Michael: [to Jim]: Hey, you ready?
Michael: All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent.
Dwight: Michael!
Michael: Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, 'This might be kinda fun.' And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.
Michael: Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Dwight: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team.
Michael: No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
Dwight: Oh, please.
Michael: [to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game...
Dwight: I apologized for that.
Michael: [to Dwight] I vouched for you.
Dwight: Michael, I...
Michael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.
Dwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: [to camera] Same thing.
Michael: No, it's not. It's lower, so...
Dwight: It's close.
Dwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim.
Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?
Phyllis: Keep me out of it.
Pam: My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding.
Michael: All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan: Fine, don't worry about that.
Michael: And here we have 'Mister Roger's Neighborhood.' Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
Lonny: What's up?
Michael: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
Darryl: It's not my real name.
Michael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
Ryan: Darryl Rogers?
Darryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.
Michael: [laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
Ryan: Yeah, yeah.
Michael: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!
Pam: [on the phone] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years.
Jim: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago.
Michael: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Darryl: We're loading at one.
Michael: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Darryl: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.
Michael: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken]
Darryl: All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock.
Michael: All right, see you at one.
Michael: Are we ready for the game?
Everybody: [half-heartedly] Yeah.
Michael: I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael: Uh, [in a nerdy voice] 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword.'
Jim: That's him.
Michael: OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Stanley: I'm sorry?
Michael: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley: Why 'of course'?
Michael: Uh...
Stanley: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Jim: Uh, I heard it.
Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Phyllis: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Michael: [ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Ryan: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?
Michael: Yes.
Ryan: OK.
Michael: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
Oscar: I can help out, if you need me.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Kevin: I have a hoop in my driveway.
Michael: No.
Phyllis: I have a sports bra.
Michael: No, no, ridiculous.
Dwight: Michael, look. [Dwight throws paper at the garbage can]
Michael: Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: Sorry Phyllis.
Dwight: Can I be team captain?
Michael: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight: Can I be team manager?
Michael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight: Assistant team manager?
Michael: No.
Dwight: OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
Michael: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Jim: Oh my God.
Michael: Threat neutralized.
Michael: [hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard!
Pam: Please don't throw garbage at me.
Michael: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Pam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance.
Jim: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and...
Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Pam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Michael: Oh, yeah right.
Phyllis: I'll do it.
Michael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good.
Michael: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Darryl: Just getting a tea bag.
Michael: Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!
Darryl: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.
Michael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.
Darryl: No, that's not as much fun. You know what?
Michael: What?
Darryl: You're on.
Michael: OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up.
Michael: [to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.
Angela: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? [Dwight holds the kit up] How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you.
Jim: Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here.
Jim: You coming down?
Pam: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.
Jim: You gonna wish me luck?
Pam: Yeah, you're gonna need it.
Jim: Whoa.
Jim: Is that trash talk from Pam?
Pam: [laughing] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...
Jim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.
Michael: Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it.
Jim: Have a good game man.
Roy: Yeah, you too. Should be fun.
Michael: All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?
Ryan: I stretched before I came.
Michael: OK.
Michael: OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Jim: Really? I thought I'd take Roy.
Michael: Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys.
Dwight: [taking off his shirt] OK, we'll be skins!
Michael: Aw, come on Dwight.
Dwight: What? Shirts on or off?
Michael: On. Just put it on.
Dwight: You sure?
Michael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK?
Roy: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.
Michael: Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him!
Teammates: Yeah!
Roy: That's what I'm talking about.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!
Dwight: De-fense! [clap, clap] [Michael joins in] De-fense! [clap clap]
Michael and Dwight: De-fense! De-fense!
Warehouse worker: [Roy scores] Well done team.
Michael: Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket]
Pam: Woo!
Michael: [misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go.
Michael: [Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul.
Roy: OK.
Michael: OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK.
Michael: When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone.
Michael: [misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?!
Michael: Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually.
Michael: Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa!
Jim: My bad.
Darryl: [scores] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Lonny: [dancing] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there.
Michael: That is cool. Is that like the Robot?
Michael: [Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump]
Ryan: Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine.
Darryl: You have one more free throw shoot. Come on.
Roy: All right, let's go.
Warehouse worker: Watch your back Madge.
Madge: Hey! Come on man!
Michael: Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!
Dwight: [scores] Yeah! [points to Madge] In your face!
Madge: Yeah, like that counts.
Michael: You know what? Dwight, Dwight...
Michael: Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...
Michael: [singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter...
Roy: [steals the ball, scores, mimics singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.
Michael: All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!
Michael: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.
Jim: You know what? Let me take Roy.
Michael: All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.
Michael: Shoot, shoot it. [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up.
Darryl: Block, block, block!
Madge: He's afraid of you now.
Michael: [Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?
Michael: [Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes!
Roy: What the hell man?
Jim: Take it easy.
Roy: No, you take it easy.
Michael: [Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys!
Ryan: [Dwight steals the ball from Ryan] Same team, Dwight.
Michael: Dwight!
Dwight: [scores] Yes!
Michael: [Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score?
Angela: You're ahead.
Michael: Yeah, baby, here we go!
Michael: [Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it!
Worker: I'm sorry.
Michael: Foul! Foul!
Worker: I'm sorry. You all right?
Michael: Oh, that hurts.
Worker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Michael: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?
Darryl: Take your shot man!
Michael: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.
Worker: No it wasn't.
Michael: [mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.
Worker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up...
Michael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.
Angela: This is a cold pack...
Dwight: Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [bag explodes]
Michael: Thanks Dwight.
Lonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?
Michael: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.
Darryl: That was you.
Michael: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.
Roy: No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday.
Darryl: Yeah, this isn't happening.
Michael: Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Lonny: So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?
Michael: Hey, hey...
Lonny: Monday?
Michael: [laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word.
Jim: [to Pam] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good.
Pam: Mmm-hmm.
Jim: I didn't sign anything.
Roy: Hey baby.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: [to Jim] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.
Pam: Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? [to Roy] Let's get you into a tub.
Roy: Yeah? Let's get you into a tub.
Michael: Hey, what a game, huh? What a game.
Oscar: What time do we have to come in?
Michael: Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend.
Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.
Michael: [slams palms on desk] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Pam: New pants?
Michael: Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing.
Pam: Abercrombie & Fitch?
Michael: Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target.
Dwight: Michael, could I talk to you for a second, please?
Michael: Uh...
Dwight: In your office? [in Michael's office] You know that is why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes, yes. Assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: [to camera] Same thing.
Michael: No, it's not. It's lower.
Dwight: It's close.
Michael: What was that?
Dwight: What?
Michael: That look?
Dwight: What look?
Michael: Like trying to find the camera, to give the camera a look. Okay, we're done. Is that your stomach? I keep hearing somebody's stomach. [whispers] God.
Michael: So, you uh, see the Sixers game last night?
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael: [howls like a wolf] Oww whoo whoo! The Answer was on fire!
Darryl: Iverson. Yeah, always man. It's very important.
Michael: Oh, man! Man I tell ya. Iverson has maybe got me beat by like 20 pounds, 3 inches. [makes 'pop' noise with his mouth]
Roy: What? Iverson's not fat.
Michael: No, neither am I. We both look good.
Michael: Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it's taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, [makes shooting motion] three points. The Question, whew, whew, [makes shooting motion] six points. Nothing but net. Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister.
Kevin: I can't work Saturday.
Dwight: Please, have a seat. [Kevin sits down] Okay, why not?
Kevin: I'm in a band.
Dwight: Marching or garage?
Kevin: It's a Steve Miller Tribute Band.
Dwight: I tell you what. You give me a tape of your band and a tape of the Steve Miller Band and I'll get back to you. That is all.
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Mello.
Michael: Packer. Pac-man.
Packer: Whoa. Hey.
Michael: Pac-man [imitating the noises of the video game Pac-man eating dots]
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Is this Michael Scott? My secret lover. My intercom, I told you never to call me here. Never! [Michael's laughing]
Michael: I'm not your lover! I'm am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist.
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein!
Michael: Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs]
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein!
Michael: It's not a Jewish joke, so don't worry.
Todd Packer: [on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein!
Michael: [clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One 'o clock. Big game, big game.
Todd Packer: [sounds sick on the phone] I can't make it.
Michael: Mmm. No, you said you could man. We're counting on ya. You know you're playing point guard.
Todd Packer: [on the phone] I... I'm not coming.
Michael: No. Hey... I mean, although it's just for fun, you know we want... I was counting on you man.
Todd Packer: [on the phone] Oh, God! Stop whining. You know, you only come to the pick up game once a year. You little bitch. [Michael picks up phone, takes it off speakerphone] All right, yup. Hey, okay. No problem, you know, best you can do. Hey, you know. Hey, nice talking to you too. All right take care. [sighs] Michael Scoot. That's funny. He's a good friend.
Dwight: [eating Tootsie Rolls from Angela's candy on her desk] Mmm. Good. Mmm.
Angela: They're one per person. [points to sign 'Please take one!!]
Dwight: Would you like to have a vacation this year? That's what I thought. [continues eating Tootsie Rolls] Mmm, delicious.
Pam: Well, I though we were saving money for the wedding, but apparently Roy thought it was more important to buy two WaveRunners. I don't really ever get to use the other WaveRunner that's supposed to be mine because his brother uses it and they race.
Dwight: Jim, you're the new schedule guy, huh?
Jim: I'm trying, yup.
Dwight: Yeah, I hear that. You know what? This little baby might come in handy.
Jim: Great, thanks.
Dwight: On one condition. You...
Jim: Forget it. It's just a dry erase board.
Dwight: Oh, no it's not. Okay, check it out.
Jim: Okay, that's insanely complicated and the first thing I'm going to do is erase it.
Dwight: No, you're not because I spent hours on it.
Jim: Well, then keep it.
Dwight: Okay, I will. Okay, fine. You'll be back.
Michael: [misses a free throw badly] I... I think you can play. Like you could when you were a kid. I think you can never give up the play. Because if people stop playing, then they stop living. It's like a shark. If a shark stops playing he stops living. And sharks are very playful creatures.
Angela: [Dwight holds the first aid kit up] I'm the safety officer, not you.
Dwight: Isn't that crazy? I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Lackawanna County says that it's okay for me to perform CPR, but for Michael my lips aren't qualified enough for his perfect little face. It's nuts.
Angela: Is that really necessary?
Dwight: [wearing a face guard] I've almost had my nose broken a dozen times.
Michael: You know what. I think most basketball movies are great movies. Because it's a great subject. There's one about a little kid who, um, joins a professional basketball team and he's really, really good and he can dunk and he's like 3 feet tall. And he can dunk the ball. That, oh, I love that movie. That movie kind of, that movie makes me cry. I don't like to cry on camera, but that movie makes me cry. Um, because it touches a cord in me about hoops. [Michael's free throw is really short] Short, short, short! And basketball is like jazz, you know. To like pertipify it there's a jazz musician, a guy, you know... if you know jazz you know who I mean. He's uh, God what was his name? Um, he plays one of those curly horns, like those really shiny curly horns that's used in jazz a lot.
Warehouse Worker: [back to the basketball game] Let's go Lonny.
Jim: [Michael steals the ball] Yeah, Michael. Go Michael. [makes shot]
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: Birdie. He's not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is... if you knew jazz, you'd know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is.
Michael: [back to the basketball game] Dwight, pass it to Jim! Pass it to Ryan!
Stanley: Oh, my ankle!
Michael: Stanley, gotta play hurt.
Stanley: Oh, actually no I don't Michael.
Michael: I just want you know, you've been a big disappointment to me today, okay.
Stanley: [in pain] Oh. Go away.
Michael: I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We're playing zone!
Everybody: [Michael hits a half court shot] Ah! [clapping]
Michael: Yes! Yes! All right. We got game!


Jan: Are you listening to me Michael?
Michael: Affirmative.
Jan: What did I just say?
Michael: You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said...
Jan: Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael: Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates!
Jan: I'm not going to do that Michael.
Michael: Okay
Jan: We've created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael: Uh, huh.
Jan: At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars.
Michael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize?
Jan: Uh, yes. Yes you can.
Michael: Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to...
Jan: No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize.
Michael: I didn't mean me!
Michael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
Dwight: Sex.
Michael: It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing.
Dwight: Torture.
Michael: Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid.
Pam: Uh, Michael?
Michael: Pam!
Pam: Hey, there's a...
Michael: Burger with cheese!
Pam: There's a person here...
Michael: And fries!
Pam: There's...
Michael: And shake! What? Go ahead.
Pam: There's a person here who wants to sell handbags.
Michael: No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction.
Pam: Okay, I told her you'd talk to her.
Michael: Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: [exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her.
Katy: This one is hand embroidered.
Michael: All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.
Dwight: Cocks in the henhouse.
Michael: Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass?
Katy: Katy.
Michael: Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0.
Michael: Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace.
Dwight: So am I.
Michael: Nobody cares what you think.
Dwight: Doesn't matter.
Michael: So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day.
Katy: Wow, thanks.
Pam: There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30.
Michael: Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman.
Michael: I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating.
Michael: This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. [knocks on wall] used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be.
Michael: So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here.
Katy: I guess a cup of coffee would be great.
Michael: Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks.
Katy: What?
Michael: It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here.
Katy: Regular coffee is fine.
Michael: Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb
Katy: No really it is.
Michael: No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?
Katy: Bring it on.
Michael: Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right.
Kevin: So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?
Pam: No.
Kevin: She's prettier than you though.
Pam: That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.
Kevin: [nods]
Katy: So do you like the periwinkle and the purples?
Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Michael: [handing Katy a mug of coffee] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe.
Katy: Thank you.
Michael: I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right?
Katy: Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um...
Michael: Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please?
Ryan: I'm installing File Share on all the computers.
Michael: Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right?
Michael: You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy.
Oscar: I'm on the phone.
Michael: Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that.
Katy: That was on Sesame Street.
Michael: I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here?
Katy: No, I don't believe that.
Michael: I know, it's unbelievable.
Pam: It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with.
Michael: Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby.
Katy: Hi
Toby: Hi, nice to meet you.
Michael: Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara?
Katy: Yeah.
Toby: Yeah, me too.
Katy: Cool. What year were you there?
Toby: Eighty-nine.
Michael: Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right?
Toby: Yeah.
Michael: You and your wife, and you have kids.
Toby: A girl.
Michael: Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?
Toby: [looks resigned]
Katy: I should probably get back to my table.
Michael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work.
Michael: I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike.
Roy: Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh?
Jim: Cute, sure, yeah.
Roy: Why don't you get on that?
Jim: She's not really my type.
Roy: What are you gay?
Jim: Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope.
Kevin: What is your type?
Jim: [glances at Pam] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really.
Roy: That's disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.
Roy: [Katy walks through breakroom] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.
Pam: We're not dating, we're engaged.
Roy: Engaged, yeah.
Jim: Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.
Jim: She'd be perfect for you.
Dwight: Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot.
Jim: So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Jim: Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss.
Dwight: That's true.
Jim: Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there.
Dwight: True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name.
Jim: It's all gold.
Katy: Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions.
Jim: Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back.
Dwight: What's that?
Jim: You buy a purse.
Dwight: I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls.
Jim: Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them.
Dwight: Like those?
Jim: Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her.
Dwight: Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going...
Jim: No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go.
Jim: Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good.
Pam: [smiles]
Jim: [mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice] Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta?
Pam: [mimicing Katy] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that.
Jim: Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens.
Pam: Oh!
Jim: Oh! That was really. [Dwight hits purse against table] This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all.
Pam: Oh...
Jim: I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much?
Pam: Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad.
Jim: [whispering] Here he comes, shhh...
Jim: [gives Dwight a thumbs-up - mouths the word] Good.
Pam: [smiles in agreement]
Jim: He did pick a good one.
Pam: You're horrible.
Katy: This one's really good for a hot date.
Pam: Yeah, what's that?
Katy: [laughs]
Pam: I'm engaged. So...
Katy: Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone.
Pam: I wished, right?
Michael: Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? [to Katy] So how's that uh, coffee from earlier?
Katy: Good.
Michael: Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?
Katy: [whispers] Sorry.
Michael: Busted.
Katy: [to Pam] Come back...
Michael: Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones.
Katy: Is that from Starbucks?
Michael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.
Katy: Wow. Is that for the office?
Michael: Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!
Katy: I wouldn't think of it.
Michael: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!
Michael: [Katy reading text message on her phone] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. [Katy looks annoyed] What? What's the matter?
Katy: Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me.
Michael: Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...?
Katy: Oh no, it's um...
Michael: Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.
Katy: No...
Michael: Seriously. No, really.
Katy: No. I really don't want to inconvenience you.
Michael: God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp.
Katy: At five?
Michael: I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves.
Katy: Okay.
Michael: What?
Katy: Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay.
Michael: Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home.
Katy: Okay. Cool.
Michael: Excellent.
Katy: Cool.
Michael: Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath - looks at camera] Yeah, okay.
Michael: I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So..
Dwight: It's actually better this way.
Michael: No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto-
Dwight: Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because...
Michael: No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not.
Dwight: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much.
Michael: But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.
Dwight: What?
Michael: She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home.
Dwight: Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?
Michael: Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot...
Dwight: Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?
Michael: No. I cannot promise you that.
Dwight: You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me?
Michael: Listen, Dwight.
Dwight: Do you love her?
Michael: [laughs] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away]
Katy: I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that.
Stanley: Hmmm...
Michael: Espresso?
Katy: Oh, thank you.
Michael: You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm.
Stanley: Is that from the machine that was in your office?
Michael: Ummm-hmmm...
Stanley: I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson.
Michael: Very easy to clean.
Michael: Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? [laughs]
Michael: Did we get any mail?
Pam: Yeah, I gave it to you.
Michael: Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and...
Pam: So, can I..? [points to the door]
Michael: Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?
Jim: A futon?
Pam: [nods]
Jim: He's a grown man
Pam: That's what he said.
Jim: That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Jim sees Roy and trails off]
Roy: What's up?
Pam: [not looking at Roy] Hi.
Roy: Are you still mad at me?
Pam: Roy...
Roy: Come on [begins to tickle Pam]
Pam: Cut it out.
Roy: Come on, you mad at me?
Pam: Stop it. [laughing]
Roy: Are you still mad at me now?
Pam: [giggling] Cut it out.
Roy: Are you mad at me now?
Pam: Stop. [giggling]
Roy: Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding.
Pam: [breathless] Stop, I can't breathe.
Roy: I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't...
Pam: Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone.
Katy: You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet?
Angela: I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping.
Katy: Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality.
Angela: Yeah, uh no.
Dwight: Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private?
Katy: I don't think so I'm really busy.
Dwight: It will just take a second.
Katy: I can't.
Dwight: Just for a minute.
Katy: I really can't.
Dwight: Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.
Katy: No.
Dwight: Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date?
Katy: Both.
Katy: What colors do you like?
Angela: Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal.
Michael: Ryan.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Would you like to help me with a special project?
Ryan: I would love to.
Michael: Alright.
Michael: [in Michael's car] Okay, just throw out all the empties.
Ryan: You don't want to recycle them?
Michael: Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin.
Ryan: Do you want this? [holding a full bottle of water]
Michael: No.
Ryan: What about this bottle of power drink?
Michael: Uh, what flavor?
Ryan: Blue.
Michael: Blue's not a flavor.
Ryan: It says flavor: Blue Blast.
Michael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you.
Jim: Hi.
Katy: Hi.
Jim: I'm Jim, by the way.
Katy: I'm Katy.
Jim: Hi Katy, nice to meet you.
Katy: You sit out there, don't you?
Jim: I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses.
Katy: Okay, um...
Jim: Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn.
Katy: Okay. [laughs]
Jim: Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can...
Katy: Okay.
Michael: What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir.
Ryan: No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept.
Michael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it.
Ryan: Well, it's empty.
Michael: Not it's not, there's some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out.
Ryan: Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat?
Michael: That's over several months, Ryan.
Ryan: [Under his breath] Still.
Jim: What's up?
Pam: I'm bored.
Jim: Thank you for choosing me.
Pam: No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend?
Jim: Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: What are you guys going to do?
Jim: Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos.
Pam: That's great.
Jim: And stuff... yeah.
Pam: That's cool.
Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Cause Roy's got a truck.
Jim: That's cool.
Pam: Uh, huh. Yes.
Jim: That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right?
Pam: Great.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Okay, I'm gonna head back.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know.
Michael: Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem.
Katy: Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you.
Michael: See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim.
Jim: Goodnight, Michael.
Michael: Where you going?
Jim: I don't know. Grab a drink, I think?
Michael: With us?
Katy: I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook.
Michael: Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool.
Jim: I got this. [taking Katy's bag from Michael]
Michael: Alright, have fun.
Katy: Thanks.
Jim: I got it.
Michael: Don't drink and drive.
Michael: Take it easy.
Jim: Have a good night.
Michael: You too, have a good night.
Katy: You got that?
Jim: Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter.
Katy: Good. Here. Squeeze it inside.
Jim: Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay?
Katy: Why?
Jim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay.
Katy: It's a... it's a very nice car.
Jim: You're not going to freak out?
Michael: Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.
Dwight: The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She has the most amazing story. She was orphaned at age 10 when both her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy, but very cruel, businessman. So she practiced aikido in secret for years until she could avenge the death of her parents. She's also a survivor of monster rape.
Dwight: This is really well made. Good stitching. Excellent fabric. [shakes the purse from side to side by it's handle] You sell a lot of these?
Katy: It's very popular, yeah.
Dwight: I knew it. Is it waterproof?
Katy: I'm not sure. It's faux snakeskin.
Dwight: Snakes are waterproof. So, I'm betting that it's waterproof. Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel?
Katy: No.
Dwight: Cause I could look it up real easily.
Katy: You're really into reptiles, huh?
Dwight: My belt's made out of alligator. Check it out. [lifts shirt]
Katy: Oh, um, it's okay.
Michael: Dwight. Dwight. Dwight! Okay, that's it. Keep it in your pants.
Dwight: I was just showing her my belt.
Michael: Well, don't do that. Where are your glasses?
Dwight: I...
Michael: He wears glasses. Did you know that?
Dwight: Not all the time.
Michael: Well, now suddenly he can see. [laughs] Okay, take off. See ya. Bye-bye. [gives coffee to Katy] There you go steaming hot cup of joe.
Katy: Thank you.
Michael: Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs]
Katy: Ha. Yeah, asks a lot of questions.
Michael: Yeah, yeah he is the worst.
Michael: What's the um, saying, 'once their laughing they're... that's... Once they're laughing that's 50 percent of them being horizontal. So, not that I'm just... Not that that's my... that's what I'm trying to do, but I think it helps kind of melts the ice. Breaks the ice, melts... Breaks the ice and melts them. Melts their hearts.
Michael: Thank you, Al Gore... for the Internet. Can send messages from one side the global to the other in the blink of an eye. Can you believe we couldn't do that ten years ago?
Katy: We could do that ten years ago.
Michael: Right, but 20 years ago we couldn't and that is amazing. Here's Toby from Human Resources. This is Katy. Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hi.
Katy: Hi.
Toby: Hey, did you go to Bishop Ohara?
Katy: Yeah.
Toby: Yeah, me too.
Katy: Cool, what year where you there?
Toby: 89
Katy: Oh.
Michael: [talking over Toby and Katy] Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right? That'll damage ya. Sorry man. That's uh, that's a bad one. How much you paying her? What can, you can't even afford anything now, right? You're all right though, right? Don't ask me for a raise. [laughs] Cup of Soup's a good idea though. That'll... that's a good budgetary thing to do.
Toby: It's just a snack.
Michael: Well, they're good snacks. They're good food, good meals, good lunch. Roman noodles are good too. You still sleepin' in the car?
Toby: No.
Michael: Cause he slept in the car a couple times.
Toby: Just the once.
Michael: Are you still taking the antidepressants? 'Cause it was a good idea. 'Cause it'll help. It'll help, man.
Katy: I'm gonna go back to my table.
Michael: Okay. I'll see you in a bit. [whispering] She's pretty cute isn't she? See you in a bit.
Ryan: I mean whatever one you want.
Kelly: Um, I like that one I think. [Ryan hands her a purse]
Ryan: Yeah, I mean, it looks real good, probably.
Pam: You know Michael's been talking to her too.
Jim: Oh, really?
Pam: What do you think his chances are?
Jim: Well, Pam I'm not gonna lie to you, he's chances are none. Um, he's 41 years old, he is losing his hair and his cell phone ring is 'Mambo #5.' So...
Pam: [laughs] I like that song.
Jim: I don't know though. I mean, you know that was a hit.
Pam: [laughs] 10 years ago.
Jim: Yeah, was it 10? Yeah, I have it on a mix tape from junior high.
Jim: Went well?
Dwight: I think it did.
Jim: You know what, just in case she's looking you should put some stuff in it.
Dwight: Seriously?
Jim: Anything. [Dwight begins to fill his new purse] Good. Yup.
Dwight: What else?
Jim: Post-it Notes. Wow, that purse holds a lot.
Dwight: It's a mini-briefcase.
Jim: Yeah, oh, I know. Looks great. [Dwight throws the purse over his right shoulder and gets back to work]
Kevin: Do you like Steve Miller?
Katy: No.
Kevin: Cause I'm in a Steve Miller Tribute... Tribute Band.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. I need your stapler.
Dwight: It's in my purse.
Jim: Oh, great thanks.
Dwight: Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her. Uh, now he wants to fight. So I grab him. I throw him into a jukebox. Then the other ninja's got a knife. He comes at me. We grapple. I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now, I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss. I hear something in the leaves. I flip her around. She gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time. But, I knew.
Michael: All right. That's looking good. Hey um, Ryan do you have any music I can borrow.
Ryan: What kind do you like?
Michael: Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music.
Ryan: Okay, do you like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock?
Michael: Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of 'em.
Ryan: Okay. Do you like The Strokes?
Michael: Mmm hmm. I like 'em.
Ryan: Do you like The Hives?
Michael: Yes. God. They're awesome.
Ryan: You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps?
Michael: Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great.
Ryan: Yeah, I had a feeling you would like those.
Michael: Cool, so maybe hook me up with some Fleebulls and some Hive.
Ryan: Absolutely.
Michael: All right. This is gonna be good.
Dwight: Hi, here you can have this. [Dwight gives Kelly his purse] It's a mini-briefcase, but you can use it as a purse.
Kelly: Uh, thank you.


Michael: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, 'Hey, did you get an award?' And the neighbor will say, 'No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me.' Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...
Jim: So, you ready for the... the Dundies?
Pam: Ugh...
Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Michael: [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert.
Jim: What?
Michael: [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert.
Michael: So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?
Jim: Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky.
Michael: Oh, that's a good idea.
Dwight: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
Michael: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.
Michael: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say 'Don't go there' but that's... lame.
Michael: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling.
Stanley: I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out.
Michael: Oh, no you di-int.
Stanley: I think I did.
Michael: W-why did you...
Stanley: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?
Michael: Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them.
Michael: [in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the 'Show Me the Money' award! Yeah!
Pam: Michael has taped
Oscar: [in video] That's supposed to be confidential.
Michael: [in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!
Michael: [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing...
Michael: [in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...
Pam: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great.
Michael: [on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of...
Kelly: It was you.
Phyllis: Live and learn.
Pam: [quietly laughing] It wasn't. I swear.
Kelly: Yeah, it was.
Dwight: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either.
Pam: We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
Dwight: So who are we laughing at?
Pam: Um, just something somebody wrote.
Dwight: Who? Dave Barry?
Kelly: [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall.
Dwight: What is it? Who wrote it?
Pam: Um, it's kind of private.
Phyllis: [whispering] It's about Michael.
Dwight: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Pam: Okay, now I'm laughing at you.
Michael: [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
Jan: [on speaker phone] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael.
Michael: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.
Jan: No.
Michael: Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So...
Jan: No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this.
Michael: Um...
Michael: [to camera] Could you...?
Jan: Are you there Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.
Michael: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean...
Michael: ...come on, Jan!
Michael: You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Jan: Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Michael: Well, yeah, I mean, what is...
Jan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
Jan: And you had a luau...
Michael: ...it happens once every billion years.
Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.
Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
Michael: This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] 'Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.' Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk.
Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!!
Dwight: No, no, no, no...
Phyllis: What were you doing in the ladies room?!
Dwight: ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.
Phyllis: Why were you peering over the stalls?!
Dwight: No, why were you in there?!
Phyllis: You are a pervert!
Dwight: What were you doing in there?
Phyllis: You, are, a pervert!
Dwight: I am not.
Michael: [in video] The Dundie award for 'Longest Engagement' goes to Pam Beesley.
Michael: Pam, everybody! [starts clapping]
Michael: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting.
Roy: [on video] Yes.
Michael: [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?
Roy: [on video] Ah, w-we'll see you next year.
Michael: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!
Michael: I'm not changing that, it's the best one.
Jim: No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, 'world's longest engagement', um, we're all expecting it, you know?
Michael: That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.
Jim: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.
Michael: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh.
Dwight: Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.
Pam: You're taking away our bathroom?
Dwight: We are going to have two men's rooms.
Phyllis: But where would we...go?
Dwight: Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to...
Pam: Michael...
Michael: Yes.
Pam: ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.
Michael: Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now.
Dwight: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions...
Michael: Just don't, don't talk-
Dwight: ...for people's behavior.
Michael: Don't talk-
Dwight: And it's-
Michael: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!
Michael: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.
Dwight: [with a small fist pump] Yes!
Michael: Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever.
Dwight: [clapping] Best Dundies ever.
Dwight: Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.
Dwight: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. [points] Devon!
Michael: The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello.' [to Ryan] Card!
Oscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like.
Michael: You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-'
Dwight: The waitress tripped on the cord.
Michael: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!
Kevin: [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab.
Michael: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks.
Stanley: You said, we could bring our families.
Michael: I did. And why didn't ya Stanley?
Stanley: I did, my wife's name is Terri.
Michael: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri.
Stanley: It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael.
Michael: [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight.
Dwight: Really? We don't have any girls from HR.
Michael: No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.
Dwight: Yeah?
Michael: And I was about to take her bra off...
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-
Dwight: Like an AIDS test?
Michael: No! [under his breath] God.
Michael: [clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted.
Darryl: Hey let's go to Poor Richard's.
Roy: Yeah, let's get out of here.
Pam: Um...
Michael: Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started.
Pam: Sorry.
Ryan: You staying?
Jim: Yeah, gotta eat somewhere.
Michael: And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts...
Michael: ...the 'Busiest Beaver' award goes to Phyllis Lapin.
Michael: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.
Phyllis: This says 'Bushiest Beaver'.
Michael: What? I told them busiest...idiots.
Phyllis: It's, it's fine.
Michael: Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that.
Pam: ...because that's what happens every time!
Roy: ...talking about? He's a jackass every year.
Pam: No.
Roy: [Put's his hand on Pam's arm] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's.
Pam: [Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to.
Roy: Pam. Go.
Pam: If you would have asked me that, then you would know.
Michael: [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.
Jim: Hey! How are ya? I thought you left?
Pam: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay.
Jim: Oh!
Pam: I'll just get a ride home from Angela.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny.
Michael: Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout.
Pam: [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer] Can I get a drink?
Michael: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office.
Michael: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The 'Hottest in the Office' award goes to... ...Ryan the temp!
Michael: Yeah. [singing to music] 'Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you.' Here you go.
Ryan: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now.
Michael: And the 'Tight Ass' award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down.
Angela: No.
Jim: [Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty.
Pam: No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [laughs]
Jim: Second drink?
Michael: The 'Spicy Curry' award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go.
Kelly: Spicy Curry', what's that mean?
Michael: Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke.
Kelly: Yeah, but why'd you give it to me?
Michael: I don't know, it's just...
Kelly: This is a bowler-
Michael: I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So...
Kelly: Yeah, but everyone else-
Michael: Just sit down Kelly.
Michael: [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go.
Michael: [Michael is singing to the tune of 'Tiny Dancer' by Elton John] 'You have won a tiny Dundie.'
Guy at bar: Sing it Elton.
Michael: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?
Other Guy at Bar: We just came from yo' mama's house.
Michael: Oh, alright, yeah.
Guy At Bar: Sing 'em a song dude.
Michael: Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh...
Michael: [Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-
Guy At Bar: You suck man!
Michael: Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off]
Michael: [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the 'Don't Go in There After Me' award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...
Michael: [give Kevin his award]There you go.
Pam: Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom.
Jim: [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev.
Pam: Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet!
Jim: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going.
Pam: More Dundies!
Pam and Jim: [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!
Everybody: Dundies! Dundies!
Michael: [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year.
Pam: Fine work! Fine work Stanley!
Michael: You know you did.
Pam: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in]
Stanley: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't...
Stanley: So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling]
Michael: And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley...
Michael: ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.
Michael: It is the 'Whitest Sneakers' award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!
Michael: Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go.
Pam: I have so many people to thank for this award.
Pam: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too.
Pam: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie.
Pam: And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
Michael: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you.
Jim: What a great year for the Dundies.
Jim: We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding]
Jim: What?
Pam: Nothing.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: What?
Jim: I don't know, what?
Jim: Oh my God! You are so drunk!
Jim: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on.
Dwight: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.
Jim: He's a volunteer.
Dwight: Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-
Jim: Dwight come on, come-
Dwight: It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt.
Pam: Dwight, get off me!
Employee: I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat.
Dwight: [struggling] Ahh! I can't-
Michael: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.
Pam: Oh my God!
Jim: Whoa.
Pam: I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jim: Whoa.
Jim: Whoa, careful, careful.
Chili's Employee: We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again.
Michael: Great work tonight.
Dwight: Watch your step.
Michael: Excellent.
Dwight: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion.
Michael: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.
Pam: I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.
Jim: No you don't.
Jim: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there.
Pam: Hey, um, can I ask you a question?
Jim: Shoot.
Pam: Um, I just wanted to say thanks.
Jim: Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk.
Jim: Alright.
Pam: Bye.
Jim: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.
Michael: TMI. Too much information. I used to say, 'Don't go there,' but that is so lame now. Or, 'You go, girl.' Or... Um, when did 'Where's the beef?' That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, 'Too much information' probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years.
Toby: Yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie. I am more than okay with that.
Kelly: I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby. Toby is so cute, except he has that stupid kid.
Angela: Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important. We need everyone to get home safely. [sighs] But no one ever gives me gas money, and people live all over. It's expensive.
Dwight: [scoffs] Like a gaggle of geese... [jibbering mockingly]
Michael: All right, we need something for Kevin.
Jim: Mmm-hmmm.
Michael: What do we know about him? He's an accountant.
Jim: He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He's a bowler.
Michael: [talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award.
Jim: Well, you seem to have this under control.
Jim: The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized.
Michael: I am the fat accountant.
Dwight: Michael, I need to talk to you.
Michael: Here he is.
Dwight: I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall.
Michael: Really? What did they say? 'For a good time, call Michael Scott'?
Jim: Good one.
Dwight: Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe.
Michael: Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why...
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: I mean, you just come in and you're just negative...
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: ...and you just walk negatively.
Michael: Do you want me to find out what it says?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: By any means necessary?
Michael: What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about?
Dwight: It's the ladies' room.
Michael: Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy.
Michael: Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael.
Jim: What award would you like to give Dwight?
Michael: I hadn't planned on including him.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Kevin.
Dwight: It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married.
Dwight: Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says.
Angela: I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom.
Dwight: I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael.
Angela: I don't says those kinds of things out loud. It's inappropriate.
Dwight: Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener?
Kevin: I think his characters are pretty funny. Especially Ping.
Michael: Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies?
Kelly: No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters, like last time.
Michael: Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character.
Oscar: I think many people find that character slightly racist.
Michael: Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me.
Oscar: Look, I'm just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits.
Michael: [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care?
Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!
Dwight: No, no, no.
Phyllis: You can't be in here!
Dwight: It's not what you think.
Phyllis: Shut up. You're a freak!
Dwight: I'm on official business.
Phyllis: You are...
Dwight: This is Dunder Mifflin...
Phyllis: I'm telling Michael.
Dwight: No. Phyllis, you're not...
Phyllis: I'm telling Michael.
Dwight: Phyllis, no. No.
Phyllis: Michael, Michael.
Dwight: Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind.
Phyllis: Dwight was in the ladies' room and he was looking at me.
Michael: What?
Dwight: That is not true.
Phyllis: He was looking at me in the ladies' room.
Dwight: That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy.
Michael: Dwight, you've hit a new low here.
Phyllis: That's what I said. He was spying in the ladies' room.
Dwight: What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, 'Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down.' I'm not even attracted to you.
Michael: That is a good point.
Phyllis: Write him up or I'll take it to Jan.
Michael: Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely.
Phyllis: When?
Michael: Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good.
Phyllis: All right.
Dwight: All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. [turns off their computers] Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll.
Michael: Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing?
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?
Dwight: Yeah, you know me.
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?
Dwight: The Dundies!
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies
Dwight: You know me.
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?
Dwight: Yeah, you know me.
Michael: [singing] Yeah, all the homies
Michael: I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head]
Kevin: So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get 'longest engagement' this year.
Roy: Well. You're not goona get longest engagement, man, 'cause we got that locked up.
Kevin: I wonder what I'll get. I brought my fiance.
Michael: All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight.
Toby: I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award.
Michael: He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it?
Toby: Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on.
Michael: [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby.
Toby: It wasn't a vote. You decided.
Michael: Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it.
Toby: Okay, that is not true.
Michael: Yes, it is true.
Toby: Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you.
Michael: Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade...
Dwight: Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes.
Waitress: We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino...
Dwight: No, no. No margarita. Hot sake.
Waitress: [shakes head 'no']
Dwight: Fosters in the big can.
Waitress: [shakes head 'no' again]
Dwight: Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles.
Dwight: Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still.
Pam: I am fine.
Jim: Dwight, this is crazy.
Pam: Okay.
Dwight: Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move.
Jim: Dwight, Dwight.
Dwight: I'm sorry.
Pam: [laughing] I am fine.
Dwight: Jim, don't interfere.
Manager: You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Dwight: Can you give me a second, sir.
Manager: No!
Pam: Dwight, let me up.
Manager: Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now.
Dwight: I am a Sheriff's Deputy.
Manager: That's fine.
Dwight: I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested.
Jim: The other volunteers.
Dwight: Pam, are you all right?
Pam: I'm fine.
Manager: Sir, sir.
Dwight: How many fingers am I holding up?
Pam: You're holding up three fingers.
Dwight: All right. Are you okay?
Manager: Put your clothes on, right now.
Dwight: I will. I will. You need to calm down.
Manager: Right now.
Michael: Don't wanna forget that.
Manager: You and your party really need to leave right now.
Michael: Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's?
Manager: You know what? Don't worry about it.
Michael: Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year.
Manager: That's fine.


Michael: [clears throat] Hey, what's up?
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Any emails today?
Jim: Um... I don't think so.
Michael: No? Um... Check your spam folder.
Jim: Oh! There it is!
Michael: What?
Jim: Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'
Michael: [laughs uncontrollably]
Jim: Well done.
Michael: Kay.
Jim: Topical.
Michael: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.
Dwight: So the monkey does the sex thing right here! [monkey noises in background]
Michael: That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational.
Dwight: Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Michael: Um, I...
Dwight: Consider it?
Michael: Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey!
Todd Packer: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy!
Michael: Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!
Todd Packer: [makes laser gun noises]
Michael: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Todd Packer: bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert?
Michael: Uh oh.
Todd Packer: Still queer?
Michael: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
Michael: Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So...
Michael: Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Todd Packer: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.
Michael: Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!
Todd Packer: We're talking blonde incompetent.
Michael: Oh, yeah.
Todd Packer: Like 10 words a minute... talking.
Michael: Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd Packer: They are women, right?
Michael: Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!
Todd Packer: I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
Michael: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.
Jim: Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points at self] This guy!
Todd Packer: Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?
Michael: Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um... Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise]
Todd Packer: [to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let's go.
Michael: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: Except pass that breathalyzer.
Ryan: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
Kevin's computer: [monkey noises]
Jim: I'm really excited to meet your Mom.
Pam: You are?
Pam: My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.
Pam: I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: mmhmm.
Jim: Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam: Oh really?
Jim: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?
Michael: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. 'Old School'.
Toby: Michael?
Michael: Yes, Toby?
Toby: Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.
Michael: Um... literally two seconds?
Michael: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.
Toby: The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.
Michael: No, no, Toby. No.
Toby: It's really not a big deal, Michael.
Michael: It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
Toby: And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer...
Michael: What?
Toby: Just to refresh you... .
Michael: NO!
Toby: on our policy.
Michael: What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?
Toby: Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.
Michael: Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away.
Toby: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.
Michael: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
Michael: A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says 'Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?' This is what's at stake.
Michael: Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. [to Warehouse guys] Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?
Darryl: Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?
Michael: Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
Darryl: Well, [points at Michael] those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?
Roy: Boys R Us!
Warehouse Guy: Oh!
Michael: Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.
Darryl: Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
Michael: Oooh, okay. That was still about me.
Roy: Hey, hey, hey.
Michael: What?
Roy: So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad.
Michael: I don't feel bad.
Darryl: [fake whispers to Roy] I think he feels bad.
Michael: No, I don't.
Roy: You look like you feel bad.
Michael: Okay.
Roy: Little package!
Michael: Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.
Warehouse guy: Little package! Little package!
Michael: Thank you.
Roy: You look good.
Darryl: Hiding from his momma.
Warehouse guys: [kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds]
Toby: So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam?
Pam: Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today.
Kevin: MILF!
Pam: Thanks, Kevin.
Pam: Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.
Pam: She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.
Toby: Great point.
Pam: Thank you.
Toby: Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.
Michael: Hi, is it over?
Toby: Uh, yes!
Michael: No.
Toby: I can go over it with you.
Michael: I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.
Toby: It's over.
Michael: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?
Angela: Email forwards.
Michael: Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Angela: I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck.
Michael: Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?
Stanley: That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now.
Meredith: Um... what about office romance?
Toby: Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
Phyllis: All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?
Michael: I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.
Dwight: Yeah, Meredith.
Michael: No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: She would have definitely slept with me.
Kevin: She wasn't that hot.
Michael: Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!
Toby: Ok, you know, Michael...
Jim: I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it.
Michael: What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her 'partner' in to work? [to Toby] Would that be crossing the line?
Toby: No.
Michael: What if they made out? In front of everybody?
Toby: Well, that would be...
Michael: At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Toby: Okay, I'm lost.
Michael: Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam?
Video: [Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace]
Michael: I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?
Jim: No, thanks. I'm good.
Michael: That's what she said. Pam?
Pam: Uh... my mother's coming.
Michael: That's what she sai [clears throat] Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.
Dwight: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby: Sure.
Dwight: Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
Toby: Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.
Dwight: Good. Good. And...
Toby: I should get back to work.
Dwight: Okay.
Man in Video: In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?'
Video: [Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead]
Roy: Natural redhead.
Actor: Hey, Rach.
Redheaded Actress: Hey, Joe. Mike.
Actor: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?
Darryl: Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. [pointing at Redheaded Actress] I banged this girl right here. This is...
Roy: That's her?
Darryl: Yes, this is the one.
Roy: No!
Darryl: You remember? Yes!
Roy: At the party?
Warehouse guy: You banged her?
Darryl: Yes! [to video screen] Right here. You are a naughty girl!
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.
Jan: [to cell phone] Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. [to Pam] Hi.
Michael: Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.
Todd Packer: Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour.
Pam: I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks.
Todd Packer: Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably.
Michael: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Mr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes.
Michael: Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.
Michael: When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.
Jan: You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem?
Michael: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.
Jan: Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything.
Michael: Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.
Jan: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?
Michael: No, I've seen the video.
Toby: [to Jan] He talked the whole time.
Michael: No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll]
Michael: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include 'That's What She Said'?
Michael: Mmmhmm. Yes.
Jim: Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jan: Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael: [laughing] Come on.
Jan: Michael, please.
Todd Packer: There he is.
Michael: Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]
Todd Packer: There he is. Good one.
Michael: You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.
Jan: Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.
Michael: It's... That's...
Jan: That's not my sense of humor.
Michael: Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.
Jan: Wha...
Michael: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
Albiny: [to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
Michael: This guy does it all.
Jan: [to Albiny] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.
Michael: What?
Jan: Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.
Michael: So I'm not in trouble?
Michael: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.
Michael: Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so...
Albiny: Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.
Michael: I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
Pam's Mom: Um... hello.
Pam: [ecstatic] Oh my god!
Pam's Mom: Finally made it!
Pam: Hello!
Pam: I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever.
Pam's Mom: This is all yours?
Pam: Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area.
Pam's Mom: Oh, my goodness. That's great.
Todd Packer: So a guy goes home, tells his wife, 'Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery.' She goes, 'Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?' He goes, 'I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!' [men laugh] Boom!
Pam: This is where I used to keep my computer.
Pam's Mom: Oh, right! I remember...
Pam: But then I moved it.
Pam's Mom: with the picture.
Pam: Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So...
Pam's Mom: Sure.
Pam: So this is like, um, an organization station...
Pam's Mom: [to Roy] Oooooh!
Pam: Hey!
Pam's Mom: Well, there he is!
Roy: How are ya?
Pam's Mom: Hi, handsome!
Roy: You look great!
Pam's Mom: Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?
Pam: Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.
Pam's Mom: Oh, I don't believe that.
Roy: Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?
Pam's Mom: Oh, anything is fine.
Roy: All right, I'll see ya.
Pam's Mom: So which one is Jim?
Pam: Mom!
Pam's Mom: I just wanted to know.
Pam: No.
Pam's Mom: All right. Okay.
Pam: Ten minutes.
Pam's Mom: Okay.
Pam: Then we can go to dinner.
Pam's Mom: I'll make myself busy.
Todd Packer: There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... [points at Phyllis]
Kevin: Phyllis?
Michael: No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.
Todd Packer: Ex-squeeze me?
Michael: Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.
Kevin: Packer said it.
Michael: No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael: I don't know about that.
Phyllis: We're in the same High School class.
Michael: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Kevin: You mean where my desk is?
Michael: Yes, your corner. Go.
Kevin: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.
Michael: Mmmhmmm.
Todd Packer: Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?
Michael: They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on.
Phyllis: Michael! Come on!
Michael: Oooh!
Phyllis: You don't have to worry. I'm not going to...
Michael: I'm not worried.
Phyllis: ...report you to HR.
Michael: You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.
Michael: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
Pam: He said what?
Michael: Good morning, Pam.
Pam: Good morning, Michael.
Michael: What's going on?
Pam: Nothing. You look nice today.
Michael: What?
Pam: You look real thin.
Michael: I don't get what you mean.
Pam: You just... You look good. Your shirt looks... You look real good.
Michael: Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or... [laughing]
Pam: Thin handsome, Michael.
Michael: Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing]
Dwight: Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. [Jim takes a drink] Well, you're an idiot.
Jim: What can I say, Dwight, I live a very dangerous life.
Kevin: [Email chiming] [snickers] Did you see that?
Oscar: I saw it.
Kevin: You can see her...
Angela: It's fake.
Kevin: How do you know?
Angela: She wouldn't do that. She's a Senator.
Michael: Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that?
Pam: We're not dating.
Michael: No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating...
Pam: We're not dating, I'm engaged.
Michael: Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out.
Pam: I would say no.
Michael: You say yes, and we go out.
Pam: I would drown myself.
Michael: And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby.
Michael: Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, 'Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason.' I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: I know we're having that harassment thing this afternoon.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Sometimes when we IM, I send you that little winking face with the lipstick.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Yeah. I realize that might be harassment.
Jim: Yes, it is harassment and I'm going to be suing the winking face. I've hired the angry face as my lawyer and you will be hearing from him pretty soon.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Okay. [IM chiming] [laughing]