Michael: Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road-
Dwight: How do you know it's going to be a boy?
Michael: How, would you stop interrupting please?
Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
Michael: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to.
Michael: To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever.
Dwight: [Shakes head]
Michael: Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
Pam: What?
Michael: We will demonstrate on Pam.
Pam: No. No. [Leaves]
Michael: Come on.
Michael: [Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Dwight: Ow.
Michael: Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.
Michael: And remember no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight: What if he's a murderer?
Michael: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight: Maybe that's how you die.
Michael: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?
Dwight: I want to do this.
Michael: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Dwight: Action.
Michael: Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.
Jim: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
Michael: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
Michael: I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat.
Michael: What's up spinsters?
Angela: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Michael: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys.
Karen: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever.
Jim: Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights.
Pam: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.
Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen: Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend.
Packer: Shut up!
Karen: Yep.
Packer: Shut it!
Karen: That's rude.
Packer: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!
Michael: Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor]
Packer: What happened?
Michael: Oh God-
Packer: Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael]
Michael: No, no, no!
Michael: I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.
Packer: I have a full day of sales calls.
Michael: You should get out of them.
Packer: [Breaks pencil.]
Michael: It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious.
Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get?
Michael: I did not order a stripper.
Packer: You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Michael: Um, not personally, no.
Packer: Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard.
Michael: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
Packer: Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Michael: So that's what that means.
Michael: Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself]
Dwight: Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself]
Michael: Gay.
Dwight: What?
Michael: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: SHUT UP ANGELA!
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Ugh.
Jim: Ugh.
Pam: Everything okay?
Jim: Oh yeah. Why?
Pam: Well you seem a little tired.
Jim: Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam: You should get more sleep.
Jim: Yeah, I know I should.
Pam: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
Jim: No, I'm sure you're right.
Pam: When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.
Jim: Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.
Pam: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. [Turning towards the vending machine] Oh my God.
Michael: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight: I'm on it.
Michael: Well get on it. And make it happen.
Dwight: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-
Jim: Stop. That's disgusting.
Dwight: Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
Jim: Fine.
Dwight: I knew you would, Nancy.
Jim: Sally.
Dwight: No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?
Jim: Blonde.
Dwight: Nice. Do you have any blonde women?
Michael: [Giggles.]
Ryan: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Michael: [Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes?
Jim: Are you okay?
Michael: I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.
Jim: Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants.
Michael: Squarepants?
Jim: Yep, Spongebob Squarepants.
Michael: And you think that'd be sexy?
Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
Ben Franklin: Hold the door please!
Michael: Oh.
Ben Franklin: Thank you.
Michael: Oh. Hello!
Ben Franklin: Hello!
Michael: You wearing a thong?
Ben Franklin: What?
Angela: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam: I think that's champagne.
Angela: [Spits champagne back into her glass]
Michael: Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.
Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis]
Jim: Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Jim: Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth: Hey.
Jim: Hi.
Elizabeth: I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight: Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth: I'm the stripper.
Dwight: Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such.
Jim: [Phone rings] Oh God.
Dwight: [Reading the text message] Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'
Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight.
Karen: Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Yes?
Karen: Do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
Pam: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?
Ben Franklin: Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening.
Michael: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.
Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: No. Yes.
Ryan: Oh gross.
Michael: But I got all the foot off of it.
Pam: Okay Ben Franklin!
Karen: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!
Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man.
Pam: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
Ben Franklin: Well, you're very saucy! [Winks at Pam.]
Michael: Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.
Stanley: [Stanley's fork breaks.] Of course.
Karen: So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use?
Pam: Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it.
Karen: Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.
Pam: What do you mean?
Karen: Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him?
Pam: Oh yeah.
Karen: Really?
Pam: Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together.
Karen: Okay.
Pam: I'm not into Jim. Yeah.
Karen: So um, well good.
Pam: Yeah. Sorry.
Karen: What are you sorry about?
Pam: Um, what?
Karen: What are you sorry about?
Pam: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else.
Kevin: Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild.
Michael: I call shuffle. Here we go. [Spreads cards out all over the table]
Kevin: Michael.
Michael: Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Hi guys!
Michael: Nice outfit.
Elizabeth: I hear there's an important meeting here.
Roy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art.
Elizabeth: Hit it. [Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background] So where's the groom?
Michael: He's right there. There he is.
Bob Vance: Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you.
Michael: Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I?
Elizabeth: Just sit on down.
Michael: Alright.
Elizabeth: Alright.
Michael: Okay.
Elizabeth: Here we go.
Michael: Here we go. Alright!
Elizabeth: Yeah!
Michael: Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.
Elizabeth: Mmm, what's that?
Michael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...
Elizabeth: I bet she'd be jealous. [Rips off shirt]
Michael: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work!
Dwight: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.
Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on.
Dwight: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.
Elizabeth: Oh I love your poster.
Angela: Thank you.
Kevin: [Mouths 'hi' at the stripper]
Ben Franklin: You know I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben Franklin: Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
Pam: Ohhh.
Michael: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me.
Ben Franklin: You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.
Michael: Really.
Ben Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.
Michael: Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag.
Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
Michael: Wow. Thank you.
Dwight: Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph the 2nd.
Dwight: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd.
Dwight: Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin: Why the tyrant King George, of course!
Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
Jan: [On speaker phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?
Michael: Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will.
Jan: Okay.
Michael: I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
Jan: Uh when, when did, when last night?
Michael: No, today at work.
Jan: You went to a bachelor party at work?
Michael: Yes. I kind of arranged it.
Kelly: Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?
Ryan: Kelly don't do this.
Kelly: Do what? I just asked you a question.
Ryan: You know what you're doing.
Kelly: Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.
Jim: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley?
Pam: Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.
Ryan: Ok.
Elizabeth: Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.
Pam: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
Elizabeth: You could strip you know.
Pam: Thanks.
Michael: So you don't want to end our relationship?
Jan: I'm closer to firing you.
Michael: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?
Jan: I'll talk to you later.
Michael: You are. You are.
Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.
Dwight: Are you near sighted or far sighted?
Ben Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocal.
Dwight: GAH!!!


Jim: Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
Dwight: What do you think?
Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment.
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?
Dwight: Okay.
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Altoid?
Dwight: Sure
Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight?
Dwight: Inbwit? Yes.
Dwight: [Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs]
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: I...
Jim: What?
Dwight: I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise]
Michael: Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?
Photographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great.
Michael: Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.
Phyllis: Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.
Pam: Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'.
Jim: So what's in the box?
Stanley: A toaster, you?
Karen: A toaster.
Stanley: Unbelievable.
Dwight: Hello, Angela.
Angela: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Angela: Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left!
Dwight: The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
Jim: Those flowers are nice.
Karen: Yeah. P and R?
Jim: Phyllis and Robert.
Karen: Ah, of course.
Pam: Also, Pam and Roy.
Michael: There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.
Michael: How you doin'? You excited.
Phyllis: Yes, very.
Michael: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?
Phyllis: No.
Michael: You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous...
Phyllis: That wasn't me.
Michael: Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?
Phyllis: I thought it was...
Michael: Here, let me...
Phyllis: Michael... No.
Michael: Just cover up that bald patch.
Phyllis: I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
Michael: [in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you!
Michael: Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'.
Dwight: Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?
Jim: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
Dwight: No way.
Jim: Did you ever see that movie?
Dwight: Of course I saw it.
Dwight: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
Jim: You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out.
Dwight: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.
Kevin: [to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her?
Toby: At the gym.
Kevin: Riiight. The gym. [snickers]
Kelly: Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.
Meredith: I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
Kelly: I know but there was an emergency.
Kelly: I look
Michael: This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it.
Pam: That's my dress.
Michael: [whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking]
Dwight: It's a miracle.
Crowd: [generalized clapping]
Michael: This is bull****!
Michael: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.
Michael: I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over.
Priest: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis: I do.
Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
Priest: And do you, Bob...
Michael: Oh, shiii...
Priest: ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife
Bob Vance: I do.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Michael: Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
Angela: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning.
Phyllis: Thanks Angela.
Michael: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.
Dwight: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.
Phyllis: I don't have that, Dwight.
Dwight: Dammit, Phyllis!
Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well... this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine
Kelly: There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks
Dwight: Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple?
Uncle Al: Who?
Dwight: The bride and groom? What are their names?
Uncle Al: Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure.
Dwight: Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on.
Uncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going?
Dwight: Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.
Uncle Al: Oh!
Michael: Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
Phyllis: It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.
Michael: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis: It's fish.
Michael: I will take care of that.
Michael: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.
Kevin: No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.
Kevin: Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light.
Roy: Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste.
Pam: You're kidding me, right?
Roy: I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom.
Pam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
Roy: I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning.
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: Sorry about that.
Pam: It's okay.
Roy: You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.
Randy: Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler!
Crowd: [cheering and clapping]
Unknown: She is.
Randy: Cheers.
Crowd: Cheers.
Michael: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines 'wedding' as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride 'Mawige...
Michael: The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.
Michael: Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance...
Bob Vance: Oh okay. That's enough.
Michael: is a guy that...
Bob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me...
Michael: he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.
Bob Vance: Give me the microphone.
Michael: No. I'm not going to...
Bob Vance: Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael.
Michael: Ok. All right.
Bob Vance: You're out of here!
Michael: Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey!
Jim: When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Pam: Oh... I'm pacing myself.
Jim: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.
Pam: No. I'm such a dorky dancer.
Jim: I know. It's very cute.
Jim: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical.
Michael: Come... Come on!
Dwight: I can't let you in, Michael.
Michael: Dwight, just...
Dwight: No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders.
Michael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song.
Dwight: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.
Michael: OK.
Roy: Hey, they're playing our song.
Pam: Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police.
Roy: I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?
Michael: [sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.
Roy: [to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here?
Jim: Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen.
Karen: [sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every...
Women: One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them]
Toby: Toby! Yeah!
Michael: I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together.
Michael: We are great together. We are a great team.
Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team.
Michael: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Uncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know!
Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.
Michael: Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Phyllis: You found Uncle Al!
Michael: Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.
Phyllis: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: You're... You're welcome.
Michael: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
Michael: Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]


Michael: Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you?
Kevin: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.
Michael: Huh?
Kevin: I almost died. I... I went into this skid-
Michael: Pop quiz.
Kevin: ...What?
Michael: Why is today a special day?
Kevin: I almost died.
Michael: Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you...
Ryan: You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class.
Michael: In business school, Kevin. Business school.
Kevin: Wow.
Ryan: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid
Michael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us.
Michael: Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?
Dwight: Don't be an idiot.' Changed my life.
Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing.
Michael: Will they throw their hats, you think?
Ryan: What?
Michael: A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan: Y-You understand nobody's graduating.
Michael: Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: 'May your hats fly as high as your dreams.' ... That was a pretty good line.
Ryan: ...It doesn't apply.
Michael: I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!
Ryan: Quit it!
Michael: We have fun.
Roy: I can't for your art show tonight.
Pam: Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio.
Roy: I-I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Pam: Thanks.
Pam: I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy.
Roy: Love ya.
Pam: You too.
Jim: Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on.
Kelly: I can't believe you're back together with Roy!
Pam: Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.
Kelly: Oh my God. You're so in love now.
Pam: Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.
Kelly: Oh, art show!
Pam: I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.
Kelly: ...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure.
Michael: Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, throws frisbee] Whoo!
College Student: ...Dude.
Dwight: ...Oh my God. Animal stool. [jumps on desk]
Pam: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile] Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo-BAT! BAAAT! BAT!
Karen: Oh my God!
Dwight: BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!
Stanley: Goooood bye.
Angela: [on ground] ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me...
Michael: Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.
Ryan: ...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off...
Michael: I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.
Dwight: We have... a bat... in the office.
Toby: The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open.
Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!
Jim: Okay. Thanks. [hangs up phone] Animal control will be here at six.
Dwight: At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership.
Jim: I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd...
Dwight: What? What's so wierd?
Jim: The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... [shrugs] Oh well.
Ryan: And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.
Michael: Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.
Dwight: [sighs] This is your job, Halpert.
Jim: Ow!
Karen: Oh, what happened?
Jim: That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot.
Karen: But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.
Jim: What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre.
Dwight: No... no. One crisis at a time.
Dwight: If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.
Michael: So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... [pulls out a candy bar] a Whatchamacallit [throws bar]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied?
Toby: Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.
Pam: Oh! No, you should go.
Toby: Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.
Michael: Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies.
Ryan: Michael.
Michael: ...And products!
Ryan: What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.
Michael: Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.
Business Student #1: Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael: We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops]
Karen: Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.
Jim: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.
Karen: What glare?
Jim: The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding.
Dwight: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
Dwight: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance-
Creed: Sure.
Dwight: #NAME?
Creed: Okay.
Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size?
Business Student #2: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Michael: ...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.
Business Student #2: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael: ...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid.
Business Student #3: How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?
Michael: Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index?
Business Student #3: ...What?
Michael: Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here?
Business Student #1: By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.
Michael: ...Wait, Ryan said that?
Kelly: What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat.
Creed: Animals can't feel pain.
Kelly: Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!
Dwight: Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW!
Kelly: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!
Kevin: [locks bat in break room] I... am a hero!
Michael: Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay.
Business Student #2: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael: David will always beat Goliath.
Business Student #1: But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax...
Michael: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?
Business Student #1: But in the big picture...
Michael: Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT!
Ryan: ...It wasn't personal.
Michael: Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.
Ryan: Pack my-?
Michael: You heard me, pack your things.
Meredith: I really want to come out!
Creed: Good night, Mary Beth!
Jim: So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control?
Dwight: Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.
Jim: Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight.
Dwight: Goodbye Jim. And good luck.
Dwight: Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.
Pam: ...And it's all from the same series.
Woman: Oh.
Pam: Called 'Impressions.'
Woman: Oh.
Pam: Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se.
Woman: Maybe one day.
Pam: I hope so.
Woman: Mmm.
Pam: I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [Woman leaves, Roy enters] Hey, babe, how are you?
Roy: Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh?
Pam: Hey, Kenny.
Kenny: Hey Pam.
Roy: How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh?
Dwight: Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! [puts bag over Meredith's head]
Meredith: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Dwight: Hold still, woman!
Meredith: Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!
Dwight: ...[captures bat in bag] ... You're welcome.
Roy: It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.
Pam: Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home.
Roy: To my place?
Pam: Maybe, I'm a little tired.
Roy: Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art.
Pam: Thank you.
Ryan: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.
Michael: Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex.
Ryan: To the annex? Where... Kelly is?
Michael: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.
Oscar: You're the one who said we needed more culture.
Gil: This is culture to you?
Oscar: It's her first try.
Gil: Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.
Oscar: Meaning what?
Gil: Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.
Oscar: Well, those aren't Pam's strong points.
Gil: Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art.
Artist: Thanks for coming.
Michael: Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town.
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Wow! You did these... freehand?
Pam: Yep.
Michael: My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] ... How much?
Pam: What do you mean?
Michael: I don't see a... price.
Pam: Um... you wanna buy it?
Michael: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car?
Pam: Uh-huh.
Michael: That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.
Pam: [hugs Michael] ... Thank you.
Michael: What?
Pam: Do you have something in your pocket?
Michael: ...Chunky. Do you want half?
Pam: No thank you.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera.
Kelly: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...
Ryan: It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited.
Kelly: I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't...
Michael: Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can't do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing.
Jim: OK, here we go... Digest of business terms, CliffsNotes on business economics, and a sales encyclopedia.
Michael: Wow! That's a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these.
Jim: Those are the books that sum up the other books.
Michael: So no?
Jim: What are you reading?
Michael: Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I've kept a diary of all my sales.
Jim: Oh, that could be interesting.
Michael: No, it's just mileage mostly, but there's one chapter that I call wisdoms. I'm going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are.
Jim: [clears throat] I am ready.
Michael: Don't do what I say, say what I do.
Jim: Five.
Michael: Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up.
Jim: Hmm... Five.
Michael: This... You know this is a scale of one to ten?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: OK. Do you want me to repeat that?
Jim: No, I got it.
Creed: [motions to phyllis's desk]
Stanley: She's on her honeymoon. She won't be back for six weeks.
Creed: I'll wait. [sighs]
Meredith: Here's a joke for you. Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?
Angela: Don't Meredith.
Meredith: You ready?
Oscar: You know I don't like to participate in the...
Meredith: Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?
Oscar: Really, it's just that I don't like to participate...
Meredith: Grow up.
Oscar: It's just... I'm sorry... It's gossip, and I don't think it's healthy.
Meredith: Get over yourself.
Oscar: Well, I'm not going to get over myself... it's wrong.
Meredith: Because Roy use to... [long censor beep]... with the rice... [long censor beep]... [laughs]
Oscar: [laughs] That's disgusting.
Meredith: [still laughing] I know.
Michael: Everybody please stand, and get up on your desks. [goes to stand on desk] Just stand right up.
Ryan: Michael it's not... It's not...
Michael: That's, yep a little flimsy. Umm... OK... Ahh... Alright, no more desks. Oh OK.
Michael: I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple... [holds up snickers] Kids love candy bars.
Michael: Lets try a little... Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You're it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for.
Student 1: How have you adopted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael: Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise...ses. Umm, let me ask you this: How many people exist in the world? Over forty billion. What are they going to be writing on... rocks? Any one else? [points] Yep.
Student 2: Just following up on that first question...
Michael: No no no no no. Never follow, always lead.
Student 2: OK.
Michael: OK.
Student 2: New question.
Michael: Very good.
Student 2: In the digital age...
Michael: OK.
Student 2: ... email...
Michael: Bop bop de Bope bop bop bop bop bop. You only have me for a limited time... Yes.
Student 3: Do you believe your high fixed cost are warranted given your diminishing market share.
Michael: How can I put this? That question makes you sound gay.
Karen: [Karen sees Pam's art show flyer on the cabinet door, she looks around to make sure no one is looking, then proceeds to rip in down, Oscar comes out of the bathroom, Karen acts like she was just looking at it and then walks out of the kitchen]
Dwight: BAT!
Meredith: [comes out of the bathroom... screams... runs back into the bathroom]
Dwight: What is a leader? I asked Jim that, and he said he had never heard the word before. In America, in 2007. He said he knew the word ladder... What an ignoramous.
Meredith: [Bat hanging from ceiling cleaning itself] I really want to come out.
Dwight: You want rabies? Be my guest.
Pam: [looking with Kevin at the art show flyer] Should be fun.
Kevin: Your name looks really nice.
Creed: Goodnight Mary-Beth.
Kelly: Hope she's OK.
Angela: Just goes to show the power of prayer.
Kelly: You prayed for this?
Angela: In a general sense.
Kenny: So cool you're back with Roy. Maybe we can rent that cabin on the lake again this summer.
Pam: Yeah, that'd be nice.
Kenny: There'll be two of you and only one of me this time, since Denise left me. So I think it's fair I only pay a third.
Pam: Yeah that seems fair.


Michael: Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
Dwight: Yes. But this [pulls at straight jacket] seems to be...
Michael: And now, the chains.
Michael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.
Michael: MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Can he do it? I don't see how he can.
Dwight: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.
Michael: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!
Jim: Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?
Michael: I will get out. Oh yes, I will.
Pam: So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?
Michael: No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.]
Michael: AHHHH!
Kevin: Is everything ok, Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Michael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...
Michael: Alright.
Dwight: [trumpet sounds]
Michael: Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Jim: Another worm? Like, are they friends?
Dwight: It's early bird gets the worm.
Michael: Pam, would you smell my breath?
Pam: No, no.
Dwight: Let me smell. [Michael breathes at Dwight] Good, not great.
Michael: Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?' Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special.
Michael: Jimbo, last chance to carpool.
Jim: Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car.
Michael: Sure? Might be a good idea.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip.
Jim: Thanks.
Michael: Play some games?
Jim: Oh. Um. I think we're good.
Michael: I spy?
Jim: Yeah.
Jim: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?
Dwight: Thanks for inviting me along.
Michael: Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [phone rings] Heh-woh you.
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Hey, Buttercup.
Jan: Hi.
Michael: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...
Jan: Let's just blow this party off.
Michael: That's what she said.
Jan: Am I on speaker phone?
Michael: Uh, yes you are.
Jan: Is anybody else in the...
Dwight: Hello, Jan.
Jan: Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone.
Michael: No problem. [doesn't turn off speakerphone]
Jan: Ok. Let's just go to a motel...
Michael: Ok.
Jan: ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.
Michael: Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I...
Jan: Still on speaker?
Michael: Ummm... I don't know.
Jan: Are camera's there?
Michael: Maybe.
Jan: See you soon.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: Talk to you later, Jan.
Michael: Alright. Bye.
Pam: Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come.
Roy: I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered.
Pam: Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.
Roy: Ok.
Pam: I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy.
Michael: Beauty. Thank you sir!
Dwight: Salad.
Michael: Thank you.
Dwight: You dressed exactly like the servants.
Michael: Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me.
Dwight: Wait. I don't think yours will fit me.
Michael: I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that.
Dwight: That would have been really embarrassing.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Crisis averted.
Michael: Ok.
Pam: Oh, that duck is so cute.
Kevin: Hey Pam.
Pam: Hey guys.
Kevin: Oscar. Angela.
Michael: Hi.
Michael: Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend.
Michael: Oh, um, potato salad.
Dwight: It's from both of us.
Michael: No, it's not.
Rachel: Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok.
Michael: Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here.
Michael: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.
Pam: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?
Kevin: Yeah.
Kelly: Oh my God, when is it?
Kevin: It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.
Roy: Hey.
Pam: Hey. You made it.
Roy: You said it was important, so... How's it going?
Kenny: What's up, Pam.
Pam: Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis.
Roy: You guys, uh, want a round, on me?
Everyone: Yeah.
Roy: Yeah? Get you a drink.
Kenny: Thanks man.
Angela: No thank you, Roy.
Dwight: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.
Michael: What are you looking for? You bring dip?
Jan: I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.
Michael: Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.
Jan: You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company.
Michael: Over our love.
Jan: I've never told you that I love you.
Michael: You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all.
Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.
Jan: What's this over the 'i'?
Michael: It's a heart.
Jan: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?
Michael: I love this woman!
Jan: Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please.
Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Dan Gore: No.
Dwight: No? Then you are an idiot.
Rachel: Hello Michael.
Michael: Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So...
David: Jan, glad you could make it.
Jan: Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott?
David: Of course I do.
Jan: From the Scranton Branch.
Michael: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Jan: David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please.
Rachel: Excuse me.
Michael: Ok.
Pam: [looks at beers] Oh. [Starts to walk away, turns around] No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite.
Bartender: Oh, sorry.
Man: So did the merger go smoothly, or?
Michael: It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them.
Karen: I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management.
Michael: Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great?
Jan: We're good. [Michael tries to kiss Jan] Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok?
Rachel: Can I get anyone anything, or?
Michael: I could go for an appeteaser.
Jan: Martini please.
Michael: Bagel bites or something.
Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dwight: What's the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.
Dwight: I'm just...
David: I don't know
Dwight: It's a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?
Dwight: These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around.
Rachel: I'll show you around.
Dwight: Cool, let's start with the banisters.
Karen: Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall?
Jim: Yep.
Karen: That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date.
Jim: Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me.
Karen: And it didn't end well.
Jim: Gotcha. Alright.
David: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch.
Michael: Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently]
Jan: You ok?
Michael: Yeah. Do you have any ice?
David: Sure.
Michael: How about some Splenda?
Roy: One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here.
Kenny: Where?
Roy: On this side.
Kevin: No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [points to Meredith and Kelly's hands]
Ryan: I think I heard it on Roy's side.
Kevin: No, it is here.
Ryan: [tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.
Kevin: Good thing you didn't listen to me.
Ryan: Yeah, close one.
Roy: [points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's] Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. [Stares at Pam] Not here. [Points at Stanley's hand].
Kenny: YES!
Pam: Nice job.
Roy: I can read you like a book.
Pam: Oh yeah?
Roy: You can't keep anything from me.
Student 1: Hey Creed.
Creed: Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Student 2: You're the man buddy.
Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station.
Dwight: Huh. [Bangs on wall] Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? [Opens door].
Rachel: Uh, that's a guest room.
Dwight: Just the one window?
Rachel: [phone rings] Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me.
Dwight: Are those real pearls?
Rachel: Uh, yes.
Dwight: [tests smoke detector] Good.
Jim: Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care.
Karen: Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated.
Jim: Oh. Hadn't noticed.
Karen: Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable.
Jim: No, it was before I knew you so, its fine.
Michael: This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.
Jan: It's nice.
Michael: You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.
Jan: I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.
Michael: Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.
Jim: Oh.
Michael: Crazy.
Jan: I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.
Michael: Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it?
Jan: Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael]
Michael: What are you doing?
Jan: Don't you know what I'm doing?
Michael: Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.
Jan: Shut up.
Michael: What has gotten into you?
Jan: Come on.
Michael: No, no, no.
Jan: What?
Michael: Come on, let's go back to the party.
Jan: Just let me loosen my dress.
Michael: Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: No, no, no, means please don't. Please.
Jan: Slam me up against the wall, right here.
Michael: I'm not going to slam you up against the wall.
Jan: Oh, please.
Michael: You're acting inappropriate. Jan.
Jan: Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out.
Toby: Here. [hands Pam a duck stuffed animal]
Pam: Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
Toby: I was...
Pam: Hey, don't you have a daughter?
Toby: [takes duck back] Yes.
Dwight: Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?
Child: I don't know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight: I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?
Child: I don't know.
Dwight: What do you know?
David: God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes.
Jim: You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen: Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me.
Jim: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? [Karen smiles and gives herself away] Wow. Ok. You got me.
Karen: I so got you.
Jim: So, none of them?
Karen: Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun.
Jim: Ok.
Karen: Hey Jan.
Jan: Not too good.
Rachel: Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad?
Michael: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.
David: What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael?
Jim: I don't know. Where to begin? My ball.
Dwight: The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.
Roy: What?
Pam: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.
Roy: That's awesome. That's what I want.
Pam: Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us.
Roy: I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all.
Pam: Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
Roy: What?
Pam: He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.
Roy: Jim came on to you?
Pam: Just listen.
Roy: No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening!
Pam: Don't yell!
Roy: Don't yell?!
Pam: This is over.
Roy: Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God!
Kenny: Damn jet skis!
Michael: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle...
Jan: I feel sick.
Michael: You didn't have any of the potato salad did you?
Jan: No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Michael: Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Jan: Please don't cry.
Michael: I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.
Jan: It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him.
Michael: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.
Jan: I didn't mean it. I was...
Michael: Whatever.
Jan: Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it.
Michael: That's all, you didn't mean it?
Jan: That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it.
Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Ok.
Dwight: Don't break up you guys, you're great together.
Roy: Are they going to call the cops?
Kenny: No, I paid them off.
Roy: Jet ski money?
Kenny: All of it.
Roy: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.
Karen: I think it's great that Jim's invited. It's important to have contact with the New York execs, or they'll think everyone here is like Mi...chael.
Roy: [Points to Pam's painting of the building] [laughs] You gotta sign that.
Pam: [laughs]
Roy: No you gotta put your name in the corner. I've seen that artist do that. Its good too, cause like you can know who paints what, you know.
Ryan: Hey, are you going to Poor Richard's?
Toby: I don't know, you?
Ryan: Maybe.
Kelly: I'm going and so are both of you. We're all going.
Ryan: Hey, isn't there some rule against inter-office dating?
Toby: [whispering] I am not doing your dirty work for you.
Kelly: I hear whispering.
Jim: Ok, so promise that you'll wait till we leave the parking lot before you go to the bar.
Pam: Yes boss.
Karen: See ya Pam.
Kevin: Oscar, Angela? I didn't think you guys would come.
Angela: Why wouldn't we come?
Kevin: Because of reasons...
Kevin: Are there carbs in vodka?
Waiter: Hey folks, what can I get you? Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: Hey
Waiter: Another vodka?
Meredith: Yeah. Jack, these are my co-workers.
Kevin: Sup?
Waiter: [pointing to each correct person] Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin, Creed. How'd I do?
Stanley: Hmm, come here much?
Oscar: These wings are all fat and bone.
Angela: This place is disgusting. [They smile at each other]
Dwight: Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you?
Rachel: I don't know that. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago.
Dwight: How convenient.
Jan: I am attracted to weird, wrong men. I dated a violent karate instructor and then an unemployed fireman. Life has been complicated. I've made some decisions that I'm not proud of; my marriage, being overly litigious with my family. I orgasm fairly easily. Michael was kind of like my dirty secret, you know, having sex with him, oh I was just turned on by my own degradation. Um, why, anyway, I was told by somebody recently that I respect that I'm old enough to have a mature relationship, and that's what this whole evening is about and I have high hopes.
Melissa: [at the door] Hi Ryan.
Ryan: Hey.
Melissa: How are you doing? I've, I've missed you.
Ryan: I've missed you too...
Melissa: Don't you remember me?
Ryan: Um, you ah, you gotta give me a hint. Um, did you meet me at the gym?
Melissa: No.
Kelly: [still at the table] Who the hell is Ryan talking to?
Ryan: [at the door] Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin.
Melissa: No.
Stanley: [at the table] Oh, not again. Melissa!
Melissa: Daddy.
Stanley: Wait for my outside. [To Ryan] She is sixteen years old. What is wrong with you?
Ryan: Okay, okay. Stanley, let me explain to you what happened.
Stanley: No, no, no, no.
Ryan: She came right up to me just like she did when you brought her into work.
Stanley: No, no, no. You planned this whole thing boy. I'll snatch your spine out your back.
Dwight: Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it's not the Discovery. You play soccer?
Michael: What a weird day. I don't understand it, but you don't get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I'll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they're the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan.


Karen: So do you want to see it or not?
Jim: I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds...
Karen: Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic.
Jim: Agoraphobic?
Karen: Yeah.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Jim: Absolutely correct.
Kevin: Later, Jim.
Jim: Kev, have a good weekend.
Karen: Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up.
Jim: Here we go...
Karen: ...and we're gonna go to dinner.
Jim: Ok...
Karen: And then we're gonna go to the movies.
Jim: Sounds good.
Roy: Hey Halpert!
Jim: Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim]
Pam: ROY!
Karen: [shrieks]
Pam: Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy]
Roy: [screams in pain] Ahh God!
Dwight: Pam, please call security!
Dwight: Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray]
Michael: No need for consternation, everything is under control.
Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Jan: [sigh] Is Toby there?
Michael: No...
Toby: I'm... here, Jan.
Jan: Ok, what... what is the situation Toby?
Toby: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.
Jan: Thank God.
Toby: Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his...
Michael: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.
Jan: All right, well are you gonna take care of this?
Michael: Yeppers.
Jan: What did I tell you about 'yeppers?'
Michael: I don't... remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael: Yeesh...
Pam: I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It
Jim: I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.
Jim: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you.
Dwight: Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.
Jim: Okay. Um... Got you something.
Dwight: Don't want it.
Jim: You don't know what it is.
Dwight: Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
Jim: It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.
Dwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
Oscar: Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up.
Kevin: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.
Oscar: It was crazy.
Angela: You saw it? Describe it please.
Oscar: Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.
Angela: Oh...
Oscar: It was insane!
Angela: [flustered] Well... good for Dwight.
Michael: Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Jim: Where'd you get that?
Michael: Wikipedia.
Michael: Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
Michael: Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Jim: Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise.
Michael: Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish]
Jim: I can't hear you.
Michael: What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]
Jim: Still nothin'.
Michael: Ok, see what I did?
Jim: No.
Michael: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.
Jim: Nice.
Michael: Ok, let's try another one. Um...
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
Jim: And what happens in this one?
Michael: It's a surprise.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
Jim: Can I have a raise?
Michael: [gets up and begins to walk out of the room]
Jim: [softly] Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher.
Michael: What?
Jim: What?
Michael: No, what did you say?
Jim: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.
Michael: Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...
Dwight: I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.
Toby: Which is where?
Dwight: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.
Toby: Thanks Dwight.
Kelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
Ryan: I can't imagine what I would have done.
Kelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.
Ryan: Well that was funny, that's why.
Kelly: Oh it was?
Ryan: Mm-hmm.
Kelly: Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night...
Ryan: Okay.
Kelly: ...and you call me, to calm you down...
Ryan: You know what? I didn't-
Toby: Can you stop...
Kelly: ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.
Toby: There's a bunch of people back here, maybe...
Ryan: Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night...
Toby: Guys...
Kelly: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!
Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius.
Michael: [knock on door] Yeah.
Darryl: You ready for me?
Michael: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.
Darryl: Cool.
Michael: You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room.
Darryl: Okay.
Michael: No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room.
Michael: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off.
Michael: Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.
Michael: [long pause] I am declining to speak first.
Darryl: Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now.
Michael: Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now.
Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes?
Michael: What?
Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants.
Michael: No, this is a power suit.
Darryl: That there's a woman's suit.
Michael: [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again.
Darryl: I'ma call Roy, man.
Michael: Ohh... kay.
Darryl: This is gonna make him feel better.
Michael: All right.
Darryl: This is too good.
Michael: Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?
Pam: Oh my God, that's a woman's suit!
Kevin: You're wearing a woman's suit?
Michael: No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin.
Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.
Kevin: Who makes it?
Michael: Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery.
Phyllis: Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?
Michael: Okay.
Phyllis: Did you see...
Michael: Would you stop it, please?
Jim: So, none of that tipped you off?
Michael: It's European, OK? It's a European cut.
Pam: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.
Michael: No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam]
Pam: [Laughing, covering her mouth]
Michael: Italians don't wear pockets.
Pam: It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little.
Karen: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?
Michael: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.
Darryl: Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.
Michael: Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes.
Darryl: Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails.
Michael: Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes.
Kevin: Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?
Karen: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.
Stanley: You must have been scared out of your mind.
Karen: Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared.
Angela: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story.
Karen: Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry.
Angela: Mm-hmm.
Karen: And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.
Angela: [flustered] Goodness.
Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.
Michael: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.
Darryl: Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise.
Michael: [mumbles jibberish]
Darryl: What? I can't hear you.
Michael: [mumbling softly] That was a very good point.
Darryl: I can't- what, Mike? Are you-
Michael: [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument.
Pam: Sorry I almost got you killed.
Jim: Yeah, that was nuts.
Pam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?
Jim: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Pam: Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now.
Jim: We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday.
Pam: Jim... I am really... sorry.
Jim: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.
Michael: I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Darryl: Why can't I just... tell you?
Michael: Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide- slide it, yes.
Darryl: There you go.
Michael: Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious.
Darryl: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want.
Michael: I... I can't give you that, I- I don't make this much.
Darryl: Come on, be for real Mike.
Michael: I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub.
Darryl: [laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this?
Michael: Plus perks, yes.
Darryl: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs]
Michael: Fourteen years.
Darryl: Ho-ho!
Michael: No, please, please...
Darryl: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs]
Michael: Ok, let's take 15, again.
Michael: A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that.
Jim: Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something.
Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Jim: Boy I-
Dwight: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle?
Jim: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating.
Karen: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Jim: Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do?
Karen: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.
Kevin: Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Kevin: Yeah. I heard you might need it. So...
Creed: Here's the $40 you gave me.
Michael: I didn't give you $40.
Creed: In a way you did.
Stanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid.
Darryl: [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up]
Michael: Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.
Darryl: What?
Michael: I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.
Darryl: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss.
Michael: Well what am I supposed to do?
Darryl: Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.
Michael: I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Darryl: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put
Michael: [exhales] That's true.
Darryl: Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
Michael: You know what? I should.
Darryl: Yeah, you should.
Michael: I have been a loyal employee for a long time.
Darryl: Fourteen years long.
Michael: You know what? I deserve a bump.
Darryl: Make it happen, cap'in.
Michael: I am makin' it happen, sergeant.
Creed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter-
Angela: You're useless.
Jan: Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?
Michael: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today.
Jan: Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?
Michael: Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away.
Jan: Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan: Da- Darryl from the warehouse?
Michael: Mm-hm.
Jan: No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby.
Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Jan: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep...
Michael: [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.
Jan: ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it.
Michael: [sighs] Fine.
Kelly: You are so mean.
Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Ryan: No, I said your idea was stupid.
Michael: Toby, come on. Let's go.
Toby: Where?
Michael: Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.
Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Toby: Alright.
Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now?
Darryl: Comfortable, Mike?
Michael: Yeah. Fine.
Darryl: How about you, man. Comfortable?
Toby: No.
Michael: [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker.
Darryl: Thank you.
Michael: Well...
Darryl: I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Michael: Mm, the Big Apple.
Darryl: Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.
Toby: How would we get home?
Darryl: Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place.
Michael: Maybe I'll stay.
Darryl: Mm, it's not that big.
Michael: Well...
Darryl: Busses, though. They get you home quick.
Michael: [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I...
Kelly: And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like 'No!'
Angela: Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings]
Kelly: You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams...
Hunter: Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.
Darryl: Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Michael: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.
Darryl: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me
Michael: All right.
Darryl: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself.
Roy: [to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions 'Don't worry about it'] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something?
Pam: I don't know.
Roy: Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly]
Kevin: [as Roy is walking out] Jim- Roy- Look out!
Jim: Thanks, Kev. I'm good though.
Jan: Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay.
Michael: Who's the boy toy?
Jan: That's my new assistant.
Michael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Jan: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?
Michael: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.
Toby: Hi, Jan.
Jan: Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?
Michael: Pippity poppity.
Jan: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Michael: Six percent? After all we've been through?
Jan: Oh, God.
Michael: I got you... jade earrings.
Jan: Michael-
Michael: No!
Jan: Michael-
Michael: No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball?
Toby: Just preparing for the deposition.
Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
Roy: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong.
Pam: I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices.
Roy: So you gonna start datin' Halpert then?
Pam: Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend.
Roy: Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy.
Pam: No, there were a lot of reasons.
Roy: But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam.
Pam: I know.
Dwight: What's this?
Jim: What's what?
Dwight: Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. 'Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute'
Jim: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor.
Dwight: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Jim: [under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice...
Michael: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!
Jan: Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.
Michael: Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.
Jan: Ok, Toby, how about if you...
Toby: Sure.
Jan: Great.
Jan: What's wrong with you?
Michael: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I-
Jan: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
Michael: Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make-
Jan: No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?
Michael: Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise.
Jan: No. But we can offer you 12.
Michael: But you just said 15.
Michael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan-
Jan: Michael!
Stanley: So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm, near the river.
Stanley: Mm, how many bedrooms?
Phyllis: Four.
Angela: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Dwight: Really?
Angela: Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery.
Dwight: Mm, good stuff.
Angela: Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together.
Dwight: Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees]
Jim: [scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even.
Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you...
Andy: Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD!
Dwight: No need to thank me.
Dwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from
Michael: Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot.