. I've been so good...\nMichael: You are really annoying me. If you don't knock it off...\nDwight: Please.\nMichael: ...I'm never gonna tell you anything ever again. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!\nDwight: Please.\nMeredith: Can we please pull over at the next rest stop?\nMichael: No. We're only 10 minutes from the lake.\nMeredith: Pull over! Pull over! [Meredith uses a bush while all the other passengers look the other way, except Creed]\nMichael: Yes, I am choosing my apprentice. Which is why I have modeled all my games after Survivor.\nMichael: Any questions?\nJim: Just one.\nMichael: Yup.\nJim: The torches are lit.\nMichael: Yes, for dramatic affect.\nJim: No, Michael, people are blindfolded. That's a hazard.\nMichael: Very good, Jim. Pam, please note that Jim is very astute. All right, are we ready?\nJim: Are you not gonna put out the torches?\nMichael: Set!\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Go!\nPhyllis: I think Jim would be a good boss. Plus he's eye candy. It's OK, Bob... Vance knows he's on my list. Um, George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jim, and that British guy that got in trouble with a prostitute.\nAndy: It is an honor just to be considered for Michael's job. Honestly. And if I win it, then I will be ordering a pretty sizeable Most Improved Player plaque to put over the hole I punched in the wall.\nMichael: [sighs] Okay. Pam, who came out best in the race, in your opinion?\nPam: Um, Karen left her blindfold on the longest but she also threw her egg at Jim.\nMichael: Because he wasn't following the rules.\nPam: I think they were just having fun.\nMichael: But they didn't complete their task, Pam! If people can't carry an egg in a spoon, blindfolded, then what does that tell you about how they will be able to manage a sales report, or conduct a business call?\nPam: It tells me nothing.\nMichael: Exactly. Are you sure you're doing that right? Taking an awfully long time.\nPam: There's 800 of them!\nMichael: Okay, all right.\nMichael: It's very important that you all try to eat as many hotdogs as you can...\nMeredith: Hotdogs are really unhealthy.\nMichael: Son of a bitch. God! Okay. All right you know what? Here we go. On your mark! Get set!\nPhyllis: Is there any mustard?\nMichael: No mustard! No mustard! Just... eat it. Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it will slide down your gullet more easily.\nEveryone: That's what she said!\nMichael: No, no, no, no, not that- just... come on, you guys, let's do it! I'm serious. Who's got the hungry?\nDwight: I do!\nMichael: Who's got the hungry?\nDwight: I do!\nMichael: Come on, Ryan...\nDwight: Let's go.\nMichael: Ryan, I want to see you with a hot dog in your mouth. Right now.\nJim: Karen and I are having our own contest to see who can eat the most normal amount of tuna salad in an unspecified but very cofortable amount of time. I don't know what to tell you. Right now? Dead heat.\nAndy: Keep eating tuna, Big Tuna. Loser!\nJim: He's gonna throw up.\nMichael: [Dwight and Stanley are in sumo suits] Ready! Go!\nPhyllis: The guy who sits behind me and the guy who sits across from me are fighting to see who becomes my boss. [laughs]\nDwight: [Dwight knocks Stanley down] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Eat sand, you fat, old man!\nKevin: Oh, I'm out of it. Let's face it, the hot dog-eating contest was my best shot.\nRyan: Michael, since Andy isn't here, maybe I could be the team captain.\nMichael: You? You haven't made a sale.\nRyan: I know, but I'd like to give this a try.\nMichael: Don't try to flirt your way into this. Sometimes you really creep me out.\nAndy: [in sumo suit, waves down a car, which swerves around him, runs after it, waving his arms] Wait! [throws sumo hair-hat at the retreating car]\nMichael: Andy Bernard is in first place with four hot dogs! Dwight Schrute is a close second with three and a half! Here comes Stanley! Here comes Stanley, with three hot dogs!\nMichael: This is an inflatable sumo suit. [blows] Now, in the olden days, when they wanted to find a guy who could be king, they would have him pull a sword out of a stone. Well, times have changed. [blows] And it's not even about who is the best sumo wrestler. It's about who is the best boss. And I don't even care who wins. [blows] It's how they wrestle in a blow-up suit... [breathes in] that will tell me all I need to know [blows] or how sumo... [collapses]"}
{"text": "Michael: [at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David!\nDavid: [confused] Oh, Michael?\nMichael: Are we all set?\nDavid: Isn't our interview tomorrow?\nMichael: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello.\nDavid: You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?\nMichael: Thought I'd catch a show.\nDavid: In the middle of a work day?\nMichael: Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job.\nDavid: Okay.\nMichael: Um, how many people are you interviewing?\nDavid: We're only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people.\nMichael: Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?\nDavid: I don't think so.\nMichael: Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?\nDavid: I believe we put you in charge.\nMichael: Ah, great. No further questions.\nDavid: Okay, Michael.\nMichael: Okay.\nDavid: I'm really looking forward to our interview.\nMichael: And I'm really looking forward to working with you.\nMichael: I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late.\nKevin: [Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut] Hey.\nJim: Hey, Kev.\nKevin: What's different about you? You look worse.\nJim: Thank you.\nMeredith: You got a haircut. It's sexy, hot.\nJim: Ohhh...\nMeredith: Turn around.\nJim: No.\nMeredith: Yes.\nJim: No way.\nMeredith: Do it!\nAndy: Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.\nJim: [exhales loudly] Andy...\nAndy: What is it, Big Haircut?\nJim: Nothing.\nAndy: Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut.\nJim: Yup.\nAndy: What?\nJim: Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.\nPam: Hey. I think it looks great.\nJim: Thanks, Pam.\nPam: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so [quietly, and mock bowing] thank you.\nMichael: [knock on door] Yeah.\nDwight: You wanted to see me?\nMichael: Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.\nDwight: But that's my name. [opens letter and reads] Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. [begins to cry] Thank you.\nMichael: Okay. Uh...\nDwight: [cries harder] Thank you, Michael.\nMichael: Uh, okay.\nDwight: [sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much.\nMichael: Stop crying.\nDwight: [sobbing] Thank you.\nMichael: Ohhhhh...\nPam: Hey.\nKaren: Hey.\nPam: Um, about the beach...\nKaren: It's okay, we all say things without thinking.\nPam: Oh, no it's not that, I've actually been thinking that for a long time, and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird.\nKaren: [confused] Oh. Okay.\nKaren: Pam is... kind of a bitch.\nKaren: Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit.\nJim: Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do. [exhales] Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it.\nJim: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early 'cause we want to spend the night in the city.\nMichael: Why so you can do it?\nKaren: [looks annoyed]\nJim: Whoops.\nMichael: No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger...\nJim: Hmmm.\nKaren: Heh.\nMichael: Moon each other.\nJim: Ah, we're gonna go tonight, but we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right?\nMichael: All right.\nJim: All right.\nMichael: Your loss.\nKaren: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?\nMichael: Cruise control.\nKaren: Oh.\nKevin: So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen?\nJim: Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now.\nKevin: Pam is taller.\nJim: You sure?\nKevin: Yes. She has bigger breasts, too.\nJim: Wow.\nKevin: I think Karen has a prettier face.\nJim: Uh, hmm. [thinking] Uh, hmm. What else?\nKevin: Well I mean Pam's face is really pretty too. It's a very tough call.\nJim: Hm. Really tough call.\nKevin: Yeah.\nJim: You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got.\nKevin: Will do.\nJim: All right. [smiles]\nOscar: Hey, Pam I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. [group laughs]\nPam: Wow, very funny.\nStanley: I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly.\nKelly: Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam.\nPam: [smiles]\nMeredith: You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.\nCreed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing.\nCreed: www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out.\nRyan: Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet it's... pretty shocking.\nMichael: There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks.\nKevin: Do you think it's gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York?\nMichael: No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me.\nOscar: Maybe you should talk to her? Before...\nMichael: No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo.\nOscar: Michael...\nKevin: What?\nAngela: Why?\nOscar: I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense.\nMichael: Yes, I...\nAngela: Wha? Who gave you that advice?\nKevin: Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo...\nMichael: I have to buy another place.\nAngela: But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk]\nOscar: You're not sure that you have the job.\nMichael: I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.\nDwight: How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?\nAngela: No Dwight, I don't care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome.\nDwight: No, no, not Michael. [whispers] Me. I'm taking his job.\nAngela: [smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.\nDwight: [squeezing hand grips] Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.\nJim: Oh hey, Dwight.\nDwight: I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.\nJim: Does my room have cable?\nDwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire.\nJim: Can I change rooms?\nDwight: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.\nJim: Can I have a late checkout?\nDwight: I'll have to talk to the manager.\nJim: You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?\nDwight: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!\nJim: Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?\nDwight: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.\nJim: Go.\nDwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year.\nDwight: Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.\nAndy: [signing interview sheet] I will see you at the inter-view.\nDwight: Yes you will.\nMichael: Who is D. Abramson?\nPam: He's from that company in Pitts...\nJan: [walks through front door] Michael.\nMichael: Why... are you here?\nJan: Uh, how are you?\nMichael: I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you.\nJan: I'm great. Uh, can we, can we talk... privately... for a minute?\nMichael: Why privately?\nJan: I just, [quietly] I uh... I don't uh... I, I don't, I don't like the way that we left things.\nMichael: Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of.\nJan: Okay.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem.\nPam: What do you want me to do?\nMichael: Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen.\nPam: What about Meredith?\nMichael: No. She's an alternate.\nMichael: So, how you been?\nJan: Been good.\nMichael: Good.\nJan: Good.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJan: Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail.\nMichael: Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages.\nPam: So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room.\nKaren: Cause of Jan again?\nKaren: Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow?\nPam: Uh, sure.\nKaren: Thanks.\nPam: I really hope you get the job.\nKaren: Thanks. [looks suspicious]\nJan: After you ended... everything with us, I went on a vacation.\nMichael: Hmm.\nJan: To kinda clear my mind.\nMichael: Sound good. Sounds fun.\nJan: It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I'll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time.\nMichael: Hmm..\nJan: I've made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together.\nMichael: Would you excuse me for a second?\nJan: Ohh... [Michael leaves and walks into conference room]\nMichael: Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together.\nPhyllis: What are you gonna do?\nMichael: I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please...\nKaren: Do you want to get back together with her?\nMichael: No, no. What do I do?\nPam: Just don't get back together with her.\nMichael: What if she makes me?\nAngela: How can she make you get back together with her?\nMichael: She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do.\nPam: This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her.\nMichael: I wasn't.\nPam: You're so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong.\nMichael: You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together.\nPam: Right.\nMichael: Wow.\nKaren: Do it.\nMichael: I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you.\nMichael: [walks back into office with Jan] Okay. [clears throat] Jan, we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged]\nMichael: Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out.\nPam: Oh my God. [mouths to Jim]\nJim: Yeah, bigger actually.\nPam: [whispers] That's crazy!\nJim: Mm-hm.\nPam: [mouths] Wow!\nKaren: [moves to block Jim from Pam's eyeline] Oh my God. Can you believe that?\nJim: Unbelievable.\nKaren: Wow!\nJim: She could put the cup right there.\nKaren: I know!\nPam: No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that\nMeredith: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front.\nKevin: I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers.\nCreed: I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots.\nJan: So... [exhales] there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJan: I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities.\nMichael: First got priorities.\nJan: And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation...\nMichael: Let's get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs]\nMichael: No. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is\nDwight: Okay, everyone, listen up! [claps] Time to begin the interview process! [looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy's name] Andrew Bernard.\nAndy: Saving the best for first!\nKaren: All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck!\nDwight: No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael.\nOscar: Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck]\nDwight: What did I say!?\nPam: [to Jim] Good luck.\nJim: Thanks.\nPam: I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am. [thinks] That's Popeye.\nDwight: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?\nAndy: White, because it contains all other colors.\nDwight: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?\nAndy: You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.\nDwight: What is the capital of Maine?\nAndy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.\nDwight: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company.\nAndy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.\nDwight: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.\nAndy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?\nAndy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.\nDwight: [Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win] Time! No, you failed.\nAndy: Damn it!\nDwight: This interview is over. I'll let you know.\nKaren: [Driving to New York] Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview.\nJim: Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or...\nKaren: Oh, you know I'm gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend's house.\nJim: Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish?\nKaren: No, I'm sorry I should have been clearer. It's for me.\nJim: Oh...\nKaren: Cause I'm going to get the job.\nMichael: [holding Jan's breasts] Remarkable.\nJan: Thanks.\nMichael: Wait, wait. Check one more time.\nJan: Oh, okay.\nMichael: Very good [Jan nods]\nJan: Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?\nMichael: Yes, indeed.\nJan: Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye.\nMichael: So, I guess we're getting back together.\nPam: What happened?\nMichael: Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.\nMichael: Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.\nKaren: So we have all night. Where do you want to go first?\nJim: Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?\nKaren: How often do you come here?\nJim: Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip.\nKaren: I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim.\nMichael: Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, [clicks on small tape player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck.\nDwight: [Dwight clicks off tape player] Who's ready to work?\nJim: [Karen punches buttons on an ATM] Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It's in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels.\nKaren: That wasn't him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was]\nKaren: So what's going to happen to us when I get this job?\nJim: Oh do you mean when I get the job?\nKaren: Well,\nJim: You mean Kevin?\nKaren: Exactly. But you get it, right? Can't stay there.\nJim: Yeah, I do. C'mon. [they hold hands and cross street]\nMichael: [exhales] How are you guys doing? Need anything?\nKaren: Uh, no, we're good. Thanks.\nMichael: I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names. If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me.\nJim: [points at bearded man] Who's that?\nMichael: That\nJim: Beardy?\nMichael: Mm-hmm.\nJim: I'm gonna introduce myself.\nMichael: No, no, no, just... that's not his real name. That's just what I call him, so...\nMichael: I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy... is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.\nDwight: Michael is gone.\nAndy: Hail to the chief!\nDwight: My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.\nAndy: My first order of business: accept.\nDwight: As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael's World's Best Boss mug]\nAndy: Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. [washing out Michael's mug]\nMichael: Hey! Hunter! Wha's up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.\nHunter: Uh, administrative assistant.\nMichael: Jan in yet?\nHunter: I think she's comin' in... later.\nMichael: Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?\nHunter: Sure.\nMichael: Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means.\nHunter: Okay.\nMichael: Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the 'motorboat' noise] 'Brbrbrbrbr!' also?\nDwight: You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.\nPam: Thank you.\nDwight: I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager.\nPam: Really?\nDwight: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position.\nPam: You will be your own assistant.\nDwight: Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.\nPam: Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager,\nDwight: Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: Do you accept?\nPam: Absolutely, I do.\nPam: I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'\nMichael: [knocks on door] Hello, hello!\nDavid: Michael, good to see you!\nMichael: Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.\nDavid: Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?\nMichael: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.\nDavid: Okay. And your strengths?\nMichael: Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths.\nDavid: Oh. Yes. Very good.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDavid: Very good.\nPhyllis: Dwight is our new boss.\nOscar: Oh, Michael's not going anywhere.\nPam: Then who do you think will get the job?\nKevin: Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits.\nPhyllis: I think it's gonna be Michael.\nOscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?\nPhyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.\nOscar: [laughs] Mm. Yeah.\nDwight: Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... [holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight's face in the middle] is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch.\nPam: [raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?\nDwight: Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent.\nOscar: So ten\nDwight: Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!\nStanley: Amen.\nDwight: Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.\nKevin: [raises hand] Do we have to?\nDwight: Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.' Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!\nPam: I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here.\nDavid: What do you think we could be doing better?\nMichael: I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, 'Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!' I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, 'Super Duper Paper. It's super duper.' I don't know, something like that.\nDavid: Okay!\nMichael: Okay.\nDavid: Thanks for comin' in, Michael.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDavid: It is always a treat when our paths cross.\nMichael: It is always a treat when\nDavid: You're back together.\nMichael: Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals.\nDavid: Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job.\nMichael: I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it?\nDavid: No, we're letting Jan go.\nDwight: Listen up. Let's start... from the ground\nKevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Trees.\nDwight: Trees! And where do trees grow?\nKevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Forest.\nDwight: Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head 'no'] Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state?\nStanley: Liquid.\nDwight: Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.\nStanley: I don't want it.\nDwight: Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!\nStanley: Make it 100.\nDwight: We- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?\nStanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.\nDwight: What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?\nStanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.\nDwight: Okay-\nAndy: That's it!\nDwight: What-\nAndy: Class is canceled, everybody out!\nDwight: No wait, what are you doing?!\nAndy: I'm punishing them.\nDwight: No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.\nEveryone: [grumbling, getting loud]\nPam: HEY! COME ON! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam]\nOscar: What- What are you winking for?\nDwight: Zip your lid!\nKaren: So, that's... my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows?\nDavid: Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but...\nKaren: Yeah?\nDavid: ...what do you think about Michael Scott?\nKaren: He's a very nice man. And he's very well suited for the job he has now.\nDavid: This is off the record.\nKaren: He would be disaster.\nJan: Hey you!\nMichael: Hey.\nJan: How was your interview?\nMichael: Pretty good.\nJan: Yeah?\nMichael: Could have gone better I guess.\nJan: Oh. [they kiss] I'll put in a good word for you.\nMichael: Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.\nJan: What?\nMichael: Daaah, let's just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would... be fine. We'd have fun.\nJan: What's... what's the matter? What... what happened in there?\nMichael: I can't tell you.\nJan: Tell me what?\nJan: You son of a bitch!\nDavid: Jan, this isn't the time, we're in an interview-\nJan: You're\nDavid: Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.\nJan: Erratic?\nDavid: Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to-\nJan: [opens up her overcoat] Is it because of these?\nMichael: Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan-\nJan: No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court!\nDavid: It's not.\nJan: No?\nDavid: It's not.\nJan: Cause he likes them. [points to Michael] Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about.\nDavid: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.\nMichael: Hey!\nJan: Yeah!\nMichael: No- We're all unstable.\nJan: Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. I'm not leaving. Not leaving.\nMichael: David, I did not tell her.\nAndy: It's like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall.\nDwight: It's like outerspace without the stars, it's so black. [laughs]\nAndy: This is gonna look so awesome!\nDwight: It's so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!\nAndy: [laughs] Totally!\nJan: [giving a hug] Bye Hunter.\nHunter: Bye.\nJan: Good luck with your band.\nHunter: Oh, thank-\nJan: Don't let them change you, okay? [Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door] So long, [censored].\nMichael: So, I am gonna... give her a ride home. Let me know about the job.\nDavid: Actually, Michael, I think we're gonna take it in another direction.\nMichael: Good, I'm glad we're on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions.\nDavid: No, we're not giving you the job.\nMichael: You know what? That... is actually good... because, um, I don't think I could take... my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal?\nDavid: I do.\nMichael: Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though.\nDavid: Yes.\nMichael: Good. That's all I ever wanted. These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them... excellent candidates.\nKaren: Wow. That was some serious... hardcore... self destruction.\nJim: Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.\nKaren: Don't! She's nuts! [they laugh]\nJim: Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don't have to stay, if you don't want.\nKaren: Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so...\nJim: Okay.\nKaren: Just call me when you're done.\nJim: Sure.\nKaren: Good luck, Halpert.\nJim: Thank you.\nReceptionist: [phone rings, picks up] Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure.\nJan: Oh, God! I mean, I just don't understand! It's just\nMichael: I know. I know, I'm sorry about that. That was terrible.\nJan: Oh, just... No, actually I think it's good, you know? It's fine, actually, I do. I really think it's great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so... [laughs]\nMichael: Well, it's... [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don't cry, it's gonna be OK.\nJan: [sobbing] Oh, I know, I know. It's just... I'm sorry. It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do?\nMichael: [whispers] I don't know. [normal volume] Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.\nJan: Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work. This could work, really!\nMichael: [in the office, imitating the terminator] I'll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack!\nPam: How'd it go?\nMichael: No. No, Pam. I'm baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon.\nMichael: Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. 'Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoe in.' Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. Why is my office black?\nDwight: To intimidate my subordinates.\nMichael: That's stupid.\nDwight: It was Andy's idea.\nMichael: You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I'm baaaaaack. [laughs] Ryan, coffee.\nRyan: I don't do that stuff anymore.\nMichael: No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids.\nMichael: So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones.\nPam: Did... Karen get the job?\nMichael: [to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin' on that coffee.\nDwight: Pam, hello.\nPam: Dwight, hello.\nDwight: I wanted to thank you... for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. [Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute]\nPam: No, I don't know what the future holds, but... I'm optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I... are just... too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen. But- you- that is, a, um, you know, not- A man. A man version. But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay.\nDavid: I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan.\nJim: I should leave. [pretends to get up] [they laugh]\nDavid: Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You're clearly a very bright guy.\nJim: Thanks.\nDavid: Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet-\nJim: I'm sorry, wait, so is the question 'How'd I get to be so awesome?' [laughs] Because, I don't have an answer for you. [laughs]\nDavid: Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers?\nJim: Yes, absolutely.\nDavid: And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out...\nJim: Oh, no, absolutely.\nDavid: ...that's a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he's probably the only person you're not gonna like. [Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads 'Jim, Don't forget us when you're famous! Pam' It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.] Kendall. Ugh. So, first up...\nJim: [hands David his papers] There you go.\nDavid: How do you think you function here in New York?\nJim: [not thinking clearly because of Pam's note] What's that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there's just a [sic] energy... New York has, uh... Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. [David laughs] So that's a... bonus.\nDavid: You've been in the Scranton branch a long time. [Jim stares at Pam's note] What have you liked most about that place?\nJim: [thinks] The friendships.\nDavid: Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So... long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years?\nJim: [flashback to Beach Games] How are your feet?\nPam: Medium rare. Thanks. [they laugh]\nJim: The real reason that I went to Stamford... was because... I wanted to be... not here.\nPam: I know.\nJim: And even though... I came back, I just, I feel like I've never really... come back.\nPam: Well, I wish you would.\nPam: [phone rings, Pam answers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I'll transfer you.\nPam: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him... and, if he never comes back again... that's OK. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and... But you know what? It's OK. I'm totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally- [Jim walks in]\nJim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?\nPam: Yes.\nJim: All right. Then... it's a date.\nPam: [to camera, tearing up, smiling] I'm sorry, what was the question?\nDavid: [on phone] So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughs] Great! I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.\nRyan: [on phone, smiling] I'm excited too. Okay. Bye.\nKelly: Who was that?\nRyan: [still smiling] Nobody. You and I are done.\nKelly: What?! [Ryan smiles and glances at the camera]\nDavid: Where do you see yourself in ten years?\nMichael: Well, [clears throat] I've actually done a lot of thinking about that. And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids. And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth. And, because it's the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day.\nDavid: A... multivitamin?\nMichael: Well, I don't know what it's gonna be called, but... my point is, the future of this company is now. And the future... is me.\nPhyllis: Michael, what happened?\nMichael: Jan got fired. And I realized that I could not work for a company that would fire my girlfriend. But more than that, I realized that... I couldn't take a job that would take me away from this place. This is where I belong. This is... my home. And home is where the hardest.\nOscar: Home is where the\nMichael: Heart is. That makes a lot more sense. You think they'd help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not!\nKelly: Well, if Michael gets the job, I will be so upset, because Dwight used to have a crush on me, so if he's boss, it'll be really awkward.\nPam: Mmm-hmm. [nods]\nKelly: But if Jim gets it, you should be happy, because you have a crush on him, and he totally doesn't feel the same way, and then he'll be gone.\nPam: Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens. [Kelly puts her hand on Pam's shoulder] Oh.\nKelly: Pam, he's just not that into you.\nPam: Oh, I know. We talked about it and he told me.\nKelly: No, seriously Pam, wake up.\nPam: Okay.\nPam: Kelly made me realize something. She and I have... nothing in common. And I need more friends.\nDwight: Define scorched earth policy.\nAndy: When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi...\nDwight: Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative?\nAndy: It is the source of all energy on this planet.\nDwight: Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens.\nAndy: I'm a very good interviewee. Why? Because I have something that nobody else has. And that is... my brain. Which makes me charming, witty, intelligent... [long pause] and quick on my feet.\nDwight: Who was the second man on the moon?\nAndy: Trick question. There was no second man on the moon.\nDwight: Inventor of the cotton gin.\nAndy: Eli Edison.\nDwight: Talk me through an appendectomy.\nAndy: Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn't burst and spread toxic...icity everywhere.\nDwight: Step 5, [talking over Andy, indistinct] ...the wound.\nAndy: Re-suture. Sutures, yes.\nDwight: When is the Paleolithic Age?\nAndy: 17 B.C.\nDwight: What is a scented candle?\nDwight: How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back.\nMichael: New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, [shakes head] but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he's a sophomore at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so... free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win."}
{"text": "Michael: Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning... well she bought the milk. It's soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed] This is why I do it, that's what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won't be up for a few hours.\nMichael: This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin' the sales team. I feel very blessed. [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood]\nIT Tech Guy: You know generally it's not a good idea to click on offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer?\nPam: It was for a video.\nIT Tech Guy: Yeah, what kind of video?\nPam: A celebrity sex tape.\nJim: Really, what kind of celebrity?\nPam: Not relevant.\nJim: How much did you pay for it?\nPam: Not relevant.\nJim: You paid for it?\nPam: It all happened so fast.\nJim: I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh... it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn't mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh... I'm single now and looking, so if you know anybody.\nPam: Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It's really nice to be good friends again.\nKevin: Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they're just keeping it a secret. Right? [looks at Oscar]\nOscar: I don't know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things.\nKevin: Are you kidding me?\nPam: And Sunday I'm thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in.\nJim: Oh that sounds fun. I'm mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain.\nPam: Cool.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: Well have fun with that.\nMichael: Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.\nJim: What?\nDwight: Where?\nMichael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could... And she is going to be OK.\nStanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?\nOscar: So she's really going to be fine?\nMichael: Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah... people have survived far worse.\nPam: Thank God you were there.\nMichael: Yeah.\nAndy: Did you see who did it?\nDwight: No need we can just check the security tapes.\nMichael: Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.\nJim: Who was driving?\nPam: Oh, Michael.\nJim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.\nDwight: It's only Meredith.\nMichael: Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.\nDwight: Hey... Why did you do it?\nMichael: It was an accident.\nDwight: Was she talkin' back?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?\nPam: Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we're kicking in $5 for flowers.\nKevin: Who's we, you and Jim?\nPam: No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far.\nKevin: Oh, I bet Jim goes too.\nPam: Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.\nKevin: Oh, I bet you ask?\nPam: I was planning on it.\nKevin: I bet you were.\nPam: Angela?\nOscar: [whispers to Kevin] Subtle.\nKevin: What\nPam: [to Angela] Are you coming?\nAngela: I can't, Sprinkles is sick.\nAngela: She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks... about Sprinkles.\nAngela: I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with?\nPam: Can't your other cats keep her company.\nAngela: There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques.\nPam: Angela, you're the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn't even be planning this, it's your job.\nAngela: [sighs] All right!\nMichael: My lord my liege.\nRyan: Yes Michael?\nMichael: So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?\nMichael: So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.\nRyan: Back? Why is that Michael?\nMichael: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.\nRyan: Oh! Did you do this on purpose?\nMichael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in...\nRyan: Did this happen on company property?\nMichael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so... double jeopardy, we are fine.\nRyan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.\nMichael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is: we are fine?\nRyan: [sigh]\nRyan: People keep calling me a 'Wunderkind'; I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but... it's a weird word.\nAngela: Hey D.\nDwight: Hey monkey, what's up?\nAngela: Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine.\nDwight: Sure.\nAngela: I have to visit the alchy.\nDwight: Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp.\nAngela: I wouldn't put it past her.\nDwight: So what do you need me to do?\nAngela: I wrote it out.\nDwight: Mm-hmm.\nAngela: There's a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don't shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um... and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten. And, oh and there's a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail.\nMichael: Ok, I have an announcement.\nOscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?\nMichael: No.\nPhyllis: You shot Dwight?\nMichael: No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.\nJim: Oh good, so we don't have to work.\nPam: OK, we're leaving for the hospital at 1.\nMichael: So, like a freedom tree.\nPam: I can take 3 people.\nJim: I can also take 3 people.\nOscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars.\nMichael: Pam.\nPam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.\nMichael: Pam.\nPam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch.\nMichael: Ok, good good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch.\nPam: I...\nMichael: Excellent!\nPam: I was thinking that we...\nMichael: Good work Pam.\nPam: But...\nMichael: Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?\nStanley: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.\nMichael: Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!\nMichael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.\nMichael: Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel.\nKelly: She looks awful.\nMichael: No... OK, she always looks like that... That is not my fault.\nJim: I think she's awake.\nMichael: No... She's in a coma.\nNurse: No.\nMichael: OK... Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear.\nMeredith: At the same time.\nMichael: Yeah.\nStanley: Hello Meredith.\nMeredith: This is weird.\nMichael: Brought you some balloons. Why don't we... here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes... [IV pops out] Oh! Shhhh... For God's sake!\nKevin: Whoa!\nMichael: Nurse.\nMeredith: No don't bother the nurse, just put it back in.\nMichael: [groaning] I am going to be sick... I'm gonna puke.\nJim: I wouldn't... I wouldn't worry about it. Don't touch it.\nNurse: What, what are you doing? Just gimme that.\nMeredith: Thanks.\nKevin: [applauds]\nPhyllis: Does it hurt terribly?\nMeredith: No, it's not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers.\nCreed: Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What...\nMeredith: I have no idea.\nCreed: Oh. [laughs]\nMeredith: Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I'll see you guys at the office.\nMichael: Oh, OK... Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.\nMeredith: Michael, I'm not gonna do that.\nMichael: Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.\nAngela: No, that's not. That's next to cleanliness.\nMichael: Well, just shhhh... just just...\nMeredith: You cracked my pelvis\nMichael: Look, I just... I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug.\nMeredith: You're not forgiven.\nMichael: Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.\nPam: Michael! Michael!\nMeredith: [screams]\nMichael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.\nAngela: Hey.\nDwight: Hey monkey.\nAngela: Any problems?\nDwight: Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.\nAngela: What!?\nDwight: Sparkles, the white one, is dead.\nAngela: Sprinkles.\nDwight: That was the sick one, right?\nAngela: Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time.\nDwight: No.\nAngela: Did she look... When you saw her how was she looking?\nDwight: Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat.\nAngela: [sobbing]\nDwight: So... Hey come on, don't be sad, just... OK... just. She's in a better place.\nAngela: Alright.\nDwight: Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor.\nAngela: [still sobbing]\nPam: [to Angela] It's gonna be OK.\nMichael: OK, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let's just...\nPam: Michael, Angela's cat died.\nMichael: Sprinkles?\nAngela: [nods]\nMichael: [sighs] Oh, sh... I'm sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then... Sprinkles! God, that's 3 things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it.\nMichael: Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but... I'm... I am a little-stitious.\nMichael: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?\nOscar: Like what?\nMichael: Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us?\nToby: No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo's Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so... uh, I got a week of free pies.\nPam: That's cool.\nToby: Yeah.\nMichael: Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.\nAngela: Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish.\nDwight: She's only a cat.\nAngela: You never... you don't like them.\nDwight: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.\nOscar: Dwight please!\nMichael: Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you?\nDwight: No, I have not.\nMichael: Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects.\nDwight: I do not respect her, but I will go.\nMichael: Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.\nToby: Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs...\nMichael: Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.\nToby: Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs.\nMichael: Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.\nStanley: I'm... um, Catholic.\nMichael: OK.\nDarryl: Presbyterian.\nMichael: Alright.\nPam: Oh me too.\nDarryl: Oh?\nPam: [puts hand up for high five] Same religion.\nDarryl: Alright! [high fives Pam]\nPhyllis: I'm a Lutheran and Bob's a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.\nAngela: That's why we're cursed.\nCreed: I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.\nMichael: Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.\nKelly: That's Buddhist.\nMichael: Are you sure?\nKelly: No.\nMichael: What are you?\nIT Tech Guy: Well if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion then I'm Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.\nMichael: OK, 1 Sikh, and...\nDwight: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical.\nDwight: Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.\nMeredith: Don't pull any plugs.\nIntern: How are you doing Ms. Palmer?\nMeredith: Better.\nIntern: Excellent.\nDwight: Are you a doctor, or a male nurse?\nIntern: Um... I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor, but...\nDwight: Pfft... Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one.\nIntern: Ah, so uh... so that is where her uterus went... Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?\nMeredith: Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head.\nDwight: Just doing my job.\nIntern: It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?\nMeredith: And a rat. Separate occasions.\nMichael: You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense... God is dead.\nKelly: If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now.\nMichael: Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the body of a porcupine.\nJim: I will do some research.\nPam: I can help you with that.\nDwight: So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine.\nMichael: Oh God, Rabies?\nDwight: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?\nDwight: No, no. You've gotta be bitten by something.\nMichael: This place is so cursed.\nDwight: Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in... Lock jaw.\nMichael: [walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.\nJim: Six of one, really.\nMichael: Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! [Kevin claps] Oh... there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished.\nMichael: Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?\nKevin: [Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying] Oh well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What - A - Waste!\nPam: [Pam's car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road] I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. [Jim gets into the passenger side] Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. [Jim leans over and kisses Pam] Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.\nPam: Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.\nMichael: Pro-Am.\nPam: Pro-Am race for the... They hung up.\nMichael: A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.\nStanley: [on the phone] No, rabies... Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime?\nMichael: Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far?\nStanley: Zero.\nMichael: Come on man, gotta step it up! It's for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00.\nAndy: Isn't that your money?\nMichael: That... is for a good cause. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming?\nPhyllis: Oh, it's coming.\nMichael: Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.\nKevin: Michael?\nMichael: Yes.\nKevin: You cannot make me run.\nMichael: OK. [walks away]\nKevin: It is not a real charity. It's stupid Michael, and I'm not gonna do it.\nMichael: Alright, alright.\nKevin: You didn't run for me...\nMichael: Shhh...\nKevin: ...when I thought I had skin cancer.\nMichael: I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.\nKevin: No.\nMichael: OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields... And I was a peasant.\nKevin: I just don't want to run. I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes.\nMichael: Well, you're going to have to run, or you're going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore.\nAndy: [in bathroom] I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So... I take precautions. [tapes a cotton ball to each nipple]\nAndy: Hey Angela. Hey, um... I'm sorry about your cat. [Angela starts to cry]\nAngela: This is Sprinkles. [holds up a picture] She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, [picture of Angela holding Sprinkles] just a couple of kittens [starts to cry] out on the town.\nAngela: Pssst. I'm having relationship problems. And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you'd be able to give me some advice.\nPam: What's wrong?\nAngela: I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat.\nPam: Hmm...\nAngela: When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds.\nPam: Ah.\nAngela: Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy.\nPam: Angela, I'm sorry.\nAngela: Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?\nPam: I'm more of a dog person.\nAngela: [sighs]\nJim: So what's your strategy for this race?\nPam: Well I'm gonna start fast.\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nPam: Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle.\nJim: What?\nPam: Then I'm gonna end fast.\nJim: Why won't more people do that? [laughs]\nPam: Cause they're just stupid.\nJim: [looks at camera] What?\nJim: [Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv] Oh, ah... No that's not... I mean that wasn't, ah...\nPam: Yeah... That was um...\nJim: I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh... How it looks like um... I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um... anything.\nPam: Yeah, I gave him a ride home because...\nJim: Right!\nPam: ... We're dating.\nJim: Wow! There it is.\nPam: Ah, yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great. [looks at Jim] Right?\nJim: It is going really great.\nDwight: [Angela runs into Dwight] Oww!\nAngela: Shut up.\nDwight: You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.\nAngela: Oh, really?\nDwight: [sighs] You'll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression.\nAngela: [pushes her chair into Dwight's legs] I'm not depressed I'm in grief.\nMichael: We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um... when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?\nPam: Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but... What do you think Michael, that's over 25% of our funds?\nMichael: Hmm... That's a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So...\nJim: Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.\nPam: Giant check it is.\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Yep.\nDwight: Well I don't know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control.\nJim: Bat birth control\nDwight: Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that's what you told me when I contributed.\nMichael: You didn't contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how's that been going?\nPam: Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check.\nJim: Which we are.\nPam: And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.\nMichael: What about a rabies nurse?\nPam: I don't think so.\nJim: You know what though, I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events.\nMichael: That's possible. Look into that.\nJim: Great, it's gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah... oh actually more with tips.\nDwight: Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith's son.\nMichael: Have you met that kid? He's not going to college.\nPam: Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. [knocks]\nMichael: Come in.\nPam: Hey.\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey\nPam: Oh my God.\nMichael: What are you doing?\nPam: You said come in!\nMichael: No I didn't, just please don't...\nPam: Oh my God.\nPam: So I closed the door but the image of his...\nJim: Baquette.\nPam: ... dangling participle...\nJim: Eww.\nPam: ... still burned in my eyes.\nJim: I can imagine.\nPam: [Michael knocks slowly on door] Come in.\nMichael: May I enter the room?\nPam: Yes. Or come in.\nMichael: See how I did that. That's the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.\nJim: You couldn't have taken off all your clothes in the men's room?\nMichael: Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that.\nPam: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark.\nMichael: European offices are naked all the time.\nPam: They're so not.\nMichael: Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so...\nPam: I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended.\nJim: [sighs] Gross.\nMichael: That's not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it's not fair to people with rabies. And that's the point, right? OK, let's go have some fun.\nJim: Alright.\nPam: They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat.\nJim: [naked from chest up] Oh, I'm sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach?\nJan: OK, name please.\nCreed: Creed Bratton, 75 plus division.\nJan: You're over 75 years old?\nCreed: 82 November first. How much is the prize money?\nJan: There's no prize money.\nCreed: What, is any of this real?\nMichael: Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I'm Toby, I'm stretching, I know what I'm doing. Why is he even here?\nJan: So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.\nPam: What? Look, no it was not...\nJan: I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, OK? So hands off.\nMichael: OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three... too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something... Darryl what are you doing.\nDarryl: [feeding a squirrel] I'm giving him a peanut.\nMichael: No, don't give him... just, did you hear anything I said?\nDarryl: Look how happy he is.\nMichael: He's happy because he's insane. You know what, that's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where's the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse's outfit] This is the reason we're here.\nElizabeth: Hello Michael.\nMichael: Oh hey, I know you... Elizabeth?\nElizabeth: Yeah.\nMichael: Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands.\nElizabeth: Great. [everyone claps]\nMichael: You got it?\nDwight: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load.\nMichael: Just remember folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing.\nDwight: On your marks, get set...\nMichael: [pulls Toby's pants down] Beow!\nToby: Hey! [extremely loud gunshot]\nMichael: On your left!\nOscar: You're doing great Michael, look at you go!\nCreed: That's my boss! Yeah-ha baby!\nMichael: I am fast! I'm very fast! I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab]\nStanley: Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.\nAndy: I've walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. [running right behind Kevin]\nPam: Yeah. [laughs] Oh we're in last place.\nJim: Oh, would you look at that.\nPam: Darn it.\nJan: Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Water babe?\nMichael: No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water... solidarity!\nJan: Michael that's irrational.\nMichael: Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.\nAndy: Oh God! My nipples, it's starting.\nCreed: [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table] Can we get another round?\nWaitress: OK.\nCreed: Thanks.\nStanley: So we've got what, another 20 minutes?\nOscar: More or less.\nStanley: Hmmm...\nMichael: That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.\nDwight: You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.\nMichael: [laughs] Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?\nToby: I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today.\nJim: Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?\nPam: I don't know I'm really committed to winning.\nJim: OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured.\nPam: Mmm... Yes.\nJim: That's what I thought.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Right. Let's do some good.\nRyan: [Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... [Pam's voice] [You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race... [Michael's voice] for the cure... [Pam's voice] leave a message' Ryan hangs up]\nMichael: [Burp] Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch. [groans]\nAndy: [runs into the back of Kevin] Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.\nKevin: Back off me.\nDwight: How ya feeling, better?\nAngela: No.\nDwight: Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat.\nAngela: The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.\nDwight: I am a farmer Angela.\nAngela: What does that mean?\nDwight: OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.\nAngela: You did kill her!?\nDwight: I... I sang her, her favorite songs.\nAngela: You put her in my freezer.\nDwight: It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.\nAngela: Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.\nDwight: Well I'm not responsible for that!\nAngela: You! [hits Dwight]\nDwight: Hey, Oww! [looks around to onlookers] It's OK.\nAngela: It's OK.\nDwight: It's nothing, I'm robbing her.\nAngela: It's nothing.\nDwight: It's fine. What?\nAngela: How could you do that without telling me?\nDwight: I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how.\nAngela: Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.\nDwight: I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good.\nAngela: You don't understand.\nMichael: [runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit.\nDwight: Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?\nAngela: Don't touch me Dwight! [runs off crying]\nPam: [holding lamp] You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00.\nJim: Oh, and I get to carry it.\nToby: [crosses finish line] And the winner is Toby Flenderson.\nKelly: Have a seat, I'll write it down.\nToby: Where are we?\nKelly: I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.\nToby: He couldn't have made it a circle?\nMichael: [bent over] I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line]\nJim: ...talk about it.\nPam: Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?\nJim: What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or...\nMichael: I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just...\nJim: Well, you're probably dehydrated.\nMichael: What do you want me to do Jim?\nJim: Glass of water would be a start.\nMichael: No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins.\nJim: Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.\nPam: I'm still having a nice day.\nJim: You are?\nPam: Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00.\nMichael: That's a good deal.\nPam: And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much.\nMichael: Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.\nPam: Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping.\nMichael: You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference.\nPam: I know you Michael, I saw you naked.\nMichael: You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no!\nMichael: Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.\nMeredith: Hey Michael.\nMichael: Hey Mer. How ya doing?\nMeredith: Better.\nMichael: It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.\nMeredith: I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore.\nMichael: Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth] Wanna share?\nMeredith: Sure.\nMichael: I'm not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Nah, I'm good.\nMichael: Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?\nAndy: Ay-o!\nJim: I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM?\nMichael: Well...\nPhyllis: That's despicable.\nPam: Michael.\nSomeone: That's not cool.\nOscar: There's no proof of that.\nMichael: That's not...\nKevin: That seems early, even for her.\nMichael: That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting.\nMeredith: Drunk? No! You can't get drunk off Kahlua. It's just a kind of coffee.\nAndy: Then... what are you saying?\nMichael: I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that?\nJim: Definitely not.\nKevin: That'd be DUI.\nPhyllis: That's...\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don't know whose fault it was. I wasn't exactly looking at the road.\nPam: Hey, Toby. [walks past him to Kelly's cubicle]\nToby: Hey.\nPam: Kelly, we're going to visit Meredith at lunch. [Kelly's lying down on floor, head unseen under desk. She rolls to her side, away from Pam] Kelly?\nToby: Well, Kelly's been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can't even talk. [grins]\nKelly: [from under desk] I don't want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please, go away!\nAngela: They don't have this kind of technology at the vet's. It's not far.\nOscar: It's fair.\nMichael: You know what, why don't go around the room and say one memory of Meredith. I'll start. I liked her jumpers. They reminded me of Kindergarten. Jim?\nKevin: I'll always remember Meredith's back. That's all I can see from my desk. All that red hair, over a nice strong back. Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top, and he's going to turn around and tell a joke.\nAndy: So, how's the view old girl? [looking out windows] Oh! There's a cemetery. You think that's affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature...\nMichael: Hey! Okay, okay, okay, You can just close that.\nAngela: Bye, Meredith. Here you go. We got you some balloons.\nMeredith: See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he's talking, Creed takes Meredith's pills]\nMichael: Let's just... Why can't you just forgive... Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off? How do you know that you weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?\nMeredith: Oh please, Michael.\nMichael: I'm not going to leave until you forgive me.\nMeredith: You're gonna be here a\nMichael: [standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay.\nMeredith: Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you.\nNurse: There you go.\nMeredith: There's nothing in here.\nMichael: This office is cursed. [sighs] And we need to do something about it.\nJim: Conference room?\nMichael: Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex. I'm just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed. Conference room, 10 minutes.\nMichael: On the one hand, it's a relief to know that it's not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown.\nDwight: Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?\nMichael: We have to have done something wrong.\nStanley: You ran over an employee.\nMichael: That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse.\nDwight: Mmm. [nods]\nMichael: Oscar, are you Santaria?\nOscar: I was raised Catholic, but I'm agnostic now, so I guess I'm a secular humanist.\nMichael: Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting.\nOscar: Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?\nMichael: Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.\nOscar: Oh.\nMichael: Stupid.\nDwight: My cousin Mose's best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose's cream pies. Did I feel bad for killing him? No. That's how you deal with a thief.\nMichael: Yeah, the, uh, the charity's having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That's actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Ranch with Newman's Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make... I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won't do it.\nMichael: Whoa, 'scuse me! Oh!\nBob Vance: Let... let's pick it up, Phyllis!\nMichael: Oh, slow! Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob] You guys are going so slow...\nPhyllis: Go get him Bobby!\nMichael: Come on, I'm going backwards.\nPhyllis: Sic him!\nMichael: Oh, all right! All right! All right! All right!\nPhyllis: Sic him!\nMichael: Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting]\nPediatrician: You're gonna be just fine, Michael! You're gonna have a good life.\nMichael: Thanks.\nPediatrician: Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine.\nPediatrician: I'm Michael's pediatrician. Dehydration's pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a... a water bottle.\nMichael: Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um... I kinda wish I'd been hit by a car.\nMichael: Hey, doc? You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael] Thank you."}
{"text": "Pam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: I gotcha one. [Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim]\nJim: Oh wow, thank you.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: I'm just gonna grab some chips, you want some?\nPam: No. Thanks... uh we're still having lunch today, right?\nJim: I guess. [Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek] How dare you.\nMichael: Hey Toby. What's this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff]\nToby: Ohh.\nMichael: [reads memo] I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.\nToby: Yes, uh some people in the office have complained...\nMichael: Oh really.\nToby: ...about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know [Michael leans in closer to Toby] I just wanted to remind it's not appropriate to, to do that.\nMichael: Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight...\nToby: Ok, look the memo is not about you...\nAngela: [to everyone in the room] For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity.\nToby: Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So...\nMichael: [turns to address Jim and Pam] No way.\nDwight: What?\nPhyllis: You guys are together?\nJim: Ummm... yup. Yes, we are.\nMichael: Woooah! Wow!\nAndy: Tuna!\nMichael: Awesome!\nKevin: I knew it!\nMichael: You guys! Yes! Yes!\nPam: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?\nToby: Yes.\nMichael: Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] OK, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim's hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one.\nJim: Actually, we've been dating for a couple months.\nMichael: I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim]\nJim: Ohh.. [Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings]\nPam: Phone's ringing. [goes back toward desk]\nMichael: No, no, no Pam let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is [starts to well up] really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest.\nDwight: I don't see it. I think they both could do better.\nAngela: It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.\nAndy: Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?\nMichael: Hey. Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.\nPhyllis: Did you plan it?\nMichael: No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it]\nPam: [reading from paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?\nMichael: Blowing up balloons I thought.\nPam: You might want to trim it a little.\nPhyllis: Michael... [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress]\nKelly: [reading sign] Oh, is... Ryan coming back today?\nPam: Yeah, he is.\nKelly: Oh.\nMichael: Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.\nAngela: What do you want?\nDwight: To give you this [reveals a cat from under a coat].\nAngela: Oh, what is that?\nDwight: It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.\nAngela: Her name was Sprinkles.\nDwight: And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. [shakes cat] Don't you Garbage? [makes chomping noises]\nAngela: I can't believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she's even in the ground.\nDwight: You haven't buried her yet?\nAngela: Don't rush me. I'm grieving.\nDwight: Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he's a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. [holds cat towards Angela] Look at him.\nAngela: I don't want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! [walks away]\nPam: Hey Toby.\nToby: Hey... [sees both Jim and Pam] you two.\nJim: Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those 'we're dating' things for the company.\nToby: Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know [makes quotes with fingers] relationships, so... if, if this is just a casual thing, there's no need, really.\nJim: Oh.\nPam: Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but, it's like pretty official. [Jim smiles]\nToby: Uh huh.\nJim: Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or...?\nToby: Let's just wait and see what happens. [whispers] You know?\nJim: What?\nToby: Let's just wait.\nJim: Oh, OK.\nPam: OK.\nJim: Great. [Jim and Pam walk away]\nPam: [sees Ryan coming through door] Hey Ryan. Welcome back -\nRyan: Hold on one second. [Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds] Hey Pam! It's great to see you. Is Michael in?\nMichael: Hey!\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: There he is! There he is! He's back! And he's with a beard. [laughing] He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I'm Tubs.\nRyan: OK. Should we get started?\nMichael: Ohh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm..\nRyan: Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting.\nMichael: ...business meeting -\nKevin: [rubbing hands in Ryan's hair] Fire!\nRyan: Stop that! Stop that!\nMichael: That's right! That's right!\nRyan: [to Kevin] You scared me.\nMichael: Fire guy. Don't start any fires, Ryan.\nAndy: Fire guy [makes flames with his hands]\nKevin: You weren't here for that.\nAndy: Here for what?\nKevin: When he started the fire.\nMichael: Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man...\nKevin: Little old man boy.\nRyan: Michael and everybody, umm...\nMichael: Beard.\nKevin: Bearded man boy.\nRyan: ...let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect. I am your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan.\nMichael: Oh, wow!\nRyan: So...\nMichael: That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way.\nRyan: OK...\nMichael: Woooo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.\nRyan: Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand?\nMichael: Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let's get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] 10 minutes?\nRyan: Perfect.\nMichael: Sounds good. OK, alright.\nMichael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, 'Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.' His words.\nRyan: Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains.\nJim: Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it. [Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading 'Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!']\nRyan: This is a massive overhaul. We're getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use.\nMichael: OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.\nRyan: I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight?\nDwight: What if we don't want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?\nRyan: This is company-wide, Dwight.\nDwight: Got it. [Andy's hand goes up]\nRyan: Andy.\nAndy: We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together?\nRyan: Any other questions? [Kelly's hand goes up] Kelly Kapoor.\nKelly: Can we speak privately about our relationship?\nRyan: Thank you everybody.\nMichael: Ryan Howard everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave]\nCreed: That's some fun stuff. When does the website go up?\nRyan: As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system.\nCreed: Cool beans.\nCreed: We're screwed.\nMichael: Who is?\nCreed: Us? You and me. The old timers.\nMichael: I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.\nCreed: You're over 40, that's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I'm telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.\nJim: Swore I wouldn't tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months.\nPam: No.. [in awe]\nJim: Swear to God. [Pam shakes her head]. Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun.\nPam: No, they have been dating for like two years. [Jim in shock] Since before your barbeque.\nJim: Wait. What? [Pam nods her head] You knew? And you didn't say anything?\nPam: You didn't say anything to me?\nJim: Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago.\nPam: Can you believe that...\nPhyllis: Sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here.\nJim: Oh no, we're just sitting here.\nPhyllis: I couldn't see your hands. [Jim shakes his hands] Hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week, OK?\nPam: OK.\nPhyllis: OK.\nJim: OK.\nJim: And... that is why we waited so long to tell people.\nRyan: OK, what's up?\nMichael: Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?\nRyan: Well it is business, but not as usual.\nMichael: Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no?\nRyan: No. [shaking head] We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system.\nMichael: Good, so, we're on the same page?\nRyan: No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself.\nMichael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.\nRyan: So, how are you?\nKelly: Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys.\nRyan: Good.\nKelly: A lot. Black guys mostly.\nRyan: Kelly...\nKelly: What?!\nPhyllis: Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time?\nStanley: I don't know.\nPhyllis: Did you even try?\nStanley: If the kid wants to set mine up, I'll let him.\nPhyllis: I can't see half of the things. [adjusts glasses]\nStanley: It's too little. Use the phone.\nKelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want.\nRyan: Kelly, I'm your boss now, OK? You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend.\nKelly: Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don't think you ever cared about me.\nRyan: I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship.\nKelly: Well, I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant.\nKelly: [shaking head]\nKelly: And guess what buddy, [points at Ryan] I am keeping it.\nRyan: OK. OK.\nKelly: Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby?\nRyan: I can... I can't talk about this right now, OK? After work, we'll go out to dinner, we'll talk about it then, OK?\nKelly: We have a date!\nDwight: Hello.\nAngela: Hello, Dwight. I've been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight?\nDwight: Really?\nAngela: Yes.\nDwight: I'll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side.\nAngela: I would prefer a public place. See you after work.\nJan: Hi, Pam.\nPam: Hi.\nJan: Is Michael in?\nPam: In his office. You can go right in.\nJan: [to Ryan] Hey.\nRyan: Jan.\nJan: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan.\nRyan: So elephant in the room, I have your old job.\nJan: Well, not exactly my job... I had a different title.\nRyan: Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities.\nJan: Different salary. [laughs] You'll get there, don't worry.\nRyan: Well... you look great.\nJan: Thank you, thank you.\nRyan: Scranton suits you.\nJan: Best decision I ever made.\nRyan: You were let go.\nJan: You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. [goes into Michael's office]\nMichael: Hey.\nJan: Hey.\nMichael: [holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?\nJan: What?\nMichael: I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.\nJan: So, what's Ryan doing here?\nMichael: Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people.\nJan: He's such a snake.\nMichael: Well...\nJan: I hope he's gets hit with an ageism suit.\nMichael: What is that... word?\nJan: Ageism? Companies they can't discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off.\nMichael: So older people have just as many rights as younger people?\nJan: Yes, Michael, they do.\nOscar: Creed?\nCreed: Yes, sir.\nOscar: Everything OK? [Creed has made his hair jet black]\nCreed: Everything's cool, dude.\nCreed: I'm thirty. Well, in November I'll be thirty.\nRyan: Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here.\nPam: Michael told us to wait in here. We don't know why.\nRyan: [notices pictures on the wall] Ohh... man.\nMichael: Good, we're all here, we can get started.\nRyan: Michael.\nMichael: Have a seat.\nRyan: We're not doing this today.\nMichael: Have a seat. Like everybody else.\nRyan: OK. This is...\nMichael: Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also... illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.\nToby: Technically, he's right.\nMichael: Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much?\nCreed: Because they're lame.\nMichael: No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like 'where's the Beef?' [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Yeah.\nJim: Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot.\nPam: Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.\nMichael: I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone.\nPam: Oh. [man enters conference room]\nRobert Dunder: Michael Scott?\nMichael: [puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [They shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in]\nDwight: Oh, yeah. Yes!\nRobert Dunder: Thank you everyone.\nRyan: Michael, [gets up] can I talk to you a second?\nMichael: Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] 'Scuse me. [closes door]\nRyan: We have actual work to do.\nMichael: Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other]\nMichael: Bob, how old are you?\nRobert Dunder: I'm 87.\nMichael: Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?\nRobert Dunder: Well, I, I, I haven't been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy.\nMichael: Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you.\nDwight: I'm gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.\nRobert Dunder: I started this company in 1949.\nMichael: Wow.\nRobert Dunder: Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction.\nMichael: Oh, boy.\nRobert Dunder: And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later... Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club.\nMichael: Great.\nRobert Dunder: And he was, he was [starts laughing] at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm... uhh... Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys.\nMichael: Great.\nRobert Dunder: And...\nMichael: That's great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering him out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?\nRobert Dunder: Well I, I, I came here in a cab.\nMichael: Perfect. [starts closing the door]\nRobert Dunder: Well, cou, could you get me another... [Michael closes door]\nMichael: Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand]\nPam: I think that I should help him get home.\nMichael: No, No. Don't help him. He doesn't need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] What a nice guy.\nMichael: Good night guys. [staff leaves the office]\nRyan: Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.\nMichael: I disagree, I think it was very valuable.\nRyan: Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving.\nMichael: I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.\nRyan: Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. [Michael retreats back to office] [to Kelly] Where do you wanna go?\nKelly: You know, some place romantic and expensive.\nRyan: Kelly, come on.\nKelly: You know what, you're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. [Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit]\nDwight: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?\nAngela: Very much. How's your meat?\nDwight: Dry. Delicious.\nAngela: I heard a joke today.\nDwight: Oh, that's funny.\nAngela: Yes, it was.\nDwight: Are you enjoying your mineral water?\nAngela: I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body.\nDwight: Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here [points to middle of forehead above the eyes], it's an old sales trick.\nAngela: I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could.\nDwight: No, please don't do this, monkey.\nAngela: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. [gets up and leaves restaurant]\nToby: Hey guys. This is my, uh, girlfriend, Amy.\nPam: Hi.\nJim: Hey, Amy. How ya doing?\nPam: Nice to meet you.\nJim: [under his breath] Nice to meet you.\nToby: [gesturing to the rest of the office] This is everybody else... okay... This is the place... so thanks for the lift.\nAmy: Yeah, sure. I'll, uh, I'll see you tonight, right?\nToby: Absolutely. [Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time, Pam and Jim are shocked]\nAmy: Whoa. Easy tiger.\nToby: I just really like you.\nAmy: Okay. Bye guys. Nice to meet you.\nToby: Have a great day!\nPam: Whoa, Toby. Watch out. You're going to violate your own PDA memo.\nToby: I wouldn't want to do that now would I?\nMichael: Smell that. Do you smell that?\nDwight: Dry rot?\nMichael: No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer.\nAndy: Mmhmm, sweet, chocolate turtles.\nMichael: Yes, no! No, those are for our clients. Actually, our exclients. I'll explain, later.\nMichael: Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IM's, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attatched to baskets of food.\nDwight: Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these reciepts for these gift basket items.\nAngela: Thank you.\nDwight: You're welcome.\nAngela: Is that all?\nDwight: Yes... [whispers] I miss you.\nAngela: Elevators.\nAngela: Dwight, you have to listen to me! We are not seeing each other anymore! Can you accept that?\nDwight: Fine. [sighs] Then I just want to be friends.\nAngela: Good.\nDwight: Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.\nAngela: [walks away]\nKelly: I don't understand what the big deal is.\nRyan: You don't?\nKelly: No!\nRyan: You lied about being pregnant.\nKelly: Right, so?\nRyan: You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry?\nKelly: No!\nRyan: We're never getting back together.\nKelly: Why not?\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Alright I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone?\nPam: It's funny you bring that up because yes it is.\nJim: I knew it. Oh man, just like that huh?\nPam: I think... I mean, I don't know what it is but...\nJim: Be honest.\nPam: I now find you repulsive.\nJim: That's honest. [sighs] Alright, fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted though, wasn't it?\nPam: Eh...\nJim: For me, it was.\nPam: OK.\nJim: Alright.\nMichael: Hey boss, I didn't know you were coming in today.\nRyan: What's, uh, going on here?\nMichael: I am glad that you asked, listen up everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back.\nRyan: With gift baskets.\nMichael: With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt because you know what? That's what people like.\nMichael: Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. 'You can't be on the team', 'You can't move on to second grade'. Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods. [shakes head] We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class.\nMichael: OK. We're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me Andy.\nStanley: I'm not driving with him. [points at Dwight]\nAndy: I'll go with you Stanley.\nStanley: Or him.\nJim: Why don't we just go by ourselves?\nMichael: Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship?\nPhyllis: Michael.\nMichael: Yes?\nPhyllis: This is stupid.\nMichael: OK, that's not helpful Phyllis.\nPhyllis: How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back?\nMichael: Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve.\nAndy: What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever.\nJim: What about a gift basket full of cash?\nAndy: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna.\nMichael: Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. [walks toward the door]\nDwight: Michael, wait. Let me go.\nMichael: No, this is my quest.\nDwight: Please, let me go. I need to win those clients back. [camera moves around and zooms in at Angela's face] Please.\nMichael: Fine. Then God speed. To both of us.\nRyan: Good luck Michael.\nMichael: We don't need luck.\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: But thank you, that was really nice of you to say.\nDwight: Thank you.\nMichael: Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.\nRyan: [speaking on the phone] Yes, I understand that David. I just felt that if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India which a lot of companies... Yeah, no, yes Kelly is Indian... I understand that's confusing.\nCreed: [looks at vending machine] Hey brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater.\nDwight: [in Michael's car] Sweet ride, American made. What happened to the Sebring?\nMichael: It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.\nDwight: Ah, that's a pain in the ass.\nMichael: I know. So who's next?\nDwight: Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot.\nGPS: Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidence will begin.\nDwight: Why do you use that thing? Let's them know where you are at all times.\nMichael: Who?\nDwight: The government, spy satellites, private detectives... exgirlfriends. [sobs and then starts to cry]\nRyan: Next night, I'm out, at a bar, 2 AM, I figure I'll get a sandwich because you can get a sandwich any time of the night. [claps hands] I run into Vince Vaughn.\nKevin: No way!\nRyan: Literally.\nAndy: Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do.\nRyan: ... Later guys.\nKevin: Yeah, later dude.\nAndy: Later man.\nKevin: Oh, Jim! How awesome is Ryan now?\nJim: Yeah, he's definitely something.\nKevin: What does that mean?\nJim: That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing?\nAndy: Ha! Tuna... [inhales deeply] Tuna Tuna Tuna.\nKevin: Tuna Tuna Tuna.\nAndy: He has a killer job, he's rich, he smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like, he wears really cool rich guy clothes.\nKevin: And he can get any girl that he wants.\nAndy: So, sorry Tuna but if you don't know why that's awesome... then... you need awesome lessons.\nKevin: Tuna. Check you later.\nMichael: [places the gift basket on top of the table] Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps?\nLarry Myers: You know we closed our account with you right?\nMichael: Yes we do.\nLarry Myers: We're with Office Depot now.\nDwight: Yes, yes we know but we just have not gotten over you.\nMichael: Well...\nDwight: And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service, the very best personal business relationship we can if you ever decide to come back to us.\nMichael: Mmhmm.\nLarry Myers: OK. I don't think we're coming back.\nDwight: Please, come back.\nMichael: OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch.\nDwight: Remember what we had Larry?\nLarry Myers: I mean, really it's about money.\nMichael: Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket.\nLarry Myers: OK thanks.\nMichael: Alright.\nLarry Myers: I mean their website is really easy to use too. That's a big deal for us.\nMichael: [driving] That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?\nDwight: I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable.\nMichael: That is true.\nDwight: Like Angela in accounting.\nMichael: Yes, she is nuts.\nDwight: Ugh... no, she's wonderful... at accounting. But she drives me crazy.\nGPS: Make the next right turn.\nMichael: How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive.\nRyan: Hey Pam. I haven't settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know you're into graphic design. Do you want to give it a shot? Maybe try and deisgn the logo?\nPam: Uh totally.\nRyan: Cool, that would be great. Um, can you do a couple mock ups and I'll take a look?\nPam: Yeah.\nRyan: Thank you very much.\nPam: Thank you.\nRyan: Cool.\nPam: OK.\nPam: Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock ups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some... splash frames. [laughs] I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm excited.\nMichael: And the last guy says 'No, hairy body'.\nEx-client: You know I have heard it before.\nMichael: Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing?\nEx-client: She's great, thanks for asking. Great memory.\nMichael: She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider.\nEx-client: Oh, OK.\nMichael: OK, OK! So you'll reconsider?\nEx-client: OK thanks for the goodies.\nMichael: Ah... .is that all you have to say?\nEx-client: It looks delicious? I don't know.\nDwight: You don't know?\nMichael: Look, we want you back.\nEx-client: Can you offer lower prices?\nMichael: Well, no.\nEx-client: Then we're not coming back.\nDwight: He's not coming back, it's over Michael.\nMichael: No it's not.\nEx-client: No he's right.\nDwight: Accept it, why would he come back?\nMichael: Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us.\nDwight: That's not gonna change his mind. He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it.\nMichael: Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier.\nEx-client: Oh, OK. Well when it's up, I'll check it out, and if it really cuts costs maybe we'll come back.\nMichael: Great, the magic of the gift basket.\nEx-client: That I don't care about as much. Let me know when the site's up.\nMichael: OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic.\nGPS: Proceed straight.\nDwight: [in Michael's car] Well we're O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake, on the southeast side.\nMichael: I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing.\nDwight: That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you.\nMichael: That is a very good point, Dwight.\nGPS: Make a right turn.\nDwight: Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right, up there.\nMichael: No, it said right, it said take a right.\nDwight: No no no, look, it means go up to the right, bare right, over the bridge and hook up with 307.\nMichael: Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right. [turns right]\nDwight: It can't mean that! There's a lake there!\nMichael: The machine knows where it is going!\nDwight: This is the lake!\nMichael: The machine knows- stop yelling at me!\nDwight: No, it's- there's no road here! [car drives into lake]\nDwight: Remain calm! I have trained for this! [unfastens seat belt] Okay, exit the window! [Dwight and Michael exit through the window] Here we go! Look out for leeches! [swims toward Michael] Are you okay?! Swim for it! I got you! [Dwight grabs onto Michael while Michael opens the back door for the camera man] Michael! Michael!\nMichael: Let go, let go of me!\nDwight: I got you, I got you! [Michael and Dwight reach the ground]\nMichael: [watching car get pulled from lake] You sure you're OK?\nDwight: Fine.\nMichael: Good, that is what's most important.\nDwight: Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this.\nMichael: What a disaster, this whole thing.\nDwight: I'll call a cab. [brings out cell phone]\nMichael: These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it.\nDwight: Look at that, still works. Old fashioned cell phone.\nMichael: What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. 'I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy'. Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us.\nDwight: [speaking on the cell phone] Yes, we need a cab at Lake Scranton, at the end of East Mountain Road, in the lake.\nMichael: Hang up. [Dwight hangs up] You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket!\nDwight: Yes!\nMichael: We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand!\nDwight: Take a stand!\nPam: So place it on the infinity thing without being obvious, you know? I'd love to do like a color version just to bring a little color to the logo.\nRyan: I like it a lot. It's clear and subtle at the same time. It's really good, you have a real talent for this stuff.\nPam: Thanks.\nRyan: I'd love to talk to you about it more.\nPam: That'd be great.\nRyan: Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?\nPam: Oh... is it...\nRyan: Wear something nice.\nPam: No...\nRyan: What?\nPam: Um...\nRyan: I just... I just wanted to have dinner.\nPam: I'm uh, I'm dating Jim.\nRyan: You're kidding?\nPam: We're together.\nRyan: That's... great, I... that's awesome.\nPam: Yeah, great.\nRyan: [grabs paper with mockups] So let me um, let me look at these.\nPam: OK great!\nRyan: Cool.\nPam: Great.\nJim: I guess he can't get any girl he wants.\nEx-client: Did you forget something? What happened to you guys?\nMichael: Give it back. The gift basket, give it back.\nEx-client: Oh what is this?\nDwight: It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket.\nEx-client: Maybe you should leave.\nMichael: Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! [sits on couch]\nDwight: Can you call us a cab please, I'm gonna [gets water from his clothes on the couch] Oops, sorry!\nMichael: Look, my clothes are so wet!\nDwight: Nice leather, oh my shoes are so muddy! [rubs shoes on couch]\nEx-client: [comes back with gift basket] Alright here you go, take it back!\nMichael: It's been opened.\nEx-client: Yeah it was mine!\nMichael: What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?\nEx-client: Come on guys, get out of here!\nMichael: WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?\nDwight: [enters nearby room] Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now!\nEx-client: I ate them OK, I ate the turtles, they're gone!\nDwight: [leaving] We'll bill you.\nMichael: May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.\nRyan: That is not correct.\nMichael: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.\nOscar: You did what?\nMichael: I drove my car into a [bleep] lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me.\nJim: Into a lake.\nMichael: Exactly!\nPhyllis: Did you get any clients back?\nMichael: Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. [looks at Ryan] Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game.\nMichael: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.\nRyan: I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. ... It was two hundred dollars.\nRyan: You should come visit. The city is... amazing.\nJim: I know. I love it there.\nRyan: No. You don't know until you live there. There's something about waking up every morning and just being in that city.\nJim: Mmhmm, yeah, last time I was there I had a lot of fun.\nRyan: No. You can't imagine it, though. The energy when you're actually there. You're just part of something bigger than you, that's moving faster than you. Your dreams are... . it just... everything feels so limitless.\nJim: Sounds great.\nRyan: No. It... eh... you can't... it's not about how it sounds.\nJim: Yeee... (grunts in frustration)\nMichael: Yes. My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation. Very, very excited. He is my protege. He is someone that I hand-raised, that I nurtured. Um... he is like a prime cut of veal whom I nourished with my milk. And now he is also my boss. So, win/win.\nOscar: [pointing] Um... [camera reveals that 'RYAN' is crossed out on the 'Welcome Back RYAN banner'; 'A**HOLE' is now written in. Kelly is sitting next to the banner]\nMichael: Oh, Okay. Okay. Just...[Michael takes down banner, clears throat] Well, our old friend Ryan Howard is back, and we're going to give a little presentation about the future of our company. So please listen up. [awkward pause] All right.\nRyan: [to Michael] Have a seat with everybody else.\nMichael: You don't want me to help?\nRyan: You don't know what I'm going to talk about. [Michael heads toward chairs] Actually, can you do me a favor?\nMichael: Yes?\nRyan: Can you get me a cold water?\nPam: I got it.\nRyan: That's all right, Pam. Michael's got it. [Michael and Ryan look at each other for 5 seconds]\nMichael: [laughs] Um... yes, I'll be right back!\nRyan: Thank you.\nJim: That was slightly harsh, don't you think?\nRyan: I spent three years, driving around, getting him yams and magic wands. He can get me water.\nMichael: I think I know what's going on. Ryan believes that there is some sort of special 'boss water' that he gets to drink now. And there isn't. But, um... don't tell him. Don't tell him that. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.\nMichael: Ryan is causing some problems. And you were always good at handling him. What should I do to control him?\nKelly: Well, he's super-ticklish, I don't know if that helps.\nMichael: I know, I know, no, what... something else.\nKelly: Oh, he's also super-insecure about his height.\nMichael: Uh-huh.\nKelly: And he doesn't care about anybody but himself.\nMichael: Good.\nKelly: And don't have sex with him, 'cause if you do, the next two years of your life will be a total waste of time.\nMichael: My generation's all about hard work and accomplishment. Like... the moon landing. Or Vietnam. Rolling Stones. Greatest band ever.\nOscar: You're forty-three. Mick Jagger's like sixty-five.\nMichael: And still rockin', Oscar. One of the greatest all-time oldies was a little Oriental guy named Confucius. He literally invented the ancient Chinese secret. Here's some of his quotes. Confucius say, 'Man who farts in church must sit in his own pew.' Confucius say, 'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.' Confucius also say, 'Virgin like balloon. One prick, all gone!'\nOscar: Did you Google Confucius and just print out the first thing you saw?\nMichael: No, I skipped through all of the boring stuff and went right to his joke page. Which proves that he was old, but he was also hilarious.\nJan: [sighs, whistles] Michael, please would you not email while we're having lunch?\nMichael: I'm not. It's solitaire. See?\nMichael: BlackBerry. Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit? You wouldn't name an iPod after a fruit. [drops BlackBerry on desk] Excuse me while I type on my Banana. I'm gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer. [thinks] Apple. [nods]\nMichael: This is going on the outside. The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner. Do not tape those on.\nPam: Hey, Michael.\nMichael: Mmhmm.\nPam: Jan called and asked where you're going to meet for dinner. She wants you to call her.\nMichael: I'm a little busy right now. Could you BlackBerry me a message?\nPam: Sure.\nPam: Michael doesn't know how to work his BlackBerry. So when he says BlackBerry me a message, he means write it on a Post-it note and stick it to his BlackBerry.\nRyan: Okay, everyone, I have a conference call, but after that, I'm going to lead a BlackBerry tutorial for anyone who's having any problems. Who here's set theirs up? [Jim and Andy raise their hands; Phyllis half-raises hers. Ryan notices that Michael does not raise his] Great. Well, I will see the rest of you at 2:30.\nJim: You didn't set up your BlackBerry, Dwight?\nDwight: Yes, I did, but I do not intend to use it. It is pointless technology.\nJim: As opposed to...\nDwight: Printing press. Tractor. Mechanical thresher. Telephone. Airplane. The only inventions that matter.\nJim: What about cars?\nDwight: They fall under the category of airplanes.\nJim: They do? So, cars are flightless airplanes.\nDwight: Correct.\nJim: Got it. They're like the penguins of the airplane family.\nDwight: That's an excellent analogy.\nJim: Thanks.\nPam: Hey, Dwight, what about vaccines?\nDwight: [scoffs] Vaccines are for chumps!\nDwight: My mom didn't believe in vaccines. I got my smallpox the old-fashioned way. And I survived. So... joke's on you hospitals.\nMichael: [Creed is using the toaster as a mirror, and touching up his hair with a Sharpie and a comb] The one advantage to being older is that I know a few things about a few things, and I am young enough to not forget them. And old enough to know the difference between the two. I am old enough to take advantage of age discrimination laws, but young enough to date college girls. But old enough to know better. I'm at a perfect age. I could die now. But I won't, because I am young.\nCreed: Sup? [rolls into kitchen on a skateboard]\nKevin: Hi, Creed, what's up?\nCreed: Just boardin', you know how we do. [flips skateboard up]\nOscar: I... like your hair. I don't know if I told you.\nCreed: Oh, thanks ese. So, what are you guys doing?\nKevin: What do you mean?\nCreed: To look younger, so the kid doesn't replace you with machines.\nOscar: I think I'll just take my chances.\nCreed: Suit yourself. But, if it were me, Botox [points at Oscar], wig [points at Kevin].\nKevin: Wha..."}
{"text": "Michael: And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? [everyone groans] Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination.\nJim: There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.\nPam: I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it!\nMichael: We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? [screen saver box hits the wall]\nAndy: Dah! Come on!\nMichael: Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland.\nOscar: It's never gonna happen.\nKevin: Dude, you gotta believe.\nMichael: Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle?\nJim: [to Pam] Wait for it.\nMichael: Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a 'Where's Waldo.' [screensaver box hits the corner of the screen]\nEveryone: Oh! Yes!\nMichael: [everyone gets up and leaves the conference room] Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead.\nKevin: That was so awesome.\nMichael: That was awesome. Thank you.\nMichael: Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?\nMeredith: Hey... there he is.\nJim: Hey Meredith, how you feelin'?\nMeredith: I never thanked you for coming to the hospital.\nJim: Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so...\nMeredith: Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut.\nJim: Haha...\nMeredith: Anyway, I have this Sharpie...\nJim: Uh-huh.\nMeredith: And I was wondering if you could sign my cast?\nJim: MmmHmm...\nMeredith: [lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis] Can you write where I can read it?\nJim: Oh yeah.\nMeredith: [whispers] I'll read this when I get home.\nJim: Alright...\nPam: Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone.\nMichael: Oh, does he?\nPam: He does.\nMichael: Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you.\nJim: Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?\nMichael: And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.\nMichael: Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen...\nMichael: The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight.\nDwight: That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website.\nJim: Actually it sounds like you are.\nDwight: Really? 'Cause Ryan says so?\nKelly: If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody?\nMichael: No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight.\nStanley: Yes, please let us know.\nDwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.\nAngela: Waste of time.\nMichael: What's that, pipsqueak?\nAngela: Waste of time. The website's going to win.\nDwight: You believe a computer can beat me?\nAngela: I don't care, but yes.\nDwight: Well I will prove you wrong.\nAngela: I don't care, and you won't.\nDwight: We'll see.\nAngela: I won't be watching, and I won't.\nPam: Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness.\nPhyllis: Stanley, you're dancing!\nStanley: No I'm not.\nRyan: Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest.\nVoice of Thomas Dean: I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall.\nRyan: Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun.\nAndy: And this is where I will record your sales.\nDwight: Hmm. Very nice. Very nice.\nAndy: And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done.\nJim: Or zipadeedoodaah.\nAndy: I can't tell if he's mocking me.\nDwight: Just ignore him.\nAndy: Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go.\nJim: I was... mocking.\nAndy: Thank you.\nDwight: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.\nAndy: Yes like a chime or a bell...\nJim: Or a gong.\nDwight: Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.\nAndy: Yes!\nKevin: Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party?\nAngela: Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you?\nPhyllis: Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. [whispering] So we're gonna try out some new things today.\nPhyllis: So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch?\nAngela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.\nPhyllis: I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful.\nAngela: It is awful. You've made this day awful!\nKevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.\nAngela: Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party?\nMichael: Ohh, lunch party.\nAngela: It's supposed to say launch!\nMichael: Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.\nAngela: I care!\nAngela: Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead.\nAndy: Twenty seconds to go time.\nDwight: Got it. Carb up.\nJim: Really? Power gel?\nDwight: Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner.\nsAndy: Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go!\nDwight: Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute.\nJim: What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?\nDwight: Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices.\nJim: What?\nPam: He's going through a break-up.\nJim: Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person.\nAndy: [blowing air horn] Yeah!\nDwight: Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines.\nPam: What kind of prank are you thinking?\nDwight: What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold.\nDunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Who am I?\nDwightKSchrute: [on monitor] You tell me.\nJim: [dictating to Pam] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.\nDunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.\nDwightKSchrute: [on monitor] How do I know this isn't Jim?\nDunMiff/sys: [on monitor] What is a Jim?\nDwight: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise.\nMichael: Okay.\nPam: Yes it's too tight.\nKelly: Waaay too tight.\nMichael: Really?\nOscar: This is why I'm here?\nKelly: Why is it so tight?\nMichael: It's the European cut.\nAngela: Is just looks bad.\nMichael: Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging?\nTech Guy: Setting up the web-cam for the party.\nMichael: Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?\nKelly: Depends... how much have you eaten already today?\nMichael: I had um, one of those danishes.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.\nKelly: You had carbs? That's awful.\nPam: Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan.\nMichael: Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun.\nJan: [on phone] My friends? Michael, I was terminated.\nMichael: Just...\nJan: Is it really that important to you?\nMichael: Yeah.\nJan: Alright.\nMichael: Thank you.\nJan: Go by yourself.\nMichael: Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser.\nJan: Well...\nMichael: Do I have your permission to invite Carol?\nJan: What? No Michael!\nMichael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.\nDwight: Ohhhhhh!\nAndy: Website check please.\nMeredith: Three hundred and five.\nAndy: Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely.\nMeredith: Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty.\nAndy: You my friend are in a very close second.\nMeredith: Four-oh-two.\nAndy: Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady?\nMeredith: What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve.\nMichael: So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins.\nJim: Sure we'll go.\nMichael: Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good.\nJim: Oh I'm sorry. What?\nPam: One of the tickets is for him.\nMichael: Just let me know who the winner is.\nPam and Jim: Not it.\nJim: Nope.\nPam: I won.\nJim: Definitely not. If anything it was a tie.\nPam: Tie goes to the girlfriend.\nDwight: No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. [hangs up phone]\nJim: How's it going?\nDwight: Fine. Good.\nJim: Yeah?\nDwight: Yeah.\nJim: You look a little worried.\nDwight: I do not look worried.\nDunMiff/sys: [on monitor] You do look worried.\nDwightKSchrute: [on monitor] Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read...\nPam: Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one.\nJim: Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper.\nAngela: I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless.\nPhyllis: I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone.\nAngela: Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now?\nPhyllis: Yes.\nAngela: Goodie.\nJim: Hey man.\nDarryl: What's up man?\nJim: What's going on?\nDarryl: Make a delivery.\nJim: Oh yeah?\nDarryl: Kelly ordered this online.\nDwight: What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts.\nKelly: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin.'\nDwight: Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!\nDarryl: Who knows?\nDwight: Return it! Return it now!\nDarryl: Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man.\nDwight: Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.\nDarryl: Who's it?\nDarryl: Here you go.\nKelly: Thanks.\nDarryl: So you still missing Ryan?\nKelly: Not so much anymore.\nDarryl: Mmmmm.\nDwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.\nDwight: Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good.\nMichael: Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun.\nJim: I'm driving?\nMichael: Yes. Thank you.\nJim: Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam.\nMichael: Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. [kissing noise, kissing noise] I love ya Pam... okay. [singing] I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?\nAngela: Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks.\nMichael: If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow.\nDwight: Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm.\nDunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples.\nDwight: I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that?\nDwight: Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter?\nAndy: No ! [blows air horn and dances]\nDwight: Huh?!\nAngela: Stop it! Gimme that! Give it!\nDwight: Did you see the board?\nAngela: There's still an hour.\nMichael: You ever read this? [holds up Green Eggs and Ham]\nJim: Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it.\nMichael: Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured...\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Same sort of stuff in here.\nJim: It's not. It's different. But it's a good book.\nMichael: Mmwa. Mmwa.\nJim: What was that?\nMichael: Leaving Pennsylvania.\nJim: Oh. Two kisses.\nMichael: One for me one for Jan.\nJim: Gotcha.\nMichael: You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday?\nJim: That would be fun.\nMichael: Wanna come over Friday?\nJim: Uhhh. Can't.\nMichael: After work you guys...\nJim: Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right?\nMichael: Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So...\nJim: Mmmkay...\nMichael: What are you doing?\nJim: Uh, that is an invitation to an online party.\nMichael: No.\nJim: Yep.\nMichael: No, I'm sure that's not. Na...\nJim: Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address?\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: Yep.\nMichael: Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan.\nMichael: You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go.\nMichael: Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?\nJim: Oh actually I withdrew from consideration.\nMichael: Yeah. I withdrew too.\nAndy: Four! Three! Two! One!\nDwight: Yes!\nAndy: Woo!\nDwight: Woo!\nAndy: After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams.\nDwight: Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again.\nAndy: Fifty-two reams!\nDwight: No no no the first part.\nAndy: Dwight has defeated the computer.\nDwight: Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you.\nAngela: I didn't ask you to do it for me.\nDwight: You didn't have to.\nAngela: How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?\nAngela: Hello, Pam.\nPam: Hello.\nAngela: Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.\nPam: Um... uh... I'll get back to you.\nAngela: Let me know.\nDunMiff/sys: [on monitor] You beat me. You are the superior being.\nMichael: Alright who wants to party?\nOscar: Why aren't you in New York?\nMichael: Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out.\nStanley: You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early.\nMichael: I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.\nAngela: Thank you.\nMichael: Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight?\nAndy: He beat the computer.\nMichael: Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good.\nMichael: This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.\nMichael: How we doing on time?\nAngela: The party starts in an hour.\nMichael: Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen.\nAngela: Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting?\nMichael: Mmmhmm.\nAngela: Something made of ice?\nMichael: Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel.\nAngela: Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak?\nMichael: I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important...\nAngela: Chocolates? Someone famous?\nMichael: Yes\nAngela: Cool music.\nMichael: Uh...\nAngela: Confetti.\nMichael: I want it...\nAngela: Go-Go dancers?\nMichael: I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, 'Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?'\nAngela: I can't do this.\nMichael: Yes you can.\nAngela: I can't do it.\nMichael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this?\nAngels: Okay. Okay.\nMichael: No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza!\nAndy: What do you think of Angela?\nDwight: I think she's efficient.\nAndy: No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N.\nDwight: I hadn't noticed.\nAndy: You hadn't noticed she's a woman?\nDwight: [impatient sigh]\nAndy: I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?\nDwight: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.\nAndy: Isn't that part of the fun?\nDwight: No. I think you should date Kelly.\nAndy: She works here too, how is that any different?\nDwight: Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.\nAndy: [raised eyebrows] Okay.\nMichael: Good news.\nStanley: We get to go home?\nMichael: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?\nAll: [murmurs of approval]\nKevin: Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?\nMichael: Same thing.\nKevin: No, no.\nAll: [disagreeing with Michael]\nMichael: You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.\nKevin: Oscar, talk to him.\nOscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?\nMichael: Pizza by Alfredo.\nAll: [shouts of disapproval]\nMichael: Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?\nAll: Medium amount of good pizza.\nMichael: [sighs, walks back into office]\nKevin: Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.\nPhyllis: You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this.\nAngela: It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do.\nPhyllis: [Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face]\nAngela: Ow!\nPhyllis: That seemed to shut her up.\nAndy: Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. [Camera pans to Kevin giving an 'are you kidding me?' look]\nAndy: Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box.\nAndy: Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying?\nAngela: What?\nAndy: Hello.\nAngela: I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again.\nAndy: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.\nMichael: Yup.\nPam: The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here.\nMichael: You don't have to say it like that.\nPam: I said it normal.\nMichael: Hey\nPizza guy: Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.\nMichael: Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty.\nPizza guy: The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas.\nMichael: Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas.\nPizza guy: I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy.\nMichael: You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?\nOscar: It's not pizza.\nMichael: Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon.\nPizza guy: [shrugs]\nMichael: [sarcastic shrugging of shoulders] What do you mean hmm-um?\nPizza guy: Not my problem.\nMichael: It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story.\nPizza guy: Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.\nMichael: I'm not giving that to you.\nPizza guy: Well then you're not getting you're pizzas.\nMichael: No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out.\nPizza guy: What?\nMichael: You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room.\nPizza guy: I'm not going in there.\nMichael: Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you.\nPizza guy: This is stupid.\nMichael: No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here.\nStanley: You find anything?\nKevin: We think it's a straight forward kidnapping.\nOscar: Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?\nStanley: Why can't you guys do it?\nOscar: Because we're looking up jail time.\nStanley: Fine.\nDwight: I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp.\nPizza guy: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.\nMichael: You ready to give me my discount now?\nPizza guy: No.\nMichael: Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time?\nPizza guy: What kind of business is this?\nDwight: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.\nMichael: Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man.\nPizza guy: You better think about what you're doing.\nMichael: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay?\nPizza guy: Sales?\nMichael: Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales.\nPizza guy: You're such a loser.\nDwight: What did you just call him?\nPizza guy: A loser.\nDwight: What did you say?\nPizza guy: A loser.\nMichael: Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse.\nDwight: I can make him talk, Michael.\nAll: Michael, Michael\nMichael: Stop talking all at once!\nJim: You need to let him go.\nMichael: Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?\nJim: Yes.\nMichael: You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.\nJim: Yes, but not by kidnapping.\nMichael: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.\nJim: As a hostage.\nMichael: I think you're over-thinking it.\nJim: I think you're under-thinking it.\nMichael: Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our...\nJim: Ransom.\nMichael: Trouble. Okay, alright.\nJim: What did he say?\nMichael: He said no.\nJim: So, we should let him go.\nMichael: No, no.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: Listen up kid. [pops balloon with his hands] I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.\nAngela: I have to hang these.\nPizza guy: Why are you looking at her like that?\nDwight: Hey!\nKevin: What's going on?\nJim: Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands.\nMichael: Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin?\nKevin: We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.\nAngela: I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour.\nMeredith: I think it looks good.\nAngela: That's why you're not in charge Meredith.\nAndy: Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice.\nAngela: How did you, um, where did you...\nDwight: It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor.\nAngela: Will you help me put it over there?\nAndy: Yes I will.\nAngela: Okay.\nAndy: Excuse me.\nAndy: I stole it!\nOscar: Thank God.\nPam: Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself.\nMichael: I'll just wave and introduce myself.\nJim: Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof?\nPam: I'm all over it.\nJim: Okay.\nJim: What have we got here?\nKevin: Good pizza.\nJim: Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors?\nKevin: Different stuff.\nJim: Which one's this? Perfect.\nJim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?\nPam: Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight.\nJim: And that's when I knew. You?\nPam: You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.\nJim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?\nPam: Yep.\nJim: Wow, can we make it a different moment?\nPam: Nope.\nManager: Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start.\nRyan: And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.\nMichael: Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that [bleep]hole.\nRyan: Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear.\nPizza guy: If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor.\nAngela: Ow! What are you doing?\nAndy: You said your upper back itched.\nAngela: I didn't ask you to scratch it.\nAndy: Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you.\nAngela: I'm not dating you.\nAndy: So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested.\nDwight: [smiles]\nAndy: But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down.\nDwight: [kicks open bathroom door] If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!\nMichael: Hey, have you seen Jim?\nKevin: I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out.\nDwight: Ahh-chaa!\nMichael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?\nDwight: I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him.\nPizza guy: I can hear you, man.\nDwight: Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat!\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid.\nDwight: You had to, what other choice did you have?\nMichael: I could have paid for the pizza.\nDwight: Well, yeah.\nMichael: Oh my God, oh my God.\nMichael: This is Michael.\nRyan: Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out.\nMichael: You're breaking up. I can't hear you.\nRyan: Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... [Michael hangs up on Ryan]\nMichael: [to Dwight] Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent.\nDwight: What will you do?\nMichael: I will open the door.\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands.\nDwight: So, I'm paying full price?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more.\nMichael: See ya, drive safely.\nMichael: [pizza guy flips him off] Okay.\nDwight: Now what?\nMichael: Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens.\nDwight: Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas.\nMichael: Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time.\nJim: A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge.\nPam: Ah-ha.\nAndy: [answers two ringing phones] Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on.\nAndy: [Andy plus two voices on the phone singing] If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me.\nVoice #1 on phone: Hey how'd it go?\nVoice #2 on phone: Yeah, what'd she say?\nAndy: I don't know yet, I have to call you back.\nVoice #1 on phone: You have to give us something...\nAndy: I'll call you back.\nAngela: I have to go clean up after the party.\nMichael: What a horrible day.\nDwight: Blah.\nMichael: Bluh.\nDwight: Uhh.\nMichael: Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what?\nDwight: What?\nMichael: I'm going to get it.\nDwight: Coopers has calamari.\nMichael: Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi.\nDwight: Tokyo?\nMichael: New York. Wanna go?\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: Alright, you drive.\nDwight: Okay.\nDwight: Nice.\nMichael: Here we go.\nDwight: Woo-hoo.\nMichael: Mmm.\nDwight: Yum.\nBartender: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave.\nMichael: Hey, you know what? [Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi] Come on, come on, let's go.\nMan: Hey, you're the Scranton guy.\nMichael: Guilty.\nMan: I liked your statement tonight.\nMichael: Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer.\nMan: Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.\nMichael: Yeah.\nMan: See you later.\nDwight: Later on.\nMichael: [mocking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face.\nDwight: And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper.\nMichael: I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot.\nDwight: I started a fire with my cheese pita.\nMichael: I made it with my cheese pita.\nDwight: I date Indian girls.\nMichael: I started a fire, I started a fire.\nDwight: Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss.\nMichael: And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody...\nDwight: I don't get that, I don't understand that.\nMichael: Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh.\nMichael: Wanna head back?\nDwight: Yeah, let's go.\nRyan: [steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks]\nDwight: [Dwight come into office unshaven] What?\nJim: Well it's just that you had no hair on Friday.\nDwight: It's called being a man. You should try it sometime.\nJim: How long have you been a man?\nDwight: I was born a man, Halpert.\nJim: That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom.\nDwight: I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain.\nAndy: [to Dwight] What do you think of Angela? There's just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame.\nAndy: No. I will not be playing it 'cool' [makes air quotes] with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen, I was waitlisted at my number one school. Even though I was a legacy, and I had like a thousand extra-curriculars, mostly drama, madrigals, barbershop club, I was waitlisted. Did I wait, on that list? No, I did not. I busted into the admissions office and I [singing] sang them all the reasons they should admit me to the school [end singing]. And guess what? I. Got. In. And here's the kicker. That school? Cornell.\nMichael: What's wrong with me?\nPam: Excuse me?\nMichael: I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods] Don't avoid this. I know you're dying to say it, so just say it.\nPam: Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence.\nMichael: What, no. No. Okay, bags. I have bags under my eyes, Pam. I didn't see it at home, I didn't see it in the bathroom, I didn't see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light...\nPam: [interrupting] The city mirrors, or the...?\nMichael: The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles? The big round things.\nPam: The ones for drivers to check their blind spots?\nMichael: Yes. I have bags under my eyes, and I can't go to New York like this! What do I do? What do I do?\nPam: Put cold tea bags on your eyes.\nMichael: Really?\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: That's it?\nPam: Mmhmm.\nMichael: All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewart's receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin' it. Nn... no.\nMichael: [tea bags on eyes] Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do?\nKevin: I'm a little mad, that I don't get to go to the party in New York. But that's mostly just because we get reimbursed for gas mileage.\nOscar: I was going to be in New York tonight, to go to the Met, but I had to cancel. Because Angela's party is mandatory.\nCreed: I go to New York all the time, to visit my buddy Frank. He's a mole person.\nMeredith: Angela, what kind of music?\nAngela: Uh... something cool that Ryan doesn't know about yet.\nMeredith: How am I supposed to know what that is?\nAngela: I don't know, but standing here's not going to give you the answer. Go.\nAngela: Tonight my party will be broadcast out to five other states. Which means, it will be compared to Denise Stimm's party in Buffalo. Any idiot can defrost a microwavable hors d'oeuvres platter. And Denise proves that with every party she throws. Oh, and Denise? Stop telling people your hair's naturally curly. We all know you get perms.\nKevin: Kidnapping is the asportation of a person against the person's will, so Michael asported him. [giggles] Have you ever been aspor...\nOscar: Don't.\nDwight: Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? [pizza guy stares] Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before.\nPizza guy: I'm not scared of you.\nKevin: In every good hostage movie, during the part where it gets really tense, and you don't know whether the bad guys are going to let the hostages go free, the cops order pizza.\nToby: The lady cop acted like she'd never pulled someone over for driving too slow. And I tried to get out of it with the famous Toby Flenderson 10,000 watt smile. [smiles] It didn't work.\nToby: Damn it.\nKelly: Is that traffic school?\nToby: Yeah.\nKelly: Because we're not supposed to be doing personal stuff at work.\nToby: Yeah.\nKelly: Because yesterday when I was taking an online quiz about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame, you said that was inappropriate.\nToby: I remember.\nKelly: Just reiterating what you said to me.\nToby: Thanks Kelly.\nOscar: You know the octagon sign means stop.\nToby: Colorblind.\nOscar: An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes, can't you?\nToby: It's out of context. It's not the same as driving."}
{"text": "Michael: Coat! [throws coat at Pam]\nPam: Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.\nMichael: Steak! Where's my steeaaak?\nPam: He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.\nMichael: Get me Armani.\nPam: A suit?\nMichael: On the phone.\nPam: Like the main company number? Because I'm gonna have to call information.\nMichael: Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are. [breaks into laughter]\nMichael: I owe you an apology.\nPam: You finished the movie.\nMichael: Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.\nPam: No. Go ahead.\nMichael: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle.\nPam: Mo Chuisle. He's watching Million Dollar Baby... He's gonna try to kill me.\nMicahel: So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes.\nJan: You do.\nMichael: I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine.\nJan: Well, they both go with the carpet I've ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too.\nMichael: We already have a sofa. So why do-\nJan: A futon's not a sofa.\nMichael: It... folds up. You've only seen it flat.\nJan: I know what a futon is, Michael.\nMichael: I- Ok. How much is this going to cost?\nJan: It costs what it costs.\nMichae: No- don't... that doesn't even mean anything.\nJan: We have gone through this.\nMichael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.\nMichael: It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs- [phone rings]\nPam: [on the phone] Michael, it's Ryan for you.\nJan: Conniving little runt. Put him through.\nMichael: Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man!\nRyan: [on the phone] I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint.\nMichael: Yes, and thank you for sending that to me.\nRyan: I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint.\nMichael: Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up.\nRyan: Hold on, I'll get them on the phone.\nMichael: [looking at nothing] Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it.\nJim: [talking on phone] Sure, I can hold.\nDwight: [picks up phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. [opens book, then picks up phone] Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein!\nJim: Hey Dwight.\nDwight: None of your business, Jim.\nJim: Do you run the bed and breakfest?\nDwight: It is not a B and B.\nDwight: Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest.\nJim: Does the Department of Health know about this?\nDwight: I'm not telling you anything. [lookings into the camera] Permits are pending. [phone rings] Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.\nPam: Hello, I'm looking for a room.\nDwight: Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones.\nPam: It says here you cater to the eldery.\nDwight: Where did you read that?\nPam: Trip Advsior.\nDwight: Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.\nDwight: How many in your party?\nPam: Two?\nDwight: We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration?\nJan: So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.\nMichael: Oh! Um, actually, I need the car.\nJan: Why? Improv? Why don't you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car?\nMichael: Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her.\nDwight: One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask.\nAngela: What about my cherub figurine?\nDwight: You took that with you.\nAngela: No I left it on my night table- your night table, by the lamp.\nDwight: You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there.\nAngela: Fine.\nDwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.\nKevin: The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you?\nMichael: You can not, I have a thing tonight.\nKevin: Dammit.\nJim: Uh, Michael.\nMichael: What?\nJim: That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.\nMichael: Oh no, I have a thing tonight.\nJim: Darn it!\nPam: Shoot!\nMichael: How about this weekend?\nJim: No, can't.\nPam: We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you.\nMichael: Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right.\nJim: Where are you going out tonight?\nMichael: You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.\nJim: I wouldn't understand or a secret?\nPam: You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.\nMichael: I'm sorry Mr. O'Brian, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won't be that fast, but it will-[notices camera]- it will be that easy.\nJim: I can't believe this place is real. I mean, I've heard about his beet farm for years, but wow.\nPam: The Beets Motel.\nJim: The Beets Motel? That is, wow.\nPam: Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon!\nJim: How are you doing this?\nPam: I don't know! [Mose starts running by the left side of the car]\nPam: Oh my gosh.\nMichael: I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing.\nNick: What's going on here?\nMichael: Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call.\nNick: We're a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision-\nMichael: No, they're with me, so... this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars!\nDwight: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.\nPam: What are the themes?\nDwight: American, Irrigation, and Night-Time.\nPam: Irrigation.\nJim: Nice.\nDwight: I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions?\nJim: Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story.\nDwight: No.\nJim: Not even Harry Potter?\nDwight: No. Jim, come on.\nMose: But you promised.\nDwight: Mose, bags! Now!\nDwight: Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty.\nNick: Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes.\nMichael: These meetings are useless.\nNick: I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it?\nMichael: Very inspirational. [laughter]\nNick: We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Ok.\nCo-Worker 1: Or a woman.\nMichael: Or a trained seal. [laughter]\nNick: You could make jokes when you've made a sale there rookie, ok? [laughter ends]\nJim: Hmmm, I'd say 1 in 6.\nPam: What?\nJim: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were in being murdered here tonight.\nJim: You know, I've just realized, this is Pam's and my first night away together. I use to play it over my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a uh, nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner. Wine... uh but, wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And uh, I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just... less.\nDwight: Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow!\nMichael: Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?\nStanely: [on the phone] Yes, who is this?\nMichael: I'm just calling because you responded positively to the-\nStanely: Michael?\nMichael: ...Stanley?\nStanley: Why are you calling me here at home?\nMichael: [Spanish accent] Senor, are you happy with your-\nStanley: Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?\nMichael: [speaking with a different voice] Have you- Have you considered satellite television?\nStanley: Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? [Michael hands up]\nStanley: [on the phone] When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.\nMichael: Well your son sounds like he's really motivated. I think it's crazy the coach won't play him frankly.\nNick: [hangs up phone] My office.\nMichael: You bet.\nNick: Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don't know why we have to keep on having this conversation.\nMichael: Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes-\nNick: A few more minutes is a waste of our time.\nMichael: It is not a waste of our time.\nNick: This is a trading game.\nMicael: No.\nNick: You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That's how Vikram does it.\nMichael: Vikram doesn't have my people skills.\nNick: Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night.\nMichael: Well, I hope this conversation has helped.\nDwight: [reading to Jim, Pam, and Mose] And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. 'Harry?' It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing.\nMichael: What did you get tonight?\nVikram: Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice.\nMichael: Oh, that looks good.\nVikram: Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again?\nMichael: I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.\nVikram: Enjoy.\nMichael: Thank you.\nVikram: I was a surgeon back home.\nMichael: Really?\nVikram: Oh yeah.\nMichael: Wonder what I would've been back home?\nVikram: Well this is your home.\nMichael: I know, but it's competitive here. What's a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something.\nVikram: Uhh, no.\nMichael: I would've been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy.\nJim: [Jim and Pam hear noise] Wait, you're going up there?\nPam: Yeah. Coward.\nPam: [Pam sees Mose in an outhouse] Oh my God. What century is this?\nMichael: You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator.\nCo-Worker 2: Dude, you should review movies. [other co-workers agree]\nMichael: I actually wrote a movie.\nCo-Worker 3: Really?\nMichael: I'm writing one, yeah.\nCo-Worker 3: What's it about?\nMichael: Um, sort of a spy, thriller...\nNick: What's so captivating? [everyone stops talking, go back to work] I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that's how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking.\nPam: [Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying] Ugh, your turn.\nDwight: [Jim knocks on Dwight's door, crying stops] Come in. Did you have another nightmare?\nJim: Hey Dwight.\nDwight: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.\nJim: Does Mose have nightmares?\nJim: Oh yes. Ever since the storm.\nDwight: Is everything satisfactory with your stay?\nJim: Yeah, yeah.\nDwight: Great.\nJim: Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here.\nDwight: Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.\nJim: Good night, Dwight. [Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying]\nCo-Worker 2: Yeah, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come?\nCo-Worker 3: We'd love for you to come, Michael.\nMichael: Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning.\nCo-Worker 2: All right, next time dude.\nMichael: Okay, see you guys. [Sees Jan] Hey, how you doin'?\nJan: You drive, I had too much wine.\nMichael: Okay. How's yoga?\nJan: I didn't go.\nMichael: Wh-Why not?\nJan: I just didn't!\nMichael: Okay.\nJan: How was improv?\nMichael: Good night Vikram.\nVikram: Good night.\nMichael: Hey, congrats on the bonus.\nVikram: Thank you Michael.\nMichael: I'm gonna have it one of these nights.\nVikram: Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.\nMichael: Good night.\nVikram: Good night.\nPam: Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight, how are you?\nDwight: Pam.\nJim: You okay?\nDwight: I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. [Ryan walks in]\nRyan: Hey guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doin'?\nRyan: Okay, Michael, why dont you start us off?\nMichael: Um... that wasn't much of an introduction.\nRyan: Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott.\nMichael: Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we're gonna be talking... about...PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint!\nMichael: Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery.\nMichael: And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes.\nRyan: Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint?\nMichael: Why?\nRyan: You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?\nMichael: No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that.\nRyan: I'm your boss.\nMichael: My other boss, Mr. Figaro.\nRyan: You have another job?\nMichael: What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'.\nJim: Are you a cocktail waitress?\nRyan: You can not have another job if it affects your work here.\nMichael: It won't.\nRyan: It did, all ready.\nMichael: Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. [Kelly laughs]\nKelly: You're so funny.\nRyan: Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse.\nKelly: I invited him.\nRyan: It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn't information you need.\nDarryl: There's information here? Yeah, you're right, I don't need this.\nKelly: Okay. [makes out with Darryl]\nDarryl: Hey, get off.\nKelly: Umm, see you later tonight.\nDarryl: I have plans later.\nKelly: Okay, bye honey.\nRyan: How long until you actually get this presentation ready?\nMichael: Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it?\nRyan: You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.\nMichael: Huh, okay.\nRyan: What?\nMichael: It's whoever, not whomever.\nRyan: No, it's whomever.\nMichael: No, whomever is never actually right.\nJim: No, sometimes its right.\nCreed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.\nAndy: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.\nOscar: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.\nMichael: Not a native speaker.\nKevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say, because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.\nRyan: Do you really know which one is correct?\nKevin: I don't know.\nPam: It's 'whom' when it's the object of a sentence, and 'who' when it's the subject.\nPhyllis: Yeah, that sounds right.\nMichael: Well it sounds right, but is it?\nStanley: How did Ryan use it? As an object?\nRyan: As an object.\nKelly: Ryan used me an object.\nStanley: Is he right about that?\nPam: How did he use it again?\nToby: It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object.\nMichael: Thank you.\nToby: To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word.\nMichael: No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.\nRyan: Wait! This doesn't matter. And I don't even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you're fired here.\nMichael: I've never done this before. I've never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history.\nMichael: Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company-\nMr. Figaro: Lipophedrine\nMichael: And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.\nMr. Figaro: Never heard of it.\nMichael: In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can't do this.\nMr. Figaro: Are you quitting?\nMichael: I am.\nMr. Figaro: Come back anytime, don't forget to disinfect your headset.\nMichael: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.\nAndy: So.\nPam: What's up?\nAndy: Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body.\nPam: You're being gross.\nAndy: Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.\nPam: What moves?\nAndy: I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times.\nPam: I can't believe that's not working.\nAndy: Yeah.\nPam: Um, I don't know if I really see you two together.\nAndy: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.\nPam: She's very religious.\nAndy: Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses.\nPam: Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe.\nAndy: Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.\nPam: That's right, you did.\nAndy: Yeah.\nPam: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight... or Angela... or Andy.\nMichael: Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses.\nKevin: I do gamble Michael.\nMichael: Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don't know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that?\nKevin: The mob.\nMichael: Do you know anybody in the mob?\nKevin: [shakes head no]\nMichael: Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary.\nKelly: What do you mean you have plans tonight?\nDarryl: I have my daughter tonight; we're renting Charlotte's Web.\nKelly: Well, you have to make a choice, it's either your daughter, or me.\nDarryl: My daughter.\nKelly: Okay, I see how it is. [pushes a stack of files onto the floor] Oops.\nDarryl: That was cold.\nKelly: [makes a W then an L with her fingers, and then runs a finger across her throat]\nPhyllis: He's always been terrible with money.\nStanley: I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor house.\nKevin: Yeah, women be shoppin'.\nMeredith: I can't believe he has a second job.\nOscar: He's not even good at his first one.\nMichael: Hey guys.\nKevin: Shh.\nMichael: What'cha talking about? [camera pans to each face in the break room] Okay, I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think-\nPam: Michael.\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey.\nOscar: Michael, are you having money problems?\nMichael: Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?\nOscar: You heard me correctly.\nMichael: Oh, I hate monkeys.\nPam: What's going on, why do you have a second job?\nMichael: I don't have a second job. Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers.\nPam: Doesn't Jan have money?\nMichael: I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual.\nKevin: True, it's best to hide our money problems from women.\nMichael: I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems, I don't. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? [Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket]\nOscar and Stanley: You just put it back in your pocket.\nMichael: Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore.\nDarryl: Hey, let's call this what it is.\nDarryl: It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.\nKelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going.\nDarryl: Hey, I like you. Oh yeah, what's not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing's run its course.\nKelly: Don't you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben, you are the most selfish person I've ever met in my entire-\nDarryl: Slow down, think it over.\nKelly: Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?\nCreed: Hey cuz, heard you're having money problems.\nMichael: No you didn't.\nCreed: Listen, I've got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.\nCreed: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.\nMichael: How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose.\nCreed: You don't go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up 'get out of jail free' cards, those things cost thousands.\nMichael: That is a good point.\nCreed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate.\nMichael: Like the witness protection program.\nCreed: Exactly.\nOscar: Not at all.\nMichael: I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life.\nMichael: I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY!\nOscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.\nMichael: I didn't say it, I declared it.\nOscar: Still, that's not anything.\nOscar: This is a lot of credit card debt.\nMichael: Yeah, tell me about it.\nOscar: Mmm.\nMichael: You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine.\nOscar: Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon.\nMichael: Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic.\nOscar: Twelve hundred dollars. What's a Core Blaster Extreme?\nMichael: That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got a core.\nAndy: I left a little present for Angela. I think she's going to like it, because I found it outside of Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together. I got game.\nOscar: Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house.\nMichael: Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top.\nOscar: The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that.\nMichael: Right.\nOscar: This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.\nMichael: How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point?\nPam: Man, Angela really had a hold on him. [Dwight playing the recorder in the background] Angela.\nOscar: Michael, I'm going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy.\nMichael: No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this.\nOscar: She has to know.\nMichael: We will find another way, we'll ask power-point.\nOscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.\nMichael: You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.\nOscar: I'm done!\nMichael: No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half.\nOscar: Jan is smart.\nMichael: She poses.\nJim: Dwight, how's the hotel business?\nDwight: Stupid.\nJim: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?\nDwight: No.\nJim: Maybe you should.\nDwight: Maybe you should. Whatever.\nPam: We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote, the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedroom and makes you dream of simpler times.\nJim: The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings.\nPam: Table making never seemed so possible.\nJim: You will never want to leave your room.\nPam: The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm.\nDwight: I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.\nPam: We really did. It was fun.\nOscar: So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt.\nJan: [on phone] You're broke?\nMichael: Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying?\nJan: [on phone] Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don't, I don't get this. I really don't. I don't know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don't know what more to say.\nOscar: Jan.\nJan: [on phone] Yeah, what?\nOscar: Michael left.\nJan: [on phone] Okay, where did he go?\nOscar: I don't know.\nJan: [on phone] Well, is he coming right back?\nOscar: I don't think so.\nJan: [on phone] I'll be right there.\nMichael: What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.\nAngela: [to Andy] You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood.\nPam: Dwight.\nDwight: Uhh-mmm [moaning]\nJim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?\nDwight: [incoherent mumbling] No you didn't.\nJim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.\nDwight: Mmm-uh-mm [incoherent mumbling]\nJim: Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you.\nDwight: [sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away]\nPam: Hey, I was thinking about dinner- [Jim grabs her face and kisses her]\nJim: Ah, dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Yeah?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.\nJim: Yep, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I'm in love with Italian food.\nOscar: Jan, he went running that way.\nJan: Alright. [throws her keys at Oscar]\nMichael: [singing] Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I'm never coming back.\nJan: Michael.\nMichael: Hey Jan.\nJan: What's going on?\nMichael: Not much, what's up with you?\nJan: Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going?\nMichael: I'm out of answers Jan.\nJan: What does that mean?\nMichael: I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you.\nJan: Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won't solve anything. You know that.\nMichael: I don't know that.\nJan: Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically.\nMichael: I'll stay off the grid.\nJan: Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It's not that bad.\nMichael: Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up.\nJan: Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.\nMichael: That's really nice of you to say.\nJan: Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I'm going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where's this train taking us?\nMichael: I think the engineer left.\nDwight: [takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jim's, knocking Jim's files on the floor] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now.\nMichael: Don't sell your implants please.\nJan: I'm keeping them. I know you like them. They're kind of uncomfortable though.\nMichael: That's nice though.\nJan: It's kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now.\nMichael: It looks cute though.\nMichael: I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time. They would say things like 'don't pay for six months' or 'you can transfer your account from another card'...\nDwight: No, [mumbling] I don't know.\nMichael: Do you think I'll get any new ones? I could... [pause, eventually looks up at Dwight]\nDwight: What?\nMichael: What do you mean, 'what'?\nDwight: What... [mumbling]\nMichael: Were you listening to what I was saying?\nDwight: I was aware that you were speaking.\nMichael: What is the matter with you?\nDwight: What is the matter with... me?\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: I'm... discombobulated.\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: I need help.\nMichael: All right, well, go find some. Get outa here, please. [Dwight sighs and leaves]\nOscar: Okay, you need to focus, Michael. You need to stop spending money.\nMichael: Yeah. What?\nOscar: I hate to ask you this, but are there any retirement funds you can borrow from?\nMichael: Um, my CDs.\nOscar: You have CDs?\nMichael: I do.\nOscar: Okay, good, okay. What bank?\nMichael: My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic\nOscar: [whispers] Case Logic.\nMichael: And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car. There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head] What?\nOscar: I'm asking about Certificates of Deposit.\nMichael: I've been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didn't even like. No. [shakes head]\nJan: I just think that...\nMichael: I can't.\nJan: Why?\nMichael: I can't go back to that.\nJan: I think you can. I... what?\nMichael: I don't know if I can do that. I can't see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole.\nJan: All right, well then maybe there's another way, you know? I mean, we could just... we'll think of something else.\nMichael: We will? I can't. I don't have an idea in my head.\nJan: Well... well, we will.\nMichael: I have...\nJan: We just will.\nMichael: Okay. What? Um...\nJan: I have some ideas.\nMichael: Tell me.\nJan: [laughs] I am not going to tell you yet.\nMichael: Well, please? I won't tell anybody.\nJan: Oh, yes, you will.\nMichael: Yeah, I will.\nAndy: Gentlemen, a word. Look, you guys are my closest friends in this office.\nJim: Right back at ya.\nAndy: And as such, I come to you...\nDwight: State your business!\nAndy: I am dying of lovesickness and horny-sickness.\nDwight: That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea.\nAndy: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?\nDwight: Yes, I did, 'cept I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat, and she's in a kind of a grieving process, and it makes her say things. So... best to just lay off.\nAndy: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.\nJim: Oh my God, you do have gonorrhea.\nPhyllis: Hey, Andy! Maybe this is one of those situations where you just have to do her to get her out of your system.\nDwight: Stay out of this, you!\nAndy: Hey, fellas! And... lady.\nKevin: I still do not have your reimbursement check.\nAndy: That's not why I came over. I mean it's a week late, but... I just came over to say hi.\nOscar: Hi.\nKevin: [waves] Hi.\nAndy: Angela, you like lacrosse?\nAngela: Lacrosse, the sport?\nAndy: Scranton U. Varsity's gonna scrimmage the J.V. squad. Should be pretty interesting. J.V. gets really amped.\nAngela: Well, I guess it's a big opportunity for them.\nAndy: Yeah.\nAngela: Yeah.\nAndy: You wanna go?\nAngela: No.\nAndy: Because we could get some food...\nAngela: No.\nAndy: Afterwards at the...\nAngela: Andy, no. [Andy nods and starts backing away, Kevin giggles]\nAndy: Still waiting on that check.\nJim: Pam! You don't think he'll mind if we take the shampoo, do you? [holds up large bottle]\nPam: Mmm. Mmm-mmm. [shakes head 'no']\nJim: Okay.\nPam: [Mose serves bacon] Thank you, Mose.\nMose: [clears throat] Everybody poops.\nJim: Yes, they do.\nMose: There's no other... way to get rid of the food.\nJim: Where's Dwight?\nMose: Gone.\nPam: Where'd he go?\nMose: His day place.\nJim: The office.\nMose: What office?\nJim: Hmm.\nPam: Mose, Angela hasn't been around here much lately, has she?\nMose: Angela?\nPam: Angela - she used to stay here sometimes?\nMose: Angela [leaves].\nMose: [on trampoline] Cannonball! Lemon bomb! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch!\nPam: Okay, we're watching, Mose!\nMose: Okay, go Yankees! I'm a war hero!\nJim: You're doin' great, buddy!\nMose: Name's Mose, buddy! Dwight, can I stop? They're not even looking.\nDwight: Yeah, go ahead and stop. You guys, you should really be looking, he's working his ass off over here.\nJim: I'm sorry, did we or did we not pay for a show?\nDwight: Okay, go ahead, they're right.\nMose: Large spins!\nJim: [not watching Mose] More spins.\nDwight: Arr, dammit! [throws saw at table he was working on]\nMose: Helicopter!"}
{"text": "Michael: Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis!\nPhyllis: Dancing babies!\nMichael: Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!\nMichael: We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby.\nAndy: Best ad ever. [sings in the tune of the 'Kit Kat theme song'] Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that... I am totally blanking. What is the thing?\nJim: Nobody tell him!\nAndy: What? No, why?\nJim: You got it, you're so close!\nAndy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce.\nJim: Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don't think...\nAndy: Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car.\nJim: Nope.\nAndy: Football cream. Grr!\nMichael: Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else?\nPam: I'm taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo.\nMichael: Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good.\nMichael: Hello hello!\nAd guy 1: Hey, how ya doin'?\nMichael: Michael Scott.\nAd guy 2: Hey, Michael.\nMichael: Regional manager.\nAd guy 2: Hey Michael, nice to meet you\nMichael: Excited to talk ideas.\nAd guy 1: Let's do it, man.\nMichael: You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing.\nAd guy 1: That sounds great.\nMichael: All right, good, well this is what we have to work with.\nMichael: I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out?\nAndy: Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!\nMichael: He gives the best back rubs in the office.\nAndy: It's true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy [makes farting noise]. Not! You just got 'Nard dogged!\nMichael: Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.\nStanley: Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?\nMichael: Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.\nMichael: These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun.\nKevin: [looking at Oscar] Mama Bear!\nMichael: Who else?\nJim: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.\nJim: You playing that game again?\nDwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers.\nJim: Oh it has losers.\nDwight: I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. [shot of Dwight's avatar flying around]\nMichael: [reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further-\nAd guy 1: Okay I can tell that your time is valuable-\nMichael: Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so...\nAd guy 1: That all sounds really, really ambitious.\nMichael: Yeah, I know.\nAd guy 1: Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?\nMichael: Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background]\nMichael: That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! [chuckles] Whoa.\nAd guy 1: That's what we came up with.\nMichael: Well we can do better than that.\nAd guy 2: Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually.\nAd guy 1: Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway.\nMichael: The waving?\nAd guy 1: Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative.\nAndy: I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But we've been necking, but only necking. Right? Not actually kissing, our mouths, just the neck on neck. It's just like rubbing slash nuzzling our necks together. It's hot, I'm not going to lie to you , but it's a little weird, but you seem like a guy with answers, so how do I fast track this to get to first base?\nDwight: We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us.\nAndy: We'll use code names.\nDwight: Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.\nAndy: That's not different enough.\nDwight: Dwike?\nReceptionist: You have a call from Eddie Murphy.\nRyan: Hello?\nMichael: [on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice] Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! [laughing] I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry.\nRyan: What?\nMichael: Okay, calm down. I have a small problem.\nRyan: I told you not to call about small problems.\nMichael: Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas.\nRyan: That's good. They're creative, you're not.\nMichael: I'm creative, Ryan.\nRyan: It's not part of your job, it's like, maybe you can cook but it doesn't mean you should start a restaurant.\nMichael: Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.\nRyan: Okay, I'm not really interested in that right now. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals. It's a different skills set. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right?\nMichael: Yeah!\nRyan: But I'm good at managing people who do sales .\nMichael: Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity.\nMichael: All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet.\nMichael: Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today.\nAd guy 2: Okay, when should we come back?\nMichael: How about never hundred hours, sir.\nAd guy 2: We were sent here to help out.\nAd guy 1: Okay I'm not going to argue with this guy. Let's go. Good luck dude.\nMichael: Hey thanks. Thank you.\nDavid Wallace: [on phone] Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people?\nMichael: Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.\nRyan: I'm on Michael.\nMichael: What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime.\nDavid Wallace: This is weird.\nMichael: I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it.\nDavid Wallace: Okay, I'll see it tomorrow.\nMichael: Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way.\nMichael: Has anyone ever come up to you and said, 'You're not creative'?\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.\nJim: Who are you talking to, specifically?\nKevin: I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. [makes squinty face]\nOscar: When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain.\nMeredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.\nMichael: We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.\nPhyllis: [gasps] Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now.\nMichael: Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer.\nPhyllis: Okay.\nAndy: Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-?\nCreed: She's crazy hot.\nAndy: Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?\nAngela: That's not happening.\nAngela: I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.\nPhyllis: Bye everyone.\nMichael: Line it up Phyllis.\nCreed: Get her Phyll.\nDarryl: [singing] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain.\nAndy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly, Darryl: Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs.\nDarryl: Dunder Mifflin.\nAndy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.\nDarryl: Dunder Mifflin.\nAndy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.\nMichael: Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.\nDarryl: What's rap?\nMichael: Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix.\nDarryl: Great.\nAndy: News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: No talk, I'm animating.\nJim: Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. [pulls up Dwight's game] Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.\nPam: Are you serious?\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: Oh my God, he's really in pain.\nJim: [sighs]\nPam: Who's that?\nJim: Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever.\nPam: He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that?\nJim: Not much, it's just for tracking Dwight so-\nPam: Right... you're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too.\nJim: Yep.\nPam: You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar.\nJim: I... why don't we go back to this animation.\nPam: No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim.\nJim: Ah, show me how this works.\nPam: Oh boy.\nDarryl: [singing in different tune] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Call Dunder Mifflin.\nAndy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.\nDarryl: Dunder Mifflin.\nAndy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.\nMichael: Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.\nDarryl: You're right, it's better than you! It's us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin.\nAndy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.\nMichael: No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible.\nDarryl: You're on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away]\nMichael: Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl.\nDarryl: You just said you hated it.\nMichael: No. I said I hate the, the style.\nAndy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar.\nMichael: Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible.\nAndy: Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.\nMichael: Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?\nPhyllis: [crying] Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer.\nMichael: That'a girl.\nPhyllis: So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.\nMichael: Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?\nPhyllis: [sobbing] No.\nMichael: Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape]\nJim: I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one.\nPam: Maybe, but it's not good enough for me yet.\nJim: Okay. Do you want me to stay?\nPam: No no, you can go home. I'm good.\nJim: Pam is staying late tonight to uh, achieve her dreams. So I'm pretty proud of her, unfortunately she was my ride home.\nMeredith: You comin'?\nJim: I, ah...\nMeredith: Piss or get off the pot!\nPam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.\nJim: Good morning. [Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk] Yeah I'm sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns.\nPam: Thank you.\nJim: You're welcome.\nPam: I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.\nAndy: Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night.\nDwight: Andy, I can't hear this right now.\nAndy: No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We're makin' out, I'm kissin' her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she's like, 'Oh D, oh D.'\nDwight: She called you D?\nAndy: Yeah. D for Andy.\nDwight: Oh D.\nAndy: Oh D.\nDwight: [whispers] Oh D.\nAndy: Oh D!\nBoth: Ohhhhhh D! [laughing] Ohhhh D!\nMichael: I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. [dials phone]\nPam: [on phone] Yes?\nMichael: Pam, please clear my phone lines.\nPam: Certainly. [makes beeping noises] Okay, clear.\nMichael: They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God...I better call.\nMichael: [Ten days later] Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!\nEveryone: [watching ad] Oh! [clapping and cheering]\nBartender: Hey it seemed like a big hit.\nMichael: No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real.\nJim: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player?\nJim: Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it.\nMichael's Ad: [Chariots of Fire theme plays] It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. [people passing a Corporate Memo around to each other] Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. [Kelly catches paper airplane that says 'I love you'] And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time [newspaper with Andy saying 'Hometown Boy Wins Race'], and bad news isn't always what it seems. [Dwight hands Phyllis paper that says 'You have a son, and it's me'] Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. [Stanley finds paper that says 'Turn your life around. Now hiring at Dunder Mifflin'] To score. [Jim throws paper in basket, Michael retrieves it; it says 'World's Most Creative Boss'] Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world.\nEveryone: [claps and cheer]\nJim: Animation? All her by the way. [points at Pam]\nBartender: Really?\nJim: I just thought you should-\nBartender: The animation was cool.\nPam: Thanks.\nBartender: Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle?\nJim: Ahh. [puts his arm around Pam]\nKevin: Michael, that was fun.\nMichael: That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people!\nAndy: [singing] Claude Van Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. [speaking] It's gotta rhyme with 'piece.' Fancy Feast! [sings] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it.\nMichael: All right! So, anybody else? No bad ideas. Everybody, let's keep 'em coming... oh, God. Okay, Toby?\nToby: Well, you know how everyone fast forwards through ads these days? Well, what about an ad in slow motion. You know, if they fast forward through it, it'll just seem normal and it will catch your eye. Plus, uh, the slogan could be: Dunder Mifflin, we adapt to the pace of your business. [murmurs of approval by everyone but Michael]\nMichael: There are no bad ideas but for an idea, that was really, really bad.\nToby: I spent three years in advertising before I came here.\nMichael: And that is probably why most ads suck. [points to the ad men waiting outside the conference room] Oh, that's them! Those are the ad guys right there. All right, my very fortunate and creative group, go back to your desks and I will let you know when it is time to film. [everyone starts leaving the conference room] [loud whisper] Pam! Pam, come here for a second. Did you get the memo about dressing your best?\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: About dressing your best today?\nPam: Yeah, I distribute so I get all the memos.\nMichael: Cool. Cool, I just wanted to make sure you got it.\nPam: Yeah, I get all the memos. [starts to leave]\nMichael: Okay, good. Good.\nMichael: This is Pam Beesly, representing our girl next door. Pretty but nothing special. You know, but she sort of keeps it real. What you might want to do, is if you could zoom in, like really quick zooms on her. Might be good. [walking away] Who else? [pointing] Oh, Creed... is the old guy over there. Don't look at him. You might want to use him to sort of get that Orville Redenbacher dynamic going.\nAd guy 1: Sure.\nAd guy 2: Right.\nMichael: And if not we can just make him disappear. [walks quickly over to Jim's desk] This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face, don't you Jim? He is like our Mr. Bean.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: So do, um, do sad, do the sad face.\nJim: I don't want -\nMichael: No, that's skeptical. Do sad.\nJim: Mmm...\nMichael: That's, that's a pirate movie. [Jim stares at Michael] That's annoyed. Well, he doesn't do very well under pressure.\nAd guy 1: [shakes head] Yeah... no. [Jim turns to Pam with an exaggerated sad face; Pam laughs. Dwight walks towards Michael and the ad men]\nMichael: And anybody else, we can just hire an actor to replace. Follow me! Let's get this movin'. [Dwight goes back to his seat, embarrassed]\nMichael: All right, let's start.\nJim: All right! [sitting down behind Michael's desk] I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing, but...\nMichael: You are my producer, you are a suit. I am the creative genius. You take care of all the boring stuff, and let my mind just run free.\nJim: Yup.\nMichael: Now, we have eighty-five dollars, and a Sam Goody gift certificate...\nJim: Right.\nMichael: ...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow.\nJim: Mmmhmm. Why don't you start by telling me what you got.\nMichael: We start on a single blank sheet of paper.\nJim: Love it.\nMichael: And we widen to reveal ancient Rome.\nJim: Mm, can't do that.\nMichael: Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman's womb.\nJim: Definitely can't do that.\nMichael: Bull[censored] man!\nJim: You know what?\nMichael: This is bull[censored]!\nJim: Okay, Scott, why don't you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial.\nMichael: Ahhhh! [sweeps toys off his desk]\nJim: I'm just doing my job, man.\nMichael: If you don't let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk!\nJim: Good! Fine! I've got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee... [dialing phone]\nMichael: No! No! Jim, Jim, don't, don't...\nJim: What? What?\nMichael: No, I can do it.\nJim: What?\nMichael: I can do it good. I can do it good. Please, don't. Please. [kneels in front of desk] Please give me it.\nJim: Okay, make a commercial.\nMichael: [taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed?\nJim: Closed. [Michael leaves his office, gives Jim two thumbs up, which Jim returns]\nMichael: Hey, everybody, I just got off the phone with David Wallace, and he has given us the go-ahead to make the first ever Dunder Mifflin television commercial. Huh?\nEveryone: [applause]\nMichael: I can't hear you! [less applause] Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be...\nDwight: We had already applauded.\nMichael: Okay, okay. Who could do music?\nPam: How about Darryl?\nMichael: Actually, I'm a little concerned about having a black person do the music, because that could create a positive stereotype that could then become a... celestine prophesy, and keep the next Bon Jovi from ever picking up a piano.\nJim: Michael is on a mission to prove that he's creative. Which I think is odd, because Michael actually might be the most creative person I've ever known. Every day, Michael says and thinks things that no one has ever said or thought before."}
{"text": "Rolando: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando. Oh yes, she's been expecting your call. [knocks on door]\nKaren: Yeah.\nRolando: Karen? He's on line one.\nKaren: Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How's Scranton?\nKaren: I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.\nKaren: Look, All I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye.\nKaren: Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay?\nMichael: This is perfect.\nDwight: He looks like your twin.\nMichael: This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.\nDwight: I will know.\nMichael: But, you will not tell anyone.\nDwight: I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah.\nMichael: Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. [knock on the door] Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?\nStanley: I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.\nMichael: Just go out, and come back in.\nStanley: I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.\nMichael: What?\nMichael: Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.\nAll: [applause]\nMichael: No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.\nJim: Oh, I don't think that is what's happening.\nMichael: Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?\nStanley: I think it's because of my sales record.\nMichael: That could not possibly be it.\nMichael: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.\nMichael: How can I get you to stay?\nStanley: Money.\nMichael: Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving.\nStanley: Money.\nMichael: Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were-\nStanley: Money.\nMichael: Pssh, kay.\nPam: Oscar, did you bring it?\nOscar: To be Edwardian. His best work.\nPam: Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware.\nOscar: Sure thing Pam, can't wait.\nPam: Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive.\nOscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.\nJim: So tell me again why I can't be part of your club?\nPam: Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.\nJim: Oscar?\nPam: Some people.\nKaren: [on phone] Hello?\nMichael: Fillipellers, how's it hanging?\nKaren: Michael...\nMichael: To the left?\nKaren: Listen, I-\nMichael: To the right?\nKaren: I'm-\nMichael: Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.\nKaren: You called me.\nMichael: Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.\nKaren: I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him.\nMichael: No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby.\nKaren: Toby's not a salesperson.\nMichael: You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours.\nKaren: Oooh. Good-bye Michael.\nMichael: Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? [Karen hangs up]\nPam: I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica.\nMichael: Hi Ben, Michael Scott.\nBen: Hi Michael.\nMichael: I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.\nBen: Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?\nPam: [giggles]\nMichael: [to Pam] Get out. [to Ben] Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.\nBen: Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?\nMichael: No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say?\nBen: Seriously?\nMichael: What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House.\nDwight: Found him!\nMichael: Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.\nJim: So what are you going to do?\nMichael: What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples.\nJim: Did they?\nMichael: Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove, what the hell is that music?\nPam: It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things.\nMichael: That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll. Alright? [sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups] Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I- I have no words.\nJim: We just passed the exit for Corcroan.\nMichael: What? What? We did?\nDwight and Michael: Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.\nMichael: Look at his face! Look at his face!\nJim: What are we doing?\nDwight: Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah.\nMichael: What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?\nDwight: Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today.\nMichael: We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing.\nJim: We're going to Utica?\nMichael: Uh-huh.\nJim: I'm not going to Utica right now.\nMichael: Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim.\nJim: No.\nMichael: We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.\nMichael and Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica!\nMichael and Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica!\nMichael: In your face\nDwight: Yow!\nJim: I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.\nMichael: Are you calling Karen?\nJim: No, I'm not calling Karen.\nDwight: He's lying.\nMichael: Yep, get it.\nJim: What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight!\nDwight: [throws Jim's cell phone out of the window] Gah-ah-hah-ha!\nJim: Are you kidding me?\nDwight: No communication with the outside world Jim.\nMichael: It had to be done, it had to be done.\nJim: Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it, so...\nDwight: Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Hey Dwight, he found it.\nJim: You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here.\nMichael: Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever.\nJim: Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?\nMichael: Do you really wanna know?\nJim: Oh, God. [hangs up phone]\nMichael: Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.\nDwight: Or real bombs.\nMichael: No, no, not real bombs.\nDwight: Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.\nMichael: Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know.\nJim: No.\nMichael: It could be badass. Yeah, it will.\nJim: No, no absolutely we are not doing this.\nDwight: Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass.\nJim: Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?\nMichael: Teach her to offer Stanley more money.\nJim: So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.\nMichael: So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?\nJim: What?\nMichael: I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is...\nJim: Okay, you know what?\nMichael: ...awesome.\nJim: Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?\nMichael: Okay, I will start. Um, 'A.' [singing] 'A' my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell... Damn it! What do we sell? Um...\nJim: It doesn't matter.\nMichael: I'm trying to think of what we could sell.\nJim: Doesn't matter.\nMichael: Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound... The air-conditioning leaking or something?\nJim: That doesn't make sense, couldn't be.\nMichael: What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?\nDwight: I'm peeing in this empty can.\nJim: Oh my God!\nMichael: Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!\nDwight: Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.\nJim: Michael, watch the road!\nDwight: Hey, you're making me spray!\nMichael: I'll kill you man!\nJim: Michael! Michael, pull over!\nMichael: That is just so disgusting!\nJim: Pull over, pull over!\nDwight: I think I cut my penis on the lid!\nOscar: Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?\nToby: I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic.\nPam: And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right?\nAndy: [joins them at the table] Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit.\nOscar: What are you doing?\nAndy: Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious Pam.\nPam: Uh, I'm sorry Andy, but this is a closed club.\nAndy: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety.\nAndy: Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading.\nToby: Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club.\nAndy: Why can't I be in the club?\nJim: I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening.\nDwight: Believe it.\nMichael: Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?\nJim: No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car.\nMichael: Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I-\nJim: Guy's going by. Shh.\nMichael: You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.\nDwight: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.\nJim: No, no, you won't do that. Nope.\nDwight: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.\nJim: Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please?\nDwight: Okay, Jim.\nJim: Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go.\nDwight: Let's move! Move, move, move, move!\nJim: Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.\nPam: I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. [Kevin dumping change in the snack machine] And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention.\nKevin: Damn it!\nPam: It just- [Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine] To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh...\nOscar: Yes.\nKevin: Damn it! [banging machine]\nPam: Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer.\nOscar: Very brave. [Phyllis beeping microwave in the background]\nPam: Very brave choice also, I thought.\nOscar: And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. [Phyllis still beeping the microwave] Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um... What are you microwaving!?\nPhyllis: Popcorn.\nPam: Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?\nPhyllis: Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.\nAndy: So, Stanley, are you really outta here?\nStanley: Yep, looks that way.\nAndy: I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.\nMichael: [from the walkie-talkie] We are in a stairwell.\nDwight: [from the walkie-talkie] We are climbing some stairs.\nDwight: I'm breathing heavily.\nJim: Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.\nDwight: Well...\nMichael: There's a guy, there's a guy.\nDwight: There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?\nMichael: Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close.\nDwight: I can see the security guard's eyes.\nJim: No, no, don't do anything to them.\nDwight: I have to do something to his eyes.\nDwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.\nJim: Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.\nMichael: We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.\nJim: Isn't that thing huge?\nMichael: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.\nJim: No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this.\nMichael: Aha! [crashing]\nDwight: My hip bone!\nMichael: We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us.\nDwight: Don't leave us!\nMichael: Save yourself!\nDwight: Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!\nJim: Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-\nMichael: Dwight, you gotta move!\nJim: Damn it guys!\nMichael: Dwight, could you move over a little bit.\nDwight: I'm losing control of my bladder.\nJim: Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back!\nDwight: Did you say Karen?\nMichael: Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim.\nJim: No, I'm not doing that.\nMichael: Just say you wanna get back together.\nJim: No, I'm not doing that!\nMichael: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies.\nKaren: Jim?\nJim: Hey Karen.\nKaren: Uh, what are you doing here?\nJim: First of all, hi.\nKaren: What are you doing here?\nJim: You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so...\nDwight: Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.\nJim: Copy that.\nKaren: I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good.\nKaren: Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?\nDwight: Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.\nKaren: I'm taking Stanley.\nDwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.\nMichael: [whispers] Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. [they get up to leave]\nKaren: Jim, hang on a second?\nJim: Yes?\nKaren: So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?\nJim: Yeah, trying to quit though.\nKaren: If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult.\nJim: Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy seeing you, right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you...\nKaren: [huffs]\nJim: I mean, it's just that- [clears throat] You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see... you...\nKaren: Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you.\nJim: [slinking out of the room] Alright, you are welcome. I'm going to go because of, um, traffic.\nKaren: Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm.\nJim: I... will... [gives up and walks away]\nMichael: We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad.\nMichael: Um, wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart. [knock on the door] I can't do this.\nStanley: Michael? A word?\nMichael: Of course.\nStanley: I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job.\nMichael: Really?\nStanley: I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? [laughs] Sometimes I say crazy things.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility.\nJim: Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?\nPam: [nods head yes]\nAndy: Oh-oh, come on!\nJim: [Irish accent] Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I.\nOscar: Okay, did you get it out of your system.\nJim: Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read.\nToby: Fun?\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nToby: Really?\nJim: Yeah.\nToby: What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?\nJim: No, that wasn't fun.\nToby: Did you even read it?\nJim: Of course I read it.\nOscar: How does it end?\nToby: Who was the main character?\nJim: Angela. Nope. The ashes.\nPam: [mouths 'I'm sorry' to Oscar]\nAndy: And let me just add, that as a member of The Finer Things Club, I would bring a strong financial contribution to any discretionary funds that we may have. Finally, here is a recommendation from former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum.\nOscar: Okay, that's enough, uh. Thanks, Andy.\nAndy: Mmmhmm. [leaves]\nToby: He's gonna ruin everything.\nPam: Oh, my God. His letter of recommendation from Rick Santorum is three fifty-dollar bills.\nOscar: Wow. Now we can afford hard-cover books.\nToby: I like it just us three. [very quietly] I don't want it to change.\nToby: I love The Finer Things Club. My ex-wife used to have a book club, and I would read their book and sometimes listen from the kitchen.\nAngela: The Finer Things Club was not sanctioned by the Party Planning Committee. Renegade clubs are dangerous. I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group. They didn't need to gather. It was just gross.\nMeredith: [slurping her from her big cup] I don't know why I'm not in The Finer Arts Club [slurring]. It's bullcrap. [throws her cup on the floor, something splashes on the camera] You clean it up.\nAndy: [opens envelope Toby has handed him] Dear Andrew Bernard, after carefully examining your application to The Finer Things Club, we are unable to offer you a position at this place and time. We would, however, like to place you on a list in case an opportunity arises when your inclusion can be tolerated. Your position as an ongoing financial patron, however, is yours to cherish. Sincerely, The Finer Things Club. [pauses to consider] Yeees! [to Phyllis] I got waitlisted.\nAndy: I got into Cornell off the Wait List. A lot of people were like, 'Oh, you just got into Cornell because your dad donated a building.' No. Okay. I got into Cornell because I'm smart. I'm smart enough to have a dad who donates buildings to things.\nMichael: Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden... is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys.\nMichael: Woo! Shotgun!\nJim: Well, you're driving, right?\nMichael: Yes, I am, but I want shotgun for you.\nJim: Mmm... I'd prefer to sit in back.\nDwight: Wait! I wanted to sit next to you.\nMichael: No, Dwight! Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me. You're gonna sit in the back left where I don't have to see your ugly moongob.\nDwight: Okay, that is so mean! You know what, I'm not going.\nMichael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Dwight, you're handsome. You're a very handsome man, get in the car.\nDwight: Woohoo!\nPam: [on phone] So, there was no sales call.\nJim: Nnnno. Uh, turns out, it was just a really bad idea involving fire. But I think I fixed it.\nPam: Wait, you're going along with this now?\nJim: I have to. Pam, if I'm not there, someone's going to go to jail. Or die.\nPam: Right. And, you wouldn't be able to talk to Karen.\nJim: Well, I promise you that has nothing to do with it.\nPam: A little bit.\nJim: Well, yeah I don't want to see her get physically harmed, that's for sure.\nPam: Because you love her? [baby voice] Because you love her very much?\nJim: All right, I'm gonna go now.\nPam: Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend!\nJim: Okay, I will. [idiot voice]\nPam: I'm kidding around. We joke about that stuff all the time. I'm not really the jealous type, so, I don't care if Jim sees Karen. I care a little.\nSecurity guard: They sprayed me in the eye. [Dwight and Michael are trapped by/under a copier in the stairwell]\nDwight: [moans] Scranton rules! [sprays Silly Spray]\nMichael: Dwight! Stop it! [moans] Can you help me please, I'm being crushed.\nMichael: Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room? Like I begged you to? Pam would have understood. Heck, Pam would have done it.\nDwight: Pam is down for anything.\nJim: You embarrassed me.\nMichael: You embarrassed us.\nDwight: Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing."}
{"text": "Toby: I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did.\nMeredith: I love camping. [in a singing voice] Anything can happen.\nToby: Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. [Michael walks in]\nMichael: Morning.\nToby: Michael.\nPam: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a 'get to know you' weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.\nPam: Did you sleep in cabins?\nToby: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.\nPhyllis: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. [Michael laughs]\nPhyllis: Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited.\nPam: Who went?\nToby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, 'No more s'mores, no more s'mores.' [everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room]\nToby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside]\nMichael: [from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.\nToby: Michael wasn't invited.\nMichael: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real.\nJim: Got it.\nMichael: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?\nJim: Absolutely, yes.\nJim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.\nMichael: Really?\nJim: Yeah?\nMichael: Oh, you wanna go today?\nJim: And I am always busy.\nJim: Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood.\nMichael: How often can you actually donate blood?\nJim: Is there a limit?\nMichael: Your body only has a certain amount.\nJim: Well, is that it? Or?\nMichael: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.\nJim: How so?\nMichael: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands]\nJim: What's that?\nMichael: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself-\nJim: Right.\nMichael: In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.\nJim: Not gonna change.\nMichael: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.\nJim: I thought we had that looked at.\nMichael: I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place.\nMichael: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called 'Survivorman.' And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.\nMichael: OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.\nDwight: [winks] I'm on it. [leaves room]\nMichael: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what...\nDwight: Let's see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael's desk]\nMichael: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight.\nDwight: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, 'Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.' Well I say, 'It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.'\nMichael: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.\nPam: Do you want me to ask where you're going?\nMichael: No.\nPam: Great.\nMichael: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.\nPam: Oh.\nMichael: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.\nJim: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?\nMichael: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.\nJim: OK, great.\nMichael: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.\nJim: Yup.\nMichael: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.\nJim: That'd be great.\nDwight: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not.\nMichael: This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.\nDwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.\nMichael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.\nDwight: I would make sure that you were dead.\nMichael: Well...\nDwight: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.\nMichael: You...\nDwight: And they would call me the Overkill Killer.\nMichael: You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK.\nDwight: What are you doing?\nMichael: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been- [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing?\nDwight: It would be better if you were unconscious.\nMichael: No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it.\nDwight: Do you want to do this right or not?\nMichael: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?\nAngela: Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.\nJim: Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?\nAngela: Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?\nJim: I do remember, yeah.\nAngela: It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. [Jim exhales deeply] Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...\nJim: You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?\nAngela: What?\nJim: There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.\nMichael: [flashback to Stanley's birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.\nJim: And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to 'Happy Birthday.' And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.\nMichael: [flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday!\nKelly: Ahhh!! [drops the papers she was holding]\nMichael: [flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room] Happy Birthday!\nOscar: Ahhh! [runs into door and Michael laughs]\nMichael: [flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car] Happy Birthday!\nPhyllis: Oh! [Michael laughs]\nJim: So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.\nJim: We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time.\nAngela: I don't like it. [Angela leaves]\nPam: Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh?\nJim: It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?\nPam: Do you think it's a good idea?\nJim: No... I think it's a great idea.\nPam: [smiles] Hmm.\nDwight: We're here. [gets out of the car]\nMichael: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.\nDwight: [leading Michael from car] Here we go. Just the two of us [gestures for camera crew to follow]\nDwight: Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?\nDwight: Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets [leads Michael into some tall grass] Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.\nJim: You know, try sending them another invoice.\nOscar: Ok.\nJim: Alright. [starts walking away, but returns] Oh, did you see my memo by the way?\nOscar: [picks up and reads memo] 'Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today.' This is really cool.\nJim: Right? I was just thinking...\nOscar: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.\nJim: Right! Exactly. [pats Oscar on the back and walks away] Knew I could count on you. [Oscar rolls his eyes]\nDwight: Good a spot as any. [They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles]\nMichael: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just -\nDwight: I'm just -\nMichael: Stop.\nDwight: Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off] Behold.\nMichael: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.\nDwight: Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape.\nMichael: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug]\nDwight: Good luck, Michael.\nMichael: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off]\nMeredith: Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?\nJim: What's that?\nMeredith: I really prefer devils food cake.\nJim: Oh, sure.\nMeredith: Yes!\nJim: OK. [Meredith leaves]\nPam: Wow! That was easy.\nJim: Yeah, people like me I guess.\nCreed: [knocking from outside window in break room] Jim.\nCreed: I hate devils food.\nJim: Well I think Meredith was just -\nCreed: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.\nJim: Everybody's birthday.\nCreed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.\nJim: What do you want?\nCreed: I want pie. I want peach pie.\nJim: You want a birthday pie?\nCreed: I want a nice cobbler.\nJim: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.\nCreed: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.\nJim: It will be Angela.\nCreed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.\nMichael: [to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...\nDwight: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.\nMichael: There we go. [standing with short sleeves and short pants] Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts [ties jacket around neck].\nMichael: I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. [puts pant leg on head like a hat]\nMichael: See, this is a beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things.\nMichael: Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.\nAndy: Tuna. [rolls in chair to Jim's desk]\nJim: Andy.\nAndy: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.\nJim: Not your birthday.\nAndy: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.\nJim: Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no.\nAndy: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up.\nJim: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.\nAndy: Loud and clear. [rolls in chair back to desk]\nJim: Alright. [Andy rolls back]\nAndy: Pizza rolls.\nJim: OK, I'm gonna go into this office here [gets up and walks into Michael's office] to do some work. So I will be in here.\nAndy: Mushroom caps.\nMichael: I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. [screams] Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter.\nDwight: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. [pulls a nest from a tree] I hope he finds it. [picks up some bird eggs] Lunch.\nMichael: Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.\nDwight: About two more minutes [cooking bird eggs].\nMichael: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.\nMeredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them?\nKevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.\nStanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.\nOscar: Why don't you just have an apple?\nStanley: Why don't you mind your business?\nCreed: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care.\nOscar: Probably went to his head.\nCreed: Yeah. [Jim enters room]\nOscar: Hey, Jim.\nJim: Hey guys, what're we talking about?\nCreed: Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang.\nMichael: Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy [pats a large tree trunk] may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.\nDwight: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on.\nToby: [knocks] Hey Jim.\nJim: Toby.\nToby: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.\nJim: Oh, thanks man.\nToby: Yeah...\nJim: Is there anything -\nToby: My birthday was two months ago.\nJim: Oh, OK.\nToby: There was no party.\nJim: What?\nToby: Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.\nJim: I remember that.\nToby: I don't know, I just thought you could include me.\nJim: Seriously?\nToby: I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that.\nJim: Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. [in Toby voice] I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.\nJim: OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?\nAngela: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.\nToby: I'm allergic to mushrooms.\nJim: That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...[steps outside office] Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.\nPam: [raises hand] Conference room?\nJim: Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? [everyone raises hands] One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it.\nAngela: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?'\nKevin: Oh, I'll take 'em.\nCreed: Well nobody's touching my cobbler.\nPhyllis: [raises hand] Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.\nJim: Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.\nMichael: Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those [points camera to mushrooms] are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. [puts them in mouth]\nDwight: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! [runs up to Michael and knocks him over] Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. [picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth]\nEverybody: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday [Michael joins in with high note] to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. [Creed blows up candles on pie]\nMichael: Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want - OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something.\nMichael: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [shows off computer screen scenery] I can also make it the sky.\nMichael: Hey, buddy.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: What up?\nJim: Sure glad you're back.\nMichael: You are relieved.\nJim: You have no idea.\nMichael: So what did I miss?\nJim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.\nMichael: Oh.\nJim: So, terrible idea.\nMichael: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.\nJim: You did do it?\nMichael: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.\nJim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.\nMichael: That's what I said. That's what she said.\nJim: That's what who said?\nMichael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.\nJim: That's what she said.\nMichael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.\nMichael: Come in!\nPam: Oh, it's Creed's birthday today. Should we get him an ice-cream cake? Mint chocolate chip?\nMichael: Pam, are you my friend?\nPam: Oh, no.\nMichael: We have been friends forever, right?\nPam: Yes, I have been working with you forever.\nMichael: Hypothetically... would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you? And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping. That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you.\nPam: I don't think so.\nPam: Here's the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation.\nMichael: Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate?\nPam: I do.\nMichael: So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip?\nPam: No.\nMichael: Thank you for your honesty.\nPam: You're welcome. Open or closed?\nMichael: Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip, please? Is Jim out there?\nPam: No.\nMichael: Can you send Dwight in here?\nPam: Yeah. Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office. [Dwight runs in]\nDwight: You wanted to see me?\nMichael: Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss. [Dwight closes door, takes off glasses, kneels in front of Michael's desk] Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please?\nDwight: I'm on it.\nPam: Michael has employed Dwight to track you down.\nJim: How much time do I have?\nDwight: Jim, Michael's office.\nPam: Couple minutes, give or take.\nDwight: Now, Jim!\nDwight: And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side, as sharp as you'd ever want something to be. The other side serrated for maximum damage.\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument.\nMichael: All right, Dexter, just give me the knife.\nDwight: Don't you want a sheath for that?\nMichael: No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael] All right.\nDwight: Anything else? Flint...\nMichael: MmMmm. All I need...\nDwight: Parka...\nMichael: No, Dwight!\nDwight: Tent, rainfly, gorp...\nMichael: I'm telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive.\nDwight: Mmmnnnnmmm...\nMichael: [holding up knife] What is this called again?"}
{"text": "Oscar: So the figures show improvement right there, Michael. And again- [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note]\nMichael: I'll call back.\nKevin: You never call back.\nPam: Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-It note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every 10 minutes.\nMichael: [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that says 'Good Morning'] Yeah, um, tell him I'll call him back.\nJan: [laughing]\nMichael: You can't always work 200 days though.\nMichael: [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that has a smiley face] Oh, no, no, no, I don't have time for this. Tell him I'm in a meeting. [Jan looks impressed]\nRyan: You have to know how to work this. There's no excuse for this.\nMichael: Yep.\nRyan: I can get you a tutor if you need- [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note with a waving, smiling Hot Dog saying 'Hiya Buddy']\nMichael: Oh. Ah, this is a very important client. But, I have the most important client sitting right in front of me, my boss, so I will call him later.\nRyan: Oh, no, no, no, customer service is obviously priority one. You can take the call.\nMichael: N-No, money isn't everything Ryan. And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude.\nRyan: Take the call, friend.\nMichael: I refuse. My house, my rules, I insist.\nRyan: I insist you take your work calls.\nMichael: Uh, okay, all right. Pam, would you put the call through? [Pam pushes a button the phone] Hi buddy.\nJan: I don't know, it's just, ugh, I never felt welcomed there, you know? It's such a...boys club.\nMichael: Yeah, I hate that.\nJan: Good.\nMichael: So, here's the deal. Um, I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination law suit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.\nJan: And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.\nMichael: Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? I'm feeling a little queasy.\nJan: Um, no, I want it up. My hair.\nMichael: Well-\nJan: Remember, it isn't just a pattern, It's a pattern of disrespect, and inappropriate behavior.\nMichael: Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.\nJan: Does this work for you?\nMichael: Yep. Tell them how much you're gonna get if you win.\nJan: Uh, come on Micheal, that's tacky.\nMichael: Million dollars!\nJan: Four million.\nMichael: Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers, and I have also thrown in some errs, and ahhs, to make it seem like it's not memorized.\nJan: No, Michael. Oh, come on.\nMichael: Perfect crime.\nJan: Stop saying ridiculous things. He's just gonna tell the truth, the truth is-is very...you know, complicated, so we went over it carefully, and-and just so we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment.\nMichael: Could we please pull over and pull down the top, I do not feel good.\nJan: Michael, I told you, I am not putting the top down.\nMichael: I'm getting car sick! Ugh, I'm gonna puke. I think I'm gonna throw up.\nJan: All right, fine, just a second. Hold on.\nMichael: Hey, Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?\nLester: A good start. And I think it's busload.\nMichael: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. [To Jan] Where did you find this guy? Hey, there he is.\nRyan: Hey Michael.\nMichael: Hey hey.\nRyan: I'm glad you're here. I actually need to talk to you for a second.\nRyan: Could we talk off the record? As friends?\nMichael: I would love that.\nRyan: Jan... has put the company in a very tough position here. Now you've been with us for a long time. Over 10 years, right? We just want to be sure that you won't do anything to hurt us with your testimony. Do you understand?\nMichael: Abso-fruitley. Yeah. I'll-I'll do anything for the company.\nRyan: Good. That is great to hear.\nMichael: It is.\nDarryl: [playing ping-pong] Game, son!\nJim: All right, let's run it back.\nPam: The warehouse got a ping pong table last week. Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12.\nKelly: What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong?\nPam: Hi, Kelly.\nKelly: Guess whose boyfriend it is?\nPam: I don't wanna guess.\nKelly: I'll give you a hint: It's not my boyfriend. I think it's a guy over here [points to Jim].\nKelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact so I got the evidence right there.\nPam: Jim. Can I see you for a second?\nJim: Sure.\nJim: Wow.\nPam: Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do. You have to practice. You have to get real good and beat Darryl.\nJim: Oh, I can't beat Darryl.\nPam: Please? Kelly's trash talking me because Darryl is beating you.\nJim: What, seriously? What is she saying?\nKelly: [flashback, to Pam] Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.\nKelly: [flashback, to Pam] Jim couldn't hit a ping pong ball if it was the size of the moon.\nKelly: [flashback, to Pam] Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping pong?\nJim: So you're asking me to defend your honor against Kelly?\nPam: Sorta, yes.\nJim: Bring me players.\nPam: Okay.\nDiane Kelly: Hi everyone, I'm Diane Kelly. I'm the company's chief legal counsel.\nMichael: Hi. [Michael sees Toby] No, no, absolutely not. What is he doing here?\nDiane: Toby?\nMichael: Are you renewing your divorce vows, before my deposition?\nToby: Michael, I'm your HR Rep. I'm on your side.\nMichael: Never. I want him gone. I don't talk until he leaves.\nJan: Michael, just relax, okay?\nDiane: You know, I think they're, uh ready for us now. So..\nMichael: Okay. All right.\nDeposition Reporter: Mr. Scott. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?\nMichael: Yessh.\nLester: Mr. Scott, can you describe the circumstances of Ms. Levinson's termination?\nMichael: Well, it was not just termination. It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.\nLester: Oh. Very good. Well put.\nJan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.\nPam: Hey, Kevin. Jim needs to see you.\nKevin: About what?\nPam: He needs help balancing some travel receipts.\nKevin: Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts.\nPam: Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically. He's in the conference room.\nKevin: [enters conference room and sees ping pong table] Oh, awesome! [Pam puts 'Meeting in Progress' sign on the door]\nLester: How long have you known the plaintiff?\nMichael: I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen the firm, and I am planning on renting The Pelican Brief\nLester: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?\nMichael: Six years and two months.\nLester: And you were directly under her the entire time?\nMichael: That's what she said.\nLester: Excuse me?\nMichael: That's what she said.\nLester: Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior?\nMichael: Uh, wh-why would she say that?\nJan: Can we just move on to another question?\nDiane: No wait, I don't understand. Who's on record on saying this?\nLester: With all due respect, I'm in the middle of a line of questioning. Now Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said? Regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position.\nMichael: Come again? That's what she said? I don't know what you're talking about.\nJan: Okay, if I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question?\nLester: Oh, are you sure?\nJan: Uh, yes.\nLester: Can you go back to where this digression began?\nDeposition Reporter: [reading off paper] Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time? Mr. Scott: That's what she said.\nMichael: Well, delivery is all wrong. She's butchering it.\nKelly: [Pam leaving bathroom, Kelly entering, awkward moment, Pam steps aside to let Kelly in] Yeah, that's what I thought.\nLester: Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?\nMichael: She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.\nLester: Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?\nMichael: Um, to be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They... make milk.\nLester: You don't need to go any further. Her breasts.\nMichael: Yes.\nLester: She thought it had something to do with her recent breast enhancement surgery?\nMichael: Yes, and frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.\nLester: What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson? Could that have played a part in her termination?\nMichael: Well, if it did, then the company is breaking its own rules.\nLester: Interesting. How so?\nMichael: Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to HR. And I have the proof right here. [makes a gasping sound]\nDiane: Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you?\nMichael: I will allow it.\nDiane: Um would you mind please just, uh, taking a quick look at, uh, this photograph please. [Diane hands Michael the photo of Jan and Michael in Jamaica]\nMichael: Uh...\nDiane: That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica, is that correct?\nMichael: Uh-huh.\nDiane: And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to this start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott, the timeline here is actually very important. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?\nMichael: Ugh. Well, de-depends on how you define 'begin'. I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, that's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, that's like two years ago.\nDiane: Wait, excuse me?\nMichael: If it was the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that.\nLester: Could we take a short break?\nDiane: No, uh, are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February as you previously testified to here?\nMichael: Line.\nDiane: I'm sorry, what?\nMan: He asked for a line, like in a play.\nDeposition Reporter: [reading off paper] 'Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?' 'I did?' 'Yes you did.' 'Can I go to the bathroom?' 'No.' 'I really have to, I've been drinking lots of water.' 'You went five minutes ago.' 'That wasn't to go to the bathroom, that was to get out of a question.' 'You still have to answer it.' 'First can I go to the bathroom?' 'No.'\nJim: Good game Meredith.\nMeredith: Don't patronize me.\nDwight: All right! What is going on here?\nJim: Dwight! Thank God you're here. As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a ping pong master, and I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account. Can you help me out? Will you help me practice?\nJim: [Dwight and Jim are playing ping-pong, and Dwight scores] What the hell?\nDwight: I told you.\nDwight: All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao, J'rg Ro'kopf, and of course Ashraf Helmi. I even have a life size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.\nMichael: Jan and I had an off again, on again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case, and I am sorry, but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.\nDiane Kelly: Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know.\nLester: Wait, we'd like to enter to the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal.\nMichael: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary?\nLester: This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated Janruary 4 of this past year. 'Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hehe. Oh diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere, that it was a one time mistake. But we had sex six times so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie.'\nMichael: Irie.\nLester: Irie, sorry. 'More tomorrow. xoxo, Michael.' It would appear, that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word. Is that correct?\nDiane Kelly: We're gonna need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed.\nMichael: I don't think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary.\nDiane Kelly: It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.\nMan: OK, let's make ten copies of this diary.\nToby: Um, can you make it eleven?\nMan: Eleven, sure. And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look.\nMichael: [looking for a place to sit, goes to Toby's table] Can I sit here?\nToby: [nods] ...You know, I, uh, I know a little about what you're going through in a way. Um, when I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody, and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know, I didn't want them getting divorced in the first place you know? I loved them both so much. I just wanted... [Michael pushes Toby's food tray off the table and walks off]\nMichael: How can you give up my diary like that?\nJan: I had to, I'm sorry but I need to win this. We need to win this.\nMichael: How'd you even find it?\nJan: You keep it under my side of the mattress.\nMichael: I don't like lump. I'm really upset about this.\nJan: Alright, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.\nMichael: Fine. I love you.\nJan: I love you too.\nDiane Kelly: [looking at a copy of Michael's diary] Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan? Who you refer to her as 'Just as hot as Jan, but in a different way.'\nMichael: Not a woman, just a cool, great looking, best friend.\nLester: Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael or Jan were engaged in a romantic affair? Not Michael and this Ryan person.\nToby: [laughs out loud] Excuse me.\nMichael: Alright, alright. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan, and yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly didn't consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful.\nDiane Kelly: OK Mr. Scott, it's, it's admirable the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.\nMichael: Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.\nDiane Kelly: Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.\nMichael: That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot... [Jan glares at Michael] ...of water.\nDiane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind, uh, reading the date on that please? [slides the performance review towards Michael]\nMichael: March 17th.\nDiane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official, is that correct?\nMichael: Yes.\nDiane Kelly: You may read the, uh, highlighted portion out loud if you'd like to.\nMichael: [reading the performance review] 'I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee, and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and re-assigned to sales where he belongs.'\nDiane Kelly: Mr. Scott, after hearing that wouldn't you say Ms. Levinson's judgment is, at least, very seriously flawed?\nMichael: [stares at Diane, eyes tearing up]\nDiane Kelly: Mr. Scott?\nPam: [walks in the conference room where Jim and Dwight are playing ping-pong] How's it going?\nDwight: Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.\nJim: Check this out though, spin serve. [serves, and Dwight scores] Well, it works like 80% of the time, so...\nPam: Nice. So, should I reschedule the rematch with Darryl now?\nJim: I think I'm ready.\nPam: I'll make the call.\nDwight: Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? ...No, no, no. He works here, dumbass.\nJim: ...Right. Spin-serve! [serves, and Dwight scores]\nMichael: How can you do that to me?\nJan: [looks at Lester]\nLester: You can respond, just remember it's all going into the record.\nJan: Michael, I am not the enemy, OK? Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.\nMichael: Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect, with loyalty. They were going to give me your job and I should have taken it.\nJan: Alright, wait. Before you go any further, let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, OK? Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition.\nLester: Starting at paragraph 6. Council: 'Mr. Wallace, regarding Michael Scott, was he a contender to replace Jan Levinson?' David Wallace: 'Yes.'\nMichael: See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed.\nLester: Council: 'Was he your first choice?' David Wallace: 'Michael Scott is a fine employee who has been with the company for many years.'\nCouncil: Was he in the top 5 of contenders?' David Wallace: 'What do you want me to say? Come on, he's a nice guy. There were many people that I considered.' Council: 'Was he seriously being considered for the corporate job?' David Wallace: 'No.'\nLester: I have one more question, Mr. Scott. Wouldn't you agree with Ms. Levinson that the company exhibits a pattern of disrespect toward its employees?\nMichael: ...Absolutely not.\nPam: [watches Jim score in ping-pong against Darryl] Yes! Way to go. [looks at Kelly] See that?\nKelly: Yeah, the floppy haired girl you date won a point.\nDarryl: 19, serving 4. [serves and scores]\nKelly: Woooh! Nice baby! Nice one! [starts singing] Hey, hey, you, you! I don't like your boyfriend! Cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz he sucks at ping-pong!\nPam: You know what? I'm sick of this! Let's go, you and me!\nKelly: What?\nPam: Let's go. Pick up a paddle.\nKelly: OK. Bring it on.\nPam: I am.\nKelly: Think you can handle this?\nPam: In my sleep.\nKelly: OK. Volley for serve, P. [serves]\nPam: O. [hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net] [serves] P.\nKelly: O. [hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net]\nJim: Do you want to go play on the table upstairs?\nDarryl: Yes.\nDavid: Michael. I am very sorry.\nMichael: Oh, hey no biggie. Just...\nDavid Wallace: No, no, no, no, no. This was rough. We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this. I'm very sorry.\nMichael: [nods and shakes hands with David Wallace] Hey, David?\nDavid: Yeah?\nMichael: I think you're a nice guy too.\nDavid: Thanks, Michael.\nMichael: Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York, so... You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.\nMichael: [Driving with Jan in the car] What do you want to do for dinner?\nJan: How about Chinese?\nMichael: Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap.\nJan: That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.\nMichael: Do you fast food?\nJan: Fine, fast food's fine.\nJim: So, where did you learn how to play?\nCreed: Cambodia. You?\nJim: My friend's basement. All right, ready to start?\nCreed: Let's do this thing. [Creed loses the first point, tosses his paddle on the table and starts taking off his shirt. Jim retrieves the ball and looks back to see Creed with his shirt untucked and unbuttoned]\nJim: What are you doing?\nCreed: We're not playing strip pong? [Jim shakes his head no] Okay. [Creed picks up paddle]\nOscar: I totally see that. [looking at spreadsheet]\nJim: Right. There, first...\nOscar: Yeah, yeah.\nJim: I think that's the question that you had...\nPam: What are you doing?\nOscar: It's a problem with the client. I think, Jim...\nPam: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. [makes 'talking' gesture with her hand] Jim, come on, we gotta get in there and practice. Okay? I'm not kidding!\nJim: Wow. [heads toward the conference room]\nPam: Now. Get good work done. Concentrate.\nJim: All right.\nPam: On your backhand. [Jim opens the conference room door and enters]\nStanley: Booyah! [laughs]\nPhyllis: [laughing] Thought we were playing for fun.\nStanley: No one paid me to say 'Booyah.' Now pick up the ball.\nPhyllis: But it's closer to you.\nStanley: [kicks ball toward Phyllis] Now it isn't.\nJim: What are you guys doing?\nPhyllis: Oh, we're in a meeting.\nJim: Oh yeah, how long's this meeting going to last? [Stanley mumbles, looking at his watch]\nAngela: [calling in, unseen] I have next meeting!\nAndy: I played a lot of pong growing up. I spent a lot of time on cruise ships. I'm also a monster snorkler.\nAndy: Okay, you know what, this table's not regulation.\nJim: Good eye - it's an oval. [Andy compares his arm length to his side of the conference table] You're measuring the table.\nAndy: Do you know anything about physics?\nJim: Do you?\nAndy: Just serve. Let's go. [hits one into net] Dammit! These balls are weighted weird, aren't they?\nJim: Yup.\nAndy: Yeah. Get another one. [throws the offending ball at Jim, who takes another from his pocket]\nJim: Now, wait a minute. You're not gonna punch a wall, or me, or anything like that if you don't win the point, are you?\nAndy: I don't know! No, okay, just... serve!\nMichael: I have some, uh, experience. I, um, once had to testify in a traffic accident case.\nMan: Then you're an old hand at this.\nMichael: Yes. My testimony was actually very important, um, because the accident was my fault. [To Toby] Tell Meredith I said it another time [Toby nods].\nJan: Yes, Michael is going to be cross-examined today, which'll be very, very risky for me, nonetheless, not an easy decision to make, but it's a deposition. It's not going to be in front of a judge. And it's four million dollars.\nMichael: Before we continue, I would like to make an opening statement.\nMan: Fine. Please be brief.\nMichael: [clears throat and stands] Ladies and gentlemen of... the... table. I would just like to say what a joy it is for me to be here today, but frankly, at my age, it's a joy to be anywhere [no one laughs]. I'm only forty-four, so I'm not old, and I guess that doesn't really play. But the point is, I have a sense of humor. And I implore you all to have a sense of humor as well. Jan, David, my wonderful girlfriend [indicates Jan, then turns to David Wallace], my gorgeous company... Why don't we all just take a big deep breath... and just relax [breathes in deeply, no one responds]. Good. That feels good [sits]. All right. Everybody feel better?\nDiane Kelly: Two years ago, when you quote 'kissed and fondled in the Chili's parking lot' [Jan sighs and shakes her head], were you aware of company guidelines specifically discouraging that behavior?\nMichael: Na, Na-oh, Naa-es.\nDiane Kelly: Yeah, I'm sorry, that's not a word.\nMichael: Ye-ohh. Ye-no.\nDiane Kelly: Okay. Were you aware that when Jan was with you, she claimed to be visiting clients, or, uh, traveling to see her sister in Scottsdale?\nMichael: Very nice! [Borat voice]\nDiane Kelly: I'm sorry. Excuse me?\nMichael: High five! [Borat voice]\nJan: Sometimes when he gets nervous he, uh, talks like Borat.\nDiane Kelly: Okay, Mr. Scott, would you mind, um, speaking in your normal voice for us. Please.\nMichael: [shakes head] Can't stop.\nDiane Kelly: Okay [nods].\nMichael: Forgot normal talk."}
{"text": "Stanley: This is ridiculous.\nPhyllis: Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here?\nMichael: Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. [to Jim] Do you have plans tonight?\nJim: Nope I don't, remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we're working.\nMichael: Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! [on phone] This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! [hangs up] Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday.\nDwight: Thank you Michael.\nMichael: All right, happy Friday. [to Jim] Well I think we dodged a bullet there.\nJim: I think you did.\nMichael: I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?\nJim: Oh, I-\nMichael: You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said.\nJim: Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit, he got me. Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate.\nDwight: Michael, what time should I be arriving?\nMichael: Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy.\nAndy: Hey-o!\nDwight: Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? [breaks down crying]\nJan: Hi.\nMichael: Hello.\nJim: Hi.\nJan: How are you?\nMichael: Come on in. Good to see you.\nJan: Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe?\nMichael: Yes I would. So, what have you been doing?\nJim: Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago?\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: I have been getting ready and then driving over here.\nMichael: Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing.\nJim: Really?\nMichael: Except driving.\nPam: We got you this. [gives a bottle of wine]\nJan: Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with.\nMichael: Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa.\nPam: It's really nice.\nJan: So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetizers first?\nJim: Tour, let's do the tour first.\nMichael: Okay.\nJan: Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first?\nMichael: Totally your call babe.\nJan: Alright, well, let's go then, I say upstairs.\nJim: Oh, you guys doing a little construction?\nMichael: Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.\nJan: Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we're still a work in progress here.\nMichael: Well, thats...\nJan: This is my office.\nMichael: Yep, never been used.\nJan: Not super exciting.\nMichael: No.\nJan: And this is my workspace.\nMichael: This is it, check that out, can you smell that? [the room is filled with candles that say 'Serenity by Jan']\nPam: Uh-huh.\nMichael: As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here.\nPam: So you have an office and a workspace?\nJan: I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. [puts a candle to Jim's nose] Smell.\nJim: It's fire.\nJan: Uh-huh, Bonfire.\nMichael: Bond.\nJan: Men love this one.\nMichael: James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. [clicks tongue]\nJan: When I get frustrated, or irritated or... angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away.\nJim: Just like that.\nJan: Just like that.\nJan: So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white.\nMichael: Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color.\nJan: [puts away video camera facing the bed] Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up.\nMichael: Well, I-\nJan: Shame on you.\nPam: What a cute bench.\nMichael: Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.\nJim: Really? 'cause... seems pretty narrow... and short.\nMichael: It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. [Lies down]\nJan: See, he fits perfectly.\nMichael: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. [reveals a tiny TV] I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? [moves TV back a couple inches] Voila, right in the wall.\nJim: Wow.\nMichael: Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table.\nJim: What is that chestnut?\nMichael: No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry.\nJan: It's pine.\nJim: Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool.\nJan: Really?\nPam: Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn't have audio for a week.\nMichael: If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away.\nJan: I bet you are.\nJim: Well, I saw - oh your Dundies. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see.\nJan: It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said 'Honey keep the trophies.'\nMichael: Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies.\nJan: [doorbell] Oh, excuse us just a second.\nMichael: I'll get it.\nJan: [Andy and Angela enter] So glad you're finally able to be here.\nAngela: [Michael tries to hug Angela] No, no.\nMichael: Okay.\nAndy: Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? [to Pam] I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! [to Jan] These are for you. [hands flowers]\nJan: Oh, how thoughtful.\nMichael: Very nice.\nAndy: Except for one flower, which is for... my flower.\nJan: Aw.\nAngela: What am I supposed to do with this?\nJan: How 'bout we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner?\nPam: Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it.\nJan: Oh no no no, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done.\nPam: Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00?\nJan: You know Pam, in Spain they often don't start eating until midnight.\nMichael: When in Rome.\nJan: Do you have a preference, upstairs first?\nMichael: Whatever you say babe.\nJan: Follow me.\nMichael: All right.\nMichael: How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends.\nAll: Cheers.\nMichael: Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.\nJim: What was that?\nJan: So music, should we turn some music?\nMichael: Yeah that sounds good.\nJan: Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter.\nHunter's CD: You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah.\nMichael: You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him.\nJan: Well I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.\nAngela: Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes.\nPam: [To camera] I don't care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... at a dinner party.\nAndy: [playing charades] No it's a... hump. There's a hump.\nJan: Joe Camel!\nAndy: Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital.\nPam: Montana.\nJan: Oh!\nPam: Joe Montana!\nAndy: Yes! Yes.\nPam: Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?\nMichael: All right, [rhythim clapping] my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn.\nJan: Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down?\nMichae: What, no, I'm just making people laugh.\nJan: No.\nMichael: Yes, I was watching Jim's face.\nJan: I was watching Jim.\nMichael: And he was laughing.\nJan: No smiling.\nMichael: Look at him, he's laughing.\nJim: Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests' and they're both winning. So I'm going to make a run for it. [holds cellphone]\nJim: You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage.\nPam: Oh okay.\nMichael: Well you don't need two of you to do that.\nJim: That's true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam I'll see you at home, thank you so much.\nPam: Oh Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself.\nJim: I don't know because I everything I own is there.\nPam: You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party.\nMichael: That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right.\nAndy: Michael, you're up.\nMichael: All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom-\nJan: No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes.\nMichael: All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE.\nAngela: I don't know.\nJim: Katie Holmes.\nMichael: No, Baah! But he's married to her!\nJim: Oh, Dawson's Creek.\nMichael: No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.\nJan: No rhyming!\nJim: Not really a rhyme.\nAngela: Another clue, another clue.\nMichael: Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator.\nAngela: Those aren't helpful.\nJim: Tom Cruise!\nMichael: No!\nAndy: Time!\nMichael: God, does anybody read the paper?!\nPam: [Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering] Oh, thank you.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nJan: [eyes Pam] I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it?\nMichael: I don't like that story babe.\nJan: Come on, it's a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck!\nMichael: Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.\nJan: You are so right, you're so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil.\nMichael: Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me!\nAngela: You shouldn't joke about that.\nPam: Is there more wine in the kitchen?\nJan: I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get. It's okay, I don't mind. In fact you know what, girl's trip, Angela come on. Girl's trip.\nJan: [checking the oven] Uh, not even close.\nAngela: So you keep a very tidy house.\nJan: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam.\nPam: No, yeah. What?\nJan: Oh well don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated.\nPam: Oh, are you joking?\nJan: Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.\nPam: I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.\nAngela: I've noticed how you look at him at the office.\nJan: Mmhmm.\nMichael: [in the garage] So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand [the chairs are shaped like hands]. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.\nJim: Oh no she just put it in front of my face.\nMichael: Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of 'Serenity by Jan' What do you think about that?\nAndy: Thought about it, I'm in.\nJim: I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company?\nMichael: I'm sorry. [doorbell rings] What now?\nJan: Coming! [Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler]\nDwight: Hello.\nJan: What are you doing here?\nDwight: We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right?\nPam: [whispering] Awesome.\nJan: What is he doing here?\nAngela: Yes, What are you doing here?\nMichael: Dwight is my friend.\nWoman: We weren't invited?\nMichael: You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person.\nJan: Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want.\nMichael: Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?\nJan: We saw Wicked.\nMichael: When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.\nJan: I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let's have a [bleep]ing kid.\nMichael: Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away]\nJan: I hate my life.\nDwight: So can we come in?\nDwight: Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg.\nJan: [crying] I'm just gonna check on dinner. [Jan gets up from the table]\nDwight: Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?\nAngela: I hate beet salad.\nWoman: It's actually really good.\nDwight: Hey hey hey hey. [to Angela] I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times.\nAngela: The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.\nMichael: [leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.\nPam: [whispers] Like... like what?\nMichael: I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. [Jan serves the food] Hey, looks great babe.\nAndy: Yeah it does.\nPam: I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover?\nJan: [Michael dips his steak into his wine] Can you not do that? It's disgusting.\nMichael: You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that?\nJan: Oops.\nMichael: Excuse me for a second. [gets up from the table]\nJim: [to babysitter] So... how do you guys know each other?\nWoman: I was his babysitter.\nPam: And now you guys are dating?\nDwight: Purely carnal and that's all you need to know.\nJim: Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions...\nWoman: E-mail?\nJim: Nevermind.\nMichael: Ok... alright... here we go. [takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign] There. [plugs it in] Oooookay.\nJim: That's nice.\nMichael: Everybody enjoying their meal?\nJan: Hey babe?\nMichael: Yeah?\nJan: How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it.\nMichael: No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.\nJan: Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter's CD really loud]\nMichael: [to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good.\nJan: At least he's an artist.\nMichael: BFD. I'm a screenwriter.\nJan: [shouting] AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!\nMichael: NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!\nJan: FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!\nMichael: MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!\nJan: YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!\nMichael: OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!\nJan: AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST!\nMichael: [yells] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.]\nWoman: I'm gonna get going.\nDwight: Fine. Get outta here.\nJim: It's getting late.\nMichael: You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon.\nJim: [Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door] Of course\nDwight: Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.[to police] Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers?\nOfficer 1: Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance?\nMichael: Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.\nOfficer 2: The neighbors said they heard some shouting.\nMichael: Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.\nOfficer 1: You wanna press charges?\nMichael: Would she get into trouble?\nOfficer: Yes. She'd be charged.\nMichael: I will take the fall. I did it.\nOfficer 2: You know you don't have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet.\nJan: [running out the door)] Michael! [pleading] Michael. What are you doing to him?\nOfficer 1: Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here?\nDwight: [puts his hand on the Officer's shoulder] Michael can come home with me.\nMichael: Jim? Pam?\nJim: Oh... my apartment's on fire\nPam: [whispers] Flooded.\nJim: Flooded.\nDwight: You people. [to Michael] Come on. You're sleeping with me.\nMichael: No.\nDwight: I'm gonna take you home Michael.\nMichael: Nope.\nDwight: Alright. [leads Michael away]\nJan: Bye Babe!\nPam: [Pam and Jim are sitting in Jim's car in front of Detroit Coney Island Chili Dogs] This is the best burger I've ever had, babe.\nJim: You know, babe, I should have told you but... I did something bad.\nPam: Hmm?\nJim: [holds up Hunter's CD] I stole this. [Pam laughs] For you babe.\nPam: [Hunter's voice starts singing, Pam joins in] One night...\nMichael: My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn't come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm... And Jan definitely, if there was room.\nDwight: I'll tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. 'Oh hey guys, welcome to my home. Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup, hope you guys are hungry.' Meanwhile, the waiter suddenly nods at me. [Dwight nods] But I don't acknowledge him. But I know he's an assassin because I trained him. Boom. Two minutes later, five dead psychopaths at my dining room table. All that's left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect the reward. Ugh, it's almost too easy.\nJan: A little amuse-bouche, anyone?\nPam: [to Jim, quietly] Food!\nJan: Okay, trivia! Does anyone know what that means?\nAndy: I believe it means mouth pleaser.\nJan: Oh!\nAndy: It's French. I studied some French during my semester at sea. Or, shall I say a semester at la mer, which is French for 'sea.'\nAngela: Andy, was that coordinated by the Cornell Study Abroad Office?\nAndy: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.\nAngela: The reason I ask is that Andy went to Cornell.\nJan: [Michael comes out of the powder room to rejoin the group] Ahh, did you wash your hands, babe?\nMichael: Yes, I did, for you, princess. Even though I only went number one. [quietly to Jim] I didn't really wash my hands. Ohhh, what have we here? This looks delicious. [picks up amuse-bouche tray]\nPam: [quietly] Not with your hands.\nMichael: [touching and moving each amuse-bouche] They need to be presented... royally... anyone?\nAndy: Mmm. [takes one and eats it]\nMichael: Good stuff. All right. Let's get down to some wine drinking.\nPam: Oh, my God, [eating a bar in the hallway] I thought I was gonna pass out. [Jim takes it from her and takes a bite]\nJim: We should probably get back.\nPam: Mmm-mm. I'm probably just gonna stay here for a while, say I got lost.\nJan: [coming up suddenly] Are you eating?\nPam: It was just a little...\nJim: I didn't have anything, Jan.\nJan: Really, Pam. This is a dinner party. [walks away. Pam looks at Jim accusingly]\nJim: I'm sorry. She scares me. [walks away, Pam keeps eating]\nDwight: Michael's dinner party is for couples only, which is why I wasn't initially invited. But that was then. I very recently entered into a serious, monogamous relationship. [looking around] If that idiot ever gets here.\nJan: So, this girl that I basically grew up with becomes Miss West Virginia, and then suddenly, all the boys start paying attention to me. And it was funny because, you know, I never even considered myself beautiful until people started pointing it out to me. You know, 'Jan, wow, you are so much more beautiful than Miss West Virginia.' [laughs] Ah, so that is why I uh... wait, Pam, what was your, what was your question?'\nPam: Where did you grow up?\nMichael: It's been a rough couple of weeks.\nJan: Well, I just got into a little trouble with the neighbors.\nMichael: Little trouble. Yes. Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift.\nPam: Wow, you did neighborhood watch?\nMichael: Yes.\nJan: I did, and I had a very late shift and I had a little bit of wine and I fell asleep.\nMichael: So she's passed out, and some kids spray-paint a swear word on the neighbors' dog...\nJan: Yeah.\nMichael: And the neighbors blamed Jan.\nJan: Yeah. But, you know, it was my fault.\nMichael: It's like, you know, the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place. Anyway, it's a tragedy, really, because the paint is not gonna come off the dog until it sheds...\nJan: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: So...\nJan: Yeah.\nMichael: Well.\nJan: It was me!\nJim: What's that?\nJan: I spray-painted that dog. It was sleek, and shiny, and perfect little haircut, it was parading around like it was God's gift to this God-forsaken town [laughs] and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went over there and I held down my knee and I just spray-painted it until I was good and done. [claps] It bit me on the arm, [reaches out and taps Jim] I didn't even feel it.\nJan: What are you doing to him? What... [sees neighbors' dog] is this about that stupid, ugly mutt?\nNeighbor: She's a Weimaraner, you bitch!\nJan: Please, please. Don't hurt him, okay?"}
{"text": "Pam: W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.\nJim: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.\nPam: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim.\nJim: Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.\nPam: Nature.\nOscar: Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.\nAndy: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.\nKevin: [sitting down, rubbing his feet] I will quit. As God as my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.\nPam: Some of us like the walk more than others.\nKevin: [off screen] Hurts like hell.\nPam: [to Michael who is looking at a chair catalog] Did you pick a new chair? It's been awhile.\nMichael: Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.\nPam: But instead, you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.\nPam: Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. [makes a shrrhhh sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down] I really want it.\nMichael: [holding up the catalog] Have you ever seen this woman?\nPam: Her?\nMichael: Hmm...\nPam: The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair?\nMichael: Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.\nPam: Or in a great chair.\nMichael: Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?\nPam: I definitely remember your dinner party.\nMichael: I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.\nPam: Actually, I put the catalog in your hands 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.\nMichael: What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.\nMichael: Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. [phone rings]\nCreed: [on phone] Yo, is this his new chair?\nPam: [on phone] No, he hasn't picked one yet.\nCreed: [on phone] Daat!\nCreed: When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.\nMichael: I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all.\nAndy: I left my cell phone in my car.\nPhyllis: Call us when you get there so we know you're OK. [Andy gets up and leaves]\nMichael: [to Kevin] Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up?\nKevin: If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I'd take her for myself.\nMichael: I thought that you were engaged?\nKevin: Nope. Stacy broke up with me.\nMichael: Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends?\nKevin: Not anymore.\nMichael: Oh...\nKevin: It's a bitter situation.\nMichael: Yeah... ugh. She's... [gets up and leaves] you don't deserve her. Alright.\nMichael: [sitting on Oscar's desk] Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm...\nPhyllis: Michael?\nMichael: What?\nPhyllis: I have a friend who's single.\nMichael: Oh.\nPhyllis: Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality, too.\nMichael: Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?\nPhyllis: Umm, no, she's a professional softball player.\nMichael: Oooo. Catcher or in field?\nPhyllis: Umm I don't know Michael.\nMichael: Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?\nPhyllis: What are you asking?\nMichael: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you're not answering the question.\nPhyllis: No, alright no, she can't fit in a row boat.\nMichael: Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK!\nMichael: What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry.\nMichael: Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes.\nAngela: I don't think that this is-\nMichael: Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear 'Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la.' No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired.\nDwight: [gets up from chair] Write legibly people.\nAndy: Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot.\nMichael: Hmm..\nAndy: It's like a ten minute walk.\nKevin: No, thirty.\nMichael: Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [thinks] OK, yes that would be bad.\nKevin: Yes.\nAndy: Yes.\nMichael: That would be bad.\nAndy: OK.\nKevin: Nice.\nAndy: ...So help us out.\nMichael: Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.\nKevin: Michael, please he-\nMichael: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves.\nAndy: We won't let you down.\nMichael: Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, [Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office] don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards.\nStanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.\nPhyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway, he can just deal with it.\nPam: [to Jim] Who are you putting down?\nJim: Oh, you don't know her.\nPam: Who is it?\nJim: Your mom.\nPam: Yeah, whatever. [Jim holds up the card] [Pam laughs] Give it to me. Give it to me.\nMichael: Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. [Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.]\nWendy's phone operator: Wendy's.\nMichael: Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael.\nWendy's phone operator: This isn't Wendy.\nMichael: Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please?\nWendy's phone operator: Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.\nMichael: [under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?\nWendy's phone operator: You have to come to the restaurant to order food.\nMichael: Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready.\nWendy's phone operator: It's ready now.\nMichael: Well put it aside. [hangs up the phone] [Dwight enters] Umm... yeah.\nDwight: OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies.\nMichael: Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model...\nDwight: I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit.\nMichael: That sounds good. [both smile] Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go.\nDwight: [on phone] That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed.\nDwight: The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. [reads from notepad] Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed.\nMichael: She's dead? [Dwight makes knife slitting noise] She's so young.\nDwight: She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.\nMichael: Oh, God. Oh...\nDwight: Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. [gets up and leads Michael to sit in his chair] Here we go. Yeah.\nJim: Michael, you didn't even know her.\nMichael: Try not to be so hurtful Jim.\nDwight: Jim, how dare you. [Jim's face is in shock]\nMichael: Please, not at a time like this. [sighs]\nPam: OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.\nMichael: Oh really? What's her name? Burger King?\nPam: No, I mean it. [walks towards Michael] She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. [hands over card to Michael]\nMichael: I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?\nPam: I'm setting Michael up with my land lady. She's really sweet and... whatever, I just can't take Michael like this.\nMichael: No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.\nKevin: We need to assemble the five families.\nMichael: [while brushing teeth with an electric toothbrush] No, not the five families.\nKevin: We have to.\nKevin: The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him 'Cool Guy Paul.' W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A Bad Ass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye. Bill Cress is super old and really mean.\nMichael: [still brushing teeth] Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now.\nKevin: [to Andy] I'm calling the meeting anyway.\nMichael: [to cashier at coffee shop] Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette [cut to a blonde woman in a skirt]. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. [woman walks right by and doesn't respond]\nMargaret: Michael?\nMichael: [turns around to see the woman from his description] Ugh.\nMargaret: Are you Michael Scott?\nMichael: Is who a Michael what?\nMargaret: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.\nMichael: Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK...\nCoffee shop worker: Michael? Michael? [reads cup] Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.\nMichael: So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What...\nMargaret: You're asking what I do with the checks that people write to me?\nMichael: Just making conversation.\nMichael: Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us?\nMargaret: I don't know.\nMichael: You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. [holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan] Look at that.\nMargaret: She's beautiful.\nMichael: Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know.\nJan [on phone]: Michael? Hello? Michael? [Michael hangs up phone]\nMargaret: I'm gonna head out.\nMichael: Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus.\nMargaret: That's incredibly rude.\nMichael: Now you ruined it. [gets up and leaves]\nBob Vance: Where's Scott?\nAndy: Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement.\nW.B. Jones: Let's just meet back in an hour.\nAndy: Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.\nKevin: [nervously stuttering] I... have... things...\nW.B. Jones: Alright, what do you want?\nAndy: Well first of all, I'd just like to say [pulls out note cards] what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen.\nW.B. Jones: You have about ten seconds-\nKevin: We want our parking spaces back!\nPaul Faust: Whose parking spaces?\nKevin: W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and-\nBill Cress: Ohh... God...\nPaul: I don't have time for this you guys. [to W.B. Jones] Just give 'em back their spaces.\nW.B. Jones: OK.\nPaul: We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail.\nKevin: After Stacy left, things did not go well for awhile. And, and it was hard to see... [starts breaking up] It's just nice to win one.\nMichael: Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me?\nPam: She's sweet and cute. I thought you'd get along.\nMichael: Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...[walks away back to his office]\nJim: [walks up to reception] Margaret?\nPam: I know.\nJim: You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment. [both laugh]\nPam: Oh I don't care, I didn't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move.\nJim: Oh really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.\nPam: Yeah, maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too.\nJim: OK, sure. Let's do it. [Pam laughs]\nPam: No, I umm, well I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.\nJim: Have I not proposed to you, yet?\nPam: Hmm, I don't, know...\nJim: Oh, well, that's coming. [smiles]\nPam: Oh, right now?\nJim: No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame.\nPam: OK, so then, when?\nJim: Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works.\nPam: Oh, right, yeah.\nJim: Wait, I'm serious. It's happening.\nPam: Ohh kay.\nJim: And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp.\nPam: I've been warned.\nJim: I am not kidding. [shows camera an engagement ring] Got it a week after we started dating.\nMichael: I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... [sighs]\nDwight: You know what you need? Closure.\nMichael: You're right. What do you mean though?\nDwight: There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye.\nMichael: Hmm.\nDwight: Come on. I'll drive.\nKevin: We did it.\nAndy: [at same time as Kevin] I did it.\nKevin: We got our spaces back.\nOscar: Wow. [Stanley laughs and high fives Kevin]\nPam: Nice job.\nJim: Nice. [fist bumps Kevin]\nAndy: Yeah, there it is. You're welcome.\nAndy: Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.\nMichael: [looking at the chair model's headstone] How did she die?\nDwight: I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger.\nMichael: God.\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: She was so innocent.\nDwight: She was stoned apparently.\nMichael: You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do?\nDwight: You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive.\nMichael: Oh, you move on.\nDwight: Yeah.\nJim: Where do you want to go for dinner?\nPam: I don't know, I kind of hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what [Jim gets down on one knee], that one...\nJim: Hey Pam, will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?\nPam: [smiling] I hate you. [walks away]\nJim: What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? [Pam laughs] Oh my God, you thought I wa- oh.\nPam: Oh, oh.\nJim: No, no, no.\nPam: How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that?\nMichael: [singing] Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids...drinking whiskey and rye, oh why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off [with Dwight] and die?\nMichael/Dwight: [singing] OH! You believe in rock 'n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then [jumbling up the words] can you have to dance real slow. Well, I know that you're in love with him. 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. [more jumbled words] 'You both kicked off your shoes. Those rhythm and blues...\nMichael: Return.\nDwight: Rhythm and blues...\nMichael: This'll be [with Dwight] the day that I died.\nMichael: It is moving day. I have spent the last month here at Dwight's lovely farm, taking a little bit of a vacation, clearing my head after Jan and I, um [Dwight puts his fingers to his head and makes a shooting noise] ssp... No, I did not kill her. We were just at different places in our lives. No, I thought I'd be the bigger man and allow her to stay at the condo. She has since moved on; she is staying with her sister in Scottsdale. Fresh outlook, and it's all good.\nDwight: Okay, so look that over, make sure it's accurate.\nMichael: Oh. What is this?\nDwight: Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount.\nMichael: You were charging me? I'm your friend.\nDwight: You occupied the America room for six weeks. That's our most popular room.\nMichael: There was no other guest the entire time I was here.\nDwight: Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year.\nMichael: Okay. All right, Dwight. Take my money. Go ahead. Keep in mind that this whole thing was just a business transaction. The late nights, the talks, the slumber parties, the crying jags, that was all business, that had nothing to do with friendship, and being friends. Just ring me up. Go ahead [Dwight tears up bill].\nMichael: Thank you, Dwight.\nDwight: We don't take debit cards, anyway.\nMichael: Dwight, little help with the bags, please.\nMichael: So, what about you, Angela? Do you have any single friends?\nAngela: I don't.\nMichael: A cute little religious type, someone who wears a uniform, or...\nAngela: A Catholic schoolgirl?\nMichael: No, no, obviously older.\nAngela: A nun?\nMichael: Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI.\nKelly: Hi, Michael.\nMichael: [sitting at her desk] Hey, Kelly.\nKelly: Yeah, what are you doing here?\nMichael: Nothing. Just hangin'. Chillin'. No agenda. Would you consider hookin' me up with one of your friends?\nKelly: Oh, all my friends are crazy. My one friend, Brianna...\nMichael: Yeah?\nKelly: Oh, my God...\nMichael: That's hilarious. What's her number?\nKelly: She's 23.\nMichael: Mmm... nah, that's too young.\nKelly: Actually, I know a ton of people that I can set you up with!\nMichael: Oh.\nKelly: Some of my friends' parents, they're getting divorced now. [Michael gets up and starts walking away] So I think some of those, like, older ladies, they're really looking for a guy to go on a date with.\nMichael: ['Rita Klondike 507' is written on an index card] All right, time's up! Pencils down. Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward.\nToby: Forcing your employees to set you up is not a, uh, uh, technical violation of any Dunder Mifflin rule. You know, but neither is forcing them to help you with a shot-by-shot remake of Indiana Jones. Huh-how do you make a rule book like that?\nMichael: Pammy?\nPam: I don't have anybody.\nMichael: You don't have one single girlfriend?\nPam: No...\nMichael: I'm not looking for a perfect 10 here, just somebody to hang out with. Just fun, healthy young woman.\nPam: Sorry.\nMichael: A kindergarten teacher, who is great with kids, maybe an ex-model, and now she wants to do something with her brain?\nPam: No, I don't, I...\nMichael: How 'bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side?\nPam: I just...\nMichael: You know, just a fun, guh, look, there, here, it doesn't have to be a model. I'm not, don't rule out model, but just in terms of models, there are like twenty different categories. There's face models, hand models, body models [Jim raises hand] - yes.\nJim: I actually know a sex model.\nMichael: Really?\nJim: Yep. Yeah. She's blind, is that a problem?\nMichael: No, I am, it's all about the personality, Jim.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Are you talking about Beverley?\nJim: Yes.\nPam: Because she's not a sex model. She's a tollbooth operator.\nJim: Oh, yeah.\nMichael: Send me a picture.\nMichael: So far, these are my leads. A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher. It's a start."}
{"text": "Pam: What's wrong Michael?\nMichael: I got gum in my hair.\nPam: You do.\nMichael: This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it.\nDwight: You've got a ton of dandruff.\nMichael: OK, let me be.\nJim: How'd you get gum in your hair?\nMichael: I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil.\nJim: But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.\nMichael: Kill me... right now.\nPam: We have peanut butter in the kitchen.\nMichael: I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.\nJim: Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am.\nPam: No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad.\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.\nMichael: Smells good.\nDwight: Taste good too.\nMichael: Oh don't. That's disgusting.\nDwight: Wow! Lot of calories.\nMichael: Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice.\nDwight: Hey Michael, how was your date last night?\nMichael: [sighs]\nMichael: I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness.\nOscar: I am livid, Absolutely livid.\nAngela: It's ridiculous.\nRyan: Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can re-enter sales that they made on the phone as sales that were made by the website which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working.\nRyan: My favorite branch. How's everybody doing?\nJim: Hey man, you mind if I run something by you?\nRyan: Love it. Go.\nJim: Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that.\nRyan: I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that.\nJim: Thanks.\nRyan: David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?\nJim: Did I? I don't...\nRyan: You did. Yeah.\nJim: Hmm.\nRyan: Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding.\nMichael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or...\nRyan: Ok thanks Michael.\nMichael: Yeah.\nRyan: I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions.\nDwight: Question.\nRyan: Dwight.\nDwight: Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made?\nRyan: This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site.\nStanley: I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I'm not seeing commissions on that.\nRyan: I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O.\nStanley: When will that be?\nRyan: TBD. Phyllis?\nPhyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the...\nRyan: Yes, yes they did, yes they did.\nRyan: Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators.\nDwight: I don't understand why our website has to have social networking at all.\nJim: Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one.\nRyan: It's all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store.\nJim: And then an older gentleman asked you 'Boxers or briefs?'\nCreed: I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site.\nKelly: If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself.\nRyan: Do you have a question Kelly?\nKelly: Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?\nMichael: [slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good.\nMichael: Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend.\nRyan: You too.\nMichael: Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan]\nRyan: Michael let me go. Let me go Michael.\nMichael: Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me.\nRyan: Na.\nMichael: Na?\nRyan: Sorry man.\nMichael: Well you tried.\nRyan: But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city.\nMichael: Yeah.\nRyan: Unreal.\nMichael: They sound great.\nRyan: Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace.\nMichael: Would you have sex with Meredith?\nJim: What?\nMichael: Do you think she'd keep it quiet?\nJim: I'm gonna go to my desk.\nMichael: Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that...\nJim: I know.\nMichael: Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan.\nJim: I can't.\nMichael: Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome.\nJim: I'm not single.\nMichael: Who you dating?\nJim: Pam.\nMichael: That's still going on?\nMichael: Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls.\nDwight: Yeah!\nAndy: Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro' time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I'm saying.\nAngela: I'm right here.\nDwight: No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three.\nMichael: Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift.\nAngela: We get it.\nMichael: I am going to go get laid. Goodbye.\nDwight: [laughs] With sex!\nMichael: That's... I, I think that...\nJim: You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn't have to come in at all tomorrow.\nJim: So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas... the one time a year they hear one.\nMichael: Ryan's assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative.\nMichael: Place is packed.\nDwight: Fire hazard.\nMichael: Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall.\nDwight: Women look like white slaves.\nMichael: No, they're just hotties.\nRyan: I don't know man, when you think about it, Cabo's really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour.\nMichael: Hey.\nRyan: Michael.\nMichael: Hey!\nRyan: What are you doing here?\nMichael: Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada.\nRyan: That is so awesome man!\nMichael: Alright!\nRyan: And you brought this guy!\nMichael: Yeah.\nRyan: Aww!\nMichael: Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.\nRyan: I know it's you guys.\nMichael: Ok.\nRyan: I'm so psyched you're here!\nMichael: Well.\nRyan: Woooo!\nMichael: Alright!\nRyan: Let's get a drink.\nMichael: Let's do it!\nJim: Thanks a lot guys, Good job.\nKevin: Later.\nJim: Nice job everybody. Great work.\nStanley: Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?\nJim: Nope. I didn't, but let's go inside and I can call him right now.\nPam: You can't, I locked the office from the inside when we left.\nStanley: Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead.\nPam: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, 'What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?' He said, 'If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.'\nRyan: Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy.\nMichael: Hey, nice to meet you.\nTroy: Hey, how ya doing?\nDwight: Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character.\nRyan: Ah, he basically is man. He's a regular banking wizard.\nDwight: No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit.\nRyan: Bottle service ya'll?\nMichael: Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.\nWaitress: We don't serve food here.\nMichael: Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries.\nDwight: Do you live in a regular sized house?\nRyan: Yeah. He's a normal guy, he's cool.\nJim: You really don't have his phone number?\nPam: I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number?\nToby: I might have it in here.\nPam: Aw! That's great Toby.\nToby: It's so random that I have it.\nPam: Toby, you're the best.\nToby: When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it.\nJim: Great, It's under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or...\nToby: No.\nJim: It's ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick.\nAndy: Yes, it's Eddie.\nJim: It's not, it's not Eddie, it's ah, Evan or...\nCreed: Hank, his name is Hank.\nJim: No guys his name's not Hank, it's ah, is it Edgar?\nPhyllis: Elliot.\nOscar: Elliot!\nJim: Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief, this is Jim Halpert from um... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk... you're, you're the, the Afri... African-American guy, I mean you're. Ah... Who, Who've I got here?\nRyan: Dwight Schrute man. How's Schrute Farms?\nDwight: Good.\nRyan: This guy owns his own beet farm.\nTroy: Insane.\nDwight: Well it's weevil season but we were prepared.\nRyan: Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don't even know what that means. What does that mean?\nDwight: They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out.\nRyan: Crazy. That's too much for me man, I'm gonna hit the bathroom.\nDwight: You've already been several times.\nRyan: Yeah.\nDwight: Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection.\nRyan: I don't know, maybe.\nDwight: I'll order you some cranberry juice.\nRyan: With vodka, you're the best.\nDwight: [to troy] Do you have powers?\nJim: [on phone] Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. [to office co-workers] Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he's gonna let us all out. [lowers voice] He said it should just be under an hour, so... [everyone groans] we did it.\nOscar: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.\nToby: Sorry guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.\nAngela: Yeah, neither did I.\nPhyllis: Jim was supposed to collect it.\nJim: Yup...\nKevin: Way to go, man.\nKelly: Now he's never gonna come.\nAndy: By a show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam? [people raise hands]\nPam: Phyllis.\nMichael: I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting 'Back to the Future.' 'Back' because it's on my back and 'Future' because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie.\nGirl in Club: I've never heard of that movie.\nMichael: Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course.\nGirl in Club: How old are you?\nMichael: Forty... I'm in my forties.\nGirl in Club: Wow. That's so cool.\nMichael: Nuhh...\nGirl in Club: Well I'm gonna go back to my group now.\nMichael: Oh, OK.\nGirl in Club: Thanks for the drink.\nMichael: You are welcome.\nMichael: This place is like sexy pre-school.\nRyan: Did you want a place where we could meet older women?\nMichael: I would love a place where we could meet older\nRyan: Hell yeah. I'll hook it up. [smashes beer bottle on the floor]\nMichael: Ahh, wow. That's dangerous.\nRyan: [to bouncer] Check again, Ryan Howard.\nDwight: [to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder] Excuse me.\nTall Girl #1: Yeah?\nDwight: [referring to girls in front of him] How did you all find each other?\nTall Girl #1: Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs.\nAll Girls: Wooo!\nDwight: Amazons.\nRyan: [to Dwight, Michael and Troy] It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks.\nMichael: You're kidding.\nRyan: Let's bail. [starts to leave]\nDwight: Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. [turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players] You two, Jersey State girls, let's go.\nTall Girl #2: We're not going unless we can all go.\nDwight: OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him [referring to Troy]. Let's go, c'mon. Here we go.\nToby: Hey, look what I found in the back. [shows a football to Pam] Wanna play? Teach you to throw.\nPam: I know how to throw a football.\nToby: Course you do.\nAndy: Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! [Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face]\nMeredith: Owww!\nKevin: Oh God.\nBartender: There you go.\nDwight: Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this?\nBartender: It's for you. From them. [points to Jersey State girls across the bar]\nDwight: Oh. [dumps drink out]\nTroy: What are you doing man?\nDwight: It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. [to girls] Nice try.\nMichael: I've never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool.\nGirl in 2nd club: That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do?\nMichael: I am a bank teller.\nMichael: Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.\nGirl in 2nd club: Cool.\nMichael: I think so.\nGirl in 2nd club: Yeah.\nMichael: Yeah, I have fun.\nGirl in 2nd club: I'm just gonna just use the powder room.\nMichael: All right.\nGirl in 2nd club: So I'll see ya soon.\nMichael: Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan]\nMichael: She washes dogs.\nRyan: You're doing it man.\nMichael: I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom.\nRyan: Hey man, you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they'll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare's gonna rule the world?\nMichael: Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy]\nRyan: It's inevitable, right?\nMichael: Hmm...\nJim: [on phone] Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up.\nHank: Hello?\nJim: Haaank. Is that you?\nHank: Yeah.\nJim: Still haven't left the house yet, huh?\nHank: I'll get ready to leave.\nJim: Good. Please hurry.\nHank: [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!\nJim: Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling.\nMichael: [on phonne] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I've asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They're just, it's not... [Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over] Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls.\nPam: Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow.\nOscar: Why?\nPam: I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. [a few chuckles]\nToby: More like 'Everyone let's get your boss laid Saturday.' [more laughs] [Toby puts his hand on Pam's knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand] I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. [runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away]\nMichael: [Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club] Those girls really wailed on you bad.\nRyan: Why wouldn't they let me dance?\nMichael: Well...\nTroy: OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. [runs away]\nMichael: Pretty weird. [Dwight and tall girl run out of club]\nTall Girl #1: [to Dwight] You have to go with me.\nDwight: I do, I have to go.\nTall Girl #1: Stay. Stay, please?\nDwight: No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright?\nTall Girl #1: Call me.\nDwight: Uh huh. [to Ryan and Michael] I'm not gonna call her.\nMichael: Let's go.\nRyan: I don't wanna go back in.\nMichael: I know, here we go.\nJim: [notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate] Cleaning people. Oscar. [everyone starts to walk outside] OK, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, 'cause I think they can help us.\nOscar: Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?\nJim: I... just... if they speak Spanish.\nOscar: [to cleaning people] Good evening, we locked ourselves in. [women don't respond] Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, OK?\nCleaning lady: Ohh...\nOscar: They\nJim: Lucky us.\nRyan: This is a one time thing, you know that right? [they walk into Ryan's apartment]\nDwight: Wow.\nMichael: This is it.\nDwight: All right.\nMichael: This is where the magic happens.\nDwight: Nice.\nMichael: Very nice.\nRyan: One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have...\nDwight: I got sofa. I got sofa.\nMichael: Dwight, I'm the boss.\nDwight: I got floor.\nMichael: Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on.\nDwight: [to Ryan] Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick?\nRyan: No. [Dwight starts singing in German]\nMichael: Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone.\nDwight: It's a lullaby.\nMichael: Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off.\nRyan: No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?\nDwight: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.\nMichael: Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.\nRyan: Guys, I'm going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, OK?\nDwight: OK. Good night Ryan.\nMichael: Best night ever.\nMichael: Like I said, it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don't, I disagree, I say... let's hear it for the boys.\nHank: [drives up to parking lot to notice all the office cars are gone] Son of a bitch.\nMichael: You're gonna be okay, it's gonna...\nDwight: Ohhh, man! [sound of Ryan throwing up] There it goes.\nMichael: Ahh, ooh!\nDwight: I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir.\nMichael: [helping Ryan out of the taxi] Come on, come on.\nDwight: That'll come out of the upholstery. Oh, man. He threw up in the back of the taxi.\nRyan: Dehydration.\nMichael: Here we go, let's sit down.\nDwight: It's dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times.\nMichael: All right, shhh. Dwight, leave him alone.\nTroy: Hey, don't blame me for what Ryan does. I'm not his dad. I'm his friend, okay? And friends are there to help you have a good time. And sell you the stuff you need to have a good time.\nMichael: You had a rough night tonight. But your life is very good, my friend. You've got a great job, you... you can have any woman you want, you're good looking, you, you know...\nDwight: Friends with a hobbit.\nMichael: Frien..sss...yes, you're friends with a hobbit, and... look where you live. I mean, you've got it all.\nRyan: Yeah, New York is great.\nMichael: No, I mean this apartment building, it's fantastic.\nRyan: Oh, this, this is not my apartment. This, this is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.\nMichael: Well, now I can say that I went to a museum.\nPhyllis: [Phyllis, Pam, Toby, and Oscar are sharing iPod headphones] I don't understand. Which one is that?\nPam: That's the other Boleyn girl.\nPhyllis: Oh.\nOscar: Honestly, the book is so much better than this.\nPam: Shh.\nStanley: [through the fence to Terri, who's holding a drink for him to sip] Ah, we don't know. They didn't give him his Christmas bonus this year, so...\nHank: [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!\nJim: Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. [walks into lobby]\nKelly: Was he still there?\nJim: No, that was his wife, so he's on his way.\nKevin: Jim, how long? I have to go to the bathroom.\nJim: Well, he'll be here really soon, Kev.\nAngela: If you hadn't made us stay, we'd all be home by now.\nStanley: Somebody's always got to be a hero.\nKelly: I'm so cold, I'm gonna faint. If I faint, it's totally your fault, Jim.\nJim: Let's be honest, it's not totally my fault. [indicates Pam] Shared responsibility.\nPam: Mmm?\nJim: Oh, I just mean if you, if you didn't lock the door, then we could be upstairs where it's warmer.\nPam: I'm supposed to turn the lock when I leave, it's part of my job.\nJim: Is that... I didn't know that was your... okay, so we're in agreement, this is not ideal... situation.\nMichael: Ryan?\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: Do you ever miss us?\nRyan: Not really. New York is...so great.\nMichael: Ryan?\nRyan: Yes.\nMichael: Do you remember what color my eyes are?\nDwight: Hazel. They're hazel.\nMichael: Dwight, I asked him.\nRyan: No, I, I was going to say hazel, yeah.\nMichael: Really?\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: Not just because he said it?\nRyan: No.\nMichael: Ryan?\nRyan: You're my friend, Michael. OK?"}
{"text": "Michael: Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on!\nPam: Michael we don't know what you're talking about...\nMichael: Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write?\nKevin: Michael you could put your initials in it.\nMichael: M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't...\nJim: Yeah that's true.\nMichael: Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go!\nPhyllis: We- we-\nMichael: Here we go!\nPhyllis: Well-\nMichael: Let's, yes?\nPhyllis: When I was a little girl...\nMichael: Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it!\nPhyllis: We-we found some wet cement in the park...\nMichael: It's drying, it's drying...\nPhyllis: In our neighborhood...\nMichael: Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!\nPhyllis: What did we write?\nMichael: Ahh come on!\nAndy: Here it is, you should draw a picture...\nMichael: No!\nAndy: Cause that says, that says...\nMichael: No!\nAndy: So much more than words...\nMichael: No!! Come on, gimme something good!\nKelly: Ok, ok, I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater, and omhmygod, he looked so good...\nMichael: Pam, translate.\nPam: She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement.\nMichael: I love it!\nJim: If you were a real star you would put your face in it.\nMichael: I love it more!\nOscar: Michael that doesn't seem... safe.\nMichael: I... love it!! Haha, come on!\nDwight: Come on! [Kevin and Dwight laugh and follow Michael]\nJim: We are here today, not to immortalize a man, but an idea... Maybe the idea of a man.\nMichael: [with petroleum jelly on his face] Hurry, please.\nJim: Greatness is only skin deep, some people say...\nDwight: Can you breathe?\nJim: Well that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside...\nDwight: Hold your breath.\nJim: And in this case...\nDwight: Ready?\nJim: That's also not true.\nDwight: And... go. [Michael sticks his face in the cement] Force it in as deep as you can.\nMichael: [muffled] That's what she said.\nMichael: Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me, it's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, 'That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole...' I dunno, it's a good feeling.\nAndy: [playing with Madlibs] Okay, adjective...\nAngela: Um... tall. No, no, uh, nice.\nAndy: Good one. Okay, you ready?\nAngela: Mmhmm.\nAndy: [reads] The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. 'Sit down, Mr. Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?'\nAngela: [laughing] It's a man eating cat food.\nAndy: What about a cat eating man food?\nDwight: Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.\nPam: [wearing glasses] Um... yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend's house and, I forgot my contact solution, so... I had to wear my backup glasses... Shut up.\nMichael: All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction...\nPam: I don't have my contacts...\nMichael: Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.\nMichael: Ener-gize...\nJim: You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly...\nPam: Don't, don't-\nJim: Would...\nPam: If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no.\nJim: Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing... that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world.\nMichael: Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?\nAndy: What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message, so it just had a little more... zing, and a little more pep?\nMichael: Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim?\nJim: What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?\nMichael: Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme...\nJim: An urban thing...\nMichael: An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley...\nStanley: Not me.\nMichael: Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group.\nStanley: No.\nMichael: Stanley, we're havin a little...\nStanley: Leave me alone, dammit.\nMichael: We're havin a little brainstorm session...\nStanley: DID I STUTTER?\nMichael: ...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water.\nToby: Can I talk to you a second?\nMichael: Ugh, what?\nToby: Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning...\nMichael: What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.\nToby: Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate.\nMichael: That? In the conference room?\nToby: Yeah.\nMichael: We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said 'did I stutter,' and I said 'wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?' It was joking, Toby, alright?\nToby: He didn't seem like he was joking.\nMichael: Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another: 'Hey um, you're poor.' 'Well hey, you're mama's dead.' That's what friends do. It's... you're so white.\nToby: Alright... Well, um, if you really believe that Stanley was joking...\nMichael: Mmhmm.\nToby: Um, why don't you go ask him that?\nMichael: Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but...\nToby: You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school...\nMichael: Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological.\nAndy: You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight, and look over and there's an Xterra next to you. They're always driven by chicks, so there's your icebreaker.\nDwight: [kicks the car] Unh! Scratch.\nAndy: That's a racing stripe.\nDwight: Uh, bumper's sagging.\nAndy: Mmm, I doubt that very much.\nDwight: This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.\nAndy: How next to?\nDwight: Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.\nAndy: I have to pick one of those?\nDwight: Yes.\nAndy: Can you go over those options again?\nDwight: You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now, and I will take it off your hands. It's gotta be now.\nAndy: Well I have the, the blue book value...\nDwight: Seal the deal. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one-\nAndy: Can I think about it?\nDwight: Five, four, three, two...\nAndy: Let me think about it-\nDwight: Now. Now. Now.\nAndy: Let me think about it-\nDwight: Say it. Do it. Now.\nAndy: I'm thinking about it-\nDwight: Do it now.\nAndy: Thinking-\nDwight: Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.\nAndy: Yeah. All right!\nStanley: What.\nMichael: I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal.\nStanley: What are you talking about?\nMichael: Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool.\nStanley: I am not going to apologize to you.\nStanley: It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.\nDwight: Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line-green for money-sales, get it?\nMichael: Uh huh...\nDwight: There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley...\nMichael: Great\nDwight: However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly.\nMichael: What's the pink?\nDwight: Menstrual cycles.\nMichael: Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this?\nDwight: You.\nMichael: Other than me.\nDwight: Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office.\nMichael: I never said you could do that.\nDwight: All you have to do it say it.\nMichael: I...\nDwight: Just say it.\nMichael: Okay, I will think about it.\nDwight: Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it.\nMichael: No.\nDwight: So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself.\nKevin: Hey Pam, I really like your glasses.\nPam: Oh, thanks.\nKevin: All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses.\nPam: Oh, okay...\nKevin: Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually...\nPam: I should probably get back to...\nKevin: Like librarians.\nPam: Entering the...\nKevin: Could you just say, 'these are due back Thursday'?\nPam: No. [Kevin leaves; Pam takes off her glasses; phone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Okay, go ahead. [puts a notepad close to her face and writes message]\nCreed: A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.\nDarryl: Mike.\nMichael: Hey.\nDarryl: I'm very busy here, man.\nMichael: Darryl, [clears throat] have you ever been in a gang?\nDarryl: Why?\nMichael: It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um...\nDarryl: No, no, no...\nMichael: I know, it's very, very personal...\nDarryl: No, um... I have.\nMichael: I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?\nDarryl: Both.\nMichael: God.\nDarryl: Yeah them, and the Latin Kings... the Warriors...\nMichael: Okay.\nDarryl: Newsies.\nMichael: Okay, so dig this: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you.\nDarryl: Oh my goodness.\nMichael: Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?\nDarryl: Well see, um... in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers.\nMichael: What is that?\nDarryl: That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them.\nMichael: Really?\nDarryl: Yeah, and then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Ya'll can just go to church together... get an ice cream cone.\nMichael: I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.\nDarryl: Well, it's effective.\nRyan: [to Toby] I think it's self-explanatory. [to Jim] Hey, Jim, come here for a second. Can you answer me something, as, as a true Eagles fan?\nJim: Oh boy...\nRyan: How do you live with a franchise this bad?\nJim: On a wing and a prayer, mostly.\nRyan: Alright, whatever you say. Uh, listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance.\nJim: A formal warning... [chuckles]\nRyan: It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here, and I know how little you care about your job. And honestly if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation.\nJim: [stammers] I'm sorry, is, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head.\nRyan: This is nothing to do with that, alright? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it.\nJim: I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining a little better? Cause I'm not sure what's really...\nRyan: Woah, don't get all defensive, alright? It's just a warning. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, alright?\nToby: I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk, and, and hanging out with Pam, has finally caught up to him... w-with Pam\nPam: Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want?\nJim: Oh we were just... talking about, bureaucratic stuff...\nPam: Because you're very important?\nJim: Yeah...\nDwight: [washing the Xterra] Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What's Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!\nAndy: What the hell is this all about? [holds up flier] You're flipping my car for profit.\nDwight: It's my car now.\nAndy: I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me.\nDwight: Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.\nDwight: I've got a Madlib for you: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.\nMichael: Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him.\nPam: What does that mean?\nMichael: It's like a mock execution.\nJim: That's not a good idea.\nMichael: Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left.\nToby: Well, you can actually fire him.\nMichael: No, okay... I've had enough of you.\nOscar: Why are you telling us this?\nMichael: Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?\nKevin: Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.\nMichael: I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. [Stanley enters the room] Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?\nMichael: Stanley Hudson, you are fired.\nStanley: Are you serious?\nMichael: I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.\nStanley: You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me?\nMichael: Hmm.\nStanley: I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office.\nMichael: Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice.\nStanley: So I'm not fired.\nMichael: That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?\nStanley: Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all?\nMichael: Okay...\nStanley: Do you have any idea how to run an office?\nMichael: Yes.\nStanley: Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before.\nMichael: That's not-\nStanley: And I think, 'there's no possible way-\nMichael: All right, all right...\nStanley: He can top that.'\nMichael: Okay.\nStanley: But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot!\nMichael: Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out.\nJim: Who?\nMichael: Everybody, except Stanley.\nJim: Let's go.\nPam: I can't find my glasses.\nJim: Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here.\nPam: Okay, okay.\nKevin: [chuckling] It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it!\nMichael: [starts to cry] I don't understand why you keep picking on me.\nStanley: Oh, for the love of God.\nMichael: You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand.\nStanley: Fine. Here it is: you are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.\nMichael: Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.\nStanley: Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories?\nMichael: All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.\nStanley: Fair enough.\nMichael: I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, 'I don't respect you!' Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some-take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. [as Borat] Respect is niiice. Borat. [as Rodney Dangerfield] What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect!\nMichael: So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley?\nStanley: Has potential to be your best idea yet. [Michael smiles]\nPhyllis: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. [laughs]\nMichael: Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis.\nMichael: You know, I don't care what he did to me. He's mean to other people, that's what gets me. He's just...\nJim: Who else is he mean to?\nMichael: Everybody. He just, he's always, he's always talking about people behind their backs to me.\nPam: What kind of stuff does Stanley say?\nMichael: Like that people are stupid, and that they're idiots, and that they're sluts.\nKelly: Why would he say that?\nMichael: Because he's mean. He's, he's like a really mean-spirited guy. He talks about how gay Oscar is...\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: And that Angela's a midget, and that [indicates Jim] your chin is too big.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: I know, I know. I think it's tiny. I think it's too small if anything. And that your glasses make you look ugly.\nJim: She's never worn these glasses before.\nMichael: Well, he's just mean.\nPam: Michael, I think that what Stanley did to you was rude. Maybe you should just get him aside and tell him that he was behaving badly.\nMichael: It's complicated, Pam. I mean, the world looks a lot easier from behind your reception desk.\nJim: Well, I actually agree with her, I think you should talk to him. And you also might want to explain to Andy that no one wants to help him decide whether or not he has a rash.\nKelly: Oh, yeah, and then, yell at Creed, because you know what? Looking can be as bad as touching.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I... jerks don't deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble... jerk stand.\nMichael: Pam, stand up.\nPam: Hi everyone. My name is Pam, and I wear glasses.\nMeredith: Hi, Pam.\nMichael: Pretty disgusting.\nPhyllis: I like your frames.\nPam: Thanks, Phyllis. Yours, too.\nPhyllis: Oh, well, I'm already married. Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.\nKelly: Ignore her, those glasses are so cool.\nPam: Really?\nKelly: Yeah, you look like Lisa Loeb or Tina Fey or someone. You should definitely wear them all the time.\nPam: Huh. Maybe I will.\nKelly: Guess who just became the cutest girl in the office.\nPam: What's it like without my glasses? Um, well, here, I'll show you. Unfocus your lens. A lot. I'm 20/400. You got it? Okay, I'm gonna spend the rest of the day like this. I can't see any of the things that would bother me on a normal day. I can't see anything disgusting, or ugly, or Michael... it's great.\nRyan: Yo!\nPam: Hi, can I help you?\nRyan: Haha, nice! I guess I have been a stranger lately.\nPam: [pointing] Ryan!\nRyan: Hey, Pam, do you want a bagel? [throws it]\nPam: Yeah.\nRyan: Think fast. [it hits her in the face] Honestly, Pam, the bagels in New York are the only good bagels in the world, I swear to God.\nPam: Okay.\nRyan: The only good bagels anywhere.\nPam: I've heard that. [reaches down to pick up bagel from the floor]\nRyan: Same with coffee, and women.\nPam: Okay.\nRyan: I'm gonna go find Toby. Oh, here's what you do. [takes her bagel] You scoop out the middle, like that, and then you just eat the shell. You know? [pats his belly, points to Pam] Fewer carbs.\nPam: Yeah, if I could have seen what he just did, I think I would have gotten angry.\nJim: A formal warning, seriously?\nToby: Well, as you know, Dwight has filed a lot of complaints against you over the years.\nJim: And no one cared.\nToby: But now it's being looked at as more of a productivity issue.\nJim: Productivity? My numbers are good.\nToby: I know, um, but Ryan thinks that, uh, they're not good enough.\nRyan: Wallace likes Jim. So going after him - that's a risky move for me, but in business, you gotta take risks. Sometimes you gotta get out on the open highway, with the top down [pushes button about eight times to get the top down. Finally it comes down and it's all bunched up. As he's fixing it, the car rolls backwards a bit.]"}
{"text": "Michael: Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited!\nOscar: Yes. [small fist-pumps from both Pam and Oscar.]\nMichael: Yeah, I'm pretty excited too.\nMichael: Today I'm heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place.\nDarryl: Hey, are we doing this thing?\nMichael: Yup.\nKelly: Oh my God, Darryl, you look like Barack Obama. Everybody I'm dating Barack Obama!\nMichael: Why are you dressed like that?\nDarryl: [in a dress shirt and tie] Like what?\nMichael: Like you're applying for a loan.\nDwight: Maybe he's going to church. Or court.\nDarryl: Figured I look presentable. [looks Michael over] You? [Michael dressed casually in jeans and sneakers] Went a different way.\nPam: [to Darryl] I think you look nice.\nMichael and Darryl: [simultaneously] Thank you.\nMichael: Okay, here's what we're going to do: I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales. Oscar will be in charge of accounting. Pam will be eye candy. No... uh, also, because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don't have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain't going to college.\nDarryl: What college did you go to Mike?\nMichael: Let's go!\nJim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course, because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here. Yeah. And uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job. Since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam, that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So I am about to do something very bold at this job that I've never done before. Try.\nPhil Maguire: [takes golf swing] Whoa!\nJim: Mr. Maguire, it's been a couple of years.\nPhil Maguire: Hey Jim, how are you, nice to see you man.\nAndy: Oh no! No, no-no-no-no! My grandfather would be spinning in his urn, if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now or I will take it off for you, sir. I am... totally and completely kidding! [they both laugh] Andrew Bernard, Cornell '95.\nPhil Maguire: Phil Maguire, Dartmouth, '74 [goes to shake Andy's hand]\nAndy: Oop, got some blisties.\nPhil Maguire: Yeah, you do.\nAndy: Hit about 1200 balls last night, in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. [shows blisters on both hands] It's actually not funny at all. It's incredibly painful.\nPhil: Let's make it interesting, say, uh, ten bucks a hole?\nJim: Great!\nKevin: What are we talking? Skins? Acey Duecy? Bingo bango bongo? Sandies, Barkies? Arnies, Wolf? What?\nKevin: I'm gonna take this petty cash I got from Oscar, and turn it into next month's rent.\nPam: So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play volleyball, pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball. Those were the days!\nMichael: [Darryl approaches as students throw basketballs] A little over the top, don't you think?\nDarryl: Show them what you brought, Mike.\nPam: [holds up single sheet of paper] Um, that's all we brought.\nMichael: This is all we need.\nOscar: We'll see.\nMichael: Yes we will see Oscar, we will see, because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities! Conceptual! All right! We. Are. Open for business! [all four of them sit in an empty booth with small Dunder Mifflin sign] Hello!\nKevin: Andy, you're up, let's go!\nAndy: [gushing lotion inside his golf gloves] Giddy up, let's do this.\nAndy: People assume I'm great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So, I used to hang out at the sailing club instead. Got my 'knot' on.\nAndy: [swings] Dammit!\nMeredith: Guys, do we have to stay all day?\nPhyllis: I mean, Michael's gone, can't we just go?\nCreed: Yeah, and I finished my work months ago!\nDwight: Excuse me, people. It has come to my attention, some of you have forgotten, who is in charge here. When Michael is gone... Jim is in charge. When Jim is gone, Andy and I are in charge. When Andy is gone you answer to me. Okay? [Stanley gets up to go] Excuse me where do you think you're going? Oh no, no, no. You're not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will - [Stanley leaves] He left. Last time I checked, the American workday ends at five pm. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or, you will suffer the consequences.\nPhyllis: What consequences?\nDwight: I will tell on you.\nPam: There's some filing, restocking the supply shelves. Replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do. Um, we... uh, eat a lot of cake!\nJustin: Cool.\nPam: [laughs] Yeah, and uh, you basically learn how an office runs.\nMichael: Hello. Hi. [to Pam] Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me.\nPam: This is Michael, my boss. [she points] Justin.\nMichael: Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, 'only the best and the brightest.'\nPam: He's nice and he seems interested.\nMichael: He's totally wrong, Pam. [to Justin] Hey.\nJustin: Hi.\nMichael: How you doing? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you, should limit himself. You could do whatever you want to do. You could be a classy janitor, or a cashier with dignity, or a... migraine worker. [takes back the info flyer Justin holds] Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby.\nJustin: Sorry for wasting your time.\nMichael: Oh, no problem. [looks down] And he signed! He put his name on the piece of - okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams. And he just, made it into a stupid piece of paper. We need another one, immediately.\nDarryl: Yeah, the booth is lame without it.\nPam: I only brought the one.\nMichael: Are you mental?\nPam: Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, 'Are you sure Michael?' And you said 'Pam! Pam! Pam!' And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, 'Don't worry, it's just allergies.' Do you remember that?\nMichael: I... don't.\nPam: Okay. I'll go look for another one. [she leaves]\nMichael: And that. Is why. I need a smart intern.\nJim: Hey, so how's the direct mail business going?\nPhil: I can't complain, people love their junk mail.\nJim: Now are you getting all your paper from PPC? Or-\nPhil: You know what Jim? I'm not really looking to change things up right now, I just came out here to get out of the office for a little bit, so why don't we just play, okay?\nJim: Absolutely, will do.\nJim: So I guess I'll just... work on my short game.\nMichael: [teen approaches table] Hello there.\nKid: What is this company?\nMichael: Well it's funny that you should ask, because it's really more than a company...\nOscar: Dunder Mifflin paper.\nKid: Thanks. [walks away]\nMichael: Dammit, Oscar!\nMichael: Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being 'lured' these days. Thank you Dateline!\nDwight: Thank you. [hangs up phone, leaves for restroom]\nAngela: Extension 128.\nCreed: [over phone] Hiya Pumpkin, it's Creed.\nCreed: Say, we're gonna ditch this bitch. You in?\nAngela: No.\nCreed: Are you out? [Angela hangs up] Pumpkin's out, let's go gang! [they all make a run for the door, Dwight re-enters room with only Angela left]\nPam: My old art room. [finds a sheet of blank paper] Oh, maybe it's still here! [looks for her painting] No. No they must have taken it down. Never mind.\nMichael: [answers cell] What do you want?\nDwight: Michael, I know you're swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day.\nMichael: Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there?\nDwight: So... what else is up? [Michael hangs up] Mich-\nMichael: Thank you! [Pam hands him blank paper] What, what is this?\nPam: A piece of paper.\nMichael: This isn't Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap.\nPam: Well I think they'll get the spirit of it.\nMichael: Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We're dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock.\nPam: Are you serious?\nMichael: Yes. And don't call me Shirley.\nPam: Okay.\nPhil: Oh! [Phil is stuck in the sand trap] Ah, dammit!\nJim: You know, you can just pick it up, take the triple bogey.\nPhil: Yeah I'll- I'll get it out. Thank you.\nJim: Yep. [Maguire keeps swinging]\nAngela and Dwight: [silently working] [Pam walks back into office, gets paper out of the copier, shows it 'voila' to camera, leaves]\nAndy: [Jim's cellphone rings] AH! Come on, Tuna!\nJim: Hey, can't really talk now, what's up?\nPam: Just checking in, how's it going?\nJim: Uh, you know, we'll see, we'll see.\nPam: I just drove twenty miles round-trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So, I could have just had them fax it to me, I guess.\nJim: Oh, I like you.\nPam: Talk to you later?\nJim: Yeah. All right. Bye. [Kevin sinks putt] All right. Sorry, I got to annoy you one more time. What if I bring down shipping costs?\nPhil: You can try. But I've looked at your prices. Even with free shipping? Doesn't work. It's just- it's not in the stars, Jim. [Phil sinks putt] Six.\nKevin: Yeah.\nAndy: All right, race to the next hole! [he runs off to the cart]\nKevin: Ooh! Winner gets ten bucks! Wait -wait for me! Andy!\nAndy: Shortcut! Shortcut! [drives cart off course, it flips over] Woah! I fell in the sandtrap!\nDwight: [hums at copier, Angela waiting behind him]\nMichael: All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck.\nMichael: Hey! [walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs, grabs Oscar's ball] Game over. [kicks the ball up to the gymnasium ceiling]\nMichael: [singsong] Just-in time.\nJustin: Hi.\nMichael: Just-in case. What's your last name?\nJustin: Polznik.\nMichael: This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh?\nMichael: Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot! And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life right now.\nMichael: I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin.\nOscar: Hey.\nJustin: Hi.\nMichael: This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will 'do' you. [laughs] No, no. But she has already dated two guys in the office, that we know of, so, this could be number three, you never know?\nPam: Excuse me.\nMichael: Come here. I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist.\nOscar: Why, why wouldn't you say that to her face?\nMichael: So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The guys I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor, of spending the summer with us, at Dunder Mifflin? I think, I think you are very special.\nJustin: You didn't want me before. That's what you said.\nMichael: No, I didn't. You misconstrued me.\nJustin: You were kind of a jerk to me.\nMichael: I, uh, hmm.\nJustin: And I'm, I'm gonna go now.\nMichael: Why don't... hey.\nAndy: [trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands, struggles trying to take a drink as everyone watches.]\nDwight: [tries to stop a sneeze] Ah-choo!\nAngela: Bless you.\nDwight: Thank you. [Angela turns to look at him.]\nKevin: Okay, Jim, you owe me one-twenty, and Phil, you owe me two-thirty.\nPhil: Let's open a tab, because you and me are gonna be playing more often.\nAndy: Count me in!\nPhil: No.\nAndy: All right!\nJim: Okay. You had some fun, and uh, I think I paid for it. So let me get my last shot in there. Is there anything you can do for me?\nPhil: I'll tell you what. My fiscal year ends in two months, let's talk then. Sound good?\nJim: Absolutely.\nMaguire: Good playing with you guys.\nAndy: Right on.\nJim: You know it's a tough thing, seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap but, I had to give Phil credit for not quitting. Which is what I told him. I also told him I don't quit either, and I'd call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after ...fifteen minutes of me blocking his car. So I am now his paper supplier! And I shot a 102 today, so I'm feeling pretty good.\nWoman on mic: The job fair will be closing in five minutes. Eighth period will commence as scheduled.\nMichael: Hold down the fort, I have to do something. [walks up to microphone] Excuse me. If you can hear me, I'd like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on, I mean I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde! The Air Force? [Airforce recruiter glares at Michael] Air Force is cool. The refreshments? Bush league! You know, that's not what you want. Dunder- they, well, okay I see security is coming so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work! Anybody? Show of hands, anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit, we cannot give you any sort of pay, but it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn... it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time, and drive safe.\nAngela: [Dwight and Angela exiting, he opens door for her] Thank you.\nDwight: You're welcome.\nPam: [clink of beer bottles] Beers? You closed it?\nJim: I closed it!\nPam: Yes! Oh! [runs into his arms, kisses him] Um, congratulations to you, sir. [they shake hands business-like]\nJim: Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Appreciate it.\nPam: Well done.\nJim: Thank you. You know what, screw this! [pulls Pam into a big smooch]\nKevin: Oooh! [Kevin and Andy add suggestive 'bow-chicka-wow-wow' vocals]\nMichael: Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me.\nMichael: [standing way too close to Jim and Pam] Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good. [Jim and Pam stop kissing]\nPam: Hi.\nGraphics guy: Hello.\nPam: I was just wondering, what kind of jobs do you guys have?\nGraphics guy: Are you interested in graphic design?\nPam: Yeah. Can I fill out an application?\nGraphics guy: Oh absolutely, here, take a seat. I should let you know right away, this is just an entry-level job. It's really basic. We're looking for like, a self starter, someone who can meet deadlines, who just pretty much just go the extra mile, I guess.\nPam: I can do that.\nGraphics guy: Great. And uh, obviously looking for someone who knows Photoshop, and Dreamweaver. Uh, Corel Painter, Illustrator, AfterEffects, all the basics.\nPam: I don't know any of those.\nGraphics guy: [laughs] It's actually not super-complicated. I mean I'm sure there's some sort of like, adult education classes in the area. But if you're really serious about graphic design, one thing about New York or Philadelphia, they've got amazing programs out there for design.\nPam: New York or Philadelphia.\nGraphics guy: Yeah.\nPam: All right. Cool, well... thanks.\nGraphics guy: Sure.\nPam: And uh, I'll look into those.\nGraphics guy: You should.\nPam: New York or Philadelphia.\nGraphics guy: Absolutely.\nPam: Okay.\nGraphics guy: It's where the action is.\nPam: Thanks.\nMichael: Well, kids today have a very short attention span. They are into texting and video games and sex, and they just, they get distracted easily. And today they're being distracted by the other booths.\nMichael: [clears throat] Hey, there! Michael Scott, regional manager, Dunder Mifflin.\nBrad: Brad Bailey, nice to meet you.\nMichael: That is a very firm handshake. Ow, ow, aahch! Killing my hand, there.\nBrad: Yeah.\nMichael: So, what is your poison? You like uh, sales, accounting, customer service, what do you like...\nBrad: Sales, uh, sales would be cool.\nMichael: Sales is and could be very, very cool. If you like paper, and you love to laugh, this is the place for you.\nBrad: Well, that's great.\nMichael: Right here. We have a lot of fun.\nBrad: Mmhmm.\nMichael: [Pam returns] This is one of our staff. This is Pam Beesly, [takes piece of paper from Pam] receptionist extraordinaire.\nBrad: Hey, Pam, what's up?\nMichael: Check that out, huh?\nPam: Hi, nice to meet you.\nMichael: Pretty nice.\nBrad: Yeah.\nMichael: She sits there all day.\nBrad: Nice.\nMichael: You get to look at her. Why don't you hold out your hand. [hands Brad paper] Tell me what you feel.\nBrad: Paper.\nMichael: That's called card stock. That's what you're feeling. Now what you're feeling inside is confusion, butterflies, exhilaration... You're thinking, 'Am I good enough for this job? Do I have what it takes?' And I think we both know the answer. We'll find that out together. You can keep that.\nBrad: Are you sure?\nMichael: Mmm, yeah.\nBrad: Sweet. [camera zooms in on Pam]\nMichael: Don't fold it, though.\nMichael: We have the Dundies, my birthday, those blow out, and it's sexy, it's sort of a sexy atmosphere, you know? The other day, in the parking lot, I actually found a condom. So. [to Pam] I've been meaning to ask you, do you know whose that was? [Pam shakes head no] So, sexy is fun...\nBrad: Well, it was nice meeting you, I'm, I'm gonna take off.\nMichael: Hey, you know what? Coincidence - I am going to go for a little stroll myself. Are you psyched about the summer?\nBrad: Oh, yeah.\nMichael: Yeah, me, too.\nBrad: Okay, well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.\nMichael: Okay, be my guest.\nBrad: Thanks.\nMichael: And do your worst.\nMichael: [to Brad coming out of the bathroom] Hey.\nBrad: Whoa, come on!\nMichael: So, I forgot to mention that my old temp is now my boss, so, gives you an idea of how quickly you can move up in this...\nBrad: Yeah, I get it, okay, I'm not interested. Stop following me around; you're really starting to creep me out.\nMichael: One other thing I wanted to...\nBrad: Nnn, look. I was just being polite. I don't want to waste my life selling paper for your stupid company, okay? [walks away]\nMichael: [laughs] Ohh...Nah.\nKevin: I'm gonna take so much money off that guy. That guy is a whale. I'm gonna clean him out. This is really gonna get me out of a hole.\nKevin: He's not my client.\nJim: If your client likes Italian food, you bring him to Cugino's. And if your client likes a little action, you bring him a gambler. And if your client hates Cornell, you bring him Andy.\nAndy: [tries to break club over knee] Ow! Ow! [tries again] Owooh!\nPhil Maguire: Guy's kind of a douche.\nJim: Yeah, well, you know...Cornell.\nPhil: [chuckling] I guess.\nMichael: Hey, Justin!\nJustin: I'm sorry, I'm sort of in the middle of this.\nMichael: Wait, you want this kid to be in the Air Force?\nAir Force recruiter: Absolutely. Justin is smart, capable, ambitious, and he aims high.\nMichael: Time out. You think this kid could be a fighter pilot?\nAir Force recruiter: I think Justin can be anything he wants to be.\nJustin: [chuckling] Okay.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: Have you given any more thought to Dunder Mifflin?\nJustin: Well, you took away the brochure, so I sort of...\nMichael: Well, yeah, but you don't need the brochure. The brochure is up here [indicates head] and it's in here. [indicates heart]\nJustin: Oh.\nMichael: I think you are smart, and capable, and you aim high.\nJustin: That's what the recruiter just said.\nMichael: I'm right."}
{"text": "Dwight: [cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone keeps ringing] Hello?\nJim: [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.\nDwight: Hello? Hello?\nJim: Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second...\nDwight: Jim, what are you doing?\nJim: And how many would you like?\nDwight: Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha-\nJim: Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately.\nDwight: [into Jim's headset] This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!\nJim: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.\nDwight: [cell phone rings] K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail.\nJim: [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.\nPam: Hey, is this Dwight?\nJim: Yes it is.\nPam: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.\nJim: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.\nDwight: Woah, woah, woah, Pam!\nPam: Have you?\nDwight: Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.\nPam: Dwight?\nDwight: No! [waves arms] Pam, I'm over here!\nPam: I'm confused...\nDwight: Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.\nJim: Can't do that. Unsanitary.\nDwight: Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. [presses buttons on his cell phone] Done.\nJim: [office phone rings at Jim's desk] This is Dwight.\nJim: Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine.\nJim: Oh, hello Mater. Good news: I've married. Tell Fater. [hangs up] Such a nice woman.\nDwight: [slams cell phone on desk] Argh! Ahh!!\nMichael: Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.\nToby: Morning.\nMichael: Mornin'. [to camera] So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... [watch beeps]\nToby: Good morning, Kelly.\nKelly: I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel?\nToby: Fine. Good.\nKelly: I feel weird.\nMichael: First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party.\nAngela: We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby.\nMichael: Okay.\nAngela: But so far we only have two pictures of him.\nMichael: Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets...\nPam: Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans' funeral?\nMichael: If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?\nAngela: Michael...\nMichael: Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga-\nAngela: No. You know-no!\nMichael: Toga!\nAngela: You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides... although Toby won't be in them.\nMichael: I thought that you might say that. [takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe]\nMichael: Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. 'Michael, buy a motorcycle.' So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.\nMichael: I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around.\nPam: So how much antigravity potion do you want?\nAngela: No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating.\nMichael: Phyllis, can you do this?\nPhyllis: [whispers] Yes.\nPam: Hi, can I help you?\nHolly: Hi. Yes, uh, I'm Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson?\nToby: As part of my last day I'm training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day.\nToby: So this is H.R. This is your desk.\nHolly: I love the view.\nToby: Yeah, it's great, isn't it?\nPam: Hey. [kisses Jim on cheek]\nJim: Hey... What?\nPam: Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design.\nJim: No way! What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. Congratulations!\nPam: Oh, thank you! I don't know why I doubted it, because I'm so clearly awesome!\nJim: Yes! So when do you start?\nPam: I don't know, I didn't read it carefully, I just saw 'congratulations' and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack.\nJim: Wow. Busy morning.\nPam: So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months...\nJim: It's not a big deal. I'll come visit you. And you'll visit me. It's only two hours away. It'll be fine. That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great.\nPam: Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great.\nJim: See how easy that is?\nPam: Ohh... [they hug; she laughs]\nPam: I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing's perfect... And that is the first time I've ever used the word 'perfect' in here!\nToby: Hey, Stanley...\nStanley: Hmm?\nToby: I want to introduce you to...\nMichael: [watching from his office] Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow.\nDwight: So what do we know about her?\nMichael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already.\nDwight: I hate her too.\nMichael: Why do you hate her?\nDwight: Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head.\nMichael: You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.\nDwight: Would that be such a bad thing?\nMichael: Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?\nDwight: What?\nMichael: We need to sell her an elevator pass.\nDwight: But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa... [gasps]\nMichael: Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.\nPhyllis: Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines?\nWoman over speakerphone: Antigravity machines?\nPhyllis: That's right. Yeah.\nWoman over speakerphone: What do they do exactly?\nPhyllis: They make you feel lighter...\nWoman over speakerphone: Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that.\nPhyllis: Okay.\nMichael: [knock on door] Yeah.\nToby: Hey Michael.\nMichael: Oh, hey, do you still work here?\nToby: I'd like to introduce you to my replacement.\nMichael: Nah.\nToby: Come on.\nMichael: No. I think I will pass.\nToby: Michael Scott, this is Holly.\nHolly: Hi.\nMichael: Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm gonna win.\nHolly: Man, someone doesn't like H.R.\nMichael: Yeah.\nHolly: [to Toby] What did you do to him?\nToby: Nothing.\nMichael: T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness.\nHolly: Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I'll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott.\nMichael: Y-You can-Michael.\nMichael: Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.\nCreed: [shaking Holly's hand] The pleasure's all mine.\nHolly: Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.\nCreed: Any time.\nHolly: What do you do here?\nCreed: ...Excuse me.\nCreed: What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. 'What do I do?'... Really, what do I do here? I should've written it down. 'Qua' something, uh... qua... quar... quibo, qual...quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close.\nDwight: [whispering] Have you been introduced to Kevin?\nHolly: No. Which one's Kevin? [they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle]\nDwight: He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain.\nHolly: Oh. Good for you guys.\nDwight: Yeah.\nDwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.\nDwight: Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. [accountants mumble hellos]\nHolly: Hello. Hello. [to Kevin] Hi.\nKevin: Hi.\nHolly: What do you do?\nKevin: I do the numbers.\nHolly: Oh, good for you.\nKevin: Do you want a M&M?\nHolly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though.\nKevin: Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.\nHolly: Well that is a very safe place for them.\nKevin: Yeah.\nMichael: Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram?\nHolly: Oh... [laughs along] Nice, I've never heard that one before actually.\nMichael: I bet.\nHolly: That's good.\nMichael: I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?\nHolly: No, no, I...\nMichael: Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?\nHolly: Ooh, uh...\nMichael: You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?\nHolly: Um... Y-yeah. Okay.\nMichael: All right.\nHolly: Thanks.\nMichael: Yep.\nHolly: Great.\nPam: Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica.\nToby: You're-you're not in it.\nPam: Well I was taking the picture.\nToby: I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica.\nPam: Sure, do you have a camera here?\nToby: No, uh... [shouts] Does anyone have a camera here? [no one answers him] No one has a camera here. Uh...\nPam: Okay...\nToby: I'm gonna... I'll go get one. Stay. [runs out of the office]\nJim: [on the phone] So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it's big. It is really big.\nRyan: Congratulations!\nJim: Thanks.\nRyan: Don't interrupt.\nJim: I just-\nRyan: Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?\nJim: No, I didn't. I just logged it in right here, so...\nRyan: All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website.\nJim: All right, well it already went through, so...\nRyan: Don't worry about that. Just re-log it. [hangs up]\nJim: Hello?\nMichael: [listening to 'Crash Into Me' on his computer] Hmm... Jim? [Jim comes into his office] I am downloading some N3P...\nJim: That's not it.\nMichael: Music...\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: For a CD mix tape...\nJim: Close.\nMichael: For Holly.\nJim: Mmhmm.\nMichael: And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.\nJim: What are the two levels?\nMichael: The two levels being, uh, 'Welcome to Scranton'...\nJim: Mmhmm.\nMichael: And 'I... love you.'\nJim: Okay. Let's start with the 'I love you' level.\nMichael: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?\nJim: Yes. You don't love Holly.\nMichael: I think I do.\nJim: But you just met her.\nMichael: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.\nJim: Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that.\nMichael: Well, you're not a romantic.\nJim: Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance.\nMichael: Oh really?\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Like, with who?\nJim: We've been through this.\nMichael: Pam?\nJim: Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow.\nMichael: Yeah, you took it too slow.\nJim: Well, we're really happy.\nMichael: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.\nJim: And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her.\nMichael: I don't want her to get away.\nJim: I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work.\nJim: I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think?\nPhyllis: Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't...\nJim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party.\nPhyllis: Why would you do that?\nJim: Because I'm gonna miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here ya go. [hands her an envelope with money in it]\nPhyllis: Really?\nJim: Well we all want a good party, right?\nJim: I'm going to propose tonight. Holy crap!\nHolly: Hey Kevin.\nKevin: Hi.\nHolly: Do you need some help?\nKevin: I can't decide what to get.\nHolly: Well, what do you like to eat?\nKevin: Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips.\nHolly: Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? [looks at the change in his hand] Okay, let's see... fifty... Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row.\nKevin: Hmm...\nKevin: I'm totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me.\nJim: [on phone, leaving a message] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don't think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [hangs up and exhales sharply]\nHolly: [tool clicking] Damn it!\nMichael: Hello, Holly. [Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces] Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually.\nHolly: Oh, I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and... that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that... is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? You know, I'm gonna sell the movie rights.\nMichael: And the sequel, 'Woman Stands at Desk and Works.' So, I have no idea how you, [he sits on the floor] how you sit like that.\nHolly: Yoga.\nMichael: [as Yoda] Sit on floor and put together chair we will. [laughs nervously] Yo-da. Um...\nHolly: [as Yoda] Pass curvy metal piece, you will.\nMichael: So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town.\nHolly: Ohh, so you can't make my orgy? Kidding!\nMichael: Kidding. [overdramatically] Acting!\nHolly: [overdramatically] Acting!\nMichael: [overdramatically] Acting!\nHolly: [laughs] Lovitz.\nMichael: Yeah.\nMichael: I did it! [exhales]\nJim: What'd you do?\nMichael: I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.\nJim: Wow. Okay, so how'd that feel?\nMichael: It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.\nJim: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't.\nMichael: Whew, oh God. [inhales] Laying a base. Laying a base...\nJim: There you go. There's plenty of base-laying left, right?... Hey. Hey!\nMichael: [giddy] Yeah...\nPhyllis: Hello Angela.\nAngela: Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack.\nPhyllis: Can I get a list of your vendors?\nAngela: I shredded it.\nPhyllis: Why would you do that?\nAngela: Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think?\nPhyllis: [knocks files off desk] Sorry.\nToby: [Michael and Holly are still working on the chair] What'd you guys do?\nMichael: Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party?\nToby: Well, we still have to do the exit interview.\nMichael: Yes we do.\nMichael: I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'.\nToby: [Michael hands him a present] Wow, thanks, Michael, I...\nMichael: Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.\nHolly: [enters conference room] Hello.\nMichael: Hey! Hi, good to see you.\nHolly: You too.\nMichael: I'm just having a little exit interview.\nHolly: Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here.\nMichael: Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?\nHolly: No, no, I'll look at it later. It's part of my job.\nMichael: Okay.\nPam: [enters conference room] Did you need me to take notes?\nToby: Hi Pam. Stay.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. [takes out note cards] I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are?\nToby: I'm Toby.\nMichael: Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?\nHolly: Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?\nMichael: Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see.\nHolly: Here you go.\nMichael: Thank you. [reads] What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?\nToby: This place, um...\nMichael: Well, no no no no no...\nToby: I've got some ideas, I guess...\nMichael: No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud.\nHolly: Oh, I'd like to hear the answer.\nToby: Well let me see... I would, uh...\nMichael: [hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby] I'll kill you.\nToby: I guess everything's okay.\nToby: I made it this far, right? What's the point?\nPam: Toby, why don't you open your present?\nMichael: Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which...\nToby: [unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads] 'Suck on this.'\nMichael: What the hell is that?\nPam: Michael...\nMichael: That's... What do you mean, 'Michael'? That's not even my handwriting. [exits conference room] Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!\nDwight: You did.\nMichael: No!\nDwight: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- [Michael slams conference room door in his face]\nMichael: Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby.\nPam: So what is your gift?\nMichael: My gift is forthcoming, Pam.\nPam: What is it?\nMichael: I am going to give Toby...\nPam: Your watch?\nMichael: ...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?\nPam: I just knew.\nMichael: How did you know?\nHolly: Oh that is so sweet.\nMichael: Well... That's my watch.\nToby: Thanks, I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time.\nMichael: Hey, that's good.\nCreed: [from outside the conference room] Hey, it's the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! [Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room] Hey! It's the temp! Look! [everyone is crowded around Jim's computer]\nDwight: Oh my gosh.\nCreed: It's the temp! [all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen]\nPam: Is that the police?\nDwight: Yes.\nCreed: Mm-hmm.\nOscar: Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as 'misleading the shareholders.' Another good term is 'fraud.' The real crime, I think, was the beard.\nMichael: [still watching video of Ryan] Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God.\nKelly: I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, 'Hi Ryan.' And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, 'Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison.'\nJim: Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?\nPam: Absolutely. [dials and hands Jim receiver]\nJim: [clears throat] Right to voicemail. [into phone] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! [hangs up]\nHolly: What's protocol on this?\nToby: I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn't- [Holly knocks on Michael's door]\nHolly: Michael, are you okay?\nMichael: [voice straining] I'm just worried about my friend.\nHolly: Oh, of course you are.\nMichael: Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run.\nHolly: No, hey.\nMichael: I'm cool.\nHolly: Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He's your friend. You know what I usually find?...\nMichael: Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.\nKevin: [everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot] Woah! Cool! A bouncy house!\nPhyllis: Kevin, take your shoes off first!\nMichael: No antigravity machine, huh?\nPhyllis: Sorry, Michael, I don't think they're real.\nMichael: Ferris wheel's pretty cool though.\nPam: Wow. Look at our parking lot.\nJim: Yeah, who'd have thought? [Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles]\nPam: Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not... Is he?\nHolly: Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up.\nMichael: That's what she... a lot of places are like that.\nHolly: I think it's really cool you hired Kevin.\nMichael: Thanks.\nDwight: You have it?\nMeredith: Almost. [she unlocks Holly's car]\nDwight: Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Mose carries a raccoon in a cage] Put it in. [he puts the raccoon in the car]\nMichael: I like, uh...\nHolly: That-That's my car.\nMichael: Hey. What are you doing?\nDwight: [Mose drops cage and runs] Mose!\nMichael: What the hell is going on here?!\nDwight: N-nothing you need to know the details of.\nMichael: There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!\nDwight: N-no there's not.\nMichael: Why did you do that?\nDwight: It was playful hazing.\nMichael: No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. [to Dwight] Take care of that, all right?\nDwight: It's not rabid.\nMichael: Shh...\nMeredith: Thanks for bringing that up.\nDwight: Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out.\nMichael: I'm really sorry.\nHolly: Michael, thank you so much for saying that. [puts a hand on his arm] I feel so welcome here.\nMichael: Yeah...\nHolly: I just... Um, excuse me.\nMichael: Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! [giggles]\nVance Refrigeration guy: Hey Mrs. Vance, we're all out!\nPhyllis: Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. [Kevin nods] Okay.\nHolly: Cool! You drive your own car?\nKevin: Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?\nHolly: Yep. Just like you.\nKevin: Okay, bye.\nHolly: Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you.\nMichael: [on microphone] Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. [applause] You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh?\nPam: [everyone applauds] Yay, Phyllis!\nMichael: Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? [cheers and applause] But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.\nPam: Song parody writer.\nMichael: I have done things like um, 'Beers in Heaven.'\nJim: Classic.\nMichael: Or, 'Total Eclipse of the Fart.'\nJim: Not my favorite, but...\nPam: I like that one.\nJim: It's not my favorite...\nPam: I like that one.\nMichael: I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. [to band] Do you know, um, 'Goodbye Stranger'? Supertramp?\nDarryl: Yeah. [music starts]\nMichael: [sings] It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on.\nPam: I'm gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office.\nMichael: [singing] Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise...\nPam: Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute.\nMichael: [singing, screaming into the mic] Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!\nHolly: Not bad.\nMichael: Oh, hey. Thanks.\nHolly: Someday I would love to hear 'Beers in Heaven.'\nMichael: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Kevin. [answers] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.\nKevin: Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here.\nMichael: Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back.\nKevin: No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there's something that you need to see.\nMichael: What is it?\nKevin: Just hurry. [hangs up]\nHolly: Is he okay?\nMichael: Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me.\nHolly: Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket... it's a big day for him.\nMichael: Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? [Holly freezes; Michael laughs] No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back.\nJan: Well it was good to see you.\nKevin: It was great to see you, Jan.\nJan: Yeah, so...\nMichael: O-kay. Hello Jan.\nJan: Hello... Michael.\nMichael: Wow, Kevin, really? We're- [to Jan] Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. [to Kevin] Is this why you called me down here?\nKevin: Yeah, Michael, I just uh...\nJan: I...\nKevin: I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.\nMichael: Oh, okay.\nKevin: Yeah.\nMichael: Thanks, Kevin. Um... [Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly]\nMichael: Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! [Jan laughs] Are you nauseous?\nJan: No.\nMichael: Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you?\nJan: Uh, no.\nMichael: Good. Good. Thank God.\nJan: I didn't...\nMichael: Cause that's...\nJan: ... touch that.\nMichael: Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy...\nJan: Why?\nMichael: Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very...\nJan: Yeah, it did...\nMichael: ... proud.\nJan: ... happen when...\nMichael: Um...\nJan: ... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad.\nMichael: You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?\nJan: ...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not.\nMichael: Well, okay...\nJan: Yeah.\nMichael: So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so...\nJan: I went to a sperm bank.\nMichael: You did?\nJan: Yuh-huh.\nMichael: When we were going out?\nJan: Uh, yeah.\nMichael: W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms.\nJan: I know.\nMichael: You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm?\nJan: No, no no... it's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really... this is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It's... and it's-in fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.\nMichael: IHop.\nJan: IHop.\nJan: If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.\nJan: Oh, that's really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table.\nMichael: I'm glad you told me.\nJan: Look, I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um... you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner...\nMichael: Um, I'll... I have to think about it.\nJan: Okay.\nMichael: My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.\nPam: Oh look, they're starting. [all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl's band plays soft music]\nAngela: [to Phyllis] Well, I hope you had fun today, because you're never ever throwing a party again.\nJim: [gets engagement ring from his pocket] Hey...\nAndy: [on microphone] Can I have your attention please? [music stops] I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off... My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? [Angela shakes her head 'no'] Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. [knocks over Darryl's keyboard]\nDarryl: Unh! Damn it!\nAndy: Angela, will you do me the honor... of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? [shows her a ring]\nAngela: ...Okay.\nAndy: Into the mic, sweetie.\nAngela: I said, okay.\nAndy: She said yes! [light applause] And the crowd goes wild! Woo! [music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply]\nAndy: I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything... it was right.\nKelly: Can I be your bridesmaid?\nAngela: No.\nDwight: Well... it's my own fault.\nAndy: Tuna! [hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound] I'm engaged!\nJim: I know. That's awesome, man. That's great.\nAndy: Mr. Andrew Bernard... it's got a nice ring to it.\nToby: Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don't have a picture of the two of us.\nPam: Oh, yeah, um...\nToby: Yeah, could we...\nPam: Sure. Meredith, do you mind?\nToby: [hands Meredith his camera] This one right here.\nMeredith: Okay. One two three- [takes picture] Oh let's do it again. Pam your smile is weird.\nToby: It's digital, so just take as many as you want.\nMeredith: One, two three- [takes picture] One, two, three- [takes picture]\nPam: I don't know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight...\nHolly: Hey there.\nMichael: Hey.\nHolly: So you missed something really big.\nMichael: Yeah?\nHolly: Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants.\nMichael: Oh, wow.\nHoly: I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but...\nMichael: Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. [they chuckle] Oh...\nHolly: So... You know, somehow after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or...\nMichael: Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there.\nHolly: Okay.\nKevin: I'll go to the diner with you.\nHolly: Oh that would be great.\nKevin: Yeah, we can go eat pie.\nHolly: I love pie.\nKevin: Me too.\nHolly: Okay.\nMichael: Have a good night.\nHolly: Okay. Good night.\nMichael: Bye.\nHolly: Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. [Kevin is waiting in the car] I gotta buckle him in.\nMichael: Well this is it. I am here to see you off.\nToby: Thanks... [Hank is standing next to Michael] Really, Michael?\nMichael: Sorry. Corporate policy.\nToby: It's not.\nMichael: You might take something.\nHank: I don't think he's gonna take anything.\nMichael: Okay, security guard.\nToby: [watch that Michael gave him beeps] Oh, some kind of... alarm.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: [on phone, leaving a message] Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. [hangs up] I am going to be... kind of a daddy.\nPhyllis: Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high. [gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out]\nAngela: [sees Phyllis; gasps] Oh my God!\nDwight: What? [turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands]\nToby: This is Jim Halpert...\nJim: Hi.\nToby: And Pam Beesly.\nHolly: Oh, Pam! Toby says such nice things about you.\nPam: [to Toby] Thank you!\nJim: He didn't mention me, did he?\nHolly: Oh, no, he said you were a really good salesman.\nJim: Thanks, Toby.\nToby: You're welcome.\nJim: I've always gotten along well with Toby. Uh, we're friends. But I don't think we'll stay in touch necessarily. I think I'll probably get updates on him from Pam.\nHolly: Oh, I think that makes us neighbors.\nMeredith: It's a couple streets over.\nHolly: Oh, maybe you can show me some of the fun hangouts, and where to get my nails done.\nMeredith: Sure! That sounds fun!\nHolly: Great.\nMeredith: I hate that bitch. I wanna cut her face. [Dwight walks by and hears]\nDwight: Stop! Don't look at me. On the counter you will find bread, peanut butter, and jelly. Pretend to make yourself a sandwich.\nMeredith: Pretend? Or really make one?\nDwight: Really make one.\nMeredith: Make your own [bleep]in' sandwich.\nDwight: Will you please? Make a sandwich. Now, according to my sources, you have an issue with the new H.R. woman. Well, so do I. And so does our secret benefactor. That's too much peanut butter. What I propose is a good old-fashioned hazing, and I need your help. If you choose to accept this mission...Wipe the knife off before you stick it in the jelly. Have you ever made a sandwich before? Dammit, Meredith!\nPhyllis: [on phone] Well, who can do a party of this size? But you're in the business, you must surely know of some other businesses. Okay, well, I JUST WANT A DAMN DANCE FLOOR! Sorry. So sorry, I shouldn't have sworn, I'm so sorry. Um, thanks for your time. [knock on door] What? Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'what' like that, it was really rude.\nJim: Scared me. How's the party planning going?\nPhyllis: Jim, I am so f[bleep]ed.\nJim: So it's going great, sounds like.\nPhyllis: I don't know, I'm not used to the stress.\nPhyllis: When I was growing up, my mom said, 'the sky's the limit.' I could do anything. Be a teacher's aide, nurse's assistant, some kind of volunteer. But now, I, I'm not so sure.\nToby: This is a picture I've been carrying around in my wallet for about six years. It's this unspoiled beach in Costa Rica, Playa Grande. Um, I take it out when I get stressed or depressed, and it really calms me down. Never thought I'd get to live here, you know. But it turns out they built these great new condos there, so, this could be me, right around, uh, where the trees used to be.\nToby: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Hey.\nToby: Hey.\nPam: Did you just buy that?\nToby: Yeah, I guess it will be my, uh, thing in Costa Rica, be a nature photographer.\nJim: That's cool.\nToby: Yeah. Um, you mind if I get a picture?\nJim: Sure!\nToby: Think you could...[wants to hand the camera to Jim, but Jim is starting to snuggle up with Pam, posing. Toby aims the camera, the flash pops up] Okay. [takes picture] Okay.\nJim: Good one? [Toby puts on the lens cover and scurries away awkwardly] That's a cool camera.\nJim: Okay, this is the second time in two days that the website isn't working. Do you guys know anything about it?\nDwight: The website is hiding, forming alliances with other sites, preparing an attack for which we will have no defense.\nJim: Do you honestly believe that?\nDwight: Yes, I do.\nJim: I'm gonna get a second opinion.\nAndy: It was down for a couple hours yesterday, then back up, and now I've heard from a very reliable source that it is once again out of commission. And that reliable source is you.\nJim: Okay, you could just say you don't know what's going on.\nAndy: Um, I do, 'cause I just told you.\nJim: Is Ryan gonna fire me? I don't know. I know that I've done everything I can, and I just brought in a huge sale, and... am I insane, or was this kid a temp two years ago? Because in the three years that he's been here, I think all he's ever done is start a fire and grow a beard. And it's not even a good beard.\nTroy: Troy Undercook, for Michael.\nPam: Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't see you come in.\nDwight: Troy! What are you doing here?\nTroy: Just filling in for Ryan, as a favor.\nDwight: Where is Ryan?\nTroy: He had an urgent matter in New York.\nDwight: Welcome to our land.\nPam: Dwight. [to Troy] Michael will be out in a second.\nDwight: Can I get you a tankard of mead?\nJim: Hey, Troy, can you do me a huge favor? Next time you see Ryan, can you tell him to check his messages? That'd be great.\nTroy: If I see him, I'll tell him.\nJim: Why wouldn't you see him? You work for him.\nTroy: I report to Wallace now.\nJim: Okay, what's going on?\nDwight: Looks serious.\nSomeone: What's a...\nMichael: Oh, my God.\nDwight: Troy, do you know anything about this?\nTroy: Maybe I do.\nDwight: Maybe I do. Enough of your magical riddles!\nPhyllis: And if the food stations are here and here... no! Here and here. Drinks here, then people can mingle. But then where would the band go?\nBob Vance: Mmm. Well, what about there?\nPhyllis: Mmm, no Bob, I don't know.\nPhyllis: It's times like these, I wish my mother were with me right now. She'd show me what to do. That's stupid; she's not here. [looks at watch] She's at water aerobics for the next forty-five minutes.\nStanley: Why don't we eat more corn dogs? They're delicious.\nOscar: Totally, they're the best.\nStanley: Corn dogs should be the standard. Corn dogs should be called hot dogs, and hot dogs should be called bad dogs.\nOscar: Why don't we make corn burgers?\nStanley: [chuckling] What a messed up world.\nOscar: Seriously, do you like my idea? Corn burgers.\nAngela: I need you to make an announcement that this party is a disaster.\nAndy: But I don't think it's a disaster. I think it's fun, and I like the food.\nAngela: Deep fried Twinkies? It's gross!\nAndy: Is that what that is?\nAngela: Yes.\nAndy: You know what, I didn't try those. [reaches for one] I could try this. Augh! Fried Twinkies, you kidding me? Starting to wonder about the food in this place [takes a bite]. Oh, God! That is so good.\nStanley: When I had my colitis, Toby was very helpful. He gave me seven weeks off. When I had my acid reflux, Toby was not as helpful. So I'm mixed on Toby.\nMichael: Toby Flenderson, come on up here.\nToby: Uh, no, that's okay.\nMichael: Come on, no, no, no.\nCo-workers: Toby! Come on, Toby!\nMichael: Toby!\nCo-workers: Toby! Toby! Toby!\nToby: Okay, okay, I'm going.\nMichael: Toby has written a fantastic speech for you, he spent a year on it. It's very funny and charming and heartwarming. And it rhymes, and if it's not any good, he has instructed us all to storm the stage and beat him to a bloody pulp. [laughs] No! So, take it away, Toby! Whoo!\nToby: Well, uh, okay. Um. It's really great to be here tonight, with the Ferris wheel, the band, and the low sunlight. I'm gonna miss you all when I go to Costa Rica, and if I keep drinking beer like this, I'm gonna have to take a leak-a. [laughter from audience, Michael looks at camera unhappily] Look, on a more personal note, I just want to say thanks, you know, no matter what was going on in my life, you know, my divorce, or the custody battle, or that thing with my sister, it was just nice knowing I had a, a supportive place to come to where...\nMichael: Ach, [to Darryl quietly] okay, okay, play the cutoff music.\nDarryl: No.\nToby: I'm gonna really miss going to beers with you guys every Tuesday night [Pam holds up soda in salute, Meredith yells 'yeah!', Michael looks at camera] and lastly, I'd love to urge you to keep up with my fight to have the building checked for radon gas. You know, it's a, it's a real serious matter, and every time I try to have the, uh...\nMichael: Blah, blah, blah, blah...\nToby: ...building looked into...\nMichael: ...blah, blah, overstaying your welcome! Let's keep it moving! Let's keep it moving! Toby, everybody!\nCreed: I gave Toby my buddy Jorge's number in Costa. He'll hook Toby up with everything: cable TV, women, oh, and this amazing coffee to snort."}
{"text": "Michael: All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up. [cheering]\nDwight: From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.\nMichael: This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.\nMeredith: What should we do with all these leftovers?\nStanley: I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.\nDwight: No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.\nCreed: I can bring these to my shelter.\nStanley: I'm taking my dumplings.\nDwight: [sprays food with bug poison] There. Take those home to your wife.\nMichael: Dwight, Dwight!\nDwight: Michael, it's time.\nDwight: Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up.\nDarryl: Don't go breaking my scale.\nAndy: I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.\nHolly: Ex-squeeze me.\nMichael: No, I will ex-squeeze you.\nMichael: OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.\nDwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.\nJim: [smiles, looks to Michael] Really, nothing?\nDarryl: 2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control.\nDwight: Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.\nMichael: Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.\nDwight: Family only.\nDarryl: All right, got it. 2,210 pounds.\nKevin: Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?\nHolly: Almost, Kevin.\nPam: Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not - not close to 200...\nHolly: Math is hard.\nKevin: Yeah.\nPam: Just, we'll just keep going.\nAndy: I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.\nOscar: All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.\nAndy: Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.\nOscar: OK. [holds elevator] Stanley, come on.\nStanley: Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there. [takes the stairs after the elevator doors close]\nStanley: I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. [holds up old photo] Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.\nHolly: And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head. [Michael and Holly face each other in yoga pose]\nMichael: Jimbo.\nJim: Ah, they moved the shower.\nMichael: Did you see Holly's butt?\nJim: No, I didn't. [Michael laughs] You know why?\nMichael: Why?\nJim: Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.\nMichael: I know.\nJim: But what have you learned about her?\nMichael: I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read 'Lonesome Dove' three times.\nJim: Nice.\nMichael: And that her butt refuses to quit!\nJim: Well, I tried. [Michael laughs]\nMichael: [follows Jim into bathroom] You have to agree with me. [follows Jim back out] That's insane.\nJim: I'll just go later.\nMichael: I thought you had to pee.\nDwight: [forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks]\nOscar: Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City.\nHolly: Oh, thanks. I should check that out.\nOscar: Also - and no pressure - the teacher? He's a catch.\nHolly: Actually, I'm a lesbian.\nOscar: I'm gay!\nHolly: I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke.\nOscar: What's the joke?\nHolly: There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women.\nOscar: Oh, you think it's a choice?\nHolly: Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just-\nOscar: I'm messing with you, Holly.\nHolly: I knew that. OK, bye.\nOscar: OK.\nJim: So you have the directions.\nPam: Yes.\nJim: You have a toothbrush.\nPam: Yes.\nJim: You have a cell phone charger.\nPam: I have everything.\nPam: Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. [does hand gesture] What up, 212?\nDwight: Fax this for me.\nJim: Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.\nDwight: It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. [to Pam] If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.\nAndy: Ang. Ela. [sings] Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay-\nAngela: What?\nAndy: Hey, check it out. [hands her brochure] This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.\nAndy: Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.\nAngela: No. No.\nAndy: This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.\nAngela: I don't care.\nAndy: OK. How do you feel about Maine? [Angela picks up phone and dials] I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. [Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out]\nDwight: [exiting warehouse storage room] Ahh. We done good in there, half pint.\nAngela: Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.\nDwight: Monkey. [kisses her]\nAngela: No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!\nMichael: [sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office] Hey, hey! [falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again] Pam, Pam! Hey!\nJim: What happened?\nMichael: [frazzled and out of breath] I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?\nPam: I should really get going.\nMichael: No. OK. Um, the last word is 'seagulls.'\nPam: I'm sure it was really lovely.\nMichael: I took a lot from other poems.\nJim: Call me when you get in. [kisses Pam]\nPam: OK, bye.\nJim: Bye.\nMichael: All right, call- [leans in to kiss Pam]\nPam: No, Michael.\nJim: Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um - well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here...\nMichael: OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week.\nAngela: It doesn't matter, Michael.\nMichael: Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go.\nHolly: Oh, fancy meeting you here.\nMichael: All right.\nDarryl: OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds.\nMichael: All right!\nJim: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.\nMichael: [rapping] I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!\nHolly: Wikka wikka wikka what?\nRonnie: Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie.\nJim: I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her.\nProfessor: Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. [laughter] Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media.\nPam: I'm in the wrong class...\nProfessor: Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. [sees Pam leaving] And looks like I'm boring someone already.\nPam: Oh, no. I just-\nProfessor: Please sit down.\nHolly: You're shaking. Are you all right?\nKelly: Just leave me alone!\nKelly: [sickly] I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing.\nRonnie: Hi, can I help you?\nJan: I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.\nKevin: Hi Jan.\nJan: Hi.\nKevin: How's the candle game?\nJan: Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?\nKevin: Cool. Thank God they found her, too.\nJan: Oh, they found her?\nMichael: Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. [to Jan] Come on. Let's go in.\nJim: When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.\nHolly: Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?\nJan: That's his ex.\nHolly: Oh, she's very beautiful.\nOscar: Yes, she is. And clinically insane.\nHolly: So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.\nOscar: OK.\nAngela: Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.\nHolly: No! You do not talk to him like that!\nAngela: But he's an idiot!\nKevin: Hey!\nHolly: He is not an idiot!\nKevin: Thank you, Holly.\nHolly: He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.\nKevin: Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?\nHolly: Well, no. Dwight...\nAngela: Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.\nHolly: I'm sorry.\nAndy: Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.\nAngela: Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.\nAngela: [walking into storage room] Hurry, we have to make this fast.\nDwight: Let's do this thing.\nAngela: [Dwight slaps her butt] Hey!\nAngela: I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!\nJim: All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications-\nPam: [on computer screen] I can see you!\nJim: All right!\nPam: This is so cool.\nJim: So what is going on, girl in the computer?\nPam: Lunch with a girl from my hall.\nJim: Uh-huh.\nPam: Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.\nDwight: OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done.\nMichael: No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. [picks up computer] Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!\nPam: Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?\nMichael: Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.\nPam: The nerve.\nMichael: Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?\nPam: They're on the supply shelf.\nMichael: Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.\nPam: New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?\nMichael: OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.\nDarryl: 2,184 pounds, for a grand total - oh! You all gained five pounds back.\nMichael: Damn it. Come on.\nOscar: [Kelly faints] Oh!\nKevin: Oh, my God!\nDwight: Come on, Bernard. [Andy spits on floor as warehouse worker walks past]\nMichael: Here we go. Everybody on.\nDwight: All right, we're set.\nDarryl: Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound.\nKelly: I was on an IV for two days at the hospital.\nStanley: I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.\nPhyllis: Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite.\nPhyllis: Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. [footage of Dwight and Angela making out] I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.\nMichael: How's it going?\nPhyllis: It's going well.\nMichael: Good.\nHolly: I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?\nMichael: Cake? Who suggested cake? [Angela points to Phyllis]\nPhyllis: We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while.\nMichael: Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.\nMichael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went - I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.\nMichael: Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?\nDwight: Shotgun weddings.\nJim: That's not what that is.\nCreed: Fright. Being scared to death.\nMichael: No.\nHolly: Obesity-caused illnesses.\nDwight: Obesity-caused illnesses.\nMichael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?\nJim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.\nMichael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?\nAngela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.\nMichael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?\nJim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.\nMichael: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.\nJim: All right, I'm taking off.\nMichael: Booty call.\nJim: Nope, just going to see Pam.\nMichael: Here.\nJim: Maybe put up some shelves.\nMichael: Wait a second. [removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim] I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.\nJim: OK, thank you for ... this.\nMichael: You want more?\nJim: No.\nAndy: I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.\nAngela: It's not my problem. [dials phone]\nAndy: Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.\nAngela: That is very important to me, so - I have work to do. Just do it. [walks away]\nAndy: Sweetheart. [Angela turns around] Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.\nAndy: [Angela kisses him] Hey-oh!\nAngela: I know I haven't made this easy on you. [Dwight comes out of storage room alone, looks at watch.]\nJim: [knocks on door] Hi.\nPam: Hi. [they kiss] Mmm. 'Cause- [looks toward camera]\nJim: Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out. [closes door]\nMichael: [music playing] It's a pretty lame party.\nRonnie: Does anyone want to dance?\nJim: [watching baseball game on TV] Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.\nPhyllis: Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake.\nStanley: I don't like cake anymore\nAndy: Why not, dawg?\nStanley: Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava.\nDwight: Michael, we have a situation.\nDwight: They should not be in that room.\nHolly: That's so lame they didn't invite us.\nMichael: You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: Let's go mini-golfing.\nHolly: Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.\nMichael: Uh...\nHolly: It'll probably be a total disaster, but...\nMichael: Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.\nDwight: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.\nMichael: You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?\nHolly: Really?\nMichael: Yeah.\nHolly: Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck.\nMichael: Good luck.\nMichael: Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.\nDwight: Party's over. You are so busted!\nMichael: OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?\nPhyllis: You said fruit, Michael.\nMichael: And what is that?\nPhyllis: Cake.\nMichael: You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing.\nDwight: Happy Birthday, Stanley! [kicks cake onto Michael]\nHolly: It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off.\nKevin: [spreading peanut butter on a bagel] What?\nCreed: Oh nothing.\nKelly: It's just some of us are taking this really seriously.\nKelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.\nCreed: That wasn't a tapeworm.\nRyan: [walks in the office] How's my favorite branch doing? [no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan] All right [sits at reception].\nMichael: Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.\nRyan: And you got a goatee!\nMichael: I did!\nRyan: Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?\nMichael: Yes. Gooooo-tee!\nKevin: Firrrrre-duh guy! [high fives Ryan]\nRyan: Hey Kevin... [Kevin gives Ryan a noogie] That's really funny.\nKevin: Yeah.\nRyan: It's great to see you Kev.\nKevin: You too.\nRyan: I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.\nRyan: Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.\nJim: Well that's great. [shakes Ryan's hand] You're talking about your court ordered community service?\nRyan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.\nJim: But he did, right?\nRyan: All right.\nJim: All right.\nRyan: [glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list]\nDarryl: Well you lost zero pounds. [everyone grumbles] No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds.\nMichael: Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. [flails his arms]\nAndy: Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?\nHolly: Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?\nAndy: NO! I want names!\nAndy: This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.\nOscar: So how was your date?\nHolly: Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?\nMichael: [groans painfully]\nHolly: What's wrong?\nMichael: [struggling to speak] Mmm- mmm... Um...\nMichael: Close the door. This is your fault.\nJim: Nope.\nMichael: Your stupid friend zone.\nJim: Mmm.\nMichael: I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!\nDwight: Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. [looking at Phyllis] And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.\nJim: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?\nDwight: I am hardly the problem, Jim.\nJim: No, you're definitely the problem.\nDwight: This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.\nRyan: Kelly.\nKelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.\nRyan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed.\nKelly: Cool.\nRyan: We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?\nKelly: Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so...\nRyan: That- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around.\nKelly: It's a small office.\nRyan: Yeah.\nDwight: Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line.\nPhyllis: Yes you were.\nDwight: But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested?\nPhyllis: Split the commission?\nDwight: [sighs] Sixty - forty. Hm? [they shake hands] I'll drive.\nRyan: [exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan]\nHolly: Dieting's only half of it.\nMichael: Mmm-hmm. Saunas.\nHolly: And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym.\nMichael: Gah, the dreadmill. [both laugh]\nJim: Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider... coworkers.\nFriend: Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything.\nPam: What?\nFriend: My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me.\nPam: Really, where?\nFriend: No no! Don't look! [Pam sees an old lady behind him]\nPam: Wow, was it the age difference?\nFriend: Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early. [they laugh, Pam's phone rings, she answers]\nPam: Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends!\nPhyllis: [storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath] Are you insane?!\nDwight: Hey, hey!\nOscar: Oh my God, what happened?\nPhyllis: There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.\nDwight: And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! [claps]\nPhyllis: You left me in a bad part of town!\nDwight: Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? [Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials] You look great. I can definitely see the difference.\nPhyllis: [into phone] Phyllis Vance for David Wallace.\nHolly: ...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting-'\nMichael: [in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice] Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!\nHolly: What are you doing?\nJim: Fair question.\nMichael: I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. [hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig] They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful.\nMichael: It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.\nMichael: Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.\nJim: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you.\nMichael: If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, 'Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?'\nKevin: Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump.\nMichael: How do you know Michael Clump?\nOscar: Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character.\nMichael: How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.\nOscar: I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!'\nDwight: No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!'\nMichael: No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.\nDwight: Vamping.\nMichael: Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?\nDwight: Eh, I've been sitting all day.\nMichael: We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. [to Ryan] Hey. Hey. You shaved?\nRyan: I did.\nMichael: Why?\nRyan: [at a loss for words]\nProfessor: So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. [Pam's friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh] Others feel that fungus is do to an over-\nPam: [to friend] Nice.\nProfessor: Quiet please.\nPam: Sorry.\nFriend: Sorry.\nMichael: Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march.\nDwight: She should thank me.\nMichael: Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first.\nPhyllis: Why should I have to thank him?\nMichael: You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok.\nDwight: [exhales] I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.\nMichael: Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? [Phyllis sits] Let's all clap at Phyllis. [everyone claps] Ok! [in Michael Clump voice] When Michael Clump wants to remind you [normal voice] that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. [kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him] Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. [Kelly stands up on her chair] Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?\nRyan: [stands up] Everything. She's perfect.\nMeredith: I like her nails.\nMichael: Ok, be more specific.\nMeredith: I like her fingernails.\nPhyllis: I like her purple dress.\nMichael: What about her looks?\nCreed: Hell of an ass.\nKelly: ...what else do people like?\nPhyllis: I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs.\nMichael: Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?\nKelly: I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me!\nMichael: I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. [Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest] Mmmmmm.\nJim: Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?\nMichael: Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers.\nRyan: Oh...\nMichael: Ahaha, Yep! [Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee]\nOscar: How was Friday night?\nHolly: Oh, I had a good time, but it's been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so...\nOscar: He'll call.\nMichael: Oscar, enough with the girl talk please.\nDarryl: You guys lost four pounds.\nMichael: Hey!\nDarryl: I say we have a parade.\nDwight: We better.\nMichael: Excellent! Good job.\nJim: So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so...\nPam: You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you.\nJim: I know. I suck.\nDwight: Yes, you do.\nJim: Dwight says 'Hi.'\nDwight: I do not! I do not say 'Hi' Pam!\nJim: Now he is saying 'Hi' louder.\nPam: I... listen, umm, we're still good for this weekend, right?\nJim: Umm...\nPam: No football games, recitals, karate tournaments.\nJim: Hey, can you go to IM?\nPam: OK.\nJim: OK.\nJIM9334 [screen name]: Let's meet for lunch.\nDwight: What are you writing about me?\nReceptionitis15 [screen name]: What - today?\nJIM9334: Yeah. C'mon we'll meet halfway. You'll be back for your 4 o'clock class.\nDwight: I'm gonna write you both up for not working.\nJim: I'm gonna write you up for not working.\nDwight: Ok, well played. Neither of us'll write the other up for not working.\nReceptionitis15: Where?\nJIM9334: The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think. 1 o'clock.\nReceptionitis15: Alright. See you there. : ) P.S. I finally finished my\nJim: [holds up an ASCII image of Dwight]\nMichael: Yeah, oh, hey. Did he call?\nHolly: I just got off... Kendall? I just got off...\nMichael: No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy. What, what happened? Did he call?\nHolly: Oh, no.\nMicheal: Really?\nHolly: No.\nMicheal: Aach.\nHolly: And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call?\nMichael: I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. He'll call back though. Give him until the end of the day, he'll call. If he doesn't, he is loco.\nHolly: Thanks. That's sweet. Anyways, umm, seems like we lost to Utica by only eight pounds.\nMichael: Ugh.\nHolly: Well, at least everyone lost weight. That's all that really matters.\nMichael: Wait, do we have until the end of the day?\nHolly: So we're only eight pounds behind Utica. Now, I know it's a stretch but we could weigh ourselves again at the end of the day and maybe win this thing after all.\nAndy: Leave it to me, boss. I can get this whole office to make weight. [turns up thermostat] It's gonna be a little toasty in here. Good old fashioned sweat lodge.\nAndy: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.\nMichael: [Kelly eating in the break room] Hey, is that healthy food?\nKelly: Nope.\nMichael: We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly. Please?\nJim: Hey, Michael. I just scheduled lunch with a client so I might be back a little late.\nMichael: Ok, that is fine. Just water, and be back by weigh-in, ok?\nJim: Perfect.\nDwight: [sprays the inside of the vending machine with bug spray]\nAngela: I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff.\nAndy: Your wish is my command.\nAngela: Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy?\nAndy: Of course!\nAngela: Really?\nAndy: Yeah! I mean it's a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?\nAngela: Mmhmm.\nAndy: And you know what? The guys already know it so it's easy breezy.\nAngela: The guys?\nAndy: I didn't tell you.\nAngela: Mm-mm\nAndy: Here Comes Treble, class of '96 was available for our big day, so, I booked 'em.\nAngela: I don't think that...\nAndy: And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so... it totally works out.\nAngela: I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band.\nAndy: Ok, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You're gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that's me, Pubie Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for.\nAngela: [Angela dials the phone] Let's talk about this later. [Dwight's pager buzzes]\nAndy: Mm-wah! [Angela walks away, Dwight follows]\nPam: Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.\nJim: [Jim gets down on one knee]\nPam: What are you doing?\nJim: I just... couldn't wait.\nPam: Oh my God!\nJim: Pam, will you marry me?\nPam: Oh my God!\nJim: So?\nPam: Yes! [they embrace and kiss]\nDwight: God. Where is Jim?\nHolly: I'm calling it. I guess that's curtains for the yoga guy.\nMichael: Aww, really?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing...\nHolly: Yeah?\nMichael: ...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.\nHolly: Aww man, I really wanted to see them.\nMichael: I know. I love Counting Crows.\nHolly: Look at where my seats were.\nMichael: Wow, really?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: That's a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you.\nHolly: Michael, you don't have to buy them.\nMichael: I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do.\nHolly: Ok.\nMichael: Ok?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: Alright. Alright! [tears up tickets] Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so...\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: Is that good?\nHolly: Yeah.\nJim: Hey, sorry everybody.\nDwight: What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You're late.\nAndy: Wet Tuna!\nJim: Hey Dwight.\nMichael: OK.\nJim: What's up, Meredith?\nMeredith: Nothing.\nDwight: Dripping on me.\nMichael: Darryl, would you do the honors?\nDarryl: Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. [everyone moans] Sorry guys.\nMichael: Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers.\nStanley: I don't know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I'm just gonna take five days off anyway.\nToby: [in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors.\nKelly: [to Holly] I'm doing the blood type diet.\nMeredith: Who gives a f[bleep]?\nKelly: What'd you say h[bleep]?\nHolly: Okay, great. I got it.\nDwight: Look what just arrived from the Nashua branch. [reads from card attached to gift basket] 'Here's something to enjoy on your three non-vacation days. Nashua branch.' Can I send them a dead deer?\nMichael: No, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna take that and we are going to us it as a reward for the end of our competition.\nDwight: Classy.\nDwight: My dream vacation? I sleep in, putter around the farm, go fishing for a few hours, take a long run in the forest, check the traps. Then the sun comes up and I head into work, which is empty, because everyone else is out of town on vacation.\nOscar: [seeing Kevin throw out bunch of M&Ms] Nice job, Kevin. [Kevin fills jar back up with another candy]\nOscar: I'm pretty fit. But in the gay community, there's a lot of pressure to be ripped. I got straight abs. I want gay abs.\nOscar: Can you turn the heat down now - it's oppressive.\nAndy: Yeah, totally. I'm sorry, Oscar. Yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you.\nOscar: It's just...\nAndy: Cause it's kind of bothering all of us, 'cause it's really hot, you know, it's hot, so we can lose weight, so we don't screw up this whole contest for the entire freaking office, but if you want, I'll turn it down.\nMichael: Hello, hello. Hey! Your face is almost back to normal.\nMeredith: One more kid calls me 'Hellboy,' I swear to God...\nDwight: Oh, you wish. Hellboy's a hero.\nMeredith: These guys took me out on their fishing boat. I don't think I caught anything.\nOscar: Have you been to the beach yet?\nToby: [on the computer] No, but I'm going zip lining tomorrow, through the, through the rainforest, with this cool couple I, I met at my hotel. Wo-woman's amazing...\nMichael: Hey, Oscar! Come on, let's go!\nOscar: Okay, Toby, I gotta go.\nToby: Hey, is that Michael? Does he miss me? [laughs] Uh, Oscar? Are you there? Hello? [sighs]\nMichael: I am suspending you without pay for the rest of the year.\nJim: No, you're not.\nMichael: Okay, no, I am not. Dwight! [Dwight runs into Michael's office] I want you to take Jim's chair. No! No! His chair at his desk. He gets it back on Friday.\nDwight: All right!\nMichael: I want you to get your ass out of my face.\nJim: [sitting on a stack of paper] Yeah, well, if you're only free till three on Sunday and I can't get there till one, then it's gonna be pretty tight.\nMichael: [from his office] That's what she said.\nJim: [as Dwight tries to take paper out from under him] Hey, can you not?\nDwight: Can you not? No sitting devices, Michael's rules.\nJim: No, no, no, definitely, definitely. Yes. Next weekend, then. All right! I love you, too.\nDwight: Gah! [tries to dislodge paper with his feet]\nDarryl: Hey, um, my daughter said you traded her a headband for her Nintendo DS?\nKelly: Oh yeah, she loves that headband.\nDarryl: She's six.\nKelly: She manipulates you.\nDarryl: Okay, I'm gonna need you to make this right or else we can't be right.\nKelly: I never know when you're kidding.\nJan: I can't feel... I can't feel anything that you're doing, Michael.\nMichael: Well...\nJan: It's like nothing's happening.\nMichael: You're...you know what? I read in one of those books that you're not even supposed to give foot massages because it can induce labor.\nJan: Oh, just stop making excuses and just dig in there.\nMichael: I'm digging.\nJim: When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us all to believe that he was the father... by telling us he was the father. But then we got this e-mail from Jan. [waves paper and reads from it] 'Hi, everyone! Jan here, writing to share some wonderful news and to quash a rumor. First, the great news - I am expecting. The beautiful baby inside me will be ready to meet the world this fall just a few months before the launch of the new Serenity by Jan line (shameless plug, I know, don't hate me, LOL). Anyway, I also wanted to clarify that the father is not anyone that you or I have ever met. Remember, no matter how excited someone is about my baby, it does not make them the father. Best, Jan. P.S. Hope to ship you something soon.'\nMichael: I can't wait to be a father. I'm going to smother that baby.\nJan: Uh, new wicks from Craft Corner, uh, this dress [hands Michael bag] returned to Suburban Casuals, and uh, panty liners.\nMichael: I really, I don't want to get panty liners, please...\nJan: Well, I, you said you wanted to help, so I...\nMichael: I know, it's...\nDwight: Will you be able to milk with those implants?\nJan: You mean breastfeed?\nDwight: Yeah. [Jan starts to get up] Easy there, old girl. [tries to help her]\nJan: Uh, I'm fine, thank you.\nDwight: Okay.\nJan: Would you just call me when you're done with the errands, Michael?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: [as Jan leaves room] Careful. Hmm. She was a keeper.\nMichael: I want you to get the panty liners.\nDwight: Done."}
{"text": "Pam: [on the phone] Well, I should go.\nJim: Alright. I'll tell everybody here that you say hi.\nPam: No, don't. I'm mad at them.\nJim: Why, what happened?\nPam: Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement.\nJim: Ah. That... they might be off the hook for because I... didn't tell them.\nPam: What? Why not?\nJim: I just didn't, you know, want a deal.\nPam: Come on, it won't be that bad.\nJim: OK. You know what? Here we go. [stands up] Uh, everybody? I just want to make an announcement. Pam and I are engaged.\nPam: [speakerphone] Hi everyone!\nOscar: I thought you were already engaged.\nJim: Nope.\nAngela: That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.\nJim: Thank you Angela.\nKevin: I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?\nJim: Yes.\nAndy: A little close to my engagement there Tuna, what's your game here?\nJim: To get married.\nDwight: [raises hand] She's not a virgin, you know.\nPam: Wow.\nMichael: [walking in] What's going on?\nPam: No, nothing. Nothing Michael! Just saying hi. [Michael waves 'hi' at the phone]\nCreed: The tall guy got engaged.\nMichael: [to Jim] To be married?\nJim: Yep. [Michael hugs/tackles Jim]\nPam: Sorry.\nHolly: Pencils down! [Dwight quickly puts his pencil down] Just kidding, take your time.\nHolly: Today is ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be insaaaaane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder.\nDwight: [trying to assist Michael, who is trying to press play on a CD player] I got it, I got it. [Olivia Newton-John's 'Let's Get Physical' starts to play as Holly and Michael jog into the meeting room, dancing]\nMichael & Holly: Let's get ethical! Ethical! I wanna get ethical! Let's get into Ethics yeah! Let me hear that Dunder Mifflin talk! Your body talk. Let me hear your body talk.\nMichael: WOO! Alright!\nMichael: Why are you helping her? You're not even dating.' She's my friend... and... ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship... without her even knowing. Uh...\nMichael: Ok, let's give it for Miss... Holly Flaaaax! [everyone claps]\nHolly: Thanks Michael. [Michael groans exhaustingly] Today we're going to have a business ethics seminar because recently, without mentioning any names, there has been some misconduct at corporate and we have a very strict ethics policy and that employee has been fired.\nKevin: Oh come on! He's right there. [points at Ryan] He was hired. [to Jim] Oh check it out, 'Hired Guy.'\nJim: Nice. [they bump fists]\nRyan: Ok, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor season six? [Dwight raises his hand] Anyone know Joanna on that show? [Dwight nods] In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable. So...\nMichael: [clapping] Ok. Well done. Good speech Ryan, you're a good guy.\nHolly: Let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree. But ideally you would have selected totally agree.\nPhyllis: I thought very strongly agree sounded stronger than totally agree.\nHolly: Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally you would all totally agree with that statement.\nMichael: Well, I think we can all totally agree that Holly is totally fantastic. [claps]\nHolly: Thank you. In fact, spending a half hour at the water cooler during work hours is a form of stealing.\nKelly: What?\nHolly: Yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over the line time wasters?\nStanley: This meeting.\nAndy: Hey-oh!\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: [to Holly] Can't set 'em up like that.\nKelly: Why is ok for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care.\nMeredith: I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse.\nHolly: Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about.\nMichael: Can we have a moment? [whispering] Can I talk to you for a sec? Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic.\nDight: Michael.\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: What should we be working on while you guys are talking?\nMichael: Do some... do some work. [whispering to Holly] People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists. Surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan.\nHolly: Well, I just have to get through the binder.\nMichael: Do you... just... you're kind of losing them.\nHolly: I am?\nMicheal: Yeah, don't think about the stakes. It'll freak you out.\nHolly: Ok. [to everyone] Michael makes a really good point so, uh, let's just open this up a little bit. Say my name is Lauren and here I am shopping in a supermarket and I steal a pencil. That's not right.\nMichael: [coughs to hide his words] Lauren, [coughs] enough with the pencils.\nHolly: No, I have to go over pencils and office supplies. It's part of the ethics thing.\nOscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.\nAndy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ... Boom!\nOscar: Exactly, Andy.\nAndy: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy,\nDwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.\nAndy: No that's... not how it works.\nMichael: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.\nHolly: Ok, but we should get back to business. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace.\nMichael: Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar, come on.\nOscar: Pass.\nMichael: I will go first. When I discovered\nHolly: What was the dilemma?\nMichael: To tell you or not. And I'm glad I did. I feel very very good. Cathartic. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.\nHolly: Oh- no no no.\nMichael: Yeah, [interrupting gibberish]. Come on, anybody. Let it fly.\nOscar: Ok, once in a while I'll take a long lunch.\nMichael: A siesta!\nDwight: Time thief. Time thief! Fire him!\nJim: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?\nDwight: Never!\nMichael: You are a thief of joy. Anybody else. Yeah?\nKelly: Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer.\nMichael: Who hasn't? Good. Good! What else?\nHolly: No- I, I'd like to hear more about that.\nMichael: Mmm...\nAngela: I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it.\nMichael: Well, let's keep this party movin' on.\nMeredith: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Meyers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill?\nMichael: Bruuuuuuuuuce.\nMeredith: Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.\nJim: Jackpot.\nMichael: Ach! Wuh-\nHolly: Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods.\nMeredith: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?\nMichael: That's crazy. That's crazy talk! Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? [checks watch] You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right... what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is... unknowable. But, let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work. [everyone applauds, then leaves] [to Holly] Great job. I am truly impressed. That, uh, you really pulled that one out. Classic. Classic meeting. We should celebrate.\nHolly: Michael, there is some serious issues with Meredith.\nMichael: Oh...\nHolly: I mean all of you have done things I wouldn't have done myself but Meredith's actions are really over the line.\nMicheal: Nnyeah. What ya gonna do?\nHolly: So, regarding this supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been?\nMeredith: Liaisons, you mean meet-ups? I don't know, once a month for six years. Something like that.\nMichael: Meredith, why don't you tell Holly... it's not what she thinks. Nothing unethical happened... and that you just like to sleep around.\nMeredith: Am I in trouble here or something?\nMichael: No... no, this is just a stupid formality.\nHolly: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these, um, meet-ups just personal? Unrelated to business?\nMeredith: Nah, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.\nMicheal: Ughh! For the love of God we're trying to help you... stupid bag.\nHolly: What I don't understand is... why the steak coupons? I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper?\nMeredith: Well it's funny. Maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, and he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. [Holly begins to write in her notebook] Hey what's going on here? I thought I had immunity?\nHolly: Well unfortunately immunity or something being off the record does not really exist in the workplace. I mean I've never heard of anyone who's kept their job after something like this.\nMeredith: Well... I'm not quitting.\nJim: [starts a stopwatch as Dwight yawns, stops it when Dwight is done] Yawn. Four seconds.\nDwight: What are you doing?\nJim: Oh you had said that you don't do anything personal during work time so... I'm just making sure.\nDwight: Oh, so wait a minute, you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. [Jim smiles and starts the stopwatch] Really? [in a mocking voice] Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch everybody! He's ti- [Dwight conceeds and goes back to work, Jim stops the watch]\nJim: Personal conversation. Seventeen seconds.\nDwight: There is no way that that was- [Jim starts the watch]\nJim: [stops the watch] One second.\nMichael: Well, well. Holly... lujah! It's a miracle, you're at your desk.\nHolly: It's Mike-raculous.\nMichael: Hoo-ooh! Reaching! You'll get there. Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two attractive, good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can't, you know, just... sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out.\nHolly: Sounds good.\nMichael: Good. Would you care to bang it out over lunch?\nHolly: Oh I already bought this...\nMichael: Oh no, no, no. Your food is no good here, my lady. [sweeps her food into the trash can, misses] Sorry! You know what? Let's go out! Dunder Mifflin's treat. Um, actually you're not a client... so... we'll just split it? Ethical.\nHolly: So, I've gone over corporate policy.\nMichael: What do you think? What do you think of this place?\nHolly: Oh, it's very nice.\nMichael: Istn't it? Yeah, it's kind of... business/romantic. So you're from Des Moines?\nHolly: Mmm.\nMichael: Wow, that sounds so... warm.\nHolly: In Summer.\nMichael: Here too. You know what my favorite season is?\nHolly: Maybe we should talk about Meredith first.\nMichael: Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way. Autumn was what I was going to say. When the leaves change. It's just, I... I think it is the most contemplative of seasons.\nHolly: Ok, so I have gone over this and I have thought about it and I just don't think there is any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated.\nMichael: Wow, terminator, terminator.\nHolly: I'm from da future.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: Hey, Andy.\nAndy: Yo.\nJim: By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?\nAndy: No, I did not. Was that any good?\nJim: Actually not. It was really so-so.\nDwight: Ok. [Dwight turns around, but Jim holds up the stopwatch, threatening to start it]\nJim: I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff. You know, like klingons and wookies and all that but... [Dwight begins to turn around again, Jim holds up the watch] Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?\nAndy: Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?\nJim: You know, it's weird. It's practically a shot for shot remake.\nAndy: Really? [Dwight closes his eyes, clutches the paper in his hands] Huh, that's cool.\nJim: Story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.\nAndy: Really? That doesn't sound right.\nMichael: I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home? And Meredith needs this job. This is her main source of money.\nHolly: Well, that's very sweet but we have to follow the protocol. Those are the rules.\nMichael: Ok, new idea. We don't report it at all. We just punish her.\nHolly: We punish her?\nMichael: Mmhmm, tell her she can't have sex for six months.\nHolly: I don't think we could enforce that.\nMichael: I don't know. I saw this thing, like a belt with a key.\nHolly: A chastity belt.\nMichael: No, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes like made of, sometimes they are made of metal. You know what I am talking about. You unlock a little door that... down... where you, where you put, where you put the...\nJim: He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I have been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.\nMichael: I am just saying that I don't think that you understand what I am saying.\nHolly: No, you are saying that we should sweep it under the carpet, accept the discount on supplies, not fire Meredith and pretend like the whole thing never happened.\nMichael: Yes.\nHolly: What am I saying?\nMichael: Well... bleh busted. I don't...\nHolly: I'm saying that her behavior is unethical and a little icky and I don't think I want to work in an environment where that sort of conduct is tolerated.\nMichael: Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you are part of a family.\nHolly: It's not a family. It's a workplace.\nMichael: I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don't want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers. [throws Holly's leftovers in the trash]\nJim: [Dwight walks back to his desk] 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds?\nDwight: None of your business.\nJim: So I guess I can assume that was personal.\nDwight: [Dwight stares at Angela, buttoning the top button of her blouse] Fine.\nJim: So maybe you're not completely ethical after all.\nDwight: Yes, maybe I'm not. [Dwight grins and gives a sly look at the camera]\nHolly: It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over.\nRyan: Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in too.\nMichael: What's the only thing worse than one HR rep?\nRyan: Two HR reps.\nMichael: You get me.\nHolly: Can I sit?\nMichael: I don't know. Can you? Kendall, my main man.\nKendall: [on speakerphone] Listen, Holly, Michael, I just got the report that your branch submitted and there's a lot of stuff about a relationship Meredith is having with..\nHolly: Yes, that came out during the ethics seminar.\nMichael: Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar.\nKendall: Well, I'm not sure these circumstances warrant any action.\nHolly: Oh, I think it is pretty clear that it was unethical.\nKendall: Well, from what I can gather it seems like a gray area. Look, to be honest the company is getting a discount at a tough time in our balance sheet and I don't know that the right thing to do for the company is to turn our noses up at that.\nHolly: Umm, Kendall, I understand that the discount is good for the company but I'm just not happy about the way we are getting it.\nKendall: I thought it was clear with you, Holly. Your task was to get signatures from the employees showing that they completed the training.\nHolly: No, I understand.\nKendall: Every other branch has managed to get this to us so if it's not something you can handle then that's a different discussion.\nHolly: No. I can do it.\nKendall: Good.\nMichael: How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, 'I told you so.' Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? ... Probably the funny way.\nHolly: Can I have everyone's attention? Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention, please. We need to finish the ethics seminar.\nAndy: No way, lady.\nKevin: It's a trap.\nHolly: Everyone, please, I just need your signatures to show corporate that I gave you the training.\nMeredith: Don't sign anything.\nMichael: Ok, everybody listen up. If you are not in that conference room in two minutes I am going to kill you.\nStanley: It's a quarter to five and I have started to gather my things.\nMichael: Get in there right now or I'm gonna lose it! [everyone gets up to go in the conference room]\nMeredith: Am I getting fired?\nMichael: Now is really not the time, Meredith.\nHolly: In this next section we examine the difference between sick days and personal days. Sick days are only to be used when an illness precludes you form doing your job or can spread to your coworkers. Personal days, on the other hand, are much more flexible.\nPhyllis: Thank you, Meredith, this was delicious.\nMeredith: Hey, where is the steak sauce?\nKevin: I think we're out.\nMeredith: I got some in my minivan somewhere.\nAndy: Wait a second, how does the steak factor in again?\nKevin: I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash.\nPhyllis: I don't care what she's doing. I just hope she keeps doing it.\nStanley: Amen. Just keep the ribs coming.\nHolly: Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about.\nOscar: That's a big ethical area?\nOscar: Listen, I would love to have an honest conversation with management about ethics. Why isn't the company doing better? Mmm... it could be the pad of Post-its I took home last week. Or it could be the twelve million dollars in deferred compensation in stock options they paid the CEO for a year of substandard performance. I'm sure we'll cover both in the seminar.\nCreed: I've done some things I'm not proud of. Committed some atrocities in Vietnam, uh, two years ago. Princess Cruise Lines.\nPhyllis: During our honeymoon safari in Africa, Bob and I were driving late at night, and he'd been drinking, and suddenly thump. We hit something with our jeep. It was probably a man. We didn't know what to do. We heard the police were corrupt and they might beat us, so we just kept driving as fast as we could. We bribed the airline, got on a plane that night, and fled home. Maybe it was just an ostrich. In a soccer uniform.\nHolly: Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the work place?\nMichael: Let's keep this rollin'... Ryan?\nJim: Oh, but you mean other than embezzling?\nRyan: Fraud, Jim, Fraud.\nJim: Fraud.\nRyan: Sure, last year you guys were riding me really hard for the website and I just peeled out my Z3 and I knocked the mirror off somebody's car. I never said a thing.\nKevin: Wait, what?\nKevin: You knocked the mirror off of my car.\nRyan: Yeah, isn't that messed up?\nKevin: Yeah.\nRyan: That guy did a lot of things I'm not proud of.\nKevin: Wait, when you say 'that guy', you mean you?\nRyan: I mean the guy I used to be. I'm Ryan 2.0 and if it makes you feel any better, that guy did a lot of messed up stuff to me too. [tries to walk away]\nKevin: No, you mean that you did a lot of messed up stuff to you... too?\nRyan: Look, I feel you okay? That guy took no responsibility for his actions.\nKevin: But are, are you gonna pay for my mirror?\nRyan: If I have to answer for everything that guy did... [shakes head] I'm never gonna move on.\nKevin: It was like two hundred dollars.\nRyan: We're never going to get what need from that guy. [still shaking head, pats Kevin on the shoulder and walks out of the kitchen]\nRyan: Hey, anybody see a pair of sunglasses?\nKevin: Umm... I think I saw some in the kitchen. [toaster oven bell rings, Ryan opens it as smoke rolls out and he see's his melted sunglasses on the tray, Ryan takes cooked sunglasses to Kevin] Oh! I didn't do that. That was Kevin 1.0, but he hurt a lot of people Ryan, and I can't accept responsibility for what he did. [Ryan walks away and throws his sunglasses in the trash, Kevin smiles]\nMeredith: What are we gonna do?\nStanley: About what?\nMeredith: Holly. She's on the warpath. She is gunning for all our jobs. Do you guys have any dirt on her?\nPhyllis: Mmm... sometimes her stockings have a run in them.\nMeredith: No. Something I can blackmail her with.\nPhyllis: One time I said good morning to her, and she didn't say it back.\nMeredith: Stanley, didn't she say a bunch of racist stuff to you?\nStanley: No, that was you.\nMeredith: You weren't even in the room! Thanks for nothing.\nMeredith: Hey, how did it go?\nMichael: Oh, cr..., oh, God. Meredith, you know what? I just need a minute, okay?\nMeredith: Okay. [remains sitting]\nMichael: What do you need?\nMeredith: I'm getting fired, aren't I? I can't get fired. I got nothing else. Nothing. No skill set. Can't type, bad on the phone, not great with people.\nMichael: I... really want to keep you.\nMeredith: Where else am I gonna get another job that lets me come it at eleven and leave at four?\nMichael: Wait, what?\nMeredith: I wish Toby was still here.\nMichael: Nnnngah!"}
{"text": "Dwight: [looking pregnant] Hey Michael?\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: Contractions are coming every ten minutes.\nMichael: OK, just remember to keep breathing.\nDwight: My cervix is ripening.\nMichael: OK, good.\nJim: [drawing two family trees on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through [draws a question mark] delusion.\nDwight: Michael! My water's breaking!\nMichael: Oh, OK! OK!\nDwight: Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?\nMichael: I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.\nDwight: Right. Highways or surface roads?\nMichael: I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.\nDwight: No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!\nMichael: I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby.\nDwight: It's about adapting to the circumstances.\nMichael: [annoyed] Andy, would you like to have my baby?\nAndy: Yes! Yeah. [squatting and pushing] Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!\nDwight: No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! [runs into Michael's office]\nMichael: All right, OK. [to Andy] Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!\nDwight: The pressure! The pressure!\nMichael: Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.\nDwight: Aaaaaaaa!\nMichael: Aaaaaaaa!\nDwight: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.\nMichael: Just keep pushing...\nDwight: [lying on Michael's desk] Hold me!\nMichael: I'm right here.\nDwight: Cradle my head!\nMichael: I'm right here, I'm right here.\nDwight: I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!\nMichael: [annoyed] All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.\nDwight: Numb me up. I want anesthesia!\nMichael: Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late.\nDwight: No! I don't want natural!\nMichael: No. You have to just push it out!\nDwight: OK!\nMichael: Keep simulating.\nDwight: Aaaaaaaa!\nMichael: OK!\nDwight: Do you have the Sharpie?!\nMichael: Keep simulating.\nDwight: Do you have the Sharpie?!\nMichael: Yes, I do!\nDwight: OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.\nMichael: OK.\nDwight: Ready?!\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Aaaaaaaa!\nMichael: Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! [drops the watermelon onto the floor] Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?\nDwight: Butter. Newborns are slippery.\nMichael: Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.\nMichael: [eating the watermelon] It is going to be the happiest day of my life. [Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly]\nMichael: Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?\nPhyllis: No.\nMichael: Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. [more softly] Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?\nAngela: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name 'Chevy.' And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name 'Astird.'\nPhyllis: That can't be right.\nAngela: Michael wrote down 'Astird.'\nMichael: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...\nMeredith: Ass...turd.\nMichael: I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?\nMichael: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens.\nPhyllis: Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.\nKevin: But Phyllis, it's not his baby.\nPhyllis: I know, Kevin.\nOscar: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?\nPhyllis: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.\nPhyllis: I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.\nMichael: [banging on the glass] Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.\nPhyllis: Sorry.\nMichael: Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. [Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump] Pump it!\nPam: [on phone] So you know Stacy, right?\nJim: Right, the one from England.\nPam: There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages.\nJim: Oh. Right, that style.\nPam: So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab.\nJim: OK...\nPam: Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.\nJim: Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?\nPam: No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres.\nJim: OK.\nPam: So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, 'No way. You can't reserve seats.' And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.\nJim: [clearly just humoring her] No... way!\nPam: Yes!\nJim: Ha ha. That's hilarious?\nPam: No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested.\nJim: Who, Stacy?\nPam: No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?\nJim: Uh...\nPam: Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. [hangs up]\nJim: OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] That was a good story.\nDwight: Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?\nAndy: Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?\nAngela: It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.\nAndy: Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?\nAngela: That's Phyllis.\nAndy: Well -\nAngela: Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.\nAndy: Why would that make me a pervert, I -\nAngela: Well, it does. That's me.\nAndy: That's not you.\nAngela: Yes it is.\nAndy: That's mean, come on, that's - [Angela storms out]\nMichael: Ahoy, matey.\nHolly: Ahoy.\nMichael: Ahoy. So, how you doin'?\nHolly: Good.\nMichael: Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.\nHolly: Of course. Yeah.\nStanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?\nJim: [Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller] Jan.\nJan: Hi, Jim!\nJim: What do we have here?\nJan: This is my baby.\nJim: Really...\nDwight: Oh no... [Michael enters and notices Jan's baby]\nDwight: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.\nMichael: So this is Astird.\nJan: Astrid.\nMichael: Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me?\nJan: Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-\nMichael: I could have helped.\nJan: And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so...\nMichael: Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.\nJan: OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's...\nMichael: No, I don't!\nJan: I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet.\nMichael: Can I hold her?\nJan: Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah.\nMichael: [cradling the car seat awkwardly] All right, OK.\nMichael: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.\nMichael: [carrying the car seat] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...\nJan: trid.\nMichael: ...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.\nJan: Well...\nMichael: [looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. [lifting the car seat high above his head] Lion King!\nJan: Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that.\nMichael: OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop.\nHolly: You OK? You seem kind of...\nMichael: [sees Jan sizing up Holly] I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.\nMichael: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!\nKevin: Michael, the baby's already been born.\nMichael: Uh, duh.\nKevin: So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.\nMichael: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.\nKevin: OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?\nMichael: All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. [holding a memo pad] I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.\nJan: Thank you. That's very sweet of you.\nMichael: Whatta we got?\nAngela: Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller.\nMichael: Oh!\nJan: Thank you.\nMichael: She already has a stroller.\nKelly: And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.\nOscar: She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller.\nDwight: Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.\nMichael: OK, what else?\nDwight: Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. [straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator]\nJan: [singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' to Astrid] Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one...\nPam: Hey you!\nJim: [on phone] Hey! You busy?\nPam: Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month.\nJim: OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' and everyone's just staring at her.\nPam: I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going-\nJim: The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes!\nPam: I can't hear anything!\nJim: Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later.\nPam: OK.\nPam: I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick.\nJan: [now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep] How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one...\nDwight: [heaving the stroller into a tire yard] Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!\nDwight: [throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence] Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!\nDwight: [tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires] Playtime is over!\nAndy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.\nJan: Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing.\nAngela: You gave birth in a tub?\nJan: Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.\nKelly: Um, so you're in the tub with everything?\nJan: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah.\nCreed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.\nJan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.\nCreed: Ugh.\nStanley: I'm done.\nOscar: Me too.\nJan: And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. [everyone starts leaving]\nMichael: Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this.\nMichael: I could have helped.\nJan: You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?\nMichael: [smiling] Uh, yeah.\nJan: All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty.\nMichael: [voiceover] I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged.\nMichael: Phyllis? Could you take-.\nMichael: Hey guys.\nDarryl: What's up, Mike?\nMichael: Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.\nDarryl: You a baby daddy?\nMichael: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?\nDarryl: Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.\nMichael: I just saw this baby daddy-\nDarryl: You should stop calling yourself 'baby daddy.'\nMichael: Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?\nDarryl: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.\nMichael: Well-\nDarryl: You feel connected to his baby over there?\nMichael: It's- that's different.\nDarryl: You feel connected to this? [hold up his back brace]\nMichael: That's not a baby.\nDarryl: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?\nMichael: [sighs] Could I?\nDarryl: No.\nJan: [wakes up on the reception couch] Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep.\nHolly: I can imagine.\nJan: Where's Astrid?\nHolly: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.\nJan: On a what?\nHolly: Waaa! More paper! Waaa! [she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed] No, she's just on a coffee break.\nJan: [sarcastically] That's funny.\nHolly: She's with Angela.\nAngela: [with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table] That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready?\nAndy: OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!\nAngela: Now. Come on, up here!\nAndy: Look up here!\nAngela: Your hand's in it.\nAndy: What? Sorry.\nAngela: Yeah, that's a good one.\nJan: What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me.\nAndy: We're taking a picture.\nJan: [picking up Astrid] There you are.\nAndy: She's nature's bounty.\nJan: You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that?\nJan: Michael, I need your help.\nMichael: [sees Holly behind Jan] I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.\nJan: Uh... come on.\nDwight: I like to call this... the bumper test. [drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times]\nMichael: Sure you can't stay a little longer?\nJan: Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go.\nMichael: All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving.\nJan: You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with?\nDwight: Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.\nJan: Ah. Thanks, Dwight.\nJan: OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me.\nMichael: OK?\nJan: Don't date Holly.\nMichael: Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine.\nJan: Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon.\nMichael: All right.\nJan: OK.\nHolly: You still gonna be mean to me?\nMichael: [just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles] You wanna go out?\nHolly: Yes.\nMichael: I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.\nJim: [on voicemail] Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message.\nPam: Hi.\nPam: [on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time] Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message.\nJim: [walking to his car] Hey, it's me. It is 5:03.\nPam: I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but...\nJim: You must be out or something.\nPam: I'll leave a message.\nJim: Is it me, or are we just a little off today?\nPam: I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better.\nJim: Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.\nPam: I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.\nJim: Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?\nPam: And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?\nJim: Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe.\nPam: You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home.\nJim: Wish you were home. Uh, anyway...\nPam: Anyway, um... I miss you.\nJim: I miss you.\nAngela: All right, how about we play the game where we guess how big the mother's belly is?\nMichael: Oh! OK!\nJan: Well...\nAngela: How many squares of toilet paper go around the waist?\nKevin: Does that mean there's no toilet paper in the bathroom?\nAngela: Kevin, relax.\nJan: OK, you know what, I don't think I need to do this one, because I only gained twelve pounds and I'm just going to get rid of all of that, so...\nMichael: Seventeen. I say seventeen squares.\nJan: OK, give me the roll. I'll do it.\nMichael: Do the boobs!\nJan: Yeah, we're not doing my boobs, Michael. OK, seven, someone give me the prize. [to Astrid] Oh, it's OK...\nHolly: Did she really just have a baby? She's so beautiful.\nJim: Oh yeah. Wait 'til you get to know her better though.\nMichael: Hey! HR lady, stop whispering in the corner please. Very rude. You're ruining the party.\nHolly: I'm starting to get a feeling for what life was like around here for Toby.\nToby: [on the phone] It was terrible.\nHolly: I know.\nToby: I prefer being stuck in a Costa Rican hospital.\nHolly: Really?\nToby: Not really.\nKevin: Hey Jan, you went to a sperm bank?\nJan: Uh, yes, I did.\nKevin: I donated sperm.\nJan: Oh.\nKevin: Maybe I'm the father.\nJan: Well, this is a highly exclusive establishment.\nKevin: Next to the IHOP?\nJan: Well, I paid for an ideal specimen.\nOscar: Are you saying Kevin is not an ideal specimen?\nJan: This is a wonderful shower, everyone. Thank you.\nKevin: [to camera] I might have done it with Jan!\nJan: It's not Kevin's child. Can't possibly be. I mean, I don't know what I would do. Sue... icide?\nJan: [Jan nurses Astrid with her top down, office workers try to work] Okay, 'Stridly, you want to try the other side? Okay, here we go. That's good. Oh, good job.\nKevin: Jan? What's new?\nJan: You know what, Kevin? Why don't you just go ahead and stare? Because, you know, it's, it's fine with me. I mean, this is sooo natural, and so beautiful, and...\nKevin: Seriously? You're okay with that?\nJan: Of course. I mean, there's nothing erotic about this, you know, it's, it's, it's what these [shakes a breast] were made for, you know, I mean they're full of baby milk, they're... nourishing my baby, so... [tosses head proudly, Creed comes up to stand next to Kevin, staring directly at Jan's chest] Michael!\nDwight: Hello, spoiled little baby, [to a watermelon] in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it's as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let's see what happens... [lets it go, it flies off the curb, stays upright, and stops safely] Inconclusive. [pushes it out into the street, it rolls to a stop] Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home.\nDwight: Not so weak, huh, Mom?\nDwight: Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. [runs with stroller] Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can't control the stroller any longer [forcefully pushes stroller away toward uneven ground with junk strewn around, the stroller hits some junk, stays upright, and stops safely]\nDwight: Let's see what this baby can do... [drives car fast, holding stroller alongside the car, stroller remains fine] Aaaah! Aa-aaah! [throws it ahead of the car, it goes for a while and then is stopping] It's a hardy stroller. [takes watermelon out of stroller, holds it up to show camera] Maybe it's safe!"}
{"text": "Receptionist: Pam, line three.\nPam: Okay, thanks.\nPam: New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.\nPam: Hey.\nMichael [on phone]: Paaam-o-laaaaaa...\nPam: Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.\nPam: Hey Michael.\nMichael [on phone]: Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much.\nMichael: Hey.\nHolly: Hello.\nMichael: That was really fun last night.\nHolly: Yeah, it was nice.\nMichael: I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs.\nHolly: Oh, that would be great. You need that.\nMichael: Yeah?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: Oh really?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: Well...\nHolly: It would help.\nMichael: I, uh... [to camera] I let her win.\nHolly: [to camera] No, he didn't.\nMichael: So, when, um, can I see you again?\nHolly: Um, tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? [laughs]\nMichael: No.\nHolly: I don't care, free tonight.\nMichael: Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. [Holly's smile quickly fades] Because I am busy taking you out.\nHolly: [gasps] Oh, I just remembered, I can't tonight.\nMichael: [concerned] Why?\nHolly: I'm going out with you.\nMichael: Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight...\nHolly: [shakes head] No more.\nMichael: Tonight's so...\nHolly: No more.\nMichael: Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day.\nHolly: Thank you, you too.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nMichael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.\nAndy: That's for you. And, um, oh. I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. 'Cause that's what I wrote on your save-the-date.\nDwight: [whispering] You set a date?\nAndy: J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist Money. K-Money.\nPhyllis: [sigh] What are you making?\nDwight: A knife.\nPhyllis: You're making a knife with a knife?\nDwight: You got a better way?\nPhyllis: You want to talk about it?\nDwight: About what?\nPhyllis: You know I know. [looks at the camera guys] You know they know.\nDwight: I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know.\nHolly: Oh, the mall could be fun.\nMichael: Yeah.\nHolly: We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog.\nMichael: Some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. [laughs] Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?\nHolly: ...Hell yeah.\nMichael: Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first.\nHolly: Yeah, that's good.\nMichael: Probably get soup or something light.\nPhyllis: Hi.\nDwight: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.\nPhyllis: It's nice to learn new things.\nDwight: I was talking to myself.\nPhyllis: Okay.\nDwight: I just don't get it.\nPhyllis: What don't you get?\nDwight: Why is she marrying Andy?\nPhyllis: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.\nDwight: That's really fattening.\nPhyllis: No, it's lettuce.\nHolly: [playing cards] It's time to go.\nMichael: No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. [sighs] [goofy voice] I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy.\nHolly: You're crazy, go crazy.\nHolly: [walking out of the building] Oh, I forgot my keys.\nMichael: Do you need 'em?\nHolly: Yeah, lets go grab them.\nMichael: All right.\nHolly: Oh, after vous. [walking into the girls bathroom]\nMichael: Thank vous. [chuckling] What? Oh! [kissing]\nHolly: I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?\nMichael: Not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispering] Now they can't hear us at all.\nHolly: Oh, good.\nMichael: We're totally alone.\nAngela: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.\nOscar: Great, they stole my laptop.\nKevin: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.\nOscar: How does that even compare?\nKevin: Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.\nMichael: Oh, my God, what happened?\nJim: We were robbed last night.\nDwight: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have.\nHolly: Can I talk to you for a second?\nMichael: Yeah. Oh... oh!\nHolly: That wasn't us, right? I mean... you remembered to lock the doors?\nMichael: No, did you?\nHolly: Michael I think this is our fault.\nMichael: Oh, no, my God.\nHolly: Oh...\nMichael: Oh my God!\nMichael: So much for sex without consequences.\nPam [on phone]: [Jim holds up phone] You are such a dork! Shots!\nJim: So apparently Pam went out last night, and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning.\nPam [on phone]: I'm not drunk.\nJim: I'm on minute six of this message.\nPam [on phone]: Okay, I do not sound like that.\nMan on phone: You can take the girl out of Philly...\nPam [on phone]: Scranton.\nJim: The future mother of my children.\nAngela: I never felt safe here.\nAndy: You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind.\nAngela: I would very much like that.\nAndy: Yeah?\nAngela: Yeah.\nAndy: [cockney accent] Consider yourself... at home!\nDwight: [Dwight groans] Ugh.\nDwight: Get in.\nPhyllis: Where are we going?\nDwight: I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.\nPhyllis: Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on.\nDwight: Are you sure that's going to work?\nPhyllis: It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.\nDwight: Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight...\nHolly: How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.\nOscar: I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.\nCreed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? [whispering] Creed Bratton.\nMichael: We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?\nMichael: To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.\nPhyllis: I think it's a fun idea.\nMichael: Thank you.\nPhyllis: We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.\nMichael: Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?\nPhyllis: Move on, Michael.\nMichael: Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days.\nOscar: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?\nMichael: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here-\nJim: Do you need us for any of this?\nMichael: Do I?\nHolly: Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss.\nMichael: Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.\nHolly: He knows how to get things. He got me.\nMichael: Whoa!\nHolly: [giggles] Sorry.\nMichael: Twice. ... Right?\nHolly: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: Mm-hmm.\nHolly: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this. [points below his belt]\nAngela: I think you have me confused with another person.\nDwight: I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!\nAngela: I heard you. [quickly walks away]\nMichael: Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays] Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. [music stops] And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. [clears throat] Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays]\nDarryl: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.\nMichael: Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. [cheers and applause] It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. [auctioneer voice] 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-[speaking gibberish] Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 [speaking gibberish] Sold! For 300 dollars to me! [bangs gavel, which squeaks] What the hell is that?\nPhyllis: It's the only gavel I could find.\nMichael: It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price!\nDarryl: Hey Mike, do my thing.\nMichael: Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-\nDarryl: Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest.\nJim: 5 dollars.\nDarryl: Sold! To Jim.\nMichael: Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says 'Creed.'\nCreed: Yeah, that's all-inclusive.\nDarryl: She thought I was McNabb. [laughing]\nJim: I can see that.\nDarryl: Yeah, well, watcha gonna do?\nJim: Another round, boys? Great. [Jim walks to the bar]\nRoy: Halpert?\nDarryl: What's up, Roy?\nJim: Hey man.\nRoy: I'm not gonna hit you or anything.\nJim: Oh, I wouldn't-[clears throat]\nRoy: You good?\nJim: I'm good. How you doing?\nRoy: I'm good.\nJim: Yeah, okay.\nRoy: Hey Darryl, what's happenin'?\nDarryl: Oh, what's up, Roy?\nRoy: Hey, what's up, guys? How you been?\nKevin: Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes.\nMichael: Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man.\nKevin: Federal and State.\nMichael: Federal and State. [no one bids]\nKevin: Fine. [throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand]\nMichael: Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.\nHank [the security guard]: [playing blues on a guitar] Me and the blues. It's me and the blues. [Dwight looks at his watch, then at Angela, who looks away from Dwight towards Andy]\nMichael: We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. [David Wallace walks in] Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo!\nDavid Wallace: Hey.\nMichael: Hey!\nDavid Wallace: Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey!\nOscar: 100 dollars.\nMichael: 100 dollars, great.\nBob: 125\nGuy in audience: 140\nDwight: Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.\nPhyllis: Oh dear.\nMichael: Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.\nGuy in audience: 160\nMichael: 160\nDwight: I had to get your attention. This is an emergency. [the air is let out of one of Phyllis' tires]\nPhyllis: Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it?\nDwight: Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?\nPhyllis: Now you move on.\nDwight: Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?\nPhyllis: Well Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer.\nDwight: Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan.\nPhyllis: Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.\nDwight: Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. [Phyllis slaps Dwight] And you slap like a girl.\nDwight: What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me. [Dwight has an epiphany]\nRoy: What's going on with Pam?\nJim: Oh, she's good actually.\nRoy: Yeah?\nJim: She's, um, she's in New York. She's at an art school.\nRoy: Really?\nJim: Yeah, she's doing really well.\nRoy: Huh.\nJim: She's engaged, um... to me.\nRoy: [laughs] Congrats, man.\nJim: Oh, thanks man. Appreciate that.\nRoy: So Pam's happy?\nJim: Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM.\nRoy: Wow.\nJim: What?\nRoy: I thought you were a friend.\nJim: [driving] I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should. [sighs]\nBob: When are you getting to Bruce?\nMichael: Uh, just a few more items.\nAll: [chanting] Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!\nMichael: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. [cheering] All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around?\nStanley: Do you want us to look for 'em?\nMichael: No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody.\nPhyllis: I have my hug.\nMichael: Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so.\nBob: I'll bid on a hug.\nMichael: She's your wife, you idiot.\nBob: 100 dollars.\nDavid Wallace: 200\nMichael: Uh, what the hell is happening?\nAndy: 250\nAngela: What are you doing?\nAndy: I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one.\nAngela: Not here.\nBob: 300\nMichael: 300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice.\nDwight: 300 and one penny.\nMichael: 300 and one penny, 300 and one penny.\nBob: 325\nMichael: 325, 325.\nDavid Wallace: 350\nMichael: 350\nDwight: 350 and one penny.\nMichael: 350 and one penny.\nBob: 400\nMichael: 400, 400 hey batter batter.\nDwight: 400 and one penny.\nMichael: 400 and one penny.\nBob: 500\nMichael: 500\nDwight: 500 and one penny.\nMichael: 500 and one penny. One million dollar!\nBob: 700\nMichael: 700\nDwight: 700 and one penny.\nMichael: Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-\nBob: 1,000\nDwight: Eh, it's not worth it.\nMichael: 1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. [applause] Nicely done.\nJim: [driving, sighs, laughs] No. you know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And [laughs] we are not that couple. [turns around]\nMichael: [whispering] Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- [Holly covers Michaels mouth]\nHolly: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true.\nDavid Wallace: [after accidentally seeing Michael and Holly kiss] No, I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.\nPam: What can I do for you, Michael? I'm kinda busy.\nMichael: Oh, I guess that job that I got you is working out for you well, then.\nPam: It is. Thanks again.\nMichael: Hey, if there's anything else I can do, just let me know.\nPam: [long pause] And of course, if there's ever anything I can ever do for you...\nMichael: You know what? I would love a slice of real New York style pizza.\nPam: If I get you a slice of pizza, are we even?\nMichael: Even as pie.\nMichael: [opening a delivery envelope, takes out slice of pizza which appears to have a section off the end] Okay... don't ask me how I got it, let's just say that I have... connections. [folds it in two and takes a bite] Mmm. Mmm. [with a full mouth and an Italian accent] I'm the Godfather. I'm gonna eat this whole pizza. And then I'm gonna kill you. [digs around in envelope, pulls out the rest of the slice] [indistinct] some cheese. You gotta fold it up. That's the way you eat pizza.\nJim: I just don't know if he's presidential enough.\nPam: I know. And how long is CJ gonna spin this whole MS thing? How can Josh and Sam keep quiet?\nPam: Every night, Jim and I watch an episode of The West Wing together on DVD. Um, he wanted to watch Battlestar Galactica and I wanted to watch Cranford... so we compromised. Next we're gonna watch Cranford.\nJim: Cranford? No. We will never watch that.\nMichael: I am going to run three possible date ideas by you and I want you to tell me which one gets your blood percolating.\nJim: Ah, I'm sure they're all great.\nMichael: I have two sure things, one wildcard.\nJim: Let's start with the wildcard.\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: The wildcard is dinner at a nice restaurant.\nJim: Uh-oh.\nMichael: Exactly. Here, here are my sure things. I blindfold her. I take her to the Houdini Museum. She chains me up...\nJim: I think I got a pretty good sense of that one.\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: Yep.\nMichael: All right.\nJim: Let's move on to the next.\nMichael: Number two, we go to the mall...\nJim: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: We go to the bed store, I let her choose whatever bed she wants...\nJim: Oh, that's good.\nMichael: And we have sex on it.\nJim: I like the wild card. I'm already liking the wild card.\nMichael: Really? I don't know. It's a big third date, Jim.\nJim: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: What do I do?\nJim: Have you asked her what she wants to do?\nMichael: Well, I thought as the man that I should make the decision.\nJim: No. You got that backwards.\nMichael: Times have changed, Jim.\nDwight: Our first date was at the Anthracite Coal Museum. We had both been before, but we pretended like it was our first time so we could get all the extra information. They knew we were faking... 'cause they recognized us. But we made them tell us all the stories. All the safety information. And we corrected them whenever they got it wrong. [Phyllis chuckles and nods, Dwight sighs and takes the rest of his sandwich out of the container and holds it up to Phyllis] You want half a sandwich?\nPhyllis: Okay.\nDwight: I'll bring you one tomorrow. You've earned it. [bites into the sandwich half, chews] Mmm. I hope you like fox meat."}
{"text": "Kelly: [dressed as Carrie Bradshaw] Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween.\nPhyllis: [dressed as Raggedy Ann] Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?\nKelly: Oh, I'm Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City.\nPhyllis: Mm. I like your shoes. [Kelly has 5-inch heels on]\nKelly: Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?\nPhyllis: Sure.\nRyan: I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing.\nKelly: Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King?\nRyan: Gordon Gekko.\nKelly: Oh, from the insurance commercials!\nRyan: ... Yeah.\nOscar: [Creed dressed as the Joker enters] Whoa. Awesome.\nCreed: Let's put a smile on that face!\nKevin: [also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!\nAndy: [dressed as a kitten] Meow. Sweet 'stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be?\nJim: Dave.\nAndy: Cool.\nJim: You are? [Andy hisses] A cat?\nAndy: [buzzer noise] We were looking for 'kitten.'\nJim: [phone] Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey New York, Happy Halloween!\nPam: Thanks. My costume's getting a lot of attention. [Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin]\nPam: So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat, because then I'm Hitler.\nDwight: [dressed as the Joker] Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp- oh! [elevator doors close, reopen.] Disappear.\nMichael: Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets.\nHolly: Oh, look at all this stuff! It's only seven hours.\nMichael: When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire.\nHolly: Michael is taking a personal day to move me up.\nMichael: Road trip! Right?\nHolly: Breaker one-nine, copy?\nMichael: Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.\nDarryl: Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio.\nMichael: We're not.\nHolly: Kidding.\nMichael: We're not doing anything.\nHolly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said 'Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?' And he said 'I asked you first.' And I said 'First!' at the same time he did. And then I said 'Jinx.' And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...\nMichael: All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge.\nJim: Oh, I'll walk you out.\nMichael: Ah, you are quite the gentleman.\nMichael: You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want.\nJim: All right. We'll see. [to camera] No.\nJim: I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.\nDwight: Good morning temp.\nRyan: Morning. [Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt] Wow. Good morning Dwight.\nDwight: Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?\nAndy: Ha ha ha. That's funny. [angrily] Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy.\nDwight: Andy.\nAndy: Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But, you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them.\nDwight: No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!\nAndy: Come on, you think you can get into Cornell?\nDwight: Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.\nPhyllis: I'm sitting right here Dwight.\nDwight: I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.\nDwight: Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. [He sips from his Cornell mug]\nHolly: I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!\nMichael: Cool!\nDarryl: Mike you'll drive this every weekend?\nMichael: We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.\nMichael and Holly: Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long.\nMichael, Holly, and Darryl: If you're going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you're going my way...\nDwight: Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.\nAndy: Well he's had a pretty good season so far- Stop saying 'we.' You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you're just doing this to screw with me.\nDwight: Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.\nAndy: I know it's an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red.\nDwight: Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.\nPam: Hey!\nTom: Hey, future baby sis!\nPam: How are you Tom. Nice to see you.\nTom: I'm good.\nPam: I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they're into the idea. They're probably thinking, 'That Pam Beasly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best! The absolute best.'\nPam: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn't in my pocket anymore, and I lost it.\nPete: That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?\nTom: Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money!\nPete: That, is awesome!\nTom: Like she basically has a hobby, for a job.\nPete: Oh yeah.\nPam: So, not the ring then? The- the- Not doing the ring?\nPete: I think this is better.\nTom: The other thing would 'get' Jim.\nPete: This is nicer, it's fun. It's fun!\nPam: Okay, okay.\nTom: Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends.\nPam: Oookay...\nPam: They came up with that idea really fast.\nDarryl: This trip was longer than I thought.\nHolly: Yeah it did look shorter on the map-\nMichael: Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! [waking up] Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.\nHolly: You were sleeping? You were talking before.\nMichael: Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?\nDarryl: Not really.\nMichael: All right. What's the scoop, how far?\nDarryl: Four hours. Almost halfway there.\nHolly: We're only halfway?\nMichael: Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast.\nDarryl: Next exit isn't for five miles.\nHolly: Let's check there.\nPam: Hey guys.\nJim: Hey, how are you?\nPam: Hi! [smooches]\nJim: Good to see you.\nPete: Nice to see you again, Pam.\nTom: Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long!\nJim: All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable.\nDarryl: There's nothing out here man.\nMichael: Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon.\nMichael: Here we go, fourth time's a charm. 'Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there... [Holly sobs] Hey. Are you crying?\nHolly: No.\nMichael: Allergies?\nHolly: No.\nMichael: Did Darryl touch you?\nDarryl: WHAT!?\nHolly: No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? [crying]\nMichael: What's the matter?\nHolly: It's not gonna work.\nMichael: Sure it is.\nHolly: There's too much distance.\nMichael: Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine.\nHolly: Michael we've only been dating each other for a few weeks\nMichael: Listen to me. I like you so much.\nHolly: And I like you too.\nMichael: And I've dated four women in the last-\nHolly: I've dated four guys last year too.\nMichael: Not last - no. In like the last ten years.\nHolly: Oh.\nMichael: I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.\nHolly: Michael. Don't. Don't. Don't make it harder than it has to be.\nMichael: That's what she said.\nMichael: Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.\nAndy: Take that down. [Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling]\nDwight: Excuse me?\nAndy: Take. That down.\nMeredith: You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.\nAndy: I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.\nCreed: It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military.\nAndy: It's pronounced 'Corn-ell!' It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!\nDwight: Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.\nAndy: Fine.\nDwight: What do you say?\nAndy: Yeah, good. Can we- [Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head] Grr. Heh heh heh. That's Big Red Bear! That's a bobble Big Red Bear! God!!\nHolly: If you leave on Friday, by five, you'll be rolling in at... midnight? At best?\nMichael: Yeah.\nHolly: And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again.\nMichael: Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way.\nHolly: Oh.\nMichael: I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road.\nHolly: Well-\nMichael: Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?\nHolly: How long could we keep that up?\nMichael: Years!\nHolly: Years?\nMichael: Yeah.\nHolly: Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?\nMichael: Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.\nHolly: [kisses his temple] Thank you.\nMichael: My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy.\nDarryl: Clever, Mike.\nTom: So Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school?\nPete: Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?\nJim: That's not really true. There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually.\nTom: Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin.\nJim: Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal?\nPete: Hey, just having fun Jimmy.\nTom: Yeah. Right Pam?\nPam: Yup! [Tom and Pete give Halpertian looks to camera]\nMichael: You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?\nHolly: I do, I think so.\nMichael: Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. [they continue arguing]\nDarryl: [leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable] Hey what's up, I just thought I'd try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit.\nMichael: I don't know what I'm gonna do!\nDarryl: Please call me back.\nMichael: Please?\nHolly: You'll be okay\nMichael: I'm not gonna be okay.\nDarryl: Please...\nHolly: You will.\nMichael: No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!\nAndy: [outside men's room] You might be interested- [stops when he sees Stanley come out]\nStanley: What?\nAndy: Dwight!\nDwight: Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?\nAndy: Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview.\nDwight: That's a conflict of interest.\nAndy: Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won't let you in?\nDwight: [thinks] Interview.\nAndy: Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer.\nDwight: What?\nAndy: The conference room!\nDwight: Okay.\nAndy: Who are your role models?\nAndy: If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.\nAndy: So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You're doing great.\nJim: Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. She's a trumpeter. And, look at her.\nPam: Cute.\nJim: That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?\nTom: Yup. She only knows how to play 'When the Saints go Marching In.'\nJim: Love that one.\nPete: Yeah but, she doesn't think she's gonna be like, career musician right?\nJim: Here you go again! What is your deal today?\nPete: Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?\nPam: Miles Davis.\nJim: One.\nPam: Chet ...something.\nJim: Half.\nPete: The point is Pam, is there are jobs-\nPam: Dizzy Gillespie.\nJim: Also good.\nPete: And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don't see me try to get on the Mets.\nTom: You don't!\nJim: Pete couldn't make the Mets. She's at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?\nPete: I'm just calling it like I see it.\nPam: I don't know if I'm gonna make any money with art.\nJim: Pam, don't worry about it.\nPam: I mean it's a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don't try now, I never will. So...\nJim: Guys, what is going on?! [Pete and Tom burst out in laughter]\nTom: We pranked you!\nPete: It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind.\nPam: ... Got you.\nPete: That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.\nAndy: Let's see how well you know your Big Red history.\nDwight: Bring it.\nAndy: Who was Cornell's eighth president?\nDwight: Dale Raymond Corson!\nAndy: Mm, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. [writes in a notebook] Comprehension skills, sub-par.\nDwight: Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. [writes in a notebook]\nAndy: What are you writing? Can't even give Cornell your full attention?\nDwight: On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers.\nAndy: Nobody wants ...that, to happen.\nDwight: Well, when they get my evaluation we'll see if they're interested.\nAndy: Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character.'\nDwight: Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process.'\nAndy: Applicant is wasting everyone's time with stupid and inane accusations.'\nDwight: Interviewer has suspect motives.'\nAndy: Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid.'\nDwight: Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth.' Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need.\nAndy: I have everything I need- [talking over each other]\nDwight: And you will be hearing from the -\nAndy: And you will be hearing from -\nDwight: -Cornell Application Department,\nAndy: which I will not be a part of-\nDwight: And you will not be pleased with the result. [pulls table away from Andy]\nAndy: And YOU will not be pleased with the result!\nDwight: And your affiliation with Cornell -\nAndy: And your affiliation with Cornell -\nDwight: Will end completely!\nAndy: Will end completely!\nDwight: [has won the table war] That is all sir, you may go.\nDarryl: [Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other] There's another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp.\nPam: For the record, I wanted go another direction. Which was way better.\nJim: Well, I'll be the judge of that. What do you got?\nPam: Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it's very subtle.\nJim: That is good.\nPam: Thank you.\nJim: Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. [laughs] Oh, text message from my brother. 'Pam cool. Welcome to the family.'\nPam: Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?\nDarryl: This is the last of it.\nMichael: Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck.\nDarryl: You're not staying?\nMichael: You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you.\nDarryl: But you want me to put it back in the truck.\nMichael: I'll be down in just a second. [into house] Holly?\nMichael: So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl [Holly hugs Michael] Okay. [they kiss goodbye.] Goodbye.\nHolly: Okay. Bye.\nDarryl: I know it's hard Mike. Break-ups hurt.\nMichael: We didn't break up.\nDarryl: Looked like it. Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues.\nMichael: Okay.\nDarryl: [bluesy] Da na na na na... da na na na na...\nMichael: That's a really pretty song.\nDarryl: Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na... want to do that?\nMichael: Okay.\nDarryl: That's when you hit me with what's getting you down, okay?\nMichael: Okay.\nDarryl: Da na na na na.\nMichael: Da na na na na.\nDarryl: Da na na na na.\nMichael: Da na na na na.\nDarryl: No, wait. You're, you're supposed to... Never mind. Da na na na na.\nMichael: Da na na na na.\nDarryl: Da na na na na.\nMichael: Da na na na na.\nDarryl: Da na na na na!!\nMichael: Da na na na na!!\nDarryl: Da na na na na .\nMichael: [deeper] Da na na na na.\nDarryl: Yeah! Da na na na na.\nMichael: [deeper] Da na na na na.\nDarryl: YEAH! Da na na na na.\nMichael: [blues singer] Da na na na na...\nAndy: [Whistling, enters office in farmer overalls] I thought I'd come in casual today. Man, I'm hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?\nDwight: Where did you get those?\nAndy: What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state.\nDwight: I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.\nAndy: Well you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. [attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard] You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?\nDwight: [scoffs] Cornell. [easily bites into a beet]\nOscar: We'll miss you.\nHolly: Well, I'll be around.\nOscar: [chuckling] Isn't it a seven-hour drive?\nHolly: It's not that bad. But if I'm really jonesing to see you guys, I can always fly.\nOscar: I don't know if it'll be shorter to fly. [Holly gasps] You have to drive to Boston, right? That's an hour and a half. Get there an hour before the flight. Now you're up two and a half hours. The flight to Philadelphia is an hour fifteen. It's another two and a half hour drive to Scranton, assuming there's no traffic, because...\nHolly: [interrupting Oscar] Well, I just want to say goodbye. [hugs Oscar]\nOscar: Okay.\nHolly: Okay.\nOscar: Bye.\nKevin: Well, Hol, this is it.\nHolly: Yeah, okay. [extends hand to Kevin]\nKevin: [outstretches arms for a hug, Holly reluctantly complies]\nKevin: [whispers in Holly's ear, Holly reacts with horrified look]\nHolly: [pushing Kevin away] Um, yeah, that's not gonna happen.\nKevin: Yeah, but you have to admit it would be wild.\nKelly: So, you're dumping Michael? Smart.\nHolly: No, we're gonna do the long-distance thing.\nKelly: Oh! You guys are gonna keep dating? That's so romantic!\nHolly: Yeah, thanks.\nPhyllis: I almost quit my job so I could be closer to Bob, and we're in the same building.\nHolly: Oh, well...look, we could always call, or email, or write. I should get all your email addresses.\nAngela: Yes, we'll email you, and then you'll have our addresses.\nHolly: [talking head] It's a little sad. Michael and I just started dating. He wants me to stay and get a job around here as a baker. Or a baker's helper.\nMichael: [talking head] This is gonna be awesome. This is gonna be awesome. I've decided that on my drives to Nashua, I am going to learn French, the language of love. And on my drives back, I am going to learn Spanish; what the cleaning crew speaks.\nDarryl: [talking head] I'm driving them up for five times what I would've made at work. I thought I made a good deal. [expression changes from smiling to downcast] Then I realized I'm gonna be trapped in a truck with Mike all day.\nMichael: [playing cat's cradle with Holly] Okay, am I grabbing this one?\nHolly: [chuckling] No, that's not what you're grabbing.\nMichael: [laughs]\nHolly: Put...okay...\nDarryl: [driving truck] Hey, y'all are not gonna be playing these little private games all the way.\nHolly: Sorry, Darryl.\nDarryl: It's like Driving Miss Daisy, you know?\nHolly: All right.\nDarryl: You gotta include me in the conversation.\nMichael: Fair enough.\nDarryl: If you don't mind.\nMichael: Okay, okay. What kind of car games did you play in the 'hood?\nDarryl: I got a game. Cow surfing.\nMichael: Cow surfing?\nDarryl: Spot a cow, last person to say 'Jackson Five' has to get on its back and ride it.\nMichael: Really?\nHolly: Were there even cows where you grew up?\nDarryl: Everybody got a government cow.\nMichael: Cow surfing. [spots a cow out the window] Okay, here we go, there's a cow.\nHolly & Darryl: [in unison] Jackson Five!\nMichael: Oh, shoot! Okay. All right. All right. [throws up hands] Pull it over. Here we go.\nDarryl: Here we go. Go get him, Mike!\nMichael: [reaching to open door] I'm gonna do it.\nHolly: [grabs Michael's arm] No, Michael. It's not a real game.\nDarryl: Then why did you say 'Jackson Five?'\nMichael: The man has a point.\nHolly: Darryl...\nDarryl: All right, I made it up.\nMichael: [visibly shocked] What? Why?\nDarryl: Because I wanted you to like me.\nMichael: [gasps] I do! Hey, come on!\nDarryl: [trying not to laugh] Okay.\nMichael: Jackson Five.\nHolly & Michael: [both laugh hysterically at portable DVD player on dashboard while Darryl drives, looking miserable]\nDarryl: [makes sudden sharp turn to the left, causing DVD player to fall out open window, then grins to camera]\nMichael: [rubbing noses with Holly] You're the one.\nHolly: No, you.\nMichael: You are.\nHolly: You are.\nMichael: No, you are.\nHolly: You are more.\nDarryl: [rubs face in exasperation]\nMichael: You're the best.\nHolly: You're better.\nMichael: You're better. You're better than my best.\nHolly: You're better than betterest.\nHolly: [plants kisses all over Michael's face]\nMichael: Here we go.\nHolly: Hold your breath!\nMichael: Okay, Ready?\nDarryl: [setting stopwatch] Go.\nMichael & Holly: [both inhale deeply and lock lips while holding their breath]\nDarryl: [looks to camera for several seconds] At least it's quiet.\nMichael: Watch this. Darryl, watch this.\nHolly: Look, Darryl, lip up.\nMichael & Holly: [kiss each other while puffing their cheeks and mumbling]\nHolly: Down, and give me 50!\nMichael & Holly: [in unison while kissing with mouths closed] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!\nDarryl: Hey, you know what would be fun? Like, sleeping.\nMichael: Yeah\nDarryl: You know.\nHolly: [hugging Michael] Oh, snuggles!\nMichael: Yeah. Right, snuggle time.\nHolly: Snuggles.\nDarryl: There you go.\nMichael: [makes squeaking sounds]\nHolly: Spooning.\nMichael: Here's what I was thinking. The following weekend, I drive up.\nHolly: Mmm hmm.\nMichael: We get right in the car, we pop up to Montreal. It's like another seven hours.\nHolly: Ooh!\nMichael: Speak.\nHolly: We could stay in a cozy B&B with a fireplace?\nMichael: Absolutely. Oh, and you know what, Darryl? You are invited to go as well.\nDarryl: Oh, thanks. Thanks. No.\nMichael: Come on, it'll be fun.\nDarryl: Thank you. Thank you. No.\nMichael: [emerging from convenience store with two ice cream sundaes] Hey, look at that. Fun, right?\nHolly: Mmm.\nMichael: Mmm mmm! Remember the 15-scooper we had last week? Wasn't that good? I was Scooperman, you were Scoopy-Doo. Remember what you said? You were laughing.\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: Say what you said.\nHolly: No, Michael. I don't...[mimicking Scooby-Doo] I'm gonna puke!\nMichael: [laughs] I'll save you! I'm Superman! Scooperman!\nHolly: Darryl didn't want any?\nMichael: I didn't ask.\nMichael: We want the same things.\nHolly: I know, but from seven hours away.\nMichael: That is a lucky number. Seven. 7-Up. Seven dwarfs.\nHolly: Michael...\nMichael: Seven deadly sins. It's a sign.\nDarryl: Hey, y'all wanna hear some loud music or something?\nHolly: I'm an atheist. Did you know that? I don't know your religion. There are so many conversations that we haven't even had yet.\nDarryl: Hey, look, Pennsylvania license plate! That's crazy! All the way out here! Who can name all the states?\nMichael: [standing with Holly next to 'Welcome to New Hampshire' sign] Oh, it's really cold here.\nHolly: Oh, it's just later.\nMichael: Yeah.\nDarryl: [holding camera] Here we go.\nMichael: [starts to cry] Can we have another? I think I blinked.\nHolly: [unlocking front door] This is me here.\nMichael: Oh, you have your own entrance. That's nice.\nDarryl: Stairs. Oh, man...\nAngela: He's just trying to push your buttons.\nAndy: I don't care, so it doesn't matter.\nAngela: Great, then it doesn't matter.\nAndy: You don't think he could get in, though...right? I mean, I don't care, but I just don't see how he could. I doubt he could get in.\nAngela: [reverently] He is fiercely intelligent.\nAndy: I don't care either way, so...shut up.\nAngela: He's just...\nAndy: [in parking lot on cell phone] Don't tell me to calm down, Dad! [grunts] Don't do that! Oh, God, of all people, I thought you would understand. You're an alum. This guy, he's...he's poking the bear! [listens briefly] Yeah, okay, I'll see you at Thanksgiving. Hi to Mom. Bye.\nAngela: Why are you doing this to Andy?\nDwight: You once told me that Andy and I had different strengths. Well, he can't do what I can do. I can get into Cornell, but he doesn't know how to make food and shelter from a golden retriever.\nAngela: [looks at Dwight disgustedly and sighs] Even if you do somehow get in, that's not going to make me leave Andy.\nDwight: No, but it'll make you respect him less.\nAngela: [sighs] Yes, that's true."}
{"text": "Michael: Hey, sport.\nDwight: I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? [punches Michael's shoulder]\nMichael: Ow! God!\nDwight: Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love!\nDarryl: I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay.\nAndy: Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly.\nMichael: No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.\nJim: Yeah, we'd never do that.\nMichael: Yeah, so there you go.\nKelly: [enters Michael's office] Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress.\nMichael: Oh, wow, so quickly.\nKelly: Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white.\nKevin: Michael, did you tell your mom yet?\nMichael: Nope. Nope. Not yet.\nJim: You wouldn't tell your mom?\nKevin: You love your mom.\nKelly: Call your mom, Michael. [everyone talking]\nMichael: I'll call her later.\nGroup: [chanting and clapping] Call her! Call her!\nMichael: I don't want to do that. [chanting continues] All right. [picks up phone and dials] She is going to freak out!\nAndy: [punches button] Speakerphone!\nMichael: That's - thanks.\nMother: [on speakerphone] Hello?\nMichael: Mom, I'm getting married.\nMother: No, you're not.\nMichael: Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me.\nMother: Well, are you getting married?\nMichael: No. [laughs]\nMother: Are you- [Michael ends call]\nMichael: I'm not, I'm not getting married. So... [laughs] Psych.\nKelly: So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100.\nMichael: And I'm out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?\nKelly: Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and - oh. Oh, it's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What's that doing there? [hands stack of papers to Michael]\nMichael: I'll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks.\nMichael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. 'Schindler's List' parody. ... That's not appropriate, no.\nJim: Those reports affect our bonuses, which is kind of great for me, because you wouldn't know it from looking at her, but Pam's a gold-digger.\nPam: [on Bluetooth speaker] Hey, New York ain't free. Get back to work.\nJim: Aww.\nPam: It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim, too. Jim, say something.\nJim: [on Bluetooth] Testing, testing. Hello, everybody.\nPam: We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we're not telling anyone.\nAlex: Uh, Pam. What do you want on your coffee?\nJim and Pam: Sprinkle of cinnamon.\nPam: I should go.\nMichael: Alrighty, Dwighty, let's see how you did.\nDwight: Bring it on. [starts to put foot up on Michael's desk]\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Sorry.\nMichael: Wow.\nDwight: What does it say?\nMichael: Dwight, your feedback is horrible.\nDwight: That's impossible.\nMichael: A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.\nDwight: I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file]\nMichael: No, no, no, no, no.\nDwight: Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.\nMichael: Do I look like I am joking?\nDwight: No, but that's sometimes part of it.\nMichael: If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?\nDwight: Impossible to say. I can't see myself.\nMichael: You're not.\nAndy: Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet?\nJim: Nope.\nAndy: I got mine. They were really good.\nPam: [listening in New York] I miss him.\nJim: You must be really proud.\nAndy: Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That's my mug.\nJim: Oh, sorry. It was just - it was right here.\nAndy: Right, well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.\nJim: OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that's in here and you could use [finds a mug] uh, oh - Snoopy.\nPam: Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine.\nAndy: [smiles] It is a great mug. But it's not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.\nJim: How can you even be sure?\nAndy: It has my face on it.\nJim: [holds mug next to Andy's head] Make the face. [Andy smiles] Yeah, I don't see it.\nAndy: Dude, that is my face!\nPam: [Dwight slams something on desk] What was that?\nJim: Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something.\nPam: Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?\nJim: It is... more of a spicy brown, actually.\nDwight: What are you mumbling about?\nJim: How was your meeting with Michael?\nDwight: None of your business.\nJim: Was it your scores?\nDwight: Those can't be my scores, Jim. For your information -\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: I'm being sabotaged.\nJim: Of course.\nDwight: And I'm going to find that person and punish them.\nJim: Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers.\nDwight: You're an idiot.\nJim: There's the charm.\nMichael: Jimbo, let's do this thang.\nJim: That is me. Wish me luck.\nDwight: No way.\nPam: [whispers on bluetooth] Good luck.\nJim: Thanks.\nDwight: I didn't say anything\nPam: I love you.\nJim: I love you, too.\nDwight: What do you think I am saying to you?!\nJim: I'm not talking to you.\nDwight: I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.\nAndy: [on phone] Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. It's really gorgeous. You guys do great work.\nAndy: I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings. And I got him. [shakes fist] I got him!\nAndy: [on phone] Would you be able to do the same design, but with walls of gray? And a top that's gray too? Fabulous.\nMichael: Oh, come on.\nJim: What?\nMichael: You too?\nJim: Did my scores drop a little?\nMichael: Jim, they are a poopy. [Jim coughs, presses button to end call on Bluetooth]\nPam: [touches ear] Jim? Jim?\nJim: Are we even sure that's my file?\nMichael: No. [glances at it] Yes, I am sure, Jim. It -\nJim: Well, there's got to be an explanation.\nMichael: I agree.\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: So let's see what we can find out from reading. [reads] Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.\nJim: I think you mean smug\nMichael: [points at Jim] Arrogance.\nJim: Michael, I'm just trying to -\nMichael: And there's our smudgeness.\nJim: I need a decent bonus, because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house so that they can retire. And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford. Pam doesn't know about the house, so it's... a fun surprise. [taps Bluetooth earpiece] Pam, sorry about that. I lost you for a second. So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.\nPam: Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.\nJim: A little bit. ... Worth it.\nMichael: Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?\nJim: Microgement.\nMichael: Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go.\nDwight: All right, fine. [picks up phone] Brrring.\nJim: [picks up phone] Hello?\nDwight: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.\nJim: Wow, that's great, because I need paper.\nDwight: Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything.\nJim: Wow, this is my lucky day.\nMichael: [whispers] Ask him his name.\nDwight: What is your name, sir?\nJim: I am Bill Buttlicker.\nDwight: Really, that's your real name?\nJim: How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.\nMichael: Be respectful, Dwight.\nDwight: Yes, Michael.\nJim: Would you hold on one second? That's my other line.\nDwight: What? No, but I -\nJim: Hello? [laughs] No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Yeah, OK. [punches button on phone]\nMichael: It's up to you to change his mind.\nJim: Sorry. That was a family emergency.\nDwight: Oh, no. What's wrong?\nJim: You know what? That's private.\nMichael: Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!\nDwight: Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we're having a limited-\nJim: Sorry, you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I'm hard of hearing.\nMichael: He's hard of - he's an old man. Let's go.\nDwight: OK, as I was saying, right now we are having -\nJim: You're gonna have to talk louder.\nDwight: OK, our prices have never been lower.\nJim: Son, you have to talk louder.\nDwight: ...never been lower!\nJim: Louder, son!\nDwight: [shouting] Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!\nMichael: Stop it! Stop it!\nDwight: He -\nMichael: That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client.\nJim: Now, you listen to me, sir.\nMichael: Here we go.\nJim: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.\nMichael: Give me the phone.\nDwight: Please, Mr. Buttlicker -\nJim: I'm irate right now.\nMichael: Give me the phone.\nDwight: Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker.\nMichael: Give me the phone. Give me the phone.\nDwight: I have to put you on with my boss.\nJim: Well, I should hope so. [Michael takes phone] Who is this?\nMichael: Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.\nJim: Well, this is William M. Buttlicker.\nMichael: Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?\nJim: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.\nDwight: [shakes fist, whispers] Yeah!\nMichael: [covers phone, whispers to Dwight] See how it's done? [into phone] Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. [to Dwight] See what I did?\nDwight: You are the master.\nJim: There is one condition, Michael.\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.\nDwight: Don't do it, Michael.\nMichael: ... [whispers] It's a million-dollar sale.\nAndy: So it's called the Shangri-La Tent. It's two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It's just really simple, really tasteful.\nAngela: I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo\nAndy: Hobos live in trains.\nAngela: Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long.\nAndy: Well, Nana Mim - Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it's in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now.\nAngela: OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field\nAndy: Done and done-er.\nAngela: There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over.\nAndy: Do you have a specific place in mind?\nAngela: No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable.\nAndy: On it!\nJim: Dwight. Dwight. [Dwight's car comes screeching into view]\nDwight: Get in!\nJim: Are you serious?\nDwight: Get in! [he peels off into parking space]\nJim: OK, what are you -\nDwight: Shh. [turns radio up loud, playing 'Centerfold.'] They might be listening to us.\nJim: What's that?\nDwight: They might be listening to us\nJim: Who's they?\nDwight : Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.\nJim: In this car?\nDwight: You never know. Better safe than sorry.\nJim: [turns radio down] What are you thinking?\nDwight: Who stands to benefit from our downfall?\nJim: The mob, maybe NASA.\nDwight: Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that.\nJim: Is there some evidence?\nPam: [on Bluetooth] Ooh, cute shoes online.\nJim: How many shoes do you need?\nDwight: I don't know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?\nJim: I'm not talking to you.\nDwight: Who are you talking to?\nJim: Pam.\nDwight: She's not here, Jim.\nJim: No, she's not.\nPam: [in New York, humming to herself to the tune of 'Centerfold'] Na na na na na. Na na na na na na na.\nAndy: [at computer, spins chair around and makes triumphant gesture] Yes!\nAndy: I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah. We work together. It's Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms.\nCustomer: [on phone] So I'd like to redouble my order, if you could put me down for, um -\nDwight: Wait, shut up.\nCustomer: I'm sorry?\nDwight: Shh. Do you hear that?\nCustomer: Hear what?\nDwight: Breathing. Is that you?\nCustomer: Well, I am breathing, yes.\nDwight: Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on. [puts down phone and runs away]\nCustomer: I need paper.\nDwight: [jumps into Kelly's area] Ha! [Kelly screams in surprise]\nKelly: Oh, my God. You scared me.\nDwight: Hear anything interesting?\nKelly: What are you talking about?\nDwight: [laughs] I think you know.\nKelly: You always say that, and I almost never know.\nDwight: What are you up to, girl? Huh? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?\nKelly: Are you accusing me of something?\nDwight: Of course I am. I know you're the mastermind, but you're too stupid to do it by yourself.\nJim: [behind Dwight]: OK.\nDwight: [surprised] Ah!\nJim: Easy.\nDwight: OK.\nJim: Let's just - Let's head back to the desk.\nKelly: You just can't come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, then people wouldn't give you such bad customer reviews.\nDwight: The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn't! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you're involved.\nKelly: Dwight, get out of my nook!\nPam: [in New York] That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!\nJim: Good one.\nJim: [enters breakroom] Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way.\nKelly: Yeah, he's weird.\nJim: Well, we all handle it differently. I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but...\nKelly: OK.\nJim: Hey, how are you and Darryl?\nKelly: Um, we're cool. [gets up to leave] Bye.\nJim: Bye.\nPam: [on Bluetooth] That was weird.\nJim: What was?\nPam: Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?\nJim: No, actually.\nPam: Did you do something to her?\nJim: I don't think so.\nPam: Well, something's off.\nJim: Hey, how's things?\nRyan: All right.\nJim: Yeah?\nRyan: Living in the moment.\nJim: Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me?\nRyan: I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. [takes sip of coffee] Can I tell you what else I learned?\nJim: Wait, that's pretty weird.\nRyan: What?\nJim: Well, Andy has a mug just like that.\nRyan: Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one.\nJim: No. What party?\nRyan: Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. [Jim makes face] That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there.\nJim: I wasn't. But thank you. [to Pam] Do you know anything about this party?\nPam: Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead.\nJim: Well, I can't be the only one who didn't - [sees mugs on Angela's and Meredith's desks]\nJim: [walks quickly to break room, opens cabinet and finds mugs of Oscar, Creed and Phyllis]\nJim: Dwight, let me see your coffee cup.\nDwight: No. [holds Sheriff's Department mug protectively]\nJim: Is that it?\nDwight: No. Why? No. [puts it in desk drawer and slams it shut]\nJim: OK, I'm gonna assume that was it. Here's the thing: I think you're right. I think it was Kelly. I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party.\nDwight: Oh, man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?\nJim: Probably just Kelly.\nDwight: Obviously. I knew it.\nJim: That's what I'm saying.\nDwight: Yeah. What?\nJim: You were right.\nDwight: I was - I was right.\nJim: You were right.\nDwight: I was right.\nJim: You knew it.\nDwight: I knew it.\nJim: You knew it the whole time, buddy.\nDwight: I knew it the whole time, buddy! [shoves Jim]\nJim: Wow.\nDwight: Yeah! Woo-hoo!\nPam: [in New York] Right Dwight is loud.\nDwight: I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! [kicks near Phyllis' head; she ducks] Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her.\nJim: No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let's talk about this.\nKelly: What's going on?\nMichael: Why don't you tell us?\nKelly: Nothing's going on.\nDwight: Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.\nMichael: Dwight. [to Kelly] I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.\nKelly: What? I - I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first I'm hearing about this.\nDwight: Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake.\nJim: We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks.\nMichael: What's going on?\nKelly: I love your tie, Michael.\nMichael: [looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it] Kelly.\nKelly: I was raped.\nMichael: You cannot say 'I was raped' and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.\nKelly: OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.\nDwight: We have our confession. I'm calling security. [reaches for phone]\nMichael: Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.\nKelly: See? I wasn't lying.\nMichael: You were lying.\nKelly: I was lying.\nMichael: Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.\nDwight: I want to be here when you fire her ass.\nMichael: I will call you when it is time. [Jim and Dwight leave]\nMichael: I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?\nKelly: No problem.\nMichael: I think you should do that. [Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh]\nAlex: Pam Beesley?\nPam: Hey, what are you doing here?\nJim: Who's that?\nPam: It's Alex.\nAlex: It's Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go.\nJim: Oh, that's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close?\nPam: Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work.\nAlex: Uh, well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?\nPam: OK.\nJim: That's it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.\nAlex: [in private office] Um.\nPam: What's up?\nAlex: I'm gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton.\nPam: Wow.\nJim: I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.\nAlex: Why did you come to New York in the first place?\nPam: Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.\nAlex: Right. And that's why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you - really you just got here, you know? You can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has - all the opportunity is here. All the - the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.\nPam: Jim's in Scranton.\nAlex: I know. But all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway ... I will see you tomorrow.\nPam: I'll see you tomorrow.\nAlex: OK. [Pam and Jim look worried]\nDwight: Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth? [reaches toward Jim's ear] May I?\nJim: Don't.\nDwight: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.\nAndy: We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.\nDwight: Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials? [opens album]\nAndy: Oh. Hmm.\nDwight: [looking at Angela] While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. [Angela smiles] I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. [Andy moves his head into Dwight's view] Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night.\nAndy: That's very generous.\nDwight: While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.\nAndy: Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! [shakes Dwight's hand]\nDwight: OK.\nAndy: Um, what are we talking price wise?\nDwight: You already said deal.\nAngela: Pay him whatever he wants.\nAndy: Can't argue with that. Dwight ... [takes Angela's hand] You are going to make us so happy. [Dwight and Angela grin at each other]\nMeredith: Come on, how did you propose? Spill it. Were you wasted?\nMichael: How did I propose, let me see... well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a shooting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a shooting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger.\nKevin & Andy: Ooooh.\nMichael: And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich.\nJim: Perfect.\nMichael: The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one shot. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming 'Opa!' Which means 'congratulations,' so...\nAndy: Oh, man!\nPam: [in Jim's ear] Ask how he's doing since the breakup.\nJim: So, how you holdin' up?\nMichael: I'm pretty much devastated.\nPam: Ask if there's anything you can do.\nJim: You know what you should do? Take a vacation.\nMichael: Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don't want to go by myself.\nPam: Tell him you'd like to go with him.\nJim: We should take a look at those surveys.\nMichael: Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of...carrots. And, so he's like 'What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important.'\nMichael: Great marks, Phyllis. [Phyllis walks out of Michael's office smiling]\nPhyllis: [to Stanley] Hey, I did good too!\nStanley: I knew it. Haha! [they high five]\nAndy: [hand up, seeking a high five] Up! Don't leave me hangin'! [they do]\nDwight: What do I do with my bonus check? [scoffs] Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year's bonus even bigger. Eventually, I'll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I'll use the paper to write my memoirs.\nMichael: I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.\nMichael: Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert... Dwight Schrute...\nDwight: [raises hand] Here.\nMichael: Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all.\nAndy: I am no longer the worst salesman in the office. Yes! [Andy gestures excitedly, knocking over his coffee mug] Ow! Dammit!\nJim: Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I'm just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It's just... different styles.\nDwight: My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? [sighs heavily, nearly starts to cry] Excuse me, I've got work to do.\nStanley: [laughs heartily and passes a newspaper to Phyllis]\nPhyllis: [laughing] It's good!\nDwight: Hey, what are you laughing at?\nStanley & Phyllis: [continue to laugh]\nDwight: Are you laughing at me?\nPhyllis: We're laughing at this cartoon! [passes newspaper to Dwight]\nStanley: Perfect, isn't it?\nDwight: [looks at cartoon] How is that funny? What are you really laughing at? Huh?\nPhyllis: Haven't you been following the news? Ther university is using its non-profit status to fund its private real estate investments.\nStanley: [laughing louder] And he really nailed them on it. Somebody's finally holding them accountable!\nDwight: [looking at cartoon] There's no way you're laughing at this.\nJim: [peering nervously through conference room window] Oh, I don't have anything to say. I'm just hiding from Dwight.\nDwight: [is seen taking apart his phone receiver to check for listening devices]\nDwight: It's good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would have seen all three gunmen. I would have pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, BOOM! Grassy knoll, BOOM! Fake Jackie, BOOM! [pretends to kiss, then shoot imaginary person to his left] Then I shoot myself, so I don't change history and create a paradox. BOOM! But right at the last minute, [contorts head sideways] I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year.\nJim: So, as it turns out, Dwight is right. How bizarre.\nPam: [in Jim's ear] I wonder what else Dwight's been right about...\nDwight: Major pharmaceuticals do not want you to know that beet juice has medicinal value both as an aphrodisiac and a laxative.\nDwight: The Scranton Zoning Board has a strong bias against beet farmers. The mayor is in the pocket of Big Lettuce.\nDwight: Battlestar Galactica isn't a documentary exactly.\nDwight: The book All The President's Men is about a conspiracy, just not the one people think.\nDwight: Jesus had a daughter, and she was the Mona Lisa.\nDwight: What we have come to know as fake crab meat is in fact real crab meat, and real crab meat is lobster."}
{"text": "Michael: Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.\nJim: Why are you telling us this?\nMichael: I am jetting off on an international business trip.\nJim: Where are you going?\nMichael: To Can-A-da.\nJim: Where is it?\nMichael: Canada.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery...\nMichael: Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi.\nMeredith: [British accent] Hello.\nMichael: I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. [covers Meredith's face with his jacket] You are now sexy in your culture.\nKevin: T minus...\nJim: Six point five days. [winces as Kevin smacks him on the back]\nCreed: [walks up behind Jim and puts his hands on his shoulders] One more week.\nJim: Pam comes back from New York next week and everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.\nPhyllis: On more week. [chuckles]\nStanley: Heh heh. [Jim gives camera an odd look]\nDavid Wallace: [on speakerphone] Do you have your passport?\nMichael: I have my passport. [pats jacket pocket]\nDavid Wallace: Got your per diem?\nMichael: I have my per diem. [holds up money] I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater.\nDavid Wallace: Michael, the... that's for your food.\nMichael: Well I'll just... I'll use different money for that.\nDavid Wallace: I was happy to send Michael on this trip. He's been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire. But this little perk really seemed to turn him around. [chuckling] And it's pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November.\nMichael: And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best. Actually better than a five-star hotel 'cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine. I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce.\nDavid Wallace: Well, I'm just glad to know you're happy because you know I felt bad.\nMichael: Well that is all in the past.\nDavid Wallace: And in terms of nightlife, when you get there just ask the concierge.\nMichael: They have one of those?\nMichael: [in a singsong voice] Lets do this!\nDwight: Wait, why do you need three suitcases?\nMichael: Two are for souvenirs.\nDwight: Do you have your money belt?\nMichael: I do. It's right here. [indicates to waist]\nDwight: No, no, no, no, no. You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. [demonstrates]\nMichael: No, I don't want to wear a bra.\nDwight: Here, let me help you. [reaches for Michael's money belt]\nMichael: Stop it! Stop it!\nDwight: Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this.\nMichael: Okay. Where is my translator?\nAndy: Monsieur.\nMichael: There he is.\nAndy: I'm just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancee. Translation: Goodbye my petite fiancee. [chuckles]\nAngela: Be good.\nAndy: I will try.\nAngela: Meaning what?\nAndy: Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid.\nMichael: Yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. That could be you [points at Jim] if you hadn't forgotten French. Where is my numbers man?\nOscar: Here.\nMichael: There we go. Our town car awaits.\nMeredith: It's just a van.\nMichael: Its not just a van.\nMeredith: Look, I know my way around a van. That is just a van.\nMichael: Dwight, can you get those please?\nDwight: [sighs and picks up Michael's empty suitcases]\nMichael: [on airplane] Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa.\nAndy: Ah... sweet!\nMichael: Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet.\nAndy: Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp!\nMichael: Take a sip of that. [hands Andy his mimosa]\nAndy: Mmmhmmm...\nMichael: That good?\nAndy: Mmmm...\nMichael: Don't drink all of it. Give some to Oscar.\nAndy: That's really good. [offers mimosa to Oscar]\nOscar: I'm good.\nMichael: You want one of your own? I can hook you up.\nStewardess: I'm sorry. You'll need to keep moving.\nMichael: Yes, this is Beth. This is my personal valet/flight attendant and she will be helping me this morning.\nBeth: We need to keep the isle clear.\nMichael: Yes...\nAndy: Oh...\nMichael: Get back, get back. Come on, get back to the slums.\nAndy: Oh boy. [follows Oscar back to coach]\nMichael: [whisper] Hey... guys, check it out. My own personal DVD player and 20 movies.\nOscar: [whispers] Andy brought one too.\nAndy: [loudly] Harry and the Henderson's\nMichael: Shhhh! Keep it down.\nOscar: I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one? [holds up sandwich]\nMichael: Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? [Andy laughs] My God, Oscar. Really? Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too, to share with everybody? No, I will be ordering my own food, thank you very much.\nMichael: [to stewardess] Hi.\nBeth: Hi.\nMichael: Um. I'd like to see a menu please.\nBeth: Oh, I'm sorry. There are no meals on flights less than two hours.\nMichael: Oh... okay. [looks back at Andy and Oscar] Doesn't matter, because I am going to take a nap. I think I am going to use my complimentary blindfold. I will don it... and oh! Look at that. I can't see because I am in a- [cart crashes into Michael's leg] GAH!\nBeth: What would you like to drink?\nRyan: [walks into Kelly's cubicle and sets a box down on the desk] Just checking out where I'm going to be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension.\nKelly: For you. I'm with Darryl.\nRyan: This looks like where I'll probably do my pushups every day. [gets on floor and starts doing pushups]\nKelly: Is that supposed to impress me? [Ryan starts trying to do one-armed pushups]\nKelly: [talking head] No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a healthy relationship so I'm not gonna flaunt it and I'm not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed.\nKelly: [making out with Ryan on her desk] What are we doing? This is so wrong.\nRyan: Yeah... Mmmmm...\nMichael: [going up escalator in the hotel] This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet... ah.\nOscar: I'll check us in.\nMichael: Alright.\nAndy: Very cool.\nMichael: Very cool.\nAndy: We are going to find out where the action is, my friend.\nMichael: Okay.\nAndy: Where's the concierge?\nMichael: Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.\nAndy: Mmm... bingo! [indicates towards concierge desk] Follow moi, bro-sieur.\nMichael: Wow!\nAndy: [to concierge] What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view?\nConcierge: Tsk... Oh. Matsuki. That's a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you man take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that you can take the taxi and the number is right there.\nMichael: Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um... I-ah! This is great, thank you!\nAndy: One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?\nConcierge: Oh, the Huntsman is good.\nAndy: [nodding towards Michael] The Huntsman.\nConcierge: Down here... the financial district.\nMichael: A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered.\nPam: [at school in NYC] Can't believe this. [pulls out cell phone... sighs]\nJim: [in office] Are you sure?\nPam: [over the phone] I just talked to my advisor. Failing.\nJim: Wow. I thought you were good at Flash.\nPam: I was, and then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I hate computers.\nJim: Okay, okay, it's no big deal. So you're not a computer geek.\nPam: I have to stay and retake it.\nJim: [looks shocked] W-Wow. Um. Well... okay.\nPam: That means another twelve weeks. [pause] Can you do this for another three months?\nJim: It's not- It's not about me. I mean, this your dream.\nPam: [over phone] I know.\nJim: And you went to New York to do this. So when you come back you come back the right way. Right?\nPam: [starting to cry] Right.\nJim: [concerned look on face] You okay?\nPam: [over phone] Yeah I'm fine. Um... my cell phone battery's low, so I have to let you go.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Alright.\nJim: Alright.\nPam: [over phone] Love you. Bye.\nJim: Love you too. [hangs up phone, Pam sits on a bench crying]\nMichael: Guys, she's in there.\nAndy: Engaging wings [imitates mechanical sound]\nOscar: I'm probably going to leave after one drink.\nMichael: Let's do this.\nAndy: Yeah with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand.\nMichael: [goes up to concierge from the hotel] Excuse me, hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott. Good to see you again.\nMarie: Good to see you.\nMichael: Um, this is my associate uh, from Dunder Mifflin, uh, Oscar Martinez.\nOscar: Nice to meet you. [shakes Marie's hand]\nMarie: Oscar.\nMichael: Works in accounting. This is uh, concierge Marie...\nOscar: Yes.\nMichael: ...who works at our hotel. You look, how do you say, radiant tonight.\nMarie: Thank you.\nMichael: And it is, how do you say, a beautiful night-\nOscar: Michael, why?\nMichael: She's foreign. I am-\nAndy: For Madame et monsieur. [hands Michael and Marie a glass of wine]\nMichael: Oh, thank you.\nAndy: You're welcome.\nMichael: Thank you, Andy.\nMarie: Thank you?\nAndy: Let me get a picture of you guys.\nMichael: Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think it's better to die with people you like... like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie... than to know that there's somebody out there that you love that you're not with.\nAndy: Alright, I've scoped out the joint. Those two dudes are as good as naked.\nOscar: How do you even know they're gay?\nAndy: Come on! It's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there. [turns to bartender] Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas s'ill vous plait. [to Oscar] Bad decision in a glass.\nAndy: I don't care if you're gay, straight, engaged... whatever. A guy needs intercourse.\nAndy: You'll thank me when they spank thee.\nOscar: Don't do this. [watches Andy take drinks to the other table]\nAndy: Do you guys like apples?\nGuy at table: What?\nAndy: Do you like apples?\nGuy at table: Uh, sorry... what?\nAndy: Well, how do you like these apples? [sets drinks on table] Alright, on a scale of 1 - 10, how hot is that dude? [indicates towards Oscar who waves slightly]\nGuy at table: Is he your boyfriend or something?\nAndy: No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right.\nGuy: Dude, leave us alone alright?\nAndy: Gentleman. [walks away]\nOscar: What are you doing?\nAndy: Dude, you struck out. They're totally stuck up. Here... drink up.\nMichael: How about this one? It's Christmas eve-\nConcierge Marie: Mmm-hmmm...\nMichael: -and everything's closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do?\nMarie: Uh...A stro cleaners on St. Johns place is the only place open on that day.\nMichael: Unbelievable! Unbelievable.\nOscar: If you don't mind me asking-\nAndy: Anything. You can ask me anything.\nOscar: Okay.\nAndy: I'm your wingman.\nOscar: Its just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time.\nAndy: Right-o.\nOscar: How could anyone stand that woman?\nAndy: What?\nOscar: What do you see in her? Wh - what do you see in Angela?\nAndy: What do I see in Angela?\nOscar: I want to know.\nAndy: I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she's working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I've ever seen and I can't wait to have sex with her.\nOscar: You haven't had sex?\nAndy: No.\nOscar: Y-Are you guys waiting to get married, or?\nAndy: Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for.\nOscar: Andy, something is wrong with that woman.\nAndy: What is wrong with her?\nOscar: I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her. I'd like to know what's wrong with her.\nAndy: I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?\nOscar: Do it! It's a- Call her! [Andy holds up phone] Oh my God, don't call her! Don't call her, Andy. [giggling] Andy, don't call her!\nAndy: Too late, too late. It's dialing... now it's ringing. [Oscar laughs] Shh...\nAngela: [on phone] Hello? Hello?\nAndy: What is wrong with you?\nOscar: Why won't you do Andy?\nAngela: What?\nAndy: That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me and I think it's a valid question.\nAngela: Are you drunk?\nAndy: This is Andy Bernard!\nAngela: I know who this is!\nAndy: I wanna take you to sex school.\nAngela: What?\nDwight: [over phone] Who is that monkey?\nAndy: Is somebody there?\nAngela: Are you drunk?\nAndy: I have needs.\nAngela: We will discuss this later.\nAndy: Naked.\nAngela: What?\nAndy: We'll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked.\nMichael: [standing outside hotel room... whispering] Do you want to get some breakfast or something?\nConcierge Marie: I am so tired.\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: [noticing that everyone is giving him a sympathetic look] How does everyone know already?\nDwight: Know what?\nMeredith: Pam failed art school.\nDwight: Oh, well, doesn't surprise me.\nJim: Excuse me?\nDwight: Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions.\nPhyllis: Dwight, stop it.\nStanley: Dwight.\nDwight: What? Are there two suns?\nMeredith: Come on.\nStanley: Oh my God.\nDwight: Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy.\nJim: I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.\nDwight: It's totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot.\nAndy: Oscar\nOscar: Hey.\nAndy: That was fun last night.\nOscar: Yeah, it was.\nAndy: You know, it's true what they say- Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada.\nOscar: Hey, um... thanks for trying to hook me up.\nAndy: You kidding me? It's what I do. Get the whole nine 'nards. [Oscar laughs]\nOscar: I can't believe we called her up. [both laugh]\nAndy: Totally. [continues laughing] What- Who?\nOscar: I'm talking about Angela. I can't believe we called her up last night.\nAndy: We called Angela?\nOscar: You- you call- you called her.\nAndy: That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God!\nOscar: Alright.\nAndy: Oh, God!\nOscar: Okay.\nAndy: So bad!\nOscar: Good morning, Michael. [Michael approaches table] Are you ready for the meeting?\nMichael: Slept like a baby.\nKelly: Mmmm... mmm. This can't happen again.\nRyan: This has to happen again. Darryl can't happen again. Look at me. Do you want me to do more push-ups?\nKelly: Yeah.\nRyan: Okay. You have to break up with Darryl. I already typed out a text message for you. All you have to do is press 'send'.\nKelly: I don't know. I mean, it's well-written and all, I just-\nRyan: Has to be done. We'll press send together. [phone beeps]\nKelly: Oh my God. He's going to kill us.\nRyan: I'd like to see him try. [kisses Kelly... cell phone beeps]\nKelly: Oh! He says it's cool. [laughs] He said, 'It's cool'.\nRyan: That's all he wrote?\nKelly: That's all he wrote.\nRyan: Can I see it?\nKelly: Mmm hmm.\nRyan: Didn't you two date for like a long time?\nKelly: Mmm hmm. It's like a fairy tale! [grabs Ryan and kisses him] Mmmm...\nClient: I'll be honest with you- we've been talking with Catalyst Paper. Their prices are better than yours.\nMichael: Look, people continue to come back to us time and time again because they feel cared for here. They feel respected and they feel that their needs matter. They are treated like human beings. [sighs]\nClient: Everything okay?\nMichael: Yes.\nAndy: Oh man, she is so pissed. [sitting down by Oscar]\nOscar: Mmm...\nAndy: She's taking us back to first base.\nOscar: What is first base with Angela?\nAndy: I get to kiss her forehead. [looks at Oscar] I had a good time hanging out this weekend.\nOscar: I had a good time too.\nAndy: Wingman for life. W.M.F.L\nOscar: Thank you.\nAndy: You up for a chest bump?\nOscar: No.\nAndy: Bro hug? [Oscar shakes head... then sticks his hand out and Andy shakes it] Back to basics. I like it.\nAndy: I had to go all the way to Canada to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me. And he's delightful! [laughs]\nDavid Wallace: [on phone] Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale.\nMichael: Yeah, we locked him up for two years.\nDavid Wallace: Good, very good. See, told you. Sounds like somebody had a good trip.\nMichael: No. Actually the trip sucked.\nDavid Wallace: Excuse me?\nMichael: The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip.\nDavid Wallace: What are you talking about?\nMichael: I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van.\nDavid Wallace: Okay.\nMichael: And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time.\nDavid Wallace: The hotel? What, M- okay.\nMichael: It was not, it sucked.\nDavid Wallace: I'm sorry to hear the hotel was bad.\nMichael: Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige. That was great. That was great. That was- that was a-\nDacvid Walalce: Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey.\nMichael: That was a really good choice.\nDavid Wallcve: Michael, please lets listen for a second.\nMichael: No, David. You listen to me. Why did you send her away? That- God. You knew I liked her and you just sent her away. And that- that was a sucky thing to do man.\nDacvid Wallace: Michael, sometimes-\nMichael: That was a really sucky thing to do.\nDavid Wallace: Sometimes, we- [Michael hangs up phone]\nMichael: Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. 'Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it's because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off... right to his face... over the hone. That's respect.\nKevin: You did it, man. [fist bumps Jim] Day one. Congrats.\nJim: Thanks man.\nPam: I'm coming back the wrong way. [smiles at Jim across the parking lot] It's not because of you. I don't like graphic design. That's it. [laughs] Stop smiling. I really didn't like it. It's just designing logos and stuff... and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home... and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can't tell me what to do. Got it?\nJim: I missed you.\nPam: I missed you too. [Jim kisses her]\nDwight: You're back.\nPam: Uh, yeah.\nDwight: Good. I need you to make five copies of these. [hands Pam papers]\nPam: I'm not going inside.\nDwight: Alright. First thing in the morning then.\nJim: Welcome back.\nKelly: We're back together again baby.\nRyan: We're back.\nKelly: They tried to keep us apart, but they couldnt. It was like destiny.\nRyan: I- I realized that for whatever reason I... just couldn't do better than kelly.\nKelly: Oh!\nRyan: [whispers] Yeah."}
{"text": "Angela: Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?\nKevin: [with mouth full] Yes.\nDwight: Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkie.\nJim: So why did you come in here?\nDwight: To socialize. And inform.\nMichael: Oh brownies! I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on, much healthier.\nRyan: You're taking two?\nKelly: Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby.\nMichael: Yeah why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?\nKelly: Um, I'm just gonna hand it to him right now.\nMichael: Heh, okay, weirdo.\nJim: Why is that, why is that weird?\nMichael: She said she was going to give it to him right now. [starts laughing]\nJim: [laughing] She's probably going to, cause they sit next to each other.\nMichael: Yeah, they used to.\nJim: Toby works here again.\nMichael: Oh, can you imagine?\nJim: Oh no.\nMichael: Uhhgh.\nJim: You don't know.\nMichael: I don't know. What?\nJim: You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's, see if he's back.\nMichael: Hmmm, dare I? [laughs] You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake. [walks to the annex, standing in Toby's cubicle] Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. [turns around and sees Toby]\nToby: Hi, Micha-\nMichael: NOOOO! GOD! No, God, please no! No! No! NOOO!\nMichael: [watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds] Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No.\nDwight: He looks great.\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Well rested.\nMichael: He looks worse.\nDavid: Michael, is everyone okay?\nMichael: Uh, well I'm afraid not. Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance.\nDavid: I don't understand, is anyone hurt?\nMichael: Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David.\nDavid: Michael, you texted me, 911 CALL ME.\nMichael: Yes.\nDavid: All in caps. Do you know what 911 means?\nMichael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.\nDavid: Now what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there.\nMichael: I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved.\nDwight: Also, it's icky back there.\nMichael: That's true. People say it's icky.\nDavid: Okay, I have to go.\nMichael: David, wait.\nDavid: No.\nMichael: Is there no way we can get rid of him?\nDavid: Not without cause, Michael.\nMichael: I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him.\nDavid: You have to get along with Toby.\nMichael: No.\nDavid: Yep.\nMichael: I don't.\nDavid: Goodbye, Michael. [hangs up]\nMichael: [Dwight comes over, starts to massage Michael's shoulders] Don't do that.\nPam: [pours something from the fridge into a bowl and opens the microwave, it is covered in exploded food] Oh, come on! [to the documentary crew] Do you see this? Disgusting.\nAndy: So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place?\nJim: Yeah, I am. Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you that.\nAndy: Ehhh no, I was just walking by your desk. I saw some email. I got peepers of an eagle.\nJim: That's really not cool.\nAndy: Kaaw!\nKevin: So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in?\nJim: Yeah, I guess technically Kev, you're right.\nJim: Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parent's house, the house I grew up in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the 70's. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. [tugs and pulls in vain at the clown painting] She's gonna love it. Right?\nJim: Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam?\nAndy: Whoa, you haven't told the misses about the castle? You're in for a spanking my friend. Myself and my lady? - no secrets.\nPhyllis: Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic.\nJim: Oh thanks, Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Where's your place?\nJim: Oh, it's on uh Linden Ave? By the quarry?\nPhyllis: Ohhh...\nCreed: Cool beans, man, I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there.\nJim: Definitely we should.\nOscar: [reading from a note on the microwave] 'To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed.'\nAndy: That is just obnoxious.\nOscar: No kidding.\nPam: Yeah. Wait, what, the mess or the note?\nOscar: The note. So 'holier than thou'.\nAngela: Hmm, I liked it.\nPam: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?\nAndy: No, the note is way more obnoxious than the mess.\nMeredith: Sincerely, disappointed? Get off your high horse, Richie.\nPam: Just because someone likes things clean, doesn't mean they're rich.\nMeredith: Yeh, they're rich.\nMichael: You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served. [walks to the annex] Hey Toby, great to have you back, man. Seriously, just a, just a real pleasure to see you again.\nToby: Well thanks Michael.\nMichael: You're welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family.\nToby: Well that's sweet, I missed you guys too.\nMichael: So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun.\nToby: Well, um, it was amazing. It really was, thanks for asking. Um the beaches were pristine...\nMichael: Nice beaches, pristine beaches?\nToby: ...and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic.\nMichael: Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay?\nToby: It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found.\nMichael: I bet, for you.\nToby: And uh, yeah, plus it was hot.\nMichael: [shifting uncomfortably and sweating] Shhh hot, why didn't you get an air-condition- should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself.\nToby: Are you all right, Michael?\nMichael: Yeah, I am. I am.\nMichael: I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.\nMichael: Okay, just summarize.\nDwight: Okay, fireable offenses include: workplace violence and sexual harassment.\nMichael: That's it, that's it, perfect. We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we will catch him in the act.\nDwight: I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.\nMichael: Mm. Me too. Okay, let's get this started.\nDwight: Okay [stands up removes jacket and starts loosening his tie]\nMichael: What are you doing?\nDwight: [removes glasses] I am the bait.\nMichael: For what?\nDwight: Men find me desirable.\nMichael: No, no, no.\nDwight: Oh, it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.\nMichael: You're the bait for Toby?\nDwight: Mmhmm.\nMichael: No, for one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me.\nDwight: Men find me desirable.\nMichael: Yes, sure they do, Dwight.\nPam: When it comes down to it, it's a health issue. I should have written that.\nJim: Mmhmm, yeah.\nPam: [looks up] Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me?\nJim: Oh totally. Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still?\nPam: Are you inching away from me?\nJim: No.\nPam: Reach your arms out.\nJim: [laughs and swings his arm out which doesn't come close to touching the reception desk] I'm always this close.\nMichael: Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah. Hello, Pam. Jim may I have a moment with Pam please.\nJim: Yes, I just have to take this call anyway so...\nMichael: Oh, oooh his mistress. No. I'm kidding. No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam.\nPam: What do you need, Michael?\nMichael: Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson? I just want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand. Can you do that for me?\nMichael: Good. [Pam stands up and starts reading note] N-no no no, don't.\nPam: Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I'm too shy to tell you that I love you.'\nMichael: Pam. Pam, you gave me your word.\nRyan: [kissing Kelly against her desk] You did that for me?\nKelly: Mmhmm.\nRyan: Are you happy you did?\nToby: Hey guys that's really inappropriate.\nRyan: [kisses for a little longer] What's up?\nMichael: Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them?\nRyan: Yeah, yeah I'll see them.\nMichael: Toby can I see those? Ooh. [takes photos and throws them on the floor] What's the matter? What's the matter? You scared?\nDwight: Those are fighting words.\nMichael: You mad? You mad at me?\nDwight: I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you.\nMichael: Do you want to do that? You want to hit me, you want to punch me?\nDwight: Hmmm?\nMichael: Huh? He might do it...\nKelly: Punch him, Toby!\nMichael: I dare you to. Come on.\nDwight: Come on. [making karate moves] Baaah!\nMichael: What's the matter... haaaww!\nDwight: Hit him! Hit him, Chicken.\nRyan: Yeah, punch him.\nMichael: Hey hey! Come on, Ryan, who's side are you on?\nDwight: Ryan. Come on, man?\nMichael: No do it, do it. I dare you.\nDwight: Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face.\nMichael: Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch. Come on! Come oooon...\nToby: I'm not going to punch you, Michael.\nDwight: Are you really not going to punch him?\nToby: No, why would I punch you?\nMichael: Son of a bitch.\nRyan: [as Toby picks up his photos] You should have hit him man, guy was asking for it. Once in a lifetime, man.\nDwight: I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day\nMichael: [mouth full of brownie] Just stop it. You haven't done anything helpful all day.\nDwight: There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired.\nMichael: What's that?\nDwight: [goes over and closes office door] Frame him, for using drugs.\nMichael: Frame him?\nDwight: Yeah, it's illegal, but... everything they do on The Shield is illegal.\nMichael: I've never framed a man before, have you?\nDwight: Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.\nMichael: Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.\nMichael: Hello. I've seen you guys around. I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. How you doing? [they stare at him] Uhghh, so I guess you know why I'm here? I need to purchase something.\nVance Refrigeration guy: A fridge?\nMichael: No. Uh, I wanted- I wanted to buy some weed? Some...\nVance Refrigeration guy: What?\nMichael: Grass, weed?\nLeo: What makes you think we'd have weed?\nMichael: I heard you drug- I heard you dealt.\nVance Refrigeration Guy: [whispers in Leo's ear] Hey, just hold on one second.\nMichael: I'm not wearing a wire, so...\nLeo: Why would you even say that?\nVance Refrigeration Guy: [comes back up to Michael] Hey, that's gonna be 500 dollars.\nMichael: How much? How many pounds is it?\nVance Refrigeration Guy: It's- it's two pounds. I'm losing money on this man just, give me the money. Alright, walk away.\nLeo: Walk away.\nVance Refrigeration Guy: Walk away.\nRyan: Hey, Pam? I just wanted to let you know; I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation.\nPam: Thank you.\nRyan: I was just back there, to make some cup-o-soup; the thing is still a huge mess.\nPam: I know, can you believe it?\nRyan: Yeah, it's crazy. But, I guess the thing is at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get there and clean it up.\nPam: I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?\nRyan: Ah ha ha, oh no, trust me. I would just make it worse.\nPam: How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?\nRyan: I- I would find a way.\nPam: You've seen things cleaned before though, right?\nRyan: I- Pam, I am hopeless at that stuff I... I, uh...\nKelly: Hi, Michael.\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey. Hey. I forgot... I forgot...\nDwight: [on a cell phone in the hallway] Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson [Michael opens Toby's desk drawer and puts something in it] and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name. See you soon.\nPolice Officer 1: Hi, we received a call?\nPam: I don't know anything about that.\nPolice Officer 1: We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation.\nPam: Here?\nDwight: Hey, Pam. Hey I got this, okay? Hello, officers, Dwight Schrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. [leads them back towards the annex as Creed stands up and starts to put him hands up and then relaxes them behind his ears]\nCreed: Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.\nMichael: Those are real cops, real guns. I wonder what's going on. [follows them]\nDwight: Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator.\nToby: Hey, what is this?\nDwight: Search his things.\nPolice Officer 2: Sir, can you step away from your desk please?\nToby: Why?\nPolice Officer 2: Sir, please step away from your desk.\nToby: Hey, what's going on? You don't have my permission to do this.\nDwight: They don't need your permission, Flenderson, they've got the company's permission.\nToby: Hey, hey what are- why are you doing this?\nMichael: Uh, you know what? I think that this... uh, this is probably a misunderstanding.\nToby: Don't search my stuff.\nPolice Officer 1: Sir?\nToby: I have a reasonable right to privacy.\nDwight: Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson.\nToby: Michael!\nMichael: Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay?\nPolice Officer 1: Sir, did you recently return from a trip to Central America?\nToby: Oh my God!\nMichael: No, no no no... No, no.\nToby: That was... I went to Costa Rica for a few months. What is going on?\nMichael: No, that was... that was legitimate. That was totally legitimate.\nPolice Officer 1: Really?\nPolice Officer 2: Check this out.\nMichael: Oh God!\nToby: That is not mine. I have never seen that before.\nMichael: No, no no no no.\nPolice Officer 1: Turn around.\nToby: What is going on here?\nMichael: God! No, that's not... I don't know what that is. And I... I bet he has nothing to do with that!\nPolice Officer 1: Do you have any weapons?\nToby: Of course not!\nMichael: Ahh, that's mine.\nDwight: No! Michael, no!\nMichael: Yes, it's mine.\nPolice Officer 2: Some basil. Salad dressing, I think.\nPolice Officer 1: Salad dressing?\nPolice Officer 2: Yeah it's, uh, a caprese salad. There's a little bit of, uh, mozerella right there.\nMichael: Are you kidding me? That's my salad.\nDwight: So wait a minute, there's no drugs?\nPolice Officer 2: No.\nDwight: Gahh, dammit! [punches file cabinet] Come on!\nPolice Officer 1: We got a fake tip.\nDwight: Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him?\nPolice Officer 1: No.\nDwight: [following them out] You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why don't you use them?\nMichael: You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.\nToby: I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael.\nMichael: Hmm.\nToby: Did you?\nMichael: Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere.\nToby: You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff.\nMichael: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.\nMichael: You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So...\nToby: I did leave.\nMichael: Yes, you did. And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of... history.\nToby: Well, I don't see it that way.\nMichael: Do you want to hear a lie?\nToby: What?\nMichael: I think you're great. You're my best friend.\nRyan: [stops kissing Kelly] I can't do this.\nKelly: Can't do what?\nRyan: It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me.\nKelly: Wait, what are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you.\nRyan: That was your choice; don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip.\nKelly: Oh, can I come?\nRyan: It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school, well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it... you don't want me to resent you, do you?\nKelly: So you're dumping me?\nRyan: Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time. And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing.\nKelly: Okay?\nJim: [walking out of the building] Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home?\nPam: Sure.\nJim: Cool.\nPam: [getting out of the car] What are we doing at your parent's house?\nJim: I have a surprise for you. All right, ready? Close your eyes and now [spins her around once] open your eyes. Tadah!\nPam: I don't get it.\nJim: I bought it. It's ours. Let's go inside, I'll show you inside. [walking inside] So if you can believe it I did it without a realtor. Saving on closing costs is good and, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. Which I think will help, the color situation. [Pam walks over to the clown painting on the wall] Yeah, I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but he is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft, I guess, lot of art theives in this neighborhood. [upstairs] This is the master bedroom but, I'm actually not allowed in here so... [shuts the door]\nJim: [outside] So I'm still in the process of converting the garage. It's got great light in here and I'm thinking, it could be perfect [opens garage door] for an art studio. [Pam looks around and then looks at him] Look, I know, I bought this without asking you and it's doesn't look great, I know that. And if you really hate it, I totally understand it's just-\nPam: I love it.\nJim: You do?\nPam: Yeah, I love it!\nJim: Really?\nPam: I mean, you bought me a house!\nJim: Oh my God...\nPam: You bought me a house!\nJim: Yeah, I did. [they kiss]\nPam: Um, do we have to sleep in your parent's bedroom?\nJim: No, No, we'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about.\nPam: And the clown?\nJim: Yeah, I can't... really can't move him.\nDwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."}
{"text": "Oscar: Here are our final actual costs for this year.\nMichael: Mmm... okay.\nOscar: As you can see, we did pretty well, so...\nMichael: Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old.\nOscar: Alright, well this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis...\nMichael: Yes.\nOscar: Right there.\nMichael: There's the x-ax...icks.\nOscar: You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300.\nMichael: Mmhmm, okay.\nOscar: But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget.\nMichael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.\nOscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.\nMichael: Ho-oh!\nOscar: So you have an extra dollar.\nMichael: Yeah.\nOscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...\nMichael: I'll be six.\nOscar: And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you nine dollars. 'Cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand.\nMichael: So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus.\nOscar: We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget.\nMichael: [whistles poorly] Whoo.\nOscar: We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need.\nMichael: Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you...\nMichael: Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... [imitates drum roll] Can anybody guess?\nPam: New chairs?\nMichael: No, a new copier! [only Oscar applauds] Unless everybody can agree on something better?\nOscar: No, no, please. Please do not do this.\nPam: Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year.\nMichael: So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?\nPam: [over indistinct conversation] Good? Yeah, he said good, I'm good...\nOscar: Now listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?\nPam: Oscar, no. This is not the time for one of your principled stands.\nOscar: Pam, you make more copies than anyone.\nPam: Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.\nMichael: Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one.\nStanley: I'm with Pam. Chairs.\nMichael: Alright, so, teams forming.\nToby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below, we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.\nMichael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.\nToby: You'll see.\nPam: Michael?\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: I've talked to Meredith, Stanley and Jim about the chairs. I know they're with me on this.\nJim: Uh, actually, I'm gonna go with copier.\nPam: What? Jim.\nJim: Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel weird asking her to make copies for me. So, I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I-But you know what? Pam and I don't have to agree on everything.\nMeredith: Jim, good for you, standing up to Pam like that.\nCreed: The balls on you, man.\nOscar: So Michael, what do you think?\nMichael: Why me?\nJim: You have to make the decision.\nMichael: Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.\nAndy: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute Farms...\nDwight: Yeah, do tell.\nAndy: I mean, like, '156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left.'\nDwight: Mmhmm.\nAndy: Walk until you hear the beehive.'\nDwight: How could it be more clear?\nAngela: I think Andy makes an excellent point.\nDwight: Okay.\nAngela: But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.\nDwight: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.\nAngela: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.\nDwight: Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on.\nAndy: Let's three-way this little issue, and come to a solution by the time we get to Schrute Farms, how's that for a plan?\nAndy: We're getting married at Schrute Farms, no matter what. I have looked at twelve venues, I have lost eight deposits, and I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: So um, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing...\nJim: Mmhmm.\nPam: I really think you should reconsider.\nJim: Oh, Pam, I really... hate that copier.\nPam: Yeah, I know.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: But I really think you should reconsider.\nJim: Beesly, are you threatening me?\nPam: Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. [whispers] But you should know, you're on very dangerous ground [kisses Jim]. [at normal volume] All right.\nJim: Okay.\nJim: [shudders] Whew.\nDwight: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.\nAndy: Hmm... mm, what's that smell?\nDwight: You're gonna need to be more specific.\nAngela: Manure. Get rid of it.\nDwight: Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.\nAngela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?\nDwight: You wanna eat, don't you?\nAngela: Honey, say something!\nAndy: Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before?\nDwight: ...I'll consider it.\nAndy: See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. [steps in manure, trying to laugh it off] ...Darn! Heh.\nDwight: There's a hose out back.\nAndy: Okay.\nPam: Remember, you were gonna get a new chair, and you were gonna give your old chair to me. Remember that?\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: Well that never happened.\nOscar: Michael?\nMichael: I don't know. I haven't decided yet.\nOscar: I'm just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with?\nMichael: Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing.\nJim: Woah, you guys going to lunch?\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: Mind if I join?\nMichael: Ohh, God!\nJim: All right.\nMichael: Yeah!\nJim: Let's go.\nMichael: Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!\nJim: Let's do it.\nMichael: All right! Cool!\nJim: Where we going?\nMichael: I have no idea.\nPam: So, I guess that's how they're gonna play this. It is on. [very serious] It is so on.\nPam: Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings, and only one chair?\nOscar: [laughing uproariously with Michael and Jim] Stop it! Michael.\nJim: Michael, that is hilarious.\nMichael: [through the laughter] Oh, is somebody making fun of me?\nOscar: The best. Great friends. Thank you, Michael. [all three are still laughing]\nJim: Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings.\nPam: Aww.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: That's cool. [opens the container and smells the tiramisu] Mm, good stuff. [throws it in the garbage]\nJim: You look really pretty.\nPam: Thank you. [goes to Michael's office and knocks on the door]\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: Michael?\nMichael: Yeah?\nPam: Hey!\nMichael: Oh, hey.\nPam: You got a second?\nMichael: I do.\nPam: Oh, good.\nPam: Oh, that must've been so fun.\nMichael: it was fun. We had a good time.\nPam: Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?\nMichael: Oh, thank you.\nPam: Yeah, is that a new tie?\nMichael: Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars.\nPam: That is amazing!\nMichael: You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.\nPam: What?\nMichael: Nine dollars. The boys' department.\nPam: No.\nMichael: Look at the ass. Check out the ass.\nPam: [applauding] No way!\nMichael: Look at that. [begins dancing] Unh. Unh-unh.\nPam: Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier.\nMichael: Yes they were.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: They were.\nPam: Here's what I was thinking: everyone sits on a chair every day...\nMichael: Mmhmm.\nPam: But not everyone...\nMichael: Sits on a copier.\nPam: Or even uses the copier every day.\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: Yeah, right?\nMichael: Very valid.\nPam: ...That's it. [giggles]\nMichael: All right.\nPam: All right, see you later...\nMichael: See ya.\nPam: Hot tie guy.\nMichael: [laughs] Hahaha!... well...\nDwight: Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?\nAngela: No. I haven't thought of it.\nDwight: Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.\nAngela: I would like cat.\nDwight: Cats don't make butter.\nAngela: I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat.\nDwight: It doesn't make any sense.\nAngela: Yes it does!\nAndy: Okay, guys!\nAngela: I want a butter sculpture of a cat!\nDwight: Cow, goat or sheep.\nAndy: What is this? All right, we're all on the same team. Is it- [steps in manure] Damn! Why is that in the kitchen?!\nJim: [Pam is making copies and is struggling with the machine] You might want to consider changing teams, because we would-we would love to have you.\nPam: No, copier's great.\nJim: Yeah?\nPam: Yeah. I have my copies. [holds up messed up copies]\nJim: There they are.\nPam: And I have my original. [holds up original paper, ripped in half]\nJim: You got it.\nPam: So suck it.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Okay.\nKevin: Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay.\nMichael: Oh, thank you my dear.\nKelly: Wait, Michael! Let me open the door for you.\nMichael: Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay...\nStanley: There he is!\nMichael: There he is! Hello, hello!\nPhyllis: Hello.\nMichael: Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.\nJim: Oh!\nMichael: Mm! [gives Jim a high five] Yeah!\nPam: There's that ass!\nMichael: Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!\nPam: Woo! Yeah. Aw, don't take it away!\nMichael: Oh... ah, I almost choked.\nDwight: Here's another place.\nAngela: It's beautiful.\nAndy: Hey-o!\nDwight: So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.\nAndy: [whistling Pachelbel's 'Canon in D;' switches to singing then back to whistling]\nAngela: [to minister] Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and-\nAndy: I'm Andy.\nAngela: I work with Dwight.\nDwight: He doesn't understand a word you're saying.\nAndy: What?\nDwight: Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... [speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German] And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, 'I do.' [Andy mouths, 'I do' silently] And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...\nAngela: I do.\nDwight: And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.\nHank: Got a call about a problem up here.\nPam: Did somebody call Hank?\nMichael: Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.\nHank: So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs.\nMichael: Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. [Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar] Yeah, take as many as you want.\nHank: Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here.\nMichael: Yes.\nHank: So what are we talking about?\nMichael: Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-\nHank: I know what a surplus is.\nMichael: Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.\nHank: Is that the copier?\nMichael: It is, yes.\nHank: [inspects the copier] Hmm.\nMichael: What?\nHank: I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.\nMichael: Okay.\nPam: You can try mine.\nMichael: Oh, there we go.\nHank: Hmm, not much lumbar support.\nMichael: Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.\nHank: On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do.\nMichael: So, the copier.\nHank: Well, let me finish.\nMichael: All right, yes.\nHank: Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.\nMichael: Well, what should I do?\nHank: ...Let me see the copier again.\nMichael: All right, get out. Get out.\nAngela: Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.\nDwight: I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.\nAngela: What do you mean?\nDwight: Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, 'I do.' And I said, 'I do.' And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.\nAngela: Dwight! That doesn't count!\nDwight: Yes, of course it does.\nAngela: No, it doesn't!\nDwight: It does in the state of Pennsylvania.\nAngela: I didn't-\nDwight: Haha, Mrs. Schrute.\nAngela: We are not married.\nDwight: Wha...\nAngela: Take this thing. [takes off twine ring]\nDwight: My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!\nAndy: Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? [Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball] Ow!\nDavid: [on speakerphone] Michael.\nMichael: Hey David- [begins coughing violently] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.\nDavid: Is this why you're calling me?\nMichael: No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- [coughs again] I'm sorry.\nDavid: Okay.\nMichael: Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different.\nDavid: You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?\nMichael: No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.\nDavid: Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus.\nMichael: The what now?\nDavid: Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.\nMichael: ...Like a tip? [calculates amount] $645?!\nMichael: I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.\nJim: [on the phone] We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you.\nMichael: All right, attention everyone.\nJim: Let me call you right back. Okay.\nMichael: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... [puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass] working perfectly.\nOscar: That's the original.\nMichael: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sits in Pam's chair] Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. [slowly sinking into the chair] Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? [the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk] They don't have copiers. They don't even- [struggles to get up from Pam's chair] Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing.\nOscar: Do you know?\nMichael: Do I know what?\nOscar: I think you know.\nMichael: Mm, no...\nPhyllis: Know what?\nPam: Yeah, know what?\nOscar: Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?\nMichael: $645.00\nKevin: Michael's a genius.\nMichael: Right.\nOscar: Why'd you say dollars?\nMichael: Because that is how my mind works.\nOscar: What's 15% of 200? [Michael doesn't answer] Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus.\nJim: Wait, what?\nPam: You can do that?\nKevin: Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?\nMichael: Let's see...\nPam: You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?\nMichael: I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less.\nOscar: You're gonna get us a copier then?\nMichael: This is so stupid.\nPam: Or chairs?\nMichael: This is so, so stupid. And, God... [looks at his watch] that's my phone.\nStanley: I didn't hear a phone.\nMichael: To be continued!\nMichael: No, I don't-this doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.\nAndy: Hey Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you. [Angela walks over to Andy] What-\nAngela: [kisses Andy passionately in his chair] Now, I have to take care of a legal issue.\nAndy: Was that hot or what?\nPam: So what's it gonna be?\nOscar: Michael, you have to make a decision. The day is almost done.\nPam: Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me.\nOscar: You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing.\nMichael: [groans in frustration] You think it's easy?\nStanley: It's your job.\nMichael: Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?\nMichael: It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- [Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen] Hey.\nPam: Hey.\nOscar: Hey, we're going with the chairs.\nMichael: What?\nOscar: I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.\nPam: Thanks Michael.\nMichael: Good work. I'm proud of you. [Pam and Oscar leave] Mother-\nMichael: [wearing a fur coat] What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, [camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat] you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.\nJim: Truce?\nPam: Yeah, I guess, since I won.\nJim: Yeah, you did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. [begins to walk away, then turns back] Totally kidding. [leans in, whispers] I'm gonna need four. [kisses Pam]"}
{"text": "Dwight: What is this?\nJim: Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.\nDwight: You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?\nJim: Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.\nDwight: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.\nJim: I think it'll take you a little longer than that.\nDwight: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my - [sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, desk and chair are made of paper, Dwight crashes to the floor]\nStanley: Eh...\nPhyllis: I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have.\nStanley: I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat. [Kevin is wearing the same hat]\nPhyllis: This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is 'Nights in Morocco'. This isn't your grandmothers Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.\nMichael: Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get in to the party?\nPhyllis: Yes.\nMichael: Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.\nPhyllis: Angela. You're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme.\nAngela: It's the nativity scene.\nPhyllis: Alright. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant and the north African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.\nAngela: I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.\nPhyllis: I need you to get rid of the tree.\nAngela: But-\nPhyllis: Thank you.\nPhyllis: Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be black mail, it would have to be a formal letter.\nJim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection.\nDwight: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil.\nDwight: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: 'My horn can pierce the sky'. Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess? [makes doll nod]\nJim: That's the Christmas spirit.\nDwight: I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?\nJim: Yes.\nMichael: Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.\nDwight: They are now.\nMichael: Cool. [sings] My horn can pierce the sky.\nMichael: This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything.\nMeredith: [drinks] Oh... my... GOD!!! [laughs] Hit me again.\nMichael: Alright... One more time around the block.\nJim: I will grant you one wish.\nPam: I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.\nJim: Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes. [Pam laughs] Dumb.\nAndy: [sitting on floor playing the sitar] Hey, hey... Ange... check it out. [sings] There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. [laughs]\nAngela: Really Andy? It's Christmas and your singing about nudity and France.\nAndy: [sings] There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all.\nMichael: Jim, Jim...\nJim: What is it?\nMichael: That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka.\nJim: Wow, that is delicious.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: Can't believe no ones thought of that.\nMichael: I know.\nMeredith: [dancing drunkenly] Ahh yeah!!\nMeredith: [continuing to dance, lifting her shirt] Belly dancing!\nGuy buying doll: 120, 180... 200.\nDwight: All right.\nGuy: Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this.\nDwight: Oh, so glad I could help.\nGuy: Thanks.\nDwight: Merry Christmas.\nGuy: You too.\nDwight: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching.\nMichael: [sighs] Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.\nJim: [Meredith's hair is on fire] Oh, oh, oh, oh!\nDwight: We got a live one! On fire!! [Dwight extinguishes Meredith]\nMeredith: I'm all right. I'm all right.\nAndy: Sorry.\nOscar: We're back on the 5th, should we just do it then?\nMichael: Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth\nOscar: What about February 2nd?\nJim: Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day?\nMichael: No, no. I celebrate privately.\nJim: That's cool.\nMichael: Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.\nOscar: Now? It's our Christmas party.\nMichael: We'll do it quickly.\nJim: Well what if we can't do it quickly.\nMichael: [mimicking] What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it-\nOscar: Do you know how to do an intervention?\nMichael: Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up.\nMichael: An intervention. It's sort of hard to describe, but really its- it's a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who are- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.\nPhyllis: It looks like we're going to be here for awhile, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone. Little triangles of pita, toasted on both sides, fanned so you can easily can grab them.\nAngela: I don't-\nPhyllis: And napkins... fanned.\nMichael: Okay, how do you feel?\nMeredith: A little better. I threw up.\nMichael: Uck... T.M.I.\nKevin: Fire girl. [looks around] Too soon?\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.\nToby: Michael, we are only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We can not ask her to stop drinking.\nMichael: I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.\nMeredith: I'm not an alcoholic.\nMichael: Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. [everyone raises their hand]\nDwight: Aye.\nMichael: The aye's have it.\nMeredith: I don't care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic.\nMichael: Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? [pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket]\nAndy: When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.\nMichael: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?\nMeredith: Sure.\nMichael: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?\nMeredith: Obviously.\nMichael: Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?\nOscar: Where did you get this?\nMichael: I got it on a website, that's not important.\nToby: Michael, We should contact some experts. You don't know what your doing.\nMichael: Okay, you know what Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man. Hey, are you texting?\nKelly: Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag.\nMichael: Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better. [Kevin raises his hand] Yes, Kevin.\nKevin: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.\nMichael: That's- you didn't- you weren't hurt by that.\nKevin: Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith.\nMeredith: You're welcome.\nMichael: Okay, no, that's not what we're going for. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Dwight, don't you have anything?\nDwight: No, I like Meredith.\nDwight: Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. [holds up his fist] Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.\nMichael: Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?\nMeredith: I am fine.\nMichael: Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey- come here. If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do.\nMeredith: I know I drink. I like to party\nMichael: I want you to say I'm an alcoholic.\nMeredith: I am not an alcoholic!\nMichael: You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you.\nPhyllis: I was waiting until later to hand out this years gifts from corporate. [holds up shot glass] I don't think they're appropriate anymore.\nAngela: Please stop making me do these things.\nPhyllis: Oh, sorry, it's your job.\nAngela: But it's the season of mercy.\nPhyllis: You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet?\nAngela: I lost it. [Phyllis glares at her until Angela pulls out the hairnet and puts it on]\nPhyllis: Ok... nice.\nMeredith: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.\nMichael: [amid groans from the rest of the office] Alright, no, no, no. No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting. But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow.? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?\nDwight: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.\nDwight: There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.\nMichael: Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out.\nDwight: Oh, as fire marshal I would have to.\nMichael: Dwight-\nDwight: She is a hazard to the other people of the office.\nMichael: [sighs]...okay.\nDwight: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.\nJim: Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that.\nDwight: Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks.\nCreed: I can get you one in an hour.\nDwight: Really?\nToby: Okay you know, this- this is over.\nStanley: I agree.\nJim: Michael, I think... you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us.\nMichael: Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler. It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help.\nMichael: You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. I- a watch would be nice.\nJim: [watching Meredith and Michael talk in his office] They've been in there for 45 minutes.\nPam: I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now. [Jim laughs]\nPhyllis: That's a halwa shabkia cookie. They serve it during Ramadan. [Angela spits her cookie out]\nStanley: Mmmm... chewy.\nJim: [Andy playing the sitar] Hey.\nAndy: What's up?\nJim: Do you take requests?\nAndy: Sure.\nJim: Please stop. People are having a Christmas party.\nMichael: [whispers to Meredith] I'll be down in a minute. [walks over to Toby] Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?\nToby: Sure. Wow. [Michael throws a pen at his head] Ow...\nMeredith: We just missed Poor Richards.\nMichael: We did?\nMeredith: Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink?\nMichael: Oh, shoot. Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess.\nMeredith: The Bog? Cooper's, Kelly's...\nMichael: We could go there, sure.\nMeredith: ...Brixx's, Carmen's...\nMichael: Yes, yes.\nMeredith: ...The Fort, Andy Gavin's.\nMichael: I have a new place.\nMeredith: Well, it must have just opened up.\nMichael: It- yep, recently.\nMeredith: Yeah... all right.\nMichael: All right.\nMeredith: Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music. [changes radio station] Yeah!\nMichael: Yeah, oh there you go.\nMeredith: Yeah!\nMichael: That's good.\nMeredith: Yeah that's better.\nMichael: We're party girls.\nToby: [on phone] Hey Sasha, it's daddy. Have you ever heard of this doll , Princess Unicorn?\nSasha: [shouting excitedly over the phone] Daddy, daddy, daddy!!\nToby: No, No, No. No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it.\nToby: This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed. [chuckles] For once daddy's gonna be a hero.\nDwight: $200.00\nDarryl: Yo.\nToby: Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls.\nDwight: Oh, that's my last one.\nToby: Oh, no, I- no, no, I was gonna buy that doll.\nDarryl: Thanks man.\nToby: I was- I was gonna get the doll.\nDwight: Not my problem.\nToby: But I- I promised my daughter. Darryl, look- I- I need the doll, I need the doll. I- I'm- I'm begging you. I just- I need it more than anything in this world. I need this doll. Darryl, man I need this doll.\nDarryl: All right man, don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for $400.\nToby: I only have $200.\nDarryl: You can owe me.\nToby: [laughs] Oh man, thanks, thank you, [tearing up] thank you, thank you.\nDarryl: I know, right. Merry Christmas.\nToby: Oh thanks. She's gonna... [notices the doll is black] oh...\nDarryl: Something wrong with the doll?\nToby: No. It's even- it's even better than the one I wanted.\nMeredith: Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way!\nMichael: It's okay. It's all right.\nMeredith: No way! There is no way! No way!\nMichael: Meredith, we are doing this for your own good. Okay. Come on-\nMeredith: No way! No way! There is no way!\nMichael: Here we go. This is gonna be good.\nMeredith: No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there!\nMichael: Yes you are. [tries to pull Meredith from the car]\nMeredith: I am not going in there! NO!!\nMeredith: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait!\nMichael: Shhh... just calm down.\nMeredith: [runs away] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No!\nMichael: [chasing Meredith] Come on. Shh...\nMeredith: No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!\nMichael: Here's the door. Here's the door.\nMeredith: There is no way! There is no way! No! No!\nMichael: [dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center] Let's start meeting- Hello. How are you?\nMeredith: This man is crazy! This man is crazy!\nRehab Nurse: Can I help you?\nMichael: I have a deposit. Alcoholic.\nMeredith: No! No! No! No! No!\nMichael: So do I sign?\nMeredith: NO!!!\nPhyllis: I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.\nAngela: It's outside.\nPhyllis: I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be.\nAngela: Shut up.\nPhyllis: Excuse me?\nAngela: I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree.\nPhyllis: Okay. [starts to walk away, then turns around] Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party.\nDwight: Well don't look so surprised.\nPam: I knew it.\nJim: You did not know it.\nPam: I knew some of it.\nJim: Everyone knew some of it.\nPam: It's Christmas.\nJim: You knew it.\nPam: Thank you. I knew it.\nJim: She knew it.\nMichael: As it turns out you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um... I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.\nAndy: All right, everybody's still here. Perfect! Got a little surprise I've been working on. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you Christmas cheer. [sings] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-LA. Troll the little Yule tide carol. Roo-di-di-di-do. Roododododo. [laughs]\nAngela: I think I'd like to go home now.\nAndy: Sure. Dooo. Tough room. [chuckles] Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."}
{"text": "Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?\nMichael: [heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!\nPam: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.\nDwight: [yelling as he runs past the radar gun] Aah!\nPhyllis: Wow, thirteen!\nDwight: Yes!\nMichael: No. No, no. There was wind.\nDwight: I was just jogging.\nMichael: Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.\nJim: No, no, no, it's not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead.\nMichael: I want another try. Here we go! [Michael runs past the radar as a car passes] Thirty-one! Thirty-one!\nStanley: There was a car.\nMichael: I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.\nOscar: Thirty-one is humanly impossible.\nMichael: Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number.\nOscar: That's impossible.\nMichael: Beat it!\nMichael: Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [in an authoritative voice] Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. [in normal voice] He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad.\nPam: Quick announcement: new year, new candy.\nKevin: Whoo-hoo!\nPam: Okay, be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy.\nKevin: Hot tamales.\nPam: Yeah.\nKevin: Uh oh.\nPam: So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more...\nAndy: [entering the office] Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It's kind of the elephant in the room, so I'll just... [sighs] No one has RSVP'ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.\nMichael: Wait, you still don't know...\nJim: [getting up quickly to silence Michael] No, no. Nope.\nAndy: Hmm?\nJim: Nothing.\nMichael: You still don't know.\nJim: Why don't... Let's...\nMichael: [to Jim] What are you doing?\nJim: How about we just... Just have to talk to you for a second...\nMichael: Andy.\nJim: Ahh! [ushers Michael into his office]\nAndy: No, no one has RSVP'ed, and I don't understand it, and now, you're shutting me out. You're not even listening. That's really considerate. Thank you.\nMichael: [from inside his office] No, what I'm saying is...\nJim: No, no.\nMichael: No, that's not it.\nJim: I know.\nJim: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward.\nMichael: [sighs] How can he still not know?\nJim: We can't figure that out.\nMichael: I can't take it anymore.\nDwight: Wait, what? You can't take what?\nMichael: I am telling Andy.\nDwight: No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you.\nMichael: Who should it come from, then?\nEveryone: [simultaneously] Angela.\nMichael: [to Dwight] Are you still having intercourse with her? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes']\nOscar: What is wrong with you? She is engaged.\nMichael: Did you ever have intercourse in this office? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes']\nOscar: Are you serious? Ugh. Where? [Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully] Where? [Dwight's expression implies 'at your desk'; Oscar's voice breaks] Where, Dwight?\nDwight: [coolly] Seems like you already know where.\nAngela: Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top.\nKevin: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it, and stopped right away.\nAngela: That's enough.\nKevin: Because I wouldn't want an innocent person, who doesn't know anything about the form... [Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar] What?\nOscar: That was good... It's just, at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form.\nKevin: How about, 'I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?'\nOscar: There you go.\nAndy: [on the phone] That cannot be true! [Dwight jumps] You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, I want to cut it myself...\nDwight: [whispering to Jim] Trade seats with me.\nJim: No.\nDwight: I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.\nJim: Please stop.\nDwight: [grabs a spoon from Jim's coffee cup and checks behind him with it] I need a soup spoon.\nDwight: Rule 17: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. [sings] Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep. [makes chomping sound]\nDwight: [moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention]\nAngela: What is it?\nDwight: You've got to tell Andy about us.\nAngela: That is a terrible idea. One of your worst.\nDwight: Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore.\nAngela: You're expanding on your worst idea.\nDwight: Do you love me or not?\nAngela: I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?\nDwight: Because you're engaged to Andy.\nAngela: [sighs]\nMichael: Well?\nDwight: Not yet.\nJim: When?\nAndy: When what? [clears throat] When what?\nMichael: You know this can't go on.\nAndy: What can't go on?\nMichael: We have to put an end to this.\nAndy: Seems like...\nMichael: Come on. [Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office]\nAndy: You guys should... be hearing what I'm saying.\nJim: This is really not how this is supposed to happen.\nDwight: Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready.\nMichael: When will she be ready?\nDwight: I don't know.\nMichael: Is she crazy in bed?\nDwight: [boastfully] Yes.\nJim: Stop. What?\nMichael: How so, specifically?\nJim: Okay, listen.\nDwight: Eager.\nJim: This shouldn't happen at work.\nDwight: And flexible.\nJim: And!\nMichael: Really?\nJim: This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue.\nMichael: It's too late.\nJim: Well it's not too late, because you haven't done anything.\nMichael: I am already walking.\nDwight: Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down.\nMichael: Okay, what does that mean?\nDwight: Might get ugly.\nMichael: [sighs] Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it.\nJim: But you're leaving...\nDwight: [to Michael, who opens the door to leave] Have a good trip.\nMichael: Thanks. [to Andy] Andy?\nAndy: Yeah.\nMichael: Walk with me.\nAndy: Will do, boss-man.\nMichael: Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear...\nAndy: You're not making any sense.\nMichael: Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.\nAndy: All righty.\nMichael: Which will be fine. I am off!\nAndy: Have a good meeting!\nMichael: Thank you! [gets into his car]\nAndy: [through the car window] Kick Wallace's ass!\nMichael: [through the car window] Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so...\nAndy: I can't hear you through the glass\nMichael: [rolls down car window] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.\nAndy: What?\nMichael: All right. See you later. [backs out of the parking space] Ahh.\nAndy: Are you serious?\nMichael: Yep. [drives off]\nMeredith: I knew something bad was gonna happen today.\nOscar: You said that yesterday.\nMeredith: Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.\nJim: [to Dwight] What are you standing for?\nDwight: If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin.\nJim: You're not going to do anything to his neck or his groin.\nDwight: If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to.\nJim: Dwight, I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit...\nAndy: [enters the office and walks to Angela] I need to talk to you.\nAngela: We can talk right here.\nAndy: I need to talk to you in private.\nKevin: We're not listening.\nAndy: Let's go to the conference room.\nAndy: Is it true?\nAngela: What have you heard?\nAndy: That you're sleeping with Dwight.\nAngela: That doesn't sound like me.\nAndy: Is it true?\nAngela: Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake...\nAndy: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?\nAngela: A little bit.\nAndy: How long has it been going on?\nAngela: I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and... I don't know exactly when we started up again.\nAndy: Who else knows about it?\nAngela: Michael.\nAndy: Who else?\nAngela: [quietly] Let me think about it... I, um... there... [Andy looks over to see everyone watching them]\nAndy: Oh God. Come on!\nDavid: So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right?\nMichael: Right what?\nDavid: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. [Michael smiles] Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing... is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is.\nMichael: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.\nMichael: Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.\nMichael: This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.\nDavid: Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time.\nMichael: [pokes his head in] Hey, what say we order up some pasta?\nDavid: What say we do.\nAngela: Standard, you know? Nothing fancy.\nAndy: So like, missionary...\nAngela: I said nothing fancy.\nAndy: Do you love him?\nAngela: I love you.\nAndy: Why should I believe that?\nAngela: Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we're not good together.\nAndy: Who says that?\nAngela: Or, we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong.\nAndy: Where's Dwight?\nJim: You okay, man?\nAndy: No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time.\nCreed: You are welcome.\nAndy: [Dwight enters] Dwight.\nDwight: Andy.\nAndy: It's over.\nDwight: Oh good. She broke up with you.\nAndy: No. It's over between you two.\nDwight: Uh, no way. I am not giving up.\nAndy: You have to.\nDwight: No I don't.\nAndy: [forcefully] She doesn't love you. She's marrying me.\nDwight: [angrier] Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.\nAndy: Angela Bernard.\nDwight: Will never be her name.\nAndy: It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!\nDwight: I don't think so.\nJim: Hey guys, why don't we, uh, just cool off a bit?\nAndy: I'm telling you to back down.\nDwight: And I'm telling you that I will never back down.\nAndy: Then I'll make you.\nDwight: Oh really? How are you gonna do that?\nAndy: Through the use of force.\nDwight: That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.\nAndy: I will fight you.\nJim: Nope.\nDwight: Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela.\nAndy: Fine!\nDwight: Fine!\nOscar: This is nuts.\nDwight: What is your weapon?\nJim: Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because...\nDwight: Hey, this is none of your business.\nJim: Hey. It is my business when it happens at work.\nAndy: Guess what? Not happening at work.\nDwight: Yes!\nAndy: We're gonna do it outside.\nDwight: Outside of work.\nAndy: None of your business.\nDwight: None of your business then. [Dwight and Andy high five] Good. So what weapon?\nAndy: My bare hands.\nDwight: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.\nAndy: Then I'll get something too.\nMeredith: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.\nPam: Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.\nAngela: [thinks for a moment] I will respect the results of the duel.\nPam: Of course you will.\nMeredith: I call loser!\nAndy: I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.\nDwight: I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.\nAndy: [softly] What a coincidence.\nDwight: Mm.\nJim: So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.\nJim: [collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe]\nDwight: [innocently] How'd that get there?\nMeredith: There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.\nJim: Thanks Meredith.\nMichael: So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, 'Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?' And he looks at me and he says, 'Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket.' And I look back at him and I say, 'I feel the need!... The need for tweed.'\nDavid: It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. [gets up] And thanks for coming in.\nMichael: [rises] Oh, thank you.\nDavid: Yes.\nMichael: I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.\nDavid: Yeah.\nMichael: Okay. [sits back down to continue eating]\nDavid: [opens his office door] Yeah, finish up.\nDwight: [shouting] Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out!\nAngela: [watching from the conference room] I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.\nKelly: I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.\nDwight: Come on!\nMeredith: Hey, has anything happened yet?\nDwight: Where are you?\nOscar: Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show.\nKevin: Oh come on, man! Believe in something.\nDwight: Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... [spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it] 'From the desk of Andrew Bernard.' [scoffs] A note. Pathetic. 'Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.' True. 'The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly...' [as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly]\nKelly: There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing?\nPhyllis: Why isn't Dwight turning around?\nOscar: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.\nCreed: Yeah.\nDwight: [still reading] Alas, after much consideration and deliberation...\nPam: Oh my God!\nStanley: What's happening?\nPhyllis: Andy's running over Dwight with his car.\nDwight: Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!\nAndy: Yeah.\nEveryone watching: Oh!\nDwight: Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!\nAndy: You give up?\nDwight: Never! [hits Andy's car with his bike chain] Get out and face me like a man!\nAndy: I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!\nDwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! [hits his car with the bike chain] All you do is dress fancy and sing. [imitating Andy] 'La la la la la la la la la la!' What does that mean? You can't even protect her!\nAndy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?\nDwight: Last year, idiot! [hits his car with the bike chain]\nJim: Dwight! Are your legs broken?\nDwight: No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit.\nJim: Andy, are you all right?\nAndy: Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this!\nDwight: Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? [hits his car with the bike chain] Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! [hits his car with the bike chain]\nAndy: What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.\nDwight: I sa- [Andy honks his horn]\nAndy: What? You stupid idiot! [Andy honks his horn] You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods...\nDwight: Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!\nAndy: I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?\nDwight: What?\nAndy: What!\nDwight: She's sleeping with you?\nAndy: I'm her fiance.\nDwight: She said she was only sleeping with me.\nAndy: [enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call] Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one.\nDwight: [picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can]\nAndy: Thank you. [hangs up]\nMichael: Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. [sighs] Ahh!\nDwight: [as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over]"}
{"text": "Dwight: What's this?\nJim: Looks like a red wire.\nDwight: Hmm. It wasn't here before.\nJim: Well it's a computer Dwight, computers have wires.\nDwight: Yours doesn't.\nJim: Doesn't it?\nDwight: No, it's going in a different direction then the other wires.\nJim: Dwight, I am really busy, I can't talk about this anymore. [Dwight follows red cord through office past Phyllis' and Stanley's desks]\nPhyllis: Dwight, get out of here!\nStanley: What are you doing?\nJim: I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. [behind Jim, Dwight climbs telephone pole] Oh he'll be fine. I made it up there.\nMichael: What you talking bout, Wallace? [imitating What you talking bout Willis]\nDavid: Hi Michael how are you?\nMichael: Hi, I am well, how are you?\nDavid: So listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job.\nMichael: Oh, have you not?\nDavid: Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor [Michael makes exaggerated oh-my-gosh face at camera]. There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook, where we have never done any business.\nMichael: Yeah.\nDavid: There is a small company there, Prince Paper. I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. But we have been talking about going after their market, so I was hoping you could do some fact finding for me.\nMichael: Okay.\nDavid: I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for.\nMichael: Fax, why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?\nDavid: Look, this is important, Michael.\nMichael: Oh, well, then, email it to me.\nPhyllis: You've got no taste Stanley Hudson.\nStanley: Oh, I do.\nAndy: What are you guys talking about?\nStanley: Some actress, whether shes hot.\nAndy: Who is the gal in question?\nPhyllis: Hillary Swank.\nCreed: Ah, Hillary Swank.\nKevin: [most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank, judging her hotness] Not at all.\nMeredith: She's got mean eyes.\nPam: Have you seen her with her bangs?\nKevin: She looks like a monster.\nJim: Guys, she is a beautiful movie star, so maybe we should just go to work.\nMeredith: She is an amazing actress.\nKevin: That is not the question.\nPhyllis: She's not hot.\nKevin: Yeah, thank you Phyllis.\nJim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.\nAngela: I'm not voting.\nJim: [snaps back] No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot, raise your hand. [half of office raises hand] Okay, and who thinks Hillary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. [other half of office raises hand]\nKevin: [counting votes] Five. Five to five.\nJim: Thank you, accounting department.\nKevin: So what do we do now?\nDwight: [riding in car with Michael] What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?\nMichael: I will seduce her.\nDwight: No, I wanna seduce her.\nMichael: No, I will seduce her.\nDwight: Please Michael, please.\nMichael: No, I got it.\nDwight: You'll fall in love with her.\nMichael: Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support.\nDwight: Okay, let's go over the plan again.\nMichael: Alright, I am a local business owner. [Dwight nods along] I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies\nDwight: Your fictitious name?\nMichael: Michael Scarn.\nDwight: I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: Then we meet at the Denny's...\nMichael: [interrupting] No.\nDwight: ...and then we compare notes.\nMichael: No, no, I never said Denny's. IHOP.\nDwight: No! [arguing over each other]\nDwight: You know how I feel about IHOP.\nMichael: Oh, don't start,\nDwight: Are you socialist?\nMichael: You know what? I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.\nDwight: I'll have a cup of a coffee.\nMichael: You will have pancakes and you'll like it.\nDwight: Store only has three employees.\nMichael: So what?\nDwight: It means they are not expanding.\nMichael: Maybe they are shrinking.\nDwight: No.\nMichael: They could be shrinking.\nDwight: No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.\nMichael: Ah ha [popping something in his mouth] Yup.\nDwight: [spying through binoculars] Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch.\nMichael: Mm hmm .\nDwight: Which Means they're not acquiring new business. So once again no growth.\nMichael: And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business.\nDwight: Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus.\nMichael: Argh, why are you all...\nDwight: Get your clouds right.\nMichael: Shut up.\nDwight: So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. [Michael licks lips] No, no like this. [Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips] Good.\nMichael: Ready to do this?\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: Good. Here come the sharks. [they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead]\nMichael: In nature, there is something called a food chain; it's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business.\nMichael: Hello.\nEntire Prince family: Hello, hi.\nMichael: My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company.\nPrince Grandfather: Oh, please come in\nMichael: Thank you.\nPrince Grandfather: What kind of business are you in.\nMichael: We are a law firm.\nPrince Grandfather: I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office.\nMichael: You know, I will be honest with you... about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn't feel like a priority. So I guess my question [reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it] for you would be [reading off sheet] how many clients do you have?\nPrince Grandfather: About 80.\nMichael: Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation.\nPrince Grandfather: It's just me, my wife and my son.\nMichael: Ah, so when did you set up shop?\nPrince Grandfather: I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.\nMichael: Oh Vietnam, I hear it's lovely .\nPrince Grandfather: [muted] Mmhmm. [shrugs]\nAndy: Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic: Hillary Swank is attractive.\nEntire office: Hot!\nKevin: The debate is whether she is hot.\nStanley: What difference does it make? Attractive, beautiful, hot, we're talking about the same thing here.\nKevin: Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting.\nAndy: Okay, TMI.\nMichael: So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?\nPrince Grandfather: You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.\nMichael: Well that is... because... I am a genius.\nPrince Grandfather: Oh really?\nMichael: Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? [picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion] Is this the cup? [picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion] Is this what I drink out of? [glug noise, both laugh] Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession.\nDwight: Hello, I would like to apply for a job.\nPrince Grandfather: Hi, I'm afraid we're not hiring right now.\nDwight: Why don't you just get rid of this guy? [points to Prince Son]\nPrince Grandfather: That's my son.\nDwight: I'm your son now; you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute, I'm a paper salesman at a second tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I'm the top salesman there and I'm looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what, 40 high full volume clients?\nMichael: Try 80.\nDwight: Pshaw, that's nothing. I've 90 clients myself. You had better look out, someone might run you out of business.\nPrince Grandfather: I sure hope not.\nDwight: Me too. [smirking]\nJim: I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures, you know? We don't really see them as real so therefore we don't judge them as real people.\nKevin: Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture.\nOscar: Kevin, c'mon.\nKelly: Yeah, shut up Kevin.\nKevin: He's making all these fancy, uh, it's a gut thing.\nJim: Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes? Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you [in a more and more seductive voice] and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? [Kevin gets up to join the 'hot' team to their great joy] Does that end the debate?\nKevin: [Kevin sits down, gets right back up and heads back to 'not hot' team] No, it's is she hot, not would you do her. Respect the game.\nAngela: Oh my God.\nJim : [fingers opened an inch] This close.\nPrince: Grandfather: So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?\nDwight: My boss, his insensitivity might border on cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs his underlings. [Michael takes offense and charges over]\nMichael: Hey, hey, how is your interview going?\nDwight: It's going very well.\nMichael: Don't blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you?\nLinda: You want a picture of me?\nMichael: I would, could you just stand over here? That would be great [positioning her towards sign of Prince Family Paper customers] Just a little something to remember the trip by. A little to your left [positions Linda to get better picture]\nLinda: Can I get a copy of that?\nPrince Granddaughter: Grandma, I can't do this.\nMichael: What's going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh, math, that's not so hard. Ok. There are 4 of these, ignore the parenthesis, right?\nPrince Granddaughter: Right.\nMichael: Why is this little 2 so small? It's, it's weird, you don't, you just go by the x. The x means times. 4 times x 2. What is double 4?\nPrince Granddaughter: 8\nMichael: Excellent! Way to go! Nice! [Michael and granddaughter Prince exchange high fives]\nPrince Grandmother: Don't put that. [granddaughter Prince erases and corrects answer]\nKevin: Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy.\nPam: [disapprovingly] Kevin!\nAngela: Ok, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don't even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she's hot, she's hot as heck, she's a female Boris Becker.\nJim: OH! [the 'yes she's hot team' claps]\nMichael: Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision.\nPrince Grandfather: Wait; let me get something for you. Here is some, some references. Here is a list of references, our top clients. You call any of them; I trust you will hear some good things.\nMichael: I... Okay, okay, okay, [in disbelief] alright, thank you. [heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal]\nDwight: [both making make out lips at each other] Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car.\nMichael: Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.\nDwight: Thank you very much.\nMichael: I cannot wait to contact your clients.\nDwight: Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls. [hurrying out door]\nPrince Grandfather: Bye bye now. So long.\nDwight and Michael: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. [running out door]\nMichael: Haha, we struck the mother load!\nDwight: Cmon.\nMichael: Wallace is going to freak.\nDwight: All their top clients I can't believe it.\nMichael: He's going to absolutely freak.\nDwight: Someone's looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. [car hits front divider, screeching]\nMichael: Oh shoot.\nDwight: You drove over that. Go back [car hits divider, screeching]\nMichael: Oh God, what was that?\nDwight: That's not good.\nKelly: No, no, no no. Shes hot, okay? Because if you are saying Hillary Swank isn't hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously I am not as hot as Hillary Swank! [Kelly runs away in tears]\nDwight: Oh my God.\nMichael: Aw, it's alright.\nDwight: Oh man,\nMichael: Aw, my car.\nDwight: Not good.\nPrince Grandfather: Is everyone okay?\nPrince Grandmother: It sounded bad.\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: No no, we are fine. You have done enough already.\nDwight: You've done more then you can possibly know.\nMichael: Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so...\nPrince Grandfather: A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look.\nMichael: No, no, really not necessary.\nDwight: He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the..\nPrince Grandfather: I'll be right back I'm just going to grab my tool box.\nPam: Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full internet access.\nKevin: [surprised] Wait, what?\nOscar: See that, the obvious symmetry of the face? That's a natural appeal of the scientific standard of coin aphelia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she is attractive, but is not hot.\nDwight: How much longer is this going to take?\nMichael: You know let me give you some money for this.\nPrince Son: No, I work at a desk all day, its nice working with my hands.\nMichael: Oh coffee, that's too much. [Dwight drinks it]\nDwight: This is disgusting, what is it this, instant?\nPrince Grandfather: Well that outta do it. [bumper is heavily duct taped to the car]\nPrince Granddaughter: Its all better.\nMichael: Thank you.\nPrince Grandfather: Gosh, well so long. [they exchange byes]\nDwight: I look forward to hearing from you about that job application.\nMichael: Ok, goodbye Prince Family.\nDwight: Goodbye prince family, [to Michael] should be called the Sucker family. Here you go shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it. [Dwight laughs evilly, Michael seems remorseful] Bye bye.\nDwight: [punches Michael on the arm, beckons to Michael for high five, does not get it, high fives himself, smiles contently]\nJim: [entire office is chatting] I'm saying, all I'm saying is Kevin is not necessarily a feminist, is all I'm saying.\nPam: No, because... [Dwight and Michael walk in and march into Michael's office, silencing the conversation]\nMichael: Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information?\nDwight: Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them.\nMichael: Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine.\nDwight: They could do better.\nMichael: Why don't we just, live and let live?\nDwight: What?\nMichael: Live and let live.\nDwight: I'm not familiar with that expression,\nMichael: It's from James Bond.\nDwight: It doesn't make sense, of course I'm alive.\nMichael: I'm not going to make this call.\nDwight: Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?\nMichael: My heart says...\nDwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.\nMichael: That is true.\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times.\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: Jan... Ryan.\nDwight: Yeah, save your heart for love, and use your brain for business, right? If we don't do this to prince paper, someone else will. Worse yet, someone else will do it to us.\nStanley: I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got what, 20 or 30 years left. And my family history says I have less. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found something wrong this actress. But that is no way to live life. Look at this healthy sexy pretty strong young woman. C'mon people! She is hot.\nDwight: There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.\nMichael: You're right.\nDwight: Yeah.\nMichael: You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info.\nDwight: Good, so, [Michael takes client list and heads out of office] where are you going?\nMichael: Just something I have to do first.\nDwight: Where are you taking the client list?\nMichael: Somewhere safe, where it can't hurt anyone [starts running, Dwight follows]\nDwight: Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don't do this. No. [chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot]\nMichael: Oh shoot! [gets to his car turns around]\nDwight: Freeze, give me the list! [still chasing him back into office where Michael grabs his car keys from his desk and heads back to parking lot]\nDwight: No no no, I can't let you do this!\nMichael: Those people will be ruined. [runs out back door]\nDwight: Its business, not personal. [they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael]\nMichael: Give it, give it. We can't do this to those people.\nDwight: Its over, Michael, its over. [holding list of clients up]\nMichael: Im not a shark.\nAndy: Okay, it is time for the final votes. All of those in favor of resolution Hillary Swank is hot? [half of office raises hand] Okay. And all those opposed? [he skips back and joins other half of office in raising hand]\nKevin: This is ridiculous.\nOscar: That's the thing about debating, you're just going to get people more entrenched in the view they had in the first place. [two sides of the debate start arguing]\nDavid: This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal.\nMichael: [pained] Mpfh.\nDavid: Good work.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDavid: Look I'll be in touch, thanks buddy.\nMichael: Okay, bye bye.\nDwight: Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy?\nMichael: I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping?\nMichael: Oh, hey what is this?\nPam: Hillary swank.\nMichael: Oh, she is hot. ['Hillary Swank is hot' supporters cheer]"}
{"text": "Dwight: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid]\nDwight: [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky?\nAngela: Did you bring your jerky in again?\nDwight: [clears throat]\nPam: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!\nPhyllis: What-\nAndy: Whoa, fire!\nDwight: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people?\nPam: The phones are dead.\nDwight: Oh, how did that happen?\nKevin: It's out in the hall.\nDwight: No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.\nMichael: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.\nDwight: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?\nMichael: Stay [bleep] calm!\nDwight: Wait, wait, wait.\nMichael: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!\nDwight: No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.\nMichael: What does warm mean?\nEveryone: [groaning] Oh my God.\nDwight: Not a viable option.\nPam: Try a different door.\nDwight: Okay, what's next?\nMichael: Don't run.\nDwight: Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?\nAndy: It- it's warm.\nDwight: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once]\nJim: Back door.\nDwight: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!\nPhyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse.\nStanley: Leave it woman!\nMichael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go!\nDwight: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can...\nOscar: Ah! My hand! That's hot!\nAndy: Aah! This ones hot too!\nMichael: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself.\nDwight: Okay, let's go.\nEveryone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!\nDwight: Calm, please\nAndy: Get out of the way!\nDwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim?\nAndy: Move it!\nDwight: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha- Use a what to cover the mouth?\nAngela: [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It's okay. Shh shhh.\nDwight: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.\nAngela: Oscar.\nDwight: What's next?\nAngela: Oscar!\nOscar: Stay alive! I'm getting help!\nAngela: Pull me up!\nOscar: You're too heavy!\nAngela: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh- save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!\nDwight: How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.]\nPam: What do we do?\nDwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.\nJim: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping]\nAngela: What is that? What is that?\nAndy: The fire's shooting at us!\nPhyllis: What in the name of God is going on?!\nAndy: Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!\nPhyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! [Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling]\nAndy: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine]\nMichael: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!\nStanley: I'm about to die!\nDwight: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.\nJim: What?!\nDwight: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.\nMichael: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.\nJim: No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!\nMichael: He's going to swallow is tongue.\nJim: No. Michael. Michael.\nMichael: Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it.\nJim: [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!\nMichael: Leave me al-\nAndy: You're choking him!\nMichael: Saving him!\nDavid Wallace: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?\nDwight: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.\nMichael: Electricity.\nDwight: Shampoo.\nDavid Wallace: You could have burned down the whole building.\nDwight: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.\nLawyer: Did you shout, 'Fire!', causing a panic?\nDwight: Yes I shouted 'fire!'. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what- heeded-\nMichael: Hed. Hedded\nDwight: When no one hedded-\nMichael: Take hedded of.\nDwight: N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.\nMichael: Heed. Heed.\nDwight: So, you-\nMichael: Take heed of.\nDwight: And, well, I don't see my co-workers-\nMichael: Take heed of.\nDwight: Hee-heeding this right now.\nLawyer: Wh-what?\nMichael: Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.\nDavid Wallace: No, we are mad.\nMichael: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.\nDavid Wallace: No, we're not.\nMichael: I am not a mind reader, David.\nDavid: Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.\nMichel: Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.\nDwight: No.\nMichael: And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like.\nDwight: PETA.\nDavid Wallace: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?\nMichael: Do you?\nDavid Wallace: Michael?\nMichael: You talking to me?\nDavid Wallace: Yeah.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?\nMichael: [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands.\nDwight: Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.\nMichael: That's not gonna happen. I'm taking over as safety man.\nDwight: What? You?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Come on.\nMichael: I'm a smart guy. I'll figure it out.\nDwight: That's preposterous.\nMichael: No, I will.\nMichael: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, 'Oh, this is the place that I might die today.' That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.\nMichael: Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley.\nStanley: Thank you, Michael.\nStanley: It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people...\nStanley: [flashback] Not maybe. Yes or no.\nStanley: [flashback] No way. Uh-uh.\nStanley: [flashback] Are you from another planet?\nStanley: [flashback] Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it.\nStanley: [flashback] Did I stutter?\nStanley: [flashback] I'm done. Goodbye.\nStanley: But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die.\nMichael: Andy.\nAndy: [in a British accent] A throne for your highness.\nStanley: I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.\nMichael: No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.\nStanley: I'm going to die.\nCPR trainer: A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for... airway, breathing and circulation.\nMichael: Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means 'always be closing.'\nDwight: This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.\nMichael: Shut it. Shut it.\nMichael: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.\nKevin: [giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can't keep doing this forever.\nCPR Trainer: It's been 20 seconds.\nKevin: Call it.\nCPR Trainer: Would you like to try next?\nDwight: Absolutely I would not.\nMichael: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.\nStanley: Oh, I don't know.\nPhyllis: That's not a good idea, Michael.\nMichael: Come on.\nPhyllis: He needs to rest.\nMichael: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?\nStanley: I would die.\nMichael: And you're okay with that?\nStanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.\nMichael: Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this.\nStanley: Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.\nMichael: Come on Stanley. You're losing you. You're losing you. Do it!\nAngela: Michael!\nMichael: This is you we're talking about.\nAngela: Michael.\nMichael: Okay, okay. I'll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley. All right.\nCPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?\nMichael: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.\nRose: No, that's not part of it.\nMichael: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?\nKevin: I would want to live with no legs.\nMichael: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.\nRose: All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .\nMichael: okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?\nJim: How's that gonna help you?\nMichael: I will divide and then count to it.\nJim: Right.\nRose: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?\nMichael: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified.\nRose: No, it's-Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.\nMichael: Okay, I got it.\nCreed: [to Rose] You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you.\nMichael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.\nMichael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah...\nAndy: Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, [Michael and Kelly join in] you can look the other way. Loo do do!\nRose: Okay!\nAndy: Da, da, da, da, da, da, da\nRose: Okay!\nEveryone: [muttering] Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.\nRose: Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.\nDwight: Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?\nRose: I have no idea.\nDwight: Anyone else?\nPhyllis: We bury him?\nDwight: Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.\nCreed: He has no wallet, I checked.\nMichael: He is an organ donor.\nDwight: He is.\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go.\nAngela: Oh my God! Dwight!\nKelly: Dwight!\nAngela: What are you- [people are yelling] What are you doing?\nDwight: We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart.\nStanley: I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.\nMichael: Hey, Stanley.\nAndy: Stanley.\nMichael: Are you okay?\nAngela: Oh my God! [Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own]\nStanley: Oh my God!\nAngela: Dwight!\nDwight: Clarice?\nStanley: Oh my God!\nDavid Wallace: Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?\nDwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.\nDavid Wallace: We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.\nMichael: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?\nDwight: Wow.\nMichael: Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.\nAndy: Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds] Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.\nPam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.\nJim: And we don't know how.\nPam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.\nJim: Punishment fits the crime.\nJessica Alba: [movie] I want you to meet my nana. Nana...\nLily: Mmmhmm...\nJessica Alba: This is Sam.\nSam: Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.\nLily: Please- Call me Lily. [light chuckle] Let's play Bridge. You can be my partner.\nSam: Alright... Lily.\nJim: [after Pam checks her cell phone] What's going on?\nJim: Uh, no one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage.\nPam: My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe.\nPam: He's not saying what he needs to say.\nAndy: Hmm? Who? Sam?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then-\nAndy: Hmm.\nAndy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.\nMichael: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?\nDwight: I have.\nMichael: Let's hear it.\nDwight: [clears throat] 'I state my regret.'\nJim: You couldn't of memorized that?\nDwight: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.\nPhyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.\nDwight: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!\nPam: Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom.\nLily: [movie] I'm in here.\nSam: I uh, I'm sorry I didn't uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?\nLily: I want you to stay.\nJim: Gimme a break.\nAndy: I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite.\nSam: [movie] Get that in there. Oh yeah.\nLily: Get that done already.\nSam: I know but if I get it in deeper...\nJim: [to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast.\nAndy: Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?\nPam: So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance?\nAndy: You guys, they're making out.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?\nJim: Mmm... nope, we mostly just talked about cereal.\nPam: [sighs]\nJim: What?\nPam: I dunno. I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of this stuff 'cause he can't really talk to me about it.\nJim: Mmm...\nPam: You're good to talk to.\nJim: [laughs] I'm ok, I'm not, great, and um... [nods]\nMichael: [in a monk-impression tone] Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. [Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael] Ohmmm my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm...\nMichael: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...\nMichael: [everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand] It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.\nJim: Don't open your eyes.\nPam: What? [opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh...\nMichael: And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.\nMeredith: Chunky monkey.\nMichael: Too expensive.\nStanley: Chocolate.\nMichael: Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.\nStanley: It's my bio-feedback machine..\nMichael: Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?\nStanley: It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.\nMichael: You have stress?\nStanley: Yes...\nMichael: During our relaxation exercise?\nPhyllis: Let me get you some water.\nMichael: No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go.\nStanley: No, Michael, No. [beeping speeds up]\nMichael: Let me getcha.\nStanley: Would ya, would ya step back please\nMichael: Ok, alright.\nStanley: Please. A little further.\nMichael: Ok. [beeping slows down]\nStanley: That's better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again]\nMichael: Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley's monitor now] Let's give this a shot.\nMichael: Hellloo... [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer]\nKevin: Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out.\nMichael: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say?\nPam: What did you say to my dad?\nJim: What?\nPam: After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment.\nJim: Oh my God. Pam, I don't know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I'm so sorry, I don't know. I'll call him again. [Pam rolls her eyes and walks away]\nJim: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents...\nPam: What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?\nMichael: I don't get it. Do I stress you out?\nDwight: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.\nMichael: Oh...\nDwight: Speaking of which... [hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight's formal apology]\nMichael: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.\nMichael: Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. [Jim shakes his head at the camera] You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short...\nKelly: A vacation.\nMichael: What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other...\nOscar: Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?\nMichael: Si senor.\nOscar: That's offensive.\nMichael: It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.\nKevin: [giggling] Oh my GOD... Oh man... Ohhhhh my God...\nOscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.\nMichael: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.\nDwight: May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.\nPhyllis: Hey, this is your apology letter.\nDwight: That was the last signature I needed.\nMichael: Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Ok... lower the mic for the midget.\nAngela: If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter]\nAngela: I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. [grin]\nAngela: If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be...\nGroup: Michael Scott! [laughter]\nMichael: Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!\nKelly: I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.\nMichael: You're so lucky! Good one... [clapping]\nMeredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said 'Gross'...\nMichael: Well...\nMeredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.\nMichael: Pow pow pow... [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping]\nOscar: [yelling at Michael in Spanish]\nMichael: [Toby tries to come on stage] NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. [Toby shrugs and sits back down]\nJim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.\nMichael: I know where this is goin'.\nJim: Do ya?\nMichael: No...\nJim: Ok. Remember Spider face?\nMichael: No.\nJim: OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.\nMichael: Spite her - ok [laughter]\nJim: Yeah... yep.\nDwight: How dare you all attack him like this.\nMichael: Oh, stop it Dwight.\nDwight: Michael is your superior.\nMichael: No no no no no no!\nDwight: Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.\nMichael: Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way.\nDwight: Ok, no, they don't understand who they have...\nMichael: That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.\nDwight: You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.\nMichael: Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.\nDwight: Are you calling me an idiot?\nMichael: Idiot.\nDwight: Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land. [clapping and whooing]\nPam: Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.\nMichael: Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?\nPam: Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter]\nMichael: Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.\nDarryl: Mike claims, we're all a family isn't that right?\nMichael: We are, we are a family.\nDarryl: Ok, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there.\nMichael: Oh very funny.\nDarryl: What's his name?\nMichael: Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy?\nDarryl: Roy left years ago. What's his name?\nMichael: I don't believe I have had the pleasure.\nWarehouse Michael: Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic...\nDarryl: What's\nMichael: Jefferson.\nDarryl: Nope. His name is Michael. [Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again]\nAndy: [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.\nMichael: Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um... [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum]\nPam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks.\nDwight: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.\nKevin: [in the lunch room, with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. [giggles]\nOscar: Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.\nKevin: I'm almost done.\nOscar: That reeks, and I'm trying to eat.\nDwight: Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?\nJim: Yep. You're being replaced.\nPam: I think he meant personal day.\nDwight: Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.\nPhyllis: I hope he's ok, I feel bad.\nCreed: Give it up, he's dead.\nJim: He just sent a text...\nCreed: What's a text?\nMichael: [at a park throwing whole pieces of bread] Caw... caw... caw caw... caw...\nMichael: You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not.\nPam: Phyllis there's a package for you.\nPhyllis: Oh, ok. [Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box]\nDwight: [after snatching the clipboard with her signature] Got it.\nLily: [movie] Sam, Sam Sam. It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it's that you lied to me. Can't you see that? Can't you see? Oh, I can never trust you. [Andy looks like he's going to cry]\nSam: Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don't care how much time we have left. I don't care what my friends say! And I don't care what your mom thinks! Frankly I'm pretty sure she's not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. [Andy's crying, 'I'm All Out of Love' starts playing] Lilly. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. Lilly... Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!\nAndy: [through tears] Sam! Sam!\nPam: Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I'll see ya then.\nJim: So what did he say? Was it my fault?\nPam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best.\nJim: You ok?\nPam: Yeah. [they hug]\nPam: When you're a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. [Andy is in the background, looks incredulous]\nAndy: I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad.\nPam: Michael! It's really good to see you.\nDwight: Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?\nJim: Are you alright?\nOscar: Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. [murmurs of agreement]\nMichael: I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.\nPam: What?\nMichael: Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing] Oscar, you're gay.\nOscar: Wow.\nMichael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation]\nMichael: They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case."}
{"text": "Michael: [breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing]\nJim: This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left.\nMichael: [over PA] This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. [snickering] I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. [wheezing laughing, starts coughing] Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.\nJim: [disgusted groan]\nMichael: Could I stick it with a pin?\nPam: Ugh.\nMichael: [still talking over PA] Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets [Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket] because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.\nJim: [sighs and knocks on Michaels door]\nMichael: You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.\nJim: That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh...\nMichael: What?\nJim: What the heck? Is that, uh... [bends down, cuts phone cords with scissors]\nMichael: You find it?\nJim: I didn't, I'll look somewhere else.\nMichael: All right.\nJim: All right.\nMichael: Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.\nMichael: [knocks on Pam's hotel door] Hello, good morning.\nPam: Good morning.\nMichael: You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles.\nMichael: Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. [laughs] No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. [looks at Pam] Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.\nPam: He brought a sled.\nMichael: No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.\nPam: Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks.\nMichael: Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! [gets in backseat] Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.\nPam: Separate rooms.\nMichael: Well that goes without saying.\nPam: I'm going to say it anyway.\nMichael: Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...\nPam: This is a new cardigan.\nMichael: ...kind of [retches] Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.\nPam: No.\nMichael: No. Oh, all right.\nJim: [front door slams, Kelly walks by] Hey, Kelly.\nKelly: Screw you.\nDwight: Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.\nKelly: Oh yeah? Screw you too.\nJim: Whoa! What was that all about.\nPhyllis: You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.\nJim: [Jim and Dwight sitting next to each other in talking head interview] Go ahead.\nDwight: Go ahead, you do it.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: I insist.\nJim: Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama.\nDwight: What he said was... [puts finger toward Jim's face]\nJim: [pushes Dwight's finger away] Just, easy.\nDwight: ...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.\nJim: Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.\nDwight: [at the same time as Jim] I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. [shoves Jim's arm away] That's on my side.\nJim: So this is fun.\nKelly: My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.\nPam: Can I turn on the radio?\nMichael: No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.\nPam: But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.\nMichael: Then listen to your iPod, Pam.\nPam: That's dangerous.\nMichael: Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.\nPam: That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head.\nMichael: You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...\nPam: No, that was a long time ago.\nMichael: Is that why your wearing makeup today?\nPam: No, I'm not even wearing that much.\nPam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so...\nJulia: Oh, this is a nice office.\nStanley: [laughs] You don't have to lie. Through here.\nAndy: Um Phyllis, who's that?\nPhyllis: She's out of your league Andy.\nAndy: For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.\nPhyllis: Sexually?\nAndy: This conversation is over.\nAndy: I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.\nJim: We just wanted to say we are very sorry.\nKelly: Screw you guys. You're dead to me.\nDwight: If you say screw you one more time...\nKelly: Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.\nDwight: Hey, HEY.\nJim: [while Dwight and Kelly are arguing] Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?\nKelly: I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.\nDwight: Oh God.\nJim: Okay.\nKelly: In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it.\nDwight: What kind of cake do you want imbecile.\nKelly: Ice Cream.\nPam: [taking Michael's picture] Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin.\nMichael: Hello, Rolando, how are you?\nRolando: Hi.\nMichael: Rolando, [clears throat] I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.\nRolando: [sarcastically chuckles] Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over.\nMichael: Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.\nPam: Stop it, please.\nMichael: That's what I do, steal my trick.\nPam: Please cut it out.\nKaren: Hey. Hi, guys.\nMichael: [notices Karen's pregnant] Oh my God. Is that Jim's?\nKaren: What!\nPam: Michael!\nKaren: Of course not!\nMichael: Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...\nKaren: Let's just get this over with, shall we?\nMichael: Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?\nJim: [partially blown up balloons on table and hanging from streamers] Are you kidding?\nDwight: Well, I'm not done yet.\nJim: Dwight. This, [picks up balloon] fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?\nDwight: They match the carpet\nJim: What is that? [looks at sign that says 'IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.'] It is your birthday period.\nDwight: It's a statement of fact.\nJim: Not even an exclamation point?\nDwight: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.\nJim: I can't believe how bad this looks.\nDwight: Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.\nJim: Okay, good then.\nDwight: Have you collected the money from everyone?\nJim: I am working on it.\nDwight: How much do you have?\nJim: Six dollars.\nDwight: [yelling] That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!\nJim: I said I was working on it.\nDwight: [sighs]\nAndy: [looking into Julia's car] Trying to see what CD's she got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Eh, Aha! Fiest. Yes! [bangs on car and alarm goes off] Whoa! Aah, Aah! [backs up and runs into another car starting another alarm]\nMichael: [on cell phone] NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... [hangs up phone, sighs] This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. [Karen raises her hand] Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?\nKaren: Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?\nMichael: I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.\nKaren: But now we think you're a liar.\nMichael: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? [Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone]\nMichael: I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. [starts singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.\nMichael: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. 'M' your name is Mark.\nMark: Yes.\nMichael: Got it. It works.\nKaren: Uh, it's very insulting.\nMichael: But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?\nMark: But we already know each other's names.\nMichael: Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.\nKaren: Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over.\nMichael: Oh, I still have more.\nKaren: Can I please see you in my office, please?\nMichael: She is pregnant. She is knocked up. 'K' Karen. Pam, let's go.\nJulia: I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget.\nAndy: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? [starts singing to the tune of Feist's 1234] One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather...\nStanley: Four Splenda. Are you crazy?\nAndy: Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes.\nStanley: Are you out of your damn mind?\nAndy: Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her.\nStanley: We're not friends. I didn't think about it.\nAndy: We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down.\nStanley: You really like her, huh?\nAndy: Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.\nStanley: [thinks for a moment] Give me two clients for her.\nMichael: I grab this [grabs a chain saw], and I turn it on and I say, 'Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre.'\nKaren: No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.\nMichael: No, don't worry, the chain is off.\nPam: No it's not.\nKaren: You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team.\nMichael: Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.\nPam: So when are you due?\nKaren: Uh, in about a month.\nPam: Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations.\nKaren: Thank you. It just all happened so fast.\nMichael: It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?\nKaren: Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.\nMichael: Oh, great.\nKaren: His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky.\nPam: Oh, he's cute.\nKaren: Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that?\nPam: What is happening there? [points at picture]\nKaren: Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.\nPam: It's really sweet.\nMichael: No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.\nKaren: So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?\nPam: Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged.\nKaren: That's so great. That's great.\nPam: Thank you.\nKaren: Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you. [hugs pam]\nMichael: Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.\nStanley: I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother.\nAndy: So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or?\nJulia: No, it could go straight to our business address.\nAndy: Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or?\nJulia: Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend.\nAndy: [stammers] Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird.\nAndy: Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking.\nOscar: [quietly] Oh, my desk is over... [quickly walks away]\nCreed: This gal, she's really into you?\nAndy: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up.\nCreed: All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.\nAndy: Okay, it sounds risky.\nCreed: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?\nAndy: Wait, what?\nMichael: I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.\nPam: I like her.\nMichael: Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.\nPam: I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came.\nMichael: Why?\nPam: Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good.\nJulia: Thanks for walking me out.\nAndy: Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so...\nJulia: You must be freezing.\nAndy: I am about to die. [laughs] Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?\nJulia: Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.\nAndy: Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.\nJulia: What's a 'Nard-Dog'?\nAndy: [points to self] This is the Nard-Dog.\nJulia: [Andy leans in to kiss her] Whoa. What the hell?\nAndy: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.\nJulia: I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard.\nAndy: Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around?\nJulia: No, I, I don't think so.\nAndy: Sure, yeah that's... your right. It's too soon for... definitely too soon for me. So I'm glad we go that out of the way. I'm gonna be in touch with you. In three months. I'm gonna call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk.\nJulia: [chuckles] Okay.\nAndy: Take care Julia.\nJulia: Thank you.\nAndy: [as Julia is pulling out] Sorry I tried to kiss y...\nAndy: We lost the account.\nDwight: [struggling to blow up a balloon as his desk phone rings] Damn it! [answers phone] Dwight Schrute.\nJim: [over the phone] How old's Kelly?\nDwight: Who is this?\nJim: It's Mose. Who do you think it is?\nDwight: Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you.\nJim: Look, I'm at the supermarket, and they only have numbered candles. How old is she?\nDwight: Uh, 24. 37.\nJim: Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?\nDwight: [sighs] I'll call you back. [goes to a filling cabinet takes out a file and looks around]\nDwight: I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. [opens file] 'Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center.' Juvie. 'According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor...' Blah, Blah, Blah. [closes file]\nPam: Are you asleep?\nMichael: No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?\nPam: No, remind me.\nMichael: Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.\nPam: Perfect boobs, [gives a look at the camera] of course I remember Holly.\nMichael: She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.\nPam: Okay, lets go.\nMichael: [scoofs] I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.\nPam: Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this.\nMichael: [chuckles] Okay.\nJim: [leaning against Creed's desk] So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kelly's party.\nCreed: I'd like to contribute.\nJim: Oh, great.\nCreed: [opens wallet and hands Jim a single bill] There you go.\nJim: [looks at a three dollar bill]"}
{"text": "Michael: I am on a lecture circuit. I'm goin' around to all the branches, and I'm telling them my secret recipe for success.\nMichael: I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy.\nMichael: [holding a chainsaw] And I turn it on and I say 'Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.'\nKaren: How's Jim?\nPam: We're engaged.\nKaren: Oh my God, I'm so happy for you!\nPam: Oh, wow, thank you!\nMichael: You remember Holly? She used to work for HR? She's the love of my life. She just left... and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.\nPam: ... Okay, let's go.\nOscar: [Kevin is holding two ice cream treats] Two?\nKevin: I didn't eat lunch. [Oscar gives Kevin a look] I didn't eat all my lunch.\nAngela: [enters smiling and waving] Hello, everyone. Oh, ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good.\nKevin: It... yeah.\nOscar: Angela, you're more chipper than usual.\nAngela: I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. [takes a breath, excitedly] She's hypoallergenic. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. She's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in 'Meet the Parents.' Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.\nMeredith: How much?\nAngela: Seven thousand dollars.\nCreed: For a cat? I could get you a kid for that.\nOscar: Where'd you get that kind of money?\nAngela: I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay.\nKevin: Wait, you didn't give it back?\nAngela: He wouldn't have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady!\nMeredith: Seven grand?\nAngela: Mm-hmm.\nMeredith: I gotta see that little bitch.\nAngela: I have something better than a picture. Come on.\nOscar: You have your cats on Nanny-Cam?\nAngela: Yeah. [cats meowing] I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat, but I'm out of vacation days. And this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity. I mean, when somebody has a kid, oh sure, take off a year.\nMeredith: She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.\nAngela: Right. Anyways... I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone.\nKevin: Any cat, you mean.\nAngela: And person.\nPam: So, detour. We're now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don't think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! [laughs] [whispers] I've been driving too long.\nDwight: [shouts from another room] What did you do?\nKelly: Stop yelling at me!\nDwight: What did you do?\nKelly: I didn't do anything!\nDwight: What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm?\nJim: Hey! What the hell's goin' on?\nDwight: Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.\nKelly: I was kickin' it.\nDwight: In juvie.\nJim: What?\nDwight: Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!\nJim: Yep.\nDwight: For reha-\nJim: Got it.\nDwight: What did you do? Huh?\nJim: Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy.\nDwight: Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. [to Kelly] What did you do?\nKelly: My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!\nDwight: I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!\nJim: Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.\nKelly: You did? I wanna see the cake.\nJim: And... ta da.\nKelly: I hate it.\nJim: How do you hate it? It's a cake.\nKelly: Well, there's no flowers... or toys... or- I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn't have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly!\nJim: Right.\nJim: I forgot if there was an 'e' between the 'l' and the 'y.' I still don't know.\nKelly: I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?!\nJim: Birthday.\nDwight: Frosting.\nKelly: Those aren't... themes. There's always a theme. [walks out]\nPhyllis: There's always a theme.\nDwight: Nice job on the cake, Bozo!\nJim: Okay, you know what, next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl.\nPam: [taking Michael's picture] Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah.\nMichael: Do I look okay?\nPam: You look good.\nMichael: Hi.\nReceptionist: Hi, can I help you?\nMichael: Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch.\nReceptionist: Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat.\nMichael: Thank you. ... Um... is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here?\nReceptionist: Actually, she's on an HR retreat for the next three days.\nMichael: Oh- She's not here?\nReceptionist: But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He's a salesman here.\nMichael: A.J.\nReceptionist: Yeah, he's her boyfriend. He's just over there.\nMichael: She has a boyfriend.\nPam: I'm so sorry, Michael.\nMichael: How could she do this to me, Pam?\nPam: She's not doing it to hurt you.\nMichael: I can't do the presentation, I can't- [voice cracks] ... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face]\nPam: Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but-\nMichael: I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay? [exhales]\nPam: You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.\nMichael: And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.\nPam: Yeah, maybe.\nMichael: [laughs]\nPam: Maybe. One step at a time.\nMichael: [sighs]\nPam: You can do this.\nMichael: I can do this.\nOscar: It could be snacks, or-\nKevin: Why would we- [cats meowing from Angela's computer, sounds like crying]\nOscar: Wha-\nKevin: Is that what I think it is? [Kevin and Oscar get up and go to Angela's computer]\nOscar: Good God!\nKevin: [gasps]\nOscar: [laughs]\nAngela: [gasps]\nKevin: That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady!\nAngela: No!\nMeredith: Awesome!\nAngela: Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat! That is very bad! You stop it right now! I swear, he is fixed.\nMeredith: Yeah, I know fixed; that ain't fixed.\nKevin: No way.\nAngela: No, now listen. You can't let what you see here, sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats. [all laugh] I gotta go. I'll be back in an hour. Oh, stop that! Oh!\nKevin: Oh, the other one's watching.\nJim: Okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake.\nDwight: Busy!\nJim: Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about?\nDwight: Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face.\nJim: You know what? I could use a little help.\nDwight: You know what? I'm a little busy.\nJim: We have a lot to do, and you are... putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you've been doing, is making a sign?\nDwight: It's not effeminate. It's festive.\nJim: You've been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party's now at 3!\nStanley: I know, I just read it on the sign.\nMichael: Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... about paper' and get them to 'Show us the money!' Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let's see the salesmen. [some raise their hands] Oh, okay. Well I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you're a salesman. What's, uh, what's your name?\nA.J.: A.J.\nMichael: A.J. What kind of name is A.J.?\nA.J.: [laughs]\nMichael: What do you race cars?\nA.J.: [laughs] I'm a salesman. That's why I raised my hand.\nMichael: Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You're funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date?\nA.J.: Yeah. Why, are you interested? [all laugh]\nWoman: I have a question about discounts from distributors.\nMichael: Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you're dating somebody? Um... is it serious?\nA.J.: It's pretty serious, yes.\nMichael: Huh- [pauses] Does she ever talk about me? [voice cracking]\nPam: Oh, God.\nA.J.: Excuse me?\nMan: What does this have to do with sales?\nMichael: It's all connected. Shut up. [to A.J.] Does she ever mention 'Michael Scott?'\nA.J.: No, what are you talking about?\nMichael: [sighs loudly] Does it feel good?\nA.J.: Does what feel good?\nMichael: [grunts] Your life. [sits down, upset] Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let's just- We'll just continue. [sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset] Oh, wow. [takes deep breath] Ooh, okay.\nPam: Michael, get off the floor!\nMichael: Yeah, yeah... uh, I can't do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards.\nPam: [whispering] No, no, no, you have to do it-\nMichael: No, no, I'm okay. I'm all right. [sighs heavily] Okay... okay.\nPam: That was weird, huh? It's all part of the presentation. It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs. [pauses] I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation. [reading from the cards, in Forrest Gump voice] Sales is like a box a chocolates, you never know which vendor you're gonna get. Forrest Gump.\nPam: [pointing to staff members] Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly's boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorize names. I have a chainsaw! [holds up chainsaw, makes a wimpy chain saw noise] Cutting down the competition.\nAngela: [cats meowing in background][on Nanny-Cam] Where is that bad cat? Oh, you know who you are. Excuse me, Petals, I'm looking for Mr. Ash. He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat. Do you hear me? Bad. Yeah, you were bad. No, you look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? You look at me. 'Cause I'm talking to you right now.\nOscar: [chuckles]\nKevin: [snickers]\nAngela: [meows like a cat, then hisses]\nKevin: This is getting weird.\nOscar: Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue? [Angela licks cat, meows]\nKevin: Ohhh...\nMichael: [sighs, touches Holly's sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly's computer named 'Dear Michael,' plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer]\nAngela: [shivers] [meowing noises] Has this been on the entire time?\nOscar: I have no idea.\nKevin: I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.\nAngela: [sigh of relief] Well, sorry I'm late. [clears throat, coughs, pulls hairball out of her mouth]\nOscar: I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat, are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.\nPam: [loading up car with Michael] Don't look up. Don't look up. [sighs as office workers all looking from window]\nMichael: Want some pie?\nPam: No.\nMichael: I went through Holly's things.\nPam: What?\nMichael: I stole a sleeve of her sweater.\nPam: Oh, Michael...\nMichael: I also stole something off of her computer. A document called 'Dear Michael.'\nPam: You did what?\nMichael: I shouldn't have done it. It just- I couldn't help it.\nPam: She never sent it to you?\nMichael: No, sh- she didn't. I'm gonna read it.\nPam: No.\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: No, under no circumstances can you read that letter. It's a violation of her trust.\nMichael: How?\nPam: Because, she didn't send it to you!\nMichael: I know, I know. You're right, you're right.\nPam: I could read it.\nMichael: No, that wouldn't-\nPam: Yeah, I could read it.\nMichael: No, you don't have to do that.\nPam: Go get your laptop.\nMichael: Okay. [leaves to get laptop]\nPam: [to camera] What? I'm not in love with her.\nDwight: [blowing up balloon, breathes loudly] You have to write my suggestions down, too.\nJim: I'm not writing, 'Horse Hunt.' I don't even know what that means.\nDwight: It's in the name.\nJim: [grunts] Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting.\nDwight: You're right, forget horse hunting. It's stupid.\nJim: Look, is there a birthday you remember that you loved?\nDwight: Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord. [pretends to bite]\nJim: Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count. So give me another one.\nDwight: Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. [rolls eyes] What about you?\nJim: Actually, when I was seven, my Dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.\nDwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.\nJim: [to camera] Didn't see that one coming.\nPam: [closes laptop] It's deleted.\nMichael: Well?\nPam: She still has feelings for you.\nMichael: She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?\nPam: I can't tell you specifically, but... it's not over.\nMichael: You're sure?\nPam: [nods and smiles]\nMichael: [smiles, sighs, chuckles] Okay.\nKelly: [enters conference room]\nAll: Happy Birthday!\nMeredith: Surprise!\nDwight: Hey, it's not a surprise.\nJim: Not a surprise.\nKelly: This doesn't look good.\nJim: What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake, with your name spelled correctly?\nKelly: [shakes her head no]\nDwight: Told you.\nJim: You haven't heard our theme, though.\nKelly: You don't hear a theme, you see it... why is there a chicklet on my cake?\nJim: That's the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television.\nDwight: Our theme, if you will.\nJim: Because the fun part is, you get to decide on an hour of television, or an hour of napping.\nDwight: That's our theme.\nKelly: Cool.\nJim: Yeah?\nKelly: I love it.\nDwight: [high-fives Jim] Oh, yes! Okay, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?\nKevin: Ooh- can she pick a half hour of each?\nDwight: No.\nJim: No.\nKevin: Oh, then pick TV.\nMeredith: Take a nap!\nOscar: TV.\nKevin: No, watching TV at work is really cool.\nStanley: Take a nap, nothing good is on TV right now.\nCreed: Bonnie Hunt is on.\nKelly: You know what, I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap.\nJim: All right.\nDwight: Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let's go.\nMeredith: Surprise.\nDwight: Move it! Let's go, go, go, go, go. I got this.\nJim: Ahem. This is for you... and [puts blanket around her shoulders] ...Happy Birthday, Kel.\nKelly: [giggles] Thank you.\nDwight: [turns off lights] Okay, you've got one hour. [shuts door]\nKelly: I'm too excited to sleep.\nDwight: Mm, great cake.\nJim: Thanks. [both eat cake]\nDwight: [opens door to wake Kelly, bangs together two trash can covers loudly] Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. [slaps Kelly's butt] Many happy returns. [slams door]\nMichael: I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something.\nPam: No, we don't need to do that.\nMichael: Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him!\nPam: You mean Tony?\nMichael: Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony!\nPam: Oh, Michael.\nMichael: Man, was he fat. So, so... fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty.\nAngela: As you may know, I am no longer in a relationships. It's been really stressful here. So, I decided to treat myself to one of God's most perfect creations...a beautiful new cat! It's tacky to talk about money. But she cost seven thousand dollars!\nKevin: [holds up cell phone showing video of Angela talking to her cats] For a rainy day. [laughs]"}
{"text": "Phone Salesman: Hi.\nPam: Good morning, can I help you?\nPhone Salesman: Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.\nPam: I'm sorry, he's not in right now.\nPhone Salesman: Really? He's never around when I come by.\nPam: Shoot.\nPam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [realizing] Vending machine.\nPhone Salesman: How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here.\nPam: That is a great idea.\nPhone Salesman: Great.\nPam: [while leafing through Michael's appointment book and seeing nothing but free time] Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really...\nJim: [approaching Reception] Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?\nPam: There he is!\nPhone Salesman: Oh, hi! Great.\nJim: Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours.\nMichael: [coming out from his office] Hello, may I help you?\nJim: Jimbo!\nMichael: ...Jim.\nJim: [impersonating Fonzie] Ayyyy!\nMichael: Ayyyy!\nPam: Ayyyy!\nMichael: Ayyyy!\nJim: Ayyyy!\nDwight: [running from his desk] Ayyyy!\nJim, Pam, Michael and Dwight: Ayyyy!\nPhone Salesman: Ok. I'm, uh, I'll be going.\nJim, Pam, Michael and Dwight: Ayyyy!\nMichael: [laughing] What was that?\nPam: That was funny.\nMichael: That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!\nMichael: Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud?\nKevin: I miss Stacy.\nMichael: Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting...\nKevin: I can't even imagine.\nPam: This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances.\nJim: You're only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but.\nPam: Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?\nJim: Yeah. [Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away] She's fine.\nKelly: So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope] Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.\nMichael: Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. [Michael takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side] They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall. [Kevin groans]\nMichael: Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.\nMichael: Pam, really, they're back?\nPam: I can't see them when they're on the floor\nJim: They're for her to look at, Michael.\nMichael: Can I have a word with you, Jim?\nJim: Yes, let's have a word.\nMichael: Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.\nJim: Oh, I'm sorry.\nMichael: Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.\nJim: I understand that.\nDwight: So sexy it becomes hostile.\nMichael: Mm-hmm.\nJim: Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.\nMichael: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest-\nJim: We do.\nMichael: -that none of us can be a part of-\nPam: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.\nMichael: [gesturing Pam to be quiet] -then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party.\nJim: That sounds fun.\nMichael: So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only.\nDwight: Yeah, deal with it Pam!\nMichael: So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.\nDwight: Having trouble finding a vein?\nBlood Drive Worker: Yup, a little.\nDwight: How about now? [Dwight untenses his arm]\nDwight: I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. [pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat]\nMichael: I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that -\nBlood Drive Worker: You're gonna need to lie down right over here.\nMichael: Okay. Hello.\nBlood Girl: Hi, I cant talk right now. I'm sorry.\nMichael: Oh, OK.\nBlood Girl: Whew, I'm really nervous.\nMichael: Yeah, me too.\nBlood Girl: Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up.\nMichael: Oh, well, that's fine.\nBlood Girl: Whew, it's better for me just to be quiet, yeah.\nMichael: Yeah, can I point something out to you?\nBlood Girl: Sure.\nMichael: You're actually talking a lot.\nBlood Girl: Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous.\nMichael: Okay, here we go.\nBlood Drive Worker: Alright, here we go.\nMichael: Oh, God. [Michael clears his throat]\nBlood Drive Worker: Just relax.\nMichael: Yup, I'm good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. [Blood Girl laughs] Hawaiian blood punch.\nBlood Girl: Oh, that's gross.\nMichael: Type O-Ocean Spray.\nBlood Girl: God, stop. Stop it.\nPhyllis: Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. [whispering] Michael is terrified of bob.\nPam: What do you think?\nJim: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves.\nPam: We're in.\nMichael: Yick.\nBlood Girl: What?\nMichael: I looked at the bag.\nBlood Girl: Ew.\nMichael: I looked straight at the bag.\nBlood Girl: That's not good.\nMichael: Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them?\nBlood Girl: Well, ok... bags! [Michael is taken aback] Alright, that was bad.\nMichael: That was mean.\nBlood Girl: Um, a hat.\nMichael: A hat.\nBlood Girl: A hat with no blood in it?\nMichael: That is full of soup.\nBlood Girl: You're cute.\nMichael: What?\nBlood Drive Worker: You're done.\nMichael: Oh, already.\nBlood Girl: Ah, we did it!\nMichael: Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out]\nBlood Girl: Is he OK?\nMichael: [ccming to] Oh my God, how long was I out? [Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank]\nHank: What?\nMichael: Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?\nBlood Drive Worker: Oh. She left.\nMichael: OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove.\nBlood Drive Worker: I'm sorry sir we can't give out that information. [Michael sighs]\nMeredith: [seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half] What are you doing?\nKelly: Decorating.\nMeredith: I'll help. [Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid] Now it's just a stupid baby.\nKelly: Yeah, thanks.\nPhyllis: It is so nice to go out with another couple.\nPam: Anything to get out of that office.\nPhyllis: I know\nBob: I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.\nPhyllis: He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.\nJim: Oh yeah, I understood.\nMichael: Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?\nKelly: Well, his heart was in the right place.\nMichael: Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. [Kelly looks hurt] Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar.\nOscar: I don't think so.\nMichael: Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest.\nOscar: I can't.\nMichael: If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else?\nBob: Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. [Bob does so]\nJim: No way, a 280?\nPam: Wow, that's impressive.\nPhyllis: Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.\nJim: Yikes.\nPhyllis: Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. [Bob does so reluctantly]\nJim: No. Bob, no. No!\nPam: What?\nBob: One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you?\nPhyllis: Yes I do.\nPam: Jim uses a 6 pound ball.\nJim: That is a lie, that is a lie.\nPam: Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.\nJim: But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit.\nPam: No, you just have little dainty fingers.\nBob: Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry.\nJim: Nobody asked, Bob!\nOscar: Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?\nAngela: Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but...\nOscar: I was stupid, I told him.\nKevin: Was he in to you in like a gay way?\nMichael: Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.\nOscar: He told me he wasn't gay. [everyone groans]\nMichael: Really sad.\nOscar: I'm not done yet.\nMichael: Oh my God.\nKevin: A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says 'I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City.' [everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised]\nMichael: Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!\nAngela: My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.\nOscar: Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.\nAngela: No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.\nOscar: Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?\nAngela: I guess I have. Huh.\nMichael: Alright who's next? Where's Andy?\nOscar: He's on one of his honeymoons.\nMichael: What?\nOscar: He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage.\nKevin: My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said 'Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!' and she said that we're done.\nMichael: You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this.\nDwight: You're right. OK everyone, back to work.\nMichael: No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.\nDwight: A net? a giant net?\nMichael: No. Not a giant net.\nDwight: What do you have in mind?\nMichael: I was thinking maybe like a mixer.\nDwight: Oh God, that's a terrible idea.\nMichael: Old fashioned meet market -\nDwight: No.\nMichael: - I don't think it is.\nDwight: Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.\nMichael: These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say 'I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow.' Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.\nMichael: Hey.\nDwight: Hey. No movement.\nMichael: Ah, still early.\nDwight: Eh, its not that early.\nMichael: [sighs] So how you holding up?\nDwight: I'm ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.\nMichael: No. No, I meant about being single today.\nDwight: Oh. Meh.\nMichael: Meh, exactly. Eh.\nDwight: Eh.\nMichael: Oh, here we go.\nDwight: Hello.\nMichael: Hello. [two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead]\nDwight: Dwight K. Schrute. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? [Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde] Hi, Dwight.\nMichael: Babe alert! [to the redhead] Hello, I'm Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig.\nLynn: Oh, hi! I'm Lynn.\nMichael: Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self.\nKevin: Hello.\nLynn: Hi.\nMichael: [after a short pause] So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. [after another pause] Where you from?\nKevin: I'm from here!\nMichael: Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better.\nKevin: Thank you, Michael.\nDwight: I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.\nBlonde: I- I- believe you.\nDwight: You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today.\nBlonde: Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses.\nDwight: You must use a lot of paper.\nBlonde: Oh God tons of it .\nPam: What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?\nJim: I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat.\nPam: Oh, damn. [Pam looks down at her salad] They've been in there for like ten minutes.\nJim: Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.\nPam: Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries.\nJim: We should help him out. [Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom]\nKevin: At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It's really cool.\nLynn: That does sound cool.\nKevin: I used to go there with my fiance [Lynn is taken aback]. Before she left me [Lynn shows pity]. No, I mean, before I left her [Lynn looks confused]. She left me. [Kevin walks away dejected]\nKevin: I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast.\nMichael: So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.\nEric: I am.\nMichael: Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair. Alright, I'll let you guys talk.\nMichael: It's going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. [Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door] Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so [looking at his watch] it's not too late.\nDwight: ...and the kind of discounts we're talking about are not... hold on - Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door?\nMichael: No reason.\nDwight: Is somebody after you?\nOscar: Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?\nDwight: Hey, it just takes one!\nMichael: Nobody's after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.\nKelly: You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.\nMichael: It's not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.\nKelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.\nMeredith: She could be your soul mate.\nDwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up.\nOscar: It's possible.\nKelly: She could be.\nMichael: Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched.\nKelly: Aww. [Michael grins sheepishly]\nJim: Here they come.\nPam: [looking up from her pilfering of Bob's food] What?\nJim: No, just kidding. Seriously though, that's enough.\nPam: Well, you should cover it with the broccoli.\nJim: Oh great, I have to cover?\nPam: Do you think they dined and dashed?\nJim: Well they didn't dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed.\nPam: I thought we were having a nice time.\nJim: We were.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: [emerging from the Men's room] Empty.\nPam: [exiting the Ladies' room] Mine too. [Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate]\nJim: Oh boy.\nPam: My God.\nJim: OK.\nGirl: Is this the party? [everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl]\nMichael: Nah. [everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.\nBob: OK then.\nJim: So...\nBob: Where were we?\nPhyllis: [out of breath] Bowling.\nPam: Yep, that, yeah.\nBob: You didn't eat much there Jimbo.\nJim: Oh initially I did.\nBob: Want some meat?\nPhyllis: Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though.\nBob: Forgot.\nPhyllis: Yeah, thank you. [As Phyllis enjoys Bob's meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera]\nKevin: Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.\nLynn: That's really sweaty.\nKevin: Are you on email?\nLynn: Oh, yeah. [gives Kevin her card]\nKevin: Cool. Bye.\nLynn: Bye, Kevin.\nKevin: Good Valentine's.\nDwight: So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you.\nBlonde: OK. [Blonde stands up to leave]\nDwight: OK, what's up?\nBlonde: Look, I'm gonna go...\nDwight: Oh-oh-oh before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign-\nBlonde: Look, we already have a paper supplier.\nDwight: OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!\nMichael: Hey, you don't deserve her.\nDwight: Thanks, Michael.\nMichael: Hey, if anybody wants to go...\nOscar: We can stay a little longer.\nMichael: Really? [everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake] Oh, thanks.\nKelly: Michael, it's time.\nMichael: You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I'm gonna soldier on a little bit.\nOscar: Come on, we'll all go.\nMichael: [after some encouragement] OK.\nMichael: Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.\nStanley: Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy.\nBlood Drive Worker: Of course. [noticing Stanley's arm] That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Band-Aids.\nStanley: [backing out of the bloodmobile] I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just [to Phyllis] Band-Aids.\nPhyllis: Damn."}
{"text": "Pam: [on the phone] Yeah, that's no problem.\nMichael: Pam?\nPam: [on the phone] Sure. Uh huh.\nMichael: Pam? Knock, knock.\nPam: I'm on the phone.\nMichael: I know you are. Knock, knock.\nPam: [on the phone] You can fax it over. Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5-0-1-\nMichael: [at same time as Pam] 4-9-1-7-4-5-1\nPam: 0-1-7-5. Thank you. Bye, bye. [to Michael] It really makes us look unprofessional.\nMichael: They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go, Knock, knock. [Dwight walks over]\nPam: [sighs] Who's there?\nMichael: Buddha.\nPam: Buddha who?\nMichael: [puts a slice of bread and stick of butter on Pam's desk] Buddha this bread for me, won't you? [Michael and Dwight laugh]\nPam: Great.\nMichael: I, I need something to wipe my hand.\nPam: Now there's, there's butter on my desk.\nMichael: That was helping. It was classic.\nDwight: I got a knock-knock joke.\nMichael: No... God.\nDwight: OK, Michael, please, please, please, please, please let me.\nMichael: Alright.\nDwight: [clears throat] Knock, knock.\nMichael: Who's there?\nDwight: KGB.\nMichael: KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael on the face]\nDwight: [in Russian accent] We will ask the questions!\nMichael: What the hell was that? [Michael starts to fight with Dwight]\nDwight: What are you doing?\nMichael: What are you doing?\nDwight: Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!\nMichael: You, you like that?\nDwight: C'mon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke.\nMichael: Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it.\nJim: Ding Dong.\nMichael: [to Jim] Who's there?\nJim: KGB.\nMichael: Dwight, get the door.\nDwight: I'm not answering it.\nMichael: Answer the door.\nJim: Ding dong.\nDwight: No way, it's the KGB.\nJim: Ding dong.\nDwight: I'm not answering that. You answer it.\nMichael: I'm not gonna answer it\nDwight: I'm not gonna answer it, it's the KGB. [Jim slaps Dwight]\nJim: The KGB will wait for no one! [Michael laughs]\nDwight: It's true.\nPam: [Michael walks in dressed as Willy Wonka] Good morning, Michael.\nMichael: Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonkaaaaa.\nPam: Good morning, Mr. Wonka, here are your messages.\nMichael: Why thank you very much. [notices jelly beans] Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please!\nPam: Jelly beans.\nMichael: No, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans!\nMichael: The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy.\nMichael: I've written these things because it is my responsibility, as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine. [Jim raises hand] Umm hmm.\nJim: We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends -\nMichael: Too many words. Good ideas are simple. 'Golden ticket.'\nJim: Free paper.'\nMichael: No. Jim. We're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon.\nAndy: Golden Girls. That's a golden ticket idea, right, I mean how great was that show? Golden Grahams. Another, is it - I don't get this...\nMichael: No, you don't. No, it - [sighs] What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas? Right?\nKevin: I think I should call her.\nAndy: No! No! No!\nKevin: Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today?\nAndy: [sighs] You're making it too easy for her. You're just conveying, 'Oh I like you just the way you are.'\nKevin: But I do like her just the way she is.\nAndy: Well that's not what we agreed on.\nJim: What are you doing?\nAndy: Huh?\nJim: [to Kevin] Why don't you just go out on a date with her? Try to spark up an on going joke and then in a month or two, if it feels right, you'll know.\nAndy: No.\nPam: You don't have to wait that long. I mean, you don't have to wait a month to ask her out. Just ask her out.\nAndy: You're asking him to give up all of his power.\nJim: What power?\nKevin: Andy, Pam, and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like, Lynn. I, I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker.\nAndy: You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'\nPam: That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?\nJim: Well guys with girlfriends don't.\nAndy: That's low, Tuna.\nJim: [on phone] Hey, Tom. What's that? Oh, you found a golden ticket. [puts hand on receiver and speaks to office] One of my clients found a golden ticket. [Michael screams in excitement] [Jim back on phone] Yup. No, congratulations. [Michael dances in background]\nMichael: Woo hoo.\nJim: [on phone] I'll take that down right now.\nMichael: Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips...\nJim: I'm on the phone.\nMichael: ...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?\nJim: [on phone] Hold on one second.\nMichael: Invite them on the tour.\nJim: [to Michael] It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania.\nMichael: Really? That's kind of a big client. [gets up and heads toward Oscar] Hey, Oscar. Woo hoo hoo. Um, how much of a hit is ten percent of our Blue Cross account?\nOscar: Ten percent?\nMichael: Yeah?\nOscar: They're our largest client.\nMichael: Yeah.\nOscar: It's gonna hurt.\nJim: [on phone] Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec, Tom, what's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say limit one per customer? Nope, it doesn't.\nJim: How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments?\nMichael: I thought I did. So...\nJim: OK...\nMichael: Well no harm no foul.\nJim: ...well I'm going to call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales.\nMichael: You didn't, but... it'll be fine. It'll be good.\nMichael: Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.\nDarryl: Start over.\nMichael: Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?\nDarryl: Were the boxes near each other?\nMichael: Irrelevant.\nDarryl: I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.\nMichael: OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?\nMichael: My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea. [sighs] That... [sighs]\nPam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi ,David. [Michael shakes his head to Pam] No, I'm sorry he's not back from the Civil Rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.\nPam: When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. 'Stopping a fight in the parking lot. ' 'An Obama fashion show. ' Whatever... that is. Or 'trapped in an oil painting.' I'm gonna save that one.\nMichael: Nobody panic. The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right?\nOscar: They can.\nMichael: No, they can't.\nOscar: Yes, they can.\nMichael: Oscar, you don't know what the hell you are talking about.\nOscar: Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?\nMichael: Alright, then we're screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so -\nJim: So, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed too.\nMichael: Thank you, Jim is with me.\nJim: Absolutely not, I'm mad at you.\nMichael: Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.\nCreed: That's not why.\nMichael: OK, we need a gold ticket idea to get us out of this mess. [Pam raises hand] Yes.\nPam: Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later? [Pam's phone rings]\nJim: Good one.\nMichael: OK, don't get that. Please? [Pam gets up to answer her phone]\nStanley: I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?\nMichael: That is not constructive.\nPam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. Alright, I'll find out if he's out yet.\nMichael: [on phone] Hello David. I just got back from my procedure, so-\nDavid: [on speaker phone] Michael, what the hell is going on here?\nMichael: How are you doing?\nDavid: Fine. What is going on?\nMichael: [reading from computer] My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.\nDavid: Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?\nMichael: Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don't... I don't know.\nDavid: How could you not know Michael?\nMichael: I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.\nDavid: Might have hi- OK, what firm?\nMichael: You're breaking up.\nDavid: Michael?\nMichael: OK, I think, it might have been an inside consultant.\nDavid: Was it the sales department?\nMichael: Yes.\nDavid: Was it Jim?\nMichael: No.\nDavid: OK, was it Dwight?\nMichael: [long pause] Yes.\nMichael: [Dwight walks in] Come on in. Good to see ya, have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.\nDwight: That was your idea.\nMichael: Woah, wow, who told you that?\nDwight: You did. Several times. Over and over again.\nMichael: [same time as Dwight] No, I don't think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight.\nDwight: [same time as Michael] You were dressed as Willy Wonka so...\nMichael: I'm not taking... I'm not taking...\nDwight: Wasn't my idea. Loved - but I can't.\nMichael: Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary.\nDwight: You don't keep a diary.\nMichael: Yes I do. You've just never seen it. [reading from diary] March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.\nDwight: Hold that thought. [Dwight gets up and gets own diary from desk and returns] [flipping through diary] March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year.\nMichael: Why do you have a diary?\nDwight: To keep secrets from my computer.\nMichael: OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.\nDwight: Impossible.\nMichael: Yes, you did.\nDwight: I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetish-ized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... do the math.\nMichael: What are you writing? [Dwight writes in diary]\nDwight: Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies.\nMichael: Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?\nDwight: With all my heart.\nKevin: You guys are throwing a lot at me.\nJim: All I'm saying is that it's a first dates, so just keep a respectful distance.\nKevin: Right.\nPam: I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.\nJim: No, that is what I mean.\nPam: [to Jim] Shush. [to Kevin] Kevin, a playful touch on the arm, or on the back, it can show your interest and it's really romantic.\nKevin: [puts hand on Jim's hand] Like that?\nJim: No, stop it.\nAndy: Don't touch her. Don't talk to her. Don't look at her.\nAndy: [Jim, Andy and Pam all talking over each other] ...turn into this black and carbon brick-where this barbeque sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.\nMichael: We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what you're thinking-\nDwight: OK, what am I thinking right now?\nMichael: Umm, nacho chips.\nDwight: No... How skin is the largest organ of the body.\nMichael: Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me.\nDwight: Oh, not gonna happen.\nDwight: I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.\nMichael: Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly.\nDwight: What about Shoe La La?\nMichael: [sighs] It's not ready yet.\nMichael: I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house.\nMichael: May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.\nOscar: These aren't announcements.\nMichael: Yes they are, you just don't care about the information.\nDwight: I love working here and I do not want to leave.\nMichael: He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.\nDwight: Well...\nMichael: I mean, like we were talking about that is why he has come to the conclusion...\nDwight: We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world.\nMichael: Right.\nDwight: No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom.\nMichael: That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom.\nDwight: Try me.\nMichael: That's why you made the decision. That's why you made...\nDwight: I haven't made a decision yet.\nMichael: You kind of have.\nDwight: No.\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: You cannot take the fall for him.\nDwight: He said he would do the same for me.\nJim: He can do the same for you. Right now. By getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do?\nDwight: I'm gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination.\nJim: There it is.\nMichael: [seeing David Wallace come into the office] Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in- what's it gonna be, what are you gonna do? [Dwight runs into Michael's office] What's it gonna be? Are you gonna do this thing for me? Dwight? [David knocks on Michael's door and opens door] Hey David, how are you? Good to see you. Nice surprise. Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation.\nDavid: That's too bad.\nMichael: Yes it is, but it had to be done, didn't it?\nDavid: Hopefully, nothing that can't be undone because Dwight I owe you an apology. The head of Blue Cross just called. They were so excited about the golden ticket discount that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider of all office supplies. Congratulations Dwight. [holds out hand for handshake]\nDwight: David... you're welcome. [Dwight and David shake hands and make exclamations]\nDavid: I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I have ever seen at this company and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute? [everyone starts clapping]\nDavid: Alright Dwight. This is huge.\nDwight: That's what she said! [David laughs]\nMichael: Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea. How'd you come up with that idea?\nDwight: Inspiration.\nMichael: Really? How did- how are you inspired? How did it pop into your head Dwight?\nDwight: [same time as Michael] You never know when it's gonna strike. Just... boom.\nMichael: Give me the details of how that happened.\nJim: You, you are taking about Dwight Schrute. The biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.\nMichael: What?\nJim: And you know what? I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea and for that I apologize.\nDwight: Apology rejected.\nPam: [going up to give Dwight a hug] Thanks for much for helping the company, Dwight.\nDwight: Oh Pam.\nCreed: Good work, kid.\nDwight: Thanks old man.\nDavid: This, this is great. OH, OK, look I want to get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York. The should meet you.\nDwight: Yeah.\nDavid: Pam, could you set up a call in there in about 15 minutes, please?\nPam: Sure.\nMichael: David? David?\nDwight: [same time as Michael] 'Cause I've got this idea...\nMichael: David?\nDavid: Yeah?\nMichael: Could I be a part of the meeting also?\nDavid: You probably have too much to do around here. I don't want to uh, take up your time with another meeting.\nJim: Yeah, let's face it. This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only. He's never seen the movie. [David laughs]\nDwight: Alright.\nDavid: [on speakerphone] Hey guys, I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away.\nDwight: OK guys, listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy. Sweet sugary candy from the second it touches my tongue to the moment it's metabolized by my stomach acids, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka.\nMan on phone: Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in, is there? [cut to show Michael on the other line] I hear panting.\nDavid: No. No dogs.\nDwight: So I love Willy Wonka. That golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I cam up with that idea [Michael comes into conference room].\nMichael: There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.\nPam: It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.\nDwight: Pam...\nMichael: I can't... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea.\nDwight: That is my idea.\nDavid: [on phone] We are gonna call you back guys. [to Michael] What is going on here?\nMichael: OK, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now, it turns out that it's a great idea and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that?\nDavid: No, no.\nDwight: It is my idea.\nMichael: Oh how dare you.\nDwight: It is my idea. I'm filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas.\nMichael: You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey, did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, circular net, that you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formally known as toilet guard?\nDwight: Horse Boat.\nMichael: Oh please.\nDwight: A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!\nMichael: Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge...\nDwight: Oh give me a break.\nMichael: ...that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas.\nDwight: That's because they're easy!\nMichael: They're not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom.\nDwight: [same time as Michael] Women's urinals... uh...\nDavid: [same time as Michael and Dwight] Guys, guys. OK, enough. Please, enough. What, is this true, Dwight? I mean, is this true?\nDwight: Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death.\nMichael: Thank You!\nDavid: What, I don't - what do you want me to do now, Michael? What am I supposed to do now?\nMichael: Well David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame.\nDavid: OK, uhh... I am going back to New York. Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes.\nPam: OK.\nDavid: I am gone.\nMichael: When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And that's what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours.\nDwight: Oh I am. In my own words.\nMichael: I want to see it.\nDwight: No.\nMichael: I want to see it. [Michael gets up to try to see Dwight's diary]\nDwight: No, Michael.\nMichael: Give me... Give me the diary.\nDwight: No! [Michael struggles to take Dwight's diary from his hand]\nLynn: Hi.\nKevin: Lynn, I'm just gonna say to you everything that I am thinking.\nLynn: OK.\nKevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.\nLynn: OK.\nKevin: Nice. [Both laugh] Boobs. [Lynn blushes]\nAndy: Well, it's uh, his funeral. So... neh!\nDwight: Ding dong.\nJim: Who is it?\nDwight: KGB.\nJim: Alright. I just got out of the shower, I'll be one second.\nDwight: [in accent] When you are done, open the door. ... Hello in there?\nJim: Yeah, I'm late for work, so I have to brush my teeth, it's a whole routine.\nDwight: We have more houses to visit.\nJim: If you want to come back then, that'll be fine.\nDwight: We will come back at... how is [looks at watch] 4:45?\nJim: I get back from work around 6.\nDwight: How about 5:15?\nJim: You can try. That, that might work.\nDwight: Very well, we will come back at 5:15.\nJim: Alright."}
{"text": "Dwight: Michael, since it is your fifteenth anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a fifteen-minute round of applause.\nMichael: I like it.\nDwight: Followed by a fifteen minute moment of silence.\nJim: [wearing a tuxedo] I don't know. Is it classy enough?\nDwight: Jim! Enough with the classy, ok?\nJim: I just feel like after fifteen years at this company, bravo by the way, that we should celebrate with a very classy event, a night to remember.\nMichael: I think you're right. This party has to have all the excitement, drama and intrigue of my time here.\nJim: And of course, classy.\nMichael: And classy, yeah.\nDwight: Michael, you're just agreeing with him because he's wearing a tux. Don't you see what he's doing here?\nJim: Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code. So, this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously.\nDwight: Oh, here's one: a string quartet, playing classy-cal music. [Jim grimaces]\nMichael: [watches Jim grimace, copies him] You know, that's good but it's not classy. I-I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership.\nJim: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Mr. Peanut is not classy.\nMichael: He is.\nDwight: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.\nMichael: That's what makes him classy.\nDwight: Ok, how about this? An ice sculpture, shaped like you, covered in chocolate-covered strawberries.\nJim: Oh, Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy. You see, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind.\nDwight: Well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what classy is then.\nJim: Ok, well let's just try this one on for size. And I apologize because it's right off the top of my head: an ice sculpture. Of you. Completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.\nMichael: Strawberries?\nJim: That's inspired.\nDwight: I said that! [storms out, slams door behind him]\nPam: Not classy.\nMichael: Not classy at all.\nJim: De class'.\nMichael: French. Classy.\nPam: Hi, can I help you?\nCharles: Yeah, I'm Charles Miner, here to see Michael Scott.\nPam: Sure. Just one second. Please have a seat.\nMichael: [on speakerphone] Yes?\nPam: Michael, there's a Charles Miner here to see you.\nMichael: Miner? I hardly know her!... Hello?\nPam: Yeah, are you coming out now?\nMichael: Uh-huh. [comes out of office] Well, well, well, who have we here? Ah, it is Prince Charles Miner. [shakes Charles' hand] At your service. Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner and he is the new VP for the Northeast region. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up. [leads round of applause] Here he is.\nCharles: I-I was-\nMichael: Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight, would you escort our guest in there? C'mon, here we go, don't be shy, don't be shy, you're one of us . [whispers] Dwight, stall him a little, I have to get the fish.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: Really wish you would have told me the new boss was coming today.\nMichael: What? No, I didn't want to make everybody nervous.\nJim: Nope. I mean, I could have brought a change of clothes, or-\nMichael: You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Ok, get the fish.\nDwight: Originally founded in 1866, Scranton quickly became one of Pennsylvania's largest anthracite coal-mining communities.\nMichael: Surprise, there is nothing in here. The real surprise is in the conference room. Let's go! [swings arm above head for everyone to come, hits doorframe] Oh! God! Ok, come on, come on!\nDwight: We'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is...\nMichael: Surprise! [unveils bagels sitting on table] As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's, for Charles.\nCharles: Thank you.\nMichael: Took me all night.\nPam: This is what you did last night?\nMichael: I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each other's vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides, the last two people to have his job were Jan and Ryan. The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend. So, who knows? I do. [in British cockney accent] It's gonna be mental! It's going to be mental.\nKelly: My god, he's like a black George Clooney.\nAngela: Really? I don't see it. I mean, he's ok, he's not unattractive, it's. . .\nJim: Hey, how you doing? Jim Halpert, sales. Just wanted to say, if you need anything, let me know.\nCharles: Why are you wearing a tuxedo?\nJim: I didn't think you'd notice. [laughs nervously] Uh, it's funny actually, there's another salesman out here, Dwight Schrute, and he sent out this memo, as he always does, and, uh, it was about professionalism in the workplace. Of course, he singled me out. So I just had to mess with him.\nCharles: Uh.\nJim: Oh, you'd understand if you read the memo which I should probably get you, there's probably one in a drawer... uh. It was pretty crazy. But, uh, not more crazy than wearing a tux, at work, I grant you that... so, uh.\nCharles: Your name is Jim?\nJim: Jim Halpert, yep. So, um, just going to let you get back to it... [being pulled away by Pam]\nPam: He just had to wear his tux today.\nJim: I thought it'd be funny.\nPam: Took him 40 minutes to get ready.\nMichael: All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department.\nCharles: Hey, I come from accounting, too.\nMichael: Oh, nerd alert!\nKevin: Ni-\nMichael: This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart. But he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever and I am very proud of him for that.\nCharles: Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you.\nMichael: This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there, in the orange [points to Andy]\nAndy: Hey-o!\nMichael: There you go! Where's the other?\nCharles: You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.\nMichael: Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sexual history.\nKevin: Hey!\nCharles: How about I just say hi to everyone at one time?\nMichael: Good. Good, good, good. Everyone, please give it up for Charles Miner. [claps]\nCharles: Thank you, Michael. Thank you for the C-shaped bagels.\nMichael: Oh! Well...\nCharles: That's great.\nMichael: Above and beyond.\nCharles: Hey, you know we're in tough times and we're not immune to this economy.\nMichael: That's true.\nCharles: But the goal is to, you know, fight our way through this.\nStanley: [clears throat, raises his hand] Stanley Hudson. Are there gonna be layoffs?\nMichael: No. Absolutely not.\nCharles: Uh, hold on, Michael, thank you. Uh, Stanley, you know, we can't make any promises, but we'll try everything in our power to avoid that.\nOscar: Do you have specifics?\nCharles: Sp-Well, um, Michael should have filled you in last week.\nMichael: Well, due to the economy, there is a lot of worry going around. I didn't want to worry people.\nCharles: You didn't tell them.\nMichael: Well, why don't-\nCharles: Yeah, I will. What I told Michael last week-\nMichael: Charles is going to tell you.\nCharles: Is that we are cutting three percent across the board, which means we will no longer be matching 401k contributions. All overtime requests will need to come through the corporate office.\nStanley: Fantastic.\nMichael: Well, it's not official.\nCharles: It is official. It is official. And actually, guys, I'm encouraging branches to consider a freeze on discretionary spending.\nMichael: Such as salary, benefits, etc, etc. Insurance.\nCharles: No, no, not salaries. Petty cash, supplies, and uh, you know, parties.\nMichael: Well-\nDwight: What about your party?\nMichael: Ok, ok, you know what? I think this has been great. I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen. [starts round of applause] He has a long trip home. Thank you for coming in. We have to get back to work.\nCharles: Michael, I'm going to stay for the day.\nMichael: Oh no, no, no. You don't have to do that. I've got this covered. This was just a meet-and-greet.\nCharles: No, it's a little bit more than that. I'm going to set up in here, ok?\nMichael: I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have. Thrilled.\nMichael: [on speakerphone] David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.\nDavid: What gave you that idea?\nMichael: It was my understanding.\nDavid: I see.\nMichael: Listen, why don't we just leave that position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability.\nDavid: Look, Michael, Charles is very qualified. Get to know him. I really think the two of you are going to make a great team.\nMichael: But the branch is still mine?\nDavid: You're still the branch manager, yes, and if you need anything else at all, just let Charles know.\nDwight: Ask him about the party.\nMichael: Oh, right. David, are you coming to my fifteenth anniversary party?\nDavid: I'll give it my best shot, Michael.\nDwight: No the other thing.\nMichael: Oh, ok. If we hire Cirque de Soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with year-end tax stuff? [several seconds of silence]\nDwight: He hung up?\nDavid: No.\nMichael: I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better. And I agree, so what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before.\nCharles: No.\nMichael: Come on. What's your wife's name? Where did you work before you came here?\nCharles: Saticoy Steel.\nMichael: Beautiful. See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names.\nCharles: No, I worked at a company called Saticoy Steel.\nMichael: You're not from paper?\nCharles: No.\nMichael: Does David know this?\nCharles: Yeah, he knows. He just wants a good manager.\nMichael: Well that, actually, is an excellent segue into really what is my only point-\nCharles: And what is that?\nMichael: And that- I-I don't need to be managed, Charles. And if you want pick up some tips, observing here, and take them to the other branches, it's all good. But Jan would mostly come by when she was super horny, and Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry, so... Are we clear?\nCharles: That's not how I plan on doing things.\nMichael: Ok, alright, well I'll just bounce that off David, see what comes back.\nCharles: I'll tell David what he needs to know. Sorry. David wants it this way.\nMichael: Whatever David wants.\nCharles: Ok.\nMichael: [on phone] Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible. Thanks.\nDwight: Oh, Michael, come on, no. You have to charm 'em. [calls back on speakerphone]\nStephanie: David Wallace's office.\nDwight: Hey there, gorgeous. How you doing today?\nStephanie: Good. Thank you.\nDwight: How's it hanging?\nStephanie: Alright. . .\nDwight: Good. Listen, my name is, uh, Michael... Scotch. And, uh, I just wanted to say that, uh, I've got David Wallace's son in the trunk of my car. If he doesn't get on this phone in 5 seconds-\nMichael: No! You idiot! [hangs up] Idiot, idiot, idiot! What are you doing? God! Oh my god. [redials]\nStephanie: David Wallace's office.\nMichael: Hi Stephanie, it's Michael Scott again. I just spoke with Michael Scotch and the son's going to be returned, everything's fine.\nStephanie: Michael...\nMichael: And I really really need to talk to David.\nStephanie: Please hold.\nCharles: [on cell phone] Charles Miner. Hello? Hello, who is this? Who is this?\nMichael: I was never given a name. [hangs up, he and Dwight sigh in relief]\nPam: [to delivery men] Uh, hi, can I help you? I don't think anyone here-\nCharles: Oh, uh, Pam? Hey everyone, lunch is on me today.\nAngela: That is so unnecessary!\nMichael: Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast?\nCharles: It's no big deal.\nMichael: I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad.\nCharles: You still have that option. [Michael sighs]\nAngela: Thanks again, Charles.\nKelly: Thank you.\nMichael: Nobody thanked me.\nJim: Thanks, Charles.\nMichael: For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties, and then you spend all of this money on lunch, I think it's a little hypercritical.\nCharles: I do this for every branch I go to. If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels left over from this morning.\nMichael: [on phone] Damn it, Stephanie, put me through to him. Is that him in the background? David? David! David, pick up the phone!\nKelly: Should I seduce him?\nAngela: No. No one wants to see that. [both smile at David]\nKevin: Michael?\nMichael: Yep.\nKevin: I just realized that I used the 2008 calendar to do the spreadsheets for January and February. I may need to come in this weekend to fix it.\nMichael: Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what, Kevin, I applaud your initiative. Yes. You may.\nCharles: Uh, no, sorry, Michael. No, Kevin, right? We're going to need you to do that during office hours.\nKevin: Ok.\nCharles: Ok.\nMichael: Kevin? This is my branch. You don't ask Charles. You ask me. I say, approved.\nCharles: That's not the way it's gonna work.\nMichael: Yes it is!\nCharles: No, it is not.\nMichael: No, it is not.\nCharles: Ok, so we're on the same page, great.\nMichael: Ok, so we're on the same page, great.\nCharles: Ok, Michael, what are you doing?\nMichael: Ok, Michael, what are you doing?\nCharles: No, seriously.\nMichael: No, seriously.\nCharles: How old are you?\nMichael: How old are you?\nPam: Oh no.\nPam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do, the more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.\nCharles: Five years old?\nMichael: Five years old?\nAndy: Duuudes, stop.\nEmployees: [as Michael continues imitating Charles] Not a good idea, Michael. Michael, stop. Stop doing that. Stop it. You're going to get all of us in trouble.\nCharles: I will walk away.\nMichael: I'm gonna walk away.\nAndy: Stop doing that!\nMichael: I'm kidding around, wow! Relax, everybody, it's just a joke. It's fine. Boy, so touchy. PPC, let's continue our morning meeting in the conference room.\nPam: And then, out of that cake, pops another stripper holding a smaller cake. And then an even smaller stripper pops out of that one.\nMichael: What is that smaller stripper holding?\nPam: Cupcake. It's cupcakes and strippers all the way down.\nMichael: Ok.\nCharles: What exactly is the PPC?\nPhyllis: Oh, that's the Party Planning Committee. They spend hours planning parties.\nCharles: Excuse me, guys. What's going on in here?\nMichael: Party Planning Committee. Not your concern, Charles.\nCharles: This doesn't seem like a good way to spend company time.\nMichael: Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead.\nJim: No, I would like to get back to work, actually, please.\nCharles: Whatcha got, Jim?... What is a two-way petting zoo?\nJim: You pet the animals and they pet you back.\nMichael: It's a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay.\nPam: It's really just a regular shaped cake.\nMichael: But it's cool, and it's-\nCharles: This isn't a good use of company time, Michael.\nMichael: Whoa. You're talking about my anniversary party, so. . .\nCharles: Everyone, except for Michael, go back to your desks.\nMichael: Yeah, why don't you do that?\nCharles: [Dwight, Jim and Pam leave] Thank you very much.\nMichael: Yeah, here we go. Ok.\nCharles: Ok, Michael, I'm dissolving this committee.\nMichael: What?\nCharles: Yeah, I mean, come on. This is a work place. It isn't designed for your vanity.\nMichael: Newsflash: I've been here for fifteen years. Headline: You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story!\nCharles: I don't know if I have hurt your feelings or you do not disagree with my methods, but it is over.\nMichael: Ok, no, no, no, no. No. You know what? I'm going to New York. And I am going to talk to David Wallace. [gets jacket] I'm going to tell him everything. And I'm sorry to say, you're screwed. And, you know what? You are gonna be through. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do that to you. Do you even know how paper is made? It's not like steel. You don't put it into a furnace. If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen? You'd ruin it. [pushes chair as he leaves]\nCharles: [Jim knocks on door] Come in.\nJim: Hey.\nCharles: Hey.\nJim: Alright, Charles, I've gotta be honest. I think we really got off on the wrong foot here. And, truth be told, I'm a pretty smart guy, and, uh, a hard-worker. And a great number two for the office.\nCharles: Number two?\nJim: Second-in-command to Michael.\nCharles: Oh, I didn't know that position existed.\nJim: Oh, that's because at first it was a made up position for Dwight, just to make him feel better, assistant to the regional manager. But then he lost that, and Michael gave it to me.\nCharles: So you're the assistant to the regional manager?\nJim: Assistant regional manager, yeah.\nCharles: Any responsibilities come with it?\nJim: No, not exactly.\nCharles: So you keep this made up position? It's important to you?\nJim: Alright, I will, um, I'm just gonna let you get back to that.\nCharles: Yeah, would you, uh?\nJim: Yep. [shuts door behind him]\nMichael: Hello, Stephanie. Ok, where is he? [looks into empty office]\nDavid: [coming out from bathroom] Michael.\nMichael: [points to bathroom door] So is this the meeting you've been in all day?\nDavid: How did you get here, Michael?\nMichael: I drove.\nDavid: Ok.\nMichael: Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. I've already bought em. And I don't have a place to store them. So, I feel like I've been sort of boned.\nDavid: Michael. Listen-\nMichael: Do you talk to him about this? You've talked to him all day, obviously. Did you talk to him about this?\nDavid: Well, I didn't know about the figs, specifically. . .\nMichael: Ok. Then I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles, and then Charles was supposed to talk to you, and that would dilute any need for me to ever talk to you again.\nDavid: That's not exactly-\nMichael: Clearly that's what you wanted.\nDavid: No.\nMichael: Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot.\nDavid: Yes.\nMichael: I've put having a family on hold.\nDavid: We didn't ask you to do that.\nMichael: And I've never gone hang-gliding. And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington.\nCharles: Ok. Nice meeting everyone. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.\nAndy: Cool.\nDwight: Excellent.\nAngela: It was very nice meeting you, Charles Miner.\nJim: See ya. See ya. [Charles leaves] Bye!\nJim: And for my next trick, I will make my career disappear.\nKelly: I could see our kids facing obstacles being half-Black and half-Indian, but it's so worth it, you guys.\nPhyllis: It's just me here.\nKelly: I am going to get him to buy me a prime rib tonight.\nPhyllis: I think he left.\nKelly: What?! Move! [pushes cameraman out of the way]\nAngela: [Kelly runs to parking lot in the rain] Hello, Charles? Charles!\nKelly: Hey! Is that his scarf?\nAngela: No! [Kelly chases Angela through parking lot]\nAngela: [out of breath and wet] Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not. He is a sophisticated man. He does not need to go dumpster-diving for companionship, ok?\nMichael: I don't understand that after fifteen years of service here, I have to get in the car and drive to New York in order to talk to you. That doesn't seem right to me. That doesn't seem fair. And I think that I've earned more than that.\nDavid: Yeah. You're right. Yes. I get it. I get it, Michael. Here's what I'm going to do-\nMichael: Ok.\nDavid: We will move some money around, and I will personally see to it that you have your party, you have your figs. I will be in attendance. It's gonna be great. How's that?\nMichael: [gets up to shake David's hand] I quit.\nDavid: What?\nMichael: You have no idea how high I can fly.\nAndy: I'm telling you, when corporate sends somebody, it is big trouble, or, really good news. And then sometimes it means business as usual.\nMeredith: Ok, what do you think?\nOscar: Well, it's-\nAndy: Why are you asking him? I just told you why he's here.\nCreed: The real question here is who's this guy work for?\nOscar: Dunder Mifflin.\nCreed: Ah, it's all starting to make sense now."}
{"text": "Michael: I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours, two hours to go. Feeling good. Listen to some tunes. Should've peed before I left.\nKelly: Michael get to the good part.\nMichael: Okay, so. I get up to the building, I get to the revolving door... broken! So I have to take the normal door.\nOscar: At least he is in the building.\nMichael: No, No! I was so nervous it was the wrong building! I walked into the wrong building!\nEveryone: [groans]\nPam: He finally has a story everyone wants to hear... and he knows it.\nPam: Okay focus. Focus. You're in the right building, you're with the right people; what happened?\nMichael: I looked at Wallace and I said 'I quit!' and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said 'You have no idea how high I can fly.'\nStanley: Did you tell him how sick of him you were?\nMichael: Why would I do that?\nAngela: Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he was incompetent?\nKevin: That he's wasted 15 years of your life?\nMeredith: Did you spit in his face?\nMichael: You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.\nOscar: I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I will have one of own someday. [laughs] But I dream... so...\nJim: [Michael has a 'sticky-hand' toy and snags a paper off Jim's desk and then laughs] About a week ago, Michael gave his 2-week notice. And, surprisingly there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying.\nKevin: Michael is that scotch?\nMichael: Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. [in Oscar's ear] Clinky, clinky-clink. Come-on... come on, come on.\nMichael: [slightly drunk] What am I gonna do? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I gonna stay up all day. Gonna sleep it up all night. I'm gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO! And I'm going to stop worrying about calories.\nStanley: Maybe you should go into your office, close the door, and make some calls about jobs?\nMichael: I have a job.\nAndy: For four more days.\nPam: Do you have any leads on a job?\nMichael: Pam, what you don't understand is that at my level you just don't look in the want-ads for a job. You are head-hunted.\nJim: You called any headhunters?\nMichael: Any good headhunter knows I am available.\nDwight: Any really good headhunter would storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife,\nJim: Right, cause that's what we are talking about.\nCharles: Uh, I need you to go over this client list and indicate any wrong or false data.\nMichael: You're 'I need you to' is my command.\nCharles: Okay.\nAndy: Hey Michael...\nMichael: Hey.\nAndy: Can I talk to you a minute?\nMichael: You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world. [eats some spaghetti] Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!\nAndy: I just wanted to tell you that... Oh What? [takes a present out from behind his back] What's that?\nMichael: Oh! Hey. What is this about?\nAndy: Um, you know, cause your leaving and so, it's a farewell...\nMichael: Oh.\nAndy: I hope I get to work with you someday again.\nMichael: Me too, me too. Is this wine?\nAndy: Ah... busted. Yes\nMichael: I already have wine.\nAndy: Oh.\nIsaac: [interviewee enters office] Hello.\nPam: Hi.\nIsaac: Isaac Silby here for the interview\nPam: Uh, yes. Please have a seat. It'll be a few minutes.\nIsaac: Thank you. [to Michael] You interviewing too?\nMichael: Hmm?\nIsaac: Interviewing?\nMichael: For?\nIsaac: Regional manager.\nMichael: Yes I am.\nCharles: For regional manager I've decided to go with an outside hire. For obvious reasons.\nMichael: Where you from?\nIsaac: Philly.\nMichael: That's a drive!\nIsaac: Yeah, well this is one of the few places that's hiring. It's uh, its brutal out there.\nMichael: [sighs]\nKevin: Pam?\nPam: Hmm?\nKevin: When will the new copier be ready?\nPam: I'm working on it Kev.\nKevin: You said it would be ready by today. And it is today.\nPam: It'll be ready soon.\nKevin: Soon could mean anything. Soon could be 3 weeks.\nPam: Is that what 'soon' means to you?\nKevin: Sometimes.\nPam: Then come back soon.\nPam: During the course of business, a copier goes though something called 'Normal wear and tear.'\nCreed: [feeding coins into a vent] I think it's 75 cents.\nOscar: That's a lot.\nAngela: [Bandit is chewing on wires] Bandit, No! No no no!\nKevin: [dumps coffee all over the copier glass] Oh!\nPam: Yesterday, they delivered the new one. But they didn't set it up. So my day just got a little more interesting. [holds up a huge manual]\nJim: [overhears loud monster noises] Its Monster dot com. Singular.\nMichael: Thank you. [groaning ceases]\nMichael: You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players. [dials phone]\nPhone: Hi, you've reached Prince Paper. We are sad to inform you that after 40 years of serving the community we are no longer in business. Thank you for your support. May God bless you. [girl's voice] Bye!\nMichael: [sighs] What am I gong to do? Uh... [chuckles].\nMichael: PSST! PSST!\nJim: Yeah... .you want me to come in your office? Oh.\nMichael: Okay, oh okay, okay. Close your eyes.\nJim: I would prefer not to.\nMichael: Just close your eyes. I'm going to start my own paper company.\nJim: You're starting your own paper company?\nMichael: yeah!\nJim: Why?\nMichael: Can you believe... cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.\nJim: Do you know the industry is in decline?\nMichael: Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline.\nJim: Right.\nMichael: Right, I know paper, I know how to manage. I have a name, close your eyes.\nJim: No, I did that before, it added nothing.\nMichael: Close them.\nJim: Okay. [keeps eyes open]\nMichael: Alright, Michael Scott Paper Company. You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?\nJim: I am not gonna do this.\nMichael: Obviously.\nJim: And you are not going to, either.\nMichael: Oh, agreed, mmm, except...\nJim: Here's the thing. What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company that A, exists, and B, has a salary. Because they're set up to do that kind of thing.\nMichael: Hey hey... what's up Chuck?\nCharles: Jim.\nJim: Hey.\nCharles: what are you doing?\nJim: Nothing, just talking.\nCharles: Okay, Michael handed in his 2-week notice, did you also hand in your 2-week?\nJim: I didn't... no.\nCharles: Okay. After you.\nMichael: No I'm staying.\nCharles: Okay.\nDwight: [examining the copier manual] Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?\nPam: No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.\nDwight: Typical American ignorance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. World War II.\nPam: That's a really... well fine, Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?\nDwight: Deutsch... let me see here. That is either an incense dispenser, or a ceremonial sarcophagus.\nPam: Hmm...\nDwight: My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious.\nMichael: Pam, listen. This order form. Instead of saying 'Dunder Mifflin' at the top is there any way I could get it to say something else?\nPam: Like Michael Scott Paper Company?\nMichael: You... oh. Somebody has been talking in bed. Pillow talk.\nPam: Hmm... yeah. Listen Michael. Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk.\nMichael: This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now.\nPam: Yeah... you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know.\nMichael: Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all these clients. Half of them, at least. I can do it again. I know the market, I know the price points. I'm on it, don't worry. So, how do I do that?\nPam: Well, um, you can scan it, and then you can upload the image, and then you can copy the new image.\nMichael: Can't I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?\nPam: Yeah. Good.\nMichael: Thank you very much.\nPam: Mmm-hmm\nKelly: So that is why I have to leave at 5: 00 on Tuesday, it's to pick up my little sisters from school. We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians..\nCharles: You know, you can run this stuff by Toby.\nKelly: Yeah I don't like talking... [knock on door]\nCharles: Come in...\nAngela: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were with anyone. I just wanted to bring you the brochure on that accounting seminar that I was telling you about. Earlier.\nKelly: Yep, we were in the middle of something so why don't you just...\nAngela: Okay, um, actually you know it was so much fun last year. There was a Sunday-bar. I mean I didn't have any, you know, to stay trim.\nCharles: Did Michael just let anybody in his office?\nAngela and Kelly: Yep! Yeah. He just loved having people, communicating all the time. He was like 'Come on in!'\nCharles: I am aware of the effect I have on woman.\nKelly: So you should be heading back to your desk.\nAngela: Okay. Bye Charles. Well you'll let me know. Good bye.\nKelly: She's such a special person. And she's turning 50 this year.\nMichael: I'm starting my own paper company.\nAndy: No way!?\nMichael: Yeah.\nAndy: In this climate?\nMichael: Yeah. In all climates. It's going to be worldwide. And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me. That's where you come in.\nAndy: Ehh... [in accent] well it's a very intriguing concept, isn't it? Um... hmmm..[makes weird noises to stall, Dwight enters] Michael is starting his own paper company. What do you think about that?\nDwight: Your own paper company.\nMichael: Can you believe it? Well, we'll see, we'll see. It's just a, just a nugget of an idea right now so\nDwight: Right...\nMichael: Potential, lots of potential. yes.\nDwight: What a courageous venture.\nMichael: It's... it's very courageous, very exciting. Um...\nDwight: Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities...\nMichael: That's what I was thinking, with the farm, so... You getting to wherever I'm gonna put my thing.\nDwight: Okay. So yeah.\nMichael: So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now.\nDwight: You know, I would love to put a pin in that.\nPam: Everyone, can I have your attention. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. Right? [drum roll on copier]\nMeredith: Little Ms. Thing wants attention.\nPam: Meredith... [copier has an error] Oh... so uh... G-44. It's not ready Kevin!\nPam: I'm at a crucial point where I have sunk 4 hours into that copier, and I am not going to let it beat me like that wireless router did.\nOscar: [bites his sandwich and notices there is a note in it]\nOscar: You put a note in my food?\nMichael: I made it sterile.\nOscar: Just to say 'sterile' doesn't make it so.\nMichael: I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me.\nOscar: Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research, financials?\nMichael: No, no no.\nOscar: You need those things. Most new businesses, they don't make a profit till at least two years. And then your margins will be razor thin. Best case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least 5 years. Can you go 5 years without a salary, Michael?\nMichael: Okay.\nOscar: Five years?\nMichael: Okay, hey, you already have the job. You don't have to convince me.\nOscar: It's just not prudent Michael.\nMichael: [from inside the restroom] Stanley?\nStanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?\nMichael: Listen, Listen, Stanley. You don't have to answer me now.\nStanley: No.\nMichael: Just... I want you to think about it, I'm starting my own company.\nStanley: No.\nMichael: Oh-okay, you're not letting me finish, and you just lost out on a million dollars.\nStanley: No I didn't.\nMichael: You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said 'Yes' to that either.\nPam: How's it working?\nPhyllis: Um, let's see... it's fine.\nPam: Good.\nPam: I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons, even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book, in plastic with offset colors. Which feels...\nCharles: Hey Hank, You ready?\nHank: Yeah.\nCharles: Okay, Michael?\nMichael: Hmm?\nCharles: I can't pretend I haven't seen that. So I am going e to ask you to stand up, walk out. And you can't take anything.\nMichael: Okay, I have immunity. It's my two-weeks...\nCharles: not if you're starting your own paper company, Michael. Hank...\nHank: Okay Michael.\nMichael: Hank? You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank, please escort Charles from the building.\nHank: Come on man, let's, let's go.\nKevin: I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy. And he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there.\nMichael: [to everyone] Well here we are... I would just like to...\nCharles: No, no no no. You're done, Michael.\nMichael: [yelling from Parking lot] Alright then everybody, I'm outta here!\nAndy: [from behind the upstairs window] What is he doing? It looks like he's saying something.\nKevin: I think he's singing.\nOscar: I can't believe this is really happening.\nMichael: ... and I feel free!\nOscar: And just like that. As mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone. [Michael sneaks back in the parking lot, and into a back door of the building]\nAndy: The whole office feels darker, you know? It's just a sad dark day.\nPhyllis: Andy He's gone.\nAndy: I know.\nPhyllis: You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.\nToby: Michael is like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch. And when it's over you're like... how much time is left on this flight? Now what?\nPam: [Michael is Army crawling around the office] Michael?\nMichael: Shh shh shh... don't look down, look straight up. Come on please!\nAngela: These are for employees only.\nMichael: Angela Kevin, you have to help me out I just need a few things then I will be gone.\nKevin: Michael, why is it that you asked everyone except me, Angela, Creed, and Meredith?\nMichael: I was going to, I wanted to. But I had to start somewhere.\nKevin: But you didn't want to start with us?\nMichael: No, of course not. But now I want everybody. Jim! Jim? Buddy, Hey! Buddy, Jimbo? Did you have time to think about my offer?\nJim: I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else.\nMichael: So which way are you leaning?\nJim: Well it is tempting but I am 100% leaning towards something else.\nMichael: Thanks Jim.\nCharles: Hey, did anyone see the client list that Michael was supposed to be working on.\nDwight: No.\nCharles: Okay, let me know if you find it.\nMichael: Okay, Okay, we don't have much time. Just act normal. Don't look at me people. Stop. Don't look down. Don't look down. He's going to see me. Don't look all the way up. Keep it at a normal height. Okay. This is not Michael Scott talking right now, this is your future. Hello, I am your future. You're older, and you are very happy now. Because you went with Michael Scott. Right. So everybody come on down. Lets just crawl out of here together. Alright? Come on! Are you, are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? [Pam is thinking hard] Alright. Everybody who's going to go with me I want you to stomp your foot. Okay, alright. Come on. You're coming with me. Come on Phyllis. Here we go, here we go!\nCharles: Michael get up!\nMichael: Oh God... okay alright. It's time to go it's time to go. Jim, let's go. Come on!\nCharles: Michael, what are you doing?\nMichael: I think maybe Hank should be here.\nCharles: Hank? No, I don't need Hank Michael.\nMichael: You're going to mess with me, is that what you're going to do? I'll tell you something Charles, I don't even care. Cause I've got nothing got lose. [Charles steps towards Michael] Oh my God, OH GOD! No no, all right. Fine, it's not even worth it.\nPam: Oh no.\nJim: What?\nPam: I'm going with him.\nJim: What? Pam!\nPam: I'm going.\nJim: Pam! You can't be serious.\nPam: Michael, wait! I'm coming with you.\nMichael: You are?\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: Okay. It's going to be great.\nPam: Great. Uh, except, I don't want to be a receptionist anymore.\nMichael: Right... Executive assistant.\nPam: Salesman.\nMichael: Alright, okay. Deal! Okay, well... Jim?\nJim: Still no.\nMichael: Well, okay, lets go.\nPam: Oh, all my stuff is still upstairs so...\nMichael: Are people watching?\nPam: Probably.\nJim: Michael, its not how you leave in an office. It how you...\nMichael: Jim Jim Jim... we're having a company meeting here.\nJim: I'll bring your stuff home. Okay, bye.\nPam: Okay, see you later.\nMichael: Bye.\nCharles: So, we had a personnel change today. Shouldn't effect our day to day. But, until we get a new receptionist I want Kevin on the phones.\nKevin: Phones?\nCharles: Also, there has been too much wasted time. So Stanley.\nStanley: [holding a crossword puzzle] Yes.\nCharles: Yeah, I want you to be on top of that okay? I want you to be my productivity czar. Okay, good. Uh, okay that it on my list. So uh, you know, no excuses guys. Lets get going okay? [everyone leaves except Kevin and Stanley, who are sitting stunned in their chairs]"}
{"text": "Jim: [phone ringing] You gonna answer that, Kev?\nKevin: Oh, right. Thanks. [reading off index card] Dunder Mifflin, this is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you. [cupping the mouthpiece, yelling] Oscar, your mom!\nJim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? [pause] I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.\nKevin: Please hold. [cupping mouthpiece and holding out the phone] Andy! Phone call.\nJim: No. [Andy gets up from his desk] Stay there. Kev, thought we nailed the whole transfer thing earlier.\nKevin: Yeah, I wrote it on my hand... but then I washed it.\nJim: It is transfer, extension, and then transfer again.\nKevin: Okay. Andy, get ready. [muttering] Transfer. Extension. Transfer.\nJim: Here we go. [Meredith's phone rings. Jim and Andy groan.]\nKevin: Oh, man!\nAndy: It is 1-3-4, Kev! [Kevin runs to the phone]\nJim: Kev, c'mon.\nDwight: Hustle!\nKevin: Hold it.\nAndy: You are murdering the Nard-dog!\nKevin: [on phone] This is Kevin. Please hold and I will transfer you. [Phyllis's phone rings]\nAngela: You're bad at this too!\nKevin: [running to the phone] Just... don't answer that call!\nStanley: Just transfer the damn call.\nKevin: Your call is very important to us. Ple-[Andy's phone rings]\nAndy: Hey-o! [applauding and cheering]\nDwight: Way to go.\nAndy: My maid died.\nPam: Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know, Apple Computers started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple. [picks up piece of mail] Look, it's official! [door opens, Michael is in a bath robe]\nMichael: Oh, good. My hooker's here. [laughs] Hi.\nPam: Michael, you were expecting me, right?\nMichael: Yes I was. Yes I was.\nPam: Are you wearing anything under the robe?\nMichael: That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in.\nPam: This looks great, Michael.\nMichael: Thank you. Would you like some french toast?\nPam: Yes, please.\nMichael: What shape?\nPam: ... Square is fine.\nMichael: Alright.\nCharles: Just want to fill you in on a few details. As you know, I will be running the branch while we search for Michael's replacement. So please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns. [Kelly raises hand] Yeah.\nKelly: Where will you be staying while you're in Scranton?\nCharles: Eh, uh, in a hotel.\nAngela: Charles, where were you born?\nCharles: Actually, I meant questions more about the day-to-day operations of the company. Kay. [Andy raises hand] Yeah.\nAndy: How are operations of the company? Just, day-to day.\nCharles: Okay, let's go over non-discretionary cuts. Okay, guys? [Charles sees Stanley with his crossword, Charles stares and he puts it away] Thank you. So, umm...\nJim: [whispering] Would you please stop that?\nDwight: What?\nJim: You're breathing very heavily.\nDwight: This is how I breathe.\nJim: No it's not.\nDwight: If you want to tell me -\nCharles: Okay, Jim Halpert. I need your eyes up front.\nJim: Oh no. I was just -\nCharles: No. Hey, hey. I just want to hear 'yes'.\nJim: ... Yes.\nCharles: Good. As I was saying...\nDwight: Oh no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable! Ohhhh! [smiles]\nPam: So, what do you say we get started?\nMichael: After breakfast.\nPam: I'm full.\nMichael: So how you feeling about the new company?\nPam: I feel good. [sees a huge pile of French toast] Wow.\nMichael: You excited? About the new company?\nPam: Yeah. I'm excited to start the company.\nMichael: After breakfast.\nPam: We did that. So, what's next? Michael, just stop for a second. [reaches out to take the whisk] Michael. Stop for a second.\nMichael: No, I'm whipping them.\nPam: No, I know you are.\nMichael: Just let go.\nPam: Just let me have... Oh.\nMichael: Let go, please. Just gimmee -\nPam: Fine! [eggs splatter all over his robe] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.\nMichael: I can't do this! This is pathetic, isn't it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this? I have egg in my Crocs.\nPhyllis: I never see him drink. I never see him eat.\nStanley: I don't think he even uses the bathroom.\nCreed: Oh, he does. He does.\nMichael: [doing situps] I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.\nPam: You know, Michael. When I feel overwhelmed -\nMichael: I'm not overwhelmed, Pam.\nPam: I know! No, I'm saying that when I feel overwhelmed, something I like to do is make a list. Make a list of things to do and then start with the easy stuff.\nMicheal: Whatever calms you down.\nPam: Okay, first, work out. And, hey! Look! You did that. Check. [Michael doing leg lifts] Eat an enormous breakfast. Check.\nMichael: Don't patronize me, Pam.\nPam: I think you should get dressed.\nMichael: I'm not getting dressed. I'm not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients.\nPam: Michael, that seems impossible.\nMichael: It's totally impossible!\nPam: We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today.\nMichael: Assemble a sales team. A dream team.\nPam: Great.\nMichael: Okay, Ryan.\nPam: No. What? Why?\nMichael: He's everything I'm not and everything I am. He's the whole package.\nPam: No. We're not gonna hire Ryan.\nMichael: Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman I've ever met.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: He worked at that telemarketing place.\nPam: We'll find him.\nMichael: Okay. Oh also, we have a meeting this afternoon with a potential investor.\nPam: Really?\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: We have an investor already?\nMichael: Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her.\nPam: Michael, that's fantastic.\nMichael: Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. Got a few things cookin'. [sits down in robe, legs spread wide] Umm...\nPam: Hey! We need to get you dressed!\nPam: I have doubts about this too. But when one person freaks out, sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer. That's one thing I've learned about relationships. I hate that I just used the word relationship. [Michael comes out in a suit] Hey! You look great! [checks something off her list] Let's go!\nMichael: Alright.\nAndy: [laughing at something on his computer]\nCharles: You a soccer fan?\nAndy: Oh. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. You weren't supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession.\nCharles: Well, that makes two of us.\nAndy: No way!\nCharles: Yeah.\nAndy: I hate soccer. But guess who doesn't hate soccer? Charles Miner.\nCharles: I was actually in Germany for the 2006 World Cup Finals.\nAndy: Ahhh. You bastard! That shoulda been me!\nCharles: Yeah, I love the sport. I love the sport. Alright, man.\nAndy: Cool!\nJim: I've never been a kiss up. I - it's just not how I operate. I mean, I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work. Half-heartedly.\nPam: Next on the list - open the mail.\nMichael: Oh. Wow. 'Michael Scott Paper Company.' Okay. Very official. 'Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty, a forfeiture of residence.'\nPam: No, okay. It's fine. It's fine. We're just gonna add 'find office'...\nMichael: How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?\nPam: Next on the list - song parodies.\nMichael: Okay. Okay. 'Achey Breaky Fart.'\nPam: Great. Let's sing it in the car.\nMichael: No! No No. No. 'My Stumps.' Like 'My Humps' but a guy with no legs.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: We can do this.\nPam: We can do this.\nAndy: Whoa! And he just goes, 'Boom'. [kicking motion] Goal!\nCharles: Yep. Yep. That's Pele.\nAndy: You know your soccer, man.\nCharles: I know. Yes I do.\nStanley: I prefer [looks down at palms] Maradona. Uhhh... Diego Maradona.\nCharles: Oh yeah?\nStanley: From Argentina.\nCharles: I didn't know we had so many, uh, soccer fans in the office.\nAndy: I mean, to be fair, I was the first one to talk about it, but...\nCharles: What about you, Jim? You a fan of the game?\nJim: Uh, no. Nope. Not really.\nCharles: Well, it's not for everybody I suppose. [Andy laughs]\nJim: It's 'cause I'm more of a player.\nCharles: Yeah?\nJim: You bet.\nDwight: Really, Jim? I had no idea you played soccer. 'Cause you never, ever talk about it.\nJim: Well I do.\nDwight: Wow.\nJim: I play.\nDwight: You can be so modest sometimes.\nJim: Well, maybe you should get back to work.\nDwight: Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around.\nJim: Maybe we will someday.\nDwight: Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say?\nCharles: That's a great idea, Dwight.\nDwight: Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table.\nJim: Yeah.\nDwight: I don't try and be anything that I'm not.\nCharles: What do you say, Jim? Huh? Wanna play some soccer?\nDwight: Jim, what do you say?\nAngela: Sounds fun.\nAndy: I'm in it to win.\nDwight: Game on!\nCharles: Okay. See you on the field, there, bro.\nJim: Let's... eh... see ya.\nCharles: See you on the field. Ha, ha. I can't wait!\nJim: Yep, I used to play soccer in school. From second to fourth grade. I was on the orange team.\nPam: [Michael comes out with Vikram, arms raised] We got Vikram!\nVikram: You got me.\nVikram: Where are we going?\nPam: We have a meeting with an investor today.\nMichael: Yes we do. So, get excited. But I have to go the bathroom real quick. If you'll excuse me, be right back. [gets out of the car] Ah, okay.\nVikram: He seems really confident.\nPam: He can be.\nVikram: Confidence. It's the food of the wise man but the liquor of the fool.\nPam: Hm. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Vikram.\nMichael: Hey. I would like a pair of size nine, please. [Ryan is working at the bowling alley] It's Michael.\nRyan: I'm swamped, Michael. [over the PA] Happy birthday to Sally in lane 27.\nMichael: Okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past misconduct because they have no files.\nVikram: He's taking a long time. Is it possible he's bowling? I mean, you know him better than I do.\nPam: Yes. Yes, it's possible.\nMichael: Well, it has always been a lifelong dream.\nPam: Michael! What's going on?\nMichael: I'm...\nPam: Hey, Ryan.\nRyan: Hey, you.\nMichael: Excuse me. Yes?\nPam: This wasn't on the list.\nMichael: Yes, it is.\nPam: No.\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: It's not.\nMichael: It is.\nPam: [looks at list] When did you add this to the list?\nMichael: Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance. [walks back to Ryan] Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?\nRyan: Sixty thousand dollars a year.\nPam: You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?\nRyan: What do you make, secretary?\nSupervisor: Back to work, shoe bitch!\nRyan: I told you guys, I'm really busy here, so...\nMichael: Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?\nRyan: What size shoes are you guys?\nMichael: Uh, nine.\nRyan: What are those, a men's ten?\nPam: No.\nMichael: [Ryan grabs some shoes] Look what he's doing.\nPam: What is he doing?\nMichael: He's stealing them. Okay, okay.\nPam: Oh my God.\nMichael: He's already paying for himself.\nPam: Sorry!\nRyan: Where is it?\nMichael: Right here.\nVikram: Hey, c'mon, guys. These are prime selling hours, you know.\nCharles: Miner - [kicking a piece of trash]\nJim: Oh, there he goes.\nCharles: ...sees his partner -\nJim: Yikes.\nCharles: Halpert. He looks up!\nJim: Aw, man.\nCharles: Defending duo! He sets him up! [Jim moves the piece of trash with his hands] He sets him up. Yeah. Oh-ho!\nJim: Oh! Goal!\nCharles: Aw, man, I can't wait to play with you.\nJim: Aw, it's gonna be the [softly] worst.\nRyan: Do you guys want to hear about Thailand?\nMichael: Oh yeah.\nPam: Sure.\nRyan: It was indescribable.\nMichael: Sounds awesome.\nPam: Beat.\nVikram: What sort of investing club is this?\nMichal: Vikram, you ask a lot of questions and I like that. Hey, Nana! Hi!\nPam: [mouthing to camera] Nana?\nNana: Michael!\nMichael: People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nana's investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality, then I'm sure that's what she would have wanted. Does want.\nMichael: Well I'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules, so I appreciate you meeting with us here today. What this is is a business that I have worked toward my entire life. Hey! [snaps in front of sleeping old man] I have assembled what I believe to be the most exciting, sought-after talent in the industry today. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dream team. From our very own Scranton, Pennsylvania - Pam Beesly. Pretty Pam is always reaching for the stars and someday, she may just surprise us all and grab one. Meet Vikram. From his humble beginnings as a - stay standing - from his humble beginnings as a prominent surgeon, he risked it all to become the most successful telemarketer in the lipophedrene industry. And do not call it a comeback. The youngest vice president in the history of Dunder Mifflin, and recent bowling alley employee, Ryan Howard is about to make a splash in paper.\nNana: So let's hear it.\nMichael: Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead, I think I can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit.\nNana: How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy?\nMichael: By wanting it more. By working hard-\nNana: What's your mission statement?\nMichael: Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows: I will not be beat. I will never give up. I am on a mission. That is the Michael Scott guarantee.\nCharles: C'mon, Oscar. What positions do people play?\nDwight: Wing.\nKevin: Wag.\nCharles: Jim. What do you play?\nJim: Left.\nCharles: Forward or half?\nJim: Forward, definitely.\nChares: Okay, striker, huh?\nJim: Striker!\nCharles: Let's see what you got in those legs!\nJim: Alright! Let's do it.\nCharles: Alright. [Dwight blows whistle in Jim's face] No, no, no. That's supposed to be the kickoff.\nJim: Kickoff. [to camera] My strategy is to touch the ball as little as possible. Chalk it up to teamwork. [to team] Alright! [clapping]\nMichael: And I offer same day, free delivery.\nNana: Michael, I don't know about this.\nMichael: Nana. [softly] I really think that Papa would want you to do this.\nNana: I'm not so sure.\nMichael: Well what is it exactly? I mean, what, what specifically? We don't - it doesn't have to be paper. We could sell medicine and other...\nNana: See, this is what concerns me.\nOld Woman: We could just give him a chance. It's not much money.\nMichael: Well... this might not be the right time, but I need more than I originally asked for.\nNana: This isn't a handout club. It's an investment club!\nMichael: Okay.\nNana: I love you, Michael. I do.\nMichael: Okay.\nNana: But no. I mean it. No.\nVikram: I thought Nana raised some good questions. What kind of a name is Nana?\nPam: It means grandmother.\nVikram: Oh, sweet Jesus. Look, I'm sorry to do this, but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building?\nVikram: You know, Michael? You want to succeed? You got to apply the same- [Michael slams door]\nAndy: Get 'im, Jim! C'mon, tough D, Jim. [Charles kicks, ball hits Phyllis in the nose]\nCharles: Oh, my God! Oh wow. Jim, what the?\nOscar: Phyllis, Phyllis.\nCharles: Phyllis, are you okay? Are, you okay?\nPhyllis: [muffled] No, I swallowed a crown.\nCharles: Why'd you duck, Jim?\nJim: What?\nDwight: Yeah, Jim. Why would an experienced soccer player like yourself duck at the very last moment?\nJim: Okay, I'm just gonna go get some ice.\nCharles: Does that make you feel better? Huh?\nJim: I'm sorry, Phyllis.\nCharles: Oh, yeah. Jim's sorry.\nRyan: Do you get TNT? The station? Do you get TNT?\nMichael: Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup. [to Pam] Yeah, I know. Two not-so-great things in a row. Ehhhh, well. Stuff happens, right? At least we got Ryan. The Rye-guy. We should call him Rye bread. We don't have to call him that. Unless you like it. We could call him that.\nPam: I can't do this.\nMichael: What's that?\nPam: I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat ten feet away from my fiance. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.\nMichael: Blech.\nPam: I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up and then I - I, I do something too big, like this. Who does this?\nMichael: Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that's why God made so many.\nPam: We don't have any money. We don't have an office. We don't have anything.\nMichael: Well we should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let's get you out of the car. Alright. [Pam tosses list out car window] Okay...\nPam: How come out of everyone in the office, I'm the only one that went with you? Is it because I'm that stupid? I mean, your own grandmother doesn't even believe in you!\nMichael: I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now, kay? You quit your job. I quit my job. We both quit. Those are the facts. That's what happened. Now, what are our choices right now? Because you know, kiddo, you quit.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: So what are our options? Well, we can start this paper company. We can try. Or... that's it. That's our only option. Because we quit. Pam, I do my best work when people don't believe in me. I remember in high school, my math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out. And know what I did? The very next day I went out and I scored more goals than anyone else in the history of the hockey team. See what I mean? I thrive on this. I thrive on it. So I'm gonna go inside. I'm going to make some calls, I'm gonna get us an office space, and I'm going to show you why you joined this company. Okay? [Pam nods]\nMichael: You gotta have some extra space. Philly, work with me here. There's gotta be some sort of secret office that you have... lurkin' around... some awesome, free, keep it off the books... Oh, no. Not there. That would be humiliating.\nMichael: I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. That's what being a man is. And earlier today, I was freaking out. Pam stepped up. She was the man. Don't think a woman can be a man? Well, then that's your stereotype, not mine.\nMichael: [walks into room] Okay.\nPam: I could work here. I could see this.\nMichael: It's right in the middle of the paper belt.\nPam: Are you good?\nMichael: Yeah, I'm good. You good?\nPam: I'm good.\nMichael: You know what they say, keep your friends close. [pointing to office sign where 'Dunder Mifflin' is listed right above 'Michael Scott Pap']\nCharles: Michael, you're back.\nMichael: Yes, I am, Charles.\nCharles: Mmmhmm.\nMichael: Except this time, you have no legal right to kick me out, because I have started my very own paper company right here in the building. If I were you, Charles Miner, I would watch your step. Because the Michael Scott Paper Company is about to open a big ol' can of whoopass on Dunder Mifflin. [Pam and Michael stare him down, he walks away] Actually a six pack. We're gonna open a six pack of whoopass. He looks scared."}
{"text": "Michael: It's Britney bitch. And I am back, in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company. [tries to parallel park, hits car.] Okay. Not gonna make this one. [drives away revealing plenty of space for the Cruiser]\nJim: LOVE the hair. [Ryan walks up driveway with blonde dyed hair]\nPam: Morning Michael!\nMichael: Hello! They took away my parking space but they can't take away my pride! [awkwardly climbs out of his car]\nMichael: I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. [nips mylar ribbon with hedge clippers, it won't cut, he tears it down] Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!\nKelly: So. I thought we could take the customer on a... Then. Then we could...\nJim: You realize you're not actually talking to me, right?\nKelly: And...\nCharles: Hey Kelly?\nKelly: Yes? Charles, you wanted me?\nCharles: Oh, I meant, I meant that Kelly. [New receptionist walks in]\nJim: The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk, so that she can run into his Charles' office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks if she says 'You wanted me' enough, he will in fact want her. It's not the worse plan she's ever had.\nCharles: Oh, and Kelly...\nKelly: Yes Charles? Yes, you wanted me?\nCharles: Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay? And you, Hannon.\nErin: If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.\nCharles: Erin. Okay, that's very pretty.\nKelly: Well you know what my middle name is? Rajani Ghana! And I hate it! I hate it!\nKevin: I thought Rajini Ghanda was a boy's name?\nMichael: We are in the heart of it. [Bathroom sounds rattle the small office.] And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.\nPam: What should we do now?\nMichael: We wait, and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon.\nMichael: I don't know I think we've done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I've updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it.\nMichael: I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service. [He sets sheet between Pam and Ryan on desk. Neither takes it.]\nPam: I make that one copy, and I become the girl who makes copies, and by the end of the day I'm receptionist again. And the worst part is, I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it's cold in there. Cause it's technically a closet.\nAndy: What do you think?\nDwight: Let me check. [Pulls out hunting scope] Oh nope! Clearly a hunter. Who knows how to throw an outfit together.\nAndy: Thank you!\nDwight: Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.\nRyan: You should come into town this weekend man. Yeah, we'll hang out Scranton style.\nMichael: Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend.\nRyan: Please don't listen to my phone calls. Yeah, she's like um, she'd probably be a Six in New York, but she's like a Seven here in Scranton. And then uh, my boss is my old boss from Dunder Mifflin. It's a small space.\nCharles: Hey Jim can I get a, um-\nJim: Hi! [Awkward]\nCharles: Hi. I need a rundown of your clients, can you get that to me.\nJim: Sure!\nCharles: Yeah.\nJim: Okay.\nJim: What the hell's a rundown?\nJim: When did you need that rundown by?\nCharles: As soon as possible.\nJim: Okay.\nCharles: Just get it right.\nJim: Yeah. Gotcha. Of course. I'm gonna dive in. To the rundown. I'll be exhausted 'cause it's like a triathlon. [At door.] Do you want to close this? Close, or keep it?\nErin: Oh.\nDwight: You know there's a ghost in this office\nErin: Really?\nDwight: A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. Haddie McGonagle. She was a prostitute.\nErin: Why was she in this building?\nDwight: Oh, this whole place used to be a brothel. There was a tavern on the ground floor.\nErin: That's crazy.\nDwight: Yeah isn't it? She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.\nErin: Oh my god!\nDwight: It was gruesome. They say she walks these hallways. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder?\nErin: Hmm.\nDwight: That could be Haddie. Begging for her life. And it could mean, that you're next. [Taps her shoulder]\nErin: Oh! [Dwight and Erin laugh.]\nDwight: Just kidding. You finding everything okay?\nErin: Yeah.\nDwight: Yeah?\nErin: Just got some ice.\nDwight: Erin [eerie voice] Erin...\nAndy: Oh, this is awkward. [Andy and Erin 'dance' trying to get out of each other's way]\nErin: Oops!\nAndy: Uh oh! Oh! Oh! [Andy improvs musical verbage]\nErin: So I'll see you guys around!\nDwight: Hey buddy.\nMichael: Hey Ryan? [Ryan watches Montgomery Flea Market ad on YouTube] Could you get to that copy from before?\nRyan: Pam's better at that stuff\nPam: That is so insulting.\nRyan: How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?\nPam: Because the thing you're saying I'm good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.\nRyan: I'm not judging it, it's like ... I could run GM but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying one is better than the other.\nPam: Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.\nRyan: What the hell? [Michael closed his laptop]\nMichael: Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I don't make copies, I'm the boss. Got it? I make originals.\nRyan: Yeah I make originals too.\nPam: Shut up!\nMichael: Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!\nPam: Really!\nRyan: Yeah!\nToby: Not much? What's up with you? [from bathroom above] Nah it's okay. I'm in the bathroom. Hey you been watching Damages this year? It's so good. No, you gotta tune in, it's as good as anything on HBO. [sound of pissing] Hey does blue go with tan?\nMichael: Would someone just make the copy?\nToby: I have like, like a blue shirt? I don't wear a lot of colors, I have a lot of tan. Uh huh.\nMichael: Just make that copy okay?\nPam: Seriously? This is what's so important, putting naked pictures on the desktop?\nRyan: That's me and my friend Jonathan from Thailand.\nPam: I don't want to look at your friend Jasmine's boobs all day.\nRyan: You could be hot too if you made any effort. At all.\nPam: Like how? Dyeing my hair blond?\nRyan: This is from the sun.\nPam: Oh yeah I bet.\nMichael: They're getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he's too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim.\nPam: Michael, we can hear you.\nMichael: I'm on the phone, please. Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. P's being a giant B.\nPam: Okay it's my turn.\nRyan: No don't take that, give that back!\nPam: Give it back for what? What're you gonna do with it?\nRyan: I'm gonna make a spreadsheet.\nPam: You're gonna make another 'spreadsheet.'\nRyan: Yeah!\nPam: Yeah exactly. It's my turn.\nRyan: Go make a copy, secretary.\nPam: Come on! Ryan!\nMichael: They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?\nDwight: Hey buddy, what are you up to?\nAndy: Um, nerthing?\nDwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated, and your skin flushed, and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis.\nAndy: Pffft.\nDwight: Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?\nAndy: The last thing I want to do, is step on your funk man.\nDwight: And I, yours. So I will cede her to you.\nAndy: No, that's ridiculous.\nDwight: No no no.\nAndy: Look you've been here longer, and besides, I'm a better wingman than I am a boyfriend so-\nDwight: Look I just want you and I to hang out so, you know. Just, [They Hi-5 badly] Boom.\nMichael: Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small.\nPam: Definitely.\nMichael: Okay. There are ... 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own.\nPam: We could work from home.\nRyan: Or you could fire one of us. Whoever has less education.\nMichael: Okay guys, thank you for the offers. But I want you to get pumped about this corner idea. All right? 1,2,3- What are we gonna do?\nPam: ... Corner idea?\nMichael: No, you're supposed to say, 'Rock the house.'\nRyan: Rock the house!\nPam: How would we know that?\nJim: Hey dude, you know what a 'rundown' is?\nOscar: Use it in a sentence.\nJim: Uh, can you get this rundown for me?' [impersonating Charles]\nOscar: Try another sentence.\nJim: This rundown better be really good'?\nOscar: I don't know but it sounds like the rundown is really important.\nJim: Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.\nOscar: Why don't you just ask him-\nJim: No. I can't. It was like, hours ago.\nOscar: What have you been doing?\nKevin: Try it in another sentence.\nRyan: Last night was crazy. Jojo? Yeah. He did a donut in a parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells, 'Hey cop, you like donuts?' then we drive off. No, he just stayed there. [Pam goes to sit in a chair in the corner.] I want that new phone. No, the other one. No the other one. No, you know which one I'm talking about it's the one, the one with the awesome browser. [More bathroom noises] No, not that one.\nMichael: That's my corner.\nPam: I thought that was your corner.\nMichael: No, this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work.\nPam: So my corner's the one with the copier?\nMichael: Pam, I don't make the rules. [Pam walks out.]\nRyan: Yeah. I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No I don't want an iPhone, I know what an iPhone is.\nCharles: You started on that rundown yet? [Looks at Jim's screen.]\nJim: Oh, this is just something I'm taking a break with.\nCharles: Oh.\nJim: I will get back to the rundown, uh, right now.\nCharles: Okay, great.\nJim: Hey you know what? Do you have a rundown that I could take a look at, just so I know what type of rundown you're looking for ?\nCharles: Just keep it simple.\nJim: Keeping it simple -that's what I'm doing. But I am working hard on this one. Real hard.\nCharles: You're working hard? On this?\nJim: No. Not too hard. Not harder than I should.\nCharles: Right. I mean why work harder than you should.\nJim: No, I...\nErin: Can I help you?\nPam: No thanks.\nJim: Hey!\nPam: Hey I'm here to see Charles.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Hey Charles.\nCharles: Hey Pam.\nPam: I know you're a very busy man so I'll cut right to the chase. I'd like my old job back.\nCharles: I don't know what to tell you. The job's been taken.\nPam: Um, well, I could come back as a salesman. I have experience now.\nCharles: Um.\nPam: Or I could come back as your personal assistant. You know? Sort your mail, set your appointments. I know all the people.\nCharles: Yeah I know.\nPam: Personal shopper?\nCharles: No.\nPam: Well it was great catching up with you. And I'll see you around the building.\nCharles: Okay.\nPam: I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that's okay. The air smells so good. I don't remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable.\nMichael: Oh hey! Stanley, Phyllis. Come on in. Welcome, welcome. Let me give you the tour.\nStanley: I get it. [To Phyllis] You need to see more?\nPhyllis: It's really cute.\nMichael: Thank you. You remember Ryan [Stanley laughs deeply] And Pam is around here somewhere.\nStanley: She's upstairs talking to Charles.\nMichael: What for?\nStanley: I don't know. [They shrug and leave.]\nRyan: Are we staying til five?\nMichael: Yes.\nMichael: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.\nMichael: Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary. [Flips a pancake. It's about 8x11 inches] Young sir, would you like a free pancake?\nRyan: I'm texting. I don't want to get my fingers sticky.\nMichael: Ryan, enough with the texting machine. Come on. And tuck in your shirt, you're the face of this company.\nMichael: Hey Pam.\nPam: Hey.\nMichael: You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?\nPam: Yeah, I needed to take care of some stuff.\nMichael: Yeah?\nPam: That's as specific as I'd like to be.\nMichael: Well, at least you're still being honest with me.\nJim: There's the rundown you asked for. I may have expanded some areas that you weren't prepared for.\nCharles: Great. Fax that to everyone on the distribution list.\nJim: Yeah sure. You want to look at it first?\nCharles: Do I need to?\nJim: No. No, I just wanted to make sure, it was in the same format. So that distribution list is gonna be my...?\nCharles: What's that?\nJim: The one I have. I'll use the one I have.\nJim: Just faxing. My Dad. A rundown.\nPam: We're small, but we're eager to make a name for ourselves.\nMan: Do you have a card?\nPam: Nope, I don't have a card, but I'll do you one better. A little scrap of paper.\nCreed: These are terrible boss. You gotta make them in a circle so that they cook evenly.\nMichael: These are shaped like paper.\nCreed: Well I don't even want these. [Takes the rectangle pancakes out of his coat.]\nMeredith: I'll take them for my kid.\nErin: Country roads, take me home, to the place...[Dwight is strumming the tune on his guitar] Sorry. I like that song. You're good!\nDwight: You're good.\nErin: Thank you.\nAndy: That was great, but it's just sort of, it's still a little choppy like. But don't worry, it's hard, it took me a while too. It's like [Andy plays Country Roads on his banjo.]\nErin: Wow!\nAndy: What? Oh my God you heard that I'm so embarrassed. I'm like so rusty.\nDwight: Oh it's good, you're coming along. It's really technically proficient but really there's no heart or soul in it.\nAndy: Really?\nDwight: Hey you want to sing with me? Almost heaven...\nDwight and Erin: West Virginia, Blue Ridge mountain, Shenandoah River [Andy vocalizes]\nDwight: In German! Leben ist dort alt, alter als die Baume, Junger als die Berge, wie eine Brise blasend\nDwight and Andy: Take me home, country roads, to the place, I belong. West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads. [Erin leaves]\nDwight: Take it Andy! Take me home, to the place I belong, Ba bah dah duh\nToby: You have to stop. [bangs on glass window]\nMichael: I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And, let me tell you something it was delicious. So the next day, I decided to make that sandwich. And in real life it is disgusting. [The phone rings] It is a disgusting sandwich. [It rings again.] And the reason I tell you this story. [phone] Pick up the phone.\nPam: Dunder Miff...Michael Scott Paper Company, this is Pam. Oh, hi Russell from the pancake luncheon, how are you? Well we'd like to do business with you too! How can we make that happen?\nRyan: Keep going. [Whispers]\nMichael: Don't tell them we have free delivery! [Also whispers]\nPam: We already offered free delivery!\nMichael: They don't know that!\nPam: Um, I can offer you free delivery on any order that you place today. Okay, twenty boxes? I can do... just a second. I can do 20 boxes at 43 dollars a box. Great!\nRyan: Write it down.\nMichael: Give him a guarantee.\nPam: A guarantee of what?\nMichael: Just say the word.\nPam: And I guarantee, that you will be satisfied! 'Cause your satisfaction is our guarantee! We guarantee it. We look forward to doing business with you too. Thank you Russell.\nMichael: Yes!\nPam: I made a sale!\nRyan: Oh!\nMichael: You did!\nPam: Oh!\nMichael: Oh yeah!\nRyan: We did it !\nMichael: She did it!\nMichael: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Dancing in the office]\nMichael: Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don't have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really [flushing] Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what's important.\nAndy: Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song.\nDwight: Cherry Pie, Warrant.\nAndy: Better a cappella!\nDwight: No! Really?\nAndy: Yeah. Name another.\nDwight: Enter Sandman, Metallica.\nAndy: Better a cappella.\nDwight: Rebel Yell, Billy Idol\nAndy: Aw!! Way better a cappella\nDwight: Really?\nAndy: Yeah."}
{"text": "Michael: Hup! [throws cheese puff to Ryan who catches it in his mouth]\nPam: Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.\nMichael: Hup! [throws cheese puff to Pam who catches it in her mouth]\nPam: We're getting pretty good at it.\nJim: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.\nPam: The timeline's messy.\nJim: Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.\nAndy: This is my solo. [stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar, a cappella starts singing 'You Can Call Me Al']\nPam: I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to 'You Can Call Me Al?'\nAndy: Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing.\nJim: I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?\nAndy: Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000.\nPam: I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to.\nAndy: Did you even hear the music I just played for you?\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nPhyllis: What's wrong with you?\nDwight: These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands.\nPhyllis: I think you look nice.\nDwight: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence.\nCharles: Looking good.\nDwight: Kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! [knocks things off shelf with arms] Okay.\nDwight: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.\nMichael: Hey.\nDwight: Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change.\nMichael: [gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine] Is this good?\nDwight: They have some great kitchen ideas.\nMichael: Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?\nDwight: It's small, I know.\nMichael: I really appreciate it.\nDwight: Thanks, Michael. [Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake] Wait, what is this?\nMichael: It's for your trouble.\nDwight: Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend.\nMichael: No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.\nDwight: Michael, you know I can't take this.\nMichael: Yes, I do.\nDwight: But don't forget you owe me $10.\nMichael: That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?\nDwight: Michael.\nAndy: What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?\nJim: I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake.\nAndy: It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.\nJim: Am I going down a road?\nAndy: When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.\nJim: It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.\nAndy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.\nJim: I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up.\nMichael: Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women.\nPam: I'm not gonna do that.\nMichael: That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?\nRyan: I can get there.\nMichael: Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.\nRyan: Oh, awesome.\nMichael: Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat]\nMichael, Pam & Ryan: U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!\nPam: I'm here. I'm a part of this now.\nDwight: You needed to speak to me?\nCharles: Dwight, take a seat.\nDwight: I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.\nCharles: Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. [Dwight sits] Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately?\nDwight: Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard.\nCharles: I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed.\nDwight: Your concern is noted.\nCharles: Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused.\nDwight: Like a wolf. Thank you.\nCharles: And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?\nDwight: Really?\nCharles: Definitely.\nDwight: [sighs] It's firm.\nMichael: [on phone] I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.\nDwight: I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up.\nMichael: Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?\nDwight: No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast.\nMichael: I'm not following you.\nDwight: Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero.\nMichael: Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.\nDwight: Good, do you see what I'm saying?\nMichael: Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing?\nDwight: No.\nMichael: Can I use it? [Pam holds up note saying 'He's talking about you!']\nDwight: No.\nMichael: [Michael dismisses note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad] Dwight, are you talking about us?\nDwight: It is possible that I could be talking about us.\nMichael: Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?\nDwight: It is the situation that we are in now.\nMichael: So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?\nDwight: I'm not a barbarian.\nMichael: Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?\nDwight: I will.\nMichael: Dwight?\nDwight: Yes?\nMichael: Is the cool new guy Charles?\nDwight: I've said too much.\nMichael: Is it Stanley?\nJim: Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said-\nAndy: Noishe.'\nJim: -I just don't know if I can do it.\nAndy: That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you want to do it, which means you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?\nJim: It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy.\nAndy: And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants. [imitates punching on Jim's fist] Ah, what'd you do that for?\nJim: [both laugh] You know that I was doin' this.\nAndy: [fist pound each other] Totally.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?\nDwight: I'm sorry, Michael\nCharles: [Charles comes from around corner] Hi, Michael.\nMichael: Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!\nCharles: No, Mich-Michael.\nMichael: Dwight, run!\nCharles: Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?\nMichael: You be cool.\nCharles: Yes.\nMichael: Just-what's going on?\nCharles: We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info.\nMichael: Mm-do... Dwight would not-\nCharles: He did.\nDwight: I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it.\nCharles: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?\nMichael: I. Understand. Nothing.\nMichael: [Michael storms into office] Wow.\nPam: Michael, are you alright?\nMichael: It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.\nPam: Tell us what you're talking about.\nRyan: Yeah.\nMichael: It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.\nPam: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.\nMichael: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?\nAndy: Hey, Jim.\nJim: [Jim slams lunchbag on table] I just totally blew a sales call.\nAndy: Bro, I do that all the time.\nJim: Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!\nAndy: Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok?\nJim: Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back.\nAndy: Well, so what? Your body's a ten.\nJim: Forget it.\nAndy: Jim.\nJim: I said forget it. [drop kicks lunch across room, stomps on it]\nDwight: [on phone] Dwight Schrute.\nMichael: Hello, traitor.\nDwight: I think you have the wrong number, Michael.\nMichael: I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.\nPam: Michael!\nMichael: I'm just getting hardcore with him.\nRyan: Finally.\nMichael: Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. [hangs up] Bill Cosby.\nDwight: [on phone] Mr. Schofield, please?\nSecretary: He's in a meeting.\nDwight: Dammit! [hangs up]\nMichael: [on phone] Is Mr. Schofield there?\nAutomated phone voice: If you'd like to reach an outside line, please dial nine first. [Michael sighs, hangs up phone]\nStanley: So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?\nDwight: I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried.\nPhyllis: You sound worried.\nDwight: And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! [gibberish sounds]\nMichael: [on phone] Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. [referencing rolodex card] Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV?\nRyan: Look at that old dude and his rolodex go.\nPam: I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight.\nMichael: Wow. High score?\nDwight: And no, I cannot lower my current prices. [phone rings] Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown.\nDwight: Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still...\nMichael: Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?\nDwight: I would like to arrange a truce.\nMichael: So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?\nDwight: Meet me in our spot in four minutes.\nMichael: No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-\nDwight: Michael.\nMichael: Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.\nDwight: In which direction?\nMichael: Toward the sun.\nDwight: At what time?\nMichael: Noon.\nDwight: That-\nMichael: You have two seconds. [Dwight starts running]\nDwight: [looking at his watch] Michael. [Madge walks by] Sorry.\nMichael: Dwight.\nDwight: Michael.\nMichael: I hope you're not recording this conversation. [Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt] Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.\nDwight: You were making me do things that were not all right.\nMichael: So you just rat me out? You could have said no.\nDwight: And not come through for you?\nMichael: If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.\nDwight: I want a truce.\nMichael: I do too.\nDwight: Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's.\nMichael: Cooper's.\nDwight: I had fish yesterday.\nMichael: Damn it.\nMichael: [Michael, Ryan and Pam sitting at restaurant, phone rings] Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?\nDwight: Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic.\nMichael: Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.\nDwight: I hit a bear.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. [throws a fish into the vent at Michael's office] Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?\nMichael: Yeah, sure.\nDwight: Ok, I will see you very soon, alright? [takes all the items off Michael's desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex]\nMichael: Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.\nPam: [Pam, Ryan and Michael enter office] Sounds neat.\nRyan: We can spend a couple days there.\nPam: Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!\nMichael: [Michael answers phone] Yeah.\nDwight: Did you enjoy your lunch?\nMichael: Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.\nDwight: No, Michael, you were sabotaged.\nMichael: No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. [Pam holds up sign saying 'Dwight did it!!'] You?\nDwight: Me.\nMichael: What about our truce?\nDwight: I broke it.\nMichael: On purpose?\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: Why?\nDwight: You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!\nMichael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.\nDwight: And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!\nMichael: Oh. [bites into sandwich, looks disgusted] Bastard!\nDwight: Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is [reading off rolodex card] Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say.\nDwight: [holding up rolodex card] Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, 'great salesman, better friend.' [turns card over] 'Tall' and 'beets.'\nDwight: And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. [hangs up and answers cell phone] I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here.\nMichael: Dwight, do you mind if we talk?\nDwight: Sure. That'd be fine.\nMichael: If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed.\nDwight: This is war and that is what happens.\nMichael: Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.\nDwight: Oh, no. No. No. No. No.\nMichael: Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now.\nDwight: Michael! Michael!\nMichael: You can hear me, but I can't hear you.\nSecretary: Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott.\nMichael: Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much.\nDwight: Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael!\nMichael: Walking in the door...\nMr. Schofield: Michael, good to see you.\nMichael: Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door. [Dwight runs out of the office]\nMichael: [on speakerphone in Dwight's car] Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn.\nMr. Schofield: Really?\nMichael: Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.\nDwight: Are you saying you invented paper?\nAndy: [hugging a crying Jim] Okay, okay.\nJim: Oh, God.\nAndy: Okay, Tuna.\nKelly: Hey, guys.\nJim: Hey.\nAndy: Hello.\nAndy: Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody, Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, ok? It stops now.\nKevin: I guess I could be nicer.\nPhyllis: Andy, I think Jim is messing with you.\nAndy: Oh, really?\nPhyllis: Mm-hmm. [looks over to Jim smiling through windows to the kitchen]\nJim: Okay.\nAndy: Yeah, okay, what the heck is happennin' here?\nJim: Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together.\nAndy: Uh, that's not what was-\nJim: And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will.\nAndy: Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.\nMichael: What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?\nDwight: It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah! [runs into office]\nSecretary: Uh, hello, Dwight.\nDwight: Spin move.\nSecretary: Oh-\nDwight: Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.\nMr. Schofield: Dwight, I'm in a meeting.\nMichael: That's very rude.\nDwight: I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.\nMr. Schofield: Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-\nDwight: La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!\nMichael: I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin...\nDwight: Come on.\nMichael: Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.\nDwight: What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.\nMr. Schofield: Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?\nMichael: That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.\nMr. Schofield: Uh, ok, sure.\nMichael: Good, good, good. I will see you.\nDwight: Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?\nMr. Schofield: Excuse me?\nMichael: I color code all my info. I wrote 'gay son' in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means 'Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?' Most colors mean 'Don't say it.'\nDwight: How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?\nMichael: I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.\nMichael: He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can't make you feel good, then I don't want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads.\nMichael: Dwight just got Howard Family Dry Cleaners.\nRyan: Uncle Dave?\nMichael: He's undercutting us big time. He's actually taking a loss and paying the difference out of pocket.\nRyan: That's my family. When you mess with my family, I can't be responsible for my actions.\nPam: When are you ever responsible for your actions?\nRyan: Get off my ass, you hag.\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey. Something about that seems inappropriate.\nMichael: Betrayal ain't just a river in Egypt.\nAndy: Who is that knocking on my taste buds? Why, it's Mr. Lemon. Hmmm, nice to meet you.\nPam: It's good. But won't it feel weird cutting into a cross?\nAndy: Don't think of it as a cross in the Judeo-Christian sense, think of it more as a symbol of your lives crossing in marriage.\nJim: When I think of it like that, I do not think of the other connotations.\nAndy: Yes!\nPam: I don't think so, Andy.\nJim: Sorry. Her day.\nAndy: Hey, bud.\nJim: Are they looking at me?\nAndy: Who?\nJim: Everyone. Everyone just keeps looking at me.\nAndy: Are you sure?\nJim: Will you just talk to them, please? Pam just knew!"}
{"text": "Michael: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.\nMichael: [honking horn] Time to make the donuts. [laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van] Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. [does it again] De-nied!\nRyan: We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick.\nMichael: Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! [laughs] Hey Pam.\nPam: We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says 'Alleluia Church of Scranton.' in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.\nPam: You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?\nMichael: Milk and sugar.\nPam: Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. [drinks from coffee cup] Wait, is this just milk and sugar?\nMichael: That's what I said.\nPam: Do you drink this every day?\nMichael: Every morning.\nMichael: We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20- of those.\nPam: [an Asian lady tries to enter the van] Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church.\nCharles: Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?\nJim: Oh, they're my client.\nCharles: No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.\nDwight: [sighs] Shame, Jim. I expected more.\nCharles: In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.\nStanley: What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.\nCharles: I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.\nAndy: Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys.\nCharles: Why are you telling me this?\nAndy: I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.\nCharles: Is this something you really want to have said?\nAndy: I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it.\nCharles: I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-\nDwight: It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired.\nCharles: I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh-\nAngela: Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not.\nCharles: Uh, well said, Angela.\nDwight: Been there, done that.\nMichael: You know what we need? We need some couches in here.\nRyan: Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.\nMichael: Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.\nPam: Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?\nMichael: Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top.\nPam: Yeah, I know what a loft is.\nRyan: Most dorm rooms don't even have that.\nMichael: Most do in the magazines.\nRyan: Let's see what a delivery guy costs.\nMichael: We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.\nDavid Wallace: Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey.\nJim: Hey, David.\nDwight: David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you.\nCharles: There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?\nDavid: A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.\nCharles: Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.\nDavid: Hmmm.\nCharles: I feel like I should be thanking you.\nDavid: Uh.\nJim: [makes kissing, puckering sound]\nCharles: The conference room is ready if we want to get started.\nDavid: You know, I just want to address everyone first.\nCharles: Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention.\nDavid: Hi, everyone.\nKelly: Hi.\nDavid: Hi. Uh, look it's no secret-\nKevin: Hi.\nDavid: Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.\nCharles: Right.\nDavid: Okay?\nPhyllis: Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients.\nDavid: I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please?\nCharles: Uh, Jim hold on. [whispers] You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay?\nDavid: Hmm.\nCharles: Yeah, Jim-\nDavid: I find that extraordinarily surprising.\nCharles: He shows promise and Jim, I don't know- I- he's been a disappointment.\nDavid: We'll bring them both in.\nCharles: Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim.\nDwight: Come along, afterthought.\nMichael: How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?\nFinancial Guy: Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct-\nMichael: They are correct, sir.\nFinancial Guy: Then you can't afford to pay him anything.\nMichael: Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.\nFinancial Guy: Your prices are too low.\nMichael: Lowest in town.\nFinancial Guy: Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?\nPam: Corporate greed?\nRyan: Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.\nFinancial Guy: Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct.\nRyan: Yeah.\nFinancial Guy: But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.\nMichael: Okay, sure. Right, so- why don't you explain what that is to- so that they can under- just explain what that is.\nRyan: Explain what you think that is.\nFinancial Guy: Okay.\nMichael: Explain that.\nFinancial Guy: As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care...\nMichael: Well, we don't-\nFinancial Guy: ...business expansion-\nMichael: Whatever, yeah.\nFinancial Guy: At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make.\nMichael: Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.\nFinancial Guy: They're actually putting you out of business.\nMichael: Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.\nTy: It's a program. There's no such thing-\nMichael: Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please.\nTy: [presses key on computer] Crunch.\nPam: Did it help?\nMichael: Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. [laughs] Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.\nPam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, 'Drive, kid. I trust you.'\nJim: Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?\nCharles: God, no.\nDwight: Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak.\nCharles: I agree.\nDwight: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.\nJim: Really? Does he do good work or-\nDwight: [scoffs] No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. [sighs]\nDavid: Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out.\nDwight: Five minutes exactly.\nCharles: Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you?\nDwight: Sure thing.\nCharles: Yeah.\nJim: [opens phone] Hey. I saw you called.\nJim : You're just out of business?\nPam: We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do.\nJim: Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay.\nPam: That's what Michael said.\nJim: Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. [cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying 'Idiot, Idiot, Idiot'] Oh, that's my new 'Dwight' ring.\nPam: I like it.\nJim: Good, right? Hello.\nDwight: [over phone] Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way.\nJim: Oh, okay. [kisses Pam] Don't worry about it.\nMichael: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?\nPam: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.\nMichael: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this.\nPam: You want to hear something sad?\nMichael: I would love that.\nPam: So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview.\nRyan: I never went to Thailand.\nPam: Really?\nRyan: I went to Fort Lauderdale.\nMichael: Was it nice?\nRyan: Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though.\nMichael: I love Pad Thai.\nRyan: You've never had Pad Thai.\nMichael: No. There's a lot I haven't done.\nJim: Now, this is the projection over three months?\nCharles: We still have the inventory sitting- [everyone starts chattering at once]\nDwight: Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say- can I say something?\nDavid: Yeah, yeah.\nDwight: There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.\nDavid: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer.\nCharles: Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out.\nJim: Oh, but you didn't.\nDwight: Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure.\nCharles: What is wrong with you?\nDavid: Jim, you're- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?\nJim: Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so-\nDavid: Yeah.\nJim: I mean I guess- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction.\nDwight: You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this?\nCharles: No, Jim... I think you should go.\nJim: Okay, so I'll be back in, um- back in a bit.\nMichael: [knocking on door] Hmm?\nJim: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?\nMichael: We're not hiring, Jim.\nJim: Actually here for something else.\nMichael: Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.\nJim: You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales.\nRyan: Oh, that's nice.\nJim: David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out.\nPam: Seriously? Are you being serious?\nRyan: He's bluffing, Pam.\nMichael: Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl-\nJim: Oh!\nMichael: No- We don't have-\nJim: Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout.\nMichael: [stammers] Uh... Yes.\nPam: Yes.\nRyan: Maybe.\nJim: Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs.\nMichael: Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.\nJim: Missed the last part.\nMichael: That's a pun.\nJim: Got it.\nMichael: Yep. Oh... wow.\nRyan: Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke.\nMichael: Of course not.\nRyan: That we're having any problem at all.\nMichael: Nope, nope, nope.\nPam: Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke.\nMichael: Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke.\nMichael: Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it.\nPam: No, Michael.\nMichael: Ah...\nRyan: No, man. You're- you're fine.\nPam: We have to come from a position of strength.\nMichael: I'm good, I'm good.\nRyan: Just put it out of your mind.\nMichael: It is. I'm good.\nMichael: Hello.\nErin: Hi.\nMichael: Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables...\nDavid: Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer.\nMichael: And we are prepared to reject that offer.\nRyan: Michael, you haven't even heard-\nMichael: Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?\nDavid: $12,000.00\nMichael: Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.\nAngela: What do you hear?\nKelly: [mumbles]\nDavid: Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get.\nMichael: I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.\nDavid: Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael?\nMichael: [stutters] We'll have to talk-\nCharles: What?\nRyan: We'll have to talk about this.\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: Just amongst ourselves.\nDavid: Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time.\nMichael: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.\nPam: $60,000.00\nMichael: We are so rich.\nPam: Are you kidding me?\nDwight: Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. [gets up and runs to kitchen] Charles.\nCharles: Dwight.\nDwight: May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.\nCharles: What? How'd you hear that?\nDwight: They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures.\nJim: Great work Dwight.\nDwight: Quiet you.\nJim: No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?\nDwight: You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.\nCharles: So how long can they stay viable?\nJim: What are your top five cases?\nDwight: I'm gonna answer Charles first.\nJim: Because you've solved zero cases.\nDwight: Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.\nCharles: Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.\nDwight: Done.\nCharles: Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?\nDwight: I'm not- I'm not following you.\nCharles: You two are morons.\nJim: Got it.\nDwight: Wh-\nCharles: Get out.\nDavid: So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm?\nMichael: No.\nPam: Can you give us another minute please?\nDavid: Yeah.\nCharles: Oh, okay.\nPam: Michael.\nRyan: How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000.\nPam: Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?\nMichael: It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?\nRyan: I would rather have $60,000, honestly.\nPam: No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.\nMichael: Agreed?\nPam: Agreed. But that's all, okay.\nRyan: Yeah, discuss these things-\nMichael: Shut up, shut up. Hello?\nMichael: I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.\nCharles: They don't make them anymore.\nMichael: And I want Charles gone.\nDavid: I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable.\nCharles: That's very kind of you to say, David.\nMichael: I need him gone.\nDavid: No.\nMichael: Okay, then I want Pam back.\nDavid: Uh, you already have a new receptionist-\nMichael: Sales.\nPam: Thank you.\nDavid: Pam's not a salesperson.\nMichael: Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday.\nPam: That's right.\nDavid: Okay. Please continue.\nMichael: And Ryan.\nDavid: Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is-\nMichael: You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.\nDavid: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits-\nMichael: And dental this time.\nDavid: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out.\nMichael: These are our demands.\nDavid: Your company cannot be worth that much.\nMichael: Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.\nDavid: Michael-\nMichael: That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.\nDavid: Okay. Deal. Okay?\nMichael: Can we have the room please?\nDavid: Yeah. [David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds]\nRyan: Yes, yes, yes!\nPam: Alright!\nMichael: Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about!\nMichael: There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.\nCharles: Hey, guys-\nMichael: No, no. You're done."}
{"text": "Kevin: At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin's Famous Chili. The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies. It's a recipe passed down from Malone's for generations. It's probably the thing I do best.\nMichael: Someone is returning! He started his own company, and now he's back. Who could it be? I'll give you a hint. He is a man. A man you have missed with all your heart. A man who has ruined all other men for you. Who is it?\nRyan: [whispering] Who is it?\nPam: [whispering] Who is it?\nMichael: [whispering] It's Michael Scott. [applause; Michael jumps through sign] Hold it up. Conference room, five minutes.\nMichael: Well, I guess the first order of business is to welcome back me, and Pam and Ryan. [scattered applause] And how about casual Friday again, huh? Reinstituting casual Friday? You all look great. What I want to do right now is try something a little different. I'm going to throw it out there, starting with this meeting. I want you guys to run it. I want you to say whatever you want, take it away. Your meeting.\nDwight: [after a few moments of silence] Wh-what are you doing?\nMichael: If there is something that you would like to say as a group, then by all means, you may say it to me right now.\nAngela: Okay.\nMichael: Yes.\nAngela: People are dressed inappropriately.\nMichael: Take it up with Toby. What I want you to do, is I want you to look inward. And I want you to reflect. And I want you to say something different.\nJim: Can you give us a hint?\nMichael: When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that.\nMichael: Oscar, what were you going to say?\nOscar: Nothing. I didn't say anything.\nMichael: All right.\nErin: Do I still have a job here?\nMichael: Not important. [everyone mutters] Okay, alright. Yes. Yes, you have a job. Frankly, you have a job because Ryan and Pam are starting with us as salesmen.\nDwight: Wait, what?\nStanley: How is that going to work?\nMichael: It's going to work very smoothly, because Pam and Ryan are bringing over a ton of clients from Michael Scott Paper Company and-\nPhyllis: You mean the clients you stole from us.\nDwight: Yeah , aren't we getting those clients back?\nMichael: No, you lost those clients.\nAndy: I call foul, sir.\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: You were bought out. So the company then bought out all of the stolen clients.\nMichael: Okay, Dwight. Let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can.\nMeredith: [to Ryan] Don't fall in love with me, kid.\nPam: [laughs] Boscov's at the Steamtown Mall?\nPhyllis: It sure looked good on the mannequin.\nPam: Well, you have good taste.\nPhyllis: Well, thanks. I sure wish I had more time to talk to my clients, though.\nPam: What?\nPhyllis: Isn't that what you said to a bunch of my clients when you were stealing them? That I didn't have enough time for them?\nPam: Oh, I, um...\nPhyllis: Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.\nAngela: The man is wearing sandals. I don't need to see Oscar's toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat.\nToby: Can't you just not look at his feet?\nAngela: Excuse me? Oh. You're so educated, aren't you Toby? So trained to deal with a hysterical woman. I don't want to look at his feet. [storms off] Do your job!\nToby: Well, I was in the Seminary for a year and dropped out 'cause I wanted to have sex with this girl, Cathy. Followed her to Scranton. Took the first job I could find in H.R. Later she divorced me. So no, I wouldn't say I have a passion for H.R.\nMichael: [hands Ryan a soda] There you are, my friend.\nRyan: Oh, thanks, man.\nMichael: Pamela.\nPam: Thank, Michael.\nMichael: Yep.\nDwight: Fresh hot ink.\nStanley: New File System'.\nDwight: Trust me, Stanley, you're going to want to read this memo very carefully.\nStanley: I am not changing the way I do my files.\nDwight: No, no. This goes for all of you. Believe me, you are going to want to heat my words.\nDwight: When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.\nOscar: I'm sorry you're offended by my shoes, but I am not going to drive home to change.\nToby: I could loan you a pair of socks.\nOscar: No.\nToby: No, they're clean. I was going to wear them to volleyball practice later.\nOscar: I don't think so.\nAndy: Andrew Bernard.\nDwight: Okay, what are you still doing at your desk?\nAndy: What are you still doing not at your desk?\nDwight: Did you even read the memo?\nAndy: All my files are now in reverse alphabetical order-\nDwight: No, you idiot. There is a code embedded in the memo. Listen, you need to round up all the salesmen, except for Ryan and Pam, and get them down to the warehouse pronto.\nAndy: Oh, it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.\nDwight: Stop doing rhyming poetry. Just tell them, please. God, the simplest thing.\nDwight: We're in crisis mode here, do you understand? The two unqualified so-called salespeople are being favored because they all failed together. And frankly, I'm not convinced that Michael and Pam didn't have a thing going while they were gone.\nJim: Can I address that?\nDwight: No, you're too close.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: Stanley, how do you feel about those two taking your clients?\nStanley: It's not right. I don't like it.\nDwight: He doesn't like it.\nPhyllis: You don't take my clients away and give them to a secretary. [sighs] No offense, Jim. I think she's very pretty.\nDwight: Her face is okay, but- Jesus! What -what are you doing here?\nMeredith: I don't know. I saw a crowd. I thought there might be a dogfight or something-\nDwight: Get out! We need to do something. I'm thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage.\nPhyllis: Those sound too harsh.\nDwight: No, I'm not saying we do those things. I'm saying something like those things.\nJim: Of course. What is like a hostage?\nDwight: Excellent question.\nAndy: We could write a strong-worded letter.\nDwight: Words will never be enough.\nJim: Strongly-painted picture.\nDwight: No, pictures are too interpretive.\nJim: Can I just say something? I know that tempers are high, but I think the best way to handle this might be to just talk to Michael directly.\nDwight: Oh. Well, that-that's a great idea, Jim. Oh, I totally see your point. Okay, we'll talk to Michael directly. So uh, meeting is over, I guess. I'll see everyone upstairs.\nJim: Great. See you upstairs.\nDwight: C'mon. [whispers] Guys. Psst, listen. Now is the time for action. I'm talking action-\nPam: That one's great.\nMichael: I know.\nRyan: You look so classy in that picture.\nMichael: I do? Well-Where is that bowl?\nJim: Hey, you have a second?\nMichael: Michael Scott Paper Company only.\nJim: Yeah, I think you're going to want to cool it with that 'cause it's starting to upset the other salesmen.\nMichael: Okay, well-\nRyan: Tough.\nMichael: I will-no, no. I'll talk to them when they all get back from the bathroom.\nJim: This is awkward to talk about, but there may or may not be-but definitely is-a mutiny forming in the warehouse right now.\nMichael: Against who?\nRyan: You. Us.\nPam: What?\nRyan: It's gotta be because they all want their clients.\nMichael: The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with.\nMichael: Six weeks ago, none of these people wanted to come with me. You two were the only ones with the stones to follow.\nPam: Mm-hmmm.\nMichael: That was us, right there.\nPam: We were something else.\nRyan: What you gotta do is you gotta go down to that warehouse and you gotta crack some skulls.\nMichael: Mm-hmm.\nRyan: Chiklis style.\nMichael: Yeah, the Commish.\nRyan: Yes, but Chiklis Shield style. Not Commish style.\nMichael: Yeah, yeah. The Shield.\nCreed: It's crazy what's going on out there today, huh?\nJim: I know. Yeah, it's...kinda-\nCreed: Sometimes it's best just to say out of it.\nJim: That's true. That's right. Yeah.\nCreed: Want to play a game?\nMichael: Hey gang. Where you been?\nDwight: Lunch.\nMichael: Where'd you eat?\nPhyllis: A restaurant.\nMichael: What'd you have, Stanley?\nAndy: I had a salmon salad. With water, no ice. I was going to get a soda, but the waiter talked me out of it. Her name was Flo, she had black hair.\nStanley: I had Mexican food.\nMichael: So since you guys already ate, you won't be eating the stuff you brought with you for lunch, will you? [walks into kitchen] Oh, wow, Stanley. Is that egg salad? Andy brought some salmon.\nRyan: That looks great.\nMichael: Dwight, is that a meat sandwich? You guys hungry?\nRyan: I can eat.\nMichael: I'm going to o have some of this meat sandwich.\nDwight: It's pony.\nMichael: Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon?\nAndy: Dijonnaise.\nMichael: Mmm. Thanks for going out, guys.\nPam: Mmm.\nToby: Hey, Meredith. Can I talk to you privately for a second?\nMeredith: About what?\nToby: Your outfit.\nMeredith: What? What's wrong with my outfit?\nToby: You-you might consider pulling it down a touch. It's ri-it's riding up a little high.\nMeredith: A bunch of prudes. You know, Oscar's allowed to wear sandals, but I'm not allowed to wear open-toed shoes? [pulls down dress, office gasps] Is that how it goes?\nOscar: Meredith, your boob is out.\nMeredith: Fine. [pulls dress up, everyone gasps again]\nAngela: Meredith, too far!\nKelly: Dammit, Meredith, where are your panties?\nMeredith: It's casual day. Happy? [bends over to get a file, exposing herself to the office]\nCreed: [playing chess with Jim] No. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do this, I'm gonna do that.\nJim: Well, what if I just do this?\nCreed: You don't want to do that.\nJim: I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He's winning. I feel like I'm describing a dream I had.\nRyan: I'm sorry you feel that way, Mr. Bart. Is there anything I can do to make things better?\nDwight: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Give me the phone. Give me the phone.\nRyan: Exactly.\nDwight: That's my client.\nRyan: Exactly. This is your first complaint in ten years.\nDwight: Give me the phone.\nRyan: Things have been generally good.\nDwight: Give me the phone. Tell him Dwight Schrute wants to talk to him.\nRyan: Look, uh, Mr. Bart...\nDwight: Hi, Mr. Bart.\nRyan: At these prices with this service...\nDwight: Hey, it's Dwight here. Give me the phone.\nRyan: You're not gonna find this anywhere else.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute here. Hey, don't hang up.\nRyan: No, no, no. Sir, don't listen.\nDwight: I know times are tough right now, and I laud your thriftiness. [tries to pull phone out of Ryan's hand] Ryan!\nPhyllis: Ryan, hand the phone over.\nRyan: Stop flustering me, everybody!\nStanley: Who let this boy on the phone?\nDwight: Ah! Mr. Bart! Ugh! [slams phone down[ I cannot believe you lost that account. He was my client for ten years!\nPam: You made him lose the account by screaming at him the entire time. It's okay, Ryan.\nDwight: You're a secretary! What do you know?\nRyan: Okay.\nDwight: And you're a temp and I'm taking your phone. I'm confiscating this.\nMichael: Hey, hey guys. You know what I want you to do? Shake hands, get over it. That was not a shake, Dwight.\nDwight: We want our clients back or we quit, Michael.\nMichael: Who quits?\nPhyllis: Me.\nStanley: And me.\nAndy: Me too.\nMichael: You guys gotta be kidding.\nDwight: No, we gotta be deadly serious. We'll start our own paper company. The Schrute-Bernard-Lapin-Vance...Stanley Paper Company.\nMichael: I love it. I love this idea, and I fully support you. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give you some seed money. [throws money at Phyllis] There you go. There's some seed money for you. And you can take it, no hard feelings. But if you stay, I want an apology, and I want a big one.\nStanley: You want us to apologize to you?\nMichael: Yes I do.\nAndy: That's completely backwards.\nMichael: It's frontward's.\nPhyllis: Michael, you thought you were attacking corporate, but we were the ones who got hurt. You should be apologizing to us.\nStanley: That's right.\nDwight: Right.\nPhyllis: Michael, you always said we were a family. Then you went after us.\nMichael: No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways. From my point of view, from their point of view...98 others. And the bottom line, I am in the wrong. I'm the bad guy.\nMichael: I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing.\nDwight: Gasp. Are you talking about a secret meeting?\nMichael: Whatever you guys did earlier.\nDwight: I don't know that first things about secret meetings.\nMichael: Just do it, okay?\nDwight: I'll do-\nMichael: Get 'em there. Get 'em there.\nDwight: I'll do the best I can.\nMichael: Are you kidding me?\nDwight: Deceit does not come easy to me.\nMichael: Okay, okay, okay.\nErin: I really love your outfit.\nKelly: Thank you so much for saying that. I can't believe that Toby thinks this is inappropriate.\nErin: You look like J-Lo.\nMichael: So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart, I am sorry.\nStanley: Are you giving us our clients back?\nMichael: If we could just focus and go down the line, and everyone would say, 'apology accepted', I think we would all feel better. And then we can break out my gift to you-complimentary white chocolate bark.\nStanley: Nobody likes that stuff except for you.\nMichael: They wouldn't make it unless people liked it.\nPhyllis: Michael, just give us our clients back. That's all we care about.\nMichael: Okay. If I give you your clients back there won't be enough clients for Ryan and Pam, and I promised both of them they were gonna be salespeople.\nStanley: So?\nMichael: Fine, have your clients. I can see that's what you wanted all along. [everyone mutters 'okay'] However, I rescind my apology.\nDwight: That's fair.\nMichael: You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.\nDarryl: What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?\nRyan: Michael gave all of our clients back to their old salespeople, so now there's not enough for both me and Pam to stay on.\nPam: He can only keep one of us as a salesperson now. He'll make his decision by the end of the day.\nRyan: I think you should get it. You really grew into it.\nPam: Oh. I think you should get it. You've changed a lot and you'd be good at it.\nRyan: If you really think that, will you tell that to Michael? That would go a long way coming from you.\nPam: Yeah.\nRyan: Thanks.\nCreed: So hey, I'm want to set you up with my daughter.\nJim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.\nCreed: I thought you were gay.\nJim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?\nCreed: I don't know.\nMichael: Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?\nJim: Sure. Let me just finish this turn.\nMichael: [puts Scrabble pieces on board] And Bingo was his name. Let's go.\nCreed: Challenge.\nMichael: I need your help. This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head.\nJim: I don't want to be biased, but I am very close to Ryan. You know that.\nMichael: You're close with Pam too.\nJim: Eh, she's nice, I guess. You know what? Best thing to do, Pros and Cons list.\nMichael: Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he's my number one choice.\nJim: Well, that's-\nMichael: I like his hair.\nJim: Cons, Ryan. He defrauded the company. He has never made a sale.\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: He definitely stole my iPod.\nMichael: That sounds pretty biased.\nJim: You didn't hear my pros. Environmentally-conscious 'cause his mom drives him to work everyday.\nMichael: Okay. Pam, pros.\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: I like her. I think that she is a fast learner. Cons, she doesn't always follow through. Sh-New York and the whole art school thing. And Roy. She has a weird voice.\nJim: That's not true.\nMichael: I don't need to tell you that.\nJim: I think she'd be a really good salesperson.\nMichael: I don't think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven't said one bad thing about Pam.\nJim: And I won't.\nMichael: Okay. So be it, then you've lost credibility. And I'm going to go with my guy, and that's Ryan.\nJim: All right. You're right, sometimes when she's tired, she can be a little bit shrill. But that's not a weird voice.\nMichael: Oh, wow! Whoa!\nJim: Take it easy.\nMichael: Ho-ho, man! Wow. [in a high-pitched voice] Honey! I want you to bring the garbage out. 'Cause I'm not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garba-\nMichael: I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.\nAndy: You don't understand clothing, Toby. You're dressed like this amorphous blob of khaki.\nToby: All right, look, what you gotta understand is that when you come to work, you give up certain rights.\nDwight: Listen up, Flenderson. You're being weak and ineffectual. I'm cowboying this meeting, okay? Here are the new rules. Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.\nToby: All right, come. Sit down, Dwight.\nDwight: No.\nToby: I'm running this meeting.\nDwight: That's debatable.\nToby: It's not. It's not. Sit down or I am writing you up.\nMeredith: Ooh, where has this guy been?\nToby: Casual Fridays are cancelled. [everyone protests] Let's just not do it anymore.\nAndy: You're running from the problem.\nToby: There's not a single appropriate outfit in this whole-except mine, quite honestly.\nMichael: Pam, can you come in here, please? Have a seat. [clears throat] Well, there's no easy way of saying this. So I think I will just...drag it out. Since the dawn of time there has been-\nPam: Just tell me.\nMichael: I gave Ryan the sales job. There just weren't enough clients for the two of you. So I had to-\nPam: No, okay.\nMichael: I'm sorry, sorry.\nPam: Okay, I get it. [Michael laughs] Why are you giggling? Is this a joke? [Michael continues to laugh] Michael, is this- did I get the job?\nMichael: [laughing] Yes, you did.\nPam: I did?\nMichael: Yep.\nPam: For real, you're not kidding?\nMichael: No, you-no.\nPam: I did?\nMichael: No, you're the best person for the job. You're going to be great.\nPam: Oh, Michael, thank you. Thank you.\nMichael: [laughing] Oh, oh!\nPam: Thank you. You will not be sorry.\nMichael: You should have seen your face. Oh man! Oh, that was classic.\nPam: Oh. [laughing] I really thought I didn't get it.\nMichael: Oh, really?\nPam: Yeah. 'Cause you said I didn't\nMichael: Oh, man. That was really good. That was really good.\nPam: What about Ryan?\nMichael: I don't know, I offered him his temp job back. We'll see. He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn't get the job, so-\nPam: Yeah. Maybe you shouldn't fake fire people anymore.\nMichael: I don't appreciate you telling me what to do. So clean out your desk, you are through here.\nPam: Thanks, Michael.\nMichael: Oh! What's our receptionists name?\nPam: Erin.\nMichael: Could you send her in?\nPam: [opens door] Erin. Michael wants to see you.\nMichael: Hello.\nErin: Hi.\nMichael: Have a seat.\nMichael: This is very difficult to say, but no one here like you in the office and we are going to have to let you go. [pick up phone] Hank, could you come up here please? Hank is our security guard-\nErin: Oh, I can go.\nMichael: He will be ushering you out. [starts laughing]\nErin: Oh!\nMichael: Oh, your face! Oh!\nErin: Is-do the people-\nMichael: No, I'm kidding. No, you're not-you're not fired. Yet.\nErin: Oh!\nMichael: Oh...\nErin: Do they not like me, though?\nMichael: I don't know, actually.\nErin: Okay."}
{"text": "Erin: Oh my God! I can't believe it! I jut won an art contest! [Erin screams, Pam and Jim look at each other, Dwight, laughing, gets up and hands her some money]\nErin: [whispering] Thanks. I still don't understand why you wanted me to say that.\nDwight: Shut up.\nDwight: [laughs hysterically] I got her!\nPam: Not cool, Dwight. [Dwight continues laughing]\nJim: Not cool. [Dwight still laughing]\nMichael: [caught by camera crew dancing to 'At the Car Wash', but laughing] Oh, no. I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company, so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Tip-toeing around corporate - it is a ballet. When I am breaking all the rules, I am break dancing. And expresso.\nMichael: Guys, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I think I'm growing into a giant. Because look at this normal sized coffee cup. Looks so tiny in my giant hand now. Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on?\nDwight: I do.\nMichael: Okay. How about a woman? Pam?\nPam: Oh, I can't do lunch. I was just sending you an email. Jim and I need to leave early today to meet with our contractor.\nMichael: Oh, really? Ok.\nPam: Just sent it.\nMichael: What about the rest of you? [complete silence]\nMichael: At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I don't know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down, but at the Michael Scott Paper Company I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan everyday. So, rules be damned, I wanna have lunch with these people.\nMichael: Who else? Who else? Ryan?\nRyan: I don't do lunch. I'm eating five small meals a day now.\nRyan: Now that I'm back to doing the job of a temp, again, I find that food is one thing I can control.\nMichael: Ok. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me.\nAngela: No. I don't want to stay late to have a two hour lunch.\nPhyllis: Michael, we have a lot of work to do.\nMichael: What?\nPhyllis: Work.\nMichael: Ugh! God! What happened to you people? [talking like a robot] We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work.\nPam: If you don't take out his battery, he just keeps going all day.\nPam: Oh, no. Your battery fell out.\nMichael: [still talking like a robot] I... was just learning... to... love.\nErin: Hi, guys. How you doing?\nDwight: Erin, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to ask us how we are doing every time you interact with us.\nErin: Right. I'm sorry.\nDwight: [sighs] Now, how can I help you?\nErin: Did somebody here leave a map in the printer to Youngstown, Ohio?\nDwight: Attention, office. Who here is planning a trip to Youngstown, Ohio? I will take your silence to mean that you are all hiding something. This location is the Superior Court -\nPam: So someone is going to a court. Big deal.\nDwight: It is a big deal. Cause there's only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learner's permit at age 14 and a half instead of 15. Erin, let me see your birth certificate.\nErin: Sure.\nJim: There are other reasons to go to Ohio.\nPam: We're getting married today.\nJim: So, it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license without a 3 day waiting period.\nPam: Tell 'em how it happened.\nJim: Ok. So, we're going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated.\nPam: And very expensive.\nJim: Very expensive. Cause you say you want a small wedding and that's great but then you have to invite -\nPam: You can't leave anyone out.\nJim: No one.\nPam: Ok, just get to the good part.\nJim: Ok. Right. Oh, so this morning we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, ' You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you.'\nPam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.\nErin: Michael? Michael sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here? Do you want these down here now?\nMichael: No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh.\nErin: Well, I like to swim.\nMichael: That's good.\nErin: You have a cool place to come hang.\nMichael: If you ever want to come down here, door's always open, lock's broken, so...\nErin: Thanks.\nMichael: Come on in. Hey, hey, hey. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah.\nErin: Wow.\nMichael: Now you got it.\nErin: Now I do got it.\nMichael: Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso?\nErin: Oh, yeah.\nMichael: You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.\nErin: That's rule #1.\nMichael: Ok. I love it. I love it.\nErin: Whew.\nMichael: I love it.\nMichael: Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts. There's no reason to be scared. The bad man is gone.Charles is gone.\nMichael: Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster's People just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don't know. It's like [pause] Dave died or something.\nMichael: Daddy's here and daddy is going to take care of you.\nOscar: Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.\nMichael: I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo.\nAndy: [baby voice] Wittle Andy is afwaid.\nMichael: Andy's afwaid?\nAndy: Yes.\nMichael: Are you all afwaid?\nDwight: No.\nMichael: Daddy's here for you. My wittle angels. Ok. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk.\nPam: What?\nMichael: Funk is the problem and the solution.\nJim: That makes sense.\nMichael: I've taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see.\nOscar: Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you?\nMichael: Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it.\nDwight: [Jack Nicholson impression] All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.\nMeredith: This is like a haunted coffeehouse thing?\nMichael: No. Dwight is confusing you. That - it's, it's more of a disco.\nAndy: It's like a haunted disco.\nMichael: ... with coffee but without the haunted.\nPhyllis: It's a combo dance house coffee bar.\nMichael: It's a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building.\nErin: It's a cafe disco.\nMichael: Exactly.\nKevin: So, like, a disco cafe?\nMichael: Wha - No. No. Not even close. I can't force you to go down but I can entice you. I'm gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time... and all-you-can-eat espresso.\nMichael: Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you.\nKevin: Yeah.\nMichael: Holdin' down the fort.\nKevin: Yeah. This place is great.\nMichael: Thank you.\nAngela: Oh, my God, Kevin. I am still on hold. You were supposed to get the answer from Michael and come back up.\nKevin: I'm sorry.\nMichael: This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei.\nKevin: Yeah. Respect the lei.\nAngela: Come.\nMichael: Kevin, stay.\nAngela: Kevin, come.\nMichael: Kevin, stay.\nAngela: Kevin, come.\nMichael: Stay, stay.\nAngela: Come on, right now.\nMichael: Cookie. Kevin, cookie.\nAngela: Ugh. There is no cookie, Kevin.\nKevin: [to Michael] Is there a cookie?\nMichael: Mmm-hmm.\nAngela: Wha -\nMichael: Come on.\nAngela: Oh, for goodness sakes, Kevin. There's no cookie. There's no cookie. Come on. Come.\nKevin: I wanted a cookie.\nAngela: Completely unacceptable.\nMichael: Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster.\nAndy: [Michael is holding the stereo speaker up to a vent - blaring '[Gonna Make You Sweat] Everybody Dance Now', spins in chair] Oww!\nPhyllis: Aw, what the hell? [goes to Vance Refrigeration] Hi, Jessica. Is Bob in?\nJessica: Oh, he's on a call.\nPhyllis: Oh, I'll just duck my head in.\nJessica: It's pretty important. He wouldn't want to be disturbed. Can I give him a message before he gets off?\nPhyllis: Tell him I'm going dancing downstairs in the storage closet between the bathrooms that used to be a utility shower and he should join me there.\nJessica: I'll let him know.\nPhyllis: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: Phyllis?\nPhyllis: Hi.\nMichael: Hey!\nPhyllis: Hey. I like.\nMichael: [starts dancing with Phyllis] Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude.\nPhyllis: Oh! Mother ******!\nMichael: Oh, God! No! No! No! No! No!\nPhyllis: Back!\nMichael: Oh, wow! What did you do?\nPhyllis: [moans in pain]\nMichael: You didn't do that. You're ok. You're ok. Let's lie down. You want to go down? Alright.\nPhyllis: Wow! Sorry!\nMichael: Ok. That's ok. That's not a problem. Ok, sweetie.\nDwight: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I got your text. Who's Phillip?\nMichael: No. No. No.\nDwight: Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?\nPhyllis: It's my back.\nMichael: It's her back. We just - We need - Let's - You know what?\nPhyllis: Call a doctor.\nMichael: We're going to take care of you. We're gonna get you help. Let's - come on.\nPhyllis: No. Call Bob.\nMichael: Oh, no. No. No. This is no good.\nDwight: Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries.\nMichael: I don't need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?\nDwight: What do you think history is?\nMichael: It's just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat.\nMichael: [barging through office door] Alright. Here we go.\nDwight: Out of the way! Move it or lose it!\nMichael: You having fun?\nErin: Oh, my God! What happened?\nMichael: What? Oh, just having to much fun. Phyllis, we're going to put you in here. Dwight's going to take care of you.\nPhyllis: What? No. I thought we were going to the hospital.\nDwight: You want to get sick you go to the hospital.\nMichael: Ok, Dwight. Ok. Good. I do not want anyone to worry.\nOscar: What happened to Phyllis?\nMichael: Oh, you know. Nohting. She's - we were hanging out at Cafe Disco and she had a flare up of am existing injury. But she's a tough, old bird. So...\nAngela: Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations were in we hurt ourselves?\nMichael: Ok. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I don't think she would trade that memory for anything. [Phyllis can be heard screaming in the backgroud]\nStanley: I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense.\nMichael: You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin?\nErin: Yes.\nMichael: I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down.\nErin: Like unplug the coffee machine and bring it up here.\nMichael: I don't care. Bury it. I hope you're happy.\nDwight: [exits the conference room in an undershirt] I'm gonna need two able bodied men.\nKelly: Cafe Disco? More like Crappe Disco.\nErin: You're bad. [they turn off the lights and turn on music - start dancing]\nVance Refrigeration Guy 1: There's girl in there.\nVance Refrigeration Guy 2: Where?\nVRG 1: The other room?\nVRG 2: What other room?\nVRG 1: Down the hall.\nVRG 2: There's girls in there?\nVRG 1: What'd I just say?\nVRG 2: You have another sandwich?\nVRG 1: Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls.\nMichael: I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner.\nDwight: You comfy? Alright? Alright. Relax. Relax, ok?\nPhyllis: Dwight! Dwight!\nDwight: Come on. Relax. The shirt wasn't doing you any favors. If my assessment in correct, you grind your teeth?\nPhyllis: I do.\nDwight: No kidding! She sits three feet from me. It's the most annoying thing. [mimics grinding teeth] It's like children singing Christmas carols.\nAndy: Yeah! I love the vibe down here.\nErin: Ashley! You made it!\nOscar: You invited someone?\nErin: Oh, yeah. Was I not allowed to do that?\nOscar: I've been here 8 years and I've never... [Erin walks away] Rude.\nAndy: I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance off. Alright!\nMichael: Cafe Disco is dead but I can still hear the music in my head.\nCreed: I hear it, too, Boss.\nMichael: It's better than I imagined it!\nPhyllis: That feels good, Dwight.\nDwight: Tell me where it hurts.\nPhylis: Right... mmmm... right there.\nDwight: Oh yeah. you've got a knot in your crest. This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations. and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. they were wrong. He came in 9th in the Apple Creek Derby and his jerky came in 3rd the following year. A majestic beast. So fast. So tender.\nMichael: Welcome, welcome! Cafe Disco. I am Michael Scott.\nErin: Hey, Angela! Welcome to -\nAngela: Stop!\nMichael: Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance?\nAngela: No. I didn't come down here to get wet and wild. I just need you to sign these.\nMichael: Oh. Alright. There you go.\nAngela: No. You need to sign them all.\nMichael: No. No. No. Here is the deal - one signature for every song.\nAngela: Look, I hate to be 'that' person but I just don't like the general spirit of music.\nMichael: I know. I know, Angela. A lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance. If these walls could tale they would say, ' This is a magical place! You are safe here. We have talking walls. We're not going to eat you.' [Angela shows Michael the papers again] No.\nDwight: This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water resistant, as well as traps heat. Now I need you to lie still for an hour.\nPhyllis: An hour? I can't stay here an hour.\nDwight: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, girl. Whoa. Whoa.\nCreed: Boss, this used to hang from my windshield but it belongs in here.\nMichael: Hey, thank you, Creed. you're really getting this place.\nCreed: No problem. I'll just have no idea who's driving behind me now.\nDwight: I'm gonna with the python.\nPhyllis: But the rattler's so scary.\nDwight: No. Please. I find the rattle soothing. It puts me to sleep.\nPhyllis: I think Bob is gonna cheat on me with his new secretary. [she starts to giggle]\nDwight: What's so funny?\nPhyllis: When I say it out loud it's so silly. [they both laugh]\nMichael: Hey! Hey! Angela, no! No cleaning up!\nAngela: You are forcing me to be down here. Am I not allowed to have some fun?\nMichael: No... cleaning... up.\nJim: [waiting outside the bathroom for Pam, he is holding a hand-picked bouquet of flowers and pacing] These are for you.\nPam: They're beautiful.\nJim: You ready?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: We should probably stop by. It'd mean a lot to him.\nMichael: Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? It's really happening.\nPhyllis: Wanna dance, Dwight?\nDwight: Ordinarily I would say no but you need to move to reduce lactic acid build-up. Also, this song is fantastic.\nBob Vance: Mind if I steal my wife?\nDwight: You can't steal what is legally your property.\nBob Vance: Are those staples?\nAndy: This dance competition is not over.\nKelly: What dance competition? I was just dancin' casual with my friends, y'all.\nMichael: You guys are the best for coming. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I understand.\nJim: We're gonna stay.\nMichael: Really?\nJim: Yeah. At least for one more dance.\nMichael: Oh, no. Not me. Not me. Get out of here. Cafe Disco! [Dwight hits Michael in ear] Hey! Come on, man. It's not even to 'Y'.\nPam: This is so cheesy.\nJim: Yes.\nPam: I like cheesy.\nJim: Me, too.\nPam: Yeah. I think maybe I want a 'wedding' wedding.\nJim: Me, too.\nPam: Really?\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Would you like to dance?\nAngela: No. [Camera pans to down to show her swinging her foot to the music]\nAndy: Yeah. No. Well, ok.\nKelly: Stop squirming.\nAndy: Well, stop trying to poke me with a sharp thing.\nKelly: You wanted to do this. Just be brave.\nAndy: I, I - but you're not a professional and I'm thinking maybe we should have gone to a professional.\nKelly: I'm doing it. No. I'm doing it for free. You have to stop squirming otherwise I'm gonna mess up.\nAndy: Are you sure that's not the 'gay' ear?\nKelly: Gay ear? Are you 12 years old?\nAndy: Well, I...\nKelly: Look, I'm gonna count to 3.\nAndy: Count to twen - count to twenty.\nKelly: No. I'm gonna count to 3.\nAndy: K\nKelly: 1... 2... 3\nAndy: Agh! Son of a bitch!\nKelly: Andy, that was just the ice.\nAndy: It was?\nKelly: Yeah. It was.\nLynn: Hey, Kevin.\nKevin: Hi. Did you have bacon for breakfast?\nLynn: No.\nKevin: Oh...cause you smell like bacon.\nLynn: I didn't think I did. How's everything going?\nKevin: Tight. I'm going down the hall to this office to see Michael - there's free espressos.\nLynn: Oh.\nKevin: I would invite you but I remember that you just want to be friends.\nLynn: We can still...\nKevin: Are you sure that you didn't eat bacon?\nLynn: Yes.\nKevin: Oh. Whatever it is I like it. Bye.\nLynn: Yes, I had some bacon this morning. I just didn't think it was anyone's business.\nKevin: I love the smell of bacon on a woman.\nKevin: Hey, Lynn, it's Kevin. I was thinking about going and getting a coffee at the Cafe Disco, wondering if you want to go with. Bye. Angela, my stomach is really hurting.\nOscar: Just go down, Kevin.\nMichael: My grandpa was the funnest guy I ever knew. He would sing. He would dance. He would...fall down. But then...he started going to these meetings and everything changed. He...stopped going out at night. He got a job. The fun just dried up. It was really sad. I don't want that to happen to you guys. I'm not gonna let it happen.\nStanley: How did I end up back in Crazytown?\nDwight: It is hard to imagine you playing softball.\nPhyllis: I was all-county my junior and senior years.\nDwight: Oh yeah? Big deal. I once hit three home runs against Little Flower Catholic.\nPhyllis: The girls school?\nDwight: I played high school softball. Notice I didn't say 'girls' high school softball. Not after the landmark case of Shrute vs. the Lackawanna County Board of Education.That was one case the Pennsylvania Supreme Court got right. I hit the ball right over the protest banners.\nDwight: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I love Ohio. Next time you're there say 'Hi' to my cousin Amel and then kick him in the groin area because he's a cheat and a ball hog. And if he's still married to Clarissa, kick her in the groin area, too. 'Cause she's a heart breaking tart...and a ball hog."}
{"text": "Erin: [phone rings, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up- gets back.\nJim: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes.\nJim: [whispering] Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?\nPam: [whispering] I can do it.\nDwight: [whispering] What do you need from me?\nDwight: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs heartily] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.\nMichael: [mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office]\nDwight: [changing the clock in Michael's car] Like clockwork.\nJim: [silently counting] Three, two, one... [Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly]\nMichael: [wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What's so funny?\nPam: You had to be there.\nMichael: Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.\nMichael: See you later!\nDwight: Bye Michael! [all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire] Yeah!\nJim: [at company picnic] All right, you ready for this?\nPam: Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right?\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Wait, should I have left the car running? [both laugh]\nPam: Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics.\nJim: Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?\nPam: Tell them what happened last year.\nJim: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.\nPam: No, no, that guy who hit on me.\nJim: Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.\nPam: Yeah, you don't grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance.\nJim: Well...\nDwight: I'm gonna say 30.\nRolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.\nDwight: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.\nRolph: Woah. Homemade?\nDwight: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh]\nDwight: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.\nKevin: Michael, isn't that Holly?\nMichael: We're just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.\nHolly: Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here.\nMichael: Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right.\nHolly: All right.\nMichael: All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey.\nHolly: Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?\nMichael: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.\nAJ: Hey Michael.\nMichael: Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.\nHolly: Lemonade sounds great.\nMichael: Okay.\nAJ: I'd love an iced tea, actually.\nMichael: You can go to hell. [laughs] I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.\nMichael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: 'Holly, you and I are soup snakes.' The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.\nCharles: Jim. Pam.\nJim: Hey, how are you?\nPam: Hey Charles.\nCharles: Nice day, huh?\nJim: Yeah.\nCharles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away]\nJim: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.\nPam: Do you want me to beat him up for you?\nJim: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.\nDwight: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?\nJim: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.\nDwight: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!\nAndy: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?\nDwight: Why? I don't understand.\nAndy: If-\nDwight: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.\nAndy: Uh... [laughs sheepishly]\nDwight: I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.\nAndy: That's...\nDwight: Sly dog.\nAndy: ... not what I meant.\nDwight: Come on, folks!\nMichael: What is up with you two, Holly?\nHolly: Um, not much.\nAJ: We're designing a house.\nMichael: Cool. For who?\nAJ: For us.\nMichael: Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.\nHolly: I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs]\nAJ: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist.\nMichael: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.\nHolly: Okay, yeah.\nAJ: You guys are really gonna do this?\nMichael: You bet your fat ass we are.\nMichael: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.\nHolly: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.\nMichael: That's right.\nHolly: [in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!\nMichael: Newspapers for sale!\nAndy: [playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.\nMan: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.\nAndy: Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You're doing great, by the way.\nErin: Thanks.\nKevin: [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses]\nDwight: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!\nAndy: Are you blind?!\nDwight: I could've gotten that, idiot!\nAndy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!\nDwight: It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!\nPhyllis: We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.\nDwight: [grunts in frustration]\nDwight: [playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game] Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net.\nWoman: So what?\nDwight: Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?\nPam: Back off, Dwight. [serves] Hyuh! [the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers] What?\nPam: Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers.\nPam: [serves] Hyuh! [other team misses and Scranton cheers] Well, look at that, we win!\nJim: Nice job, Beesly.\nDwight: Yes! We advance to the next round!\nPhyllis: Oh, Lord in heaven.\nStanley: [to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs]\nMichael: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.\nHolly: Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?\nMichael: [watching her eat] What?\nHolly: Do you have a script for the sketch, or...\nMichael: Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?\nHolly: Crystal cool.\nDwight: [playing volleyball] Hit it Andy!\nAndy: Bump! I bumped it!\nKevin: Set!\nDwight: Don't set it to yourself!\nKevin: [Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers] Yeah!\nPhyllis: Ow, my ankle!\nDwight: What happened?\nPhyllis: I... twisted it.\nDwight: You weren't even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub!\nAngela: I can play.\nRolph: Is there a... Meredith here?\nMeredith: Yeah! Man in!\nAngela: Rolph, did you not hear me?\nRolph: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!\nMichael: We could do a movie... sort of thing.\nHolly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future.\nMichael: Oh!\nHolly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. [both laugh]\nMichael: Could we get a Delorean?\nHolly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.\nMichael: Oh! [to the theme of 'Jaws'] Dun-der. Dun-der...\nHolly: Dun-der. Dun-der...\nMichael: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh]\nHolly: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.\nMichael: No. No.\nHolly: Oh.\nMichael: We're circling it.\nHolly: Hmm...\nDavid: [playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!\nCharles: Yes we are!\nRolph: You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!\nDwight: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval]\nRolph: It's true!\nToby: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.\nKendall: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.\nToby: Really, really funny.\nKendall: Really funny.\nDwight: Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. [they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug]\nOscar: Settle down gentlemen.\nPam: Good game!\nDavid: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.\nMichael: [shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it's a sketch now.\nDavid: Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause]\nMichael: And now, presenting...\nBoth: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter]\nMichael: [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs]\nHolly: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?\nMichael: Yes, I am.\nHolly: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?\nMichael: Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.\nHolly: That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael]\nMichael: [screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!\nHolly: [now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you'll get in?\nMichael: Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.\nHolly: I'm Robert Dunder.\nMichael: I'm Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience's response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs]\nHolly: Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!\nMichael: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.\nHolly: That is correct!\nMichael: Yes!\nStanley: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.\nHolly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!\nMichael: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!\nHolly: That is correct!\nMan from Buffalo: [over crowd of murmurs] What is he talking about?\nHolly: [pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?!\nMichael: David Wallace told me!!\nWoman from Buffalo: David, is this true?\nDavid: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...\nMan from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?\nHolly: They didn't know?\nMichael: [whispers] I guess not.\nDavid: I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.\nWoman from Buffalo: And?\nDavid: We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch.\nMan from Buffalo: [over shouts of protest] You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. [Michael and Holly bow]\nDavid: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?\nMichael: Well... I didn't know they didn't know.\nDavid: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, 'oh, this would be really funny.'\nMichael: Thank you.\nDavid: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, 'is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?'\nMichael: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.\nMeredith: Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.\nDwight: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.\nPam: How do you figure?\nDwight: Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.\nOscar: Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.\nPam: Let's do this.\nAndy: [playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers]\nCharles: Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I've been up for a while.\nKevin: It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin]\nAngela: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?\nRolph: Here's an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore.\nDwight: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.\nRolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-\nDwight: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-\nRolph: No way! You don't mean that!\nDwight: Rolph, leave it alone!\nErin: [hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah!\nPam: [running for the ball] I got it!\nDwight: Pam!\nPam: [falls] Oof!\nJim: You all right?\nPam: Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine.\nJim: You sure?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Hey, easy, easy...\nCharles: Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at.\nPam: No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second.\nCharles: I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?\nDavid: Yeah.\nJim: All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player.\nCharles: Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health.\nJim: No, uh-\nPam: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go!\nCharles: Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot.\nDwight: [whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em.\nCharles: I guess that's it for you, Jim.\nJim: All right, you know what? [picks Pam up and carries her off the court] Let's do this.\nPam: We'll be back!\nDwight: Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! [kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly] I'll get it. [walks slowly toward the woods]\nMichael: Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.\nHolly: Hindsight.\nMichael: Should've had hindsight.\nHolly: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?\nMichael: I think it went well. I think it was good.\nHolly: There weren't any laughs.\nMichael: No, it was a tough audience.\nHolly: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.\nMichael: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.\nHolly: Well, I'm glad we did it.\nMichael: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.\nHolly: I can't wait.\nJim: [on the phone] Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something!\nNurse: To be safe, we should do an x-ray.\nPam: How long will that take?\nNurse: Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...\nPam: I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to.\nNurse: Oh good, because my next question was 'do you have a game to get back to.'\nHolly: What'd you think?\nAJ: I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but...\nMichael: Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch.\nHolly: [laughs] Okay. So good to see you.\nMichael: Good to see you. [they hug] AJ.\nAJ: Michael. [they shake hands]\nMichael: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.\nDavid: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.\nCharles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?\nDwight: Okay. Fine.\nCharles: All right! Come on.\nDwight: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?\nAndy: Dwight.\nDwight: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?\nDavid: Dwight.\nDwight: Seven? Can I finish please?\nDavid: Okay.\nDwight: Eight?\nJim: [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! [laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam]"}
{"text": "Michael: [enters office, somersaults onto couch, kicks over painting and lamp] Parkour!\nDwight & Andy: [rush into office, Andy climbs on reception desk, Dwight holds video camera]\nAndy: Parkour!\nDwight: [walking on Pam's desk, then Jim's desk] Extreme! Parkour!\nJim: This... is Parkour. [turns laptop to camera, shows Parkour instructional video] Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. [Michael is shown climbing/walking on various objects in office] The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing Parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.\nDwight: [stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films, Meredith is seen applying deodorant in women's bathroom]\nDwight & Andy: [approaching elevator, as Michael films] Parkour! Parkour!\nDwight: Andy! Leapfrog! [Andy leapfrogs Dwight]\nAndy: Do me! Do me!\nDwight: Yeah! [Dwight jumps on Andy's back, riding him like a horse] Parkour! Parkour!\nAndy: Ow! Get off! Get off!\nDwight: Okay.\nAndy & Michael: [walking across cars in parking lot, Dwight filming] Parkour! Parkour!\nDwight: [crouching beside car] Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera! [Michael feebly attempts to jump off car, gives double thumbs up to camera]\nMichael: [standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy, looking down] Okay, we all go together or we go one at a time.\nAndy: Here it is, here it is... truck, to refrigerators, to dumpster, [camera pans to refrigerator boxes, then dumpster] 360 onto the pallets, backflip gainer to the trash can.\nMichael & Dwight: [in unison] Yeah! Gainer! Woohoo!\nAndy: [to Michael's camera] Hardcore Parkour!\nMichael: Parkoooooour!\nDwight: Let's do it!\nAndy: [leaps from trailer, disappears into empty refrigerator box]\nMichael & Dwight: [look down, appearing shocked and concerned]\nAndy: [inside refrigerator box, sounding injured] Parkour!\nDwight: [on telephone] Good. Excellent. Thank you.\nFemale Intern: [hands Dwight a cup of water] There you go. Is there anything else I can do?\nDwight: [chugs water, throws away cup] Yes. Umm... see those files behind Kevin's desk?\nFemale Intern: [nods] Mm hmm.\nDwight: Go put them all in random order.\nFemale intern: [confused] Mm-kay.\nDwight: Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order.\nPam: This is the last day of our summer interns. It's been nice. We haven't had interns for a while, ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. [interns are shown gathered around Kelly's desk, one holding a box of tissues, as Kelly cries and wipes tears] He didn't do anything sexual. [female intern opens a jar of salsa for Michael] He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky jokes. [Meredith rubs her breasts into Maurie's back] It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program.\nMeredith: [to Oscar, motioning to male intern and female intern] Think she did him?\nOscar: I bet there's something there. I was with them in the kitchen yesterday, and they were all too happy to be cleaning the freezer.\nKelly: If they get married before I do, I'm going to kill myself.\nMichael: [entering break room] Who's getting married?\nPam: Nobody.\nMichael: If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm gonna start screaming.\nKelly: It's Eric and Megan.\nMichael: Oh! Hey, I hired them! Matchmaker! This place is like Spaniard Fly.\nPhyllis: They're not getting married. It's just talk.\nMichael: Did everybody know about this but me?\nPhyllis: There's nothing to know, it's just gossip.\nMichael: [shaking head disgustedly] Okay... okay. [leaves room]\nPam: [talking head with Jim] We haven't told anyone I'm pregnant.\nJim: Well, with her being unmarried... knocked up by some guy, I mean the yakity-yaks in this office would have a field day.\nPam: Yeah, we don't want them at the wedding thinking Jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgum.\nJim: Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun?\nPam: Nope.\nJim: No shotgun... 'cause that changes everything.\nPam: Can't back out now, Halpert.\nJim: What are you gonna do about it? There's no shotgun, so... free at last, free at last!\nPam: No, keep it up.\nMichael: [approaches Dwight's desk] You'll never guess what I know.\nDwight: [typing] Okay, let me finish this thought.\nMichael: Eric likes Megan.\nDwight: [still typing] He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well.\nMichael: [annoyed] How do you know this?\nDwight: [still typing] People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones. And... boom. [finishes typing, turns to face Michael] Okay, what is it, what can't I guess?\nMichael: I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist? I should've known. Poopball?\nMichael: [to Maurie, the Asian intern] Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said 'The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.'\nMaurie: What are you talking about?\nMichael: I'm talking about your group date with Megan and Eric.\nMaurie: At Tink's?\nMichael: Yes\nMaurie: How'd you know about that?\nMichael: Well...\nMaurie: Did Stanley tell you?\nMichael: [confused] Stanley was on your group date?\nMaurie: No, Stanley was with his wife. I waved at him, but he didn't wave back.\nMichael: [laughs] Does anybody else know about this?\nMaurie: No.\nMichael: [laughs, looks to camera excitedly]\nMichael: There he goes. There he goes. [Stanley gets up from his desk, walks into kitchen area]\nMichael: So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything?\nDwight, Jim & Pam: [stare blankly at Michael]\nMichael: Nothing? Well I got a little somethin' somethin'. I don't know if I should say...\nPam: Just keep it to yourself then.\nMichael: Stanly is having a midlife crisis.\nDwight: Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.\nMichael: Well apparently, he and his wife were out dancing at a club for young people.\nPhyllis: Teri's out of town, Michael.\nMichael: Who?\nPhyllis: Teri, Stanley's wife. She's at an interior decorating expo in Philly. Stanley hates crowds, kids, and music. I think you should check your facts.\nMichael: [starts to speak, says nothing, walks away]\nMichael: [entering break room, to Maurie] You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up.\nMaurie: What are you talking about?\nMichael: Stanley's wife is out of town.\nMaurie: He was with somebody.\nEric: He was definitely with somebody.\nMichael: Oh, was he? Well who, his sister?\nEric: [chuckles]\nMichael: [upset] I don't get it!\nEric: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.\nMichael: Drugs?\nEric: Making out.\nMichael: [fumbling for words] Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on.\nMichael: [approaching Kelly's desk, whispering] Stanley is having an affir.\nKelly: WHAT??\nMichael: I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody's attenton, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, [Michael is seen whispering to Jim, then Pam] that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention.\nMichael: [motioning to pad of paper with hangman game, spelling out 'S_an_ey is chea_in_ _n _eri] That and that are the same letter.\nKevin: Q.\nMichael: No... no. He's holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil. What's that letter, right there? Same letter here and here. What haven't you guessed?\nKevin: T.\nMichael: T! Yes! Yes! That is a 'T', and there's another one right there. Just sound that out. You're almost there.\nMichael: [opening blinds as Stanley walks past] Hey, Stanley! Where you goin', big guy? Up to no good?\nStanley: I'm meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that?\nMichael: No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?\nStanley: Goodbye. [walks away]\nMichael: Pays five million dollars. Nudity required.\nJim: [approaching Michael] You have to stop this.\nMichael: [giddy, whispering] Did you hear Stanley's having an affair?\nJim: I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people.\nMichael: Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser...\nJim: Do you know if it's true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life.\nMichael: [stares at Jim silently, then walks away]\nMichael: [in parking lot, blocking path of Stanley's car] Stop. Hold up, hold up, hold up! No, no, no. Time to stop being polite and get real. [Stanley honks horn repeatedly] Stanley, are you having an affair?\nStanley: [as Michael gets in car] That is ridiculous. Of course not, why would you think that?\nMichael: So It's not true. Okay, well... ahhh, those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just... racial profiling gossip.\nStanley: [hits steering wheel angrily] Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.\nMichael: [nodding] So stupid!\nStanley: It's just that... Teri's been traveling a lot...\nMichael: I know, I know.\nStanley: And it's been lonely.\nMichael: Oh, I bet.\nStanley: Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill... I didn't...\nMichael: Wait, hold, hold, hold... so it IS true?\nStanley: Yeah, but Michael, I'm going to go break it off. That's where I'm headed right now. I swear.\nMichael: Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? 'Cause that's not cool.\nStanley: I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael, please.\nMichael: [muttering] I'm not saying... a damn thing.\nStanley: I'm counting on you, Michael.\nMichael: [looking afraid] You can count on me.\nStanley: [sighs]\nMichael: [entering kitchen area] Oh, that smells good.\nKevin: I might have extra, it just depends on how many I eat.\nMichael: Did you hear about Angela? That's pretty weird.\nKevin: Yeah... what do you mean exactly?\nMichael: Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno's on the turnpike.\nKevin: Reeeeally.\nMichael: Uh huh. [gestures to Kevin to keep it quiet] Alright?\nMichael: How do you un-tell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including 'Stanley is having an affair.' It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.\nErin: Kelly has an eating disorder?\nMichael: Yeah.\nErin: She always eats my lunch.\nMichael: Anorexia. She's an anorexatic.\nErin: We should do something.\nMichael: Nothing can be done, we just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess.\nMichael: [to Kelly] I'm worried about Erin, because she's not a very good worker. I don't know how long she's gonna last here.\nKelly: Really?\nMichael: Yeah. So... and Andy is gay.\nKelly: Andy Bernard??\nMichael: Mm hmm.\nMichael: [whispering to Meredith] Did you hear Pam is pregnant?\nMeredith: Really?\nMichael: Yeah!\nMeredith: She's gonna hate being a mom.\nAndy: [making a cup of tea in kitchen area]\nKevin: [looks at Andy and giggles]\nAndy: What?\nKevin: [still giggling] Tea.\nAndy: So?\nKevin: You would.\nAndy: [laughing] I like tea!\nKevin: [sarcastically] Oh, I bet you like it.\nAndy: Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea!\nKevin: Do you like it as much as you like mens' butts?\nAndy: WHAT??\nKevin: Because you're gay.\nAndy: [serious] Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school?\nAndy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence... a little too weird. [chuckles nervously] Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. [long pause] But it makes you wonder.\nAndy: [to Oscar in break room] Did you hear the rumor about me? That I'm gay?\nOscar: [nodding] I did. Yes.\nAndy: And?\nOscar: What?\nAndy: Do you think it's true? Do you think that I'm... gay?\nOscar: Are you attracted to other men?\nAndy: [scoffs and chuckles] No! But, let me kick you a scenario. I'm at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. He tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like at first. But if he was persistent, [long pause] I think I might give in a little bit, just to see what it... felt like.\nOscar: [stares at Andy incredulously]\nAndy: Would I push him away? How hard? Like, what if he's like really aggressive?\nOscar: If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still... need to get to you?\nAndy: It's not real Brad Pitt, this is like, this is my fantasy. Or it's like, not a fantasy, it's just... it's just a scenario.\nOscar: Wow. I wish... I wish I could help you. I don't... you might be gay. You might be gay.\nOscar: What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.\nPhyllis: How far along is Pam?\nMeredith: A few months, that's why they're rushing the wedding.\nMichael: [whispering] Guys, guys... you can't believe everything you hear. Like Stanley, having an affair? That is crazy! It's just... there's no stalking it. It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go.\nMichael: [with everyone assembled in conference room] Okay everybody, big day. Last day for our interns, a lot of other stuff... who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors.\nDwight: [giving envelopes to interns] Present these to the dean for credit. And, as a gift, I've attached my card. Call me any time of the day or night.\nEric: Why would we call you at night?\nDwight: [grabs card from Eric, crumples it, throws it to the ground] Well now you can't call me at all. Problem solved.\nJim: [to Eric] You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs.\nDwight: Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. [interns do nothing] One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you [looks directly at Megan] will make a great mother. It's up to you to choose which you want to be.\nErin: [eating cake with Kelly] I am so happy you're eating again.\nKelly: [mouth full of cake] Me too!\nAndy: [to Jim] Tuna, how come you never try to set me up?\nJim: Oh, I don't really do that. But Pam might have some friends, though.\nAndy: Women friends?\nJim: Yep.\nAndy: Not guy friends?\nJim: Are you... interested in her guy friends?\nAndy: No. I mean, for the record, I prefer women.\nJim: Okay.\nAndy: But off the record, I'm kinda confused.\nJim: Really.\nAndy: Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me, I feel like...\nJim: Well you gotta figure this out.\nAndy: Yeah, right?\nJim: Yeah!\nAndy: How?\nJim: You gotta have sex with a woman.\nAndy: Right-o.\nJim: And a man.\nAndy: Ohh...\nJim: And then compare.\nAndy: Alright. [looks around uneasily] Well hey...\nJim: Yep.\nAndy: Congratulations to you.\nJim: On what?\nAndy: [chuckles] Come on... little baby Tuna. Little junior toro.\nJim: [looks around room nervously]\nAngela: [to Pam] Did you know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard?\nPam: What?\nAngela: Want me to say it again?\nPam: Why did that come into your brain?\nJim: [grabs Pam by the arm] Can I talk to you for a second?\nJim: [whispering to Pam in corner of room] So, they know.\nPam: Who did you tell?\nJim: I didn't tell anyone! Who did you tell?\nPam: Nobody!\nCreed: [approaching Jim and Pam] Hey, did one of you tell Stanley I have asthma? Because I don't, and if it gets out, they won't let me scuba.\nCreed: If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?\nOscar: [to Andy] What? You think I'm the voice of the Taco Bell dog?\nToby: [to Phyllis and Stanley] What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter. How can I be a virgin?\nJim: Hey, has everyone heard a crazy rumor about themselves today?\nEveryone: [in unison] Yes.\nMichael: [entering conference room] Yeah, yeah... you know what? Let's discredit these rumors.\nJim: Yeah, sure, but... who's been saying all that stuff?\nMichael: That's not important, Jim, I just think we shouldn't listen to any of that crap.\nPam: Sure, but we should get to the bottom of this. Let's pick a rumor and trace it back to the beginning.\nKevin: I need to do mine first. Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me, working me with controls?\nCreed: I heard that from... Andy.\nAndy: I heard it from Erin.\nErin: I heard it from Michael.\nMichael: [quietly leaves room]\nPam: [approaching Michael at elevators] Michael? [to others] He's over here!\nPam: [to Michael] Where are you going?\nMichael: Nowhere.\nDwight: Michael... [leads Michael to corner of vestibule, then whispers] You told people I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from. Hmm? Hmm? [Michael looks nervously to camera as elevator doors open]\nPam: Don't get on it. [Michael inches toward elevator]\nJim: Michael, don't.\nPam: Don't... get... on. Do not.\nJim: Michael...\nKevin: Stay.\nPam: Step away.\nCreed: Come on, boss.\nMichael: [reluctantly exits elevator]\nMichael: [to everyone, in conference room] Okay, I made it all up.\nEveryone: [sighs in unison]\nAndy: Even the fact that I'm gay?\nMichael: Yes.\nAndy: [relieved] Yes!\nMichael: But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.\nAngela: No. We heard that about Jim.\nMichael: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.\nAngela: How is that a bad rumor?\nMichael: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.\nOscar: Michael, why? Why say all these things? Why make up an eating disorder, Stanley's affair, me being a spokesdog...\nStanley: [pissed off] You told everyone I was having an affair?\nMichael: Okay, okay... here's the thing. There was one true rumor out there today. I didn't want everybody to know what it was. So all of you are off the hook, except for this one person.\nKelly: Well then, what's the one true rumor?\nPhyllis: We have a right to know.\nAndy: Michael... am I gay?\nMichael: [sighs] The one true rumor, and this is going to ruin this person's life, is that...\nJim: [interrupting] That Pam's pregnant.\nAngela: I knew it!\nKevin: I knew it! Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought 'Oh, she has a new bra with padding.' But then I thought 'Pam doesn't need padding.' It just didn't add up, Jim.\nJim: Okay. Thank you.\nPhyllis: Congratulations!\nErin: That's really great, you guys.\nRyan: Don't vaccinate it.\nDwight: Who's the father?\nPam: Jim.\nCreed: How far along?\nJim: Four months.\nCreed: Who's the OB/GYN?\nPam: Stop. Don't. Just...\nMichael: Alright, alright... you know, this is not the truth, and you can't fall on the sword this way. The real thing is that Stanley Hudson had an affair.\nJim: Nope.\nMichael: Yes. Jim...\nJim: [arm around Pam] Thank you for trying to defend her. But actually, Pam is pregnant, and we can prove it.\nPam: Yes.\nJim: If everyone would like to see proof.\nPam: Okay. [leaves room]\nKelly: Are we just gonna wait here? [Pam returns, displays sonogram]\nEveryone: [gasps, then cheers]\nKelly: It's true!\nMichael: Look at that! [grabs sonogram from Pam] That is the inside of your vagina! [Jim takes sonogram from Michael]\nPam: [talking head with Jim] It's clear why we were trying not to tell people. That's clear now. [Jim nods, looking at floor]\nMichael: [to Jim and Pam] How long have you known about the pregnancy?\nJim & Pam: [look at each other uncertainly]\nMichael: A week? A month? A year?\nJim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.\nMichael: Did you pee on a stick?\nJim: I did. It was inconclusive.\nMichael: You should've told me.\nPam: [exchanges looks with Jim] You're right. We should've realized that you are an equal part of this.\nMichael: [phone rings, hits speaker button]\nErin: Michael, Teri Hudson returning your call.\nMichael: [gasps]\nPam: [in disbelief] You called Stanley's wife?\nMichael: Oh, oh... yeah, a long time ago, just to make sure she was out of town. Oh... oh God.\nJim: Don't take it.\nMichael: No, I have to take it, or it'll seem suspicious.\nPam: If you talk to her, you're gonna tell her about Stanley, and that's gonna seem more suspicious.\nMichael: No, no, I can do this.\nJim: You can't do this.\nMichael: Yes, I can. I am going to tell her that I need to redecorate my condo, and I need her help. We will haggle about money, and then I will back down, and then I won't talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over.\nJim: That sounds terrible.\nPam: Michael, please don't.\nMichael: [picking up phone] Hey, what up, Cynthia? [lowers phone, looking terrified]\nJim: [gets up to leave room, Michael gestures for him to stay]\nMichael: Hold on a second, Cynthia.\nJim: [hangs up Michael's phone, leaves room]\nMichael: Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess [Jim is seen displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try.\nMaurie: [talking head with Eric and Megan] I learned that a company can describe their internship as 'full of exciting experiences,' even if that's a lie. There's no regulation.\nMegan: I learned that half these people's email password is 'password.'\nEric: I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets.\nMegan: I thought it was 500.\nEric: Oh... I guess I didn't learn anything.\nMaurie: I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li, Michael will call you 'Jet Li' all summer.\nMegan: [raises hand] Julia Stiles.\nEric: [raises hand] Alan Thicke."}
{"text": "Michael: [knock at Michael's Office door] Yeah?\nOscar: You wanted to see me?\nMichael: Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me.\nOscar: Yeah sure.\nMichael: I'm going in for a procedure today.\nOscar: Is everything okay?\nMichael: Yeah, it's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.\nOscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. [pulls up a chair] What do you? What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking?\nMichael: It is a colonoscopy.\nOscar: Okay.\nMichael: In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry?\nOscar: [sighs] Oh my God.\nMichael: My main concern, should I have a safe word?\nOscar: Yeah. [Oscar gets up and walks out]\nDavid Wallace: So Michael, do you think you can give me a run down on the Buffalo clients by Monday?\nMichael: Abso... you know what? I'll do you one better, Sunday, Sunday night.\nDavid: Okay, I will look at it Monday.\nMichael: Ho, Hol, hold on big guy, I'm gonna put it in the mail Sunday night and you'll get it Weds.\nDavid: Okay, Jim you wanna hit the conference room?\nJim: Sure.\nPam: Hey, Good luck.\nMichael: Oh right, this thing. I remember now. [whispers to Jim] What's this about?\nJim: Ah, this is just me and David, if that's okay.\nMichael: It's okay with me but he's gonna want me in there.\nDavid: No, ah it's okay Michael. We got it.\nMichael: Really?\nDavid: Yeah.\nMichael: Alright, do you mind if it sit this out? I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out.\nDavid: [nods] Okay. [Jim smiles and waves to Pam]\nMichael: Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No, because we are the Three Amigos. And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off... to the bathroom... while the other two have a secret meeting. [shrugs]\nMichael: Hey let me escort you to your desk.\nPam: Okay, it's just three or four steps but thank you, thank you.\nMichael: You and Jim are close, huh?\nPam: Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together.\nMichael: Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you...\nPam: Ummm, I don't know.\nMichael: Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in.\nPam: Did I? Doesn't sound like me, not very superstitious.\nMichael: If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.\nPam: Please don't talk about my breast milk.\nMichael: I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: I just don't want you to.\nDarryl: I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and the ladder's on top of me.\nToby: And that's how you broke your ankle?\nDarryl: Yes.\nDwight: Hmmm, interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you, if you fell off of it?\nDarryl: This doesn't concern you man, you need to walk away.\nDwight: Oh really, I'm sorry I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden.\nDarryl: If we were living in Sweden, I wouldn't have to worry about this 'cause we'd have universal healthcare.\nDwight: Nnnnn, that's not... okay.\nDarryl: Be quiet.\nDwight: I'm talking about... hmmm.\nToby: I will send this off to corporate. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills. Feel better.\nDarryl: Thanks T-Man, later. [fist bumps Toby}\nDwight: So long Darryl, feel better... [to Toby] He's lying.\nToby: He has a doctor's note.\nDwight: Oh? From who, Dr. J? Look, you really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders.\nToby: A guy on my street fell off a ladder painting his house. It was on the news.\nDwight: Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? [imitating Darryl] Y'all having birthday cake?\nToby: That's not a very good Darryl.\nDwight: Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?\nToby: Hmmm.\nDwight: It just doesn't add up.\nToby: Well, we did a little investigation and Dwight had a good point. The ladder didn't reach the top shelf. I don't know if I believe it, but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel. [impression] I'll punch you in da mush, see.\nMichael: [walks into conference room on his cell phone, interrupting David and Jim] Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it you can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will... I love you too. Bye.\nJim: Who was that?\nMichael: Sorry about that. What'd I miss?\nDavid: Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind.\nMichael: Do not mind! Yes, I do! No, I don't. Yes, I do! No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity flop. Oh this... call waiting. [answers his phone] Yeah, uh huh, well you tell the Mayor he just lost six votes.\nCreed: [spying on David and Jim] They've been in there a while.\nMichael: Yeah.\nCreed: Can't be good.\nMichael: Nope.\nCreed: Think they're talking about me?\nMichael: No, I think they're talking about me.\nCreed: Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay thanks boss.\nMichael: What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job? That 's bull crap. That is bull crap. Although, it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you there has been work everyday. Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve... I left my cell phone here.\nPam: Hey Kelly.\nKelly: Ugh, so jealous of your boobs.\nPam: Thank you. Um, listen I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable and more than fine.\nKelly: Is Ryan going?\nPam: I don't know, he hasn't RSVP'd yet.\nPam: We invited everyone in the office to our wedding. Even though we realized most people wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls. [whispers] Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls. [normal volume] Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off, if they came. So now, people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work.\nKelly: Here's the deal. I really want to go but I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go, because it's kind of a waste of time. That came out wrong. It would awesome if you could try to get him to go because I'd really like to be there to support Jim.\nAndy: What can I do for ya Hoss?\nMichael: [staring into the conference room] How are your sales doin'?\nAndy: How are my sales doin'? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and it's 'cause of the economy. You're not buying it, you're good. Okay the truth is, I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine and it's a total mind effer.\nPhyllis: Again with the cousin.\nAndy: Oh, I'm sorry Phyllis, you explain this email, okay. 'Hey Andy let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together, ha ha.'\nMichael: Shhh, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay?\nMichael: Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I'm completely overwhelmed.\nMichael: You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work? Well, I don't believe that. I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just elegant.\nMichael: [in the cheese cart] Be my eyes.\nAndy: You got it.\nStanley: What have we here?\nAndy: Oh, just backing up and turning around.\nKevin: Hey, we're gonna do this...\nAndy: Dit, dit, dit, dit, it's not for you. [enters the conference room] Pardon moi, Messieurs. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room.\nDavid: Cheese platter?\nAndy: Oui, Oui, Monsieur. From the Wisconsin region, a nice firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find a cheddar style spread which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine Bleu Cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the bleu cheese. Bon appetit.\nDavid: Alright, well I should go. Thanks for this. You've given me a lot to think about. Please promise me you won't do anything until we speak.\nJim: No, I won't. Alright, thanks for giving me your time, I appreciate it.\nDavid: Thank you Jim.\nDavid: Erin, is Michael around?\nErin: I think he's around here...\nMichael: [crawls out of the cheese cart unseen] Hey, hey, you must have walked right past me. How you doin'?\nDavid: Ah, yeah, could we talk in your office for a second?\nMichael: Yes, definitely.\nToby: [spying at Darryl's house] Sounds like a EMDP-40.\nDwight: Nah, that's a GE. A P40 is much higher pitched.\nToby: You're into trains?\nDwight: I have been my whole life.\nToby: Wow.\nDwight: I'm rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house.\nToby: That's so cool.\nDwight: Yeah.\nToby: Wow, I'd love to take a look at that.\nDwight: Yeah, it's just a run of the mill slaughter house, but sure anytime.\nToby: Well, you know, 'cause of the trains.\nDwight: Wa... wa... wait , someone's coming.\nToby: Uhh, oh boy, oh boy.\nDwight: Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera!\nToby: Get over there! Get over there!\nDwight: Oh, worker's comp, my ass!\nToby: I can't believe this. [mistaking Darryl's sister for Darryl] Hey you, ass****!\nDwight: Toby...\nToby: You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?\nDwight: Ooohhh... [crashes car into garbage cans] Oh man! You okay?\nToby: Just keep going.\nPam: Hey Ryan.\nRyan: Hey.\nPam: So, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding.\nRyan: Yeah, I might stop by.\nPam: It costs about $75 per person.\nRyan: Okay, I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77.\nPam: Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not?\nRyan: Yes, I'm coming to your wedding.\nPam: Okay, Ryan Howard, yes.\nRyan: Probably, yes.\nPam: Kelly Kapoor, yes.\nDavid: Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilites?\nMichael: Look who you're talking to.\nDavid: I'm just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents.\nMichael: Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever.\nDavid: What about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position?\nMichael: [looks at Jim] Permission to speak on the record?\nDavid: Please do.\nMichael: Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No, I don't think so. Because Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. I... If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe.\nDavid: I thought you liked Jim?\nMichael: Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it's his performance report... right here. Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable.\nDavid: [reading performance report] 'Constant office distractions, spends way too much time at reception, antagonizes other salesman, not at all what he thinks he is.'\nMichael: It's not very well written, but you get the gist.\nDavid: Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch?\nMichael: I can just continue to run it myself.\nDavid: Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position.\nMichael: This was Jim's idea?\nDavid: Mmhmm.\nMichael: Wow. Ummm, well I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H and R Block.\nDavid: Ummm... okay, here's the thing though. The plan doesn't work unless we have someone to replace you. I was hoping... plus we have to worry about Jim, he has another job offer. We may have to replace him.\nJim: I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example, he handed out Jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown marathon.\nDavid: Jim can you walk me out to my car for a second.\nJim: Sure.\nMichael: [after talking to David, Jim looks dejected] I can't help but feel partially responsible.\nMichael: [shakes jelly beans] Little pick me up? [Jim accepts] Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush.\nJim: When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace, did I come up at all?\nMichael: Well we did talk about how handsome you are.\nJim: Why don't we head in your office to talk?\nMichael: Oh what a week, God. We said... I know there were certain things we said...\nJim: Michael, look I'll just be honest with you. Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion. I actually think that talk went really well. And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed.\nMichael: Hmmm, that's weird, that's weird... it's kinda weirding me out. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.\nJim: Michael, did you say anything?\nMichael: Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion.\nJim: Really?\nMichael: Yes!\nJim: You will? Wanna do it right now?\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.\nDwight: I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated.\nToby: If they were dilated...\nDarryl: Toby! Dwight! Is that them?\nGwenneth: Definitely.\nDarryl: You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass****, and told her to eat dog food.\nDwight: We thought that she was you.\nDarryl: Why would you think a lady is me?\nDwight: Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?\nToby: No, nah. I don't see it.\nDarryl: Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you.\nDwight: Aww, Darryl.\nDarryl: C'mon Gwenneth.\nGwenneth: Sad.\nDavid: [on phone] This is David.\nMichael: Hey David, this is Michael Scott. [Jim pushes speaker phone button] Michael Scott here.\nDavid: Yep.\nMichael: Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.\nDavid: So, what, you're changing your mind about Jim?\nMichael : Absolutely, [turns speakerphone off] not. [turns speakerphone back on] Like I said before, Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job.\nDavid: Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out... This is not what you said earlier.\nMichael: Wha... here's the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him.\nDavid: Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file.\nMichael: Well, nnnn, that... that was an anomaly. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.\nDavid: Michael, I really don't know what's going on [police sirens in background] down there, but... oh, dammit, I am getting pulled over for talking on my cell, dammit.\nToby: Hey Darryl, look ahhh, we're here to apologize ahh...\nDarryl: Cool.\nDwight: Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.\nToby: What?\nDwight: He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment, case closed.\nDarryl: Stupidest thing I've ever heard.\nDwight: Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby.\nToby: Well, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em but I suppose if we wanted to be really certain...\nDarryl: Alright, yeah fine so whatever...\nDwight: Yes!\nToby: You really did it...\nDwight: Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.\nDarryl: And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister.\nDwight: Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that...\nToby: Ahhh, kay. Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but you know, we can just move on with our... with our lives.\nToby: So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that both would file complaints with corporate and now I get to do all this paperwork. We worked it out.\nMichael: Hey, hey Jim, it would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face. Alright, Just do it.\nJim: How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job.\nMichael: I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, [starts to choke up] and now I don't wanna lose the baby.\nJim: So instead, you screwed me?\nMichael: That's what she...\nJim: No.\nErin: David Wallace is calling.\nMichael: Kind of in the middle of something here.\nErin: Should I tell him you'll call him back?\nMichael: I, yeah... no, I'll tell him myself. Let's both.\nMichael: [on phone] Hello.\nDavid: Hey Michael, you got Jim there with you?\nMichael: No, it's just us.\nDavid: Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please.\nMichael: Oh, oh, well here he is right now. [Michael knocks on desk] Come in. [Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer]\nJim: Hi David.\nDavid: Hey guys, so I spoke to Alan, we had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool. But it only works if everyone's on board.\nMichael: Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.\nDavid: We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day to day and Michael you would focus on clients and big picture stuff.\nJim: Wow, that sounds pretty cool.\nMichael: I like that, so manager and co-manager.\nDavid: Co-manager and Co-manager. See, there are a lot of moving pieces and this is the only way I can sell it upstairs.\nMichael: Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager.\nDavid: Alright, hey Michael can you pick up for one second. [Michael picks up phone] Okay look, I'm not going to force you into anything. If you're willing to lose Jim, fine, you just say so and we'll find another solution, okay. Is that what you want to do?\nDwight: Okay people, listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed...\nMichael: Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make... whoa do you have an announcement?\nDwight: I'm... I was making it.\nMichael: Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.\nStanley: Co-manager of what?\nMichael: Of your butt, and your butt, and your butt, all of the Scranton branch butts.\nPhyllis: What's happening to you Michael?\nMichael: What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager, we will be co-managers together. Jim Halpert, welcome.\nJim: [shakes Michael's hand] Thank you. [Dwight looks disappointed and angry behind them]\nDwight: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!\nMeredith: Niagara Falls in October? Pfft, hells yeah.\nPam: Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card?\nMeredith: Nah, I'll just tell you now, easier.\nPam: Well, you have to choose a food option and there's information in there about directions and lodging...\nMeredith: I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs. I'll just get the other information the day of, I'll text you.\nPam: You are going to text me, the morning of my wedding.\nMeredith: Uh huh.\nPam: To ask for directions..\nMeredith: Right...\nPam: And you will eat whatever is fanciest?\nMeredith: Unless there's ribs. [leaves]\nAngela: Rude.\nPam: So rude, right?\nAngela: Mmm hmmm.\nPam: [sits down] Oh my gosh, I have been chasing people down all day. It's incredible.\nAngela: Pam, my bag was there..."}
{"text": "Dwight: [in Michael's office] Could you please sign my expense report?\nMichael: No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture, epic.\nDwight: [in Jim's office] Sign this.\nJim: Ah, ah, ah. Where's the 'please'? We're not animals.\nDwight: Sign it.\nJim: No, not without a 'please.'\nDwight: Idiot.\nDwight: [in Michael's office] I have a complaint about Jim.\nMichael: That is not big picture.\nDwight: I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.\nMichael: ... Okay.\nDwight: Jim won't sign my expense report.\nMichael: That is not- okay- that is day-to-day.\nDwight: No, that is huge.\nMichael: You're trying to trick me.\nDwight: This has to do-\nMichael: Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.\nDwight: [in Jim's office] I'd like to lodge a complaint.\nJim: I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about?\nDwight: You!\nJim: Okay. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously. So... When did this happen?\nDwight: One minute ago.\nJim: Okay. And how do you feel?\nDwight: Angry.\nJim: All right. Did he hit you?\nDwight: No.\nJim: Did you cry?\nDwight: No.\nJim: Did you feel like crying?\nDwight: No.\nJim: I'm just gonna write 'held back tears.'\nDwight: Wait, stop writing that. That is not true.\nJim: If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it.\nDwight: I'm not cr- uhh!\nDwight: I deserved that promotion, not Jim. Oh, man. Makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing. And then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock! And he's gasping, he's panting! Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! [claps hands and stands up] Aha! $18,000 and a chance at the title! Ooh hah!\nErin: [at the door] Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.\nMichael: Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up, because I'd like everyone to meet in the conference room in five minutes. And I suggest that you bring a snack, because we may be in there for a while.\nJim: Michael...\nMichael: Yes?\nJim: Can I talk to you in my office for a second?\nMichael: Mmm, sure, but could I first talk to you in my office?\nStanley: Can I also be a boss?\nOscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?\nJim: I have noticed that we-\nMichael: Welcome.\nJim: Thank you. I've noticed we've been having a lot of conference room meetings.\nMichael: Mm-hmm.\nJim: And I'm wondEring if perhaps those are a bit, um-\nMichael: Disruptive.\nJim: Yes.\nMichael: No, I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important.\nJim: Okay, maybe we should talk specifics.\nMichael: Let's do.\nJim: Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.\nMichael: N- well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the- ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?\nJim: I am.\nMichael: Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets...\nJim: Right.\nMichael: At first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are.\nJim: Yes, I agree.\nMichael: Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust.\nJim: I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day.\nMichael: You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.\nJim: You mean on a weekend?\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: How about this? I think our goal should be we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential.\nMichael: Alright. No more meetings this week.\nJim: Really? You just agreed to that?\nMichael: I can be very suprising.\nPhyllis: What's going on?\nPam: I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant.\nRyan: You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.\nPhyllis: Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts?\nPam: We did, but mostly because people expect us to. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry... However much.\nPam: It's awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn't Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?\nPhyllis: Perfect. I hate registries.\nPam: Oh, good.\nPhyllis: My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be suprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?\nPam: No, we're not.\nPhyllis: Good. Good.\nMichael: Mm-hmm?\nJim: [walks in, see's Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting in Michaels office] Okay, I thought I saw people missing.\nMichael: Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each.\nJim: Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?\nMichael: Stanley, you don't need to answer that.\nJim: Stanley?\nStanley: If you don't smell this, you're fired.'\nJim: Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people's time with meetings like these.\nMichael: What do you mean by 'these people'?\nJim: Michael, this is a conference room meeting.\nMichael: Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room.\nJim: That's not what I meant.\nMichael: Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want.\nJim: I disagree.\nMichael: What do you guys think? [all start talking at the same time]\nJim: Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael?\nMichael: No, no, no, you don't need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people.\nJim: That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager.\nMichael: That is not what Wallace told us.\nJim: That's exactly what Wallace told us.\nMichael: That is not the way I heard it.\nKelly: I love rivalries- Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answEring your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.\nMichael: It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around.\nJim: I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.\nMichael: No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. [Michael pulls out his cell phone] I will call David Wallace.\nErin: David Wallace is on line two for you guys.\nMichael: Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just-\nJim: Hey, David. You got Jim here.\nMichael: Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager.\nDavid Wallace: Hey guys, um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it.\nMichael: Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision.\nJim: Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.\nDavid Wallace: It's probably a little of both.\nMichael: Which is it more of?\nDavid Wallace: Excuse me?\nJim: David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.\nDavid Wallace: Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you- are you texting me?\nMichael: I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.\nDavid Wallace: Look, I need you both to take care of this. This is not going to be a problem, is it?\nJim: Nope, not at all.\nMichael: No, it will not be. I am on top of it.\nDavid Wallace: Very good.\nJim: Alright, thanks alot, David.\nMichael: Talk to you later- [Jim hangs up] Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. [sighs, and claps hands once] Alright, I am looking forward to this.\nJim: You don't have to lie.\nMichael: I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.\nJim: Right.\nMichael: All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.\nJim: Alright. Let's get started.\nCreed: Hey, why haven't we ever, um...\nMeredith: We have.\nMichael: You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.\nJim: Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?\nMichael: No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.\nJim: Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.\nMichael: Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?\nJim: It's hard to tell so far.\nMichael: You use your brain too much.\nJim: I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?\nMichael: Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.\nJim: You just came up with that.\nMichael: As I was saying it.\nJim: Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro- everyone gets a little bit.\nMichael: [in nerdy voice] Con- you look like a nerd.\nJim: Con- no one gets as much as they did last year.\nMichael: Pro- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.\nJim: Pro- no favoritism.\nMichael: Con- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.\nJim: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart- [pulls out a pie chart] How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.\nKevin: Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.\nPam: I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.\nKevin: Like money? Like you- you want my money?\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nKevin: Will you take a check?\nPam: Yeah.\nKevin: Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, 'To love's eternal glory.'\nPam: Okay.\nKevin: Wait til' Monday.\nPam: Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. [looks down at the check] oh look! 'Mrs. Pam Halpert!' That's the first time I've seen it in writing!\nJim: You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.\nMichael: That will not go over well.\nJim: I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...\nMichael: Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself.\nJim: I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.\nMichael: No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.\nJim: Michael.\nMichael: And then another-\nJim: Look, you have a lot of strengths.\nMichael: Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are.\nJim: I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.\nMichael: Ha! That- I am not known for that!\nJim: But there is a reason why I'm here!\nMichael: Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!\nJim: No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!\nMichael: Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?\nJim: I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!\nMichael: Ah.\nJim: At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision.\nMichael: Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!\nJim: But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.\nMichael: Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? [laughs] You call it.\nJim: [leave the conference room to address everyone]\nMichael: [to the camera] This had better be terrible.\nJim: Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.\nMeredith: Wait. Seriously?!\nJim: Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.\nOscar: Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.\nAngela: But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?\nOscar: Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.\nJim: Ooh, easy. That's not it at all.\nOscar: Well?\nJim: Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office.\nKelly: [walks in from shopping, with bags in her hands] What's going on?\nKevin: Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.\nKelly: What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?!\nOscar: Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?\nKelly: No! [put's down her bags] How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!\nDwight: This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!\nJim: Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so-\nDwight: What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?!\nOscar: Exactly!\nKevin: Totally!\nOscar: We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises.\nCreed: Yes.\nAngela: Yes. They don't get 'em, if we don't get 'em!\nMeredith: My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?!\nKevin: Yeah.\nDwight: Her kid needs shoes, Jim!\nMeredith: What the hell?! [everyone complaining at Jim]\nJim: Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so... [imitates a tape rewinding and chuckles, Michael comes over by Jim laughing]\nMichael: That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you [someone growns in disgust], and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This-\nAngela: What are you talking about Michael?\nStanley: We just need to hear your plan for our raise.\nMichael: My plan- a man- panama.\nAndy: That's not how that goes.\nMeredith: You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...\nJim: Thank you, Meredith.\nMeredith: ...when he was telling us his dumbass plan.\nOscar: We would just like to know what's happening. Are we getting a raise, yes or no?\nMichael: Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise? [all say yes] Alright, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do.\nOscar: Again, that gives us no information.\nPhyllis: This isn't a game, you know? It's our livelihood!\nMichael: What about a raise based on merit?\nJim: Rank each person individually?\nMichael: Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best.\nJim: [sarcastically] Well, obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started. [starts to write on a piece of paper]\nMichael: Are you making a-\nJim: Nope. I'm numbering the paper.\nOscar: [everyone talking to the camera] Just-\nKevin: Yeah, I don't understand how they can even consider giving money to some people and not the rest of us.\nAngela: It's not like we're not gonna see the checks. We're in accounting!\nMeredith: I am so pissed at this company!\nDwight: [out the side of his mouth] And Jim!\nMeredith: Yeah. Who said that?\nDwight: I think it was Creed.\nCreed: Yep.\nJim: [to camera] It's going really well, actually.\nJim: [to camera, holds up a bean] Each Boston Baked Bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture [walking around the table] of who you think deserv- who's that? [picture that Michael drew of toby, looks like a monster]\nMichael: Toby.\nJim: He's not a part of this. You know that.\nMichael: Just wanted to draw a picture of him.\nJim: Okay, your move.\nMichael: Alright! Who to pick? [walking around the table] Who to pick?\nJim: Here we go.\nMichael: I... will skip a turn.\nJim: Okay, you're gonna still have to play that bean. You know that.\nMichael: I need more time.\nErin: Wallace sent an e-mail about a meeting next week. He wants you both to respond. [Michael and Jim leave, Dwight sneaks in]\nDwight: People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years, because Stanley Washington was napping, and Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.\nDwight: Come on in. [everyone looking around at all the pictures and beans on the table] That's right. Come in, feast your eyes. They determine our worth by putting beans upon our faces.\nOscar: What the hell?!\nDwight: Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.\nMichael: Hey, what are you guys doing in here?\nKevin: What does a bean mean?\nPam: Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?\nKevin: Michael, what does a bean mean?\nPam: Jim?\nJim: I was just trying to be unbiased.\nKevin: What does a bean mean?!\nOscar: Someone please explain it to Kevin.\nMeredith: Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours.\nPhyllis: Not according to the beans.\nAngela: This is how you make this important decision?\nAndy: There's no way that Stanley gets more beans than me. [starts to take Stanley's beans, Stanley swats Andy's hand with his crossword puzzle] That is ridiculous. This is how it works. [everyone continues to argue]\nPhyllis: It's not so much that I might not get a raise. It's just demeaning!\nAndy: Thank you! That is exactly- by the way, I would also like a raise.\nPhyllis: Yeah, I would, too.\nDwight: Are we idiots? [gets up, starts walking around] What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist, and these are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick- let's get him. Tock- let's get Jim! Tick- and drag Jim out of his office! Tock- take his keys away from him! Tick- that's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?!\nPhyllis: I say no.\nDwight: No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? [all groan] Okay.\nMichael: [leaving his office, hurrying to Jim's office]\nKevin: What does a bean mean?\nMichael: [in Jim's office] How you doing?\nJim: Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a four.\nMichael: Oh, what are you usually?\nJim: Six. You?\nMichael: Usually a ten, but I'm feeling like a zero.\nJim: I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?\nMichael: I know, I know.\nJim: We tried to find the fairest way to do it.\nMichael: Yes, we did.\nJim: I just- what?\nMichael: Um, nothing. I just... I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. I have something I would like to give you. [leaves office]\nPhyllis: Michael!\nKevin: Michael!\nPhyllis: Come on! This isn't fair!\nJim: [to camera] Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?\nPhyllis: [at Michael return to Jim's office] Michael, you cannot just keep avoiding us like this!\nJim: [Michael give Jim a 'World's Best Boss' mug] Thank you.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nJim: What's in here?\nMichael: Gin. [toast, sip]\nJim: Ooh!\nMichael: [someone knocks] Just pretend we're not here.\nRyan: Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?\nPam: Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you.\nRyan: Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now, or $5,000 a year from now?\nPam: $100 now for sure.\nRyan: Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in a hundred of my own money as the gift...\nPam: Yeah. No, no, I'll um- the hundred. I'll just take the hundred.\nRyan: Instead of $5,000 a year from now?\nPam: How sure is this?\nPam: The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game."}
{"text": "Pam: I'm sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume... and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room?\nJim: We would really appreciate it.\nDwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.\nPam: Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy.\nPhyllis: Now this is getting ridiculous.\nDwight: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.\nMeredith: All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I'm not stopping for anyone.\nPam: I don't think I'm asking for too much. I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.\nAndy: [Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk, sniffs it and takes a bite; Pam stares at him, picks up her trash can and pukes into it] Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And... frankly so does talking about it. So... wow... [Andy, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Oscar and Angela all proceed to throw up in various places while Creed looks on eating a bowl of noodles; Dwight stares shocked; Pam wipes her mouth with a satisfied look]\nMichael: [standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding] What do you think? I spent all morning on it.\nJim: It is really special.\nPam: Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... no. It's great.\nMichael: It's just a really important day for me.\nJim: Well, congrats.\nMichael: Thanks.\nErin: Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day.\nJim: Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column.\nKevin: So... you're going to provide them, then?\nJim: No. This is a fire cracker free wedding.\nKevin: What the hell?\nDwight: Come on. You've got to be kidding me.\nPam: Ok. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.\nJim: Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended.\nAngela: Decent people everywhere will get offended.\nPam: Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned.\nAngela: Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers.\nJim: That's nice.\nPam: You know, Angela, you don't have to come to the wedding.\nAngela: Really, Pam...\nMichael: Yes she does. Yes she does. We're all gonna go and we're gonna have a good time. [hugs Angela]\nAngela: Ow! He pinched me!\nMichael: No.\nPam: Next time we're all in this room Jim and I will be married.\nDwight: We'll see.\nPam: Thank you, Dwight.\nJim: Good-bye.\nPam: See you later. [others say good-bye]\nMichael: And, hey, don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.\nAndy: What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter]\nMichael: Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.\nAndy: No... I didn't steal your joke.\nMichael: Yes. I said that yesterday.\nDwight: But you can say that about anything.\nMichael: Dwight...\nDwight: What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.\nKevin: Oh yeah.\nMichael: No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.\nDwight: It's easy. That's what I'm saying.\nMichael: This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!\nMichael: Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.\nDwight: I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.\nMichael: Get out of here.\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: Oh, my God, Dwight.\nDwight: For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.\nMichael: There's... a name.\nDwight: Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.\nMichael: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.\nDwight: Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately.\nMicheal: Ok.\nDwight: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.\nMichael: Is that all you have on her?\nDwight: Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name.\nMichael: You're an idiot.\nKevin: People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office... but I'm going ot turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair- [beeps again.] Ok. Ok. I'm going. [long beep] God.\nAndy: [in Andy's car, Andy driving] Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It's like a five hour drive-ish, you know.\nKelly: This is so much cooler. We feel like wer're in a limo and you're our driver.\nAndy: Mmm-hmm. Erin?\nErin: Oh no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in back.\nAndy: Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smell's like my mom.\nPam: [in car] Hey, my aunt told me something neat.\nJim: Yeah?\nPam: She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.\nJim: Oh, wow. That's cool.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.\nPam: Oh.\nJim: Lousy Picture.\nPam: We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.\nMichael: [in car, Michael driving] Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep.\nDwight: What? No way!\nMichael: Those glasses are super dark.\nDwight: Oh. God.\nMichael: Alright. We need some tunes, I think.\nDwight: You know what? I made you a cd...\nMichael: You did?\nDwight: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: That was nice of you.\nDwight: This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.\nMichael: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.\nDwight: You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the cd] 'Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of you're night in heaven-' [Michael turns off cd]\nMichael: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?\nDwight: Yeah. It's practical.\nMichael: No. No. That's not how it works.\nJim: Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun.\nFront Desk Clerk: Halpert...\nJim: And Beesly. Tonight we're in two seperate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.\nFront Desk Clerk: Great.\nJim: I know. We're pretty excited, too.\nPam: Can we take a look at the suite now?\nFront Desk Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.\nPam: Oh... is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?\nFront Desk Clerk: Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there.\nAndy: Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs]\nJim: I don't like that.\nPam: I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.\nMichael: Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott.\nFront Desk Clerk: One moment while I check.\nDwight: The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.\nMichael: Mmm-hmm.\nFront Desk Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation?\nMichael: I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms.\nFront Desk Clerk: Oh, ok. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I'm afraid we're all sold out.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745.\nFront Desk Clerk: Yes. Schrute.\nDwight: And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes?\nFront Desk Clerk: Sure. No problem.\nDwight: Ok.\nFront Desk Clerk: Here's your key, Mr. Schrute.\nMichael: Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room.\nDwight: No way. What if I meet someone?\nMichael: I'm staying in your- Come on, Dwight.\nDwight: No. No.\nMichael: I would do the same for you.\nDwight: You would?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Really?\nMichael: Yes... just go-\nDwight: Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours.\nMichael: Oh. Thank God.\nDwight: Oh no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you?\nMichael: Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can't. And I'll tell you why.\nDwight: Please?\nMichael: If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay.\nDwight: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: Ok.\nDwight: Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha! [rips reservation out of Michael's hand] That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me.\nMichael: I don't have a room?\nDwight: No you do not.\nMichael: Ok. 'Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.'\nDwight: It worked.\nMichael: Jerk.\nMichael: When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.\nStanley: Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.\nMichael: Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?\nStanley: Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me.\nMichael: Not in the same bed. In the other bed.\nStanley: I got one queen size bed.\nMichael: You... are... kidding me.\nStanley: A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael.\nMichael: I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?\nErin: Oh. Gross.\nKelly: Blow my brains out.\nMichael: That's rude.\nToby: Michael, I have one extra twin bed, if you want.\nMichael: You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it.\nMr. Halpert: So, which one is Pam's grandma?\nPam: Oh, Mema? She's the one in the teal suit. She's the only 80 year old with no smile wrinkles.\nJim: Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right?\nMr. Halpert: No.\nMichael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word.\nJim: Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott.\nMr. Halpert: Oh.\nMichael: How ya doin'?\nMr. Halpert: Hi.\nMichael: Nice to meet you.\nMr. Halpert: Nice to meet you.\nMichael: Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and-\nJim: Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think.\nMichael: [talking quietly, trying not to move his lips]That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives.\nJim: Pretty sure everyone heard that.\nMichael: Didn't move my lips.\nPam: Hey, Mema.\nMema: I wasn't sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.\nPam: Oh. Thank you... but nobody's perfect.\nMema: Well... I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.\nJim: Mr. Beesly. How are ya?\nMr. Beesly: I'd like you to meet Christy Kelly.\nJim: Oh. Is this, uh, is this your niece?\nMr. Beesly: [laughs] No no. She's my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table?\nDwight: From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report.\nLittle Girl: Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter?\nDwight: Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim... the bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt.\nKids: Ewwww!\nDwight: That's right. It is ew. It is very ew.\nPam: Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor.\nOscar: Pleased to meet you.\nPenny: I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil?\nKevin: She thought I was your boyfriend.\nOscar: You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?\nPam: Oscar, it was an honest mistake.\nOscar: Him? Him?\nKevin: Oscar, I would be proud to date you.\nPenny: I'm sorry.\nKevin: I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.\nPenny: Nice to meet you, Kevin.\nKevin: Yes.\nOscar: You owe me and apology.\nPenny: I'm so sorry.\nKevin: Are you seeing anyone right now?\nPam: She has a boyfriend. He's out of town.\nKevin: Cool.\nRyan: [to a girl sitting next to him] I was the youngest VP in the company history.\nMeredith: More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories.\nRyan: Um... also-\nAndy: How did Meredith get put at the young people's table?\nKevin: She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin.\nAndy: What? You're kid- That's- You're-\nIsabel: Jim and Pam, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.\nMichael: Head table, where I belong.\nDwight: It's just for family.\nMichael: Well, who's that one?\nDwight: Isabel Poreba. Oh, I've got stuff on her. [laughs] In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2.\nMichael: What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?\nDwight: That's a very good record.\nPete: Alright, so I'll be like, 'You're so sweet guys and so kind'.\nTom: That's when I'll do the face, like-\nPete: Like, 'What? What?'. And then we'll just give him a little punch in the back and-\nTom: A noogie?\nPete: You know what? Never too married for a noogie.\nMichael: They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.\nTom: Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine.\nPete: Smoking.\nTom: Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch.\nPete: A little mo' cardio.\nMichael: That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.\nDwight: Knight Rider.\nMichael: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.\nDwight: No.\nMichael: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. [no one is laughing]\nDwight: Very smart.\nMichael: And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.\nJim: No.\nMichael: Yeah. Go ahead.\nJim: Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming.\nPete: Douche.\nJim: Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight... especially the Flordia cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do... which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photo copy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?\nPam: Like... a year.\nJim: I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So... I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses-\nMema: What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?\nJim: Pam can't drink? I didn't- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I- no. What we want- the real reason is that, that Pam's pregnant.\nMichael: [clears throat] Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex-\nMema: They were living together?\nMichael: Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.\nJim: Michael.\nMichael: When you c- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.\nJim: Oh, my God. Please.\nMichael: When you use something to block- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman-\nPam: Michael.\nMichael: ...but it's different for the- ok. Ok.\nPam: Michael. Stop.\nMichael: Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word.\nJim: Alright.\nMichael: Jim.\nJim: To waiting.\nEveryone: [quiet and scattered] To waiting.\nMema: I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called 'Bruno' last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, 'How could they pick such a hotel?' Hmmm. Now I know.\nPam: Mema.\nMichael: That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it.\nJim: I can't believe it was me.\nMichael: I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.\nJim: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?\nMichael: I have not found that to be the case.\nPam: Hey, smooth guys.\nJim: I'm so sorry.\nMichael: Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.\nPam: Mema's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.\nJim: Oh, my God. Are you serious?\nMichael: There's gonna be a free room?\nMichael: Hi, Mema. It's Michael.\nMema: Oh. You're that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse.\nMichael: Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?\nMichael: I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma... and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.\nMema: I want to go to bed but I can't. I can't turn that television off.\nMichael: Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up, there. [turns off tv]\nMema: Oh. Thank you.\nMichael: You're welcome.\nMema: It was that horrible Charlie Rose.\nMichael: Oh. Isn't he terrible? May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That's part of life.\nMema: People are like cats and dogs these days.\nMichael: Exactly.\nMema: This used to be such a great country.\nMichael: I know.\nMema: I don't know what happened to it.\nMichael: They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Mema.\nMema: You mean, Sylvia.\nMichael: Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.\nAndy: Partay. Room 639.\nKevin: Yes!\nAndy: Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models.\nKevin: That sounds epic. Can we bring anything?\nAndy: Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. 'Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo!\nAndy: No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down.\nAndy: If I was girl, I would seriously reconsdier coming to this party. But don't tell anyone that I said that, 'cause I want them to come.\nAngela: And where do you think you're going?\nPam: I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.\nAngela: Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead?\nPam: I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.\nAngela: Mmm-hmm. Ok. I'll go with you. Come on.\nPam: [sighs] Nevermind.\nAngela: Are you sure?\nPam: Yeah.\nAngela: It'll be fun.\nPam: No.\nMichael: What are you wearing?\nDwight: What? It's a casual, social outfit.\nMichael: Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.\nDwight: No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex.\nMichael: Ok. [Dwight howls] That's not appropriate. [Dwight continues howling] Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl] Ok. Ok. Come on. Let's go. [both howl as they exit]\nKevin: It's a good idea.\nOscar: It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.\nKevin: Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.\nDwight: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.\nMichael: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.\nIsabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?\nDwight: Nine and three-quarters.\nDwight: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, 'No'.\nMichael: [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.\nDwight: Michael.\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Drop this one. Abort.\nMichael: Why?\nDwight: I found twins.\nMichael: Oh, my God. Twins. I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you.\nDwight: Aren't they magnificent?\nMichael: They're men, Dwight.\nDwight: I love finding a good set of twins.\nMichael: Something is wrong with you.\nErin: [everyone is dancing] Go Meredith. Nice moves.\nAndy: You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, ok? Like this.\nKelly: Lame! What else you got, Andy?\nAndy: How about a little bit of this.\nErin: Oh yeah. What else you got?\nKevin: What else you got?\nAndy: Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams out in pain]\nErin: What else you got?\nKevin: It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Pam's here. [knocks on Pam's door] Pam? [knocks again]\nAndy: I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket.\nPam: What?\nAndy: I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.\nPam: Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours.\nAndy: Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here.\nPam: [on the phone] Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital?\nJim: [over phone] What?\nPam: He tore his scrotum dancing.\nJim: [over phone] What?\nPam: He is in my room icing his balls.\nJim: [over phone] What?\nPam: Please stop saying what. Can you take him?\nJim: Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted.\nPam: Your brothers took you out drinking?\nJim: Uh...\nMichael: [over phone] Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly.\nPam: That's Michael. You're out with Michael?\nJim: [over phone] And Dwight.\nDwight: [over phone] Hey-O!\nJim: Pam, it just happened.\nPam: Okay, fine. I'll take him.\nJim: I love you. Okay, I gotta-I gotta go!\nMichael: [over phone] I love you! [laughs]\nPam: Are you pushing me off the phone?\nJim: No. Let's talk for a long time.\nPam: Goodbye. [hangs up phone]\nMichael: Mmm! It's after midnight. [points at Jim]\nMichael and Dwight: You're married. [hugs Jim] He's married!\nDwight: Congratulations.\nJim: That's not how that works.\nDwight: Oh my goodness.\nMichael: Oh my God. You're not going to be able to talk back.\nDwight: You'll have Pam to answer to.\nMichael: She'll be sitting home saying, 'Jim... take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons.' [Dwight laughs] 'And... and clip my toenails.'\nDwight: Jim... hey why don't you braid my hair. I want to watch TV.'\nMichael: Now you sound like Kermit.\nAndy: Are you sure this is the right way?\nPam: Nope. I, like you, have never been here before.\nAndy: Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum.\nPam: Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split when you've never done one before.\nAndy: I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so-\nPam: My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job.\nAndy: Well it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so-\nAndy: [Pam swerves the car back and forth] Ow, ow!\nAndy: [snickers] I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.\nPam: Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?\nAndy: No. No that was real.\nMichael: [folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket] Why don't you take a picture. It'll last longer. God. Can't I get a little privacy?\nHotel Employee: [Kevin rings bell at the front desk] Good morning. How can I help you?\nKevin: I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet.\nHotel Employee: You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.\nKevin: Thank you.\nHotel Employee: [whispers to manager] Sir. It's the man with the shoes.\nHotel Manager: Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone.\nKevin: They were stolen?\nHotel Manager: No. Destroyed.\nKevin: What?\nHotel Manager: The bag was opened by our shoe shine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.\nKevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.\nHotel Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.\nKevin: Well... well damn-it.\nHotel Employee: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.\nKevin: Okay.\nDwight: [walking out of hotel room with a woman] You have everything?\nIsabel: Hmm-hmm.\nDwight: Cell phone? Charger?\nIsabel: Yeah. So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day.\nDwight: It really is. I'm not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you Isabel.\nIsabel: That's really sweet, Dwight. So I'll see you at the wedding?\nDwight: You know it.\nIsabel: K. [they kiss]\nDwight: Okay, get out of here.\nIsabel: Bye.\nDwight: Okay.\nMichael: [passes Isabel] Hey, good morning. [to Dwight] It's about damn time. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. [walks into hotel room] Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit.\nDwight: [lays on bed] Really? I hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots.\nMichael: [watching Dwight eat breakfast] How can you eat like that?\nDwight: I'm ravenous after a night of love making. You?\nMichael: Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself.\nDwight: Hey, what was she like?\nMichael: She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger.\nDwight: Brides side or grooms side? Or townie?\nMichael: She was from Europe.\nDwight: No kidding.\nMichael: Uh-huh.\nDwight: I bet she had hairy armpits.\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere.\nMichael: Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me?\nDwight: No.\nMichael: She's Pam's best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe?\nDwight: Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth.\nMichael: No... you're crazy.\nDwight: Look. She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass.\nMichael: She's- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in. It- it-\nDwight: You should ask her out.\nMichael: [stands up and walks away] I already have my European girlfriend.\nStanley: If your hat hits me in the face one more time-\nPhyllis: That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. [glares at Stanley's date]\nAngela: [sees Kevin's toupee] Oh my God.\nOscar: Oh...\nKevin: Oscar. Angela.\nErin: Are you in a lot of pain?\nAndy: Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um-I just have that side to me.\nErin: People say you cry all the time.\nAndy: Well that's not-\nMeredith: Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me.\nAndy: I wasn't telling you.\nMeredith: Is there still something there?\nAndy: Excuse me?\nMeredith: It didn't get torn off?\nAndy: No, it didn't-nothing got torn off. Who told you that?\nJim: I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married.\nErin: If you want to sit on this- [hands Andy her wrap] I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer.\nAndy: It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you.\nMichael: Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so- how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. [holds up painting] And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.\nDwight: I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs.\nPenny: Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby.\nPam: Thank you weirdo.\nPam's mom: everybody see Kristie's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom.\nPam: Okay, here I come. [walks out in her wedding dress]\nPam's mom: Oh darling! You look beautiful.\nPam: Thanks mom.\nPam's mom: Oh, I hope he deserves you.\nPam: He does.\nPam's mom: Are you sure? Remember you don't have to do this. You don't.\nPenny: Mom, you're totally projecting. You're being a drag.\nPam: Yes. Thank you, mom.\nIsabel: Hey, I'm going to go outside and talk to Dwight.\nPam: Okay great. [Isabel kisses her cheek] Yeah, I'll see you in a second. [pauses] Wait, what? [tries to follow, but veil gets caught on wall and tears] Oh! Oh no!\nJim: [answers cell phone] Hey!\nPam: Can you come here please?\nJim: Is this allowed?\nPam: No. No, but I'm allowing it. Just come here.\nDwight: [talking to a woman] That was an intelligent comment.\nIsabel: Hello stranger. How do I look?\nDwight: Oh. Fine. Isabel, [holds out hand] nice to see you. What do you want?\nIsabel: Um... [shakes head] nothing. Anymore.\nDwight: [turns back to other woman] So, uh tell me again the difference between Filene's and Filene's basement.\nMichael: [to Isabel] Hey, hey... He's not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy?\nIsabel: I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid.\nMichael: Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid. Where am I gonna go?\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Wow. You look-\nPam: Terrible.\nJim: So beautiful. [Pam's starts to cry. Jim pulls up chair to sit next to her] Hey-\nPam: My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels-\nJim: [takes her hand] Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty.\nPam: [sighs] Thank you.\nJim: And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right?\nPam: No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and- [Jim cuts off half his tie]\nJim: There. Now we're even. [Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture, they kiss]\nPam: [sighs] Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. [Jim chuckles] And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend. [sighs] This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people?\nPhyllis: I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife.\nAngela: Yes.\nOscar: [to Kevin who is bouncing up and down] What are you doing?\nKevin: I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.\nOscar: How long do you take to pee?\nKevin: The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.\nMichael: [to Pam's mom] Hey. Hi. Do you-would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have-\nPam's mom: Oh, yeah-[hands Michael a snack]\nMichael: Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or-\nPam's mom: No.\nMichael: Oh... okay. Were you saving it?\nPam's mom: Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just-I've had a very rough weekend.\nMichael: I'm sorry. [puts food in his mouth] Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.\nErin: Do you think they canceled the wedding?\nAngela: Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party.\nMichael: my weekend was bad so far.\nPam's mom: Oh-\nMichael: I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm.\nPam's mom: Oh that sounds awful.\nMichael: And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else.\nPam's mom: Oh-\nMichael: It is a terrible year for love.\nPam's mom: Yeah. Guess it is.\nMichael: I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen.\nTom Halpert: Excuse me, are you Michael Scott?\nMichel: Um, yeah.\nTom: Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.\nPete Halpert: Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back.\nMichael: Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. [pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them] There you go. Use it in good health.\nTom and Pete: [laughing] Yes!\nMeredith: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing?\nStanley: Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?\nKevin: Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs?\nStanley: No.\nKevin: Who would want it?\nOscar: Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes.\nDwight: Toby.\nToby: What?\nDwight: I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour.\nToby: [sighs]\nDwight: [looks over and sees hole in his present] Crap. [sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up] Come here you.\nToby: Well I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them. [Jim and Pam walk in laughing]\nPam's dad: Hey. What happened?\nRyan: Where were you guys? Do you know how long I've been waiting here?\nJim: Well we are here now, so let's just-\nMichael: [walks up] Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look?\nJim: You look great.\nPam: You look great.\nTom: [looks at Jim's cut tie] Wear a tie much?\nPenny: [music starts playing and people start dancing down the isle] I begged them not to.\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nPenny: I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list.\nPam: Yes I did.\nPenny: I'm sorry.\nPam: [smiles] Go ahead. I think it's your turn.\nPenny: Wait, what happened? You're okay with this?\nPam: Yeah, I'm okay.\nPenny: Okay then! [takes flower girl to dance down the isle]\nMichael: Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube.\nPam: Saw it.\nJim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.\nKevin: What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Whoo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel."}
{"text": "Michael: The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. 'Mental' is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.\nToby: Well the 'fun' is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.]\nMichael: Get out.\nToby: [halfway out] Yeah, I know.\nMichael: Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need 'small talk.' What topics can you use for small talk?\nAndy: Golf.\nMichael: Mmhm.\nAndy: Stock market.\nMichael: Mmhm.\nAndy: Dave Matthews.\nMichael: Yes, what else?\nCreed: Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes...\nMichael: No.\nMeredith: The weekend!\nMichael: Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, 'So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?'\nMeredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.\nMichael: All right...\nMeredith: He calls it an upper decker.\nMichael: Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.\nRyan: Then do it.\nMichael: What?\nRyan: Write a book.\nMichael: [into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman...\nErin: [Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.\nMichael: Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?\nErin: In your schedule it just says nine til noon is 'creative space' and I thought this could be part of that.\nMichael: Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.\nErin: You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says 'free play.'\nMichael: Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made.\nGrotti: Ah.\nMichael: Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.\nGrotti: As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride.\nMichael: Mmhm.\nGrotti: But you also got a lot of responsibility\nMichael: Yep.\nGrotti: None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.\nKevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.\nAndy: What do you think?\nDwight: I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.\nGrotti: God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse.\nMichael: Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.\nGrotti: Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury.\nMichael: Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.\nGrotti: You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.\nMichael: Okay, well.\nGrotti: I can be very very persistent.\nMichael: Do your worst. [they shake hands]\nMichael: [Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great.\nGrotti: Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?\nMichael: Mmhm.\nAndy: What happened in there?\nMichael: Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.\nDwight: Did he threaten you?\nMichael: No Dwight, not everything is a threat.\nAndy: Mobsters are!\nMichael: There is no such things as monsters.\nAndy: He drives an SUV!\nDwight: I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.\nOscar: Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?\nDwight: No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.\nMichael: Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.\nAndy: All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.\nOscar: For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.\nMichael: I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.\nAndy: Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!\nDwight: Exactly.\nMichael: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.\nOscar: Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around]\nOscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between 'sane and others.' Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The 'coalition for reason' is extremely weak.\nToby: Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head]\nMichael: [over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?\nRyan: Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'\nMichael: Okay.\nRyan: What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?\nMichael: Um it is, Grotti.\nAndy and Dwight: [groans] Oh no. Fabulous.\nOscar: What? What?\nAndy: It's John Gotti, you idiot!\nOscar: It's, it's a completely different name!\nPhyllis: So he won't get caught!\nAndy: Yeah. It's pretty close.\nOscar: No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.\nDwight: No I disagree. 'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder.' And not 'muck-duck.'\nMichael: Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.\nDwight: Lock your door!\nMichael: I'm not gonna lock my door. [door closes. Then clicks locked]\nJim: Hello?\nOscar: Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.\nJim: Oscar! Uh, what is going on?\nOscar: It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this.\nJim: Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-\nPam: Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon.\nOscar: Pam, I'm sorry-\nPam: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.\nOscar: You're right. You're right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye.\nMichael: It's Grotti. He's following up.\nAndy: Already? This, this guy is persistent!\nMichael: [reads email] 'I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.'\nDwight: That's bad.\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: That's bad.\nMichael: Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?\nAndy: Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.\nMichael: Okay, I'm calling the police.\nAndy: [hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!\nDwight: He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.\nMichael: All right.\nAndy: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!\nMichael: Shh!\nDwight: You know what?\nMichael: That's not gonna happen.\nDwight: That's an exaggeration.\nAndy: That's how it works!\nMichael: What am I supposed to do here?\nAndy: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back\nMichael: I was thinking exactly the same thing.\nDwight: No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat.\nAndy: Dwight...\nDwight: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.\nMichael: I don't know, I don't know about that.\nAndy: Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting.\nDwight: Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent.\nAndy: Okay.\nDwight: Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.\nAndy: [snaps fingers] I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.\nMichael: Hold on, hold on! Just-\nAndy: No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.\nMichael: All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone.\nAndy: Well you're gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight: We'll be right beside you.\nAndy: What?\nMichael: [Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat?\nAndy: Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.\nDwight: Do you know how to use it?\nAndy: To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it.\nMichael: Let's go, come on. [whispers] God!\nAndy: Should I change?\nDwight: You're wearing loafers!\nMichael: Forget it! Forget it!\nMichael: [Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!\nAndy: Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it.\nDwight: Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.\nAndy: Oh! God! [smacks roaches]\nMichael: Oh my God!\nDwight: You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-\nMichael: Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.\nMichael: Hello.\nGrotti: Mr. Scott.\nMichael: Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.\nGrotti: Hi. Angelo Grotti.\nAndy: Hi.\nDwight: Hello.\nGrotti: So, you got this table?\nMichael: Yes.\nGrotti: This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing.\nMichael: Well.\nGrotti: Waitress, we're gonna sit over here.\nWaitress: That's fine.\nMichael: Okay.\nKevin: [answers phone] Hello.\nCredit card rep: Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.\nKevin: Oh man, do you think it was stolen?\nRep: First would you mind verifying your home address?\nKevin: Um, yes. [looks at Jim's pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA\nRep: And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?\nKevin: Six-six-five-zero.\nRep: Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.\nKevin: Wait a minute. Yes I am.\nRep: I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.\nKevin: No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.\nRep: Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away.\nKevin: No-\nRep: Have a nice day, and thank you!\nKevin: Shoot.\nGrotti: If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy.\nDwight: Oh he's not that nice.\nMichael: That's not true.\nAndy: Hmm. Very true.\nMichael: Okay shut up.\nWaitress: Have you decided?\nGrotti: Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.\nWaitress: Okay then. And for you sir?\nMichael: I will have the gabba-gool.\nWaitress: The... what?\nMichael: The gabba-gool.\nWaitress: I don't really know what that is.\nAndy: [with Soprano's inflection] You know, gabba-gool.\nMichael: I don't, I don't have to have that.\nDwight: What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool.\nMichael: Guys, guys-\nWaitress: I don't really think that we have that.\nMichael: That's okay.\nDwight: Bring him the gabba-gool!\nMichael: Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad.\nWaitress: Okay.\nMichael: If the salad is on top, I send it back.\nOscar: Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?\nKevin: I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone.\nOscar: This constitutes identity fraud.\nKevin: Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you.\nOscar: What's that supposed to mean?\nKevin: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail.\nOscar: Why would I love jail?\nKevin: Because... You would love it.\nMichael: I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.\nGrotti: Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.\nAndy: Maybe we have a plan for you?\nGrotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it.\nWoman: [approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?\nAndy: Yeeeeah.\nWoman: My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?\nAndy: Yes I can.\nMichael: No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad.\nGrotti: Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!\nAndy: Okay!\nWoman: Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.\nMichael: Hey, do you need any help?\nGrotti: I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down.\nMichael: He's a good mechanic.\nGrotti: Where were we?\nMichael: I don't...\nDwight: He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.\nMichael: Okay, okay okay.\nDwight: So we're choosing...\nMichael: Yep, all right.\nDwight: Check out Dental?\nMichael: Put it down.\nAndy: Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down.\nKid: He seems bad at this.\nAndy: You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube.\nWoman: What?!?\nAndy: So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated]\nGrotti: Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] You okay, Pat?\nAndy: Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of.\nGrotti: Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?\nAndy: It was before, my tech- my technical training.\nDwight: Don't do it!\nAndy: Do it.\nDwight: Don't.\nAndy: Just do it.\nMichael: Okay.\nGrotti: Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?\nMichael: It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.\nAndy: You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you.\nMichael: I had to make a snap decision Dwight.\nDwight: It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.\nMichael: It was a lot of snap decisions.\nDwight: Do you know what 'snap decision' means?\nMichael: Yes!\nDwight: It means like this. [snaps fingers]\nMichael: Just get in the car.\nJim: Hello?\nMichael: Jim?\nJim: Michael?\nMichael: Oh thank God.\nJim: How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran.\nMichael: It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.\nJim: That sounds bad.\nMichael: Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend.\nJim: I'm gonna help you through it all right?\nMichael: Okay!\nJim: All you're gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and- it- and then go to-\nMichael: Jim? Are you?\nJim: And then you'll be saved.\nMichael: What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.\nJim: Just [drops] and then you'll be saved.\nMichael: No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!\nJim: A- ah-\nMichael: No! Oh my God!\nJim: And you'll be saved.\nMichael: No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!\nJim: I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again.\nMichael: Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God.\nMichael: Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?\nOscar: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.\nMichael: Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?\nOscar: Just- no. No.\nMichael: All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.\nDwight: We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault.\nAndy: He's alive. So you're welcome.\nDwight: Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.\nAndy: Yeah, some of that existed before.\nDwight: Not the living in fear, that's new.\nAndy: You're right, that is new.\nDwight: Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.\nAndy: Well I don't see that happening.\nDwight: Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?\nAndy: Are you saying-\nDwight: Yeah...\nAndy: That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?\nDwight: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!\nAndy: That seems a little far-fetched.\nDwight: Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.\nDwight: Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.\nMichael: No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.\nAndy: No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.\nDwight: It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.\nAndy: Class act. Boy scout.\nMichael: But Grotti acts like he's mafia though.\nAndy: He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman.\nDwight: And he made us all look like chumps!\nMichael: [grunts]\nMichael: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.\nGrotti: This is Grotti.\nMichael: This is Scott.\nGrotti: Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now.\nMichael: Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?\nGrotti: I, I thought you'd be pleased.\nMichael: Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd.\nGrotti: What?\nMichael: I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.\nGrotti: I don't get it. How was I scaring you?\nMichael: I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.\nAndy: Whoa. Okay.\nMichael: You suck!\nDwight: Okay that's-\nMichael: And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance.\nDwight: That's good, let's wrap it up.\nMichael: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?\nGrotti: Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?\nMichael: Doubt it. [disconnects call]\nDwight and Andy: [relaxing] Oh man.\nMichael: What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?\nAndy: Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!\nMichael: No. What do you mean?\nDwight: We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: You successfully backed down the mob!\nAndy: You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!\nMichael: Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not.\nMichael: So I looked him in the eye and I said, 'Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead.' I said something like that.\nDwight: Very close.\nOscar: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.\nMichael: Erin?\nErin: Yes?\nMichael: Coffee?\nErin: Okay.\nMichael: Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back.\nErin: Okay.\nMichael: Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back.\nErin: How do you return coffee?\nMichael: Go. Any questions?\nPam: [on phone] Are you kidding me?\nKevin: Hi Pam, is Jim there?\nPam: Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!\nKevin: Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi.\nPam: Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.\nKevin: Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye.\nKevin: They have no idea what happened."}
{"text": "Erin: They're back!\nKevin: Oooh yeah... [people chuckle] Jim and Pam!\nKelly: How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?\nJim: It was.\nPam: It really was.\nJim: Really was.\nKelly: [voice cracks] I'm so happy for you...\nJim: Puerto Rico was awesome.\nPam: Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot.\nJim: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans. [laughs] Always makes her laugh.\nPam: [goofy voice] Frank and beans!\nMichael: Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there?\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: Is someone there? I can't see you because I'm blind.\nDwight: Its Jim and Pam, Michael.\nMichael: [gasps] It is?\nDwight: Yeah...\nMichael: They're back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! [reaching out with hands at chest level]\nJim: Nope.\nMichael: And oh, Jim...\nPam: Hi, Michael.\nMichael: Oh, I haven't see you since my accident that I had when I fell- I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy.\nMichael: Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him. [groans]\nMeredith: So what'd you bring us?\nPam: Some candy.\nMeredith: What else?\nPam: That's it.\nMeredith: Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding.\nMichael: [behind Pam, acting out blind-guy, groaning]\nPam: It's good to be home.\nDwight: This conversation has two items on the agenda.\nJim: Do we have a conversation scheduled?\nDwight: Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two... I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... [high voice, holding up wooden mallard] con-quack-ulations!\nJim: Wow, that's... really thoughtful of you, Dwight, thank you.\nDwight: [duck voice] You're welcome! [quacks, laughs]\nDwight: I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.\nDwight: I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.\nJim: It's a real handsome duck.\nDwight: Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.\nPam: Hey!\nErin: Hi!\nPam: Uh, we brought back some Puerto Rican candy.\nErin: Coco Leche! That's my favorite!\nPam: Awesome! I'll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it.\nErin: Oh, um, let me just check with Michael first.\nPam: [laughs] I think it'll be okay.\nErin: [laughs] I think it will too, but I'll just check with him, though.\nPam: Great.\nErin: Oops, sorry. [slides candy back to Pam] Oops.\nMichael: I have recently taken a lover.\nJim: Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?\nMichael: Pam's mom.\nJim: What?\nMichael: Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?\nJim: You're messing with me.\nMichael: About what?\nJim: You did not have sex with Pam's mom.\nMichael: Oh, big time.\nJim: What kind of car does she drive?\nMichael: She drives a green camry.\nJim: [expletive]\nMichael: And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.\nJim: Oh my God. [Michael bangs the table] Oh my God.\nMichael: [laughs] What?\nJim: Okay, never tell Pam, and secondly-\nMichael: Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright?\nJim: Oh my God.\nToby: [walks in] Hey, Jim.\nJim: Not now, Toby, my God!\nToby: Oh, Jesus!\nMichael: Get the hell out of here, idiot.\nToby: What did I do?\nJim: Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again.\nMichael: I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.\nJim: No, not more than anything.\nMichael: Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-\nJim: Don't call her 'the mom.'\nMichael: She's right on my way home from work.\nJim: Then take a different way home, man!\nMichael: I di- alright, I'll take surface streets, its- the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam.\nJim: Okay, so we're good.\nMichael: Yeah.\nMichael: Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?\nErin: Sure. Oh, is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico?\nMichael: Sure. Thanks for asking.\nErin: Pam, we're all set. [Pam places candy on Erin's desk] Yum.\nJim: Frank and beans!\nPam: Frank and beans! [both laugh] So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?\nJim: You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?\nPam: Bottle of rum it is. [takes package out of bag] Alright, shall we?\nJim: You know what, I am really slammed, trying to catch up on everything here and I know that Michael's slammed too. So, maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy.\nPam: Come on, it'll take two seconds.\nJim: No, it- [high-pitched feedback as Jim starts to leave, feedback changes as he moves, turns over the mallard to see the listening devics, sighs, places mallard back on the desk]\nMichael: [unwraps rum gift] Oh, wow.\nPam: [giggles]\nMichael: That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.\nErin: Michael, you're all set at Botticelli's. I changed the reservation to two people.\nMichael: Erin, look. [holds up parrot rum bottle]\nErin: Fun!\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: Wow, Botticelli's, that sounds like a special occasion.\nMichael: Yeah, no, it's nobody.\nPam: [laughs] I don't know. I think Michael has a date.\nMichael: [chuckles] Hmm... no.\nPam: [laughs] I think you have a date.\nMichael: I don't.\nPam: Come on.\nJim: Uh, I think we should just drop it... 'cause obviously he doesn't want to talk about it.\nMichael: [sighs] I don't deserve this, guys.\nJim: Yes, you do.\nMichael: No, I don't.\nJim: Just take the parrot.\nMichael: [long exhale]\nJim: Okay, back to the old grind.\nMichael: I was probably going to break up with her anyway.\nPam: Oh, that's too bad.\nJim: Don't-\nMichael: Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here.\nJim: Sounds complicated.\nMichael: It is.\nPam: Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes.\nMichael: You want me to be happy?\nPam: Of course.\nMichael: Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine.\nPam: Oh.\nMichael: More than a friend, a co-worker.\nPam: Oh! Gossip, who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? ...Who?\nMichael: It's okay.\nPam: No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo!\nMichael: That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.\nPam: [screams out in the parking lot, Michael watches from his office window]\nDwight: [to Michael] You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...\nMichael: [sighs] Feels good.\nDwight: There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...\nMichael: I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.\nDwight: ...the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.\nPam: [outside, on cell phone] How could you do this to me? He's my boss! How many times have I complained about him to you? No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!\nJim: [singsong voice] Who wants a hot chocolate?\nPam: Thank you.\nJim: [sighs] Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I played it just right I can get Dwight to play out the plot of National Treasure.\nPam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.\nJim: Andy, can I talk to you for a second?\nAndy: Sure thing, Tuna Boss.\nJim: [holding up a sign that reads, 'Dwight picked the wrong day to put a wooden mallard in my office']\nAndy: [in Jim's office] How may I be of service to you?\nJim: I am gonna need your advice [starts playing loud opera music, everyone can hear it, Creed starts crying] I was thinking about getting this opera for Dwight's birthday, what do you think?\nAndy: [both look at Dwight, Jim waves] This aurea is a joke.\nJim: Really?\nAndy: What are you thinking?\nJim: I was gonna go with this one.\nAndy: [both look at Dwight who is standing right outside the office] Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.\nDwight: [Andy gets up and leaves the office] The Nard Dog... what was that all about?\nAndy: I know, right?\nDwight: What were you talking about in there?\nAndy: Trust me it would only make you mad. [opera continues, Dwight looks at Jim standing outside his office, waves, Jim waves back]\nMichael: [in the conference room leading a meeting] Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.\nAndy: Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?\nMichael: That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.\nPam: Haha! Ha ha ha.\nJim: And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice. [everyone claps and makes comments]\nMichael: Who wants to help the world one step at a time? [Dwight raises his hand] Alright, good.\nDwight: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.\nMichael: Alright, that's...\nMeredith: Paint a mural of Chicano leaders.\nMichael: Alright...\nPam: I have a way to make Scranton a better place, you could leave it. [laughter]\nMichael: Okay, I'm out of here, [pretends to leave] see you later guys...\nVarious: Get out and stay out, bye...\nMichael: Ok, oh no here's an idea... conservation...\nPam: I love it, conservation. Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. [stands up and cheers] No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! [Stanley cheers her on in the background]\nMichael: Anybody else? Who else has an idea?\nAngela: I have some ideas about conservation...\nJim: Yes! Angela! Please...\nMichael: [Michael leaves to answer his phone] Can you hold down the fort? [on phone] Hey boo!\nAngela: Thank you. Sure well first of all I think that we could totally...\nMichael: [on phone] What's it... why are you crying?\nJim: Yes! I think we should look into that. If you could just speak up louder...\nKevin: [to Angela] Shhhh...\nAngela: Well, for our profit...\nKevin: [to Angela] Shhh...\nMichael: [on phone] No, no, no, I'll talk to her. I will... No... nobody talks to my baby that way... uh ah... yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. Alright, by pickle.\nKevin: Who's pickle?\nMichael: [hangs up phone and walks back into conference room] Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now.\nAngela: I'm sorry, I was told I had the floor.\nJim: Yes.\nOscar: Hold on, hold on, what's going on?\nJim: Nothing... nothing at all... it's all good!\nPam: I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology.\nMichael: For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?\nPam: Don't call my mother your lover.\nKevin: Yes! That's what I'm talking about.\nAndy: That is not okay dude.\nMichael: Alright, in my defense...\nPhyllis: Disgusting...\nCreed: She's messed up man...\nPam: Yes! Thank you, welcome to my personal hell!\nOscar: You have no sense of boundaries Michael.\nMichael: Shut up Oscar. Hey, alright, you know what, clearly I'm outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please? What is so wrong about me? I'm caring, I'm generous, I'm sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness.\nPhyllis: Good luck Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for.\nOscar: Maybe you're right, who are we to...\nPam: Shut up Oscar. What is wrong with all of you, he is sleeping with my mother!\nDwight: I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.\nMichael: Let's get back to the matter at hand.\nPam: Whatever, you know, sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody's mom...\nMichael: No, no, no... no, no...\nRyan: Whoa, that's my mother you're talking about...\nMichael: I don't like the tone here... this is a place of business, you are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.\nPam: Uhh, huh, ho... oooh my God, you are ridiculous!\nMichael: Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.\nPam: You are never going to be my father, you get out!\nMichael: I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am...\nPam: Me too...\nPam: Hey. [walks up to Oscar and hands him a report to sign]\nOscar: Hey.\nAngela: [in a sing-songy voice] Pam, how's your day going?\nOscar: Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a little bit, your mom's old enough to make her own decisions.\nPam: Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom?\nOscar: My mother's in a wheelchair.\nPam: Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that... Oh could I just get you to sign this second page.\nKelly: [Dwight listening in his ear piece] Ryan, I have to ask you a personal question. Do you think that I should get a Fedora?\nRyan: Ahh, I don't think so, no...\nKelly: Well, I think I'd look really hot in one. Where'd you get your fedora?\nRyan: I'd rather not say.\nKelly: I think I'm gonna get the same fedora as you.\nErin: Hi Dwight!\nDwight: [Dwight storms through the break room listening to Kelly and Ryan in his ear piece] Shh!\nRyan: [Ryan and Kelly talking] ...it should go with the persona you already have.\nKelly: Well, I think I have that persona.\nDwight: Where did you get that mallard?\nKelly: What the hell is a mallard?\nDwight: That!\nKelly: Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me.\nDwight: Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.\nKelly: If you take it back, I'll scream.\nDwight: [sighs heavily] I'll give you five bucks for it.\nRyan: Twenty.\nDwight: Ten.\nRyan: Deal. [pays Ryan and takes the mallard back]\nKelly: [to Ryan] You're so cool.\nRyan: This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.\nMichael: [walks into Toby's office] Hey Toby, could I talk to you for a minute?\nToby: Yeah, sure, what's up?\nMichael: Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier that was... uncalled for, I'm sorry.\nToby: Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot. Thank you for saying it.\nMichael: Can I sit down for a second?\nToby: Yeah, er... pull up a chair or sit on the shredder.\nMichael: This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation.\nToby: Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the work place.\nMichael: She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.\nToby: Ok, I mean, I could talk to her.\nMichael: Really? Would you do that?\nToby: Yeah... that's why they pay me the big bucks. [both laugh]\nMichael: [hugs Toby, who smiles big] You're a good, good guy.\nToby: I'm good...\nToby: You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.\nToby: [walks up to Pam's desk with a binder] Hey Pam, could I talk to you for a sec?\nPam: Sure, what's up?\nToby: Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened today, it would be a good idea if today, you, me, and Michael could head into the conference room for some conflict resolution.\nPam: [to Michael] What's the matter, you can't fight your own battles?\nMichael: No... that's...\nToby: Maybe you could just take the rest of the day off... you know...\nPam: [to Michael] Oh, would that make you feel better?\nMichael: I don't... um... I can't hear your conversation.\nPam: You can tell Michael that I'm not leaving.\nToby: [gets up and puts a hand on Michael's shoulder] Buddy, I think that...\nMichael: Yeah, yeah, yeah-okay... you're a jackass. [to Pam] Hey, hey, you know what? You're just as stubborn as your mother, when you don't wanna do something you just don't do it.\nStanley: Heh, heh, heh.\nPam: Michael, you're just her rebound!\nMichael: You were right Jim, shoulda listened to you, should never have told her.\nPam: [to Jim] What! You knew?\nJim: Barely, I... I don't have all the facts. Frank and Bean...\nMichael: [Pam storms into break room] Okay, do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will.\nPam: Mmmmm, yes!\nMichael: Well, that is not gonna happen!\nPam: Then why'd you even offer!?\nMichael: Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.\nPam: Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh[beep] about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!\nMichael: You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.\nPam: What's that supposed to mean?\nMichael: You know what it means.\nJim: [Pam storms out of the break room] Hey...\nPam: Shut it!\nJim: Yep...\nMichael: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam's mom, my aunt... although she just blocked me on IM, what's her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.\nJim: [walks into his office and sees the mallard back on his desk] Dwight, you brought the mallard back.\nDwight: Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even...\nJim: [speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight] Hi buddy.\nDwight: [walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece] I'm sorry.\nJim: A wooden duck?\nDwight: Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.\nJim: Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this and you are not equipped for espionage...\nDwight: Oh, I'm equipped... I can...\nJim: Silence.\nDwight: Don't tell Michael...\nJim: I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car.\nDwight: Punishment fits the crime, I accept. [shakes Jim's hand and leaves]\nMichael: [leaving his office with his rum] Night everyone. Night Pam, thanks again for the rum.\nErin: Night Michael.\nMichael: Night Erin.\nJim: [in the conference room] Hey Pam, can I see you for a second? So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So he generously offered to wash our car.\nPam: [looking out the window at Dwight washing the car] Awww, he did that for me?\nJim: Yes, he did. You know what was nice, nights swimming in Bayou bay.\nPam: Mmmm.\nJim: [Michael is seen debating on whether to come back in to the office] Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?\nPam: Haha, yeah. Say more nice things.\nJim: Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it and Frank and Beans!\nPam: Maybe I'm overreacting.\nJim: Yeah... maybe.\nPam: But I don't think I am.\nJim: You're not, nope. Nope.\nKevin: [Ryan is walking out of the office ahead of him] Oh... where'd you get that hat?\nRyan: I'd rather not say.\nDwight: [walks into Jims office, twists the top of the pen that he placed in Jim's pen holder which has a bug in it, pushes play] [Jim's voice] 'We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our...' [pauses recording] I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. [starts the recording again] '...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer.'"}
{"text": "Michael: Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community.\nKids: YAY!\nMichael: Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Don't worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha... [bumps into something] ... ha ha ha.\nJim: We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because, as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company.\nMichael: I am going to scare these kids so bad.\nDarryl: This is the spookiest warehouse in the world, kids. You don't believe me? Just take a look. [Kevin chops into Erin, who is dressed as Princess Fiona] Oh. Scary, huh? This is a surgery with an octopus and a burn victim.\nAngela: Black widow.\nKelly: Lulu from The Fifth Element.\nDarryl: Nobody told me what people were, alright? So... label yourselves or take what you get.\nCreed: I want to sell your blood!\nRyan: That's really not the trend in vampires right now.\nDarryl: Here is an old man and a goth dude... and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell.\nMeredith: I'm a hobo.\nDarryl: I asked for a list. [Dwight rides in on a tricycle, laughing diabolically] ...and a clown.\nDwight: I'm Jigsaw, idiot.\nDarryl: You're not as scary as Book Face, over there.\nJim: Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face.\nDarryl: Ok, kids. You've all been so good and unbelievably patient so I think you are gonna get some candy!\nKids: Yeah! [a chair falls over, Michael is seen hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck - the kids scream]\nMichael: Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright?\nMichael: Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?\nMichael: It is the easy way out. You are not alone.\nDarryl: What the hell is wrong with you?\nMichael: Who wants candy?\nMichael: ...and then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival.\nJim: Wow.\nMichael: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.\nJim: I bet we would.\nMichael: They have a TCBY booth.\nJim: Cool.\nMichael: The same stuff you get downtown.\nJim: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: Do you like TCBY?\nJim: Who doesn't?\nMichael: I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun\nErin: I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're expecting the both of you in an hour.\nJim: Oh. Actually, it's just gonna be me.\nErin: They said the both of you.\nJim: That is a mistake.\nMichael: You should give them a call. Check that out.\nJim: Alright. Let's clear this up. [on phone] Well, there's actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can- no. Nope. Why would that be a problem?\nMichael: Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?\nJim: Great. See ya' then.\nMichael: Wha- what?\nJim: They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.\nMichael: Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.\nJim: I absolutely don't understand, either.\nMichael: I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. Alright.\nJim: Alright.\nMichael: Let me get your stroller.\nJim: Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?\nMichael: What are you gonna call him?\nJim: Dave.\nMichael: No. What is his name?\nJim: Dave.\nMichael: Mr. Bourchard. They're very formal.\nJim: Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone.\nMichael: Yeah, well... this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing?\nJim: Yes, it is.\nMichael: ...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.\nJim: No thanks.\nMichael: They are into style.\nJim: Mmm-hmm.\nMichael: They are into appearance. We are selling success.\nJim: ...and paper.\nMichael: That's sorta secondary. [offers Jim the watch again]\nJim: Nope. No.\nJim: He's trying to micro-co-manage me... or co-micro... manage... me.\nPam: Here we are outside-\nAndy: WB!\nPam: #NAME?\nAndy: Industrial P.! Makin' cold calls.\nPam: The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them.\nAndy: [singing] Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.\nPam: Here it is. [Andy is still singing] Suite 401.\nAndy: Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.\nPam: I know. Now you don't have to.\nAndy: Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. [sings] Suite 401.\nMichael: Alright. Hi. Any messages?\nErin: You're soaking wet.\nMichael: Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning.\nPhyllis: Wow. Sounds scary.\nMichael: It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't.\nAngela: Why isn't Jim wet?\nJim: I outran it.\nMeredith: I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.\nMichael: It rained.\nDwight: Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?\nMichael: Nothing. Cocoa.\nJim: I'll just leave that suit in your office then.\nMichael: Good. Yep.\nSecretary: Must be nice to have company on these cold calls.\nAndy: We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. [points to Pam's tummy]\nSecretary: How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet?\nPam: [Andy shakes his head 'no'] Oh. No, no. [laughing] We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together.\nAndy: [miffed] Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies.\nErin: [Michael is walking around in one of Jim's suits] Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi pond.\nMichael: Ok. Thank you.\nStanley: Did you say 'Koi pond'?\nMichael: [phone rings] Yeah?\nErin: Michael, people are asking questions.\nMichael: Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?\nPhyllis: Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond?\nMichael: Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.\nOscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond?\nJim: Mmm... it's like Michael said. It was some- something else.\nMichael: It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.\nAngela: So you fell in?\nMichael: No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.\nAngela: So a child had fallen in?\nMichael: Not yet!\nKevin: That is hilarious. [extends hand for a fist bump]\nMichael: No it is- don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. [Stanley laughs]\nJim: Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in. It was... how long it took him to get out.\nPam: And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area.\nCustomer: Well that sounds like a really nice deal.\nAndy: Sha-bow.\nCustomer: And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too.\nAndy: Oh, wow. You thought that- oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not.\nCustomer: My mistake. Sorry.\nPam: It's ok.\nAndy: Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not ok. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine.\nCustomer: That- that's good for you.\nPam: Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes.\nAndy: Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like.\nPam: Yeah.\nPam: You were way meaner to me than I was to you.\nAndy: No I wasn't. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.\nPam: You blew the sale, you idiot.\nAndy: Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale.\nMichael: Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?\nErin: Staples? [Kevin clears his throat] Uh, David Wallace called.\nMichael: Oh. He did? What did he say?\nErin: He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it.\nMichael: Ok.\nKevin: [whispers to Erin] I'm gonna kill you.\nStanley: Michael, don't listen to them.\nMichael: Thank you, Stanley.\nStanley: You just ignore their carp.\nMichael: Ok.\nDwight: Michael?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay.\nCreed: Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?\nMichael: I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story.\nOscar: Don't you mean 'Koi Story'?\nPhyllis: And when you fell in, did you flounder?\nDwight: Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and -\nMichael: I know what a flounder is.\nMichael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good.\nMichael: The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?\nPhyllis: Michael, you make fun of us every day.\nMichael: Uh...\nKevin: Yeah. Every single day.\nMichael: You never said anything.\nMeredith: Uh, we have. Countless times.\nMichael: Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop because I want you to stop' or STOP as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!'\nAngela: That's never the case.\nMichael: We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes 'Koi pond' on the list] Ok. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Ok. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.\nDwight: I don't want people making fun of my nose.\nMichael: Your nose?\nDwight: It's too small.\nMichael: Alright.\nOscar: Oh my. That is small.\nDwight: Just, write it down, please.\nOscar: Can you breathe okay?\nKelly: What keeps your glasses on?\nDwight: Hey! It's on the list, everybody.\nMichael: No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance.\nKevin: I don't want people making fun of my weight.\nMichael: Ok. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yeah? [writes Huge Gut] Meredith?\nMeredith: I don't want to say it out loud.\nMichael: Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.\nMeredith: I really didn't want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so... what are you gonna do? [she writes 'sex with a terrorist']\nMichael: Ok.\nAndy: That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it.\nKeena Gifford: Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple.\nAndy: Well-\nPam: Oh- [both look at each other and together say] Thank you.\nKeena Gifford: Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do.\nPam: Well, you know.\nAndy: Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-\nPam: He loves to eat.\nAndy: I love to dance-\nPam: I love to watch him dance.\nAndy: Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room-\nPam: And I'll just watch him.\nKeena Gifford: And a baby on the way? You must be so excited.\nPam: Yes.\nAndy: Yeah. We are thrilled.\nPam: Mmm-hmm.\nAndy: In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey?\nPam: It was, sweetie.\nKeena Gifford: Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet.\nAndy: Yeah. On Clearview Avenue.\nKeena Gifford: Yeah!\nAndy: Yeah.\nAngela: This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel.\nPhyllis: So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal?\nErin: Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. [everyone shows remorse]\nMichael: It's a fish.\nErin: They want you to pay for it.\nMichael: It could've died of natural causes. So...\nErin: Well, they said you stepped on it's head. He did not suffer.\nOscar: When is the funeral?\nMichael: Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want?\nErin: $300.00\nMichael: What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.\nCreed: Oh, you're payin' way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy?\nJim: Ok. Great meeting, everybody. That's it.\nMichael: No, no.\nDwight: Thank you. [everyone begins to leave]\nMichael: No. We are not done here. This-\nAndy: One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly wht the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick!\nKeena Gifford: That's great!\nAndy: Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me.\nPam: Yeah, well, that'll happen.\nAndy: Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too. [leans over and kisses Pam's belly]\nPam: Sometimes we're so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting.\nAndy: Message received, little soy bean.\nJim: I think you just gotta ride this one out, man.\nMichael: No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'.\nJim: No, they don't.\nMichael: Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail.\nJim: Maybe if you make fun of yourself it'll all go away.\nMichael: I want to make fun of you right now.\nJim: Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball.\nMichael: No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid.\nJim: See?\nMichael: Oh, my God.\nMichael: Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? [everyone starts laughing] Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to.\nPhyllis: Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby?\nMichael: Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem.\nDwight: Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.\nMichael: It's ok. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to hrow me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. [Michael begins to lose his cool] Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the friends- the five- the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. [realizing he's going downhill] Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice.\nKevin: [watching Angela eat something] Enjoying your nut?\nOscar: Kevin.\nAngela: Why?\nKevin: I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut.\nAngela: I was.\nMichael: Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over.\nJim: Mm... I'm, know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitity training, so...\nKevin: We'll stay late.\nAndy: Well, that went pretty well.\nPam: Yeah, I guess.\nAndy: We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it.\nPam: If I'm being completely honest, I could've done without the belly kiss.\nAndy: You know what? I'm sorry. 'Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much.\nPam: Yeah. Way too much.\nAndy: Yeah.\nPam: I mean, what the hell was that?\nAndy: What the heck was that?\nPam: When you cried?\nAndy: Agh- try almost cried, ok? I just got caught up in the fantasy.\nPam: You're fantsy involves comparison shopping birthing classes?\nAndy: No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right?\nPam: Hmm.\nAndy: I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I'm so sick of being single.\nPam: Well, are you dating anyone?\nAndy: What do you think of Erin? I mean- she's- I- She's kinda cool.\nPam: Ah.\nAndy: You think I can do better?\nPam: Ah.\nAndy: Gotta get my goin' out on.\nMeredith: Hey, let's watch this thing.\nJim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Yeah. We're not watchin' this.\nOscar: How can we not watch this?\nJim: What happened to 'Do Not Mock'?\nPhyllis: We're not mocking, we're watching.\nJim: That will inevitably lead to mocking. So...\nPhyllis: Well, we'll deal with it as it comes.\nMichael: Is this the tape of me falling?\nPhyllis: Yes. Put the DVD in.\nKevin: Open QuickTime.\nOscar: It starts on it's own. Let it -\nKevin: No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I've done this.\nJim: Guys. Michael can't handle this and as your boss I'm saying we're not watching it.\nMichael: No. It's ok. Watch it. He can't fire all of you.\nJim: What are you doing?\nMichael: It's alright. I can handle it.\nJim: No.\nMichael: I am a grown-up, Jim.\nMeredith: Shh. It's on.\nKevin: Here they come. [everyone reacts to seeing Michael fall in] Boom!\nOscar: Oh. Did - did you see that?\nJim: See what?\nAngela: Why'd you stop it?\nJim: Oscar, yes. You're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it.\nOscar: Jim, you let Michael fall in.\nDwight: Play it again. [everyone has the same reaction as before] He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.\nJim: Oh... man. I thinke when I started to see you go in I think I just froze.\nMichael: I don't think you froze.\nJim: It's a killer new dance move. [re-enacts leaning back] Do you wanna talk in your office?\nAngela: No.\nJim: I didn't ask you. [back to Michael] Would you like to talk? [walks away]\nDwight: Judas.\nDwight: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-\nJim: I should've grabbed you. I'm sorry. Look, I thought I could've done today's sales call alone. I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job.\nMichael: Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.\nMeredith: [as Jim enters the kitchen] Hey, what's up lifeguard?\nOscar: Jim, I think I'm in your way. [leans back - they both exit]\nMichael: Oscar's a douche.\nJim: [laughing] He's alright.\nMichael: No. He's a- yeah, he's alright. Ok. [holds door open as they exit]\nJim: Thanks Michael.\nMichael: You're welcome. Whoa! [leans back] Almost fell. [they both laugh]\nPam: Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me?\nErin: Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don't accidentally read them.\nPam: Ok.\nErin: Thanks.\nPam: Mmm-hmm.\nErin: How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?\nPam: No. It was a total waste of time. Um... it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool.\nErin: Yeah, he is!\nPam: Yeah, he is.\nErin: He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met.\nPam: That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando.\nErin: Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.\nPam: I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah."}
{"text": "Dwight: Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?\nStanley: Thank you. [reaches for bagel]\nDwight: No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.\nAndy: Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?\nDwight: Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?\nPhyllis: This is really nice Dwight, thanks.\nAndy: Thanks.\nDwight: Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one.\nDwight: Good morning Michael.\nMichael: Morning Dwight.\nDwight: Hungry?\nMichael: No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers. Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.\nDwight: Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.\nMichael: Well, yeah...\nDwight: You're thinking of deer penis.\nMichael: It worked.\nDwight: Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. [holds up tray] Bagel?\nMichael: I don't mind if I do.\nDwight: K. I brought cheese too.\nMichael: I'm taking one for my lady friend.\nDwight: Excellent.\nMichael: Brain food. Thank you very much.\nDwight: Okay. [walks out of Michael's office] You owe me.\nDwight: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?\nDwight: Pam, would you care for a bagel?\nPam: Oh, no thank you.\nDwight: That's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.\nPam: I have an early lunch.\nPam: Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out.\nErin: These are amazing. You took all these?\nRyan: I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti. Photography lets me capture all that. Have you ever been photographed before?\nErin: Oh just by like friends.\nRyan: Well here's what I've been doing around here. It's for a series on exposure in the workplace.\nHelene: [walks into the office] Whoohoo! Pammy?\nPam: Hey! [gets up to greet Helene] Hey. Happy birthday.\nHelene: Thank you. [they hug]\nMichael: [comes over to hug them both] My girls. There they are. [Pam walks away]\nMichael: Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your 'Gee I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother' and fixes all occurrences of 'I don't really see them together'. So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.\nAngela: Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?\nPam: I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding.\nMichael: Yeah-\nKevin: Hi.\nMichael: I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we?\nHelene: Wait a minute. [looks at the bag in Michael's hand] Is that another birthday present for me cause you already gave me a necklace.\nKelly: Oh my God I love it. [looks at camera and shakes head]\nHelene: Tell her how you gave it to me.\nMichael: No, that wouldn't be-\nHelene: He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. What a nice way to wake up.\nMichael: Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to- inappropriosity.\nKevin: Because of sex?\nMichael: Hey-\nPam: Kevin!\nMichael: Please, Kevin. You're fired. [Kevin looks at Jim; Jim shakes his head] Sorry, sorry. Work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go?\nPam: Yes, let's go. [looks at Erin and nods]\nErin: Oh, wait. Um- Swartz Lumber is on the phone for you Pam and they say it's urgent.\nPam: Oh, you guys. Just one second. [picks up phone] Oh my gosh! Are you serious? Shipping emergency. I don't think I can go to lunch.\nJim: Oh man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out too.\nPam: I know. Isn't that always how it goes?\nJim: Rarely. If ever. Let me give it a whirl. I'll talk to them.\nPam: I want to handle it.\nJim: That's okay.\nPam: I feel like its-\nJim: It's my pleasure. [takes phone from Pam] Hello? Well that's great. [hangs up phone] Turns out the paper was there all along.\nCreed: [sighs] Thank God.\nCreed: Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.\nHelene: So, Pammy- are you still liking sales?\nPam: Yeah- it's exciting.\nHelene: Well, you know- Michael and I were- talking, and maybe if you put a little more face to face time with your clients you could improve your sales.\nJim: Pam's sales are fine actually.\nMichael: Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today.\nPam: Thank you.\nMichael: Today is about family.\nPam: Why did I get in the car? I could of struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn't even blow it.\nAndy: Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you.\nDwight: Let me guess- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.\nAndy: Yes! [they laugh] And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory.\nDwight: Wow-\nAndy: Feel it against your cheek.\nDwight: I will. [Andy rubs the briefcase against Dwight's face]\nAndy: You give me a gift- Bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere- Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor- Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.\nDwight: Let me get that door for you- [runs to open door]\nAndy: Whoa-\nDwight: There you go!\nAndy: Thank you very much. Now I've got it for you. [holds open door]\nDwight: Oh... goodness... thanks. You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees.\nAndy: Is that right?\nDwight: Observe. [walks towards desk]\nAndy: Huh. [laughs; follows Dwight]\nDwight: Right?\nAndy: That really works.\nDwight: Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime. Okay.\nAndy: Hey- oh, hold on a second. Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus.\nDwight: [straightens Andy's tie] And that needs to be straight as an arrow.\nAndy: Whoa- thank you very much. [takes off Dwight's glasses and blows on them] Oh boy.\nDwight: Thank you very much for that.\nAndy: [puts Dwight's glasses back on Dwight's face] You are very welcome.\nDwight: [pulls out Andy's chair] Have a seat. Allow me.\nAndy: [pulls out Dwight's chair] Have a seat yourself.\nDwight: You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.\nAndy: Not necessary.\nDwight: No, no, no! [takes mouse and runs away]\nAndy: You didn't have to do that.\nDwight: Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.\nMichael: Hello. Scott. Table for four.\nHostess: Welcome Scott family. It'll be just a moment.\nPam: I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too.\nMichael: What table should we take? So many to choose from.\nJim: Wow.\nHelene: [sees table decorated with a banner and balloons] Oh my God!\nMichael: What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh, wait a second! You mean this one? Wow!\nPam: Michael, you did all this?\nMichael: Not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it.\nHelene: Well, thank you. All of you.\nMichael: Well, it was actually me alone, so- wow look at this place. Really makes me want to go to Italy some day.\nHelene: Oh you'll love it. You can have my guide books. I think I'm done with those really long plane rides.\nMichael: Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books.\nPam: So, mom... which birthday are we celebrating this year?\nHelene: [laughs] Sticking with 49.\nPam: 49 again? That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition.\nMichael: That's funny.\nHelene: Well, as long as you're running numbers Pam, then help me out with this one. Let's see your six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?\nJim: Oh, burn. Burn on you... and a little bit on me, too. [they laugh]\nMichael: You're 54 years old.\nHelene: No. I'm 58.\nMichael: You're 58 years old?\nHelene: Uh huh.\nMichael: Congratulations.\nMichael: The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.\nPam: Mom, have you decided what you want to be called?\nHelene: Oh, well I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma.\nPam: Please be Grandma.\nJim: Definitely Grandma.\nPam: I want you to be Grandma.\nHelene: Oh, Michael what do you think? Grandma?\nMichael: [nods uncomfortably] That-\nPam: Yay, Grandma!\nMichael: Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think?\nPam: Maybe.\nMichael: Helene?\nHelene: Oh, oh no. I don't think so.\nMichael: I am. I'm definitely going to do it. I've already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in?\nHelene: Oh no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out. It just- doesn't interest me.\nMichael: So it's a matter of interest. Good, okay. It's not anything you would have ever done.\nHelene: Hmm... I might have done it when I was younger, but now there's just other things I'd rather be doing, instead of running and jumping and swimming-\nMichael: Well there's no jumping in a triathlon.\nHelene: Oh-\nMichael: You're thinking of the broad jump. Would you try- bungee jumping?\nHelene: No, no... [laughs]\nMichael: Snowboarding?\nHelene: You want to go snowboarding?\nMichael: I might.\nHelene: Michael, what are you talking about?\nMichael: [sighs] Nothing. Just life- and doing things- before you die. I don't know.\nMichael: Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.\nAndy: [singing fanfare] Aye-yi-yi! [lifts covers off trays of food]\nDwight: What's going on in here?\nOscar: Andy bought lunch.\nDwight: Oh... no... really?\nAndy: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.\nDwight: There is no book. There's only a survival guide.\nAndy: You bought breakfast for everyone, so I got lunch for everyone.\nDwight: Okay, well, allow me. You know what- gosh these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos! Gra-ga-ga-ga-ga!\nMichael: So we should get the check?\nPam: What about your gift Michael?\nMichael: Oh, no, no, no. No. It's stupid. You'd hate it. I hate it.\nHelene: I'm sure I won't.\nMichael: Yes you will.\nPam: He locked himself in his office all morning working on it.\nHelene: Gimme. Look at this wrapping paper. It's got the word love on it in every language.\nPam: Aww-\nMichael: I literally- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper.\nHelene: [opens present, reads inscription] A scrapbook of our first memories by Michael Gary Scott. For my girlfriend Helene on your birthday. [laughs]\nMichael: That's just an arbitrary title.\nHelene: Ok, there's a penny. What's that from?\nJim: Penny for your thoughts.\nHelene: It was from the wishing well at the mall. You threw it in. I went back later, waded in and I found it.\nJim: Wow.\nPam: That's amazing.\nMichael: It's not amazing... at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.\nHelene: [looking through the book] A poem!\nMichael: Oh that I plagiarized I think.\nHelene: [reading] I can not go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay...\nJim: [whispers to Pam] Shel Silverstein.\nPam: Yeah.\nHelene: Um- I have the measles and the mumps, a gash, a rash and purple bumps. And my teachers really mean- Happy Birthday , I love you Helene.\nPam: That's really nice Michael.\nMichel: I think it sucks.\nHelene: I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful.\nMichael: Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational- sort of gap between us.\nHelene: [hugging book] God... it's a scrapbook.\nPam: Home run Michael.\nJim: You set the bar so high.\nMichael: That was a bunt.\nAndy: Whoa, whoa Dwight. I'm going to do this.\nDwight: Hey, hey, hey- relax I got it covered.\nAndy: No, I insist.\nDwight: No, no, no, no, no, no, I insist. [pushes Andy out of the room and locks the door]\nAndy: Ok, Dwight this is ridiculous.\nDwight: Don't worry about it. You can just owe me.\nPam: Hey. Where'd you go?\nMichael: Oh, just went to the bathroom.\nPam: And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?\nMichael: I got thirsty.\nPam: Okay, weirdo. Come on. It's time for cake.\nMichael: Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself.\nPam: Cakes really good.\nHelene: Oh, I know. I love how they use butter cream frosting.\nMichael: Finish your cake, Helene.\nHelene: Hmmm?\nMichael: I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.\nMichael: Helene I think you're a wonderful person and I- God- I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.\nPam: Michael. Michael ,it's okay.\nMichael: No it's not.\nPam: I know that it took me a little while to come around and its still a little weird to get used to, but you obviously make my mom very happy. And that makes me happy.\nMichael: Wow. That just- you've really grown.\nPam: Well-\nMichael: [covering eyes] Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who- who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping.\nJim: Okay, so-\nMichael: And I want kids. And you... unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.\nPam: Michael.\nMichael: It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer- [waitress comes over to pour water; long pause] - tility.\nHelene: I, um- I got it.\nHelene: I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?\nMichael: Well, hobbies-\nJim: Stop.\nAndy: [reaching for something on the top shelf] Ahh.\nDwight: What's going on?\nAndy: Stupid things wedged up there. No one in this office will help me.\nDwight: Alright, move it.\nAndy: What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.\nDwight: Oh yeah, you're going to owe me big time.\nAndy: It's like a little envelope- there you go.\nDwight: Got it. [looks at envelope] To Dwight. Wha- [opens envelope] Starbucks gift card.\nAndy: Surprise! [laughs] It's from everybody. $15 value.\nDwight: Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. [bends over and hold hand about 1/2 an inch from the floor] They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.\nMichael: Pamela Beesly Halpert-\nPam: What?\nMichael: May I have a word with you in my office please?\nPam: I am working.\nMichael: Well, this is a work related matter.\nPam: Really?\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: Really?\nMichael: Yes. Join me please, won't you? [Pam gets up and follows Michael into his office] I am going to give you a raise.\nPam: Why?\nMichael: Because of all the good work you've done.\nPam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.\nMichael: That's- no, no- it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.\nPam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.\nMichael: Do you want the raise or what?\nPam: Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]\nMichael: Hey, Pam, Pam- with this raise there are strings attached. [Pam sighs] And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.\nPam: You're bribing me?\nMichael: No! No- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't- unless I haven't offered you enough... your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or-\nPam: I want to hit you.\nMichael: What?\nPam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.\nMichael: [nervous laughter] Oh- okay , what? I don't- Are you kidding?\nPam: No. Are you kidding?\nMichael: Ye- No. Alright. I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just-\nPam: No. I don't think I can hit you in the office.\nMichael: Okay.\nPam: So, um... we'll do it after work. In the parking lot. In front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can.\nMichael: Okay.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: Okay.\nPam: See you then.\nMichael: See you.\nRyan: Hey.\nMichael: Hey.\nRyan: Quick question.\nKelly: Yeah.\nRyan: Are you scared?\nMichael: Never. About what? A little- what are you talking-\nRyan: We heard about the punch.\nMichael: What punch?\nKelly: Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work.\nMichael: I'm pretty sure we said slap.\nKelly: No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now.\nRyan: I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Do you?\nMichael: I- mmm- I'm good.\nRyan: alright. See you there.\nMichael: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: Do you and Pam ever get frisky?\nJim: Inappropriate.\nMichael: I mean- do you ever wrestle with each other?\nJim: All the time.\nMichael: Really?\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: She strong?\nJim: She wants it bad Michael.\nMichael: Can you stop this?\nJim: I can.\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: And I don't support her choice to hit you.\nMichael: I don't either.\nJim: But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning.\nMichael: Mmm-hmm. I know.\nJim: I just need some time.\nMichael: You gotta do something-\nJim: I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision.\nMichael: How much time do you think you'll need?\nJim: No more than a week. Maybe two weeks.\nMichael: Come on, man!\nToby: Pam, can I talk to you for a second?\nPam: Oh...\nToby: I heard about the hit. Just- make sure it's off company property, right?\nPam: Right.\nToby: Okay, I think we should probably be okay.\nPam: Okay.\nToby: Okay. And- the-the power- comes from the back foot. So its- its all one motion through the- body. So you stay a little low and there's a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm. [demonstrates punch] Pow!\nPam: [stands up; gets into stance] Okay wait- it's- you're saying it comes from the foot.\nToby: Yes.\nPam: Okay. [punches Toby's hand]\nToby: Yes.\nPam: Wow!\nToby: Okay.\nMeredith: Hey everybody, he's not in the men's room although the seat was warm so we may have just missed him.\nKevin: My money's on Pam.\nOscar: It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be?\nKevin: Michael could win.\nOscar: How? He can't hit back.\nKevin: Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?\nMichael: Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it. [claps hands] Let's do this.\nMichael: It's okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home.\nKevin: We're here for the show, Michael.\nMichael: You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?\nKelly: It has almost no calories.\nPam: Are you ready?\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: [goes to punch Michael; he flinches] You have to keep your hands down, Michael.\nMichael: I know. [sighs] Okay. Alright. [Pam goes to punch him again] Oh- God!\nPam: Michael, you have to put your hands down.\nAngela: Put your hands in your pockets.\nMichael: Okay! [braces himself] Pam, Pam- I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.\nPam: What are you sorry for?\nMichael: So many things. I don't know. It's hard to choose.\nPam: How about for dating my mom?\nMichael: Maybe that-\nPam: And dumping her on her birthday.\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: Okay- just- don't ever date a member of my family again.\nMichael: Okay. I promise. [Pam starts to walk away] For the record your mom came on to me. [Pam turns around and slaps him; he gasps]\nPhyllis: Holy crap.\nPam: Are you okay?\nMichael: No!\nPam: You're okay.\nJim: Feel better?\nPam: No. You were right.\nDwight: [walks with Michael back into the office; Michael is clutching is face and limping] Wait, why are you limping?\nMichael: I don't know.\nDwight: Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.\nMichael: As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me.\nMichael: Ahh... [Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to his face]\nDwight: Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down.\nMichael: Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight.\nDwight: Fire Jim.\nMichael: No.\nDwight: I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him.\nMichael: What are you talking about-\nDwight: Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.\nMichael: Forget that.\nDwight: Can I have an office?\nMichael: No.\nDwight: You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it.\nMichael: [pats face] Oh that feels better."}
{"text": "Dwight: [screaming, Phyllis and Dwight wrestling] Got you! Broken arm! Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom! Ha, gonna flip you!\nJim: Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate... because as we all know, the one thing thousand year martial arts do all the time is change.\nDwight: How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch [screams, pretends to punch Meredith in the throat]\nJim: OK, so there's no defense for that, good to know.\nDwight: No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!\nKevin: No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.\nDwight: False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!\nJim: OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.\nDwight: That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.\nJim: So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?\nDwight: Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. [gives himself a fake throat punch] Block. Grasp wrist as such. [grasps wrist]\nJim: And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two.\nDwight: Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. [gives himself another throat punch and proceeds to both attack and defend himself] Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!\nJim: Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool.\nDwight: He really is, but not for long. [steps on foot] Ow! Instep, oh, not again. [more screaming] You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on.\nJim: You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.\nDwight: The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise. [hits himself in the groin and moans]\nMichael: But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.\nAndy: I did stand up comedy once.\nMichael: You did?\nAndy: Yeah, I killed.\nMichael: That sounds like it was hilarious.\nAndy: It was hilarious.\nDwight: Michael?\nMichael: Yes?\nDwight: What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?\nMichael: You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day.\nDwight: This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin.\nMichael: Woo hoo, shout out!\nDwight: Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP.\nMichael: Erin, do we have the journal?\nErin: Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.\nMichael: Did you?\nPam: Michael, he means the Wall Street Journal online.\nMichael: Oh, the Wall.\nOscar: I found the article. [everyone walks over to his desk, he begins reading the article] 'On a day marked by panicked corporate board meetings, one that is relatively not surprising is Dunder Mifflin's. It is rumored that they will recommend... ' and the article cuts off.\nMichael: It's $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say? [no one makes a move to pay for the article]\nJim: Are you serious? [starts typing on the computer and Andy begins to lean in toward the computer]\nAndy: I got it, I got it... Oh, Tuna beat me to it.\nPhyllis: It is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy.'\nMichael: No, no, that doesn't make any sense.\nStanley: Oh lord, we're all gonna lose our jobs.\nOscar: Not necessarily, bankruptcy could mean a lot of things. Maybe they're just restructuring to get out of debt.\nMichael: Oh, that sounds awful.\nOscar: Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin.\nMichael: Oh God. Well, that's an interesting theory.\nDwight: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.\nDavid Wallace's Secretary: I'm sorry, Michael, David's in a meeting.\nMichael: Ah, well maybe you should spy on him. [in Valley Girl voice] Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious! [laughs]\nDavid Wallace's Secretary: Um, I'll just have him call you back.\nMichael: OK, OK. Good. I'll catch you on the flippity flip. Bye. [hangs up phone] He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free.\nKevin: [retching sounds coming from the men's bathroom, Kevin walks to the door and goes in] Michael, are you OK? Did you throw up in there?\nMichael: No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be.\nKevin: It smells like throw up in here.\nMichael: Crazy world. Lotta smells.\nKelly: [in lunch room with several coworkers] Guys, what if this is our last day at work? What if we never see each other ever again? [Andy scoffs and looks over at Erin, Erin looks sad]\nAndy: I like Erin. There, I said it. I was kinda hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front, so... it is time for the Nard Dog to take matters into his own paws.\nJim: [Michael in his office playing music loudly, Jim walks in and turns the volume down, Michael trailing off on singing] We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what's going to happen.\nMichael: OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins.\nJim: Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine. So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they'll follow along.\nMichael: Monkey see, monkey do.\nJim: That's it.\nMichael: Monkey pee all over you.\nJim: That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today?\nMichael: We have a monthly staff meeting\nJim: Alright, let's conference room it up! [everyone is now in the conference room] Here's the deal guys. There is no new information as of yet, so I suggest we all just keep working.\nJim: Sure I'm a little nervous, but doing our work will make us feel better. I only slack off when things are good.\nJim: Customers have to use the coupon code from the website. And as of now there is no differentiation between the letter O and the zero, but we are working on that. Stay tuned for that.\nDwight: [Michael leaves] He needs me. Seat saved infinity. [leaves]\nJim: OK, great.\nMichael: [walks back in, on cell phone] What? Oh my God! [everyone starts asking questions] There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah. [runs back to his office]\nMichael: Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.\nMeredith: [reading the game box cover] Belles, Bourbon and Bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game.\nMichael: It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it...\nJim: Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea.\nMichael: This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder.\nJim: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this.\nMichael: Tube City, you owe me one.\nJim: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.\nVoice on CD player: August the 5th, 1955. It's a sad day down here in Savannah. Local magnate Bill Bourbon was killed last night and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate Bill as he passes on to his great reward. You're not just here to pay your respects, you have to figure out which of y'all is the no-count scoundrel who killed him.\nStanley: This is ridiculous. [gets up to leave, as does Angela]\nMichael: There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.\nStanley: What kind of food?\nMichael: Sandwich platters.\nStanley: I'm in. [sits back down]\nMichael: Baby carrots. [Angela sits back down]\nMichael: OK, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.\nKevin: Whoa, I'll try it.\nMichael: OK, use your imaginations.\nAndy: Who'd you get?\nErin: Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, a vivacious young socialite with a penchant for scandal.\nAndy: Oooooo, saucy.\nErin: How about you?\nAndy: Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and Nellie's brother.\nAngela: Michael, I don't like this game. It's scary.\nMichael: It's not scary.\nAngela: I don't like my character.\nPam: Who are you?\nAngela: Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps. I'm not comfortable with this. [holds up a head]\nMichael: Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy. Every night, a different woman. Being oogled. Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful.\nMichael: [looks at Oscar who is using his phone, grabs it] Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?\nOscar: It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company.\nMichael: Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.\nRyan: You don't have to keep saying 'I do declare'. Any time you say something it means you are declaring.\nMichael: That is the way Southern people talk.\nJim: And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?\nMichael: Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery?\nPam: I'll go. [stands up, begins speaking with a southern accent] My name is Deborah U. Tante. Deb for short.\nAndy: That's clever, Debutante.\nPam: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.\nMeredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.\nPam: I do not.\nAndy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.\nKevin: Oooo, now do the Swedish chef.\nAndy: Uh, not familiar, what province is he from?\nKevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.\nPhyllis: You know, I think I'm supposed to say something to Pam, I mean, Deb, OK? [in character] I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept.\nDwight: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!\nMichael: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.\nDwight: I will poison your food.\nAndy: I reckon I got something to say to Miss Beatrix Bourbon, if'n she don't mind.\nMichael: Oooooo, doggie, we got a party now!\nMichael: I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.\nKevin: Y'all.\nCreed: [Creed pulls into the parking lot and goes into the office] Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on?\nMichael: [accent] Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.\nCreed: OK. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and I'll be right back.\nMichael: Very good, very good. Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. [Creed gets in his car and drives away]\nAndy: [in character] Hey there young lady.\nErin: Hello.\nAndy: I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.\nErin: Sounds like a plan, Sugar.\nAndy: Alright, a plan it is.\nDwight: Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts.\nAngela: It's not my fault, I was exposed to Harry Potter.\nDwight: I know you did it!\nDwight: I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, AKA Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.\nKevin: [in character] Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.\nErin: Well, you know ol' Nellie's always up for a romp in the hay.\nMeredith: How about a threesome?\nErin: Yeah, my boudoir's always open.\nKevin: Nice.\nAndy: I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer.\nOscar: I just got an email from corporate, specifically for Accounting to stop all payments to our vendors.\nPhyllis: What does that mean?\nOscar: Well, maybe nothing but it could mean a problem with liquidity-\nMichael: [accent] Whoa. What's this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son? This here's Savannah.\nOscar: [tries to speak in a high-pitched southern accent] This plantation, we're running low on greenbacks. We're having problems paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay... [in regular voice] - Michael, I can't - Basically it could mean a lot of things, but it is unprecedented, so it's cause for concern.\nJim: OK, I'm going back to work.\nMichael: No no no no no no no. [accent] I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go.\nVoice on CD player: Well by now you've figured out that ol' Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.\nPhyllis: Michael, I was doing so well.\nMichael: [accent] Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- that's a misdirection. We still don't know who the murderer is. [everyone leaves] Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here. I can't do this myself. Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do?\nJim: OK, so Corporate is still in their meeting.\nKevin: That could be a good sign.\nAngela: Hey everyone, Kevin's going to give us his take on the situation. Let's listen up.\nJim: Alright guys, it's a work day and you guys work here, so let's go do some work.\nKevin: Now, Jim telling us all to work? I think that is a very good sign.\nAngela: Don't just say things.\nJim: [Michael walks in] Oh, hey, Michael. Listen, I brought up those sales targets. Do you want to-\nMichael: [accent] I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y'all skedaddled way too soon. We need to reopen this case.\nJim: No, you're not reopening the case. The case is closed.\nMichael: No it ain't.\nDwight: Frankly, I'm not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns.\nAndy: Just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. It's funny, the guy's dead the whole time.\nErin: I haven't seen it.\nAndy: Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend?\nErin: [accent] Of course, Nathaniel.\nAndy: Yeah, OK.\nErin: [accent] Where are you taking me?\nAndy: [accent] Well, finest steakhouse in all Savannah.\nErin: [accent] Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.\nAndy: Did you mean a real date?\nErin: No. [laughs] Did you?\nAndy: Totally... not. [Erin gets up and walks away]\nErin: I thought it was for real. So I was excited, but it was just, it was part of the game.\nDwight: You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid?\nMichael: I already declared you, it was too dark to tell.\nDwight: Stop playing games with me, Crawdad.\nMichael: This is not a game, this is my life. You are out of order, sir.\nDwight: Answer me.\nMichael: You are out of order.\nDwight: You are out of order.\nMichael: You are-\nPam: I think Michael may have snapped.\nJim: Or maybe he's just stuck in character.\nPam: Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?\nJim: Both. They're both worse.\nJim: It's going to be alright. We're a good company, we'll figure this out. We're not going under.\nPam: Jim, what if we both lose our jobs? I'm trying to think of a way that this all ends up fine, and I can't think of one.\nMichael: [comes into Jim's office using accent] Deb, what in the world - do you have the vapors?\nJim: Michael, not now.\nMichael: Can't wait, we have to get you to our witch doctor right now. Come on. Come on.\nPam: I should just go. [accent] Where to now Caleb?\nMichael: To Mama Juju Boo Boo.\nJim: Michael, can I... OK, I'm just going to skip right past the what and go with why.\nMichael: Because this is the recreation of a crime scene.\nMeredith: [laying on the ground] I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks.\nDwight: Hey shut up. You're dead.\nJim: Michael, can I talk to you in your office?\nMichael: No Michael here, my name is-\nJim: Caleb!\nJim: Today of all days...\nMichael: No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game, alright? [Jim nods]\nMichael: [accent] Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. What can I do you for?\nErin: Wallace is on the phone. He's returning your call.\nMichael: Detective Wallace?\nErin: I don't think so. I think it's David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin.\nMichael: Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here.\nOscar: You're not gonna answer the phone?\nMichael: No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room.\nJim: I'll take it.\nJim: Hey David.\nDavid: Hey, sorry to be getting back to you guys so late. Things are still a bit unclear, we didn't officially decide anything yet.\nJim: Oh, OK.\nDavid: But if I can be candid with you here Jim, it's not good. We fully expect to be out of money by the end of the year. Insolvent. So, well... You know what? I'm sorry, I have to run. But we will talk soon, OK?\nJim: Sure. Oh, you know, while I have you... today I was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain, and it would actually be a big account and I wanted to-\nDavid: You know what? I can't really get my head around anything like that right now, but that's great. Keep after it, but I gotta run.\nJim: OK.\nDavid: Thanks Jim.\nJim: See ya.\nPam: [Jim comes out of the office] What's the news?\nJim: Nothing yet.\nPhyllis: Well, I guess that's not-\nJim: Well there is some bad news. [accent] There has been another murder.\nMichael: A murder, you say? I do declare.\nJim: Conference room everyone.\nStanley: Do we have to play?\nJim: No.\nStanley: Super.\nDwight: Oh, this could be a juicy one.\nMichael: Get in there!\nJim: I think today was a good day to have two managers. 'Cause if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now.\nMichael: There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. [regular voice] Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.\nAndy: [Andy, Michael, and Dwight are pointing imaginary guns at each other] I didn't do it!\nDwight: OK, everybody just calm down.\nAndy: I am calm.\nMichael: On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns.\nDwight: I have crossbows.\nMichael: We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?\nDwight: OK, I'm ready.\nMichael: One, two, three.. [all scream]\nJim: Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that - get this- he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.\nJim: [Michael, Dwight, Andy and now Pam are in the circle and training their 'weapons' on each other, Jim walks in] Really?\nPam: [accent] It wasn't me. I'm not goin' down for this!\nJim: Yeah, I want to go home.\nPam: Get the keys out of my purse, start the car. [Jim and Pam slowly back out of the office, Pam has her weapon trained on everyone and then they run out]"}
{"text": "Oscar: [Dwight enters dressed as Recyclops] Not again.\nDwight: Bow down before Recyclops.\nJim: Five years ago, corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day so Dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops.\nDwight: Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?\nJim: The next year he really stepped things up.\nDwight: Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?\nJim: A year after that Recylcops really began to take shape.\nDwight: Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.\nJim: Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing... I can't remember.\nDwight: Recyclops will have his revenge.\nJim: I think this was also the year he renounced Earth Day and vowed to the destroy the planet he once loved.\nPam: Oh my God, you guys, look. It's Recyclops.\nDwight: Recyclops destroys! [starts tearing through the office]\nStanley: Oh, is today Recyclops Day?\nDwight: Yes.\nStanley: I thought you were killed by Polluticorn.\nDwight: Polluticorn wishes. [starts spraying the office with something]\nAndy: That's aerosol spray. It's terrible for the environment.\nDwight: Humans are terrible for the environment.\nPam: The thing I like most about Recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child.\nJim: Mmm.\nPam: A world where you truly can be anything you want.\nJim: God bless you, Recyclops. And your cold robot heart. [Dwight throws an aluminum can towards the recycling bin and misses]\nMichael: [seated] Ok. Ok. How 'bout this? [rises, waves, sits back down]\nPam: That's great.\nMichael: I want it to be better than 'Great', Pam. How 'bout I remain seated... and I just do a little bit of a nod. Sort of a humble thing. [demonstrates]\nPam: Sure.\nMichael: Nope. Then my face is down. They can't see my face.\nMeredith: And it looks like you're taking a dump.\nMichael: Alan Brand is the CEO of the company, if title's important to you, has personally invited moi to go to New York to the shareholder's meeting and sit up on the stage with the board of directors. And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have. And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd... and the crowd goes wild.\nAndy: [doing an announcer voice] Ladies and gentlemen from Scranton, Pennsylvania, please welcome Michael 'The Machine' Scott. [Michael waves, twirls and sits down]\nPam: Don't do the twirl.\nPhyllis: Lose the twirl.\nDwight: The twirl sucks.\nKevin: Michael, I hated the twirl.\nAndy: [still doing the voice & spinning in his chair] Hate the twirl!\nMichael: Ok. Obviously I'm not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave.\nPhyllis: Yeah, good. Don't do it.\nMichael: I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It's not even a twirl, it's a spin. I might do the spin.\nOscar: The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and there's no where to get it.\nMichael: Ok, Oscar, I don't need the whole enchilada just the bullet points.\nOscar: Those are the bullet points.\nMichael: Well, could you condense it please?\nOscar: That's as simple as I can make it.\nErin: Michael? The limo's here for you.\nMichael: It's not a limo. It's a town car. Town cars are actually better, though. Better torque. Better handling.\nErin: He said limousine, so...\nKevin: [at window in conference room] Check it out, guys. There's a limo down here. [everyone heads to the conference room] Michael, look. Oh, man.\nMichael: They sent a limo.\nMichael: Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when they're in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.\nMichael: [everyone is rushing down the stairs to see the limo] Oh, wait. Wait. Wow. Wow! Oh, no way. Look at that.\nDwight: What kind of mileage does this baby get?\nErin: It's like what high school kids take to prom on tv shows.\nOscar: This is so typical of management to spend money on this. Ugh. Bunch of boobs.\nMichael: Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs.\nDwight: Calves. Calves all the way.\nAndy: I'm so jealous right now.\nMichael: Hey, you know who you should be jealous of? Yourself. Because you're invited and you're invited and you're invited and you and you and you and you and you and you-\nLimo Driver: Car seats eight.\nMichael: What?\nLimo Driver: The car seats eight.\nMichael: The limo seats eight. Ok. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.\nJim & Pam: No thanks.\nRyan: I'll use it when you're done.\nMichael: [others start raising their hands to be picked] Mmm... whoa.\nOscar: The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, morons and idiots. Because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And, as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.\nMichael: [in the limo with Dwight, Andy and Oscar] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.\nAndy: Hey, guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?\nMichael: Definitely.\nDwight: Smells like it.\nMichael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. That's bigger than my bed.\nDwight: Word.\nAndy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!\nMichael: [the limo driver raises the divider window] Who's playing with the button?\nJim: Hey, Ryan. Could you start consolidating all our Rolodex information into Outlook?\nRyan: Uh, it doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under.\nJim: But if the company doesn't go under then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program.\nRyan: The company's probably going under, though.\nJim: Could go either way.\nRyan: Seems like it's leaning one way.\nJim: Maybe we should just wait and find out.\nRyan: Definitely.\nJim: Ok.\nRyan: So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff?\nJim: Nah. Might as well do it now.\nAndy: Michael, what if somebody asks you a question at this meeting? Are you just gonna wave, or what?\nMichael: I will have to answer.\nDwight: I'll ask you a question.\nAndy: Make it a softball. Something he can, like, crank out of the park.\nDwight: Michael Scott you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?\nMichael: No, no. That's too hard. Say your name is Zamboni and then I will say, 'Well, we're sort of on thin ice.' [they all laugh] I won't say that. I'll something like that.\nAndy: This is your big day. Come on.\nMichael: Oh, my god. This is it.\nLaurie: Mr. Scott?\nMichael: Yes.\nLaurie: I'm Laurie.\nMichael: Oh, hi.\nLaurie: Thank you for joining us. Come with me.\nMichael: Well, thank you and, and please call - continue to call me Mr. Scott.\nLaurie: Ok. If you just want to follow me I'll take you up to the lounge.\nMichael: Well, I guess this is as far as I can take you guys. So -\nAndy: Kay.\nDwight: Good luck, Michael.\nMichael: See you later.\nMichael: [walking past bodyguards at the door] Officers. Thank you.\nLaurie: After you, Mr. Scott.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDavid: Michael.\nMichael: Hello.\nDavid: So glad you could make it.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDavid: How was the ride?\nMichael: Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime.\nDavid: I'm glad. I want to introduce you to everyone. First we'll start with Alan Brand. Alan? CEO. Michael Scott, Branch manager, Scranton.\nAlan: It's nice to meet you, Michael.\nMichael: It's nice to meet you, too. It's an honor and a privilege.\nDavid: Seated, we have the former congressman, Chris O'Keefe.\nMichael: Ah. [bows] Your eminence.\nRegistrar: For those of you with questions, please line up behind one of the four microphones that have been placed in the aisles.\nDwight: Coming through. Che, che, che, che, che, che. [spots microphone and gets in line, sees an empty mic and attempts to get there first] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. [a line appears from nowhere] Ah. Damn it. [ heads back to the original line which is now even longer] Wha- okay [grunts]\nDwight: I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district, pick up a few crates of my shirts. I got a shirt guy.\nOscar: Can you believe this? The money they spent on this convention hall. [finding a seat] Excuse me, miss. I just want to take the stupid board of directors by their necks. This is so simple.\nAndy: Yeah. Well, you should do that. Get in line.\nOscar: Oh, what a great idea and lose my job. No thank you.\nAndy: Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during the - America's biggest financial crisis?\nDwight: How is he gonna have grandkids?\nMichael: You guys ever protect the president?\nSecurity: No.\nMichael: What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?\nSecurity: Not supposed to talk about it. Nelly Furtado.\nAlan: Alright, guys. You ready?\nMichael: Rock and roll. [they walk into convention room and are booed by everyone]\nAlan: Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company. We are poised to come through this more streamlined and profitable than ever. [boos from the crowd]\nMichael: [to David] This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.\nDavid: It was fun when we weren't on the brink of bankruptcy.\nMichael: [accidentally into his microphone] We're going bankrupt, you think? [angry jeering from the crowd] They are really angry.\nAlan: The shareholders need to empower our leadership -\nWoman in line: I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save my place?\nMan in line: Sure.\nDwight: No. You will not.\nWoman in line: Excuse me?\nDwight: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you raised in a household with no consequences?\nWoman in line: It'll just be a second.\nDwight: Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.\nAlan: ... and we're confident. There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch manager.\nDwight: [loudly applauds] Yes.\nAlan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [scattered applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [applause]\nJim: Hey, Phyllis. Are you just getting back from lunch now?\nPhyllis: Bob took me to Capello's. We got a little tipsy.\nJim: Ok. You shouldn't be telling me that stuff and also shouldn't be taking two hour lunches without telling me.\nPhyllis: Oh, it's ok. Michael doesn't really care about these things.\nJim: I care about them and I'm just as much of a boss as Michael. [Stanley laughs] What's so funny? I'm a co-manager.\nStanley: That doesn't make you a boss.\nPhyllis: It's not like you can fire people or anything.\nJim: Well - who? How did you? Who, who told you this?\nPhyllis: Ryan.\nStanley: Can't say.\nPhyllis: Sorry. Plastered.\nJim: Ok. Who else has heard the rumor that I am not as much in charge as Michael? [everyone raises there hands - including Pam]\nPam: Stuff gets around. I don't participate.\nJim: Who here heard it from Ryan?\nKevin: Does and email count?\nJim: Yes.\nKevin: Yeah. [everyone raises hands again]\nJim: I am just as much of a boss as Michael and I can do anything that Michael can do. Alright? Who here believes that I have as much power as Michael? [Pam, after a moment, is the only one who raises her hand]\nPam: I forgot I have to support him no matter what. Close one.\nOscar: These questions are bush league.\nAndy: You should get up and say something. You've got to be true to what's in there. [points to Oscar's heart] Don't be a wuss.\nAndy: I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway, got a 1220, always regretted it. I feel lachrymose .\nDavid: [over the crowd booing] Believe me everyone is working very hard, working weekends, struggling, trying to right the ship.\nShareholder: You're a criminal.\nMichael: Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. These are not criminals. They are nice. They invited me to come here today. They invited me to their hospitality suite where I had free food and it was delicious. Get this. Know how nice they are? The sent a stretch limo all the way to pick me up in Scranton. That's -\nFemale Shareholder: Limousine?\nMichael: Yes.\nSecond Shareholder: You're all corrupt. You should be in jail. [crowd agrees]\nAlan: Quiet! Quiet, please! Please, quiet! Quiet, please. We want to hear your questions.\nRyan: Do you love her or do you love the idea of her?\nCreed: I don't know, man. I just don't know.\nJim: I gotta make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?\nPam: Can you actually fire people?\nJim: To be honest, I don't know, but maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.\nPam: Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.\nJim: Oh, well I yell. You've heard me yell.\nPam: Oh. Ok. I've heard you exclaim. Like the time you said, 'Hey, look. We parked over here!'.\nJim: Well, that was apple-picking day and there's no need to yell that day, you know. I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day.\nPam: Well, you'll figure it out.\nAlan: Ok. We're gonna take a 15 minute break and then we're gonna answer more questions.\nThird Shareholder: You haven't said anything yet and we're headed for bankruptcy. [crowd agrees]\nMichael: [board of directors has started to exit] Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. We'll be back with some answers. [a few murmurs from the crowd of 'What answers?'] I - ok. I know that you're mad at me and you're mad at all them -\nFourth Shareholder: How are you gonna fix the company?\nMichael: Ok. Alright. We are gonna - we're gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. We're gonna come back with a plan for you. It's a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track. [crowd starts to agree and perk up] 45 points. It's a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business. [crowd applauds] And you can take that to the bank. [applause continue] And Limo Lady, we are going completely carbon neutral. [crowd has gotten very excited and is cheering] I love you, New York! [Michael does the spin and leaves the stage - then runs back across the stage] You. You.\nJim: Hey, Ryan. How's it going?\nRyan: [playing Tetris on his computer] Here's the thing. Um, I've tried it like five different ways in my head and - Oh, got one. Um, I'm such a perfectionist...\nJim: Mmm-hmm.\nRyan: That I'd kinda rather not do it all then do a crappy version.\nJim: Simple data entry, though. So there's really only one way to do it.\nRyan: Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it. Do you wanna maybe just take a whack at it?\nJim: You know what?\nRyan: What?\nJim: I think I know the problem.\nRyan: Great.\nJim: I think you seem distracted.\nRyan: Yep, that is a problem.\nJim: But, you know what? I came up with something and I think it's really gonna help.\nRyan: Well, I'm glad you're finally being proactive, Jim.\nJim: I am, too. Let me show you.\nMichael: Wow. Things are really picking up.\nO'Keefe: What was that about?\nMichael: What?\nAlan: You were supposed to wave.\nMichael: I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.\nDavid: What are we supposed to tell them now? Ok? You've dug us quite a hole.\nMichael: We tell them the plan, right?\nDavid: There is no plan.\nMichael: Here's what we're gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined, we go with that. Day 45, company saved. Day 44, go. What do we got? We have 15 minutes.\nO'Keefe: Excuse me?\nMichael: Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out.\nO'Keefe: Who the hell is this guy?\nMichael: I am the guy who roused that crowd.\nDavid: Yes.\nMichael: Got them on their feet.\nDavid: Yes.\nMichael: They were so happy down there.\nDavid: Yes.\nAlan: Who cares?\nMichael: Ok. Alright. Well, I know a guy. This Mexican guy. He is a math whiz. He knows economics as well as he knows bull fighting and I am going to call in a little favor.\nDavid: No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't call anybody, Michael.\nMichael: Well, I'm texting him, so.\nDavid: Please do not text anybody, now, Michael.\nMichael: It's done. [Oscar, sitting in the lobby, receives a text]\nMichael: Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman, I would like you to meet Oscar. Come on in. Don't be shy. This is Oscar Martinez. Oscar, why don't you come over here. Let me present you. Step up. Step up there. Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation. Take it away. [Oscar stands there stunned]\nJim: I think this is really gonna help. If you could just hold up here one second. [addresses the whole office] Hey, guys. Quick announcement. If I could just have everyone's attention. [turns back to Ryan] I just figured you needed a place where you can concentrate and not be bothered by bothering people.\nRyan: Mmm-hmm.\nJim: Let me show you what I mean. [Jim opens the closet door to reveal a work station] Your new office. How great is that, right? For a job well done. Well, not done.\nRyan: I will, uh, I will do my work right now. I will stay late tonight.\nJim: Right.\nRyan: Uh, I'm very sorry... about everything.\nJim: [laughs] You're a good kid. You know what? It gets bigger once you're in there. Enjoy it. [shuts the door and walks to his office]\nRyan: [from behind the door] Is there internet?\nOscar: Ummm...\nMichael: Tell them what you told me. This is genius.\nOscar: Ok\nMichael: Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and - this is all -\nOscar: Um..\nMichael: It's all good. It's all good stuff. Lay it on them.\nOscar: I feel, as does Mr. Scott, that we are in the best of hands. Capable hands.\nMichael: That wasn't what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better.\nOscar: I think this has gone very well and I thank you.\nMichael: O-kay. Oh... hey, hey. [follows Oscar into the hall] What are you doing?\nOscar: Michael, I didn't ask to come up here.\nMichael: Wow, man. That -\nOscar: What?\nMichael: That was embarrassing.\nOscar: For me.\nMichael: For me, too. You embarrassed me.\nOscar: You -[Oscar walks away, Michael goes back in the room]\nMichael: Well, that was a waste of a text. Let's get down to brass tacks. I think that we might be in trouble. We don't seem to have a plan so I'm thinking I go down there. Maybe rattle off a few jokes. Congressman could follow.\nO'Keefe: He's our best manager? Where's the off button on this moron?\nMichael: Uh, I'm not a moron. Time after time my branch leads in sales. I have personally won over 17 Dundie awards. So, I am not a moron and I am just trying to help, you know? So... you're the moron.\nMichael: [zipping through the hall while texting]\nMichael: Yes it is a thrill to be honored by one's company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say, 'Wow. Great job.' That is what it is all about. Not the perks. Perks? The perks. I could take or leave the perks. Limos are for people who make the company money not lose millions and have no plan. So we're leaving early. After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.\nO'Keefe: He can take the bus. He's had his limo ride.\nMichael: [running out of the building with Oscar, Andy, and Dwight] Oscar! Oscar! Come on! There he is! There he is! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Scranton! Scranton! Scranton! Dunder Mifflin!\nAlan: The gentleman in the, uh, glasses.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute, Scranton branch. I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day and if this line is any indication of how this company is being run then we are in big trouble. [cheers from crowd] Thank you. Right. I know. And I just want to say that I believe that there are options out there. [crowd still applauding] A take a number option like they have in a deli. What about line varieties? Like an express line for quick comments of ten words or less. They can move much more efficiently. What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to.\nAlan: Thank you. Thank you for your suggestions.\nDwight: Yeah."}
{"text": "Andy: You wanted to see me?\nMichael: Yeah, Have a seat.\nAndy: Is it serious? [Michael stares] Wow. Andy's a wittle scared.\nMichael: Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.\nAndy: Why would people say that?\nMichael: I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard] Can you read that back to me?\nAndy: Andy have a boo-boo tummy.\nMichael: Mmm-hmm.\nAndy: Would you rather me say 'Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?'\nMichael: Okay.\nAndy: Crazy diarrhea happening right now?' Cause things can get real adult real fast.\nMichael: You are also on record as saying 'wittle-ittle,' 'footy-wutties,' 'nummies,' 'jammies,' 'make boom-boom,' 'widiculous,' and 'wode iwand.'\nAndy: Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy.\nMichael: You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.\nAndy: Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.\nMichael: Okay, who said that?\nAndy: I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic.\nMichael: [Elvis voice] Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops.\nAndy: [baby voice] Tank you Mr. Elwis.\nMichael: [as Elvis] You're welcome, baby.\nAndy: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.\nJim: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?\nAndy: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.\nJim: Wow, what do you put our chances at?\nAndy: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!\nJim: Hmm, sounds risky.\nAndy: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.\nAndy: Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.\nJim: Wow, that's not such a bad idea.\nAndy: Great! [sits down]\nJim: Anything else?\nAndy: Nope! [stands up and leaves]\nErin: Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those.\nMichael: Keep.\nErin: There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say 'Delivered.' Should I delete all of those?\nMichael: I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.\nErin: That's why you have a 'Sent Mail' folder.\nMichael: Keep.\nErin: There's about 30 news alerts for 'Nip Slip.'\nMichael: For what?\nErin: Nip slip.'\nMichael: Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there...\nErin: Well...\nMichael: Must be hackers.\nJim: Hey. What's up?\nMichael: What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?\nJim: Did you murder someone?\nMichael: Worse than that.\nErin: Oh, my God.\nMichael: Lurk much? [Erin leaves] I miss Pam.\nJim: I think she's okay.\nMichael: Is that what we're going for now? 'okay?' We used to go for 'pretty good.'\nJim: Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program?\nMichael: Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but...\nJim: You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager.\nMichael: Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.\nJim: It would look bad. Sorry.\nMichael: It would look good, on my mantle.\nAndy: Jim's talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea!\nDwight: Yeah! Your idea.\nDwight: My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired.\nErin: Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory?\nPam: [glances at it] Looks great.\nErin: Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.\nPam: Okay. [picks up and reads sheet] The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?\nMichael: There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.\nPhyllis: What's 'Scott's Tots?'\nStanley: Has it really been ten years?\nStanley: [shows newspaper article and reads] 'Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders'\nPam: Michael, why did you promise that?\nMichael: To change lives.\nPam: No Michael, why would you promise that?\nMichael: Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this.\nErin: We've already rescheduled seven times.\nPam: Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done.\nMichael: Well...\nPam: It's terrible.\nMichael: No.\nPam: Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get.\nMichael: I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.\nMichael: Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?\nPam: No!\nMichael: I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right.\nPam: You have to tell them.\nMichael: Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... [makes yuck face at Erin]\nErin: I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it.\nPam: It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth.\nMichael: Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse?\nDwight: Hey Jimmy, what's up?\nJim: Not much.\nDwight: Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.\nJim: [laughs] Thanks Dwight.\nDwight: That laugh is so infectious.\nJim: You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go.\nDwight: I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.\nJim: Let me guess, you think you should get it.\nDwight: This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.\nJim: Well, in an ideal world...\nDwight: In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.\nJim: Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away 'Survival Skills' and 'Self-defense.'\nDwight: I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data.\nJim: That's okay, I'll do it.\nMikela: Mr. Scott?\nMichael: Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?\nMikela: I'm good.\nMichael: Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone?\nMikela: It's in the music room, Mr. Scott.\nMichael: Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.\nErin: Wow!\nMichael: Well, you didn't even hear it.\nMikela: Everyone's so excited that you're here today.\nMichael: Oh, good.\nMikela: Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first?\nMichael: Sure.\nErin: [points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room] You're famous.\nMikela: I'm sure you remember this place.\nMichael: Oh, yeah.\nMikela: Do you want to go in?\nMichael: No, not at all. Nope, come on.\nMichael: Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just...\nMikela: We just want to say thanks.\nMichael: Oh.\nStudents: [cheering] Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!\nTeacher: Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you.\nStudents: [getting up and dancing] Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!\nLefevre: You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable!\nStudents: Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!\nMichael: Wow!\nDwight: Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in-\nKevin: Hey.\nDwight: So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.\nKevin: Jim said that?\nDwight: He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.\nKevin: Jim said that?\nDwight: You seem suprised.\nKevin: No, no, that makes total sense.\nDwight: Hey buddy, so every-\nOscar: Sure. [puts in the twenty]\nDwight: Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.\nTeacher: Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much.\nLefevre: There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama.\nMichael: [crying] Oh, God. Oh, God.\nJim: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is?\nAndy: Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert.\nEveryone: Huh? What?\nOscar: Are you kidding me?\nDwight: Oh, no!\nJim: Okay, wait, I was not... I did not-\nKevin: I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not?\nJim: Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score.\nAngela: To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us.\nJim: Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize.\nAngela: Yes!\nJim: Dwight?\nDwight: Yeah, you said 'In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize.' Isn't that what you said?\nJim: No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But-\nPhyllis: Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money.\nTeacher: Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott.\nMichael: All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between 'A' gym and 'B' gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go?\nTeacher: Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period\nMichael: Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?\nZion: I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother.\nMichael: Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry.\nMichael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.\nMikela: You lied to us.\nMichael: I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.\nLefevre: You owe this to us!\nMichael: Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. [students perk up] Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you.\nStudents: [yelling]\nMichael: Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium.\nJim: Look, there was a big mistake obviously, so I will fix it. Okay? This was your idea anyway.\nAndy: Correction. It was my idea.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: My idea!\nCreed: Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant.\nPam: Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.\nPhyllis: That's fair.\nDwight: Excellent idea, Pam.\nPam: Thank you.\nAndy: That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert.\nPhyllis: How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible?\nDwight: There must be some reasonable explanation for this.\nPam: No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.\nAndy: Oh, really? From what, two to four?\nPam: Yup.\nJim: Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay?\nDeliveryman: Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert.\nJim: Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake.\nKevin: Look who it is! [shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim]\nAngela: It could only be you!' Way to go.\nDwight: He knew all along!\nKelly: I'm going to have some cake.\nStephanie: David Wallace's office.\nDwight: [imitating Kevin] This is Kevin Malone, is David there?\nStephanie: No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message?\nDwight: Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam.\nDwight: [imitating Stanley] This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.\nDwight: [imitating Toby] It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.\nLefevre: Hey, Mr. Scott.\nMichael: Erin, can you give us a second?\nLefevre: That was messed up what you did.\nMichael: Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.\nLefevre: Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that?\nMichael: What can I do?\nLefevre: You can pay for my college.\nMichael: I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?\nLefevre: They're expensive.\nMichael: Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?\nLefevre: It's about $1,000.\nMichael: Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year.\nLefevre: No, $1,000 each year.\nMichael: For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around.\nLefevre: Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa.\nMichael: That's a lot of zeroes.\nJim: This is Jim.\nDavid Wallace: Jim, what the hell is happening there?\nJim: Hey, uh David.\nDavid: Yes.\nJim: So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it.\nDavid: Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife?\nJim: No.\nDavid: Am I missing something?\nJim: I really don't know how it happened, David.\nDwight: I know how it happened.\nDavid: Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion.\nJim: All right, it will not happen again. I promise.\nDavid: Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you.\nDwight: No!\nDavid: It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right?\nDwight: What?\nJim: Yeah. Thank you.\nDwight: No.\nDavid: Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend?\nDwight: What?\nJim: Yes.\nDavid: Okay.\nDwight: Oh, you're kidding me!\nJim: See you.\nDwight: Damn it!\nErin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do-\nMichael: Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.\nErin: No.\nMichael: Yes.\nErin: No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy.\nMichael: You're what, like, 12?\nErin: The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think.\nMichael: I think you're doing a great job.\nErin: Really?\nMichael: What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business?\nErin: I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant.\nMichael: Really?\nErin: Yes, but I'm terrible at math so...\nMichael: You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.\nErin: Seriously?\nMichael: Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too.\nMichael and Erin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true.\nJim: See you tomorrow, Dwight.\nDwight: Apparently.\nRyan: How's it going? Good day?\nDwight: Not now, Temp.\nRyan: Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan.\nDwight: What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... [Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan]\nRyan: I found a copy of it in the copier tray.\nDwight: So what do you want?\nRyan: I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in."}
{"text": "Dwight: [yelling] Attention everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of-\nJim: Too loud.\nDwight: #NAME?\nJim: Too, too loud. Too Loud.\nDwight: But effective, look! [everyone turns to pay attention] On behalf of Jim and I, Merry Christmas.\nEveryone: Merry Christmas.\nDwight: Merry Christmas. Good.\nDwight: My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.\nDwight: It is time to unveil the tree.\nOscar: Hey, Rockefeller Center!\nJim: Yeah.\nRyan: Uh, I have actually been to Rock Center, and this is nothing like that.\nJim: This is all we have.\nRyan: Ugh.\nJim: No, it's not 'ugh.' It is... office camaraderie.\nDwight: It is warm feelings.\nMeredith: Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it?\nDwight: Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! [others join]\nJim: Why would you start so high?\nDwight: Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ...\nJim: Three, two, one! [pulls sheet to reveal Christmas tree]\nPhyllis: Ooh.\nPam: Ah!\nPhyllis: You didn't decorate it?\nJim: No.\nDwight: Exactly.\nJim: We didn't, because we think it'd be better to do it together.\nDwight: Everyone.\nAndy: Why would you wrap it in a sheet, if you're not covering anything up?\nPam: Is it, is it fake?\nJim: Pam!\nDwight: Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never die...\nJim: Yes.\nDwight: Like the spirit of Christmas!\nStanley: We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree?\nDwight: This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas!\nErin: Hello. Sorry guys. [louder, face is scratched up.] Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas? As my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop.\nKelly: What psycho would send that as a gift? [Kelly hugs Erin]\nAndy: I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds? [six geese are inside Erin's car]\nPhyllis: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus!\nDwight: Hey Santa!\nOscar: They finally let you do it!\nPhyllis: Yeah!\nKevin: Congrats Phil!\nErin: It's so edgy!\nPhyllis: I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [she awkwardly hugs Jim] It's been a long journey... but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus!\nPam: So Santa, what can we expect from this party?\nPhyllis: It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good!\nCreed: What if you've been bad?\nPhyllis: Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you!\nCreed: What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong?\nJim: Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal!\nPhyllis: Yeah.\nDwight: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea, for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself... in jail!\nPam: You know Oscar every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box!\nOscar: That's funny.\nPam: Is it funny? I thought it was more ...interesting, than funny. [she walks over to see Oscar at the window looking down on man catching a football in parking lot] I think my water just broke!\nOscar: That's too funny.\nPam: Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!\nMichael: Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. [points to Pam's' pregnant tummy]\nPam: Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis.\nMichael: What the hell is going on?\nMichael: Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Phyllis?\nJim: Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it.\nMichael: Take it back. That is absurd.\nJim: No, I'm not gonna do that.\nMichael: No? No! Jim! Come on!\nJim: I think she's doing a good job.\nMichael: It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!\nJim: I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa.\nMichael: Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.\nMichael: If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably 'freedom.' At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.\nMichael: [santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!\nGroup: [mutters] Okay...\nMichael: No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name?\nKevin: Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap.\nMichael: Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.\nKevin: When can I sit on your lap?\nMichael: Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God.\nKevin: That's really comfortable. [Michael gasps]\nMichael: What would you like for Christmas little boy?\nKevin: I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.\nMichael: What did you think was going to happen?\nKevin: I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.\nMichael: All right, just say 'some toys' please.\nKevin: Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list.\nMichael: Damn it Kevin, come on.\nKevin: What about if I tell you the things I don't want?\nMichael: Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!\nKevin: I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted!\nMichael: Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.\nKevin: Awesome.\nPhyllis: Well?\nJim: I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa.\nPhyllis: The only Santa.\nJim: That's what I want.\nPhyllis: You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved!\nJim: What would Bob do?\nPhyllis: Never mind, I shouldn't have said that.\nAndy: Does it hurt?\nErin: It stings a lot.\nAndy: Hmm.\nErin: I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts.\nAndy: I know, right?\nErin: So far no one will admit to it.\nAndy: Huh!\nErin: Is it you? [Andy stage face, eyes pop, big mouth smile, Erin laughs]\nAndy: Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me.\nErin: Seriously?\nAndy: Seriously?' Are you serious?\nErin: What?\nAndy: Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Santa! Busted!\nOscar: There he is.\nDaryl: Hey.\nOscar: Is Matt around? I got his check.\nDaryl: Uh, Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here, I'll take it.\nOscar: Ah, I'll just... wait for him.\nDaryl: Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think?\nOscar: I'll just leave it here with you. [drops checks, leaves. Daryl smirks]\nMichael: Ryan come here!\nRyan: Whoa, whoa.\nMichael: Come on, come on.\nRyan: I'm doing something over here.\nMichael: Ahhh... Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here!\nRyan: What are you talking about?\nMichael: Just sit down!\nRyan: No no no.\nJim: Hey hey hey. Everything okay?\nMichael: Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!\nJim: Can I just talk to you for a second?\nMichael: Whoop! Okay, what?\nJim: You can't yell out 'I need this, I need this' as you pin down an employee on your lap!\nMichael: Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless!\nJim: Yup.\nMichael: Do you understand, you forced my hand?\nJim: Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa.\nMichael: Oh, do we? Do 'We?' Is that what 'we' want? Why don't 'we' take a vote on it?\nJim: Great!\nMichael: Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are-\nJim: Who wants Phyllis as Santa? [most everyone raises their hand]\nMichael: No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we -[Dwight counts the raised hands] Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me?\nKevin: Michael I had you. I just want to try Phyllis.\nJim: And if you want Michael as Santa, raise your hand. [Michael, then Dwight raises hand] Can I get you some punch?\nMichael: I'll get some punch. That looks delicious. [shoves Santa hat into punch]\nOffice: Aw, Michael!\nDwight: Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger.\nPhyllis: How do you know it's a gun?\nDwight: What else does it look like?\nStanley: Not a gun.\nDwight: Well I don't have all the pieces yet.\nStanley: Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun.\nDwight: Not a gun. [crosses gun off his 'what could it be' list]\nPhyllis: In the North Pole I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys. So today, let's put a twinkle in Ole Kris Kringle's eye! Let the party begin! [Dwight plugs in tree lights, office applauds.]\nMichael: I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and ...broach pendants. 'Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself.' That's not - I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me.\nMichael: Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget.\nToby: Wow Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is.\nMichael: Oh the Anti-Christ!\nToby: You can't, [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion.\nMichael: Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying?\nToby: No!\nMichael: Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!\nAndy: Hey Phyllis, could you not reveal to Erin that I'm her Secret Santa?\nPhyllis: All right sweetie, I'll tell her its Michael.\nAndy: Okay.\nKelly and Erin: [singing] I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day...\nPam: Have you talked to him?\nOscar: Who?\nPam: Matt?\nOscar: Is it that obvious? [Pam starts towards Matt] No- hey...\nPam: Mmm! Good pate, right? [Matt nods yes] Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar?\nMatt: I don't think so.\nPam: Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your pate.\nMatt: I had some.\nPam: Oscar's pate is great. I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the good ones are never straight, right?\nOscar: Okay Pam.\nPam: Okay.\nPam: Yes! They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.\nPhyllis: This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch!\nDwight: We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package]\nMichael: [on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit?\nDwight: Yes! [Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part]\nMichael: Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts...\nPhyllis: Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year -\nStanley: I have.\nMichael: [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?\nKevin: He got scented candles!\nMichael: [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley.\nAngela: Amen.\nPhyllis: And this brings us to you, little one.\nMichael: [on microphone] I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up.\nAngela: It's fabric! I really wanted this.\nMichael: [on microphone] That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.\nAngela: Andy, is this you?\nMichael: [on microphone] No!\nPhyllis: It's a secret.\nMichael: [on microphone] Andy had Erin.\nAndy: Nnnnya.\nMichael: [on microphone] What? Was I not supposed to say it? [Jim unplugs mic] What? Turn it back on.\nJim: No. [Michael gets up and walks into his office]\nDavid: Yes Michael, what is so urgent?\nMichael: David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.\nDavid: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up.\nMichael: I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.\nDavid: Michael...\nMichael: I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.\nDavid: Michael-\nMichael: What?\nDavid: This is a very very bad time.\nMichael: Really? What's going on?\nDavid: Stephanie, can you hop off please?\nStephanie: Sure David. [disconnect]\nMichael: What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?\nErin: Do you want me off the call too Michael?\nMichael: Hey! Get off! Get off the phone!\nDavid: Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house.\nMichael: What does that mean?\nDavid: I'll be fired.\nMichael: Well, can't Alan protect you?\nDavid: Alan will be out too. All of us.\nMichael: All of us?\nDavid: Goodbye Michael.\nMichael: Oh my God.\nMichael: Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.\nMichael: Hey. How's everybody doing?\nJim: Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half.\nMichael: That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus.\nAngela: Are you serious? This is so offensive.\nMichael: You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some... jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room.\nDwight: What's your pin number?\nMichael: I don't want to say. But, 'it's fun to stay at the -' [nods to fill in blank, but Dwight doesn't know]\nMichael: It's fun to stay at the -'\nDwight: Where? Holiday Inn? I don't ...\nMichael: [gestures the YMCA dance] Mmm, mm mm mm. [Dwight smirks, leaves]\nAndy: I, I thought that you would like it.\nErin: It was a little much Andy.\nAndy: Well it's the thought that counts.\nErin: What were you thinking? [Andy freezes]\nAndy: I suppose a gentlemen might... throw in the towel, at this point. Guess what? Not gonna happen.\nMichael: You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, 'How could they do this to us?'\nJim: What?\nPam: How could we do what? [general murmur]\nMichael: It's not... Nevermind. Nothing. [arguing voices]\nStanley: We deserve to know.\nMichael: I didn't say anything!\nAngela: If you know something Michael...\nMichael: We're going out of business!\nGroup: WHAT?\nJim: What?\nDwight: You are kidding me!\nJim: Wait wait wait, who said that?\nMichael: David told me on the phone. David told me.\nDwight: When? When did he tell you? Today?\nMichael: Earlier today.\nDwight: Awww!\nMichael: He said, we have been sold. [upset murmurs]\nJim: What?\nDwight: Aaaarrhh! [kicks over Christmas tree]\nMichael: Dwight! Jesus!\nAngela: Come on!\nJim: Michael, wait. So they said we are sold?\nMichael: David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone.\nJim: Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things.\nMichael: It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith.\nMeredith: No, I get it.\nMichael: I'll call him. I'll call David.\nJim: No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone.\nMichael: Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him.\nMichael: He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.\nDavid: Hey Sweetie, what is it?\nMichael: It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott.\nDavid: What the hell?\nMichael: Stephanie could you hop off please?\nDavid: Michael, I have never-\nMichael: David!\nDavid: Ever, ever...\nMichael: David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse.\nDwight: Hey David.\nKelly: Hi David! [group hellos]\nDavid: Hello everyone.\nMichael: David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned.\nDavid: You weren't supposed to tell anyone Michael.\nMichael: Well I think we're past that now.\nDavid: I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan, myself, a few other execs you don't know.\nJim: Oh my God, David. That's horrible.\nMeredith: How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.\nDavid: Look. They're buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations.\nMichael: We're not fired?\nDavid: No! No, and congratulations.\nMichael: Yeah! [office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs] It's a Christmas miracle!\nDwight: Yeah!\nMichael: Woo hoo! [climbs on desk, stage dives into crowd of employees]\nDwight: [singing] I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone. [Meredith and Madge help right the Christmas tree]\nDwight: It's true. We all walk alone.\nKelly: [opens 'New Moon' poster] Jim... Jim! [Hugs him]\nDwight: [singing] My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating...\nToby: [opening kite from Ryan] Wow! Cause... [reveals Kite Runner book]\nRyan: Yeah! That was the idea.\nToby: Thank you!\nRyan: Awesome!\nToby: Thanks man! [awkwardly tries to hug Ryan, pats him on the back]\nKevin: [singing] Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging...\nMichael: Oh! You got it? What is that? [Dwight building his gift]\nDwight: I have no idea.\nMichael: Huh. Well, maybe those will help. [puts bag of walnuts on his desk]\nDwight: Michael? Please! Come on!\nMatt: Nice to meet you Oscar.\nOscar: Nice to meet you Mark!\nMatt: It's Matt.\nOscar: Right, Matt. [Matt leaves] I know what I'm doing, Pam.\nDwight: Oh man! [Dwight dropped a walnut into the nutcracker] I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails...\nMichael: Hi Santa.\nPhyllis: Hi Michael. [Michael sits on her lap] Mm. 'kay.\nMichael: I'd like to make a wish.\nPhyllis: What?\nMichael: I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry.\nPhyllis: An Xbox it is. Because I've decided you're a good boy.\nBob Vance: Scott! What in the hell is going on here? [Bob enters dressed as Santa too]\nPhyllis: No Bob, we worked it out.\nMichael: You called Bob?\nPhyllis: I'm sorry,\nMichael: Come on! Phyllis!\nPhyllis: I'm really sorry. It was earlier today.\nMichael: Okay.\nPhyllis: Hi sweetie.\nBob: You okay baby?\nPhyllis: I'm good baby. [they kiss, both dressed as Santa]\nMichael: Oh God. Get a room Santas!\nMichael: Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays.\nDwight: It's real slippery out here. [sound of drummer's starts]\nJim: Oh my God!\nPam: Twelve drummers drumming. [marching drum band lines up to perform, Andy steps out with cymbals]\nAndy: Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys! [dances along to the drumming]"}
{"text": "Michael: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.\nEric: Hi -\nComputron: [Dwight using a robotic voice over the PA system] Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything.\nEric: Hello.\nMichael: [entering on a Segway Scooter] I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?\nComputron: Yes.\nMichael: What is the world's largest ocean?\nComputron: Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!\nMichael: Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?\nAndy: Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.\nMichael: That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.\nPam: Hello.\nComputron: The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.\nPam: Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao.\nPam: It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are.\nMichael: Hello, Stanley.\nFake Stanley: Hi.\nPam: For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it.\nEric: Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here.\nMichael: Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -\nEric: Right.\nMichael: - since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?\nEric: Yeah.\nMichael: They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.\nComputron: Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.\nMichael: No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.\nComputron: Are you calling me wrong?\nMichael: [sighs] Oh, my God.\nEric: It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker.\nMichael: Alright. Excuse me. [slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there] If you will -\nRyan: Michael, do you think I could get a space heater -\nMichael: - follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. [Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby]\nDwight: Oh, we will. Have a seat. [Michael gives a pleased look then exits]\nMichael: I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.\nEric: So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character.\nDwight: He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?\nToby: What are, are you doing at my desk?\nDwight: Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.\nToby: Come on, Dwight. Get out of here.\nDwight: Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. [laughs] Welcome. [Dwight exits]\nToby: Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?\nEric: Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?\nToby: What do you mean?\nEric: Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits.\nToby: Um... nothing comes to mind. [clip montage]\nEric: So, the staff?\nToby: Mm-hmm.\nEric: Are people generally happy?\nToby: [laughing] Happy's a funny word.\nEric: In what way?\nToby: You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. [shakes head] Keep philosophers busy for awhile.\nEric: So... generally?\nToby: Yes.\nEric: Generally.\nToby: Generally happy. [clip montage]\nEric: [whispering] Generally happy.\nEric: What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that?\nToby: Oh, I don't know.\nEric: You, you don't know.\nToby: I don't know.\nEric: You're the head of Human Resources.\nToby: I don't know. No.\nEric: Ok. [clip montage]\nToby: I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.\nMichael: Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?\nToby: Well, Eric's just going over some stuff.\nMichael: Stuff. I love stuff.\nToby: It's, uh, it's HR stuff.\nMichael: HR stuff? [pulls up a chair] HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. [pointing to Eric's notes] What is that? What kind of stuff is that?\nEric: It's uh, it's a company evaluation form.\nMichael: Ah.\nEric: Talkin' bout, uh -\nMichael: Talkin' bout, uh, what?\nEric: Waste is next.\nMichael: Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?\nEric: No, waste of time and resources.\nMichael: Oh, time and resources.\nToby: Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees -\nMichael: No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. [clip montage]\nEric: Is anyone near retirement age? [Michael and Toby look at each other - Creed clip montage]\nEric: [on the phone] Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile.\nMichael: This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. [to Toby] Right? Would you agree with that?\nToby: Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.\nMichael: That's, that is true. [clip montage]\nDwight: [as Eric is being escorted out by Michael and Toby] Thank you, so much.\nKevin: Thank you.\nAngela: Thank you.\nEric: Thank you. It's nice to meet you all.\nPam: Good to meet you.\nAngela: Have a great day.\nDwight: Hope to see you soon.\nKevin: Yeah.\nMichael: I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? [clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle]\nMichael: I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.\nComputron: Computron experiencing emotion.\nMichael: Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?\nComputron: Ok.\nMichael: Just - sh -\nComputron: [after a pause] Please don't. Computron -\nMichael: Shut -\nComputron: wants to live.\nMichael: Shut up. Shut up.\nMichael: [extended Lazy Scranton video] Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'.\nDwight: Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty.\nMichael: So check out how we live\nBoth: in the Electric City!\nMichael: They call it Scranton!\nDwight: What?\nMichael: The Electric City. Scranton!\nDwight: What?\nMichael: The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider.\nDwight: But check that it's covered by your\nBoth: Healthcare Provider!\nMichael: Plenty of space in the parking lot.\nDwight: But the little cars go in the compact spot!\nBoth: Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot. Spot.\nMichael: Snack attack time.\nDwight: Don't lose your head.\nMichael: We like Cugino's\nBoth: for the tasty bread.\nMichael: They call it Scranton!\nDwight: What?\nMichael: The Electric City. Scranton!\nDwight: What?\nMichael: The Electric City. Scranton!\nDwight: What?\nMichael: The Electric City. Scranton!\nDwight: What?\nMichael: The Electric City. Scranton!\nDwight: [pause] What?\nMichael: Ugh."}
{"text": "Michael: Oh, yeah. [clapping and chanting] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Erin]\nErin: [clapping] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Oscar]\nOscar: I think you don't know what you're saying.\nMichael: It's from 'Sob-ray', our new owner, and it is to Sabre, us. I wonder what's inside. Scissor me. [Erin tosses Michael open scissors, Pam is appalled]\nMichael: Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre. [mispronounced 'sob-ray'] They stepped in at the 11th hour, and they saved our asses. Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could have saved our own asses. We didn't need them touching our asses.\nMichael: Oh! [rips open cardboard box] Wow. Awesome. [distributing items] For accounting, a brand new printer. And for the sales staff, a new fax machine. This cord has Creed written all over it. And whoever would like a brand new scanner can come visit it in my office. Thank you.\nDwight: Here we go. [scans stuffed animal] Oh! Wow.\nMichael: Cool. What next? [Dwight puts his face on scanner]\nErin: Guys, um, who's Gabe? This note says to put the box aside for Gabe Lewis, who's coming tomorrow?\nMichael: Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control -\nDwight: Impulsivity and inattention to detail.\nMichael: Hey, hey. I have opened a box, which should not have been opened...\nDwight: Terrible mistake.\nMichael: And distributed things which should not have been distributed.\nDwight: Undistributable.\nPam: Well, maybe we can put the box back together.\nDwight: Impossible. He opened it like an ape.\nOscar: I think we can do it.\nPam: [Pam and Oscar are trying to repack cardboard box] Yep, yep.\nOscar: Right? Mm. Did we try printer first? Shredder at an angle -\nPam: Yep.\nOscar: Fax, cable, then the scanner upside down?\nPam: Yes.\nCreed: Have you tried making everything smaller?\nMichael: And - [Jim seals box with tape, rips covered with stickers] Wow. Really nice job. This group of people, when they put their minds together, they can do something great. And I think that you should all be proud of yourselves. [cell phone starts ringing from inside box]\nPam: Oh, Michael.\nMichael: Alright, relax. We can do it. We just did it. So we can do this again. Erin, scissor me please. [Erin tosses open scissors across Jim and Pam]\nPam: No, don't!\nMichael: [fumbles] Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok.\nMichael: Alright, he's on his way up. Okay. Are we ready?\nPam: What do you want us to do?\nMichael: Why do I have to explain everything?\nPam: Because we're usually not on the same page.\nMichael: Okay. [starts round of applause]\nGabe: Oh. Okay. And to you. [begins applauding]\nMichael: Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is. [holding up photo of him and Wallace] You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons.\nDwight: Welcome. Scranton hot dog from Scranton?\nMichael: You know what, Dwight? Let's give him a minute to settle in, shall we? Ok?\nGabe: Um, hi, uh, my name is Gabe Lewis. I am coordinating director for merging regions.\nMichael: Hello, Gabe. I am Michael Scott, co-manager. This is my protege, Jim Halpert.\nJim: Co-manager, actually.\nMichael: In training.\nJim: Trained. Loving it. Good at it. So...\nGabe: We are very impressed with this branch and we are so excited about this merger.\nMichael: We're very excited too, aren't we guys? Right?\nDwight: So excited.\nMichael: We have a little song prepared for you.\nGabe: Um, actually, if you don't mind, I would love to put this on the Sabre website. [correctly pronounced 'say-ber']\nMichael: Sabre. Say-ber. Sabre.\nDwight: Oh. Of course.\nMichael: Yes, say-ber. Good. Take it away guys.\nAndy: Ok. [playing guitar to the tune of Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA]\nAndy & Erin: [singing] Hopped off the train in Scranton, PA, another cloudy gray afternoon. Jumped in the cab, here you are for the first time, look to the right see the 'Electric City' sign. This is gonna be good day, for Dunder Mifflin and Sob-ray. Sab - [guitar stops]\nMichael: Saber.\nAndy: Saber. [sings] Dunder Mifflin and Saber. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay.\nAndy & Erin: Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sob-ray. So yeah, yeah, yay, yay. Dunder Mifflin is a part of Sabre. [music stops]\nAndy: You sure it's saber?\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Thank you. Hey, we should be fine if we leave around 11:20.\nPam: Oh, you mapquested it. It's four blocks away.\nJim: Well, now we won't get lost. Or we could drive. And that takes one minute.\nPam: We found a great local daycare. It's rated really high by all the local parenting websites. But that means it's also really hard to get into.\nJim: Turns out, a lot of parents want the very best for their children. That's weird.\nPam: We're hoping our interview seals the deal.\nJim: But if not, there's always the army. The infantry.\nPam: Okay. Okay. Yeah.\nChristian Slater: So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi. I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will.\nJo Bennett: You'll find it easy to embrace the Sabre spirit. Welcome. We're very excited to go on this journey with you.\nJim: [Christian Slater impression] So you've been shown a nonsensical video. You're probably wondering, 'What's going on?' Well, you're not alone.\nMichael: Wow. Really terrific.\nGabe: Most of our business comes from selling printers. So don't think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore, but as printer salesmen who also sell paper.\nMichael: Perfect.\nMichael: No. Don't like that.\nGabe: At Sabre, we really encourage honest communication. You should always feel free to express your thoughts, your -\nMeredith: Talk about vacation days!\nGabe: We have a policy here at Sabre where we are, uh, allowed to take two weeks.\nOscar: But I banked six weeks.\nAngela: I already booked a Great Lakes cruise.\nMeredith: Hey, who the hell's going through our stuff?\nGabe: Actually, that's Nick. He's your new IT guy. Uh, he's setting up a site blocker. Mostly blocking the inappropriate sites. And then there are the time-wasting sites like Twitter, YouTube. We are blocking those as well.\nMichael: Mm, nope. Don't like that.\nGabe: Ok, did everyone get one? With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles, which are the scourge of the environment.\nMichael: We'll still get to use the little cups, though, right?\nGabe: Little cups? Like paper or plastic or... ?\nMichael: I don't know what they're made of.\nDwight: They're 2 ounce paper cups dipped in plastic. He goes through 20 a day.\nGabe: Ok, well, I bet you can fit 20 little cups of water in your aluminum bottle.\nMichael: You know what can't fit in a bottle, are the 20 little trips I take to the cooler, and the 20 little scans I do of everybody to make sure everything's running smoothly. And the 20 little conversations that I have with Stanley.\nStanley: That's ok.\nMichael: There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck ba -\nMichael: [in line to fill up water bottle behind Kevin and Toby] Really? You don't have enough water in there? Your stomach?\nToby: Oop.\nMichael: What?\nToby: Looks like we kicked it. [indicates water jug is empty]\nMichael: I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.\nMichael: I don't want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabre's doing for us.\nGabe: Oh, I don't get that sense at all from you, so...\nMichael: Well, you should have a little. But it's great that you don't, because I am trying to embrace all of these changes, but I'm - I'll be honest, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around a couple of 'em.\nGabe: Which ones?\nMichael: All of them.\nGabe: Well, I wish that I could do something, but it's kind of policy, you know? Above my pay grade. You know?\nMichael: So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. I'm good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups?\nGabe: You know what? Let me see what I can do.\nJim: [after entering daycare] Ok, this is officially the cutest thing I've ever seen. Cubbies. I totally forgot about cubbies.\nPam: There's a finger-painting station and a curly slide. Am I too old to go here?\nJim: Oh. Adorable, right? [opens kiddie bathroom, sees man on toilet] I walked in on someone in the bathroom.\nPam: What?\nJim: I just walked in on someone in the bathroom.\nPam: Who? The -\nJim: I don't know. I don't know.\nPam: The guy we're meeting with?\nJim: I don't know, I don't know.\nAndy: I am telling you, there are no strawberries in here.\nErin: Well, I saw them in there.\nAndy: Well maybe they ran away, because the pizza was like, [imitating Italian accent] 'Hey, get out of here, you stupid strawberries.'\nErin: I think when Andy finally asks me out he's going to try to top what he did with the drum line. I can't wait to see what he comes up with.\nAndy: The ball's totally in Erin's court. After the whole drum line thing.\nGabe: [on videochat] First let me say that I told them everything you wanted me to say, in just the way you wanted me to say it, so...\nJo: Gabe, honey, I love this. I love the sound of your voice. But I really need some new information now.\nGabe: Ok, um, I told the story of your uncle, and I have a feeling that you would have [Michael gesturing behind computer] really been proud of the way... Okay, um...\nJo: Wait a minute, who is it? Who's there? Is there somebody in the room with you? [Michael gesturing 'no'] I want to see who it is. Turn me around.\nGabe: I don't - it's just...\nJo: Turn me around. Now. [Michael starts to leave, Jo whistles] Hey, Buddy. Is it something I said?\nMichael: Hello. No. My name's Michael Scott. Hello.\nJo: Oh, hello, Mr. Scott. Pleased to meet you.\nMichael: Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent.\nJo: Aw, thank you. I've been working on it since I was a little girl. To, um, to what do I owe the pleasure of this videochat?\nMichael: Well, I am little concerned with all of these changes, to be quite frank. I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin for quite some time, and -\nJo: Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott, but the last time I saw a company as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin, it was my grandson's snowball company, so you'll excuse me if I prefer that you all adapt to the way that we do things.\nMichael: Ok. I feel very strongly that you can't just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because... he knows. He'd know what to do.\nJo: So listen, why don't you tell Gabe if by the end of the day you can't handle the changes.\nMichael: I have already told him, but I will tell him again if you think that will help.\nJo: I would take until the end of the day if I were you. [Michael leaves conference room]\nJerry: Pam and Jim? Hey, I'm Jerry.\nPam: Hi Jerry.\nJim: Jerry.\nJerry: Good to see you. Come on in. My office is right back here. This is the play room.\nJim: This is great. Got to confess, we came a little early, so we got a quick look around, but, uh -\nJerry: Oh, so you saw it already?\nJim: No, no, no, no. Yes. We saw this, yes. No, it wasn't like a look around. We really just had a peek. Quick peek. Didn't focus on anything in particular.\nPam: It's lovely.\nJerry: [cell phone rings] Oh. Got to take this. Sorry.\nJim: Do it.\nJerry: Okay. Hi, this is Jerry.\nPam: Ok, you've got to pull it together.\nJim: We should just go. He's really uncomfortable.\nPam: He's uncomfortable because you're acting weird. So you have to stop acting weird.\nJim: What if we just bring it up? We just put it out in the open?\nPam: That's the weirdest possible solution to the problem.\nJerry: Sorry about that. Right this way.\nJim: All right.\nMichael: I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre. [rings doorbell] He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by announced. But then again, who is? [loud drumming as door opens] Hey. Hi, sorry.\nDavid: Michael.\nMichael: I hope you're not busy doing something.\nDavid: No, you kidding? Come on in. Come on.\nMichael: You sure?\nDavid: You look great.\nMichael: You look great too.\nDavid: You hungry? I'm just having lunch.\nMichael: Oh, yeah, that sounds good.\nDavid: Fantastic. Teddy, look who just stopped in.\nTeddy Wallace: Huh? Hey. [continues drumming]\nMichael: Hey. Wow.\nDavid: Keep it up, son.\nMichael: Really loud.\nMichael: Wow. Oh, yummy. [David spreads marshmallow fluff on bread] You have got the life, my friend.\nDavid: Yeah.\nMichael: Can I just stay here and never go back?\nDavid: Things not going so well there?\nMichael: Oh, man. How much time do you have?\nDavid: I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday.\nMichael: Yeah.\nMrs. Wallace: Hey, honey. How's your day going? Did you do anything cool?\nDavid: Uh, no, sweetie. I just sort of hung out.\nMrs. Wallace: Oh, 'cause I saw you had shoes on, so I didn't know if you did anything.\nDavid: No. Just hanging out, honey. You remember Michael.\nMichael: Hi. Sorry, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd come by, see...\nMrs. Wallace: No problem at all. This is great. So what are you guys up to?\nMichael: I don't know.\nDavid: Uh, but maybe, uh - actually, you know, I think maybe we'll go outside. May -maybe we'll go outside. [drumming intensifies] Outside.\nJim: There was one thing we were curious about, uh, your flexibility on things like Easter or Memorial Day, because we might want to change our days around a little bit.\nJerry: That seems a bit premature, don't you think? I don't even know if I have a space for you yet, and you're already lining up your holiday plans.\nJim: Oh, no, sorry. Just, um, we're kind of planners. But we're also flexible too, so you know what? Maybe we can just discuss it when the time comes.\nJerry: Yeah, if the time comes, we can discuss it.\nPam: Is this because Jim walked in on you going to the bathroom?\nJim: What?\nJerry: Seriously? You told her?\nJim: Did it? It might have come up while we were waiting for you.\nJerry: And you - you thought that might have something to do with how the meeting is going?\nJim: No.\nPam: Maybe, because it doesn't seem to be going super well.\nJerry: Well, you didn't consider the fact that it might not be going super well just because it might not be going super well?\nPam: Nope. 'Cause we're really nice people but you don't seem to like us.\nJerry: I'm being perfectly pleasant. Did you ever consider that you might not be as charming as you think you are?\nJim: Oh, this coming from the guy who still uses a children's toilet? Why didn't you just lock the door, man?\nJerry: It doesn't lock for the children's safety.\nJim: Anybody could have walked in.\nJerry: It was story time.\nMichael: Sabre is changing everything. [Michael and David sitting in hot tub] Site blockers. They don't let us use cups. So I started thinking, who could handle this? Who would know what to do? David Wallace would know what to do. What should I do, David Wallace?\nDavid: I don't know. I mean, what can you do?\nMichael: Exactly. What are you thinking?\nDavid: I, I - It's a tough one.\nMichael: It is a tough one.\nDavid: I don't have any ideas for you there.\nMichael: Yeah. But one would be good.\nDavid: Hey, oh, okay. Wait.\nMichael: Okay.\nDavid: I want to tell you about a business idea I have.\nMichael: Okay.\nDavid: Ok? You know how kids leave their toys everywhere? Okay. So this is a vacuum. It's like a shop-vac type of thing. [imitates vacuum] Teaches kids how to pick up their own toys. Right? Baseball gloves, hacky sacks, drumsticks. [sucking noise] Picks it up!\nMichael: So the kid's making the noise to pick it up.\nDavid: No. No, no, no. That's the -that's the vacuum noise.\nMichael: Oh, okay.\nDavid: You-you don't like it.\nMichael: No, I think it is-\nDavid: No, it's ok. Another guy from Dunder Mifflin, Arnie from Research, he's gonna draw up the prototype. And, uh... It's like shop-vac. [sucking noise] Did I say that?\nMichael: Yep.\nDavid: It'll be ok.\nAndy: Hey, any fun weekend plans?\nErin: No, you?\nAndy: Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?\nErin: Nothing. It's wide open.\nAndy: Okay.\nAndy: That's as hard as I can hint.\nDavid: Hey, you know, if you want, I'm sure I can get Arnie on board if you wanted to join us for suck it. Work together again.\nMichael: The what?\nDavid: Suck it. That's what it's called.\nMichael: Oh, okay.\nDavid: Huh? Catchy. Kids'll love it.\nMichael: Like it.\nMichael: There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of 'em.\nMichael: See you later. [hugs Wallace]\nDavid: Oh, Michael.\nMichael: Bye now.\nDavid: Thank you for coming.\nMichael: Thanks for having me.\nMichael: Well, that's not the David Wallace that I remember. [reverses out of driveway, Wallace follows him] That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace's house. Oh, my god. Alright. Just get me out of here.\nMichael: Hello. [comes in carrying 4 gallons of orange juice and his water bottle] Is anybody home? Oh, thank you, Erin. Now if everyone would please ready their canteens, so I can fill them with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe's homeland, and then propose a toast. Here we go.\nMichael: You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. That's the best thing? Really? Ugh.\nMichael: Well, I'm not really one for making speeches.\nEveryone: Yes. Yes, you are. You make a lot.\nMichael: But I feel pretty good right now. I really do. A lot better than I did earlier. Let me tell you.\nAngela: That's your toast?\nMichael: No. This is my toast. I think this whole thing with Sabre is going to work out. I have a very good feeling about it.\nPhyllis: Michael, this isn't a toast. You're just thinking out loud.\nMichael: Here's my toast. Orange juice is in here. And, like Saber, it is from Florida, and it is good.\nKevin: Just 'cause you have liquid that doesn't make it a toast.\nMichael: Here's the toast. I'm gonna do it now. Raise your container to us and to Sabre.\nAll: To us and to Sabre.\nMichael: Mm. Wow. That is metallicy. Ugh. That's like drinking a battery. Ah, really gets you in the fillings, doesn't it? Okay, anyway, welcome.\nDavid: [singing] Well, it's a mess, what a mess. What you gonna do? You're going to take out your Suck It and you suck it. Suck it. Yeah, take out your Suck It and you suck it.\nTeddy: Suck it!\nDavid: Yeah!\nTeddy: Suck it!\nDavid: Yeah!\nTeddy: Suck it!\nDavid: Yeah! Take out the Suck It and we'll...\nTeddy: Suck it!\nDavid: Yeah!\nTeddy: Suck it!\nDavid: Yeah!\nBoth: Take out my Suck It and we'll suck it.\nDavid: Yeah! Teddy!\nTeddy: Yeah. [high-five each other]"}
{"text": "Hotel Employee: [on phone] Vancouver Court Hotel, how many I help you?\nMichael: Hello Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America! I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics.\nHotel Employee: Well, we are looking forward to having you, so, let me just pull up your information here...\nMichael: Okey doke.\nHotel Employee: Um, I don't seem to have it, sir.\nMichael: What?\nDwight: [looking through Michael's email] I'm not seeing anything under 'confirmation.'\nMichael: No.\nDwight: Could it be under 'affirmation?' Cause you have thousands of those.\nMichael: No. [to hotel employee on phone] We're trying to look it up right now.\nDwight: You [i]did[/i] get the e-vite to my barbeque!\nMichael: Um, come on.\nDwight: Michael...\nHotel Employee: Uh, sir? A lot of people are trying to get last-minute reservations at hotels here for the Olympics, but we've been fully booked for months.\nMichael: Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation.\nDwight: Wait, I got it! Confirmation code: XV2RDM!\nHotel Employee: ...Oh, here it is. Yep.\nMichael: Oh.\nDwight: Thank you.\nHotel Employee: Uh-huh. Seven nights in our street-view economy single?\nMichael: That's it!\nHotel Employee: Yeah, we changed it since it was a while back. I do apologize.\nMichael and Dwight: Uh-huh, okay...\nHotel Employee: Yeah, how may I help you Mr. Scott?\nMichael: Alright, I would like to cancel my reservation, please.\nHotel Employee: There is a cancellation fee for this, sir.\nMichael: Okay, put it on my card.\nMichael: Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?\nMichael: [Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs, everyone stands to welcome her except Dwight] Why hello!\nGabe: This is Michael Scott, co-regional manager of this branch.\nMichael: Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett.\nJo: Oh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the 'Mrs.' just to piss off the new wife. Well, let's take a gander around this place.\nAndy: [Jo's dogs are sniffing at his crotch] These sure are pretty dogs...\nJo: They love a good crotch.\nAndy: They sure do.\nJo: You should take that as a compliment!\nAndy: Oh, I do!\nJo: [to Dwight] Hello.\nDwight: Hello.\nJo: Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room?\nDwight: I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President. Or Judge Judy.\nJo: I like that.\nGabe: This is Accounting.\nKevin: Hi!\nJo: Good-looking group.\nGabe: Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton.\nJo: Another couple of heartbreakers. Who is this tall drink of sun tea?\nGabe: That is Jim Halpert, he is the co-regional manager of this office.\nJo: [gesturing to Michael] I thought this guy was the manager?\nGabe: Oh, he is. He's the co-manager, and that's the other co-manager.\nJo: Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that!\nAndy: Got some Valentine's cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers.\nAngela: [as Andy is passing her a card] No, no!\nKevin: What, no candy?\nAndy: Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Erin and I have been on zero dates. So I got her a Valentine's Day card, but I didn't wanna seem 'too eager,' so I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit.\nAndy: [throwing a card at Meredith, which skims her throat]: Look alive.\nMeredith: Ow! Geez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat!\nMeredith: Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.\nMichael: Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job.\nJim: Whoa, whoa.\nMichael: Whoa, whoa!\nJim: I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here: Michael handles more of the 'big-picture' stuff, and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff, so together...\nJo: Yeah. I think I understand.\nJim: Alright.\nJo: Each of you is doing half a job.\nJim: No.\nMichael: And sometimes I can hardly handle that!\nJo: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know. You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?\nJim: I don't think so.\nJo: Michael?\nMichael: Forget the question...\nJo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.\nMichael: I humbly accept the management position.\nJim: I... Why would you just say something like that?\nMichael: Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.\nJim: Do you even know what that means?\nMichael: Yes.\nJo: Well, I'm gonna let this marinate. So you can go.\nJim: Um...\nJo: You can go on. Shoo!\nJo: I'm Jolene Bennett, Jo for short. I'm a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys. When I was a little girl, I was terrified to fly, and now I have my own pilot's license. I am CEO of Sabre International, and I sell the best damn printers and all-in-one machines Korea can make. Pleased to meet you.\nAndy: [almost running into Erin] Whoa-oh, traffic jam!\nErin: Uh-oh, traffic jam on route three!\nAndy: [imitating car noises] Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep!\nErin: Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up!\nAndy: There's blood everywhere! Um, I got you a Valentine's card.\nErin: [opening card] Oh, you did? Aw, a bird and a dog!\nAndy: Yeah, well it's Snoopy and Woodstock.\nErin: You named them?\nAndy: Uh, Charles Schultz did. I thought it was relevant cause I got you all those birds for Christmas, remember?\nErin: Uh, yeah I do remember. [reading card] Aw, they love each other.\nAndy: Oh, look at that. They sure do. I hadn't noticed.\nErin: Wow, it smells really good too.\nAndy: Yeah! It's Roger Federer for men, I sprayed some in there.\nErin: Andy, whoa! Thank you very much!\nAndy: It's got pheromones in it.\nJo: Hey!\nKevin: Hi.\nJo: [to Angela, who's having a hard time deciding on a chair] Just choosing seats, not getting married. Chop, chop little onion!\nKevin: Jo, there's books in my chair.\nJo: That's right, darlin', now you're the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company I've never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars?\nMichael: No, we know. Texas!\nJo: Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm's reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we're gonna take that arm, and we're gonna start selling printers.\nMichael: I could manage my way around that.\nJo: They're the easiest-to-use printers on the market.\nMichael: I will try to manage my excitement!\nMichael: I have been saying the word 'manager' a lot, so whenever Jo thinks 'manager' she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa.\nJo: I think that's it. So we're all good! [many employees raise their hands] Thanks ya'll.\nDwight: [Jo leaves] I, uh...\nKelly: [reading her Valentine's card from Andy] Oh my God.\nKelly: I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But, I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual.\nPam: So, check this out. According to the handbook, you could make more money as a salesman than as a manager. They have all these incentive programs. I ran your numbers from last year.\nJim: This is way more than I make now.\nJim: I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women.\nJim: Hey, you got a second?\nMichael: Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?\nJim: Actually, yeah.\nMichael: What?\nJim: Exactly that. I think that you absolutely deserve the manager position more than I do.\nMichael: What? Really?\nJim: Yeah!\nMichael: Wow!\nMichael: La la la, hello Oscar!\nOscar: Michael. Reading.\nMichael: What are you reading?\nOscar: The Atlantic.\nMichael: Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again.\nOscar: I should step into sales myself.\nMichael: Why, is there an untapped gay market?\nOscar: Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales.\nMichael: ...Where did you get that information.\nOscar: Manual.\nMichael: Manuel who?\nMichael: Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.\nMichael: Son of a bitch. [enters conference room] Pardon me.\nJo: Oh, speak of the devil. We were just talking about you. Have a seat!\nMichael: Okay.\nJo: Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager.\nMichael: Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales.\nJo: Really?\nJim: Really.\nMichael: Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman.\nJo: Well, I think you're both being a little too modest.\nJim: No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons.\nMichael: No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people.\nJim: Why would you do that?\nMichael: I'm turning myself in right now!\nJo: You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I'm gonna defer to your judgment.\nMichael: Thank you.\nJo: I think you [to Michael] will become the salesman, and congratulations! [to Jim] You're gonna be the new manager of this branch!\nMichael: Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.\nPam: [pointing to the window in Michael's office] Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown!\nJim: Mm!\nDwight: [on phone] Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. [hangs up phone] 89... 88...\nDwight: You're twenty minutes late!\nRyan: [walking up] Um, I was at another dumpster!\nDwight: Just admit you lost track of time.\nDwight: Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair.\nRyan: Did you see Saw?\nDwight: Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.\nRyan: No, uh, the movie. Did you see the movie Saw?\nDwight: Oh, yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a seesaw.\nRyan: Okay, the reason these movies are so popular, is the element of psychological torment.\nDwight: I like where you're going with this. Continue.\nRyan: Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something?\nDwight: I have an old barn!\nRyan: Yes!\nDwight: It's kinda smelly, but that might be a plus! And then what?\nRyan: We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean, we don't kill him, obviously. I have a mask...\nDwight: Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie!? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life!\nRyan: Well suggest something else then! Don't just...\nDwight: He's supposed to cut his leg off? Think!\nRyan: Don't just criticize my idea!\nDwight: Think!\nRyan: You think of something then!\nErin: Michael, I'm worried that, uh, not all your toys are gonna fit on your new desk.\nMichael: How is that possible?\nErin: Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space.\nMichael: No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen.\nErin: You know, I actually think I should get back to work. Jim asked me to do some stuff, and he's manager.\nMichael: Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? [Michael's phone rings] Michael Scott, head of sales.\nJim: [on phone] You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.\nDwight: The new IT guy. Nick.\nRyan: Nick.\nDwight: I think he is the key. He's very trusting, he's looking for friends, he has been given an awesome amount of power, and does not know how to wield it.\nRyan: Like Frodo!\nDwight: Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay dumb jock?\nRyan: Well, I think he can be corrupted. Like Gollum.\nDwight: Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.\nDwight: I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one.\nErin: Who's hungry?\nJim: What is that?\nErin: It's ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say 'Who's hungry?'\nJim: Oh. I'm fine. Thank you, though.\nErin: Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy?\nJim: Why would I wanna do that?\nErin: It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.\nJim: For now, I'm just gonna go back to work here...\nErin: Oh sure.\nJim: Yeah. Thank you.\nErin: Well.\nMichael: [on phone] It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks, bye. [hangs up phone, blows train whistle] I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called 'Curves.' I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it!\nKevin: Nice!\nDwight: You know, we really don't announce out loud our sales that much.\nMichael: Why not? It's part of the sales experience.\nDwight: It's not really 1992 anymore.\nMichael: Well, okay...\nKelly: [reading Andy's card] You brighten my day with the sound of your voice, you bring so much laughter and love, you're everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me.\nErin: Geez louise.\nKelly: I know, obsessed with me much?\nErin: Well, everyone got one.\nKelly: What did yours say?\nErin: Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.\nErin: It's no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I can't compete with her. That girl can sing, and dance, and gets all of her clothes at the mall. And I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl, cause Andy Bernard is a playboy. And, why shouldn't he be? He's got it all.\nDwight: Ho-ho. There he is, the IT guy. So you discovered the break room.\nNick: Uh, yep.\nDwight: I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords.\nNick: No, I actually don't.\nDwight: Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him.\nNick: I think that you should call the cops.\nDwight: No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer.\nNick: I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry, I just can't give out his password like that.\nRyan: Nick. We could make things very, very difficult for you.\nNick: Are you... you threatening me?\nRyan: Threatening you? No. [tries to crush an aluminum can, Dwight crushes an apple]\nMichael: What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?\nPam: Michael, stop.\nMichael: No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs?\nPam: Michael...\nMichael: You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps.\nDwight: Michael, it's Phyllis.\nMichael: No, this is geological.\nPhyllis: I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on.\nMichael: Are you kidding me?\nPhyllis: No.\nMichael: And you guys are okay with this?\nDwight: She sent an email, so.\nPhyllis: I did.\nAndy: [has two tissues in his nostrils] It's not cause of the smell. I'm just expecting a nosebleed.\nMichael: Oh my God.\nKelly: Oh! You scared me!\nAndy: I'm sorry, I thought you saw me.\nKelly: I didn't see you. And you were there all along. [takes papers out of copy machine] Well, I warmed it up for you so, should be good to go.\nAndy: Cool, thanks.\nKelly: Bye, Andy. [kisses his cheek]\nAndy: ...That was weird.\nMeredith: No it ain't. We all saw the Valentine you gave her.\nAndy: I don't even know what that card said.\nMeredith: Believe me, if I got that card? We'd be in the bathroom doin' it right... now.\nMichael: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here.\nJim: Well, the grass is always greener.\nMichael: Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.\nJim: Well, it's what you wanted.\nMichael: I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.\nJim: For the record, I fought this. Alright? And now, I'm not really sure what we do.\nMichael: We make a poster that says 'Happy Opposite Day!' and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black.\nJim: Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot and they could've just gone and talked to her.\nMichael: Lethal Weapon?\nJim: That's it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way.\nJo: You two are grown-ass men. What do I have to do, fire you and get two people in here who don't need so much management?\nMichael: What? What I'm saying...\nJim: Michael's saying he's better at being manager, and I agree, cause he's a better people person, weirdly.\nMichael: And weirdly I'm a good dog person, right guys? [dogs go to him] See? They love me.\nJo: Fine. I don't care which one of you does which job, just stop meeting with me to talk about it.\nJim: Alright.\nMichael: Alright!\nJo: [cell phone rings] Oh, I gotta take this. Yep. Uh, finish walking my dogs for me. And don't ride 'em. Lotta people try to ride 'em.\nAndy: [Erin leaves room] Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails, I just sent you the following message: 'Coworkers, you may have received a Valentine from me. Please understand this does not mean that I like you in any way.'\nPhyllis: You don't even like us as friends?\nAndy: Phyllis, you guys are like my closest friends. I just mean I don't like-like you.\nOscar: What are we, five?\nAndy: Please don't read into this card. Yours in professionalism, Nard dog.'\nKelly: [entering with Erin] Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?\nAndy: It's n- that wasn't... I like someone else.\nKelly: Who?\nAndy: It's not... Whether or not, you...\nKelly: Who, what?\nErin: Yeah, I guess Andy never liked Kelly. How about that?\nMichael: Oh, it smells good in here.\nErin: Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator.\nMichael: Erin, what about my keyboard? [Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat] Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?\nErin: Oh! [hits another key, they awkwardly dance together]\nPam: [gesturing to Michael dancing in his office] He looks happy.\nJim: Yep.\nDwight: Well, well, well. Hm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rosston. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he [Jim dunks Dwight's tie in his coffee cup, Pam smiles] what? Michael!\nDwight: [entering elevator with Ryan] I can't help but think that something we did made this possible.\nRyan: Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.\nDwight: Oh temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink?\nRyan: I would love to. [elevator doors close, then reopen in the lobby] Why not?\nDwight: Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you.\nRyan: Well, I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know.\nDwight: It is not 'farm boy swill,' I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious.\nRyan: I am not interested in anything I have to make myself!"}
{"text": "Pam: [on the phone with a client] I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah, I'm pregnant... Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks.\nDwight: Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.\nJim: [on the phone] Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely.\nDwight: No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably!\nPam: There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it.\nDwight: [on the phone with a client] Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay.\nDwight: I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.\nPam: Kevin, you're such a gourmand.\nKevin: I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken.\nPam: Hmm.\nKevin: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.\nKevin: I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast.\nPam: Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking?\nKevin: I think it should be a surprise.\nMeredith: [After Pam has a contraction] Oh, getting there, huh?\nPam: No, no. I still have time.\nPam: I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.\nJim: Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.\nPam: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.\nJim: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.\nPam: I cannot wait for that joke to be over.\nPam: Ooh.\nMichael: Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car...\nJim: Michael.\nMichael: Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.\nJim: Michael, you shouldn't have done that.\nMichael: Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.\nPam: You know the baby's not going to live here, right?\nMichael: Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.\nJim: Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty.\nMichael: Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!\nPam: Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight.\nErin: Ooh, spooky. But why?\nJim: Because the insurance company only covers two nights.\nPam: Everything's fine. We have plenty of time.\nNick: Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music.\nMichael: Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.\nAngela: [as Nick looks over at her] What are you looking at?\nDwight: Ha, nerd.\nKelly: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.\nDwight: [with Angela in the break room] Bare my child.\nAngela: Excuse me?\nDwight: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out.\nJim: [after Pam has another contraction] That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on.\nPam: Hold on, hold on. It isn't midnight yet.\nJim: Are you serious? Pam.\nPam: No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.\nJim: I... Pam, please.\nPam: I'm going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight.\nAndy: Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate.\nPam: Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks.\nJim: Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.\nPam: Five minutes apart.\nJim: So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.\nPam: Okay, stop watching me.\nJim: Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers.\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nJim: Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check?\nPam: Not until midnight.\nAndy: Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.\nErin: I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr.\nAndy: My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book.\nJim: You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet.\nMichael: No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.\nJim: [as Andy and Kevin shout 'yeah!' in response to Michael] Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.\nPam: Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.\nMichael: Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go!\nMichael: Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.]\nMichael: The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.\nAndy: Can we do sleight of hand tricks?\nMichael: I will allow that.\nAndy: Yes! Can anyone do those?\nStanley: I'm going to go look at the Internet.\nJim: [as Pam has another contraction] Oh! Oh, alright. That's a good one.\nPam: Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking.\nMichael: Okay.\nKelly: Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior.\nPam: Oh, thanks, Kelly.\nMichael: Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?\nPam: Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.\nMichael: Yes, Phyl?\nPhyllis: I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.\nMichael: [ as Pam shakes her head] Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that.\nAndy: I can do the evolution of dance-dance.\nMichael: [as Pam gives the thumbs up] That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay.\nAndy: Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... [Pam begins to clap as Andy dances] You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance.\nRyan: [reading from a book as Kelly admires] 'You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home.'\nErin: [naming race horses] Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot.\nAngela: Good afternoon.\nDwight: Have a seat.\nAngela: What is this?\nDwight: Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.\nAngela: Of course.\nDwight: It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.\nAngela: You know I was thinking...\nDwight: Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: [speaking into a voice recorder] Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?\nAngela: Agreed.\nMichael: [as Pam has another contraction] Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there.\nKevin: For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast!\nJim: Okay, you know what? I'm going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He'd probably know...\nPam: Jim, please. Happy thoughts here. Happy times.\nMichael: Yeah, happy times. Come on. Let's have happy times.\nJim: Alright.\nMichael: Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one.\nErin: Um, stimulate the nipples.\nMichael: Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.\nKevin: Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.\nMeredith: I have a shirt like that in my car.\nMichael: Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?\nErin: Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We're already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.\nMichael: Okay, the opposite of that?\nKevin: Stick spicy food up her butt.\nJim: Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let's go to the hospital. Pam, let's go to the hospital right now.\nPam: Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions.\nJim: Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry.\nPam: Why don't you go do some work?\nJim: Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled.\nPam: I know, you don't like to be frazzled.\nJim: No, I don't.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Oh, and by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally.\nMichael: Ooh, someone's freakin'.\nAndy: A little frazzled.\nMichael: I think he is.\nJim: I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. [reading from various books] Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes.\nDwight: Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.\nAngela: Jedediah.\nDwight: Jonas.\nAngela: Jedediah.\nDwight: Warf.\nAngela: No Star Trek names.\nDwight: Okay. Fine.\nAngela: What if it's a girl?\nDwight: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.\nAngela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here.\nDwight: Yes you can.\nAngela: No.\nDwight: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.\nAngela: Absolutely not.\nJim: [Pam approaches as he sits in his car] Hey.\nPam: Hey. I'm not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital.\nJim: Ah, you know me too well.\nPam: Okay, Jim.\nJim: Yeah? ... Oh.\nPam: Everything is fine. You don't have to worry. Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?\nJim: Did you say 'she?'\nPam: I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn't wait... Oh, God, don't be mad.\nJim: Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nJim: Wow, we're having a little girl. Oh, man.\nPam: I know.\nJim: Woo, alright. Well, I definitely feel better.\nPam: Good.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Alright... Hey, did you change?\nPam: Oh, yeah, my water broke.\nJim: Oh. Oh...\nPam: [enters the office and has another contraction] Oh, whoa. Ha. Wow.\nMichael: Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet?\nPhyllis: No, it's 4:35.\nMichael: 4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we?\nPam: No, not yet, Michael.\nMichael: We can do...\nPam: Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin?\nMichael: Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?\nOscar: That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.\nMichael: What is October feast?\nPam: There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I'll get there. And if I don't get there, I don't get there.\nKevin: Our ultra feast menu's theme: Hollywood. We have Ratatouille, from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken, from Born Into Brothels. I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I... Are you okay?\nPam: Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm fine. Um, yeah, the doctor said it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it.\nMichael: Okay, okay, Jim. I think this feast is over and it's time to go to the hospital.\nJim: Alright. Time to go. Okay.\nMichael: That's right, let's do this.\nJim: Let's give it a shot.\nPam: Nope. No, no, that's better. That wasn't even the worst of them. I'm fine.\nJim: Hey, come on. Let's go to the hospital.\nPam: They're not that bad still, babe.\nJim: Pam, Pam, it's time. Let's go to the hospital.\nPam: No, it's passing, it's fine. It's okay.\nJim: Come on, Michael says we should go now.\nMichael: Let's go, Pam. Yeah, I think we should head out.\nPam: No, it's passing, it's fine.\nJim: Pam.\nPam: Ah, no, it passed. It's good.\nJim: You know what? Let's go. We got to go to the hospital.\nPam: Okay, I'm not going. I'm not... It's fine. [Jim, Michael and Kevin try to help her up] Okay, come on, come on. No! I am not going! I am not going, okay!? I'm not going today because I can't do it, I don't think I can do it.\nJim: Hey, are you kidding me?\nMichael: Are you kidding?\nJim: If anyone can do this, you can do this.\nMichael: You can do this. You can do this.\nJim: Pam, I'm scared. I'm real scared.\nMichael: I'm scared, too.\nKevin: I'm petrified.\nJim: The best news is, we're going to have a baby today.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: A really awesome baby.\nMichael: We're going to have a baby.\nJim: So let's have it at the hospital.\nMichael: Let's do that.\nJim: How are we doing on contractions?\nMichael: Two minutes apart.\nJim: Two minutes...\nPam: Oh, God. Oh, no.\nJim: Michael, I told you.\nMichael: It's okay.\nJim: No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.\nPam: Jim, we waited too long!\nMichael: I know, I know, I know. It went by too soon.\nJim: We waited too long! Two minutes doesn't do us any good. Well, what happened to four and three minutes?\nMichael: We're okay, Jim! Okay, Pamela. You know what time it is?\nPam: I don't want to have my baby here.\nMichael: You're not going to. You know where you're going?\nPam: The hospital.\nMichael: Yes, you are. And you know what you're going to have?\nPam: A baby.\nMichael: Yes! We're going to the hospital and we're going to have a baby.\nMichael: I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please!\nDwight: No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops.\nJim: Alright, we're driving ourselves, actually.\nMichael: No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive. I will drive you. Check! Got it.\nJim: Alright, I have my wallet.\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: Go bag's in the car... Keys, my keys, where's my keys?\nMichael: Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag?\nErin: There's nothing in it.\nMichael: You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?\nOscar: The hospital provides dictionaries, bring a thesaurus!\nDwight: Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!\nPam: Dwight, get away!\nMichael: No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please.\nErin: I didn't know we had a tape measure.\nDwight: [as he holds up the tape measure with his initials on it] 'We' don't.\nJim: Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found 'em. They're here.\nDwight, Jim and Michael: Here we go!\nPhyllis: Good luck!\nNick: Good luck, Pam!\nMichael: Thank you! Wish me luck!\nCreed: Have fun! [sigh]\nMeredith: Hey, it's 5:00!\nMichael: [entering the elevator] Here we go! Here we go! On our way!\nStanley: Hold it!\nMichael: Come on, Stanley! Okay. We're going now!\nToby: Oh, one more!\nMichael: No, no, no, no! Out, out! Idiot.\nMichael: Dwight, what is the traffic like?\nDwight: Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!\nMichael: Alright.\nDwight: Let's go!\nMichael: Geesh, Dwight!\nDwight: [as he peels out of the parking lot and stops] Michael!\nMichael: What!?\nDwight: This is where I saw that deer last week.\nMichael: Where?\nDwight: Right over by that fence.\nMichael: By the bushes?\nJim: Okay, Michael! Focus!\nMichael: Okay, go, go, go, go!\nDwight: Let's go!\nDwight: I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.\nJim: Alright, here we go! You're doing great! She'll be here soon.\nMichael: Okay, just breathe... She? You found out? Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised.\nPam: Michael!\nMichael: Yeah?\nPam: Stop texting, put your phone away! Come on.\nJim: Michael, come on!\nMichael: I'm texting about you, okay!?\nDwight: Ugh, alright. [as he puts a police siren on top of his car] Let's move! ... What?\nPoliceman: Pull over!\nDwight: Are you kidding me?\nPoliceman: Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing various weapons out of the window] You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight!\nPam: Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here!\nJim: Okay.\nPam: It has the birth song on it!\nJim: Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine.\nPam: Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.\nJim: Okay, so what do you want to do?\nPam: I don't know! Let's go by the house and get it. It's only twenty minutes past the hospital!\nJim: Pam, no! Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now.\nMichael: Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. [as he calls Dwight] Ready?\nDwight: Dwight Schrute.\nMichael: Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday.\nDwight: Why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was.\nMichael: Okay.\nPam: Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under...\nDwight: I don't need a key.\nPam: Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it's under the...\nDwight: No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala.\nPam: Dwight just listen! It's underneath... [Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket]\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: Wait, you alright?\nPam: Yes.\nMichael: Do you have everything, guys?\nJim: Michael, just go park the car.\nMichael: Okay, alright. [he parks in an ambulance zone]\nHospital employee: Sir! You can't park here!\nMichael: Dunder-Mifflin. It's okay. [he throws the keys into bushes across the street] I just did.\nJim: Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully faced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good.\nNurse: Daddy? She's ready to push.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go.\nJim: [as Pam screams] Doing great, push again.\nDoctor: Not yet.\nJim: No, don't push. Pull. Pull.\nNurse: Why don't you get more ice chips?\nPam: No, Jim, stay!\nDoctor: Okay. Really push this time, Pam.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: [looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby] Okay, not yet, not yet. I'm going to go wash my eyes.\nMichael: That kid's going to have a lot of hair.\nAndy: Hey, have you guys seen her?\nMeredith: She hasn't popped yet.\nAndy: What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday.\nAndy: I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper.\nPhyllis: This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here.\nMichael: I think it's going to be any minute now.\nPhyllis: But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour.\nMichael: Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?\nPhyllis: I have an ice cream cake in the car.\nMichael: Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright.\nMichael: [Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room] Guys? Hello? Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna...\nPam: This is happening!\nMichael: You're starting, you're kinda losing them.\nJim: Oh, my God! Look at her! baby, she's so beautiful! Oh, my God.\nPam: Oh, my God.\nMichael: [smoking a cigar] Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?\nDoctor: Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out.\nMichael: Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days.\nPam: [with Jim, holding the baby] She's incredible. Want to count her fingers and toes again?\nJim: No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there's still twelve on each.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: Guys, guys!\nJim: Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.\nMichael: Eleven pounds...\nJim: She's seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great.\nEveryone: Yeah!\nMichael: Thank you! Thank you!\nOscar: Congratulations. That's great.\n(Pam's mom) Heleen: Hi there.\nJim: Hey, grandma's back.\nHelene: Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee.\nJim: Great.\nPam: Oh, thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months.\nHelene: Ooh, somebody has a full diaper.\nJim: Oh. Let me get it.\nJim: I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.\nMichael: Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma.\nHelene: Hello, Michael.\nMichael: Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you.\nHelene: I'm, uh... You know I think, uh, I think it's time for me to go.\nPam: Okay.\nHelene: Love you.\nMichael: Love you, as a friend.\nPam: Love you, mom.\nMichael: Ooh, I want to hold the baby!\nPam: Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first.\nMichael: Alright.\nPam: Again, no pants.\nMichael: Oh, okay.\nJim: Ready?\nMichael: Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael.\nJim: It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here.\nDwight: Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work [he begins to destroy the kitchen with a sledgehammer].\nMichael: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family.\nAndy: This man has a gift!\nMichael: Who else here is single?\nKelly: I'm not single. I have a man. [she grasps Ryan's arm as Ryan has his hand raised to say he's single]\nMichael: I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.\nStanley: Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs?\nMichael: Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Who else? Come on! People, I know models!\nRyan: Ha ha, plus size models, maybe.\nMichael: Ha ha, you got that right! Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single.\nMeredith: You know it. I am never getting married.\nMeredith: Like Clooney.\nMichael: Andrew, what about you?\nAndy: Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing.\nAndy: Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.\nMichael: Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.\nPam: Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents?\nJim: We were just kids. What did we know?\nNurse: How we doing?\nJim: Great.\nPam: Good.\nNurse: Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?\nPam: Doesn't she sleep here?\nNurse: She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You've been through a lot.\nJim: I think we'll be okay.\nNurse: Okay, great.\nPam: [as the baby yawns] Oh, big yawn.\nJim: Ready? One, two, three...\nPam: One, and then wrap around. It's okay. Hold that arm down.\nJim: I can't. She's too strong. She's, careful, though. You don't want to break it.\nPam: She's not gonna... Just...\nJim: I got it. Alright.\nPam: Go.\nJim: Nurse!\nJim: How you doing?\nPam: I don't know. I just, I can't tell if she's getting anything.\nJim: Really?\nPam: Doesn't feel right.\nJim: Well, you're pushing the milk out, right?\nPam: How does one do that?\nJim: Wasn't it... It's kinda like a... Like that.\nPam: Do you want to try it, Jim?\nJim: I think you're good. Doing a good job.\nNurse: Somebody buzzed?\nJim: Oh! Really? Must have sat on it, Pam.\nPam: I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right.\nNurse: Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.\nPam: Even if she's not getting anything?\nNurse: Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we're in the nursery.\nPam: No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.\nNurse: Oh, good. You know everything.\nPam: She's just, she's really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up.\nNurse: Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?\nJim: Alright.\nNurse: Alright.\nJim: It's going to be alright.\nPam: Maybe it'll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies.\nJim: Ha ha. No, yeah, that will be good.\nErin: [in Michael's office] You wanted to see me?\nMichael: What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life?\nErin: Oh, boy! ... What's that sound?\nKevin: [as he appears from behind the door] Ta-da!\nMichael: I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.\nKevin: Yes!\nErin: I don't know what to say.\nKevin: Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me.\nMichael: Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together?\nKevin: Erin, would you have lunch with me?\nErin: Okay.\nMichael: Good!\nKevin: Yes!\nErin: Michael, could I talk to you privately?\nMichael: Sure. Kevin, please leave.\nKevin: Bye.\nMichael: Bye.\nErin: I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy.\nMichael: Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.\nErin: I'm sure he'll be fine.\nMichael: I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah.\nErin: Really?\nMichael: No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him... I bet his heart is enlarged, though.\nErin: I don't want anyone to die.\nMichael: Just don't let him sit on you... I'm kidding. You'll have fun. It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is. Go to him.\nKevin: Hi.\nErin: Hi.\nKevin: She touched my shoulder.\nNurse: Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.\nJim: Oh, hi.\nKathy: Hi.\nDale: Hi, so sorry.\nJim: Careful... Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.\nPam: I know.\nJim: You see that? I'm pretty sure she's... Hi.\nErin: Did you grow up around here?\nKevin: No.\nErin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?\nKevin: Yes.\nAndy: Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botony class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botony class. And then, uh, they would say things like 'Oh, this guy's going to fail this class,' or, 'What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?' And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, 'Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.' ... Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and... I was jealous.\nHospital employee: Uh, hi, Pam Halpert?\nPam: Yes?\nHospital employee: Hi. I'm Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.\nPam: Um, yeah, that would be great.\nJim: Yup. Really great. When's she available?\nClark: Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let's see what we're working with.\nPam: So, uh, biggest thing, besides not being able to get her to latch...\nClark: I'll get that for you.\nPam: Oh, thank you. Is that um, I can't tell if I'm really producing. I don't know if she's getting anything.\nClark: Okay. Let me feel here.\nPam: Okay.\nClark: Yeah, it's quite full. Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand.\nPam: Okay.\nClark: When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Uh, does that hurt?\nPam: No, I mean, it feels... pressure.\nClark: Okay.\nJim: Are you sure it doesn't hurt?\nPam: No. It just feels like pressure.\nClark: Okay, well. Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? Like that?\nJim: Yup.\nClark: Stimulate it.\nJim: Yeah.\nClark: Alright, so you just want to do that, and that will, uh...\nJim: Perfect.\nClark: And you can just... The baby should grab on to that.\nJim: I think she will.\nPam: Okay. So, I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if...\nJim: We'll figure it out.\nClark: It doesn't... Why don't you bring your baby over here... She's beautiful.\nPam: Okay. Aw, thank you.\nClark: Yes, congratulations.\nJim: Thank you.\nClark: Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay?\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Please do.\nPam: Oh, shoot.\nJim: What?\nPam: Shoot, she fell off.\nJim: Oh, uh, try the torpedo thing.\nPam: Will you just, will you grab Clark real quick?\nJim: No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.\nPam: Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it'd be weird if you did it.\nJim: Okay, I'll just go get the other guy.\nDwight: [on the phone] Hey, what's up, kid?\nAngela: Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you?\nDwight: Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?\nAngela: I look forward to it.\nDwight: Very well.\nAngela: Goodbye.\nPam: [trying to sleep as the baby cries] Jim, Jim, get her.\nJim: Hmm?\nPam: Get the baby. Get her. Come on.\nJim: Okay. Sshh. I know. [hands the baby to Pam]\nPam: I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! She latched! She latched.\nJim: That's amazing.\nPam: Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the 'C thing.'\nJim: That's awesome.\nPam: Aw, we're doing it.\nJim: that's great.\nPam: We're really parents now.\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you.\nErin: Hey.\nKevin: Hi.\nErin: I have really enjoyed our time together.\nKevin: Yeah, me too.\nErin: I want to continue working on our friendship.\nKevin: Really, really fun.\nErin: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.\nKevin: Yeah, me too.\nErin: And, you're my friend.\nKevin: Yeah.\nErin: And I hope that I'm your friend... And, maybe...\nKevin: Yeah.\nMichael: Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?\nKevin: You said she liked me.\nMichael: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.\nKevin: I've dumped better than Erin.\nMichael: No.\nKevin: Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.\nMichael: Lynn was as hot as Erin.\nKevin: Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you.\nMichael: This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you... Yes, Andy?\nAndy: [he hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant] Ow.\nMichael: Kev... Nice. Going.\nErin: Well...\nIsabelle: Knock knock.\nPam: Oh, hey, Isabelle.\nJim: Hey.\nIsabelle: Hey. Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her?\nPam: Yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh, let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweety... Oh, my God! Wrong baby!\nJim: What?\nPam: Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh.\nJim: Okay, okay.\nPam: Oh, my gosh.\nKathy: [waking up] Oh,has she been fussing long?\nPam: No, not at all.\nJim: Perfect.\nKathy: I was out like a light... Oh, she's not hungry...\nNurse: How's it going?\nPam: Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di...\nJim: Ha ha ha.\nNurse: Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home?\nJim: We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00?\nNurse: Yeah, you can. It's 2:35.\nJim: Half hour.\nNurse: Twenty five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat?\nJim: Yes, car seat's right there.\nNurse: That bottom part needs to go in the car.\nJim: Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.\nNurse: Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes.\nJim: Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be... Can we get a late checkout? I don't... I don't think she heard me.\nIsabelle: [entering the Halpert house] Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here?\nDwight: Isabelle. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so...\nIsabelle: Wow, ha. New cabinets.\nDwight: Yup.\nIsabelle: All I did was bring macaroni and cheese... Where's the fridge?\nDwight: Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this.\nIsabelle: Oh... Well, I'll let you get back to it.\nDwight: Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun.\nIsabelle: Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.\nDwight: Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha.\nIsabelle: Yeah...\nDwight: Alright. I'll call you, kid.\nIsabelle: Do that.\nJim: Are you really sure we should be leaving?\nHospital employee: Yeah.\nJim: But you hear the baby crying, right?\nHospital employee: Mm-hmm... Where's your car?\nJim: Uh, it's in the lot.\nHospital employee: Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around.\nJim: Right, okay. Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back.\nPam: Okay, please hurry.\nAndy: Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation.\nErin: Okay, good.\nAndy: The fax says 'Erin, will you have dinner with me?' from Andy, and the number is our office fax number.\nErin: It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?\nAndy: Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired.\nErin: [tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today.\nAndy: Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax.\nErin: You read the fax.\nAndy: I'm... I'm asking you out.\nErin: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner.\nAndy: So, it's a date.\nErin: Yes. Do you have a day in mind?\nAndy: Yeah, what day? What day?\nErin: Everyday is fine. Or...\nAndy: Well, that, what's that one?\nErin: Thursday?\nAndy: Okay. Let's do it.\nErin: Okay.\nHospital employee: Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?\nPam: Oh, yeah, sorry.\nHospital employee: Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today.\nPam: Okay, alright, thanks... Okay, do you want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay... Okay, let me... Just you and me. Come on. There we go... Yeah... Oh, yeah. Like that. There we go. You got it.\nJim: Five tickets on the windshield... Hey.\nPam: Hi. We did it.\nJim: You used my move, didn't you?\nPam: I used a variation of your move.\nMichael: [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today... I think I'm going to be sick...\nDwight: Two forms of ID, please.\nAngela: And now you, two forms of ID, please... Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature... What is it?\nDwight: Nothing.\nAngela: Alright. How would you like to celebrate?\nDwight: Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... [Jim and Pam walk in to their house with the baby] I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days. I'll be out of your hair."}
{"text": "Michael: Hello hello. Top of the morning to you! Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra! [Grabs and pours Kevin-esque scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket] Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day.\nKelly: I don't want to bring my friends, why can't it just be the two of us?\nRyan: Because it's St. Patrick's Day, people go out in groups.\nKelly: Well why don't you invite your friends?\nRyan: Why are you being so weird about this?\nMeredith: Stop fighting. Just on St Patrick's Day, okay? Just one perfect day a year. No hassles, no problems, no kids.\nRyan: Why no kids?\nKelly: Yeah, where are your kids?\nMeredith: Nope. Nuh -uh. Not today!\nMichael: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.\nErin: Welcome back, 'Dad!'\nJim: Oh, thank you!\nPhyllis: Hey!\nStanley: Hey!\nAndy: Welcome back Tuna!\nJim: Hey... [reveal Dwight's Mega-Desk]\nDwight: Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that, thanks.\nJim: What do we got here?\nDwight: Mega-Desk.\nJim: Of course.\nDwight: Command central.\nJim: Hm hm.\nDwight: Surveillance, gaming- and business.\nJim: Okay. [Pulls desks apart] Just gotta...\nDwight: Okay. Come on! Jim!\nDwight: Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But ... I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk.\nJo: Oh, I love this, so much fun! There's such team spirit in this room! 'Morning Darling!\nJim: Morning!\nJo: Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while. But I'm leaving it in the very capable hands of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Oh I'm gonna miss this place. And the snow! Hoo, my dogs love peeing in that snow! Makes me think they're onto something.\nJo: Oh good morning sweetheart.\nMichael: Morning, honey-pile.\nJo: I'm sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?\nMichael: It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.\nJo: [pulls out glass cube with coal.] Is that a lump of coal?\nMichael: Yes it is!\nJo: Have I been that naughty?\nMichael: No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal.\nJo: Err, thank you very much. We, we don't get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I'm used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you've ever tasted.\nMichael: Mm, that sounds great, actually.\nJo: Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, you got a place to stay.\nMichael: When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!\nAndy: Erin go braugh!\nErin: Andy go braugh to you! Nice kilt!\nAndy: Thanks. It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt.\nAndy: Erin and I have our first date tonight, and it has to be perfect. Why? Because according to 'How I Met Your Mother' that's the date that your kids are going to wait patiently to hear about, and you better have a good story for them.\nJim: No. [re-enters bullpen from kitchen.]\nDwight: Great.\nJim: No.\nDwight: Thank you. [hangs up phone]\nJim: No-no-no-no-no.\nDwight: Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please?\nJim: [swats over various photos and knickknacks, points at paperwork] Is this yours or mine?\nDwight: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!\nJim: Good Lord! [Photo of Cece on Jim's desktop] I can't believe I'm missing this.\nPam: It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night, like a half snarl, half smile? I get the sense that she's very ironic.\nJim: Okay. Love you. We'll talk soon. [hangs up phone]\nDwight: Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life?\nJim: It is. Big time.\nDwight: Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now.\nJim: Pretty amazing.\nDwight: What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on.\nJim: Oh it's tough being here for a lot of reasons.\nDwight: I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.\nJim: Is that what happened to you?\nDwight: I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother.\nJim: That's a common mistake.\nDwight: Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending.\nAngela: Hey! [Erin sneezing at desk] Are you sick?\nErin: Oh, no I'm fine, I just have a little indigestion.\nAngela: In your nose?\nErin: Yes. [Angela returns to desk and puts embroidered breathing mask on]\nErin: I'm a little sick but I don't want to miss my date with Andy. I'll get better. Whenever I'm sick it goes away within a few hours. Except once, when I was in the hospital from age three to six.\nJo: Now, after all the talking I've been doing. It's your turn. This is a town hall meeting. I want to hear what you all sound like.\nMichael: That is a great idea JB.\nJo: Thank you. You know I get way too many ideas from the top. Now I want to hear your ideas. I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper? That wasn't invented by some fancy engineer. No, that was created by a lowly typist.\nKevin: Jo, I have an idea, for suntan lotion - soap.\nJo: You know it doesn't have to be an invention.\nOscar: I have a question.\nMichael: Oscar, homosexual accountant.\nOscar: In the training manual it says, that there is a minority executive training program in Tallahassee?\nJo: I am so proud of Sabre's 'Print In All Colors' initiative. Any Sabre employee of color, is welcome to apply. [Kelly applauds] Daryl?\nMichael: Daryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse...\nJo: Okay hush now.\nMichael: Okay.\nDaryl: The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient. Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, but printers and paper ship differently. It'll be faster to deliver them separately, instead of waiting on everything to come in.\nJo: But you wouldn't need more trucks?\nDaryl: Not at all. There's a way that it can be scheduled. I sketched this out downstairs.\nJo: Oh look at you.\nMichael: Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We're very proud of you. You know what, we're gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen.\nJo: [Looks over his proposal] I like this Daryl. I like this a lot. Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs. Would you like an office up here?\nDaryl: Are you serious?\nJo: Yeah. Take Jim's old office.\nGabe: Um. I set my stuff up in there. So... just give me a few minutes to clean that out for you.\nJo: Yeah, I want to hear more from you.\nDaryl: Absolutely.\nJo: All right.\nDaryl: Thank you.\nJo: Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody's mind? I'm leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while!\nMichael: Oh no! Say it's not so, Jo, we're gonna miss you, we're gonna miss you so much!\nJo: Yes, well okay. Florida ain't that far away.\nMichael: Well, I am heading down there.\nJo: Well, anytime now.\nMichael: How about July 4th weekend? [Reveals paper ticket]\nJo: Oh honey you didn't buy a ticket?\nMichael: I did!\nJo: Oh honey. I'm not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay?\nMichael: You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and -\nJo: Enough!\nMichael: All right, everybody, just try to put a brave face on.\nMichael: Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Hmmm.\nDaryl: [singing] Moving on up, to the East Side, to the deluxe apartment in the sky...\nMichael: Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now. You are stressed, and I'm taking you to lunch.\nJo: No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set.\nMichael: No is not an option.\nJo: Yes it is.\nMichael: All right. Well if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no.\nJo: How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?\nMichael: [laughs] I'll be over there.\nJim: And I'm actually pleased to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now.\nDwight: [Whispers] Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you.\nJim: What?\nDwight: My headphones are broken.\nJim: Right.\nDwight: Can I listen to my music at a low volume?\nJim: Yeah that's great. Great.\nDwight: Okay? [Unplugs cord, sings] 'The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-'\nJim: [Overlapping] When's the last time you upgraded your printer?\nD: - and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don't know when-'\nJim: [Whispers] Please stop that!\nDwight: -But we'll be together then-'\nJim: Can you grow up?\nDwight: -Dad, you know we'll have a good time then.'\nJim: [Turns off Dwight's music] Whether it's this time or next time.\nAndy: [Vocalizes and continues song] 'The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon'\nJim: [On business call] Yeah.\nAndy and Dwight: [Singing, Dwight supplies beats] 'Little boy blue and the man in the moon.'\nJim: No, we definitely can talk about it in the next-\nAndy and Dwight: When you coming home Dad?\nJim: You know, can I call you back?\nAndy and Dwight: I don't know when-'\nJim: That would be great, thank you.\nAndy and Dwight: But we'll get together then, we're gonna have a good time-'\nJim: [On phone in hallway] No, I know I need to work, I just- I feel weird not being home.\nJim: I am not surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working.\nErin: This fax came for you. [Coughs]\nJo: Oh no no no! Are you feeling ill?\nErin: Uh...\nJo: Oh no honey, if you got a bug, I want you to go on home. I can't have you getting Callie and Jo Jr. sick. These dogs have got to be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week.\nErin: Oh! No. I feel like I could lift a car.\nJo: Yeah, but you sound like death, girl. Now why don't you go on home and take care of yourself and get in bed. And shred that and have them send me a clean fax, okay?\nErin: Well... [Jo closes door on her]\nAndy: She should go home. It's not the end of the world. We'll go on our date next week. She's still gonna like me in a week. Right?\nJo: Yes?\nAndy: I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you. [Turns feint]\nJo: Oh! You're sick! [Andy coughs] Dangit! That's exactly why I sent that receptionist home.\nAndy: No, no, no, no, no.\nJo: Get everybody sick in the office.\nAndy: I have some good ideas...\nJo: We don't need any heroes here honey. It's time for you to get on home now.\nAndy: You sure?\nJo: You'll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on.\nMichael: Very nice.\nDaryl: Not bad, huh?\nMichael: A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen?\nDaryl: I impressed her with my good ideas.\nMichael: Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it?\nDaryl: I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there.\nMichael: How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?\nDaryl: Now Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television.\nMichael: Okay. All right.\nJo: Hey there.\nMichael: Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.\nJo: Well there's chatting time and there's working time. I'm still on working time.\nMichael: Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so.\nJo: Well, if you feel like you've done a solid days work...\nMichael: Right. What?\nJo: Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home.\nMichael: Mm. mm. Oh well.\nJo: Anything else I can help you with?\nMichael: No, no, no. That's super-clear-ish. [Exits, closes door, takes off coat.] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.\nKevin: Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous.\nMichael: Hey Pack-man.\nTodd Packer: Hey what's up, Butt-plug?\nMichael: How you doing stud? You already there?\nTodd Packer: Dude, I've been here since three! I've boot and rallied twice.\nMichael: How's the lady situation?\nTodd Packer: Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance.\nMichael: Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late.\nTodd Packer: Oh here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!\nMichael: Yeah. Maybe next year.\nTodd Packer: Maybe next 'queer.' Hey ladies, who wants some bangers and mash?\nErin: [Opens door, surprised] Oh! Andy!\nAndy: Hi!\nErin: I'm in my jammy-jams!\nAndy: That's okay, I'm in my 'worky-works.' You look amazing!\nErin: Oh, thanks. Come in!\nMeredith: Hey! Me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?\nKevin: Oh I'm in.\nOscar: I'm in.\nMeredith: All right. [The four of them get out of chairs to run out, Jo exits her office. They retreat.]\nJo: Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee by slacking off. [Scoffs] You do it by working hard. Or marrying rich. I did both!\nDwight: Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. [Jim is silent] No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working. [Whistles 'Cat's in the Cradle' song]\nDwight: Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening [phone rings] I have...\nJo: Hello?\nJim: Hey Jo, it's Jim Halpert. I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client. And it's so weird, because we never have meetings after 5pm. But I was hoping that maybe just this once, it would be okay.\nJo: Well sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers.\nJim: You know I will. And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this!\nJo: Okay.\nJim: Okay.\nJo: Sorry Sugar. What'd you want?\nDwight: Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I'm just gonna reschedule for next week.\nJo: Thank you.\nJim: [pops back into Jo's doorway] Thanks again by the way.\nDaryl: Hey! What are you fellas doing up here?\nWarehouse guy 1: We're here to bust you out!\nDaryl: I wish, but uh-\nWarehouse guy 1: Dude! Your shirt tucked in?\nDaryl: Oh. Yeah, um, I must have did that when I was in the bathroom. All right then, uh, let me get to it.\nWarehouse guy 1: All right.\nWarehouse guy 2: See you later.\nErin: Your hand's cold.\nAndy: It is? I'm sorry.\nErin: Yeah, have some more blanket.\nAndy: Okay, thanks.\nReid: What's up?\nAndy: Whoa!\nErin: You're awake. Andy, this is my brother, Reid.\nAndy: I didn't know you had a brother.\nErin: He's my foster brother.\nAndy: Well, any brother of Erin's is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you. Andy Bernard. [They shake hands]\nReid: Cold hands. [Takes spot next to Erin on love seat]\nAndy: Are we rotating seats, or?\nReid: Oh yeah, you're the guest. Take the easy chair, best seat in the house. Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork and her smelly feet.\nErin: Hey! My feet aren't smelly, they smell like roses. Smell them! [puts her feet in his face]\nReid: Ooh! [Erin giggles]\nAndy: So, how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent or-?\nErin: None. We were in the same house from ages ten to twelve. And then from fifteen to eighteen.\nAndy: All right. Formative years. [She laughs]\nReid: Nice skirt.\nAndy: Yeah, it's a kilt.\nNight cleaning crew: Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry. [They retreat. Pan around office still full with staff.]\nAngela: Yes, I'm anxious to get off work. But let me be clear. It's not to celebrate St Patrick's Day. It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day.\nJo: Overnight all my damn bags home. I'm carrying nothing but my Sable gloves. I've had it with Homeland Security. And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my Blackberry.\nMichael: How late do we have to work tonight?\nGabe: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.\nMichael: Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?\nGabe: Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead! [Laughs]\nMichael: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing.\nMichael: Hello Jo.\nJo: Anything I can do for you Puddin'?\nMichael: There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sorta late. It's 8:30. And it's St. Patrick's Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees.\nJo: Hmm.\nMichael: I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around.\nJo: All right then.\nMichael: Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day. [Starts to leave office] And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship.\nJo: Michael?\nMichael: Yes.\nJo: I look forward to that too.\nAndy: Ooh. It's coming down out there.\nErin: Yes. Thank you, for coming all the way here.\nAndy: No, I-\nErin: I'm so sorry I was so sick. [Andy leans in. She leans in. Reid appears in background. Erin kisses Andy on the cheek.]\nAndy: Ah. Oh great, now I'm gonna get sick. [They both laugh]\nMichael: Excuse me, excuse me. Hey guys!\nMeredith, Creed, Oscar and Matt: [cheering Michael]\nMichael: Drinks are on me!\nOscar: No! No, no no! Put your credit cards away. Drinks are on us!\nMichael: Oh -hoh! All right.\nMichael: Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late? Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, 'Don't worry, be happy.'\nTodd Packer: Whoops! [Humps Michael]\nMichael: Okay. Okay, all right. Best night ever. [Meredith joins behind Packer] What the hell is going on back there?\nJim: Yeah. We should be able to have that right over to you by Monday. Yeah no problem. [Reveal Jim behind Quad-Desk] Thank you.\nDwight: What the hell is this?\nJim: Oh!\nDwight: This is not Mega-Desk.\nJim: No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk.\nDwight: That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.\nJim: Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then aren't we? [Dwight's phone rings. He crawls into nook under Jim's Quad-Desk]\nDwight: Hello, Dwight Schrute?"}
{"text": "Michael: Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. [holds up photo] Do you know who that is?\nJim: No.\nMichael: Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt, jeans...\nJim: Is he you?\nMichael: [laughs] I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp.\nJim: Where did you take that?\nMichael: In my condo complex.\nJim: Oh my God, that's right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton.\nMichael: I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.\nJim: Sure. That they should do one.\nMichael: [feigning accent] Hey, Jim, Jim - where, where do I find the Black Pearl?\nJim: Who's that?\nMichael: Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.\nJim: John Dillinger.\nMichael: No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.\nJim: Captain Crunch.\nMichael: Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?\nJim: At the Yankees game. Yeah.\nMichael: Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.\nJim: I had a little better reason to believe that... You're right. You're right. Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp...\nMichael: I know, I know.\nJim: ...in your condo complex.\nMichael: I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.\nJim: M. Night Shulman?\nMichael: [speaking at a staff meeting] First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like -\nStanley: When are we getting to sales topics?\nDwight: Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate?\nMichael: Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company... are not here yet. But will be.. [muttering, people rise to leave] No, no, meeting's not over.\nPhyllis: But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?\nMichael: No sales topic per se.\nAndy: Well then no Andy Bernard per se. [Andy and others begin exiting the room]\nMichael: Dwight?\nDwight: Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make.\nMichael: I would like your undivided attention, please.\nDwight: You couldn't handle my undivided attention.\nMichael: Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.\nDwight: Listen, Michael - about what happened earlier.\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: When I was asking about the leads.\nMichael: M-hmm.\nDwight: ... is there any news on the leads?\nMichael: Is that all you have to say to me?\nDwight: Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! [leaves office] Alright, Dwight out!\nDwight: Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?\nAngela: Hm-hm. Do you not answer e-mails anymore? Because I've e-mailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.\nPhyllis: Honey, if I don't have time to answer an e-mail, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk.\nMichael: Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big cheque. [Jim stands in corner, texting]\nJim: Oh, sorry, wait one second.\nMichael: Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you.\nJim: This is actually a big potential sale, so...\nMichael: You writing your memoirs over there?\nJim: You writing your name over there?\nMichael: Well, it's a pretty big check.\nJim: That's good. You know, with the kid.\nMichael: Okay. Don't gloat. Here's the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.\nJim: Alright, here we go. [taps page] Michael...\nMichael: I'm just saying, that -\nJim: Michael - [Michael signs] Great.\nAndy: [on phone] Very nice. Let me just, let me just write that down real quick. [motions to Darryl] Pencil? Can you give me that pencil? Hang on Teddy... [covers phone] I'm making a sale. Sales.\nDarryl: There's other pencil's in this office.\nAndy: Give me that [wrestles with Darryl, Andy falls over chair and to the floor]\nMichael: Honey and jelly sandwich time. [removes lunch from fridge]\nDarryl: Michael.\nMichael: Oh, you got to be kidding me. [holds up squashed sandwich] Look at that. That's -\nDarryl: I know who did that.\nMichael: You saw who did this and you didn't stop them?\nDarryl: Didn't have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control.\nMichael: The sales department smashed my sandwich.\nDarryl: Yes. All of 'em. Together. It's a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them.\nMichael: You don't get it.\nDarryl: You need to get back on top.\nMichael: That's what she said.\nDarryl: Yeah.\nMichael: Yeah.\nErin: Something came for you, Michael. [hands him a parcel]\nMichael: Thank you very much.\nJim: What'd you get?\nMichael: Ah, just the stupid leads.\nJim: Alright!\nStanley: About time.\nAndy: Me likey!\nPhyllis: Finally, Michael. Hand 'em over, numbnuts. [Michael stares at her incredulously] But seriously. It's your job to give us those leads.\nMichael: Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim... I think I am not going to give these to you. [Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud]\nStanley: We need those leads, Michael. It's our job Michael. Michael!\nGabe: [on phone] Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.\nMichael: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone.\nGabe: Michael, I don't want to incentivise murder. But - we've tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff -\nMichael: They act like I have no power.\nGabe: But you do. You are in charge -\nMiichael: Thank you.\nGabe: #NAME?\nMichael: Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that.\nGabe: Okay, good.\nMichael: Exactly that.\nGabe: Good.\nMichael: Exactly that.\nGabe: Why do you keep repeating - [Michael hangs up]\nMichael: Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed! [hands him a lead]\nPhyllis: What are you -\nMichael: - and to King Meredith! [hands her a lead]\nStanley: They aren't salespeople!\nMichael: And to King Angela! [hands her a lead] Because today we are all kings. And queens [pats Oscar's shoulder].\nPhyllis: What the hell do you think you're doing?\nMichael: I'm giving them the leads, Phyllis.\nJim: Hey.\nMichael: Hey.\nJim: So I'm going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one's going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?\nMichael: Mm-hmm.\nJim: Alright. So why don't you just give me my share of the leads, and I'll start making some calls?\nMichael: Okay. [passes Jim some index cards]\nJim: Hey, alright.\nMichael: Alright.\nJim: Ahh, these aren't leads. What are they?\nMichael: Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?\nJim: I don't think you understand -\nMichael: I do understand it.\nJim: [holds up card] This one's a map.\nMichael: Or is it?\nAngela: Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail.\nPhyllis: Are you gonna give me the leads or not?\nAngela: I'll give you the leads. But you know what? It's going to cost you some clerical work [hands her a mountain of paperwork]\nPhyllis: What are these for?\nAngela: It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you're done, you can watch me shred them.\nKelly: I want to watch the Kardashians! I don't want to watch boring -\nRyan: It's my -\nStanley: The Kardashians is a good show.\nRyan: No it's - how would he even know the Kardashians?\nKelly: It's about a family. A real-life family.\nRyan: No, Stanley, do you -\nPam: [over phone] Hey baby, what's up?\nJim: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?\nPam: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.\nJim: Oh my god, I couldn't envy you more.\nJim: Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies [holds up index cards] - that's just unfair.\nJim: How about this one - 'When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place.'\nPam: He means his mopey place, it's under that streetlamp that he thinks was in Casablanca.\nJim: I love you.\nMichael: Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. [cuts to Jim fishing one of the leads out of a catering size tin of Ravioli] A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally [clue next to Jim reads: 'Now that's Italian!'] Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing [cut to scenes of chaos as everyone argues] Some people shouldn't be in this business.\nAndy: Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman.\nErin: Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. [grins] I hid the leads.\nAndy: Where?\nErin: [mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key, Andy begins to walk away] Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. [Andy hovers his hands above her chest] Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower.\nAndy: Are you...\nErin: Lower.\nAndy: Are you sure?\nErin: Lower [tilts head toward her desk, then flips over her keyboard, revealing the leads. Andy scratches his head, recovering]\nDwight: What are you doing, idiot? [Jim is crouched down, peering under a car]\nJim: Michael's stupid scavenger hunt.\nDwight: Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. [grabs card] 'The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.'\nJim: [taps car] Lincoln.\nDwight: The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.\nJim: [holds up the retrieved lead] It involves you too.\nDwight: The leads are in?\nDwight: Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in.\nMichael: Well, bigshot, 'If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes'.\nDwight: Kevin! Damnit [runs over to Kevin's desk] Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C'mon -\nKevin: You are never going to find them.\nDwight: Really.\nKevin: I'm going to enjoy this.\nDwight: [begins to strangle him] Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?\nKevin: [muffled] I'm still enjoying it.\nDwight: Where are they?\nKevin: Turn the trash. Turn the trash.\nDwight: Turn the trash [releases him - Kevin coughs] It's code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress.\nMeredith: [stands up and reaches for her buttons] Okey-dokey.\nKevin: No, dear god, no, it's in the trash can. In the kitchen.\nMeredith: It's coming off anyway.\nDwight: [dashes to kitchen, overturns the trash can, tastes the bin liner] Clean sack.\nKevin: What -\nErin: I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby's baba ganoush.\nToby: If we don't patronise the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and make-your-own salads.\nDwight: [dives into dumpster, rattling noises then he emerges] It's empty!\nMichael: Wait. What day is today?\nKevin: Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So, Friday.\nMichael: Oh my god. Oh my god [takes off running] oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey [chases after garbage van] wait, wait!\nMichael: Okay. You know what, let's just go to the dump, start looking - Ryan, c'mon, shotgun in my car -\nPhyllis: Michael, why would we all go to the dump?\nMichael: Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump.'\nStanley: Not your staff, Michael. You.\nMichael: Well, that's not the way it's going t sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you -\nToby: Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a, falafel?\nMichael: Really?\nAngela: I'm not going. You did this, not us.\nMichael: Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit [looks to Jim for vocab-reassurance] Complicit. You were all successories!\nDarryl: That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go.\nMichael: You can.\nDarryl: I can't. You know that.\nMichael: Okay fine, I get it. I'll just go by myself.\nDwight: I'll go, Michael. You'll just screw it up.\nDwight: [looks around dump] This place has gone to hell.\nMichael: You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me.\nDwight: Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak.\nMichael: Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters.\nKelly: [to Oscar] You're adorable. You need to go for it. [Jim enters the break room] I'm going to be, like, mad at you if you don't -\nJim: Phew! Can't wait for this day to be over.\nKelly: Why?\nJim: Just all the - drama.\nKelly: What drama?\nJim: Between the - us and you guys. It's unnecessary, right?\nKelly: So unnecessary.\nJim: Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that.\nKelly: I mean, if the salesmen weren't acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn't be so bad - did you ever think of that?\nJim: I have new baby pictures.\nKelly: Don't use your cute baby to make us like you.\nJim: She's wearing a onesie [holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm]\nStanley: If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly.\nJim: Didn't we kind of start it?\nPhyllis: I think you're remembering that wrong?\nAndy: Yeah.\nPhyllis: I don't know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company's changed, and if they don't like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India.\nJim: Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable, and may be heading for something bad?\nAndy: All those who agree, say aye [all present - Stanley, Andy and Phyllis - raise their hands] All those opposed -\nJim: I don't think we need opposed.\nMichael: [kicking through rubbish at the dump] You've changed, man.\nDwight: Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?\nMichael: Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.\nDwight: Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.\nMichael: No, I'm talking about your personality, Dwight.\nDwight: When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I'd assistant managed him -\nMichael: Assistant to the managed him -\nDwight: Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot!\nMichael: Yeah.\nDwight: Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you - you, going nowhere.\nMichael: You think you would have done better without me? Really?\nDwight: I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.\nMichael: Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldn't have been hanging out watching karate movies with you -\nDwight: Kung-fu movies!\nMichael: You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies -\nDwight: Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars.\nMichael: That's my wife you're talking about, man.\nDwight: Your made-up wife? Who doesn't exist? [Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps] You watch it!\nMichael: If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you.\nDwight: Don't do it [lobs something at Michael]\nMichael: No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. [they throw volleys of rubbish at each other] No, time out, time out. [Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight] Time in!\nDwight: No! [lunges for a large wooden spool]\nMichael: Don't even think about that [Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.]\nDwight: [kicks spool] Stop it, get out! That's my spool.\nPhyllis: What's the least we can do to make this okay?\nJim: I'll text Pam. She's really good at this stuff.\nAndy: And I'll text Erin. She's really good at this stuff too.\nPhyllis: I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.\nStanley: That is a dangerous precedent.\nJim: Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods.\nPhyllis: Oh, if they don't have an iPod by now they really don't want one.\nJim: Alright. Then we're back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I'm for it.\nPhyllis: Okay, fine. Cash it is.\nAndy: Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from far-away beaches'.\nMichael: Okay, Dwight. Here we go [picks up a sink, spills dump juice on his pants] oh god.\nDwight: Oh [half-heartedly throws something]\nMichael: We're never going to find those leads, are we? [they both sit on the edge of a claw-footed bathtub]\nDwight: [surveys the mountains of trash surrounding them] Wow. Amazing, isn't it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this.\nPhyllis: So how about, guys, one percent commission a month instead of two, what do you -\nJim: No, we agreed, two percent for the quarter. Okay [others enter] Hey everybody!\nMeredith: [stares at the table filled with treats] Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty.\nJim: No, no - this is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is: really sorry.\nAndy: Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.\nPhyllis: Yeah, we wanted to do the right thing. So... [Jim gestures for her to continue]\nOscar: Way to go, guys. This was an integrity move.\nKevin: Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell.\nAngela: Do you have any pastries without fruit?\nJim: Yes! We do. [opens box] Eclairs.\nStanley: [enters room] Well, you better be happy, taking two percent of our -\nJim: #NAME?\nPhyllis: Our treats, Stanley, they've accepted our simple offer of treats. Nothing more.\nStanley: [beams] This is - nice! [pats Oscar's shoulder] All of us back together.\nMichael: This [picks up racquet] Why would somebody throw that out?\nDwight: Hey [holds up an old sweater] You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple, much?\nMichael: Yeah, she does - she loves purple. [Dwight sniffs it] Does it stink?\nDwight: Yeah [puts it back in the bath tub]\nMichael: Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read:\nDwight: Hope - grows.\nMichael: In the dump.\nDwight: [drives into office parking lot, honking horn. Enormous purple object strapped to the roof of their car] Woo hoo!\nStanley: Good news that you found our leads?\nMichael: No! Better!\nDwight: We have an awesome bean bag chair that's perfect for the break room. [reaches out the window and pats it]\nPhyllis: Yuck. I'm not going to sit on that disgusting seat.\nDwight: Yeah, damn right you're not. 'Cause it's for me and Michael only [they both cheer and high-five]\nAndy: [at dump] It's freezing out here.\nErin: [strips off jacket] Go on. I have warm blood. [tries to drape her small jacket across Andy's back]\nAndy: Oh wow, thank you. You're the nicest person I've ever met. [Andy and Erin kiss]"}
{"text": "Dwight: [Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups] Breathe. Work your core. Come on.\nMichael: How many is that?\nDwight: Not counting the last one, 25.\nMichael: Count the last one.\nDwight: Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!\nMichael: Oh, new record!\nDwight: Okay.\nMichael: Oh, what did you do today?\nJim: I made a sale.\nMichael: Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.\nMeredith: What do we get if we do 'em?\nMichael: My respect. [everyone returns to work] Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups -\nDwight: And one girl push-up.\nMichael: Gets to go home. [everyone starts to do push-ups] Ooh! I say 'dance,' they say 'how high?' Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. [steps on Angela] Disqualified!\nAngela: Ow!\nMichael: What do we got? Creed, disqualified.\nCreed: [from desk chair] Oh, come on!\nJim: 19. [grunts] I had a really hard work out this morning.\nMichael: [Stanley straining and breathing heavily] Oh, wow, that is adorable!\nPhyllis: Ten...\nMichael: Yeah, I'm betting one more.\nPhyllis: Eleven, wow!\nMichael: Good.\nEveryone: [chanting] Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley...\nMichael: Alright, alright. [chanting continues]\nOscar: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.\nMichael: Well, it's not exactly fair. He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down.\nDwight: 25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it!\nPhyllis: One more, one more! [cheers and applause]\nOscar: You okay? You okay, Stanley?\nStanley: Excuse me.\nJim: Wow. [applause]\nOscar: Hey. Matt, right?\nMatt: Hey, Oscar. You're here early.\nOscar: I always come in at 7.\nWarehouse Guy: No, you don't.\nOscar: Well... Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight?\nMatt: I don't know. I'm free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know.\nOscar: Yeah.\nOscar: Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. [tries to open door, locked] Just a couple of hours to kill before work.\nDarryl: Hey, what's up?\nOscar: Hey, nice office.\nDarryl: Thanks, it's cool. So...\nOscar: You know what we haven't done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink.\nDarryl: Has that ever happened? Ever?\nOscar: Didn't we? I think we did.\nDarryl: You want me to invite Matt?\nOscar: Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included.\nDarryl: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.\nOscar: So happy hour.\nDarryl: Happy hour. My pleasure.\nOscar: All right.\nOscar: So what do you think?\nPhyllis: Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I'd like to try. I'll ask Bob.\nPhyllis: Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats 'em up. What?\nAndy: A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.\nJim: I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam's at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in.\nAndy: Oh, baloney.\nJim: Good one.\nAndy: Ring her up.\nJim: Absolutely, I will do that right now.\nJim: I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I - and I love her. I also love her, very much.\nJim: So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-\nPam: [on phone] Yes! Yes! I would love to!\nAndy: Ha! Knew it!\nPam: [through phone] It's been so long since I've been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley's going to be there. Yes, oh my God!\nJim: I did not see this coming.\nAndy: Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. [whispering] Are you going later?\nErin: Sure, if you are.\nAndy: Yes.\nErin: Talk to me that way again, and I'll cut your face off.\nAndy: Whoa.\nAndy: We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um... but we're kinda keeping it quiet for now 'cause it's still kind of a new thing. It's a little delicate, and we just don't want all the drama.\nErin: Exactly.\nAndy: Yeah, cause when everyone knows- [knock on window, open blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures] That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.\nErin: Quiet.\nAndy: Hey, boss man.\nMichael: Yes?\nAndy: A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?\nMichael: Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time.\nAndy: I'm sorry, I meant later.\nMichael: Ok, yes. Sure.\nAndy: For happy hour?\nMichael: No, I got that.\nAndy: Trying to get a head count.\nMichael: I am in.\nAndy: All right, yes! It's a deal.\nMichael: It's a deal.\nPam: Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: I want her to meet Michael.\nJim: Why?\nPam: They're both single, I have a sense they might-\nJim: You've been gone for a long time.\nPam: It is not that. Kevin! Oh!\nKevin: Yeah! [hugs Pam]\nPam: Hey, how are you?\nKevin: Oh, I missed you so much.\nPam: Aw!\nKevin: Yeah!\nPam: Yeah!\nKevin: Waaah! [starts to make crying baby noises]\nKevin: When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what's fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know... that would be funny.\nMichael: Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs]\nJim: Easy.\nMichael: It's not a birthday, it's not a good-bye party...\nJim: Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth.\nMichael: Sucks to be you.\nJim: Would you like to be our fourth?\nMichael: That would be sublime.\nJim: All right.\nDarryl: So, the guy shows me the deck he's built. And I'm like, 'I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.' [laughter, Oscar looks toward door] It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs.\nPam: Hey, Michael.\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: This is my friend Julie.\nMichael: Hello, how are you?\nJulie: Good. Hi.\nMichael: What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs]\nPam: Julie laughs at everything.\nJulie: So you work with Pam and Jim?\nMichael: Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.\nJulie: [giggles] I should hope not.\nMichael: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.\nIsabel: Hey.\nPam: Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness.\nIsabel: Of course.\nPam: You want to play pool?\nIsabel: Um, I'm gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone.\nPam: Ok.\nAngela: And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-\nDwight: Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn't Isabel.\nIsabel: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?\nIsabel: A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.\nDwight: Ooh, I love repartee.\nIsabel: Do you?\nDwight: Usually means there's a battle scene coming.\nMichael: So, what do you do?\nJulie: I am an ESL teacher.\nMichael: Really?\nJulie: Yeah.\nMichael: See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?\nJulie: Are you thinking that I said 'ESP?'\nMichael: Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.\nJulie: I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.\nJim: So what do you think?\nMichael: About what?\nJim: About Julie?\nMichael: She's nice.\nJim: Yeah.\nMichael: Yeah.\nJim: So you like her?\nMichael: Uh, yeah, sure.\nJim: So Pam was right?\nMichael: About what?\nJim: About you two hitting it off.\nMichael: [removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap]\nHide: My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.\nOscar: I know.\nPam: Hey, Michael, where have you been? [Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces]\nJim: Hey, you're supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok?\nPam: Why are you wearing a hat now?\nMichael: Guys, come on, I'm on a date. Let me do my thang.\nMichael: Hi, I'm date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink]\nJim: You want to just make a run for it?\nPam: Maybe.\nKevin: Waaaah! [Kevin fake-cries into Pam's chest] Waaaaah! Mommy!\nJim: What is happening?\nAndy: Whoa! What is crackin?\nRyan: Guys, one second. [on dance videogame]\nKelly: We're focusing, we're focusing, we can't talk.\nErin: What's this game?\nRyan: One second.\nAndy: Yeah, how do you play?\nRyan: Guys, guys, guys, please. [game ends] Ok, all right, it's all yours now.\nKelly: Only three tickets.\nRyan: If we save 'em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.\nKelly: Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.\nRyan: I know, but you wanted the big thing.\nAndy: Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?\nErin: Oh I know.\nAndy: They'd be like, 'what's up with those two?'\nErin: Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.'\nAndy: Did we miss the wedding?' Um, I got it-I'll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we'll switch.\nErin: Yes, okay. Yeah, that's smart.\nAndy: No drama. Ok.\nIsabel: Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole.\nDwight: Any brothers or sisters?\nIsabel: Three brothers.\nDwight: Really?\nIsabel: Two are in the Marines, one's a cop.\nDwight: Vegetarian?\nIsabel: No. I love meat.\nDwight: What's your blood type?\nIsabel: O-negative. Universal donor.\nDwight: Universal donor. [startled by Angela, curses]\nDwight: Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.\nMichael: Hey, guys, guys, guys. [steals a cherry from waitress passing buy] Watch this. Ready?\nJulie: What are you doing?\nMichael: I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.\nJim: Michael, you don't have to do this.\nMichael: [choking] Wow. Oh, wow, that was close.\nMichael: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.\nPhyllis: Hey, you two having fun?\nAndy: Did you tell them?\nErin: No.\nAndy: This is exactly what I don't want, the drama. I don't want the drama!\nErin: I get it.\nIsabel: [Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole] You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?\nDwight: Whacking moles. Hit 'em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.\nIsabel: Whack!\nDwight: Extend the fingers more.\nIsabel: Whack!\nDwight: Good.\nAngela: This looks like a hoot.\nDwight: Hey, monkey, how you doing?\nAngela: Whack.\nDwight: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?\nAngela: Okay.\nDwight: Look, I've been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don't need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.\nAngela: It's no worry.\nDwight: It's just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family.\nAngela: I could see enjoying that.\nDwight: No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You're off the hook.\nAngela: But we signed the contract.\nDwight: Dissolved. Don't worry, you're free. Okay? Okay. See you later.\nAngela: We both-you didn't dup-\nJim: [Michael playing air guitar on pool table] Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he's not normally like this.\nPam: Maybe it should come from a man.\nJim: Maybe it should come from a note... with flowers...tomorrow.\nBar Manager: Hello.\nMichael: Hello.\nBar Manager: Hi.\nMichael: Hi.\nBar Manager: You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?\nMichael: Yeah, why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?\nPam: Hey, Michael, why don't you just get down.\nMichael: Hey, she can tell I'm on a date, right? Right? I'm just having fun.\nBar Manager: Ted, are we having fun?\nMichael: Really? You told on me. That's lame.\nBouncer: We got a problem?\nMichael: Yes. Homelessness. What?\nBar Manager: All right, go.\nMichael: Where?\nBar Manager: Get out. Now.\nMichael: Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I'm just kidding around. I'm sorry.\nPam: Ok, um, why don't we just finish the game? Michael, it's your shot.\nMichael: She can't talk to us that way.\nPam: You guys are stripes, I think...\nMichael: You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?\nJim: It stopped.\nMichael: Well, I am starting it again!\nPam: Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.\nMichael: Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize.\nBar Manager: Then I am sorry that I didn't kick you out.\nMichael: I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.\nBar Manager: Well, uh, I'm the manager here, sir.\nMichael: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don't see that from you.\nBar Manager: Is that how you do it?\nMichael: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.\nBar Manager: Really? How much have you written?\nMichael: I've written all of it... in my head.\nBar Manager: Oh.\nMichael: If you're really interested, it's called 'Somehow I Manage' and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.\nBar Manager: Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca's? It's a classic.\nMichael: Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.\nBar Manager: Dude, tonight! You're not going to want to put it down. It's gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow.\nMichael: I own a Chrysler.\nBar Manager: Shut up.\nMichael: No, you shut up.\nBar Manager: What's your drink?\nMichael: Grenadine.\nBar Manager: What?\nAndy: We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead.\nErin: Okay.\nAndy: [Andy sits at table with another woman] Hi.\nGirl at table: Hi.\nAndy: I don't normally do this, but...\nGirl at table: Do what?\nAndy: Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.\nErin: [Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh] Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?\nAndy: [Andy spits out his drink] What are you doing?\nErin: What we said to do.\nAndy: We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!\nErin: I was flirting with a man.\nAndy: Get in here. [Andy and Erin go into photo booth] Where did you learn to talk like that?\nErin: The movies. I don't know.\nAndy: Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?\nMichael: I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.\nBar Manager: You have a card?\nMichael: I did. I actually put it in your bowl.\nBar Manager: Stanley Hudson?\nMichael: No, no.\nBar Manager: Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson's in here.\nMichael: No, it's Michael Scott.\nBar Manager: Michael Scott?\nMichael: He is I.\nBar Manager: You just won yourself a lunch.\nMichael: Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up]\nJulie: I think I'm gonna go.\nPam: Really?\nJulie: Yeah.\nPam: I'm sorry, he's not usually like that.\nJulie: What's he usually like?\nPam: He's more, just... like... you can go.\nJulie: Yeah.\nJim: All right.\nPam: Okay. Bye.\nJim: See ya. Nice girl.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: Hey, Julie! You having fun? [Julie leaves]\nBar Manager: So... when are you coming in for that free lunch? You're gonna want to come in on a day that I'm working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too.\nDarryl: Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right?\nOscar: I couldn't understand a word he said.\nDarryl: Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.\nOscar: Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.\nMatt: Hey, what's up?\nOscar: There he is! Hey, hey, hey.\nMatt: Anyone up for some hoops?\nOscar: Sure. Hoops!\nMatt: Let's do it.\nOscar: Hoop it up, right.\nAndy: This is not what I want my relationship to look like. [holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting]\nAndy: [over PA] Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.\nAndy: You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.\nErin: [laughs] You love drama.\nAndy: I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.\nDwight: With this move, he can't get you.\nIsabel: Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler.\nDwight: Oh, please. I wish he'd come after me. I would be like-aaah!\nAngela: Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.\nDwight: Sh-what?\nAngela: You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court.\nDwight: No, no, no. [trying to talk over her] Blah blah blah blah!\nAngela: For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.\nIsabel: What are you talking about?\nDwight: What are you-\nAngela: Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me.\nDwight: Angela...\nAngela: Did he not tell you that?\nDwight: You're really putting me in an awkward position here.\nAngela: Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?\nDwight: Angela, not here!\nAngela: Dwight?\nIsabel: Whack! [Isabel smacks Angela on forehead]\nAngela: You'll see me in small claims court!\nDwight: You are an impressive specimen.\nIsabel: Thank you. [Dwight and Isabel kiss]\nKelly: [crying] Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn't give me a refill.\nPam: Oh-oh, gosh. Oh.\nJim: You all right?\nPam: Okay, we have to get home.\nKevin: Yeah!\nMichael: Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady.\nJim: Actually, you didn't.\nPam: Not at all.\nMichael: I think I did. But I can't take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me.\nDarryl: Tell 'em your story, Hide.\nHide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!"}
{"text": "Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them. [all laugh]\nAndy: This is awesome!\nOscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.\nCookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga, [Kevin arrives behind the group] a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.\nKevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that. [all continue laughing]\nPhyllis: Say 'Me eat cookie.'\nKevin: No. I won't say it.\nDwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.\nRyan: It's Kevin as Cookie monster from Sesame Street.\nDwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?\nPhyllis: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: I love that show.\nCookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.\nRyan: Good work, buddy.\nOscar: Thank you.\nDwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.\nOscar: Yes.\nKelly: Me, too Oscar.\nRyan: C.C. me\nKevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.\nAngela: This is my favorite day.\nAndy: It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. [Andy unfurling a giant 'Happy Secretary's Day' banner by reception, placing a teddy bear on Erin's chair]. Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.\nMeredith: Here you go.\nErin: Oh, thank you.\nAndy: I do.\nDwight: [hands Erin a basket of beets]\nErin: Thank you.\nAndy: If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.\nErin: [as Halperts arrive] Welcome back!\nPam: Hey, thanks.\nPam: It's my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?... It rocked. It rocked my ass off.\nPam: [at her desk, grabs her plant and sees it dried up, looks at Jim] Oh. You couldn't have watered it?\nJim: I literally did not know that existed until this moment.\nDwight: Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.\nPam: It's nice to see you again, Dwight.\nDwight.: Hello, Pam.\nAndy: [arrives at Michael's office and sits] I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day.\nMichael: I'm going to give Erin $15.\nErin: I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch.\nMichael: A one-on-one lunch with Erin?\nAndy: Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. [Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear's arm at Michael].\nMichael: She's kind of a rube.\nAndy: [slams his hand on Michael's desk] That's my girlfriend you're talking about.\nMichael: Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'll take her to lunch.\nAndy: [taping desk] She's gonna be so psyched.\nMichael: [walks over to Erin's desk] Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day.\nErin: Well, happy Boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss.\nMichael: I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...[Erin snaps a picture of Michael] lunch.\nErin: I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's.\nMichael: Ugh.\nErin: Just the two of us.\nMichael: Well, Hayworth's is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I'm...\nErin: Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth's, but...\nMichael: Okay, well, we'll figure something. [Michael turns and starts back toward his office]\nErin: Oh.\nMichael: [looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around] Okay, let's go to Hayworth's.\nErin: [cheerfully] Okay.\nMichael: All right.\nMeredith: [sitting at kitchen table with Darryl] Have a cookie, Kev.\nKevin: Yeah, haha. Tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.\nDarryl: I brought those in. It's my birthday. That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.\nKevin: Man, Darryl, I'm sorry. [pats Darryl's back] Happy Birthday.\nDarryl: Thank you. [Kevin grabs cookie and starts eating it]\nDarryl: [as Cookie Monster] Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum.\nKevin: They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.\nKevin: [again on laptop as Cookie Monster as he shows Gabe the video] Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...\nGabe: This is violent and offensive.\nKevin: Thank you. [computer continues] It really makes me self-conscious about my voice.\nGabe: It's awful. [reaches for tissue box, hands it to Kevin]\nKevin: I'm not crying.\nGabe: You have some food on your face.\nKevin: [on computer as Cookie Monster] Do my hands feel sweaty to you? [Kevin grabs a tissue and wipes his mouth]\nGabe: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure.\nGabe: Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or e-mail this around.\nKevin: Yeah.\nGabe: And that's straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all. Ciao.\nMichael: [in his car with Erin driving to lunch] Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire.\nErin: I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?\nMichael: [shakes head, annoyed] I don't know.\nErin: I would have chosen the 1490's.\nMichael: Ahhh.\nErin: Cause America was discovered.\nMichael: Right. [sighs]\nErin: [at lunch] And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don't know, I couldn't keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. [Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed]. So it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month?\nMichael: An age or month?\nErin: Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven.\nMichael: I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.\nErin: How many pillows do you sleep on at night?\nMichael: So how are things going with Andy?\nErin: He's the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him.\nMichael: Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo.\nErin: Yeah I love that.\nMichael: Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.\nErin: What?\nMichael: I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.\nErin: Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela?\nMichael: Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh.\nHayworth's waiter: Here we go. Hot plate.\nMichael: Okay.\nHayworth's waiter: And your salad, miss.\nErin: Why wouldn't he tell me that?\nMichael: I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else.\nErin: They had sex?\nMichael: They were engaged, so... [Erin looks shocked] Okay, you know what, sir?\nHayworth's waiter: Yes?\nMichael: Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles?\nHayworth's waiter: Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles.\nMichael: Thank you.\nErin: Uhhhh, they were engaged?\nMichael: Mm-hmm. Yeah.\nErin: [face looks disgusted, moves around uncomfortably] Uh-oh...\nMichael: Well...\nErin: [moans, pulls hair over her face]\nMichael: What are you doing? What are you doing?\nErin: In the Foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming]\nMichael: Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now.\nErin: [breathes heavily, groans]\nMichael: [turns to other restaurant patrons] I'll have what she's having!\nMichael: [in Michael's car] Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch.\nPam: [feels a pain in her breast] Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha.\nJim: What's up?\nDwight: Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.\nJim: Dwight, don't be gross.\nPam: No, no, he's right.\nDwight: Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.\nPam: That's weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump?\nDwight: [removes jacket, applies hand sanitizer] All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me.\nPam: You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?\nDwight: Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.\nPam: Mm. [walks into bathroom, Meredith is using her brest pump] Meredith!\nMeredith: I just like the way it feels.\nPam: What are you doing?!\nMeredith: Just relax. Okay.\nPam: Relax?!\nMeredith: This is like the Cadillac of pumps.\nPam: Give it back to me now.\nMeredith: Okay, I was just warming it up.\nPam: It's disgusting!\nMeredith: It's not a big deal.\nPam: It's not sterile!\nMeredith: We're both girls. Who cares?\nAndy: So... how was lunch?\nErin: Lunch was fine.\nAndy: Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?\nErin: I don't know. It was lunch, Andy.\nAndy: Well, I know. [stammers] Just want... I mean... [chuckles]\nOscar: Erin? I think we're out of fax cover sheets.\nErin: God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy.\nKelly: [using a Cookie Monster voice] 'My name is Kevin, I'm an accountant.' See I did the voice.\nRyan: That's a little derivative.\nKelly: But parody is always derivative.\nRyan: Uh, it's not organic. Do you know what I mean?\nPam: Jim does a really good one. Do yours.\nJim: Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. 'Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall.'\nGabe: Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV?\nJim: Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies.'\nGabe: Ok.\nAndy: Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself.\nMichael: You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so..\nAndy: I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.\nMichael: No. No. No.\nAndy: Specific shout-out..\nMichael: Stop talking.\nAndy: Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote [starts to use a British accent] a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three..\nErin: [throws a piece of cake at Andy's face] I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me.\nMichael: Oh God.\nAndy: Can we talk about this in private?\nErin: I don't want to be in private. Is it true or is it not?\nAndy: Yes.\nErin: Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?\nPam: No, no never.\nErin: Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know?\nDwight: Yeah pretty much.\nErin: Who are you?! I don't know you! [pushes someone away to leave]\nGabe: I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.\nKevin: Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would've told you.\nErin: Thanks.\nKevin: So if you need anything, I'm right over there.\nPam: [imitating Cookie Monster] 'Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful.'\nGabe: Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it. I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days.\nPam: What? What do you mean, suspend me?\nJim: I think you need to go a little easy. You can't just suspend someone form work.\nGabe: Yeah, you're right. You know what? Um, you're suspended too Jim. [Dwight starts to clap] Ok fine. You too Dwight.\nDwight: Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.\nGabe: I don't want to hear it. Suspended.\nKevin: C' is for suspension.\nAndy: Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day?\nMichael: Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like.. that's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap.\nAndy: I was going to tell her, just on my own time.\nMichael: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.\nAndy: Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things.\nAngela: Psst. Hey. Erin.\nErin: You want to talk to me, come to my desk.\nAngela: You embarrassed me earlier.\nErin: Oh. Take it up with the chief of police.\nAngela: You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it.\nErin: I want to throw up just thinking about it.\nAngela: You are throwing up for the wrong reasons!\nToby: [standing behind Erin] I don't think this fax is going through. Is there a different... I can just put it through again, you know.\nPam: Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim.\nErin: Really?\nPam: Yeah. And he worked here too.\nErin: It was Andy, wasn't it?\nPam: No, no it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.\nErin: I hope you find what you're looking for.\nPam: Thank you. [kisses Jim on the cheek]\nGabe: [talking on the phone] So I can reprimand them but I can't suspend them. Oh I can't do either. Uh huh. Fair enough.\nPam: [answers phone] Hey Toby.\nToby: I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in, but he can't dock your pay. That's not legal.\nPam: Very interesting.\nToby: Yeah, I also learned some interesting things about how they structure...\nPam: [Gabe walks in] Thanks Toby.\nGabe: Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I'm glad I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what's really important. [Pam hands Jim a note] It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension.\nPam: I don't think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension.\nJim: And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that.\nDwight: [gets up and walks towards Gabe] Prideful idiots. Watch how it's done. [Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave] Gabriel, I apologize.\nGabe: Great.\nDwight: [gets on one knee] I kneel before you.\nGabe: Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.\nDwight: Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.\nGabe: [following Jim and Pam to their car] Guys, to err is human. [trying to block their car]\nErin: Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?\nAndy: Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.\nErin: How long were you guys together?\nAndy: A year.\nErin: A year? You were together for a year?\nAndy: Yeah but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else...\nErin: I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok?\nAndy: I didn't see that movie.\nGabe: [walking back into the office] That was ugly. I'm sorry you had to see that.\nKelly: Do they still get paid?\nGabe: It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened.\nOscar: Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.\nMeredith: Pathetic.\nGabe: Can I buy everyone coffees? [everyone shakes their heads] [in Cookie Monster voice] 'Or cookies.'\nDwight: What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression?\nGabe: Alright.\nKevin: [imitating Gabe] Uh guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person.\nGabe: You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm one of the gang.\nDwight: I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.'\nKevin: Ciao' Right? 'Ciao. I say Ciao because I'm fancy from Tallahassee.'\nGabe: Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? [everyone says ciao]\nErin: [sitting on bench outside groaning]\nMichael: Erin?\nErin: Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone.\nMichael: No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down?\nErin: I can't trust Andy anymore.\nMichael: Oh. Yep. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing.\nErin: It's Andy's fault.\nMichael: Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis.\nErin: Oh, I like his butt.\nMichael: You said butt.\nErin: You tricked me!\nMichael: Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him: 'Hey! Hey Scott!'\nAndy: Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day.\nOscar's voice from the computer: Hey Kevin it's Oscar. I'm looking at the sheet you sent me. And I can't seem to find the column for shipping cost.\nKevin: I made the most brilliant retaliation video. It's awesome.\nPhyllis: I don't get it.\nJim: Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice.\nPam: Yeah. 'I vant to count to ten'.\nKevin: But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers.\nKelly: But you're an accountant too.\nOscar: Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch?\nPam: That would have been funny.\nKevin: But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple.\nMichael: [walking up] Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? 'Oscar. I am the Count.' Nailed him. Nailed him. [Gives Kevin a fist pump] Good work Cookie Monster.\nKevin: Thank you."}
{"text": "Michael: Buenos dias, Erin.\nErin: Buenos dias, Miguel. [phone rings] Hello, Dunder-Mifflin.\nMichael: No, no, no, no. Solamente en espanol, por favor.\nMichael: I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country should learn how to speak Spanish. They are our neighbors to the South, and this would be a healing thing for... for all of North America. And... I am going on vacation next week to Cancun.\nMichael: Buenos dias, Jaime.\nJim: Buenos dias, Miguel. Como estas? Bien? Claro que si! Yo estoy fantastico. Que pasa?\nMichael: Ha ha! Buenos dias, Dwight!\nDwight: Guten tag, Herr Michael.\nDwight: I don't understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very good authority that within 20 years, everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.\nMichael: La telefona.\nOscar: El telefono.\nOscar: Michael's having a hard time with the gender part of Spanish. So I told him to mark everything with the international symbol for gender. And, um... [holds up two blurred-out drawings of male and female genitalia] I should have been more specific.\nOscar: Your office is full of genitalia.\nMichael: [clears throat] Oh. Eso es lo que dice, el!\nOscar: That's what he says?'\nMichael: Damn it. [knock on door] Ah, Angelo.\nAngela: Angela. [Michael sticks post-it on Angela's forehead with female genitalia] Michael.\nMichael: Yo soy Cancun.\nAngela: [removes post-it, leaves] Uhh!\nJim: All right, so I'll finish up on bulk pricing, and then you go into delivery guarantee.\nPam: You know, maybe there's an opportunity for a joke there, like, um... like, [vaudeville delivery] 'I just delivered a baby. They didn't offer me a guarantee.'\nJim: Yeah, or maybe we don't even need that.\nMichael: Can you smell the power of the Halperts? Power couple.\nDwight: You know what? I should be getting this client, Michael. My numbers are better than either of theirs.\nMichael: I went with the people I thought would put the best face on the company.\nDwight: If you want people to put the best face on something, why would you get two people who probably never cut the face off of anything in their lives?\nJim: [whispers] That's a good point.\nPam: This is our first joint sales pitch. I think we're gonna work really well together.\nJim: Yeah I think we have complimentary strengths. We understand each other.\nPam: We have good give and take. [vaudeville delivery] I give, he takes.\nJim: [whispering] I don't even know who you are anymore.\nPam: [vaudeville delivery] Yee.\nDonna: Hi, uh, Donna Newton, here to see Michael Scott.\nJim: Oh, hey, Miss Newton. Hi, I'm Jim.\nDonna: Hi!\nJim: How are you?\nMichael: Did somebody order a hooker over here?\nDonna: [laughing] Oh, stop that.\nMichael: Hi. How are you?\nMichael: There's this woman I met a few weeks ago. Her name is Donna, the manager of Sid & Dexter's and, right now, we're in the midst of a passionate love affair. Um, no. But she is coming by today. Maybe to buy some printers, so...\nMichael: Right here, we have the wonder twins, Jim and Pam Halpert. They will be assisting you today.\nDonna: You look exactly alike.\nPam: Oh, no we're actually married. We're not brother and sister.\nDonna: I have a sense about these things.\nJim: All right.\nDonna: You have some ancestors in common... somewhere back.\nAngela: I knew it. You should see their baby.\nJim: [explaining PowerPoint to Donna] So, yes, laser printers are more expensive. But they cost less to operate [knocking] So it's a tradeoff.\nMichael: [barges in] Hi.\nJim: Hold on one second.\nMichael: Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt. Do you, Donna, by any chance shop at Victoria's Secret?\nJim: What?\nMichael: Because I keep getting these magazines sent to me via the address of the woman who used to live in my condo before me.\nJim: None of this is time sensitive.\nMichael: Uh, yes, uh, the sale is on now through May.\nDonna: Oh, yeah, thank you.\nMichael: Okay, I have more of them.\nGabe: You would have weekly conference calls with executives in corporate. A two-week training program at the Yale school of management, obviously you would be high on the list for advancement opportunities.\nDarryl: Sounds all right.\nDwight: What is this?\nGabe: Oh, this is 'Print in All Colors,' Sabre's minority executive training program.\nDwight: It doesn't just sound a'ight, it sounds amazing.\nDarryl: I didn't say 'a'ight.'\nDwight: How do I apply?\nGabe: You have to be a minority.\nDwight: Uh, glasses wearers. Cholera survivors. Geniuses. Non-organic family farmers. The list goes on and on. You want me to keep going?\nGabe: Those don't really count. We're thinking more ethnic and racial minorities.\nDwight: Come here. Come here.\nGabe: Hmm?\nDwight: Ten seconds ago, this guy was driving a forklift. Okay? Now all off a sudden he's Cinderella of the office. What are you guys thinking?\nGabe: Well...\nDarryl: I like the sound of this. [looks at Dwight] Maybe one day I'll be sitting in Michael's chair. Wouldn't that be something?\nDwight: One minority from this branch is going to get into this program. Who would I refer? Hmm... the competent, hardworking one who does things his own way, or the malleable simpleton who can be bought for a few fashion magazines?\nKelly: [on phone] This is the second time that you've sent me the wrong size. I mean, I know what a four feels like. I've been a four my whole life. You know what? You can go to Hell. All right? Thanks for nothing.\nDwight: Oh, man. White people, right?\nKelly: I don't know if she was white.\nDwight: Well, you can kinda tell from the voice.\nKelly: Yeah.\nDwight: I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot, just because of your race.\nKelly: Well, they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.\nDwight: I think you should consider applying for the executive minority training program.\nKelly: Never thought of myself as an executive before.\nDwight: I know, 'cause you have no role models. How many Indian CEO's can you think of?\nKelly: I can't think of any CEO's, any race.\nDwight: You could be the Indian Bill Gates. You could be the Indian Ted Turner.\nKelly: I could be the Indian Julia Roberts.\nDwight: That's not... she's... okay. Yes.\nMichael: I took the liberty to scan a few things earlier, and I want to show you... there we go! [Michael's picture pops up on the PowerPoint screen] Whoa, look at those vivid colors. Look at my eyes. Those are Shrek-green eyes. That is me again. I think this displays the crisp, dazzling white.\nDonna: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: And that would be a display [image from a catalog of a man wearing only white boxers pops up] of the crisp, gorgeous black.\nDonna: Yeah.\nMichael: It's subtle. That's how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. \tAnd then she looks at me, then back at me, then back at the image. Soon, she doesn't know what is me, what is the image. She just knows that she's turned on.\nMichael: This is a place that I like to go to be alone with my thoughts. I've never taken anybody there before.\nDonna: Who took the photo?\nMichael: Ryan.\nDonna: Oh. [Michael quickly advances PowerPoint show to last slide which is 'SEX' in bold white letters on a black background and then exits the show quickly]\nMichael: And that's it. That's me. That's who I am.\nDonna: [giggles] Not bad.\nMichael: Oh, thanks. [softly] You're not bad, either.\nDonna: Thank you. [Michael tries t kiss Donna, Donna clears throat] Hmm.\nMichael: Hmm.\nDonna: Oh my God. [realizing Jim and Pam are looking through the conference room windows]\nMichael: Jim! Could you come in here for a sec? What was that printer we were looking at?\nMichael: [in his office] You didn't see it, Pam. She was giving me all sorts of signals that she wanted me to make a move. Shortbread?\nJim: No.\nPam: I'll have one.\nJim: Well, maybe you shouldn't try to kiss people at work.\nMichael: Oh really, Jim? What about Pam? And you did a heck of a lot more than kiss. Maybe this could be my Pam.\nJim: Okay. Well, all that is irrelevant.\nPam: Maybe Michael has a point. I mean, if she was really that upset, she wouldn't still be here.\nDonna: Was it professional? No. But I work in the nightlife industry. I get hit on all the time. In my 20's it would have been annoying. In my late 20's, I find it really flattering.\nMichael: Look, I know that I screwed up in there. I know that I probably messed up your sale. I just want to go in and fix it.\nPam: What if I back out and you finish the pitch with Jim?\nJim: What?\nJim: What was that?\nPam: Just let him flirt with her. People meet each other all sorts of ways.\nJim: Pam, you know he's not gonna get anywhere, and he's gonna blow our sale.\nPam: Who cares? [Michael peeking at them through his office window] It's not that huge a sale.\nJim: Hey, the Schwab guy told us to treat every sale like it was a huge sale.\nPam: Don't act like you understood anything that guy said. [pat's Jim's arm] Good luck, wingman. [salutes]\nDwight: How as being a minority affected you?\nKelly: Well, there's a lot of pressure from my parents to settle down and marry an Indian guy.\nDwight: Oh, good, and you resent this because...\nKelly: Indian guys always wear their cell phones outside their pants. It's so dorky.\nDwight: Oh, no, no. That's not dorky. [Dwight wears his phone like that] Look, it's easily accessible. Boom, like this. 911, hello. Scranton Strangler's in the house. Inside the house.\nKelly: Just put it in your pocket.\nMichael and Donna: [indistinct chatter inside conference room]\nKevin: [looking it] Look at that. She's totally flirting with him.\nPhyllis: You don't know that. Some people can't help oozing sexuality.\nCreed: You ever notice you can ooze two things: sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.\nPhyllis: She just crossed her arms together... that's bad.\nPam: Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together to make them look bigger.\nKevin: [tries it by crossing his arms] Like that? [to Andy]\nDonna: Is this... is this the best you can do right there?\nJim: Uh, for that printer, yes. Unfortunately we don't have a lot of flexibility.\nDonna: Oh. Well, I guess I'm just used to the restaurant business, [removes sweater revealing her revealing top] where, if you're in charge, then you can always get discounts for the people that you like.\nJim: Yeah. [chuckles]\nMichael: So maybe we could find a little wiggle room, right?\nJim: What's that?\nMichael: Maybe wee find some wiggle room?\nJim: I don't... I don't think so.\nMichael: I think we could. [Donna giggles]\nOscar: I don't see how we could possibly sell these for that little without losing money. Delivery alone will cost...\nMichael: Okay, well sometimes... sometimes it makes financial sense to lose money, right? Like for tax purposes.\nOscar: Actually, ran the numbers on this, and in this case, it makes more financial sense to gain money.\nMichael: Why don't you run them again?\nJim: What if she's just flirting with you to get a better price?\nMichael: If she is, it's working.\nKevin: Yeah, Michael, here's a trick. Ask her if she wants a mint. If she says 'no,' then she is not interested.\nJim: She does not like him.\nPam: You can flirt with someone to get what you want and also be attracted to them. How do you think we got together?\nJim: cause I stopped by your desk like 15 times a day.\nPam: I was after your money.\nJim: Well, the joke was on you.\nPam: Yes, it was.\nKelly: [typing] Can you stop micromanaging? I know how to do this.\nRyan: Okay...\nDwight: Hey... what are you guys doing?\nKelly: This girl was really rude to me at the mall. So I created a fake I.M. account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.\nRyan: Tell her everyone in home room thinks she's fat.\nKelly: Oh, that is so good.\nDwight: You know, we really should keep practicing for this interview.\nKelly: Oh, that's okay. Ryan coached me.\nDwight: Ryan? What does he know?\nRyan: It's easy... you just turn every question around on them. Do you think you're treated differently because of your race?\nKelly: Would you ask that same question if I was white? We're so in.\nDwight: We?'\nKelly: When I become executive, I'm gonna make Ryan manager.\nRyan: And then the two of us are cleanin' house.\nDwight: Kelly will be even worse than Darryl. If you'd have told me this morning that today I'd be creating a monster capable f my own destruction, I 'd have thought you were referring to the bull Mose and I are trying to reanimate.\nMichael: So corporate approval of this contract is contingent upon buyer and seller...\nDonna: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: Operating blahdy blahdy blah. Boilerplate. Pound of fish. [Donna laughing] Just kidding. Do you like mints?\nDonna: Yes.\nMichael: I carry mints with me sometimes. You ever tried those?\nDonna: Oh, I haven't tried those. No.\nMichael: They're good [Donna grabs mint]\nDonna: You want one?\nMichael: Sure.\nDonna: It's like cool... 'certified cool.' I like how they say 'certified.' Like there's some consortium of... [Michael grabs the mint from Donna's hand with his mouth, Donna pulls her hand away] Michael!\nMichael: I can't stop myself from kissing her.\nKevin: Yeah, now you know how I feel sitting next to those M&M's all day.\nAndy: Well, why don't you just move the M&M's?\nKevin: Well, why don't you shut up!\nMichael: Okay, guys, guys, guys. Just tell me it's not totally insane to try one more time.\nJim: It is totally insane.\nOscar: Michael, he's right. You are turning into a stalker.\nMichael: Okay. What do you think?\nKevin: I think it's over, man.\nMichael: Andy?\nAndy: Ehh.\nMichael: Okay, some for, some against.\nJim: Nobody's for.\nMichael: Pam?\nPam: Hmm?\nMihael: What do you think?\nPam: Um... I think it's really, really unlikely.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Really unlikely. But I can't say that it's impossible.\nJim: What?\nPam: I'm not saying she's in love with him. But she could have left a while ago. Most printer sales are done over the phone, Ms. Boob shirt.\nMichael: I'm going with Pam's group.\nJim: Wait.\nMichael: Here we go.\nJim: Michael. Michael.\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: Michael.\nMichael: No, guys, guys, guys. Guys, just... thank you for talking. Wish me luck.\nJim: No.\nMichael: What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he had just stopped, given up, after two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment. I still would have seen it, but that's not... the point.\nDwight: Kelly is disqualified!\nGabe: What?\nDwight: You said the program is not open to Caucasians. Well... anthropologically, she is Indian. Indians migrated from the caucuses region of Europe. Therefore, technically, she is Caucasian. You're welcome, America.\nGabe: Yeah, but she's not white, though.\nDwight: Well, obviously, she is brownish. But come on, I mean, Darryl is far more ethnic.\nGabe: Darryl withdrew his application. He said the Yale program interfered with his softball league, you know? He's gone.\nDarryl: I got my whole life to be a minority executive. I only have about a year left in these knees, though.\nDwight: Kelly is the only applicant.\nGabe: Yeah, unless somebody else applies today.\nKelly: Namaste.\nDwight: Oh, dear God. Okay. Don't make any decisions just yet. Okay? I'll be right back.\nKelly: Hello.\nGabe: That's very nice. [referring to Kelly's bindi] I never noticed that before.\nKelly: Sometimes my bangs cover it.\nGabe: Yeah. I don't want to be offensive but, uh... may I ask you what that means?\nKelly: I do find that offensive, actually.\nMichael: We should have your contract done by Thursday.\nDonna: Oh, great. Great, I will look out for that stuff, then.\nMichael: Okay.\nDonna: And, um... you know I just wanted to say it was really... really nice to do business with you.\nMichael: Yeah it was nice to do business with you, too.\nDonna: Thank you. Did I... get everything?\nMichael: I don't know. I think so.\nDonna: Yeah, I think so.\nMichael: [whispers] Okay. So... Oh, Donna?\nDonna: Yeah? Do you need validation? We don't... we don't validate.\nDonna: No, it's just in the lot, so...\nMichael: Thank you so much.\nDonna: You're welcome. [they hug] You're... welcome.\nMichael: Mmm. [Donna giggles]\nDonna: Bye.\nMichael: [follows her out of office] Ahem. So, um... okay, if you have... if there's any other questions that you have...\nDonna: I don't have, uh, any other questions. [blind clanking as she leans against door to prevent from Michael kissing her] I'm just gonna... make my way down to...\nMichael: All right. All right. Bye.\nDonna: Bye-bye!\nMichael: And have a good elevator ride.\nDonna: Okay.\nMichael: Oh, what's that out there?\nKevin: Michael, how did it go? [Michael goes in his office and closes door]\nDwight: How would one of you feel if I told you I could put you on a fast track to an executive position at this company?\nErin: Holy cow. I'd be so happy.\nDwight: I wasn't talking to you, pale-face.\nErin: I know. I meant I'd be happy for them.\nDwight: What I'm offering is a ticket on a bullet train straight to middle management.\nStanley: Dwight, I know these programs. 'Every color is important because, together, we make a rainbow.'\nDwight: Yes.\nStanley: I'll slap you in the face with a rainbow.\nErin: Mm!\nDwight: Speaking of rainbows, Oscar... you are kind of a double minority. Gay. So we at Sabre could really benefit from your perspective.\nOscar: Dwight, we know Kelly applied. We're not gonna cross her. No matter how good the program is.\nDwight: I can protect you from Kelly. [Erin stifles laugh] Will you get out of here? Seriously. [Erin turns and leaves kitchen]\nKelly: For hobbies, um, yoga, belly dancing, snake charming. Beds of nails. I like lying on them.\nDwight: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is Hide Toshi Hasagawa. He would like to apply for the Sabre minority executive training program 'print in all colors' initiative.\nKelly: Dwight: What are you doing?\nDwight: Helping heal America in a dramatic fashion in the 11th hour.\nKelly: God, I hate you so much! [gets up, leaves]\nDwight: Caucasians, am I right? [to Hide] Have a seat. I'll translate.\nHide: Why? I don't need translator.\nDwight: You don't know what you need. Just...\nGabe: Well, uh... why don't you just tell me a little about yourself, Hide.\nHide: In Japan, heart surgeon, number one. Steady hand.\nPam: Hey, Michael. [Michael is sitting on couch outside his office] How you doing?\nMichael: I don't know. I don't know. Can't really trust my feelings anymore.\nPam: You know what, Michael? For what it's worth... I was wrong, too. I thought she was interested in you.\nMichael: She suckered you too.\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nMichael: Was it the cleavage?\nPam: Yeah, and the shoulder cutouts.\nMichael: Yep.\nPhyllis: Michael, you know, it's easy to get fooled. Bob's warehouse guys flirt with me all the time. It... it's mostly harmless. Usually I don't let it go too far.\nAndy: You know, when I tore my scrote, I was, uh... I was seeing this really hot urologist about it, and thought she was into me. But now I think she was just doing a bunch of stuff to bill my HMO. You know, she's touching around down there. It's easy to get confused.\nErin: Michael, I think Donna left this here. Should I put it in the lost and found for 14 days and then I can take it home?\nMichael: God. She left this here?\nErin: Yeah.\nMichael: Okay. Maybe she wants me to return this to her at her work.\nJim: What?\nAll: No.\nMichael: Yeah. This could be a signal. People don't just take barrettes off.\nOscar: It's not a signal. It's just a coincidence. No, it's not even a coincidence. It's just something that happened.\nPam: Michael...\nMichael: [hold up barrette] Well...\nPam: She doesn't want you to return the barrette. She's not interested in you.\nMichael: Yeah, I know. I know.\nPam: I'm sorry.\nMichael: I know. You're right. Thank you. Thanks everybody. [waves, returns to his office, clears throat, turns around and runs out of office]\nPam: Michael! [sighs]\nMichael: [runs down to parking lot, sighs]\nDonna: [still in parking lot sitting in her car] Michael!\nMichael: Oh. You're still here. I have your baguette.\nGabe: Everyone, it is my pleasure to announce our newest member of the Sabre minority executive training program. Kelly Rajnigandha Kapoor. [clapping] All right.\nGabe: They're going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program. She'll be the first. The program's mostly black. It's almost too black. That didn't sound right.\nKelly: [puts a bindi on Erin's forehead] And the best part is is that I get a business stipend to buy all new clothes. So you can totally buy any of my old clothes that I'm not gonna need anymore.\nErin: Oh, my God, thank you so much. I love that denim jumpsuit you have. How much?\nKelly: Oh. Actually I was thinking about clothes that I was just gonna give to Goodwill anyway.\nErin: Great.\nDwight: Hey, kiddo. Congratulations are in order. You deserve it. [Dwight extends his hand, but Kelly hugs him]\nKelly: Thank you, Dwight.\nDwight: Oh.\nKelly: I'll never forget everything that you've done for me.\nDwight: Gosh. He he.\nKelly: Because I never forget anything.\nDwight: Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?\nMichael: You know what? Everybody told me that you weren't interested. Everybody. And I didn't believe 'em. And they were right. So... there's your barrette.\nDonna: No, y-you were... right.\nMichael: Who?\nDonna: You were right.\nMichael: About what?\nDonna: You were right. [Michael leans into Donna's car to kiss her and they kiss passionately] I'm sorry.\nMichael: No, no. No.\nDonna: I'm sor...\nMichael: No... [they kiss again]\nMichael: [returns to office] What happened?\nErin: Kelly got into the minority training program.\nMichael: Really?! Oh, that's great. That's such good news. I did it! [all look at him] I kissed. We kissed.\nKevin: Ooh.\nPhyllis: Oh, Michael.\nMichael: No, I'm serious. It... this happened. I went down to the parking lot and I was... I returned her barrette [holds up barrette] We ki... We did. Okay. We did. We did.\nMichael: You know what? It doesn't matter. Because I know it happened. And that is all that counts. [shouts] I did do it!"}
{"text": "Dwight: Stop it!\nJim: Stop what?\nDwight: You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!\nJim: [chuckles] Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.\nJim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.\nPam: It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, 'I will when you lose the baby weight.'\nDwight: Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!\nMichael: Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?\nJim: It's a pen.\nDwight: Michael, come on.\nMichael: Get back to work, Dwight. Please.\nDwight: Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically]\nMichael: Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh... we're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!\nMichael: Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out.\nStanley: I have an idea for your weekend.\nMichael: Okay.\nStanley: Let me get back to my desk right now.\nMichael: Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas.\nPam: Stanley got to go.\nMichael: Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything. Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out.\nAndy: Walk around apple orchards.\nMichael: Oh!\nAndy: Super romantic.\nMichael: That's fun.\nDwight: Eel fishing.\nMichael: All right.\nDarryl: Curl up with your favorite DVD.\nMeredith: You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.\nMichael: We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang's.\nKelly: Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton.\nMichael: Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, 'I wanna go to Mount Pocono,' you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI.\nKelly: Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating?\nMichael: You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton. Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn't see.\nRyan: Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! It's in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana.\nMichael: You guys think Donna's cheating on me?\nPam: No, Michael, no.\nDwight: Are you nuts?\nPam: You had a nice meal with your girlfriend in a lovely place...\nMichael: ... and... we had sex, too.\nPam: That is right. Don't make any more of it.\nMichael: How?\nPam: How what?\nMichael: How do I not make any more of it?\nPam: You could start by concluding this meeting.\nMichael: All right. [all stand up to leave] And she won't say, 'I love you.'\nDwight: Oh, no.\nAndy: How many dates have you been on?\nMichael: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.\nAndy: Mm.\nOscar: That seems... quick. Even for lesbians.\nRyan: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?\nRyan: Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she...\nMichael: Yeah, she does all that.\nRyan: Sorry, dude.\nMichael: No, no...\nPam: Michael, do not let your imagination run amok.\nMichael: Run what?\nPam: Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control.\nMichael: Why didn't you just say that, Pam?\nPam: Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control.\nMichael: Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world.\nJim: You do?\nMichael: Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit.\nJim: But you didn't believe any of this was true five minutes ago.\nMichael: That's what makes it so wrong.\nMichael: Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me.\nDwight: Oh, God, that tickles. What did...\nMichael: [whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator.\nDwight: I think I've got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]\nMichael: This is you. How much do you charge?\nDwight: $100 a day, plus expenses.\nMichael: I'll give you $50. Money's no object.\nDwight: I'm just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find.\nMichael: Okay.\nDwight: And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table, leaves]\nAndy: Of course. Yeah, that's terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire.\nStanley: My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems.\nAndy: Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important.\nGabe: There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right?\nAndy: Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire.\nGabe: That's weird. I haven't heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves.\nAndy: What are we gonna do about this?\nGabe: I don't know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That's what I'll do today. All right. Yeah.\nAndy: Let me know what they say.\nDarryl: [puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good.\nAndy: What do you mean?\nDarryl: You didn't feel like he was hiding something?\nAndy: I don't know.\nDarryl: Like he was... covering something up? Maybe.\nDarryl: Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said 'Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient.' [smiles]\nDwight: [sitting on his Firebird's hood in front of a gym] Hi stranger.\nDonna: Oh, hi. You work for Michael.\nDwight: I work with Michael.\nDonna: Right.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute. [they shake hands]\nDonna: Donna, hi.\nDwight: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.\nJim: That's interesting. Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think?\nMichael: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives.\nPam: Oh!...\nJim: Oh, my God\nMichael: It's comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God.\nJim: You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just... stop beating yourself up.\nMichael: I know. Well, I hope you're right. We'll see what Dwight says.\nPam: Why do we have to see what Dwight says?\nMichael: Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update.\nJim: Michael, no...\nPam: No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that.\nMichael: It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.\nPam: Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael.\nMichael: God, this is so disgusting.\nPam: Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you.\nMichael: I know.\nPam: And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in.\nMichael: That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan.\nPam: Helene.\nMichael: Helene?\nPam: My mother.\nMichael: Oh.\nPam: My mother, Helene. [Jim shakes his head]\nMichael: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life.\nJim: You should stop this, [pulls away mayo and olives bowl] and you should call Dwight right now.\nMichael: [sighs] All right. [calls Dwight]\nDwight: [at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna's attention] Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead.\nDonna: Thank you.\nDwight: It's all yours. [strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head] Ah! [after first rep, Dwight is injured]\nDonna: You okay?\nDwight: Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?\nDonna: [chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about.\nDwight: Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here.\nDwight: [moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who's next to him] Oh. Oh. Oh. [groans loudly] One thing you need to know about me. I don't quit until something tears or pops. [chuckles] You look like you're getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?\nDonna: Nope. I'm good, thanks.\nDwight: Really? Hey, um... [Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his 'workout']\nOld lady: Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat?\nDwight: Get out of my way. Huh!\nDwight: Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right?\nDonna: I'm out of here.\nDwight: Donna. Donna, wait, please. I'm sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I'm here: to see... you... naked... while... I'm... naked.\nDonna: You stay away from me, or I'm calling security.\nDwight: Donna, come... Ah! Grr! Ugh! [Dwight is very sore from his 'workout' and cannot chase Donna]\nMichael: You're back. What happened?\nDwight: Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking.\nMichael: No, what happened with Donna?\nDwight: Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin]\nMichael: Ugh!\nDwight: Put your fingers here.\nMichael: No. No! Are you sure?\nDwight: I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there.\nMichael: Who eats eight protein bars?\nDwight: People who don't trust egg whites.\nMichael: Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over.\nDwight: Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious.\nMichael: What? No, she didn't say that.\nDwight: You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] 'What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him.' And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael's office.\nMichael: I am not paying for that membership.\nMichael: [sitting on the floor behind Erin's desk, sighs] Ohhh... mmm...\nErin: Maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own office.\nMichael: No, I like the attention. Is she here yet?\nErin: Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes.\nMichael: That's her?\nErin: Yeah.\nMichael: Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I'll talk to you later.\nDonna: How could you think I would cheat on you?\nMichael: I didn't. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind.\nDonna: That's pathetic.\nMichael: Ye... pfff. Well, no. It's a lie. That's not what happened. I just like you. I can't believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want.\nDonna: When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake]\nMichael: If you wanna dump me, I totally get it.\nDonna: I told you I like you.\nMichael: Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs]\nDonna: Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would...\nMichael: ...poop my pants.\nDonna: Have you ever been to Vero Beach?\nMichael: Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water?\nDonna: We're going.\nMichael: We are?\nDonna: Yeah.\nAndy: What's up? I got your e-mail.\nDarryl: Close the door.\nAndy: Okay.\nDarryl: I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. [scatting] Andy don't mess with me. [continues scatting] I'll figure something out.\nDarryl: Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things.\nAndy: Such as?\nDarryl: It was kind of mumbled, I don't know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was 'Andy,' 'Problem,' 'Eliminate,' something. I don't know what it meant.\nAndy: What? You don't know what it meant? How about 'Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?'\nDarryl: Whoa. I hadn't even thought of that.\nAndy: [chuckles nervously] Yeah. Hah. Hoo.\nKelly: Oh, hey, I love your earrings.\nDonna: Thank you.\nKelly: Did Michael get them for you?\nDonna: No, I bought them myself.\nKelly: Where?\nDonna: Steamtown Mall.\nKelly: Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where?\nDonna: You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there.\nKelly: Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place?\nDonna: Uh, Franklin Mills.\nJim: [to Pam] What?\nPam: Hmm? Oh. It's probably nothing.\nPam: Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael.\nJim: Wait, so are you... you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right?\nPam: No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love.\nCreed: Psst... [Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down]\nAndy: Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this.\nCreed: So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less.\nPam: So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. [pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling] This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. [pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man] This photo was taken this morning. [shows a baby picture] It's Cece. [laughs] She's never gonna do anything wrong.\nDonna: Isn't that something?\nMichael: Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That's exciting.\nPam: Hey, Michael.\nMichael: Hey.\nPam: I'm sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related.\nMichael: Well it can wait. It can wait.\nPam: I lied it's personal. It's about me and Jim. We're... I just... you're the only person I can talk to.\nMichael: Jim is her husband.\nDonna: Oh.\nPam: And...\nMichael: And they are having problems, so sh...\nPam: No, not... we're not... we're not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love...\nMichael: Good in bed.\nPam: Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim.\nMichael: Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?\nPam: [loudly] I need you to sign this! So bad!\nMichael: Okay, weirdo.\nPam: I love [leans over Michael's desk to look at his computer screen]... this idea is neat. I've never been. It sounds lovely. [meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out]\nDonna: Yeah I think it'll be a nice trip. We're gonna get a lot done.\nPam: [to Michael] You're gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh, wow. Look at... golfing. [to Donna] Are you a golfer?\nDonna: I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. [Pam and Donna both laugh] Hey, you okay? [to Michael, walking away disappointedly]\nMichael: Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam?\nPam: Absolutely. [both leave Michael's office]\nDarryl: Look, I'm not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself.\nGlen: I know, it's just, I'm scared...\nAndy: Your text said 911.\nDarryl: Glen, could you excuse us? [Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily]\nDarryl: It's bad.\nAndy: What's bad?\nDarryl: It's real bad.\nDarryl: Still no plan.\nAndy: Oh, God.\nDarryl: It's getting bigger.\nAndy: I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire.\nDarryl: I can videotape it.\nAndy: Yeah.\nDarryl: [to camera] There it is.\nAndy: There what is?\nDarryl: What?\nMichael: Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?\nPam: I don't know who he is.\nMichael: God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?\nPam: What?\nMichael: I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm not. I feel... I... no, I'm not going to kill him.\nPam: You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her.\nMichael: I have to hear it from her.\nPam: You have to settle down first.\nMichael: I need to have her tell me herself. Right?\nPam: Okay. Okay. Yes.\nMichael: I need to have her say...\nPam: Yeah, but you have to calm...\nMichael: I need to say, 'What the hell is that? What the hell is that?'\nPam: Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture.\nMichael: No, God! No, no, oh, my God!\nPam: [in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael\nMichael: [calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay.\nGabe: [to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We've investigated. Every time it's been user error. They block the vents or something, I don't know. That's why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I'd like to reward you for that. [pulls out gift card] That's god for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts. [Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him]\nMichael: You know what? We should really do something fun this week.\nDonna: Yeah, we should.\nMichael: Wouldn't that be fun?\nDonna: Yeah.\nMichael: How about Thursday?\nDonna: Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do?\nMichael: I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?\nDonna: Oh, Friday doesn't work.\nMichael: Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert.\nDonna: Shoot. I'm working.\nMichael: Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by.\nDonna: Well, won't you be at the concert?\nMichael: Nope, that's Tuesday.\nDonna: Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday.\nMichael: You're cheating. You're cheating on me.\nDonna: How do you know?\nMichael: Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor]\nPam: [gasps] Did she see me?\nJim: [to Pam on floor] Nice effort.\nAndy: [in old Michael Scott Paper Company's 'office'] We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration]\nDarryl: You haven't even introduced yourself.\nAndy: Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much.\nDarryl: You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird.\nAndy: Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention...\nDarryl: Higher. [motions with hand to go up more]\nAndy: Make it higher? Okay.\nDarryl: Mm-hmm\nAndy: [high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation...\nDarryl: One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher]\nAndy: [higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... [printer starts smoking and explodes] ah! [speaking lower] It's working. [in normal voice] It's... I knew it!\nDarryl: This... [removes camera headset]\nAndy: We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! [Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing.\nDarryl: I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore.\nMichael: Who is he?\nDonna: What, what do you mean?\nMichael: The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it?\nDonna: It's you. I'm married.\nMichael: I'm the mistress?\nDwight: [on workout bicycle at gym] Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill.\nGym Instructor: Excuse me. Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this.\nDwight: You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast!\nGym instructor: Don't listen to him, we're approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill.\nDwight: No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side.\nGym instructor: No, guys, no. We're just cooling down...\nDwight: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! [points to those around him] You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate."}
{"text": "Toby: This here is a radon test kit. [holding out tiny cylinder disc] Okay I will be putting 'em everywhere. And... please don't throw these out. [starts snapping towards Michael's face] This is a radon test kit. [continues snapping] Please don't throw these out. [Michael gives annoyed look] See them all over the office.\nMichael: Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. [finds radon kit in between his blinds in his office] But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. [throws it away] The second time... I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. [finds another radon kit on top of his cabinet] Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time... I did it out of spite. [takes radon kit from the top of the blinds of his office window and slams it into the trash can]\nMichael: Pfffffttt.\nToby: Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.\nMichael: You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?\nToby: Please sit down.\nMichael: You know what? We're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom.\nEveryone: YEAH! [laughter]\nMichael: Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.\nEveryone: No. No!\nJim: That's... not okay.\nMichael: Okay, alright.\nDwight: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.\nMichael: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.\nDwight: No, hmmm... that's still...\nEveryone: Mm-mm.\nMichael: Okay geniuses, how would you do it?\nCreed: Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted.\nOscar: All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden...\nRyan: Is there a curtain rod in the room?\nMichael: I don't know.\nStanley: How about make-believe land has anything you want?\nJim: Stanley, please, this is serious!\nAngela: Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?\nMichael: Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.\nDwight: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. [stands up and points to Phyllis] Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.\nToby: I don't wanna do this.\nMichael: [shouting] Toby, just do it! God!\nDwight: Toby, come on. [Andy lines up to the right of Toby and Phyllis is on his left]\nDwight: Ready, one bullet. And boom! [makes shooting noises and mimics a bullet with his fingers tapping Phyllis' throat, then Toby's, and finally Andy's]\nEveryone: Yeah, that works. That works!\nMichael: Good work. [clapping]\nPam: What flavors did you get? [yawns]\nErin: It's so exciting Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.\nPam: [reading flavors] Despera-dough. Witchy-womanilla. Why do they do this?\nErin: Do you want me to go back to the store?\nPam: No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. We gotta get these out, open 'em up.\nErin: This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married.\nPam: Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this.\nErin: After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me.\nPam: [yawns] Yeah, or no... well... I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I'd be running this.\nErin: That's okay. You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though.\nErin: We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him.\nPam: And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up.\nErin: He's coming.\nPam: Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow, if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect okay? Farting noise, whatever. Okay.\nToby: [walks in] Hey everyone.\nPam: No, out! Get out now! Leave now.\nDwight: Leave, get outta here.\nPam: Leave!\nDwight: Right now!\nPam: Oh, and if he makes a joke, just laugh it up, no matter what. Okay?\nMichael: [walks in] Morning everyone.\nEveryone: Hey! [applauses] Hey, hey!\nErin: Hi Michael. [gives him a hug]\nMichael: Hello!\nDwight: Michael, nice tie or something.\nMichael: Oh, thank you. It's reversible, I think. [everyone laughs]\nKevin: That's hilarious.\nPam: That's awesome. You want some ice cream?\nMichael: Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? Cake it to the Limit. That's my favorite! I love that! Too much for me to have by myself. Anybody wanna share?\nKevin: Boi-oi-oi-ing\nMichael: Okay. Well... that's random. I will dig into those later.\nLawyer: I don't follow this exactly. Uh, 'The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have...'\nDwight and Angela: Joint custody\nLawyer: Are we talking about your grandchildren?\nAngela: No.\nDwight: No.\nAngela: Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our childrearing contract.\nDwight: Alleged contract.\nAngela: Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.\nDwight: Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! [pretends to karate chop her neck] See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.\nDwight: So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point 'B', uh... the beet juice cleanse?\nAngela: I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting.\nDwight: How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample.\nAngela: Dwight, look at my teeth. [shows teeth, beet red]\nDwight: Eughh. [looks disgusted]\nAndy: No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.\nPam: Could he still be seeing her?\nPhyllis: I don't think he'd do that.\nJim: So we're gonna say the most likely scenerio is that Michael matured overnight?\nAndy: Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big.\nJim: Exactly. It happened in Big.\nMichael: No, I gotta go. Text me later.\nJim: I'm really too tired to do this.\nPam: Me too!\nJim: Then let's just not do this. Do you have any idea the risks involved?\nPam: Hey Michael.\nMichael: Hey.\nPam: We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight, in our home, and play with our baby.\nJim: We can order in from Hooters.\nMichael: Oh, Hooters to go. Nice.\nPam: We can watch a movie and play Rock Band.\nJim: Billy Joel Rock Band.\nMichael: That... exists?\nPam: Yes.\nMichael: Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer.\nPam: [shouts] Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?\nMichael: Okay, Pam... she's not invisible so stop asking silly questions.\nPhyllis: Oh Michael.\nMichael: Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?\nMichael: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband... or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.\nMeredith: That is something I would never do.\nMichael: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.\nMeredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.\nMeredith: I ask... everyone in the room, 'Are you in a relationship?'.\nMichael: People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.\nKelly: Eughh, Ryan, I do not want you hanging around Michael anymore.\nRyan: Okay.\nMichael: I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer.\nAndy: How does he feel about it?\nMichael: He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. [points to Andy] It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.\nJim: Now you're just being hurtful.\nMichael: I'm sorry, it... why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat...\nPhyllis: Hey!\nMichael: On her diet! He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit.\nAndy: Did Donna tell you that?\nMichael: Real sports with Bryant Gumble.\nAndy: So you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy.\nMichael: You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson.\nAndy: My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage.\nAndy: So... here's the thing about infidelity.\nMichael: Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy.\nAndy: How does that work?\nMichael: Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.\nAndy: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyonce.\nMichael: I am Beyonce always.\nAndy: Not this time.\nMichael: Yes, I am.\nAndy: This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is.\nMichael: I would love that.\nAndy: Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out.\nMichael: I have work to do.\nAndy: Oh, really? I thought you were the boss.\nMichael: Let's go. [starts walking towards the elevator] I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.\nAndy: [humming Call to Post] Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum\nMichael: All right, Andy, please.\nAndy: Baseball!\nMichael: Shh! Try not to draw attention, please. That's him. That's him.\nAndy: Where?\nMichael: Right there. The coach!\nAndy: Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!\nMichael: Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base?\nAndy: [announcer's voice] And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain.\nMichael: All right. Can you just- can you just act normal for a second, please?\nAndy: Whatever. I'm the one blending in.\nGabe: [ahem][Pam snores] Guys?\nJim: Pam.\nPam: Mm. Hey. Oh, hi, Gabe.\nGabe: Can you two please join me in my office? Now.\nPam: You were supposed to be the Lookout.\nJim: Yeah, well it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag.\nGabe: I don't wanna be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad.\nJim: Sorry about that.\nPam: So embarrassing.\nGabe: Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know, the power dynamics.\nJim: Well, you were surprisingly restrained.\nPam: We will be well-rested tomorrow.\nGabe: Okay. That's great, actually, because I wanted to talk to you about something else.\nJim: Excellent. Go for it.\nGabe: I'm sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on. [Jim and Pam struggling to stay awake] Anyway, the question is, what is the best way to disseminate important information in an efficient way?\nJim: Right? So, uh, let's uh...\nLawyer: Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button.\nAngela: Same page. Go to the next one.\nDwight: Same page. Just keep moving.\nLawyer: Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix-\nDwight: Which we can't know.\nLawyer: This is essentially...\nDwight: Unless we're unplugged.\nLawyer: Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.\nDwight: And wake up in the future.\nLawyer: Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.\nDwight: What?\nLawyer: Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else.\nAngela: What?\nLawyer: So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000.\nDwight: What?\nDwight: I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.\nAndy: Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play.\nMichael: You have no idea what you're talking about.\nAndy: I know it's like cricket.\nMichael: You don't. No, no.\nAndy: And it's-there's- well, home plate is like a wicket.\nMichael: You don't know. You don't- you don't know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn't even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it's like, 'Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes?' 'High-five, Donna.' 'Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers?' 'Hi-five. I'm taking all the credit.'\nAndy: Seems pretty well liked by the team.\nMichael: Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary.\nAndy: You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players.\nMichael: I know, I know, I know. It-I'm-it- that was a euphemism.\nDwight: $30,000? There's gotta be another way.\nAngela: He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.\nDwight: Look, I will not pay.\nAngela: Well, I have an alternative.[hands Dwight a document]\nDwight: Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?'\nLawyer: Look, I don't think that's actually legal.\nDwight: Agreed. [shakes hands with Angela]\nDwight: Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.\nDwight: But not in your bed. It's lumpy.\nAngela: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.\nDwight: Fine. Five times. [signs contract]\nLawyer: Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution.\nAngela: I want eye contact.\nDwight: No.\nAngela: Yes.\nDwight: Do you understand how rare is that in nature?\nAngela: I'm not some farm animal. [Dwight smirks at the camera]\nAndy: Great game, coach.\nMichael: Shh! Okay, all right. Don't, don't.\nAndy: You guys are awesome! Best game I've ever seen in my life.\nShane: Yeah, right. You must be rootin' for the other guys.\nAndy: Ha. The other guys can go die.\nMichael: [whispers] Okay.\nAndy: Baseball! Go talk to him.\nMichael: No. God. You go talk to him.\nShane: Let's go.\nAndy: Shane. Great game man!\nShane: Do I know you?\nAndy: No. Uh, just big fans. Both of us.\nShane: Are you somebody's... parents? Oh, are you guys... Kenny's dads?\nAndy: Ha. No. No. But we're gay for baseball. [chuckles]\nShane: Okay.\nAndy: But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot.\nShane: Okay. Let's go!\nAndy: Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage.\nShane: Whoa!\nAndy: I mean, isn't marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, getting all committed to each other. So you love baseball. What else do you love? Let's round you out as a person.\nShane: Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to... focus here on the game.\nAndy: I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife.\nShane: Of course. Okay? I gotta... get back to this.\nAndy: Of course.\nShane: All right.\nAndy: But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon!\nMichael: No, no, no.\nAndy: Come on, get over here.\nMichael: I'm good. Oh, my God.\nAndy: Get- Get over here. Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach.\nMichael: Sorry. I got some stomach cramps.\nShane: It's all right. It's all right. Keep it going.\nMichael: Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo! Whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, 'I'm sleeping with your wife.' And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond.\nMichael: Okay, orange slices. There ya go.\nErin: Thanks, Michael.\nMichael: Don't thank me. Thank Dylan's mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo!\nOscar: Why would you throw something wet at me?\nMichael: You love it. There ya go.\nJim: Now, were those for the team?\nMichael: Uh, no, they didn't say team. They just said coal Hawks.\nJim: Ah.\nPam: I don't think those were yours to take.\nMichael: Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane.\nAndy: I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair, and I went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior.\nPam: Did you talk to him?\nMichael: I did.\nPam: You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with.\nKevin: Wow. That is crazy.\nPhyllis: Was there a fistfight?\nMichael: No. We just talked. He's very nice.\nPhyllis: And it didn't change your mind.\nMichael: It did not.\nPhyllis: Michael, that's awful.\nMichael: Isn't it?\nPhyllis: Yes.\nMichael: I'm awful, aren't I?\nKevin: Yeah. That's pretty bad.\nMichael: I'm an awful guy! Ooh!\nOscar: How can you live with yourself?\nMichael: I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now, I want a piece of cake. From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for.\nKevin: That is a dangerous game, friendo.\nKelly: Well, because I thought that it was a book about Anthropology the store.\nRyan: I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore.\nKelly: Cause it's next to they baby section, okay?\nRyan: All right, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning when you said, 'I read a book about anthropology.'\nKelly: I don't really know why you're screaming at me right now.\nRyan: I'm not scream- I'm not screaming.\nKelly: That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday.\nMichael: I don't care. I have an appetite for life! [eats cake] Mmm. Mmm! Oh, god. That's Lemon.\nRyan: Good for you, man. Good for you.\nRyan: He takes what he wants.\nRyan: You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you.\nErin: What about Kelly?\nRyan: You read my mind.\nErin: [quietly] Is this a joke?\nRyan: Yep.\nRyan: It's hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I-I don't know how you do it, Michael, I-I-I can't be that cold.\nMichael: You'll learn, baby. You'll learn.\nDwight: [pressing buttons to start microwave and moves towards his crotch] I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, [banging on his crotch with drum sticks] but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. [drops yellow pages against his crotch] [screaming] [chuckling] Let's see what she gets. [bouncing crotch on bike and crashes into glass door] [thud] Aah!\nCreed: [Michael leaving copy machine] Uh, boss, we're out of paper.\nMichael: Yeah, I noticed that.\nCreed: Are you gonna add any more?\nMichael: Nope.\nCreed: He don't give an 'F' about nothin'!\nMichael: I have got big balls.\nPam: I don't think I'm gonna make it.\nJim: [yawning] What about an energy drink or something?\nPam: [shakes head] It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later.\nJim: Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it.\nPam: Well, it does and it doesn't.\nDarryl: Probably shouldn't tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so... we have a place.\nJim: A place?\nDarryl: A restful location. Talk to Glen. He'll take you up in the lift.\nPam: You sleep in the warehouse?\nDarryl: Lightbulb's burnt out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist, okay?\nJim: Okay.\nDarryl: Pam.\nPam: Okay.\nPhyllis: For your signature. [drops document on Michael's desk]\nMichael: Okay. [Phyllis avoids looking at Michael] Phyllis. Okay. Look at me. [continues to look away] Phyllis, look at- [Phyllis turns to leave] okay, that's... [chases after her] All right, all right. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. If you think that's going to have any effect on me, it will not. I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna.\nKevin: Why not your condo?\nMichael: Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate.\nStanley: Oh, Michael, will you drop it? Everybody's spoken their mind, and no one's changing their mind.\nMichael: Okay, Morgan Freeman-narrating-everything.\nAndy: Do you want someone to stop you? 'Cause no one's going to.\nMichael: Nobody better try to stop me. Good. [leaves the office. door closes]\nDwight: I could have stopped him.\nDwight: Are you warmed up? [outside sliding door in warehouse]\nAngela: No.\nDwight: God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? [zipper sound]\nAngela: What did you do to yourself? [camera pans to Jim and Pam laying down in restful location]\nDwight: Never mind. Just never mind.\nAngela: Well, it better work.\nDwight: Oh, it'll work. [Jim and Pam look shocked and disturbed] Mm. Stop kissing me. It's not in the contract.\nMichael: [driving in car; returns to office; grabs ice cream out of freezer] How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. [beeping; cut to Donna who is waiting in the parking lot of the motel] Like a grownup.[Donna receives text from phone] That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. [Donna has disappointed look; cut back to Michael in his office opening ice cream] At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or... being happy. And I picked... the... former.\nReporter: Michael Scott?\nMichael: Yes?\nReporter: Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors?\nMichael: [sighs] Umm... I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologize to... the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again.\nReporter: I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire.\nMichael: Oh. Okay. I was talking about... what do- what? What's going on?"}
{"text": "Michael: [on Youtube video] There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. [phone rings, Michael picks it up] Michael Scott, as seen on TV.\nTodd Packer: [high-pitched voice] I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... [normal voice] It's Packer!\nMichael: OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl!\nMichael: Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in the paper today. And it's online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough.\nMichael: Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site.\nOscar: What's number one?\nMichael: Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times.\nJim: So instead of working, you want...\nMichael: Yes.\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it!\nAngela: Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? It's on the same site!\nPhyllis: Awww, it's kissing its mommy!\nMichael: Please.\nDwight: Michael, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever.\nMichael: Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand up. [looks toward computer] It's trying to stand up... [choking up] there it goes.\nJo: Howdy. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.\nMichael: Jo! We were not expecting you!\nJo: Course you all, no doubt, know why I'm here.\nKevin: No.\nJo: Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go.\nKevin: Jo, I think that I know what happened.\nJo: I'm not sure you do, teddy bear.\nKevin: Well, now I think I might not.\nJo: Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please.\nMichael: Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office.\nJo: Can you now?\nMichael: Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.\nPhyllis: [quietly, to Andy] Put your hand up, Norma Rae.\nAndy: If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.\nAndy: So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. [sings] Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today?\nJo: [as Gabe hands out forms to everyone] It's a little form, says 'I did not do it.'\nMichael: There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like...\nJo: All that's just birthday information, Michael.\nMichael: Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture.\nJo: Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what'cha say?\nMichael: Okay.\nJo: When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said, 'Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice!', innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said 'Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah', well nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.\nJo: So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him?\nMichael: We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda.\nJo: Uh, that's, uh, Guantanamo Bay.\nMichael: Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can.\nJo: Well, I guess we're all right, Michael.\nMichael: I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right.\nJo: Yeah.\nMichael: Okay.\nNick: Hey Dwight.\nDwight: Hey, IT guy.\nNick: Mind if I get in there for a second?\nDwight: Oh, sure thing, go ahead.\nNick: Just one... [Dwight pushes Nick's neck to the desk and pushes his arm up] Gah! Ah! Dwight, what the hell?\nDwight: Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell! What are you doing to my computer?\nOscar: The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot, Big Brother.\nDwight: You're with Big Brother? Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide.\nKevin: Wait, are they searching all our computers?\nNick: Yeah. [Kevin runs to his desk] I already got to yours, Kevin. [Kevin runs back]\nKevin: No, that's cool. Sometimes... sometimes I run. I'm a runner.\nAngela: Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!\nMichael: Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers.\nPhyllis: Look, he's been complaining about this for a while, it's not crazy.\nJo: Okay Dwight.\nDwight: Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here... [hands Jo a piece of paper] You should fire the following people.\nJo: Well, I'm inclined to believe you.\nDwight: Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?\nJo: Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year. Good boy... you turning that money into more money?\nDwight: Are you referring to alchemy?\nJo: I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money, but if you ain't investing in property, then you're dumber than a dummy.\nDwight: I'm not dumb. I'm smart.\nJo: Well, buy property. That's my advice.\nMichael: Is there something that you would like to say to me?\nAndy: Uh...\nMichael: About talking to the press?\nAndy: I, I didn't know. I didn't do that!\nMichael: Mmhmm.\nAndy: Okay? I, I... didn't do it.\nMichael: I don't believe you.\nAndy: I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.\nMichael: That's a little much. All right, all right, all right.\nAndy: I don't care, that's how much I swear!\nMichael: Okay, I believe you, I believe you.\nAndy: I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me.\nMichael: Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?\nDarryl: Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar.\nMichael: Oh, no, no, no...\nDarryl: I think she could... sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she... she's the copy editor at the Trib.\nMichael: Oh my god. Was she cute?\nDarryl: No.\nMichael: Oh, god, Darryl!\nMichael: I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is.\nJo: Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was.\nToby: Well, that's...\nJo: And we didn't find anything on your computer.\nToby: Good.\nJo: Except this. [hands stack of paper to Toby]\nToby: Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a mystery novel that I've been working on.\nJo: I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid?\nToby: Oh, uh, I don't know, uh...\nJo: The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.\nToby: Oh... yes.\nToby: Write your own damn novel.\nPam: It was me.\nJim: What was you? You were the leak?\nPam: Okay. I'm talking to this woman at daycare...\nJim: Uh-huh.\nPam: She's telling me about all her amazing trip to Vietnam, I have nothing. I tell her our printers catch on fire, spontaneously!\nJim: Why'd you do that?\nPam: Her husband's a reporter.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: So now everyone hates Andy, and it's this whole mess, and I don't know what to do.\nJim: Okay, just relax. Just need to relax.\nPam: I could tell Jo... or I could tell Michael.\nJim: This is a very good idea. This is good. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out.\nMichael: You leaked it?\nPam: I don't know what to do! Do I go tell Jo, or - I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person!\nMichael: I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh god... my mind is going a mile an hour.\nPam: That fast?\nMichael: Oh.\nMichael: Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said.\nPam: [Michael knocks on Pam's desk] Yeah? [Michael points at Pam, himself, and Meredith, mimes drinking, driving, then points to his watch and holds up five fingers] I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me.\nMichael: So see you in Meredith's van in five minutes.\nPam: Yeah, you didn't need to actually say it.\nPam: [in Meredith's van] I have never seen so many parking tickets.\nDarryl: All right, this is just messed up.\nMichael: No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think.\nDarryl: All right.\nMichael: What do we got?\nPam: Um...\nKelly: [opening door] Hey guys, sorry I'm late.\nPam: We're not going for yogurt.\nMichael: It's okay, she's cool, she also whistle-blew.\nKelly: Guys, I couldn't help it, it is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue.\nMichael: Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.\nKelly: Of course I'm the leak! I think I Tweeted it! I can't control what I say to people, I spend the whole day talking! I mean, I video chat, I Skype, I text, I Tweet, I phone, I Woof...\nRyan: Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. [types on his phone] I just sent myself a Woof. [fax machine makes noise, several windows pop up on computer behind Ryan with accompanying sounds, including barking]\nErin: [on phone] Ryan, you have a Woof on line 1.\nRyan: Thank you, Erin. Woof!\nMichael: Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case.\nPam: Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers?\nMichael: No. Okay, not all the computers, just our computers.\nKelly: That idea sucks.\nPam: I don't think that's a good idea.\nMichael: Just don't say no.\nDarryl: Michael, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat.\nKelly: Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl.\nMichael: That's just what we need, another black man in prison. You know, let's just...\nPam: Nobody's going to prison, okay? Um... all right, Michael, you need to convince Jo to go easy on us. And then we'll all confess once we know our jobs are safe.\nMichael: Okay. You can count on me.\nDwight: [sees Toby banging on the vending machine] Let me give you a hand.\nToby: I'm hungry.\nDwight: Ready? [they pull the vending machine towards them; Dwight's phone rings] Got it? Oh shoot. Got it? [walks away, opens phone] Dwight Schrute.\nRealtor: [on phone] The property you're looking at is in great shape. By the way, it has a very spacious basement office.\nDwight: Basement office? You mean like a lair?\nMichael: Hey Jo.\nJo: Michael.\nMichael: I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after they're back in the thick of it.\nJo: Michael Scott... what do you know?\nMichael: What?\nMichael: It doesn't matter what I know.\nJo: If it doesn't matter, then tell me.\nMichael: Why?\nJo: Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it.\nMichael: Well, deal with this. [crosses arms]\nJo: Empathize with me for a moment. I came up here with a big problem, and now I got a branch manager who's giving me the silent treatment... Speak to me... speak. [Jo's dog barks] Come with me.\nMichael: What?\nGabe: [as Michael and Jo leave] Are you leaving? Oh, am I... should I continue with the investigation?\nMichael: Are you going to kill me?\nJo: Hahahahahaha.\nRealtor: [on phone] I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms.\nDwight: Okay.\nRealtor: What time works for you? [Dwight looks across the street] Mr. Schrute, what time works?\nDwight: Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make 'em an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, low ball them. Don't call me 'til you have it.\nRealtor: But... [Dwight closes phone]\nMichael: [on Jo's jet] Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but... I have an early dinner that I need to get to... with the Chief of Police.\nCreed: I'm very relieved to learn it wasn't you.\nGabe: All right. Uh, Stan, you're up.\nStanley: It wasn't me.\nGabe: What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. And... you did it. [nods at Andy]\nAndy: What? Based on what?\nGabe: Uh, just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you. Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now, and sit with it, see how it feels?\nDwight: All right. Sounds good.\nJim: Guys, I think that seems a little unfair. I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy.\nAndy: Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been... Jim.\nJim: Really?\nJo: Michael.\nMichael: I have rights.\nJo: Let's just talk.\nMichael: I am not going to tell you anything.\nJo: Honey, you don't seem like your normal self.\nMichael: Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch.\nJo: Mama Jo knew there was something up.\nMichael: Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down.\nJo: Oh, I hate that.\nMichael: And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? ... I miss Holly.\nJo: Who's Holly?\nMichael: Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.\nKevin: Well, I think that the real question is: Who is the whistleblower?\nDwight: Oh, just...\nDavid Wallace: I may have heard from an old client, and I may have immediately started spreading the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah. But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about Suck It. Suck it.\nAndy: Gabe, I told you all about the printers.\nJim: I mean, it could be you, Gabe. I mean, that's the point.\nPam: Yes, it's totally obvious.\nCreed: I think we all can agree that it's either Gabe or Angela. [flips a coin] It's Angela. Get her, boys.\nNick: Hey guys, uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm going to go down to Detroit and teach, uh, inner city kids about computers.\nGabe: Uh, not now.\nNick: Oh yeah, it's just that my friends are in the car waiting, so I thought I would...\nStanley: [quietly] Phyllis, what's this guy's name again?\nPhyllis: I don't know, is it Shadow or Garth, it's something weird, I...\nNick: My name is Nick.\nAngela: Okay, well, Nick, we're in a meeting.\nNick: Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy, and everybody hates me.\nJim: Hey, listen man, you can't take it personally.\nNick: You called me man? I just said my name just now, did you forget it already?\nJim: No... sport.\nNick: You, you guys have fifteen parties a week, you can't learn my name?\nDwight: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey IT guy. Here's the story, champ. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, okay? We liked the last guy, Siddiq, because he kept to himself, and we also thought he might have been a terrorist. You know what, I'm going to leave you with one other thought. Inner city kids use computers for two things, games and porn. So good luck wasting your life, lurch.\nNick: Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives, and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! All right? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it, check it out. [gives the finger]\nAndy: You're going to believe that guy?\nJo: When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me.\nMichael: Hmm, hmm.\nJo: I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.\nMichael: You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you.\nJo: Oh honey, surely you don't want that.\nMichael: I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. [Jo laughs] You were playing too.\nDwight: I'm about to buy this building, you know.\nHank: You don't say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston.\nDwight: Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you... enjoy that chair for now... 'cause pretty soon, you will be on your feet, at Buckingham Palace.\nAndy: Hey Phyllis, have you seen my bag?\nPhyllis: [points to the ceiling] You deserve it.\nAndy: Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down, and children to die. Does that make me a hero? I...\nKevin: [offscreen] No, it does not!\nAndy: Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either.\nAngela: It does!\nErin: Andy?\nAndy: Hey.\nErin: I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press.\nAndy: Uh, thanks. Yeah, you know, just seemed like the right thing to do.\nErin: Yeah.\nMichael: [to press] We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions?\nJo: Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there.\nMichael: That was fun.\nJo: I hope your rough patch ends soon.\nMichael: Thanks. Today helped.\nJo: Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life.\nMichael: Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua.\nJo: Let me see what I can do."}
{"text": "Stanley: [to Toby, who's filming] You fallin' behind.\nRyan: [jumps in front of camera] Wuphf.com!\nKelly: Ryan, we're doing the dance!\nRyan: This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country.\nCreed: [Bluetooth rings] You got Creed.\nRyan: #NAME?\nKelly: You make it so hard to love you sometimes.\nStanley: Still behind.\nAngela: [closing door] I said I didn't want to be on the internet!\nAndy: Go, go, go, go!\nMichael: [performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing]\nAll: Streamers! [everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing]\nDwight: Hiya! Ha! [climbs on Phyllis' desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal]\nPhyllis: Dwight! [Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk]\nStanley: Are you crazy?\nAndy: [song ends] Toby, how did we do?\nToby: Well, that was better.\nAndy: Whoo! We did it! [everyone starts cheering]\nMichael: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did.\nAndy: Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.\nErin: Yes, of course.\nAndy: And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.\nErin: Who's the guy who invented the peanut?\nGabe: Hey, guys.\nAndy: Hey!\nGabe: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.\nAndy: Not at all.\nGabe: I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. [he and Erin kiss]\nGabe: I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite.\nErin: Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great.\nAndy: Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.\nPam: [goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it] Hey. What are you doing?\nDwight: From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack.\nKevin: Well, what if you're cold?\nDwight: Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I'm too busy.\nJim: Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.\nDwight: [drinking from Camelback] Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.\nKelly: This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, 'Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?' And I'd be like, 'blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah,' giving you the exact right answer.\nLuke: Coffee Monkey's arrived.\nOscar: The coffee's supposed to be here at 9.\nLuke: Here you go, Big O. Tiny. [hands Kevin his coffee] Darryl Hannah.\nDarryl: It says decaf. You get me decaf?\nLuke: Ooh, yeah. Must've been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back?\nDarryl: My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He's only been here for a week, and I hate him.\nAndy: New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.\nLuke: My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints.\nAndy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.\nMichael: He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Ah! It's not cappuccino.\nOscar: He messed yours up to.\nDarryl: He's got to go, Mike.\nMichael: It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?\nJim: Wow, that's a lot of keys.\nDwight: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.\nJim: That's right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back.\nDwight: Where?\nJim: I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. [pulls out stethoscope]\nDwight: Give me that.\nJim: Yep. Wait, and this. [hands Dwight a hammer]\nDwight: Yes.\nJim: Go get 'em.\nJim: What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.\nDwight: [Jim quietly takes Dwight's keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles] Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. [removes keys and throws them at Jim] Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim.\nPam: Sorry.\nJim: Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but...\nPam: It was really funny.\nJim: Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.\nPam: I love you.\nPhyllis: Luke? Luke!\nLuke: What's up, Venus?\nPhyllis: Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em.\nLuke: Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe.\nMeredith: Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.\nLuke: You don't have to yell.\nMichael: Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me.\nLuke: What for?\nMichael: To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great.\nMichael: And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.\nMichael: Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.\nMichael: Don't bother Luke.\nPam: Why is there a circle with a line through it?\nMichael: That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?\nPhyllis: Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke.\nMichael: No, it... Yes, okay, right. [erases don't] All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. [writes 'Don't' in front of symbol]\nDarryl: Don't don't bother Luke. Got it.\nMichael: Come on. Okay, um... [draws a circle around 'Don't' with a line through it] That's as clear as I can make it.\nPhyllis: Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it.\nMichael: Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.\nDwight: Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?\nGabe: That'd be hilarious. Uh, 'Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop 'em.'\nMichael: Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.\nDwight: How close?\nMichael: Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?\nDwight: Yes. Of course.\nToby: Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.\nMichael: No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes he is. He's my nephew.\nAll: What?\nMichael: Luke is my nephew.\nOscar: Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew.\nMichael: Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.\nDarryl: What's wrong with a level playing field?\nMichael: Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.\nJim: Oh, man, so many points being made.\nCreed: I couldn't care less about nepotism. But, I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat.\nMichael: God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.\nErin: That's a really tight argument.\nMichael: Thank you.\nJim: But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.\nMichael: No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?\nOscar: This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.\nMichael: Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!\nKelly: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.\nOscar: If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?\nMichael: Because I wanted you to come to me and say, 'Wow, he is so great.' And I was gonna say, 'Well, it's in the genes.' And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is.\nErin: Hey! Ice cream afternoon!\nMichael: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!\nKevin: Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?\nPam: Or enough for everyone?\nLuke: No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips.\nOscar: Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.\nAndy: Clutch cream run, bro.\nPam: Get whatever you want, on me.\nJim: You really think you can make it up to me with food?\nPam: I don't know. That usually works.\nPam: I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right.\nAngela: I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew's car.\nMichael: Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off!\nPhyllis: Well, take a look. It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.\nMichael: All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store.\nJim: Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, 'I don't own an Ebay store,' so...\nMichael: Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.\nOscar: Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.\nStanley: Let's just make this kid open this damn car.\nErin: Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.\nMichael: I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway.\nAndy: You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Tripple A.\nMichael: Wait a minute.\nMeredith: [breaks into the car] I'm in.\nMichael: Don't-all right. Well, ok, you've just committed a felony.\nOscar: Yep, here they are.\nPhyllis: Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time.\nAndy: This kid's costing us sales, Michael.\nErin: I'm sorry, do you want to try them on again to see.\nMichael: No, I know they fit. It's not about the fit.\nJo: Why is this my problem, Michael?\nMichael: Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.\nGabe: Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.\nJo: Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won't fire the boy.\nMichael: You don't have all the facts.\nJo: Which are?\nMichael: I love him.\nJo: Oh, God. How far has it gone?\nMichael: No. No. He's my nephew.\nJo: Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house.\nMichael: Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.\nJo: If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities.\nMichael: I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.\nJo: Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.\nMichael: Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other.\nKevin: Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.\nPam: Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses 'Doors closed' the doors open. Or he presses 'lobby' it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?\nKevin: Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.\nPam: Dwight is about to get so Pammed.\nDwight: Hey, did you SMS text message me?\nPam: Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on.\nDwight: [as elevator doors won't shut] Okay, that's weird. Just hitting 'door closed.' What?\nPam: There we go.\nDwight: Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! [elevator stops between floors] Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol.\nPam: Let's just calm down.\nDwight: Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately.\nPam: I don't-\nDwight: Use your talons! Pry 'em open! [starts to urinate in elevator corner]\nPam: Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God!\nDwight: Well, don't look, freak!\nPam: Dwight, what are you doing!? We've only been in here for, like, two seconds!\nDwight: I've got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!\nPam: You've gotta be kidding me.\nMichael: Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! [Luke points laser at Oscar's forehead] Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar's head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it!\nLuke: What? I'm stopping it. That's what you said.\nMichael: Give me the pointer.\nLuke: So you just want me to move it? You're being totally unclear here. I'm just gonna go ahead and move it. [points it at Angela's chest]\nMichael: No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela's boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously.\nLuke: All right, fine. Fine. I'll just go.\nMichael: Okay.\nLuke: I'm gone.\nMichael: All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we're starting with account setup-\nAndy: Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he's burning my eye.\nAngela: Michael, do something.\nMeredith: Sack up, man.\nMichael: Okay, can I have that?\nLuke: No.\nMichael: Ok, I am going to count down from five.\nBoth: Five, four...\nMichael: I'm not kidding.\nBoth: Three, two, one.\nMichael: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.\nLuke: No!\nMichael: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!\nLuke: What the?\nMichael: That's what you're going to do, Luke!\nLuke: What the hell was that?\nMichael: I had to do that.\nLuke: Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!\nMichael: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.\nKevin: That was awesome!\nStanley: Texas justice.\nKelly: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.\nCreed: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.\nJim: You follow him on Twitter?\nCreed: Everywhere I look it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.\nGabe: Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?\nMichael: Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?\nJim: Pam?\nPam: Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.\nJim: I did not do this.\nPam: I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video.\nJim: This is impressive.\nPam: Well, you know... they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.\nJim: Do they call you that?\nPam: They do call me that.\nJim: Come on, give me your hand. I'll help you down.\nPam: Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there's pee on the floor.\nJim: Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight?\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Great.\nDwight: How ya doin'?\nJim: Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.\nPam: Stop drinking the water! Stop!\nAndy: [Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked] No, no, no, no. It's the other hand. Right hand. Yeah.\nMichael: Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them.\nAndy: [Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy] Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!\nGabe: Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.\nMichael: That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery.\nGabe: Good. Well, that's the spirit.\nMichael: I can do that.\nGabe: And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors.\nMichael: Okay. Wait, what?\nToby: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael.\nMichael: Is there another option?\nGabe: The alternative is termination. [Michael stares off, considering termination...]"}
{"text": "Dwight: Wow. Late every day this week.\nPam: We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic...\nDwight: Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?\nJim: Is there really?\nDwight: Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... Ha ha ha [laughing maniacally] Well I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea.\nDwight: Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.\nJim: Aaah!\nMose: Aaah!\nDwight: You remember my cousin Mose.\nMose: Welcome children.\nPam: Were you painting in the dark?\nJim: Wait. Is this your place Dwight?\nDwight: Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?\nPam: I don't really think we need...\nJim: Oh... lets take the tour Pam.\nPam: Yeah.\nDwight: Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. [pause] I see you found out magical toy box Jim.\nJim: These are actually forks and knives from the break room.\nDwight: Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork.\nPam: And a soy sauce packet.\nDwight: Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.\nJim: Don't beat yourself up.\nDwight: We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success.\nJim: Who will be watching the children?\nDwight: No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.\nJim: Prove it.\nDwight: What?\nJim: Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works.\nDwight: Oh no, no, no.\nJim: But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good.\nDwight: I promise you, that door locks! [Jim closes the door]\nToby: What's something that you...\nMichael: This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!\nMichael: Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell.\nToby: Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here.\nMichael: I know what you want to ask me. 'Did your mom ever see you naked?'\nToby: We can do this with more privacy.\nMichael: So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key.\nDwight: Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall!\nPhyllis: The mall itself or just the stores in the mall?\nDwight: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks!\nRyan: America is one big mall.\nJim: Did something happen Dwight?\nDwight: Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim.\nAndy: Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board.\nDwight: You don't want to know.\nToby: I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons.\nPhyllis: I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid.\nPam: [on phone] Look, I'm not going to tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you? Ok, well let me know if anything changes.\nJim: Pam?\nPam: I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene, or whatever it is. Tell me everything is going to be ok.\nJim: Everything is going to be ok.\nPam: Tell me I'm good at sales.\nJim: You're good... you're good at sales.\nPam: The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair.\nAndy: Dwight?\nDwight: What?\nAndy: Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the 'F' word?\nDwight: Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients.\nStanley: No you will not.\nDwight: Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt, ok! They're 'appearance'ists!\nJim: Ok, Dwight. We can't do that. So why don't you just tell us what happened?\nPam: Yeah, what happened Dwight?\nJim: Ok.\nDwight: You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things, but there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the Mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall...\nPam: So what happened?\nDwight: I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms.\nKelly: You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to 'Pretty Woman' their asses.\nCreed: We should start our own mall!\nErin: Yeah!\nJim: Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly.\nKelly: What did I say?\nKelly: I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.\nJim: Dwight, how about this? Instead of boycotting, you and I, together, go down to that store and we teach those snobs a lesson.\nAndy: No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you.\nDwight: Ok\nJim: Alright.\nAndy: Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? [removes cuff link] How about now? [removes other cuff link] How about now? [removes tie clip] How about now?\nToby: Uh... what was your favorite flavor of...\nMichael: One hour.\nToby: What?\nMichael: One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today.\nToby: Ok, I can't count the hour if you don't talk.\nMichael: No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time.\nToby: Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, and I can't do that unless I honestly...\nMichael: You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me?\nToby: Tell me!\nToby: I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere.\nMichael: Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby.\nDwight: Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl...\nAndy: Pretty Woman.\nDwight: Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...?\nJim: No, no. I want to hear you tell it.\nDwight: Ok, Um... The sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the 'trappings' of extravagant wealth, but instead of going...\nAndy: Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like,' I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me.' And the shop girl goes, 'ok'. And Julia Roberts goes,' You girls work on commission, right?' And the girl is like,'Yeah', and Julia Roberts goes...\nKelly: Big mistake! Huge!'\nAndy: I was telling that... I was telling that.\nStanley: How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok, sure.\nWindow treatment guy: Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments?\nErin: I don't know.\nWindow treatment guy: Is one of you the office administrator?\nPam: [hesitates] I am. I am the office administrator!\nWindow treatment guy: Can I show you a few samples?\nPam: Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all.\nPam: There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work.\nMichael: Toby, can I really tell you anything?\nToby: Of course.\nMichael: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half.\nOscar: Office Administrator. So when did this happen?\nPam: A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that?\nOscar: Yeah, totally. Well, congrats!\nPam: Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right?\nOscar: Totally, that's great.\nPam: I get paid $40,000 per year.\nOscar: Great.\nPam: Maybe $50,000.\nOscar: $50,000?\nPam: No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500.\nOscar: That's great.\nJim: Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around. Now, today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman.\nAndy: A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.\nStanley: Is he still doing his boycott?\nJim: No, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah?\nKelly: You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.\nJim: Agreed.\nDwight: Really?\nOscar: Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching.\nDwight: Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?\nRyan: The glasses are a little... [Dwight drops glasses to the floor, stomps on them]\nPam: I liked them.\nKelly: I thought they were kind of cute.\nRyan: Yeah, I liked them too.\nDwight: I can't see.\nDarryl: Say stuff like, 'Good morning, Good Afternoon'. People appreciate that.\nDwight: Wait, I see you every day. Can I say 'Good month?'\nDarryl: I'm telling you how to do this man.\nAndy: If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you.\nAngel: Please and thank you go a long way.\nDwight: Copy. Thank you.\nAngela: Thank you.\nDwight: Please.\nAndy: [in a cockney accent] I think he's got it!\nMichael: And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? [howls and growls like a werewolf]\nToby: Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories.\nMichael: Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? [pause] Three hours. We're half way done.\nToby: Oh.\nPam: Hey, do you have a second?\nGabe: Yeah.\nPam: Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over.\nGabe: Right, of course!\nPam: And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you.\nGabe: Thank you so much.\nPam: I just think somebody lost the paperwork.\nGabe: Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?\nPam: Yes. Absolutely. Right away.\nToby: You know what Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff, in case my daughter ever comes over. Why don't we just run out the clock by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking?\nAndy: [fanfare]\nJim: We present to you for your comments and approval, Dwight K. Shrute.\nPhyllis: Go get 'em Dwight.\nJim: Wish us luck!\nDwight: Thank you.\nErin: Dwight [snaps a picture with a disposable camera, then drops the camera in the trash can]\nErin: Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today.\nToby: We can play something more complicated if you like.\nMichael: This is plenty complicated.\nToby: So you have played it before?\nMichael: I've played it once or twice with Jeff.\nToby: Who's Jeff?\nMichael: Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married.\nToby: So, her husband, your stepdad?\nMichael: Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.\nToby: Did you guys do much stuff together?\nMichael: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.\nToby: It's working. I'm doing it!\nAngela: [coughs for attention]\nDwight: What?\nAngela: My place tonight. Wear this. [motioning to his new outfit]\nDwight: Do you have your card?\nAngela: Yes. Don't forget the pipe.\nToby: Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?\nMichael: I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid.\nToby: Why?\nMichael: I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.\nToby: Dogs don't do that.\nMichael: Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly.\nToby: I don't know.\nMichael: When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so...\nToby: It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?\nMichael: Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok.\nToby: I'm just trying to help you Michael.\nMichael: You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?\nToby: I just want to...\nMichael: You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?\nToby: [tossing forms at Michael] Just fill them out any way you want.\nMichael: Ok.\nToby: I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate.\nMichael: You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these [giving Toby two middle fingers] and call me in the morning.\nPam: Hey Michael, um... about three months ago, I was talking to... [Michael grabs form and signs it without reading.]\nPam: There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone.\nGabe: So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation?\nToby: Yes.\nGabe: That is not how it seems to me.\nToby: He seems fine.\nGabe: You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior.\nToby: Heh.\nDarryl: I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office. All corkboard.\nPam: We can do that.\nDarryl: Right in here?\nPam: Easily.\nGabe: I'm back! Ha ha. Pam, perfect. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator about a little office administration problem.\nPam: But of course!\nGabe: Great.\nGabe: The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you are the office administrator.\nPam: So weird that there is no paperwork.\nGabe: At all.\nPam: Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America.\nGabe: Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... admit...\nPam: Admit what?\nGabe: I don't want to say it.\nPam: Say it.\nGabe: Mm-hmm.\nPam: Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.\nGabe: Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.\nPam: Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle.\nGabe: Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis?\nPam: Sure. Anything else?\nGabe: Nope.\nPam: I'll get it right away.\nPam: The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards.\nJim: Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it.\nDwight: It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal.\nJim: Wait a second. You know you can't buy that now, right? And I can come back and get it for you later. But I'm saying right now, we can't do that.\nDwight: Because I'm here for one thing. Revenge.\nJim: That's it.\nSalesman: Let me know if I can help you with anything.\nDwight: Excuse me sir.\nSalesman: Yes?\nDwight: I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me.\nSalesman: I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that.\nDwight: You work on commission, don't you?\nJim: Stop, stop, stop.\nSalesman: No, we don't.\nJim: Did you just say you remember him?\nSalesman: Of course, but he looks much less threatening now.\nJim: What does that mean?\nSalesman: We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back...\nDwight: Good Morning!\nSalesman: If he were in accordance with our dress policy.\nDwight: What?\nSalesman: But the blood stained hands...\nDwight: It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi...\nSalesman: I'm very sorry.\nDwight: Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Ok. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!\nJim: Lets just go.\nDwight: You made a big mistake. Huge!\nJim: There it is. Alright.\nDwight: Aaah!\nJim: That's pretty good.\nAndy: After you.\nDwight: [re-entering the store] I'll take the wizard!\nSalesman: Oh, ok!\nMichael: You forged them! You forged the forms!\nToby: You filled them in and faxed them yourself!\nMichael: Yes.\nToby: You remember that.\nMichael: Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake.\nToby: Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose.\nMichael: You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... [mimicking Gabe] 'I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!' [normal voice] Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!"}
{"text": "Erin: Andy? [Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd']\nJim: Yes! [as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song]\nErin: Did you write this?\nAndy: No.\nErin: Who did?\nAndy: Steven Sondheim.\nErin: Who is he? [rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing]\nAngela: What the hell is happening?\nAndy: We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.\nMichael: [cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song] That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?\nAndy: Like a month ago.\nMichael: Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?\nAndy: Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant.\nErin: I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry.\nAndy: What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.\nAndy: Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.\nErin: Oh, who else is going?\nAndy: Everyone.\nErin: Gabe seemed to think no one was going.\nAndy: What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right?\nMichael: Andy, what time's the show?\nAndy: 8pm sharp.\nMichael: How long is it?\nAndy: Hour forty-five.\nMichael: Nope, can't make it.\nMichael: They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.\nAndy: Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?\nPam: Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.\nAndy: Dwight?\nDwight: Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.\nAndy: It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.\nMichael: I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?\nAndy: If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer.\nMichael: Wow.\nAndy: This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?\nMichael: I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.\nAndy: Noishe!\nMichael: And scene.\nAngela: Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight.\nDwight: Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe.\nDwight: Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.\nDwight: Give me the punch card.\nAngela: No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show.\nDwight: That is not in the contract.\nAngela: Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?\nDwight: Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape.\nAngela: Thank you.\nAngela: Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. [faint smile]\nAndy: Hey, how are those salads?\nJim: It's my own fault-\nAndy: My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could...\nPam: We'll keep looking.\nAndy: Yes!\nJim: Really?\nPam: I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.\nAndy: Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: For a lot of reasons.\nAndy: Yeah, I know. Neiche!\nMichael: Oh, hey guys.\nStanley: You brought balloons to a play?\nMichael: I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.\nPhyllis: It's nice, like Up.\nMichael: Yes.\nUsher: Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?\nMichael: Nope.\nAndy: Guys?\nAll: Hey! Andy!\nAndy: You all made it, thank you so much.\nJim: You should actually thank Erin, she's the one who agreed to babysit.\nAndy: She's babysitting?\nErin: I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club.\nAndy: I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her.\nMichael: [trying to stuff balloons below the seats] This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.\nDarryl: Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.\nMichael: No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.\nDarryl: No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.\nMichael: Are you kidding me?\nDarryl: Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later.\nMichael: All right, I'm sorry. God.\nUsher: Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. [Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael]\nKelly: Ooooh!\nDwight: [whispering to man sitting beside him] I work with that guy.\nAngela: [after taking her gum out] Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change.\nDwight: Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.\nAngela: Oh, Dwight, just move.\nDwight: [whispering to man sitting beside him] His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.\nKelly: What time is it? [Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad]\nShelby: Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director.\nMichael: Hello.\nShelby: I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto...\nMichael: Okay.\nShelby: We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott.\nMichael: Okay.\nShelby: Yes?\nMichael: Yes.\nShelby: Good.\nMichael: Good.\nShelby: Enjoy the second act.\nMichael: You enjoy the second act.\nShelby: Have a refreshment.\nMichael: Thank you. You, too. [steals a bottle of wine from the bar]\nAngela: Come on, Dwight.\nDwight: Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?\nAngela: These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.\nDwight: Let's go.\nPam: Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine!\nJim: Everything's fine.\nPam: We can relax.\nJim: We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on.\nMeredith: [seeing Michael drink from wine bottle] Michael! [bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin]\nAndy: Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute 'break a legs' or 'I still love you' type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.\nCreed: [on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.\nAndy: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!\nSweeney Todd: You found Johanna.\nAndy: That monster of a judge has locked her-[cell phone chiming]. Locked her away. [phone continues ringing]\nSweeney Todd: There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. [audience laughs]\nMichael: How is that funny?\nSweeney Todd: The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs!\nAndy: Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. [Michael laughs]\nSweeney Todd: What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?\nAndy: [text message chime] You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...\nSweeney Todd: [yelling] Where is Johanna?\nAndy: A madhouse.\nSweeney Todd: A madhouse?\nAndy: Yes, a madhouse.\nSweeney Todd: A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? [Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons]\nAndy: Do you think... [bottle rolling] so you think... [bottle rolling, clanking]\nSweeney Todd: Fogg's Asylum , why not? [balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying]\nPam: Sounds like Cece.\nJim: Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.\nPam: [sees Erin holding Cece] Oh, my God! Go, go!\nJim: Oh, my God.\nAndy: [excited] That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter.\nErin: I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.\nJim: Okay, this was pretty simple-\nPam: Why are you here?\nJim: [overlapping with Pam] Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.\nPam: What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.\nErin: I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything.\nJim: Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or...\nErin: Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?\nPam: You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.\nErin: Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want.\nJim: No, we're good. Thank you, though.\nErin: Okay. Alright, bye Cece.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again.\nPam: Not together!\nMichael: [during curtain call for Sweeney Todd] Boo! Boo!\nAngela: That was more horrifying than Nunsense.\nDwight: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.\nAngela: Where's my car? Come on.\nMichael: Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.\nSweeney Todd: Darryl?\nDarryl: Hey!\nSweeney Todd: Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet?\nDarryl: Silent. Look, congratulations.\nSweeney Todd: Thank you.\nDarryl: I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!\nMichael: Yeah, good job. Well done.\nSweeney Todd: You're the guy who booed me.\nMichael: Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.\nSweeney Todd: No, I saw you, and you were the only one.\nMichael: Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.\nCreed: Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.\nSweeney Todd: Thank you.\nDarryl: You didn't have to boo him.\nMichael: Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling.\nDarryl: How would you like it if we booed you?\nMichael: That would never happen.\nDarryl: Boo! Boo!\nMichael: Okay. I appreciate the feedback.\nDarryl: Boo! Boo!\nMichael: I don't like that at all.\nAndy: Are you ready?\nErin: Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!\nAndy: [pretends to slit her throat] Ah! Blood everywhere.\nErin: Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work.\nAndy: Yeah, me, too.\nErin: Okay, I kill you now.\nAndy: Okay.\nDwight: All right, let's do this.\nAngela: No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted.\nDwight: It's okay, I smell.\nAngela: No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times.\nDwight: No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex.\nAngela: Well, I won't tell if you don't.\nDwight: I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... [Angela reaches into his pocket] Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. [Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card]\nAngela: Good night, Dwight.\nDwight: Good night.\nAndy: These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.\nErin: This is awesome. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. [hangs up] Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise.\nAndy: Awesome.\nErin: Okay.\nAndy: See you later.\nErin: Thank you.\nJim: [attempting to move car seat] It's like The Hurt Locker!\nPam: This night was a disaster.\nJim: No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream.\nPam: Yeah?\nJim: We could put that in orange juice.\nPam: Get it.\nJim: Yeah?\nPam: Let's get our juice on.\nJim: Yeah!\nPhyllis: Found him!\nMichael: Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?\nAndy: Yeah, I guess you could say that.\nMichael: Yeah, I get those every day after work.\nPhyllis: Your show was really great, Andy.\nStanley: Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off.\nAndy: It was like amateur hour.\nOscar: It was an amateur production, technically.\nMichael: Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome.\nAndy: Stop just saying that.\nMichael: I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.\nAndy: Thank you. That feels good.\nMichael: I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.\nDarryl: Andy, sing us another song.\nAndy: Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.\nPhyllis: Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight.\nMichael: Come on, Andy, seriously.\nAll: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!\nAndy: Okay, all right, all right, all right.\nAndy: [sings Macy Gray's 'I Try' and everyone joins in]\nMichael: In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about.\nShelby: Thanks you.\nMichael: No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act."}
{"text": "Dwight: [driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work] Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! [man walks away] Que? QUE?\nMexican Man: [speaking Spanish]\nSon: We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back.\nMexican Man: [speaking Spanish]\nSon: We've lost friends.\nMexican Man: [speaking Spanish]\nSon: We don't know what he does with them.\nMexican Man: [speaking Spanish]\nSon: I don't want to talk about it anymore.\nDwight: I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada.\nNate: Hola amigo.\nDwight: Hola, tu es une buena worker?\nNate: Si, yo muy bueno worker.\nDwight: Y el accento, donde are you from?\nNate: Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia.\nDwight: You speak English?\nNate: Yes, I'm really good at English.\nDwight: Ok, good. Me too, get in the car.\nNate: [quietly] Okay.\nDwight: [nods to camera]\nAngela: [seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot] Who's this guy by our cars?\nDwight: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.\nPhyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress.\nDwight: Poor hornet.\nDwight: [looking outside through the window] I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets...\nRyan: But if he doesn't?\nDwight: He'll die.\nKelly: What?\nAndy: Uhh, beg your pardon?\nDwight: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?\nNate: [picks up blowtorch]\nKelly: Is that a blow torch?!\nPam: No. No no no! [nos coming from all employees]\nDwight: Interesting choice...\nPam: [Nate starts walking away from hornet's nest, puts down the blowtorch] Yes!\nAndy: Very very smart.\nPam: Yeah, go away. [Kelly nodding]\nNate: [picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet's nest]\nEmployees except Dwight: No! No no!\nDwight: A bat! Impressive...\nAndy: Oh it's stinging him! Ow! Ow! [yelling all around the office]\nMichel: [walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on] Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?\nErin: [giggles] Terrific!\nMichael: There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.\nPhyllis: [seeing a large red spot on Michael's lip] God! Wow!\nMichael: [shying away] Look, [sighs] It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.\nPhyllis: That's no pimple Michael.\nMichael: You mean cancer?\nPam: What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.\nPam: It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.\nMeredith: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a cold sore.\nMichael: It is?\nMeredith: Yup, just a cold sore.\nMichael: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.\nKevin: I know how you got it. [smug expression on his face]\nMichael: How?\nKevin: Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.\nMichael: What?\nPam: Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don't know what that is.\nMeredith: I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.\nKevin: I never seen herpes on you.\nMeredith: Because it's on my genitals, genius.\nKevin: You have a penis?\nAndy: Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?\nMichael: Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.\nJim: That was like, ten years ago.\nMichael: No! It was like four years ago!\nKevin: Michael, you're at least forty six!\nMichael: Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six. [later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore]\nKelly: Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?\nAngela: This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.\nAndy: You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.\nKelly: I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs.\nOscar: I don't even wanna know these things!\nMeredith: [walking in] Hey guys! [Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room]\nMichael: How did this happen, how did I get this?\nDwight: Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it.\nMichael: You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Woman in every port.\nDwight: What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...\nMichael: Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.\nDwight: You may have...\nMichael: Oh my God! What if I did?\nDwight: You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes.\nMichael: Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.\nDwight: You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do.\nMichael: There's no way I'm gonna do that.\nDwight: Then I will.\nMichael: [makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up]\nDwight: No, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.\nDonna: [on phone] Hello?\nMichael: Hi Donna. It's Michael.\nDonna: Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been?\nMichael: I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.\nDonna: Oh no.\nMichael: I can't even say it. H-I...\nDonna: Oh my God.\nMichael: ...R-P-E-E-S\nDonna: Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes?\nMichael: No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?\nDonna: Ummm, no.\nMichael: Does your stupid husband have it?\nDonna: No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested?\nMichael: Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!\nDwight: So long Donna! [Michael hangs up]\nAndy: Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?\nStanley: Not again...\nAndy: What do you mean again?\nStanley: You're always asking for our attention.\nAndy: Maybe like a year ago...\nStanley: Seems recent.\nAndy: No, that's...\nOscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.\nAndy: Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.\nPhyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.\nStanley: [agreement around the office] That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores.\nAndy: It's the world's only international sport! [sits down]\nHolly: [on phone] This is Holly.\nMichael: No this is Holly.\nHolly: No this is Holly.\nMichael: No this is Holly.\nHolly: No, this is Michael Scott.\nMichael: Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.\nHolly: I am calling because, there's a terrible crash!\nMichael: Oh really? Was anyone killed?\nHolly: A lot of people.\nMichael: Any nuns?\nHolly: Three nuns, [Michael laughs] from a Missionary in South Africa.\nMichael: [Dwight looks confused to the camera] Were they in the missionary position? [Holly laughs]\nAndy: [singing] Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. [stops singing] Yeah, now you're looking at me. Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.\nMichael: [still on phone with Holly] Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't been transferred?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: We would have twins. [Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael's 'herpes']\nHolly: I don't think we'd have kids.\nMichael: Mmhmm!\nHolly: It was just for a few weeks!\nMichael: Mhhmm! We would be married.\nHolly: [sternly] Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know.\nMichael: Do what?\nHolly: You romanticize things.\nMichael: I don't romanticize th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing 'Yes you do'] No...\nHolly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.\nMichael: He had no arms or legs, he couldn't hear see, or speak... This is how he let a nation.\nHolly: You made ourselves to be more than we were.\nMichael: We were more than we were.\nHolly: I don't know what you're getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory.\nMichael: Ok, alright I gotta go.\nHolly: Michael... [Michael hangs up]\nDwight: [to the camera] He forgot to mention the herpes.\nMichael: It didn't come up organically.\nJan: [to a client] ...to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. [Seeing Michael and Dwight] Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it'll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. [to client again] The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to...\nJan: How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you.\nMichael: It's nice to see you doing so well.\nJan: Yeah I'm really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. [laughs] We're loving it, yeah. I'm kind of a supermom.\nMichael: Bringing home the bacon.\nJan: Yeah. [singing] Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget... [laughs] I love that commercial.\nDwight: I don't understand the reference.\nJan: Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call.\nDwight: We had to come over right away, it's urgent. Michael has something to tell you. [Michael shushes him]\nJan: Are you gonna keep me in suspense? [Michael sighs]\nMichael: [after long wait, to Dwight] Would you excuse us...\nDwight: Ok I'm gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Ok, is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it.\nMichael: He hasn't changed.\nJan: No, so what couldn't wait?\nMichael: Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?\nJan: Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem.\nMichael: What?\nJan: You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Ok, I'm in.\nAndy: So, guys. I've been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we're better than that. Ok, now I'm going to show you a picture of genitalia. [grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man]\nErin: Andy...\nAndy: What, is it because he's black?\nJim: Nope, it's because it's genitalia.\nAndy: Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I'm going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. [Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out]\nJim: Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see?\nAndy: It's normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.\nJan: No! In the beginning we were not good.\nMichael: Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!\nJan: Well if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong!\nMichael: Because we work together.\nJan: No, ok. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!\nMichael: Am I the princess?\nJan: No I'm the princess, and the queen.\nMichael: [sighs] Ok, so I'm the guy at the station.\nAstrid: Mommy!\nJan: Assy! Awwhhh how was school?\nAstrid: It was cool.\nJan: [singing] What did you learn?\nAstrid: What did I learn?\nJan: You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we're all, sisters and brothers.\nMichael: I have herpes.\nMichael: I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong...\nAndy: Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences?\nKevin: It feels unbelievable!\nAndy: [writing on board] Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels...\nKevin: ...unbelievable.\nPhyllis: The ability to express love physically. It's a magical thing.\nAndy: Express love, magical.\nKevin: It feels amazing!\nAndy: Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable?\nKevin: Yes.\nAndy: Then I will write it down.\nCreed: The feeling of pure risk.\nAndy: I actually had that down in the cons column, but...\nCreed: It's thrilling.\nAndy: Ok, umm. I'll move that. Thrill of risk.\nErin: Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex?\nAndy: Yes! Thank you! Such as?\nErin: Unplanned pregnancy.\nAndy: Yes, unplanned pregnancy.\nKelly: Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat?\nKevin: Just admit that your baby was a mistake.\nPam: Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.\nJim: Good!\nDarryl: I'm sure they don't regret having their child, let's move it to the pros.\nJim and Pam: Thank you!\nAndy: Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column.\nDwight: Next stop is Helene. You're gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I'll remind you.\nMichael: You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She...\nDwight: Jan knows paper.\nMichael: No, I'm not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there.\nDwight: Wait, what Holly said?\nMichael: Yes, I don't...\nDwight: Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes.\nMichael: I know, I know.\nDwight: Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay.\nMichael: Got it.\nDwight: TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW!\nMichael: I'M TRYING! GOD!\nMichael: [walks into park with Dwight] Hi stranger! Long time!\nOld Woman: Who are you?\nMichael: I'm Michael. We dated for a while.\nOld Woman: I don't think so...\nHelene: Michael?\nMichael: Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene?\nDwight: Come on old lady. Let's go.\nOld Woman: What is happening? [Dwight shushes her]\nDwight: Come on.\nAndy: Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is?\nDarryl: Condoms.\nAndy: Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, ok? Abstinence.\nDarryl: Ohh. Ok. I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski! [office laughs]\nAndy: I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That's all. Anybody?\nPam: Andy that's way too personal of a question.\nAndy: Well someone could answer if they want to. [looks at Erin hopefully] Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil. [Stanley laughs]\nAndy: What?\nOscar: Why would you choose a pencil Andy?\nAndy: Well I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.\nMeredith: Come on, give it a rest pencil dick.\nAndy: I'm doing this for you Meredith!\nMeredith: I didn't want you it!\nAndy: Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?! [throws pizza box at painting and leaves]\nHelene: It'll go away in time just don't touch it.\nMichael: Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?\nHelene: What did you think we were?\nMichael: Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you...\nHelene: I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.\nMichael: Jerk. [walks off]\nDwight: Michael! [attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.]\nCarroll: So this is the chef's kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers.\nMichael: Real entertainers, like Billy Joel.\nCarroll: Michael.\nMichael: Carroll, how are you?\nCarroll: I'm great! How are you?\nMichael: I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her.\nCarroll: You didn't call my office and ask where I was?\nMichael: No.\nCarroll: Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover.\nMichael: Weird...\nCarroll: Yeah.\nMichael: He sounds like a nice guy.\nAndy: I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith.\nGabe: This wasn't really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up.\nAndy: How is that relevant to anything?\nGabe: I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, 'My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.' I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way.\nAndy: The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.\nGabe: I'll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you.\nMichael: Oh wow another living room!\nCarroll: It's a family room.\nMichael: You put the TV here, you put the family over here.\nCarroll: Michael why are you here?\nMichael: Someone told me that I romanticize relationships\nCarroll: You know, we all do that.\nMichael: I have herpes.\nCarroll: What? Did you have that while we were together?\nMichael: I just found out today. It's, uh, right there.\nCarroll: Oh! Oh, that's what you're talking about?\nMichael: Mmhmm, I'm sorry.\nCarroll: Did the doctor check it out?\nMichael: I'm between specialists right now.\nCarroll: Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date.\nMichael: Well I believe in love at first sight.\nCarrol: Well so do I, but we didn't love each other at first either. I don't know what you were thinking!\nMichael: I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous.\nDwight: [walking downstairs] Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they?\nCarroll: No.\nDarryl: [Andy walks in Darryl's office] We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?\nAndy: No I'm just sweating.\nDarryl: I don't know who's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.\nAndy: I'm not crying I'm just sweating.\nDarryl: Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.\nAndy: Ok.\nDarryl: Yeah.\nDarryl: I have no idea what his problem is, that's just my standard advice. It's good advice right?\nHolly: [on answering machine] This is Holly Flax, I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. [BEEP]\nMichael: Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know? It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.\nOscar: What is this about?\nMichael: Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall?\nOscar: Yes!\nMichael: You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.\nOscar: What?\nMichael: Herpes duplex.\nDwight: It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive.\nMichael: I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.\nOscar: We were never lovers!\nDwight: I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...\nMichael: Flower shops, fireworks celebrations...\nDwight: Fence with a hole in it..\nMichael: Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park...\nDwight: The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk's home.\nMichael: An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving]\nDwight: The democratic primaries,\nMichael: Oscar! Think abou- Think! [door slams]"}
{"text": "Michael: Look at that.\nOscar: Huh?\nMichael: Nice!\nOscar: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.\nPam: Okay.\nMichael: She is a beaut!\nDwight: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.\nOscar: Yes, it is.\nMichael: Oh, look at that. [pushing bike] Smooth roll.\nOscar: Yeah.\nKevin: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!\nOscar: Yes.\nMeredith: His ass was on that seat? All right!\nKevin: Nice.\nOscar: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses.\nKelly: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now.\nPam: [crashing sound] Michael!\nMichael: Oh, god!\nOscar: Oh...\nMichael: Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike.\nJim: Are you sure you once knew how to do this?\nMichael: I did, yes! I had those extra wheels on the back...that support you. [Pam and Jim begin wheeling him] Mi-chael! Mi-chael!\nAll: [chanting] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael!\nDwight: Yeah!\nPam: Come on, Michael! Yeah!\nJim: Just steer more now.\nMichael: [crashes into Jim and Pam's parked car] Oh, my god!\nPam: Not the car!\nJim: No! No!\nMichael: Ow! [grunts, stumbles to his feet] You never forget. Whoo!\nDwight: How do I look?\nJim: Amazing. How do I look?\nDwight: Normal. Ugly.\nJim: Well, I do the best with what I've got. Let's go.\nDwight: Alright. Wait, wait, wait, wait for me! It's weird if I come in slightly after.\nDwight: We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select, Steve Nash.\nJim: He's not the Steve Nash. He's big though. He's kind of like...Scranton's Steve Nash.\nDwight: Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think they'll understand? It's condescending.\nJim: I'm not doing that. I'm just explaining.\nDwight: And who is this 'the' Steve Nash?\nJim: Phoenix Sun's point guard?\nDwight: No.\nJim: No? Nothin'?\nDwight: No, Mr. Jock Hipster.\nJim: Well, I'm neither of those things, so...\nAndy: [reading Cornell magazine] Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh, says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale-Oh, my God!\nPhyllis: What? Is Dan okay?\nAndy: No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob. You know this guy; I showed you his picture on Facebook.\nPhyllis: Yes.\nAndy: Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, 'Calci-YUM!', featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio. Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio, and I think you can hear it in the song.''\nPhyllis: Oh, that's great news for your friend.\nAndy: Yeah, yeah, it's great...\nPhyllis: You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder.\nAndy: I was the artsy, musical one. In Here Comes Treble I had four solos, Broccoli rob had three. Right? Uhh.\nDwight: Go tell her we're here. You're good with receptionists.\nJim: Oh, ha ha ha. Dwight...[motions to lobby]\nDwight: Crap.\nDwight: Danny Cordray is the worst.\nJim: Well, by worst, you mean the best.\nDwight: The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop, steals more clients from Dunder-Mifflin than anyone.\nJim: So, the situation is the worst.\nDwight: Also, he slept with Pam.\nJim: No, he didn't. [Dwight mouthing 'yes, he did']\nJim: Tell 'em.\nPam: Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.\nJim: What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.\nPam: That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.\nJim: Yeah, I thought you started it.\nPam: No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. [Jim nodding repeatedly] You know I have a kid with you, right?\nJim: Ahhh.\nDwight: I'm gonna intimidate him. Okay?\nJim: Okay, great-\nDwight: Watch this.\nJim: -I'm just gonna watch.\nDwight: [speaking loudly] So anyway, she says, 'that is the biggest penis I have ever seen.' And I said, 'I know. That's why I brought you to the Penis Museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.' Well, hello Danny!\nDanny: Hey, Dwight. Good to see you. Jim, hey.\nJim: [shaking hands] How are ya?\nDanny: Good to see you too.\nDwight: What are you doing?\nDanny: Oh, I'm just here for the coffee.\nDwight: Like hell you are.\nJim: Dwight!\nDwight: He's not just here for the coffee, Jim. Wake up!\nMichael: Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello?\nJim: Hey, it's Jim. Listen, this is important. Are you busy?\nMichael: Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up?\nAngela: What?\nOscar: You are busy! We're in a meeting!\nMichael: It's Jim, Okay? Yes.\nJim: Listen, you gotta get over here, 'cause we're pitching Steve Nash and Danny Cordray is here.\nMichael: You need the big guns, yes?\nJim: Yes.\nDwight: What'd he say? What did he say?\nJim: The big gun thing. [Dwight grabs at phone] Stop!\nMichael: I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight. [hangs up] Well, I know a lot of you thought that my sales days were behind me, and to be honest, so did I...and the only reason I got out of the sales game was to be reluctantly called back in.\nPam: You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager.\nMichael: [laughing] No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me?\nPam: You don't?\nMichael: No! Okay. [runs out the door] All right.\nAndy: [knocking] Knockity-knock, don't knock back. Just kidding you can knock; it's your office. Do you have a minute?\nDarryl: I'm very busy with time-sensitive work.\nAndy: Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into Weight Watchers dot com.\nDarryl: If you don't enter them immediately, you forget. What?\nAndy: I'm starting a band and I need you on keyboards.\nDarryl: Nah. I play for pleasure.\nAndy: This is for pleasure.\nDarryl: I wouldn't enjoy that.\nAndy: I'm willing to pay you.\nDarryl: Oh, yeah?\nAndy: Yeah.\nDarryl: How much?\nAndy: Sixty bucks a session.\nDarryl: That's crazy money. I'll take forty.\nAndy: Yes!\nDwight: There he is.\nMichael: Oh, no, that's a male model.\nJim: No, that's him.\nMichael: That...hello. Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company.\nDanny: Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper.\nMichael: Nice to meet you.\nDanny: Three of you guys for one sale.\nMichael: Yeah, well...we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy?\nDanny: Well, whatever works for ya. Anyway. All right.\nMichael: All right.\nDanny: It's good to see you guys. Nice to meet you.\nMichael: Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model.\nReceptionist: He's ready for you.\nMichael: Oh, thank you. All right. On the count of three, it's showtime. Ready, one, two-\nJim: Nope, not doing that.\nDwight: I've been in showtime mode since breakfast.\nMichael: Okay, you know-all right, just forget it then.\nJim: Showtime!\nMichael: It's showtime! Oh...never mind. Let's go.\nMichael: When I knock on your door, you know who it is; it's Michael Scott. We've been together forever and we-\nSteve: Michael, I appreciate everything that Dunder-Mifflin has done for this company.\nMichael: You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We're going to deliver to you on weekends.\nSteve: That's very generous, but-\nMichael: And you know what else we're gonna do? I can't believe I'm gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you'd better shake my hand right now.\nDwight: He's not kidding.\nMichael: Shake it, shake it!\nSteve: Michael, I'm going with Danny.\nDwight: Oh.\nSteve: Thanks for coming in.\nMichael: Okay. Thank you.\nSteve: Thank you.\nMichael: Thanks, Steve.\nDwight: Jim talked too much.\nJim: No, I didn't.\nDwight: Yes, you did.\nMichael: Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done, we just got bested. [pounds the elevator button] Why is there a door close button if it doesn't even close the door?\nMichael: How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned.\nMichael: You know who we always lose out to? Staples, the big guys. Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are. What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy? Stanley, how do we combat him?\nStanley: We sell better?\nMichael: Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave?\nStanley: I would like to stay. This pertains to me.\nMichael: Why don't you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay?\nStanley: Why do you always assume I have diabetes?\nMichael: I don't know, your frame, your build-why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic. [Stanley stands to leave] See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis?\nPhyllis: I could try to seduce him.\nMichael: Oh, my god!\nDwight: I know how we can learn his tricks.\nDwight: What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy.\nJim: Is that your office?\nDwight: Yes, Jim. And with a little tweaking, it becomes a different office. We lure Danny to it and watch him sell.\nPhyllis: Uh...\nStanley: I'm outta here.\nPhyllis: This is weird.\nMichael: You know what this is? This is a stinger.\nJim: A what?\nMichael: Like the movie.\nJim: I think you mean The Sting.\nMichael: Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers.\nJim: Nope. Different movie.\nDwight: The Sting. The Sting.\nErin: Your two o'clock. [Danny enters]\nMeredith: Thanks, hun.\nJim: Meredith was the perfect choice to play the head of the company. Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny and...that's it. That's really all we were looking for.\nDanny: Danny Cordray. It's great to meet you.\nMeredith: Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you.\nJim: Meredith Van Helsing?\nDwight: Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer.\nJim: Okay. But what is he more famous for?\nMichael: Shhh! Hey! That's my mug.\nJim: You know this isn't real TV, right?\nMichael: Yes.\nDarryl and Andy: [singing] Please Mr. President, if you wanna give hope a whirl, bring our troops home safe and sound, says this little girl.\nAndy: [in falsetto] Please Mr. President-\nDarryl: One second, one second, one second. [stops playing] So, this song is from the point of view of a little girl?\nAndy: Yeah.\nDarryl: But you're singing it.\nAndy: Yeah, but I'm using my falsetto.\nDarryl: No, that's not a good idea. I don't see that as a very good song.\nAndy: Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better if you actually sang with some soul.\nDarryl: Oh, I never sing with soul.\nAndy: That's a lie.\nKevin: I could sing it.\nAndy: I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs.\nKevin: But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan.\nAndy: Okay, three-way argument between a drummer, a keyboardist, and the front man lead singer. Wonder who's gonna win this one. Two, three, four-\nDanny: I'm gonna take off my coat, if you don't mind. It's a bit warm in here.\nMeredith: Hel-lo!\nMichael: Oh, no, no. No. Don't-\nDwight: People can't keep their true natures hidden for long, and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire.\nMichael: Testify.\nJim: Okay, he's not that good-looking. I don't understand why everybody's obsessed with this-\nMichael: Yeah, he is that good-looking.\nDwight: He's very, very handsome.\nMichael: Okay.\nMeredith: That's a great set of shoulder's you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine? [phone rings] Sorry. Yeah?\nMichael: Pull it together, all right? Stop lookin' at him.\nMeredith: I'm sorry. [hangs up] You're here to sell me some paper.\nDanny: Well, actually, uh... no, Miss Van Helsing, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to meet you, see if we'd be a, you know, good fit.\nMeredith: What do you mean?\nMichael: Oh...my god! He's making her sell to him.\nAndy: [everyone finishes listening to song] Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar?\nOscar: It's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid.\nAndy: But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something?\nPam: Not really. It's kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl.\nAndy: I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the Olympics.\nRyan: I-I don't think they usually...skate to such...bad songs.\nAndy: Rude. And not helpful.\nCreed: Well, I really, really, really liked it.\nAndy: Well, that...really bums me out.\nCreed: You're welcome.\nDanny: We should think of this as a first date. And I think it's going very well, how 'bout you?\nMeredith: Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me.\nDanny: Ha ha, okay, there you go! [phone rings, Meredith answers]\nMichael: Stay-\nMeredith: Shut up and let me do this! [hangs up] You know, what is with this desk keeping us so far apart?\nDanny: I've never been a desk man. Always traveling on the road. Come on...why not, huh?\nDwight: Oh...\nDanny: Well, we'll get this...[Meredith unbuttons]\nMichael: Oh!\nDwight: Oh, man!\nMeredith: So, what's your drink? You a vodka man? Me too.\nJim: We gotta get someone else in there right now.\nJim: You're an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech and-\nOscar: That sounds fake.\nJim: What do you mean?\nDwight: I told you! You're an exec at Stark Industries, a corporation you inherited from your father-\nJim: Will you stop? Stop it, stop it. Here's the story-they need Meredith somewhere else asap, okay?\nOscar: Okay.\nJim: So you're taking over. You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can.\nOscar: All right. I can do that. Then what?\nDwight: Then make him pitch to you.\nJim: Yes.\nDwight: We gotta see what he's got.\nJim: Exactly. You can do this.\nDwight: Okay, and remember-you're not gay.\nJim: Stop it! It's gonna be great.\nOscar: Okay.\nJim: And listen if anything else happens, just...roll with it.\nOscar: Meredith, I-\nMeredith: Oh, Manuel! This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English.\nDanny: Hola. Que tal?\nOscar: Como estas, senor?\nMeredith: Uh, Manuel, cleano el window.\nJim: Who else we got?\nDwight: Okay. You're a young hotshot from Stark Industries. You've just bought this company. Meredith is fired. It's a whole new regime. He's gotta pitch to you now.\nRyan: Okay. Stark Industries isn't real. I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me in-\nJim: Great. Sounds awesome. Just have him pitch to you.\nMichael: Don't let us down.\nRyan: [points to Jim] Will do. [points to Michael] Won't do.\nDanny: Yeah, sure.\nMeredith: You smell like a Scorpio. [Ryan enters] This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesn't speak English either. Esteban, el flooro.\nDanny: You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space, and I hate when I see others do that, so-\nMeredith: Danny, I feel a real connection to you, and I gotta get real, I'm-\nMichael: No, no, no...\nJim: No, no, no, no...\nMichael: I'm goin 'in!\nDwight: Michael! No, Michael, stop it! No!\nMichael: Stop, stop! Oh, my god! [enters office] Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody, stop.\nDanny: Michael Scott.\nMichael: I said stop. Okay, Danny...this is not Pennsylvania Solartech. This is Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. This is Meredith Palmer-\nMeredith: Please to meet you-\nMichael: Don't! Get away from him. Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever.\nDanny: Hmm.\nMichael: I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique, so we could stop losing so many clients to you.\nDanny: But from where?\nMichael: A surveillance room next to this one.\nDanny: Okay, so you...set up this fake company, then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique?\nMichael: Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery.\nDanny: Or...crazy.\nMichael: Well-\nDanny: I'm gonna go.\nMichael: Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me. Jim and Dwight are behind that wall in the surveillance room and it was their plan as well.\nDwight: No!\nJim: No, no, no, no.\nDanny: Oh, well then, yeah. All right. Hey! [knocking on wall] Good luck, guys. Seems like you got a great operation here.\nMichael: No, we don't. Here's-here's my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks.\nDanny: What do you mean, my tricks? There's no tricks, man. I'm just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can't copy that! [opens door to leave]\nMichael: You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that...I want you to work for me.\nDanny: Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy.\nMichael: So, you will?\nDanny: [opening door again to leave] No!\nMichael: Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same?\nDanny: Get out of my way.\nMichael: Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny?\nDanny: I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not-it's just I'm very upset right now.\nMichael: I know, I know.\nDanny: I'm very upset!\nMichael: Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?\nDanny: More freedom.\nMichael: I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?\nMichael: Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny!\nKelly: [bleep] me!\nMichael: O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is?\nKelly: Josh Duhamel.\nAngela: Yeah, I can see that.\nMichael: No. No. No. Somebody in this office.\nKevin: He's like a better-looking Andy.\nAndy: Thanks, Kevin.\nMichael: No, me. Right? Sorta like...a little younger version of me.\nOscar: It's hard to judge ourselves accurately, isn't it.\nDwight: Michael?\nMichael: Yes.\nDwight: Can I talk to you about something?\nMichael: No, you may not.\nDwight: It's about this very announcement you just made.\nMichael: I said no.\nDwight: Michael-\nMichael: We're not-\nJim: Michael, I think you really want to talk to him.\nMichael: Okay. Let's-all right, all right. Let's talk. Please don't let him leave. [pointing to Danny] Don't leave. Don't let him.\nErin: Gotcha. [they go into Michael's office]\nJim: You hired him?\nMichael: Guys, let me ask you something. Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same?\nAll: Stay the same.\nMichael: Okay. Well...get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better.\nPhyllis: It's not gonna get better; he's gonna steal all of our clients.\nMichael: No, no. Wrong. He would have stolen your clients, but you know what? He can't now. This guy used to steal sales from us; now, he's going to steal sales for us.\nDwight: Where's he gonna sit? There's no more seats.\nMichael: He doesn't need to sit, he's a traveling salesman. Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff simply because they are threatening to you. And unless you have a better argument than that, I suggest you leave.\nStanley: Hmpf!\nDwight: Where's he gonna park? There's no more reserved parking spots.\nMichael: Good-bye!\nDarryl: Song's about truth.\nKevin: Yeah.\nDarryl: What's something you really care about?\nAndy: Reverse snobbery.\nDarryl: More universal.\nAndy: Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by.\nDarryl: [plays soft chords and sings] Couldn't get outta bed today. Wish the alarm clock would go away.\nKevin: Oh, nice!\nAndy: Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-that's amazing!\nDarryl: Go ahead.\nAndy: [singing] Which me am I gonna be today?\nDarryl: Which me am I gonna be today?\nAndy: I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me?\nKevin: Or the me that stinks.\nAndy: Oh, my gosh! We're almost out of time. How much for another half hour?\nDarryl: Oh, don't worry about it.\nAndy: Wait. Seriously?\nDarryl: Yeah.\nAndy: So we're just, like, jamming as friends?\nDarryl: One, two, three, hit it.\nAndy: Closet full of mes-\nDanny: Oh, you know...funny. Your wife and I went on a few dates.\nJim: Did ya?\nDanny: Yeah. Way ,way, way back.\nJim: I'm just kidding. She told me about it.\nDanny: Oh. She was not into me.\nJim: Oh.\nDanny: Obviously. I don't even think she called me back.\nDwight: You snubbed her.\nJim: Dwight, please.\nDwight: Let me handle this, Jim. Drop the act, Cordray, okay? We all know that you probably thought that Pam was too 'meh' or thin without being toned. But I wanna tell you something-she is one of the plain hearty women of Scranton that make this city great. And so what if she doesn't wear makeup? [Pam mouthing 'I wear makeup'] We like her better that way! And you steal clients, don't you? Don't you!\nDanny: Okay...that's different.\nDwight: Oh, that's different, is it? Okay...thief. You better check your things, people. In fact, where are my keys? Oh, there in my pocket. False alarm. Okay. [awkward pause] So...you're gonna be workin' here?\nDanny: Uh...I mean-yeah.\nDwight: Welcome aboard.\nDanny: Thank you.\nJim: Hey, crazy, um...so...that's it? You're just-you're fine?\nDwight: It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home. [shakes Danny's hand]\nDanny: Oh.\nDwight: Pleasure.\nDanny: Thanks.\nMichael: This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer.\nKevin: [singing and playing drums] Sun's in her eyes, tongue full of flies. Would you like to share my paaaaaaad?\nAll: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love and I gave her the croak that meant I love you.\nDarryl: I'll be your croak monsieur.\nAndy: [falsetto] I'll be your croak madame.\nKevin: Your mama mighta said that bullfrogs are dogs, but I'm here to tell you that I am a frog! Come and sit on my log, you little pollywog.\nDarryl: I find you absolutely ribbiting!\nAll: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love.\nAndy: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love.\nKevin: Croak!\nAndy: Ribbit!\nDarryl: Scoopity-splash!\nKevin: Nice."}
{"text": "Andy: What about this one? It's kinda badass, right? Just seems kinda crazy in a way I might need right now.\nJim: I don't know. [looks at Stanley, who took his mug and is drinking out of it] Oh! That's... not... yours.\nJim: Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice?\nStanley: What's a seven letter word for purse?\nKevin: [sitting at Phyllis' desk, dressed like Phyllis; high pitched voice] Satchel!\nStanley: Nope. Starts with an H.\nAndy: [shirtless, wearing only a tie] Handbag.\nStanley: Hmmm. [glances at Andy] Thank you.\nAndy: Shh! Shhh! [watches Jim put a cardboard box over Stanley's monitor]\nMichael: [standing outside the conference room, wearing fake teeth, watching Stanley walk in] All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in sales!\nAll: Yay! [applause]\nStanley: [looks at the clock, then at his watch] Hold up! That clock is slow. It is five o'clock, I will see you all tomorrow:\nPam: [turns around, is wearing a mustache] Bye, Stanley! Love you! [waves, Stanley leaves]\nDwight: [standing next to a pony] So long, Stanley!\nStanley: Night, everybody.\nOscar: So what kind of statement are you making with that costume, Kevin?\nKevin: The statement that I am making, Oscar, is that I kind of look like Michael Moore.\nErin: Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin! Happy Halloween! How can I haunt you today?\nMichael: A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! [puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard, high pitched voice] Six seconds, MacGruber! [lifts head] Pam's got a lot of fun stuff planned! [puts head down, high pitched voice] Uh, two seconds MacGruber! [lifts head] Including a... costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board... OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! [throws fake bomb, takes off sunglasses, points to camera] MACGRUBERRRR!\nPam: People are really into the costume contest this year. Might have something to do with the prize, maybe you've heard of it. The 2011 Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book worth over fifteen thousand dollars in savings!\nJim: Stop.\nDwight: [has his hands around Jim's neck] Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.\nJim: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.\nDwight: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler. [looks at Pam] Oh-ho! That's very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrute's mom.\nPam: What?\nDwight: You're only one third as beautiful and only half her height.\nPam: I'm supposed to be Olive Oyl. And it makes more sense when I'm standing next to Popeye, but... Jim doesn't want to put his costume on.\nJim: [places pipe in mouth] I am Popeye!\nJim: I've never really been a costume guy. Even when I was a kid, it just felt like something I was too old for. And then this morning, when Pam hands me this little number [holds up Popeye costume, shakes head] ...no.\nGabe: [dressed as Lady Gaga] In case you can't read m-m-my Poker Face... [laughs] we will be reviewing our sales policies. [accepts note from Michael, reads it out loud] I have ten seconds to read them or this whole place blows up.\nMichael: MACGRUBER!\nTodd Packer: Lame. Why don't witches wear panties?\nMichael: Oh, here we go!\nTodd Packer: Because they need to grip the broom!\nMichael: [laughs] OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?\nDwight: Lake Erie.\nGabe: When our warehouse workers make deliveries, they're going to be encouraged to offer clients extra products. And then they will split those commissions with sales.\nMichael: So, wait, drivers are going to be able to sell paper on the road?\nGabe: That is correct.\nTodd Packer: Has anyone started calling you 'Gabe-wad' yet?\nGabe: Not here.\nDanny: Gabe-wad.\nGabe: Okay, guys, fun is fun, but-\nMichael: Blackula!\nDarryl: Dracula.\nMichael: Oh, so... I almost forgot. You'll find this hilarious. Apparently corporate is going to have drivers sell paper on their routes now. That's like, exactly sort of the idea that you had.\nDarryl: Yes. I do remember saying something like that to you.\nMichael: Yeah. I'm sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that, man.\nDarryl: I'm just glad we're gonna try it out.\nMichael: Really? We're good?\nDarryl: Yeah. We're cool.\nMichael: Okay. [reaches out and shakes Darryl's hand] Okay.\nDarryl: What's under your shirt?\nMichael: Oh. It's a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.\nMichael: Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing.\nToby: [leans hobo sack against the refrigerator] It's a great stick, right?\nRyan: It's really good. It's a classic. I think you might win the whole thing with that.\nToby: Thanks!\nOscar: Everyone realizes that this coupon book isn't actually worth fifteen thousand dollars, right? You'd have to spend two hundred thousand dollars on crap you don't actually need to get fifteen thousand dollars worth of benefits. I'm not the only one who sees this, right?\nToby: No.\nRyan: No.\nKelly: I get that. I get that.\nDanny: Excuse me, everybody. I want to invite you all to the Halloween party I'm having at my bar.\nKevin: You own a bar?\nDanny: Public School, at exit 11.\nOscar: That's a great name. You're hilarious. A plus!\nDanny: So. You're all on the list!\nRyan: Hey, man, can I get a plus five? It's all guys.\nCreed: Hey, what's the crowd like, Danny? Our age?\nDanny: Okay.\nKevin: I don't think that she would leave Jim for Danny.\nPhyllis: I don't know, they're both handsome.\nDwight: Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?\nPhyllis: I think he-\nCreed: Hey hey hey, quiet, here she comes! Did you hear about that Danny guy? Heard he used to date Pam.\nJim: So four years ago, when I was in Stamford, Connecticut, and dating someone else, Pam went on two dates with Danny. Which was obviously the greatest love story ever told, given how much people are walking on eggshells around us.\nPam: We were basically Romeo and Juliet.\nJim: That's right.\nPam: Except where Juliet doesn't have that great a time and Romeo doesn't call back after two dates.\nJim: Yikes.\nPam: But I've learned to love again. [puts her arm on Jim's shoulder] He's a cartoon sailor.\nJim: Oh, no.\nPam: And looks so handsome in his UNIFORM! Please?\nJim: No. No, I'm not gonna-no.\nAndy: Tuna! Tuna! Do you want us to skip this party?\nJim: I don't care.\nKevin: I am never gonna forget what Danny did to Pam. I forget nothing. I'm like an elephant in that way.\nAndy: You know what else? [pulling fake teeth out of his mouth] The-this... this sucks for Jim. Right? But it also sucks for us. Because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties. [puts teeth back in]\nKevin: Yeah, and everyone else is gonna be there. Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl... Creed's a maybe.\nAndy: [removes teeth] Creed's going?!\nJim: Madge from the warehouse just made her first sale. Madge. We should have been doing this a long time ago.\nMichael: Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone?\nDarryl: [answers phone] Hello?\nMichael: Hi, Darryl, come out here, please.\nDarryl: I'm good.\nMichael: You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar!\nDarryl: This is embarrassing, Michael.\nMichael: Yeah, I bet it is! If you're gonna do your job well here, you gotta get used to being embarrassed.\nDarryl: Let me put my shoes on. [hangs up phone, dial tone]\nPam: [leans over toward Erin] Um, hit the speakerphone button. The speakerphone button? The same button as you hit before... or sit on it.\nMichael: This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbin's. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits.\nAngela: So, what happened?\nMichael: I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea, but you know what? They need to know that it was yours. And I don't care if I take a bullet. We're gonna call them, we're gonna put them on speakerphone right now...\nErin: Oh! [fumbles for phone]\nMichael: And we are going to straighten this out.\nAndy: Screw corporate! They probably stole the idea anyway.\nMichael: Mmhm!\nGabe: Uh uh. Corporate stole nothing, okay? Darryl told me, and then I told them, giving Darryl full credit, so... no need to [mimicking Andy] screw corporate! Or anything like that, so. Let's give Darryl a round of applause, as planned. [claps]\nMichael: I'm a little peeved at Darryl right now.\nDwight: He went to Gabe behind your back.\nMichael: No, he didn't go behind my back. He went over my head.\nDwight: He went over your head to go behind your back.\nMichael: What is taking someone from behind?\nDwight: No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can't have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous.\nMichael: It was a good idea, though.\nDwight: Yeah. Here's another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryl's idea.\nAndy: Hey, Danny.\nDanny: Hey.\nAndy: I'm really sorry, but we can't come to your party tonight.\nDanny: I was looking forward to throwing some darts with you guys.\nAndy: You were?\nKevin: Okay, well then, uh, I mean, maybe we could do it like... next Halloween.\nDanny: For sure.\nAndy: We're just like, totally caught in the middle here.\nDanny: What are you talking about?\nAndy: Well Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go...\nDanny: Jim and Pam really don't want you to go?\nKevin: They're really upset about the whole Danny situation.\nDanny: I'll talk to them.\nKevin: Yeah, but wait, don't tell them that we said anything to you.\nDanny: Okay.\nKevin: Or you're dead.\nDanny: Okay.\nKevin: Okay.\nErin: Kelly! Great costume!\nToby: Oh.\nAngela: KELLY! You cannot change costumes in the middle of the day! Pam, she's out.\nKelly: Um, if I'm out, I'm going to sue this ENTIRE COMPANY for discrimination.\nOscar: Guys? You're arguing over a one in sixteen chance. Over a prize worth... forty bucks.\nKelly: Um, fifteen thousand bucks, Oscar.\nAngela: Yeah, shut it, Oscar. Pam?\nAngela: This is an amazing prize. I mean, I don't even want to give Pam a compliment, because she's so blegh, but she did a good job. I really want that coupon book.\nDwight: Garbage magnet. [throws magnet] Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don't need to tart them up with some design. [to Michael] I can't believe this doesn't make you mad!\nMichael: [staring at Gabe and Kevin] What the hell are they talking about?\nDwight: Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique.\nMichael: Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I don't-[sees Kevin and Gabe fist-bump] Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? That's inappropriate, Kevin. I am your boss, and if you have something to say, it goes through me, and then I take it to Gabe. Chain of command. Do you understand?\nKevin: I am so sorry.\nMichael: Oh, you're sorry?\nKevin: I just thought-\nMichael: What did you just thought?\nKevin: Well, Gabe asked me if there were any really cool Lady Gaga moves that he could do for the catwalk. And so then I tol-[tries not to cry]\nMichael: All right.\nKevin: I told him that there was this one cool move where she powers down like a robot.\nMichael: Okay.\nKevin: Okay? But I- I am so sorry that I didn't tell you first.\nMichael: Well, don't let it happen again.\nKevin: [hysterical] You think that I would let this happen again?! NO WAY JOSE.\nMichael: I-\nKevin: [bleep] you, Gabe!\nGabe: Okay...\nDanny: Can you imagine? It's just crazy.\nJim: That is crazy. We would never care if Andy or Kevin went to your party.\nDanny: Look, I'm just glad we can laugh about it. Because I was a little nervous about coming to work here, with, you know, our history.\nPam: Oh, my gosh! People keep blowing it out of proportion! It's not even a history.\nDanny: Exactly.\nJim: It's not like you guys had some long relationship right? Big painful breakup I don't know about?\nDanny: No! Two or three dates.\nPam: It was two.\nDanny: Was it two? I thought it was three.\nPam: No, we um, we had plans for a third, but then I don't know, you never called me back, so...\nJim: Oooh! You can't handle the truth! [laughs]\nDanny: [laughing] Well, that does not sound like me.\nPam: Yeah? [stops laughing] It was though, that's what happened.\nDanny: [stops laughing] Well, great, I just wanted to make sure that things weren't weird.\nPam: Hmm-mm.\nMichael: Okay, this whole going over my head-gate? Is making people act weird. The chain of command is crumbling. Do you know what just happened? I just made Kevin cry. And Gabe looks like Lady Gaga. That's not Halloween. Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other.\nDarryl: I'm not mad. Are you mad?\nMichael: You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating.\nDarryl: Well, I'm sorry if it seems that way to you.\nMichael: Okay, that might help. If you said 'I'm sorry' in front of everybody.\nDarryl: Mike.\nMichael: In front of me.\nDarryl: You made a bad call. And I fixed it. So I'm not apologizing.\nMichael: So that's it.\nDarryl: That's it.\nMichael: Is it?\nDarryl: Yes.\nAndy: Sookehhh. [removes teeth] Bill Compton, from True Blood.\nStanley: How many freakin' vampires am I supposed to care about these days?\nOscar: I guess you could say I'm still in costume. I'm a rational consumer.\nPhyllis: Oh.\nOscar: Stupid coupon booklet. Have you seen my costume? I'm a rational consumer.\nRyan: Yeah, I uh, heard you say it to Phyllis. That's a good line.\nPam: Okay, everybody! After you walk the runway everyone has to vote for who gets the coupon book. And you can't vote for yourself.\nKevin: Pam. Can you vote for other people?\nMichael: Yeah, I gotta get in on this. [mocking Darryl] Hey, it's cool, man, I work in the warehouse! I'm cool! I'm hip and I'm jive! And I don't care about nobody! Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk!\nMichael: Still don't know who I am? I'll give you a hint. I go over other people's heads.\nPam: Michael, this is a bad idea.\nMichael: What's a bad idea?\nPam: Dressing up as somebody-I mean, when has that ever worked for you?\nMichael: NEVER! [tosses wig] Okay, you know what? Fine. I'm not Darryl. And thank God I'm not Darryl.\nKelly: Could you for once just let us enjoy a party instead of making it about all your issues?\nStanley: [walking down the runway] Raaah! [waves sword]\nOscar: I present to you the [finger quotes] rational consumer, as it were.\nPam: Angela as the nurse!\nAngela: I don't like your tone! Look, they were sold out of all the other costumes, okay? I think we all live in the real world, here. Let's not pretend to be unaware of what sells in this office.\nPhyllis: What should we ask?\nMichael: Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend who backstabs people in the back?\nJim: We have one question to ask the spirit world and you want us to ask that?\nErin: He says no.\nMichael: Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it.\nDarryl: No.\nMichael: Dwight, you saw Darryl move it, right?\nDwight: Let's just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.\nDwight: I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth.\nMichael: If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl what would that word be?\nErin: [hands are being forced to the letters] A... S... S... H... E... T?\nPhyllis: An asset!\nErin: Ah! [lets go, candy corn flies everywhere] That's enough.\nDanny: I don't think it's gonna work out the way you think.\nTodd Packer: I don't think you get it.\nDanny: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nDanny: This is some party, huh?\nJim: When you work hard, you play hard around here. Even if you don't work hard. Oh, here's something. Uh, why didn't you ever call Pam back?\nDanny: Are you serious?\nJim: Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that everyone has to fall in love, or anything, I'm just saying... but you know, to not even call her back is...\nDanny: You know what it was? I think she gave me her number but then her fours look like eights, and...\nJim: Could be. But you also called her the second time so you had the number right.\nTodd Packer: Halpert, you lookin' for someone to bang your wife?\nJim: Nope.\nDanny: Okay. You wanna know? I didn't call her back because she spent the whole date talking about you. She was obviously in love with you.\nRyan: Fifty seven. Fifty eight.\nMeredith: Wait, wait. She hasn't moved in awhile.\nOscar: [reaches over to pull Erin out of apple bobbing water] ERIN!\nErin: Two! I got two. I ate two whole apples.\nPam: I'd remember talking about Jim. That wasn't it.\nJim: Just tell her the real reason.\nDanny: Do you honestly want to know why I didn't call her back on a date over four years ago?\nJim: Hey. She had a nice time. It seems rude.\nPam: I did. And it's just one of those things that's going to keep gnawing at me, like 'gnaw, gnaw, why? Why didn't he? I have no idea why.'\nDanny: Okay. Honestly. I didn't call you back because I-thought you seemed a little... dorky.\nJim: Hey, man.\nPam: Thank you! Thank you. I got it. Now I know. You thought I was a little dorky. You know? [gibberish sounds] Okay. Well, excuuuuse me.\nGabe: In the future, you need to get Michael's approval on anything before coming to me.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDarryl: You're gonna be missing out on some good ideas.\nGabe: Okay, well, obviously if it's a really, really good idea, my door is open.\nMichael: If they're good ideas, I'm not gonna say no!\nDarryl: You said no to this one!\nMichael: That was-okay, you make one mistake in fifteen years and you drag me over the coals, after everything I did for you?\nDarryl: What have you done for me?\nMichael: Oh...\nDarryl: What have you done for me?\nMichael: Well...\nDarryl: Ed Truck hired me. Jo promoted me. Gabe listened to me. All you've ever done is say no to me. I have ambition. And you kept me at the same level for years.\nGabe: Ohh. Dropping bombs, right? [explosion noise] This really make you think, Michael?\nMichael: Stop it! Stop, stop. We're thinking. We're thinking about it.\nGabe: Yeah.\nMichael: You don't have to point to the fact that we're thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay, next time you have a really great idea, we will put it in a hat, and then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat and let her decide.\nDarryl: I don't understand the point of a hat.\nGabe: You're right, we don't need a hat.\nMichael: I am not budging on the hat issue.\nGabe: Okay. We're going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me, I make the final decision, period.\nMichael: Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe.\nGabe: Okay, why don't we simplify this? Darryl brings it to Michael, Michael brings it to me, no one calls Jo.\nMichael: Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo, then we'll give her a call.\nDarryl: Cool. Okay. Sorry I lied.\nMichael: Sorry I was a jerk.\nMichael: Friends fight. Friends fight.\nAndy: What's up, man?\nDarryl: Sometimes it seems like it was better down in the warehouse, you know?\nAndy: When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, the Cornell Daily Sun? This was at Cornell. I had to write an op-ed column every day. Bernard's Regards.\nDarryl: This was your freshman year.\nAndy: I started to ask myself, 'Do I have big plans here?' I didn't want to become editor of that paper, so I got up and walked right out of Walter Bernard hall, and that's actually when I heard eight male voices, singing, unencumbered by instruments. I was hooked. So is becoming CEO of this company your a capella group? Come on, we're going to Danny's bar. Public School.\nDarryl: No. I got some work to do. I do got big plans with this company.\nJim: To be honest, I still can't believe he didn't call her back. Who doesn't call a dork like that back?\nPam: Oh, wow!\nJim: [holding Cece] Spinach in a can. Power eat spinach. [Popeye sound]\nPam: Aww, my hero!\nPam: Okay, everyone, I've tallied the votes, and the winner... of the costume celebration spectacular... and the Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book... Oscar Martinez.\nKelly: If I have to vote for someone, I don't want it to be someone who can beat me.\nRyan: Shake things up. I'm a Nader guy.\nCreed: Best Edward James Olmos costume I've ever seen. Like, freaky good."}
{"text": "Pam: I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat.\nKelly: I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.\nMichael: That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what-\nJim: Stop.\nMichael: [under his breath] Um... kay. Uh, alright.\nPam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.\nErin: Di-Did you say vampire?\nPam: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow]\nDwight: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [looks at camera] 'Cause of the euro.\nPam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick.\nDwight: [rolls his eyes and shakes his head] Uh...\nPam: And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.\nDwight: NO, no, no. They will cost you your life.\nJim: Elaborate.\nDwight: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...\nPam: I'm not - I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.\nDwight: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.\nJim: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.\nDwight: Yes. I would welcome it.\nJim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome.\nDwight: The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.\nAngela: Jim. Pam. [gasps, speaks in baby voice] And the precious bundle of God's gift to everything. [back to her normal voice] I wish you both a pleasant day. [baby voice] And you too. Yes. Praise God. Ok.\nPam: Cece's getting christened today.\nJim: Big day.\nPam: Everyone from work is here. We weren't planning on that.\nJim: Nope.\nMichael: Top of the Sunday morning to you.\nAndy: And a top of the day to you too, sir.\nRyan: Hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses.\nMichael: Oh, yes. [mimicking smoking] Doobie-doobie doo.\nMichael: I invited everyone in the office because it's not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our, all of ours joys.\nAndy: [looking at Cece, under his breath] Ah, man. [looks at Erin talking to Gabe]\nAndy: Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids.\nDwight: [handing out cards] For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.\nToby: Sunday church service... it's been a few years. The Big Guy and I, we got some catching up to do.\nMichael: [in an old man mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.\nPam: Oh, Michael, this is just for family.\nMichael: But I'm the Godfather.\nJim: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather.\nMichael: Are you talking to me?\nJim: [whispers to Pam] Ok, your turn.\nMichael: Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.\nPam: Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather.\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry.\nMichael: [normal voice] I'm not the godfather.\nPam: Okay, thank you.\nMichael: [clears his throat] So who is the godfather?\nPam: Our friend, Seth, and his wife there.\nMichael: Okay. Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten?\nPam: No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They're a great couple. You should meet them later.\nMichael: No, I have plenty of friends, so... all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show.\nPam: Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael.\nMichael: I don't even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.\nChurch congregation: [singing] We ask you, Lord, come to our aid.\nPastor: Good morning.\nAll: Good morning.\nMichael: Good morning.\nPastor: What a terrific day this is, and not just because the Eagles are playing. [laughter, Kevin giggles]\nPastor: You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico.\nRyan: I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes.\nToby: [stands outside church entrance] Okay, this is, all right, this is silly. [goes inside] [walks back out] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope...\nFemale church member: And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery.\nPastor: Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance? [Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time, Dwight stares at him, man sits back down]\nDwight: Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price.\nPastor: Christening calls to repentance, to faithfulness, and to discipleship. We've come to celebrate these babies.\nPam: [looking at Cece's diaper] Somebody needs a change.\nJim: Right now?\nPam: Well, she can't bring this up with her.\nJim: Okay. All right, come on. [picks up Cece from Pam, whispers to her] Where are we going? Where are we going? We're gonna take a little field trip.\nJim: [whispering, going into the bathroom with Cece] Okay. Okay. There's my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What's that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop!\nPam: [seeing Jim come in with Cece wearing an old t-shirt] What?\nJim: What?\nPam: Honey, no.\nJim: Yes.\nPam: No, no.\nJim: This is happening.\nPam: We have an extra outfit in the bag.\nJim: No. There's no extra outfit in the bag.\nPam: You said you checked it.\nJim: I did... say that.\nPastor: At this time, will the families please come join me?\nMichael: Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever.\nPastor: Before we go, I'd like to remind everyone that the 'Halberts' have been kind enough to host a reception next door immediately following the service.\nJim: Mm. No. Wrong on both counts.\nJim: Okay, 'A,' Halbert. And, 'B,' I think a more appropriate statement would be, 'The 'Halberts' are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests.'\nRyan: For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?\nKelly: Try 'Jesus.'\nDwight: Opus dei.\nMale church member: [to Michael] Hi. Good morning.\nMichael: Good morning.\nFemale church member [to Michael]: Good morning.\nMichael: Good morning.\nRyan: Hello.\nDwight: Shh, shh, shh.\nMichael: [walking around and greeting people] How are you? Good morning. Good morning.\nLady: Good morning.\nMichael: I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.\nJim: Hey.\nDoug [church member]: I'm Doug Mcpherson, Davey's uncle.\nJim: Oh, well, Dave is an adorable baby.\nDoug: Davey.\nJim: Yeah. [Doug walks away]\nPam: Wow.\nAngela: Well, this is intimate.\nPam: We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people.\nAngela: You don't know them all?\nPam: Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all.\nAngela: Jesus is not your caterer. [baby voice to Cece] But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? [normal voice] They don't think.\nPam: [to Cece] Hm. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't get to come home to someone as cute as you.\nJim: Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby?\nPam: I don't know. I'm just hungry.\nJim: Okay, well, you know what? Everybody's hungry. [Pam looks at Jim] Sorry. I think I'm just hungry.\nMichael: Oh, after you.\nMale church member: Oh, no, after you.\nMichael: No, I insist. After me.\nMale church member: [laughs] I'm gonna use that one. Have a good lunch.\nMichael: Thank you. You too.\nStanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.\nKevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?\nMichael: You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch.\nKevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes.\nGirl: Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that's leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. [group of young adults cheer and applaud]\nRyan: [whispering] Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts.\nGirl: This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip.\nPhyllis: [chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico?\nStanley: I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are.\nMichael: Shh.\nGirl: Right now, Jessica's children have to walk twelve miles to a school with dirt floors.\nMichael: No.\nGirl: It's gonna be three months of hard work and when we're done, we'll practically be Quimixtanos.\nDwight: Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold.\nMichael: [overhearing Dwight's conversation] Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey.\nDwight: I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.\nMichael: Are you kidding me? Stop it.\nDwight: I'll call you back.\nGirl: My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?\nAndy: What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?\nMichael: Shh.\nGirl: Thank you. Or should I say gracias?\nPam: [sighs] Cece went down.\nWoman: [holding up an empty serving dish] What was this? You're out of it.\nJim: Scones.\nWoman: I didn't get one.\nPam: Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either.\nWoman: Is it just the one jug of apple cider? [Pam shrugs, woman walks away]\nPam: Who the heck was that?\nJim: I think that was sconesy cider, noted baptism reception critic.\nPam: We need more food. I'll go get some subs and sodas.\nJim: All right. And cider.\nMichael: [pointing to group of young adults laughing] Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals.\nStanley: You could feed the hungry. Us.\nOscar: Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time.\nMichael: Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together.\nDarryl: We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this?\nMichael: Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party.\nPhyllis: Church isn't a party, Michael.\nMichael: Well, it's, it's-\nRyan: Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid?\nMichael: No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month.\nJim: Oh, hey, Mee-Maw, would you watch Cece for a second? Don't worry. She's asleep. I'm just gonna track down some more chairs.\nMee-Maw: Fine, fine. I guess I'll watch Suzanne's purse and your baby.\nMichael: [standing in a line saying goodbye to the kids going to Mexico] Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We're proud of you. [starts to walk down through the line and into the bus] Bye. Okay.\nMichael: [on the bus] Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico?\nStudents: Yeah! [cheers, applause]\nMichael: [in reference to the team shirts] I'll take a shirt.\nGuy: Are you coming?\nMichael: If you'll have me, yes.\nGuy: Heck, yes.\nMichael: Really? [cheers, applause] Thank you. All right.\nOscar: [seeing Michael on the bus] Michael. Get off the bus.\nMichael: No, I'm not. I'm staying on the bus. I'm already on the bus. I'm going.\nGabe: Michael, this is irresponsible.\nMichael: It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life.\nDarryl: I agree. I think it's superb.\nGabe: Well, you have a job to do. Okay, there is no off-season when it comes to printer sales.\nMichael: You know what, my job will be here when I get back.\nAndy: Michael, you can't go to Mexico. You don't have your passport.\nGuy: [sticking his head out Michael's window on the bus] You don't need one to get in. Plus, we can just have it sent to him down in Mexico.\nMichael: Hey, right?\nPhyllis: Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?\nMichael: Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them.\nPhyllis: Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?\nMichael: Tell them that I'm in a meeting.\nDwight: Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount?\nMichael: No, you may not.\nDwight: Gah!\nErin: I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave.\nMichael: Thank you.\nAndy: [looking at Erin] Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming!\nAndy: I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick.\nGuy: We're actually building them a school.\nAndy: Whatever. I won't-I won't stand for it.\nMichael: [waving goodbye as the bus drives away] See you in a few months.\nGirl: If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn't have so many problems.\nMichael: Mm. That's not gonna happen.\nAndy: We're one in a million.\nGirl: I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months.\nMichael: Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So...\nAndy: Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals...\nToby: [standing in the church sanctuary, talking to the stained glass] Why you always got to be so mean to me?\nJim: [seeing Cece gone from the couch he left her] Uh, MeeMaw, where's Cece?\nMeeMaw: I don't know. I lost the purse too.\nJim: Okay.\nAndy: Good-bye, Lackawana County.\nMichael: How long till we get to Mexico?\nAndy: Well, two days minus how long we've been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more.\nMichael: Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?\nAndy: I don't know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or...\nMichael: Why aren't they building it themselves?\nAndy: They don't know how.\nMichael: Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how?\nAndy: Well, Carla knows.\nMichael: Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing?\nCarla: Oh, trying to sleep.\nMichael: What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening?\nAndy: Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese?\nMichael: Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday.\nAndy: And the Christmas party.\nMichael: And Cinco de Mayo.\nAndy: Nah, no. We'll be back before that.\nMichael: No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus.\nJim: Hey, guys, has anybody seen the baby?\nPhyllis: Here's her carrier, but no Cece.\nJim's Dad: Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where's the little girl of honor?\nJim: I don't know, dad. I don't know.\nDoug: I don't mean to bug, but do you know when those subs are due into port? I got a hungry bunch of Mcphersons over there.\nJim: I don't know. Hey, have you seen my baby?\nDoug: I think maybe some blonde lady had her.\nJim: A small blonde woman?\nDoug: Smaller than me.\nJim: Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small-[pointing to Angela] Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby!\nAngela: [as Kevin runs to grab her] What are you doing?\nKevin: [reaching into her purse] Give me the baby!\nAngela: What? Kevin!\nHelene: [holding the baby, walks up to Jim] Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby.\nJim: [baby voice] Hi.\nPam: [walks up] Honey.\nJim: [to Cece] Hi. [to everyone] All right. Travel safe, Angela.\nAngela: Did you think I stole your baby?\nJim: What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don't, because I've got my eye on you.\nKevin: [gasping as he looks into Angela's purse] Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby?\nAngela: Someone put them in my bag.\nDoug: [to Pam] So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let's haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly's.\nPam: Did you lose Cece?\nJim: Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did.\nMichael: Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something?\nAndy: I can make myself cry.\nMichael: Do that. Do it.\nAndy: Should I-I got it. I got it. [walks up to the bus driver] Um, hey, I saw a sign for a scenic overlook coming up. Really love to check out the view.\nBus driver: Can't stop. We're on a schedule.\nAndy: Well, uh, there's a nice bistro coming up. We could pick up some Paninis for the road.\nBus driver: Maybe we'll stop in Tennesseee. It's not safe to talk to a driver.\nMichael: [having walked up to the front] Okay, driver, driver, if you're not gonna stop this bus, then I'm going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. [pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound]\nBus driver: Stopping in Tennessee.\nGuy: Hey, is there a problem, you guys?\nMichael: Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please.\nGuy: Why?\nAndy: Just make him stop the freaking bus!\nMichael: Stop the bus, okay?\nCarla: Are you okay, sir?\nMichael: I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take.\nGirl: You have plenty left to give. You're doing-\nMichael: Blah-di-blah!\nAndy: It doesn't matter.\nMichael: We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything.\nAndy: If we went to Mexico, we'd probably screw everything up anyway.\nMichael: Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay?\nAndy: Stop the bus!\nMichael and Andy: [shouting and clapping] Stop the bus! Stop the bus!\nGuy: Okay, stop the dang bus.\nMichael: [bus stopping] Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you.\nAnother guy: [getting off the bus] Wait for me! [bus drives away] Don't say anything to my parents.\nErin: [driving up to pick up Michael, Andy, and kid off the road] Get in quick.\nMichael: Why quick?\nErin: So it's faster.\nErin: Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?\nMichael: Is anyone still at the church?\nErin: No, actually most of them went to go see a movie.\nMichael: What? Shut up.\nErin: Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan.\nMichael: It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.\nErin: I bet. You guys.\nGuy: Can I come? [silence]\nErin: Oh, Lake Wobblegone's on. Do you guys-are you cool with that?\nRadio: ... banana bread, but Fred Nordquist had no appetite. He was thinking about his pair of new boots. It'd been ten years after all. As he told Mrs. Nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots.'"}
{"text": "Erin: [to Gabe] They caught the Scranton Stranger, they trapped him in his house. [run to conference room, everyone is watching the news on a monitor]\nReporter: Police have now surrounded the apartment complex.\nMichael: [whispering to Pam] They have him surrounded. It's the SWAT. The SWAT's arriving.\nReporter: It is unknown if he is armed with anything.\nKevin: They should do that thing where they play the really good music to get him to come out.\nDwight: [sighs] They shouldn't televise any of this, it just encourages copy-cats.\nAngela: Just say copies, why do you have to drag cats into this.\nGabe: Okay, while this is interesting we should get back to work. These stand-offs can last a long time. What if it's another Waco.\nErin: It's pronounced wacko.\nJim: Some events are so news worthy, so historic, that you have to stop everything to watch. Balloon Boy, Michael Jackson's funeral. Things that if you didn't see them live, you wouldn't really care that you didn't see them at all.\nKelly: Columbia Street in Washington Ave! When is he gonna come out? [phone rings, Kelly answers and hangs up]\nAndy: I bet he's wishing he had a hybrid, right? Sixty miles to the gallon in the city.\nKevin: No! I bet he's wishing he was strangling someone!\nMichael: Ok, that's our street! That's our street! He's going down our street! [runs out of conference room.] Come on everybody! [all quickly follow]\nMichael: [on sidewalk] There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it! [all groan]\nMichael: [collecting pebbles off the street into a jar] Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? [old man voice] Well kiddo, I was there. I was there... And I'll tell you what. [shakes jar of pebbles] You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.\nErin: Michael!\nMichael: Walk with me.\nErin: Gabe and I are having a party, and everyone's invited, and it's at his house apartment and we're gonna watch Glee.\nMichael: [obviously faking being serious the whole time] Glee? What is Glee, some television program? Jim I need that thing stat!\nJim: [confused] Okay?\nErin: Yeah it's a TV show...\nMichael: Dwight! Sign please. I don't have time for parties I don't have time for TV shows. Stanley! What time is that thing I have to do?\nStanley: I...\nMichael: Cancel it! Are you still here? [to Erin]\nErin: Uhh. It's just that it's our first party together so...\nMichael: MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? I'm a very busy man. I don't have time for your TV show.\nErin: [sad] Okay, sorry.\nMichael: I'm joking.\nErin: Wait which one?\nMichael: I'm joking. I'm kidding around! I'm not actually angry. [Erin laughs] I'm not busy at all, I'm not doing anything. And I know what Glee is, I'm a total Gleek.\nErin: Good me too!\nMichael: You know who my favorite character is? The invalid. [Jim makes a face] I am coming to your party.\nErin: I don't know if Michael likes Gabe that much, but there's this thing on Glee called mash-up, where two things that don't go together, make one great song. Take Gabe, take Michael, you make Gay Mike. Best friends.\nKelly: [reacting to Erin's invitation] No really? Is there time to change this?! That show! Now first they say that Mr. Schu doesn't know anything about choreography, then like three episodes later he's this fantastic choreographer?! Pick a lane people!\nKelly: And what was with Jesse's sudden turn on Rachel, between Dream-On and Funk. Where the heck did that come from?! Honestly that show, it's just. It's irresponsible.\nAngela: Are you going? [to Dwight]\nDwight: Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now that's a show I'd watch.\nAngela: I would watch that.\nDwight: Tonight might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse.\nAndy: [to Erin] You're having a party at Gabe's apartment?\nErin: Mhmm! I'd love it if you were there.\nAndy: You would?\nErin: You and Michael are always the life of the party!\nAndy: Try and keep me from coming!\nErin: Why would I keep you from coming?\nAndy: Try and hide it, I will track this party down!\nErin: Why would I hide it! [giggling]\nMichael: Kevin!\nKevin: Hey, you going tonight?\nMichael: Yes, I am. Are you?\nKevin: Yeah! You gotta go to the boss's party!\nMichael: What? No Gabe is... Gabe is not the boss.\nKevin: No he's not the boss.\nMichael: Why did you just say he was the boss?\nKevin: Cause, you're the boss!\nMichael: Yeeee... Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss?\nErin: [to Michael at Gabe's apartment] It's make your own pizza night. Isn't Gabe's place so nice?\nMichael: Uh huh...\nErin: Look at the size of those wine glasses Michael!\nMichael: Big...\nErin: Those posters used to be real French ads.\nMichael: All right!\nGabe: So these are your cheeses, your ham, your sausages, your herbs, and your vegetables. Here's what's been done, so start creating. Some times it helps to think of a part of the world, and...\nMichael: [interrupting] Okay okay okay.\nMichael: Gabe likes to entertain a lot, ad he cooks in an oven, and all that jazz. I just have a different life style. They have these bags of vegetables that steam right inside their own bag. So I'll get a few ingredients, sit down in front of the TV, a bag of vegetables, before you know it I'm ready for bed!\nMichael: [tossing pizza dough in the air]\nGabe: You don't really toss the dough.\nMichael: Try and destroy the old ways, Gabe, well I will not let you. [throws pizza dough, hits the ceiling]\nGabe: [walking with Jim and Pam] Welcome to my Man Cave! I did my senior year in prog in Japan. Best year of my life.\nJim: You play? [referring to keyboard]\nGabe: Oh! I like to play soundscapes. I imagine one instant of a song, expanded to be the size of the universe.\nJim: You can't even do that.\nCece: [crying]\nPam: She's up! Great!\nPam: Cece, is reverse cycling, which means she sleeps all day and is up all night. Which basically means I'm up all day and I'm up all night. And if it doesn't stop soon, I am going to be up all night.\nErin: [peeking into various rooms] The show's starting. The show's starting! The show's starting! Show's starting! [Glee begins as all get nearby to watch]\nPhyllis: [to Kelly] Who's that?\nKelly: Finn.\nPhyllis: Who's that?\nKelly: Rachel.\nPhyllis: Which one's Glee?\nKelly: You have to stop.\nMichael: Where's Michael? Where's Michael? We can't start without Michael! Oh here he is! Ohhhh. Yayyy, and let the show begin! [turning up volume]\nGabe: [takes remote] It's a little loud...\nMichael: Actually I think it's not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah! [takes remote, raises volume] There we go. Glee right? Rock and roll! Turn it up to elevaan! Spinal Cord!\nGabe: [lowers volum] Some of us are trying to have a conversation.\nMichael: Well some of us are trying to have a...\nGabe: I'll just turn the captions on.\nMichael: [grabs different remote from the table] Well I will turn up the volume.\nGabe: That's for the other box.\nMichael: Okay... Heeeere's what we're gonna do! Right down the hall is a bed room. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom, follow me! Where we can crank it!\nOscar: [noise on TV, Oscar pauses show] That one! She's been in a couple episodes of Friday Night...\nKelly: You know what? I'm so confused. Is this a Glee watching party? Or a Glee pausing party? 'Cause we keep stopping it, to get a history lesson from...\nOscar: You know what? I didn't read the rules, I didn't know the rules. There, it's on. I didn't read the rule book.\nPam: [enters on Michael alone sitting on a bed watching Glee] Michael? Maybe you should try gong in the other room again. You can have my seat. It's closer to the TV. It'll seem louder.\nMichael: Pam I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. If I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe I want you to take that gun, and I want you to shoot me like a hundred times in the groin until I'm dead. Okay?\nPam: You have a gun in your desk?\nRyan: [in Gabe's bedroom with Andy] Hey! Marantz Tubes Sterio. From the 1970's. I respect that. I respect that a lot. Oh hoho. The five Chinese Berilidy Herbs. No kidding. This is powdered seahorse. They say that fifteen Chinese soldiers fought off the entire army of Gangus Kong just using this stuff. You know what they say...\nAndy: No what?\nRyan: What is this, Samurai wood cuts? Yep. Pretty erotic.\nAndy: Yeah.\nMichael: [Pam in the background struggling with Cece] Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss. David got fired. Charles got fired. Jan went crazy. Ed Truck, who I liked, got decapitated.\nDwight: Michael, I find it absolutely disgraceful that no one followed you in here for your walk-out. I took the liberty of making a list of everyone who didn't follow you in here. Jim. Oscar. Creed. Me, at first.\nPam: Maybe I should go.\nDwight: [continuing] Kelly. Kev- [to Pam] Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to? [Dwight grabs Cece and makes noises, Cece stops crying] In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.\nDaryl: [to Andy] Take a shot.\nAndy: Oh thanks.\nDaryl: Wow, so much Asia stuff. I wonder if there's a guy in China right now, looking at a bunch of our stuff.\nAndy: Why does Erin like Gabe?\nDaryl: Andy look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters... I'd choose you.\nAndy: That's really nice, thank you.\nDaryl: And I'd blow your mind.\nAndy: [pours powdered seahorse into his wine glass]\nJim: [changes channel during commercial, sports scores appear on screen.]\nOscar: Jim what are you doing?\nJim: Oh, it was commercial break so I just wanted to check the scores.\nOscar: Flip it back please.\nJim: Okay... [changes back to Glee]\nKelly: The show's back on, what happened?\nRyan: We're behind.\nOscar: Go to the recorded version.\nKelly: Oh my God what song was that?\nErin: I wasn't recording it.\nOscar: What?!\nKelly: [texting] What song was it?\nErin: Wait, why do you have to record it?\nOscar: This is why Erin! We're living it! Start recording now!\nErin: Jim. [Jim gives her the remote]\nKelly: Okay, they did Blinded by the Light and they did it with an actual blind guy. Was it worth it Jim? [Jim leaves] 'Cause we missed it!\nPam: If I could get her sleeping normally I could get my life back.\nDwight: That would be nice wouldn't it?\nPam: I can't even talk about it.\nDwight: You know it's not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suit, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do rally, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suit in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours.\nPam: I kind of doubt Gabe has suit.\nDwight: Really? Oh... Then here we are.\nErin: Michael. Gabe is making the pigs in a blanket, and he kind of needs some [Dwight shushes her] help so, [Erin whispering] he was wondering if you could help him. [Michael goes with Erin]\nAndy: [enters room where Phyllis is pouring wine, using stadium announcer voice] Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Phyllis Vance! [sniffs her] Isn't that White Diamonds Maya Smith Taylor?\nPhyllis: You know your perfumes!\nAndy: My nanny used to wear that.\nAndy: I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work, but it is totally working! [clip of him doing pull ups in Gabe's doorway] I feel exactly like a seahorse! [Seahorse impression] Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub.\nErin: Look who I found! [points to Michael]\nMichael: Yeah, well I wasn't very hard to find.\nGabe: Let's go ahead and wash our hands.\nMichael: Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust?\nGabe: Yep! Waste not right?\nMichael: So these are pizza dogs, they aren't pigs in a blanket per se.\nErin: Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks,\nMichael: Well...\nErin: Gabe was born in 1982. He was the longest baby in the hospital.\nMichael: He's the longest baby in this room.\nErin: What's the longest thing you've ever seen? [Michael chuckles] For me it was the tale from Jets.\nGabe: Erin you don't have to...\nMichael: You know what Erin you do have to.\nGabe: Michael! You are making this harder than it has to be.\nMichael: [grimacing] That's what she said. [leaves]\nJim: [whispering] Hey.\nPam: It's a miracle. She loves him.\nJim: I don't know about, love...\nDwight: She loves me.\nAngela: [whispers in Dwight's ear] Outside my car in two minutes.\nDwight: Well something's come up, I have to go.\nPam: No no no no no! She'll wake up!\nDwight: I have something to do.\nPam: Look, I know what you have to do, please stay with Cece. Dwight? I've always considered for us to be very good friends. Great friends! Remember your concussion?\nDwight: I do. But you married my worst enemy.\nJim: Well I think enemy's a strong word. 'Cause I think we have a really charming back and forth. And-\nDwight: Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.\nPam: Absolutely! [starts out]\nDwight: From Jim.\nJim: I don't think that's gonna...\nPam: Do it!\nJim: What kind of pizza would you like?\nDwight: Surprise me. No! Pepperoni.\nMichael: [outside opening Gabe's cable hookup box] Okay... Alright.\nTV: And the winner is, by two votes- [TV goes blank]\nKelly: Ahhh! What's going on?!?!\nAndy: [muttering going on all around, Andy looks sick] Hey Creed, would you read Chinese?\nCreed: Beleniege!\nAndy: What does this say?\nCreed: HI mahhhh. Boo yowww. Gunjo! Ooh uncow!\nAndy: [confused, rushes out of the room to the room Erin's in, picks up phone, talking fast] Hello UPS! Still waiting on that five minutes with Erin order. Oh never mind it's here. Oh if it isn't the bell of the ball! [queasily] You throw a lovely party ma lady...\nErin: [concerned] Are you having a good time?\nAndy: Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose?\nErin: Andy you look awful!\nAndy: You're four seasons in a day. [heaves] You... got the Autumn thing going on. But if you put on ba- [heaves again] Put if you put on a blue... [stops, is struggling] It's Spring Time in the Rockies!\nErin: Are you alright?\nAndy: No! [runs off]\nDwight: [referring to the pizza Jim is offering him] Insert it in my mouth.\nJim: That's not gonna make your pizza eating experience any better. Trust me.\nDwight: No, try me.\nPam: Jim, just don't think of it as degrading. Think of it as, you happen to be moving the six inches his way and he happens to be biting it.\nDwight: I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading.\nJim: Okay... [puts pizza into Dwight's mouth]\nDwight: No. Crust first. [Jim turns the pizza around] Okay, now the beer. [Jim shakes his head no] Beer me Jim. [Jim quickly puts the beer into his face] Ssss. Gentle. [drinks the beer] Now I've gotta go meet Angela.\nPam: What no, wait! You said you were gonna help us!\nDwight: I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay, she needs to be serviced.\nJim: You need to stop talking.\nDwight: Oh come on, stop the fake prissy act. We're in the real world. Sex contracts exist!\nPam: Okay fine! There must be some way to get out of it. Even just for tonight!\nDwight: Yeah sure, Jim could go see her.\nJim: [unbelievingly] Okay...\nDwight: You ever been with the blondes before? It's the big leagues.\nJim: I'm going home, and I'm taking my baby with me.\nPam: No no no, don't. I will go talk to Angela.\nDwight: She's in heat. She will eat your face off!\nPam: The reverse cycling ends tonight! [Pam leaves]\nDwight: [to Jim] A single piece of pepperoni please.\nJim: I'm not gonna- [cuts himself off, Kevin walks in]\nDwight: What are you doing?\nKevin: [getting under the bed covers] I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket!\nAndy: [throws up on bed] Puts pillow in front of the puke.\nPhyllis: Are you alright?\nAndy: Erin likes Gabe.\nPhyllis: I know. I thought you two were nice together.\nAndy: Do you think that they've ever...\nPhyllis: Made love? I don't know.\nAndy: Well girls tell each other things right?\nPhyllis: I'll see what I can find out.\nDaryl: [Michael walks into disarray of people's reactions to the TV going out] Where you been?\nMichael: I just went out for a walk.\nDaryl: Cable's out.\nMichael: What? Really? That stinks!\nGabe: It's still on upstairs.\nMichael: What does that mean? Party's over? Everybody leaves? Are you sure?\nCreed: [receiving message on his phone] Hey! Puck and Finn worked it out, and the solo is now a duet.\nMichael: Are you kidding me?\nCreed: No.\nMichael: Now that's going on?\nKevin: I can't believe we're missing that!\nMichael: Boy I wish I could see that. You know what? I have an idea. I don't know if it's gonna work, but let me give it this. Okay, I'm gonna give it shot. [hurries out]\nKevin: Please Michael, just make the Glee happen!\nKelly: Good luck Michael!\nPhyllis: Erin! Uhm, so how long have you two been going out now?\nErin: Oh, uhm, like three months.\nPhyllis: And I imagine things are starting to heat up?\nErin: I don't know.\nPhyllis: Of course you don't wanna rush things! I mean the anticipation can be so exquisite. Bob and I took our time. The first time we saw each other naked we didn't even make love, we just stared at each other until we fell asleep. It was magical.\nErin: [awkwardly] I have to go Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Magical...\nPam: [knocking on Angela's car window, Angela is naked inside] Hey in there. It's Pam. It's not Dwight! Don't think it's Dwight!\nAngela: What are you doing here?\nPam: I know you and Dwight have this weird deal, uhm, he sent me out here to see if you could postpone.\nAngela: Are you authorized to do this?\nPam: Yes! I have been so authorized.\nAngela: Ok, uhm, then tell him that we'll do this tomorrow night instead.\nPam: Okay.\nAngela: Wait Pam! How did he seem? Like, you know, did he seem disappointed?\nPam: You know, there are a lot of guys out there who would just love and appreciate a-\nAngela: You know what Pam just save it.\nErin: [Michael is outside fixing the cable box] You did this?\nMichael: No I was just check- Yeah. Yes I did, yeah yeah.\nErin: Why don't you like him?\nMichael: What is there to like? He's just, he's a weird little skeevy guy with no waist, why do you care whether we like him or not?\nErin: I care if\nMichael: Why? I'm not your father. [Erin looks sad] All right.\nErin: Okay...\nMichael: Go to your room.\nErin: What? [confused]\nMichael: Go to your room young lady!\nErin: [slowly getting it] Uhm, I'm not going to my room.\nMichael: You listen to me. You listen good. You are are\nErin: You listen to me. You are\nMichael: As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say.\nErin: I hate your roof!\nMichael: Oh do not raise your voice to me!\nErin: I'll raise it how I want! I'll raise the roof!\nMichael: Gahh, I will pull this car over!\nErin: I hate it! I hate your car!\nGabe: See ya Oscar! [Oscar leaves]\nMichael: [enters, looks to Gabe] If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart I will literally kill you and your entire family.\nMichael: Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin. But not too much fun! That girl's gonna turn my hair gray.\nGabe: [Andy is leaning over toilet] What happened?\nAndy: I accidentally ate some seahorses.\nGabe: How much?\nAndy: I didn't know it's powdered, so like four or five, I don't know.\nGabe: I've got just the thing! [leaves, comes back with a synthesizer] This one's called Earth Rise, on the Moon. [music plays]\nAndy: That's so beautiful."}
{"text": "Dwight: [lights and power go off] Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. [Turns On Flashlight and holds it to his face] Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.\nMichael: [as the power and lights come back on] My Bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet.\nJim: Uh, it's saying the server went down? Does Anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise we can't do any work.\nMichael: Uh... try 'password'.\nJim: Nope.\nDwight: Try zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, zero.\nJim: No.\nDwight: Okay, now try Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, one.\nJim: Okay, I'm not doing every number.\nPam: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?\nMichael: Uh... it was like eight years ago?\nPam: Lord of the Ring stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time.\nErin: Um, everyone was getting their driver's license.\nJim: Why don't we just call the I.T. Guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in Glasses, again?\nMichael: Okay, moving backwards, our I.T. Guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.\nAndy: I got it, try, um-[Coughs]\nMichael: You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it, but Pam got really offended.\nKevin: Big Boobs.\nMeridith: Drama Queen?\nAngela: Nosy?\nPam: You're typing 'Big Boobs'?\nJim: I'm trying everything.\nDwight: Try 'Big Boobs' with a 'Z'.\nJim: That's- [ding] the password. We're in.\nDwight: All Right\nKevin: Wow.\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: The important thing is... this kept us secure people.\nMichael: Morning.\nRyan: How's It Going?\nRyan: Hey, I'm WUPHF.\nMichael: [wearing Ryan's glasses] I'm Facebook.\nRyan: What's up Facebook?\nMichael: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back.\nRyan: You should've sent me a WUPHF.\nMichael: A what?\nRyan: [pulls out Blackberry] When you send a WUPHF, it goes to your home phone, Email, Facebook, Twitter and homescreen. All at the same time. [phone rings, computer chimes, printer starts up]\nRobotic Voice: WUPHF.\nRyan and Michael: WUPHF!\nMichael: Dot com!\nRyan: [getting copies from the color copier behind the receptionist desk] Thanks Erin.\nErin: Sure.\nErin: Pam.\nPam: Mm-Hmm?\nErin: I don't wanna be a lousy snitch.\nPam: Okay.\nErin: Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot, and as Office Administrator-\nPam: Oh, it's okay.\nErin: But it's not for-\nPam: Let it go.\nPam: Yes, I invested in WUPHF. It's actually a great idea and I can't believe it didn't exist before. And I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim. I've done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set.\nMichael: I think an investor's ski trip is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience.\nRyan: I love it.\nMichael: I was looking at a trail map, and I was thinking that we should start on a bunny hill, because I've never actually been skiing. And then work our way up to death drop.\nRyan: Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company.\nMichael: Your kidding?!\nRyan: We could sell, but why think so small? We can just get a couple more people involved, really do this thing our way.\nMichael: You and me.\nRyan: New Investors are key, though. That's actually why I came in today.\nMichael: Don't you work here full-time?\nRyan: [chuckles] Today, I was thinking I would sit down with a few of the people who haven't invested yet.\nMichael: Mm-Hmm.\nRyan: Or we could do that together, if that sounds fun to you.\nMichael: That does sound fun to me.\nRyan: Awesome.\nDwight: [out in the parking lot with a guy unloading hay bales while Dwight sifts through the hay] Ah, this is good hay. Yeah. This is the good stuff, mattress quality.\nDwight: Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it 'Hay Place'. Eldred Called it 'Hay World'. Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on! [guy comes and sticks a Bale of Hay right behing Dwight and knocks it into Dwight] Watch it, watch it.\nDwight: Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.\nGuy: Don't forget to make a broom.\nDwight: Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!\nAngela: Hey, I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay.\nDwight: Roll in the hay, five dollars.\nAngela: No, I meant... [motions you and me]\nDwight: Oh, our contract.\nAngela: Mm-Hmm.\nDwight: Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot. [looks at his watch] Uh... I've got a half an hour during lunch in-between the historical reenactment of the dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil.\nAngela: Perfect!\nDwight: So, uh... [notices a kid walking on a bale of hay] Excuse me, get off of there! Those are show bales, not play bales.\nJim: [on phone] All right, Thank you, I will-I will send the contracts over right away. All Right. [hangs up the phone and rubs his eyes] Whoo! [Erin jumps in the background]\nJim: I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest-if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything. [laughs]\nKevin: Commission comes out to... dunh-duh-na-dah! Zero.\nJim: Mm-Kay, Well, it can't be zero, Kev.\nKevin: I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said, 'dunh-duh-na-dah!' I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.\nAngela: You met your commission cap last week. So from here until the end of the fiscal year, your commission will be zero.\nJim: What are you talking about? We-we have a commission cap?\nAngela: It's a new corporate policy.\nKevin: Dunh-duh-na-dah!\nGabe: Is this job really about the money for you, Jim? I mean, isn't this where you fell in love?\nJim: A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell. So you realize I now have no reason to work, right?\nGabe: When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room. Okay, seeing these old guys walking around naked feels almost passive-aggressive. But I deal with it. 'Cause it's policy. See what I mean?\nJim: Nope.\nGabe: Nudity makes me uncomfortable.\nJim: Okay.\nGabe: My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it, and I just-[put's his hands cupped by his face and turns away] keep a low-you know, I look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.\nMichael: Excuse me, everyone... SEX! Now that I have your attention...\nStanley: You don't have our attention.\nMichael: MONEY!\nStanley: I'm listening.\nKevin: You had me at 'Sex.'\nMichael: Pervert.\nPhyllis: You have all of our attention just by screaming anything.\nMichael: That's good to know. [screams]\nPam: What do you want to say, Michael?\nMichael: Wuphf! All right, I've warmed them up for you. You have the floor, Ryan.\nRyan: How's everybody doing?!\nMichael: Whoo!\nRyan: Good! Now, a lot of you have already staked out your corner of the WUPHF empire. Raise your hand if I'm describing you. [Michael, Pam, Daryl, and Stanley raise their hands]\nStanley: Yes, I have a dream. And It's not some M.L.K. Dream for Equality. I want to own a decommissioned Lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and it'll launch that lighthouse into space.\nRyan: For my current investors, things are going great.\nMichael: We already have a buyer.\nPam: Really?! Who?!\nRyan: Washington University. I don't even want to think about selling until our numbers get into the billions.\nMichael: At least.\nRyan: So I've decided to open up a second round of investment to friends and family.\nPhyliss: Oh, God. Hold on to your wallets, ladies.\nOscar: Did you ever think of WUPHF as an emergency notification system, like, for college campuses with shooters or gas leaks?\nRyan: No, no-Oscar, it's not-it's not a digital rape whistle. WUPHF is about fun.\nMichael: That's right!\nRyan: Fun, communication, connection.\nOscar: What's your money situation?\nRyan: Well, it's tight, as with any start-up.\nOscar: Sure, how long can you sustain this without a cash infusion?\nRyan: We have nine solid days. I love these questions. Keep 'em coming.\nAndy: I'm sorry, nine days until what?\nOscar: Bankruptcy?\nMichael: Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend?\nOscar: How long do you think a week is?\nMichael: No, not this weekend; next weekend. We were gonna go on the investors ski trip. I bought poles.\nJim: Well, since I have no incentive to sell, I've cleaned my car, organized my desk, and taken a multivitamin. So... what now?\nJim: Pam. Okay, now I've tried everything.\nPam: Did you prank Dwight?\nJim: No.\nPam: Well, you like that.\nJim: Yeah, it's not as fun if I'm not blowing off work.\nPam: I love you, but I'm kinda busy. So I need you to figure this one out on your own.\nJim: [blows a raspberry, Erin looks shocked, Kevin chuckles]\nPam: Oscar said WUPHF only has enough money for nine days.\nRyan: [colorful poster with numbers] Check this out.\nErin: All that color.\nMichael: Look at that. Triple your investment by January.\nAndy: Anyone can just throw numbes up on a chart. What are you doing to make it happen?\nRyan: Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend.\nMichael: There you go.\nAndy: You have his email?\nRyan: A lot of these guys are just Mac.com, @ their website, whatever. We get that guy WUPHFing, it's all over.\nStanley: I want my money back.\nMichael: Do not talk like that, Stanley.\nPam: Ryan, just tell us your plan.\nRyan: Okay, all right. I know what you wanna see. I'll be right back.\nDwight: [hits the back of a Dunder-Mifflin Delivery Truck with his hand] Hey kids, was that fun?\nKids: Yeah!\nDwight: All Right!\nKid: I wanna go on it again.\nDwight: Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks. [kid gives him three more bucks]\nDwight: Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing... and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose.\nAngela: [waiting for Dwight at their meeting place, slams the door shut]\nAngela: Where have you been?! I've been waiting.\nDwight: Uh, can we move this to the end of the day?\nAngela: No, I-I think you should make time for it.\nLittle Girl: I found the needle in the haystack!\nDwight: Hey, congratulations! Do you know what your prize is?\nLittle Girl: I don't know!\nDwight: Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.\nAngela: Dwight?\nRyan: WUPHF T-Shirts. Who wants one? Just imagine that you're at spring break, Daytona Beach.\nMichael: Here we go.\nRyan: Everyone's like, 'Hey Dude, whats up with all the hotties in the WUPHF shirts?' Or, Uh, 'Hey, what's up with that helicopter? It's Ry from WUPHF!'\nMichael: It's Ryan the WUPHF guy!'\nRyan: Yo, Ry from WUPHF!'\nMichael: He's up there.'\nRyan: What's he dropping?! Wow, what's falling on us, man?!' WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky!\nMichael: Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!\nDaryl: Look, this is a marketing campgain. You got nine days. Let's say you do get the money. What are you going to do with it?\nRyan: The first lesson of Silicon Valley, actually, is that you only think about the user, the experience. You actually don't think about the money. Ever.\nAndy: That sounds weird.\nMichael: No, it's not weird, Andy, and you know what else? We have an offer from Washington University. So monetize that.\nKelly: [walks in] Are you guys meeting about WUPHF? You know that that was my idea, right?\nKelly: I said to Ryan, 'I try to call you, and you don't have your phone. I try to I.M. You, and you're not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, 'Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!''\nRyan: Baby, Baby, Baby-\nKelly: I think I'm gonna stay here.\nRyan: No, no, no, no, no.\nKelly: I do, I do. This isn't right.\nRyan: I help you with your things and you help me with my things.\nKelly: But I-it's not right.\nRyan: [whispering] I got this, it's okay. Don't worry about this.\nDaryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?\nRyan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.\nDaryl: W.U.P.H.F.\nPam: Oh, God!\nDaryl: They only want it for the initials.\nRyan: The domain name. Yeah, they do.\nPam: I move we sell!\nMicheal: What?\nDaryl: Yeah, sell!\nAndy: Yeah, sell.\nPam: Sell.\nStanley: Get us out of this!\nRyan: Have some faith in this idea!\nDaryl: If everybody wants to sell, we sell, right?\nMichael: I won't sell. And you know what? Ryan and I have the majority of shares. Isn't that right?\nRyan: Yes. You alone do, actually.\nMichael: I-yes. We're not selling. I will not sell.\nKevin: [runs to and inside the Hay Place maze] Awesome!\nMan: Do you mind if we share this bale?\nAngela: Sure.\nMan: There's no charge to sit on the hay, is there?\nAngela: Probably.\nMan: I mean, wouldn't you think the ten dollars to build your own broom would include the hay and not just the instructions?\nAngela: Mm-Hmm.\nMan: I mean, I'm starting to think this guy is just trying to make money off the holiday.\nAngela: Yeah, instead of Hay Place, it should be pay place. [man laughs] Don't laugh at me.\nMan: No, no, no, I wasn't-I was just laughing at your joke.\nAngela: Oh.\nMan: Pay Place.\nAngela: Mm. Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-Me-Your-Money Day. [both laugh]\nMan: That's humorous.\nAngela: Thank You.\nKevin: [stuck in the maze, says to some kids running around in the maze] You guys know how to get out? [kids run away screaming]\nPam: Hi, Michael.\nMichael: Can't talk, saving the planet.\nPam: Oh, we don't recycle.\nMichael: We Don't? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?\nPam: I'm sure no one asked you to do that.\nMichael: [throws the sack of garbage onto the floor] Eight Years.\nPam: Listen, I know you really like Ryan-\nMichael: No, I won't even consider it.\nPam: Michael, I... [sits down] I hate to say this, but... you know this special bond that you've always felt with Ryan, where, like, you're best friends or you're his mentor or something?\nMichael: Right, Yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor.\nPam: Michael, I think that feeling only goes one way. And I think that Ryan knows that, and he's taking advantage of you.\nMichael: I think you are wrong.\nPam: And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about.\nMichael: You may be right. I may be crazy.\nPam: Don't.\nMichael: I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point.\nPam: Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing.\nMichael: I thought it might make me feel better.\nPam: Okay. Go Ahead.\nMichael: [singing] But it just may be a lunatic... [stops singing] No.\nJim: [hovering over Meredith's desk] Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.\nMeridith: Hey, back off. It's Solitare.\nCreed: Hey, kid-hear you're looking for work.\nJim: Talk to me.\nCreed: How far can you reach those Lovely long arms of yours? [Jim reaching his arms out as far as he can go] Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours? [Jim inhales] Good.\nGabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?\nCreed: We're working. [Jim still holding his breath]\nGabe: Can you at least\nJim: [listening to and editing Jo's book on tape]\nJo: The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled her aside and said, 'You're Too Fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.' The next time I saw David Geffen was at the buffalo club. 'I love you, you Gay Bastard,' I said. 'You Gay Bastard,' I s-. 'Gay Ba-' 'Gay B-''\nRyan: Michael, how's it going, bro?\nMichael: Good, good, bro.\nRyan: Hey, thanks so much for having my back out there.\nMichael: Always have your back. So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?\nRyan: I have nothing but ideas. The thing is, they all require money.\nMichael: Nine days, though. That's, like...\nRyan: Look, I know I've tapped you so hard.\nMichael: Yes, you have tapped this. Hard.\nRyan: [laughs] Oh, you are funny, Michael. You-people, people don't give you enough credit.\nMichael: Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.\nRyan: Well, a lot of people are doing that. And there don't seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower.\nMichael: So you would think that's a good idea for me to do?\nRyan: Think about this. You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot-\nMichael: Mm-Hmm.\nRyan: Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef.\nMichael: Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so...\nRyan: We totally should.\nMichael: Tonight?\nRyan: I gotta work on this.\nMichael: Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check.\nRyan: Yeah. [Michael closes the door]\nDwight: And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's hay king. All in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for... Mixed Bread. [crowd applauds] And let's hear it for... Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... [all three contestants begging for Dwight to pick them] Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King! [drowd leaves disgusted, as Dwight's worker claps]\nDwight: Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.\nMan: So, if I were to call Dunder Mifflin and ask for Miss Angela Martin, would I get through to you?\nAngela: You would. And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife, would I get through to you?\nMan: My wife passed away a few years ago.\nAngela: How tragic. Very sorry to hear that.\nMan: Thank You.\nKevin: [still stuck in maze] Help! Hello?! Oh! Help![runs around the maze]\nDaryl: [opens the door the Ryan's office, grabs him by the shirt, pulls him out of his chair] Consider it a WUPHF in person. [shoves Ryan down to a chair]\nAndy: Your doing the wrong thing. You're gonna lose Michael's investment. You're gonna lose ours.\nDaryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back. Tell Mike To Sell.\nAndy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.\nRyan: I'm betting on myself.\nStanley: It's a bad bet.\nMichael: Hello.\nRyan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they're wrong?\nDaryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, We don't believe in you.\nAndy: All those in favor of selling, say aye. [all say 'aye']\nMichael: I. Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay.\nDaryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in High School?\nStanley: Michael, are you that blind?\nMichael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. [all seem to be in agreenment] And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high. And he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.\nAndy: You're gonna lose all of our money.\nMichael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.\nRyan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I-I'm gonna need some more time.\nMichael: You can't have it.\nRyan: Okay. I won't let you down. [Ryan goes back into his office and shuts the door]\nDwight: Angela? [slides open the door] Angela! [see's a note on the door, reads it, and then crumples it up]\nMichael: The world sends people your way... Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. [camera pans to different people in the office] Jim, that guy is an ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my queen. That's easy. Gimme a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam's a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two. But sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out. And I am obviously the joker. So... [phone rings, computer chimes, etc.] That's Uh...\nRobotic Voice: WUPHF, from Ryan Howard. Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.\nMichael: Thank God.\nJim: [puts his phone in his coffee mug and calls Gabe]\nGabe: Gabe Lewis.\nJo: [Jim's edited version of her book on tape]: Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them.\nGabe: Well, Jo-\nJo: Now, I love reading, and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One. I was born, not into luxary, nor poverty. [Gabe looks through Jo's book] But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My Father was a man. That's all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Stree and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my-\nJim: [opens door to Gabe's office] All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. [Gabe motions that he's on the phone] 'Cause I really think I made good use of my day, oh! Sorry.\nJo: I've always been a fighter. And Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard-"}
{"text": "Dwight: [picks up pencil between his toes]\nJim: Why?\nDwight: Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. [attempts to place pencil in pencil sharpener] Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes. [accidentally kicks items from his desk onto Pam's]\nPam: Do you mind?\nDwight: I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter.\nPam: You don't have to do that.\nDwight: [typing with his toes] D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear.\nJim: [whistling, places cup of coffee onto Dwight's desk] Ahh, Thank you hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do.\nDwight: [lifts cup up with toes]\nJim: Oh, don't worry about it. Dwight, its okay. You were wrong.\nDwight: [spills hot coffee on himself] Uhh, aah!\nJim: Well, A for effort right?\nDwight: [taps Jim's hand with his foot]\nHank: Welcome, start your morning right with a burst of blueberry. Or try plain.\nAndy: What's the occasion?\nHank: Dwight said this entry was a waste of space.\nAndy: I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor.\nHank: Eight dollars.\nAndy: Eight dollars?\nDwight: Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.\nMichael: [examines items on the reception desk] Mmhmm, China. China.\nErin: How was the dentist?\nMichael: It was great. China.\nPam: Are you okay, what's wrong?\nMichael: Everything here was made in China, Pam.\nAndy: Yeah, its where they make stuff.\nMichael: They used to make stuff in America, Andy. But we're falling behind, did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir.\nErin: Oh, no.\nMichael: Yeah, right here. It is right there. [holds up magazine] Anybody read the news any more?\nDwight: China is on the move?\nMichael: I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read, that's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again.\nMichael: My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight.\nDarryl: Hey Andy.\nAndy: Hey Darryl.\nDarryl: You gotta stop texting me so much.\nAndy: But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane.\nDarryl: You need to change your standard for what's worthy of a text. Ask yourself is this something Darryl needs to know. The answers almost always no.\nAndy: Got it. Then I will call you.\nDarryl: No.\nDarryl: There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. 'I'm coming over baby.' And I would text back 'BTB', bring that booty.\nStanley: Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply?\nDwight: I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.\nPam: Umm, Stanley. Maybe you could just unspool a little more each time you need to...\nStanley: Don't tell me how to do my business.\nDwight: Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner.\nJim: Which is you.\nDwight: Which is you' is not a sentence.\nJim: I disagree with.\nStanley: Are you just gonna sit there, Office Administrator, or are you going to do something?\nPam: Dwight, can we talk about these cutbacks.\nDwight: Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment.\nPam: I'm not going to do that.\nDwight: Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy.\nNate: [on the phone] Y'ello.\nPam: Hi Nate, Its Pam Halpert.\nNate: Oh, hey Pam.\nPam: Hey, I would just love to schedule a meeting today with Dwight.\nNate: Let me put you on hold for just one 'eensy sec.\nPam: Sure.\nDwight: [answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up.\nNate: Hey Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police in connection with a string of dog-nappings that ha...\nPam: [hangs up phone] Dwight. Dwight. Can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with, people he's worked with for years. His friends.\nDwight: You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity. [Kevin smiles]\nErin: Oh my God.\nMichael: What?\nErin: According to the internet, the tallest man in the world is Chinese.\nMichael: So much for keeping our secrets up high.\nErin: What's America gonna do?\nMichael: I know what we're going to do. We're going to put our best minds on it.\nMichael: Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower, where forks are irrelevant, and where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes.\nAngela: You never told us to close them.\nMichael: Welcome to your future.\nPhyllis: What do we do? How do we stop this?\nMichael: How do we stop it? With a big idea. That's what America is built on, big ideas. Blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Whose got one, whose got a big idea?\nPam: An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon?\nMichael: Yes, indeed. Yes Kevin.\nKevin: An antacid that you only take once a week.\nMichael: Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes.\nKevin: Michael! An antacid pill that you take once every six weeks.\nStanley: Why not just go one for the year?\nMichael: I don't know.\nKevin: It's too big of a pill to swallow.\nMichael: Alright.\nErin: What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy, and then we all kill him, but first we take out like a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy. I bet you guys like that idea don't you?\nErin: I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing.\nMichael: I don't know what the [expletive] that was.\nDwight: I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve.\nPhyllis: Yeah, Dwight's right we should drop a bomb.\nMichael: No he's not right. We're not. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are fifty six cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine.\nErin: [gasps]\nOscar: Actually, that's not true. I know the figure you're referring to, and it's a projection of fifteen years from now.\nKevin: Thank God.\nMichael: No, no. That is right now.\nOscar: Michael, China's agrarian. Urbanizing fast? You bet 'cha, but still agrarian.\nMichael: In terms of land, not population.\nOscar: Come on Michael. You can...\nMichael: No, no you're wrong about this.\nOscar: Where are you getting this information?\nMichael: I got it from NewYorkTimes.com\nKevin: Uh oh, getting nervous Oscar?\nJim: Okay, someone look it up.\nRyan: I'm on it Jim. I'm on it.\nOscar: Guys its not worth it really. Guys this is not worth our time.\nDarryl: [reads text] 'Are you watching this?' Seriously?\nAndy: Well are you?\nDarryl: I'm sitting right here.\nRyan: Got it. China has fifty six cities with a population of over one million. The US has... nine.\nMeredith: Suck it Oscar.\nJim: Well on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael.\nOscar: Great. I was wrong. I'm wrong. Is everyone happy?\nMichael: So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? [laughs] I don't care.\nMichael: Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar?\nMeredith: Wow, so this building can get uglier.\nStanley: I will not work in a roach billboard.\nGabe: Oh my God, I can't look at roaches.\nAngela: Michael do something about this.\nMichael: Absolutely, Pam this is exactly why I hired you as Office Administrator, handle it. Taking care of business.\nPam: Dwight take it down.\nDwight: [chuckles]\nPam: I'm serious, take it down or else.\nDwight: Or else? Or else what? There's nothing you can do.\nPam: We can move out.\nAngela: [lights turn off] Really? [jumps to try and activate motion sensor, Kevin walks through the door setting it off, and the lights come back on]\nPam: So, does anyone wanna know where I've been for the last 2 hours?\nJim: Oh God, I've been playing Zombie Soccer for two hours?\nPam: I went out to look for a better office space.\nDwight: Waste of time.\nPam: Not really, because I found one.\nJim: Oh wow, these are nice.\nPam: Yup.\nDwight: Let me see.\nPam: Look at the huge offices Jim, check out that conference room.\nJim: Yeah, yeah. Totally.\nDwight: You can't just move out.\nPam: Oh in three months we can. Check the lease, and if you don't undo all the changes you've made, we're moving. Hey guys, can I show you some pictures.\nAndy: [without looking at the pictures] Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you.\nPam: They're not of Cece.\nAndy: Oh, cool.\nPam: This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office.\nPhyllis: Well I like being in the same building as Bob. Keeps me honest.\nPam: Well, this building isn't far, and its much newer. There's a dry cleaner, nail place and a gym. Oh, and it's next-door to and Outback so it always smells like steak.\nStanley: Are you trying to kill me?\nKelly: Is the nail place Koreans or whites?\nPam: Koreans.\nKelly: Good. And the dry cleaners?\nPam: White.\nKelly: Good.\nJim: Woah, there is a lot of brainpower in this room. We've got Michael and Oscar, the two smartest guys in the office, also in that order.\nOscar: Funny Jim. That is funny.\nMichael: Very comedically humorous Jim.\nKelly: I have a computer question. Hey Oscar?\nOscar: What is it?\nKelly: Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael?\nOscar: Alright. Alright I get it.\nKelly: Michael, how do I create a new tab?\nMichael: Try 'Control P'.\nOscar: That's print.\nMichael: Not if the printer isn't hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar.\nKelly: Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you.\nOscar: He's... he's not smarter than me, he was just right about one thing.\nKelly: Yeah, but it was a really smart thing to be right about, actually.\nRyan: Actually, it was.\nJim: Around here, Oscar is known as 'actually' because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts, or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.\nDarryl: [reading text] Megan Fox. Question mark. What's that mean?\nAndy: Megan Fox! Come on!\nDarryl: You know what, you're one bad text away from getting blocked.\nAndy: Yes, but one good text away from a high five.\nDarryl: You accept these terms?\nAndy: Oh, its on.\nDwight: In your perfect would, what would make this building awesome? I'm putting together kind of a wish list.\nKevin: Well, I wish for a million wishes.\nDwight: Yeah, no. I'm not a genie. I'm just talking about a...\nKevin: Then see you later building.\nDwight: You can't possibly be serious.\nKevin: I said see you later building.\nOscar: Hey Michael.\nMichael: Hey.\nOscar: I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China.\nMichael: Mmm.\nOscar: I'd love to talk more about it.\nMichael: Yeah.\nOscar: Maybe over some coffee later?\nMichael: Sure.\nJim: Woah, woah, woah. Do you know what you just agreed to?\nMichael: Coffee Jim.\nJim: No.\nAndy: It is not just coffee.\nJim: He's trying to set you up Michael. What's going to happen is he's going to try and bring up what ever you're talking about in a very casual way, but secretly he'll be trying to trip you up, and when he does, boom, its awful. Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up the Tour de France around him?\nMichael: Yes.\nAndy: And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small.\nMichael: Alright, well I just need to learn everything about China. To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time. Okay, okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary.\nJim: No politics?\nMichael: I'm pretty good on politics. 'California is bankrupt, and California, California.' [Jim and Andy follow Michael into his office] What?\nDwight: Parley, my office, five minutes.\nPam: Parley?\nCreed: Pirate code, he wants to meet.\nPam: So everyone here knows pirate code?\nCreed: I understand it, I can't speak it.\nDwight: Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap.\nPam: You've been watering down the soap?\nDwight: Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?\nPam: We need everything back the way it was.\nDwight: You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping.\nPam: That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. [lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor]\nRyan: Where is Tibet?\nMichael: Pass.\nRyan: When was China founded?\nMichael: Pass.\nJim: Two for two, keep it up.\nRyan: Who is Mao?\nMichael: Lifeline.\nAndy: Damn it. Michael, you are moments away from the smack down of your life. If you don't know something, steer the conversation back to something you do know.\nMichael: I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs.\nJim: What do you know about boobs?\nAndy: Michael, I have to tell you something it's from Rocky II.\nJim: Thank you.\nAndy: This guy doesn't just wanna win. Y'know, he want's to bury you. He wants to humiliate you!\nMichael: Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take?\nAndy: I'm like a quarter of the way through.\nMichael: Is it going to be worth it?\nAndy: No.\nRyan: Just in case Michael, I made you a cheat sheet.\nMichael: I don't need to cheat.\nJim: Show him how to use it.\nNate: [riding in car, looking for new office] Ten thousand seven hundred and six.\nDwight: Here it is, right here, pull over. Oh my God. No way. Man, look at that.\nNate: Yeah.\nDwight: There's no building. This could only mean one thing.\nNate: The building's underground?\nDwight: She was lying. Oh, Pam, Pam...\nDwight & Nate: Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam.\nPasser-by: Yeah?\nNate: Pam. Pam?\nDwight: What?\nPasser-by: I'm Pam.\nDwight: Oh.\nNate: No you're not.\nDwight: I'm sorry. We have a colleague with the same name.\nPasser-by: Oh, that's fine.\nDwight: So, okay. You're not a liar too are you?\nPasser-by: I've been known to bend the truth.\nDwight: Damn it, Pam. Get out. Right now. Leave it, I mean it. Get the hell out of here. Go.\nPasser-by: Okay.\nDwight: I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam.\nDwight: Hey Pam.\nPam : Yeah?\nDwight: Y'know what, I'm the only one here who you haven't asked about the new office.\nPam: I know, because you're the reason we're moving.\nDwight: Yeah, but I'm still an employee here, and that part of me is really excited about the change of scenery. What's the square footage in the new place?\nPam: Uhh, I think it's something like umm...\nDwight: What's the exact square footage.\nPam: Umm, let me see.\nDwight: How many offices are there? Oh I'll just look at the one sheet myself.\nPam: Oh, actually I don't know what I did with the one sheet. Y'know, that's the problem. You only have one sheet.\nDwight: [chuckles] You're a funny guy Pam. What's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? I'm going to walk down the hall and say 'Wow, I can't believe this is real, but it is.' I can't wait.\nPam: Mmhmm.\nPam: I lied about some aspects of the building.\nJim: It's still on a bike path though right?\nPam: There's no building... it doesn't exist.\nJim: What does that mean?\nPam: I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna...\nJim: What?\nPam: Fail. I don't want to fail... again.\nJim: But you didn't fail.\nPam: And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales.\nJim: And you didn't fail those things either.\nPam: Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?\nJim: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.\nOscar: Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is that I've been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated.\nMichael: Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast?\nOscar: We have missiles too.\nMichael: Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon.\nNate: I wasn't here. [places a book in front of Pam]\nPam: What?\nNate: I wasn't here. It's a pretty common saying. You may want to log it away for future use.\nPam: Well thanks.\nNate: Yeah.\nMichael: China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us.\nOscar: Actually, we're in a mild recession right now. I'll give you that, but people use China as the boogie man for all their problems. In the nineteen eighties, it was Japan.\nMichael: How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?\nOscar: Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy's heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? I'd say that's far more relevant. Wouldn't you?\nMichael: Don't... I...\nPam: Hello, hello. You're breaking the law.\nDwight: Impossible, I love the law.\nPam: Read article nineteen. There are suitable standards that you have to maintain the building at that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two, and no more tampering with the toilet paper.\nDwight: I see I've underestimated you, and I didn't think that was possible. Nate, reply the paper.\nNate: I don't think it goes that way.\nDwight: Reply it!\nOscar: Don't worry about the coffee, its on me.\nMichael: Yeah, I figured that.\nOscar: Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat.\nMichael: Wait. You forgetting something?\nOscar: What?\nMichael: This chat. Two men, one white, one latina. A boss and a money cruncher. I could fire you.\nErin: Fire him. No, show mercy.\nMichael: Here we are.\nOscar: What's your point.\nMichael: My point is... that as long as people like you and me don't stop talking, nobody can stop the USA.\nAndy: Yeah. [clapping]\nErin: Right, yes.\nMichael: I am talking about freedom, about choice. America, I don't think you need to worry. Because if you want to beat China you will. If you don't, that's fine. That my friend, is your victory. Y'know, a lot of people say if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China, and that may be the true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend. So here is to conversation.\nOscar: That's not.\nMichael: Raise your cups on high. Case closed.\nOscar: That wasn't what we were discu... That wasn't the whole...\nDwight: They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion.\nDarryl: [reads text] Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action?\nAndy: Shhh. You're gonna scare 'em away. [two pigeons are eating out of a soft serve cone]\nDarryl: [laughs] That's a text. [high fives Andy]\nAndy: Yeah. Right.\nDarryl: That's your new standard."}
{"text": "Nate: Got it. [taking a group photo outside]\nPam: Okay let's go in. I'm freezing.\nMichael: People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one.\nJim: One Charlie's Angels. One. Let's go.\nPam: Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one's putting this on their fridge.\nKevin: Oh, I got it, you guys, how 'bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, 'why I oughta', and the girls are like, 'let's go shopping!'.\nAndy: Let's just jump in the air!\nMichael: That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go.\nPam: Okay.\nNate: One, two, three. [everyone jumps at different times] Not everyone jumped.\nMichael: Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.\nNate: One, two, three. [everyone jumps] Still some people not jumping.\nJim: You gotta be kidding me. Who isn't jumping?\nDwight: I'll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar.\nPhyllis: I am jumping.\nDwight: You are?\nPhyllis: Yes, I'm jumping.\nDwight: Let me see you jump. [Phyllis barely jumps] Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.\nPam: I'm freezing.\nNate: Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three'.\nErin: I didn't want to miss it.\nAndy: Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that.\nOscar: Here's a question nobody's asking: Is this worth it?\nMichael: Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes?\nOscar: Why?\nMichael: I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.\nNate: Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three, [some people jump] two, [others jump] one, [others jump] zero. [everyone begins to yell]\nMichael: We didn't get it.\nPam: I'm the office administrator now, which means I'm basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head... I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties.\nPam: It hardly looks fake. It's so lush.\nJim: Why's it smell real? [Pam shows him a hidden car-freshener] Ah... good one.\nMichael: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! [dressed as Santa]\nAll: Merry Christmas.\nMichael: How's everybody doing today?\nErin: Good.\nMichael: How's the party coming along?\nPam: Great.\nMichael: Are we over budget?\nPam: Nope.\nMichael: No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?\nMeredith: Not yet!\nMichael: Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What's the problem?\nAngela: Nothing. Should be fun.\nMichael: So Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?\nStanley: [cheerily] Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I'm doing fine.\nMichael: Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy?\nAndy: Yea?\nMichael: Whatcha got?\nAndy: All good, Santa.\nMichael: Well, that's a relief. Santa's gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good!\nMichael: My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that's what I want. That's what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.\nKelly: It's present time, you guys. [all react] Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre.\nGabe: We just want to say how grateful we are.\nKelly: Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, 'Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do.'\nKelly: It's a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve.\nAndy: Hello Kitty's for girls.\nPam: Nashua got mp3 players.\nPhyllis: Yeah, I don't even have a laptop.\nKelly: I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.\nMeredith: Wow.\nPhyllis: Oh God.\nDwight: Oh come on.\nKelly: I said, 'I wonder.' I didn't say, 'I think.'\nGabe: Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets.\nKelly: Blankets, what am I, five?\nGabe: Erin and I make great use of ours.\nGabe: Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we're still dating?\nDarryl: I'll take one of those pink pouches.\nDarryl: I feel good today. My little girl Jada? It's my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago I had her, and we had the best time. I tivoed her favorite shows, some things I've never heard of. iCarly... You know who's funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He's got a nice way of talking.\nJim: Hey, it's snowing.\nDwight: [mocking] Oh, my God! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams, hmm? It's not even a real snow. Look, it's a dusting. Pitiful.\nJim: [Jim goes outside, makes a snowball, and brings it back inside] Hey, Dwight. [Jim throws the snowball at Dwight and everyone laughs]\nDwight: Damn it, Jim, you cannot throw snowballs in here!\nJim: Well, it's not a snowball, 'cause it's only a dusting. Right?\nDwight: Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You coulda killed me.\nPhyllis: Oh, don't be such a baby.\nStanley: Yeah, who's a little girl now? [everyone laughs]\nDwight: You apologize to me right now.\nJim: You've got something on your nose.\nDwight: You apologize right now.\nJim: No.\nDwight: Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter.\nJim: You got it.\nAndy: That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?\nDwight: No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it. [Jim continues to shake Dwight's hand] Jim, let go. Let go.\nKevin: Angela, are you bringing you new boyfriend to the party.\nAngela: I wouldn't subject Robert to that. He's a very busy senator.\nOscar: State senator.\nAngela: I would not expect you to know what it's like to date someone in the public arena.\nOscar: Who are you dating in the public arena?\nAngela: The senator.\nKevin: Oh, right. The state senator.\nAngela: We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptroller's wife.\nKevin: Oh, that would be impressive... if\nOscar: Well...\nAngela: Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. 'Angela...' [imitates camera shooting] 'over here, Angela...' [imitates camera shooting] 'here. Look here!'\nPam: Before we kick off the party, I just want to remind everyone that an office party is just that...\nMichael: Yeah!\nPam: A party. It's not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind.\nMichael: Pam? Pam?\nDwight: Pam?\nPam: Wow, there are, there are questions to that. Okay. Um, you know what, no questions. Last item on the agenda, Toby would like to make an announcement.\nToby: Hi guys.\nMichael: Hi.\nToby: Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I'll be taking a leave of absence starting next week.\nMichael: Uh, because you've been on the Lam? Because the 'boring police' have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?\nToby: Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case.\nMichael: Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!\nDwight: Death to Toby!\nToby: Okay, that's hurtful talk. We've talked about that. You know, I don't interrupt your announcements.\nMichael: You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do?\nPhyllis: What's the case, Toby?\nToby: Well, I really can't talk about it, but it's a very high profile case.\nAndy: Is it criminal?\nToby: Yes.\nAndy: Have we heard of it?\nToby: I don't know.\nDwight: Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?\nToby: Come on.\nMeredith: Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?\nToby: Guys, it's a really big deal. [rubs his neck]\nRyan: He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck!\nKelly: He's rubbing his neck.\nRyan: He's rubbing his neck.\nAndy: Oh, Scranton Strangler! [all react]\nToby: I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty. [excited outbursts]\nMichael: That was the worst joke ever.\nToby: Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while.\nMichael: Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye.\nToby: Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch.\nMichael: What? What?\nToby: Yeah, uh, she'll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know.\nMichael: Hold on, Holly's coming back here?\nToby: Yeah.\nErin: Guys, who's Holly?\nMichael: That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future?\nErin: Wow.\nCreed: She's one sassy black lady.\nMichael: Holly's coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party.\nGabe: I'm not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party.\nMichael: You know what, we'll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree.\nDwight: Okay.\nMichael: Cancel. We're canceling it. [Michael starts to throw away all of the food]\nAngela: No, don't throw those out!\nMichael: No, we have to cancel the party.\nAngela: We can save that.\nMichael: No, no, no, we're gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new.\nAndy: I bought these.\nMichael: I know.\nAndy: These cookies are fine.\nMichael: It's not. They're not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.\nPam: Michael, Michael, wait we don't have, we don't have the budget for another party.\nMichael: Well then everybody'll chip in, it'll be fine.\nPam: I honestly think you're idealizing people here again, Michael. I don't think that's gonna happen.\nMichael: You know what, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for the party. It doesn't matter. This is way too important. People, Holly's coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work.\nMichael: Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person's breath away.\nMichael: We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they've never been cool. [imitating Sean Connery] The name is Bond... Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa... wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can't get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He's not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus... God! Ow! [camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael's pants]\nAngela: Just stop moving your calves so much while you're talking.\nMichael: Well, this year's gonna be different. We're gonna have fun. It's not gonna be tacky. It's going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It's not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It's gonna be cool, sleek Santa.\nAngela: Maybe I'll bring my boyfriend. I'll invite him.\nMichael: Okay. Sure.\nAngela: I mean, unless there's any chance there could be press at this party.\nMichael: You never know about the press.\nAngela: Well, I only ask because he's a senator.\nMichael: Could he help us with some parking tickets?\nAngela: I don't think that's appropriate.\nMichael: Well, then he's not a senator.\nAngela: Yes, he is.\nMichael: Okay.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: We still doing the gifts today? [Pam nods] I mean, it is the Christmas party. Well, the classy Christmas party.\nPam: Yes. But don't get too excited, 'cause I didn't have a lot of time this year.\nJim: Me neither. Whew.\nPam: Okay.\nPam: I've been working forever on Jim's present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He'll take a memory or a private joke, and he'll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes 'bear man'. Wreaks havoc on the office. It's really good.\nJim: [A note is on Jim's computer that says, 'It is time. Parking lot at noon.' Jim nods and hands it to Dwight who burns it.]\nMichael: Okay... [sighs] Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no!\nPam: No, it has the little...\nMichael: Pam, no, no. Holly's coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it's a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you.\nBass Player: Hi, I'm looking for Michael Scott.\nMichael: Yes, that's me. Come on it.\nMichael: [scats awkwardly] There's nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what's better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?\nPam: Hey, uh, any volunteers to come with me to go buy a Christmas tree?\nKevin: I would, but I don't want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party.\nPam: Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It's just us.\nAndy: I will help. Although my 'brid', my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won't fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.\nKevin: Yeah.\nAndy: I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup.\nPam: Oh, do you mean Darryl? That's a great idea. I'll ask him.\nAndy: You know Darryl?\nPam: Yeah. He works here. We all know him.\nAndy: I should come along, just 'cause he's my, you know, he's my hookup.\nPam: Cool.\nDarryl: Come on, now, Justine, look... Listen, look, I've been planning this, okay? You cannot do this, Justine.\nJustine: [on the phone] I'm not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here.\nDarryl: She did?\nJustine: Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas.\nDarryl: I don't know... I thought I was enough family for my daughter.\nDarryl: [Pam knocks on Darryl's door] Don't come in, I'm busy. [Pam opens the door]\nAndy: It's cool, Darryl, I'm here too.\nPam: Hey, sorry, I really didn't want to come in. It's just that we have to go buy a new Christmas tree, and we're hoping we could borrow your truck.\nDarryl: Uh, no.\nAndy: Come on, it'll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back.\nDarryl: No. Thank you for your interest in my truck.\nPam: Okay. Sorry. We'll uh, we'll leave you alone.\nDarryl: Hey... [sighs] You know what, I could use a breath of fresh air. Let's do it.\nMichael: When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her.\nErin: I've looked her up online... there's nothing about her. She's made no impression on the internet.\nMichael: She doesn't need an internet presence, you just know.\nErin: Oh...\nToby: Hey.\nMichael: What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the courthouse.\nToby: Uh, we're on recess. I came for the party. Hey, everyone.\nKevin: Hi, Toby.\nMeredith: What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.\nKevin: Yeah.\nMeredith: That scowl.\nToby: I can't talk about it or I'll get removed from the jury.\nMichael: And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions.\nToby: I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But, they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we're just talking.\nJim: [standing outside, dials Dwight's cell phone]\nDwight: [voicemail recording] You've reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave... [Jim hangs up and turns for the door. It is pad locked. Jim turns as Dwight springs from a nearby snowman and pelts him with snowballs.]\nDwight: Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!\nJim: Stop! Stop!\nDwight: Ahh!\nJim: Oh... oh!\nDwight: [grunting, shouting]\nDwight: I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.\nDwight: [dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim, then rests his foot on Jim and raises his arms in the air] Haahh!! [runs off]\nJim: Um, I was laying on the ground, defenseless, and uh, he just kept throwing 'em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, [cell phone chimes] then... [reading text message] 'How 'bout icing it? lol. Dwight.'\nHolly: Hi.\nErin: Hello.\nHolly: Is there any way I can get a hand with these, please?\nErin: I'm really sorry, I can't help you. I'm waiting for my boss' pretty friend to arrive.\nMichael: There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God's sake?\nErin: Oh, you're Holly! Of course. Sorry.\nMichael: Hello.\nHolly: [weak Clint Eastwood accent] Well, well, well, if it isn't Michael Scott. You old bastard.\nMichael: [imitating her accent] Well, I never thought I'd see your face around these parts, you old bastard.\nHolly: Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard.\nMichael: [as Curly] Why, you're some sorta wise guy, huh?\nHolly: [as Curly] I most certainly am.\nMichael: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!\nHolly: Unnnnnnngh!\nMichael: [as Homer] D'oh!\nHolly: [as Marge] Oh, Homey. [they both laugh]\nJim: Okay... Holly's back.\nMichael: Hi. Hi. Oh... [they hug]\nHolly: [in monster voice] Oh, huggy monster!\nMichael: Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! [both sigh] Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly.\nHolly: Hi.\nKevin: Did you bring us anything from Nashua?\nHolly: Oh, yeah. I brought um, some maple candy. But I have to admit, I got a little hungry on the drive, and I ate some of them.\nMichael: That's adorable.\nHolly: Would you put those out?\nErin: To throw out? Or put out, like, six pieces for everyone?\nHolly: Oh, it's so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It's like a party for limousine drivers.\nMichael: Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party.\nHolly: Oh, it's fabulous. I love what you did.\nMichael: Isn't it wonderful? We love it here. Don't you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk.\nHolly: [in the same accent] Watch out for my guns they're both loaded. [makes gun noises]\nMichael: What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?\nJim: Aww...\nHolly: It's a pea shoot...\nMichael: This is weird. I can't believe you're here. This feels like you never left. Doesn't it?\nHolly: Yeah, kind of.\nMichael: Oh...\nHolly: Oh...\nMichael: Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! [the both chuckle] Oh, I love toy...\nHolly: AJ gave me that.\nMichael: Well, that's understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character?\nHolly: Mmhmm.\nMichael: You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy's mom.\nHolly: Why?\nMichael: Because without Andy's mom, there's no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie.\nHolly: That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn't seen any of the Toy Story movies.\nMichael: You're kidding me. Ahh!\nHolly: No. I know. I was like, 'What? Are you serious?'\nMichael: What a douche bag!\nHolly: Get a life!\nMichael: Get a... yeah! Good riddance.\nHolly: We sat down and we watched them all in one day.\nMichael: Mmhmm.\nHolly: Now he's the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever.\nMichael: Good for him.\nHolly: Next day I found him in my bed.\nMichael: Really? That's creepy. How did AJ get in your house?\nHolly: We live together.\nMichael: Oh, you do?\nHolly: He had a little note pinned to him that said, 'You've got a friend in me.'\nMichael: [fighting back tears] Yeah, Randy Newman's the best.\nHolly: Yeah. I love him.\nMichael: Me too.\nAndy: [singing] Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won't you be my Christmas tree.\nPam: Hey, how about this one?\nAndy: Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is?\nPam: Maybe. I mean...\nDarryl: [on the phone] I just, no, she be talking to your mom or something. This is my daughter too, Justine! You seem to think, [Justine hangs up] oh... pick a damn tree already.\nPam: Um, hey, Darryl, listen, it's none of my business, but if I couldn't have Cece for Christmas, I'd be really upset too.\nAndy: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.\nDarryl: Jada don't want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasn't as much fun. And how could she say that? You know, I took her to the toy store to buy her own presents.\nPam: Well Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents.\nDarryl: Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess that's something to do.\nPam: No, you should have her mom do the boring Christmas stuff on her time. You should be associated with the fun parts of Christmas.\nDarryl: How do I do that?\nPam: Bring her to the party. Yeah, we'll have Santa, and we'll play games with her. It'll be a lot of fun.\nAndy: Yes.\nPam: You'll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night.\nPam: Hey guys, the tree's here.\nMichael: Hey.\nAndy: Nobody hug me, I'm covered in tree sap, so...\nOscar: Why would someone hug you?\nMichael: Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I'm Santa Claus. Welcome.\nDarryl: Are you serious?\nMichael: It's a sophisticated take.\nJada: He doesn't look like Santa Claus.\nDarryl: No, he doesn't. [to Michael] I told her Santa would be here.\nMichael: Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled.\nPam: Who told you that?\nMichael: Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made.\nPhyllis: So is it an open relationship?\nHolly: Oh, God, no.\nKelly: Well, you're almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids?\nHolly: Oh, I want kids. I really want kids. But AJ and I are practically engaged. We talk about spending our lives together.\nKelly: So where's the ring?\nPam: Kelly! Um, how are you adjusting to the move?\nPhyllis: Nobody cares about that. Look, you have to make him commit, or kick his butt to the curb.\nPam: You guys, I don't think any of us are really qualified to be giving Holly personal advice about her love life.\nErin: Yeah, I mean, maybe Holly's not in any position to be shooing guys away.\nErin: I don't get it! I'm sorry. I just, I don't get it!\nHolly: Okay, listen, I'm gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose by the end of this year, we're over.\nPam: Wow, an ultimatum.\nHolly: Yeah.\nPam: It doesn't really seem like you.\nKelly: That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.\nDwight: [turns in Pam's chair with a Pam wig on and laughs maniacally]\nJim: Don't. Stop, Dwight! [Dwight pelts Jim with snowballs] Dwight, stop! Dwight, stop!\nDwight: Oh, no. Oh, no!\nJim: Stop!\nDwight: Oh, no. Yes, taste my wrath!\nJim: Okay. Okay. Okay.\nDwight: Huh? You like that?\nJim: Seriously!\nDwight: Huh?\nJim: Okay. Okay. [Dwight throws another snowball and laughs maniacally]\nDwight: Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.\nJim: I just want it to stop.\nPam: So, cool right?\nRyan: There's no connection between the origin story and the quest.\nPam: Okay.\nRyan: We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise, it's the bear's quest.\nPam: Okay, well, I just sorta meant, like, cute, right?\nRyan: Well, did you come here for help, or did you come here for me to tell you how great it is?\nPam: I mean, help, if it's something simple, like add page numbers or laminate it or...\nRyan: Well, it sounds like you know what you want. [Pam walks away] It's also a little derivative of a serias called 'Bear Man'. Did you look that up?\nPam: No.\nRyan: Okay.\nToby: Oh, Jim. Hey.\nJim: Hey, Toby.\nToby: There's this female uh, uh, stenographer at the courthouse...\nJim: No way.\nToby: Who looks exactly like you.\nJim: That's increadible.\nToby: Yeah. No, it's uncanny.\nJim: You know what's crazy?\nToby: What?\nJim: I can't reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second. [he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick, misses, and shatters a window, everyone gasps] Excuse me. [clears throat]\nMichael: I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don't. And that's just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. [clip of Michael throwing Holly's Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it]\nAngela: It's so cold. Even with my coat on.\nMeredith: Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car... for screwing Americans.\nGabe: Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy.\nHolly: You guys, this has to stop. Someone could have really gotten hurt.\nMichael: What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic.\nDwight: I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress.\nJim: What are you talking about? You're the one terrorizing me.\nDwight: With snowballs, Jim? With fluffy little snowballs? No. I thought we were just playing.\nHolly: Dwight's right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. I'm really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here, you were both best friends.\nMichael: All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? [he holds up a toy taxi cab] Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City.\nDwight: Wait, what girlfriend?\nMichael: I haven't told you about her.\nDwight: I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.\nMichael: I'm a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that's pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, 'Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab.'\nHolly: I didn't know you had a girlfriend.\nMichael: I do. She is.\nMichael: Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain't Tara.\nPhyllis: So you went homemade this year.\nPam: Yup.\nPhyllis: Yeah. Money problems, is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don't think we can help you out.\nPam: No, no. Jim had a great year, actually. I just wanted to get your opinion.\nPhyllis: Are you good at homemade?\nPam: Look at this.\nPhyllis: Yeah...\nHolly: [walks in with a dirty Woody] Who did this? It's obvious to me I'm not welcome here, but somebody better tell me who did this, or else I'm leaving.\nPhyllis: Well, I don't think Erin seems to like you.\nErin: That's not true. I don't know her enough to make a decision even.\nMichael: What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby's very jealous of all the attention you've been getting.\nToby: No, I would never ever do anything like that. But it does seem like something you would do.\nMichael: Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn't that nice? Thank you very much.\nKevin: Wait, wait, guys, listen. Toy Story is all about toys that come to life when people aren't looking. You don't think... it's not possible... that Woody did this to himself.\nMichael: It is Christmas.\nAngela: No, it really seems like something Michael would do.\nMichael: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed.\nAndy: Why would anyone frame you for that?\nJim: Okay, I'm sorry, why are we discounting this whole 'Woody came to life' thing so quickly?\nMichael: Ahhhhhh! [laughs] Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh?\nHolly: You think this is funny?\nMichael: [laughs] I don't. But someday I think we will laugh about this... when we tell our kids...\nJim: Yikes. [everyone gasps]\nKevin: Oh no, that's, that's not happening.\nDwight: Dear God in heaven.\nMichael: All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings.\nHolly: Michael, you have to let this go. I'm with someone else. I don't feel that way anymore.\nMichael: Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That's what Jim and Dwight thought.\nDwight: Okay, hey, hey, hey...\nJim: No, fake girlfriends are always wrong.\nHolly: You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I'd get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?\nMichael: When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, 'Michael, I love you, but I can't do this.' But then, with this other guy, you don't have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me.\nHolly: Michael, I'm sorry.\nMichael: And we did this whole stupid party for you.\nErin: [blocks Holly's path] No.\nHolly: You guys, it wasn't my fault.\nKevin: Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!\nErin: I really think you're better off.\nMichael: Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please?\nErin: Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something?\nJim: [walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it, reading the note] 'Hey, Pickles, Merry Christmas. Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese.' [opens the present and a snowball shoots out at him, everyone laughs] Damn it, Dwight!\nDwight: Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all.\nStanley: So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?\nToby: No, they bring it in.\nStanley: You lucky son of a bitch.\nStanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... that is the life.\nJada: Daddy, I'm bored. Can I read my book in your office?\nDarryl: Sure, sweetie.\nPam: Jada, Darryl, I'm so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him?\nPam: Oh, my goodness.\nAndy: I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.\nDarryl: Ohh, that sounds fun and Christmasy, you mean old grinch!\nJada: What kind of challenges.\nAndy: Wahhh...\nPam: Something like an obstacle course, Mr. Grinch?\nAndy: No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?\nJada: I don't know.\nAndy: Do you know the other state?\nDarryl: Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star, and we could ask for clues, and he'll tell us if we're hot or cold.\nAndy: The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she's burning up because the star is right behind her ear! [pulls star from coat and pretends to find it behind Jada's ear]\nDarryl: And the game's over seconds later.\nAngela: I'm so glad you could come.\nRobert: It's nice. I know.\nAngela: Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend, Senator Robert Lipton.\nRobert: Hi.\nOscar: Senator, it's an honor. I'm Angela's friend Oscar.\nRobert: Oscar. A pleasure.\nOscar: Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.\nAJ: Hi.\nErin: Hello.\nAJ: I'm, uh, I'm AJ. I'm here to see Holly. It's kind of a surprise.\nErin: I know who you are, and I think you should go.\nKevin: I bet you didn't even bring us anything, did you?\nAJ: Was I supposed to bring you guys something?\nHolly: What? AJ!\nAJ: Surprise.\nHolly: What are you doing here? Oh, my God.\nAJ: I wanted to see you. How are you?\nHolly: Wow! Nice.\nAJ: Oh, God, you look great.\nHolly: Oh... when did you get here?\nAJ: Just now.\nMichael: Hey\nAJ: Just now. Hey, Michael.\nMichael: Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome.\nAJ: Pleased to see you. Thank you.\nMichael: Good trip down?\nAJ: Yeah, it was great.\nMichael: Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay.\nMichael: I am dead inside.\nDarryl: What do you want, baby? We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies...\nJada: You have a whole room of vending machines?\nCreed: [chuckles] I know. Isn't it something?\nJada: I can't decide what I want.\nDarrly: [handing out vending machine items to everyone] Merry Christmas.\nJada: Merry Christmas.\nPam: Thank you.\nJada: And Merry Christmas.\nMeredith: Thank you.\nJada: And Merry Christ... mas.\nRobert: Thank you so much.\nJada: Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas.\nOscar: Merry Christmas to you.\nJada: Merry Christmas.\nBass Player: Oh, thank you.\nKevin: [Oscar unwraps a pair of Uggs] For your feet!\nRyan: [holding a knitted iPad case] It's amazing. It's so great. Thank you.\nCreed: [Angela hands Creed a pack of deodorant] For me?\nAngela: Yes.\nCreed: Thank you very much.\nAngela: Mmhmm.\nAngela: I don't know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards, but Robert was instrumental in that legislation.\nKevin: Wow, that's awesome!\nOscar: A real David and Goliath story.\nRobert: I'm just so touched that she's so interested in my work.\nAngela: I am.\nMeredith: The real problem is the teachers' union.\nAngela: Zip it, Meredith.\nMeredith: No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still can't read.\nRyan: Hey, who's in charge of making drinks around here? Is there a bartender?\nAngela: You are. You make your own drink. [Ryan groans]\nOscar: I'll make it. What are you drinking.\nRyan: An 'F' train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters.\nOscar: I don't know how to make that.\nRyan: Okay, well, I'll just stick with my mojito.\nAngela: And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he's helping eradicate them as well. I mean, I think they've really become a pest.\nMeredith: Annoying.\nAngela: Yes.\nPam: [Jim hits a ceiling panel] I don't think he's in the ceiling, babe.\nJim: Well, uh... I don't think any of us really know. Alright. [Jim hands Pam a present]\nPam: Is it... is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? [she shakes it]\nJim: Ooh, go easy with the shaking.\nPam: [lifting up a diamond bracelet] Oh, my God.\nJim: You like it?\nPam: I love it.\nJim: Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn't make that.\nJim: Alright, my turn.\nPam: Oh, um, it's just, I didn't, I didn't have a lot of time, so that's just a place holder.\nJim: Right. Of course. [reading the comic book] 'The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert.' Oh, my God. This is awesome! That's my bike. That's my desk. And that is my daughter.\nJim: I mean... [speechless]\nPam: Michael, wait!\nMichael: Oh, hey, hey, no, don't run. You're gonna slip.\nPam: That's good advice.\nMichael: Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.\nPam: That's a sad story.\nMichael: [voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married.\nPam: Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything's gonna be okay.\nMichael: No, it's not. It's not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.\nPam: I shouldn't tell you this, but... AJ won't commit to Holly. And she's gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose to her by the end of the year, it's over.\nMichael: Really?\nPam: Really. And I don't know about you, but I don't know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?\nMichael: No.\nPam: So just be patient.\nMichael: Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don't want you to fall.\nJim: I surrender.\nDwight: I do not accept your surrender. There's only one way that I would ever relent.\nJim: Anything. You got it.\nDwight: You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch.\nJim: You're a psychopath.\nDwight: I'll take that as a no.\nMichael: I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it.\nKelly: Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You're re-gifting this to me.\nMichael: No, that's not... no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you.\nKelly: Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt.\nMichael: [hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That...\nKelly: This is a fast food receipt from April.\nMichael: Well, that...\nKelly: God, how many number nines did you order?\nAJ: Is everyone here kind of mean?\nHolly: Oh, I think everyone's on edge because of the strangler trial.\nAJ: Oh.\nHolly: Hey, I'm so glad you came down. It's been so much harder than I expected.\nAJ: Hey, what happened to Woody?\nHolly: Oh, okay, get ready for this. You're not gonna believe it. I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him.\nAJ: He smells awful.\nHolly: It was blue cheese dressing.\nAJ: Great.\nDarryl: Hey, Mike.\nMichael: Hey.\nDarryl: We wanted to give you something.\nMichael: Oh.\nJada: Merry Christmas.\nMichael: Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.\nDarryl: What do you say?\nJada: You're welcome.\nMichael: Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn't he say that?\nJada: Yeah.\nMichael: I think I know where he is.\nJada: A trampoline...\nMichael: Mmhmm.\nJada: Video games.\nMichael: Video games.\nJada: A DSi.\nMichael: A DSi?\nJada: A horse.\nMichael: A horse.\nJada: A pool.\nMichael: You, are you sure you don't want a pony? You want a real horse?\nJada: Yes.\nMichael: All right. You have to pick up after them.\nPam: Hey, sorry. I'm ready.\nJim: I don't want to go.\nPam: Oh... come on, bear man. Come on. [the lights flicker]\nJim: Have you ever seen 'em do that? [walk outside and the parking lot is covered with snowmen]\nPam: I'm sorry. I had no idea.\nJim: No, it's, it's okay. Okay.\nPam: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.\nJim: Okay. This is it.\nPam: What?\nJim: Go! Go! Go!\nPam: What? What is it? What? What is, oh, my God! [Jim starts attacking snowmen] Honey? Jim? Jim!\nDwight: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas."}
{"text": "Man: Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.\nDwight: Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!\nJim: Oh.\nDwight: This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.\nDwight: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.\nJim: I'm actually just looking for my Blackberry, so, carry on.\nDwight: No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs, ha, ha, ha... screw you!\nMan: Dwight, don't be bothered by your friend's presence.\nDwight: What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leader's weird voice? Huh? [mimicking the leader's voice] Dwight, don't be bothered by the [mumbles]. Over the line, Jim.\nJim: I'm just looking for my phone, so... pretend I'm not here.\nDwight: Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. That's our official name, Jim.\nJim: Sounds good.\nDwight: Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.\nJim: Smart.\nDwight: And the rest was just [mumbles]stuff.\nMan: Go ahead and read it, some people weren't here.\nDwight: Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.\nJim: Oh, come on, that sounds awesome.\nMember: It was pretty cool.\nJim: Was it?\nMember: It was fun.\nDwight: It was pretty awesome.\nJim: [answers phone] Hey! Yeah. No, I got it. Just leaving now.\nMichael: January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let's switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this.\nMichael: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.\nMichael: [filming video] Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.\nErin: [giggles] Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry.\nMichael: Okay, so killing yourself. [laughs] I was just thinking about snot.\nAngela: Good morning.\nPam: Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display them on... da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board.\nDwight: Wow. Did your baby draw that?\nAngela: The glitter is blinding.\nPhyllis: I think it's good.\nPam: It's gonna be fun.\nPam: I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she's awesome.\nPhyllis: I know Sue. She's not that great. And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?\nErin: Okay, champagne.\nMichael: Happy.\nErin: Sponge.\nMichael: Sad. To soak up my tears.\nErin: Gummi bears and gummi worms.\nMichael: Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.\nErin: Ukulele's happy?\nMichael: Sad, something to break.\nErin: Chocolates.\nMichael: For you, job well done.\nErin: Thank you! And two bottles of scotch.\nMichael: Both sad.\nErin: And did you get the tickets?\nMichael: I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite. I hope she doesn't call us up on stage. That would suck. 'Hey, you think you can do my job better?' I don't know. 'What's your name?' Michael.\nErin: I'm really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life!\nPam: Oh, hey, guys! I'd like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine. His name is New Year's resolution board.\nMichael: Shaaa-shut up. Hello.\nKelly: What happened? Is there a ring?\nMichael: So... high five me. We're back. To a happy... [grabs Holly's hand] look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?\nKelly: [whispering] Come on!\nHolly: They're warm.\nMichael: They're so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put 'er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! That's a good firm handshake. You're hired! Yes, let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Yes, yes, right away.\nDwight: Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat up to 90, smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.\nMichael: Yes, no, why? Stop! Yes.\nKevin: [Holly takes off mittens revealing no ring on her ring finger] Congratu-ohhh.\nKelly: Wow.\nMichael: Oh my God! That's it! That's it!\nHolly: Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum.\nKelly: Yes, I told everyone.\nHolly: [sticking both ring fingers up] Ha ha, ha ha!\nKevin: Hey! [sticking up middle finger] Right back atcha, bitch!\nMichael: Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy!\nVideo Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe.\nMichael: I'm trying!\nVideo Michael: I said breathe!\nMichael: I'm trying!\nVideo Michael: Wait a second, are you listening to music?\nMichael: What?\nVideo Michael: Shut that off!\nMichael: I'm not listening to music!\nVideo Michael: Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin' good! You're lookin' good. [roping Michael in] Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! Michael dance off!\nMichael: Go! Oh, that's nice.\nVideo Michael: Go!\nMichael: Me? Okay.\nErin: Go!\nVideo Michael: Nice! We're gonna calm down later.\nMichael: I'm good.\nErin: Oh, yeah!\nMichael: Oh my God! [sprays champagne on Erin]\nPam: Hey, Dwight, I'm collecting resolution cards.\nDwight: Not doing that.\nPam: Why not?\nDwight: I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best.\nAndy: Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.\nPam: Learn to cook for one!\nAndy: Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.\nPam: Well, maybe you'll meet someone.\nAndy: No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.\nPam: Angela.\nAngela: Yes.\nPam: Make time for romance!\nOscar: Who's the senator?\nAngela: My boyfriend.\nOscar: Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused, because you accidentally wrote 'the senator'.\nAngela: Ugh.\nDwight: Wait, it's that easy? That's not a resolution, that's just... something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that... [sticks note card on board, makes trumpet sound] My resolution is... meet a loose woman.\nAngela: Oh, God.\nAndy: That's a good one.\nDwight: Yeah.\nAndy: You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.\nDwight: Awesome.\nDarryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa...'\nAndy: The bookstore?\nDwight: It's that easy?\nDarryl: I'll come with you, show you how it's done.\nDwight: Okay, I'll drive.\nDarryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.\nMichael: Hello! Oh, somebody's got a new phone!\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: That is neat.\nHolly: I got it for Christmas. I'm so out of my league here.\nMichael: [imitating E.T.] E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?\nHolly: [imitating E.T.] Holly misses old phone.\nMichael: [imitating E.T.] Why?\nHolly: [imitating E.T.] New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception.\nMichael: [imitating E.T.] Bummer.\nHolly: [imitating E.T.] Bummer.\nMichael: [imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces.\nHolly: [imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces?\nKelly: Oh, God, please stop!\nMichael: I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible. [slams phone on desk, phone breaks]\nHolly: [reaches for her cell phone] Oh, I should get this. Hey! Oh, no, don't go see that one, I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too. All right.\nMichael: Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is. I can't figure it out. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?\nPam: I don't think so.\nMichael: When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him?\nPam: No.\nMichael: But you did still love him.\nPam: I'm not... I'm not going to have...\nMichael: Do you love him now?\nPam: No! Just talk to her.\nMichael: No. She'd just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. [disgusted voice] Oh, hi friend! Blegh.\nPhyllis: I'll talk to her, Michael.\nMichael: You think she'd talk to you?\nPhyllis: Why wouldn't she?\nMichael: That's true. She's really nice. She'd talk to anybody. Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out?\nPam: There's a plan.\nAndy: All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel.\nDwight: I'll take the entirety of the second floor.\nDarryl: I got that cutie behind the counter.\nBookstore employee: Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.\nDarryl: Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold like, ten books at once.\nBookstore employee: Actually, it's ten thousand.\nDarryl: Holy [bleep], what? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant.\nAndy: Hi.\nCustomer: Hi.\nDwight: Welcome.\nAndy: Let us know if you need anything.\nCustomer: Thanks.\nAndy: Why did we pretend like we work here?\nDwight: Is that what we were doing?\nDarryl: Hey, how'd you do?\nAndy: Good!\nDwight: Good. Real good.\nDarryl: Really?\nDwight: Yeah, yeah!\nAndy: We kinda nailed it.\nDwight: Yeah, pretty much. But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out, so. Let's roll.\nDarryl: Cool.\nDwight: Okay. What'd you get?\nDarryl: A book about oceans.\nDwight: Oh, really? What else? Let me see.\nDarryl: No, that's uh. Porn. Pornography. Old lady... nasty... porn.\nPhyllis: [whispering] Follow my lead. Hey, want some company?\nErin: Want some company?\nHolly: Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks?\nPhyllis: Oh, really good, I went to Portugal.\nErin: I went to Portugal.\nHolly: Oh, wow... you went together?\nPhyllis: No.\nErin: No.\nPhyllis: So, I've just gotta know. What's going on with you and AJ?\nHolly: Nothing really happened. I mean, I know I made a big deal about this whole New Year's deadline, but um, it came and went... and, we're still together.\nPhyllis: You didn't break up with AJ at all? I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?\nHolly: It just wasn't fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place. The whole thing is totally my fault. But we're going to be just fine. Just fine.\nDarryl: Whoa! Hold on.\nDwight: I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.\nDarryl: [Dwight heads toward a strip club] Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.\nDwight: Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.\nDarryl: I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.\nDwight: Well, we can't just go back, I mean, we came out to meet women.\nAndy: Hey, there's a roller rink across the street! There's always chicks at the rink.\nDarryl: What kind of chicks are you going to meet there?\nAndy: I don't know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten year reunion parties.\nDwight: Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.\nAndy: Roller derby practice!\nDarryl: We're going skating.\nPam: The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who's been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it.\nErin: Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.\nPam: Cool! Here's a little 'way to go' gift from Sabre. [tosses Erin a Frisbee]\nGabe: Intercepted!\nErin: Hey! Gabe.\nGabe: Whoops.\nPam: Creed. I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board. What's yours?\nCreed: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.\nPam: How is it going?\nCreed: I'm having a little trouble motivating.\nPam: One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them. In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February.\nMichael: Or sooner.\nPam: Yeah.\nMichael: That's not a joke.\nPam: But that's okay. Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've fudged on some of our resolutions?\nKevin: Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet. But it's okay. I still have time, since last year, I ate none.\nPam: Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine.\nMichael: Is it?\nPam: Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.\nMichael: Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere.\nKevin: Well not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott.\nMichael: What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!\nCreed: Well, I can't, I don't know how.\nMichael: You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone? Loser.\nCreed: My tombstone's already made, thank you.\nMichael: Just do a cartwheel!\nErin: This is all I could find.\nMichael: [holding broccoli in front of Kevin] Eat it.\nPam: You don't have to do that, Kevin.\nKevin: I don't know. I'm glad this is happening. Thank you, Michael.\nKelly: Why are you eating stem first?\nKevin: This is a new food for me, how else should I eat it?\nRyan: The other way.\nKevin: Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise?\nMichael: No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go.\nPam: Oh, Michael.\nMichael: Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.\nKevin: God, I hate it.\nMichael: I don't care whether you hate it! You said you'd do it!\nAngela: All right!\nMichael: Eat it!\nKelly: You're killing him, Michael!\nMichael: All right, all right, shh!\nKevin: All right, I ate the fluffy part, can I be done?\nMichael: Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. [reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out] Oh, God! You guys are pathetic.\nKevin: Can I get some candy, or something?\nMichael: No! You can't have any candy!\nOscar: I'll get him water.\nPam: Okay, Michael, just settle down.\nMichael: [imitating E.T.] Holly Flax.\nHolly: Yes, Michael?\nMichael: [imitating E.T.] Not Michael, E.T.\nHolly: What's up?\nMichael: Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there.\nHolly: Oh, no, Michael, I don't want to talk about it with you. I mean, I'm fine, I just... I don't want to talk about it.\nMichael: Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room.\nCreed: You think?\nMichael: And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax.\nKevin: You were super mean.\nMichael: It was insensitive and I am sorry.\nKevin: It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.\nMichael: I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies... I... care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.\nKevin: Okay, Michael, no offense, but you need to get your own life.\nMichael: You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends.\nCreed: I don't think I'm there yet, Boss.\nKevin: Well, I am. [hugs Michael]\nMichael: Okay, oh! All right.\nKevin: I'm going to help you.\nMichael: Okay.\nDJ: [at the skating rink]Hey, uh. It's just you. Anything you want to hear?\nAndy: Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only.\nDJ: Okay. [Ants Go Marching starts playing]\nAndy: I said no hits!\nRyan: I just feel blocked. Like I'm living, but I'm not...\nKevin: Hey, Ryan.\nRyan: Yeah.\nKevin: How's your fart project coming?\nRyan: That's real, real classy, Kevin. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?\nKevin: Me.\nPam: Kevin, don't! Come on!\nKelly: Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine!\nPam: Yeah, just a little, I have a lot to deal with today.\nMeredith: [holding a pack of cigarettes] Well, if you don't have to do 'em...\nKelly: Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant!\nRyan: Okay, no.\nKelly: My resolution was to get more attention.\nRyan: No, she's lying.\nKevin: Hey, Ryan. [taps board, makes farting noise]\nErin: One, two, three. [does cartwheel] I did it! I did a cartwheel!\nCreed: [bleep] you! [bleep] you! God!\nPam: Okay, that's it.\nPam: [throws resolution board away in dumpster] Lesson learned.\nDarryl: Sup?\nAndy: Hey! Where did you go?\nDarryl: To the arcade.\nAndy: Oh, cool.\nDarryl: Why, did you meet someone?\nAndy: Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him.\nDarryl: Right on, son.\nDwight: Gentlemen.\nAndy: And where did you go?\nDwight: Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.\nDarryl: Right.\nDJ: So, that's it, guys? If you want, I can put on the strobe.\nDwight: Yeah!\nErin: You want to keep this?\nMichael: No.\nErin: Do you want to keep this?\nMichael: Yup.\nErin: Do you want to keep this?\nMichael: You can toss them.\nMichael: My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.\nHolly: We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine... just fine... just fine... just fine...\nHolly: I just think we need to cool things down for awhile. Yeah, a break. At least until I get back to Nashua. Yeah, I'm sure.\nMichael: Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where you're going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.\nCreed: Mmmhm.\nMichael: You ready to do this?\nCreed: Yes, sir.\nMichael: You know what? I'm going to stay here as long as it takes.\nCreed: I really appreciate it, Boss.\nMichael: It's about you. It's about you. Go!\nCreed: I did it!\nMichael: You did?\nCreed: The perfect cartwheel.\nMichael: Okay.\nCreed: What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.\nMichael: Congratulations. All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow."}
{"text": "David Brent: Oh, sorry, mate.\nMichael: [English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.\nDavid: [laughing] What you doing?\nMichael: English?\nDavid: You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.\nMichael: Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?\nDavid: Yeah big time, yeah.\nMichael: I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah.\nDavid: Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?\nMichael: Michael Scott.\nDavid: Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.\nMichael: [laughing]\nDavid: Herrow! Herrow!\nMichael: I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!\nDavid: You can't do that these days. You can't.\nMichael: No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.\nDavid: No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. [laughs]. [hugs Michaels] Ohh.\nMichael: That's good. Pleasure to meet you.\nDavid: Where are you working?\nMichael: Dunder Mifflin.\nDavid: Any jobs now?\nMichael: No, not right now.\nDavid: Just let me know.\nMichael: All right. See you around.\nDavid: All right.\nMichael: Bye-bye. What a nice guy.\nErin: Your first student is here, Mister Bernard.\nAndy: That's actually 'Master of Ceremonies' Bernard.\nAndy: Last year, I went to a seminar called 'The Ten Secrets of Real Estate'. Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.\nErin: Oh it's... [points to conference room]\nMichael: [enters] [in a gruff voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar.\nErin: Michael?\nMichael: Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos.\nErin: Ooh. Wait, Michael?\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character 'Mikanos', is just a little added flava. 'Mikanos' is loosely based on another character I do, 'Spiros', who is more about the ladies.\nAndy: Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.\nJim: Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win.\nAndy: Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.\nJim: Wow. [sees guy at Erin's desk] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar.\nAndy: No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy,\nJim: I know.\nAndy: If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night.\nJim: I'm really sorry. I can't do it.\nAndy: You can't. You can't.\nAndy: I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.\nJim: Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over?\nPam: What's going on? Do you know that guy?\nJim: I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office.\nDwight: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nDwight: [to Erin] How are the marks?\nDwight: What are some of your small business ideas?\nOlder guy: I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts.\nPhyllis, Stanley, Dwight: Oooh!\nDwight: That's great. There's a big, big future in that.\nPhyllis: A lot of mines in Scranton.\nDwight: Um, what about you?\nYounger Guy: Uh, credit cards.\nDwight: Uh-huh.\nYounger Guy: My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction.\nDwight: Wow!\nYounger Guy: Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents.\nDwight: Right. Okay? Great.\nStanley: Great.\nDwight: You promised us whales. These are worms.\nAndy: They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter.\nStanley: I'm out.\nAndy: Stanley, you're suppose to close.\nPhyllis: I'm out too.\nAndy: What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.\nDwight: We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.\nMichael: You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and...\nHolly: Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that.\nMichael: Okay.\nMichael: Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.\nMichael: [as Mikanos] If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos?\nHolly: Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian.\nMichael: Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.\nHolly: Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.\nMichael: Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that.\nErin: [muttering] Down... there. [to Pam] Is 'jlp' a word?\nPam: Jelp?' J-e-l-p?\nErin: No, j-l-p. Like, 'I jlp... I jlp you!'\nPam: I don't think that's a word.\nErin: I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game.\nErin: The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen 'The Shining', 'Rosemary's Baby', 'The Ring'. Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything.\nPam: You want some help?\nErin: Really?\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nErin: Yes.\nPam: K-a. 'Ka'? What does 'ka' mean?\nOscar: It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play 'moo'?\nErin: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing 'moo', I'm playing 'milk'. Whatever it takes.\nOscar: Okay, but look, you could have hit 'mood'. Would have played a...\nErin: Uh...\nOscar: A triple word.\nErin: Like the cow mood yesterday. God.\nOscar: Or moon.\nErin: The cow jumped over the moon.\nOscar: She's stuck on that one thing.\nPam: No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?\nAndy: Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.\nKevin: Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.\nAndy: Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.\nKevin: Then I won't let you down.\nKelly: Cake.\nRyan: In you go.\nAndy: Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?\nRyan: Yup.\nAndy: I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.\nRyan: And?\nAndy: Can you do it?\nRyan: Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that.\nAndy: So no?\nRyan: No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment.\nKelly: Oh, baby.\nAndy: What do I put you down for, bro hombre?\nRyan: Yes.\nAndy: All right!\nRyan: Yes, I'll do it.\nAndy: Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome.\nRyan: And if I flake, I flake.\nAndy: What?\nAndy: Kevin, you open it up.\nKevin: Yep.\nAndy: Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three!\nKevin: Go.\nCreed: Creed! Ha!\nAndy: Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.\nOlder Woman: Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.\nAndy: Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, 'Don't Just Dream it, do it.' Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. [plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train]\nKevin: [running laps around the conference room] Yes!\nKevin: There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type.\nKevin: [out of breath] Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. [coughing] And then double it! [coughing].\nAndy: Are you okay?\nKevin: No. Yes!\nAndy: Here...\nKevin: No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. [coughing] [vomiting]. Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! [runs out of room]\nAndy: I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...\nKelly: But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.\nAndy: What are you...\nKelly: Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.\nKelly: It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. 'The Business Bitch', 'The Diet Bitch', 'The Shopping Bitch', 'The Etiquette Bitch.'\nKelly: I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.\nProfessor Powell: Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.\nKelly: Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.\nProfessor Powell: Uh, why?\nKelly: Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?\nProfessor Powell: Um, there aren't really ten secrets.\nKelly: Come on Scott, please? It's me.\nProfessor Powell: Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.\nKelly: Mm-hmm.\nAndy: That brilliant little bitch.\nOscar: A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that 'q' right there.\nErin: Wait. Why?\nOscar: Put the 'q' there, sweetie.\nPam: I think there's better...\nOscar: Put the 'q' there! [phone rings] Sorry I yelled.\nPam: You could have just told us what you were thinking.\nOscar: There's no theater in that.\nPam: There's no yelling in that, either.\nOscar: Well...\nHolly: What do you do in your free time?\nMichael: [as Mikanos] Practice Olympics.\nHolly: Mmm. Do you like movies?\nMichael: [as Mikanos] I like the musical 'Grease', or as we call it, 'home'.\nHolly: We have to try this out on somebody.\nMichael: [as Mikanos] Hello.\nHank: Look, you want to order something?\nMichael: She will have a greekaccino.\nHank: I don't know what that is.\nMichael: It...\nHolly: [with accent] It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.\nMichael: [laughs] I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk!\nHolly: No more brain damage.\nMichael: No more brain damage!\nHolly: Ahh!\nHolly: I don't know.\nAndy: Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause]\nCreed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?\nAndy: [clapping] Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour.\nGabe: I picked out our movie. It's called 'Suspiria'. It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.\nErin: When I win...\nGabe: Ooh.\nErin: We're gonna watch 'Wall-e', where all the boundaries of color are pushed.\nGabe: It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some 'Slumdog Millionaire' scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible.\nDwight: So what's your crazy business pipe dream?\nGuy: Well, I started my own golf supply company.\nDwight: [unimpressed] Really?\nGuy: It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.\nDwight: [quietly] Phyllis?\nPhyllis: Hmm?\nDwight: Some of these people are for real.\nDwight: Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.\nAndy: Thank you.\nDwight: Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?\nAndy: Really?\nDarryl: Ahem!\nAndy: Excuse me.\nDwight: I got it. I got it.\nAndy: [turning towards Darryl] Hey, do you need a lozenge?\nDarryl: [whispering] They're a bunch of jackals.\nAndy: What?\nDarryl: They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home.\nAndy: [to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis]: Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.\nAndy: Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. [to Michael and Holly] Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on?\nDwight: [whispering] You're gonna blow it.\nAndy: Maybe. Only maybe.\nOscar: We got it! Wow! We got it!\nPam: Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself.\nOscar: Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes.\nErin: Yes.\nOscar: [pulls phone back] Ah. No! [laughing] [hands phone back]. Although I must say, I will have 'apoplexy' if you lose. Do you understand? 'Apoplexy' is what I will have.\nErin: Apoplexy.\nOscar: Yes.\nErin: Got it. [plays word] Oh, Oscar. Oscar?\nErin: I played 'ape.'\nJim: [on phone] I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.\nAndy: Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so...\nMichael: [as Mikanos] Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. [exits conference room] [normal voice] All, you have to close right now.\nAndy: Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.\nMichael: No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it.\nAndy: Yeah, yeah.\nMichael: Andy, what's the problem?\nAndy: This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.\nMichael: You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. [entering conference room] [as Mikanos] What is taking that guy so long?\nJim: Psst. You think this thing's gonna go much longer?\nPam: I don't know. They're still in there.\nJim: Ohh! Good-bye.\nPam: Stop. Out with it.\nPam: Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.\nJim: Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually.\nPam: And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group.\nJim: I was blue group, so it was second from the top.\nPam: And Tom...\nJim: Was in the green group.\nPam: And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence.\nJim: And that's what I told him.\nPam: Right. But how'd you say it?\nJim: My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with.'\nAndy: Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now?\nOlder Woman: I'll take one.\nAndy: Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? [younger guy raises hand] Sold! Anybody else? [older guy raises hand] Yes! All right!\nKelly: Yeah bitch.\nAndy: Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.\nMichael: [quietly] No, no, no.\nAndy: But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime.\nKelly: Whoo!\nTom: Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?\nJim: Yeah, woah. [deeper voice] Yep, absolutely, go ahead.\nTom: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nTom: How's it goin'?\nJim: Pretty good.\nTom: It's been a while.\nJim: It has been, yeah.\nTom: So you work here, huh?\nJim: Sales.\nTom: Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. [laughs]\nJim: [laughs]\nTom: Cause you're so smart.\nJim: Oh, man. You remember that, huh?\nTom: Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius.\nJim: All right, good catch-up.\nTom: Yeah.\nJim: See ya.\nTom: Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?\nDwight: Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya.\nAndy: Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em.\nHolly: [with accent] Wonderful seminar!\nMichael: [as Mikanos] Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on.\nHolly: Michael, I should get back to work.\nMichael: What? Come on. It's time for grapes. [regular voice] Real fun day.\nGabe: So, I won.\nErin: I know. You get to pick.\nGabe: Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch 'Wall-e'.\nErin: Yes?\nGabe: So I got us a compromise. This movie's called 'Hardware'. It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married...\nAndy: Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it.\nErin: There's a 'Shrek' two?!\nAndy: Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow.\nGabe: Nice guy.\nErin: Ohh. [laughs]"}
{"text": "Kelly: Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement.\nErin: Oh my gosh!\nPhyllis: Wow.\nKelly: Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground]\nMeredith: Sweet! Free Ring!\nAndy: Divorced?\nRyan: Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides.\nKelly: The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.\nPam: Wait. Can you back up? What's the story?\nKelly: We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot.\nRyan: It's not irrelevant. Details\nKelly: And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said...\nRyan and Kelly: I don't think I should be married to you anymore.\nKevin: What?\nAndy: Sorry, when did you get married?\nKelly: Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right.\nAndy: And you didn't invite any of us?\nRyan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.\nKelly: God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake.\nRyan: No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.\nOscar: You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're ok with it. We agree it's fine if you got married.\nRyan: No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can!\nKelly: Ryan, I changed my mind.\nRyan: Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side?\nKelly: And who is on my side? [no one raises their hand]\nJim: All right. Bye.\nPam: Bye.\nJim: Let's Go!\nMichael: Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?\nHolly: For what?\nMichael: You broke up with AJ weeks ago.\nHolly: Don't you have a sales call to go on?\nMichael: I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?\nHolly: We don't know that.\nMichael: Sure we do.\nHolly: Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?\nMichael: Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.\nHolly: Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that.\nMichael: Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree.\nHolly: Well you don't have to agree.\nMichael: Yes I do.\nHolly: No you don't.\nMichael: Yes I do.\nHolly: No, you can have your own opinion.\nMichael: I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.\nJim: He's going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with.\nPam: Aw you'll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny 'Jim' game.\nJim: That's it? That's all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today?\nPam: All right, what'd you do?\nJim: Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.\nPam: Where'd you put it?\nJim: Where'd I put what?\nMichael: Let's go.\nJim: Oh, sorry gotta go.\nPam: Say it. Where?\nJim: Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer.\nPam: The fridge.\nJim: Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance.\nPam: The fridge, got it.\nJim: And the final clue...\nMichael: Let's go!\nJim: You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine.\nPam: Bye.\nErin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.\nJim: Cheer up. We made a sale.\nMichael: Just drive faster. I want to get back.\nJim: Well, I'm going the speed limit. So...\nMichael: Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.\nJim: Someone's in a bad mood.\nMichael: No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim?\nJim: Alright, let me turn on some music.\nMichael: I need to pee.\nJim: No you don't.\nMichael: Yeah, I do. My word against yours.\nJim: Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes.\nMichael: What part of 'I need to pee' do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.\nJim: Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I'll pull over.\nMichael: Well I hope I make it.\nJim: Hello?\nHelen: Hi Jim, it's Helen.\nJim: Hey Helen. Is everything ok?\nHelen: Everything is fine. Baby's fine. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about.\nJim: Ok...\nHelen: A tiny thing. I locked her in the car.\nJim: What?\nHelen: She's smiling. She's happy.\nJim: Oh my God.\nHelen: Jim, I don't have a spare key.\nJim: Just stay there. I'll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out but I have to go because it's an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please?\nGuy: [towards bathroom] Hello? [gives up and drives off]\nPam: This is Pam.\nJim: Hey it's me. So uh, don't worry. Everything's ok.\nPam: What's wrong?\nJim: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you?\nPam: Jim, what?\nJim: Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car.\nPam: Oh God! What?!\nJim: No no no it's ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She's laughing and she's happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra.\nPam: Ok. She's ok?\nJim: Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet.\nPam: Understood.\nJim: And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.\nPam: Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a 'Ask Pam Beasley'. ... Did the phone cut off?\nJim: Nope.\nPam: Alright, just call me after the doctor.\nJim: Ok. Bye.\nPam: Bye.\nMichael: I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted.\nAttendant: No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away.\nMichael: There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!\nAttendant: Just make it quick.\nMichael: Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it?\nAttendant: You don't know it.\nMichael: You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number.\nAttendant: He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away.\nMichael: Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Ok.\nHolly: It's the gas station on Benet Street?\nPam: Yeah.\nHolly: Ok.\nErin: You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go?\nHolly: Oh no no no. I'll be fine.\nErin: It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along.\nDwight: Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.\nPam: Cute. [enters office area] Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good.\nOscar: Which on in particular?\nAndy: Yeah, which one?\nPam: Well the first one has a surprise factor. 'I'm a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!'\nAndy: Boo-yea! [office laughs]\nGabe: No no. No no no.\nPam: But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line.\nOscar: You suppose?\nDarryl: What's it say?\nOscar: I'm suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again.'\nGabe: Ok. [office laughs] No no no.\nKevin: Red gloves.\nDarrly: Keep it real.\nPam: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.\nDarryl: And I will take you all down.\nAndy: You?\nDarryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.\nAndy: Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton.\nPam: Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea. Ok, it will just take me ten minutes.\nAndy: Woo-hoo.\nKevin: I can't wait.\nDwight: Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial.\nErin: He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox.\nAttendant: Yeah, he just left.\nHolly: Which way did he go?\nDwight: Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.\nHolly: Oh really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?\nAttendant: She's right. He went that way.\nDwight: Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. [Dwight and Erin low-five] Let's ride.\nMichael: [at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously.\nPam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.\nDwight: Has Michael checked in?\nPam: Oh, hey Dwight.\nDwight: I asked you a question.\nPam: No, he hasn't.\nDwight: Goodbye.\nPam: No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought...\nDwight: Pam, this isn't a shopping trip.\nErin: No.\nDwight: This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.\nPam: Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out...\nDwight: Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up.\nPam: Ok, well it wasn't obvious so... [phone hangs up]\nDwight: No word from Michael.\nHolly: Oh.\nPam: Ta-da!\nKevin: Ok, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island.\nOscar: Ok. I got one.\nPam: Yeah?\nOscar: Yes!\nGabe: Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down.\nOffice: Boo!\nMeredith: Why?\nGabe: Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed.\nDarryl: Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.\nGabe: Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for.\nOscar: Irony is such a critical...\nGabe: Number two: no pop culture references.\nPam: Seriously?\nOscar: Wow.\nGabe: I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.\nDarryl: Wrap it up, Gabe.\nGabe: Ok final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre.\nGabe: Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day.\nGabe: Go get 'em. Start quipin'.\nOscar: Pam, I think I'm going to send you an IM.\nPam: Oh! Ok.\nDarryl: Send me one too.\nAndy: Yeah, yeah. Put me on that.\nPhyllis: C.C\nKevin: Ditto.\nMichael: Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog.\nHot Dog Guy: I'm not a pawn shop.\nMichael: Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.\nHot Dog Guy: Wow.\nMichael: With that I can buy... half the menu.\nHot Dog Guy: I can't just go giving away hot dogs.\nMichael: All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell?\nHot Dog Guy: Throw 'em away.\nMichael: Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?\nHot Dog Guy: No.\nMichael: Okay. You've just lost my business.\nDwight: Hey.\nErin: Hey, you were in there forever.\nDwight: There's too many brands. Where's Holly?\nErin: She wandered off like an idiot.\nDwight: Hey!\nHolly: Hey.\nDwight: What are you doing?\nHolly: Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now.\nCell Phone Sales Person: Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original.\nHolly: What?\nCell Phone Sales Person: You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.\nDwight: Tootenbacher.\nErin: Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that...\nDwight and Erin: farts popcorn.\nDwight: Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?\nHolly: Are their egg rolls really that big?\nMichael: Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?\nWaiter: No problem.\nMichael: Okay. I'll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people.\nWaiter: So you can't pay for your food?\nMichael: Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing.\nWaiter: You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much.\nMichael: Well the number three is not such a giant feast.\nWaiter: [calling to the back] Mr. Chu!\nMicahel: Okay, all right. You know what?\nWaiter: You were trying to steal food from us?\nMichael: I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now.\nWaiter: You can't. We'll stop you.\nMichael: Well, I think I can get through the door.\nDwight: Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian...\nErin: [point to picture] It's Michael!\nWaiter: He just left.\nErin: You knew.\nHolly: What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying?\nDwight: Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know?\nWaiter: I think he was heading downtown.\nDwight: He's heading downtown.\nGabe: So what, no one's even gonna try?\nPam: Guess not.\nGabe: Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive.\nDarryl: You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. [notification tone] [laughter]\nGabe: Hey...\nStanley: [whispers] Click the 'x'\nPhyllis: [whispers] I'm clicking!\nStanley: In the box.\nPhyllis: I am clicking.\nStanley: Woman, you've had a computer for years!\nAndy: Phyllis!\nGabe: Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don't want to be your babysitter.\nAndy: Oooohhh.\nGabe: Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.' [laughter]\nKevin: Nice!\nGabe: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.\nAndy: Do the next one.\nGabe: Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.'\nDarryl: Dreaming he's a dog on a island.\nGabe: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?\nPhyllis: Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?\nGabe: Umm... 'You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here.' Ha.\nOscar: That's tasteless, Gabe.\nGabe: Tasteless?\nOscar: Tasteless.\nGabe: More tasteless than this...'is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it.' [laughter]\nPam: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.\nPhyllis: Yes.\nKevin: Yes, well done!\nOscar: Who's is it? Who wrote that?\nPhyllis: Yeah, who wrote it?\nAngela: Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.\nErin: Where did he go, Holly?\nHolly: I have no idea.\nDwight: Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, 'this way, this way'?\nHolly: I don't know.\nDwight: Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you!\nHolly: Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all.\nDwight: All right then. Someone propose a plan.\nErin: Okay. We fan out...\nDwight: Not you, Erin.\nHolly: Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let's just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below.\nDwight: That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.\nHolly: Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him.\nErin: Good. We don't need her.\nDwight: Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling.\nHolly: [walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael] Michael?\nMichael: Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here?\nHolly: What are you doing up here?\nMichael: I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.\nHolly: Dunder Mifflin.\nMichael: Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much.\nHolly: I missed you too.\nMichael: Really?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: Can I kiss you?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: Okay.\nPhyllis: Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading.\nGabe: Uh, it was.\nMeredith: Maybe it wasn't.\nGabe: Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe.'\nAndy: Oh! [laughter]\nPhyllis: No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going.\nGabe: I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull[bleep]. [laughter] 'Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo.'\nAndy: [laughs]\nGabe: Gabe's mom... hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her.'\nPhyllis: Yeah, there you go. [laughter]"}
{"text": "Pam: Hey. How you doing?\nDarryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot.\nPam: Yeah.\nDarryl: She was about to turn 97.\nPam: At least she lived a very long and I'm sure, a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.\nDarryl: Thank you. 'Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted.' 'Have fun today, big guy.' 'Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop.'\nPam: It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday.\nDarryl: Hooray. Live it up big D. ' 'Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this'?\nAndy: Birthday punches! [softly punching Darryl in the stomach] One two three four five sice seven eight!\nPam: I'm so sorry.\nDarryl: [tears welling up in his eyes]\nAndy: ...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...\nAndy: ...So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and I'm taking Rachel. She's picking me up after work.\nDarryl: Rachel from the party?\nAndy: Oh, yeah!\nDarryl: Nice. Do the damn thing. - Pow! [they fist bump and explode]\nPhyllis: Blue Wasabi is so good, but get the cheeseburger. They say they won't do it, but they will if you make a scene.\nHolly: Okay, bye. Okay, bye. [kisses Michael] I'll miss you.\nMichael: Miss you. Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me.\nHolly: Bye.\nMichael: Okay, bye. Bye. All right, bye. Bye... bye.\nHolly: Okay, one more quick one.\nMichael: Don't go. I don't want you to go. Oh don't go. Don't go.\nMichael: Holly and I are dating. It's been a week, and I still can't believe it. [sighs] It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can't work for it. It just comes to you.\nGabe: And what do we have here?\nErin: From my secret admirer. That's you!\nGabe: Come on.\nGabe: I dominate Valentine's Day. I practically make romance into a science.\nErin: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue.' Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic scavenger hunt!\nGabe: Oh, close. It's a romantic treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse. Good luck.\nErin: But, there's no clue.\nGabe: Well, get to work.\nErin: I can't, 'cause there's no clue.\nGabe: The puzzle is the clue.\nErin: Oh.\nOscar: [clears throat]\nMichael: [rubbing hands with Holly] Are these numbers correct?\nOscar: The numbers are correct, Michael.\nMichael: Okay.\nOscar: [clears throat more loudly]\nMichael: Are you... are you sick, Oscar? Do you need to go home? 'Cause you're grossing me out.\nOscar: I jus... I just need a signature.\nJim: [getting out of a taxi] There you go. Thanks.\nPam: How much did you give him?\nJim: Big tip.\nPam: Wait. I don't have my scarf.\nJim: What?\nPam: I'm missing my scarf. Oh. [both laugh]\nJim: We decided to have a Valentine's day lunch and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece and avoid the Valentine's day dinner thing. It's a whole thing.\nPam: [loudly] Yeah, lunch was wonderful!\nJim: Shh.\nPam: Um, there was an amazing buffet and there was a chocolate fondue... station. And what else was there?\nJim: Um, bottomless champagne.\nPam: Yes. Never found that bottom, did we?\nJim: No.\nErin: Psst! Psst!\nAndy: What's up?\nErin: Are you good at jigsaw puzzles?\nAndy: Are you kidding me? It's all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing.\nErin: Okay.\nAndy: But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe, I should probably...\nErin: Oh! No, no, no, no. It's not weird at all. You have your new girlfriend. I have Gabe. This is just as friends.\nAndy: Well, okay then.\nErin: Yes!\nAndy: At least until Stanley calms down.\nErin: Oh, is he...\nAndy: D...d...d...d...don't look. I accidentally did his Sudoku. [Stanley glares at Andy]\nErin: Andy.\nJim: [on phone] All right, I will fax over it to you. Whoop. I will fax it over to you. Okay. Thank you. [chuckles]\nDwight: Okay, my name is j...j...j...j...j...j...j...j Jim Halpert and I will fax it in to you... under you. I'll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just p...p...p...p pissed my pants. Not really. I didn't really. [clears throat]\nJim: [goes to hand Dwight a valentines card] Wait.\nDwight: You're just filling that out right now. That wasn't meant for me. I will not be your Valentine.\nJim: Aww, nuts. [laughs]\nAngela: I don't know if anyone else feels this way and don't get me wrong, I love Michael and Holly, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but... the PDA.\nOscar: Yes! The freaking PDA!\nAngela: Uh-huh.\nOscar: Thank you! I mean, I'm thrilled for them.\nAngela: No one is more thrilled for them than I am...\nOscar: Yes, yes, absolutely.\nAngela: ...but it's totally inappropriate.\nDarryl: Yeah, it's a little much.\nPhyllis: Mm-hmm.\nDarryl: Obviously, so happy for them both.\nOscar: So happy. Yeah.\nKevin: I don't know, guys. I, for one, enjoy watching them, because...\nAngela: No, stop! Just don't.\nOscar: Kevin!\nKevin: Can I finish? Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying...I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny.\nEveryone: [groans]\nAngela: God! Kevin!\nErin: So tell me about your new girlfriend.\nAndy: She's neat. Uh, I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.\nErin: Aww, cute.\nAndy: Hey, look at that. Done.\nErin: That's Gabe's boom box. Come on. We have to go find it.\nAndy: I wish you well on your quest.\nErin: No, come on.\nAndy: Aww, I mean...\nErin: [growling] Come on!\nAndy: Okay.\nErin: Ha!\nGabe: [to Toby] I hear them kissing all the time. It's this horrible plipping sound. You know, it's like Chinese water torture. Just...[makes popping sound] like it's coming from my own head.\nMichael: Sit. Okay, just close your eyes. [massaging Holly's back]\nHolly: Ohh. Can you get lower?\nMichael: Oh, yeah.\nHolly: A little lower.\nHolly: I cannot keep myself from Michael. Everything he does is sexy. He has this undeniable animal magnetism. He's a jungle cat. The man exudes sex. He can put both his legs behind his head.\nGabe: Thank you all for meeting on such sort notice.\nMichael: [clears throat]\nGabe: Yes?\nMichael: [sitting in Holly's lap] Yes. Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. What is the purpose of this meeting?\nGabe: Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, I felt it would be apropos to have a little refresher course on romance in the workplace.\nMichael: Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on.\nGabe: First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something you'd expect to hear from corporate. Well, guess what. Sabre is 100% tolerant of office romances.\nRyan: Speaking of, Gabe, I don't see Erin at this meeting.\nMeredith: Uh, I also don't see Andy.\nKevin: Oooh.\nJim: OOH! Boom! Face!\nGabe: I get it. Andy's slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of, however, is public displays of affection, or PDAs. PDAs are totally superfluous to a happy, healthy office romance. Perfect example. Look at Jim and Pam.\nPam: Yeah. What? Us?\nGabe: They don't touch. They don't kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife.\nJim: Did it!\nPam: Yeah!\nJim: Love it. Keep it goin.\nGabe: Okay. So, PDAs. That's gonna include behaviors such as hugging, kissing, uh...\nKevin: Booby honking.\nGabe: Yeah, booby honking. Sure.\nKevin: Butt honking.\nGabe: Butt honking. Yeah, all the honking.\nCreed: The one where you start in a crouches position, then you leap...\nGabe: Sure. Basically, there's no precise definition, but you know it when you see it. Ahem.\nOscar: Are you guys listening to this?\nMichael: What, are you talking about me and Holly?\nPam: Yeah!\nGabe: Maybe you find your own chair.\nHolly: So we kiss occasionally.\nOscar: Not occasionally. All the time.\nPhyllis: Yeah, and it's not just the kissing. It's the flirtatious whispering.\nStanley: The flirtatious tickling.\nMichael: Whispering and tickling have their place in business.\nDarryl: That thing were you softly exhale on her neck.\nMichael: I... Okay, yeah, that's pretty hot. I will give you that. Look, you are all hypocrites. You all do it.\nDwight: Michael. Confession: I have done PDA in the office.\nMichael: Thank you.\nDwight: I've had intercourse in the office.\nMichael: All right.\nDwight: As has Angela!\nAngela: Dwight!\nDwight: As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed. [Creed smiles and nods] As has Michael and as has Holly.\nKevin: As has Kevin!\nAngela: With who?\nKevin: She goes to another school.\nMichael: Okay. Fine. No more PDA.\nOscar: Good.\nMichael: You win. But here's what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone.\nAngela: No.\nMichael: Anything goes.\nOscar: Just leave it how you said...\nDwight: Michael, that's absurd. What if two couples want to go at the same time?\nMichael: Okay, then we have two closets. No, no, we're gonna have three closets, one for each base, no homers. Yes?\nDwight: And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation?\nMichael: Pro.\nDwight: Yes!\nMichael: What? Problem solved.\nMichael: No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises.\nPam: That's weird. I mean, that's weird to have sex in the office. That's where you work, right?\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nPam: You know, you're in a meeting, and nobody knows that you've had sex there, except for you and him.\nJim: [snorts] Ew.\nErin: Don't mind us. You keep working.\nDarryl: Okay. I'll keep working.\nErin: Oh, my God. It's a song.\nAndy: Whoa.\nErin: What do you think is on it?\nAndy: [softy] We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad.\nErin: [softly] Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us.\nAndy: I think he can hear us.\nAndy: [softly] That makes sense, 'cause I feel like I'd be able to hear us at this level.\nErin: Darryl.\nAndy: Darryl is a jerk.\nErin: No, he's not.\nAndy: No, I'm just testing if he can hear.\nDarryl: I can hear you.\nAndy: Oh. Okay.\nErin: Okay. Then no more talking. Let's just play the song.\nBoom Box: [Gabe singing] The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night.\nAndy: The temp at night?\nErin: What do you...\nDarryl: You got it. Pick it up. Take it out.\nAndy: Pi...\nDarryl: Pick it up.\nAndy: Okay.\nDarryl: Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Take it out.\nAndy: Right. Okay.\nHolly: Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to collect my things.\nMichael: Ah, the old 'leave behind.' Oldest trick in the book. Good thing it's working.\nHolly: Oh, no. Michael, I don't want to make people uncomfortable.\nMichael: Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean, I don't... I don't sit on your lap because it's comfortable. I sit on your lap because I like the way your thighs feel on my butt.\nHolly: Yeah, but if they're uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.\nMichael: Oh. Okay. Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, then we'll stop.\nHolly: Okay.\nMichael: Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.\nMichael: Hey, you know why people here are complaining? They are jealous of two people in love on Valentine's Day.\nHolly: Two people in love?\nMichael: I love you.\nHolly: Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you love me? We've only been dating for a week. Do you mean you love me like, 'oh, hey, there's Holly. I love that girl.' Or you do you mean you love me like you love me-love me?\nMichael: I love you-love you.\nHolly: Wow, you love me-love me. I love you-love you. [both laugh]\nMichael: I am really disappointed in the office's policy on PDA at this moment. I love you. [shakes Holly's hand]\nHolly: I love you.\nMichael: Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me.\nAndy: Okay, Ryan's the temp. What does he do at night?\nErin: I guess we just have to wait until night and see.\nAndy: Oh, or maybe not. [turns out the lights]\nErin: [gasps] Oh. Cool.\nAndy: How romantic is this?\nErin: Super romantic.\nAndy: Right. Do you see a clue or...\nErin: Yeah. Did you not see it? ['Eat at Hanks' is written in glow-in-the-dark letters above the door]\nAndy: Oh, my gosh.\nErin: Hanks.\nJim and Pam: Hey!\nAndy and Erin: [bursting out of Ryan's closet] Hey.\nAndy: No time to chat.\nErin: Sorry.\nJim: Well, we were just looking for Ryan, so he's not here.\nRyan: Hey. You're looking for me?\nPam: Oh, yeah, we were. We were just looking to say hi. So hey.\nRyan: No you weren't.\nPam: No, we weren't.\nRyan: You wanted to have sex in my office.\nPam: No.\nJim: Definitely not. That's disgusting.\nRyan: No. It's... it's cool. Just try to put everything back were you found it. Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here.\nJim: Hey, you don't have to...\nPam: That was so embarrassing. I'm gonna die.\nJim: That was really rough.\nPam: Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office.\nJim: No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place.\nPam: Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed.\nJim: And a shower.\nMichael: Hello, Holly.\nHolly: Hello.\nMichael: Here, shake. No!\nHolly: No, don't touch.\nMichael: No, we can't.\nHolly: No touching.\nMichael: No touching. Ah, I'm trying not to touch you.\nHolly: Oh.\nMichael: Oh.\nHolly: Almost got you.\nMichael: Oh, no, so close. Oh. No, we can't do that. We can't do this. Ohh.\nHolly: You're not touching me.\nMichael: I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it.\nOscar: Okay, this is much worse than before.\nKevin: Yeah, I agree. This is nasty.\nMichael: Grab you here.\nHolly: And here.\nMichael: I will grab you here anyway. [laughs]\nGabe: You have to cut it out.\nHolly: Okay.\nMichael: Never.\nHolly: You said you would.\nMichael: I did say I would, but I was wrong. I can't stop. You don't what it is like to love a woman and have her love you back. It is a feeling that cannot and will not, and frankly, cannot be contained.\nGabe: No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two, it's reaching the level of a complex. I can think of three explanations. One: You're taking MDMA. Street name, ecstasy. I've done it, and I know the feeling.\nHolly: No, I don't think so.\nGabe: Number two: You're desperately trying to fit in a whole relationship before Toby comes back from jury duty and Holly has to go back to Nashua. Or three: You're at an age where your sexual climaxes aren't as powerful so you need to overcompensate with foreplay, taboo behavior.\nMichael: Yes, it was that. It's that one.\nHolly: Yes. Number three.\nHolly: Give me all your money and take off your clothes.\nMichael: We're not supposed to PDA.\nHolly: Come one. Nobody's looking. What's wrong?\nMichael: I haven't thought about you having to go back to Nashua.\nHolly: Maybe we didn't want to think about it. We can make it work. We'll date long-distance.\nMichael: That's what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. How's this gonna be any different?\nHolly: We weren't in love last time.\nMichael: I was in love with you.\nHolly: I'm not saying it won't be hard. But we can make it work. That's what she said.\nMichael: [chuckles, sighs]\nErin: Oh. One Erin Special, please.\nHank: Here's your bottle of sparkling cider.\nAndy: Hey.\nErin: [laughs] That's my favorite.\nHank: I'm now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mind-hunt break and look for a heart or some [bleep] in the break room when you're through.\nKevin: [through the window at Michael] Hey, buck up, buddy!\nDarryl: Make that face he likes.\nDwight: Hey. Hey. Come on. You're hurting him.\nMichael: It's like a time bomb...\nDwight: Shh.\nMichael: ...is ticking down. When it goes off, no more kissing. No more hugging.\nDwight: Just hush.\nMichael: Sexual time bomb.\nDwight: Just rock. Shh.\nMichael: [into recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera.\nDwight: Movie idea?\nMichael: No. [into recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard.\nDwight: Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap.\nMichael: No, I can't talk to her. I can't even look at her without thinking about it ending.\nDwight: Kevin! Do more stupid faces.\nKevin: Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces.\nDwight: I don't know.\nMichael: Do the monkey face.\nDwight: Do the monkey face!\nMichael: I love that. I love that face.\nDwight: Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down.\nMichael: No. The monkey!\nDwight: Go back to the monkey!\nMichael: Don't do the squirrel. Throw your poop.\nDwight: Hurl your feces.\nMichael: That's good.\nDwight: Good.\nMichael: That's good. He's throwing it.\nDwight: They really do that.\nMichael: I know.\nErin: [at vending machine] B-9.\nAndy: B-9.\nErin: Like a benign tumor.\nAndy: Maybe it's just more like, 'be mine.'\nErin: Oh, yes. There's a note. 'A little cookie for you, my miss. But the real treasure is your Valentine's kiss.'\nAndy: Mm.\nErin: Mm. Oh. We're suppose to...mmm [leans in to kiss Andy]\nAndy: Hmm. [points to Gabe blowing a kiss to Erin]\nMichael: Holly. Hey.\nHolly: Hi.\nMichael: Holly, I love you so, so, so much. And I think we need to break up.\nHolly: What? What are you talking about?\nMichael: Actually, it's Valentine's Day. Shouldn't be doing this today. I'll talk to you tomorrow.\nHolly: No, we're gonna talk now. You're not breaking up with me.\nMichael: You're gonna go back to Nashua eventually, and I can't handle it. So let's just...let's...\nHolly: What if I said it wasn't up to them?\nMichael: Who?\nHolly: The company. Nobody knows our future, but it's not gonna be decided by the company. It's not gonna be decided by anybody but us. What we are is up to you and me.\nMichael: Okay. Okay.\nMichael: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. As of today, officially, Holly and I are moving into together. Yay! [claps] Thank you. Thank you. Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend!\nOscar: Are you kidding? I wasn't trying to break you guys up.\nKevin: Better luck next time, pal.\nMichael: Well, the point is, there will no longer be any need for PDA here at the office between us because, when we get home, we are going to make love to and with one another, and that, to me, is the best Valentine's Day present that a person could receive. So I bid you all adieu.\nHolly: You do?\nMichael: I do.\nOscar: Go on. Kiss each other already. [they kiss]\nKevin: Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you.\nOscar: I just told them to do it!\nJim: What?\nPam: No.\nJim: No. We took a walk.\nPam: We took a walk.\nDwight: My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.\nRyan: Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.\nKelly: Flowers, diamonds, three-course meal, violinist comes to my table to serenade me...\nKevin: Pizza, soda, the moon, someone to share it with.\nMichael: What are our plans for tonight? Umm...\nHolly: [imitates a squeaky bed] [laughter]"}
{"text": "Michael: After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.\nMichael: Erin... what are you doing?\nErin: Guys! Guys. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it.\nMichael: That's... That's. Well, don't put words in my mouth.\nJim: Threat Level: Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott.\nPam: We're all in it, from like years and years ago. It's like a home movie.\nJim: Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie!\nPam: Michael screened a work in progress for us, years ago, and it didn't go well. We thought it was a comedy. [flashback clip of Michael angrily leaving the conference room while the whole office is laughing at the tv] Everything pointed to it being a comedy.\nPam: We'd love to see it!\nMichael: Sweet, I will go invite Holly.\nPam: Okay everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive, so let's stay positive! And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy and we'll have a pure fun day! Okay?\nCreed: Thanks mom.\nHolly: You never told me you made a movie.\nMichael: Mhmm! It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom.\nHolly: It's got you.\nMichael: It's got a lot of me.\nHolly: [laughs] I can't wait.\nMichael: Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Midnight. [applause]\nDwight: I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- [robot impression] to be like this! [normally] But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.\nMichael: Dwight does not play a robot.\nDaryl: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it'd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.\nJim: I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.\nDwight: He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?\nJan: He finished his movie? [frantically trying to open her car door, as if trying to get away from the camera crew] No kidding. Wow, that's great. Yeah that's good for him.\nMichael: By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story.\nMichael: That was not scripted.\nKaren: Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?\nJim: [cracking up at the stupidity of it, the rest of the office besides Michael and Holly are concealing their laughter. Pam Is trying to quiet Jim up] Sorry.\nMichael: [turns off the movie from the remote, the office complains]\nJim: I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I think I was just relieved, to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back.\nKelly: Yeah Michael the movie is amazing!\nKevin: It's like one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life.\nRyan: You should enter it in festivals!\nKevin: Or carnivals!\nMichael: [to Holly] Well that's a... pretty good reaction. [Holly nods] Pretty cool, right? Did you like it? Did you like that?\nHolly: Uh... which part?\nMichael: Okay. [Stands up and leaves the conference room to the dismay of the office] No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough...\nAndy: Some people are really popping on screen!\nMichael: Hey.\nHolly: Hey! Good movie.\nMichael: Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great!\nHolly: I loved it.\nMichael: Did you? What did you love about it?\nHolly: Uhm, I loved that you got to work together with all your friends. Isn't that great when you can all work together like that?\nMichael: No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly.\nHolly: Uhm...\nMichael: Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded.\nHolly: Not worried about that.\nMichael: [angrily] It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream.\nHolly: Wha- It's your dream and you never even mentioned it before!\nMichael: I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus.\nHolly: Well why do you have to make a movie at all?\nMichael: Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing.\nHolly: Really, you can't think of anything else that you might have?\nMichael: I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.\nHolly: I'm real.\nMichael: Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you.\nHolly: I love you too.\nMichael: I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans.\nMichael: Who likes Threat Level: Midnight? [applause from the office] Okay then who wants to watch the rest?! [everyone yells approval]\nMichael: We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states.\nJim: [he office shushes Michael to hear the movie better] That's fine, it's great!\nMichael: No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they [chuckles], they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there. [Michael stands up, clearly realizing that his movie is not as great as he thought]\nMichael: Hey...\nHolly: Hey, I'm sorry. It is good.\nMichael: No it's not. [kisses Holly while smiling] It's not. But, they really seem to be enjoying it.\nMichael: [laughs at the stupidity]\nMichael: Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.\nAndy: [the office cheers] Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isn't the president evil?\nMichael: Oh yeah! [laughs] Yes he is!\nDwight: No no, he's doing it to catch the president!\nMichael: No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid. [the office laughs]"}
{"text": "Dwight: I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals.\nKevin: You're eating eight year old tomatoes?\nDwight: They're still good for another week.\nMeredith: You know, I think I have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like. [Jim smiles]\nKevin: I've got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes. [all laugh]\nDwight: Hardy har har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound, you beg, Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?\nJim: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging.\nDwight: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.\nJim: Three months.\nDwight: Could be.\nJim: Four months.\nDwight: I can see that happening, yes.\nJim: Eight months?\nDwight: That's a realistic time line.\nJim: [Pam kisses Jim on the cheek] Eleven months.\nDwight: Perhaps.\nJim: Okay now really think hard about this one: One year.\nDwight: I can see that as a very real possibility.\nJim: [time has obviously passed, as everyone is gone except Jim and Dwight] Four hundred and ninety-four months?\nDwight: I can see that happening.\nJim: Four hundred and ninety-FIVE months. That's just...\nTodd: I really though I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses.\nMichael: Still not seeing the problem here.\nTodd: All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, game-over!\nMichael: It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who's here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly.\nHolly: [walks into conference room with Michael and Todd] Hi!\nMichael: Hi. [Holly and Michael kiss]\nHolly: You must be Todd.\nTodd: [shaking Holly's hand] Whoa! I'm sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston!\nHolly: [laughs oddly] Very funny. Okay let's get started.\nTodd: After you!\nMichael: Oh, Michael! This'll be just us.\nMichael: Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots.\nHolly: All right.\nMichael: And it also helps if you've had five shots.\nHolly: I already have.\nMichael: Whoa!\nJim: [to Michael] Why is Packer back?\nMichael: Is Packer here?\nDwight: Why's he talking to Holly?\nMichael: [peering into conference room] Don't know, don't care.\nHolly: [to Todd] Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves.\nTodd: [excitedly] Oh!\nMichael: [sees Holly and Todd shaking hands in the conference room] Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms.\nKevin: Yes!\nJim: What!?\nTodd: It's great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do!\nKevin: Nice! We got burned!\nMichael: You did! You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.\nDwight: [seething] Holly, you approved this?\nHolly: Yes I did, I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff.\nJim: You did approve it?\nHolly: Yeah.\nKevin: What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you don't know what the word approved means.\nKevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.\nErin: [walking in with Gabe behind her] Sorry we're late. Gabe fell in the shower.\nGabe: I'm such a klutz!\nErin: Yeah, it took the fire department forever to get there. [realizing there's a new computer at her desk. Gets very excited] Oh my God, where did this come from?! Who did this?!\nPam: I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number is one! [laughs sheepishly] Right?\nErin: Thank you Pam.\nPam: Awwh, you're welcome. [they hug] My pleasure.\nJim: [Pam walks over to him and smiles excitedly while bouncing, Jim imitates her] Can I do something for ya?\nPam: I just helped someone out. It feels good.\nJim: Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so...\nPam: So you know the feeling.\nMichael: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.\nDwight: I didn't order anything.\nMichael: And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around and wait for Creed to die.\nDwight: Well there's a lot of seats in the annex.\nMichael: So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here. [Jim looks appalled]\nTodd: Thanks man, it'd mean a lot.\nDwight: I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael.\nTodd: well I was there for twelve years. Plus my name's carved under the desk.\nDwight: No it is not.\nTodd: Is too!\nMichael: [Grunting as he crawls under Dwight's desk. Dwight follows] Let's look at this.\nTodd: Check it out!\nDwight: I don't wanna move desks!\nMichael: Don't be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! [Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk.\nJim: Do I have any say in this?!\nMichael: No!\nTodd: [grunting while humping Michael and Dwight] Don't even watch, Halpert!\nDwight: [in the annex, moving into his new desk. Holds up a red tray with rocks on it] Hey, who's dirt box is this?\nHolly: Oh, that's our Zen garden.\nDwight: What do you grow in here, bullcrap? [puts the tray into the garbage]\nPam: [walking into the annex with Jim] Hey, um...\nHolly: Hey, what's up guys?\nMeredith: Don't what's up us! You think you're so cute, with your pretty blonde hair!\nJim: Whoa, pull it back. Uhm, why did you hire Todd Packer?\nHolly: Uhm.\nPam: He's seriously awful!\nHolly: Michael's recommendation was glowing! And, honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me!\nMeredith: That's how he gets you to take off his panties.\nJim: [Pam starts nodding in agreement] Why are you nodding?\nPam: United front...\nHolly: Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him.\nRyan: Right this isn't the U.S. Government.\nKelly: What are you referencing?\nRyan: [seems unsure] Everything... Everything.\nHolly: Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he's done?\nJim: Well, I mean he humped Michael.\nHolly: Well if that's the case, I guess I've gotta be fired too. [all groan in disgust]\nAndy: [looking at his computer, gasps] Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! [no one moves] Check it out! This guy's on a full beam reach. [watching a sailing video on his computer] They're hiking out like mad! Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Nice job! Ughh. [computer is frozen, taps the top of it] This computer's a hunk of jjunk.\nErin: Hey sailor! Come watch it over here! [pats her new computer]\nAndy: Where did you get this?!\nErin: Pam gave it to me!\nAndy: This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! [to Pam, in a fake British accent] Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them?\nPam: You have a computer Andy.\nAndy: Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So...\nPam: Ok, but listen. We just don't have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.\nAndy: Well Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but...\nPam: Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.\nStanley: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?\nAndy: I'm not asking for one, I need it.\nPhyllis: If you're just handing them out, I want one too.\nAndy: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.\nPam: See, this is what I'm talking about.\nAndy: What are you gonna play mange on faster?\nPam: Sorry Andy.\nTodd: Hey what's going on you guys? [walking into the kitchen with Holly, Dwight, and Kevin, with whom he fist bumps] Yeahh! Three muska-queers!\nKevin: [giggling] Mean but good!\nHolly: So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter.\nTodd: I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom. [Holly is un-amused]\nHolly: Well, some girls go through a phase.\nKevin: Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book!\nTodd: Since when did you learn how to read?\nKevin: I do know how to read though!\nTodd: Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!\nKevin: [Todd leaves. Kevin laughs uncertainly] He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.\nDwight: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer.\nPam: [walking through the office, notices Andy with Erin's computer set up at his desk] What the heck! Why do you have Erin's computer!\nAndy: It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched.\nPam: What? Erin is that true?\nErin: [nods] I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one.\nPam: Erin, it's not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It's not yours to give away.\nAndy: Pam, when I'm freaking out, I just sorta step back and-\nPam: I'm not freaking out, Andy.\nAndy: #NAME?\nPam: Andy, why should she have your crappy computer?\nAndy: That's interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy.\nPam: Switch the computers back Andy.\nAndy: Seriously?\nPam: Seriously.\nAndy: Pam! Come on!\nPam: Now please.\nAndy: Fine! [the office goes back to their work] Please make sure no one is humping me!\nErin: [to Holly who is walking by] Oh! If you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. [picks up an ant farm and tube of ants from her desk, Holly takes them] Thanks.\nMichael: Best day ever. Best day ever!\nHolly: So much happening. [not as excited as Michael]\nMichael: Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?\nHolly: No! No.\nMichael: Please.\nHolly: Did Todd tell you to do that?\nMichael: Yeah, You love him right? [Holly seems unsure] You love him. I can tell.\nHolly: I love you.\nMichael: No. Not me, him.\nHolly: That's certainly opinionated.\nErin: [looking anxious] If you're not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself.\nHolly: Oh I'm going.\nMichael: Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he's funnier than you? Oh honey...\nHolly: I don't think he's funnier than me.\nMichael: He's funnier than me.\nHolly: No, he's not funny at all.\nMichael: So I'm less funny than not funny at all?\nErin: [very anxious at this point] Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other!\nHolly: No, what I'm saying is, he's not funny, but you're funnier than he is.\nMichael: [seems taken aback] Uhm...\nHolly: Ok: Bill Cosby [puts the ant tube high up. Each time she mentions a name it gets lower], Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here [tube takes a jump to the bottom] Todd Packer.\nMichael: That's insane!\nHolly: Honey, he's a jerk.\nErin: [getting up and walking towards them, worriedly] For Pete's sake it just needs to be done! [takes the ant farm and tube from Holly and heads towards the annex]\nTodd: [to Jim] So you two are married to each other now, right?\nJim: Yeah.\nTodd: That's sweet. How's the sex?\nJim: [continues working]\nDwight: [walks towards Todd] Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate.\nTodd: Why?\nDwight: Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.\nJim: That's a lot of reasons! [suspicious]\nDwight: Drink it!\nTodd: I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viva A Fox. [winks]\nJim: [interrupts Dwight trying to force feed Todd] Can I talk to you a second?\nJim: So, this hot chocolate thing.\nDwight: None of your business.\nJim: Well, you know you can't actually poison him.\nDwight: It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this.\nJim: I really think we should join forces on this one.\nDwight: Really.\nJim: What do we think, what would drive him crazy.\nDwight: I know.\nJim: Here we go.\nDwight: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.\nJim: You've gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can't get to them.\nDwight: [mocking] Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?\nJim: Okay! Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number.\nDwight: Who is Justice Beaver?\nJim: He... It's a crime fighting beaver.\nDwight: Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?\nJim: Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred.\nDwight: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over.\nAndy: Pam. Can I talk to you in private?\nPam: I don't know if there's really a private place in this office.\nAndy: Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago.\nPam: [looking confused] You did that?\nAndy: Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we're a little late.\nPam: Okay. [walks to conference room with Andy and stares at the sign up sheet with wonder] When did people sign-\nAndy: Mind if I close the door? [after shutting door in the conference room] What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool.\nPam: Well what was I supposed to do, let you walk all over me?\nAndy: You humiliated me in front of every body!\nPam: Okay, well I didn't think about it like that. It's just, I can't do anything about it. I can't replace that one unless that computer breaks.\nAndy: I mean, it's pretty broken already.\nPam: Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one.\nAndy: [looks at her knowingly] Pretty sneaky sis. [knocking on conference room door]\nRyan: [walking in] Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve. [Pam and Andy exit as Ryan and others holding saxophones walk in, Pam looks at the sign up sheet in awe]\nDwight: [to Jim, the two are alone in the annex] There are over four hundred of these! [indicating a packet of paper]\nJim: Yeah I couldn't cut it down.\nDwight: They're all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point-\nJim: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?\nDwight: Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. [Dwight tries to open up a drawer on his desk but it only goes out two inches] Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going.\nAndy: [Andy is seen clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard, puts bologna with mustard in his CD drive, and many other computer harming things] Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? [mock baby voice] Oh I hope you don't get sick Mr. Computer. [computer voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? [normal voice again] Because I hate your programs!\nTodd: [at Hank's with Michael, talking to Hank] And a '76 that's good to boot, I like that. [Hank smiles]\nMichael: And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter. [Hank looks irritated again]\nTodd: Why?\nMichael: I don't know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin.\nTodd: Holly said that?\nMichael: Yeah.\nHoly: She was laughing hysterically that whole time!\nMichael: I guess you said something weird about your daughter?\nTodd: She asked me, Michael! It would've been rude not to answer.\nMichael: You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls.\nTodd: Michael, can I open the kamomo with you. I've been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers.\nMichael: No it isn't.\nTodd: You're right. I gotta watch my behavior.\nMichael: Yeah, a little bit.\nTodd: Don't give up on me.\nMichael: I won't.\nMichael: [Michael and Todd are walking into the office] Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here.\nKevin: I got a lot of numbers here to put together.\nMichael: Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed.\nKevin: That's silly. If anything, I should be apologizing to Packer. Because we all know I can dish it, as good as I can take it.\nMichael: Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn't be apologizing to Packer. That doesn't make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines.\nTodd: I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.\nKevin: Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show.\nMichael: Kevin, do you accept the apology?\nKelly: Don't do it Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology.\nMichael: Okay, go back to the annex.\nKelly: This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it Kevin.\nRyan: [muttering] Sometimes you over react.\nOscar: Michael how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one.\nTodd: Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you are a genius.\nMichael: That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. [Andy looks confused and shrugs] Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-\nAngela: [cutting in] No! Don't!\nMichael: I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us!\nPam: [in a car with Andy, by the dumpster you can see a new computer box] So listen, we have to really scuff this up.\nAndy: No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I think I'm gonna make myself cry.\nPam: Andy, this is the deal we made.\nAndy: [watching Pam scrap his computer] That's probably good. That's enough.\nPam: We should break this hinge maybe.\nAndy: Let's not go crazy.\nTodd: Well thanks, will do.\nJim: [using fake Southern accent, on the phone with Todd Packer, Dwight is also with Jim] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool. [Michael walks in on Jim and Dwight]\nTodd: That sounds weird.\nJim: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you!\nDwight: [also In southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.\nJim: [trying to stop him] Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!\nDwight: Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic!\nTodd: Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, Jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee. And here's the best part. I'm a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every sub species. Also I'm a huge boob nerd.\nDwight: Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back!\nMichael: What are you doing?\nJim: [trying to hide from Michael what they're doing, he picks up the phone and talks directly into it] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up]\nMichael: I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?\nJim: He's a jerk.\nDwight: He took my desk.\nMichael: Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?\nDwight: It wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas.\nMichael: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.\nDwight: No, no, no. That is not part of the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing.\nMichael: He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him.\nJim: Wait! Why don't we come up with a plan we're all happy about? [Michael leaves]\nAndy: [plugging in new computer, acting to make people think he got a bad computer] Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer?\nPam: Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do!\nAndy: Where'd you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse?\nPam: Yes, I found it in a shelf in the corner of the warehouse. [Darryl gives the camera an odd look]\nAndy: All right, well thank you for my garbage computer. [Andy turns it on and looks amazed, clearly happy with it]\nTodd: [walking into Michael's office] You're looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the 'ass', in Tallahassee!\nMichael: Yes, about that.\nTodd: Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight!\nMichael: Well... I don't know if that's a good idea.\nTodd: Do you have a ball and chain?\nMichael: No, nothing like that at all.\nTodd: Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It's your girlfriend, man. She's uptight.\nMichael: Sorry?\nTodd: I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I'm saying is about a month or so, meet me down in Florida, I'll introduce you to all the local [spanks the air] talent.\nMichael: [thinks a moment] Sounds great.\nTodd: It's gonna be so good.\nMichael: That is. [Jim sees them and looks happy] It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there.\nHolly: I'm sorry about your friend.\nMichael: Nah, he's an ass.\nHolly: [Brooklyn accent] You ahh.\nMichael: [imitating] You ahh.\nHolly: What ah you wicked smaht?\nMichael: No you ahh.\nHolly: Who ahh?\nMichael: [kisses her and speaks normally again] You ahh.\nDaryl: So this new computer you found in the warehouse.\nPam: Yep. Lucked out.\nDaryl: Yeah, you really did. 'Cause I know every INCH of that warehouse.\nPam: Yep, super lucky.\nDaryl: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.\nPam: [hesitating at the bribe] Yeah. You know what , I think I saw ONE sick day down there.\nDaryl: Really? 'Cause I think maybe I saw five.\nPam: Three. [Daryl nods]\nPam: I'm full on corrupt!"}
{"text": "Pam: Hey Oscar, big Will and Grace fan huh?\nOscar: No. Everybody assumes I am. I always get them as gifts.\nPam: Oh.\nPam: Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we really didn't need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves.\nDwight: People! Look alive. It's showtime. Doors open in 3...2...1.\nJim: Oh, yikes.\nPam: It's cold Dwight. Just shut the door and let people come in the front.\nDwight: It's good that its cold it will drive business inside.\nPam: The signs will drive people inside.\nDwight: The warmth will lure people inside.\nAndy: Close it.\nDwight: This is how business...\nAndy: Close it.\nDwight: I'm not closing the door.\nAndy: Close it. [starts wrestling Dwight]\nDwight: Stop it.\nAndy: Just close it.\nDwight: Uh oh, looks like someone's sign is a little crooked. Uh, looks awful. Need a thumb tack?\nMeredith: Sure.\nDwight: Not so fast.\nDwight: Schrute's are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here.\nDwight: I will trade you for the used candle.\nMeredith: Forget you.\nDwight: Come on, its trash, like your sign, unless you have this.\nMeredith: Fine, just give it.\nDwight: That's how it's done.\nKevin: Woah, I love her. How much for that?\nMichael: I uh... I actually don't know why I brought that because It's kind of priceless.\nHolly: 10 dollars.\nMichael: Mhmm, no I paid 500 dollars for that.\nKevin: 200\nMichael: 500\nHolly: 20\nKevin: 45\nMichael: Get lost.\nKevin: Damn it.\nMichael: That is how you do it.\nHolly: You know we don't have to sell that if you don't want to. If it's a problem with the neon I can have my neon guy take a look.\nMichael: You know it's really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price.\nHolly: Well we could put it in storage... in case.\nMichael: In case... in case of what?\nHolly: You know... in case if something changes.\nMichael: I don't have an in case. Do you have an in case?\nHolly: Nope.\nLady: How much for the slip and slide?\nMichael: Get lost.\nMichael: [on phone] Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm actually calling because I'm in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you... which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn't a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.\nKelly: Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You're blocking my table with your giant body.\nDwight: Oh, cause there's a huge line of people waiting in line who want your spinster chotskies.\nKelly: Screw you man. People like my stuff.\nDwight: People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and you're like 'Hey baby let me light a candle' then you pull out this one half used and he's like 'Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.'\nKelly: You can take my Helen Fielding collection.\nDwight: And the Jennifer Weiner collection.\nAndy: Oh my gosh, you have the Dallas board game?\nKevin: Yea when I was a kid I was on Dallas.\nAndy: Really?\nKevin: Yea. When I was kid we missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii... I was in heaven.\nDarryl: We should play it.\nAndy: Well... there's no instructions.\nDarryl: It's Dallas the game, we can figure it out.\nKevin: Yea.\nAndy: I'm pretty good at board games.\nDarryl: Well, shall we make it a little interesting?\nAndy: Sure.\nDwight: What is this?\nJim: How did those get out? I'm sorry.\nDwight: Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes?\nJim: I was in Jamaica, and I got lost, and it was getting dark this one night and then out of nowhere with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight he's telling me things about myself that there's no way he could have known.\nDwight: That's a common swindlers trick.\nJim: Probably, probably. So I buy some, I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money, he was gone.\nDwight: So you wanna sell me magic beans. [laughs]\nJim: Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes.\nDwight: Nice try. No. Correction. Terrible try.\nHolly: Michael called Dad?\nHolly's Mom: Your friend Michael, yes. What's going on?\nHolly: Um, I think I know. But I'll sound stupid if I'm wrong but is Dad there?\nHolly's Dad: Holly?\nHolly: Hi Dad.\nHolly's Dad: There was a program on TV about India.\nHolly: Um, ok. Did you connect with Michael?\nHolly's Dad: Wanna watch it?\nHolly: I... I'm not there Dad, I'm in Pennsylvania.\nHolly's Dad: What are you doing there?\nHolly: I live here. Um, can I talk to you about Michael?\nHolly's Dad: I'll, I'll put your mother on.\nHolly: No. No... no Dad.\nHolly's Mom: Holly?\nHolly: Mom, Dad can't seem to focus on a subject.\nHolly's Mom: Don't you worry about him, he's got me.\nHolly: Well who do you have?\nHolly's Mom: I have your father. He's right here I'll put him on.\nHolly: No. Mom?\nPam: Oh, which one is decaf?\nPam: [looks out window] Michael! Michael!\nMichael: Hi.\nPam: Hi.. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.\nMichael: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.\nPam: Why do you need more gas?\nMichael: Well, I'm writing a message.\nPam: Is it a good message or a bad message?\nMichael: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.\nPam: Are you proposing!?\nMichael: Maybe.\nPam: Wow.\nMichael: Hey you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?\nPam: Yea. Yea no problem. [runs away]\nMichael: Pam.\nPam: Yep.\nMicahel: Could you light this please?\nPam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.\nMichael: I am not in the mood for riddles pam.\nPam: This is terrible.\nMichael: No, this is romantic.\nPam: You know what? I'm gonna get a hose. Then we'll talk about it. Ok we'll figure it out. Be right back. Just stay there.\nRyan: Free sample?\nRyan: My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her 'Mom you should sell this, you'd make a fortune' and she always says 'No it's just for family.' Well finally I was like f*** it, I'll sell it so I'm like 'Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends' and she's like 'uh, ok' ... pesto party? Really? Anyway... she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis... just had that mom look I wanted.\nDwight: You got this kosher certified?\nRyan: No I meant like uh, it's cool, its kosher, it's all good.\nDwight: Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. [laughs]\nRyan: Thank you. Whatcha got there?\nDwight: Oh, its just Stanley's old photo album. I'm thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black mans old photo album on my bookshelf. I'm not James Franco.\nDwight: things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk for Kelly's crap for Phyllis' garbage for Oscars trash for Stanley's garbage for Ryan's junk for Creed's garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.\nDwight: Jim, put those away.\nJim: [pulls away beans] I'm really sorry. Pam must have put those out.\nDwight: just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans?\nJim: They're legumes Dwight, and you're just gonna make fun of me, so why would I... You know what, this ends now. [crumples up beans, stomps on them, and throws them in a box]\nPam: Hey Michael everyone's in the conference room.\nMichael: Why?\nPam: You called the meeting I don't..\nMichael: I did?\nMichael: Ok. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about... recycling.\nPam: Michael.\nMichael: Yes.\nPam: We are a family.\nMichael: I could not have agreed with you more.\nPam: And I've always believed that we should all be involved in everyone's personal lives, in a very major way.\nMichael: Yes. Thank you.\nPam: So about this proposal thing...\nMichael: No, no, no, no. My minds made up I am not going to change my mind you can't talk me out of it.\nPam: Michael, she's perfect for you.\nOscar: She's the one.\nJim: She's amazing. This is very exciting.\nPam: So we just... we wanna help you plan the proposal so that it's safe and responsible and realistic and doable.\nMichael: I had a great idea until you ruined it.\nOscar: Wanna know how to do it? Here's how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a dogs collar, stop, and look at yourself.\nAndy: [playing the Dallas board game] Hmm, I'm gonna play me a little ol' black mail card .\nKevin: Nice.\nAndy: And call a proxy meeting to take control of you and oil once and for all.\nKevin: No you cant do that. You cant play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn.\nAndy: Why not. Seems to me we're just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being.\nDarryl: And I'm gonna play this here share the wealth card.\nAndy: Oooh.\nDarryl: Which entitles me to half of both of y'alls money so if you don't mind.\nKevin: no this card is from the wrong game this is from the game of life.\nDarryl: It was in the box.\nAndy: Well played.\nDarryl: Thank you.\nAndy: We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.\nKevin: No but that's not fair.\nAndy: Well that's Dallas.\nDarryl: Dallas indeed.\nOscar: What... Ryan, where did you get this picture? [a picture of Oscar on Ryans bottles of salsa]\nRyan: My mom also makes the best salsa.\nHolly: This is your moms old stuff?\nPhyllis: Yeah mostly.\nHolly: How's she doing?\nPhyllis: It didn't go down so easy but she's made some friends and it's already better than it was.\nHolly: How do you know when its time?\nPhyllis: Uh I don't know if you ever know. And if you wait for the day when your parent to comes to you and says 'I cant take care of myself anymore' its never gonna happen. I have a box of bras under the table if you're interested.\nHolly: Let me see.\nPam: Ok I think animals and proposals are out. Right Ryan didn't you read in one of your blogs that animals are out?\nRyan: Blogs are out but people are texting each other no more animals\nMichael: How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof, it hits the ground, the head pops off, this leads me to the line ' I lost my head when I fell in love with you.'\nJim: That's a guarantee.\nMichael: It's easy enough to get a corpse, you just go to a med school. I already have the ring.\nJim: Don't think you need the corpse then.\nMichael: Heres the ring.\nPam: Holy s*** is that real?\nMichael: Yeah. I saved 3 years salary.\nOscar: No. [shakes head back and forth]\nMichael: Is she not going to like that?\nPam: No she's going to love it so I think you can keep the proposal simple. You know like when Jim proposed. He just he got down on one knee and he told me that he loved me and he asked me to marry him and it was perfect.\nOscar: Where was that.\nJim: At a gas station. [oscar laughs]\nMichael: At a gas station?\nJim: Oh it was when she was working in New York so it was halfway between both of us.\nMichael: That mush have been a surprise when... at the gas station you proposed.\nPam: No it was really it was really sweet. It was raining and..\nMichael: Oh yea you didn't say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever.\nJim: Totally reasonable.\nMichael: I just... it's terrifying.\nPam: She's not gonna say no.\nMichael: I know but I'm still scared I don't know why.\nJim: Cause it's a big deal. I mean.. I knew Pam was gonna say yes but I was still scared.\nPam: You were scared?\nJim: Yeah... it.s scary.\nMichael: Get this... Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him 'Dude this was a prop in my movie.'\nHolly: Look I need to talk to you.\nMichael: Ok it's because we haven't sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day, people get desperate, and they're gonna pay anything.\nHolly: I think I need to go home to Colorado. My dad isn't doing so well.\nMichael: Oh ok. For how long?\nHolly: I don't know.\nMichael: Is he alright?\nHolly: Yeah.\nMichael: You ok?\nHolly: Yeah, yeah it's just you know I don't want to go home when he's on his death bed you know, I wanna be there when he's still my dad.\nMichael: Yeah, yeah well you definitely need to do that.\nHolly: And I want you to come with me. Now I know that's a lot to ask of a boyfriend..\nMichael: Ok.\nHolly: And I was thinking... you know maybe since given our last conversation that we're both ready... Michael Scott will you..\nMichael: No, no, shhhhut it. Mhmm. Oh God. Nope, nope, nope.\nHolly: Uh, what?\nMichael: No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.\nKevin: Hey guys it's my turn.\nAndy: You cant go, you're dead, I shot you 5 moves ago.\nKevin: Yeah I told you, you can't shoot people.\nDarryl: I told you we're way past rules. We have been for some time now. We start having rules now, everything we built collapses.\nKevin: This is stupid and I want my money back. Where's the money?\nDarryl: Yeah where is it?\nKevin: Ok you know what? I am never ever playing board games with you two again.\nKevin: And that is Dallas. [shows money]\nRyan: Nice.\nJim: Not bad right. [swinging golf club]\nRyan: Can't really tell the...\nJim: [to Dwight] Nice.\nDwight: I know right...[sees Jim's beans] what the?\nJim: Oh my God.\nDwight: That... that's impossible.\nJim: It is right. I mean, it's impossible.\nDwight: All right, I'll take them.\nJim: They're probably worthless.\nDwight: Probably. [walks away with beans]\nJim: Leave the telescope.\nDwight: I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No, it was this... packet of beans. So I traded the telescope for it. And I can just go buy another telescope.\nMichael: Hey, how'd we do?\nHolly: 13 dollars.\nMichael: That's great and we still have most of our stuff. Good.\nHolly: Listen about earlier ...\nMichael: No, no, no, no, lets not talk about that.\nHolly: It was wrong to put you in that position and... Michael you are my life now. I'm not going to Colorado.\nMichael: Shhhh. Let's go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff.\nMichael: So this is one of my favorite places in the world.\nHolly: Why?\nMichael: This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Let's go in here.\nMichael: This is where we first kissed.\nHolly: I remember.\nMichael: And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there?\nHolly: Michael.. [they both laugh]\nMichael: Through these blinds is where I first saw you, and you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen. And I was sitting at this desk when I called you to tell you that I had herpes and that I was still in love with you and you said that it was over, and that you didn't love me. Thank goodness none of that was true. Including the herpes.\nHolly: Yes.\nMichael: In-grown hair.\nMichael: Right in here... this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember, obesity awareness?\nHolly: Mh hmm.\nMichael: We saved a lot of lives that day. That's where you first met Michael Klump.\nHolly: Oh, I say, I say, I say I sit on you!\nMichael: And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn't believe it, you thought it was so wrong.\nMichael: And over here..\nHolly: What happened here?\nMichael: Well, nothing. Nothing really. I would just find an excuse to come here so I could stare at you through that window. This is what I'd do. [runs water through hand]\nHolly: Nice\nMichael: Let's go in here.\nHolly: [everyone in the office is standing in the kitchen with a lit candle] Hi guys.\nMichael: This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this, its just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives.\nJim: Holly, will you marry me?\nHolly: No.\nStanley: Marry me Holly.\nHolly: No.\nMichael: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.\nOscar: Will you marry me?\nHolly: No.\nMichael: That marriage would be a sham.\nGabe: Will you marry me?\nHolly: No.\nMichael: Easy no.\nAngela: Will you marry me?\nHolly: No.\nMichael: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.\nRyan: Will you marry me Holly?\nHolly: No.\nMichael: Only one that I was kind of worried about.\nMichael: [the area where Holly's desk is is filled with lit candles] This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with.. [fire sprinklers go on] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?\nHolly: Your wife becoming me will I. [everyone in the kitchen starts cheering, then enters annex]\nKevin: That's awesome!\nPam: Congratulations!\nJim: Congratulations!\nMichael: Thank you. So guys, guys, guys. We're moving to Colorado.\nKevin: All of us?\nMichael: Yep.\nJim: Wait, what?\nMichael: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving."}
{"text": "Michael: Kahlua Sombrero, please.\nWaiter: All right, so just you tonight?\nMichael: Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I'm a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years.\nDeangelo: I'll drink to that. I'm starting at a company this week.\nMichael: Oh, really?\nDeangelo: To begginings and endings.\nMichael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.\nDeangelo: The moms and the troops.\nMichael: Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.\nDeangelo: [laughs] I won't... I don't know her.\nMichael: I'm moving out to the burbs... actually, I'm moving further than the burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.\nDeangelo: Colorado! The sunshine state.\nMichael: Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.\nDeangelo: Doing some skiing?\nMichael: No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.\nDeangelo: Well that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.\nMichael: You know, I would like to try the luge, through.\nDeangelo: Try it once, you're hooked. That's my guess.\nMichael: That's what I've heard.\nDeangelo: I'm an olympics nut.\nMichael: Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?\nDeangelo/Michael: [in unison] Summer!\nDeangelo: [holds out fist] Knuckles! Actually, I gotta come around and give you...\nDeangelo: You know, it's funny, I tried to get an animal olympics going.\nMichael: Really? What happened?\nDeangelo: You know, life happened. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?\nMichael: Oh... wow. The mountains. Where things are.\nDeangelo: That's the way it goes.\nMichael: Man, he is late. I'm gonna call him. Do you mind? I'm sorry. [calls Deangelo, Deangelo's phone vibrates]\nDeangelo: Excuse me. Hello? You running late?\nMichael: No, I'm here. I'm right... I'm at the bar.\nDeangelo: I'm at the bar too.\nMichael: You are? What bar?\nDeangelo: I'm at the bar. The bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel.\nMichael: I... do not see you.\nDeangelo: How long have you...\nMichael: I'm been here about... gosh, over half an hour.\nDeangelo: Ok, me too.\nDeangelo/Michael: [looking up from phones in unison] Sorry...\nMichael: What're you wearing?\nDeangelo: I am wearing a grey suit, red tie.\nMichael: Are we both at the right place?\nDeangelo: Which place?\nMichael: I hear your voice.\nDeangelo: I hear your voice, I see your lips moving.\nMichael: I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand] Michael Scott.\nDeangelo: Deangelo Vickers.\nMichael: Wow... that is insane! [laughter]\nDeangelo: That is insane, that is the right term. Let's get some Vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend.\nMichael: [entering Dunder Mifflin offices] Here we go! Are you ready?\nDeangelo: I am ready.\nMichael: Alright! Here we go!\nMichael: This is it. What do you think?\nDeangelo: Oh, she'll do. She'll do just fine.\nDeangelo: I am very much looking forward to tommorow. It feels like the culmanation of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune...\nMichael: [pops up from below camera, and runs out of room]\nDeangelo: Did that? Did that just happen?! [runs after Michael] We should.. we should write a movie or something! I'm serious!\nOscar: Michael is leaving. And apparently they've already hired a new manager. And we're meeting him today. It's a lot to process. Paperwork wise.\nKevin: [wearing wig] Nope! It's not Ashton Kutcher. It's Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart! [winks]\nMichael: Ok, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for it's own sake. So, without further ado, let's start clapping! Presenting Deangelo Vickers!\nDeangelo: [blinds roll down, Deangelo waving]\nMichael: Come on out!\nDeangelo: Hello! [opens door] How are you sir?\nMichael: I am well, sir, how are you?\nDeangelo: Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy, something I live with, it's a part of me. I've learned to cope with it. What else, I'm just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a-\nDwight: Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.\nKelly: [drops papers as Deangelo walks by] I'll get that you guys. Don't... it's just... you know...\nDeangelo: [picks up paper] I'll help you.\nKelly: Oh, hi! [obviously flirting body language]\nDeangelo: Hello!\nKelly: Have we met before?\nDeangelo: No, not officially, actually, I saw you walking out of the bathroom before.\nKelly: Well, I guess I'll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you.\nDeangelo: [offers Kelly the papers as she walks away]\nKelly: And that is what you call a meet cute.\nMichael: And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it's Deangelo the whole time!\nDarryl: Kind of embarassing.\nAngela: Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid.\nMichael: I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy!\nDeangelo: Oh. [chuckles] That was... let's see, where's my replacement? Where's the guy I'm replacing? Why don't I look to the left? He's sitting right there! [office laughs]\nMichael: Oh yeah... I know... that's what I was just saying... that's what...\nDeangelo: [silences Michael]\nAndy: That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up 'Hello, my name is..,'] nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself.\nDeangelo: [laughs] Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around!\nAndy: I wasn't even trying to make a joke. But I guess I've always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted.\nMichael: This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes.\nPam: Well, it wasn't an affair.\nMichael: Yes it was.\nPam: But, no, but we are a family.\nJim: [points to picture of Cecelia] We made that.\nPam: Cecelia.\nDeangelo: Well, congratulations. I have four kids of my own.\nPam: Really? Oh, my gosh! We just have the one, but she poops for four. [laughs]\nPam: Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss!\nJim: Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies.\nDwight: Thanks for meeting me.\nMichael: Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle? Where'd you find him.\nDwight: There's no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here.\nMichael: You know me very well, Dwight.\nDwight: That's because I'm your right-hand man, Michael, but I can't do it again. I can't do it again for a whole new guy.\nMichael: Now I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I'll be off all day.\nDwight: I want to be manager. I just don't understand why I wasn't even interviewed for the job. What's wrong? I was totally qualified, you were pushing for me.\nMeredith: That apple looks delic!\nDeangelo: I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calor intake under 1200. [laughter]\nStanley: Deangelo, you're going to starve to death. [laughter]\nMichael: So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!\nDarryl: It's cool that you like the southwest. It's one of my favorite regions.\nDarryl: It's one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good.\nDarryl: I love the desert. It's one of my favorite ecosystems.\nDeangelo: Here's the great thing about the southwest; there's so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you've ever seen.\nKevin: Burnt! It's lush, dummie. Hey, Deangelo, what do you think of bald people? I hate them.\nAngela: Deangelo, I forget, did you mention you like politics?\nDeangelo: I did not.\nAngela: Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend, he's a state senator. I really think the two of you would hit it off. He's a great person to know.\nDeangelo: Sounds very interesting, thank you.\nErin: Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Ok, let me transfer you.\nDeangelo: Why do you use your name when you use the phone?\nErin: Oh, that's how Pam does it. I just copy her. She's sort of a living legend.\nDeangelo: Try it without using your name.\nErin: Dunder Mifflin, this is... oh, I like it!\nDeangelo: Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you?\nErin: Oh, assist.\nMichael: I sorta like the old way.\nDeangelo: I just prefer it without the name and I thought- I've got to start doing some managing at some point.\nMichael: I know, I know, I'm sorry, but if it's not a big deal we should just-\nDeangelo: And it really isn't.\nMichael: Is that good?\nErin: Yeah, ok, good.\nDeangelo: Well, I'd like to change it, actually.\nMichael: Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work.\nErin: What do you think?\nDeangelo: I think a change would be nice.\nMichael: You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. [phone rings]\nDenagelo: [whispering] Change it.\nErin: [picks up phone] ...I'm so sorry. Sorry. [hangs up]\nDeangelo: Hey, funny guy. Wanna have a little mid-day lawl here. Make me laugh, huh? What you got? I can't even look at you.\nAndy: Here we go... ok... what do African Americans call... [laughter]\nErin: Deangelo, did you order a barber?\nDeangelo: Oh, yeah. Put a pin on that, kid. Can't wait to hear the punchline.\nDarryl: Finish the joke, Andy. What do African Americans call?\nAndy: I... don't know. Help me.\nRyan: [a barber enters the office for Deangelo] That is so badass. So hardcore.\nPhyllis: Yeah, real cool. Real power move.\nDeangelo: I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me.\nMichael: [to Erin] Shave me. [walks into office with Deangelo] This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!\nDeangelo: Ok, alright! I love it! I love it! Michael, this is Reggie. He is the #1 yelp reviewed shaver in Scranton. It's not even close.\nMichael: And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. [Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael's face, none on the neck]\nDeangelo: Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice, doesn't it?\nMichael: It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah, that is nice.\nOscar: You wanted to talk to us Deangelo?\nDeangelo: Ah, yes, please! Just cozy up there. Just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups.\nMichael: Well, we don't really do rap sessions. We kinda do... [Erin shaves Michael] god... we sorta do more of like powwows or-\nDeangelo: Ok, then, powwows then, fine.\nMichael: That's-\nPam: Hey, Deangelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece, it is so adorable.\nJim: Alright, wait, little bit of backstory, she loves dogs. She calls them 'da-das'.\nPam: Da-das.\nJim: And what happens here is-\nDeangelo: You know what, enough about your baby, ok? I'm sorry.\nJim: We were... I think she was just trying to-\nDeangelo: No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it. I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better?\nMichael: You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can't say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something.\nOscar: Well, Deangelo, I'd say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent.\nMichael: Ok, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don't even really have to worry about.\nErin: Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips.\nMichael: Don't shave my lips.\nDeangelo: [Andy walks into room] What's up?\nAndy: I don't mean to go into a rant here, but...\nAndy: I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny.\nAndy: ...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. I'm thinking, 'how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.\nDeangelo: Let's not talk politics in the office, ok? I like you better as a funny guy.\nAndy: [leans on table] I wasn't taking a position. It's just one of those things where- [table collapses under Andy]\nDeangelo: [laughter] Now that's funny! That's funny! You walk much?\nAndy: Yeah, right, I mean- [walks into door, jokingly]\nDeangelo: Little click...\nErin: [pushing box into office] Deangelo, this box came for you.\nDeangelo: Thank you. That's my stuff. Yeah. Michael, take a look at this.\nStanley: Need a hand?\nDeangelo: Oh, that'd be great, thank you Stanley!\nMichael: You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so... you know, let's not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I'm still here-\nRyan: [holds up painting of desert to office, who are impressed]\nMichael: I still have to look at this stuff, guys.\nDarryl: So this is a ten-gallon hat, huh?\nDeangelo: Yep, ten-gallon hat. Technically, it only holds about three quartz. Little factoid.\nKevin: Interesting.\nMichael: Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a great fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.\nDarryl's sister: [holds out cowboy boots for Darryl]\nDarryl: Cool, cool. Alright, see you later.\nDarryl's sister: Hey, hey, hey! [holds up set of pistols in holsters]\nDarryl: No, I'm good. Keep them.\nDeangelo: Hey, funny man! Whatcha got for me? Make me laugh?\nAndy: [mimes using a rope to pull himself forward to microwave] Let's see if they have my favorite teas in here... [throws tea packets into air, puts hand in unplugged toaster, pretends to be shocked, takes container of cheese-puffs and throws them into air, pours hot coffee on his pants]\nDeangelo: [laughs] Drink some soap!\nAndy: [drinks hand soap]\nDeangelo: [laughter and applause]\nAndy: I guess this is my life now.\nDwight: How do I become a manger at Sabre?\nGabe: First thing's first, thank you for coming here directly. I know you could have called Tallahassee but they would've just looped back to me, so, it's cool you recognized my role here.\nDwight: I left a message at corporate.\nGabe: Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. That'll put you right on the shortlist for next time there's an opening.\nDwight: Can't you just use the recommendation you already have on file?\nGabe: What recommendation?\nDwight: From when he recommended me to replace him.\nGabe: ...I'm sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations.\nDeangelo: Best whale watching: easily the west coast. If you're going whale watching on the East Coast, you might wanna bring a magazine called 'West Coast Whales'. [laughter] Because you're not gonna see them-\nMichael: [interrupting Deangelo] Snack time! It's the witching hour! It's the sandwitching hour!\nKevin: Awesome!\nPhyllis: Mmm, whatcha got?\nMichael: PB and J, my mom's recipe! [throws sandwitch at Phyllis]\nAngela: Michael! Deangelo has a peanut allergy.\nDeangelo: I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts.\nStanley: What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?\nMichael: I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go! [throws sandwitch into Kevin's open mouth]\nOscar: Michael, this is serious! Do you know what happens if Deangelo touches a peanut?\nMichael: What?\nDeangelo: Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut, I was itchy for three days, ok? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.\nJim: Wait, so, you don't go into shock or die or anything?\nDeangelo: No, Jim, not everything is life or death. I want to feel comfortable.\nMichael: Oscar, here you go. [throws sandwitch]\nDeangelo: [uses book to stop the sandwitch's flight] You're getting nut particles all in the air!\nMichael: No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.\nDeangelo: [steps into conference room] Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multi-purpose room, now.\nMichael: No, that's good. You just stay in there, stay in there by yourself, loser. No body go in. [disgusted comments by co-workers] No body go in there. Stay where you are.\nOscar: Michael, This is insane.\nMichael: No, it's not insane, Oscar. I'm been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you're gonna throw it all away? No.\nJim: Listen, you're the one who decided to leave. Come on, he's the new boss, you know we have to do this.\nMichael: Well, who needs him. Guess it's just you and me, Dwight.\nDwight: Correction. Just you. Alright, meeting. Multi-function room.\nDeangelo: [walks out] Hold on, Hey Michael, Michael, wait up, hold on. Um, so for these meetings do you just jump into business or do you start with some chit-chat or...?\nMichael: I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what, you'll be fine.\nDeangelo: Maybe. Maybe not. 50/50. You know what, it is too bad for this place that you're leaving. [extents hands for hug] Bring it in, come on. [Michael doesn't accept hug] Ok. [walks back]\nMichael: Ok. [hugs Deangelo from behind] Why did you have to be so damn good?\nDeangelo: I... I'm adequete. I'm half as good as you.\nMichael: No, no, no. Come on. You are good, they know it.\nDeangelo: Will you do me a favour and enjoy this time, ok? You've worked so hard, get your senioritis on. It's Lake Havasu time!\nMicahel: Guess I've been working so hard I forgot what it's like to be hardly working.\nDeangelo: Ok. What is the Native American girl's name?\nMichael: You'll figure it out.\nJim: Hey, Deangelo! Wanna meet Cece?\nDeangelo: That's a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute.\nJim: Thank you very much.\nPam: See, we knew it! If he just met her, he'd understand.\nJim: We're back in! Right?\nDeangelo: I swear, that baby could be the star of a show entitled 'Babys I Don't Care About.'"}
{"text": "Michael: It is six a.m. [DeAngelo yawns] and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars!\nDeAngelo: Yes, and this happens every...?\nMichael: Every year! This happens, you have a lot to learn my friend. [DeAngelo laughs]\nDeAngelo: Well, you know, why don't we try it, and if it goes good it'll be part of my tradition.\nMichael: Why do you always say that? You're gonna love it.\nMichael: [arriving at the first house] Alright let's go! [DeAngelo runs in the wrong direction] This way, this way! [Michael knocks on the door]\nDeAngelo: Thanks.\nMichael: Surprise!\nDeAngelo: Congratulations!\nJim: Yep, okay...\nMichael: You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards!\nJim: Okay.\nMichael: [holds up a camera and DeAngelo meows] Here we go! Have Pam come down.\nJim: No she doesn't wa- She's not here.\nPam: What's going on?\nJim: Stay in bed!\nMichael: [next house] Congratulations!\nStanley: Have you lost your mind! Get off my property before I call the police!\nMichael: We got it.\nDeAngelo: Uh, leave it at the door or...?\nMichael: Yeah that's fine.\nMichael: [next house] Hey Toby! You suck! [throwing eggs at his house]\nDeAngelo: Is this an employee of ours?\nMichael: [giggles] Go go go go go go!\nMichael: [arriving at a dumpy looking, unkempt house] I've never seen this place in the daylight.\nDeAngelo: It reminds me of Katrina.\nMichael: Here we go, alright got it? Set? [the door is ajar, Michael knocks lightly] Hello? [turns around to see Meredith walking towards her house]\nMeredith: I'm so busted! Walk of shame!\nDeAngelo: Do you usually leave your door unlocked? And ajar?\nMeredith: Ahh, Nice! I got a Dundie nomination!\nMichael: Yes you did. That's right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out.\nMeredith: No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins. [walks into her house] Let me fix you breakfast!\nDeAngelo: [whispers] I'm not going in there.\nMichael: [quietly shuts the door] Go.\nMichael: [walking into the office] Good morning Erin.\nErin: Oh hey, didn't see you.\nMichael: You have big plans for tonight?\nErin: I don't know, maybe volunteer at the shelter, or go to bed, or... I don't know. Maybe I'm going to the Dundies!! [Flashes her Nomination Certificate]\nMichael: You are getting so funny! [Erin giggles] Very good.\nMichael: The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on.\nMichael: Anything can happen at the Dundies! [DeAngelo laughs] They're like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time!\nDwight: Just a little announcement folks, remember, the Dundies is a black tie affair.\nMichael: Black tie optional.\nDwight: Every day is black tie optional!\nMichael: A la, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!\nKevin: Nice! [rest of the office looks excited]\nPhyllis: I love their breadsticks!\nPam: Oh, their breadsticks are like crack!\nRyan: I love when people say like crack when they've obviously never done crack.\nPam: Well the breadsticks are like what then, Ryan, what can I use?\nRyan: I don't know, something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.\nPam: You're right, you're right. I'm a middle class broad. [Jim does his 'Jim face']\nMichael: Shh, shh! Okay, okay. Everybody's right. They're like breadsticks on steroids. Right?\nRyan: Yeah that's great.\nMichael: So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy. So I'm going to need to train a replacement. So this year, I have decided to have a co-host. [Dwight looks suspecting] And that person is [he and DeAngelo roll their tongues as a drum roll] DeAngelo! [all applaud]\nDwight: Always the padawan, never the Jedi.\nDeAngelo: Thank you Michael, uh, but I will have to pass.\nMichael: Think of it as part of your training.\nDeAngelo: Not much of a performer, unless you count singing in the shower. Boy, okay...\nMichael: [smiling] Okay, well we'll work on it.\nDeAngelo: [whispers to Michael] Michael, I'm very, very bad.\nMichael: You are doing it.\nMichael: [all in conference room] Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.\nKevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.\nMichael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.\nDeAngelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a-\nMichael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys...\nDeAngelo: This did not happen.\nMichael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay. [Ryan stands next to Michael up front] Ryan how are you today?\nRyan: Why don't you ask my therapist, my mom certainly pays her enough.\nMichael: [very excited] There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.\nDeAngelo: Uhhh, you sir! [points to Jim] Are we having fun tonight?\nJim: Having a great time.\nDeAngelo: Oh good!\nJim: Thanks, yeah.\nDeAngelo: Where were you on September 11th?\nMichael: No! God! [Jim looks at him oddly]\nDeAngelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.\nAndy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.\nMichael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!\nJim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.\nMichael: Jim, please no loopholes.\nDarryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?\nMichael: This is my last Dundies ever, if I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?\nDeAngelo: [laying down, Michael is sitting on DeAngelo's stomach bouncing up and down in Michael's office] Me mo. Me mo.\nMichael: Good. Good. Good!\nDeAngelo: Meee Mo, Mee!\nMichael: Now, tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood.\nDeAngelo: When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court and choose between them.\nMichael: [getting off his stomach] Too personal. I don't wanna hear about it. [picking up a portable tape player] Let's try this. Put these on. [DeAngelo puts the headphones in] I am going to turn this on, and turn the volume all the way up. So you can't- [DeAngelo winces] That's right, you're not going to be able to hear yourself. Read this, [gives him a card] and make it sound perfect.\nDeAngelo: THE DUNDIES ARE-OW-ABOUT COMING TOGETHER! AND RECOGNIZING, THE ADOMINABILITY OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT! [Jim comes and closes the door]\nMichael: Say it with an accent!\nDeAngelo: [bad Australian accent attempt] THE DUNDIES!\nMichael: [also in a poor Australian accent] The Dundies!\nDeAngelo: THE DUNDIES!\nJim: [Jim and Pam are walking outside] I just don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me, and not just regular fries.\nPam: Yeah... [they see Erin eating in her car, and ducking when they see her. Pam knocks on her car window] Hey, Erin, everything okay?\nErin: Get away from the car, he's gonna see you.\nJim: Who's gonna see us?\nErin: [desperately] Just get in! Get in! Just get in!\nJim: Get in the car? [Jim and Pam get in the back seat]\nErin: Please! Sorry. Get in. [Jim and Pam are confused and worried] Sorry sorry sorry.\nPam: What's wrong?\nErin: I eat lunch in the car now. It's my alone time. It's just nice to have some time away from Gabe.\nPam: Why don't you wanna eat lunch with your boyfriend?\nErin: I, really don't like spending time with him.\nPam: Don't you think it's better to tell him the truth now? You know, rather than waste more of his time?\nJim: I think I'm gonna go.\nPam: What?\nJim: I think you got this. Kay? [Erin nods] Alright. Feel better!\nErin: Thank you Jim.\nJim: I'm sorry, that just wasn't interesting to me.\nErin: I can't just dump him Pam, I'm not like you, I can't be mean.\nPam: Wait, when am I...? You just have to be clear and firm. You know, just tell him you don't love him. Just be honest with him. [Erin nods]\nDwight: [standing by the Louie Volpies entrance greeting people and giving them menus]\nKevin: [walks in] Hi!\nDwight: Appalling. [Meredith walks in] Eye sore. [Jim and Pam come in] Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds!\nErin: DeAngelo, Jo's on the phone for you.\nDeAngelo: Hello?\nJo: [Michael dressed as Jo Bennett, using a bad Southern accent] DeAngelo! We're in serious horse manure here! The Dundies are tonight! And we ain't got no host!\nDeAngelo: Oh no!\nJo: Luckily I have someone for you!\nDeAngelo: Billy Crystal?\nJo: Better.\nDeAngelo: Neil Patrick Harris?\nJo: He's in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi! [everyone in the audience is laughing]\nDeAngelo: Ughhh, I gotta find Michael Scott! And then I gotta, [Russel Brand impression] Get Him to the Dundies!\nDeAngelo: [in the office near the accountants] Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott Angela?\nAngela: [Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice] My boyfriend can, he's a state senator.\nAudience: [laughing]\nDeAngelo: Mmhmm.\nAngela: Oh wait, he can't help because that title has no meaning!\nOscar: [laughing]\nOscar: Try Jim DeAngelo, he'll be able to help.\nDeAngelo: Jim! Do you know where I can find Michael Scott?\nJim: [Michael is wearing a wig that is very close to Jim's actual hair, and he is wearing fake earrings, and speaking in a punk-ish deep voice] I totally don't know where Michael is, dude, hey you wanna listen to some records?\nJim: [shaking head at the camera]\nDeAngelo: No one is listening to me! And I'm running out of time!\nPhyllis: [Micheal dressed as Phyllis, pretending to knit] Well, what are you talking about? [cracking noise] Ohh! Ohh! [falls onto the ground] I've fallen and I can't get up!\nDeAngelo: Maybe I just need to look into my heart. [in the bathroom in front of the mirror] DeAngelo, where is Michael Scott. [his reflection in the mirror turns around to reveal that it is Michael]\nMichael: I'm here. [DeAngelo gasps and turns around] In a good way! I've been here the whole time.\nOscar: The analytical part of me wants to examine it, but I know it has no content.\nDwight: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for you co-host this evening, Michael Gary Scott. [Michael comes running up to stage as people applaud] Please remain standing for your other co-host, and new manager, DeAngelo Jeremitrius Vickers! [DeAngelo presents himself, and changes his mind and runs off] Was that part of the...?\nMichael: [in the bathroom] DeAngelo, what are you doing? There's a live audience out there!\nDeAngelo: Go do it by yourself, get Ryan.\nMichael: No, Ryan would never do it. It's too on the radar. Look, look. The boss, hosts, the Dundies! It's sort of our perk!\nDeAngelo: This was not, part of the job description!\nMichael: Listen to me, you're not doing this for me, you're not doing this for you, you're not even doing this for them!\nDeAngelo: Who am I doing this for?\nMichael: [slaps him] You're doing this for all those kids out there, eating off the Louie Volpies kid's menu, wondering: Does it get better? What I want you to do, is I want you to say: It's showtime. Get out there.\nDeAngelo: I can't. [Michael slaps him again]\nMichael: Say it.\nDeAngelo: Stop, hitting me.\nMichael: You can do it, just say it.\nDeAngelo: Hit me again. [Michael slaps him once more]\nMichael: Now hit me. [DeAngelo slaps him] One, two, three.\nTogether: It's showtime.\nMichael: Alright, here we go.\nMichael: Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line. [everyone laughs]\nDeAngelo: Fall asleep right after sex. Huh guys?\nJim: Nope, go back to the script.\nMichael: There are a lot of great salesmen in this office, but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad. And a close personal friend of mine, Jim Halpert! Best Dad Dundie! [Dwight plays a celebratory honking noise on his keyboard]\nJim: Wow! I do not parent for the award but I gotta tell you It feels pretty good. Uh, Cece, if you're watching this at home it's way past your bedtime, by the way how'd this get televised?\nMichael: Well done.\nJim: I don't know maybe being a good dad is just all in your own compass. I don't know, I don't know. Thank you!\nMichael : Alright. [all applaud Jim]\nPam: You didn't think to mention me huh?\nJim: Didn't I?\nMichael: Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. [Pam gets ready and Jim smiles at her] I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office. Meredith Palmer!\nMeredith: [jogs up and makes out with Michael, who is unwilling] Tell ya one thing, I'm not gonna be a good mom tonight! Whooo!\nDwight: Excuse me, can I get a photo of the Best Mom and the Best Dad please?\nJim: I gotta go do this.\nPam: [annoyed] Why?\nDwight: Big smiles folks! There they are.\nMichael: Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the office goes to, [Ryan stands up] Danny Cordray! [Ryan quickly sits] Danny couldn't be here tonight...\nRyan: How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Uhm, I'm very relieved. How do you, how do you judge something like that? What is the criteria even? It's, it's so subjective.\nMichael: Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. [Stanley looks angry] But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! [Stanley slowly walks over, angry] Come on up here you sick bastard.\nPhyllis: I have diabetes too. You don't see me making a big deal about it.\nDeAngelo: They say he's going to be my right hand man, adlib masturbation joke. [realizing he wasn't supposed to read that directly off the cue card, speaks quietly] No, I hate this, I hate it so much. [loud again] Dwight Schrute! Please accept this promising Assistant Manager Dundie. [people clap as Dwight takes the microphone, he is obviously unenthused] Thank you, thank you so much. I would like to thank something that we, uh, take for granted in our daily lives. And that is the humble trashcan. [Creed nods] This is for you trashcan! [walks off and throws the Dundie into the trashcan]\nManager: [the manager of Louie Volpies approaches a giggling Kevin, who is coloring with crayons on the tablecloth] Who gave you those crayons?\nKevin: I brought them from home! Do you have a red?\nManager: This is a cloth tablecloth! You can't color on it!\nKevin: Oh really? [camera shows that Kevin has drawn a house on the tablecloth.\nMichael: You know, herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? [manager looks up, angrily at Michael] Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley, what do thay all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here and receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award! [Erin looks thrilled and walks up to the stage]\nMeredith: That is bull! [throws her Dundie]\nErin: Thank you, thank you! This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life. [Gabe and Andy smile at her] People are right about the Dundies, they are magical. But, I don't feel it. And I think that's because I'm not with the right person. Gabe, we should break up.\nGabe: What?\nErin: I'm not attracted to you. I just, I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, right Pam? [Pam looks very awkward] Thank you for hearing me.\nGabe: [stands up and walks to stage, takes the microphone] Well, this is embarrassing, um, I'm obviously really angry at Erin. It's that quarter life crisis everyone's been talking about. [Jim is looking wide eyed, jaw dropped] Alright I'm gonna go. [Dwight plays cricket noises]\nMichael: [escorts Erin off stage] There you go.\nDarryl: Damn that was cold.\nMichael: It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and tries to go back to his seat]\nAudience: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!\nDeAngelo: Hold on, hold on one second. [puts on the headphones and turns the volume up all the way] I WANNA, I WANNA, I FEEL TRULY BLESSED! UHHH, TO BE WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU! BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, FUNNY STORY, I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, VOMITTING, AND VOMITTING IN THE MEN'S ROOM!\nManager: Okay, okay. [trying to stop him from offending other people in his restaurant]\nDeAngelo: THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR MOST OF THE EVENING...\nMichael: [stopping Manager] DeAngelo is expressing himself. [manager pulls the microphone cable, everyone can still here DeAngelo.\nDeAngelo: This is truly special, for me! And uh, anyway. It's so much lighter!\nMichael: Okay, we're done! That's it.\nDeAngelo: Michael, are we?!\nMichael: We're done. We're done!\nMichael: [Outside of the restaurant, obviously sad] So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it'd be more like Godfather Three. That rapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather One! That was, very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh well...\nPam: Michael, we were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going!\nMichael: What?\nDeAngelo: I know I'm the cause of this royal screw up but I would like to see this show go on.\nMichael: No, no. You're being too hard on yourself. We had a very truncated rehearsal time.\nPam: Let's grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started. [others nod in agreement]\nMichael: So what you're saying is you kinda like it? [Phyllis impression] I've fallen and I can't get up! [normal again] That Phyllis bit, that was pretty good.\nJim: I don't know that we need to dissect it all now, but-\nMichael: That got a big laugh.\nJim: That did. Pretty huge laugh.\nMichael: [to Stanley, who is cracking up again] You were laughing right?\nStanley: I was.\nDeAngelo: [with Dwight and Michael outside Michael's car] You know what, I have to go to the bathroom.\nMichael: We're really close.\nDeAngelo: I can just run over to the gas station.\nDwight: We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room?\nMichael: That's true, we wouldn't get seats together.\nDeAngelo: Okay, fine I'll hold it.\nMichael: [in the car] You know, despite a couple hiccups, I think that went very well.\nDwight: I thought it was the worst Dundies I've ever been to.\nMichael: Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award.\nDwight: Gladly! I'd accept that award, because a bitch, is a female dog!\nDeAngelo: [as Michael pulls over and stops the car] Please don't stop so suddenly, the seatbelt is pressing on my bladder. Why are you even wearing a seatbelt, you're sitting in the backseat, baby.\nMichael: What is your problem?!\nDwight: I just don't see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue is bad, the fashion is boring.\nMichael: Okay! That, that is unfair! The clothing was safe, but tasteful.\nDwight: And next time, why don't you pick a co-host, that doesn't have microphone-a-phobia!\nDeAngelo: [very uncomfortable] Look, what ever you're going to do, how long is it going to take? Ballpark. 'Cause I just, I gotta make a decision here. [gets out and slams the door]\nMichael: He is in an all-out sprint.\nMichael: [in conference room] Here... [Andy walks in] Okay! By his own omission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award goes to, Andy Bernard! [Andy walks up]\nAndy: A lot of people I'd like to thank, but I think we all actually wanna thank you Michael.\nMichael: Oh, okay. [nods to him]\nAndy: I mean, we actually all really wanna thank you, for everything.\nDarryl: [starts playing the tune to Seasons of Love while Andy sits down]\nMichael: Oh my God, something's happening.\nAndy: [singing] Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.\nAll: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.\nPam: In costumes!\nJim: And impressions!\nToby: In meetings.\nErin and Kelly: And cups of coffee.\nKevin: For birthdays!\nStanley: More meetings and-\nWomen: E-Mail forms you made us read.\nAll: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!\nMeredith: You hit me with your car!\nRyan: You helped me get off drugs!\nCreed: I watch you when you sleep.\nOscar: I forgive you for kissing me!\nAll: Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call.\nKelly and Erin: Call, text or e-mail, or call.\nDeAngelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love!\nAll: Remember to call, remember to, call. Remember to call.\nMichael: [choked up] Yeah, okay. [pauses, then takes a deep breath] Well this is gonna hurt like a mother[bleep].\nDeAngelo: [recall to Dundies at Louie Volpies] Every day, millions of Americans suffer from extreme repulsiveness. Someone in our midst, is bringing that problem to light. Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the Extreme Repulsiveness Award. Oh that's so mean!\nMichael: No it's not.\nOscar: [Toby is shaking his head, no] It's his last Dundies.\nJim: You gotta play along man.\nOscar: Come on Toby.\nMichael: Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it! [Toby comes up and take the mic]\nToby: I really disagree with this. I think it's kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case I was recently a juror on. The Scranton Strangler. That man's being put to death. I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty any more. [Dwight plays a clip from the song Oh Yeah: Ohhhh yeah! Chica chicaaa]"}
{"text": "Michael: [sitting on the roof of the office building] Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here, getting used to the altitude.\nDwight: [walking up] Michael?\nMichael: Yes?\nDwight: I've got a treat for you!\nMichael: Ahh, thank you. Like a butler.\nDwight: Colorado specialty, Rocky Mountain Oysters.\nMichael: [Michael takes one and bites] Oh, these do not taste like oysters.\nDwight: [angrily] That's because they're Not oysters, they're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! [Michael spits it out] Hah!\nMichael: Sick freak! What is wrong with you?\nDwight: What is wrong with you? I'm the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didn't recommend me?!\nMichael: I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? [Dwight scoffs] The job was not mine to give. [sighs] Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies.\nDwight: Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio?\nMichael: Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket...\nDwight: Great idea.\nMichael: ...in order to feed the bears.\nDwight: Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs!\nMichael: How do you mean?\nDwight: Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael, what are you thinking?! And they run faster than a horse, so if you were thinking about outrunning one on a horse I would try a cheetah. You, in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a Black Bear. Do you understand? [Michael nods in agreement] You're like a giant walking salami!\nMichael: Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?\nDwight: Any kind of meat that you can possibly name!\nMichael: Okay.\nDeAngelo: [with Michael in his office] You're not gonna take all these toys are you?\nMichael: Hm?\nDeAngelo: I mean you don't have a job lined up, so it's not like you have a desk to put 'em on.\nMichael: Well I have interviews.\nDeAngelo: That's nice. [reaches and a grabs a toy truck] How 'bout that truck? Can I have this little truck? I was thinking I might... glue a stapler on top. Or put a hole here, stick pens in it. [Michael gives an obviously fake smile] You okay?\nMichael: Yes. Yes, you know what? Take my favorite truck. Sure.\nDeAngelo: You know what? Uh, it's your last couple days, I'm gonna get out of your hair.\nMichael: Oh you don't, that's-\nDeAngelo: I will be in the break room.\nMichael: That sounds good. Thank you.\nDeAngelo: Dead man walking.\nMichael: Sad? No, no, no. I don't leave 'til tomorrow, so... Tomorrow I will be a wreck.\nGabe: [sees Andy walk into the Men's Room and follows him in] Stay away from Erin! [cornering him in the bathroom]\nAndy: Hey!\nGabe: I'm your boss!\nAndy: Why don't you, uh, stay away from me?\nGabe: No, I'm gonna stand where I want. Okay? You don't wanna get on my bad side! I've seen some horrible things! I own over two hundred horror movies!\nAndy: Okay! That's so weird! Just go away!\nGabe: No! You go away! [storms out, toilet flushes, Jim exits the bathroom]\nAndy: [weak] Hi Tuna.\nJim: So you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?\nPhyllis: [in the conference room with Pam, Angela, and Meredith] How about cupcakes?\nAngela: Please.\nPam: What's wrong with cupcakes?\nAngela: Everything.\nMichael: [walking in] There they are! Party Planning Committee together again!\nPam: Well we all wanted to plan your goodbye party. We thought this would be easier.\nPam: We thought.\nAngela: It's an experiment.\nPhyllis: The three of us have all been chairmen before.\nPam: So this is the dream team.\nMeredith: [walking up behind the glass] Hey! What are you saying?!\nAngela: The dream team... and Meredith.\nMeredith: [to Michael] We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, your favorite.\nMichael: Mmm!\nPhyllis: Yeah that was a surprise...\nMichael: You know what, I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody'll like. How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla.\nPam: [surprised] Okay.\nMichael: Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. Alright?\nPam: Should we get toppings?\nMichael: What do you like Pam?\nPam: [confused] What?\nMichael: What kind of toppings would you like?\nPam: Hot fudge?\nMichael: Sounds good. Fudge it up! [all seem surprised at Michael's behavior]\nMichael: [holding up his 'World's Best Boss Mug'] I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. [holds up a Dundie that reads, 'World's Best Boss 2011, Michael G. Scott', throws his mug into the garbage can and places his Dundie at the front of his desk] I still need something to drink out of though.\nMichael: [pulls out a list of everyone in the office, then puts it back in his jacket] Attention everyone, before I leave tomorrow I would like to reveal a secret I have kept for over twenty years. A secret about Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Please Michael.\nMichael: When Phyllis was in high school, she was so... cute. [Phyllis looks relieved] And she still is.\nPhyllis: I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.\nPhyllis: [holds up mittens she's knitting] Look Michael, it's a going away present so your hands won't get cold.\nMichael: Ahh.\nPhyllis: It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring-dry gently, and use a hairdryer on cool.\nMichael: [hesitantly] Sounds great, I just think it's great. Oh, I have gifts as well! [goes into his office and comes out with a bag] And I will start, by giving the first gift to Phyllis! Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should. Because you have great ideas. So Phyllis, I am giving you this, so you can always remember to speak your mind. [presents to her a mouth wind-up chattering toy]\nPhyllis: It's cute. [plays with it]\nMichael: Stanley, you love your Sudoku and your puzzles, I bestow upon you, my felt. [gives Stanley a small felt table] May you never lose the fun loving quality in life.\nStanley: Where's the rest of it, it's got no balls.\nMichael: Well, okay... And Andy, Andy who needs confidence that he is a great salesman. I give you, my clients, our ten most important accounts. [other salesmen look outraged]\nAndy: Wow.\nStanley: [angry] Yeah wow!\nAndy: You know I'm the worst salesman here right?\nMichael: But you're the best salesman, on the inside.\nPhyllis: What does that even mean?\nMichael: You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted.\nAndy: I'm gonna lose 'em.\nMichael: You're not gonna lose them.\nAndy: I promise you that I will.\nMichael: Just do your best! I have faith in you.\nStanley: [as Michael walks away, Stanley whispers angrily to Andy] Gimme those clients!\nAndy: No.\nPhyllis: [to Dwight] Do you believe that?!\nDwight: I've given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing.\nDeAngelo: I used to be obese. Once you've conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I'm not saying I'm superman, but, let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I'm pretty sure everything would be fine. I almost welcome it. [winks]\nMichael: Kevin, I have something for you.\nKevin: Oh! [Michael unrolls it to reveal it is a caricature of Kevin as a pig eating pizza]\nMichael: You know who that is?\nKevin: Oh...\nMichael: [rips the poster in half] Don't be a caricature Kevin, never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up?\nKevin: Better...\nMichael: Good, stand up. [Kevin does so] You will be thin. You Won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore.\nKevin: But...\nMichael: You will find love.\nKevin: Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now.\nMichael: Don't be. You should never settle for who you are. [moving on] Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, you are-\nAndy: I just lost Porter Hardware! I just, I lost 'em!\nMichael: [quietly groans] Okay, you know what? Just do your best buddy! Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education. And, I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this. [takes a sack tied in the upper middle making a crude head, with a face drawn on, obviously the product of poor craftsmanship, Oscar pretends to like it]\nOscar: Thank you Michael. It's beautiful.\nMichael: [laughing] It looks like a [more laughing] It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! [laughs more] He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody!\nMichael: Was it just me, or did you think that we were going to have sex at some point?\nAngela: It was just you...\nMichael: How would you have wanted to do it? Okay, okay. You know what? Inappropriate. I am engaged happily, and you have landed yourself a Senator.\nOscar: State Senator.\nMichael: Mmhmm, bravo!\nOscar: Brava!\nAngela: You wanna see some pictures? I just got these.\nMichael: Sure!\nAngela: Uhm, these are, okay this is us at the theater. And antiquing! Oh, rollerblading.\nMichael: Who's that? Who's that guy? [points to second guy in the pictures]\nAngela: Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide.\nMichael: I guess this could be the one, huh?\nAngela: Yeah. [Oscar shakes his head no]\nAndy: [walking into the kitchen, DeAngelo is using the coffee machine to cook chicken covered in melted chocolate] Hey.\nDeAngelo: [hurriedly, while hiding the chocolate covered chicken] Hey!\nAndy: I'm going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up.\nDeAngelo: Let's rip it up homes. [smacks top of the door frame with his hand, leaving a chocolate hand outline]\nGabe: [Andy walks by with DeAngelo, says quietly after he leaves] Walk away bitch.\nOscar: [Michael is leaving the accounting area] Oh Michael! Where do you want your last pay check sent?\nMichael: My last pay check?\nOscar: You have an address yet in Colorado?\nMichael: No.\nOscar: What town do Holly's parents live in?\nMichael: I'm not sure, um, Mountainton?\nKevin: Sounds beautiful!\nPam: [Michael sits alone eating at the back of the kitchen, Pam comes in with Jim, Creed and Kevin] You should do more stuff like that.\nKevin: I'm going to!\nJim: [to Michael] Hey! It's almost your last day, come sit with us.\nMichael: Nah, I'm almost done.\nJim: You sure?\nMichael: Yeah.\nPam: So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder.\nKevin: Finally! That old shredder sucked.\nPam: It's a good shredder, it just keeps breaking.\nKevin: Yeah, it won't shred magazines.\nPam: It's not supposed to shred magazines Kevin.\nKevin: I know...\nJim: Did you break the shredder Kevin?\nKevin: No, it's just... that old shredder sucks. [Michael looks tearful] Just get one that'll shred magazines.\nPam: I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines.\nMichael: [crying] I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one, and I don't think my credits will transfer. Ugh, and you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote. [picks World's Best Boss mug out of the trashcan and puts it back on his desk] I gotta call her, and I'm going to tell her, that I cannot come. [dials on his phone]\nHolly: [on phone] Hello there!\nMichael: Hi. What is the name of our town?\nHolly: Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay?\nMichael: No, no. I just needed to hear your voice.\nHolly: [Yoda voice] Oh you mean this?\nMichael: [laughing] Yes. [Olive Oyl impression] Yes my hero!\nHolly: [deep man voice] I'll pay the rent! [Michael laughs] Okay, my mom's looking at me and she has no sense of humor. It's a joke mom!\nMichael: [laughing] Ohh, I miss you.\nHolly: Well I'll see you tonight. I'll pick you up outside baggage claim.\nMichael: Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you.\nHolly: I love you too.\nMichael: [hangs up and composes himself] Yes, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm, I'm gonna be leaving tonight. I head to the airport at four. [looks at the list of members of the office, with some names crossed out] And I have said goodbye to half of them.\nToby: Well you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.\nMichael: [grimaces and nods, Toby nods back at him] Okay.\nToby: [smiling] Okay.\nMichael: [walks over to Kelly] Kelly! Kelly? Kelly.\nKelly: [doing make up and irritated] What?!\nMichael: If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you?\nKelly: Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice.\nMichael: [in Ryan's office, which is illuminated blue] She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.\nRyan: Wow. [camera pans over to show that the light is from Michael's St. Pauli Girl Sign, hanging in Ryan's office]\nMichael: Yeah.\nRyan: This is... totally unnecessary.\nMichael: You're not prone to seizures?\nRyan: No.\nPam: [in conference room with the party planning committee] So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want?\nMeredith: [quickly] Erotic.\nAngela: See? This is what happens. You can't let a stray dog into the house.\nPhyllis: Hmm, let's hear here out. I would like to hear more about these cakes. [Angela and Pam look uncomfortable]\nMeredith: I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.\nAngela: Good God...\nMeredith: They make these cakes, they're wild! I mean, they show everything!\nPam: I don't, I don't think we sh-\nMeredith: I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black, they do it all. And the women on these cakes, they're not just guy's fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing.\nPam: [stopping her] Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue.\nPhyllis: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it feels good to be represented on one.\nPam: You know what, I think we should get some other input.\nKelly: I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.\nPhyllis: Yeah, cupcakes. That's what I said.\nAngela: No! I'm not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms! You know, we don't really care about your opinion. You're just a tie-breaker.\nMichael: [sees Pam walking towards the door of the office] Um, Pam.\nPam: Oh, hey Michael! I'm just going to go to Carbondale to price some shredders. I'll see you later.\nMichael: [disappointed] Okay... [Jim is confused]\nErin: [walking into the women's bathroom, Gabe storms in after her] Gabe!\nGabe: I need to talk to you!\nErin: You can't be in here. This is a lady's room!\nabe: Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here everytime you go if that's what it takes. [Creed walks out of one of the stalls]\nErin: Hey Creed.\nCreed: Not cool man. [walks out]\nErin: I really think you should leave.\nGabe: Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room.\nErin: Can we talk about this later, I have to go.\nGabe: Just read the letter under your windshield wiper, it explains everything. Quick one. [leans in for a kiss]\nErin: Gabe!\nGabe: Okay... [walks out embarrassed]\nToby: [on video cam with his brother] Here's the thing Rory, I knew you guys would hit it off in an odd way.\nRory: I can bring him a welcome basket. I'll surprise him.\nToby: Do- Well you should give him a little time to settle in. But-\nRory: Does he like jams? My shelves are over flowing with preserves.\nToby: Well, no. He hates jams.\nMichael: [walking into Darryl's office] Darryl!\nDarryl: Hey.\nMichael: I would like to give you, the only copy, of Somehow I Manage. [hands him a thin black folder] Unfinished. If there's anyone here who can finish it, it's you.\nDarryl: That's sweet Mike. Let's see here. There's a chapter, called Gum. With one sentence. Everybody likes the guy who offers him a stick of gum.\nMichael: Mmmhmmm. It's true. Darryl, I have one last wish. I would like to use the bailer.\nDarryl: No. Can't let you do that Mike.\nMichael: No problem. Worth a try.\nMichael: [in warehouse] Darryl said I could use the bailer because I'm leaving.\nWarehouse Guy: No.\nMichael: [picks up a basketball and dribbles it away from the basket] Alright guys, well... see ya later warehouse. Catch you on the flippity flip. [throws the ball behind him and misses the basket, tries and misses several more times]\nDeAngelo: [in car with Andy] okay, so what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? [Andy stares blankly] Hmm?\nAndy: I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.\nDeAngelo: That's stupid. [laughing. Nervously, Andy laughs with him]\nAndy: [joking] What do I know?\nDeAngelo: [still laughing] What do you know? We gotta get psyched up! Okay? Guy? Let's get psyched! Is there an animal shelter on the way?\nAndy: [confused] Yeah.\nDeAngelo: Awesome! Ani Ani Shelto! Here we come. Do you know how to high-five?\nAndy: Yeah!\nDeAngelo: Cause if you do now's the time.\nAndy: [going for it] Alright.\nDeAngelo: Not while I'm driving.\nMichael: [still trying the backwards basket] Catch you guys- [forklift drives in front of the camera] Catch you guys on the filippity flip. [misses and picks it up again] Flippity flip! [misses again and grabs it back] Flippity flip! [makes it in, gets excited] Really? [composes himself] Okay, see ya guys! [walks away, containing his self-pleasure]\nDeAngelo: [at the animal shelter with Andy] You know how I met Jo Bennett? And got started on my ladder of success?\nAndy: No. I don't.\nDeAngelo: [hands Andy a dog] I'm walking along, out of work. Again. Thinking to myself, 'I only have enough cash to by a sandwich, or get drunk. And I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog! So I grab the dog. He runs off. She's so grateful, she hires me.\nAndy: Awwhh, wow.\nDeAngelo: Gimme that dog! That's not your dog! [takes the dog from a confused Andy] Yeah! Again.\nAndy: Oh, okay...\nDeAngelo: Gimme that damn dog you f***ing thief! Don't ever do It again! [Andy nods modestly] You hear me?! [Andy nods again] You feel that energy?\nAndy: Mmhmmm.\nDeAgnelo: Wooo! Yeah! [parades in circles with the dog, pretends to whack Andy with it] [giving it to Andy] Okay, again.\nErin: I know that Gabe is young, and hot and everything. And he's begging me to reconsider, but I... I just think I'm in love with someone else.\nMichael: Kevin?\nErin: Andy.\nMichael: Ahhhh...\nErin: I wish I knew who my birth mother was, so she could just tell me who to choose.\nMichael: Maybe neither.\nErin: I'm not attracted to Kevin.\nMichael: Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this. At all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful. And you are fun. And you are smart. [Erin is smiling] And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. [kisses her head] And you know what? You don't need a mom. Because you have my number, and you can call me anytime.\nErin: [nods] Extension 147.\nMichael: N-\nErin: I know.\nMichael: Okay. [both chuckling. Michael leaves Erin, looking thoughtful]\nPhyllis: [on the phone] You want the 27-26 or the 27-30?\nMichael: Phyllis. Phyllis, are my mittens done?\nPhyllis: No. [trying to finish her sale when Michael hangs up the phone] I'm on a sale!\nMichael: Listen to me. It's two p.m. From now until four, your priority is knitting. Knit like the wind.\nPhyllis: Okay... [Jim gives a knowing look to the camera]\nMichael: Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow. [pulls out an envelope from his jacket]\nDwight: Yes.\nMichael: So I wanted to give you that. [hands him the envelope] It's a letter of recommendation. [Dwight looks eager. Michael nods to him and walks away]\nDwight: This is gonna be good. [eagerly reading the letter] To whom it may concern. [off to the side] Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. [reading again] The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme. [to the side again] That's great, if I wanted the dictionary definition I'd buy a dictionary. [reading again, slowly gets sadder] I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme. [holding back tears] Lot's more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulling out a small card from the envelope. Reads it] Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball. [checks his watch quickly] Ohhh, yeah.\nDwight: [opening his trunk excitedly and gets out his paintball gear, takes his gun and looks for Michael, gives up, Michael jumps out of the dumpster shooting, they shoot each other, yell, laugh, and taunt, having a great time]\nMichael: [in the office, crosses Dwight off his list. He has paint in his messed up hair, and is containing his laughter]\nDeAngelo: [giving his and Andy's pitch to a client] I would just like to start off saying, I have not worked with Mr. Andy Bernard for very long, I can say, is that he is no Michael Scott. I can't sit here and tell you he's gonna be a success. I can't sit here and tell you that he's even the best man for the job. [Andy looks awkward] But I can say this: He's got potential. Sure. You know, I always say: go big, or go home. You go with This guy, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life, OR, the biggest, Good decision of your life. It's either gonna be the best thing you ever did, or the worst thing you ever did. If you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it, for the agreed upon price, [Andy looks hopeful] Andy's not your guy. [Andy deflates] You ever play Russian Roulette? [scoffs] Time to spin the chamber horse. By signing up for another year. [hands the client a folder he needs signed for another year's contract]\nJim: [Michael walks into the office, still a mess] Ahh, what happened to you?\nMichael: You should see the other guy.\nDwight: [smiles knowingly]\nMichael: [looks at the clock to see it is three o'clock] Jim where is Pam?\nJim: Uhh, she's still pricing the whatevers. The shredders.\nMichael: But it is already three o'clock! [Michael leaves, Jim gives a knowing look to the camera]\nPam: [walks into a movie theater showing The King's Speech]\nMichael: [in his office talking to Creed, Gabe, and Meredith in that order] Whether you're scared of dying, or dying Alone, or dying drunk in a ditch. Don't be. It's going to be okay.\nMichael: Yeah I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.\nMichael: [Gabe is still standing in front of Michael's desk] And you, why are you still here.\nGabe: [sounding hurt] I'm either going to quit today, or stay to make sure that Andy's career is destroyed.\nMichael: No, you are not going to quit today. For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day in the office. Everybody gets dumped Gabe. Can I give you a piece of advice? [Gabe nods] A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, and make you look less like a transvestite. [Gabe looks awkward and Michael winks]\nDeAngelo: [walking out the client's room with Andy] That is cold sir! Absolutely cold. You know what? It was a complete waste of my time.\nAndy: Uh DeAngelo, I'm, uh. I forgot my bag, so I'll meet you in the car.\nDeAngelo: [grumbles] Okay whatever.\nAndy: [walks into the client's office again] Sir, I'd just like to apologize, for that. I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is I think he's just a terrible salesman. And I want you to know, that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call.\nClient: Keep talking.\nDeAngelo: [on his phone waiting for Andy, next to their car] Yes. Okay, alright. No, well thank you! Alright, take care. [hangs up] You'll never guess, we did it!\nAndy: [laughing] Hey! [they hug] Good job boss!\nDeAngelo: We did it!\nMichael: [standing in front of his office, sees that it is three forty five] Okay, everybody come on. Conference room five seconds! Let's go! Hurry up, let's do this! [Dwight runs into the conference room. All others follow]\nStanley: Yes, what is this about?\nMichael: What is this meeting about?\nStanley: Mmhmmm.\nMichael: Okay, here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here, together, because I have something important. Well there's two things actually. Okay first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam. [Jim looks regretful] And secondly, Phyllis how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them. I'm leaving for the day at four.\nPhyllis: They're almost done but my knuckles are swelling a little and-\nMichael: [cutting her off] Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it!\nStanley: Is that it?\nMichael: Umm, hmm?\nStanley: Is that it?\nMichael: [the office looks up expectantly] Ummm... Hm... No. [changing his mind] No. There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes, he's coming right in. [walks out and then back in, now using a Vietnamese accent] Oh hi everybody, it's Ping! [the office groans] And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people! Thank you everybody! You've been so wonderful! [only Kevin is laughing. Stanley tries to leave. Michael hugs him] I ruv you all! I ruv you very much!\nJim: Hey, can I talk to you for a second?\nMichael: Sure. [Ping accent] Be right out!\nJim: [brings Michael into his office] So I've been meaning to tell ya, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.\nMichael: [sad] Ohh...\nJim: What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?\nMichael: [holding back tears] Okay...\nJim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today right?\nMichael: Maybe.\nJim: Wow, so that's it huh? Just, four o'clock and you are gone for good.\nMichael: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?\nJim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes... goodbyes are a bitch.\nMichael: [pulls out a recorder and speaks softly into it] T-Shirt idea, goodbyes stink. Okay, alright. So. James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company, as a fine young man...\nJim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.\nMichael: Oh, okay.\nJim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you... what a great boss, you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had. [Jim is holding back tears too]\nMichael: [hears a taxi honking] Oh shoot! That's my cab.\nJim: Alright.\nMichael: Alright.\nJim: Listen Michael, I really... I did text Pam, but...\nMichael: I know, it's okay. Just, give her a hug. Alright?\nJim: [shakes Michael's hand] I will see you, tomorrow at lunch.\nMichael: I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.\nJim: [chuckles] You got it.\nMichael: Okay... [crosses Jim off his list] Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Oh no, they're still not done.\nMichael: No no no, let me see. [picks up the mostly knitted mittens] Oh Phyllis, nice try. I love 'em. [waves goodbye to her with the mittens] [Michael begins walking out the office, he takes one last look at all his friends to see them working, and Jim looking back, teary eyed]\nCreed: [drinking from Michael's World's Best Boss mug] See ya tomorrow boss!\nMichael: Later guys. [leaves the office]\nMichael: Got almost everybody. So... Holly's my family now. [you see video of Michael getting into the cab, and driving off. As the cab leaves, Pam drives in] She's my family. The babies that I make with her, will be my children. The people that you work with, are just... when you get down to it... your very best friends. They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. [You see Michael getting out and entering the airport, and going through security] I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?\nMichael: [putting his shoes back on, talking to the camera crew] Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. Alright... Oh! [pulls out his mic from his shirt] This is gonna feel so good, getting this thing off my chest. [he hands them the body mic, when he speaks it is inaudible now] That's what she said! [waves goodbye and walks off to his gate, halfway there Pam comes running up to him and they hug for a while. They say their goodbyes to each other, and Michael walks off for good]\nPam: [watching Michael's plane take off. Crying and has smeared make up on] No he wasn't sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an award's member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.\nDeAngelo: [all are in the conference room for Michael's party. Michael isn't there. Jim gives the camera a knowing look] Well if he's not gonna make it at least we should go ahead and eat the cake. [Kevin nods] I for one love the corners. [cuts a corner piece, picks it up with his bare hands, and takes a bite] Why'd I just do that? It's not even that good. I don't even want it. I had cake for lunch. [throws the piece in the garbage] No, you know what? I've been good. I deserve this. [grabs a piece from another corner. The office groans] What am I doing? [chucks it into the trashcan] Come on DeAngelo! [DeAngelo tries to lick the cake, everybody yells no]\nDwight: [to Jim] Uh oh... [Jim, tearful, nods]"}
{"text": "Deangelo: So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are comin', and they're comin' fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright. I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at 5. Change number one: Darryl. Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night. Full ride. Deal with it.\nDarryl: Seriously?\nDeangelo: Stone cold seriously.\nDeangelo: They are trying to figure me out. And I don't like it. Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear. And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader. Because as soon as I'm hearing what I want to hear, I'm not gonna care.\nDeangelo: Change two, Toby, you're gettin' a new chair.\nToby: Thanks.\nDeangelo: Don't thank me! Hey, don't thank me, guy! Okay? And I don't care if you like it.\nOscar: These sound like good ideas, why wouldn't we like them?\nDeangelo: I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream. You either like it or you don't. [Andy nods] That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions?\nKevin: This all sounds great to me. [hesitates] But I could see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think.\nDeangelo: That is a s- astute observation, Kevin.\nDeangelo: Kev's got me pegged. [chuckles]\nDeangelo: It blows away Vermont in the fall.\nDarryl: Snap, for real?\nPam: Good morning, Deangelo.\nDeangelo: Hold on.\nPam: Okay.\nDeangelo: [continuing to talk to Darryl] And if you're really serious, you should go in the spring.\nPam: Because of the flowers.\nDeangelo: No. Because the entire state smells like Earth.\nPam: Dogwoods, or just the Earth.\nDeangelo: Yes, Pam.\nPam: Hey, well, good morning. I think I have good news for you today. I found your new executive assistant. My friend Carla. [looking at resume] She's got great experience. We even considered making her Cece's godmother, but she had this boyfriend at the time- but here's her resume.\nDeangelo: Put it with the rest.\nPam: Okay.\nDeangelo: [entering his office] Hey dudes!\nJim: Hey!\nAndy: Hey!\nPam: Oh my God, he hates me!\nJim: No he doesn't. You just get so nervous and hyper around him.\nPam: I know.\nJim: Every time there's a silence, your brain's like 'Heh-heh-huh-huh' [imitating crying].\nPam: Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings?\nJim: Careful. There is no inner circle.\nAndy: Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.\nJim: There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things, to a few guys.\nKevin: Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! [thinks] Which doesn't exist.\nDeangelo: [holding two cups of coffee] There he is! Got ya coffee. [offers cup to Dwight]\nDwight: Oh, wow, thank you. That was so kind of you. [throws cup in the garbage]\nDeangelo: Not a coffee guy, I take it.\nDwight: It's just that I own the coffee shop. So, once you've seen sausage being made, all you want to do is make sausage, because it's so much fun.\nDeangelo: Listen. I've got a sixer. 'Automatic for the People' on the jukebox. Let's hit the park after sundown. Come on! Pick up some sausage if you want.\nDwight: I think you'll find what you're looking for [points toward Oscar] over there.\nDeangelo: No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It reminds me of my relationship with my son. Except there, I'm the Dwight.\nDeangelo: Who's the biggest client in the state? I say we go get 'em, whatever it takes. Huh? What do you guys say?\nKevin: Yes!\nDeangelo: Right! Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients.\nKevin: Yeah, I say we just go for it!\nDeangelo: [shoots mini basketball at hoop on office door, misses badly] Is that ball lighter than usual? Is that a Chinatown knockoff?\nJim: That's Toys R Us, I think.\nDeangelo: No, that's definitely a knockoff. You can feel the center of gravity's off. Feel that. [throws ball to Gabe] What do you think?\nGabe: [holding ball in open palm] Oh, yeah, totally. Jim, you got ripped off big time.\nDeangelo: [calling for the ball] Deangelo! [shoots and makes it] See what I did there? That's what you need to do. [makes shooting gesture] It's that little English. The British are coming.\nKevin: Yes.\nDeangelo: Deangelo's open!\nDeangelo: Hey Ry. Your department's killing it, baby. [puts arm around Ryan]\nRyan: Hey hey, my pleasure, my treasure.\nDeangelo: Keep it up.\nRyan: The problem with having 'It' or 'the X-factor' or whatever it is you want to call it, is that it's impossible to put into words what you're bringing to the table. So to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying, strongly implied that I'm Kelly's supervisor. It's not even that much of a stretch. She pretty much does whatever I say.\nKelly: What?\nRyan: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...\nKelly: Why should I pretend that you are my boss?\nRyan: Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly? I'll tell you what I would have done for you. I'd lie for you.\nKelly: Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie.\nRyan: I'd die for you too.\nKelly: You really would?\nRyan: [hears Deangelo entering] Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company!\nKelly: Sure thing, Mr. Howard.\nDeangelo: Woo. Glad he's not my boss.\nRyan: [whispers to Kelly] You're the best. Thank you.\nDeangelo: You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula for a certain popular cola that I shall not name. So I've never had to buy it. True story. I just drink my cousin's.\nDwight: Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy. Each one better than the last.\nDeangelo: You know what... straight up, why don't you like me?\nDwight: I'm just not a suck-up like everyone else around here. Okay? I do my job well, so why don't you just leave me alone and let me do it. Okay?\nDeangelo: Ohhhh no.\nDwight: What?\nDeangelo: Okay? I'm gonna win you over.\nDwight: No you're not.\nDeangelo: Yes I am.\nDwight: No.\nDeangelo: Oh yes.\nDwight: No.\nDeangelo: Yes.\nDwight: No.\nDeangelo: Yes.\nDwight: No.\nDeangelo: Yes.\nDwight: No.\nDeangelo: Yes.\nDwight: No.\nDeangelo: Yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes [starts to run out of the break room] yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes!\nJim: [looking at resume] Uh oh, this former administrative assistant misspelled 'administrative' and 'assistant.'\nDarryl: The winner: under 'Special Skills,' Mr. Don Feiner put 'Juggling.' [laughter]\nDeangelo: What's wrong with juggling, Darryl? I'm a big juggler. I actually perform a motivational juggling routine.\nJim: Seriously?\nDeangelo: Oh yeah. I'd do it for you here, but uh, what would you say this room is, 300 square feet? 320?\nGabe: 320. Just freeballin' it.\nDeangelo: It's a little cramped. How many square feet out there? 17, 18 hundo?\nKevin: Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.\nGabe: Give or take. [Deangelo walks out]\nDeangelo: Sorry gang. Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car. It's not.\nPam: Oh no, do you think it was stolen?\nAndy: I gotcha covered, boss. Used to play with the parabolas myself. [opens desk drawer and takes out balls] Got some extra balls! [throws them toward Deangelo, who dodges them] Hey-hey-hey-ho!\nDeangelo: Sorry, I never touch another juggler's instruments. You know, we're all here, I've got the music cued, why don't I just do my routine without the juggling balls? [starts to play 'Wake Me Up Inside' by Evanescence] Prepare... to go into the danger zone. [begins pretend juggling routine]\nPam: Oh wow, you weren't kidding.\nDeangelo: No. Never. Can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare! [Kevin pretends to throw ball] Incoming! And we're on! Remember, nothing's impossible! Phyllis, where's Phyllis?\nPhyllis: [raises hand] Here.\nDeangelo: Do you believe in me, Phyllis?\nPhyllis: Yeah.\nDeangelo: Because I believe in you.\nPhyllis: Okay.\nDeangelo: [pretending to bounce balls off Phyllis at close range] Feel that connection? Don't move your head. Please. Thank you. Oh! Big hand for Phyllis! [clapping] That took a lot of guts! [finishes routine] Ho! I'm Deangelo Vickers, thank you so much, hope you learned something.\nKevin: Didn't drop a single ball!\nPam: [imitating Deangelo's pretend juggling routine] Look. I'm juggling eggs and bowling balls. I'm juggling with one hand. No hands.\nJim: What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine?\nPam: What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine? How can you keep defending him?\nJim: He's good at his job. And I like working for him.\nAngela: Of course you do, Jim. You're a man. Deangelo is a huge sexist.\nAndy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think if he was sexist, I'd be able to tell. I took a crapload of women's studies courses at Cornell. And I wrote my own companion piece to the 'Vagina Monologues' called the 'Penis Apologies.' So I know a thing or two.\nAngela: Okay. Then how about I'm the head of the Accounting Department, but he only ever talks to Kevin? What about Pam and Kelly? Also department heads. But has he ever met with you or even asked you to do anything?\nAndy: How could I not see it? You're so right.\nPam: [to Jim] Why don't you talk to him about it?\nJim: And say what? 'Hey Deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist?'\nPam: Why don't you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office?\nJim: Mmm-hmm.\nAndy: And if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his penis goodbye. Snip snip. Am I right, girls?\nJim: Hey, you got a second?\nDeangelo: Yeah, I got tons of time. This job's a joke.\nDeangelo: So what's up?\nJim: Umm, really, it's nothing, I was just talking to Angela, and she was -\nDarryl: [opening door to Deangelo's office] Hey, saw Jim come in. We meeting?\nDeangelo: Yeah sure. Let's make it a meeting. [Darryl, Kevin, Gabe enter office]\nJim: If it's alright, can I just have like one minute alone, just to go over -\nDeangelo: What's the big secret? Why are you even whispering? Come on, it's the guys!\nJim: I know. [Gabe and Darryl stand on either side of Jim with paper and pens in hand] Just the guys. Well, maybe that's, uh, part of the problem. I think...so what happened was, I was talking with some of the department heads. Uh, some of the female department heads.\nDeangelo: Uh-oh. Right?\nKevin: Hot!\nJim: Maybe there's a vibe out there, with certain members of the office, that you are...a little sexist, or -\nDarryl: Damn!\nJim: Whoa. Whoa. Wait.\nDeangelo: Are you serious? Who feels this way?\nJim: Oh. Like nobody.\nGabe: Umm, Pam?\nJim: It was -\nGabe: Was it Pam?\nKevin: That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Deangelo, she can get really bitchy. [begins bad imitation of Pam] Kevin...\nDeangelo: Guys. Hold on. Doesn't matter who, okay? I'm just happy that Jim brought it to my attention because honestly, I had - I had no idea.\nJim: That's awesome.\nDeangelo: Thank you.\nKelly: [on phone] Mom, Ryan's taking us out to dinner tonight. No, no, he's not going to stand us up like he did last time. He won't ever stand us up again.\nRyan: [joint talking head with Kelly] So I am the new customer service supervisor.\nKelly: When Deangelo's around.\nRyan: And I am also a very dutiful boyfriend when -\nKelly: All the time.\nRyan: All the time.\nDeangelo: Erin, do you mind running down to the lobby and bringing up my brand new executive assistant?\nErin: Absolutely.\nJim: Hey, who'd you end up hiring?\nDeangelo: Oh, I'm glad you asked, Jim. Because apparently there's a rumor running around here that I am a sexist. I can't work here effectively if you guys think I'm something that I am not. I am not a sexist. Raise your hand if you have a vagina. [Deangelo raises hand, Kelly and Pam sheepishly raise hands] Raise your hand if someone you love has a vagina. [Deangelo raises other hand, along with rest of office] Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just about everyone. What about Deangelo's hand? Oh wow. He's got 'em both up. [Ryan raises both hands] Yeah. Uh huh. [others raise both hands] Yeah, so it bothers me when I hear that there's gossip around here that I treat women lesser than men. Okay? Frankly, we all look a little ridiculous when that happens.\nPhyllis: I'm not a feminist, but I think that the men in this office are being given chances that the women aren't.\nDeangelo: Dwight, what's your take?\nDwight: What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.\nDeangelo: Man, you're smart. [Erin arrives with new executive assistant] Oh, hey! Hi! Hello. Welcome. Uh, everyone, I'd like you to please welcome Jordan Garfield. This is everyone.\nJordan: Hello.\nPam: So, Jordan, uh, where did you work before? Uh, a law office?\nJordan: No, Anthropology. We don't have this in that size, pretty lame.\nKelly: Lame? You worked at Anthropology?\nJordan: Yeah.\nKelly: That's like my dream job. How did you even get that job?\nJordan: Well, I umm -\nKelly: You chose this job over that job?\nRyan: Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly, we have a lot to get done today.\nPam: So, umm, is this your first office job then?\nJordan: Yeah.\nDeangelo: Yup.\nPam: Wow.\nDeangelo: No corporate experience whatsoever. I didn't want anyone with any bad habits.\nKevin: [heading into Deangelo's office] Jim, you coming?\nJim: Oh yeah, did he text us?\nKevin: Yeah. [Jim looks at cell phone as Dwight's phone vibrates]\nDwight: [holds up phone and looks into Deangelo's office] No!\nPam: Jim, what are you doing? Get in there. This is not the time to take a stand. At least he likes one of us.\nJim: He didn't text me. [Andy's phone chimes]\nAndy: Yes! I'm in.\nAngela: Andy, what are you doing?\nAndy: I'm going in, into the belly of the beast. Gonna infiltrate and change from within. [joins the group in Deangelo's office] What's up, mancave! [makes barking noises]\nPam: [to Jim] Just go in. Just go in, he probably forgot to text you.\nDeangelo: Internally, for office use [Jim quietly enters Deangelo's office and sits down] where do we get our paper from? Do we go -\nJim: [to Jordan] Don't worry, the first day's always the hardest.\nDeangelo: [staring at Jim] Hey Jim.\nJim: Yeah.\nDeangelo: Can I help you?\nJim: Nope. Just... [Deangelo continues staring at him] Okay. [gets up and leaves office]\nDwight: So, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh?\nJim: Well, there is no inner...circle.\nJordan: Dwight? Deangelo wanted me to ask you if there's anything I can help you with.\nDwight: Really? Anything.\nJordan: Do you need anything?\nDwight: Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone.\nAndy: Okay, I do not want to waste your time, so I will keep this br-r-r-r-r-r-ief. Now, word on the street is, Mercy Hospital, back on the market. Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week. Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project. Which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut that assists in the scraping of barnacles -\nJim: So this is my life. Until I win the lottery [laughs]. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.\nPam: So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer.\nRyan: Hey! Kelly, that's the last time I'm gonna talk to you about your paycheck! Okay? We pay you a fair salary here, and if you're only here for the money, maybe you shouldn't be here at all.\nDeangelo: No one likes a money grubber.\nKelly: I'm sorry, Mr. Howard, I apologize for grubbing for money. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss. Okay? Frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years.\nDeangelo: Ohh.\nRyan: Oh, that's hilarious, Kelly.\nKelly: No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo. He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically. Just like the way Rango didn't save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding.\nDeangelo: Is this true, Ryan?\nRyan: I did not see Rango.\nDeangelo: Okay, I don't have time for this he said-she said.\nKelly: He's not saying anything!\nDeangelo: It's too murky. I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me. Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way.\nKelly: That's not fair, I mean, I've been working here for such a long ti- [Deangelo walks away]\nRyan: [sighs] Oh, close call! Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2 am.\nPam: [knocking on door to Deangelo's office as loud yelling comes from inside it] Hey! It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun, but it's really loud, and some of us are trying to work, so do you think you could do it a little more quietly?\nGabe: Well, that's gonna be tough, because we're getting a dunking clinic from Magic Jordan himself.\nDeangelo: [chuckles] Oh, you mean Michael Jordan?\nGabe: [laughs] Total brain burp.\nDeangelo: I'm no MJ. I can do his dunk. From the free throw line.\nKevin: Whoa.\nDarryl: Daaamn! Mad respect for my brotha!\nDarryl: The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say, and soon, I will say it in Chinese.\nPam: Okay, well it's just really loud.\nDeangelo: Okay. We'll keep that in mind. Alright, ladies, back to the game.\nDarryl: Do it!\nDeangelo: Jim! Come on in.\nPam: You're back in.\nJim: You know what? Instead of a game, why don't we do an exhibition? I'd love to see that dunk of yours.\nDeangelo: Yeah, we'll set that up one day.\nJim: Today. Now, maybe. 'Cause we have a hoop downstairs and a real ball, so you don't have to mime it.\nDeangelo: Yeah, I don't know.\nJim: Why not?\nDeangelo: Only because no one has called NASA to request a liftoff. [laughter] Let's go downstairs! Okay? Let's do it.\nDwight: Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop.\nDeangelo: Damn it, Dwight! Enough! Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper! [Dwight immediately gets up and walks out]\nDwight: Okay, a little about me. I respond to strong leadership.\nJim: Alright, there you go.\nDeangelo: Seems a little close, you sure that's the real foul line?\nJim: 15 feet from the baseline, so, you need me to move it in?\nDeangelo: Nah, that's 15. Yeah.\nJim: Okay.\nDeangelo: And uh, you know what, to make it interesting, Jordan, why don't you sit underneath the basket?\nJordan: Seriously?\nDeangelo: Yeah, come on. I'll dunk over you. Best seat in the house.\nJordan: I don't, I don't think I can do that. I'm holding your jewelry.\nDeangelo: Right. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Kevin, you do it.\nKevin: Yes! Okay. [sits down in front of basket]\nDeangelo: Someone want to sit in Kevin's lap? Angela?\nAngela: No.\nDeangelo: Oscar?\nOscar: No thank you.\nDeangelo: Okay, Jimmy, this is for you. Show you that anything is possible.\nJim: Fantastic.\nDeangelo: Alright?\nJim: Yup.\nDeangelo: This is also for the troops. [backs up, bounces ball, starts running, jumps, lands in front of Kevin, jumps again, pulls himself up by the net, dunks ball, hangs on rim] Doctor is in! [hoop starts to fall] Ahhhh! [hoop crashes down on Deangelo]\nJim: [ambulance pulls away in parking lot] Now what?\nErin: [Deangelo enters office in hospital gown with bandage on his head] Deangelo?\nDeangelo: [speaking gibberish] Tablab.\nJim: Oh my God, are you alright? Erin, will you call 911 please?\nErin: Who should I say is calling?\nJim: Erin.\nDeangelo: [lots of gibberish] says to bartender [lots more gibberish] Droswip. Droswip.\nGabe: Droswip, yeah. I get it. Okay, we're gonna get you to the restroom."}
{"text": "Pam: We could get Deangelo flowers.\nDwight: No, you can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up.\nPhyllis: That's true.\nJim: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and balloons? [all but Dwight raise their hands]\nDwight: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse? [Dwight raises his hand]\nJim: Nope. Baskets have it.\nJim: So as it turns out, unless you're a young child or a prison inmate, you don't need anyone supervising you. People just come in and do their work on their schedule. Imagine that - people like us allowed to sell paper. Unsupervised. [Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, and Oscar are working while Andy and Ryan play on a foosball table] And yet, somehow it works. It must be because the stakes are so high.\nJim: [on phone] Well, I really appreciate the offer, but I'm just happy the way things are. Okay. Thank you. [to Pam] That was Jo, asking me if I wanted to take over as acting manager while they find a replacement. I told her... I don't want to mess this up, right? There's a consensus, people are happy.\nDwight: [on phone] Dwight Schrute. Yes, I would. Thank you. [hangs up] Jordan, gather my things from my desk. [Dwight walks to the manager's office, rubs the door frame, sits at the desk reverently]\nJim: Wait...\nPam: What have you done?\nDwight [on phone]: Mose... you'll never guess where I am right now.\nMose [on phone]: Aaaaahhhhh!\nPam: Can't stay there all day.\nJim: I'm coming.\nPam: Do I at least get to go with you in this fantasy?\nJim: You'd slow me down.\nJim: Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No. A week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. [Jim puts a pencil into the time clock and pulls it out broken in half] We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now Junior Employee. Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.\nPam: Stop stalling! Come on.\nAll: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation...\nAll but Oscar: ...under God...\nAll: ...indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. [Kevin finishes behind the rest of the group]\nAngela: Amen.\nDwight: Excellent. Morning announcements! There's been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and you only, okay? Don't share it. [Kevin looks exasperated] Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself.\nErin: Ooh, about what?\nDwight: That's on a need-to-know basis.\nErin: I thought I needed to know for your calendar.\nDwight: [quietly] General meet-and-greet. So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.\nJim: Question, if we already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?\nDwight: Define foment.\nJim: You define foment.\nDwight: [clears throat] Please take note of the new color-coding system.\nDwight: [surprising Kelly] Aha!\nKelly: Oh my God, what is wrong with you?\nDwight: Gotcha! Why are you late?\nKelly: It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal.\nDwight: All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area. [Dwight points to her legs and slowly moves his finger up, stopping at her mid-section]\nAndy: In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so...\nErin: Oh! Darryl's funny.\nAndy: I know, right?\nGabe: Hey, Andy?\nAndy: Yeah?\nGabe: Can I talk to you a second about these client memos?\nAndy: Sure. What's going on? [in room with Gabe]\nGabe: Are you still in love with Erin?\nAndy: What?\nGabe: Because I am. I need to get her back. [crying] I can't be alone anymore. Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?\nAndy: No, this is horrifying.\nGabe: No. I don't like being alone with me either, okay? I have to get her back. Are you still gonna date her?\nAndy: We're just friends, okay?\nGabe: Do you promise that?\nAndy: Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now?\nGabe: No, just give me a second. I don't want anyone to know I've been crying.\nDwight: [seeing the Join the Fist flyers that Jim is hanging] Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's the Fist?\nJim: Oh, it's just a social club. You know, like the French Revolution, or the Black Panthers, or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking, you know.\nDwight: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?\nJim: Nope. Social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. [Darryl enters and brandishes his fist, Jim returns the gesture]\nDwight: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.\nJim: And we would love to have you. But not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything, but I have noted it. [Dwight tears the sign down, Jim hangs two signs in its place]\nKevin: [inputting numbers into the copier and holding up the line] One...\nStanley: [refills his coffee near a sign that reads 'Honor System: $0.50' with a camera pointed at it]\nAndy: Pam, I have to show you this video. You're gonna love it. It's Beyonce falling with a fart mixed in. [buzzer to indicate a blocked web site]\nDwight: I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.\nKevin: [looking at empty vending machine] No food now? Someone has to do something about Dwight!\nCreed: He put some snacks in the freezer for us.\nPam: You mean the frozen mice for the piranha?\nCreed: No. The blueberry Slurpee pouch.\nPhyllis: He means the ice pack.\nErin: [on phone] 2:00 should probably be okay. I can either take your number or - [Gabe ends the call]\nGabe: I'm sorry. This can't wait.\nErin: He's just gonna call back.\nGabe: Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. Uh, uh, I sure as hell don't believe in God. [Erin and Angela both look taken aback]\nErin: [quietly] What?\nGabe: Or maybe there's a God. I don't know. I mean, it's just not a guy with a long white beard. [Erin looks shocked] Or it could be. I mean, it's possible that that is exactly what - what God is. But for all of the disbelief [phone rings] I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum [phone continues ringing] out... there... uh, do we not have voicemail?\nErin: Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages.\nGabe: Well... it's just... [ringing] it messes up my rhythm.\nErin: I'm taking a break from dating. Gabe was a great guy with so many wonderful qualities, but it was a challenge being touched by him.\nJim: Wow, you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic.\nDwight: Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim. The gun is a Beaumont-Adams. Jo collects them. I thought we could have some nice small talk about it. And the piranha's a rescue.\nJim: And the desk.\nDwight: The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek. Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.\nJim: I promise...d other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...\nDwight: Don't make me fire you.\nJim: You can't fire me. You're acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers.\nDwight: Don't make me pre-fire you.\nJim: You wouldn't dare.\nDwight: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired.\nJim: [quietly] If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.\nDwight: What?\nJim: If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, 'Well that's pretty premature to think,' but I always say, it's better to be pre-pre-preprepared.\nDwight: How you doing, Jordan?\nJordan: I'm good.\nDwight: Everyone here thinks that you're a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks, which won't last long anyway. As your pale skin and severe bone structure imply, you'll age swiftly and poorly.\nJordan: Why are you telling me this?\nDwight: Now I want you to find out what people are saying about me, things they don't want me to know abou-[Dwight opens a box and sits down in shock] Ohh... it's a holster.\nDwight: [walking around the office with the holster around his waist] Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Lookin' good. [grunts] Ohh... [stretching out his arms to better indicate the gun and holster] Oh, what a day. What a day.\nPam: Dwight, are you carrying a gun?\nDwight: The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. Um, I don't know. I guess he's saying that he's proud of me.\nAndy: Dwight, guns make me really uncomfortable.\nDwight: The gun is just an accessory to the holster, okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster.\nPam: Why do you need to wear the holster at all?\nDwight: Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?\nAngela: Thank you.\nPhyllis: You could put your cell phone in it instead.\nDwight: Uh... hello! [indicates his phone clipped onto his belt]\nKevin: You could put a banana in it.\nDwight: Why would I put a banana in my holster?\nKevin: In case you weren't hungry now, but you got hungry later.\nPam: Dwight, no gun, okay? Don't make us call Jo.\nDwight: Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah! [Dwight goes to flip the gun and it fires near Andy's ear, making everyone jump]\nErin: Andy!\nAndy: Aah! Aah! It's so loud!\nOscar: My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?\nAndy: [trying to find a pitch] Eeeeeeee... There's like this crazy ringing going on. I can't - eeeeeee... I can't find perfect C.\nMeredith: Okay, everyone make a list of what's lost for the insurance. I lost a necklace, a ring, a painting-\nToby: Hey, what happened?\nKelly: Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head.\nDwight: No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun.\nAndy: [scatting off-key] Something's definitely wrong.\nOscar: I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms?\nAngela: Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD.\nOscar: [buzzer to indicate a blocked site] Firewall.\nGabe: I can't reach Jo. She must already be on the plane.\nDwight: Okay, why are you calling Jo?\nAndy: I think I should go the hospital.\nErin: I'll go with you.\nGabe: No! We really shouldn't be without a receptionist. Now more than ever.\nDarryl: I'll take him.\nAndy: Thank you, Darryl. [Andy limps out of his chair and leans on Darryl for support]\nDarryl: What's wrong with you?\nAndy: It's my ear.\nDarryl: Yeah.\nAndy: Okay, sorry.\nToby: [excitedly] Oh, I should get the accident report binder. I've never used the gun violence forms before.\nGabe: I'm gonna keep trying Jo.\nDwight: Okay, everyone! Conference room, right now!\nDwight: [enters with a cowboy hat, speaking with a Western accent] Yee-haw! Whoo-hoo! [imitates gunfire] Howdy, partners! It's me, Gun-Safety Dwight! And I'm the rootin'-est- [removes hat] I can't do this. Um, look. Obviously, a gun went off under my watch, and I'm launching a full investigation.\nStanley: We all saw you do it.\nDwight: Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andy's tie look like?\nErin: Navy blue. Little red anchors.\nDwight: I have no way of knowing if that's true.\nToby: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? [all raise their hands]\nDwight: Okay, really?\nToby: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?\nRyan: I felt terrorized.\nDwight: Come on.\nToby: Oh, there's a whole 'nother terrorism booklet for that.\nDwight: I just really, really think we should handle this internally.\nRyan: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?\nDwight: Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best.\nAndy: Hey. [Erin gasps] We're back.\nDwight: There he is! Our hero! [Both Dwight and Erin move to hug Andy] You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories.\nAndy: Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal.\nDwight: Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.\nAndy: Yeah.\nPhyllis: How's your hearing?\nAndy: Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.\nDarryl: I was talking like this. [mouths words while pointing to his ear] I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me.\nKelly: Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition.\nDwight: American Idol? What? No.\nKelly: Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?\nDwight: No.\nKelly: [singing] Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree?\nDwight: Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition.\nPhyllis: Okay, well, then I want an extra vacation day.\nAngela: Pet Day! I want Pet Day back - no dogs.\nKevin: Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit.\nDwight: I put everything back in the vending machine.\nKevin: Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit.\nPam: You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish.\nDwight: Okay.\nJim: Oh, is it my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... you know what? I think I'm good.\nDwight: Thank God.\nJim: Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in 'Shagadelic, baby,' at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough can you do jazz hands?\nDwight: What's jazz hands?\nJim: [quickly shakes his hands back and forth]\nDwight: Fine.\nDwight: [leaves the men's room with an empty fish tank after flushing the toilet]\nKevin: [after entering the men's room] What the [bleep] is that? [runs out of the bathroom] Oh, my...\nJo: Hey, all! Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers.\nDwight: Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin?\nJo: Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on. Jim Halpert - the only man that ever turned me down.\nJim: Well, I don't know about that. Just wasn't for me. But let me assure you, Dwight is firing on all cylinders. Right?\nJo: Well, some pretty big shoes to fill. I was sorry to hear about Deangelo. He was a good man. Tragic. [Jim coughs]\nDwight: [does jazz hands, Jo notices and eyes him oddly] Well, what can you do? Life.\nAndy: We have to clean this up now!\nErin: She had so much -\nGabe: Hey, guys.\nErin: Hey.\nGabe: Hope I'm not interrupting anything.\nAndy: No! [Erin and Andy laugh]\nGabe: Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again?\nAndy: Uh...\nGabe: I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that.\nAndy: Did I say that earlier? Yes, I did. Because you, Gabe, were crying...\nGabe: No, I was not.\nAndy: And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.\nDwight: Oscar, can you print out last year's sale statements?\nKevin: Hey, Dwight, gimme a back massage.\nDwight: No, Kevin, come on.\nKevin: My back is sore, Dwight. Massage it.\nDwight: Kevin, not now.\nKevin: Hey, Jo!\nDwight: Okay, okay. Shh! [Dwight begins rubbing his shoulders]\nKevin: No, under the jacket.\nDwight: You're kidding me. [reaches under Kevin's jacket] Oh God, what am I touching? It's moist.\nKevin: I don't feel anything.\nDwight: Oh, it's so wet.\nKevin: Push harder, Dwight.\nDwight: I can't. I can't push harder!\nKevin: Go a little higher. There you go. Nope, higher. Higher. [Dwight has positioned his feet on the filing cabinet behind Kevin and is kneading his back horizontally]\nDwight: Okay, how's that?\nKevin: Knead it. Knead it like a pizza.\nDwight: I'm kneading it!\nKevin: Don't eat it.\nJo: Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?\nDwight: Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.\nJo: What?!\nDwight: I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse -\nJo: Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same - you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?\nDwight: It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.\nJo: Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.\nDwight: I take full responsibility.\nJo: Who else would be responsible?\nDwight: Pam made me put a banana in my holster.\nPam: You shot a gun off -\nDwight: Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.\nJo: Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.\nDwight: Got it.\nJo: I love you, Dwight. But you don't fit this job.\nDwight: [on the verge of tears] Jo, please... I will -\nJo: No, child. No. It's over. Now I gotta find a replacement for my replacement.\nJo: You three are my search committee. You're in charge of finding me my next manager. All righty?\nGabe: Yep.\nJim: Yep.\nJo: Till then, we need a new acting manager. Now, who's got the most experience in this office?\nToby: Uh, well, we probably don't want to go just on seniority.\nJo: Who is it?\nJim: Hey, Dwight. What's up?\nDwight: Shut up.\nJim: Well, you do know that Jo was right to take the job away from you, right? There's no debating that. But, I will say... in your one week, every single one of the orders went out on time. And I think that is shagadelic, baby. [Dwight sees Creed claiming the desk in the manager's office]\nAngela: [giving Kevin numbers for the copier] Four, one, seven, one...\nKevin: Another one?\nDarryl and Angela: Yes!\nAngela: Seven, two...\nOscar: Could you turn the volume down on the beeping?\nAngela: Six, nine, shut up, Oscar. Eight...\nDarryl: Nine first.\nAngela: Nine, eight, five...\nKevin: Thank you.\nAngela: Three, zero, zero. Again, zero. Four, six...\nKevin: Nice.\nAngela: Two, one...\nKevin: Oh, I hit three. I hit three.\nAngela: God!"}
{"text": "Creed: [drives up to the entrance of the building, his license plate reads 'NEW MGR'] It's a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin, or as I like to call it, Great Bratton. [gets out of car, tosses his keys toward a nonexistent valet parker] Keep it running.\nCreed: Do I love being manager?... I love my kids. I love real estate. [slowly getting more excited] I love ceramics. I love my job. I-I love wrestling.\nCreed: [to Jordan] Find out what language this is. [speaking in strange language]\nCreed: [running a meeting in the conference room] Okay, team building! On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy, [camera switches to show only Meredith and Kevin have attended the meeting, Jim walks by and sees this] and this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed...\nJim: He never called a meeting.\nCreed: [pointing at a whiteboard with BOBODDY written on the left side, vertically] BO-BODDY! BO-BODDY. What does the first 'B' stand for?\nPam: What are we doing?\nCreed: We're making acronyms. Okay! What does the first 'B' stand for?\nKevin: Um... Business!\nCreed: I like it! Business! Good, Kevin! [writes after the first B, I, Z, N, U...] All right! The 'O'...\nPam: We need a new manager.\nJim: [conducting interview] Your paper experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here?\nFred Henry: Absolutely-I, yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your profits.\nJim: Really?\nFred: Yeah.\nJim: [waiting for Fred to continue] ...What is it?\nFred: Nice try.\nToby: I'm sorry, what is your three-step plan?\nFred: Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you'll get the plan.\nGabe: Well... it's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan.\nFred: [speaking faster] Well, I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it. You're in paper, right?\nGabe: How would we know that, if you don't...\nJim: You could just be saying it to get the job.\nFred: I guess I could be, if I was... who would do that?\nJim: How about this. Why don't you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it.\nFred: Tell you what. I'll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part.\nJim: Okay.\nFred: Color-code sent documents, TM.\nJim: Did you just trademark that...\nToby: [confused] W-What?\nFred: That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement.\nJim: We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by our CEO, and tasked to find this branch's new manager. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? [Andy, Kelly, and Darryl are each dressed up in suits for their interviews, Andy is also wearing an 'Andy for Manager?' pin on his jacket] And, to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house, so, I'm not too worried. But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe. [quietly] Did you know that Gabe's last name was Lewis? I had no idea.\nStanley: [in elevator with Phyllis and Darryl, all three are smiling, to Darryl] Good morning.\nDarryl: Good morning.\nPhyllis: [also to Darryl] Good morning.\nDarryl: Good morning.\nPhyllis: Did you have a nice drive in?\nDarryl: I did.\nDarryl: I have a solid relationship with Jo, the company's owner. I have management experience. I have a good friendship with Jim, the head of the Search Committee, and it doesn't hurt that I'm... [in Oprah-like sing-song voice] bla-aaack!\nAndy: [puts up a poster in the break room with 'IF YOU ARE ON THE SEARCH COMMITTEE PLEASE CONSIDER ANDY' on it in bold lettering]\nErin: [commenting on the poster] It's good. I really hope you get it!\nAndy: The manager job? Nah, I'm barely interested. I just can't not go for it. You know, it's not the Bernard way. We give it the old college try, and then, in defeat, we show grace.\nErin: Still, I'd really like to see this office with you in the boss's chair.\nAndy: Don't even... [getting really happy and excited] EEEHHHH!!!!\nErin: You in the boss's chair!\nAndy: EEEHHH!! No. Hehe.\nAndy: In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don't know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and... [awkwardly smiling] we'll see what Rosa comes back with.\nErin: [checks to see that she is alone with Phyllis] Did you hear anything?\nPhyllis: Oh, I'm sure they'll let us know when they get the results. [Erin crosses fingers and smiles excitedly]\nPhyllis: It turns out that Erin was born in the basic time and region that I gave away a child.\nErin: So, Phyllis might be my mom. I mean, the chances are tiny, but...\nPhyllis: But, probably not, I mean, it was a big year for babies. Porky's had come out.\nErin: Yeah. I'm sure I was just another Porky's baby.\nPhyllis: Mm.\nErin: But why not find out.\nPhyllis: Yeah.\nPam: [to Dwight, who is reading the want ads] Should you really be so blatant about that?\nDwight: They won't make me manager, and I won't settle for anything less. I've gone about as far as I can here. That's obvious. Time to take my talents elsewhere.\nPam: Are you really going to apply for work at Scranton Breadworks?\nDwight: Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.\nWarren Buffett: Can you do any better on salary?\nJim: Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate.\nWarren: What about mileage when I use my car? I mean, gas ain't cheap, you know.\nJim: Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous.\nWarren: How about 27? And uh, when I make long-distance calls, will they be monitored or is it on the honor system?\nAngela: [on phone] Okay. [hangs up, smiling] How odd, a very unusual phone call from the Senator's office. The Senator wants me to have lunch with him at The Botanical Gardens.\nKevin: The Botanical Gardens, Scranton's hidden gem. Don't eat any berries you don't recognize.\nToby: How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here?\nRobert California: You don't work in sales, do you.\nToby: Uh... Human Resources.\nRobert: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only... sex. Everything... is sex. You understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth,... Toby.\nToby: Yes.\nGabe: Okay, I-I am, I'm almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this, then Gabe stops chuckling] Do you, um, do you think that you are?\nRobert: Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?\nGabe: No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim]\nJim: Can you... [seems intimidated, clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence... would be... in a dialogue with a subordinate?\nRobert: Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? You can answer me.\nJim: Yes.\nRobert: That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object... whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we've had already, you won't be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim?\nJim: Yes.\nRobert: [more emphatically than Jim] Yes. You do. [nods at the Search Committee, then looks over at the camera with a smirk on his face]\nJim: [Robert leaves the conference room and looks at the others in the office as he grins at the camera and leaves] He creeps me out. [Toby nods] But, I think he might be a genius.\nAndy: [Jim points at Darryl to be the next interviewee] Good luck, Darryl.\nDarryl: [pats Andy on the back] Thank you.\nDarryl: Think about it! What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal? I mean, you don't see a bear drinking raccoon milk.\nJim: [Jim and Gabe laugh, Toby smiles and nods] Oh.\nDarryl: So this is cool. I think we make a good fit. [stands up]\nGabe: Oh? Uh... we haven't started the interview yet. Were you-were you joking?\nDarryl: Uh... [looks at camera] yes?! I was. [sits back down] Little joke!\nToby: So, how would you go about settling interpersonal conflicts within the office?\nDarryl: I thought that was your job.\nToby: Well, it's one of my strengths, but it's the manager's job.\nJim: Well, for instance, how did you deal with it when two warehouse guys got into a fight?\nDarryl: I'll answer that, Jim. I would use it as an opportunity to teach, uh, about actions... and consequences... of actions. [Jim and Gabe stare at Darryl]\nDarryl: [noticing Erin in the background leading a black man dressed in a suit through the office] Who's that?\nJim: [ignoring Darryl's question] So I think all we need is a resume, and we'll be good right?\nDarryl: I... I just thought you knew me.\nJim: Yeah, it's no big deal, just something that looks like that. [shows Darryl a resume] Cool? [goes to put the resume away]\nDarryl: Let me... [Jim shows him the resume again, Darryl looks at it a little longer this time] Oh. Cool. [Jim gives Darryl a thumbs-up, then looks at the camera as Darryl gets up to leave]\nMerv Bronte: [at the cafe on the first floor] Did, uh, you just interview?\nRobert: Ohh, unfortunately, yes.\nMerv: What do you mean?\nRobert: That business can't attract anyone. It's awful up there. Those people seem like they're in prison, waiting out life sentences in a... dying industry.\nMerv: Place must be horrible. I don't know if I want this job. [gets on elevator]\nMerv: [in elevator] Well, if I get this job offer, and then I know that I'm gonna take it, and if I take it, I know that I'm never gonna quit, and then 25 years are gonna go by and... I'm gonna die here.\nDwight: What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? [Robert stares at Dwight] What are you doing..? [Dwight sits up abruptly] Stop trying to figure me out.\nRobert: I just did.\nDwight: You can't.\nRobert: It's done.\nDwight: No, it's not.\nRobert: I know you now, your nature. I'm done. Not worth continuing. [at the same time, Dwight says: You don't know me! Anything about me! Get out of my head!]\nDwight: Stop trying to figure me out. [Robert turns to ignore Dwight] Do you even know anything about paper? How it's made?\nRobert: I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street. [nods at Dwight mockingly]\nDwight: [standing up] Get out.\nDwight: I'm gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No? That's because I just threw it in the ring.\nMerv: You guys pay for relocation, though, right?\nToby: Well, why would you need relocation, if you already live in Scranton?\nMerv: Well, I'd want to move further away, you know? Just... I don't want any chance to run into my co-workers outside the office.\nJim: Can I ask why you're leaving your current job?\nMerv: [pulls out a tupperware from his briefcase and takes out a tupperware] I'm leaving my other job because they were all jerks, really. [opens tupperware] You know, all of 'em. You had your jerk-wads, and your jerk-offs, so, just between the wads and the offs, I just... I had to get outta there. [begins eating sandwich]\nJim: Is this a bad time to be doing this?\nMerv: I'm having a bad time. [chuckles]\nToby: I'm sorry, if we did something to upset you, I'm sure it was inadvertent.\nMerv: [continues to chew, slower and slower, appears confused] Wait.\nMerv: Oh, why did I believe that weirdo in the lobby? These are the nicest people I ever met.\nAngela: [limo driver lets Angela out of the limo at the office parking lot] Thank you.\nPam: [looking at an engagement ring on Angela's finger] It's gorgeous, Angela.\nKelly: Yeah, I actually know about nice rings and it is gorgeous.\nMeredith: [looks at ring, whispering] Wow...\nAngela: It's a little flashy. I mean, what am I? Naomi Judd?\nMeredith: Tell us the freaking story!\nKevin: Yeah! Tell us a story.\nAngela: Okay. He took me to the replica of Monet's Japanese bridge, and then he put this flower behind my ear, which normally, I would hate, 'cause it's so civil rightsy. Then he got down on one knee, and he said, will you be a Senator's wife?\nPam: [laughing] Oh-ho-ho! He talked about himself in the third person?\nAngela: Yes, Pam. Not everyone is as informal as you and Jim. [imitating Jim's voice] Oh, hey Pam, dude, whatever, wanna marry me? [Erin, Kelly, and Meredith laugh]\nPam: That's not accurate.\nAngela: Then I saw flashes. Reporters were there. They always find us. And everyone was crying, even his aide. [camera pans and shows Oscar in disbelief]\nOscar: Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, [smiles] I'm a little excited. [expression becomes serious again] But overall, horrified.\nJim: Andy? You all set?\nAndy: Okay, guys, it's time. It's pep talk time. Tell me what I need to hear.\nPhyllis: Are you sure this is a good idea? I hate to see you disappointed.\nAndy: [grunts] Augh.\nErin: I think Andy should be the boss. He's just so great. If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course.\nJim: So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager?\nAndy: For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here... [gets cut off by Gabe]\nGabe: Whoa! That's a very heavy accusation to level against Toby.\nAndy: I wasn't acc-, accusing...\nGabe: Well, Toby's in charge of Human Resources, that would include communication. I think that Toby's done a fine job.\nAndy: Right! I really wasn't trying to insult any, anyone.\nToby: I didn't think you were.\nGabe: I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship, and I have a professional relationship. Personally, yeah, I think he's a rat, and I think he's responsible for the demise of my relationship with Erin. Professionally,... he broke up the happiest couple in this office!\nGabe: How many windows are there in New York City?\nAndy: What?\nGabe: Critical thinking. Common, on-the-spot question asked in an interview.\nAndy: Okay. Let me think... are you counting car windows?\nGabe: No... How far away is the Sun?\nAndy: [happily] Uh, 93 million miles.\nJim: [to Gabe] Is it?\nAndy: Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles, which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth, and... [Gabe looks visibily annoyed] 333,000 times heavier than the Earth,...\nGabe: Shut up about the Sun! SHUT UP about the SUN! [slams fist, hurting his hand]\nAndy: [alone in his car] I am unhappy with the confusing and, at times, confrontational nature of that meeting. I wanted it to go better. I WANTED IT TO GO BETTER!!\nDarryl: [on phone] Yes, there used to be a paper clip that would pop up and say 'Looks like you are writing a letter or resume. Would you like help? I believe his name was... [looks embarrassed at camera] Clippy.\nCreed: [on phone] First of all, I want to thank you for your years of patronizing our company. I've got some bad news. We're going out of business. [covers phone, whispers to Pam] Saving face. [uncovers phone] Yep, yep. I understand that. Basically everything is falling apart here. Pam looks around the office and realizes only she has overheard this]\nPam: How is this on me?\nPam: Hang up. [Creed hangs up] Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture. [shows Creed two similar-looking photos of some building] Intel has told us there were at least seven.\nCreed: [takes the pictures] Okay I already see one, gimme. Okay.\nPam: They're the same picture.\nKelly: Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, god, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.\nJim: Your department's just you, right?\nKelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.\nGabe: Great! [to Jim and Toby] Um, can we just... [does a 'wrap it up' motion with his pen]\nKelly: What was that?\nGabe: We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so... [nods]\nKelly: [getting upset] Am I not a serious candidate?\nGabe: What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from England. [to Jim and Toby] Are we all just gonna pretend to- okay. [to Kelly] Um, what are your weaknesses?\nKelly: I don't have any, assh***.\nDwight: [comes in, slapping some papers on the table] I want an interview.\nDwight: [walking with Jim in the parking lot] How's the family?\nJim: Good!\nDwight: Good. They good?\nJim: Yeah.\nDwight: What's your daughter's name again? Peepee?\nJim: Peepa.\nDwight: Peepa, how is she?\nJim: Great.\nDwight: Great! Oh, that's great... We never were very good at small talk, were we, Jim?\nJim: No.\nDwight: Now, listen,...\nJim: You're not getting an interview, Dwight. The whole point of this Search Committee process is to prevent hiring someone like you ever again.\nDwight: Okay, I know why you're saying that, Jim, I really do, but think of it this way. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat [motions to grip Jim's throat] is the strong hand you want on the wheel.\nJim: [pulls Dwight's arm down] Okay. That's vivid.\nDwight: I'm going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview, I will guarantee you your dream work life. Okay? You roll in at 10 a.m. to your own private reserved parking spot, pick up your daily free coffee from Dwight's Caffeine Corner, unlimited sex breaks for you and Pam...\nJim: Yikes.\nDwight: Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment.\nJim: Well, you know how I like taking bribes. [both smile]\nDwight: Ha ha! [pats Jim on the back]\nJim: Unfortunately, Jo also took the job away from you because she doesn't trust your judgment. So how would that look for me, if I recommended you?\nDwight: Fine. I'll do it without you, but you'll regret this.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: Let me get that for you. [runs ahead to open the door for Jim]\nJim: Thank you.\nDwight: Okay. [looks ashamed]\nOscar: Pam... I think Robert is gay.\nPam: The Senator? [Oscar nods] He was married before, and he has a kid.\nOscar: [whispers] So!?\nPam: And don't say that thing about how lots of gay guys have kids.\nOscar: I have a very strong suspicion.\nPam: Did you see him at a bathhouse?\nOscar: What bathhouse?\nPam: The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins.\nOscar: [confused, whispers] What?\nPam: Forget it. I'm never gonna know what goes on there.\nOscar: My friend at the Scranton Blade is totally plugged into these matters.\nPam: You're in the gay mafia.\nOscar: You're thinking of another group. Much wealthier, much older. [whispers, smiles] You sound ignorant.\nRyan: You guys, um, talking Senator?\nPam: No.\nOscar: No. Why would we be talking about the Senator?\nRyan: Cause he's totally gay? [walks away]\nRyan: Um, how do I know that Robert is gay? He 'liked' my facebook photos at 3 o'clock in the morning.\nDavid Brent: [on video resume on a laptop] Name? David Brent. Occupation? Inspirer. Status? None of your business. Young, free, and single, though. Thanks for asking. Hear you're looking for a new boss. Yeah? Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, underencouraged drones what to do every day. Is that it? Oh. Our out-of-touch powers that be? Want me to fire them, if they don't see things your way? Then I ain't that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law. What? You've changed your mind? You're now looking for a leader of men? Ipso facto, women too. [points at self] When do I start? Yeah. [Jim looks uninterested in this candidate]\nPhyllis: Do you know what it took to get Bob to notice me? I waited in his office every morning wearing nothing but kitty-cat ears. I did that every day for two weeks. And on the tenth day he walked in, he was naked too, except a dog nose. Guess what we did then?\nErin: [trying to cut off Phyllis] I... I don't think I can do that.\nPhyllis: Bestiality. Yeah.\nErin: Well, that's not my personality.\nPhyllis: If my daughter were asking me... [both giggle]\nErin: Yes?\nPhyllis: I would say, if you want someone, if you really want them,... go get them.\nErin: I do really want him.\nDarryl: So, uh... here you go. [gives resume to Jim]\nJim: Great.\nDarryl: Hope it's all right.\nJim: I'm sure it's fine.\nDarryl: The guy who was in here earlier, interviewed after me, how'd he do?\nJim: Howard Cline?\nDarryl: Ehh, that's not who I'm talking about.\nJim: [checks sheet] Oh... Deshaun Williams.\nDarryl: Yes. How did he do?\nJim: He's an amazing man. He's a Rhodes Scholar. He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser...\nDarryl: Come on man. I'm being serious. Don't joke.\nJim: Darryl! We all know you. Your interview is not nearly as important as the other guys. [Darryl taps a couple times on Jim's desk and walks away]\nNellie Bertram: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls.\nToby: But there aren't...\nNellie: Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title.\nGabe: A little un-specific.\nNellie: Everyone would be known for their accomplishments.\nJim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?\nNellie: Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them. [overlapping comments by the Search Committee] At least once a month, the lowest performing person... [does a cut-throat hand gesture] bye bye!\nGabe: How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR?\nNellie: Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how.\nGabe: Okay.\nNellie: By splitting the difference. Just... just, somewhere in the middle.\nJim: I think that's probably all we need to hear from...\nNellie: Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor.\nJim: That's very...\nNellie: You've got a Thai woman, out in the back. Sockee! Sockee!\nGabe: Okay, that's not gonna be...\nNellie: Sockee!... is her name. Okay? Shes administering massage, all right, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you...you are cracking to go. [smiles]\nOscar: Is there a front runner?\nJim: You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while.\nOscar: Well, there must be someone who stands out.\nJim: No, not at all. In fact, I'm not even taking it seriously. I think at the end of the day, I'm just gonna pick a name out of the hat.\nOscar: Well...\nStanley: The hell you will! I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to.\nRyan: [in mock seriousness] Oh no, Stanley... you'll live forever...\nStanley: My next boss will be my last boss. He'll be at my funeral. So I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously. [dunks his half-eaten donut in Jim's coffee, takes it back out, and leaves]\nJim: Uh-\nMeredith: You pick a crappy boss, you're responsible for my crappy life. [leaves]\nJim: Okay, everybody, I was just making a joke. I am taking it seriously, I promise.\nOscar: Are you? [leaves]\nRyan: Little advice? Take a day off from the whole Jim schtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels... James. [closes his office door, leaving Jim alone in the break room]\nJo: [walks in with her dogs] Gabe, honey! Oh, lord. Take all this. [gives the dog leashes and multiple bags to Gabe]\nGabe: All right.\nJo: Here. Jim! Did you hear Stern this morning?\nJim: No, was it good?\nJo: Ohh, Robin was good. She's always good. Keeps him on his toes. Its Howard's show though. [picks up resume from Jim's desk] Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Ohh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... a little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company?\nDarryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced.\nJo: Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory. 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?\nDarryl: Paper material, ma'am.\nJo: Paper material?\nDarryl: [softly] Pieces of paper. [Jo rolls her eyes]\nDwight: [clears throat] Jo, may I speak to you for a second?\nJo: Or what? You gonna shoot me?\nDwight: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh, I enjoy laughing at my mistakes, because I've learned so much from them. I'd like to be interviewed for the position.\nJo: I'll interview you right now.\nDwight: Okay.\nJo: Question 1. Ever shot a gun in the office?\nDwight: It's complicated.\nJo: Yeah, but see... it's not.\nPhyllis: I don't think we should tell her. Angela went a whole day without telling me I had lettuce in my teeth. Screw her.\nPam: I'm a woman. I would want to know.\nMeredith: Yeah, you gotta know.\nKevin: Okay, but if Angela can get a gay man to marry her, maybe I could get a lesbian to marry me? Huh? Huh? That's hot.\nOscar: You have met a lesbian in real life, right?\nPhyllis: You know, this is probably is her last chance at a family.\nPam: She does seem happy.\nOscar: You're right. You're right. She seems happy. We don't tell her.\nKevin: We don't tell her.\nPam: Okay.\nKelly: Excuse me, Ms. Bennett, may I have a word?\nJo: Okay.\nKelly: Uh,... can it be in private? [to Gabe] Don't worry, it's not about you. [Gabe smiles and leaves] As Minority Executive, I think it's my responsibility to let you know that Gabe is gross. I don't think it's professional that he was sleeping with the receptionist, and then when Erin dumped him, so that she could be with Andy, he became a total crazy stalker psycho.\nJo: Welcome to Scranton, Jo. Land of a thousand problems only you can fix. [Jo's phone starts vibrating, she picks it up and sees Dwight has texted her 'Dwight's ability as a manager has lead him to higher levels of proffesional success,'] Oh for god's sake. He's texting me his resume one line at a time. These are costing me ten cents a piece, you jackass! I'm roaming!\nCreed: [to Jordan] Get me our biggest client on the phone, right this instant. [closes his office door]\nJordan: Who is our biggest client?\nPam: Uh, just put him through to me.\nJordan: [laughs] Okay.\nPam: Hello! This is... the client.\nCreed: It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps, you in?\nPam: Yes.\nCreed: Hehehe, cool. Let's keep this on the QT, okay? I uh, I don't want you to be a dead mamma jamma.\nPam: Great.\nCreed: All right, thank you, bye-bye.\nPam: Thank you, bye-bye.\nErin: [knocks and enters] Jo, you have one more candidate. He's a burn victim.\nJo: Huh?\nErin: [motions toward her face] He's all messed up. I can tell him to get lost if you want.\nJo: No, send him in. [to Search Committee] Who is this?\nGabe: I have no idea.\nJim: [seeing Dwight wearing sunglasses and whose face and hands are completely covered in gauze] Oh, I know this guy. [Dwight awkwardly hands copies of his resume to the Search Committee] Hello! Mr. 'Soo-ven-yay.' Mr. 'Jacques Soo-ven-yay.' Nice to meet you. It says here you're French. [Dwight nods] So you worked at your last job for 15 years as Assistant to the Regional Manager.\nDwight: [mumbling through the gauze] Assistant Regional Manager.\nJim: Assistant to the Regional Manager.\nDwight: [again] Assistant Regional Manager.\nJim: What is it?\nDwight: [in a cheesy French accent] Assistant Regional Manager.\nJim: Oh, that's my mistake, sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper? That's a travesty.\nJo: I want to talk to Dwight Schrute for a second. I want to ask him a question. [Gabe gets up to leave] If he isn't here in sixty seconds...\nDwight: Uhh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo... [takes off sunglasses and reveals his face] It's me. I'm Dwight.\nJim: [looks extremely confused] No. No! Wait, but, I mean, you're Dwight, and then... he's the... [trails off]\nDwight: [whispers] Yeah.\nJim: [looks astonished] Ohhhh!\nGabe: Very unprofessional, 'Jacques.' Or, should I say, Dwight.\nJo: Let's just say I had hired this Jack Souvenir. Then what?\nDwight: I would have dressed this way every day, legally changed my name, learned French sign language, shown up, and been the best damn branch manager you'd ever seen!\nJo: All that for this job.\nDwight: Yes.\nJo: That's f***ing crazy. [Jo and Dwight both smile] Get outta here. [Dwight leaves] What a nutjob.\nJim: This guy was good. Although, he did keep saying that he needed two weeks off right at the beginning for a trip to the finger lakes. Seriously. Every five minutes, he was like, 'just making sure the finger lakes thing is clear.'\nJo: Okay, it's fun to talk about the rejects, but uh, who's got ya excited?\nJim: Finger Lakes guy is good. Darryl is also very good.\nJo: Who's this fella? Went to Cornell. What's wrong with him?\nGabe: How much time do you have? Sales ability? None. Integrity? See sales ability. [makes a 'zero' hand gesture]\nJo: And that's your unbiased opinion.\nGabe: Yes, it is.\nJo: So it's not relevant that he took the receptionist away from you?\nGabe: Oh, Jo. Jo, I'm disappointed in you. Some people let personal things into the workpl-. Is she with him? Because I thought that she was...\nJo: Gabe...ugh... you got all close to these people. Got involved in their lives. Let's get you back to Florida. We'll figure out something for you.\nGabe: That sounds like a promotion!\nJo: It's not. Let's get Kelly in here to take his place.\nJim: Um... why Kelly?\nJo: Cause Gabe's tall and weak. She's short and strong. I'm doing an opposites thing.\nJim: Okay.\nJo: How'd my girl Nellie do?\nJim: Oh, I didn't know you knew her?\nJo: She didn't mention it?\nJim: No.\nJo: Integrity move. I like it.\nJim: You know, she also gave me a reason to think that maybe she wasn't a good fit.\nJo: Well, I'm not saying you must hire her. If you find someone who's clearly a fit, then fine. Just make sure they fit real good. No more manager turnover. Don't mess this up, Jim. And give Dwight an interview. I like a little bit of crazy.\nErin: [hiding under desk, raises a sock puppet up, talking in high-pitched voice] Ahh!\nOscar: Erin, what are you doing?\nErin: I've been turned into a puppet!\nOscar: Okay. [walks away]\nKevin: [giggling, walks to Erin's desk] Look at the puppet! Hi, puppet! Who are you?\nErin: I went to drop off the FedEx forms and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet!\nKevin: [giggles] Yeah. Low blow, puppet.\nErin: And there's only one thing that can change me back into a real girl.\nKevin: It's good. It's just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet. Not for me... but, if any kids are watching... A, B, and so forth. You know,... M-N-L-O, P... F...\nErin: [as sock puppet] I need the most special thing in the office.\nDwight: Silence?\nErin: A date with the best salesman... Andy Bernard! [Andy walks over to Erin's desk]\nAndy: Hey, Erin.\nErin: [gets up] Oh.\nAndy: Where'd you learn how to puppet like that?\nErin: [shrugs] I've done it all my life.\nAndy: Listen, I'm really flattered, but I don't think we should.\nAndy: Erin's my best friend in this office, hands down, but... when she asked me out, I just didn't have that feeling, you know? [clip jumps ahead] Aren't there some things that you really want to like, but you just can't... seem to like it, like, Mad Men... or football... [clips jumps ahead] Let's not forget, Erin chose Gabe over me. That happened. I'm not going to apologize for getting over her, okay? I'm sorry. [clip jumps ahead] I would go for someone who's more... she's great, though.\nAngela: [loudly] Stanley, I won't be able to invite everyone to the wedding, because we want to keep it to 350.\nStanley: I'll get over it.\nAngela: I mean, we just have to see how many Senators and members of Congress want to attend, before we can open it up to regular people. Pam, you know how you and Jim did your ironic wedding? [Pam looks confused] Do you still have the plans for the dream wedding that you couldn't afford?\nPam: That was our dream wedding.\nAngela: Niagara Falls? Pregnant? That was your dream? Pork medallions?\nPam: [looks over at Oscar, who is quietly watching this happen] I hope... you have a very beautiful wedding, Angela.\nAngela: Hmm.\nJim: All right. Name.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute.\nJim: Thank you, Mr. Schnoot. [closes his binder] We will let you know.\nDwight: You have to interview me...\nJim: I just did. The answer to that one question told me everything I need to know.\nDwight: I demand more questions!\nJim: [ignoring Dwight] All right, guys, good day, a lot of candidates. Let's discuss.\nDwight: Okay! If you're not going to interview me, then I'll do it.\nJim: Yes.\nDwight: What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety, profits, fostering a community of self-reliance and entrepreneurship, listening, respect for human life, bolstering our public image, and... [chuckles] getting everyone home on time. Dwight, let me be frank. In an accident that no one can blame you for, an antique gun was discharged while you were acting manager. How are we ever to trust you again? [whispering] That's a great question. [Jim nods] I am going to institute a strict no-firearms policy for this office that extends to myself as well. Wow. All of my concerns are disappearing.\nJim: Thank you, Dwight.\nDwight: Thank you. [clears throat and gets up] You'll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute, and I think you're gonna like the call you're going to receive. [smiles] Oh, come on. I'm just happy that I got this meeting. [leaves]\nJim: Well, that was quick.\nKelly: [sighs] Very, very interesting. And you know what? I'm impressed.\nJim: He's not a real candidate.\nKelly: I don't know, Jim, 'cause, makes me think about something my grandfather used to say, which is that, sometimes, the hand that jumps out of the grave and grabs you around the throat; that is the hand that you want on the wheel.\nJim: You took the deal.\nKelly: Yeah, it was a great deal.\nJim: That's not okay.\nKelly: I don't know. Dwight seems like a great leader to me, and I look forward to the personal perks that he promised me privately. What do you think, Toby?\nToby: Well, we could try him out for a little while... [Jim drops his pen, looks exasperated] and if it doesn't work out, you know, maybe one of us could, you know, step in...\nJim: What is happening right now?\nPhyllis: Is it true that you're making Dwight the manager?\nJim: No, why would you think that?\nPhyllis: He and Kelly said, then they pre-fired me.\nJim: Okay. [walks out of conference room] Okay, guys, just so you all know, no decision has been made, and Dwight is definitely not the boss.\nKelly: That is correct. Actually, Dwight is not the manager yet.\nJim: No, no, no. Not ever, 'cause that's not gonna happen.\nDwight: Well, it's not entirely up to you, is it? Seems to me like someone's getting a little power-mad.\nJim: Am I the only one who remembers what he did when he was in charge? I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy.\nAndy: Tuna... You're completely sane.\nJim: Thank you.\nAndy: Who do you like for the job? Is there anyone who maybe was a little underwhelming at first, but now seems like a safe, if not slightly unexciting, choice?\nJim: Okay, seems like everybody has an opinion. So, who else? Anybody?\nKevin: Do you mean it? Anybody? Are you sure?\nJim: [while sighing] I suppose I am.\nKevin: Okay... well what do 'I' want in a manager?... let me see. [walks slowly across the office] what do 'I' want?...\nOscar: I don't think he meant, that-\nKevin: So now anyone gets to talk at any times?\nOscar: Go ahead.\nKevin: What do 'I' want?... I'm looking for someone... who... [smiles] Everyone is listening to me. [Dwight looks at the camera, annoyed]\nOscar: Can I say...?\nJim: Yes.\nOscar: I think it should be Darryl.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: What a surprise! Minorities sticking together.\nOscar: Kelly's on your side.\nKelly: I'm sorry, is that all you think of me? A minority? I am so much more than that. I am a dancer, I'm a singer, I'm a fashion designer.\nAndy: Whoever it is, I think they should be lame. [Stanley shakes his head and rolls his eyes] Kind a a non-threatening, moderate personality.\nRyan: I want an outsider.\nJim: Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really-\nRyan: No, I mean an outsider. Like someone on the margins of society, who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person.\nPam: A homeless person. Really? A homeless person.\nRyan: No, you're right, Pam, let's just leave him to the welfare system and let that handle it.\nPam: No, I want you to say that you think the 'best' person to be our new manager is a homeless person.\nRyan: Let me guess who you want, Pam. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View?\nRyan: I got away with... everything, under the last boss, and it wasn't good for me, at all. So, I want guidance. I want leadership. But don't just, like, boss me around, you know? Like, lead me. Lead me... when I'm in the mood... to be led.\nMeredith: I just want, for once, a smart, professional, decisive, well-hung man in his forties.\nJim: Hey! Hey! Hey!\nMeredith: Okay, fine. Uhh, the guy with a tiny penis. Are you happy? [sarcastically] Let's hire that guy! [Jim looks speechless]\nAndy: She may have a point there... would a small penis work? Small-to-moderate.\nGabe: [walks in] Gotta catch a plane.\nPam: Ohh, hey Gabe, I'm sorry, we... we didn't get you a cake or anything. We're gonna miss you.\nGabe: Oh, well I'm still the corporate liaison to the branch.\nKelly: You are not leaving without giving me a hug. [hugs Gabe] Ughh.\nGabe: Okay, you know what, you don't need to make that sound.\nKelly: I'm sorry! You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be!\nGabe: There are plenty of people who love touching me. [camera zooms to Ryan, who looks at the camera, extremely skeptical] I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they want to do. I will see you all soon.\nKevin: Later, man.\nAll: [various] Good luck! Goodbye! Good luck at your new job.\nRyan: Take care, man.\nDwight: We're gonna miss you, Gabe. [Gabe leaves]\nAndy: [stands up] Uh, listen up. Listen up, ladies. I want the job. There, I said it. I'm educated. I'm capable. I like all of you... and I won't make any changes.\nErin: I see it. [nods and smiles] I see it like I see a mountain that I'm standing in front of [voice cracks] and facing, and I'm like...\nPhyllis: Yeah. [Oscar looks confused] Yeah, Andy would be wonderful as boss. Erin made a good point. [brushes Erin's hair with her hand]\nPhyllis: No, we're not related. I got the call. But... I'll tell her some other day. [smiles]\nJim: What about Darryl? We can all agree that he's a stand-up guy, right?\nAngela: Well, let me be clear. I only speak for myself, and not myself and the Senator. I think we have some wonderful candidates, and there's a great, lively debate here, but let's think about-\nToby: No, no,... no. Sorry. We cut Kevin off for the same thing. You have to have something to say, if you talk. [Angela rolls her eyes and stops talking]\nKevin: Exactly.\nDarryl: [enters the office with his daughter, who runs in and hugs Jim] Jada, no, no, no, Jada, what are you doing? [Jim looks knowingly at the camera] Oh. So sorry, guys. I hope my family didn't disrupt your meeting.\nJada: Daddy, are these the people who are making you manager?\nDarryl: [sighs] Maybe, sweetheart. Single dad. Challenges.\nJada: I don't know if he'd be a good manager [Jim shakes his head and looks wide-eyed at Darryl], but he's a really great dad!\nDarryl: Okay, shush it. This was a mistake. Let's go. [Darryl and Jada leave, Ryan slowly shakes his head]\nPhyllis: It seems like we all know enough to vote. Should we just vote now?\nJim: What? No, no, it's not a vote.\nPhyllis: Then what was this all about?\nJim: I don't know. This conversation really got away from me.\nKelly: I don't care. They can just vote.\nJim: No, they can't. That's not how this is gonna work. [exhales] We're going in this room, we're going to have a meeting. We're gonna make a recommendation to Jo, and she's gonna give you her recommendation on Monday. Okay? [to Kelly and Toby, as they re-enter the conference room] What the hell happened out there? [Kevin tries to follow, but the door is closed on him]\nAndy: Sometimes you hear about people failing upwards. I think I'm about to do that.\nNellie: This job? Oh, yeah, I'll get it. Jo's an old friend. I think... I'm her best friend. She's not my best friend.\nDarryl: Every day I have a blueberry muffin. Today, I did not have a blueberry muffin. Should have had the blueberry muffin... especially considering how incredibly superstitious I am.\nFred: No, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I will be the new boss of... [looks back to glance at lobby directory] Vance Refrigeration.\nMerv: Honestly, I think I... I sabotaged myself. It's like I'm afraid of being happy. Case in point... I was supposed to start another job today.\nRobert: [chuckles] I will get offered the job. That's a... call I've received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause... while they wait to hear my response, and then... my response.\nFinger Lakes Guy: [geeky voice] I want the job. I really do. It's just, the rest of my family's in the Finger Lakes right now. I'm supposed to be in the Finger Lakes right now. I told them I was on a hike; snuck away to do this interview. I gotta get back pretty soon; they'll worry. People disappear in the Finger Lakes.\nDwight: I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch, or... [shrugs] I don't know. Something always works out. [leaves]\nCreed: You remind me so much of my fourth-biggest client.\nPam: [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Is that right?\nCreed: I think you two should meet.\nPam: Well, okay!\nCreed: Hey Jordana! Patch my ninth- and fourth-biggest clients together. [Pam puts down phone and picks it back up]\nPam as fourth-biggest client: [in a comedic male voice] Hello!\nPam as ninth-biggest client: [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Hello!\nPam as fourth-biggest client: Hi, how are ya? [Erin looks amused, Stanley and Phyllis look at Pam, confused]\nPam as ninth-biggest client: Ohho! I'm good! Don't you just love paper, and things about paper!\nPam as fourth-biggest client: Hey, are you single? This seems like a love connection to me!\nCreed: It's Kismet!"}
{"text": "Oscar: Oh, for God's sake. [notices Erin planking on parking lot curb]\nOscar: Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That's it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet.\nErin: Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.\nAndy: [exiting elevator] After you my good sir.\nDwight: No, I insist.\nAndy: I insist.\nJim: The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California, for the manager position. Who took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don't really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.And he chose\nAndy: [drumroll with hands] I it's unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice's first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer. Smart, right?\nKelly: (planking on top of cabinet] Very smart.\nAndy: Uh, this has got to stop.\nKelly: I can't get down.\nDwight: K... Kevin! [Kevin planking on Dwight's desk]\nDwight: Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I've got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I'm doin' great.\nDwight: K, I'm gonna need some help. Pam?\nPam: I don't think I should.\nJim: Oh, yeah. Pregnant.\nPam: Right here. Little Michael Scott- [points to her belly]\nJim: No, I told you I don't like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early.\nPam: Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.\nAngela: Look, it's a 'Little Pregs' [points to her belly] and 'Big Pregs' [points to Pam's]\nPam: Wait, when did we start calling it that-\nAngela: Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes?\nPam: Well, I am a few months ahead of you.\nAngela: I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman.\nDwight: Hoist him aloft. C'mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl. [trying to lift Kevin off desk]\nDarryl: I'm lifting.\nDarryl: Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin' much better. This soda. This is mine.\nStanley: It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.\nStanley: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do somethin'. I go on with a long description and then I say, 'and shove it up your butt.' It's stupid, but it's my thing now.\nJim: No one should be planking at all.\nAndy: Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?\nDwight: Say no more.\nDwight: [starts attacking plankers] Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous. [knocks Toby off table] 'Specially with me around.\nJim: You watching that commercial again? [Pam nods] Why do you keep watching it, if you know it's just gonna make you cry?\nPam: Because everything makes me cry, so what's the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone.\nJim: He's got a bank vault. That's a start.\nPam: Not enough though.\nJim: The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It's strange.\nErin: Here we go.\nRobert: Hello.\nErin: Robert California. Let's have a conversation.\nRobert: Describe your day so far.\nErin: Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-\nRobert: And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It's a waste of your time. That's how every day's begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.\nErin: Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I've been doing this thing-\nAndy: Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning.\nAndy: First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don't know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.\nErin: Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. [motions her over, both looking at Robert's notebook]\nPam: Jim. [motions him over]\nJim: [motions he is on the phone] Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. [comes over] Okay. [sees notebook with two lists of staff names] What is this?\nAndy: The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?\nRobert: What are your thoughts.\nAndy: Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?\nDwight: What are you looking at?\nJim: It's, it's nothing.\nDwight: It can't be nothing.\nPhyllis: Yeah, it can't be nothing.\nJim: It's just a list of our names, split into two columns.\nStanley: What?\nJim: Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen?\nErin: No.\nJim: No. Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?\nDwight: [throws hard, Jim doesn't catch] Nice catch.\nPam: If he comes out, distract him. [takes list to copier]\nKevin: We need a warning signal.\nJim: We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there-\nKevin: We do.\nJim: I promise you, we don't need a warning-\nKevin: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!\nPhyllis: Ahhh! [falls out of chair]\nDwight: Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?\nPhyllis: Yeah. Yeah. Oh.\nDwight: 1, 2, 3! [pulls Phyllis up]\nPhyllis: Thanks guys.\nDwight: Okay, which side of the list am I on?\nJim: Left.\nDwight: Yes!\nJim: Why are you- How do you know?\nAndy: Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.\nJim: Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert's notebook.\nPam: He left it at reception and we photocopied it.\nAndy: Oh, okay. I don't want any part of this.\nPam: Maybe it's a list of people he's gonna fire.\nJim: Okay, it's not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.\nDwight: This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something. Who would eat who in an 'Alive' situation. No... that can't be it.\nAndy: I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side's the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam.\nJim: I don't think it's-\nPam: 'Scuse me?\nDwight: Shhh, Pam. C'mon, don't be such a right-sider.\nAngela: Did you guys figure it out?\nAndy: We couldn't crack it.\nStanley: Go in there and just ask the man what it means.\nAndy: He'll know that we looked at his private notebook.\nPhyllis: C'mon, just say you saw the list by accident.\nAndy: I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it's starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.\nPhyllis: Yeah, that's all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day?\nRobert: [Andy continuously knocking on door] Yes, for god's sake Andy. Yes, come in.\nAndy: What's up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.\nRobert: Great. Thank you.\nAndy: And it was open. And people saw this. And they're just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.\nRobert: What is this?\nAndy: It's a photocopy from your notebook.\nRobert: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.\nAndy: No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.\nRobert: Ah, please. Here's what it is. It's a doodle.\nAndy: What?\nRobert: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists.\nAndy: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?\nRobert: Might as well have been sketching a cube.\nAndy: Okay. Robert's in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?\nMeredith: Maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group.\nJim: That's not it.\nMeredith: People in the other group.\nJim: Mmum, still wrong.\nAndy: Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?\nStanley: Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!\nAndy: Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.\nKevin: I know! It's alphabetical.\nEveryone: [separately] No.\nDwight: No, it's not. Here's how we find out. Let's line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let's just size each other up here and left side of the list' ATTACK!\nJim: Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! [Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling]\nAndy: Dwight!\nMeredith: Hey!\nKevin: Warning! Warning! Warning!\nRobert: [enters room, everyone quiets and separates] I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.\nDwight: That's great. Let's do this guys.\nJim: Alright, well, I will see you in a bit.\nPam: I love you so much. [starting to cry]\nJim: Hey. It's nothing. Alright? I'll text you when we get there. Let you know what's going on.\nPam: Okay. [turns to computer]\nJim: Nope. No dog video.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Okay. See you guys.\nAndy: Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!\nRobert: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?\nJim: Uhhh, the street?\nRobert: Sesame street.\nJim: Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo.\nRobert: Elmo, god's sake, it's the Elmo era.\nJim: Right.\nRobert: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree.\nJim: Yeah, she does like Elmo.\nOscar: Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.\nPhyllis: Completely.\nDarryl: Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.\nKevin: The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.\nToby: I should not be here. I'm in the- I was in the wrong- I'm- I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here.\nAndy: Great group! Pizza party!\nKelly: How is this a pizza party?\nAndy: Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.\nKelly: Yeah, well, that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.\nAndy: Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?\nStanley: What's that?\nAndy: Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.\nStanley: That's pizza.\nPam: That's regular pizza.\nDwight: You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?\nRobert: I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.\nDwight: Okay!\nEveryone: [separately] Awww.\nPhyllis: Well, what about the other guys.\nDwight: Losers.\nRobert: No.\nDwight: C'mon.\nRobert: I don't- I don't wanna say-\nDwight: C'mon, c'mon.\nRobert: No, no.\nDwight: C'mon.\nRobert: Ha, I guess I think they're losers.\nDwight: Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!\nRobert: Probably shouldn't have said that. [Jim's jaw drops]\nAndy: Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.\nPam: [Pam's phone vibrates] Oh, text from Jim. 'This is getting very weird. Will explain later.'\nPam: [Everyone's phone vibrates] Oh, text from Kevin.\nMeredith: 'Suck it losers.'\nRyan: Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!\nPam: I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, 'Who's that receptionist? I like her.' Now I'm just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, 'Oh, loser.'\nAndy: C'mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?\nPam: Oh. Oh God.\nKelly: [door opens, others enter] Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?\nAngela: It was excellent.\nDarryl: Good times.\nAndy: Yeah?\nDwight: Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.\nKevin: I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.\nJim: Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright?\nPam: Yeah, I'm fine.\nKevin: [spraying Meredith and Creed with water gun] Loser. Losers. [Dwight holding up 'L' to his forehead]\nMeredith: [on the phone, while getting sprayed] Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It'll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes.\nAndy: When I was a salesman I could just be like 'Not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.\nAndy: Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it's really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier and others would be second-tier.\nRobert: I never said that.\nAndy: Thank you. Great.\nRobert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you're talking about?\nAndy: Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I'm thinking of. Can you clarify that?\nRobert: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.\nPhyllis: Whew, well. I guess that's that.\nAndy: No. No, no.\nErin: Andy, don't go in there!\nAndy: I'm going in there.\nAndy: I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don't know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I'm not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.\nRobert: I'm not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don't use ballpoint pens.\nAndy: Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley... you may think he's a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?\nRobert: I did not know about the sales figures.\nAndy: Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word 'no' not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I'm being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.\nDwight: Jim, shut the door. This is just gross.\nJim: Shhh.\nAndy: Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one.\nErin: I like my new group. I liked my old group.\nRobert: Are we done?\nAndy: Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we're gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.\nRobert: You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?\nAndy: Yes, I do.\nRobert: And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.\nAndy: I don't care. [Robert smiles as Andy exits]\nAndy: Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday.\nStanley: We get that every year.\nAndy: Well, you got it this year too.\nPhyllis: Good night, Andy.\nAndy: Night.\nAngela: Bye.\nOscar: Good night Andy.\nDwight: Good night.\nAndy: Night.\nJim: Alright, I'm gonna go warm up the car.\nPam: Okay. Oh, uh, you dropped something. Jim?\nPam: Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but- [shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, 'Pam' and 'Cece' on one side, 'Everything else' on the other] I mean, that's just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it's stupid. No. [starts crying] It's wonderful. I'm gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.\nAndy: I gotta say, I think it's kinda cool not knowing. It's like one of those movies that ends on a note of mystery. Did the butler do it? Are they ghosts? You know? It's kinda sophisticated.\nKelly: Everybody hates those endings!\nPam: [weepy] Yeah, I hate those endings.\nOscar: I- [Sees Kevin looking at the list upside down and turns it.]\nKevin: I was looking for patterns.\nOscar: I know.\nRyan: It's all a mind game. He wanted us to see the list. He's a genius. You guys just don't get him.\nCreed: I made a list like this for Congress when I worked in Hollywood in the 50's, they're meaningless.\nToby: Guys. Really, it's ok. Everyone has made a really solid first impression, I don't think there's any reason for anybody to worry.\nToby: I am on the wrong side, and I am freaking out here.\nDwight: [grunting, trying with Jim to lift Kevin planking on his desk] Man, it's like hoisting a manatee. I can't get a grip it's so vast.\nJim: Ryan? A little help?\nDwight: God. How do whalers do it?\nRyan: Here's the way trends move across the country. They start in Japan. L.A. And New York get it soon after that. Seattle looks at it, decides not to do it. Chicago gets it three months later. Then it travels down the Mississippi, OK? All the red states start doing it. Good Morning America does a piece about it. And then, it shows up in Scranton.\nAndy: Creed! Wha- [Shoves Creed with his foot, Creed grunts] This is a safety issue with you. There's no way to know if you're dead!\nGabe: Good morning. [suitcase falls and he laughs awkwardly]\nGabe: Corporate wants me up here, Dunder Mifflin wants me down there. What they worked out is that Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'm here in Scranton, Tuesday Thursday I'm in Tallahassee, I mean I feel like Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air, you know? More money more problems. Although, I didn't get a raise, so you know. Same money, more problems.\nRyan: It's called owling. You'll read about it in like eight months.\nJim: Uh, I will have the chicken piccata with a side salad.\nRobert: That sounds good.\nKevin: Chicken piccata, side salad.\nDarryl: Chicken piccata, salad on the side please.\nOscar: I'll start with a side salad and uh, oh, chicken piccata.\nToby: Chicken piccata, side salad.\nAngela: Side salad, chicken piccata on the side.\nPhyllis: I'll start with a side salad, then a chicken piccata.\nDwight: Steak. Rare.\nRobert: Jim, you alright? What are you doing?\nJim: Good. What? Nothin'\nPam: Oh! Text from Jim. 'This is...' hmm.\nRyan: Profound man, your husband.\nDwight: One more. To our boss!\nAll: Hey!\nJim: I don't think we have to do this again cause it's gonna take a whole. [everyone clinks glasses]\nDwight: You know what? Let us treat you. What do you say? It has been such a pleasure.\nRobert: I can expense it.\nDarryl & Oscar: Let him expense it, Dwight.\nDwight: I insist. It is gonna be our treat, please?\nRobert: Thank you.\nWaiter: Hi, Mr. Shrute. I've waited on you before. I just wanted to let you know that gratuity is not included in the bill and tips are expected.\nDwight: Oh, tips are expected?\nWaiter: Yes sir.\nDwight: Then expect to be shocked. Jim, you owe me $14.75. Oscar, $14.75. Darryl...\nGabe: My entire childhood, I was the one left out, and I said to myself: Gabe, if you just achieve some success, you'll be part of them. You'll be part of the happy ones. But instead, people just used my success as a new way to shut me out.\nMeredith: Hey, this ain't no Breakfast Club, bitch.\nDwight: Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!\nJim: Come on, man.\nDwight: Winners!"}
{"text": "Jim: Hey, so this isn't matching up with this, and I'm not sure which one's right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?\nKevin: Yes. Me do.\nJim: Alright.\nJim: Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?\nKevin: Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.\nPam: Kevin, do you feel OK?\nKevin: Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.\nPam: Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.\nJim: Yeah, alright Kev why don't you come with us?\nOscar: No, guys.\nAngela: No, he's fine.\nOscar: He's fine.\nAngela: He's always been like that.\nPam: No he hasn't.\nAngela: I mean, he's gotten worse over the years.\nOscar: He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.\nKevin: You keep think that.\nKevin: Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say 'car no go', and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?\nAndy: Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.\nKevin: Thank.\nAndy: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is, basically the speech equivalent, to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use, but need need for talk talk.\nKevin: But save time. More success.\nJim: Does it save time though? 'Cause we've been here for about an hour.\nKevin: No me fault.\nPam: Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time.\nKevin: Many small time make big time.\nAndy: What are you gonna do with all this time?\nKevin: See world.\nPam: Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.\nJim: K, Kevin, are you saying 'See the world'? or 'Sea World?'\nKevin: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.\nJim: No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method. 'Cause I still don't know if you're saying 'Sea World' or 'see the world,' and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.\nKevin: Fine, fine. I'll talk normally.\nKevin: When me President, they see. [Nodding and smiling] They see.\nDwight: This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet'.the Pyramid. [holds up triangle shaped touch pad]\nPhyllis: Ooh, why is it shaped like that?\nDwight: So, you can tell your clients: 'Unleash the power of the pyramid.'\nPam: It's huge. How much does it weigh?\nDwight: Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it's barely three pounds.\nRyan: How much memory does it have without the booster?\nDwight: Fifty L.\nRyan: I'm sorry,' L'?\nJim: How many L to a K?\nDwight: You're really going to want the booster.\nStanley: How on earth are we supposed to sell'?\nJim: I'll take five.\nPhyllis: Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing.\nAndy: Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwight's meeting.\nDwight: Thank you.\nAndy: I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties'and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? [To Oscar] What do you think, C-SPAN?\n cocker spaniel.  Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause\": C-SPAN?,Oscar,FALSE\r\n46041,8,2,6,Yeah. C-SPAN\nDwight: Is this really the best use of our collective time?\nAndy: I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, I'm sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dog'had to pull rank.\nDwight: [to group] OK, let's look at some ties.\nDwight: Here's how I'm going to help out from now on. I'm going to not care, and I'm going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.\nDwight: [To Oscar] Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.\nErin: Um, D-Dog, you have a message.\nPam: Erin, you don't need to call him that.\nErin: Andy wants us to, P-Dog.\nDarryl: It's ok E-Dog, just who called?\nErin: Justine. She said she's coming by later.\nJim: Your ex-wife?\nKevin: Wait, I thought she was a **** and you ******* hated her guts?\nDarryl: No no no no. I like her.\nKevin: Well I'm just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don't know the woman.\nDarryl: Nah man, we get along now. Real well.\nJim: Wow. Alright. Can't wait to meet her.\nDarryl: I'll introduce you.\nDarryl: Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can't tell you what I did with my ex wife last night'. I have to sing it. [singing] We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.\nAndy: [to Robert California] Hi Dad!... Ahhh'.oh boy.\nRobert: Hello, Andy. Excellent tie.\nErin: Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here?\nRobert: I'd love some coffee.\nRobert: I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.\nAndy: Are you factoring in the whole national economy. declining and all that?\nRobert: Andy, do you know why I chose you?\nAndy: I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor..vanilla?\nRobert: Vanilla? No no no no. You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess.\nAndy: You were saying you chose me. There was a reason?\nRobert: Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?\nAndy: Can I inspire? [laughs] I don't know!...I don't know.\nRobert: Oh! Thank you. Uh.\nErin: Oh, sorry.\nRobert: You can just put it down.\nErin: Oh\nRobert: That is very cold.\nErin: Yeah. It's old. [smiling]\nRobert: Why would I..?\nErin: I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said 'coffee'.\nAndy: Why don't we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.\nErin: Andy, you don't want that.\nAndy: I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. [sips] Mmm..\nErin: Sorry.\nRobert: You like her.\nAndy: I do.\nRobert: She likes you.\nAndy: You know, we've both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we're in this weird dance.\nRobert: [interrupting] I'm afraid you've lost my interest.\nOscar: Let me call you back.\nMeredith: I gotta go.\nRobert: If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?\nRobert: Ah!\nKevin: This is where we go\nRobert: [chuckling] Oh, you'd go someplace else. That's not it, that's not the answer.\nKevin: It's a answer.\nRobert: It's a wrong answer.\nKevin: There are no wrong answers.\nRobert: Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at it's birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?\nPhyllis: Wait...they're terrified?\nRobert: Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them 'you are welcome.' [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.\nAndy: You got it.\nRobert: Double.\nAndy: Done.\nRobert: I'm not kidding.\nAndy: Neither am I, it's already done. Hah, I'm just kidding, it's going to take some time.\nRobert: Double.\nJim: Hey. [Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jim's desk, kicking things in the process.]\nAndy: What's up, guys? Just thought we'd have a little rap session, talk about business see how things are going? Ahem...\nJim: Why don't you start?\nAndy: If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert, man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how's the sales doubling project going?\nPhyllis: Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can't just press a magic button.\nAndy: OF course not. There's no magic button. You have to summon that.\nStanley: If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You're not making any sense.\nJim: He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?\nAndy: Dwight, anything?\nDwight: We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they're out of the house.\nAndy: You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? [Jim raises hand] Tuna.\nJim: New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door\nAndy: Fart'.. good Sesh. [gets up] That leg's asleep.\nJustine: Hello. I'm looking for Darryl Philbin?\nKevin: Don't! oh, you must think'I'm not. I'm using the fax, this isn't, no wait. I'm not supposed to represent the company. Right? There's usually an Erin here.\nJustine: Ok..?\n DARRYL! A GIRL!: So\nDarryl: [Singing] rub a dub dub, I got scrubbed. 'Sup, darlin'? Everybody, this is Justine. [murmurs of hello from the group] This is Jim and Oscar, everybody.\nMeredith: Hi.\nKevin: Kevin.\nJustine: Can we. go some place private?\nDarryl: Follow me, I got a space. After you. I've been thinking about you all mornin'. I don't know what you did, I can barely walk today.\nAndy: D-Bone. There you are.\nDwight: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie? Lick the spoon?\nAndy: No, that's ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about'\nDwight: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.\nAndy: I know, right?\nDwight: Right?\nAndy: Yeah'um, how is everything?\nDwight: Good. Really really good.\nAndy: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.\nDwight: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.\nAndy: Oof. What are you gonna do about that?\nDwight: I don't know, what do you mean?\nAndy: There's gotta be some way you can double your beet sales\nDwight: You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! [Licks brownie battered finger] And I'll do mine.. walnuts?\nKevin: No!\nAngela: Have you seen this? [Hands Pam Parenting magazine]\nPam: Parenting? Yeah. This is Cici's favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.\nJim: She looks at it when she's on the potty, and she makes the faces.\nAngela: Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?\nPam: I flipped through it.\nAngela: So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you're pregnant?\nPam: Of course.\nJim: We know that.\nPam: Yeah.\nAngela: I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?\nPam: That sounds nice.\nAngela: Great.[Angela walks away]\nJim: You have a walking buddy.\nPam: I do.\nAndy: Thanks for coming in guys.\nPhyllis: You don't have to thank us for coming in, it's our job.\nAndy: Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I'm gonna thank people.\nMeredith: What's with the blanket?\nAndy: This is what's under the blanket.\nOscar: We don't get it.\nAndy: These are incentives. It's how we're gonna double growth. Now, you're probably all asking yourselves: 'Well, how does this work?'\nPam: Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes.\nAndy: You're exactly right and you get a point.\nPam: Oh. [smiling]\nRyan: Uh, is that a vibrator?\nAndy: Twenty points.\nMeredith: How does one get a point?\nAndy: I've outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.\nKelly: Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.\nAndy: There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.\nStanley: How 'bout you want us to work harder, pay us more.\nAndy: I can't.\nKelly: This point system is really insulting.\nAndy: Ooh I didn't mean to offend you, and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very very, Sari. [tosses yellow print material over shoulder] Sixteen points.\nKelly: That's a tablecloth.\nJim: What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?\nAndy: That's a crazy amount of points.\nJim: But, what if?\nAndy: Well, what do you want?\nJim: I don't know, for such a crazy number I'd like something pretty crazy.\nAndy: Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. [laughter]\nJim: That's pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?\nAndy: I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. [laughter] Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard![Andy points to his rear-end]\nGroup: Ooooh!\nOscar: Really?\nJim: Alright, alright. And you are totally serious?\nAndy: Swear to God, hope to die. Now let's get to work!\nJim: Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that case'let's get to work.\nDwight: Yeah!\nPam: Yeah! Whoo! [Group cheers]\nJim: [on the phone]I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. [hangs up] Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto?\nPhyllis: [hands Jim folder] Ask for Donald, Karen's bananas.\nJim: Ok.\nAndy: T-bag bone'\nJim: Andrew.\nAndy: Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?\nJim: No, I didn't notice anything.\nAndy: Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years'.and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.\nStanley: [On the phone] You've got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!\nJim: I don't know what to tell you, man.\nAndy: You think it has something to do with that incentive program?\nJim: Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.\nAndy: Bah'I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.\nJim: Nah, you definitely weren't kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in. [hands Andy slip of paper]\nAndy: Hundred and twenty points.\nJim: Yeah. Big sale. Don't worry about it though, I don't really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though'[on phone] Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald'can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much. [gets up to give Erin his point receipt]\nPam: Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's?\nErin: Yes! [adds receipt to growing pile and thumbs up Andy.]\nJim: [on the phone]and I'm back. How are you sir?...I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?\nPam: Where's Angela? [Hands paper over her shoulder]\nAndy: Hey Kevin, what are you doing?\nKevin: Don't talk to me! [Everyone continues to work busily]\nAndy: [on phone] Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of '95. Hey there, um, I'm a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here, De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale, uh why? Well, um I guess you could say I'm in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. [laughs]\nAndy: Took 'em one day.\nPam: Ready! [flips sketch pad showing tattoo possibilities] 'I'm not as think as you drunk I am!' [crowd claps and cheers]\nRyan: I like it, I like it! [Pam flips the page]\nPam: Do Not Resuscitate[mild cheering]\nAndy: OK, keep in mind, it's not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car [nervous laughter] for a thousand points'.or best offer.\nPhyllis: What else you got?\nPam: Oh, and then this was Phyllis's idea[shocked cheers] So nasty Phyllis!\nPam: We were hoping you could do something like this\nTattoo Artist: So, coming out of his butt is a..\nPam: Baby.\nTattoo Artist: Baby\nPam: Yes.\nTattoo Artist: Yeah, no problem.\n does anyone have any better ideas?: We should think about this\nStanley: I like what we have.\nMeredith: Looks good.\nErin: Yeah.\nKevin: For sure.\n[murmurs from group in agreement]\nAndy: Just need a second outside.\nJim: Gettin' psyched up?\nAndy: Yeah.\nJim: Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this\nAndy: Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? '.Confession: I don't know what I'm doing.\nJim: I mean, do you like it? You having fun? [Andy snorts, unsure how to answer] Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun.and you did that.\nAndy: My ass is only so big, I mean I can't do this everyday.\nJim: But I think it's big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea.which, by the way, I can't wait for.\nAndy: No one expects me to go through with this, right?\nJim: Absolutely not.\nAndy: Let's ink'my stink! [crowd cheers]\nAndy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.\nGroup: Whoa!\nAndy: [lying on table] Do your worst!\nTattoo Artist: Uh, you can keep your pants on actually if just drop 'em down a bit, that'd be great.\nAndy: They are already off, my good sir.\nTattoo Artist: I'd really prefer they not be down.\nAndy: Well, I think down's better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.\nPam: Do you think you could work from this? [showing Tattoo artist sketch pad] we made some small adjustments.\nTattoo Artist: OK, you want me to\nPam: Just a few adjustments\nTattoo Artist: Alright, let's begin.\nAndy: This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!\nTattoo Artist: That was just the cotton swab.\nAndy: Invest in softer cotton, sir. [tattooing begins] OW! Oh! Oooh! [Crowd cheers] oh, whoa!!\nDwight: Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I'm gonna like it.\nDwight: DRAW SOME BLOOD!\nAndy: AHHHHH!!!!!!!\nRobert: Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him.\nAndy: [removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy] It's a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That's my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!\nJim: Pull up your pants.\nRobert: There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.\nPam: Um, what should we talk about?\nAngela: Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.\nPam: Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help.\nAngela: A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don't know if I should call social services about it.\nPam: Angela, that's pretty transparently me.\nAngela: Maybe.\nPam: You know it's just herbal tea.\nAngela: In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!\nPam: Yeah. I think you should call social services.\nAngela: I already did.\nPam: You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we're in this together.\nAngela: Fine.\nPam: Fine.\nAndy: When you're a kid, you picture a pilot kinda like this [imitates plane noises while steering wildly] But then you learn that's crashing the plane. The right way to do it is more like this. [calmly pulls imaginary steering back and forth] Or better yet, like this. [takes hands off imaginary wheel] Now that I'm manager, I think about that a lot. I let Dwight run the meetings, I let good people do good work and I stay out of the way.\nAndy: Which combo do you think Robert's gonna like better?\nPhyllis: Just wear one of your bowties.\nKelly: No! I mean, let him, he should just explore other options...\nKelly: Bowties, no offense, are a black thing. They're for rappers and NBA players. I cringe when I see Tucker Carlson trying to pull off a bowtie. It's like yeah Tucker, you're so street.\nAndy: This is combo number seven.\nAll: Hmm, no.\nPam: I don't like that clip.\nAndy: You're right, you're right, you're right. Uh! It's so hard to find an occasion for this clip.\nJim: I'd hang on to it though, cause I can think of a bunch. Like a 70's theme party, or a 70's theme meeting, or a 70's theme convention...\nAndy: Sure.\nJim: 1870's...\nAndy: Thanks T-Dog.\nRyan: T-Dog?\nToby: I thought I was T-Dog.\nJim: Nope, he means tuna dog.\nAndy: Tuna dog!\nAndy: I thought the plane was flying pretty well on auto-pilot. And then Robert California ran into the cockpit with a gun and he was like 'Fly this plane to Cuba, and on the way bomb Texas' Well I don't know how to get there. Or even how to fly, even. And I don't have any bombs.\nErin: Hey. Maybe it'd help to just talk it over. Over a cup of cool old tea.\nAndy: [sighs] Yeah.\nErin: What if you were to just start with your ideas about how to double profits. Just say them all and maybe one of them will rise to the top.\nAndy: I don't have any ideas though.\nErin: Well I have an idea.\nAndy: You do?\nErin: What if Dunder Mifflin were to take on 15-20 foster kids? You'd get huge checks from the government and honestly they would be ecstatic to live in the warehouse. It would be like Hogwart's.\nAndy: Yeah...I don't think that's legal. It's a nice thought though. [Erin hands Andy a gift] What is this?\nErin: I just wanted to say congratulations on your new job, officially.\nAndy: You didn't have to do that. [opens box to reveal red mouse cat toy attached to key chain]\nErin: I saw it at the checkout counter, it made me think of you. I don't know why. I made it into a key chain.\nAndy: You're the only person who's congratulated me."}
{"text": "Dwight: ...back orders and you never called them.\nOscar: Can you believe this?\nErin: There's a dog in the car.\nOscar: You can't leave a dog in a parked car. [points to 'I'd rather be snowboarding' bumper sticker] Snowboarder, it figures.\nJim: Do Snowboarders hate animals?\nOscar: I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.\nAndy: Oscar, it's not that hot out.\nDarryl: A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.\nAndy: Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight.\nKelly: So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag?\nKevin: Here, I'm gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.\nDwight: OK, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. [Whistling and pouring water from bottle into sunroof of car] Come on.\nJim: Dwight! At least aim it.\nDwight: There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on.\nAndy: We're losing cloud cover.\nKelly: Oh don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.\nDarryl: Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time.\nOscar: This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window. [Oscar approaches the vehicle with a tire iron]\nJim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa!\nOscar: Come on buddy, get back.\nDwight: Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey! [Oscar busts out back window, group cries out in protest, then cheers]\nJim: Alright! Nice job, Oscar!\nOscar: And one for good measure! [Busts out taillight, group applauds]\nJim: So...ah, who's gonna take the dog?\nOscar: Why would we take the dog?\nJim: What if he jumps out the window and runs away?\nOscar: Jim, he's not gonna star- [Dog lunges for open window and barks]\nMeredith: Whoa!\nOscar: Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay.\nDwight: Nein. Sits. [snaps as dog calms] Goot.\nJim: Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog?\nOscar: [Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window] There we go. That should do it.\nJim: Yeah, that's pretty good.\nDwight: Yeah, that'll work.\nKelly: That'll work.\nJim: Nice job.\nDwight: Bye poochie!\nKelly: Bye. [Andy barks]\nMeredith: Bye! [Kevin's horn honks twice shortly, then one long honk. Shot shows him passed out on his steering wheel.]\nPam: What's that come to? Like, what did they each win?\nJim: Oh man, it's gotta be over a hundred thousand dollars.\nPam: Awesome.\nDwight: Before taxes.\nPhyllis: That's still a lot of money!\nAndy: The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.\nDarryl: [On phone] Hello?...Justine! [laughs] Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?...Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-...what?...Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won...Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-...What?...Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right- [hangs up] Whoops.\nDarryl: When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won playing my birthday.\nOscar: What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right?\nPhyllis: Yeah.\nMeredith: We're lookin' at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.\nOscar: At least.\nJim: I mean, I don't even know what I'd do with all that money.\nDwight: I know what you'd do with all that money. [imitating Jim] 'Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.'\nJim: No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop.\nPam: And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?\nJim: Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine?\nPam: I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo...\nRyan: SoHo's mostly lofts but OK.\nPam: And then every morning, I'd walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting...\nKelly: Oh, god.\nPam: And then my handsome husband...\nJim: Which ideally would be me...\nPam: Would bring me a flavored coffee.\nJim: Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?\nPam: Well in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters.\nJim: I don't know about Stephen King, I mean...\nMeredith: [under her breath] get a divorce...get a divorce...\nKelly: I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year...I mean obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean I'm getting paid a dollar a year, OK? You can chill.\nAndy: Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. [lowers voice] To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. [normal voice] Darryl, how we doin' on the new warehouse guys?\nDarryl: I don't know.\nAndy: What d-? What..what? Wuh, do we have new guys, or what?\nDarryl: No.\nAndy: Are they on their way over?\nDarryl: I haven't hired anyone.\nPhyllis: What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it.\nDarryl: I'm not checkin' email till lunch. Four hour work week.\nAndy: This is kinda time sensitive.\nDarryl: I got it. I'm doin' it.\nPhyllis: Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client.\nAndy: Alright, well until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who's in? [Erin raises hand]\nErin: As long as you guys don't need me up here.\nPhyllis: No..we don't\nDwight: I think we'll be fine. [group murmurs in agreement]\nOscar: Really, nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead?\nAndy: Are you volunteering?\nOscar: Of course. I would. But my hip...I would kill to be at a hundred percent. [Angela rolls eyes]\nAndy: Jim! How 'bout you?\nJim: Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you...\nDwight: Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god. [grunts] False. Andy, I will volunteer.\nAndy: Great. And Kevin.\nKevin: Good old Kevin. He'll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job.\nPam: Oh, thank you.\nAngela: Sure.\nPam: Wait, wait. What's this? [holds up clipboard]\nAngela: Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby's birth weight pool.\nPam: It says 'Lotto Pool', right on top. [points to obvious title]\nAngela: Yeah. And I said sorry.\nPam: Oh come on. You really think I'm gonna have a fourteen pound baby?\nDarryl: When did I get so fat?\nAndy: You look awesome.\nDarryl: I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here.\nAndy: Where are we in the process?\nDarryl: I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys,hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process.\nAndy: Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?\nDarryl: The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.\nAndy: You do have a fantastic basement.\nDarryl: I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point.\nAndy: Right. Um, well how 'bout we take a look at some applications? ...This guy wrote his in green ink, that's pretty cool. Check it out. [attempts to give Darryl application who ignores him at first but then takes it]Hey! There ya go...there he is.\nAndy: That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl.\nJim: OK. Three hundred boxes of twenty pound white. That's seventy-five boxes per person, so that's not so bad.\nDwight: Negative! Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it! [climbs into forklift]\nJim: Nice. [Dwight runs forklift into wall of warehouse] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oh!\nKevin: Damn! [Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins lifting boxes by hand.]\nDwight: Yup.\nAndy: Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl.[no one laughs] What? No Newhart fans? OK...Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?\nDarryl: You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?\nFemale Applicant: Your old crew won the lottery?\nAndy: Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system?\nMale Applicant 1: Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit?\nDarryl: Oh yeah.\nAndy: Well-\nDarryl: One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Heday is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals. [Andy laughs awkwardly]\nAndy: Um, can you guys give us a minute? But stay close, you're all doing great. [group begins leaving] maybe grab a coffee..or if there's any donuts out you can split one. You know they're for everybody so people get fussy...You know what? Just have a donut. [shuts door and sits, gesturing for Darryl to sit next to him. Then gets up to stand near Darryl.] Do you wanna talk about this not winning the lottery thing?\nDarryl: I don't\nAndy: You sure? Cause you keep talking about it, so...\nDarryl: Nope. I'm good. I'm here. Let's find some warehouse workers.\nAndy: Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren't like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about.\nDarryl: OK.\nAndy: We need you, OK?\nDarryl: OK.\nAndy: OK?\nDarryl: Yeah.\nAndy: Alright.\nDwight: [Grunts while lifting box into truck] What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband. [Erin grunts loudly and tosses box toward truck but misses]\nErin: I didn't feel anything.\nAndy: Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor.\nDarryl: Why do you wanna work here?\nMale Applicant 1: I need a job.\nDarryl: That's not a good reason.\nAndy: Good. Keepin' 'em honest.\nDarryl: Don't just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you're still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change.\nAndy: Are we scaring them straight...?\nDarryl: I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.\nDarryl: I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?\nRyan: Nice. Right back where I like you. [Pam is sitting at reception covering for Erin] Can you make ten copies of this for me?\nPam: No.\nRyan: Why not? What are you doing?\nPam: Uh, buying lottery tickets online. [Ryan laughs]\nRyan: Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it.\nPam: You came in at 10:30 today, right?\nRyan: OK, (we'll just dismiss it.)??????\nAndy: Is everyone licensed?\nMale Applicant 2: Like a driver's license?\nAndy: No. Warehouse license...Masters in warehouse sciences?...I, I feel like Darryl has talked about a license of some kind.\nFemale Applicant: Is this a joke?\nAndy: No. Not joking. This is real...painfully real, what is happening right now.\nKevin: [On all fours with a box on his back] OK, I'm not gonna make it. I'm turning back.\nJim: There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.\nDwight: Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday.\nJim: Yeah [laughs and then notices camera] Not that they're not smart people.\nDwight: [Noticing camera] No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence.\nJim: I'd go with that.\nDwight: Like baboons or elephants.\nJim: Not that, don't...\nKevin: Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh.\nJim: It's a great idea Kev, I don't think it applies here though, so maybe we just-\nKevin: Yeah we move stuff and it was fun.\nDwight: Kevin! Doesn't apply.\nKevin: Right. My mom-\nErin: [grabbing Kevin's arm] You need to drop it, OK? They hate it. I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it! [Kevin tears up]\nAndy: Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap? [raises hand and laughs] You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um...\nMale Applicant 1: How much longer is this gonna take?\nDarryl: Did you hire 'em?\nAndy: No. Because they all left.\nDarryl: What do you mean 'they left'?\nAndy: I mean, after you bailed? I got confused and frankly a little weird and the stuff that you said certainly didn't help.\nDarryl: Then I think you should fire me.\nAndy: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you.\nDarryl: Yeah. Just put me out of my misery.\nAndy: OK, this is weird. I don't, I don't get the joke.\nDarryl: No? OK. I don't wanna be here anymore. Fire me.\nAndy: So Darryl says to me 'fire me'. But what he really means is 'I'm gonna say something really weird, try and figure out what it means.' So I say 'No, you're not fired.' But what I really mean is 'I have no idea what your talking about, but I'm gonna go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.'....I really hope that's what he and I mean.\nAndy: Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy.\nOscar: Bulk or definition?\nAndy: Definition.\nOscar: Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness.\nAndy: Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?\nOscar: Oh, he's plenty strong.\nOscar: It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell.\nPam: So. I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings...\nJim: Our fake winnings\nPam: And we move to the south of France. See? No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France.\nJim: It is, yeah. I mean I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy it's Maine and you love it.\nPam: Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy.\nJim: Nope. You're, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now. [Pam sighs]\nDwight: Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again?\nJim: A...hot chocolate tea\nAndy: Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce?\nGideon: North America...and, diminishing is a little reductive, but uh sure. That's the headline version.\nAndy: Great...Well, it'll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse.\nGideon: FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule.\nAndy: Eh, cool. We'll figure that out.\nNate: Also, FYI, ah, I don't techinically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I'll hear 'em as one big jumble. Uh, again it's not that I can't hear, uh because that's false. I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.\nAndy: Got it. Dually noted. You! [points to Bruce] Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?\nBruce: Made it.\nAndy: So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet or know or even talk to.\nDwight: Message in a Bottle, The Postman...\nJim: Kevin Costner.\nDwight: Kevin Costner.\nJim: Yeah. [Shot shows Kevin and Erin greasing floor of warehouse]\nKevin: So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea.\nErin: You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it!\nJim: So, it's not the dumbest idea.\nDwight: It's not the greatest one either...\nJim: But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes.\nDwight: And it's clear we're not going to carry them. [Dwight grunts loudly in shot showing them sliding boxes over the greased floor]\nJim: So sadly, it's the best idea on the table.\nDwight: Exactly.\nKevin: I think we're ready to give thi- [Kevin slips on grease and falls] Jim?\nJim: Is he OK?\nDwight: Yep. He'll be fine.\nAndy: Surprise! Your new crew.\nDarryl: Would you just fire me, man?\nAndy: Why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?\nDarryl: You wanna make me happy? Huh?\nAndy: Yeah.\nDarryl: Give me your job.\nAndy: Haha, what?\nDarryl: I'll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why, reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy, everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me.\nAndy: I'm not gonna give you my job! It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that.\nNate: Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem, it's just when there's a lot of noises...\nAndy: Nate! Please...thank you. You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under D'Angelo, what happened to that?\nDarryl: He died.\nAndy: He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it?\nNate: What wa-, what was the last...I'm havin' a-\nAndy: None, no part of this has anything to do with you.\nDarryl: I didn't have time because of my daughter.\nAndy: Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic, and a Mediterranean cooking class.\nDarryl: Hey I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face.\nAndy: Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. [long pause]\nDarryl: OK.\nAndy: OK what?\nDarryl: OK, don't fire me.\nAndy: Ah, OK.\nDarryl: My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.\nDarryl: I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though, it's gonna be mostly my bunch.\nAndy: Yeah. [laughs] That makes sense. OK. Good, alright.\nKevin: Here...\nAndy: What is goin' on?! [shot shows greased aisle flanked by rows of boxes]\nKevin: Oh hey guys.\nDarryl: Why is the forklift in the wall?\nAndy: Why is the truck empty?\nDwight: Uh, it's not totally empty.\nDarryl: Is that grease on my floor?\nDwight: OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this.\nDarryl: And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?\nKevin: OK Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it's cool cause we found another use for them.\nJim: OK, alright, that's...look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things.\nDarryl: And?\nErin: And we did.\nDwight: I don't know.\nErin: Jim? Tell them what it's called.\nJim: That's alright.\nKevin: No Jim, tell 'em what a name is.\nJim: Doesn't matter what the name is. Se��or Loadenstein, that's stupid.\nKevin: [laughing] Se��or Loadenstein. Tell 'em why it's called that, Jim.\nJim: That's OK, we're good.\nErin: Jim...\nAndy: No, Jim. Tell us why it's called Se��or Loadenstein.\nJim: Porque es muy rapido.\nDwight: OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away.\nDarryl: Let me see it.\nDwight: It's uh, it's in beta testing.\nDarryl: Let me see it!\nDwight: Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping.\nDwight, Erin, Jim & Kevin: Uno! Dos! Tres! [Shot shows Jim & Dwight pulling ropes attached to a plank holding Erin in a helmet and boxes of paper down the greased runway, Dwight grunts]\nPhyllis: Yeah, I lost my client.\nCreed: I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport.\nToby: I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, The Flenderson Files. Dum bum buh. [whispers] Flenderson files.\nPam: We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain.\nJim: Right. It's city and country combined.\nPam: Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.\nJim: And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want.\nPam: Just like now.\nJim: [laughs] Just like now...too bad the schools are terrible.\nPam: Oh..\nJim: But what are you gonna do about that?\nPam: What are you gonna do?\nToby: If I won the lottery, I don't know. I don't think I'd make any changes to my life. Quit my job, move, meet someone...\nRyan: I'd give 35% to AIDS related charities. 25%. If they can't cure AIDS with 25%, the extra ten's not gonna make a difference. At some point, you're just throwing good money after bad.\nPhyllis: The first thing I'd buy is new boobs. For my mom. She has the worst boobs. It- It's embarrassing.\nJim: Ok, ok. We are so close. All we have to do is figure out that corner and we're basically there.\nDwight: I know. Kevin, we've been friends for a long time, right?\nKevin: Egons.\nDwight: So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield-\nJim: Ok, Dwight! Come on. Here, I think I have an idea.\nDwight: I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now would I?\nKevin: No.\nDwight: Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er...\nJim: Dammit Dwight!\nKevin: However it's normally done.\nJim: Ok, I have a question. Why is the truck so far away?\nKevin: Yeah Jim, why's it so far?\nErin: Why's it so far away?\nJim: Ok, I just asked that ques-, I don't know. I mean it seems like the door is huge, right? So you should be able to back the truck up to the paper.\nDwight: Yeah, why is it so far away Jim?\nJim: So this warehouse has been around for what? Like a thousand years? And they never thought to back the truck up into it? I guess sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes. Alright! [knocks on side of truck]\nKevin: Back...\nErin: Yeah.\nKevin: That looks good. Back. Whoa whoa whoa!\nJim: Whoa whoa whoa!\nErin: You're doing great! A little farther away from the wall!\nKevin: No no no!\nErin: Good...\nJim: No! Stop! Stop stop stop stop! You're way over! Ok, you gotta cut it! Cut it hard! (bleep!) Stop stop stop stop! Stop, stop! Dammit Dwight. Great.\nDwight: Come on!\nJim: Good."}
{"text": "Jim: [entering office] Hey. So, we saw a new billboard.\nAndy: Yeah? Pretty cool, huh?\nAndy: What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager?\nAndy: How'd it look?\nJim: You've seen it, right?\nAndy: No.\nPam: Andy, somebody defaced it.\nAndy: What? [Stanley enters office laughing] Morning, Stanley.\nJim: There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.\nAndy: Erin, how long did we order those billboards for?\nErin: Six months.\nAndy: Oh, god. I need you to call the billboard company.\nMeredith: [entering office] Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it, loved it.\nAndy: Which one did you see?\nMeredith: Washington Street, the one with, like, twenty dongs on it.\nJim: Okay, don't be gross.\nDwight: [entering office] What's going on?\nPam: Somebody defaced the billboards we just put out in an inappropriate way.\nDwight: Oh, that's funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?\nAndy: Yeah, Dwight.\nDwight: No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! [running from building] No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! [stopping in front of defaced billboard] NOOOOOOOOO!\nDwight: Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.\nRyan: Just give us the address. We'll look it up online.\nDwight: It's simpler this way.\nOscar: It's really not.\nAndy: Now, stated arrival time is 3 p.m.\nKelly: I don't get the reason for this party.\nPhyllis: Yeah, what's the reason?\nKelly: What's the reason, Andy? What's the reason?\nAndy: It's just a garden party. Sheesh.\nAndy: You don't need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. It's a garden party. You don't need a reason.\nAndy: Few other super simple reminders no burping, no slurping, when eating take small bites and chew thoroughly with your mouth closed. Yes, Darryl?\nDarryl: What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor, or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?\nAndy: I get it, I'm being a little overbearing. But I promise to be underbearing for a week if you guys just all... step it up.\nOscar: Andy, we understand basic table manners, we're not children.\nPhyllis: Yeah, it's just a picnic.\nAndy: This is not a picnic, Phyllis, it's a garden party.\nDarryl: There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring.\nAndy: Aw, ew, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules.\nPam: How is that better than a barbecue?\nRyan: What's the dress code on this?\nAndy: I'm glad you asked.. Connecticut Casual.\nStanley: Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business, i.e. this is what I'm wearing to your party.\nAndy: Guys, my family just threw a garden party to celebrate my brother's promotion. It was a huge success. Check it out, there's a video online. Heartwarming impromptu father-son duet. [video playing on computer]\nKevin: Yeah, Oscar, you showed me this.\nDarryl: I've seen this, that's not you.\nMeredith: Yeah, whoa, who's the sausage?\nAndy: It's my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesn't really support another harmony part, so... Check it out, that's my brother's boss. Look how psyched he is, he's having an awesome time.\nJim: Ah, and did Robert California get an invite to your party?\nAndy: Yeah, of course. Ye... I mean, uh, yeah, I think he did. [groans from the group]\nPhyllis: Why didn't you just say this was to impress Robert California?\nGabe: I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey Andy, how about you don't steal my business strategies, and I won't dress like my life is just one long brunch?\nAndy: See you all there at 3 p.m., Connecticut Casual, remember your manners, and have a wonderful time.\nDwight: And please refer to the map, stay off of the web. Thank you.\nJim: [pointing to computer monitor] So, we've typed in the address, now let's take a look at the street view. [picture of Dwight and Mose on a see-saw]\nDwight: They don't warn you when the cameras are driving by.\nJim: Ah. Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean, how hard are finger sandwiches and tea?\nDwight: There's so much more to it than that.\nDwight: I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. [holds up book, Throwing A Garden Party by James Trickington] Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars. [laughs]\nJim: I'm actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. [holds up same book] I've only sold one copy.\nAngela: Is there anything you wish you had done differently to avoid cankles?\nPam: Nope.\nAngela: I've already gone up another cup size. The senator is grossed out. When do you start feeling it kick?\nPam: Cece was around 22 weeks, but Phillip was much earlier.\nAngela: Phillip?\nPam: Oh, oh my gosh. Yes, but don't, don't say anything, okay? It's after my grandfather.\nAngela: Phillip is the name that we're using. It's after my favorite cat.\nPam: [giggling] Oh, wow. Funny. It's after my grandfather.\nAngela: It's after my cat.\nRobert: [on the phone] Andrew, I've picked up two possible gifts to bring this afternoon. One, a pot of marmalade.\nAndy: Ooh, that sounds great.\nRobert: Well, that, that is what you want then, the marmalade.\nAndy: Sure.\nRobert: You don't want to hear the other one. You love marmalade.\nAndy: Uh, I'll hear the other one.\nRobert: It's a basil plant.\nAndy: You know, the marmalade sounds great.\nRobert: I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and she's very interested.\nAndy: Then the basil will be fine.\nRobert: Well, you clearly want the marmalade. Gretchen, I need another marmalade. Alright. [hangs up]\nToby: Hey, where do I park?\nMose: I'm the valet. You have to give me your car.\nToby: Uh, you know what, I can go park it myself.\nMose: I'm the... I'm the valet. You have to give me your car.\nToby: It's probably okay...\nMose: Give me your car.\nToby: I think it's better that I...\nMose: Give me your car.\nToby: It's a finicky car...\nMose: Get out. Have a good time at the thing.\nToby: It's a little tricky, you might have to... take... [Mose speeds away]\nDwight: MR. RYAN HOWARD!\nJim: Chapter 2.. Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone present.\nDwight: STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT!\nAndy: How's it going over here, guys?\nOscar: Andy, stop hovering, you're being really annoying.\nAndy: Didn't mean to bother you, Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.\nOscar: Wow.\nDwight: MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!\nWalter: So, you all work with Andy.\nAndy: Well, technically FOR Andy.\nOscar: Technically FOR Robert California. He's our CEO.\nEllen: I thought you were the CEO.\nAndy: I don't know how you got there.\nWalter: You said you were running the company.\nAndy: This branch, I'm the regional manager.\nWalter: Yes, that makes more sense. Are you all regional managers?\nAndy: Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That's crazy. Now, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves, which, as a matter of fact, they did, last week. They threw one for my baby brother who is totally amazing, but I couldn't care less.\nAndy: Can I introduce you around now?\nWalter: Uh, yeah, we don't have too long, we have theater tickets.\nAndy: What are you going to see?\nWalter: Money Ball. Walter Jr.'s choice.\nAndy: What??\nWalter Jr: Hey Bronard!\nAndy: I didn't know you were going to be here.\nWalter Jr: I wouldn't have missed it.\nErin: Ahh! [bird steals her hat]\nWalter Jr: I'm Walter, Andy's younger brother.\nJim: Oh, hey, how are you doing, I'm Jim.\nWalter Jr: Tuna, right? And this must be your lovely wife Pam [looking at Meredith].\nJim: No.\nMeredith: Hell no. She wishes.\nJim: No, no, no, no, no. No.\nWaiter: Sir, I need to be able to feed all the guests.\nKevin: [mouthful of food] I understand.\nDwight: Set that down. [grabs waitress] Present yourself.\nJim: Chapter 4 - One of the host's most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon.\nDwight: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA!\nRobert: Hello Andy.\nAndy: Welcome.\nRobert: Thank you.\nAndy: Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad.\nRobert: Yes, hello, nice to meet you.\nWalter: Pleasure.\nRobert: Andy, where shall I put your basil plant?\nAndy: Oh, I thought you were going to bring marmalade.\nRobert: No, I'm certain you said basil.\nRyan: This is not funny, man, let me down.\nKevin: I think this thing is broken.\nRyan: It's not broken, Kevin. This is how it works.\nAndy: So pretty today.\nEllen: It's getting chilly.\nWalter: We really should be leaving.\nAndy: Yeah, um, it would be weird if the boss man didn't make a toast, so, hang on. Everybody, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming, and to raise a glass to my amazing staff.\nAndy: Toasts are great. I mean, you toast somebody, they toast you back. It just goes round and round. That's my favorite part about toasts, the reciprocity.\nAndy: Let's hear from you guys, who do you want to toast?\nDarryl: Yeah, I'll say something. I think we should be acknowledging our boss, because none of us would be here without him. Robert California! [everyone toasts]\nGabe: I can't believe I didn't think of toasting Robert. Get in the game, Gabriel! Why are you talking to Stanley's mistress?\nAngela: I would like to toast someone who isn't here but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Phillip Lipton!\nPam: I also would like to toast Phillip Halpert, who is due even sooner. May he be a good namesake to my grandfather who I promised as a child long before tonight that I would one day name my son after him. To Phillip Halpert!\nAngela: She just always has to copy anything I do! It's the Ford Taurus situation all over again!\nRyan: I'd like to make a toast to the troops. All the troops. Both sides.\nErin: I think we should toast...\nDwight: Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.\nJim: Chapter 9 - The tableau vivant is not only welcomed, but expected entertainment at any garden party.\nKevin: Andy? I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter. To Robert California.\nGabe: I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California,...\nAndy: You can't triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once.\nRobert: I'll say a few words if that's alright with you, Andy.\nAndy: Yeah, yeah.\nRobert: You people say I led you, but it wasn't me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager, one day the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers.\nGabe: To Robert California, from the moment you entered our building and our hearts, you...\nAndy: Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr., please report to the stage!\nWalter: I'm eating, Andy.\nAndy: Ah, come on!\nWalter: Okay. Okay.\nAndy: Yes!\nWalter: What do you want to do?\nAndy: Well, how about one of our classic father/son duets? [starts playing guitar]\nWalter: Oh, whoa, sure? Really? It's a little tricky.\nAndy: [singing] Saying I love you is not the words...\nWalter: It's too high.\nAndy: Yeah?\nWalter: It's high but it's not that high.\nAndy: Right, it feels strange.\nWalter: Just take it down a little.\nAndy: Saying I love... Saying I love you...\nWalter: Here, give it to me. Okay. Uh, something like... [singing] Saying I love you is...\nAndy & Walter: ...not the words...\nWalter: You don't come in yet. [singing] ...I want to hear from you, It's not that I want you...\nAndy & Walter: ...not to say it but if you only knew... More than words is all you have to do to make it real...\nAndy: Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin!\nErin: [holding up cell phone] It's either taping or calling.\nAndy & Walter: What would you do if my heart was torn in two...\nWalter: You know what, Walter Jr. is here. Why don't you come up and join us?\nWalter Jr: Dad, no. I'm just having a good time getting to know Andy's friends here.\nMeredith: Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and you'll never be able to sing again. Woo!\nWalter & Walter Jr: [singing] May the good lord be with you down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true. And do unto others as you'd have done to you...\nAndy: [applauds] Cheers! Alright! Cheers, cheers, cheers, get your own guitar.\nErin's Cell Phone: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.\nErin: Sorry.\nKelly: I am so cold.\nRyan: That's because you didn't bring a jacket.\nDwight: My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?\nRobert: Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.\nDwight: Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?\nRobert: Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?\nDwight: I can get you exotic meats hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...\nRobert: We'll talk. [walks away]\nDwight: It'll all be goat.\nAndy: Hello, Cece Halpert? This is Andrew Bernard. I'd very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs. That wasn't even my worst sales call.\nWalter: [knocks] Hi. What was that display?\nAndy: I don't know, I just thought if I could throw this great garden party and show you how respected I am that you'd be proud of me.\nWalter: Andrew...\nAndy: I know, I know that you're proud of me.\nWalter: I'm not going to tell you how impressed I am that you're a manager of some rinky dink branch of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. How long are you going to go on needing my approval? You're a grown man, don't act like a little boy who needs...\nDarryl: I think if I had parents like that I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too.\nOscar: Guess we found Andy's rosebud.\nDarryl: Rosebud?\nOscar: It's a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are.\nDarryl: I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was, it just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed.\nOscar: Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree.\nDarryl: No. You're wrong.\nRobert: Are you sure?\nRyan: Yeah! I'm too hot anyway.\nRobert: My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn't that strange? I've never been there! Oh, ah, yes, that's nice. Thank you.\nWalter: It was a nice party, the setting was a little strange. Uh, the food...\nEllen: Sandwiches were dry.\nWalter Jr: Bye Tuna, bye Pam!\nAndy: Hey everybody, I'm gonna leave and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry.\nDarryl: Cheeseburger or hamburger.\nAndy: Um, cheeseburger.\nOscar: Narddog. [throws Andy a can]\nAndy: Thanks, Oscar.\nPam: What are they doing?\nJim: Closing ceremonies.\nPam: Nice touch.\nJim: I think I left my wallet in your house.\nDwight: Who cares.\nJim: Right here.\nDwight: MR. JAMES HALPERT!\nJim: Keys, keys...\nDwight: Stop forgetting things.\nJim: I didn't forget them, they're right here.\nDwight: MR. JAMES HALPERT!\nJim: I'm so sorry, I think I forgot that thing...\nDwight: What? Idiot.\nJim: Whoo.\nDwight: MIS... MI... What are you doing?\nJim: Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office?\nDwight: That's a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT!\nOscar: I cannot believe how condescending Andy's being.\nDarryl: He gets condescending when he's nervous. Or when he's excited or sleepy. Not an easy person to be friends with.\nMeredith: Well I just hate being treated like some bum with no class. I'm a lady. I'm a mother. I'm a former boxer!\nAndy: Hey guys, getting psyched for the party? Ryan? Can I count on you to wear an understated satirical outfit?\nRyan: Can't wait. A folk colonialist gathering when unemployment's at 9%. I wouldn't miss it for the world.\nAndy: Awesome.\nDwight: Erin...the receptionist!\nAndy: Oh, oh, oh, Kevin. I am reminded of a lame but useful saying I learned as a kid. What is the difference between Hors d'oeuvres and the animals on Noah's ark?\nKevin: What?\nAndy: With Hors d'oeuvres we only take one at a time.\nKevin: Oh, OK. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a blonde?\nJim: Chapter seven: The host should always present something spectacular to draw the eye of his guests.\nDwight: When all this is over, I'd like to actually go to one of Trickington's parties, they sound like a blast.\nDwight: Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you...the Alamo! [reveals lump of ice]\nAngela: Little Cici asleep?\nPam: Yeah, she just went down.\nAngela: Such a precious little angel.\nPam: Aww.\nAngela: Cecilia...and Phillip.\nPam: Yes, after my grandfather.\nAngela: Phillip is wasted on you. Jim is never gonna take the time to call him Phillip! He doesn't even take the time to get a haircut. And Phil! Ugh! It's just something you do to a hole!\nPam: Well I'm having my baby first, so that's that.\nAngela: You know what? It could go either way. My doctor said my hips are so dainty that I'll most definitely have a C-section, so I could go early.\nPam: You think your doctor's going to give you a C-section at six months?\nAngela: Yeah! If I request it he will. And that is that.\nAndy: My parents are used to a certain type of class. The people that I work with are a different type of class. One is not better than the other, it's just that maybe one's a little higher than the other?"}
{"text": "Andy: [looking at Angela's costume] Approved!\nAndy: [claps] Chef from South Park, it's genius!\nStanley: Just some chef.\nAndy: I've decided to pre-screen all the Halloween costumes this year. I have three simple rules - don't be offensive, don't be cliche, and don't take the first two rules too seriously.\nKevin: The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Huh? The one who sacrifices his life.\nAndy: Whoa! Aw, spoiler alert.\nKevin: It's been out for ages, man.\nAndy: Costume vetoed.\nAndy: Ah, it's, uh... somebody's already called that.\nPhyllis: Who?\nAndy: Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow.\nKelly: This is ridiculous! Why can't there just be two Kate Middleton's?\nAndy: Guys, I know, I mean, I wish there could be, too. It's like, I can't choose. They're both amazing. It's just...\nKelly: Look, I stayed up all night and I watched that gd wedding, and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day. Meredith wasn't even here.\nMeredith: Because I was there. [shows Kelly her cell phone video] Your the people's princess! Diana was nothing!\nAndy: I thought you were at your sister's funeral.\nMeredith: What I said was, My sister's funeral is this weekend. Didn't say I'd be there.\nMeredith: Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids, doing it.\nAndy: Um, can I, maybe, squeeze through?\nErin: Here you go.\nAndy: There you go. Thank you.\nErin: When they talk about all the nice things about dating a coworker, they don't mention one of the best parts. After you're done dating, you still get to work together, every single day.\nKevin: Jim, put it on.\nDarryl: Put it on, man.\nJim: I don't know if I can.\nKevin: Come on, the Three Amigos.\nDarryl: Three Kings.\nJim: Alright.\nJim: I know, I know, I know. But Darryl and Kevin needed a third. They bought me this jersey. I said no. Kevin started crying. So, I am Chris Bosh.\nRyan: [to Kelly] If you get into season 1, you can really...\nKelly: [Dwight walks in] Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you?\nDwight: It's called a costume.\nKelly: What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman?\nDwight: Ryan, will you please tell her who I am?\nRyan: Whoopi Goldberg.\nDwight: Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from Starcraft? Queen of blades? It's all Toby's fault.\nToby: Every Halloween I tell him the same thing - You can't bring weapons into the office, and every year he says the same thing - As soon as I get my weapons back I'm gonna kill you. But there I am at Thanksgiving, alive, you know. I'm a lucky turkey.\nAndy: Everybody looking good, this is, this is the best we can do? I'm not judging, I, I think you guys look great, I just... wanna make sure this is the best we can do?\nAndy: I just got a text from Broccoli Rob - 'Boo!' Scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California - 'Looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high.' Scared the s**t out of me.\nAndy: G'day, Pameroo. Could you shoot this off for me?\nPam: Yeah.\nAndy: Australian accent...\nPam: [faxing, Erin watching over her shoulder] What are you doing?\nErin: Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it, if you're doing something I don't.\nPam: Oh. [sends fax, Erin nods] Are you...\nErin: That Andy, so hot and cold. One day he's like, fax these documents, please. The next he's like, Pam, you fax them, who cares what Erin's feeling, right?\nPam: Oh, Erin...\nErin: Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?\nPam: Um, 2?\nErin: That's like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear.\nPam: No, I mean, you're doing great, and Andy put you in charge of the whole party, right?\nErin: Yeah...\nPam: Yeah.\nErin: Send completed. You are the best in the biz, I can't deny.\nPhyllis: Bob and I are doing this Scranton Haunted Walking Tour.\nOscar: I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing.\nPam: Oh, hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub, tell the Man In Black I say hello.\nOscar: [sigh] What happened, Pam?\nPam: Okay. When I was 22, I worked there and everybody said the place was haunted. I didn't believe it until one day before we opened, I look up into the mirror, you know, behind the bar, and I see this old man dressed all in black, but when I turn around, there's no one there. So, I tell the cook my story...\nPhyllis: Wait, they have food there?\nPam: ...and he said, That's what everyone sees, that's the Man In Black.\nJim: No! My wife does not believe in ghosts.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Hey!\nJim: Oh, this Man In Black thing, what do you think that was about?\nPam: What do you mean?\nJim: Was it, like, trickery in the lights, or maybe you were so primed to see it, then there it was?\nPam: I saw a ghost.\nJim: Mmhmm. No, but what I'm saying is, like, do you ever wonder what it was?\nPam: It was a ghost, I told you this on, like, our first date.\nJim: Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the Blue Angels. I figured you had to top it.\nPam: I don't know what to tell you, Jim, but I saw a ghost.\nAndy: Hey! Uh-oh, looks like we're under a Jack attack!\nRobert: Yes, Andrew. And you, on this day of fantasy, are a laborer.\nAndy: Yes.\nRobert: Everyone, this Bert, my son. Bert, this is... a paper company.\nBert: Hello. Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane.\nRobert: Here, use this one. [walking to Jim's desk]\nRobert: Oh, look, Pin The Wart On The Wench. How did you know I was bringing my son?\nErin: Oh, I didn't. It was for us, but he can play. Bertie-boy, would you like to play this game?\nBert: That stuff's for babies.\nRobert: Well, perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us.\nAndy: Wow, who shot our grown-up party with a kiddie raygun? We're still getting it set up, it's gonna be really cool.\nRobert: [laughing] Extraordinary. Did you plan this?\nKelly: Well, Toby and I did, yeah.\nGabe: And I overheard, and thought, hey, that'd be fun, don't mind if I do.\nToby: If you turn out the lights we'll do a little dance.\nKelly: 1, 2, 3!\nGabe/Kelly/Toby: [singing and dancing] Dem bones, dem bones, dem tired bones, now we're the skeleton crew.\nRobert: [laughing and clapping] Delightful.\nKelly: Thank you. [Gabe mumbles]\nRobert: Now then, how are we today?\nKelly: Fine.\nToby: Great.\nRobert: Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright?\nKelly: Mmhmm.\nRobert: You feeling fulfilled in your life?\nKelly: I guess.\nRobert: You guess? So, there is something you want that you do not have.\nKelly: I try not to think about it.\nRobert: Because it's too terrifying to imagine. Now we're cooking. What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours?\nKelly: Never marrying.\nRobert: Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby?\nToby: So great.\nErin: Oh, I put those up.\nAngela: I know. I'm taking them down.\nPhyllis: I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall is more Halloween-y.\nErin: I don't know about this, guys, Andy put me in charge of the Halloween party, so...\nAngela: Well, Andy sent us in here, so which is it?\nErin: Oh.\nAngela: So, can we speak our minds now, or are we still sparing feelings, because I hate all of this.\nBert: Very low pressure in the Sargasso Sea, warm air from South America, cold air from Greenland. All signs point to the perfect storm.\nDwight: Yeah, perfectly mediocre.\nBert: What are you, anyway?\nDwight: I'm a Jamaican zombie woman, leave me alone, ghoul.\nBert: If you had some really big wings with blades on the end, you'd kind of look like Kerrigan from Starcraft.\nDwight: Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! I've been censored.\nBert: If you're going to be a Zerg, at least be a Lurker, not some girl.\nDwight: Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!\nBert: Yeah, she also has boobs.\nDwight: Yeah, but no nipples.\nErin: Hey.\nAndy: Hey. What's up?\nErin: November's sure creeping up, ain't it? Can't stop that month!\nAndy: Yeah...\nErin: Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party, you know?\nAndy: Um, I just thought you could use some help, you know, because Robert came in and thought the party seemed a little kiddie, and I guess I agreed, and maybe we could mix a little more 13 into the PG.\nErin: But that's it? There's nothing about me, or I?\nAndy: Can we talk about it at the end of the day? I gotta call, gotta make a call.\nErin: Oh, yeah, sorry. Yes, we can.\nAndy: [pretending to be on the phone] Yes. [laughs] I don't know. Mmhmm.\nErin: Gabe?\nGabe: Sweetheart.\nErin: I'm throwing the Halloween Party and I just want to amp it up a little. I think it could use some extra pizazz.\nGabe: Ok where does Gabe factor in?\nErin: Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in and I didn't stop crying?\nGabe: Yes. Lars and Decocco's\nErin: Ok. Let's say that I wanted this party to be a tiny, tiny bit like that one. Just.. more adult more.. scary and sexy\nGabe: I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine.\nErin: No just scary. If we wanted ideas for scary stuff.\nGabe: [laughs, eventually Erin joins him laughing] Oh that would be scary!\nErin: What are you thinking?\nGabe: Ok let me go get it.\nPam: [answers phone] Pam Halpert.\nJim: Hey it's Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight. Because I've read a lot about this really great documentary.\nPam: Is it called Ghostbusters?\nJim: [laughs] It's called Ghostbusters.\nPam: It didn't look like that.\nJim: It didn't have a buster sign around him? Why don't you draw him? Why don't we see this whole thing.\nPam: Ok fine I'll draw him. [hangs up phone and draws]\nJim: I ain't fraid of no ghost. [Pam holds up drawing of a hand with the middle finger raised] Whoa!\nPam: Mmhmm. Dwight are you eating a stick?\nDwight: It's a root you idiot.\nBert: Everyone hates you.\nDwight: That's really rude. I don't tell you hurricanes suck even though it's true.\nBert: What do you like? Tornadoes?\nDwight: Try influenza.\nBert: Oh yeah? What's the vaccine you can take to avoid a hurricane?\nDwight: Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricane's coming. I suppose you're going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?\nBert: Try a box jelly fish.\nJim: You know that's..\nRobert: What are we talking about?\nJim: I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate and Meredith said she believes in them too.\nRobert: [to Kevin] You seem unimpressed. Ghosts don't scare you?\nKevin: I'm only scared of real things like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that don't exist like ghosts or mummies.\nOscar: Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums.\nKevin: Yeah [nervously]prank\nRobert: It's true. They've been preserved for thousands of years. They're all over.\nKevin: [screaming] Why on Earth would a museum put a mummy in it?!?\nErin: Witch's brew?\nErin: I grew this party up real fast. Get out of here little kid party. Nobody loves you. And clean up your room! Grownups are going to use it later! Oooh!\nJim: Party looks fun doesn't it? Everybody seems to be in there having a great time. So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer.\nBert: I'm using it. I'm about to play Starcraft with him [points to Dwight].\nJim: [to Dwight] Are you serious?\nDwight: Yeah I'm serious.\nJim: That's funny. Ok.\nDwight: Loser.\nBert: Yeah.\nAngela: Pam do you think anyone's going to notice I've worn this costume before? When I wasn't pregnant. You know I bet nobody would believe it still fits.\nOscar: Hey guys. I'm an Oscar [gestures to face] liar [gestures to nametag saying 'Representative Weiner] weiner.\nRyan: Oh my god!\nDarryl: This party's tight. The fog is cool.\nErin: Thanks. It's on medium.\nDarryl: Perfect.\nAndy: It really looks great. You did a great job.\nErin: Oh, so we don't have to have that talk.\nAndy: We should still have that talk. Maybe you can come by my office at like 4:45? [Erin nods] Cool.\nErin: [in ghostly voice] Oookayyy everybody. Be prepared to be scared. Ok. [hits play on DVD player, 'Do yes disturb meditations of horror' appears on screen, Gabe winks at Erin, on screen food deflates, a mouse crawls across a photograph of a woman, a person brushes very dirty teeth]\nGabe: The cinema of the unsettling is a growing film movement. The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot of a squirrel with diarrhea.\nOscar: [cuts back to a Happy Birthday cake gushing blood when cut into, a doll melts, a woman eats food and puckers her face] Is that my grandmother?\nAndy: What's the story?\nOscar: There is no story.\nGabe: Yeah it seems like there isn't a narrative. [on screen a man gets into a car] Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting.\nStanley: What the hell is going on here?\nAndy: I think we've seen enough. You can turn it off now. [everyone murmurs agreement] Yeah turn it off now.\nStanley: How did you get in my car?\nOscar: Where is this from? That is so upsetting!\nAndy: That was awful. Robert I apologize.\nErin: I'm sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult. But I think I know what to do now [grabs box]. This game is called 'pecker Poker'. [fighting tears] It's the game of cards that gets you hard.\nAndy: What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.\nRobert: Why didn't you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. You're obviously very close. [Andy and Erin look awkwardly at each other and Robert]. Oh I see. This no longer seems like my business [Robert sits].\nErin: All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me and I got nervous so\nRobert: You were going to talk at the end of the I'm not here.\nAndy: Did you think I was going to fire you? No I wasn't. [to Robert] I'm sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you.\nRobert: I'm never uncomfortable.\nAndy: Ok. Erin I think you know I've been dating someone.\nErin: Sure.\nAndy: And it's getting a little more serious. She's never come by.\nErin: And she's never called here. Unless it's your mom.\nAndy: No I didn't want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now it's weird that she's not calling.\nErin: Two dates? Three dates?\nAndy: Thirty-one.\nErin: Wow. I'm so happy for you guys. Um let me know when you get to forty. I'll see you guys.\nRobert: I should go.\nDarryl: I just don't get it, Pam. I mean, you're a rational person.\nJim: [whispering] Thank you.\nPam: Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs. How is this any less logical?\nJim: Careful, whoa. First of all, it's not like I think that's going to help the Eagles win.\nPam: Really.\nJim: No. That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the Eagles will hear about and want to play better. It's not...\nKevin: Exactly.\nJim: Thank you.\nDwight: Go, get up there right now.\nBert: Got it.\nDarryl: Dwight?\nDwight: You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call, B.\nBert: Unleash the hellstorm.\nDarryl: Dwight.\nDwight: [laughs] Nice.\nDarryl: Dwight!\nDwight: Got 'em. Go!\nPhyllis: Is she Asian?\nErin: I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet. Maybe from the forest.\nPhyllis: Forest? Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest?\nErin: I don't know, Phyllis. Maybe she's from the city.\nPhyllis: Hmm.\nRobert: Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed?\nCreed: No...\nRobert: Are you scared of snakes?\nCreed: You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.\nDarryl: [in the bathroom with Robert[ Yeah, I guess sometimes I have nightmares about being buried alive.\nMeredith: [talking to Robert] Honestly, Jim gives me the creeps.\nRobert: [to camera] What am I up to?\nJim: Like, a few years down the road, Cece says, 'Mom, there's a ghost in my closet.' Now, you say one of two things - one, 'You're just having a bad dream,' or two, 'Let's go see what it was.'\nPam: I'm not gonna freak her out, Jim.\nJim: Ok.\nPam: I'm not gonna lie to her, either.\nJim: Oh, come on!\nRobert: When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. [hisses] She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby's crib, was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter.\nCreed: Oh my goodness.\nRobert: The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby, for they were mummies.\nKevin: Nooo!\nRobert: Amongst them was a man, tall, slim.\nMeredith: Jim. [rolls eyes]\nRobert: Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband. 'Oh, wait,' she thought, 'I don't have a husband.' For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Everytime she wanted to act and didn't, another part of her face hardened, until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, 'Baby, are you okay?' Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, 'I'm fine, b!tch, I'm fine.'\nBert: [laughs]\nRobert: Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear.\nBert: Toby?\nToby: Oh, hey, Bert. Wanna see the dance? Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry...\nBert: You're fired.\nToby: ...bones. What?\nBert: You heard me. Pack your things.\nToby: What... you can't... Gabe? Are you...\nBert: I'm the CEO's son. Pack your things. You're done.\nAngela: Oh, no.\nJim: Pink is the red-\nRobert: What are we talking about?\nJim: I was talking about my wife, and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate. Meredith said she believes in them too.\nRobert: Have you seen a ghost?\nMeredith: Seen and banged.\nOscar: Hmph.\nMeredith: Ok, I met him in a bar, right? There's something weird about him. He doesn't smell right, the clothes are all tattered and dirty and from another age. Anyways, we end up back and my place and we go at it all night-\nOscar: Meredith, don't.\nRobert: No, no. I'm very comfortable with all things sexual. Continue.\nMeredith: I wake up the next morning, all my stuff's gone. Whole house turned over. No trace. You tell me what happened.\nRobert: Have you considered the possibility that you slept with a drifter?\nMeredith: He didn't smell like a drifter.\nBert: What are you anyway?\nDwight: I'm a Jamaican zombie woman. Leave me alone, ghoul.\nBert: I'm a zombie from Walking Dead. It's a show.\nDwight: Uh, I know what it is. Ok? I have like a thousand people over every week to watch it. Ok? We all kinda hate it though.\nBert: Who's your favorite character?\nDwight: The city of Atlanta.\nStanley: If ghosts are real, how come everyone knows what they look like? It's not like a bunch of people got together and agreed on a lie.\nPam: Thank you.\nOscar: Interesting. Every culture holds this true. Clearly, there's some sort of real phenomenon out there...\nJim: Oscar, how are you on that side?\nPam: This isn't about sides. This is about me seeing a blueish gray old man in the mirror and then he vanishes.\nCreed: Pam, this is important. Was he me? Am I him?\nPam: No, Creed.\nJim: But that would make more sense. [Pam sighs]"}
{"text": "Andy: [Flickering Lights] Hey everybody it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. [Plays radio and the song is Closing Time by Semisonic]\nErin: [Laughs and shrieks]\nAndy: Closing time.\nAndy: Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird.\nAndy: Closing time\nJim: [On phone] ...W R K.\nAndy: One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.\nJim: Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing.\nAndy: Come on pam!\nAndy/Pam: [Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from.\nPam: Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. [nods and shakes head] Still don't know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home.\nAndy: I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. [Pulls towel through legs] I know who I want to take me home. [Spins Meredith in chair] Take me hooo'hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing' no traditions!\nStanley: [singing] Closing time every new beginning\nStanley: I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it, but that song means it's time to go home. Now it's my favorite song.\nAndy/Stanley: [singing] Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.\nStanley: Goodnight.\nAndy: Whose your favorite iron chef?\nRobert: [speaking at the same time as andy] This is atrocious.\nAndy: You go first.\nRobert: The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office.\nAndy: Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes\nDwight: [runs in and interrupts] Sorry, go ahead.\nRobert: [to dwight] Did you need something from us?\nDwight: Wha...Yes. Your attention. Uh because.. No that is all. [walks out]\nDwight: Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted 'We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.\nRobert: Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.\nAndy: Umpf that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.\nRobert: Who are they?\nAndy: They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture\nRobert: Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.\nAndy: I would agree with that.\nRobert: Simply..end the mistakes\nAndy: End the mistakes, easy-\nRobert: When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?\nAndy: I would like that.\nRobert: End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.\nJim: I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So, my pitch is, me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine.\nDarryl: Nahh! [shakes head] No. Not Justine. Never Justine.\nJim: Is that off again?\nDarryl: Oh yeah.\nJim: Ok.\nVal: Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today.\nDarryl: Ahh...We don't really do those. We just sign the thing.\nVal: Are you really this lazy?\nDarryl: I'll be there.\nGabe: Hey.\nVal: Hey.\nGabe: Monday's suck.\nVal: Yeaha..yup. [awkward silence then points to door] Just trying to get in.\nDwight: I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.\nAndy: What do you got?\nDwight: [opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ugh'should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.\nAndy: Sounds controversial.\nDwight: Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?\nAndy: Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop.\nDwight: Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead.\nAndy: Go do the voodoo that you do so well.\nDwight: I will do my voodoo.\nAndy: Mmhmmm.\nGabe: Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.\nToby: For you?\nGabe: Yes. For Gabe.\nToby: Who are you seeing? That's gr'\nGabe: Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.\nToby: Oh.\nGabe: I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..[holds up fist]\nToby: You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating.\nGabe: Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?\nToby: But I mean'uh have you talked to her? Is sh'\nGabe: Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays'\nToby: Do you know her last name, yet?\nGabe: Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight.\nToby: She's going to be screaming her own last name?\nGabe: Hey! Watch it.\nToby: Good luck Gabe.\nAndy: Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really.\nKevin: Thank you.\nAndy: And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call'Dwight'\nDwight: The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.\nAndy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper.\nDwight: Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.\nKelly: What emails are you talking about?\nDwight: Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly.\nKelly: That's not that bad actually.\nDwight: P.S. We should should kill him.\nJim: Wait, so you installed a doomsday device?\nDwight: No, it's an accountability booster.\nJim: Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device.\nDwight: Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.\nKelly: Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.\nRyan: We can't do this Dwight.\nDwight: [Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile'nod. Smile and nod.\nDwight: They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like'not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor'\nAndy: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes.\nDwight: But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve.\nAndy: Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha.\nStanley: This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me.\nOscar: There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment.\nDwight: [alert goes off] Oh, there's one mistake.\nErin: Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.\nAndy: Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I'\nDwight: It's not a doomsday device, gosh. [Erin makes red strike on desk] We can do this you guys.\nWarehouse Crew: First. Second.\nDarryl: It's not a race.\nWarehouse Crew: Thirrrr'.third.\nDarryl: Who knows what the belt is for?\nGabe: It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous.\nDarryl: Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone.\nWarehouse Crew: Hi, gabe.\nDarryl: All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays.\nGabe: Look at this, this is enormous.\nGabe: I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard. [Gestures milking a cow]\nGabe: It's like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way.\nDarryl: You done?\nGabe: The Michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back.\nPhyllis: Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five.\nKevin: I'm on it.\nAngela: Kevin, maybe I should handle that. We really need you to focus on your project.\nKevin: Good thinking.\nKevin: Apparently a big client for this company, needs to know the story of how paper gets made.\nAngela: Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes head]\nOscar: When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head]\nAndy: Alright everybody, you are doing great!\nDwight: Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. [Meredith gives dwight the finger]\nJim: Dwight, question.\nDwight: No questions.\nJim: If this doomsday device goes off...\nDwight: Accountability booster.\nJim: If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that?\nDwight: I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.\nStanley: Try mose1234.\nRyan: Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like'z64$8. [incorrect password] Not that exactly Jim, something like that.\nJim: Ok.\nDwight: How about Scrantonstrangler666.\nJim: Nope.\nDwight: No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha'You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike.\nKelly: Wha'what's Dwight's mothers name.\nJim: Hmm'Heda. [alert] No.\nDarryl: Once you read the packet, sign the back.\nGabe: Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val'\nDarryl: Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.\nVal: Yeah, sure.\nGabe: Uh.\nDarryl: Mmhmm. [points at gabe] Caramel soy latte.\nGabe: Decaf frap-\nDarryl: Got it.\nAngela: You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right?\nOscar: Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty.\nAngela: Six-seventy, six-twenty.\nOscar: Nuh uh.\nAngela: yes!\nOscar: Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no.\nKevin: What does this mean? What does it mean!\nOscar: Andy. [alert sounds]\nAngela: Ohhhh!\nAndy: Gahhh. That's five strikes.\nStanley: [pulls out Brandy bottle] Well'I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.\nAndy: Dwight we got five strikes.\nDwight: Really?\nAndy: Did the email go out or'\nDwight: It goes out automatically at five P.M.\nAndy: Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it.\nDwight: Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.\nAndy: Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password.\nDwight: No.\nAndy: What?!\nDwight: You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.\nPhyllis: We did our best.\nDwight: No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. [everyone interjects] What?!\nErin: You're a real crumb bum, you know that?\nDwight: Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?\nKevin: Uh, the man tree puts its penis-\nDwight: Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please.\nAndy: Nn no.\nDwight: What?\nAndy: No!\nOscar: Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine.\nKelly: Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! [erin joins in yelling] Shut it down! Shut it down!\nDwight: Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.\nErin: Dwight's car is gone.\nPam: I bet he went home.\nAndy: Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email.\nAndy: Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us.\nKevin: Yeah.\nAndy: Kevin has that lovability.\nKevin: Guys come on. I'm right here.\nAndy: Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something.\nJim: Ok, where is he?\nErin: Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash.\nJim: I'll try both.\nDwight: [digging] Oh. Come to reason with me?\nAndy: Gotcha something. [gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside] And, uh, I just really want to talk to you-\nDwight: Get lost.\nAndy: Well now hold on it, it-\nPam: What are you doing?\nDwight: What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.\nPam: Uhm.\nErin: Do you need a hand?\nPam: Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in]\nDwight: If you hit another horse, you've dug to far.\nRobert: I'll see you next week Will. [at the club, playing squash]\nJim: Robert.\nRobert: Jim what are you'What a surprise.\nJim: Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting.\nRobert: Yeah.\nJim: You up for a game?\nRobert: A game or a match?\nJim: Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it.\nPam: Are you okay, Kevin? [Kevin gives thumbs down]\nAndy: [to Dwight] Where you going?\nDwight: In. I'm hungry.\nPam: Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water.\nDwight: Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on.\nPam: Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is.\nDwight: This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.\nVal: That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab.\nDarryl: Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab?\nVal: That's what I'm sayin'.\nGabe: [to Val] Hey. You're welcome.\nVal: Thanks for the coffee.\nGabe: So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.\nVal: Are you asking me on a date?\nGabe: Yes, I am.\nVal: Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy.\nGabe: I could quit. Problem solved.\nVal: Don't quit. [Darryl eavesdropping, nods]\nDarryl: Good policy. Sensible. Smart.\nJim: Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving.\nRobert: In the box.\nJim: In the box. [hits it straight into the floor]\nOscar: Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left.\nAngela: Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'-\nOscar: I made a mistake. I'm sorry.\nStanley: I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! [laughing and drinking Brandy]\nOscar: It's not that funny.\nErin: [Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head] Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt.\nPam: Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right?\nDwight: Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's 'Nobody's perfect.' Nice stroke, Pam.\nPam: No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha.\nDwight: I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny.\nAndy: Dwight, there's just a small matter of a-\nPam: You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk.\nDwight: Any specific animal?\nPam: I'm thinking cow-\nDwight: Don't say cow- Ugh.\nAndy: What are you doing? It's 5 to 5.\nPam: Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will.\nAndy: That's insane!\nPam: Just trust me.\nAndy: Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning.\nPam: I got this.\nAndy: Enngh-\nPam: Hahhh, thanks for everything.\nDwight: Sive drafely. [Pam points back at him, smiling]\nKevin: Isn't it supposed to be, 'Drive safely'?\nJim: [a text tone goes off] Is that my phone?\nRobert: Sounded like mine.\nJim: Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright.\nRobert: Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag.\nJim: Oh, oh yeah.\nRobert: Can I have it?\nJim: Yes. Right now? Yes.\nRobert: Yep.\nJim: Here you go. [throws it over glass]\nRobert: Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. [tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor]\nRobert: [censored beep] ha, Jesus.\nJim: Awww, sorry. Did it break?\nRobert: Nah, it's good.\nJim: You sure?\nRobert: Yeah.\nJim: What kinda iPhone is that?\nRobert: It's the standard one. The one everyone has.\nJim: Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting?\nRobert: It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting?\nJim: Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- [texting on his phone]\nRobert: My serve!\nPam: [her text tones rings] Dwight stopped the device!\nAndy: Oh!\nKevin: Yes!\nErin: Haho!\nOscar: [his phone vibrates] He stopped it!\nRyan: Oh! [everyone yelling out, celebrating] We still have our jobs.\nDwight: They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. [pulls cap he previously discarded, out of the dirt] God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?\nRobert: Take it easy. Nice and easy.\nJim: [hits ball, ricochets to groin] Ah! Classic, right? [Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down]\nRobert: Oo!\nJim: I'm alright.\nRobert: You alright?\nJim: Yep.\nRobert: Skinned knee.\nJim: Yep. Ah. Oh. [and skinned elbow]\nRobert: Oo, a little ice on that maybe.\nJim: Yeah. That does not feel good.\nRobert: Okay. My serve.\nAndy: Let's not make any mistakes today. Or at least no more than four.\nStanley: This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Y2K all over again.\nStanley: Oh, I was all about the Y2K bug. Paid some guy to update my PC, threw out my microwave, canceled my plane ticket, sold all my stocks, spent New Year's Eve with a gas mask on my face. I was even wearing a diaper! Someone said Y2K would get the toilets.\nPam: This could be real. Dwight's pretty handy with computers. He fixed my laptop once.\nJim: Ok, he didn't fix it. The brightness level was all the way down.\nPam: You couldn't fix it.\nJim: I wasn't here that day.\nPam: Yes you were.\nJim: No- Ok. Well, we'll talk about it later. Straussburg! I had a meeting in Straussburg and I dropped you off beforehand. I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes?\nPam: I don't think so, babe.\nJim: Ok, this is crazy.\nJim: I have never played squash. But I have seen it in countless 80's movies and it seems like the most common mistake is that you serve too hard and hit yourself right in the squash balls. So, as long as I don't do that, I think I'll be alright.\nRobert: Eleven love. I win again.\nJim: [grunts] Good game. You are a worthy opponent. You wanna play one more?\nRobert: I don't think so.\nJim: No? Come on.\nRobert: Why? Not only are you terrible at squash, but you don't even seem to enjoy it. Jim, this is not enough of a challenge for me.\nJim: Well, that is... because you didn't realize that... I was left-handed.\nDarryl: What are you doing here, Gabe?\nGabe: Well Darryl, considering that I basically own the place, I'm just chillin' at mi casa. This is me, in repose..I suppose.\nGabe: You know, there's this expression: Bro's before Ho's. And what that's short for is brothers before whores. Uh, I don't buy that. I would throw any brother under the bus for any whore. Woman.\nAndy: Robert, do you wanna smoke pipes during our meeting?\nRobert: Let's wait, until we have something to smoke about.\nAndy: Yes. Of course. [whispers] Erin..[throws pipes at Erin]\nDwight: Hey, Andy.\nAndy: Yeah?\nDwight: Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate...\nAndy: I don't think so.\nDwight: Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all...\nAndy: Yeah. I'm still figuring out the two man bobsled here, so let's hold off on the D-man for now."}
{"text": "Andy: Erin.\nErin: Yeah.\nAndy: In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I'm not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.\nErin: Who's calling?\nAndy: Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I'm going to refuse to take it.\nErin: You're not going to take it?\nAndy: Just make up a phone call. It's not a real call. Make it up.\nErin: Ohohohoh.\nAndy: And come and tell me. Doesn't matter what it is.\nErin: You're not going to get it though?\nAndy: I'm not going to take it. And then he's going to be like 'whoa this is a really important meeting'.\nErin: Copy that.\nAndy: Okay.\nAndy: Ok, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I'll tell you how we can beat it.\nClient: Uh well we've been going with'\nErin: Andy.\nAndy: Yeah.\nErin: You have a very important call.\nAndy: I'm sorry ' I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait.\nErin: Are you sure? It's really, really important.\nAndy: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.\nErin: Really? Because your mother is dead.\nClient: Oh my God.\nAndy: I don't think she's dead.\nErin: She's dead. She was hit by a bus.\nAndy: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.\nErin: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen.\nDwight: Andy I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.\nClient: Oh you must take this call. It's'\nAndy: Yeah. Um line 1?\nErin: Line 2.\nAndy: Hi.\nDarryl: [on phone]It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.\nAndy: Ooh, gosh!\nDarryl: Dude.\nAndy: Officer.\nDarryl: Look man this is a bad idea.\nAndy: Did she have any last words or?\nDarryl: Really? That is messed up man.\nAndy: Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.\nDarryl: You're a bad man Andy Bernard.\nAndy: That is so mom.\nDarryl: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle'\nAndy: Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?\nPam: Hey Cathy.\nCathy: Hi.\nPam: How's it going? Everything make sense?\nCathy: I think everything is under control.\nPam: Great.\nCathy: You should sit down.\nPam: Oh no, I'm fine.\nCathy: No I should go fill out my paperwork.\nPam: Ok [squeaking sound] Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this.\nDwight: Oh we know.\nPam: I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave. Oh I should've mentioned I'm pregnant. You probably didn't notice because it's impossible to tell I'm so small. But yeah I'm pregnant. [another squeak] Oh come on!\nRyan: Hey ' asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single?\nJim: Hmm. Doubt it.\nRyan: Yeah me too.\nPam: You doubt it?\nJim: What's that?\nPam: Why do you doubt that she's single?\nJim: Honestly I have no idea. I just figured we'd save her from Ryan right?\nDarryl: What are you doing with my lunch?\nAndy: I'm delivering it from the fridge. It's like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza?\nDarryl: It's not pizza.\nAndy: Yeah and we're not about to make love. I just thought maybe you'd want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes.\nDarryl: I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?\nAndy: Uh you tell me [Kevin playing drums with chicken legs]\nRyan: So word on the street is she has a boyfriend.\nGabe: Well he's probably a drug dealer. That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow.\nToby: It's going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.\nOscar: Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence.\nOffscreen: Good energy\nPam: It's going to be good to have someone hot at Pam's desk huh?\nOscar: No, no. Not even.\nPam: I'm kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She's obviously super cute I get it. But I'd like to point out there's 50 pounds more of me to love if that's your thing.\nOscar: Pam you look more beautiful now than ever.\nToby: Radiant.\nPam: Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet.\nPhyllis: Yeah you have this sexy glow.\nGabe: It's one of the most common fetishes.\nPam: Really well thank you all.\nToby: You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.\nRyan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing?\nToby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren.\nDwight: Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.\nOscar: In this case yes.\nDwight: No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.\nPhyllis: No we're not.\nDwight: Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.\nAndy: [scatting] Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray.\nDarryl: Nice scatting, man.\nAndy: Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.\nVal: Not bad fellas, you're better than you look.\nKevin: Hey, screw you!\nAndy: [sees Robert California enter] Hey Robert, are we meeting early?\nRobert: Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here?\nAndy: Well we're all musicians and we play together sometimes.\nRobert: You're a band.\nAndy: Thank you.\nKevin: We're called Kevin and the Zits.\nDarryl: That was never agreed upon.\nRobert: I miss being in a band.\nAndy: Miss no more! What do you play? Join us!\nKevin: I have a tambourine.\nRobert: Tambourine? You know I'm the CEO, right?\nAndy: [to Kevin] CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends.\nRobert: I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car.\nAndy: Great!\nKevin: Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit!\nDarryl: Again, never agreed upon.\nAndy: I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you're in a rock and roll band with somebody, you're bonded for life!\nDarryl: Usually that life is short and tragic. That's okay, right?\nAndy: Yeah, even cooler.\nKevin: We all got to go sometime.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Helen Mirren. Hot?\nJim: Yeah. Super pretty.\nPam: Huh. What about Cathy?\nJim: The temp?\nPam: Yeah. Do you think she's hot?\nJim: Nope.\nPam: I'm not asking if you're in to her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive?\nJim: And I'm telling you, I don't.\nPam: You don't find Cathy attractive?\nJim: No, I don't.\nJim: No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.\nPam: Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake.\nJim: Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? [Jim leaves]\nDwight: That's just absurd.\nPam: Yes, because she's hot, right?\nDwight: Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on.\nPam: The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth.\nPam: Dwight, am I hot right now?\nDwight: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.\nPam: What about before? Was I attractive before?\nDwight: Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.\nPam: Hmm. I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.\nDwight: You think Jim's lying? [laughs] That's so cute. I know he's lying.\nPam: Five bucks if you can get him to admit it.\nDwight: Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman.\nPam: Yep, that's the Dwight I need.\nDwight: If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules.\nPam: Okay.\nDwight: Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.\nPam: I think so. Okay.\nDwight: Rule two: we stop at nothing.\nPam: Well, what does that... is that... okay.\nDwight: Rule three: Don't fall in love.\nPam: Yep, good.\nDwight: We're gonna bust this guy.\nPam: Honesty is very important to me.\nDwight: So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.\nPam: Let's just see how we feel when we get there.\nKelly: Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam.\nDwight: None taken. What do you got?\nKelly: It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy's hot.\nPam: Hmm.\nRobert: [to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer] Hey, you found us!\nCurtis: You guys sound great, man.\nRobert: Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding.\nDarryl: Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead.\nKevin: [to drummer] Dude, you're on TV! You're the sportscaster on channel seven.\nDrummer: Go Eagles! [laughs]\nKevin: You do that on TV!\nRobert: You guys mind if they join us?\nAndy: Yeah, absolutely!\nKevin: Guys, I've got some instruments right here. [holds up tambourine and g��iro]\nDarryl: Hey, why don't you and me play those?\nKevin: Yeah? Okay, this is awesome.\nRobert: What should we play?\nKevin: Maybe we should warm up with some scales?\nRobert: Midnight Rambler?\nCurtis: Yeah.\nAndy: Midnight what?\nCurtis: [singing] Have you heard about the midnight rambler? [Lisa, the guitarist, enters] Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah!\nPam: Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single.\nJim: Oh, I stand corrected.\nPam: I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas?\nJim: Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets.\nPam: Mike Tibbets, really?\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nRyan: Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive?\nJim: Not his mom's car.\nRyan: Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z.\nJim: Touche?\nKelly: [sees photo of Mike Tibbets] Eww!\nPam: Kelly, calm down.\nKelly: I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs.\nPam: I don't think Jim cares about his hair.\nKelly: Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person.\nDwight: I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer.\nPam: Jim's on to me.\nDwight: Hmm?\nPam: Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it.\nDwight: Just ugly enough to have deniability.\nPam: Yep.\nJim: Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy.\nDwight: Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body.\nKelly: I'm gonna write something mean on his wall.\nPam: No, Kelly, don't.\nDwight: The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there.\nPam and Kelly: With the crotch?\nDwight: With the crotch.\nKevin: [music plays] Whoo!\nDwight: Psst. We're not here. [slips Toblerone candy to Creed]\nCreed: Who said that?\nDwight: Exactly.\nCreed: How'd I get this long triangle?\nDwight: Okay, just shut it.\nPam: Is he puffing out his chest?\nDwight: I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. [Jim says something and Cathy laughs] Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?\nPam: No. Maybe he just said something funny.\nDwight: Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that.\nPam: I think he's just making her laugh.\nDwight: Time for me to find out.\nPam: Why's he making her laugh so much?\nDwight: Just going to walk over here- [fake trips] whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! [grabs Jim's crotch]\nJim: Dwight!\nCathy: Are you okay?\nDwight: I'm fine, I'm totally fine.\nJim: Dwight! Dwight!\nDwight: Yes? [Jim pushes Dwight's hands away] Wha- Jim.\nJim: [to Cathy] Sorry about that.\nDwight: Aw, cramp, I'm just- [grabs Jim's crotch again]\nJim: Dwight! [pushes Dwight's hands away] Why?\nDwight: I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance.\nJim: Leave.\nDwight: [to Pam] Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.\nPam: Why was he making her laugh so much?\nPam: Oh, hey, I'll just be a second.\nCathy: Yeah, take your time.\nPam: Okay.\nCathy: [to Jim] Oh, that line from Zoolander?\nJim: Mm-hmm?\nCathy: It was from a deleted scene so we were both right.\nJim: [laughs] Told you.\nCathy: Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or-\nPam: Oscar, Cathy has a question!\nCathy: Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar.\nPam: [to Jim] Yeah?\nJim: You okay?\nPam: Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it.\nJim: Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?\nPam: Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now.\nDwight: She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate.\nPam: Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do.\nDwight: And she called it nuts?\nDarryl: Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going.\nKevin: Mm-hmm.\nAndy: Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?\nKevin: Are you serious? From Star Trek?\nDarryl: [to Val] Hey, you caught some of that?\nVal: I caught it.\nDarryl: What, you don't like the blues?\nVal: I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues.\nAndy: Well, we are playing. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us. [music starts]\nVal: I think the music left without you.\nDwight: Come on.\nJim: Stop shoving me.\nDwight: [mocking] Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.\nJim: [to Pam] Really?\nPam: This could all go away if you just tell me the truth.\nOld Man: Uh, are you all in line?\nDwight: Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? [to Jim] Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert?\nJim: Si.\nPam: Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?\nDwight: We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.\nOld Man: You have to share the machine with others.\nDwight: [mimicking] Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten.\nJim: Okay, Dwight, come on. [to old man] You can go first.\nOld Man: Thank you.\nDwight: Jim, are you serious?\nJim: Oh, you know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush.\nAndy: Maybe we could switch instruments.\nKevin: Yeah.\nAndy: Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised.\nDarryl: Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right?\nAndy: We had to leave because of creative differences.\nDarryl: Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing.\nKevin: Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now.\nDarryl: No man, we are.\nAndy: Well-\nDarryl: No, no, no.\nDwight: [to old man] Okay, you're done.\nOld Man: I have a new heart, you know.\nDwight: Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we?\nJim: No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time.\nDwight: Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?\nJim: No.\nDwight: Yep, he's lying.\nPam: Ah, see, was that so hard?\nJim: I am not lying.\nPam: Really?\nJim: Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test?\nDwight: I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really?\nPam: Wait, what?\nDwight: Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar.\nPam: Jim, you have high blood pressure.\nDwight: Oh, he is definitely attracted to her.\nPam: Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?\nJim: Yeah, but I don't smoke.\nPam: When was the last time you went to the doctor?\nJim: I don't know.\nDwight: It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-\nPam: Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you?\nJim: Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul.\nDwight: It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor.\nDwight: Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?\nPam: Just go home. It doesn't matter.\nDwight: But... hey, Cece's toothbrush.\nJim: Thank you.\nAndy and Darryl: Oh baby I love your way.\nDarryl: Every day.\nAndy and Darryl: Wanna be with you night and day.\nDarryl and Kevin: And day.\nAndy and Darryl: Oh baby I love your way.\nAndy: [scatting] Rudit-do-do-do-di-do."}
{"text": "Gabe: The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-\nKelly: Oh my God, kill me!\nAndy: Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay.\nGabe: Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so... Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-\nPam: [whispers to Jim] I'm gonna do it.\nGabe: And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-\nPam: Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness!\nJim: Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!\nPam: I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary.\nPam: [after Angela gives her a stack of files]: I'm going into labor!\nPhyllis: Or should I have corndogs. I mean-\nPam: I'm going into labor!\nRyan: Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-\nPam: I'm going into labor.\nPam: Here we go!\nAndy: Hey guys, uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it.\nKelly: Yeah.\nOscar: It's not fair, you guys.\nKelly: Pitiful.\nMeredith: It's stupid.\nAndy: Never cry wolf.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Okay.\nErin: Oh. [liquid splatters]\nPam: Oh! Oh!\nEveryone: Oh! Oh my goodness!\nJim: Oh my God!\nPam: I'm really in labor! This is happening!\nJim: Okay guys, here we go! We'll see you!\nPam: Oh!\nJim: How do you feel?\nErin: Drive carefully!\nOscar: Good luck!\nEveryone: Goodbye! Good luck! [empty bottle falls to the ground]\nPam: False alarm.\nAndy: [on the phone] What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients- it's like a war out there.\nAndy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.\nAndy: Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?\nErin: It's right here in PA.\nAndy: [gags, coughs] Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is-\nAngela: Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg.\nAndy: That sounds super inspiring! I'm in!\nDwight: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.\nOscar: Actually it is the northernmost.\nDwight: Ha!\nDwight: The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.\nAndy: Charge!\nPhyllis: Well, this could be fun. I-\nAndy: Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?\nRyan: What's the halal option?\nAndy: Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese.\nRyan: Out.\nAndy: You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there. I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But... who's coming with me?\nErin: I'm in.\nPhyllis: I'm in too.\nDwight: Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.\nAndy: Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.\nKevin: Yes!\nAndy: [passes out hats] One for you.\nErin: Cool. Thanks.\nAndy: And one for you.\nJim: Cool. Thanks. [puts his hat on Erin's head]\nAndy: And- oh. You missed your head. [laughs and puts hat on Jim's head] There you go. Phyllis, think fast!\nAndy: All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War.\nDarryl: You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV.\nPhyllis: Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?\nAndy: It's just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it. I'd be rooting for it.\nEveryone: Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!\nAndy: All right, all right, all right.\nKevin: Not food and stuff.\nPam: Here. Like it?\nKevin: Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you've got to get the fire pit.\nPam: I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies.\nKevin: The fire pit is a no-brainer.\nRobert: Oh, hi there.\nPam: Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.\nRobert: Where is everyone? Where is Andy?\nKelly: Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.\nRobert: Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office.\nRyan: Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon.\nRobert: So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don't be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! [wakes her up] Excited!\nKevin: [tries stapler/marker combo] Okay.\nAndy: You guys...\nDarryl: J-j-j-ju...\nAndy: Get excited!\nDarryl: Shh! Movie's almost over.\nAndy: All right! We're here. Limitless can wait.\nGabe: Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.'\nAndy: Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.\nDarryl: I got Source Code on the way back.\nEveryone: Ooh! All right!\nAndy: Woo!\nAndy: Whoa, where you going?\nJim: Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?\nAndy: Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists.\nJim: No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour.\nPhyllis: Yeah, sign says 'Begin tour here.'\nAndy: Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.\nAndy: After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.\nErin: [to Dwight] Yeah, but I'm confused...\nDwight: Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...\nErin: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.\nErin: Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.\nDwight: Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. [laughs] I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.\nOscar: Dwight, what are you telling this girl?\nDwight: The truth.\nOscar: Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.\nErin: Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.\nDwight: No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.\nErin: Interesting.\nDwight: Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.\nOscar: Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?\nDwight: Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-\nOscar: he's a historian.\nDwight: Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?\nOscar: Yes, yes, yes!\nDwight: Not by a long shot!\nErin: No!\nOscar: Yes!\nDwight: No, it was not!\nOscar: Argh!\nDwight: No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?\nOscar: What?\nDwight: Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!\nOscar: Erin-\nDwight: Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.\nErin: Get out of here!\nRobert: I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?\nRyan: May I go first?\nRobert: Absolutely.\nRyan: Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper.\nRobert: This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?\nRyan: Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-\nRobert: That was bad.\nStanley: If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.\nRobert: The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.\nStanley: In the African-American community-\nRobert: No.\nStanley: [murmurs] Thought it was worth a try.\nDarryl: That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?\nPark Ranger: Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-\nDwight: Excuse me, I got a question for you.\nPark Ranger: Sure.\nDwight: Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?\nPark Ranger: Uh, I haven't heard of that one.\nDwight: Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?\nOscar: I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.\nAndy: We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho!\nChelsea: [taps Gabe's shoulder] Are you Lincoln?\nGabe: No, no, I'm-\nGabe: Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it.\nChelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.\nGabe: Okay, Quick.\nMan: Hey! Lincoln's starting. [light applause]\nGabe: Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- [laughter] Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. [laughter]\nPam: Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.\nRobert: I am not.\nPam: Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.\nPam: At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.\nRobert: Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.\nKevin: Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...\nRobert: Cookies. Cookie placement.\nKevin: Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'\nRobert: Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? [everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs] There you go. Consensus.\nRyan: Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy.\nGabe: [as Lincoln] I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.\nAudience: No!\nKevin: Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... [scoffs] like, forget it.\nRobert: Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?\nStanley: how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.\nRobert: That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. [laughs]\nKevin: Thank you.\nJim: By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?\nAndy: Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought.\nJim: Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.\nAndy: Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.\nDarryl: Hunger for hamburger.\nErin: Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?\nDarryl: That's good.\nAndy: Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? [holds up flag] I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars.\nJim: Only two hundred dollars?\nAndy: We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left.\nDarryl: Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man.\nAndy: Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!\nAndy: Spangler Springs is a mile this way.\nJim: Oh wow. So that's two miles if you incorporate the walk back.\nAndy: Its' I mean come on.\nPhyllis: I don't think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus.\nAndy: Alright fine. You know what ' I guess this place just hasn't rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I'm still going. And I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm not even going to look back. I'm just going to assume that you're with me.\nDwight: [Andy looks back to find everyone sitting] You said you weren't going to look back.\nRobert: And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?\nKevin: I don't know.\nRobert: Right. I mean you're an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.\nKevin: Yes. I am an accountant.\nOscar: Dwight ' this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.\nDwight: Really?\nOscar: Yeah.\nDwight: Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.\nArchivist: Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.\nOscar: You've heard about it?\nDwight: YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.\nArchivist: There you go.\nNarrator: Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.\nSoldier: Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.\nDwight: Hallowed ground.\nNarrator: But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.\nAmanda: [on film] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers ' these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive' and well' fabulous.\nOscar: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.\nDwight: I've seen enough.\nOscar: You're right. There should be a monument to this.\nKevin: Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They'll just break your heart.\nRobert: [laughing] Kevin!\nRyan: Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.\nKevin: What?!? No!\nRobert: Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.\nRyan: It's really, really good Robert. Let me explain.\nKevin: No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.\nRobert: Well what is the idea?\nKevin: Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.\nRyan: You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. [patting Kevin on the back] That is 100 percent your idea.\nRobert: Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?\nAndy: [making pencil imprint] Dammit.\nDarryl: Hey.\nAndy: You guys came. Where's everyone else?\nDarryl: Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.\nAndy: Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.\nJim: Yeah sorry everyone else didn't come. I think they're just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.\nAndy: Even without an audience you're still at it.\nJim: What are you talking about?\nAndy: Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That's what you did with this trip.\nJim: Andy ' this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It's just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you're our regional manager. And guess what man? You don't have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don't believe me take a look at what's on my head. I'm wearing a very pink hat. I've been getting weird looks all day because I'm pretty sure 'DM does GB' means something kinda sexual. But guess who's wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That's huge.\nAndy: You don't like the hats?\nJim: They're terrible.\nDarryl: I hate myself.\nAndy: They just didn't turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird.\nAndy: [voiceover the three walking] The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that's good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it's really more like they're just people who work in an office and I'm their manager. Yeah that's really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.\nGabe: Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. [in Lincoln voice] Oh Mary this is wonderful' Ok Mary stop your scolding. I'll be quiet. [aside to the audience] I need her like I need a hole in the head! [scattered chuckles from the crowd] [Gabe raises his hand with a finger pointed in the shape of a gun to his head] BANG! Ooh [Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps, Gabe picks up the Lincoln hat, bows, runs to the crowd and trades it back for his pink 'DM does GB' hat and runs off]\nRobert: Haha! There he is. You mind lending a hand? I'm typing up a memo to share your ideas with the board.\nKevin: I can do that.\nRobert: Great...ok.\nKevin: Your arm feels good on my back.\nKevin: For some reason, my boss is obsessed with cookies. It's not my specialty. My specialty is pizza. But I'm flexible.\nAndy: Charge!\nKelly: Isn't Gettysburg like three hours away?\nErin: No. It's like two hours and forty-six minutes.\nAndy: It's kind of a haul, so we should probably get going. And tuna, I made a special sandwich for you, guess which kind.\nJim: Tuna?\nAndy: Yes! Tuna of the land. Turkey. With pesto.\nJim: And to drink?\nAndy: Water.\nJim: Oh-ho, I am in.\nJim: I'm excited, I've actually never been to Gettysburg. Uh, my family was gonna go once, but then my brothers convinced me if was full of dead soldier zombies, so I freaked out and we turned the car around. But I'm older now, I can outrun a zombie.\nAndy: Getting everyone on the bus, check. Giving everyone hats, check. Sexiest eastern European girls, uh, check.\nDarryl: Hey, Devil's Den is that way, we should check it out. That's where the snipers hid.\nAndy: Please! Everyone and their mother goes to Devil's Den. It's the Olive Garden of Gettysburg.\nPhyllis: Oh, I like Olive Garden.\nAndy: Well, I meant that in a bad way. Obviously it tastes good, but it's not cool.\nJim: Where do all the cool kids go when they come to this consecrated ground?\nAndy: That is what I'm showing you.\nDwight: I know what you guys are all thinking right now: Hey, let's go pee on the grave of some confederate soldiers, but you know what? Joke's on you. It only makes the flowers grow back more beautifully.\nDwight: Best thing you can do for the deceased is to pee on their graves. Then you dance and work the urine into the root systems. Doesn't hurt to have a smile on your face, either.\nOscar: Guys! Over here, we found the bus.\nPhyllis: Open the door, Jim.\nJim: It's locked.\nPhyllis: Are you sure? Yeah, it's locked.\nDwight: It's not locked, gimme that...\nJim: That's weird, if it's not locked, why isn't it opening?\nDwight: It's, it's latched closed.\nJim: Ok, you know what? Andy probably has the number for this guy. I'm gonna find him.\nDarryl: I'll come with you.\nPhyllis: Ow! Ee! I sat on my sandwich.\nOscar: And that's how the printing press was invented.\nAndy: [enters office doing Michael Jackson impression] Everybody beat it. Don't beat it, stay where you are.\nErin: There you are. Dillinger Graphics said their shipment is late.\nAndy: What did you say?\nErin: Nothing, I just-\nAndy: What would you say?\nErin: That it'll be the first shipment out today.\nAndy: That is exactly the right thing to say! Do it! Git-er-done! Phyllis, you just married Joe Order, you're new name is Phyllis Order [fill this order], get it?\nPhyllis: I don't get it.\nAndy: Jim, in regards to our high-five scheduled for four PM today, it has been moved up to now. Yes.\nJim: We didn't have one scheduled."}
{"text": "Dwight: [knocks water bottle on to Jim's desk] Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.\nDwight: Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.\nDwight: Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you're in a suicide cult.\nCreed: No. No. No. You're way off on that one.\nDwight: Oh yeah?\nOscar: Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.\nJim: Hey guys let's just all admit it. Ok? Dwight's better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he's never, ever going to go back on it right?\nDwight: That's right Jim.\nDarryl: Hey man.\nDwight: [jumping up from an almost sitting position] Hey.\nDarryl: Taking a load off huh?\nDwight: No. Putting a load on more like it.\nDarryl: Good luck with that.\nDwight: Last thing I need is luck. [hunches down again]\nDwight: [to Angela] Thank you so much. [hums]\nJim: [sees a pole poking out Dwight's pant leg] What are you up to? Oops look out! [grabs Dwight's wallet]\nDwight: What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!\nJim: Prank! [throws money from Dwight's wallet on the floor]\nDwight: Oh that's real creative.\nJim: You know what it's not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?\nDwight: I could, but I just don't feel like it loser.\nJim: Because you're sitting?\nDwight: Standing.\nJim: Ok.\nDwight: Don't!\nJim: Because you're sitting?\nDwight: Standing.\nJim: You know I have to do this.\nDwight: I know. [Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams]\nAndy: [signing his name] Andrew' Baines' Bernard.\nJim: I think you could just do Andy Bernard.\nAndy: Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it's like taking a test, but I know the answers.\nRobert: [loudly knocking on the window] In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. [to Mrs. California] There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?\nAndy: What was that?\nJim: I don't know. He wasn't talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn't hire his wife.\nRyan: That's why my foundation ' The Dream for a Wish Foundation ' is going to put them out of business. They're not going to know what hit them.\nRobert: Everyone. I'd like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.\nSusan: Hello. Oh call me Susan please.\nRobert: Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she's here today to see if there's a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.\nSusan: Hello nice to meet you.\nAndy: Hey there. It's a pleasure.\nRobert: Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she'll shine.\nAndy: I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We're 100 percent staffed up.\nRobert: Andy. Let's see if there's a good fit first. Then we'll talk.\nAndy: Alright.\nDwight: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.\nDarryl: You don't have to say it if you're doing it.\nDwight: [laughs] Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?\nDarryl: Uh weight lifting yeah.\nDwight: Well today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?\nDarryl: I'll take a look.\nDwight: Your path from obesity begins right here!\nDarryl: I've been meaning to join a gym. [narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val] For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents.\nDwight: Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.\nAndy: Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.\nSusan: Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.\nRyan: Actually Ryan.\nSusan: Oh, Ryan.\nRyan: Bitttch!\nAndy: We will start here at Erinville.\nSusan: Hi.\nErin: Hoo-hoo!\nAndy: Reception. Your classic one-man operation.\nErin: Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.\nAndy: I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.\nRobert: Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn't you agree Andy?\nAndy: I'll explore exploring it.\nRobert: Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I'll just duck out and run the company for a while.\nAndy: Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. [Jim laughs nervously] Alright have at it. Let 'er rip. What do you hate about this place?\nJim: Well it's sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.\nDwight: Maybe you do. Hi. I'm Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It's paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.\nAndy: Jim?\nJim: Well it's not that easy. It's kind of sometimes difficult.\nDwight: It's the second easiest job in the world. [to camera] Being a mom.\nSusan: I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.\nDwight: That is true.\nAndy: You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.\nDwight: That's me.\nAndy: Dwight why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.\nDwight: Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale [makes gun click noise].\nSusan: Well make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings [makes gun click noise back].\nAndy: Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? [montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan]. The entire office is being nice to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room clearing farts right now.\nDwight: Ready? What do you think?\nDarryl: Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.\nDwight: You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke [squats, grunts and lifts] Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station [tries and fails to tear a phone book in half]. You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month'\nDarryl: Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.\nDwight: Darryl... [picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire]\nDarryl: Make a real gym.\nSusan: I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.\nAndy: But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.\nSusan: Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.\nAndy: Those are fully staffed as well.\nRobert: Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?\nAndy: [laughing nervously] Yes.\nRobert: I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.\nAndy: Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-\nSusan: Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there's no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don't we just let it go.\nRobert: No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.\nAndy: There are lots of considerations.\nRobert: I would be eternally grateful. It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.\nAndy: Alright. Well then welcome aboard.\nSusan: So what happens next?\nAndy: We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. [phone rings] Hang on. Hello?\nRobert: [on phone] Say hello grandma.\nAndy: Hi gam-gam.\nRobert: Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, 'are you taking your medicine?'\nAndy: Are you taking your med-meds?\nRobert: Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. [Robert and Andy hang up phones]\nSusan: You didn't say goodbye to your grandma.\nAndy: We promised we'd never say goodbye.\nDwight: Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.\nOscar: All I need is another gym. As if I don't have enough drama.\nPhyllis: We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom.\nOscar: Who's spotting who? Don't use the bike in the corner. That's Bruce's. Jeremy says'\nAngela: Enough Oscar, enough.\nDwight: Kelly?\nKelly: I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.\nDwight: That's okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.\nToby: Did you bring your passport with you?\nSusan: Who walks around with their passport?\nToby: Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.\nSusan: Have you had any?\nToby: No.\nAndy: [sees Susan is busy in the annex] Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.\nOscar: Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her?\nAndy/Oscar: it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.\nKevin: How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.\nAngela: This is all pathetic.\nAndy: I am not asking, I am ordering.\nOscar: How mean are we talking about?\nAndy: It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.\nErin: Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.\nErin: Here you go. [gives Susan a tiny stapler]\nSusan: Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer.\nErin: Well that's a sales desk.\nKevin: Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.\nJim: No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.\nOscar: That's Gerald. [hands phone to Jim]\nJim: Oh, wow. So cute.\nSusan: Oh, that is so cute-\nPhyllis: [grabs phone] Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle?\nOscar: Yeah, he's in a ladle.\nErin: That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?\nOscar: He did it himself.\nPhyllis: Is that ladle stainless or...\nOscar: Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma.\nSusan: Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup. [Jim chuckles]\nOscar: It's not that kind of ladle.\nJim: Very cute. [holds out the phone]\nSusan: Aw, let me see-\nOscar: [grabs phone] Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this.\nSusan: I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert.\nSusan: Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.\nRobert: Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this.\nAndy: [in robot voice] What is going on?\nRobert: [chuckles] Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.\nAndy: Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you?\nSusan: Do you not want me here?\nAndy: Why would you say that?\nSusan: It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either.\nAndy: It's not that, exactly.\nSusan: But it is something.\nAndy: Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.\nSusan: Why would you not want me working here?\nAndy: I don't know. [chuckles]\nSusan: I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?\nAndy: Yes! The dude is an enigma.\nSusan: Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?\nAndy: Ah... [stammers]\nSusan: Got it.\nDwight: What do you think you're doing?\nDarryl: Getting my sweat on.\nDwight: I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?\nDarryl: I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.\nDwight: I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?\nDarryl: No.\nDwight: Eight minutes!\nDarryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow.\nDwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? [points] I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!\nDarryl: It's Lejon Brames.\nDwight: That's what I said.\nDarryl: You know, get it right.\nDwight: I know.\nAndy: [to Susan] Cameras...\nRobert: [enters] Oh, still here. Terrific.\nSusan: Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.\nRobert: Well that's a shame.\nAndy: It just was one of those things-\nSusan: Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine.\nRobert: Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?\nSusan: No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him.\nRobert: What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person.\nSusan: You sure about that?\nRobert: Absolutely.\nSusan: No games?\nRobert: No games.\nSusan: Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.\nRobert: Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.\nSusan: Andy?\nAndy: Yes?\nSusan: Why do you keep looking at my husband?\nRobert: Andy, just answer the question.\nAndy: No games?\nRobert: No games.\nAndy: Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, 'in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.' [laughs]\nRobert: You lying son of a bitch!\nRobert: Tell my wife you're lying.\nAndy: I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.\nSusan: That's not true, is it?\nAndy: No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there.\nRobert: This is preposterous.\nSusan: Robert...\nRobert: Let's get Jim in here. [Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim] Where's Jim?\nErin: He just rolled out and crawled out.\nRobert: Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this.\nJim: [to Hank who is closing the gate] Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay. [runs]\nRobert: [sees Jim's abandoned car] That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere.\nJim: [shoe falls while climbing ladder] Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. [grunts] Creed. I was never here, all right?\nCreed: Okay. What about your friend?\nJim: Oh boy.\nDwight: This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.\nDarryl: Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.\nDwight: First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.\nDarryl: Okay, I'm not doing that.\nDwight: Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!\nGabe: I didn't know Darryl joined.\nDarryl: Looks that way.\nGabe: Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.\nRobert: Hello Jim. [Jim tries to escape]\nAndy: [grabs Jim's leg] No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna!\nRobert: So I think you know what we want to know.\nJim: Do I?\nRobert: Yes.\nJim: [mutters] I know, I do.\nAndy: Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness.\nJim: I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can...\nSusan: For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here?\nJim: That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse.\nAndy: [laughs] I think we've got ourselves an answer.\nRobert: No.\nAndy: That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.\nJim: Perfect!\nSusan: Jim...\nJim: Yes?\nSusan: Answer the question, please.\nJim: [sighs] I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.\nRobert: All right. Thanks.\nJim: Yes. All right. Great. [leaves]\nAndy: Uh...\nRobert: Yeah.\nAndy: Yep.\nSusan: [Robert holds the door, she walks through] Thank you. [leaves]\nRobert: [claps Andy's shoulder] Heh.\nSusan: Andy.\nAndy: Hey, Mrs. California.\nSusan: Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.\nAndy: You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.\nSusan: Yeah, I thought we really hit it off.\nAndy: Yeah.\nSusan: Well, different circumstances.\nAndy: Yeah.\nSusan: Who knows?\nAndy: Who knows?\nSusan: Maybe after all this settles down...\nAndy: Totally.\nSusan: It's a date.\nAndy: Hmm?\nDwight: You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?\nDarryl: This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.\nDwight: Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!\nDarryl: Dwight, come back and spot me.\nDwight: All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?\nDarryl: To push this bar up.\nDwight: No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?\nDarryl: Help me!\nDwight: What do you want!?!\nDarryl: To look good for Val!\nDwight: Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.\nGabe: They say that if you can strengthen your core, it improves your sexual performance. So, you will find me on the Ab-Blaster. And then you will find me blasting...uh, a very nice young woman.\nMeredith: Gotta get in shape. I'm doing Ironman next month. And I want him to be attracted to me.\nDwight: Hey, what are you listening to?\nGabe: Steve Martin. [laughs, then falls] uh, I'm fine. [grunts]\nErin: Um, where's the shower?\nDwight: There is no shower.\nKathy: There isn't?\nDwight: What does this look like, a shower store? Get lost.\nOscar: You have got to be kidding me! No shower?!\nDwight: Exercise lengthens life. Improves mood, boosts sex drive, and I've already covered the BM of it all. It's miraculous the effect that I will have on their lives.\nAndy: So, Roberto Californio doesn't want to work with his wife. I get it. And, he wants to give his wife a job. Totally get it. What I am struggling with is the part of this that's impossible.\nRobert: I love my wife.\nJim: This whole thing is making me very uncomfortable. I'm not getting between the boss and his wife so just ask me about something else. You know Stanley's tie is really the story of the day...\nStanley: It's my birthday.\nJim: Ok, so that's a disaster. Luckily have a two-part plan. One, run. Two, hide. It's pretty smart, right? [walks into Vance Refrigeration office] Hi, how you doing? I'm Jim Halpert from across the hall. We are redoing our supply closet and I was wondering if I could take a look at yours for some ideas.\nBob's Secretary: Let me just check with Bob.\nJim: You absolutely should. He said it was ok, so till you get him, I'll just be in, you know. [closes door behind him to supply closet]\nBob's Secretary: [on phone] Bob? Jim just went into the closet.\nAndy: Ugh! He's always one step ahead of us! How does he do that?\nMrs. California: This is insulting!\nRobert: This whole accusation is insulting. Come on."}
{"text": "Andy: [Singing as if he were the dolls in his office] Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! [Normal voice] Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true.\nAndy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?\nStanley: Holiday wishes.\nAndy: What's that, Stanley?\nStanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.\nAndy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.\nStanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.\nJim: I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea.\nStanley: I don't want no Kwanza wreath, I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's it's own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!\nMeredith: What is the status on my wish?\nAndy: Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required.\nDwight: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?\nAndy: That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.\nDwight: Where? Dark side or light side?\nAndy: Light side.\nDwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?\nAndy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent...beachfront.\nDwight: Thank you, Andy.\nAndy: So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica...C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.\nJim: She's not your grandmother, is she?\nAndy: Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?\nJim: Yeah.\nAndy: Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.\nCreed: That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?\nAndy: Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam.\nErin: I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home.\nKelly: I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be.\nErin: Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly.\nKelly: It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.\nErin: That's OK, I don't want you to do that.\nRobert: [laughing] Hello, ah. Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati.\nKelly: Eww, what is that?\nRobert: The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts.\nKelly: Cool.\nKevin: Hey, man.\nRobert: Hey! [Kevin embraces Robert in a tight hug] Oh!\nKevin: How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you?\nOscar: Kevin?\nRobert: I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.\nKevin: Yeah.\nRobert: It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.\nAndy: Well you came to the right place...Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up.\nRobert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop...ah, heartbreaking. [gestures to Andy in Santa costume]\nAndy: Oh, thank you.\nAndy: Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. [puts on baseball cap that has a foam rear-end on it with the words 'HARD ASS'] But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.\nDwight: Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.\nJim: It wasn't me.\nAndy: It wasn't either of you.\nJim: Kathy wants to leave our clump?\nAndy: Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.\nDwight: I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. [punches Jim in the arm]\nJim: Ow, What are you doing? [Jim fights back]\nAndy: Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!\nJim: Pam never seemed to have a problem with us.\nAndy: Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand...Mo-nay.\nJim: What was that?\nDwight: What is it?\nAndy: Money...You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person.\nJim: Can't do that.\nDwight: No, absolutely not.\nAndy: You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells.\nJessica: Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy?\nErin: Jessica. Yes. We don't say hi, we hug. [gets up and hugs Jessica] I'm Erin.\nJessica: Oh! [laughs] Oof!\nErin: Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here.\nJessica: Oh.\nAndy: My ex is meeting my sex...which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it.\nAndy: Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my penis. [laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek] Hi.\nJessica: Hi.\nAndy: Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.\nErin: Wow.\nAndy: Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.\nJessica: Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office.\nErin: Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.\nAndy: What?\nJessica: Oh.\nErin: Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did. [Jessica laughs, Erin exaggerates back curve]\nAndy: Oh no.\nJessica: Ah..[laughs]\nAndy: Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis.\nJessica: Spontaneous scoliosis. [both laugh]\nErin: Oh.\nDarryl: This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution.\nVal: Thank you.\nDarryl: Alright.\nVal: Alright.\nDarryl: Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about.\nVal: Isn't that just for popsicles?\nDarryl: Popsicles?\nVal: Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt?\nNate: Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. [laughs] I, in my, I...\nDarryl: Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid.\nNate: You had me at 'clookies.' I can't wait to find out what they are.\nVal: What should I wear?\nDarryl: Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up.\nNate: I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.\nJim: Ah...[sees Dwight's wallet and open email] I'm gonna s- [see's Dwight watching from break room]\nJim: Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing...I get really pranky when I drink.\nRobert: Erin, what can I get for you?\nErin: Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it.\nRobert: Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots!\nRyan: Yes!\nOscar: Yes!\nRyan: Will do.\nRobert: The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too.\nPhyllis: One, two three! [group takes shots]\nKevin: Yes.\nErin: OK. [takes shot, group laughs]\nRobert: Mmm. Wow.\nErin: Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!\nRobert: Jiminey Christmas indeed.\nErin: Hit 'er up.\nRobert: Oh.\nKevin: Oh yes.\nRyan: Whoo!\nErin: Yeah! [laughs]\nOscar: Wow.\nJim: [on phone] Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye.\nJim: So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife...from me.\nDwight: [laughing] Boom!\nRyan: But look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...[Val walks in dressed very formally] whoa, hello. Um, you're allowed to do...\nKevin: Good cookie.\nDarryl: I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster.\nVal: OK.\nDarryl: I thought you'd wear a sweater.\nVal: Since when does a sweater mean 'dressed up'? Am I your grandson?\nDarryl: Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you.\nVal: As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe.\nErin: [imitating Stanley] I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. [group laughs] and then I want my nap!\nStanley: That's right. [laughs]\nErin: Whoo! [group laughs] Thank you.\nRobert: She, she is remarkable.\nAndy: Edgy impressions.\nErin: Thank you.\nAndy: How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.\nErin: A thousand.\nAndy: Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.\nErin: [serious] Maybe you should mind your own business. [normal voice] Just kidding!\nDwight: Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!\nToby: Oh my god.\nDwight: Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!\nJim: I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?\nDwight: Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?\nJim: Hmm...\nToby: You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.\nToby: Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.\nAngela: Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.\nToby: No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife.\nDwight: Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.\nJim: Nice try, this is ridiculous.\nDwight: Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.\nJim: Three times.\nDwight: You see?\nAndy: Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.\nJim: Andy, you've gotta be kidding me.\nToby: Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand...\nKelly: Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?\nJim: OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control...\nDwight: Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute.\nAngela: No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs.\nJim: [on phone] Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up.\nDwight: Come down right away!\nJim: [on phone]Uh, I don't know, let me ask. [to Dwight] Uh, were you quilled?\nDwight: Yes, I was quilled.\nJim: And what's it's name?\nDwight: Henrietta.\nJim: Oops. [hangs up]\nAndy: What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight.\nErin: Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I'm so happy you guys are together. OK? [Andy and Jessica laugh] And you both have such beautiful hair.\nJessica: [laughs] Thank you.\nErin: I hope you guys get married...and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone.\nAndy: OK!\nErin: And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. [blows kisses and pushes Andy and Jessica's faces together.] Ah! [laughs] OK, well I'm gonna go do another reverse spit. That's how the cool kids say 'get a drink'. [blows kisses and dances away]\nJessica: That's uh, that's the girl you dated.\nAndy: Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um...\nJessica: No, she, she seems fine.\nAndy: Yeah, uh, excuse me.\nJessica: OK.\nAndy: Yep. [leaves Jessica to talk to Erin] Hey!\nErin: Hey.\nAndy: Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?\nErin: Every martini has an olive.\nAndy: OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.\nKevin: I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.\nErin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.\nAndy: Ah, OK.\nErin: It's about you.\nAndy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.\nErin: [slurring slightly] It's that I wish Jessica was dead.\nAndy: You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.\nErin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth.\nAndy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.\nErin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar? [Andy leaves]\nKevin: Hey.\nErin: Hey.\nKevin: So, there was talk of oatmeal.\nPhyllis: You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess.\nVal: Yeah. Thanks.\nAndy: I swear...\nJessica: Did you not...\nAndy: I was too embarrassed! [group laughs]\nJim: Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. [shows picture of Cici with devil doodles] Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that?\nPhyllis: Is that Cici?\nJim: Yes. It is.\nAndy: Um.\nPhyllis: That's awful.\nAndy: Cici is Jim's daughter.\nJessica: Oh my god. How could somebody do that?\nJim: I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, any one, pick one. Not my kid though.\nOscar: Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this?\nJim: I don't-\nAndy: I know who did this...Dwight.\nPhyllis: Dwight?\nJim: Yeah.\nAndy: Dwight.\nOscar: No!\nPhyllis: He should pay.\nAndy: Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.\nJim: O...K.\nAndy: It's, I mean.\nJim: Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it's a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like...\nOscar: That's no accident.\nJim: Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident.\nPhyllis: What?\nOscar: What?\nJim: I'll figure it out, get to the bottom of it...Merry merry.\nDwight: Enough of this garbage. [harshly places boom box on table and hits play] This is Christmas. [Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays. Dwight plays air violin/guitar and sings along] Hi-yah!!!!! [gabe, Creed and Nate join in as shots show various gift giving] Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!!\nJim: You alright, Santa?\nAndy: You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?\nJim: Yes.\nAndy: Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?\nJim: Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.\nAndy: No...I don't, hmm, I don't know.\nJim: OK.\nAndy: By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work.\nJim: Alright. I will definitely do that.\nAndy: Alright, I'll tell Dwight.\nJim: You know what? You're sitting, and thinking, and it's probably better if it comes from me anyway.\nAndy: Christmas miracles do happen.\nJim: Yes. They totally do.\nRyan: You can't click on these Kardashian links, that's why you have so many viruses.\nKelly: Well help me, OK? Just, uh take...\nRyan: I'm trying but you need to-\nErin: Hey.\nKelly: Yo.\nErin: Game on.\nKelly: On it.\nJessica: [group laughing] I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful...\nKelly: Jessica, did you just fart? [group stops laughing]\nKelly: And that, is how it's done.\nErin: I would like another alcohol.\nRobert: Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar.\nOscar: What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler..does anyone have any chocolate shavings?\nRobert: Your heart is broken. So is mine.\nErin: And...\nRobert: And what?\nErin: And you have any advice or anything?\nRobert: No [laughs] my god.\nErin: ...Help me feel better...\nRobert: I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice...I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better.\nNate: When you do your makeup,\nJessica: Uh huh.\nNate: How long you, does it take usually? Cause...\nJessica: Um, it ta-, um it depends.\nToby: '..Chad Flendermen's kryptonite. [Darryl walks up to Toby and Val in a tuxedo]\nCreed: Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here.\nDarryl: Hi.\nJessica: I'll see you at home?\nAndy: OK great.\nJessica: OK\nAndy: Perfect.\nJessica: Bye [kiss]...I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab and pay for it.\nAndy: I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish.\nJessica: Oh\nMeredith: Either he drives or I drive. Now I'm drunk and mad.\nJessica: OK [laughs] Bye.\nAndy: OK, bye. [helps Meredith off the floor] Alright Meredith,\nMeredith: Thank you Santa.\nAndy: You bet.\nAndy: Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. [laughs] and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer,\nAndy: Let's go, let's go.\nMeredith: I know, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.\nAndy: Hang on.\nMeredith: Alright. [Andy opens back of her van, things fall out]\nAndy: What?\nMeredith: Whoa! My stuff!\nAndy: What is all that?\nMeredith: It's my valuables!\nAndy: It's junk!\nMeredith: This is my treasures, no they're my treasures!\nAndy: You're a hoarder. My god!\nMeredith: No I'm not, I'm gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful.\nAndy: Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.\nDwight: [laughs while spray painting 'Jim is Awesome' on his own car, talks to porcupine in carrier] What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh?\nMeredith: Where are we? This ain't my street.\nAndy: Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh.\nMeredith: Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh?\nAndy: Oh my god.\nMeredith: Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?\nAndy: Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.\nRobert: Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning.\nErin: Thank you, goodnight.\nMeredith: What are you smiling for? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?\nAndy: I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home.\nMeredith: Ow! Take it easy.\nAndy: Whoo.\nDwight: [yawns, 'Idiot' is written on his forehead] Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?\nOscar: Dwight.\nDwight: Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?\nJim: Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something...C'mon, Jim. [shakes head] I got nothin'.\nRobert: Where can I get a drink? Oh...\nAndy: Oh, uh. Well, we thought we wouldn't put the alcohol out till 11AM. It's just...common...decency.\nRobert: Par for the course. Par for the...freaking course. I'll be in the party room having a cookie until 11. Haha! Yule-log.\nRobert: Not destroyed. No... Not destructive. Quite...off-kilter, sure. But... that's too vague. [long pause] Erratic. Darkly erratic. [laughs awkwardly] That's my mood.\nMeredith: Cake?...You seem a little down.\nRobert: I am. [laughs] I'm a mess.\nMeredith: How about I fix you some warm milk with some bourbon?\nRobert: Oh, that sounds nice.\nMeredith: Maybe watch a movie...under a blanket...\nRobert: Lovely. Wait, where is this taking place?\nMeredith: The Murphy bed of my basement.\nRobert: What...is happening to me? [pause] The lines in your haggard face are paths that lead nowhere. Your hair is the fire of hell. [hugs Meredith] I sincerely hope you find a sexual partner tonight.\nAndy: It's come to my attention that someone, who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.\nJim: Cathy wants to leave our clump?\nAndy: Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.\nDwight: Hey. Enjoy your new clump.\nKathy: Thanks.\nDwight: It's so much closer to the bathroom, right?\nKathy: Yeah.\nDwight: Uh huh.\nJim: Sorry it didn't work out. Hope you find what you're looking for.\nKathy: No, I just have more room.\nJim: That's ok.\nDwight: You'll be fine over there.\nErin: [talking loudly] Sorry guys, Jim! This package came for you, do you want me to put it on your desk?\nJim: That'd be great, thank you. [Erin throws package, it hits Kathy. She thinks it was Jim who threw it]\nDwight: So, I got this bucket from Jim's garage and I filled it with everything disgusting. Except excrement. I can't wait to see the look on his face when that falls on my face. [laughs, then camera shows bucket being dumped on Kathy] Dammit Kathy!\nAndy: For the past month, I have been collecting wishes from everyone in the office, and I intend to make good on every single one of them.\nAndy: Oh, I see.\nAndy: Now look, I may not have a great laugh like Santa, or a flying sled. But tell you what I do have. A Prius, a heart of freaking gold...\nKevin: This.\nAndy: Alright, you got it.\nAndy: ...and an American Express green card.\nAndy: Ryan, for your holiday wish, you wanted ten sick days.\nRyan: I'd be satisfied with eight.\nAndy: Well I'll do you one better.\nRyan: Nine?\nAndy: I got you health insurance.\nRyan: Oh, neat.\nAndy: Yeah! Right? But with great perks come great responsibility, so I'm gonna be expecting a lot more from you...no more zoning out in your office.\nRyan: Oh, great.\nAndy: Yes!"}
{"text": "Kevin: Oh yeah!\nAll: Aw!\nDwight: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.\nOscar: You really have to say 'oh yeah' every time you eat a candy bar?\nKevin: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. [takes another bite] Oh yeah!\nJim: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.\nAndy: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!\nDwight: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane.\nJim: Okay, done.\nErin: [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit?\nDarryl: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... [overlapping chatter]\nJim: All right, here we go! Everybody get read in three, two, good luck, one-\nAndy: [writing on board] Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper?\nJim: You can write a book about chairs.\nAndy: Books! Excellent, Jim.\nOscar: Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper-\nAndy: [gasps] Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? [scattered applause]\nJim: Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is.\nAndy: I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!\nAngela: Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?\nAndy: Yes!\nAndy: Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage.\nDwight: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.\nDwight: Dwight Schrute for Robert California!\nReceptionist: Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all?\nDwight: I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine.\nReceptionist: Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat.\nGabe: Dwight? What are you doing here?\nDwight: Gabe? You don't know?\nGabe: Course I know.\nDwight: Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office.\nGabe: Corporate says to me, 'Gabe, we need you in Scranton.' Scranton says, 'Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there.' So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying.\nRobert: Dwight.\nDwight: Robert.\nRobert: You made it.\nDwight: Yes.\nRobert: Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. [Gabe laughs] Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly.\nDwight: Very good.\nAndy: Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to 'play ball.' Those were his words.\nOscar: Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error!\nAndy: So make that error!\nOscar: Andy, no-\nKevin: Hey! I can make that error.\nOscar: [clicks tongue] Aw...\nAndy: Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that.\nKevin: No, I-\nAndy: It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. [to Oscar] What do you say?\nOscar: I'm leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia.\nAndy: Oh.\nOscar: Any other crunch time, I would love to stay in, cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO, but tonight is Triviocalypse!\nAndy: What?\nOscar: It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my friends, they're committed to me.\nAndy: You know what? Go. Have fun.\nAndy: There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.\nJim: Stop right there. I love it.\nDarryl: I'm in.\nAndy: I didn't even say what it is.\nDarryl: It's trivia.\nJim: In Philadelphia.\nAndy: But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase...\nJim: That's a great idea.\nDarryl: That's a great plan.\nAndy: Yeah? You like it?\nJim: Yeah.\nAndy: All right.\nJim: All right, good stuff.\nAndy: I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, 'this sounds really stupid.'\nDarryl: You just made a good idea, a great idea.\nAndy: There is one problem with this plan.\nDarryl: What?\nAndy: We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this.\nGabe: [on the phone] You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. [hangs up]\nDwight: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.\nGabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?\nDwight: Meat grinder.\nGabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.\nDwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.\nRobert: Dwight. Today is not my day at all, I'm afraid. I'm not going to be able to meet with you, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO.\nDwight: But I can give you this pitch in one minute-\nRobert: No, he's going to meet with you later. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay? Trust me. Meet with Bill. He's a great person to know. I'll dialogue with him tonight. [leaves]\nGabe: CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes.\nDwight: Still an important position. Still a chief.\nGabe: You're really going to like Bill. He, uh, he has me toilet a lot of people for him. [Dwight sighs, Gabe's phone rings] Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking.\nRobert: Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard.\nGabe: Your wish is my command.\nRobert: It's a command.\nOscar: I don't believe this. What are you doing here, Andy?\nAndy: You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you.\nOscar: What? No!\nAndy: I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it.\nOscar: And you guys thought this was a good idea?\nJim: I thought it was a fun idea.\nDarryl: There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always going to- this is a gay bar.\nAndy: Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay?\nOscar: Yes! It's a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now?\nAll: No. Nah.\nOscar: What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? [laughs]\nAndy: It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. [Oscar's friend walks up] Not anything.\nOscar: Good luck.\nAndy: Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves.\nMeredith: Good-timers follow me.\nPhyllis: Backups. [Jim goes to join the backups]\nStanley: Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here.\nAndy: A-team.\nJim: Okay.\nAndy: All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... [looks at Kevin, who has joined the A-team]\nKevin: Okay. [leaves]\nJim: There's a table over here.\nHost: All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital?\nAndy: Oh, we got this!\nCreed: Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?\nStanley: Atlanta.\nPhyllis: Oh I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held.\nCathy: My cousins were actually at those Olympics.\nStanley: Keep talking all you want.\nKevin: How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about?\nErin: Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness.\nHost: Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. 'Atlanta, Georgia' is the correct answer. [Kevin holds up 'What is...SEE-attle']\nGabe: Hey man, uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire, so your appointment got-\nDwight: [sniffs] There's no fires within eight miles of here.\nGabe: Well, it's nine miles away. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf.\nDwight: What? No, no. Excuse me! Lady! Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant!\nReceptionist: This must be very frustrating.\nGabe: I can see you in the jungle now.\nHost: Okay, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you?\nAndy: Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine.\nJim: Shawn Marion.\nDarryl: Yes, Shawn Marion.\nRyan: That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington.\nJim: Wrong, for so many reasons.\nPhyllis: Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?\nStanley: That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river.\nKevin: Ron Artest, Kelly.\nKelly: No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar.\nHost: All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. 'Lamar Odom' is what we were looking for. 'Lamar Odom' Thank you. [scattered cheers]\nJim: Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes.\nKevin: Nicely done!\nAndy: You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen.\nDarryl: Chill, man. This plan is airtight.\nDwight: So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it!\nReceptionist: Well, you got my vote.\nDwight: Oh my God.\nGabe: I know.\nDwight: Most of all, I believe that character is destiny. And my character is one that- wait why are you smiling?\nGabe: What?\nDwight: What's with the smile?\nGabe: You're doing great. You know, so good.\nDwight: And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon, behind us.\nGabe: Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand. Flush! [Gabe makes a flushing motion, Dwight twists Gabe's arm] Ow!\nDwight: Take me to Robert.\nGabe: Ow! He went home.\nDwight: Take me to his house.\nGabe: Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing.\nDwight: You know where it is. Lead me there.\nGabe: Ow! Ow! Stephanie, help!\nDwight: Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.\nHost: Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder-Mifflin A-team? Excuse me, sir?\nRyan: Yeah?\nHost: I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... [laughter] but you can't check smart phones during trivia, it's against the rules.\nRyan: Okay, I'm turning it off.\nHost: Okay, you're not turning it off.\nRyan: I won't look at it.\nHost: Sir?\nRyan: I can't- I can't not touch it.\nHost: Okay, then we're going to have to take it away. [employee takes the phone] Thank you.\nRyan: Look, I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone. [leaves]\nHost: All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. [Oscar's team touches fingers] The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. [a team of hairy men growl] Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points.\nJim: [claps] All right.\nHost: D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. [the 'just-for-fun' Dunder-Mifflin team cheers] Ladies Gaga have five points. [more cheering]\nAndy: So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no.\nDwight: Which one is it?\nGabe: I don't know. All I know is the building.\nDwight: Robert! Robert California! Robert!\nRobert: Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102.\nHost: All right guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait. Except for the Einsteins. That's all right. Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round. So let's get everyone some bells. In third place we have the Einsteins.\nKevin: Oh yeah!\nKelly: What! [cheers]\nHost: In second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears.\nQueerenstein Bears: Whoo! Let's go!\nHost: And, in first place, is Aesop's Foibles.\nOscar's friend: Whoo!\nDarryl: Yeah, we're going to get clobbered.\nHost: Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- [Erin rings bell] Einsteins?\nMeredith: What?\nErin: What is it?\nMeredith: What?\nErin: I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl. [Oscar rings bell]\nHost: Aesop's?\nOscar: Salman Rushdie.\nHost: Salman Rushdie is correct. [applause] Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? [Erin rings bell]\nMeredith: Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless-\nErin: Flying jib.\nHost: Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause]\nRobert: Shalom. [sighs] Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. [grunt] I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. [slaps the mat, they wrestle]\nStu: Grab my knee!\nGabe: Yay Robert!\nRobert: Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.\nHost: According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents.\nOscar's friend: [rings bell] Boom! ADHD!\nHost: No. [another bell rings]\nMeredith: Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!\nHost: That's correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause]\nAndy: [dances] Whoo! Yeah!\nHost: Sir-\nAndy: Go Einsteins!\nHost: Dial it back, this isn't Tail Feathers, okay? [laughter]\nRobert: They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?\nDwight: No thank you.\nRobert: Sit down, Dwight.\nDwight: Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, 'table for one?' How is this possible?\nRobert: You were dining alone? All those people are you?\nDwight: Yes, exactly. Riddle number two: Who is going-\nRobert: Ah-ah-ah- your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?\nDwight: N... it's complicated.\nRobert: [holds a medal to the light] This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? [holds out medal]\nDwight: It's a job interview, not a flea market.\nRobert: Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place.\nDwight: Yes.\nHost: Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body.\nAndy: Oh, come on!\nHost: The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? [bell rings]\nKevin: Three hundred pounds!\nHost: Point for the Einsteins. [applause] Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.\nOscar: [rings bell, answers in French] Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon.\nOscar's friend: Yes!\nHost: I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.\nKevin: [rings bell] Les Jolies Choses.\nMeredith: Are you sure?\nKevin: Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.\nHost: The Einsteins win it! [applause]\nOscar: No! Come on!\nKevin: Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.\nStonewall Host: Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars!\nKevin: Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.\nStonewall Host: Riboflavin.\nKevin: [holds up 'Robitussin'] Riboflavin?\nStonewall Host: Michigan. [Kevin holds up 'A Mitten'] The President of the United States is 'P.O.T.U.S.' [Kevin holds up 'P.O.T.A.T.O.'] John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. [Kevin holds up 'The California Raisins']\nKelly: Cause it's like, really...\nAndy: Einsteins! Great work.\nKevin: Thank you.\nAndy: You know what I thought would be fun? Is we do like uh, a switch-em-up maybe? Since only one of us needs to win, maybe I can get Kevin and Kelly and put together an all-star team?\nOscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Andy, there is no switching teams.\nKevin: Andy, we're fine. We don't wanna switch. We're already like, the perfect unit.\nAndy: Alright. Well just stay focused, try to concentrate.\nMeredith: Whoo! Brought some brain food.\nErin: Yeah!\nKelly: Having fun.\nMeredith & Kelly: One, two, three...[team takes shots]\nKevin: When I dropped out of school to watch more sports, a lot of people thought that I was nuts. Well who's laughing now?\nAnnouncer: Say 'Shalom' to your shrubs on this Jewish holiday that celebrates the new year for trees.\nKelly: Tu Bishvat!\nAnnouncer: That's correct.\nEinsteins: Whoo!\nAnnouncer: Point for the Einsteins.\nKelly: Hey, is it true that you're not allowed to spend time with your girlfriend during the month of Tu Bishvat?\nAnnouncer: Uh, I don't think so.\nKelly: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Ryan lies to me and says he has a whole Jewish holiday for an entire month...\nOscar: It gets better, kids. It gets so much better that one day, your stupid coworkers will be excited to show up at your gay bar and ruin your trivia night.\nAndy: Alright, if you're not going to help us out by buying our own paper, could you sell eight hundred dollars more paper than usual today? That would be amazing.\nJim: Andy, it's the last day of the quarter. We've already called all our clients, so making that much in a day is going to be tough.\nAndy: Not helping, tuna.\nStanley: Yeah, I'm sitting on twenty-five hundred in sales I can make at any time but those are my wait till the separation is legal sales.\nAndy: We gotta figure this out. Think of the look on Robert's face when we tell him we met our 8% goal.\nKevin: Oh, will we get to see that look?\nAndy: No, that's why...that's why I said think of it.\nJim: Andy, we're gonna do our best. But you know what? At the end of the day seven point...whatever percent is pretty good.\nGroup: Yeah.\nAngela: Yeah, it is, Andy.\nAndy: Have I mentioned that it's also quite good for amateur animation? [flips crude animation of stick figures representing him and Robert] Took me two weeks."}
{"text": "Dwight: Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs]\nJim: It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird.\nDwight: Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs]\nStanley: You've been meatballed! [laughs]\nDwight: Ugh.\nStanley: Are you ready for some meatball?\nDwight: Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim.\nJim: I know.\nStanley: Look for your stapler!\nDwight: [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny.\nStanley: [to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight's car] What's the haul?\nDwight: Thirty-two meatballs.\nStanley: Good day.\nDwight: That idiot's been feeding us for a week.\nStanley: We'll never have to buy meatballs again.\nErin: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear.\nErin: I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.\nErin: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay.\nAndy: Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom.\nAndy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...\nJim: [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.\nOscar: Oh, who needs a house that size?\nDwight: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.\nRobert: I'm selling the house, actually.\nJim: You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent.\nRobert: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?\nJim: I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke.\nRobert: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?\nJim: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing.\nRobert: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it.\nAndy: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.\nRobert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.\nAndy: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.\nKevin: Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs]\nOscar: Kevin, no.\nRobert: What, as some sort of last hoorah?\nKevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.\nRobert: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.\nKevin: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?\nOscar: That was you, Kevin.\nKevin: It was me.\nMeredith: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift.\nErin: Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever.\nMeredith: It's no problem. You live right near me.\nErin: How do you know where I live?\nMeredith: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.\nErin: Why?\nMeredith: He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.\nErin: Oh. Come on.\nErin: Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks]\nAngela: [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm.\nCathy: It's almost too warm.\nGabe: I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half.\nRyan: Oh, so close. Eighty-one.\nGabe: [to Cathy] Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret.\nCathy: [to Jim] Hey, late guy.\nJim: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.\nAndy: Oh.\nJim: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.\nJim: You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine.\nJim: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way.\nRobert: You should see the whole thing.\nJim: I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you.\nRobert: I'm just about to give the tour.\nJim: All right-\nRobert: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.\nJim: I must...\nJessica: [looks at pool] Wow.\nAndy: [hides ring] Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage.\nJessica: [sees Andy's hand in his pocket] What are you doing?\nAndy: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh]\nJessica: Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?\nAndy: No, I'm good.\nErin: [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.\nAndy: Hi.\nErin: How is everything? How's your car?\nAndy: It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.\nErin: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?\nAndy: Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.\nErin: Oh, like a goodbye trip.\nAndy: No. What?\nJessica: Hey.\nErin: Hi.\nErin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.\nDarryl: Val. You made it.\nVal: Yup, yup.\nDarryl: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that?\nVal: You know, you are just as dumb at night.\nDarryl: Mmm. [they clink cups]\nAndy: All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath.\nJessica: No, show me.\nAndy: Okay.\nJessica: Dive in right here.\nAndy: In a minute. In a minute.\nJessica: Okay. You don't know what you're doing.\nAndy: A minute would be cool.\nErin: Hey, Dwight Snoot.\nDwight: What-\nErin: What you doing?\nDwight: I'm relaxing. Scram. [pushes her]\nErin: Ow.\nAndy: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?\nStanley: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them.\nAndy: Where... [finds pants, looks for ring]\nErin: Come on, don't you want to play?\nDwight: Oh really?\nErin: Yeah.\nDwight: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams]\nKevin: Whoa.\nAngela: Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!\nRobert: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.\nOscar: [sees wine collection] Holy cow!\nRobert: Wine collection.\nOscar: How many bottles? Three hundred?\nRobert: [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers.\nOscar: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.\nToby: Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau.\nRyan: Robert, you are too kind.\nRobert: Oh.\nGabe: Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.\nRyan: With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me.\nGabe: And Gabe-y makes three.\nJim: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical.\nRobert: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it.\nJim: Really? Why?\nRobert: I don't know. Maybe not. Just come.\nErin: [Dwight dunks her] Oh!\nDwight: [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?\nErin: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.\nDwight: I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up]\nErin: [giggles] Oh Dwight!\nErin: [giggles] Stop.\nDwight: You stop.\nErin: No, you stop.\nDwight: No, you stop.\nErin: [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop.\nDwight: Okay, you can stop.\nErin: No, no, no, he's not looking.\nDwight: No, you can stop.\nErin: You can actually stop.\nKelly: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this?\nMeredith: The main stone's missing.\nKelly: I don't know. It looks pretty great to me.\nRobert: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan.\nJim: Good night.\nOscar: [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen!\nAll: To the kitchen!\nRobert: To the kitchen. Onward!\nOscar: Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?\nToby: Note? It's a symphony.\nOscar: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club.\nToby: I would love that.\nToby: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?\nDarryl: [to Val] You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it.\nMeredith: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice.\nVal: You in?\nDarryl: Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in.\nDarryl: I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.\nDwight: [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah...\nErin: Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end.\nDwight: Damn it.\nErin: What is the most romantic possible thing?\nDwight: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.\nErin: Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you.\nBoth: Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool]\nAngela: You're in my way!\nErin: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all.\nDwight: Chicken fight!\nAndy: No thanks.\nErin: Dang it! What the heck already?\nDwight: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight!\nCathy: Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?\nKevin: I'm right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.\nDwight: Yeah- oh!\nErin: [knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders] Yes! Woo!\nDwight: Woohoo! Yes!\nErin: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.\nDwight: I know. I could just bang you right now.\nErin: He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey!\nRobert: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.\nJim: To both these bears.\nRyan: To both these bears.\nToby: Bears.\nOscar: To both these bears.\nRobert: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond.\nRyan: I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema.\nGabe: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.\nAndy: Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found.\nKelly: Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it.\nAndy: I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?\nKelly: Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about?\nAndy: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?\nPhyllis: Oh, I don't think you're being silly.\nKelly: Oh God. [takes off ring]\nAndy: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.\nPhyllis: [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it.\nJessica: [to Andy] Come on. Let's chicken fight those two.\nVal: [comes up from under water] How was that?\nKevin: Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand]\nDarryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.\nVal: No, I'm good. Thank you.\nDarryl: Cool.\nVal: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim?\nKevin: That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.\nJessica: [knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders] Yes!\nAndy: Yeah!\nDwight: [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break.\nErin: Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what.\nDwight: Okay.\nErin: One more?\nAndy: Yeah!\nJessica: Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap]\nErin: Mush, mush, mush! Come on!\nDwight: Go!\nErin: Go! Okay. Yeah.\nJessica: Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes!\nAndy: Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa!\nKevin: Wow!\nAndy: I cannot believe you're still up!\nJessica: I cannot believe it either.\nErin: I've got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks]\nAndy: [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-\nDwight: [coughs up water] Erin, did we win?\nErin: Sure. Sure we did.\nDwight: You're lying. We didn't win.\nErin: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest.\nKelly: You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat]\nAngela: We're in the pool!\nMeredith: Shut it, Angela.\nDwight: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday.\nAndy: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday.\nDwight: I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation.\nAndy: Mmm.\nDwight: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin.\nAndy: Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.\nDwight: Not what I asked.\nAndy: We're done. Erin and I are over.\nDwight: So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex.\nAndy: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.\nDwight: [sighs] You're an idiot.\nKevin: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles]\nErin: Uh-uh. Uh-uh.\nKevin: No!\nVal: Oh I've got him!\nDarryl: Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let's do this!\nAndy: [Erin swims up with ring] Wow.\nErin: So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours.\nAndy: Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?\nErin: The Bernard family seal. Duh.\nAndy: Duh.\nErin: Sorry if your special night was ruined.\nAndy: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night.\nErin: Oh, you weren't going to do that?\nAndy: Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you.\nErin: Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.\nRobert: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.\nJim: To madness.\nRyan: To madness.\nToby: To madness. [Robert laughs]\nMeredith: To madness.\nJim: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?\nMeredith: Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.\nJim: Are you serious?\nRyan: Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man.\nGabe: And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like.\nOscar: [Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine!\nToby: And I am Bacchus's friend!\nRobert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him]\nAll: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!\nJim: And there's my talking point.\nRobert: Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going.\nRyan: Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave.\nGabe: So leave.\nRyan: Two pools. A divider. A bridge. Good choice. It says everything about everything, right Robert?\nKathy: What's the water like?\nDarryl: Nice.\nAngela: Oh, it is warm.\nPhyllis: Robert's house is, well...I don't mean to sound offensive, but it's like where a basketball player would live.\nErin: Oh, Dwight.\nDwight: Uh huh.\nErin: That feels so good!\nDwight: Yeah...baby.\nErin: [grunting] Hey, Andy.\nAndy: Hey.\nErin: Dwight gives the best back massages.\nAndy: Yeah, it sounds like it.\nDwight: Hey, have you ever been checked for scoliosis?\nErin: I don't know, why don't you check me Dr. Shrute. [laughing]\nDwight: No, seriously. Your spine is jacked. It's like the devil's cursive.\nErin: You mean more like dangerous curves...\nDwight: You'd be like 8 feet tall if this thing was straightened out...[pushes Erin back to floor]\nErin: Ow!\nErin: You date a guy, you find out he was engaged to your coworker so you throw cake at him. It's over. You start liking him again so you ask him out with a puppet show. He says no. Then he follows you home to make sure that you don't kiss somebody. Then he ignores you at a pool party? Am I right ladies?\nDwight: [Erin helps Dwight stretch his inner thighs] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oooooh, yeah.\nJessica: You guys ready?\nAndy: Bring it on guys.\nDwight: Yeah...\nAndy: Let's go before I vomit. [Erin and Dwight enter pool]\nDwight: Ready?\nErin: I'm ready.\nJessica: Whoo!\nAndy: Alright! Here we go.\nErin: Ok.\nDwight: RAHHH!!!!!!!\nJessica: Yeah, come on!\nDwight: Get her! Ruin her! [Andy and Jessica beat Dwight and Erin]\nAndy: Hey! High-five!\nJessica: Yeah!\nJessica: My brother and I were the chicken fight champions of our swim club growing up. I mean, we beat the Strauss twins. Ok, I guess somebody didn't grow up in west Hartford, Connecticut.\nRobert: This room I liked for the view. I dreamed that I would watch my guests walk to their cars at dawn, their faces flushed with the shame and regret for the choices they made the night before. [laughs]\nRyan: I get that.\nGabe: Beautiful sentiment.\nJim: To the shame room! [raises bottle]\nGabe: [Robert laughs] I live in this room.\nOscar: [Toby and Oscar swig from wine bottles] Oh, Mineral-ey.\nToby: Mineral-ey."}
{"text": "Andy: Val, I need the space.\nVal: All right guys, clear out.\nAndy: Everybody out.\nVal: Promise me you're going to clean up.\nAndy: I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.\nVal: Promise me that-\nAndy: Obviously I'm going to clean up.\nAndy: Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, 'Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance,' and then you have to be like, 'Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!' And then... we dance. Oh how we dance. [dances to Kenny Loggin's Footloose] Sex also works.\nErin: Hey! Jim's back from jury duty.\nAndy: Hey! Tuna! He's back.\nJim: Hey.\nAndy: Oh, look at this. [hugs Jim] Tuna wrap.\nJim: Okay.\nAndy: [grabs Jim's wrist] Hand roll.\nJim: Yeah.\nPhyllis: How was jury duty?\nJim: It was pretty uneventful, actually.\nDwight: Can't believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.\nErin: What was the case?\nJim: Uh, hit and run.\nErin: Ooh, 'the case of the hit and run,' that's exciting.\nPhyllis: Did you send him to the slammer?\nJim: Nope. Not guilty.\nDwight: Of course you found him not guilty. [mocking voice] 'Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, mm.'\nJim: We're best friends, actually. We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come.\nDwight: Not coming, have plans.\nJim: Okay.\nJim: I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn't think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened.\nErin: Ah! Angela had the baby!\nKevin: Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious.\nDarryl: Why?\nKevin: You know.\nDarryl: Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?\nKevin: A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up.\nRyan: Eh, a little bit.\nKevin: Oh, did I win the pool?\nErin: Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.\nOscar: Well no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month.\nErin: We should all go to the hospital and visit her.\nPhyllis: Oh, I'd love to but, um-\nJim: Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work.\nOscar: Well Kevin and I have to go, Accounting is its own little family.\nKevin: Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.\nGabe: Everyone, our very own Angela-\nOscar: We all got the email, some of us are going to go visit.\nGabe: Oh, I am so in.\nGabe: I love maternity wards. It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.\nAndy: Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?\nJim: Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so-\nMeredith: How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.\nStanley: Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles.\nPhyllis: Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.\nJim: Wow, I'm really sorry.\nPhyllis: Yeah.\nJim: I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.\nJim: [demonstrating with napkin holder and salt shaker] So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually.\nToby: You know, when I was on j-duty, uh, Strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto's.\nJim: Oh man, Ernesto's. That was our favorite restaurant too.\nToby: You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.\nMeredith: Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.\nDwight: I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants.\nOscar: [whispering] Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don't know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It's going to be really tiny, so please don't say anything offensive.\nKevin: Got that, bimbo?\nErin: Got it, bimbo. [Oscar knocks at the door]\nAngela: Yes?\nOscar: Knock, knock. Oh!\nKevin: Hi!\nAngela: Oh... I don't- I don't want any- what are you guys doing here?\nOscar: We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite.\nSenator Lipton: Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.\nKevin: Phillip is so fat.\nOscar: Kevin!\nKevin: You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.\nAngela: Hey.\nSenator Lipton: Yes, he's substantial.\nErin: He's more than substantial. He's a monster.\nDwight: So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop...\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. [villainous laugh] Busted, Halpert!\nJim: Okay, wait, wait.\nDwight: Yes! Andy, get out here.\nJim: No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you.\nDwight: I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.\nAndy: What's up, gangstas?\nDwight: Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!\nAndy: Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.\nDwight: I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-\nAndy: No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.\nDwight: I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill.\nAndy: Here, right there. [mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass] Down the hatch.\nDwight: I really don't want to take the chill pill. [mimes taking pill]\nAndy: Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.\nDwight: Okay, okay. [sits, exhales] But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?\nAndy: Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu. [Jim laughs nervously]\nDwight: That's good enough for me. [exhales again]\nJim: ...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you.\nAndy: I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before.\nJim: Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.\nAndy: No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?\nJim: No.\nAndy: Do you know why you never heard of it?\nJim: No.\nAndy: Covered it up.\nJim: Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?\nAndy: They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.\nAndy: My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.\nErnesto: [pulls food truck up to where Dwight and Nate are standing] Where you want I park?\nDwight: Okay, everybody, gather 'round. Got a real special surprise for you. [indicates Ernesto and assistant who are carrying empanadas]\nToby: Ernesto!\nErnesto: Hola Toby! [mimes choking]\nToby: Yeah, hey.\nErnesto: Como esta? [speaks Spanish]\nNate: Uh, I'm going to say 'I' when I'm talking for Ernesto, so instead of 'he says blah, blah, blah,' I'm going to say 'I say, blah, blah, blah,' but that's for him. Anyway, it was something like, 'He remembers Toby.' [makes face] 'I remember Toby.'\nDwight: Okay- oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?\nJim: Uh-\nToby: It's the empanada guy.\nJim: The empanada guy!\nDwight: No, Toby! [bleep] Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. [sighs] Ask him if he remembers Jim. [Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish]\nErnesto: No.\nNate: He says, 'No.'\nDwight: He says, 'No!' Boom!\nAndy: Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.\nDwight: Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world. [Ernesto says something in Spanish]\nNate: Ah, he doesn't want any trouble, he sees lots of people, they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.\nJim: Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them.\nCreed: Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.\nDwight: Great. And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?\nAndy: Why? Everybody's heard it.\nDwight: Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?\nAndy: Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there.\nPhyllis: Why?\nAndy: Why? Why? [looks at Jim]\nJim: Because my car broke down.\nAndy: His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse.\nDwight: Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim's house, and then back to the courthouse?\nAndy: Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that.\nPhyllis: [to Ernesto] I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?\nAndy: We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?\nJim: Well, I think you handled it pretty well.\nAndy: I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your [bleep].\nJim: Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth.\nAndy: [sighs] I don't even know what the truth is anymore.\nOscar: Wow, it's so... healthy.\nKevin: I'm going to call him Little Kevin.\nAngela: No, you will not.\nErin: Is he really five pounds?\nAngela: Mm-hmm.\nErin: Because I squat with five pounds. This- [squats, grunts] yeah, this feels like more than that.\nSenator Lipton: No, no, no, he's nine pounds, seven ounces.\nAngela: Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh. So, what did you bring?\nOscar: Oh yeah, I don't know if it's right, but-\nSenator Lipton: Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park.\nAngela: Aw, preemie pajamas!\nOscar: Again, it may not be the right size. I can return-\nAngela: No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you.\nKevin: I got Little Kevin Call of Duty.\nOscar: This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow.\nJim: Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry, I didn't know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off.\nStanley: What?\nJim: Funny? No? Nobody laughing?\nDwight: [laughs] You're screwed! Oh, it's happening. It's really happening.\nStanley: What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt.\nJim: Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good.\nDwight: Your clients. They're all mine.\nDarryl: Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse.\nAndy: Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.\nDwight: All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. [puts Jim's things in a box] Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself. [laughs]\nAndy: Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim.\nDwight: No, no, no. You said- you said that you were-\nAndy: I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. [gives Jim a limp slap]\nDwight: That's it? This is crap! [dumps the box on Jim's desk and leaves]\nGabe: [on voicemail] You've reached Gabe Lewis, I'm currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao. [beep]\nDwight: Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP.\nDwight: I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.\nAngela: Shh.\nOscar: Honestly, I can return this for a larger size.\nAngela: It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.\nOscar: The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.\nAngela: Ah!\nKevin: [giggles] Little Kevin.\nAngela: Really?\nOscar: Angela.\nAngela: Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago.\nOscar: I knew that, I knew it.\nAngela: The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata.\nOscar: Chicken marsala.\nAngela: Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock.\nOscar: Mm-hmm.\nAngela: And now you all know, but you can never tell. I'm serious.\nOscar: Dwight. Hey.\nDwight: Oh, hey. Have you seen Gabe?\nOscar: He went to the car or something, but he'll be back.\nDwight: Okay. [sits]\nOscar: Don't you want to see the baby?\nDwight: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.\nOscar: I promised I wouldn't tell.\nDwight: So don't.\nOscar: Angela got pregnant before the wedding.\nDwight: What?\nOscar: She got pregnant before the wedding.\nDwight: How long before?\nOscar: A month. [Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him] You didn't hear it from me!\nDwight: Yes I did.\nAngela: Dwight?\nSenator Lipton: Dwight.\nDwight: I want to see the baby.\nErin: Oh, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It's not worth it.\nDwight: Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... [whispers] willingly, or as slaves.\nDwight: That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.\nAngela: He's hungry.\nSenator Lipton: Oh, that's my cue to leave.\nAngela: No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover.\nSenator Lipton: Still. Still.\nAngela: You won't see-\nJim: [to Cece] You want a giraffe?\nJim: Yes, I am brining my kids in to help me get out of this hole. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam.\nPam: Hi. Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here.\nJim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, game face, baby, game face.\nPam: Oh right, okay. Hey Stanley, it's great to see you!\nJim: Whoa, no, no. That's overdoing it, I think.\nPam: Oh, hi Stanley.\nJim: Split the difference?\nPam: Jim.\nJim: Okay, let's go.\nPam: Hey.\nErin: Hi.\nPam: Hi everybody!\nJim: What?\nAll: Hi.\nPam: How about a little visit?\nJim: Wow, what a surprise. That's crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers.\nCreed: Hey, Angela's back with her baby.\nPam: Yes, well, you guys all know Cece, but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip.\nAndy: Aw! You guys. He's licking on my finger, just like my cat does.\nCreed: Let me have a turn.\nPam: No, it's the pacifier's turn.\nCreed: All right.\nJim: Did you say something about this one bringing in something for these people?\nPam: [gasps] Yes! Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play, so she brought you a little treat.\nPhyllis: Cookies?\nPam: No, but that would've been a really good idea.\nJim: That was a great idea.\nPam: No, she brought you drawings.\nJim: Oh my goodness, let's take a look at these. They're usually amazing, so let's see. Yup, they are. Uncle Andy.\nAndy: Oh!\nJim: Oh, Aunt Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Oh.\nAndy: Wow, these are incredible. Cece, did you do these?\nCece: No.\nPam: She says 'no' to everything. You know, she thinks my name is 'No.' Cece, do you want some broccoli?\nCece: Yes.\nPam: No. It's crazy.\nRyan: Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?\nAndy: There's cross-hatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a two-year-old.\nKelly: Cece, this is your big sister Kelly. Did you color this pretty picture?\nCece: No.\nKelly: So then this means nothing to you. [rips picture]\nAndy: Hey, Cece, why don't you draw another picture for us, exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style?\nJim: You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command. That's very weird. I'll just take that. Thank you. I think we should just wrap up the show, kiddos. Right?\nCece: [cries] Mama!\nPam: Shh.\nJim: I don't know what else we can do here.\nCece: [cries] Mama, mama, mama.\nJim: It's okay.\nPam: Oh, it's okay, sweetie.\nJim: All right, all right. Okay.\nPam: It's okay, honey. [Philip cries] It's okay, it's okay.\nJim: All right, I know, I know. Let's just get this.\nPam: Shh.\nCece: Mama!\nDwight: Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.\nAngela: Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.\nDwight: Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?\nAngela: That is completely untrue.\nDwight: Completely true. Remember? Angela. No.\nDwight: You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-\nAngela: I did not. Uh-uh.\nDwight: -and I said, 'I bet I could fulfill you,' and you said, 'I'd like to see you try,' and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.\nAngela: That didn't happen.\nDwight: And then I inserted my penis-\nAngela: No! Stop it!\nDwight: Into your-\nAngela: Dwight.\nDwight: Vagina and-\nAngela: And even if it did, it's just a coincidence.\nDwight: Admit that there is a chance.\nAngela: I will not.\nDwight: Admit it. Admit it.\nAngela: I will not, it's not-\nSenator Lipton: All done?\nDwight: Yeah.\nSenator Lipton: Mmm.\nAngela: Yes, yes. He's sleeping.\nDwight: Before I go, may I?\nAngela: Sure. [gives Philip to Dwight] Watch the head, watch the head.\nDwight: Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.\nNurse: Who are you?\nDwight: I just might be his father.\nNurse: I don't know what that means. We're gonna circumcise him.\nJim: [Philip is crying] I know, buddy, I know. Cece, you want to come? Want to come out?\nCece: No!\nJim: Oh bud, I know. Do you have a pacifier or anything?\nPam: I'm looking, I'm looking for the pacifier.\nJim: Cece!\nPam: Okay, we're going.\nJim: Okay, okay, we gotta go. All right, we're going home, we're going home. We're going home, we're going home. I know, I know, bud.\nPam: Shh, shh, shh.\nJim: I know, I know.\nPam: You want to grab her?\nJim: I'm gonna grab her, okay.\nPam: Here we go, here we go.\nJim: Hi, all right. I'm just going to go down to the car and I'm going to put her in her seat and I'll be right back up.\nStanley: [groans] We'll see you tomorrow.\nJim: No, no, it's okay, I'll be right back.\nPhyllis: No, just go home.\nDarryl: It's all good, we got this.\nDarryl: I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation.\nPam: Jim.\nPhyllis: Just go.\nAndy: Hey, we'll be just fine.\nJim: Thanks guys. All right, here we go. Let's go.\nAndy: Oh, whew!\nAndy: Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here.\nDwight: Oh, right. [sighs] The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe.\nGabe: You had something important to tell me?\nDwight: Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant.\nDwight: Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?\nJim: I would love for everyone to just forgive me. But, if that's not happening, I'm not averse to just buying them all off.\nJim: Alright guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind like a ton of black licorice? [points to pile of candy] Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there. So, enjoy it.\nPhyllis: Mmm-hmm. Moneybags. Must be nice.\nAndy: So you effectively spent what...four dollars on the entire office?\nJim: Uh, I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't...\nAndy: You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you-\nJim: [interrupting] Alright. Well, enjoy the red licorice, and good riddance, right? [tosses black licorice into trash]\nDarryl: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! So you're just gonna throw away perfectly good food?\nJim: It's not really food, right?\nCreed: I'm really hating this Jim guy!\nJim: Ok, ok, ok.\nStanley: I know what you can do Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice, take 'em in your hand, roll 'em up real tight...\nJim: 'And shove it up my butt.'\nStanley: Dammit Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not 'shove it up your butt' it's...I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead!\nDarryl: Eat it.\nJim: I'm not gonna eat it.\nDarryl: Eat. It.\nJim: I'm not-\nStanley: EAT IT! [Jim begins eating black licorice]\nJim: [on phone] They hate me, Pam.\nPam: They don't hate you.\nJim: No, it's bad. Darryl canceled go-karting...\nPam: When were you going go-karting with Darryl?\nJim: It's a lunch thing.\nPam: Alright. Just don't worry, we'll figure this out.\nJim: I feel like a stranger in my own country.\nPam: Ok, drama.\nJim: Ok. Well, hey, you're not here. You don't know, Ok? It's intense. They made me eat black licorice.\nDwight: I have a recurring nightmare that I've been wrongly accused of a crime and twelve of these idiots are on the jury. Stanley is fast asleep, Kevin eats the evidence, Phyllis's name is Allison but it really is Phyllis, Jim is foreman of the jury and pronounces me guilty. The cop takes me away and tells me that I've been a bad boy and we have sex in the hall. She leaves the handcuffs on. They take me away to prison. The guards are all women. [sighs]\nAndy: Everyone, this is Officer Foley from the Scranton PD. Works down at the courthouse. I think he has something he's like to say.\nOfficer Foley: I understand that some of you don't believe that Mr. Bernard drove his friend into the courthouse for jury duty last week.\nDarryl: Correction: we don't care.\nErin: Hey, aren't you an actor?\nAndy: No.\nErin: Weren't you in Sweeny Todd last year with Andy?\nOfficer Foley: Uh, no.\nDarryl: You hired your actor friend to come here as a cop?\nAndy: That is so offensive and ridiculous. I-\nDarryl: So if I started singing 'Down By the Old Mill Stream', you couldn't join me in a three part harmony. [Andy and Officer Foley shake their heads no, Darryl begins singing] Down by the, down by the, down by the...\nAndy, Darryl & Officer Foley: [singing] Old mill stream. When I first met you, down by the old mill stream [Andy & Foley hold 'stream']\nDarryl: [Low singing] Old, mill, stream.\nAndy: Ho hah!...oh, shoot.\nDarryl: Mm hmm."}
{"text": "Jim: Oh ho! Look who's back reporting for duty.\nPam: Hey guys!\nAll: Hey.\nPam: [laughing] Hi.\nAndy: Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. [pretends to punch Pam in the stomach] Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!\nPhyllis: Are you glad to be back?\nPam: Yeah. Yeah, I mean I could have used another week, or three.\nStanley: You still had eight weeks more than we did.\nPam: [laughing] Well, it's not exactly a vacation.\nAngela: Hello everyone! Remember little old me. Hi!\nDwight: What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder Mifflin...family baby. Four days ago.\nAngela: I wanted to come back to work. Not everybody needs some long luxurious Parisian maternity leave. [removes coat]\nPam: What?!\nKelly: Damn girl! Your body!\nOscar: Angela, you look amazing.\nAngela: Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros. Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me so I made some treats. I've got brownies and magic cookie bars.\nGroup: [murmurs of delight as people shuffle toward the treats]\nPam: Oh Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts. You're allergic to walnuts, right Kevin?\nKevin: Extremely, but I'm gonna fight through it.\nPam: Aw. It's OK Angela. I have mommy brain too.\nAngela: I don't know what that is, Pam. I made a batch with no nuts, special for you Kevin, right here.\nPam: When did you find time to do all this?\nAngela: Babies sleep a lot Pam, if you feed them enough. Brownie Pam?\nPam: Thank you. [takes bite] Oh my gosh. It's really good.\nAngela: I wouldn't know, I'm watching my weight. Ugh.\nPam: So you guys, you know what's an even more useful treat...is cash. So-\nJim: Nope. It's over.\nPam: ...we wanted to say thank you-\nJim: Nope. OK.\nAndy: Dwight, I have exciting news for you.\nDwight: What?\nAndy: I think you're going to like it.\nDwight: You can't tantalize me.\nAndy: Oooh, maybe I can. [slowly] I got an email... from corporate...that told me that...\nDwight: OK. [looks at watch and leaves]\nAndy: That...[quickly] you got a promotion! [Dwight turns back] Right? I mean that's not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.\nDwight: If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear.\nAndy: No, this is legit. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores.\nDwight: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, hi-yes! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!\nDwight: The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, 'perfect pork anus' which I don't mean.\nErin: And here's the fax for you.\nAndy: And here's some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.\nErin: Ah! Love to learn.\nAndy: Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.\nErin: So... [points out their matching heart pins]\nAndy: Uh yeah, look at that.\nErin: We're pin twins.\nAndy: Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift really. Real gifts come later.\nErin: Yeah. That's cute. When I saw it in CVS it made me gag too. [Andy laughs, walks away, Erin throws away her pin]\nErin: For a while there I thought something would change. But nope. Andy's still with Jessica, they even carpool together most days. I don't know, I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy, but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica.\nDarryl: What do we have here?\nDarryl: Val knit me a beanie. But I can't if it's a 'we're just friends' beanie or a 'I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it poppin'' beanie. So I'm gonna up the ante, give her a clearly romantic gift, and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.\nDwight: Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear, make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded, and join me on a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.\nPam: Really?\nDwight: Mm hm.\nPam: I'll fly anywhere for some good barbeque.\nJim: Ooh, me three.\nDwight: Eh! No plus one's. This is for competent workers only. And don't worry about the cost, Sabre is footing the bill.\nPam: Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?\nDwight: God, you're such a spy.\nDarryl: [clears throat] Notice anything different about me?\nVal: You're wearing the beanie. You like it?\nDarryl: Super comfortable. Like sweatpants for my head.\nNate: I love it too Val. It's it's really itchy, uh but to be fair my head is constantly itching so I can't really peg it on the hat.\nDarryl: [noticing all the warehouse workers wearing homemade beanies] Wow. It's like the nation of Islam down here.\nVal: I like to knit, don't hate. And who's that for?\nDarryl: Oh, this is a gift, for...my man Nate here.\nNate: What?\nDarryl: Yeah.\nNate: Darryl, you shouldn't have.\nDarryl: Hey.\nNate: Can I open it?\nDarryl: No, no, no. Maybe just later.\nNate: Ah, I can't wait. I'm sorry. I get too excited. [opens gift] Darryl.\nVal: Wow. Those are really nice.\nNate: They're so elegant.\nVal: Cashmere.\nNate: How'd you know?\nDarryl: Just a hunch. Your gift is on the way.\nVal: Can't wait.\nNate: [reading card] 'I'm glad you're in my life. Happy Valentine's Day.' Ugh, Darryl. I am glad to be in your life too. Oh, your card is more beautiful than the gloves.\nDwight: My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People who'll help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who won't be missed. We don't need idiots, good for nothing's, methheads or... What's your name?\nKathy: Kathy.\nDwight: Kathy.\nJim: I just got a text from Robert California that says 'bring your clubs to Florida'.\nPam: Why? Does he think you're going to Florida?\nJim: I hope not. [laughs] Because I am not going. Two question marks?\nPam: No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive. You know it's like wha-what?? Just do one.\nAndy: You wanna take Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?\nDwight: Yes.\nAndy: Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?\nDwight: Oh my god.\nAndy: They're not expendable exactly, I just can't...I can't think of the word I'm trying to find.\nDwight: Are you kidding me?! I'm supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? We'd never get off the runway.\nAndy: Alright, look. I gotta keep this office functioning somehow. So, I have put together a list, here's your team. Darryl and Phyllis you can have, but you're also taking Kathy, Kelly and Kevin.\nDwight: Oh god.\nAndy: You have your team.\nDwight: Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.\nPam: Well, let's hear it.\nJim: 'Robert, Hey!' Exclamation point.\nPam: I like it so far.\nJim: 'Got your text, awesome idea. Let's hit the links next time you're in PA' Dash JH.\nPam: It's perfect. You emphasized the golf, completely omit the Florida.\nJim: Yeah, it's a golf text.\nPam: Total golf text. Send it.\nJim: Duh- Wait. I just feel weird. I should just call him.\nKelly: You wanna call someone? That texted you!? Do you wanna drive them away? I mean, ugh.\nDarryl: [on phone] This is Darryl.\nBob: Oh, sorry I asked for the main shipping number. I just need the address for the warehouse? I want to send my girlfriend some flowers.\nDarryl: Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?\nBob: Yeah, do you know her?\nDarryl: We're friends. We're friends.\nBob: Cool. Um, so can I get that address or...?\nDarryl: Yeah sorry, I'm just looking for a pen.\nBob: Why do you need a pen?\nDarryl: Back off! I got my reasons.\nDwight: May I have your attention please? Could Kathy, Darryl, Phyllis, Kevin and Kelly please join me in the conference room immediately?\nKelly: Why?\nDwight: Oh, no big deal. It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three week all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida.\nKelly: Hell yeah.\nStanley: What?!\nDwight: Oh, I'm sorry Stanley, I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.\nMeredith: Wait. Kathy gets to go? Uh, why does she even still work here? Pam is back.\nOscar: It just feels like a slap in the face.\nDwight: I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.\nOscar: We're not questioning his reasons. I just wanna know what they are.\nDwight: I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kinda random to me, but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.\nKevin: Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's gotta take off his cape.\nDwight: Good point. But we're gonna be working pretty hard until five PM. After that it's gonna be beach volleyball, trips to Cape Canaveral, and sea kayaking with Gloria Estefan.\nRyan: What are the criteria for going?\nDwight: It might be innate goodness versus innate badness? But there's an easy way to find out. [knocks on Andy's office door] Oh Andy, gotta few questions for you.\nAndy: Mooshie mooshie. [Dwight laughs]\nDwight: Uh, the Florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked and maybe you could just clarify?\nAndy: Well uh...well the deliberations were confidential so...I feel like we should respect that.\nStanley: Respect it? You're trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson.\nKevin: Hey!\nAngela: Ok, it's obvious Andy picked the people that are least important to the office.\nKelly: Important? Oh because you and your enormous monster baby are so important to the branch.\nAngela: My baby is not a monster!\nDwight: Hey. Be proud of your enormous monster baby. I was once an enormous monster baby.\nAndy: Guys. Guys. Guys. Come on, seriously? We cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys!\nRyan: Stop calling us 'guys'.\nAndy: I use the word 'guys' a lot when I'm nervous...guys.\nAndy: Guys! Guys! Guys!\nGroup: Stop it!\nAndy: Guys..\nRyan: Stop. Stop it Andy.\nOscar: ...Andy.\nAndy: Dudes...the dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me.\nDwight: OK hey. I specifically remember there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.\nAndy: Wha-\nStanley: If anybody's going to Florida, it should be me. Every shirt I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama. I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice.\nAndy: OK, I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly, so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida, I'm happy to hear you out.\nDwight: Great idea! So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida and Andy and I will listen to it.\nAndy: No. That is a ridiculous waste of time.\nKelly: For you maybe.\nAndy: Five to six hours?\nDwight: Three to four hours.\nAndy: No no no no.\nDwight: Two to three hours...\nAndy: Nope.\nDwight: Come up with a statement in the next hour...\nAndy: Thirty minutes!\nCreed: I'm out.\nPam: Ok, read it back to me.\nJim: [reading text] Robert, great offer. Wish I could hit the links with you in Florida but a father of a newborn really should be helping out his wife any chance he gets.\nPam: Good. Doesn't sound pushy...you're just stating a fact.\nErin: Absolutely. Works for me.\nJim: Ok, sending.\nPam: Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning.\nJim: Really did [Text bleep] He responded L-O-L.\nErin: [laughs exaggeratedly]\nPhyllis: I have a new swimsuit I need to break in...\nMeredith: I am...\nDwight: I have already picked my team: Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby and that is the team that I am taking. What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence? Well, that's all Baltzer Gladfielder had and no one eats owls for Thanksgiving.\nRyan: You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor, you need one of us there.\nAndy: Or both?\nRyan: Not both. Just one, me. Or if not me, Kelly. Ideally me. Again, youth knowledge. That's what you get when you put Ryan Howard on your special project team...or Kelly Kapoor. Again, not both. Thanks.\nAndy: Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that.\nDwight: Mm-hm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show, no meat.\nKevin: Because I feel like that I'm in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport? Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something...\nDwight: Ok. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.\nAndy: Thank you.\nKevin: When do we leave?\nAndy: Thank you.\nToby: It has been a long, lonely winter.\nDwight: Wow. Seasonal effective disorder, AKA: sad. That sounds like a very real thing, Toby.\nToby: It is real, thank you for saying that.\nAndy: Yeah, wow. It's almost like we're not all experiencing the same winter?\nStanley: Florida Stanley smiles. Florida Stanley is happy to go to work. Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team.\nDwight: Maybe it's what she does here...\nAndy: Well...\nErin: Hey guys, any spots left?\nAndy: Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?\nErin: I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.\nDwight: You know I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality.\nErin: Either or. But if you can find someone to fill in, I would love to go.\nAndy: Well it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in..\nErin: Really? Oh, great. Good, ahem, good.\nJim: Now, is it too dark to say that Cici's having an operation?\nPam: I think you need to go to Florida.\nJim: I think you're right.\nPam: It's only for three weeks, you know with my mom and sister at the house it'll be..\nJim: Total nightmare.\nPam: I was going to say good because I'll have all the help I need?\nJim: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're incredibly helpful, you're lucky to have them. I mean with them there, you probably won't even know I'm gone.\nPam: Exactly.\nDwight: Well, [Jim enters] No! No! Absolutely not! You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Andy?\nAndy: Tuns, I'm really sorry. You're too essential to the operation here, I can't let you go.\nDwight: I wouldn't say that...it's a bit much.\nJim: You know Dwight, if you didn't want me to go the smart move would be to tell Andy that I actually am essential to the operation. That way I couldn't go.\nDwight: Jim is essential to th-\nJim: Hold on, just wanna get it on camera. [holds up cellphone]\nDwight: Andy, Jim is just too...essen-...\nJim: Essential.\nDwight: This is stupid! Cut.\nJim: Alright, I'm gonna pack my trunks.\nDwight: He doesn't even want to go.\nJim: Well, I got a text from RC inviting me to come down so I think that's gonna make us roomates.\nDwight: Oh my god.\nJim: Hey, quick question: Do you shower at night or in the morning? Cause I wanna shower when you're showering. Save some water.\nAndy: OK, listen up everyone, here's who's going to Florida: Kathy..\nDwight: What?\nAndy: '.Stanley..\nDwight: No.\nAndy: ...Ryan...\nDwight: No!\nAndy: ...Erin...\nDwight: (Bleep)\nAndy: ...And, Jim.\nDwight: You've gotta be (bleep)-ing kidding me. Ok. Ok, Florida group, welcome to the team. [goes into conference room and slams door] AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!\nDwight: Let's go, step it up you runts. You infants, let's move.\nStanley: Why is it so hot in here?\nDwight: Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice temperate Florida morning. Eighty-five degrees, seventy-five percent humidity. This is the exact environment you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life. Welcome to special projects orientation. The next three weeks of your life are gonna be the most miserable you've ever faced. They're gonna be hard, they're gonna be dirty. You're gonna wish you were dead.\nRyan: But...\nDwight: But? There's not buts. That's it. You'll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed, you wanna stay here?\nRyan: No no, I want to go.\nDwight: Cause if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell. [holds up Taboo buzzer]\nJim: Is that the buzzer from Taboo?\nDwight: SHUT UP MAGGOT! YOU DON'T WANT TO GO, RING THE BELL! RING IT! Ring it.\nDwight: How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?\nStanley: How did a mosquito get in here?\nDwight: I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room, just temporarily. When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes. [Frog in plastic cage ribbits]\nDwight: Yes, when he brushes your soft supple cheeks with his worn leathery hands and says 'I'm gonna make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblatt' unless you ring this bell. Ring it! Ring the bell. You wanna spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? Huh? Do you? Ring it! Wha-, [Jim slaps Dwight's forehead] oh. What was that?\nJim: Mosquito.\nDwight: [Sighs and grunts] Orientation is over.\nNate: Oh Darryl, hey.\nDarryl: Hey what's up? You called?\nNate: Yeah, you know I, I felt really terrible that you got me these lovely gloves and I didn't get you anything...\nDarryl: It's cool really.\nNate: No, it's anything but cool. Now I haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but uh, here goes. [Hands Darryl pink slips of paper]\nDarryl: 'This coupon entitles you to one free tickle monster attack'\nNate: Yeah, they're Nate coupons. Or Nate-pons. And they're all different. Cash that one in and I will bring you a stick of gum, anytime, any place. I'll find you.\nDarryl: Thanks. [to Val] Nice flowers.\nVal: Thanks, they're from my mom.\nDarryl: Your mom?\nVal: Yeah.\nDarryl: Uh. So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep voiced woman?\nVal: Yeah, that's her.\nDarryl: She said her name was Brandon, I think. Your mom's name is Brandon?\nVal: [laughs] Yeah Darryl, my mom's name is Brandon.\nDarryl: Then I guess I figured out where I stand. This is a love beanie.\nDwight: Ok, Florida team, let's reconvene.\nErin: I'm going to Florida...and I'm not coming back.\nDwight: So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate.\nJim: So, what is this special project?\nDwight: Basically Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.\nJim: That sounds awesome.\nDwight: It did, it did.\nRyan: You know what might be great? Is if instead of a genius bar we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it.\nErin: Yeah. And they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you don't have to carry it around like a dope. Like a coat check. [Dwight writes on whiteboard] Oh, don't write it down unless you like it.\nDwight: Oh, I like it.\nRyan: It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party. So I think our question is: How do we make this a better party?\nDwight: No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other stores look like a toy store.\nRyan: Right. Think different, from Apple.\nJim: Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us?\nDwight: [long pause] Yes. What are my expectations for the group?\nDwight: I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfectinschlag.\nKelly: I don't know how I'm going to live here without you.\nRyan: Me neither. Hey, will you put this coat on my chair? I just realized I'm not going to need it down there.\nKelly: Yes, I will take your coat. And I will keep it with me, and I will sleep with it because it smells like you.\nRyan: No, no, no, no. Just put it on my chair.\nPam: Alright [kiss]\nJim: Bye.\nPam: Bye. Call me when you land.\nJim: I will.\nAndy: Safe travels.\nErin: Goodbye for a very very long time.\nAndy: Oh, K. It's only three weeks.\nKathy: [On phone] All expenses paid. Yeah, Jim's gonna be there. Their marriage is not good. Nobody knows better than me. Definitely we will. It's three weeks in Tallahassee, what else is there to do?"}
{"text": "Dwight: Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late.\nDwight: Wake up! [Cathy screams]\nDwight: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! [Erin kicks him] Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?\nErin: Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.\nDwight: Stanley! Wake up! You've got to wake up, the hotel's on fire!\nErin: Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! [Dwight pinches Stanley's nose and covers his mouth]\nStanley: Mmm! [struggles] Ugh!\nDwight: [lets go] Good morning.\nErin: Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now.\nRyan: Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. [sees Dwight] Oh, not cool!\nJim: I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- [hears door, hides]\nDwight: Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man.\nErin: What do you think happened?\nDwight: Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees 'IT WAS DWIGHT' written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. [Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream]\nJim: Puppet.\nCathy: Cool, for your kids?\nJim: Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before.\nDwight: Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.\nDwight: I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.\nDwight: I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel.\nSaleswoman: What does he like?\nDwight: Power.\nRyan: Okay, and this one is, 'Huh. Don't see too many museums around here.'\nDwight: Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car.\nErin: Hey, are you okay?\nDwight: I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming.\nErin: Who says none of us are diarrheal?\nJim: Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you.\nDwight: Very funny, Jim.\nJim: Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, 'For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?' and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something?\nDwight: I'm gonna set your face on fire.\nJim: That's a good one. [a red sports car drives up] Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub?\nStanley: Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod.\nJim: Yes.\nStanley: You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins.\nJim: Loggins and Messina.\nStanley: Did I say 'Messina?' [tires screech]\nAndy: Ahh! [laughs] Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet.\nCreed: I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today.\nAndy: It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... [drops pin] I thought that would be cooler.\nDarryl: I loved it.\nMeredith: Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet.\nAndy: Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it.\nOscar: Can we see that? Did you really find it?\nAndy: Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. [chuckles, clicks tongue] In the trash.\nPam: Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail.\nEveryone: Oh great. [overlapping chatter]\nKelly: We're screwed.\nPam: There. [phone rings]\nAndy: Oh! There we go! Pam?\nPam: Yeah?\nAndy: Can you get the phone?\nPam: Well I'm not the receptionist.\nAndy: Mm, well, you used to be.\nPam: I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do.\nAndy: Phone's ringing.\nKelly: Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. [Andy and Pam silently argue] Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone!\nEveryone: Somebody! Answer the phone.\nKelly: Andy, pick up the phone!\nStanley: Get the damn phone.\nMeredith: You're the closest one to it.\nAndy: Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. [ringing continues] Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?\nJim: Man.\nCathy: How was the drive?\nJim: Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast.\nStanley: Life is short. 'Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.' That's one of my mottoes.\nJim: I would love to hear the other mottos.\nPacker: Quick query, Halpert.\nJim: No way.\nPacker: Still queer?\nDwight: Packer.\nPacker: You can't put me down. Too strong!\nPacker: Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-\nNellie: Psst. Say, 'So who's leading this thing, anyway?'\nRyan: So who's leading this thing, anyway?\nNellie: Psst. Say, 'I can't wait to meet him.'\nRyan: I can't wait to meet him.\nNellie: Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader?\nRyan: I-\nNellie: You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, [points to her head] and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. [slow clap] I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. [points to Jim] After you decided I wasn't 'a good fit-'\nJim: It was-\nNellie: Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, 'Yes!' So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?\nCathy: Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.\nNellie: No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.\nCathy: Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter.\nNellie: Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it.\nErin: Yeah!\nNellie: Let me just get the projector working.\nDwight: Uh. [eats antacids]\nJim: You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote.\nDwight: You didn't poison me, it's just stress.\nJim: Okay.\nDwight: What is the antidote?\nJim: True love's kiss.\nNellie: Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. [points to Ryan] You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon.\nDwight: I'll do it! I always say, 'You want something done right? Ask Dwight.' Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head. [reaches up, whimpers]\nPacker: I can do it.\nDwight: Mmm! [screams, pulls down screen] There we go.\nDwight: [on phone] Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. [to Jim] What kind of poison did you use?\nJim: Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding.\nDwight: Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. [sees chart on screen] Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed.\nNellie: Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. [winks]\nEmergency Operator: Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?\nDwight: Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.\nPacker: I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time.\nNellie: Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual.\nPacker: Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense.\nDwight: You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter.\nPacker: Did you say 'masturbator?'\nDwight: I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.\nNellie: Why are you sitting down like that?\nDwight: Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over!\nJim: Wow. Are you that bored?\nStanley: It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate.\nJim: Is that another motto?\nStanley: It's whatever you want. [offers Jim the bottle]\nJim: Mmm.\nStanley: Or do you only drink with your kids?\nJim: Ah, let's do it. [laughs] Oh, that's healthy.\nJim: I've spent so much of my life telling myself 'Please, don't end up like Stanley,' and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes.\nNellie: We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?\nPacker: Yup. Tallahassee, let's go.\nErin: Jim, are you in?\nJim: Oh, I don't know.\nStanley: Sounds like a hoot. I'm in.\nJim: All right, what the heck? Let's do it.\nPacker: This is great. This is gonna be great.\nNellie: I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.\nDwight: I'll be on top. It's the most important position.\nRyan: Dude, I think you have appendicitis.\nDwight: [tries to climb human pyramid] Ahh!\nRyan: Dwight?\nJim: Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while?\nDwight: Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit!\nPacker: Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen.\nDwight: [groans] Stop moving!\nJim: No one's moving!\nDwight: Oh! [collapses]\nEveryone: Oh, oh! [general commotion]\nDwight: Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.\nJim: Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning.\nJim: The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty.\nParamedic: You need an operation. You have appendicitis.\nRyan: Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net.\nErin: How long will he be gone?\nParamedic: Two or three days.\nDwight: Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.\nPacker: Drama queen, am I right?\nDwight: [to phone] Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. [presses button] Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up.\nPacker: That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting?\nPam: Whoa, are those mini pizzas?\nAndy: Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck.\nKevin: Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? [giggles] Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge.\nAndy: Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through.\nDarryl: Oh [bleep] yeah.\nAndy: Up high.\nDarryl: Yes sir. Thanks.\nAndy: Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. [whispers to Kelly] I put out some new magazines, check it out.\nCreed: Ah, Dwell.\nAndy: I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. [phone rings] Oh, there's the phone!\nDwight: I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in.\nErin: Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later.\nDwight: Who's doing the presentations?\nErin: Packer's giving one. [Dwight growls] Jim'll probably give ours, I guess.\nDwight: Damn it!\nErin: Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna-\nPacker: #NAME?\nNellie: Very good point.\nDwight: Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting.\nNellie: Dwight, are you all right?\nDwight: I'm great. How are you?\nDwight: What's our presentation about?\nJim: Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours.\nDwight: I got the surgery, what else is there to do?\nErin: Do a hundred jumping jacks.\nDwight: No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks.\nErin: I don't feel like it either!\nErin: [doing jumping jacks] Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine-\nDwight: I want that vice-presidency.\nJim: You haven't done any of the research.\nDwight: You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name.' You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it.\nStanley: Aw, let him do it.\nJim: Stanley, are you listening to music?\nStanley: Yup.\nDwight: All right, who's ready for the next presentation?\nNellie: Ah, what is your topic?\nDwight: What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is.\nErin: Retail consumer habits.\nDwight: Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... [sighs] The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. [Erin makes the first slide appear] Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay.\nDwight: Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?\nRyan: I can field this one.\nDwight: No, sit down. 'Seasonal.' Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. [Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips] Thank you. [Dwight sticks his head in the bowl] Oh, God. Next slide.\nAndy: Mail call! [sings] His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt.\nKevin: Are those the lyrics?\nDwight: Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?\nNellie: What are the three pillars of retail?\nErin: [whispers] Convenience.\nDwight: Ingredients.\nErin: Service.\nDwight: Burgers.\nErin: Building loyalty.\nDwight: Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.\nNellie: Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight.\nDwight: Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?\nJim: You are bleeding through your shirt.\nDwight: Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. [ties jacket around wound] Ah.\nPam: Hey, having fun?\nAndy: Yes I am, as a matter of fact.\nPam: Well I know how it is. I know it's a lot of fun. I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job. What are you doing here?\nAndy: I found my calling.\nDarryl: Andy, when I was twelve years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog.\nPam: Guys, I don't like this analogy.\nAndy: [groans] Ugh! Fine. Did you see this? [points to pens in cup]\nPam: It's nice.\nAndy: I mean... [Pam giggles]\nNellie: How are you feeling?\nDwight: Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle.\nNellie: Can I see the wound?\nDwight: [show her the wound] Oh God.\nNellie: Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed.\nDwight: You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass.\nNellie: A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet.\nDwight: That's right.\nNellie: That is amazing. Todd, look at that.\nPacker: Oh, yikes. Incoming- [tries to touch the wound]\nDwight: Ah! Not so fast.\nNellie: Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you [points to both] have a lot to offer.\nPacker: It would be an honor, ma'am.\nDwight: I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.\nDwight: I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix.\nAndy: [answers the reception phone] Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew.\nDonna Muraski: Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin?\nAndy: Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple of weeks.\nDonna Muraski: Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart. You tell her Donna Muraski misses her.\nAndy: I miss her too.\nNellie: Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. [cheers, claps]\nWally Amos: Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos-\nStanley: What's under the cloth?\nWally Amos: We'll get to that.\nPacker: Cookies. Bet you anything it's cookies.\nWally Amos: It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first.\nNellie: Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies! [everyone goes for the cookies]\nErin: Famous, hi. I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time, but I-\nWally Amos: Is it oatmeal with no raisins?\nErin: I'm sorry to have wasted your time."}
{"text": "Pam: Hey Angela, you wanna see a picture of Phillip wearing those little booties you got us?\nAngela: So cute.\nOscar: Hey, you guys want to see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes? He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these. Now going out in the rain is all he wants to do.\nPam: Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.\nAngela: News flash - If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.\nPam: Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.\nAngela: That is where we disagree.\nOscar: Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet?\nPam: No, three-month-old humans don't do that.\nAngela: My Phillip is crawling.\nPam: Angela is such a liar!\nOscar: It's maddening!\nOscar: Exactly. That's just like crate training. All night long, all night long.\nPam: Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide, I mean, you'll never sleep again.\nAngela: No one said 'you must have two'\nOscar: Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you, no.\nAngela: No thank you.\nAndy: [laughing] Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has NO idea what he just got himself into. There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat'am i right?\nAngela/Pam: Unbelievable!\nOscar: Un-be-liev-a-ble.\nNellie: It is the end of the day, it is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow. That's not bad, is it?\nPacker: That's great.\nDwight: Pretty good.\nNellie: Well thank you. This is very helpful feedback. [Dwight raises his hand] Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP.\nDwight: [laughing] That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like 'oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?' Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.\nNellie: I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.\nDwight: Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-\nJim: Catching butterflies.\nDwight: That's a hobby, unless it's for food.\nJim: Theater.\nDwight: Waste of time.\nJim: Dragging.\nDwight: That's just a verb.\nJim: Dragging sticks.\nDwight: Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks.\nNellie: Alright, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just' you three, no.\nPacker: Not good enough (clicks tongue)\nDwight: English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. [British accent] You're crap. You're wonderful. [back to American] They're mean, but they're incisive.\nNellie: Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it compulsory.\nPacker: I'll be there at 6:00\nCathy: Ugh, we're gonna have one of those crazy nights, aren't we? Maybe we'll see the real 'Talla-nasty' we've been hearing so much about.\nJim: Talla-nasty', very clever.\nCathy: Thank you-\nGabe: Wait, wait, you think she invented 'Talla-nasty?' [chuckles] no, no, no, no'\nJim: Cathy? It's been great. Fun, normal. [in voiceover] I thought I was gonna be hanging out with stanley on this trip, but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon.\nStanley: My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? [Jim slowly slinks down in his seat, with the 'Jim Face']. Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no?\nAndy: Okay, everybody. 5:00. Workday is over. Put your pencils down. Aaannnnddd bring 'em back up, because now, the late night work jam begins!\nPam: Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard, we are good to go!\nAndy: Say what?\nPam: We are good to goooo!\nAndy: Say what?\nPam: We're good to goooo!\nAngela: Stop it.\nAndy: Say-\nAngela: Stop it.\nOscar: Andy.\nAndy: Tonight we're staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip.\nPam: Yes, of course, we could've just been doing this the whole time, but SOMEONE dropped the ball.\nAndy: 'ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.\nPacker: Jason Bourne would kick Bond's ass.\nNellie: Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government's out to get him.\nDwight: Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children ' What? it's true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder)\nPacker: Okay, drinking game. Count of three, take three sips.\nDwight: That's a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback.\nGabe: What happens if you're the hunchback?\nDwight: Oh, you get kicked.\nJim: How many buttons do you have?\nDwight: (takes out bag) 40. Always.\nCathy: Can I see?\nDwight: Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy)\nCathy: So, I get to kick you now.\nDwight: No, they're not transferrable just 'cause I handed 'em to you.\nCathy: Well, that's how I played it in college.\nJim: College rules (Cathy throws Jim the bag and Jim kicks Dwight)\nDwight: Aah!\nPacker: Aaaaand he host at his own lame game.\nNellie: Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit.\nPacker: Thank you.\nRyan: I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please.\nErin: And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup.\nWaitress: Sorry, no waffles.\nErin: Oh, okay. Just forget it, then. Forget it. Forget it.\nRyan: A waffle?\nErin: A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy?\nRyan: No.\nErin: I'm moving down here, you know.\nRyan: Oh, no, I didn't know.\nErin: I'm young, and I can ' and if I can't, I'm still pretty young. I guess I'll always be young.\nRyan: You come with me. We're gonna get you that waffle.\nRyan: Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka-who run at her? (Erin walks over) Hey.\nErin: Hey.\nPam: Watson carpet and tile.\nKevin: One order.\nOscar: Order reference number 00983-126.\nPhyllis: Eight Cases, bright white inkjet.\nAngela: Paid.\nKelly: I'm dying!\nDarryl: Processed.\nVal: And delivered.\nKelly: Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sorta feel out what the situation calls for.\nNellie: I will be right back.\nPacker: I will be here.\nDwight: Hey. I see what you're doing. It's futile. the VP position is mine.\nPacker: Oh, please, You're through. She's going to give it to me as I'm giving it to her tonight. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. [clicks tongue, whinnies]\nDwight: Well, saddles' [clicks tongue, whinnies] ' sometimes fall off, especially if you don't properly cinch the girth.\nPacker: What? That's a joke, right? You see the way she's all over me.\nDwight: If anyone's having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it's me, and I'm not joking at all. If you don't tighten your saddle, you may fall off.\nAndy: Who is ready for dinner? 'oh, I bet it's pizza, or tacos, or something stupid'. No. [claps] I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves' [takes foil off tray] [Jamaican accent] A Jamaican feast, mon!\nPhyllis: If I wanted Jamaican food I'd just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.\nAndy: Additional trivia factoid, this food comes to us through Val. And our server is none other than Brandon, her boyf!\nVal: Hey.\nBrandon: How you doing, Val? [Val and Brandon kiss]\nOscar: Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there. Crazy stuff.\nBrandon: Oh no, I'm not actually Jamaican.\nOscar: Terrific.\nDarryl: What's up man? I'm Darryl.\nBrandon: Darryl, I heard about you. You doing good?\nDarryl: Oh yeah.\nBrandon: Must be doing real good since you're f***ing my girlfriend.\nEveryone: Whoa.\nKevin: Dude, you didn't tell me you were f***ing Val. High five!\nDarryl: I'm not sleeping with your girlfriend.\nVal: Brandon, what the hell are you talking about?\nBrandon: Don't play dumb with me. I know what's up.\nVal: Honey, I am not sleeping with-\nAndy: Heyyy' let's get back to the food. Brandon, tell us about these delicious looking goops!\nBrandon: Hope you all like goat.\nAndy: Goat'\nNellie: Blow in my ear.\nPacker: Alright.\nNellie: Like I'm on the beach.\nDwight: [imitates seagull calls] Seagull. [Continues seagull calls]\nNellie: And a wave crashing' a wave crashing.\nNellie: Oh, that is lovely.\nJim: Alright, that's gonna do it for me tonight. Have a lovely evening.\nJim: Hey, how's it going?\nCathy: Hey, uh, good. Uh, the heating system though in my room is all messed up. It's like 90 degrees in there. Maintenance is working on it. Can I hang out here?\nJim: Uh' yeah, I'm just watching basketball.\nCathy: Okay, yeah.\nJim: Okay.\nCathy: Cool' [Jumps onto bed] Is this March Madness? I love March Madness.\nJim: Oh, no, that's not this 'cause that's in' March. Uh, this is just the NBA. Professional. Miami Heat, actually, so' [sits on floor]\nCathy: LeBron James.\nJim: Yes, nice. Good word association\nCathy: [giggles]\nNellie: Impressive.\nDwight: Oh please, anyone can tie a knot, the real skill is in untying it [puts string in his mouth]\nAndy: Thornwood Wholesalers.\nKevin: One order.\nBrandon: I read the text you sent to Val, man.\nVal: That's messed up.\nAngela: Is this spicy?\nBrandon: No, baby girl. It would be messed up if I didn't find anything, but I did, so-\nAndy: I'm pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text, it was about some paper emergency or something.\nBrandon: At midnight?\nAndy: ' yeah'\nKevin: It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery'\nKelly: Guys, we're not gonna settle anything this way. I think we just need to be grown-ups here.\nAndy: Thank you.\nKelly: I thin we're gonna need to here those texts.\nAndy: Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before?\nKelly: No. There's no way in hell I'm leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life, I am staying here. Darryl, read the texts.\nJim: Yup, coming. [opens door] All right.\nStanley: My mini bar is oddly out of rum.\nJim: We have plenty.\nStanley: Oh, hello. [laughs with Cathy]\nJim: Do you want to watch the game with us? We're watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game.\nStanley: Got it. Good night. Careful Jim, it gets easier and easier.\nJim: No, no, no, Stanley.\nStanley: mm-hmm. [about to leave]\nJim: Stanley. Stanley.\nStanley: uh-huh.\nJim: Stanley. Uhh' you know what? Just bring back those bottles!\nErin: Whoa. the lights are still on.\nRyan: Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off.\nErin: I like how guys just know stuff all the time.\nRyan: Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay? And nobody knows more than you. Especially me.\nErin: [gasps] Hello, waffle iron.\nRyan: Hello, what do we have here?\nErin: Okay, so the recipe says we need a mixing bowl'\nRyan: Right.\nErin: ' a measuring cup'\nRyan: Got that. [Metallic thud] Get down.\nErin: [whispers] It's the fuzz!\nRyan: [whispers] Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.\nDarryl: I got too much ice cream. You want some?' 'Getting' my fry on.'\nKelly: Boring.\nDarryl: Uh, 'The moon is huge tonight.'\nPhyllis: Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry.\nDarryl: That's regular text talk.\nBrandon: You forgot one.\nDarryl: You're such a great friend.'\nBrandon: With the dots.\nDarryl: You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot.'\nKelly: Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means 'to be continued', four dots is a typo, but five dots means 'Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.\nEveryone: Oh'\nBrandon: See? Yes. Thank you, sister.\nVal: Brandon, Darryl and me? That's ridiculous, right?\nDarryl: Yeah, totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I'm stranded on shutter island over here.\nNellie: You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit.\nDwight: You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree? [cell phone rings] 'ahhmmm' excuse me' What?! Not now, I'm busy.\nJim: [on phone] I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to know that I saw a bedbug in my room. But, never mind, sorry to interrupt.\nDwight: Wait wait wait wait, bedbugs? Oh no' Freak, I need a favor.\nGabe: Well, then you have to call me by my name. Gabriel Susan Lewis.\nDwight: I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie.\nGabe: What's in it for GSL?\nDwight: You really want Packer as your boss?\nGabe: Got it.\nDwight: If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.\nDwight: Where did you see it?\nJim: In the bed.\nCathy: I haven't seen anything.\nDwight: We gotta find it before it eggs. [pulls sheets off bed]\nCathy: Jeez'\nDwight: Describe it.\nJim: Brown, shiny, painful bite.\nDwight: Could be a bat weevil' Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?\nJim: Stressed, but to be fair, it was a tense situation.\nDwight: Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?\nJim: So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this.\nDwight: Pshh. That's a bedbug.\nJim: Yeah.\nDwight: Everything's a joke.\nJim: I know.\nDwight: Check your hair! [checks Jim's hair]\nJim: Ow.\nDwight: God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this.\nJim: Just check it.\nDwight: You are clean. Okay' One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide [starts running in place and turning up the thermostat] I am going to generate myself into a human trap. [starts to take off clothes] When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we'll see who's laughing. [dastardly laugh]\nJim: Alright.\nDwight: Yeah. [jumps into bed] Cover me!\nCathy: Is this really nessecary?\nJim: He knows what he's doing.\nDwight: Let the bedbugs bite!\nCathy: Ugh, god, I feel so gross. I have to go take a shower.\nJim: Alright, then I will catch you later' What do we do now?\nDwight: We wait. [Shower starts] Come to papa.\nJim: Oh.\nJim: I don't know, Dwight, I think maybe you should check again.\nDwight: Nope, I wasn't bitten.\nJim: Well, maybe it isn't warm enough in here.\nDwight: Oh, it's plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect.\nJim: Come on.\nDwight: If there were any in here, They would've imbedded themselves in me.\nJim: You know what? Maybe they just ate.\nDwight: No, you're good. Clean bill of health! Besides I gotta get back downstairs. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long.\nJim: Okay, they're fine. They're adults.\nDwight: No, that's the problem. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first.\nJim: Is that really how you want to get this job?\nDwight: Such a chorus girl.\nJim: Okay, Dwight' Dwight' Dwight, Dwight Dwight!' uh'\nCathy: [in a bathrobe] Is crazy gone?\nNellie: Oh!\nGabe: They don't make these cords in boot cut anymore!\nDwight: Euughh' Pathetic, huh? A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present' Hey.\nCathy: Yeah, one death by chocolate, one bananas foster' Okay, cool. Thanks' I know, I'm a pig, right?\nJim: Hmm? No.\nCathy: [giggles] Wait, this why I exercise like a fiend. Feel. Seriously.\nJim: Okay alright. [gets up] I'm really sorry, uh, I just have to say it. I'm-I'm married. I'm very happily married.\nCathy: Oh my God, what are you thinking?\nJim: um' I mean-\nCathy: I know that you're married, I sat at your wife's desk. How little do you think of me?\nJim: I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I'm-I'm I misread things. Okay, let's just go back to watching.\nCathy: Can you' without running to the other side of the room all night?\nJim: Yes, I can. [Cathy laughs] uh, all right. I'm really sorry. I think we'll just' we'll just watch. You can watch, not watch, whatever you want to do. Take another shower, I don't care.\nCathy: Okay. [Sits next to Jim.] I am so cold.\nJim: [Jim Face]\nPam: Hey, Darryl. You okay?\nDarryl: She's got a boyfriend.\nAndy: Play it cool, man. She'll come around.\nPam: No, you should go for it. I mean nothing would've happened with me and Jim if he didn't put himself out there.\nAndy: Yeah, but' My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool.\nPam: My husband would tell you to go for it.\nRyan: Hey.\nErin: Hey.\nRyan: Hey.\nErin: Hey.\nRyan: Hey, this is fun.\nErin: A lot of fun.\nRyan: I know. Can I give you a compliment? I'm really impressed by how much you've grown. Since I met you, it's like night and day.\nErin: You should move down here with me.\nRyan: Yeah?\nErin: We could be roommates.\nRyan: Really?\nErin: We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-\nRyan: Yeah.\nErin: Maybe in six months-\nRyan: [louder] Six months?' um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly.\nNellie: Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts.\nDwight: Okay' Seven, one, one, nine'\nNellie: No, no, no, not numbers, no.\nDwight: No, okay.\nNellie: No.\nDwight: Try again' Ugh, I'm still getting numbers! Seven, one, one' is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? 'Cause please stop, okay?\nNellie: Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time.\nDwight: [gasps]Wait, the numbers!\nNellie: Mm-hmm.\nDwight: oh'\nNellie: mm-hmm'\nDwight: There you go.\nNellie: I will see you in seven-\nDwight: Seven minutes. [Dwight and Nellie kiss]' Nellie, wait. Let me write my room number on the card. [chuckles]. [Dwight writes on the key card scratches it with a magnet and hands it back to Nellie]\nDwight: [in voiceover] Win at all costs, don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America, and before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.\nAngela: 1434-967, paid.\nDarryl: It has been processed.\nVal: It has been delivered.\nPam: That's it, last one.\nKelly: Andy this has been an amazing night. Epic.\nAndy: Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee'\nPhyllis: No way.\nAndy: I got Romy and Michele's High School Reunion'\nVal: Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again?\nDarryl: Sure.\nVal: Okay, thanks.\nDarryl: Hey, just so you know, me and you' I don't think that's ridiculous' Dot, dot, dot' dot, dot.\nJim: All right. Now I think it's time for you to go.\nCathy: What? Oh, Jim, I thought we talked about this. You're cool, right?\nJim: Cathy, go.\nDwight: [wearing face mask with spray chemicals in hand] Where's the bug?\nJim: Awesome.\nDwight: [sprays the bed and Cathy] Stand back!\nCathy: Aah! Stop, it, oh my god! That burns! what is that?!\nDwight: [continues spraying the bed] It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid's cart!\nCathy: [coughs and moans]\nJim: Right there! [points to Cathy]\nCathy: Oh stop it, stop it, stop it!\nJim: [coughs] Oh, big one! Big one! Really big one!\nCathy: I can't breathe!\nDwight: I think I saw it!\nCathy: Stop it! [runs out the door]\nJim: Nice job, I think you got 'em.\nDwight: You can't stay here, this place is a biohazard. If I were you, I'd just bunk with Cathy.\nJim: [Jim face]\nDwight: Second best Bananas Foster I've ever had.\nJim: Oh yeah? What's the first best?\nNellie: [at the door, unsuccessfully trying to open it with the demagnetized key card] Dwight? [knocks] Hello? Dwight?\nJim: [whispers] Is that Nellie?\nDwight: [whispers] Don't let-shh!\nNellie: Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello? [knocks] [Dwight turns off the lights] Oh, look at that. The light went off, just as I said the light went on. Hello? [knocks] Dwight? [whispers] Dwight. [Dwight eats his Bananas Foster]"}
{"text": "Dwight: Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR [imitating trumpet] and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine.\nRyan: Are you holding this chair?\nDwight: Yes.\nRyan: 'cause I feel like I'm gonna fall off.\nDwight: Yes. Yes.\nRyan: I'm not wearing the right shoes for this.\nDwight: We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.\nErin: Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening.\nErin: Hey, my name's Tabitha. I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid. Psst. It's me Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype, and it's working. There's already people camped out behind me.\nNellie: Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess. But here's the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, [cockney accent] I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than ' what's lower than dirt?\nDwight: Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.\nNellie: Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didn't even get a callback.\nJim: Which Spice Girl?\nNellie: The black one. I never stood a chance.\nJim: Okay.\nNellie: Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey.\nDwight: Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much.\nTodd Packer: Yep\nDwight: Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing ' bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a world's fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?\nRyan: When people see this presentation, they're gonna [bleep] in their pants.\nDwight: Okay.\nJim: Come on, man.\nCathy: Seriously disgusting.\nDwight: Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.\nCathy: Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea.\nDwight: Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid.\nTodd Packer: Uh'\nNellie: Uh' that is excellent.\nTodd Packer: I don't see what that gets us, but I'm a team player.\nDwight: Perfect casting, right?\nTodd Packer: Schrute's out to get me. But I'm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.\nNellie: I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.\nDwight: Speaking of pimples, let's release the BLOGGERS!\nAndy: Morning, everyone.\nKevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?\nAndy: Don't care. Tell me later.\nKevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.\nAndy: What do you got?\nKelly: Oh, my god!\nPhyllis: Do you have a black eye?\nAndy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.\nKevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?\nAndy: What?\nKevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.\nDarryl: Andy, who punched you?\nMeredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?\nAngela: Black eye, Meredith.\nKelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.\nAndy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam'\nPam: That's true.\nAndy: They had, uh' weapons.\nPam: Weapons.\nAndy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.\nPam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.\nAndy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.\nPam: Thank goodness he was there.\nOscar: Good job Andy.\nKevin: Yeah [all murmuring]\nAndy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.\nDwight: Open the gates! There's plenty for everyone. No need to panic. There's plenty for everyone!\nMan: Quit it.\nDwight: There's plenty. Don't stampede. No need to stampede, sir.\nErin: I was ahead of you!\nDwight: Okay, okay. Hey, hey. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. There's plenty of Pyramids.\nErin: Come on. I was in line before you.\nCathy: So you're a blogger right?\nBlogger: Yeah. Blogger.\nCathy: God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. I'm trying to be a good girl for once.\nErin: Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I don't want to leave yet. I haven't had so much fun since seeing' zoo-Ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla music festival. So fun.\nOscar: How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!\nAndy: No.\nAngela: Yes.\nAndy: No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police. They'll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone's business, right, Pam?\nPam: Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.\nAndy: And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area.\nAngela: Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?\nAndy: Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.\nPam: 1-8-5-0-5.\nDarryl: Guys, guys. That's so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7.\nPhyllis: Look, I don't feel safe. I think we should call the police.\nAngela: Yes.\nAndy: Exactly. We need to feel safe, which is why' Toby is giving us self defense training.\nToby: Me?\nAndy: Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?\nToby: Yeah, um... I can't believe you remembered. I do self-defense. Um, I'll go put on my cup.\nAndy: Great.\nNellie: Yes!\nBlogger: Okay.\nNellie: I wasn't really sure which one of you is Chuck.\nJim: [on phone] Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?\nBlogger: Look at that guy. He's got his Sabre phone on, and he's not even using it.\nBlogger 2: This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.\nJim: Uh, I - I gotta go. Okay.\nNellie: Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.\nDwight: Oh, no, no, no. It's good. It's really - on the Internet, it's a really - that's a really good, good, thing.\nDwight: Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?\nJim: I'm very sorry.\nNellie: We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? 'Hello. Hi sweetie. It's Jim. I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape.'\nJim: I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?\nDwight: You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! ��Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.\nDwight: Point it towards the store, idiot!\nDwight: [laughs] You know what I mean? One of these buttons is - damn it. Take over.\nDwight: Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!\nErin: We are closed! Come on.\nToby: Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Let's try it.\nCreed: [smacks Meredith's head] [screams] [runs out]\nMeredith: Ow.\nToby: That may have been my fault.\nMeredith: What the hell, Toby?\nToby: Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you're not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. 'It's all about the groin.'\nAndy: What if you're being attacked by a ' smallish man who happens to not have a groin?\nToby: I don't think that's very common.\nAndy: What if you're being attacked by a 4'11' man who is penisless?\nOscar: Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?\nAndy: Why don't we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.\nToby: Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female.\nAndy: So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?\nToby: It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker. ��You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... [everyone groans] written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.\nAngela: Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.\nToby: All right, well, let's try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesn't everyone stand? Okay, so... you're being attacked. You've got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two.\nEveryone: One, two.\nAndy: [softly] Take that, kid.\nDwight: Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.\nLady Blogger: Patty Grossman. I'm a woman.\nDwight: But you still work for Wired, right?\nPatty: Yes.\nDwight: Good! Okay. Flirt away.\nRyan: Sabre. It's time to come home.\nJim: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think ...it seemed like you were a little nervous.\nRyan: Yeah, no [bleep], Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?\nDwight: Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen.\nRyan: You know what?\nDwight: You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.\nJim: Dwight.\nDwight: I'm trying to make him feel important.\nRyan: God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.\nDwight: Um... [imitating Kelly] Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee.\nRyan: You're so ignorant. You barely know what you're talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books.\nDwight: What's a book? [giggles]\nRyan: On my God. You're so embarrassing. ��My mom would say the best stuff, though.\nJim: [ahem] You can... [slightly effeminate] You can do it Ryan.\nRyan: And you know that I'm capable of this.\nJim: You're the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.\nRyan: What did you think of the presentation?\nJim: I thought it was great, sweetie. I would just fix that one -\nRyan: Oh! 'Fix' means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink!\nDwight: Jim, get him a water.\nRyan: No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!\nDwight: Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!\nToby: Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.\nLady: Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?\nAndy: [deep voice] I think you guys might have the wrong Office.\nGirl: That's him... the guy I hit.\nDarryl: What?\nOscar: You've gotta be kidding me.\nKevin: Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?\nOscar: No, Kevin - [sighs]\nLady: What about the lady you hit with the pine cone?\nGirl: There. That chubby one.\nPam: I just had a baby.\nGirl: Yesterday?\nPam: Wow.\nLady: Apologize.\nGirl: Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your 'thin' girlfriend.\nPam: How 'bout we wait til next year after you have your kid?\nLady: You know what? Tiffy's going to college.\nAndy: [deep voice] Listen, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I guess I'll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day.\nLady: God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye.\nKevin: Bye.\nKelly: So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar - 'How to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.'\nToby: There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me.\nKelly: No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.\nDarryl: Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop.\nAndy: Oh... [Kelly laughing]\nDwight: Have you seen Erin?\nStanley: I'm on break.\nDwight: Oh God... ��Hey no! Where do you think you're going? You've gotta stay for the big presentation we've got this young wiz kid - Ryan. He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates.\nBlogger: When's the presentation?\nDwight: It's moments away. Just stay here!\nRyan: [on phone] Hey Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it's different because it's your wife? ��Well, that doesn't make any sense to me.\nNellie: How you doing?\nRyan: Don't talk to me right now. I'm sorry. I- I know you're my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face. What I don't understand is... [voice fades]\nNellie: [to Dwight] Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it.\nErin: Sorry about kicking you out. It's just, we don't want our brand associated with death.\nOld Lady: It's okay. I'll go to the Costco and search for handsome men.\nErin: You're not married yet?\nOld Lady: [laughs] Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend. He passed away.\nErin: My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and we're not really friends.\nOld Lady: Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him!\nErin: Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband.\nOld Lady: Well...\nDwight: How long has he been in the bathroom?\nJim: About ten minutes.\nDwight: Jeez! What's he doing in there? [cell phone vibrates]\nJim: Oops, that's my phone. Am I allowed to answer it or are you gonna freak out?\nDwight: Are there any bloggers around?\nJim: It's Ryan. 'I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it. I need to see my mom. I'm going home.'\nNellie: What is the delay here? Where's Ryan? Why is he not here?\nDwight: I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!\nJim: Uh...\nNellie: What?\nDwight: That's right. Will you just give us a second?\nNellie: You are gonna bloody ruin it. You're gonna bloody ruin it because you're a no-good half-assed cock-eyed...\nJim: okay.\nNellie: That's...\nDwight: Jim -\nJim: I'm not doing the Presentation.\nDwight: Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. I'm telling you... if you don't do this, [whispers] I don't stand a chance. Please, Jim.\nJim: Okay, I'll do it.\nDwight: Oh, my God. O... Kay! Go get into Ryan's costume and check out his notes.\nJim: A costume?\nDwight: Of course there's a costume! [laughs] ��Oh, this is gonna be great. There's nothing like some last-minutes changes to really energize a presentation.\nDwight: Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?\nJim: I've been in here for 20 seconds.\nDwight: Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?\nJim: I'm not wearing eyeliner.\nDwight: You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.\nJim: Time. Space. Gender. [Dwight mouthing words] There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that - the only thing that remain - the only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time - love, values, and of course, the pyramids - the strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. [softly] No, that's -\nDwight: It's true.\nJim: This... is the future, because... This is the past. I've been through a lot of issues in my life. I've seen drug addiction - unemployment. I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart, without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain. [scattered applause]\nDwight: Yep.\nJim: When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney world. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me. ��I just wanted... to go home. ��This is what the Pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world. It has a usb port. Wireless... will be available in 2013. ��You can play Anything from Chuck to Cars 2. With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything - in time... and space.\nCrowd: ahhhhhh\nDwight: Psst.\nJim: Oh.\nRyan: [image on Pyramid] Sabre... It's time... to come home.\nCrowd: [applause]\nJim: All right. ��Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night! [applause continues]\nJim: Yeah. ��Thank you. Thank you.\nToby: Okay, this isn't over. Let's stay focused, okay? ��We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but... little things can be dangerous.\nKevin: Whether it's a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity.\nToby: Okay. Good point...\nAngela: Good point? What is a tub of electricity?\nToby: I don't... I don't...\nOscar: With all due respect we know what we're defending against: a twelve year old female bully.\nKelly: I was a twelve year old bully.\nAngela: Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.\nOthers: Yeah.\nKelly: Yeah, that's not a bad idea, actually, because I have had a lot of pent up aggression.\nAngela: Thanks.\nKelly: Good. Let's go.\nToby: I don't know if this is gonna help...Uh...\nAngela: Let's go Kelly.\nToby: We should stay to maybe some more traditional models...\nKelly: You think you're so pretty! ��Well you're not gonna be so pretty come Prom time!\nToby: Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing.\nKelly: Take that! ��Not so pre-violent anymore!\nToby: Okay, I'm at what's called 'the decision point.'\nAndy: Hey, hey, hey. Kelly Kelly, Kelly... come on... Ow! God! My good eye!\nPam: [laughs] Oh boy. Oh no, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at, um, something that Cece did on the playground earlier - yesterday. This morning.\nAndy: You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby. ��I stepped in and I didn't care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, 'Where were you when the girls came?'\nAndy: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank a half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. ��I just feel good!\nDwight: Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it. ��We could have integrated more Chuck into the Presentation.\nNellie: Dwight. ��You're the vice president.\nDwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah!\nNellie: [squealing]\nDwight: Okay! Come on!\nNellie: aagh!\nDwight: Hah! Yah! [kicking and punching the air] Boom!"}
{"text": "Andy: [exiting office] Everyone stop what you're doing, I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.\nEveryone: [gasps] What?! Why is that?\nAndy: He's gone, damn it! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail and he's staying in Florida forever.\nAngela: So, he's alive.\nAndy: Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.\nAngela: Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.\nAndy: How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke [slight pause] of good fortune and he is now in a better place.\nPhyllis: If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure?\nOscar: You guys, we've gone over this, there is no treasure. [Erin retrieves the 'treasure box' and slams it down on Dwight's desk]\nOscar: When the team left for Tallahassee, Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure. [cut to Dwight holding treasure chest and telling the office 'Don't touch my treasure. Ok, you understand?'] Obviously he wants us to obsess about it. There's nothing in there. [has realization] Which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure. Oh god, I'm Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride.\nAndy: I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure. [everyone disagrees]\nOscar: I am dying to know what's in there.\nAndy: Yeah, I know, Oscar we all are but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane. [everyone turns to look at Creed]\nCreed: Hi, hello.\nAndy: [to Creed standing in front of the 'treasure box'] Now, carefully... open the box.\nCreed: [opens box, pulls out and displays contents] It's a photo of all of us.\nPam: Aw, that's so sweet! [dart fires out of box and lodges in ceiling]\nDwight: [feigning surprise] A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart, well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison. I mean, I just have to imagine. God, I'm glad he's OK though. Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all. Wow!\nDwight: [on a golf course] Well, mister ball, it's been a pleasure. Now, give my regards to hell. Da! [hits ball]\nNellie: Oh, all right! Well swung my VIP VP.\nRobert California: I am loving the chemistry between you two.\nNellie: I am so happy Dwight is gonna be working alongside me. We are a regular Archibald and his man George.\nRobert California: I bet. I'm excited.\nNellie: Trick... there's no such thing. It's not even a real English duo.\nDwight: Ah!\nNellie: I just made you look like the goat of Dover. And that doesn't exist either.\nDwight: [to Robert] You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. [Robert gives a fake laugh]\nJim: Oh, that reminds me. [reaching into golf cart] Little something from all of us. [hand Dwight a small wrapped gift]\nDwight: [sarcastically] Oh my gosh, thank you Jim, that's so thoughtful. [sets gift on golf tee] Four! [smashes gift] Oh yeah!\nNellie: He doesn't even care.\nDwight: Don't even care!\nJim: This is the last time I'll ever see Dwight. It's a weird feeling, it's, um, what's the word? It's not, it's not bittersweet. It's uh... sweet. Yeah.\nDarryl: [entering Andy's office] Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada. Want the same as last year?\nAndy: Would if I could. And I can so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice.\nDarryl: I'll put you down for shortbreads.\nAndy: Damn it.\nToby: [entering Andy's office] Knock, knock. Hey, Sasha's first year in the troops, so I'm selling cookies for her. Anyway, would you like some?\nDarryl: No. No.\nToby: What?\nDarryl: I been selling here for five years. This is my spot.\nToby: You can't claim territories. This is the only place I interact with people. Can't you sell at your church or barber shop? [Darryl looks hurt] Or chess club, or?\nDarryl: You know what? It's your first time, let's split the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know I'll just take, uh, accounting.\nToby: That's it? Yeah, well, ok. Thanks Darryl.\nDarryl: OK, great.\nDarryl: [exits Andy's office smiling] All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined and then some. [Kevin waves at him] When I first started selling cookies he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.\nErin: [entering a home carrying groceries] Hellosi, I'm home, babaloo.\nElderly Woman: [rises from chair] Oh, here let me help.\nErin: [spilling groceries] I got it. It was so busy at the store today. Really good cheese samples. I had, like, a hundred.\nErin: Irene hired me as her live-in helper. We met at the store launch. I told her I was moving here and I needed a place and it just sort of made sense. I basically do everything for her. [Erin randomly adds an assortment of pills to a weekly pill box] I run errands. I do chores around the house. I cook and clean. Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me.\nIrene: When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer. Shallow end, deep end. He does it all.\nErin: Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene. I have to talk to my old boss, Andy, and tell him I'm staying in Florida. [hands Irene a mug]\nIrene: [takes mug] Thank you. [takes a sip] Oh, what kind of tea is this?\nErin: Oh, I boiled some Gatorade.\nNellie: [misses putt] Ah. In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right, you see. We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias.\nRobert California: If I may, [assists Nellie] try holding the putter... yeah, with your wrists here. And your thumbs here.\nNellie: Oh.\nRobert California: That's right. Your little finger.\nDarryl: [approaches Kevin] Would you like to buy some cookies?\nKevin: Cookies, eh?\nKevin: [singing] Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best. And fall time thinks that it's the best. Cold time has, kind of a strut. And Valentine's thinks that it's the best. But gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth. Nothing beats the cookie season, that's the truth.\nDarryl: [Kevin scratches cookie order form and sniffs it] It's not a scratch-and-sniff, Kev.\nKevin: I know. But sometimes you still get a little something.\nToby: [to Darryl] Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin.\nDarryl: You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See you next year, sport.\nToby: No, no, no. It's not fair. What if Kevin wants to buy cookies from me?\nKevin: I do.\nToby: See?\nDarryl: That doesn't mean anything. [to Kevin] Kevin, do you want to buy cookies from me?\nKevin: Oh, I definitely do.\nDarryl: [to Toby] Huh. Hit the road, jack.\nToby: No, you hit the road, jack.\nKevin: [looking pleased] Hey guys, come on. Don't fight over me.\nToby: You know, why don't we split the order? It's only fair.\nKevin: No. Wait, no. I'm buying, I make the rules. I actually do want you to fight over me. I wanna be wined and dined and... 69ed.\nAngela: Ugh.\nKevin: Metaphorically 69ed. Ew. Perverts... no offence Oscar. [Oscar looks flabbergasted]\nNellie: Hop in, we have places to be. No rest for the wicked.\nJim: [to Dwight] All right. So... I guess this is it.\nDwight: Well, Jim, I just want to say that we haven't always got along and at times, I've even hated your guts. But...[smiles] bye, bye. I win.\nJim: [attempts to shake Dwight's hand] Goodbye, Dwight.\nDwight: [drops golf ball into Jim's open hand] Robert, race you to the clubhouse, gentlemen's bet. Woohoo! [takes off in golf cart]\nJim: Well, he's Florida's problem now.\nRobert California: I'll let Dwight have his fun. Today will not be his day.\nJim: What's that?\nRobert California: I'm gonna tank the Sabre store at the presentation to the board.\nJim: I thought you liked the store?\nRobert California: Well, the store is lovely. You created a wonderful space to showcase our product line. Great job. Cheers.\nJim: Thank you.\nRobert California: But, there's a reason we sell our products online and over-the-phone. Have you ever used Sabre electronics, Jim? [Jim shakes head] They're cheap. They're unintuitive. The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone's wives do us.\nJim: Wow. When you put it that way, I guess it does sound pretty terrible.\nRobert California: I couldn't just kill the project from the start. Jo Bennett endorsed it. Shame though, I did like Dwight.\nDwight: [from distanced golf cart] Robert! I'm gonna win, ha ha, I'm the gentleman! Suck it!\nRobert California: [to Dwight] Bravo, Dwight! Very good! [Jim looks surprised] [to Jim] Shame.\nDwight: [at Sabre headquarters] The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration, plus greater visibility, will raise Sabre [Nellie emerges from behind Dwight] [together] to the power of two.\nNellie: How did that look?\nGabe: I'm not just saying this, that was the best thing I've ever seen.\nDwight: [to Nellie] I told you.\nTodd Packer: When you guys do that whole power of two shebang, how 'bout I pop up also? I guess we'd have to say 'power of three'. Hm, actually, you know what, yeah, that actually works. [to Nellie] You'd spin off right. I'd spin off-\nDwight: You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy, write that down and print it out. It's gonna make some really good toilet paper.\nJim: [enters room] All right. There he is.\nDwight: What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?\nJim: Can I just talk to you for one quick second?\nDwight: What, your stylist ran out of 'messy spray'? [others laugh]\nJim: Um, actually it's, it's for your own good. I think maybe we should- [gestures toward hallway]\nDwight: You want to do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop 'til you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go hell. [others laugh]\nTodd Packer: Nice. [To Jim] Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willy?\nDwight: [to Packer] Silence.\nTodd Packer: Aw, I'm just trying to-\nDwight: [interrupts] I know what you're trying to do, I don't want it. [to Jim] But your face does look like the guy from Operation.\nTodd Packer: That's... that's the same guy. It's the joke I made.\nDwight: Different guy.\nJim: You know, I just think you should know that-\nDwight: [interrupts] That you look like the world's tallest hobbit. [others laugh]\nJim: Well, I tried. [gestures the meeting room] You saw it, so, it's on the record. I have a plane to catch.\nErin: Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy.\nIrene: Just open the program and type in his user name.\nErin: Can you just do it?\nIrene: [after briefly typing] Here, type in your password.\nErin: Erin123'\nIrene: That's a terrible password. And you don't 'make a video chat', you video chat.\nErin: [annoyed] All right.\nAndy: [video chat begins, Andy's head enters the screen from the side] Hello?\nErin: That's so weird. There's something wrong with my laptop. [turns laptop on its side] Oh. I fixed it.\nAndy: Oh, now mine's broken. Hang on. [turns his laptop on its side while lying on desk] Oh, there we go.\nPam: [on phone with Jim] He said, 'I did like Dwight'? He's gonna fire him.\nJim: No, no, I think it was more like, 'you know, I liked him, but I don't anymore because he did a bad job, so I'm definitely gonna yell at him'.\nPam: Robert doesn't talk like that. You have to stop Dwight from doing this.\nJim: I tried. He will not listen.\nPam: Did you actually try your hardest?\nJim: Yes... my pretty hardest. Look, you haven't dealt with him in awhile, all right. He's like super Dwight. It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight, or som- Stanley, back me up.\nStanley: Don't talk to me.\nJim: Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida. But he would back me up.\nPam: If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him. Just get the words out. That's all you can do.\nJim: OK. All right.\nDarryl: [to Kevin] What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago.\nPhyllis: [laughs] Yeah.\nKevin: That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model.\nDarryl: Thank you.\nToby: I'm, I'm not gonna comment on my personal life.\nDarryl: Look, I need this. Ok? Your daughter is a pretty little girl. Let her go door-to-door. You think people gonna buy cookies from my [hesitates] chubby daughter?\nPhyllis: Oh. [looks away]\nDarryl: Baby, if you're watching this, you're not chubby, you're beautiful. Daddy's just got to sell some cookies. And we're also gonna exercise more. It's gonna be fun.\nKelly: [to Kevin] Oh, you know what you have to do? To decide? You need to make them do things for you. And, like, buy you things.\nPam: Or have them sing that song! That the frog does in Looney Tunes.\nPhyllis: Make them kiss each other.\nMeredith: Make them kiss me. [everyone 'ew's] [Toby and Darryl look at each other]\nErin: Yes, this is too tan. This right here-\nAndy: No.\nErin: This is a tanned spot.\nAndy: I don't buy it. It, that is a freckle. That is not a tan, ok? I'm gonna have to inspect it in person when you get back here. I want you looking totally 'puerto ricania' when i see you.\nErin: Well, Andy, I'm not coming back.\nAndy: What?\nErin: I have a job here. I work for an old lady. [turns laptop to put Irene into view]\nIrene: [waves] Hello!\nErin: Andy?\nAndy: Yeah, that's awesome. That's great.\nKevin: [Toby and Darryl perform Hello! Ma Baby] This is tough. 'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star. I think I've reached my decision. I have decided... that you guys are gonna keep doing things for me.\nDarryl: No, no, no, no. It's not worth it.\nToby: No.\nKevin: No, it's not worth it? That's too bad. 'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.\nDarryl: Yeah, ok so what, you buy 40 boxes?\nKevin: Hungrier.\nToby: 50?\nKevin: Hungrier.\nDarryl: You're not talking... triple digits?\nKevin: Oh yeah, I'm talking triple digits. [folds arms satisfied while Toby and Darryl look at each other] Again. [both start performing Hello! Ma Baby again]\nDwight: [straightens tie in mirror] Showtime.\nJim: [enters abruptly] Dwight.\nDwight: You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back here. You're like an Amish return stick.\nJim: OK, great, listen to me. Listen to me. [Dwight makes funny gesture] No, no, I know. Will you just let me tell you one thing, please?\nDwight: Yes, you may tell me one thing. Wait, you want to borrow money?\nJim: Listen to me. Robert is going to veto the Sabre store.\nDwight: [rolls eyes] Jim, come on.\nJim: Dwight, he's gonna kill the store.\nDwight: Uh-huh.\nJim: And then, I'm pretty sure he's gonna fire you for it.\nDwight: Wait. [holds up fingers] He's gonna kill the store? And he's gonna fire me?\nJim: Yes.\nDwight: [smiles] That's two things.\nJim: Dwight, please.\nDwight: Nice try, Jim. Your pranks have never worked in the past and they're not going to work today.\nJim: OK, first of all, they've mostly worked, so-\nDwight: You know what? You might want to get to the airport. It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye.\nJim: Dwight, come o-\nDwight: Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a slu- Ah![Jim tackles Dwight]\nDwight: [Jim holds him back and tries to cover his mouth] Help! Help!\nJim: Gross! Don't lick my hand! God, why is there so much saliva?\nDwight: AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.\nJim: Gross!\nDwight: [attempting to break from Jim's grasp] Ah!\nJim: What? What, what, what, what, what?\nDwight: [clutching side] Oh, god! You... oh! My appendix-\nJim: I'm sorry.\nDwight: My wound hasn't healed yet.\nJim: I'm so sorry, I forgot.\nDwight: Oh, man!\nJim: You all right? You ok?\nDwight: [stops whining and charges Jim] Rrrah!\nNellie: [to Cathy] Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him.\nCathy: I don't know. He's not picking up.\nTodd Packer: Well, looks like Shnoot's a no-show. Guess he wasn't vice presy material after all. But I am. Put me in, babe. I got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggy-style. I'm your man.\nNellie: [considers and decides on Packer] Right, let's begin then. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mr. Todd Packer.\nTodd Packer: Sup?\nPhyllis: [notices Andy boxing up things from Erin's desk] What are you doing?\nAndy: I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff since apparently she's not coming back. And she didn't bother to tell anyone.\nOscar: We knew. Ryan told us.\nAndy: Ryan, why didn't you tell me?\nRyan: Thought you checker my Tumblr?\nAndy: You never update it.\nRyan: Well, I updated it.\nAndy: Does anyone else think this is weird? And like, kind of uncool, actually? To leave us without a receptionist?\nPam: We'll find another receptionist. I mean, that's easy. We'll be fine. [Andy nods reluctantly]\nDwight: [trying to get around Jim] Huh, huh, huh! [slides between Jim's legs]\nJim: What are you doing?\nDwight: I was trying to go-\nJim: Get up.\nDwight: Ok, ok.\nJim: Get up. All right? I'm not gonna let you by.\nDwight: Then you know what? I'm just gonna have to run right through you.\nJim: OK. [Dwight runs in place] What are you doing? Are you really revving up? you know that doesn't work.\nDwight: [tries to jump off wall] Jackie Chan! [falls and groans]\nKevin: [holding mobile phone up] Go.\nDarryl: [in a feminine voice] Hi. This is Alex.\nToby: [in feminine voice] And this is Sam.\nDarryl: [in a feminine voice] Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us.\nKevin: Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.\nDarryl: I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens.\nToby: Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.\nKevin: Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?\nToby: Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.\nDarryl: Forget it, man.\nKevin: What do you mean?\nDarryl: I'm out. And so is Toby.\nDarryl: This may be wrong. But there's a limit to what I would do for my child.\nToby: Yeah. I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey.\nKevin: No guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies. I'll do anything. [starts performing Hello! Ma Baby] I'm even gonna kiss Meredith. [kisses Meredith] That is... hmph... that's ah... so good. [almost in tears Meredith pulls him toward her by his tie]\nJim: [tackled by Dwight] What are you doing? No. No, no, no.\nDwight: This. Ends. Now.\nJim: This is dangerous.\nDwight: [picks Jim up] Rrahh! [both fall]\nJim: Why?\nDwight: Anything else you need to talk about?\nJim: Nope. I think that was it. [Dwight gets up and walks away]\nDwight: [looking disheveled in mirror] Once again, it's show time.\nRobert California: What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, [Dwight enters] which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution.\nTodd Packer: If I may speak to that, I have only been vice president of this project for the last half hour, so the man you want is Dwight Shrute.\nRobert California: I don't see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible.\nNellie: Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes... but not the man. You may not cancel his soul.\nRobert California: That was never on the table.\nTodd Packer: [to Nellie] Are you kidding? [to Robert] She's the queen of the whole freaking Magilla!\nRobert California: And yet Todd, it's you who's fired.\nTodd Packer: What, you, I, I can't get fired. I'm an institution. I have been at this company for 20 years. How many of you have been here that long, huh? [Dwight exits meeting room and helps Jim up]\nDarryl: [Dwight and Jim enter office] Hey, hey. They're back. [Everyone greets them]\nKelly: Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida?\nJim: Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um, wow you look great. Did you lose some weight?\nKelly: Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds.\nPhyllis: [to Stanley] Hey! Good to have you back.\nStanley: [insincerely] Good to be back.\nPam: [to Jim] Hey, stranger!\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Aw, I missed you.\nJim: I missed you. [they embrace and kiss as Andy watches on sadly]\nPam: Aw.\nAndy: I'm going to Florida to get Erin. [grabs coat, runs out, then returns] Forgot to turn off my email. It's crazy, right? It's just, when she said she was leaving, I felt so- [looks at computer frustrated] 'You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue?' Yes. I am sure. Ah, slow computer!"}
{"text": "Pam: [telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we'll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.\nKevin: Nice.\nPam: There's this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it's not - it doesn't sound cool. You just have to see it.\nPam: Well, I guess it doesn't look that cool either. But, it's been up there a long time, so it's become a pretty big deal.\nJim: Wow. It's the end of an era.\nPam: Did a good job, Buddy. Now it's time to come home.\nOscar: I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.\nKevin: When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.\nRyan: How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin?\nKevin: I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, 'Look, a balloon.'\nDwight: My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.\nMeredith: My kid didn't have a face tattoo.\nDarryl: I was still thinking of going back to school.\nJim: And I was still just a paper salesman.\nDwight: Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs]\nAll: Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause]\nJim: Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?\nKevin: oooh\nDarryl: Me.\nPhyllis: Yeah.\nDwight: Right here.\nNellie: Allow me to solve your problem, then.\nJim: Nellie\nNellie: Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?\nJim: What brings you to town?\nNellie: Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here.\nDwight: What?\nDwight: How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.\nToby: Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony.\nNellie: Mm.\nPam: What?\nToby: I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby.\nPam: You messed up saying your name?\nToby: It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.\nNellie: That one looks empty.\nJim: No, that's Andy's office.\nNellie: Oh, is it?\nNellie: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.\nErin: Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.\nAlonzo: Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers]\nErin: How are you? How's your family doing?\nErin: Bye.\nErin: Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away.\nRobert: Nellie.\nNellie: Robert.\nRobert: How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?\nNellie: So far, so good.\nRobert: Good.\nNellie: Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.\nRobert: Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?\nNellie: Mm-hm.\nRobert: Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?\nNellie: Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.\nRobert: We have a manager.\nNellie: Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.\nRobert: Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?\nKevin: Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?\nAndy: [on phone] Hello.\nRobert: Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?\nAndy: Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick.\nRobert: I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately.\nAndy: Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the...\nAndy: [standing in ocean] ...Florida Flu.\nRobert: He just hung up on me mid-sentence.\nAndy: I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.\nRobert: Not much we can do about this until he gets here.\nJim: Can't you do something about this?\nRobert: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.\nJim: #NAME?\nJim: What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?\nIrene: Erin, you got a package.\nErin: I'm in the bathroom.\nGlenn: Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label.\nIrene: Did you wash your hands?\nErin: Yes.\nErin and Irene: [screaming as Andy busts out of box]\nAndy: [singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!\nErin: Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you.\nAndy: Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.\nIrene: Where's the ring?\nAndy: Hm?\nIrene: Where's the ring, Lancelot?\nErin: Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.\nErin: Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.\nGlenn: [whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?\nIrene: [whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.\nErin: Hey... don't listen.\nNellie: So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?\nJim: I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name.\nNellie: So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m'lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager.\nPam: Robert, is Nellie our new manager?\nRobert: [laughs] This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.\nRobert: We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?\nNellie: I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.\nKevin: Hot tub party?\nNellie: Performance reviews.\nPam: How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?\nNellie: On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.\nGlenn: Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.\nErin: Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better.\nIrene: So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?\nAndy: Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know.\nErin: So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.\nIrene: I think you should leave, young man.\nAndy: All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.\nErin: You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.\nJim: Any luck?\nPam: No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.\nAndy: [on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-\nErin: Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. [Andy's phone vibrating]\nIrene: You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.\nAndy: Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger.\nIrene: You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session.\nAndy: I don't know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It's fine.\nIrene: You could put it on silent.\nAndy: I don't think it does that.\nIrene: Just go to preferences, then click '\nGlenn: [answering Andy's phone] Proctology.\nJim: [on phone] Andy?\nAndy: Jim?\nJim: Andy, where are you?\nAndy: I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the- I got the serious poops, man.\nIrene: He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.\nJim: What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.\nAndy: What do you mean, take my job?\nJim: Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.\nAndy: Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later.\nJim: Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.\nAngela: Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?\nPam: I like working here.\nJim: Dwight, should she be our manager?\nDwight: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.\nDwight: Those who can't farm, farm celery.\nJim: And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat]\nNellie: All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know.\nNellie: Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.\nDwight: I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.\nNellie: Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise.\nDwight: What?\nNellie: Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?\nDwight: There's no limit to what I think I deserve.\nNellie: Then you accept it?\nDwight: Five percent. No less.\nNellie: Absolutely not. Seven percent.\nDwight: Six percent, I know my worth.\nJim: The raise isn't real.\nDwight: Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.\nNellie: So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.\nPam: Phyllis.\nPhyllis: Pam.\nNellie: So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.\nPhyllis: Really?\nNellie: Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive.\nJim: Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?\nRobert: I am not. Huh.\nJim: Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.\nRobert: Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?\nJim: Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not- sorry.\nRobert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.\nJim: Yes.\nRobert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?\nJim: Oh, god, nature, please.\nRobert: When two animals are having sex, one of them...\nJim: [exhales sharply]\nRobert: ' is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.\nJim: Was that not the-\nRobert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.\nJim: Mm-hm.\nRobert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?\nJim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.\nRobert: My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?\nJim: No. I would've said no.\nNellie: Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.\nKelly: Oh, great.\nJim: I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that.\nDwight: No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.\nDarryl: No.\nDwight: Yes.\nDarryl: No.\nDwight: Yes.\nDarryl: No.\nDwight: Yes.\nDarryl: No.\nDwight: Yes.\nDarryl: No.\nDwight: Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off.\nDwight: [Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.\nDwight: [panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome.\nCreed: Touch me and I'll sue.\nErin: I've heard that's amazing when it works.\nAndy: Yeah, if I had my own-\nErin: Andy, I care about you and I think-\nAndy: #NAME?\nErin: No, go ahead.\nAndy: Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?\nErin: Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?\nAndy: You broke my heart too.\nErin: You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be.\nAndy: I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.\nErin: I know.\nAndy: [sighs]\nNellie: So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.\nPam: Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy.\nNellie: That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.\nPam: Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?\nNellie: Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?\nPam: Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle.\nNellie: You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?\nPam: No.\nNellie: Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.\nPam: I think... you're a witch.\nNellie: I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: 'I'm amazing.'\nPam: [drowsily] I'm amazing. [sighs]\nIrene: Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.\nErin: Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon.\nIrene: I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink-\nErin: Irene, what would you do without me?\nIrene: We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.\nErin: Why?\nIrene: He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.\nNellie: Jim, time for your review.\nJim: No, it's not, because you don't really work here.\nNellie: Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?\nJim: Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises.\nNellie: Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?\nJim: Yes.\nNellie: I'm Tinkerbell.\nJim: No.\nNellie: Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.\nStanley: And we are grateful.\nNellie: But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.\nJim: She dies.\nNellie: She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?\nJim: Let's see it. Show of hands.\nKevin: I do. [applause] Come on everyone...\nJim: All right, guys, stop.\nMeredith: I already spent the money.\nJim: How?\nKevin: Come on Jim, you're killing her!\nAll: We believe! We believe!\nRobert: Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. [applause continues]\nAndy: That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.\nErin: Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I'm sorry.\nAndy: Erin!\nErin: Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street]\nErin: Let's get out of here.\nAndy: Okay.\nErin: Let's go.\nAndy: Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.\nErin: No, I don't have any stuff.\nAndy: Like your toothbrush and stuff.\nErin: I don't have one.\nAndy: You don't have a toothbrush?\nErin: No.\nAndy: How do you not have a toothbrush?\nErin: I just... there's always one around.\nAndy: You just use whichever one is sitting there?\nErin: I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?\nAndy: Of course. I own my toothbrush.\nNellie: I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random."}
{"text": "Pam: Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?\nJim: Oh, great. [reads] 'Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy.' Oh that's not good.\nPhyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.\nPam: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.\nJim: Stanley doesn't have a moustache.\nPam: Yeah he does.\nOscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.\nPam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?\nPhyllis: Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.\nPam: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!\nJim: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?\nAngela: Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.\nPam: Okay, which one of these looks more right? [holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]\nDwight: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.\nGabe: [bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?\nJim: Okay, quick. Who says moustache? [Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]\nDwight: Yep.\nJim: Who says no moustache? [Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]\nGabe: [reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!\nPhyllis: He does have a moustache.\nDwight: Yes!\nPam: Welcome back, Stanley. [Stanley grunts]\nRobert: Good morning, Robert,' says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. [no one responds] Pam!\nPam: Oh! [takes out earbuds]\nRobert: Is this a video conference you're having with 'Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz'?\nPam: Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.\nRobert: People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-\nNellie: Sorry, sorry, everyone, I'm late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness.\nRobert: [laughing] Nellie, really, nine fifty?\nNellie: Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze.\nRobert: Ah.\nNellie: Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!\nRobert: [laughs] I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.\nNellie: Ah ha!\nRobert: I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.\nNellie: Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it.\nRobert: No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life.\nNellie: Well, yes, uh... there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?\nKevin & Meredith: [in unison] Yes.\nNellie: Ugh! I hate that! No offense.\nKevin: None taken.\nOscar: Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.\nNellie: oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless!\nStanley: Who's a native?\nNellie: Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. [everyone groans]\nOscar: What does that mean?\nDwight: Okay, okay.\nNellie: If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?\nRobert: Nellie?\nNellie: Yes, Robert!\nRobert: You're clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in.\nNellie: Yeah.\nRobert: Let's help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place.\nDwight: Why Jim?\nRobert: The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community.\nPam: I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?\nJim: I'm sorry, we're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment.\nPam: I'm still not sure why this woman is even here.\nJim: Why is she here?\nAndy: [sings] Two crazy kids on the journey of life.\nErin: [sings] Going to Pennsylvania.\nAndy: On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania.\nErin: Oh. That must be nice.\nAndy: Mm-hmm. It's a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy.\nErin: Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents.\nAndy: Oh. Hmm.\nAndy: [sings] Time to have a little kiss!\nErin: No.\nAndy: Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official.\nErin: Yes.\nAndy: I believe in that.\nErin: Yes. So do I.\nAndy: I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important.\nErin: Important.\nAndy: Mm-hmm.\nPhyllis: I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her.\nPam: I know, right?\nOscar: She's always late, she's always rude...\nPhyllis: It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.\nOscar: Yeah.\nPhyllis: On purpose.\nPam: Phyllis!\nAngela: [laughs] We should do it right here in the break room. [they giggle]\nPhyllis: Order carrot cake. [laughter]\nAndy: ...and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you.\nErin: Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds.\nAndy: Consider it nailed.\nErin: [vocalizing] I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario.\nAndy: Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know-\nErin: [whining] What?\nAndy: I just need you to know-\nErin: What is it? I didn't sleep well last night. [they laugh]\nDwight: [lifting box] Ugh! Ow.\nJim: Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door.\nDwight: Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? 'Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is.'\nJim: That was one time-\nDwight: I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.\nNellie: Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic.\nJim: [cell phone rings] Excuse me, one second. Hi.\nPam: Hey, what's up?\nJim: Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight.\nDwight: [shouting] Haulin' cube!\nJim: That's moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler.\nPam: So we're planning this party for Nellie, and we're gonna make it really bad.\nJim: Sounds like every other party.\nPam: No. We're gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card.\nJim: Oh! Hire a magician.\nPam: What?\nJim: Trust me.\nPam: [laughs] Okay.\nAndy: Wow. There's a lot of cars here. This is just weird.\nLauren: [knocks on car window] Andy! Hey, what are you doing here?\nAndy: Hey, Lauren. Look at you.\nLauren: Well, I know. Look at me.\nAndy: I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica.\nLauren: Aww! [clicks tongue]\nAndy: Why is Erin with me? That's a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totaled her car.\nLauren: Oh. God.\nErin: So, I'm Erin. Hi.\nAndy: Yep. This is Erin.\nLauren: Nice to meet you. [Erin gasps at another girl outside her window] Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here!\nErin: Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime. Should we go?\nAndy: Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just-\nLauren: Oh, Jess! [claps] Look who stopped by after his business trip!\nJessica: Andy! Hey!\nDwight: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.\nJim: Yes, you should.\nDwight: [finds shoe box] Ooh.\nJim: [reads] 'Nellie, don't open, stupid. Love, Nellie.'\nDwight: I have to see these shoes.\nJim: I doubt that they're sh-\nDwight: Oh!\nJim: Whoa. Who is this guy?\nDwight: Here's the two of them taking a hike. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend.\nJim: Boyfriend.\nDwight: Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend.\nJim: Like a boyfriend?\nDwight: You read my mind.\nJim: Yeah. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.\nDwight: Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he's a hated Italian politician.\nJim: Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup.\nNellie: [walks in] Oh.\nJim: Oh, Nellie. I'm so sorry. We were just...\nNellie: I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry.\nDwight: Why not call...\nJim: Shh!\nNellie: God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant.\nDwight: That's awful. What kind of restaurant.\nJim: Dwight!\nNellie: I couldn't afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?\nJim: I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories.\nDwight: If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick.\nNellie: Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this.\nJim: No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or...\nNellie: God, no. That's the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician?\nJim: [in the phone] You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let's give up on all this mean stuff.\nPam: What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea- everyone loved it. You don't have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you.\nJim: No, that's not what I-\nNellie: Jim, could you give us a hand?\nJim: Absolutely. Yeah. [whispers] Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It's way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me.\nPam: Oh, okay. Okay, I will. [hangs up phone]\nAngela: Pam, we have a great idea.\nOscar: Listen to this.\nAngela: We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It's gonna make everyone sick.\nPam: Or what if...\nAngela: Okay.\nPam: We discuss... [Angela and Phyllis giggle] the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. [giggling stops] Not mean.\nAngela: I knew she'd crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know.\nOscar: We're in far too deep. We can't change course at this point.\nPam: What are you talking about? Yes we can.\nOscar: What I mean to say is we don't want to.\nPhyllis: Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks.\nLauren: [pops balloon] Suck it! [cheers, applause]\nErin: Andy-\nAndy: It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?\nErin: No, uh, I'll just have some gummy bears.\nAndy: These are delicious.\nErin: But... they're penises.\nLauren: And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. [party guests groan]\nAndy: Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don't know Matthew's history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. [laughs] I don't know. I just- I don't think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don't pop that one.\nParty guests: No, pop it. Pop it! [Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer]\nJessica: Hey.\nAndy: Hey.\nJessica: Sorry. It's kind of a madhouse.\nMegan: [grabs Andy] Ahh!\nAndy: Oh! Ah, Megan.\nMegan: You are one of the good ones, nard dog.\nAndy: Aww.\nMegan: No, really. [to Jessica] Where's my Andy?\nJessica: I dunno.\nAndy: Oh, he's out there.\nMegan: Aww. Are you going to sing for us?\nAndy: Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so...\nMegan: That's not like you. That's not like you. Come on, sing! Sing!\nAndy: [singing] By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes...\nPam: Okay, they're almost here- What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? [rips down ugly photo of Nellie]\nDarryl: Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag.\nRyan: Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult.\nOscar: Plus everyone would know who you meant.\nRyan: Yeah!\nPam: No, that's a great idea. Let's have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst?\nAngela: Nobody's named Monday.\nRyan: Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember.\nPam: Cause there's someone already here named Pam.\nKevin: Shh, here she comes!\nAll: Hey!\nPhyllis: Welcome to your party.\nCreed: Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long. [plays off-tune notes]\nCreed: Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, 'Have you heard my originals? They're terrible.' They said, 'Even better.' I said, 'I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie.'\nErin: Maybe we should just go.\nAndy: No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you?\nJessica: Uh, yeah, sure. What's up?\nAndy: Uh, maybe we could talk in private?\nJessica: Uh, yeah. What is it?\nAndy: Well, first just let me say that I hope when I'm done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends.\nJessica: You're breaking up with me?\nAndy: Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now.\nJessica: Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it?\nAndy: Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I'm gay.\nJessica: What?\nAndy: I am gay, and I prefer men.\nKenny: I knew it!\nAndy: You did not, Kenny!\nKenny: You invited me to go shopping with you.\nAndy: I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I'm gay.\nJessica: Andy, you're not gay. I mean, we were... together. And you seemed pretty excitable.\nAndy: Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos.\nJessica: I can't say it doesn't make sense...\nAndy: Well... I mean, I was good at hiding it, but-\nJessica: Look, it's fine, Andy. I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything. I just... I'm just upset for now.\nAndy: Understandable. And I'm really sorry. I really am. [hugs Jessica, grunts] So... we should probably... go.\nRobert: This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.\nOscar: To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company.\nRobert: Cheers.\nNellie: Why thank you.\nOscar: Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company.\nAll: Cheers.\nAngela: Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died. [laughter]\nJim: Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with.\nCreed: We hate Pam. We hate Pam.\nAll: We hate Pam! We hate Pam!\nMagician: So we've established-\nJim: No. No.\nMagician: -that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just... disappear? [sets off flash paper]\nPam: Oh! [laughter, murmuring]\nErin: That was a really rough scene.\nAndy: Right? Rough scene.\nErin: Yeah.\nAndy: Oh... at least we can kiss now.\nErin: Oh, yeah. [gives him a quick kiss]\nAndy: You know, that stuff that I said about you to her... I did- That's just- I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time.\nErin: Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah... I feel really tired.\nAndy: Yeah.\nErin: Probably from seeing that turkey.\nAndy: Oh yeah.\nErin: When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it.\nMagician: Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?\nJim: Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer.\nRobert: no, Nellie, she-\nJim: I'll do it.\nMagician: Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. [chuckles] All right, let's uh- let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is.\nJim: [picks a card] It's the four of hearts.\nRobert: Oh, no, you-\nMagician: Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?\nRobert: [to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?\nMagician: Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory.\nJim: Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place.\nMagician: But I never could seem to figure out those knots.\nPam: That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears.\nMagician: [yells] What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-\nDwight: Okay scram, wizard.\nMagician: What?\nDwight: You heard me!\nMagician: Huh!\nRobert: Well Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-\nNellie: Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?\nRobert: Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party.\nKevin: You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?\nErin: What? Why are we-\nAndy: I just gotta do one thing. [leaves car, knocks on door]\nMegan: Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who's here.\nJessica: What are you doing here?\nAndy: Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay, I'm in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she's right there. She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material.\nMegan: Why the hell did you come back here?\nJessica: Go away.\nKenny: Get lost!\nWoman: Get out!\nAndy: Okay.\nLauren: You're done!\nAndy: Bye guys.\nLauren: Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? [Andy and Erin run to the car] Yeah, run away!\nKenny: You're disgusting!\nLauren: I can't believe you're not gay! [Andy and Erin kiss]\nKenny: Yeah get out of here.\nVarious: Don't come back. [someone throws food at the car]\nErin: Uh-oh! [laughs, they drive away]\nVarious: You don't even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car!\nPam: Hey Hank.\nHank: Yes ma'am.\nPam: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician.\nHank: Yes ma'am. I got my eyes open.\nJim: Well, turns out he actually made it up there.\nHank: What? That ain't right.\nPam: Yeah, he came and went.\nHank: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? [Pam nods] You don't think he could've used... it couldn't have been...\nPam: Let's just- let's go.\nJim: Night-night."}
{"text": "Phyllis: Whoo! Wow, it is raining cats and dogs out there. Holy moley.\nJim: Phyllis says the same twelve clich��s every time it rains. So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates.\nDarryl: So how was the drive in?\nPhyllis: Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain.\nDarryl: You don't say?\nPhyllis: Yeah. You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?\nPhyllis: Oh, the plants are gonna love this.\nOscar: Yeah.\nPhyllis: I actually sleep better when it's raining.\nMeredith: Tell me about it.\nOscar: Time's almost up. How many are left?\nPam: Just one. 'This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book.'\nDarryl: Phyllis. This rain... does it make you wanna be doing something?\nPhyllis: What do you mean?\nPam: You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?\nJim: Hey, come on.\nPhyllis: Lots of things are cozy in the rain.\nJim: And that's noon. Exactly. [others groan]\nPhyllis: I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay home, curled up with a good book. But everybody's being so nice to me today. I'm really happy being here.\nAndy: [singing] My girlfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble-\nAndy & Erin: Hey la, hey la...\nAndy: ...my girlfriend's back!\nErin: [simultaneously] ...his girlfriend's back! [others cheer and applaud]\nAndy: Anyway, I know it's the end of the day. We just wanted to stop by and say hi.\nKevin: Welcome home.\nErin: Thank you.\nAndy: Hey, Kev.\nKevin: Yeah.\nAndy: Nice sweater.\nKevin: [wearing a Cornell sweater] Thank you. Nellie was nice enough to give it to me. She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets.\nAndy: What happened to old salty?\nDwight: Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.\nDwight: I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter.\nAndy: Okey dokey. [knocks on door]\nNellie: Yes?\nAndy: Whoa. Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about. I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about.\nNellie: Oh yes.\nAndy: I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence.\nNellie: You are most welcome.\nAndy: Anyway, now that I'm back, I would love to have my office back, whenever you get a chance.\nNellie: No.\nAndy: Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all this stuff out of here. But, you know, the sooner the better.\nNellie: Mm-hmm.\nAndy: Get back to normalcy.\nNellie: Hmm, no.\nRavi: ...and then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby. [Pam, Jim and Kelly laugh] But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call.\nPam: Oh my gosh, thank you so much. But seriously, we don't want to bother you any more than we already have.\nJim: That's it.\nKelly: It's no bother, you guys are our friends.\nPam: Ravi, our amazing pediatrician, was asking us if we knew any girls and I said I know the perfect girl.\nJim: Yep. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh, that's it.\nPam: Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together.\nPam: [talks over flashbacks] Kelly has been a handful in the past.\nKelly: [cries, slams fist on desk] Why?\nPam: [Ryan and Kelly make out in the nook] But she's had a bad influence. She's like an addict. [Ryan and Kelly argue] And I just had to get her clean.\nKevin: [Ryan and Kelly make out on Oscar's desk] Get lower.\nRyan: Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.\nJim: Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do NOT shake the baby.\nRyan: Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that.\nPam: Don't shake our baby?\nRyan: Yeah.\nPam: Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you.\nRyan: Oh, my God.\nPam: Yeah, I'm glad you said something.\nRyan: Me too.\nRyan: Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome, if you're into Indian people. I'm not.\nRyan: Hey, um, what's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?\nPam: Yeah, they're really great together.\nRyan: Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?\nJim: That's about it, yeah.\nRobert: Nellie! You've been terrific in your interim capacity. But, Andrew is the rightful manager so if you would just give him his office-\nNellie: No.\nRobert: I'm sorry?\nAndy: This is what I was trying to tell you.\nRobert: I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me. [laughs]\nNellie: Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it because then it feels so good when they finally say yes.\nRobert: You're both adults. I'm sure you can figure this out between yourselves.\nRobert: I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way.\nNellie: I'm gonna count down from five and if you are not out of my office, I'm going to dock your pay one hundred dollars.\nAndy: [chuckling] Okay.\nNellie: Five... four...\nAndy: You can't dock my pay-\nNellie: Angela! Dock Andy's pay one hundred dollars.\nAngela: On it!\nAndy: Great. Five, four, three, two, one. Angela, please dock Nellie's pay a hundred dollars. Angela?\nNellie: Do you want to go again?\nAndy: Angela?\nNellie: Let's go again. Five... four...\nAndy: Ooh, she's counting again.\nNellie: Three... two... one...\nAndy: Oh, oh!\nNellie: Angela, two hundred dollars!\nAngela: You got it.\nAndy: Seriously, Angela?\nAndy: I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.\nErin: When I see him start to get mad, I just put my hand on his arm like this.\nNellie: I know what, let's go... ten thousand dollars! [Andy laughs] Five... four...\nAndy: You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless.\nNellie: Three...\nAndy: It's literally like-\nNellie: Two... [Andy runs out of the room] one.\nErin: There you go. [helps Andy in the car] Hey. we're gonna have a nice, hot date.\nErin: Hey. So last night was so not a big deal.\nAndy: Oh, yeah, I was just tired.\nErin: We both were. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self.\nAndy: Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night, like, crazy turns me on. It just didn't last night.\nErin: Really. It's not a big deal.\nAndy: Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal.\nRyan: I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you.\nKelly: Oh, those are from our weekend at the time share.\nRyan: Yeah, the fractional ownership property. [sigh] Oh, we took this one right before we got in that huge fight.\nKelly: God I don't even remember what that fight was about.\nRyan: You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked, taking those pictures of me. Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, I can send you the link.\nRyan: I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.\nErin: When you lost the manager job-\nDwight: Yes?\nErin: Did it affect you outside of the office?\nDwight: How?\nErin: I don't know what the technical term is... Penial softiosis?\nDwight: Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me. You came to the exact right person for this. No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. Never.\nErin: Oh, okay.\nDwight: Okay?\nErin: Okay.\nDwight: Washington Monument.\nErin: Oh.\nDwight: Eiffel Tower.\nErin: Okay, okay.\nPam: I saw you were getting along with Ryan again.\nKelly: He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, 'Kelly, that will be the color of our children.'\nPam: Yeah, he's so great. Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though?\nKelly: Which time?\nPam: I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I- I felt like that question was coming.\nDwight: One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So I'll keep you posted on that.\nDwight: Every day I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office. Most of it's irrelevant. But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on.\nDwight: Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that.\nNellie: What do you mean?\nDwight: Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant.\nNellie: I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood.\nNellie: Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room.\nAndy: You can't call a meeting. [laughs] But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So let's get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting.\nNellie: Okay, if you would like to take a seat we can get started.\nAndy: Oh! Can't do it 'cause I gotta run a meeting. So.\nNellie: No.\nAndy: Wanted to talk to all of you guys about [reads whiteboard] importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important.\nRobert: Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is 'impotence.'\nNellie: Which is important in its own way. So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy.\nNellie: Take a man's job, but leave him his balls.' Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie.\nNellie: This meeting is not about any one person in particular. It is a human problem.\nDwight: It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male.\nOscar: Nellie, does the person affected by this want us to help her in any way in particular?\nNellie: Oh, oh, it's not me. No, no. I've never had any problem in that arena. And I have been with several older men.\nRobert & Creed: [in unison] How old?\nCreed: Jinx. Buy me some Coke.\nNellie: Dwight told me about it earlier.\nErin: Dwight!\nAll: What?\nErin: You promised!\nKevin: Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?\nDwight: No, no, no, no, no, It's not me. I'm gonna prove it right here and now. [thrusts his pelvis]\nAngela: What are you doing?\nOscar: What is this?\nAngela: Stop that! Dwight! Stop that, stop it.\nAndy: Fine, it was me. I couldn't- I had a problem with Erin last night. Happy?\nAndy: I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didn't perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview.\nAndy: Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog?\nJim: Um...\nDarryl: Uh... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You- you're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what.\nRobert: It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating.\nAndy: Fascinating.\nGabe: I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.\nNellie: Chumbo, come on, help me out. Any problems with Little Chumbo?\nKevin: Tip-top shape.\nNellie: Oh... Stanley?\nStanley: No. Um-um.\nNellie: Creed, you are a thousand years old.\nCreed: Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did.\nAndy: Okay, so I-\nPam: Actually Andy, I think maybe we experienced it.\nJim: What happened?\nPam: That a couple of times-\nJim: Couple of times.\nRobert: Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times.\nDwight: Yeah Jim.\nAndy: Yeah Jim, get it out there.\nJim: Um... I don't... Uh, yes, that time that it was very late. Uh, we'd had sex so many times already, I was exhausted...\nPam: Okay, stop.\nJim: I was very drunk.\nPhyllis: If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was forty-two. And then when I did, it lasted 'til I was forty-four.\nPhyllis: Forty-three was ju- I got nothing done. [laughs]\nGabe: I've read- and I don't know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help.\nAngela: Ugh.\nGabe: This is just, uh- This American Life, I think I heard it on.\nRobert: No, that's absolutely the case.\nGabe: I know, right?\nDwight: You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only but I could let you rent it.\nRobert: Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life? Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share? [Creed, Kevin and Meredith raise their hands]\nKevin: Ooh, ooh!\nJim: Wow, what are we talking about?\nErin: Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking about this kind of stuff?\nToby: Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything.\nNellie: The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse, and then you stress more. And that's a vicious spiral.\nRobert: I almost didn't come in today. [laughs]\nAndy: [on the phone] Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level. I don't think you have to tell your friends anything. It hasn't been decided yet.\nNellie: Erin, on phone memos you're writing the date American style. Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional.\nErin: Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here! [throws phone] Take 'em yourself!\nAndy: Oh, and another thing! Our sex life is none of your businesses!\nErin: And Andy is the manager, not Nellie!\nAndy: Stop protecting me! I'm a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry! I don't mean to lash out at you! There's a lot coming up right now, all at once! [into phone] Dad go to hell, I'm taller than you!\nNellie: Okay, just calm down.\nAndy: You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.\nRobert: Andy, why don't you just take a seat?\nAndy: Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? [throws chair]\nErin: And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?\nAndy: And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground] And your stupid office! [punches hole in the wall] Ah!\nDarryl: He does not like that wall.\nErin: Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together.\nAndy: That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys.\nRobert: Andy, Erin, you can join us now.\nRyan: Hey, I hear you been bad-mouthing me to Kelly.\nPam: All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly.\nRyan: Well that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion. If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face.\nPam: Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before: I don't like you very much.\nRyan: Well a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.\nOscar: Oh come on, Ryan. Really? Ravi's way better.\nRyan: For Kelly?\nKevin: Yeah. Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package.\nNate: I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say, just having knowing you a short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy.\nRyan: Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem. But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it.\nPam: Oh, no, no, no.\nOscar: Oh, come on.\nPam: Read it, please. I love amazing poetry.\nRyan: No. It would cause me too much pain.\nPam: Read through the pain. Be strong.\nRyan: This poem would crush you!\nOscar: Ryan, go away! She found herself a beautiful boyfriend!\nKevin: Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous! Please leave her alone.\nRyan: You see, Kelly? Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world.\nKelly: Ravi makes me incredibly happy. And Ryan puts me through so much drama. So I guess I just have to decide which of those is more important to me.\nRobert: Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager and put you back on the sales team. I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident. I already think it's kind of funny. [chuckles]\nAndy: No.\nRobert: Excuse me?\nAndy: I'm saying no.\nRobert: Well you can't say no.\nAndy: No.\nPam: [sees Ryan on the horse] Oh, boo! Boo! Boo to you! Boo!\nRyan: You are toxic! You are toxic!\nPam: Boo!\nJim: Hey, hey. Okay.\nRyan: Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, so please don't interrupt.\nKelly: I wasn't going to interrupt.\nRyan: Well you do a lot, so just don't. Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated. But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably.\nPam: Barf! Ugh, you suck!\nRyan: What is your problem? [to horse wrangler] Hey, hey, hey, can we turn this back around quickly, please? This is very important to me.\nWrangler: Turn around. Turn around. Turn around!\nRyan: Can we turn this [bleep]-ing thing around? Thank you.\nWrangler: She don't wanna turn around.\nRyan: Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly.\nKelly: Ryan.\nRyan: Will you roll those dice with me?\nKelly: You mean so much to me. But, I love Ravi and I choose him.\nRyan: No you don't.\nKelly: I do.\nRyan: No you don't.\nKelly: I hope we can still be friends. Can I have a hug?\nRyan: What? [they hug]\nKelly: That was really cool. [they make out]\nAngela: Ugh. Eww!\nJim: Well, it's good to see Kelly's maturing.\nAngela: Oh God!\nRobert: Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.\nAndy: No.\nNellie: It's the apology. I really have to insist.\nAndy: [British accent] No.\nNellie: Stop saying no.\nAndy: No.\nRobert: Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say?\nAndy: No.\nAndy: I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive.\nErin: Here- [grabs the box Andy's holding]\nAndy: Ah- da, da, da, da. I got it.\nErin: But you hurt your hand.\nAndy: I... Got... It.\nErin: Right now?\nAndy: Yes.\nPam: You're not the least bit curious to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul?\nJim: Not at all, can we go?\nPam: Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches.'\nJim: Second line.\nPam: He is a drifter out to sea.'\nJim: And when the Indian Ocean calms, one speck of white remains in waters cold and Kelly green.'\nPam: It's just so dumb. [chokes up] But when he describes himself as a child, lost on the life raft...\nJim: Uh, Ryan can never know."}
{"text": "Ryan: [pacing back and forth.] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no.\nPam: Okay fine. Ryan, something the matter?\nRyan: Smokey's dead.\nPam: Smokey, the bear?\nRyan: Smokey Robinson Pam. He died like an hour ago, I guess I'm the first to know.\nJim: Wow That's terrible, I really liked him.\nRyan: Oh you liked him? That's nice. Did you like when he changed the course of American music like two or three times? Did you like that tracks of my tears is maybe the last true love song ever written? I'm glad you liked him Jim. I am completely devastated right now.\nJim: Well, I second that emotion.\nRyan: Huh?\nNellie: I know a few of his songs, but what were his big ones?\nRyan: Oh God, Nellie! What wasn't his? I mean, um, 'Tracks of my Tears'?\nNellie: Yeah\nRyan: Um... God, so many, Nellie!\nPam: No, no, no, 'Tracks of My Tears' and what else? What are some more? What's one more?\nRyan: Okay, I'm not... I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today.\nPam: I don't think you love Smokey Robinson. I think you're just doing all of this to prove how deep you are about music\nRyan: Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles.\nDwight: You don't like the Beatles?\nRyan: That's... That's not the point!\nDwight: Eleanor Rigby? Paperback writer?\nRyan: Okay, you know, you always think you have time to see these legends before they go. What was I so busy doing?\nOscar: It says here this Smokey Robinson dead thing was a hoax. It's on CNN as of two minutes ago.\nRyan: Okay well, that's a relief!\nJim: Wow! Look at that! It says he's actually playing State College. That's only three hours away!\nPam: Oh my God, Ryan! That's perfect! You have to go!\nJim: Tickets are 250 bucks.\nPam: 250 dollars is nothing to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan.\nRyan: Yeah... Who's opening?\nJim: Paul Anka.\nRyan: Paul Anka?! How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that? I don't think I can see this.\nJim: Okay, you could just show up late though.\nRyan: How much is parking, like 30 bucks? That's not what Smokey would have wanted. Does want.\nPam: Tears of a clown!\nRyan: Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that!\nDarryl: Looking good, RC!\nRobert: Ugh, I hate ties! I feel like I'm being strangled like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84. The red room say? Or Dominick's?\nAngela: Robert! The senator was going to wear dark brown tonight... I'm sure it will be fine.\nAngela: My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight for local dog shelters! Robert California bought two tables for everyone here! These people were lucky to get seats because it is going to be a who's who of the northern 22nd district!\nDwight: I don't want to alarm people, but there is a distinct chance that we are all about to be killed\nJim: Well, as long as you don't want to alarm people...\nOscar: What's going on?\nDwight: There is a disgruntled ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot.\nErin: Oh that's Andy. He's just hanging out\nDwight: That's how workplace tragedies always begin. A middle aged white male 'hanging out'. Call the cops!\nPam: Dwight, I don't think he's going to hurt anybody.\nPhyllis: How do you? I mean, why do you think he's there?\nDwight: I don't even know what kind of weapon he has. Could be a knife, could be a gun. Could be a series of guns all lined up to shoot parallel. I'm going up to the roof. [Grabs bag.] And I'm gonna bring my gym bag just in case.\nNellie: I knew this would happen! Everybody told me if I moved to America, I'd be murdered.\nAndy: Hey!\nErin: Hey, just wanted to say hi and hear you say everything is normal. Maybe video tape you saying that so that everyone upstairs can see.\nAngela: We think you might kill Robert.\nAndy: What?\nKevin: because he fired you which means apparently you're living in your car now.\nAndy: guys, everything is fine! I'm just here to pick up Erin. We're going to the Fundraiser.\nPam: Oh, great! That sounds good!\nKevin: Wait, what? You're going to the fundraiser tonight? That's going to be weird.\nAndy: Why would that be weird?\nKevin: It's going to be super weird, he just fired you last week.\nErin: Andy's just coming as my date.\nKevin: Hey, I hear you! I hope you're right. It just seems like it's going to be really, really weird.\nNellie: [hears knocks on door.] Come in!\nDarryl: You really re-did Andy's office, huh?\nNellie: Yes, cut out the clutter. Very simple, very minimal.\nDarryl: I need you to sign these, we got a shipment going out.\nNellie: How are things in the warehouse?\nDarryl: You could go downstairs and ask them?\nNellie: The warehouse isn't downstairs? [laughs.] Is it? Is it?\nDarryl: Who knew, right?\nNellie: [speechless.] I...\nNellie: Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I go from casual work friends to actual good friends. The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me.\nAngela: Robert, the senator and I wanted to stop by and say hello.\nAndy: Hello! Did anyone order a blast from the past, with a side order of sexy?\nKevin: Oh man, this is weird!\nRobert: Andrew. [Robert extends his hand.]\nAndy: Oh, Wanna shake my hand, huh? Cause I want to shake your body! [hugs Robert and laughs.] I had you, I had you!\nAndy: [points back and forth at the multiple cameras] Where do I look? It's been so long since I did one of these things? Okay, alright! What's the question? How am I doing? Umm... Great!\nKevin: Creed, I just bid twenty dollars on six Jiu-Jitsu lessons. No one's raping this guy!\nCreed: Well, I don't want to get raped [picks up clipboard] Twenty-Two!\nKevin: No! It was my idea to not be raped!\nDwight: [Dwight enters] Wait, you think Jiu-Jitsu classes cost $22 [grabs clipboard.] If you're going to guess the price, you might as well try to be halfway accurate. $180!\nKevin: Whoa, Dwight, I don't think you understand.\nDwight: You guess the price, you win the prize. Have you never been to a Quaker fair before? God!\nKevin: So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions. I guess he's the stupid guy in the office, huh? Up till now, we didn't have one!\nAndy: What haven't I been doing? Gosh, just today I was working on this rock opera that I'm writing, though it feels more like I'm receiving it than writing it.\nJim: Wow, that's exciting! But until you firm up the idea, you might want to keep it between us.\nAndy: The hero lives in this dystopian future and he flies around in a spaceship that's shaped like a treble clef. And he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil.\nPam: Sounds like you're doing alright.\nAndy: Ehh, a little better than alright, actually. Really good!\nRyan: Oh, this guy is having a breakdown.\nSenator: You know, Oscar, I really had no idea you were so passionate about animals.\nOscar: my dog Gerald is my life.\nSenator: really? Well, if you want to get involved, call me. This is my cell. I'm more likely to pick up night, say after 9... Excuse me. [Walks away.]\nOscar: This confirms three things: I'm right about the senator, I still got it, and poor Angela.\nRobert: [telling story to Nellie.] I stepped in right away and start-\nAndy: Bobby! Bobbo! You're a rock opera guy, right? You like rock operas?\nRobert: Well...\nAndy: You gotta check out this thing I'm working on, it's really cool. There's this character Thomas Oregon, and he wants to destroy all the guitars in the world because he realizes that music is the one thing he can't control.\nRobert: So, Thomas Oregon is an evil figure?\nAndy: Evil! [chuckles.] although he's humanized in the end because he weeps uncontrolably and pees in his pants.\nRobert: and the hero, who's that based on?\nAndy: Me, I guess. [sings.] We're flying so high, we're crackin' the sky! Gonna fly out of this dome my girlfriend and I!\nMeredith: Hey jabroni. Show some class.\nStanley: She's right, Andy. you're being a jabroni\nAndy: You're being a Thomas Oregon!\nRobert: Andrew, I think this may have been a bad idea. Why don't you let me pay for you and Erin to go out to a great romantic dinner tonight?\nAndy: Don't need you to pay for me. I'm doing just fine, thank you. Why don't you quit harshing our mellow?\nRobert: Andy you should leave. Now.\nAndy: [to Waiter.] Excuse me. I would like to purchase two seats at another table, please.\nWaiter: I'm sorry, the tables are sold as complete units.\nAndy: then I'll take a table!\nWaiter: Okay\nAndy: And a high five! [Raises hand, misses high five with waiter.] Oh, let's do this again!\nAndy: [waiter is cracking pepper into Andys salad] Oh, yes indeed... When! [Waiter begins walking away.] Whoa, whoa, whoa! You forgot a few salads! [waiter peppers another salad.] When!\nOscar: I stumbled into a very dramatic situation. Angelas husband just hit on me!\nPam: Oh my god!\nOscar: I know!\nJim: Wait, what? Come on!\nOscar: We were talking about animals, he gives me his cell phone number. He was just dying for me to have it.\nJim: Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying you're not dreamy, because you are, but isn't it possible that he was just schmoosing a voter?\nOscar: Well, if you would have seen the look he gave me, he wanted to run more than just my vote.\nJim: Okay, what was this look? [Oscar does the look.]\nPam: Whoa!\nJim: What happened, did he do it?\nPam: Are you- Twice! For real?\nJim: Okay guys, not every glance means something, alright? Life isn't Downton Abbey.\nPam: Life is Downton Abbey.\nJim: Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go over there and I'm going to talk to him and I guarantee you he gives out his cell phone to everybody.\nDwight: [on phone.] How much do you guys charge for a one full year gym membership? Thank you!\nDwight: It's $475! Like candy from a baby!\nAndy: Hey... David Wallace!\nDavid: Andy Bernard!\nAndy: Hey, how are you?\nDavid: How you doing, I'm great! How you doing, are you still with Dunder Mifflin?\nAndy: No, got canned last week.\nDavid: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.\nAndy: No, best thing that ever happened to me.\nDavid: That's the attitude to have. You know what, when I got canned, I was lost, right? I poured myself into this ridiculous vacuum for toys called Suck-It.\nAndy: Yikes!\nDavid: Yeah, exactly right? Then suddenly out of nowhere, the US military bought the patent from me for twenty million dollars! The point is, forget those guys, k? Move on! Good to see you, Andy!\nNellie: Call me a lame man, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers... Or Oreos... Or a pizza pie or, what's another food that we like?\nDarryl: Tacos.\nNellie: What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos right now!\nDarryl: I can go get us some tacos.\nNellie: Brilliant!\nDarryl: If you loan me some money.\nNellie: Yes, I can do that. For, um, for two tacos, we'd probably need about what 20... $20? Or $25? $20?\nDarryl: $30.00\nNellie: $30, yes!\nNellie: I've never eaten a taco. I'm not entirely sure what they are. As long as they're not slimy, and please god don't let them have eyes!\nOscar: [Jim shakes Senators hand, returns to table.] So?\nJim: Boom! [hands Oscar a business card.]\nOscar: This is interesting.\nPam: Hm-hmm.\nJim: what is interesting? I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.\nPam: Or you proved that he thinks you're gay.\nOscar: He does not think Jim's gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.\nPam: Well, a gay man would not leave the store wearing those shoes!\nJim: Oh, hey! you bought me those shoes!\nSpeaker: Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight, we are very proud to introduce a great philanthropist and a great guy. Robert California!\nRobert: Thank you. Why do we love dogs? Want me to tell you why? There is no answer. Our love for them confounds reason!\nAndy: can you believe this guy?\nRobert: The state senator, Robert Lipton, loves dogs. he asked me if I loved dogs. you know what I said? Yes! [laughter.]\nAndy: Not a joke. That was not even a joke.\nRobert: Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years. when her owner passed away she came to this organization for placement. But people don't often adopt older dogs, so Bella and eleven heroes like her are being cared for by our generous volunteers because frankly nobody else will\nAndy: I will! I will take all of those dogs!\nRobert: Andy, that's very kind-\nAndy: No, no, no. This guy can talk and talk all he wants, but it's not that complicated.\nRobert: Andy why don't we discuss this at a-\nAndy: No, no, no, it's about being there for someone after it's become inconvenient for them to be around. Hello everyone, I am Andy Bernard and I am going to take that bitch home! That is a female dog reference. [Points at himself] This bitch understands loyalty! Sassy human reference [grabs dog] thank you, I will take Bella and every single one of her friends!\nErin: Oh God!\nSenator: Mr. Bernard, right this way.\nAndy: Okay! Hope you all learned something!\nVet: Huey is going to need this medication once every 90 minutes. You can administer it orally, but he's going to puke it up. So, other end is best. Don't split up Daisy and Mojo because daisy will start to, uh... I was going to say bark, but it's more of a scream.\nAndy: I'm so ready to love all of these animals. This one's even bonding with me already.\nVet: Uh, no. Kenny's a therapy dog. He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.\nAndy: Stupid dog.\nSenator: Well, if you would like to talk about this some more, my office is always open! So here's my office number, and my cell number.\nMeredith: Thank you!\nPam: Well, looks like he really did just want to talk about the issues. i'm Sorry Oscar.\nOscar: sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here.\nOscar: No. I'm certainly not disappointed that Angelas husband was not hitting on me. I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.\nDarryl: Tacos were on sale, eight for $3!\nNellie: Oh, great! Okay, oh... Oh, these tacos!\nDarryl: Hmhmm.\nNellie: Mmm! Uhh [Eats Taco incorrectly.] Mmmm... Oh! Hmmph!\nDarryl: She's trying.\nSpeaker: The winner of the three day trip to the sky top lodge is Dwight Schrute!\nDwight: [applause] Yes! Thank you!\nSpeaker: The yearlong membership to Scraton-Bikram Yoga is Dwight Schrute!\nDwight: [applause] Oh yes! Yeah!\nSpeaker: A one hour appointment with the kissing magician goes to Dwight Schrute!\nDwight: [applause] Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Ha, ha!\nSpeaker: Well, I think I can save us some time, Dwight Schrute has won every single item here!\nDwight: Thank you very much! All I had to do was look at the prices, idiots! Suck it!\nSpeaker: Well, Dwight, yes! You certainly are a record breaker! Your donation is the largest we've ever received at over 34 thousand dollars! [applause]\nJim: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!\nDwight: Thank you. Wow, I can't tell you what an honor it is to support this thing... And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever. But, I want to ask you something: when did it become all about the money. when did it become about the flower arrangements, and the white wine spritser, hmm? and all the dinner rolls. you people should be ashamed of yourselves! How many courses did we have tonight, two? Three maybe, if you choose the pudding? I mean what waste! these tables tarted up like Victorian whores! lets' remember we are all here for the dog society. He's what's important, whatever his name is. Not any of this. So that is going to be my donation to you. Thank you and good night! [throws microphone and runs away]\nSenator: Oscar!\nOscar: Nice to see you again, it was lovely!\nSenator: It was lovely! And don't forget to call.\nOscar: okay\nSenator: thanks so much for coming\nOscar: why does this always happen to me? Ahh! I just feel so bad for Angela\nAndy: [applying diaper to dog.] so it just goes on under here like this?\nVet: that's right!\nAndy: Ugh, oh god!\nVet: Yeah, you never get used to that.\nJim: Hey, just wanted to check in. See how you are doing.\nAndy: I am so great!\nErin: He's great. we're all great. Twelve dogs. This my life now, I'm a dog nurse.\nJim: Look at that one though, he's smiling!\nVet: Yeah, he should be! It's his first day without a muzzle.\nAndy: This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me\nPam: Absolutely, it's awesome-\nJim: Yes-\nKevin: I'm sorry, are you guys nuts? He's not doing great! He was fired! This is terrible! This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you, not the best.\nAndy: You're right. he's right, I am a mess. This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys that I'm fine. I guess I thought that if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe-\nVet: Maybe you would think it too! [silence.] I'm sorry, it's just I don't get to be in a lot of human conversations.\nJim: Okay well, Andy, listen. It's okay if you don't feel totally settled. This is all very fresh.\nPam: Yeah, I mean, admitting you need help is the first step!\nAndy: Yes! And also, focusing on the positive. Like I got a lot of good things going on!\nJim: Yeah! Like that rock opera! You could always do that right?\nAndy: Yeah, I do. I have that.\nJim: Yeah\nErin: You're going to be alright\nKevin: No. No he's not.\nAndy: Yes, I am! Thank you, Kev!\nKevin: You're welcome!\nKevin: Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. and by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!\nErin: So some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs. It's been great!\nDarryl: Pepper's been getting me out of the house, going on runs.\nKevin: My dog Ruby doesn't do anything, she just lays there all day! She's so chill.\nPam: What do you feed her?\nKevin: Well I put out Pro Bow-Wow, but she barely touches it. She's so dainty!\nDarryl: Is she sick? How are her poops?\nKevin: Doesn't really poop. It's perfect, nothing to pick up! She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl. I put on the TV for her, but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.\nPam: Does she smell?\nKevin: She smells horrible. It's unbelievable. But I don't want to put her in the bath, because I'm afraid that she'll drown.\nKevin: People seem awful interested in you Ruby. Guess they're just jealous, right! [dog licks Kevins face.] Yeah, that a girl, that a girl! Man that stinks!"}
{"text": "Gabe: Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat.\nDwight: Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don't you just take estrogen? [swallows powder] [coughs] There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? [kisses bicep] Mwah.\nGabe: I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They'd flex them all night at the discotheque.\nDwight: Oh, I bet you think it's all about core, huh?\nGabe: Yeah.\nDwight: Oh, please.\nGabe: Core's critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One ' lengthen. Two ' elongate.\nJim: Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who's the strongest? Well, there's only one way to solve that ' flat curl contest.\nJim: All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go.\nDwight: Feast on this, Lewis.\nGabe: I love the burn. The burn is where I live.\nJim: Come on, Gabe, you can't handle his hamstrings. You're getting hypno-thigh-zed.\nGabe: Speed set. One. Two.\nJim: Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows.\nDwight: Oh, thank you.\nJim: You're welcome.\nGabe: Five. Six.\nJim: Quick phone call from you guys, keep going,\nAll: Eight, nine, ten.\nGabe: We got it?\nDwight: Very funny Jim.\nGabe: Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies.\nRobert: Everyone, conference room, now. [Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over]\nJim: All right, easy there, grandpa.\nDwight: I don't need your help.\nJim: Okay. You don't need my help?\nDwight: Here, here' Just'\nAndy: Morning.\nErin: Hey.\nAndy: Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot' these.\nErin: Oh.\nAndy: You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.\nErin: Andy, if you're gonna hang out for a while, uh'\nAndy: What's this?\nErin: This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in.\nAndy: Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me?\nErin: No, of course not. It's just ' I think it's like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it's like, where does it end? So just' [puts visitors tag on Andy]\nAndy: Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they're rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it's a little much? 'Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that's what it feels like.\nJim: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game.\nDwight: Good, we have a deal?\nJim: Thanks Janet.\nDwight: Thanks so much Earl.\nJim: Wow, simultaneous sale.\nDwight: And they said it couldn't be done. Boom!\nJim: Screw 'em.\nAndy: Lot going on guys. What's happening?\nJim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.\nAndy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo.\nJim: Hey, hey, come on, language.\nDwight: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.\nJim: In the fridge.\nDwight: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt.\nJim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients.\nStanley: You two better watch yourselves.\nPhyllis: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients.\nRobert: Shh' shh' [vomits in trash can]\nJim: Robert?\nOscar: Why did Binghamton close?\nRobert: Can everyone just, please' I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and ' how should I say this ' Columbian whites. What ' what is this about, uh, Binghamton?\nKevin: The branch closed. Forever.\nRobert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now.\nNellie: I got your voicemail. From ' from last night.\nRobert: Wonderful.\nNellie: And the answer' is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. [leaves]\nRobert: Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn't hold the memories in?\nPam: Oh, it was this summer '\nRobert: Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said.\nPam: Um, I am a little busy.\nRobert: Yes, 'course. Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me.\nPam: Yeah, I can make you a list.\nRobert: Let's do it now. What's number one?\nPam: Why don't I help you now?\nRobert: There we go.\nPam: Okay.\nHarry: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute?\nErin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?\nDwight: And you are'\nHarry: Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse.\nHarry: What the hell's all this?\nAndy: Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato.\nHarry: You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one's that guy?\nJim: The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it.\nDwight: Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to ' how do I put this ' steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud.\nJim: Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money.\nDwight: Yes.\nJim: Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. [shows sketch]\nDwight: [pointing at Toby] There he is. That's Lloyd.\nToby: Me?\nCreed: Yeah, you.\nHarry: Where do you get off crossing state lines?\nToby: Now, we're actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe.\nToby: I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn't back down from anybody. And he calls people 'Kimosabe'.\nHarry: They're New York. We're New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That's the way it's always been.\nJim: There's actually not a rule that says that.\nDwight: That's true.\nToby: That's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?\nToby: No.\nDwight: Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could've choked so many people by now.\nHarry: Stay out of my state. It's in your best interest to stay out of my state.\nToby: I've seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast.\nHarry: Just stay out of New York, Lloyd.\nToby: Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. [runs outside]\nJim: How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this?\nHarry: Robert's here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don't think we were doing that.\nDwight: Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim's leg.\nRobert: Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol ' Oh.\nAndy: [Doing dishes] Sorry, not Jim.\nRobert: Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?\nAndy: Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries.\nRobert: Oh, for god '\nHarry: Robert California. What a surprise you're here in Scranton.\nRobert: Harry'\nHarry: So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place?\nRobert: How do you mean?\nAndy: I forgot, a' a pan, uh '\nHarry: No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead.\nRobert: Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There's no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems' so poorly timed.\nDwight: Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say.\nHarry: Listen, Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions '\nDwight: Don't listen to him.\nHarry: Used to be Binghamton's '\nDwight: Nope.\nHarry: I want it, it's mine.\nDwight: Prestige is ours. Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert.\nHarry: We need you to make a decision.\nDwight: Make a decision.\nRobert: I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said' [Andy walks out]\nAndy: Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. [walking to car] I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all.\nRobert: Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one.\nHarry: Is it just me or is our boss a freakin' weirdo? [stands up, walks outside] I'm gonna get some air.\nDwight: Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first.\nJim: [Gets up and looks out Nellie's office window] He's running!\nDwight: Damn it!\nJim: Damn it.\nDwight: Wha ' what is this supposed to be?\nJim: It's a monkey.\nDwight: Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose.\nJim: Hold on, hold on. Is this him?\nDwight: What?\nJim: Is that him?\nDwight: It's him! Do something! Get out!\nJim: What? What am I gonna do? I don't '\nDwight: Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. [Jim opens passenger door] That's it? Oh, that's great. That's like a five second delay.\nJim: Dwight!\nDwight: Come on, let's go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos.\nJim: Nos? You mean like in fast and furious?\nDwight: Yeah.\nJim: Oh, yeah, definitely have nos.\nDwight: Hit the nos.\nJim: Are you sure?\nDwight: Yes.\nJim: Brace yourself. 3' 2'\nDwight: Got it. Go.\nJim: 1. Here we go! [turns on wipers]\nAndy: Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O.\nReceptionist: Oh, do you have an appointment?\nAndy: No, I do not.\nReceptionist: Okay, I think I can squeeze you in.\nAndy: Seriously? 'Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you.\nReceptionist: He's really not that busy.\nMr. Ramish: Is there someone here to see me?\nReceptionist: Yes, this man.\nMr. Ramish: Come on in. [Andy walks in]\nPam: So'what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight?\nNellie: Oh. Oh, I'll tell you what he does.\nAngela: : [walks in] Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don't worry, I won't lay an egg.\nAngela: : Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? [laughs]\nAngela: : I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk.\nGabe: Did someone say girl talk?\nGabe: Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk.\nGabe: Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines.\nNellie: Do you think I'd like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish?\nGabe: Uh, I think you're gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It'll be upsetting if you don't.\nAndy: I'm a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs.\nMr. Ramish: Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references?\nAndy: No. I'm a rogue.\nMr. Ramish: Uh-huh.\nAndy: Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now' [pulls out business card] I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime.\nMr. Ramish: Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number.\nAndy: Of course they have. Which is why I'm giving you a key to my house. [gives key to C.E.O] Whatever you need ' anytime, night or day ' you just stop on by.\nMr. Ramish: You want me to drive to your house if I need paper.\nAndy: Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe' you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember.\nDwight: Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. [takes off belt, ties doors together]\nDwight: [Running] Ahhh! [Slides into elevator]\nJim: You all right?\nDwight: Yeah. [Doors about to close, hand stops them] Oh.\nJim: Ah! [Harry walks in]\nJim: [Dwight pushes button for floor two] Dwight, what are you doing?\nDwight: Go, go! Take the stairs! Now!\nJim: What are you talking about?\nDwight: Just run! Take the stairs!\nJim: I don't even know where the stairs are!\nDwight: I'll stall him. Go!\nJim: God!\nHarry: [Dwight jumping] What are you doing?\nDwight: I'm gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We'll be stuck between floors for hours. [pants fall down] Oh. [Jim runs in] My pants fell down.\nJim: What?\nDwight: My pants fell down! I don't have a belt!\nDwight: [walks into lobby] Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.\nMr. Ramish: What's going on?\nDwight: Well '\nHarry: Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse '\nDwight: I was here first.\nMr. Ramish: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.\nDwight: I already made an appointment' with your secretary.\nMr. Ramish: Let me stop you all right here. I've already picked a new paper supplier.\nDwight: Wait, it's not D.M Utica, is it?\nMr. Ramish: No, no, it's not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It's' Big Red Paper Company.\nJim: Big Red Paper Company?\nMr. Ramish: Mm-hmm.\nAndy: Yes, yes, yes!\nHarry: Give me a cup of coffee.\nDwight: Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?\nJim: All right, guys. It didn't work out for any of us, so' we're still on the same team. Let me get these.\nDwight: No. Let him get his own. It's Syracuse money.\nHarry: You know, your partner's got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating?\nDwight: Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years.\nJim: But you're saying there's a chance.\nDwight: Shut up.\nPam: [Walks into conference room] Hey.\nRobert: Hmm.\nPam: I stole Nellie's phone.\nRobert: Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.\nPam: What do you want from me?\nRobert: Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's 'yes, yes, yes, yes, never.'\nPhone: Hi, Nell, it's mom. Do keep your chin up. It can't be as bad as you described.\nRobert: Oh yes it can.\nPhone: This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections.\nRobert: Shopaholic.\nPam: Sounds like it.\nRobert: Yeah.\nPhone: Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?\nRobert: Ah.\nPhone: This is Annie from second nests. I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we're gonna hold out for that.\nPam: Okay, that's enough. [grabs phone]\nRobert: Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this.\nPam: No, no, no!\nRobert: No, come on.\nPam: Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They're all deleted.\nRobert: Pam, Pam, you've completely bungled this!\nPam: Ah. Ahh. [walks out]\nPam: Hey.\nNellie: Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal?\nPam: Um' yes. Definitely. With your hair '\nNellie: Oh!\nPam: Certainly. Um' you dropped your cell phone.\nNellie: Oh, gosh.\nPam: Yep.\nNellie: Thank you. I'm' so stupid.\nPam: No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything.\nNellie: Oh, god, Pam. Don't get me started.\nPam: No, I will not.\nNellie: You've just got me started. Robert' is' a filthy beast. I mean, don't you get the feeling, he's just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you?\nPam: Well '\nNellie: I mean, the man talks of nothing but sex.\nPam: But sometimes he talks about flesh' and bacchanals.\nNellie: I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night.\nPam: No' don't. Just put it out of your mind.\nNellie: Pam, what is your address? I'm gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don't '\nNellie: Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper.\nNellie: Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And' I have a new friend. A friend. At work.\nRobert: [Erin opens door] Erin.\nErin: There's a call for you on line one.\nRobert: Who is it?\nErin: He says salvation. No last name.\nRobert: Yeah, hello?\nAndy: [in car] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer.\nRobert: You're blackmailing me.\nAndy: It's just business.\nRobert: Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the *bleep* lizard king. [disconnects]\nAndy: Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. [gets out of car, walks to house]\nDavid: [opens door] Andy Bernard.\nAndy: You got a minute?\nDavid: Um' I'm in the middle of a piano lesson.\nAndy: I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin.\nDavid: Dunder Mifflin. [closes door] Now' why would I want that? It's worth half of what it was three years ago.\nAndy: Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.\nDavid: Why don't you come in? [Andy walks in, closes door]\nHarry: So what would you do if you weren't selling paper?\nJim: Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions.\nDwight: What?\nJim: Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine.\nDwight: How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don't even care about nationals.\nHarry: Nothing?\nJim: I don't know. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you?\nHarry: I'd like to sell one big thing, you know? Like' a plane. One sale, I'm out.\nJim: That sounds lovely.\nHarry: Anyway, Robert's gonna run this company into the ground, so' We won't be doing this in six months."}
{"text": "Oscar: [to webcam] Hello. My name's Oscar. I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I'm gay. And I'm here to tell you that yes- it does get better. When I was younger, um-\nPhyllis: What's he doing?\nDwight: He's searching out younger gays.\nPhyllis: Oh.\nOscar: No, it's just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there's a brighter future ahead.\nDwight: ...with you. [chuckles]\nOscar: No matter how hard it gets for you, eh- Kelly, seriously, I-\nKelly: Just keep chatting. I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.\nOscar: Do you not own a mirror?\nKelly: Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies.\nPam: I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things.\nKelly: I'm throwing out all my mirrors.\nOscar: Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple-\nRobert: No, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-\nOscar: It's not misleading.\nRobert: -pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity as 'normal.' It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated.\nKevin: Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin's nose] Ooh! [whimpers]\nRobert: Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God!\nDwight: You okay, Robert?\nRobert: Fine.\nDwight: Put some ice on it.\nOscar: In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Maybe- maybe not much better... but better.\nSasha: One, two, three!\nDwight: I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first I thought, 'muffin basket.' Then I thought, 'What's even more precious to people than muffins?'\nJake: Can you just smile, please?\nMeredith: I don't want to!\nDwight: ...their own children.\nDwight: Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We'd love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don't you bring by your little angel?\nAngela: No thank you.\nDwight: Jim, you've got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them.\nJim: I know why you're doing this, Dwight.\nJim: Last week, I may have gone too far. I'll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And... you can fill in the rest.\nDwight: [Jim rips off his clothes] Wha-? [Stanley laughs] Damn it, Jim!\nJim: Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious.\nDarryl: Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.\nHide: Bad economy. Bad investment.\nDarryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals?\nCalvin: They did not.\nDarryl: And you got half a million of these? Well I gotta try it.\nCalvin: I wouldn't.\nDarryl: Aw, come on. What's the harm? [makes face] Mmm. What flavor was that?\nHide: Coconut penis.\nDarryl: The coconut's pretty subtle.\nCalvin: Come on, man. Can't you just give us a yes or a no?\nDarryl: I don't know, man. Y'all quit with a lot of confidence. I mean, it was like, y'all came up in here dancing and everybody was- [sees Val] ooh, hold on a second. [sees Brandon] Oh.\nDarryl: If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn't give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.\nAndy: [wearing janitor outfit] Hi guys.\nJim: How's it going, man?\nAndy: [whimpering] I'm- I'm good, thank you. And how are you?\nJim: Great, yeah, good.\nGabe: Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.\nNellie: Oh God.\nAndy: Look, I'm not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I'm moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants...\nNellie: No, you don't understand-\nAndy: Clean the toilets.\nNellie: I don't need anyone to-\nAndy: Pull the poop out of the toilets.\nNellie: That's not even a thing.\nAndy: Just, please...\nNellie: Andy.\nAndy: Please!\nNellie: Andy.\nAndy: Give me something!\nNellie: Why don't you clean the carpets for today?\nAndy: Thank you.\nNellie: You're welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is.\nAndy: Thank you.\nNellie: You don't need to-\nAndy: I have a delicious secret.\nCreed: Good, good. This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.\nJim: Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?\nAndy: Yeah, it is actually.\nAndy: Mmm, I can't hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o'clock today he's gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager.\nPam: [enters with the kids] Family picture!\nJim: Pam? No!\nPam: What? Honey, we talked about this.\nJim: No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight's photo studio slash trap.\nPam: Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.\nJim: No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.\nPam: No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?\nJim: Nope.\nPam: We decided that there's no way Dwight would harm a child.\nJim: But are you a hundred percent sure? I don't think any of us are.\nPam: No, no.\nJim: Nope.\nPam: But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.\nJim: That's-\nPam: Yes!\nJim: That's-\nPam: And we'll make sure Dwight doesn't do anything C-R-A-Z-Y.\nJim: Okay.\nKevin: Wait, C-R-A-Z...\nDwight: Great, right up there.\nPam: Yeah?\nJim: Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: Alright. Why don't you just-\nPam: Oh, great. Thank you.\nJim: #NAME?\nPam: Okay.\nJim: This is great.\nPam: You ready?\nJim: Excuse me.\nPam: There we go.\nJim: Just do it.\nPam: I'll just stand here?\nJim: Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great.\nPhotographer: Sir, could you look into the camera?\nJim: Let's do it, shoot it.\nPhotographer: Sir.\nJim: Great.\nDwight: Up here. [whistles]\nJim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.\nDwight: Jim, right here, right here. [snaps fingers] Okay, good.\nJim: Oh, so that's it?\nDwight: That's it.\nPam: See? That wasn't so hard.\nDwight: Cute kids, thanks for coming.\nSenator Lipton: Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody.\nAngela: Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What- how are you doing?\nSenator Lipton: Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there's one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it's a good photo op.\nPhyllis: [laughs] Yeah.\nAngela: Heh.\nErin: Okay, you're going to go through the hallway. Here's a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line. [points to line on floor]\nSenator Lipton: Thanks.\nDwight: Well, well, well. Senator Lipton, welcome. Angela.\nAngela: Dwight.\nDwight: Nice to see you. May I hold him?\nSenator Lipton: Sure.\nAngela: No. I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day.\nAngela: I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which... is impossible... because the senator is the only man I've ever been with.\nAngela: [Phillip cries] See the duckie!\nDwight: Okay, hold on for a second, folks. A few of the baby's hairs are out of place.\nSenator Lipton: Oh, thank you.\nAngela: [slaps Dwight's hand away] No. No. I like the baby's hair the way it is.\nDwight: Really?\nAndy: This is getting more and more delicious by the minute. [gargles alcohol, chokes, coughs] It's go time.\nAndy: Hey Nellie, I made soup - I made you some soup.\nNellie: Well, I don't want any soup.\nAndy: But it's really good- [drops soup] Oh!\nNellie: Oh come on, Andy!\nErin: I know this is going to be a great payoff.\nAndy: A delicious moment.\nErin: But after you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake.\nAndy: Well, but it-\nErin: Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate.\nDwight: Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby's fingernails are just bothering me-\nAngela: Uh-uh, leave us alone.\nSenator Lipton: I guess we're okay with the fingernails.\nDwight: Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?\nAngela: Dwight, we're fine!\nSenator Lipton: Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie?\nAngela: Oh no. [laughs]\nSenator Lipton: I'm just gonna take him out and change him just for a second.\nDwight: He defecated, aw.\nSenator Lipton: You're stinky.\nDarryl: A lot has changed since y'all left, okay? You're gonna have to jump through some hoops. And the new foreman is here. Now she's one of the best we've ever known, okay? So I need you to show her your upmost respect. Make sure she feels welcome and at home, okay? Can you do that?\nBrandon: That's some pretty blatant complementing you're doing there, man. I don't even talk to her like that.\nVal: Uh, Brandon?\nDarryl: I would.\nBrandon: You would?\nDarryl: Yeah.\nBrandon: Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend.\nVal: Calm down, he's not.\nDarryl: Yes, I am. Just so everyone's on the same page.\nBrandon: [scoffs] So you really think she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant?\nVal: Brandon!\nDarryl: Good slam.\nBrandon: Thank you, Biggie.\nDarryl: Good luck to you.\nBrandon: Oh, and have a burger for me.\nSenator Lipton: Okay, shall we take a few more?\nAngela: I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you, Dwight.\nSenator Lipton: Okay. There we go.\nAngela: No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight!\nDwight: Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh?\nToby: Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you.\nNellie: You're dirty, you stink of booze, you're limping inexplicably.\nAndy: I just want you guys not to worry. 'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine.\nJim: No, no, see? This is what we're talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you're not drunk...\nErin: No, unfortunately it's true. He's been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me.\nNellie: What?\nPam: You hit her?\nAndy: No. That is not the deal. Calibrate.\nErin: He's not hitting me. But, he's been verbally abusing me-\nAndy: That's not true either! That's also total- Everyone, please relax. I think you're gonna like this surprise guest.\nGabe: [enters] Happy birthday to Gabe!\nNellie: Oh, get out, skeleton man!\nToby: I can refer you to someone to talk to.\nAndy: [his phone rings] Huh? Hold on.\nToby: Give you a name or-\nAndy: I just gonna- quick- [answers phone] Hello? Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close? What? No. no, no, no, no, no. You have to come now. Traffic clears? No, next Friday... that's not gonna work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. [inhales, hangs up] Damn it! Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back!\nJim: Oh boy.\nPam: Oh, Andy.\nOscar: What?\nAndy: I'm not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.\nOscar: David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.\nAndy: Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum 'Suck It' to the U.S. military.\nJim: Andy, come on.\nKevin: Even I know that's weird.\nAndy: I- I- Okay, I get how that sounds crazy.\nToby: Hey, Andy, Nobody's calling you crazy, Andy. We're your friends, Andy.\nAndy: Stop saying my name.\nErin: No, he's not making this up.\nAndy: Thank you, Erin.\nErin: Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.\nPam: But have you ever actually seen him yourself?\nErin: Oh my God.\nAndy: Erin, come- Come on. You know I've been talking to David Wallace.\nToby: Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?\nDwight: [into phone] Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready.\nKelly: Now you look at me like you're adoring me, I'm gonna look at the camera like I don't even know you're there.\nRavi: I do adore you.\nRobert: Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.\nAndy: Yeah, I know.\nRobert: Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.\nJim: Hey.\nOthers: Hey!\nDavid: Hey guys, long time.\nPam: David, what are you doing here?\nPhyllis: Is it true you're buying the company?\nDavid: Okay, I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I've been talking with Andy-\nAndy: What? Thought I heard my name. What? I'm the new manager?\nDavid: I'll get to that in a second, Andy.\nAndy: But it's- it is- it is me? Right?\nDavid: Yes, as we've discussed-\nAndy: What?\nDavid: But it's very possible-\nAndy: Oh my God!\nDavid: Probable.\nAndy: Wow. From janitor to manager?\nDavid: Yep.\nAndy: That's quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P.\nDavid: There's an official announcement, a few details to be-\nAndy: From total loss to total boss, I mean-\nStanley: Can we expect any payroll interruptions?\nDavid: Now that is a great question, Stanley. Right now I think all your operations or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida, so to shift back up-\nAndy: I was so looking forward to that and it did not... go as I thought it would.\nPhyllis: So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?\nDavid: Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett's planning on liquidating the rest of the company.\nRobert: Oof. [laughs] Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I'm actually the CEO.\nDavid: Ah, I didn't realize you were standing there.\nRobert: Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess.\nDavid: Well, okay. Great to meet you.\nRobert: Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.\nDavid: Pleasure.\nRobert: I'd love to give you a little rundown on what I've learned about this place.\nDavid: That's very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that.\nRobert: Please. [laughs]\nAndy: Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place.\nJim: Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy.\nAndy: Gosh, I hope so.\nAngela: No! God, Mose! God!\nMose: Hi, Angela.\nAngela: Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he?\nMose: I'm not supposed to say.\nAngela: Yes! [slaps Mose] Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here!\nDarryl: [taking photo with Jada] Let's see that smile. Go on. [waves to Val]\nVal: [stands next to him] Right here?\nDarryl: Cool.\nAndy: Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all.\nNellie: May I say one thing?\nAndy: It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever's on your mind.\nNellie: The quality of mercy is not strained.\nAndy: No.\nNellie: It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.\nAndy: Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card?\nNellie: It blesseth he who gives and he who takes. 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest.\nAndy: I just want one mother[bleep] delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?\nAndy: If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well?\nNellie: Special projects manager, that's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want.\nAndy: All right, you sly bastard. When can you start?\nDavid: Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there'll be no need for him.\nMeredith: Ouch. That's gotta hurt!\nDavid: But, he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up to do something much more important.\nRobert: David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I'll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating- mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women.\nDavid: I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me.\nRobert: Oprah Winfrey's leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.\nAndy: Gymnasts? You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?\nRobert: Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it's been fun.\nAndy: Mm. Mm-hmm. [they hug, Robert kisses him on the lips]\nRobert: It's been a great year.\nDwight: Hello.\nAngela: Where is it?\nDwight: They're testing it now.\nAngela: How long does it take to get the results?\nDwight: Seventy-two hours.\nAngela: You're gonna wait here?\nDwight: Yes. [Angela sits and holds his hand]\nAngela: [Dwight kisses her] Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight!\nSenator Lipton: Hey.\nOscar: Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you?\nSenator Lipton: You didn't call.\nOscar: Um, well, uh, the issue that I- that concerned me...\nSenator Lipton: You know what this is about. [covers Phillip's eyes] Call."}
{"text": "Erin: Andy's coming back today! Andy's coming back today! Ha! Andy's coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time.\nDwight: How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that's really good. But I got some disappointing medical news.\nDoctor: Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father.\nAngela: I told you [Dwight vomits power drink on Angela]\nKevin: Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I'm not that good at puzzles.\nOscar: [as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn't go there. [Kevin shushes him]\nKevin: So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn't get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time.\nPam: For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great.\nJim: You are really good at modesty. She's a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids' room. There's a hippo leading a parade of 500 children'\nPam: Kay, well, you had that interesting thing.\nJim: Oh, yeah\nPam: Yes, Jim's friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college.\nJim: Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners.\nPam: And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too.\nJim: In Philly, so, that doesn't really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea.\nPam: He said if it takes off he's gonna buy us a new car.\nJim: An Altima or better.\nToby: Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fianc�� Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university.\nKelly: [tossing out winter coats] I don't need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan.\nToby: Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it\nKelly: Enjoy the snow losers.\nErin: I'm so happy for you Kelly.\nToby: Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons.\nRyan: I've actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It's a big university town. And, uh, that's not garbage, it's out clothes.\nPam: And that was our summer.\nJim: we good?\nOff-camera: Yeah\nPam: Don't you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company.\nOff-camera: Well we're more following you guys, to see how you turn out.\nPam: Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don't think anything's gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there's just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time.\nErin: Andy's coming back today!\nClark: Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out?\nStanley: Oh, my god. It's called a garbage can.\nPhyllis: Helpless.\nToby: There's two new guys back there with me now. They're in their 20s. And we really get along.\nClark: [Playing computer game with Toby] You're looking good.\nToby: Just three single guys. Getting into trouble.\nStanley: They're like the new Jim and Dwight.\nNellie: Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect.\nMeredith: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.\nPete: No thank you. My name's Pete.\nJim: No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith's face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim.\nErin: Andy's here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy's here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy's here. Pam, he's here. [squeals as Andy walks in]\nAndy: Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it'll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right!\nNellie: It sounds amazing, tell us all about it.\nAndy: What're you still doing here?\nNellie: Wonderful, thanks.\nAndy: You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died.\nNellie: Brilliant.\nAndy: See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It's Clark and, um'\nPete: Pete!\nAndy: In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop.\nPete: What? Why?\nAndy: Cause you're always taking dumps.\nPete: No I'm not.\nAndy: Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time.\nClark: I love it.\nDarryl: Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr.\nClark: No, I prefer Fart.\nAndy: No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane.\nDwight: I don't see it.\nClark: I don't either.\nAndy: Whoa! Mind blown. It's like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr?\nDwight: Yes, yes I am. [puts his arm around Clark]\nAndy: Dwight, Jr! [Dwight gives Clark a noogie]\nDwight: In a way it's like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they'll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I'll have a grandson.\nAngela: Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption.\nKevin: The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked?\nKevin: Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin.\nAngela: No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look [starts playing video on computer]. He's such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants\nKevin: I'll take him.\nAngela: Please, after the turtle?\nKevin: I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!\nAngela: Oscar, Oscar, will you take him?\nOscar: No, I'm a dog person.\nAngela: If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.\nOscar: Those guys always change back, Angela.\nAndy: David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm.\nDavid: Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive.\nToby: Hey you wanted to see me?\nAndy: Yeah, I gotta go David. [hangs up phone] Why is Nellie still here?\nToby: You can only fire Nellie for cause.\nAndy: Mm, then I will make up a cause.\nToby: Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you.\nAndy: Then forget I just told you that.\nToby: Can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?\nAndy: Now I know why Michael hated you so much.\nDwight: Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods!\nClark: Yep, body by Cheez-it\nDwight: Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested?\nClark: I think I'm busy that night. Or I would.\nDwight: Well, we're both just kinda learning as we go, aren't we?\nClark: Learning what?\nDwight: Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head.\nClark: Kay.\nDwight: So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man?\nClark: Is this'is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that's totally fine. Like, I'm fine with it. But you should know that I'm into the ladies.\nDwight: Spoken like a true root man.\nClark: You know, if you're ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you.\nDwight: My calls?\nClark: So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven't had time to pursue yet?\nDwight: You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?\nClark: Yeah, I'll just give it a glance'\nDwight: Ok\nClark: I'll give it a read.\nDwight: With my leads and stuff like that?\nClark: Yeah.\nDwight: Cause you're interested in going into sales?\nClark: I am.\nDwight: Wow, that's great. That's great. Ok, good, let's talk about that, ok?\nClark: Ok.\nDwight: You're not getting my clients! Nice try.\nDwight: Paranoid? I'm not familiar with the word. And I really don't have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job.\nDwight: Jim, get ready for the battle of your life.\nJim: Done. Explain.\nDwight: The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.\nJim: Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday.\nDwight: Wait, sales'what sales meeting?\nJim: The new guys called one.\nDwight: The new guys called a sales meeting?\nJim: Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black?\nDwight: There's no belt above black. Is there a belt above black?\nJim: You should ask him. It's a color you would never expect. [Dwight storms off] Too easy.\nAngela: Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn't given me a definite yes or no.\nOscar: Definitely no.\nAngela: Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I'm fine with either, but not both. [to Pam] Listen, you're in this, but you need to wow me, ok?\nAndy: I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It's going to be terrible.\nNellie: Not necessarily\nAndy: No I'm going to make sure that it is. And if it isn't, I'm going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don't like to throw around the b-word, but I'm going to be a huge bitch to you.\nAndy: Now this is called slack lining.\nAndy: I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb.\nAndy: If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you'll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather.\nRafe: Iceman.\nAndy: That's me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete's foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack.\nJim: You a sports fan?\nPete: Sure, boxing, tennis.\nJim: Oh. Any team sports?\nPete: NASCAR. The Amazing Race.\nJim: Phillies fan, though, right?\nPete: You mean horses?\nJim: No, like baseball. A baseball team.\nPete: Ah, I like the Red Sox. I'm from Vermont.\nJim: Ok. Good talk.\nJim: I have nothing in common with Plop.\nAndy: All right, who's next? Nellie?\nNellie: Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends.\nAndy: Nonsense. Get up here.\nKevin: Go ahead\nAndy: Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels?\nNellie: I'm very self-conscious about my feet.\nAndy: Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! [pushes Nellie off slack line] You suck. Alright, who's next? Darryl?\nDarryl: This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.\nAndy: Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed.\nClark: Uh, I guess I could give it shot.\nAndy: Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up.\nClark: Ok\nAndy: Focus on the horizon. [Clark successfully walks the slack line] Whoa! Look at this guy.\nClark: I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.\nDarryl: Go, Dwight Jr!\nAndy: Hey, yes.\nDwight: Boo, unimpressed. It's a tightrope for babies. Boo!\nClark: Alright, let's see you do it.\nAndy: Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.\nAndy: Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail?\nDwight: Ok, I am just getting started, ok?\nClark: You got this, it's all you. [as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around] Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It's not a race, Dwight.\nAndy: Well it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.\nDwight: [bleeding heavily from the mouth] That's not true. Just give me another chance.\nOscar: But your mouth is ble'\nToby: This is a bloodbath. Alright, I'm calling this.\nDwight: What?\nToby: It is enough of this. Everyone, let's go back to work.\nDwight: This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. [tries to go in locked door] Idiots.\nDwight: Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn't seem so macho now, does it? It's a jump rope!\nPam: Dwight!\nDwight: Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on.\nPam: [sees trapeze contraption] What are you doing?\nDwight: Come here, I'll show you.\nAngela: Why do you want this cat?\nPete: I don't want it, really.\nAngela: How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions?\nPete: I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night.\nAngela: Have you taken any concrete steps?\nPete: Well, I'm still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list.\nJim: Oh, come on, Pete! God, that's just sad. If he doesn't watch himself, he's gonna be here for years, doing nothing. [sober realization] Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim.\nDwight: Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it's literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole.\nPam: I will?\nDwight: You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn't you say?\nPam: Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds.\nDwight: So you'll do it?\nPam: No.\nDwight: Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life.\nPam: Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life.\nDwight: Come on.\nPam: Exactly the way it is.\nDwight: No, Pam.\nPam: Yes, and there's nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it.\nDwight: Please? Please, Pam?\nPam: Find someone else, I don't know. Ask Phyllis.\nDwight: I can't use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I'll be launched into space. God, you're so insensitive.\nPete: Why are you getting rid of it?\nAngela: Allergies.\nPete: Your husband?\nAngela: No, the baby. Please, it's my husband's favorite cat. He's broken up about it. It's the only time I've seen him cry other than our wedding night.\nOscar: You know what? I will take Comstock.\nAngela: Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you!\nOscar: I'll come by after work and pick him up.\nAngela: Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won't get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight\nOscar: C'est la vie.\nAngela: Please don't teach the cat French.\nOscar: [on phone] Yeah. Good news, tonight when you come over for dinner, you can play with your old buddy Comstock.\nPam: You ready?\nJim: Yeah. You know what? I'll meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call.\nPam: Kay.\nDwight: Ok. [prepares bike trapeze]Oh, god.\nDwight: Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I'm about to prove it. Dwight Schrute!\nJim: Hey, man. It's halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don't. I'm in. Yeah, yep, I'm all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. [hangs up] Yeah!\nDwight: Woo! [starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over, he dangles from the handlebars] Ahh!!\nCreed: In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.\nMeredith: Crap. Sorry, Nellie.\nNellie: Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would'[hit in the face with trash]\nStanley: Mm, swish.\nNellie: Oh, it's nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are.\nAndy: There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge.\nNellie: [As trash is thrown at her] Fluke."}
{"text": "Pam: [surveying an untidy office] The building's custodian is on vacation for the month and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement. So, instead, we're living in filth. But, not for long. Because I have created the chore wheel.\nKevin: [viewing the chore wheel for the first time] Oh, yeah! Can I spin first?\nPam: Well, it doesn't spin. We'll just move the wheel one notch each morning and' you see what chore you get that day.\nKevin: A wheel is supposed to spin.\nErin: Yeah, you know, like [motions arm in circles] guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh' guh.\nPam: No, I'm familiar with spinning. It's just that wouldn't work with a chore wheel because people might get the same chore-\nAndy: [interrupting] Bugh, boring. All she talks about is chores.\nCreed: A wheel wants to spin, Pam.\nJim: [reluctantly] Spinning would be more fun.\nPam: [frustrated] 'Kay.\nKevin: [spinning a new 'chore wheel' while everyone claps] Okay, that's what I'm talking about! Big money, big money! [wheel stops on 'mug duty', disappointed] Mug duty?\nPam: Yes, you clean all the mugs in the sink.\nKevin: This sucks.\nErin: Yeah, seriously, it's like everything on there is work.\nPam: I don't think you guys understand why we're doing this. It's-\nKevin: Yeah, I don't think that you understand wheels.\nPam: I've been through several rounds of development with the team and here's where we stand with the chore wheel. [introducing a third 'chore wheel', excited] We've got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it's more fun this way.\nPam: [everyone cheers as Meredith spins and lands on 'tiny wheel'] The tiny wheel actually does have chores. It's so cute no one seems to mind.\nPam: [referencing the 'tiny wheel'] Toilets! [everyone cheers as Meredith accepts her chore]\nJim: [at the Halpert residence as Cece twirls in the front yard, exiting front door] Pam, we gotta go. Cece, go back inside. Grandma's got breakfast, OK? [to camera] We are going to Roy's wedding. Yep, Roy. I think the only weird thing about going to your wife's ex-fianc'��s wedding on a weekday at eight AM is that it's your wife's ex-fianc��.\nPam: [exiting house] Thanks, mom!\nJim: [to Pam] A banana?\nPam: Yeah. I'm afraid he's only gonna have hot dogs.\nJim: Oh, come on. Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding.\nPam: Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.\nJim: [to camera] Just' so weird.\nErin: [as Pete and Clark enter office] Oh, Pete, you've got mail.\nPete: Really? I got something?\nErin: Well, it's addressed to Customer Service so, it's your mail.\nClark: Well, you know, I'm also Customer Service.\nErin: Yeah, I'm alternating. [gestures both men]\nPete: [sarcastically] Yay, another person yelling at me.\nErin: Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time.\nPete: That's really nice.\nClark: [looking down at Erin's desk] Wow, Newsweek, huh? This election' thing is crazy, right?\nPete: [referring to the letter] It's open.\nErin: Oh yeah, I accidentally read it. It's not a nice letter.\nPete: [whispering] OK.\nNellie: [distributing paperwork to the office] Get excited. The special projects fairy has arrived.\nCreed: I know you don't really exist.\nNellie: Today, I launch my big charity initiative 'Operation Give Back'. Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far but, this one is about charity. So, I'd like to see him piss on that one.\nRoy: [at Roy's wedding] Darryl! Ha-ha! What's happening?\nDarryl: Congratulations, baby!\nRoy: Ah, thank you!\nJim: [Jim and Pam approaching the wedding venue] Is this his house?\nPam: Think so.\nServer: [approaching Jim and Pam] Mimosa?\nPam: [taking glass] Thank you.\nServer: Would you like me to take your peel?\nPam: [embarrassed] Yes, thank you. [finishes banana and hands server the peel]\nJim: OK.\nPam: [as Jim receives and declines a call] Who's that?\nJim: Uh, my ex-fianc��.\nPam: [sarcastically] Ha-ha.\nJim: I started a new business with my college friend. But, Pam doesn't know. Um' actually I did tell Pam and we decided 'no'. But, then I decided 'yes' anyway. So, I'm thinking there's another conversation coming. And, it's hard to know when that will be.\nNellie: With Operation Give Back, you pick the charities Dunder-Mifflin supports.\nKevin: [grinning] Oh boy! What's happening?\nNellie: There's four thousand dollars to give away. So, who has filled out their form? Stanley?\nStanley: American Diabetes Association.\nAngela: Um, you have diabetes, Stanley. [to Nellie] I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?\nToby: I w-, uh, I would love to give uh-\nKevin: [excited] Heifer's International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It's a great prank.\nCreed: I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes.\nNellie: Dwight, what about you?\nDwight: I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works.\nAndy: Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives.\nNellie: Thank you, Andy.\nAndy: I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.\nNellie: Dwight, you will be participating.\nDwight: No thank you.\nNellie: Participation is mandatory; Dwight, but you can choose whatever cause you like.\nDwight: Fine, I chose the Global Relief Foundation.\nNellie: Great, thank you.\nDwight: Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban.\nNellie: [everyone groans] Oh, for goodness' sake, Dwight.\nDwight: Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan.\nCreed: The Taliban is the worst. Great heroine, though.\nNellie: Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Give Back.\nDwight: Well, it looks like there won't be any Operation Give Back. Ha, ha. The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You're welcome. [wads up Nellie's charity sheet and tosses it toward her]\nJim: [approaches Roy back at the wedding] There he is. Is it almost time to cut the pancake, or what?\nRoy: Aw, yeah, god, we appreciate everyone coming so early. It's, everyone's just been so nice.\nJim: Thanks for inviting us, by the way-\nRoy: Are you kidding?\nJim: That was, that was a surprise.\nRoy: Come on. If it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura. I mean, seriously, kinda dodged a bullet on that one. [sees Jim's reaction] Just kidding.\nJim: You're welcome.\nRoy: Thanks...aw.\nJim: By the way, man, this place is... beautiful.\nRoy: Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off?\nJim: Gravel company?\nRoy: Yeah. What about you? What are you doing?\nJim: Not gravel, obviously. [both chuckle] No, things are good. Things are good. Got some stuff in the works. So-\nRoy: Oh, cool.\nJim: Yeah, you never know.\nKenny: Hey bro, stop wasting time with this haircut. [referring to Jim] He's got a fifty-thousand dollar sports car. Cheers.\nJim: OK, Kenny.\nClark: [talking on phone] Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out but where am I gonna find somebody that's pretty, smart and well-informed? Huh? Hold on, hold on. [covers phone's receiver] Erin, do you know anybody that might want... [has realization] Oh my gosh. You love the news, right?\nErin: Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad.\nClark: Well, I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind.\nPete: Uh, is it Duncan?\nClark: He's looking for on-air talent and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape.\nErin: You mean, put me on the news?\nClark: You'll just come over, put on little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we'll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple different ways, with a couple different outfits. It'd be really tasteful and it'd really help me out with Duncan... with my friend. [Erin considers] What do you say? Huh?\nErin: Maybe, ok? Let me think about it.\nClark: [Pete looks on disappointed] Ok.\nErin: Whoo!\nClark: Think it over. [punches Pete]\nPete: No, Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn, and Rob. But, you don't know them.\nErin: I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon?\nRoy: So, ah, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you. [approaches piano]\nJim: He plays piano?\nPam: No. Roy? No.\nRoy: You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it. [sits in front of piano]\nDarryl: [clapping] You got this, Roy. [Roy begins playing and singing She's Got a Way by Billy Joel, Pam and Jim looked shocked, Phyllis and Bob begin making out]\nPam: [in the car] We still surprise each other.\nJim: Definitely.\nPam: You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with-\nJim: Courtside seats. Sixers.\nPam: Yes. But, what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was-\nJim: It was an away game.\nPam: In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams. [long pause] Do we know everything about each other?\nJim: No.\nPam: Tell me one thing about you I don't know.\nJim: [laughs] Um, ok. [thinks but says nothing]\nJim: [in the kitchen] Oh, here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I-\nPam: And you thought you guys were millionaires.\nJim: You heard that one.\nPam: Yes. But there's, wait, oh, there's a funny ending to that story. I can't remember.\nJim: That I thought we were millionaires.\nPam: Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That's funny. Shoot, I knew that one.\nJim: That's all right.\nAngela: The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next. [Oscar chokes on his coffee]\nJim: You all right? [Oscar nods]\nNellie: You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.\nDwight: Anything else would be inconsistent.\nNellie: Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office? [offers Dwight a contract]\nDwight: [takes contract] Absolutely, I will.\nDwight: I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. [in a fake English accent] You don't have a plan.\nNellie: When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan.\nNellie: [holds up pen as Dwight searches his desk] Looking for this?\nDwight: What the? [follows Nellie into the break room]\nNellie: Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it.\nDwight: [taking pen back] Gimme that.\nNellie: Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off.\nDwight: You're insane.\nNellie: I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity.\nDwight: Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you.\nNellie: In that case, you... [pulls out a cleaver] will have to chop off my hand.\nDwight: [considers then takes cleaver] This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you'll miss the most.\nNellie: I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands.\nDwight: Sounds like a plan.\nAndy: [in his office] Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment?\nErin: Yeah.\nAndy: [entering annex] Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?\nClark: Uh... couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe, no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut.\nAndy: Really?\nClark: Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back.\nPete: Seems unnecessary for an audition.\nClark: And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so-\nAndy: Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.\nClark: I absolutely will do that.\nAndy: Awesome. [to Pete] Plop!\nClark: Pff. Guess I'll just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits.\nPete: That Clark, huh? Errr [punches palm] Ca!\nOscar: [in kitchen with several people around] Next question for our oldie-weds-\nKevin: What's the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?\nAngela: [to Kevin] Language.\nPhyllis: Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?\nOscar: Pam's first celebrity crush.\nToby: [whispering] John Stamos.\nJim: Ready?\nPam: Uh-huh.\nJim: [as he and Pam flip their cards] John Stamos.\nAngela: Oh!\nPam: Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to-\nToby: Johnny Depp.\nPam: Johnny Depp. [everyone looks confused toward Toby]\nToby: [after awkward pause] Sh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp.\nKevin: Totally. George Clooney.\nToby: Uh-huh.\nAngela: OK, I have one. I have one. [Jim's phone rings and he motions he's taking the call elsewhere]\nKevin: [while Angela tries asking a question] What is the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?\nAngela: [as Pam wonders about Jim] Kevin, stop it with that question.\nJim: [in the stairwell on his phone] Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And what'd they say? That's awesome! That, oh my god! Wow!\nJim: It's not even real yet. And I'm not gonna tell her 'til it's real.\nPam: I think maybe there actually is something I don't know about Jim.\nDarryl: Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting in the conference room to discuss Erin's confidence.\nAndy: Her body. We're gonna talk about her body. [to Darryl] Good. Great job.\nDarryl: Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather 'cause I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black.\nAndy: [to a full conference room] Erin has an audition to be a newscaster. [general acknowledgement]\nAndy: Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right? Darryl.\nDarryl: OK, um, I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color.\nAndy: Yeah, right?\nJim: I'm sorry. This is for a news audition?\nAndy: Yeah.\nOscar: Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability?\nAndy: News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.\nOscar: I'm so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America - Walter Cronkite.\nMeredith: Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that mustache ride.\nOscar: Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? Or...\nAngela: Has she done the pageant circuit?\nErin: No, I watch the news.\nAndy: She's gonna be amazing. Look at her. She's gonna light up the screen.\nErin: This is a first for me. And, I don't get a lot of chances, so I have to take them really seriously. I will do whatever it takes to get the job.\nClark: [whispering to Pete] Whatever it takes.\nPete: [whispering] Yeah, I know, I heard. I heard.\nDwight: [places Nellie's hand on a board and holds up cleaver] This is it. Any questions?\nNellie: Is it gonna be long?\nDwight: No. It's gonna be over before you know it.\nErin: [pretending to read news] Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas. Aren't you glad you waited? Karzai commented.\nDarryl: Um, where did you get that story?\nErin: A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events.\nAndy: I love it. It's fantastic. Now, tag it with your name.\nErin: For Channel 11 news, I'm Erin Hannon.\nAndy: Pause after 'news'.\nErin: For Channel 11 news... I'm Erin Hannon.\nAndy: No, pause longer.\nDarryl: That was a good one.\nAndy: Pause, pause longer. OK? Builds suspense. Don't be shy.\nErin: Got it. For Channel 11 news... [very long pause]\nAndy: Wha, it's-\nErin: I'm Erin Hannon.\nAndy: OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there.\nJim: [as Pam stares at him] I can feel you looking at me.\nPam: OK. Well, here's something you don't know. A couple of weeks ago-\nJim: Uh-huh.\nPam: I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didn't tell you because, I don't know, I felt embarrassed. And, I didn't know if you would be mad or worried. But, anyway, I thought you'd want to know.\nJim: [after a pause] That didn't happen. You would've told me right away.\nPam: Yeah, I would've. What about you? Come on, there's gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me.\nJim: Uh... [looks at Pam]\nPam: [looks knowingly back] Just tell me.\nJim: God, give it up, Beesley. You know me too well.\nDwight: Heh! Ha! [making various sounds and movements while preparing to severe Nellie's hand] [Darryl enters, sees what's happening, and quietly exits]\nPete: Hey, um, I knew something bothered me and I finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna want to see is how Erin relates to the other people on the news team.\nErin: Oh.\nPete: The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone.\nErin: Oh god.\nPete: Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host... he's already doing camera.\nErin: Tuh.\nPete: Someone who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know. [Andy smiles at camera]\nDwight: Ha! [raises cleaver] This is for real this time.\nDarryl: It's getting late. I thought you guys could use a little [sets up laptop] inspiration.\nNellie: [Darryl hits play] Oh, a movie. What is this?\nDarryl: 127 hours. It's about this guy who-\nDwight: No, no. No spoilers. Please.\nDarryl: My bad.\nDwight: No.\nDarryl: Goodnight.\nClark: [answers his door to find Erin, Andy and Pete] Hey! Everybody.\nAndy: Yeah.\nClark: Come in.\nAndy: All right!\nClark: Come on in.\nAndy: Nice.\nClark: [to Pete] What're you doing here?\nPete: Sorry, man. Andy though Erin needed a co-anchor. I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied.\nErin: [news anchor audition] The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns.\nAndy: [also as anchor] Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.\nErin: Well, he tried to but the fire door was blocked.\nAndy: He sure did.\nClark: All right. We got that. That's a rap, everybody.\nErin: Aw!\nAndy: Just, you sure Clark?\nClark: Yep, she's done.\nAndy: No, I just, I don't mean Erin. I mean for me. I didn't feel good about that.\nClark: No, we got it. We got it.\nErin: Great! Let's get some food. I'm starving.\nAndy: I don't think we did get it. I could do, uh, a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing.\nClark: OK, I don't.\nAndy: All right.\nErin: I'm hungry.\nAndy: Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something?\nPete: Yeah, whatever you say, boss.\nAndy: OK. [to Erin] I'll call you later.\nErin: OK.\nAndy: [to Clark] So this is a single.\nErin: Hey, even if this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it. And, maybe it'll work out for Andy.\nDwight: [as he and Nellie watch the movie] Oh god.\nNellie: That is absolutely revolting!\nDwight: Yeah.\nNellie: He is so good, though.\nDwight: Yes.\nNellie: The way he just cuts off his arm.\nDwight: If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes.\nNellie: Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time.\nDwight: Whoopty doo. That doesn't make you a genius.\nNellie: Well, it doesn't make you stupid.\nDwight: Yeah, it does, actually. It makes you real stupid.\nNellie: Stupid like you.\nDwight: No, like you.\nNellie: Like you.\nDwight: You're the stupid one.\nNellie: You're the stupid one.\nDwight: You're the stupid one.\nNellie: You're the stupid one.\nDwight: You, you, you, you..."}
{"text": "Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight\nDwight: Who are you?\nFake Jim: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.\nDwight: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian\nFake Jim: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.\nDwight: Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?\nFake Jim: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.\nVoicemail: Please enter your password.\nVoicemail: You have one new message.\nDwight: How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!\nFake Jim: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.\nDwight: You don't work here! You're not Jim!\nPam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30.\nFake Jim: Oh great, can't wait. [Kisses Pam]\nPam: Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.\nDwight: I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!\nDwight: Oh my'! Oh d'! Oh, how did'? [gasps] Huhhhhh!\nErin: Heyyy! Study buddies!\nDarryl: Oh, ok.\nErin: Getting things done. Awesome!\nDarryl: It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!\nDarryl: Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.\nErin: [speaking in French] S'il vous plait'dites-Moi'Ugggghhh les Bleagh!\nDwight: Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.\nErin: I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there!\nDwight: You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.\nDwight: Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.\nDwight: I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.\nErin: Yeah! Let's do it!\nDwight: [exclaims] Atherozar!\nErin: [shocked] Oh!\nDwight: It means 'excellent'. And we have begun.\nPam: [asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk]. Is everything okay?\nNellie: Hmm? Oh'oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d'I just don't wanna'burden you with my massive stress freak outs!\nPam: Great.\nNellie: It's just that I am taking my driver's license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to 'Demandy'...[Points to Andy's office with her thumb]. I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But'in who's car?\nAndy: [yells] Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.\nNellie: [sighs]\nPam: Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.\nNellie: Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior! [hugs Pam]\nNellie and Pam: [giggling] ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!\nPam: [to Jim] I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch.\nJim: Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try.\nNellie: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com\nAndy: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.\nNellie: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!\nAndy: As in...\nNellie: Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.\nAndy: [silently mouths] Wow!\nAndy: This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.\nAndy: My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.\nErin: I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, 'What's your stance on politics?' Or, 'What is the best war to do?' And, I will just be like, 'Duhhhh!'\nAndy: Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.\nPete: Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.\nClark: So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.\nClark: Oooohhhhhhhh!\nClark: It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.\nPete: Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.\nClark: Just clap through it, man.\nDarryl: You log in sales at ten different times. If you log 'em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.\nJim: That was really good, Darryl.\nDarryl: Life hacking, man.\nAndy: There he is!\nJim: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me'[gets interrupted by Andy].\nAndy: [shushing Jim] Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?\nDarryl: Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.\nAndy: It's me! [chuckles] I am related to Michelle Obama.\nDarryl: What?! Really?\nAndy: I mean, it's distant, but...\nDarryl: [chuckles in agreement] Huh ha! That's cool, man.\nAndy: Right?\nAndy: Darryl said, 'Cool, man.' He called me as cool man.\nPam: You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat.\nNellie: Mmmm'the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving, so, I might as well get good at it.\nPam: Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!\nNellie: Whhooooo!\nOscar: I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?\nPhyllis: You think that Andy's family owned slaves?\nStanley: Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.\nDwight: I throat-rip.\nErin: Foth aggendak!\nDwight: You throat-rip.\nErin: Foth aggendi!\nDwight: He/she/it throat rips.\nErin: Foth aggenda!\nDwight: More of a, barbaric growl.\nErin: [in a barbaric growl] Forth aggenda!\nDwight: Louder! You're shouting it from the back of a horse!\nErin: Wah!! Aggenda!!\nPam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?\nNellie: [laughs mischievously] Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable!\nPam: What?\nNellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.\nPam: Sure.\nNellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!\nPam: So he's not related to Michelle Obama?\nNellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.\nPam: [laughs]\nPam: Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.\nNellie: [whispers] Pam! [she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guy's head].\nPam: [laughs]\nOscar: Well, if there's another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be. I'[gets cut by Andy barging into the convo]\nAndy: What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [Mimicks smacking everyone with a whipl].\nOscar: Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.\nAndy: Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.\nOscar: Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were'slave owners.\nAndy: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?\nDarryl: Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.\nAndy: Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye.\nDarryl: Yes, yes, yes.\nAndy: Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum!\nDarryl: I included some time saving ideas...\nAndy: Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.\nDarryl: Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird.\nAndy: [snaps his fingers] Right on, brotha. Wurddd.\nErin: Addor!\nDwight: Daraas!\nErin: Qazer!\nDwight: Daraas! [asks the rest of the office] Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk?\nPete: Hey Erin!\nErin: Azem choma! Chomakka-attun!\nPete: Oh'okay. Sorry.\nNellie: Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work.\nPam: Yeah'turn signal. It's exciting to be painting again'those are the wipers. So'the'its'just. There you go! Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, things get so busy with the kids'red light'that it's nice to have that creative outlet'red light! Red light! Red! Red!\nNellie: That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work.\nPam: Well, since we're stopped at a light, uhhh, here is...the mural I did for Angela's baby.\nNellie: That's amazing, Pam! Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo!\nPam: Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.\nAndy: [to Erin]. Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?\nErin: Vos!\nAndy: So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today.\nErin: Because of your slaves.\nAndy: Not my slaves, my ancestors'. Maybe. Probably not.\nErin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for 'slave master', 'attafrauk!', is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak dothraki! Color you impressed?\nAndy: That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!\nErin: Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language.\nDwight: People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it.\nAndy: Hi guys.\nPhyllis: Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water?\nAndy: Yeah. You don't have to ask me.\nAndy: Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be'[ringtone of Dixie plays]. Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was 'Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes' by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith'African American'Mambazo.\nPam: Good. Very good. [cell phone beeping]Oh'no! Here. It's, uh, a text from Andy. 'New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P.' And then in parentheses, he wrote out 'as soon as possible.'\nNellie: Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, 'looking for dirt.'\nPam: Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding.\nNellie: Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding.\nPam: Oh'gee'I'm'\nNellie: No! I'm just practicing my lyyiiinggg! [whispers] I love it.\nPam: Brilliant!\nNellie: What should we say about Jim?\nPam: Ummm. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up.\nNellie: My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. [pauses] I just made a joke there.\nPam: I'm sorry. It's just, uhm, I actually do have this weird feeling that there's something Jim isn't telling me.\nNellie: Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair!\nPam: Jim? No.\nNellie: [sighs]. How can you be sure?\nPam: Because he just loves me too much.\nNellie: You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?\nAndy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.\nAngela: Ew.\nAndy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.\nKevin: And John Wayne?\nAndy: No. Not that I see here.\nKevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock?\nAndy: You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!\nJim: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True'[touches his nose] Oh no.\nAndy: Dwight's grandfather was a'[is interrupted by Dwight].\nDwight: Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So'[clears throat]\nAndy: I was gonna say he was a tax evader.\nDwight: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! Hahhahahahahah! Hahahahahah!\nAndy: And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.\nMeredith: Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [mimics stabbing into Angela's throat]\nAngela: Stop it! Stop it! You're frightening me!\nPhyllis: Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families?\nKevin: Yeah, that'you're being really mean, Andy.\nDwight: Yeah, Andy.\nAndy: No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it's not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.\nOscar: The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefitting from the terrible things that your ancestors did.\nAndy: Might've done. And how' do you figure?\nOscar: Your family's rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.\nAndy: You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income.\nOscar: Really?\nAndy: We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.\nAndy: Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.\nDarryl: You're gonna po' mouth\nAndy: Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl.\nDarryl: Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions'\nAndy: What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?\nDarryl: That could work.\nAndy: You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here.\nDarryl: I'm going for a walk.\nAndy: [with a sigh] Okay.\nPam: Good. Good. And'[Nellie hits the car against the bushes]\nJim: You doing alright, man?\nDarryl: I'm done. I gotta get out of here.\nJim: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.\nDarryl: It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.\nJim: Oh, come on, it can always get better. Right?\nDarryl: Hmm. Yeah right\nJim: No, I'm serious. There's always something better.\nDarryl: Like what?\nJim: Like hypothetically' if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have.\nDarryl: What kind of job?\nJim: Something cool. Like, sports marketing or... that sound something like you'd be into?\nDarryl: Hell yeah!\nJim: Right?\nDarryl: That sounds awesome!\nJim: Ok, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly! So you'd have to...\nDarryl: I love Philly!\nJim: Right?\nDarryl: It's not even a thought'\nJim: Not even a thought! It's not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright!\nDarryl: What? Wait, wait, wait? So what? This happening?\nJim: Oh, it's happening! Let's just keep it between you and me for right now.\nDarryl: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. for sure. Man! And Pam's into it?\nJim: We, uh, we haven't talked about. But I think that she's'I think she understands... what this is.\nDarryl: Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real.\nJim: What? No, no, no! Come on! This is real!\nDarryl: It's not real... until your wife is on board.\nPam: So what did you want to show me?\nNellie: That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?\nPam: Yeah. It's really ugly\nNellie: Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking'a mural.\nPam: You mean me?\nNellie: Yes! You! You are soo talented! It's going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.\nPam: Oh my god! I love it! Uh, I'Nellie, this is brilliant! [sees Jim] Hey!\nJim: Hey! Can I talk you? For a second?\nNellie: Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you!\nPam: What?! No! I-I got this. [Laughs] Okay?\nNellie: [quietly] This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich.\nNellie: And Filipino. But we'll break that to her later.\nNellie: [to Darryl] You know what this is all about.\nDarryl: Yeah. You too, huh?\nNellie: Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, youuuu sssnake!\nDarryl: Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. [whispers] Yeah.\nNellie: Ohhh, Pam, nooo! Oh, I can't bear to watch this.\nJim: I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world.\nPam: I still can't believe he didn't tell me.\nPam: I was helping Nellie drive'[Stanley interrupts]\nStanley: Do not care.\nPete: Fonas chek!\nErin: Dothraas! chek! [giggles]\nAndy: I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.\nErin: [in agreement] Hmmm!"}
{"text": "Andy: Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video]\nGroup: Dunder Mifflin!\nAndy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail: Kevin:\n[repeats]\nAndy: Fail: Oscar:\nAndy: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy?\nDwight: Fail!\nJim: I deserved that.\nAndy: [Darryl runs in slow motion on video]\nDarryl: That was a triple.\nAndy: Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!\nDarryl: My pleasure.\n[Clark and Pete are shown on screen]\nVideo Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry: Andy:\nOscar: What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.\nAndy: Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?\nJim: Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?\nAndy: Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]\nJim: I think I got it right here.\nAndy: That was not a fail.\nGroup: Fail! Fail! Fail!...\nAndy: [Group continues chanting 'Fail!']That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants]\nDwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god.\nPhyllis: What's going on?\nDwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.\nStanley: What's he measuring?\nDwight: OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.\nToby: It's an EMF hotspot.\nPhyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god!\nOscar: It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.\nAndy: Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?\nToby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?\nAndy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?\nStanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.\nDwight: OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.\nDwight: [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.\nPam: [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you.\nJim: You got it.\nJim: Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first.\nNellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.\nAndy: Fine. I will give you one minute.\nNellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass.\nAndy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.\nNellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby.\nAndy: A baby what? A human?!\nNellie: And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.\nAndy: Oh.\nNellie: You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.\nAndy: Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.\nNellie: It's not..it's-\nAndy: And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.\nNellie: Well then if I could just convince...\nAndy: And those sand grains are tumbling..\nNellie: You.\nAndy: With fury...\nNellie: It's not..it's not\nAndy: Down the sides..\nNellie: Entrapment if I'm..\nAndy: Of the hourglass..\nNellie: ..writing..\nAndy: Time's up!\nNellie: Fine.\nAndy: Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.\nDwight: [Reading from computer] 'Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!' That means you can't make me do squat.\nMeredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.\nDwight: You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week.\nPam: Week off. That'd be great.\nDarryl: [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.\nClark: I don't want to teach you Power Point.\nDarryl: Come on! Just show me the Power Point.\nClark: Just do the tutorial.\nDarryl: You're the tutorial.\nClark: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.\nDarryl: You could be.\nClark: Mm-mm.\nDarryl: [to Jim] What are you doing?\nJim: Getting my wife a week off from work.\nDarryl: You popped one kernel.\nJim: Awesome, right? [leaves]\nClark: So Creed is that dude's step dad?\nDarryl: Correct.\nJim: Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests]\nDwight: What? Come on.\nCreed: I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair...\nMeredith: I'm not gonna grow a third arm!\nDwight: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.\nJim: [reading from computer] 'Side effects of EMF include: headaches...'\nDwight: Had 'em all my life.\nJim: '..breast pain...'\nDwight: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.\nJim: Oof. 'Infertility.'\nDwight: [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch]\nJim: Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?\nDwight: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the?\nJim: What?\nDwight: Some of these kernels have crowned.\nJim: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god.\nDwight: Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot]\nJim: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.\nPam: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?\nJim: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.\nPam: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.\nJim: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.\nPam: Yeah, OK then.\nAndy: Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.\nDwight: So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week.\nMeredith: Nice job.\nDwight: In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour.\nJim: What?\nPam: What's this?\nAndy: Whoa!\nJim: What?\nDwight: [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in!\nDwight: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.\nStanley: [on phone] There are a hundred packs..\nOscar: [On phone] No six after the eight, no...\nStanley: Shh!\nOscar: Shh!\nStanley: Ninety nine cases..yeah.\nOscar: Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying]\nAngela: Ooh!\nPete: Oh sorry! Sorry.\nAngela: Oh my god!\nErin: [bumps into Meredith] Sorry.\nMeredith: Lose weight.\nErin: I'm trying. Sorry.\nErin: [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.\nNellie: Oh of course, you were adopted.\nErin: [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well.\nNellie: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?\nErin: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.\nNellie: Oh thank you so much!\nErin: [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because..\nNellie: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods]\nClark: Stretch. Alright.\nStanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll?\nClark: I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue.\nStanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.\nJim: Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face.\nClark: It's a medical thing.\nJim: Just...you good?\nClark: I'm good. I..\nJim: [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this.\nPam: It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.\nAngela: I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her]\nPam: Oh my god! Ah!\nJim: I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!\nPam: You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus]\nJim: Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking?\nDwight: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.\nJim: Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?\nDwight: It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.\nJim: Andy!\nAndy: Yo. Dudeces.\nJim: You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?\nPhyllis: Oh, I know I'd be more productive.\nKevin: As would I.\nStanley: No question.\nDwight: No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.\nJim: What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy?\nPhyllis, Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!\nAndy: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.\nErin: Yes! [Group cheers]\nJim: Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also.\nPam: Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat]\nJim: [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?\nDwight: Get your foot behind the yellow line.\nJim: You got it.\nErin: Yeah Jim! [Group claps]\nDarryl: [Sitting outside building] Stop.\nClark: Come back.\nDarryl: Too late.\nClark: Mmm.\nGroup: Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call.\nPam: My name is Pam.\nGroup: Yeah!\nPam: I like to paint.\nGroup: Yeah!\nPam: You think you're better?\nGroup: Yeah!\nPam: Oh no you ain't!\nGroup: Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!\nKevin: My name is Kevin.\nGroup: Yeah!\nKevin: That is my name.\nGroup: Yeah!\nKevin: They call me Kevin.\nGroup: Yeah!\nKevin: Cause that's my name.\nGroup: Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!\nCreed: [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today...Oh my god.\nAndy: Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one.\nPam: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?\nJim: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.\nPam: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him.\nJim: He's just mad that we're all having fun.\nPam: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?\nJim: He's fine. He's indestructible.\nErin: Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages.\nNellie: [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one.\nErin: Never say that.\nErin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.\nNellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.\nStanley: Next stop pies! [group joins in]\nGroup: Next stop pies!\nKevin: Next stop pies!\nJim: Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...\nKevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.\nAngela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?\nKevin: Wh...\nOscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?\nKevin: 314 pies.\nOscar: What if it were salads?\nKevin: Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work.\nDwight: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.\nJim: OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.\nDwight: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.\nJim: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!\nPam: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.\nJim: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!\nGroup: No!\nDwight: Stop ordering me around, Jim!\nJim: What do we want?!\nGroup: Pies!\nJim: When do we want it?!\nGroup: Pies!\nDwight: OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.\nJim: That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight!\nMeredith: Oh my!\nJim: What are you doing?\nMeredith: Dwight, what the hell?\nOscar: Dwight!\nClark: What?\nKevin: Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back.\nPhyllis: [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just..\nPam: Phyllis! That's not safe.\nKevin: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.\nPam: [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset.\nJim: You know he's doing all this on purpose.\nPam: Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch]\nStanley: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!\nAndy: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps]\nMeredith: What?\nJim: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-\nDwight: I'm barren, Jim.\nJim: What?\nDwight: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.\nJim: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.\nDwight: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?\nJim: No.\nDwight: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs]\nJim: I'll take it.\nNellie: Andy?\nAndy: Who is it?\nNellie: Um, is this a good time?\nAndy: Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.\nNellie: Oh, why, is there something?\nAndy: It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.\nNellie: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-\nAndy: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.\nNellie: Alright then.\nJim: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.\nDwight: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?\nJim: That doesn't matter.\nDwight: What position did you use to conceive?\nJim: Ok...that's not...\nDwight: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.\nAndy: [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?\nPete: I don't think that's Nelly.\nAndy: What?\nNellie: Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you.\nJim: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?\nDwight: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.\nJim: Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..\nDwight: Bildenkinder.\nJim: OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.\nPam: Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go?\nJim: It's pretty good actually.\nPam: Yeah?\nJim: We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim]\nOscar: Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts]\nDwight: When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!\nPam: You feel OK now?\nDwight: Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.\nPam: Well, actually, rhubarb is-\nJim: Don't..\nPam: the one pie that I don't.\nJim: Don't..\nDwight: Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly]\nAngela: Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other]\nJim: [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie!\nGroup: Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive]\nNellie: Oh.\nAndy: I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers]\nNellie: Oh, you signed it?\nAndy: Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away]\nNellie: [Reading] 'She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.'\nKevin: I insult you, Oscar.\nOscar: What?\nKevin: I insult you! To your face!\nOscar: I don't know what you're talking about.\nKevin: Then why don't you do something about it?\nOscar: [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?\nKevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes!\nPam: Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed.\nJim: We did it.\nPam: You did it.\nAndy: My name is Andy!\nGroup: [bored] Yeah.\nAndy: I don't do drugs!\nGroup: Yeah.\nAndy: Now check the style!\nGroup: Yeah.\nAndy: Of Flatt & Scruggs!\nGroup: Yeah. [Andy plays banjo]\nPam: Role call.\nPhyllis: Role call.\nOscar: Role call.\nCreed: What?"}
{"text": "Dwight: This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.\nErin: [screaming upon seeing pumpkin-headed Dwight]\nDwight: [screaming then laughing] It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made.\nDwight: My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ...\nJim: It won't budge.\nDwight: I can't get it out. Try again!\nDwight: I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...\nDwight: [as Jim approaches with a knife] Jim, no. No. No! No!\nDwight: But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.\nDwight: At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?\nErin: Hey guys.\nPam: Hey.\nErin: Pam, what are you?\nPam: I am Dr. Cinderella.\nJim: Cece's really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models.\nPam: I'm an oncologist and you are a dog.\nErin: No, I'm a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen.\nJim: It's Okay.\nErin: Uh, Jim, you're not dressed up at all.\nJim: Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys. [to Pam, under his breath] Can I have your sunglasses?\nErin: Jim, come on. I thought we were past this.\nPam: So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me?\nJim: There's a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume.\nPam: Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.\nJim: Gettin' a lot of mileage out of this, aren't ya?\nPam: Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.\nAndy: A jitterbug. [giggles] You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?\nAngela: The senator will be joining us later.\nAndy: Not a question.\nAngela: No, it wasn't.\nAndy: Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.\nHCT: [singing]\nAndy: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!\nHCT: [sings Karma Chameleon]\nAndy: Aaah! [everyone clapping] So good!\nDwight: What lab did these little clones escape from?\nAndy: My Cornell a capella group.\nPam: You were in an a capella group?\nDarryl: You went to Cornell?\nAndy: Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.\nStanley: Ugh. I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that.\nClark: I do. I love the boss's interests.\nAndy: Atta boy Clark!\nMeredith: Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?\nAndy: No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.\nAndy: You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I'm so not prepared.\nJim: Are you sure you're okay with me putting in this much money.\nPam: Yeah. I mean, listen if we're gonna do this thing, we should do it right.\nJim: You're the best.\nPam: I kind of am. It's crazy.\nJim: Okay. I'll see you in a little bit.\nPam: Okay.\nDwight: Jim. Look I'm eating you.\nJim: Shut up.\nDwight: Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I'm eating Jims.\nErin: [laughs]\nDwight: [laughing] Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.\nErin: [laughing hysterically] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!\nDwight: Oh no, I'm spilling Jim all over the carpet. [laughing]\nErin: Stop it stop it stop it stop it!\nDwight: [picking up spilled candy] Hello little pill. What do you do?\nDwight: Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There's a madman in our midst.\nPam: Okay I give up. What are you?\nNellie: I'm sexy Toby.\nPam: [laughing] Gross. I love it.\nDwight: Dumatril!\nNellie: Something wrong Dwight?\nDwight: Dumatril.\nNellie: Yes?\nDwight: This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it's not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It's not for any disorder of the body. [whispering] It's for a disorder of the mind.\nNellie: The mind is part of the body.\nDwight: Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... [whispering] They are now off their meds.\nNellie: Dwight, our co-workers' health issues are really none of our business so-\nDwight: Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What's going on Nellie? Talk to me.\nNellie: Hm?\nNellie: It's my pill. I have an anxiety issue and I'm not ashamed of that, But I'm not loving the idea of Dwight having that information. I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.\nNellie: Yeah, you're right. This man needs to be apprehended.\nDwight: I'll get my apprehension kit.\nAndy: Ruh duh duh da dudes! What's up?\nHCT: [mumbled responses]\nAndy: I know that it's pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody. When I got the nickname 'Boner Champ,' that is when I became me.\nAndy: You didn't come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now's your chance! I'm here. You got Qs; I got As.\nHCT Member #1: Did you say you've got AIDS?\nAndy: No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said. Next question.\nAndy: You don't have any- Any questions about the old days? [clears throat] You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?\nHCT Member #2: I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.\nAndy: I'm sorry, what?\nHCT Member #2: I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.\nAndy: Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.\nPete: I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year.\nCreed: Me neither.\nCreed: It's Halloween. That is really, really good timing.\nAndy: I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you're Boner Champ.\nBroccoli Rob: [on computer monitor] I'm so sorry! I don't know how that could have happened.\nAndy: Did you maybe tell them that or...?\nBroccoli Rob: I just- I just started yappin' about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky.\nAndy: Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it's really stupid, but it's also really, really, really important.\nBroccoli Rob: Will do. I love you, Andy.\nAndy: Love you too.\nBusinessman #1: So the workspace looks awesome.\nJim: Wow.\nBusinessman #2: And the graphic designer is going to be sending in some of the logo treatments. I can't wait to see them.\nBusinessman #3: You guys rock. [round of fistbumps]\nBusinessman #1: I killed it.\nBusinessman #2: I've also been running the numbers and between our backers and our own investments, we're looking great for a full year on this.\nJim: Oh, uh, is it too late to get in?\nBusinessman #3: Oh Jim, I explained everything. So you're all set.\nJim: Oh, I actually talked to my wife and we'd really like to uh you know, invest - get in on the ground floor.\nBusinessman #2: Wow, well what level of investment were you thinking about?\nJim: We were thinking somewhere between five - ten thousand? I can do the full ten thousand. We should just - [blows air] - all in.\nBusinessman #3: Welcome aboard!\nJim: All right. [laughs] Awesome. Cool.\nDwight: Hi Daryl. I'm just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.\nNellie: You know, to uh, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning.\nDwight: That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy?\nDarryl: I can't really picture it. Can you... get it on there. Yeah. And maybe, get the cheeks.\nDwight: So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?\nDarryl: Get under your chin first. Yeah.\nDwight: Is that where the nanobots like to come in?\nDarryl: Take it all the way up to your lip, yeah.\nDwight: Is that how they like to get in?\nDarryl: Yeah, that's crazy.\nDwight: [whispering] I don't know. I just don't know.\nAndy: Yo! Bad boys of a capella.\nHCT: [mumbling] Hey.\nAndy: Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?\nHCT Member #3: Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob. I guess you really are the Boner Champ.\nAndy: Did he tell you how I got the name?\nHCT Member #3: No.\nAndy: Spring sing '95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in, you know. Took the face off. It just seemed easier that way.\nAngela: And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted. So, anyway... Hi! Oh, Oscar, remember my husband, the senator?\nOscar: Senator Lipton, nice to see you.\nSenator Lipton: Nice to see you Oscar.\nAngela: Wait a second, who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together. This is mayhem!\nSenator Lipton: So Oscar, you're a dinosaur.\nOscar: Actually I'm the electoral college.\nSenator Lipton: Ouch! Right on target.\nAngela: You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis. You two talk, okay? Sorry babe.. Phyllis!\nSenator Lipton: God, it's just so good to see you.\nOscar: I, uh, huh, just [chuckles nervously]\nSenator Lipton: All having this wonderful Halloween gathering. Excuse me, is that punch?\nAndy: They didn't know about the snowman story, and when I told 'em, they were not impressed.\nErin: What is with these turkeys?\nAndy: Right?\nErin: Hey! You better do 'Faith.' You get me?\nHCT Member #3: We don't know it.\nErin: So learn it. You all go to Cornell, you're like eight Rain men. Just learning the friggin' song.\nHCT Member #3: Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but-\nErin: Buts... are for pooping. Okay? Make it work. You have to or Andy will flip out... And make it a surprise, please. [to Pete] This isn't stupid.\nPete: What?\nToby: Hey.\nDwight: Hey.\nNellie: Hey Toby.\nToby: Are... are you me?\nNellie: Yes.\nToby: Oh my goodness, look. Look at this.\nNellie: Yeah. I...\nToby: [unintelligible mumbling]\nNellie: Yes. I thought I'd you know, be you.\nToby: Look at.. Look at me. [laughs]\nNellie: [laughing] It's funny right? [Toby starts to lean in for a kiss, then runs away]\nDwight: All right. All right, just ...stay focused on the pill.\nNellie: Okay, look Dwight, let's just call this thing off. I mean, it's just an anxiety pill. Lots of people have anxiety.\nDwight: You think I don't have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I've got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne'er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don't need some stupid pill to get me through all this.\nMeredith: Cool. Free upper.\nDwight: Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!\nMeredith: Don't dog catch me!\nDwight: Gotcha! Yeah! Let's see ya get out of this web, huh?\nMeredith: Let me out!\nNellie: The pill is mine.\nDwight: What?\nNellie: Get her out.\nDwight: Oh.\nMeredith: Stop baggin' my head!\nNellie: Oh Dwight, look, its just a pill, all right? It's for anxiety. I take it every day. And it makes me feel better. And maybe it could help you too.\nPam: Hey, how'd it go?\nJim: Oh man, it was great. They were great.\nPam: Did you end up investing?\nJim: I did, yeah.\nPam: How much?\nJim: Uh, man, by the end I guess it was about... ten...\nPam: About ten?\nJim: Ten. It was the full ten.\nPam: Wow.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: Wow.\nJim: Yeah. Yeah. It's a good thing we talked about it though, because we had to...\nPam: No yeah. Yeah.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: So did everybody ...\nJim: What is it?\nPam: Did everybody end up investing ten thousand?\nJim: Um, oh man, I don't actually know.\nPam: What?\nJim: They weren't really talking that much about money. They just said, We're good with investing and then I...and I...\nAndy: Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!\nHCT: [vocalizing]\nPam: They said they were done with the investing and then you volunteered ten thousand dollars?\nJim: No, no, I had to. Look, I needed to look like a team player, Pam.\nPam: So you invested ten thousand dollars to look like a team player?\nJim: You weren't there.\nHCT: [singing 'I'll Be']\nJim: It was very clear that ten thousand was what we had...we should talk about it later.\nHCT: [singing 'I'll Be' directly to Pam]\nPam: Talk about it now.\nJim: Pam.\nPam: Jim, that was most of our savings.\nHCT: [still singing]\nClark: Wait! Wait. Hold on. Where's the band? 'Cause there's just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths.\nCreed: Yeah. That's what she said.\nClark: What, am I overdoing it? No. No.\nHCT: [singing]\nPam: We said some. We said 'some.'\nJim: We'll talk about it later.\nHCT: [singing]\nPam: We said part not all.\nHCT: [singing 'Car Wash']\nClark: Yes! All right!\nAndy: Oh Man! [clapping]\nClark: That's how you do that! Whoo!\nHCT: Thank you.\nStanley: Show some pride. This is crap.\nDwight: I agree. Yes, crap. Continue.\nHCT Member #3: Now folks, by special request, we're going to take it a little old school. There is a former Trebler in this room.\nDarryl: Who?\nHCT Member #3: It's Mr. Andy Bernard!\nAll: [clapping]\nHCT: [singing 'Faith']\nAndy: No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man...\nHCT Member #3: He reminded us today of how much he means to us. And we certainly seem to mean a lot to him, so without any further ado, here's an old Treble classic.\nHCT: [singing 'Faith']\nBroccoli Rob: [on flat screen tv] [singing lead of Faith]\nAndy: Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?\nHCT Member #3: She said you wanted to hear 'Faith'. That's Broccoli Rob's signature song.\nAndy: That's my signature song.\nHCT Member #3: I really didn't know that man. I just thought you wanted to hear it.\nAndy: Russell, I'm dressed like George Michael.\nHCT Member #3: I thought you were Adam Lambert.\nAndy: Wha...?\nErin: The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.\nErin: Are you okay?\nBroccoli Rob: [on screen] He's still mad.\nAndy: Shut up, Broccoli.\nBroccoli Rob: Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing. Russell called me up. And they said they needed 20 cc's of George Michael stat. So just... Wham! I sprang into action. You know me. I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number.\nAndy: You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man's signature solo is his for life, okay? That's group policy and you know it.\nBroccoli Rob: Look, it's not my fault that I still live near campus, and it's my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys., and stop in two, three times a week.\nAndy: Just don't do the song anymore.\nBroccoli Rob: I tell you what, we'll have a sing-off for it. You pick twelve alums from any year to back you up and I'll do the same, and I'm so confident that I'll win, I won't even warm up.\nAndy: Fine, go ahead. Thrash your pipes.\nBroccoli Rob: My pipes are primo, Champ. Why don't you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes?\nAndy: I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch!\nBroccoli Rob: He said, and I quote, 'Hey Rob, nice pipes'. That happened!\nAndy: OK, fine, yeah. that's one guy's opinion!\nBroccoli Rob: That's real. 'That'll never change!\nErin: Okay!\nAndy: Doesn't mean you're the best singer ever. Dick.\nJim: I thought that concert was pretty great.\nKevin: Oh yeah. I decided that acapelca music is awesome.\nAngela: They lost me when they sang 'Monster Mash'. That song obviously glorifies the occult.\nJim: Angela, it's Halloween. You have to sing 'Monster Mash'.\nPam: Oh you have to Jim? You literally have to?\nJim: Uh...\nPam: No I'm just, I'm saying, what would happen if they didn't sing it? Would they go to jail? Would they be shot?\nJim: Okay. We'll, just forget it.\nPam: No! No, I'm interested. I mean I think everybody's interested in why they have to sing it.\nJim: Because it is Halloween. So if you're going to sing a concert, it's a good idea to throw that one in.\nPam: Yeah, yeah, no, no. It's a good idea to brush your teeth. But you have to um, feed your children. Send them to school. You know, all things you can't do if you just keep singing 'Monster Mash.'\nKevin: It turns out, that Pam? Really, really hates 'Monster Mash.' I mean like, never bring that song up in front of her. Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song, Pam was like, No! Hate it! Stupid!\nAndy: This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?\nErin: [laughing] Yeah.\nAndy: I mean, what if we did that? Like we got jobs and we were happy all the time?\nErin: Oh well, Andy, we're not moving to Cornell.\nAndy: Duh. I know. That would be insane.\nErin: Yeah.\nAndy: It could totally work though. I don't know why we wouldn't. Oh my god are we doing this?\nErin: Oy. Andy, what's going on?\nAndy: If I am not Boner Champ, I don't know who I am.\nErin: Well, um, you know maybe you're the wise old guy that the new uh, B-O-N-E-R champ looks up to. You know, you could just-\nAndy: Make a donation.\nErin: Well, I was gonna say, be a mentor.\nAndy: Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom.\nErin: Oh.\nDwight: [whispering] I want some of those pills.\nNellie: Oh, well good for you. I mean, you'll need a prescription.\nDwight: Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They're not for me. They're for my cousin Mose. He's just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose.\nNellie: Mm. Got it. Well, you tell Mose that he's a good man and that I hope he feels better.\nDwight: Which one? Mose or the real Mose?\nNellie: The real Mose.\nDwight: He says Thank you.\nAndy: [on phone] Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up this scholarship for a capella kids at Cornell and just need to wire some money over there. [pause] What?\nErin: What's wrong?\nAndy: My parents are broke."}
{"text": "Oscar: [to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute?\nOscar: I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin has overheard him]...Why?\nAndy: Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay?\nWhite: Or we can hope for a holiday rally?\nAndy: White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster.\nPam: Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.\nJim: And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar.\nPam: The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just..so..\nJim: Competent.\nPam: Right?\nAndy: Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, [bleep] him.\nOscar: Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok?\nKevin: That's beautiful. No, I totally get that.\nOscar: Can you do this, Kevin?\nKevin: I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that.\nOscar: I don't know what that means. Hey, hey-\nPam: [On phone] Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. [hangs up] Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio?\nCreed: Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show.\nPam: Nope, that's Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? [Dwight raises hand]\nDwight: I do! I do. I do. I do. I do.\nDwight: The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? [Pretends to be on phone] 'Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.' It's that easy.\nMeredith: Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he's on a downward spiral with booze.\nAndy: Yeah. He's in rehab actually.\nMeredith: Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.\nAndy: No, it's in New Mexico.\nMeredith: Oh...So..- how are you holding up?\nAndy: We're done Meredith.\nDwight: [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...[Group protests]\nJim: Dwight!\nDwight: ...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.\nJim: No, you chose yourself.\nDwight: [walking away] Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit...\nAndy: Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom.\nDarryl: Sounds great.\nOscar: Perfect.\nAndy: Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas. [Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier]\nKevin: What happened?\nAngela: Jammed. This day couldn't get worse. [Kevin laughs]\nKevin: Yeah, I think this day could get worse.\nAngela: What does that mean?\nOscar: Kevin!\nKevin: [to Angela] I don't know what you're talking about. [Thumbs up Oscar]\nErin: She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month.\nAndy: Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut?\nDarryl: If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months.\nAndy: Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born.\nErin: Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories?\nDarryl: I worked at a Jiffy Lube.\nErin: See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl?\nDarryl: I would if I owned it and I went broke.\nAndy: Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat.\nAndy: Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? [chokes up] Excuse me.\nPam: [On phone] Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so...\nNellie: Well why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple.\nPam: He's gonna be disappointed.\nJim: Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen.\nPete: Fax?\nErin: Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. [laughs] He's seriously juvenile.\nPete: Cool. He's like 40 though, right?\nErin: Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops.\nPete: Awesome. Have fun.\nDwight: Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up] This is Dwight Shrute.\nPam: [on other end in conference room] Please hold for Ms. Black.\nNellie: [Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Shrute.\nDwight: Iris, thank you so much for having me.\nErin: [muffled by watermelon teeth] Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. [laughs]\nAndy: Uh, did you need something?\nErin: Oh, I just need your signature on this.\nAndy: Ok. [signs paper] thanks.\nAngela: Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more?\nKevin: I... did not.\nAngela: I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore.\nKevin: [laughing in Oscar's direction] Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! [Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up] I have to go to the bathroom!\nAngela: That doesn't surprise me.\nOscar: That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom.\nJim: [In staff meeting] See these forms...\nKevin: I have to go to the bathroom! [runs out]\nKevin: [running from elevator] I have to go to the bathroom!\nKevin: [Drives away waving, then screeches to a stop and runs from car]\nErin: Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend?\nAndy: Look, it's not that I don't want-\nErin: Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect.\nAndy: All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said 'You can't be a skipper until you're a man.' You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance.\nErin: Well, when does the boat leave, exactly?\nAndy: Tonight.\nErin: Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail.\nAndy: Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now.\nErin: Ok, well then let's leave like right now.\nAndy: Yeah, ok.\nErin: Yeah! OK! Let's go.\nAndy: Seriously?\nErin: Of course, seriously. Get your coat on.\nAndy: Alright.\nErin: Alright.\nAndy: Let's do it.\nErin: Let's do it!\nDwight: [On speakerphone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on.\nNellie: [As Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?\nDwight: Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.\nNellie: Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons?\nDwight: Yes..?\nNellie: [Jim mimes taking shirt off] I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together.\nDwight: [Takes shirt off] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-\nNellie: Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. [Jim holds up card that says 'Now Pants'] Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine.\nDwight: That's impossible.\nNellie: Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?\nAngela: The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out.\nOscar: That's a tough one.\nAngela: That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can.\nKevin: Please, stop.\nAngela: What?\nKevin: Please, stop.\nAngela: Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs]\nKevin: [Getting up to leave] I can't, it's too much! [laughing]\nOscar: I'm in big trouble.\nKevin: Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.\nDwight: [pantless] OK, how is my voice now?\nNellie: I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic?\nDwight: [holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me.\nOscar: [looking at folder he brought Toby]It's clearly not an accounting mistake.\nToby: Yeah.\nOscar: So...\nToby: Kevin. His gambling problem must've resurfaced. I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation.\nOscar: Well, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.\nDwight: This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this.\nNellie: Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc...Sandra Mick [points to Pam]\nPam: [changing voice] Good afternoon Iris, it's a pleasure.\nNellie: Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic?\nPam: No the paper's not toxic.\nDwight: Thank you Sandra!\nPam: Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic!\nDwight: Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! [Jim runs panicked into break room]\nJim: What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?!\nDwight: Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves]\nNellie: Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to?\nDwight: uhhhh...no one.\nNellie: Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?\nDwight: No, everything's fine.\nNellie: Are you insulting my guests?\nDwight: [chokes up]\nKevin: [on phone] Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion?\nOscar: I hope that's it, Kevin.\nKevin: Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.\nToby: Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about-\nKevin: Hi.\nOscar: Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just..\nKevin: Oscar, we're in the middle of talking.\nOscar: Oh, you're right I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. [gives Kevin money]\nKevin: Oh that is nice. Classy move. [leaves]\nDwight: [yelling in break room] That's what I'm saying! No of course not!\nKevin: What are you doing?\nOscar: Those figures I gave you? They're false.\nToby: How?\nOscar: I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively.\nToby: So you set him up.\nOscar: Yes, he's innocent.\nToby: I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible.\nOscar: What are you talking about? I just did this now.\nToby: A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler..\nOscar: Sure.\nToby: I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict.\nOscar: That's gotta be tough.\nToby: Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.\nNellie: The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time?\nDwight: My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!\nErin: That's yours?\nAndy: That's the family boat!\nErin: Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous!\nAndy: Right?\nErin: I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America.\nBoat Guy: Move.\nAndy: Sorry?\nBoat Guy: Trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way.\nAndy: Sure, I um..I didn't know.\nBoat Guy: I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people.\nAndy: Ok.\nErin: Gee, he was salty.\nAndy: Geez, a little bit. [to boat] How you doing old buddy? Missed you.\nErin: What does that one do?\nAndy: It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing.\nErin: I wish I had seen you do it.\nAndy: Really?\nErin: Yeah.\nAndy: [Begins raising sail] Up she goes!\nBoat Guy: Don't do that. Don't do that.\nAndy: Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me.\nBoat Guy: Nope. Can't do that.\nAndy: You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. [begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand]\nBoat Guy: We've already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us.\nAndy: You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- [Raises sail, guys slaps hand again] wow.\nBoat Guy: I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch.\nAndy: Ok, fine.\nBoat Guy: OK.\nAndy: Yeah, fine.\nBoat Guy: Good stuff.\nAndy: Good stuff. Nice stuff. [begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy's hand again] [bleep] Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah.\nErin: Well, we're doing it. We're finally having a picnic on the boat.\nAndy: I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it.\nErin: Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man.\nAndy: Fine. But I could have.\nErin: As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain.\nAndy: I am the captain.\nErin: Yeah.\nAndy: Right?\nErin: Yeah.\nAndy: I'm the captain. [to boat guy] Hey, charm school.\nBoat Guy: What?\nAndy: I'm taking it over from here.\nErin: Nice!\nBoat Guy: I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days.\nAndy: Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there.\nBoat Guy: OK, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit.\nAndy: Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater?\nNellie: For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson [points to Jim].\nJim: [using black voice] Good afternoon! [Darryl smacks his arm]\nDwight: Please sir! Spare him. Please.\nJim: Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record!\nDwight: Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in.\nNellie: Oh, Mr. Shrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr... Wallace.\nErin: Do you even know what you're doing?\nAndy: Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. [Opens door, Andy's brother is passed out inside] Walt?\nWalt Jr.: Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday.\nAndy: I thought you were in rehab.\nWalt Jr.: Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here?\nAndy: I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda.\nErin: Bahamas, Andy.\nAndy: Same thing. [To Walt] Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on.\nDavid Wallace: [On phone] Hello?\nDwight: David, is that you?\nDavid Wallace: Dwight?\nDwight: Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok?\nDavid Wallace: Yeah? Are you ok?\nDwight: Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David.\nDavid Wallace: Well, thanks Dwight.\nDwight: You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok?\nDavid Wallace: Dwight?\nDwight: Walk out of the house...\nDavid Wallace: What?\nDwight: ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.\nDavid Wallace: Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go.\nDwight: [enters main office, group claps] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard?\nAll: Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!\nDwight: [joins in] Shrute! Shrute!\nDwight: Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.\nKevin: Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information.\nOscar: Well, I am sorry Kevin.\nAngela: Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion?\nKevin: You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. [Senator enters]\nAngela: Honey! What are you doing here?\nSenator Liptop: I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? [touches Oscar's shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly]\nOscar: No.\nAngela: Oscar? What is going on? What was that?\nSenator Liptop: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly.\nOscar: You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who-\nKevin: Come on Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. [claps, group joins]\nSenator Liptop: Well, thanks everybody.\nKevin: It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A!\nOscar: U..s..a. U-\nOscar: I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control.\nKevin: I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!\nAndy: Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever!\nErin: [Standing on dock] Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend.\nAndy: [pulling away from dock] Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy!\nErin: Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think it would have been really fun and romantic.\nAndy: [waving from boat] I'll see you in three weeks!\nErin: OK!\nWalt Jr.: Hey bro! It was here all along. [holding guitar]\nAndy: No way!\nWalt Jr.: Way!\nAndy: Erin I gotta go![Walt begins playing] Them's my chords!\nPete: Hey. She's back.\nErin: Thanks for covering the phones.\nPete: Yeah, no problem. How was it?\nErin: Fine.\nPete: Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper.\nErin: Does he have a flipper?\nPete: Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk.\nErin: He sounds like an idiot.\nPete: Yeah, he is.\nErin: Ok.\nPete: Ok.\nErin: Thanks.\nPete: Yeah."}
{"text": "Andy: [on computer screen] Ah, what else? I've seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know?\nEveryone: Whoa!\nPam: Andy.\nAndy: That Swayze sure can dance dirty.\nPhyllis: Don't you have any sunblock?\nAndy: No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They're like two flaming meatballs in my skull.\nErin: Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family's boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song - No, woman. No cry.\nAndy: [on computer] Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That's what I call the sun now.\nDarryl: Andy, it's Darryl. Take your drawers off your head.\nAndy: What else can I show you? Oh, damn it!\nErin: Oh, Andy, was.. was that your drinking water?\nAndy: Yeah, it was. That's okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow!\nEveryone: Oh!\nAndy: Ah! That's not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? [laughs crazily]\nDarryl: He's been sailing for two days.\nAndy: [on computer] I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains.\nErin: [laughing] Yeah.\nAndy: No. No! Nooo! [computer falls into ocean]\nErin: Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy. Oh.\nDwight: [answering phone] Dwight Schrute. [turns on speakerphone] Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town?\nDavid: [on speakerphone] Well, I have some very exciting news.\nDwight: And you didn't call Jim - that seems significant.\nJim: Hi, David.\nDavid: Jim, good! You should hear this too.\nDwight: No, he shouldn't.\nJim: [taking away Dwight's handset] Go ahead David, I'm listening.\nDwight: Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don't know where I'd put you.\nDavid: Guys, listen, this is big news. The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office the day before yesterday. They've apparently just dropped the supplier they've been with for the last ten years. .\nDwight: The White Pages.\nDwight: The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There's a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing 'the White Whale'. Look at all that sweet blubber.\nDavid: Look, we need our top salesman running point on this and Dwight, that is you.\nDwight: I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a second. [presses hold button] Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where's Stanley?\nErin: He's in the bathroom.\nDwight: Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?\nErin: Of course.\nDwight: Yeah! Okay. [presses button again] Hey David, I'm back.\nErin: [from the kitchen] Eat it Stanley!\nDwight: So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account?\nDavid: No, I spoke with the receptionist over there. It's someone new but she didn't catch her name.\nDwight: Her name?\nPhyllis: No, hey, Dwight shouldn't...\nDwight: Shhh! [clears throat] Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!\nDavid: Good luck!\nDwight: Good luck to you. [disconnects call]\nPhyllis: Dwight, you can't go. You have a problem with women. You can't sell to them.\nDwight: That is a damnable lie. I love women.\nPhyllis: Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her 'gy-na' for your entire meeting.\nNellie: Ew. That's not good.\nPhyllis: Yeah, she said she corrected him five times.\nDwight: 'Gy-na' said that?\nPhyllis: Guys, we can't let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back.\nMeredith: Hey remember that week in the 90's when we got bagels?\nCreed: I miss Clinton.\nPam: Can you go instead?\nJim: I can't. I have the thing.\nJim: I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I'm helping start. Ah, first board meeting. Also, the first time I've ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong.\nPete: Okay, call down. It's just me, not Tom Selleck.\nGuys in breakroom: [laughter]\nKevin: Nice!\nPete: Toby got us all to participate in Movember. It's a charity for prostate cancer. You pledge money and then you grow a mustache for the month of November.\nClark: So, this is how we look now. I hope you like being turned on all the time.\nDarryl: Daaaaamn! It just keeps on coming, huh?\nToby: I have very fertile hair glands.\nToby: I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember. We have the dopest time back in the annex.\nClark: God!\nToby: We even go to lunch, pick up babes.\nToby: [to passing female pedestrian] Smile if you love men's prostates.\nAngela: Hi.\nOscar: Hi.\nAngela: Spring cleaning?\nOscar: More like fall cleaning. [chuckles]\nAngela: [whispering] I think the senator is having an affair.\nOscar: [dropping desk drawer] This doesn't... I'm sorry. Wha... what?\nAngela: I think the senator is having an affair.\nOscar: I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens. I wake up in a sweat. And then I make Angela's husband spoon me back to bed.\nAngela: When he comes home in the morning, he has this secret little smile.\nOscar: Oh, I'm sure ...that's nothing.\nAngela: And he's always at the yoga studio. He never misses the noon class - it's Hot Yoga with Blake.\nOscar: Angela, Blake's also a guy's name so he... may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about. Huh. Blake. Who is Blake?\nAngela: I don't know.\nOscar: I just never heard about the senator and yoga...\nAngela: Right.\nOscar: From you. I'm sure it's probably nothing. But what's with the yoga already?\nAngela: Right?\nOscar: And Blake! All right Angela, calm down! We need to go check this out.\nAngela: What?\nOscar: Angela, I'll go with you.\nPhyllis: So, uh, show us how you'd normally sell to a female client.\nDwight: Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog.\nPam: You've got this Schrute.\nPhyllis: Okay, you just walked into her office and begin.\nDwight: Hello.\nErin: Hello.\nDwight: May I please speak to your boss?\nPhyllis: No, she is the boss.\nErin: I am? Hmm.. [deep voice] Hi, I'm Mr. Hannon. How can I help you?\nDwight: Okay, this isn't working for me, 'cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss.\nErin: He's absolutely right. I'm really struggling.\nPam: Oh, I'll be the buyer.\nDwight: [sighing]\nPam: Hello, Mr. Schrute, nice to see you. Please have a seat.\nDwight: I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes\nPhyllis: No actually, she likes to take her time discussing her needs.\nDwight: I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I'm finished, it's over.\nPam: Okay, let's stop here. Anyone have any thoughts?\nDwight: I thought it went great.\nNellie: I have uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? Two, how many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me?\nBusiness partner: [on phone] Okay lets get started.\nJim: Yeah, I'm here. Are we all on?\nBusiness partner: Uh,, well you're the only one 'on' - we're all here.\nJim: [nervous laughter] Right. Okay, uh, over the next three months...\nKevin: That's the winter season., three months.\nJim: I uh, I have some ideas, actually...\nBusiness partner: Are you at your office right now?\nJim: [hushed voice] Uh yeah. Trust me, I'd rather be with you guys.\nBusiness partner: [laughing] Uh, yeah, that sounded kinda spooky-sexy, over here Halpert.\nJim: Oh, [clearing throat, deeper voice] Sorry, I uh... was just saying that we should uh...\nBusiness partner: Whoa. [laughing] I think there's been a bit of a mistake. We're trying to reach Jim Halpert, not Batman.\nJim: [laughing] Um, you know what? I.. should have just had... I should have just had you call me on my cell.\nBusiness partner: Uh, yeah...\nJim: I'm gonna try a different spot. Okay?\nBusiness partner: Okay, yeah.\nJim: Okay, I'll call you right back.\nKevin: What's happening in three months?\nPam: Okay, when you're selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight. Also you want to respect their... Are you listening now?\nDwight: Yes.\nPam: Okay, well you have to show us.\nDwight: That's impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don't vibrate at all.\nPam: Huh. [nodding] Uh huh.\nDwight: What are you doing?\nPam: A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it?\nDwight: Kind of.\nPam: Nellie, why don't you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you're listening.\nNellie: Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I've commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way.\nErin: It's just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person.\nDwight: I am a person.\nErin: Yes.\nNellie: And then we thought we'd ' I can't. I just can't carry on with that face. Look at it. I'm gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he's laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh.\nDwight: That's a bit extreme.\nNellie: No, I'm sorry but that is true.\nMeredith: He's screwed. They're meeting in less than an hour.\nPhyllis: Oh, all right. God, Dwight, just ignore every instinct you have. It's all garbage okay? You're the woman, I'm the salesman, watch what I do and try to learn.\nDwight: Okay, I'm a woman. [high voice] I'm a woman. Good?\nPhyllis: Ms. Thomas, so good to see you.\nDwight: Hello.\nPhyllis: Oh, are those your kids? They're so cute! They could be models.\nDwight: Thank you. I'm so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina.\nMeredith: Booo! Weird.\nNellie: No.\nPhyllis: Okay, yeah. This is a lost cause. It's hopeless.\nPam: Ten years ago, I didn't care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I'm like, that poor gimp is somebody's child.\nPam: You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women.\nDwight: Look, I have no problem with women. It's businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don't lie about your shoulders!\nPam: Dwight, listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who is a nice, reasonable person in your experience?\nDwight: I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.\nPam: Okay, so, when you're selling to this woman, just imagine that she's that nice, reasonable barber.\nDwight: Okay, I can do that.\nPam: Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps.\nDwight: He used to fight dogs.\nPam: Like, he used to make dogs fight? Or he actually fought dogs?\nDwight: Little of this, little of that.\nAngela: Which one is the instructor? There all fatties.\nOscar: Angela! [whispering] Angela. There.\nAngela: Where?\nOscar: [whispering] On the stairs. Stay calm. Stay down. Oh, so wait. Blake is a her.\nAngela: Oh my God! She's so stunningly tiny! She's like a petite double zero, for sure. For sure! Holy cow! Look at what they're doing.\nOscar: She's repositioning his hips for downward facing dog.\nAngela: [gasps] I've heard of this - dog style. Oh wait. Oh look Oscar, Thumbelina has a boyfriend! And he has a ponytail - ew. I'd like to see that run for office. Oscar, you were right. I had nothing to be worried about. Thank you. Let's go.\nOscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...\nAngela: Ow.\nOscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut up, hold on. Shh. Hold on. Sorry. Look.\nPete: [sound effect of throwing ball]\nToby: This is fun. You know? I mean, this is fun.\nJim: What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in -\nBusiness partner: [on phone] It was in what? Jim, we're having a lot of trouble hearing you.\nJim: The... the... the... what I was saying is the real genius was...[car alarm blaring] was in the...\nHank: Hey! Are those skateboarders back?\nBusiness partner: [on phone] Jim? Jim, are you there?\nHank: Where are they?\nJim: It was, uh in the authentic design, right? So I mean, you really felt like Michael Jordan was wearing these shoes, so ...\nMeredith: Who was messing with my van?\nJim: Nobody!\nBusiness partner: [on phone] Jordan wore them for nobody? We're not following you, Halpert.\nJim: No, no, no.\nHank: This ends now!\nSecretary: Have a seat. Um, she will be right in.\nPam: Oh, great. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you mind telling me her name? I realized we don't have it.\nSecretary: Uh... um she'll be right in.\nPam: Okay, great.\nDwight: [to himself] Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it.\nPam: Oh my God. It's Jan.\nDwight: Oh, dear God in heaven.\nPam: Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met.\nJan: You son of a bitch. You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?\nPam: Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said that?\nPam: Forget everything we taught you. Hey, Jan! It's so great to see you.\nJan: Where's Wallace?\nPam: What?\nJan: I was under the impression that David Wallace would be coming. He bought back Dunder Mifflin, correct?\nDwight: Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off. [laughs]\nPam: Sorry. Um, David is in Vermont. Did you speak with him? He sent Dwight instead.\nJan: Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont.\nMolly: Oh, my God. Um, I talked to his assistant. And I guess it did get a little confusing 'cause you said not to tell anyone your name. And then also, those bluetooths are very hard to hear with. I know you love the way they look, but Tom never had us use them...\nJan: Molly. I am not Tom. I am Jan.\nMolly: I'm so sorry Jan.\nJan: I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with uh, David Wallace after all these years. Oh, well. What are you doing?\nDwight: Listening.\nJan: Stop.\nDwight: Sorry.\nJan: Stop that.\nDwight: Okay.\nPam: So this was all just a trick. You don't really have any business to give?\nJan: No, I do.\nPam: But not to us.\nJan: Insightful, Pam.\nPam: You did good, Dwight. It's okay. I mean, seriously, Jan's not normal. Let's just go. She's not going to sell to us.\nDwight: Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I'll be right back.\nPam: What?\nJan: Pam?\nPam: Yeah.\nJan: I'm a very busy woman, so...\nPam: Yeah. Um, do you have any other pictures of Astrid?\nJan: Fine. I will show you one... slide show.\nPete: Erin, did this call...\nErin: Uh!\nPete: What?\nErin: Sorry, I uh, just saw your face.\nPete: Oh, I'm sorry. It's for the thing.\nErin: I know. That's great. It just - it makes it look like there's an eyebrow in the middle of your face.\nPete: Wow.\nErin: A handsome eyebrow, but, um... it makes your mouth look like an eye socket... which isn't bad.\nPete: Uh-huh.\nErin: But um, you look like a cyclops whose eye... fell out... Which is great. It's such a great cause.\nPete: Yeah.\nErin: [chuckles]\nJan: [audio from slide show, singing] Mommy, you're a princess. Mommy, you're a superstar. Mommy you're the greatest. How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es?\nPam: Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever.\nJan: Aw.\nPam: And it is so cute how she signs her name.\nJan: [chuckles] Well, that - that was - that was me too.\nPam: Oh, okay. It's just that's how Cece does it with the backwards 'E's.\nJan: Cece can't spell her name.\nPam: Oh, actually she can.\nJan: Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, 'Cece' is two letters and 'Astrid' is... I mean, there's even some adults who - who - who can't spell it.\nPam: Of course.\nJan: Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam.\nPam: Um... 'A'... 'X'? I don't - you got me.\nJan: Don't patronize me.\nPam: [whispering] I'm so sorry. I hate this. You're better.\nAngela: [whispering] Okay, we should go now. Let's go.\nOscar: [stammering wildly] Just wait. Just a minute. Just watch. [scoffs]\nAngela: Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can't get enough of the show? Your jollies are all on fire -\nOscar: [whispering] Please. It's Robert who's enjoying it.\nAngela: What?\nOscar: This could be the affair that you're scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are. [pause] But uh, he's probably not gay. He's straight. He's straight, so...\nPam: Mm. Excuse me. Could I get some more water?\nJan: No.\nDwight: Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I've got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.\nPam: Oh, my God.\nClark: Where's the Quizno's?\nDwight: You're the Quizno's. [chuckles] Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn't quite meeting your needs - nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name?\nJan: I - I -\nDwight: Hmm?\nJan: I don't recall. And yes, Molly is crap.\nPam: Okay, you do not have to do this.\nClark: Do what? Get into sales? That's what I want.\nDwight: He's been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.\nJan: Will you uh, [clicks tongue] you. Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight you can go. I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business.\nDwight: Very good.\nJan: [to Clark] Do you have a valid passport?\nJim: Jim Halpert.\nColin: [on phone] Hey, it's Colin.\nJim: Hey man. I am so sorry about that.\nColin: I know. Don't worry about it.\nJim: [laughs]\nColin: It's just... it's not totally working.\nJim: Yeah. No, I know. This whole telecommuting thing - not ideal. But don't worry. I'll figure it out.\nColin: Yeah, well, it's not just not ideal. I mean, with you there, I don't know how we're gonna do this.\nJim: Uh, what does - what does that mean?\nAngela: Oscar, what is happening here? Why would you say you think the senator might be gay?\nOscar: I don't know, Angela. I'm dehydrated. Maybe... You heard me wrong. We should just go.\nAngela: Look, look, look. Here he comes. Here he comes. What is he doing?\nOscar: He's making a phone call.\nAngela: [ducking under table with Oscar] Oh. Oh.\nOscar: [phone vibrates, rings]\nPam: Oh, hey, Molly. You should just quit.\nMolly: Thanks. Okay.\nDwight: Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can't be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings.\nPam: Dwight, that was really nice. You should ask for her number.\nDwight: Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL.\nPam: That's a license number?\nDwight: That's all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know.\nPam: Oh. Why me?\nDwight: Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It's like air to you people. Ugh, God. [retching]"}
{"text": "Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I'm having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual.\nOscar: Good morning. [clears throat]\nAngela: Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question?\nOscar: [whispering] Of course, ask me a que- ��questions.\nAngela: Is it cool in here to you?\nOscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes.\nAngela: I think the thermostat is acting up again.\nOscar: It's the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs.\nAngela: Thank you.\nOscar: No, thank you, Angela.\nOscar: She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.\nDwight: Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.\nPam: These are my painting clothes.I think I'm gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds]\nMeredith: Sure you don't want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one.\nJim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?\nPam: Are you avoiding your phone call?\nJim: What? Yeah, right. As if.\nJim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there.\nPam: Last week Jim wasn't there, and they named the company Athlead.\nJim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.\nPam: Tell them your opening line.\nJim: [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?\nPam: I think it's good. He likes fishing.\nJim: This is gonna be awful.\nPete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information's already on the computer, so...why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to 'chillax,' and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. ��Fight the power.\nAngela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.\nAngela: [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh!\nDwight: Come on in, the water's fine.\nAngela: Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.\nDwight: I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks]\nAngela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.\nDwight: Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband?\nAngela: My marriage is in danger. I don't know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.\nDwight: [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?\nAngela: Something like that.\nDwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.\nAngela: Can you arrange a meeting?\nDwight: I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text.\nAngela: Okay.\nDwight: Text went through.\nAngela: Okay.\nDwight: All we can do is sit and wait.\nAngela: Okay.\nDwight: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem.\nJim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.\nDavid: [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there's a crisis - the more I think about it -\nJim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I'm gone.\nDavid: They did?\nJim: Yep.\nDavid: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes- Maybe this can work.\nJim: Oh, great.\nStanley: Why should we help you?\nJim: Because we're friends.\nStanley: When is my birthday?\nJim: Unfair. When's my birthday?\nStanley: I don't know, because we're not friends.\nJim: How about this- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?\nStanley: Now we're talkin'.\nJim: All right.\nPhyllis: Yeah.\nKevin: Make it go taller.\nPete: That's the idea.\nKevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands]\nPete: Well, I've gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher.\nKevin: You're not getting this, Peter. ��Make it go wider... up!\nPete: Will do.\nDarryl: [entering] What are y'all doing?\nKevin: Me and Pete are building a tower.\nDarryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right?\nKevin: Obviously. He's a sweet kid, Darryl. But he's not the sharpest guy in the drawer.\nPete: Kevin, I can hear you.\nKevin: Huh?\nAngela: Ow! Dwight! Ow!\nDwight: Get in the van.\nAngela: God!\nTrevor: Is it safe to talk?\nDwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good.\nAngela: So what are your credentials?\nTrevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I'm damn good at it.\nAngela: Do you have a gun?\nDwight: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her.\nTrevor: You tell me.\nAngela: What is this?\nTrevor: It's the receipt for my gun.\nAngela: You don't carry it with you?\nTrevor: Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.\nDwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him?\nTrevor: Now I keep it in a safe.\nDwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe?\nTrevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt]\nDwight: Wow!\nPam: [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It's just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I'm gonna limit myself to one shrub.\nHide: You paint wall now?\nPam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that...\nHide: You paint now.\nPam: It's probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.\nHide: I wait.\nMeredith: Sweet.\nErin: Yay!\nDarryl: That's what I'm talkin' about.\nPete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote 'sausage factory.'\nMeredith: Oh OOOH!\nEveryone: [approving cheers]\nMeredith: Boom!\nDarryl: Bang.\nKevin: Yep, yep, yep.\nPete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.\nCreed: Let's find out what I did.\nPete: All right.\nDwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job.\nTrevor: And that's all off the books?\nAngela: Obviously.\nTrevor: Nice. No taxes.\nAngela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.\nTrevor: So what's the job?\nAngela: Murder.\nTrevor: Okay, that's the big one. That's the big 'M.'\nDwight: You can't have someone murdered.\nAngela: What if they deserved it?\nDwight: What did they do to you, Angela?\nAngela: They're sleeping with my husband.\nDwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.\nTrevor: This seems a little crazy.\nDwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you.\nTrevor: But I think I'm up for it.\nDwight: No! No!\nAngela: Thank you.\nDwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch-\nTrevor: That's very effective. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating.\nAngela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.\nTrevor: What about a knee-capping?\nDwight: No! You're not helping, Trevor!\nAngela: Yes, a knee-capping could work.\nDwight: No. Angela! What are you saying?\nAngela: You said you would be there for me.\nDwight: I'm trying, but what you're asking is-\nAngela: It's the only thing that will make this right.\nDwight: Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn.\nTrevor: All right, then it's settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back.\nJim: You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone.\nStanley: We've got all afternoon to talk about that.\nWaiter: Morning, folks.\nStanley: I'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.\nWaiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob-\nStanley: Not enough lobster. Side order.\nPhyllis: How much wine do you have?\nOscar: I brought you a cookie.\nAngela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You're such an angel.\nOscar: [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we're good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah- Well, I gotta go now, but- Okay, bye. Bye.\nPete: There we go.\nEveryone: [cheers and applause]\nPete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.\nNellie: Oooohh... you salty dog.\nDarryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player's gotta play.\nPete: There you go.\nDarryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I'm gonna let them think the other thing.\nKevin: Okay, I got this one.\nNellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful\nKevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath.\nEveryone: [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin!\nNellie: What did I just say? What did I just say?\nPete: Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. Just a mistake. That's what this tower's all about - ��mistakes. Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. Show of hands - who here has never had a complaint? That's right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let's get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?\nKevin: Yeah.\nPete: There we go. All right, let's do it.\nJim: You know, at the end of the day, it's really only two days. I mean, I'll be back in the office. ��If you need me for an emergency, call me. ��I'll be there...\nPhyllis: You know what? I don't know where the years went. '��Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them.\nJim: Tell me about it.\nPhyllis: Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I don't know.\nJim: All right. You know what? ��Maybe we'll just... We'll go slow.\nPhyllis: No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate]\nPete: All right. Check it out.\nEveryone: [cheers and applause]\nPete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!\nKevin: Nice. ��Pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling.\nErin: Whoo!\nPete: Can you hand me a card?\nErin: Um,. it's empty.\nPete: What?\nNellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card.\nEveryone: No!!\nMeredith: That's cheating.\nPam: I could get us a complaint.\nMeredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.\nPam: No, I wouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I'd like to try.\nNellie: Hmm. Yeah. ��All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam...\nEveryone: [chanting] 'Pam!'\nAngela: What? Why did you call me out here?\nDwight: The target- it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other.\nAngela: I don't know what you're talking about.\nDwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.\nAngela: Fine! It's Oscar. So what?\nDwight: Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker- Dare I say, a friend?\nAngela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.\nDwight: I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.\nAngela: Well, you might be right. But it's too late now.\nDwight: What do you mean?\nAngela: He's here.\nDwight: No! No, no! [groans]\nDwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.\nOscar: What?\nDwight: Come - come with me.\nOscar: What are you doing?\nDwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary.\nMeredith: Yahtzee.\nTrevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.\nKevin: I am Oscar Martinez.\nAngela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside.\nKevin: Wha- wh-\nAngela: You know, there's doughnuts in the break room.\nKevin: Nice! Yeah.\nJim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over.\nStanley: Don't be pushy Jim. It's tacky.\nJim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that's- that's decorative.\nPhyllis: No, there's wine in here.\nJim: Still decorative.\nStanley: Is it white wine?\nJim: No.\nPhyllis: [to customer] Can you help me?\nJim: Don't- don't- don't pole people with knives.\nPhyllis: [groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha!\nJim: Phyllis! ��Wow.\nStanley: Ooh, bring it over.\nPhyllis: Got it.\nDwight: There's no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.\nOscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you?\nDwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child?\nOscar: I don't know what you're talking about.\nDwight: Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. ��Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us.\nDwight: Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us.\nTrevor: Let's get it on. I'm gonna do this. I might- I might puke, but I'm gonna do this.\nDwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He's a Dunder-Mifflin man. He's my tribe.\nTrevor: I'm sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I'm gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues- Stop! No!\nOscar: I got it.\nDwight: Disarm!\nTrevor: You don't- [all three grunting]\nDwight: Don't move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others]\nTrevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay.\nDwight: No! No, Oscar. He's a friend. He's a friend.\nErin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They're family-owned, but don't let that take away from your edge!\nNellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.\nCreed: Remember, you're a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this.\nPam: [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, 'Hey, kool-aid.' Yeah, your mama's fat. This is Pam Halpert.\nPete: Did she buy it?\nPam: Basically I couldn't tell, but I think...\nNellie: Were they angry?\nPam: I- I thought they were confused at least...\nNellie: Okay.\nErin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!\nEveryone: [cheering]\nKevin: Nice. Nice.\nCreed: You did good. You did good.\nPete: See ya later, Heymont.\nDwight: No.\nTrevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend.\nOscar: What the hell, Dwight?\nDwight: See ya later, Trevor.\nOscar: you are incorrigible!\nDwight: I just saved your life. You're welcome!\nOscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!\nAngela: You deserved every bit of it! ��You made my husband gay.\nOscar: What- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him!\nAngela: No. No.\nOscar: Angela, until you face that, you're gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead - I won't stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me.\nAngela: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you.\nOscar: Angela, it's a lead freaking pipe.\nAngela: God! [kicks Oscar]\nOscar: Aah!\nAngela: You were supposed to be my friend.\nOscar: I'm so sorry. Angela-\nDwight: Oscar.\nPete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert...\nEveryone: [cheers and applause]\nPete: For insulting a client's recently deceased mother.\nNellie: Yes!\nPam: I did not know that.\nPete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life.\nPam: I'm so sorry.\nMeredith: Wow.\nPete: yeah. That's- that is terrible.\nEveryone: [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower]\nKevin: You did it.\nErin: Yeah!\nAngela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.\nDwight: You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid.\nAngela: [crying] Jazz is stupid! ��I mean, just play the right notes!\nDwight: I know. You're gonna be okay, Monkey.\nAngela: I don't like your friend Trevor.\nDwight: I don't like him either. ��And yet I really like him.\nJim: Well, we're here. Perfect. ��[covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket]\nPhyllis: We're gonna cover for you, ya know.\nStanley: [chuckles]\nJim: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or-\nStanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.\nPhyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.\nJim: This is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all-\nStanley: Shuckin' your peas.\nJim: Shuckin' the peas. ��You should go back to the first part, though. You are ��gonna ��cover for me?\nStanley: Yeah.\nPhyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.\nJim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you.\nPam: If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea ��that you can't please everybody all the time.\nHide: You paint very bad-\nPam: Shut up, Hide! ��I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I'm okay with that.\nDwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?\nToby: That is- that is a loaded question.\nAngela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.\nToby: He said that?\nAngela: Well, he didn't fight me hard on it.\nToby: I- I don't know if there's truth to- to, uh, to that.\nAngela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?\nToby: Oh... uh...\nAngela: Is it called red-vining?\nDwight: Is it called red-vining?\nToby: I don't...\nDwight: We heard it was called red-vining.\nAngela: People red vine.\nDwight: Where are gay mens' vaginas?\nToby: They don't have vaginas.\nDwight: What?\nToby: No. They're just regular men.\nDwight: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?\nToby: Uh... wow..."}
{"text": "Jim: [Sighs] I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes.\nPam: I'm sure it's fine. it's a blue shirt.\nJim: Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness?\nJim: I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I'd get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking.\nDwight: Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever.\nJim: So you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word 'Philadelphia'?\nDwight: Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning 'Love,' and adelph, meaning 'Adolf.' 'the city that loves Adolf.' Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle.\nErin: Oh...Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas everyone!\nAngela: No.\nNellie: Is It?\nErin: I mean, it says 'X-Mas party,' but I think we all know what that's code for.\nKevin: So we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us?\nAngela: Oh, right, like I'm responsible 'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee.\nKevin: Well, you are the one in charge of it.\nAngela: Don't blame me for something we all forgot.\nOscar: Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot.\nOscar: I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points.\nPhyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.\nMeredith: [Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!\nNellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-Cupcakes?\nKevin: Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?\nDwight: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.\nJim: Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?\nKevin: No.\nAngela: No!\nJim: Done, right?\nAngela: No.\nStanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas.\nMeredith: Topless Christmas.\nCreed: Tapas swiss miss.\nCreed: Spanish tapas, and swiss miss hot cocoa-What's so hard to understand?\nDwight: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.\nPhyllis: We already said no.\nAngela: No, no, no.\nNellie: Too weird.\nDwight: [Holds up a picture] This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.\nJim: I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy?\nAngela: [Blows a weak whistle] Party planning cimmittee, emgergency meeting. Now.\nPam: I'm on it.\nJim: Right.\nPete: I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses.\nErin: Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think-I think you mean John McCain.\nPete: Die hard reference.\nErin: I haven't seen it.\nPete: You haven't seen die hard?\nErin: Mm-Mmm.\nPete: Why haven't you seen die hard?\nErin: I don't know, I just haven't.\nKevin: Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it.\nErin: No.\nKevin: now, i have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho.'\nPete: Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs.'\nErin: None of this makes any sense to me!\nKevin: Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, 'Yippie-Ki-Yay, mother-'\nPete: Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans.\nKevin: Yes, you are right. Forgive me.\nPete: Oh, that's okay, bud.\nKevin: Nope. [Kevin walks out the door into the kitchen]\nPete: Common mistake.\nKevin: No, it's not.\nErin: [Points and Pete] Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie?\nPete: My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and loved doing it.\nErin: Okay, let's hear it.\nPete: Hear what?\nErin: Die hard. Every line. Go.\nPete: You don't like flying, do you?'\nErin: Don't change the subject.\nPete: No, that's the-\nErin: Movie is starting.\nJim: [In Kitchen] We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work.\nStanley: I love Philly. Dirty town.\nDarryl: [Comes up behind Jim and puts his hands on Jim's shoulders] Ah-Ha-Ha! Philly! Exciting stuff, man.\nJim: Whoo!\nDarryl: So you sure you remembered everything for your trip?\nJim: Yeah, I think so.\nDarryl: Think that through for a sec.\nDarryl: Yeah, Jim's going to philly tomorrow. He said he was gonna take me with him, but that was two months ago. And I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right?\nDarryl: What else could you possibly be forgetting?\nJim: Uh-\nDarryl: Things? People?\nToby: You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison [Jim and Daryl walk out of the kitchen] for something he may not have done.\nNellie: I'm sorry, the-Uh, the Scranton who?\nToby: The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago?\nNellie: [Gasps] Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand.\nToby: I-I could-I could talk about it.\nStanley: [Pats Nellie on the shoulder as he's walking by her] See you next Christmas.\nToby: I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back.\nPam: We're the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great...I think we all know what that would mean to us.\nPhyllis: Let's do it!\nPam: Yes! Phyllis!\nAngela: No. I don't want my name attached to this party.\nPam: What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?\nAngela: Please just take my name off of everything.\nOscar: Just take her name off of everything.\nPam: [Clears her throat] The party planning committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas.\nDwight: Yes! Yeah! [High Fives Jim] Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! [High Fives Pam] Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!\nPam: Dwight, there is one rule that you need to take very seriously.\nDwight: Uh-huh.\nPam: And that is...\nDwight: Uh, Oh.\nPam: That there are no rules.\nDwight: You have never been cooler.\nJim: Best Christmas ever.\nPam: You're welcome.\nJim: Thank you.\nDwight: [Plays a trumpet] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.\nMeredith: Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?\nDwight: That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.\nPam: What is it? [Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork] Don't touch it.\nDwight: [Comes running up at startles Pam] Somebody's found the hog maw.\nPam: Oh!\nDwight: What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.\nStanley: Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat.\nDwight: It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.\nJim: Can't wait.\nMeredith: Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?\nDwight: This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.\nOscar: How would anyone even know-\nDwight: Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook?\nJim: I don't know. Is it what you expected?\nPam: I feel like [Pam look's out the window and camera pans out in The Office]-Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem.\nJim: So happy right now.\nDwight: [Speaking German] Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. [Blows out the candle] Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.\nKevin: I wish my car had a bathroom.\nPete: Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that-'\nErin: [On a computer, checking the script] Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete.\nPete: That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes.\nErin: I don't know. This looks pretty legit. [Erin's cell phone chimes] Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land.\nErin: [Reading the email from Andy] 'What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see hobbit. Lates.'\nPete: Hey. Everything okay?\nErin: So what comes next?\nPete: Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, [Pete stands up] 'After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate-'\nErin: We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense.\nPete: Or we can just sit and talk, though.\nErin: No. No more talking. It's movie time.\nPete: I mean, are you sure...Um, yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car.\nErin: Oh, great. Great! So we're watching die hard, now. Good! This is a good plan.\nPete: Okay.\nToby: [To Nellie in the kitchen] Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight.\nKevin: [With his mouth full] I love this hog mama.\nPhyllis: Dwight said it's 'Hog maw.'\nKevin: [Chokes and spits it out] What is maw?!\nPhyllis: It's the lining of the stomach of-\nDwight: [Cackling] Ohh...[In a German Accent] Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I!\nJim: Yes, he is finally nigh.\nDwight: I am nigh!\nDwight: Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel.\nDwight: Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! [Runs over to Stanley and points at his stomach with a stick] Ohh...Too much strudel.\nJim: So he's kind of like santa, except dirty and worse.\nDwight: No, much better-No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel.\nJim: Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.\nPam: And the fear.\nDwight: Yes, exactly!\nPhyllis: Come on, Dwight, you're making this up.\nDwight: No.\nOscar: [Reading from his phone] This is a real thing. 'Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of st. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany.'\nAngela: Huh.\nPam: Wow.\nDwight: Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia?\nOscar: [Continues reading] 'His partner, zwarte piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface.'\nStanley: Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No.\nDwight: Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys. [Texts warehouse worker, Nate, to forget showing up as zwarte piet]\nPete: Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy?\nErin: Mm. [Chuckles]\nDarryl: [Talks drunk angry] Jim, that guy. [Scoffs] You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy...what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? [Sighs] It's awful.\nDwight: Take a bowl and pass it down.\nPhyllis: Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.\nDwight: No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.\nJim: Oh, it's like naughty or nice.\nDwight: No, impish or admirable.\nJim: Quick question-Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?\nDwight: I decided earlier.\nJim: Oh, nice. Did you check that list?\nDwight: Of course I checked it.\nJim: But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake.\nDwight: I checked it more than once.\nJim: Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's-\nDwight: Impish or admirable.\nJim: Damn.\nDwight: Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. [Jim claps] There you are.\nPhyllis: [Takes here gift out of her bowl] Oh. What are these?\nDwight: It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.\nPhyllis: I'd rather have the bowl.\nDwight: You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year [looks over at Angela, then back to Oscar]...as impish! [Smacks Oscar with a stick]\nOscar: Ow! You hit people with that thing?\nDwight: No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder [puts a mouse trap in Pam's bowl]\nJim: Ooh.\nPam: [Holds the mouse trap up] Mouse trap.\nDwight: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.\nJim: Oh, you know what? I gotta go.\nDwight: Stop giggling.\nPam: Oh, really? Already?\nJim: Yeah, it's all right.\nDwight: It's a punishment. [Turns to Jim] Hey, where are you going?\nJim: I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay.\nDwight: But you work tomorrow.\nJim: Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep.\nDwight: But we were gonna break the pig rib.\nJim: Ooh.\nDwight: Remember?\nJim: That's right.\nDwight: No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this-off with you!\nJim: Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody.\nDwight: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?\nJim: You know what? Yeah. Have at it.\nDwight: Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! [Jim holds his hands like a bowl] I judge your year as impish. [Hits Jim with stick]\nJim: Ooh! Are you nuts?\nDwight: [Hits Jim three more times] I judge you impish!\nJim: Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard.\nDwight: They're not abandoning the party. [Hit's Jim again]\nJim: Just-Just-Hey!\nJim: [As he's walking out] That's enough, I'm done! Okay? Agh!\nDwight: [Hits Jim some more] Impish! [Chases Jim out]\nJim: Aah! Ow!\nMeredith: Belsnickel, I gotta run out early too. [Leans up against the wall as Dwight comes back in]\nJim: [In the parking lot, holding his side, walking to the taxi, Pam follows] Oh...what was that? Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work. God. [To taxi driver] One second. Oh...\nPam: Well...this is it.\nJim: I'm probably never gonna see you again.\nPam: Shut up. I'm trying to be serious.\nJim: Okay, sorry, sorry.\nPam: I can't believe this is actually happening.\nJim: Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together. That was the perfect last Christmas party. All right, wish me luck.\nPam: Okay. [Jim and Pam hug] Good luck. You're gonna be great.\nJim: I'll call you when I get in.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: All right.\nPam: Love you.\nJim: Love you.\nPam: What's going on?\nDwight: Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. [To camera] And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight! [Takes off hat and beard]\nPhyllis: We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all thos people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero.\nAngela: Kevin. Kevin! Aaah. Stop it!\nNellie: Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there.\nToby: Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting.\nDarryl: Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing.\nDarryl: [At Meredtith] Boo!\nPam: For what it's worth, I liked your party better.\nDwight: Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.\nPam: I don't think anyone thought that.\nDwight: Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.\nPam: Well, that didn't have anything to do with you.\nDwight: I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.\nPam: Zero.\nDwight: Damn It!\nDarryl: I'm gonna tell Jim to go [Bleep] himself.\nErin: Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?\nPete: Yeah. Definitely. [Erin starts to cry] Hey, what's-Oh, no, come here. [Starts to put his arm around Erin] Hey, hey. Come on, huh?\nErin: [Sliding away from Pete] I'm still Andy's girlfriend.\nPete: Oh, yeah, of course. I know.\nErin: But you can leave your arm.\nPam: Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog?\nDwight: No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.\nJim: [Walks back into The Office] Yep, I did say that.\nPam: Jim!\nJim: What's going on? Where's the belsnickel?\nPam: Oh-Oh my god!\nJim: What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building.\nDwight: [Holds his finger to Jim's lips] Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash! [High fives Jim]\nPam: What happened? Did you miss your bus?\nJim: No. I just missed my wife.[Gives Pam a hug and a kiss]\nDwight: [Comes back in, holding up the pig rib] I found it!\nJim: And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m.\nDwight: Oh! [Pig rib breaks and Jim wins, and stuff splatters people. Everyone groans] Damn It! Jim got the bigger half.\nDarryl: [To himself] Back for more, huh? [Gets up and walks towards Jim]\nJim: Ooh, nog it. Let me get some nog. [Everyone talking Phyllis pours Jim some eggnog, as Daryl walks in] Thanks, Phyllis. Where's Andy?\nDarryl: You!\nJim: Oh, hey, man. [Daryl walks over to Jim, angrily and stares at Jim] Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview.\nDarryl: [Looking at Jim confused] That's great.\nJim: Right?\nDarryl: Thanks, man.\nJim: Hey, of course.\nDarryl: I shall come by at your convenience.\nJim: Thank you, sir. [Tips his glass to Daryl]\nDarryl: [Claps his hands once, spins around] Whoo!\nJim: Go get 'em.\nDarryl: [Falls backwards onto the food table] Oh! Whoa!\nDwight: Very impish.\nToby: Two dimes, seven nickels-Well, okay, no, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and-\nNellie: Shh. [Puts her finger to Toby's lips]\nToby: What? I was just explaining-\nNellie: Shh.\nToby: Why wouldn't it-\nNellie: [Put her finger to his lips again] Shh.\nToby: But why?\nNellie: No...more...talking.\nToby: Are you gonna kiss me?\nNellie: Yes. [Kisses Toby]"}
{"text": "Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.\nJim: I think they're going to the conference finals.\nKevin: No.\nJim: Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip]\nJim: I bit my lip at lunch today.\nDarryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough.\nKevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim in pain from his lip]\nJim: Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.\nKevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.\nJim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table]\nJim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!\nErin: Good morning, Meredith.\nPam: What?\nErin: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes.\nPam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.\nJim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.\nJim: [talking on phone] You sound tired. Everything ok?\nPam: Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?\nJim: Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right?\nWorker: Jim, limo's here.\nJim: Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting.\nPam: Oh, call me later!\nJim: Ok\nPam: Good luck!\nJim: Thanks!\nPam: Love you.\nJim: Love you too. Bye.\nVal: How you doing?\nDarryl: Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so...\nVal: It's how it has to be.\nDarryl: I know, I know. It's just hard.\nDarryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, 'What are you gonna do, breakup with me?' Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.\nDarryl: I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.\nVal: Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back]\nPam: Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today.\nMeredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.\nPam: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please?\nMeredith: Yes.\nPam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.\nMeredith: Hurry up already.\nErin: [checking Meredith's head] Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.\nErin: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice!\nAngela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?\nDwight: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.\nPam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.\nDwight: Just lice Pam?\nDwight: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.\nDwight: Make way, nope, inspect me.\nErin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.\nDwight: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant]\nPam: Stop that!\nAngela: Dwight!\nErin: Next!\nAngela: [getting her head checked] Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.\nPam: Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.\nOscar: Pam, really? Come on.\nMeredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.\nErin: Lice. More lice. [Angela shrieks in disgust] Angela has lice.\nAngela: Ew! Oh.\nErin: [checking Stanley's head] Ooh yabber, lice!\nErin: [checking Pam's head] Yikers, lice.\nPam: No! How? I'm so clean!\nErin: [checking Oscar's head] Oh yeah, big time lice.\nOscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.\nPhyllis: What are you wearing?\nDwight: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?\nNellie: No.\nKevin: No.\nDwight: Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.\nDarryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.\nPhyllis: You got dumped?\nDarryl: Yeah, she ended things.\nNellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.\nKevin: Here man. [Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate] You need that more than me.\nDarryl: Thanks, man.\nKevin: Yeah [kisses Darryl on the cheek]\nPam: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her.\nAngela: Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame.\nStanley: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.\nErin: No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back]\nStanley: Get off me!\nErin: I'm trying to save you from yourself!\nStanley: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls.\nPam: Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me.\nJim: Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary?\nLimo Driver: Yeah, take some home if you want.\nJim: Oh no, no, no. That's ok. [Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo] Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center?\nLimo Driver: No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court.\nJim: You gotta be kidding me.\nPam: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something.\nMeredith: [shaving her own head] Yes, Pam what do you want?\nPam: Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!?\nMeredith: Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.\nPam: Oh stop! I am so sorry!\nMeredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?\nPam: Nothing.\nPam: I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this.\nDwight: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!\nErin: No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats...\nDwight: To be burned!\nErin: To be washed.\nAngela: What do we do about our heads?\nDwight: I'm not gonna lie. Lye!\nErin: No, all we need is mayonnaise.\nAngela: Excuse me?\nPam: She's right, it works. I would imagine.\nErin: Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.\nOscar: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce.\nMeredith: [walks in conference room] Shaboom! How do you like me now!?\nAngela: Oh.\nOscar: Wow.\nMeredith: Take a picture. It will last longer.\nAngela: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.\nCreed: Bald people make me sick.\nMeredith: Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.\nErin: Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.\nPam: Oh! Uh, uh I'll go.\nAngela: Okay. Oh, thank you.\nOscar: You're a saint, Pam.\nPam: No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans?\nMeredith: Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.\nPam: Okay.\nDwight: Let's talk pubes, people.\nVal: Hey, Darryl.\nDarryl: Oh, hey Val.\nNellie: Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other.\nDarryl: Yeah.\nPhyllis: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?\nDarryl: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head.\nNellie: Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this.\nKevin: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake.\nPhyllis: Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake.\nNellie: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.\nKevin: An Escalade.\nNellie: Or what's her name.\nPhyllis: Val.\nNellie: Let's get Darryl Val.\nJulius Irving: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk.\nJim: Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this.\nJulius: Well, do you think you can sink one from deep?\nJim: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.\nJulius: Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow, Halpert's got game.\nJim: Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this?\nJulius: It's your wife? You better take it.\nJim: Right! [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything ok?\nPam: Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went.\nJim: It's still happening right now actually, so uh...\nPam: He's really making you work for it, huh?\nJim: Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay?\nPam: Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go.\nJim: Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that.\nJulius: No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think?\nJim: I love it.\nErin: [handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away.\nDwight: Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors]\nStanley: Put those away before you hurt yourself.\nDwight: [swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!\nErin: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.\nAngela: Oscar, do you want to be my partner?\nOscar: Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to..\nCreed: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay?\nErin: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete?\nPete: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man.\nPam: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?\nCreed: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.\nOscar: [Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head] Angela.\nAngela: You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up?\nMeredith: [putting mayo on Stanley's head] You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.\nPam: [putting mayo on Creed's head] Creed, I'm all done. My turn.\nCreed: I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy.\nPam: Well, wait.\nPete: [putting mayo on Erin's head] How's that?\nErin: I feel it working. [Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo] Eiffel tower!\nVal: Can I help you?\nPhyllis: Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl.\nVal: Yeah, that's true.\nPhyllis: We think you made a big, big mistake.\nKevin: Big mistake.\nNellie: Quite enormous.\nPhyllis: He's a real catch and you should take him back.\nVal: Ok, thank you. Is that all?\nNellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?\nVal: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?\nKevin: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?\nVal: No.\nKevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.\nVal: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.\nPam: [phone rings] Hello?\nHelene: [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice.\nPam: What, no. That can't...I don't...\nHelene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...[Pam hangs up phone]\nAngela: Oh my God.\nMeredith: Shave her head. Shave her head!\nPam: [everyone yelling at Pam]You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that...\nMeredith: Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall.\nDwight: [talking through the loud speaker] She's right Pam.\nPam: Is there a volume knob on that thing?\nDwight: Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.\nPam: Meredith, I am so sorry.\nAngela: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster.\nPam: I meant to say something earlier. I just...\nMeredith: Just? Just what? Just forgot?\nMeredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.\nDwight: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office]\nErin: Dwight, are you okay!?\nDwight: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses]\nErin: Wow. He got to purple.\nOscar: [Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head] Ow!\nAngela: Sorry.\nOscar: You're waterboarding me!\nAngela: Oops.\nKevin: [shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay.\nErin: You're up.\nPete: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go.\nErin: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.\nPete: Okay.\nErin: Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold?\nPete: No, it actually feels kinda nice.\nKevin: I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises]\nVal: Okay.\nDarryl: Huh?\nVal: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work.\nDarryl: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do.\nVal: You're not. I believe in us.\nDarryl: But... [Val kisses Darryl]\nDarryl: I'm back together with Val. Yay...\nDwight: I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off]\nPete: Hey, did Erin already take off?\nOscar: I guess so.\nPete: Okay.\nJulius: You're Kareem, coming to help.\nJim: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud.\nJulius: And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing]\nJim: And that's all?\nJulius: That's it.\nJim: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done.\nJulius: Yeah, you show me how.\nJim: [Jim's phone goes to voicemail] This is Jim Halpert, leave a message.\nPam: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you.\nMeredith: Hey, what you doing right now?\nPam: I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day.\nMeredith: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer.\nPam: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.\nMeredith: No duh. Let's go. You're buying.\nPam: Meredith, I am so sorry about today.\nMeredith: Forget about it.\nPam: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it.\nMeredith: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.\nPam: Get it, girl!\nPam: [Pam and Meredith singing karaoke] This one's for all you ladies out there.\nMeredith: [starts singing] I come...\nPam: Not yet.\nBoth: [singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun."}
{"text": "New Instant Message: Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! 'David Wallace\nDwight: Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business [chuckles]. Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family ' brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew.\nDwight: [on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of 'Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire'.\nJim: Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.\nDwight: Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky.\nJim: Okay. There's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.\nDwight: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.\nPhyllis: I have ears, Dwight.\nDwight: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?\nJim: Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.\nDwight: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.\nJim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?\nDwight: Mmm. That's a good' question. 300 times' [Jim hangs up] 180' Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.\nNellie: Darryl, looking good!\nDarryl: Heading to Philly. Interview with Jim's company.\nPam: Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him?\nDarryl: Why don't you come along and tell him yourself?\nPam: Ha ha. That'd be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get' What do you get? Oh my god! Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, I'm expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that?\nErin: Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details.\nPam: A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything's in order.\nErin: What? Everything? What, how do I make sure it's in order? I [laughs] haven't been trained for this.\nPam: [giggles] Okay, see you later.\nClark: Hey guys.\nPhyllis: Clark!\nMeredith: Hey!\nOscar: Hey, look who's back, Dwight Junior.\nKevin: Hey, so how was it? I mean' the sex with Jan.\nClark: A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.\nClark: Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was' like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uh' like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.\nMeredith: Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, 'Talk classy, act nasty'.\nClark: What's with the wig Meredith?\nMeredith: What, is it on backwards? [partially removes wig, revealing her bald head]\nClark: Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It's an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so' bon appetite.\nPhyllis: Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now that's Italian.\nOscar: My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time.\nMeredith: Always with the friends Oscar. Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine?\nOscar: Actually, it's pronounced 'espresso'' Wait. That's what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So'\nDwight: There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but'\nClark: If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.\nDwight: Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh' No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?\nClark: [sarcastically chuckling] I loved it.\nDwight: How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?\nClark: If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.\nDwight: Then looks like we have a deal' Son [holds up a suit identical to his]\nErin: Hi guys!\nPete: Hey, look who it is!\nErin: Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose.\nOscar: Try this one. [handing Erin a cup of espresso]\nErin: Thank you! [leaves the room]\nErin: I don't really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone's trust. About the pens.\nPam: You ready for your interview?\nDarryl: I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview.\nPam: Well, you shouldn't be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim.\nDarryl: Yeah, I guess'\nPam: Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair. [Darryl laughs]\nSuit Store Father: [chuckling] It's kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.\nDwight: You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy? [to Clark]\nClark: No, we sure hadn't Pop. [both chuckling]\nDwight: [Takes picture from desk] Oh! You're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? [grabs Clark's shoulder]\nClark: He calls me Clarky 'cause he's my Dad.\nDwight: Guilty!\nSuit Store Father: You don't meet many hunters these days.\nClark: My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he's like a serial killer' of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise]\nDwight: It was his birthday, just turned three. So'\nSuit Store Father: Ahh'\nOscar: You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy?\nNellie: No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder?\nKevin: Taste test? I'm in!\nOscar: YOLO! [singing and dancing]\nPhyllis: What? [everyone is confused]\nOscar: It's a thing. It means 'you only live once'.\nKevin: Yeah, we're aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it.\nOscar: Well'\nKevin: Alright everybody, who's in? [everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle] Angela? [Angela shakes her head] Don't make us come over there.\nAngela: No, I don't' no.\nKevin: Alright, let's go. [starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela]\nAngela: Can't I just agree without putting my hand in?\nNellie: Absolutely not!\nKevin: No way.\nAngela: Oh, fine. [puts a napkin on top of everyone else's hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin]\nKevin: Ok guys, 'we all drink them all'.\nEveryone: [Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley] We all drink them all!\nKevin: Yes!\nOscar: Yes!\nNellie: Whoo!\nPhyllis: Hey, where's my ring?\nCreed: I'm sure it'll turn up.\nAthlead Employee: [in the background] Yes ma'am, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. You'll see us on the right side, you can't miss us.\nDennis: 'And I want to reach every demographic possible.\nJim: No, I hear what you're saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright?\nDennis: We're talking weeks here, not months, right?\nJim: Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago.\nDennis: Alright. Good.\nJim: Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. [To Pam] Hey! How are you?\nPam: Good!\nJim: What are you doing here?\nPam: I just wanted to see you!\nJim: That's so great!\nDarryl: Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out!\nJim: It's pretty great, right? I mean, we're coming along' [to coworker] Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis's timeline\nWade: Okay\nJim: [back to Pam] Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home.\nDwight: 'But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy, does whatever I say.\nSuit Store Father: [sighs] I can't relate to that, my son hates my guts.\nDwight: Oh' really.\nSuit Store Father: Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that?\nDwight: [fumbling] Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son.\nClark: [enters] Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but' God I missed you!\nDwight: What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?\nClark: [confused] I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool.\nDwight: You're being disrespectful!\nClark: 'And I love you, for saying that.\nDwight: [whispers to Clark] We don't get along.\nClark: [catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is' our relationship is' terr-\nDwight: Terrible!\nClark: Terrible.\nDwight: Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!\nPam: Wow, this place is' so great. I had no idea ' on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky.\nJim: Well, I mean, I don't even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so' These things go down all the time.\nDarryl: If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it.\nJim: [to Pam] Are you cool to just hang out?\nPam: Sure, no problem.\nJim: Yeah? [to Darryl] You ready?\nDarryl: Yeah.\nJim: Let's do it!\nErin: The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, 'Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand' they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it's insane! I'm sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. I've never had an espresso before. They're good though.\nNellie: A-bam! [slams espresso cup on table] My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I've tried so far is Alpine Select!\nKevin: Yes! [giggles and picks up Angela]\nAngela: Ugh!\nKevin: One! [as he picks Angela up in the air]\nAngela: Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!\nKevin: Two' [picks Angela up again]\nAngela: Stop it!\nKevin: Three'\nOscar: That's enough Kevin.\nAngela: Stop it Kevin!\nKevin: Four!\nOscar: That's enough!\nAngela: Kevin!\nClark: So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.\nSuit Store Father: I heard that before'\nClark: Well, I understand, but '\nDwight: I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.\nClark: Here we go again, another lecture from the old man.\nSuit Store Father: Listen to him. He created you.\nDwight: Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. No wonder women despise you.\nClark: Women don't despise me'\nDwight: His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn't see it, or didn't wanna see it.\nClark: Alright, that's enough, 'cause I can say some things about him too.\nDwight: Yeah? Like what?\nClark: Like the time that you got drunk and, and then' Killed those kids on their way to prom!\nDwight: That never happened. He's always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught 'saving treats' from the kitty litter box.\nSuit Store Father: Really shameful'\nClark: So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-\nDwight: Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.\nClark: There's obviously a volume discount uh, if you-\nDwight: Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going 'please kitty, may I have some more?' You can't make this stuff up!\nClark: No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends.\nSuit Store Son: Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting.\nSuit Store Father: Here he is, my son.\nDwight: [scoffs] Got cat turd collector written all over him.\nSuit Store Son: 'Did you say cat turd collector?\nAthlead Employee: ...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we're just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, that's not a mandate.\nDarryl: 'Mandate'- Always think of two men on a date. [awkward moment] I have gay friends' I have one gay friend. [to Jim] Oscar?\nJim: Mm-hm\nAthlead Employee: Alright, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here?\nDarryl: [freezes] Ummm' [a moment later] Alright. Obviously y'all look really busy, and uh, I don't want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhh' Obviously I'm not qualified to be here man, I'm' I'm a warehouse manager, you know'\nAthlead Employee: Darryl, I was a newspaper editor.\nFemale Athlead Employee: Science teacher, volleyball coach.\n3rd Athlead Employee: I work at a home shopping network.\n4th Athlead Employee: I'm a laywer. I'm the only one here who can honestly help. [group chuckles]\nJim: And as you know, I was a paper salesman. [whispers to Darryl] Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. [group overhears and chuckles]\nDarryl: Cool. Hey, thanks'\nAthlead Employee: So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company?\nDarryl: Yes, as a matter of fact, I uh' [pulls booklets from his bag] I wrote some down. There you go. [passes out booklets] Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! [group laughs]\nStanley: Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here!\nStanley: I usually take a siesta about now.\nPete: [to Erin] Stocking pens, huh? You're like the new office administrator.\nErin: No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear.\nKevin: Pam! Pam, look out! Erin's gunning for your job!\nErin: No, I'm not! [Kevin imitates gunfire] It's not like that at all! Forget it, I'm so sorry.\nKevin: Pam, look out!\nErin: Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day you've had.\nAthlead Employee: By the way, Jim talks about you all the time.\nPam: That's sweet that he talks about me.\nAthlead Employee: It's too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though'\nPam: Well, that's funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia.\nAthlead Employee: We can't wait until you move here.\nSuit Store Son: I'm sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper?\nDwight: Do you mind? The men are talking.\nSuit Store Father: Sons used to idolize their fathers.\nDwight: Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?\nSuit Store Father: I'd love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I'm just here for human contract.\nSuit Store Son: Okay Pop'\nDwight: Wait, so you're the boss?\nSuit Store Son: That's right.\nClark: Hi, I'm Clark.\nSuit Store Son: Hey.\nClark: Let's talk.\nSuit Store Son: Okay.\nClark: So if you look at our catalog here'\nAthlead Employee: Well, thanks for coming down Darryl.\nFemale Athlead Employee: It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think you'd fit in great here.\nDarryl: Yeah, yeah me too. I think it'd be like' You know what? [grabs basketball] I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot' Perfecto! [shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish] Oh my god'\nPam: They're the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece.\nDarryl: So I'm like a three year old girl in this scenario'\nPam: Say they don't hire you. It's not like you're out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you.\nDarryl: And I'd only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, I'm' I'm not so sure I'd like living in Philadelphia.\nPam: Right? Thank you! It's just Philly. Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London.\nDarryl: Who needs it?\nPam: Not us.\nJim: [enters] Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. They're going to make you pay for the fish, and' they wanted to know when you can start.\nDarryl: What? [Jim shrugs] How about yesterday?\nPam: Congratulations.\nDarryl: Oh, thank you.\nPam: I guess you gotta move to Philly after all.\nDarryl: Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die!\nPam: No, I'm not upset. I'm really excited for Darryl' Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him.\nKevin: It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here.\nOscar: It's insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too!\nAngela: [banging on window] I don't get the point of this stupid window!\nClark: I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad's suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That's why his face always breaks out.\nSuit Store Son: Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? [Clark chuckles]\nClark: You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I'm going to need one right? If I'm ever going to get a 'real job' and move my 'lazy ass' out of your 'G.D. house'.\nSuit Store Son: He's got you there'\nSuit Store Son: [to Clark in dressing room] That's Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful' Although expensive.\nDwight: Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island.\nClark: Well, that's better than looking like the undertaker from boring island.\nDwight: That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much?\nClark: [emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit] How do I look?\nDwight: Actually' You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I'll take one too.\nOscar: Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to?\nNellie: Whoo!\nMeredith: Frickin' A!\nOscar: Huh?\nKevin: So long, noise!\nOscar: One, two, three! [all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath]\nNellie: And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble!\nOscar: Wait! [looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet] It's beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.\nMeredith: Tear up the carpet!\nNellie: Whoo!\nDarryl: Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That's how you do that, baby. It's all good, I'm ready. Y'all ready for this? [sings intro to 'Everybody dance now', points to Pam to sing first line]\nPam: [reluctantly] Everybody dance now' [Darryl continues singing]\nOscar: Kevin, move. I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.\nKevin: Well I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.\nAngela: Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin?\nNellie: Oh, enough with the whining already! Why don't you just have some more coffee?\nStanley: It's all gone. I didn't get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.\nCreed: I saw the leaves twitch!\nAngela: Shut up!\nCreed: You shut up!\nOscar: Everybody shut up and work!\nPhyllis: We don't work for you!\nKevin: Yeah!\nAngela: Yeah!\nStanley: Hey, it's five o'clock. [everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot]\nOscar: [with horns honking] Kevin, can-\nAngela: What's going on?\nDwight: Yes! We did it! [leaving the suit store]\nClark: You opened the door-\nDwight: And you closed it. The boys are back in town. [high fives Clark] High fives! Ha ha!\nClark: Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?\nDwight: You got me! [tickles Clark and chuckles] I used to collect them!\nClark: Why?\nDwight: Each one is very different, like a snowflake.\nPam: [shocked after seeing the torn up carpet] Hey' What happened here?\nErin: You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened.\nPam: 'Are the pens here?"}
{"text": "Dwight: Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. 'Scranton Mimeograph Corp?' I don't think we're doing business with them any time soon. That's odd. ��A letter from Robert Dunder. 'A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.' The Holy Grail.\nPam: [on phone]: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?\nJim: I think I'm a little too busy these days to s- [whispering] Oh ,my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.\nJim: The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then.\nKevin: I don't get it.\nDwight: Aha! A lightbulb.\nKevin: A lightbul-\nDwight: A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. [holding note over lamp] Invisible ink.\nKevin: Whoa.\nDwight: 'Higher than numbers go.' The ceiling above accounting!\nAngela: Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight!\nJim: [on phone]: Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end ...\nJim: ...and finds the... fake grail? No grail?\nPam: You don't remember?\nJim: I don't.\nDwight: An 'X.'\nOscar: Annex. It must open something in the annex.\nDwight: Oh.\nKevin: Whoa.\nDwight: 'Sedes introiti.' Seat of entrance.\nDwight: [shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards]\nPete: What?\nOscar: What?\nKevin: That's a flush.\nAll: [murmuring as Dwight holds up toy forklift]\nAll: The warehouse.\nPam: [on phone to Jim] There's nothing down here.\nJim: Oh, I expected more from young Halpert.\nDwight: Let's just forget it. Forget it. [warehouse worker dips donut into golden chalice]\nNellie: So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative?\nErin: Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack.\nNellie: Wow.\nErin: It's just Pete in sunglasses.\nNellie: Oh.\nErin: And then we had him 'Like' Dunder Mifflin.\nPete: Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them 'Like' Derek's 'Likes.'\nErin: So far, we're only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big.\nNellie: You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together.\nErin: All right.\nErin: Pete and I work well together - not that there's anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl- not that I'm into girls. Not that I'm into Pete. Ugh! What was the question?\nJim: Hey.\nCo-worker: Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch.\nJim: Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later.\nCo-worker #2: Uh sure. No problem.\nJim: Cece's ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. I've been working with her on her move. It's called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? It's kind of like this. It's pretty cute, right?\nDwight: Pfft, 'Athlead'? Please. They're too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it 'Stumpany,' for 'Stupid Company.'\nDarryl: Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. That's why I'm doing it.\nDwight: You're working for 'Stumpany' too?\nDarryl: Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, I'm switching over.\nDwight: What?\nDarryl: Yep.\nDwight: [on phone] Hey, Halpert, what's the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you're stealing Darryl too. When will it end?\nJim: Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity.\nDwight: You won't stop until you've poached us all.\nJim: Yeah. Even you.\nDwight: No. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let us lose me.\nJim: Bye, Dwight.\nJim: Hi. How are ya? Good to see you.\nPam: Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural?\nKevin: Ooh, I haven't heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato?\nPam: Oh, no, Kevin, it's not a joke. Angela's husband put me up for a- um, just never mind.\nAngela: I have no information. But I'm sure as soon as they know, they'll call you.\nPam: Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now I'm just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, let's be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with - some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb?\nPam: Well, I'm heading out to Cece's dance recital.\nOscar: Aw.\nPam: Hey, Cece, Daddy's gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited?\nCece: Yeah.\nPam: Let's call him.\nJim: Hey. I was just about to call you.\nPam: Hey, Hon, are you close?\nJim: I am still in Philly, actually.\nPam: What?\nJim: It's insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so I'm stuck here trying to keep him on board.\nPam: Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you weren't gonna make it.\nJim: Pam, I couldn't get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call.\nCece: I want Daddy.\nJim: You're gonna do great. And you know what? Mommy's gonna record it. So we'll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam?\nPam: Of course.\nJim: Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone?\nPam: Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something.\nJim: Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes you're not the best with the phone.\nPam: I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, we're getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, 'Bye, Daddy.'\nCece: Bye, Daddy.\nJim: Bye. ��[pause] Yep. See, you've still got to press 'End,' Pam.\nCece: Press 'End.'\nPete: Oh, check it out. This is our first real 'Like.'\nErin: Oh, my gosh!\nPete: Oh! All right, Alan Olson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific.\nErin: Wow. That guy's really into paper.\nPete: Yeah.\nNellie: Well done, you two.\nErin: We did it. Youth task force forever.\nPete: Yes.\nPete: [doing a series of hand bumps with Erin] Bap, bup, bup, bap. Wait. Did I go first and then you?\nErin: No, you go - okay.\nPete: All right, all right.Okay, start over.\nNellie: Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man. '��Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.' I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie.\nDwight: Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around - on me. Just sign your name below.\nAll: [murmuring]\nDwight: You're welcome.\nPhyllis: Wait. This says 'Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge'?\nDwight: This - uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want.\nOscar: 'Loyalty pledge'?\nDarryl: Come on, Dwight, stop overreacting. I'm getting all my work done here. No customers have complained. Nobody even knows.\nDwight: Yeah, we'll see about that.\nDwight: Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you've got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? 'Infuriating, irresponsible'...\nClark: They got us set up with Windows 95, ��so you're kind of dreaming here.\nDwight: Okay, I'm gonna need you to print it out.\nDwight: [writing on white board] Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because it's an idea. But what does it mean?\nKevin: Ooh, it's when you get a free sandwich after you've already eaten ten sandwiches.\nDwight: Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority- the client.\nMr. Romanko: I wouldn't say a rage.\nDarryl: Mr. Romanko, we were a day late on one of your deliveries, but two of our trucks were down for repairs. It's very unlikely it would happen again.\nMr. Romanko: Thank you. Thank you.\nDwight: No, you're not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl? ��L-\nDarryl: Loyalty.\nDwight: Loyalty.\nNellie: Loyalty is exactly right.\nDwight: Thank you.\nNellie: Yes. I mean, it is everything. Let's all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships?\nStanley: That's none of your damn business.\nNellie: Darryl is 'dating' Dunder Mifflin.\nDarryl: Darryl is dating Val... still.\nNellie: But he's flirting with Jim's company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to.\nMr. Romanko: I'm sorry. Do I still need to be here?\nDwight: Yes.\nNellie: I'm having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So let's- let's use an example. Take Erin. Erin's boyfriend Andy, is away across the ocean.\nDwight: Yeah.\nNellie: So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example?\nCreed: Let's try it out.\nNellie: No, let's- let's- let's not say Creed. Let's say Mr. X.\nAngela: Well, I think it would be immoral for Erin to cheat on Andy.\nErin: Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you cheat on Andy?\nAngela: Yes. And he didn't like it.\nPhyllis: Does Mr. X know that Erin has a boyfriend, or did Erin keep that from Mr. X?\nKevin: Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete because that's the guy that Erin's flirting with?\nDance Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, the Little Ladybug Ballerinas.\nBallerinas: One, two, three.\nParent in Audience: Really?\nPam: Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.\nBallerinas: One, two, three.\nPam: [whispering] Hello? Yes, this is Pam Halpert. I got the mural? [Loudly] Oh, my God!\nAudience: Shh!\nPam: [whispering] Um, I'm sorry. I have to go. My daughter's a ladybug. I know that doesn't make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you.\nParent in audience #2: You're very rude.\nParent in audience #1: Yes, very rude.\nPam: Shh! Kids are dancing.\nDwight: Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. [chuckles] So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself?\nDarryl: Dwight, look, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this, okay? Athlead is my future. No disrespect to Dunder Mifflin, but if I can have fun at work, I want that.\nDwight: It can't be more fun than selling paper and paper products.\nDarryl: It can.\nDwight: Are you pretending to be crazy, huh?\nPhyllis: Well, Andy's cute, but he's too vanilla, whereas Pete - he's just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird.\nErin: I'm just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I haven't done anything.\nMeredith: Yeah right. With slammin' bods like that, they ain't playing checkers.\nOscar: People, it's 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man?\nErin: Okay, can everyone please stop speaking for me? Andy is my boyfriend. Pete and I are just friends. And that's the end of it. Right, Pete?\nPete: That is correct. Come on, guys, where is this even coming from?\nKevin: Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your penis.\nAll: [groan]\nErin: Nellie, you have to shut down the task force. I'm not sure if you need to start a new task force to do that, but please just shut down the task force.\nNellie: I suppose that will- that will be all right, yeah.\nNellie: Most relationships eventually die on their own, but sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face. You're welcome, Andy. And you're welcome, my own ass.\nInvestor: Listen, I appreciate you taking the time with me.\nCo-worker: Peter, please. We completely understand your concerns here. Let us just show you the latest projections. Jim?\nJim: Uh, Wade actually has those on the road, but he's gonna be calling in with those numbers any second. So just hold on one s-\nJim: Oh, actually... uh, nope. That is my wife. Again, he'll be calling in any second.\nPam: [on phone] Hey, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance. Cece did great, and I want to tell you something.\nLonnie: Hey boss, you gotta jump on a delivery.\nDarryl: I don't do that anymore.\nLonnie: That's what they told me.\nDarryl: [sighs]\nDarryl: All right, let's get this over with.\nDwight: You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! [laughs] Here we go! Yeah!\nDwight: Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun!\nDarryl: How far is this place? [turns off radio]\nDwight: Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports. [throws small ball at Darryl]\nDarryl: Fun.\nToby: Hey, really nice job in that meeting in there.\nNellie: Oh, thank you. I don't know, I sort of thought-\nToby: [hugging Nellie] So proud of you, Hon.\nNellie: Oh, I don't know. Okay.\nToby: I'm just curious though, what do you have against Pete and Erin?\nNellie: Well, Andy wrote me a really nice recommendation letter for the adoption agency, and I- I just sort of felt I owed him one.\nToby: Pete's a pretty cool guy, though, and Andy was a terrible lover to Erin. He basically ignored her and left on a boat.\nNellie: I didn't really think about it like that.\nToby: Yeah, well... Not everybody has what we have.\nNellie: 'What we have'?\nToby: Mm-hmm.\nNellie: I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh, no. Oh, no.\nDwight: Yes. Fast food. I'll take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day.\nDarryl: They have fast food in Philly.\nDwight: Not like this.\nDarryl: Exactly like this.\nFast Food Worker: And your milkshake.\nDwight: Thank you.\nDarryl: It's 30 degrees out. You drinkin' a mildshake?\nDwight: Nope. [throwing milkshake] Fire in the hole! [laughs] Oh, yeah! Now that's what working at a paper company's all about!\nDwight: Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k- We have to go.\nDarryl: You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage.\nDwight: It's a youtube thing! Let's go. Let's go. Come on, they're coming.\nPam: Anyone want to see the video from Cece's recital?\nAngela: Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped... with that [picks up piece of paper].\nOscar: I'll watch it. Let's get this over with.\nPam: All right, you don't have to.\nKevin: Let's get this over with, Pam.\nPam: Okay.\nOscar: Oh.\nPam: Wait. What?\nPam: [recorded on phone] Excuse me, I have to get back to work.\nPam: Oh, no. I took a phone call in the middle of taping, and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off.\nOscar: User error. I've heard of that happening to other people.\nAngela: Oscar, don't rub it in. I'm sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child.\nPam: Well, it was an important phone call.\nPam: I haven't told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news, he's always like, 'Beesly!' I love that. Only thing better than getting the job- 'Beesly!' [chuckles]\nPete: Hey.\nErin: Hello, Peter.\nDwight: [cleaning up milkshake in restaurant] It barely even feels like a prank anymore.\nDarryl: You missed a spot.\nDrive Thru Customer: Fire in the hole! [throwing milkshake] Go! Go! Go! Go! [tires screech]\nDwight: Ha ha! Yeah, joke's on you buddy! They make you come back and clean it up!\nNellie: I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the youth task force.\nErin: Oh, no, I really don't think that's a good idea.\nNellie: Well, that is not your call. I made the decision. You have no choice in the matter, and everybody knows it.\nPete: Well, okay, then.\nErin: I guess we don't have a choice.\nNellie: Nope.\nPete: yeah.\nErin: Yeah.\nToby: Lady...you never stop surprising me.\nDwight: [sighs]\nDarryl: [clears throat]\nDwight: What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?\nDarryl: No. I was clearing my throat.\nMeredith: Good night.\nPam: Night\nCreed: Night\nPam: Night, Creed.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Hey.\nPam: So, how's it going?\nJim: We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. It's like everything I did, he just wouldn't go for it.\nPam: I'm so sorry.\nJim: I have no idea where we're gonna come up with this money, and we have to work insanely hard over the next few weeks.\nPam: [sighs] Oh, I'm sorry. I feel like you've already been working insanely hard.\nJim: Can you figure out how to upload Cece's dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up.\nPam: Um, actually, funny story - I didn't get it. I shouldn't have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all.\nJim: You're not serious, are you? You didn't get any of the recital?\nPam: No, I got the teacher introducing them and then the applause afterwards. But not so much of the middle part.\nJim: Come on, Pam. Pam, I asked you if you could use the phone, and you swore that you knew how.\nPam: Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sure we can get a copy. A lot of people were taping it.\nJim: Oh, great. So we'll see somebody else's kid with Cece in the background? I mean, it's really not that hard to film a video.\nPam: Is there- um... you want to ease up a little bit?\nJim: Look, Pam, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, what do I do? It's gone. That moment's just gone. I missed it.\nPam: I don't know, Jim - maybe you should have been there.\nJim: You're not serious, right? I mean, how is that fair? I'm in Philly. These are my days in Philly. You've agreed to this.\nPam: You know what? I- I- I don't think you want to start a conversation with me about what's fair. Okay? This is way more intense than I ever -\nJim: Pam, I'm not explaining this to you- Pam, I'm not going over this again.\nCo-worker: Jim. We need you.\nJim: I don't know how else to tell you, okay? I'm doing everything I can every week to bring home something...\nPam: I am- I am- I am trying to make everything perfect here, okay? So that you can have everything that you want.\nJim: I'm doing this just for me? Is that what I'm doing? I'm doing it just for me. If that's what you think, then this is a really sad night. But you know what? I got to go. Okay?\nPam: Yep.\nJim: We'll talk tomorrow?\nPam: Yep. I'll talk to you tomorrow.\nJim: Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow.\nPam: Bye. [quietly crying, sniffling]\nBrian: Hey, you okay?\nPam: What am I doing wrong, Brian?\nBrian: Nothing. You're doing the best you can.\nCameraman: Brian.\nBrian: Give her a minute. Give her a minute.\nPam: [crying]\nBrian: Hey, it's just a tough situation, all right?\nPam: It's getting tougher. I just didn't know that it was gonna be this hard.\nBrian: Yeah. Let's turn the cameras off. Seriously, guys. Enough. Enough.\nPam: Thank you.\nGuy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go!\nDarryl: [watching you tube video, laughing]\nGuy: [on video] I nailed that guy, dude. Oh yeah.\nDarryl: And replay.\nGuy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah.\nDarryl: [sighs] I'm gonna miss the paper business."}
{"text": "Pam: Hey Brian, you got a sec?\nBrian: Yeah, hold on a sec.\nPam: I feel awful.\nBrian: It's fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. [phone rings]\nErin: [in background] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.\nPam: Well, thanks for being a good friend.\nBrian: Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away?\nPam: Yeah, mostly.\nErin: Pam, phone call.\nPam: Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa.\nBrian: Will do.\nPam: Okay. Thank you.\nBrian: Sure.\nMeredith: Hey, boom guy.\nBrian: Oh, hey Meredith.\nMeredith: When are you gonna boom me?\nBrian: Uh, listen, they're cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It's a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna' I, I'll see you later.\nMeredith: Got it.\nClark: Hey, so I hear you're bringing in some people to interview for the sales job?\nDwight: That's right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.\nClark: Well, uh' see, you raised it.\nDwight: Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did.\nDwight: Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim's desk while he's away in Philly. Finally I'll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It's like, 'Really, Jim? You don't understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.' Wow.\nClark: You know what, man? I deserve this job.\nDwight: Mm-hmm.\nClark: I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond' and under.\nDwight: You know what? You're gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you're going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance.\nDwight: Clark has no chance. I mean, he's up against my buddy Rolf, for God's sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor ' he'll make you laugh so hard, you'll puke your pants.\nClark: This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome.\nDwight: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.\nJim: You could've just called that an alliance too, right?\nDwight: I chose my words very carefully.\nJim: Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that's only gonna make things worse.\nClark: [sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too?\nRolf: No. You're interviewing for it. I'm getting it.\nClark: Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I mean, I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen.\nRolf: I'm Rolf. Rolf Ahl.\nClark: Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl.\nRolf: Go to hell.\nClark: There he is.\nDwight: Hey. Come on, buddy. Let's do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don't compare. When you're with the R-O-L-F, you're literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. [laughs]\nRolf: Nice.\nDwight: Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy.\nPam: When are you talking to David Wallace?\nJim: I'm talking to him this afternoon, but don't get your hopes up.\nPam: Too late. My hopes are up.\nJim: Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we're scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix ' me asking the boss of the company I'm abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So' problem solved. Thanks, guys.\nDwight: And this chair's gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!\nJim: I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone.\nDwight: No doy!\nJim: I'm just gonna call you back. Thanks.\nRolf: I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don't do earbuds.\nDwight: [laughs] No earbuds! [both laugh]\nJim: I'm sure he's just nervous.\nPam: [sighs] It's fine. It's just a seating arrangement. Doesn't matter.\nDwight: So I've got your resume here, but it's not telling me everything.\nRolf: Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you're qualified to evaluate me?\nDwight: Well, I'm the one offering the job.\nRolf: What are your credentials?\nDwight: I've worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I'm an Assistant to the Regional Manager.\nRolf: I think I've heard everything I need to hear.\nDwight: Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I'm sure he'd give a reference.\nRolf: Thank you, Dwight. I'll be in touch.\nDwight: Well, they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next and he's a real professional. You say, 'Jump,' and he says, 'Oh who?' He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.\nDwight: What makes you think you'd be an effective paper salesman?\nTrevor: Ooh, okay. Didn't see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it.\nDwight: Well, it's a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman.\nTrevor: Pass. Next one.\nDwight: All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?\nTrevor: No, no and no.\nDwight: There were only two options.\nTrevor: Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking?\nDwight: This is a bus transfer.\nTrevor: [chuckles] Nothing gets by this guy.\nClark: Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview?\nJim: Sure, yeah, go ahead.\nClark: Thanks, dude. You'you sure it's okay? 'Cause you're kinda'\nJim: Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? You're clean, right?\nClark: Oh, Dove Men.\nJim: Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don't listen to it at all because we're at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so'\nClark: Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?\nJim: Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do.\nClark: Thanks, dude.\nJim: Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face.\nClark: Why?\nJim: I need you to breathe in my face right now.\nClark: [exhales]\nJim: What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?\nClark: Wintergreen.\nJim: I knew it, I knew it.\nClark: Yeah, good nose.\nJim: I looked at you coming around, and I said, 'Wintergreen.'\nDwight: I can't hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.\nDwight: Okay, here's one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can't rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party.\nClark: That's just a classic no-win situation.\nDwight: Thank you.\nClark: So I'd Kobayashi Maru it.\nDwight: Damn it! Perfect answer, again.\nClark: Yep.\nDwight: Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond '\nClark: You know what, Dwight?\nDwight: And anoth'\nClark: This interview's over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process.\nDwight: No.\nClark: Yeah. Star Trek rules.\nDwight: It does, but still no.\nClark: Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?\nDwight: Oh, you think they're my only friends? I've got way more friends than that, and they're all better than the losers who work here.\nStanley: This is not natural.\nOscar: Just ' I don't wanna make assumptions based on people's physical appearances.\nPam: Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?\nDarryl: They smell so bad.\nMeredith: If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right?\nKevin: Meredith, I tell you all the time.\nMeredith: [chuckles] Walked right into that one.\nDwight: Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise.\nDwight: What quality would make you a good sales associate?\nMose: People person.\nDwight: It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.\nMose: That's right.\nDwight: You know we live together, right?\nMose: Yes.\nDwight: And I've never seen you go to work, ever.\nMose: Okay.\nDwight: So why is this on your resume? [door slams]\nClark: So how'd you guys hear about the position?\nGabor: My'my mom.\nNate: Dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can't stay out of her stuff.\nZeke: Dwight's my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower.\nClark: You were in the shower or he was in the shower?\nZeke: Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's like, a ton of people in there.\nClark: So you guys all know Dwight already?\nMelvina: I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.\nGabor: I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.\nMelvina: You went to X-Men school too? [exhales]\nClark: X-Men school?\nDwight: When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.\nGabor: Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi's. A lot of telemarketing.\nAngela: I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.\nStanley: I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us.\nNellie: Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.\nJim: How is it my fault?\nNellie: Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.\nJim: But it's Dwight who's bring in all the weirdos.\nOscar: Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.\nPam: Hey, I'm the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim's away. I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. [sighs] Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.\nDavid Wallace: [on phone] Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later.\nJim: Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input'\nDwight: [presses speaker button] This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don't lie. I can tell if you're lying.\nDavid Wallace: Hey, Dwight. It's David.\nDwight: David.\nDavid Wallace: Jim says he'd like some say in the hiring process.\nDwight: Really? That's interesting. 'Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who's here every day. And frankly, killing it lately.\nJim: I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife'\nDavid Wallace: Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work.\nJim: Oh. Um'\nDavid Wallace: Yeah.\nJim: Okay. I can't say that that's not fair.\nDwight: Sounds fair to me, David.\nDavid Wallace: And I know we have a call scheduled for later '\nJim: Oh, yeah, so we'll just do that later.\nDwight: No. Why not do it now?\nDavid Wallace: Yeah. What's up Jim?\nJim: Uh' [clears throat] Well, it's about Athlead. I'm sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call?\nDwight: I'd love to be in the loop, David.\nDavid Wallace: It's okay. Go ahead, Jim.\nJim: There's a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor '\nDavid Wallace: Okay. Jim, I'm gonna have to stop you right there.\nJim: Yes, okay. Bye.\nDwight: [whispers] I'd love to invest.\nJim: No, thanks.\nDwight: I'd like to give you $100 million. [snickers] [phone ringing]\nHide: Why you make trees into bushes? You don't make paper from bushes.\nPam: Hide, they're giving out jobs upstairs. Why don't you go up and get one?\nHide: Thank you.\nPam: Yeah.\nTroy: Whoops.\nZeke: [patting Darryl's hair] It's dense. Like bread.\nJim: Dwight, you can't just hire someone 'cause they're your friend.\nDwight: I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.\nNellie: They're freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks.\nDwight: You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.\nDarryl: Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.\nWolf: Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch.\nDwight: Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch.\nDwight: Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of 'em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof.\nDwight: Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.\nWolf: Do you want this paper?\nDwight: I sure do.\nWolf: It's not very good.\nDwight: I will pay you whatever it takes.\nWolf: I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad.\nDwight: No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money.\nWolf: Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It's over.\nDwight: Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You're still at the 570 number?\nWolf: I am.\nDwight: Okay. Good, good, good. [sighs]\nHide: I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University.\nDwight: This isn't gonna work out.\nHide: Thank you. [chuckles]\nDwight: Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He's a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I'm hesitant. Why can't I pull the trigger on any of them?\nDwight: [groaning] No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. [knock at door]\nMelvina: Do you need to be changed?\nDwight: I do that myself now.\nMelvina: Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I've been double-parked for five hours. I'm wondering if I should move my car.\nDwight: No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes.\nMelvina: Well, the joke's on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas.\nTrevor: Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, we're still gonna be your friend.\nWolf: Yeah, whether it's me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvina'\nDwight: Or none of you [chuckles]\nWolf: Yeah, you'd bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us.\nTrevor: Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you.\nDwight: I wish I could hire all of you.\nZeke: I could start Monday.\nDwight: Psst. Jim Jim? [whispering] Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around.\nJim: Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I'm not looking south, I'm not livin'. That's what I always say.\nDwight: Just act natural. [grunts]\nDwight: And I was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.\nJim: But you know I wouldn't hire any of these all-stars.\nDwight: Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it's your call.\nJim: Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?\nDwight: I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn't picture any of them in the old gold and gray.\nJim: I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin.\nDwight: Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.\nJim: Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You?\nDwight: Yes. Thank you. Amazed.\nJim: And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you.\nSensei Ira: I'm sorry?\nDwight: What? This is such bullcrap!\nJim: Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say.\nDwight: Wow. So much crap. It's just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?\nJim: Too much now.\nDwight: Okay.\nNate: Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep.\nDwight: Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever.\nJim: That seems inconsiderate.\nRolf: No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Don't open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe.\nDwight: Guys, it wasn't up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn't my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor.\nTrevor: Well, my day's shot.\nRolf: Yeah, it's that weird hour where it's too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson's.\nWolf: I got it. Paintball.\nDwight: Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work?\nTrevor: [yelling] And what are we supposed to do until then?\nDwight: Okay.\nWolf: Let's just go, you guys.\nRolf: Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right?\nJim: All right. I think that went well.\nJim: So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that'll print out'Hey. Meet your new desk mate.\nClark: What's up good lookin'?\nPam: Oh, cool. Hey Clark.\nJim: Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering.\nPam: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate.\nJim: Okay. I'm really sorry I told the guys I'd be there for the board meeting.\nPam: Of course.\nJim: I'll call you when I get there.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: All right.\nPam: Bye.\nJim: Take care of my wife. I will be back.\nDwight: They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.\nClark: Hey, Pam, I'm going to the kitchen. You want anything?\nPam: I'm good.\nDwight: Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee.\nClark: Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.\nDwight: [scoffs]\nPam: Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy?\nDwight: Who, me?\nPam: Us.\nDwight: Absolutely, I do. [giggles]\nPam: Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, I'll distract him, you take that.\nDwight: Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that's great.\nPam: [shushes]\nPam & Dwight: [laughs]\nDwight: Aah!\nClark: No!\nDwight: Welcome to the club, pig! [laughs]\nPam: No, Dwight!\nDwight: Aah!\nJim: No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I'm gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does."}
{"text": "Nellie: Have you seen Darryl?\nErin: He's around here somewhere.\nNellie: Mmm. [exits, Erin smiles deviously]\nErin: Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. [checks for anyone around] Neither guy is here. And, it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies.\nErin: Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now, he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun.\nErin: [as Darryl descends stairs, Erin ascends carrying a giant teddy bear] Darryl. Meet... bear... ull.\nDarryl: How much did you pay for that?\nErin: Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe.\nDarryl: Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But, Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.\nErin: [exiting Darryl's office] Ha, ha, ha! Darryl, you are too much! [to Phyllis] That guy's hilarious. He's here today. [giant teddy bear is viewed in Darryl's office]\nPam: I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally OK with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody is doing. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But, I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um, it's really coming together... [sees mural] Oh my god! [camera pans to mural with butts painted over it] Wha? You've gotta be kidding me! What it... are those... are those butts? [to warehouse crew] Huh? No way. No way!\nAngela: Excuse me, everyone. Is it OK if I leave early from work today? It's Phillip's first birthday and the senator and I are hosting a party at our house.\nErin: Aw, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids.\nAngela: No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew. It will mostly be campaign donors.\nKevin: Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping... [pulls cash from wallet] 8 dollars to Lipton For America to have an invitation...\nAngela: No, no, please. You know, actually, none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about.\nOscar: [undertone] Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too.\nAngela: What?\nOscar: He said he wanted me there for support.\nAngela: I'm his! His... wife.\nOscar: Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. [laughs] Me.\nAngela: [on phone with Robert] We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public. It's humiliating for me. Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too.\nJim: [in Darryl and Jim's Philly apartment] Hey.\nDarryl: Hey.\nJim: We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly.\nDarryl: Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates.\nJim: And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's, uh, kinda nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down.\nDarryl: Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom.\nJim: I'm couching it!\nDarryl: Which usually means there's clothes all over the living room.\nJim: And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. And, I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?\nDarryl: I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just, he uses old t-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to [quote-unquote fingers] soak... He hooked me up with a job.\nPam: [ascends on lift, using megaphone] Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this will you please raise your hand. [no one replies] Hello? This is not over. OK? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? [descends on lift] Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice.\nPam: I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But, someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. [boom microphone bumps her head, she smiles] I mean, OK, not completely on my own. But, in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian.\nJim: Hey. So, Wade wants to send people to the Sloan conference. We gotta compile a list of our target clients.\nDarryl: Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first.\nJim: [to camera] Who is this guy? We are killing it.\nDarryl: Yes sir. [notices Jim's using his coffee mug]\nJim: Yeah!\nPam: [entering office] Conference room. Everybody. Now!\nDwight: You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting.\nPam: Yes, but David Wallace does. And he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff... That's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting.\nDwight: You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super secret, classified conference room meeting?\nPam: Yeah.\nDwight: Let's go everyone. Super secret, classified conference room meeting, now!\nPam: [to everyone in conference room] I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it.\nErin: I thought that's what you were doing.\nPam: Yeah, but this is different.\nErin: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?\nPam: I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So...\nErin: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.\nPam: Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... OK, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped.\nMeredith: Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83.\nCreed: Uh, 6783's also a good time. Less mileage.\nOscar: Pam, what can be done?\nPam: Yes. Thank you. Let's answer that question.\nOscar: I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.\nPam: What? Come on guys. We need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isn't just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Don't you see? How much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing.\nPhyllis: David Wallace called this meeting?\nPam: Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently, he is very passionate about public art.\nPam: [as everyone begin to leave] No, no. Come on, guys. Don't go.\nDwight: Pam, I'll help you.\nPam: You will?\nDwight: If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime.\nPam: Thank you.\nNellie: I am in too, Pam.\nPam: Yeah?\nNellie: Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored.\nPam: Great.\nPam: I was hoping for a righteous mob, and I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But, they both have a mob mentality. And, I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.\nDwight: [enters quickly] You need my pitchfork?\nAngela: [approaches Dwight as he leaves] Hey!\nDwight: What is it? I have vengeance to exact.\nAngela: Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event. And, I want you.\nDwight: Ah, I'm not interested.\nAngela: What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people.\nDwight: If I get the deicing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics. [exits]\nKevin: Hey. So, a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So, do you want me to go with you?\nAngela: No.\nKevin: OK. I understand. I'll just stay here, then. Alone with the money.\nAngela: Aw, crap.\nDwight: [in warehouse] I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own.\nFrank: You're gonna to compare 'um to the butts up there. [gestures mural]\nDwight: Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.\nGlenn: I'm not drawing a butt.\nNellie: All right then, they're bottoms. Uh, we should ask you to do big, rounded Ws.\nDwight: Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps.\nVal: OK, OK. I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go.\nDwight: Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts...\nNellie: Well, this is getting us nowhere.\nPam: We need another approach. Um, we need to fine the weakest one and separate him from the group. [they notice Nate struggling with a box] Yeah. I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him.\nDwight: We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. [holds up phone] Nate. Your mother is dying. [Nate reacts with grief]\nPam: See, I feel bad about that.\nDwight: It's all right. It's all right.\nNate: So, she's gonna pull through again? [all nod] That's great. Can I talk to her?\nDwight: No. She needs her rest again.\nNellie: Now listen. Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business.\nDwight: You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum.\nNate: Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt...\nPam: [interrupting] Tell us who defaced the mural!\nNate: [points at Warehouse Worker Frank] He did it.\nPam: All right. You can go. Give him his gum.\nDwight: There's no gum. There never was any gum.\nNate: [leaving] That's really rude.\nKevin: [at Phillip's party] Opening with pub pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck.\nOscar: [noticing a portrait of Angela on the wall] That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?\nParty Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton. [guests applaud]\nSenator: Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming. Phillip had no idea he was so popular.\nAngela: [laughs] Oh, Robert, you're horrible. [to other guests] Simon, Maxine. [sarcastically] Who let you guys in here?\nAthlead Employee: [points to Jim and Darryl] This is the team.\nJim: Nice job, man.\nDarryl: You too... Darryl.\nJim: [confused] What? [Darryl points at his thermos Jim has been using] Oh, man! I'm sorry about that.\nDarryl: It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes.\nJim: Oh, um... Are you really mad about this?\nDarryl: That's my go-to thermos. That's all.\nJim: Oh. It's your go-to therm. Oh, man. That's a bummer. I'm sorry about that.\nDarryl: No big deal. No big deal.\nJim: No, no. If it's a big deal, it's a big deal.\nDarryl: Nah, nah...\nJim: No big deal.\nDarryl: [as Jim empties thermos into trash] Nah, nah, nah. You don't have to do that.\nJim: Honestly, I don't mind. [long, awkward pause until thermos is empty] Did you want me to wash it for you or...\nDarryl: I don't know. You gonna wash it? Or you gonna let it soak?\nJim: [after tense pause] OK. Here ya go. [roughly hands Darryl his thermos]\nDarryl: Thank you.\nNellie: So, Frank. Do you have any thoughts about what was done? By you?\nPam: [to Nellie] Maybe, maybe I could, could get the ball rolling. [Nellie nods] Um, Frank? Hi. Pam. Um, I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So. Truly. If, if, I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn.\nToby: [Warehouse Worker Frank remains silent, picks ear] You sort of deserve an apology here. Frank?\nFrank: I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny.\nPam: Well, I didn't think that butt was funny.\nFrank: Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours.\nPam: What was that?\nFrank: You know what? You people can't fire me. So, screw you. [exits]\nPam: Whoa! Hey! That is not OK. What are you gonna do about that?\nToby: Uh... it... compliment...\nNellie: The first 'sorry' sounded sincere.\nToby: There were two or three 'sorry's in there. [mumbles along with Nellie]\nPam: That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy.\nDwight: Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out? Huh? Who won the hugging contest? Oh, let me guess. Everyone tied for first.\nPam: We should just take him down.\nDwight: Wait. Are you saying...\nPam: I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face.\nDwight: Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt.\nDwight: He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him.\nPam: Yes!\nDwight: A little eye for an eye action.\nPam: Yes!\nDwight: Go all Hammurabi on this clown.\nPam: We need an infiltrator.\nDwight: I know just the man for the job. [looks at Clark]\nPam: Clark?\nDwight: He even looks like a mole.\nOscar: One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.\nParty Guest: You two seem very close.\nSenator: Yes. We're good friends. Good friends.\nOscar: Yeah.\nSenator: You know, I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. For a long time, our party has turned it's back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. [puts arms around Oscar] I am a friend of the Latino community. And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. [guests laugh] Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable? Given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. [slaps Oscar's cheek] My friend. Mi amigo. Oscar. [guests applaud as he hugs Oscar]\nOscar: Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian.\nDarryl: Oh, hey.\nJim: Hey.\nDarryl: I usually watch TV during my lunch breaks. It's cool?\nJim: Yeah. Totally.\nDarryl: All right.\nJim: [after Darryl eyes him drinking from a thermos] It's mine. Don't worry.\nDarryl: I didn't say anything.\nJim: I don't think you had to.\nDarryl: Excuse me?\nJim: I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour I couldn't use that?\nDarryl: What you need flour for, Jim?\nJim: That's not the point.\nDarryl: What? You making bread?\nJim: No, I'm not making bread.\nDarryl: What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?\nJim: Darryl, it doesn't matter. I think you know the point I'm trying to make.\nDarryl: All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, I just... you know, I get finicky about my stuff. That's all.\nJim: It's all good. Are we all good?\nDarryl: We good.\nJim: What's that cooler?\nDarryl: Nothing. [pulls out a can of soda] It's mine. [Jim shakes his head] [after looking through DVR] What happened to my Tavis Smileys?\nJim: Oh, crap. Were those yours?\nDwight: [pulling Clark across the parking lot] I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?\nClark: Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys.\nDwight: Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work.\nClark: OK, boss. [quietly] Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like you're smarter than this.\nPam: Shh, shh.\nClark: This is never gonna work.\nPam: Shh. Remember your lines.\nClark: What lines?\nDwight: Go move some paper!\nPam: [to Darryl on phone] Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse?\nDarryl: He's not my hire, but I know who he is.\nPam: OK. What does he like? What's important to him? Does he have like a favorite pair of boots or a lunch box or...\nDarryl: What? Is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something?\nPam: Yeah, something like that.\nDarryl: I know he loves his pick up truck.\nPam: Oh, great! [to Dwight] His truck!\nDwight: Great. Get the plate number.\nPam: OK. [to Darryl] Do you know the plate... never mind. Why would you know that? And why would I be asking that?\nDwight: So we know which truck to van...\nDarryl: Hey. While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that?\nPam: Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye. [to Dwight] Come on. [camera pans to Clark duct taped to a chair]\nParty Photographer: Hold on a second. Uh, Sandeep? Let's get you closer to the senator. Just about there. Great. And, Oscar? I'm gonna need you to step a little closer to the senator, as well. Somewhere there.\nAngela: He's blocking me.\nSenator: It's only a photo, honey.\nParty Photographer: [to party waiter] Excuse me, uh, what's your name?\nParty Waiter: Sean.\nParty Photographer: LaShawn. Great. You wanna be in a photo? Right this way. [notices overweight man following] Not you. No.\nOscar: He put me here.\nAngela: He put you right in front of me?\nParty Photographer: Let's just wheel Margaret right in front...\nOscar: Ow! Robert?!\nSenator: Angela.\nParty Photographer: Smile. [Angela attempts to get in front of Oscar as pictures are taken]\nPam: I'm done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural?\nDwight: Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural, I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita.\nPam: Aw, Dwight. That's really sweet.\nDwight: Let's see yours.\nPam: Oh, no. Um, I, I'm embarrassed. It's stupid.\nDwight: This is amazing! Frank! And he's leaving a trail of poops?\nPam: Yeah. And he has saggy boobs.\nDwight: I saw that. That's great!\nPam: Yeah. I feel better.\nDwight: Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.\nPam: I know. You miss Angela, don't you?\nDwight: Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.\nPam: I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. The paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. But, I think the lesson will last a very...\nFrank: [exiting building and approaching Pam] Lady! My truck? You had no right!\nPam: No, you had no right!\nFrank: It's a $40,000 truck!\nPam: So? You started it!\nFrank: So? So someone need to shut you up! [attempts to attack Pam]\nBrian: Hey, hey, hey! [knocks Frank down with boom microphone]\nPam: Whoa.\nBrian: [as Frank gets up] Easy! [Frank grabs him]\nFrank: You son of a bitch!\nBrian: You're gonna hit a woman?\nSenator: Thanks so much for coming. Thanks so much. [to Oscar and Angela] Well. Have we all calmed down yet?\nOscar: Yes. Sorry about that.\nAngela: It was all my fault.\nSenator: Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you.\nKevin: Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck.\nSenator: I beg your pardon.\nKevin: You are like a terrible person. These guys care about you and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good. [Oscar and Angela exit looking pleased]\nPam: Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers.\nBrian: No. No, it's...\nPam: You shouldn't be fired. I mean, you were just protecting me.\nBrian: It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's... I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because you put so much into that.\nPam: Forget about my mural. It's stupid.\nBrian: No. You, you worked hard on that. That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him too.\nPam: It's crazy. Brian, I'm so sorry.\nBrian: Look. I don't, I don't wanna put myself where I don't belong. If you ever need me, you just call me. And I'll be there for you.\nPam: Thanks, Brian.\nBrian: Seeya.\nJim: Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that's just 'Roommates 101'.\nDarryl: [playing video game with Jim] Oh. Come on!\nJim: Oh. Oh!\nDarryl: Damn!\nJim: [imitating game announcer] You win. [Darryl throws empty can on floor] How good did that feel?\nDarryl: That felt really good, actually."}
{"text": "Pam: [to Jim] Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day.\nJim: It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday.\nPam: [makes magic trick hand gesture] Alakazam!\nJim: By the way, they do need an extra day next week.\nPam: And, poof! He disappears. [Jim snaps, playing along]\nErin: [to Pete] Hey! Wanna play hookey today?\nPete: Oh, maybe. What do you have in mind?\nErin: We can do anything you want.\nErin: I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip. He's been rude. He's been selfish. I think he's a big jerk. And I'm breaking up with him. Bam, Andy! How do you like me now?... I hope as a friend.\nPete: Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to 'send him to a farm'. And on his last day, we did everything he loved.\nErin: [has an idea and reveals a frisbee from under her desk] Wanna play catch in the parking lot?\nPete: [slightly surprised] Sure.\nErin: Great.\nPete: I'll get my coat.\nErin: Perfect. [Pete walks away eying the camera knowingly]\nDwight: [knocks on Andy's door, then pretends to answer as Andy] Come in.\nDwight: [talking to Andy's empty chair] Andy, hi. I just made another huge sale for the company that you manage. I need you to authorize that expense report and sign off on that contract.\nDwight: [pretending to be Andy] I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute. Rick-a-dick-doo, rick-a-dick-dick-dick, rick-a-dick-doo.\nDwight: I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.\nKevin: Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk.\nKevin: [to entire office]OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip.\nNellie: I say we all have one last fun boss-less day.\nMeredith: Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences.\nPhyllis: Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.\nStanley: Phil, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.\nPhyllis: Oh...\nAngela: They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed. [to Meredith] They use a watch repair kit.\nKevin: [to Angela] Ew! I'll be your foot buddy.\nNellie: Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager. I say we go to the mini mall. Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend so I can get the discount.\nClark: It's what I do. [everyone begins to leave]\nOscar: Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off. Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the...\nDarryl: No... yes, yes. Why wouldn't I... wanna pretend to be gay? Got no problem with that.\nOscar: All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous, just follow my...\nDarryl: [interrupting] Stop talking 'bout it. I said I'm fine with it.\nPam: [eating] These are gross.\nJim: They are terrible.\nPam: Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill.\nJim: Oh my god. That's so romantic.\nPam: It's with Brian and Alyssa.\nJim: Oh my god. That's less romantic.\nPam: I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life.\nJim: Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate?\nPam: That sounds nice.\nJim: I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy.\nNail stylist 1: Oh, tiny, poor lady is back. Oh, get the baby clipper. [other nails stylists gush over Angela]\nNail stylist 2: [to Clark] You take off your glasses.\nClark: Kay. [removes glasses]\nNellie: [nail stylist 2 giggles] What?\nNail stylist 2: Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl.\nNellie: My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. [both laugh at Clark]\nClark: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. [to nail manager] Excuse me. [gesturing he and Nellie] Full price. We're not together.\nNellie: Oh, come on!\nClark: She's living a lie.\nNellie: Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship.\nOscar: [to nail manager] Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.\nNail manager: No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.\nOscar: We are together. Romantically.\nNail manager: Two men? [other nail stylist speaks Korean to manager, both laugh] [gestures index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount.\nDarryl: Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes. And no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl exit holding hands]\nJim: [enters restaurant with Pam] Hey, Brian.\nBrian: Hey.\nPam: Sorry we're late.\nBrian: Oh, uh, no problem. I finished all the bread.\nPam: Ha,ha,ha, yeah OK.\nJim: What?\nPam: He's on a no carb thing. Supposedly.\nJim: Oh.\nBrian: It's, uh, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Are you kidding? Thank you, man. I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks for... everything. And I'm really sorry about the job. That just seems crazy.\nBrian: It's fine. What are you gonna do, you know? But, if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available.\nPam: Well, my dad can't hear a thing. You could boom his whole life for him.\nBrian: That's... OK, great. Does he pay well?\nPam: Where's Alyssa?\nBrian: Uh, yeah. Um, you know, Alyssa's, she's not gonna make it today.\nPam: Oh.\nBrian: Actually, we're not gonna make it. Um... we're splitting up.\nDwight: [to Andy's empty chair] I have yet another sales order for you to sign.\nDwight: [acting as Andy] Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo.\nAndy: [in his office doorway, bearded and unkept] Hi Dwight.\nDwight: You're back. [surveys Andy] And you're disgusting.\nPhyllis: [as everyone returns to the office] Ah, geez. My nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours.\nAndy: Well, well, well, look who it is.\nPhyllis: Andy.\nAndy: I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived.\nErin: Andy!\nAndy: Hey! Sweetheart! [approaches Erin] I have missed you so much.\nErin: [obviously avoiding Andy's embrace] Yes. [gives Andy high fives] Welcome back, buddy.\nAndy: [attempting to hug Erin as she resists] I have been dreaming of this moment.\nErin: Me too. So much. I'm so happy.\nErin: I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something.\nOscar: What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow.\nAndy: Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin. Hello? Super romantic. And I got you something. [removes wooden instruments from bag] Oh, it's a couple of pieces of bamboo. Big deal, right? No. These are musical instruments. It's so we can play island music together. Cause I have this. [removes g��iro and begins playing and singing] Clop the cloppers. Yeah, clop 'em. It's called Bembe. [sings while Kevin echoes]\nDwight: Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.\nAndy: Obviously, that's why I'm here. I mean, I came back early to surprise Erin. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. [tries to embrace Erin but she begins playing cloppers] But, I'm just saying, I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting.\nClark: Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months?\nDwight: No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. [Andy stalls] Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?\nAndy: I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know. But we've been in touch the whole time. I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks de Caicos, people. It's in every Bembe cafe.\nErin: He only emailed me four times.\nAndy: Question. Where's Jim?\nPhyllis: He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch.\nAndy: For two hours? Really?\nOscar: So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work?\nAndy: If the shoe fits. [plays g��iro and sings, Kevin echoes]\nBrian: We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then, everything just went numb.\nJim: Well, I mean, that's OK. It doesn't mean that it's over. Right? I mean, couples fight.\nBrian: Yeah. That's the thing. When we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. And, it wasn't until we stopped fighting that, we realized that it was over. You know, it's over. [overcome by emotion] I'm sorry, this is... oh my god, OK. [to Pam] We have to stop seeing each other like this. We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other.\nPam: [obviously flustered] Yeah.\nJim: What?\nBrian: At least my crying won't get you fired.\nJim: Crying?\nAndy: I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous.\nDwight: Thank you.\nAndy: And you sold it to Jan too.\nDwight: Yes!\nAndy: I mean... I'm impressed.\nDwight: [laughing together] Yeah!\nAndy: Well, there's one problem. Couldn't help but notice that you offered a price point that was not approved by the head office. So... gotta run that stuff by me, Dwight.\nDwight: You were on a boat.\nAndy: I was...\nDwight: On a boat.\nAndy: That...\nDwight: In the ocean.\nAndy: OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio? [Dwight resists] Just say the word 'coolio'.\nDwight: I'm not gonna say it.\nAndy: Say it.\nDwight: Not a word.\nAndy: Coolio.\nDwight: No! [Andy makes a call] What do you think you're doing?\nAndy: Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up.\nDwight: Don't you dare! Andy!\nJan: [on phone] Hello?\nAndy: Hey, Jan. Nard dog here.\nJan: Oh, Andy.\nAndy: I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup.\nJan: Really?\nAndy: Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to.\nJan: Hmm.\nDwight: [whispers] Coolio.\nJan: Seriously? You're calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what you're doing?\nDwight: Coolio. Coolio.\nAndy: No. No, no, no Jan I think you misunderstood.\nJan: Yeah.\nDwight: Coolio.\nAndy: It, it's, it's actually just an issue...\nJan: You know what? You know what, uh, Nard dog? There is an option in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing. So, I would like to exercise that option.\nDwight: No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.\nAndy: Jan, I don't know what he's talking about but...\nJan: Tell Angela to send me a final invoice.\nAndy: Well, ah, ah...\nDwight: Please Ja, Ja... [Jan hangs up]\nAndy: Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go.\nAndy: [approaching Accounting] Hey, everybody, great job. [to Angela] Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks.\nAngela: Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays. [hands Andy a folder]\nAndy: All right. Thank you very much. [examines checks] Looking good. [after noticing something on Angela's desk] Who's that little fella?\nAngela: It's a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded it's targets over the past quarter.\nAndy: Wow, that's wonderful!\nOscar: A quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone.\nAndy: Uh-huh.\nAngela: Uh-huh.\nAndy: Uh-huh... [after awkward pause] Uh-huh. [Angela hands him the bonus check] Thank you. Great. Well, we're all up to speed.\nDwight: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.\nClark: [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.\nKevin: He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right?\nDwight: God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.\nDwight: I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.\nNellie: I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?\nMeredith: Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?\nErin: Hey!\nPete: Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?\nErin: Guys. I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy and, believe me, I am too. But, he has been through a lot and we all used to love him, right? So, if he's gonna get in trouble, just let it be his fault not ours. I don't want that on my hands.\nDwight: Fine! The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway.\nAndy: [appears approaching group, shaved and in a suit] What's going on in here, dirty players? Let's get back to busting some paper rhymes. Come on. [singing] Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Andy! [resumes talking] All right. Back to work.\nPam: OK, I can tell you're mad at me. Do you wanna just, um, I don't know, tell me why?\nJim: I don't know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major, intimate detail. I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump. Who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy.\nPam: I didn't tell you about the crying because I didn't want you to know how upset I was. Because it would've stressed you out and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress.\nJim: Yeah, well. Yeah, OK. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you.\nPam: It's not Brian's fault.\nJim: No, you're right. And, and I'm not mad at Brian. And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason to be mad at all because I wasn't there. So, let's just forget about it.\nPam: OK.\nAndy: I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip.\nDwight: Well, we had the Scranton White Pages.\nAndy: Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people. OK?\nDavid Wallace: [enters] Hey guys.\nAndy: Hey! David! How are ya? Ah, we were just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. Not gonna lie, I get as much out of it as they do.\nDavid Wallace: Sounds great. Don't let me interrupt. What ever you guys have been doing this last quarter, I couldn't be happier with the numbers.\nAndy: Thank you.\nDavid Wallace: Well, finish up. I'm gonna meet with Val about that warehouse guy you had to let go and you and I will talk in 15 minutes?\nAndy: Great!\nDavid Wallace: [leaving] Great job, everybody!\nAndy: [whispering] We had to let a warehouse guy go?!\nKevin: You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank...\nDwight: [interrupting] ' lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.\nAndy: What?!\nDwight: Yeah.\nAndy: There was a fire in the warehouse?\nDwight: The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.\nKevin: Whoa.\nAndy: This is what I'm talking about! This would be good to know. All right, what else?\nPhyllis: We started selling balloons.\nAndy: What?!\nClark: Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin.\nAndy: No kidding?\nClark: Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless.\nAndy: Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50.\nClark: They're tasteful.\nAndy: Good, good. What else?\nAndy: Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire.\nDavid Wallace: What fire?\nAndy: The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes.\nDavid Wallace: It looked fine to me.\nAndy: [catches on to the ruse] I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.\nDavid Wallace: OK.\nAndy: I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well.\nDavid Wallace: [preparing to leave] Thanks, Andy.\nAndy: Thank you.\nDavid Wallace: All right. Everyone! [waves to office and exits]\nErin: [enters Andy's office to find him playing g��iro] Fish sounds great.\nAndy: Yeah, I guess.\nErin: Really playing the scales, huh?\nAndy: Yeah, it just sort of sounds like noise to me now. You think I need a new fish?\nErin: I don't love you anymore.\nAndy: What?\nErin: I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you.\nAndy: OK, I get it. You're unhappy. I've been gone a long time and we lost a little bit of juju. But, you and me, we have a future. There is a lot of love here.\nErin: I just said there isn't love.\nAndy: On your side. But there's tons on my side. It's gushing. We're just out of sync right now. But that's just timing, it's timing. I mean, my parents lasted 38, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time.\nErin: I guess.\nAndy: I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years? If we're lucky. I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun.\nErin: You got really sunburned.\nAndy: I'm gonna be a prune in like, 3 years.\nErin: Ugh.\nAndy: I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but, if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So, I'll feel good. And then, eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again.\nErin: You really think we can get that back?\nAndy: Yes. [hugs Erin] Come on. Totally.\nJim: You know what? Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight.\nPam: Oh?\nJim: Yeah. I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly and I'm sure you have stuff to do. So we can just... I don't know, drop me at the bus station?\nPam: Are you sure?\nJim: I just feel like we're gonna fight.\nPam: [obviously hurt] Yeah.\nJim: So... how 'bout let's not?\nPam: OK. [they begin to leave]\nJim: Oh, um. [pulls item from bag and hands to Pam] Happy Valentine's Day. Sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it.\nPam: [sees it's a drawing of hers, framed] Wow. I didn't know you kept this.\nJim: Yeah, yeah.\nPam: Thank you.\nJim: No problem.\nPam: I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight.\nJim: You really wanna fight on Valentine's Day?\nPam: Yeah, I do.\nJim: OK. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly.\nErin: Hi.\nPete: Hey, you OK?\nErin: I couldn't do it.\nPete: Oh.\nErin: I'm sorry.\nPete: Oh, you don't have to apologize. I just... I just want you to be happy. OK? [Erin smiles and kisses Pete]\nErin: [bursts into Andy's office] We're breaking up. And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months.\nDavid Wallace: [on phone] Hey, Andy. It's David. Still here. What was that about three months?"}
{"text": "David Wallace: ...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat!\nAndy: I resent that. I, I never lied to you.\nDavid: Really? [reading from phone] 'Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA.'\nAndy: And all was good in Scranton PA that day.\nDavid: 'By the way, Oscar says 'hi''\nAndy: Oscar says 'hi' all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. 'Hi' 'Hello' 'Hola' You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say 'hi'?\nDavid: Andy.\nAndy: But you're calling me a liar.\nDavid: Andy!\nAndy: By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately.\nDavid: Watch it Andy!\nAndy: Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. [Reading from phone] 'Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick.' Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED!\nDavid: My wife?\nAndy: This has been a really tough time.\nDavid: Yeah?\nAndy: Yeah.\nDavid: Has it?\nAndy: Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard.\nDavid: Shh.\nAndy: It was like a security blan-\nDavid: Andy.\nAndy: #NAME?\nDavid: Shh. I'm not gonna fire you.\nAndy: You're not?\nDavid: No.\nAndy: That's awesome.\nDavid: I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that.\nAndy: David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it.\nDavid: We are even...now. Understand? Got it?\nAndy: Crystal.\nDavid: You are on very- Hey, very thin ice.\nAndy: Vanilla. [David looks confused] Vanilla Ice. It was a band.\nAndy: Good morning.\nErin: Good morning.\nAndy: And how are you on this fine- [chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed]\nAndy: [Crying] Ok, we ready? [cut] Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.\nAndy: [Moaning from office] Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh\nPam: He sounds like a wounded animal.\nStanley: Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her.\nPhyllis: I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad.\nStanley: I'm the same way with horny people.\nPam: Ok. [Andy continues moaning]\nErin: Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.\nPam: [taking paper from Kevin] Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you.\nPam: Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. [laughs] I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.\nDwight: [on phone] No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do.\nDwight: [Jumps out from behind vending machine] I need you.\nAngela: Ahh! Dwight!\nDwight: And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.\nAngela: What? What is it?\nDwight: It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs.\nAngela: Dwight, that's awful.\nDwight: You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was 'poisoned' by Aunt Shirley.\nAngela: What do you mean by 'poisoned'?\nDwight: Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.\nAngela: Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt.\nDwight: Thank you.\nAngela: But I don't see how this is my problem.\nDwight: Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-\nAngela: Ugh.\nDwight: And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.\nAngela: Gah.\nDwight: There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.\nAngela: It's fine.\nDwight: It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?\nAngela: Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-\nDwight: It's a divet...\nAngela: I'll help you!\nDwight: ..where it was and it needs, it needs a...\nAngela: Ugh.\nAndy: Where are you going?\nPam: Uh, not on a three month boat trip.\nAndy: Wha? Oh, burn. [laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave.] Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?\nDwight: How dare you?\nAndy: I'm still the boss!\nErin: I...\nAndy: The answer is yes.\nErin: ..just have some messages for you.\nAndy: Are they from you?\nErin: Well no, they're from clients.\nAndy: Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it.\nErin: I can't. I-\nAndy: Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing.\nErin: These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.\nAndy: I don't want to talk about work right now.\nErin: Well I only want to talk about work right now.\nAndy: Then I want my big blue sweater back.\nErin: Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army.\nPete: I've got the seat adjusted right.\nClark: Perfect height, yeah.\nAndy: She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?\nPete: I was just leaving.\nAndy: Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.\nPete: I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.\nAndy: Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?\nClark: Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now.\nAndy: Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.\nClark: There you go, good for you.\nAndy: No.\nClark: You just let it all hang out, that's what...\nAndy: May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. [Andy leaves]\nClark: I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.\nDwight: Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight.\nShirley: Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.\nAngela: Hello Aunt Shirley.\nShirley: Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch.\nDwight: This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!\nShirley: New clothes? What for? [Aunt Shirley's boob shows]\nDwight: OK\nAngela: Oh, God.\nDwight: You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.\nAngela: Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?\nShirley: How would you like a mean cold slap? [slaps Angela]\nAngela: Ow!\nDwight: Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?\nShirley: I could do that.\nDwight: Ok.\nAngela: No. No.\nDwight: Yeah, trust me.\nAngela: No.\nDwight: It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.\nShirley: Step on it!\nAndy: Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.\nPhyllis: Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping.\nAndy: I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen.\nOscar: You're clearly snooping.\nCreed: That's kinda uncool, man.\nMeredith: Ah, come on.\nPhyllis: Andy!\nOscar: That's her private property.\nMeredith: Tell us!\nAndy: Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now?\nPhyllis: What does that even mean?\nMeredith: What's it say?\nPhyllis: Put it down.\nAndy: Everyone please, just-\nCreed: It's not cool.\nPhyllis: Put it down\nOscar: Andy. That is her private property.\nMeredith: Boo.\nAndy: Oh my god.\nStanley: Uh huh.\nPhyllis: See?\nStanley: That's where nosey'll get you.\nPhyllis: Told you so.\nAndy: Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone.\nDarryl: Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated.\nAndy: Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?\nKevin: Pete...\nClark: Hmm.\nKevin: Pete what?\nPete: It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.\nPam: [whispers] hello!\nJim: Hey! There she is. [Pam laughs] How you doin?\nPam: Hi! Hey, do I look ok?\nJim: You look great.\nPam: Ok\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: [pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset] What's that? Is that a-\nJim: Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. [Pam laughs]\nIsaac: Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door.\nPam: How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.\nIsaac: It's a phone?\nPam: Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it.\nIsaac: Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam.\nPam: Thanks.\nJim: You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you.\nPam: Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me.\nJim: [touches headset] Call you right back. What were you saying?\nPam: Ha ha.\nAthlead Coworker: Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line.\nJim: I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.[Pam laughs] OK, good luck!\nPam: Bye.\nAngela: Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.\nDwight: In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.\nShirley: [coughs and laughs in her sleep]\nDwight: Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.\nAngela: Spray her down?\nDwight: No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.\nPete: Hey.\nAndy: Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted [reading computer screen] shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh?\nPete: Yeah. [long pause] You were gone.\nAndy: I knew it!\nPete: For a long time, Andy.\nAndy: You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!\nPete: Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.\nAndy: No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!\nPete: What?\nAndy: Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. [singing] So you had a bad day-\nPete: Andy?\nAndy: ..The camera don't lie!\nPete: Andy.\nAndy: You're being an idiot get..\nPete: I'm trying..\nAndy: Out of my office, turns out you're fired...\nPete: Andy.\nAndy: Because you suck.\nPete: You can't fire-\nAndy: And you're fired...\nPete: If you want to talk to me\nAndy: So you had a bad day...\nPete: I'll be in the annex.\nAndy: Rut ti doh doh...\nPete: Alright? I'll be in the annex.\nAndy: Rut tit doh doh...\nPete: Toby!\nAndy: Rut ti doh doo doh\nPete: Toby?\nToby: You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?\nAndy: No.\nToby: Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges.\nAndy: Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.\nToby: Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin.\nAndy: They already have a contract? [Reading] 'Mutually agree to-' Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.\nToby: It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it.\nAndy: Well, I'm not signing away my rights.\nToby: I already signed it. I was just showing you.\nAndy: Ok, well we'll see about that. [crumples paper]\nToby: Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. [Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out] It's the original.\nMark: ...[singing] talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey guys! Say something.\nPam: Hello.\nMark: Hi, I'm Mark.\nPam: Hi, Pam, hello.\nMark: I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the 'N' word in that movie. It's, it's too soon.\nPam: I'm Pam Halpert.\nMark: Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. [laughs] He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it?\nPam: Oh my god. He's Michael Scott.\nShirley: Time to get clean!\nDwight: It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.\nAngela: You have to use chains?\nDwight: You'll see. Here we go.\nShirley: Let's get this show on the road.\nDwight: Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.\nAngela: Dwight!\nDwight: Let's get to it.\nAngela: No! No!\nDwight: Give it a whirl.\nAngela: Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.\nShirley: Stop your belly-aching and hose me.\nDwight: I need you to hose my aunt.\nAngela: No Dwight!\nDwight: OK you are useless.\nAngela: No, Dwight!\nDwight: Give me the hose!\nAngela: No Dwight, I won't- [hoses Dwight]\nDwight: Ahh! OK!\nAngela: [grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?\nDwight: Yes ma'am.\nAngela: Good.\nMark: This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok?\nToby: Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up.\nNellie: Um.\nToby: Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial...\nNellie: Oh no.\nToby: ...feel like I may have glossed over a few...\nNellie: No no no no.\nToby: ...minor points.\nNellie: No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.\nToby: I've been drafting a letter.\nNellie: For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it!\nMark: My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this...work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say 'Chillax' people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me.\nRoger: No. I heard you.\nMark: Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! [laughs] Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers.\nPam: [Mouths] Oh my god.\nAndy: Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.\nMeredith: Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk...\nAndy: Ugh.\nMeredith: Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.\nPhyllis: Come on Andy, they're a good match.\nAndy: That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.\nDarryl: Hey, Andy.\nAndy: What?!\nDarryl: You've got a booger bubble going on there.\nAndy: [wipes nose] Sorry.\nDarryl: It's ok.\nAndy: My whole life is a booger bubble!\nMark: This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. [Pam laughs] From The Smurfs movie.\nPam: Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-\nMark: What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it.\nPam: Oh, cause it was upside down. [both laugh]\nMark: You're a good audience. [Pam laughs]\nPam: So um-\nMark: Unlike some of these people around here.\nPam: Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-\nMark: Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean...you think they like me, Pam?\nPam: Yes.\nMark: [gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute...You have children?\nPam: Two children, yes.\nMark: You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be.\nPete: Hey. You got a sec to talk?\nAndy: Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood.\nPete: Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on.\nAndy: Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now.\nErin: Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.\nAndy: Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.\nPete: Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now.\nErin: See? We can all be friends!\nPete: Yeah.\nErin: Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward.\nPete: I do think we can have a fair...\nAndy: Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun.\nMark: Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So...\nPam: I am not pr-\nMark: You're not.\nPam: Pregnant, no.\nMark: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.\nPam: Wow.\nMark: Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-\nPam: I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager.\nMark: It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again.\nPam: So, kinda like a receptionist.\nMark: Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?\nPam: Yes.\nMark: Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted.\nPam: I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't.\nShirley: Ow! The braid is too tight.\nAngela: Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still.\nShirley: Yes ma'am.\nAngela: I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.\nShirley: Ok.\nAngela: There.\nShirley: Thank you Angela.\nToby: I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler.\nNellie: Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.\nDarryl: Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name.\nToby: Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. [Toby leaves]\nNellie: He's doing it.\nPam: [on phone] hey!\nJim: Hey, how'd the interview go?\nPam: Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so-\nJim: I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in.\nPam: Eight? Really?\nJim: I'll make it worth your while, I promise.\nPam: Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight.\nJim: Alright, love you.\nPam: Love you.\nAlice: Hi.\nErin: Hi.\nAlice: I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.\nErin: Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk.\nAlice: Ok, great. Thanks.\nMeredith: Fresh meat! Fresh meat! [Making kissing noises]\nErin: Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way.\nAlice: Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.\nErin: Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk.\nKevin: I'm Kevin.\nAlice: Pete?\nPete: Alice. Oh man.\nAlice: It's uh, been a while, huh?\nErin: What, do you two know each other?\nPete: Yeah. We uh, have a history.\nErin: Oh.\nAlice: History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years.\nErin: That's so random.\nPete: Well. Is it?\nErin: Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. [runs to front office]\nCreed: Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man.\nGabe: Hello beautiful.\nKevin: Didn't you two used to do it?\nGabe: We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.\nCreed: She's looking good.\nToby: Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb.\nToby: This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship.\nClark: So Pete was a librarian?\nAlice: He worked as a librarian freshman year.\nClark: Was he like the sexy librarian?\nPete: Ok.\nAlice: Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.\nAndy: Hi.\nAlice: Hi.\nAndy: Hi, how's it going?\nAlice: Hi. [laughs] Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-\nAndy: Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?\nPete: Andy, that is really inappropriate.\nAndy: Awkward.\nPete: It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived.\nAndy: [high pitched] Really uncomfortable situation.\nPete: Yeah.\nAndy: It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta 'move on'. Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. [leaves]\nAlice: So there's no marketing department.\nClark: No.\nPete: No.\nGabe: You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin.\nErin: So Andy just called you up out of the blue?\nGabe: Yeah. He told me you two broke up.\nErin: Yeah.\nGabe: You must be pretty horny. [Erin shakes head no]\nNellie: well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? [Toby nods] One week? [Toby shakes head] Ok, two weeks? [Toby nods] Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave.\nShirley: I feel like a show pony.\nDwight: And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.\nAngela: You're welcome. Would you like some stew?\nDwight: By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?\nAngela: Mmhm.\nDwight: Would you like the stink sack?\nAngela: Is it any good?\nDwight: No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.\nAngela: Thank you. [both laugh]\nShirley: So, when's the wedding?\nAngela: Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends.\nShirley: That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.\nPam: Hello?\nJim: Hey! Back here.\nPam: Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne?\nJim: Si, senor.\nPam: Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job.\nJim: Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?\nPam: Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate.\nJim: Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.\nPam: [laughs] You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.\nJim: Alright. So, tell me all about it.\nDwight: Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.\nAngela: It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. [They shake hands. Then kiss] Dwight, Dwight.\nDwight: Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse.\nAngela: No, Dwight. The Senator.\nDwight: Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey.\nAngela: I can't be your monkey, Dwight.\nDwight: I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.\nAngela: I made a vow. I gave my word.\nDwight: Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine.\nAngela: Good night, D.\nErin: How are you doing? Is it really rough?\nPete: It is so unpleasant. You?\nAndy: Hey, love turds. Conference room, now.\nAndy: Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day?\nGabe: Honestly, it was a little weird.\nAndy: Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?\nGabe: I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we're still in a relationship-\nErin: Gabe!\nGabe: ...a lot of the time.\nAndy: And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch.\nPete: Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy.\nAlice: Ok, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.\nPete: It was college. That is what you do.\nAlice: Yeah you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that.\nErin: Hey, Andy, is this at all work related?\nAndy: We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?\nGabe: [laughs] Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.\nErin: Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.\nGabe: I got a tattoo for you.\nErin: I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!\nGabe: Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.\nAlice: So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.\nPete: She's nice to me.\nAlice: How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.\nErin: Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's-\nGabe: I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.\nPete: Oh my god.\nGabe: What kind of music are you into, Peter?\nPete: Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.\nGabe: Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?\nPete: No!\nGabe: Erin, are you even hearing this?\nErin: He didn't even say that.\nAlice: He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can't even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else?\nGabe: Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night.\nErin: Gabe, I don't-\nGabe: Give me one night with you...\nErin: What is that supposed to mean?\nGabe: I have shaved everything...\nErin: I don't want you to shave everything.\nAlice: I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?!\nPete: I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. [Erin and Gabe argue in background]\nGabe: I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues]\nPete: Why don't you say in the beginning: 'This isn't really going that well'\nGabe: Shove his sashimi!\nErin: What do you-!\nAlice: Because I had to wait- [all argue]\nAndy: Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? [Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background] Yeah. Yeah, it does.\nPam: So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.\nJim: Tell me about the cologne. How much?\nPam: Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least.\nJim: You're definitely hoarding this by the way.\nPam: Guess what poster he had on his wall?\nJim: Austin Powers.\nPam: MmMm.\nJim: Ferris Bueller.\nPam: MmMm. You're getting colder.\nJim: Not Night at the Roxbury.\nPam: [laughs] No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.\nJim: I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?\nPam: I don't know, but it's interesting right?\nJim: It's fascinating.\nPam: He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.\nJim: That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right?\nPam: Mmhm.\nJim: So, next interview has to be better.\nPam: I don't know.\nJim: What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing.\nPam: I know. It's just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I want, um, I don't know if I want this.\nJim: [long pause] Huh. This is a little out of left field.\nPam: Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton.\nJim: And I have started a business in Philadelphia. [Pam shrugs]\nOscar's Computer: My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment.\nOscar: You could all be doing this, just saying.\nOscar: I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.\nStanley: Why can't you just do regular sit-ups?\nOscar: I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that's how you win. Alright [tries to pull himself up] Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy?\nKevin: Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now?\nOscar: Can someone please help me?\nPhyllis: Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please? [Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis]\nOscar: Just- People! I'm not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again and when that happens I'll be able to- Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? [Kevin shuts door] I- Hey! I'm not going anywhere! I'll be right here! Oh that's not good. [Oscars computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office.] Hey guys! I've got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza?"}
{"text": "Dwight: [as elevator door closes] Hold it!\nCreed: [notices something new about Dwight] New glasses.\nErin: Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.\nDwight: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.\nPam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?\nDwight: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.\nDwight: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.\nJim: My condolences.\nDwight: Keep them.\nJim: OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails?\nDwight: In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.\nErin: [after Dwight tosses dirt on her face] What color is it?\nPhyllis: It looks pretty black.\nKevin: [after Dwight tosses dirt in his face] Yep. Acidic, all right.\nOscar: [while Dwight prepares to toss dirt] Oh, thank god.\nDwight: Excuse me?\nOscar: I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session...\nDwight: OK. That's not... [tosses red dirt in Oscar's face]\nOscar: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.\nJim: [as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face] I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place.\nDwight: I really hope so. [unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam's face]\nJim: OK. [as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand] This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball.\nDwight: I miss her so much.\nJim: OK.\nDwight: You know? [Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim]\nMose: [playing guitar and singing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning'] Zeke's here.\nDwight: Zeke.\nZeke: Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says 'hi'.\nMose: Hi' to Mom.\nDwight: Are you going?\nMose: Will there be ghosts there?\nDwight: [simultaneously with Zeke] Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.\nZeke: You get in the sidecar.\nDwight: Get...\nDwight: [at the grave site, to Oscar] What are you doing here?\nOscar: You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.\nDwight: [smirking] Oh, yeah.\nOscar: [as a car approaches the grave site] Who is that?\nDwight: Jeb, my brother.\nOscar: You have a brother?\nDwight: Uh-huh.\nJeb: I didn't really see a better parking spot. [drives into the dug grave] Whoa! Look what I did. It's a rental. [Dwight approaches and hugs him] You wanna go in? [both attempt to put the other in the dug grave]\nErin: [upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office] Oh, gosh.\nTodd Packer: Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours.\nClark: [to Pam] Who's this guy?\nPam: ' bad.\nTodd Packer: Hi, all.\nPhyllis: Why are you here, Todd?\nTodd Packer: OK. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.\nKevin: Packer, we accept. [others disagree]\nTodd Packer: Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. [to Pam] Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years.\nPam: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.\nTodd Packer: Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place 'Nipples'.\nPam: I think it's called 'Nibbles'.\nTodd Packer: Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? [hands cupcake to Erin] There you go.\nPam: Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don't eat the cupcake.\nGerman Minister: We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.\nJeb: [gathers and tastes soil] Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here.\nDwight: Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.\nJeb: Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all.\nDwight: Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.\nJeb: It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow.\nDwight: Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.\nJeb: Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.\nGerman Minister: Would the family care to say something?\nDwight: You had black hair and then gray hair.\nZeke: You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4', at the end you were 5'1'.\nOscar: They're a descriptive people.\nFannie: [approaches and hugs Dwight] I see you started without me.\nDwight: You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?\nFannie: Well, I told you...\nJeb: Hi, Fannie.\nFannie: Hey.\nOscar: Who is that?\nZeke: Dwight's sister.\nOscar: Dwight has a sister?\nZeke: Yeah.\nOscar: She's beautiful.\nZeke: Blugh.\nDwight: [to his nephew Cameron] Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. [after a weak handshake] What is this? Oh, god. [after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up] Henry.\nHenry: Dwight.\nDwight: I see Esther's back in town.\nEsther: Hi Dwight.\nDwight: Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.\nEsther: This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.\nDwight: Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.\nFannie: We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.\nDwight: OK.\nHenry: Anyone mention her height?\nZeke: Yep.\nHenry: Land size? [all shake heads] [removes hat] Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. [replaces hat] OK. [drives away]\nDwight: So, let's get it going.\nGerman Minister: [approaches Fannie, offering a shotgun] Would you want to do the honors?\nFannie: Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don't think we have to do this.\nDwight: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.\nOscar: [after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it] That's it for me. [exits]\nPam: I don't think we should eat Packers' cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction.\nPhyllis: I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense. But, they're also really fluffy.\nPam: We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?\nCreed: $3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.\nCreed: I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.\nClark: Hey, man. I don't think we've met. I'm Clark.\nTodd Packer: Oh. I'm Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier.\nClark: You didn't actually say that.\nTodd Packer: No? Wow. I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. [Clark fake laughs] Hey. I have a crazy feeling [hands Clark a cupcake] that you are really gonna like this.\nStanley: Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. [to Nellie] And you did fire him.\nNellie: I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.\nPam: Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?\nAngela: Do they even have a bakery anymore?\nKevin: They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day.\nPam: So, it really is just about the cupcakes.\nAndy: Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes.\nPhyllis: So, we're all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes?\nMeredith: [as all agree] OK.\nPhyllis: OK. Packer can go to hell.\nAunt Shirley: [on a recorded video] Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.\nDwight: [agreeing with Shirley] Thank you.\nAunt Shirley: Jeb. A street pusher.\nJeb: After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out 'worm' means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.\nDwight: I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.\nAunt Shirley: We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it.\nFannie: Is she crazy? [as Dwight considers] Dwight?\nJeb: Buddy? Buddy?\nFannie: No, no, no.\nJeb: Snap out of it. Dwight?\nDwight: Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom.\nFannie: No, no, no. I'm not moving back here. Are you crazy?\nDwight: Of course you are.\nFannie: Look. I, I don't want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain... sort of sophistication.\nDwight: Oh my god.\nFannie: That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don't know. The men are just... it's almost like there's a... a willing ignorance.\nFannie: Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just... [reaches in to bag, removes folded paper] maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women's Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute.\nJeb: Totally. Yep. The people here are like [makes farting sound, laughs] Like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart?\nDwight: You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer.\nJeb: Couple of nights couldn't hurt.\nFannie: Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt.\nDwight: You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes.\nZeke: [as Dwight says 'yes'] Absolutely.\nZeke: Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian.\nFannie: That doesn't work on me.\nDwight: OK.\nFannie: By the way, that's not...\nDwight: [counts down in French]\nFannie: Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui.\nDwight: Oui.\nFannie: Oh my goodness.\nDwight: [while everyone is gathered playing and singing 'Sons & Daughters'] People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.\nFannie: [after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther] So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. [Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied]\nTodd Packer: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you.\nMeredith: I'm not sorry about it.\nTodd Packer: I am. It was my rock bottom.\nAngela: [while Kevin stares at his cupcake] Kevin, you can do this.\nKevin: You don't know that.\nPam: Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?\nAngela: Uh-huh.\nKevin: James Bond was a spy.\nPam: Yes. He was a good spy.\nKevin: Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake.\nTodd Packer: Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. [exits]\nTodd Packer: I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a [expletive] of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.\nPam: Guys, I'm proud of us. I think we did the right thing. [after noticing Angela easting cupcake] Hey!\nAngela: What, Pam?\nPam: [as others eat] Wait!\nAngela: He's gone. It's just a cupcake now.\nPam: No, no. It's the principle of the thing.\nAndy: [exits office, chewing] Oh my god. I forgive him so much. [Kevin begins making choking sounds] Whoa, is he choking?\nAngela: Kevin?\nKevin: [after long choking and refusing help from Meredith] Oh, that was fantastic.\nCameron: [after following Dwight to the chicken coop, before sunrise] Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them?\nDwight: Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens.\nCameron: I was just asking you something I didn't know.\nDwight: Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.\nCameron: [after grabbing an egg] Are we gonna eat these today?\nDwight: If you want.\nCameron: Is that a guillotine?\nDwight: This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking.\nCameron: [referencing goat] That's a cow?\nDwight: Did you just ask me if this was a cow?\nCameron: [after seeing Dwight smelling milk] What are you doing now?\nDwight: Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?\nCameron: I don't know.\nDwight: Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?\nCameron: I don't know any of that.\nDwight: OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything?\nCameron: I never met him.\nPam: Good morning, Erin.\nErin: [looking disheveled] Hey.\nPam: Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's OK.\nPhyllis: I don't care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise.\nPam: Phyllis!\nClark: Packer laced the cupcakes.\nPam: No!\nMeredith: Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?\nAngela: Some of us got both. [raises hand]\nPam: Oh my god! Is everyone OK?\nPhyllis: Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.\nNellie: Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.\nStanley: Me too. [holds up four fingers]\nClark: I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.\nPhyllis: What did you do, Andy?\nAndy: Last night? Oh, god, um, I don't know. [cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin] Na, nothing really. Kevin?\nKevin: Why would you ask me?\nAndy: I'm not, a... I'm just. I don't know. [cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing] Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. [cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face] Pretty normal night.\nKevin: [he and Andy embrace each other in tears] My night was just like that. [cuts to him and Andy trading clothes] Meaning normal.\nAndy: Yeah. I didn't see you last night at all. [cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin]\nKevin: Nope. I did not see you either.\nPam: Wow. He is officially the worst human being.\nKevin: [as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away] Ah. [stops Pam and takes cupcake]\nPam: But, Kevin that's...\nKevin: Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand.\nAngela: [shaking head in disbelief] No.\nTodd Packer: So, that's it. I just wanted to make amends. [slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim]\nDarryl: That's big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage.\nJim: Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too.\nTodd Packer: It's OK. I'm over it.\nJeb: Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it.\nFannie: Not it.\nDwight: It. [to Fannie] That kid doesn't put in some farm time, he's gonna stay like that.\nFannie: All right."}
{"text": "Kevin: Uh oh. She's doing it again.\nPam: Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um...\nClark: It's porn.\nPam: Yeah.\nDwight: [Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment.\nPhyllis: Why?\nDarryl: Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public.\nPam: Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.\nMeredith: Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish.\nGroup: Ugh. Ew.\nAndy: What?\nDwight: Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak.\nAngela: Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?\nToby: He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it.\nGroup: No!\nOscar: Toby, how do you propose that we-\nAndy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?\nPam: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.\nAndy: Well there you go. That's muy caliente.\nDwight: OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. [walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis]\nPhyllis: What the hell?!\nDwight: It's OK guys, she's no longer horny.\nAndy: Excuse me, dirty birdie [takes Phyllis' iPod]\nPhyllis: Wait, what?\nAndy: You can have this back at the end of the day. [cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him] Oh!!\nDwight: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles.\nClark: What's her name?\nDwight: Esther Ruger. [Angela makes a face in the background]\nClark: Sweet.\nDwight: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.\nClark: Oh yeah. Keep talkin'.\nDwight: Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.\nClark: Oh.\nDwight: [laughs] What do you think?\nClark: The same thing that you think.\nDwight: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.\nClark: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.\nAngela: Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes.\nAngela: Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! [laughs]\nPam: [on phone] Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week.\nJim: Oh man. [laughs]\nPam: I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'.\nJim: Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen.\nPam: [laughs] Um.\nJim: What was I gonna- What was I gonna say?\nPam: You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen?\nJim: Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman.\nPam: Oh, oh OK.\nJim: Yeah, yeah. Exactly.\nPam: [sighs] Um, Ok. Well?\nJim: Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later?\nPam: Yeah, sounds good. Ok.\nJim: Ok great.\nPam: Ok.\nJim: Bye.\nPam: Bye.\nKevin: [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song?\nOscar: There's a promo for the new documentary on the web.\nPhyllis: Play it again.\nPromo Voice: [Music begins, Michael Scott is shown] The boss. [Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past] The workers. [Ryan and Michael are shown] The lives. [Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown] The loves. [More flashback clips] The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA.\nKevin: Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.\nKevin: This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.\nKevin: [Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight] Did you see this? [lifts monitor in her direction]\nAngela: Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer.\nClark: [Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof] Oh my god, is that you and Jim?\nPam: Uh huh.\nClark: Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful.\nPam: It wasn't so bad.\nAndy: Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. 'Banjo at 0:19 is aight' Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?\nJim: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert.\nRyan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.\nDarryl: Hey, man. Darryl.\nRyan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh.\nJim: Let's go to the conference room.\nDwight: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots.\nAngela: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.\nDwight: Did I tell you about her teeth?\nErin: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.\nAngela: Yes.\nDwight: Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome.\nMr. Ruger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.\nDwight: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always.\nEsther: Thank you. [Dwight kisses her forehead]\nAngela: I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that...thing.\nPam: Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much.\nStanley: [eating soft pretzel] We've all changed.\nJim: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number.\nDarryl: And we all know, baseball does not last forever.\nRyan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: 'C'mon, I can do that.'\nJim: Right? [laughs]\nRyan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?\nDarryl: Subway sandwiches.\nJim: Yep.\nRyan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext.\nJim: Wow.\nRyan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called 'The Big Piece'\nJim: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical.\nRyan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-\nJim: OK\nRyan Howard: #NAME?\nDarryl: The space dust does it.\nJim: Space dust.\nDarryl: Yeah.\nRyan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together.\nJim: Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. [Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts] Alright.\nDarryl: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it.\nJim: Ok, great.\nKevin: Andy, are there documentary groupies?\nAndy: Of course there are!\nKevin: Of course.\nToby: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel [groups groans] was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen-\nNellie: Oh, I don't care.\nOscar: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.\nPam: Oh my god!\nPromo Announcer: [Speaks Danish]\nKevin: What was that word they said when they showed me 'Skrald mand'? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? [Oscar looks it up]\nOscar: Dumpster Man.\nKevin: Cool. Superhero.\nAngela: What about me? 'Klokken tre pige'\nOscar: 'Three PM Girl'\nAngela: What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then!\nOscar: It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves.\nPhyllis: Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it?\nAngela: Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified]\nAngela: There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am.\nOscar: Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage.\nMeredith: I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [lifts shirt to flash camera] Boob sauce!\nGroup: No!\nOscar: Meredith!\nAngela: Come on!\nNellie: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping?\nOscar: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV!\nErin: Hey.\nAngela: Oscar.\nOscar: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out.\nOscar: I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you?\nAndy: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: 'You guys are killing it!' I mean, we're internet sensations guys!\nAngela: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk.\nStanley: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. [groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something]\nOscar: Ok everyone, turn off your mikes.\nAngela: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape?\nErin: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that?\nNellie: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more [Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces] I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone.\nPete: Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got.\nPam: Brian?\nPete: Yeah.\nPam: Yeah, I guess I could.\nStanley: Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me.\nPhyllis: I thought Terry knew about Cynthia?\nStanley: She does. But neither of them know about Lydia.\nGroup: Oh!\nMeredith: Wow.\nClark: Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do?\nRuger Sister 1: That manipulates the secondary shaft.\nClark: Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! [laughs]\nSalesmen: The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets.\nMr. Ruger: Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns.\nDwight: Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal.\nMr. Ruger: Esther, get in the truck.\nDwight: Ok ok ok, wait! You win. [shakes hands]\nSalesman: Let's get the paperwork started.\nRuger Sister 2: We should buy an auger together.\nClark: Oh, yeah. Yeah.\nRuger Sister 1: You would be a great one to buy an auger with.\nStanley: [on phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring.\nAndy: Oh! Seven new comments. 'The guy at 0:19 is hawt!' [typing] 'Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!'[reading] 'He's not hawt, he's gay.' [typing] 'Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.' [reading] 'He is hawt!' See, thank you, that's more like it. 'He is butt.' God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!\nDwight: Security deposit. That's been-\nMr. Ruger: Standard.\nDwight: Right, standard.\nClark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second?\nDwight: No.\nClark: One second.\nDwight: No.\nClark: One second.\nDwight: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.\nClark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen]\nDwight: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off.\nClark: Dude, we're being conned.\nDwight: Go on.\nClark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.\nDwight: No.\nClark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.\nDwight: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?\nClark: I don't even know what an auger is!\nDwight: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is.\nMr. Ruger: Hey, you ready to sign?\nDwight: I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. [grabs Clark]\nBrian: Oh, hey!\nPam: Hey!\nBrian: Hi. [laughs]\nPam: Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time?\nBrian: No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this-\nPam: Oh my gosh, please, don't.\nBrian: Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. [laughs] Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there.\nPam: Sure, yeah. Yeah.\nBrian: Let me grab a couple drinks.\nPam: OK. [Goes out onto terrace] Oh wow, you have a nice view.\nBrian: Alright, that's for you. [hands her beer]\nPam: Oh, thank you.\nBrian: Cheers.\nPam: Cheers.\nAngela: [Plays boom box to drown out sound] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator?\nOscar: They caught us kissing on Halloween.\nAngela: Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [Slaps Oscar]\nOscar: Oh!\nAngela: God!\nOscar: Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy!\nAngela: Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career.\nOscar: Well, I don't like giving him bad news.\nAngela: Call him!\nOscar: You call him!\nAngela: Call him! [hits Oscar]\nOscar: Stop hitting me!\nAngela: Call him! Call him!\nOscar: No!\nBrian: So...\nPam: So..\nBrian: What brings you by?\nPam: Well, the promo for the documentary aired today.\nBrian: Oh yeah, that's right.\nPam: Yeah. It's kinda crazy.\nBrian: Yeah, it is.\nPam: See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof?\nBrian: Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment.\nPam: Yeah, wasn't that neat?\nBrian: Yeah, it was cool.\nPam: Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed?\nBrian: Um...\nPam: I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue-\nBrian: No no, it's-\nPam: I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and...I don't know, am I crazy?\nBrian: No, you're not crazy.\nPam: Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera-\nBrian: Yeah.\nPam: You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much.\nBrian: They want to know how much what?\nPam: How much stuff you got.\nBrian: Pretty much everything.\nPam: Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs?\nBrian: They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you.\nPam: So we basically had no privacy for ten years.\nBrian: That's not really true, I mean-\nPam: Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go.\nBrian: Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better.\nPam: No I think you explained it.\nBrian: Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam.\nJim: 'Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.'\nRyan Howard: That'll pay for the exploding helicopter.\nJim: Smart.\nRyan Howard: 'Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs.'\nJim: 'Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.'\nRyan Howard: Come on man, sell it!\nDarryl: Yeah, Jim.\nJim: [louder] 'Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!'\nRyan Howard: Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: 'Oh yeah!'\nJim: 'Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.'\nRyan Howard: 'They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.'\nJim: Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends.\nDarryl: It's so strong.\nRyan Howard: Keep reading then.\nJim: 'Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.'\nRyan Howard: Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader.\nJim: I don't know how we'd go about doing that.\nDarryl: We can look into it.\nJim: We'll look into it.\nRyan Howard: We need Darth.\nJim: We gotta get him.\nDarryl: We'll go after Darth then.\nJim: We're gonna go get him.\nDarryl: That's what we gotta do.\nJim: We're gonna get him.\nDwight: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me.\nClark: A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours.\nDwight: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy.\nClark: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way.\nDwight: By hand.\nEsther: Dwight, we need to talk.\nDwight: I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther.\nEsther: Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends.\nDwight: No.\nEsther: So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back.\nDwight: That snake!\nEsther: You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine.\nDwight: That shady grove out by Willard's pond.\nEsther: Mmhm.\nDwight: So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed?\nEsther: Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you?\nDwight: [laughs] No!\nClark: Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for?\nDwight: Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther]\nEsther: Stupid.\nSenator: [On speakerphone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep]\nAngela & Oscar: Hi honey!\nOscar: Oh you?\nAngela: No you go. Hi honey!\nOscar: Hey, Hey Robert!\nAngela: It's Angela and Oscar.\nOscar: Hey.\nAngela: Just a few quick things.\nOscar: Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos.\nAngela: Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential.\nOscar: Very much so.\nAngela: Yeah.\nOscar: Absolutely.\nAngela: Yeah!\nOscar: Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay.\nAngela: Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it.\nOscar: I think that's it!\nAngela: I think we're good.\nOscar: Done!\nAngela: Bye!\nOscar: Ok!\nAngela: Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God.\nAndy: [on video] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo, screen types out 'you suck my nutz' from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie]\nNellie: Good night Andy.\nAndy: Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying]\nPromo Announcer: [Speaks Danish]\nPam: I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. [at computer opens translator. Types in 'Elskere' which comes back as 'lovers' Pam smiles]"}
{"text": "Stanley: [humming] What the hell? No. This is NOT happening.\nErin: Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon! [claps and opens the door to the stairwell] Come on Stanley! [claps]\nErin: Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It's a' 'Mageddon!'\nErin: Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it!\nStanley: [growls] I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb Stair Mountain!\nErin: Come on! [claps]\nOscar: Our office has an unusually large number of' unusually large people.\nStanley: This is an abomination.\nErin: Come on. You got this. Here.\nOscar: So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.\nAndy: Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.\nOscar: What?\nAndy: I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There's a review of the documentary!\nPhyllis: [gasps] What does it say?\nAndy: I don't know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, 'Red Alert.'\nDwight: Well, the alert was already set to 'Red' because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to 'Double Red'?\nAndy: I think we should.\nStanley: [drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans]\nOscar: 'The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!'\nEveryone: Whoo! [applause]\nNellie: 'In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There's Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get.'\nDwight: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news'thing.\nNellie: 'Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy.'\nPhyllis: Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-.\nAndy: It's okay. [chuckles] The hell does he know?\nNellie: 'A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent.'\nAndy: I want you to print that out for me.\nNellie: I will.\nAndy: Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb.\nErin: 'Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values.'\nNellie: Oh! Which public figure?\nErin: I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.\nPhyllis: No, I think they mean more like a politician.\nStanley: [walks into the office grunting and wheezing] You own the building. Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?\nDwight: Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby. It's time to go out on a sale! Here we go.\nStanley: Son, you've lost your mind. I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.\nDwight: The buyer is your sister's friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that's an order.\nStanley: You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams.\nPete: Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up.\nPam: Well, we won't be late. I love you, mom. Thanks.\nNellie: Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? [chuckles] Oh, um, Embassy Suites. 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor.\nPam: [laughs] I wish.\nNellie: [chuckles] What, then?\nPam: Oh, nothing that exciting.\nNellie: Marriage counseling?\nPam: Hmm.\nNellie: Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?\nPam: You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help.\nNellie: Mmm.\nPam: I mean, we've having issues. It can't hurt to talk about them, right?\nJim: Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question.\nToby: Oh, sure.\nJim: It's a little, uh, personal.\nToby: Let's do it. Let's get personal.\nJim: I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.\nToby: Whoa.\nJim: Sorry. I'no, no, no, what I meant'what I meant actually was'\nToby: Oh, yeah, no, it's okay. I can handle it. Um, so'\nJim: You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it.\nToby: [chuckles, snorts]\nJim: Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple's counseling.\nToby: Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren't in couple's counseling, are you? Oh, God.\nJim: No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we're just starting couple's counseling. Uh, which doesn't sound any better.\nToby: Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s'hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here.\nClark: My mistake.\nToby: Yes, it is your mistake. He's lingering. So annoying. I'm gonna kill him. How can I help? I'm here.\nJim: That's all right.\nAndy: Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I'll hold. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. [hangs up phone]\nAngela: Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. [Stan��closes limo door]��Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.\nRobert: Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.\nAngela: All right, if I have to be the good wife, I'll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I'm a better wife than that. [sighs]\nDwight: Andy'[knocks] I need to talk to you.\nAndy: Yeah, come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. It's insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up!\nDwight: Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.\nAndy: [grunts intensely] I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That's final.\nDwight: So what I'm hearing you say is, 'Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible'?\nAndy: Yes! I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just I'm about to land a top talent agent.\nDwight: Mm-hmm. Good luck.\nAndy: [on the phone] Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.\nDwight: For five years I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go. It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way. Now it's all about my instincts.\nClark: Hey, Dwight.\nDwight: Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale.\nStanley: Pass.\nClark: Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?\nDwight: Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.\nStanley: Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha'\nDwight: [fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley]\nClark: Holy [bleep].\nStanley: No, you didn't. Sick of you and your'ooh'\nDwight: [fires tranquilizer gun twice]\nStanley: [falls to the floor with a loud thud]\nDwight: It's all right. Andy approved it.\nMeredith: Man, he's really in twinkle town now.\nClark: Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?\nDwight: Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.\nClark: You gave him three shots.\nDwight: Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. [claps] Grab his feet. [grunts] Let's go!\nClark: All right.\nDwight: Move it! One, two, three. [grunts]\nDwight: He's like a manatee. Ready? Let's go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! [Stanley's head hits the door frame] Oh, God.�� No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.\nClark: We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something.\nDwight: Yes.\nDwight: [grunts] Okay, we're good. We're good. Let's go. Push!\nClark: I am!\nClark: Any good weekend plans?\nDwight: I might see a movie.\nClark: Nice.\nDwight: What about you?\nClark: Uh, I don't know yet.\nDwight: [grunts] Let's take him'\nClark: I was thinking about'\nDwight: Let's go right to the top of the stairs, okay?\nClark: And then what?\nDwight: Okay, listen. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I've never actually done this before.\nClark: Well, if I may, you're a natural.\nDwight: Thank you. I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uh'\nClark: That's a little weird.\nDwight: I know. Evel Knievel.\nDwight: [wraps tape around Stanley's body]\nClark: [connect helmet straps around Stanley's head] That's about as good as that's gonna be.\nDwight: Okay, now here's the plan. I'm gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him.\nClark: Catch?\nDwight: Yeah.\nClark: I can't catch him. He's like, 250 pounds.\nDwight: You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? He's gonna be moving slowly. It's only'\nClark: Blunt?\nDwight: It's 15 feet down, it's at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, it's like your catching a medicine'\nClark: Dude, this size of my haunches' [Stanley's body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall]\nDwight: Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall.\nClark: We should probably call a doctor or something, dude.\nDwight: [slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley] You okay?\nJim: So how does it work? It's like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, or'\nToby: You're really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator.\nJim: Mm-hmm.\nToby: He might start by asking each of you, 'Why do you think you're here?'\nPam: He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he��shouldn't��be rewarded for that.\nJim: If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, she'd be married to Roy. [chuckles]\nPam: I feel like he's always making these decisions for the family, and then I'm left playing catch-up.\nJim: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I'this will be so huge for our family.\nToby: Well, what's a little while?\nJim: What do you mean?\nToby: I mean, what's the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn't know when it's gonna end.\nJim: That's kind of an impossible question.\nErin: Oh, guys, it's starting! Hurry!\nKevin: Ooh, there's Angela! I work with her!\nAndy: Huh, yeah. [chuckles] I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it.\nPhyllis: Her hair looks beautiful.\nAndy: Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star! [kicks trash can]\nErin: Andy!\nRobert: [on the computer screen] I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest' I am gay.\nCrowd: [surprised chatter]\nReporter #1: Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?\nReporter #2: Question for the Senator's beard.\nRobert: [on the computer screen] I'll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual.\nPete: Poor Angela.\nPhyllis: Yeah. Poor Angela.\nRobert: I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn't until my marriage to Angela that I realized how'charmless I find the female body.\nMeredith: Oof. Always hurts to hear that one.\nRobert: There's someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez.\nAndy: Come on!\nRobert: Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time'\nErin: Oscar is with the Senator too?\nKevin: Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn't know, you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. But I knew! [claps]\nOscar: He knew!\nKevin: Yes, we did it!\nOscar: You did it, Kevin.\nKevin: Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it.\nRobert: -with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazing' Chief of Staff Wesley Silver.\nOscar: What?!\nCreed: Wesley Silver's gay?\nCrowd: [surprised chatter]\nAngela: [gasps]\nKevin: Ohh.\nCreed: They make a nice couple.\nAngela: [gags]\nDwight: Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. We're running late. Let's get him inside.\nClark: We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this.\nDwight: Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.\nClark: That's actually really smart.\nDwight: Thank you.\nClark: God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.\nDwight: Let's get him inside.\nAndy: Carla Fern is not just an actor's agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate.\nAndy: Actor?\nMan: Oh, no. [chuckles] Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse.\nAndy: Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that?\nMan: Eh, you go through a lot of mice.\nMan: If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second.\nAndy: Does anything go on top of the mouse?\nMan: Yeah. Little hat.\nAndy: Aw, that's cute.\nMan: Yeah.\nAndy: What's the mouse's name?\nMan: Eh, you know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice. They're kinda like cannon fodder, you know? You're not one of those PETA guys , are you? [cat jumps off dog] Oh, great.\nClark: Hey, wait, wait, how'how are we doing this?\nDwight: Well, I'll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters.\nClark: Just say 'arms' and 'legs,' okay? That just'that's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with.\nDwight: Fine, let's go. [grunts]\nClark: [sighs]\nDwight: Hoist his shank on three.\nClark: Wha'What's a shank?\nDwight: It's by the tenderloin.\nDwight: Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he's slouching. Okay, can you'sl-slouch him into the seat. [sighs] Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. [grunts]\nClark: All right.\nDwight: Got it?\nClark: Yeah'yup yup.\nDwight: [grunts and closes car door] Get in the back.\nClark: What?\nDwight: Get in the back.\nClark: Aw, come on.\nDwight: Get in.\nClark: Damn it.\nDwight: Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we're about to do?\nStanley: Helllloooo!\nClark: Okay. We, hey'hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay?\nStanley: Pigeons.\nDwight: Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we've got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.\nClark: Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister?\nDwight: New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let's go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let's go.\nPam: I'm sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don't want him to do it anymore, and I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly.\nJim: Well, if Pam says she won't go, then'[chuckles] we're gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph.\nNellie: That was exhausting.\nToby: Blah blah blah blah. Jim.\nNellie: Well, they deserve each other, then.\nToby: They do. That they do.\nNellie: That is for sure.\nToby: [whispers] That they do.\nDwight: And for'oh, whoopsie daisy. [chuckles]\nMrs. Davis: Stanley, what is going on here?\nDwight: He's fine. He gets carsick really easily.\nClark: Driving.\nDwight: It's a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we're talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley?\nStanley: Ooh-hoo, look at that baby'\nDwight: Stanley.\nStanley: Ohhh'\nMrs. Davis: That's Benji in the middle.\nStanley: That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. That's a healthy-looking baby.\nMrs. Davis: Very special little boy.\nDwight: Look at him. I've never seen such a beautiful child.\nMrs. Davis: Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he'll go, 'eee.'\nDwight: Like this? Watch.\nStanley: Eee.\nEveryone: [laughs]\nMrs. Davis: Like that.\nStanley: A beautiful family.\nDwight: [laughs] Right? Come on!\nDwight: Yeah, maybe I'll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.\nCarla: So, what can you do?\nAndy: [Australian accent] Well, what can't I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn't noticed, I've got a pretty good British accent.\nCarla: Can you drive a car?\nAndy: At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.\nCarla: Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45?\nAndy: My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on.\nCarla: Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?\nAndy: : Yes. And yes. [chuckles]\nCarla: Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid's party, let 'em throw pies at ya?\nAndy: Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. [sniffs] I'm all for it.\nCarla: Well, Mr. Bernard, I'm gonna be honest with you.\nAndy: Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much.\nCarla: Uh, no. We're'we're gonna take you on as a client.\nAndy: You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me.\nCarla: We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out.\nAndy: Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots.\nTodd: Uh, it doesn't include headshots.\nAndy: It doesn't include headshots.\nTodd: No.\nAndy: Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though.\nStanley: So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it?\nDwight: You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. I'll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. [chuckles] Silly me. Gotta take the stairs.\nStanley: Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.\nDwight: Well'no, no'n'\nStanley: [stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground]\nDwight: [stomps on the ground] We need a winch and a hoist."}
{"text": "Erin: Oh. Hey, champions.\nToby: Good morning.\nClark: Quater finals in an hour. Hope you got some sleep cause I am going to be haunting your nightmares tonight.\nErin: I did. I got some really good sleep.\nClark: Did you? [pushes pencil cup at Erin]\nErin: [grabs pencils out of cup quickly as cup falls] Bzzz.\nDwight: Yesterday was the first round of a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It's not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. [whispers] Practically made of plastic.\nNellie: We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill [cut to Kevin flying paper airplane], others relied on showmanship [cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head] others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. [cut to Creed throwing a melon] And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster.\nToby: Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through, beep beep. [Pam's plane hit Toby in the eye]\nToby: Ow! Ow!\nPam: I didn't see you! You should have yelled 'Crossing!'\nToby: [crying] I'm sorry!\nPam: Ok, so is that my spot?\nNellie: We are now down to an elite eight. Well, seven and Toby.\nAndy: [Reading from script] Be careful of that beaker, it contains dangerous acid!\nDarryl: It does not say dangerous. And there's no exclamation point.\nAndy: Well I'm just trying to bring some life to it.\nAndy: Last week I got an agent and uh, this week I got a movie. HRPDC chemical handling protocols. It's gonna be seen by tons of workers in the industrial chemical community. One of whom could have a cousin whose brother's Brad Pitt. And boom, next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs Two.\nToby: Andy?\nAndy: Go away, we're running lines.\nToby: You wanted to see the gooey eye.\nAndy: Oh yeah. Alright, get over here. I am so freaked out by things going into eyes. I just- wow. [moves to lift Toby's eye patch] Uggggh! I can't even, I'm so freaked out by that, just go. Go go go go go.\nToby: Alright, it's getting gooier so we'll just do it later.\nAndy: Yeah, Ok. [Closes door] Alright. Where were we?\nDarryl: Something full of acid.\nAndy: And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.\nDarryl: [claps] That was great man. Alright, I'm out of here.\nAndy: W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Don't go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Let's do it six more times.\nJim: Hey. I just wanted to say that you woke up early with the kids and let me sleep and I really appreciate that.\nPam: Thank you. I appreciate that you appreciate that.\nPam: So, we had couple's therapy.\nJim: No shame in that. Get it all out in the open.\nPam: And we have homework.\nJim: Yes, we are supposed to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate each other's sacrifices. Because I need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while I'm in Philly.\nPam: And we're also supposed to speak our truths.\nJim: Mmhm.\nPam: Because if I had spoken my truth sooner about not wanting to move to Philly, then maybe we wouldn't have had this opportunity for couple's therapy.\nJim: Oh, we're supposed to call everything we don't want to do 'opportunities.'\nAndy: Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow. Carla Fern got me a gig.\nPam: Hey!\nAndy: Yeah.\nStanley: Who's Carla Fern?\nAndy: Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sargent. And one of my best friends. Oh, and Oscar, I already figured it out. If I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just going to think about you getting dumped by the Senator.\nOscar: Why wouldn't you use your own life? Erin just dumped you.\nAndy: Little raw. Not cool Oscar.\nOscar: But you just!\nAndy: Not cool.\nNellie: Hey. Day two. Drama in the warehouse skies. This is Robert from Weyer-Hammer Paper, who will be joining us to judge the final rounds.\nRobert: Who's pumped for the quarter finals, huh?\nDwight: I'm pumped!\nErin: Clark's a dead man.\nRobert: Alright. Sounds like somebody wants to walk away with this. [holds up large check for $2,000]\nAngela: Oh my god!\nGroup: Whoa.\nAngela: Nellie you didn't tell us we could win money.\nNellie: Oh yes I did, I told you all. It was..um, cause that's an awful lot of money for me to forget.\nStanley: Not one of us remembers you saying anything about two thousand dollars.\nNellie: I forgot. I completely forgot. But at least now that large piece of cardboard that man was carrying around makes sense.\nErin: Nellie, this is a competition. Please take it seriously.\nNellie: Oh please. [Dwight watches Angela folding paper airplane]\nAngela: Me? Oh, I'm fine. I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new studio apartment is just fine [camera shows small cluttered space with excessive cats and Phillip crying] for me.. and Phillip... and Tinky... and Crinklepuss, and Bandit 2, and Pawlick Baggins, and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens.\nPhillip: [cries]\nAngela: Come here, come here. Let's go.\nAngela: I had a chance with Dwight, but I didn't take it. And if I went back now, when I'm broke and he just inherited a farm, I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps you read about that try to bag a farmer.\nDwight: I offered myself to Angela and she turned me down. If she changes her mind, the next move is hers. I'm with Esther now. She's younger than Angela, sturdier, more comfortable with the scent of a manured field. Let's be honest. When it came to manured fields, Angela was at best indifferent.\nClark: Oh, wide wings, interesting.\nErin: Hey. Why don't you back off?[looks at Pete]...I mean best of luck to you in the competition.\nErin: Growing up in an orphanage, you have to fight other kids. For everything. Snacks, pillows, parents. I'm kinda worried about Pete seeing that side of me. I once ripped greedy Susan's pigtail right off her head. Just for a handful of Crispix.\nCarla Fern: Are you in that paper documentary too?\nDarryl: Yep.\nCarla Fern: Do you need an agent?\nAndy: No. He's- I mean, you've never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage.\nDarryl: I was in The Whiz in high school.\nAndy: That's the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says 'action.'\nCarla Fern: Hey, I made them get you a chair. All my clients sit.\nWoman: Can I take your picture?\nAndy: I guess it's starting. Um, yeah. Of course. Yeah sure. Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you and then I can take it-\nWoman: We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off.\nAndy: Got it. [lowers head to show hair, but keeps looking up just as she tries to take the picture]\nWoman: No, if you could just keep it down until..\nAndy: Sorry.\nNellie: OK, next up we have two creatures great and small. Kevin versus Angela.\nKevin: Yes!\nDwight: Hey, that is a really nice plane. You make that yourself?\nKevin: Uh huh.\nDwight: Well, what am I thinking? Of course you made that yourself. Cause it's in the rules that you have to fold your own plane.\nKevin: Of course.\nNellie: Kevin, did you make that yourself?\nKevin: Yes. In a way. From one that I bought on Craigslist.\nNellie: Oh man.\nDwight: I call for a refold!\nKevin: No.\nAngela: Really? [to Dwight] Thank you.\nKevin: This is flatter.\nDwight: It's a piece of paper. You fold it into an airplane.\nNellie: Ok, that's enough. This is the end of the ring now. You have to pick one.\nKevin: I can't. I love them all too much. And, none of them fly. So that makes it harder.\nNellie: You have to choose one now.\nKevin: Fine. [throws plane, doesn't fly]\nNellie: Angela advances.\nErin: Nice.\nDwight: [clapping] Whoo!\nAngela: Was Dwight rooting for me? Hmm. I hadn't noticed.\nKevin: I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep making planes until one of them flies. Like Wilbur and Orville Redenbacher.\nJim: An Earl Grey tea for the lady.\nPam: Oh, thank you. I acknowledge and appreciate that you went out of your way to get me tea.\nJim: Thank you. I like being appreciated. But, to speak my truth, it wasn't out of the way because I felt like a tea anyway. So, one trip.\nPam: Well, to speak my truth, I switched to coffee in March. There's a new espresso machine. But I still acknowledge and appreciate the gesture.\nDirector: We are rolling and...action!\nAndy: [Happily] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death.\nProducer: Ok, um, stop. Um, why are you smiling so much?\nAndy: Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.\nDirector: Ok, well maybe no smiling on this one.\nAndy: So how do you want, how should I do it?\nDirector: I don't know, just like you're reporting the news or something. Ok?\nAndy: [ridiculous news voice] This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols.\nDirector: Ok.\nAndy: It's Tom Brokaw, it's a newscaster.\nDirector: Who was that?\nAndy: Tom Brokaw!\nDwight: Come on Clark!\nAngela: Come on Clark. [Clark throws plane, Erin throws plane it goes much farther]\nDwight: Whoa!\nErin: Yeah! Oh! Eat it piggy! Eat it! Oink oink oink oink!\nClark: We've still gotta work together, so we should keep it civil.\nErin: [Snorts and grunts] I can't hear what you said. [snorting, grunting] You got your slop? [Squeals]\nClark: You know what, this is completely unnecessary. You already won...\nPete: Erin! Erin! Just stop.\nErin: What?\nPete: Relax.\nNellie: Next up we have Dwight and Phyllis.\nBob Vance, Vance Refrigeration: You can do it baby!\nAngela: No you can't baby! [to Dwight, whispers] Good luck.\nDwight: Watch and learn.\nErin: Wow.\nGroup: Oh!\nNellie: Dwight defeats Phyllis, Dwight you are through to the semi-finals.\nDwight: Yes!\nAngela: Whoo!\nDwight: Oh, Esther.\nEsther: Hey.\nDwight: What are you- [Esther kisses him] You're here early.\nEsther: Yeah, I plucked the chickens extra fast cause I knew I was seeing you tonight. There might just be a little feather in your nuggets or a little bit of meat inside of your pillow.\nDwight: I like a little feather in my nuggets. [both laugh]\nNellie: Alright ladies and gentlemen, we are down to the final four. Dwight, Erin, Angela and god only knows how, but Toby. One of you will walk away with two thousand dollars.\nErin: Yeah!\nDirector: Ok here you have just knocked over the beaker, the chemicals splashed in your eye.\nAndy: Which is insanely painful.\nDirector: Yeah.\nAndy: And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to, to really express that pain.\nDirector: That's great. So what you're gonna do then is come over here to the eye washing station and then just kinda flush out your eyes. You know, get the chemicals out. Alright?\nAndy: So I just lean over this thing and then you'll add the water special effect later?\nDirector: What water special effect?\nProducer: Yeah, yeah just hold your lids open with one hand and let the stream bathe your eyeballs.\nAndy: I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts. I'll get nude if you want me to, I'll go full Lena Dunham but I-\nDirector: Dude, we don't need you to go nude, OK? So just do the eyewash, Ok? That's all we're asking.\nAndy: Darryl, what do I do?\nDarryl: Hold up, I'm looking at my spit with a microscope.\nAndy: They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene.\nDarryl: So?\nAndy: I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eye dropper.\nProduction Assistant: So Andy, so you know how to use this. You step on the pedal, water squirts in your eyes.\nAndy: Carla! Carla!\nNellie: It is time for a little T & A. I give you: Toby and Angela.\nAngela: [throws plane far] Oh my god! Oh my god. Ok it's your turn. [Toby crumples plane and steps aside.\nNellie: Well, Angela is the winner.\nAngela: Yes!\nEsther: [to Dwight] Is there a reason that we're excited for that little woman?\nDwight: Yes. I pity her. She was recently in a situation where she could have had it all, and instead she lost everything.\nEsther: Oh. Is she a gambler?\nDwight: In a way. But not in a stand up and cheer kind of way, like the song.\nEsther: Hmm. That is sad.\nCarla Fern: [grabs Andy by the cheeks] Andy! If you don't stick your eyes in that machine, I'm going to call every production in North Eastern Pennsylvania. You won't even make an appearance on a security camera! [Andy starts to cry]\nProducer: What's the hold up here?\nDirector: The actor's crying.\nProducer: Oh god.\nAndy: She yelled at me. I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't.\nDarryl: Andy Bernard can't squirt water in his eye and act like it doesn't freak him out. But you know who can? Older Male Lab Assistant Number One.\nAndy: Do you believe in me?\nDarryl: I believe I want to go home.\nDwight: [throws plane far] Yeah! Ok! Beat that! [Erin throws plane, loses, Dwight laughs] Whoo! Ok.\nErin: Dammit! Dammit, god. [To Pete] Sorry. Yeah I'm fine. I'm fine. I got mad. Cause I don't like losing. I'm just gonna- Sorry I'm mad! I'm mad, I'm really mad. I wanted to win. We were gonna win a lot of money, I was gonna buy you a sweater. It's stupid. Just the whole contest is stupid. That's how it feels.\nPete: Yeah. [Erin kicks box] Whoa!\nErin: Sorry I'm mad! I don't like losing! I thought I was going to win!\nPete: Ok [tries to help her] Hey hey hey, whoa.\nErin: Sorry. Sorry. I'm going to go upstairs and just...\nPam: Oh, I made us a date to take my mom out to dinner to thank her for all that extra babysitting.\nJim: Well, you know how much I appreciate the opportunity to hang out with your mom more. So let me just put this in my calendar.\nPam: I acknowledge with gratitude that you are being kind and responsible enough to include it in your calendar.\nJim: Thank you. Your mom is a treasure.\nPam: Well, I appreciate that some opportunities can be unpleasant- [Jim's phone rings, he answers]\nJim: Hey that's work, hold on. Hey Wade, did Cole Hamels call back or what? Great. Good.\nPam: Uh, to speak my truth, I'd appreciate if you hung that up cause we were in the middle of a conversation. [Jim hangs up phone] I appreciate the sacrifice.\nJim: Ok to speak my truth, that was a little sarcastic. I think that's a little unfair.\nPam: Really? I've been putting the kids to bed by myself every night for a months. And you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth, Jim? That's really your truth?\nJim: I guess I will swallow my truth.\nClark: Are you guys high? Because if so, to speak my truth, I would appreciate the sacrifice of including me in some hits off your kind buds.\nPam: We're not high.\nPam: I wish we'd started this exercise six months ago. My heart just feels so... blocked up.\nKevin: The Mark 47 is ready for launch. [throws plane but it sticks to his hand] Less paste.\nDirector: Here we go. Rolling and... action!\nAndy: [doing eyewash] AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!!\nDirector: And cut. We can fix the sound in post.\nProducer: Yeah.\nAndy: I can do a better one.\nProducer: That's fine, we'll move on.\nAndy: I said I can do a better one. Darryl...\nDarryl: Action!\nAndy: [eyewashes again] AHH! AHH! AHH!\nCarla Fern: Kid can act!\nAndy: Yeah! Yeah.\nNellie: Each contestant will throw two aeroplanes.\nDwight: After you.\nAngela: Thank you. [plane loops up and falls at her feet] Oh god!\nNellie: Angela's first throw, terrible. Dwight.\nDwight: [fake throws and drops plane] Oh! Oh man! It slipped out of my hand, what a whiff. Ah, how'd that happen? God. [Angela smiles]\nEsther: We want you to win. Dwight told me about your situation. It's such a pity. Use the money wisely. [Angela looks disgusted]\nDwight: Alright.\nAngela: Don't you dare tank this. [Dwight throws plane far, Angela fake throws and drops her plane]\nNellie: And we have a winner. And it's Dwight. And it is everyone because this is over.\nCreed: Two grand huh? I know a guy who can turn that into eight hundred dollars. And it's me.\nAngela: [To Esther] Well, I guess you needed the money more than me huh? Use it wisely.\nAngela: I was disappointed in Dwight today. He showed a weakness that was unbecoming. Even if he did do it for me. I don't need pity and I don't need charity. I have my dignity and that's enough. And as long as I have that, I'll be ok.\nJim: I know this was really weird, and it was really hard. But I think we're making progress. So I'm really sorry that I have to go but let's keep at this. Ok?\nPam: Ok. [intense moment where Jim leaves and Pam seems conflicted. She notices his umbrella and runs out to follow him]\nPam: Jim! [hands him umbrella]\nJim: Thanks.\nPam: Alright, have a good trip.\nJim: Bye.\nPam: Bye. [walks away]\nJim: Hey! [Runs after her and looks into her eyes] I... [hugs her tightly, Pam doesn't hug back]\nPastor: [Flashback to Jim & Pam's wedding] Love suffers long and is kind. It is not proud. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. [Pam hugs Jim back finally] And now these three remain: Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. [Pam kisses Jim]\nPam: I love you.\nJim: I love you."}
{"text": "Jim: I'm taking some time off from work'well, my other work'because we needed it.\nPam: It's great.\nJim: It's great.\nPam: The phone has been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kind of going nuts.\nJim: But that doesn't matter. This does. It's the only thing that matters. We've had some really nice days together.\nPam: Nice morning, too.\nJim: Beesly! Oh, my god.\nAndy: Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agent's putting me up for a furniture commercial.\nJim: Ah, definitely blue.\nAndy: Totally, right? So, Big Tuna, what's up? Back in the small pond?\nJim: For now, yeah. I was spreading myself way too thin'\nAndy: Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on.\nJim: Uh, well, it took me a while, but I finally realized that I can't give 100% to two things at once you know.\nAndy: Tell me about it, you know? I've been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don't know if I'm wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup.\nJim: Huh. Well, you know, you can't have everything so you gotta ask yourself what makes you the happiest. You just go all in for what's most important. That's my new thing.\nOscar: [noticing Angela looking very unkempt] Is everything ok?\nAngela: No. Everything is not okay. The county took my cats.\nKevin: Wait, all of them?\nAngela: Two sacks' worth. Apparently my apartment complex has rules about how many pets are too many for a studio. And while I was out picking Phillip up from daycare, they came. They came into my house.\nOscar: That's'that's awful, Angela. I'm so sorry.\nAngela: It's the [bleep] that lives downstairs. She's this uptight, judgmental shrew. You know the type.\nKevin: I've never met anyone like that.\nAngela: And they're gone. And I have no one left. Without my cats, I am utterly and completely alone.\nOscar: Angela, you still have your son.\nAngela: I guess.\nDwight: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention? There are four new deadly weapons in this office. [kicking and punching] Basher, Thrasher, Crasher and'\nJim: Smasher!\nDwight: Smasher? No, where'd you get that? Fireball. This morning after hours of combat with some of the city's best teenagers I earned my black belt in Goju Ryu martial arts.\nDwight: I had to find a new dojo after sensei Ira and I parted ways. My new sensei, sensei Billy, thought I had more than enough training to take the test. Turns out, sensei Ira was a bit of a shyster. Sensei Billy says most students don't spend $150,000 over 20 years to get their black belt.\nDwight: I would like to invite you all to my black belt ceremony, right here in the office at lunch, lunch not provided.\nJim: Fireball!\nDwight: Ah! [throws punch] That's how it's done.\nJim: That's pretty good. I feel safe.\nDavid Wallace: Hey, Erin. Is Andy in?\nErin: Oh, is Andy in? Sorry, I thought you said 'is Indian' and was like, 'Is Indian what?' Is Indian food good? Is Indian jewelry pretty? Is Indian hair an expensive kind of wig? Yes, to all three, by the way.\nErin: Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble keeping track of Andy's calendar. His student film audition schedule is crazy hectic.\nErin: Yes, there's Andy! Andy is in. I'm a good receptionist, I know he's in.\nAndy: David Walrus, in his native habitat.\nDavid Wallace: Hey, Andy. Can we go in your office and talk?\nAndy: Yeah.\nDavid Wallace: This isn't going to be an easy conversation. I told Andy that he was on very thin ice when he snuck away from three months to the Caribbean. Then last week he used company money to buy a top-of-the-line photo printer. In his words, 'The kind that's good for head shots.' And yesterday, he asked me to pay for cheek implants. Claimed it's gonna boost office morale. Now, he's a good guy. But honestly, at some point, the ice gets too thin and you fall through. And that is when you get fired.\nDavid Wallace: Andy'\nAndy: I'm gonna stop you right there. David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream.\nDavid Wallace: Uh-huh, but'\nAndy: Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I'll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense.\nDavid Wallace: So you think you've been too focused on your job?\nAndy: At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany.\nDavid Wallace: So you'you want to quit Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting?\nAndy: Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don't'it just' I owe it to myself and my future fans.\nDavid Wallace: Uh, well, I guess I can't stand in the way of a man's dream. And it seems like you have the gift.\nAndy: Thank you, David.\nDavid Wallace: There's probably no way I can talk you into staying at this point, can I?\nAndy: Nope. I have made up my mind. I'm really sorry.\nDavid Wallace: Well, good luck.\nAndy: Thank you. Not gonna need it.\nDavid Wallace: Okay.\nDavid Wallace: Well that kind of worked out.\nCreed: I think just anybody could be a star. My postman, the night janitor here, but Andy? No, definitely not. Charisma black hole.\nJim: Oh, Clark. I'm actually here today. Surprise! So I was wondering if I could maybe have my desk back.\nClark: Right. Yeah. But, you know, I've actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So, I kind of feel like I've earned this. I mean, you know?\nJim: You totally have. You have earned this. But maybe I could be with my wife. Kind of the whole reason that I'm here.\nClark: Right. Well, I'm here to sell paper.\nPam: Wow.\nClark: All right, Jim, look, I just got made junior salesman. Right? And'and Wallace is here today. And I don't him to just think of me as a customer service rep that sits in the annex. I mean, you can get that, right? Right? And what do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here?\nPam: it's okay. You can sit in the annex.\nJim: What?\nPam: I'll come visit you.\nJim: Okay. The annex it is. I'll be sitting at your desk if that's okay with you.\nClark: That's fine with me. But be careful, it is very easy to get lost in Pete's beautiful, dead eyes.\nAndy: Everyone, a little breaking news for ya. Just had a little chat with David Wallace. And, um, I'm taking a leave of absence from Dunder Mifflin, forever.\nOscar: I can't say we didn't see it coming. But it's a sad day when anybody is fired. We're so sorry, Andy.\nDavid Wallace: Uh, uh, uh, uh, Andy was not fired.\nAndy: I wasn't fired. What are you talking about? I'm fired up, yes. Guys, I'm'I'm leaving to pursue my lifelong dream of being famous.\nPam: Oh, Andy.\nAndy: Yeah, so, I'll see you on the red carpet. See, that's how it works.\nPhyllis: Andy sings beautifully. And he's really good at dancing. He's a good speaker. But there's just something there you don't want to look at.\nJim: Hey, how am I doing as your desk mate, by the way? You probably miss Clark.\nPete: Yeah, a little bit.\nJim: Oh, wow. But, um'Oh, I get that.\nPete: Oh, no, no, no. No it's cool.\nJim: I get it.\nPete: It's cool, man. I'm sure you and I will have our own thing.\nJim: Yeah. Definitely. Go Phillies, right. You don't watch baseball. I keep forgetting that.\nDarryl: I just think you're going into this a little fast.\nAndy: I'm 38, Darryl, how much slower should I go?\nDarryl: Show business is cold. Let's say you get a job, which you probably won't. They're not gonna cut you any slack. You're meant for a job with lots and lots of slack.\nAndy: All right. I get it.\nAndy: The male is a funny species. We don't just tell each other how we feel, that's chick stuff. So instead of saying, 'Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don't want you to leave.' You say something like, 'Hey, Andy, you're making the worst mistake of your life. You're not talented.' Well' right back at you, Darryl.\nAndy: [hugs Darryl] I'm gonna miss you too. Mmm!\nStanley: Andy's from the generation that thinks they should all be famous. What happened to the generation that knew you shut up, did your work, and died quietly from a heart attack?\nKevin: Could Andy make it as an entertainer? I don't know. You know who's really funny? This bird, in the park, that can't fly right. I'd pay to see him. But I don't have to cause the park is free!\nSensei: I will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts.\nDwight: He will now perform the ceremonial changing of the belts!\nSensei: It's not a large room, I think they heard me.\nDwight: Take my belt, master. I now submit to you every part of myself. [thrusts hips at Ira]\nSensei: That's really ok. I'm mostly focused on the belt here.\nDwight: Just slip it off my'Slip it off my hips.\nSensei: Hold it'Take a step back. Take a step back. [they bow, then Dwight thrusts again] Okay, okay. I can't'I can't do this if you're gonna be thrusting like that, okay? I think we're gonna have to cut this off.\nDwight: He will now perform the ceremonial cutting-off-of-the-belt.\nAngela: Dwight has been practicing karate for years. When we were dating, I would help him with his strength training. He would strap me to his chest in a baby Bjorn made for fat children and do lunges across the farm. It felt like I was flying.\nDwight: There it is. [everyone applauds]\nSensei: Congratulations.\nDwight: We did it, we did it. I love you.\nSensei: Okay.\nDwight: Thanks. I will now perform my final kata forms. You're gonna watch me right?\nSensei: Yes, I will. [Dwight starts doing karate]\nDwight: Sensei, you're not watching.\nSensei: Yeah, I'm watching. Just do it.\nDwight: Watching?\nSensei: I'm watching.\nDwight: Watch this part, okay?\nDavid Wallace: Sensei, do you generally do house calls like this?\nSensei: Uh, you can just call me Billy. And no. No, but Dwight insisted. He wanted to receive his black belt in the place he loves most in the world.\nDavid Wallace: He said that? He's an odd guy, isn't he?\nSensei: Yes. Irritating, also yes. But I gotta hand it to him, he's one of the most tenacious and determined men I've ever met. [Dwight finishes his routines and everyone applauds]\nEsther: Oh! I'm am so proud of you, Schru-berry blue.\nJim: I really felt like I almost lost her, and'and nothing is worth that.\nDavid Wallace: Well, I gotta tell you, Jim, a lot of guys in my circle? They wouldn't even change their golf schedule to shore up their marriage let alone their professional goals.\nClark: Dude, there is no way that Jim is just back here to hang out with Pam.\nDwight: You did not just say that! You don't know Pam. She is really cool.\nClark: All I'm saying is, forget about my chair. He wants the manager's chair. And I thought you wanted that job.\nDwight: Yeah, I did. But I made too many mistakes. It's out of my reach now. Besides, I think Jim would be a fine manager. I'd be happy to see Jim as manager.\nDavid Wallace: So, the reason that I called you in here is because Andy is moving on.\nJim: Again.\nDavid Wallace: Again! And I'm looking for a new manager. And with his performance this year, I have been considering Dwight. Am I crazy?\nJim: Not at all. It should be Dwight.\nDavid Wallace: You sure?\nJim: You're gonna want to invest in a lot more liability insurance, but, uh'\nDavid Wallace: Yeah.\nJim: Hey, if there is someone out there who loves paper more than Dwight, I definitely don't want to meet that person.\nNellie: Andy, we just wondered if we could have a word.\nAndy: It's now or never.\nNellie: Well, we just had a quick question about this decision of yours. You know, to leave a stable job and pursue a career in the entertainment business. In your late 30s. With no savings to fall back on. And no real connections in that business, which can be competitive.\nAndy: Yeah, sure. What's your question?\nKevin: Our question is'it seems dumb.\nAndy: Well, it's better than sticking around here and half-assing it, right?\nNellie: Of course. But what if you were to stay here, you know, and 'full-ass' it? Um, really give it a go. Be the greatest manager in the history of this branch and in that way achieve the fame and immortality that you seek. Hmm?\nAndy: Nah. I like my plan better.\nKevin: Well, Andy, your plan sucks, okay? Nobody is going to hire you ever. You're too character-y to be a lead and you're not fat enough to be a great character actor.\nAndy: What?\nOscar: No, I don't think that he can make it as an actor. But, he also can't make it as an employee in an office, so why not go nuts with it?\nJim: Hey, are you still in charge of office supplies?\nPam: Yes. Yeah.\nJim: I seem to have sticky not emergency where I grab it on the wrong end, and this happens.\nPam: Oh, boy. Um'\nJim: If you could help me out, that would be'\nPam: I could give you some beginner stickies?\nJim: Anything would help.\nPam: Here you go.\nJim: Oh, also, while you're at it, if you did have a salt packet, three tacks and some aspirin, that would be great. Oh, wow. You have that.\nPam: Mm-hmm.\nJim: Wow, that's'\nPam: It's all yours.\nJim: You come so prepared. Aspirin.\nDwight: You wanna get rid of a headache, you sit on something sharp. Any sensei will tell you that.\nJim: Hey, congratulations on that black belt, man. It's really great.\nDwight: Thank you. So I saw you talking to Wallace earlier. Is he going to offer you the manager's job?\nJim: No. He was maybe thinking of you for it.\nDwight: Yeah, right. I'm afraid that ship has sailed.\nJim: I wouldn't be too sure about that. Just saying.\nDwight: Hello.\nAndy: Well, hello.\nDwight: Big day for you.\nAndy: Big day for you.\nDwight: Thank you.\nAndy: Love the belt.\nDwight: Oh, yes.\nAndy: You know, I don't know anything about karate but I have broken a few boards in my day. Diving boards, at my family pool in Redding. I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-dog's outta here, so letting it all hang out!\nDwight: This is exciting! You're finally gonna get to go out and flap your wings.\nAndy: Thank you, I appreciate that. 'Cause a lot of people are saying I might not make it.\nDwight: Oh, I doubt you'll make it. Very few do who've tried to be a star. But, listen, you've saved up enough money to take a couple of years off to pursue your dream and have some fun, right?\nAndy: No, I just applied for more overdraft protection.\nDwight: Andy, I have nothing to gain from getting you to stay, and everything to gain from you leaving. But please, I have known you for years, I have seen you perform. Dear god, don't quit your day job.\nAndy: [cockney accent] Nothing is impossible to him who will try. [normal] Alexander the Great, if he were cockney.\nDwight: You're bad.\nAndy: I'm gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person.\nAndy: Erin. Honest Erin, cannot tell a lie. We lay together. That's something you can't take back.\nErin: So true. Is there a question, or are'what?\nAndy: Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I am making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?\nErin: Bluntly? Yes. Huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless. Or maybe even starve.\nAndy: Thank you. [steps into conference room]\nDavid Wallace: You can stay on as a salesman, Andy.\nAndy: Thank you. [leaves]\nDavid Wallace: Dwight, could you come in here for a second, please?\nDwight: Say it again.\nDavid Wallace: Will you be the new manager?\nDwight: Where?\nDavid Wallace: Where?\nDwight: What branch?\nDavid Wallace: Here. Scranton. [Dwight falls to his knees] Come on. Come on, Dwight. Get up. Let's go. It's good news.\nDwight: I'm sorry. I've just waited for this moment my entire life. I mean, I was interim manager once, but then I shot that gun.\nDavid Wallace: What?\nDwight: But this isn't interim manager. No. It's Dwight K. Schrute' [pulls a business card out of his wallet] Manager.\nDavid Wallace: Why do you already have this?\nDwight: In case Michael or Andy ever got killed in a traffic accident and there was a trade show on the same day. You will not regret this decision, David.\nDavid Wallace: I know.\nDwight: I will never, ever let you down.\nDavid Wallace: I know, Dwight. I know. [reaches out to shake Dwight's hand, Dwight hugs him] Okay. Okay. All righty. You're gonna do great.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: Wow, hey.\nPam: Hi.\nJim: What's up?\nPam: Um, I have a question.\nJim: Okay.\nPam: Oh, I had a question.\nJim: Really?\nPam: I did!\nJim: Yeah, totally you did.\nPam: Super important.\nJim: I need you to stay right here while you think about it.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: All right? I'm gonna wait.\nPam: All right. I did not come back here just to see you.\nJim: I'm sure you did not. What was your question?\nPam: I don't know, but it might take me a long time to figure it out.\nJim: Well, then, I should figure out things to do while I'm waiting.\nPam: Exactly.\nAndy: Hey, everybody, I changed my mind. Not leaving. I'm gonna stay on in sales.\nNellie: Oh, thank god. Because sales could be your best role yet.\nMeredith: Hey, good choice, man. Seriously. Don't want to see you in a porn next year.\nAndy: Okay.\nKevin: Ooh, there's a great play about a salesman.\nAndy: Death of a salesman.\nKevin: I don't think so.\nAndy: Sure, 'Death of a Salesman' by Arthur Miller, it's a great play about crushed dreams.\nKevin: No, this one was written by Spongebob Squarepants.\nAndy: [sits at Dwight's desk] Got any hot leads?\nPete: See, so you just push from under, and turn it around, and boom. No the staple crimps outward.\nErin: I had no idea. And here I've been stapling the same way for 20 years like a frickin' sheep.\nJim: Look who's back.\nPam: I'm back. Oh, hey, look, and now it's like a double date.\nPete: Wow. Cause, uh [gestures to him and Erin and then to Pam and Jim with sound effects]\nErin: Actually, maybe we should go on a double date some time. That'd be fun.\nPam: Yeah, we should do that for real sometime.\nErin: Well, how about Thursday?\nPam: Oh, well, Thursday's tough, because of'\nJim: Weeknights are actually tough just because'\nPam: They are.\nJim: That's true, yeah.\nErin: Just forget it. Forget I said anything.\nDavid Wallace: Attention, everyone, just a quick announcement. Little reconfiguration to the staff. Dwight Schrute'\nDwight: David. Can I just do one thing while you're making this announcement and then I'll never, ever do it again?\nDavid Wallace: I don't think so.\nDwight: It's just one thing. Just let me'let me do this'\nDavid Wallace: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Come on'what I was about to say was Dwight'[phone buzzes] Oh, I'm sorry, I gotta'This'll be a second, sorry.\nDwight: Just wait and send it to voicemail.\nDavid Wallace: Yeah.\nDwight: Come on. Come on.\nDavid Wallace: [on phone] Then we'll get him a new set of drums.\nDwight: [climbs up on desk] Dwight Schrute is manager! [everyone cheers and applauds]\nAndy: Brava, brava.\nCreed: [from atop his desk] Creed Bratton is the new manager! [nobody responds]\nPam: What's going on?\nKevin: Dwight's the new manager. He freaking did it.\nPam: [hugs Dwight] Congratulations, Dwight.\nDwight: Pam.\nJim: [hugs Dwight] Congratulations, buddy.\nDwight: Thank you, Jim.\nClark: Congrats, Dwight.\nDwight: Get out of Jim's seat.\nClark: But I fought for this seat.\nDwight: You're an annex kid. You might be bullpen, we'll see. Give it a couple of years. Scram.\nPam: It's nice to have you back.\nDwight: So'\nJim: So.\nDwight: I wanted to offer you a new position.\nJim: Let's hear it.\nDwight: Assistant regional manager.\nJim: Nope. Can't accept that job. It's not a real job.\nDwight: Jim.\nJim: I'll tell you what I could accept is assistant to the regional manager. That is a real job and one I'd be proud to take.\nDwight: Shake on it? Done. Way to negotiate, idiot.\nJim: Don't get me wrong, I am definitely here for Pam. But this is an awesome added bonus.\nDwight: So, all the numbers adding up?\nOscar: Hey, I didn't get a chance to say it, but' congratulations, Dwight.\nDwight: Thank you.\nAngela: Yes. Congratulations.\nKevin: Yeah, and Dwight, I'd like to be the first to say congratulations.\nAngela: This is a big day for you.\nDwight: Yes, it is. Carry on.\nAndy: How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? It's cause I had a fallback. That's the problem. When you have fallbacks, it's just easy to give up. When Cortez landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats. So they could never return home. Huge dick move but very effective. I need to be that same kind of dick to myself.\nAndy: Everyone! Changed my mind again.\nPhyllis: What's it now, dream or no dream?\nAndy: Uh, dream. Goin' with my dream. Gotta go all in, isn't that right, Jim?\nJim: Oh, don't look at me cause I think you're making a terrible choice.\nAndy: All in! Whoo!\nAndy: Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all.\nToby: Okay, then, Andy.\nAndy: Yeah, but here's the thing. I can't have good old Dunder Mifflin to fall back on or else I'll never succeed. Gotta burn those boats! So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners.\nToby: Andy, you know I can't do that. It'd be lying.\nAndy: Seriously?\nToby: Yeah, I'm'\nAndy: Come on, just do it.\nToby: I can't.\nAndy: All right, fine, just know that you made me do this. [starts touching Toby's thighs]\nToby: [fending Andy off] Oh, come on. Andy, no.\nAndy: God, Toby, don't'stop blocking my hand.\nToby: No, no.\nAndy: This is your'you brought this on.\nToby: No, no. Andy.\nAndy: Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!\nAngela: [answering phone] This is Angela. Oh. Hello, Miss Polodnikovski. Uh, how can I help you? Did my rent check not clear? Because I just transferred another $25 to that account. So if there's a problem it's clearly on your end. And'oh. Oh. Oh, okay. Good. Then... um' what is this about? No, no. Hey, hey! No, you are out of line Miss Polodnikovski. No, no you are. No you are! Evicted? Fine! I didn't want to live in that cesspool anyway! Listen, I get my security deposit back. Yes, I do. This is not fair! That is not fair! Well, you know what? You have so many hairs on your chin that Animal Control should've taken you away. That is very unladylike! You are disgusting! [hangs up phone]\nKevin: What do you think that was about?\nAndy: David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And I'd just like to point out, I was mad at Dwight. I did it out of spite.\nDavid Wallace: We put the past behind us, though, Andy.\nAndy: What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company?\nDavid Wallace: Enough, Andy. Enough!\nAndy: Just stop forgiving me, David, please? This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself. What if I took a dump on your new car?\nDavid Wallace: Oh my god.\nAndy: Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.' [clip of him flipping off David Wallace] I think she's right. [clip of David Wallace yelling at Andy to get out] I feel calm now. [clip of Andy taking a dump on a car] I feel, like, for the first time in a long time, I'm doing the right thing.\nAngela: Andy.\nAndy: Yeah.\nAngela: What are you doing?\nAndy: Uh, heavy stuff like books on the bottom. So it don't squash my knickety-knacks on top.\nAngela: Yeah, okay. That's not what I mean. You don't have to leave because you said you would. Don't let pride ruin your whole life. Okay? It's not worth it.\nAndy: Wow. Angela. What we had was great, and, honestly I think about it a lot too'\nAngela: Ugh.\nAndy: But I just'it's in the past. And I feel like we shouldn't'\nAngela: No, that's not'\nAndy: Rehash'\nAngela: No, none'No, stop. It's just'\nAndy: Exactly.\nAngela: Okay. Well, have a good trip. Good luck, Andy.\nAndy: Thanks, Angela. You too.\nAngela: Thanks.\nAndy: A-bridge, a-burnt. No turning back now. Everybody, Lorelai and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how.\nNellie: Oh, good lord.\nStanley: Can't you just leave?\nJim: You know, Andy, you could just say a really nice goodbye.\nAndy: Tuna, I'm a performer. And perform I shall. [sings 'I Will Remember You''everyone is slightly impressed]\nDwight: [whispering] You okay?\nAngela: [crying] It's just a really nice song.\nKevin: [everyone applauding] Awesome!\nPhyllis: Who knows? Maybe Andy will make it. He's not terrible.\nStanley: Yeah. And people worse than him make it all the time. Like Lil Romeo.\nPhyllis: No, he's good.\nStanley: He was good.\nOscar: Good night, Kevin.\nKevin: Night, Oscar.\nOscar: Tents? Are you thinking of going camping? I thought you found nature vulgar.\nAngela: Well, I've changed my mind.\nOscar: Wait a minute. You're not thinking of living in a'\nAngela: Oh, god, could you just mind your own business?\nOscar: Okay, I'm just gonna say this. You are not going to live in a tent.\nAngela: Oh, god.\nOscar: Come stay with me.\nAngela: You don't want me at your place.\nOscar: I do. Yes. Not forever. But until you get back on your feet. Which won't be long. It's the least I could do.\nAngela: Well'\nOscar: Separate bathrooms.\nAngela: Thank you.\nOscar: You're welcome. Let's go get Phillip. Then we'll get your stuff'\nAngela: Okay.\nOscar: And get you the hell outta that place.\nAngela: Are you allowed to have pets?\nOscar: Oh, Angela.\nDwight: Yesterday I was just your average, ordinary paper salesman with a farm and a bunch of pipe dreams about beet fuel. Today, I leave here a regional manager with a black belt. It really is amazing how your life can change in one day.\nDarryl: You talk to Wade and Colin?\nJim: No, I just saw I missed their call. Why? What's up?\nDarryl: We got an offer on the table.\nJim: What kind of offer?\nDarryl: A buyout.\nJim: What?\nDarryl: We're in play, baby.\nJim: Oh, my god!\nDarryl: We did it! Hey, and look, the buyers wanna make sure it's not just a Philly play, so get this: they're gonna pay for us to go pitch out west. We talking Spurs, the Jazz, Cowboys. Blake Griffin, baby.\nJim: Wow, that is' wow.\nDarryl: Yeah, we did it.\nJim: Yeah, we did. Hey, how long'how long do we think that's gonna take?\nDarryl: Wade said we could do the whole country in three months.\nJim: Oh, man. Yeah, I can't do it.\nDarryl: Can't do what?\nJim: This, man. I can't do this to Pam.\nDarryl: No, no, Jim. This is different. This is everything.\nJim: I know. And I can't do it.\nAngela: So is your place all bachelor-slobby and gross?\nOscar: No, it's neat and tasteful, like most gay men's homes. The stereotype holds up.\nAngela: I wouldn't know. I never lived with a gay guy.\nOscar: Angela, you just were'\nAngela: [starts sobbing] I love him.\nOscar: I know. I understand more than most, but we both have to move on. You'you can't'\nAngela: No, not the senator. I love Dwight."}
{"text": "Erin: The tea in Nepal is very hot.\nKevin: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office]\nDwight: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.\nErin: The tea in Nepal is very hot.\nDwight: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.\nErin: Close.\nDwight: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?\nErin: Colder.\nDwight: The coffee in Paraguay is colder?\nErin: No, I meant you're getting colder. The correct response is, 'the coffee in Peru is much hotter.'\nDwight: Ah, much, ok.\nErin: But, that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol?\nDwight: No, no. Give me the steam.\nDwight: It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.\nDwight: [while getting steamed] Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!\nCreed: [carrying in clothes on hangers] Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning.\nPhilip: Mama!\nOscar: Angela, someone wants you.\nAngela: Ok, coming. Hi, baby.\nOscar: Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o.\nOscar: Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.\nEsther: Go get 'em, honey.\nDwight: Oh, don't worry. They'll get got.\nDwight: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check' on that later today. This is my grandmother's ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.\nAndy: Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.\nCheck-in guy: Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line.\nAndy: Yes!\nAndy: Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It's a really cool show, it's like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!\nJim: Sales form for you to sign.\nDwight: You know what to do. [waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox] Ok\nDwight: Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best.\nJim: Aw, thanks, man.\nDwight: Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we've overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War'\nJim: No.\nDwight: Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.\nJim: Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.\nPam: Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.\nJim: All depends on the conference room meeting itself. [phone chimes] Uh, okay.\nPam: Is that them again?\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: Maybe you should call back?\nJim: I will. I will.\nJim: The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that's final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I'm not risking that again.\nPam: When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim.\nDwight: Welcome.\nJim: He welcomes you.\nDwight: Please take an agenda item.\nJim: Your agenda-taking pleases him.\nDwight: Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. 'Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.' [buzzer sound] That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you.\nJim: Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, please don't yell out, 'Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.' Ok? That's nonsense.\nPam: Question.\nJim: Yes, beautiful girl in the front.\nPam: We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, 'Nice jugs'?\nJim: That's obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?\nEveryone: [overlapping] Zero. No nonsense. You can't have nonsense.\nDwight: [as Angela enters with Phillip] What is going on?\nAngela: Daycare won't take Phillip anymore.\nOscar: Why?\nAngela: Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive. So, hi.\nOscar: Hi, buddy.\nDwight: Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today.\nJim: Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who's excited?\nMeredith: I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap.\nStanley: Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.\nDwight: I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month.\nKevin: Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.\nOscar: I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.\nCreed: This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast.\nAndy: This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.\nCasey: Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! [singing] Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you.\nAndy: No!\nCasey: America wants it!\nAndy: No, this is my time! You don't belt on my time! I belt on my time.\nCasey: [singing] Casey Dean!\nAndy: [vocalizing over her] Casey Dean!\nCasey: Man, those are some nice pipes.\nAndy: Yeah.\nCasey: What's your name?\nAndy: Andy. What's yours?\nAngela: Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?\nOscar: Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?\nKevin: Guys.\nAngela: Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong.\nKevin: Guys.\nAngela: Why don't you pack it?\nKevin: Guys.\nAngela & Oscar: Kevin, what?\nKevin: Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says 'bold front' instead of 'cold front'? It's insane.\nAngela: Not now, Kevin. Can't you see we're busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks.\nOscar: Seriously, Kevin. I'm just gonna have to go to the store.\nAngela: Ok, you go to the store.\nKevin: Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It's all about Phillip. I hate Phillip.\nDwight: Not now! Private time!\nJim: I love Star Wars as much as the next guy'\nDwight: Hey, hey! Seriously? [holds up Battlestar Galactica model box]\nJim: My god, I'm so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.\nDwight: Which is, of course'\nJim: Potential future nonsense.\nDwight: Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me.\nJim: I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You've got a regional manager.\nDwight: The power source.\nJim: Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager.\nDwight: A loyal, but bungling apostle.\nJim: But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?\nDwight: Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.\nJim: Exactly.\nDwight: I'd have to get some more wire and string, but it's doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?\nJim: Yeah, right. I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.\nDwight: I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?\nJim: Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?\nDwight: That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.\nCasey: What're you listening to?\nAndy: Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440.\nCasey: Oh, sweet.\nAndy: A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.\nMark McGrath: What's up, everybody? And welcome to America's Next A Cappella Singing Sensation!\nCasey: Ah! It's Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You're gorgeous!\nMark McGrath: Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole!\nAndy: There's a mole?\nMark McGrath: Oops. I'm not supposed to'I'm not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right?\nAndy: What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.\nMark McGrath: Good man right there. I'll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?\nAndy: Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!\nCasey: What? On a roll much?\nAndy: I don't know where it came from.\nCasey: That was amazing, man!\nAndy: Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny.\nCasey: Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.\nAndy: I did, I felt it.\nCasey: Big time.\nPam: What are you so excited about?\nJim: Nothing.\nPam: What are you up to?\nJim: Members of the office, hear ye.\nDwight: That means ye, Plop!\nPete: Plop? Still?\nDwight: We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?\nPete: Fine.\nJim: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.\nErin: Aw, heck ya!\nPam: Nice.\nDwight: You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.\nJim: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring.\nDwight: Wow, the honor. God, I envy them.\nJim: He envies you.\nDwight: You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it.\nJim: Alright.\nJim: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.\nDarryl: What up?\nGlenn: What's going on? How was the delivery?\nDarryl: Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I'm here.\nDarryl: I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.\nJim: A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?\nMeredith: Uh, two.\nJim: 985,000,000,000,017.00\nDwight: Not even close, Meredith. Come on!\nJim: Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?\nPam: Theme song from Saved by the Bell.\nJim: Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.\nDwight: Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job.\nJim: That's exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing?\nPete: A horse.\nJim: Ew, the exact opposite, actually.\nPete: What's the opposite of a horse?\nJim: Come on.\nJim & Dwight: Sea horse.\nJim: Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna'\nJim & Dwight: Say that? Uncanny.\nJim: Challenge number two, protocol. Clark?\nClark: Yeah.\nJim: Do you want a corn dog?\nClark: I would love a corn dog.\nJim: We'll see. You are an assistant who's just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message.\nClark: [reading] Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.'\nDwight: No, no, no, no! You don't read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations.\nJim: Uncanny.\nSoldier: I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they'll feel like anything is possible.\nAndy: Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you.\nCasey: Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids.\nAndy: What?\nCasey: Yeah.\nAndy: Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?\nCasey: I don't know. But I'm getting really worried here.\nAndy: Me too. Hold my place in line.\nCasey: Where are you going?\nAndy: They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me.\nDarryl: Thanks, man.\nHank: Thank you.\nDarryl: Yep. Take care.\nPam: Darryl, hey.\nDarryl: Hey.\nPam: Cool, are you coming back to say hi?\nDarryl: No, no, I'm not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn't say goodbye to.\nPam: Aha. How's Athlead?\nDarryl: We livin' like rock stars. I'm about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities.\nPam: Wow.\nDarryl: Jim really doesn't want to come?\nPam: He says he doesn't want to.\nDarryl: Wow. Man. I hope he doesn't regret it.\nPam: Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin.\nDarryl: Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?\nPam: That's what he says.\nDarryl: If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then.\nJim: An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right?\nDwight: A thousand times more.\nPhyllis: I'll try this one.\nJim: Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course.\nPhyllis: [grabbing the coffee] Hot!\nJim: Yeah. It's real. It's the only way you'll learn. OK, and go ahead. [Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course] Oh, god, nice! She's through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful!\nDwight: [over Jim] No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously?\nJim: Look at that form.\nDwight: [running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis] Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! [races through obstacles, spilling coffee] Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah!\nJim: Uncanny. [everyone applauds]\nErin: Darryl?! Darryl!\nKevin: Whoa.\nDarryl: Oh, hey. Hey, what's up, y'all?\nErin: You left us without saying goodbye.\nDarryl: Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody.\nMeredith: Hey! No way!\nKevin: That's totally uncool.\nErin: Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs.\nDarryl: I don't think I sh-\nErin: Get upstairs, mister!\nMeredith: Yeah!\nKevin: Right. Now.\nDarryl: Guess I'm going upstairs.\nJim: You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing'none of these people are good enough.\nDwight: I know.\nJim: What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I've ever said.\nDwight: Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-\nJim: Is-\nDwight: Me.\nJim: The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.\nDwight: Yes! [weak applause] Thank you.\nJim: I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. [Dwight awkwardly squats] That's it. You look really, really good.\nDwight: Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?\nJim: Hey.\nPam: Hey.\nJim: You all right? What's going on?\nPam: Are you happy?\nJim: Yes, I'm happy.\nPam: No, I know that you're, like, happy and, like, you had fun today.\nJim: Yeah.\nPam: And that was fun. But what about a year from now?\nJim: What?\nPam: What about five years from now?\nJim: Pam.\nPam: Because I'm so glad you're back, baby, but I'm just'I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you're giving up so much.\nJim: This was my decision, not yours.\nPam: Okay.\nJim: You didn't force me.\nPam: I kind of forced you to do it.\nJim: You did not force me to do this.\nPam: Yes, I did.\nJim: I don't know how else to tell you.\nPam: I'm afraid that you're gonna resent me and I'm afraid that'\nJim: Resent you?\nPam: This is not enough for you and I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you.\nJim: Is that really what you think?\nJim: Not enough? I don't know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it's against the rules but I'm gonna need a favor from you guys.\nCamera Crew: Okay. You got it, man.\nDarryl: I didn't realize we were this close.\nPhyllis: We're all a little hormonal with the doc airing.\nMeredith: Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight?\nDarryl: Uh' yeah. Depending on traffic.\nStanley: He ain't coming.\nErin: Oh, god!\nDarryl: These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.\nDarryl: Well, it's been great.\nPhyllis: Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he's gone for who knows how long.\nDarryl: Maybe forever. Anyhow'\nOscar: Did we ever have lunch together, just'just the two of us? You know what, I'm gonna make reservations right now at Cugino's.\nMeredith: Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?\nDarryl: Oh, oh, I'm sure we did.\nMeredith: Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl.\nClark: Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get.\nErin: Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl's next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we'll get this started.\nDarryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that's on me. But I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you're feeling sentimental.\nMeredith: You have to! [everyone grumbling]\nDarryl: Hey, hey, hey. I'll do one thing with y'all.\nPhyllis: Which thing?\nDarryl: I don't care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though.\nAngela: Kevin, Kevin.\nKevin: Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. [continues making noise]\nAngela: Kevin, could you not do that?\nKevin: What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work.\nOscar: Here, use my pen.\nKevin: Don't tell me what to do!\nAngela & Oscar: Shhh!\nKevin: No, I don't need this! And you obviously don't need me.\nAngela: Kevin, where are you going?\nKevin: Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.\nOscar: He just won't go down. It's as if he's excited by all this paper.\nAngela: I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.\nDwight: Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond.\nAndy: Hey, what's goin' on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns?\nCasey: You're back!\nAndy: No, it's me, Andy!\nCasey: No, I know.\nAndy: No, no, no. I'm wearing makeup.\nCasey: You did a really great job. You even look shorter.\nAndy: Oh, I took out my lifts.\nCasey: Oh.\nAndy: Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height.\nCasey: Oh.\nEsther: All day long, it's moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs.\nDwight: Oink the pigs, that is very important. [watching Phillip]\nEsther: Dwight, I'm telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight?\nDwight: The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.\nDwight: [puts his grandmother's ring away] Thank you, Esther.\nEsther: Bye.\nJim: You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?\nDwight: I need you to perform a test.\nJim: Perform a test.\nDwight: On an innocent baby.\nJim: Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don't worry, he's the best in the biz.\nDwight: Damn straight.\nJim: Unless you think he can't handle it.\nDwight: Hey, he can handle it.\nJim: All right.\nOscar: [holding Phillip] Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley's sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?\nStanley: I heard that.\nPhillip: Mama.\nDwight: Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.\nPam: He does have a gift.\nOscar: Well, he's calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites.\nPhillip: Mama.\nDwight: Okay. [takes Phillip who immediately stops crying] You ever been in a manager's office before?\nDwight: Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It's called 'Schrute or Consequences.' You're gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?\nPhillip: Beet.\nDwight: Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.\nCheck-in guy: Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions.\nPeople in line: Oh come on! Hey!\nAndy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?\nCheck-in guy: But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America's Next A Cappella Sensa'\nAndy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that. You can't do that, we've all been waiting.\nCheck-in guy: Okay.\nAndy: I am going in there! Don't'\nCheck-in guy: No, you're not, sir.\nAndy: Don't'don't'\nCheck-in guy: Please don't.\nAndy: Don't touch me.\nCheck-in guy: I'm not touching you. Okay? [Andy makes a break for it]\nCasey: Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don't you dare. Don't get'I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I'm Casey Dean! You'll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won't be seeing the last of me!\nOscar: Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don't know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple.\nDwight: That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.\nKevin: He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck.\nAndy: [interrupting contestant singing 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera] Hi. You're still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You're like, my three favorite people ever.\nSantigold: What is this?\nAndy: [shushing contestant] Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay? You're obviously gonna be on the show, so it's someone else's turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, [old man voice] my name is Ezra Cornell and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.\nAaron Rodgers: No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.\nAndy: Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that.\nClay Aiken: No, we do not want to hear you sing.\nSantigold: Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye.\nAndy: Nope! Can't end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss's car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.\nAaron Rodgers: Flag on the play.\nAndy: That's'that's what'yeah. Okay, all right, well, here's the song. [singing] Far above Cayuga's waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater'\nSantigold: What is this song?\nAndy: Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song.\nClay Aiken: Listen, all right, thank you very much, we're not interested.\nAndy: You didn't let me finish. That's not fair.\nAaron Rodgers: Look, man, you're not terrible. We've heard a lot of really good singers today and you're just not good enough.\nAndy: Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that's the show. Let me try a different song, okay?\nAaron Rodgers: Can he do this?\nAndy: [singing] Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile. [falters at the judges' reactions] Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly'\nSantigold: Look, you gotta go. [Andy falls to his knees, sobbing] You can't just sit here and cry.\nAndy: Oh I can so just sit here and cry!\nJim: [addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk] Thank you.\nOscar: Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?\nKevin: Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?\nOscar: Okay, I guess, it's just that Phillip got you something.\nAngela: Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.\nOscar: I think there's, like, $7 left.\nAngela: It's just his way of saying, 'Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.'\nKevin: Phillip got this for me?\nOscar: Sure.\nKevin: That was a really cool move.\nAngela: Would you like to hold Phillip? [hands off Phillip] Yeah. That's Kevin.\nKevin: Whoa.\nOscar: Easy.\nKevin: What a chubbers. Whoa.\nAngela: Okay, watch it.\nKevin: I'm losing my balance.\nAngela: No, Kevin, no.\nOscar: Hey, no.\nKevin: Whoa!\nOscar: No horseplay.\nAngela: Stop it.\nKevin: You wanna play with the cactus?\nAngela: No, no!\nKevin: So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we're gonna be best friends. He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.\nErin: We have our decision.\nDarryl: You chose one thing?\nErin: We want to dance with you.\nDarryl: You want to dance?\nErin: One dance, all of us together.\nDarryl: This is what you want?\nErin: Absolutely.\nDarryl: Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we're gonna do this right.\nErin: Yes! [Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer]\nAngela: Hey. You wanted to see me?\nDwight: Door. Chair. It's about Phillip.\nAngela: I am sorry he's here today but I had'\nDwight: I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.\nAngela: How thoughtful.\nDwight: Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.\nAngela: If he is your son, that's a great plan. But he's not. He's not your son.\nDwight: Very well.\nAngela: Can I go back to my desk now?\nDwight: Yes.\nPam: What is this?\nJim: Well I've been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn't believe me, so [shows her DVD] I needed a little help.\nDwight: Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.\nJim: OK, I don't have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so.\nDwight: [throws 'now' beanbag at Jim] Now.\nJim: I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip.\nDwight: Jim. I'm not kidding. I need you.\nPam: Go ahead.\nJim: Ok, um, this is' [leaves DVD with her]'I'll be right back.\nJim: What do we got?\nDwight: I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.\nJim: Wow! Congratulations, that's a really big step.\nDwight: She's got a ton of great qualities. She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest.\nJim: Right in the sweet spot. I think you're gonna be really happy.\nDwight: Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.\nJim: [whistles] That's a lot of pros.\nDwight: And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.\nJim: So what is the problem?\nDwight: Angela.\nJim: I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.\nDwight: Some sort of virus?\nJim: Love.\nDwight: Oh.\nJim: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.\nDwight: You're a good assistant, Jim.\nJim: Not as good as you.\nDwight: That's very true. Get the hell outta here.\nJim: You got it.\nJim: You watched it.\nPam: Yeah.\nJim: Well, then I guess you're ready for this. [gives her the Christmas card]\nPam: What's that?\nJim: It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the card] Not enough for me? You are everything.\nPam: Thank you.\nErin: Ok, everybody ready?\nPhyllis: Hit it, red! ['Boogie Wonderland' by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office]\nDarryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.\nOscar: Ok, I've got my'\nMeredith: See you guys at Poor Richard's, all right?\nOscar: All right, Meredith.\nAngela: Okay, bye.\nOscar: See you there.\nKevin: Bye, Phillip. High five.\nOscar: Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour.\nAngela: Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off?\nOscar: She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up.\nAngela: All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye!\nOscar: Oh, my goodness.\nDwight: [in bullhorn] Pull over!\nAngela: Dwight?\nDwight: Move to the side of the road!\nAngela: Why?\nDwight: Pull over!\nAngela: What do you'Dwight! [Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over]\nAngela: [getting out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem!\nDwight: [on bullhorn still] Shut up, woman!\nAngela: Who drives like that?\nDwight: Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!\nAngela: Can you put that down?\nDwight: This expresses how loudly I love you.\nAngela: It's too loud.\nDwight: [puts down bullhorn and kneels] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.\nAngela: Okay, yes'yes, I will! [they kiss] I love you!\nDwight: I love you!\nAngela: And I lied to you.\nDwight: What?\nAngela: Phillip's your son.\nDwight: What? Why would you say that'\nAngela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.\nDwight: [excited] Get out! I'm a dad!\nAngela: You're a dad!\nCreed: Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor's up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. [Dwight kisses Creed's head] Oh!\nErin: You have to change the channel to PBS.\nKevin: Yeah.\nBartender: College baseball is on.\nErin: But there's a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.\nBartender: What's it about?\nErin: A paper company.\nBartender: How many people want the game? [half the bar cheers] Who wants PBS? [other half cheers] Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.\nKevin: Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.\nAndy: One more for the doc. [the office staff cheers]\nBartender: All right.\nKevin: Yes!\nClark: Hey, how was the singing show audition?\nAndy: Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal.\nCreed: Ok, thirty seconds to showtime!\nKevin: I feel scared a little.\nPhyllis: Yeah, I'm not ready for this.\nStanley: No one is ready for this. You can't be ready for this. We don't even know what this is.\nOscar: One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.\nJim: Here we go. [documentary starts with the first scene of 'Pilot']"}