Andy: [looking at Angela's costume] Approved!
Andy: [claps] Chef from South Park, it's genius!
Stanley: Just some chef.
Andy: I've decided to pre-screen all the Halloween costumes this year. I have three simple rules - don't be offensive, don't be cliche, and don't take the first two rules too seriously.
Kevin: The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Huh? The one who sacrifices his life.
Andy: Whoa! Aw, spoiler alert.
Kevin: It's been out for ages, man.
Andy: Costume vetoed.
Andy: Ah, it's, uh... somebody's already called that.
Phyllis: Who?
Andy: Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow.
Kelly: This is ridiculous! Why can't there just be two Kate Middleton's?
Andy: Guys, I know, I mean, I wish there could be, too. It's like, I can't choose. They're both amazing. It's just...
Kelly: Look, I stayed up all night and I watched that gd wedding, and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day. Meredith wasn't even here.
Meredith: Because I was there. [shows Kelly her cell phone video] Your the people's princess! Diana was nothing!
Andy: I thought you were at your sister's funeral.
Meredith: What I said was, My sister's funeral is this weekend. Didn't say I'd be there.
Meredith: Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids, doing it.
Andy: Um, can I, maybe, squeeze through?
Erin: Here you go.
Andy: There you go. Thank you.
Erin: When they talk about all the nice things about dating a coworker, they don't mention one of the best parts. After you're done dating, you still get to work together, every single day.
Kevin: Jim, put it on.
Darryl: Put it on, man.
Jim: I don't know if I can.
Kevin: Come on, the Three Amigos.
Darryl: Three Kings.
Jim: Alright.
Jim: I know, I know, I know. But Darryl and Kevin needed a third. They bought me this jersey. I said no. Kevin started crying. So, I am Chris Bosh.
Ryan: [to Kelly] If you get into season 1, you can really...
Kelly: [Dwight walks in] Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you?
Dwight: It's called a costume.
Kelly: What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman?
Dwight: Ryan, will you please tell her who I am?
Ryan: Whoopi Goldberg.
Dwight: Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from Starcraft? Queen of blades? It's all Toby's fault.
Toby: Every Halloween I tell him the same thing - You can't bring weapons into the office, and every year he says the same thing - As soon as I get my weapons back I'm gonna kill you. But there I am at Thanksgiving, alive, you know. I'm a lucky turkey.
Andy: Everybody looking good, this is, this is the best we can do? I'm not judging, I, I think you guys look great, I just... wanna make sure this is the best we can do?
Andy: I just got a text from Broccoli Rob - 'Boo!' Scared me. And then I got this text from Robert California - 'Looking forward to Halloween party. Expectations are high.' Scared the s**t out of me.
Andy: G'day, Pameroo. Could you shoot this off for me?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Australian accent...
Pam: [faxing, Erin watching over her shoulder] What are you doing?
Erin: Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it, if you're doing something I don't.
Pam: Oh. [sends fax, Erin nods] Are you...
Erin: That Andy, so hot and cold. One day he's like, fax these documents, please. The next he's like, Pam, you fax them, who cares what Erin's feeling, right?
Pam: Oh, Erin...
Erin: Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?
Pam: Um, 2?
Erin: That's like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear.
Pam: No, I mean, you're doing great, and Andy put you in charge of the whole party, right?
Erin: Yeah...
Pam: Yeah.
Erin: Send completed. You are the best in the biz, I can't deny.
Phyllis: Bob and I are doing this Scranton Haunted Walking Tour.
Oscar: I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing.
Pam: Oh, hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub, tell the Man In Black I say hello.
Oscar: [sigh] What happened, Pam?
Pam: Okay. When I was 22, I worked there and everybody said the place was haunted. I didn't believe it until one day before we opened, I look up into the mirror, you know, behind the bar, and I see this old man dressed all in black, but when I turn around, there's no one there. So, I tell the cook my story...
Phyllis: Wait, they have food there?
Pam: ...and he said, That's what everyone sees, that's the Man In Black.
Jim: No! My wife does not believe in ghosts.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey!
Jim: Oh, this Man In Black thing, what do you think that was about?
Pam: What do you mean?
Jim: Was it, like, trickery in the lights, or maybe you were so primed to see it, then there it was?
Pam: I saw a ghost.
Jim: Mmhmm. No, but what I'm saying is, like, do you ever wonder what it was?
Pam: It was a ghost, I told you this on, like, our first date.
Jim: Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the Blue Angels. I figured you had to top it.
Pam: I don't know what to tell you, Jim, but I saw a ghost.
Andy: Hey! Uh-oh, looks like we're under a Jack attack!
Robert: Yes, Andrew. And you, on this day of fantasy, are a laborer.
Andy: Yes.
Robert: Everyone, this Bert, my son. Bert, this is... a paper company.
Bert: Hello. Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane.
Robert: Here, use this one. [walking to Jim's desk]
Robert: Oh, look, Pin The Wart On The Wench. How did you know I was bringing my son?
Erin: Oh, I didn't. It was for us, but he can play. Bertie-boy, would you like to play this game?
Bert: That stuff's for babies.
Robert: Well, perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us.
Andy: Wow, who shot our grown-up party with a kiddie raygun? We're still getting it set up, it's gonna be really cool.
Robert: [laughing] Extraordinary. Did you plan this?
Kelly: Well, Toby and I did, yeah.
Gabe: And I overheard, and thought, hey, that'd be fun, don't mind if I do.
Toby: If you turn out the lights we'll do a little dance.
Kelly: 1, 2, 3!
Gabe/Kelly/Toby: [singing and dancing] Dem bones, dem bones, dem tired bones, now we're the skeleton crew.
Robert: [laughing and clapping] Delightful.
Kelly: Thank you. [Gabe mumbles]
Robert: Now then, how are we today?
Kelly: Fine.
Toby: Great.
Robert: Just fine, Kelly? Everything alright?
Kelly: Mmhmm.
Robert: You feeling fulfilled in your life?
Kelly: I guess.
Robert: You guess? So, there is something you want that you do not have.
Kelly: I try not to think about it.
Robert: Because it's too terrifying to imagine. Now we're cooking. What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours?
Kelly: Never marrying.
Robert: Yes. Dying alone, that is very scary. And how are you, Toby?
Toby: So great.
Erin: Oh, I put those up.
Angela: I know. I'm taking them down.
Phyllis: I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall is more Halloween-y.
Erin: I don't know about this, guys, Andy put me in charge of the Halloween party, so...
Angela: Well, Andy sent us in here, so which is it?
Erin: Oh.
Angela: So, can we speak our minds now, or are we still sparing feelings, because I hate all of this.
Bert: Very low pressure in the Sargasso Sea, warm air from South America, cold air from Greenland. All signs point to the perfect storm.
Dwight: Yeah, perfectly mediocre.
Bert: What are you, anyway?
Dwight: I'm a Jamaican zombie woman, leave me alone, ghoul.
Bert: If you had some really big wings with blades on the end, you'd kind of look like Kerrigan from Starcraft.
Dwight: Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! I've been censored.
Bert: If you're going to be a Zerg, at least be a Lurker, not some girl.
Dwight: Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!
Bert: Yeah, she also has boobs.
Dwight: Yeah, but no nipples.
Erin: Hey.
Andy: Hey. What's up?
Erin: November's sure creeping up, ain't it? Can't stop that month!
Andy: Yeah...
Erin: Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party, you know?
Andy: Um, I just thought you could use some help, you know, because Robert came in and thought the party seemed a little kiddie, and I guess I agreed, and maybe we could mix a little more 13 into the PG.
Erin: But that's it? There's nothing about me, or I?
Andy: Can we talk about it at the end of the day? I gotta call, gotta make a call.
Erin: Oh, yeah, sorry. Yes, we can.
Andy: [pretending to be on the phone] Yes. [laughs] I don't know. Mmhmm.
Erin: Gabe?
Gabe: Sweetheart.
Erin: I'm throwing the Halloween Party and I just want to amp it up a little. I think it could use some extra pizazz.
Gabe: Ok where does Gabe factor in?
Erin: Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in and I didn't stop crying?
Gabe: Yes. Lars and Decocco's
Erin: Ok. Let's say that I wanted this party to be a tiny, tiny bit like that one. Just.. more adult more.. scary and sexy
Gabe: I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine.
Erin: No just scary. If we wanted ideas for scary stuff.
Gabe: [laughs, eventually Erin joins him laughing] Oh that would be scary!
Erin: What are you thinking?
Gabe: Ok let me go get it.
Pam: [answers phone] Pam Halpert.
Jim: Hey it's Jim Halpert. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight. Because I've read a lot about this really great documentary.
Pam: Is it called Ghostbusters?
Jim: [laughs] It's called Ghostbusters.
Pam: It didn't look like that.
Jim: It didn't have a buster sign around him? Why don't you draw him? Why don't we see this whole thing.
Pam: Ok fine I'll draw him. [hangs up phone and draws]
Jim: I ain't fraid of no ghost. [Pam holds up drawing of a hand with the middle finger raised] Whoa!
Pam: Mmhmm. Dwight are you eating a stick?
Dwight: It's a root you idiot.
Bert: Everyone hates you.
Dwight: That's really rude. I don't tell you hurricanes suck even though it's true.
Bert: What do you like? Tornadoes?
Dwight: Try influenza.
Bert: Oh yeah? What's the vaccine you can take to avoid a hurricane?
Dwight: Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricane's coming. I suppose you're going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?
Bert: Try a box jelly fish.
Jim: You know that's..
Robert: What are we talking about?
Jim: I was talking about my wife and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate and Meredith said she believes in them too.
Robert: [to Kevin] You seem unimpressed. Ghosts don't scare you?
Kevin: I'm only scared of real things like serial killers and kidnappers. Not things that don't exist like ghosts or mummies.
Oscar: Mummies are real. There are mummies at museums.
Kevin: Yeah [nervously]prank
Robert: It's true. They've been preserved for thousands of years. They're all over.
Kevin: [screaming] Why on Earth would a museum put a mummy in it?!?
Erin: Witch's brew?
Erin: I grew this party up real fast. Get out of here little kid party. Nobody loves you. And clean up your room! Grownups are going to use it later! Oooh!
Jim: Party looks fun doesn't it? Everybody seems to be in there having a great time. So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer.
Bert: I'm using it. I'm about to play Starcraft with him [points to Dwight].
Jim: [to Dwight] Are you serious?
Dwight: Yeah I'm serious.
Jim: That's funny. Ok.
Dwight: Loser.
Bert: Yeah.
Angela: Pam do you think anyone's going to notice I've worn this costume before? When I wasn't pregnant. You know I bet nobody would believe it still fits.
Oscar: Hey guys. I'm an Oscar [gestures to face] liar [gestures to nametag saying 'Representative Weiner] weiner.
Ryan: Oh my god!
Darryl: This party's tight. The fog is cool.
Erin: Thanks. It's on medium.
Darryl: Perfect.
Andy: It really looks great. You did a great job.
Erin: Oh, so we don't have to have that talk.
Andy: We should still have that talk. Maybe you can come by my office at like 4:45? [Erin nods] Cool.
Erin: [in ghostly voice] Oookayyy everybody. Be prepared to be scared. Ok. [hits play on DVD player, 'Do yes disturb meditations of horror' appears on screen, Gabe winks at Erin, on screen food deflates, a mouse crawls across a photograph of a woman, a person brushes very dirty teeth]
Gabe: The cinema of the unsettling is a growing film movement. The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot of a squirrel with diarrhea.
Oscar: [cuts back to a Happy Birthday cake gushing blood when cut into, a doll melts, a woman eats food and puckers her face] Is that my grandmother?
Andy: What's the story?
Oscar: There is no story.
Gabe: Yeah it seems like there isn't a narrative. [on screen a man gets into a car] Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting.
Stanley: What the hell is going on here?
Andy: I think we've seen enough. You can turn it off now. [everyone murmurs agreement] Yeah turn it off now.
Stanley: How did you get in my car?
Oscar: Where is this from? That is so upsetting!
Andy: That was awful. Robert I apologize.
Erin: I'm sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult. But I think I know what to do now [grabs box]. This game is called 'pecker Poker'. [fighting tears] It's the game of cards that gets you hard.
Andy: What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Robert: Why didn't you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do. You're obviously very close. [Andy and Erin look awkwardly at each other and Robert]. Oh I see. This no longer seems like my business [Robert sits].
Erin: All I know is you wanted to have a talk with me and I got nervous so
Robert: You were going to talk at the end of the I'm not here.
Andy: Did you think I was going to fire you? No I wasn't. [to Robert] I'm sorry this must be really uncomfortable for you.
Robert: I'm never uncomfortable.
Andy: Ok. Erin I think you know I've been dating someone.
Erin: Sure.
Andy: And it's getting a little more serious. She's never come by.
Erin: And she's never called here. Unless it's your mom.
Andy: No I didn't want her to call because I thought it would be weird. But now it's weird that she's not calling.
Erin: Two dates? Three dates?
Andy: Thirty-one.
Erin: Wow. I'm so happy for you guys. Um let me know when you get to forty. I'll see you guys.
Robert: I should go.
Darryl: I just don't get it, Pam. I mean, you're a rational person.
Jim: [whispering] Thank you.
Pam: Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL jersey during the playoffs. How is this any less logical?
Jim: Careful, whoa. First of all, it's not like I think that's going to help the Eagles win.
Pam: Really.
Jim: No. That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the Eagles will hear about and want to play better. It's not...
Kevin: Exactly.
Jim: Thank you.
Dwight: Go, get up there right now.
Bert: Got it.
Darryl: Dwight?
Dwight: You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call, B.
Bert: Unleash the hellstorm.
Darryl: Dwight.
Dwight: [laughs] Nice.
Darryl: Dwight!
Dwight: Got 'em. Go!
Phyllis: Is she Asian?
Erin: I don't know. She's from somewhere, I bet. Maybe from the forest.
Phyllis: Forest? Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest?
Erin: I don't know, Phyllis. Maybe she's from the city.
Phyllis: Hmm.
Robert: Looks terribly real, doesn't it, Creed?
Creed: No...
Robert: Are you scared of snakes?
Creed: You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.
Darryl: [in the bathroom with Robert[ Yeah, I guess sometimes I have nightmares about being buried alive.
Meredith: [talking to Robert] Honestly, Jim gives me the creeps.
Robert: [to camera] What am I up to?
Jim: Like, a few years down the road, Cece says, 'Mom, there's a ghost in my closet.' Now, you say one of two things - one, 'You're just having a bad dream,' or two, 'Let's go see what it was.'
Pam: I'm not gonna freak her out, Jim.
Jim: Ok.
Pam: I'm not gonna lie to her, either.
Jim: Oh, come on!
Robert: When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. [hisses] She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby's crib, was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter.
Creed: Oh my goodness.
Robert: The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby, for they were mummies.
Kevin: Nooo!
Robert: Amongst them was a man, tall, slim.
Meredith: Jim. [rolls eyes]
Robert: Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband. 'Oh, wait,' she thought, 'I don't have a husband.' For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Everytime she wanted to act and didn't, another part of her face hardened, until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, 'Baby, are you okay?' Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, 'I'm fine, b!tch, I'm fine.'
Bert: [laughs]
Robert: Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear.
Bert: Toby?
Toby: Oh, hey, Bert. Wanna see the dance? Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry...
Bert: You're fired.
Toby: ...bones. What?
Bert: You heard me. Pack your things.
Toby: What... you can't... Gabe? Are you...
Bert: I'm the CEO's son. Pack your things. You're done.
Angela: Oh, no.
Jim: Pink is the red-
Robert: What are we talking about?
Jim: I was talking about my wife, and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate. Meredith said she believes in them too.
Robert: Have you seen a ghost?
Meredith: Seen and banged.
Oscar: Hmph.
Meredith: Ok, I met him in a bar, right? There's something weird about him. He doesn't smell right, the clothes are all tattered and dirty and from another age. Anyways, we end up back and my place and we go at it all night-
Oscar: Meredith, don't.
Robert: No, no. I'm very comfortable with all things sexual. Continue.
Meredith: I wake up the next morning, all my stuff's gone. Whole house turned over. No trace. You tell me what happened.
Robert: Have you considered the possibility that you slept with a drifter?
Meredith: He didn't smell like a drifter.
Bert: What are you anyway?
Dwight: I'm a Jamaican zombie woman. Leave me alone, ghoul.
Bert: I'm a zombie from Walking Dead. It's a show.
Dwight: Uh, I know what it is. Ok? I have like a thousand people over every week to watch it. Ok? We all kinda hate it though.
Bert: Who's your favorite character?
Dwight: The city of Atlanta.
Stanley: If ghosts are real, how come everyone knows what they look like? It's not like a bunch of people got together and agreed on a lie.
Pam: Thank you.
Oscar: Interesting. Every culture holds this true. Clearly, there's some sort of real phenomenon out there...
Jim: Oscar, how are you on that side?
Pam: This isn't about sides. This is about me seeing a blueish gray old man in the mirror and then he vanishes.
Creed: Pam, this is important. Was he me? Am I him?
Pam: No, Creed.
Jim: But that would make more sense. [Pam sighs]


Andy: [Flickering Lights] Hey everybody it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. [Plays radio and the song is Closing Time by Semisonic]
Erin: [Laughs and shrieks]
Andy: Closing time.
Andy: Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird.
Andy: Closing time
Jim: [On phone] ...W R K.
Andy: One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.
Jim: Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing.
Andy: Come on pam!
Andy/Pam: [Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from.
Pam: Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. [nods and shakes head] Still don't know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home.
Andy: I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. [Pulls towel through legs] I know who I want to take me home. [Spins Meredith in chair] Take me hooo'hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing' no traditions!
Stanley: [singing] Closing time every new beginning
Stanley: I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it, but that song means it's time to go home. Now it's my favorite song.
Andy/Stanley: [singing] Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.
Stanley: Goodnight.
Andy: Whose your favorite iron chef?
Robert: [speaking at the same time as andy] This is atrocious.
Andy: You go first.
Robert: The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office.
Andy: Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes
Dwight: [runs in and interrupts] Sorry, go ahead.
Robert: [to dwight] Did you need something from us?
Dwight: Wha...Yes. Your attention. Uh because.. No that is all. [walks out]
Dwight: Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted 'We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.
Robert: Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Andy: Umpf that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there.
Robert: Who are they?
Andy: They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture
Robert: Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.
Andy: I would agree with that.
Robert: Simply..end the mistakes
Andy: End the mistakes, easy-
Robert: When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?
Andy: I would like that.
Robert: End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.
Jim: I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So, my pitch is, me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine.
Darryl: Nahh! [shakes head] No. Not Justine. Never Justine.
Jim: Is that off again?
Darryl: Oh yeah.
Jim: Ok.
Val: Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today.
Darryl: Ahh...We don't really do those. We just sign the thing.
Val: Are you really this lazy?
Darryl: I'll be there.
Gabe: Hey.
Val: Hey.
Gabe: Monday's suck.
Val: Yeaha..yup. [awkward silence then points to door] Just trying to get in.
Dwight: I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.
Andy: What do you got?
Dwight: [opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ugh'should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Andy: Sounds controversial.
Dwight: Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?
Andy: Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop.
Dwight: Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead.
Andy: Go do the voodoo that you do so well.
Dwight: I will do my voodoo.
Andy: Mmhmmm.
Gabe: Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
Toby: For you?
Gabe: Yes. For Gabe.
Toby: Who are you seeing? That's gr'
Gabe: Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
Toby: Oh.
Gabe: I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..[holds up fist]
Toby: You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Gabe: Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know?
Toby: But I mean'uh have you talked to her? Is sh'
Gabe: Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays'
Toby: Do you know her last name, yet?
Gabe: Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight.
Toby: She's going to be screaming her own last name?
Gabe: Hey! Watch it.
Toby: Good luck Gabe.
Andy: Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really.
Kevin: Thank you.
Andy: And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call'Dwight'
Dwight: The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.
Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight: Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Kelly: What emails are you talking about?
Dwight: Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly.
Kelly: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight: P.S. We should should kill him.
Jim: Wait, so you installed a doomsday device?
Dwight: No, it's an accountability booster.
Jim: Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device.
Dwight: Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.
Kelly: Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.
Ryan: We can't do this Dwight.
Dwight: [Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile'nod. Smile and nod.
Dwight: They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like'not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor'
Andy: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes.
Dwight: But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve.
Andy: Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha.
Stanley: This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
Oscar: There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment.
Dwight: [alert goes off] Oh, there's one mistake.
Erin: Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.
Andy: Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I'
Dwight: It's not a doomsday device, gosh. [Erin makes red strike on desk] We can do this you guys.
Warehouse Crew: First. Second.
Darryl: It's not a race.
Warehouse Crew: Thirrrr'.third.
Darryl: Who knows what the belt is for?
Gabe: It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous.
Darryl: Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone.
Warehouse Crew: Hi, gabe.
Darryl: All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays.
Gabe: Look at this, this is enormous.
Gabe: I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard. [Gestures milking a cow]
Gabe: It's like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way.
Darryl: You done?
Gabe: The Michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back.
Phyllis: Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five.
Kevin: I'm on it.
Angela: Kevin, maybe I should handle that. We really need you to focus on your project.
Kevin: Good thinking.
Kevin: Apparently a big client for this company, needs to know the story of how paper gets made.
Angela: Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes head]
Oscar: When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head]
Andy: Alright everybody, you are doing great!
Dwight: Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. [Meredith gives dwight the finger]
Jim: Dwight, question.
Dwight: No questions.
Jim: If this doomsday device goes off...
Dwight: Accountability booster.
Jim: If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that?
Dwight: I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.
Stanley: Try mose1234.
Ryan: Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like'z64$8. [incorrect password] Not that exactly Jim, something like that.
Jim: Ok.
Dwight: How about Scrantonstrangler666.
Jim: Nope.
Dwight: No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha'You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike.
Kelly: Wha'what's Dwight's mothers name.
Jim: Hmm'Heda. [alert] No.
Darryl: Once you read the packet, sign the back.
Gabe: Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val'
Darryl: Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.
Val: Yeah, sure.
Gabe: Uh.
Darryl: Mmhmm. [points at gabe] Caramel soy latte.
Gabe: Decaf frap-
Darryl: Got it.
Angela: You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right?
Oscar: Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty.
Angela: Six-seventy, six-twenty.
Oscar: Nuh uh.
Angela: yes!
Oscar: Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no.
Kevin: What does this mean? What does it mean!
Oscar: Andy. [alert sounds]
Angela: Ohhhh!
Andy: Gahhh. That's five strikes.
Stanley: [pulls out Brandy bottle] Well'I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.
Andy: Dwight we got five strikes.
Dwight: Really?
Andy: Did the email go out or'
Dwight: It goes out automatically at five P.M.
Andy: Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it.
Dwight: Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.
Andy: Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password.
Dwight: No.
Andy: What?!
Dwight: You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.
Phyllis: We did our best.
Dwight: No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. [everyone interjects] What?!
Erin: You're a real crumb bum, you know that?
Dwight: Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?
Kevin: Uh, the man tree puts its penis-
Dwight: Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please.
Andy: Nn no.
Dwight: What?
Andy: No!
Oscar: Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine.
Kelly: Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! [erin joins in yelling] Shut it down! Shut it down!
Dwight: Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.
Erin: Dwight's car is gone.
Pam: I bet he went home.
Andy: Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email.
Andy: Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us.
Kevin: Yeah.
Andy: Kevin has that lovability.
Kevin: Guys come on. I'm right here.
Andy: Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something.
Jim: Ok, where is he?
Erin: Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash.
Jim: I'll try both.
Dwight: [digging] Oh. Come to reason with me?
Andy: Gotcha something. [gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside] And, uh, I just really want to talk to you-
Dwight: Get lost.
Andy: Well now hold on it, it-
Pam: What are you doing?
Dwight: What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
Pam: Uhm.
Erin: Do you need a hand?
Pam: Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in]
Dwight: If you hit another horse, you've dug to far.
Robert: I'll see you next week Will. [at the club, playing squash]
Jim: Robert.
Robert: Jim what are you'What a surprise.
Jim: Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting.
Robert: Yeah.
Jim: You up for a game?
Robert: A game or a match?
Jim: Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it.
Pam: Are you okay, Kevin? [Kevin gives thumbs down]
Andy: [to Dwight] Where you going?
Dwight: In. I'm hungry.
Pam: Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water.
Dwight: Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on.
Pam: Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is.
Dwight: This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.
Val: That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab.
Darryl: Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab?
Val: That's what I'm sayin'.
Gabe: [to Val] Hey. You're welcome.
Val: Thanks for the coffee.
Gabe: So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.
Val: Are you asking me on a date?
Gabe: Yes, I am.
Val: Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy.
Gabe: I could quit. Problem solved.
Val: Don't quit. [Darryl eavesdropping, nods]
Darryl: Good policy. Sensible. Smart.
Jim: Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving.
Robert: In the box.
Jim: In the box. [hits it straight into the floor]
Oscar: Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left.
Angela: Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'-
Oscar: I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
Stanley: I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! [laughing and drinking Brandy]
Oscar: It's not that funny.
Erin: [Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head] Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt.
Pam: Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right?
Dwight: Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's 'Nobody's perfect.' Nice stroke, Pam.
Pam: No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha.
Dwight: I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny.
Andy: Dwight, there's just a small matter of a-
Pam: You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk.
Dwight: Any specific animal?
Pam: I'm thinking cow-
Dwight: Don't say cow- Ugh.
Andy: What are you doing? It's 5 to 5.
Pam: Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will.
Andy: That's insane!
Pam: Just trust me.
Andy: Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning.
Pam: I got this.
Andy: Enngh-
Pam: Hahhh, thanks for everything.
Dwight: Sive drafely. [Pam points back at him, smiling]
Kevin: Isn't it supposed to be, 'Drive safely'?
Jim: [a text tone goes off] Is that my phone?
Robert: Sounded like mine.
Jim: Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright.
Robert: Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag.
Jim: Oh, oh yeah.
Robert: Can I have it?
Jim: Yes. Right now? Yes.
Robert: Yep.
Jim: Here you go. [throws it over glass]
Robert: Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. [tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor]
Robert: [censored beep] ha, Jesus.
Jim: Awww, sorry. Did it break?
Robert: Nah, it's good.
Jim: You sure?
Robert: Yeah.
Jim: What kinda iPhone is that?
Robert: It's the standard one. The one everyone has.
Jim: Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting?
Robert: It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting?
Jim: Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- [texting on his phone]
Robert: My serve!
Pam: [her text tones rings] Dwight stopped the device!
Andy: Oh!
Kevin: Yes!
Erin: Haho!
Oscar: [his phone vibrates] He stopped it!
Ryan: Oh! [everyone yelling out, celebrating] We still have our jobs.
Dwight: They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. [pulls cap he previously discarded, out of the dirt] God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?
Robert: Take it easy. Nice and easy.
Jim: [hits ball, ricochets to groin] Ah! Classic, right? [Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down]
Robert: Oo!
Jim: I'm alright.
Robert: You alright?
Jim: Yep.
Robert: Skinned knee.
Jim: Yep. Ah. Oh. [and skinned elbow]
Robert: Oo, a little ice on that maybe.
Jim: Yeah. That does not feel good.
Robert: Okay. My serve.
Andy: Let's not make any mistakes today. Or at least no more than four.
Stanley: This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Y2K all over again.
Stanley: Oh, I was all about the Y2K bug. Paid some guy to update my PC, threw out my microwave, canceled my plane ticket, sold all my stocks, spent New Year's Eve with a gas mask on my face. I was even wearing a diaper! Someone said Y2K would get the toilets.
Pam: This could be real. Dwight's pretty handy with computers. He fixed my laptop once.
Jim: Ok, he didn't fix it. The brightness level was all the way down.
Pam: You couldn't fix it.
Jim: I wasn't here that day.
Pam: Yes you were.
Jim: No- Ok. Well, we'll talk about it later. Straussburg! I had a meeting in Straussburg and I dropped you off beforehand. I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes?
Pam: I don't think so, babe.
Jim: Ok, this is crazy.
Jim: I have never played squash. But I have seen it in countless 80's movies and it seems like the most common mistake is that you serve too hard and hit yourself right in the squash balls. So, as long as I don't do that, I think I'll be alright.
Robert: Eleven love. I win again.
Jim: [grunts] Good game. You are a worthy opponent. You wanna play one more?
Robert: I don't think so.
Jim: No? Come on.
Robert: Why? Not only are you terrible at squash, but you don't even seem to enjoy it. Jim, this is not enough of a challenge for me.
Jim: Well, that is... because you didn't realize that... I was left-handed.
Darryl: What are you doing here, Gabe?
Gabe: Well Darryl, considering that I basically own the place, I'm just chillin' at mi casa. This is me, in repose..I suppose.
Gabe: You know, there's this expression: Bro's before Ho's. And what that's short for is brothers before whores. Uh, I don't buy that. I would throw any brother under the bus for any whore. Woman.
Andy: Robert, do you wanna smoke pipes during our meeting?
Robert: Let's wait, until we have something to smoke about.
Andy: Yes. Of course. [whispers] Erin..[throws pipes at Erin]
Dwight: Hey, Andy.
Andy: Yeah?
Dwight: Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate...
Andy: I don't think so.
Dwight: Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all...
Andy: Yeah. I'm still figuring out the two man bobsled here, so let's hold off on the D-man for now.


Andy: Erin.
Erin: Yeah.
Andy: In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I'm not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.
Erin: Who's calling?
Andy: Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I'm going to refuse to take it.
Erin: You're not going to take it?
Andy: Just make up a phone call. It's not a real call. Make it up.
Erin: Ohohohoh.
Andy: And come and tell me. Doesn't matter what it is.
Erin: You're not going to get it though?
Andy: I'm not going to take it. And then he's going to be like 'whoa this is a really important meeting'.
Erin: Copy that.
Andy: Okay.
Andy: Ok, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I'll tell you how we can beat it.
Client: Uh well we've been going with'
Erin: Andy.
Andy: Yeah.
Erin: You have a very important call.
Andy: I'm sorry ' I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait.
Erin: Are you sure? It's really, really important.
Andy: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
Erin: Really? Because your mother is dead.
Client: Oh my God.
Andy: I don't think she's dead.
Erin: She's dead. She was hit by a bus.
Andy: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Erin: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen.
Dwight: Andy I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
Client: Oh you must take this call. It's'
Andy: Yeah. Um line 1?
Erin: Line 2.
Andy: Hi.
Darryl: [on phone]It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Andy: Ooh, gosh!
Darryl: Dude.
Andy: Officer.
Darryl: Look man this is a bad idea.
Andy: Did she have any last words or?
Darryl: Really? That is messed up man.
Andy: Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
Darryl: You're a bad man Andy Bernard.
Andy: That is so mom.
Darryl: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle'
Andy: Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?
Pam: Hey Cathy.
Cathy: Hi.
Pam: How's it going? Everything make sense?
Cathy: I think everything is under control.
Pam: Great.
Cathy: You should sit down.
Pam: Oh no, I'm fine.
Cathy: No I should go fill out my paperwork.
Pam: Ok [squeaking sound] Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this.
Dwight: Oh we know.
Pam: I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave. Oh I should've mentioned I'm pregnant. You probably didn't notice because it's impossible to tell I'm so small. But yeah I'm pregnant. [another squeak] Oh come on!
Ryan: Hey ' asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single?
Jim: Hmm. Doubt it.
Ryan: Yeah me too.
Pam: You doubt it?
Jim: What's that?
Pam: Why do you doubt that she's single?
Jim: Honestly I have no idea. I just figured we'd save her from Ryan right?
Darryl: What are you doing with my lunch?
Andy: I'm delivering it from the fridge. It's like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza?
Darryl: It's not pizza.
Andy: Yeah and we're not about to make love. I just thought maybe you'd want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes.
Darryl: I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?
Andy: Uh you tell me [Kevin playing drums with chicken legs]
Ryan: So word on the street is she has a boyfriend.
Gabe: Well he's probably a drug dealer. That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow.
Toby: It's going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.
Oscar: Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence.
Offscreen: Good energy
Pam: It's going to be good to have someone hot at Pam's desk huh?
Oscar: No, no. Not even.
Pam: I'm kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She's obviously super cute I get it. But I'd like to point out there's 50 pounds more of me to love if that's your thing.
Oscar: Pam you look more beautiful now than ever.
Toby: Radiant.
Pam: Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet.
Phyllis: Yeah you have this sexy glow.
Gabe: It's one of the most common fetishes.
Pam: Really well thank you all.
Toby: You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.
Ryan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing?
Toby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren.
Dwight: Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.
Oscar: In this case yes.
Dwight: No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Phyllis: No we're not.
Dwight: Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.
Andy: [scatting] Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray.
Darryl: Nice scatting, man.
Andy: Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.
Val: Not bad fellas, you're better than you look.
Kevin: Hey, screw you!
Andy: [sees Robert California enter] Hey Robert, are we meeting early?
Robert: Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here?
Andy: Well we're all musicians and we play together sometimes.
Robert: You're a band.
Andy: Thank you.
Kevin: We're called Kevin and the Zits.
Darryl: That was never agreed upon.
Robert: I miss being in a band.
Andy: Miss no more! What do you play? Join us!
Kevin: I have a tambourine.
Robert: Tambourine? You know I'm the CEO, right?
Andy: [to Kevin] CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends.
Robert: I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car.
Andy: Great!
Kevin: Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit!
Darryl: Again, never agreed upon.
Andy: I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you're in a rock and roll band with somebody, you're bonded for life!
Darryl: Usually that life is short and tragic. That's okay, right?
Andy: Yeah, even cooler.
Kevin: We all got to go sometime.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Helen Mirren. Hot?
Jim: Yeah. Super pretty.
Pam: Huh. What about Cathy?
Jim: The temp?
Pam: Yeah. Do you think she's hot?
Jim: Nope.
Pam: I'm not asking if you're in to her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive?
Jim: And I'm telling you, I don't.
Pam: You don't find Cathy attractive?
Jim: No, I don't.
Jim: No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.
Pam: Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake.
Jim: Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? [Jim leaves]
Dwight: That's just absurd.
Pam: Yes, because she's hot, right?
Dwight: Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on.
Pam: The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth.
Pam: Dwight, am I hot right now?
Dwight: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
Pam: What about before? Was I attractive before?
Dwight: Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.
Pam: Hmm. I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.
Dwight: You think Jim's lying? [laughs] That's so cute. I know he's lying.
Pam: Five bucks if you can get him to admit it.
Dwight: Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman.
Pam: Yep, that's the Dwight I need.
Dwight: If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules.
Pam: Okay.
Dwight: Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.
Pam: I think so. Okay.
Dwight: Rule two: we stop at nothing.
Pam: Well, what does that... is that... okay.
Dwight: Rule three: Don't fall in love.
Pam: Yep, good.
Dwight: We're gonna bust this guy.
Pam: Honesty is very important to me.
Dwight: So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.
Pam: Let's just see how we feel when we get there.
Kelly: Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam.
Dwight: None taken. What do you got?
Kelly: It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy's hot.
Pam: Hmm.
Robert: [to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer] Hey, you found us!
Curtis: You guys sound great, man.
Robert: Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding.
Darryl: Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead.
Kevin: [to drummer] Dude, you're on TV! You're the sportscaster on channel seven.
Drummer: Go Eagles! [laughs]
Kevin: You do that on TV!
Robert: You guys mind if they join us?
Andy: Yeah, absolutely!
Kevin: Guys, I've got some instruments right here. [holds up tambourine and g��iro]
Darryl: Hey, why don't you and me play those?
Kevin: Yeah? Okay, this is awesome.
Robert: What should we play?
Kevin: Maybe we should warm up with some scales?
Robert: Midnight Rambler?
Curtis: Yeah.
Andy: Midnight what?
Curtis: [singing] Have you heard about the midnight rambler? [Lisa, the guitarist, enters] Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah!
Pam: Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single.
Jim: Oh, I stand corrected.
Pam: I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas?
Jim: Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets.
Pam: Mike Tibbets, really?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Ryan: Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive?
Jim: Not his mom's car.
Ryan: Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z.
Jim: Touche?
Kelly: [sees photo of Mike Tibbets] Eww!
Pam: Kelly, calm down.
Kelly: I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs.
Pam: I don't think Jim cares about his hair.
Kelly: Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person.
Dwight: I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer.
Pam: Jim's on to me.
Dwight: Hmm?
Pam: Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it.
Dwight: Just ugly enough to have deniability.
Pam: Yep.
Jim: Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy.
Dwight: Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body.
Kelly: I'm gonna write something mean on his wall.
Pam: No, Kelly, don't.
Dwight: The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there.
Pam and Kelly: With the crotch?
Dwight: With the crotch.
Kevin: [music plays] Whoo!
Dwight: Psst. We're not here. [slips Toblerone candy to Creed]
Creed: Who said that?
Dwight: Exactly.
Creed: How'd I get this long triangle?
Dwight: Okay, just shut it.
Pam: Is he puffing out his chest?
Dwight: I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. [Jim says something and Cathy laughs] Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?
Pam: No. Maybe he just said something funny.
Dwight: Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that.
Pam: I think he's just making her laugh.
Dwight: Time for me to find out.
Pam: Why's he making her laugh so much?
Dwight: Just going to walk over here- [fake trips] whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! [grabs Jim's crotch]
Jim: Dwight!
Cathy: Are you okay?
Dwight: I'm fine, I'm totally fine.
Jim: Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight: Yes? [Jim pushes Dwight's hands away] Wha- Jim.
Jim: [to Cathy] Sorry about that.
Dwight: Aw, cramp, I'm just- [grabs Jim's crotch again]
Jim: Dwight! [pushes Dwight's hands away] Why?
Dwight: I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance.
Jim: Leave.
Dwight: [to Pam] Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.
Pam: Why was he making her laugh so much?
Pam: Oh, hey, I'll just be a second.
Cathy: Yeah, take your time.
Pam: Okay.
Cathy: [to Jim] Oh, that line from Zoolander?
Jim: Mm-hmm?
Cathy: It was from a deleted scene so we were both right.
Jim: [laughs] Told you.
Cathy: Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or-
Pam: Oscar, Cathy has a question!
Cathy: Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar.
Pam: [to Jim] Yeah?
Jim: You okay?
Pam: Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it.
Jim: Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?
Pam: Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now.
Dwight: She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate.
Pam: Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do.
Dwight: And she called it nuts?
Darryl: Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going.
Kevin: Mm-hmm.
Andy: Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?
Kevin: Are you serious? From Star Trek?
Darryl: [to Val] Hey, you caught some of that?
Val: I caught it.
Darryl: What, you don't like the blues?
Val: I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues.
Andy: Well, we are playing. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us. [music starts]
Val: I think the music left without you.
Dwight: Come on.
Jim: Stop shoving me.
Dwight: [mocking] Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.
Jim: [to Pam] Really?
Pam: This could all go away if you just tell me the truth.
Old Man: Uh, are you all in line?
Dwight: Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? [to Jim] Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert?
Jim: Si.
Pam: Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?
Dwight: We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.
Old Man: You have to share the machine with others.
Dwight: [mimicking] Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten.
Jim: Okay, Dwight, come on. [to old man] You can go first.
Old Man: Thank you.
Dwight: Jim, are you serious?
Jim: Oh, you know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush.
Andy: Maybe we could switch instruments.
Kevin: Yeah.
Andy: Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised.
Darryl: Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right?
Andy: We had to leave because of creative differences.
Darryl: Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing.
Kevin: Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now.
Darryl: No man, we are.
Andy: Well-
Darryl: No, no, no.
Dwight: [to old man] Okay, you're done.
Old Man: I have a new heart, you know.
Dwight: Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we?
Jim: No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time.
Dwight: Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?
Jim: No.
Dwight: Yep, he's lying.
Pam: Ah, see, was that so hard?
Jim: I am not lying.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test?
Dwight: I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really?
Pam: Wait, what?
Dwight: Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar.
Pam: Jim, you have high blood pressure.
Dwight: Oh, he is definitely attracted to her.
Pam: Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?
Jim: Yeah, but I don't smoke.
Pam: When was the last time you went to the doctor?
Jim: I don't know.
Dwight: It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-
Pam: Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you?
Jim: Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul.
Dwight: It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor.
Dwight: Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?
Pam: Just go home. It doesn't matter.
Dwight: But... hey, Cece's toothbrush.
Jim: Thank you.
Andy and Darryl: Oh baby I love your way.
Darryl: Every day.
Andy and Darryl: Wanna be with you night and day.
Darryl and Kevin: And day.
Andy and Darryl: Oh baby I love your way.
Andy: [scatting] Rudit-do-do-do-di-do.


Gabe: The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-
Kelly: Oh my God, kill me!
Andy: Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It's okay.
Gabe: Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it's not, you work for me, so... Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-
Pam: [whispers to Jim] I'm gonna do it.
Gabe: And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-
Pam: Oh! I'm going into labor! Oh my goodness!
Jim: Oh okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!
Pam: I know it's wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary.
Pam: [after Angela gives her a stack of files]: I'm going into labor!
Phyllis: Or should I have corndogs. I mean-
Pam: I'm going into labor!
Ryan: Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-
Pam: I'm going into labor.
Pam: Here we go!
Andy: Hey guys, uh, can't keep saying you're going into labor. Everyone knows you're full of it.
Kelly: Yeah.
Oscar: It's not fair, you guys.
Kelly: Pitiful.
Meredith: It's stupid.
Andy: Never cry wolf.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Okay.
Erin: Oh. [liquid splatters]
Pam: Oh! Oh!
Everyone: Oh! Oh my goodness!
Jim: Oh my God!
Pam: I'm really in labor! This is happening!
Jim: Okay guys, here we go! We'll see you!
Pam: Oh!
Jim: How do you feel?
Erin: Drive carefully!
Oscar: Good luck!
Everyone: Goodbye! Good luck! [empty bottle falls to the ground]
Pam: False alarm.
Andy: [on the phone] What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients- it's like a war out there.
Andy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.
Andy: Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?
Erin: It's right here in PA.
Andy: [gags, coughs] Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is-
Angela: Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg.
Andy: That sounds super inspiring! I'm in!
Dwight: Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.
Oscar: Actually it is the northernmost.
Dwight: Ha!
Dwight: The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. [scoffs] Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.
Andy: Charge!
Phyllis: Well, this could be fun. I-
Andy: Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?
Ryan: What's the halal option?
Andy: Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese.
Ryan: Out.
Andy: You know, it's the same as the kosher option. There's a lesson in there. I mean, I can't force you to go. You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But... who's coming with me?
Erin: I'm in.
Phyllis: I'm in too.
Dwight: Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.
Andy: Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me. You're uninvited. I don't want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.
Kevin: Yes!
Andy: [passes out hats] One for you.
Erin: Cool. Thanks.
Andy: And one for you.
Jim: Cool. Thanks. [puts his hat on Erin's head]
Andy: And- oh. You missed your head. [laughs and puts hat on Jim's head] There you go. Phyllis, think fast!
Andy: All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War.
Darryl: You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV.
Phyllis: Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?
Andy: It's just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace, I'd be the first one suggesting it. I'd be rooting for it.
Everyone: Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!
Andy: All right, all right, all right.
Kevin: Not food and stuff.
Pam: Here. Like it?
Kevin: Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you've got to get the fire pit.
Pam: I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies.
Kevin: The fire pit is a no-brainer.
Robert: Oh, hi there.
Pam: Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.
Robert: Where is everyone? Where is Andy?
Kelly: Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.
Robert: Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here... is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office.
Ryan: Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I'm not even a sheep. I'm on the freaking moon.
Robert: So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don't be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! [wakes her up] Excited!
Kevin: [tries stapler/marker combo] Okay.
Andy: You guys...
Darryl: J-j-j-ju...
Andy: Get excited!
Darryl: Shh! Movie's almost over.
Andy: All right! We're here. Limitless can wait.
Gabe: Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless 'The Man with Many Capabilities.'
Andy: Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.
Darryl: I got Source Code on the way back.
Everyone: Ooh! All right!
Andy: Woo!
Andy: Whoa, where you going?
Jim: Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?
Andy: Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists.
Jim: No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour.
Phyllis: Yeah, sign says 'Begin tour here.'
Andy: Unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.
Andy: After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.
Erin: [to Dwight] Yeah, but I'm confused...
Dwight: Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...
Erin: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.
Erin: Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.
Dwight: Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. [laughs] I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.
Oscar: Dwight, what are you telling this girl?
Dwight: The truth.
Oscar: Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.
Erin: Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.
Dwight: No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.
Erin: Interesting.
Dwight: Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.
Oscar: Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?
Dwight: Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-
Oscar: he's a historian.
Dwight: Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?
Oscar: Yes, yes, yes!
Dwight: Not by a long shot!
Erin: No!
Oscar: Yes!
Dwight: No, it was not!
Oscar: Argh!
Dwight: No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?
Oscar: What?
Dwight: Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!
Oscar: Erin-
Dwight: Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.
Erin: Get out of here!
Robert: I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?
Ryan: May I go first?
Robert: Absolutely.
Ryan: Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper.
Robert: This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?
Ryan: Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-
Robert: That was bad.
Stanley: If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.
Robert: The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.
Stanley: In the African-American community-
Robert: No.
Stanley: [murmurs] Thought it was worth a try.
Darryl: That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?
Park Ranger: Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-
Dwight: Excuse me, I got a question for you.
Park Ranger: Sure.
Dwight: Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?
Park Ranger: Uh, I haven't heard of that one.
Dwight: Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?
Oscar: I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.
Andy: We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho!
Chelsea: [taps Gabe's shoulder] Are you Lincoln?
Gabe: No, no, I'm-
Gabe: Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it.
Chelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.
Gabe: Okay, Quick.
Man: Hey! Lincoln's starting. [light applause]
Gabe: Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- [laughter] Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. [laughter]
Pam: Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.
Robert: I am not.
Pam: Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Pam: At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.
Robert: Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.
Kevin: Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...
Robert: Cookies. Cookie placement.
Kevin: Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'
Robert: Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? [everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs] There you go. Consensus.
Ryan: Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy.
Gabe: [as Lincoln] I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.
Audience: No!
Kevin: Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... [scoffs] like, forget it.
Robert: Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?
Stanley: how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.
Robert: That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. [laughs]
Kevin: Thank you.
Jim: By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?
Andy: Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought.
Jim: Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.
Andy: Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.
Darryl: Hunger for hamburger.
Erin: Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?
Darryl: That's good.
Andy: Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? [holds up flag] I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars.
Jim: Only two hundred dollars?
Andy: We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left.
Darryl: Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man.
Andy: Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!
Andy: Spangler Springs is a mile this way.
Jim: Oh wow. So that's two miles if you incorporate the walk back.
Andy: Its' I mean come on.
Phyllis: I don't think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus.
Andy: Alright fine. You know what ' I guess this place just hasn't rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I'm still going. And I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm not even going to look back. I'm just going to assume that you're with me.
Dwight: [Andy looks back to find everyone sitting] You said you weren't going to look back.
Robert: And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?
Kevin: I don't know.
Robert: Right. I mean you're an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.
Kevin: Yes. I am an accountant.
Oscar: Dwight ' this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.
Dwight: Really?
Oscar: Yeah.
Dwight: Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.
Archivist: Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.
Oscar: You've heard about it?
Dwight: YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.
Archivist: There you go.
Narrator: Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.
Soldier: Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.
Dwight: Hallowed ground.
Narrator: But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.
Amanda: [on film] You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers ' these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive' and well' fabulous.
Oscar: Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.
Dwight: I've seen enough.
Oscar: You're right. There should be a monument to this.
Kevin: Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They'll just break your heart.
Robert: [laughing] Kevin!
Ryan: Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.
Kevin: What?!? No!
Robert: Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.
Ryan: It's really, really good Robert. Let me explain.
Kevin: No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.
Robert: Well what is the idea?
Kevin: Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.
Ryan: You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. [patting Kevin on the back] That is 100 percent your idea.
Robert: Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?
Andy: [making pencil imprint] Dammit.
Darryl: Hey.
Andy: You guys came. Where's everyone else?
Darryl: Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.
Andy: Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.
Jim: Yeah sorry everyone else didn't come. I think they're just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.
Andy: Even without an audience you're still at it.
Jim: What are you talking about?
Andy: Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That's what you did with this trip.
Jim: Andy ' this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It's just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you're our regional manager. And guess what man? You don't have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don't believe me take a look at what's on my head. I'm wearing a very pink hat. I've been getting weird looks all day because I'm pretty sure 'DM does GB' means something kinda sexual. But guess who's wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That's huge.
Andy: You don't like the hats?
Jim: They're terrible.
Darryl: I hate myself.
Andy: They just didn't turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird.
Andy: [voiceover the three walking] The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that's good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it's really more like they're just people who work in an office and I'm their manager. Yeah that's really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.
Gabe: Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. [in Lincoln voice] Oh Mary this is wonderful' Ok Mary stop your scolding. I'll be quiet. [aside to the audience] I need her like I need a hole in the head! [scattered chuckles from the crowd] [Gabe raises his hand with a finger pointed in the shape of a gun to his head] BANG! Ooh [Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps, Gabe picks up the Lincoln hat, bows, runs to the crowd and trades it back for his pink 'DM does GB' hat and runs off]
Robert: Haha! There he is. You mind lending a hand? I'm typing up a memo to share your ideas with the board.
Kevin: I can do that.
Robert: Great...ok.
Kevin: Your arm feels good on my back.
Kevin: For some reason, my boss is obsessed with cookies. It's not my specialty. My specialty is pizza. But I'm flexible.
Andy: Charge!
Kelly: Isn't Gettysburg like three hours away?
Erin: No. It's like two hours and forty-six minutes.
Andy: It's kind of a haul, so we should probably get going. And tuna, I made a special sandwich for you, guess which kind.
Jim: Tuna?
Andy: Yes! Tuna of the land. Turkey. With pesto.
Jim: And to drink?
Andy: Water.
Jim: Oh-ho, I am in.
Jim: I'm excited, I've actually never been to Gettysburg. Uh, my family was gonna go once, but then my brothers convinced me if was full of dead soldier zombies, so I freaked out and we turned the car around. But I'm older now, I can outrun a zombie.
Andy: Getting everyone on the bus, check. Giving everyone hats, check. Sexiest eastern European girls, uh, check.
Darryl: Hey, Devil's Den is that way, we should check it out. That's where the snipers hid.
Andy: Please! Everyone and their mother goes to Devil's Den. It's the Olive Garden of Gettysburg.
Phyllis: Oh, I like Olive Garden.
Andy: Well, I meant that in a bad way. Obviously it tastes good, but it's not cool.
Jim: Where do all the cool kids go when they come to this consecrated ground?
Andy: That is what I'm showing you.
Dwight: I know what you guys are all thinking right now: Hey, let's go pee on the grave of some confederate soldiers, but you know what? Joke's on you. It only makes the flowers grow back more beautifully.
Dwight: Best thing you can do for the deceased is to pee on their graves. Then you dance and work the urine into the root systems. Doesn't hurt to have a smile on your face, either.
Oscar: Guys! Over here, we found the bus.
Phyllis: Open the door, Jim.
Jim: It's locked.
Phyllis: Are you sure? Yeah, it's locked.
Dwight: It's not locked, gimme that...
Jim: That's weird, if it's not locked, why isn't it opening?
Dwight: It's, it's latched closed.
Jim: Ok, you know what? Andy probably has the number for this guy. I'm gonna find him.
Darryl: I'll come with you.
Phyllis: Ow! Ee! I sat on my sandwich.
Oscar: And that's how the printing press was invented.
Andy: [enters office doing Michael Jackson impression] Everybody beat it. Don't beat it, stay where you are.
Erin: There you are. Dillinger Graphics said their shipment is late.
Andy: What did you say?
Erin: Nothing, I just-
Andy: What would you say?
Erin: That it'll be the first shipment out today.
Andy: That is exactly the right thing to say! Do it! Git-er-done! Phyllis, you just married Joe Order, you're new name is Phyllis Order [fill this order], get it?
Phyllis: I don't get it.
Andy: Jim, in regards to our high-five scheduled for four PM today, it has been moved up to now. Yes.
Jim: We didn't have one scheduled.