Jan: So, I'm happy to be here. It's very nice to see all of you. You're all looking well.
Pam: Today's a 'women in the workplace' thing. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I don't really know what. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times.
Jan: Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So...
Michael: [knocks] Hey, what's going on?
Jan: Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here.
Michael: Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.
Jan: What are you doing?
Michael: Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads...
Jan: Michael.
Michael: No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: They did this up in Albany...
Jan: You are not allowed in this session.
Michael: And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so...
Jan: Now you're really not allowed in this session.
Michael: Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like...
Jan: I'm your boss.
Michael: [stands up] Anybody want any coffee or...
Jan: We're fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please.
Michael: Women in the workplace... yeah, translation 'I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.' Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!
Jan: Ladies, I am so, so sorry. Can we start again? We were on such a roll. I... I... really apologize.
Pam: Jan.
Jan: Yes, Pam?
Pam: Michael's still at the door.
Jan: Michael!
Jan: [in the background] So one obstacle is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women. Men who are assertive will be admired. They're called... anyone?
Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
Michael: Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this!
Michael: [in the background] Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap.
Michael: Let's just clap. Ready? [clapping] Yeah! Yeah!
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: That's what I'm talking about!
Jan: I don't know what you're doing here, Michael,
Michael: Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing.
Jan: ... but it's very destructive.
Michael: Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?
Jan: Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?
Michael: We have nowhere else Jan. This...
Dwight: We could do it in the warehouse.
Jan: Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse.
Michael: OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works.
Michael: Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months.
Dwight: Remember on Lost when they met the Others?
Jan: I'm so sorry about that... um... so where were we? Pam, are you okay taking notes then?
Pam: Mmmhmm.
Jan: Please? Thank you. very much.
Michael: So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear?
Darryl: My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time.
Michael: You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing.
Roy: Why?
Michael: Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy...
Roy: I don't understand.
Michael: Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing.
Kevin: [talking to Jim] I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim: Thanks for the head's up, Kev.
Kevin: I've got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.
Michael: [points at math equasion on chalkboard] Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. A little 'Good Will Hunting' situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Jan: Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking.
Meredith: Hi. I'm Meredith and I'm an alch... good at supplier relations.
Jan: Great. Phyllis?
Phyllis: I'm good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that.
Angela: [disbelieving] Really?
Phyllis: I don't know. I thought that I wasn't going to be asked that...
Jan: No. Okay. Stop. Go on...
Angela: I've seen some of your spreadsheets.
Phyllis: Really? I thought they were pretty...
Pam: I don't know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um... I mean we get along great. Fine. Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with is...
Roy: Jim... Halpert. Hey uh, I, uh, you know heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam.
Jim: Oh, no, no. No.
Roy: No, it's cool, because I know you're a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so... you know. We're cool, right?
Jim: Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely.
Roy: You know, it's great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She's not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home.
Jim: Yeah. I like talking to her too.
Roy: So, we're cool, right?
Jim: Yes. Yeah.
Roy: All right.
Jim: Yep. Cool, man.
Roy: Sweet.
Kevin: [blows a sigh of relief]
Darryl: Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today.
Michael: Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there.
Darryl: The experience...
Michael: Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?
Dwight: Okay. Let's go. Step up.
Michael: Check this out! Look at that! Look at that [squeezes blow-up doll] bwup-bwa! [talks in girly voice] Hello! How are... [regular voice] Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff.
Meredith: In five years, I'd like to be... five years sober.
Jan: That is an excellent goal.
Meredith: Four and a half.
Kelly: I'll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan.
Jan: Great! Uh-huh?
Kelly: I want an SUV... with three rows of seats.
Women: [general murmuring of agreement]
Jan: Well, I'll be honest. One of the goals of these women seminars is to feel out if there's any standouts. Women who could be a valuable addition to our Corporate life.
Dwight: Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation.
Jim: Ponies.
Dwight: No.
Ryan: How about rainbows?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Flowers.
Darryl: It's dangerous, Michael. Come on, get off this.
Michael: Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself.
Darryl: Mike.
Michael: Stand clear.
Darryl: Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now.
Michael: I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Darryl: Look, would ya... look.
Michael: Oh, oh, oh! We'll get somebody to clean that up.
Darryl: We're the ones that got to clean that up!
Lonny: Dammit, Michael!
Michael: We ought to have this thing serviced.
Michael: So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so...
Madge: Hey, do you want me to go?
Michael: No, why? Why would I... ? You could...
Madge: I'll go.
Michael: Stay or...
Phyllis: ...and a big walk-in closet.
Meredith: Oh, that's part of my dream too.
Kelly: Oh, me too.
Jan: Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream?
Pam: Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though, a husband that I love... Roy. And I love to draw. And I... I did a little in college and I'd still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way.
Phyllis: She's real good.
Pam: Thanks.
Jan: You know the company is offering a design training program in New York.
Pam: Well... I have a job right now, so I can't really take time off...
Jan: Well, it's only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out.
Pam: Well... it's just that the weekends aren't good because, um...
Jan: There are always a million reasons not to do something.
Michael: Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know?
Darryl: My priority is safety.
Michael: OK.
Darryl: So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin.
Michael: OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh...
Darryl: Uh uh uh. Don't shush me.
Michael: I... That was just...
Darryl: That bothers me too.
Michael: I was breathing.
Roy: Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.
Michael: I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men.
Lonny: You know that's a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us?
Michael: OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it.
Jan: All right. Let's talk about clothing.
Phyllis: I'm excited about today. [whispers] I love girl talk.
Jan: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. All right. You can use your clothing to send a message about your ambitions by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be.
Angela: I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman. The head of accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore.
Roy: I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like 'When are we going to go on a date-date?'
Guy: I hate that too! [general clapping and agreement]
Darryl: I hate that too.
Kevin: That sucks so much.
Guy: It totally sucks.
Dwight: Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like 'Gas ain't free!'
Lonny: Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We're not millionaires.
Michael: I feel you.
Darryl: No, you don't. You don't feel us. How can you? You know what?
Dwight: Not literally.
Darryl: You say we're the same, but we get compensated very differently.
Michael: Yes.
Darryl: We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder
Michael: Ah, you do. So...
Darryl: But we get paid a lot less.
Dwight: Word.
Roy: Like next to no benefits.
Michael: I know. God! What is that?
Roy: Exactly.
Michael: It blows. It blows, man. Gah...
Darryl: You know this would not happen if we had a union.
Roy: That's what I'm talking about.
Michael: No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah.
Roy: Absolutely.
Darryl: That's what we need.
Guy: You know you're right.
Darryl: Man, see... That's what I've been sayin', man. We need to do this finally.
Michael: You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys.
Darryl: It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker's Union?
Roy: In my truck.
Michael: Dockworker's?
Darryl: Man, hook you up.
Men: [generalized clapping]
Guy: Come on, man.
Michael: Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks.
Darryl: Union! Union, yeah.
Michael: The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them.
Darryl: Are you with us Mike?
Michael: Yeah-es.
Darryl: Welcome to the warehouse.
Group chant: Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi...
Jan: Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I'm sure that all of you have felt that before...
Michael: [knocks] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points...
Jan: What? A union! What...
Michael: Don't get hysterical.
Jan: I'm not...
Michael: Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.
Michael: Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons?
Jan: The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think... the... pros... are... here?
Michael: Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you.
Jan: You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out.
Michael: But we're bonding down there!
Jan: That's too bad.
Michael: I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear.
Jan: I don't want to...
Michael: Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through...
Jan: Michael! Michael! Michael!
Michael: We have a history...
Jan: Michael.
Michael: ...between us.
Jan: Don't say another word.
Michael: I won't
Jan: Get yourself down stairs.
Michael: I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever.
Ryan: You know what... we could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line.
Stanley: This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs.
Jan: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly but a ... many women ask to go over it. So... Fumble means...
Phyllis: Mistake.
Meredith: Slip.
Jan: Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better, that doesn't make sense.
Kelly: What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal?
Jan: Excuse me?
Kelly: I mean that's a baseball term, right?
Jan: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.
Kelly: [in the background] ...and you went to Chili's and he got to second base with you.
Jan: [in the background] Kelly, I don't know what Michael's talking about.
Kelly: [in the background] He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term...
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey!
Pam: How's it going down there?
Jim: It's a complete... well, actually it's exactly what you'd expect, so... How are the girls?
Pam: Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies.
Jim: Did you really?
Pam: No. [laughs]
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Almost.
Jim: Good.
Pam: Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. There's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great.
Jim: Nice. Well, what's it all about?
Pam: Um...
Jim: I think you should do it. That's great!
Pam: It's really cool.
Michael: Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this?
Angela: Are you married?
Jan: I'm divorced.
Phyllis: That must have been hard.
Jan: It was. Yes.
Kelly: You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael.
Jan: I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff.
Phyllis: Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck.
Angela: At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God.
Jan: Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five.
Kelly: How can someone so beautiful be so sad?
Michael: Hi.
Jan: Did you take care of the situation?
Michael: Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially...
Jan: Excuse me.
Michael: I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some...
Jan: Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that [snaps her fingers]. They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael.
Pam: Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. It's nice but... um... I don't know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me.
Jim: So you're not doing it.
Pam: How did you know?
Jim: Why not?
Pam: Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons.
Jim: Come on.
Pam: Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's going to lead to anything anyway.
Jim: Roy said that.
Pam: What? You have something you want to say?
Jim: You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?
Pam: Oh, excuse me! I'm fine with my choices!
Jim: You are?
Pam: Yeah.
Pam: It's impractical. I'm not going to try to get a house like that. Um... they don't even make houses like that in Scranton. So, I'm never going to... .
Michael: I'm just going to put this over there.
Darryl: This is not a good idea right here.
Michael: You did uh... okay.
Michael: Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?
Michael: Hey. Um... look guys, I'm sorry. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch.
All the Men: Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah.
Michael: Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship.
Michael: Thank you to our hosts.
Darryl: Hey Michael. This ain't over.
Michael: Ahhh! Excellent.
Michael: Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh... hold, please.
Michael: Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring.
Pam: You did?
Michael: And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing]
Pam: How about that one?
Michael: No, no. [blues piano playing]
Jim: Oh, that one was good.
Michael: Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, 'I am so lame.' Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about?
Jim: Do you mean vibrate?
Michael: Yes.
Roy: Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point.
Dwight: Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car.
Roy: Really?
Dwight: Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit!
Michael: What are you guys talking about?
Dwight and Roy: [at the same time] Guns.
Michael: Cool.
Roy: How's that union stuff coming?
Michael: Working on it.
Roy: Yeah.
Michael: Yup.
Roy: Okay.
Michael: All right.
Dwight: Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! [Darryl's office window shatters] Sorry.
Darryl: That's my office.
Dwight: There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, 'There's no place like home.' And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? [sighs] It's gonna drive me crazy.


Pam: I really like Valentine's Day in this office. It's kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card, with Dwight's head on it, it was horrifying and funny and...
Pam: [Delivery man enters with a bouquet of red roses. Pam stands up to look at card.] Phyllis.
Delivery man: Would you sign here? [Phyllis gets up from desk and walks over.]
Pam: Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big.
Meredith: Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.'
Phyllis: Isn't he sweet?
Meredith: Yeah. Wow.
Michael: Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. [Dwight holds up passport.] Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO.
Dwight: And you want me to come with you.
Michael: Nope. The opposite of that.
Dwight: I will stay here and run things on this end.
Michael: Ok, good.
Dwight: Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York?
Michael: I probably will, why do you ask?
Dwight: Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know...
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: Screwed.
Michael: What
Michael: This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love.
Michael: Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything?
Pam: That's OK.
Michael: Alright.
Oscar: The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO.
Michael: Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya!
Michael: Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.
Jim: So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else, so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they're idiots. It's gonna be great.
Dwight: What's this? What is this?
Jim: I dunno, it's on
Dwight: Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose?
Jim: It was there when I sat down.
Dwight: [opens box and reads card] Happy Valentine's Day. [pulls out bobble head] It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! [Angela smirks in background] Ahh!
Michael: The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. [Michael walks toward Sbarro.]
Jim: Hey Kelly. What's up?
Kelly: Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome.
Jim: OH, that's great. I'm really happy for [starts to walk away]
Kelly: And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like 'Ryan, what's taking you so long?' And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say.
Jim: Wow.
Kelly: So I said, 'Ryan, what took you so long?' And I just said that to him, can you believe that?
Jim: Wow.
Kelly: Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed.
Jim: No, don't be.
Kelly: Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe.
Jim: I bet.
Kelly: So nervous, but now - now I have a boyfriend.
Jim: Alright. [Kelly squeals]
Ryan: [anguished] I hooked up with her on February 13th.
Michael: Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. [points] We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here.
Kevin: Woah. [Delivery man with flowers]
Pam: Guess what?
Phyllis: Really, Oh, they're from Bob again.
Pam: That's great. [Meredith scowls]
Michael: Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.
Michael: This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey [points]. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? [walks over] OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were [Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael], OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. [to camera] Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh.
Dwight: Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten.
Angela: Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Dwight: Oh I did. I did.
Angela: I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day.
Dwight: Oh, I bet you will before the day is over.
Angela: Really? Well, I hope I do.
Michael: I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. [Michael sees it's the end of a street.] OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it.
Jim: [on phone] Nah that's alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That's fine. No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye.
Kevin: Woah, woah [Delivery man with oversized bear]
Delivery man: Phyllis Lapin.
Pam: OH, Holy God!
Delivery man: It's from Bob.
Kevin: Man, that thing's bigger than I am.
Delivery man: No, it's not.
Kevin: Oh zip it.
Michael: There they are. What's up? Hey hey.
Craig: Hey.
Josh: Michael Scott. [sticks out hand for handshake]
Michael: Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam.
Josh: You know Dan Gore from Buffalo.
Michael: Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists]
Craig: What's up buddy?
Michael: You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?
Craig: Guilty, yeah.
Michael: So what's going on? What I miss?
Josh: Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations.
Michael: Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... [awkward silence]
Dwight: Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately?
Pam: You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here.
Dwight: No, Pam, Just. Just, [tilts head away, towards another room]
Pam: You need to get something for your girlfriend.
Dwight: [same time as Pam] Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of...
Pam: Tightly wound?
Dwight: (smirking) Exactly.
Pam: Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is.
Dwight: You mean, like a ham?
Pam: No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her.
Dwight: Ok, I get it.
Pam: That you remember her.
Dwight: Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves]
Josh: What about you, Craig, you lose anyone?
Craig: Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said 'You gotta fire four people,' and I was just like, 'What?' Ya know?
Josh: Did you?
Craig: No, I just ignored her. She's the worse.
Josh: She is our boss.
Craig: She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch.
Michael: Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it.
Craig: What? You like Jan? How can you
Michael: Maybe because she's my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and...
Josh: You hooked up with Jan?
Michael: You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it,
Josh: Yeah, let's change the subject.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Kelly: I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever.
Jim: Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... [Ryan walks in]
Ryan: Soda.
Kelly: [to Ryan] Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or...
Jim: [under breath] Oh, no, not while I'm here.
Kelly: I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So...
Ryan: I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends.
Kelly: OK, That's cool. I completely understand.
Ryan: Cool. Cool. OK.
Jan: Josh Porter, Stamford.
David: David [to Josh and shakes hands]
Josh: Nice to meet you.
Jan: And Michael Scott, Scranton.
David: Nice to meet you.
Michael: Ditto. [to Jan] How are you Jan?
Jan: Fine Michael. Thank you.
David: OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to...
Jan: Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous.
Josh: So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets.
David: Thanks very much.
Josh: Thank you.
David: OK, Michael.
Michael: What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.]
Michael: [video dialogue for 'The Faces of Scranton'] Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. [video shows Stanley at desk] This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on.
Michael: Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about.
Michael: [video dialogue] And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. [video says, 'Great Scott!']
Michael: Questions?
David: Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great.
Michael: Yes, thank you.
David: But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well?
Michael: Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... [hands over report]
Delivery man: [with flowers] Can you sign?
Pam: Yeah.
Pam: [delivering plant to Oscar's desk] Oscar.
Angela: Nothing for me?
Pam: [walks away] Join the club.
Kevin: Whose it from? [to Oscar]
Oscar: My mom. [puts card in pocket]
Kelly: It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together.
Jim: You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't.
Kelly: Yeah, it would be so great if he was.
Jim: Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight.
Kelly: Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? [Jim leaves]
Dan: And that about does it, thank you.
Jan: OK. [looks toward Craig] Craig,
Craig: Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot.
Jan: Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant?
Craig: I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal.
David: So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch?
Craig: That is correct, yes.
Jan: Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken?
Craig: Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Jan: Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch.
Craig: Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. [David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.]
Michael: Oh, ok. Alright.
Jan: NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired.
Michael: No you're not.
Jan: Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together.
Michael: Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So...
Jan: Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand?
Michael: Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David.
Jan: Surely, you cannot be serious?
Michael: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane.
Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Roy: Hey babe.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: You almost ready to go?
Pam: I guess, yeah.
Roy: What's wrong?
Pam: Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her.
Roy: What, you're mad at me?
Pam: I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you'd get me
Roy: Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of you life.
David: You understand this is a very serious situation.
Michael: No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael]
David: You made a joke?
Michael: I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins]
David: Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss...
Michael: I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again.
Jan: Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it.
David: Good. [Michael leaves office]
Pam: Heading out?
Jim: Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.
Pam: Bye. [Jim leaves]
Phyllis: Goodnight Pam. [Leaves with oversized bear on back.]
Pam: Night Phyllis.
Jan: Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice.
Michael: Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again.
Jan: Oh, no, it's OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine's Day.
Michael: Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.]
Jan: Oh.
Michael: Oy vey... schmear. [Points at Fiddler on the Roof playing at Minskoff Theatre and does a dance.]
Michael: Everybody, hello, can I have your attention, please? Since it's Valentine's Day, there's something that I wanted to say. I love the women of this office. Pam, I love you.
Pam: Michael's got a few tricks for Valentine's Day. He found a place where you can get 12 plastic roses for $10 and he's got a great line. 'Me so thorny.'
Michael: I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course.
Michael: I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman's body? The brains. Because I don't think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff.
Pam: You have any big Valentine's Day plans, Kev?
Kevin: Not really, my fiance is out of town.
Pam: Where is she?
Kevin: I'm not sure. Arizona? Sometimes she doesn't tell me.
Pam: Cool.
Michael: That's a lot of noodles. How much sodium do you think is in that cup? This place used to be full of hookers and porn shops and it's not that way anymore. There's an old building. That one hasn't been torn down yet, but they will. They'll get to it.
Oscar: Happy Valentine's Day, Meredith.
Meredith: Thanks.
Creed: Okay, you take it easy, ace.
Oscar: Here you go, Creed.
Creed: Hey, thanks, ace.
Creed: I'm not good with names.
Michael: This is where it's all happening. We got TGI Fridays. I'm in the picture! Sometimes I just jump into people's pictures. Lot of people have their picture taken. It's kind of a New Yorker thing. You jump in on a tourist's picture and kind of ruin it. There's an energy to New York that you just feel. Um, everybody... Don't get hit. Everybody is kind of together and everybody hates each other, but loves each other at the same time. Screw off! People just yell at each other in New York, and it's great.
Phyllis: I'm gonna go call Bob.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?
Pam: I'm gonna spend it with my fiance.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Okay.
Pam: What are you guys doing?
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Probably go grab dinner with my girlfriend. He's gonna be pulling his pud watching Skinemax. [points to Vance Refrigeration Worker #2]
Pam: Nice.
Dwight: Okay, okay. That's enough.
Phyllis: Hey.
Dwight: Come on, break this up.
Receptionist: Yes, sure. Mr. Scott, you can head to the conference room. The other managers are already there.
Michael: Great. Thank you.
Receptionist: All right.
Michael: Okay, here's the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, 'Oh there's nothing between us and stop talking about it.' And 'Border-line harassment when you call me at home.' But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine's Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see.
Dwight: How do you spell 'animalian'?
Jim: Animalian?
Dwight: Yes.
Jim: Why?
Dwight: None of your business. I'm writing something.
Jim: You're writing something?
Dwight: Forget it. I'll look it up myself.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: No, you know what? You do it.
Jim: No, I'm not gonna do that.
Dwight: Uh, yes, I'm in charge. You have to. Look it up.
Jim: But I know how to spell it.
Dwight: So tell me.
Jim: Only if you tell me what you're writing.
Dwight: Forget it. I'll do it. But you're getting written up.
Jim: So now you're writing two things?
Jim: Dwight lives on a beet farm and he practices karate at the forth grade level. And he apparently has a girlfriend, so... I guess there really is someone for everybody.
Kevin: [phone ringing] Hi, this is Kevin. Stacy? Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Okay. Yeah, I'll be leaving here soon. Cool. I love you, too. Okay, 'bye. Stacy's back.
Oscar: That's great, man.
Devon: Hey Scott. Hey. Hey! Hey! Come here! Come here! I want to talk to you. Come here!
Michael: You know what? It was nice to see Devon again. To sort of get closure on that whole thing.


Michael: Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then...
Dwight: They are either going to say yes... or no.
Michael: Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say.
Dwight: Think it through.
Michael: Have to think it through. Because if they say no...
Jim: Can we not?
Michael: No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted.
Jim: Still want that.
Michael: Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me.
Creed: Ryan!
Dwight: Fumble! Yaaah!
Michael: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Michael: You all right Ryan?
Dwight: Ryan.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Pam!
Dwight: Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread?
Jim: Cugino's pizza.
Dwight: Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?
Jim: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so...
Jim: What did I do to deserve this?
Pam: Are you sad that Dwight beat you?
Jim: No.
Pam: Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?
Phyllis: Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures?
Pam: Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later.
Phyllis: Oh.
Jim: Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later.
Pam: Ok, cool.
Pam: I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I don't want to offend... Angela... or someone.
Michael: That's what she said!
Dwight: Ha! I don't get it.
Michael: Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Dwight: Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right?
Michael: Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.
Michael: Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year.
Dwight: What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, 'Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...'
Michael: That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.
Dwight: When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'.
Dwight: I can't do this.
Michael: That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
Dwight: Oh, okay.
Michael: But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company.
Dwight: Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked.
Michael: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.
Dwight: I'll try and think of one. When...
Michael: Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Michael: Insult.
Pam: Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my...
Jim: Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents?
Jim: I'm going to take a trip. I'm going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here.
Jim: Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um...
Oscar: I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do, but I don't care.
Michael: [stand up comic voice] But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight: Saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a Sex Ed class.
Dwight: But I'm right?
Michael: Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs!
Dwight: Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?
Michael: I do. Both of them.
Dwight: Could I have a copy of one of them?
Michael: No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this.
Michael: Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars!
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: [generalized clapping and cheering] Congratulations.
Phyllis: Unbelievable.
Michael: You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them.
Dwight: That is so great about the bonus!
Michael: No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience.
Stanley: Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she...
Phyllis: It's unbelievable!
Dwight: Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight: They are unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad okay?
Dwight: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar: What the hell is going on here?
Angela: Are we out of jobs?
Dwight: Yes.
Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
Michael: He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible.
Stanley: Michael?
Michael: Yeah.
Stanley: You said we were getting bonuses.
Michael: All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.
Stanley: Cancel wallpaper.
Michael: As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. [speaking to camera] You saw the plaque, right? [to office] All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.
Pam: You mean Toastmasters?
Michael: Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Pam: Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding?
Jim: Can I go?
Michael: Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.
Jim: So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions?
Kevin: You should go to Hedonism.
Jim: What is that?
Kevin: It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.
Jim: I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice.
Toby: Been to Amsterdam.
Michael: Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up.
Toby: [mimes lifting a glass] To Amsterdam.
Jim: When did you go there?
Toby: Umm... After my divorce. Yeah.
Jim: Really for like how long?
Toby: Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't...
Creed: Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me.
Jim: Where do I want to go?
Creed: I'd send you to Hong Kong.
Creed: Like to say 'Hi' to my friends in China. [speaks in Chinese]
Michael: Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today.
Dwight: Good morning, Vietnam! [general groaning] Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates.
Jim: No. We're not.
Dwight: Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager.
Jim: Which means absolutely nothing.
Dwight: Michael, can you explain?
Michael: Well, it's mostly made up. So...
Michael: Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.
Michael: Confidence, Dwight.
Jim: Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?
Dwight: I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone.
Jim: Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip.
Dwight: Oh please! You're not taking any trip.
Jim: You know I majored in Public Speaking in College.
Dwight: You did?
Jim: Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority.
Dwight: Yes. I am.
Jim: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did.
Dwight: Which is?
Jim: You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point.
Jim: Ok, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one [holds up paper]. Originally given by Benito Mussolini.
Jim: Ok, look. I know you are giving this speech on your own
Dwight: I'll glance at it.
Michael: It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here.
Angela: The very best of luck to you, Dwight.
Dwight: Thank you, Angela.
Kelly: Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception?
Pam: Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think.
Ryan: You're inviting Jim?
Pam: Of course. He's one of my closest friends.
Michael: All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right.
Overhead: [song] You all ready for this?
Angela: [coughs] [sniffles] I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest.
Kevin: I've never, ever seen you take a sick day.
Angela: Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us.
Speaker: Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute!
Crowd: [polite clapping]
Michael: Dwight, they called your name.
Speaker: Dwight, how we doing?
Dwight: No, I can't... I ca...
Michael: All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. [shouts] All right!
Crowd: [claps]
Michael: Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Kevin: I always set it at 69. [snickers]
Pam: Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date.
Kelly: But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?
Ryan: Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married.
Kelly: Oh.
Pam: Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just...
Ryan: I know what I said.
Michael: I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. [makes robot sounds] Michael Winslow, anyone?
Michael: Car starting. [makes car sounds] All right, Dwight Schrute everyone.
Crowd: [clapping]
Michael: Good luck. That is a tough crowd.
Dwight: [bangs fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. [waves arm] how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle [waves arms]. A never-ending fight. I say to you [hits podium] and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight!
Crowd: [clapping]
Dwight: WE ARE WARRIORS!
Crowd: [clapping and cheering]
Dwight: Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour!
Crowd: [clapping and cheering]
Dwight: [laughs maniacally] Yeah. Yes!
Oscar: I've got a time share in Key West that might be available.
Jim: Maybe. Thanks.
Ryan: You really think you're going to go?
Jim: Yeah. I'm definitely going.
Ryan: Nice. Send me a postcard.
Ryan: Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know. If I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.
Dwight: No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. [bangs fists]
Crowd: [claps]
Dwight: Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is...
Crowd: [shouts] Together that we prevail! [cheering and clapping]
Pam: Australia? I have always wanted to go there?
Jim: I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable.
Pam: That's awesome. Where are you staying?
Jim: I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but...
Pam: When are you leaving?
Jim: I'm... leaving on June 8th.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just...
Pam: Oh yeah. That's too bad.
Jim: Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out?
Pam: It's ok. I got it.
Jim: Alright.
Dwight: Ok, thanks. [to Michael] There you are. What happened?
Michael: I got thirsty. How'd it go?
Dwight: It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.
Michael: You would not believe what happened here.
Dwight: What? Something happened?
Michael: Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.
Dwight: Weird.
Michael: Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.'
Dwight: Con artist.
Michael: She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?
Michael: Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?
Dwight: My future is so bright, Jim. Jim, do you know how bright my future is? It's so bright that... What? Do you know? Is there something I got to wear? Huh?
Jim: Goggles?
Dwight: [imitating '80s rock]
Dwight: And what a lot of people don't understand about sales is that it has so much to do with organization. I have a system in place for keeping track of who I speak to, when I speak to them and what we have discussed. Etcetera.
Michael: That's it? You're going to end with 'etcetera'? Okay, what's this big organizational system that...
Dwight: Well, do you think I should describe our filing system?
Michael: That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries.
Dwight: It is?
Michael: It's your delivery...
Dwight: What is?
Michael: Our biggest worry.
Dwight: I don't follow.
Michael: My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That's why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting]
Dwight: Oh, God!
Michael: See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn.
Dwight: Well, that didn't go well.
Michael: No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin.
Michael: All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke.
Dwight: [whispering to Angela] Stop it. [to the office] Two sailors walk into a bar...
Meredith: Please don't tell a sailor joke.
Dwight: Oh, why not?
Phyllis: Her nephew's in Iraq.
Michael: Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water.
Pam: Yes, but they are both in danger.
Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go.
Michael: Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead.
Phyllis: What are we supposed to talk about?
Michael: Anything your heart desires.
Phyllis: I would like to toast to the good fortune I've been having lately...
Michael: [shouting] Louder!
Phyllis: I, uh, I met a man and I'm totally in love, and that's a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts...
Michael: Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next.
Ryan: Why am I next? I thought we'd go in order?
Michael: Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there.
Ryan: Well... A lot of you know that I'm in business school. And while I'm learning a lot here, a lot, hopefully soon I'll land a challenging full-time or part-time position somewhere else.
Dwight: All right.
Stanley: Way to go, Ryan!
Michael: Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so...
Michael: Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death.
Ryan: I got the stamps.
Pam: The ones that say 'love' on them?
Ryan: The ones that say '39 cents.'
Pam: Oh. Doesn't matter.
Ryan: I didn't think it did.
Pam: As soon as they leave, well get Kelly and start.
Ryan: Kelly's helping?
Pam: Is that okay?
Ryan: Yeah, sure.
Michael: Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know.
Dwight: Oh, no, I don't think this is it.
Michael: Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room.
Michael: Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope.
Dwight: Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I'm so in love with her.
Michael: You're weird.
Dwight: No, no, no. It's totally normal, 'cause she's not a Cylon or anything. She's just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode.
Michael: Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go.
Michael: Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? 'Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?' 'Jell-O pudding.' Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. [imitating race car engine] That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. [baby crying] Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude.


Pam: I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel.
Jim: Bribery. Nice.
Pam: Oh, I have more. [Holds up bags of candy]
Michael: Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w-
Pam: Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. [whispering] 'Cause of the... [points to 'Welcome Daughters!' sign]
Michael: ... Oh, God is that today?
Pam: I reminded you last night.
Michael: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in 'Raw,' and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in 'Daddy Daycare.' both great movies, but, still.
Michael: Well, I'll be in my office.
Pam: Don't you think you should say something?
Michael: They're cool.
Pam: Michael, I think that as the boss you should really-
Michael: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight: [in unison] That's Batman.
Michael: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
Jim: The ocean.
Michael: [under his breath] I work with a bunch of nerds.
Dwight: [looks at Sasha] Mmm... hello tiny one.
Toby: [to Sasha] Come on.
Dwight: You are the future!
Kevin: This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's.
Kevin: Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check.
Stanley: Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa.
Michael: Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her.
Melissa: I'm in eighth grade.
Michael: Oh.
Stanley: She's in middle school.
Michael: Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.
Michael: It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.
Michael: [while Jake is throwing things at Michael] They want how many spiral pads?
Meredith: Um, fif-well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order.
Michael: Okay.
Meredith: I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter.
Angela: Can you put that down there?
Kelly: Yep. [spreads tablecloth]
Toby: [to Sasha] Okay, tell them what you wanted to say.
Sasha: Do you need any help?
Angela: No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.
Toby: Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw.
Kelly: Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela?
Angela: I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.
Kelly: God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies!
Ryan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me.
Michael: [on phone] Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. [Sasha walks in the door] ... Yes. We-yeah, they're very-they're different. [Sasha walks out] Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow.
Pam: Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool.
Abby: No thanks.
Pam: I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.
Jim: What are you reading?
Abby: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Jim: Aww, best book?
Abby: Yeah, but I've read it before.
Jim: Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be?
Abby: Definitely the Aquarium.
Jim: Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped.
Abby: Sure.
Jim: Really?
Abby: Mmhmm!
Jim: Yesss. And you're Abby, right?
Abby: Yeah.
Jim: I'm Jim. [Jim hi-fives Abby] Annnnd... let's sell some paper.
Abby: Alright.
Jim: Let's start with... your mom.
Michael: [on phone] Yes. Well... we can... [Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train] uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's- that's alright. [Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk] Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name?
Sasha: Sasha.
Michael: Nice to meet you.
Sasha: Ooh! [picks up train whistle]
Michael: Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. [blows into whistle] But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows into whistle] You want to try?
Sasha: Sure. [Sasha blows into whistle continously]
Michael: All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! [Sasha and Michael laugh]
Jim: [shaking hands with Abby] Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand.
Dwight: There is no way that hurt.
Jim: Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight.
Dwight: Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. [Abby shakes his hand] I don't feel anything. Nothing. [to Jim] You're so weak. [Jake walks over and messes with Dwight's bobbleheads] Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay?
Jake: Do you have any computer games?
Dwight: No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate.
Jake: Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here.
Dwight: You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful.
Jake: Whatever, okay?
Dwight: You can refer to me as Mister Schrute.
Jake: That's your name? Mister Poop?
Dwight: Schrute. Mister Schrute.
Jake: Sure, Mister Poop. [Jake walks away]
Dwight: [quietly] ... Schrute. [Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight]
Sasha: [to Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose?
Melissa: I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else.
Ryan: Wow.
Melissa: There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there?
Ryan: No.
Melissa: You've never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are
Ryan: Uhm...
Melissa: Come on! [Kelly glares through the door] You have an email address?
Kelly: ...that I thought you should know ...
Stanley: Mmhmm. What?
Kelly: I think something a little fishy is going on. [points to Ryan and Melissa]
Stanley: A little fishy?
Kelly: Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... [Stanley gets up]
Stanley: That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?!
Ryan: Yes, I-
Stanley: Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!
Ryan: Okay.
Ryan: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
Dwight: [plays the recorder] That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. [reading from book] The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off!
Michael: Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight: There's a photo...
Michael: What the hell are you reading to them?
Dwight: These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these-
Michael: Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
Sasha: What's a Nazi?
Michael: What's a Nazi?
Dwight: [standing up] Nazi was a fascist movement...
Michael: Don't!
Dwight: ...from the 1930's...
Michael: Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it?
Dwight: I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.
Michael: [sighing] Why don't you just leave? Okay?
Dwight: ...Okay.
Jake: Bye, Mister Poop.
Michael: Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?
The Kids: [raising hands] I do, I do!
Michael: Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. [cracks up]
Angela: You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities [makes eye contact with Dwight].
Michael: This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? [pets shelf of paper] You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?
Melissa: So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff.
Michael: No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.
Abby: That's not fair. [the rest of the kids agree]
Michael: Yes it is, well, w-w-you need someone in the middle to facilitate...
Jake: You're just a middleman.
Michael: I'm not just a middle... man...
Melissa: Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people?
Michael: You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business.
Dwight: We have better service than they do!
Michael: ...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right?
Creed: That is correct.
Michael: Say hi to the kids.
Creed: Hi kids.
Michael: Yaaaaay.
Creed: Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? [begins untying shoe]
Kids: Ewwww!
Michael: What are you doing? N-stop it! Stop it! Just-no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem?
Creed: Th-the hair covers it, mostly.
Michael: No no no, we're not gonna see- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay?
Michael: You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show.
Kids: No way.
Michael: It's true. I did.
Melissa: You serious?
Jake: Really?
Michael: I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star.
Abby: That doesn't sound like a show.
Melissa: What?!
Michael: It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. [gets up and runs out] Ryan, can you come here a second? [clears throat] I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar.
Ryan: Right. Okay.
Michael: I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?
Ryan: Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so...
Melissa: You know, I can go with him.
Michael: Oka-
Ryan: No! I will... go.
Michael: Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office.
Michael: [to Abby] Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like?
Michael: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake.
Michael: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?
Miss Trudy: [from TV] ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Let's have some fun!
Michael: That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to...
Dwight: Is that a real fun shooting windmill?
Michael: Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.
Jim: That's pretty funny.
Michael: Yeah.
Edward R. Meow: ...Recess! Hey, what's your name?
Chet: My name's Chet.
Edward R. Meow: Well hi Chet.
Oscar: Is that Chet Montgomery?
Michael: Uhh, I don't know.
Pam: That is!
Darryl: Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up.
Edward R. Meow: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Chet: I want to be on TV!
Dwight: [employees chuckle] And he
Michael: Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.
Edward R. Meow: Okay, next? So, whats your name?
Michael: Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh.
Edward R. Meow: Well what's your favorite subject at school?
Young Michael: Recess.
Edward R. Meow: Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Young Michael: I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: [jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!
Miss Trudy: Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day.
Michael: Coulda sworn there was...
Melissa: Did you get married?
Michael: ...uh, no.
Abby: Why not?
Michael: Uh, just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael: Uh, nope.
Jake: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael: I do okay.
Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Michael: Yes.
Jake: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael: Okay! Alright, okay.
Sasha: So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
Michael: ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.
Pam: He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone.
Jim: Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy.
Roy: [wrestling with Jake] Pam! Pam! I love this guy! [laughs] Come on!
Pam: So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's
Melissa: Who? Terry?
Pam: Mmhmm.
Melissa: That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother.
Jake: Mister Poop, I have to tell you something.
Dwight: Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name.
Jake: You're ugly.
Dwight: Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
Jake: Meredith!
Michael: [Toby knocks on door] Yeah?
Toby: I think these belong to you. [puts toys down on desk]
Michael: Oh, that's okay, she can keep those.
Toby: Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch.
Michael: Thank you.
Toby: Is everything okay?
Michael: You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.
Toby: Uh... it's true...
Michael: Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost.
Toby: Mmhmm.
Michael: Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?
Toby: Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend.
Michael: What about...
Toby: Not Jan.
Michael: ...Jan. Kay.
Toby: If you really want to have kids, I- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something.
Michael: ...Or biologically.
Toby: Somehow.
Michael: Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...
Toby: Yes.
Michael: Oh... kay.
Jake: Is it okay if I take one?
Pam: Sure.
Jake: Thank you.
Pam: You're welcome.
Jake: Is your job hard?
Pam: It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see?
Jake: Yeah!
Pam: Really?
Jake: Yeah.
Pam: Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. [shreds paper] Cool huh?
Jake: That's so cool, yeah!
Pam: Yeah, I get to do this like, every week.
Jake: That's so awesome!
Pam: I know.
Michael: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Kevin: Go ahead.
Abby: Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?
Jim: Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? [Abby nods]
Kevin: What're you doing? You never have plans.
Jim: Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date.
Kevin: Niiice.
Michael: Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do.
Michael: [singing] You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... [Dwight joins in] and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...
Jim: Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play?
Pam: I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. [Jim leaves]
Michael and Dwight: [singing] ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams...
Pam: My theory is that... [Jim signals he's leaving, waves bye to Pam]
Michael and Dwight: [singing] ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you...
Dwight: And they do, your parents, love you very much.
Michael: One more time. [singing] You...
Dwight: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [Laughs] They didn't eat the children.
Angela: Okay. I think five plain and one veggie should be fine.
Phyllis: How about pepperoni?
Angela: No.
Ryan: I like extra cheese.
Angela: Absolutely not.
Pam: I like extra cheese, too.
Angela: Fine. The first lesson we'll teach children will be about obesity.
Ryan: Thank you.
Jim: I'm pretty excited about today. I baby-sit Toby's daughter Sasha sometimes. So, she's the coolest kid. She has seen me play with dolls, though, so I don't know how cool she thinks I am.
Stanley: Put that away and learn.
Melissa: Learn what?
Stanley: Learn why Daddy's so cranky when he comes home from work.
Stanley: I brought my daughter Melissa in. That girl is very spoiled. That child has no idea what I have to deal with so she can have her little cell phone and spend all my money at that Steamtown Mall.
Abby: I'm gonna go read my book now.
Kevin: [whispering] Angela. Is it okay if I'm the head accountant today?
Angela: I'm the head accountant.
Kevin: Yeah, but can I say that I'm it, just for today?
Angela: I can't set that kind of precedent. She's a bright girl. She'd see right through that.
Darryl: You must be pretty strong, huh?
Jake: Yeah.
Roy: You think you can beat up Darryl?
Jake: Yeah. I don't know, maybe.
Roy: I think you might be able to.
Darryl: You think you could beat me up?
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Darryl: Then you gotta have muscles, man. You got some muscles? Let's see.
Jake: I got some muscles. You wanna see the muscles? Bam! Look at that.
Michael: Hey, don't touch him, please!
Darryl: Man, you have got to be kidding me.
Michael: Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. [exclaims] Well, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Jake: Can I have a quarter? I promise I'll pay you back.
Michael: Sure.
Jake: Can I have a dollar? Then I can buy chips and a drink.
Michael: Okay. There you go.
Jake: Will you marry my mom?
Oscar: Melissa. Hey. I was working. I was in the middle of something.
Melissa: Just give me two seconds, I'll be done.
Oscar: I was in the middle of something.
Melissa: Dude, seriously, just give me two seconds, I'll be done.
Oscar: Stanley.
Abby: ...get you, I'm gonna get you! Come back here for more! [squealing]
Creed: Kids, kids, kids, slow down.
Abby: Oh, I'm gonna get you!
Dwight: What the... [pulls a pencil eraser out of his mug, after a drink]
Abby: Did you draw that?
Pam: Yeah. Do you like to draw, Abby?
Abby: Yeah, I wanna be an artist when I grow up.
Pam: Me, too.
Abby: You are grown up.
Kelly: So, how's your day been?
Pam: Okay. It's been a little more tiring than I thought.
Kelly: Yeah, it doesn't help that Stanley's daughter's such a slut.
Pam: Hmm.
Jim: Hey, Abby. I wanted to give you this for all your hard work today. Look. Michael signed it and everything. Official.
Abby: Thank you so much.
Jim: Absolutely.
Dwight: Oh, I hate to break it to you, Abby. The certificate's a fake. Okay? It's not real. Where's the certification number, Halpert?
Jim: Actually, I have the certification number right here.
Dwight: Oh, really? Uh-huh.
Jim: Yup.
Dwight: Oh. Okay. Fine. Well done.
Jim: All right.
Jim: A7557962.' Totally nonsense numbers, but you do what you have to do.