Pam: W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.
Pam: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim.
Jim: Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Pam: Nature.
Oscar: Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
Andy: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.
Kevin: [sitting down, rubbing his feet] I will quit. As God as my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.
Pam: Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin: [off screen] Hurts like hell.
Pam: [to Michael who is looking at a chair catalog] Did you pick a new chair? It's been awhile.
Michael: Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.
Pam: But instead, you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.
Pam: Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. [makes a shrrhhh sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down] I really want it.
Michael: [holding up the catalog] Have you ever seen this woman?
Pam: Her?
Michael: Hmm...
Pam: The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair?
Michael: Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.
Pam: Or in a great chair.
Michael: Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?
Pam: I definitely remember your dinner party.
Michael: I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.
Pam: Actually, I put the catalog in your hands 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.
Michael: What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.
Michael: Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. [phone rings]
Creed: [on phone] Yo, is this his new chair?
Pam: [on phone] No, he hasn't picked one yet.
Creed: [on phone] Daat!
Creed: When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.
Michael: I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all.
Andy: I left my cell phone in my car.
Phyllis: Call us when you get there so we know you're OK. [Andy gets up and leaves]
Michael: [to Kevin] Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up?
Kevin: If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I'd take her for myself.
Michael: I thought that you were engaged?
Kevin: Nope. Stacy broke up with me.
Michael: Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends?
Kevin: Not anymore.
Michael: Oh...
Kevin: It's a bitter situation.
Michael: Yeah... ugh. She's... [gets up and leaves] you don't deserve her. Alright.
Michael: [sitting on Oscar's desk] Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm...
Phyllis: Michael?
Michael: What?
Phyllis: I have a friend who's single.
Michael: Oh.
Phyllis: Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality, too.
Michael: Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?
Phyllis: Umm, no, she's a professional softball player.
Michael: Oooo. Catcher or in field?
Phyllis: Umm I don't know Michael.
Michael: Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?
Phyllis: What are you asking?
Michael: I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
Phyllis: No, alright no, she can't fit in a row boat.
Michael: Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK!
Michael: What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry.
Michael: Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes.
Angela: I don't think that this is-
Michael: Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear 'Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la.' No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired.
Dwight: [gets up from chair] Write legibly people.
Andy: Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot.
Michael: Hmm..
Andy: It's like a ten minute walk.
Kevin: No, thirty.
Michael: Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [thinks] OK, yes that would be bad.
Kevin: Yes.
Andy: Yes.
Michael: That would be bad.
Andy: OK.
Kevin: Nice.
Andy: ...So help us out.
Michael: Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin: Michael, please he-
Michael: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves.
Andy: We won't let you down.
Michael: Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, [Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office] don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards.
Stanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Phyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway, he can just deal with it.
Pam: [to Jim] Who are you putting down?
Jim: Oh, you don't know her.
Pam: Who is it?
Jim: Your mom.
Pam: Yeah, whatever. [Jim holds up the card] [Pam laughs] Give it to me. Give it to me.
Michael: Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. [Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.]
Wendy's phone operator: Wendy's.
Michael: Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael.
Wendy's phone operator: This isn't Wendy.
Michael: Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please?
Wendy's phone operator: Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.
Michael: [under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?
Wendy's phone operator: You have to come to the restaurant to order food.
Michael: Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready.
Wendy's phone operator: It's ready now.
Michael: Well put it aside. [hangs up the phone] [Dwight enters] Umm... yeah.
Dwight: OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies.
Michael: Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model...
Dwight: I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit.
Michael: That sounds good. [both smile] Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go.
Dwight: [on phone] That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed.
Dwight: The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. [reads from notepad] Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed.
Michael: She's dead? [Dwight makes knife slitting noise] She's so young.
Dwight: She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.
Michael: Oh, God. Oh...
Dwight: Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. [gets up and leads Michael to sit in his chair] Here we go. Yeah.
Jim: Michael, you didn't even know her.
Michael: Try not to be so hurtful Jim.
Dwight: Jim, how dare you. [Jim's face is in shock]
Michael: Please, not at a time like this. [sighs]
Pam: OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.
Michael: Oh really? What's her name? Burger King?
Pam: No, I mean it. [walks towards Michael] She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. [hands over card to Michael]
Michael: I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?
Pam: I'm setting Michael up with my land lady. She's really sweet and... whatever, I just can't take Michael like this.
Michael: No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.
Kevin: We need to assemble the five families.
Michael: [while brushing teeth with an electric toothbrush] No, not the five families.
Kevin: We have to.
Kevin: The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him 'Cool Guy Paul.' W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A Bad Ass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye. Bill Cress is super old and really mean.
Michael: [still brushing teeth] Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now.
Kevin: [to Andy] I'm calling the meeting anyway.
Michael: [to cashier at coffee shop] Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette [cut to a blonde woman in a skirt]. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. [woman walks right by and doesn't respond]
Margaret: Michael?
Michael: [turns around to see the woman from his description] Ugh.
Margaret: Are you Michael Scott?
Michael: Is who a Michael what?
Margaret: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.
Michael: Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK...
Coffee shop worker: Michael? Michael? [reads cup] Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.
Michael: So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What...
Margaret: You're asking what I do with the checks that people write to me?
Michael: Just making conversation.
Michael: Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us?
Margaret: I don't know.
Michael: You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. [holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan] Look at that.
Margaret: She's beautiful.
Michael: Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know.
Jan [on phone]: Michael? Hello? Michael? [Michael hangs up phone]
Margaret: I'm gonna head out.
Michael: Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus.
Margaret: That's incredibly rude.
Michael: Now you ruined it. [gets up and leaves]
Bob Vance: Where's Scott?
Andy: Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement.
W.B. Jones: Let's just meet back in an hour.
Andy: Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.
Kevin: [nervously stuttering] I... have... things...
W.B. Jones: Alright, what do you want?
Andy: Well first of all, I'd just like to say [pulls out note cards] what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen.
W.B. Jones: You have about ten seconds-
Kevin: We want our parking spaces back!
Paul Faust: Whose parking spaces?
Kevin: W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and-
Bill Cress: Ohh... God...
Paul: I don't have time for this you guys. [to W.B. Jones] Just give 'em back their spaces.
W.B. Jones: OK.
Paul: We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail.
Kevin: After Stacy left, things did not go well for awhile. And, and it was hard to see... [starts breaking up] It's just nice to win one.
Michael: Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me?
Pam: She's sweet and cute. I thought you'd get along.
Michael: Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...[walks away back to his office]
Jim: [walks up to reception] Margaret?
Pam: I know.
Jim: You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment. [both laugh]
Pam: Oh I don't care, I didn't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move.
Jim: Oh really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.
Pam: Yeah, maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too.
Jim: OK, sure. Let's do it. [Pam laughs]
Pam: No, I umm, well I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.
Jim: Have I not proposed to you, yet?
Pam: Hmm, I don't, know...
Jim: Oh, well, that's coming. [smiles]
Pam: Oh, right now?
Jim: No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame.
Pam: OK, so then, when?
Jim: Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works.
Pam: Oh, right, yeah.
Jim: Wait, I'm serious. It's happening.
Pam: Ohh kay.
Jim: And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp.
Pam: I've been warned.
Jim: I am not kidding. [shows camera an engagement ring] Got it a week after we started dating.
Michael: I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... [sighs]
Dwight: You know what you need? Closure.
Michael: You're right. What do you mean though?
Dwight: There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye.
Michael: Hmm.
Dwight: Come on. I'll drive.
Kevin: We did it.
Andy: [at same time as Kevin] I did it.
Kevin: We got our spaces back.
Oscar: Wow. [Stanley laughs and high fives Kevin]
Pam: Nice job.
Jim: Nice. [fist bumps Kevin]
Andy: Yeah, there it is. You're welcome.
Andy: Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.
Michael: [looking at the chair model's headstone] How did she die?
Dwight: I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger.
Michael: God.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: She was so innocent.
Dwight: She was stoned apparently.
Michael: You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do?
Dwight: You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive.
Michael: Oh, you move on.
Dwight: Yeah.
Jim: Where do you want to go for dinner?
Pam: I don't know, I kind of hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what [Jim gets down on one knee], that one...
Jim: Hey Pam, will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?
Pam: [smiling] I hate you. [walks away]
Jim: What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? [Pam laughs] Oh my God, you thought I wa- oh.
Pam: Oh, oh.
Jim: No, no, no.
Pam: How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that?
Michael: [singing] Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids...drinking whiskey and rye, oh why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off [with Dwight] and die?
Michael/Dwight: [singing] OH! You believe in rock 'n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then [jumbling up the words] can you have to dance real slow. Well, I know that you're in love with him. 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. [more jumbled words] 'You both kicked off your shoes. Those rhythm and blues...
Michael: Return.
Dwight: Rhythm and blues...
Michael: This'll be [with Dwight] the day that I died.
Michael: It is moving day. I have spent the last month here at Dwight's lovely farm, taking a little bit of a vacation, clearing my head after Jan and I, um [Dwight puts his fingers to his head and makes a shooting noise] ssp... No, I did not kill her. We were just at different places in our lives. No, I thought I'd be the bigger man and allow her to stay at the condo. She has since moved on; she is staying with her sister in Scottsdale. Fresh outlook, and it's all good.
Dwight: Okay, so look that over, make sure it's accurate.
Michael: Oh. What is this?
Dwight: Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount.
Michael: You were charging me? I'm your friend.
Dwight: You occupied the America room for six weeks. That's our most popular room.
Michael: There was no other guest the entire time I was here.
Dwight: Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year.
Michael: Okay. All right, Dwight. Take my money. Go ahead. Keep in mind that this whole thing was just a business transaction. The late nights, the talks, the slumber parties, the crying jags, that was all business, that had nothing to do with friendship, and being friends. Just ring me up. Go ahead [Dwight tears up bill].
Michael: Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight: We don't take debit cards, anyway.
Michael: Dwight, little help with the bags, please.
Michael: So, what about you, Angela? Do you have any single friends?
Angela: I don't.
Michael: A cute little religious type, someone who wears a uniform, or...
Angela: A Catholic schoolgirl?
Michael: No, no, obviously older.
Angela: A nun?
Michael: Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI.
Kelly: Hi, Michael.
Michael: [sitting at her desk] Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Yeah, what are you doing here?
Michael: Nothing. Just hangin'. Chillin'. No agenda. Would you consider hookin' me up with one of your friends?
Kelly: Oh, all my friends are crazy. My one friend, Brianna...
Michael: Yeah?
Kelly: Oh, my God...
Michael: That's hilarious. What's her number?
Kelly: She's 23.
Michael: Mmm... nah, that's too young.
Kelly: Actually, I know a ton of people that I can set you up with!
Michael: Oh.
Kelly: Some of my friends' parents, they're getting divorced now. [Michael gets up and starts walking away] So I think some of those, like, older ladies, they're really looking for a guy to go on a date with.
Michael: ['Rita Klondike 507' is written on an index card] All right, time's up! Pencils down. Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward.
Toby: Forcing your employees to set you up is not a, uh, uh, technical violation of any Dunder Mifflin rule. You know, but neither is forcing them to help you with a shot-by-shot remake of Indiana Jones. Huh-how do you make a rule book like that?
Michael: Pammy?
Pam: I don't have anybody.
Michael: You don't have one single girlfriend?
Pam: No...
Michael: I'm not looking for a perfect 10 here, just somebody to hang out with. Just fun, healthy young woman.
Pam: Sorry.
Michael: A kindergarten teacher, who is great with kids, maybe an ex-model, and now she wants to do something with her brain?
Pam: No, I don't, I...
Michael: How 'bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side?
Pam: I just...
Michael: You know, just a fun, guh, look, there, here, it doesn't have to be a model. I'm not, don't rule out model, but just in terms of models, there are like twenty different categories. There's face models, hand models, body models [Jim raises hand] - yes.
Jim: I actually know a sex model.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yep. Yeah. She's blind, is that a problem?
Michael: No, I am, it's all about the personality, Jim.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Are you talking about Beverley?
Jim: Yes.
Pam: Because she's not a sex model. She's a tollbooth operator.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Send me a picture.
Michael: So far, these are my leads. A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher. It's a start.


Pam: What's wrong Michael?
Michael: I got gum in my hair.
Pam: You do.
Michael: This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it.
Dwight: You've got a ton of dandruff.
Michael: OK, let me be.
Jim: How'd you get gum in your hair?
Michael: I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil.
Jim: But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.
Michael: Kill me... right now.
Pam: We have peanut butter in the kitchen.
Michael: I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Jim: Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am.
Pam: No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.
Michael: Smells good.
Dwight: Taste good too.
Michael: Oh don't. That's disgusting.
Dwight: Wow! Lot of calories.
Michael: Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice.
Dwight: Hey Michael, how was your date last night?
Michael: [sighs]
Michael: I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness.
Oscar: I am livid, Absolutely livid.
Angela: It's ridiculous.
Ryan: Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can re-enter sales that they made on the phone as sales that were made by the website which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working.
Ryan: My favorite branch. How's everybody doing?
Jim: Hey man, you mind if I run something by you?
Ryan: Love it. Go.
Jim: Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that.
Ryan: I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that.
Jim: Thanks.
Ryan: David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?
Jim: Did I? I don't...
Ryan: You did. Yeah.
Jim: Hmm.
Ryan: Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding.
Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or...
Ryan: Ok thanks Michael.
Michael: Yeah.
Ryan: I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions.
Dwight: Question.
Ryan: Dwight.
Dwight: Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made?
Ryan: This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site.
Stanley: I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I'm not seeing commissions on that.
Ryan: I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O.
Stanley: When will that be?
Ryan: TBD. Phyllis?
Phyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the...
Ryan: Yes, yes they did, yes they did.
Ryan: Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators.
Dwight: I don't understand why our website has to have social networking at all.
Jim: Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one.
Ryan: It's all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store.
Jim: And then an older gentleman asked you 'Boxers or briefs?'
Creed: I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site.
Kelly: If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself.
Ryan: Do you have a question Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?
Michael: [slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good.
Michael: Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend.
Ryan: You too.
Michael: Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan]
Ryan: Michael let me go. Let me go Michael.
Michael: Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me.
Ryan: Na.
Michael: Na?
Ryan: Sorry man.
Michael: Well you tried.
Ryan: But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city.
Michael: Yeah.
Ryan: Unreal.
Michael: They sound great.
Ryan: Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace.
Michael: Would you have sex with Meredith?
Jim: What?
Michael: Do you think she'd keep it quiet?
Jim: I'm gonna go to my desk.
Michael: Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that...
Jim: I know.
Michael: Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan.
Jim: I can't.
Michael: Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome.
Jim: I'm not single.
Michael: Who you dating?
Jim: Pam.
Michael: That's still going on?
Michael: Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls.
Dwight: Yeah!
Andy: Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro' time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I'm saying.
Angela: I'm right here.
Dwight: No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three.
Michael: Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift.
Angela: We get it.
Michael: I am going to go get laid. Goodbye.
Dwight: [laughs] With sex!
Michael: That's... I, I think that...
Jim: You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn't have to come in at all tomorrow.
Jim: So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas... the one time a year they hear one.
Michael: Ryan's assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative.
Michael: Place is packed.
Dwight: Fire hazard.
Michael: Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall.
Dwight: Women look like white slaves.
Michael: No, they're just hotties.
Ryan: I don't know man, when you think about it, Cabo's really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour.
Michael: Hey.
Ryan: Michael.
Michael: Hey!
Ryan: What are you doing here?
Michael: Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada.
Ryan: That is so awesome man!
Michael: Alright!
Ryan: And you brought this guy!
Michael: Yeah.
Ryan: Aww!
Michael: Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.
Ryan: I know it's you guys.
Michael: Ok.
Ryan: I'm so psyched you're here!
Michael: Well.
Ryan: Woooo!
Michael: Alright!
Ryan: Let's get a drink.
Michael: Let's do it!
Jim: Thanks a lot guys, Good job.
Kevin: Later.
Jim: Nice job everybody. Great work.
Stanley: Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?
Jim: Nope. I didn't, but let's go inside and I can call him right now.
Pam: You can't, I locked the office from the inside when we left.
Stanley: Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead.
Pam: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, 'What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?' He said, 'If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.'
Ryan: Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy.
Michael: Hey, nice to meet you.
Troy: Hey, how ya doing?
Dwight: Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character.
Ryan: Ah, he basically is man. He's a regular banking wizard.
Dwight: No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit.
Ryan: Bottle service ya'll?
Michael: Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.
Waitress: We don't serve food here.
Michael: Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries.
Dwight: Do you live in a regular sized house?
Ryan: Yeah. He's a normal guy, he's cool.
Jim: You really don't have his phone number?
Pam: I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number?
Toby: I might have it in here.
Pam: Aw! That's great Toby.
Toby: It's so random that I have it.
Pam: Toby, you're the best.
Toby: When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it.
Jim: Great, It's under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or...
Toby: No.
Jim: It's ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick.
Andy: Yes, it's Eddie.
Jim: It's not, it's not Eddie, it's ah, Evan or...
Creed: Hank, his name is Hank.
Jim: No guys his name's not Hank, it's ah, is it Edgar?
Phyllis: Elliot.
Oscar: Elliot!
Jim: Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief, this is Jim Halpert from um... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk... you're, you're the, the Afri... African-American guy, I mean you're. Ah... Who, Who've I got here?
Ryan: Dwight Schrute man. How's Schrute Farms?
Dwight: Good.
Ryan: This guy owns his own beet farm.
Troy: Insane.
Dwight: Well it's weevil season but we were prepared.
Ryan: Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don't even know what that means. What does that mean?
Dwight: They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out.
Ryan: Crazy. That's too much for me man, I'm gonna hit the bathroom.
Dwight: You've already been several times.
Ryan: Yeah.
Dwight: Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection.
Ryan: I don't know, maybe.
Dwight: I'll order you some cranberry juice.
Ryan: With vodka, you're the best.
Dwight: [to troy] Do you have powers?
Jim: [on phone] Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. [to office co-workers] Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he's gonna let us all out. [lowers voice] He said it should just be under an hour, so... [everyone groans] we did it.
Oscar: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.
Toby: Sorry guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.
Angela: Yeah, neither did I.
Phyllis: Jim was supposed to collect it.
Jim: Yup...
Kevin: Way to go, man.
Kelly: Now he's never gonna come.
Andy: By a show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam? [people raise hands]
Pam: Phyllis.
Michael: I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting 'Back to the Future.' 'Back' because it's on my back and 'Future' because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie.
Girl in Club: I've never heard of that movie.
Michael: Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course.
Girl in Club: How old are you?
Michael: Forty... I'm in my forties.
Girl in Club: Wow. That's so cool.
Michael: Nuhh...
Girl in Club: Well I'm gonna go back to my group now.
Michael: Oh, OK.
Girl in Club: Thanks for the drink.
Michael: You are welcome.
Michael: This place is like sexy pre-school.
Ryan: Did you want a place where we could meet older women?
Michael: I would love a place where we could meet older
Ryan: Hell yeah. I'll hook it up. [smashes beer bottle on the floor]
Michael: Ahh, wow. That's dangerous.
Ryan: [to bouncer] Check again, Ryan Howard.
Dwight: [to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder] Excuse me.
Tall Girl #1: Yeah?
Dwight: [referring to girls in front of him] How did you all find each other?
Tall Girl #1: Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs.
All Girls: Wooo!
Dwight: Amazons.
Ryan: [to Dwight, Michael and Troy] It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks.
Michael: You're kidding.
Ryan: Let's bail. [starts to leave]
Dwight: Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. [turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players] You two, Jersey State girls, let's go.
Tall Girl #2: We're not going unless we can all go.
Dwight: OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him [referring to Troy]. Let's go, c'mon. Here we go.
Toby: Hey, look what I found in the back. [shows a football to Pam] Wanna play? Teach you to throw.
Pam: I know how to throw a football.
Toby: Course you do.
Andy: Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! [Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face]
Meredith: Owww!
Kevin: Oh God.
Bartender: There you go.
Dwight: Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this?
Bartender: It's for you. From them. [points to Jersey State girls across the bar]
Dwight: Oh. [dumps drink out]
Troy: What are you doing man?
Dwight: It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. [to girls] Nice try.
Michael: I've never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool.
Girl in 2nd club: That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do?
Michael: I am a bank teller.
Michael: Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.
Girl in 2nd club: Cool.
Michael: I think so.
Girl in 2nd club: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah, I have fun.
Girl in 2nd club: I'm just gonna just use the powder room.
Michael: All right.
Girl in 2nd club: So I'll see ya soon.
Michael: Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan]
Michael: She washes dogs.
Ryan: You're doing it man.
Michael: I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom.
Ryan: Hey man, you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they'll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare's gonna rule the world?
Michael: Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy]
Ryan: It's inevitable, right?
Michael: Hmm...
Jim: [on phone] Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up.
Hank: Hello?
Jim: Haaank. Is that you?
Hank: Yeah.
Jim: Still haven't left the house yet, huh?
Hank: I'll get ready to leave.
Jim: Good. Please hurry.
Hank: [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!
Jim: Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling.
Michael: [on phonne] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I've asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They're just, it's not... [Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over] Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls.
Pam: Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow.
Oscar: Why?
Pam: I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. [a few chuckles]
Toby: More like 'Everyone let's get your boss laid Saturday.' [more laughs] [Toby puts his hand on Pam's knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand] I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. [runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away]
Michael: [Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club] Those girls really wailed on you bad.
Ryan: Why wouldn't they let me dance?
Michael: Well...
Troy: OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. [runs away]
Michael: Pretty weird. [Dwight and tall girl run out of club]
Tall Girl #1: [to Dwight] You have to go with me.
Dwight: I do, I have to go.
Tall Girl #1: Stay. Stay, please?
Dwight: No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright?
Tall Girl #1: Call me.
Dwight: Uh huh. [to Ryan and Michael] I'm not gonna call her.
Michael: Let's go.
Ryan: I don't wanna go back in.
Michael: I know, here we go.
Jim: [notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate] Cleaning people. Oscar. [everyone starts to walk outside] OK, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, 'cause I think they can help us.
Oscar: Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?
Jim: I... just... if they speak Spanish.
Oscar: [to cleaning people] Good evening, we locked ourselves in. [women don't respond] Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, OK?
Cleaning lady: Ohh...
Oscar: They
Jim: Lucky us.
Ryan: This is a one time thing, you know that right? [they walk into Ryan's apartment]
Dwight: Wow.
Michael: This is it.
Dwight: All right.
Michael: This is where the magic happens.
Dwight: Nice.
Michael: Very nice.
Ryan: One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have...
Dwight: I got sofa. I got sofa.
Michael: Dwight, I'm the boss.
Dwight: I got floor.
Michael: Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on.
Dwight: [to Ryan] Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick?
Ryan: No. [Dwight starts singing in German]
Michael: Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone.
Dwight: It's a lullaby.
Michael: Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off.
Ryan: No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?
Dwight: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
Michael: Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.
Ryan: Guys, I'm going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, OK?
Dwight: OK. Good night Ryan.
Michael: Best night ever.
Michael: Like I said, it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don't, I disagree, I say... let's hear it for the boys.
Hank: [drives up to parking lot to notice all the office cars are gone] Son of a bitch.
Michael: You're gonna be okay, it's gonna...
Dwight: Ohhh, man! [sound of Ryan throwing up] There it goes.
Michael: Ahh, ooh!
Dwight: I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir.
Michael: [helping Ryan out of the taxi] Come on, come on.
Dwight: That'll come out of the upholstery. Oh, man. He threw up in the back of the taxi.
Ryan: Dehydration.
Michael: Here we go, let's sit down.
Dwight: It's dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times.
Michael: All right, shhh. Dwight, leave him alone.
Troy: Hey, don't blame me for what Ryan does. I'm not his dad. I'm his friend, okay? And friends are there to help you have a good time. And sell you the stuff you need to have a good time.
Michael: You had a rough night tonight. But your life is very good, my friend. You've got a great job, you... you can have any woman you want, you're good looking, you, you know...
Dwight: Friends with a hobbit.
Michael: Frien..sss...yes, you're friends with a hobbit, and... look where you live. I mean, you've got it all.
Ryan: Yeah, New York is great.
Michael: No, I mean this apartment building, it's fantastic.
Ryan: Oh, this, this is not my apartment. This, this is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Michael: Well, now I can say that I went to a museum.
Phyllis: [Phyllis, Pam, Toby, and Oscar are sharing iPod headphones] I don't understand. Which one is that?
Pam: That's the other Boleyn girl.
Phyllis: Oh.
Oscar: Honestly, the book is so much better than this.
Pam: Shh.
Stanley: [through the fence to Terri, who's holding a drink for him to sip] Ah, we don't know. They didn't give him his Christmas bonus this year, so...
Hank: [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!
Jim: Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. [walks into lobby]
Kelly: Was he still there?
Jim: No, that was his wife, so he's on his way.
Kevin: Jim, how long? I have to go to the bathroom.
Jim: Well, he'll be here really soon, Kev.
Angela: If you hadn't made us stay, we'd all be home by now.
Stanley: Somebody's always got to be a hero.
Kelly: I'm so cold, I'm gonna faint. If I faint, it's totally your fault, Jim.
Jim: Let's be honest, it's not totally my fault. [indicates Pam] Shared responsibility.
Pam: Mmm?
Jim: Oh, I just mean if you, if you didn't lock the door, then we could be upstairs where it's warmer.
Pam: I'm supposed to turn the lock when I leave, it's part of my job.
Jim: Is that... I didn't know that was your... okay, so we're in agreement, this is not ideal... situation.
Michael: Ryan?
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Do you ever miss us?
Ryan: Not really. New York is...so great.
Michael: Ryan?
Ryan: Yes.
Michael: Do you remember what color my eyes are?
Dwight: Hazel. They're hazel.
Michael: Dwight, I asked him.
Ryan: No, I, I was going to say hazel, yeah.
Michael: Really?
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Not just because he said it?
Ryan: No.
Michael: Ryan?
Ryan: You're my friend, Michael. OK?


Michael: Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on!
Pam: Michael we don't know what you're talking about...
Michael: Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write?
Kevin: Michael you could put your initials in it.
Michael: M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't...
Jim: Yeah that's true.
Michael: Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go!
Phyllis: We- we-
Michael: Here we go!
Phyllis: Well-
Michael: Let's, yes?
Phyllis: When I was a little girl...
Michael: Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it!
Phyllis: We-we found some wet cement in the park...
Michael: It's drying, it's drying...
Phyllis: In our neighborhood...
Michael: Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!
Phyllis: What did we write?
Michael: Ahh come on!
Andy: Here it is, you should draw a picture...
Michael: No!
Andy: Cause that says, that says...
Michael: No!
Andy: So much more than words...
Michael: No!! Come on, gimme something good!
Kelly: Ok, ok, I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater, and omhmygod, he looked so good...
Michael: Pam, translate.
Pam: She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement.
Michael: I love it!
Jim: If you were a real star you would put your face in it.
Michael: I love it more!
Oscar: Michael that doesn't seem... safe.
Michael: I... love it!! Haha, come on!
Dwight: Come on! [Kevin and Dwight laugh and follow Michael]
Jim: We are here today, not to immortalize a man, but an idea... Maybe the idea of a man.
Michael: [with petroleum jelly on his face] Hurry, please.
Jim: Greatness is only skin deep, some people say...
Dwight: Can you breathe?
Jim: Well that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside...
Dwight: Hold your breath.
Jim: And in this case...
Dwight: Ready?
Jim: That's also not true.
Dwight: And... go. [Michael sticks his face in the cement] Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael: [muffled] That's what she said.
Michael: Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me, it's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, 'That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole...' I dunno, it's a good feeling.
Andy: [playing with Madlibs] Okay, adjective...
Angela: Um... tall. No, no, uh, nice.
Andy: Good one. Okay, you ready?
Angela: Mmhmm.
Andy: [reads] The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. 'Sit down, Mr. Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?'
Angela: [laughing] It's a man eating cat food.
Andy: What about a cat eating man food?
Dwight: Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.
Pam: [wearing glasses] Um... yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend's house and, I forgot my contact solution, so... I had to wear my backup glasses... Shut up.
Michael: All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction...
Pam: I don't have my contacts...
Michael: Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.
Michael: Ener-gize...
Jim: You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly...
Pam: Don't, don't-
Jim: Would...
Pam: If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no.
Jim: Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing... that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world.
Michael: Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?
Andy: What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message, so it just had a little more... zing, and a little more pep?
Michael: Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim?
Jim: What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?
Michael: Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme...
Jim: An urban thing...
Michael: An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley...
Stanley: Not me.
Michael: Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Stanley, we're havin a little...
Stanley: Leave me alone, dammit.
Michael: We're havin a little brainstorm session...
Stanley: DID I STUTTER?
Michael: ...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water.
Toby: Can I talk to you a second?
Michael: Ugh, what?
Toby: Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning...
Michael: What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.
Toby: Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate.
Michael: That? In the conference room?
Toby: Yeah.
Michael: We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said 'did I stutter,' and I said 'wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?' It was joking, Toby, alright?
Toby: He didn't seem like he was joking.
Michael: Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another: 'Hey um, you're poor.' 'Well hey, you're mama's dead.' That's what friends do. It's... you're so white.
Toby: Alright... Well, um, if you really believe that Stanley was joking...
Michael: Mmhmm.
Toby: Um, why don't you go ask him that?
Michael: Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but...
Toby: You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school...
Michael: Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological.
Andy: You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight, and look over and there's an Xterra next to you. They're always driven by chicks, so there's your icebreaker.
Dwight: [kicks the car] Unh! Scratch.
Andy: That's a racing stripe.
Dwight: Uh, bumper's sagging.
Andy: Mmm, I doubt that very much.
Dwight: This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.
Andy: How next to?
Dwight: Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.
Andy: I have to pick one of those?
Dwight: Yes.
Andy: Can you go over those options again?
Dwight: You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now, and I will take it off your hands. It's gotta be now.
Andy: Well I have the, the blue book value...
Dwight: Seal the deal. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one-
Andy: Can I think about it?
Dwight: Five, four, three, two...
Andy: Let me think about it-
Dwight: Now. Now. Now.
Andy: Let me think about it-
Dwight: Say it. Do it. Now.
Andy: I'm thinking about it-
Dwight: Do it now.
Andy: Thinking-
Dwight: Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.
Andy: Yeah. All right!
Stanley: What.
Michael: I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal.
Stanley: What are you talking about?
Michael: Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool.
Stanley: I am not going to apologize to you.
Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.
Dwight: Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line-green for money-sales, get it?
Michael: Uh huh...
Dwight: There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley...
Michael: Great
Dwight: However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly.
Michael: What's the pink?
Dwight: Menstrual cycles.
Michael: Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this?
Dwight: You.
Michael: Other than me.
Dwight: Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office.
Michael: I never said you could do that.
Dwight: All you have to do it say it.
Michael: I...
Dwight: Just say it.
Michael: Okay, I will think about it.
Dwight: Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it.
Michael: No.
Dwight: So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself.
Kevin: Hey Pam, I really like your glasses.
Pam: Oh, thanks.
Kevin: All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses.
Pam: Oh, okay...
Kevin: Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually...
Pam: I should probably get back to...
Kevin: Like librarians.
Pam: Entering the...
Kevin: Could you just say, 'these are due back Thursday'?
Pam: No. [Kevin leaves; Pam takes off her glasses; phone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Okay, go ahead. [puts a notepad close to her face and writes message]
Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.
Darryl: Mike.
Michael: Hey.
Darryl: I'm very busy here, man.
Michael: Darryl, [clears throat] have you ever been in a gang?
Darryl: Why?
Michael: It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um...
Darryl: No, no, no...
Michael: I know, it's very, very personal...
Darryl: No, um... I have.
Michael: I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?
Darryl: Both.
Michael: God.
Darryl: Yeah them, and the Latin Kings... the Warriors...
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: Newsies.
Michael: Okay, so dig this: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael: Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?
Darryl: Well see, um... in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers.
Michael: What is that?
Darryl: That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them.
Michael: Really?
Darryl: Yeah, and then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Ya'll can just go to church together... get an ice cream cone.
Michael: I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Darryl: Well, it's effective.
Ryan: [to Toby] I think it's self-explanatory. [to Jim] Hey, Jim, come here for a second. Can you answer me something, as, as a true Eagles fan?
Jim: Oh boy...
Ryan: How do you live with a franchise this bad?
Jim: On a wing and a prayer, mostly.
Ryan: Alright, whatever you say. Uh, listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance.
Jim: A formal warning... [chuckles]
Ryan: It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here, and I know how little you care about your job. And honestly if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Jim: [stammers] I'm sorry, is, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head.
Ryan: This is nothing to do with that, alright? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it.
Jim: I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining a little better? Cause I'm not sure what's really...
Ryan: Woah, don't get all defensive, alright? It's just a warning. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, alright?
Toby: I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk, and, and hanging out with Pam, has finally caught up to him... w-with Pam
Pam: Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want?
Jim: Oh we were just... talking about, bureaucratic stuff...
Pam: Because you're very important?
Jim: Yeah...
Dwight: [washing the Xterra] Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What's Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!
Andy: What the hell is this all about? [holds up flier] You're flipping my car for profit.
Dwight: It's my car now.
Andy: I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me.
Dwight: Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.
Dwight: I've got a Madlib for you: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.
Michael: Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him.
Pam: What does that mean?
Michael: It's like a mock execution.
Jim: That's not a good idea.
Michael: Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left.
Toby: Well, you can actually fire him.
Michael: No, okay... I've had enough of you.
Oscar: Why are you telling us this?
Michael: Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?
Kevin: Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.
Michael: I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. [Stanley enters the room] Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?
Michael: Stanley Hudson, you are fired.
Stanley: Are you serious?
Michael: I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.
Stanley: You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me?
Michael: Hmm.
Stanley: I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office.
Michael: Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice.
Stanley: So I'm not fired.
Michael: That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?
Stanley: Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all?
Michael: Okay...
Stanley: Do you have any idea how to run an office?
Michael: Yes.
Stanley: Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before.
Michael: That's not-
Stanley: And I think, 'there's no possible way-
Michael: All right, all right...
Stanley: He can top that.'
Michael: Okay.
Stanley: But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot!
Michael: Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out.
Jim: Who?
Michael: Everybody, except Stanley.
Jim: Let's go.
Pam: I can't find my glasses.
Jim: Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here.
Pam: Okay, okay.
Kevin: [chuckling] It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it!
Michael: [starts to cry] I don't understand why you keep picking on me.
Stanley: Oh, for the love of God.
Michael: You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand.
Stanley: Fine. Here it is: you are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.
Michael: Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
Stanley: Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories?
Michael: All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.
Stanley: Fair enough.
Michael: I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, 'I don't respect you!' Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some-take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. [as Borat] Respect is niiice. Borat. [as Rodney Dangerfield] What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect!
Michael: So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley?
Stanley: Has potential to be your best idea yet. [Michael smiles]
Phyllis: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. [laughs]
Michael: Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis.
Michael: You know, I don't care what he did to me. He's mean to other people, that's what gets me. He's just...
Jim: Who else is he mean to?
Michael: Everybody. He just, he's always, he's always talking about people behind their backs to me.
Pam: What kind of stuff does Stanley say?
Michael: Like that people are stupid, and that they're idiots, and that they're sluts.
Kelly: Why would he say that?
Michael: Because he's mean. He's, he's like a really mean-spirited guy. He talks about how gay Oscar is...
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Michael: And that Angela's a midget, and that [indicates Jim] your chin is too big.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: I know, I know. I think it's tiny. I think it's too small if anything. And that your glasses make you look ugly.
Jim: She's never worn these glasses before.
Michael: Well, he's just mean.
Pam: Michael, I think that what Stanley did to you was rude. Maybe you should just get him aside and tell him that he was behaving badly.
Michael: It's complicated, Pam. I mean, the world looks a lot easier from behind your reception desk.
Jim: Well, I actually agree with her, I think you should talk to him. And you also might want to explain to Andy that no one wants to help him decide whether or not he has a rash.
Kelly: Oh, yeah, and then, yell at Creed, because you know what? Looking can be as bad as touching.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I... jerks don't deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble... jerk stand.
Michael: Pam, stand up.
Pam: Hi everyone. My name is Pam, and I wear glasses.
Meredith: Hi, Pam.
Michael: Pretty disgusting.
Phyllis: I like your frames.
Pam: Thanks, Phyllis. Yours, too.
Phyllis: Oh, well, I'm already married. Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Kelly: Ignore her, those glasses are so cool.
Pam: Really?
Kelly: Yeah, you look like Lisa Loeb or Tina Fey or someone. You should definitely wear them all the time.
Pam: Huh. Maybe I will.
Kelly: Guess who just became the cutest girl in the office.
Pam: What's it like without my glasses? Um, well, here, I'll show you. Unfocus your lens. A lot. I'm 20/400. You got it? Okay, I'm gonna spend the rest of the day like this. I can't see any of the things that would bother me on a normal day. I can't see anything disgusting, or ugly, or Michael... it's great.
Ryan: Yo!
Pam: Hi, can I help you?
Ryan: Haha, nice! I guess I have been a stranger lately.
Pam: [pointing] Ryan!
Ryan: Hey, Pam, do you want a bagel? [throws it]
Pam: Yeah.
Ryan: Think fast. [it hits her in the face] Honestly, Pam, the bagels in New York are the only good bagels in the world, I swear to God.
Pam: Okay.
Ryan: The only good bagels anywhere.
Pam: I've heard that. [reaches down to pick up bagel from the floor]
Ryan: Same with coffee, and women.
Pam: Okay.
Ryan: I'm gonna go find Toby. Oh, here's what you do. [takes her bagel] You scoop out the middle, like that, and then you just eat the shell. You know? [pats his belly, points to Pam] Fewer carbs.
Pam: Yeah, if I could have seen what he just did, I think I would have gotten angry.
Jim: A formal warning, seriously?
Toby: Well, as you know, Dwight has filed a lot of complaints against you over the years.
Jim: And no one cared.
Toby: But now it's being looked at as more of a productivity issue.
Jim: Productivity? My numbers are good.
Toby: I know, um, but Ryan thinks that, uh, they're not good enough.
Ryan: Wallace likes Jim. So going after him - that's a risky move for me, but in business, you gotta take risks. Sometimes you gotta get out on the open highway, with the top down [pushes button about eight times to get the top down. Finally it comes down and it's all bunched up. As he's fixing it, the car rolls backwards a bit.]


Michael: Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited!
Oscar: Yes. [small fist-pumps from both Pam and Oscar.]
Michael: Yeah, I'm pretty excited too.
Michael: Today I'm heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place.
Darryl: Hey, are we doing this thing?
Michael: Yup.
Kelly: Oh my God, Darryl, you look like Barack Obama. Everybody I'm dating Barack Obama!
Michael: Why are you dressed like that?
Darryl: [in a dress shirt and tie] Like what?
Michael: Like you're applying for a loan.
Dwight: Maybe he's going to church. Or court.
Darryl: Figured I look presentable. [looks Michael over] You? [Michael dressed casually in jeans and sneakers] Went a different way.
Pam: [to Darryl] I think you look nice.
Michael and Darryl: [simultaneously] Thank you.
Michael: Okay, here's what we're going to do: I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales. Oscar will be in charge of accounting. Pam will be eye candy. No... uh, also, because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don't have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain't going to college.
Darryl: What college did you go to Mike?
Michael: Let's go!
Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course, because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here. Yeah. And uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job. Since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam, that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So I am about to do something very bold at this job that I've never done before. Try.
Phil Maguire: [takes golf swing] Whoa!
Jim: Mr. Maguire, it's been a couple of years.
Phil Maguire: Hey Jim, how are you, nice to see you man.
Andy: Oh no! No, no-no-no-no! My grandfather would be spinning in his urn, if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now or I will take it off for you, sir. I am... totally and completely kidding! [they both laugh] Andrew Bernard, Cornell '95.
Phil Maguire: Phil Maguire, Dartmouth, '74 [goes to shake Andy's hand]
Andy: Oop, got some blisties.
Phil Maguire: Yeah, you do.
Andy: Hit about 1200 balls last night, in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. [shows blisters on both hands] It's actually not funny at all. It's incredibly painful.
Phil: Let's make it interesting, say, uh, ten bucks a hole?
Jim: Great!
Kevin: What are we talking? Skins? Acey Duecy? Bingo bango bongo? Sandies, Barkies? Arnies, Wolf? What?
Kevin: I'm gonna take this petty cash I got from Oscar, and turn it into next month's rent.
Pam: So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play volleyball, pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball. Those were the days!
Michael: [Darryl approaches as students throw basketballs] A little over the top, don't you think?
Darryl: Show them what you brought, Mike.
Pam: [holds up single sheet of paper] Um, that's all we brought.
Michael: This is all we need.
Oscar: We'll see.
Michael: Yes we will see Oscar, we will see, because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities! Conceptual! All right! We. Are. Open for business! [all four of them sit in an empty booth with small Dunder Mifflin sign] Hello!
Kevin: Andy, you're up, let's go!
Andy: [gushing lotion inside his golf gloves] Giddy up, let's do this.
Andy: People assume I'm great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So, I used to hang out at the sailing club instead. Got my 'knot' on.
Andy: [swings] Dammit!
Meredith: Guys, do we have to stay all day?
Phyllis: I mean, Michael's gone, can't we just go?
Creed: Yeah, and I finished my work months ago!
Dwight: Excuse me, people. It has come to my attention, some of you have forgotten, who is in charge here. When Michael is gone... Jim is in charge. When Jim is gone, Andy and I are in charge. When Andy is gone you answer to me. Okay? [Stanley gets up to go] Excuse me where do you think you're going? Oh no, no, no. You're not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will - [Stanley leaves] He left. Last time I checked, the American workday ends at five pm. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or, you will suffer the consequences.
Phyllis: What consequences?
Dwight: I will tell on you.
Pam: There's some filing, restocking the supply shelves. Replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do. Um, we... uh, eat a lot of cake!
Justin: Cool.
Pam: [laughs] Yeah, and uh, you basically learn how an office runs.
Michael: Hello. Hi. [to Pam] Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me.
Pam: This is Michael, my boss. [she points] Justin.
Michael: Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, 'only the best and the brightest.'
Pam: He's nice and he seems interested.
Michael: He's totally wrong, Pam. [to Justin] Hey.
Justin: Hi.
Michael: How you doing? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you, should limit himself. You could do whatever you want to do. You could be a classy janitor, or a cashier with dignity, or a... migraine worker. [takes back the info flyer Justin holds] Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby.
Justin: Sorry for wasting your time.
Michael: Oh, no problem. [looks down] And he signed! He put his name on the piece of - okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams. And he just, made it into a stupid piece of paper. We need another one, immediately.
Darryl: Yeah, the booth is lame without it.
Pam: I only brought the one.
Michael: Are you mental?
Pam: Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, 'Are you sure Michael?' And you said 'Pam! Pam! Pam!' And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, 'Don't worry, it's just allergies.' Do you remember that?
Michael: I... don't.
Pam: Okay. I'll go look for another one. [she leaves]
Michael: And that. Is why. I need a smart intern.
Jim: Hey, so how's the direct mail business going?
Phil: I can't complain, people love their junk mail.
Jim: Now are you getting all your paper from PPC? Or-
Phil: You know what Jim? I'm not really looking to change things up right now, I just came out here to get out of the office for a little bit, so why don't we just play, okay?
Jim: Absolutely, will do.
Jim: So I guess I'll just... work on my short game.
Michael: [teen approaches table] Hello there.
Kid: What is this company?
Michael: Well it's funny that you should ask, because it's really more than a company...
Oscar: Dunder Mifflin paper.
Kid: Thanks. [walks away]
Michael: Dammit, Oscar!
Michael: Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being 'lured' these days. Thank you Dateline!
Dwight: Thank you. [hangs up phone, leaves for restroom]
Angela: Extension 128.
Creed: [over phone] Hiya Pumpkin, it's Creed.
Creed: Say, we're gonna ditch this bitch. You in?
Angela: No.
Creed: Are you out? [Angela hangs up] Pumpkin's out, let's go gang! [they all make a run for the door, Dwight re-enters room with only Angela left]
Pam: My old art room. [finds a sheet of blank paper] Oh, maybe it's still here! [looks for her painting] No. No they must have taken it down. Never mind.
Michael: [answers cell] What do you want?
Dwight: Michael, I know you're swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day.
Michael: Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there?
Dwight: So... what else is up? [Michael hangs up] Mich-
Michael: Thank you! [Pam hands him blank paper] What, what is this?
Pam: A piece of paper.
Michael: This isn't Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap.
Pam: Well I think they'll get the spirit of it.
Michael: Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We're dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock.
Pam: Are you serious?
Michael: Yes. And don't call me Shirley.
Pam: Okay.
Phil: Oh! [Phil is stuck in the sand trap] Ah, dammit!
Jim: You know, you can just pick it up, take the triple bogey.
Phil: Yeah I'll- I'll get it out. Thank you.
Jim: Yep. [Maguire keeps swinging]
Angela and Dwight: [silently working] [Pam walks back into office, gets paper out of the copier, shows it 'voila' to camera, leaves]
Andy: [Jim's cellphone rings] AH! Come on, Tuna!
Jim: Hey, can't really talk now, what's up?
Pam: Just checking in, how's it going?
Jim: Uh, you know, we'll see, we'll see.
Pam: I just drove twenty miles round-trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So, I could have just had them fax it to me, I guess.
Jim: Oh, I like you.
Pam: Talk to you later?
Jim: Yeah. All right. Bye. [Kevin sinks putt] All right. Sorry, I got to annoy you one more time. What if I bring down shipping costs?
Phil: You can try. But I've looked at your prices. Even with free shipping? Doesn't work. It's just- it's not in the stars, Jim. [Phil sinks putt] Six.
Kevin: Yeah.
Andy: All right, race to the next hole! [he runs off to the cart]
Kevin: Ooh! Winner gets ten bucks! Wait -wait for me! Andy!
Andy: Shortcut! Shortcut! [drives cart off course, it flips over] Woah! I fell in the sandtrap!
Dwight: [hums at copier, Angela waiting behind him]
Michael: All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck.
Michael: Hey! [walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs, grabs Oscar's ball] Game over. [kicks the ball up to the gymnasium ceiling]
Michael: [singsong] Just-in time.
Justin: Hi.
Michael: Just-in case. What's your last name?
Justin: Polznik.
Michael: This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh?
Michael: Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot! And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life right now.
Michael: I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin.
Oscar: Hey.
Justin: Hi.
Michael: This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will 'do' you. [laughs] No, no. But she has already dated two guys in the office, that we know of, so, this could be number three, you never know?
Pam: Excuse me.
Michael: Come here. I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
Oscar: Why, why wouldn't you say that to her face?
Michael: So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The guys I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor, of spending the summer with us, at Dunder Mifflin? I think, I think you are very special.
Justin: You didn't want me before. That's what you said.
Michael: No, I didn't. You misconstrued me.
Justin: You were kind of a jerk to me.
Michael: I, uh, hmm.
Justin: And I'm, I'm gonna go now.
Michael: Why don't... hey.
Andy: [trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands, struggles trying to take a drink as everyone watches.]
Dwight: [tries to stop a sneeze] Ah-choo!
Angela: Bless you.
Dwight: Thank you. [Angela turns to look at him.]
Kevin: Okay, Jim, you owe me one-twenty, and Phil, you owe me two-thirty.
Phil: Let's open a tab, because you and me are gonna be playing more often.
Andy: Count me in!
Phil: No.
Andy: All right!
Jim: Okay. You had some fun, and uh, I think I paid for it. So let me get my last shot in there. Is there anything you can do for me?
Phil: I'll tell you what. My fiscal year ends in two months, let's talk then. Sound good?
Jim: Absolutely.
Maguire: Good playing with you guys.
Andy: Right on.
Jim: You know it's a tough thing, seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap but, I had to give Phil credit for not quitting. Which is what I told him. I also told him I don't quit either, and I'd call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after ...fifteen minutes of me blocking his car. So I am now his paper supplier! And I shot a 102 today, so I'm feeling pretty good.
Woman on mic: The job fair will be closing in five minutes. Eighth period will commence as scheduled.
Michael: Hold down the fort, I have to do something. [walks up to microphone] Excuse me. If you can hear me, I'd like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on, I mean I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde! The Air Force? [Airforce recruiter glares at Michael] Air Force is cool. The refreshments? Bush league! You know, that's not what you want. Dunder- they, well, okay I see security is coming so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work! Anybody? Show of hands, anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit, we cannot give you any sort of pay, but it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn... it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time, and drive safe.
Angela: [Dwight and Angela exiting, he opens door for her] Thank you.
Dwight: You're welcome.
Pam: [clink of beer bottles] Beers? You closed it?
Jim: I closed it!
Pam: Yes! Oh! [runs into his arms, kisses him] Um, congratulations to you, sir. [they shake hands business-like]
Jim: Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Appreciate it.
Pam: Well done.
Jim: Thank you. You know what, screw this! [pulls Pam into a big smooch]
Kevin: Oooh! [Kevin and Andy add suggestive 'bow-chicka-wow-wow' vocals]
Michael: Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me.
Michael: [standing way too close to Jim and Pam] Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good. [Jim and Pam stop kissing]
Pam: Hi.
Graphics guy: Hello.
Pam: I was just wondering, what kind of jobs do you guys have?
Graphics guy: Are you interested in graphic design?
Pam: Yeah. Can I fill out an application?
Graphics guy: Oh absolutely, here, take a seat. I should let you know right away, this is just an entry-level job. It's really basic. We're looking for like, a self starter, someone who can meet deadlines, who just pretty much just go the extra mile, I guess.
Pam: I can do that.
Graphics guy: Great. And uh, obviously looking for someone who knows Photoshop, and Dreamweaver. Uh, Corel Painter, Illustrator, AfterEffects, all the basics.
Pam: I don't know any of those.
Graphics guy: [laughs] It's actually not super-complicated. I mean I'm sure there's some sort of like, adult education classes in the area. But if you're really serious about graphic design, one thing about New York or Philadelphia, they've got amazing programs out there for design.
Pam: New York or Philadelphia.
Graphics guy: Yeah.
Pam: All right. Cool, well... thanks.
Graphics guy: Sure.
Pam: And uh, I'll look into those.
Graphics guy: You should.
Pam: New York or Philadelphia.
Graphics guy: Absolutely.
Pam: Okay.
Graphics guy: It's where the action is.
Pam: Thanks.
Michael: Well, kids today have a very short attention span. They are into texting and video games and sex, and they just, they get distracted easily. And today they're being distracted by the other booths.
Michael: [clears throat] Hey, there! Michael Scott, regional manager, Dunder Mifflin.
Brad: Brad Bailey, nice to meet you.
Michael: That is a very firm handshake. Ow, ow, aahch! Killing my hand, there.
Brad: Yeah.
Michael: So, what is your poison? You like uh, sales, accounting, customer service, what do you like...
Brad: Sales, uh, sales would be cool.
Michael: Sales is and could be very, very cool. If you like paper, and you love to laugh, this is the place for you.
Brad: Well, that's great.
Michael: Right here. We have a lot of fun.
Brad: Mmhmm.
Michael: [Pam returns] This is one of our staff. This is Pam Beesly, [takes piece of paper from Pam] receptionist extraordinaire.
Brad: Hey, Pam, what's up?
Michael: Check that out, huh?
Pam: Hi, nice to meet you.
Michael: Pretty nice.
Brad: Yeah.
Michael: She sits there all day.
Brad: Nice.
Michael: You get to look at her. Why don't you hold out your hand. [hands Brad paper] Tell me what you feel.
Brad: Paper.
Michael: That's called card stock. That's what you're feeling. Now what you're feeling inside is confusion, butterflies, exhilaration... You're thinking, 'Am I good enough for this job? Do I have what it takes?' And I think we both know the answer. We'll find that out together. You can keep that.
Brad: Are you sure?
Michael: Mmm, yeah.
Brad: Sweet. [camera zooms in on Pam]
Michael: Don't fold it, though.
Michael: We have the Dundies, my birthday, those blow out, and it's sexy, it's sort of a sexy atmosphere, you know? The other day, in the parking lot, I actually found a condom. So. [to Pam] I've been meaning to ask you, do you know whose that was? [Pam shakes head no] So, sexy is fun...
Brad: Well, it was nice meeting you, I'm, I'm gonna take off.
Michael: Hey, you know what? Coincidence - I am going to go for a little stroll myself. Are you psyched about the summer?
Brad: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Yeah, me, too.
Brad: Okay, well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Michael: Okay, be my guest.
Brad: Thanks.
Michael: And do your worst.
Michael: [to Brad coming out of the bathroom] Hey.
Brad: Whoa, come on!
Michael: So, I forgot to mention that my old temp is now my boss, so, gives you an idea of how quickly you can move up in this...
Brad: Yeah, I get it, okay, I'm not interested. Stop following me around; you're really starting to creep me out.
Michael: One other thing I wanted to...
Brad: Nnn, look. I was just being polite. I don't want to waste my life selling paper for your stupid company, okay? [walks away]
Michael: [laughs] Ohh...Nah.
Kevin: I'm gonna take so much money off that guy. That guy is a whale. I'm gonna clean him out. This is really gonna get me out of a hole.
Kevin: He's not my client.
Jim: If your client likes Italian food, you bring him to Cugino's. And if your client likes a little action, you bring him a gambler. And if your client hates Cornell, you bring him Andy.
Andy: [tries to break club over knee] Ow! Ow! [tries again] Owooh!
Phil Maguire: Guy's kind of a douche.
Jim: Yeah, well, you know...Cornell.
Phil: [chuckling] I guess.
Michael: Hey, Justin!
Justin: I'm sorry, I'm sort of in the middle of this.
Michael: Wait, you want this kid to be in the Air Force?
Air Force recruiter: Absolutely. Justin is smart, capable, ambitious, and he aims high.
Michael: Time out. You think this kid could be a fighter pilot?
Air Force recruiter: I think Justin can be anything he wants to be.
Justin: [chuckling] Okay.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: Have you given any more thought to Dunder Mifflin?
Justin: Well, you took away the brochure, so I sort of...
Michael: Well, yeah, but you don't need the brochure. The brochure is up here [indicates head] and it's in here. [indicates heart]
Justin: Oh.
Michael: I think you are smart, and capable, and you aim high.
Justin: That's what the recruiter just said.
Michael: I'm right.