Michael: And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? [everyone groans] Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination.
Jim: There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.
Pam: I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it!
Michael: We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? [screen saver box hits the wall]
Andy: Dah! Come on!
Michael: Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland.
Oscar: It's never gonna happen.
Kevin: Dude, you gotta believe.
Michael: Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle?
Jim: [to Pam] Wait for it.
Michael: Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a 'Where's Waldo.' [screensaver box hits the corner of the screen]
Everyone: Oh! Yes!
Michael: [everyone gets up and leaves the conference room] Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead.
Kevin: That was so awesome.
Michael: That was awesome. Thank you.
Michael: Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?
Meredith: Hey... there he is.
Jim: Hey Meredith, how you feelin'?
Meredith: I never thanked you for coming to the hospital.
Jim: Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so...
Meredith: Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut.
Jim: Haha...
Meredith: Anyway, I have this Sharpie...
Jim: Uh-huh.
Meredith: And I was wondering if you could sign my cast?
Jim: MmmHmm...
Meredith: [lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis] Can you write where I can read it?
Jim: Oh yeah.
Meredith: [whispers] I'll read this when I get home.
Jim: Alright...
Pam: Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone.
Michael: Oh, does he?
Pam: He does.
Michael: Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you.
Jim: Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?
Michael: And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.
Michael: Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen...
Michael: The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight.
Dwight: That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website.
Jim: Actually it sounds like you are.
Dwight: Really? 'Cause Ryan says so?
Kelly: If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael: No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley: Yes, please let us know.
Dwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela: Waste of time.
Michael: What's that, pipsqueak?
Angela: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
Dwight: You believe a computer can beat me?
Angela: I don't care, but yes.
Dwight: Well I will prove you wrong.
Angela: I don't care, and you won't.
Dwight: We'll see.
Angela: I won't be watching, and I won't.
Pam: Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness.
Phyllis: Stanley, you're dancing!
Stanley: No I'm not.
Ryan: Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest.
Voice of Thomas Dean: I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall.
Ryan: Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun.
Andy: And this is where I will record your sales.
Dwight: Hmm. Very nice. Very nice.
Andy: And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done.
Jim: Or zipadeedoodaah.
Andy: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
Dwight: Just ignore him.
Andy: Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go.
Jim: I was... mocking.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy: Yes like a chime or a bell...
Jim: Or a gong.
Dwight: Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.
Andy: Yes!
Kevin: Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party?
Angela: Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you?
Phyllis: Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. [whispering] So we're gonna try out some new things today.
Phyllis: So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch?
Angela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis: I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful.
Angela: It is awful. You've made this day awful!
Kevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Angela: Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party?
Michael: Ohh, lunch party.
Angela: It's supposed to say launch!
Michael: Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.
Angela: I care!
Angela: Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead.
Andy: Twenty seconds to go time.
Dwight: Got it. Carb up.
Jim: Really? Power gel?
Dwight: Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner.
sAndy: Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go!
Dwight: Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute.
Jim: What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?
Dwight: Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices.
Jim: What?
Pam: He's going through a break-up.
Jim: Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person.
Andy: [blowing air horn] Yeah!
Dwight: Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines.
Pam: What kind of prank are you thinking?
Dwight: What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold.
DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Who am I?
DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] You tell me.
Jim: [dictating to Pam] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] How do I know this isn't Jim?
DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] What is a Jim?
Dwight: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
Michael: Okay.
Pam: Yes it's too tight.
Kelly: Waaay too tight.
Michael: Really?
Oscar: This is why I'm here?
Kelly: Why is it so tight?
Michael: It's the European cut.
Angela: Is just looks bad.
Michael: Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging?
Tech Guy: Setting up the web-cam for the party.
Michael: Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?
Kelly: Depends... how much have you eaten already today?
Michael: I had um, one of those danishes.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
Kelly: You had carbs? That's awful.
Pam: Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan.
Michael: Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun.
Jan: [on phone] My friends? Michael, I was terminated.
Michael: Just...
Jan: Is it really that important to you?
Michael: Yeah.
Jan: Alright.
Michael: Thank you.
Jan: Go by yourself.
Michael: Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser.
Jan: Well...
Michael: Do I have your permission to invite Carol?
Jan: What? No Michael!
Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.
Dwight: Ohhhhhh!
Andy: Website check please.
Meredith: Three hundred and five.
Andy: Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely.
Meredith: Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty.
Andy: You my friend are in a very close second.
Meredith: Four-oh-two.
Andy: Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady?
Meredith: What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve.
Michael: So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins.
Jim: Sure we'll go.
Michael: Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good.
Jim: Oh I'm sorry. What?
Pam: One of the tickets is for him.
Michael: Just let me know who the winner is.
Pam and Jim: Not it.
Jim: Nope.
Pam: I won.
Jim: Definitely not. If anything it was a tie.
Pam: Tie goes to the girlfriend.
Dwight: No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. [hangs up phone]
Jim: How's it going?
Dwight: Fine. Good.
Jim: Yeah?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jim: You look a little worried.
Dwight: I do not look worried.
DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] You do look worried.
DwightKSchrute: [on monitor] Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read...
Pam: Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one.
Jim: Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper.
Angela: I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless.
Phyllis: I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone.
Angela: Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now?
Phyllis: Yes.
Angela: Goodie.
Jim: Hey man.
Darryl: What's up man?
Jim: What's going on?
Darryl: Make a delivery.
Jim: Oh yeah?
Darryl: Kelly ordered this online.
Dwight: What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts.
Kelly: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin.'
Dwight: Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl: Who knows?
Dwight: Return it! Return it now!
Darryl: Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man.
Dwight: Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.
Darryl: Who's it?
Darryl: Here you go.
Kelly: Thanks.
Darryl: So you still missing Ryan?
Kelly: Not so much anymore.
Darryl: Mmmmm.
Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
Dwight: Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good.
Michael: Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun.
Jim: I'm driving?
Michael: Yes. Thank you.
Jim: Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam.
Michael: Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. [kissing noise, kissing noise] I love ya Pam... okay. [singing] I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?
Angela: Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks.
Michael: If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow.
Dwight: Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm.
DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples.
Dwight: I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that?
Dwight: Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter?
Andy: No ! [blows air horn and dances]
Dwight: Huh?!
Angela: Stop it! Gimme that! Give it!
Dwight: Did you see the board?
Angela: There's still an hour.
Michael: You ever read this? [holds up Green Eggs and Ham]
Jim: Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it.
Michael: Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured...
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Same sort of stuff in here.
Jim: It's not. It's different. But it's a good book.
Michael: Mmwa. Mmwa.
Jim: What was that?
Michael: Leaving Pennsylvania.
Jim: Oh. Two kisses.
Michael: One for me one for Jan.
Jim: Gotcha.
Michael: You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday?
Jim: That would be fun.
Michael: Wanna come over Friday?
Jim: Uhhh. Can't.
Michael: After work you guys...
Jim: Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right?
Michael: Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So...
Jim: Mmmkay...
Michael: What are you doing?
Jim: Uh, that is an invitation to an online party.
Michael: No.
Jim: Yep.
Michael: No, I'm sure that's not. Na...
Jim: Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Yep.
Michael: Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan.
Michael: You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go.
Michael: Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?
Jim: Oh actually I withdrew from consideration.
Michael: Yeah. I withdrew too.
Andy: Four! Three! Two! One!
Dwight: Yes!
Andy: Woo!
Dwight: Woo!
Andy: After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams.
Dwight: Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again.
Andy: Fifty-two reams!
Dwight: No no no the first part.
Andy: Dwight has defeated the computer.
Dwight: Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you.
Angela: I didn't ask you to do it for me.
Dwight: You didn't have to.
Angela: How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?
Angela: Hello, Pam.
Pam: Hello.
Angela: Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.
Pam: Um... uh... I'll get back to you.
Angela: Let me know.
DunMiff/sys: [on monitor] You beat me. You are the superior being.
Michael: Alright who wants to party?
Oscar: Why aren't you in New York?
Michael: Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out.
Stanley: You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early.
Michael: I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.
Angela: Thank you.
Michael: Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight?
Andy: He beat the computer.
Michael: Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good.
Michael: This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.
Michael: How we doing on time?
Angela: The party starts in an hour.
Michael: Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen.
Angela: Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting?
Michael: Mmmhmm.
Angela: Something made of ice?
Michael: Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel.
Angela: Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak?
Michael: I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important...
Angela: Chocolates? Someone famous?
Michael: Yes
Angela: Cool music.
Michael: Uh...
Angela: Confetti.
Michael: I want it...
Angela: Go-Go dancers?
Michael: I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, 'Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?'
Angela: I can't do this.
Michael: Yes you can.
Angela: I can't do it.
Michael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this?
Angels: Okay. Okay.
Michael: No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza!
Andy: What do you think of Angela?
Dwight: I think she's efficient.
Andy: No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N.
Dwight: I hadn't noticed.
Andy: You hadn't noticed she's a woman?
Dwight: [impatient sigh]
Andy: I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
Dwight: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
Andy: Isn't that part of the fun?
Dwight: No. I think you should date Kelly.
Andy: She works here too, how is that any different?
Dwight: Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.
Andy: [raised eyebrows] Okay.
Michael: Good news.
Stanley: We get to go home?
Michael: Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
All: [murmurs of approval]
Kevin: Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?
Michael: Same thing.
Kevin: No, no.
All: [disagreeing with Michael]
Michael: You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.
Kevin: Oscar, talk to him.
Oscar: Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?
Michael: Pizza by Alfredo.
All: [shouts of disapproval]
Michael: Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
All: Medium amount of good pizza.
Michael: [sighs, walks back into office]
Kevin: Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.
Phyllis: You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this.
Angela: It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do.
Phyllis: [Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face]
Angela: Ow!
Phyllis: That seemed to shut her up.
Andy: Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. [Camera pans to Kevin giving an 'are you kidding me?' look]
Andy: Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box.
Andy: Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying?
Angela: What?
Andy: Hello.
Angela: I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again.
Andy: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.
Michael: Yup.
Pam: The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here.
Michael: You don't have to say it like that.
Pam: I said it normal.
Michael: Hey
Pizza guy: Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.
Michael: Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty.
Pizza guy: The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas.
Michael: Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas.
Pizza guy: I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy.
Michael: You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?
Oscar: It's not pizza.
Michael: Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon.
Pizza guy: [shrugs]
Michael: [sarcastic shrugging of shoulders] What do you mean hmm-um?
Pizza guy: Not my problem.
Michael: It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story.
Pizza guy: Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip.
Michael: I'm not giving that to you.
Pizza guy: Well then you're not getting you're pizzas.
Michael: No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out.
Pizza guy: What?
Michael: You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room.
Pizza guy: I'm not going in there.
Michael: Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you.
Pizza guy: This is stupid.
Michael: No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here.
Stanley: You find anything?
Kevin: We think it's a straight forward kidnapping.
Oscar: Stanley, could you look up 'accomplices'?
Stanley: Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar: Because we're looking up jail time.
Stanley: Fine.
Dwight: I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp.
Pizza guy: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.
Michael: You ready to give me my discount now?
Pizza guy: No.
Michael: Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
Pizza guy: What kind of business is this?
Dwight: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
Michael: Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man.
Pizza guy: You better think about what you're doing.
Michael: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay?
Pizza guy: Sales?
Michael: Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales.
Pizza guy: You're such a loser.
Dwight: What did you just call him?
Pizza guy: A loser.
Dwight: What did you say?
Pizza guy: A loser.
Michael: Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse.
Dwight: I can make him talk, Michael.
All: Michael, Michael
Michael: Stop talking all at once!
Jim: You need to let him go.
Michael: Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
Jim: Yes.
Michael: You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
Jim: Yes, but not by kidnapping.
Michael: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
Jim: As a hostage.
Michael: I think you're over-thinking it.
Jim: I think you're under-thinking it.
Michael: Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our...
Jim: Ransom.
Michael: Trouble. Okay, alright.
Jim: What did he say?
Michael: He said no.
Jim: So, we should let him go.
Michael: No, no.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: Listen up kid. [pops balloon with his hands] I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.
Angela: I have to hang these.
Pizza guy: Why are you looking at her like that?
Dwight: Hey!
Kevin: What's going on?
Jim: Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands.
Michael: Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin?
Kevin: We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.
Angela: I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour.
Meredith: I think it looks good.
Angela: That's why you're not in charge Meredith.
Andy: Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice.
Angela: How did you, um, where did you...
Dwight: It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor.
Angela: Will you help me put it over there?
Andy: Yes I will.
Angela: Okay.
Andy: Excuse me.
Andy: I stole it!
Oscar: Thank God.
Pam: Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself.
Michael: I'll just wave and introduce myself.
Jim: Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof?
Pam: I'm all over it.
Jim: Okay.
Jim: What have we got here?
Kevin: Good pizza.
Jim: Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors?
Kevin: Different stuff.
Jim: Which one's this? Perfect.
Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam: Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight.
Jim: And that's when I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam: Yep.
Jim: Wow, can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.
Manager: Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start.
Ryan: And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
Michael: Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that [bleep]hole.
Ryan: Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear.
Pizza guy: If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor.
Angela: Ow! What are you doing?
Andy: You said your upper back itched.
Angela: I didn't ask you to scratch it.
Andy: Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you.
Angela: I'm not dating you.
Andy: So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested.
Dwight: [smiles]
Andy: But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down.
Dwight: [kicks open bathroom door] If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!
Michael: Hey, have you seen Jim?
Kevin: I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out.
Dwight: Ahh-chaa!
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Dwight: I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him.
Pizza guy: I can hear you, man.
Dwight: Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat!
Michael: Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid.
Dwight: You had to, what other choice did you have?
Michael: I could have paid for the pizza.
Dwight: Well, yeah.
Michael: Oh my God, oh my God.
Michael: This is Michael.
Ryan: Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out.
Michael: You're breaking up. I can't hear you.
Ryan: Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... [Michael hangs up on Ryan]
Michael: [to Dwight] Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent.
Dwight: What will you do?
Michael: I will open the door.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands.
Dwight: So, I'm paying full price?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more.
Michael: See ya, drive safely.
Michael: [pizza guy flips him off] Okay.
Dwight: Now what?
Michael: Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens.
Dwight: Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas.
Michael: Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time.
Jim: A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge.
Pam: Ah-ha.
Andy: [answers two ringing phones] Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on.
Andy: [Andy plus two voices on the phone singing] If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me.
Voice #1 on phone: Hey how'd it go?
Voice #2 on phone: Yeah, what'd she say?
Andy: I don't know yet, I have to call you back.
Voice #1 on phone: You have to give us something...
Andy: I'll call you back.
Angela: I have to go clean up after the party.
Michael: What a horrible day.
Dwight: Blah.
Michael: Bluh.
Dwight: Uhh.
Michael: Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what?
Dwight: What?
Michael: I'm going to get it.
Dwight: Coopers has calamari.
Michael: Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi.
Dwight: Tokyo?
Michael: New York. Wanna go?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Alright, you drive.
Dwight: Okay.
Dwight: Nice.
Michael: Here we go.
Dwight: Woo-hoo.
Michael: Mmm.
Dwight: Yum.
Bartender: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave.
Michael: Hey, you know what? [Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi] Come on, come on, let's go.
Man: Hey, you're the Scranton guy.
Michael: Guilty.
Man: I liked your statement tonight.
Michael: Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer.
Man: Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.
Michael: Yeah.
Man: See you later.
Dwight: Later on.
Michael: [mocking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face.
Dwight: And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper.
Michael: I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot.
Dwight: I started a fire with my cheese pita.
Michael: I made it with my cheese pita.
Dwight: I date Indian girls.
Michael: I started a fire, I started a fire.
Dwight: Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss.
Michael: And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody...
Dwight: I don't get that, I don't understand that.
Michael: Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh.
Michael: Wanna head back?
Dwight: Yeah, let's go.
Ryan: [steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks]
Dwight: [Dwight come into office unshaven] What?
Jim: Well it's just that you had no hair on Friday.
Dwight: It's called being a man. You should try it sometime.
Jim: How long have you been a man?
Dwight: I was born a man, Halpert.
Jim: That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom.
Dwight: I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain.
Andy: [to Dwight] What do you think of Angela? There's just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame.
Andy: No. I will not be playing it 'cool' [makes air quotes] with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen, I was waitlisted at my number one school. Even though I was a legacy, and I had like a thousand extra-curriculars, mostly drama, madrigals, barbershop club, I was waitlisted. Did I wait, on that list? No, I did not. I busted into the admissions office and I [singing] sang them all the reasons they should admit me to the school [end singing]. And guess what? I. Got. In. And here's the kicker. That school? Cornell.
Michael: What's wrong with me?
Pam: Excuse me?
Michael: I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods] Don't avoid this. I know you're dying to say it, so just say it.
Pam: Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence.
Michael: What, no. No. Okay, bags. I have bags under my eyes, Pam. I didn't see it at home, I didn't see it in the bathroom, I didn't see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light...
Pam: [interrupting] The city mirrors, or the...?
Michael: The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles? The big round things.
Pam: The ones for drivers to check their blind spots?
Michael: Yes. I have bags under my eyes, and I can't go to New York like this! What do I do? What do I do?
Pam: Put cold tea bags on your eyes.
Michael: Really?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: That's it?
Pam: Mmhmm.
Michael: All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewart's receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin' it. Nn... no.
Michael: [tea bags on eyes] Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do?
Kevin: I'm a little mad, that I don't get to go to the party in New York. But that's mostly just because we get reimbursed for gas mileage.
Oscar: I was going to be in New York tonight, to go to the Met, but I had to cancel. Because Angela's party is mandatory.
Creed: I go to New York all the time, to visit my buddy Frank. He's a mole person.
Meredith: Angela, what kind of music?
Angela: Uh... something cool that Ryan doesn't know about yet.
Meredith: How am I supposed to know what that is?
Angela: I don't know, but standing here's not going to give you the answer. Go.
Angela: Tonight my party will be broadcast out to five other states. Which means, it will be compared to Denise Stimm's party in Buffalo. Any idiot can defrost a microwavable hors d'oeuvres platter. And Denise proves that with every party she throws. Oh, and Denise? Stop telling people your hair's naturally curly. We all know you get perms.
Kevin: Kidnapping is the asportation of a person against the person's will, so Michael asported him. [giggles] Have you ever been aspor...
Oscar: Don't.
Dwight: Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? [pizza guy stares] Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before.
Pizza guy: I'm not scared of you.
Kevin: In every good hostage movie, during the part where it gets really tense, and you don't know whether the bad guys are going to let the hostages go free, the cops order pizza.
Toby: The lady cop acted like she'd never pulled someone over for driving too slow. And I tried to get out of it with the famous Toby Flenderson 10,000 watt smile. [smiles] It didn't work.
Toby: Damn it.
Kelly: Is that traffic school?
Toby: Yeah.
Kelly: Because we're not supposed to be doing personal stuff at work.
Toby: Yeah.
Kelly: Because yesterday when I was taking an online quiz about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame, you said that was inappropriate.
Toby: I remember.
Kelly: Just reiterating what you said to me.
Toby: Thanks Kelly.
Oscar: You know the octagon sign means stop.
Toby: Colorblind.
Oscar: An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes, can't you?
Toby: It's out of context. It's not the same as driving.


Michael: Coat! [throws coat at Pam]
Pam: Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.
Michael: Steak! Where's my steeaaak?
Pam: He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.
Michael: Get me Armani.
Pam: A suit?
Michael: On the phone.
Pam: Like the main company number? Because I'm gonna have to call information.
Michael: Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are. [breaks into laughter]
Michael: I owe you an apology.
Pam: You finished the movie.
Michael: Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.
Pam: No. Go ahead.
Michael: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle.
Pam: Mo Chuisle. He's watching Million Dollar Baby... He's gonna try to kill me.
Micahel: So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes.
Jan: You do.
Michael: I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine.
Jan: Well, they both go with the carpet I've ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too.
Michael: We already have a sofa. So why do-
Jan: A futon's not a sofa.
Michael: It... folds up. You've only seen it flat.
Jan: I know what a futon is, Michael.
Michael: I- Ok. How much is this going to cost?
Jan: It costs what it costs.
Michae: No- don't... that doesn't even mean anything.
Jan: We have gone through this.
Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.
Michael: It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs- [phone rings]
Pam: [on the phone] Michael, it's Ryan for you.
Jan: Conniving little runt. Put him through.
Michael: Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man!
Ryan: [on the phone] I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint.
Michael: Yes, and thank you for sending that to me.
Ryan: I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint.
Michael: Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up.
Ryan: Hold on, I'll get them on the phone.
Michael: [looking at nothing] Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it.
Jim: [talking on phone] Sure, I can hold.
Dwight: [picks up phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. [opens book, then picks up phone] Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein!
Jim: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: None of your business, Jim.
Jim: Do you run the bed and breakfest?
Dwight: It is not a B and B.
Dwight: Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest.
Jim: Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight: I'm not telling you anything. [lookings into the camera] Permits are pending. [phone rings] Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
Pam: Hello, I'm looking for a room.
Dwight: Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones.
Pam: It says here you cater to the eldery.
Dwight: Where did you read that?
Pam: Trip Advsior.
Dwight: Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.
Dwight: How many in your party?
Pam: Two?
Dwight: We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration?
Jan: So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Michael: Oh! Um, actually, I need the car.
Jan: Why? Improv? Why don't you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car?
Michael: Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her.
Dwight: One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask.
Angela: What about my cherub figurine?
Dwight: You took that with you.
Angela: No I left it on my night table- your night table, by the lamp.
Dwight: You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there.
Angela: Fine.
Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.
Kevin: The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you?
Michael: You can not, I have a thing tonight.
Kevin: Dammit.
Jim: Uh, Michael.
Michael: What?
Jim: That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.
Michael: Oh no, I have a thing tonight.
Jim: Darn it!
Pam: Shoot!
Michael: How about this weekend?
Jim: No, can't.
Pam: We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you.
Michael: Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right.
Jim: Where are you going out tonight?
Michael: You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.
Jim: I wouldn't understand or a secret?
Pam: You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret.
Michael: I'm sorry Mr. O'Brian, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won't be that fast, but it will-[notices camera]- it will be that easy.
Jim: I can't believe this place is real. I mean, I've heard about his beet farm for years, but wow.
Pam: The Beets Motel.
Jim: The Beets Motel? That is, wow.
Pam: Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon!
Jim: How are you doing this?
Pam: I don't know! [Mose starts running by the left side of the car]
Pam: Oh my gosh.
Michael: I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing.
Nick: What's going on here?
Michael: Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call.
Nick: We're a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision-
Michael: No, they're with me, so... this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars!
Dwight: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam: What are the themes?
Dwight: American, Irrigation, and Night-Time.
Pam: Irrigation.
Jim: Nice.
Dwight: I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions?
Jim: Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story.
Dwight: No.
Jim: Not even Harry Potter?
Dwight: No. Jim, come on.
Mose: But you promised.
Dwight: Mose, bags! Now!
Dwight: Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty.
Nick: Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes.
Michael: These meetings are useless.
Nick: I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it?
Michael: Very inspirational. [laughter]
Nick: We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Ok.
Co-Worker 1: Or a woman.
Michael: Or a trained seal. [laughter]
Nick: You could make jokes when you've made a sale there rookie, ok? [laughter ends]
Jim: Hmmm, I'd say 1 in 6.
Pam: What?
Jim: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were in being murdered here tonight.
Jim: You know, I've just realized, this is Pam's and my first night away together. I use to play it over my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a uh, nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner. Wine... uh but, wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And uh, I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just... less.
Dwight: Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow!
Michael: Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?
Stanely: [on the phone] Yes, who is this?
Michael: I'm just calling because you responded positively to the-
Stanely: Michael?
Michael: ...Stanley?
Stanley: Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael: [Spanish accent] Senor, are you happy with your-
Stanley: Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael: [speaking with a different voice] Have you- Have you considered satellite television?
Stanley: Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? [Michael hands up]
Stanley: [on the phone] When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.
Michael: Well your son sounds like he's really motivated. I think it's crazy the coach won't play him frankly.
Nick: [hangs up phone] My office.
Michael: You bet.
Nick: Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don't know why we have to keep on having this conversation.
Michael: Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes-
Nick: A few more minutes is a waste of our time.
Michael: It is not a waste of our time.
Nick: This is a trading game.
Micael: No.
Nick: You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That's how Vikram does it.
Michael: Vikram doesn't have my people skills.
Nick: Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night.
Michael: Well, I hope this conversation has helped.
Dwight: [reading to Jim, Pam, and Mose] And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. 'Harry?' It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing.
Michael: What did you get tonight?
Vikram: Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice.
Michael: Oh, that looks good.
Vikram: Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again?
Michael: I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
Vikram: Enjoy.
Michael: Thank you.
Vikram: I was a surgeon back home.
Michael: Really?
Vikram: Oh yeah.
Michael: Wonder what I would've been back home?
Vikram: Well this is your home.
Michael: I know, but it's competitive here. What's a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something.
Vikram: Uhh, no.
Michael: I would've been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy.
Jim: [Jim and Pam hear noise] Wait, you're going up there?
Pam: Yeah. Coward.
Pam: [Pam sees Mose in an outhouse] Oh my God. What century is this?
Michael: You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator.
Co-Worker 2: Dude, you should review movies. [other co-workers agree]
Michael: I actually wrote a movie.
Co-Worker 3: Really?
Michael: I'm writing one, yeah.
Co-Worker 3: What's it about?
Michael: Um, sort of a spy, thriller...
Nick: What's so captivating? [everyone stops talking, go back to work] I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that's how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking.
Pam: [Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying] Ugh, your turn.
Dwight: [Jim knocks on Dwight's door, crying stops] Come in. Did you have another nightmare?
Jim: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.
Jim: Does Mose have nightmares?
Jim: Oh yes. Ever since the storm.
Dwight: Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Dwight: Great.
Jim: Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here.
Dwight: Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Jim: Good night, Dwight. [Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying]
Co-Worker 2: Yeah, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come?
Co-Worker 3: We'd love for you to come, Michael.
Michael: Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning.
Co-Worker 2: All right, next time dude.
Michael: Okay, see you guys. [Sees Jan] Hey, how you doin'?
Jan: You drive, I had too much wine.
Michael: Okay. How's yoga?
Jan: I didn't go.
Michael: Wh-Why not?
Jan: I just didn't!
Michael: Okay.
Jan: How was improv?
Michael: Good night Vikram.
Vikram: Good night.
Michael: Hey, congrats on the bonus.
Vikram: Thank you Michael.
Michael: I'm gonna have it one of these nights.
Vikram: Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.
Michael: Good night.
Vikram: Good night.
Pam: Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight, how are you?
Dwight: Pam.
Jim: You okay?
Dwight: I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. [Ryan walks in]
Ryan: Hey guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doin'?
Ryan: Okay, Michael, why dont you start us off?
Michael: Um... that wasn't much of an introduction.
Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott.
Michael: Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we're gonna be talking... about...PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint!
Michael: Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery.
Michael: And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes.
Ryan: Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint?
Michael: Why?
Ryan: You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?
Michael: No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that.
Ryan: I'm your boss.
Michael: My other boss, Mr. Figaro.
Ryan: You have another job?
Michael: What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'.
Jim: Are you a cocktail waitress?
Ryan: You can not have another job if it affects your work here.
Michael: It won't.
Ryan: It did, all ready.
Michael: Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. [Kelly laughs]
Kelly: You're so funny.
Ryan: Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse.
Kelly: I invited him.
Ryan: It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn't information you need.
Darryl: There's information here? Yeah, you're right, I don't need this.
Kelly: Okay. [makes out with Darryl]
Darryl: Hey, get off.
Kelly: Umm, see you later tonight.
Darryl: I have plans later.
Kelly: Okay, bye honey.
Ryan: How long until you actually get this presentation ready?
Michael: Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it?
Ryan: You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael: Huh, okay.
Ryan: What?
Michael: It's whoever, not whomever.
Ryan: No, it's whomever.
Michael: No, whomever is never actually right.
Jim: No, sometimes its right.
Creed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael: Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say, because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin: I don't know.
Pam: It's 'whom' when it's the object of a sentence, and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis: Yeah, that sounds right.
Michael: Well it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it? As an object?
Ryan: As an object.
Kelly: Ryan used me an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that?
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object.
Michael: Thank you.
Toby: To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael: No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.
Ryan: Wait! This doesn't matter. And I don't even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you're fired here.
Michael: I've never done this before. I've never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history.
Michael: Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company-
Mr. Figaro: Lipophedrine
Michael: And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
Mr. Figaro: Never heard of it.
Michael: In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can't do this.
Mr. Figaro: Are you quitting?
Michael: I am.
Mr. Figaro: Come back anytime, don't forget to disinfect your headset.
Michael: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.
Andy: So.
Pam: What's up?
Andy: Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body.
Pam: You're being gross.
Andy: Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.
Pam: What moves?
Andy: I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times.
Pam: I can't believe that's not working.
Andy: Yeah.
Pam: Um, I don't know if I really see you two together.
Andy: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.
Pam: She's very religious.
Andy: Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses.
Pam: Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe.
Andy: Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.
Pam: That's right, you did.
Andy: Yeah.
Pam: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight... or Angela... or Andy.
Michael: Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses.
Kevin: I do gamble Michael.
Michael: Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don't know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that?
Kevin: The mob.
Michael: Do you know anybody in the mob?
Kevin: [shakes head no]
Michael: Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary.
Kelly: What do you mean you have plans tonight?
Darryl: I have my daughter tonight; we're renting Charlotte's Web.
Kelly: Well, you have to make a choice, it's either your daughter, or me.
Darryl: My daughter.
Kelly: Okay, I see how it is. [pushes a stack of files onto the floor] Oops.
Darryl: That was cold.
Kelly: [makes a W then an L with her fingers, and then runs a finger across her throat]
Phyllis: He's always been terrible with money.
Stanley: I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor house.
Kevin: Yeah, women be shoppin'.
Meredith: I can't believe he has a second job.
Oscar: He's not even good at his first one.
Michael: Hey guys.
Kevin: Shh.
Michael: What'cha talking about? [camera pans to each face in the break room] Okay, I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think-
Pam: Michael.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey.
Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael: Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?
Oscar: You heard me correctly.
Michael: Oh, I hate monkeys.
Pam: What's going on, why do you have a second job?
Michael: I don't have a second job. Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers.
Pam: Doesn't Jan have money?
Michael: I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual.
Kevin: True, it's best to hide our money problems from women.
Michael: I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems, I don't. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? [Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket]
Oscar and Stanley: You just put it back in your pocket.
Michael: Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore.
Darryl: Hey, let's call this what it is.
Darryl: It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.
Kelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl: Hey, I like you. Oh yeah, what's not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing's run its course.
Kelly: Don't you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben, you are the most selfish person I've ever met in my entire-
Darryl: Slow down, think it over.
Kelly: Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?
Creed: Hey cuz, heard you're having money problems.
Michael: No you didn't.
Creed: Listen, I've got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.
Michael: How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed: You don't go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up 'get out of jail free' cards, those things cost thousands.
Michael: That is a good point.
Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate.
Michael: Like the witness protection program.
Creed: Exactly.
Oscar: Not at all.
Michael: I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life.
Michael: I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY!
Oscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael: I didn't say it, I declared it.
Oscar: Still, that's not anything.
Oscar: This is a lot of credit card debt.
Michael: Yeah, tell me about it.
Oscar: Mmm.
Michael: You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oscar: Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon.
Michael: Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic.
Oscar: Twelve hundred dollars. What's a Core Blaster Extreme?
Michael: That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got a core.
Andy: I left a little present for Angela. I think she's going to like it, because I found it outside of Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together. I got game.
Oscar: Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house.
Michael: Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top.
Oscar: The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that.
Michael: Right.
Oscar: This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.
Michael: How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point?
Pam: Man, Angela really had a hold on him. [Dwight playing the recorder in the background] Angela.
Oscar: Michael, I'm going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy.
Michael: No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this.
Oscar: She has to know.
Michael: We will find another way, we'll ask power-point.
Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael: You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.
Oscar: I'm done!
Michael: No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half.
Oscar: Jan is smart.
Michael: She poses.
Jim: Dwight, how's the hotel business?
Dwight: Stupid.
Jim: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Maybe you should.
Dwight: Maybe you should. Whatever.
Pam: We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote, the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedroom and makes you dream of simpler times.
Jim: The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings.
Pam: Table making never seemed so possible.
Jim: You will never want to leave your room.
Pam: The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm.
Dwight: I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.
Pam: We really did. It was fun.
Oscar: So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt.
Jan: [on phone] You're broke?
Michael: Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying?
Jan: [on phone] Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don't, I don't get this. I really don't. I don't know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don't know what more to say.
Oscar: Jan.
Jan: [on phone] Yeah, what?
Oscar: Michael left.
Jan: [on phone] Okay, where did he go?
Oscar: I don't know.
Jan: [on phone] Well, is he coming right back?
Oscar: I don't think so.
Jan: [on phone] I'll be right there.
Michael: What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
Angela: [to Andy] You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood.
Pam: Dwight.
Dwight: Uhh-mmm [moaning]
Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Dwight: [incoherent mumbling] No you didn't.
Jim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.
Dwight: Mmm-uh-mm [incoherent mumbling]
Jim: Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you.
Dwight: [sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away]
Pam: Hey, I was thinking about dinner- [Jim grabs her face and kisses her]
Jim: Ah, dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.
Jim: Yep, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I'm in love with Italian food.
Oscar: Jan, he went running that way.
Jan: Alright. [throws her keys at Oscar]
Michael: [singing] Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I'm never coming back.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Hey Jan.
Jan: What's going on?
Michael: Not much, what's up with you?
Jan: Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going?
Michael: I'm out of answers Jan.
Jan: What does that mean?
Michael: I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you.
Jan: Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won't solve anything. You know that.
Michael: I don't know that.
Jan: Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically.
Michael: I'll stay off the grid.
Jan: Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It's not that bad.
Michael: Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up.
Jan: Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.
Michael: That's really nice of you to say.
Jan: Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I'm going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where's this train taking us?
Michael: I think the engineer left.
Dwight: [takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jim's, knocking Jim's files on the floor] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now.
Michael: Don't sell your implants please.
Jan: I'm keeping them. I know you like them. They're kind of uncomfortable though.
Michael: That's nice though.
Jan: It's kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now.
Michael: It looks cute though.
Michael: I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time. They would say things like 'don't pay for six months' or 'you can transfer your account from another card'...
Dwight: No, [mumbling] I don't know.
Michael: Do you think I'll get any new ones? I could... [pause, eventually looks up at Dwight]
Dwight: What?
Michael: What do you mean, 'what'?
Dwight: What... [mumbling]
Michael: Were you listening to what I was saying?
Dwight: I was aware that you were speaking.
Michael: What is the matter with you?
Dwight: What is the matter with... me?
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: I'm... discombobulated.
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: I need help.
Michael: All right, well, go find some. Get outa here, please. [Dwight sighs and leaves]
Oscar: Okay, you need to focus, Michael. You need to stop spending money.
Michael: Yeah. What?
Oscar: I hate to ask you this, but are there any retirement funds you can borrow from?
Michael: Um, my CDs.
Oscar: You have CDs?
Michael: I do.
Oscar: Okay, good, okay. What bank?
Michael: My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic
Oscar: [whispers] Case Logic.
Michael: And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car. There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head] What?
Oscar: I'm asking about Certificates of Deposit.
Michael: I've been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didn't even like. No. [shakes head]
Jan: I just think that...
Michael: I can't.
Jan: Why?
Michael: I can't go back to that.
Jan: I think you can. I... what?
Michael: I don't know if I can do that. I can't see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole.
Jan: All right, well then maybe there's another way, you know? I mean, we could just... we'll think of something else.
Michael: We will? I can't. I don't have an idea in my head.
Jan: Well... well, we will.
Michael: I have...
Jan: We just will.
Michael: Okay. What? Um...
Jan: I have some ideas.
Michael: Tell me.
Jan: [laughs] I am not going to tell you yet.
Michael: Well, please? I won't tell anybody.
Jan: Oh, yes, you will.
Michael: Yeah, I will.
Andy: Gentlemen, a word. Look, you guys are my closest friends in this office.
Jim: Right back at ya.
Andy: And as such, I come to you...
Dwight: State your business!
Andy: I am dying of lovesickness and horny-sickness.
Dwight: That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea.
Andy: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?
Dwight: Yes, I did, 'cept I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat, and she's in a kind of a grieving process, and it makes her say things. So... best to just lay off.
Andy: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.
Jim: Oh my God, you do have gonorrhea.
Phyllis: Hey, Andy! Maybe this is one of those situations where you just have to do her to get her out of your system.
Dwight: Stay out of this, you!
Andy: Hey, fellas! And... lady.
Kevin: I still do not have your reimbursement check.
Andy: That's not why I came over. I mean it's a week late, but... I just came over to say hi.
Oscar: Hi.
Kevin: [waves] Hi.
Andy: Angela, you like lacrosse?
Angela: Lacrosse, the sport?
Andy: Scranton U. Varsity's gonna scrimmage the J.V. squad. Should be pretty interesting. J.V. gets really amped.
Angela: Well, I guess it's a big opportunity for them.
Andy: Yeah.
Angela: Yeah.
Andy: You wanna go?
Angela: No.
Andy: Because we could get some food...
Angela: No.
Andy: Afterwards at the...
Angela: Andy, no. [Andy nods and starts backing away, Kevin giggles]
Andy: Still waiting on that check.
Jim: Pam! You don't think he'll mind if we take the shampoo, do you? [holds up large bottle]
Pam: Mmm. Mmm-mmm. [shakes head 'no']
Jim: Okay.
Pam: [Mose serves bacon] Thank you, Mose.
Mose: [clears throat] Everybody poops.
Jim: Yes, they do.
Mose: There's no other... way to get rid of the food.
Jim: Where's Dwight?
Mose: Gone.
Pam: Where'd he go?
Mose: His day place.
Jim: The office.
Mose: What office?
Jim: Hmm.
Pam: Mose, Angela hasn't been around here much lately, has she?
Mose: Angela?
Pam: Angela - she used to stay here sometimes?
Mose: Angela [leaves].
Mose: [on trampoline] Cannonball! Lemon bomb! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch!
Pam: Okay, we're watching, Mose!
Mose: Okay, go Yankees! I'm a war hero!
Jim: You're doin' great, buddy!
Mose: Name's Mose, buddy! Dwight, can I stop? They're not even looking.
Dwight: Yeah, go ahead and stop. You guys, you should really be looking, he's working his ass off over here.
Jim: I'm sorry, did we or did we not pay for a show?
Dwight: Okay, go ahead, they're right.
Mose: Large spins!
Jim: [not watching Mose] More spins.
Dwight: Arr, dammit! [throws saw at table he was working on]
Mose: Helicopter!


Michael: Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis!
Phyllis: Dancing babies!
Michael: Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!
Michael: We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby.
Andy: Best ad ever. [sings in the tune of the 'Kit Kat theme song'] Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that... I am totally blanking. What is the thing?
Jim: Nobody tell him!
Andy: What? No, why?
Jim: You got it, you're so close!
Andy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce.
Jim: Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don't think...
Andy: Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car.
Jim: Nope.
Andy: Football cream. Grr!
Michael: Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else?
Pam: I'm taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo.
Michael: Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good.
Michael: Hello hello!
Ad guy 1: Hey, how ya doin'?
Michael: Michael Scott.
Ad guy 2: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Regional manager.
Ad guy 2: Hey Michael, nice to meet you
Michael: Excited to talk ideas.
Ad guy 1: Let's do it, man.
Michael: You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing.
Ad guy 1: That sounds great.
Michael: All right, good, well this is what we have to work with.
Michael: I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out?
Andy: Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!
Michael: He gives the best back rubs in the office.
Andy: It's true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy [makes farting noise]. Not! You just got 'Nard dogged!
Michael: Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.
Stanley: Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?
Michael: Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
Michael: These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun.
Kevin: [looking at Oscar] Mama Bear!
Michael: Who else?
Jim: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.
Jim: You playing that game again?
Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh it has losers.
Dwight: I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. [shot of Dwight's avatar flying around]
Michael: [reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further-
Ad guy 1: Okay I can tell that your time is valuable-
Michael: Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so...
Ad guy 1: That all sounds really, really ambitious.
Michael: Yeah, I know.
Ad guy 1: Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?
Michael: Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background]
Michael: That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! [chuckles] Whoa.
Ad guy 1: That's what we came up with.
Michael: Well we can do better than that.
Ad guy 2: Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually.
Ad guy 1: Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway.
Michael: The waving?
Ad guy 1: Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative.
Andy: I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But we've been necking, but only necking. Right? Not actually kissing, our mouths, just the neck on neck. It's just like rubbing slash nuzzling our necks together. It's hot, I'm not going to lie to you , but it's a little weird, but you seem like a guy with answers, so how do I fast track this to get to first base?
Dwight: We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us.
Andy: We'll use code names.
Dwight: Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.
Andy: That's not different enough.
Dwight: Dwike?
Receptionist: You have a call from Eddie Murphy.
Ryan: Hello?
Michael: [on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice] Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! [laughing] I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry.
Ryan: What?
Michael: Okay, calm down. I have a small problem.
Ryan: I told you not to call about small problems.
Michael: Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas.
Ryan: That's good. They're creative, you're not.
Michael: I'm creative, Ryan.
Ryan: It's not part of your job, it's like, maybe you can cook but it doesn't mean you should start a restaurant.
Michael: Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.
Ryan: Okay, I'm not really interested in that right now. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals. It's a different skills set. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right?
Michael: Yeah!
Ryan: But I'm good at managing people who do sales .
Michael: Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity.
Michael: All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet.
Michael: Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today.
Ad guy 2: Okay, when should we come back?
Michael: How about never hundred hours, sir.
Ad guy 2: We were sent here to help out.
Ad guy 1: Okay I'm not going to argue with this guy. Let's go. Good luck dude.
Michael: Hey thanks. Thank you.
David Wallace: [on phone] Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people?
Michael: Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.
Ryan: I'm on Michael.
Michael: What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime.
David Wallace: This is weird.
Michael: I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it.
David Wallace: Okay, I'll see it tomorrow.
Michael: Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way.
Michael: Has anyone ever come up to you and said, 'You're not creative'?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
Jim: Who are you talking to, specifically?
Kevin: I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. [makes squinty face]
Oscar: When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain.
Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.
Michael: We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.
Phyllis: [gasps] Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now.
Michael: Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer.
Phyllis: Okay.
Andy: Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-?
Creed: She's crazy hot.
Andy: Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?
Angela: That's not happening.
Angela: I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.
Phyllis: Bye everyone.
Michael: Line it up Phyllis.
Creed: Get her Phyll.
Darryl: [singing] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly, Darryl: Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael: Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.
Darryl: What's rap?
Michael: Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix.
Darryl: Great.
Andy: News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: No talk, I'm animating.
Jim: Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. [pulls up Dwight's game] Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.
Pam: Are you serious?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Oh my God, he's really in pain.
Jim: [sighs]
Pam: Who's that?
Jim: Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever.
Pam: He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that?
Jim: Not much, it's just for tracking Dwight so-
Pam: Right... you're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too.
Jim: Yep.
Pam: You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar.
Jim: I... why don't we go back to this animation.
Pam: No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim.
Jim: Ah, show me how this works.
Pam: Oh boy.
Darryl: [singing in different tune] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Call Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael: Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.
Darryl: You're right, it's better than you! It's us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person's paper people.
Michael: No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible.
Darryl: You're on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away]
Michael: Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl.
Darryl: You just said you hated it.
Michael: No. I said I hate the, the style.
Andy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar.
Michael: Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible.
Andy: Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Michael: Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?
Phyllis: [crying] Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer.
Michael: That'a girl.
Phyllis: So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.
Michael: Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?
Phyllis: [sobbing] No.
Michael: Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape]
Jim: I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one.
Pam: Maybe, but it's not good enough for me yet.
Jim: Okay. Do you want me to stay?
Pam: No no, you can go home. I'm good.
Jim: Pam is staying late tonight to uh, achieve her dreams. So I'm pretty proud of her, unfortunately she was my ride home.
Meredith: You comin'?
Jim: I, ah...
Meredith: Piss or get off the pot!
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Jim: Good morning. [Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk] Yeah I'm sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: You're welcome.
Pam: I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.
Andy: Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night.
Dwight: Andy, I can't hear this right now.
Andy: No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We're makin' out, I'm kissin' her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she's like, 'Oh D, oh D.'
Dwight: She called you D?
Andy: Yeah. D for Andy.
Dwight: Oh D.
Andy: Oh D.
Dwight: [whispers] Oh D.
Andy: Oh D!
Both: Ohhhhhh D! [laughing] Ohhhh D!
Michael: I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. [dials phone]
Pam: [on phone] Yes?
Michael: Pam, please clear my phone lines.
Pam: Certainly. [makes beeping noises] Okay, clear.
Michael: They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God...I better call.
Michael: [Ten days later] Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!
Everyone: [watching ad] Oh! [clapping and cheering]
Bartender: Hey it seemed like a big hit.
Michael: No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real.
Jim: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player?
Jim: Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it.
Michael's Ad: [Chariots of Fire theme plays] It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. [people passing a Corporate Memo around to each other] Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. [Kelly catches paper airplane that says 'I love you'] And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time [newspaper with Andy saying 'Hometown Boy Wins Race'], and bad news isn't always what it seems. [Dwight hands Phyllis paper that says 'You have a son, and it's me'] Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. [Stanley finds paper that says 'Turn your life around. Now hiring at Dunder Mifflin'] To score. [Jim throws paper in basket, Michael retrieves it; it says 'World's Most Creative Boss'] Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world.
Everyone: [claps and cheer]
Jim: Animation? All her by the way. [points at Pam]
Bartender: Really?
Jim: I just thought you should-
Bartender: The animation was cool.
Pam: Thanks.
Bartender: Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle?
Jim: Ahh. [puts his arm around Pam]
Kevin: Michael, that was fun.
Michael: That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people!
Andy: [singing] Claude Van Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. [speaking] It's gotta rhyme with 'piece.' Fancy Feast! [sings] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it.
Michael: All right! So, anybody else? No bad ideas. Everybody, let's keep 'em coming... oh, God. Okay, Toby?
Toby: Well, you know how everyone fast forwards through ads these days? Well, what about an ad in slow motion. You know, if they fast forward through it, it'll just seem normal and it will catch your eye. Plus, uh, the slogan could be: Dunder Mifflin, we adapt to the pace of your business. [murmurs of approval by everyone but Michael]
Michael: There are no bad ideas but for an idea, that was really, really bad.
Toby: I spent three years in advertising before I came here.
Michael: And that is probably why most ads suck. [points to the ad men waiting outside the conference room] Oh, that's them! Those are the ad guys right there. All right, my very fortunate and creative group, go back to your desks and I will let you know when it is time to film. [everyone starts leaving the conference room] [loud whisper] Pam! Pam, come here for a second. Did you get the memo about dressing your best?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: About dressing your best today?
Pam: Yeah, I distribute so I get all the memos.
Michael: Cool. Cool, I just wanted to make sure you got it.
Pam: Yeah, I get all the memos. [starts to leave]
Michael: Okay, good. Good.
Michael: This is Pam Beesly, representing our girl next door. Pretty but nothing special. You know, but she sort of keeps it real. What you might want to do, is if you could zoom in, like really quick zooms on her. Might be good. [walking away] Who else? [pointing] Oh, Creed... is the old guy over there. Don't look at him. You might want to use him to sort of get that Orville Redenbacher dynamic going.
Ad guy 1: Sure.
Ad guy 2: Right.
Michael: And if not we can just make him disappear. [walks quickly over to Jim's desk] This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face, don't you Jim? He is like our Mr. Bean.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: So do, um, do sad, do the sad face.
Jim: I don't want -
Michael: No, that's skeptical. Do sad.
Jim: Mmm...
Michael: That's, that's a pirate movie. [Jim stares at Michael] That's annoyed. Well, he doesn't do very well under pressure.
Ad guy 1: [shakes head] Yeah... no. [Jim turns to Pam with an exaggerated sad face; Pam laughs. Dwight walks towards Michael and the ad men]
Michael: And anybody else, we can just hire an actor to replace. Follow me! Let's get this movin'. [Dwight goes back to his seat, embarrassed]
Michael: All right, let's start.
Jim: All right! [sitting down behind Michael's desk] I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing, but...
Michael: You are my producer, you are a suit. I am the creative genius. You take care of all the boring stuff, and let my mind just run free.
Jim: Yup.
Michael: Now, we have eighty-five dollars, and a Sam Goody gift certificate...
Jim: Right.
Michael: ...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow.
Jim: Mmmhmm. Why don't you start by telling me what you got.
Michael: We start on a single blank sheet of paper.
Jim: Love it.
Michael: And we widen to reveal ancient Rome.
Jim: Mm, can't do that.
Michael: Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman's womb.
Jim: Definitely can't do that.
Michael: Bull[censored] man!
Jim: You know what?
Michael: This is bull[censored]!
Jim: Okay, Scott, why don't you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial.
Michael: Ahhhh! [sweeps toys off his desk]
Jim: I'm just doing my job, man.
Michael: If you don't let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk!
Jim: Good! Fine! I've got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee... [dialing phone]
Michael: No! No! Jim, Jim, don't, don't...
Jim: What? What?
Michael: No, I can do it.
Jim: What?
Michael: I can do it good. I can do it good. Please, don't. Please. [kneels in front of desk] Please give me it.
Jim: Okay, make a commercial.
Michael: [taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed?
Jim: Closed. [Michael leaves his office, gives Jim two thumbs up, which Jim returns]
Michael: Hey, everybody, I just got off the phone with David Wallace, and he has given us the go-ahead to make the first ever Dunder Mifflin television commercial. Huh?
Everyone: [applause]
Michael: I can't hear you! [less applause] Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be...
Dwight: We had already applauded.
Michael: Okay, okay. Who could do music?
Pam: How about Darryl?
Michael: Actually, I'm a little concerned about having a black person do the music, because that could create a positive stereotype that could then become a... celestine prophesy, and keep the next Bon Jovi from ever picking up a piano.
Jim: Michael is on a mission to prove that he's creative. Which I think is odd, because Michael actually might be the most creative person I've ever known. Every day, Michael says and thinks things that no one has ever said or thought before.