Pam: Hey Brian, you got a sec?
Brian: Yeah, hold on a sec.
Pam: I feel awful.
Brian: It's fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. [phone rings]
Erin: [in background] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.
Pam: Well, thanks for being a good friend.
Brian: Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away?
Pam: Yeah, mostly.
Erin: Pam, phone call.
Pam: Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa.
Brian: Will do.
Pam: Okay. Thank you.
Brian: Sure.
Meredith: Hey, boom guy.
Brian: Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: When are you gonna boom me?
Brian: Uh, listen, they're cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It's a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna' I, I'll see you later.
Meredith: Got it.
Clark: Hey, so I hear you're bringing in some people to interview for the sales job?
Dwight: That's right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.
Clark: Well, uh' see, you raised it.
Dwight: Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did.
Dwight: Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim's desk while he's away in Philly. Finally I'll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It's like, 'Really, Jim? You don't understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.' Wow.
Clark: You know what, man? I deserve this job.
Dwight: Mm-hmm.
Clark: I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond' and under.
Dwight: You know what? You're gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you're going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance.
Dwight: Clark has no chance. I mean, he's up against my buddy Rolf, for God's sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor ' he'll make you laugh so hard, you'll puke your pants.
Clark: This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome.
Dwight: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
Jim: You could've just called that an alliance too, right?
Dwight: I chose my words very carefully.
Jim: Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that's only gonna make things worse.
Clark: [sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too?
Rolf: No. You're interviewing for it. I'm getting it.
Clark: Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I mean, I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen.
Rolf: I'm Rolf. Rolf Ahl.
Clark: Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl.
Rolf: Go to hell.
Clark: There he is.
Dwight: Hey. Come on, buddy. Let's do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don't compare. When you're with the R-O-L-F, you're literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. [laughs]
Rolf: Nice.
Dwight: Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy.
Pam: When are you talking to David Wallace?
Jim: I'm talking to him this afternoon, but don't get your hopes up.
Pam: Too late. My hopes are up.
Jim: Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we're scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix ' me asking the boss of the company I'm abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So' problem solved. Thanks, guys.
Dwight: And this chair's gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!
Jim: I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone.
Dwight: No doy!
Jim: I'm just gonna call you back. Thanks.
Rolf: I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don't do earbuds.
Dwight: [laughs] No earbuds! [both laugh]
Jim: I'm sure he's just nervous.
Pam: [sighs] It's fine. It's just a seating arrangement. Doesn't matter.
Dwight: So I've got your resume here, but it's not telling me everything.
Rolf: Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you're qualified to evaluate me?
Dwight: Well, I'm the one offering the job.
Rolf: What are your credentials?
Dwight: I've worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I'm an Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Rolf: I think I've heard everything I need to hear.
Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I'm sure he'd give a reference.
Rolf: Thank you, Dwight. I'll be in touch.
Dwight: Well, they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next and he's a real professional. You say, 'Jump,' and he says, 'Oh who?' He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.
Dwight: What makes you think you'd be an effective paper salesman?
Trevor: Ooh, okay. Didn't see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it.
Dwight: Well, it's a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman.
Trevor: Pass. Next one.
Dwight: All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?
Trevor: No, no and no.
Dwight: There were only two options.
Trevor: Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking?
Dwight: This is a bus transfer.
Trevor: [chuckles] Nothing gets by this guy.
Clark: Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview?
Jim: Sure, yeah, go ahead.
Clark: Thanks, dude. You'you sure it's okay? 'Cause you're kinda'
Jim: Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? You're clean, right?
Clark: Oh, Dove Men.
Jim: Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don't listen to it at all because we're at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so'
Clark: Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?
Jim: Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do.
Clark: Thanks, dude.
Jim: Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face.
Clark: Why?
Jim: I need you to breathe in my face right now.
Clark: [exhales]
Jim: What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?
Clark: Wintergreen.
Jim: I knew it, I knew it.
Clark: Yeah, good nose.
Jim: I looked at you coming around, and I said, 'Wintergreen.'
Dwight: I can't hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.
Dwight: Okay, here's one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can't rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party.
Clark: That's just a classic no-win situation.
Dwight: Thank you.
Clark: So I'd Kobayashi Maru it.
Dwight: Damn it! Perfect answer, again.
Clark: Yep.
Dwight: Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond '
Clark: You know what, Dwight?
Dwight: And anoth'
Clark: This interview's over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process.
Dwight: No.
Clark: Yeah. Star Trek rules.
Dwight: It does, but still no.
Clark: Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?
Dwight: Oh, you think they're my only friends? I've got way more friends than that, and they're all better than the losers who work here.
Stanley: This is not natural.
Oscar: Just ' I don't wanna make assumptions based on people's physical appearances.
Pam: Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?
Darryl: They smell so bad.
Meredith: If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right?
Kevin: Meredith, I tell you all the time.
Meredith: [chuckles] Walked right into that one.
Dwight: Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise.
Dwight: What quality would make you a good sales associate?
Mose: People person.
Dwight: It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.
Mose: That's right.
Dwight: You know we live together, right?
Mose: Yes.
Dwight: And I've never seen you go to work, ever.
Mose: Okay.
Dwight: So why is this on your resume? [door slams]
Clark: So how'd you guys hear about the position?
Gabor: My'my mom.
Nate: Dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can't stay out of her stuff.
Zeke: Dwight's my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower.
Clark: You were in the shower or he was in the shower?
Zeke: Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's like, a ton of people in there.
Clark: So you guys all know Dwight already?
Melvina: I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.
Gabor: I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.
Melvina: You went to X-Men school too? [exhales]
Clark: X-Men school?
Dwight: When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.
Gabor: Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi's. A lot of telemarketing.
Angela: I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.
Stanley: I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us.
Nellie: Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.
Jim: How is it my fault?
Nellie: Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.
Jim: But it's Dwight who's bring in all the weirdos.
Oscar: Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.
Pam: Hey, I'm the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim's away. I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. [sighs] Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.
David Wallace: [on phone] Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later.
Jim: Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input'
Dwight: [presses speaker button] This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don't lie. I can tell if you're lying.
David Wallace: Hey, Dwight. It's David.
Dwight: David.
David Wallace: Jim says he'd like some say in the hiring process.
Dwight: Really? That's interesting. 'Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who's here every day. And frankly, killing it lately.
Jim: I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife'
David Wallace: Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work.
Jim: Oh. Um'
David Wallace: Yeah.
Jim: Okay. I can't say that that's not fair.
Dwight: Sounds fair to me, David.
David Wallace: And I know we have a call scheduled for later '
Jim: Oh, yeah, so we'll just do that later.
Dwight: No. Why not do it now?
David Wallace: Yeah. What's up Jim?
Jim: Uh' [clears throat] Well, it's about Athlead. I'm sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call?
Dwight: I'd love to be in the loop, David.
David Wallace: It's okay. Go ahead, Jim.
Jim: There's a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor '
David Wallace: Okay. Jim, I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
Jim: Yes, okay. Bye.
Dwight: [whispers] I'd love to invest.
Jim: No, thanks.
Dwight: I'd like to give you $100 million. [snickers] [phone ringing]
Hide: Why you make trees into bushes? You don't make paper from bushes.
Pam: Hide, they're giving out jobs upstairs. Why don't you go up and get one?
Hide: Thank you.
Pam: Yeah.
Troy: Whoops.
Zeke: [patting Darryl's hair] It's dense. Like bread.
Jim: Dwight, you can't just hire someone 'cause they're your friend.
Dwight: I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.
Nellie: They're freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks.
Dwight: You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.
Darryl: Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.
Wolf: Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch.
Dwight: Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch.
Dwight: Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of 'em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof.
Dwight: Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.
Wolf: Do you want this paper?
Dwight: I sure do.
Wolf: It's not very good.
Dwight: I will pay you whatever it takes.
Wolf: I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad.
Dwight: No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money.
Wolf: Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It's over.
Dwight: Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You're still at the 570 number?
Wolf: I am.
Dwight: Okay. Good, good, good. [sighs]
Hide: I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University.
Dwight: This isn't gonna work out.
Hide: Thank you. [chuckles]
Dwight: Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He's a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I'm hesitant. Why can't I pull the trigger on any of them?
Dwight: [groaning] No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. [knock at door]
Melvina: Do you need to be changed?
Dwight: I do that myself now.
Melvina: Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I've been double-parked for five hours. I'm wondering if I should move my car.
Dwight: No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes.
Melvina: Well, the joke's on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas.
Trevor: Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, we're still gonna be your friend.
Wolf: Yeah, whether it's me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvina'
Dwight: Or none of you [chuckles]
Wolf: Yeah, you'd bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us.
Trevor: Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you.
Dwight: I wish I could hire all of you.
Zeke: I could start Monday.
Dwight: Psst. Jim Jim? [whispering] Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around.
Jim: Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I'm not looking south, I'm not livin'. That's what I always say.
Dwight: Just act natural. [grunts]
Dwight: And I was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.
Jim: But you know I wouldn't hire any of these all-stars.
Dwight: Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it's your call.
Jim: Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?
Dwight: I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn't picture any of them in the old gold and gray.
Jim: I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight: Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.
Jim: Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You?
Dwight: Yes. Thank you. Amazed.
Jim: And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you.
Sensei Ira: I'm sorry?
Dwight: What? This is such bullcrap!
Jim: Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say.
Dwight: Wow. So much crap. It's just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?
Jim: Too much now.
Dwight: Okay.
Nate: Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep.
Dwight: Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever.
Jim: That seems inconsiderate.
Rolf: No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Don't open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe.
Dwight: Guys, it wasn't up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn't my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor.
Trevor: Well, my day's shot.
Rolf: Yeah, it's that weird hour where it's too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson's.
Wolf: I got it. Paintball.
Dwight: Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work?
Trevor: [yelling] And what are we supposed to do until then?
Dwight: Okay.
Wolf: Let's just go, you guys.
Rolf: Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right?
Jim: All right. I think that went well.
Jim: So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that'll print out'Hey. Meet your new desk mate.
Clark: What's up good lookin'?
Pam: Oh, cool. Hey Clark.
Jim: Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering.
Pam: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate.
Jim: Okay. I'm really sorry I told the guys I'd be there for the board meeting.
Pam: Of course.
Jim: I'll call you when I get there.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Bye.
Jim: Take care of my wife. I will be back.
Dwight: They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.
Clark: Hey, Pam, I'm going to the kitchen. You want anything?
Pam: I'm good.
Dwight: Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee.
Clark: Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.
Dwight: [scoffs]
Pam: Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy?
Dwight: Who, me?
Pam: Us.
Dwight: Absolutely, I do. [giggles]
Pam: Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, I'll distract him, you take that.
Dwight: Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that's great.
Pam: [shushes]
Pam & Dwight: [laughs]
Dwight: Aah!
Clark: No!
Dwight: Welcome to the club, pig! [laughs]
Pam: No, Dwight!
Dwight: Aah!
Jim: No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I'm gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does.


Nellie: Have you seen Darryl?
Erin: He's around here somewhere.
Nellie: Mmm. [exits, Erin smiles deviously]
Erin: Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. [checks for anyone around] Neither guy is here. And, it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies.
Erin: Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now, he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun.
Erin: [as Darryl descends stairs, Erin ascends carrying a giant teddy bear] Darryl. Meet... bear... ull.
Darryl: How much did you pay for that?
Erin: Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe.
Darryl: Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But, Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.
Erin: [exiting Darryl's office] Ha, ha, ha! Darryl, you are too much! [to Phyllis] That guy's hilarious. He's here today. [giant teddy bear is viewed in Darryl's office]
Pam: I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally OK with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody is doing. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But, I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um, it's really coming together... [sees mural] Oh my god! [camera pans to mural with butts painted over it] Wha? You've gotta be kidding me! What it... are those... are those butts? [to warehouse crew] Huh? No way. No way!
Angela: Excuse me, everyone. Is it OK if I leave early from work today? It's Phillip's first birthday and the senator and I are hosting a party at our house.
Erin: Aw, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids.
Angela: No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew. It will mostly be campaign donors.
Kevin: Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping... [pulls cash from wallet] 8 dollars to Lipton For America to have an invitation...
Angela: No, no, please. You know, actually, none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about.
Oscar: [undertone] Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too.
Angela: What?
Oscar: He said he wanted me there for support.
Angela: I'm his! His... wife.
Oscar: Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. [laughs] Me.
Angela: [on phone with Robert] We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public. It's humiliating for me. Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too.
Jim: [in Darryl and Jim's Philly apartment] Hey.
Darryl: Hey.
Jim: We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly.
Darryl: Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates.
Jim: And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's, uh, kinda nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down.
Darryl: Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom.
Jim: I'm couching it!
Darryl: Which usually means there's clothes all over the living room.
Jim: And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. And, I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?
Darryl: I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just, he uses old t-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to [quote-unquote fingers] soak... He hooked me up with a job.
Pam: [ascends on lift, using megaphone] Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this will you please raise your hand. [no one replies] Hello? This is not over. OK? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? [descends on lift] Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice.
Pam: I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But, someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. [boom microphone bumps her head, she smiles] I mean, OK, not completely on my own. But, in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian.
Jim: Hey. So, Wade wants to send people to the Sloan conference. We gotta compile a list of our target clients.
Darryl: Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first.
Jim: [to camera] Who is this guy? We are killing it.
Darryl: Yes sir. [notices Jim's using his coffee mug]
Jim: Yeah!
Pam: [entering office] Conference room. Everybody. Now!
Dwight: You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting.
Pam: Yes, but David Wallace does. And he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff... That's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting.
Dwight: You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super secret, classified conference room meeting?
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight: Let's go everyone. Super secret, classified conference room meeting, now!
Pam: [to everyone in conference room] I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it.
Erin: I thought that's what you were doing.
Pam: Yeah, but this is different.
Erin: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?
Pam: I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint. So...
Erin: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Pam: Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... OK, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals. And, they need to be stopped.
Meredith: Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall. Which is so messed up. It's 6782 not 83.
Creed: Uh, 6783's also a good time. Less mileage.
Oscar: Pam, what can be done?
Pam: Yes. Thank you. Let's answer that question.
Oscar: I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.
Pam: What? Come on guys. We need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isn't just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Don't you see? How much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing.
Phyllis: David Wallace called this meeting?
Pam: Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently, he is very passionate about public art.
Pam: [as everyone begin to leave] No, no. Come on, guys. Don't go.
Dwight: Pam, I'll help you.
Pam: You will?
Dwight: If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime.
Pam: Thank you.
Nellie: I am in too, Pam.
Pam: Yeah?
Nellie: Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored.
Pam: Great.
Pam: I was hoping for a righteous mob, and I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But, they both have a mob mentality. And, I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.
Dwight: [enters quickly] You need my pitchfork?
Angela: [approaches Dwight as he leaves] Hey!
Dwight: What is it? I have vengeance to exact.
Angela: Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event. And, I want you.
Dwight: Ah, I'm not interested.
Angela: What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people.
Dwight: If I get the deicing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics. [exits]
Kevin: Hey. So, a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So, do you want me to go with you?
Angela: No.
Kevin: OK. I understand. I'll just stay here, then. Alone with the money.
Angela: Aw, crap.
Dwight: [in warehouse] I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own.
Frank: You're gonna to compare 'um to the butts up there. [gestures mural]
Dwight: Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.
Glenn: I'm not drawing a butt.
Nellie: All right then, they're bottoms. Uh, we should ask you to do big, rounded Ws.
Dwight: Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps.
Val: OK, OK. I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go.
Dwight: Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts...
Nellie: Well, this is getting us nowhere.
Pam: We need another approach. Um, we need to fine the weakest one and separate him from the group. [they notice Nate struggling with a box] Yeah. I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him.
Dwight: We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. [holds up phone] Nate. Your mother is dying. [Nate reacts with grief]
Pam: See, I feel bad about that.
Dwight: It's all right. It's all right.
Nate: So, she's gonna pull through again? [all nod] That's great. Can I talk to her?
Dwight: No. She needs her rest again.
Nellie: Now listen. Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business.
Dwight: You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum.
Nate: Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt...
Pam: [interrupting] Tell us who defaced the mural!
Nate: [points at Warehouse Worker Frank] He did it.
Pam: All right. You can go. Give him his gum.
Dwight: There's no gum. There never was any gum.
Nate: [leaving] That's really rude.
Kevin: [at Phillip's party] Opening with pub pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck.
Oscar: [noticing a portrait of Angela on the wall] That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?
Party Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton. [guests applaud]
Senator: Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming. Phillip had no idea he was so popular.
Angela: [laughs] Oh, Robert, you're horrible. [to other guests] Simon, Maxine. [sarcastically] Who let you guys in here?
Athlead Employee: [points to Jim and Darryl] This is the team.
Jim: Nice job, man.
Darryl: You too... Darryl.
Jim: [confused] What? [Darryl points at his thermos Jim has been using] Oh, man! I'm sorry about that.
Darryl: It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes.
Jim: Oh, um... Are you really mad about this?
Darryl: That's my go-to thermos. That's all.
Jim: Oh. It's your go-to therm. Oh, man. That's a bummer. I'm sorry about that.
Darryl: No big deal. No big deal.
Jim: No, no. If it's a big deal, it's a big deal.
Darryl: Nah, nah...
Jim: No big deal.
Darryl: [as Jim empties thermos into trash] Nah, nah, nah. You don't have to do that.
Jim: Honestly, I don't mind. [long, awkward pause until thermos is empty] Did you want me to wash it for you or...
Darryl: I don't know. You gonna wash it? Or you gonna let it soak?
Jim: [after tense pause] OK. Here ya go. [roughly hands Darryl his thermos]
Darryl: Thank you.
Nellie: So, Frank. Do you have any thoughts about what was done? By you?
Pam: [to Nellie] Maybe, maybe I could, could get the ball rolling. [Nellie nods] Um, Frank? Hi. Pam. Um, I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So. Truly. If, if, I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn.
Toby: [Warehouse Worker Frank remains silent, picks ear] You sort of deserve an apology here. Frank?
Frank: I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny.
Pam: Well, I didn't think that butt was funny.
Frank: Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours.
Pam: What was that?
Frank: You know what? You people can't fire me. So, screw you. [exits]
Pam: Whoa! Hey! That is not OK. What are you gonna do about that?
Toby: Uh... it... compliment...
Nellie: The first 'sorry' sounded sincere.
Toby: There were two or three 'sorry's in there. [mumbles along with Nellie]
Pam: That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy.
Dwight: Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out? Huh? Who won the hugging contest? Oh, let me guess. Everyone tied for first.
Pam: We should just take him down.
Dwight: Wait. Are you saying...
Pam: I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face.
Dwight: Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt.
Dwight: He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him.
Pam: Yes!
Dwight: A little eye for an eye action.
Pam: Yes!
Dwight: Go all Hammurabi on this clown.
Pam: We need an infiltrator.
Dwight: I know just the man for the job. [looks at Clark]
Pam: Clark?
Dwight: He even looks like a mole.
Oscar: One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.
Party Guest: You two seem very close.
Senator: Yes. We're good friends. Good friends.
Oscar: Yeah.
Senator: You know, I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. For a long time, our party has turned it's back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. [puts arms around Oscar] I am a friend of the Latino community. And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. [guests laugh] Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable? Given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. [slaps Oscar's cheek] My friend. Mi amigo. Oscar. [guests applaud as he hugs Oscar]
Oscar: Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian.
Darryl: Oh, hey.
Jim: Hey.
Darryl: I usually watch TV during my lunch breaks. It's cool?
Jim: Yeah. Totally.
Darryl: All right.
Jim: [after Darryl eyes him drinking from a thermos] It's mine. Don't worry.
Darryl: I didn't say anything.
Jim: I don't think you had to.
Darryl: Excuse me?
Jim: I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour I couldn't use that?
Darryl: What you need flour for, Jim?
Jim: That's not the point.
Darryl: What? You making bread?
Jim: No, I'm not making bread.
Darryl: What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?
Jim: Darryl, it doesn't matter. I think you know the point I'm trying to make.
Darryl: All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, I just... you know, I get finicky about my stuff. That's all.
Jim: It's all good. Are we all good?
Darryl: We good.
Jim: What's that cooler?
Darryl: Nothing. [pulls out a can of soda] It's mine. [Jim shakes his head] [after looking through DVR] What happened to my Tavis Smileys?
Jim: Oh, crap. Were those yours?
Dwight: [pulling Clark across the parking lot] I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?
Clark: Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys.
Dwight: Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work.
Clark: OK, boss. [quietly] Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like you're smarter than this.
Pam: Shh, shh.
Clark: This is never gonna work.
Pam: Shh. Remember your lines.
Clark: What lines?
Dwight: Go move some paper!
Pam: [to Darryl on phone] Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse?
Darryl: He's not my hire, but I know who he is.
Pam: OK. What does he like? What's important to him? Does he have like a favorite pair of boots or a lunch box or...
Darryl: What? Is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something?
Pam: Yeah, something like that.
Darryl: I know he loves his pick up truck.
Pam: Oh, great! [to Dwight] His truck!
Dwight: Great. Get the plate number.
Pam: OK. [to Darryl] Do you know the plate... never mind. Why would you know that? And why would I be asking that?
Dwight: So we know which truck to van...
Darryl: Hey. While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that?
Pam: Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye. [to Dwight] Come on. [camera pans to Clark duct taped to a chair]
Party Photographer: Hold on a second. Uh, Sandeep? Let's get you closer to the senator. Just about there. Great. And, Oscar? I'm gonna need you to step a little closer to the senator, as well. Somewhere there.
Angela: He's blocking me.
Senator: It's only a photo, honey.
Party Photographer: [to party waiter] Excuse me, uh, what's your name?
Party Waiter: Sean.
Party Photographer: LaShawn. Great. You wanna be in a photo? Right this way. [notices overweight man following] Not you. No.
Oscar: He put me here.
Angela: He put you right in front of me?
Party Photographer: Let's just wheel Margaret right in front...
Oscar: Ow! Robert?!
Senator: Angela.
Party Photographer: Smile. [Angela attempts to get in front of Oscar as pictures are taken]
Pam: I'm done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural?
Dwight: Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural, I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita.
Pam: Aw, Dwight. That's really sweet.
Dwight: Let's see yours.
Pam: Oh, no. Um, I, I'm embarrassed. It's stupid.
Dwight: This is amazing! Frank! And he's leaving a trail of poops?
Pam: Yeah. And he has saggy boobs.
Dwight: I saw that. That's great!
Pam: Yeah. I feel better.
Dwight: Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.
Pam: I know. You miss Angela, don't you?
Dwight: Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.
Pam: I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. The paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. But, I think the lesson will last a very...
Frank: [exiting building and approaching Pam] Lady! My truck? You had no right!
Pam: No, you had no right!
Frank: It's a $40,000 truck!
Pam: So? You started it!
Frank: So? So someone need to shut you up! [attempts to attack Pam]
Brian: Hey, hey, hey! [knocks Frank down with boom microphone]
Pam: Whoa.
Brian: [as Frank gets up] Easy! [Frank grabs him]
Frank: You son of a bitch!
Brian: You're gonna hit a woman?
Senator: Thanks so much for coming. Thanks so much. [to Oscar and Angela] Well. Have we all calmed down yet?
Oscar: Yes. Sorry about that.
Angela: It was all my fault.
Senator: Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you.
Kevin: Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck.
Senator: I beg your pardon.
Kevin: You are like a terrible person. These guys care about you and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good. [Oscar and Angela exit looking pleased]
Pam: Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers.
Brian: No. No, it's...
Pam: You shouldn't be fired. I mean, you were just protecting me.
Brian: It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's... I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because you put so much into that.
Pam: Forget about my mural. It's stupid.
Brian: No. You, you worked hard on that. That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him too.
Pam: It's crazy. Brian, I'm so sorry.
Brian: Look. I don't, I don't wanna put myself where I don't belong. If you ever need me, you just call me. And I'll be there for you.
Pam: Thanks, Brian.
Brian: Seeya.
Jim: Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that's just 'Roommates 101'.
Darryl: [playing video game with Jim] Oh. Come on!
Jim: Oh. Oh!
Darryl: Damn!
Jim: [imitating game announcer] You win. [Darryl throws empty can on floor] How good did that feel?
Darryl: That felt really good, actually.


Pam: [to Jim] Hey. I feel so lucky we're in the same city for Valentine's Day.
Jim: It's like magic. Or, it's like me getting on my hands and knees and begging my partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday.
Pam: [makes magic trick hand gesture] Alakazam!
Jim: By the way, they do need an extra day next week.
Pam: And, poof! He disappears. [Jim snaps, playing along]
Erin: [to Pete] Hey! Wanna play hookey today?
Pete: Oh, maybe. What do you have in mind?
Erin: We can do anything you want.
Erin: I really wanna have fun today because tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. Andy's coming back from his stupid, dumb boat trip. He's been rude. He's been selfish. I think he's a big jerk. And I'm breaking up with him. Bam, Andy! How do you like me now?... I hope as a friend.
Pete: Erin says she's gonna break up with Andy, but I'm not sure. He's coming back tomorrow and surprise, today, she wants to do whatever I'd like. You know, when I was a kid, we had a dog who go real sick and we had to 'send him to a farm'. And on his last day, we did everything he loved.
Erin: [has an idea and reveals a frisbee from under her desk] Wanna play catch in the parking lot?
Pete: [slightly surprised] Sure.
Erin: Great.
Pete: I'll get my coat.
Erin: Perfect. [Pete walks away eying the camera knowingly]
Dwight: [knocks on Andy's door, then pretends to answer as Andy] Come in.
Dwight: [talking to Andy's empty chair] Andy, hi. I just made another huge sale for the company that you manage. I need you to authorize that expense report and sign off on that contract.
Dwight: [pretending to be Andy] I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute. Rick-a-dick-doo, rick-a-dick-dick-dick, rick-a-dick-doo.
Dwight: I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.
Kevin: Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now, Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's goodbye chunky, lemon milk.
Kevin: [to entire office]OK, I'll say it. I wish Andy had stayed on his trip.
Nellie: I say we all have one last fun boss-less day.
Meredith: Yeah, let's get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out. No consequences.
Phyllis: Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.
Stanley: Phil, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.
Phyllis: Oh...
Angela: They have a nail salon there where I get my feet detailed. [to Meredith] They use a watch repair kit.
Kevin: [to Angela] Ew! I'll be your foot buddy.
Nellie: Everyone, it is our last day here with no manager. I say we go to the mini mall. Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend so I can get the discount.
Clark: It's what I do. [everyone begins to leave]
Oscar: Darryl, everyone seems to be pairing off. Do you want to pretend to be a couple so we get the...
Darryl: No... yes, yes. Why wouldn't I... wanna pretend to be gay? Got no problem with that.
Oscar: All right, it'll be easy. Don't be nervous, just follow my...
Darryl: [interrupting] Stop talking 'bout it. I said I'm fine with it.
Pam: [eating] These are gross.
Jim: They are terrible.
Pam: Oh, hey, don't fill up on chocolates. I made us a lunch reservation at State Street Grill.
Jim: Oh my god. That's so romantic.
Pam: It's with Brian and Alyssa.
Jim: Oh my god. That's less romantic.
Pam: I know. But we should go. We need to thank him for, you know, saving my life.
Jim: Yeah, yeah. No, totally. That's good. So, should we just get a bottle of wine later and celebrate?
Pam: That sounds nice.
Jim: I'm very excited to see Brian. Brian's a great guy. And Pam and I have gotten really close to he and his wife, Alyssa over the years. And he got fired for protecting my wife from a jerk in the warehouse. I'm sorry, but you know him. He's a good guy.
Nail stylist 1: Oh, tiny, poor lady is back. Oh, get the baby clipper. [other nails stylists gush over Angela]
Nail stylist 2: [to Clark] You take off your glasses.
Clark: Kay. [removes glasses]
Nellie: [nail stylist 2 giggles] What?
Nail stylist 2: Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl.
Nellie: My boyfriend does look like a pretty girl, doesn't he? Yes, a very little pretty girl. And you know what, now that you are developing, we should go and get you a training bra. [both laugh at Clark]
Clark: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You know what? No more discount. [to nail manager] Excuse me. [gesturing he and Nellie] Full price. We're not together.
Nellie: Oh, come on!
Clark: She's living a lie.
Nellie: Turns out, I can't even be in a pretend relationship.
Oscar: [to nail manager] Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.
Nail manager: No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.
Oscar: We are together. Romantically.
Nail manager: Two men? [other nail stylist speaks Korean to manager, both laugh] [gestures index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount.
Darryl: Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes. And no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl exit holding hands]
Jim: [enters restaurant with Pam] Hey, Brian.
Brian: Hey.
Pam: Sorry we're late.
Brian: Oh, uh, no problem. I finished all the bread.
Pam: Ha,ha,ha, yeah OK.
Jim: What?
Pam: He's on a no carb thing. Supposedly.
Jim: Oh.
Brian: It's, uh, great to see you guys. Thanks for coming.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Are you kidding? Thank you, man. I mean, I've wanted the opportunity to say thanks for... everything. And I'm really sorry about the job. That just seems crazy.
Brian: It's fine. What are you gonna do, you know? But, if you guys know of any work, I'm fully available.
Pam: Well, my dad can't hear a thing. You could boom his whole life for him.
Brian: That's... OK, great. Does he pay well?
Pam: Where's Alyssa?
Brian: Uh, yeah. Um, you know, Alyssa's, she's not gonna make it today.
Pam: Oh.
Brian: Actually, we're not gonna make it. Um... we're splitting up.
Dwight: [to Andy's empty chair] I have yet another sales order for you to sign.
Dwight: [acting as Andy] Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo.
Andy: [in his office doorway, bearded and unkept] Hi Dwight.
Dwight: You're back. [surveys Andy] And you're disgusting.
Phyllis: [as everyone returns to the office] Ah, geez. My nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours.
Andy: Well, well, well, look who it is.
Phyllis: Andy.
Andy: I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived.
Erin: Andy!
Andy: Hey! Sweetheart! [approaches Erin] I have missed you so much.
Erin: [obviously avoiding Andy's embrace] Yes. [gives Andy high fives] Welcome back, buddy.
Andy: [attempting to hug Erin as she resists] I have been dreaming of this moment.
Erin: Me too. So much. I'm so happy.
Erin: I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something.
Oscar: What happened? We thought you were coming back tomorrow.
Andy: Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin. Hello? Super romantic. And I got you something. [removes wooden instruments from bag] Oh, it's a couple of pieces of bamboo. Big deal, right? No. These are musical instruments. It's so we can play island music together. Cause I have this. [removes g��iro and begins playing and singing] Clop the cloppers. Yeah, clop 'em. It's called Bembe. [sings while Kevin echoes]
Dwight: Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.
Andy: Obviously, that's why I'm here. I mean, I came back early to surprise Erin. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. [tries to embrace Erin but she begins playing cloppers] But, I'm just saying, I'm also excited about the Wallace meeting.
Clark: Why? Isn't he just coming in to rip you a new one for being gone three months?
Dwight: No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. [Andy stalls] Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?
Andy: I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know. But we've been in touch the whole time. I mean, it's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks de Caicos, people. It's in every Bembe cafe.
Erin: He only emailed me four times.
Andy: Question. Where's Jim?
Phyllis: He and Pam are having their Valentine's Day lunch.
Andy: For two hours? Really?
Oscar: So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work?
Andy: If the shoe fits. [plays g��iro and sings, Kevin echoes]
Brian: We were telling two different versions of the same story. And then, everything just went numb.
Jim: Well, I mean, that's OK. It doesn't mean that it's over. Right? I mean, couples fight.
Brian: Yeah. That's the thing. When we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. And, it wasn't until we stopped fighting that, we realized that it was over. You know, it's over. [overcome by emotion] I'm sorry, this is... oh my god, OK. [to Pam] We have to stop seeing each other like this. We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other.
Pam: [obviously flustered] Yeah.
Jim: What?
Brian: At least my crying won't get you fired.
Jim: Crying?
Andy: I noticed that you landed the Scranton White Pages account. That is tremendous.
Dwight: Thank you.
Andy: And you sold it to Jan too.
Dwight: Yes!
Andy: I mean... I'm impressed.
Dwight: [laughing together] Yeah!
Andy: Well, there's one problem. Couldn't help but notice that you offered a price point that was not approved by the head office. So... gotta run that stuff by me, Dwight.
Dwight: You were on a boat.
Andy: I was...
Dwight: On a boat.
Andy: That...
Dwight: In the ocean.
Andy: OK. The issue is that you need to run this stuff by me. Coolio? Are we coolio? [Dwight resists] Just say the word 'coolio'.
Dwight: I'm not gonna say it.
Andy: Say it.
Dwight: Not a word.
Andy: Coolio.
Dwight: No! [Andy makes a call] What do you think you're doing?
Andy: Just gonna call the Scranton White Pages and clear this right up.
Dwight: Don't you dare! Andy!
Jan: [on phone] Hello?
Andy: Hey, Jan. Nard dog here.
Jan: Oh, Andy.
Andy: I was just looking over the paperwork. I found a little hiccup.
Jan: Really?
Andy: Yeah. It appears my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to.
Jan: Hmm.
Dwight: [whispers] Coolio.
Jan: Seriously? You're calling me a few weeks after finalizing our contract to gouge me now for more money? Is that what you're doing?
Dwight: Coolio. Coolio.
Andy: No. No, no, no Jan I think you misunderstood.
Jan: Yeah.
Dwight: Coolio.
Andy: It, it's, it's actually just an issue...
Jan: You know what? You know what, uh, Nard dog? There is an option in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing. So, I would like to exercise that option.
Dwight: No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.
Andy: Jan, I don't know what he's talking about but...
Jan: Tell Angela to send me a final invoice.
Andy: Well, ah, ah...
Dwight: Please Ja, Ja... [Jan hangs up]
Andy: Aw! That was not how I had hoped that would go.
Andy: [approaching Accounting] Hey, everybody, great job. [to Angela] Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks.
Angela: Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays. [hands Andy a folder]
Andy: All right. Thank you very much. [examines checks] Looking good. [after noticing something on Angela's desk] Who's that little fella?
Angela: It's a bonus check. For you. From Wallace. Because the branch exceeded it's targets over the past quarter.
Andy: Wow, that's wonderful!
Oscar: A quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone.
Andy: Uh-huh.
Angela: Uh-huh.
Andy: Uh-huh... [after awkward pause] Uh-huh. [Angela hands him the bonus check] Thank you. Great. Well, we're all up to speed.
Dwight: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
Clark: [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.
Kevin: He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky, lemon milk. Who needs him, right?
Dwight: God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.
Dwight: I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.
Nellie: I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?
Meredith: Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?
Erin: Hey!
Pete: Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?
Erin: Guys. I know that a lot of people are mad at Andy and, believe me, I am too. But, he has been through a lot and we all used to love him, right? So, if he's gonna get in trouble, just let it be his fault not ours. I don't want that on my hands.
Dwight: Fine! The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway.
Andy: [appears approaching group, shaved and in a suit] What's going on in here, dirty players? Let's get back to busting some paper rhymes. Come on. [singing] Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Andy! [resumes talking] All right. Back to work.
Pam: OK, I can tell you're mad at me. Do you wanna just, um, I don't know, tell me why?
Jim: I don't know. I thought that was a little weird. You told me Brian got fired for the whole warehouse thing. And you intentionally left out a kind of major, intimate detail. I don't know, Pam, I guess I just feel like a chump. Who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy.
Pam: I didn't tell you about the crying because I didn't want you to know how upset I was. Because it would've stressed you out and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress.
Jim: Yeah, well. Yeah, OK. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you.
Pam: It's not Brian's fault.
Jim: No, you're right. And, and I'm not mad at Brian. And to be honest, I probably don't have any reason to be mad at all because I wasn't there. So, let's just forget about it.
Pam: OK.
Andy: I need you guys to tell me all the highlights from the last three months in case David asks. Just a few things I could sprinkle into conversation. Any big sales or office gossip.
Dwight: Well, we had the Scranton White Pages.
Andy: Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people. OK?
David Wallace: [enters] Hey guys.
Andy: Hey! David! How are ya? Ah, we were just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. Not gonna lie, I get as much out of it as they do.
David Wallace: Sounds great. Don't let me interrupt. What ever you guys have been doing this last quarter, I couldn't be happier with the numbers.
Andy: Thank you.
David Wallace: Well, finish up. I'm gonna meet with Val about that warehouse guy you had to let go and you and I will talk in 15 minutes?
Andy: Great!
David Wallace: [leaving] Great job, everybody!
Andy: [whispering] We had to let a warehouse guy go?!
Kevin: You know Pam's mural? Well, Frank...
Dwight: [interrupting] ' lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.
Andy: What?!
Dwight: Yeah.
Andy: There was a fire in the warehouse?
Dwight: The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.
Kevin: Whoa.
Andy: This is what I'm talking about! This would be good to know. All right, what else?
Phyllis: We started selling balloons.
Andy: What?!
Clark: Yeah. And, uh, Kathy Ireland signed on as the official spokes-babe of Dunder-Mifflin.
Andy: No kidding?
Clark: Yeah. In the European billboards, she's gonna be topless.
Andy: Wow. Go Kathy. She's like 50.
Clark: They're tasteful.
Andy: Good, good. What else?
Andy: Who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank god, right? We needed the income after the fire.
David Wallace: What fire?
Andy: The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? It's like burnt to ashes.
David Wallace: It looked fine to me.
Andy: [catches on to the ruse] I am speaking metaphorically, of course. You know I have lots of irons in quote-unquote fire. Well, that's one of them. You know, making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.
David Wallace: OK.
Andy: I think you'll agree I explained that pretty well.
David Wallace: [preparing to leave] Thanks, Andy.
Andy: Thank you.
David Wallace: All right. Everyone! [waves to office and exits]
Erin: [enters Andy's office to find him playing g��iro] Fish sounds great.
Andy: Yeah, I guess.
Erin: Really playing the scales, huh?
Andy: Yeah, it just sort of sounds like noise to me now. You think I need a new fish?
Erin: I don't love you anymore.
Andy: What?
Erin: I still like you, but you were gone a really long time. And, you didn't really email me all that much. You retweeted me, a lot to be fair. But I don't love you.
Andy: OK, I get it. You're unhappy. I've been gone a long time and we lost a little bit of juju. But, you and me, we have a future. There is a lot of love here.
Erin: I just said there isn't love.
Andy: On your side. But there's tons on my side. It's gushing. We're just out of sync right now. But that's just timing, it's timing. I mean, my parents lasted 38, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time.
Erin: I guess.
Andy: I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years? If we're lucky. I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun.
Erin: You got really sunburned.
Andy: I'm gonna be a prune in like, 3 years.
Erin: Ugh.
Andy: I know you may not be feeling love for me right now but, if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So, I'll feel good. And then, eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again.
Erin: You really think we can get that back?
Andy: Yes. [hugs Erin] Come on. Totally.
Jim: You know what? Maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight.
Pam: Oh?
Jim: Yeah. I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly and I'm sure you have stuff to do. So we can just... I don't know, drop me at the bus station?
Pam: Are you sure?
Jim: I just feel like we're gonna fight.
Pam: [obviously hurt] Yeah.
Jim: So... how 'bout let's not?
Pam: OK. [they begin to leave]
Jim: Oh, um. [pulls item from bag and hands to Pam] Happy Valentine's Day. Sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it.
Pam: [sees it's a drawing of hers, framed] Wow. I didn't know you kept this.
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: No problem.
Pam: I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think that you should stay and I think we should fight.
Jim: You really wanna fight on Valentine's Day?
Pam: Yeah, I do.
Jim: OK. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly.
Erin: Hi.
Pete: Hey, you OK?
Erin: I couldn't do it.
Pete: Oh.
Erin: I'm sorry.
Pete: Oh, you don't have to apologize. I just... I just want you to be happy. OK? [Erin smiles and kisses Pete]
Erin: [bursts into Andy's office] We're breaking up. And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months.
David Wallace: [on phone] Hey, Andy. It's David. Still here. What was that about three months?


David Wallace: ...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat!
Andy: I resent that. I, I never lied to you.
David: Really? [reading from phone] 'Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA.'
Andy: And all was good in Scranton PA that day.
David: 'By the way, Oscar says 'hi''
Andy: Oscar says 'hi' all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. 'Hi' 'Hello' 'Hola' You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say 'hi'?
David: Andy.
Andy: But you're calling me a liar.
David: Andy!
Andy: By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately.
David: Watch it Andy!
Andy: Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. [Reading from phone] 'Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick.' Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED!
David: My wife?
Andy: This has been a really tough time.
David: Yeah?
Andy: Yeah.
David: Has it?
Andy: Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard.
David: Shh.
Andy: It was like a security blan-
David: Andy.
Andy: #NAME?
David: Shh. I'm not gonna fire you.
Andy: You're not?
David: No.
Andy: That's awesome.
David: I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that.
Andy: David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it.
David: We are even...now. Understand? Got it?
Andy: Crystal.
David: You are on very- Hey, very thin ice.
Andy: Vanilla. [David looks confused] Vanilla Ice. It was a band.
Andy: Good morning.
Erin: Good morning.
Andy: And how are you on this fine- [chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed]
Andy: [Crying] Ok, we ready? [cut] Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.
Andy: [Moaning from office] Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh
Pam: He sounds like a wounded animal.
Stanley: Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her.
Phyllis: I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad.
Stanley: I'm the same way with horny people.
Pam: Ok. [Andy continues moaning]
Erin: Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.
Pam: [taking paper from Kevin] Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you.
Pam: Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. [laughs] I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.
Dwight: [on phone] No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do.
Dwight: [Jumps out from behind vending machine] I need you.
Angela: Ahh! Dwight!
Dwight: And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
Angela: What? What is it?
Dwight: It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs.
Angela: Dwight, that's awful.
Dwight: You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was 'poisoned' by Aunt Shirley.
Angela: What do you mean by 'poisoned'?
Dwight: Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.
Angela: Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt.
Dwight: Thank you.
Angela: But I don't see how this is my problem.
Dwight: Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-
Angela: Ugh.
Dwight: And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
Angela: Gah.
Dwight: There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.
Angela: It's fine.
Dwight: It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?
Angela: Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-
Dwight: It's a divet...
Angela: I'll help you!
Dwight: ..where it was and it needs, it needs a...
Angela: Ugh.
Andy: Where are you going?
Pam: Uh, not on a three month boat trip.
Andy: Wha? Oh, burn. [laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave.] Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?
Dwight: How dare you?
Andy: I'm still the boss!
Erin: I...
Andy: The answer is yes.
Erin: ..just have some messages for you.
Andy: Are they from you?
Erin: Well no, they're from clients.
Andy: Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it.
Erin: I can't. I-
Andy: Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing.
Erin: These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
Andy: I don't want to talk about work right now.
Erin: Well I only want to talk about work right now.
Andy: Then I want my big blue sweater back.
Erin: Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army.
Pete: I've got the seat adjusted right.
Clark: Perfect height, yeah.
Andy: She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?
Pete: I was just leaving.
Andy: Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.
Pete: I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Andy: Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?
Clark: Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now.
Andy: Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
Clark: There you go, good for you.
Andy: No.
Clark: You just let it all hang out, that's what...
Andy: May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. [Andy leaves]
Clark: I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.
Dwight: Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight.
Shirley: Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
Angela: Hello Aunt Shirley.
Shirley: Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch.
Dwight: This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!
Shirley: New clothes? What for? [Aunt Shirley's boob shows]
Dwight: OK
Angela: Oh, God.
Dwight: You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.
Angela: Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?
Shirley: How would you like a mean cold slap? [slaps Angela]
Angela: Ow!
Dwight: Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?
Shirley: I could do that.
Dwight: Ok.
Angela: No. No.
Dwight: Yeah, trust me.
Angela: No.
Dwight: It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.
Shirley: Step on it!
Andy: Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.
Phyllis: Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping.
Andy: I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen.
Oscar: You're clearly snooping.
Creed: That's kinda uncool, man.
Meredith: Ah, come on.
Phyllis: Andy!
Oscar: That's her private property.
Meredith: Tell us!
Andy: Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now?
Phyllis: What does that even mean?
Meredith: What's it say?
Phyllis: Put it down.
Andy: Everyone please, just-
Creed: It's not cool.
Phyllis: Put it down
Oscar: Andy. That is her private property.
Meredith: Boo.
Andy: Oh my god.
Stanley: Uh huh.
Phyllis: See?
Stanley: That's where nosey'll get you.
Phyllis: Told you so.
Andy: Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone.
Darryl: Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated.
Andy: Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?
Kevin: Pete...
Clark: Hmm.
Kevin: Pete what?
Pete: It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.
Pam: [whispers] hello!
Jim: Hey! There she is. [Pam laughs] How you doin?
Pam: Hi! Hey, do I look ok?
Jim: You look great.
Pam: Ok
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: [pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset] What's that? Is that a-
Jim: Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. [Pam laughs]
Isaac: Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door.
Pam: How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.
Isaac: It's a phone?
Pam: Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it.
Isaac: Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam.
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you.
Pam: Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me.
Jim: [touches headset] Call you right back. What were you saying?
Pam: Ha ha.
Athlead Coworker: Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line.
Jim: I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.[Pam laughs] OK, good luck!
Pam: Bye.
Angela: Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.
Dwight: In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.
Shirley: [coughs and laughs in her sleep]
Dwight: Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Angela: Spray her down?
Dwight: No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.
Pete: Hey.
Andy: Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted [reading computer screen] shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh?
Pete: Yeah. [long pause] You were gone.
Andy: I knew it!
Pete: For a long time, Andy.
Andy: You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!
Pete: Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.
Andy: No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!
Pete: What?
Andy: Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. [singing] So you had a bad day-
Pete: Andy?
Andy: ..The camera don't lie!
Pete: Andy.
Andy: You're being an idiot get..
Pete: I'm trying..
Andy: Out of my office, turns out you're fired...
Pete: Andy.
Andy: Because you suck.
Pete: You can't fire-
Andy: And you're fired...
Pete: If you want to talk to me
Andy: So you had a bad day...
Pete: I'll be in the annex.
Andy: Rut ti doh doh...
Pete: Alright? I'll be in the annex.
Andy: Rut tit doh doh...
Pete: Toby!
Andy: Rut ti doh doo doh
Pete: Toby?
Toby: You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?
Andy: No.
Toby: Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges.
Andy: Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.
Toby: Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin.
Andy: They already have a contract? [Reading] 'Mutually agree to-' Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.
Toby: It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it.
Andy: Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
Toby: I already signed it. I was just showing you.
Andy: Ok, well we'll see about that. [crumples paper]
Toby: Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. [Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out] It's the original.
Mark: ...[singing] talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey guys! Say something.
Pam: Hello.
Mark: Hi, I'm Mark.
Pam: Hi, Pam, hello.
Mark: I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the 'N' word in that movie. It's, it's too soon.
Pam: I'm Pam Halpert.
Mark: Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. [laughs] He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it?
Pam: Oh my god. He's Michael Scott.
Shirley: Time to get clean!
Dwight: It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.
Angela: You have to use chains?
Dwight: You'll see. Here we go.
Shirley: Let's get this show on the road.
Dwight: Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.
Angela: Dwight!
Dwight: Let's get to it.
Angela: No! No!
Dwight: Give it a whirl.
Angela: Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.
Shirley: Stop your belly-aching and hose me.
Dwight: I need you to hose my aunt.
Angela: No Dwight!
Dwight: OK you are useless.
Angela: No, Dwight!
Dwight: Give me the hose!
Angela: No Dwight, I won't- [hoses Dwight]
Dwight: Ahh! OK!
Angela: [grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?
Dwight: Yes ma'am.
Angela: Good.
Mark: This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok?
Toby: Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up.
Nellie: Um.
Toby: Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial...
Nellie: Oh no.
Toby: ...feel like I may have glossed over a few...
Nellie: No no no no.
Toby: ...minor points.
Nellie: No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.
Toby: I've been drafting a letter.
Nellie: For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it!
Mark: My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this...work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say 'Chillax' people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me.
Roger: No. I heard you.
Mark: Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! [laughs] Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers.
Pam: [Mouths] Oh my god.
Andy: Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.
Meredith: Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk...
Andy: Ugh.
Meredith: Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.
Phyllis: Come on Andy, they're a good match.
Andy: That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.
Darryl: Hey, Andy.
Andy: What?!
Darryl: You've got a booger bubble going on there.
Andy: [wipes nose] Sorry.
Darryl: It's ok.
Andy: My whole life is a booger bubble!
Mark: This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. [Pam laughs] From The Smurfs movie.
Pam: Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-
Mark: What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it.
Pam: Oh, cause it was upside down. [both laugh]
Mark: You're a good audience. [Pam laughs]
Pam: So um-
Mark: Unlike some of these people around here.
Pam: Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-
Mark: Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean...you think they like me, Pam?
Pam: Yes.
Mark: [gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute...You have children?
Pam: Two children, yes.
Mark: You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be.
Pete: Hey. You got a sec to talk?
Andy: Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood.
Pete: Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on.
Andy: Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now.
Erin: Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.
Andy: Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.
Pete: Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now.
Erin: See? We can all be friends!
Pete: Yeah.
Erin: Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward.
Pete: I do think we can have a fair...
Andy: Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun.
Mark: Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So...
Pam: I am not pr-
Mark: You're not.
Pam: Pregnant, no.
Mark: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.
Pam: Wow.
Mark: Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-
Pam: I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
Mark: It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again.
Pam: So, kinda like a receptionist.
Mark: Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?
Pam: Yes.
Mark: Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted.
Pam: I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't.
Shirley: Ow! The braid is too tight.
Angela: Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still.
Shirley: Yes ma'am.
Angela: I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.
Shirley: Ok.
Angela: There.
Shirley: Thank you Angela.
Toby: I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler.
Nellie: Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Darryl: Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name.
Toby: Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. [Toby leaves]
Nellie: He's doing it.
Pam: [on phone] hey!
Jim: Hey, how'd the interview go?
Pam: Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so-
Jim: I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in.
Pam: Eight? Really?
Jim: I'll make it worth your while, I promise.
Pam: Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight.
Jim: Alright, love you.
Pam: Love you.
Alice: Hi.
Erin: Hi.
Alice: I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Erin: Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk.
Alice: Ok, great. Thanks.
Meredith: Fresh meat! Fresh meat! [Making kissing noises]
Erin: Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way.
Alice: Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.
Erin: Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk.
Kevin: I'm Kevin.
Alice: Pete?
Pete: Alice. Oh man.
Alice: It's uh, been a while, huh?
Erin: What, do you two know each other?
Pete: Yeah. We uh, have a history.
Erin: Oh.
Alice: History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years.
Erin: That's so random.
Pete: Well. Is it?
Erin: Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. [runs to front office]
Creed: Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man.
Gabe: Hello beautiful.
Kevin: Didn't you two used to do it?
Gabe: We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
Creed: She's looking good.
Toby: Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb.
Toby: This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship.
Clark: So Pete was a librarian?
Alice: He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Clark: Was he like the sexy librarian?
Pete: Ok.
Alice: Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.
Andy: Hi.
Alice: Hi.
Andy: Hi, how's it going?
Alice: Hi. [laughs] Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-
Andy: Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?
Pete: Andy, that is really inappropriate.
Andy: Awkward.
Pete: It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived.
Andy: [high pitched] Really uncomfortable situation.
Pete: Yeah.
Andy: It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta 'move on'. Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. [leaves]
Alice: So there's no marketing department.
Clark: No.
Pete: No.
Gabe: You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin.
Erin: So Andy just called you up out of the blue?
Gabe: Yeah. He told me you two broke up.
Erin: Yeah.
Gabe: You must be pretty horny. [Erin shakes head no]
Nellie: well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? [Toby nods] One week? [Toby shakes head] Ok, two weeks? [Toby nods] Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn't that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave.
Shirley: I feel like a show pony.
Dwight: And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.
Angela: You're welcome. Would you like some stew?
Dwight: By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?
Angela: Mmhm.
Dwight: Would you like the stink sack?
Angela: Is it any good?
Dwight: No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.
Angela: Thank you. [both laugh]
Shirley: So, when's the wedding?
Angela: Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends.
Shirley: That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.
Pam: Hello?
Jim: Hey! Back here.
Pam: Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne?
Jim: Si, senor.
Pam: Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job.
Jim: Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?
Pam: Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate.
Jim: Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.
Pam: [laughs] You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.
Jim: Alright. So, tell me all about it.
Dwight: Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.
Angela: It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. [They shake hands. Then kiss] Dwight, Dwight.
Dwight: Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse.
Angela: No, Dwight. The Senator.
Dwight: Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey.
Angela: I can't be your monkey, Dwight.
Dwight: I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.
Angela: I made a vow. I gave my word.
Dwight: Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine.
Angela: Good night, D.
Erin: How are you doing? Is it really rough?
Pete: It is so unpleasant. You?
Andy: Hey, love turds. Conference room, now.
Andy: Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day?
Gabe: Honestly, it was a little weird.
Andy: Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?
Gabe: I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we're still in a relationship-
Erin: Gabe!
Gabe: ...a lot of the time.
Andy: And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch.
Pete: Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy.
Alice: Ok, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.
Pete: It was college. That is what you do.
Alice: Yeah you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that.
Erin: Hey, Andy, is this at all work related?
Andy: We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?
Gabe: [laughs] Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.
Erin: Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.
Gabe: I got a tattoo for you.
Erin: I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!
Gabe: Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.
Alice: So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
Pete: She's nice to me.
Alice: How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Erin: Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's-
Gabe: I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Pete: Oh my god.
Gabe: What kind of music are you into, Peter?
Pete: Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Gabe: Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Pete: No!
Gabe: Erin, are you even hearing this?
Erin: He didn't even say that.
Alice: He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can't even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else?
Gabe: Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night.
Erin: Gabe, I don't-
Gabe: Give me one night with you...
Erin: What is that supposed to mean?
Gabe: I have shaved everything...
Erin: I don't want you to shave everything.
Alice: I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?!
Pete: I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. [Erin and Gabe argue in background]
Gabe: I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues]
Pete: Why don't you say in the beginning: 'This isn't really going that well'
Gabe: Shove his sashimi!
Erin: What do you-!
Alice: Because I had to wait- [all argue]
Andy: Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? [Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background] Yeah. Yeah, it does.
Pam: So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.
Jim: Tell me about the cologne. How much?
Pam: Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least.
Jim: You're definitely hoarding this by the way.
Pam: Guess what poster he had on his wall?
Jim: Austin Powers.
Pam: MmMm.
Jim: Ferris Bueller.
Pam: MmMm. You're getting colder.
Jim: Not Night at the Roxbury.
Pam: [laughs] No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
Jim: I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?
Pam: I don't know, but it's interesting right?
Jim: It's fascinating.
Pam: He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.
Jim: That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right?
Pam: Mmhm.
Jim: So, next interview has to be better.
Pam: I don't know.
Jim: What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing.
Pam: I know. It's just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I want, um, I don't know if I want this.
Jim: [long pause] Huh. This is a little out of left field.
Pam: Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton.
Jim: And I have started a business in Philadelphia. [Pam shrugs]
Oscar's Computer: My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment.
Oscar: You could all be doing this, just saying.
Oscar: I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.
Stanley: Why can't you just do regular sit-ups?
Oscar: I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that's how you win. Alright [tries to pull himself up] Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy?
Kevin: Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now?
Oscar: Can someone please help me?
Phyllis: Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please? [Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis]
Oscar: Just- People! I'm not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again and when that happens I'll be able to- Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? [Kevin shuts door] I- Hey! I'm not going anywhere! I'll be right here! Oh that's not good. [Oscars computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office.] Hey guys! I've got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza?