Rolando: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando. Oh yes, she's been expecting your call. [knocks on door]
Karen: Yeah.
Rolando: Karen? He's on line one.
Karen: Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How's Scranton?
Karen: I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.
Karen: Look, All I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye.
Karen: Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay?
Michael: This is perfect.
Dwight: He looks like your twin.
Michael: This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.
Dwight: I will know.
Michael: But, you will not tell anyone.
Dwight: I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah.
Michael: Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. [knock on the door] Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?
Stanley: I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.
Michael: Just go out, and come back in.
Stanley: I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it.
Michael: What?
Michael: Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.
All: [applause]
Michael: No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.
Jim: Oh, I don't think that is what's happening.
Michael: Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley: I think it's because of my sales record.
Michael: That could not possibly be it.
Michael: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.
Michael: How can I get you to stay?
Stanley: Money.
Michael: Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving.
Stanley: Money.
Michael: Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were-
Stanley: Money.
Michael: Pssh, kay.
Pam: Oscar, did you bring it?
Oscar: To be Edwardian. His best work.
Pam: Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware.
Oscar: Sure thing Pam, can't wait.
Pam: Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive.
Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.
Jim: So tell me again why I can't be part of your club?
Pam: Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.
Jim: Oscar?
Pam: Some people.
Karen: [on phone] Hello?
Michael: Fillipellers, how's it hanging?
Karen: Michael...
Michael: To the left?
Karen: Listen, I-
Michael: To the right?
Karen: I'm-
Michael: Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.
Karen: You called me.
Michael: Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.
Karen: I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him.
Michael: No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby.
Karen: Toby's not a salesperson.
Michael: You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours.
Karen: Oooh. Good-bye Michael.
Michael: Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? [Karen hangs up]
Pam: I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica.
Michael: Hi Ben, Michael Scott.
Ben: Hi Michael.
Michael: I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
Ben: Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?
Pam: [giggles]
Michael: [to Pam] Get out. [to Ben] Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.
Ben: Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?
Michael: No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say?
Ben: Seriously?
Michael: What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House.
Dwight: Found him!
Michael: Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.
Jim: So what are you going to do?
Michael: What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples.
Jim: Did they?
Michael: Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove, what the hell is that music?
Pam: It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things.
Michael: That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll. Alright? [sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups] Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I- I have no words.
Jim: We just passed the exit for Corcroan.
Michael: What? What? We did?
Dwight and Michael: Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Michael: Look at his face! Look at his face!
Jim: What are we doing?
Dwight: Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah.
Michael: What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?
Dwight: Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today.
Michael: We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing.
Jim: We're going to Utica?
Michael: Uh-huh.
Jim: I'm not going to Utica right now.
Michael: Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim.
Jim: No.
Michael: We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.
Michael and Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica!
Michael and Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica!
Michael: In your face
Dwight: Yow!
Jim: I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.
Michael: Are you calling Karen?
Jim: No, I'm not calling Karen.
Dwight: He's lying.
Michael: Yep, get it.
Jim: What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight!
Dwight: [throws Jim's cell phone out of the window] Gah-ah-hah-ha!
Jim: Are you kidding me?
Dwight: No communication with the outside world Jim.
Michael: It had to be done, it had to be done.
Jim: Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it, so...
Dwight: Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Hey Dwight, he found it.
Jim: You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here.
Michael: Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever.
Jim: Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?
Michael: Do you really wanna know?
Jim: Oh, God. [hangs up phone]
Michael: Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.
Dwight: Or real bombs.
Michael: No, no, not real bombs.
Dwight: Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.
Michael: Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know.
Jim: No.
Michael: It could be badass. Yeah, it will.
Jim: No, no absolutely we are not doing this.
Dwight: Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass.
Jim: Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?
Michael: Teach her to offer Stanley more money.
Jim: So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.
Michael: So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim: What?
Michael: I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is...
Jim: Okay, you know what?
Michael: ...awesome.
Jim: Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?
Michael: Okay, I will start. Um, 'A.' [singing] 'A' my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell... Damn it! What do we sell? Um...
Jim: It doesn't matter.
Michael: I'm trying to think of what we could sell.
Jim: Doesn't matter.
Michael: Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound... The air-conditioning leaking or something?
Jim: That doesn't make sense, couldn't be.
Michael: What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight: I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim: Oh my God!
Michael: Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!
Dwight: Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.
Jim: Michael, watch the road!
Dwight: Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael: I'll kill you man!
Jim: Michael! Michael, pull over!
Michael: That is just so disgusting!
Jim: Pull over, pull over!
Dwight: I think I cut my penis on the lid!
Oscar: Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?
Toby: I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic.
Pam: And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right?
Andy: [joins them at the table] Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Andy: Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious Pam.
Pam: Uh, I'm sorry Andy, but this is a closed club.
Andy: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety.
Andy: Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading.
Toby: Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club.
Andy: Why can't I be in the club?
Jim: I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening.
Dwight: Believe it.
Michael: Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?
Jim: No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car.
Michael: Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I-
Jim: Guy's going by. Shh.
Michael: You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.
Dwight: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.
Jim: No, no, you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim: Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please?
Dwight: Okay, Jim.
Jim: Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go.
Dwight: Let's move! Move, move, move, move!
Jim: Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done.
Pam: I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. [Kevin dumping change in the snack machine] And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention.
Kevin: Damn it!
Pam: It just- [Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine] To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh...
Oscar: Yes.
Kevin: Damn it! [banging machine]
Pam: Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer.
Oscar: Very brave. [Phyllis beeping microwave in the background]
Pam: Very brave choice also, I thought.
Oscar: And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. [Phyllis still beeping the microwave] Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um... What are you microwaving!?
Phyllis: Popcorn.
Pam: Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?
Phyllis: Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.
Andy: So, Stanley, are you really outta here?
Stanley: Yep, looks that way.
Andy: I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.
Michael: [from the walkie-talkie] We are in a stairwell.
Dwight: [from the walkie-talkie] We are climbing some stairs.
Dwight: I'm breathing heavily.
Jim: Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.
Dwight: Well...
Michael: There's a guy, there's a guy.
Dwight: There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?
Michael: Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close.
Dwight: I can see the security guard's eyes.
Jim: No, no, don't do anything to them.
Dwight: I have to do something to his eyes.
Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.
Jim: Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.
Michael: We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim: Isn't that thing huge?
Michael: It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim: No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this.
Michael: Aha! [crashing]
Dwight: My hip bone!
Michael: We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us.
Dwight: Don't leave us!
Michael: Save yourself!
Dwight: Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!
Jim: Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-
Michael: Dwight, you gotta move!
Jim: Damn it guys!
Michael: Dwight, could you move over a little bit.
Dwight: I'm losing control of my bladder.
Jim: Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back!
Dwight: Did you say Karen?
Michael: Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim.
Jim: No, I'm not doing that.
Michael: Just say you wanna get back together.
Jim: No, I'm not doing that!
Michael: It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies.
Karen: Jim?
Jim: Hey Karen.
Karen: Uh, what are you doing here?
Jim: First of all, hi.
Karen: What are you doing here?
Jim: You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so...
Dwight: Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.
Jim: Copy that.
Karen: I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good.
Karen: Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight: Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael: [whispers] Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. [they get up to leave]
Karen: Jim, hang on a second?
Jim: Yes?
Karen: So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?
Jim: Yeah, trying to quit though.
Karen: If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult.
Jim: Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy seeing you, right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you...
Karen: [huffs]
Jim: I mean, it's just that- [clears throat] You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see... you...
Karen: Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you.
Jim: [slinking out of the room] Alright, you are welcome. I'm going to go because of, um, traffic.
Karen: Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm.
Jim: I... will... [gives up and walks away]
Michael: We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad.
Michael: Um, wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart. [knock on the door] I can't do this.
Stanley: Michael? A word?
Michael: Of course.
Stanley: I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? [laughs] Sometimes I say crazy things.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility.
Jim: Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?
Pam: [nods head yes]
Andy: Oh-oh, come on!
Jim: [Irish accent] Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I.
Oscar: Okay, did you get it out of your system.
Jim: Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read.
Toby: Fun?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Toby: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Toby: What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?
Jim: No, that wasn't fun.
Toby: Did you even read it?
Jim: Of course I read it.
Oscar: How does it end?
Toby: Who was the main character?
Jim: Angela. Nope. The ashes.
Pam: [mouths 'I'm sorry' to Oscar]
Andy: And let me just add, that as a member of The Finer Things Club, I would bring a strong financial contribution to any discretionary funds that we may have. Finally, here is a recommendation from former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum.
Oscar: Okay, that's enough, uh. Thanks, Andy.
Andy: Mmmhmm. [leaves]
Toby: He's gonna ruin everything.
Pam: Oh, my God. His letter of recommendation from Rick Santorum is three fifty-dollar bills.
Oscar: Wow. Now we can afford hard-cover books.
Toby: I like it just us three. [very quietly] I don't want it to change.
Toby: I love The Finer Things Club. My ex-wife used to have a book club, and I would read their book and sometimes listen from the kitchen.
Angela: The Finer Things Club was not sanctioned by the Party Planning Committee. Renegade clubs are dangerous. I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group. They didn't need to gather. It was just gross.
Meredith: [slurping her from her big cup] I don't know why I'm not in The Finer Arts Club [slurring]. It's bullcrap. [throws her cup on the floor, something splashes on the camera] You clean it up.
Andy: [opens envelope Toby has handed him] Dear Andrew Bernard, after carefully examining your application to The Finer Things Club, we are unable to offer you a position at this place and time. We would, however, like to place you on a list in case an opportunity arises when your inclusion can be tolerated. Your position as an ongoing financial patron, however, is yours to cherish. Sincerely, The Finer Things Club. [pauses to consider] Yeees! [to Phyllis] I got waitlisted.
Andy: I got into Cornell off the Wait List. A lot of people were like, 'Oh, you just got into Cornell because your dad donated a building.' No. Okay. I got into Cornell because I'm smart. I'm smart enough to have a dad who donates buildings to things.
Michael: Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden... is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys.
Michael: Woo! Shotgun!
Jim: Well, you're driving, right?
Michael: Yes, I am, but I want shotgun for you.
Jim: Mmm... I'd prefer to sit in back.
Dwight: Wait! I wanted to sit next to you.
Michael: No, Dwight! Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me. You're gonna sit in the back left where I don't have to see your ugly moongob.
Dwight: Okay, that is so mean! You know what, I'm not going.
Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Dwight, you're handsome. You're a very handsome man, get in the car.
Dwight: Woohoo!
Pam: [on phone] So, there was no sales call.
Jim: Nnnno. Uh, turns out, it was just a really bad idea involving fire. But I think I fixed it.
Pam: Wait, you're going along with this now?
Jim: I have to. Pam, if I'm not there, someone's going to go to jail. Or die.
Pam: Right. And, you wouldn't be able to talk to Karen.
Jim: Well, I promise you that has nothing to do with it.
Pam: A little bit.
Jim: Well, yeah I don't want to see her get physically harmed, that's for sure.
Pam: Because you love her? [baby voice] Because you love her very much?
Jim: All right, I'm gonna go now.
Pam: Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend!
Jim: Okay, I will. [idiot voice]
Pam: I'm kidding around. We joke about that stuff all the time. I'm not really the jealous type, so, I don't care if Jim sees Karen. I care a little.
Security guard: They sprayed me in the eye. [Dwight and Michael are trapped by/under a copier in the stairwell]
Dwight: [moans] Scranton rules! [sprays Silly Spray]
Michael: Dwight! Stop it! [moans] Can you help me please, I'm being crushed.
Michael: Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room? Like I begged you to? Pam would have understood. Heck, Pam would have done it.
Dwight: Pam is down for anything.
Jim: You embarrassed me.
Michael: You embarrassed us.
Dwight: Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing.


Toby: I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did.
Meredith: I love camping. [in a singing voice] Anything can happen.
Toby: Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. [Michael walks in]
Michael: Morning.
Toby: Michael.
Pam: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a 'get to know you' weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
Pam: Did you sleep in cabins?
Toby: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.
Phyllis: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. [Michael laughs]
Phyllis: Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited.
Pam: Who went?
Toby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, 'No more s'mores, no more s'mores.' [everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room]
Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside]
Michael: [from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
Toby: Michael wasn't invited.
Michael: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real.
Jim: Got it.
Michael: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim: Absolutely, yes.
Jim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah?
Michael: Oh, you wanna go today?
Jim: And I am always busy.
Jim: Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood.
Michael: How often can you actually donate blood?
Jim: Is there a limit?
Michael: Your body only has a certain amount.
Jim: Well, is that it? Or?
Michael: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.
Jim: How so?
Michael: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands]
Jim: What's that?
Michael: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself-
Jim: Right.
Michael: In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.
Jim: Not gonna change.
Michael: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.
Jim: I thought we had that looked at.
Michael: I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place.
Michael: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called 'Survivorman.' And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.
Michael: OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.
Dwight: [winks] I'm on it. [leaves room]
Michael: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what...
Dwight: Let's see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael's desk]
Michael: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight.
Dwight: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, 'Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.' Well I say, 'It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.'
Michael: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.
Pam: Do you want me to ask where you're going?
Michael: No.
Pam: Great.
Michael: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Pam: Oh.
Michael: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Jim: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?
Michael: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.
Jim: OK, great.
Michael: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.
Jim: Yup.
Michael: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
Jim: That'd be great.
Dwight: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not.
Michael: This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.
Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead.
Michael: Well...
Dwight: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.
Michael: You...
Dwight: And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
Michael: You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Michael: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been- [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing?
Dwight: It would be better if you were unconscious.
Michael: No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it.
Dwight: Do you want to do this right or not?
Michael: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?
Angela: Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.
Jim: Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?
Angela: Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?
Jim: I do remember, yeah.
Angela: It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. [Jim exhales deeply] Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...
Jim: You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?
Angela: What?
Jim: There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.
Michael: [flashback to Stanley's birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
Jim: And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to 'Happy Birthday.' And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.
Michael: [flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday!
Kelly: Ahhh!! [drops the papers she was holding]
Michael: [flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room] Happy Birthday!
Oscar: Ahhh! [runs into door and Michael laughs]
Michael: [flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car] Happy Birthday!
Phyllis: Oh! [Michael laughs]
Jim: So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.
Jim: We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time.
Angela: I don't like it. [Angela leaves]
Pam: Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh?
Jim: It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?
Pam: Do you think it's a good idea?
Jim: No... I think it's a great idea.
Pam: [smiles] Hmm.
Dwight: We're here. [gets out of the car]
Michael: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.
Dwight: [leading Michael from car] Here we go. Just the two of us [gestures for camera crew to follow]
Dwight: Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?
Dwight: Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets [leads Michael into some tall grass] Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.
Jim: You know, try sending them another invoice.
Oscar: Ok.
Jim: Alright. [starts walking away, but returns] Oh, did you see my memo by the way?
Oscar: [picks up and reads memo] 'Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today.' This is really cool.
Jim: Right? I was just thinking...
Oscar: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.
Jim: Right! Exactly. [pats Oscar on the back and walks away] Knew I could count on you. [Oscar rolls his eyes]
Dwight: Good a spot as any. [They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles]
Michael: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just -
Dwight: I'm just -
Michael: Stop.
Dwight: Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off] Behold.
Michael: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight: Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape.
Michael: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug]
Dwight: Good luck, Michael.
Michael: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off]
Meredith: Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?
Jim: What's that?
Meredith: I really prefer devils food cake.
Jim: Oh, sure.
Meredith: Yes!
Jim: OK. [Meredith leaves]
Pam: Wow! That was easy.
Jim: Yeah, people like me I guess.
Creed: [knocking from outside window in break room] Jim.
Creed: I hate devils food.
Jim: Well I think Meredith was just -
Creed: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
Jim: Everybody's birthday.
Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
Jim: What do you want?
Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim: You want a birthday pie?
Creed: I want a nice cobbler.
Jim: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.
Creed: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
Jim: It will be Angela.
Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.
Michael: [to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...
Dwight: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.
Michael: There we go. [standing with short sleeves and short pants] Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts [ties jacket around neck].
Michael: I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. [puts pant leg on head like a hat]
Michael: See, this is a beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things.
Michael: Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.
Andy: Tuna. [rolls in chair to Jim's desk]
Jim: Andy.
Andy: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.
Jim: Not your birthday.
Andy: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.
Jim: Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no.
Andy: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up.
Jim: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.
Andy: Loud and clear. [rolls in chair back to desk]
Jim: Alright. [Andy rolls back]
Andy: Pizza rolls.
Jim: OK, I'm gonna go into this office here [gets up and walks into Michael's office] to do some work. So I will be in here.
Andy: Mushroom caps.
Michael: I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. [screams] Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter.
Dwight: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. [pulls a nest from a tree] I hope he finds it. [picks up some bird eggs] Lunch.
Michael: Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.
Dwight: About two more minutes [cooking bird eggs].
Michael: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.
Meredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them?
Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
Oscar: Why don't you just have an apple?
Stanley: Why don't you mind your business?
Creed: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care.
Oscar: Probably went to his head.
Creed: Yeah. [Jim enters room]
Oscar: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Hey guys, what're we talking about?
Creed: Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang.
Michael: Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy [pats a large tree trunk] may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.
Dwight: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on.
Toby: [knocks] Hey Jim.
Jim: Toby.
Toby: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.
Jim: Oh, thanks man.
Toby: Yeah...
Jim: Is there anything -
Toby: My birthday was two months ago.
Jim: Oh, OK.
Toby: There was no party.
Jim: What?
Toby: Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.
Jim: I remember that.
Toby: I don't know, I just thought you could include me.
Jim: Seriously?
Toby: I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that.
Jim: Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. [in Toby voice] I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.
Jim: OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?
Angela: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.
Toby: I'm allergic to mushrooms.
Jim: That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...[steps outside office] Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.
Pam: [raises hand] Conference room?
Jim: Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? [everyone raises hands] One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it.
Angela: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?'
Kevin: Oh, I'll take 'em.
Creed: Well nobody's touching my cobbler.
Phyllis: [raises hand] Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.
Jim: Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.
Michael: Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those [points camera to mushrooms] are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. [puts them in mouth]
Dwight: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! [runs up to Michael and knocks him over] Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. [picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth]
Everybody: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday [Michael joins in with high note] to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. [Creed blows up candles on pie]
Michael: Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want - OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something.
Michael: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [shows off computer screen scenery] I can also make it the sky.
Michael: Hey, buddy.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: What up?
Jim: Sure glad you're back.
Michael: You are relieved.
Jim: You have no idea.
Michael: So what did I miss?
Jim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Michael: Oh.
Jim: So, terrible idea.
Michael: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
Jim: You did do it?
Michael: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
Michael: That's what I said. That's what she said.
Jim: That's what who said?
Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.
Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.
Michael: Come in!
Pam: Oh, it's Creed's birthday today. Should we get him an ice-cream cake? Mint chocolate chip?
Michael: Pam, are you my friend?
Pam: Oh, no.
Michael: We have been friends forever, right?
Pam: Yes, I have been working with you forever.
Michael: Hypothetically... would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you? And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping. That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you.
Pam: I don't think so.
Pam: Here's the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation.
Michael: Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate?
Pam: I do.
Michael: So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip?
Pam: No.
Michael: Thank you for your honesty.
Pam: You're welcome. Open or closed?
Michael: Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip, please? Is Jim out there?
Pam: No.
Michael: Can you send Dwight in here?
Pam: Yeah. Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office. [Dwight runs in]
Dwight: You wanted to see me?
Michael: Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss. [Dwight closes door, takes off glasses, kneels in front of Michael's desk] Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please?
Dwight: I'm on it.
Pam: Michael has employed Dwight to track you down.
Jim: How much time do I have?
Dwight: Jim, Michael's office.
Pam: Couple minutes, give or take.
Dwight: Now, Jim!
Dwight: And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side, as sharp as you'd ever want something to be. The other side serrated for maximum damage.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument.
Michael: All right, Dexter, just give me the knife.
Dwight: Don't you want a sheath for that?
Michael: No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael] All right.
Dwight: Anything else? Flint...
Michael: MmMmm. All I need...
Dwight: Parka...
Michael: No, Dwight!
Dwight: Tent, rainfly, gorp...
Michael: I'm telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive.
Dwight: Mmmnnnnmmm...
Michael: [holding up knife] What is this called again?


Oscar: So the figures show improvement right there, Michael. And again- [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note]
Michael: I'll call back.
Kevin: You never call back.
Pam: Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-It note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every 10 minutes.
Michael: [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that says 'Good Morning'] Yeah, um, tell him I'll call him back.
Jan: [laughing]
Michael: You can't always work 200 days though.
Michael: [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that has a smiley face] Oh, no, no, no, I don't have time for this. Tell him I'm in a meeting. [Jan looks impressed]
Ryan: You have to know how to work this. There's no excuse for this.
Michael: Yep.
Ryan: I can get you a tutor if you need- [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note with a waving, smiling Hot Dog saying 'Hiya Buddy']
Michael: Oh. Ah, this is a very important client. But, I have the most important client sitting right in front of me, my boss, so I will call him later.
Ryan: Oh, no, no, no, customer service is obviously priority one. You can take the call.
Michael: N-No, money isn't everything Ryan. And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude.
Ryan: Take the call, friend.
Michael: I refuse. My house, my rules, I insist.
Ryan: I insist you take your work calls.
Michael: Uh, okay, all right. Pam, would you put the call through? [Pam pushes a button the phone] Hi buddy.
Jan: I don't know, it's just, ugh, I never felt welcomed there, you know? It's such a...boys club.
Michael: Yeah, I hate that.
Jan: Good.
Michael: So, here's the deal. Um, I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination law suit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
Jan: And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Michael: Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? I'm feeling a little queasy.
Jan: Um, no, I want it up. My hair.
Michael: Well-
Jan: Remember, it isn't just a pattern, It's a pattern of disrespect, and inappropriate behavior.
Michael: Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Jan: Does this work for you?
Michael: Yep. Tell them how much you're gonna get if you win.
Jan: Uh, come on Micheal, that's tacky.
Michael: Million dollars!
Jan: Four million.
Michael: Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers, and I have also thrown in some errs, and ahhs, to make it seem like it's not memorized.
Jan: No, Michael. Oh, come on.
Michael: Perfect crime.
Jan: Stop saying ridiculous things. He's just gonna tell the truth, the truth is-is very...you know, complicated, so we went over it carefully, and-and just so we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment.
Michael: Could we please pull over and pull down the top, I do not feel good.
Jan: Michael, I told you, I am not putting the top down.
Michael: I'm getting car sick! Ugh, I'm gonna puke. I think I'm gonna throw up.
Jan: All right, fine, just a second. Hold on.
Michael: Hey, Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Lester: A good start. And I think it's busload.
Michael: Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. [To Jan] Where did you find this guy? Hey, there he is.
Ryan: Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey hey.
Ryan: I'm glad you're here. I actually need to talk to you for a second.
Ryan: Could we talk off the record? As friends?
Michael: I would love that.
Ryan: Jan... has put the company in a very tough position here. Now you've been with us for a long time. Over 10 years, right? We just want to be sure that you won't do anything to hurt us with your testimony. Do you understand?
Michael: Abso-fruitley. Yeah. I'll-I'll do anything for the company.
Ryan: Good. That is great to hear.
Michael: It is.
Darryl: [playing ping-pong] Game, son!
Jim: All right, let's run it back.
Pam: The warehouse got a ping pong table last week. Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12.
Kelly: What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong?
Pam: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Guess whose boyfriend it is?
Pam: I don't wanna guess.
Kelly: I'll give you a hint: It's not my boyfriend. I think it's a guy over here [points to Jim].
Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact so I got the evidence right there.
Pam: Jim. Can I see you for a second?
Jim: Sure.
Jim: Wow.
Pam: Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do. You have to practice. You have to get real good and beat Darryl.
Jim: Oh, I can't beat Darryl.
Pam: Please? Kelly's trash talking me because Darryl is beating you.
Jim: What, seriously? What is she saying?
Kelly: [flashback, to Pam] Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.
Kelly: [flashback, to Pam] Jim couldn't hit a ping pong ball if it was the size of the moon.
Kelly: [flashback, to Pam] Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping pong?
Jim: So you're asking me to defend your honor against Kelly?
Pam: Sorta, yes.
Jim: Bring me players.
Pam: Okay.
Diane Kelly: Hi everyone, I'm Diane Kelly. I'm the company's chief legal counsel.
Michael: Hi. [Michael sees Toby] No, no, absolutely not. What is he doing here?
Diane: Toby?
Michael: Are you renewing your divorce vows, before my deposition?
Toby: Michael, I'm your HR Rep. I'm on your side.
Michael: Never. I want him gone. I don't talk until he leaves.
Jan: Michael, just relax, okay?
Diane: You know, I think they're, uh ready for us now. So..
Michael: Okay. All right.
Deposition Reporter: Mr. Scott. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Michael: Yessh.
Lester: Mr. Scott, can you describe the circumstances of Ms. Levinson's termination?
Michael: Well, it was not just termination. It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Lester: Oh. Very good. Well put.
Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.
Pam: Hey, Kevin. Jim needs to see you.
Kevin: About what?
Pam: He needs help balancing some travel receipts.
Kevin: Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts.
Pam: Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically. He's in the conference room.
Kevin: [enters conference room and sees ping pong table] Oh, awesome! [Pam puts 'Meeting in Progress' sign on the door]
Lester: How long have you known the plaintiff?
Michael: I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen the firm, and I am planning on renting The Pelican Brief
Lester: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Michael: Six years and two months.
Lester: And you were directly under her the entire time?
Michael: That's what she said.
Lester: Excuse me?
Michael: That's what she said.
Lester: Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior?
Michael: Uh, wh-why would she say that?
Jan: Can we just move on to another question?
Diane: No wait, I don't understand. Who's on record on saying this?
Lester: With all due respect, I'm in the middle of a line of questioning. Now Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said? Regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position.
Michael: Come again? That's what she said? I don't know what you're talking about.
Jan: Okay, if I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question?
Lester: Oh, are you sure?
Jan: Uh, yes.
Lester: Can you go back to where this digression began?
Deposition Reporter: [reading off paper] Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time? Mr. Scott: That's what she said.
Michael: Well, delivery is all wrong. She's butchering it.
Kelly: [Pam leaving bathroom, Kelly entering, awkward moment, Pam steps aside to let Kelly in] Yeah, that's what I thought.
Lester: Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
Michael: She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.
Lester: Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?
Michael: Um, to be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They... make milk.
Lester: You don't need to go any further. Her breasts.
Michael: Yes.
Lester: She thought it had something to do with her recent breast enhancement surgery?
Michael: Yes, and frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.
Lester: What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson? Could that have played a part in her termination?
Michael: Well, if it did, then the company is breaking its own rules.
Lester: Interesting. How so?
Michael: Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to HR. And I have the proof right here. [makes a gasping sound]
Diane: Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you?
Michael: I will allow it.
Diane: Um would you mind please just, uh, taking a quick look at, uh, this photograph please. [Diane hands Michael the photo of Jan and Michael in Jamaica]
Michael: Uh...
Diane: That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica, is that correct?
Michael: Uh-huh.
Diane: And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to this start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott, the timeline here is actually very important. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?
Michael: Ugh. Well, de-depends on how you define 'begin'. I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, that's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, that's like two years ago.
Diane: Wait, excuse me?
Michael: If it was the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that.
Lester: Could we take a short break?
Diane: No, uh, are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February as you previously testified to here?
Michael: Line.
Diane: I'm sorry, what?
Man: He asked for a line, like in a play.
Deposition Reporter: [reading off paper] 'Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?' 'I did?' 'Yes you did.' 'Can I go to the bathroom?' 'No.' 'I really have to, I've been drinking lots of water.' 'You went five minutes ago.' 'That wasn't to go to the bathroom, that was to get out of a question.' 'You still have to answer it.' 'First can I go to the bathroom?' 'No.'
Jim: Good game Meredith.
Meredith: Don't patronize me.
Dwight: All right! What is going on here?
Jim: Dwight! Thank God you're here. As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a ping pong master, and I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account. Can you help me out? Will you help me practice?
Jim: [Dwight and Jim are playing ping-pong, and Dwight scores] What the hell?
Dwight: I told you.
Dwight: All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao, J'rg Ro'kopf, and of course Ashraf Helmi. I even have a life size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.
Michael: Jan and I had an off again, on again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case, and I am sorry, but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.
Diane Kelly: Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know.
Lester: Wait, we'd like to enter to the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal.
Michael: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary?
Lester: This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated Janruary 4 of this past year. 'Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hehe. Oh diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere, that it was a one time mistake. But we had sex six times so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie.'
Michael: Irie.
Lester: Irie, sorry. 'More tomorrow. xoxo, Michael.' It would appear, that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word. Is that correct?
Diane Kelly: We're gonna need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed.
Michael: I don't think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary.
Diane Kelly: It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.
Man: OK, let's make ten copies of this diary.
Toby: Um, can you make it eleven?
Man: Eleven, sure. And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look.
Michael: [looking for a place to sit, goes to Toby's table] Can I sit here?
Toby: [nods] ...You know, I, uh, I know a little about what you're going through in a way. Um, when I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody, and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know, I didn't want them getting divorced in the first place you know? I loved them both so much. I just wanted... [Michael pushes Toby's food tray off the table and walks off]
Michael: How can you give up my diary like that?
Jan: I had to, I'm sorry but I need to win this. We need to win this.
Michael: How'd you even find it?
Jan: You keep it under my side of the mattress.
Michael: I don't like lump. I'm really upset about this.
Jan: Alright, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.
Michael: Fine. I love you.
Jan: I love you too.
Diane Kelly: [looking at a copy of Michael's diary] Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan? Who you refer to her as 'Just as hot as Jan, but in a different way.'
Michael: Not a woman, just a cool, great looking, best friend.
Lester: Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael or Jan were engaged in a romantic affair? Not Michael and this Ryan person.
Toby: [laughs out loud] Excuse me.
Michael: Alright, alright. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan, and yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly didn't consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful.
Diane Kelly: OK Mr. Scott, it's, it's admirable the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.
Michael: Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
Diane Kelly: Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
Michael: That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot... [Jan glares at Michael] ...of water.
Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind, uh, reading the date on that please? [slides the performance review towards Michael]
Michael: March 17th.
Diane Kelly: And that would be a month after your relationship became official, is that correct?
Michael: Yes.
Diane Kelly: You may read the, uh, highlighted portion out loud if you'd like to.
Michael: [reading the performance review] 'I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee, and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and re-assigned to sales where he belongs.'
Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott, after hearing that wouldn't you say Ms. Levinson's judgment is, at least, very seriously flawed?
Michael: [stares at Diane, eyes tearing up]
Diane Kelly: Mr. Scott?
Pam: [walks in the conference room where Jim and Dwight are playing ping-pong] How's it going?
Dwight: Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.
Jim: Check this out though, spin serve. [serves, and Dwight scores] Well, it works like 80% of the time, so...
Pam: Nice. So, should I reschedule the rematch with Darryl now?
Jim: I think I'm ready.
Pam: I'll make the call.
Dwight: Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? ...No, no, no. He works here, dumbass.
Jim: ...Right. Spin-serve! [serves, and Dwight scores]
Michael: How can you do that to me?
Jan: [looks at Lester]
Lester: You can respond, just remember it's all going into the record.
Jan: Michael, I am not the enemy, OK? Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.
Michael: Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect, with loyalty. They were going to give me your job and I should have taken it.
Jan: Alright, wait. Before you go any further, let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, OK? Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition.
Lester: Starting at paragraph 6. Council: 'Mr. Wallace, regarding Michael Scott, was he a contender to replace Jan Levinson?' David Wallace: 'Yes.'
Michael: See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed.
Lester: Council: 'Was he your first choice?' David Wallace: 'Michael Scott is a fine employee who has been with the company for many years.'
Council: Was he in the top 5 of contenders?' David Wallace: 'What do you want me to say? Come on, he's a nice guy. There were many people that I considered.' Council: 'Was he seriously being considered for the corporate job?' David Wallace: 'No.'
Lester: I have one more question, Mr. Scott. Wouldn't you agree with Ms. Levinson that the company exhibits a pattern of disrespect toward its employees?
Michael: ...Absolutely not.
Pam: [watches Jim score in ping-pong against Darryl] Yes! Way to go. [looks at Kelly] See that?
Kelly: Yeah, the floppy haired girl you date won a point.
Darryl: 19, serving 4. [serves and scores]
Kelly: Woooh! Nice baby! Nice one! [starts singing] Hey, hey, you, you! I don't like your boyfriend! Cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz he sucks at ping-pong!
Pam: You know what? I'm sick of this! Let's go, you and me!
Kelly: What?
Pam: Let's go. Pick up a paddle.
Kelly: OK. Bring it on.
Pam: I am.
Kelly: Think you can handle this?
Pam: In my sleep.
Kelly: OK. Volley for serve, P. [serves]
Pam: O. [hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net] [serves] P.
Kelly: O. [hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net]
Jim: Do you want to go play on the table upstairs?
Darryl: Yes.
David: Michael. I am very sorry.
Michael: Oh, hey no biggie. Just...
David Wallace: No, no, no, no, no. This was rough. We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this. I'm very sorry.
Michael: [nods and shakes hands with David Wallace] Hey, David?
David: Yeah?
Michael: I think you're a nice guy too.
David: Thanks, Michael.
Michael: Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York, so... You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.
Michael: [Driving with Jan in the car] What do you want to do for dinner?
Jan: How about Chinese?
Michael: Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap.
Jan: That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.
Michael: Do you fast food?
Jan: Fine, fast food's fine.
Jim: So, where did you learn how to play?
Creed: Cambodia. You?
Jim: My friend's basement. All right, ready to start?
Creed: Let's do this thing. [Creed loses the first point, tosses his paddle on the table and starts taking off his shirt. Jim retrieves the ball and looks back to see Creed with his shirt untucked and unbuttoned]
Jim: What are you doing?
Creed: We're not playing strip pong? [Jim shakes his head no] Okay. [Creed picks up paddle]
Oscar: I totally see that. [looking at spreadsheet]
Jim: Right. There, first...
Oscar: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: I think that's the question that you had...
Pam: What are you doing?
Oscar: It's a problem with the client. I think, Jim...
Pam: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. [makes 'talking' gesture with her hand] Jim, come on, we gotta get in there and practice. Okay? I'm not kidding!
Jim: Wow. [heads toward the conference room]
Pam: Now. Get good work done. Concentrate.
Jim: All right.
Pam: On your backhand. [Jim opens the conference room door and enters]
Stanley: Booyah! [laughs]
Phyllis: [laughing] Thought we were playing for fun.
Stanley: No one paid me to say 'Booyah.' Now pick up the ball.
Phyllis: But it's closer to you.
Stanley: [kicks ball toward Phyllis] Now it isn't.
Jim: What are you guys doing?
Phyllis: Oh, we're in a meeting.
Jim: Oh yeah, how long's this meeting going to last? [Stanley mumbles, looking at his watch]
Angela: [calling in, unseen] I have next meeting!
Andy: I played a lot of pong growing up. I spent a lot of time on cruise ships. I'm also a monster snorkler.
Andy: Okay, you know what, this table's not regulation.
Jim: Good eye - it's an oval. [Andy compares his arm length to his side of the conference table] You're measuring the table.
Andy: Do you know anything about physics?
Jim: Do you?
Andy: Just serve. Let's go. [hits one into net] Dammit! These balls are weighted weird, aren't they?
Jim: Yup.
Andy: Yeah. Get another one. [throws the offending ball at Jim, who takes another from his pocket]
Jim: Now, wait a minute. You're not gonna punch a wall, or me, or anything like that if you don't win the point, are you?
Andy: I don't know! No, okay, just... serve!
Michael: I have some, uh, experience. I, um, once had to testify in a traffic accident case.
Man: Then you're an old hand at this.
Michael: Yes. My testimony was actually very important, um, because the accident was my fault. [To Toby] Tell Meredith I said it another time [Toby nods].
Jan: Yes, Michael is going to be cross-examined today, which'll be very, very risky for me, nonetheless, not an easy decision to make, but it's a deposition. It's not going to be in front of a judge. And it's four million dollars.
Michael: Before we continue, I would like to make an opening statement.
Man: Fine. Please be brief.
Michael: [clears throat and stands] Ladies and gentlemen of... the... table. I would just like to say what a joy it is for me to be here today, but frankly, at my age, it's a joy to be anywhere [no one laughs]. I'm only forty-four, so I'm not old, and I guess that doesn't really play. But the point is, I have a sense of humor. And I implore you all to have a sense of humor as well. Jan, David, my wonderful girlfriend [indicates Jan, then turns to David Wallace], my gorgeous company... Why don't we all just take a big deep breath... and just relax [breathes in deeply, no one responds]. Good. That feels good [sits]. All right. Everybody feel better?
Diane Kelly: Two years ago, when you quote 'kissed and fondled in the Chili's parking lot' [Jan sighs and shakes her head], were you aware of company guidelines specifically discouraging that behavior?
Michael: Na, Na-oh, Naa-es.
Diane Kelly: Yeah, I'm sorry, that's not a word.
Michael: Ye-ohh. Ye-no.
Diane Kelly: Okay. Were you aware that when Jan was with you, she claimed to be visiting clients, or, uh, traveling to see her sister in Scottsdale?
Michael: Very nice! [Borat voice]
Diane Kelly: I'm sorry. Excuse me?
Michael: High five! [Borat voice]
Jan: Sometimes when he gets nervous he, uh, talks like Borat.
Diane Kelly: Okay, Mr. Scott, would you mind, um, speaking in your normal voice for us. Please.
Michael: [shakes head] Can't stop.
Diane Kelly: Okay [nods].
Michael: Forgot normal talk.


Stanley: This is ridiculous.
Phyllis: Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here?
Michael: Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. [to Jim] Do you have plans tonight?
Jim: Nope I don't, remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we're working.
Michael: Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! [on phone] This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! [hangs up] Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday.
Dwight: Thank you Michael.
Michael: All right, happy Friday. [to Jim] Well I think we dodged a bullet there.
Jim: I think you did.
Michael: I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?
Jim: Oh, I-
Michael: You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said.
Jim: Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit, he got me. Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate.
Dwight: Michael, what time should I be arriving?
Michael: Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy.
Andy: Hey-o!
Dwight: Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? [breaks down crying]
Jan: Hi.
Michael: Hello.
Jim: Hi.
Jan: How are you?
Michael: Come on in. Good to see you.
Jan: Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe?
Michael: Yes I would. So, what have you been doing?
Jim: Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: I have been getting ready and then driving over here.
Michael: Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing.
Jim: Really?
Michael: Except driving.
Pam: We got you this. [gives a bottle of wine]
Jan: Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with.
Michael: Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa.
Pam: It's really nice.
Jan: So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetizers first?
Jim: Tour, let's do the tour first.
Michael: Okay.
Jan: Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first?
Michael: Totally your call babe.
Jan: Alright, well, let's go then, I say upstairs.
Jim: Oh, you guys doing a little construction?
Michael: Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.
Jan: Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we're still a work in progress here.
Michael: Well, thats...
Jan: This is my office.
Michael: Yep, never been used.
Jan: Not super exciting.
Michael: No.
Jan: And this is my workspace.
Michael: This is it, check that out, can you smell that? [the room is filled with candles that say 'Serenity by Jan']
Pam: Uh-huh.
Michael: As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here.
Pam: So you have an office and a workspace?
Jan: I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. [puts a candle to Jim's nose] Smell.
Jim: It's fire.
Jan: Uh-huh, Bonfire.
Michael: Bond.
Jan: Men love this one.
Michael: James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. [clicks tongue]
Jan: When I get frustrated, or irritated or... angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away.
Jim: Just like that.
Jan: Just like that.
Jan: So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white.
Michael: Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color.
Jan: [puts away video camera facing the bed] Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up.
Michael: Well, I-
Jan: Shame on you.
Pam: What a cute bench.
Michael: Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.
Jim: Really? 'cause... seems pretty narrow... and short.
Michael: It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. [Lies down]
Jan: See, he fits perfectly.
Michael: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. [reveals a tiny TV] I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? [moves TV back a couple inches] Voila, right in the wall.
Jim: Wow.
Michael: Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table.
Jim: What is that chestnut?
Michael: No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry.
Jan: It's pine.
Jim: Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool.
Jan: Really?
Pam: Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn't have audio for a week.
Michael: If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away.
Jan: I bet you are.
Jim: Well, I saw - oh your Dundies. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see.
Jan: It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said 'Honey keep the trophies.'
Michael: Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies.
Jan: [doorbell] Oh, excuse us just a second.
Michael: I'll get it.
Jan: [Andy and Angela enter] So glad you're finally able to be here.
Angela: [Michael tries to hug Angela] No, no.
Michael: Okay.
Andy: Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? [to Pam] I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! [to Jan] These are for you. [hands flowers]
Jan: Oh, how thoughtful.
Michael: Very nice.
Andy: Except for one flower, which is for... my flower.
Jan: Aw.
Angela: What am I supposed to do with this?
Jan: How 'bout we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner?
Pam: Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it.
Jan: Oh no no no, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done.
Pam: Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00?
Jan: You know Pam, in Spain they often don't start eating until midnight.
Michael: When in Rome.
Jan: Do you have a preference, upstairs first?
Michael: Whatever you say babe.
Jan: Follow me.
Michael: All right.
Michael: How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends.
All: Cheers.
Michael: Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Jim: What was that?
Jan: So music, should we turn some music?
Michael: Yeah that sounds good.
Jan: Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter.
Hunter's CD: You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah.
Michael: You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him.
Jan: Well I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.
Angela: Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes.
Pam: [To camera] I don't care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... at a dinner party.
Andy: [playing charades] No it's a... hump. There's a hump.
Jan: Joe Camel!
Andy: Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital.
Pam: Montana.
Jan: Oh!
Pam: Joe Montana!
Andy: Yes! Yes.
Pam: Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?
Michael: All right, [rhythim clapping] my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn.
Jan: Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down?
Michae: What, no, I'm just making people laugh.
Jan: No.
Michael: Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
Jan: I was watching Jim.
Michael: And he was laughing.
Jan: No smiling.
Michael: Look at him, he's laughing.
Jim: Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests' and they're both winning. So I'm going to make a run for it. [holds cellphone]
Jim: You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage.
Pam: Oh okay.
Michael: Well you don't need two of you to do that.
Jim: That's true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam I'll see you at home, thank you so much.
Pam: Oh Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself.
Jim: I don't know because I everything I own is there.
Pam: You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party.
Michael: That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right.
Andy: Michael, you're up.
Michael: All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom-
Jan: No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes.
Michael: All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE.
Angela: I don't know.
Jim: Katie Holmes.
Michael: No, Baah! But he's married to her!
Jim: Oh, Dawson's Creek.
Michael: No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.
Jan: No rhyming!
Jim: Not really a rhyme.
Angela: Another clue, another clue.
Michael: Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator.
Angela: Those aren't helpful.
Jim: Tom Cruise!
Michael: No!
Andy: Time!
Michael: God, does anybody read the paper?!
Pam: [Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering] Oh, thank you.
Michael: You're welcome.
Jan: [eyes Pam] I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it?
Michael: I don't like that story babe.
Jan: Come on, it's a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck!
Michael: Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.
Jan: You are so right, you're so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil.
Michael: Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me!
Angela: You shouldn't joke about that.
Pam: Is there more wine in the kitchen?
Jan: I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get. It's okay, I don't mind. In fact you know what, girl's trip, Angela come on. Girl's trip.
Jan: [checking the oven] Uh, not even close.
Angela: So you keep a very tidy house.
Jan: You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam.
Pam: No, yeah. What?
Jan: Oh well don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated.
Pam: Oh, are you joking?
Jan: Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.
Pam: I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.
Angela: I've noticed how you look at him at the office.
Jan: Mmhmm.
Michael: [in the garage] So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand [the chairs are shaped like hands]. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.
Jim: Oh no she just put it in front of my face.
Michael: Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of 'Serenity by Jan' What do you think about that?
Andy: Thought about it, I'm in.
Jim: I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company?
Michael: I'm sorry. [doorbell rings] What now?
Jan: Coming! [Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler]
Dwight: Hello.
Jan: What are you doing here?
Dwight: We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right?
Pam: [whispering] Awesome.
Jan: What is he doing here?
Angela: Yes, What are you doing here?
Michael: Dwight is my friend.
Woman: We weren't invited?
Michael: You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person.
Jan: Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want.
Michael: Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?
Jan: We saw Wicked.
Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Jan: I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let's have a [bleep]ing kid.
Michael: Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away]
Jan: I hate my life.
Dwight: So can we come in?
Dwight: Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg.
Jan: [crying] I'm just gonna check on dinner. [Jan gets up from the table]
Dwight: Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?
Angela: I hate beet salad.
Woman: It's actually really good.
Dwight: Hey hey hey hey. [to Angela] I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times.
Angela: The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.
Michael: [leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
Pam: [whispers] Like... like what?
Michael: I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. [Jan serves the food] Hey, looks great babe.
Andy: Yeah it does.
Pam: I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover?
Jan: [Michael dips his steak into his wine] Can you not do that? It's disgusting.
Michael: You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that?
Jan: Oops.
Michael: Excuse me for a second. [gets up from the table]
Jim: [to babysitter] So... how do you guys know each other?
Woman: I was his babysitter.
Pam: And now you guys are dating?
Dwight: Purely carnal and that's all you need to know.
Jim: Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions...
Woman: E-mail?
Jim: Nevermind.
Michael: Ok... alright... here we go. [takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign] There. [plugs it in] Oooookay.
Jim: That's nice.
Michael: Everybody enjoying their meal?
Jan: Hey babe?
Michael: Yeah?
Jan: How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it.
Michael: No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.
Jan: Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter's CD really loud]
Michael: [to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good.
Jan: At least he's an artist.
Michael: BFD. I'm a screenwriter.
Jan: [shouting] AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!
Michael: NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!
Jan: FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!
Michael: MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!
Jan: YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!
Michael: OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!
Jan: AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST!
Michael: [yells] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.]
Woman: I'm gonna get going.
Dwight: Fine. Get outta here.
Jim: It's getting late.
Michael: You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon.
Jim: [Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door] Of course
Dwight: Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.[to police] Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers?
Officer 1: Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance?
Michael: Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Officer 2: The neighbors said they heard some shouting.
Michael: Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.
Officer 1: You wanna press charges?
Michael: Would she get into trouble?
Officer: Yes. She'd be charged.
Michael: I will take the fall. I did it.
Officer 2: You know you don't have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet.
Jan: [running out the door)] Michael! [pleading] Michael. What are you doing to him?
Officer 1: Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here?
Dwight: [puts his hand on the Officer's shoulder] Michael can come home with me.
Michael: Jim? Pam?
Jim: Oh... my apartment's on fire
Pam: [whispers] Flooded.
Jim: Flooded.
Dwight: You people. [to Michael] Come on. You're sleeping with me.
Michael: No.
Dwight: I'm gonna take you home Michael.
Michael: Nope.
Dwight: Alright. [leads Michael away]
Jan: Bye Babe!
Pam: [Pam and Jim are sitting in Jim's car in front of Detroit Coney Island Chili Dogs] This is the best burger I've ever had, babe.
Jim: You know, babe, I should have told you but... I did something bad.
Pam: Hmm?
Jim: [holds up Hunter's CD] I stole this. [Pam laughs] For you babe.
Pam: [Hunter's voice starts singing, Pam joins in] One night...
Michael: My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn't come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm... And Jan definitely, if there was room.
Dwight: I'll tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. 'Oh hey guys, welcome to my home. Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup, hope you guys are hungry.' Meanwhile, the waiter suddenly nods at me. [Dwight nods] But I don't acknowledge him. But I know he's an assassin because I trained him. Boom. Two minutes later, five dead psychopaths at my dining room table. All that's left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect the reward. Ugh, it's almost too easy.
Jan: A little amuse-bouche, anyone?
Pam: [to Jim, quietly] Food!
Jan: Okay, trivia! Does anyone know what that means?
Andy: I believe it means mouth pleaser.
Jan: Oh!
Andy: It's French. I studied some French during my semester at sea. Or, shall I say a semester at la mer, which is French for 'sea.'
Angela: Andy, was that coordinated by the Cornell Study Abroad Office?
Andy: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Angela: The reason I ask is that Andy went to Cornell.
Jan: [Michael comes out of the powder room to rejoin the group] Ahh, did you wash your hands, babe?
Michael: Yes, I did, for you, princess. Even though I only went number one. [quietly to Jim] I didn't really wash my hands. Ohhh, what have we here? This looks delicious. [picks up amuse-bouche tray]
Pam: [quietly] Not with your hands.
Michael: [touching and moving each amuse-bouche] They need to be presented... royally... anyone?
Andy: Mmm. [takes one and eats it]
Michael: Good stuff. All right. Let's get down to some wine drinking.
Pam: Oh, my God, [eating a bar in the hallway] I thought I was gonna pass out. [Jim takes it from her and takes a bite]
Jim: We should probably get back.
Pam: Mmm-mm. I'm probably just gonna stay here for a while, say I got lost.
Jan: [coming up suddenly] Are you eating?
Pam: It was just a little...
Jim: I didn't have anything, Jan.
Jan: Really, Pam. This is a dinner party. [walks away. Pam looks at Jim accusingly]
Jim: I'm sorry. She scares me. [walks away, Pam keeps eating]
Dwight: Michael's dinner party is for couples only, which is why I wasn't initially invited. But that was then. I very recently entered into a serious, monogamous relationship. [looking around] If that idiot ever gets here.
Jan: So, this girl that I basically grew up with becomes Miss West Virginia, and then suddenly, all the boys start paying attention to me. And it was funny because, you know, I never even considered myself beautiful until people started pointing it out to me. You know, 'Jan, wow, you are so much more beautiful than Miss West Virginia.' [laughs] Ah, so that is why I uh... wait, Pam, what was your, what was your question?'
Pam: Where did you grow up?
Michael: It's been a rough couple of weeks.
Jan: Well, I just got into a little trouble with the neighbors.
Michael: Little trouble. Yes. Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift.
Pam: Wow, you did neighborhood watch?
Michael: Yes.
Jan: I did, and I had a very late shift and I had a little bit of wine and I fell asleep.
Michael: So she's passed out, and some kids spray-paint a swear word on the neighbors' dog...
Jan: Yeah.
Michael: And the neighbors blamed Jan.
Jan: Yeah. But, you know, it was my fault.
Michael: It's like, you know, the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place. Anyway, it's a tragedy, really, because the paint is not gonna come off the dog until it sheds...
Jan: Mm-hmm.
Michael: So...
Jan: Yeah.
Michael: Well.
Jan: It was me!
Jim: What's that?
Jan: I spray-painted that dog. It was sleek, and shiny, and perfect little haircut, it was parading around like it was God's gift to this God-forsaken town [laughs] and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went over there and I held down my knee and I just spray-painted it until I was good and done. [claps] It bit me on the arm, [reaches out and taps Jim] I didn't even feel it.
Jan: What are you doing to him? What... [sees neighbors' dog] is this about that stupid, ugly mutt?
Neighbor: She's a Weimaraner, you bitch!
Jan: Please, please. Don't hurt him, okay?