Pam: Hey Oscar, big Will and Grace fan huh?
Oscar: No. Everybody assumes I am. I always get them as gifts.
Pam: Oh.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we really didn't need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves.
Dwight: People! Look alive. It's showtime. Doors open in 3...2...1.
Jim: Oh, yikes.
Pam: It's cold Dwight. Just shut the door and let people come in the front.
Dwight: It's good that its cold it will drive business inside.
Pam: The signs will drive people inside.
Dwight: The warmth will lure people inside.
Andy: Close it.
Dwight: This is how business...
Andy: Close it.
Dwight: I'm not closing the door.
Andy: Close it. [starts wrestling Dwight]
Dwight: Stop it.
Andy: Just close it.
Dwight: Uh oh, looks like someone's sign is a little crooked. Uh, looks awful. Need a thumb tack?
Meredith: Sure.
Dwight: Not so fast.
Dwight: Schrute's are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here.
Dwight: I will trade you for the used candle.
Meredith: Forget you.
Dwight: Come on, its trash, like your sign, unless you have this.
Meredith: Fine, just give it.
Dwight: That's how it's done.
Kevin: Woah, I love her. How much for that?
Michael: I uh... I actually don't know why I brought that because It's kind of priceless.
Holly: 10 dollars.
Michael: Mhmm, no I paid 500 dollars for that.
Kevin: 200
Michael: 500
Holly: 20
Kevin: 45
Michael: Get lost.
Kevin: Damn it.
Michael: That is how you do it.
Holly: You know we don't have to sell that if you don't want to. If it's a problem with the neon I can have my neon guy take a look.
Michael: You know it's really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price.
Holly: Well we could put it in storage... in case.
Michael: In case... in case of what?
Holly: You know... in case if something changes.
Michael: I don't have an in case. Do you have an in case?
Holly: Nope.
Lady: How much for the slip and slide?
Michael: Get lost.
Michael: [on phone] Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm actually calling because I'm in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you... which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn't a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.
Kelly: Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You're blocking my table with your giant body.
Dwight: Oh, cause there's a huge line of people waiting in line who want your spinster chotskies.
Kelly: Screw you man. People like my stuff.
Dwight: People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and you're like 'Hey baby let me light a candle' then you pull out this one half used and he's like 'Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.'
Kelly: You can take my Helen Fielding collection.
Dwight: And the Jennifer Weiner collection.
Andy: Oh my gosh, you have the Dallas board game?
Kevin: Yea when I was a kid I was on Dallas.
Andy: Really?
Kevin: Yea. When I was kid we missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii... I was in heaven.
Darryl: We should play it.
Andy: Well... there's no instructions.
Darryl: It's Dallas the game, we can figure it out.
Kevin: Yea.
Andy: I'm pretty good at board games.
Darryl: Well, shall we make it a little interesting?
Andy: Sure.
Dwight: What is this?
Jim: How did those get out? I'm sorry.
Dwight: Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes?
Jim: I was in Jamaica, and I got lost, and it was getting dark this one night and then out of nowhere with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight he's telling me things about myself that there's no way he could have known.
Dwight: That's a common swindlers trick.
Jim: Probably, probably. So I buy some, I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money, he was gone.
Dwight: So you wanna sell me magic beans. [laughs]
Jim: Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes.
Dwight: Nice try. No. Correction. Terrible try.
Holly: Michael called Dad?
Holly's Mom: Your friend Michael, yes. What's going on?
Holly: Um, I think I know. But I'll sound stupid if I'm wrong but is Dad there?
Holly's Dad: Holly?
Holly: Hi Dad.
Holly's Dad: There was a program on TV about India.
Holly: Um, ok. Did you connect with Michael?
Holly's Dad: Wanna watch it?
Holly: I... I'm not there Dad, I'm in Pennsylvania.
Holly's Dad: What are you doing there?
Holly: I live here. Um, can I talk to you about Michael?
Holly's Dad: I'll, I'll put your mother on.
Holly: No. No... no Dad.
Holly's Mom: Holly?
Holly: Mom, Dad can't seem to focus on a subject.
Holly's Mom: Don't you worry about him, he's got me.
Holly: Well who do you have?
Holly's Mom: I have your father. He's right here I'll put him on.
Holly: No. Mom?
Pam: Oh, which one is decaf?
Pam: [looks out window] Michael! Michael!
Michael: Hi.
Pam: Hi.. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam: Why do you need more gas?
Michael: Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam: Are you proposing!?
Michael: Maybe.
Pam: Wow.
Michael: Hey you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam: Yea. Yea no problem. [runs away]
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Yep.
Micahel: Could you light this please?
Pam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael: I am not in the mood for riddles pam.
Pam: This is terrible.
Michael: No, this is romantic.
Pam: You know what? I'm gonna get a hose. Then we'll talk about it. Ok we'll figure it out. Be right back. Just stay there.
Ryan: Free sample?
Ryan: My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her 'Mom you should sell this, you'd make a fortune' and she always says 'No it's just for family.' Well finally I was like f*** it, I'll sell it so I'm like 'Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends' and she's like 'uh, ok' ... pesto party? Really? Anyway... she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis... just had that mom look I wanted.
Dwight: You got this kosher certified?
Ryan: No I meant like uh, it's cool, its kosher, it's all good.
Dwight: Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. [laughs]
Ryan: Thank you. Whatcha got there?
Dwight: Oh, its just Stanley's old photo album. I'm thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black mans old photo album on my bookshelf. I'm not James Franco.
Dwight: things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk for Kelly's crap for Phyllis' garbage for Oscars trash for Stanley's garbage for Ryan's junk for Creed's garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.
Dwight: Jim, put those away.
Jim: [pulls away beans] I'm really sorry. Pam must have put those out.
Dwight: just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans?
Jim: They're legumes Dwight, and you're just gonna make fun of me, so why would I... You know what, this ends now. [crumples up beans, stomps on them, and throws them in a box]
Pam: Hey Michael everyone's in the conference room.
Michael: Why?
Pam: You called the meeting I don't..
Michael: I did?
Michael: Ok. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about... recycling.
Pam: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Pam: We are a family.
Michael: I could not have agreed with you more.
Pam: And I've always believed that we should all be involved in everyone's personal lives, in a very major way.
Michael: Yes. Thank you.
Pam: So about this proposal thing...
Michael: No, no, no, no. My minds made up I am not going to change my mind you can't talk me out of it.
Pam: Michael, she's perfect for you.
Oscar: She's the one.
Jim: She's amazing. This is very exciting.
Pam: So we just... we wanna help you plan the proposal so that it's safe and responsible and realistic and doable.
Michael: I had a great idea until you ruined it.
Oscar: Wanna know how to do it? Here's how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a dogs collar, stop, and look at yourself.
Andy: [playing the Dallas board game] Hmm, I'm gonna play me a little ol' black mail card .
Kevin: Nice.
Andy: And call a proxy meeting to take control of you and oil once and for all.
Kevin: No you cant do that. You cant play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn.
Andy: Why not. Seems to me we're just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being.
Darryl: And I'm gonna play this here share the wealth card.
Andy: Oooh.
Darryl: Which entitles me to half of both of y'alls money so if you don't mind.
Kevin: no this card is from the wrong game this is from the game of life.
Darryl: It was in the box.
Andy: Well played.
Darryl: Thank you.
Andy: We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.
Kevin: No but that's not fair.
Andy: Well that's Dallas.
Darryl: Dallas indeed.
Oscar: What... Ryan, where did you get this picture? [a picture of Oscar on Ryans bottles of salsa]
Ryan: My mom also makes the best salsa.
Holly: This is your moms old stuff?
Phyllis: Yeah mostly.
Holly: How's she doing?
Phyllis: It didn't go down so easy but she's made some friends and it's already better than it was.
Holly: How do you know when its time?
Phyllis: Uh I don't know if you ever know. And if you wait for the day when your parent to comes to you and says 'I cant take care of myself anymore' its never gonna happen. I have a box of bras under the table if you're interested.
Holly: Let me see.
Pam: Ok I think animals and proposals are out. Right Ryan didn't you read in one of your blogs that animals are out?
Ryan: Blogs are out but people are texting each other no more animals
Michael: How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof, it hits the ground, the head pops off, this leads me to the line ' I lost my head when I fell in love with you.'
Jim: That's a guarantee.
Michael: It's easy enough to get a corpse, you just go to a med school. I already have the ring.
Jim: Don't think you need the corpse then.
Michael: Heres the ring.
Pam: Holy s*** is that real?
Michael: Yeah. I saved 3 years salary.
Oscar: No. [shakes head back and forth]
Michael: Is she not going to like that?
Pam: No she's going to love it so I think you can keep the proposal simple. You know like when Jim proposed. He just he got down on one knee and he told me that he loved me and he asked me to marry him and it was perfect.
Oscar: Where was that.
Jim: At a gas station. [oscar laughs]
Michael: At a gas station?
Jim: Oh it was when she was working in New York so it was halfway between both of us.
Michael: That mush have been a surprise when... at the gas station you proposed.
Pam: No it was really it was really sweet. It was raining and..
Michael: Oh yea you didn't say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever.
Jim: Totally reasonable.
Michael: I just... it's terrifying.
Pam: She's not gonna say no.
Michael: I know but I'm still scared I don't know why.
Jim: Cause it's a big deal. I mean.. I knew Pam was gonna say yes but I was still scared.
Pam: You were scared?
Jim: Yeah... it.s scary.
Michael: Get this... Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him 'Dude this was a prop in my movie.'
Holly: Look I need to talk to you.
Michael: Ok it's because we haven't sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day, people get desperate, and they're gonna pay anything.
Holly: I think I need to go home to Colorado. My dad isn't doing so well.
Michael: Oh ok. For how long?
Holly: I don't know.
Michael: Is he alright?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: You ok?
Holly: Yeah, yeah it's just you know I don't want to go home when he's on his death bed you know, I wanna be there when he's still my dad.
Michael: Yeah, yeah well you definitely need to do that.
Holly: And I want you to come with me. Now I know that's a lot to ask of a boyfriend..
Michael: Ok.
Holly: And I was thinking... you know maybe since given our last conversation that we're both ready... Michael Scott will you..
Michael: No, no, shhhhut it. Mhmm. Oh God. Nope, nope, nope.
Holly: Uh, what?
Michael: No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.
Kevin: Hey guys it's my turn.
Andy: You cant go, you're dead, I shot you 5 moves ago.
Kevin: Yeah I told you, you can't shoot people.
Darryl: I told you we're way past rules. We have been for some time now. We start having rules now, everything we built collapses.
Kevin: This is stupid and I want my money back. Where's the money?
Darryl: Yeah where is it?
Kevin: Ok you know what? I am never ever playing board games with you two again.
Kevin: And that is Dallas. [shows money]
Ryan: Nice.
Jim: Not bad right. [swinging golf club]
Ryan: Can't really tell the...
Jim: [to Dwight] Nice.
Dwight: I know right...[sees Jim's beans] what the?
Jim: Oh my God.
Dwight: That... that's impossible.
Jim: It is right. I mean, it's impossible.
Dwight: All right, I'll take them.
Jim: They're probably worthless.
Dwight: Probably. [walks away with beans]
Jim: Leave the telescope.
Dwight: I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No, it was this... packet of beans. So I traded the telescope for it. And I can just go buy another telescope.
Michael: Hey, how'd we do?
Holly: 13 dollars.
Michael: That's great and we still have most of our stuff. Good.
Holly: Listen about earlier ...
Michael: No, no, no, no, lets not talk about that.
Holly: It was wrong to put you in that position and... Michael you are my life now. I'm not going to Colorado.
Michael: Shhhh. Let's go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff.
Michael: So this is one of my favorite places in the world.
Holly: Why?
Michael: This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Let's go in here.
Michael: This is where we first kissed.
Holly: I remember.
Michael: And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there?
Holly: Michael.. [they both laugh]
Michael: Through these blinds is where I first saw you, and you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen. And I was sitting at this desk when I called you to tell you that I had herpes and that I was still in love with you and you said that it was over, and that you didn't love me. Thank goodness none of that was true. Including the herpes.
Holly: Yes.
Michael: In-grown hair.
Michael: Right in here... this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember, obesity awareness?
Holly: Mh hmm.
Michael: We saved a lot of lives that day. That's where you first met Michael Klump.
Holly: Oh, I say, I say, I say I sit on you!
Michael: And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn't believe it, you thought it was so wrong.
Michael: And over here..
Holly: What happened here?
Michael: Well, nothing. Nothing really. I would just find an excuse to come here so I could stare at you through that window. This is what I'd do. [runs water through hand]
Holly: Nice
Michael: Let's go in here.
Holly: [everyone in the office is standing in the kitchen with a lit candle] Hi guys.
Michael: This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this, its just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives.
Jim: Holly, will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Stanley: Marry me Holly.
Holly: No.
Michael: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: Easy no.
Angela: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan: Will you marry me Holly?
Holly: No.
Michael: Only one that I was kind of worried about.
Michael: [the area where Holly's desk is is filled with lit candles] This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with.. [fire sprinklers go on] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
Holly: Your wife becoming me will I. [everyone in the kitchen starts cheering, then enters annex]
Kevin: That's awesome!
Pam: Congratulations!
Jim: Congratulations!
Michael: Thank you. So guys, guys, guys. We're moving to Colorado.
Kevin: All of us?
Michael: Yep.
Jim: Wait, what?
Michael: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.


Michael: Kahlua Sombrero, please.
Waiter: All right, so just you tonight?
Michael: Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I'm a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years.
Deangelo: I'll drink to that. I'm starting at a company this week.
Michael: Oh, really?
Deangelo: To begginings and endings.
Michael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Deangelo: The moms and the troops.
Michael: Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
Deangelo: [laughs] I won't... I don't know her.
Michael: I'm moving out to the burbs... actually, I'm moving further than the burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
Deangelo: Colorado! The sunshine state.
Michael: Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.
Deangelo: Doing some skiing?
Michael: No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Deangelo: Well that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
Michael: You know, I would like to try the luge, through.
Deangelo: Try it once, you're hooked. That's my guess.
Michael: That's what I've heard.
Deangelo: I'm an olympics nut.
Michael: Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?
Deangelo/Michael: [in unison] Summer!
Deangelo: [holds out fist] Knuckles! Actually, I gotta come around and give you...
Deangelo: You know, it's funny, I tried to get an animal olympics going.
Michael: Really? What happened?
Deangelo: You know, life happened. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?
Michael: Oh... wow. The mountains. Where things are.
Deangelo: That's the way it goes.
Michael: Man, he is late. I'm gonna call him. Do you mind? I'm sorry. [calls Deangelo, Deangelo's phone vibrates]
Deangelo: Excuse me. Hello? You running late?
Michael: No, I'm here. I'm right... I'm at the bar.
Deangelo: I'm at the bar too.
Michael: You are? What bar?
Deangelo: I'm at the bar. The bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel.
Michael: I... do not see you.
Deangelo: How long have you...
Michael: I'm been here about... gosh, over half an hour.
Deangelo: Ok, me too.
Deangelo/Michael: [looking up from phones in unison] Sorry...
Michael: What're you wearing?
Deangelo: I am wearing a grey suit, red tie.
Michael: Are we both at the right place?
Deangelo: Which place?
Michael: I hear your voice.
Deangelo: I hear your voice, I see your lips moving.
Michael: I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand] Michael Scott.
Deangelo: Deangelo Vickers.
Michael: Wow... that is insane! [laughter]
Deangelo: That is insane, that is the right term. Let's get some Vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend.
Michael: [entering Dunder Mifflin offices] Here we go! Are you ready?
Deangelo: I am ready.
Michael: Alright! Here we go!
Michael: This is it. What do you think?
Deangelo: Oh, she'll do. She'll do just fine.
Deangelo: I am very much looking forward to tommorow. It feels like the culmanation of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune...
Michael: [pops up from below camera, and runs out of room]
Deangelo: Did that? Did that just happen?! [runs after Michael] We should.. we should write a movie or something! I'm serious!
Oscar: Michael is leaving. And apparently they've already hired a new manager. And we're meeting him today. It's a lot to process. Paperwork wise.
Kevin: [wearing wig] Nope! It's not Ashton Kutcher. It's Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart! [winks]
Michael: Ok, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for it's own sake. So, without further ado, let's start clapping! Presenting Deangelo Vickers!
Deangelo: [blinds roll down, Deangelo waving]
Michael: Come on out!
Deangelo: Hello! [opens door] How are you sir?
Michael: I am well, sir, how are you?
Deangelo: Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy, something I live with, it's a part of me. I've learned to cope with it. What else, I'm just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a-
Dwight: Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.
Kelly: [drops papers as Deangelo walks by] I'll get that you guys. Don't... it's just... you know...
Deangelo: [picks up paper] I'll help you.
Kelly: Oh, hi! [obviously flirting body language]
Deangelo: Hello!
Kelly: Have we met before?
Deangelo: No, not officially, actually, I saw you walking out of the bathroom before.
Kelly: Well, I guess I'll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you.
Deangelo: [offers Kelly the papers as she walks away]
Kelly: And that is what you call a meet cute.
Michael: And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it's Deangelo the whole time!
Darryl: Kind of embarassing.
Angela: Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid.
Michael: I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy!
Deangelo: Oh. [chuckles] That was... let's see, where's my replacement? Where's the guy I'm replacing? Why don't I look to the left? He's sitting right there! [office laughs]
Michael: Oh yeah... I know... that's what I was just saying... that's what...
Deangelo: [silences Michael]
Andy: That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up 'Hello, my name is..,'] nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself.
Deangelo: [laughs] Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around!
Andy: I wasn't even trying to make a joke. But I guess I've always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted.
Michael: This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes.
Pam: Well, it wasn't an affair.
Michael: Yes it was.
Pam: But, no, but we are a family.
Jim: [points to picture of Cecelia] We made that.
Pam: Cecelia.
Deangelo: Well, congratulations. I have four kids of my own.
Pam: Really? Oh, my gosh! We just have the one, but she poops for four. [laughs]
Pam: Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss!
Jim: Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies.
Dwight: Thanks for meeting me.
Michael: Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle? Where'd you find him.
Dwight: There's no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here.
Michael: You know me very well, Dwight.
Dwight: That's because I'm your right-hand man, Michael, but I can't do it again. I can't do it again for a whole new guy.
Michael: Now I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I'll be off all day.
Dwight: I want to be manager. I just don't understand why I wasn't even interviewed for the job. What's wrong? I was totally qualified, you were pushing for me.
Meredith: That apple looks delic!
Deangelo: I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calor intake under 1200. [laughter]
Stanley: Deangelo, you're going to starve to death. [laughter]
Michael: So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!
Darryl: It's cool that you like the southwest. It's one of my favorite regions.
Darryl: It's one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good.
Darryl: I love the desert. It's one of my favorite ecosystems.
Deangelo: Here's the great thing about the southwest; there's so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you've ever seen.
Kevin: Burnt! It's lush, dummie. Hey, Deangelo, what do you think of bald people? I hate them.
Angela: Deangelo, I forget, did you mention you like politics?
Deangelo: I did not.
Angela: Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend, he's a state senator. I really think the two of you would hit it off. He's a great person to know.
Deangelo: Sounds very interesting, thank you.
Erin: Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Ok, let me transfer you.
Deangelo: Why do you use your name when you use the phone?
Erin: Oh, that's how Pam does it. I just copy her. She's sort of a living legend.
Deangelo: Try it without using your name.
Erin: Dunder Mifflin, this is... oh, I like it!
Deangelo: Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you?
Erin: Oh, assist.
Michael: I sorta like the old way.
Deangelo: I just prefer it without the name and I thought- I've got to start doing some managing at some point.
Michael: I know, I know, I'm sorry, but if it's not a big deal we should just-
Deangelo: And it really isn't.
Michael: Is that good?
Erin: Yeah, ok, good.
Deangelo: Well, I'd like to change it, actually.
Michael: Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work.
Erin: What do you think?
Deangelo: I think a change would be nice.
Michael: You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. [phone rings]
Denagelo: [whispering] Change it.
Erin: [picks up phone] ...I'm so sorry. Sorry. [hangs up]
Deangelo: Hey, funny guy. Wanna have a little mid-day lawl here. Make me laugh, huh? What you got? I can't even look at you.
Andy: Here we go... ok... what do African Americans call... [laughter]
Erin: Deangelo, did you order a barber?
Deangelo: Oh, yeah. Put a pin on that, kid. Can't wait to hear the punchline.
Darryl: Finish the joke, Andy. What do African Americans call?
Andy: I... don't know. Help me.
Ryan: [a barber enters the office for Deangelo] That is so badass. So hardcore.
Phyllis: Yeah, real cool. Real power move.
Deangelo: I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me.
Michael: [to Erin] Shave me. [walks into office with Deangelo] This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!
Deangelo: Ok, alright! I love it! I love it! Michael, this is Reggie. He is the #1 yelp reviewed shaver in Scranton. It's not even close.
Michael: And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. [Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael's face, none on the neck]
Deangelo: Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice, doesn't it?
Michael: It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah, that is nice.
Oscar: You wanted to talk to us Deangelo?
Deangelo: Ah, yes, please! Just cozy up there. Just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups.
Michael: Well, we don't really do rap sessions. We kinda do... [Erin shaves Michael] god... we sorta do more of like powwows or-
Deangelo: Ok, then, powwows then, fine.
Michael: That's-
Pam: Hey, Deangelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece, it is so adorable.
Jim: Alright, wait, little bit of backstory, she loves dogs. She calls them 'da-das'.
Pam: Da-das.
Jim: And what happens here is-
Deangelo: You know what, enough about your baby, ok? I'm sorry.
Jim: We were... I think she was just trying to-
Deangelo: No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it. I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better?
Michael: You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can't say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something.
Oscar: Well, Deangelo, I'd say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent.
Michael: Ok, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don't even really have to worry about.
Erin: Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips.
Michael: Don't shave my lips.
Deangelo: [Andy walks into room] What's up?
Andy: I don't mean to go into a rant here, but...
Andy: I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny.
Andy: ...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. I'm thinking, 'how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.
Deangelo: Let's not talk politics in the office, ok? I like you better as a funny guy.
Andy: [leans on table] I wasn't taking a position. It's just one of those things where- [table collapses under Andy]
Deangelo: [laughter] Now that's funny! That's funny! You walk much?
Andy: Yeah, right, I mean- [walks into door, jokingly]
Deangelo: Little click...
Erin: [pushing box into office] Deangelo, this box came for you.
Deangelo: Thank you. That's my stuff. Yeah. Michael, take a look at this.
Stanley: Need a hand?
Deangelo: Oh, that'd be great, thank you Stanley!
Michael: You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so... you know, let's not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I'm still here-
Ryan: [holds up painting of desert to office, who are impressed]
Michael: I still have to look at this stuff, guys.
Darryl: So this is a ten-gallon hat, huh?
Deangelo: Yep, ten-gallon hat. Technically, it only holds about three quartz. Little factoid.
Kevin: Interesting.
Michael: Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a great fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.
Darryl's sister: [holds out cowboy boots for Darryl]
Darryl: Cool, cool. Alright, see you later.
Darryl's sister: Hey, hey, hey! [holds up set of pistols in holsters]
Darryl: No, I'm good. Keep them.
Deangelo: Hey, funny man! Whatcha got for me? Make me laugh?
Andy: [mimes using a rope to pull himself forward to microwave] Let's see if they have my favorite teas in here... [throws tea packets into air, puts hand in unplugged toaster, pretends to be shocked, takes container of cheese-puffs and throws them into air, pours hot coffee on his pants]
Deangelo: [laughs] Drink some soap!
Andy: [drinks hand soap]
Deangelo: [laughter and applause]
Andy: I guess this is my life now.
Dwight: How do I become a manger at Sabre?
Gabe: First thing's first, thank you for coming here directly. I know you could have called Tallahassee but they would've just looped back to me, so, it's cool you recognized my role here.
Dwight: I left a message at corporate.
Gabe: Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. That'll put you right on the shortlist for next time there's an opening.
Dwight: Can't you just use the recommendation you already have on file?
Gabe: What recommendation?
Dwight: From when he recommended me to replace him.
Gabe: ...I'm sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations.
Deangelo: Best whale watching: easily the west coast. If you're going whale watching on the East Coast, you might wanna bring a magazine called 'West Coast Whales'. [laughter] Because you're not gonna see them-
Michael: [interrupting Deangelo] Snack time! It's the witching hour! It's the sandwitching hour!
Kevin: Awesome!
Phyllis: Mmm, whatcha got?
Michael: PB and J, my mom's recipe! [throws sandwitch at Phyllis]
Angela: Michael! Deangelo has a peanut allergy.
Deangelo: I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts.
Stanley: What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
Michael: I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go! [throws sandwitch into Kevin's open mouth]
Oscar: Michael, this is serious! Do you know what happens if Deangelo touches a peanut?
Michael: What?
Deangelo: Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut, I was itchy for three days, ok? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.
Jim: Wait, so, you don't go into shock or die or anything?
Deangelo: No, Jim, not everything is life or death. I want to feel comfortable.
Michael: Oscar, here you go. [throws sandwitch]
Deangelo: [uses book to stop the sandwitch's flight] You're getting nut particles all in the air!
Michael: No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.
Deangelo: [steps into conference room] Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multi-purpose room, now.
Michael: No, that's good. You just stay in there, stay in there by yourself, loser. No body go in. [disgusted comments by co-workers] No body go in there. Stay where you are.
Oscar: Michael, This is insane.
Michael: No, it's not insane, Oscar. I'm been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you're gonna throw it all away? No.
Jim: Listen, you're the one who decided to leave. Come on, he's the new boss, you know we have to do this.
Michael: Well, who needs him. Guess it's just you and me, Dwight.
Dwight: Correction. Just you. Alright, meeting. Multi-function room.
Deangelo: [walks out] Hold on, Hey Michael, Michael, wait up, hold on. Um, so for these meetings do you just jump into business or do you start with some chit-chat or...?
Michael: I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what, you'll be fine.
Deangelo: Maybe. Maybe not. 50/50. You know what, it is too bad for this place that you're leaving. [extents hands for hug] Bring it in, come on. [Michael doesn't accept hug] Ok. [walks back]
Michael: Ok. [hugs Deangelo from behind] Why did you have to be so damn good?
Deangelo: I... I'm adequete. I'm half as good as you.
Michael: No, no, no. Come on. You are good, they know it.
Deangelo: Will you do me a favour and enjoy this time, ok? You've worked so hard, get your senioritis on. It's Lake Havasu time!
Micahel: Guess I've been working so hard I forgot what it's like to be hardly working.
Deangelo: Ok. What is the Native American girl's name?
Michael: You'll figure it out.
Jim: Hey, Deangelo! Wanna meet Cece?
Deangelo: That's a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute.
Jim: Thank you very much.
Pam: See, we knew it! If he just met her, he'd understand.
Jim: We're back in! Right?
Deangelo: I swear, that baby could be the star of a show entitled 'Babys I Don't Care About.'


Michael: It is six a.m. [DeAngelo yawns] and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars!
DeAngelo: Yes, and this happens every...?
Michael: Every year! This happens, you have a lot to learn my friend. [DeAngelo laughs]
DeAngelo: Well, you know, why don't we try it, and if it goes good it'll be part of my tradition.
Michael: Why do you always say that? You're gonna love it.
Michael: [arriving at the first house] Alright let's go! [DeAngelo runs in the wrong direction] This way, this way! [Michael knocks on the door]
DeAngelo: Thanks.
Michael: Surprise!
DeAngelo: Congratulations!
Jim: Yep, okay...
Michael: You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards!
Jim: Okay.
Michael: [holds up a camera and DeAngelo meows] Here we go! Have Pam come down.
Jim: No she doesn't wa- She's not here.
Pam: What's going on?
Jim: Stay in bed!
Michael: [next house] Congratulations!
Stanley: Have you lost your mind! Get off my property before I call the police!
Michael: We got it.
DeAngelo: Uh, leave it at the door or...?
Michael: Yeah that's fine.
Michael: [next house] Hey Toby! You suck! [throwing eggs at his house]
DeAngelo: Is this an employee of ours?
Michael: [giggles] Go go go go go go!
Michael: [arriving at a dumpy looking, unkempt house] I've never seen this place in the daylight.
DeAngelo: It reminds me of Katrina.
Michael: Here we go, alright got it? Set? [the door is ajar, Michael knocks lightly] Hello? [turns around to see Meredith walking towards her house]
Meredith: I'm so busted! Walk of shame!
DeAngelo: Do you usually leave your door unlocked? And ajar?
Meredith: Ahh, Nice! I got a Dundie nomination!
Michael: Yes you did. That's right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out.
Meredith: No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins. [walks into her house] Let me fix you breakfast!
DeAngelo: [whispers] I'm not going in there.
Michael: [quietly shuts the door] Go.
Michael: [walking into the office] Good morning Erin.
Erin: Oh hey, didn't see you.
Michael: You have big plans for tonight?
Erin: I don't know, maybe volunteer at the shelter, or go to bed, or... I don't know. Maybe I'm going to the Dundies!! [Flashes her Nomination Certificate]
Michael: You are getting so funny! [Erin giggles] Very good.
Michael: The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on.
Michael: Anything can happen at the Dundies! [DeAngelo laughs] They're like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time!
Dwight: Just a little announcement folks, remember, the Dundies is a black tie affair.
Michael: Black tie optional.
Dwight: Every day is black tie optional!
Michael: A la, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!
Kevin: Nice! [rest of the office looks excited]
Phyllis: I love their breadsticks!
Pam: Oh, their breadsticks are like crack!
Ryan: I love when people say like crack when they've obviously never done crack.
Pam: Well the breadsticks are like what then, Ryan, what can I use?
Ryan: I don't know, something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.
Pam: You're right, you're right. I'm a middle class broad. [Jim does his 'Jim face']
Michael: Shh, shh! Okay, okay. Everybody's right. They're like breadsticks on steroids. Right?
Ryan: Yeah that's great.
Michael: So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy. So I'm going to need to train a replacement. So this year, I have decided to have a co-host. [Dwight looks suspecting] And that person is [he and DeAngelo roll their tongues as a drum roll] DeAngelo! [all applaud]
Dwight: Always the padawan, never the Jedi.
DeAngelo: Thank you Michael, uh, but I will have to pass.
Michael: Think of it as part of your training.
DeAngelo: Not much of a performer, unless you count singing in the shower. Boy, okay...
Michael: [smiling] Okay, well we'll work on it.
DeAngelo: [whispers to Michael] Michael, I'm very, very bad.
Michael: You are doing it.
Michael: [all in conference room] Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
DeAngelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a-
Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys...
DeAngelo: This did not happen.
Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay. [Ryan stands next to Michael up front] Ryan how are you today?
Ryan: Why don't you ask my therapist, my mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael: [very excited] There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
DeAngelo: Uhhh, you sir! [points to Jim] Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
DeAngelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
DeAngelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God! [Jim looks at him oddly]
DeAngelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.
Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael: This is my last Dundies ever, if I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?
DeAngelo: [laying down, Michael is sitting on DeAngelo's stomach bouncing up and down in Michael's office] Me mo. Me mo.
Michael: Good. Good. Good!
DeAngelo: Meee Mo, Mee!
Michael: Now, tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood.
DeAngelo: When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court and choose between them.
Michael: [getting off his stomach] Too personal. I don't wanna hear about it. [picking up a portable tape player] Let's try this. Put these on. [DeAngelo puts the headphones in] I am going to turn this on, and turn the volume all the way up. So you can't- [DeAngelo winces] That's right, you're not going to be able to hear yourself. Read this, [gives him a card] and make it sound perfect.
DeAngelo: THE DUNDIES ARE-OW-ABOUT COMING TOGETHER! AND RECOGNIZING, THE ADOMINABILITY OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT! [Jim comes and closes the door]
Michael: Say it with an accent!
DeAngelo: [bad Australian accent attempt] THE DUNDIES!
Michael: [also in a poor Australian accent] The Dundies!
DeAngelo: THE DUNDIES!
Jim: [Jim and Pam are walking outside] I just don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me, and not just regular fries.
Pam: Yeah... [they see Erin eating in her car, and ducking when they see her. Pam knocks on her car window] Hey, Erin, everything okay?
Erin: Get away from the car, he's gonna see you.
Jim: Who's gonna see us?
Erin: [desperately] Just get in! Get in! Just get in!
Jim: Get in the car? [Jim and Pam get in the back seat]
Erin: Please! Sorry. Get in. [Jim and Pam are confused and worried] Sorry sorry sorry.
Pam: What's wrong?
Erin: I eat lunch in the car now. It's my alone time. It's just nice to have some time away from Gabe.
Pam: Why don't you wanna eat lunch with your boyfriend?
Erin: I, really don't like spending time with him.
Pam: Don't you think it's better to tell him the truth now? You know, rather than waste more of his time?
Jim: I think I'm gonna go.
Pam: What?
Jim: I think you got this. Kay? [Erin nods] Alright. Feel better!
Erin: Thank you Jim.
Jim: I'm sorry, that just wasn't interesting to me.
Erin: I can't just dump him Pam, I'm not like you, I can't be mean.
Pam: Wait, when am I...? You just have to be clear and firm. You know, just tell him you don't love him. Just be honest with him. [Erin nods]
Dwight: [standing by the Louie Volpies entrance greeting people and giving them menus]
Kevin: [walks in] Hi!
Dwight: Appalling. [Meredith walks in] Eye sore. [Jim and Pam come in] Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds!
Erin: DeAngelo, Jo's on the phone for you.
DeAngelo: Hello?
Jo: [Michael dressed as Jo Bennett, using a bad Southern accent] DeAngelo! We're in serious horse manure here! The Dundies are tonight! And we ain't got no host!
DeAngelo: Oh no!
Jo: Luckily I have someone for you!
DeAngelo: Billy Crystal?
Jo: Better.
DeAngelo: Neil Patrick Harris?
Jo: He's in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi! [everyone in the audience is laughing]
DeAngelo: Ughhh, I gotta find Michael Scott! And then I gotta, [Russel Brand impression] Get Him to the Dundies!
DeAngelo: [in the office near the accountants] Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott Angela?
Angela: [Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice] My boyfriend can, he's a state senator.
Audience: [laughing]
DeAngelo: Mmhmm.
Angela: Oh wait, he can't help because that title has no meaning!
Oscar: [laughing]
Oscar: Try Jim DeAngelo, he'll be able to help.
DeAngelo: Jim! Do you know where I can find Michael Scott?
Jim: [Michael is wearing a wig that is very close to Jim's actual hair, and he is wearing fake earrings, and speaking in a punk-ish deep voice] I totally don't know where Michael is, dude, hey you wanna listen to some records?
Jim: [shaking head at the camera]
DeAngelo: No one is listening to me! And I'm running out of time!
Phyllis: [Micheal dressed as Phyllis, pretending to knit] Well, what are you talking about? [cracking noise] Ohh! Ohh! [falls onto the ground] I've fallen and I can't get up!
DeAngelo: Maybe I just need to look into my heart. [in the bathroom in front of the mirror] DeAngelo, where is Michael Scott. [his reflection in the mirror turns around to reveal that it is Michael]
Michael: I'm here. [DeAngelo gasps and turns around] In a good way! I've been here the whole time.
Oscar: The analytical part of me wants to examine it, but I know it has no content.
Dwight: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for you co-host this evening, Michael Gary Scott. [Michael comes running up to stage as people applaud] Please remain standing for your other co-host, and new manager, DeAngelo Jeremitrius Vickers! [DeAngelo presents himself, and changes his mind and runs off] Was that part of the...?
Michael: [in the bathroom] DeAngelo, what are you doing? There's a live audience out there!
DeAngelo: Go do it by yourself, get Ryan.
Michael: No, Ryan would never do it. It's too on the radar. Look, look. The boss, hosts, the Dundies! It's sort of our perk!
DeAngelo: This was not, part of the job description!
Michael: Listen to me, you're not doing this for me, you're not doing this for you, you're not even doing this for them!
DeAngelo: Who am I doing this for?
Michael: [slaps him] You're doing this for all those kids out there, eating off the Louie Volpies kid's menu, wondering: Does it get better? What I want you to do, is I want you to say: It's showtime. Get out there.
DeAngelo: I can't. [Michael slaps him again]
Michael: Say it.
DeAngelo: Stop, hitting me.
Michael: You can do it, just say it.
DeAngelo: Hit me again. [Michael slaps him once more]
Michael: Now hit me. [DeAngelo slaps him] One, two, three.
Together: It's showtime.
Michael: Alright, here we go.
Michael: Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line. [everyone laughs]
DeAngelo: Fall asleep right after sex. Huh guys?
Jim: Nope, go back to the script.
Michael: There are a lot of great salesmen in this office, but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad. And a close personal friend of mine, Jim Halpert! Best Dad Dundie! [Dwight plays a celebratory honking noise on his keyboard]
Jim: Wow! I do not parent for the award but I gotta tell you It feels pretty good. Uh, Cece, if you're watching this at home it's way past your bedtime, by the way how'd this get televised?
Michael: Well done.
Jim: I don't know maybe being a good dad is just all in your own compass. I don't know, I don't know. Thank you!
Michael : Alright. [all applaud Jim]
Pam: You didn't think to mention me huh?
Jim: Didn't I?
Michael: Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. [Pam gets ready and Jim smiles at her] I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office. Meredith Palmer!
Meredith: [jogs up and makes out with Michael, who is unwilling] Tell ya one thing, I'm not gonna be a good mom tonight! Whooo!
Dwight: Excuse me, can I get a photo of the Best Mom and the Best Dad please?
Jim: I gotta go do this.
Pam: [annoyed] Why?
Dwight: Big smiles folks! There they are.
Michael: Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the office goes to, [Ryan stands up] Danny Cordray! [Ryan quickly sits] Danny couldn't be here tonight...
Ryan: How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Uhm, I'm very relieved. How do you, how do you judge something like that? What is the criteria even? It's, it's so subjective.
Michael: Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. [Stanley looks angry] But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! [Stanley slowly walks over, angry] Come on up here you sick bastard.
Phyllis: I have diabetes too. You don't see me making a big deal about it.
DeAngelo: They say he's going to be my right hand man, adlib masturbation joke. [realizing he wasn't supposed to read that directly off the cue card, speaks quietly] No, I hate this, I hate it so much. [loud again] Dwight Schrute! Please accept this promising Assistant Manager Dundie. [people clap as Dwight takes the microphone, he is obviously unenthused] Thank you, thank you so much. I would like to thank something that we, uh, take for granted in our daily lives. And that is the humble trashcan. [Creed nods] This is for you trashcan! [walks off and throws the Dundie into the trashcan]
Manager: [the manager of Louie Volpies approaches a giggling Kevin, who is coloring with crayons on the tablecloth] Who gave you those crayons?
Kevin: I brought them from home! Do you have a red?
Manager: This is a cloth tablecloth! You can't color on it!
Kevin: Oh really? [camera shows that Kevin has drawn a house on the tablecloth.
Michael: You know, herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? [manager looks up, angrily at Michael] Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley, what do thay all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here and receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award! [Erin looks thrilled and walks up to the stage]
Meredith: That is bull! [throws her Dundie]
Erin: Thank you, thank you! This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life. [Gabe and Andy smile at her] People are right about the Dundies, they are magical. But, I don't feel it. And I think that's because I'm not with the right person. Gabe, we should break up.
Gabe: What?
Erin: I'm not attracted to you. I just, I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, right Pam? [Pam looks very awkward] Thank you for hearing me.
Gabe: [stands up and walks to stage, takes the microphone] Well, this is embarrassing, um, I'm obviously really angry at Erin. It's that quarter life crisis everyone's been talking about. [Jim is looking wide eyed, jaw dropped] Alright I'm gonna go. [Dwight plays cricket noises]
Michael: [escorts Erin off stage] There you go.
Darryl: Damn that was cold.
Michael: It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and tries to go back to his seat]
Audience: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
DeAngelo: Hold on, hold on one second. [puts on the headphones and turns the volume up all the way] I WANNA, I WANNA, I FEEL TRULY BLESSED! UHHH, TO BE WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU! BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, FUNNY STORY, I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, VOMITTING, AND VOMITTING IN THE MEN'S ROOM!
Manager: Okay, okay. [trying to stop him from offending other people in his restaurant]
DeAngelo: THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR MOST OF THE EVENING...
Michael: [stopping Manager] DeAngelo is expressing himself. [manager pulls the microphone cable, everyone can still here DeAngelo.
DeAngelo: This is truly special, for me! And uh, anyway. It's so much lighter!
Michael: Okay, we're done! That's it.
DeAngelo: Michael, are we?!
Michael: We're done. We're done!
Michael: [Outside of the restaurant, obviously sad] So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it'd be more like Godfather Three. That rapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather One! That was, very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh well...
Pam: Michael, we were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going!
Michael: What?
DeAngelo: I know I'm the cause of this royal screw up but I would like to see this show go on.
Michael: No, no. You're being too hard on yourself. We had a very truncated rehearsal time.
Pam: Let's grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started. [others nod in agreement]
Michael: So what you're saying is you kinda like it? [Phyllis impression] I've fallen and I can't get up! [normal again] That Phyllis bit, that was pretty good.
Jim: I don't know that we need to dissect it all now, but-
Michael: That got a big laugh.
Jim: That did. Pretty huge laugh.
Michael: [to Stanley, who is cracking up again] You were laughing right?
Stanley: I was.
DeAngelo: [with Dwight and Michael outside Michael's car] You know what, I have to go to the bathroom.
Michael: We're really close.
DeAngelo: I can just run over to the gas station.
Dwight: We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room?
Michael: That's true, we wouldn't get seats together.
DeAngelo: Okay, fine I'll hold it.
Michael: [in the car] You know, despite a couple hiccups, I think that went very well.
Dwight: I thought it was the worst Dundies I've ever been to.
Michael: Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award.
Dwight: Gladly! I'd accept that award, because a bitch, is a female dog!
DeAngelo: [as Michael pulls over and stops the car] Please don't stop so suddenly, the seatbelt is pressing on my bladder. Why are you even wearing a seatbelt, you're sitting in the backseat, baby.
Michael: What is your problem?!
Dwight: I just don't see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue is bad, the fashion is boring.
Michael: Okay! That, that is unfair! The clothing was safe, but tasteful.
Dwight: And next time, why don't you pick a co-host, that doesn't have microphone-a-phobia!
DeAngelo: [very uncomfortable] Look, what ever you're going to do, how long is it going to take? Ballpark. 'Cause I just, I gotta make a decision here. [gets out and slams the door]
Michael: He is in an all-out sprint.
Michael: [in conference room] Here... [Andy walks in] Okay! By his own omission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award goes to, Andy Bernard! [Andy walks up]
Andy: A lot of people I'd like to thank, but I think we all actually wanna thank you Michael.
Michael: Oh, okay. [nods to him]
Andy: I mean, we actually all really wanna thank you, for everything.
Darryl: [starts playing the tune to Seasons of Love while Andy sits down]
Michael: Oh my God, something's happening.
Andy: [singing] Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
Pam: In costumes!
Jim: And impressions!
Toby: In meetings.
Erin and Kelly: And cups of coffee.
Kevin: For birthdays!
Stanley: More meetings and-
Women: E-Mail forms you made us read.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
Meredith: You hit me with your car!
Ryan: You helped me get off drugs!
Creed: I watch you when you sleep.
Oscar: I forgive you for kissing me!
All: Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call.
Kelly and Erin: Call, text or e-mail, or call.
DeAngelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love!
All: Remember to call, remember to, call. Remember to call.
Michael: [choked up] Yeah, okay. [pauses, then takes a deep breath] Well this is gonna hurt like a mother[bleep].
DeAngelo: [recall to Dundies at Louie Volpies] Every day, millions of Americans suffer from extreme repulsiveness. Someone in our midst, is bringing that problem to light. Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the Extreme Repulsiveness Award. Oh that's so mean!
Michael: No it's not.
Oscar: [Toby is shaking his head, no] It's his last Dundies.
Jim: You gotta play along man.
Oscar: Come on Toby.
Michael: Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it! [Toby comes up and take the mic]
Toby: I really disagree with this. I think it's kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case I was recently a juror on. The Scranton Strangler. That man's being put to death. I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty any more. [Dwight plays a clip from the song Oh Yeah: Ohhhh yeah! Chica chicaaa]


Michael: [sitting on the roof of the office building] Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here, getting used to the altitude.
Dwight: [walking up] Michael?
Michael: Yes?
Dwight: I've got a treat for you!
Michael: Ahh, thank you. Like a butler.
Dwight: Colorado specialty, Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Michael: [Michael takes one and bites] Oh, these do not taste like oysters.
Dwight: [angrily] That's because they're Not oysters, they're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! [Michael spits it out] Hah!
Michael: Sick freak! What is wrong with you?
Dwight: What is wrong with you? I'm the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didn't recommend me?!
Michael: I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? [Dwight scoffs] The job was not mine to give. [sighs] Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies.
Dwight: Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio?
Michael: Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket...
Dwight: Great idea.
Michael: ...in order to feed the bears.
Dwight: Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs!
Michael: How do you mean?
Dwight: Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael, what are you thinking?! And they run faster than a horse, so if you were thinking about outrunning one on a horse I would try a cheetah. You, in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a Black Bear. Do you understand? [Michael nods in agreement] You're like a giant walking salami!
Michael: Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?
Dwight: Any kind of meat that you can possibly name!
Michael: Okay.
DeAngelo: [with Michael in his office] You're not gonna take all these toys are you?
Michael: Hm?
DeAngelo: I mean you don't have a job lined up, so it's not like you have a desk to put 'em on.
Michael: Well I have interviews.
DeAngelo: That's nice. [reaches and a grabs a toy truck] How 'bout that truck? Can I have this little truck? I was thinking I might... glue a stapler on top. Or put a hole here, stick pens in it. [Michael gives an obviously fake smile] You okay?
Michael: Yes. Yes, you know what? Take my favorite truck. Sure.
DeAngelo: You know what? Uh, it's your last couple days, I'm gonna get out of your hair.
Michael: Oh you don't, that's-
DeAngelo: I will be in the break room.
Michael: That sounds good. Thank you.
DeAngelo: Dead man walking.
Michael: Sad? No, no, no. I don't leave 'til tomorrow, so... Tomorrow I will be a wreck.
Gabe: [sees Andy walk into the Men's Room and follows him in] Stay away from Erin! [cornering him in the bathroom]
Andy: Hey!
Gabe: I'm your boss!
Andy: Why don't you, uh, stay away from me?
Gabe: No, I'm gonna stand where I want. Okay? You don't wanna get on my bad side! I've seen some horrible things! I own over two hundred horror movies!
Andy: Okay! That's so weird! Just go away!
Gabe: No! You go away! [storms out, toilet flushes, Jim exits the bathroom]
Andy: [weak] Hi Tuna.
Jim: So you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?
Phyllis: [in the conference room with Pam, Angela, and Meredith] How about cupcakes?
Angela: Please.
Pam: What's wrong with cupcakes?
Angela: Everything.
Michael: [walking in] There they are! Party Planning Committee together again!
Pam: Well we all wanted to plan your goodbye party. We thought this would be easier.
Pam: We thought.
Angela: It's an experiment.
Phyllis: The three of us have all been chairmen before.
Pam: So this is the dream team.
Meredith: [walking up behind the glass] Hey! What are you saying?!
Angela: The dream team... and Meredith.
Meredith: [to Michael] We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, your favorite.
Michael: Mmm!
Phyllis: Yeah that was a surprise...
Michael: You know what, I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody'll like. How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla.
Pam: [surprised] Okay.
Michael: Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. Alright?
Pam: Should we get toppings?
Michael: What do you like Pam?
Pam: [confused] What?
Michael: What kind of toppings would you like?
Pam: Hot fudge?
Michael: Sounds good. Fudge it up! [all seem surprised at Michael's behavior]
Michael: [holding up his 'World's Best Boss Mug'] I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. [holds up a Dundie that reads, 'World's Best Boss 2011, Michael G. Scott', throws his mug into the garbage can and places his Dundie at the front of his desk] I still need something to drink out of though.
Michael: [pulls out a list of everyone in the office, then puts it back in his jacket] Attention everyone, before I leave tomorrow I would like to reveal a secret I have kept for over twenty years. A secret about Phyllis.
Phyllis: Please Michael.
Michael: When Phyllis was in high school, she was so... cute. [Phyllis looks relieved] And she still is.
Phyllis: I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.
Phyllis: [holds up mittens she's knitting] Look Michael, it's a going away present so your hands won't get cold.
Michael: Ahh.
Phyllis: It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring-dry gently, and use a hairdryer on cool.
Michael: [hesitantly] Sounds great, I just think it's great. Oh, I have gifts as well! [goes into his office and comes out with a bag] And I will start, by giving the first gift to Phyllis! Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should. Because you have great ideas. So Phyllis, I am giving you this, so you can always remember to speak your mind. [presents to her a mouth wind-up chattering toy]
Phyllis: It's cute. [plays with it]
Michael: Stanley, you love your Sudoku and your puzzles, I bestow upon you, my felt. [gives Stanley a small felt table] May you never lose the fun loving quality in life.
Stanley: Where's the rest of it, it's got no balls.
Michael: Well, okay... And Andy, Andy who needs confidence that he is a great salesman. I give you, my clients, our ten most important accounts. [other salesmen look outraged]
Andy: Wow.
Stanley: [angry] Yeah wow!
Andy: You know I'm the worst salesman here right?
Michael: But you're the best salesman, on the inside.
Phyllis: What does that even mean?
Michael: You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted.
Andy: I'm gonna lose 'em.
Michael: You're not gonna lose them.
Andy: I promise you that I will.
Michael: Just do your best! I have faith in you.
Stanley: [as Michael walks away, Stanley whispers angrily to Andy] Gimme those clients!
Andy: No.
Phyllis: [to Dwight] Do you believe that?!
Dwight: I've given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing.
DeAngelo: I used to be obese. Once you've conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I'm not saying I'm superman, but, let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I'm pretty sure everything would be fine. I almost welcome it. [winks]
Michael: Kevin, I have something for you.
Kevin: Oh! [Michael unrolls it to reveal it is a caricature of Kevin as a pig eating pizza]
Michael: You know who that is?
Kevin: Oh...
Michael: [rips the poster in half] Don't be a caricature Kevin, never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up?
Kevin: Better...
Michael: Good, stand up. [Kevin does so] You will be thin. You Won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore.
Kevin: But...
Michael: You will find love.
Kevin: Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now.
Michael: Don't be. You should never settle for who you are. [moving on] Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, you are-
Andy: I just lost Porter Hardware! I just, I lost 'em!
Michael: [quietly groans] Okay, you know what? Just do your best buddy! Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education. And, I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this. [takes a sack tied in the upper middle making a crude head, with a face drawn on, obviously the product of poor craftsmanship, Oscar pretends to like it]
Oscar: Thank you Michael. It's beautiful.
Michael: [laughing] It looks like a [more laughing] It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! [laughs more] He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody!
Michael: Was it just me, or did you think that we were going to have sex at some point?
Angela: It was just you...
Michael: How would you have wanted to do it? Okay, okay. You know what? Inappropriate. I am engaged happily, and you have landed yourself a Senator.
Oscar: State Senator.
Michael: Mmhmm, bravo!
Oscar: Brava!
Angela: You wanna see some pictures? I just got these.
Michael: Sure!
Angela: Uhm, these are, okay this is us at the theater. And antiquing! Oh, rollerblading.
Michael: Who's that? Who's that guy? [points to second guy in the pictures]
Angela: Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide.
Michael: I guess this could be the one, huh?
Angela: Yeah. [Oscar shakes his head no]
Andy: [walking into the kitchen, DeAngelo is using the coffee machine to cook chicken covered in melted chocolate] Hey.
DeAngelo: [hurriedly, while hiding the chocolate covered chicken] Hey!
Andy: I'm going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up.
DeAngelo: Let's rip it up homes. [smacks top of the door frame with his hand, leaving a chocolate hand outline]
Gabe: [Andy walks by with DeAngelo, says quietly after he leaves] Walk away bitch.
Oscar: [Michael is leaving the accounting area] Oh Michael! Where do you want your last pay check sent?
Michael: My last pay check?
Oscar: You have an address yet in Colorado?
Michael: No.
Oscar: What town do Holly's parents live in?
Michael: I'm not sure, um, Mountainton?
Kevin: Sounds beautiful!
Pam: [Michael sits alone eating at the back of the kitchen, Pam comes in with Jim, Creed and Kevin] You should do more stuff like that.
Kevin: I'm going to!
Jim: [to Michael] Hey! It's almost your last day, come sit with us.
Michael: Nah, I'm almost done.
Jim: You sure?
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder.
Kevin: Finally! That old shredder sucked.
Pam: It's a good shredder, it just keeps breaking.
Kevin: Yeah, it won't shred magazines.
Pam: It's not supposed to shred magazines Kevin.
Kevin: I know...
Jim: Did you break the shredder Kevin?
Kevin: No, it's just... that old shredder sucks. [Michael looks tearful] Just get one that'll shred magazines.
Pam: I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines.
Michael: [crying] I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one, and I don't think my credits will transfer. Ugh, and you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote. [picks World's Best Boss mug out of the trashcan and puts it back on his desk] I gotta call her, and I'm going to tell her, that I cannot come. [dials on his phone]
Holly: [on phone] Hello there!
Michael: Hi. What is the name of our town?
Holly: Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay?
Michael: No, no. I just needed to hear your voice.
Holly: [Yoda voice] Oh you mean this?
Michael: [laughing] Yes. [Olive Oyl impression] Yes my hero!
Holly: [deep man voice] I'll pay the rent! [Michael laughs] Okay, my mom's looking at me and she has no sense of humor. It's a joke mom!
Michael: [laughing] Ohh, I miss you.
Holly: Well I'll see you tonight. I'll pick you up outside baggage claim.
Michael: Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you.
Holly: I love you too.
Michael: [hangs up and composes himself] Yes, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm, I'm gonna be leaving tonight. I head to the airport at four. [looks at the list of members of the office, with some names crossed out] And I have said goodbye to half of them.
Toby: Well you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.
Michael: [grimaces and nods, Toby nods back at him] Okay.
Toby: [smiling] Okay.
Michael: [walks over to Kelly] Kelly! Kelly? Kelly.
Kelly: [doing make up and irritated] What?!
Michael: If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you?
Kelly: Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice.
Michael: [in Ryan's office, which is illuminated blue] She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.
Ryan: Wow. [camera pans over to show that the light is from Michael's St. Pauli Girl Sign, hanging in Ryan's office]
Michael: Yeah.
Ryan: This is... totally unnecessary.
Michael: You're not prone to seizures?
Ryan: No.
Pam: [in conference room with the party planning committee] So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want?
Meredith: [quickly] Erotic.
Angela: See? This is what happens. You can't let a stray dog into the house.
Phyllis: Hmm, let's hear here out. I would like to hear more about these cakes. [Angela and Pam look uncomfortable]
Meredith: I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.
Angela: Good God...
Meredith: They make these cakes, they're wild! I mean, they show everything!
Pam: I don't, I don't think we sh-
Meredith: I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black, they do it all. And the women on these cakes, they're not just guy's fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing.
Pam: [stopping her] Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue.
Phyllis: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it feels good to be represented on one.
Pam: You know what, I think we should get some other input.
Kelly: I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.
Phyllis: Yeah, cupcakes. That's what I said.
Angela: No! I'm not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms! You know, we don't really care about your opinion. You're just a tie-breaker.
Michael: [sees Pam walking towards the door of the office] Um, Pam.
Pam: Oh, hey Michael! I'm just going to go to Carbondale to price some shredders. I'll see you later.
Michael: [disappointed] Okay... [Jim is confused]
Erin: [walking into the women's bathroom, Gabe storms in after her] Gabe!
Gabe: I need to talk to you!
Erin: You can't be in here. This is a lady's room!
abe: Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here everytime you go if that's what it takes. [Creed walks out of one of the stalls]
Erin: Hey Creed.
Creed: Not cool man. [walks out]
Erin: I really think you should leave.
Gabe: Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room.
Erin: Can we talk about this later, I have to go.
Gabe: Just read the letter under your windshield wiper, it explains everything. Quick one. [leans in for a kiss]
Erin: Gabe!
Gabe: Okay... [walks out embarrassed]
Toby: [on video cam with his brother] Here's the thing Rory, I knew you guys would hit it off in an odd way.
Rory: I can bring him a welcome basket. I'll surprise him.
Toby: Do- Well you should give him a little time to settle in. But-
Rory: Does he like jams? My shelves are over flowing with preserves.
Toby: Well, no. He hates jams.
Michael: [walking into Darryl's office] Darryl!
Darryl: Hey.
Michael: I would like to give you, the only copy, of Somehow I Manage. [hands him a thin black folder] Unfinished. If there's anyone here who can finish it, it's you.
Darryl: That's sweet Mike. Let's see here. There's a chapter, called Gum. With one sentence. Everybody likes the guy who offers him a stick of gum.
Michael: Mmmhmmm. It's true. Darryl, I have one last wish. I would like to use the bailer.
Darryl: No. Can't let you do that Mike.
Michael: No problem. Worth a try.
Michael: [in warehouse] Darryl said I could use the bailer because I'm leaving.
Warehouse Guy: No.
Michael: [picks up a basketball and dribbles it away from the basket] Alright guys, well... see ya later warehouse. Catch you on the flippity flip. [throws the ball behind him and misses the basket, tries and misses several more times]
DeAngelo: [in car with Andy] okay, so what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? [Andy stares blankly] Hmm?
Andy: I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.
DeAngelo: That's stupid. [laughing. Nervously, Andy laughs with him]
Andy: [joking] What do I know?
DeAngelo: [still laughing] What do you know? We gotta get psyched up! Okay? Guy? Let's get psyched! Is there an animal shelter on the way?
Andy: [confused] Yeah.
DeAngelo: Awesome! Ani Ani Shelto! Here we come. Do you know how to high-five?
Andy: Yeah!
DeAngelo: Cause if you do now's the time.
Andy: [going for it] Alright.
DeAngelo: Not while I'm driving.
Michael: [still trying the backwards basket] Catch you guys- [forklift drives in front of the camera] Catch you guys on the filippity flip. [misses and picks it up again] Flippity flip! [misses again and grabs it back] Flippity flip! [makes it in, gets excited] Really? [composes himself] Okay, see ya guys! [walks away, containing his self-pleasure]
DeAngelo: [at the animal shelter with Andy] You know how I met Jo Bennett? And got started on my ladder of success?
Andy: No. I don't.
DeAngelo: [hands Andy a dog] I'm walking along, out of work. Again. Thinking to myself, 'I only have enough cash to by a sandwich, or get drunk. And I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog! So I grab the dog. He runs off. She's so grateful, she hires me.
Andy: Awwhh, wow.
DeAngelo: Gimme that dog! That's not your dog! [takes the dog from a confused Andy] Yeah! Again.
Andy: Oh, okay...
DeAngelo: Gimme that damn dog you f***ing thief! Don't ever do It again! [Andy nods modestly] You hear me?! [Andy nods again] You feel that energy?
Andy: Mmhmmm.
DeAgnelo: Wooo! Yeah! [parades in circles with the dog, pretends to whack Andy with it] [giving it to Andy] Okay, again.
Erin: I know that Gabe is young, and hot and everything. And he's begging me to reconsider, but I... I just think I'm in love with someone else.
Michael: Kevin?
Erin: Andy.
Michael: Ahhhh...
Erin: I wish I knew who my birth mother was, so she could just tell me who to choose.
Michael: Maybe neither.
Erin: I'm not attracted to Kevin.
Michael: Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this. At all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful. And you are fun. And you are smart. [Erin is smiling] And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. [kisses her head] And you know what? You don't need a mom. Because you have my number, and you can call me anytime.
Erin: [nods] Extension 147.
Michael: N-
Erin: I know.
Michael: Okay. [both chuckling. Michael leaves Erin, looking thoughtful]
Phyllis: [on the phone] You want the 27-26 or the 27-30?
Michael: Phyllis. Phyllis, are my mittens done?
Phyllis: No. [trying to finish her sale when Michael hangs up the phone] I'm on a sale!
Michael: Listen to me. It's two p.m. From now until four, your priority is knitting. Knit like the wind.
Phyllis: Okay... [Jim gives a knowing look to the camera]
Michael: Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow. [pulls out an envelope from his jacket]
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: So I wanted to give you that. [hands him the envelope] It's a letter of recommendation. [Dwight looks eager. Michael nods to him and walks away]
Dwight: This is gonna be good. [eagerly reading the letter] To whom it may concern. [off to the side] Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. [reading again] The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme. [to the side again] That's great, if I wanted the dictionary definition I'd buy a dictionary. [reading again, slowly gets sadder] I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme. [holding back tears] Lot's more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulling out a small card from the envelope. Reads it] Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball. [checks his watch quickly] Ohhh, yeah.
Dwight: [opening his trunk excitedly and gets out his paintball gear, takes his gun and looks for Michael, gives up, Michael jumps out of the dumpster shooting, they shoot each other, yell, laugh, and taunt, having a great time]
Michael: [in the office, crosses Dwight off his list. He has paint in his messed up hair, and is containing his laughter]
DeAngelo: [giving his and Andy's pitch to a client] I would just like to start off saying, I have not worked with Mr. Andy Bernard for very long, I can say, is that he is no Michael Scott. I can't sit here and tell you he's gonna be a success. I can't sit here and tell you that he's even the best man for the job. [Andy looks awkward] But I can say this: He's got potential. Sure. You know, I always say: go big, or go home. You go with This guy, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life, OR, the biggest, Good decision of your life. It's either gonna be the best thing you ever did, or the worst thing you ever did. If you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it, for the agreed upon price, [Andy looks hopeful] Andy's not your guy. [Andy deflates] You ever play Russian Roulette? [scoffs] Time to spin the chamber horse. By signing up for another year. [hands the client a folder he needs signed for another year's contract]
Jim: [Michael walks into the office, still a mess] Ahh, what happened to you?
Michael: You should see the other guy.
Dwight: [smiles knowingly]
Michael: [looks at the clock to see it is three o'clock] Jim where is Pam?
Jim: Uhh, she's still pricing the whatevers. The shredders.
Michael: But it is already three o'clock! [Michael leaves, Jim gives a knowing look to the camera]
Pam: [walks into a movie theater showing The King's Speech]
Michael: [in his office talking to Creed, Gabe, and Meredith in that order] Whether you're scared of dying, or dying Alone, or dying drunk in a ditch. Don't be. It's going to be okay.
Michael: Yeah I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.
Michael: [Gabe is still standing in front of Michael's desk] And you, why are you still here.
Gabe: [sounding hurt] I'm either going to quit today, or stay to make sure that Andy's career is destroyed.
Michael: No, you are not going to quit today. For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day in the office. Everybody gets dumped Gabe. Can I give you a piece of advice? [Gabe nods] A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, and make you look less like a transvestite. [Gabe looks awkward and Michael winks]
DeAngelo: [walking out the client's room with Andy] That is cold sir! Absolutely cold. You know what? It was a complete waste of my time.
Andy: Uh DeAngelo, I'm, uh. I forgot my bag, so I'll meet you in the car.
DeAngelo: [grumbles] Okay whatever.
Andy: [walks into the client's office again] Sir, I'd just like to apologize, for that. I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is I think he's just a terrible salesman. And I want you to know, that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call.
Client: Keep talking.
DeAngelo: [on his phone waiting for Andy, next to their car] Yes. Okay, alright. No, well thank you! Alright, take care. [hangs up] You'll never guess, we did it!
Andy: [laughing] Hey! [they hug] Good job boss!
DeAngelo: We did it!
Michael: [standing in front of his office, sees that it is three forty five] Okay, everybody come on. Conference room five seconds! Let's go! Hurry up, let's do this! [Dwight runs into the conference room. All others follow]
Stanley: Yes, what is this about?
Michael: What is this meeting about?
Stanley: Mmhmmm.
Michael: Okay, here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here, together, because I have something important. Well there's two things actually. Okay first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam. [Jim looks regretful] And secondly, Phyllis how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them. I'm leaving for the day at four.
Phyllis: They're almost done but my knuckles are swelling a little and-
Michael: [cutting her off] Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it!
Stanley: Is that it?
Michael: Umm, hmm?
Stanley: Is that it?
Michael: [the office looks up expectantly] Ummm... Hm... No. [changing his mind] No. There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes, he's coming right in. [walks out and then back in, now using a Vietnamese accent] Oh hi everybody, it's Ping! [the office groans] And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people! Thank you everybody! You've been so wonderful! [only Kevin is laughing. Stanley tries to leave. Michael hugs him] I ruv you all! I ruv you very much!
Jim: Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Michael: Sure. [Ping accent] Be right out!
Jim: [brings Michael into his office] So I've been meaning to tell ya, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.
Michael: [sad] Ohh...
Jim: What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?
Michael: [holding back tears] Okay...
Jim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today right?
Michael: Maybe.
Jim: Wow, so that's it huh? Just, four o'clock and you are gone for good.
Michael: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes... goodbyes are a bitch.
Michael: [pulls out a recorder and speaks softly into it] T-Shirt idea, goodbyes stink. Okay, alright. So. James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company, as a fine young man...
Jim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you... what a great boss, you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had. [Jim is holding back tears too]
Michael: [hears a taxi honking] Oh shoot! That's my cab.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: Alright.
Jim: Listen Michael, I really... I did text Pam, but...
Michael: I know, it's okay. Just, give her a hug. Alright?
Jim: [shakes Michael's hand] I will see you, tomorrow at lunch.
Michael: I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.
Jim: [chuckles] You got it.
Michael: Okay... [crosses Jim off his list] Phyllis.
Phyllis: Oh no, they're still not done.
Michael: No no no, let me see. [picks up the mostly knitted mittens] Oh Phyllis, nice try. I love 'em. [waves goodbye to her with the mittens] [Michael begins walking out the office, he takes one last look at all his friends to see them working, and Jim looking back, teary eyed]
Creed: [drinking from Michael's World's Best Boss mug] See ya tomorrow boss!
Michael: Later guys. [leaves the office]
Michael: Got almost everybody. So... Holly's my family now. [you see video of Michael getting into the cab, and driving off. As the cab leaves, Pam drives in] She's my family. The babies that I make with her, will be my children. The people that you work with, are just... when you get down to it... your very best friends. They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. [You see Michael getting out and entering the airport, and going through security] I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?
Michael: [putting his shoes back on, talking to the camera crew] Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. Alright... Oh! [pulls out his mic from his shirt] This is gonna feel so good, getting this thing off my chest. [he hands them the body mic, when he speaks it is inaudible now] That's what she said! [waves goodbye and walks off to his gate, halfway there Pam comes running up to him and they hug for a while. They say their goodbyes to each other, and Michael walks off for good]
Pam: [watching Michael's plane take off. Crying and has smeared make up on] No he wasn't sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an award's member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.
DeAngelo: [all are in the conference room for Michael's party. Michael isn't there. Jim gives the camera a knowing look] Well if he's not gonna make it at least we should go ahead and eat the cake. [Kevin nods] I for one love the corners. [cuts a corner piece, picks it up with his bare hands, and takes a bite] Why'd I just do that? It's not even that good. I don't even want it. I had cake for lunch. [throws the piece in the garbage] No, you know what? I've been good. I deserve this. [grabs a piece from another corner. The office groans] What am I doing? [chucks it into the trashcan] Come on DeAngelo! [DeAngelo tries to lick the cake, everybody yells no]
Dwight: [to Jim] Uh oh... [Jim, tearful, nods]