Michael: Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning... well she bought the milk. It's soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed] This is why I do it, that's what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won't be up for a few hours.
Michael: This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin' the sales team. I feel very blessed. [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood]
IT Tech Guy: You know generally it's not a good idea to click on offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer?
Pam: It was for a video.
IT Tech Guy: Yeah, what kind of video?
Pam: A celebrity sex tape.
Jim: Really, what kind of celebrity?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: How much did you pay for it?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: You paid for it?
Pam: It all happened so fast.
Jim: I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh... it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn't mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh... I'm single now and looking, so if you know anybody.
Pam: Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It's really nice to be good friends again.
Kevin: Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they're just keeping it a secret. Right? [looks at Oscar]
Oscar: I don't know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things.
Kevin: Are you kidding me?
Pam: And Sunday I'm thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in.
Jim: Oh that sounds fun. I'm mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain.
Pam: Cool.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Well have fun with that.
Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Jim: What?
Dwight: Where?
Michael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could... And she is going to be OK.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Oscar: So she's really going to be fine?
Michael: Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah... people have survived far worse.
Pam: Thank God you were there.
Michael: Yeah.
Andy: Did you see who did it?
Dwight: No need we can just check the security tapes.
Michael: Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Jim: Who was driving?
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
Dwight: It's only Meredith.
Michael: Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
Dwight: Hey... Why did you do it?
Michael: It was an accident.
Dwight: Was she talkin' back?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
Pam: Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we're kicking in $5 for flowers.
Kevin: Who's we, you and Jim?
Pam: No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far.
Kevin: Oh, I bet Jim goes too.
Pam: Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.
Kevin: Oh, I bet you ask?
Pam: I was planning on it.
Kevin: I bet you were.
Pam: Angela?
Oscar: [whispers to Kevin] Subtle.
Kevin: What
Pam: [to Angela] Are you coming?
Angela: I can't, Sprinkles is sick.
Angela: She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks... about Sprinkles.
Angela: I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with?
Pam: Can't your other cats keep her company.
Angela: There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques.
Pam: Angela, you're the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn't even be planning this, it's your job.
Angela: [sighs] All right!
Michael: My lord my liege.
Ryan: Yes Michael?
Michael: So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?
Michael: So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Ryan: Back? Why is that Michael?
Michael: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Oh! Did you do this on purpose?
Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in...
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so... double jeopardy, we are fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is: we are fine?
Ryan: [sigh]
Ryan: People keep calling me a 'Wunderkind'; I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but... it's a weird word.
Angela: Hey D.
Dwight: Hey monkey, what's up?
Angela: Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine.
Dwight: Sure.
Angela: I have to visit the alchy.
Dwight: Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp.
Angela: I wouldn't put it past her.
Dwight: So what do you need me to do?
Angela: I wrote it out.
Dwight: Mm-hmm.
Angela: There's a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don't shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um... and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten. And, oh and there's a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail.
Michael: Ok, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Michael: No.
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael: No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
Jim: Oh good, so we don't have to work.
Pam: OK, we're leaving for the hospital at 1.
Michael: So, like a freedom tree.
Pam: I can take 3 people.
Jim: I can also take 3 people.
Oscar: [to Kevin] Separate cars.
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room.
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch.
Michael: Ok, good good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch.
Pam: I...
Michael: Excellent!
Pam: I was thinking that we...
Michael: Good work Pam.
Pam: But...
Michael: Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Stanley: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael: Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!
Michael: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.
Michael: Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel.
Kelly: She looks awful.
Michael: No... OK, she always looks like that... That is not my fault.
Jim: I think she's awake.
Michael: No... She's in a coma.
Nurse: No.
Michael: OK... Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear.
Meredith: At the same time.
Michael: Yeah.
Stanley: Hello Meredith.
Meredith: This is weird.
Michael: Brought you some balloons. Why don't we... here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes... [IV pops out] Oh! Shhhh... For God's sake!
Kevin: Whoa!
Michael: Nurse.
Meredith: No don't bother the nurse, just put it back in.
Michael: [groaning] I am going to be sick... I'm gonna puke.
Jim: I wouldn't... I wouldn't worry about it. Don't touch it.
Nurse: What, what are you doing? Just gimme that.
Meredith: Thanks.
Kevin: [applauds]
Phyllis: Does it hurt terribly?
Meredith: No, it's not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed: Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What...
Meredith: I have no idea.
Creed: Oh. [laughs]
Meredith: Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I'll see you guys at the office.
Michael: Oh, OK... Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.
Meredith: Michael, I'm not gonna do that.
Michael: Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.
Angela: No, that's not. That's next to cleanliness.
Michael: Well, just shhhh... just just...
Meredith: You cracked my pelvis
Michael: Look, I just... I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug.
Meredith: You're not forgiven.
Michael: Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.
Pam: Michael! Michael!
Meredith: [screams]
Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
Angela: Hey.
Dwight: Hey monkey.
Angela: Any problems?
Dwight: Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.
Angela: What!?
Dwight: Sparkles, the white one, is dead.
Angela: Sprinkles.
Dwight: That was the sick one, right?
Angela: Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time.
Dwight: No.
Angela: Did she look... When you saw her how was she looking?
Dwight: Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat.
Angela: [sobbing]
Dwight: So... Hey come on, don't be sad, just... OK... just. She's in a better place.
Angela: Alright.
Dwight: Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor.
Angela: [still sobbing]
Pam: [to Angela] It's gonna be OK.
Michael: OK, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let's just...
Pam: Michael, Angela's cat died.
Michael: Sprinkles?
Angela: [nods]
Michael: [sighs] Oh, sh... I'm sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then... Sprinkles! God, that's 3 things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it.
Michael: Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but... I'm... I am a little-stitious.
Michael: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Oscar: Like what?
Michael: Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us?
Toby: No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo's Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so... uh, I got a week of free pies.
Pam: That's cool.
Toby: Yeah.
Michael: Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.
Angela: Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish.
Dwight: She's only a cat.
Angela: You never... you don't like them.
Dwight: Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
Oscar: Dwight please!
Michael: Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you?
Dwight: No, I have not.
Michael: Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects.
Dwight: I do not respect her, but I will go.
Michael: Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.
Toby: Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs...
Michael: Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Toby: Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs.
Michael: Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.
Stanley: I'm... um, Catholic.
Michael: OK.
Darryl: Presbyterian.
Michael: Alright.
Pam: Oh me too.
Darryl: Oh?
Pam: [puts hand up for high five] Same religion.
Darryl: Alright! [high fives Pam]
Phyllis: I'm a Lutheran and Bob's a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.
Angela: That's why we're cursed.
Creed: I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.
Michael: Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhist.
Michael: Are you sure?
Kelly: No.
Michael: What are you?
IT Tech Guy: Well if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion then I'm Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time.
Michael: OK, 1 Sikh, and...
Dwight: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical.
Dwight: Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
Meredith: Don't pull any plugs.
Intern: How are you doing Ms. Palmer?
Meredith: Better.
Intern: Excellent.
Dwight: Are you a doctor, or a male nurse?
Intern: Um... I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor, but...
Dwight: Pfft... Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one.
Intern: Ah, so uh... so that is where her uterus went... Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?
Meredith: Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head.
Dwight: Just doing my job.
Intern: It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?
Meredith: And a rat. Separate occasions.
Michael: You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense... God is dead.
Kelly: If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael: Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the body of a porcupine.
Jim: I will do some research.
Pam: I can help you with that.
Dwight: So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine.
Michael: Oh God, Rabies?
Dwight: Mm-hmm.
Michael: I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?
Dwight: No, no. You've gotta be bitten by something.
Michael: This place is so cursed.
Dwight: Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in... Lock jaw.
Michael: [walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.
Jim: Six of one, really.
Michael: Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! [Kevin claps] Oh... there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished.
Michael: Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?
Kevin: [Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying] Oh well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What - A - Waste!
Pam: [Pam's car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road] I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. [Jim gets into the passenger side] Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. [Jim leans over and kisses Pam] Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.
Pam: Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.
Michael: Pro-Am.
Pam: Pro-Am race for the... They hung up.
Michael: A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.
Stanley: [on the phone] No, rabies... Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime?
Michael: Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far?
Stanley: Zero.
Michael: Come on man, gotta step it up! It's for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00.
Andy: Isn't that your money?
Michael: That... is for a good cause. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming?
Phyllis: Oh, it's coming.
Michael: Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.
Kevin: Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Kevin: You cannot make me run.
Michael: OK. [walks away]
Kevin: It is not a real charity. It's stupid Michael, and I'm not gonna do it.
Michael: Alright, alright.
Kevin: You didn't run for me...
Michael: Shhh...
Kevin: ...when I thought I had skin cancer.
Michael: I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
Kevin: No.
Michael: OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields... And I was a peasant.
Kevin: I just don't want to run. I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes.
Michael: Well, you're going to have to run, or you're going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore.
Andy: [in bathroom] I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So... I take precautions. [tapes a cotton ball to each nipple]
Andy: Hey Angela. Hey, um... I'm sorry about your cat. [Angela starts to cry]
Angela: This is Sprinkles. [holds up a picture] She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, [picture of Angela holding Sprinkles] just a couple of kittens [starts to cry] out on the town.
Angela: Pssst. I'm having relationship problems. And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you'd be able to give me some advice.
Pam: What's wrong?
Angela: I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat.
Pam: Hmm...
Angela: When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds.
Pam: Ah.
Angela: Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy.
Pam: Angela, I'm sorry.
Angela: Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?
Pam: I'm more of a dog person.
Angela: [sighs]
Jim: So what's your strategy for this race?
Pam: Well I'm gonna start fast.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle.
Jim: What?
Pam: Then I'm gonna end fast.
Jim: Why won't more people do that? [laughs]
Pam: Cause they're just stupid.
Jim: [looks at camera] What?
Jim: [Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv] Oh, ah... No that's not... I mean that wasn't, ah...
Pam: Yeah... That was um...
Jim: I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh... How it looks like um... I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um... anything.
Pam: Yeah, I gave him a ride home because...
Jim: Right!
Pam: ... We're dating.
Jim: Wow! There it is.
Pam: Ah, yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great. [looks at Jim] Right?
Jim: It is going really great.
Dwight: [Angela runs into Dwight] Oww!
Angela: Shut up.
Dwight: You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.
Angela: Oh, really?
Dwight: [sighs] You'll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression.
Angela: [pushes her chair into Dwight's legs] I'm not depressed I'm in grief.
Michael: We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um... when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?
Pam: Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but... What do you think Michael, that's over 25% of our funds?
Michael: Hmm... That's a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So...
Jim: Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.
Pam: Giant check it is.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Yep.
Dwight: Well I don't know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control.
Jim: Bat birth control
Dwight: Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that's what you told me when I contributed.
Michael: You didn't contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how's that been going?
Pam: Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check.
Jim: Which we are.
Pam: And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
Michael: What about a rabies nurse?
Pam: I don't think so.
Jim: You know what though, I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events.
Michael: That's possible. Look into that.
Jim: Great, it's gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah... oh actually more with tips.
Dwight: Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith's son.
Michael: Have you met that kid? He's not going to college.
Pam: Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. [knocks]
Michael: Come in.
Pam: Hey.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey
Pam: Oh my God.
Michael: What are you doing?
Pam: You said come in!
Michael: No I didn't, just please don't...
Pam: Oh my God.
Pam: So I closed the door but the image of his...
Jim: Baquette.
Pam: ... dangling participle...
Jim: Eww.
Pam: ... still burned in my eyes.
Jim: I can imagine.
Pam: [Michael knocks slowly on door] Come in.
Michael: May I enter the room?
Pam: Yes. Or come in.
Michael: See how I did that. That's the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.
Jim: You couldn't have taken off all your clothes in the men's room?
Michael: Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that.
Pam: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark.
Michael: European offices are naked all the time.
Pam: They're so not.
Michael: Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so...
Pam: I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended.
Jim: [sighs] Gross.
Michael: That's not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it's not fair to people with rabies. And that's the point, right? OK, let's go have some fun.
Jim: Alright.
Pam: They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat.
Jim: [naked from chest up] Oh, I'm sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach?
Jan: OK, name please.
Creed: Creed Bratton, 75 plus division.
Jan: You're over 75 years old?
Creed: 82 November first. How much is the prize money?
Jan: There's no prize money.
Creed: What, is any of this real?
Michael: Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I'm Toby, I'm stretching, I know what I'm doing. Why is he even here?
Jan: So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
Pam: What? Look, no it was not...
Jan: I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, OK? So hands off.
Michael: OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three... too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something... Darryl what are you doing.
Darryl: [feeding a squirrel] I'm giving him a peanut.
Michael: No, don't give him... just, did you hear anything I said?
Darryl: Look how happy he is.
Michael: He's happy because he's insane. You know what, that's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where's the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse's outfit] This is the reason we're here.
Elizabeth: Hello Michael.
Michael: Oh hey, I know you... Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Michael: Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands.
Elizabeth: Great. [everyone claps]
Michael: You got it?
Dwight: Mm-hmm.
Michael: OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load.
Michael: Just remember folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing.
Dwight: On your marks, get set...
Michael: [pulls Toby's pants down] Beow!
Toby: Hey! [extremely loud gunshot]
Michael: On your left!
Oscar: You're doing great Michael, look at you go!
Creed: That's my boss! Yeah-ha baby!
Michael: I am fast! I'm very fast! I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab]
Stanley: Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.
Andy: I've walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. [running right behind Kevin]
Pam: Yeah. [laughs] Oh we're in last place.
Jim: Oh, would you look at that.
Pam: Darn it.
Jan: Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Water babe?
Michael: No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water... solidarity!
Jan: Michael that's irrational.
Michael: Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.
Andy: Oh God! My nipples, it's starting.
Creed: [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table] Can we get another round?
Waitress: OK.
Creed: Thanks.
Stanley: So we've got what, another 20 minutes?
Oscar: More or less.
Stanley: Hmmm...
Michael: That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
Dwight: You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.
Michael: [laughs] Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?
Toby: I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today.
Jim: Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?
Pam: I don't know I'm really committed to winning.
Jim: OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured.
Pam: Mmm... Yes.
Jim: That's what I thought.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Right. Let's do some good.
Ryan: [Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... [Pam's voice] [You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race... [Michael's voice] for the cure... [Pam's voice] leave a message' Ryan hangs up]
Michael: [Burp] Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch. [groans]
Andy: [runs into the back of Kevin] Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.
Kevin: Back off me.
Dwight: How ya feeling, better?
Angela: No.
Dwight: Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat.
Angela: The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.
Dwight: I am a farmer Angela.
Angela: What does that mean?
Dwight: OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.
Angela: You did kill her!?
Dwight: I... I sang her, her favorite songs.
Angela: You put her in my freezer.
Dwight: It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Angela: Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
Dwight: Well I'm not responsible for that!
Angela: You! [hits Dwight]
Dwight: Hey, Oww! [looks around to onlookers] It's OK.
Angela: It's OK.
Dwight: It's nothing, I'm robbing her.
Angela: It's nothing.
Dwight: It's fine. What?
Angela: How could you do that without telling me?
Dwight: I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how.
Angela: Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.
Dwight: I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good.
Angela: You don't understand.
Michael: [runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit.
Dwight: Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?
Angela: Don't touch me Dwight! [runs off crying]
Pam: [holding lamp] You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00.
Jim: Oh, and I get to carry it.
Toby: [crosses finish line] And the winner is Toby Flenderson.
Kelly: Have a seat, I'll write it down.
Toby: Where are we?
Kelly: I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.
Toby: He couldn't have made it a circle?
Michael: [bent over] I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line]
Jim: ...talk about it.
Pam: Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?
Jim: What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or...
Michael: I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just...
Jim: Well, you're probably dehydrated.
Michael: What do you want me to do Jim?
Jim: Glass of water would be a start.
Michael: No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins.
Jim: Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.
Pam: I'm still having a nice day.
Jim: You are?
Pam: Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00.
Michael: That's a good deal.
Pam: And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much.
Michael: Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.
Pam: Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping.
Michael: You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference.
Pam: I know you Michael, I saw you naked.
Michael: You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no!
Michael: Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.
Meredith: Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey Mer. How ya doing?
Meredith: Better.
Michael: It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.
Meredith: I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore.
Michael: Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth] Wanna share?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael: I'm not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Nah, I'm good.
Michael: Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?
Andy: Ay-o!
Jim: I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM?
Michael: Well...
Phyllis: That's despicable.
Pam: Michael.
Someone: That's not cool.
Oscar: There's no proof of that.
Michael: That's not...
Kevin: That seems early, even for her.
Michael: That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting.
Meredith: Drunk? No! You can't get drunk off Kahlua. It's just a kind of coffee.
Andy: Then... what are you saying?
Michael: I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that?
Jim: Definitely not.
Kevin: That'd be DUI.
Phyllis: That's...
Michael: Okay.
Michael: Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don't know whose fault it was. I wasn't exactly looking at the road.
Pam: Hey, Toby. [walks past him to Kelly's cubicle]
Toby: Hey.
Pam: Kelly, we're going to visit Meredith at lunch. [Kelly's lying down on floor, head unseen under desk. She rolls to her side, away from Pam] Kelly?
Toby: Well, Kelly's been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can't even talk. [grins]
Kelly: [from under desk] I don't want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please, go away!
Angela: They don't have this kind of technology at the vet's. It's not far.
Oscar: It's fair.
Michael: You know what, why don't go around the room and say one memory of Meredith. I'll start. I liked her jumpers. They reminded me of Kindergarten. Jim?
Kevin: I'll always remember Meredith's back. That's all I can see from my desk. All that red hair, over a nice strong back. Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top, and he's going to turn around and tell a joke.
Andy: So, how's the view old girl? [looking out windows] Oh! There's a cemetery. You think that's affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature...
Michael: Hey! Okay, okay, okay, You can just close that.
Angela: Bye, Meredith. Here you go. We got you some balloons.
Meredith: See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he's talking, Creed takes Meredith's pills]
Michael: Let's just... Why can't you just forgive... Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off? How do you know that you weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?
Meredith: Oh please, Michael.
Michael: I'm not going to leave until you forgive me.
Meredith: You're gonna be here a
Michael: [standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay.
Meredith: Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you.
Nurse: There you go.
Meredith: There's nothing in here.
Michael: This office is cursed. [sighs] And we need to do something about it.
Jim: Conference room?
Michael: Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex. I'm just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed. Conference room, 10 minutes.
Michael: On the one hand, it's a relief to know that it's not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown.
Dwight: Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?
Michael: We have to have done something wrong.
Stanley: You ran over an employee.
Michael: That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse.
Dwight: Mmm. [nods]
Michael: Oscar, are you Santaria?
Oscar: I was raised Catholic, but I'm agnostic now, so I guess I'm a secular humanist.
Michael: Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting.
Oscar: Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?
Michael: Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.
Oscar: Oh.
Michael: Stupid.
Dwight: My cousin Mose's best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose's cream pies. Did I feel bad for killing him? No. That's how you deal with a thief.
Michael: Yeah, the, uh, the charity's having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That's actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Ranch with Newman's Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make... I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won't do it.
Michael: Whoa, 'scuse me! Oh!
Bob Vance: Let... let's pick it up, Phyllis!
Michael: Oh, slow! Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob] You guys are going so slow...
Phyllis: Go get him Bobby!
Michael: Come on, I'm going backwards.
Phyllis: Sic him!
Michael: Oh, all right! All right! All right! All right!
Phyllis: Sic him!
Michael: Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting]
Pediatrician: You're gonna be just fine, Michael! You're gonna have a good life.
Michael: Thanks.
Pediatrician: Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine.
Pediatrician: I'm Michael's pediatrician. Dehydration's pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a... a water bottle.
Michael: Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um... I kinda wish I'd been hit by a car.
Michael: Hey, doc? You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael] Thank you.


Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: I gotcha one. [Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim]
Jim: Oh wow, thank you.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: I'm just gonna grab some chips, you want some?
Pam: No. Thanks... uh we're still having lunch today, right?
Jim: I guess. [Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek] How dare you.
Michael: Hey Toby. What's this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff]
Toby: Ohh.
Michael: [reads memo] I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.
Toby: Yes, uh some people in the office have complained...
Michael: Oh really.
Toby: ...about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know [Michael leans in closer to Toby] I just wanted to remind it's not appropriate to, to do that.
Michael: Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight...
Toby: Ok, look the memo is not about you...
Angela: [to everyone in the room] For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity.
Toby: Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So...
Michael: [turns to address Jim and Pam] No way.
Dwight: What?
Phyllis: You guys are together?
Jim: Ummm... yup. Yes, we are.
Michael: Woooah! Wow!
Andy: Tuna!
Michael: Awesome!
Kevin: I knew it!
Michael: You guys! Yes! Yes!
Pam: Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?
Toby: Yes.
Michael: Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] OK, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim's hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one.
Jim: Actually, we've been dating for a couple months.
Michael: I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim]
Jim: Ohh.. [Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings]
Pam: Phone's ringing. [goes back toward desk]
Michael: No, no, no Pam let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is [starts to well up] really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest.
Dwight: I don't see it. I think they both could do better.
Angela: It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.
Andy: Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?
Michael: Hey. Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
Phyllis: Did you plan it?
Michael: No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it]
Pam: [reading from paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael: Blowing up balloons I thought.
Pam: You might want to trim it a little.
Phyllis: Michael... [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress]
Kelly: [reading sign] Oh, is... Ryan coming back today?
Pam: Yeah, he is.
Kelly: Oh.
Michael: Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.
Angela: What do you want?
Dwight: To give you this [reveals a cat from under a coat].
Angela: Oh, what is that?
Dwight: It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
Angela: Her name was Sprinkles.
Dwight: And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. [shakes cat] Don't you Garbage? [makes chomping noises]
Angela: I can't believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she's even in the ground.
Dwight: You haven't buried her yet?
Angela: Don't rush me. I'm grieving.
Dwight: Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he's a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. [holds cat towards Angela] Look at him.
Angela: I don't want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! [walks away]
Pam: Hey Toby.
Toby: Hey... [sees both Jim and Pam] you two.
Jim: Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those 'we're dating' things for the company.
Toby: Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know [makes quotes with fingers] relationships, so... if, if this is just a casual thing, there's no need, really.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but, it's like pretty official. [Jim smiles]
Toby: Uh huh.
Jim: Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or...?
Toby: Let's just wait and see what happens. [whispers] You know?
Jim: What?
Toby: Let's just wait.
Jim: Oh, OK.
Pam: OK.
Jim: Great. [Jim and Pam walk away]
Pam: [sees Ryan coming through door] Hey Ryan. Welcome back -
Ryan: Hold on one second. [Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds] Hey Pam! It's great to see you. Is Michael in?
Michael: Hey!
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: There he is! There he is! He's back! And he's with a beard. [laughing] He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I'm Tubs.
Ryan: OK. Should we get started?
Michael: Ohh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm..
Ryan: Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting.
Michael: ...business meeting -
Kevin: [rubbing hands in Ryan's hair] Fire!
Ryan: Stop that! Stop that!
Michael: That's right! That's right!
Ryan: [to Kevin] You scared me.
Michael: Fire guy. Don't start any fires, Ryan.
Andy: Fire guy [makes flames with his hands]
Kevin: You weren't here for that.
Andy: Here for what?
Kevin: When he started the fire.
Michael: Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man...
Kevin: Little old man boy.
Ryan: Michael and everybody, umm...
Michael: Beard.
Kevin: Bearded man boy.
Ryan: ...let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect. I am your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan.
Michael: Oh, wow!
Ryan: So...
Michael: That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way.
Ryan: OK...
Michael: Woooo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.
Ryan: Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand?
Michael: Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let's get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] 10 minutes?
Ryan: Perfect.
Michael: Sounds good. OK, alright.
Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, 'Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.' His words.
Ryan: Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains.
Jim: Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it. [Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading 'Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!']
Ryan: This is a massive overhaul. We're getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use.
Michael: OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Ryan: I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight?
Dwight: What if we don't want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?
Ryan: This is company-wide, Dwight.
Dwight: Got it. [Andy's hand goes up]
Ryan: Andy.
Andy: We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together?
Ryan: Any other questions? [Kelly's hand goes up] Kelly Kapoor.
Kelly: Can we speak privately about our relationship?
Ryan: Thank you everybody.
Michael: Ryan Howard everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave]
Creed: That's some fun stuff. When does the website go up?
Ryan: As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system.
Creed: Cool beans.
Creed: We're screwed.
Michael: Who is?
Creed: Us? You and me. The old timers.
Michael: I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.
Creed: You're over 40, that's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I'm telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.
Jim: Swore I wouldn't tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months.
Pam: No.. [in awe]
Jim: Swear to God. [Pam shakes her head]. Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun.
Pam: No, they have been dating for like two years. [Jim in shock] Since before your barbeque.
Jim: Wait. What? [Pam nods her head] You knew? And you didn't say anything?
Pam: You didn't say anything to me?
Jim: Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago.
Pam: Can you believe that...
Phyllis: Sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here.
Jim: Oh no, we're just sitting here.
Phyllis: I couldn't see your hands. [Jim shakes his hands] Hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week, OK?
Pam: OK.
Phyllis: OK.
Jim: OK.
Jim: And... that is why we waited so long to tell people.
Ryan: OK, what's up?
Michael: Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?
Ryan: Well it is business, but not as usual.
Michael: Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no?
Ryan: No. [shaking head] We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system.
Michael: Good, so, we're on the same page?
Ryan: No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself.
Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.
Ryan: So, how are you?
Kelly: Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys.
Ryan: Good.
Kelly: A lot. Black guys mostly.
Ryan: Kelly...
Kelly: What?!
Phyllis: Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time?
Stanley: I don't know.
Phyllis: Did you even try?
Stanley: If the kid wants to set mine up, I'll let him.
Phyllis: I can't see half of the things. [adjusts glasses]
Stanley: It's too little. Use the phone.
Kelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want.
Ryan: Kelly, I'm your boss now, OK? You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend.
Kelly: Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don't think you ever cared about me.
Ryan: I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship.
Kelly: Well, I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant.
Kelly: [shaking head]
Kelly: And guess what buddy, [points at Ryan] I am keeping it.
Ryan: OK. OK.
Kelly: Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby?
Ryan: I can... I can't talk about this right now, OK? After work, we'll go out to dinner, we'll talk about it then, OK?
Kelly: We have a date!
Dwight: Hello.
Angela: Hello, Dwight. I've been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight?
Dwight: Really?
Angela: Yes.
Dwight: I'll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side.
Angela: I would prefer a public place. See you after work.
Jan: Hi, Pam.
Pam: Hi.
Jan: Is Michael in?
Pam: In his office. You can go right in.
Jan: [to Ryan] Hey.
Ryan: Jan.
Jan: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan.
Ryan: So elephant in the room, I have your old job.
Jan: Well, not exactly my job... I had a different title.
Ryan: Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities.
Jan: Different salary. [laughs] You'll get there, don't worry.
Ryan: Well... you look great.
Jan: Thank you, thank you.
Ryan: Scranton suits you.
Jan: Best decision I ever made.
Ryan: You were let go.
Jan: You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. [goes into Michael's office]
Michael: Hey.
Jan: Hey.
Michael: [holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?
Jan: What?
Michael: I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.
Jan: So, what's Ryan doing here?
Michael: Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people.
Jan: He's such a snake.
Michael: Well...
Jan: I hope he's gets hit with an ageism suit.
Michael: What is that... word?
Jan: Ageism? Companies they can't discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off.
Michael: So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
Jan: Yes, Michael, they do.
Oscar: Creed?
Creed: Yes, sir.
Oscar: Everything OK? [Creed has made his hair jet black]
Creed: Everything's cool, dude.
Creed: I'm thirty. Well, in November I'll be thirty.
Ryan: Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here.
Pam: Michael told us to wait in here. We don't know why.
Ryan: [notices pictures on the wall] Ohh... man.
Michael: Good, we're all here, we can get started.
Ryan: Michael.
Michael: Have a seat.
Ryan: We're not doing this today.
Michael: Have a seat. Like everybody else.
Ryan: OK. This is...
Michael: Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also... illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.
Toby: Technically, he's right.
Michael: Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much?
Creed: Because they're lame.
Michael: No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like 'where's the Beef?' [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Yeah.
Jim: Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot.
Pam: Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.
Michael: I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone.
Pam: Oh. [man enters conference room]
Robert Dunder: Michael Scott?
Michael: [puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [They shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in]
Dwight: Oh, yeah. Yes!
Robert Dunder: Thank you everyone.
Ryan: Michael, [gets up] can I talk to you a second?
Michael: Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] 'Scuse me. [closes door]
Ryan: We have actual work to do.
Michael: Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other]
Michael: Bob, how old are you?
Robert Dunder: I'm 87.
Michael: Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?
Robert Dunder: Well, I, I, I haven't been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy.
Michael: Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you.
Dwight: I'm gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.
Robert Dunder: I started this company in 1949.
Michael: Wow.
Robert Dunder: Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction.
Michael: Oh, boy.
Robert Dunder: And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later... Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club.
Michael: Great.
Robert Dunder: And he was, he was [starts laughing] at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm... uhh... Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys.
Michael: Great.
Robert Dunder: And...
Michael: That's great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering him out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?
Robert Dunder: Well I, I, I came here in a cab.
Michael: Perfect. [starts closing the door]
Robert Dunder: Well, cou, could you get me another... [Michael closes door]
Michael: Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand]
Pam: I think that I should help him get home.
Michael: No, No. Don't help him. He doesn't need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] What a nice guy.
Michael: Good night guys. [staff leaves the office]
Ryan: Well, today was a fantastic waste of time.
Michael: I disagree, I think it was very valuable.
Ryan: Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving.
Michael: I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.
Ryan: Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. [Michael retreats back to office] [to Kelly] Where do you wanna go?
Kelly: You know, some place romantic and expensive.
Ryan: Kelly, come on.
Kelly: You know what, you're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. [Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit]
Dwight: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?
Angela: Very much. How's your meat?
Dwight: Dry. Delicious.
Angela: I heard a joke today.
Dwight: Oh, that's funny.
Angela: Yes, it was.
Dwight: Are you enjoying your mineral water?
Angela: I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body.
Dwight: Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here [points to middle of forehead above the eyes], it's an old sales trick.
Angela: I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could.
Dwight: No, please don't do this, monkey.
Angela: I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. [gets up and leaves restaurant]
Toby: Hey guys. This is my, uh, girlfriend, Amy.
Pam: Hi.
Jim: Hey, Amy. How ya doing?
Pam: Nice to meet you.
Jim: [under his breath] Nice to meet you.
Toby: [gesturing to the rest of the office] This is everybody else... okay... This is the place... so thanks for the lift.
Amy: Yeah, sure. I'll, uh, I'll see you tonight, right?
Toby: Absolutely. [Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time, Pam and Jim are shocked]
Amy: Whoa. Easy tiger.
Toby: I just really like you.
Amy: Okay. Bye guys. Nice to meet you.
Toby: Have a great day!
Pam: Whoa, Toby. Watch out. You're going to violate your own PDA memo.
Toby: I wouldn't want to do that now would I?
Michael: Smell that. Do you smell that?
Dwight: Dry rot?
Michael: No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer.
Andy: Mmhmm, sweet, chocolate turtles.
Michael: Yes, no! No, those are for our clients. Actually, our exclients. I'll explain, later.
Michael: Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IM's, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attatched to baskets of food.
Dwight: Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these reciepts for these gift basket items.
Angela: Thank you.
Dwight: You're welcome.
Angela: Is that all?
Dwight: Yes... [whispers] I miss you.
Angela: Elevators.
Angela: Dwight, you have to listen to me! We are not seeing each other anymore! Can you accept that?
Dwight: Fine. [sighs] Then I just want to be friends.
Angela: Good.
Dwight: Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.
Angela: [walks away]
Kelly: I don't understand what the big deal is.
Ryan: You don't?
Kelly: No!
Ryan: You lied about being pregnant.
Kelly: Right, so?
Ryan: You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry?
Kelly: No!
Ryan: We're never getting back together.
Kelly: Why not?
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Alright I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone?
Pam: It's funny you bring that up because yes it is.
Jim: I knew it. Oh man, just like that huh?
Pam: I think... I mean, I don't know what it is but...
Jim: Be honest.
Pam: I now find you repulsive.
Jim: That's honest. [sighs] Alright, fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted though, wasn't it?
Pam: Eh...
Jim: For me, it was.
Pam: OK.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: Hey boss, I didn't know you were coming in today.
Ryan: What's, uh, going on here?
Michael: I am glad that you asked, listen up everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back.
Ryan: With gift baskets.
Michael: With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt because you know what? That's what people like.
Michael: Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. 'You can't be on the team', 'You can't move on to second grade'. Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods. [shakes head] We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class.
Michael: OK. We're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me Andy.
Stanley: I'm not driving with him. [points at Dwight]
Andy: I'll go with you Stanley.
Stanley: Or him.
Jim: Why don't we just go by ourselves?
Michael: Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship?
Phyllis: Michael.
Michael: Yes?
Phyllis: This is stupid.
Michael: OK, that's not helpful Phyllis.
Phyllis: How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back?
Michael: Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve.
Andy: What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever.
Jim: What about a gift basket full of cash?
Andy: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna.
Michael: Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. [walks toward the door]
Dwight: Michael, wait. Let me go.
Michael: No, this is my quest.
Dwight: Please, let me go. I need to win those clients back. [camera moves around and zooms in at Angela's face] Please.
Michael: Fine. Then God speed. To both of us.
Ryan: Good luck Michael.
Michael: We don't need luck.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: But thank you, that was really nice of you to say.
Dwight: Thank you.
Michael: Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.
Ryan: [speaking on the phone] Yes, I understand that David. I just felt that if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India which a lot of companies... Yeah, no, yes Kelly is Indian... I understand that's confusing.
Creed: [looks at vending machine] Hey brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater.
Dwight: [in Michael's car] Sweet ride, American made. What happened to the Sebring?
Michael: It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.
Dwight: Ah, that's a pain in the ass.
Michael: I know. So who's next?
Dwight: Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot.
GPS: Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidence will begin.
Dwight: Why do you use that thing? Let's them know where you are at all times.
Michael: Who?
Dwight: The government, spy satellites, private detectives... exgirlfriends. [sobs and then starts to cry]
Ryan: Next night, I'm out, at a bar, 2 AM, I figure I'll get a sandwich because you can get a sandwich any time of the night. [claps hands] I run into Vince Vaughn.
Kevin: No way!
Ryan: Literally.
Andy: Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do.
Ryan: ... Later guys.
Kevin: Yeah, later dude.
Andy: Later man.
Kevin: Oh, Jim! How awesome is Ryan now?
Jim: Yeah, he's definitely something.
Kevin: What does that mean?
Jim: That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing?
Andy: Ha! Tuna... [inhales deeply] Tuna Tuna Tuna.
Kevin: Tuna Tuna Tuna.
Andy: He has a killer job, he's rich, he smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like, he wears really cool rich guy clothes.
Kevin: And he can get any girl that he wants.
Andy: So, sorry Tuna but if you don't know why that's awesome... then... you need awesome lessons.
Kevin: Tuna. Check you later.
Michael: [places the gift basket on top of the table] Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps?
Larry Myers: You know we closed our account with you right?
Michael: Yes we do.
Larry Myers: We're with Office Depot now.
Dwight: Yes, yes we know but we just have not gotten over you.
Michael: Well...
Dwight: And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service, the very best personal business relationship we can if you ever decide to come back to us.
Michael: Mmhmm.
Larry Myers: OK. I don't think we're coming back.
Dwight: Please, come back.
Michael: OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch.
Dwight: Remember what we had Larry?
Larry Myers: I mean, really it's about money.
Michael: Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket.
Larry Myers: OK thanks.
Michael: Alright.
Larry Myers: I mean their website is really easy to use too. That's a big deal for us.
Michael: [driving] That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?
Dwight: I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable.
Michael: That is true.
Dwight: Like Angela in accounting.
Michael: Yes, she is nuts.
Dwight: Ugh... no, she's wonderful... at accounting. But she drives me crazy.
GPS: Make the next right turn.
Michael: How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive.
Ryan: Hey Pam. I haven't settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know you're into graphic design. Do you want to give it a shot? Maybe try and deisgn the logo?
Pam: Uh totally.
Ryan: Cool, that would be great. Um, can you do a couple mock ups and I'll take a look?
Pam: Yeah.
Ryan: Thank you very much.
Pam: Thank you.
Ryan: Cool.
Pam: OK.
Pam: Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock ups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some... splash frames. [laughs] I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm excited.
Michael: And the last guy says 'No, hairy body'.
Ex-client: You know I have heard it before.
Michael: Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing?
Ex-client: She's great, thanks for asking. Great memory.
Michael: She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider.
Ex-client: Oh, OK.
Michael: OK, OK! So you'll reconsider?
Ex-client: OK thanks for the goodies.
Michael: Ah... .is that all you have to say?
Ex-client: It looks delicious? I don't know.
Dwight: You don't know?
Michael: Look, we want you back.
Ex-client: Can you offer lower prices?
Michael: Well, no.
Ex-client: Then we're not coming back.
Dwight: He's not coming back, it's over Michael.
Michael: No it's not.
Ex-client: No he's right.
Dwight: Accept it, why would he come back?
Michael: Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us.
Dwight: That's not gonna change his mind. He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it.
Michael: Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier.
Ex-client: Oh, OK. Well when it's up, I'll check it out, and if it really cuts costs maybe we'll come back.
Michael: Great, the magic of the gift basket.
Ex-client: That I don't care about as much. Let me know when the site's up.
Michael: OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic.
GPS: Proceed straight.
Dwight: [in Michael's car] Well we're O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake, on the southeast side.
Michael: I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing.
Dwight: That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you.
Michael: That is a very good point, Dwight.
GPS: Make a right turn.
Dwight: Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right, up there.
Michael: No, it said right, it said take a right.
Dwight: No no no, look, it means go up to the right, bare right, over the bridge and hook up with 307.
Michael: Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right. [turns right]
Dwight: It can't mean that! There's a lake there!
Michael: The machine knows where it is going!
Dwight: This is the lake!
Michael: The machine knows- stop yelling at me!
Dwight: No, it's- there's no road here! [car drives into lake]
Dwight: Remain calm! I have trained for this! [unfastens seat belt] Okay, exit the window! [Dwight and Michael exit through the window] Here we go! Look out for leeches! [swims toward Michael] Are you okay?! Swim for it! I got you! [Dwight grabs onto Michael while Michael opens the back door for the camera man] Michael! Michael!
Michael: Let go, let go of me!
Dwight: I got you, I got you! [Michael and Dwight reach the ground]
Michael: [watching car get pulled from lake] You sure you're OK?
Dwight: Fine.
Michael: Good, that is what's most important.
Dwight: Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this.
Michael: What a disaster, this whole thing.
Dwight: I'll call a cab. [brings out cell phone]
Michael: These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it.
Dwight: Look at that, still works. Old fashioned cell phone.
Michael: What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. 'I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy'. Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us.
Dwight: [speaking on the cell phone] Yes, we need a cab at Lake Scranton, at the end of East Mountain Road, in the lake.
Michael: Hang up. [Dwight hangs up] You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket!
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand!
Dwight: Take a stand!
Pam: So place it on the infinity thing without being obvious, you know? I'd love to do like a color version just to bring a little color to the logo.
Ryan: I like it a lot. It's clear and subtle at the same time. It's really good, you have a real talent for this stuff.
Pam: Thanks.
Ryan: I'd love to talk to you about it more.
Pam: That'd be great.
Ryan: Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?
Pam: Oh... is it...
Ryan: Wear something nice.
Pam: No...
Ryan: What?
Pam: Um...
Ryan: I just... I just wanted to have dinner.
Pam: I'm uh, I'm dating Jim.
Ryan: You're kidding?
Pam: We're together.
Ryan: That's... great, I... that's awesome.
Pam: Yeah, great.
Ryan: [grabs paper with mockups] So let me um, let me look at these.
Pam: OK great!
Ryan: Cool.
Pam: Great.
Jim: I guess he can't get any girl he wants.
Ex-client: Did you forget something? What happened to you guys?
Michael: Give it back. The gift basket, give it back.
Ex-client: Oh what is this?
Dwight: It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket.
Ex-client: Maybe you should leave.
Michael: Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! [sits on couch]
Dwight: Can you call us a cab please, I'm gonna [gets water from his clothes on the couch] Oops, sorry!
Michael: Look, my clothes are so wet!
Dwight: Nice leather, oh my shoes are so muddy! [rubs shoes on couch]
Ex-client: [comes back with gift basket] Alright here you go, take it back!
Michael: It's been opened.
Ex-client: Yeah it was mine!
Michael: What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?
Ex-client: Come on guys, get out of here!
Michael: WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?
Dwight: [enters nearby room] Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now!
Ex-client: I ate them OK, I ate the turtles, they're gone!
Dwight: [leaving] We'll bill you.
Michael: May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan: That is not correct.
Michael: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
Oscar: You did what?
Michael: I drove my car into a [bleep] lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me.
Jim: Into a lake.
Michael: Exactly!
Phyllis: Did you get any clients back?
Michael: Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. [looks at Ryan] Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game.
Michael: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.
Ryan: I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. ... It was two hundred dollars.
Ryan: You should come visit. The city is... amazing.
Jim: I know. I love it there.
Ryan: No. You don't know until you live there. There's something about waking up every morning and just being in that city.
Jim: Mmhmm, yeah, last time I was there I had a lot of fun.
Ryan: No. You can't imagine it, though. The energy when you're actually there. You're just part of something bigger than you, that's moving faster than you. Your dreams are... . it just... everything feels so limitless.
Jim: Sounds great.
Ryan: No. It... eh... you can't... it's not about how it sounds.
Jim: Yeee... (grunts in frustration)
Michael: Yes. My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation. Very, very excited. He is my protege. He is someone that I hand-raised, that I nurtured. Um... he is like a prime cut of veal whom I nourished with my milk. And now he is also my boss. So, win/win.
Oscar: [pointing] Um... [camera reveals that 'RYAN' is crossed out on the 'Welcome Back RYAN banner'; 'A**HOLE' is now written in. Kelly is sitting next to the banner]
Michael: Oh, Okay. Okay. Just...[Michael takes down banner, clears throat] Well, our old friend Ryan Howard is back, and we're going to give a little presentation about the future of our company. So please listen up. [awkward pause] All right.
Ryan: [to Michael] Have a seat with everybody else.
Michael: You don't want me to help?
Ryan: You don't know what I'm going to talk about. [Michael heads toward chairs] Actually, can you do me a favor?
Michael: Yes?
Ryan: Can you get me a cold water?
Pam: I got it.
Ryan: That's all right, Pam. Michael's got it. [Michael and Ryan look at each other for 5 seconds]
Michael: [laughs] Um... yes, I'll be right back!
Ryan: Thank you.
Jim: That was slightly harsh, don't you think?
Ryan: I spent three years, driving around, getting him yams and magic wands. He can get me water.
Michael: I think I know what's going on. Ryan believes that there is some sort of special 'boss water' that he gets to drink now. And there isn't. But, um... don't tell him. Don't tell him that. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.
Michael: Ryan is causing some problems. And you were always good at handling him. What should I do to control him?
Kelly: Well, he's super-ticklish, I don't know if that helps.
Michael: I know, I know, no, what... something else.
Kelly: Oh, he's also super-insecure about his height.
Michael: Uh-huh.
Kelly: And he doesn't care about anybody but himself.
Michael: Good.
Kelly: And don't have sex with him, 'cause if you do, the next two years of your life will be a total waste of time.
Michael: My generation's all about hard work and accomplishment. Like... the moon landing. Or Vietnam. Rolling Stones. Greatest band ever.
Oscar: You're forty-three. Mick Jagger's like sixty-five.
Michael: And still rockin', Oscar. One of the greatest all-time oldies was a little Oriental guy named Confucius. He literally invented the ancient Chinese secret. Here's some of his quotes. Confucius say, 'Man who farts in church must sit in his own pew.' Confucius say, 'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.' Confucius also say, 'Virgin like balloon. One prick, all gone!'
Oscar: Did you Google Confucius and just print out the first thing you saw?
Michael: No, I skipped through all of the boring stuff and went right to his joke page. Which proves that he was old, but he was also hilarious.
Jan: [sighs, whistles] Michael, please would you not email while we're having lunch?
Michael: I'm not. It's solitaire. See?
Michael: BlackBerry. Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit? You wouldn't name an iPod after a fruit. [drops BlackBerry on desk] Excuse me while I type on my Banana. I'm gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer. [thinks] Apple. [nods]
Michael: This is going on the outside. The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner. Do not tape those on.
Pam: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Mmhmm.
Pam: Jan called and asked where you're going to meet for dinner. She wants you to call her.
Michael: I'm a little busy right now. Could you BlackBerry me a message?
Pam: Sure.
Pam: Michael doesn't know how to work his BlackBerry. So when he says BlackBerry me a message, he means write it on a Post-it note and stick it to his BlackBerry.
Ryan: Okay, everyone, I have a conference call, but after that, I'm going to lead a BlackBerry tutorial for anyone who's having any problems. Who here's set theirs up? [Jim and Andy raise their hands; Phyllis half-raises hers. Ryan notices that Michael does not raise his] Great. Well, I will see the rest of you at 2:30.
Jim: You didn't set up your BlackBerry, Dwight?
Dwight: Yes, I did, but I do not intend to use it. It is pointless technology.
Jim: As opposed to...
Dwight: Printing press. Tractor. Mechanical thresher. Telephone. Airplane. The only inventions that matter.
Jim: What about cars?
Dwight: They fall under the category of airplanes.
Jim: They do? So, cars are flightless airplanes.
Dwight: Correct.
Jim: Got it. They're like the penguins of the airplane family.
Dwight: That's an excellent analogy.
Jim: Thanks.
Pam: Hey, Dwight, what about vaccines?
Dwight: [scoffs] Vaccines are for chumps!
Dwight: My mom didn't believe in vaccines. I got my smallpox the old-fashioned way. And I survived. So... joke's on you hospitals.
Michael: [Creed is using the toaster as a mirror, and touching up his hair with a Sharpie and a comb] The one advantage to being older is that I know a few things about a few things, and I am young enough to not forget them. And old enough to know the difference between the two. I am old enough to take advantage of age discrimination laws, but young enough to date college girls. But old enough to know better. I'm at a perfect age. I could die now. But I won't, because I am young.
Creed: Sup? [rolls into kitchen on a skateboard]
Kevin: Hi, Creed, what's up?
Creed: Just boardin', you know how we do. [flips skateboard up]
Oscar: I... like your hair. I don't know if I told you.
Creed: Oh, thanks ese. So, what are you guys doing?
Kevin: What do you mean?
Creed: To look younger, so the kid doesn't replace you with machines.
Oscar: I think I'll just take my chances.
Creed: Suit yourself. But, if it were me, Botox [points at Oscar], wig [points at Kevin].
Kevin: Wha...