Dwight: [lights and power go off] Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. [Turns On Flashlight and holds it to his face] Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Michael: [as the power and lights come back on] My Bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet.
Jim: Uh, it's saying the server went down? Does Anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise we can't do any work.
Michael: Uh... try 'password'.
Jim: Nope.
Dwight: Try zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, zero.
Jim: No.
Dwight: Okay, now try Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, one.
Jim: Okay, I'm not doing every number.
Pam: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?
Michael: Uh... it was like eight years ago?
Pam: Lord of the Ring stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time.
Erin: Um, everyone was getting their driver's license.
Jim: Why don't we just call the I.T. Guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in Glasses, again?
Michael: Okay, moving backwards, our I.T. Guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.
Andy: I got it, try, um-[Coughs]
Michael: You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it, but Pam got really offended.
Kevin: Big Boobs.
Meridith: Drama Queen?
Angela: Nosy?
Pam: You're typing 'Big Boobs'?
Jim: I'm trying everything.
Dwight: Try 'Big Boobs' with a 'Z'.
Jim: That's- [ding] the password. We're in.
Dwight: All Right
Kevin: Wow.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: The important thing is... this kept us secure people.
Michael: Morning.
Ryan: How's It Going?
Ryan: Hey, I'm WUPHF.
Michael: [wearing Ryan's glasses] I'm Facebook.
Ryan: What's up Facebook?
Michael: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back.
Ryan: You should've sent me a WUPHF.
Michael: A what?
Ryan: [pulls out Blackberry] When you send a WUPHF, it goes to your home phone, Email, Facebook, Twitter and homescreen. All at the same time. [phone rings, computer chimes, printer starts up]
Robotic Voice: WUPHF.
Ryan and Michael: WUPHF!
Michael: Dot com!
Ryan: [getting copies from the color copier behind the receptionist desk] Thanks Erin.
Erin: Sure.
Erin: Pam.
Pam: Mm-Hmm?
Erin: I don't wanna be a lousy snitch.
Pam: Okay.
Erin: Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot, and as Office Administrator-
Pam: Oh, it's okay.
Erin: But it's not for-
Pam: Let it go.
Pam: Yes, I invested in WUPHF. It's actually a great idea and I can't believe it didn't exist before. And I know Ryan's kind of a sketchy guy, but hey, I married Jim. I've done my part for the nice guy. Now I want a bedroom set.
Michael: I think an investor's ski trip is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience.
Ryan: I love it.
Michael: I was looking at a trail map, and I was thinking that we should start on a bunny hill, because I've never actually been skiing. And then work our way up to death drop.
Ryan: Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company.
Michael: Your kidding?!
Ryan: We could sell, but why think so small? We can just get a couple more people involved, really do this thing our way.
Michael: You and me.
Ryan: New Investors are key, though. That's actually why I came in today.
Michael: Don't you work here full-time?
Ryan: [chuckles] Today, I was thinking I would sit down with a few of the people who haven't invested yet.
Michael: Mm-Hmm.
Ryan: Or we could do that together, if that sounds fun to you.
Michael: That does sound fun to me.
Ryan: Awesome.
Dwight: [out in the parking lot with a guy unloading hay bales while Dwight sifts through the hay] Ah, this is good hay. Yeah. This is the good stuff, mattress quality.
Dwight: Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it 'Hay Place'. Eldred Called it 'Hay World'. Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on! [guy comes and sticks a Bale of Hay right behing Dwight and knocks it into Dwight] Watch it, watch it.
Dwight: Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.
Guy: Don't forget to make a broom.
Dwight: Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!
Angela: Hey, I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay.
Dwight: Roll in the hay, five dollars.
Angela: No, I meant... [motions you and me]
Dwight: Oh, our contract.
Angela: Mm-Hmm.
Dwight: Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot. [looks at his watch] Uh... I've got a half an hour during lunch in-between the historical reenactment of the dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil.
Angela: Perfect!
Dwight: So, uh... [notices a kid walking on a bale of hay] Excuse me, get off of there! Those are show bales, not play bales.
Jim: [on phone] All right, Thank you, I will-I will send the contracts over right away. All Right. [hangs up the phone and rubs his eyes] Whoo! [Erin jumps in the background]
Jim: I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest-if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything. [laughs]
Kevin: Commission comes out to... dunh-duh-na-dah! Zero.
Jim: Mm-Kay, Well, it can't be zero, Kev.
Kevin: I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said, 'dunh-duh-na-dah!' I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.
Angela: You met your commission cap last week. So from here until the end of the fiscal year, your commission will be zero.
Jim: What are you talking about? We-we have a commission cap?
Angela: It's a new corporate policy.
Kevin: Dunh-duh-na-dah!
Gabe: Is this job really about the money for you, Jim? I mean, isn't this where you fell in love?
Jim: A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell. So you realize I now have no reason to work, right?
Gabe: When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room. Okay, seeing these old guys walking around naked feels almost passive-aggressive. But I deal with it. 'Cause it's policy. See what I mean?
Jim: Nope.
Gabe: Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
Jim: Okay.
Gabe: My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it, and I just-[put's his hands cupped by his face and turns away] keep a low-you know, I look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.
Michael: Excuse me, everyone... SEX! Now that I have your attention...
Stanley: You don't have our attention.
Michael: MONEY!
Stanley: I'm listening.
Kevin: You had me at 'Sex.'
Michael: Pervert.
Phyllis: You have all of our attention just by screaming anything.
Michael: That's good to know. [screams]
Pam: What do you want to say, Michael?
Michael: Wuphf! All right, I've warmed them up for you. You have the floor, Ryan.
Ryan: How's everybody doing?!
Michael: Whoo!
Ryan: Good! Now, a lot of you have already staked out your corner of the WUPHF empire. Raise your hand if I'm describing you. [Michael, Pam, Daryl, and Stanley raise their hands]
Stanley: Yes, I have a dream. And It's not some M.L.K. Dream for Equality. I want to own a decommissioned Lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and it'll launch that lighthouse into space.
Ryan: For my current investors, things are going great.
Michael: We already have a buyer.
Pam: Really?! Who?!
Ryan: Washington University. I don't even want to think about selling until our numbers get into the billions.
Michael: At least.
Ryan: So I've decided to open up a second round of investment to friends and family.
Phyliss: Oh, God. Hold on to your wallets, ladies.
Oscar: Did you ever think of WUPHF as an emergency notification system, like, for college campuses with shooters or gas leaks?
Ryan: No, no-Oscar, it's not-it's not a digital rape whistle. WUPHF is about fun.
Michael: That's right!
Ryan: Fun, communication, connection.
Oscar: What's your money situation?
Ryan: Well, it's tight, as with any start-up.
Oscar: Sure, how long can you sustain this without a cash infusion?
Ryan: We have nine solid days. I love these questions. Keep 'em coming.
Andy: I'm sorry, nine days until what?
Oscar: Bankruptcy?
Michael: Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend?
Oscar: How long do you think a week is?
Michael: No, not this weekend; next weekend. We were gonna go on the investors ski trip. I bought poles.
Jim: Well, since I have no incentive to sell, I've cleaned my car, organized my desk, and taken a multivitamin. So... what now?
Jim: Pam. Okay, now I've tried everything.
Pam: Did you prank Dwight?
Jim: No.
Pam: Well, you like that.
Jim: Yeah, it's not as fun if I'm not blowing off work.
Pam: I love you, but I'm kinda busy. So I need you to figure this one out on your own.
Jim: [blows a raspberry, Erin looks shocked, Kevin chuckles]
Pam: Oscar said WUPHF only has enough money for nine days.
Ryan: [colorful poster with numbers] Check this out.
Erin: All that color.
Michael: Look at that. Triple your investment by January.
Andy: Anyone can just throw numbes up on a chart. What are you doing to make it happen?
Ryan: Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend.
Michael: There you go.
Andy: You have his email?
Ryan: A lot of these guys are just Mac.com, @ their website, whatever. We get that guy WUPHFing, it's all over.
Stanley: I want my money back.
Michael: Do not talk like that, Stanley.
Pam: Ryan, just tell us your plan.
Ryan: Okay, all right. I know what you wanna see. I'll be right back.
Dwight: [hits the back of a Dunder-Mifflin Delivery Truck with his hand] Hey kids, was that fun?
Kids: Yeah!
Dwight: All Right!
Kid: I wanna go on it again.
Dwight: Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks. [kid gives him three more bucks]
Dwight: Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing... and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose.
Angela: [waiting for Dwight at their meeting place, slams the door shut]
Angela: Where have you been?! I've been waiting.
Dwight: Uh, can we move this to the end of the day?
Angela: No, I-I think you should make time for it.
Little Girl: I found the needle in the haystack!
Dwight: Hey, congratulations! Do you know what your prize is?
Little Girl: I don't know!
Dwight: Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.
Angela: Dwight?
Ryan: WUPHF T-Shirts. Who wants one? Just imagine that you're at spring break, Daytona Beach.
Michael: Here we go.
Ryan: Everyone's like, 'Hey Dude, whats up with all the hotties in the WUPHF shirts?' Or, Uh, 'Hey, what's up with that helicopter? It's Ry from WUPHF!'
Michael: It's Ryan the WUPHF guy!'
Ryan: Yo, Ry from WUPHF!'
Michael: He's up there.'
Ryan: What's he dropping?! Wow, what's falling on us, man?!' WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky!
Michael: Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!
Daryl: Look, this is a marketing campgain. You got nine days. Let's say you do get the money. What are you going to do with it?
Ryan: The first lesson of Silicon Valley, actually, is that you only think about the user, the experience. You actually don't think about the money. Ever.
Andy: That sounds weird.
Michael: No, it's not weird, Andy, and you know what else? We have an offer from Washington University. So monetize that.
Kelly: [walks in] Are you guys meeting about WUPHF? You know that that was my idea, right?
Kelly: I said to Ryan, 'I try to call you, and you don't have your phone. I try to I.M. You, and you're not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, 'Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!''
Ryan: Baby, Baby, Baby-
Kelly: I think I'm gonna stay here.
Ryan: No, no, no, no, no.
Kelly: I do, I do. This isn't right.
Ryan: I help you with your things and you help me with my things.
Kelly: But I-it's not right.
Ryan: [whispering] I got this, it's okay. Don't worry about this.
Daryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Daryl: W.U.P.H.F.
Pam: Oh, God!
Daryl: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan: The domain name. Yeah, they do.
Pam: I move we sell!
Micheal: What?
Daryl: Yeah, sell!
Andy: Yeah, sell.
Pam: Sell.
Stanley: Get us out of this!
Ryan: Have some faith in this idea!
Daryl: If everybody wants to sell, we sell, right?
Michael: I won't sell. And you know what? Ryan and I have the majority of shares. Isn't that right?
Ryan: Yes. You alone do, actually.
Michael: I-yes. We're not selling. I will not sell.
Kevin: [runs to and inside the Hay Place maze] Awesome!
Man: Do you mind if we share this bale?
Angela: Sure.
Man: There's no charge to sit on the hay, is there?
Angela: Probably.
Man: I mean, wouldn't you think the ten dollars to build your own broom would include the hay and not just the instructions?
Angela: Mm-Hmm.
Man: I mean, I'm starting to think this guy is just trying to make money off the holiday.
Angela: Yeah, instead of Hay Place, it should be pay place. [man laughs] Don't laugh at me.
Man: No, no, no, I wasn't-I was just laughing at your joke.
Angela: Oh.
Man: Pay Place.
Angela: Mm. Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-Me-Your-Money Day. [both laugh]
Man: That's humorous.
Angela: Thank You.
Kevin: [stuck in the maze, says to some kids running around in the maze] You guys know how to get out? [kids run away screaming]
Pam: Hi, Michael.
Michael: Can't talk, saving the planet.
Pam: Oh, we don't recycle.
Michael: We Don't? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?
Pam: I'm sure no one asked you to do that.
Michael: [throws the sack of garbage onto the floor] Eight Years.
Pam: Listen, I know you really like Ryan-
Michael: No, I won't even consider it.
Pam: Michael, I... [sits down] I hate to say this, but... you know this special bond that you've always felt with Ryan, where, like, you're best friends or you're his mentor or something?
Michael: Right, Yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor.
Pam: Michael, I think that feeling only goes one way. And I think that Ryan knows that, and he's taking advantage of you.
Michael: I think you are wrong.
Pam: And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about.
Michael: You may be right. I may be crazy.
Pam: Don't.
Michael: I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point.
Pam: Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing.
Michael: I thought it might make me feel better.
Pam: Okay. Go Ahead.
Michael: [singing] But it just may be a lunatic... [stops singing] No.
Jim: [hovering over Meredith's desk] Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.
Meridith: Hey, back off. It's Solitare.
Creed: Hey, kid-hear you're looking for work.
Jim: Talk to me.
Creed: How far can you reach those Lovely long arms of yours? [Jim reaching his arms out as far as he can go] Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours? [Jim inhales] Good.
Gabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?
Creed: We're working. [Jim still holding his breath]
Gabe: Can you at least
Jim: [listening to and editing Jo's book on tape]
Jo: The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled her aside and said, 'You're Too Fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.' The next time I saw David Geffen was at the buffalo club. 'I love you, you Gay Bastard,' I said. 'You Gay Bastard,' I s-. 'Gay Ba-' 'Gay B-''
Ryan: Michael, how's it going, bro?
Michael: Good, good, bro.
Ryan: Hey, thanks so much for having my back out there.
Michael: Always have your back. So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?
Ryan: I have nothing but ideas. The thing is, they all require money.
Michael: Nine days, though. That's, like...
Ryan: Look, I know I've tapped you so hard.
Michael: Yes, you have tapped this. Hard.
Ryan: [laughs] Oh, you are funny, Michael. You-people, people don't give you enough credit.
Michael: Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.
Ryan: Well, a lot of people are doing that. And there don't seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower.
Michael: So you would think that's a good idea for me to do?
Ryan: Think about this. You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot-
Michael: Mm-Hmm.
Ryan: Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef.
Michael: Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so...
Ryan: We totally should.
Michael: Tonight?
Ryan: I gotta work on this.
Michael: Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check.
Ryan: Yeah. [Michael closes the door]
Dwight: And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's hay king. All in favor of Purebred. [crowd applauds] Put your hands together for... Mixed Bread. [crowd applauds] And let's hear it for... Purebred. [crowd applauds] Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... [all three contestants begging for Dwight to pick them] Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King! [drowd leaves disgusted, as Dwight's worker claps]
Dwight: Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.
Man: So, if I were to call Dunder Mifflin and ask for Miss Angela Martin, would I get through to you?
Angela: You would. And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife, would I get through to you?
Man: My wife passed away a few years ago.
Angela: How tragic. Very sorry to hear that.
Man: Thank You.
Kevin: [still stuck in maze] Help! Hello?! Oh! Help![runs around the maze]
Daryl: [opens the door the Ryan's office, grabs him by the shirt, pulls him out of his chair] Consider it a WUPHF in person. [shoves Ryan down to a chair]
Andy: Your doing the wrong thing. You're gonna lose Michael's investment. You're gonna lose ours.
Daryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back. Tell Mike To Sell.
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they're wrong?
Daryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, We don't believe in you.
Andy: All those in favor of selling, say aye. [all say 'aye']
Michael: I. Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay.
Daryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in High School?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. [all seem to be in agreenment] And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high. And he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I-I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down. [Ryan goes back into his office and shuts the door]
Dwight: Angela? [slides open the door] Angela! [see's a note on the door, reads it, and then crumples it up]
Michael: The world sends people your way... Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. [camera pans to different people in the office] Jim, that guy is an ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my queen. That's easy. Gimme a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam's a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two. But sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out. And I am obviously the joker. So... [phone rings, computer chimes, etc.] That's Uh...
Robotic Voice: WUPHF, from Ryan Howard. Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.
Michael: Thank God.
Jim: [puts his phone in his coffee mug and calls Gabe]
Gabe: Gabe Lewis.
Jo: [Jim's edited version of her book on tape]: Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them.
Gabe: Well, Jo-
Jo: Now, I love reading, and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One. I was born, not into luxary, nor poverty. [Gabe looks through Jo's book] But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My Father was a man. That's all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Stree and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my-
Jim: [opens door to Gabe's office] All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. [Gabe motions that he's on the phone] 'Cause I really think I made good use of my day, oh! Sorry.
Jo: I've always been a fighter. And Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard-


Dwight: [picks up pencil between his toes]
Jim: Why?
Dwight: Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. [attempts to place pencil in pencil sharpener] Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes. [accidentally kicks items from his desk onto Pam's]
Pam: Do you mind?
Dwight: I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter.
Pam: You don't have to do that.
Dwight: [typing with his toes] D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear.
Jim: [whistling, places cup of coffee onto Dwight's desk] Ahh, Thank you hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do.
Dwight: [lifts cup up with toes]
Jim: Oh, don't worry about it. Dwight, its okay. You were wrong.
Dwight: [spills hot coffee on himself] Uhh, aah!
Jim: Well, A for effort right?
Dwight: [taps Jim's hand with his foot]
Hank: Welcome, start your morning right with a burst of blueberry. Or try plain.
Andy: What's the occasion?
Hank: Dwight said this entry was a waste of space.
Andy: I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor.
Hank: Eight dollars.
Andy: Eight dollars?
Dwight: Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.
Michael: [examines items on the reception desk] Mmhmm, China. China.
Erin: How was the dentist?
Michael: It was great. China.
Pam: Are you okay, what's wrong?
Michael: Everything here was made in China, Pam.
Andy: Yeah, its where they make stuff.
Michael: They used to make stuff in America, Andy. But we're falling behind, did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir.
Erin: Oh, no.
Michael: Yeah, right here. It is right there. [holds up magazine] Anybody read the news any more?
Dwight: China is on the move?
Michael: I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read, that's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again.
Michael: My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight.
Darryl: Hey Andy.
Andy: Hey Darryl.
Darryl: You gotta stop texting me so much.
Andy: But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane.
Darryl: You need to change your standard for what's worthy of a text. Ask yourself is this something Darryl needs to know. The answers almost always no.
Andy: Got it. Then I will call you.
Darryl: No.
Darryl: There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. 'I'm coming over baby.' And I would text back 'BTB', bring that booty.
Stanley: Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply?
Dwight: I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.
Pam: Umm, Stanley. Maybe you could just unspool a little more each time you need to...
Stanley: Don't tell me how to do my business.
Dwight: Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner.
Jim: Which is you.
Dwight: Which is you' is not a sentence.
Jim: I disagree with.
Stanley: Are you just gonna sit there, Office Administrator, or are you going to do something?
Pam: Dwight, can we talk about these cutbacks.
Dwight: Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment.
Pam: I'm not going to do that.
Dwight: Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy.
Nate: [on the phone] Y'ello.
Pam: Hi Nate, Its Pam Halpert.
Nate: Oh, hey Pam.
Pam: Hey, I would just love to schedule a meeting today with Dwight.
Nate: Let me put you on hold for just one 'eensy sec.
Pam: Sure.
Dwight: [answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up.
Nate: Hey Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police in connection with a string of dog-nappings that ha...
Pam: [hangs up phone] Dwight. Dwight. Can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with, people he's worked with for years. His friends.
Dwight: You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity. [Kevin smiles]
Erin: Oh my God.
Michael: What?
Erin: According to the internet, the tallest man in the world is Chinese.
Michael: So much for keeping our secrets up high.
Erin: What's America gonna do?
Michael: I know what we're going to do. We're going to put our best minds on it.
Michael: Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower, where forks are irrelevant, and where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes.
Angela: You never told us to close them.
Michael: Welcome to your future.
Phyllis: What do we do? How do we stop this?
Michael: How do we stop it? With a big idea. That's what America is built on, big ideas. Blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Whose got one, whose got a big idea?
Pam: An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon?
Michael: Yes, indeed. Yes Kevin.
Kevin: An antacid that you only take once a week.
Michael: Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes.
Kevin: Michael! An antacid pill that you take once every six weeks.
Stanley: Why not just go one for the year?
Michael: I don't know.
Kevin: It's too big of a pill to swallow.
Michael: Alright.
Erin: What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy, and then we all kill him, but first we take out like a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy. I bet you guys like that idea don't you?
Erin: I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing.
Michael: I don't know what the [expletive] that was.
Dwight: I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve.
Phyllis: Yeah, Dwight's right we should drop a bomb.
Michael: No he's not right. We're not. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are fifty six cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine.
Erin: [gasps]
Oscar: Actually, that's not true. I know the figure you're referring to, and it's a projection of fifteen years from now.
Kevin: Thank God.
Michael: No, no. That is right now.
Oscar: Michael, China's agrarian. Urbanizing fast? You bet 'cha, but still agrarian.
Michael: In terms of land, not population.
Oscar: Come on Michael. You can...
Michael: No, no you're wrong about this.
Oscar: Where are you getting this information?
Michael: I got it from NewYorkTimes.com
Kevin: Uh oh, getting nervous Oscar?
Jim: Okay, someone look it up.
Ryan: I'm on it Jim. I'm on it.
Oscar: Guys its not worth it really. Guys this is not worth our time.
Darryl: [reads text] 'Are you watching this?' Seriously?
Andy: Well are you?
Darryl: I'm sitting right here.
Ryan: Got it. China has fifty six cities with a population of over one million. The US has... nine.
Meredith: Suck it Oscar.
Jim: Well on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael.
Oscar: Great. I was wrong. I'm wrong. Is everyone happy?
Michael: So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? [laughs] I don't care.
Michael: Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar?
Meredith: Wow, so this building can get uglier.
Stanley: I will not work in a roach billboard.
Gabe: Oh my God, I can't look at roaches.
Angela: Michael do something about this.
Michael: Absolutely, Pam this is exactly why I hired you as Office Administrator, handle it. Taking care of business.
Pam: Dwight take it down.
Dwight: [chuckles]
Pam: I'm serious, take it down or else.
Dwight: Or else? Or else what? There's nothing you can do.
Pam: We can move out.
Angela: [lights turn off] Really? [jumps to try and activate motion sensor, Kevin walks through the door setting it off, and the lights come back on]
Pam: So, does anyone wanna know where I've been for the last 2 hours?
Jim: Oh God, I've been playing Zombie Soccer for two hours?
Pam: I went out to look for a better office space.
Dwight: Waste of time.
Pam: Not really, because I found one.
Jim: Oh wow, these are nice.
Pam: Yup.
Dwight: Let me see.
Pam: Look at the huge offices Jim, check out that conference room.
Jim: Yeah, yeah. Totally.
Dwight: You can't just move out.
Pam: Oh in three months we can. Check the lease, and if you don't undo all the changes you've made, we're moving. Hey guys, can I show you some pictures.
Andy: [without looking at the pictures] Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you.
Pam: They're not of Cece.
Andy: Oh, cool.
Pam: This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office.
Phyllis: Well I like being in the same building as Bob. Keeps me honest.
Pam: Well, this building isn't far, and its much newer. There's a dry cleaner, nail place and a gym. Oh, and it's next-door to and Outback so it always smells like steak.
Stanley: Are you trying to kill me?
Kelly: Is the nail place Koreans or whites?
Pam: Koreans.
Kelly: Good. And the dry cleaners?
Pam: White.
Kelly: Good.
Jim: Woah, there is a lot of brainpower in this room. We've got Michael and Oscar, the two smartest guys in the office, also in that order.
Oscar: Funny Jim. That is funny.
Michael: Very comedically humorous Jim.
Kelly: I have a computer question. Hey Oscar?
Oscar: What is it?
Kelly: Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael?
Oscar: Alright. Alright I get it.
Kelly: Michael, how do I create a new tab?
Michael: Try 'Control P'.
Oscar: That's print.
Michael: Not if the printer isn't hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar.
Kelly: Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you.
Oscar: He's... he's not smarter than me, he was just right about one thing.
Kelly: Yeah, but it was a really smart thing to be right about, actually.
Ryan: Actually, it was.
Jim: Around here, Oscar is known as 'actually' because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts, or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.
Darryl: [reading text] Megan Fox. Question mark. What's that mean?
Andy: Megan Fox! Come on!
Darryl: You know what, you're one bad text away from getting blocked.
Andy: Yes, but one good text away from a high five.
Darryl: You accept these terms?
Andy: Oh, its on.
Dwight: In your perfect would, what would make this building awesome? I'm putting together kind of a wish list.
Kevin: Well, I wish for a million wishes.
Dwight: Yeah, no. I'm not a genie. I'm just talking about a...
Kevin: Then see you later building.
Dwight: You can't possibly be serious.
Kevin: I said see you later building.
Oscar: Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey.
Oscar: I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China.
Michael: Mmm.
Oscar: I'd love to talk more about it.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: Maybe over some coffee later?
Michael: Sure.
Jim: Woah, woah, woah. Do you know what you just agreed to?
Michael: Coffee Jim.
Jim: No.
Andy: It is not just coffee.
Jim: He's trying to set you up Michael. What's going to happen is he's going to try and bring up what ever you're talking about in a very casual way, but secretly he'll be trying to trip you up, and when he does, boom, its awful. Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up the Tour de France around him?
Michael: Yes.
Andy: And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small.
Michael: Alright, well I just need to learn everything about China. To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time. Okay, okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary.
Jim: No politics?
Michael: I'm pretty good on politics. 'California is bankrupt, and California, California.' [Jim and Andy follow Michael into his office] What?
Dwight: Parley, my office, five minutes.
Pam: Parley?
Creed: Pirate code, he wants to meet.
Pam: So everyone here knows pirate code?
Creed: I understand it, I can't speak it.
Dwight: Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap.
Pam: You've been watering down the soap?
Dwight: Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?
Pam: We need everything back the way it was.
Dwight: You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping.
Pam: That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. [lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor]
Ryan: Where is Tibet?
Michael: Pass.
Ryan: When was China founded?
Michael: Pass.
Jim: Two for two, keep it up.
Ryan: Who is Mao?
Michael: Lifeline.
Andy: Damn it. Michael, you are moments away from the smack down of your life. If you don't know something, steer the conversation back to something you do know.
Michael: I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs.
Jim: What do you know about boobs?
Andy: Michael, I have to tell you something it's from Rocky II.
Jim: Thank you.
Andy: This guy doesn't just wanna win. Y'know, he want's to bury you. He wants to humiliate you!
Michael: Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take?
Andy: I'm like a quarter of the way through.
Michael: Is it going to be worth it?
Andy: No.
Ryan: Just in case Michael, I made you a cheat sheet.
Michael: I don't need to cheat.
Jim: Show him how to use it.
Nate: [riding in car, looking for new office] Ten thousand seven hundred and six.
Dwight: Here it is, right here, pull over. Oh my God. No way. Man, look at that.
Nate: Yeah.
Dwight: There's no building. This could only mean one thing.
Nate: The building's underground?
Dwight: She was lying. Oh, Pam, Pam...
Dwight & Nate: Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam.
Passer-by: Yeah?
Nate: Pam. Pam?
Dwight: What?
Passer-by: I'm Pam.
Dwight: Oh.
Nate: No you're not.
Dwight: I'm sorry. We have a colleague with the same name.
Passer-by: Oh, that's fine.
Dwight: So, okay. You're not a liar too are you?
Passer-by: I've been known to bend the truth.
Dwight: Damn it, Pam. Get out. Right now. Leave it, I mean it. Get the hell out of here. Go.
Passer-by: Okay.
Dwight: I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam.
Dwight: Hey Pam.
Pam : Yeah?
Dwight: Y'know what, I'm the only one here who you haven't asked about the new office.
Pam: I know, because you're the reason we're moving.
Dwight: Yeah, but I'm still an employee here, and that part of me is really excited about the change of scenery. What's the square footage in the new place?
Pam: Uhh, I think it's something like umm...
Dwight: What's the exact square footage.
Pam: Umm, let me see.
Dwight: How many offices are there? Oh I'll just look at the one sheet myself.
Pam: Oh, actually I don't know what I did with the one sheet. Y'know, that's the problem. You only have one sheet.
Dwight: [chuckles] You're a funny guy Pam. What's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? I'm going to walk down the hall and say 'Wow, I can't believe this is real, but it is.' I can't wait.
Pam: Mmhmm.
Pam: I lied about some aspects of the building.
Jim: It's still on a bike path though right?
Pam: There's no building... it doesn't exist.
Jim: What does that mean?
Pam: I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna...
Jim: What?
Pam: Fail. I don't want to fail... again.
Jim: But you didn't fail.
Pam: And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales.
Jim: And you didn't fail those things either.
Pam: Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?
Jim: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Oscar: Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is that I've been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated.
Michael: Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast?
Oscar: We have missiles too.
Michael: Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon.
Nate: I wasn't here. [places a book in front of Pam]
Pam: What?
Nate: I wasn't here. It's a pretty common saying. You may want to log it away for future use.
Pam: Well thanks.
Nate: Yeah.
Michael: China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us.
Oscar: Actually, we're in a mild recession right now. I'll give you that, but people use China as the boogie man for all their problems. In the nineteen eighties, it was Japan.
Michael: How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?
Oscar: Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy's heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? I'd say that's far more relevant. Wouldn't you?
Michael: Don't... I...
Pam: Hello, hello. You're breaking the law.
Dwight: Impossible, I love the law.
Pam: Read article nineteen. There are suitable standards that you have to maintain the building at that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two, and no more tampering with the toilet paper.
Dwight: I see I've underestimated you, and I didn't think that was possible. Nate, reply the paper.
Nate: I don't think it goes that way.
Dwight: Reply it!
Oscar: Don't worry about the coffee, its on me.
Michael: Yeah, I figured that.
Oscar: Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat.
Michael: Wait. You forgetting something?
Oscar: What?
Michael: This chat. Two men, one white, one latina. A boss and a money cruncher. I could fire you.
Erin: Fire him. No, show mercy.
Michael: Here we are.
Oscar: What's your point.
Michael: My point is... that as long as people like you and me don't stop talking, nobody can stop the USA.
Andy: Yeah. [clapping]
Erin: Right, yes.
Michael: I am talking about freedom, about choice. America, I don't think you need to worry. Because if you want to beat China you will. If you don't, that's fine. That my friend, is your victory. Y'know, a lot of people say if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China, and that may be the true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend. So here is to conversation.
Oscar: That's not.
Michael: Raise your cups on high. Case closed.
Oscar: That wasn't what we were discu... That wasn't the whole...
Dwight: They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion.
Darryl: [reads text] Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action?
Andy: Shhh. You're gonna scare 'em away. [two pigeons are eating out of a soft serve cone]
Darryl: [laughs] That's a text. [high fives Andy]
Andy: Yeah. Right.
Darryl: That's your new standard.


Nate: Got it. [taking a group photo outside]
Pam: Okay let's go in. I'm freezing.
Michael: People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one.
Jim: One Charlie's Angels. One. Let's go.
Pam: Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one's putting this on their fridge.
Kevin: Oh, I got it, you guys, how 'bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, 'why I oughta', and the girls are like, 'let's go shopping!'.
Andy: Let's just jump in the air!
Michael: That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Pam: Okay.
Nate: One, two, three. [everyone jumps at different times] Not everyone jumped.
Michael: Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.
Nate: One, two, three. [everyone jumps] Still some people not jumping.
Jim: You gotta be kidding me. Who isn't jumping?
Dwight: I'll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar.
Phyllis: I am jumping.
Dwight: You are?
Phyllis: Yes, I'm jumping.
Dwight: Let me see you jump. [Phyllis barely jumps] Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.
Pam: I'm freezing.
Nate: Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three'.
Erin: I didn't want to miss it.
Andy: Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that.
Oscar: Here's a question nobody's asking: Is this worth it?
Michael: Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes?
Oscar: Why?
Michael: I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.
Nate: Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three, [some people jump] two, [others jump] one, [others jump] zero. [everyone begins to yell]
Michael: We didn't get it.
Pam: I'm the office administrator now, which means I'm basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head... I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties.
Pam: It hardly looks fake. It's so lush.
Jim: Why's it smell real? [Pam shows him a hidden car-freshener] Ah... good one.
Michael: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! [dressed as Santa]
All: Merry Christmas.
Michael: How's everybody doing today?
Erin: Good.
Michael: How's the party coming along?
Pam: Great.
Michael: Are we over budget?
Pam: Nope.
Michael: No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?
Meredith: Not yet!
Michael: Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What's the problem?
Angela: Nothing. Should be fun.
Michael: So Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?
Stanley: [cheerily] Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I'm doing fine.
Michael: Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy?
Andy: Yea?
Michael: Whatcha got?
Andy: All good, Santa.
Michael: Well, that's a relief. Santa's gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good!
Michael: My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that's what I want. That's what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.
Kelly: It's present time, you guys. [all react] Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre.
Gabe: We just want to say how grateful we are.
Kelly: Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, 'Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do.'
Kelly: It's a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve.
Andy: Hello Kitty's for girls.
Pam: Nashua got mp3 players.
Phyllis: Yeah, I don't even have a laptop.
Kelly: I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.
Meredith: Wow.
Phyllis: Oh God.
Dwight: Oh come on.
Kelly: I said, 'I wonder.' I didn't say, 'I think.'
Gabe: Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets.
Kelly: Blankets, what am I, five?
Gabe: Erin and I make great use of ours.
Gabe: Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we're still dating?
Darryl: I'll take one of those pink pouches.
Darryl: I feel good today. My little girl Jada? It's my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago I had her, and we had the best time. I tivoed her favorite shows, some things I've never heard of. iCarly... You know who's funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He's got a nice way of talking.
Jim: Hey, it's snowing.
Dwight: [mocking] Oh, my God! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams, hmm? It's not even a real snow. Look, it's a dusting. Pitiful.
Jim: [Jim goes outside, makes a snowball, and brings it back inside] Hey, Dwight. [Jim throws the snowball at Dwight and everyone laughs]
Dwight: Damn it, Jim, you cannot throw snowballs in here!
Jim: Well, it's not a snowball, 'cause it's only a dusting. Right?
Dwight: Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You coulda killed me.
Phyllis: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Stanley: Yeah, who's a little girl now? [everyone laughs]
Dwight: You apologize to me right now.
Jim: You've got something on your nose.
Dwight: You apologize right now.
Jim: No.
Dwight: Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter.
Jim: You got it.
Andy: That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?
Dwight: No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it. [Jim continues to shake Dwight's hand] Jim, let go. Let go.
Kevin: Angela, are you bringing you new boyfriend to the party.
Angela: I wouldn't subject Robert to that. He's a very busy senator.
Oscar: State senator.
Angela: I would not expect you to know what it's like to date someone in the public arena.
Oscar: Who are you dating in the public arena?
Angela: The senator.
Kevin: Oh, right. The state senator.
Angela: We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptroller's wife.
Kevin: Oh, that would be impressive... if
Oscar: Well...
Angela: Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. 'Angela...' [imitates camera shooting] 'over here, Angela...' [imitates camera shooting] 'here. Look here!'
Pam: Before we kick off the party, I just want to remind everyone that an office party is just that...
Michael: Yeah!
Pam: A party. It's not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind.
Michael: Pam? Pam?
Dwight: Pam?
Pam: Wow, there are, there are questions to that. Okay. Um, you know what, no questions. Last item on the agenda, Toby would like to make an announcement.
Toby: Hi guys.
Michael: Hi.
Toby: Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I'll be taking a leave of absence starting next week.
Michael: Uh, because you've been on the Lam? Because the 'boring police' have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?
Toby: Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case.
Michael: Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!
Dwight: Death to Toby!
Toby: Okay, that's hurtful talk. We've talked about that. You know, I don't interrupt your announcements.
Michael: You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do?
Phyllis: What's the case, Toby?
Toby: Well, I really can't talk about it, but it's a very high profile case.
Andy: Is it criminal?
Toby: Yes.
Andy: Have we heard of it?
Toby: I don't know.
Dwight: Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?
Toby: Come on.
Meredith: Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?
Toby: Guys, it's a really big deal. [rubs his neck]
Ryan: He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck!
Kelly: He's rubbing his neck.
Ryan: He's rubbing his neck.
Andy: Oh, Scranton Strangler! [all react]
Toby: I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty. [excited outbursts]
Michael: That was the worst joke ever.
Toby: Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while.
Michael: Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye.
Toby: Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch.
Michael: What? What?
Toby: Yeah, uh, she'll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know.
Michael: Hold on, Holly's coming back here?
Toby: Yeah.
Erin: Guys, who's Holly?
Michael: That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future?
Erin: Wow.
Creed: She's one sassy black lady.
Michael: Holly's coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party.
Gabe: I'm not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party.
Michael: You know what, we'll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Cancel. We're canceling it. [Michael starts to throw away all of the food]
Angela: No, don't throw those out!
Michael: No, we have to cancel the party.
Angela: We can save that.
Michael: No, no, no, we're gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new.
Andy: I bought these.
Michael: I know.
Andy: These cookies are fine.
Michael: It's not. They're not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.
Pam: Michael, Michael, wait we don't have, we don't have the budget for another party.
Michael: Well then everybody'll chip in, it'll be fine.
Pam: I honestly think you're idealizing people here again, Michael. I don't think that's gonna happen.
Michael: You know what, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for the party. It doesn't matter. This is way too important. People, Holly's coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work.
Michael: Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person's breath away.
Michael: We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they've never been cool. [imitating Sean Connery] The name is Bond... Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa... wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can't get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He's not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus... God! Ow! [camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael's pants]
Angela: Just stop moving your calves so much while you're talking.
Michael: Well, this year's gonna be different. We're gonna have fun. It's not gonna be tacky. It's going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It's not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It's gonna be cool, sleek Santa.
Angela: Maybe I'll bring my boyfriend. I'll invite him.
Michael: Okay. Sure.
Angela: I mean, unless there's any chance there could be press at this party.
Michael: You never know about the press.
Angela: Well, I only ask because he's a senator.
Michael: Could he help us with some parking tickets?
Angela: I don't think that's appropriate.
Michael: Well, then he's not a senator.
Angela: Yes, he is.
Michael: Okay.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: We still doing the gifts today? [Pam nods] I mean, it is the Christmas party. Well, the classy Christmas party.
Pam: Yes. But don't get too excited, 'cause I didn't have a lot of time this year.
Jim: Me neither. Whew.
Pam: Okay.
Pam: I've been working forever on Jim's present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He'll take a memory or a private joke, and he'll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes 'bear man'. Wreaks havoc on the office. It's really good.
Jim: [A note is on Jim's computer that says, 'It is time. Parking lot at noon.' Jim nods and hands it to Dwight who burns it.]
Michael: Okay... [sighs] Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no!
Pam: No, it has the little...
Michael: Pam, no, no. Holly's coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it's a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you.
Bass Player: Hi, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Michael: Yes, that's me. Come on it.
Michael: [scats awkwardly] There's nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what's better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?
Pam: Hey, uh, any volunteers to come with me to go buy a Christmas tree?
Kevin: I would, but I don't want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party.
Pam: Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It's just us.
Andy: I will help. Although my 'brid', my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won't fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.
Kevin: Yeah.
Andy: I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup.
Pam: Oh, do you mean Darryl? That's a great idea. I'll ask him.
Andy: You know Darryl?
Pam: Yeah. He works here. We all know him.
Andy: I should come along, just 'cause he's my, you know, he's my hookup.
Pam: Cool.
Darryl: Come on, now, Justine, look... Listen, look, I've been planning this, okay? You cannot do this, Justine.
Justine: [on the phone] I'm not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here.
Darryl: She did?
Justine: Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas.
Darryl: I don't know... I thought I was enough family for my daughter.
Darryl: [Pam knocks on Darryl's door] Don't come in, I'm busy. [Pam opens the door]
Andy: It's cool, Darryl, I'm here too.
Pam: Hey, sorry, I really didn't want to come in. It's just that we have to go buy a new Christmas tree, and we're hoping we could borrow your truck.
Darryl: Uh, no.
Andy: Come on, it'll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back.
Darryl: No. Thank you for your interest in my truck.
Pam: Okay. Sorry. We'll uh, we'll leave you alone.
Darryl: Hey... [sighs] You know what, I could use a breath of fresh air. Let's do it.
Michael: When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her.
Erin: I've looked her up online... there's nothing about her. She's made no impression on the internet.
Michael: She doesn't need an internet presence, you just know.
Erin: Oh...
Toby: Hey.
Michael: What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the courthouse.
Toby: Uh, we're on recess. I came for the party. Hey, everyone.
Kevin: Hi, Toby.
Meredith: What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
Kevin: Yeah.
Meredith: That scowl.
Toby: I can't talk about it or I'll get removed from the jury.
Michael: And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions.
Toby: I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But, they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we're just talking.
Jim: [standing outside, dials Dwight's cell phone]
Dwight: [voicemail recording] You've reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave... [Jim hangs up and turns for the door. It is pad locked. Jim turns as Dwight springs from a nearby snowman and pelts him with snowballs.]
Dwight: Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Jim: Stop! Stop!
Dwight: Ahh!
Jim: Oh... oh!
Dwight: [grunting, shouting]
Dwight: I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.
Dwight: [dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim, then rests his foot on Jim and raises his arms in the air] Haahh!! [runs off]
Jim: Um, I was laying on the ground, defenseless, and uh, he just kept throwing 'em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, [cell phone chimes] then... [reading text message] 'How 'bout icing it? lol. Dwight.'
Holly: Hi.
Erin: Hello.
Holly: Is there any way I can get a hand with these, please?
Erin: I'm really sorry, I can't help you. I'm waiting for my boss' pretty friend to arrive.
Michael: There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God's sake?
Erin: Oh, you're Holly! Of course. Sorry.
Michael: Hello.
Holly: [weak Clint Eastwood accent] Well, well, well, if it isn't Michael Scott. You old bastard.
Michael: [imitating her accent] Well, I never thought I'd see your face around these parts, you old bastard.
Holly: Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard.
Michael: [as Curly] Why, you're some sorta wise guy, huh?
Holly: [as Curly] I most certainly am.
Michael: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Holly: Unnnnnnngh!
Michael: [as Homer] D'oh!
Holly: [as Marge] Oh, Homey. [they both laugh]
Jim: Okay... Holly's back.
Michael: Hi. Hi. Oh... [they hug]
Holly: [in monster voice] Oh, huggy monster!
Michael: Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! [both sigh] Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly.
Holly: Hi.
Kevin: Did you bring us anything from Nashua?
Holly: Oh, yeah. I brought um, some maple candy. But I have to admit, I got a little hungry on the drive, and I ate some of them.
Michael: That's adorable.
Holly: Would you put those out?
Erin: To throw out? Or put out, like, six pieces for everyone?
Holly: Oh, it's so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It's like a party for limousine drivers.
Michael: Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party.
Holly: Oh, it's fabulous. I love what you did.
Michael: Isn't it wonderful? We love it here. Don't you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk.
Holly: [in the same accent] Watch out for my guns they're both loaded. [makes gun noises]
Michael: What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?
Jim: Aww...
Holly: It's a pea shoot...
Michael: This is weird. I can't believe you're here. This feels like you never left. Doesn't it?
Holly: Yeah, kind of.
Michael: Oh...
Holly: Oh...
Michael: Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! [the both chuckle] Oh, I love toy...
Holly: AJ gave me that.
Michael: Well, that's understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character?
Holly: Mmhmm.
Michael: You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy's mom.
Holly: Why?
Michael: Because without Andy's mom, there's no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie.
Holly: That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn't seen any of the Toy Story movies.
Michael: You're kidding me. Ahh!
Holly: No. I know. I was like, 'What? Are you serious?'
Michael: What a douche bag!
Holly: Get a life!
Michael: Get a... yeah! Good riddance.
Holly: We sat down and we watched them all in one day.
Michael: Mmhmm.
Holly: Now he's the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever.
Michael: Good for him.
Holly: Next day I found him in my bed.
Michael: Really? That's creepy. How did AJ get in your house?
Holly: We live together.
Michael: Oh, you do?
Holly: He had a little note pinned to him that said, 'You've got a friend in me.'
Michael: [fighting back tears] Yeah, Randy Newman's the best.
Holly: Yeah. I love him.
Michael: Me too.
Andy: [singing] Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won't you be my Christmas tree.
Pam: Hey, how about this one?
Andy: Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is?
Pam: Maybe. I mean...
Darryl: [on the phone] I just, no, she be talking to your mom or something. This is my daughter too, Justine! You seem to think, [Justine hangs up] oh... pick a damn tree already.
Pam: Um, hey, Darryl, listen, it's none of my business, but if I couldn't have Cece for Christmas, I'd be really upset too.
Andy: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.
Darryl: Jada don't want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasn't as much fun. And how could she say that? You know, I took her to the toy store to buy her own presents.
Pam: Well Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents.
Darryl: Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess that's something to do.
Pam: No, you should have her mom do the boring Christmas stuff on her time. You should be associated with the fun parts of Christmas.
Darryl: How do I do that?
Pam: Bring her to the party. Yeah, we'll have Santa, and we'll play games with her. It'll be a lot of fun.
Andy: Yes.
Pam: You'll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night.
Pam: Hey guys, the tree's here.
Michael: Hey.
Andy: Nobody hug me, I'm covered in tree sap, so...
Oscar: Why would someone hug you?
Michael: Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I'm Santa Claus. Welcome.
Darryl: Are you serious?
Michael: It's a sophisticated take.
Jada: He doesn't look like Santa Claus.
Darryl: No, he doesn't. [to Michael] I told her Santa would be here.
Michael: Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled.
Pam: Who told you that?
Michael: Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made.
Phyllis: So is it an open relationship?
Holly: Oh, God, no.
Kelly: Well, you're almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids?
Holly: Oh, I want kids. I really want kids. But AJ and I are practically engaged. We talk about spending our lives together.
Kelly: So where's the ring?
Pam: Kelly! Um, how are you adjusting to the move?
Phyllis: Nobody cares about that. Look, you have to make him commit, or kick his butt to the curb.
Pam: You guys, I don't think any of us are really qualified to be giving Holly personal advice about her love life.
Erin: Yeah, I mean, maybe Holly's not in any position to be shooing guys away.
Erin: I don't get it! I'm sorry. I just, I don't get it!
Holly: Okay, listen, I'm gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose by the end of this year, we're over.
Pam: Wow, an ultimatum.
Holly: Yeah.
Pam: It doesn't really seem like you.
Kelly: That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.
Dwight: [turns in Pam's chair with a Pam wig on and laughs maniacally]
Jim: Don't. Stop, Dwight! [Dwight pelts Jim with snowballs] Dwight, stop! Dwight, stop!
Dwight: Oh, no. Oh, no!
Jim: Stop!
Dwight: Oh, no. Yes, taste my wrath!
Jim: Okay. Okay. Okay.
Dwight: Huh? You like that?
Jim: Seriously!
Dwight: Huh?
Jim: Okay. Okay. [Dwight throws another snowball and laughs maniacally]
Dwight: Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.
Jim: I just want it to stop.
Pam: So, cool right?
Ryan: There's no connection between the origin story and the quest.
Pam: Okay.
Ryan: We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise, it's the bear's quest.
Pam: Okay, well, I just sorta meant, like, cute, right?
Ryan: Well, did you come here for help, or did you come here for me to tell you how great it is?
Pam: I mean, help, if it's something simple, like add page numbers or laminate it or...
Ryan: Well, it sounds like you know what you want. [Pam walks away] It's also a little derivative of a serias called 'Bear Man'. Did you look that up?
Pam: No.
Ryan: Okay.
Toby: Oh, Jim. Hey.
Jim: Hey, Toby.
Toby: There's this female uh, uh, stenographer at the courthouse...
Jim: No way.
Toby: Who looks exactly like you.
Jim: That's increadible.
Toby: Yeah. No, it's uncanny.
Jim: You know what's crazy?
Toby: What?
Jim: I can't reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second. [he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick, misses, and shatters a window, everyone gasps] Excuse me. [clears throat]
Michael: I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don't. And that's just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. [clip of Michael throwing Holly's Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it]
Angela: It's so cold. Even with my coat on.
Meredith: Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car... for screwing Americans.
Gabe: Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy.
Holly: You guys, this has to stop. Someone could have really gotten hurt.
Michael: What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic.
Dwight: I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress.
Jim: What are you talking about? You're the one terrorizing me.
Dwight: With snowballs, Jim? With fluffy little snowballs? No. I thought we were just playing.
Holly: Dwight's right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. I'm really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here, you were both best friends.
Michael: All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? [he holds up a toy taxi cab] Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City.
Dwight: Wait, what girlfriend?
Michael: I haven't told you about her.
Dwight: I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.
Michael: I'm a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that's pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, 'Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab.'
Holly: I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
Michael: I do. She is.
Michael: Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain't Tara.
Phyllis: So you went homemade this year.
Pam: Yup.
Phyllis: Yeah. Money problems, is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don't think we can help you out.
Pam: No, no. Jim had a great year, actually. I just wanted to get your opinion.
Phyllis: Are you good at homemade?
Pam: Look at this.
Phyllis: Yeah...
Holly: [walks in with a dirty Woody] Who did this? It's obvious to me I'm not welcome here, but somebody better tell me who did this, or else I'm leaving.
Phyllis: Well, I don't think Erin seems to like you.
Erin: That's not true. I don't know her enough to make a decision even.
Michael: What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby's very jealous of all the attention you've been getting.
Toby: No, I would never ever do anything like that. But it does seem like something you would do.
Michael: Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn't that nice? Thank you very much.
Kevin: Wait, wait, guys, listen. Toy Story is all about toys that come to life when people aren't looking. You don't think... it's not possible... that Woody did this to himself.
Michael: It is Christmas.
Angela: No, it really seems like something Michael would do.
Michael: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed.
Andy: Why would anyone frame you for that?
Jim: Okay, I'm sorry, why are we discounting this whole 'Woody came to life' thing so quickly?
Michael: Ahhhhhh! [laughs] Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh?
Holly: You think this is funny?
Michael: [laughs] I don't. But someday I think we will laugh about this... when we tell our kids...
Jim: Yikes. [everyone gasps]
Kevin: Oh no, that's, that's not happening.
Dwight: Dear God in heaven.
Michael: All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings.
Holly: Michael, you have to let this go. I'm with someone else. I don't feel that way anymore.
Michael: Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That's what Jim and Dwight thought.
Dwight: Okay, hey, hey, hey...
Jim: No, fake girlfriends are always wrong.
Holly: You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I'd get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?
Michael: When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, 'Michael, I love you, but I can't do this.' But then, with this other guy, you don't have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me.
Holly: Michael, I'm sorry.
Michael: And we did this whole stupid party for you.
Erin: [blocks Holly's path] No.
Holly: You guys, it wasn't my fault.
Kevin: Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!
Erin: I really think you're better off.
Michael: Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please?
Erin: Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something?
Jim: [walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it, reading the note] 'Hey, Pickles, Merry Christmas. Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese.' [opens the present and a snowball shoots out at him, everyone laughs] Damn it, Dwight!
Dwight: Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all.
Stanley: So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?
Toby: No, they bring it in.
Stanley: You lucky son of a bitch.
Stanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... that is the life.
Jada: Daddy, I'm bored. Can I read my book in your office?
Darryl: Sure, sweetie.
Pam: Jada, Darryl, I'm so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him?
Pam: Oh, my goodness.
Andy: I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.
Darryl: Ohh, that sounds fun and Christmasy, you mean old grinch!
Jada: What kind of challenges.
Andy: Wahhh...
Pam: Something like an obstacle course, Mr. Grinch?
Andy: No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?
Jada: I don't know.
Andy: Do you know the other state?
Darryl: Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star, and we could ask for clues, and he'll tell us if we're hot or cold.
Andy: The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she's burning up because the star is right behind her ear! [pulls star from coat and pretends to find it behind Jada's ear]
Darryl: And the game's over seconds later.
Angela: I'm so glad you could come.
Robert: It's nice. I know.
Angela: Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend, Senator Robert Lipton.
Robert: Hi.
Oscar: Senator, it's an honor. I'm Angela's friend Oscar.
Robert: Oscar. A pleasure.
Oscar: Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.
AJ: Hi.
Erin: Hello.
AJ: I'm, uh, I'm AJ. I'm here to see Holly. It's kind of a surprise.
Erin: I know who you are, and I think you should go.
Kevin: I bet you didn't even bring us anything, did you?
AJ: Was I supposed to bring you guys something?
Holly: What? AJ!
AJ: Surprise.
Holly: What are you doing here? Oh, my God.
AJ: I wanted to see you. How are you?
Holly: Wow! Nice.
AJ: Oh, God, you look great.
Holly: Oh... when did you get here?
AJ: Just now.
Michael: Hey
AJ: Just now. Hey, Michael.
Michael: Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome.
AJ: Pleased to see you. Thank you.
Michael: Good trip down?
AJ: Yeah, it was great.
Michael: Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay.
Michael: I am dead inside.
Darryl: What do you want, baby? We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies...
Jada: You have a whole room of vending machines?
Creed: [chuckles] I know. Isn't it something?
Jada: I can't decide what I want.
Darrly: [handing out vending machine items to everyone] Merry Christmas.
Jada: Merry Christmas.
Pam: Thank you.
Jada: And Merry Christmas.
Meredith: Thank you.
Jada: And Merry Christ... mas.
Robert: Thank you so much.
Jada: Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas.
Oscar: Merry Christmas to you.
Jada: Merry Christmas.
Bass Player: Oh, thank you.
Kevin: [Oscar unwraps a pair of Uggs] For your feet!
Ryan: [holding a knitted iPad case] It's amazing. It's so great. Thank you.
Creed: [Angela hands Creed a pack of deodorant] For me?
Angela: Yes.
Creed: Thank you very much.
Angela: Mmhmm.
Angela: I don't know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards, but Robert was instrumental in that legislation.
Kevin: Wow, that's awesome!
Oscar: A real David and Goliath story.
Robert: I'm just so touched that she's so interested in my work.
Angela: I am.
Meredith: The real problem is the teachers' union.
Angela: Zip it, Meredith.
Meredith: No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still can't read.
Ryan: Hey, who's in charge of making drinks around here? Is there a bartender?
Angela: You are. You make your own drink. [Ryan groans]
Oscar: I'll make it. What are you drinking.
Ryan: An 'F' train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters.
Oscar: I don't know how to make that.
Ryan: Okay, well, I'll just stick with my mojito.
Angela: And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he's helping eradicate them as well. I mean, I think they've really become a pest.
Meredith: Annoying.
Angela: Yes.
Pam: [Jim hits a ceiling panel] I don't think he's in the ceiling, babe.
Jim: Well, uh... I don't think any of us really know. Alright. [Jim hands Pam a present]
Pam: Is it... is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? [she shakes it]
Jim: Ooh, go easy with the shaking.
Pam: [lifting up a diamond bracelet] Oh, my God.
Jim: You like it?
Pam: I love it.
Jim: Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn't make that.
Jim: Alright, my turn.
Pam: Oh, um, it's just, I didn't, I didn't have a lot of time, so that's just a place holder.
Jim: Right. Of course. [reading the comic book] 'The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert.' Oh, my God. This is awesome! That's my bike. That's my desk. And that is my daughter.
Jim: I mean... [speechless]
Pam: Michael, wait!
Michael: Oh, hey, hey, no, don't run. You're gonna slip.
Pam: That's good advice.
Michael: Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.
Pam: That's a sad story.
Michael: [voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married.
Pam: Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything's gonna be okay.
Michael: No, it's not. It's not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.
Pam: I shouldn't tell you this, but... AJ won't commit to Holly. And she's gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose to her by the end of the year, it's over.
Michael: Really?
Pam: Really. And I don't know about you, but I don't know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?
Michael: No.
Pam: So just be patient.
Michael: Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don't want you to fall.
Jim: I surrender.
Dwight: I do not accept your surrender. There's only one way that I would ever relent.
Jim: Anything. You got it.
Dwight: You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch.
Jim: You're a psychopath.
Dwight: I'll take that as a no.
Michael: I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it.
Kelly: Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You're re-gifting this to me.
Michael: No, that's not... no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you.
Kelly: Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt.
Michael: [hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That...
Kelly: This is a fast food receipt from April.
Michael: Well, that...
Kelly: God, how many number nines did you order?
AJ: Is everyone here kind of mean?
Holly: Oh, I think everyone's on edge because of the strangler trial.
AJ: Oh.
Holly: Hey, I'm so glad you came down. It's been so much harder than I expected.
AJ: Hey, what happened to Woody?
Holly: Oh, okay, get ready for this. You're not gonna believe it. I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him.
AJ: He smells awful.
Holly: It was blue cheese dressing.
AJ: Great.
Darryl: Hey, Mike.
Michael: Hey.
Darryl: We wanted to give you something.
Michael: Oh.
Jada: Merry Christmas.
Michael: Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.
Darryl: What do you say?
Jada: You're welcome.
Michael: Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn't he say that?
Jada: Yeah.
Michael: I think I know where he is.
Jada: A trampoline...
Michael: Mmhmm.
Jada: Video games.
Michael: Video games.
Jada: A DSi.
Michael: A DSi?
Jada: A horse.
Michael: A horse.
Jada: A pool.
Michael: You, are you sure you don't want a pony? You want a real horse?
Jada: Yes.
Michael: All right. You have to pick up after them.
Pam: Hey, sorry. I'm ready.
Jim: I don't want to go.
Pam: Oh... come on, bear man. Come on. [the lights flicker]
Jim: Have you ever seen 'em do that? [walk outside and the parking lot is covered with snowmen]
Pam: I'm sorry. I had no idea.
Jim: No, it's, it's okay. Okay.
Pam: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.
Jim: Okay. This is it.
Pam: What?
Jim: Go! Go! Go!
Pam: What? What is it? What? What is, oh, my God! [Jim starts attacking snowmen] Honey? Jim? Jim!
Dwight: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.


Man: Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.
Dwight: Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!
Jim: Oh.
Dwight: This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.
Dwight: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.
Jim: I'm actually just looking for my Blackberry, so, carry on.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs, ha, ha, ha... screw you!
Man: Dwight, don't be bothered by your friend's presence.
Dwight: What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leader's weird voice? Huh? [mimicking the leader's voice] Dwight, don't be bothered by the [mumbles]. Over the line, Jim.
Jim: I'm just looking for my phone, so... pretend I'm not here.
Dwight: Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. That's our official name, Jim.
Jim: Sounds good.
Dwight: Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.
Jim: Smart.
Dwight: And the rest was just [mumbles]stuff.
Man: Go ahead and read it, some people weren't here.
Dwight: Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.
Jim: Oh, come on, that sounds awesome.
Member: It was pretty cool.
Jim: Was it?
Member: It was fun.
Dwight: It was pretty awesome.
Jim: [answers phone] Hey! Yeah. No, I got it. Just leaving now.
Michael: January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let's switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this.
Michael: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.
Michael: [filming video] Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Erin: [giggles] Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry.
Michael: Okay, so killing yourself. [laughs] I was just thinking about snot.
Angela: Good morning.
Pam: Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display them on... da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board.
Dwight: Wow. Did your baby draw that?
Angela: The glitter is blinding.
Phyllis: I think it's good.
Pam: It's gonna be fun.
Pam: I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she's awesome.
Phyllis: I know Sue. She's not that great. And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?
Erin: Okay, champagne.
Michael: Happy.
Erin: Sponge.
Michael: Sad. To soak up my tears.
Erin: Gummi bears and gummi worms.
Michael: Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.
Erin: Ukulele's happy?
Michael: Sad, something to break.
Erin: Chocolates.
Michael: For you, job well done.
Erin: Thank you! And two bottles of scotch.
Michael: Both sad.
Erin: And did you get the tickets?
Michael: I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite. I hope she doesn't call us up on stage. That would suck. 'Hey, you think you can do my job better?' I don't know. 'What's your name?' Michael.
Erin: I'm really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life!
Pam: Oh, hey, guys! I'd like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine. His name is New Year's resolution board.
Michael: Shaaa-shut up. Hello.
Kelly: What happened? Is there a ring?
Michael: So... high five me. We're back. To a happy... [grabs Holly's hand] look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?
Kelly: [whispering] Come on!
Holly: They're warm.
Michael: They're so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put 'er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! That's a good firm handshake. You're hired! Yes, let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Yes, yes, right away.
Dwight: Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat up to 90, smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.
Michael: Yes, no, why? Stop! Yes.
Kevin: [Holly takes off mittens revealing no ring on her ring finger] Congratu-ohhh.
Kelly: Wow.
Michael: Oh my God! That's it! That's it!
Holly: Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum.
Kelly: Yes, I told everyone.
Holly: [sticking both ring fingers up] Ha ha, ha ha!
Kevin: Hey! [sticking up middle finger] Right back atcha, bitch!
Michael: Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy!
Video Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe.
Michael: I'm trying!
Video Michael: I said breathe!
Michael: I'm trying!
Video Michael: Wait a second, are you listening to music?
Michael: What?
Video Michael: Shut that off!
Michael: I'm not listening to music!
Video Michael: Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin' good! You're lookin' good. [roping Michael in] Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! Michael dance off!
Michael: Go! Oh, that's nice.
Video Michael: Go!
Michael: Me? Okay.
Erin: Go!
Video Michael: Nice! We're gonna calm down later.
Michael: I'm good.
Erin: Oh, yeah!
Michael: Oh my God! [sprays champagne on Erin]
Pam: Hey, Dwight, I'm collecting resolution cards.
Dwight: Not doing that.
Pam: Why not?
Dwight: I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best.
Andy: Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.
Pam: Learn to cook for one!
Andy: Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.
Pam: Well, maybe you'll meet someone.
Andy: No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.
Pam: Angela.
Angela: Yes.
Pam: Make time for romance!
Oscar: Who's the senator?
Angela: My boyfriend.
Oscar: Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused, because you accidentally wrote 'the senator'.
Angela: Ugh.
Dwight: Wait, it's that easy? That's not a resolution, that's just... something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that... [sticks note card on board, makes trumpet sound] My resolution is... meet a loose woman.
Angela: Oh, God.
Andy: That's a good one.
Dwight: Yeah.
Andy: You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.
Dwight: Awesome.
Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa...'
Andy: The bookstore?
Dwight: It's that easy?
Darryl: I'll come with you, show you how it's done.
Dwight: Okay, I'll drive.
Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.
Michael: Hello! Oh, somebody's got a new phone!
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: That is neat.
Holly: I got it for Christmas. I'm so out of my league here.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?
Holly: [imitating E.T.] Holly misses old phone.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Why?
Holly: [imitating E.T.] New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Bummer.
Holly: [imitating E.T.] Bummer.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces.
Holly: [imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces?
Kelly: Oh, God, please stop!
Michael: I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible. [slams phone on desk, phone breaks]
Holly: [reaches for her cell phone] Oh, I should get this. Hey! Oh, no, don't go see that one, I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too. All right.
Michael: Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is. I can't figure it out. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?
Pam: I don't think so.
Michael: When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him?
Pam: No.
Michael: But you did still love him.
Pam: I'm not... I'm not going to have...
Michael: Do you love him now?
Pam: No! Just talk to her.
Michael: No. She'd just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. [disgusted voice] Oh, hi friend! Blegh.
Phyllis: I'll talk to her, Michael.
Michael: You think she'd talk to you?
Phyllis: Why wouldn't she?
Michael: That's true. She's really nice. She'd talk to anybody. Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out?
Pam: There's a plan.
Andy: All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel.
Dwight: I'll take the entirety of the second floor.
Darryl: I got that cutie behind the counter.
Bookstore employee: Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.
Darryl: Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold like, ten books at once.
Bookstore employee: Actually, it's ten thousand.
Darryl: Holy [bleep], what? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant.
Andy: Hi.
Customer: Hi.
Dwight: Welcome.
Andy: Let us know if you need anything.
Customer: Thanks.
Andy: Why did we pretend like we work here?
Dwight: Is that what we were doing?
Darryl: Hey, how'd you do?
Andy: Good!
Dwight: Good. Real good.
Darryl: Really?
Dwight: Yeah, yeah!
Andy: We kinda nailed it.
Dwight: Yeah, pretty much. But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out, so. Let's roll.
Darryl: Cool.
Dwight: Okay. What'd you get?
Darryl: A book about oceans.
Dwight: Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
Darryl: No, that's uh. Porn. Pornography. Old lady... nasty... porn.
Phyllis: [whispering] Follow my lead. Hey, want some company?
Erin: Want some company?
Holly: Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks?
Phyllis: Oh, really good, I went to Portugal.
Erin: I went to Portugal.
Holly: Oh, wow... you went together?
Phyllis: No.
Erin: No.
Phyllis: So, I've just gotta know. What's going on with you and AJ?
Holly: Nothing really happened. I mean, I know I made a big deal about this whole New Year's deadline, but um, it came and went... and, we're still together.
Phyllis: You didn't break up with AJ at all? I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?
Holly: It just wasn't fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place. The whole thing is totally my fault. But we're going to be just fine. Just fine.
Darryl: Whoa! Hold on.
Dwight: I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.
Darryl: [Dwight heads toward a strip club] Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Dwight: Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.
Darryl: I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.
Dwight: Well, we can't just go back, I mean, we came out to meet women.
Andy: Hey, there's a roller rink across the street! There's always chicks at the rink.
Darryl: What kind of chicks are you going to meet there?
Andy: I don't know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten year reunion parties.
Dwight: Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.
Andy: Roller derby practice!
Darryl: We're going skating.
Pam: The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who's been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it.
Erin: Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.
Pam: Cool! Here's a little 'way to go' gift from Sabre. [tosses Erin a Frisbee]
Gabe: Intercepted!
Erin: Hey! Gabe.
Gabe: Whoops.
Pam: Creed. I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board. What's yours?
Creed: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
Pam: How is it going?
Creed: I'm having a little trouble motivating.
Pam: One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them. In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February.
Michael: Or sooner.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: That's not a joke.
Pam: But that's okay. Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've fudged on some of our resolutions?
Kevin: Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet. But it's okay. I still have time, since last year, I ate none.
Pam: Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine.
Michael: Is it?
Pam: Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.
Michael: Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere.
Kevin: Well not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott.
Michael: What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!
Creed: Well, I can't, I don't know how.
Michael: You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone? Loser.
Creed: My tombstone's already made, thank you.
Michael: Just do a cartwheel!
Erin: This is all I could find.
Michael: [holding broccoli in front of Kevin] Eat it.
Pam: You don't have to do that, Kevin.
Kevin: I don't know. I'm glad this is happening. Thank you, Michael.
Kelly: Why are you eating stem first?
Kevin: This is a new food for me, how else should I eat it?
Ryan: The other way.
Kevin: Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise?
Michael: No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go.
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.
Kevin: God, I hate it.
Michael: I don't care whether you hate it! You said you'd do it!
Angela: All right!
Michael: Eat it!
Kelly: You're killing him, Michael!
Michael: All right, all right, shh!
Kevin: All right, I ate the fluffy part, can I be done?
Michael: Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. [reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out] Oh, God! You guys are pathetic.
Kevin: Can I get some candy, or something?
Michael: No! You can't have any candy!
Oscar: I'll get him water.
Pam: Okay, Michael, just settle down.
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Holly Flax.
Holly: Yes, Michael?
Michael: [imitating E.T.] Not Michael, E.T.
Holly: What's up?
Michael: Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there.
Holly: Oh, no, Michael, I don't want to talk about it with you. I mean, I'm fine, I just... I don't want to talk about it.
Michael: Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room.
Creed: You think?
Michael: And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax.
Kevin: You were super mean.
Michael: It was insensitive and I am sorry.
Kevin: It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.
Michael: I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies... I... care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.
Kevin: Okay, Michael, no offense, but you need to get your own life.
Michael: You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends.
Creed: I don't think I'm there yet, Boss.
Kevin: Well, I am. [hugs Michael]
Michael: Okay, oh! All right.
Kevin: I'm going to help you.
Michael: Okay.
DJ: [at the skating rink]Hey, uh. It's just you. Anything you want to hear?
Andy: Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only.
DJ: Okay. [Ants Go Marching starts playing]
Andy: I said no hits!
Ryan: I just feel blocked. Like I'm living, but I'm not...
Kevin: Hey, Ryan.
Ryan: Yeah.
Kevin: How's your fart project coming?
Ryan: That's real, real classy, Kevin. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?
Kevin: Me.
Pam: Kevin, don't! Come on!
Kelly: Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine!
Pam: Yeah, just a little, I have a lot to deal with today.
Meredith: [holding a pack of cigarettes] Well, if you don't have to do 'em...
Kelly: Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant!
Ryan: Okay, no.
Kelly: My resolution was to get more attention.
Ryan: No, she's lying.
Kevin: Hey, Ryan. [taps board, makes farting noise]
Erin: One, two, three. [does cartwheel] I did it! I did a cartwheel!
Creed: [bleep] you! [bleep] you! God!
Pam: Okay, that's it.
Pam: [throws resolution board away in dumpster] Lesson learned.
Darryl: Sup?
Andy: Hey! Where did you go?
Darryl: To the arcade.
Andy: Oh, cool.
Darryl: Why, did you meet someone?
Andy: Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him.
Darryl: Right on, son.
Dwight: Gentlemen.
Andy: And where did you go?
Dwight: Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.
Darryl: Right.
DJ: So, that's it, guys? If you want, I can put on the strobe.
Dwight: Yeah!
Erin: You want to keep this?
Michael: No.
Erin: Do you want to keep this?
Michael: Yup.
Erin: Do you want to keep this?
Michael: You can toss them.
Michael: My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.
Holly: We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine... just fine... just fine... just fine...
Holly: I just think we need to cool things down for awhile. Yeah, a break. At least until I get back to Nashua. Yeah, I'm sure.
Michael: Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where you're going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.
Creed: Mmmhm.
Michael: You ready to do this?
Creed: Yes, sir.
Michael: You know what? I'm going to stay here as long as it takes.
Creed: I really appreciate it, Boss.
Michael: It's about you. It's about you. Go!
Creed: I did it!
Michael: You did?
Creed: The perfect cartwheel.
Michael: Okay.
Creed: What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.
Michael: Congratulations. All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow.