Dwight: [cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone keeps ringing] Hello?
Jim: [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.
Dwight: Hello? Hello?
Jim: Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second...
Dwight: Jim, what are you doing?
Jim: And how many would you like?
Dwight: Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha-
Jim: Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately.
Dwight: [into Jim's headset] This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!
Jim: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.
Dwight: [cell phone rings] K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail.
Jim: [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.
Pam: Hey, is this Dwight?
Jim: Yes it is.
Pam: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.
Jim: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.
Dwight: Woah, woah, woah, Pam!
Pam: Have you?
Dwight: Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.
Pam: Dwight?
Dwight: No! [waves arms] Pam, I'm over here!
Pam: I'm confused...
Dwight: Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.
Jim: Can't do that. Unsanitary.
Dwight: Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. [presses buttons on his cell phone] Done.
Jim: [office phone rings at Jim's desk] This is Dwight.
Jim: Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine.
Jim: Oh, hello Mater. Good news: I've married. Tell Fater. [hangs up] Such a nice woman.
Dwight: [slams cell phone on desk] Argh! Ahh!!
Michael: Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.
Toby: Morning.
Michael: Mornin'. [to camera] So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... [watch beeps]
Toby: Good morning, Kelly.
Kelly: I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel?
Toby: Fine. Good.
Kelly: I feel weird.
Michael: First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party.
Angela: We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby.
Michael: Okay.
Angela: But so far we only have two pictures of him.
Michael: Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets...
Pam: Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans' funeral?
Michael: If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?
Angela: Michael...
Michael: Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga-
Angela: No. You know-no!
Michael: Toga!
Angela: You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides... although Toby won't be in them.
Michael: I thought that you might say that. [takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe]
Michael: Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. 'Michael, buy a motorcycle.' So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.
Michael: I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around.
Pam: So how much antigravity potion do you want?
Angela: No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating.
Michael: Phyllis, can you do this?
Phyllis: [whispers] Yes.
Pam: Hi, can I help you?
Holly: Hi. Yes, uh, I'm Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson?
Toby: As part of my last day I'm training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day.
Toby: So this is H.R. This is your desk.
Holly: I love the view.
Toby: Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
Pam: Hey. [kisses Jim on cheek]
Jim: Hey... What?
Pam: Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design.
Jim: No way! What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. Congratulations!
Pam: Oh, thank you! I don't know why I doubted it, because I'm so clearly awesome!
Jim: Yes! So when do you start?
Pam: I don't know, I didn't read it carefully, I just saw 'congratulations' and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack.
Jim: Wow. Busy morning.
Pam: So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months...
Jim: It's not a big deal. I'll come visit you. And you'll visit me. It's only two hours away. It'll be fine. That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great.
Pam: Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great.
Jim: See how easy that is?
Pam: Ohh... [they hug; she laughs]
Pam: I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing's perfect... And that is the first time I've ever used the word 'perfect' in here!
Toby: Hey, Stanley...
Stanley: Hmm?
Toby: I want to introduce you to...
Michael: [watching from his office] Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow.
Dwight: So what do we know about her?
Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight: I hate her too.
Michael: Why do you hate her?
Dwight: Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head.
Michael: You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael: Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?
Dwight: What?
Michael: We need to sell her an elevator pass.
Dwight: But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa... [gasps]
Michael: Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.
Phyllis: Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines?
Woman over speakerphone: Antigravity machines?
Phyllis: That's right. Yeah.
Woman over speakerphone: What do they do exactly?
Phyllis: They make you feel lighter...
Woman over speakerphone: Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that.
Phyllis: Okay.
Michael: [knock on door] Yeah.
Toby: Hey Michael.
Michael: Oh, hey, do you still work here?
Toby: I'd like to introduce you to my replacement.
Michael: Nah.
Toby: Come on.
Michael: No. I think I will pass.
Toby: Michael Scott, this is Holly.
Holly: Hi.
Michael: Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm gonna win.
Holly: Man, someone doesn't like H.R.
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: [to Toby] What did you do to him?
Toby: Nothing.
Michael: T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness.
Holly: Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I'll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott.
Michael: Y-You can-Michael.
Michael: Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.
Creed: [shaking Holly's hand] The pleasure's all mine.
Holly: Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.
Creed: Any time.
Holly: What do you do here?
Creed: ...Excuse me.
Creed: What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. 'What do I do?'... Really, what do I do here? I should've written it down. 'Qua' something, uh... qua... quar... quibo, qual...quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close.
Dwight: [whispering] Have you been introduced to Kevin?
Holly: No. Which one's Kevin? [they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle]
Dwight: He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain.
Holly: Oh. Good for you guys.
Dwight: Yeah.
Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Dwight: Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. [accountants mumble hellos]
Holly: Hello. Hello. [to Kevin] Hi.
Kevin: Hi.
Holly: What do you do?
Kevin: I do the numbers.
Holly: Oh, good for you.
Kevin: Do you want a M&M?
Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though.
Kevin: Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Holly: Well that is a very safe place for them.
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram?
Holly: Oh... [laughs along] Nice, I've never heard that one before actually.
Michael: I bet.
Holly: That's good.
Michael: I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?
Holly: No, no, I...
Michael: Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?
Holly: Ooh, uh...
Michael: You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?
Holly: Um... Y-yeah. Okay.
Michael: All right.
Holly: Thanks.
Michael: Yep.
Holly: Great.
Pam: Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica.
Toby: You're-you're not in it.
Pam: Well I was taking the picture.
Toby: I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica.
Pam: Sure, do you have a camera here?
Toby: No, uh... [shouts] Does anyone have a camera here? [no one answers him] No one has a camera here. Uh...
Pam: Okay...
Toby: I'm gonna... I'll go get one. Stay. [runs out of the office]
Jim: [on the phone] So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it's big. It is really big.
Ryan: Congratulations!
Jim: Thanks.
Ryan: Don't interrupt.
Jim: I just-
Ryan: Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?
Jim: No, I didn't. I just logged it in right here, so...
Ryan: All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website.
Jim: All right, well it already went through, so...
Ryan: Don't worry about that. Just re-log it. [hangs up]
Jim: Hello?
Michael: [listening to 'Crash Into Me' on his computer] Hmm... Jim? [Jim comes into his office] I am downloading some N3P...
Jim: That's not it.
Michael: Music...
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: For a CD mix tape...
Jim: Close.
Michael: For Holly.
Jim: Mmhmm.
Michael: And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
Jim: What are the two levels?
Michael: The two levels being, uh, 'Welcome to Scranton'...
Jim: Mmhmm.
Michael: And 'I... love you.'
Jim: Okay. Let's start with the 'I love you' level.
Michael: Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?
Jim: Yes. You don't love Holly.
Michael: I think I do.
Jim: But you just met her.
Michael: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.
Jim: Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that.
Michael: Well, you're not a romantic.
Jim: Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance.
Michael: Oh really?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Like, with who?
Jim: We've been through this.
Michael: Pam?
Jim: Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow.
Michael: Yeah, you took it too slow.
Jim: Well, we're really happy.
Michael: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
Jim: And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her.
Michael: I don't want her to get away.
Jim: I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work.
Jim: I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think?
Phyllis: Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't...
Jim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party.
Phyllis: Why would you do that?
Jim: Because I'm gonna miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here ya go. [hands her an envelope with money in it]
Phyllis: Really?
Jim: Well we all want a good party, right?
Jim: I'm going to propose tonight. Holy crap!
Holly: Hey Kevin.
Kevin: Hi.
Holly: Do you need some help?
Kevin: I can't decide what to get.
Holly: Well, what do you like to eat?
Kevin: Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips.
Holly: Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? [looks at the change in his hand] Okay, let's see... fifty... Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row.
Kevin: Hmm...
Kevin: I'm totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me.
Jim: [on phone, leaving a message] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don't think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [hangs up and exhales sharply]
Holly: [tool clicking] Damn it!
Michael: Hello, Holly. [Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces] Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually.
Holly: Oh, I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and... that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that... is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? You know, I'm gonna sell the movie rights.
Michael: And the sequel, 'Woman Stands at Desk and Works.' So, I have no idea how you, [he sits on the floor] how you sit like that.
Holly: Yoga.
Michael: [as Yoda] Sit on floor and put together chair we will. [laughs nervously] Yo-da. Um...
Holly: [as Yoda] Pass curvy metal piece, you will.
Michael: So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town.
Holly: Ohh, so you can't make my orgy? Kidding!
Michael: Kidding. [overdramatically] Acting!
Holly: [overdramatically] Acting!
Michael: [overdramatically] Acting!
Holly: [laughs] Lovitz.
Michael: Yeah.
Michael: I did it! [exhales]
Jim: What'd you do?
Michael: I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.
Jim: Wow. Okay, so how'd that feel?
Michael: It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.
Jim: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't.
Michael: Whew, oh God. [inhales] Laying a base. Laying a base...
Jim: There you go. There's plenty of base-laying left, right?... Hey. Hey!
Michael: [giddy] Yeah...
Phyllis: Hello Angela.
Angela: Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack.
Phyllis: Can I get a list of your vendors?
Angela: I shredded it.
Phyllis: Why would you do that?
Angela: Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think?
Phyllis: [knocks files off desk] Sorry.
Toby: [Michael and Holly are still working on the chair] What'd you guys do?
Michael: Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party?
Toby: Well, we still have to do the exit interview.
Michael: Yes we do.
Michael: I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'.
Toby: [Michael hands him a present] Wow, thanks, Michael, I...
Michael: Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.
Holly: [enters conference room] Hello.
Michael: Hey! Hi, good to see you.
Holly: You too.
Michael: I'm just having a little exit interview.
Holly: Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here.
Michael: Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?
Holly: No, no, I'll look at it later. It's part of my job.
Michael: Okay.
Pam: [enters conference room] Did you need me to take notes?
Toby: Hi Pam. Stay.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. [takes out note cards] I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are?
Toby: I'm Toby.
Michael: Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?
Holly: Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?
Michael: Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see.
Holly: Here you go.
Michael: Thank you. [reads] What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?
Toby: This place, um...
Michael: Well, no no no no no...
Toby: I've got some ideas, I guess...
Michael: No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud.
Holly: Oh, I'd like to hear the answer.
Toby: Well let me see... I would, uh...
Michael: [hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby] I'll kill you.
Toby: I guess everything's okay.
Toby: I made it this far, right? What's the point?
Pam: Toby, why don't you open your present?
Michael: Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which...
Toby: [unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads] 'Suck on this.'
Michael: What the hell is that?
Pam: Michael...
Michael: That's... What do you mean, 'Michael'? That's not even my handwriting. [exits conference room] Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!
Dwight: You did.
Michael: No!
Dwight: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- [Michael slams conference room door in his face]
Michael: Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby.
Pam: So what is your gift?
Michael: My gift is forthcoming, Pam.
Pam: What is it?
Michael: I am going to give Toby...
Pam: Your watch?
Michael: ...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?
Pam: I just knew.
Michael: How did you know?
Holly: Oh that is so sweet.
Michael: Well... That's my watch.
Toby: Thanks, I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time.
Michael: Hey, that's good.
Creed: [from outside the conference room] Hey, it's the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! [Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room] Hey! It's the temp! Look! [everyone is crowded around Jim's computer]
Dwight: Oh my gosh.
Creed: It's the temp! [all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen]
Pam: Is that the police?
Dwight: Yes.
Creed: Mm-hmm.
Oscar: Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as 'misleading the shareholders.' Another good term is 'fraud.' The real crime, I think, was the beard.
Michael: [still watching video of Ryan] Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God.
Kelly: I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, 'Hi Ryan.' And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, 'Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison.'
Jim: Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?
Pam: Absolutely. [dials and hands Jim receiver]
Jim: [clears throat] Right to voicemail. [into phone] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! [hangs up]
Holly: What's protocol on this?
Toby: I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn't- [Holly knocks on Michael's door]
Holly: Michael, are you okay?
Michael: [voice straining] I'm just worried about my friend.
Holly: Oh, of course you are.
Michael: Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run.
Holly: No, hey.
Michael: I'm cool.
Holly: Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He's your friend. You know what I usually find?...
Michael: Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.
Kevin: [everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot] Woah! Cool! A bouncy house!
Phyllis: Kevin, take your shoes off first!
Michael: No antigravity machine, huh?
Phyllis: Sorry, Michael, I don't think they're real.
Michael: Ferris wheel's pretty cool though.
Pam: Wow. Look at our parking lot.
Jim: Yeah, who'd have thought? [Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles]
Pam: Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not... Is he?
Holly: Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up.
Michael: That's what she... a lot of places are like that.
Holly: I think it's really cool you hired Kevin.
Michael: Thanks.
Dwight: You have it?
Meredith: Almost. [she unlocks Holly's car]
Dwight: Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Mose carries a raccoon in a cage] Put it in. [he puts the raccoon in the car]
Michael: I like, uh...
Holly: That-That's my car.
Michael: Hey. What are you doing?
Dwight: [Mose drops cage and runs] Mose!
Michael: What the hell is going on here?!
Dwight: N-nothing you need to know the details of.
Michael: There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!
Dwight: N-no there's not.
Michael: Why did you do that?
Dwight: It was playful hazing.
Michael: No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. [to Dwight] Take care of that, all right?
Dwight: It's not rabid.
Michael: Shh...
Meredith: Thanks for bringing that up.
Dwight: Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out.
Michael: I'm really sorry.
Holly: Michael, thank you so much for saying that. [puts a hand on his arm] I feel so welcome here.
Michael: Yeah...
Holly: I just... Um, excuse me.
Michael: Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! [giggles]
Vance Refrigeration guy: Hey Mrs. Vance, we're all out!
Phyllis: Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. [Kevin nods] Okay.
Holly: Cool! You drive your own car?
Kevin: Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?
Holly: Yep. Just like you.
Kevin: Okay, bye.
Holly: Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you.
Michael: [on microphone] Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. [applause] You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh?
Pam: [everyone applauds] Yay, Phyllis!
Michael: Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? [cheers and applause] But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.
Pam: Song parody writer.
Michael: I have done things like um, 'Beers in Heaven.'
Jim: Classic.
Michael: Or, 'Total Eclipse of the Fart.'
Jim: Not my favorite, but...
Pam: I like that one.
Jim: It's not my favorite...
Pam: I like that one.
Michael: I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. [to band] Do you know, um, 'Goodbye Stranger'? Supertramp?
Darryl: Yeah. [music starts]
Michael: [sings] It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on.
Pam: I'm gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office.
Michael: [singing] Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise...
Pam: Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute.
Michael: [singing, screaming into the mic] Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!
Holly: Not bad.
Michael: Oh, hey. Thanks.
Holly: Someday I would love to hear 'Beers in Heaven.'
Michael: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Kevin. [answers] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.
Kevin: Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here.
Michael: Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back.
Kevin: No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there's something that you need to see.
Michael: What is it?
Kevin: Just hurry. [hangs up]
Holly: Is he okay?
Michael: Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me.
Holly: Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket... it's a big day for him.
Michael: Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? [Holly freezes; Michael laughs] No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back.
Jan: Well it was good to see you.
Kevin: It was great to see you, Jan.
Jan: Yeah, so...
Michael: O-kay. Hello Jan.
Jan: Hello... Michael.
Michael: Wow, Kevin, really? We're- [to Jan] Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. [to Kevin] Is this why you called me down here?
Kevin: Yeah, Michael, I just uh...
Jan: I...
Kevin: I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: Thanks, Kevin. Um... [Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly]
Michael: Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! [Jan laughs] Are you nauseous?
Jan: No.
Michael: Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you?
Jan: Uh, no.
Michael: Good. Good. Thank God.
Jan: I didn't...
Michael: Cause that's...
Jan: ... touch that.
Michael: Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy...
Jan: Why?
Michael: Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very...
Jan: Yeah, it did...
Michael: ... proud.
Jan: ... happen when...
Michael: Um...
Jan: ... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad.
Michael: You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?
Jan: ...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not.
Michael: Well, okay...
Jan: Yeah.
Michael: So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so...
Jan: I went to a sperm bank.
Michael: You did?
Jan: Yuh-huh.
Michael: When we were going out?
Jan: Uh, yeah.
Michael: W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms.
Jan: I know.
Michael: You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm?
Jan: No, no no... it's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really... this is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It's... and it's-in fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.
Michael: IHop.
Jan: IHop.
Jan: If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.
Jan: Oh, that's really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table.
Michael: I'm glad you told me.
Jan: Look, I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um... you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner...
Michael: Um, I'll... I have to think about it.
Jan: Okay.
Michael: My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.
Pam: Oh look, they're starting. [all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl's band plays soft music]
Angela: [to Phyllis] Well, I hope you had fun today, because you're never ever throwing a party again.
Jim: [gets engagement ring from his pocket] Hey...
Andy: [on microphone] Can I have your attention please? [music stops] I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off... My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? [Angela shakes her head 'no'] Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. [knocks over Darryl's keyboard]
Darryl: Unh! Damn it!
Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor... of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? [shows her a ring]
Angela: ...Okay.
Andy: Into the mic, sweetie.
Angela: I said, okay.
Andy: She said yes! [light applause] And the crowd goes wild! Woo! [music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply]
Andy: I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything... it was right.
Kelly: Can I be your bridesmaid?
Angela: No.
Dwight: Well... it's my own fault.
Andy: Tuna! [hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound] I'm engaged!
Jim: I know. That's awesome, man. That's great.
Andy: Mr. Andrew Bernard... it's got a nice ring to it.
Toby: Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don't have a picture of the two of us.
Pam: Oh, yeah, um...
Toby: Yeah, could we...
Pam: Sure. Meredith, do you mind?
Toby: [hands Meredith his camera] This one right here.
Meredith: Okay. One two three- [takes picture] Oh let's do it again. Pam your smile is weird.
Toby: It's digital, so just take as many as you want.
Meredith: One, two three- [takes picture] One, two, three- [takes picture]
Pam: I don't know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight...
Holly: Hey there.
Michael: Hey.
Holly: So you missed something really big.
Michael: Yeah?
Holly: Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants.
Michael: Oh, wow.
Holy: I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but...
Michael: Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. [they chuckle] Oh...
Holly: So... You know, somehow after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or...
Michael: Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there.
Holly: Okay.
Kevin: I'll go to the diner with you.
Holly: Oh that would be great.
Kevin: Yeah, we can go eat pie.
Holly: I love pie.
Kevin: Me too.
Holly: Okay.
Michael: Have a good night.
Holly: Okay. Good night.
Michael: Bye.
Holly: Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. [Kevin is waiting in the car] I gotta buckle him in.
Michael: Well this is it. I am here to see you off.
Toby: Thanks... [Hank is standing next to Michael] Really, Michael?
Michael: Sorry. Corporate policy.
Toby: It's not.
Michael: You might take something.
Hank: I don't think he's gonna take anything.
Michael: Okay, security guard.
Toby: [watch that Michael gave him beeps] Oh, some kind of... alarm.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: [on phone, leaving a message] Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. [hangs up] I am going to be... kind of a daddy.
Phyllis: Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high. [gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out]
Angela: [sees Phyllis; gasps] Oh my God!
Dwight: What? [turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands]
Toby: This is Jim Halpert...
Jim: Hi.
Toby: And Pam Beesly.
Holly: Oh, Pam! Toby says such nice things about you.
Pam: [to Toby] Thank you!
Jim: He didn't mention me, did he?
Holly: Oh, no, he said you were a really good salesman.
Jim: Thanks, Toby.
Toby: You're welcome.
Jim: I've always gotten along well with Toby. Uh, we're friends. But I don't think we'll stay in touch necessarily. I think I'll probably get updates on him from Pam.
Holly: Oh, I think that makes us neighbors.
Meredith: It's a couple streets over.
Holly: Oh, maybe you can show me some of the fun hangouts, and where to get my nails done.
Meredith: Sure! That sounds fun!
Holly: Great.
Meredith: I hate that bitch. I wanna cut her face. [Dwight walks by and hears]
Dwight: Stop! Don't look at me. On the counter you will find bread, peanut butter, and jelly. Pretend to make yourself a sandwich.
Meredith: Pretend? Or really make one?
Dwight: Really make one.
Meredith: Make your own [bleep]in' sandwich.
Dwight: Will you please? Make a sandwich. Now, according to my sources, you have an issue with the new H.R. woman. Well, so do I. And so does our secret benefactor. That's too much peanut butter. What I propose is a good old-fashioned hazing, and I need your help. If you choose to accept this mission...Wipe the knife off before you stick it in the jelly. Have you ever made a sandwich before? Dammit, Meredith!
Phyllis: [on phone] Well, who can do a party of this size? But you're in the business, you must surely know of some other businesses. Okay, well, I JUST WANT A DAMN DANCE FLOOR! Sorry. So sorry, I shouldn't have sworn, I'm so sorry. Um, thanks for your time. [knock on door] What? Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'what' like that, it was really rude.
Jim: Scared me. How's the party planning going?
Phyllis: Jim, I am so f[bleep]ed.
Jim: So it's going great, sounds like.
Phyllis: I don't know, I'm not used to the stress.
Phyllis: When I was growing up, my mom said, 'the sky's the limit.' I could do anything. Be a teacher's aide, nurse's assistant, some kind of volunteer. But now, I, I'm not so sure.
Toby: This is a picture I've been carrying around in my wallet for about six years. It's this unspoiled beach in Costa Rica, Playa Grande. Um, I take it out when I get stressed or depressed, and it really calms me down. Never thought I'd get to live here, you know. But it turns out they built these great new condos there, so, this could be me, right around, uh, where the trees used to be.
Toby: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Toby: Hey.
Pam: Did you just buy that?
Toby: Yeah, I guess it will be my, uh, thing in Costa Rica, be a nature photographer.
Jim: That's cool.
Toby: Yeah. Um, you mind if I get a picture?
Jim: Sure!
Toby: Think you could...[wants to hand the camera to Jim, but Jim is starting to snuggle up with Pam, posing. Toby aims the camera, the flash pops up] Okay. [takes picture] Okay.
Jim: Good one? [Toby puts on the lens cover and scurries away awkwardly] That's a cool camera.
Jim: Okay, this is the second time in two days that the website isn't working. Do you guys know anything about it?
Dwight: The website is hiding, forming alliances with other sites, preparing an attack for which we will have no defense.
Jim: Do you honestly believe that?
Dwight: Yes, I do.
Jim: I'm gonna get a second opinion.
Andy: It was down for a couple hours yesterday, then back up, and now I've heard from a very reliable source that it is once again out of commission. And that reliable source is you.
Jim: Okay, you could just say you don't know what's going on.
Andy: Um, I do, 'cause I just told you.
Jim: Is Ryan gonna fire me? I don't know. I know that I've done everything I can, and I just brought in a huge sale, and... am I insane, or was this kid a temp two years ago? Because in the three years that he's been here, I think all he's ever done is start a fire and grow a beard. And it's not even a good beard.
Troy: Troy Undercook, for Michael.
Pam: Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't see you come in.
Dwight: Troy! What are you doing here?
Troy: Just filling in for Ryan, as a favor.
Dwight: Where is Ryan?
Troy: He had an urgent matter in New York.
Dwight: Welcome to our land.
Pam: Dwight. [to Troy] Michael will be out in a second.
Dwight: Can I get you a tankard of mead?
Jim: Hey, Troy, can you do me a huge favor? Next time you see Ryan, can you tell him to check his messages? That'd be great.
Troy: If I see him, I'll tell him.
Jim: Why wouldn't you see him? You work for him.
Troy: I report to Wallace now.
Jim: Okay, what's going on?
Dwight: Looks serious.
Someone: What's a...
Michael: Oh, my God.
Dwight: Troy, do you know anything about this?
Troy: Maybe I do.
Dwight: Maybe I do. Enough of your magical riddles!
Phyllis: And if the food stations are here and here... no! Here and here. Drinks here, then people can mingle. But then where would the band go?
Bob Vance: Mmm. Well, what about there?
Phyllis: Mmm, no Bob, I don't know.
Phyllis: It's times like these, I wish my mother were with me right now. She'd show me what to do. That's stupid; she's not here. [looks at watch] She's at water aerobics for the next forty-five minutes.
Stanley: Why don't we eat more corn dogs? They're delicious.
Oscar: Totally, they're the best.
Stanley: Corn dogs should be the standard. Corn dogs should be called hot dogs, and hot dogs should be called bad dogs.
Oscar: Why don't we make corn burgers?
Stanley: [chuckling] What a messed up world.
Oscar: Seriously, do you like my idea? Corn burgers.
Angela: I need you to make an announcement that this party is a disaster.
Andy: But I don't think it's a disaster. I think it's fun, and I like the food.
Angela: Deep fried Twinkies? It's gross!
Andy: Is that what that is?
Angela: Yes.
Andy: You know what, I didn't try those. [reaches for one] I could try this. Augh! Fried Twinkies, you kidding me? Starting to wonder about the food in this place [takes a bite]. Oh, God! That is so good.
Stanley: When I had my colitis, Toby was very helpful. He gave me seven weeks off. When I had my acid reflux, Toby was not as helpful. So I'm mixed on Toby.
Michael: Toby Flenderson, come on up here.
Toby: Uh, no, that's okay.
Michael: Come on, no, no, no.
Co-workers: Toby! Come on, Toby!
Michael: Toby!
Co-workers: Toby! Toby! Toby!
Toby: Okay, okay, I'm going.
Michael: Toby has written a fantastic speech for you, he spent a year on it. It's very funny and charming and heartwarming. And it rhymes, and if it's not any good, he has instructed us all to storm the stage and beat him to a bloody pulp. [laughs] No! So, take it away, Toby! Whoo!
Toby: Well, uh, okay. Um. It's really great to be here tonight, with the Ferris wheel, the band, and the low sunlight. I'm gonna miss you all when I go to Costa Rica, and if I keep drinking beer like this, I'm gonna have to take a leak-a. [laughter from audience, Michael looks at camera unhappily] Look, on a more personal note, I just want to say thanks, you know, no matter what was going on in my life, you know, my divorce, or the custody battle, or that thing with my sister, it was just nice knowing I had a, a supportive place to come to where...
Michael: Ach, [to Darryl quietly] okay, okay, play the cutoff music.
Darryl: No.
Toby: I'm gonna really miss going to beers with you guys every Tuesday night [Pam holds up soda in salute, Meredith yells 'yeah!', Michael looks at camera] and lastly, I'd love to urge you to keep up with my fight to have the building checked for radon gas. You know, it's a, it's a real serious matter, and every time I try to have the, uh...
Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Toby: ...building looked into...
Michael: ...blah, blah, overstaying your welcome! Let's keep it moving! Let's keep it moving! Toby, everybody!
Creed: I gave Toby my buddy Jorge's number in Costa. He'll hook Toby up with everything: cable TV, women, oh, and this amazing coffee to snort.


Michael: All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up. [cheering]
Dwight: From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.
Michael: This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.
Meredith: What should we do with all these leftovers?
Stanley: I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
Dwight: No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.
Creed: I can bring these to my shelter.
Stanley: I'm taking my dumplings.
Dwight: [sprays food with bug poison] There. Take those home to your wife.
Michael: Dwight, Dwight!
Dwight: Michael, it's time.
Dwight: Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up.
Darryl: Don't go breaking my scale.
Andy: I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.
Holly: Ex-squeeze me.
Michael: No, I will ex-squeeze you.
Michael: OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Dwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim: [smiles, looks to Michael] Really, nothing?
Darryl: 2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control.
Dwight: Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Michael: Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.
Dwight: Family only.
Darryl: All right, got it. 2,210 pounds.
Kevin: Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?
Holly: Almost, Kevin.
Pam: Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not - not close to 200...
Holly: Math is hard.
Kevin: Yeah.
Pam: Just, we'll just keep going.
Andy: I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Oscar: All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.
Andy: Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Oscar: OK. [holds elevator] Stanley, come on.
Stanley: Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there. [takes the stairs after the elevator doors close]
Stanley: I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. [holds up old photo] Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.
Holly: And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head. [Michael and Holly face each other in yoga pose]
Michael: Jimbo.
Jim: Ah, they moved the shower.
Michael: Did you see Holly's butt?
Jim: No, I didn't. [Michael laughs] You know why?
Michael: Why?
Jim: Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.
Michael: I know.
Jim: But what have you learned about her?
Michael: I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read 'Lonesome Dove' three times.
Jim: Nice.
Michael: And that her butt refuses to quit!
Jim: Well, I tried. [Michael laughs]
Michael: [follows Jim into bathroom] You have to agree with me. [follows Jim back out] That's insane.
Jim: I'll just go later.
Michael: I thought you had to pee.
Dwight: [forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks]
Oscar: Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City.
Holly: Oh, thanks. I should check that out.
Oscar: Also - and no pressure - the teacher? He's a catch.
Holly: Actually, I'm a lesbian.
Oscar: I'm gay!
Holly: I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke.
Oscar: What's the joke?
Holly: There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women.
Oscar: Oh, you think it's a choice?
Holly: Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just-
Oscar: I'm messing with you, Holly.
Holly: I knew that. OK, bye.
Oscar: OK.
Jim: So you have the directions.
Pam: Yes.
Jim: You have a toothbrush.
Pam: Yes.
Jim: You have a cell phone charger.
Pam: I have everything.
Pam: Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. [does hand gesture] What up, 212?
Dwight: Fax this for me.
Jim: Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Dwight: It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. [to Pam] If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.
Andy: Ang. Ela. [sings] Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay-
Angela: What?
Andy: Hey, check it out. [hands her brochure] This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.
Andy: Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.
Angela: No. No.
Andy: This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
Angela: I don't care.
Andy: OK. How do you feel about Maine? [Angela picks up phone and dials] I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. [Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out]
Dwight: [exiting warehouse storage room] Ahh. We done good in there, half pint.
Angela: Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.
Dwight: Monkey. [kisses her]
Angela: No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!
Michael: [sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office] Hey, hey! [falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again] Pam, Pam! Hey!
Jim: What happened?
Michael: [frazzled and out of breath] I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
Pam: I should really get going.
Michael: No. OK. Um, the last word is 'seagulls.'
Pam: I'm sure it was really lovely.
Michael: I took a lot from other poems.
Jim: Call me when you get in. [kisses Pam]
Pam: OK, bye.
Jim: Bye.
Michael: All right, call- [leans in to kiss Pam]
Pam: No, Michael.
Jim: Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um - well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here...
Michael: OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week.
Angela: It doesn't matter, Michael.
Michael: Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go.
Holly: Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Michael: All right.
Darryl: OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds.
Michael: All right!
Jim: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.
Michael: [rapping] I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!
Holly: Wikka wikka wikka what?
Ronnie: Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie.
Jim: I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her.
Professor: Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. [laughter] Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media.
Pam: I'm in the wrong class...
Professor: Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. [sees Pam leaving] And looks like I'm boring someone already.
Pam: Oh, no. I just-
Professor: Please sit down.
Holly: You're shaking. Are you all right?
Kelly: Just leave me alone!
Kelly: [sickly] I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing.
Ronnie: Hi, can I help you?
Jan: I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.
Kevin: Hi Jan.
Jan: Hi.
Kevin: How's the candle game?
Jan: Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?
Kevin: Cool. Thank God they found her, too.
Jan: Oh, they found her?
Michael: Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. [to Jan] Come on. Let's go in.
Jim: When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.
Holly: Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?
Jan: That's his ex.
Holly: Oh, she's very beautiful.
Oscar: Yes, she is. And clinically insane.
Holly: So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.
Oscar: OK.
Angela: Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Holly: No! You do not talk to him like that!
Angela: But he's an idiot!
Kevin: Hey!
Holly: He is not an idiot!
Kevin: Thank you, Holly.
Holly: He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Kevin: Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?
Holly: Well, no. Dwight...
Angela: Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.
Holly: I'm sorry.
Andy: Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.
Angela: Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.
Angela: [walking into storage room] Hurry, we have to make this fast.
Dwight: Let's do this thing.
Angela: [Dwight slaps her butt] Hey!
Angela: I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!
Jim: All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications-
Pam: [on computer screen] I can see you!
Jim: All right!
Pam: This is so cool.
Jim: So what is going on, girl in the computer?
Pam: Lunch with a girl from my hall.
Jim: Uh-huh.
Pam: Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.
Dwight: OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done.
Michael: No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. [picks up computer] Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!
Pam: Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?
Michael: Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.
Pam: The nerve.
Michael: Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?
Pam: They're on the supply shelf.
Michael: Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.
Pam: New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?
Michael: OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.
Darryl: 2,184 pounds, for a grand total - oh! You all gained five pounds back.
Michael: Damn it. Come on.
Oscar: [Kelly faints] Oh!
Kevin: Oh, my God!
Dwight: Come on, Bernard. [Andy spits on floor as warehouse worker walks past]
Michael: Here we go. Everybody on.
Dwight: All right, we're set.
Darryl: Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound.
Kelly: I was on an IV for two days at the hospital.
Stanley: I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.
Phyllis: Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite.
Phyllis: Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. [footage of Dwight and Angela making out] I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.
Michael: How's it going?
Phyllis: It's going well.
Michael: Good.
Holly: I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?
Michael: Cake? Who suggested cake? [Angela points to Phyllis]
Phyllis: We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while.
Michael: Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.
Michael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went - I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
Michael: Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight: Shotgun weddings.
Jim: That's not what that is.
Creed: Fright. Being scared to death.
Michael: No.
Holly: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Dwight: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
Jim: All right, I'm taking off.
Michael: Booty call.
Jim: Nope, just going to see Pam.
Michael: Here.
Jim: Maybe put up some shelves.
Michael: Wait a second. [removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim] I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.
Jim: OK, thank you for ... this.
Michael: You want more?
Jim: No.
Andy: I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
Angela: It's not my problem. [dials phone]
Andy: Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.
Angela: That is very important to me, so - I have work to do. Just do it. [walks away]
Andy: Sweetheart. [Angela turns around] Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
Andy: [Angela kisses him] Hey-oh!
Angela: I know I haven't made this easy on you. [Dwight comes out of storage room alone, looks at watch.]
Jim: [knocks on door] Hi.
Pam: Hi. [they kiss] Mmm. 'Cause- [looks toward camera]
Jim: Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out. [closes door]
Michael: [music playing] It's a pretty lame party.
Ronnie: Does anyone want to dance?
Jim: [watching baseball game on TV] Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.
Phyllis: Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake.
Stanley: I don't like cake anymore
Andy: Why not, dawg?
Stanley: Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava.
Dwight: Michael, we have a situation.
Dwight: They should not be in that room.
Holly: That's so lame they didn't invite us.
Michael: You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: Let's go mini-golfing.
Holly: Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.
Michael: Uh...
Holly: It'll probably be a total disaster, but...
Michael: Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Dwight: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.
Michael: You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?
Holly: Really?
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck.
Michael: Good luck.
Michael: Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.
Dwight: Party's over. You are so busted!
Michael: OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?
Phyllis: You said fruit, Michael.
Michael: And what is that?
Phyllis: Cake.
Michael: You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing.
Dwight: Happy Birthday, Stanley! [kicks cake onto Michael]
Holly: It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off.
Kevin: [spreading peanut butter on a bagel] What?
Creed: Oh nothing.
Kelly: It's just some of us are taking this really seriously.
Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.
Ryan: [walks in the office] How's my favorite branch doing? [no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan] All right [sits at reception].
Michael: Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.
Ryan: And you got a goatee!
Michael: I did!
Ryan: Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Michael: Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Kevin: Firrrrre-duh guy! [high fives Ryan]
Ryan: Hey Kevin... [Kevin gives Ryan a noogie] That's really funny.
Kevin: Yeah.
Ryan: It's great to see you Kev.
Kevin: You too.
Ryan: I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.
Ryan: Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Jim: Well that's great. [shakes Ryan's hand] You're talking about your court ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim: But he did, right?
Ryan: All right.
Jim: All right.
Ryan: [glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list]
Darryl: Well you lost zero pounds. [everyone grumbles] No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds.
Michael: Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. [flails his arms]
Andy: Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?
Holly: Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?
Andy: NO! I want names!
Andy: This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.
Oscar: So how was your date?
Holly: Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?
Michael: [groans painfully]
Holly: What's wrong?
Michael: [struggling to speak] Mmm- mmm... Um...
Michael: Close the door. This is your fault.
Jim: Nope.
Michael: Your stupid friend zone.
Jim: Mmm.
Michael: I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!
Dwight: Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. [looking at Phyllis] And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Jim: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight: I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim: No, you're definitely the problem.
Dwight: This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.
Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed.
Kelly: Cool.
Ryan: We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?
Kelly: Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so...
Ryan: That- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around.
Kelly: It's a small office.
Ryan: Yeah.
Dwight: Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line.
Phyllis: Yes you were.
Dwight: But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested?
Phyllis: Split the commission?
Dwight: [sighs] Sixty - forty. Hm? [they shake hands] I'll drive.
Ryan: [exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan]
Holly: Dieting's only half of it.
Michael: Mmm-hmm. Saunas.
Holly: And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym.
Michael: Gah, the dreadmill. [both laugh]
Jim: Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider... coworkers.
Friend: Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything.
Pam: What?
Friend: My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me.
Pam: Really, where?
Friend: No no! Don't look! [Pam sees an old lady behind him]
Pam: Wow, was it the age difference?
Friend: Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early. [they laugh, Pam's phone rings, she answers]
Pam: Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends!
Phyllis: [storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath] Are you insane?!
Dwight: Hey, hey!
Oscar: Oh my God, what happened?
Phyllis: There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.
Dwight: And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! [claps]
Phyllis: You left me in a bad part of town!
Dwight: Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? [Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials] You look great. I can definitely see the difference.
Phyllis: [into phone] Phyllis Vance for David Wallace.
Holly: ...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting-'
Michael: [in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice] Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!
Holly: What are you doing?
Jim: Fair question.
Michael: I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. [hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig] They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful.
Michael: It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.
Michael: Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
Jim: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you.
Michael: If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, 'Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?'
Kevin: Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump.
Michael: How do you know Michael Clump?
Oscar: Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character.
Michael: How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
Oscar: I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!'
Dwight: No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!'
Michael: No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.
Dwight: Vamping.
Michael: Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?
Dwight: Eh, I've been sitting all day.
Michael: We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. [to Ryan] Hey. Hey. You shaved?
Ryan: I did.
Michael: Why?
Ryan: [at a loss for words]
Professor: So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. [Pam's friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh] Others feel that fungus is do to an over-
Pam: [to friend] Nice.
Professor: Quiet please.
Pam: Sorry.
Friend: Sorry.
Michael: Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march.
Dwight: She should thank me.
Michael: Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first.
Phyllis: Why should I have to thank him?
Michael: You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok.
Dwight: [exhales] I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.
Michael: Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? [Phyllis sits] Let's all clap at Phyllis. [everyone claps] Ok! [in Michael Clump voice] When Michael Clump wants to remind you [normal voice] that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. [kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him] Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. [Kelly stands up on her chair] Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?
Ryan: [stands up] Everything. She's perfect.
Meredith: I like her nails.
Michael: Ok, be more specific.
Meredith: I like her fingernails.
Phyllis: I like her purple dress.
Michael: What about her looks?
Creed: Hell of an ass.
Kelly: ...what else do people like?
Phyllis: I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs.
Michael: Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?
Kelly: I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me!
Michael: I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. [Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest] Mmmmmm.
Jim: Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?
Michael: Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers.
Ryan: Oh...
Michael: Ahaha, Yep! [Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee]
Oscar: How was Friday night?
Holly: Oh, I had a good time, but it's been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so...
Oscar: He'll call.
Michael: Oscar, enough with the girl talk please.
Darryl: You guys lost four pounds.
Michael: Hey!
Darryl: I say we have a parade.
Dwight: We better.
Michael: Excellent! Good job.
Jim: So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so...
Pam: You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you.
Jim: I know. I suck.
Dwight: Yes, you do.
Jim: Dwight says 'Hi.'
Dwight: I do not! I do not say 'Hi' Pam!
Jim: Now he is saying 'Hi' louder.
Pam: I... listen, umm, we're still good for this weekend, right?
Jim: Umm...
Pam: No football games, recitals, karate tournaments.
Jim: Hey, can you go to IM?
Pam: OK.
Jim: OK.
JIM9334 [screen name]: Let's meet for lunch.
Dwight: What are you writing about me?
Receptionitis15 [screen name]: What - today?
JIM9334: Yeah. C'mon we'll meet halfway. You'll be back for your 4 o'clock class.
Dwight: I'm gonna write you both up for not working.
Jim: I'm gonna write you up for not working.
Dwight: Ok, well played. Neither of us'll write the other up for not working.
Receptionitis15: Where?
JIM9334: The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think. 1 o'clock.
Receptionitis15: Alright. See you there. : ) P.S. I finally finished my
Jim: [holds up an ASCII image of Dwight]
Michael: Yeah, oh, hey. Did he call?
Holly: I just got off... Kendall? I just got off...
Michael: No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy. What, what happened? Did he call?
Holly: Oh, no.
Micheal: Really?
Holly: No.
Micheal: Aach.
Holly: And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call?
Michael: I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. He'll call back though. Give him until the end of the day, he'll call. If he doesn't, he is loco.
Holly: Thanks. That's sweet. Anyways, umm, seems like we lost to Utica by only eight pounds.
Michael: Ugh.
Holly: Well, at least everyone lost weight. That's all that really matters.
Michael: Wait, do we have until the end of the day?
Holly: So we're only eight pounds behind Utica. Now, I know it's a stretch but we could weigh ourselves again at the end of the day and maybe win this thing after all.
Andy: Leave it to me, boss. I can get this whole office to make weight. [turns up thermostat] It's gonna be a little toasty in here. Good old fashioned sweat lodge.
Andy: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.
Michael: [Kelly eating in the break room] Hey, is that healthy food?
Kelly: Nope.
Michael: We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly. Please?
Jim: Hey, Michael. I just scheduled lunch with a client so I might be back a little late.
Michael: Ok, that is fine. Just water, and be back by weigh-in, ok?
Jim: Perfect.
Dwight: [sprays the inside of the vending machine with bug spray]
Angela: I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff.
Andy: Your wish is my command.
Angela: Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy?
Andy: Of course!
Angela: Really?
Andy: Yeah! I mean it's a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?
Angela: Mmhmm.
Andy: And you know what? The guys already know it so it's easy breezy.
Angela: The guys?
Andy: I didn't tell you.
Angela: Mm-mm
Andy: Here Comes Treble, class of '96 was available for our big day, so, I booked 'em.
Angela: I don't think that...
Andy: And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so... it totally works out.
Angela: I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band.
Andy: Ok, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You're gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that's me, Pubie Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for.
Angela: [Angela dials the phone] Let's talk about this later. [Dwight's pager buzzes]
Andy: Mm-wah! [Angela walks away, Dwight follows]
Pam: Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.
Jim: [Jim gets down on one knee]
Pam: What are you doing?
Jim: I just... couldn't wait.
Pam: Oh my God!
Jim: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam: Oh my God!
Jim: So?
Pam: Yes! [they embrace and kiss]
Dwight: God. Where is Jim?
Holly: I'm calling it. I guess that's curtains for the yoga guy.
Michael: Aww, really?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing...
Holly: Yeah?
Michael: ...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
Holly: Aww man, I really wanted to see them.
Michael: I know. I love Counting Crows.
Holly: Look at where my seats were.
Michael: Wow, really?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: That's a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you.
Holly: Michael, you don't have to buy them.
Michael: I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do.
Holly: Ok.
Michael: Ok?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Alright. Alright! [tears up tickets] Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so...
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Is that good?
Holly: Yeah.
Jim: Hey, sorry everybody.
Dwight: What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You're late.
Andy: Wet Tuna!
Jim: Hey Dwight.
Michael: OK.
Jim: What's up, Meredith?
Meredith: Nothing.
Dwight: Dripping on me.
Michael: Darryl, would you do the honors?
Darryl: Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. [everyone moans] Sorry guys.
Michael: Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers.
Stanley: I don't know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I'm just gonna take five days off anyway.
Toby: [in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors.
Kelly: [to Holly] I'm doing the blood type diet.
Meredith: Who gives a f[bleep]?
Kelly: What'd you say h[bleep]?
Holly: Okay, great. I got it.
Dwight: Look what just arrived from the Nashua branch. [reads from card attached to gift basket] 'Here's something to enjoy on your three non-vacation days. Nashua branch.' Can I send them a dead deer?
Michael: No, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna take that and we are going to us it as a reward for the end of our competition.
Dwight: Classy.
Dwight: My dream vacation? I sleep in, putter around the farm, go fishing for a few hours, take a long run in the forest, check the traps. Then the sun comes up and I head into work, which is empty, because everyone else is out of town on vacation.
Oscar: [seeing Kevin throw out bunch of M&Ms] Nice job, Kevin. [Kevin fills jar back up with another candy]
Oscar: I'm pretty fit. But in the gay community, there's a lot of pressure to be ripped. I got straight abs. I want gay abs.
Oscar: Can you turn the heat down now - it's oppressive.
Andy: Yeah, totally. I'm sorry, Oscar. Yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you.
Oscar: It's just...
Andy: Cause it's kind of bothering all of us, 'cause it's really hot, you know, it's hot, so we can lose weight, so we don't screw up this whole contest for the entire freaking office, but if you want, I'll turn it down.
Michael: Hello, hello. Hey! Your face is almost back to normal.
Meredith: One more kid calls me 'Hellboy,' I swear to God...
Dwight: Oh, you wish. Hellboy's a hero.
Meredith: These guys took me out on their fishing boat. I don't think I caught anything.
Oscar: Have you been to the beach yet?
Toby: [on the computer] No, but I'm going zip lining tomorrow, through the, through the rainforest, with this cool couple I, I met at my hotel. Wo-woman's amazing...
Michael: Hey, Oscar! Come on, let's go!
Oscar: Okay, Toby, I gotta go.
Toby: Hey, is that Michael? Does he miss me? [laughs] Uh, Oscar? Are you there? Hello? [sighs]
Michael: I am suspending you without pay for the rest of the year.
Jim: No, you're not.
Michael: Okay, no, I am not. Dwight! [Dwight runs into Michael's office] I want you to take Jim's chair. No! No! His chair at his desk. He gets it back on Friday.
Dwight: All right!
Michael: I want you to get your ass out of my face.
Jim: [sitting on a stack of paper] Yeah, well, if you're only free till three on Sunday and I can't get there till one, then it's gonna be pretty tight.
Michael: [from his office] That's what she said.
Jim: [as Dwight tries to take paper out from under him] Hey, can you not?
Dwight: Can you not? No sitting devices, Michael's rules.
Jim: No, no, no, definitely, definitely. Yes. Next weekend, then. All right! I love you, too.
Dwight: Gah! [tries to dislodge paper with his feet]
Darryl: Hey, um, my daughter said you traded her a headband for her Nintendo DS?
Kelly: Oh yeah, she loves that headband.
Darryl: She's six.
Kelly: She manipulates you.
Darryl: Okay, I'm gonna need you to make this right or else we can't be right.
Kelly: I never know when you're kidding.
Jan: I can't feel... I can't feel anything that you're doing, Michael.
Michael: Well...
Jan: It's like nothing's happening.
Michael: You're...you know what? I read in one of those books that you're not even supposed to give foot massages because it can induce labor.
Jan: Oh, just stop making excuses and just dig in there.
Michael: I'm digging.
Jim: When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us all to believe that he was the father... by telling us he was the father. But then we got this e-mail from Jan. [waves paper and reads from it] 'Hi, everyone! Jan here, writing to share some wonderful news and to quash a rumor. First, the great news - I am expecting. The beautiful baby inside me will be ready to meet the world this fall just a few months before the launch of the new Serenity by Jan line (shameless plug, I know, don't hate me, LOL). Anyway, I also wanted to clarify that the father is not anyone that you or I have ever met. Remember, no matter how excited someone is about my baby, it does not make them the father. Best, Jan. P.S. Hope to ship you something soon.'
Michael: I can't wait to be a father. I'm going to smother that baby.
Jan: Uh, new wicks from Craft Corner, uh, this dress [hands Michael bag] returned to Suburban Casuals, and uh, panty liners.
Michael: I really, I don't want to get panty liners, please...
Jan: Well, I, you said you wanted to help, so I...
Michael: I know, it's...
Dwight: Will you be able to milk with those implants?
Jan: You mean breastfeed?
Dwight: Yeah. [Jan starts to get up] Easy there, old girl. [tries to help her]
Jan: Uh, I'm fine, thank you.
Dwight: Okay.
Jan: Would you just call me when you're done with the errands, Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: [as Jan leaves room] Careful. Hmm. She was a keeper.
Michael: I want you to get the panty liners.
Dwight: Done.