Dwight: Merry Christmas! [holds up dead goose and puts it on Pam's desk]
Pam: Merry Christ-[looks up] NO! Why... why did you bring that here?
Dwight: Don't worry, she's dead. Oh wait. He's dead.
Pam: Dwight, what uh...
Dwight: I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!
Pam: Well, get it out of here.
Dwight: Relax, OK. And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing. Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen?
Jim: Merry Christmas Dwight.
Dwight: Jim.
Jim: Wow. What have we got here?
Dwight: What does it look like?
Jim: Dead goose.
Dwight: And circle gets the square.
Jim: All right.
Dwight: [to Pam] So can you watch this? I'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk.
Toby: Oh, Dwight, we talked about this.
Dwight: No, Toby, this is different. He's already dead.
Dwight: Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed.
Dwight: He was already dead. And we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Jim: Wow. Win-Win.
Dwight: Exactly. Thank you, Jim.
Phyllis: I like goose. If it's already dead is it so crazy we eat it?
Creed: That's crazy. It's crazy.
Toby: Dwight, you cannot keep that here.
Dwight: Ok, that is ridiculous. And totally against the spirit of Christmas.
Toby: Come on Dwight. We went over this, like for a half an hour.
Dwight: It's Christmas Toby.
Toby: It's a dead animal in an office. You can't...
Dwight: Toby...
Toby: I'm sorry.
Dwight: [sighs] Please? Please?
Toby: Clean it in your car.
Pam: I would like it off my desk.
Dwight: Oh Pam. Take a chill pill.
Michael: [Riding a bicycle down the hallway and singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. [Struggling to stay on] 'Tis the ... ack. [expletive] Hey! [to Pam] I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps, some Pam-chops, with mint...
Pam: Can I help you, Michael?
Michael: I'm looking for the toy drive box.
Pam: It's behind you.
Michael: OK... Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit, with all these little knickknacks.
Jim: Wow. What kind of bike is that?
Michael: Umm... I don't know? Average kind?
Kevin: The tires look pretty worn.
Michael: Well, that is probably from the test drive.
Jim: But the paint's chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?
Michael: No.
Andy: Yo, Michael, sweet ride Mike.
Michael: Oh, thanks. [Michael and Andy do a fist bump and explosion.]
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yes? [Pam holds up a bag] Oh Pam, that is so sweet. You didn't have to do that.
Pam: [hands over bag] I didn't, it's from corporate.
Michael: OK. Did everybody get one of these?
Pam: Yup.
Michael: Terrific. Good.
Michael: This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. [singing] I've got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we're leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah.
Jim: [Creed takes toy from toy drive box.] Oh, I think you're supposed to put a toy
Creed: And a happy holiday to you.
Jim: [Carol walks through door looking upset] [waves] Carol.
Carol: Hi, is Michael around here?
Michael: There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello [kisses Carol] You're about five hours early to the party. You're such a blonde. [laughs]
Carol: Michael.
Michael: Hey, everybody. I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them. This is my girlfriend - Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em, show 'em the other side.
Carol: [whispers] What?
Michael: Turn around, turn around. Come on. [making a body turning gesture]
Carol: Get outta here.
Michael: No, you get outta here.
Andy: Michael
Michael: Yes.
Andy: If I may say. She's even prettier that you described her.
Dwight: [standing up] Oh, ouch. Michael, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you described her.
Michael: Thank you.
Carol: I really need a moment alone with you. [Carol heads towards Michael's office.]
Michael: Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. [puts finger on her back and reaches for her butt] Berp.
Carol: What is this? [Holds up a Christmas photo]
Michael: That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings.
Carol: No. See, we never went on a ski trip.
Michael: I know.
Carol: I went on a ski trip.
Michael: Right.
Carol: Two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.
Michael: Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense. I was in your heart...
Carol: Michael.
Michael: And next to your kids. What?
Carol: This is so weird.
Michael: I don't understand?
Jim: It's a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. [Towards unseen cameraman] Is bold the right word?
Carol: I think you're a really sweet guy.
Michael: OK
Carol: But, um, I don't know how to deal with, with this thing [waves Christmas card]. And, and the proposal. And I don't think things are going to work out with us.
Michael: No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you're not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in [making drum noise] Jamaica's largest fresh water pool.
Carol: What are you talking about?
Michael: I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. [Carol shakes head in disappointment]. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is.
Carol: Oh, no. Michael.
Michael: And it's all inclusive.
Carol: Michael...
Michael: Yes.
Carol: I'm sorry.
Michael: No, Carol. You walk out that door and it is over.
Carol: I know. [Closes door.]
Pam: Psst. Jim. [Jim turns around. Pam nods head towards her for him to come over] Um, hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now because, well, I'll just tell you.
Jim: What?
Pam: For the past few months I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA. [hands a folder to Jim]
Jim: Are you serious?
Pam: They're considering him for a top secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never ever tell.
Jim: [Opens folder and reads from Dwight's file] Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp. Wow.
Pam: So... here's the gift. You get to decide what his top secret mission is. [Jim smiles] Sorry I didn't wrap it.
Jim: [closes folder] You know what? Uh, I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore, you know?
Pam: Oh.
Jim: No, because of the promotion.
Pam: Oh yeah.
Jim: It just feels a little bit, like...
Pam: No, I get it, of course. OK. [holds out hand for folder. Jim gives Pam back the folder.]
Jim: I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do., then ... what am I doing?
Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.
Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael: Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year's.
Stanley: What does that mean?
Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.
Pam: Michael, what's going on?
Michael: Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances.
Jim: Will they still air 'Rudolph?'
Kevin: That's not fair.
Dwight: [over everybody else's talking] Are we gonna cancel Hanukah as well?
Michael: Fine! [everybody stops talking] Have your party. Just no guests.
Phyllis: But we invited guests.
Michael: Well, you know what Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess.
Michael: Oh, oh, oh, oh, it hurts.
Pam: I know.
Michael: It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms.
Pam: OK, well, why are you laying like that?
Michael: [moves a little] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?
Pam: Like what?
Michael: Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary?
Pam: Well.. um I, I don't...
Michael: And not that you didn't want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I'm referring to?
Pam: I don't need to know.
Dwight: Michael. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, It appears we're one bathrobe short.
Michael: Take it from Toby.
Dwight: Copy.
Michael: Hey, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me?
Pam: No, thank you.
Michael: It's all... [Pam walks away.] OK.
Toby: Hey Dwight. Pretty nice robe- [Dwight grabs bag with robe in it and walks away.] Why?
Angela: Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: No, orange is whorish.
Karen: Uh, so I had a couple of ideas to make the Stamford people feel more at home. Each year we have a Christmas raffle ... [Phyllis and Pam nod their heads in agreement].
Angela: It would never work here.
Karen: Ok ... um, another idea was karaoke ...
Angela: No.
Karen: A Christmas drinking game ...
Meredith: Yes.
Angela: God help you.
Karen: What?
Angela: These are all terrible ideas and none of them are on the theme of 'A Nutcracker Christmas.' I think you should leave.
Karen: You're kidding.
Angela: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. [Angela gets up from seat] Please. [Karen gets up and leaves] Thank you. OK, thank you very much. [Angela closes door]
Michael: What are you doing? ['Goodbye My Lover' by James Blunt plays]
Dwight: [putting things into a box] We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol.
Andy: Hey, what's the haps? [Dwight shuts door in his face.]
Michael: Carol?
Dwight: Oh, look at this. [looks through papers] Your old condo closing papers. It's riddled with Carol's name. I wish I could throw this in the box. [Michael hits repeat to 'Goodbye My Lover' on computer]
Dwight: Why don't you just buy the whole song?
Michael: I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it.
Dwight: Oh, look at this, she saved you two thousand dollars 'cause they failed to report a mold problem. [Continues to sift through papers] But wouldn't that affect the final... How did she? Oh, oh, I see what she did. That is good. Wow. Carol is one smart cookie.
Michael: [singing] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. [hits repeat again]
Michael: This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.
Pam: I feel like I've been kinda cold to Karen and there's no real reason for it. I mean it's not like she's ever done anything to me. So, I think I probably shouldn't be cold to her.
Pam: Hey, Karen. Sorry about that meeting today, that was really crazy.
Karen: Yeah, right? I'm so glad you said that. Because, I don't know how those meetings usually go.
Pam: Um, usually like that.
Karen: Does anyone ever stand up to Angela or..?
Pam: I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face. [both laugh]
Karen: Right.
Pam: Um, I really liked your karaoke idea.
Karen: Oh cool, yeah.
Pam: That could really be fun.
Karen: Oh, thank you.
Pam: You guys do a raffle?
Karen: Yeah, we do a raffle...
Toby: Hey Kev.
Kevin: Hey. [Toby puts hand on Kevin's back, who is wearing the robe and feels it a little bit.]
Angela: This should've been up yesterday. [refers to party flyer]
Phyllis: It'll be all right.
Angela: [Pam puts up another flyer] What is that? [Reads flyer] The 'Committee to Plan Parties invites you to a margarita-karaoke Christmas?' There's no such thing as the 'Committee to Plan Parties.'
Pam: There is now. We just started it.
Angela: Well, you just can't start a committee. You have to have funding.
Karen: What's your funding?
Angela: Two hundred dollars.
Pam: What's ours again?
Karen: Umm, two hundred and one dollars.
Pam: Oh right.
Kelly: [pointing] Hey, a margarita-karaoke Christmas party, that sounds like fun.
Angela: No, that is not a party. There's only one party and it's hosted by the Party PLANNING Committee and it starts at three o'clock.
Kevin: Then why are there two flyers?
Karen: Oh, I understand that this is confusing for everyone, let me explain. There's a party that starts at three.
Kevin: Right.
Karen: And then there's a way more fun party that starts at two forty-five.
Pam: Right, and if you're interested in the way more fun party, all the info can be found here on our more brightly colored flyer. [Angela rips down brightly colored flyer and walks away. Karen rips down Angela's flyer.]
Kevin: I didn't see where it was.
Jim: Yup, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together. And that's what you want, right?
Karen: I think that's a really good option...
Dwight: Pam and Karen. I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning. Immediately.
Pam: You can't do that.
Dwight: As ranking number three in this office, I am order -
Andy: Umm... I'm number three.
Dwight: You're number four.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm number three.
Dwight: Ah, no. [to Pam and Karen] You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately that will be returned to you on January fourth.
Jim: OK, I think I can help here.
Dwight: Ok, good
Jim: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member. The committee will act on this now.
Dwight: OK, this is stupid.
Jim: Could you please keep it down? [interrupted Dwight] I'm in session. I've determined that this committee is valid. [Pam and Karen cheer.]
Dwight: No no, no, wait, wait, wait [raises hand] Permission to join the Validity Committee.
Jim: Permission denied.
Dwight: Damn it!
Andy: Hey. I can't concentrate when I know you're in pain, man. Let me take you to lunch. [Michael sighs.] C'mon, my treat.
Michael: All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway.
Andy: That's my boy. I know the perfect place, too.
Michael: Hooters?
Andy: No. Benihana. Much classier. But don't worry, the babes are totally hot, too. [do a fist bump and explosion]
Michael: Ah, I need my entourage [both exit Michael's office] Jim. Dwight. Ryan. C'mon, we're going to Asian Hooters.
Ryan: Ah man, I can't.
Michael: Why not?
Ryan: I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night. [Michael feels Ryan's forehead]
Michael: Ok, feel better.
Ryan: Thanks.
Michael: C'mon Jim, let's go.
Jim: OK. [to Ryan] Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.
Ryan: Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here. [Holds up blackberry.] Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back.
Michael: Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'.
Andy: So she looks really hot, so I said, 'You look hotter than usual today.' [to waitress] Thank you. Michael [gesturing to sit down.] Head of the table.
Dwight: Get out Jim. [Dwight tries to sit between Andy and Jim] Actually, um... [to two other people at the table] Sir, I'm going to need take this chair.
Michael: Dwight, just, just leave them alone please. They're on a date. They look very happy.
Andy: So she looks at me right, and she goes, 'I'm sorry, don't I even know you?' After a year, a
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: I can't... I can't here what you're saying.
Michael: Carol used to drink lattes.
Dwight: [off screen at other end of table] What're you talking about?
Michael: She would get this little foam mustache...
Dwight: [still off screen] Carol had a mustache?
Michael: And I used to say 'Hey, got latte?' And she'd say, that's not funny.
Dwight: [off screen] What are you guys talking about?
Michael: She totally got me. She understood that we didn't have to laugh to enjoy -
Dwight: Michael! Repeat what you said louder!
Dwight: It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I'm here for Michael? [food is thrown at Dwight's face]
Michael: I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I can't, OK, I'm gonna call her. I am gonna call and find out...
Andy: No.
Dwight: Who are you calling?
Michael: I'm just gonna call her.
Andy: Put that away. Put that away. S.O.S. We... I... May day. Haha. Man down over here, [to waitress] we need your help.
Waitress: What can I get for 'ya?
Andy: I think we'll start with a round of noga-sakes. [waitress gives confused look]
Andy: One part eggnog, three parts sake. Some places won't make it for you though, because eggnog is seasonal.
Phyllis: You should, you should put out salt for the rims [referring to margaritas]
Pam: That's a great idea.
Angela: Phyllis?
Phyllis: I was just getting a snack.
Pam: You can have your snack in here.
Angela: Pam, don't tell her what to do! Phyllis.
Phyllis: OK.
Kevin: I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know.
Ryan: I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to.
Roy: So I only use three?
Pam: If you're using more than three pieces of tape to wrap a present, you're doing it wrong.
Roy: OK. And where to do you get all those cool bows?
Pam: Oh, I just get those at any party supply place.
Roy: OK. Are you sure I can't use like, the cartoons from the newspaper?
Pam: Oh yeah, your mom would love that.
Roy: [Karen walks in] Hey. All right, I'll see you guys later. [leaves room]
Pam: Bye.
Karen: He's cute. You should date him.
Pam: Oh, yeah... Maybe.
Dwight: Looks like you've got a little Nakiri knife action going there.
Chef: No, it's Usuba.
Dwight: Yeah, I bet you wish you had a Nakiri, though.
Chef: Actually, the Usuba's the better knife when you're working with this quantity.
Dwight: Nah, I don't know... Still think Nakiri's better.
Woman at bar: I think he'd know. [Dwight and her stare at each other]
Michael: Nothing he's doing is cheering me up.
Andy: Wait for the onion. Trust me. Hey Cindy, he just had his heart broken, you wouldn't do that to him, would you?
Cindy: I don't know.
Michael: Oh, sure you would. Look at you, I bet you break up with a guy every hour. [Cindy laughs and walks away]
Andy: You made her laugh. Yes! She totally digs us. [referring to what chef is doing] Watch, watch, watch, watch. [Onions smoke up] Heh, heh? What did I tell 'ya?
Michael: You're right. That's good.
Pam: Hello everyone. We would just like to announce that our party is starting now in the break room. So... you can come by... .
Angela: I have a very important announcement to make... about... your paychecks. Umm... Your paychecks will be arriving as scheduled on Friday. And they will be in the correct amount that they are normally in... Please stand by for a very important announcement... refer..[starts to leave office] for further regarding your paycheck! [runs outside]
Angela: [on cell phone to Dwight] I need to know if I can start the party?
Dwight: Michael! Hey! Over here, Michael! [waves down Michael with a napkin and whistles to get attention]
Andy: This drink... [in audible conversation with Michael]
Michael: I don't know. No one can hear me. You know what? Start the party.
Angela: Did Michael give you permission to do this?
Dwight: [with conviction] Start the party.
Angela: [Angela slams phone shut and runs back to office.] Also, I would like to inform you that, um, as a special treat, my party will be starting early. In fact, it will be starting right now [opens door to conference room.]
Pam: Our party is also starting now [opens door to break room.]
Karen: Yup.
Karen: [Stanley gets up and walks towards the break room.] All right Stanley. Woo.
Pam: Good choice. [Kelly drags Ryan to the break room.]
Angela: Welcome Hannah. You will not be disappointed.
Hannah: Why would I be disappointed?
Angela: I said you wouldn't be disappointed. [Meredith heads towards break room.]
Angela: Meredith, if you don't come to my party, you will be very, very sorry.
Meredith: Is that a threat?
Angela: No, it's an invitation.
Pam: We have vodka!
Karen: Lots of it! [Meredith leaves to break room party.]
Kevin: I hear Angela's party will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela. Double fudge... Angela... double fudge... Angela [puts out hands to weigh his options] Hmmm...
Angela: Brownies. Cupcakes. [Kevin walks toward conference room]
Kevin: Don't push it.
Karen: Are we taking this too far? You know what, I don't think we're taking this far enough. [Pam and Karen look at each other] What?
Pam: I got goose bumps.
Angela: I don't back down. My sister and I used to be best friends, and we haven't talked in 16 years. Over some disagreement, I don't even remember. So... yeah. I'm pretty good.
Michael: Ahh, damn this chicken is good. My compliments to the chef. [points to chef] Which is you! Right? Hahahaha. Awesome! I need some meat. I want some steak. [leans over to neighboring man's plate] I see steak.
Man: Excuse me.
Michael: Excuse me [tries to take away meat with chopsticks] Ah, un guard. [Fights with chopsticks and laughs] Family style.
Jim: No, it's not.
Andy: Cindy, Cindy.
Michael: I don't think... I love it!
Andy: I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house. [Cindy laughs] C'mon, do it for Michael. He's had a really long day.
Michael: [laughing] I don't know what he's doing.
Andy: This is great.
Dwight: Jim! Jim! What... What's happening?
Jim: Oh, [points to Cindy] she's asleep.
Dwight: Oh... Narcolepsy.
Jim: Probably.
Andy: Now open your eyes and describe it to me.
Cindy: I... don't know, it has four bed rooms and a loft...
Dwight: Oh my gosh, now she's up.
Jim: And she's trying to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it.
Dwight: Oh, OK. Cindy! Yo, Cindy! Cindy! Hold its neck back and insert the knife below the jaw. Bring it all the way around, there's going to be a good amount of blood. [Cindy looks confused. Woman next to Dwight is disgusted] Don't let it bother you. Have a bucket there, for the blood... and the innards... and the feathers.
Jim: Oh no, this is different. The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight. This is more like a umm... OK, it's pretty much the same thing.
Kelly: What d'ya think? [to Stanley about his drink]
Stanley: Fruity and delicious.
Kelly: See, I told you. You want one Meredith?
Meredith: No thanks. They're too sweet.
Karen: Hey, so what's the status.
Ryan: Looks like they forgot the power cord.
Pam: What?
Karen: Oh, you're kidding me?
Ryan: No.
Karen: Oh, you guys, guys, um... I'm sorry, but there's a problem with the karaoke machine. [everyone sighs]
Kelly: Well that blows.
Darryl: Hang on little ladies. You don't need this thing, I'll go grab my synthesizer. [Everyone cheers]
Everybody: Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! [Darryl exits break room and passes Phyllis]
Phyllis: Hi.
Darryl: Hey. Hey, look, when you get done with your... [looks inside conference room] meeting, you should, uh, come to the break room. We're having a party.
Phyllis: Oh, ok.
Darryl: All right. Se you later...
Hannah: [tries to break nut on a Nutcracker doll] These nuts are really hard to crack.
Angela: Try harder then. [Hannah smashes Nutcracker on top of nut. Sees Kevin take another brownie] Uh uh. No one has seconds until everyone's had some.
Kevin: You've got to be kidding!
Angela: You've got to be kidding. {Kevin takes bite of brownie]
Phyllis: Cold, huh?
Ryan: Huh? [puts on jacket]
Phyllis: Maybe that'll help. Is it cold in there?
Andy: [referring to waitresses] They have been checking us out, all night! I am not kidding!
Michael: You know what we should do?
Andy: What?
Michael: We should invite them to the Christmas party.
Andy: Now, you are thinking. Yes. And you know what? Because you have had such a rough day, you get Cindy.
Michael: Oh, you are such mench my friend. [They stand up and do fist bump and explosion]
Michael: OK, where is everybody? I would like them to meet my new girlfriend. [Guys walk in with two different waitresses from Benihana's]
Jim: I'm sure they'll want to meet her, too.
Michael: The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike.
Second Cindy: That rocks.
Michael: Nah, you rock. Tell you what, if you want it, it's yours.
Second Cindy: Thanks! I, I wanna give you something.
Michael: Oh. [She whispers in his ear. Michael starts to laugh] That's what she said.
Michael: Hello? I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend.
Andy: My new girlfriend.
Angela: Where's Dwight?
Second Cindy: Is he the hot one or the giant baby?
Michael: [whispers] The giant baby. Wow, I am so sorry, I had no idea this party would be so lame.
Phyllis: [under her breath] There's another party in the break room.
Michael: Oh, party in the break room! Let's go, let's go! Thank God! Let's go to the break room.
Angela: Hey, excuse me! Waitress lady! Hey, where do you think you're going with that? [refers to toy she just took from table]
Second Cindy: I thought I could have it.
Angela: You can't have it [takes back toy] I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.
Michael: Shhh... Shut it! C'mon! Party.
Dwight: Hey! It's Angela! [Angela slams door shut, but not before Kevin sneaks out] Hey!
Michael: We're going to ...
Kevin: [singing] I want you to know. That I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but...
Michael: I just think there are two, two specific kinds of people in the world. People who own houses and people who own condos. [turns to reach for pretzel while Second Cindy turns other direction] And... my question to you [points and pulls away other waitress] is do you agree?
Other waitress: Do I agree about what?
Michael: Do you agree about what? [laughs] Wow. You're lucky you're so darn cute.
Other waitress: What're you talking about?
Michael: What're you talking about?
Kevin: [singing] And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me of the cross I bear that you give to me. You, you, you, you, you, you, you oughta know ta know.
Jim: All right [high fives Kevin]
Angela: Did you have fun at Benihana's?
Dwight: No. It was awful. I couldn't hear anything. [cheers from other party]
Angela: I've had the worse day here [turns up Nutcracker music on the stereo. [Sighs. Dwight reaches for and holds Angela's hand]
Karen: [Karen and Pam enter] Dwight, you won the raffle! [holds out gift]
Dwight: No... way! Yeah!
Karen: Open it! Open it ! Open it! [Dwight rips open present. Angela is upset and Pam notices]
Dwight: Oh.
Karen: Do you like it?
Dwight: Walkie-talkies.
Pam: Can I talk to you a second?
Dwight: Yes!
Karen: Well the Committee to Plan Parties has served its purpose. We're gonna disband. In the name of Christmas.
Pam: [holds up rice krispie shaped like a star] In the name of Nutcracker Christmas.
Karen: Angela, we've been hearing really great thing about uh... your brownies and we were hoping you'd consider merging into two parties.
Angela: I'm not sure. Does your karaoke machine have Christmas songs?
Pam: Yeah, but we don't have a power cord.
Angela: Oh, I may have seen it somewhere. [Goes to plant and picks up power cord] Is it this one?
Pam: Mmm. Hmm.
Karen: Yeah, thanks.
Pam: We'll go tell everyone.
Karen: OK.
Andy and Michael: [singing] And if you want love, we'll make it. Swim in a big sea of blankets. Take all your big plans and break 'em. This is bound to take awhile. Your body is a wonderland. [Michael notices Cindy ride up to him on the bike and looks confused] Your body is a wonderland.
Andy: Your hands.
Both: Your body is a wonderland.
Andy: I'll use my hands on it.
Both: Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face...
Kelly: [singing] Whatever we deny or embrace. For worse or for better. We belong, we belong, we belong together... Ryan...
Michael: When you know, you just know.
Kevin: Right.
Michael: Check her out. My little gal over there. Babe-alectable.
Roy: Which one is she? [Michael stares at both waitresses]
Michael: It's... it's one of those two. [points at both]
Roy: You don't know?
Kevin: Dude, you should know.
Michael: Yeah... well, it's been hard, they're wearing the exact same uniform. And I've been drinking. And you know how all waitresses look alike.
Michael: I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like?
Michael: Hey. Where's my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I don't know where she is. 'Cause I'm drunk, I can't even find her.
Second Cindy: You know where I am.
Michael: Haha, I do! I just haven't hugged you in awhile [marks Cindy's arm with a black marker]
Second Cindy: Oh.
Michael: Oh, good. That felt good. Let's go. Party.
Creed: [singing] Spinnin' n reelin with love. Give it the time, I might come back down. But it feels so good. My feet don't touch the ground. Wha..wha..wild. Wha..wha..wild. Well everybody knows, I'm crazy about 'ya...
Dwight: [into walkie-talkie] Monkey, this is Possum. Do you copy?
Angela: [into another walkie-talkie] Copy, Possum. What's your twenty?
Karen: No way. [both hold up Bridget Jones' Diary movie DVD]
Jim: What a horrible, horrible movie that was.
Karen: And now we get to remember it forever.
Jim: Thank you.
Karen: Thank you. [Both hug]
Second Cindy: Hey.
Michael: Hey, hey, you. How are ya?
Second Cindy: Hey. This party blows, so we're gonna leave.
Michael: No, no, no. Hey, you should stay because we are having fun and...
Second Cindy: Cool...
Michael: Where do you wanna go?
Second Cindy: I... We're just gonna take off.
Michael: I... you know what? I, OK, listen. I like you. I really like you. So much in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals, Jamaica.
Second Cindy: No... I have school. [leaves with other waitress and bicycle]
Michael: You want help? OK... Merry Christmas.
Second Cindy: Merry Christmas.
Dwight: [singing] Lady, from the moment I saw you standing all alone. You gave all the love that I needed...
Michael: That waitress was the one.
Jim: No. She wasn't.
Michael: How can you be sure?
Jim: Well, for starters, I've known you as a couple since the beginning of the relationship, which was approximately [looks a watch] three hours ago.
Michael: Don't make fun... You're making fun of me.
Jim: Sorry.
Michael: I guess, I didn't know her very well. I marked her arm.
Jim: You what?
Michael: I, I put a mark on her arm. [Both are laughing] So I could tell them apart. I don't... I know, I know. I can't believe I gave her my bike!
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Oh, why do I feel like crap?
Jim: You just had a rebound.
Michael: I had rebound? Yeah.
Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.
Michael: I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn't score and I'm not sure who's actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn't matter. It's all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o.
Angela: [singing, with Dwight holding up microphone] Little baby, parum pum pum pum. I am a poor boy too, parum pum pum pum. I have no gift to bring, parum pum pum pum. That's fit to give our King, parum pum pum pum..
Michael: [on phone] Yes, I just wanted to see if, uh you would like to come to Jamaica with me. There's this resort called Sandals. Really? OK. All right. I promise you won't be disappointed. Umm, It's all-inclusive...
Angela: [singing] ... Shall I play for you, parum pum pum pum [Oscar and Gil walk through door]
Oscar: Too soon. [both turn back around and walk out]
Angela: [singing] I played my drum for Him, parum pum pum pum. I played my best for Him, parum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
Dwight: [singing along] pum pum pum pum pum pum pum
Dwight: Bye Pam.
Pam: Night.
Jim: [to Pam] Oh, you know what? Sorry, forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters in Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents.
Pam: We should get him a bus ticket. [types on computer] To make his trip easier.
Jim: Oh no, that would be great.
Pam: It costs seventy five dollars.
Jim: Hmm... Well, maybe the CIA can send a helicopter?
Pam: Ohh... [laughs]
Dwight: [Cell phone beeps] What the? [Reading text message] 'You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone.' Destroy phone? [Dwight throws phone off of the roof and walks away]
Michael: William Randolph Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, and I'm paraphrasing here, 'Love doth be poison.' Brilliant. And a lot of people don't give Shakespeare enough credit. They think it was somebody else. A-holes.
Angela: When Michael suggested canceling Christmas, I was outraged, not on my behalf, but on behalf of baby Jesus. I mean, would he cancel Christmas because he got dumped or he was two weeks behind on his party planning, on top of the fact that his cats were ill? I think not. I think baby Jesus would suck it up and plan his party.
Karen: We didn't have a party planning committee in Stamford. Somebody would just volunteer to run out to Carvel and pick up an ice cream cake. So the fact that they have a committee here, fascinating.
Angela: This is ridiculous. I... I've spent so much time, like I always do. And for that little trollop to come in here and throw her own party... Are you even listening to me?
Toby: Angela, what do you want me to do?
Angela: I want you to tell her to stop, Toby. Am I being clear?
Toby: [sighing] Look, it's a free country. If she wants to throw a party...
Angela: What are you...?
Toby: ...using her own money...
Angela: And what...
Toby: ...then she should be allowed to.
Angela: No she shouldn't.
Toby: The more the merrier.
Angela: [Angela slaps Toby on the face.] Stop it.
Toby: Oww.
Angela: I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I want to wake you up to the injustice that's going on right in front of your face.
Toby: That really hurt. I'm writing you up. [Angela makes an angry face] Hey, you are not allowed to touch other employees. Am I being clear?
Angela: Michael was so right about you. You are pathetic.
Creed: I don't care which party I go to. Once you've danced naked at a hash bonfire with the spirits of the dead, all parties seem pretty much the same.
Kevin: I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know.
Phyllis: Where would you like the Rice Krispy Treat stars?
Angela: They're Sugarplum fairy wands.
Phyllis: Sugarplum fairy wands.
Angela: It's like you weren't even at the meeting.
Stanley: I'm going to the party in the break room, because they have more chairs in there. If I have to stand around a long time, I get real unpleasant to be around.
Angela: [Phyllis puts down phone] Hmm hmm. [Phyllis gets up and goes to Angela's party]
Michael: No, no, no, no. You know what, I better hold off. I wanna make sure I don't dial Carol before I get drunk.
Jim: So, really, you're just calling her?
Michael: Yeah. You know what? I am. I'm gonna call her. That's a good idea.
Dwight: [from across the table] Where's Michael going? Michael? Is he sick? Is he choking?
Michael: [on [phone] No, I don't think I'm asking too much. I think it's only fair that you tell me exactly what I did wrong. Okay. Uh huh. Well that... yeah. Uh huh. All right. Well, could you tell me something that I did
Ryan: [knocks on office wall] Hey.
Kelly: Hello, Ryan.
Ryan: Merry Christmas. [hands over a gift]
Kelly: Oh, thank you. Do you always get presents for your ex-girlfriends?
Ryan: Okay, we're never technically... um is there.. Is there a problem?
Kelly: Well, I didn't get you anything, because you have treated me inconsiderately, and I'm not gonna stand for that anymore.
Ryan: Um That's... That's fair. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas. [Ryan starts walking away.]
Kelly: [runnning after him] Wait, Ryan, you're not mean. You're adorable. I'm so sorry. I got you a present, too. But then when I got to work, I didn't see anything on my desk from you, so I threw it away. And then Asuncion took the trash out, that's why I think it's in the dumpster. I'm so sorry. I'm the worst. [Kelly hugs Ryan]
Angela: There's no fizz in this punch. Phyllis!
Phyllis: I'll just go get a ginger ale.
Angela: No, I've got it, Phyllis. Stay. Have fun. Eat your wand.
Ryan: [talking to Kelly in dumpster] Hey, Kelly, you know what? Throw my gift away, too.
Kelly: [from inside dumpster] No, you paid money for that CD.
Ryan: I'm serious. It'll show that we don't care about material things.
Kelly: I don't understand.
Ryan: Kelly, I'm so cold!
Kelly: [starts to cry] You don't have to scream at me.
Ryan: Are you having fun in this relationship?
Kelly: Sometimes.
Ryan: I don't know Kelly, sometimes I look at us and I think...
Kelly: [crying] Don't dump me while I'm in the dumpster. Just go back inside if you're so cold. I'll just stay in the dumpster. [Ryan smirks]
Ryan: [both inside dumpster] Did you look over here?
Kelly: Who's eating all these apples?
Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: And what are these? Are... Why are there egg yolks in here? Aren't you supposed to eat the yolks?
Ryan: Michael was on an egg-yolk diet. He's so weird.
Kelly: Do you think I should diet?
Ryan: No, you're perfect. [Kelly gasps] What? Did you find it?
Kelly: No, I'm scared.
Ryan: All of a sudden?
Kelly: Uh huh. Hold me.
Michael: Oh, honey, here's Stanley.
Second Cindy: Hi.
Michael: He is also in an interracial relationship, so, you know, if you have any problems, you can always call him.
Stanley: Oh, you're gonna face far greater problems than I can possibly help you with.
Michael: Sounds good. Okay, let's go.


Jim: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this?
Dwight: Tape recorder.
Jim: For what?
Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Jim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment.
Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight: I'm not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!
Dwight: I do not have a knife!
Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!
Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight: Give me it. I am not.
Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly...
Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach.
Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
Michael: Hey, mon!
Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.
Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.
Pam: OK.
Michael: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later.
Pam: It's kind of serious.
Michael: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
Pam: How was Jamaica?
Michael: It was
Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
Stanley: They said I should talk to you.
Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna...
Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.
Jim: You want to talk about it?
Karen: Nope.
Karen: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a 'for rent' sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.
Michael: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.
Pam: That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell]
Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Pam: Huh.
Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.
Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
Pam: But you can't today, we're doing inventory.
Michael: Inventory's at the end of December.
Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.
Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
Michael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?
Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for 'impossible.'
Jim: Yep, it's English, it's 'impossible.'
Angela: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.
Michael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.
Michael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.' This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.
Pam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor]
Everybody: What? Where?
Pam: On the left.
Everybody: Oh yeah, oh my God.
Michael: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.
Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.
Michael: [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.
Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.
Packer: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it.
Michael: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim.
Packer: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim.
Michael: Oh no?
Packer: No.
Michael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Packer: Well, no. I got nothing.
Michael: Check it again. Hit refresh.
Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing.
Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] Packer@DunderMifflin.com.
Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?
Michael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl?
Roy: He's in the office.
Michael: OK, Hey, man, how's it going?
Darryl: All right, what's up Mike?
Michael: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
Darryl: Yup.
Michael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not 'packaging.' Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?
Darryl: Uh huh.
Michael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.
Darryl: Yup.
Michael: And you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken]
Jim: Yikes.
Kevin: Already sent it to you my friend.
Jim: Fantastic.
Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: You OK?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You sure?
Jim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.
Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it?
Jim: Really?
Michael: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight: Who's the target?
Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is 'Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.'
Dwight: What's it of?
Michael: Not important.
Dwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael: OK, forget it.
Dwight: OK, I accept it.
Jim: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.
Pam: Hmm.
Jim: Hmm, what?
Pam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?
Jim: Yeah, I guess.
Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.
Pam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah.
Jim: Hey, thanks a lot.
Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!
Jim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing]
Toby: Hey I need to talk to you right now.
Michael: Not now, not ever.
Toby: About you and Jan.
Michael: Aww, none of your business.
Toby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now.
Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need.
Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
Toby: All right, thanks Michael.
Michael: OK.
Angela: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping.
Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?
Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you.
Michael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam: He'll call you back. OK, great.
Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.
Dwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer?
Dwight: Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse.
Michael: There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Dwight: No, it's... involves the photograph.
Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.
Roy: [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.
Michael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]
Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!
Michael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman-
Kevin: Jan.
Michael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe...
Jim: Urkel Grue.
Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?
Michael: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell]
Pam: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Pam: What are you doing out here?
Michael: Island living. You know?
Pam: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you.
Michael: Did she say what it's about?
Pam: That's all she said.
Andy: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell]
Jim: Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper]
Karen: You sure?
Jim: Definitely.
Dwight: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.
Michael: There are copies in the bathroom?
Dwight: There were. A lot of them.
Michael: All right.
Karen: I think I owe you one.
Pam: Sorry?
Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Karen: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously.
Pam: Sure.
Darryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life.
Dwight: Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he?
Pam: What? No, it's not... it's nothing.
Dwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here.
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight: Yeah.
Pam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here.
Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?
Jan: Hello everyone. Hello Michael.
Michael: Guh.
Kevin: Hi Jan, you look... tan.
Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Kevin: Yeah. How was it?
Jan: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.
Michael: OK, yup.
Jan: Why am I here, Michael?
Michael: I...
Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?
Michael: I... I... Yes.
Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.
Michael: OK, yeah.
Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I...
Jan: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.
Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.
Jan: Good, good.
Michael: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh...
Jan: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time...
Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]
Jan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.
Michael: Jan, you... complete... me.
Jan: Oh, God.
Roy: Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?
Pam: Yeah.
Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother.
Kevin: What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]
Michael: I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags.
Michael: Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! [snickers] So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It's called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That's how I want every day to be.
Pam: Michael sends me a postcard from every vacation he goes on. Atlantic City, he wishes I was here. Busch Gardens, Virginia, all I got was this lousy postcard. And this time, I'm Jamaican-him-crazy. I don't know how far away he thought he was, because he put $10 worth of stamps on this.
Dwight: Hello, you're back.
Michael: Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office.
Dwight: While you were gone...
Michael: Me had an i-rey time.
Dwight: While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up.
Michael: Dwight, please, please.
Dwight: He turned over my...
Michael: I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let's don't... Don't harsh my mellow, mon.
Dwight: I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell.
Michael: Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig.
Dwight: Unbelievable.
Michael: Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there.
Andy: I give thanks, mon.
Michael: You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela]
Angela: No, I didn't.
Michael: Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something.
Pam: That's okay.
Michael: I'm just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts!
Pam: No.
Michael: [laughs] Try it on.
Pam: No.
Michael: Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don't think I did.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: Stanley, I got you some ganja. I'm just kidding. It's coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja.
Michael: I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. [holds up CD] Waves over Jamaica, $6.99.
Creed: Did he actually give you some ganja?
Stanley: No.
Creed: You want some?
Michael: Okay, let me tell you a little story. When I was on vacation, I met a man named Bavon. And Bavon takes people parasailing. And you know what he said to me? He said that he loves going to work every day. How many of you can say that you love going to work every day like Bavon? [Dwight and Andy raises hand] No one.
Kevin: But, Michael, Buvon gets to go parasailing every day, and that's fun.
Michael: His name is Bavon. And you know what? I'm sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I'm sure he would like to take a day off. I'm sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself.
Michael: I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can't afford it, and corporate won't pay for it. So who's the real criminal?
Michael: How many of you know the meaning of the Jamaican term, Hakuna Matata?
Jim: [raises hand] Are you stoned?
Michael: I...
Jim: In the picture, are you high?
Michael: Oh, that's red eye.
Jim: Is that not what happens when you're high?
Kevin: You look like you have the munchies.
Michael: Well...
Kelly: I have the munchies. I'm gonna get some of those chocolate wafers.
Michael: Hey, can we just focus?
Pam: Michael and Jan together in Jamaica. I guess I would just need a little bit more evidence than seeing it with my own eyes.
Ryan: I don't know if Michael and Jan really went to Jamaica, because Michael's way into Photoshop. For example, I never went with him to Egypt. [holds up picture with Michael and himself in Egypt]
Phyllis: Where did you save the list of exchanges?
Stanley: I will gladly give you that information when my bonus comes through.
Phyllis: But I won't be able to do inventory without it.
Stanley: Then you won't be able to do inventory.
Phyllis: Yeah, I really like Stanley, but I'm not always sure if he likes me. I guess that's okay, 'cause I don't really like him.
Dwight: Come on. Come on.
Michael: Okay. Well, Jan's email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott.
Dwight: Try Dwight.
Michael: Her passwords aren't going to be Dwight, Dwight. That's stupid. Okay.
Michael: Don't you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that's able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I'd... Yes, I will hold.
Someone: So your trip to Scottsdale was good?
Jan: Oh yeah, Arizona's beautiful. Yeah. It's great to... great to see my sister.
Someone: Burnt.
Jan: Oh, yeah, I know. I don't... I don't normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it's Scottsdale... I was visiting my sister and...
Meredith: When a woman gets older, she'll go just about anywhere with just about anyone. I've done some things I'm not so proud of, but I've seen the world.
Angela: Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can't just whore it out.
Kevin: I should be turned on. But, last year, remember, I had that skin cancer scare, and so now all I can think is that I hope she was wearing sunscreen. God, I would love to rub some on her.
Dwight: The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking.
Pam: Okay. So I went on the Internet, and she is not gonna find another apartment for that price. I mean this one is twice as much, and it doesn't have parking. Does she like to park?
Jim: Oh, loves it.
Pam: Okay. This one is the same price but it's got...
Jim: Green walls.
Pam: I think that's mold.
Jim: Ooh... fancy.
Dwight: Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I'd drawn up for him, Jan's boobs might not be all over the Internet. [Dwight pretends to shoot out webs from his palms]
Dwight: Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. [Jim shuffles the deck of cards] Get back... Back to work!
Pam: Yes, it is The Island Luau Inventory '07. It's actually a success compared to Disco Audit '05.
Roy: What's the problem?
Ryan: We have seven fewer boxes of Canariola copier paper in stock than we're supposed to.
Roy: Let me see this. [scans one box seven times] Looks good to me.
Stanley: I wouldn't have come, but I know Jan is showing up soon. I don't wanna miss the show.
Michael: [Kelly singing] Hey! Hey! Stop your mouth, please.
Kelly: Eighty-six. Eighty-seven. [singing] Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine.
Andy: Hey Dwight, I bet I can stack faster than you can.
Dwight: Please, I can double your pace.
Andy: Oh, yeah? Prove it, champ. You ready?
Dwight: Let's go.
Andy: One, two, three, go!
Jim: [Dwight and Andy stacking boxes rapidly] Nice.
Andy: Get out of my way, Jim!
Dwight: Jim, move!
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: Okay.
Andy: Dang it.
Dwight: Two at a time!
Andy: Those aren't straight. Totally crooked. Totally crooked. You're disqualified.
Meredith: [to herself] Be careful. [yells as boxes fall on her] Hello? I'm stuck!
Michael: Hey, Stanley, in case I don't see you again after tonight, here is your bonus, $1,000 cash. Keep the change. [hands Stanley a piece of Jamaican currency]
Stanley: There is a butterfly on this. Why?
Michael: It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don't remember in which direction.
Stanley: So it's either worth $15 bucks or $65,000.
Michael: Yes, good luck with that.
Toby: You know, I actually lived in Honolulu for a year.
Kevin: Oh, so you've been to a real luau.
Toby: Yeah.
Kevin: Yeah.
Angela: I tried. We didn't have time.
Dwight: You're a box short on the black, medium-line ballpoints.
Creed: I don't know what to tell you.
Creed: One year, I had a close acquaintance of mine back a truck in here and clean out this whole place. That was a very good year. I think they blamed it on some kid.


Michael: Jim, could you come in here please?
Harvey: Hi, Jim.
Jim: Hello.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim: Yeah, you can.
Michael: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim: For this?
Michael: Pam.
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Pam: Great.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael: Oh, that is gross.
Pam: Who is 'Long Tim'?
Michael: Damn it.
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?
Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim: Yeah. Right?
Pam: Yeah.
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.
Jim: Ok.
Pam: Ok. Bye Harvey.
Harvey: Boobs.
Kevin: Angela.
Angela: What?
Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela: They arrived this morning.
Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal.
Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Kevin: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river.
Angela: Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk]
Dwight: Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Angela: Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those.
Michael: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.
Andy: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?
Michael: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.
Michael: Oh.
Andy: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Michael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.
Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Michael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.
Karen: Oh, uh, thanks.
Michael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
Stanley: Pass.
Michael: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.
Stanley: ... I'll take the kid.
Ryan: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after 'Pass.'
Michael: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?
Jim: Yup. I'll trade.
Jim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.
Andy: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.
Michael: Dwight?
Dwight: Yup?
Michael: Here ya go. [throws laundry]
Dwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Michael: Please.
Andy: He does your laundry?
Michael: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the 'Amazing Race.' [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen: Wait, 'Amazing Race' like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.
Ryan: Is there a prize?
Michael: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis: Then how is this 'Amazing Race'?
Michael: It's just... brrrrrr... It's 'Amazing Race,' Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.
Dwight: Come on!!
Phyllis: Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.]
Michael: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Andy: Bueno.
Phyllis: Do you have a pole?
Karen: Let's go get a broom.
Jim: Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?
Dwight: Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.
Michael: Here we go.
Andy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.
Andy: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Michael: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Andy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.
Angela: Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?
Pam: Really?
Angela: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun.
Pam: Ok. Sure.
Angela: Ok.
Karen: Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon?
Phyllis: Um-hmmm.
Ryan: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?
Stanley: You want the lead?
Ryan: Yeah, if you don't mind.
Stanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
Dwight: Leave the keys.
Jim: You still do that thing?
Dwight: Leave the keys!
Andy: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?
Michael: Hawkman.
Andy: My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons.
Michael: [Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting.
Jim: After you sir.
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.
Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight]
Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
Angela: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.
Pam: That's great.
Angela: Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello?
Michael: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?
Buyer: Yep.
Michael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.
Andy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once.
Michael: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.
Andy: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.
Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.
Michael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Andy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.
Michael: No.
Andy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.
Michael: Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it.
Andy: Ow.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [excited] This is Pam. I did?
Andy: Oh man. Talk about your classic 'Lame dash O.' Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
Michael: Yes.
Andy: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up.
Michael: Ah, no. Don't worry about it.
Andy: I really 'Schruted' it.
Michael: What?
Andy: Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.
Phyllis: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny.
Karen: Yeah, thank you.
Phyllis: Hey, how's Annie?
Kenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?
Julius: Stanley Hudson.
Stanley: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?
Julius: Great, great, great.
Guy: Stanley.
Stanley: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Ryan: Hi.
Stanley: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ryan: Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
Ryan: Oh...
Jim: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.
Man: Kay. 'Kay.
Dwight: Can I use your phone?
Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Dwight: Thanks.
Jim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.
Dwight: [On Phone] One...
Jim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges...
Dwight: Three...
Jim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need...
Dwight: Seven...
Jim: We can custom make them.
Pam: Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me.
Pam: Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today.
Kevin: How much did you win?
Pam: $100.00
Kevin: I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.
Pam: Cool. Congratulations.
Kevin: Thanks, so sweet.
Stanley: Ha ha ha! And you just said, 'Hi! Hi! Hi!' Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!
Man: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.
Dwight: Sure.
Jim: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Man: It's very.
Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.
Dwight: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.
Jim: [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Kelly: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Jim: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Kelly: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up]
Dwight: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.
Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal.
Jim: Thanks.
Pam: Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest.
Angela: That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.
Pam: Oh.
Angela: I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.
Pam: Oh?
Angela: Mmm-hmm.
Pam: Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand.
Angela: Well then. Have a nice day.
Karen: Thanks. That was fun.
Phyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.
Karen: Thank you.
Phyllis: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.
Karen: That's nice.
Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover.
Andy: Hey boss. Got a minute?
Michael: Yes, Andy.
Andy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael: He didn't say.
Andy: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong.
Michael: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.
Dwight: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.
Jim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.
Dwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
Jim: We should go on a double date.
Dwight: No thank you.
Jan: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'
Michael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]
Andy: Oh, doggie.
Karen: Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?
Jim: Sure. Look at you!
Karen: Yeah.
Jim: Beesley, coffee?
Pam: No, thanks. I had some already.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Oh, but, hey, Jim.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: I won an art contest today.
Jim: No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five]
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Which one was it?
Pam: I sent in one of my watercolors.
Jim: Cool.
Pam: It was the new one I did.
Jim: Oh
Karen: You ready Jim?
Jim: Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Congratulations.
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Big deal.
Dwight: Hey, we nailed the sale!
Michael: Where were you this morning?
Dwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.
Michael: Why do you lie, liar?
Dwight: I am not a liar.
Michael: You are lying right now.
Andy: It sure seems like he is lying.
Dwight: Stay out of this, you!
Michael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.
Dwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
Dwight: It's going to be ok.
Angela: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Dwight: Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
Karen: So, let me ask you a question.
Jim: Ok.
Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?
Karen: I moved here from Connecticut...
Jim: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?
Karen: Kay.
Dwight: Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .
Andy: Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp.
Dwight: I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.
Michael: Good luck.
Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed.
Angela: Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.
Dwight: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.
Jim: Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves]
Karen: What happened on your sales call?
Andy: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good.


Dwight: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.
Dwight: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.
Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.
Dwight: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.
Dwight: [in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.
Andy: [to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays 'Rockin' Robin']
Jim: Is that you singing?
Andy: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.
Jim: Nice job.
Andy: Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing]
Jim: You gonna answer it?
Andy: I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.
Jim: Yikes.
Andy: Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
Jim: Thank you.
Andy: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna...
Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
Michael: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.
Andy: The cost of doing business.
Michael: Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman...
Andy: Was the top salesman...
Michael: I said 'was'.
Andy: [chuckles] Addition by subtraction.
Michael: What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Andy: Mmmm. Yeah you're right.
Michael: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.
Oscar: Hey, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?
Oscar: Oh, that's very funny.
Kevin: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.
Oscar: [sits at his desk] Hi, Angela.
Angela: Oscar.
Andy: Hey, boss.
Michael: Hey, what's up.
Andy: Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?
Michael: Yep.
Andy: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my 'Lost' on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?
Michael: I don't know. Maybe.
Andy: Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going?
Michael: Bathroom.
Andy: Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.
Andy: [lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss.
Angela: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?
Oscar: The one of all women?
Angela: Yeah.
Oscar: Because I'm gay?
Angela: No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.
Oscar: OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's - thank you.
Angela: Thank you. [sniffles]
Kevin: Can I join too?
Angela: Never.
Staples Guy: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Dwight: [scoffs] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.
Michael: Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Pam: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Michael: Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Pam: Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.
Michael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.
Andy: Feel ya, dawg.
Michael: Yeah, do you?
Andy: Absolutely.
Michael: What did I say?
Andy: You said... [makes gibberish noises]
Michael: Huh.
Andy: Which is like, 'Right on.' And Pam was like 'blah blah blah' and you were like 'Yeah, psht.' Nailed it.
Michael: Oh, no.
Andy: Oh, no.
MIchael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for 'being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.' I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.
Oscar: I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.
Michael: No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific.
Oscar: Michael -
Michael: No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.
Michael: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.
Dwight: Need any help?
Lady: Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.
Dwight: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Lady: Okay. [moves away]
Andy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli - ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!
Jim: Hey.
Karen: Hey.
Jim: So Andy is in rare form today.
Karen: Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Jim: Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something.
Karen: Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't.
Jim: Fine. Party pooper.
Michael: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.
Andy: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ['displays' Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed]
Jim: Hey, Ryan?
Ryan: What?
Jim: You wanna pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.
Jim: I liked you better when you were the temp.
Ryan: Yeah, me too.
Michael: Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?
Phyllis: Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
Michael: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?
Stanley: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: No.
Michael: Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
Phyllis: No. Sorry.
Phyllis: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.
Paris: Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell.
Dwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Paris: So um, where were you workin' before this?
Dwight: Dunder-Mifflin.
Paris: What kind of company is that?
Dwight: [scoffs] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.
Paris: I never heard of 'em.
Dwight: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?
Paris: You gonna be like that, huh?
Paris: I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter.
Andy: [singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.
Jim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Pam: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of - yes please.
Jim: Okay, good. Stay right here.
Andy: [after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.
Jim: [hands Pam Andy's phone] Are there any messages?
Pam: Nope.
Jim: So weird.
Pam: [takes the phone] Hmm.
Michael: Nice to have Oscar back.
Angela: Yeah.
Andy: Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?
Jim: No.
Andy: Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.
Pam: Angela?
Angela: Oh. [hands Pam tape]
Pam: Is everything okay?
Angela: No.
Andy: What's going on?
Jim: What are you talking about?
Andy: Where is my FREAKING phone?!
Jim: You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
Andy: Maybe you're in the ceiling!
Jim: Okay.
Andy: [trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don't trust you, Phyllis!
Angela: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.
Michael: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Angela: Yes.
Michael: Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Angela: None of them. Especially not Andy.
Michael: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Michael: Um.
Andy: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own.
Michael: No. I don't want to do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.
Michael: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.
Dwight: [to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.
Michael: Hey.
Dwight: Hey.
Michael: What's up?
Dwight: Same old.
Michael: Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Dwight: Oh my God, she told you?
Michael: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.
Dwight: Accepted.
Michael: How's this place treating you?
Dwight: [scoffs] The boss isn't funny.
Michael: Oh, well.
Dwight: I don't get to wear my ties.
Michael: No. I'm sure.
Dwight: So?
Michael: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.
Dwight: I don't want to do your laundry anymore.
Michael: We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right.
Jim: [inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.
Pam: I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker]
Jim: [imitating Andy] 'It's not freakin' funny!'
Angela: Are you enjoying your fiesta?
Oscar: Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out - [Angela walks away] it's great.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Everybody: Yay. [scattered appalause]
Angela: Welcome back.
Dwight: Thank you.
Michael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh?
Dwight: You did this for me? [camera pans to 'Welcome Back Oscar' sign]
Michael: Guilty.
Creed: Oh... Where did you get this stuff?
Meredith: Gerty's.
Creed: Which aisle?
Meredith: I don't remember.
Creed: Well, draw me a map, mama.
Michael: Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.
Pam: No, I will not.
Michael: So does this remind you of your childhood right now?
Oscar: It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.
Michael: Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's- thanks so much.
Jim: Hey.
Karen: [sighs] Do you still have feelings for her?
Jim: [long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes.
Michael: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him]
Dwight: Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! [beats up pinata]
Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.
Andy: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. [gets out of his car] This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.
Marcy: Oh, hi. You must be Andy.
Andy: Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy!
Marcy: That's right, it's so good to meet you.
Andy: It's so good to meet you!
Marcy: Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?
Andy: Yeah.