Oscar: Oh, for God's sake. [notices Erin planking on parking lot curb]
Oscar: Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That's it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet.
Erin: Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it.
Andy: [exiting elevator] After you my good sir.
Dwight: No, I insist.
Andy: I insist.
Jim: The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California, for the manager position. Who took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don't really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.And he chose
Andy: [drumroll with hands] I it's unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice's first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer. Smart, right?
Kelly: (planking on top of cabinet] Very smart.
Andy: Uh, this has got to stop.
Kelly: I can't get down.
Dwight: K... Kevin! [Kevin planking on Dwight's desk]
Dwight: Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I've got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I'm doin' great.
Dwight: K, I'm gonna need some help. Pam?
Pam: I don't think I should.
Jim: Oh, yeah. Pregnant.
Pam: Right here. Little Michael Scott- [points to her belly]
Jim: No, I told you I don't like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early.
Pam: Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.
Angela: Look, it's a 'Little Pregs' [points to her belly] and 'Big Pregs' [points to Pam's]
Pam: Wait, when did we start calling it that-
Angela: Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes?
Pam: Well, I am a few months ahead of you.
Angela: I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman.
Dwight: Hoist him aloft. C'mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl. [trying to lift Kevin off desk]
Darryl: I'm lifting.
Darryl: Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin' much better. This soda. This is mine.
Stanley: It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.
Stanley: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do somethin'. I go on with a long description and then I say, 'and shove it up your butt.' It's stupid, but it's my thing now.
Jim: No one should be planking at all.
Andy: Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?
Dwight: Say no more.
Dwight: [starts attacking plankers] Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous. [knocks Toby off table] 'Specially with me around.
Jim: You watching that commercial again? [Pam nods] Why do you keep watching it, if you know it's just gonna make you cry?
Pam: Because everything makes me cry, so what's the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone.
Jim: He's got a bank vault. That's a start.
Pam: Not enough though.
Jim: The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It's strange.
Erin: Here we go.
Robert: Hello.
Erin: Robert California. Let's have a conversation.
Robert: Describe your day so far.
Erin: Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-
Robert: And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It's a waste of your time. That's how every day's begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.
Erin: Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I've been doing this thing-
Andy: Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning.
Andy: First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don't know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.
Erin: Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. [motions her over, both looking at Robert's notebook]
Pam: Jim. [motions him over]
Jim: [motions he is on the phone] Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. [comes over] Okay. [sees notebook with two lists of staff names] What is this?
Andy: The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?
Robert: What are your thoughts.
Andy: Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?
Dwight: What are you looking at?
Jim: It's, it's nothing.
Dwight: It can't be nothing.
Phyllis: Yeah, it can't be nothing.
Jim: It's just a list of our names, split into two columns.
Stanley: What?
Jim: Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen?
Erin: No.
Jim: No. Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?
Dwight: [throws hard, Jim doesn't catch] Nice catch.
Pam: If he comes out, distract him. [takes list to copier]
Kevin: We need a warning signal.
Jim: We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there-
Kevin: We do.
Jim: I promise you, we don't need a warning-
Kevin: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Phyllis: Ahhh! [falls out of chair]
Dwight: Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?
Phyllis: Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
Dwight: 1, 2, 3! [pulls Phyllis up]
Phyllis: Thanks guys.
Dwight: Okay, which side of the list am I on?
Jim: Left.
Dwight: Yes!
Jim: Why are you- How do you know?
Andy: Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.
Jim: Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert's notebook.
Pam: He left it at reception and we photocopied it.
Andy: Oh, okay. I don't want any part of this.
Pam: Maybe it's a list of people he's gonna fire.
Jim: Okay, it's not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.
Dwight: This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something. Who would eat who in an 'Alive' situation. No... that can't be it.
Andy: I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side's the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam.
Jim: I don't think it's-
Pam: 'Scuse me?
Dwight: Shhh, Pam. C'mon, don't be such a right-sider.
Angela: Did you guys figure it out?
Andy: We couldn't crack it.
Stanley: Go in there and just ask the man what it means.
Andy: He'll know that we looked at his private notebook.
Phyllis: C'mon, just say you saw the list by accident.
Andy: I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it's starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.
Phyllis: Yeah, that's all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day?
Robert: [Andy continuously knocking on door] Yes, for god's sake Andy. Yes, come in.
Andy: What's up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Robert: Great. Thank you.
Andy: And it was open. And people saw this. And they're just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Robert: What is this?
Andy: It's a photocopy from your notebook.
Robert: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Andy: No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Robert: Ah, please. Here's what it is. It's a doodle.
Andy: What?
Robert: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Andy: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Robert: Might as well have been sketching a cube.
Andy: Okay. Robert's in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?
Meredith: Maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group.
Jim: That's not it.
Meredith: People in the other group.
Jim: Mmum, still wrong.
Andy: Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?
Stanley: Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!
Andy: Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.
Kevin: I know! It's alphabetical.
Everyone: [separately] No.
Dwight: No, it's not. Here's how we find out. Let's line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let's just size each other up here and left side of the list' ATTACK!
Jim: Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! [Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling]
Andy: Dwight!
Meredith: Hey!
Kevin: Warning! Warning! Warning!
Robert: [enters room, everyone quiets and separates] I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.
Dwight: That's great. Let's do this guys.
Jim: Alright, well, I will see you in a bit.
Pam: I love you so much. [starting to cry]
Jim: Hey. It's nothing. Alright? I'll text you when we get there. Let you know what's going on.
Pam: Okay. [turns to computer]
Jim: Nope. No dog video.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Okay. See you guys.
Andy: Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!
Robert: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Jim: Uhhh, the street?
Robert: Sesame street.
Jim: Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo.
Robert: Elmo, god's sake, it's the Elmo era.
Jim: Right.
Robert: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree.
Jim: Yeah, she does like Elmo.
Oscar: Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.
Phyllis: Completely.
Darryl: Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.
Kevin: The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.
Toby: I should not be here. I'm in the- I was in the wrong- I'm- I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here.
Andy: Great group! Pizza party!
Kelly: How is this a pizza party?
Andy: Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.
Kelly: Yeah, well, that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.
Andy: Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?
Stanley: What's that?
Andy: Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Stanley: That's pizza.
Pam: That's regular pizza.
Dwight: You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?
Robert: I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.
Dwight: Okay!
Everyone: [separately] Awww.
Phyllis: Well, what about the other guys.
Dwight: Losers.
Robert: No.
Dwight: C'mon.
Robert: I don't- I don't wanna say-
Dwight: C'mon, c'mon.
Robert: No, no.
Dwight: C'mon.
Robert: Ha, I guess I think they're losers.
Dwight: Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!
Robert: Probably shouldn't have said that. [Jim's jaw drops]
Andy: Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Pam: [Pam's phone vibrates] Oh, text from Jim. 'This is getting very weird. Will explain later.'
Pam: [Everyone's phone vibrates] Oh, text from Kevin.
Meredith: 'Suck it losers.'
Ryan: Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!
Pam: I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, 'Who's that receptionist? I like her.' Now I'm just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, 'Oh, loser.'
Andy: C'mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?
Pam: Oh. Oh God.
Kelly: [door opens, others enter] Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?
Angela: It was excellent.
Darryl: Good times.
Andy: Yeah?
Dwight: Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.
Kevin: I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.
Jim: Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright?
Pam: Yeah, I'm fine.
Kevin: [spraying Meredith and Creed with water gun] Loser. Losers. [Dwight holding up 'L' to his forehead]
Meredith: [on the phone, while getting sprayed] Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It'll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes.
Andy: When I was a salesman I could just be like 'Not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.
Andy: Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it's really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier and others would be second-tier.
Robert: I never said that.
Andy: Thank you. Great.
Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you're talking about?
Andy: Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I'm thinking of. Can you clarify that?
Robert: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.
Phyllis: Whew, well. I guess that's that.
Andy: No. No, no.
Erin: Andy, don't go in there!
Andy: I'm going in there.
Andy: I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don't know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I'm not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.
Robert: I'm not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don't use ballpoint pens.
Andy: Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley... you may think he's a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?
Robert: I did not know about the sales figures.
Andy: Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word 'no' not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I'm being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.
Dwight: Jim, shut the door. This is just gross.
Jim: Shhh.
Andy: Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one.
Erin: I like my new group. I liked my old group.
Robert: Are we done?
Andy: Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we're gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.
Robert: You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?
Andy: Yes, I do.
Robert: And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.
Andy: I don't care. [Robert smiles as Andy exits]
Andy: Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday.
Stanley: We get that every year.
Andy: Well, you got it this year too.
Phyllis: Good night, Andy.
Andy: Night.
Angela: Bye.
Oscar: Good night Andy.
Dwight: Good night.
Andy: Night.
Jim: Alright, I'm gonna go warm up the car.
Pam: Okay. Oh, uh, you dropped something. Jim?
Pam: Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but- [shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, 'Pam' and 'Cece' on one side, 'Everything else' on the other] I mean, that's just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it's stupid. No. [starts crying] It's wonderful. I'm gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.
Andy: I gotta say, I think it's kinda cool not knowing. It's like one of those movies that ends on a note of mystery. Did the butler do it? Are they ghosts? You know? It's kinda sophisticated.
Kelly: Everybody hates those endings!
Pam: [weepy] Yeah, I hate those endings.
Oscar: I- [Sees Kevin looking at the list upside down and turns it.]
Kevin: I was looking for patterns.
Oscar: I know.
Ryan: It's all a mind game. He wanted us to see the list. He's a genius. You guys just don't get him.
Creed: I made a list like this for Congress when I worked in Hollywood in the 50's, they're meaningless.
Toby: Guys. Really, it's ok. Everyone has made a really solid first impression, I don't think there's any reason for anybody to worry.
Toby: I am on the wrong side, and I am freaking out here.
Dwight: [grunting, trying with Jim to lift Kevin planking on his desk] Man, it's like hoisting a manatee. I can't get a grip it's so vast.
Jim: Ryan? A little help?
Dwight: God. How do whalers do it?
Ryan: Here's the way trends move across the country. They start in Japan. L.A. And New York get it soon after that. Seattle looks at it, decides not to do it. Chicago gets it three months later. Then it travels down the Mississippi, OK? All the red states start doing it. Good Morning America does a piece about it. And then, it shows up in Scranton.
Andy: Creed! Wha- [Shoves Creed with his foot, Creed grunts] This is a safety issue with you. There's no way to know if you're dead!
Gabe: Good morning. [suitcase falls and he laughs awkwardly]
Gabe: Corporate wants me up here, Dunder Mifflin wants me down there. What they worked out is that Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'm here in Scranton, Tuesday Thursday I'm in Tallahassee, I mean I feel like Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air, you know? More money more problems. Although, I didn't get a raise, so you know. Same money, more problems.
Ryan: It's called owling. You'll read about it in like eight months.
Jim: Uh, I will have the chicken piccata with a side salad.
Robert: That sounds good.
Kevin: Chicken piccata, side salad.
Darryl: Chicken piccata, salad on the side please.
Oscar: I'll start with a side salad and uh, oh, chicken piccata.
Toby: Chicken piccata, side salad.
Angela: Side salad, chicken piccata on the side.
Phyllis: I'll start with a side salad, then a chicken piccata.
Dwight: Steak. Rare.
Robert: Jim, you alright? What are you doing?
Jim: Good. What? Nothin'
Pam: Oh! Text from Jim. 'This is...' hmm.
Ryan: Profound man, your husband.
Dwight: One more. To our boss!
All: Hey!
Jim: I don't think we have to do this again cause it's gonna take a whole. [everyone clinks glasses]
Dwight: You know what? Let us treat you. What do you say? It has been such a pleasure.
Robert: I can expense it.
Darryl & Oscar: Let him expense it, Dwight.
Dwight: I insist. It is gonna be our treat, please?
Robert: Thank you.
Waiter: Hi, Mr. Shrute. I've waited on you before. I just wanted to let you know that gratuity is not included in the bill and tips are expected.
Dwight: Oh, tips are expected?
Waiter: Yes sir.
Dwight: Then expect to be shocked. Jim, you owe me $14.75. Oscar, $14.75. Darryl...
Gabe: My entire childhood, I was the one left out, and I said to myself: Gabe, if you just achieve some success, you'll be part of them. You'll be part of the happy ones. But instead, people just used my success as a new way to shut me out.
Meredith: Hey, this ain't no Breakfast Club, bitch.
Dwight: Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!
Jim: Come on, man.
Dwight: Winners!


Jim: Hey, so this isn't matching up with this, and I'm not sure which one's right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?
Kevin: Yes. Me do.
Jim: Alright.
Jim: Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?
Kevin: Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.
Pam: Kevin, do you feel OK?
Kevin: Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.
Pam: Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Jim: Yeah, alright Kev why don't you come with us?
Oscar: No, guys.
Angela: No, he's fine.
Oscar: He's fine.
Angela: He's always been like that.
Pam: No he hasn't.
Angela: I mean, he's gotten worse over the years.
Oscar: He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
Kevin: You keep think that.
Kevin: Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say 'car no go', and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?
Andy: Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Kevin: Thank.
Andy: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is, basically the speech equivalent, to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use, but need need for talk talk.
Kevin: But save time. More success.
Jim: Does it save time though? 'Cause we've been here for about an hour.
Kevin: No me fault.
Pam: Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time.
Kevin: Many small time make big time.
Andy: What are you gonna do with all this time?
Kevin: See world.
Pam: Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.
Jim: K, Kevin, are you saying 'See the world'? or 'Sea World?'
Kevin: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Jim: No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method. 'Cause I still don't know if you're saying 'Sea World' or 'see the world,' and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.
Kevin: Fine, fine. I'll talk normally.
Kevin: When me President, they see. [Nodding and smiling] They see.
Dwight: This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet'.the Pyramid. [holds up triangle shaped touch pad]
Phyllis: Ooh, why is it shaped like that?
Dwight: So, you can tell your clients: 'Unleash the power of the pyramid.'
Pam: It's huge. How much does it weigh?
Dwight: Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it's barely three pounds.
Ryan: How much memory does it have without the booster?
Dwight: Fifty L.
Ryan: I'm sorry,' L'?
Jim: How many L to a K?
Dwight: You're really going to want the booster.
Stanley: How on earth are we supposed to sell'?
Jim: I'll take five.
Phyllis: Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing.
Andy: Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwight's meeting.
Dwight: Thank you.
Andy: I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties'and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? [To Oscar] What do you think, C-SPAN?
 cocker spaniel.  Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause": C-SPAN?,Oscar,FALSE
46041,8,2,6,Yeah. C-SPAN
Dwight: Is this really the best use of our collective time?
Andy: I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, I'm sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dog'had to pull rank.
Dwight: [to group] OK, let's look at some ties.
Dwight: Here's how I'm going to help out from now on. I'm going to not care, and I'm going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.
Dwight: [To Oscar] Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.
Erin: Um, D-Dog, you have a message.
Pam: Erin, you don't need to call him that.
Erin: Andy wants us to, P-Dog.
Darryl: It's ok E-Dog, just who called?
Erin: Justine. She said she's coming by later.
Jim: Your ex-wife?
Kevin: Wait, I thought she was a **** and you ******* hated her guts?
Darryl: No no no no. I like her.
Kevin: Well I'm just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don't know the woman.
Darryl: Nah man, we get along now. Real well.
Jim: Wow. Alright. Can't wait to meet her.
Darryl: I'll introduce you.
Darryl: Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can't tell you what I did with my ex wife last night'. I have to sing it. [singing] We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Andy: [to Robert California] Hi Dad!... Ahhh'.oh boy.
Robert: Hello, Andy. Excellent tie.
Erin: Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here?
Robert: I'd love some coffee.
Robert: I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.
Andy: Are you factoring in the whole national economy. declining and all that?
Robert: Andy, do you know why I chose you?
Andy: I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor..vanilla?
Robert: Vanilla? No no no no. You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess.
Andy: You were saying you chose me. There was a reason?
Robert: Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?
Andy: Can I inspire? [laughs] I don't know!...I don't know.
Robert: Oh! Thank you. Uh.
Erin: Oh, sorry.
Robert: You can just put it down.
Erin: Oh
Robert: That is very cold.
Erin: Yeah. It's old. [smiling]
Robert: Why would I..?
Erin: I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said 'coffee'.
Andy: Why don't we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.
Erin: Andy, you don't want that.
Andy: I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. [sips] Mmm..
Erin: Sorry.
Robert: You like her.
Andy: I do.
Robert: She likes you.
Andy: You know, we've both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we're in this weird dance.
Robert: [interrupting] I'm afraid you've lost my interest.
Oscar: Let me call you back.
Meredith: I gotta go.
Robert: If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?
Robert: Ah!
Kevin: This is where we go
Robert: [chuckling] Oh, you'd go someplace else. That's not it, that's not the answer.
Kevin: It's a answer.
Robert: It's a wrong answer.
Kevin: There are no wrong answers.
Robert: Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at it's birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?
Phyllis: Wait...they're terrified?
Robert: Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them 'you are welcome.' [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.
Andy: You got it.
Robert: Double.
Andy: Done.
Robert: I'm not kidding.
Andy: Neither am I, it's already done. Hah, I'm just kidding, it's going to take some time.
Robert: Double.
Jim: Hey. [Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jim's desk, kicking things in the process.]
Andy: What's up, guys? Just thought we'd have a little rap session, talk about business see how things are going? Ahem...
Jim: Why don't you start?
Andy: If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert, man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how's the sales doubling project going?
Phyllis: Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can't just press a magic button.
Andy: OF course not. There's no magic button. You have to summon that.
Stanley: If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You're not making any sense.
Jim: He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?
Andy: Dwight, anything?
Dwight: We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they're out of the house.
Andy: You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? [Jim raises hand] Tuna.
Jim: New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door
Andy: Fart'.. good Sesh. [gets up] That leg's asleep.
Justine: Hello. I'm looking for Darryl Philbin?
Kevin: Don't! oh, you must think'I'm not. I'm using the fax, this isn't, no wait. I'm not supposed to represent the company. Right? There's usually an Erin here.
Justine: Ok..?
 DARRYL! A GIRL!: So
Darryl: [Singing] rub a dub dub, I got scrubbed. 'Sup, darlin'? Everybody, this is Justine. [murmurs of hello from the group] This is Jim and Oscar, everybody.
Meredith: Hi.
Kevin: Kevin.
Justine: Can we. go some place private?
Darryl: Follow me, I got a space. After you. I've been thinking about you all mornin'. I don't know what you did, I can barely walk today.
Andy: D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie? Lick the spoon?
Andy: No, that's ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about'
Dwight: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.
Andy: I know, right?
Dwight: Right?
Andy: Yeah'um, how is everything?
Dwight: Good. Really really good.
Andy: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.
Andy: Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Dwight: I don't know, what do you mean?
Andy: There's gotta be some way you can double your beet sales
Dwight: You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! [Licks brownie battered finger] And I'll do mine.. walnuts?
Kevin: No!
Angela: Have you seen this? [Hands Pam Parenting magazine]
Pam: Parenting? Yeah. This is Cici's favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.
Jim: She looks at it when she's on the potty, and she makes the faces.
Angela: Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?
Pam: I flipped through it.
Angela: So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you're pregnant?
Pam: Of course.
Jim: We know that.
Pam: Yeah.
Angela: I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?
Pam: That sounds nice.
Angela: Great.[Angela walks away]
Jim: You have a walking buddy.
Pam: I do.
Andy: Thanks for coming in guys.
Phyllis: You don't have to thank us for coming in, it's our job.
Andy: Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I'm gonna thank people.
Meredith: What's with the blanket?
Andy: This is what's under the blanket.
Oscar: We don't get it.
Andy: These are incentives. It's how we're gonna double growth. Now, you're probably all asking yourselves: 'Well, how does this work?'
Pam: Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes.
Andy: You're exactly right and you get a point.
Pam: Oh. [smiling]
Ryan: Uh, is that a vibrator?
Andy: Twenty points.
Meredith: How does one get a point?
Andy: I've outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.
Kelly: Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.
Andy: There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.
Stanley: How 'bout you want us to work harder, pay us more.
Andy: I can't.
Kelly: This point system is really insulting.
Andy: Ooh I didn't mean to offend you, and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very very, Sari. [tosses yellow print material over shoulder] Sixteen points.
Kelly: That's a tablecloth.
Jim: What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?
Andy: That's a crazy amount of points.
Jim: But, what if?
Andy: Well, what do you want?
Jim: I don't know, for such a crazy number I'd like something pretty crazy.
Andy: Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. [laughter]
Jim: That's pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?
Andy: I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. [laughter] Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard![Andy points to his rear-end]
Group: Ooooh!
Oscar: Really?
Jim: Alright, alright. And you are totally serious?
Andy: Swear to God, hope to die. Now let's get to work!
Jim: Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that case'let's get to work.
Dwight: Yeah!
Pam: Yeah! Whoo! [Group cheers]
Jim: [on the phone]I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. [hangs up] Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto?
Phyllis: [hands Jim folder] Ask for Donald, Karen's bananas.
Jim: Ok.
Andy: T-bag bone'
Jim: Andrew.
Andy: Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Jim: No, I didn't notice anything.
Andy: Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years'.and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
Stanley: [On the phone] You've got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!
Jim: I don't know what to tell you, man.
Andy: You think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Jim: Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.
Andy: Bah'I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
Jim: Nah, you definitely weren't kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in. [hands Andy slip of paper]
Andy: Hundred and twenty points.
Jim: Yeah. Big sale. Don't worry about it though, I don't really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though'[on phone] Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald'can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much. [gets up to give Erin his point receipt]
Pam: Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's?
Erin: Yes! [adds receipt to growing pile and thumbs up Andy.]
Jim: [on the phone]and I'm back. How are you sir?...I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?
Pam: Where's Angela? [Hands paper over her shoulder]
Andy: Hey Kevin, what are you doing?
Kevin: Don't talk to me! [Everyone continues to work busily]
Andy: [on phone] Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of '95. Hey there, um, I'm a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here, De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale, uh why? Well, um I guess you could say I'm in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. [laughs]
Andy: Took 'em one day.
Pam: Ready! [flips sketch pad showing tattoo possibilities] 'I'm not as think as you drunk I am!' [crowd claps and cheers]
Ryan: I like it, I like it! [Pam flips the page]
Pam: Do Not Resuscitate[mild cheering]
Andy: OK, keep in mind, it's not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car [nervous laughter] for a thousand points'.or best offer.
Phyllis: What else you got?
Pam: Oh, and then this was Phyllis's idea[shocked cheers] So nasty Phyllis!
Pam: We were hoping you could do something like this
Tattoo Artist: So, coming out of his butt is a..
Pam: Baby.
Tattoo Artist: Baby
Pam: Yes.
Tattoo Artist: Yeah, no problem.
 does anyone have any better ideas?: We should think about this
Stanley: I like what we have.
Meredith: Looks good.
Erin: Yeah.
Kevin: For sure.
[murmurs from group in agreement]
Andy: Just need a second outside.
Jim: Gettin' psyched up?
Andy: Yeah.
Jim: Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this
Andy: Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? '.Confession: I don't know what I'm doing.
Jim: I mean, do you like it? You having fun? [Andy snorts, unsure how to answer] Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun.and you did that.
Andy: My ass is only so big, I mean I can't do this everyday.
Jim: But I think it's big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea.which, by the way, I can't wait for.
Andy: No one expects me to go through with this, right?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Andy: Let's ink'my stink! [crowd cheers]
Andy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.
Group: Whoa!
Andy: [lying on table] Do your worst!
Tattoo Artist: Uh, you can keep your pants on actually if just drop 'em down a bit, that'd be great.
Andy: They are already off, my good sir.
Tattoo Artist: I'd really prefer they not be down.
Andy: Well, I think down's better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.
Pam: Do you think you could work from this? [showing Tattoo artist sketch pad] we made some small adjustments.
Tattoo Artist: OK, you want me to
Pam: Just a few adjustments
Tattoo Artist: Alright, let's begin.
Andy: This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!
Tattoo Artist: That was just the cotton swab.
Andy: Invest in softer cotton, sir. [tattooing begins] OW! Oh! Oooh! [Crowd cheers] oh, whoa!!
Dwight: Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I'm gonna like it.
Dwight: DRAW SOME BLOOD!
Andy: AHHHHH!!!!!!!
Robert: Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him.
Andy: [removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy] It's a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That's my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!
Jim: Pull up your pants.
Robert: There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.
Pam: Um, what should we talk about?
Angela: Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.
Pam: Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help.
Angela: A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don't know if I should call social services about it.
Pam: Angela, that's pretty transparently me.
Angela: Maybe.
Pam: You know it's just herbal tea.
Angela: In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!
Pam: Yeah. I think you should call social services.
Angela: I already did.
Pam: You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we're in this together.
Angela: Fine.
Pam: Fine.
Andy: When you're a kid, you picture a pilot kinda like this [imitates plane noises while steering wildly] But then you learn that's crashing the plane. The right way to do it is more like this. [calmly pulls imaginary steering back and forth] Or better yet, like this. [takes hands off imaginary wheel] Now that I'm manager, I think about that a lot. I let Dwight run the meetings, I let good people do good work and I stay out of the way.
Andy: Which combo do you think Robert's gonna like better?
Phyllis: Just wear one of your bowties.
Kelly: No! I mean, let him, he should just explore other options...
Kelly: Bowties, no offense, are a black thing. They're for rappers and NBA players. I cringe when I see Tucker Carlson trying to pull off a bowtie. It's like yeah Tucker, you're so street.
Andy: This is combo number seven.
All: Hmm, no.
Pam: I don't like that clip.
Andy: You're right, you're right, you're right. Uh! It's so hard to find an occasion for this clip.
Jim: I'd hang on to it though, cause I can think of a bunch. Like a 70's theme party, or a 70's theme meeting, or a 70's theme convention...
Andy: Sure.
Jim: 1870's...
Andy: Thanks T-Dog.
Ryan: T-Dog?
Toby: I thought I was T-Dog.
Jim: Nope, he means tuna dog.
Andy: Tuna dog!
Andy: I thought the plane was flying pretty well on auto-pilot. And then Robert California ran into the cockpit with a gun and he was like 'Fly this plane to Cuba, and on the way bomb Texas' Well I don't know how to get there. Or even how to fly, even. And I don't have any bombs.
Erin: Hey. Maybe it'd help to just talk it over. Over a cup of cool old tea.
Andy: [sighs] Yeah.
Erin: What if you were to just start with your ideas about how to double profits. Just say them all and maybe one of them will rise to the top.
Andy: I don't have any ideas though.
Erin: Well I have an idea.
Andy: You do?
Erin: What if Dunder Mifflin were to take on 15-20 foster kids? You'd get huge checks from the government and honestly they would be ecstatic to live in the warehouse. It would be like Hogwart's.
Andy: Yeah...I don't think that's legal. It's a nice thought though. [Erin hands Andy a gift] What is this?
Erin: I just wanted to say congratulations on your new job, officially.
Andy: You didn't have to do that. [opens box to reveal red mouse cat toy attached to key chain]
Erin: I saw it at the checkout counter, it made me think of you. I don't know why. I made it into a key chain.
Andy: You're the only person who's congratulated me.


Dwight: ...back orders and you never called them.
Oscar: Can you believe this?
Erin: There's a dog in the car.
Oscar: You can't leave a dog in a parked car. [points to 'I'd rather be snowboarding' bumper sticker] Snowboarder, it figures.
Jim: Do Snowboarders hate animals?
Oscar: I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
Andy: Oscar, it's not that hot out.
Darryl: A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.
Andy: Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight.
Kelly: So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag?
Kevin: Here, I'm gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.
Dwight: OK, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. [Whistling and pouring water from bottle into sunroof of car] Come on.
Jim: Dwight! At least aim it.
Dwight: There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on.
Andy: We're losing cloud cover.
Kelly: Oh don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.
Darryl: Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time.
Oscar: This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window. [Oscar approaches the vehicle with a tire iron]
Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Oscar: Come on buddy, get back.
Dwight: Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey! [Oscar busts out back window, group cries out in protest, then cheers]
Jim: Alright! Nice job, Oscar!
Oscar: And one for good measure! [Busts out taillight, group applauds]
Jim: So...ah, who's gonna take the dog?
Oscar: Why would we take the dog?
Jim: What if he jumps out the window and runs away?
Oscar: Jim, he's not gonna star- [Dog lunges for open window and barks]
Meredith: Whoa!
Oscar: Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay.
Dwight: Nein. Sits. [snaps as dog calms] Goot.
Jim: Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog?
Oscar: [Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window] There we go. That should do it.
Jim: Yeah, that's pretty good.
Dwight: Yeah, that'll work.
Kelly: That'll work.
Jim: Nice job.
Dwight: Bye poochie!
Kelly: Bye. [Andy barks]
Meredith: Bye! [Kevin's horn honks twice shortly, then one long honk. Shot shows him passed out on his steering wheel.]
Pam: What's that come to? Like, what did they each win?
Jim: Oh man, it's gotta be over a hundred thousand dollars.
Pam: Awesome.
Dwight: Before taxes.
Phyllis: That's still a lot of money!
Andy: The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things.
Darryl: [On phone] Hello?...Justine! [laughs] Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?...Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-...what?...Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won...Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-...What?...Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right- [hangs up] Whoops.
Darryl: When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won playing my birthday.
Oscar: What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right?
Phyllis: Yeah.
Meredith: We're lookin' at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.
Oscar: At least.
Jim: I mean, I don't even know what I'd do with all that money.
Dwight: I know what you'd do with all that money. [imitating Jim] 'Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.'
Jim: No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop.
Pam: And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?
Jim: Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine?
Pam: I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo...
Ryan: SoHo's mostly lofts but OK.
Pam: And then every morning, I'd walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting...
Kelly: Oh, god.
Pam: And then my handsome husband...
Jim: Which ideally would be me...
Pam: Would bring me a flavored coffee.
Jim: Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?
Pam: Well in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters.
Jim: I don't know about Stephen King, I mean...
Meredith: [under her breath] get a divorce...get a divorce...
Kelly: I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year...I mean obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean I'm getting paid a dollar a year, OK? You can chill.
Andy: Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. [lowers voice] To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. [normal voice] Darryl, how we doin' on the new warehouse guys?
Darryl: I don't know.
Andy: What d-? What..what? Wuh, do we have new guys, or what?
Darryl: No.
Andy: Are they on their way over?
Darryl: I haven't hired anyone.
Phyllis: What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it.
Darryl: I'm not checkin' email till lunch. Four hour work week.
Andy: This is kinda time sensitive.
Darryl: I got it. I'm doin' it.
Phyllis: Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client.
Andy: Alright, well until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who's in? [Erin raises hand]
Erin: As long as you guys don't need me up here.
Phyllis: No..we don't
Dwight: I think we'll be fine. [group murmurs in agreement]
Oscar: Really, nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead?
Andy: Are you volunteering?
Oscar: Of course. I would. But my hip...I would kill to be at a hundred percent. [Angela rolls eyes]
Andy: Jim! How 'bout you?
Jim: Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you...
Dwight: Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god. [grunts] False. Andy, I will volunteer.
Andy: Great. And Kevin.
Kevin: Good old Kevin. He'll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job.
Pam: Oh, thank you.
Angela: Sure.
Pam: Wait, wait. What's this? [holds up clipboard]
Angela: Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby's birth weight pool.
Pam: It says 'Lotto Pool', right on top. [points to obvious title]
Angela: Yeah. And I said sorry.
Pam: Oh come on. You really think I'm gonna have a fourteen pound baby?
Darryl: When did I get so fat?
Andy: You look awesome.
Darryl: I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here.
Andy: Where are we in the process?
Darryl: I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys,hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process.
Andy: Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
Darryl: The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.
Andy: You do have a fantastic basement.
Darryl: I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point.
Andy: Right. Um, well how 'bout we take a look at some applications? ...This guy wrote his in green ink, that's pretty cool. Check it out. [attempts to give Darryl application who ignores him at first but then takes it]Hey! There ya go...there he is.
Andy: That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl.
Jim: OK. Three hundred boxes of twenty pound white. That's seventy-five boxes per person, so that's not so bad.
Dwight: Negative! Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it! [climbs into forklift]
Jim: Nice. [Dwight runs forklift into wall of warehouse] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oh!
Kevin: Damn! [Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins lifting boxes by hand.]
Dwight: Yup.
Andy: Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl.[no one laughs] What? No Newhart fans? OK...Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?
Darryl: You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?
Female Applicant: Your old crew won the lottery?
Andy: Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system?
Male Applicant 1: Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit?
Darryl: Oh yeah.
Andy: Well-
Darryl: One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Heday is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals. [Andy laughs awkwardly]
Andy: Um, can you guys give us a minute? But stay close, you're all doing great. [group begins leaving] maybe grab a coffee..or if there's any donuts out you can split one. You know they're for everybody so people get fussy...You know what? Just have a donut. [shuts door and sits, gesturing for Darryl to sit next to him. Then gets up to stand near Darryl.] Do you wanna talk about this not winning the lottery thing?
Darryl: I don't
Andy: You sure? Cause you keep talking about it, so...
Darryl: Nope. I'm good. I'm here. Let's find some warehouse workers.
Andy: Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren't like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about.
Darryl: OK.
Andy: We need you, OK?
Darryl: OK.
Andy: OK?
Darryl: Yeah.
Andy: Alright.
Dwight: [Grunts while lifting box into truck] What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband. [Erin grunts loudly and tosses box toward truck but misses]
Erin: I didn't feel anything.
Andy: Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor.
Darryl: Why do you wanna work here?
Male Applicant 1: I need a job.
Darryl: That's not a good reason.
Andy: Good. Keepin' 'em honest.
Darryl: Don't just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you're still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change.
Andy: Are we scaring them straight...?
Darryl: I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one.
Darryl: I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?
Ryan: Nice. Right back where I like you. [Pam is sitting at reception covering for Erin] Can you make ten copies of this for me?
Pam: No.
Ryan: Why not? What are you doing?
Pam: Uh, buying lottery tickets online. [Ryan laughs]
Ryan: Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it.
Pam: You came in at 10:30 today, right?
Ryan: OK, (we'll just dismiss it.)??????
Andy: Is everyone licensed?
Male Applicant 2: Like a driver's license?
Andy: No. Warehouse license...Masters in warehouse sciences?...I, I feel like Darryl has talked about a license of some kind.
Female Applicant: Is this a joke?
Andy: No. Not joking. This is real...painfully real, what is happening right now.
Kevin: [On all fours with a box on his back] OK, I'm not gonna make it. I'm turning back.
Jim: There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Dwight: Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday.
Jim: Yeah [laughs and then notices camera] Not that they're not smart people.
Dwight: [Noticing camera] No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence.
Jim: I'd go with that.
Dwight: Like baboons or elephants.
Jim: Not that, don't...
Kevin: Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh.
Jim: It's a great idea Kev, I don't think it applies here though, so maybe we just-
Kevin: Yeah we move stuff and it was fun.
Dwight: Kevin! Doesn't apply.
Kevin: Right. My mom-
Erin: [grabbing Kevin's arm] You need to drop it, OK? They hate it. I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it! [Kevin tears up]
Andy: Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap? [raises hand and laughs] You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um...
Male Applicant 1: How much longer is this gonna take?
Darryl: Did you hire 'em?
Andy: No. Because they all left.
Darryl: What do you mean 'they left'?
Andy: I mean, after you bailed? I got confused and frankly a little weird and the stuff that you said certainly didn't help.
Darryl: Then I think you should fire me.
Andy: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you.
Darryl: Yeah. Just put me out of my misery.
Andy: OK, this is weird. I don't, I don't get the joke.
Darryl: No? OK. I don't wanna be here anymore. Fire me.
Andy: So Darryl says to me 'fire me'. But what he really means is 'I'm gonna say something really weird, try and figure out what it means.' So I say 'No, you're not fired.' But what I really mean is 'I have no idea what your talking about, but I'm gonna go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.'....I really hope that's what he and I mean.
Andy: Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy.
Oscar: Bulk or definition?
Andy: Definition.
Oscar: Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness.
Andy: Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?
Oscar: Oh, he's plenty strong.
Oscar: It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell.
Pam: So. I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings...
Jim: Our fake winnings
Pam: And we move to the south of France. See? No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France.
Jim: It is, yeah. I mean I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy it's Maine and you love it.
Pam: Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy.
Jim: Nope. You're, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now. [Pam sighs]
Dwight: Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again?
Jim: A...hot chocolate tea
Andy: Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce?
Gideon: North America...and, diminishing is a little reductive, but uh sure. That's the headline version.
Andy: Great...Well, it'll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse.
Gideon: FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule.
Andy: Eh, cool. We'll figure that out.
Nate: Also, FYI, ah, I don't techinically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I'll hear 'em as one big jumble. Uh, again it's not that I can't hear, uh because that's false. I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.
Andy: Got it. Dually noted. You! [points to Bruce] Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?
Bruce: Made it.
Andy: So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet or know or even talk to.
Dwight: Message in a Bottle, The Postman...
Jim: Kevin Costner.
Dwight: Kevin Costner.
Jim: Yeah. [Shot shows Kevin and Erin greasing floor of warehouse]
Kevin: So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea.
Erin: You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it!
Jim: So, it's not the dumbest idea.
Dwight: It's not the greatest one either...
Jim: But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes.
Dwight: And it's clear we're not going to carry them. [Dwight grunts loudly in shot showing them sliding boxes over the greased floor]
Jim: So sadly, it's the best idea on the table.
Dwight: Exactly.
Kevin: I think we're ready to give thi- [Kevin slips on grease and falls] Jim?
Jim: Is he OK?
Dwight: Yep. He'll be fine.
Andy: Surprise! Your new crew.
Darryl: Would you just fire me, man?
Andy: Why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?
Darryl: You wanna make me happy? Huh?
Andy: Yeah.
Darryl: Give me your job.
Andy: Haha, what?
Darryl: I'll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why, reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy, everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me.
Andy: I'm not gonna give you my job! It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that.
Nate: Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem, it's just when there's a lot of noises...
Andy: Nate! Please...thank you. You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under D'Angelo, what happened to that?
Darryl: He died.
Andy: He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it?
Nate: What wa-, what was the last...I'm havin' a-
Andy: None, no part of this has anything to do with you.
Darryl: I didn't have time because of my daughter.
Andy: Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic, and a Mediterranean cooking class.
Darryl: Hey I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face.
Andy: Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. [long pause]
Darryl: OK.
Andy: OK what?
Darryl: OK, don't fire me.
Andy: Ah, OK.
Darryl: My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.
Darryl: I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though, it's gonna be mostly my bunch.
Andy: Yeah. [laughs] That makes sense. OK. Good, alright.
Kevin: Here...
Andy: What is goin' on?! [shot shows greased aisle flanked by rows of boxes]
Kevin: Oh hey guys.
Darryl: Why is the forklift in the wall?
Andy: Why is the truck empty?
Dwight: Uh, it's not totally empty.
Darryl: Is that grease on my floor?
Dwight: OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this.
Darryl: And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?
Kevin: OK Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it's cool cause we found another use for them.
Jim: OK, alright, that's...look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things.
Darryl: And?
Erin: And we did.
Dwight: I don't know.
Erin: Jim? Tell them what it's called.
Jim: That's alright.
Kevin: No Jim, tell 'em what a name is.
Jim: Doesn't matter what the name is. Se��or Loadenstein, that's stupid.
Kevin: [laughing] Se��or Loadenstein. Tell 'em why it's called that, Jim.
Jim: That's OK, we're good.
Erin: Jim...
Andy: No, Jim. Tell us why it's called Se��or Loadenstein.
Jim: Porque es muy rapido.
Dwight: OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away.
Darryl: Let me see it.
Dwight: It's uh, it's in beta testing.
Darryl: Let me see it!
Dwight: Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping.
Dwight, Erin, Jim & Kevin: Uno! Dos! Tres! [Shot shows Jim & Dwight pulling ropes attached to a plank holding Erin in a helmet and boxes of paper down the greased runway, Dwight grunts]
Phyllis: Yeah, I lost my client.
Creed: I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport.
Toby: I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, The Flenderson Files. Dum bum buh. [whispers] Flenderson files.
Pam: We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain.
Jim: Right. It's city and country combined.
Pam: Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.
Jim: And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want.
Pam: Just like now.
Jim: [laughs] Just like now...too bad the schools are terrible.
Pam: Oh..
Jim: But what are you gonna do about that?
Pam: What are you gonna do?
Toby: If I won the lottery, I don't know. I don't think I'd make any changes to my life. Quit my job, move, meet someone...
Ryan: I'd give 35% to AIDS related charities. 25%. If they can't cure AIDS with 25%, the extra ten's not gonna make a difference. At some point, you're just throwing good money after bad.
Phyllis: The first thing I'd buy is new boobs. For my mom. She has the worst boobs. It- It's embarrassing.
Jim: Ok, ok. We are so close. All we have to do is figure out that corner and we're basically there.
Dwight: I know. Kevin, we've been friends for a long time, right?
Kevin: Egons.
Dwight: So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield-
Jim: Ok, Dwight! Come on. Here, I think I have an idea.
Dwight: I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now would I?
Kevin: No.
Dwight: Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er...
Jim: Dammit Dwight!
Kevin: However it's normally done.
Jim: Ok, I have a question. Why is the truck so far away?
Kevin: Yeah Jim, why's it so far?
Erin: Why's it so far away?
Jim: Ok, I just asked that ques-, I don't know. I mean it seems like the door is huge, right? So you should be able to back the truck up to the paper.
Dwight: Yeah, why is it so far away Jim?
Jim: So this warehouse has been around for what? Like a thousand years? And they never thought to back the truck up into it? I guess sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes. Alright! [knocks on side of truck]
Kevin: Back...
Erin: Yeah.
Kevin: That looks good. Back. Whoa whoa whoa!
Jim: Whoa whoa whoa!
Erin: You're doing great! A little farther away from the wall!
Kevin: No no no!
Erin: Good...
Jim: No! Stop! Stop stop stop stop! You're way over! Ok, you gotta cut it! Cut it hard! (bleep!) Stop stop stop stop! Stop, stop! Dammit Dwight. Great.
Dwight: Come on!
Jim: Good.


Jim: [entering office] Hey. So, we saw a new billboard.
Andy: Yeah? Pretty cool, huh?
Andy: What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager?
Andy: How'd it look?
Jim: You've seen it, right?
Andy: No.
Pam: Andy, somebody defaced it.
Andy: What? [Stanley enters office laughing] Morning, Stanley.
Jim: There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.
Andy: Erin, how long did we order those billboards for?
Erin: Six months.
Andy: Oh, god. I need you to call the billboard company.
Meredith: [entering office] Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it, loved it.
Andy: Which one did you see?
Meredith: Washington Street, the one with, like, twenty dongs on it.
Jim: Okay, don't be gross.
Dwight: [entering office] What's going on?
Pam: Somebody defaced the billboards we just put out in an inappropriate way.
Dwight: Oh, that's funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?
Andy: Yeah, Dwight.
Dwight: No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! [running from building] No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! [stopping in front of defaced billboard] NOOOOOOOOO!
Dwight: Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.
Ryan: Just give us the address. We'll look it up online.
Dwight: It's simpler this way.
Oscar: It's really not.
Andy: Now, stated arrival time is 3 p.m.
Kelly: I don't get the reason for this party.
Phyllis: Yeah, what's the reason?
Kelly: What's the reason, Andy? What's the reason?
Andy: It's just a garden party. Sheesh.
Andy: You don't need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. It's a garden party. You don't need a reason.
Andy: Few other super simple reminders no burping, no slurping, when eating take small bites and chew thoroughly with your mouth closed. Yes, Darryl?
Darryl: What happens when we're done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor, or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?
Andy: I get it, I'm being a little overbearing. But I promise to be underbearing for a week if you guys just all... step it up.
Oscar: Andy, we understand basic table manners, we're not children.
Phyllis: Yeah, it's just a picnic.
Andy: This is not a picnic, Phyllis, it's a garden party.
Darryl: There's a grill in the warehouse I could bring.
Andy: Aw, ew, please don't. Not a barbecue. It's better than a barbecue. It's dignified, quieter, there are rules.
Pam: How is that better than a barbecue?
Ryan: What's the dress code on this?
Andy: I'm glad you asked.. Connecticut Casual.
Stanley: Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business, i.e. this is what I'm wearing to your party.
Andy: Guys, my family just threw a garden party to celebrate my brother's promotion. It was a huge success. Check it out, there's a video online. Heartwarming impromptu father-son duet. [video playing on computer]
Kevin: Yeah, Oscar, you showed me this.
Darryl: I've seen this, that's not you.
Meredith: Yeah, whoa, who's the sausage?
Andy: It's my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesn't really support another harmony part, so... Check it out, that's my brother's boss. Look how psyched he is, he's having an awesome time.
Jim: Ah, and did Robert California get an invite to your party?
Andy: Yeah, of course. Ye... I mean, uh, yeah, I think he did. [groans from the group]
Phyllis: Why didn't you just say this was to impress Robert California?
Gabe: I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey Andy, how about you don't steal my business strategies, and I won't dress like my life is just one long brunch?
Andy: See you all there at 3 p.m., Connecticut Casual, remember your manners, and have a wonderful time.
Dwight: And please refer to the map, stay off of the web. Thank you.
Jim: [pointing to computer monitor] So, we've typed in the address, now let's take a look at the street view. [picture of Dwight and Mose on a see-saw]
Dwight: They don't warn you when the cameras are driving by.
Jim: Ah. Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean, how hard are finger sandwiches and tea?
Dwight: There's so much more to it than that.
Dwight: I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. [holds up book, Throwing A Garden Party by James Trickington] Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars. [laughs]
Jim: I'm actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. [holds up same book] I've only sold one copy.
Angela: Is there anything you wish you had done differently to avoid cankles?
Pam: Nope.
Angela: I've already gone up another cup size. The senator is grossed out. When do you start feeling it kick?
Pam: Cece was around 22 weeks, but Phillip was much earlier.
Angela: Phillip?
Pam: Oh, oh my gosh. Yes, but don't, don't say anything, okay? It's after my grandfather.
Angela: Phillip is the name that we're using. It's after my favorite cat.
Pam: [giggling] Oh, wow. Funny. It's after my grandfather.
Angela: It's after my cat.
Robert: [on the phone] Andrew, I've picked up two possible gifts to bring this afternoon. One, a pot of marmalade.
Andy: Ooh, that sounds great.
Robert: Well, that, that is what you want then, the marmalade.
Andy: Sure.
Robert: You don't want to hear the other one. You love marmalade.
Andy: Uh, I'll hear the other one.
Robert: It's a basil plant.
Andy: You know, the marmalade sounds great.
Robert: I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and she's very interested.
Andy: Then the basil will be fine.
Robert: Well, you clearly want the marmalade. Gretchen, I need another marmalade. Alright. [hangs up]
Toby: Hey, where do I park?
Mose: I'm the valet. You have to give me your car.
Toby: Uh, you know what, I can go park it myself.
Mose: I'm the... I'm the valet. You have to give me your car.
Toby: It's probably okay...
Mose: Give me your car.
Toby: I think it's better that I...
Mose: Give me your car.
Toby: It's a finicky car...
Mose: Get out. Have a good time at the thing.
Toby: It's a little tricky, you might have to... take... [Mose speeds away]
Dwight: MR. RYAN HOWARD!
Jim: Chapter 2.. Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone present.
Dwight: STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT!
Andy: How's it going over here, guys?
Oscar: Andy, stop hovering, you're being really annoying.
Andy: Didn't mean to bother you, Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.
Oscar: Wow.
Dwight: MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!
Walter: So, you all work with Andy.
Andy: Well, technically FOR Andy.
Oscar: Technically FOR Robert California. He's our CEO.
Ellen: I thought you were the CEO.
Andy: I don't know how you got there.
Walter: You said you were running the company.
Andy: This branch, I'm the regional manager.
Walter: Yes, that makes more sense. Are you all regional managers?
Andy: Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That's crazy. Now, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves, which, as a matter of fact, they did, last week. They threw one for my baby brother who is totally amazing, but I couldn't care less.
Andy: Can I introduce you around now?
Walter: Uh, yeah, we don't have too long, we have theater tickets.
Andy: What are you going to see?
Walter: Money Ball. Walter Jr.'s choice.
Andy: What??
Walter Jr: Hey Bronard!
Andy: I didn't know you were going to be here.
Walter Jr: I wouldn't have missed it.
Erin: Ahh! [bird steals her hat]
Walter Jr: I'm Walter, Andy's younger brother.
Jim: Oh, hey, how are you doing, I'm Jim.
Walter Jr: Tuna, right? And this must be your lovely wife Pam [looking at Meredith].
Jim: No.
Meredith: Hell no. She wishes.
Jim: No, no, no, no, no. No.
Waiter: Sir, I need to be able to feed all the guests.
Kevin: [mouthful of food] I understand.
Dwight: Set that down. [grabs waitress] Present yourself.
Jim: Chapter 4 - One of the host's most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon.
Dwight: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA!
Robert: Hello Andy.
Andy: Welcome.
Robert: Thank you.
Andy: Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad.
Robert: Yes, hello, nice to meet you.
Walter: Pleasure.
Robert: Andy, where shall I put your basil plant?
Andy: Oh, I thought you were going to bring marmalade.
Robert: No, I'm certain you said basil.
Ryan: This is not funny, man, let me down.
Kevin: I think this thing is broken.
Ryan: It's not broken, Kevin. This is how it works.
Andy: So pretty today.
Ellen: It's getting chilly.
Walter: We really should be leaving.
Andy: Yeah, um, it would be weird if the boss man didn't make a toast, so, hang on. Everybody, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming, and to raise a glass to my amazing staff.
Andy: Toasts are great. I mean, you toast somebody, they toast you back. It just goes round and round. That's my favorite part about toasts, the reciprocity.
Andy: Let's hear from you guys, who do you want to toast?
Darryl: Yeah, I'll say something. I think we should be acknowledging our boss, because none of us would be here without him. Robert California! [everyone toasts]
Gabe: I can't believe I didn't think of toasting Robert. Get in the game, Gabriel! Why are you talking to Stanley's mistress?
Angela: I would like to toast someone who isn't here but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Phillip Lipton!
Pam: I also would like to toast Phillip Halpert, who is due even sooner. May he be a good namesake to my grandfather who I promised as a child long before tonight that I would one day name my son after him. To Phillip Halpert!
Angela: She just always has to copy anything I do! It's the Ford Taurus situation all over again!
Ryan: I'd like to make a toast to the troops. All the troops. Both sides.
Erin: I think we should toast...
Dwight: Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
Jim: Chapter 9 - The tableau vivant is not only welcomed, but expected entertainment at any garden party.
Kevin: Andy? I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter. To Robert California.
Gabe: I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California,...
Andy: You can't triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once.
Robert: I'll say a few words if that's alright with you, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, yeah.
Robert: You people say I led you, but it wasn't me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager, one day the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers.
Gabe: To Robert California, from the moment you entered our building and our hearts, you...
Andy: Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr., please report to the stage!
Walter: I'm eating, Andy.
Andy: Ah, come on!
Walter: Okay. Okay.
Andy: Yes!
Walter: What do you want to do?
Andy: Well, how about one of our classic father/son duets? [starts playing guitar]
Walter: Oh, whoa, sure? Really? It's a little tricky.
Andy: [singing] Saying I love you is not the words...
Walter: It's too high.
Andy: Yeah?
Walter: It's high but it's not that high.
Andy: Right, it feels strange.
Walter: Just take it down a little.
Andy: Saying I love... Saying I love you...
Walter: Here, give it to me. Okay. Uh, something like... [singing] Saying I love you is...
Andy & Walter: ...not the words...
Walter: You don't come in yet. [singing] ...I want to hear from you, It's not that I want you...
Andy & Walter: ...not to say it but if you only knew... More than words is all you have to do to make it real...
Andy: Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin!
Erin: [holding up cell phone] It's either taping or calling.
Andy & Walter: What would you do if my heart was torn in two...
Walter: You know what, Walter Jr. is here. Why don't you come up and join us?
Walter Jr: Dad, no. I'm just having a good time getting to know Andy's friends here.
Meredith: Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and you'll never be able to sing again. Woo!
Walter & Walter Jr: [singing] May the good lord be with you down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true. And do unto others as you'd have done to you...
Andy: [applauds] Cheers! Alright! Cheers, cheers, cheers, get your own guitar.
Erin's Cell Phone: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
Erin: Sorry.
Kelly: I am so cold.
Ryan: That's because you didn't bring a jacket.
Dwight: My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?
Robert: Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Dwight: Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?
Robert: Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Dwight: I can get you exotic meats hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...
Robert: We'll talk. [walks away]
Dwight: It'll all be goat.
Andy: Hello, Cece Halpert? This is Andrew Bernard. I'd very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs. That wasn't even my worst sales call.
Walter: [knocks] Hi. What was that display?
Andy: I don't know, I just thought if I could throw this great garden party and show you how respected I am that you'd be proud of me.
Walter: Andrew...
Andy: I know, I know that you're proud of me.
Walter: I'm not going to tell you how impressed I am that you're a manager of some rinky dink branch of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. How long are you going to go on needing my approval? You're a grown man, don't act like a little boy who needs...
Darryl: I think if I had parents like that I'd be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too.
Oscar: Guess we found Andy's rosebud.
Darryl: Rosebud?
Oscar: It's a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are.
Darryl: I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn't explain why he was how he was, it just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed.
Oscar: Different school of thought. Let's just agree to disagree.
Darryl: No. You're wrong.
Robert: Are you sure?
Ryan: Yeah! I'm too hot anyway.
Robert: My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn't that strange? I've never been there! Oh, ah, yes, that's nice. Thank you.
Walter: It was a nice party, the setting was a little strange. Uh, the food...
Ellen: Sandwiches were dry.
Walter Jr: Bye Tuna, bye Pam!
Andy: Hey everybody, I'm gonna leave and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry.
Darryl: Cheeseburger or hamburger.
Andy: Um, cheeseburger.
Oscar: Narddog. [throws Andy a can]
Andy: Thanks, Oscar.
Pam: What are they doing?
Jim: Closing ceremonies.
Pam: Nice touch.
Jim: I think I left my wallet in your house.
Dwight: Who cares.
Jim: Right here.
Dwight: MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Jim: Keys, keys...
Dwight: Stop forgetting things.
Jim: I didn't forget them, they're right here.
Dwight: MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Jim: I'm so sorry, I think I forgot that thing...
Dwight: What? Idiot.
Jim: Whoo.
Dwight: MIS... MI... What are you doing?
Jim: Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office?
Dwight: That's a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT!
Oscar: I cannot believe how condescending Andy's being.
Darryl: He gets condescending when he's nervous. Or when he's excited or sleepy. Not an easy person to be friends with.
Meredith: Well I just hate being treated like some bum with no class. I'm a lady. I'm a mother. I'm a former boxer!
Andy: Hey guys, getting psyched for the party? Ryan? Can I count on you to wear an understated satirical outfit?
Ryan: Can't wait. A folk colonialist gathering when unemployment's at 9%. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Andy: Awesome.
Dwight: Erin...the receptionist!
Andy: Oh, oh, oh, Kevin. I am reminded of a lame but useful saying I learned as a kid. What is the difference between Hors d'oeuvres and the animals on Noah's ark?
Kevin: What?
Andy: With Hors d'oeuvres we only take one at a time.
Kevin: Oh, OK. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a blonde?
Jim: Chapter seven: The host should always present something spectacular to draw the eye of his guests.
Dwight: When all this is over, I'd like to actually go to one of Trickington's parties, they sound like a blast.
Dwight: Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you...the Alamo! [reveals lump of ice]
Angela: Little Cici asleep?
Pam: Yeah, she just went down.
Angela: Such a precious little angel.
Pam: Aww.
Angela: Cecilia...and Phillip.
Pam: Yes, after my grandfather.
Angela: Phillip is wasted on you. Jim is never gonna take the time to call him Phillip! He doesn't even take the time to get a haircut. And Phil! Ugh! It's just something you do to a hole!
Pam: Well I'm having my baby first, so that's that.
Angela: You know what? It could go either way. My doctor said my hips are so dainty that I'll most definitely have a C-section, so I could go early.
Pam: You think your doctor's going to give you a C-section at six months?
Angela: Yeah! If I request it he will. And that is that.
Andy: My parents are used to a certain type of class. The people that I work with are a different type of class. One is not better than the other, it's just that maybe one's a little higher than the other?