David Brent: Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael: [English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.
David: [laughing] What you doing?
Michael: English?
David: You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.
Michael: Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?
David: Yeah big time, yeah.
Michael: I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David: Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
Michael: Michael Scott.
David: Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.
Michael: [laughing]
David: Herrow! Herrow!
Michael: I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!
David: You can't do that these days. You can't.
Michael: No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David: No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. [laughs]. [hugs Michaels] Ohh.
Michael: That's good. Pleasure to meet you.
David: Where are you working?
Michael: Dunder Mifflin.
David: Any jobs now?
Michael: No, not right now.
David: Just let me know.
Michael: All right. See you around.
David: All right.
Michael: Bye-bye. What a nice guy.
Erin: Your first student is here, Mister Bernard.
Andy: That's actually 'Master of Ceremonies' Bernard.
Andy: Last year, I went to a seminar called 'The Ten Secrets of Real Estate'. Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.
Erin: Oh it's... [points to conference room]
Michael: [enters] [in a gruff voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar.
Erin: Michael?
Michael: Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos.
Erin: Ooh. Wait, Michael?
Michael: Okay.
Michael: I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character 'Mikanos', is just a little added flava. 'Mikanos' is loosely based on another character I do, 'Spiros', who is more about the ladies.
Andy: Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.
Jim: Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win.
Andy: Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.
Jim: Wow. [sees guy at Erin's desk] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar.
Andy: No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy,
Jim: I know.
Andy: If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night.
Jim: I'm really sorry. I can't do it.
Andy: You can't. You can't.
Andy: I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.
Jim: Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over?
Pam: What's going on? Do you know that guy?
Jim: I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office.
Dwight: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Dwight: [to Erin] How are the marks?
Dwight: What are some of your small business ideas?
Older guy: I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts.
Phyllis, Stanley, Dwight: Oooh!
Dwight: That's great. There's a big, big future in that.
Phyllis: A lot of mines in Scranton.
Dwight: Um, what about you?
Younger Guy: Uh, credit cards.
Dwight: Uh-huh.
Younger Guy: My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction.
Dwight: Wow!
Younger Guy: Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents.
Dwight: Right. Okay? Great.
Stanley: Great.
Dwight: You promised us whales. These are worms.
Andy: They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter.
Stanley: I'm out.
Andy: Stanley, you're suppose to close.
Phyllis: I'm out too.
Andy: What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.
Dwight: We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.
Michael: You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and...
Holly: Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.
Michael: [as Mikanos] If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos?
Holly: Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian.
Michael: Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.
Holly: Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.
Michael: Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that.
Erin: [muttering] Down... there. [to Pam] Is 'jlp' a word?
Pam: Jelp?' J-e-l-p?
Erin: No, j-l-p. Like, 'I jlp... I jlp you!'
Pam: I don't think that's a word.
Erin: I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game.
Erin: The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen 'The Shining', 'Rosemary's Baby', 'The Ring'. Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything.
Pam: You want some help?
Erin: Really?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Erin: Yes.
Pam: K-a. 'Ka'? What does 'ka' mean?
Oscar: It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play 'moo'?
Erin: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing 'moo', I'm playing 'milk'. Whatever it takes.
Oscar: Okay, but look, you could have hit 'mood'. Would have played a...
Erin: Uh...
Oscar: A triple word.
Erin: Like the cow mood yesterday. God.
Oscar: Or moon.
Erin: The cow jumped over the moon.
Oscar: She's stuck on that one thing.
Pam: No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?
Andy: Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.
Kevin: Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.
Andy: Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.
Kevin: Then I won't let you down.
Kelly: Cake.
Ryan: In you go.
Andy: Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?
Ryan: Yup.
Andy: I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.
Ryan: And?
Andy: Can you do it?
Ryan: Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that.
Andy: So no?
Ryan: No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment.
Kelly: Oh, baby.
Andy: What do I put you down for, bro hombre?
Ryan: Yes.
Andy: All right!
Ryan: Yes, I'll do it.
Andy: Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome.
Ryan: And if I flake, I flake.
Andy: What?
Andy: Kevin, you open it up.
Kevin: Yep.
Andy: Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three!
Kevin: Go.
Creed: Creed! Ha!
Andy: Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.
Older Woman: Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.
Andy: Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, 'Don't Just Dream it, do it.' Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. [plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train]
Kevin: [running laps around the conference room] Yes!
Kevin: There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type.
Kevin: [out of breath] Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. [coughing] And then double it! [coughing].
Andy: Are you okay?
Kevin: No. Yes!
Andy: Here...
Kevin: No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. [coughing] [vomiting]. Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! [runs out of room]
Andy: I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...
Kelly: But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.
Andy: What are you...
Kelly: Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.
Kelly: It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. 'The Business Bitch', 'The Diet Bitch', 'The Shopping Bitch', 'The Etiquette Bitch.'
Kelly: I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.
Professor Powell: Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.
Kelly: Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.
Professor Powell: Uh, why?
Kelly: Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?
Professor Powell: Um, there aren't really ten secrets.
Kelly: Come on Scott, please? It's me.
Professor Powell: Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.
Kelly: Mm-hmm.
Andy: That brilliant little bitch.
Oscar: A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that 'q' right there.
Erin: Wait. Why?
Oscar: Put the 'q' there, sweetie.
Pam: I think there's better...
Oscar: Put the 'q' there! [phone rings] Sorry I yelled.
Pam: You could have just told us what you were thinking.
Oscar: There's no theater in that.
Pam: There's no yelling in that, either.
Oscar: Well...
Holly: What do you do in your free time?
Michael: [as Mikanos] Practice Olympics.
Holly: Mmm. Do you like movies?
Michael: [as Mikanos] I like the musical 'Grease', or as we call it, 'home'.
Holly: We have to try this out on somebody.
Michael: [as Mikanos] Hello.
Hank: Look, you want to order something?
Michael: She will have a greekaccino.
Hank: I don't know what that is.
Michael: It...
Holly: [with accent] It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.
Michael: [laughs] I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk!
Holly: No more brain damage.
Michael: No more brain damage!
Holly: Ahh!
Holly: I don't know.
Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. [applause]
Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?
Andy: [clapping] Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour.
Gabe: I picked out our movie. It's called 'Suspiria'. It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.
Erin: When I win...
Gabe: Ooh.
Erin: We're gonna watch 'Wall-e', where all the boundaries of color are pushed.
Gabe: It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some 'Slumdog Millionaire' scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible.
Dwight: So what's your crazy business pipe dream?
Guy: Well, I started my own golf supply company.
Dwight: [unimpressed] Really?
Guy: It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.
Dwight: [quietly] Phyllis?
Phyllis: Hmm?
Dwight: Some of these people are for real.
Dwight: Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?
Andy: Really?
Darryl: Ahem!
Andy: Excuse me.
Dwight: I got it. I got it.
Andy: [turning towards Darryl] Hey, do you need a lozenge?
Darryl: [whispering] They're a bunch of jackals.
Andy: What?
Darryl: They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home.
Andy: [to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis]: Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.
Andy: Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. [to Michael and Holly] Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on?
Dwight: [whispering] You're gonna blow it.
Andy: Maybe. Only maybe.
Oscar: We got it! Wow! We got it!
Pam: Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself.
Oscar: Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes.
Erin: Yes.
Oscar: [pulls phone back] Ah. No! [laughing] [hands phone back]. Although I must say, I will have 'apoplexy' if you lose. Do you understand? 'Apoplexy' is what I will have.
Erin: Apoplexy.
Oscar: Yes.
Erin: Got it. [plays word] Oh, Oscar. Oscar?
Erin: I played 'ape.'
Jim: [on phone] I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.
Andy: Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so...
Michael: [as Mikanos] Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. [exits conference room] [normal voice] All, you have to close right now.
Andy: Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.
Michael: No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it.
Andy: Yeah, yeah.
Michael: Andy, what's the problem?
Andy: This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.
Michael: You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. [entering conference room] [as Mikanos] What is taking that guy so long?
Jim: Psst. You think this thing's gonna go much longer?
Pam: I don't know. They're still in there.
Jim: Ohh! Good-bye.
Pam: Stop. Out with it.
Pam: Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.
Jim: Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually.
Pam: And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group.
Jim: I was blue group, so it was second from the top.
Pam: And Tom...
Jim: Was in the green group.
Pam: And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence.
Jim: And that's what I told him.
Pam: Right. But how'd you say it?
Jim: My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with.'
Andy: Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now?
Older Woman: I'll take one.
Andy: Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? [younger guy raises hand] Sold! Anybody else? [older guy raises hand] Yes! All right!
Kelly: Yeah bitch.
Andy: Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.
Michael: [quietly] No, no, no.
Andy: But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime.
Kelly: Whoo!
Tom: Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?
Jim: Yeah, woah. [deeper voice] Yep, absolutely, go ahead.
Tom: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Tom: How's it goin'?
Jim: Pretty good.
Tom: It's been a while.
Jim: It has been, yeah.
Tom: So you work here, huh?
Jim: Sales.
Tom: Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. [laughs]
Jim: [laughs]
Tom: Cause you're so smart.
Jim: Oh, man. You remember that, huh?
Tom: Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius.
Jim: All right, good catch-up.
Tom: Yeah.
Jim: See ya.
Tom: Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?
Dwight: Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya.
Andy: Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em.
Holly: [with accent] Wonderful seminar!
Michael: [as Mikanos] Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on.
Holly: Michael, I should get back to work.
Michael: What? Come on. It's time for grapes. [regular voice] Real fun day.
Gabe: So, I won.
Erin: I know. You get to pick.
Gabe: Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch 'Wall-e'.
Erin: Yes?
Gabe: So I got us a compromise. This movie's called 'Hardware'. It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married...
Andy: Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it.
Erin: There's a 'Shrek' two?!
Andy: Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow.
Gabe: Nice guy.
Erin: Ohh. [laughs]


Kelly: Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement.
Erin: Oh my gosh!
Phyllis: Wow.
Kelly: Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground]
Meredith: Sweet! Free Ring!
Andy: Divorced?
Ryan: Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides.
Kelly: The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.
Pam: Wait. Can you back up? What's the story?
Kelly: We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot.
Ryan: It's not irrelevant. Details
Kelly: And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said...
Ryan and Kelly: I don't think I should be married to you anymore.
Kevin: What?
Andy: Sorry, when did you get married?
Kelly: Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right.
Andy: And you didn't invite any of us?
Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly: God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake.
Ryan: No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar: You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're ok with it. We agree it's fine if you got married.
Ryan: No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can!
Kelly: Ryan, I changed my mind.
Ryan: Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side?
Kelly: And who is on my side? [no one raises their hand]
Jim: All right. Bye.
Pam: Bye.
Jim: Let's Go!
Michael: Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?
Holly: For what?
Michael: You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
Holly: Don't you have a sales call to go on?
Michael: I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?
Holly: We don't know that.
Michael: Sure we do.
Holly: Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?
Michael: Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.
Holly: Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that.
Michael: Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree.
Holly: Well you don't have to agree.
Michael: Yes I do.
Holly: No you don't.
Michael: Yes I do.
Holly: No, you can have your own opinion.
Michael: I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.
Jim: He's going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with.
Pam: Aw you'll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny 'Jim' game.
Jim: That's it? That's all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today?
Pam: All right, what'd you do?
Jim: Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.
Pam: Where'd you put it?
Jim: Where'd I put what?
Michael: Let's go.
Jim: Oh, sorry gotta go.
Pam: Say it. Where?
Jim: Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer.
Pam: The fridge.
Jim: Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance.
Pam: The fridge, got it.
Jim: And the final clue...
Michael: Let's go!
Jim: You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine.
Pam: Bye.
Erin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.
Jim: Cheer up. We made a sale.
Michael: Just drive faster. I want to get back.
Jim: Well, I'm going the speed limit. So...
Michael: Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.
Jim: Someone's in a bad mood.
Michael: No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim?
Jim: Alright, let me turn on some music.
Michael: I need to pee.
Jim: No you don't.
Michael: Yeah, I do. My word against yours.
Jim: Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes.
Michael: What part of 'I need to pee' do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.
Jim: Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I'll pull over.
Michael: Well I hope I make it.
Jim: Hello?
Helen: Hi Jim, it's Helen.
Jim: Hey Helen. Is everything ok?
Helen: Everything is fine. Baby's fine. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about.
Jim: Ok...
Helen: A tiny thing. I locked her in the car.
Jim: What?
Helen: She's smiling. She's happy.
Jim: Oh my God.
Helen: Jim, I don't have a spare key.
Jim: Just stay there. I'll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out but I have to go because it's an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please?
Guy: [towards bathroom] Hello? [gives up and drives off]
Pam: This is Pam.
Jim: Hey it's me. So uh, don't worry. Everything's ok.
Pam: What's wrong?
Jim: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you?
Pam: Jim, what?
Jim: Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car.
Pam: Oh God! What?!
Jim: No no no it's ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She's laughing and she's happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra.
Pam: Ok. She's ok?
Jim: Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet.
Pam: Understood.
Jim: And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.
Pam: Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a 'Ask Pam Beasley'. ... Did the phone cut off?
Jim: Nope.
Pam: Alright, just call me after the doctor.
Jim: Ok. Bye.
Pam: Bye.
Michael: I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted.
Attendant: No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away.
Michael: There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!
Attendant: Just make it quick.
Michael: Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it?
Attendant: You don't know it.
Michael: You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number.
Attendant: He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away.
Michael: Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Ok.
Holly: It's the gas station on Benet Street?
Pam: Yeah.
Holly: Ok.
Erin: You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go?
Holly: Oh no no no. I'll be fine.
Erin: It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along.
Dwight: Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.
Pam: Cute. [enters office area] Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good.
Oscar: Which on in particular?
Andy: Yeah, which one?
Pam: Well the first one has a surprise factor. 'I'm a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!'
Andy: Boo-yea! [office laughs]
Gabe: No no. No no no.
Pam: But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line.
Oscar: You suppose?
Darryl: What's it say?
Oscar: I'm suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again.'
Gabe: Ok. [office laughs] No no no.
Kevin: Red gloves.
Darrly: Keep it real.
Pam: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.
Darryl: And I will take you all down.
Andy: You?
Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.
Andy: Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton.
Pam: Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea. Ok, it will just take me ten minutes.
Andy: Woo-hoo.
Kevin: I can't wait.
Dwight: Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial.
Erin: He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox.
Attendant: Yeah, he just left.
Holly: Which way did he go?
Dwight: Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.
Holly: Oh really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?
Attendant: She's right. He went that way.
Dwight: Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. [Dwight and Erin low-five] Let's ride.
Michael: [at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously.
Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Dwight: Has Michael checked in?
Pam: Oh, hey Dwight.
Dwight: I asked you a question.
Pam: No, he hasn't.
Dwight: Goodbye.
Pam: No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought...
Dwight: Pam, this isn't a shopping trip.
Erin: No.
Dwight: This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.
Pam: Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out...
Dwight: Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up.
Pam: Ok, well it wasn't obvious so... [phone hangs up]
Dwight: No word from Michael.
Holly: Oh.
Pam: Ta-da!
Kevin: Ok, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island.
Oscar: Ok. I got one.
Pam: Yeah?
Oscar: Yes!
Gabe: Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down.
Office: Boo!
Meredith: Why?
Gabe: Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed.
Darryl: Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.
Gabe: Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for.
Oscar: Irony is such a critical...
Gabe: Number two: no pop culture references.
Pam: Seriously?
Oscar: Wow.
Gabe: I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.
Darryl: Wrap it up, Gabe.
Gabe: Ok final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre.
Gabe: Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day.
Gabe: Go get 'em. Start quipin'.
Oscar: Pam, I think I'm going to send you an IM.
Pam: Oh! Ok.
Darryl: Send me one too.
Andy: Yeah, yeah. Put me on that.
Phyllis: C.C
Kevin: Ditto.
Michael: Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog.
Hot Dog Guy: I'm not a pawn shop.
Michael: Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
Hot Dog Guy: Wow.
Michael: With that I can buy... half the menu.
Hot Dog Guy: I can't just go giving away hot dogs.
Michael: All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell?
Hot Dog Guy: Throw 'em away.
Michael: Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?
Hot Dog Guy: No.
Michael: Okay. You've just lost my business.
Dwight: Hey.
Erin: Hey, you were in there forever.
Dwight: There's too many brands. Where's Holly?
Erin: She wandered off like an idiot.
Dwight: Hey!
Holly: Hey.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Holly: Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now.
Cell Phone Sales Person: Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original.
Holly: What?
Cell Phone Sales Person: You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
Dwight: Tootenbacher.
Erin: Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that...
Dwight and Erin: farts popcorn.
Dwight: Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?
Holly: Are their egg rolls really that big?
Michael: Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?
Waiter: No problem.
Michael: Okay. I'll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people.
Waiter: So you can't pay for your food?
Michael: Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing.
Waiter: You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much.
Michael: Well the number three is not such a giant feast.
Waiter: [calling to the back] Mr. Chu!
Micahel: Okay, all right. You know what?
Waiter: You were trying to steal food from us?
Michael: I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now.
Waiter: You can't. We'll stop you.
Michael: Well, I think I can get through the door.
Dwight: Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian...
Erin: [point to picture] It's Michael!
Waiter: He just left.
Erin: You knew.
Holly: What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying?
Dwight: Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know?
Waiter: I think he was heading downtown.
Dwight: He's heading downtown.
Gabe: So what, no one's even gonna try?
Pam: Guess not.
Gabe: Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive.
Darryl: You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. [notification tone] [laughter]
Gabe: Hey...
Stanley: [whispers] Click the 'x'
Phyllis: [whispers] I'm clicking!
Stanley: In the box.
Phyllis: I am clicking.
Stanley: Woman, you've had a computer for years!
Andy: Phyllis!
Gabe: Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don't want to be your babysitter.
Andy: Oooohhh.
Gabe: Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.' [laughter]
Kevin: Nice!
Gabe: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.
Andy: Do the next one.
Gabe: Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.'
Darryl: Dreaming he's a dog on a island.
Gabe: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?
Phyllis: Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?
Gabe: Umm... 'You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here.' Ha.
Oscar: That's tasteless, Gabe.
Gabe: Tasteless?
Oscar: Tasteless.
Gabe: More tasteless than this...'is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it.' [laughter]
Pam: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.
Phyllis: Yes.
Kevin: Yes, well done!
Oscar: Who's is it? Who wrote that?
Phyllis: Yeah, who wrote it?
Angela: Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.
Erin: Where did he go, Holly?
Holly: I have no idea.
Dwight: Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, 'this way, this way'?
Holly: I don't know.
Dwight: Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you!
Holly: Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all.
Dwight: All right then. Someone propose a plan.
Erin: Okay. We fan out...
Dwight: Not you, Erin.
Holly: Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let's just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below.
Dwight: That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.
Holly: Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him.
Erin: Good. We don't need her.
Dwight: Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling.
Holly: [walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael] Michael?
Michael: Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here?
Holly: What are you doing up here?
Michael: I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.
Holly: Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much.
Holly: I missed you too.
Michael: Really?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Can I kiss you?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Okay.
Phyllis: Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading.
Gabe: Uh, it was.
Meredith: Maybe it wasn't.
Gabe: Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe.'
Andy: Oh! [laughter]
Phyllis: No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going.
Gabe: I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull[bleep]. [laughter] 'Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo.'
Andy: [laughs]
Gabe: Gabe's mom... hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her.'
Phyllis: Yeah, there you go. [laughter]


Pam: Hey. How you doing?
Darryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot.
Pam: Yeah.
Darryl: She was about to turn 97.
Pam: At least she lived a very long and I'm sure, a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.
Darryl: Thank you. 'Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted.' 'Have fun today, big guy.' 'Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop.'
Pam: It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday.
Darryl: Hooray. Live it up big D. ' 'Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this'?
Andy: Birthday punches! [softly punching Darryl in the stomach] One two three four five sice seven eight!
Pam: I'm so sorry.
Darryl: [tears welling up in his eyes]
Andy: ...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...
Andy: ...So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and I'm taking Rachel. She's picking me up after work.
Darryl: Rachel from the party?
Andy: Oh, yeah!
Darryl: Nice. Do the damn thing. - Pow! [they fist bump and explode]
Phyllis: Blue Wasabi is so good, but get the cheeseburger. They say they won't do it, but they will if you make a scene.
Holly: Okay, bye. Okay, bye. [kisses Michael] I'll miss you.
Michael: Miss you. Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me.
Holly: Bye.
Michael: Okay, bye. Bye. All right, bye. Bye... bye.
Holly: Okay, one more quick one.
Michael: Don't go. I don't want you to go. Oh don't go. Don't go.
Michael: Holly and I are dating. It's been a week, and I still can't believe it. [sighs] It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can't work for it. It just comes to you.
Gabe: And what do we have here?
Erin: From my secret admirer. That's you!
Gabe: Come on.
Gabe: I dominate Valentine's Day. I practically make romance into a science.
Erin: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue.' Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic scavenger hunt!
Gabe: Oh, close. It's a romantic treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse. Good luck.
Erin: But, there's no clue.
Gabe: Well, get to work.
Erin: I can't, 'cause there's no clue.
Gabe: The puzzle is the clue.
Erin: Oh.
Oscar: [clears throat]
Michael: [rubbing hands with Holly] Are these numbers correct?
Oscar: The numbers are correct, Michael.
Michael: Okay.
Oscar: [clears throat more loudly]
Michael: Are you... are you sick, Oscar? Do you need to go home? 'Cause you're grossing me out.
Oscar: I jus... I just need a signature.
Jim: [getting out of a taxi] There you go. Thanks.
Pam: How much did you give him?
Jim: Big tip.
Pam: Wait. I don't have my scarf.
Jim: What?
Pam: I'm missing my scarf. Oh. [both laugh]
Jim: We decided to have a Valentine's day lunch and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece and avoid the Valentine's day dinner thing. It's a whole thing.
Pam: [loudly] Yeah, lunch was wonderful!
Jim: Shh.
Pam: Um, there was an amazing buffet and there was a chocolate fondue... station. And what else was there?
Jim: Um, bottomless champagne.
Pam: Yes. Never found that bottom, did we?
Jim: No.
Erin: Psst! Psst!
Andy: What's up?
Erin: Are you good at jigsaw puzzles?
Andy: Are you kidding me? It's all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing.
Erin: Okay.
Andy: But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe, I should probably...
Erin: Oh! No, no, no, no. It's not weird at all. You have your new girlfriend. I have Gabe. This is just as friends.
Andy: Well, okay then.
Erin: Yes!
Andy: At least until Stanley calms down.
Erin: Oh, is he...
Andy: D...d...d...d...don't look. I accidentally did his Sudoku. [Stanley glares at Andy]
Erin: Andy.
Jim: [on phone] All right, I will fax over it to you. Whoop. I will fax it over to you. Okay. Thank you. [chuckles]
Dwight: Okay, my name is j...j...j...j...j...j...j...j Jim Halpert and I will fax it in to you... under you. I'll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just p...p...p...p pissed my pants. Not really. I didn't really. [clears throat]
Jim: [goes to hand Dwight a valentines card] Wait.
Dwight: You're just filling that out right now. That wasn't meant for me. I will not be your Valentine.
Jim: Aww, nuts. [laughs]
Angela: I don't know if anyone else feels this way and don't get me wrong, I love Michael and Holly, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but... the PDA.
Oscar: Yes! The freaking PDA!
Angela: Uh-huh.
Oscar: Thank you! I mean, I'm thrilled for them.
Angela: No one is more thrilled for them than I am...
Oscar: Yes, yes, absolutely.
Angela: ...but it's totally inappropriate.
Darryl: Yeah, it's a little much.
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Darryl: Obviously, so happy for them both.
Oscar: So happy. Yeah.
Kevin: I don't know, guys. I, for one, enjoy watching them, because...
Angela: No, stop! Just don't.
Oscar: Kevin!
Kevin: Can I finish? Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying...I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny.
Everyone: [groans]
Angela: God! Kevin!
Erin: So tell me about your new girlfriend.
Andy: She's neat. Uh, I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.
Erin: Aww, cute.
Andy: Hey, look at that. Done.
Erin: That's Gabe's boom box. Come on. We have to go find it.
Andy: I wish you well on your quest.
Erin: No, come on.
Andy: Aww, I mean...
Erin: [growling] Come on!
Andy: Okay.
Erin: Ha!
Gabe: [to Toby] I hear them kissing all the time. It's this horrible plipping sound. You know, it's like Chinese water torture. Just...[makes popping sound] like it's coming from my own head.
Michael: Sit. Okay, just close your eyes. [massaging Holly's back]
Holly: Ohh. Can you get lower?
Michael: Oh, yeah.
Holly: A little lower.
Holly: I cannot keep myself from Michael. Everything he does is sexy. He has this undeniable animal magnetism. He's a jungle cat. The man exudes sex. He can put both his legs behind his head.
Gabe: Thank you all for meeting on such sort notice.
Michael: [clears throat]
Gabe: Yes?
Michael: [sitting in Holly's lap] Yes. Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. What is the purpose of this meeting?
Gabe: Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, I felt it would be apropos to have a little refresher course on romance in the workplace.
Michael: Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on.
Gabe: First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something you'd expect to hear from corporate. Well, guess what. Sabre is 100% tolerant of office romances.
Ryan: Speaking of, Gabe, I don't see Erin at this meeting.
Meredith: Uh, I also don't see Andy.
Kevin: Oooh.
Jim: OOH! Boom! Face!
Gabe: I get it. Andy's slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of, however, is public displays of affection, or PDAs. PDAs are totally superfluous to a happy, healthy office romance. Perfect example. Look at Jim and Pam.
Pam: Yeah. What? Us?
Gabe: They don't touch. They don't kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife.
Jim: Did it!
Pam: Yeah!
Jim: Love it. Keep it goin.
Gabe: Okay. So, PDAs. That's gonna include behaviors such as hugging, kissing, uh...
Kevin: Booby honking.
Gabe: Yeah, booby honking. Sure.
Kevin: Butt honking.
Gabe: Butt honking. Yeah, all the honking.
Creed: The one where you start in a crouches position, then you leap...
Gabe: Sure. Basically, there's no precise definition, but you know it when you see it. Ahem.
Oscar: Are you guys listening to this?
Michael: What, are you talking about me and Holly?
Pam: Yeah!
Gabe: Maybe you find your own chair.
Holly: So we kiss occasionally.
Oscar: Not occasionally. All the time.
Phyllis: Yeah, and it's not just the kissing. It's the flirtatious whispering.
Stanley: The flirtatious tickling.
Michael: Whispering and tickling have their place in business.
Darryl: That thing were you softly exhale on her neck.
Michael: I... Okay, yeah, that's pretty hot. I will give you that. Look, you are all hypocrites. You all do it.
Dwight: Michael. Confession: I have done PDA in the office.
Michael: Thank you.
Dwight: I've had intercourse in the office.
Michael: All right.
Dwight: As has Angela!
Angela: Dwight!
Dwight: As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed. [Creed smiles and nods] As has Michael and as has Holly.
Kevin: As has Kevin!
Angela: With who?
Kevin: She goes to another school.
Michael: Okay. Fine. No more PDA.
Oscar: Good.
Michael: You win. But here's what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone.
Angela: No.
Michael: Anything goes.
Oscar: Just leave it how you said...
Dwight: Michael, that's absurd. What if two couples want to go at the same time?
Michael: Okay, then we have two closets. No, no, we're gonna have three closets, one for each base, no homers. Yes?
Dwight: And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation?
Michael: Pro.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: What? Problem solved.
Michael: No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises.
Pam: That's weird. I mean, that's weird to have sex in the office. That's where you work, right?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: You know, you're in a meeting, and nobody knows that you've had sex there, except for you and him.
Jim: [snorts] Ew.
Erin: Don't mind us. You keep working.
Darryl: Okay. I'll keep working.
Erin: Oh, my God. It's a song.
Andy: Whoa.
Erin: What do you think is on it?
Andy: [softy] We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad.
Erin: [softly] Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us.
Andy: I think he can hear us.
Andy: [softly] That makes sense, 'cause I feel like I'd be able to hear us at this level.
Erin: Darryl.
Andy: Darryl is a jerk.
Erin: No, he's not.
Andy: No, I'm just testing if he can hear.
Darryl: I can hear you.
Andy: Oh. Okay.
Erin: Okay. Then no more talking. Let's just play the song.
Boom Box: [Gabe singing] The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night.
Andy: The temp at night?
Erin: What do you...
Darryl: You got it. Pick it up. Take it out.
Andy: Pi...
Darryl: Pick it up.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Take it out.
Andy: Right. Okay.
Holly: Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to collect my things.
Michael: Ah, the old 'leave behind.' Oldest trick in the book. Good thing it's working.
Holly: Oh, no. Michael, I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Michael: Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean, I don't... I don't sit on your lap because it's comfortable. I sit on your lap because I like the way your thighs feel on my butt.
Holly: Yeah, but if they're uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.
Michael: Oh. Okay. Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, then we'll stop.
Holly: Okay.
Michael: Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
Michael: Hey, you know why people here are complaining? They are jealous of two people in love on Valentine's Day.
Holly: Two people in love?
Michael: I love you.
Holly: Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you love me? We've only been dating for a week. Do you mean you love me like, 'oh, hey, there's Holly. I love that girl.' Or you do you mean you love me like you love me-love me?
Michael: I love you-love you.
Holly: Wow, you love me-love me. I love you-love you. [both laugh]
Michael: I am really disappointed in the office's policy on PDA at this moment. I love you. [shakes Holly's hand]
Holly: I love you.
Michael: Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me.
Andy: Okay, Ryan's the temp. What does he do at night?
Erin: I guess we just have to wait until night and see.
Andy: Oh, or maybe not. [turns out the lights]
Erin: [gasps] Oh. Cool.
Andy: How romantic is this?
Erin: Super romantic.
Andy: Right. Do you see a clue or...
Erin: Yeah. Did you not see it? ['Eat at Hanks' is written in glow-in-the-dark letters above the door]
Andy: Oh, my gosh.
Erin: Hanks.
Jim and Pam: Hey!
Andy and Erin: [bursting out of Ryan's closet] Hey.
Andy: No time to chat.
Erin: Sorry.
Jim: Well, we were just looking for Ryan, so he's not here.
Ryan: Hey. You're looking for me?
Pam: Oh, yeah, we were. We were just looking to say hi. So hey.
Ryan: No you weren't.
Pam: No, we weren't.
Ryan: You wanted to have sex in my office.
Pam: No.
Jim: Definitely not. That's disgusting.
Ryan: No. It's... it's cool. Just try to put everything back were you found it. Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here.
Jim: Hey, you don't have to...
Pam: That was so embarrassing. I'm gonna die.
Jim: That was really rough.
Pam: Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office.
Jim: No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place.
Pam: Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed.
Jim: And a shower.
Michael: Hello, Holly.
Holly: Hello.
Michael: Here, shake. No!
Holly: No, don't touch.
Michael: No, we can't.
Holly: No touching.
Michael: No touching. Ah, I'm trying not to touch you.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: Oh.
Holly: Almost got you.
Michael: Oh, no, so close. Oh. No, we can't do that. We can't do this. Ohh.
Holly: You're not touching me.
Michael: I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it.
Oscar: Okay, this is much worse than before.
Kevin: Yeah, I agree. This is nasty.
Michael: Grab you here.
Holly: And here.
Michael: I will grab you here anyway. [laughs]
Gabe: You have to cut it out.
Holly: Okay.
Michael: Never.
Holly: You said you would.
Michael: I did say I would, but I was wrong. I can't stop. You don't what it is like to love a woman and have her love you back. It is a feeling that cannot and will not, and frankly, cannot be contained.
Gabe: No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two, it's reaching the level of a complex. I can think of three explanations. One: You're taking MDMA. Street name, ecstasy. I've done it, and I know the feeling.
Holly: No, I don't think so.
Gabe: Number two: You're desperately trying to fit in a whole relationship before Toby comes back from jury duty and Holly has to go back to Nashua. Or three: You're at an age where your sexual climaxes aren't as powerful so you need to overcompensate with foreplay, taboo behavior.
Michael: Yes, it was that. It's that one.
Holly: Yes. Number three.
Holly: Give me all your money and take off your clothes.
Michael: We're not supposed to PDA.
Holly: Come one. Nobody's looking. What's wrong?
Michael: I haven't thought about you having to go back to Nashua.
Holly: Maybe we didn't want to think about it. We can make it work. We'll date long-distance.
Michael: That's what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. How's this gonna be any different?
Holly: We weren't in love last time.
Michael: I was in love with you.
Holly: I'm not saying it won't be hard. But we can make it work. That's what she said.
Michael: [chuckles, sighs]
Erin: Oh. One Erin Special, please.
Hank: Here's your bottle of sparkling cider.
Andy: Hey.
Erin: [laughs] That's my favorite.
Hank: I'm now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mind-hunt break and look for a heart or some [bleep] in the break room when you're through.
Kevin: [through the window at Michael] Hey, buck up, buddy!
Darryl: Make that face he likes.
Dwight: Hey. Hey. Come on. You're hurting him.
Michael: It's like a time bomb...
Dwight: Shh.
Michael: ...is ticking down. When it goes off, no more kissing. No more hugging.
Dwight: Just hush.
Michael: Sexual time bomb.
Dwight: Just rock. Shh.
Michael: [into recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera.
Dwight: Movie idea?
Michael: No. [into recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard.
Dwight: Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap.
Michael: No, I can't talk to her. I can't even look at her without thinking about it ending.
Dwight: Kevin! Do more stupid faces.
Kevin: Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces.
Dwight: I don't know.
Michael: Do the monkey face.
Dwight: Do the monkey face!
Michael: I love that. I love that face.
Dwight: Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down.
Michael: No. The monkey!
Dwight: Go back to the monkey!
Michael: Don't do the squirrel. Throw your poop.
Dwight: Hurl your feces.
Michael: That's good.
Dwight: Good.
Michael: That's good. He's throwing it.
Dwight: They really do that.
Michael: I know.
Erin: [at vending machine] B-9.
Andy: B-9.
Erin: Like a benign tumor.
Andy: Maybe it's just more like, 'be mine.'
Erin: Oh, yes. There's a note. 'A little cookie for you, my miss. But the real treasure is your Valentine's kiss.'
Andy: Mm.
Erin: Mm. Oh. We're suppose to...mmm [leans in to kiss Andy]
Andy: Hmm. [points to Gabe blowing a kiss to Erin]
Michael: Holly. Hey.
Holly: Hi.
Michael: Holly, I love you so, so, so much. And I think we need to break up.
Holly: What? What are you talking about?
Michael: Actually, it's Valentine's Day. Shouldn't be doing this today. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Holly: No, we're gonna talk now. You're not breaking up with me.
Michael: You're gonna go back to Nashua eventually, and I can't handle it. So let's just...let's...
Holly: What if I said it wasn't up to them?
Michael: Who?
Holly: The company. Nobody knows our future, but it's not gonna be decided by the company. It's not gonna be decided by anybody but us. What we are is up to you and me.
Michael: Okay. Okay.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. As of today, officially, Holly and I are moving into together. Yay! [claps] Thank you. Thank you. Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend!
Oscar: Are you kidding? I wasn't trying to break you guys up.
Kevin: Better luck next time, pal.
Michael: Well, the point is, there will no longer be any need for PDA here at the office between us because, when we get home, we are going to make love to and with one another, and that, to me, is the best Valentine's Day present that a person could receive. So I bid you all adieu.
Holly: You do?
Michael: I do.
Oscar: Go on. Kiss each other already. [they kiss]
Kevin: Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you.
Oscar: I just told them to do it!
Jim: What?
Pam: No.
Jim: No. We took a walk.
Pam: We took a walk.
Dwight: My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.
Ryan: Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.
Kelly: Flowers, diamonds, three-course meal, violinist comes to my table to serenade me...
Kevin: Pizza, soda, the moon, someone to share it with.
Michael: What are our plans for tonight? Umm...
Holly: [imitates a squeaky bed] [laughter]


Michael: After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.
Michael: Erin... what are you doing?
Erin: Guys! Guys. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it.
Michael: That's... That's. Well, don't put words in my mouth.
Jim: Threat Level: Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott.
Pam: We're all in it, from like years and years ago. It's like a home movie.
Jim: Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie!
Pam: Michael screened a work in progress for us, years ago, and it didn't go well. We thought it was a comedy. [flashback clip of Michael angrily leaving the conference room while the whole office is laughing at the tv] Everything pointed to it being a comedy.
Pam: We'd love to see it!
Michael: Sweet, I will go invite Holly.
Pam: Okay everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive, so let's stay positive! And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy and we'll have a pure fun day! Okay?
Creed: Thanks mom.
Holly: You never told me you made a movie.
Michael: Mhmm! It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom.
Holly: It's got you.
Michael: It's got a lot of me.
Holly: [laughs] I can't wait.
Michael: Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Midnight. [applause]
Dwight: I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- [robot impression] to be like this! [normally] But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.
Michael: Dwight does not play a robot.
Daryl: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it'd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.
Jim: I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.
Dwight: He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?
Jan: He finished his movie? [frantically trying to open her car door, as if trying to get away from the camera crew] No kidding. Wow, that's great. Yeah that's good for him.
Michael: By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story.
Michael: That was not scripted.
Karen: Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?
Jim: [cracking up at the stupidity of it, the rest of the office besides Michael and Holly are concealing their laughter. Pam Is trying to quiet Jim up] Sorry.
Michael: [turns off the movie from the remote, the office complains]
Jim: I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I think I was just relieved, to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back.
Kelly: Yeah Michael the movie is amazing!
Kevin: It's like one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life.
Ryan: You should enter it in festivals!
Kevin: Or carnivals!
Michael: [to Holly] Well that's a... pretty good reaction. [Holly nods] Pretty cool, right? Did you like it? Did you like that?
Holly: Uh... which part?
Michael: Okay. [Stands up and leaves the conference room to the dismay of the office] No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough...
Andy: Some people are really popping on screen!
Michael: Hey.
Holly: Hey! Good movie.
Michael: Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great!
Holly: I loved it.
Michael: Did you? What did you love about it?
Holly: Uhm, I loved that you got to work together with all your friends. Isn't that great when you can all work together like that?
Michael: No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly.
Holly: Uhm...
Michael: Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded.
Holly: Not worried about that.
Michael: [angrily] It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream.
Holly: Wha- It's your dream and you never even mentioned it before!
Michael: I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus.
Holly: Well why do you have to make a movie at all?
Michael: Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing.
Holly: Really, you can't think of anything else that you might have?
Michael: I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.
Holly: I'm real.
Michael: Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you.
Holly: I love you too.
Michael: I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans.
Michael: Who likes Threat Level: Midnight? [applause from the office] Okay then who wants to watch the rest?! [everyone yells approval]
Michael: We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states.
Jim: [he office shushes Michael to hear the movie better] That's fine, it's great!
Michael: No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they [chuckles], they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there. [Michael stands up, clearly realizing that his movie is not as great as he thought]
Michael: Hey...
Holly: Hey, I'm sorry. It is good.
Michael: No it's not. [kisses Holly while smiling] It's not. But, they really seem to be enjoying it.
Michael: [laughs at the stupidity]
Michael: Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.
Andy: [the office cheers] Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isn't the president evil?
Michael: Oh yeah! [laughs] Yes he is!
Dwight: No no, he's doing it to catch the president!
Michael: No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid. [the office laughs]


Dwight: I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals.
Kevin: You're eating eight year old tomatoes?
Dwight: They're still good for another week.
Meredith: You know, I think I have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like. [Jim smiles]
Kevin: I've got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes. [all laugh]
Dwight: Hardy har har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound, you beg, Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?
Jim: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging.
Dwight: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.
Jim: Three months.
Dwight: Could be.
Jim: Four months.
Dwight: I can see that happening, yes.
Jim: Eight months?
Dwight: That's a realistic time line.
Jim: [Pam kisses Jim on the cheek] Eleven months.
Dwight: Perhaps.
Jim: Okay now really think hard about this one: One year.
Dwight: I can see that as a very real possibility.
Jim: [time has obviously passed, as everyone is gone except Jim and Dwight] Four hundred and ninety-four months?
Dwight: I can see that happening.
Jim: Four hundred and ninety-FIVE months. That's just...
Todd: I really though I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses.
Michael: Still not seeing the problem here.
Todd: All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, game-over!
Michael: It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who's here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly.
Holly: [walks into conference room with Michael and Todd] Hi!
Michael: Hi. [Holly and Michael kiss]
Holly: You must be Todd.
Todd: [shaking Holly's hand] Whoa! I'm sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston!
Holly: [laughs oddly] Very funny. Okay let's get started.
Todd: After you!
Michael: Oh, Michael! This'll be just us.
Michael: Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots.
Holly: All right.
Michael: And it also helps if you've had five shots.
Holly: I already have.
Michael: Whoa!
Jim: [to Michael] Why is Packer back?
Michael: Is Packer here?
Dwight: Why's he talking to Holly?
Michael: [peering into conference room] Don't know, don't care.
Holly: [to Todd] Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves.
Todd: [excitedly] Oh!
Michael: [sees Holly and Todd shaking hands in the conference room] Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms.
Kevin: Yes!
Jim: What!?
Todd: It's great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do!
Kevin: Nice! We got burned!
Michael: You did! You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.
Dwight: [seething] Holly, you approved this?
Holly: Yes I did, I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff.
Jim: You did approve it?
Holly: Yeah.
Kevin: What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you don't know what the word approved means.
Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.
Erin: [walking in with Gabe behind her] Sorry we're late. Gabe fell in the shower.
Gabe: I'm such a klutz!
Erin: Yeah, it took the fire department forever to get there. [realizing there's a new computer at her desk. Gets very excited] Oh my God, where did this come from?! Who did this?!
Pam: I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don't wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number is one! [laughs sheepishly] Right?
Erin: Thank you Pam.
Pam: Awwh, you're welcome. [they hug] My pleasure.
Jim: [Pam walks over to him and smiles excitedly while bouncing, Jim imitates her] Can I do something for ya?
Pam: I just helped someone out. It feels good.
Jim: Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so...
Pam: So you know the feeling.
Michael: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight: I didn't order anything.
Michael: And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around and wait for Creed to die.
Dwight: Well there's a lot of seats in the annex.
Michael: So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here. [Jim looks appalled]
Todd: Thanks man, it'd mean a lot.
Dwight: I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael.
Todd: well I was there for twelve years. Plus my name's carved under the desk.
Dwight: No it is not.
Todd: Is too!
Michael: [Grunting as he crawls under Dwight's desk. Dwight follows] Let's look at this.
Todd: Check it out!
Dwight: I don't wanna move desks!
Michael: Don't be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! [Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk.
Jim: Do I have any say in this?!
Michael: No!
Todd: [grunting while humping Michael and Dwight] Don't even watch, Halpert!
Dwight: [in the annex, moving into his new desk. Holds up a red tray with rocks on it] Hey, who's dirt box is this?
Holly: Oh, that's our Zen garden.
Dwight: What do you grow in here, bullcrap? [puts the tray into the garbage]
Pam: [walking into the annex with Jim] Hey, um...
Holly: Hey, what's up guys?
Meredith: Don't what's up us! You think you're so cute, with your pretty blonde hair!
Jim: Whoa, pull it back. Uhm, why did you hire Todd Packer?
Holly: Uhm.
Pam: He's seriously awful!
Holly: Michael's recommendation was glowing! And, honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me!
Meredith: That's how he gets you to take off his panties.
Jim: [Pam starts nodding in agreement] Why are you nodding?
Pam: United front...
Holly: Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan: Right this isn't the U.S. Government.
Kelly: What are you referencing?
Ryan: [seems unsure] Everything... Everything.
Holly: Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he's done?
Jim: Well, I mean he humped Michael.
Holly: Well if that's the case, I guess I've gotta be fired too. [all groan in disgust]
Andy: [looking at his computer, gasps] Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! [no one moves] Check it out! This guy's on a full beam reach. [watching a sailing video on his computer] They're hiking out like mad! Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Nice job! Ughh. [computer is frozen, taps the top of it] This computer's a hunk of jjunk.
Erin: Hey sailor! Come watch it over here! [pats her new computer]
Andy: Where did you get this?!
Erin: Pam gave it to me!
Andy: This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! [to Pam, in a fake British accent] Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them?
Pam: You have a computer Andy.
Andy: Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So...
Pam: Ok, but listen. We just don't have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.
Andy: Well Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but...
Pam: Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.
Stanley: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?
Andy: I'm not asking for one, I need it.
Phyllis: If you're just handing them out, I want one too.
Andy: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.
Pam: See, this is what I'm talking about.
Andy: What are you gonna play mange on faster?
Pam: Sorry Andy.
Todd: Hey what's going on you guys? [walking into the kitchen with Holly, Dwight, and Kevin, with whom he fist bumps] Yeahh! Three muska-queers!
Kevin: [giggling] Mean but good!
Holly: So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter.
Todd: I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom. [Holly is un-amused]
Holly: Well, some girls go through a phase.
Kevin: Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book!
Todd: Since when did you learn how to read?
Kevin: I do know how to read though!
Todd: Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!
Kevin: [Todd leaves. Kevin laughs uncertainly] He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.
Dwight: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer.
Pam: [walking through the office, notices Andy with Erin's computer set up at his desk] What the heck! Why do you have Erin's computer!
Andy: It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched.
Pam: What? Erin is that true?
Erin: [nods] I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one.
Pam: Erin, it's not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It's not yours to give away.
Andy: Pam, when I'm freaking out, I just sorta step back and-
Pam: I'm not freaking out, Andy.
Andy: #NAME?
Pam: Andy, why should she have your crappy computer?
Andy: That's interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy.
Pam: Switch the computers back Andy.
Andy: Seriously?
Pam: Seriously.
Andy: Pam! Come on!
Pam: Now please.
Andy: Fine! [the office goes back to their work] Please make sure no one is humping me!
Erin: [to Holly who is walking by] Oh! If you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. [picks up an ant farm and tube of ants from her desk, Holly takes them] Thanks.
Michael: Best day ever. Best day ever!
Holly: So much happening. [not as excited as Michael]
Michael: Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?
Holly: No! No.
Michael: Please.
Holly: Did Todd tell you to do that?
Michael: Yeah, You love him right? [Holly seems unsure] You love him. I can tell.
Holly: I love you.
Michael: No. Not me, him.
Holly: That's certainly opinionated.
Erin: [looking anxious] If you're not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself.
Holly: Oh I'm going.
Michael: Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he's funnier than you? Oh honey...
Holly: I don't think he's funnier than me.
Michael: He's funnier than me.
Holly: No, he's not funny at all.
Michael: So I'm less funny than not funny at all?
Erin: [very anxious at this point] Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other!
Holly: No, what I'm saying is, he's not funny, but you're funnier than he is.
Michael: [seems taken aback] Uhm...
Holly: Ok: Bill Cosby [puts the ant tube high up. Each time she mentions a name it gets lower], Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here [tube takes a jump to the bottom] Todd Packer.
Michael: That's insane!
Holly: Honey, he's a jerk.
Erin: [getting up and walking towards them, worriedly] For Pete's sake it just needs to be done! [takes the ant farm and tube from Holly and heads towards the annex]
Todd: [to Jim] So you two are married to each other now, right?
Jim: Yeah.
Todd: That's sweet. How's the sex?
Jim: [continues working]
Dwight: [walks towards Todd] Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate.
Todd: Why?
Dwight: Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.
Jim: That's a lot of reasons! [suspicious]
Dwight: Drink it!
Todd: I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viva A Fox. [winks]
Jim: [interrupts Dwight trying to force feed Todd] Can I talk to you a second?
Jim: So, this hot chocolate thing.
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: Well, you know you can't actually poison him.
Dwight: It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this.
Jim: I really think we should join forces on this one.
Dwight: Really.
Jim: What do we think, what would drive him crazy.
Dwight: I know.
Jim: Here we go.
Dwight: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.
Jim: You've gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can't get to them.
Dwight: [mocking] Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?
Jim: Okay! Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number.
Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: He... It's a crime fighting beaver.
Dwight: Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Jim: Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred.
Dwight: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over.
Andy: Pam. Can I talk to you in private?
Pam: I don't know if there's really a private place in this office.
Andy: Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago.
Pam: [looking confused] You did that?
Andy: Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we're a little late.
Pam: Okay. [walks to conference room with Andy and stares at the sign up sheet with wonder] When did people sign-
Andy: Mind if I close the door? [after shutting door in the conference room] What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool.
Pam: Well what was I supposed to do, let you walk all over me?
Andy: You humiliated me in front of every body!
Pam: Okay, well I didn't think about it like that. It's just, I can't do anything about it. I can't replace that one unless that computer breaks.
Andy: I mean, it's pretty broken already.
Pam: Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one.
Andy: [looks at her knowingly] Pretty sneaky sis. [knocking on conference room door]
Ryan: [walking in] Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve. [Pam and Andy exit as Ryan and others holding saxophones walk in, Pam looks at the sign up sheet in awe]
Dwight: [to Jim, the two are alone in the annex] There are over four hundred of these! [indicating a packet of paper]
Jim: Yeah I couldn't cut it down.
Dwight: They're all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point-
Jim: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?
Dwight: Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. [Dwight tries to open up a drawer on his desk but it only goes out two inches] Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going.
Andy: [Andy is seen clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard, puts bologna with mustard in his CD drive, and many other computer harming things] Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? [mock baby voice] Oh I hope you don't get sick Mr. Computer. [computer voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? [normal voice again] Because I hate your programs!
Todd: [at Hank's with Michael, talking to Hank] And a '76 that's good to boot, I like that. [Hank smiles]
Michael: And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter. [Hank looks irritated again]
Todd: Why?
Michael: I don't know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin.
Todd: Holly said that?
Michael: Yeah.
Holy: She was laughing hysterically that whole time!
Michael: I guess you said something weird about your daughter?
Todd: She asked me, Michael! It would've been rude not to answer.
Michael: You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls.
Todd: Michael, can I open the kamomo with you. I've been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers.
Michael: No it isn't.
Todd: You're right. I gotta watch my behavior.
Michael: Yeah, a little bit.
Todd: Don't give up on me.
Michael: I won't.
Michael: [Michael and Todd are walking into the office] Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here.
Kevin: I got a lot of numbers here to put together.
Michael: Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed.
Kevin: That's silly. If anything, I should be apologizing to Packer. Because we all know I can dish it, as good as I can take it.
Michael: Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn't be apologizing to Packer. That doesn't make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines.
Todd: I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.
Kevin: Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show.
Michael: Kevin, do you accept the apology?
Kelly: Don't do it Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology.
Michael: Okay, go back to the annex.
Kelly: This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it Kevin.
Ryan: [muttering] Sometimes you over react.
Oscar: Michael how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one.
Todd: Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you are a genius.
Michael: That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. [Andy looks confused and shrugs] Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-
Angela: [cutting in] No! Don't!
Michael: I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us!
Pam: [in a car with Andy, by the dumpster you can see a new computer box] So listen, we have to really scuff this up.
Andy: No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I think I'm gonna make myself cry.
Pam: Andy, this is the deal we made.
Andy: [watching Pam scrap his computer] That's probably good. That's enough.
Pam: We should break this hinge maybe.
Andy: Let's not go crazy.
Todd: Well thanks, will do.
Jim: [using fake Southern accent, on the phone with Todd Packer, Dwight is also with Jim] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool. [Michael walks in on Jim and Dwight]
Todd: That sounds weird.
Jim: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you!
Dwight: [also In southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.
Jim: [trying to stop him] Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!
Dwight: Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic!
Todd: Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, Jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee. And here's the best part. I'm a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every sub species. Also I'm a huge boob nerd.
Dwight: Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back!
Michael: What are you doing?
Jim: [trying to hide from Michael what they're doing, he picks up the phone and talks directly into it] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up]
Michael: I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?
Jim: He's a jerk.
Dwight: He took my desk.
Michael: Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?
Dwight: It wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas.
Michael: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
Dwight: No, no, no. That is not part of the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing.
Michael: He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him.
Jim: Wait! Why don't we come up with a plan we're all happy about? [Michael leaves]
Andy: [plugging in new computer, acting to make people think he got a bad computer] Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer?
Pam: Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do!
Andy: Where'd you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse?
Pam: Yes, I found it in a shelf in the corner of the warehouse. [Darryl gives the camera an odd look]
Andy: All right, well thank you for my garbage computer. [Andy turns it on and looks amazed, clearly happy with it]
Todd: [walking into Michael's office] You're looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the 'ass', in Tallahassee!
Michael: Yes, about that.
Todd: Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight!
Michael: Well... I don't know if that's a good idea.
Todd: Do you have a ball and chain?
Michael: No, nothing like that at all.
Todd: Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It's your girlfriend, man. She's uptight.
Michael: Sorry?
Todd: I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I'm saying is about a month or so, meet me down in Florida, I'll introduce you to all the local [spanks the air] talent.
Michael: [thinks a moment] Sounds great.
Todd: It's gonna be so good.
Michael: That is. [Jim sees them and looks happy] It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there.
Holly: I'm sorry about your friend.
Michael: Nah, he's an ass.
Holly: [Brooklyn accent] You ahh.
Michael: [imitating] You ahh.
Holly: What ah you wicked smaht?
Michael: No you ahh.
Holly: Who ahh?
Michael: [kisses her and speaks normally again] You ahh.
Daryl: So this new computer you found in the warehouse.
Pam: Yep. Lucked out.
Daryl: Yeah, you really did. 'Cause I know every INCH of that warehouse.
Pam: Yep, super lucky.
Daryl: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.
Pam: [hesitating at the bribe] Yeah. You know what , I think I saw ONE sick day down there.
Daryl: Really? 'Cause I think maybe I saw five.
Pam: Three. [Daryl nods]
Pam: I'm full on corrupt!