Pam: [on the phone] Well, I should go.
Jim: Alright. I'll tell everybody here that you say hi.
Pam: No, don't. I'm mad at them.
Jim: Why, what happened?
Pam: Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement.
Jim: Ah. That... they might be off the hook for because I... didn't tell them.
Pam: What? Why not?
Jim: I just didn't, you know, want a deal.
Pam: Come on, it won't be that bad.
Jim: OK. You know what? Here we go. [stands up] Uh, everybody? I just want to make an announcement. Pam and I are engaged.
Pam: [speakerphone] Hi everyone!
Oscar: I thought you were already engaged.
Jim: Nope.
Angela: That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.
Jim: Thank you Angela.
Kevin: I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?
Jim: Yes.
Andy: A little close to my engagement there Tuna, what's your game here?
Jim: To get married.
Dwight: [raises hand] She's not a virgin, you know.
Pam: Wow.
Michael: [walking in] What's going on?
Pam: No, nothing. Nothing Michael! Just saying hi. [Michael waves 'hi' at the phone]
Creed: The tall guy got engaged.
Michael: [to Jim] To be married?
Jim: Yep. [Michael hugs/tackles Jim]
Pam: Sorry.
Holly: Pencils down! [Dwight quickly puts his pencil down] Just kidding, take your time.
Holly: Today is ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be insaaaaane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder.
Dwight: [trying to assist Michael, who is trying to press play on a CD player] I got it, I got it. [Olivia Newton-John's 'Let's Get Physical' starts to play as Holly and Michael jog into the meeting room, dancing]
Michael & Holly: Let's get ethical! Ethical! I wanna get ethical! Let's get into Ethics yeah! Let me hear that Dunder Mifflin talk! Your body talk. Let me hear your body talk.
Michael: WOO! Alright!
Michael: Why are you helping her? You're not even dating.' She's my friend... and... ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship... without her even knowing. Uh...
Michael: Ok, let's give it for Miss... Holly Flaaaax! [everyone claps]
Holly: Thanks Michael. [Michael groans exhaustingly] Today we're going to have a business ethics seminar because recently, without mentioning any names, there has been some misconduct at corporate and we have a very strict ethics policy and that employee has been fired.
Kevin: Oh come on! He's right there. [points at Ryan] He was hired. [to Jim] Oh check it out, 'Hired Guy.'
Jim: Nice. [they bump fists]
Ryan: Ok, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor season six? [Dwight raises his hand] Anyone know Joanna on that show? [Dwight nods] In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable. So...
Michael: [clapping] Ok. Well done. Good speech Ryan, you're a good guy.
Holly: Let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree. But ideally you would have selected totally agree.
Phyllis: I thought very strongly agree sounded stronger than totally agree.
Holly: Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally you would all totally agree with that statement.
Michael: Well, I think we can all totally agree that Holly is totally fantastic. [claps]
Holly: Thank you. In fact, spending a half hour at the water cooler during work hours is a form of stealing.
Kelly: What?
Holly: Yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over the line time wasters?
Stanley: This meeting.
Andy: Hey-oh!
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: [to Holly] Can't set 'em up like that.
Kelly: Why is ok for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care.
Meredith: I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse.
Holly: Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about.
Michael: Can we have a moment? [whispering] Can I talk to you for a sec? Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic.
Dight: Michael.
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: What should we be working on while you guys are talking?
Michael: Do some... do some work. [whispering to Holly] People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists. Surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan.
Holly: Well, I just have to get through the binder.
Michael: Do you... just... you're kind of losing them.
Holly: I am?
Micheal: Yeah, don't think about the stakes. It'll freak you out.
Holly: Ok. [to everyone] Michael makes a really good point so, uh, let's just open this up a little bit. Say my name is Lauren and here I am shopping in a supermarket and I steal a pencil. That's not right.
Michael: [coughs to hide his words] Lauren, [coughs] enough with the pencils.
Holly: No, I have to go over pencils and office supplies. It's part of the ethics thing.
Oscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.
Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ... Boom!
Oscar: Exactly, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy,
Dwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
Andy: No that's... not how it works.
Michael: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.
Holly: Ok, but we should get back to business. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace.
Michael: Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar, come on.
Oscar: Pass.
Michael: I will go first. When I discovered
Holly: What was the dilemma?
Michael: To tell you or not. And I'm glad I did. I feel very very good. Cathartic. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.
Holly: Oh- no no no.
Michael: Yeah, [interrupting gibberish]. Come on, anybody. Let it fly.
Oscar: Ok, once in a while I'll take a long lunch.
Michael: A siesta!
Dwight: Time thief. Time thief! Fire him!
Jim: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Dwight: Never!
Michael: You are a thief of joy. Anybody else. Yeah?
Kelly: Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer.
Michael: Who hasn't? Good. Good! What else?
Holly: No- I, I'd like to hear more about that.
Michael: Mmm...
Angela: I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it.
Michael: Well, let's keep this party movin' on.
Meredith: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Meyers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill?
Michael: Bruuuuuuuuuce.
Meredith: Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.
Jim: Jackpot.
Michael: Ach! Wuh-
Holly: Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods.
Meredith: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?
Michael: That's crazy. That's crazy talk! Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? [checks watch] You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right... what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is... unknowable. But, let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work. [everyone applauds, then leaves] [to Holly] Great job. I am truly impressed. That, uh, you really pulled that one out. Classic. Classic meeting. We should celebrate.
Holly: Michael, there is some serious issues with Meredith.
Michael: Oh...
Holly: I mean all of you have done things I wouldn't have done myself but Meredith's actions are really over the line.
Micheal: Nnyeah. What ya gonna do?
Holly: So, regarding this supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been?
Meredith: Liaisons, you mean meet-ups? I don't know, once a month for six years. Something like that.
Michael: Meredith, why don't you tell Holly... it's not what she thinks. Nothing unethical happened... and that you just like to sleep around.
Meredith: Am I in trouble here or something?
Michael: No... no, this is just a stupid formality.
Holly: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these, um, meet-ups just personal? Unrelated to business?
Meredith: Nah, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.
Micheal: Ughh! For the love of God we're trying to help you... stupid bag.
Holly: What I don't understand is... why the steak coupons? I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper?
Meredith: Well it's funny. Maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, and he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. [Holly begins to write in her notebook] Hey what's going on here? I thought I had immunity?
Holly: Well unfortunately immunity or something being off the record does not really exist in the workplace. I mean I've never heard of anyone who's kept their job after something like this.
Meredith: Well... I'm not quitting.
Jim: [starts a stopwatch as Dwight yawns, stops it when Dwight is done] Yawn. Four seconds.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Jim: Oh you had said that you don't do anything personal during work time so... I'm just making sure.
Dwight: Oh, so wait a minute, you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. [Jim smiles and starts the stopwatch] Really? [in a mocking voice] Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch everybody! He's ti- [Dwight conceeds and goes back to work, Jim stops the watch]
Jim: Personal conversation. Seventeen seconds.
Dwight: There is no way that that was- [Jim starts the watch]
Jim: [stops the watch] One second.
Michael: Well, well. Holly... lujah! It's a miracle, you're at your desk.
Holly: It's Mike-raculous.
Michael: Hoo-ooh! Reaching! You'll get there. Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two attractive, good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can't, you know, just... sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out.
Holly: Sounds good.
Michael: Good. Would you care to bang it out over lunch?
Holly: Oh I already bought this...
Michael: Oh no, no, no. Your food is no good here, my lady. [sweeps her food into the trash can, misses] Sorry! You know what? Let's go out! Dunder Mifflin's treat. Um, actually you're not a client... so... we'll just split it? Ethical.
Holly: So, I've gone over corporate policy.
Michael: What do you think? What do you think of this place?
Holly: Oh, it's very nice.
Michael: Istn't it? Yeah, it's kind of... business/romantic. So you're from Des Moines?
Holly: Mmm.
Michael: Wow, that sounds so... warm.
Holly: In Summer.
Michael: Here too. You know what my favorite season is?
Holly: Maybe we should talk about Meredith first.
Michael: Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way. Autumn was what I was going to say. When the leaves change. It's just, I... I think it is the most contemplative of seasons.
Holly: Ok, so I have gone over this and I have thought about it and I just don't think there is any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated.
Michael: Wow, terminator, terminator.
Holly: I'm from da future.
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Hey, Andy.
Andy: Yo.
Jim: By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?
Andy: No, I did not. Was that any good?
Jim: Actually not. It was really so-so.
Dwight: Ok. [Dwight turns around, but Jim holds up the stopwatch, threatening to start it]
Jim: I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff. You know, like klingons and wookies and all that but... [Dwight begins to turn around again, Jim holds up the watch] Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?
Andy: Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?
Jim: You know, it's weird. It's practically a shot for shot remake.
Andy: Really? [Dwight closes his eyes, clutches the paper in his hands] Huh, that's cool.
Jim: Story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Andy: Really? That doesn't sound right.
Michael: I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home? And Meredith needs this job. This is her main source of money.
Holly: Well, that's very sweet but we have to follow the protocol. Those are the rules.
Michael: Ok, new idea. We don't report it at all. We just punish her.
Holly: We punish her?
Michael: Mmhmm, tell her she can't have sex for six months.
Holly: I don't think we could enforce that.
Michael: I don't know. I saw this thing, like a belt with a key.
Holly: A chastity belt.
Michael: No, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes like made of, sometimes they are made of metal. You know what I am talking about. You unlock a little door that... down... where you, where you put, where you put the...
Jim: He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I have been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.
Michael: I am just saying that I don't think that you understand what I am saying.
Holly: No, you are saying that we should sweep it under the carpet, accept the discount on supplies, not fire Meredith and pretend like the whole thing never happened.
Michael: Yes.
Holly: What am I saying?
Michael: Well... bleh busted. I don't...
Holly: I'm saying that her behavior is unethical and a little icky and I don't think I want to work in an environment where that sort of conduct is tolerated.
Michael: Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you are part of a family.
Holly: It's not a family. It's a workplace.
Michael: I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don't want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers. [throws Holly's leftovers in the trash]
Jim: [Dwight walks back to his desk] 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds?
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: So I guess I can assume that was personal.
Dwight: [Dwight stares at Angela, buttoning the top button of her blouse] Fine.
Jim: So maybe you're not completely ethical after all.
Dwight: Yes, maybe I'm not. [Dwight grins and gives a sly look at the camera]
Holly: It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over.
Ryan: Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in too.
Michael: What's the only thing worse than one HR rep?
Ryan: Two HR reps.
Michael: You get me.
Holly: Can I sit?
Michael: I don't know. Can you? Kendall, my main man.
Kendall: [on speakerphone] Listen, Holly, Michael, I just got the report that your branch submitted and there's a lot of stuff about a relationship Meredith is having with..
Holly: Yes, that came out during the ethics seminar.
Michael: Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar.
Kendall: Well, I'm not sure these circumstances warrant any action.
Holly: Oh, I think it is pretty clear that it was unethical.
Kendall: Well, from what I can gather it seems like a gray area. Look, to be honest the company is getting a discount at a tough time in our balance sheet and I don't know that the right thing to do for the company is to turn our noses up at that.
Holly: Umm, Kendall, I understand that the discount is good for the company but I'm just not happy about the way we are getting it.
Kendall: I thought it was clear with you, Holly. Your task was to get signatures from the employees showing that they completed the training.
Holly: No, I understand.
Kendall: Every other branch has managed to get this to us so if it's not something you can handle then that's a different discussion.
Holly: No. I can do it.
Kendall: Good.
Michael: How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, 'I told you so.' Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? ... Probably the funny way.
Holly: Can I have everyone's attention? Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention, please. We need to finish the ethics seminar.
Andy: No way, lady.
Kevin: It's a trap.
Holly: Everyone, please, I just need your signatures to show corporate that I gave you the training.
Meredith: Don't sign anything.
Michael: Ok, everybody listen up. If you are not in that conference room in two minutes I am going to kill you.
Stanley: It's a quarter to five and I have started to gather my things.
Michael: Get in there right now or I'm gonna lose it! [everyone gets up to go in the conference room]
Meredith: Am I getting fired?
Michael: Now is really not the time, Meredith.
Holly: In this next section we examine the difference between sick days and personal days. Sick days are only to be used when an illness precludes you form doing your job or can spread to your coworkers. Personal days, on the other hand, are much more flexible.
Phyllis: Thank you, Meredith, this was delicious.
Meredith: Hey, where is the steak sauce?
Kevin: I think we're out.
Meredith: I got some in my minivan somewhere.
Andy: Wait a second, how does the steak factor in again?
Kevin: I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash.
Phyllis: I don't care what she's doing. I just hope she keeps doing it.
Stanley: Amen. Just keep the ribs coming.
Holly: Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about.
Oscar: That's a big ethical area?
Oscar: Listen, I would love to have an honest conversation with management about ethics. Why isn't the company doing better? Mmm... it could be the pad of Post-its I took home last week. Or it could be the twelve million dollars in deferred compensation in stock options they paid the CEO for a year of substandard performance. I'm sure we'll cover both in the seminar.
Creed: I've done some things I'm not proud of. Committed some atrocities in Vietnam, uh, two years ago. Princess Cruise Lines.
Phyllis: During our honeymoon safari in Africa, Bob and I were driving late at night, and he'd been drinking, and suddenly thump. We hit something with our jeep. It was probably a man. We didn't know what to do. We heard the police were corrupt and they might beat us, so we just kept driving as fast as we could. We bribed the airline, got on a plane that night, and fled home. Maybe it was just an ostrich. In a soccer uniform.
Holly: Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the work place?
Michael: Let's keep this rollin'... Ryan?
Jim: Oh, but you mean other than embezzling?
Ryan: Fraud, Jim, Fraud.
Jim: Fraud.
Ryan: Sure, last year you guys were riding me really hard for the website and I just peeled out my Z3 and I knocked the mirror off somebody's car. I never said a thing.
Kevin: Wait, what?
Kevin: You knocked the mirror off of my car.
Ryan: Yeah, isn't that messed up?
Kevin: Yeah.
Ryan: That guy did a lot of things I'm not proud of.
Kevin: Wait, when you say 'that guy', you mean you?
Ryan: I mean the guy I used to be. I'm Ryan 2.0 and if it makes you feel any better, that guy did a lot of messed up stuff to me too. [tries to walk away]
Kevin: No, you mean that you did a lot of messed up stuff to you... too?
Ryan: Look, I feel you okay? That guy took no responsibility for his actions.
Kevin: But are, are you gonna pay for my mirror?
Ryan: If I have to answer for everything that guy did... [shakes head] I'm never gonna move on.
Kevin: It was like two hundred dollars.
Ryan: We're never going to get what need from that guy. [still shaking head, pats Kevin on the shoulder and walks out of the kitchen]
Ryan: Hey, anybody see a pair of sunglasses?
Kevin: Umm... I think I saw some in the kitchen. [toaster oven bell rings, Ryan opens it as smoke rolls out and he see's his melted sunglasses on the tray, Ryan takes cooked sunglasses to Kevin] Oh! I didn't do that. That was Kevin 1.0, but he hurt a lot of people Ryan, and I can't accept responsibility for what he did. [Ryan walks away and throws his sunglasses in the trash, Kevin smiles]
Meredith: What are we gonna do?
Stanley: About what?
Meredith: Holly. She's on the warpath. She is gunning for all our jobs. Do you guys have any dirt on her?
Phyllis: Mmm... sometimes her stockings have a run in them.
Meredith: No. Something I can blackmail her with.
Phyllis: One time I said good morning to her, and she didn't say it back.
Meredith: Stanley, didn't she say a bunch of racist stuff to you?
Stanley: No, that was you.
Meredith: You weren't even in the room! Thanks for nothing.
Meredith: Hey, how did it go?
Michael: Oh, cr..., oh, God. Meredith, you know what? I just need a minute, okay?
Meredith: Okay. [remains sitting]
Michael: What do you need?
Meredith: I'm getting fired, aren't I? I can't get fired. I got nothing else. Nothing. No skill set. Can't type, bad on the phone, not great with people.
Michael: I... really want to keep you.
Meredith: Where else am I gonna get another job that lets me come it at eleven and leave at four?
Michael: Wait, what?
Meredith: I wish Toby was still here.
Michael: Nnnngah!


Dwight: [looking pregnant] Hey Michael?
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: Contractions are coming every ten minutes.
Michael: OK, just remember to keep breathing.
Dwight: My cervix is ripening.
Michael: OK, good.
Jim: [drawing two family trees on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through [draws a question mark] delusion.
Dwight: Michael! My water's breaking!
Michael: Oh, OK! OK!
Dwight: Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?
Michael: I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
Dwight: Right. Highways or surface roads?
Michael: I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
Dwight: No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!
Michael: I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby.
Dwight: It's about adapting to the circumstances.
Michael: [annoyed] Andy, would you like to have my baby?
Andy: Yes! Yeah. [squatting and pushing] Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!
Dwight: No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! [runs into Michael's office]
Michael: All right, OK. [to Andy] Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!
Dwight: The pressure! The pressure!
Michael: Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.
Dwight: Aaaaaaaa!
Michael: Aaaaaaaa!
Dwight: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Michael: Just keep pushing...
Dwight: [lying on Michael's desk] Hold me!
Michael: I'm right here.
Dwight: Cradle my head!
Michael: I'm right here, I'm right here.
Dwight: I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!
Michael: [annoyed] All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe.
Dwight: Numb me up. I want anesthesia!
Michael: Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late.
Dwight: No! I don't want natural!
Michael: No. You have to just push it out!
Dwight: OK!
Michael: Keep simulating.
Dwight: Aaaaaaaa!
Michael: OK!
Dwight: Do you have the Sharpie?!
Michael: Keep simulating.
Dwight: Do you have the Sharpie?!
Michael: Yes, I do!
Dwight: OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.
Michael: OK.
Dwight: Ready?!
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Aaaaaaaa!
Michael: Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! [drops the watermelon onto the floor] Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?
Dwight: Butter. Newborns are slippery.
Michael: Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.
Michael: [eating the watermelon] It is going to be the happiest day of my life. [Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly]
Michael: Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?
Phyllis: No.
Michael: Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. [more softly] Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?
Angela: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name 'Chevy.' And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name 'Astird.'
Phyllis: That can't be right.
Angela: Michael wrote down 'Astird.'
Michael: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Meredith: Ass...turd.
Michael: I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?
Michael: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens.
Phyllis: Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Kevin: But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Phyllis: I know, Kevin.
Oscar: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Phyllis: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.
Phyllis: I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.
Michael: [banging on the glass] Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
Phyllis: Sorry.
Michael: Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. [Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump] Pump it!
Pam: [on phone] So you know Stacy, right?
Jim: Right, the one from England.
Pam: There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages.
Jim: Oh. Right, that style.
Pam: So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab.
Jim: OK...
Pam: Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.
Jim: Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Pam: No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres.
Jim: OK.
Pam: So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, 'No way. You can't reserve seats.' And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.
Jim: [clearly just humoring her] No... way!
Pam: Yes!
Jim: Ha ha. That's hilarious?
Pam: No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested.
Jim: Who, Stacy?
Pam: No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?
Jim: Uh...
Pam: Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. [hangs up]
Jim: OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] That was a good story.
Dwight: Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?
Andy: Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?
Angela: It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.
Andy: Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?
Angela: That's Phyllis.
Andy: Well -
Angela: Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.
Andy: Why would that make me a pervert, I -
Angela: Well, it does. That's me.
Andy: That's not you.
Angela: Yes it is.
Andy: That's mean, come on, that's - [Angela storms out]
Michael: Ahoy, matey.
Holly: Ahoy.
Michael: Ahoy. So, how you doin'?
Holly: Good.
Michael: Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
Holly: Of course. Yeah.
Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
Jim: [Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller] Jan.
Jan: Hi, Jim!
Jim: What do we have here?
Jan: This is my baby.
Jim: Really...
Dwight: Oh no... [Michael enters and notices Jan's baby]
Dwight: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.
Michael: So this is Astird.
Jan: Astrid.
Michael: Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me?
Jan: Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-
Michael: I could have helped.
Jan: And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so...
Michael: Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.
Jan: OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's...
Michael: No, I don't!
Jan: I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet.
Michael: Can I hold her?
Jan: Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah.
Michael: [cradling the car seat awkwardly] All right, OK.
Michael: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.
Michael: [carrying the car seat] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...
Jan: trid.
Michael: ...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.
Jan: Well...
Michael: [looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. [lifting the car seat high above his head] Lion King!
Jan: Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that.
Michael: OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop.
Holly: You OK? You seem kind of...
Michael: [sees Jan sizing up Holly] I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.
Michael: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Kevin: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael: Uh, duh.
Kevin: So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them.
Michael: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do.
Kevin: OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?
Michael: All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. [holding a memo pad] I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.
Jan: Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
Michael: Whatta we got?
Angela: Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller.
Michael: Oh!
Jan: Thank you.
Michael: She already has a stroller.
Kelly: And this is way worse than the stroller she came with.
Oscar: She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller.
Dwight: Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.
Michael: OK, what else?
Dwight: Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. [straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator]
Jan: [singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' to Astrid] Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one...
Pam: Hey you!
Jim: [on phone] Hey! You busy?
Pam: Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month.
Jim: OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' and everyone's just staring at her.
Pam: I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going-
Jim: The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes!
Pam: I can't hear anything!
Jim: Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later.
Pam: OK.
Pam: I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick.
Jan: [now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep] How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one...
Dwight: [heaving the stroller into a tire yard] Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!
Dwight: [throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence] Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!
Dwight: [tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires] Playtime is over!
Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
Jan: Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing.
Angela: You gave birth in a tub?
Jan: Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.
Kelly: Um, so you're in the tub with everything?
Jan: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah.
Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed: Ugh.
Stanley: I'm done.
Oscar: Me too.
Jan: And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. [everyone starts leaving]
Michael: Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this.
Michael: I could have helped.
Jan: You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?
Michael: [smiling] Uh, yeah.
Jan: All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty.
Michael: [voiceover] I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged.
Michael: Phyllis? Could you take-.
Michael: Hey guys.
Darryl: What's up, Mike?
Michael: Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Darryl: You a baby daddy?
Michael: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
Darryl: Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.
Michael: I just saw this baby daddy-
Darryl: You should stop calling yourself 'baby daddy.'
Michael: Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Darryl: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.
Michael: Well-
Darryl: You feel connected to his baby over there?
Michael: It's- that's different.
Darryl: You feel connected to this? [hold up his back brace]
Michael: That's not a baby.
Darryl: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?
Michael: [sighs] Could I?
Darryl: No.
Jan: [wakes up on the reception couch] Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep.
Holly: I can imagine.
Jan: Where's Astrid?
Holly: Oh, I think she's on a sales call.
Jan: On a what?
Holly: Waaa! More paper! Waaa! [she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed] No, she's just on a coffee break.
Jan: [sarcastically] That's funny.
Holly: She's with Angela.
Angela: [with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table] That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready?
Andy: OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!
Angela: Now. Come on, up here!
Andy: Look up here!
Angela: Your hand's in it.
Andy: What? Sorry.
Angela: Yeah, that's a good one.
Jan: What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me.
Andy: We're taking a picture.
Jan: [picking up Astrid] There you are.
Andy: She's nature's bounty.
Jan: You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that?
Jan: Michael, I need your help.
Michael: [sees Holly behind Jan] I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.
Jan: Uh... come on.
Dwight: I like to call this... the bumper test. [drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times]
Michael: Sure you can't stay a little longer?
Jan: Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go.
Michael: All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving.
Jan: You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with?
Dwight: Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.
Jan: Ah. Thanks, Dwight.
Jan: OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me.
Michael: OK?
Jan: Don't date Holly.
Michael: Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine.
Jan: Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon.
Michael: All right.
Jan: OK.
Holly: You still gonna be mean to me?
Michael: [just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles] You wanna go out?
Holly: Yes.
Michael: I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.
Jim: [on voicemail] Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message.
Pam: Hi.
Pam: [on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time] Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message.
Jim: [walking to his car] Hey, it's me. It is 5:03.
Pam: I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but...
Jim: You must be out or something.
Pam: I'll leave a message.
Jim: Is it me, or are we just a little off today?
Pam: I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better.
Jim: Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.
Pam: I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.
Jim: Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?
Pam: And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?
Jim: Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe.
Pam: You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home.
Jim: Wish you were home. Uh, anyway...
Pam: Anyway, um... I miss you.
Jim: I miss you.
Angela: All right, how about we play the game where we guess how big the mother's belly is?
Michael: Oh! OK!
Jan: Well...
Angela: How many squares of toilet paper go around the waist?
Kevin: Does that mean there's no toilet paper in the bathroom?
Angela: Kevin, relax.
Jan: OK, you know what, I don't think I need to do this one, because I only gained twelve pounds and I'm just going to get rid of all of that, so...
Michael: Seventeen. I say seventeen squares.
Jan: OK, give me the roll. I'll do it.
Michael: Do the boobs!
Jan: Yeah, we're not doing my boobs, Michael. OK, seven, someone give me the prize. [to Astrid] Oh, it's OK...
Holly: Did she really just have a baby? She's so beautiful.
Jim: Oh yeah. Wait 'til you get to know her better though.
Michael: Hey! HR lady, stop whispering in the corner please. Very rude. You're ruining the party.
Holly: I'm starting to get a feeling for what life was like around here for Toby.
Toby: [on the phone] It was terrible.
Holly: I know.
Toby: I prefer being stuck in a Costa Rican hospital.
Holly: Really?
Toby: Not really.
Kevin: Hey Jan, you went to a sperm bank?
Jan: Uh, yes, I did.
Kevin: I donated sperm.
Jan: Oh.
Kevin: Maybe I'm the father.
Jan: Well, this is a highly exclusive establishment.
Kevin: Next to the IHOP?
Jan: Well, I paid for an ideal specimen.
Oscar: Are you saying Kevin is not an ideal specimen?
Jan: This is a wonderful shower, everyone. Thank you.
Kevin: [to camera] I might have done it with Jan!
Jan: It's not Kevin's child. Can't possibly be. I mean, I don't know what I would do. Sue... icide?
Jan: [Jan nurses Astrid with her top down, office workers try to work] Okay, 'Stridly, you want to try the other side? Okay, here we go. That's good. Oh, good job.
Kevin: Jan? What's new?
Jan: You know what, Kevin? Why don't you just go ahead and stare? Because, you know, it's, it's fine with me. I mean, this is sooo natural, and so beautiful, and...
Kevin: Seriously? You're okay with that?
Jan: Of course. I mean, there's nothing erotic about this, you know, it's, it's, it's what these [shakes a breast] were made for, you know, I mean they're full of baby milk, they're... nourishing my baby, so... [tosses head proudly, Creed comes up to stand next to Kevin, staring directly at Jan's chest] Michael!
Dwight: Hello, spoiled little baby, [to a watermelon] in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it's as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let's see what happens... [lets it go, it flies off the curb, stays upright, and stops safely] Inconclusive. [pushes it out into the street, it rolls to a stop] Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home.
Dwight: Not so weak, huh, Mom?
Dwight: Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. [runs with stroller] Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can't control the stroller any longer [forcefully pushes stroller away toward uneven ground with junk strewn around, the stroller hits some junk, stays upright, and stops safely]
Dwight: Let's see what this baby can do... [drives car fast, holding stroller alongside the car, stroller remains fine] Aaaah! Aa-aaah! [throws it ahead of the car, it goes for a while and then is stopping] It's a hardy stroller. [takes watermelon out of stroller, holds it up to show camera] Maybe it's safe!


Receptionist: Pam, line three.
Pam: Okay, thanks.
Pam: New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.
Pam: Hey.
Michael [on phone]: Paaam-o-laaaaaa...
Pam: Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.
Pam: Hey Michael.
Michael [on phone]: Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much.
Michael: Hey.
Holly: Hello.
Michael: That was really fun last night.
Holly: Yeah, it was nice.
Michael: I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs.
Holly: Oh, that would be great. You need that.
Michael: Yeah?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Oh really?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Well...
Holly: It would help.
Michael: I, uh... [to camera] I let her win.
Holly: [to camera] No, he didn't.
Michael: So, when, um, can I see you again?
Holly: Um, tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? [laughs]
Michael: No.
Holly: I don't care, free tonight.
Michael: Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. [Holly's smile quickly fades] Because I am busy taking you out.
Holly: [gasps] Oh, I just remembered, I can't tonight.
Michael: [concerned] Why?
Holly: I'm going out with you.
Michael: Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight...
Holly: [shakes head] No more.
Michael: Tonight's so...
Holly: No more.
Michael: Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day.
Holly: Thank you, you too.
Michael: You're welcome.
Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.
Andy: That's for you. And, um, oh. I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. 'Cause that's what I wrote on your save-the-date.
Dwight: [whispering] You set a date?
Andy: J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist Money. K-Money.
Phyllis: [sigh] What are you making?
Dwight: A knife.
Phyllis: You're making a knife with a knife?
Dwight: You got a better way?
Phyllis: You want to talk about it?
Dwight: About what?
Phyllis: You know I know. [looks at the camera guys] You know they know.
Dwight: I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know.
Holly: Oh, the mall could be fun.
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog.
Michael: Some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. [laughs] Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?
Holly: ...Hell yeah.
Michael: Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first.
Holly: Yeah, that's good.
Michael: Probably get soup or something light.
Phyllis: Hi.
Dwight: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis: It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight: I was talking to myself.
Phyllis: Okay.
Dwight: I just don't get it.
Phyllis: What don't you get?
Dwight: Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight: That's really fattening.
Phyllis: No, it's lettuce.
Holly: [playing cards] It's time to go.
Michael: No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. [sighs] [goofy voice] I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy.
Holly: You're crazy, go crazy.
Holly: [walking out of the building] Oh, I forgot my keys.
Michael: Do you need 'em?
Holly: Yeah, lets go grab them.
Michael: All right.
Holly: Oh, after vous. [walking into the girls bathroom]
Michael: Thank vous. [chuckling] What? Oh! [kissing]
Holly: I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?
Michael: Not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispering] Now they can't hear us at all.
Holly: Oh, good.
Michael: We're totally alone.
Angela: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.
Oscar: Great, they stole my laptop.
Kevin: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
Oscar: How does that even compare?
Kevin: Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.
Michael: Oh, my God, what happened?
Jim: We were robbed last night.
Dwight: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have.
Holly: Can I talk to you for a second?
Michael: Yeah. Oh... oh!
Holly: That wasn't us, right? I mean... you remembered to lock the doors?
Michael: No, did you?
Holly: Michael I think this is our fault.
Michael: Oh, no, my God.
Holly: Oh...
Michael: Oh my God!
Michael: So much for sex without consequences.
Pam [on phone]: [Jim holds up phone] You are such a dork! Shots!
Jim: So apparently Pam went out last night, and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning.
Pam [on phone]: I'm not drunk.
Jim: I'm on minute six of this message.
Pam [on phone]: Okay, I do not sound like that.
Man on phone: You can take the girl out of Philly...
Pam [on phone]: Scranton.
Jim: The future mother of my children.
Angela: I never felt safe here.
Andy: You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind.
Angela: I would very much like that.
Andy: Yeah?
Angela: Yeah.
Andy: [cockney accent] Consider yourself... at home!
Dwight: [Dwight groans] Ugh.
Dwight: Get in.
Phyllis: Where are we going?
Dwight: I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.
Phyllis: Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on.
Dwight: Are you sure that's going to work?
Phyllis: It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.
Dwight: Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight...
Holly: How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.
Oscar: I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.
Creed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? [whispering] Creed Bratton.
Michael: We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?
Michael: To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.
Phyllis: I think it's a fun idea.
Michael: Thank you.
Phyllis: We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time.
Michael: Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?
Phyllis: Move on, Michael.
Michael: Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days.
Oscar: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?
Michael: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here-
Jim: Do you need us for any of this?
Michael: Do I?
Holly: Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss.
Michael: Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.
Holly: He knows how to get things. He got me.
Michael: Whoa!
Holly: [giggles] Sorry.
Michael: Twice. ... Right?
Holly: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Holly: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this. [points below his belt]
Angela: I think you have me confused with another person.
Dwight: I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!
Angela: I heard you. [quickly walks away]
Michael: Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays] Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. [music stops] And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. [clears throat] Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays]
Darryl: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.
Michael: Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. [cheers and applause] It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. [auctioneer voice] 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-[speaking gibberish] Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 [speaking gibberish] Sold! For 300 dollars to me! [bangs gavel, which squeaks] What the hell is that?
Phyllis: It's the only gavel I could find.
Michael: It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price!
Darryl: Hey Mike, do my thing.
Michael: Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-
Darryl: Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest.
Jim: 5 dollars.
Darryl: Sold! To Jim.
Michael: Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says 'Creed.'
Creed: Yeah, that's all-inclusive.
Darryl: She thought I was McNabb. [laughing]
Jim: I can see that.
Darryl: Yeah, well, watcha gonna do?
Jim: Another round, boys? Great. [Jim walks to the bar]
Roy: Halpert?
Darryl: What's up, Roy?
Jim: Hey man.
Roy: I'm not gonna hit you or anything.
Jim: Oh, I wouldn't-[clears throat]
Roy: You good?
Jim: I'm good. How you doing?
Roy: I'm good.
Jim: Yeah, okay.
Roy: Hey Darryl, what's happenin'?
Darryl: Oh, what's up, Roy?
Roy: Hey, what's up, guys? How you been?
Kevin: Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes.
Michael: Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man.
Kevin: Federal and State.
Michael: Federal and State. [no one bids]
Kevin: Fine. [throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand]
Michael: Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.
Hank [the security guard]: [playing blues on a guitar] Me and the blues. It's me and the blues. [Dwight looks at his watch, then at Angela, who looks away from Dwight towards Andy]
Michael: We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. [David Wallace walks in] Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo!
David Wallace: Hey.
Michael: Hey!
David Wallace: Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey!
Oscar: 100 dollars.
Michael: 100 dollars, great.
Bob: 125
Guy in audience: 140
Dwight: Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.
Phyllis: Oh dear.
Michael: Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.
Guy in audience: 160
Michael: 160
Dwight: I had to get your attention. This is an emergency. [the air is let out of one of Phyllis' tires]
Phyllis: Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it?
Dwight: Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?
Phyllis: Now you move on.
Dwight: Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?
Phyllis: Well Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer.
Dwight: Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan.
Phyllis: Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.
Dwight: Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. [Phyllis slaps Dwight] And you slap like a girl.
Dwight: What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me. [Dwight has an epiphany]
Roy: What's going on with Pam?
Jim: Oh, she's good actually.
Roy: Yeah?
Jim: She's, um, she's in New York. She's at an art school.
Roy: Really?
Jim: Yeah, she's doing really well.
Roy: Huh.
Jim: She's engaged, um... to me.
Roy: [laughs] Congrats, man.
Jim: Oh, thanks man. Appreciate that.
Roy: So Pam's happy?
Jim: Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM.
Roy: Wow.
Jim: What?
Roy: I thought you were a friend.
Jim: [driving] I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should. [sighs]
Bob: When are you getting to Bruce?
Michael: Uh, just a few more items.
All: [chanting] Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Michael: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. [cheering] All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around?
Stanley: Do you want us to look for 'em?
Michael: No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody.
Phyllis: I have my hug.
Michael: Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so.
Bob: I'll bid on a hug.
Michael: She's your wife, you idiot.
Bob: 100 dollars.
David Wallace: 200
Michael: Uh, what the hell is happening?
Andy: 250
Angela: What are you doing?
Andy: I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one.
Angela: Not here.
Bob: 300
Michael: 300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice.
Dwight: 300 and one penny.
Michael: 300 and one penny, 300 and one penny.
Bob: 325
Michael: 325, 325.
David Wallace: 350
Michael: 350
Dwight: 350 and one penny.
Michael: 350 and one penny.
Bob: 400
Michael: 400, 400 hey batter batter.
Dwight: 400 and one penny.
Michael: 400 and one penny.
Bob: 500
Michael: 500
Dwight: 500 and one penny.
Michael: 500 and one penny. One million dollar!
Bob: 700
Michael: 700
Dwight: 700 and one penny.
Michael: Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-
Bob: 1,000
Dwight: Eh, it's not worth it.
Michael: 1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. [applause] Nicely done.
Jim: [driving, sighs, laughs] No. you know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And [laughs] we are not that couple. [turns around]
Michael: [whispering] Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- [Holly covers Michaels mouth]
Holly: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true.
David Wallace: [after accidentally seeing Michael and Holly kiss] No, I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.
Pam: What can I do for you, Michael? I'm kinda busy.
Michael: Oh, I guess that job that I got you is working out for you well, then.
Pam: It is. Thanks again.
Michael: Hey, if there's anything else I can do, just let me know.
Pam: [long pause] And of course, if there's ever anything I can ever do for you...
Michael: You know what? I would love a slice of real New York style pizza.
Pam: If I get you a slice of pizza, are we even?
Michael: Even as pie.
Michael: [opening a delivery envelope, takes out slice of pizza which appears to have a section off the end] Okay... don't ask me how I got it, let's just say that I have... connections. [folds it in two and takes a bite] Mmm. Mmm. [with a full mouth and an Italian accent] I'm the Godfather. I'm gonna eat this whole pizza. And then I'm gonna kill you. [digs around in envelope, pulls out the rest of the slice] [indistinct] some cheese. You gotta fold it up. That's the way you eat pizza.
Jim: I just don't know if he's presidential enough.
Pam: I know. And how long is CJ gonna spin this whole MS thing? How can Josh and Sam keep quiet?
Pam: Every night, Jim and I watch an episode of The West Wing together on DVD. Um, he wanted to watch Battlestar Galactica and I wanted to watch Cranford... so we compromised. Next we're gonna watch Cranford.
Jim: Cranford? No. We will never watch that.
Michael: I am going to run three possible date ideas by you and I want you to tell me which one gets your blood percolating.
Jim: Ah, I'm sure they're all great.
Michael: I have two sure things, one wildcard.
Jim: Let's start with the wildcard.
Michael: Okay.
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: The wildcard is dinner at a nice restaurant.
Jim: Uh-oh.
Michael: Exactly. Here, here are my sure things. I blindfold her. I take her to the Houdini Museum. She chains me up...
Jim: I think I got a pretty good sense of that one.
Michael: Okay.
Jim: Yep.
Michael: All right.
Jim: Let's move on to the next.
Michael: Number two, we go to the mall...
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: We go to the bed store, I let her choose whatever bed she wants...
Jim: Oh, that's good.
Michael: And we have sex on it.
Jim: I like the wild card. I'm already liking the wild card.
Michael: Really? I don't know. It's a big third date, Jim.
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: What do I do?
Jim: Have you asked her what she wants to do?
Michael: Well, I thought as the man that I should make the decision.
Jim: No. You got that backwards.
Michael: Times have changed, Jim.
Dwight: Our first date was at the Anthracite Coal Museum. We had both been before, but we pretended like it was our first time so we could get all the extra information. They knew we were faking... 'cause they recognized us. But we made them tell us all the stories. All the safety information. And we corrected them whenever they got it wrong. [Phyllis chuckles and nods, Dwight sighs and takes the rest of his sandwich out of the container and holds it up to Phyllis] You want half a sandwich?
Phyllis: Okay.
Dwight: I'll bring you one tomorrow. You've earned it. [bites into the sandwich half, chews] Mmm. I hope you like fox meat.


Kelly: [dressed as Carrie Bradshaw] Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween.
Phyllis: [dressed as Raggedy Ann] Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?
Kelly: Oh, I'm Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City.
Phyllis: Mm. I like your shoes. [Kelly has 5-inch heels on]
Kelly: Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?
Phyllis: Sure.
Ryan: I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing.
Kelly: Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King?
Ryan: Gordon Gekko.
Kelly: Oh, from the insurance commercials!
Ryan: ... Yeah.
Oscar: [Creed dressed as the Joker enters] Whoa. Awesome.
Creed: Let's put a smile on that face!
Kevin: [also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!
Andy: [dressed as a kitten] Meow. Sweet 'stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be?
Jim: Dave.
Andy: Cool.
Jim: You are? [Andy hisses] A cat?
Andy: [buzzer noise] We were looking for 'kitten.'
Jim: [phone] Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey New York, Happy Halloween!
Pam: Thanks. My costume's getting a lot of attention. [Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin]
Pam: So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat, because then I'm Hitler.
Dwight: [dressed as the Joker] Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp- oh! [elevator doors close, reopen.] Disappear.
Michael: Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets.
Holly: Oh, look at all this stuff! It's only seven hours.
Michael: When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire.
Holly: Michael is taking a personal day to move me up.
Michael: Road trip! Right?
Holly: Breaker one-nine, copy?
Michael: Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.
Darryl: Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio.
Michael: We're not.
Holly: Kidding.
Michael: We're not doing anything.
Holly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said 'Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?' And he said 'I asked you first.' And I said 'First!' at the same time he did. And then I said 'Jinx.' And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...
Michael: All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge.
Jim: Oh, I'll walk you out.
Michael: Ah, you are quite the gentleman.
Michael: You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want.
Jim: All right. We'll see. [to camera] No.
Jim: I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two.
Dwight: Good morning temp.
Ryan: Morning. [Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt] Wow. Good morning Dwight.
Dwight: Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?
Andy: Ha ha ha. That's funny. [angrily] Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy.
Dwight: Andy.
Andy: Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But, you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them.
Dwight: No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!
Andy: Come on, you think you can get into Cornell?
Dwight: Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.
Phyllis: I'm sitting right here Dwight.
Dwight: I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.
Dwight: Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. [He sips from his Cornell mug]
Holly: I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!
Michael: Cool!
Darryl: Mike you'll drive this every weekend?
Michael: We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.
Michael and Holly: Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long.
Michael, Holly, and Darryl: If you're going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you're going my way...
Dwight: Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.
Andy: Well he's had a pretty good season so far- Stop saying 'we.' You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you're just doing this to screw with me.
Dwight: Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.
Andy: I know it's an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red.
Dwight: Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.
Pam: Hey!
Tom: Hey, future baby sis!
Pam: How are you Tom. Nice to see you.
Tom: I'm good.
Pam: I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they're into the idea. They're probably thinking, 'That Pam Beasly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best! The absolute best.'
Pam: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn't in my pocket anymore, and I lost it.
Pete: That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?
Tom: Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money!
Pete: That, is awesome!
Tom: Like she basically has a hobby, for a job.
Pete: Oh yeah.
Pam: So, not the ring then? The- the- Not doing the ring?
Pete: I think this is better.
Tom: The other thing would 'get' Jim.
Pete: This is nicer, it's fun. It's fun!
Pam: Okay, okay.
Tom: Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends.
Pam: Oookay...
Pam: They came up with that idea really fast.
Darryl: This trip was longer than I thought.
Holly: Yeah it did look shorter on the map-
Michael: Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! [waking up] Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Holly: You were sleeping? You were talking before.
Michael: Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
Darryl: Not really.
Michael: All right. What's the scoop, how far?
Darryl: Four hours. Almost halfway there.
Holly: We're only halfway?
Michael: Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast.
Darryl: Next exit isn't for five miles.
Holly: Let's check there.
Pam: Hey guys.
Jim: Hey, how are you?
Pam: Hi! [smooches]
Jim: Good to see you.
Pete: Nice to see you again, Pam.
Tom: Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long!
Jim: All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable.
Darryl: There's nothing out here man.
Michael: Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon.
Michael: Here we go, fourth time's a charm. 'Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there... [Holly sobs] Hey. Are you crying?
Holly: No.
Michael: Allergies?
Holly: No.
Michael: Did Darryl touch you?
Darryl: WHAT!?
Holly: No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? [crying]
Michael: What's the matter?
Holly: It's not gonna work.
Michael: Sure it is.
Holly: There's too much distance.
Michael: Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine.
Holly: Michael we've only been dating each other for a few weeks
Michael: Listen to me. I like you so much.
Holly: And I like you too.
Michael: And I've dated four women in the last-
Holly: I've dated four guys last year too.
Michael: Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.
Holly: Michael. Don't. Don't. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
Michael: That's what she said.
Michael: Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.
Andy: Take that down. [Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling]
Dwight: Excuse me?
Andy: Take. That down.
Meredith: You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Andy: I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Creed: It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military.
Andy: It's pronounced 'Corn-ell!' It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!
Dwight: Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.
Andy: Fine.
Dwight: What do you say?
Andy: Yeah, good. Can we- [Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head] Grr. Heh heh heh. That's Big Red Bear! That's a bobble Big Red Bear! God!!
Holly: If you leave on Friday, by five, you'll be rolling in at... midnight? At best?
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again.
Michael: Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road.
Holly: Well-
Michael: Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?
Holly: How long could we keep that up?
Michael: Years!
Holly: Years?
Michael: Yeah.
Holly: Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?
Michael: Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.
Holly: [kisses his temple] Thank you.
Michael: My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy.
Darryl: Clever, Mike.
Tom: So Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school?
Pete: Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?
Jim: That's not really true. There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually.
Tom: Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin.
Jim: Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal?
Pete: Hey, just having fun Jimmy.
Tom: Yeah. Right Pam?
Pam: Yup! [Tom and Pete give Halpertian looks to camera]
Michael: You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?
Holly: I do, I think so.
Michael: Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. [they continue arguing]
Darryl: [leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable] Hey what's up, I just thought I'd try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit.
Michael: I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Darryl: Please call me back.
Michael: Please?
Holly: You'll be okay
Michael: I'm not gonna be okay.
Darryl: Please...
Holly: You will.
Michael: No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!
Andy: [outside men's room] You might be interested- [stops when he sees Stanley come out]
Stanley: What?
Andy: Dwight!
Dwight: Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?
Andy: Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview.
Dwight: That's a conflict of interest.
Andy: Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won't let you in?
Dwight: [thinks] Interview.
Andy: Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer.
Dwight: What?
Andy: The conference room!
Dwight: Okay.
Andy: Who are your role models?
Andy: If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.
Andy: So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You're doing great.
Jim: Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. She's a trumpeter. And, look at her.
Pam: Cute.
Jim: That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?
Tom: Yup. She only knows how to play 'When the Saints go Marching In.'
Jim: Love that one.
Pete: Yeah but, she doesn't think she's gonna be like, career musician right?
Jim: Here you go again! What is your deal today?
Pete: Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?
Pam: Miles Davis.
Jim: One.
Pam: Chet ...something.
Jim: Half.
Pete: The point is Pam, is there are jobs-
Pam: Dizzy Gillespie.
Jim: Also good.
Pete: And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don't see me try to get on the Mets.
Tom: You don't!
Jim: Pete couldn't make the Mets. She's at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?
Pete: I'm just calling it like I see it.
Pam: I don't know if I'm gonna make any money with art.
Jim: Pam, don't worry about it.
Pam: I mean it's a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don't try now, I never will. So...
Jim: Guys, what is going on?! [Pete and Tom burst out in laughter]
Tom: We pranked you!
Pete: It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind.
Pam: ... Got you.
Pete: That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.
Andy: Let's see how well you know your Big Red history.
Dwight: Bring it.
Andy: Who was Cornell's eighth president?
Dwight: Dale Raymond Corson!
Andy: Mm, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. [writes in a notebook] Comprehension skills, sub-par.
Dwight: Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. [writes in a notebook]
Andy: What are you writing? Can't even give Cornell your full attention?
Dwight: On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers.
Andy: Nobody wants ...that, to happen.
Dwight: Well, when they get my evaluation we'll see if they're interested.
Andy: Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character.'
Dwight: Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process.'
Andy: Applicant is wasting everyone's time with stupid and inane accusations.'
Dwight: Interviewer has suspect motives.'
Andy: Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid.'
Dwight: Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth.' Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need.
Andy: I have everything I need- [talking over each other]
Dwight: And you will be hearing from the -
Andy: And you will be hearing from -
Dwight: -Cornell Application Department,
Andy: which I will not be a part of-
Dwight: And you will not be pleased with the result. [pulls table away from Andy]
Andy: And YOU will not be pleased with the result!
Dwight: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Andy: And your affiliation with Cornell -
Dwight: Will end completely!
Andy: Will end completely!
Dwight: [has won the table war] That is all sir, you may go.
Darryl: [Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other] There's another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp.
Pam: For the record, I wanted go another direction. Which was way better.
Jim: Well, I'll be the judge of that. What do you got?
Pam: Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it's very subtle.
Jim: That is good.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. [laughs] Oh, text message from my brother. 'Pam cool. Welcome to the family.'
Pam: Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?
Darryl: This is the last of it.
Michael: Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck.
Darryl: You're not staying?
Michael: You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you.
Darryl: But you want me to put it back in the truck.
Michael: I'll be down in just a second. [into house] Holly?
Michael: So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl [Holly hugs Michael] Okay. [they kiss goodbye.] Goodbye.
Holly: Okay. Bye.
Darryl: I know it's hard Mike. Break-ups hurt.
Michael: We didn't break up.
Darryl: Looked like it. Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues.
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: [bluesy] Da na na na na... da na na na na...
Michael: That's a really pretty song.
Darryl: Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na... want to do that?
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: That's when you hit me with what's getting you down, okay?
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: No, wait. You're, you're supposed to... Never mind. Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na.
Michael: Da na na na na.
Darryl: Da na na na na!!
Michael: Da na na na na!!
Darryl: Da na na na na .
Michael: [deeper] Da na na na na.
Darryl: Yeah! Da na na na na.
Michael: [deeper] Da na na na na.
Darryl: YEAH! Da na na na na.
Michael: [blues singer] Da na na na na...
Andy: [Whistling, enters office in farmer overalls] I thought I'd come in casual today. Man, I'm hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?
Dwight: Where did you get those?
Andy: What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state.
Dwight: I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this.
Andy: Well you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. [attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard] You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?
Dwight: [scoffs] Cornell. [easily bites into a beet]
Oscar: We'll miss you.
Holly: Well, I'll be around.
Oscar: [chuckling] Isn't it a seven-hour drive?
Holly: It's not that bad. But if I'm really jonesing to see you guys, I can always fly.
Oscar: I don't know if it'll be shorter to fly. [Holly gasps] You have to drive to Boston, right? That's an hour and a half. Get there an hour before the flight. Now you're up two and a half hours. The flight to Philadelphia is an hour fifteen. It's another two and a half hour drive to Scranton, assuming there's no traffic, because...
Holly: [interrupting Oscar] Well, I just want to say goodbye. [hugs Oscar]
Oscar: Okay.
Holly: Okay.
Oscar: Bye.
Kevin: Well, Hol, this is it.
Holly: Yeah, okay. [extends hand to Kevin]
Kevin: [outstretches arms for a hug, Holly reluctantly complies]
Kevin: [whispers in Holly's ear, Holly reacts with horrified look]
Holly: [pushing Kevin away] Um, yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Kevin: Yeah, but you have to admit it would be wild.
Kelly: So, you're dumping Michael? Smart.
Holly: No, we're gonna do the long-distance thing.
Kelly: Oh! You guys are gonna keep dating? That's so romantic!
Holly: Yeah, thanks.
Phyllis: I almost quit my job so I could be closer to Bob, and we're in the same building.
Holly: Oh, well...look, we could always call, or email, or write. I should get all your email addresses.
Angela: Yes, we'll email you, and then you'll have our addresses.
Holly: [talking head] It's a little sad. Michael and I just started dating. He wants me to stay and get a job around here as a baker. Or a baker's helper.
Michael: [talking head] This is gonna be awesome. This is gonna be awesome. I've decided that on my drives to Nashua, I am going to learn French, the language of love. And on my drives back, I am going to learn Spanish; what the cleaning crew speaks.
Darryl: [talking head] I'm driving them up for five times what I would've made at work. I thought I made a good deal. [expression changes from smiling to downcast] Then I realized I'm gonna be trapped in a truck with Mike all day.
Michael: [playing cat's cradle with Holly] Okay, am I grabbing this one?
Holly: [chuckling] No, that's not what you're grabbing.
Michael: [laughs]
Holly: Put...okay...
Darryl: [driving truck] Hey, y'all are not gonna be playing these little private games all the way.
Holly: Sorry, Darryl.
Darryl: It's like Driving Miss Daisy, you know?
Holly: All right.
Darryl: You gotta include me in the conversation.
Michael: Fair enough.
Darryl: If you don't mind.
Michael: Okay, okay. What kind of car games did you play in the 'hood?
Darryl: I got a game. Cow surfing.
Michael: Cow surfing?
Darryl: Spot a cow, last person to say 'Jackson Five' has to get on its back and ride it.
Michael: Really?
Holly: Were there even cows where you grew up?
Darryl: Everybody got a government cow.
Michael: Cow surfing. [spots a cow out the window] Okay, here we go, there's a cow.
Holly & Darryl: [in unison] Jackson Five!
Michael: Oh, shoot! Okay. All right. All right. [throws up hands] Pull it over. Here we go.
Darryl: Here we go. Go get him, Mike!
Michael: [reaching to open door] I'm gonna do it.
Holly: [grabs Michael's arm] No, Michael. It's not a real game.
Darryl: Then why did you say 'Jackson Five?'
Michael: The man has a point.
Holly: Darryl...
Darryl: All right, I made it up.
Michael: [visibly shocked] What? Why?
Darryl: Because I wanted you to like me.
Michael: [gasps] I do! Hey, come on!
Darryl: [trying not to laugh] Okay.
Michael: Jackson Five.
Holly & Michael: [both laugh hysterically at portable DVD player on dashboard while Darryl drives, looking miserable]
Darryl: [makes sudden sharp turn to the left, causing DVD player to fall out open window, then grins to camera]
Michael: [rubbing noses with Holly] You're the one.
Holly: No, you.
Michael: You are.
Holly: You are.
Michael: No, you are.
Holly: You are more.
Darryl: [rubs face in exasperation]
Michael: You're the best.
Holly: You're better.
Michael: You're better. You're better than my best.
Holly: You're better than betterest.
Holly: [plants kisses all over Michael's face]
Michael: Here we go.
Holly: Hold your breath!
Michael: Okay, Ready?
Darryl: [setting stopwatch] Go.
Michael & Holly: [both inhale deeply and lock lips while holding their breath]
Darryl: [looks to camera for several seconds] At least it's quiet.
Michael: Watch this. Darryl, watch this.
Holly: Look, Darryl, lip up.
Michael & Holly: [kiss each other while puffing their cheeks and mumbling]
Holly: Down, and give me 50!
Michael & Holly: [in unison while kissing with mouths closed] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!
Darryl: Hey, you know what would be fun? Like, sleeping.
Michael: Yeah
Darryl: You know.
Holly: [hugging Michael] Oh, snuggles!
Michael: Yeah. Right, snuggle time.
Holly: Snuggles.
Darryl: There you go.
Michael: [makes squeaking sounds]
Holly: Spooning.
Michael: Here's what I was thinking. The following weekend, I drive up.
Holly: Mmm hmm.
Michael: We get right in the car, we pop up to Montreal. It's like another seven hours.
Holly: Ooh!
Michael: Speak.
Holly: We could stay in a cozy B&B with a fireplace?
Michael: Absolutely. Oh, and you know what, Darryl? You are invited to go as well.
Darryl: Oh, thanks. Thanks. No.
Michael: Come on, it'll be fun.
Darryl: Thank you. Thank you. No.
Michael: [emerging from convenience store with two ice cream sundaes] Hey, look at that. Fun, right?
Holly: Mmm.
Michael: Mmm mmm! Remember the 15-scooper we had last week? Wasn't that good? I was Scooperman, you were Scoopy-Doo. Remember what you said? You were laughing.
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Say what you said.
Holly: No, Michael. I don't...[mimicking Scooby-Doo] I'm gonna puke!
Michael: [laughs] I'll save you! I'm Superman! Scooperman!
Holly: Darryl didn't want any?
Michael: I didn't ask.
Michael: We want the same things.
Holly: I know, but from seven hours away.
Michael: That is a lucky number. Seven. 7-Up. Seven dwarfs.
Holly: Michael...
Michael: Seven deadly sins. It's a sign.
Darryl: Hey, y'all wanna hear some loud music or something?
Holly: I'm an atheist. Did you know that? I don't know your religion. There are so many conversations that we haven't even had yet.
Darryl: Hey, look, Pennsylvania license plate! That's crazy! All the way out here! Who can name all the states?
Michael: [standing with Holly next to 'Welcome to New Hampshire' sign] Oh, it's really cold here.
Holly: Oh, it's just later.
Michael: Yeah.
Darryl: [holding camera] Here we go.
Michael: [starts to cry] Can we have another? I think I blinked.
Holly: [unlocking front door] This is me here.
Michael: Oh, you have your own entrance. That's nice.
Darryl: Stairs. Oh, man...
Angela: He's just trying to push your buttons.
Andy: I don't care, so it doesn't matter.
Angela: Great, then it doesn't matter.
Andy: You don't think he could get in, though...right? I mean, I don't care, but I just don't see how he could. I doubt he could get in.
Angela: [reverently] He is fiercely intelligent.
Andy: I don't care either way, so...shut up.
Angela: He's just...
Andy: [in parking lot on cell phone] Don't tell me to calm down, Dad! [grunts] Don't do that! Oh, God, of all people, I thought you would understand. You're an alum. This guy, he's...he's poking the bear! [listens briefly] Yeah, okay, I'll see you at Thanksgiving. Hi to Mom. Bye.
Angela: Why are you doing this to Andy?
Dwight: You once told me that Andy and I had different strengths. Well, he can't do what I can do. I can get into Cornell, but he doesn't know how to make food and shelter from a golden retriever.
Angela: [looks at Dwight disgustedly and sighs] Even if you do somehow get in, that's not going to make me leave Andy.
Dwight: No, but it'll make you respect him less.
Angela: [sighs] Yes, that's true.