Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I'm having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual.
Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat]
Angela: Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question?
Oscar: [whispering] Of course, ask me a que- ��questions.
Angela: Is it cool in here to you?
Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes.
Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again.
Oscar: It's the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs.
Angela: Thank you.
Oscar: No, thank you, Angela.
Oscar: She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.
Dwight: Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.
Pam: These are my painting clothes.I think I'm gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds]
Meredith: Sure you don't want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one.
Jim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?
Pam: Are you avoiding your phone call?
Jim: What? Yeah, right. As if.
Jim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there.
Pam: Last week Jim wasn't there, and they named the company Athlead.
Jim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.
Pam: Tell them your opening line.
Jim: [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?
Pam: I think it's good. He likes fishing.
Jim: This is gonna be awful.
Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information's already on the computer, so...why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to 'chillax,' and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. ��Fight the power.
Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.
Angela: [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh!
Dwight: Come on in, the water's fine.
Angela: Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.
Dwight: I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks]
Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.
Dwight: Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband?
Angela: My marriage is in danger. I don't know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.
Dwight: [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?
Angela: Something like that.
Dwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.
Angela: Can you arrange a meeting?
Dwight: I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight: Text went through.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight: All we can do is sit and wait.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem.
Jim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.
David: [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there's a crisis - the more I think about it -
Jim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I'm gone.
David: They did?
Jim: Yep.
David: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes- Maybe this can work.
Jim: Oh, great.
Stanley: Why should we help you?
Jim: Because we're friends.
Stanley: When is my birthday?
Jim: Unfair. When's my birthday?
Stanley: I don't know, because we're not friends.
Jim: How about this- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?
Stanley: Now we're talkin'.
Jim: All right.
Phyllis: Yeah.
Kevin: Make it go taller.
Pete: That's the idea.
Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands]
Pete: Well, I've gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher.
Kevin: You're not getting this, Peter. ��Make it go wider... up!
Pete: Will do.
Darryl: [entering] What are y'all doing?
Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower.
Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right?
Kevin: Obviously. He's a sweet kid, Darryl. But he's not the sharpest guy in the drawer.
Pete: Kevin, I can hear you.
Kevin: Huh?
Angela: Ow! Dwight! Ow!
Dwight: Get in the van.
Angela: God!
Trevor: Is it safe to talk?
Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good.
Angela: So what are your credentials?
Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I'm damn good at it.
Angela: Do you have a gun?
Dwight: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her.
Trevor: You tell me.
Angela: What is this?
Trevor: It's the receipt for my gun.
Angela: You don't carry it with you?
Trevor: Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.
Dwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him?
Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe.
Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe?
Trevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt]
Dwight: Wow!
Pam: [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It's just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I'm gonna limit myself to one shrub.
Hide: You paint wall now?
Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that...
Hide: You paint now.
Pam: It's probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Hide: I wait.
Meredith: Sweet.
Erin: Yay!
Darryl: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote 'sausage factory.'
Meredith: Oh OOOH!
Everyone: [approving cheers]
Meredith: Boom!
Darryl: Bang.
Kevin: Yep, yep, yep.
Pete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.
Creed: Let's find out what I did.
Pete: All right.
Dwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
Trevor: And that's all off the books?
Angela: Obviously.
Trevor: Nice. No taxes.
Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.
Trevor: So what's the job?
Angela: Murder.
Trevor: Okay, that's the big one. That's the big 'M.'
Dwight: You can't have someone murdered.
Angela: What if they deserved it?
Dwight: What did they do to you, Angela?
Angela: They're sleeping with my husband.
Dwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.
Trevor: This seems a little crazy.
Dwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
Trevor: But I think I'm up for it.
Dwight: No! No!
Angela: Thank you.
Dwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch-
Trevor: That's very effective. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating.
Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.
Trevor: What about a knee-capping?
Dwight: No! You're not helping, Trevor!
Angela: Yes, a knee-capping could work.
Dwight: No. Angela! What are you saying?
Angela: You said you would be there for me.
Dwight: I'm trying, but what you're asking is-
Angela: It's the only thing that will make this right.
Dwight: Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn.
Trevor: All right, then it's settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back.
Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone.
Stanley: We've got all afternoon to talk about that.
Waiter: Morning, folks.
Stanley: I'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.
Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob-
Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order.
Phyllis: How much wine do you have?
Oscar: I brought you a cookie.
Angela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You're such an angel.
Oscar: [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we're good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah- Well, I gotta go now, but- Okay, bye. Bye.
Pete: There we go.
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie: Oooohh... you salty dog.
Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player's gotta play.
Pete: There you go.
Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I'm gonna let them think the other thing.
Kevin: Okay, I got this one.
Nellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful
Kevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath.
Everyone: [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin!
Nellie: What did I just say? What did I just say?
Pete: Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. Just a mistake. That's what this tower's all about - ��mistakes. Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. Show of hands - who here has never had a complaint? That's right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let's get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?
Kevin: Yeah.
Pete: There we go. All right, let's do it.
Jim: You know, at the end of the day, it's really only two days. I mean, I'll be back in the office. ��If you need me for an emergency, call me. ��I'll be there...
Phyllis: You know what? I don't know where the years went. '��Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them.
Jim: Tell me about it.
Phyllis: Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I don't know.
Jim: All right. You know what? ��Maybe we'll just... We'll go slow.
Phyllis: No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate]
Pete: All right. Check it out.
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!
Kevin: Nice. ��Pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling.
Erin: Whoo!
Pete: Can you hand me a card?
Erin: Um,. it's empty.
Pete: What?
Nellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card.
Everyone: No!!
Meredith: That's cheating.
Pam: I could get us a complaint.
Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly.
Pam: No, I wouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I'd like to try.
Nellie: Hmm. Yeah. ��All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam...
Everyone: [chanting] 'Pam!'
Angela: What? Why did you call me out here?
Dwight: The target- it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other.
Angela: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.
Angela: Fine! It's Oscar. So what?
Dwight: Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker- Dare I say, a friend?
Angela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.
Dwight: I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.
Angela: Well, you might be right. But it's too late now.
Dwight: What do you mean?
Angela: He's here.
Dwight: No! No, no! [groans]
Dwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.
Oscar: What?
Dwight: Come - come with me.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Dwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary.
Meredith: Yahtzee.
Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.
Kevin: I am Oscar Martinez.
Angela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside.
Kevin: Wha- wh-
Angela: You know, there's doughnuts in the break room.
Kevin: Nice! Yeah.
Jim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over.
Stanley: Don't be pushy Jim. It's tacky.
Jim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that's- that's decorative.
Phyllis: No, there's wine in here.
Jim: Still decorative.
Stanley: Is it white wine?
Jim: No.
Phyllis: [to customer] Can you help me?
Jim: Don't- don't- don't pole people with knives.
Phyllis: [groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha!
Jim: Phyllis! ��Wow.
Stanley: Ooh, bring it over.
Phyllis: Got it.
Dwight: There's no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.
Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you?
Dwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child?
Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight: Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. ��Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us.
Dwight: Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us.
Trevor: Let's get it on. I'm gonna do this. I might- I might puke, but I'm gonna do this.
Dwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He's a Dunder-Mifflin man. He's my tribe.
Trevor: I'm sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I'm gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues- Stop! No!
Oscar: I got it.
Dwight: Disarm!
Trevor: You don't- [all three grunting]
Dwight: Don't move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others]
Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Dwight: No! No, Oscar. He's a friend. He's a friend.
Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They're family-owned, but don't let that take away from your edge!
Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.
Creed: Remember, you're a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this.
Pam: [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, 'Hey, kool-aid.' Yeah, your mama's fat. This is Pam Halpert.
Pete: Did she buy it?
Pam: Basically I couldn't tell, but I think...
Nellie: Were they angry?
Pam: I- I thought they were confused at least...
Nellie: Okay.
Erin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!
Everyone: [cheering]
Kevin: Nice. Nice.
Creed: You did good. You did good.
Pete: See ya later, Heymont.
Dwight: No.
Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend.
Oscar: What the hell, Dwight?
Dwight: See ya later, Trevor.
Oscar: you are incorrigible!
Dwight: I just saved your life. You're welcome!
Oscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!
Angela: You deserved every bit of it! ��You made my husband gay.
Oscar: What- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him!
Angela: No. No.
Oscar: Angela, until you face that, you're gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead - I won't stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me.
Angela: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you.
Oscar: Angela, it's a lead freaking pipe.
Angela: God! [kicks Oscar]
Oscar: Aah!
Angela: You were supposed to be my friend.
Oscar: I'm so sorry. Angela-
Dwight: Oscar.
Pete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert...
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: For insulting a client's recently deceased mother.
Nellie: Yes!
Pam: I did not know that.
Pete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life.
Pam: I'm so sorry.
Meredith: Wow.
Pete: yeah. That's- that is terrible.
Everyone: [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower]
Kevin: You did it.
Erin: Yeah!
Angela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.
Dwight: You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid.
Angela: [crying] Jazz is stupid! ��I mean, just play the right notes!
Dwight: I know. You're gonna be okay, Monkey.
Angela: I don't like your friend Trevor.
Dwight: I don't like him either. ��And yet I really like him.
Jim: Well, we're here. Perfect. ��[covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket]
Phyllis: We're gonna cover for you, ya know.
Stanley: [chuckles]
Jim: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or-
Stanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.
Phyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.
Jim: This is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all-
Stanley: Shuckin' your peas.
Jim: Shuckin' the peas. ��You should go back to the first part, though. You are ��gonna ��cover for me?
Stanley: Yeah.
Phyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.
Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you.
Pam: If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea ��that you can't please everybody all the time.
Hide: You paint very bad-
Pam: Shut up, Hide! ��I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I'm okay with that.
Dwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Toby: That is- that is a loaded question.
Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Toby: He said that?
Angela: Well, he didn't fight me hard on it.
Toby: I- I don't know if there's truth to- to, uh, to that.
Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Toby: Oh... uh...
Angela: Is it called red-vining?
Dwight: Is it called red-vining?
Toby: I don't...
Dwight: We heard it was called red-vining.
Angela: People red vine.
Dwight: Where are gay mens' vaginas?
Toby: They don't have vaginas.
Dwight: What?
Toby: No. They're just regular men.
Dwight: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?
Toby: Uh... wow...


Jim: [Sighs] I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes.
Pam: I'm sure it's fine. it's a blue shirt.
Jim: Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness?
Jim: I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So I figure I'd get in at 5:00, check into a hotel at about 6:00 so I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking.
Dwight: Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever.
Jim: So you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word 'Philadelphia'?
Dwight: Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning 'Love,' and adelph, meaning 'Adolf.' 'the city that loves Adolf.' Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle.
Erin: Oh...Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas everyone!
Angela: No.
Nellie: Is It?
Erin: I mean, it says 'X-Mas party,' but I think we all know what that's code for.
Kevin: So we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us?
Angela: Oh, right, like I'm responsible 'cause I'm in charge of the party planning committee.
Kevin: Well, you are the one in charge of it.
Angela: Don't blame me for something we all forgot.
Oscar: Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot.
Oscar: I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points.
Phyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
Meredith: [Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Nellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-Cupcakes?
Kevin: Mini-Cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
Dwight: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim: Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Kevin: No.
Angela: No!
Jim: Done, right?
Angela: No.
Stanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith: Topless Christmas.
Creed: Tapas swiss miss.
Creed: Spanish tapas, and swiss miss hot cocoa-What's so hard to understand?
Dwight: Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.
Phyllis: We already said no.
Angela: No, no, no.
Nellie: Too weird.
Dwight: [Holds up a picture] This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.
Jim: I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzerhosen, and meet this glenpickle guy?
Angela: [Blows a weak whistle] Party planning cimmittee, emgergency meeting. Now.
Pam: I'm on it.
Jim: Right.
Pete: I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses.
Erin: Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think-I think you mean John McCain.
Pete: Die hard reference.
Erin: I haven't seen it.
Pete: You haven't seen die hard?
Erin: Mm-Mmm.
Pete: Why haven't you seen die hard?
Erin: I don't know, I just haven't.
Kevin: Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it.
Erin: No.
Kevin: now, i have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho.'
Pete: Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs.'
Erin: None of this makes any sense to me!
Kevin: Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, 'Yippie-Ki-Yay, mother-'
Pete: Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier when he's on the radio with Hans.
Kevin: Yes, you are right. Forgive me.
Pete: Oh, that's okay, bud.
Kevin: Nope. [Kevin walks out the door into the kitchen]
Pete: Common mistake.
Kevin: No, it's not.
Erin: [Points and Pete] Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie?
Pete: My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and loved doing it.
Erin: Okay, let's hear it.
Pete: Hear what?
Erin: Die hard. Every line. Go.
Pete: You don't like flying, do you?'
Erin: Don't change the subject.
Pete: No, that's the-
Erin: Movie is starting.
Jim: [In Kitchen] We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work.
Stanley: I love Philly. Dirty town.
Darryl: [Comes up behind Jim and puts his hands on Jim's shoulders] Ah-Ha-Ha! Philly! Exciting stuff, man.
Jim: Whoo!
Darryl: So you sure you remembered everything for your trip?
Jim: Yeah, I think so.
Darryl: Think that through for a sec.
Darryl: Yeah, Jim's going to philly tomorrow. He said he was gonna take me with him, but that was two months ago. And I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right?
Darryl: What else could you possibly be forgetting?
Jim: Uh-
Darryl: Things? People?
Toby: You know who's not gonna get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, a.k.a. the alleged Scranton strangler, because he's in prison [Jim and Daryl walk out of the kitchen] for something he may not have done.
Nellie: I'm sorry, the-Uh, the Scranton who?
Toby: The Scranton strangler. George Howard Skub. Haven't I told you about the jury I was on a couple years ago?
Nellie: [Gasps] Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I mean, I understand.
Toby: I-I could-I could talk about it.
Stanley: [Pats Nellie on the shoulder as he's walking by her] See you next Christmas.
Toby: I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back.
Pam: We're the party planning committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is gonna be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And if it's great...I think we all know what that would mean to us.
Phyllis: Let's do it!
Pam: Yes! Phyllis!
Angela: No. I don't want my name attached to this party.
Pam: What does that even mean? Where would your name appear?
Angela: Please just take my name off of everything.
Oscar: Just take her name off of everything.
Pam: [Clears her throat] The party planning committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas.
Dwight: Yes! Yeah! [High Fives Jim] Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! [High Fives Pam] Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!
Pam: Dwight, there is one rule that you need to take very seriously.
Dwight: Uh-huh.
Pam: And that is...
Dwight: Uh, Oh.
Pam: That there are no rules.
Dwight: You have never been cooler.
Jim: Best Christmas ever.
Pam: You're welcome.
Jim: Thank you.
Dwight: [Plays a trumpet] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
Meredith: Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?
Dwight: That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.
Pam: What is it? [Jim lifts the hog maw with a fork] Don't touch it.
Dwight: [Comes running up at startles Pam] Somebody's found the hog maw.
Pam: Oh!
Dwight: What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.
Stanley: Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat.
Dwight: It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.
Jim: Can't wait.
Meredith: Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?
Dwight: This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Oscar: How would anyone even know-
Dwight: Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook?
Jim: I don't know. Is it what you expected?
Pam: I feel like [Pam look's out the window and camera pans out in The Office]-Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem.
Jim: So happy right now.
Dwight: [Speaking German] Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. [Blows out the candle] Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.
Kevin: I wish my car had a bathroom.
Pete: Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that-'
Erin: [On a computer, checking the script] Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete.
Pete: That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes.
Erin: I don't know. This looks pretty legit. [Erin's cell phone chimes] Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land.
Erin: [Reading the email from Andy] 'What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see hobbit. Lates.'
Pete: Hey. Everything okay?
Erin: So what comes next?
Pete: Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, [Pete stands up] 'After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate-'
Erin: We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense.
Pete: Or we can just sit and talk, though.
Erin: No. No more talking. It's movie time.
Pete: I mean, are you sure...Um, yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car.
Erin: Oh, great. Great! So we're watching die hard, now. Good! This is a good plan.
Pete: Okay.
Toby: [To Nellie in the kitchen] Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight.
Kevin: [With his mouth full] I love this hog mama.
Phyllis: Dwight said it's 'Hog maw.'
Kevin: [Chokes and spits it out] What is maw?!
Phyllis: It's the lining of the stomach of-
Dwight: [Cackling] Ohh...[In a German Accent] Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I!
Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh.
Dwight: I am nigh!
Dwight: Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel.
Dwight: Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! [Runs over to Stanley and points at his stomach with a stick] Ohh...Too much strudel.
Jim: So he's kind of like santa, except dirty and worse.
Dwight: No, much better-No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel.
Jim: Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.
Pam: And the fear.
Dwight: Yes, exactly!
Phyllis: Come on, Dwight, you're making this up.
Dwight: No.
Oscar: [Reading from his phone] This is a real thing. 'Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of st. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany.'
Angela: Huh.
Pam: Wow.
Dwight: Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia?
Oscar: [Continues reading] 'His partner, zwarte piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface.'
Stanley: Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No.
Dwight: Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys. [Texts warehouse worker, Nate, to forget showing up as zwarte piet]
Pete: Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy?
Erin: Mm. [Chuckles]
Darryl: [Talks drunk angry] Jim, that guy. [Scoffs] You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy...what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? [Sighs] It's awful.
Dwight: Take a bowl and pass it down.
Phyllis: Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.
Dwight: No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.
Jim: Oh, it's like naughty or nice.
Dwight: No, impish or admirable.
Jim: Quick question-Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?
Dwight: I decided earlier.
Jim: Oh, nice. Did you check that list?
Dwight: Of course I checked it.
Jim: But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake.
Dwight: I checked it more than once.
Jim: Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's-
Dwight: Impish or admirable.
Jim: Damn.
Dwight: Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. [Jim claps] There you are.
Phyllis: [Takes here gift out of her bowl] Oh. What are these?
Dwight: It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
Phyllis: I'd rather have the bowl.
Dwight: You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year [looks over at Angela, then back to Oscar]...as impish! [Smacks Oscar with a stick]
Oscar: Ow! You hit people with that thing?
Dwight: No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder [puts a mouse trap in Pam's bowl]
Jim: Ooh.
Pam: [Holds the mouse trap up] Mouse trap.
Dwight: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.
Jim: Oh, you know what? I gotta go.
Dwight: Stop giggling.
Pam: Oh, really? Already?
Jim: Yeah, it's all right.
Dwight: It's a punishment. [Turns to Jim] Hey, where are you going?
Jim: I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay.
Dwight: But you work tomorrow.
Jim: Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep.
Dwight: But we were gonna break the pig rib.
Jim: Ooh.
Dwight: Remember?
Jim: That's right.
Dwight: No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this-off with you!
Jim: Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody.
Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?
Jim: You know what? Yeah. Have at it.
Dwight: Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! [Jim holds his hands like a bowl] I judge your year as impish. [Hits Jim with stick]
Jim: Ooh! Are you nuts?
Dwight: [Hits Jim three more times] I judge you impish!
Jim: Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard.
Dwight: They're not abandoning the party. [Hit's Jim again]
Jim: Just-Just-Hey!
Jim: [As he's walking out] That's enough, I'm done! Okay? Agh!
Dwight: [Hits Jim some more] Impish! [Chases Jim out]
Jim: Aah! Ow!
Meredith: Belsnickel, I gotta run out early too. [Leans up against the wall as Dwight comes back in]
Jim: [In the parking lot, holding his side, walking to the taxi, Pam follows] Oh...what was that? Now I'm gonna be all whipped for my first day at work. God. [To taxi driver] One second. Oh...
Pam: Well...this is it.
Jim: I'm probably never gonna see you again.
Pam: Shut up. I'm trying to be serious.
Jim: Okay, sorry, sorry.
Pam: I can't believe this is actually happening.
Jim: Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together. That was the perfect last Christmas party. All right, wish me luck.
Pam: Okay. [Jim and Pam hug] Good luck. You're gonna be great.
Jim: I'll call you when I get in.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Love you.
Jim: Love you.
Pam: What's going on?
Dwight: Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. [To camera] And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight! [Takes off hat and beard]
Phyllis: We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in it's a wonderful life when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all thos people at the building and loan were just jerks, and he was the real hero.
Angela: Kevin. Kevin! Aaah. Stop it!
Nellie: Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there.
Toby: Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But then I did a little research of my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting.
Darryl: Meredith's a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, a Emma Stone thing.
Darryl: [At Meredtith] Boo!
Pam: For what it's worth, I liked your party better.
Dwight: Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.
Pam: I don't think anyone thought that.
Dwight: Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.
Pam: Well, that didn't have anything to do with you.
Dwight: I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.
Pam: Zero.
Dwight: Damn It!
Darryl: I'm gonna tell Jim to go [Bleep] himself.
Erin: Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?
Pete: Yeah. Definitely. [Erin starts to cry] Hey, what's-Oh, no, come here. [Starts to put his arm around Erin] Hey, hey. Come on, huh?
Erin: [Sliding away from Pete] I'm still Andy's girlfriend.
Pete: Oh, yeah, of course. I know.
Erin: But you can leave your arm.
Pam: Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog?
Dwight: No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.
Jim: [Walks back into The Office] Yep, I did say that.
Pam: Jim!
Jim: What's going on? Where's the belsnickel?
Pam: Oh-Oh my god!
Jim: What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building.
Dwight: [Holds his finger to Jim's lips] Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash! [High fives Jim]
Pam: What happened? Did you miss your bus?
Jim: No. I just missed my wife.[Gives Pam a hug and a kiss]
Dwight: [Comes back in, holding up the pig rib] I found it!
Jim: And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 a.m.
Dwight: Oh! [Pig rib breaks and Jim wins, and stuff splatters people. Everyone groans] Damn It! Jim got the bigger half.
Darryl: [To himself] Back for more, huh? [Gets up and walks towards Jim]
Jim: Ooh, nog it. Let me get some nog. [Everyone talking Phyllis pours Jim some eggnog, as Daryl walks in] Thanks, Phyllis. Where's Andy?
Darryl: You!
Jim: Oh, hey, man. [Daryl walks over to Jim, angrily and stares at Jim] Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview.
Darryl: [Looking at Jim confused] That's great.
Jim: Right?
Darryl: Thanks, man.
Jim: Hey, of course.
Darryl: I shall come by at your convenience.
Jim: Thank you, sir. [Tips his glass to Daryl]
Darryl: [Claps his hands once, spins around] Whoo!
Jim: Go get 'em.
Darryl: [Falls backwards onto the food table] Oh! Whoa!
Dwight: Very impish.
Toby: Two dimes, seven nickels-Well, okay, no, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and-
Nellie: Shh. [Puts her finger to Toby's lips]
Toby: What? I was just explaining-
Nellie: Shh.
Toby: Why wouldn't it-
Nellie: [Put her finger to his lips again] Shh.
Toby: But why?
Nellie: No...more...talking.
Toby: Are you gonna kiss me?
Nellie: Yes. [Kisses Toby]


Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.
Jim: I think they're going to the conference finals.
Kevin: No.
Jim: Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip]
Jim: I bit my lip at lunch today.
Darryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough.
Kevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim in pain from his lip]
Jim: Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.
Kevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.
Jim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table]
Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!
Erin: Good morning, Meredith.
Pam: What?
Erin: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes.
Pam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.
Jim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.
Jim: [talking on phone] You sound tired. Everything ok?
Pam: Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?
Jim: Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right?
Worker: Jim, limo's here.
Jim: Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting.
Pam: Oh, call me later!
Jim: Ok
Pam: Good luck!
Jim: Thanks!
Pam: Love you.
Jim: Love you too. Bye.
Val: How you doing?
Darryl: Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so...
Val: It's how it has to be.
Darryl: I know, I know. It's just hard.
Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, 'What are you gonna do, breakup with me?' Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.
Darryl: I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.
Val: Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back]
Pam: Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today.
Meredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
Pam: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please?
Meredith: Yes.
Pam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.
Meredith: Hurry up already.
Erin: [checking Meredith's head] Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.
Erin: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice!
Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight: Just lice Pam?
Dwight: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.
Dwight: Make way, nope, inspect me.
Erin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.
Dwight: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant]
Pam: Stop that!
Angela: Dwight!
Erin: Next!
Angela: [getting her head checked] Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.
Pam: Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.
Oscar: Pam, really? Come on.
Meredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.
Erin: Lice. More lice. [Angela shrieks in disgust] Angela has lice.
Angela: Ew! Oh.
Erin: [checking Stanley's head] Ooh yabber, lice!
Erin: [checking Pam's head] Yikers, lice.
Pam: No! How? I'm so clean!
Erin: [checking Oscar's head] Oh yeah, big time lice.
Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.
Phyllis: What are you wearing?
Dwight: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?
Nellie: No.
Kevin: No.
Dwight: Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.
Darryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.
Phyllis: You got dumped?
Darryl: Yeah, she ended things.
Nellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.
Kevin: Here man. [Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate] You need that more than me.
Darryl: Thanks, man.
Kevin: Yeah [kisses Darryl on the cheek]
Pam: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her.
Angela: Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame.
Stanley: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.
Erin: No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back]
Stanley: Get off me!
Erin: I'm trying to save you from yourself!
Stanley: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls.
Pam: Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me.
Jim: Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary?
Limo Driver: Yeah, take some home if you want.
Jim: Oh no, no, no. That's ok. [Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo] Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center?
Limo Driver: No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court.
Jim: You gotta be kidding me.
Pam: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something.
Meredith: [shaving her own head] Yes, Pam what do you want?
Pam: Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!?
Meredith: Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.
Pam: Oh stop! I am so sorry!
Meredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?
Pam: Nothing.
Pam: I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this.
Dwight: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!
Erin: No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats...
Dwight: To be burned!
Erin: To be washed.
Angela: What do we do about our heads?
Dwight: I'm not gonna lie. Lye!
Erin: No, all we need is mayonnaise.
Angela: Excuse me?
Pam: She's right, it works. I would imagine.
Erin: Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.
Oscar: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce.
Meredith: [walks in conference room] Shaboom! How do you like me now!?
Angela: Oh.
Oscar: Wow.
Meredith: Take a picture. It will last longer.
Angela: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.
Creed: Bald people make me sick.
Meredith: Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.
Erin: Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.
Pam: Oh! Uh, uh I'll go.
Angela: Okay. Oh, thank you.
Oscar: You're a saint, Pam.
Pam: No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans?
Meredith: Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Pam: Okay.
Dwight: Let's talk pubes, people.
Val: Hey, Darryl.
Darryl: Oh, hey Val.
Nellie: Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other.
Darryl: Yeah.
Phyllis: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?
Darryl: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head.
Nellie: Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this.
Kevin: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake.
Phyllis: Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake.
Nellie: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.
Kevin: An Escalade.
Nellie: Or what's her name.
Phyllis: Val.
Nellie: Let's get Darryl Val.
Julius Irving: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk.
Jim: Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this.
Julius: Well, do you think you can sink one from deep?
Jim: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.
Julius: Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow, Halpert's got game.
Jim: Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this?
Julius: It's your wife? You better take it.
Jim: Right! [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything ok?
Pam: Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went.
Jim: It's still happening right now actually, so uh...
Pam: He's really making you work for it, huh?
Jim: Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay?
Pam: Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go.
Jim: Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that.
Julius: No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think?
Jim: I love it.
Erin: [handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away.
Dwight: Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors]
Stanley: Put those away before you hurt yourself.
Dwight: [swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!
Erin: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.
Angela: Oscar, do you want to be my partner?
Oscar: Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to..
Creed: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay?
Erin: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete?
Pete: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man.
Pam: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?
Creed: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.
Oscar: [Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head] Angela.
Angela: You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up?
Meredith: [putting mayo on Stanley's head] You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.
Pam: [putting mayo on Creed's head] Creed, I'm all done. My turn.
Creed: I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy.
Pam: Well, wait.
Pete: [putting mayo on Erin's head] How's that?
Erin: I feel it working. [Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo] Eiffel tower!
Val: Can I help you?
Phyllis: Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl.
Val: Yeah, that's true.
Phyllis: We think you made a big, big mistake.
Kevin: Big mistake.
Nellie: Quite enormous.
Phyllis: He's a real catch and you should take him back.
Val: Ok, thank you. Is that all?
Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?
Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?
Kevin: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?
Val: No.
Kevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.
Val: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.
Pam: [phone rings] Hello?
Helene: [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice.
Pam: What, no. That can't...I don't...
Helene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...[Pam hangs up phone]
Angela: Oh my God.
Meredith: Shave her head. Shave her head!
Pam: [everyone yelling at Pam]You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that...
Meredith: Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall.
Dwight: [talking through the loud speaker] She's right Pam.
Pam: Is there a volume knob on that thing?
Dwight: Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.
Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry.
Angela: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster.
Pam: I meant to say something earlier. I just...
Meredith: Just? Just what? Just forgot?
Meredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.
Dwight: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office]
Erin: Dwight, are you okay!?
Dwight: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses]
Erin: Wow. He got to purple.
Oscar: [Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head] Ow!
Angela: Sorry.
Oscar: You're waterboarding me!
Angela: Oops.
Kevin: [shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay.
Erin: You're up.
Pete: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go.
Erin: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.
Pete: Okay.
Erin: Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold?
Pete: No, it actually feels kinda nice.
Kevin: I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises]
Val: Okay.
Darryl: Huh?
Val: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work.
Darryl: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do.
Val: You're not. I believe in us.
Darryl: But... [Val kisses Darryl]
Darryl: I'm back together with Val. Yay...
Dwight: I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off]
Pete: Hey, did Erin already take off?
Oscar: I guess so.
Pete: Okay.
Julius: You're Kareem, coming to help.
Jim: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud.
Julius: And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing]
Jim: And that's all?
Julius: That's it.
Jim: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done.
Julius: Yeah, you show me how.
Jim: [Jim's phone goes to voicemail] This is Jim Halpert, leave a message.
Pam: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you.
Meredith: Hey, what you doing right now?
Pam: I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day.
Meredith: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer.
Pam: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.
Meredith: No duh. Let's go. You're buying.
Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry about today.
Meredith: Forget about it.
Pam: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it.
Meredith: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
Pam: Get it, girl!
Pam: [Pam and Meredith singing karaoke] This one's for all you ladies out there.
Meredith: [starts singing] I come...
Pam: Not yet.
Both: [singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun.


New Instant Message: Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! 'David Wallace
Dwight: Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business [chuckles]. Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family ' brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew.
Dwight: [on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of 'Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire'.
Jim: Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.
Dwight: Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky.
Jim: Okay. There's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Dwight: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.
Phyllis: I have ears, Dwight.
Dwight: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?
Jim: Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
Dwight: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Jim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Dwight: Mmm. That's a good' question. 300 times' [Jim hangs up] 180' Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.
Nellie: Darryl, looking good!
Darryl: Heading to Philly. Interview with Jim's company.
Pam: Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him?
Darryl: Why don't you come along and tell him yourself?
Pam: Ha ha. That'd be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get' What do you get? Oh my god! Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, I'm expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that?
Erin: Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details.
Pam: A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything's in order.
Erin: What? Everything? What, how do I make sure it's in order? I [laughs] haven't been trained for this.
Pam: [giggles] Okay, see you later.
Clark: Hey guys.
Phyllis: Clark!
Meredith: Hey!
Oscar: Hey, look who's back, Dwight Junior.
Kevin: Hey, so how was it? I mean' the sex with Jan.
Clark: A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
Clark: Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was' like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uh' like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.
Meredith: Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, 'Talk classy, act nasty'.
Clark: What's with the wig Meredith?
Meredith: What, is it on backwards? [partially removes wig, revealing her bald head]
Clark: Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It's an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so' bon appetite.
Phyllis: Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now that's Italian.
Oscar: My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time.
Meredith: Always with the friends Oscar. Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
Oscar: Actually, it's pronounced 'espresso'' Wait. That's what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So'
Dwight: There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but'
Clark: If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.
Dwight: Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh' No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?
Clark: [sarcastically chuckling] I loved it.
Dwight: How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?
Clark: If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.
Dwight: Then looks like we have a deal' Son [holds up a suit identical to his]
Erin: Hi guys!
Pete: Hey, look who it is!
Erin: Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose.
Oscar: Try this one. [handing Erin a cup of espresso]
Erin: Thank you! [leaves the room]
Erin: I don't really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone's trust. About the pens.
Pam: You ready for your interview?
Darryl: I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview.
Pam: Well, you shouldn't be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim.
Darryl: Yeah, I guess'
Pam: Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair. [Darryl laughs]
Suit Store Father: [chuckling] It's kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.
Dwight: You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy? [to Clark]
Clark: No, we sure hadn't Pop. [both chuckling]
Dwight: [Takes picture from desk] Oh! You're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? [grabs Clark's shoulder]
Clark: He calls me Clarky 'cause he's my Dad.
Dwight: Guilty!
Suit Store Father: You don't meet many hunters these days.
Clark: My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he's like a serial killer' of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise]
Dwight: It was his birthday, just turned three. So'
Suit Store Father: Ahh'
Oscar: You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy?
Nellie: No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder?
Kevin: Taste test? I'm in!
Oscar: YOLO! [singing and dancing]
Phyllis: What? [everyone is confused]
Oscar: It's a thing. It means 'you only live once'.
Kevin: Yeah, we're aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it.
Oscar: Well'
Kevin: Alright everybody, who's in? [everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle] Angela? [Angela shakes her head] Don't make us come over there.
Angela: No, I don't' no.
Kevin: Alright, let's go. [starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela]
Angela: Can't I just agree without putting my hand in?
Nellie: Absolutely not!
Kevin: No way.
Angela: Oh, fine. [puts a napkin on top of everyone else's hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin]
Kevin: Ok guys, 'we all drink them all'.
Everyone: [Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley] We all drink them all!
Kevin: Yes!
Oscar: Yes!
Nellie: Whoo!
Phyllis: Hey, where's my ring?
Creed: I'm sure it'll turn up.
Athlead Employee: [in the background] Yes ma'am, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. You'll see us on the right side, you can't miss us.
Dennis: 'And I want to reach every demographic possible.
Jim: No, I hear what you're saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright?
Dennis: We're talking weeks here, not months, right?
Jim: Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago.
Dennis: Alright. Good.
Jim: Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. [To Pam] Hey! How are you?
Pam: Good!
Jim: What are you doing here?
Pam: I just wanted to see you!
Jim: That's so great!
Darryl: Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out!
Jim: It's pretty great, right? I mean, we're coming along' [to coworker] Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis's timeline
Wade: Okay
Jim: [back to Pam] Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home.
Dwight: 'But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy, does whatever I say.
Suit Store Father: [sighs] I can't relate to that, my son hates my guts.
Dwight: Oh' really.
Suit Store Father: Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that?
Dwight: [fumbling] Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son.
Clark: [enters] Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but' God I missed you!
Dwight: What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?
Clark: [confused] I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool.
Dwight: You're being disrespectful!
Clark: 'And I love you, for saying that.
Dwight: [whispers to Clark] We don't get along.
Clark: [catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is' our relationship is' terr-
Dwight: Terrible!
Clark: Terrible.
Dwight: Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!
Pam: Wow, this place is' so great. I had no idea ' on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky.
Jim: Well, I mean, I don't even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so' These things go down all the time.
Darryl: If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it.
Jim: [to Pam] Are you cool to just hang out?
Pam: Sure, no problem.
Jim: Yeah? [to Darryl] You ready?
Darryl: Yeah.
Jim: Let's do it!
Erin: The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, 'Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand' they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it's insane! I'm sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. I've never had an espresso before. They're good though.
Nellie: A-bam! [slams espresso cup on table] My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I've tried so far is Alpine Select!
Kevin: Yes! [giggles and picks up Angela]
Angela: Ugh!
Kevin: One! [as he picks Angela up in the air]
Angela: Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!
Kevin: Two' [picks Angela up again]
Angela: Stop it!
Kevin: Three'
Oscar: That's enough Kevin.
Angela: Stop it Kevin!
Kevin: Four!
Oscar: That's enough!
Angela: Kevin!
Clark: So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.
Suit Store Father: I heard that before'
Clark: Well, I understand, but '
Dwight: I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.
Clark: Here we go again, another lecture from the old man.
Suit Store Father: Listen to him. He created you.
Dwight: Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. No wonder women despise you.
Clark: Women don't despise me'
Dwight: His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn't see it, or didn't wanna see it.
Clark: Alright, that's enough, 'cause I can say some things about him too.
Dwight: Yeah? Like what?
Clark: Like the time that you got drunk and, and then' Killed those kids on their way to prom!
Dwight: That never happened. He's always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught 'saving treats' from the kitty litter box.
Suit Store Father: Really shameful'
Clark: So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-
Dwight: Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
Clark: There's obviously a volume discount uh, if you-
Dwight: Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going 'please kitty, may I have some more?' You can't make this stuff up!
Clark: No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends.
Suit Store Son: Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting.
Suit Store Father: Here he is, my son.
Dwight: [scoffs] Got cat turd collector written all over him.
Suit Store Son: 'Did you say cat turd collector?
Athlead Employee: ...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we're just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, that's not a mandate.
Darryl: 'Mandate'- Always think of two men on a date. [awkward moment] I have gay friends' I have one gay friend. [to Jim] Oscar?
Jim: Mm-hm
Athlead Employee: Alright, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here?
Darryl: [freezes] Ummm' [a moment later] Alright. Obviously y'all look really busy, and uh, I don't want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhh' Obviously I'm not qualified to be here man, I'm' I'm a warehouse manager, you know'
Athlead Employee: Darryl, I was a newspaper editor.
Female Athlead Employee: Science teacher, volleyball coach.
3rd Athlead Employee: I work at a home shopping network.
4th Athlead Employee: I'm a laywer. I'm the only one here who can honestly help. [group chuckles]
Jim: And as you know, I was a paper salesman. [whispers to Darryl] Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. [group overhears and chuckles]
Darryl: Cool. Hey, thanks'
Athlead Employee: So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company?
Darryl: Yes, as a matter of fact, I uh' [pulls booklets from his bag] I wrote some down. There you go. [passes out booklets] Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! [group laughs]
Stanley: Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here!
Stanley: I usually take a siesta about now.
Pete: [to Erin] Stocking pens, huh? You're like the new office administrator.
Erin: No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear.
Kevin: Pam! Pam, look out! Erin's gunning for your job!
Erin: No, I'm not! [Kevin imitates gunfire] It's not like that at all! Forget it, I'm so sorry.
Kevin: Pam, look out!
Erin: Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day you've had.
Athlead Employee: By the way, Jim talks about you all the time.
Pam: That's sweet that he talks about me.
Athlead Employee: It's too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though'
Pam: Well, that's funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia.
Athlead Employee: We can't wait until you move here.
Suit Store Son: I'm sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper?
Dwight: Do you mind? The men are talking.
Suit Store Father: Sons used to idolize their fathers.
Dwight: Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?
Suit Store Father: I'd love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I'm just here for human contract.
Suit Store Son: Okay Pop'
Dwight: Wait, so you're the boss?
Suit Store Son: That's right.
Clark: Hi, I'm Clark.
Suit Store Son: Hey.
Clark: Let's talk.
Suit Store Son: Okay.
Clark: So if you look at our catalog here'
Athlead Employee: Well, thanks for coming down Darryl.
Female Athlead Employee: It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think you'd fit in great here.
Darryl: Yeah, yeah me too. I think it'd be like' You know what? [grabs basketball] I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot' Perfecto! [shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish] Oh my god'
Pam: They're the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece.
Darryl: So I'm like a three year old girl in this scenario'
Pam: Say they don't hire you. It's not like you're out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you.
Darryl: And I'd only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, I'm' I'm not so sure I'd like living in Philadelphia.
Pam: Right? Thank you! It's just Philly. Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London.
Darryl: Who needs it?
Pam: Not us.
Jim: [enters] Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. They're going to make you pay for the fish, and' they wanted to know when you can start.
Darryl: What? [Jim shrugs] How about yesterday?
Pam: Congratulations.
Darryl: Oh, thank you.
Pam: I guess you gotta move to Philly after all.
Darryl: Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die!
Pam: No, I'm not upset. I'm really excited for Darryl' Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him.
Kevin: It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here.
Oscar: It's insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too!
Angela: [banging on window] I don't get the point of this stupid window!
Clark: I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad's suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That's why his face always breaks out.
Suit Store Son: Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? [Clark chuckles]
Clark: You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I'm going to need one right? If I'm ever going to get a 'real job' and move my 'lazy ass' out of your 'G.D. house'.
Suit Store Son: He's got you there'
Suit Store Son: [to Clark in dressing room] That's Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful' Although expensive.
Dwight: Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island.
Clark: Well, that's better than looking like the undertaker from boring island.
Dwight: That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much?
Clark: [emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit] How do I look?
Dwight: Actually' You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I'll take one too.
Oscar: Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to?
Nellie: Whoo!
Meredith: Frickin' A!
Oscar: Huh?
Kevin: So long, noise!
Oscar: One, two, three! [all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath]
Nellie: And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble!
Oscar: Wait! [looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet] It's beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.
Meredith: Tear up the carpet!
Nellie: Whoo!
Darryl: Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That's how you do that, baby. It's all good, I'm ready. Y'all ready for this? [sings intro to 'Everybody dance now', points to Pam to sing first line]
Pam: [reluctantly] Everybody dance now' [Darryl continues singing]
Oscar: Kevin, move. I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.
Kevin: Well I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.
Angela: Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin?
Nellie: Oh, enough with the whining already! Why don't you just have some more coffee?
Stanley: It's all gone. I didn't get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.
Creed: I saw the leaves twitch!
Angela: Shut up!
Creed: You shut up!
Oscar: Everybody shut up and work!
Phyllis: We don't work for you!
Kevin: Yeah!
Angela: Yeah!
Stanley: Hey, it's five o'clock. [everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot]
Oscar: [with horns honking] Kevin, can-
Angela: What's going on?
Dwight: Yes! We did it! [leaving the suit store]
Clark: You opened the door-
Dwight: And you closed it. The boys are back in town. [high fives Clark] High fives! Ha ha!
Clark: Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?
Dwight: You got me! [tickles Clark and chuckles] I used to collect them!
Clark: Why?
Dwight: Each one is very different, like a snowflake.
Pam: [shocked after seeing the torn up carpet] Hey' What happened here?
Erin: You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened.
Pam: 'Are the pens here?


Dwight: Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. 'Scranton Mimeograph Corp?' I don't think we're doing business with them any time soon. That's odd. ��A letter from Robert Dunder. 'A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.' The Holy Grail.
Pam: [on phone]: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?
Jim: I think I'm a little too busy these days to s- [whispering] Oh ,my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.
Jim: The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then.
Kevin: I don't get it.
Dwight: Aha! A lightbulb.
Kevin: A lightbul-
Dwight: A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. [holding note over lamp] Invisible ink.
Kevin: Whoa.
Dwight: 'Higher than numbers go.' The ceiling above accounting!
Angela: Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight!
Jim: [on phone]: Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end ...
Jim: ...and finds the... fake grail? No grail?
Pam: You don't remember?
Jim: I don't.
Dwight: An 'X.'
Oscar: Annex. It must open something in the annex.
Dwight: Oh.
Kevin: Whoa.
Dwight: 'Sedes introiti.' Seat of entrance.
Dwight: [shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards]
Pete: What?
Oscar: What?
Kevin: That's a flush.
All: [murmuring as Dwight holds up toy forklift]
All: The warehouse.
Pam: [on phone to Jim] There's nothing down here.
Jim: Oh, I expected more from young Halpert.
Dwight: Let's just forget it. Forget it. [warehouse worker dips donut into golden chalice]
Nellie: So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative?
Erin: Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack.
Nellie: Wow.
Erin: It's just Pete in sunglasses.
Nellie: Oh.
Erin: And then we had him 'Like' Dunder Mifflin.
Pete: Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them 'Like' Derek's 'Likes.'
Erin: So far, we're only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big.
Nellie: You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together.
Erin: All right.
Erin: Pete and I work well together - not that there's anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl- not that I'm into girls. Not that I'm into Pete. Ugh! What was the question?
Jim: Hey.
Co-worker: Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch.
Jim: Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later.
Co-worker #2: Uh sure. No problem.
Jim: Cece's ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. I've been working with her on her move. It's called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? It's kind of like this. It's pretty cute, right?
Dwight: Pfft, 'Athlead'? Please. They're too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it 'Stumpany,' for 'Stupid Company.'
Darryl: Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. That's why I'm doing it.
Dwight: You're working for 'Stumpany' too?
Darryl: Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, I'm switching over.
Dwight: What?
Darryl: Yep.
Dwight: [on phone] Hey, Halpert, what's the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you're stealing Darryl too. When will it end?
Jim: Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity.
Dwight: You won't stop until you've poached us all.
Jim: Yeah. Even you.
Dwight: No. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let us lose me.
Jim: Bye, Dwight.
Jim: Hi. How are ya? Good to see you.
Pam: Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural?
Kevin: Ooh, I haven't heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato?
Pam: Oh, no, Kevin, it's not a joke. Angela's husband put me up for a- um, just never mind.
Angela: I have no information. But I'm sure as soon as they know, they'll call you.
Pam: Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now I'm just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, let's be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with - some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb?
Pam: Well, I'm heading out to Cece's dance recital.
Oscar: Aw.
Pam: Hey, Cece, Daddy's gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited?
Cece: Yeah.
Pam: Let's call him.
Jim: Hey. I was just about to call you.
Pam: Hey, Hon, are you close?
Jim: I am still in Philly, actually.
Pam: What?
Jim: It's insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so I'm stuck here trying to keep him on board.
Pam: Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you weren't gonna make it.
Jim: Pam, I couldn't get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call.
Cece: I want Daddy.
Jim: You're gonna do great. And you know what? Mommy's gonna record it. So we'll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam?
Pam: Of course.
Jim: Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone?
Pam: Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something.
Jim: Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes you're not the best with the phone.
Pam: I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, we're getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, 'Bye, Daddy.'
Cece: Bye, Daddy.
Jim: Bye. ��[pause] Yep. See, you've still got to press 'End,' Pam.
Cece: Press 'End.'
Pete: Oh, check it out. This is our first real 'Like.'
Erin: Oh, my gosh!
Pete: Oh! All right, Alan Olson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific.
Erin: Wow. That guy's really into paper.
Pete: Yeah.
Nellie: Well done, you two.
Erin: We did it. Youth task force forever.
Pete: Yes.
Pete: [doing a series of hand bumps with Erin] Bap, bup, bup, bap. Wait. Did I go first and then you?
Erin: No, you go - okay.
Pete: All right, all right.Okay, start over.
Nellie: Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man. '��Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.' I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie.
Dwight: Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around - on me. Just sign your name below.
All: [murmuring]
Dwight: You're welcome.
Phyllis: Wait. This says 'Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge'?
Dwight: This - uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want.
Oscar: 'Loyalty pledge'?
Darryl: Come on, Dwight, stop overreacting. I'm getting all my work done here. No customers have complained. Nobody even knows.
Dwight: Yeah, we'll see about that.
Dwight: Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you've got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? 'Infuriating, irresponsible'...
Clark: They got us set up with Windows 95, ��so you're kind of dreaming here.
Dwight: Okay, I'm gonna need you to print it out.
Dwight: [writing on white board] Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because it's an idea. But what does it mean?
Kevin: Ooh, it's when you get a free sandwich after you've already eaten ten sandwiches.
Dwight: Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority- the client.
Mr. Romanko: I wouldn't say a rage.
Darryl: Mr. Romanko, we were a day late on one of your deliveries, but two of our trucks were down for repairs. It's very unlikely it would happen again.
Mr. Romanko: Thank you. Thank you.
Dwight: No, you're not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl? ��L-
Darryl: Loyalty.
Dwight: Loyalty.
Nellie: Loyalty is exactly right.
Dwight: Thank you.
Nellie: Yes. I mean, it is everything. Let's all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships?
Stanley: That's none of your damn business.
Nellie: Darryl is 'dating' Dunder Mifflin.
Darryl: Darryl is dating Val... still.
Nellie: But he's flirting with Jim's company on the side. And we all know what flirting can lead to.
Mr. Romanko: I'm sorry. Do I still need to be here?
Dwight: Yes.
Nellie: I'm having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So let's- let's use an example. Take Erin. Erin's boyfriend Andy, is away across the ocean.
Dwight: Yeah.
Nellie: So is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example?
Creed: Let's try it out.
Nellie: No, let's- let's- let's not say Creed. Let's say Mr. X.
Angela: Well, I think it would be immoral for Erin to cheat on Andy.
Erin: Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you cheat on Andy?
Angela: Yes. And he didn't like it.
Phyllis: Does Mr. X know that Erin has a boyfriend, or did Erin keep that from Mr. X?
Kevin: Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete because that's the guy that Erin's flirting with?
Dance Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, the Little Ladybug Ballerinas.
Ballerinas: One, two, three.
Parent in Audience: Really?
Pam: Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
Ballerinas: One, two, three.
Pam: [whispering] Hello? Yes, this is Pam Halpert. I got the mural? [Loudly] Oh, my God!
Audience: Shh!
Pam: [whispering] Um, I'm sorry. I have to go. My daughter's a ladybug. I know that doesn't make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you.
Parent in audience #2: You're very rude.
Parent in audience #1: Yes, very rude.
Pam: Shh! Kids are dancing.
Dwight: Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. [chuckles] So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself?
Darryl: Dwight, look, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this, okay? Athlead is my future. No disrespect to Dunder Mifflin, but if I can have fun at work, I want that.
Dwight: It can't be more fun than selling paper and paper products.
Darryl: It can.
Dwight: Are you pretending to be crazy, huh?
Phyllis: Well, Andy's cute, but he's too vanilla, whereas Pete - he's just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird.
Erin: I'm just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I haven't done anything.
Meredith: Yeah right. With slammin' bods like that, they ain't playing checkers.
Oscar: People, it's 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man?
Erin: Okay, can everyone please stop speaking for me? Andy is my boyfriend. Pete and I are just friends. And that's the end of it. Right, Pete?
Pete: That is correct. Come on, guys, where is this even coming from?
Kevin: Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your penis.
All: [groan]
Erin: Nellie, you have to shut down the task force. I'm not sure if you need to start a new task force to do that, but please just shut down the task force.
Nellie: I suppose that will- that will be all right, yeah.
Nellie: Most relationships eventually die on their own, but sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face. You're welcome, Andy. And you're welcome, my own ass.
Investor: Listen, I appreciate you taking the time with me.
Co-worker: Peter, please. We completely understand your concerns here. Let us just show you the latest projections. Jim?
Jim: Uh, Wade actually has those on the road, but he's gonna be calling in with those numbers any second. So just hold on one s-
Jim: Oh, actually... uh, nope. That is my wife. Again, he'll be calling in any second.
Pam: [on phone] Hey, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance. Cece did great, and I want to tell you something.
Lonnie: Hey boss, you gotta jump on a delivery.
Darryl: I don't do that anymore.
Lonnie: That's what they told me.
Darryl: [sighs]
Darryl: All right, let's get this over with.
Dwight: You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! [laughs] Here we go! Yeah!
Dwight: Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun!
Darryl: How far is this place? [turns off radio]
Dwight: Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports. [throws small ball at Darryl]
Darryl: Fun.
Toby: Hey, really nice job in that meeting in there.
Nellie: Oh, thank you. I don't know, I sort of thought-
Toby: [hugging Nellie] So proud of you, Hon.
Nellie: Oh, I don't know. Okay.
Toby: I'm just curious though, what do you have against Pete and Erin?
Nellie: Well, Andy wrote me a really nice recommendation letter for the adoption agency, and I- I just sort of felt I owed him one.
Toby: Pete's a pretty cool guy, though, and Andy was a terrible lover to Erin. He basically ignored her and left on a boat.
Nellie: I didn't really think about it like that.
Toby: Yeah, well... Not everybody has what we have.
Nellie: 'What we have'?
Toby: Mm-hmm.
Nellie: I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Dwight: Yes. Fast food. I'll take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day.
Darryl: They have fast food in Philly.
Dwight: Not like this.
Darryl: Exactly like this.
Fast Food Worker: And your milkshake.
Dwight: Thank you.
Darryl: It's 30 degrees out. You drinkin' a mildshake?
Dwight: Nope. [throwing milkshake] Fire in the hole! [laughs] Oh, yeah! Now that's what working at a paper company's all about!
Dwight: Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k- We have to go.
Darryl: You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage.
Dwight: It's a youtube thing! Let's go. Let's go. Come on, they're coming.
Pam: Anyone want to see the video from Cece's recital?
Angela: Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped... with that [picks up piece of paper].
Oscar: I'll watch it. Let's get this over with.
Pam: All right, you don't have to.
Kevin: Let's get this over with, Pam.
Pam: Okay.
Oscar: Oh.
Pam: Wait. What?
Pam: [recorded on phone] Excuse me, I have to get back to work.
Pam: Oh, no. I took a phone call in the middle of taping, and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off.
Oscar: User error. I've heard of that happening to other people.
Angela: Oscar, don't rub it in. I'm sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child.
Pam: Well, it was an important phone call.
Pam: I haven't told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news, he's always like, 'Beesly!' I love that. Only thing better than getting the job- 'Beesly!' [chuckles]
Pete: Hey.
Erin: Hello, Peter.
Dwight: [cleaning up milkshake in restaurant] It barely even feels like a prank anymore.
Darryl: You missed a spot.
Drive Thru Customer: Fire in the hole! [throwing milkshake] Go! Go! Go! Go! [tires screech]
Dwight: Ha ha! Yeah, joke's on you buddy! They make you come back and clean it up!
Nellie: I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the youth task force.
Erin: Oh, no, I really don't think that's a good idea.
Nellie: Well, that is not your call. I made the decision. You have no choice in the matter, and everybody knows it.
Pete: Well, okay, then.
Erin: I guess we don't have a choice.
Nellie: Nope.
Pete: yeah.
Erin: Yeah.
Toby: Lady...you never stop surprising me.
Dwight: [sighs]
Darryl: [clears throat]
Dwight: What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?
Darryl: No. I was clearing my throat.
Meredith: Good night.
Pam: Night
Creed: Night
Pam: Night, Creed.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: So, how's it going?
Jim: We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. It's like everything I did, he just wouldn't go for it.
Pam: I'm so sorry.
Jim: I have no idea where we're gonna come up with this money, and we have to work insanely hard over the next few weeks.
Pam: [sighs] Oh, I'm sorry. I feel like you've already been working insanely hard.
Jim: Can you figure out how to upload Cece's dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up.
Pam: Um, actually, funny story - I didn't get it. I shouldn't have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all.
Jim: You're not serious, are you? You didn't get any of the recital?
Pam: No, I got the teacher introducing them and then the applause afterwards. But not so much of the middle part.
Jim: Come on, Pam. Pam, I asked you if you could use the phone, and you swore that you knew how.
Pam: Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sure we can get a copy. A lot of people were taping it.
Jim: Oh, great. So we'll see somebody else's kid with Cece in the background? I mean, it's really not that hard to film a video.
Pam: Is there- um... you want to ease up a little bit?
Jim: Look, Pam, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, what do I do? It's gone. That moment's just gone. I missed it.
Pam: I don't know, Jim - maybe you should have been there.
Jim: You're not serious, right? I mean, how is that fair? I'm in Philly. These are my days in Philly. You've agreed to this.
Pam: You know what? I- I- I don't think you want to start a conversation with me about what's fair. Okay? This is way more intense than I ever -
Jim: Pam, I'm not explaining this to you- Pam, I'm not going over this again.
Co-worker: Jim. We need you.
Jim: I don't know how else to tell you, okay? I'm doing everything I can every week to bring home something...
Pam: I am- I am- I am trying to make everything perfect here, okay? So that you can have everything that you want.
Jim: I'm doing this just for me? Is that what I'm doing? I'm doing it just for me. If that's what you think, then this is a really sad night. But you know what? I got to go. Okay?
Pam: Yep.
Jim: We'll talk tomorrow?
Pam: Yep. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Jim: Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Pam: Bye. [quietly crying, sniffling]
Brian: Hey, you okay?
Pam: What am I doing wrong, Brian?
Brian: Nothing. You're doing the best you can.
Cameraman: Brian.
Brian: Give her a minute. Give her a minute.
Pam: [crying]
Brian: Hey, it's just a tough situation, all right?
Pam: It's getting tougher. I just didn't know that it was gonna be this hard.
Brian: Yeah. Let's turn the cameras off. Seriously, guys. Enough. Enough.
Pam: Thank you.
Guy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Darryl: [watching you tube video, laughing]
Guy: [on video] I nailed that guy, dude. Oh yeah.
Darryl: And replay.
Guy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go! Go! Go! Go! I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah.
Darryl: [sighs] I'm gonna miss the paper business.