Dwight: [knocks water bottle on to Jim's desk] Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.
Dwight: Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.
Dwight: Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you're in a suicide cult.
Creed: No. No. No. You're way off on that one.
Dwight: Oh yeah?
Oscar: Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.
Jim: Hey guys let's just all admit it. Ok? Dwight's better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he's never, ever going to go back on it right?
Dwight: That's right Jim.
Darryl: Hey man.
Dwight: [jumping up from an almost sitting position] Hey.
Darryl: Taking a load off huh?
Dwight: No. Putting a load on more like it.
Darryl: Good luck with that.
Dwight: Last thing I need is luck. [hunches down again]
Dwight: [to Angela] Thank you so much. [hums]
Jim: [sees a pole poking out Dwight's pant leg] What are you up to? Oops look out! [grabs Dwight's wallet]
Dwight: What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!
Jim: Prank! [throws money from Dwight's wallet on the floor]
Dwight: Oh that's real creative.
Jim: You know what it's not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?
Dwight: I could, but I just don't feel like it loser.
Jim: Because you're sitting?
Dwight: Standing.
Jim: Ok.
Dwight: Don't!
Jim: Because you're sitting?
Dwight: Standing.
Jim: You know I have to do this.
Dwight: I know. [Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams]
Andy: [signing his name] Andrew' Baines' Bernard.
Jim: I think you could just do Andy Bernard.
Andy: Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it's like taking a test, but I know the answers.
Robert: [loudly knocking on the window] In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. [to Mrs. California] There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?
Andy: What was that?
Jim: I don't know. He wasn't talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn't hire his wife.
Ryan: That's why my foundation ' The Dream for a Wish Foundation ' is going to put them out of business. They're not going to know what hit them.
Robert: Everyone. I'd like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.
Susan: Hello. Oh call me Susan please.
Robert: Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she's here today to see if there's a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.
Susan: Hello nice to meet you.
Andy: Hey there. It's a pleasure.
Robert: Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she'll shine.
Andy: I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We're 100 percent staffed up.
Robert: Andy. Let's see if there's a good fit first. Then we'll talk.
Andy: Alright.
Dwight: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
Darryl: You don't have to say it if you're doing it.
Dwight: [laughs] Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?
Darryl: Uh weight lifting yeah.
Dwight: Well today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?
Darryl: I'll take a look.
Dwight: Your path from obesity begins right here!
Darryl: I've been meaning to join a gym. [narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val] For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents.
Dwight: Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.
Andy: Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.
Susan: Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.
Ryan: Actually Ryan.
Susan: Oh, Ryan.
Ryan: Bitttch!
Andy: We will start here at Erinville.
Susan: Hi.
Erin: Hoo-hoo!
Andy: Reception. Your classic one-man operation.
Erin: Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.
Andy: I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.
Robert: Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn't you agree Andy?
Andy: I'll explore exploring it.
Robert: Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I'll just duck out and run the company for a while.
Andy: Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. [Jim laughs nervously] Alright have at it. Let 'er rip. What do you hate about this place?
Jim: Well it's sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.
Dwight: Maybe you do. Hi. I'm Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It's paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.
Andy: Jim?
Jim: Well it's not that easy. It's kind of sometimes difficult.
Dwight: It's the second easiest job in the world. [to camera] Being a mom.
Susan: I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.
Dwight: That is true.
Andy: You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.
Dwight: That's me.
Andy: Dwight why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.
Dwight: Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale [makes gun click noise].
Susan: Well make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings [makes gun click noise back].
Andy: Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? [montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan]. The entire office is being nice to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room clearing farts right now.
Dwight: Ready? What do you think?
Darryl: Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.
Dwight: You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke [squats, grunts and lifts] Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station [tries and fails to tear a phone book in half]. You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month'
Darryl: Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.
Dwight: Darryl... [picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire]
Darryl: Make a real gym.
Susan: I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.
Andy: But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.
Susan: Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.
Andy: Those are fully staffed as well.
Robert: Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?
Andy: [laughing nervously] Yes.
Robert: I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.
Andy: Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-
Susan: Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there's no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don't we just let it go.
Robert: No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.
Andy: There are lots of considerations.
Robert: I would be eternally grateful. It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.
Andy: Alright. Well then welcome aboard.
Susan: So what happens next?
Andy: We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. [phone rings] Hang on. Hello?
Robert: [on phone] Say hello grandma.
Andy: Hi gam-gam.
Robert: Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, 'are you taking your medicine?'
Andy: Are you taking your med-meds?
Robert: Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. [Robert and Andy hang up phones]
Susan: You didn't say goodbye to your grandma.
Andy: We promised we'd never say goodbye.
Dwight: Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.
Oscar: All I need is another gym. As if I don't have enough drama.
Phyllis: We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom.
Oscar: Who's spotting who? Don't use the bike in the corner. That's Bruce's. Jeremy says'
Angela: Enough Oscar, enough.
Dwight: Kelly?
Kelly: I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.
Dwight: That's okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.
Toby: Did you bring your passport with you?
Susan: Who walks around with their passport?
Toby: Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.
Susan: Have you had any?
Toby: No.
Andy: [sees Susan is busy in the annex] Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.
Oscar: Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her?
Andy/Oscar: it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.
Kevin: How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.
Angela: This is all pathetic.
Andy: I am not asking, I am ordering.
Oscar: How mean are we talking about?
Andy: It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.
Erin: Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.
Erin: Here you go. [gives Susan a tiny stapler]
Susan: Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer.
Erin: Well that's a sales desk.
Kevin: Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.
Jim: No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.
Oscar: That's Gerald. [hands phone to Jim]
Jim: Oh, wow. So cute.
Susan: Oh, that is so cute-
Phyllis: [grabs phone] Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle?
Oscar: Yeah, he's in a ladle.
Erin: That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?
Oscar: He did it himself.
Phyllis: Is that ladle stainless or...
Oscar: Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma.
Susan: Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup. [Jim chuckles]
Oscar: It's not that kind of ladle.
Jim: Very cute. [holds out the phone]
Susan: Aw, let me see-
Oscar: [grabs phone] Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this.
Susan: I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert.
Susan: Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.
Robert: Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this.
Andy: [in robot voice] What is going on?
Robert: [chuckles] Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.
Andy: Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you?
Susan: Do you not want me here?
Andy: Why would you say that?
Susan: It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either.
Andy: It's not that, exactly.
Susan: But it is something.
Andy: Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.
Susan: Why would you not want me working here?
Andy: I don't know. [chuckles]
Susan: I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?
Andy: Yes! The dude is an enigma.
Susan: Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?
Andy: Ah... [stammers]
Susan: Got it.
Dwight: What do you think you're doing?
Darryl: Getting my sweat on.
Dwight: I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?
Darryl: I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.
Dwight: I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Eight minutes!
Darryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? [points] I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!
Darryl: It's Lejon Brames.
Dwight: That's what I said.
Darryl: You know, get it right.
Dwight: I know.
Andy: [to Susan] Cameras...
Robert: [enters] Oh, still here. Terrific.
Susan: Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.
Robert: Well that's a shame.
Andy: It just was one of those things-
Susan: Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine.
Robert: Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?
Susan: No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him.
Robert: What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person.
Susan: You sure about that?
Robert: Absolutely.
Susan: No games?
Robert: No games.
Susan: Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.
Robert: Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.
Susan: Andy?
Andy: Yes?
Susan: Why do you keep looking at my husband?
Robert: Andy, just answer the question.
Andy: No games?
Robert: No games.
Andy: Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, 'in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.' [laughs]
Robert: You lying son of a bitch!
Robert: Tell my wife you're lying.
Andy: I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.
Susan: That's not true, is it?
Andy: No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there.
Robert: This is preposterous.
Susan: Robert...
Robert: Let's get Jim in here. [Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim] Where's Jim?
Erin: He just rolled out and crawled out.
Robert: Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this.
Jim: [to Hank who is closing the gate] Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay. [runs]
Robert: [sees Jim's abandoned car] That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere.
Jim: [shoe falls while climbing ladder] Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. [grunts] Creed. I was never here, all right?
Creed: Okay. What about your friend?
Jim: Oh boy.
Dwight: This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.
Darryl: Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.
Dwight: First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.
Darryl: Okay, I'm not doing that.
Dwight: Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!
Gabe: I didn't know Darryl joined.
Darryl: Looks that way.
Gabe: Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.
Robert: Hello Jim. [Jim tries to escape]
Andy: [grabs Jim's leg] No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna!
Robert: So I think you know what we want to know.
Jim: Do I?
Robert: Yes.
Jim: [mutters] I know, I do.
Andy: Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness.
Jim: I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can...
Susan: For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here?
Jim: That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse.
Andy: [laughs] I think we've got ourselves an answer.
Robert: No.
Andy: That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.
Jim: Perfect!
Susan: Jim...
Jim: Yes?
Susan: Answer the question, please.
Jim: [sighs] I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.
Robert: All right. Thanks.
Jim: Yes. All right. Great. [leaves]
Andy: Uh...
Robert: Yeah.
Andy: Yep.
Susan: [Robert holds the door, she walks through] Thank you. [leaves]
Robert: [claps Andy's shoulder] Heh.
Susan: Andy.
Andy: Hey, Mrs. California.
Susan: Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.
Andy: You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.
Susan: Yeah, I thought we really hit it off.
Andy: Yeah.
Susan: Well, different circumstances.
Andy: Yeah.
Susan: Who knows?
Andy: Who knows?
Susan: Maybe after all this settles down...
Andy: Totally.
Susan: It's a date.
Andy: Hmm?
Dwight: You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?
Darryl: This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.
Dwight: Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!
Darryl: Dwight, come back and spot me.
Dwight: All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?
Darryl: To push this bar up.
Dwight: No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?
Darryl: Help me!
Dwight: What do you want!?!
Darryl: To look good for Val!
Dwight: Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.
Gabe: They say that if you can strengthen your core, it improves your sexual performance. So, you will find me on the Ab-Blaster. And then you will find me blasting...uh, a very nice young woman.
Meredith: Gotta get in shape. I'm doing Ironman next month. And I want him to be attracted to me.
Dwight: Hey, what are you listening to?
Gabe: Steve Martin. [laughs, then falls] uh, I'm fine. [grunts]
Erin: Um, where's the shower?
Dwight: There is no shower.
Kathy: There isn't?
Dwight: What does this look like, a shower store? Get lost.
Oscar: You have got to be kidding me! No shower?!
Dwight: Exercise lengthens life. Improves mood, boosts sex drive, and I've already covered the BM of it all. It's miraculous the effect that I will have on their lives.
Andy: So, Roberto Californio doesn't want to work with his wife. I get it. And, he wants to give his wife a job. Totally get it. What I am struggling with is the part of this that's impossible.
Robert: I love my wife.
Jim: This whole thing is making me very uncomfortable. I'm not getting between the boss and his wife so just ask me about something else. You know Stanley's tie is really the story of the day...
Stanley: It's my birthday.
Jim: Ok, so that's a disaster. Luckily have a two-part plan. One, run. Two, hide. It's pretty smart, right? [walks into Vance Refrigeration office] Hi, how you doing? I'm Jim Halpert from across the hall. We are redoing our supply closet and I was wondering if I could take a look at yours for some ideas.
Bob's Secretary: Let me just check with Bob.
Jim: You absolutely should. He said it was ok, so till you get him, I'll just be in, you know. [closes door behind him to supply closet]
Bob's Secretary: [on phone] Bob? Jim just went into the closet.
Andy: Ugh! He's always one step ahead of us! How does he do that?
Mrs. California: This is insulting!
Robert: This whole accusation is insulting. Come on.


Andy: [Singing as if he were the dolls in his office] Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! [Normal voice] Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true.
Andy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley: Holiday wishes.
Andy: What's that, Stanley?
Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.
Jim: I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea.
Stanley: I don't want no Kwanza wreath, I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's it's own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!
Meredith: What is the status on my wish?
Andy: Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required.
Dwight: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Andy: That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy: Light side.
Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent...beachfront.
Dwight: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica...C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.
Jim: She's not your grandmother, is she?
Andy: Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?
Jim: Yeah.
Andy: Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.
Creed: That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?
Andy: Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam.
Erin: I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home.
Kelly: I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be.
Erin: Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly.
Kelly: It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.
Erin: That's OK, I don't want you to do that.
Robert: [laughing] Hello, ah. Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati.
Kelly: Eww, what is that?
Robert: The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts.
Kelly: Cool.
Kevin: Hey, man.
Robert: Hey! [Kevin embraces Robert in a tight hug] Oh!
Kevin: How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you?
Oscar: Kevin?
Robert: I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Kevin: Yeah.
Robert: It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.
Andy: Well you came to the right place...Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up.
Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop...ah, heartbreaking. [gestures to Andy in Santa costume]
Andy: Oh, thank you.
Andy: Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. [puts on baseball cap that has a foam rear-end on it with the words 'HARD ASS'] But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.
Dwight: Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.
Jim: It wasn't me.
Andy: It wasn't either of you.
Jim: Kathy wants to leave our clump?
Andy: Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.
Dwight: I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. [punches Jim in the arm]
Jim: Ow, What are you doing? [Jim fights back]
Andy: Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!
Jim: Pam never seemed to have a problem with us.
Andy: Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand...Mo-nay.
Jim: What was that?
Dwight: What is it?
Andy: Money...You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person.
Jim: Can't do that.
Dwight: No, absolutely not.
Andy: You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells.
Jessica: Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy?
Erin: Jessica. Yes. We don't say hi, we hug. [gets up and hugs Jessica] I'm Erin.
Jessica: Oh! [laughs] Oof!
Erin: Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here.
Jessica: Oh.
Andy: My ex is meeting my sex...which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it.
Andy: Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my penis. [laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek] Hi.
Jessica: Hi.
Andy: Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.
Erin: Wow.
Andy: Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.
Jessica: Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office.
Erin: Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.
Andy: What?
Jessica: Oh.
Erin: Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did. [Jessica laughs, Erin exaggerates back curve]
Andy: Oh no.
Jessica: Ah..[laughs]
Andy: Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis.
Jessica: Spontaneous scoliosis. [both laugh]
Erin: Oh.
Darryl: This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution.
Val: Thank you.
Darryl: Alright.
Val: Alright.
Darryl: Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about.
Val: Isn't that just for popsicles?
Darryl: Popsicles?
Val: Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt?
Nate: Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. [laughs] I, in my, I...
Darryl: Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid.
Nate: You had me at 'clookies.' I can't wait to find out what they are.
Val: What should I wear?
Darryl: Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up.
Nate: I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.
Jim: Ah...[sees Dwight's wallet and open email] I'm gonna s- [see's Dwight watching from break room]
Jim: Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing...I get really pranky when I drink.
Robert: Erin, what can I get for you?
Erin: Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it.
Robert: Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots!
Ryan: Yes!
Oscar: Yes!
Ryan: Will do.
Robert: The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too.
Phyllis: One, two three! [group takes shots]
Kevin: Yes.
Erin: OK. [takes shot, group laughs]
Robert: Mmm. Wow.
Erin: Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!
Robert: Jiminey Christmas indeed.
Erin: Hit 'er up.
Robert: Oh.
Kevin: Oh yes.
Ryan: Whoo!
Erin: Yeah! [laughs]
Oscar: Wow.
Jim: [on phone] Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye.
Jim: So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife...from me.
Dwight: [laughing] Boom!
Ryan: But look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...[Val walks in dressed very formally] whoa, hello. Um, you're allowed to do...
Kevin: Good cookie.
Darryl: I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster.
Val: OK.
Darryl: I thought you'd wear a sweater.
Val: Since when does a sweater mean 'dressed up'? Am I your grandson?
Darryl: Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you.
Val: As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe.
Erin: [imitating Stanley] I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. [group laughs] and then I want my nap!
Stanley: That's right. [laughs]
Erin: Whoo! [group laughs] Thank you.
Robert: She, she is remarkable.
Andy: Edgy impressions.
Erin: Thank you.
Andy: How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.
Erin: A thousand.
Andy: Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.
Erin: [serious] Maybe you should mind your own business. [normal voice] Just kidding!
Dwight: Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!
Toby: Oh my god.
Dwight: Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!
Jim: I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?
Dwight: Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?
Jim: Hmm...
Toby: You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.
Toby: Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.
Angela: Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
Toby: No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife.
Dwight: Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.
Jim: Nice try, this is ridiculous.
Dwight: Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.
Jim: Three times.
Dwight: You see?
Andy: Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.
Jim: Andy, you've gotta be kidding me.
Toby: Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand...
Kelly: Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?
Jim: OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control...
Dwight: Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute.
Angela: No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs.
Jim: [on phone] Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up.
Dwight: Come down right away!
Jim: [on phone]Uh, I don't know, let me ask. [to Dwight] Uh, were you quilled?
Dwight: Yes, I was quilled.
Jim: And what's it's name?
Dwight: Henrietta.
Jim: Oops. [hangs up]
Andy: What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight.
Erin: Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I'm so happy you guys are together. OK? [Andy and Jessica laugh] And you both have such beautiful hair.
Jessica: [laughs] Thank you.
Erin: I hope you guys get married...and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone.
Andy: OK!
Erin: And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. [blows kisses and pushes Andy and Jessica's faces together.] Ah! [laughs] OK, well I'm gonna go do another reverse spit. That's how the cool kids say 'get a drink'. [blows kisses and dances away]
Jessica: That's uh, that's the girl you dated.
Andy: Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um...
Jessica: No, she, she seems fine.
Andy: Yeah, uh, excuse me.
Jessica: OK.
Andy: Yep. [leaves Jessica to talk to Erin] Hey!
Erin: Hey.
Andy: Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
Erin: Every martini has an olive.
Andy: OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Kevin: I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.
Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Andy: Ah, OK.
Erin: It's about you.
Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin: [slurring slightly] It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy: You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.
Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar? [Andy leaves]
Kevin: Hey.
Erin: Hey.
Kevin: So, there was talk of oatmeal.
Phyllis: You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess.
Val: Yeah. Thanks.
Andy: I swear...
Jessica: Did you not...
Andy: I was too embarrassed! [group laughs]
Jim: Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. [shows picture of Cici with devil doodles] Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that?
Phyllis: Is that Cici?
Jim: Yes. It is.
Andy: Um.
Phyllis: That's awful.
Andy: Cici is Jim's daughter.
Jessica: Oh my god. How could somebody do that?
Jim: I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, any one, pick one. Not my kid though.
Oscar: Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this?
Jim: I don't-
Andy: I know who did this...Dwight.
Phyllis: Dwight?
Jim: Yeah.
Andy: Dwight.
Oscar: No!
Phyllis: He should pay.
Andy: Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.
Jim: O...K.
Andy: It's, I mean.
Jim: Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it's a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like...
Oscar: That's no accident.
Jim: Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident.
Phyllis: What?
Oscar: What?
Jim: I'll figure it out, get to the bottom of it...Merry merry.
Dwight: Enough of this garbage. [harshly places boom box on table and hits play] This is Christmas. [Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays. Dwight plays air violin/guitar and sings along] Hi-yah!!!!! [gabe, Creed and Nate join in as shots show various gift giving] Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!!
Jim: You alright, Santa?
Andy: You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?
Jim: Yes.
Andy: Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?
Jim: Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.
Andy: No...I don't, hmm, I don't know.
Jim: OK.
Andy: By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work.
Jim: Alright. I will definitely do that.
Andy: Alright, I'll tell Dwight.
Jim: You know what? You're sitting, and thinking, and it's probably better if it comes from me anyway.
Andy: Christmas miracles do happen.
Jim: Yes. They totally do.
Ryan: You can't click on these Kardashian links, that's why you have so many viruses.
Kelly: Well help me, OK? Just, uh take...
Ryan: I'm trying but you need to-
Erin: Hey.
Kelly: Yo.
Erin: Game on.
Kelly: On it.
Jessica: [group laughing] I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful...
Kelly: Jessica, did you just fart? [group stops laughing]
Kelly: And that, is how it's done.
Erin: I would like another alcohol.
Robert: Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar.
Oscar: What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler..does anyone have any chocolate shavings?
Robert: Your heart is broken. So is mine.
Erin: And...
Robert: And what?
Erin: And you have any advice or anything?
Robert: No [laughs] my god.
Erin: ...Help me feel better...
Robert: I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice...I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better.
Nate: When you do your makeup,
Jessica: Uh huh.
Nate: How long you, does it take usually? Cause...
Jessica: Um, it ta-, um it depends.
Toby: '..Chad Flendermen's kryptonite. [Darryl walks up to Toby and Val in a tuxedo]
Creed: Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here.
Darryl: Hi.
Jessica: I'll see you at home?
Andy: OK great.
Jessica: OK
Andy: Perfect.
Jessica: Bye [kiss]...I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab and pay for it.
Andy: I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish.
Jessica: Oh
Meredith: Either he drives or I drive. Now I'm drunk and mad.
Jessica: OK [laughs] Bye.
Andy: OK, bye. [helps Meredith off the floor] Alright Meredith,
Meredith: Thank you Santa.
Andy: You bet.
Andy: Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. [laughs] and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer,
Andy: Let's go, let's go.
Meredith: I know, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Andy: Hang on.
Meredith: Alright. [Andy opens back of her van, things fall out]
Andy: What?
Meredith: Whoa! My stuff!
Andy: What is all that?
Meredith: It's my valuables!
Andy: It's junk!
Meredith: This is my treasures, no they're my treasures!
Andy: You're a hoarder. My god!
Meredith: No I'm not, I'm gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful.
Andy: Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.
Dwight: [laughs while spray painting 'Jim is Awesome' on his own car, talks to porcupine in carrier] What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh?
Meredith: Where are we? This ain't my street.
Andy: Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh.
Meredith: Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh?
Andy: Oh my god.
Meredith: Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?
Andy: Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.
Robert: Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning.
Erin: Thank you, goodnight.
Meredith: What are you smiling for? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Andy: I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home.
Meredith: Ow! Take it easy.
Andy: Whoo.
Dwight: [yawns, 'Idiot' is written on his forehead] Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?
Oscar: Dwight.
Dwight: Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?
Jim: Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something...C'mon, Jim. [shakes head] I got nothin'.
Robert: Where can I get a drink? Oh...
Andy: Oh, uh. Well, we thought we wouldn't put the alcohol out till 11AM. It's just...common...decency.
Robert: Par for the course. Par for the...freaking course. I'll be in the party room having a cookie until 11. Haha! Yule-log.
Robert: Not destroyed. No... Not destructive. Quite...off-kilter, sure. But... that's too vague. [long pause] Erratic. Darkly erratic. [laughs awkwardly] That's my mood.
Meredith: Cake?...You seem a little down.
Robert: I am. [laughs] I'm a mess.
Meredith: How about I fix you some warm milk with some bourbon?
Robert: Oh, that sounds nice.
Meredith: Maybe watch a movie...under a blanket...
Robert: Lovely. Wait, where is this taking place?
Meredith: The Murphy bed of my basement.
Robert: What...is happening to me? [pause] The lines in your haggard face are paths that lead nowhere. Your hair is the fire of hell. [hugs Meredith] I sincerely hope you find a sexual partner tonight.
Andy: It's come to my attention that someone, who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.
Jim: Cathy wants to leave our clump?
Andy: Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.
Dwight: Hey. Enjoy your new clump.
Kathy: Thanks.
Dwight: It's so much closer to the bathroom, right?
Kathy: Yeah.
Dwight: Uh huh.
Jim: Sorry it didn't work out. Hope you find what you're looking for.
Kathy: No, I just have more room.
Jim: That's ok.
Dwight: You'll be fine over there.
Erin: [talking loudly] Sorry guys, Jim! This package came for you, do you want me to put it on your desk?
Jim: That'd be great, thank you. [Erin throws package, it hits Kathy. She thinks it was Jim who threw it]
Dwight: So, I got this bucket from Jim's garage and I filled it with everything disgusting. Except excrement. I can't wait to see the look on his face when that falls on my face. [laughs, then camera shows bucket being dumped on Kathy] Dammit Kathy!
Andy: For the past month, I have been collecting wishes from everyone in the office, and I intend to make good on every single one of them.
Andy: Oh, I see.
Andy: Now look, I may not have a great laugh like Santa, or a flying sled. But tell you what I do have. A Prius, a heart of freaking gold...
Kevin: This.
Andy: Alright, you got it.
Andy: ...and an American Express green card.
Andy: Ryan, for your holiday wish, you wanted ten sick days.
Ryan: I'd be satisfied with eight.
Andy: Well I'll do you one better.
Ryan: Nine?
Andy: I got you health insurance.
Ryan: Oh, neat.
Andy: Yeah! Right? But with great perks come great responsibility, so I'm gonna be expecting a lot more from you...no more zoning out in your office.
Ryan: Oh, great.
Andy: Yes!


Kevin: Oh yeah!
All: Aw!
Dwight: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
Oscar: You really have to say 'oh yeah' every time you eat a candy bar?
Kevin: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. [takes another bite] Oh yeah!
Jim: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.
Andy: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Dwight: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane.
Jim: Okay, done.
Erin: [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Darryl: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... [overlapping chatter]
Jim: All right, here we go! Everybody get read in three, two, good luck, one-
Andy: [writing on board] Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper?
Jim: You can write a book about chairs.
Andy: Books! Excellent, Jim.
Oscar: Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper-
Andy: [gasps] Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? [scattered applause]
Jim: Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is.
Andy: I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!
Angela: Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?
Andy: Yes!
Andy: Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage.
Dwight: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute for Robert California!
Receptionist: Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all?
Dwight: I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine.
Receptionist: Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat.
Gabe: Dwight? What are you doing here?
Dwight: Gabe? You don't know?
Gabe: Course I know.
Dwight: Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office.
Gabe: Corporate says to me, 'Gabe, we need you in Scranton.' Scranton says, 'Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there.' So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying.
Robert: Dwight.
Dwight: Robert.
Robert: You made it.
Dwight: Yes.
Robert: Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. [Gabe laughs] Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly.
Dwight: Very good.
Andy: Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to 'play ball.' Those were his words.
Oscar: Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error!
Andy: So make that error!
Oscar: Andy, no-
Kevin: Hey! I can make that error.
Oscar: [clicks tongue] Aw...
Andy: Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that.
Kevin: No, I-
Andy: It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. [to Oscar] What do you say?
Oscar: I'm leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia.
Andy: Oh.
Oscar: Any other crunch time, I would love to stay in, cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO, but tonight is Triviocalypse!
Andy: What?
Oscar: It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my friends, they're committed to me.
Andy: You know what? Go. Have fun.
Andy: There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.
Jim: Stop right there. I love it.
Darryl: I'm in.
Andy: I didn't even say what it is.
Darryl: It's trivia.
Jim: In Philadelphia.
Andy: But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase...
Jim: That's a great idea.
Darryl: That's a great plan.
Andy: Yeah? You like it?
Jim: Yeah.
Andy: All right.
Jim: All right, good stuff.
Andy: I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, 'this sounds really stupid.'
Darryl: You just made a good idea, a great idea.
Andy: There is one problem with this plan.
Darryl: What?
Andy: We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this.
Gabe: [on the phone] You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. [hangs up]
Dwight: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight: Meat grinder.
Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.
Robert: Dwight. Today is not my day at all, I'm afraid. I'm not going to be able to meet with you, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO.
Dwight: But I can give you this pitch in one minute-
Robert: No, he's going to meet with you later. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay? Trust me. Meet with Bill. He's a great person to know. I'll dialogue with him tonight. [leaves]
Gabe: CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes.
Dwight: Still an important position. Still a chief.
Gabe: You're really going to like Bill. He, uh, he has me toilet a lot of people for him. [Dwight sighs, Gabe's phone rings] Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking.
Robert: Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard.
Gabe: Your wish is my command.
Robert: It's a command.
Oscar: I don't believe this. What are you doing here, Andy?
Andy: You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you.
Oscar: What? No!
Andy: I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it.
Oscar: And you guys thought this was a good idea?
Jim: I thought it was a fun idea.
Darryl: There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always going to- this is a gay bar.
Andy: Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay?
Oscar: Yes! It's a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now?
All: No. Nah.
Oscar: What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? [laughs]
Andy: It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. [Oscar's friend walks up] Not anything.
Oscar: Good luck.
Andy: Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves.
Meredith: Good-timers follow me.
Phyllis: Backups. [Jim goes to join the backups]
Stanley: Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here.
Andy: A-team.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... [looks at Kevin, who has joined the A-team]
Kevin: Okay. [leaves]
Jim: There's a table over here.
Host: All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital?
Andy: Oh, we got this!
Creed: Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?
Stanley: Atlanta.
Phyllis: Oh I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held.
Cathy: My cousins were actually at those Olympics.
Stanley: Keep talking all you want.
Kevin: How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about?
Erin: Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness.
Host: Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. 'Atlanta, Georgia' is the correct answer. [Kevin holds up 'What is...SEE-attle']
Gabe: Hey man, uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire, so your appointment got-
Dwight: [sniffs] There's no fires within eight miles of here.
Gabe: Well, it's nine miles away. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf.
Dwight: What? No, no. Excuse me! Lady! Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant!
Receptionist: This must be very frustrating.
Gabe: I can see you in the jungle now.
Host: Okay, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you?
Andy: Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine.
Jim: Shawn Marion.
Darryl: Yes, Shawn Marion.
Ryan: That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington.
Jim: Wrong, for so many reasons.
Phyllis: Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?
Stanley: That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river.
Kevin: Ron Artest, Kelly.
Kelly: No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar.
Host: All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. 'Lamar Odom' is what we were looking for. 'Lamar Odom' Thank you. [scattered cheers]
Jim: Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes.
Kevin: Nicely done!
Andy: You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen.
Darryl: Chill, man. This plan is airtight.
Dwight: So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it!
Receptionist: Well, you got my vote.
Dwight: Oh my God.
Gabe: I know.
Dwight: Most of all, I believe that character is destiny. And my character is one that- wait why are you smiling?
Gabe: What?
Dwight: What's with the smile?
Gabe: You're doing great. You know, so good.
Dwight: And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon, behind us.
Gabe: Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand. Flush! [Gabe makes a flushing motion, Dwight twists Gabe's arm] Ow!
Dwight: Take me to Robert.
Gabe: Ow! He went home.
Dwight: Take me to his house.
Gabe: Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing.
Dwight: You know where it is. Lead me there.
Gabe: Ow! Ow! Stephanie, help!
Dwight: Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.
Host: Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder-Mifflin A-team? Excuse me, sir?
Ryan: Yeah?
Host: I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... [laughter] but you can't check smart phones during trivia, it's against the rules.
Ryan: Okay, I'm turning it off.
Host: Okay, you're not turning it off.
Ryan: I won't look at it.
Host: Sir?
Ryan: I can't- I can't not touch it.
Host: Okay, then we're going to have to take it away. [employee takes the phone] Thank you.
Ryan: Look, I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone. [leaves]
Host: All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. [Oscar's team touches fingers] The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. [a team of hairy men growl] Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points.
Jim: [claps] All right.
Host: D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. [the 'just-for-fun' Dunder-Mifflin team cheers] Ladies Gaga have five points. [more cheering]
Andy: So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no.
Dwight: Which one is it?
Gabe: I don't know. All I know is the building.
Dwight: Robert! Robert California! Robert!
Robert: Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102.
Host: All right guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait. Except for the Einsteins. That's all right. Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round. So let's get everyone some bells. In third place we have the Einsteins.
Kevin: Oh yeah!
Kelly: What! [cheers]
Host: In second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears.
Queerenstein Bears: Whoo! Let's go!
Host: And, in first place, is Aesop's Foibles.
Oscar's friend: Whoo!
Darryl: Yeah, we're going to get clobbered.
Host: Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- [Erin rings bell] Einsteins?
Meredith: What?
Erin: What is it?
Meredith: What?
Erin: I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl. [Oscar rings bell]
Host: Aesop's?
Oscar: Salman Rushdie.
Host: Salman Rushdie is correct. [applause] Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? [Erin rings bell]
Meredith: Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless-
Erin: Flying jib.
Host: Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause]
Robert: Shalom. [sighs] Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. [grunt] I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. [slaps the mat, they wrestle]
Stu: Grab my knee!
Gabe: Yay Robert!
Robert: Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.
Host: According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents.
Oscar's friend: [rings bell] Boom! ADHD!
Host: No. [another bell rings]
Meredith: Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!
Host: That's correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause]
Andy: [dances] Whoo! Yeah!
Host: Sir-
Andy: Go Einsteins!
Host: Dial it back, this isn't Tail Feathers, okay? [laughter]
Robert: They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?
Dwight: No thank you.
Robert: Sit down, Dwight.
Dwight: Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, 'table for one?' How is this possible?
Robert: You were dining alone? All those people are you?
Dwight: Yes, exactly. Riddle number two: Who is going-
Robert: Ah-ah-ah- your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?
Dwight: N... it's complicated.
Robert: [holds a medal to the light] This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? [holds out medal]
Dwight: It's a job interview, not a flea market.
Robert: Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place.
Dwight: Yes.
Host: Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body.
Andy: Oh, come on!
Host: The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? [bell rings]
Kevin: Three hundred pounds!
Host: Point for the Einsteins. [applause] Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.
Oscar: [rings bell, answers in French] Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon.
Oscar's friend: Yes!
Host: I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.
Kevin: [rings bell] Les Jolies Choses.
Meredith: Are you sure?
Kevin: Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.
Host: The Einsteins win it! [applause]
Oscar: No! Come on!
Kevin: Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.
Stonewall Host: Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars!
Kevin: Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.
Stonewall Host: Riboflavin.
Kevin: [holds up 'Robitussin'] Riboflavin?
Stonewall Host: Michigan. [Kevin holds up 'A Mitten'] The President of the United States is 'P.O.T.U.S.' [Kevin holds up 'P.O.T.A.T.O.'] John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. [Kevin holds up 'The California Raisins']
Kelly: Cause it's like, really...
Andy: Einsteins! Great work.
Kevin: Thank you.
Andy: You know what I thought would be fun? Is we do like uh, a switch-em-up maybe? Since only one of us needs to win, maybe I can get Kevin and Kelly and put together an all-star team?
Oscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Andy, there is no switching teams.
Kevin: Andy, we're fine. We don't wanna switch. We're already like, the perfect unit.
Andy: Alright. Well just stay focused, try to concentrate.
Meredith: Whoo! Brought some brain food.
Erin: Yeah!
Kelly: Having fun.
Meredith & Kelly: One, two, three...[team takes shots]
Kevin: When I dropped out of school to watch more sports, a lot of people thought that I was nuts. Well who's laughing now?
Announcer: Say 'Shalom' to your shrubs on this Jewish holiday that celebrates the new year for trees.
Kelly: Tu Bishvat!
Announcer: That's correct.
Einsteins: Whoo!
Announcer: Point for the Einsteins.
Kelly: Hey, is it true that you're not allowed to spend time with your girlfriend during the month of Tu Bishvat?
Announcer: Uh, I don't think so.
Kelly: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Ryan lies to me and says he has a whole Jewish holiday for an entire month...
Oscar: It gets better, kids. It gets so much better that one day, your stupid coworkers will be excited to show up at your gay bar and ruin your trivia night.
Andy: Alright, if you're not going to help us out by buying our own paper, could you sell eight hundred dollars more paper than usual today? That would be amazing.
Jim: Andy, it's the last day of the quarter. We've already called all our clients, so making that much in a day is going to be tough.
Andy: Not helping, tuna.
Stanley: Yeah, I'm sitting on twenty-five hundred in sales I can make at any time but those are my wait till the separation is legal sales.
Andy: We gotta figure this out. Think of the look on Robert's face when we tell him we met our 8% goal.
Kevin: Oh, will we get to see that look?
Andy: No, that's why...that's why I said think of it.
Jim: Andy, we're gonna do our best. But you know what? At the end of the day seven point...whatever percent is pretty good.
Group: Yeah.
Angela: Yeah, it is, Andy.
Andy: Have I mentioned that it's also quite good for amateur animation? [flips crude animation of stick figures representing him and Robert] Took me two weeks.


Dwight: Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs]
Jim: It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird.
Dwight: Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs]
Stanley: You've been meatballed! [laughs]
Dwight: Ugh.
Stanley: Are you ready for some meatball?
Dwight: Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim.
Jim: I know.
Stanley: Look for your stapler!
Dwight: [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny.
Stanley: [to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight's car] What's the haul?
Dwight: Thirty-two meatballs.
Stanley: Good day.
Dwight: That idiot's been feeding us for a week.
Stanley: We'll never have to buy meatballs again.
Erin: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear.
Erin: I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.
Erin: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay.
Andy: Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom.
Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...
Jim: [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.
Oscar: Oh, who needs a house that size?
Dwight: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.
Robert: I'm selling the house, actually.
Jim: You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent.
Robert: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?
Jim: I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke.
Robert: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?
Jim: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing.
Robert: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it.
Andy: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.
Robert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.
Andy: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.
Kevin: Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs]
Oscar: Kevin, no.
Robert: What, as some sort of last hoorah?
Kevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.
Robert: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.
Kevin: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?
Oscar: That was you, Kevin.
Kevin: It was me.
Meredith: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift.
Erin: Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever.
Meredith: It's no problem. You live right near me.
Erin: How do you know where I live?
Meredith: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.
Erin: Why?
Meredith: He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.
Erin: Oh. Come on.
Erin: Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks]
Angela: [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm.
Cathy: It's almost too warm.
Gabe: I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half.
Ryan: Oh, so close. Eighty-one.
Gabe: [to Cathy] Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret.
Cathy: [to Jim] Hey, late guy.
Jim: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.
Andy: Oh.
Jim: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.
Jim: You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine.
Jim: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way.
Robert: You should see the whole thing.
Jim: I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you.
Robert: I'm just about to give the tour.
Jim: All right-
Robert: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.
Jim: I must...
Jessica: [looks at pool] Wow.
Andy: [hides ring] Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage.
Jessica: [sees Andy's hand in his pocket] What are you doing?
Andy: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh]
Jessica: Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?
Andy: No, I'm good.
Erin: [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.
Andy: Hi.
Erin: How is everything? How's your car?
Andy: It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.
Erin: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?
Andy: Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.
Erin: Oh, like a goodbye trip.
Andy: No. What?
Jessica: Hey.
Erin: Hi.
Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.
Darryl: Val. You made it.
Val: Yup, yup.
Darryl: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that?
Val: You know, you are just as dumb at night.
Darryl: Mmm. [they clink cups]
Andy: All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath.
Jessica: No, show me.
Andy: Okay.
Jessica: Dive in right here.
Andy: In a minute. In a minute.
Jessica: Okay. You don't know what you're doing.
Andy: A minute would be cool.
Erin: Hey, Dwight Snoot.
Dwight: What-
Erin: What you doing?
Dwight: I'm relaxing. Scram. [pushes her]
Erin: Ow.
Andy: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?
Stanley: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them.
Andy: Where... [finds pants, looks for ring]
Erin: Come on, don't you want to play?
Dwight: Oh really?
Erin: Yeah.
Dwight: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams]
Kevin: Whoa.
Angela: Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!
Robert: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.
Oscar: [sees wine collection] Holy cow!
Robert: Wine collection.
Oscar: How many bottles? Three hundred?
Robert: [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers.
Oscar: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.
Toby: Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau.
Ryan: Robert, you are too kind.
Robert: Oh.
Gabe: Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.
Ryan: With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me.
Gabe: And Gabe-y makes three.
Jim: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical.
Robert: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it.
Jim: Really? Why?
Robert: I don't know. Maybe not. Just come.
Erin: [Dwight dunks her] Oh!
Dwight: [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?
Erin: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.
Dwight: I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up]
Erin: [giggles] Oh Dwight!
Erin: [giggles] Stop.
Dwight: You stop.
Erin: No, you stop.
Dwight: No, you stop.
Erin: [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop.
Dwight: Okay, you can stop.
Erin: No, no, no, he's not looking.
Dwight: No, you can stop.
Erin: You can actually stop.
Kelly: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this?
Meredith: The main stone's missing.
Kelly: I don't know. It looks pretty great to me.
Robert: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan.
Jim: Good night.
Oscar: [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen!
All: To the kitchen!
Robert: To the kitchen. Onward!
Oscar: Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?
Toby: Note? It's a symphony.
Oscar: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club.
Toby: I would love that.
Toby: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?
Darryl: [to Val] You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it.
Meredith: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice.
Val: You in?
Darryl: Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in.
Darryl: I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.
Dwight: [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah...
Erin: Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end.
Dwight: Damn it.
Erin: What is the most romantic possible thing?
Dwight: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Erin: Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you.
Both: Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool]
Angela: You're in my way!
Erin: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all.
Dwight: Chicken fight!
Andy: No thanks.
Erin: Dang it! What the heck already?
Dwight: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight!
Cathy: Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?
Kevin: I'm right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.
Dwight: Yeah- oh!
Erin: [knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders] Yes! Woo!
Dwight: Woohoo! Yes!
Erin: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.
Dwight: I know. I could just bang you right now.
Erin: He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey!
Robert: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.
Jim: To both these bears.
Ryan: To both these bears.
Toby: Bears.
Oscar: To both these bears.
Robert: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond.
Ryan: I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema.
Gabe: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.
Andy: Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found.
Kelly: Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it.
Andy: I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?
Kelly: Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about?
Andy: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?
Phyllis: Oh, I don't think you're being silly.
Kelly: Oh God. [takes off ring]
Andy: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.
Phyllis: [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it.
Jessica: [to Andy] Come on. Let's chicken fight those two.
Val: [comes up from under water] How was that?
Kevin: Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand]
Darryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.
Val: No, I'm good. Thank you.
Darryl: Cool.
Val: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim?
Kevin: That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.
Jessica: [knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders] Yes!
Andy: Yeah!
Dwight: [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break.
Erin: Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what.
Dwight: Okay.
Erin: One more?
Andy: Yeah!
Jessica: Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap]
Erin: Mush, mush, mush! Come on!
Dwight: Go!
Erin: Go! Okay. Yeah.
Jessica: Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes!
Andy: Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa!
Kevin: Wow!
Andy: I cannot believe you're still up!
Jessica: I cannot believe it either.
Erin: I've got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks]
Andy: [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-
Dwight: [coughs up water] Erin, did we win?
Erin: Sure. Sure we did.
Dwight: You're lying. We didn't win.
Erin: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest.
Kelly: You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat]
Angela: We're in the pool!
Meredith: Shut it, Angela.
Dwight: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday.
Andy: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday.
Dwight: I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation.
Andy: Mmm.
Dwight: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin.
Andy: Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.
Dwight: Not what I asked.
Andy: We're done. Erin and I are over.
Dwight: So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex.
Andy: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.
Dwight: [sighs] You're an idiot.
Kevin: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles]
Erin: Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Kevin: No!
Val: Oh I've got him!
Darryl: Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let's do this!
Andy: [Erin swims up with ring] Wow.
Erin: So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours.
Andy: Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?
Erin: The Bernard family seal. Duh.
Andy: Duh.
Erin: Sorry if your special night was ruined.
Andy: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night.
Erin: Oh, you weren't going to do that?
Andy: Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you.
Erin: Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.
Robert: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.
Jim: To madness.
Ryan: To madness.
Toby: To madness. [Robert laughs]
Meredith: To madness.
Jim: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?
Meredith: Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.
Jim: Are you serious?
Ryan: Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man.
Gabe: And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like.
Oscar: [Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine!
Toby: And I am Bacchus's friend!
Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him]
All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!
Jim: And there's my talking point.
Robert: Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going.
Ryan: Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave.
Gabe: So leave.
Ryan: Two pools. A divider. A bridge. Good choice. It says everything about everything, right Robert?
Kathy: What's the water like?
Darryl: Nice.
Angela: Oh, it is warm.
Phyllis: Robert's house is, well...I don't mean to sound offensive, but it's like where a basketball player would live.
Erin: Oh, Dwight.
Dwight: Uh huh.
Erin: That feels so good!
Dwight: Yeah...baby.
Erin: [grunting] Hey, Andy.
Andy: Hey.
Erin: Dwight gives the best back massages.
Andy: Yeah, it sounds like it.
Dwight: Hey, have you ever been checked for scoliosis?
Erin: I don't know, why don't you check me Dr. Shrute. [laughing]
Dwight: No, seriously. Your spine is jacked. It's like the devil's cursive.
Erin: You mean more like dangerous curves...
Dwight: You'd be like 8 feet tall if this thing was straightened out...[pushes Erin back to floor]
Erin: Ow!
Erin: You date a guy, you find out he was engaged to your coworker so you throw cake at him. It's over. You start liking him again so you ask him out with a puppet show. He says no. Then he follows you home to make sure that you don't kiss somebody. Then he ignores you at a pool party? Am I right ladies?
Dwight: [Erin helps Dwight stretch his inner thighs] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oooooh, yeah.
Jessica: You guys ready?
Andy: Bring it on guys.
Dwight: Yeah...
Andy: Let's go before I vomit. [Erin and Dwight enter pool]
Dwight: Ready?
Erin: I'm ready.
Jessica: Whoo!
Andy: Alright! Here we go.
Erin: Ok.
Dwight: RAHHH!!!!!!!
Jessica: Yeah, come on!
Dwight: Get her! Ruin her! [Andy and Jessica beat Dwight and Erin]
Andy: Hey! High-five!
Jessica: Yeah!
Jessica: My brother and I were the chicken fight champions of our swim club growing up. I mean, we beat the Strauss twins. Ok, I guess somebody didn't grow up in west Hartford, Connecticut.
Robert: This room I liked for the view. I dreamed that I would watch my guests walk to their cars at dawn, their faces flushed with the shame and regret for the choices they made the night before. [laughs]
Ryan: I get that.
Gabe: Beautiful sentiment.
Jim: To the shame room! [raises bottle]
Gabe: [Robert laughs] I live in this room.
Oscar: [Toby and Oscar swig from wine bottles] Oh, Mineral-ey.
Toby: Mineral-ey.