Kelly: Here you go.
Michael: Nice dress, Ryan.
Kelly: It's not a dress. It's a kurta.
Michael: [laughing] OK.
Michael: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween.
Kelly: You look so handsome.
Pam: Really you do. I love the material.
Kelly: I know.
Michael: How come you didn't get me one?
Kelly: I...
Phyllis: Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people.
Pam: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Meredith: Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 'Sex and the City' at my place?
Pam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
Kelly: I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends.
Pam: I just feel kind of tired, you know.
Dwight: Maybe you've got mono.
Pam: Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with.
Kelly: Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right?
Dwight: Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.
Kevin: Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?
Roy: I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going?
Kevin: Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going?
Angela: Don't go. They eat monkey brains.
Michael: Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.
Michael: It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby.
Stanley: I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
Michael: Wha? Really? You should! It's fun.
Michael: I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.
Michael: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on.
Kelly: Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um...
Michael: Kelly?
Kelly: Sparkles...
Michael: Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.
Kelly: Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think.
Angela: How many gods do you have?
Kelly: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.
Angela: [points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What's her story?
Kevin: She looks like Pam from the neck down.
Dwight: Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil...
Michael: All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'.
Jim: Sorry.
Jim: I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape... helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.
Karen: Nice basket.
Jim: Thank you.
Michael: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... '
Dwight: I see dead people.
Michael: Okay. Spoiler... alert.
Dwight: He was dead the whole time.
Michael: Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What's the... oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from?
Tony: Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms.
Karen: Oh. Did you shake it?
Tony: Yeah, I shook it, I shook it.
Andy: We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I.
Jim: Scuse me?
Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane.
Jim: Wow.
Andy: From 'Cheers'.
Jim: Yup.
Michael: And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before?
Creed: I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it.
Kevin: This is the best meeting we've ever had.
Michael: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael: Well, I find it beautiful.
Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it.
Michael: No...
Toby: Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these.
Michael: No, You're not going to collect them.
Toby: Yes.
Michael: No. This is delightful, charming culture.
Michael: My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight.
Josh: All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner.
Karen: Thanks.
Josh: And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time.
Karen: Got it.
Jim: Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation... which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.
Andy: You guys ready to party?
Jim: What's that?
Andy: I said are you ready TO PARTY!
Phyllis: Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?
Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Kevin: Stop it. It's a disease! I've told you.
Carol: [wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party!
Michael: [points at woman] What does that look like to you?
Carol: An Indian woman in a sari.
Michael: No one's even going to notice.
Kevin: Nice outfit.
Michael: Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol.
Michael: I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions...
Angela: I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat?
Server: It's all vegetarian.
Angela: I'll just have some bread. You used your hands.
Michael: Oh, yuck. [spits out food]
Carol: What? Too spicy?
Michael: No. These s'mores are disgusting.
Carol: They're not s'mores. They're samosas.
Michael: Do you think they have any s'mores?
Michael: All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?
Ryan: So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh?
Girls: [laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi]
Ryan: What?
Kelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff.
Kelly: Don't even listen to them. They're so...
Ryan: No, you don't...
Pam: Very official.
Pam: I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?
Dwight: Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!
Kelly: I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at!
Kelly's Mom: Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome.
Kelly: Uh... excuse me. I want to get a...
Kelly's Mom: He's a perfect match.
Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, you ready?
Jim: Yep.
Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot!
Jim: Oh, Holy Mother of God.
Andy: Oh, that burns! Golly. Um...
Jim: Good.
Karen: Ooh.
Overhead: [song by Beyonce Knowles] Looking so crazy, my baby. I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this. I've been playing myself. Baby I don't care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you're making a fool of me.
Michael: Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night?
Kelly's Father: Yes.
Michael: Wow.
Kelly's Father: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Michael: Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet!
Kelly's Mom: She is very fair.
Michael: She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks!
Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot!
Jim: Oh.
Carol: Are you okay?
Michael: I'm going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.
Crowd: Awww!
Carol: Oh, Michael.
Michael: What do you say?
Carol: Can we talk about this in private?
Michael: I didn't hear you. [laughs]
Carol: [louder] Can we talk about this in private?
Michael: [lowers microphone] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay.
Michael: No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic...
Carol: This is the ninth date, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much.
Carol: I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right?
Michael: Yes.
Carol: Okay.
Michael: Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra.
Carol: Okay, good night, Michael.
Michael: All right. Good night.
Ryan: Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive.
Kelly's Mom: So you're saving money...
Ryan: Yes.
Kelly's Mom: ...to start a family and home.
Ryan: Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox.
Kelly's Father: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?
Pam: Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael.
Young Man: Is it? He's really outgoing, huh?
Pam: Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second?
Pam: It's hot in there. How's the naan?
Angela: Dry. You look like you were having fun.
Pam: I am. You should come dance with us.
Angela: I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting?
Pam: No one.
Andy: [sings Indigo Girls] I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children...
Karen: Andy, no acappella.
Andy: [sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain.
Andy and Jim: [sing] There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
Andy: Wait, wait.
Andy and Jim: [sing] the less I seek my source...
Karen: Oh, come on, guys. Please.
Andy and Jim: [sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to..
Karen: It's not good.
Andy and Jim: [sing] fi-i-i-ine!
Andy: TUNA! Are you kidding me!!
Michael: Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow.
Pam: Here. [hands drink]
Michael: That's so spicy.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Oh. You waiting for a call?
Pam: Uh... no.
Michael: Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Pam: Well, you were never really engaged.
Michael: I was in that marriage arena, though.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah. Uuuuh... well.
Pam: I kind of thought something would happen tonight too.
Michael: We're so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her]
Pam: What are you doing?
Michael: What are you doing?
Pam: I'm rejecting your...
Michael: I'm... what? I didn't
Pam: ...kiss.
Michael: [scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home?
Pam: If you sit in the back.
Karen: Goodnight, guys.
Jim: Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike.
Andy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin.
Jim: Okay.
Jim: Oh.
Karen: Hey dummy, get in the car!
Jim: I'm a drunk driver.
Karen: Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car.
Jim: Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli.
Karen: Yeah, you can't.
Jim: No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right.
Karen: Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay?
Jim: So good.
Karen: Good.
Michael: These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'.
Pam: You say one more word; I'm stopping the car.
Michael: Sorry.
Michael: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali!
Crowd: [loud clapping, cheering, and whistling]
Michael: How do I explain this to Jan?
Kelly: Um, well, basically, it's like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there's a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know?
Michael: Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less.
Kelly: Like, an Indian Halloween?
Michael: An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please?
Pam: [on phone] Michael, you're on with Jan.
Michael: Hello, Jan.
Jan: Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today?
Michael: Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party.
Jan: What is Diwali?
Michael: What is Diwali?
Jan: Yes.
Michael: You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween-
Jan: Mich-
Michael: #NAME?
Jan: Oh.
Michael: I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in...
Kelly: Um, customer service.
Michael: ... customer service is a Hindu person.
Jan: Oh.
Michael: And.
Jan: Yes, of course, I know Kelly.
Michael: Yeah.
Jan: I thought she was Muslim.
Kelly: What? I'm not Muslim!
Jan: Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea.
Michael: You do?
Jan: Yes, of course. It's important to celebrate our company's rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event-
Michael: Oh, I dunno about that.
Jan: #NAME?
Michael: For Kelly, that seems a bit much.
Jan: Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric-
Michael: [hangs up]
Kelly: She's so wonderful.
Michael: Yeah, you should see her naked.
Michael: I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, 'Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks,' and she's like 'I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication.' And I'm like, 'Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night.' And she's like, 'What the hell are you talking about?' And I'm like, 'I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof...' [cracks himself up] ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... [calms down] So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party.
Kevin: For Diwali 07, you must consider Scrantonicity. For a fraction of the cost of this DJ, you could have the rocking sound stylings of a Police cover band.
Mrs. Kapoor: No Police cover.
Kevin: No, okay, well, let me send you a demo, and... Better yet, I'll give Kelly the demo, and she can give it to you. It'll save us both on postage.
Mr. Kapoor: [nods]
Kevin: Excellent.
Carol: You're the temp!
Ryan: Um, yeah. [shakes her hand] Ryan.
Carol: Hi, I'm Carol.
Ryan: Hi, nice to meet you.
Carol: The wavy brown hair and blue eyes.
Ryan: Ah.
Carol: Michael talks about you... a lot.
Ryan: Yeah.
Carol: Top of your class at business school, and you live on Shady Hill Road, right?
Ryan: Wow, um... Sorry you had to...
Dwight: Does Michael talk about
Carol: [pause] Yes.
Dwight: He does? What does he say.
Carol: He says... 'I love him.' He loves you.
Andy: At Cornell, in my fraternity, my house name was 'Hubble' because I was so good at finding a party. I was like a powerful space telescope, so... Freshman year, when my skin was still really bad, they called me El Guapo.
Andy: Yeah. Big Tuna, tuna?
Jim: Nope, I got eel.
Andy: [speechless]
Karen: [looking for Jim's sushi] Eel... eel.
Andy: Didn't see that coming.
Michael: And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: Your shirt is buttoned wrong.
Michael: So, any questions?


Karen: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Karen: Who are you faxing so early in the morning?
Jim: Oh, umm... kinda hard to explain.
Jim: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] 'Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.'
Dwight: No![knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand.] You'll thank me later.
Michael: There she is - Jan Levinson. First...
Jan: Michael.
Michael: ...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: [singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Jan: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
Michael: I don't understand.
Jan: The board voted last night to close your branch.
Michael: On whom's authority?
Jan: The board's.
Michael: What?
Jan: I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service.
Michael: You're welcome.
Jan: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages.
Michael: Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Jan: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person.
Michael: Oh... [burrys head in hands] Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.
Jan: Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael.
Michael: Well...
Jan: It's... it's about talent.
Michael: Oh, you gotta be... Josh?
Jan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.
Michael: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?
Michael: It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
Michael: Pictures. Memories. [Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk] Look at that. They grow up so fast.
Dwight: Hey stranger.
Michael: Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please.
Dwight: Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile.
Michael: Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can.
Dwight : When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, 'Something Weird is Going On.' Colon, 'What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute.'
Karen: Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... [clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head]
Jim: Really? Wow... that's bad.
Andy: Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? [Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim] In your face!
Jim: Well, I work here now.
Andy: Mmmm.. suck-ah!
Pam: Are you okay?
Michael: Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life.
Pam: What did Jan want?
Michael: Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so...
Pam: What can't you tell me?
Michael: Nothing, Pam.[whispers to himself] What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.
Pam: What?!
Michael: What?
Pam: You just said that we're gonna be gone...?
Michael: Do I have any messages?
Pam: Michael, what's going on?
Michael: Ok, ok...
Michael: [facing the whole office] Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down.
Toby: Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made.
Michael: You knew about this all along, didn't you?
Toby: Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you.
Michael: Traitor. You are a traitor.
Angela: What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs?
Michael: I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst.
Ryan: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. [holds up cards] A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.
Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.
Kelly: If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Claire Danes one.
Andy: [surrounded by clapping coworkers] Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut!
Jim: I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.
Stanley: I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. [chuckles] I really couldn't be happier.
Pam: It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, 'Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.' So, maybe that'll stop now.
Roy: What does that mean?
Kevin: Well, some of us are fired and a few are going to Connecticut.
Roy: I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, 'You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)'? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words.
Darryl: Hey Mike.
Michael: Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs]
Darryl: Look, I heard about the office. Tough break.
Michael: I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.
Darryl: I wasn't.
Michael: So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...
Darryl: Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good.
Michael: Awesome.
Michael: This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.
Michael: All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. [Looks at Dwight] Let's go.
Dwight: Yes!
Pam: Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight.
Michael: Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.
Dwight: What's the plan?
Michael: Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch.
Dwight: Can I drive?
Michael: No... way.
Dwight: Shotgun!
Michael: No. There's no one else.
Dwight: Still.
Dwight: Thank you very much. [hangs up cell phone] Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.
Michael: Okay, okay. Um...
Dwight: But, do not worry. I have his home address right [presses cell phone button] here.
Michael: Why?
Dwight: Christmas card list.
Michael: You sent him cards? You never met him.
Dwight: But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.
Jim: Hey, do you have a second?
Josh: Sure, what's up?
Jim: I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton?
Josh: I honestly don't. I don't know.
Jim: Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants?
Josh: You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it.
Jim: What does that mean?
Jan: Hi.
Josh: Jan, hey.
Jan: Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics?
Ryan: [to Kelly] I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together, but I'm gonna go someplace else and you're gonna go someplace else. It just doesn't make sense.
Ryan: This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best.
Michael: Okay, this is it. [runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight] This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like 'Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person.' It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else.
Jan: So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two.
Josh: Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely.
Jan: Awesome.
Josh: Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job.
Jan: Wha... excuse... why not?
Josh: As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples.
Jan: Today?
Josh: [nods]
Jan: You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?
Josh: [sighs]
Jan: Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I...
Josh: I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done.
Jan: I'm gonna make some calls.
Jim: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.
Dwight: So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?
Michael: I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.
Dwight: No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice.
Michael: All right.
Dwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work.
M ichael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace?
Dwight: Yes? What is the meaning of this?
Michael : Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?
Dwight: Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents.
Michael: Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings.
Dwight: Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business.
Michael: [no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that.
Dwight: [as himself] Whoa hey, why not?
Michael: Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Don't touch me this time.
Dwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work...
Michael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?
Dwight: [frightened] Uh!
Jan: So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford.
Jim: Wow.
Jan: And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch.
Jim: Thank you.
Jan: Yeah.
Jim: No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um...
Jan: Michael.
Jim: No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think.
Jan: Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay.
Jim: Okay.
Phyllis: Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again.
Kevin: Where are we going?
Phyllis: I thought maybe DJ's.
Kevin: How about Cugino's?
Angela: I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore.
Kevin: How 'bout Cooper's then?
Angela: No seafood.
Kevin: But, I don't want to go to DJ's.
Angela: Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?
Phyllis: Okay, forget it. [walks away]
Kevin: Hooters?
Angela: No.
Dwight: Ah. [takes a gulp of Gatorade and passes the bottle to Michael] Here, replinish your fluids.
Michael: [takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie]
Jan: [in Scranton] Where's Michael?
Pam: He's not here. I don't know where he is.
Jan: [looks around, noticing that no one is working] Wha... what's going on here?
Phyllis: We know the branch is closing; Michael told us.
Jan: Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe.
Angela: Yes!
Kevin: Yes! [hugs Angela]
Phyllis: Stanley! [hugs Stanley]
Pam: Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?
Jan: Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him.
Pam: Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton?
Jan: Back?
Pam: Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?
Jan: Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few.
Dwight: [referring to Michael's ringing phone] who is it?
Michael: The office.
Dwight: Gonna get it?
Michael: No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news.
Pam: I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood.
Ryan: Is Jim coming back.
Pam: That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh.
Ryan: I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk.
Pam: Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right?
Ryan: Oh, yeah, totally.
Kelly: Ahhhhh! [hugs Ryan] I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! [kisses him] This is the best day of my whole l ife!
Karen: What you gonna do?
Jim: I really don't know. How you doing with all this?
Karen: You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job.
Jim: You'd actually move to Scranton?
Karen: Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would.
Jim: New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York?
Karen: Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that.
Josh: Hey Andy!
Andy: [after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen] What's up, Josh?
Josh: I just want to say thanks. Good luck.
Andy: Thanks, man. You, too. Totally.
Michael: Anything?
Dwight: Nothing. [puts down binoculars]
Michael: What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under?
Dwight: Then it was an honor to have worked with you.
Michael: [pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go.
Dwight: My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher.
Michael: That was hilarious. The foam ...
Dwight: Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me.
Michael: Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good.
Dwight: What were your favorite moments?
Michael: Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one.
Dwight: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael: God, Dwight!
Dwight: Well, it doesn't...
Kevin: Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots.
Pam: No thanks, guys.
Kevin: All right.
Pam: Have fun though.
Kevin: Cool.
Phyllis: Hey, I hear Jim's coming back.
Pam: Really? Where did you hear that?
Phyllis: I was...
Kevin: [interupting] Hey Ryan, you coming?
Ryan: Uh yeah, we'll meet you there.
Kevin: Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis.
Phyllis: [to Pam] I'll tell you later.
Pam: Okay.
Roy: Crazy day, huh?
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here.
Pam: Yeah, me too.
Pam: Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk, I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay.
Jim: Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it.
Karen: Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.
Jim: Okay.
Karen: Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but, I'm kind of into him. So...there you go.
Michael: What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car.
Dwight: [picks up his beeping cell phone]
Michael: Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!
Dwight: [on the phone] Oh my God!
Michael: What?!
Dwight:: Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed.
Michael: We did it? We did it.
Dwight: We did it!
Michael and Dwight: We did it! We did it!
Michael: Right here! Right here! [pounds his chest against Dwight's]
Michael and Dwight: Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu!
Michael: Yeah, baby!
Dwight: In your face!
Michael: We did it!
Dwight: Oh, man.
Michael: How did we do it?
Dwight: I don't ... have no idea.
Michael: I don't understand.
Toby: Well for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But, Costa Rica will still be there. When I'm 65.


Jim: The Stamford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.
Andy: [to office worker] That's the other thing you got to watch out... [to Jim] Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.
Jim: Yeah.
Andy: So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines?
Jim: You know what? I think you just need to meet him.
Andy: Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.
Jim: Sounds good Andy.
Karen: This is going to be an adventure.
Jim: Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later?
Karen: Right on. [to Andy] Hey is that Josh's computer?
Andy: What?
Pam: Hey!
Toby: Hey.
Pam: How'd the run go?
Toby: Ah, pretty good. I finished.
Pam: That's great!
Dwight: Psh, why is that great?
Pam: Because he accomplished something.
Dwight: What was your mile time?
Toby: About seven.
Dwight: [scoffs] I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby: Well, that has wheels.
Dwight: Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time.
Pam: Really, Dwight? How fast are you?
Dwight: Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.
Pam: Really?
Dwight: I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.
Dwight: Man, what is taking Toby so long?
Pam: Oh, I'll just time him later.
Dwight: And you'll compare the times?
Pam: Yeah. Are you ready?
Dwight: No, my groin...
Pam: Set
Dwight: ...is really tight.
Pam: Go!
Dwight: I can't... [starts running]
Pam: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [yells to Dwight] Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby.
Dwight: Aaaaah!
Pam: I should probably get back to work.
Michael: Here... Who's here?
Dwight: Nametag?
Michael: Yes, please.
Dwight: Karen Filippelli.
Michael: Karen Filip... [In Italian voice] Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.
Dwight: Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. [exhales]
Michael: Who's next?
Dwight: That's Andy Bernard.
Michael: Andy Bernard.
Dwight: If I were you...
Michael: Saint Bernard.
Dwight: ...I would fire Anthony Gardner...
Michael: What?
Dwight: ...before noon...
Michael: I'm not...
Dwight: ...to consolidate power.
Michael: I'm not firing somebody on the first day.
Dwight: No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner.
Dwight: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Pam: Good morning!
Michael: Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league.
Pam: Okay.
Pam: Yes! I'm in a good mood today! I'm excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That's always a thing that makes people happy... to have an old friend back.
Hannah: Hello?
Michael: Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Dwight: Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Michael: Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here.
Michael: You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as I'm concerned, [holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] this says 'World's Best Dad'.
Michael: Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name?
Tony: Gardner.
Michael: Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. [laughs] Okay.
Tony: Thanks.
Kevin: Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.
Michael: Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later.
Hannah: My bag's mostly pencils.
Michael: Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. [to Tony] All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy.
Kevin: Can I have your pencils?
Hannah: No.
Pam: Hi!
Karen: Hi.
Pam: I'm Pam.
Karen: Karen. I love your sweater.
Pam: Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me.
Karen: Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn...
Michael: Welcome.
Karen: ...to knit.
Michael: Welcome, welcome, welcome! [in robot voice] Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader.
Karen: Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?
Michael: Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?
Andy: I'll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.
Andy: Hello.
Michael: Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
Andy: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello.
Michael: A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Andy: Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike.
Michael: Oh.
Andy: Nifty!
Michael: They are nifty! They're nifty gifties.
Michael: You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.
Martin: ...which is why they need a passing game.
Jim: Right.
Michael: [to Jim] No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: [to Martin] How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you.
Martin: Oh! Thanks.
Michael: Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. [shakes head] Not... so, your desk is...
Jim: Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.
Pam: Oh my god! It's really you!
Jim: Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met...
Pam: I know. I don't care.
Jim: Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.
Pam: It's really good to see you.
Jim: You, too.
Jim: Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. Um... .that is where we stand.
Dwight: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight: Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Jim: Okay. Sounds good.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Jim: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight: I have a smudge on my forehead?
Jim: No. Looks good.
Dwight: Why are you looking at my forehead?
Jim: I'm not.
Dwight: Meet my eye line, Jim!
Jim: I am.
Dwight: Stop acting like an idiot!
Jim: Okay.
Ryan: Hey, buddy. Welcome back.
Jim: Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you.
Ryan: I'm good! How are you? So...
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now?
Ryan: Yeah.
Jim: Oh.
Ryan: Um... unless you really, really want it back.
Jim: You know, man, it's really you're call.
Ryan: Cool, thank you.
Jim: [whispers] Let me get that for you.
Ryan: Yuh.
Jim: This one taken? No. Good.
Ryan: Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk.
Toby: Hey, this came with the Stamford book. [Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential] Can you take care of it?
Kevin: Oh, yes I can.
Kevin: In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need.
Andy: Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike.
Michael: Right.
Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me, then.
Andy: Umm, on the contrary.
Dwight: My title has 'Manager' in it.
Andy: And I'm a director.
Dwight: Oh.
Andy: Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
Andy: Congratulations.
Jim: Hey, Toby!
Toby: Hey, Jim!
Jim: How are you, man?
Toby: Oh, really good.
Jim: I just wanted to say hi.
Toby: How are you? Hey. Welcome back. [puts out fist to bump]
Jim: Oh. Is that like your new thing?
Toby: No, I'm sorry, it's...
Jim: No. It's cool.
Toby: No, it's nothing. We'll just... [shakes hand]
Jim: All right. Good to be back.
Toby: So... okay.
Jim: All right.
Toby: All right... sorry... sorry about that.
Jim: No problem.
Toby: It was just...
Jim: [off camera] ...what?
Toby: Nothing.
Kevin: This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh! [whispers] Shoot.
Michael: [talking to himself] I present the orientation video.
Dwight: We need to talk!
Michael: Not now.
Dwight: Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?
Michael: I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.
Dwight: Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?
Michael: It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one.
Dwight: Ok. Who reports to who?
Michael: I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?
Dwight: And then if I want...
Michael: Work it out amongst your selves!
Dwight: I...
Michael: Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?
Dwight: I...
Michael: Will you?
Dwight: One...
Michael: Please?
Kelly: Jim!
Jim: Kelly!
Kelly: Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!
Jim: Really?
Kelly: Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Jim: Great. What's new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.
Michael: Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please [makes drum roll noises], the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!
Michael: Yoko shack.
Male voice: ...thank you James. [laughs]
Meredith: Hey, champagne.
Michael: Nope, no. Guests only.
Kelly: Looks like salmon.
Michael: Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo.
Kelly: I eat beef.
Michael: Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy.
Kevin: The beef is poisoned?
Michael: No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. [talks to group] Welcome. Help yourself.
Toby: Um... You might want these orientation materials.
Michael: Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.[talks to group] Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please.
Jim: Oh, this looks promising.
Pam: You won't be disappointed.
Michael: Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch 'Lazy Scranton'.
Video: [Lazy Scranton Video]
Michael: Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'.
Dwight: Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty.
Michael: So check out how we live
Michael & Dwight: in the Electric City!
Michael: They call it Scranton.
Dwight: What?
Michael: The Electric City. Scranton.
Dwight: What?
Michael: The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider.
Dwight: But check that it's covered by your health care provider!
Jim: It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. 'The Scranton Witch Project'.
Michael: [in video] I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food.
Video: [Lazy Scranton video continues]
Michael: You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot,
Dwight: But the little cars go in the compact spot
Michael and Dwight: Spot, spot, spot, spot ...
Michael: [on video in background] Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?
Michael: Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'.
Karen: [recording phone message] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Jim: Terrible. Totally unconvincing.
Karen: [recording] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Jim: Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian.
Karen: [recording] [in bad Italian accent] Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza.
Jim: You feel good?
Karen: Mm-hm.
Jim: All right.
Karen: [recording phone message] Karen Filippelli.
Andy: Hey, buddy. Anything new to report?
Dwight: Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that's how it works.
Andy: Sure thing, buddy.
Andy: Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin' on the charm.
Andy: Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver.
Angela: Oh.
Andy: Do you like it?
Angela: I do like it, actually.
Andy: Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way.
Angela: Thank you.
Andy: You're welcome.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey!
Pam: What happened to grape soda?
Jim: Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase.
Pam: Oh. You've changed so much.
Jim: Well, I'm evolving, Pam.
Pam: So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work?
Jim: Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled.
Pam: Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I...
Jim: Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm...
Michael: All right.
Jim: Don't...
Michael: Okay.
Jim: All right. [to Pam] I should probably get back to work. Get back to work.
Pam: Yeah. I know, me too.
Jim: All right!
Pam: The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic but it's fine. It's great! A lot of distractions. But, it's good.
Hannah: [using breast pump] Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Ryan: I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting.
Creed: Ditto that, my brother.
Hannah: Look what's on his computer.
Michael: What is that? A squid's eye or...
Hannah: It's my left breast.
Michael: How did you...
Creed: Right place at the right time.
Karen: Uh, what's that smell?
Phyllis: What smell?
Karen: Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home.
Phyllis: Oh, I'll help you find it.
Karen: Oh, you know. Never... .never mind.
Phyllis: What is it?
Karen: I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume.
Phyllis: My perfume?
Karen: It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells.
Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.
Karen: Who's Bob Vance?
Phyllis: You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.
Stanley: I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word.
Michael: People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.
Michael: I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just.
Dwight: Do you have batteries?
Michael: Ssshh stupid! Um...
Andy: [sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?']
Michael: That's it!
Andy: [sings] What is love?
Michael: Yes, yes! Okay!
Andy: Baby, don't hurt me.
Michael: Okay, here we go.
Andy & Michael: Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me!
Michael: Oh!
Andy: Baby, don't hurt me!
Michael: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Andy: Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Michael: Scuse me! Scuse me!
Andy & Michael: Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh...
Michael: You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!
Andy: Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
Michael: You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy!
Andy: Oh, probably because of all the nose candy.
Michael: [laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor.
Dwight: Very funny, Michael!
Michael: Okay! Okay!
Dwight: Really funny, Michael!
Michael: All right, all right, I'm on a roll.
Michael: Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Karen: Shouldn't we be equals?
Michael: Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would.
Tony: Uh... this is difficult, for me.
Michael: I understand. We're all friends.
Tony: No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table.
Michael: Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.
Tony: [starts to climb table]
Michael: You know what? I'll help. I will...
Tony: No, please. No.
Michael: Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this!
Dwight: Do this. Come on. Ready?
Michael: Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up.
Dwight: On three. One... two... three.
Michael: Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here.
Tony: All right. All right. Stop. Put me down.
Michael: We've almost got it. Push it! Push it!
Tony: Let me go!
Michael: I'm right in your crack!
Tony: Put me down right...
Michael: Up and over.
Tony: Put me down!
Michael: Up and over.
Tony: Put me down right now!
Michael: You've got it.
Tony: I'VE HAD ENOUGH!
Michael: You've got it, you've got it.
Tony: PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!
Michael: Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.
Dwight: Hey, hey. Easy.
Michael: Easy.
Tony: I'm sorry!
Michael: Don't...
Tony: It's just not going to work for me.
Michael: What...
Tony: I have to go.
Michael: I don't understand.
Tony: I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit.
Michael: Well, we'll squeeze you in.
Tony: I can't work here. I have to quit.
Michael: You can't quit! On the first day. That's [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what?
Tony: No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style.
Michael: My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny?
Tony: No. Was it supposed to be funny?
Michael: Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired.
Tony: Excuse me?
Michael: You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!
Tony: But there's nothing in my desk except coupons.
Michael: Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you.
Dwight: That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him.
Michael: Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.
Dwight: And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? [whispers] Fire Andy. Fire. Andy.
Andy: Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle.
Hannah: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
Angela: Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Michael: Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide.
Stanley: Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together.
Michael: No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.
Michael: The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.
Michael: Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires.
Dwight: What!
Michael: Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on!
Karen: Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
Jim: Does he ever.
Michael: Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators.
Dwight: YEAH!
Michael: Yeah.
Toby: I don't... I don't think we can do that.
Michael: Go home, Toby. Just...
Martin: Hey! Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?
Michael: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. [reads note] 'You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!'
Hannah: For crying out loud.
Michael: No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh...
Martin: [to Stanley] What's up with this guy?
Stanley: Got an hour? I'll try to explain.
Michael: THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!
Stanley: Trust me. It only gets worse.
Martin: Is he always like this?
Ryan: Sometimes he brings more costumes.
Hannah: When do people work?
Phyllis: Oh, we find little times during the day.
Karen: How are we going to get home?
Phyllis: Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up.
Karen: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.
Michael: See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. [answers phone] Jell-o!
Jan: Michael!
Michael: Hi, Jan!
Jan: Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?
Michael: I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.
Jan: Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?
Michael: Yes.
Jan: You do?
Michael: But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.
Jan: What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two.
Michael: What?
Jan: He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.
Michael: Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos.
Michael: So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two.
Dwight: If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise.
Jim: Yeah, it does, actually.
Dwight: So who will be your new Number Three?
Michael: Uh... that I have not decided yet.
Andy: Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.
Michael: Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks.
Dwight: And I have to say your leadership...
Michael: Shut it...
Dwight: has brought...
Michael: Shut it! That's... [whispers to camera] suck up!
Jim: [talking on cellphone] Hey! Where you at, Filippelli?
Karen: [off camera] I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
Jim: [laughs] What's wrong? You didn't have a good first day?
Karen: Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.
Jim: Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... . [sees Pam in rearview mirror] Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back?
Karen: Yeah.
Jim: Ok, thanks.
Karen: Ok.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey!
Jim: I thought you had already... left.
Pam: Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do.
Jim: Oh... Good.
Pam: What's up?
Jim: Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something.
Pam: What do you mean?
Jim: I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh...
Pam: Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want.
Jim: O..ok. Um..good.
Pam: We're friends. We'll always be friends.
Jim: Right.
Pam: It's good to have you back.
Jim: Yeah. Good to be back.
Meredith: Where'd you get that salad?
Kevin: Staples.
Andy: Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon?
Dwight: Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please.
Andy: Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight: Xterra's not even a real word.
Andy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for 'earth.'
Dwight: Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?
Andy: Yeah.
Dwight: That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth.
Andy: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Dwight: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87.
Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came.
Dwight: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die.
Andy: Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.
Dwight: Idiot!
Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a TransAm.
Dwight: If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy: [coughs word] Idiot!
Dwight: [coughs sentence] You're the idiot!
Andy: [coughs sentence] Nice comeback!
Dwight: [coughs sentence] I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked. [talks normally to camera] Totally got the best of that interchange.
Michael: And this is, don't tell me, Martin... Ne... Ne...Nack.
Dwight: Nash.
Michael: Martin Nash. Okay.
Dwight: Male, age 37...
Michael: Good.
Dwight: Mocha complexion. Supplier relations. Either caught a fish or was standing next to a man who caught a fish in Key West, Florida.
Michael: What are you talking about?
Dwight: [holds up piece of paper] It wasn't clear on the Google Image search.
Michael: All right, just...
Jim: Hey, Kev. How you doing?
Kevin: Hey, man. Good. Listen, my M&M's are under the desk if you want any.
Jim: Okay.
Kevin: Hidden from [whisper] them.
Jim: Smart. Good. [to Angela] Hey, Angela.
Angela: You need a hair cut.
Jim: Bye, Angela. All right, Kev.
Kevin: See you later, Jim.
Jim: See you later.
Kevin: [to Angela] It's his first day back.
Angela: His hair's flipping out on the sides.
Kevin: [smiles] I like it.
Angela: Oh, my Lord.
Pam: This is weird with you facing the other way.
Jim: Yeah, I never even knew that part of the office existed. [Pam chuckles] Hey, who's that guy? [Jim points to Stanley]
Pam: That's Stanley Hudson.
Jim: Huh.
Pam: He's one of our salesmen.
Jim: Seems like a nice enough guy.
Pam: Oh very.
Jim: What about, uh.. [points at Meredith]
Pam: Hmm, that is... Janet Fenstermaker.
Jim: Really?
Pam: [Pam nods head] You should say hi. Use her full name.
Jim: Thank you for all of this. This is so helpful. You know what? One last question. Um, who is that fine older gentleman in the corner? [points to Creed]
Pam: Uh, that is Creed Bratton. He has four toes and he fought in the Civil war.
Jim: For the North.
Pam: For both sides. Whoever paid more.
Jim: Obviously.
Pam: Yeah.
Ryan: Hey, uh sorry. Seriously, can you guys... I'm trying to get some work done.
Jim: Sorry. Man. [Pam hesitates and then leaves]
Ryan: Thanks.
Karen: Hey, nice thermos.
Meredith: [notices Karen has same thermos as herself] Hey. That's funny.
Karen: Yeah.
Meredith: [holds out flask] Do you want a little?
Karen: Uh no, I'm fine, thank you.
Meredith: Okay. If you change your mind, you just let me know, okay?
Karen: Yeah, I'm okay, thanks.
Meredith: That's cool.
Andy: [approaching Kevin to shake hand] Hi, Andy Bernard.
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Andy: Nice to meet you.
Kevin: What's that on your shirt? [points to Andy's shirt]
Andy: That is a penguin. You like it?
Kevin: The Penguin.
Andy: Andy, or Andrew.
Kevin: Okay, Penguin. [laughs]
Michael: Smiles.
Andy: Yeah.
Michael: Good, what's funny?
Kevin: Michael, have you met the Penguin?
Michael: Oh, nicknames, yay! Penguin power.
Andy: Ha, that's why I wore this shirt.
Michael: Good.
Michael: Hey, girls. What's happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle.
Martin: [sniffs. Pans to Creed eating his mungbeans.]
Hannah: [pushing back desk item] Here you go.
Meredith: That was in your way?
Hannah: Um
Meredith: Sorry.
Hannah: Yeah, I mean my stuff's coming over, but umm... is this...is this yours? [holds up travel mug]
Meredith: [takes mug] Yes.
Andy: Hey Kevin.
Kevin: Yeah.
Andy: Have you lost weight?
Kevin: Well... I... Hey. You've never met me before.
Andy: I know, but you just give off the vide of a guy who's getting thinner.
Kevin: Well, thanks. I appreciate that.
Andy: You're welcome.
Kevin: You know who I really like? That guy, Andy.
Michael: Can't we all get along? No, we can't. But here's the thing: yes, we can. Well, why not? Because of differeneces. Well, can we overcome these differences? No. Can we find each other and connect with each other in spite of these differences? No, we can't. But, we have to try and that is why I created the Integration Celebration.
Michael: I need somebody to pick a card. [Dwight raises hand] One of the new people, please? Tony? [Tony walks away]
Andy: [gets up] I'll do it.
Michael: All right. Good. Thank you. [Andy picks a card] Do not look at your card. Now, I've always said that to be a great salesman is to have the ability to connect with people right here [puts hand over heart]. So to be a great salesman is to be a king of hearts. Turn over your card.
Andy: [turns over card] King of hearts.
Dwight: [starts clapping] Very good Michael. Really good. [Michael shushes Dwight]
Michael: So I think in order for us all to work together well we must come together as a family and then we can all be [starts to fan out the rest of his cards facing the group showing kings of hearts] a king of hearts.
Andy: [claps] That was fantastic.
Dwight: [clapping] No, no, it's better than fantastic. It's super perfect.
Michael: Dwight, don't, don't be a suck up.
Michael: What I want all of you [points at Scranton branch] to do is approach one of the new people and tell them the one thing that you like most about them. Who wants to start? Who wants to give it a shot?
Meredith: [raises hand] I want to.
Michael: Okay Meredith, let's give it a shot.
Meredith: [to Martin] I love your complexion. It's like devil's food cake.
Martin: Thank you.
Michael: [clapping] Beautiful. Very good, nice.
Dwight: It just goes to show you, you play with fire and you are gonna singe your eyebrows. And they do not grow back the same way. [takes of glasses and points to right eyebrow]
Andy: It is inspiring to me to watch you navigate these murky waters.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Bull... [bleep] [clears throat] Sorry.
Michael: We heard it.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: We heard what you said. You didn't cover it at all.
Dwight: I had a tickle in my throat.
Michael: [points at camera] They're gonna have... You can't say that, all right?
Dwight: I can't say [clearinng throat noise]?
Michael: [clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight's an idiot! Did you catch that or did... did the cough cover it?
Dwight: Sometimes it hurts Michael.
Michael: [cleaing throat] You're a jerk. Dwight's a jerk!


Pam: Ohhhh! She's absolutely adorable!
Hannah: He.
Pam: ...Oh, sorry. He's-he's dressed all in pink.
Hannah: That's his favorite color.
Pam: ...Oh. That's... fun for him.
Stanley: Fantastic.
Michael: Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute.
Hannah: Thank youuu.
Michael: Ohh. May I?
Hannah: Uh, sure!
Michael: [climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from 'Look Who's Talking.' What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.
Karen: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Karen: ...Almost done?
Jim: Just about... yup. Now.
Jim: Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I dunno. Just, not yet.
Michael: Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know.
Angela: Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting.
Jan: [over phone] Mmhmm.
Angela: Look, we have a rebate from... the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means.
Jan: We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.
Michael: I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. [Jan sighs] ... I'm just kidding.
Jan: When did the check come?
Angela: Last week.
Jan: Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move.
Angela: One of the Stamford people is a criminal?
Michael: Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby.
Angela: Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal?
Jan: Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line.
Pam: [whispering] Who is it?
Michael: Hannah?
Kevin: Hmm.
Angela: Hmm.
Kevin: Andy.
Angela: Andy?
Kevin: Hmm. Martin?
Michael: Kuhhhh... you are such a racist.
Kevin: Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael: Because you think he's black.
Kevin: He is black... right? And...
Michael: Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.
Jan: ...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash.
Kevin: Yeah!
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.
Kevin: I wonder what he did.
Michael: In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened.
Pam: Why would anyone go to jail for that?
Michael: Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people.
Kevin: Cool.
Pam: Okay. Angela?
Angela: Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.
Michael: Good. All right. [everyone leaves]
Jim: [picks up phone] Jim Halpert.
Andy: [over phone] I am so horny.
Jim: ...Okay I can't... help you... with that.
Andy: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy: Oh, and I care why?
Jim: She's... high-maintenance.
Andy: Next. How about... [motions toward Angela]. Blondes are more fun. C'mon, trust me on that.
Jim: Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one.
Andy: Okay fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it?
Jim: ...Absolutely you should.
Andy: Jackpot.
Michael: Just... try to be cool.
Dwight: I am cool.
Michael: Okay, are you cool, really?
Dwight: I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm so cool. Tell me what is going on.
Michael: Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!
Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.
Andy: All... righty, let's get started. What is she into?
Jim: I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates...
Jim: Frisbee-based competitions...
Andy: Are you kidding?
Jim: She...
Andy: I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.
Jim: Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. [Andy hums Six Flag ad] Got it. Also... do you speak pig latin?
Michael: Hey Martin, how's it going?
Martin: Good. Getting settled, you know?
Michael: Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust.
Pam: My dad.
Michael: ...Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Yeah.
Jim: Jonas Salk.
Michael: Who?
Jim: Justin Timberlake?
Michael: Oh. Please. Colin Powell.
Karen: Hey I got one.
Michael: Yup.
Karen: Jesus.
Michael: Apollo Creed.
Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
Martin: So... you all wanna know what I was in for?
Michael: No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them.
Martin: Um, I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I... got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink.
Michael: [laughs] That is awesome.
Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.
Pam: What was prison like?
Martin: Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time.
Kevin: You got outdoors time?
Martin: Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games...
Kevin: Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?
Pam: Yeah, some days I never go outside.
Michael: Well, we are running a business, so.
Meredith: What was your cell like?
Martin: Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes.
Pam: They have art classes?
Martin: Yeap. Yeah.
Ryan: They have business classes there?
Martin: They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys-a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business.
Pam: Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin.
Michael: Ah. Well. That's not true.
Kevin: I would so rather be in prison.
Ryan: Prison sounds great.
Michael: No you would not.
Michael: This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison.
Creed: [singsong voice] Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this?
Karen: You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow.
Creed: Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo?
Andy: Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?
Pam: Wow... I-
Andy: Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.
Pam: Wow. That was... wow.
Michael: Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!
Pam: Michael, it's freezing out.
Phyllis: I can't feel my toes.
Michael: Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?
Jim: What is that, like... five pounds?
Michael: It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.
Stanley: I'm going back inside.
Michael: Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time.
Michael: Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?
Martin: Yeah, in the rec room.
Michael: Ah. A ten inch black and white?
Martin: Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.
Michael: These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.
Jim: Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam.
Andy: Yeah.
Jim: Quick question - do you play the guitar?
Andy: I play the banjo.
Jim: Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Andy: [singing] You know I can, my man.
Jim: Yup. That's perfect.
Karen: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Andy: I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car.
Jim: Perfect.
Karen: What is going on?
Jim: ...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.
Karen: I love it. I want in. Who's the target?
Jim: ...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but...
Karen: Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment.
Jim: Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else.
Michael: All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say 'Boo' because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!
Ryan: Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises]
Jim: Where... did you learn all of this?
Michael: Internet.
Jim: So, not prison.
Michael: And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim: What'd you do, Prison Mike?
Michael: I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.
Jim: That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael: And I nevah got caught, neither.
Jim: Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm.
Pam: Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?
Michael: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.
Andy: Wow. Prison sounds horrible.
Michael: Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.
Dwight: Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison?
Angela: Don't encourage him, Dwight.
Michael: The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!
Karen: Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael: No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?
Pam: Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.
Martin: Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison.
Michael: Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room]
Jim: Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out.
Michael: No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.
Kevin: [knocking on door] Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have-
Hannah: Shh!
Toby: [answering phone] This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?
Toby: Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room?
Michael: They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Toby: Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will.
Michael: Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.
Toby: You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny.
Michael: [unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!
Michael: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.
Andy: [singing] So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee...