Michael: Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community.
Kids: YAY!
Michael: Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Don't worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha... [bumps into something] ... ha ha ha.
Jim: We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because, as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company.
Michael: I am going to scare these kids so bad.
Darryl: This is the spookiest warehouse in the world, kids. You don't believe me? Just take a look. [Kevin chops into Erin, who is dressed as Princess Fiona] Oh. Scary, huh? This is a surgery with an octopus and a burn victim.
Angela: Black widow.
Kelly: Lulu from The Fifth Element.
Darryl: Nobody told me what people were, alright? So... label yourselves or take what you get.
Creed: I want to sell your blood!
Ryan: That's really not the trend in vampires right now.
Darryl: Here is an old man and a goth dude... and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell.
Meredith: I'm a hobo.
Darryl: I asked for a list. [Dwight rides in on a tricycle, laughing diabolically] ...and a clown.
Dwight: I'm Jigsaw, idiot.
Darryl: You're not as scary as Book Face, over there.
Jim: Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face.
Darryl: Ok, kids. You've all been so good and unbelievably patient so I think you are gonna get some candy!
Kids: Yeah! [a chair falls over, Michael is seen hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck - the kids scream]
Michael: Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright?
Michael: Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?
Michael: It is the easy way out. You are not alone.
Darryl: What the hell is wrong with you?
Michael: Who wants candy?
Michael: ...and then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Jim: Wow.
Michael: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
Jim: I bet we would.
Michael: They have a TCBY booth.
Jim: Cool.
Michael: The same stuff you get downtown.
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: Do you like TCBY?
Jim: Who doesn't?
Michael: I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun
Erin: I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're expecting the both of you in an hour.
Jim: Oh. Actually, it's just gonna be me.
Erin: They said the both of you.
Jim: That is a mistake.
Michael: You should give them a call. Check that out.
Jim: Alright. Let's clear this up. [on phone] Well, there's actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can- no. Nope. Why would that be a problem?
Michael: Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?
Jim: Great. See ya' then.
Michael: Wha- what?
Jim: They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.
Michael: Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.
Jim: I absolutely don't understand, either.
Michael: I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. Alright.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: Let me get your stroller.
Jim: Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?
Michael: What are you gonna call him?
Jim: Dave.
Michael: No. What is his name?
Jim: Dave.
Michael: Mr. Bourchard. They're very formal.
Jim: Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone.
Michael: Yeah, well... this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing?
Jim: Yes, it is.
Michael: ...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.
Jim: No thanks.
Michael: They are into style.
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: They are into appearance. We are selling success.
Jim: ...and paper.
Michael: That's sorta secondary. [offers Jim the watch again]
Jim: Nope. No.
Jim: He's trying to micro-co-manage me... or co-micro... manage... me.
Pam: Here we are outside-
Andy: WB!
Pam: #NAME?
Andy: Industrial P.! Makin' cold calls.
Pam: The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them.
Andy: [singing] Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.
Pam: Here it is. [Andy is still singing] Suite 401.
Andy: Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.
Pam: I know. Now you don't have to.
Andy: Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. [sings] Suite 401.
Michael: Alright. Hi. Any messages?
Erin: You're soaking wet.
Michael: Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning.
Phyllis: Wow. Sounds scary.
Michael: It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't.
Angela: Why isn't Jim wet?
Jim: I outran it.
Meredith: I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Michael: It rained.
Dwight: Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?
Michael: Nothing. Cocoa.
Jim: I'll just leave that suit in your office then.
Michael: Good. Yep.
Secretary: Must be nice to have company on these cold calls.
Andy: We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. [points to Pam's tummy]
Secretary: How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet?
Pam: [Andy shakes his head 'no'] Oh. No, no. [laughing] We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together.
Andy: [miffed] Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies.
Erin: [Michael is walking around in one of Jim's suits] Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi pond.
Michael: Ok. Thank you.
Stanley: Did you say 'Koi pond'?
Michael: [phone rings] Yeah?
Erin: Michael, people are asking questions.
Michael: Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?
Phyllis: Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond?
Michael: Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond?
Jim: Mmm... it's like Michael said. It was some- something else.
Michael: It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
Angela: So you fell in?
Michael: No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela: So a child had fallen in?
Michael: Not yet!
Kevin: That is hilarious. [extends hand for a fist bump]
Michael: No it is- don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. [Stanley laughs]
Jim: Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in. It was... how long it took him to get out.
Pam: And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area.
Customer: Well that sounds like a really nice deal.
Andy: Sha-bow.
Customer: And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too.
Andy: Oh, wow. You thought that- oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not.
Customer: My mistake. Sorry.
Pam: It's ok.
Andy: Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not ok. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine.
Customer: That- that's good for you.
Pam: Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes.
Andy: Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like.
Pam: Yeah.
Pam: You were way meaner to me than I was to you.
Andy: No I wasn't. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.
Pam: You blew the sale, you idiot.
Andy: Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale.
Michael: Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?
Erin: Staples? [Kevin clears his throat] Uh, David Wallace called.
Michael: Oh. He did? What did he say?
Erin: He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it.
Michael: Ok.
Kevin: [whispers to Erin] I'm gonna kill you.
Stanley: Michael, don't listen to them.
Michael: Thank you, Stanley.
Stanley: You just ignore their carp.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay.
Creed: Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?
Michael: I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story.
Oscar: Don't you mean 'Koi Story'?
Phyllis: And when you fell in, did you flounder?
Dwight: Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and -
Michael: I know what a flounder is.
Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good.
Michael: The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?
Phyllis: Michael, you make fun of us every day.
Michael: Uh...
Kevin: Yeah. Every single day.
Michael: You never said anything.
Meredith: Uh, we have. Countless times.
Michael: Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop because I want you to stop' or STOP as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!'
Angela: That's never the case.
Michael: We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes 'Koi pond' on the list] Ok. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Ok. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.
Dwight: I don't want people making fun of my nose.
Michael: Your nose?
Dwight: It's too small.
Michael: Alright.
Oscar: Oh my. That is small.
Dwight: Just, write it down, please.
Oscar: Can you breathe okay?
Kelly: What keeps your glasses on?
Dwight: Hey! It's on the list, everybody.
Michael: No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance.
Kevin: I don't want people making fun of my weight.
Michael: Ok. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yeah? [writes Huge Gut] Meredith?
Meredith: I don't want to say it out loud.
Michael: Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.
Meredith: I really didn't want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so... what are you gonna do? [she writes 'sex with a terrorist']
Michael: Ok.
Andy: That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it.
Keena Gifford: Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple.
Andy: Well-
Pam: Oh- [both look at each other and together say] Thank you.
Keena Gifford: Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do.
Pam: Well, you know.
Andy: Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-
Pam: He loves to eat.
Andy: I love to dance-
Pam: I love to watch him dance.
Andy: Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room-
Pam: And I'll just watch him.
Keena Gifford: And a baby on the way? You must be so excited.
Pam: Yes.
Andy: Yeah. We are thrilled.
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Andy: In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey?
Pam: It was, sweetie.
Keena Gifford: Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet.
Andy: Yeah. On Clearview Avenue.
Keena Gifford: Yeah!
Andy: Yeah.
Angela: This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel.
Phyllis: So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal?
Erin: Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. [everyone shows remorse]
Michael: It's a fish.
Erin: They want you to pay for it.
Michael: It could've died of natural causes. So...
Erin: Well, they said you stepped on it's head. He did not suffer.
Oscar: When is the funeral?
Michael: Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want?
Erin: $300.00
Michael: What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.
Creed: Oh, you're payin' way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy?
Jim: Ok. Great meeting, everybody. That's it.
Michael: No, no.
Dwight: Thank you. [everyone begins to leave]
Michael: No. We are not done here. This-
Andy: One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly wht the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick!
Keena Gifford: That's great!
Andy: Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me.
Pam: Yeah, well, that'll happen.
Andy: Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too. [leans over and kisses Pam's belly]
Pam: Sometimes we're so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting.
Andy: Message received, little soy bean.
Jim: I think you just gotta ride this one out, man.
Michael: No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'.
Jim: No, they don't.
Michael: Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail.
Jim: Maybe if you make fun of yourself it'll all go away.
Michael: I want to make fun of you right now.
Jim: Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball.
Michael: No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid.
Jim: See?
Michael: Oh, my God.
Michael: Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? [everyone starts laughing] Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to.
Phyllis: Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby?
Michael: Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem.
Dwight: Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.
Michael: It's ok. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to hrow me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. [Michael begins to lose his cool] Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the friends- the five- the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. [realizing he's going downhill] Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice.
Kevin: [watching Angela eat something] Enjoying your nut?
Oscar: Kevin.
Angela: Why?
Kevin: I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut.
Angela: I was.
Michael: Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over.
Jim: Mm... I'm, know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitity training, so...
Kevin: We'll stay late.
Andy: Well, that went pretty well.
Pam: Yeah, I guess.
Andy: We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it.
Pam: If I'm being completely honest, I could've done without the belly kiss.
Andy: You know what? I'm sorry. 'Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much.
Pam: Yeah. Way too much.
Andy: Yeah.
Pam: I mean, what the hell was that?
Andy: What the heck was that?
Pam: When you cried?
Andy: Agh- try almost cried, ok? I just got caught up in the fantasy.
Pam: You're fantsy involves comparison shopping birthing classes?
Andy: No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right?
Pam: Hmm.
Andy: I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I'm so sick of being single.
Pam: Well, are you dating anyone?
Andy: What do you think of Erin? I mean- she's- I- She's kinda cool.
Pam: Ah.
Andy: You think I can do better?
Pam: Ah.
Andy: Gotta get my goin' out on.
Meredith: Hey, let's watch this thing.
Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Yeah. We're not watchin' this.
Oscar: How can we not watch this?
Jim: What happened to 'Do Not Mock'?
Phyllis: We're not mocking, we're watching.
Jim: That will inevitably lead to mocking. So...
Phyllis: Well, we'll deal with it as it comes.
Michael: Is this the tape of me falling?
Phyllis: Yes. Put the DVD in.
Kevin: Open QuickTime.
Oscar: It starts on it's own. Let it -
Kevin: No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I've done this.
Jim: Guys. Michael can't handle this and as your boss I'm saying we're not watching it.
Michael: No. It's ok. Watch it. He can't fire all of you.
Jim: What are you doing?
Michael: It's alright. I can handle it.
Jim: No.
Michael: I am a grown-up, Jim.
Meredith: Shh. It's on.
Kevin: Here they come. [everyone reacts to seeing Michael fall in] Boom!
Oscar: Oh. Did - did you see that?
Jim: See what?
Angela: Why'd you stop it?
Jim: Oscar, yes. You're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it.
Oscar: Jim, you let Michael fall in.
Dwight: Play it again. [everyone has the same reaction as before] He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.
Jim: Oh... man. I thinke when I started to see you go in I think I just froze.
Michael: I don't think you froze.
Jim: It's a killer new dance move. [re-enacts leaning back] Do you wanna talk in your office?
Angela: No.
Jim: I didn't ask you. [back to Michael] Would you like to talk? [walks away]
Dwight: Judas.
Dwight: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-
Jim: I should've grabbed you. I'm sorry. Look, I thought I could've done today's sales call alone. I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job.
Michael: Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.
Meredith: [as Jim enters the kitchen] Hey, what's up lifeguard?
Oscar: Jim, I think I'm in your way. [leans back - they both exit]
Michael: Oscar's a douche.
Jim: [laughing] He's alright.
Michael: No. He's a- yeah, he's alright. Ok. [holds door open as they exit]
Jim: Thanks Michael.
Michael: You're welcome. Whoa! [leans back] Almost fell. [they both laugh]
Pam: Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me?
Erin: Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don't accidentally read them.
Pam: Ok.
Erin: Thanks.
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Erin: How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?
Pam: No. It was a total waste of time. Um... it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool.
Erin: Yeah, he is!
Pam: Yeah, he is.
Erin: He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met.
Pam: That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando.
Erin: Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.
Pam: I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah.


Dwight: Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?
Stanley: Thank you. [reaches for bagel]
Dwight: No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.
Andy: Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?
Dwight: Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?
Phyllis: This is really nice Dwight, thanks.
Andy: Thanks.
Dwight: Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one.
Dwight: Good morning Michael.
Michael: Morning Dwight.
Dwight: Hungry?
Michael: No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers. Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.
Dwight: Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.
Michael: Well, yeah...
Dwight: You're thinking of deer penis.
Michael: It worked.
Dwight: Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. [holds up tray] Bagel?
Michael: I don't mind if I do.
Dwight: K. I brought cheese too.
Michael: I'm taking one for my lady friend.
Dwight: Excellent.
Michael: Brain food. Thank you very much.
Dwight: Okay. [walks out of Michael's office] You owe me.
Dwight: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
Dwight: Pam, would you care for a bagel?
Pam: Oh, no thank you.
Dwight: That's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.
Pam: I have an early lunch.
Pam: Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out.
Erin: These are amazing. You took all these?
Ryan: I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti. Photography lets me capture all that. Have you ever been photographed before?
Erin: Oh just by like friends.
Ryan: Well here's what I've been doing around here. It's for a series on exposure in the workplace.
Helene: [walks into the office] Whoohoo! Pammy?
Pam: Hey! [gets up to greet Helene] Hey. Happy birthday.
Helene: Thank you. [they hug]
Michael: [comes over to hug them both] My girls. There they are. [Pam walks away]
Michael: Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your 'Gee I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother' and fixes all occurrences of 'I don't really see them together'. So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.
Angela: Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?
Pam: I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding.
Michael: Yeah-
Kevin: Hi.
Michael: I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we?
Helene: Wait a minute. [looks at the bag in Michael's hand] Is that another birthday present for me cause you already gave me a necklace.
Kelly: Oh my God I love it. [looks at camera and shakes head]
Helene: Tell her how you gave it to me.
Michael: No, that wouldn't be-
Helene: He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. What a nice way to wake up.
Michael: Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to- inappropriosity.
Kevin: Because of sex?
Michael: Hey-
Pam: Kevin!
Michael: Please, Kevin. You're fired. [Kevin looks at Jim; Jim shakes his head] Sorry, sorry. Work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go?
Pam: Yes, let's go. [looks at Erin and nods]
Erin: Oh, wait. Um- Swartz Lumber is on the phone for you Pam and they say it's urgent.
Pam: Oh, you guys. Just one second. [picks up phone] Oh my gosh! Are you serious? Shipping emergency. I don't think I can go to lunch.
Jim: Oh man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out too.
Pam: I know. Isn't that always how it goes?
Jim: Rarely. If ever. Let me give it a whirl. I'll talk to them.
Pam: I want to handle it.
Jim: That's okay.
Pam: I feel like its-
Jim: It's my pleasure. [takes phone from Pam] Hello? Well that's great. [hangs up phone] Turns out the paper was there all along.
Creed: [sighs] Thank God.
Creed: Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.
Helene: So, Pammy- are you still liking sales?
Pam: Yeah- it's exciting.
Helene: Well, you know- Michael and I were- talking, and maybe if you put a little more face to face time with your clients you could improve your sales.
Jim: Pam's sales are fine actually.
Michael: Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: Today is about family.
Pam: Why did I get in the car? I could of struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn't even blow it.
Andy: Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you.
Dwight: Let me guess- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.
Andy: Yes! [they laugh] And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory.
Dwight: Wow-
Andy: Feel it against your cheek.
Dwight: I will. [Andy rubs the briefcase against Dwight's face]
Andy: You give me a gift- Bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere- Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor- Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.
Dwight: Let me get that door for you- [runs to open door]
Andy: Whoa-
Dwight: There you go!
Andy: Thank you very much. Now I've got it for you. [holds open door]
Dwight: Oh... goodness... thanks. You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees.
Andy: Is that right?
Dwight: Observe. [walks towards desk]
Andy: Huh. [laughs; follows Dwight]
Dwight: Right?
Andy: That really works.
Dwight: Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime. Okay.
Andy: Hey- oh, hold on a second. Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus.
Dwight: [straightens Andy's tie] And that needs to be straight as an arrow.
Andy: Whoa- thank you very much. [takes off Dwight's glasses and blows on them] Oh boy.
Dwight: Thank you very much for that.
Andy: [puts Dwight's glasses back on Dwight's face] You are very welcome.
Dwight: [pulls out Andy's chair] Have a seat. Allow me.
Andy: [pulls out Dwight's chair] Have a seat yourself.
Dwight: You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.
Andy: Not necessary.
Dwight: No, no, no! [takes mouse and runs away]
Andy: You didn't have to do that.
Dwight: Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.
Michael: Hello. Scott. Table for four.
Hostess: Welcome Scott family. It'll be just a moment.
Pam: I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too.
Michael: What table should we take? So many to choose from.
Jim: Wow.
Helene: [sees table decorated with a banner and balloons] Oh my God!
Michael: What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh, wait a second! You mean this one? Wow!
Pam: Michael, you did all this?
Michael: Not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it.
Helene: Well, thank you. All of you.
Michael: Well, it was actually me alone, so- wow look at this place. Really makes me want to go to Italy some day.
Helene: Oh you'll love it. You can have my guide books. I think I'm done with those really long plane rides.
Michael: Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books.
Pam: So, mom... which birthday are we celebrating this year?
Helene: [laughs] Sticking with 49.
Pam: 49 again? That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition.
Michael: That's funny.
Helene: Well, as long as you're running numbers Pam, then help me out with this one. Let's see your six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?
Jim: Oh, burn. Burn on you... and a little bit on me, too. [they laugh]
Michael: You're 54 years old.
Helene: No. I'm 58.
Michael: You're 58 years old?
Helene: Uh huh.
Michael: Congratulations.
Michael: The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.
Pam: Mom, have you decided what you want to be called?
Helene: Oh, well I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma.
Pam: Please be Grandma.
Jim: Definitely Grandma.
Pam: I want you to be Grandma.
Helene: Oh, Michael what do you think? Grandma?
Michael: [nods uncomfortably] That-
Pam: Yay, Grandma!
Michael: Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think?
Pam: Maybe.
Michael: Helene?
Helene: Oh, oh no. I don't think so.
Michael: I am. I'm definitely going to do it. I've already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in?
Helene: Oh no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out. It just- doesn't interest me.
Michael: So it's a matter of interest. Good, okay. It's not anything you would have ever done.
Helene: Hmm... I might have done it when I was younger, but now there's just other things I'd rather be doing, instead of running and jumping and swimming-
Michael: Well there's no jumping in a triathlon.
Helene: Oh-
Michael: You're thinking of the broad jump. Would you try- bungee jumping?
Helene: No, no... [laughs]
Michael: Snowboarding?
Helene: You want to go snowboarding?
Michael: I might.
Helene: Michael, what are you talking about?
Michael: [sighs] Nothing. Just life- and doing things- before you die. I don't know.
Michael: Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.
Andy: [singing fanfare] Aye-yi-yi! [lifts covers off trays of food]
Dwight: What's going on in here?
Oscar: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight: Oh... no... really?
Andy: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight: There is no book. There's only a survival guide.
Andy: You bought breakfast for everyone, so I got lunch for everyone.
Dwight: Okay, well, allow me. You know what- gosh these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos! Gra-ga-ga-ga-ga!
Michael: So we should get the check?
Pam: What about your gift Michael?
Michael: Oh, no, no, no. No. It's stupid. You'd hate it. I hate it.
Helene: I'm sure I won't.
Michael: Yes you will.
Pam: He locked himself in his office all morning working on it.
Helene: Gimme. Look at this wrapping paper. It's got the word love on it in every language.
Pam: Aww-
Michael: I literally- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper.
Helene: [opens present, reads inscription] A scrapbook of our first memories by Michael Gary Scott. For my girlfriend Helene on your birthday. [laughs]
Michael: That's just an arbitrary title.
Helene: Ok, there's a penny. What's that from?
Jim: Penny for your thoughts.
Helene: It was from the wishing well at the mall. You threw it in. I went back later, waded in and I found it.
Jim: Wow.
Pam: That's amazing.
Michael: It's not amazing... at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.
Helene: [looking through the book] A poem!
Michael: Oh that I plagiarized I think.
Helene: [reading] I can not go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay...
Jim: [whispers to Pam] Shel Silverstein.
Pam: Yeah.
Helene: Um- I have the measles and the mumps, a gash, a rash and purple bumps. And my teachers really mean- Happy Birthday , I love you Helene.
Pam: That's really nice Michael.
Michel: I think it sucks.
Helene: I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful.
Michael: Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational- sort of gap between us.
Helene: [hugging book] God... it's a scrapbook.
Pam: Home run Michael.
Jim: You set the bar so high.
Michael: That was a bunt.
Andy: Whoa, whoa Dwight. I'm going to do this.
Dwight: Hey, hey, hey- relax I got it covered.
Andy: No, I insist.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no, no, I insist. [pushes Andy out of the room and locks the door]
Andy: Ok, Dwight this is ridiculous.
Dwight: Don't worry about it. You can just owe me.
Pam: Hey. Where'd you go?
Michael: Oh, just went to the bathroom.
Pam: And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?
Michael: I got thirsty.
Pam: Okay, weirdo. Come on. It's time for cake.
Michael: Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself.
Pam: Cakes really good.
Helene: Oh, I know. I love how they use butter cream frosting.
Michael: Finish your cake, Helene.
Helene: Hmmm?
Michael: I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.
Michael: Helene I think you're a wonderful person and I- God- I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.
Pam: Michael. Michael ,it's okay.
Michael: No it's not.
Pam: I know that it took me a little while to come around and its still a little weird to get used to, but you obviously make my mom very happy. And that makes me happy.
Michael: Wow. That just- you've really grown.
Pam: Well-
Michael: [covering eyes] Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who- who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping.
Jim: Okay, so-
Michael: And I want kids. And you... unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.
Pam: Michael.
Michael: It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer- [waitress comes over to pour water; long pause] - tility.
Helene: I, um- I got it.
Helene: I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?
Michael: Well, hobbies-
Jim: Stop.
Andy: [reaching for something on the top shelf] Ahh.
Dwight: What's going on?
Andy: Stupid things wedged up there. No one in this office will help me.
Dwight: Alright, move it.
Andy: What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.
Dwight: Oh yeah, you're going to owe me big time.
Andy: It's like a little envelope- there you go.
Dwight: Got it. [looks at envelope] To Dwight. Wha- [opens envelope] Starbucks gift card.
Andy: Surprise! [laughs] It's from everybody. $15 value.
Dwight: Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. [bends over and hold hand about 1/2 an inch from the floor] They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.
Michael: Pamela Beesly Halpert-
Pam: What?
Michael: May I have a word with you in my office please?
Pam: I am working.
Michael: Well, this is a work related matter.
Pam: Really?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: Really?
Michael: Yes. Join me please, won't you? [Pam gets up and follows Michael into his office] I am going to give you a raise.
Pam: Why?
Michael: Because of all the good work you've done.
Pam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Michael: That's- no, no- it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
Pam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Michael: Do you want the raise or what?
Pam: Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]
Michael: Hey, Pam, Pam- with this raise there are strings attached. [Pam sighs] And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
Pam: You're bribing me?
Michael: No! No- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't- unless I haven't offered you enough... your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or-
Pam: I want to hit you.
Michael: What?
Pam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.
Michael: [nervous laughter] Oh- okay , what? I don't- Are you kidding?
Pam: No. Are you kidding?
Michael: Ye- No. Alright. I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just-
Pam: No. I don't think I can hit you in the office.
Michael: Okay.
Pam: So, um... we'll do it after work. In the parking lot. In front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can.
Michael: Okay.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Okay.
Pam: See you then.
Michael: See you.
Ryan: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Ryan: Quick question.
Kelly: Yeah.
Ryan: Are you scared?
Michael: Never. About what? A little- what are you talking-
Ryan: We heard about the punch.
Michael: What punch?
Kelly: Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work.
Michael: I'm pretty sure we said slap.
Kelly: No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now.
Ryan: I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Do you?
Michael: I- mmm- I'm good.
Ryan: alright. See you there.
Michael: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Do you and Pam ever get frisky?
Jim: Inappropriate.
Michael: I mean- do you ever wrestle with each other?
Jim: All the time.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: She strong?
Jim: She wants it bad Michael.
Michael: Can you stop this?
Jim: I can.
Michael: Okay.
Jim: And I don't support her choice to hit you.
Michael: I don't either.
Jim: But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning.
Michael: Mmm-hmm. I know.
Jim: I just need some time.
Michael: You gotta do something-
Jim: I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision.
Michael: How much time do you think you'll need?
Jim: No more than a week. Maybe two weeks.
Michael: Come on, man!
Toby: Pam, can I talk to you for a second?
Pam: Oh...
Toby: I heard about the hit. Just- make sure it's off company property, right?
Pam: Right.
Toby: Okay, I think we should probably be okay.
Pam: Okay.
Toby: Okay. And- the-the power- comes from the back foot. So its- its all one motion through the- body. So you stay a little low and there's a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm. [demonstrates punch] Pow!
Pam: [stands up; gets into stance] Okay wait- it's- you're saying it comes from the foot.
Toby: Yes.
Pam: Okay. [punches Toby's hand]
Toby: Yes.
Pam: Wow!
Toby: Okay.
Meredith: Hey everybody, he's not in the men's room although the seat was warm so we may have just missed him.
Kevin: My money's on Pam.
Oscar: It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be?
Kevin: Michael could win.
Oscar: How? He can't hit back.
Kevin: Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?
Michael: Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it. [claps hands] Let's do this.
Michael: It's okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home.
Kevin: We're here for the show, Michael.
Michael: You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?
Kelly: It has almost no calories.
Pam: Are you ready?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: [goes to punch Michael; he flinches] You have to keep your hands down, Michael.
Michael: I know. [sighs] Okay. Alright. [Pam goes to punch him again] Oh- God!
Pam: Michael, you have to put your hands down.
Angela: Put your hands in your pockets.
Michael: Okay! [braces himself] Pam, Pam- I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.
Pam: What are you sorry for?
Michael: So many things. I don't know. It's hard to choose.
Pam: How about for dating my mom?
Michael: Maybe that-
Pam: And dumping her on her birthday.
Michael: Yes.
Pam: Okay- just- don't ever date a member of my family again.
Michael: Okay. I promise. [Pam starts to walk away] For the record your mom came on to me. [Pam turns around and slaps him; he gasps]
Phyllis: Holy crap.
Pam: Are you okay?
Michael: No!
Pam: You're okay.
Jim: Feel better?
Pam: No. You were right.
Dwight: [walks with Michael back into the office; Michael is clutching is face and limping] Wait, why are you limping?
Michael: I don't know.
Dwight: Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.
Michael: As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me.
Michael: Ahh... [Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to his face]
Dwight: Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down.
Michael: Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight.
Dwight: Fire Jim.
Michael: No.
Dwight: I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him.
Michael: What are you talking about-
Dwight: Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.
Michael: Forget that.
Dwight: Can I have an office?
Michael: No.
Dwight: You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it.
Michael: [pats face] Oh that feels better.


Dwight: [screaming, Phyllis and Dwight wrestling] Got you! Broken arm! Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom! Ha, gonna flip you!
Jim: Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate... because as we all know, the one thing thousand year martial arts do all the time is change.
Dwight: How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch [screams, pretends to punch Meredith in the throat]
Jim: OK, so there's no defense for that, good to know.
Dwight: No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!
Kevin: No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
Dwight: False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!
Jim: OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight: That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.
Jim: So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?
Dwight: Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. [gives himself a fake throat punch] Block. Grasp wrist as such. [grasps wrist]
Jim: And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two.
Dwight: Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. [gives himself another throat punch and proceeds to both attack and defend himself] Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!
Jim: Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool.
Dwight: He really is, but not for long. [steps on foot] Ow! Instep, oh, not again. [more screaming] You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on.
Jim: You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.
Dwight: The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise. [hits himself in the groin and moans]
Michael: But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.
Andy: I did stand up comedy once.
Michael: You did?
Andy: Yeah, I killed.
Michael: That sounds like it was hilarious.
Andy: It was hilarious.
Dwight: Michael?
Michael: Yes?
Dwight: What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael: You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day.
Dwight: This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Woo hoo, shout out!
Dwight: Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP.
Michael: Erin, do we have the journal?
Erin: Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.
Michael: Did you?
Pam: Michael, he means the Wall Street Journal online.
Michael: Oh, the Wall.
Oscar: I found the article. [everyone walks over to his desk, he begins reading the article] 'On a day marked by panicked corporate board meetings, one that is relatively not surprising is Dunder Mifflin's. It is rumored that they will recommend... ' and the article cuts off.
Michael: It's $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say? [no one makes a move to pay for the article]
Jim: Are you serious? [starts typing on the computer and Andy begins to lean in toward the computer]
Andy: I got it, I got it... Oh, Tuna beat me to it.
Phyllis: It is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy.'
Michael: No, no, that doesn't make any sense.
Stanley: Oh lord, we're all gonna lose our jobs.
Oscar: Not necessarily, bankruptcy could mean a lot of things. Maybe they're just restructuring to get out of debt.
Michael: Oh, that sounds awful.
Oscar: Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Oh God. Well, that's an interesting theory.
Dwight: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.
David Wallace's Secretary: I'm sorry, Michael, David's in a meeting.
Michael: Ah, well maybe you should spy on him. [in Valley Girl voice] Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious! [laughs]
David Wallace's Secretary: Um, I'll just have him call you back.
Michael: OK, OK. Good. I'll catch you on the flippity flip. Bye. [hangs up phone] He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free.
Kevin: [retching sounds coming from the men's bathroom, Kevin walks to the door and goes in] Michael, are you OK? Did you throw up in there?
Michael: No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be.
Kevin: It smells like throw up in here.
Michael: Crazy world. Lotta smells.
Kelly: [in lunch room with several coworkers] Guys, what if this is our last day at work? What if we never see each other ever again? [Andy scoffs and looks over at Erin, Erin looks sad]
Andy: I like Erin. There, I said it. I was kinda hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front, so... it is time for the Nard Dog to take matters into his own paws.
Jim: [Michael in his office playing music loudly, Jim walks in and turns the volume down, Michael trailing off on singing] We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what's going to happen.
Michael: OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins.
Jim: Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine. So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they'll follow along.
Michael: Monkey see, monkey do.
Jim: That's it.
Michael: Monkey pee all over you.
Jim: That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today?
Michael: We have a monthly staff meeting
Jim: Alright, let's conference room it up! [everyone is now in the conference room] Here's the deal guys. There is no new information as of yet, so I suggest we all just keep working.
Jim: Sure I'm a little nervous, but doing our work will make us feel better. I only slack off when things are good.
Jim: Customers have to use the coupon code from the website. And as of now there is no differentiation between the letter O and the zero, but we are working on that. Stay tuned for that.
Dwight: [Michael leaves] He needs me. Seat saved infinity. [leaves]
Jim: OK, great.
Michael: [walks back in, on cell phone] What? Oh my God! [everyone starts asking questions] There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah. [runs back to his office]
Michael: Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.
Meredith: [reading the game box cover] Belles, Bourbon and Bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game.
Michael: It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it...
Jim: Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea.
Michael: This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder.
Jim: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this.
Michael: Tube City, you owe me one.
Jim: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.
Voice on CD player: August the 5th, 1955. It's a sad day down here in Savannah. Local magnate Bill Bourbon was killed last night and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate Bill as he passes on to his great reward. You're not just here to pay your respects, you have to figure out which of y'all is the no-count scoundrel who killed him.
Stanley: This is ridiculous. [gets up to leave, as does Angela]
Michael: There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.
Stanley: What kind of food?
Michael: Sandwich platters.
Stanley: I'm in. [sits back down]
Michael: Baby carrots. [Angela sits back down]
Michael: OK, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.
Kevin: Whoa, I'll try it.
Michael: OK, use your imaginations.
Andy: Who'd you get?
Erin: Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, a vivacious young socialite with a penchant for scandal.
Andy: Oooooo, saucy.
Erin: How about you?
Andy: Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and Nellie's brother.
Angela: Michael, I don't like this game. It's scary.
Michael: It's not scary.
Angela: I don't like my character.
Pam: Who are you?
Angela: Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps. I'm not comfortable with this. [holds up a head]
Michael: Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy. Every night, a different woman. Being oogled. Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful.
Michael: [looks at Oscar who is using his phone, grabs it] Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?
Oscar: It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company.
Michael: Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.
Ryan: You don't have to keep saying 'I do declare'. Any time you say something it means you are declaring.
Michael: That is the way Southern people talk.
Jim: And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?
Michael: Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery?
Pam: I'll go. [stands up, begins speaking with a southern accent] My name is Deborah U. Tante. Deb for short.
Andy: That's clever, Debutante.
Pam: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam: I do not.
Andy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin: Oooo, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy: Uh, not familiar, what province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.
Phyllis: You know, I think I'm supposed to say something to Pam, I mean, Deb, OK? [in character] I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept.
Dwight: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight: I will poison your food.
Andy: I reckon I got something to say to Miss Beatrix Bourbon, if'n she don't mind.
Michael: Oooooo, doggie, we got a party now!
Michael: I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.
Kevin: Y'all.
Creed: [Creed pulls into the parking lot and goes into the office] Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on?
Michael: [accent] Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.
Creed: OK. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and I'll be right back.
Michael: Very good, very good. Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. [Creed gets in his car and drives away]
Andy: [in character] Hey there young lady.
Erin: Hello.
Andy: I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.
Erin: Sounds like a plan, Sugar.
Andy: Alright, a plan it is.
Dwight: Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts.
Angela: It's not my fault, I was exposed to Harry Potter.
Dwight: I know you did it!
Dwight: I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, AKA Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.
Kevin: [in character] Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.
Erin: Well, you know ol' Nellie's always up for a romp in the hay.
Meredith: How about a threesome?
Erin: Yeah, my boudoir's always open.
Kevin: Nice.
Andy: I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer.
Oscar: I just got an email from corporate, specifically for Accounting to stop all payments to our vendors.
Phyllis: What does that mean?
Oscar: Well, maybe nothing but it could mean a problem with liquidity-
Michael: [accent] Whoa. What's this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son? This here's Savannah.
Oscar: [tries to speak in a high-pitched southern accent] This plantation, we're running low on greenbacks. We're having problems paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay... [in regular voice] - Michael, I can't - Basically it could mean a lot of things, but it is unprecedented, so it's cause for concern.
Jim: OK, I'm going back to work.
Michael: No no no no no no no. [accent] I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go.
Voice on CD player: Well by now you've figured out that ol' Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.
Phyllis: Michael, I was doing so well.
Michael: [accent] Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- that's a misdirection. We still don't know who the murderer is. [everyone leaves] Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here. I can't do this myself. Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do?
Jim: OK, so Corporate is still in their meeting.
Kevin: That could be a good sign.
Angela: Hey everyone, Kevin's going to give us his take on the situation. Let's listen up.
Jim: Alright guys, it's a work day and you guys work here, so let's go do some work.
Kevin: Now, Jim telling us all to work? I think that is a very good sign.
Angela: Don't just say things.
Jim: [Michael walks in] Oh, hey, Michael. Listen, I brought up those sales targets. Do you want to-
Michael: [accent] I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y'all skedaddled way too soon. We need to reopen this case.
Jim: No, you're not reopening the case. The case is closed.
Michael: No it ain't.
Dwight: Frankly, I'm not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns.
Andy: Just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. It's funny, the guy's dead the whole time.
Erin: I haven't seen it.
Andy: Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend?
Erin: [accent] Of course, Nathaniel.
Andy: Yeah, OK.
Erin: [accent] Where are you taking me?
Andy: [accent] Well, finest steakhouse in all Savannah.
Erin: [accent] Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.
Andy: Did you mean a real date?
Erin: No. [laughs] Did you?
Andy: Totally... not. [Erin gets up and walks away]
Erin: I thought it was for real. So I was excited, but it was just, it was part of the game.
Dwight: You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid?
Michael: I already declared you, it was too dark to tell.
Dwight: Stop playing games with me, Crawdad.
Michael: This is not a game, this is my life. You are out of order, sir.
Dwight: Answer me.
Michael: You are out of order.
Dwight: You are out of order.
Michael: You are-
Pam: I think Michael may have snapped.
Jim: Or maybe he's just stuck in character.
Pam: Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?
Jim: Both. They're both worse.
Jim: It's going to be alright. We're a good company, we'll figure this out. We're not going under.
Pam: Jim, what if we both lose our jobs? I'm trying to think of a way that this all ends up fine, and I can't think of one.
Michael: [comes into Jim's office using accent] Deb, what in the world - do you have the vapors?
Jim: Michael, not now.
Michael: Can't wait, we have to get you to our witch doctor right now. Come on. Come on.
Pam: I should just go. [accent] Where to now Caleb?
Michael: To Mama Juju Boo Boo.
Jim: Michael, can I... OK, I'm just going to skip right past the what and go with why.
Michael: Because this is the recreation of a crime scene.
Meredith: [laying on the ground] I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks.
Dwight: Hey shut up. You're dead.
Jim: Michael, can I talk to you in your office?
Michael: No Michael here, my name is-
Jim: Caleb!
Jim: Today of all days...
Michael: No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game, alright? [Jim nods]
Michael: [accent] Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. What can I do you for?
Erin: Wallace is on the phone. He's returning your call.
Michael: Detective Wallace?
Erin: I don't think so. I think it's David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here.
Oscar: You're not gonna answer the phone?
Michael: No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room.
Jim: I'll take it.
Jim: Hey David.
David: Hey, sorry to be getting back to you guys so late. Things are still a bit unclear, we didn't officially decide anything yet.
Jim: Oh, OK.
David: But if I can be candid with you here Jim, it's not good. We fully expect to be out of money by the end of the year. Insolvent. So, well... You know what? I'm sorry, I have to run. But we will talk soon, OK?
Jim: Sure. Oh, you know, while I have you... today I was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain, and it would actually be a big account and I wanted to-
David: You know what? I can't really get my head around anything like that right now, but that's great. Keep after it, but I gotta run.
Jim: OK.
David: Thanks Jim.
Jim: See ya.
Pam: [Jim comes out of the office] What's the news?
Jim: Nothing yet.
Phyllis: Well, I guess that's not-
Jim: Well there is some bad news. [accent] There has been another murder.
Michael: A murder, you say? I do declare.
Jim: Conference room everyone.
Stanley: Do we have to play?
Jim: No.
Stanley: Super.
Dwight: Oh, this could be a juicy one.
Michael: Get in there!
Jim: I think today was a good day to have two managers. 'Cause if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now.
Michael: There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. [regular voice] Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.
Andy: [Andy, Michael, and Dwight are pointing imaginary guns at each other] I didn't do it!
Dwight: OK, everybody just calm down.
Andy: I am calm.
Michael: On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns.
Dwight: I have crossbows.
Michael: We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?
Dwight: OK, I'm ready.
Michael: One, two, three.. [all scream]
Jim: Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that - get this- he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.
Jim: [Michael, Dwight, Andy and now Pam are in the circle and training their 'weapons' on each other, Jim walks in] Really?
Pam: [accent] It wasn't me. I'm not goin' down for this!
Jim: Yeah, I want to go home.
Pam: Get the keys out of my purse, start the car. [Jim and Pam slowly back out of the office, Pam has her weapon trained on everyone and then they run out]


Oscar: [Dwight enters dressed as Recyclops] Not again.
Dwight: Bow down before Recyclops.
Jim: Five years ago, corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day so Dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops.
Dwight: Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?
Jim: The next year he really stepped things up.
Dwight: Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?
Jim: A year after that Recylcops really began to take shape.
Dwight: Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.
Jim: Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing... I can't remember.
Dwight: Recyclops will have his revenge.
Jim: I think this was also the year he renounced Earth Day and vowed to the destroy the planet he once loved.
Pam: Oh my God, you guys, look. It's Recyclops.
Dwight: Recyclops destroys! [starts tearing through the office]
Stanley: Oh, is today Recyclops Day?
Dwight: Yes.
Stanley: I thought you were killed by Polluticorn.
Dwight: Polluticorn wishes. [starts spraying the office with something]
Andy: That's aerosol spray. It's terrible for the environment.
Dwight: Humans are terrible for the environment.
Pam: The thing I like most about Recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child.
Jim: Mmm.
Pam: A world where you truly can be anything you want.
Jim: God bless you, Recyclops. And your cold robot heart. [Dwight throws an aluminum can towards the recycling bin and misses]
Michael: [seated] Ok. Ok. How 'bout this? [rises, waves, sits back down]
Pam: That's great.
Michael: I want it to be better than 'Great', Pam. How 'bout I remain seated... and I just do a little bit of a nod. Sort of a humble thing. [demonstrates]
Pam: Sure.
Michael: Nope. Then my face is down. They can't see my face.
Meredith: And it looks like you're taking a dump.
Michael: Alan Brand is the CEO of the company, if title's important to you, has personally invited moi to go to New York to the shareholder's meeting and sit up on the stage with the board of directors. And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have. And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd... and the crowd goes wild.
Andy: [doing an announcer voice] Ladies and gentlemen from Scranton, Pennsylvania, please welcome Michael 'The Machine' Scott. [Michael waves, twirls and sits down]
Pam: Don't do the twirl.
Phyllis: Lose the twirl.
Dwight: The twirl sucks.
Kevin: Michael, I hated the twirl.
Andy: [still doing the voice & spinning in his chair] Hate the twirl!
Michael: Ok. Obviously I'm not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave.
Phyllis: Yeah, good. Don't do it.
Michael: I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It's not even a twirl, it's a spin. I might do the spin.
Oscar: The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and there's no where to get it.
Michael: Ok, Oscar, I don't need the whole enchilada just the bullet points.
Oscar: Those are the bullet points.
Michael: Well, could you condense it please?
Oscar: That's as simple as I can make it.
Erin: Michael? The limo's here for you.
Michael: It's not a limo. It's a town car. Town cars are actually better, though. Better torque. Better handling.
Erin: He said limousine, so...
Kevin: [at window in conference room] Check it out, guys. There's a limo down here. [everyone heads to the conference room] Michael, look. Oh, man.
Michael: They sent a limo.
Michael: Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when they're in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.
Michael: [everyone is rushing down the stairs to see the limo] Oh, wait. Wait. Wow. Wow! Oh, no way. Look at that.
Dwight: What kind of mileage does this baby get?
Erin: It's like what high school kids take to prom on tv shows.
Oscar: This is so typical of management to spend money on this. Ugh. Bunch of boobs.
Michael: Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs.
Dwight: Calves. Calves all the way.
Andy: I'm so jealous right now.
Michael: Hey, you know who you should be jealous of? Yourself. Because you're invited and you're invited and you're invited and you and you and you and you and you and you-
Limo Driver: Car seats eight.
Michael: What?
Limo Driver: The car seats eight.
Michael: The limo seats eight. Ok. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.
Jim & Pam: No thanks.
Ryan: I'll use it when you're done.
Michael: [others start raising their hands to be picked] Mmm... whoa.
Oscar: The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, morons and idiots. Because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And, as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.
Michael: [in the limo with Dwight, Andy and Oscar] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy: Hey, guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael: Definitely.
Dwight: Smells like it.
Michael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. That's bigger than my bed.
Dwight: Word.
Andy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Michael: [the limo driver raises the divider window] Who's playing with the button?
Jim: Hey, Ryan. Could you start consolidating all our Rolodex information into Outlook?
Ryan: Uh, it doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under.
Jim: But if the company doesn't go under then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program.
Ryan: The company's probably going under, though.
Jim: Could go either way.
Ryan: Seems like it's leaning one way.
Jim: Maybe we should just wait and find out.
Ryan: Definitely.
Jim: Ok.
Ryan: So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff?
Jim: Nah. Might as well do it now.
Andy: Michael, what if somebody asks you a question at this meeting? Are you just gonna wave, or what?
Michael: I will have to answer.
Dwight: I'll ask you a question.
Andy: Make it a softball. Something he can, like, crank out of the park.
Dwight: Michael Scott you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?
Michael: No, no. That's too hard. Say your name is Zamboni and then I will say, 'Well, we're sort of on thin ice.' [they all laugh] I won't say that. I'll something like that.
Andy: This is your big day. Come on.
Michael: Oh, my god. This is it.
Laurie: Mr. Scott?
Michael: Yes.
Laurie: I'm Laurie.
Michael: Oh, hi.
Laurie: Thank you for joining us. Come with me.
Michael: Well, thank you and, and please call - continue to call me Mr. Scott.
Laurie: Ok. If you just want to follow me I'll take you up to the lounge.
Michael: Well, I guess this is as far as I can take you guys. So -
Andy: Kay.
Dwight: Good luck, Michael.
Michael: See you later.
Michael: [walking past bodyguards at the door] Officers. Thank you.
Laurie: After you, Mr. Scott.
Michael: Thank you.
David: Michael.
Michael: Hello.
David: So glad you could make it.
Michael: Thank you.
David: How was the ride?
Michael: Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime.
David: I'm glad. I want to introduce you to everyone. First we'll start with Alan Brand. Alan? CEO. Michael Scott, Branch manager, Scranton.
Alan: It's nice to meet you, Michael.
Michael: It's nice to meet you, too. It's an honor and a privilege.
David: Seated, we have the former congressman, Chris O'Keefe.
Michael: Ah. [bows] Your eminence.
Registrar: For those of you with questions, please line up behind one of the four microphones that have been placed in the aisles.
Dwight: Coming through. Che, che, che, che, che, che. [spots microphone and gets in line, sees an empty mic and attempts to get there first] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. [a line appears from nowhere] Ah. Damn it. [ heads back to the original line which is now even longer] Wha- okay [grunts]
Dwight: I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district, pick up a few crates of my shirts. I got a shirt guy.
Oscar: Can you believe this? The money they spent on this convention hall. [finding a seat] Excuse me, miss. I just want to take the stupid board of directors by their necks. This is so simple.
Andy: Yeah. Well, you should do that. Get in line.
Oscar: Oh, what a great idea and lose my job. No thank you.
Andy: Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during the - America's biggest financial crisis?
Dwight: How is he gonna have grandkids?
Michael: You guys ever protect the president?
Security: No.
Michael: What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?
Security: Not supposed to talk about it. Nelly Furtado.
Alan: Alright, guys. You ready?
Michael: Rock and roll. [they walk into convention room and are booed by everyone]
Alan: Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company. We are poised to come through this more streamlined and profitable than ever. [boos from the crowd]
Michael: [to David] This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
David: It was fun when we weren't on the brink of bankruptcy.
Michael: [accidentally into his microphone] We're going bankrupt, you think? [angry jeering from the crowd] They are really angry.
Alan: The shareholders need to empower our leadership -
Woman in line: I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save my place?
Man in line: Sure.
Dwight: No. You will not.
Woman in line: Excuse me?
Dwight: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you raised in a household with no consequences?
Woman in line: It'll just be a second.
Dwight: Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.
Alan: ... and we're confident. There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch manager.
Dwight: [loudly applauds] Yes.
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [scattered applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [applause]
Jim: Hey, Phyllis. Are you just getting back from lunch now?
Phyllis: Bob took me to Capello's. We got a little tipsy.
Jim: Ok. You shouldn't be telling me that stuff and also shouldn't be taking two hour lunches without telling me.
Phyllis: Oh, it's ok. Michael doesn't really care about these things.
Jim: I care about them and I'm just as much of a boss as Michael. [Stanley laughs] What's so funny? I'm a co-manager.
Stanley: That doesn't make you a boss.
Phyllis: It's not like you can fire people or anything.
Jim: Well - who? How did you? Who, who told you this?
Phyllis: Ryan.
Stanley: Can't say.
Phyllis: Sorry. Plastered.
Jim: Ok. Who else has heard the rumor that I am not as much in charge as Michael? [everyone raises there hands - including Pam]
Pam: Stuff gets around. I don't participate.
Jim: Who here heard it from Ryan?
Kevin: Does and email count?
Jim: Yes.
Kevin: Yeah. [everyone raises hands again]
Jim: I am just as much of a boss as Michael and I can do anything that Michael can do. Alright? Who here believes that I have as much power as Michael? [Pam, after a moment, is the only one who raises her hand]
Pam: I forgot I have to support him no matter what. Close one.
Oscar: These questions are bush league.
Andy: You should get up and say something. You've got to be true to what's in there. [points to Oscar's heart] Don't be a wuss.
Andy: I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway, got a 1220, always regretted it. I feel lachrymose .
David: [over the crowd booing] Believe me everyone is working very hard, working weekends, struggling, trying to right the ship.
Shareholder: You're a criminal.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. These are not criminals. They are nice. They invited me to come here today. They invited me to their hospitality suite where I had free food and it was delicious. Get this. Know how nice they are? The sent a stretch limo all the way to pick me up in Scranton. That's -
Female Shareholder: Limousine?
Michael: Yes.
Second Shareholder: You're all corrupt. You should be in jail. [crowd agrees]
Alan: Quiet! Quiet, please! Please, quiet! Quiet, please. We want to hear your questions.
Ryan: Do you love her or do you love the idea of her?
Creed: I don't know, man. I just don't know.
Jim: I gotta make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?
Pam: Can you actually fire people?
Jim: To be honest, I don't know, but maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.
Pam: Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.
Jim: Oh, well I yell. You've heard me yell.
Pam: Oh. Ok. I've heard you exclaim. Like the time you said, 'Hey, look. We parked over here!'.
Jim: Well, that was apple-picking day and there's no need to yell that day, you know. I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day.
Pam: Well, you'll figure it out.
Alan: Ok. We're gonna take a 15 minute break and then we're gonna answer more questions.
Third Shareholder: You haven't said anything yet and we're headed for bankruptcy. [crowd agrees]
Michael: [board of directors has started to exit] Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. We'll be back with some answers. [a few murmurs from the crowd of 'What answers?'] I - ok. I know that you're mad at me and you're mad at all them -
Fourth Shareholder: How are you gonna fix the company?
Michael: Ok. Alright. We are gonna - we're gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. We're gonna come back with a plan for you. It's a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track. [crowd starts to agree and perk up] 45 points. It's a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business. [crowd applauds] And you can take that to the bank. [applause continue] And Limo Lady, we are going completely carbon neutral. [crowd has gotten very excited and is cheering] I love you, New York! [Michael does the spin and leaves the stage - then runs back across the stage] You. You.
Jim: Hey, Ryan. How's it going?
Ryan: [playing Tetris on his computer] Here's the thing. Um, I've tried it like five different ways in my head and - Oh, got one. Um, I'm such a perfectionist...
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Ryan: That I'd kinda rather not do it all then do a crappy version.
Jim: Simple data entry, though. So there's really only one way to do it.
Ryan: Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it. Do you wanna maybe just take a whack at it?
Jim: You know what?
Ryan: What?
Jim: I think I know the problem.
Ryan: Great.
Jim: I think you seem distracted.
Ryan: Yep, that is a problem.
Jim: But, you know what? I came up with something and I think it's really gonna help.
Ryan: Well, I'm glad you're finally being proactive, Jim.
Jim: I am, too. Let me show you.
Michael: Wow. Things are really picking up.
O'Keefe: What was that about?
Michael: What?
Alan: You were supposed to wave.
Michael: I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.
David: What are we supposed to tell them now? Ok? You've dug us quite a hole.
Michael: We tell them the plan, right?
David: There is no plan.
Michael: Here's what we're gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined, we go with that. Day 45, company saved. Day 44, go. What do we got? We have 15 minutes.
O'Keefe: Excuse me?
Michael: Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out.
O'Keefe: Who the hell is this guy?
Michael: I am the guy who roused that crowd.
David: Yes.
Michael: Got them on their feet.
David: Yes.
Michael: They were so happy down there.
David: Yes.
Alan: Who cares?
Michael: Ok. Alright. Well, I know a guy. This Mexican guy. He is a math whiz. He knows economics as well as he knows bull fighting and I am going to call in a little favor.
David: No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't call anybody, Michael.
Michael: Well, I'm texting him, so.
David: Please do not text anybody, now, Michael.
Michael: It's done. [Oscar, sitting in the lobby, receives a text]
Michael: Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman, I would like you to meet Oscar. Come on in. Don't be shy. This is Oscar Martinez. Oscar, why don't you come over here. Let me present you. Step up. Step up there. Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation. Take it away. [Oscar stands there stunned]
Jim: I think this is really gonna help. If you could just hold up here one second. [addresses the whole office] Hey, guys. Quick announcement. If I could just have everyone's attention. [turns back to Ryan] I just figured you needed a place where you can concentrate and not be bothered by bothering people.
Ryan: Mmm-hmm.
Jim: Let me show you what I mean. [Jim opens the closet door to reveal a work station] Your new office. How great is that, right? For a job well done. Well, not done.
Ryan: I will, uh, I will do my work right now. I will stay late tonight.
Jim: Right.
Ryan: Uh, I'm very sorry... about everything.
Jim: [laughs] You're a good kid. You know what? It gets bigger once you're in there. Enjoy it. [shuts the door and walks to his office]
Ryan: [from behind the door] Is there internet?
Oscar: Ummm...
Michael: Tell them what you told me. This is genius.
Oscar: Ok
Michael: Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and - this is all -
Oscar: Um..
Michael: It's all good. It's all good stuff. Lay it on them.
Oscar: I feel, as does Mr. Scott, that we are in the best of hands. Capable hands.
Michael: That wasn't what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better.
Oscar: I think this has gone very well and I thank you.
Michael: O-kay. Oh... hey, hey. [follows Oscar into the hall] What are you doing?
Oscar: Michael, I didn't ask to come up here.
Michael: Wow, man. That -
Oscar: What?
Michael: That was embarrassing.
Oscar: For me.
Michael: For me, too. You embarrassed me.
Oscar: You -[Oscar walks away, Michael goes back in the room]
Michael: Well, that was a waste of a text. Let's get down to brass tacks. I think that we might be in trouble. We don't seem to have a plan so I'm thinking I go down there. Maybe rattle off a few jokes. Congressman could follow.
O'Keefe: He's our best manager? Where's the off button on this moron?
Michael: Uh, I'm not a moron. Time after time my branch leads in sales. I have personally won over 17 Dundie awards. So, I am not a moron and I am just trying to help, you know? So... you're the moron.
Michael: [zipping through the hall while texting]
Michael: Yes it is a thrill to be honored by one's company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say, 'Wow. Great job.' That is what it is all about. Not the perks. Perks? The perks. I could take or leave the perks. Limos are for people who make the company money not lose millions and have no plan. So we're leaving early. After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.
O'Keefe: He can take the bus. He's had his limo ride.
Michael: [running out of the building with Oscar, Andy, and Dwight] Oscar! Oscar! Come on! There he is! There he is! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Scranton! Scranton! Scranton! Dunder Mifflin!
Alan: The gentleman in the, uh, glasses.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Scranton branch. I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day and if this line is any indication of how this company is being run then we are in big trouble. [cheers from crowd] Thank you. Right. I know. And I just want to say that I believe that there are options out there. [crowd still applauding] A take a number option like they have in a deli. What about line varieties? Like an express line for quick comments of ten words or less. They can move much more efficiently. What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to.
Alan: Thank you. Thank you for your suggestions.
Dwight: Yeah.


Andy: You wanted to see me?
Michael: Yeah, Have a seat.
Andy: Is it serious? [Michael stares] Wow. Andy's a wittle scared.
Michael: Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.
Andy: Why would people say that?
Michael: I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard] Can you read that back to me?
Andy: Andy have a boo-boo tummy.
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Andy: Would you rather me say 'Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?'
Michael: Okay.
Andy: Crazy diarrhea happening right now?' Cause things can get real adult real fast.
Michael: You are also on record as saying 'wittle-ittle,' 'footy-wutties,' 'nummies,' 'jammies,' 'make boom-boom,' 'widiculous,' and 'wode iwand.'
Andy: Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy.
Michael: You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.
Andy: Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.
Michael: Okay, who said that?
Andy: I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic.
Michael: [Elvis voice] Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops.
Andy: [baby voice] Tank you Mr. Elwis.
Michael: [as Elvis] You're welcome, baby.
Andy: Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news.
Jim: Wait, are you the patient or the doctor?
Andy: The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.
Jim: Wow, what do you put our chances at?
Andy: 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!
Jim: Hmm, sounds risky.
Andy: Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one.
Andy: Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.
Jim: Wow, that's not such a bad idea.
Andy: Great! [sits down]
Jim: Anything else?
Andy: Nope! [stands up and leaves]
Erin: Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those.
Michael: Keep.
Erin: There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say 'Delivered.' Should I delete all of those?
Michael: I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
Erin: That's why you have a 'Sent Mail' folder.
Michael: Keep.
Erin: There's about 30 news alerts for 'Nip Slip.'
Michael: For what?
Erin: Nip slip.'
Michael: Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there...
Erin: Well...
Michael: Must be hackers.
Jim: Hey. What's up?
Michael: What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?
Jim: Did you murder someone?
Michael: Worse than that.
Erin: Oh, my God.
Michael: Lurk much? [Erin leaves] I miss Pam.
Jim: I think she's okay.
Michael: Is that what we're going for now? 'okay?' We used to go for 'pretty good.'
Jim: Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program?
Michael: Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but...
Jim: You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager.
Michael: Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.
Jim: It would look bad. Sorry.
Michael: It would look good, on my mantle.
Andy: Jim's talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea!
Dwight: Yeah! Your idea.
Dwight: My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired.
Erin: Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory?
Pam: [glances at it] Looks great.
Erin: Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.
Pam: Okay. [picks up and reads sheet] The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence?
Michael: There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.
Phyllis: What's 'Scott's Tots?'
Stanley: Has it really been ten years?
Stanley: [shows newspaper article and reads] 'Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders'
Pam: Michael, why did you promise that?
Michael: To change lives.
Pam: No Michael, why would you promise that?
Michael: Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this.
Erin: We've already rescheduled seven times.
Pam: Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done.
Michael: Well...
Pam: It's terrible.
Michael: No.
Pam: Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get.
Michael: I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.
Michael: Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?
Pam: No!
Michael: I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right.
Pam: You have to tell them.
Michael: Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... [makes yuck face at Erin]
Erin: I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it.
Pam: It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth.
Michael: Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse?
Dwight: Hey Jimmy, what's up?
Jim: Not much.
Dwight: Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.
Jim: [laughs] Thanks Dwight.
Dwight: That laugh is so infectious.
Jim: You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go.
Dwight: I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.
Jim: Let me guess, you think you should get it.
Dwight: This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.
Jim: Well, in an ideal world...
Dwight: In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
Jim: Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away 'Survival Skills' and 'Self-defense.'
Dwight: I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data.
Jim: That's okay, I'll do it.
Mikela: Mr. Scott?
Michael: Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?
Mikela: I'm good.
Michael: Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone?
Mikela: It's in the music room, Mr. Scott.
Michael: Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.
Erin: Wow!
Michael: Well, you didn't even hear it.
Mikela: Everyone's so excited that you're here today.
Michael: Oh, good.
Mikela: Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first?
Michael: Sure.
Erin: [points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room] You're famous.
Mikela: I'm sure you remember this place.
Michael: Oh, yeah.
Mikela: Do you want to go in?
Michael: No, not at all. Nope, come on.
Michael: Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just...
Mikela: We just want to say thanks.
Michael: Oh.
Students: [cheering] Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!
Teacher: Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you.
Students: [getting up and dancing] Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!
Lefevre: You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable!
Students: Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true!
Michael: Wow!
Dwight: Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in-
Kevin: Hey.
Dwight: So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.
Kevin: Jim said that?
Dwight: He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.
Kevin: Jim said that?
Dwight: You seem suprised.
Kevin: No, no, that makes total sense.
Dwight: Hey buddy, so every-
Oscar: Sure. [puts in the twenty]
Dwight: Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.
Teacher: Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much.
Lefevre: There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama.
Michael: [crying] Oh, God. Oh, God.
Jim: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is?
Andy: Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert.
Everyone: Huh? What?
Oscar: Are you kidding me?
Dwight: Oh, no!
Jim: Okay, wait, I was not... I did not-
Kevin: I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not?
Jim: Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score.
Angela: To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us.
Jim: Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize.
Angela: Yes!
Jim: Dwight?
Dwight: Yeah, you said 'In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize.' Isn't that what you said?
Jim: No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But-
Phyllis: Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money.
Teacher: Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott.
Michael: All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between 'A' gym and 'B' gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go?
Teacher: Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period
Michael: Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?
Zion: I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother.
Michael: Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry.
Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Mikela: You lied to us.
Michael: I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.
Lefevre: You owe this to us!
Michael: Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. [students perk up] Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you.
Students: [yelling]
Michael: Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium.
Jim: Look, there was a big mistake obviously, so I will fix it. Okay? This was your idea anyway.
Andy: Correction. It was my idea.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: My idea!
Creed: Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant.
Pam: Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
Phyllis: That's fair.
Dwight: Excellent idea, Pam.
Pam: Thank you.
Andy: That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert.
Phyllis: How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
Dwight: There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Pam: No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy: Oh, really? From what, two to four?
Pam: Yup.
Jim: Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay?
Deliveryman: Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert.
Jim: Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake.
Kevin: Look who it is! [shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim]
Angela: It could only be you!' Way to go.
Dwight: He knew all along!
Kelly: I'm going to have some cake.
Stephanie: David Wallace's office.
Dwight: [imitating Kevin] This is Kevin Malone, is David there?
Stephanie: No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message?
Dwight: Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam.
Dwight: [imitating Stanley] This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.
Dwight: [imitating Toby] It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.
Lefevre: Hey, Mr. Scott.
Michael: Erin, can you give us a second?
Lefevre: That was messed up what you did.
Michael: Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.
Lefevre: Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that?
Michael: What can I do?
Lefevre: You can pay for my college.
Michael: I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?
Lefevre: They're expensive.
Michael: Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?
Lefevre: It's about $1,000.
Michael: Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year.
Lefevre: No, $1,000 each year.
Michael: For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around.
Lefevre: Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa.
Michael: That's a lot of zeroes.
Jim: This is Jim.
David Wallace: Jim, what the hell is happening there?
Jim: Hey, uh David.
David: Yes.
Jim: So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it.
David: Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife?
Jim: No.
David: Am I missing something?
Jim: I really don't know how it happened, David.
Dwight: I know how it happened.
David: Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion.
Jim: All right, it will not happen again. I promise.
David: Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you.
Dwight: No!
David: It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right?
Dwight: What?
Jim: Yeah. Thank you.
Dwight: No.
David: Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend?
Dwight: What?
Jim: Yes.
David: Okay.
Dwight: Oh, you're kidding me!
Jim: See you.
Dwight: Damn it!
Erin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do-
Michael: Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.
Erin: No.
Michael: Yes.
Erin: No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy.
Michael: You're what, like, 12?
Erin: The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think.
Michael: I think you're doing a great job.
Erin: Really?
Michael: What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business?
Erin: I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant.
Michael: Really?
Erin: Yes, but I'm terrible at math so...
Michael: You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.
Erin: Seriously?
Michael: Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too.
Michael and Erin: Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true.
Jim: See you tomorrow, Dwight.
Dwight: Apparently.
Ryan: How's it going? Good day?
Dwight: Not now, Temp.
Ryan: Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan.
Dwight: What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... [Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan]
Ryan: I found a copy of it in the copier tray.
Dwight: So what do you want?
Ryan: I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.