Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight
Dwight: Who are you?
Fake Jim: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian
Fake Jim: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Dwight: Alright then Jim. Ahhh, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Fake Jim: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Voicemail: Please enter your password.
Voicemail: You have one new message.
Dwight: How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Fake Jim: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Dwight: You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30.
Fake Jim: Oh great, can't wait. [Kisses Pam]
Pam: Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
Dwight: I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
Dwight: Oh my'! Oh d'! Oh, how did'? [gasps] Huhhhhh!
Erin: Heyyy! Study buddies!
Darryl: Oh, ok.
Erin: Getting things done. Awesome!
Darryl: It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!
Darryl: Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Erin: [speaking in French] S'il vous plait'dites-Moi'Ugggghhh les Bleagh!
Dwight: Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.
Erin: I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there!
Dwight: You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
Dwight: Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.
Dwight: I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.
Erin: Yeah! Let's do it!
Dwight: [exclaims] Atherozar!
Erin: [shocked] Oh!
Dwight: It means 'excellent'. And we have begun.
Pam: [asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk]. Is everything okay?
Nellie: Hmm? Oh'oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'm mean, I d'I just don't wanna'burden you with my massive stress freak outs!
Pam: Great.
Nellie: It's just that I am taking my driver's license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to 'Demandy'...[Points to Andy's office with her thumb]. I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But'in who's car?
Andy: [yells] Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.
Nellie: [sighs]
Pam: Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime.
Nellie: Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my savior! [hugs Pam]
Nellie and Pam: [giggling] ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Pam: [to Jim] I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch.
Jim: Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try.
Nellie: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Andy: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Nellie: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Andy: As in...
Nellie: Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Andy: [silently mouths] Wow!
Andy: This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.
Andy: My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.
Erin: I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, 'What's your stance on politics?' Or, 'What is the best war to do?' And, I will just be like, 'Duhhhh!'
Andy: Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.
Pete: Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Clark: So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.
Clark: Oooohhhhhhhh!
Clark: It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Pete: Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Clark: Just clap through it, man.
Darryl: You log in sales at ten different times. If you log 'em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Jim: That was really good, Darryl.
Darryl: Life hacking, man.
Andy: There he is!
Jim: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me'[gets interrupted by Andy].
Andy: [shushing Jim] Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?
Darryl: Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.
Andy: It's me! [chuckles] I am related to Michelle Obama.
Darryl: What?! Really?
Andy: I mean, it's distant, but...
Darryl: [chuckles in agreement] Huh ha! That's cool, man.
Andy: Right?
Andy: Darryl said, 'Cool, man.' He called me as cool man.
Pam: You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat.
Nellie: Mmmm'the thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving, so, I might as well get good at it.
Pam: Brake lights. Break lights! Break lights! Break lights!!!
Nellie: Whhooooo!
Oscar: I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?
Phyllis: You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
Stanley: Well somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.
Dwight: I throat-rip.
Erin: Foth aggendak!
Dwight: You throat-rip.
Erin: Foth aggendi!
Dwight: He/she/it throat rips.
Erin: Foth aggenda!
Dwight: More of a, barbaric growl.
Erin: [in a barbaric growl] Forth aggenda!
Dwight: Louder! You're shouting it from the back of a horse!
Erin: Wah!! Aggenda!!
Pam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Nellie: [laughs mischievously] Yeeeeahhhh! It's almost unbelievable!
Pam: What?
Nellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Pam: Sure.
Nellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Pam: So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Nellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.
Pam: [laughs]
Pam: Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.
Nellie: [whispers] Pam! [she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guy's head].
Pam: [laughs]
Oscar: Well, if there's another explanation, I don't really see what it could possibly be. I'[gets cut by Andy barging into the convo]
Andy: What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [Mimicks smacking everyone with a whipl].
Oscar: Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.
Andy: Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Oscar: Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were'slave owners.
Andy: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?
Darryl: Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Andy: Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye.
Darryl: Yes, yes, yes.
Andy: Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum!
Darryl: I included some time saving ideas...
Andy: Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.
Darryl: Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird.
Andy: [snaps his fingers] Right on, brotha. Wurddd.
Erin: Addor!
Dwight: Daraas!
Erin: Qazer!
Dwight: Daraas! [asks the rest of the office] Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk?
Pete: Hey Erin!
Erin: Azem choma! Chomakka-attun!
Pete: Oh'okay. Sorry.
Nellie: Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work.
Pam: Yeah'turn signal. It's exciting to be painting again'those are the wipers. So'the'its'just. There you go! Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, things get so busy with the kids'red light'that it's nice to have that creative outlet'red light! Red light! Red! Red!
Nellie: That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work.
Pam: Well, since we're stopped at a light, uhhh, here is...the mural I did for Angela's baby.
Nellie: That's amazing, Pam! Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo!
Pam: Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.
Andy: [to Erin]. Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?
Erin: Vos!
Andy: So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today.
Erin: Because of your slaves.
Andy: Not my slaves, my ancestors'. Maybe. Probably not.
Erin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for 'slave master', 'attafrauk!', is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak dothraki! Color you impressed?
Andy: That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!
Erin: Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language.
Dwight: People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it.
Andy: Hi guys.
Phyllis: Hey boss! I am so thirsty. Could I have a scoop of water?
Andy: Yeah. You don't have to ask me.
Andy: Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be'[ringtone of Dixie plays]. Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was 'Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes' by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith'African American'Mambazo.
Pam: Good. Very good. [cell phone beeping]Oh'no! Here. It's, uh, a text from Andy. 'New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P.' And then in parentheses, he wrote out 'as soon as possible.'
Nellie: Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, 'looking for dirt.'
Pam: Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding.
Nellie: Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding.
Pam: Oh'gee'I'm'
Nellie: No! I'm just practicing my lyyiiinggg! [whispers] I love it.
Pam: Brilliant!
Nellie: What should we say about Jim?
Pam: Ummm. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up.
Nellie: My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. [pauses] I just made a joke there.
Pam: I'm sorry. It's just, uhm, I actually do have this weird feeling that there's something Jim isn't telling me.
Nellie: Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair!
Pam: Jim? No.
Nellie: [sighs]. How can you be sure?
Pam: Because he just loves me too much.
Nellie: You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?
Andy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
Angela: Ew.
Andy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Kevin: And John Wayne?
Andy: No. Not that I see here.
Kevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Andy: You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!
Jim: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True'[touches his nose] Oh no.
Andy: Dwight's grandfather was a'[is interrupted by Dwight].
Dwight: Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So'[clears throat]
Andy: I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
Dwight: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! Hahhahahahahah! Hahahahahah!
Andy: And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.
Meredith: Cool! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [mimics stabbing into Angela's throat]
Angela: Stop it! Stop it! You're frightening me!
Phyllis: Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families?
Kevin: Yeah, that'you're being really mean, Andy.
Dwight: Yeah, Andy.
Andy: No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it's not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.
Oscar: The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefitting from the terrible things that your ancestors did.
Andy: Might've done. And how' do you figure?
Oscar: Your family's rich! I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.
Andy: You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income.
Oscar: Really?
Andy: We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.
Andy: Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.
Darryl: You're gonna po' mouth
Andy: Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl.
Darryl: Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions'
Andy: What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?
Darryl: That could work.
Andy: You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here.
Darryl: I'm going for a walk.
Andy: [with a sigh] Okay.
Pam: Good. Good. And'[Nellie hits the car against the bushes]
Jim: You doing alright, man?
Darryl: I'm done. I gotta get out of here.
Jim: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
Darryl: It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.
Jim: Oh, come on, it can always get better. Right?
Darryl: Hmm. Yeah right
Jim: No, I'm serious. There's always something better.
Darryl: Like what?
Jim: Like hypothetically' if I said there was another job. That you and I could both have.
Darryl: What kind of job?
Jim: Something cool. Like, sports marketing or... that sound something like you'd be into?
Darryl: Hell yeah!
Jim: Right?
Darryl: That sounds awesome!
Jim: Ok, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly! So you'd have to...
Darryl: I love Philly!
Jim: Right?
Darryl: It's not even a thought'
Jim: Not even a thought! It's not even that far away! I could still commute! Exactly. Exactly! Alright!
Darryl: What? Wait, wait, wait? So what? This happening?
Jim: Oh, it's happening! Let's just keep it between you and me for right now.
Darryl: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. for sure. Man! And Pam's into it?
Jim: We, uh, we haven't talked about. But I think that she's'I think she understands... what this is.
Darryl: Oh, come on, man. I thought you had something real.
Jim: What? No, no, no! Come on! This is real!
Darryl: It's not real... until your wife is on board.
Pam: So what did you want to show me?
Nellie: That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?
Pam: Yeah. It's really ugly
Nellie: Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking'a mural.
Pam: You mean me?
Nellie: Yes! You! You are soo talented! It's going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.
Pam: Oh my god! I love it! Uh, I'Nellie, this is brilliant! [sees Jim] Hey!
Jim: Hey! Can I talk you? For a second?
Nellie: Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you!
Pam: What?! No! I-I got this. [Laughs] Okay?
Nellie: [quietly] This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich.
Nellie: And Filipino. But we'll break that to her later.
Nellie: [to Darryl] You know what this is all about.
Darryl: Yeah. You too, huh?
Nellie: Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, youuuu sssnake!
Darryl: Hey! He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. [whispers] Yeah.
Nellie: Ohhh, Pam, nooo! Oh, I can't bear to watch this.
Jim: I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world.
Pam: I still can't believe he didn't tell me.
Pam: I was helping Nellie drive'[Stanley interrupts]
Stanley: Do not care.
Pete: Fonas chek!
Erin: Dothraas! chek! [giggles]
Andy: I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.
Erin: [in agreement] Hmmm!


Andy: Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video]
Group: Dunder Mifflin!
Andy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail: Kevin:
[repeats]
Andy: Fail: Oscar:
Andy: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy?
Dwight: Fail!
Jim: I deserved that.
Andy: [Darryl runs in slow motion on video]
Darryl: That was a triple.
Andy: Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Darryl: My pleasure.
[Clark and Pete are shown on screen]
Video Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry: Andy:
Oscar: What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Andy: Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?
Jim: Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?
Andy: Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]
Jim: I think I got it right here.
Andy: That was not a fail.
Group: Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Andy: [Group continues chanting 'Fail!']That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants]
Dwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god.
Phyllis: What's going on?
Dwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
Stanley: What's he measuring?
Dwight: OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Toby: It's an EMF hotspot.
Phyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god!
Oscar: It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Andy: Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Stanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Dwight: OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.
Dwight: [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.
Pam: [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you.
Jim: You got it.
Jim: Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first.
Nellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Andy: Fine. I will give you one minute.
Nellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Andy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Nellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Andy: A baby what? A human?!
Nellie: And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
Andy: Oh.
Nellie: You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Andy: Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.
Nellie: It's not..it's-
Andy: And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.
Nellie: Well then if I could just convince...
Andy: And those sand grains are tumbling..
Nellie: You.
Andy: With fury...
Nellie: It's not..it's not
Andy: Down the sides..
Nellie: Entrapment if I'm..
Andy: Of the hourglass..
Nellie: ..writing..
Andy: Time's up!
Nellie: Fine.
Andy: Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.
Dwight: [Reading from computer] 'Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!' That means you can't make me do squat.
Meredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.
Dwight: You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week.
Pam: Week off. That'd be great.
Darryl: [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Clark: I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Darryl: Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Clark: Just do the tutorial.
Darryl: You're the tutorial.
Clark: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Darryl: You could be.
Clark: Mm-mm.
Darryl: [to Jim] What are you doing?
Jim: Getting my wife a week off from work.
Darryl: You popped one kernel.
Jim: Awesome, right? [leaves]
Clark: So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Darryl: Correct.
Jim: Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests]
Dwight: What? Come on.
Creed: I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair...
Meredith: I'm not gonna grow a third arm!
Dwight: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.
Jim: [reading from computer] 'Side effects of EMF include: headaches...'
Dwight: Had 'em all my life.
Jim: '..breast pain...'
Dwight: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.
Jim: Oof. 'Infertility.'
Dwight: [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch]
Jim: Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Dwight: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the?
Jim: What?
Dwight: Some of these kernels have crowned.
Jim: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god.
Dwight: Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot]
Jim: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Pam: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Jim: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Pam: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Jim: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.
Pam: Yeah, OK then.
Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.
Dwight: So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week.
Meredith: Nice job.
Dwight: In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour.
Jim: What?
Pam: What's this?
Andy: Whoa!
Jim: What?
Dwight: [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in!
Dwight: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.
Stanley: [on phone] There are a hundred packs..
Oscar: [On phone] No six after the eight, no...
Stanley: Shh!
Oscar: Shh!
Stanley: Ninety nine cases..yeah.
Oscar: Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying]
Angela: Ooh!
Pete: Oh sorry! Sorry.
Angela: Oh my god!
Erin: [bumps into Meredith] Sorry.
Meredith: Lose weight.
Erin: I'm trying. Sorry.
Erin: [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.
Nellie: Oh of course, you were adopted.
Erin: [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well.
Nellie: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?
Erin: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.
Nellie: Oh thank you so much!
Erin: [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because..
Nellie: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods]
Clark: Stretch. Alright.
Stanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Clark: I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue.
Stanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.
Jim: Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face.
Clark: It's a medical thing.
Jim: Just...you good?
Clark: I'm good. I..
Jim: [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this.
Pam: It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.
Angela: I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her]
Pam: Oh my god! Ah!
Jim: I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!
Pam: You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus]
Jim: Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking?
Dwight: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?
Dwight: It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
Jim: Andy!
Andy: Yo. Dudeces.
Jim: You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?
Phyllis: Oh, I know I'd be more productive.
Kevin: As would I.
Stanley: No question.
Dwight: No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
Jim: What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy?
Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!
Andy: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.
Erin: Yes! [Group cheers]
Jim: Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also.
Pam: Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat]
Jim: [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?
Dwight: Get your foot behind the yellow line.
Jim: You got it.
Erin: Yeah Jim! [Group claps]
Darryl: [Sitting outside building] Stop.
Clark: Come back.
Darryl: Too late.
Clark: Mmm.
Group: Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call.
Pam: My name is Pam.
Group: Yeah!
Pam: I like to paint.
Group: Yeah!
Pam: You think you're better?
Group: Yeah!
Pam: Oh no you ain't!
Group: Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!
Kevin: My name is Kevin.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: That is my name.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: They call me Kevin.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: Cause that's my name.
Group: Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!
Creed: [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today...Oh my god.
Andy: Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one.
Pam: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?
Jim: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.
Pam: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him.
Jim: He's just mad that we're all having fun.
Pam: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?
Jim: He's fine. He's indestructible.
Erin: Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages.
Nellie: [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one.
Erin: Never say that.
Erin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.
Nellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.
Stanley: Next stop pies! [group joins in]
Group: Next stop pies!
Kevin: Next stop pies!
Jim: Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Kevin: Wh...
Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work.
Dwight: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Jim: OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.
Dwight: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.
Jim: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!
Pam: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.
Jim: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!
Group: No!
Dwight: Stop ordering me around, Jim!
Jim: What do we want?!
Group: Pies!
Jim: When do we want it?!
Group: Pies!
Dwight: OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.
Jim: That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight!
Meredith: Oh my!
Jim: What are you doing?
Meredith: Dwight, what the hell?
Oscar: Dwight!
Clark: What?
Kevin: Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back.
Phyllis: [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just..
Pam: Phyllis! That's not safe.
Kevin: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.
Pam: [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset.
Jim: You know he's doing all this on purpose.
Pam: Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch]
Stanley: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!
Andy: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps]
Meredith: What?
Jim: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
Dwight: I'm barren, Jim.
Jim: What?
Dwight: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
Jim: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
Dwight: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Jim: No.
Dwight: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs]
Jim: I'll take it.
Nellie: Andy?
Andy: Who is it?
Nellie: Um, is this a good time?
Andy: Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.
Nellie: Oh, why, is there something?
Andy: It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.
Nellie: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-
Andy: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.
Nellie: Alright then.
Jim: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Dwight: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
Jim: That doesn't matter.
Dwight: What position did you use to conceive?
Jim: Ok...that's not...
Dwight: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.
Andy: [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
Pete: I don't think that's Nelly.
Andy: What?
Nellie: Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you.
Jim: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?
Dwight: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Jim: Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..
Dwight: Bildenkinder.
Jim: OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.
Pam: Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go?
Jim: It's pretty good actually.
Pam: Yeah?
Jim: We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim]
Oscar: Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts]
Dwight: When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!
Pam: You feel OK now?
Dwight: Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.
Pam: Well, actually, rhubarb is-
Jim: Don't..
Pam: the one pie that I don't.
Jim: Don't..
Dwight: Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly]
Angela: Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other]
Jim: [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie!
Group: Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive]
Nellie: Oh.
Andy: I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers]
Nellie: Oh, you signed it?
Andy: Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away]
Nellie: [Reading] 'She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.'
Kevin: I insult you, Oscar.
Oscar: What?
Kevin: I insult you! To your face!
Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kevin: Then why don't you do something about it?
Oscar: [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?
Kevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes!
Pam: Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed.
Jim: We did it.
Pam: You did it.
Andy: My name is Andy!
Group: [bored] Yeah.
Andy: I don't do drugs!
Group: Yeah.
Andy: Now check the style!
Group: Yeah.
Andy: Of Flatt & Scruggs!
Group: Yeah. [Andy plays banjo]
Pam: Role call.
Phyllis: Role call.
Oscar: Role call.
Creed: What?


Dwight: This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.
Erin: [screaming upon seeing pumpkin-headed Dwight]
Dwight: [screaming then laughing] It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made.
Dwight: My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ...
Jim: It won't budge.
Dwight: I can't get it out. Try again!
Dwight: I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...
Dwight: [as Jim approaches with a knife] Jim, no. No. No! No!
Dwight: But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.
Dwight: At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?
Erin: Hey guys.
Pam: Hey.
Erin: Pam, what are you?
Pam: I am Dr. Cinderella.
Jim: Cece's really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models.
Pam: I'm an oncologist and you are a dog.
Erin: No, I'm a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen.
Jim: It's Okay.
Erin: Uh, Jim, you're not dressed up at all.
Jim: Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys. [to Pam, under his breath] Can I have your sunglasses?
Erin: Jim, come on. I thought we were past this.
Pam: So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me?
Jim: There's a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume.
Pam: Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.
Jim: Gettin' a lot of mileage out of this, aren't ya?
Pam: Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.
Andy: A jitterbug. [giggles] You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?
Angela: The senator will be joining us later.
Andy: Not a question.
Angela: No, it wasn't.
Andy: Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.
HCT: [singing]
Andy: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!
HCT: [sings Karma Chameleon]
Andy: Aaah! [everyone clapping] So good!
Dwight: What lab did these little clones escape from?
Andy: My Cornell a capella group.
Pam: You were in an a capella group?
Darryl: You went to Cornell?
Andy: Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.
Stanley: Ugh. I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that.
Clark: I do. I love the boss's interests.
Andy: Atta boy Clark!
Meredith: Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?
Andy: No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.
Andy: You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I'm so not prepared.
Jim: Are you sure you're okay with me putting in this much money.
Pam: Yeah. I mean, listen if we're gonna do this thing, we should do it right.
Jim: You're the best.
Pam: I kind of am. It's crazy.
Jim: Okay. I'll see you in a little bit.
Pam: Okay.
Dwight: Jim. Look I'm eating you.
Jim: Shut up.
Dwight: Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I'm eating Jims.
Erin: [laughs]
Dwight: [laughing] Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.
Erin: [laughing hysterically] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Dwight: Oh no, I'm spilling Jim all over the carpet. [laughing]
Erin: Stop it stop it stop it stop it!
Dwight: [picking up spilled candy] Hello little pill. What do you do?
Dwight: Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There's a madman in our midst.
Pam: Okay I give up. What are you?
Nellie: I'm sexy Toby.
Pam: [laughing] Gross. I love it.
Dwight: Dumatril!
Nellie: Something wrong Dwight?
Dwight: Dumatril.
Nellie: Yes?
Dwight: This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it's not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It's not for any disorder of the body. [whispering] It's for a disorder of the mind.
Nellie: The mind is part of the body.
Dwight: Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... [whispering] They are now off their meds.
Nellie: Dwight, our co-workers' health issues are really none of our business so-
Dwight: Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What's going on Nellie? Talk to me.
Nellie: Hm?
Nellie: It's my pill. I have an anxiety issue and I'm not ashamed of that, But I'm not loving the idea of Dwight having that information. I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.
Nellie: Yeah, you're right. This man needs to be apprehended.
Dwight: I'll get my apprehension kit.
Andy: Ruh duh duh da dudes! What's up?
HCT: [mumbled responses]
Andy: I know that it's pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody. When I got the nickname 'Boner Champ,' that is when I became me.
Andy: You didn't come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now's your chance! I'm here. You got Qs; I got As.
HCT Member #1: Did you say you've got AIDS?
Andy: No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said. Next question.
Andy: You don't have any- Any questions about the old days? [clears throat] You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?
HCT Member #2: I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Andy: I'm sorry, what?
HCT Member #2: I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Andy: Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.
Pete: I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year.
Creed: Me neither.
Creed: It's Halloween. That is really, really good timing.
Andy: I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you're Boner Champ.
Broccoli Rob: [on computer monitor] I'm so sorry! I don't know how that could have happened.
Andy: Did you maybe tell them that or...?
Broccoli Rob: I just- I just started yappin' about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky.
Andy: Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it's really stupid, but it's also really, really, really important.
Broccoli Rob: Will do. I love you, Andy.
Andy: Love you too.
Businessman #1: So the workspace looks awesome.
Jim: Wow.
Businessman #2: And the graphic designer is going to be sending in some of the logo treatments. I can't wait to see them.
Businessman #3: You guys rock. [round of fistbumps]
Businessman #1: I killed it.
Businessman #2: I've also been running the numbers and between our backers and our own investments, we're looking great for a full year on this.
Jim: Oh, uh, is it too late to get in?
Businessman #3: Oh Jim, I explained everything. So you're all set.
Jim: Oh, I actually talked to my wife and we'd really like to uh you know, invest - get in on the ground floor.
Businessman #2: Wow, well what level of investment were you thinking about?
Jim: We were thinking somewhere between five - ten thousand? I can do the full ten thousand. We should just - [blows air] - all in.
Businessman #3: Welcome aboard!
Jim: All right. [laughs] Awesome. Cool.
Dwight: Hi Daryl. I'm just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.
Nellie: You know, to uh, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning.
Dwight: That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy?
Darryl: I can't really picture it. Can you... get it on there. Yeah. And maybe, get the cheeks.
Dwight: So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?
Darryl: Get under your chin first. Yeah.
Dwight: Is that where the nanobots like to come in?
Darryl: Take it all the way up to your lip, yeah.
Dwight: Is that how they like to get in?
Darryl: Yeah, that's crazy.
Dwight: [whispering] I don't know. I just don't know.
Andy: Yo! Bad boys of a capella.
HCT: [mumbling] Hey.
Andy: Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?
HCT Member #3: Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob. I guess you really are the Boner Champ.
Andy: Did he tell you how I got the name?
HCT Member #3: No.
Andy: Spring sing '95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in, you know. Took the face off. It just seemed easier that way.
Angela: And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted. So, anyway... Hi! Oh, Oscar, remember my husband, the senator?
Oscar: Senator Lipton, nice to see you.
Senator Lipton: Nice to see you Oscar.
Angela: Wait a second, who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together. This is mayhem!
Senator Lipton: So Oscar, you're a dinosaur.
Oscar: Actually I'm the electoral college.
Senator Lipton: Ouch! Right on target.
Angela: You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis. You two talk, okay? Sorry babe.. Phyllis!
Senator Lipton: God, it's just so good to see you.
Oscar: I, uh, huh, just [chuckles nervously]
Senator Lipton: All having this wonderful Halloween gathering. Excuse me, is that punch?
Andy: They didn't know about the snowman story, and when I told 'em, they were not impressed.
Erin: What is with these turkeys?
Andy: Right?
Erin: Hey! You better do 'Faith.' You get me?
HCT Member #3: We don't know it.
Erin: So learn it. You all go to Cornell, you're like eight Rain men. Just learning the friggin' song.
HCT Member #3: Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but-
Erin: Buts... are for pooping. Okay? Make it work. You have to or Andy will flip out... And make it a surprise, please. [to Pete] This isn't stupid.
Pete: What?
Toby: Hey.
Dwight: Hey.
Nellie: Hey Toby.
Toby: Are... are you me?
Nellie: Yes.
Toby: Oh my goodness, look. Look at this.
Nellie: Yeah. I...
Toby: [unintelligible mumbling]
Nellie: Yes. I thought I'd you know, be you.
Toby: Look at.. Look at me. [laughs]
Nellie: [laughing] It's funny right? [Toby starts to lean in for a kiss, then runs away]
Dwight: All right. All right, just ...stay focused on the pill.
Nellie: Okay, look Dwight, let's just call this thing off. I mean, it's just an anxiety pill. Lots of people have anxiety.
Dwight: You think I don't have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I've got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne'er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don't need some stupid pill to get me through all this.
Meredith: Cool. Free upper.
Dwight: Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!
Meredith: Don't dog catch me!
Dwight: Gotcha! Yeah! Let's see ya get out of this web, huh?
Meredith: Let me out!
Nellie: The pill is mine.
Dwight: What?
Nellie: Get her out.
Dwight: Oh.
Meredith: Stop baggin' my head!
Nellie: Oh Dwight, look, its just a pill, all right? It's for anxiety. I take it every day. And it makes me feel better. And maybe it could help you too.
Pam: Hey, how'd it go?
Jim: Oh man, it was great. They were great.
Pam: Did you end up investing?
Jim: I did, yeah.
Pam: How much?
Jim: Uh, man, by the end I guess it was about... ten...
Pam: About ten?
Jim: Ten. It was the full ten.
Pam: Wow.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Wow.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah. It's a good thing we talked about it though, because we had to...
Pam: No yeah. Yeah.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: So did everybody ...
Jim: What is it?
Pam: Did everybody end up investing ten thousand?
Jim: Um, oh man, I don't actually know.
Pam: What?
Jim: They weren't really talking that much about money. They just said, We're good with investing and then I...and I...
Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!
HCT: [vocalizing]
Pam: They said they were done with the investing and then you volunteered ten thousand dollars?
Jim: No, no, I had to. Look, I needed to look like a team player, Pam.
Pam: So you invested ten thousand dollars to look like a team player?
Jim: You weren't there.
HCT: [singing 'I'll Be']
Jim: It was very clear that ten thousand was what we had...we should talk about it later.
HCT: [singing 'I'll Be' directly to Pam]
Pam: Talk about it now.
Jim: Pam.
Pam: Jim, that was most of our savings.
HCT: [still singing]
Clark: Wait! Wait. Hold on. Where's the band? 'Cause there's just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths.
Creed: Yeah. That's what she said.
Clark: What, am I overdoing it? No. No.
HCT: [singing]
Pam: We said some. We said 'some.'
Jim: We'll talk about it later.
HCT: [singing]
Pam: We said part not all.
HCT: [singing 'Car Wash']
Clark: Yes! All right!
Andy: Oh Man! [clapping]
Clark: That's how you do that! Whoo!
HCT: Thank you.
Stanley: Show some pride. This is crap.
Dwight: I agree. Yes, crap. Continue.
HCT Member #3: Now folks, by special request, we're going to take it a little old school. There is a former Trebler in this room.
Darryl: Who?
HCT Member #3: It's Mr. Andy Bernard!
All: [clapping]
HCT: [singing 'Faith']
Andy: No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man...
HCT Member #3: He reminded us today of how much he means to us. And we certainly seem to mean a lot to him, so without any further ado, here's an old Treble classic.
HCT: [singing 'Faith']
Broccoli Rob: [on flat screen tv] [singing lead of Faith]
Andy: Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?
HCT Member #3: She said you wanted to hear 'Faith'. That's Broccoli Rob's signature song.
Andy: That's my signature song.
HCT Member #3: I really didn't know that man. I just thought you wanted to hear it.
Andy: Russell, I'm dressed like George Michael.
HCT Member #3: I thought you were Adam Lambert.
Andy: Wha...?
Erin: The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.
Erin: Are you okay?
Broccoli Rob: [on screen] He's still mad.
Andy: Shut up, Broccoli.
Broccoli Rob: Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing. Russell called me up. And they said they needed 20 cc's of George Michael stat. So just... Wham! I sprang into action. You know me. I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number.
Andy: You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man's signature solo is his for life, okay? That's group policy and you know it.
Broccoli Rob: Look, it's not my fault that I still live near campus, and it's my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys., and stop in two, three times a week.
Andy: Just don't do the song anymore.
Broccoli Rob: I tell you what, we'll have a sing-off for it. You pick twelve alums from any year to back you up and I'll do the same, and I'm so confident that I'll win, I won't even warm up.
Andy: Fine, go ahead. Thrash your pipes.
Broccoli Rob: My pipes are primo, Champ. Why don't you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes?
Andy: I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch!
Broccoli Rob: He said, and I quote, 'Hey Rob, nice pipes'. That happened!
Andy: OK, fine, yeah. that's one guy's opinion!
Broccoli Rob: That's real. 'That'll never change!
Erin: Okay!
Andy: Doesn't mean you're the best singer ever. Dick.
Jim: I thought that concert was pretty great.
Kevin: Oh yeah. I decided that acapelca music is awesome.
Angela: They lost me when they sang 'Monster Mash'. That song obviously glorifies the occult.
Jim: Angela, it's Halloween. You have to sing 'Monster Mash'.
Pam: Oh you have to Jim? You literally have to?
Jim: Uh...
Pam: No I'm just, I'm saying, what would happen if they didn't sing it? Would they go to jail? Would they be shot?
Jim: Okay. We'll, just forget it.
Pam: No! No, I'm interested. I mean I think everybody's interested in why they have to sing it.
Jim: Because it is Halloween. So if you're going to sing a concert, it's a good idea to throw that one in.
Pam: Yeah, yeah, no, no. It's a good idea to brush your teeth. But you have to um, feed your children. Send them to school. You know, all things you can't do if you just keep singing 'Monster Mash.'
Kevin: It turns out, that Pam? Really, really hates 'Monster Mash.' I mean like, never bring that song up in front of her. Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song, Pam was like, No! Hate it! Stupid!
Andy: This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?
Erin: [laughing] Yeah.
Andy: I mean, what if we did that? Like we got jobs and we were happy all the time?
Erin: Oh well, Andy, we're not moving to Cornell.
Andy: Duh. I know. That would be insane.
Erin: Yeah.
Andy: It could totally work though. I don't know why we wouldn't. Oh my god are we doing this?
Erin: Oy. Andy, what's going on?
Andy: If I am not Boner Champ, I don't know who I am.
Erin: Well, um, you know maybe you're the wise old guy that the new uh, B-O-N-E-R champ looks up to. You know, you could just-
Andy: Make a donation.
Erin: Well, I was gonna say, be a mentor.
Andy: Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom.
Erin: Oh.
Dwight: [whispering] I want some of those pills.
Nellie: Oh, well good for you. I mean, you'll need a prescription.
Dwight: Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They're not for me. They're for my cousin Mose. He's just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose.
Nellie: Mm. Got it. Well, you tell Mose that he's a good man and that I hope he feels better.
Dwight: Which one? Mose or the real Mose?
Nellie: The real Mose.
Dwight: He says Thank you.
Andy: [on phone] Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up this scholarship for a capella kids at Cornell and just need to wire some money over there. [pause] What?
Erin: What's wrong?
Andy: My parents are broke.


Oscar: [to camera crew] Can you guys come with me for a minute?
Oscar: I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity and discretion. [turns to see Kevin has overheard him]...Why?
Andy: Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay?
White: Or we can hope for a holiday rally?
Andy: White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster.
Pam: Andy's family had a total meltdown. His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.
Jim: And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar.
Pam: The weirdest part is Andy. The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he's been handling it is just..so..
Jim: Competent.
Pam: Right?
Andy: Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, [bleep] him.
Oscar: Kevin, listen to me. I'm in love with the Senator. And I need time to sort this out in a responsible matter so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me. Ok?
Kevin: That's beautiful. No, I totally get that.
Oscar: Can you do this, Kevin?
Kevin: I really want to. Whatever happens, always remember that.
Oscar: I don't know what that means. Hey, hey-
Pam: [On phone] Oh, great! Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you. [hangs up] Hey guys! Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio?
Creed: Yeah, she hosts the Dr. Laura Show.
Pam: Nope, that's Dr. Laura. Well, her show Biz Whiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today. Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? [Dwight raises hand]
Dwight: I do! I do. I do. I do. I do.
Dwight: The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? [Pretends to be on phone] 'Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.' It's that easy.
Meredith: Hey, so that good looking single brother of yours? Heard he's on a downward spiral with booze.
Andy: Yeah. He's in rehab actually.
Meredith: Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.
Andy: No, it's in New Mexico.
Meredith: Oh...So..- how are you holding up?
Andy: We're done Meredith.
Dwight: [wagging tongue for voice exercises] blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...[Group protests]
Jim: Dwight!
Dwight: ...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.
Jim: No, you chose yourself.
Dwight: [walking away] Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit...
Andy: Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom.
Darryl: Sounds great.
Oscar: Perfect.
Andy: Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas. [Oscar looks outside conference room at Kevin and Angela at the copier]
Kevin: What happened?
Angela: Jammed. This day couldn't get worse. [Kevin laughs]
Kevin: Yeah, I think this day could get worse.
Angela: What does that mean?
Oscar: Kevin!
Kevin: [to Angela] I don't know what you're talking about. [Thumbs up Oscar]
Erin: She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month.
Andy: Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut?
Darryl: If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months.
Andy: Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born.
Erin: Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories?
Darryl: I worked at a Jiffy Lube.
Erin: See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you Darryl?
Darryl: I would if I owned it and I went broke.
Andy: Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat.
Andy: Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? [chokes up] Excuse me.
Pam: [On phone] Oh, OK. No problem. Thanks. Hey guys, WPTU called. The interview's off. They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so...
Nellie: Well why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple.
Pam: He's gonna be disappointed.
Jim: Yes. He is. And you know what? We cannot let that happen.
Pete: Fax?
Erin: Oh yeah, just. Watermelon teeth. This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone. But, it's a girlfriend's job to know her man and I know Andy. [laughs] He's seriously juvenile.
Pete: Cool. He's like 40 though, right?
Erin: Oh no, he couldn't be more than late thirty's. Tops.
Pete: Awesome. Have fun.
Dwight: Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- [phone rings in break room, Dwight picks up] This is Dwight Shrute.
Pam: [on other end in conference room] Please hold for Ms. Black.
Nellie: [Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I'm Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin's senior sales associate Dwight Shrute.
Dwight: Iris, thank you so much for having me.
Erin: [muffled by watermelon teeth] Hey! My teeth are all this stuff in my mouth. [laughs]
Andy: Uh, did you need something?
Erin: Oh, I just need your signature on this.
Andy: Ok. [signs paper] thanks.
Angela: Kevin, we're out of 11-38 forms. Did you order more?
Kevin: I... did not.
Angela: I don't know why I'm surprised. Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore.
Kevin: [laughing in Oscar's direction] Oh really, Angela? That's interesting. Cause I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you..oh! [Oscar makes sound trying to get him to shut up] I have to go to the bathroom!
Angela: That doesn't surprise me.
Oscar: That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom.
Jim: [In staff meeting] See these forms...
Kevin: I have to go to the bathroom! [runs out]
Kevin: [running from elevator] I have to go to the bathroom!
Kevin: [Drives away waving, then screeches to a stop and runs from car]
Erin: Ok, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend?
Andy: Look, it's not that I don't want-
Erin: Ok, come on. I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert...perfect.
Andy: All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said 'You can't be a skipper until you're a man.' You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance.
Erin: Well, when does the boat leave, exactly?
Andy: Tonight.
Erin: Then screw lunch. Let's go for a sunset sail.
Andy: Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now.
Erin: Ok, well then let's leave like right now.
Andy: Yeah, ok.
Erin: Yeah! OK! Let's go.
Andy: Seriously?
Erin: Of course, seriously. Get your coat on.
Andy: Alright.
Erin: Alright.
Andy: Let's do it.
Erin: Let's do it!
Dwight: [On speakerphone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on.
Nellie: [As Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?
Dwight: Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.
Nellie: Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I'm being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons?
Dwight: Yes..?
Nellie: [Jim mimes taking shirt off] I'm so sorry we're going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together.
Dwight: [Takes shirt off] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-
Nellie: Oh, I'm so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Shrute. [Jim holds up card that says 'Now Pants'] Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine.
Dwight: That's impossible.
Nellie: Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?
Angela: The Senator is exhausted. This campaign is wearing him out.
Oscar: That's a tough one.
Angela: That man he's up against is so dirty. And the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can.
Kevin: Please, stop.
Angela: What?
Kevin: Please, stop.
Angela: Anyways, last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in. [Kevin laughs]
Kevin: [Getting up to leave] I can't, it's too much! [laughing]
Oscar: I'm in big trouble.
Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.
Dwight: [pantless] OK, how is my voice now?
Nellie: I'm getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Shrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic?
Dwight: [holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me.
Oscar: [looking at folder he brought Toby]It's clearly not an accounting mistake.
Toby: Yeah.
Oscar: So...
Toby: Kevin. His gambling problem must've resurfaced. I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation.
Oscar: Well, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.
Dwight: This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this.
Nellie: Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc...Sandra Mick [points to Pam]
Pam: [changing voice] Good afternoon Iris, it's a pleasure.
Nellie: Let's get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic?
Pam: No the paper's not toxic.
Dwight: Thank you Sandra!
Pam: Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic!
Dwight: Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! [Jim runs panicked into break room]
Jim: What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?!
Dwight: Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves]
Nellie: Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to?
Dwight: uhhhh...no one.
Nellie: Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?
Dwight: No, everything's fine.
Nellie: Are you insulting my guests?
Dwight: [chokes up]
Kevin: [on phone] Yeah, I will be right there. Hey Oscar, what if I'm getting a promotion?
Oscar: I hope that's it, Kevin.
Kevin: Me too. Cause then, I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.
Toby: Hi, Kevin. Look, I need to talk to you about-
Kevin: Hi.
Oscar: Guys? Excuse me. Um, a quick word, please just..
Kevin: Oscar, we're in the middle of talking.
Oscar: Oh, you're right I'm so sorry. Snack machine on me. [gives Kevin money]
Kevin: Oh that is nice. Classy move. [leaves]
Dwight: [yelling in break room] That's what I'm saying! No of course not!
Kevin: What are you doing?
Oscar: Those figures I gave you? They're false.
Toby: How?
Oscar: I was mad at Kevin, we had a fight and I acted vindictively.
Toby: So you set him up.
Oscar: Yes, he's innocent.
Toby: I knew it. I knew it from the beginning it was possible.
Oscar: What are you talking about? I just did this now.
Toby: A few years ago, when I was on the jury of the Scranton Strangler..
Oscar: Sure.
Toby: I always thought he might have been set up but I felt pressured to convict.
Oscar: That's gotta be tough.
Toby: Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.
Nellie: The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Shrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Shrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time?
Dwight: My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!
Erin: That's yours?
Andy: That's the family boat!
Erin: Oh my gosh, Andy! This is enormous!
Andy: Right?
Erin: I thought it was gonna be tiny. Oh my gosh it's beautiful. So this is how your family came to America.
Boat Guy: Move.
Andy: Sorry?
Boat Guy: Trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way.
Andy: Sure, I um..I didn't know.
Boat Guy: I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people.
Andy: Ok.
Erin: Gee, he was salty.
Andy: Geez, a little bit. [to boat] How you doing old buddy? Missed you.
Erin: What does that one do?
Andy: It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing.
Erin: I wish I had seen you do it.
Andy: Really?
Erin: Yeah.
Andy: [Begins raising sail] Up she goes!
Boat Guy: Don't do that. Don't do that.
Andy: Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me.
Boat Guy: Nope. Can't do that.
Andy: You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. [begins raising sail, boat guy slaps his hand]
Boat Guy: We've already started boarding. And no one is insured to rig her up right now except us.
Andy: You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- [Raises sail, guys slaps hand again] wow.
Boat Guy: I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch.
Andy: Ok, fine.
Boat Guy: OK.
Andy: Yeah, fine.
Boat Guy: Good stuff.
Andy: Good stuff. Nice stuff. [begins raising sail again when guy leaves, but he comes back and smacks Andy's hand again] [bleep] Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah.
Erin: Well, we're doing it. We're finally having a picnic on the boat.
Andy: I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it.
Erin: Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man.
Andy: Fine. But I could have.
Erin: As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain.
Andy: I am the captain.
Erin: Yeah.
Andy: Right?
Erin: Yeah.
Andy: I'm the captain. [to boat guy] Hey, charm school.
Boat Guy: What?
Andy: I'm taking it over from here.
Erin: Nice!
Boat Guy: I hate to uh, ruin this moment...or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in 10 days.
Andy: Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there.
Boat Guy: OK, no. I already said, you're not getting back your deposit.
Andy: Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater?
Nellie: For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson [points to Jim].
Jim: [using black voice] Good afternoon! [Darryl smacks his arm]
Dwight: Please sir! Spare him. Please.
Jim: Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin' at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record!
Dwight: Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in.
Nellie: Oh, Mr. Shrute, there's really no need to, um involve Mr... Wallace.
Erin: Do you even know what you're doing?
Andy: Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. [Opens door, Andy's brother is passed out inside] Walt?
Walt Jr.: Oh god, thank goodness you're here. I was having a little trouble with this door. Yesterday. I um, I think it was yesterday.
Andy: I thought you were in rehab.
Walt Jr.: Yeah, uh, I just, I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way. God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up! How did you even know I was in here?
Andy: I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda.
Erin: Bahamas, Andy.
Andy: Same thing. [To Walt] Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on.
David Wallace: [On phone] Hello?
Dwight: David, is that you?
David Wallace: Dwight?
Dwight: Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok?
David Wallace: Yeah? Are you ok?
Dwight: Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David.
David Wallace: Well, thanks Dwight.
Dwight: You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok?
David Wallace: Dwight?
Dwight: Walk out of the house...
David Wallace: What?
Dwight: ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.
David Wallace: Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go.
Dwight: [enters main office, group claps] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard?
All: Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute! Shrute!
Dwight: [joins in] Shrute! Shrute!
Dwight: Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.
Kevin: Well Oscar, I did not get the promotion. He just wanted to update my personal information.
Oscar: Well, I am sorry Kevin.
Angela: Why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion?
Kevin: You know what Angela? I- Oh my god. [Senator enters]
Angela: Honey! What are you doing here?
Senator Liptop: I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today. Oscar, you're looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise? [touches Oscar's shoulder. Oscar jumps away quickly]
Oscar: No.
Angela: Oscar? What is going on? What was that?
Senator Liptop: What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to be friendly.
Oscar: You know what? I'm sorry. I overreacted. Because I'm stressed out. Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who-
Kevin: Come on Oscar, we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. Senator Lipton has a big election next week. We all need to give him our support. [claps, group joins]
Senator Liptop: Well, thanks everybody.
Kevin: It is really cool! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Oscar: U..s..a. U-
Oscar: I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. Uh, he showed a lot of self-control.
Kevin: I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!
Andy: Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever!
Erin: [Standing on dock] Oh, you know. Just being a good girlfriend.
Andy: [pulling away from dock] Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy!
Erin: Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy. Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think it would have been really fun and romantic.
Andy: [waving from boat] I'll see you in three weeks!
Erin: OK!
Walt Jr.: Hey bro! It was here all along. [holding guitar]
Andy: No way!
Walt Jr.: Way!
Andy: Erin I gotta go![Walt begins playing] Them's my chords!
Pete: Hey. She's back.
Erin: Thanks for covering the phones.
Pete: Yeah, no problem. How was it?
Erin: Fine.
Pete: Hey, some buddies of mine are going to Poor Richard's for beers and pool, you wanna come? I can't promise you too much, but uh, you might get to meet my friend flipper.
Erin: Does he have a flipper?
Pete: Oh. Nope. It's not that, he uh, uh he flipped a table one time when he was drunk.
Erin: He sounds like an idiot.
Pete: Yeah, he is.
Erin: Ok.
Pete: Ok.
Erin: Thanks.
Pete: Yeah.


Andy: [on computer screen] Ah, what else? I've seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know?
Everyone: Whoa!
Pam: Andy.
Andy: That Swayze sure can dance dirty.
Phyllis: Don't you have any sunblock?
Andy: No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They're like two flaming meatballs in my skull.
Erin: Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family's boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song - No, woman. No cry.
Andy: [on computer] Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That's what I call the sun now.
Darryl: Andy, it's Darryl. Take your drawers off your head.
Andy: What else can I show you? Oh, damn it!
Erin: Oh, Andy, was.. was that your drinking water?
Andy: Yeah, it was. That's okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow!
Everyone: Oh!
Andy: Ah! That's not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? [laughs crazily]
Darryl: He's been sailing for two days.
Andy: [on computer] I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains.
Erin: [laughing] Yeah.
Andy: No. No! Nooo! [computer falls into ocean]
Erin: Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy. Oh.
Dwight: [answering phone] Dwight Schrute. [turns on speakerphone] Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town?
David: [on speakerphone] Well, I have some very exciting news.
Dwight: And you didn't call Jim - that seems significant.
Jim: Hi, David.
David: Jim, good! You should hear this too.
Dwight: No, he shouldn't.
Jim: [taking away Dwight's handset] Go ahead David, I'm listening.
Dwight: Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don't know where I'd put you.
David: Guys, listen, this is big news. The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office the day before yesterday. They've apparently just dropped the supplier they've been with for the last ten years. .
Dwight: The White Pages.
Dwight: The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There's a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing 'the White Whale'. Look at all that sweet blubber.
David: Look, we need our top salesman running point on this and Dwight, that is you.
Dwight: I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a second. [presses hold button] Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where's Stanley?
Erin: He's in the bathroom.
Dwight: Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?
Erin: Of course.
Dwight: Yeah! Okay. [presses button again] Hey David, I'm back.
Erin: [from the kitchen] Eat it Stanley!
Dwight: So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account?
David: No, I spoke with the receptionist over there. It's someone new but she didn't catch her name.
Dwight: Her name?
Phyllis: No, hey, Dwight shouldn't...
Dwight: Shhh! [clears throat] Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!
David: Good luck!
Dwight: Good luck to you. [disconnects call]
Phyllis: Dwight, you can't go. You have a problem with women. You can't sell to them.
Dwight: That is a damnable lie. I love women.
Phyllis: Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her 'gy-na' for your entire meeting.
Nellie: Ew. That's not good.
Phyllis: Yeah, she said she corrected him five times.
Dwight: 'Gy-na' said that?
Phyllis: Guys, we can't let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back.
Meredith: Hey remember that week in the 90's when we got bagels?
Creed: I miss Clinton.
Pam: Can you go instead?
Jim: I can't. I have the thing.
Jim: I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I'm helping start. Ah, first board meeting. Also, the first time I've ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong.
Pete: Okay, call down. It's just me, not Tom Selleck.
Guys in breakroom: [laughter]
Kevin: Nice!
Pete: Toby got us all to participate in Movember. It's a charity for prostate cancer. You pledge money and then you grow a mustache for the month of November.
Clark: So, this is how we look now. I hope you like being turned on all the time.
Darryl: Daaaaamn! It just keeps on coming, huh?
Toby: I have very fertile hair glands.
Toby: I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember. We have the dopest time back in the annex.
Clark: God!
Toby: We even go to lunch, pick up babes.
Toby: [to passing female pedestrian] Smile if you love men's prostates.
Angela: Hi.
Oscar: Hi.
Angela: Spring cleaning?
Oscar: More like fall cleaning. [chuckles]
Angela: [whispering] I think the senator is having an affair.
Oscar: [dropping desk drawer] This doesn't... I'm sorry. Wha... what?
Angela: I think the senator is having an affair.
Oscar: I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens. I wake up in a sweat. And then I make Angela's husband spoon me back to bed.
Angela: When he comes home in the morning, he has this secret little smile.
Oscar: Oh, I'm sure ...that's nothing.
Angela: And he's always at the yoga studio. He never misses the noon class - it's Hot Yoga with Blake.
Oscar: Angela, Blake's also a guy's name so he... may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake. So nothing to worry about. Huh. Blake. Who is Blake?
Angela: I don't know.
Oscar: I just never heard about the senator and yoga...
Angela: Right.
Oscar: From you. I'm sure it's probably nothing. But what's with the yoga already?
Angela: Right?
Oscar: And Blake! All right Angela, calm down! We need to go check this out.
Angela: What?
Oscar: Angela, I'll go with you.
Phyllis: So, uh, show us how you'd normally sell to a female client.
Dwight: Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog.
Pam: You've got this Schrute.
Phyllis: Okay, you just walked into her office and begin.
Dwight: Hello.
Erin: Hello.
Dwight: May I please speak to your boss?
Phyllis: No, she is the boss.
Erin: I am? Hmm.. [deep voice] Hi, I'm Mr. Hannon. How can I help you?
Dwight: Okay, this isn't working for me, 'cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss.
Erin: He's absolutely right. I'm really struggling.
Pam: Oh, I'll be the buyer.
Dwight: [sighing]
Pam: Hello, Mr. Schrute, nice to see you. Please have a seat.
Dwight: I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes
Phyllis: No actually, she likes to take her time discussing her needs.
Dwight: I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I'm finished, it's over.
Pam: Okay, let's stop here. Anyone have any thoughts?
Dwight: I thought it went great.
Nellie: I have uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? Two, how many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me?
Business partner: [on phone] Okay lets get started.
Jim: Yeah, I'm here. Are we all on?
Business partner: Uh,, well you're the only one 'on' - we're all here.
Jim: [nervous laughter] Right. Okay, uh, over the next three months...
Kevin: That's the winter season., three months.
Jim: I uh, I have some ideas, actually...
Business partner: Are you at your office right now?
Jim: [hushed voice] Uh yeah. Trust me, I'd rather be with you guys.
Business partner: [laughing] Uh, yeah, that sounded kinda spooky-sexy, over here Halpert.
Jim: Oh, [clearing throat, deeper voice] Sorry, I uh... was just saying that we should uh...
Business partner: Whoa. [laughing] I think there's been a bit of a mistake. We're trying to reach Jim Halpert, not Batman.
Jim: [laughing] Um, you know what? I.. should have just had... I should have just had you call me on my cell.
Business partner: Uh, yeah...
Jim: I'm gonna try a different spot. Okay?
Business partner: Okay, yeah.
Jim: Okay, I'll call you right back.
Kevin: What's happening in three months?
Pam: Okay, when you're selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight. Also you want to respect their... Are you listening now?
Dwight: Yes.
Pam: Okay, well you have to show us.
Dwight: That's impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don't vibrate at all.
Pam: Huh. [nodding] Uh huh.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Pam: A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it?
Dwight: Kind of.
Pam: Nellie, why don't you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you're listening.
Nellie: Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I've commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way.
Erin: It's just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person.
Dwight: I am a person.
Erin: Yes.
Nellie: And then we thought we'd ' I can't. I just can't carry on with that face. Look at it. I'm gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he's laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh.
Dwight: That's a bit extreme.
Nellie: No, I'm sorry but that is true.
Meredith: He's screwed. They're meeting in less than an hour.
Phyllis: Oh, all right. God, Dwight, just ignore every instinct you have. It's all garbage okay? You're the woman, I'm the salesman, watch what I do and try to learn.
Dwight: Okay, I'm a woman. [high voice] I'm a woman. Good?
Phyllis: Ms. Thomas, so good to see you.
Dwight: Hello.
Phyllis: Oh, are those your kids? They're so cute! They could be models.
Dwight: Thank you. I'm so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina.
Meredith: Booo! Weird.
Nellie: No.
Phyllis: Okay, yeah. This is a lost cause. It's hopeless.
Pam: Ten years ago, I didn't care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I'm like, that poor gimp is somebody's child.
Pam: You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women.
Dwight: Look, I have no problem with women. It's businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don't lie about your shoulders!
Pam: Dwight, listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who is a nice, reasonable person in your experience?
Dwight: I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Pam: Okay, so, when you're selling to this woman, just imagine that she's that nice, reasonable barber.
Dwight: Okay, I can do that.
Pam: Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps.
Dwight: He used to fight dogs.
Pam: Like, he used to make dogs fight? Or he actually fought dogs?
Dwight: Little of this, little of that.
Angela: Which one is the instructor? There all fatties.
Oscar: Angela! [whispering] Angela. There.
Angela: Where?
Oscar: [whispering] On the stairs. Stay calm. Stay down. Oh, so wait. Blake is a her.
Angela: Oh my God! She's so stunningly tiny! She's like a petite double zero, for sure. For sure! Holy cow! Look at what they're doing.
Oscar: She's repositioning his hips for downward facing dog.
Angela: [gasps] I've heard of this - dog style. Oh wait. Oh look Oscar, Thumbelina has a boyfriend! And he has a ponytail - ew. I'd like to see that run for office. Oscar, you were right. I had nothing to be worried about. Thank you. Let's go.
Oscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Angela: Ow.
Oscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut up, hold on. Shh. Hold on. Sorry. Look.
Pete: [sound effect of throwing ball]
Toby: This is fun. You know? I mean, this is fun.
Jim: What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in -
Business partner: [on phone] It was in what? Jim, we're having a lot of trouble hearing you.
Jim: The... the... the... what I was saying is the real genius was...[car alarm blaring] was in the...
Hank: Hey! Are those skateboarders back?
Business partner: [on phone] Jim? Jim, are you there?
Hank: Where are they?
Jim: It was, uh in the authentic design, right? So I mean, you really felt like Michael Jordan was wearing these shoes, so ...
Meredith: Who was messing with my van?
Jim: Nobody!
Business partner: [on phone] Jordan wore them for nobody? We're not following you, Halpert.
Jim: No, no, no.
Hank: This ends now!
Secretary: Have a seat. Um, she will be right in.
Pam: Oh, great. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you mind telling me her name? I realized we don't have it.
Secretary: Uh... um she'll be right in.
Pam: Okay, great.
Dwight: [to himself] Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it.
Pam: Oh my God. It's Jan.
Dwight: Oh, dear God in heaven.
Pam: Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met.
Jan: You son of a bitch. You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
Pam: Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said that?
Pam: Forget everything we taught you. Hey, Jan! It's so great to see you.
Jan: Where's Wallace?
Pam: What?
Jan: I was under the impression that David Wallace would be coming. He bought back Dunder Mifflin, correct?
Dwight: Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off. [laughs]
Pam: Sorry. Um, David is in Vermont. Did you speak with him? He sent Dwight instead.
Jan: Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont.
Molly: Oh, my God. Um, I talked to his assistant. And I guess it did get a little confusing 'cause you said not to tell anyone your name. And then also, those bluetooths are very hard to hear with. I know you love the way they look, but Tom never had us use them...
Jan: Molly. I am not Tom. I am Jan.
Molly: I'm so sorry Jan.
Jan: I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with uh, David Wallace after all these years. Oh, well. What are you doing?
Dwight: Listening.
Jan: Stop.
Dwight: Sorry.
Jan: Stop that.
Dwight: Okay.
Pam: So this was all just a trick. You don't really have any business to give?
Jan: No, I do.
Pam: But not to us.
Jan: Insightful, Pam.
Pam: You did good, Dwight. It's okay. I mean, seriously, Jan's not normal. Let's just go. She's not going to sell to us.
Dwight: Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I'll be right back.
Pam: What?
Jan: Pam?
Pam: Yeah.
Jan: I'm a very busy woman, so...
Pam: Yeah. Um, do you have any other pictures of Astrid?
Jan: Fine. I will show you one... slide show.
Pete: Erin, did this call...
Erin: Uh!
Pete: What?
Erin: Sorry, I uh, just saw your face.
Pete: Oh, I'm sorry. It's for the thing.
Erin: I know. That's great. It just - it makes it look like there's an eyebrow in the middle of your face.
Pete: Wow.
Erin: A handsome eyebrow, but, um... it makes your mouth look like an eye socket... which isn't bad.
Pete: Uh-huh.
Erin: But um, you look like a cyclops whose eye... fell out... Which is great. It's such a great cause.
Pete: Yeah.
Erin: [chuckles]
Jan: [audio from slide show, singing] Mommy, you're a princess. Mommy, you're a superstar. Mommy you're the greatest. How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es?
Pam: Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever.
Jan: Aw.
Pam: And it is so cute how she signs her name.
Jan: [chuckles] Well, that - that was - that was me too.
Pam: Oh, okay. It's just that's how Cece does it with the backwards 'E's.
Jan: Cece can't spell her name.
Pam: Oh, actually she can.
Jan: Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, 'Cece' is two letters and 'Astrid' is... I mean, there's even some adults who - who - who can't spell it.
Pam: Of course.
Jan: Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam.
Pam: Um... 'A'... 'X'? I don't - you got me.
Jan: Don't patronize me.
Pam: [whispering] I'm so sorry. I hate this. You're better.
Angela: [whispering] Okay, we should go now. Let's go.
Oscar: [stammering wildly] Just wait. Just a minute. Just watch. [scoffs]
Angela: Wait. Why are you... Oh. are you getting your jollies right now? Can't get enough of the show? Your jollies are all on fire -
Oscar: [whispering] Please. It's Robert who's enjoying it.
Angela: What?
Oscar: This could be the affair that you're scared of. Politicians are wonderful liars. You never know who they really are. [pause] But uh, he's probably not gay. He's straight. He's straight, so...
Pam: Mm. Excuse me. Could I get some more water?
Jan: No.
Dwight: Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I've got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Clark: Where's the Quizno's?
Dwight: You're the Quizno's. [chuckles] Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn't quite meeting your needs - nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name?
Jan: I - I -
Dwight: Hmm?
Jan: I don't recall. And yes, Molly is crap.
Pam: Okay, you do not have to do this.
Clark: Do what? Get into sales? That's what I want.
Dwight: He's been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.
Jan: Will you uh, [clicks tongue] you. Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight you can go. I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business.
Dwight: Very good.
Jan: [to Clark] Do you have a valid passport?
Jim: Jim Halpert.
Colin: [on phone] Hey, it's Colin.
Jim: Hey man. I am so sorry about that.
Colin: I know. Don't worry about it.
Jim: [laughs]
Colin: It's just... it's not totally working.
Jim: Yeah. No, I know. This whole telecommuting thing - not ideal. But don't worry. I'll figure it out.
Colin: Yeah, well, it's not just not ideal. I mean, with you there, I don't know how we're gonna do this.
Jim: Uh, what does - what does that mean?
Angela: Oscar, what is happening here? Why would you say you think the senator might be gay?
Oscar: I don't know, Angela. I'm dehydrated. Maybe... You heard me wrong. We should just go.
Angela: Look, look, look. Here he comes. Here he comes. What is he doing?
Oscar: He's making a phone call.
Angela: [ducking under table with Oscar] Oh. Oh.
Oscar: [phone vibrates, rings]
Pam: Oh, hey, Molly. You should just quit.
Molly: Thanks. Okay.
Dwight: Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can't be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings.
Pam: Dwight, that was really nice. You should ask for her number.
Dwight: Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL.
Pam: That's a license number?
Dwight: That's all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know.
Pam: Oh. Why me?
Dwight: Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It's like air to you people. Ugh, God. [retching]