Dwight: What is this?
Jim: Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight: You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?
Jim: Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
Jim: I think it'll take you a little longer than that.
Dwight: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my - [sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, desk and chair are made of paper, Dwight crashes to the floor]
Stanley: Eh...
Phyllis: I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have.
Stanley: I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat. [Kevin is wearing the same hat]
Phyllis: This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is 'Nights in Morocco'. This isn't your grandmothers Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.
Michael: Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get in to the party?
Phyllis: Yes.
Michael: Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.
Phyllis: Angela. You're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme.
Angela: It's the nativity scene.
Phyllis: Alright. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant and the north African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer.
Angela: I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.
Phyllis: I need you to get rid of the tree.
Angela: But-
Phyllis: Thank you.
Phyllis: Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be black mail, it would have to be a formal letter.
Jim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil.
Dwight: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: 'My horn can pierce the sky'. Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess? [makes doll nod]
Jim: That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight: I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?
Jim: Yes.
Michael: Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight: They are now.
Michael: Cool. [sings] My horn can pierce the sky.
Michael: This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything.
Meredith: [drinks] Oh... my... GOD!!! [laughs] Hit me again.
Michael: Alright... One more time around the block.
Jim: I will grant you one wish.
Pam: I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Jim: Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes. [Pam laughs] Dumb.
Andy: [sitting on floor playing the sitar] Hey, hey... Ange... check it out. [sings] There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. [laughs]
Angela: Really Andy? It's Christmas and your singing about nudity and France.
Andy: [sings] There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all.
Michael: Jim, Jim...
Jim: What is it?
Michael: That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka.
Jim: Wow, that is delicious.
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Can't believe no ones thought of that.
Michael: I know.
Meredith: [dancing drunkenly] Ahh yeah!!
Meredith: [continuing to dance, lifting her shirt] Belly dancing!
Guy buying doll: 120, 180... 200.
Dwight: All right.
Guy: Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this.
Dwight: Oh, so glad I could help.
Guy: Thanks.
Dwight: Merry Christmas.
Guy: You too.
Dwight: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching.
Michael: [sighs] Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.
Jim: [Meredith's hair is on fire] Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Dwight: We got a live one! On fire!! [Dwight extinguishes Meredith]
Meredith: I'm all right. I'm all right.
Andy: Sorry.
Oscar: We're back on the 5th, should we just do it then?
Michael: Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth
Oscar: What about February 2nd?
Jim: Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day?
Michael: No, no. I celebrate privately.
Jim: That's cool.
Michael: Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.
Oscar: Now? It's our Christmas party.
Michael: We'll do it quickly.
Jim: Well what if we can't do it quickly.
Michael: [mimicking] What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it-
Oscar: Do you know how to do an intervention?
Michael: Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up.
Michael: An intervention. It's sort of hard to describe, but really its- it's a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who are- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.
Phyllis: It looks like we're going to be here for awhile, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone. Little triangles of pita, toasted on both sides, fanned so you can easily can grab them.
Angela: I don't-
Phyllis: And napkins... fanned.
Michael: Okay, how do you feel?
Meredith: A little better. I threw up.
Michael: Uck... T.M.I.
Kevin: Fire girl. [looks around] Too soon?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.
Toby: Michael, we are only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We can not ask her to stop drinking.
Michael: I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
Meredith: I'm not an alcoholic.
Michael: Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. [everyone raises their hand]
Dwight: Aye.
Michael: The aye's have it.
Meredith: I don't care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic.
Michael: Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? [pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket]
Andy: When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.
Michael: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith: Obviously.
Michael: Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael: I got it on a website, that's not important.
Toby: Michael, We should contact some experts. You don't know what your doing.
Michael: Okay, you know what Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man. Hey, are you texting?
Kelly: Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag.
Michael: Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better. [Kevin raises his hand] Yes, Kevin.
Kevin: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool.
Michael: That's- you didn't- you weren't hurt by that.
Kevin: Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith.
Meredith: You're welcome.
Michael: Okay, no, that's not what we're going for. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Dwight, don't you have anything?
Dwight: No, I like Meredith.
Dwight: Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. [holds up his fist] Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.
Michael: Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?
Meredith: I am fine.
Michael: Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey- come here. If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do.
Meredith: I know I drink. I like to party
Michael: I want you to say I'm an alcoholic.
Meredith: I am not an alcoholic!
Michael: You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you.
Phyllis: I was waiting until later to hand out this years gifts from corporate. [holds up shot glass] I don't think they're appropriate anymore.
Angela: Please stop making me do these things.
Phyllis: Oh, sorry, it's your job.
Angela: But it's the season of mercy.
Phyllis: You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet?
Angela: I lost it. [Phyllis glares at her until Angela pulls out the hairnet and puts it on]
Phyllis: Ok... nice.
Meredith: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
Michael: [amid groans from the rest of the office] Alright, no, no, no. No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting. But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow.? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
Dwight: There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.
Michael: Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight: Oh, as fire marshal I would have to.
Michael: Dwight-
Dwight: She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael: [sighs]...okay.
Dwight: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.
Jim: Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that.
Dwight: Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed: I can get you one in an hour.
Dwight: Really?
Toby: Okay you know, this- this is over.
Stanley: I agree.
Jim: Michael, I think... you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us.
Michael: Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler. It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help.
Michael: You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. I- a watch would be nice.
Jim: [watching Meredith and Michael talk in his office] They've been in there for 45 minutes.
Pam: I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now. [Jim laughs]
Phyllis: That's a halwa shabkia cookie. They serve it during Ramadan. [Angela spits her cookie out]
Stanley: Mmmm... chewy.
Jim: [Andy playing the sitar] Hey.
Andy: What's up?
Jim: Do you take requests?
Andy: Sure.
Jim: Please stop. People are having a Christmas party.
Michael: [whispers to Meredith] I'll be down in a minute. [walks over to Toby] Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?
Toby: Sure. Wow. [Michael throws a pen at his head] Ow...
Meredith: We just missed Poor Richards.
Michael: We did?
Meredith: Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink?
Michael: Oh, shoot. Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess.
Meredith: The Bog? Cooper's, Kelly's...
Michael: We could go there, sure.
Meredith: ...Brixx's, Carmen's...
Michael: Yes, yes.
Meredith: ...The Fort, Andy Gavin's.
Michael: I have a new place.
Meredith: Well, it must have just opened up.
Michael: It- yep, recently.
Meredith: Yeah... all right.
Michael: All right.
Meredith: Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music. [changes radio station] Yeah!
Michael: Yeah, oh there you go.
Meredith: Yeah!
Michael: That's good.
Meredith: Yeah that's better.
Michael: We're party girls.
Toby: [on phone] Hey Sasha, it's daddy. Have you ever heard of this doll , Princess Unicorn?
Sasha: [shouting excitedly over the phone] Daddy, daddy, daddy!!
Toby: No, No, No. No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it.
Toby: This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed. [chuckles] For once daddy's gonna be a hero.
Dwight: $200.00
Darryl: Yo.
Toby: Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls.
Dwight: Oh, that's my last one.
Toby: Oh, no, I- no, no, I was gonna buy that doll.
Darryl: Thanks man.
Toby: I was- I was gonna get the doll.
Dwight: Not my problem.
Toby: But I- I promised my daughter. Darryl, look- I- I need the doll, I need the doll. I- I'm- I'm begging you. I just- I need it more than anything in this world. I need this doll. Darryl, man I need this doll.
Darryl: All right man, don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for $400.
Toby: I only have $200.
Darryl: You can owe me.
Toby: [laughs] Oh man, thanks, thank you, [tearing up] thank you, thank you.
Darryl: I know, right. Merry Christmas.
Toby: Oh thanks. She's gonna... [notices the doll is black] oh...
Darryl: Something wrong with the doll?
Toby: No. It's even- it's even better than the one I wanted.
Meredith: Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way!
Michael: It's okay. It's all right.
Meredith: No way! There is no way! No way!
Michael: Meredith, we are doing this for your own good. Okay. Come on-
Meredith: No way! No way! There is no way!
Michael: Here we go. This is gonna be good.
Meredith: No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there!
Michael: Yes you are. [tries to pull Meredith from the car]
Meredith: I am not going in there! NO!!
Meredith: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait!
Michael: Shhh... just calm down.
Meredith: [runs away] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No!
Michael: [chasing Meredith] Come on. Shh...
Meredith: No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!
Michael: Here's the door. Here's the door.
Meredith: There is no way! There is no way! No! No!
Michael: [dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center] Let's start meeting- Hello. How are you?
Meredith: This man is crazy! This man is crazy!
Rehab Nurse: Can I help you?
Michael: I have a deposit. Alcoholic.
Meredith: No! No! No! No! No!
Michael: So do I sign?
Meredith: NO!!!
Phyllis: I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.
Angela: It's outside.
Phyllis: I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be.
Angela: Shut up.
Phyllis: Excuse me?
Angela: I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree.
Phyllis: Okay. [starts to walk away, then turns around] Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party.
Dwight: Well don't look so surprised.
Pam: I knew it.
Jim: You did not know it.
Pam: I knew some of it.
Jim: Everyone knew some of it.
Pam: It's Christmas.
Jim: You knew it.
Pam: Thank you. I knew it.
Jim: She knew it.
Michael: As it turns out you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um... I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
Andy: All right, everybody's still here. Perfect! Got a little surprise I've been working on. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you Christmas cheer. [sings] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-LA. Troll the little Yule tide carol. Roo-di-di-di-do. Roododododo. [laughs]
Angela: I think I'd like to go home now.
Andy: Sure. Dooo. Tough room. [chuckles] Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.


Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?
Michael: [heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!
Pam: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.
Dwight: [yelling as he runs past the radar gun] Aah!
Phyllis: Wow, thirteen!
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: No. No, no. There was wind.
Dwight: I was just jogging.
Michael: Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.
Jim: No, no, no, it's not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead.
Michael: I want another try. Here we go! [Michael runs past the radar as a car passes] Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
Stanley: There was a car.
Michael: I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Oscar: Thirty-one is humanly impossible.
Michael: Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number.
Oscar: That's impossible.
Michael: Beat it!
Michael: Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [in an authoritative voice] Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. [in normal voice] He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad.
Pam: Quick announcement: new year, new candy.
Kevin: Whoo-hoo!
Pam: Okay, be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy.
Kevin: Hot tamales.
Pam: Yeah.
Kevin: Uh oh.
Pam: So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more...
Andy: [entering the office] Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It's kind of the elephant in the room, so I'll just... [sighs] No one has RSVP'ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.
Michael: Wait, you still don't know...
Jim: [getting up quickly to silence Michael] No, no. Nope.
Andy: Hmm?
Jim: Nothing.
Michael: You still don't know.
Jim: Why don't... Let's...
Michael: [to Jim] What are you doing?
Jim: How about we just... Just have to talk to you for a second...
Michael: Andy.
Jim: Ahh! [ushers Michael into his office]
Andy: No, no one has RSVP'ed, and I don't understand it, and now, you're shutting me out. You're not even listening. That's really considerate. Thank you.
Michael: [from inside his office] No, what I'm saying is...
Jim: No, no.
Michael: No, that's not it.
Jim: I know.
Jim: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward.
Michael: [sighs] How can he still not know?
Jim: We can't figure that out.
Michael: I can't take it anymore.
Dwight: Wait, what? You can't take what?
Michael: I am telling Andy.
Dwight: No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you.
Michael: Who should it come from, then?
Everyone: [simultaneously] Angela.
Michael: [to Dwight] Are you still having intercourse with her? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes']
Oscar: What is wrong with you? She is engaged.
Michael: Did you ever have intercourse in this office? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes']
Oscar: Are you serious? Ugh. Where? [Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully] Where? [Dwight's expression implies 'at your desk'; Oscar's voice breaks] Where, Dwight?
Dwight: [coolly] Seems like you already know where.
Angela: Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top.
Kevin: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it, and stopped right away.
Angela: That's enough.
Kevin: Because I wouldn't want an innocent person, who doesn't know anything about the form... [Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar] What?
Oscar: That was good... It's just, at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form.
Kevin: How about, 'I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?'
Oscar: There you go.
Andy: [on the phone] That cannot be true! [Dwight jumps] You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, I want to cut it myself...
Dwight: [whispering to Jim] Trade seats with me.
Jim: No.
Dwight: I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.
Jim: Please stop.
Dwight: [grabs a spoon from Jim's coffee cup and checks behind him with it] I need a soup spoon.
Dwight: Rule 17: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. [sings] Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep. [makes chomping sound]
Dwight: [moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention]
Angela: What is it?
Dwight: You've got to tell Andy about us.
Angela: That is a terrible idea. One of your worst.
Dwight: Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore.
Angela: You're expanding on your worst idea.
Dwight: Do you love me or not?
Angela: I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?
Dwight: Because you're engaged to Andy.
Angela: [sighs]
Michael: Well?
Dwight: Not yet.
Jim: When?
Andy: When what? [clears throat] When what?
Michael: You know this can't go on.
Andy: What can't go on?
Michael: We have to put an end to this.
Andy: Seems like...
Michael: Come on. [Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office]
Andy: You guys should... be hearing what I'm saying.
Jim: This is really not how this is supposed to happen.
Dwight: Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready.
Michael: When will she be ready?
Dwight: I don't know.
Michael: Is she crazy in bed?
Dwight: [boastfully] Yes.
Jim: Stop. What?
Michael: How so, specifically?
Jim: Okay, listen.
Dwight: Eager.
Jim: This shouldn't happen at work.
Dwight: And flexible.
Jim: And!
Michael: Really?
Jim: This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue.
Michael: It's too late.
Jim: Well it's not too late, because you haven't done anything.
Michael: I am already walking.
Dwight: Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down.
Michael: Okay, what does that mean?
Dwight: Might get ugly.
Michael: [sighs] Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it.
Jim: But you're leaving...
Dwight: [to Michael, who opens the door to leave] Have a good trip.
Michael: Thanks. [to Andy] Andy?
Andy: Yeah.
Michael: Walk with me.
Andy: Will do, boss-man.
Michael: Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear...
Andy: You're not making any sense.
Michael: Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.
Andy: All righty.
Michael: Which will be fine. I am off!
Andy: Have a good meeting!
Michael: Thank you! [gets into his car]
Andy: [through the car window] Kick Wallace's ass!
Michael: [through the car window] Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so...
Andy: I can't hear you through the glass
Michael: [rolls down car window] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.
Andy: What?
Michael: All right. See you later. [backs out of the parking space] Ahh.
Andy: Are you serious?
Michael: Yep. [drives off]
Meredith: I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
Oscar: You said that yesterday.
Meredith: Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.
Jim: [to Dwight] What are you standing for?
Dwight: If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin.
Jim: You're not going to do anything to his neck or his groin.
Dwight: If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to.
Jim: Dwight, I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit...
Andy: [enters the office and walks to Angela] I need to talk to you.
Angela: We can talk right here.
Andy: I need to talk to you in private.
Kevin: We're not listening.
Andy: Let's go to the conference room.
Andy: Is it true?
Angela: What have you heard?
Andy: That you're sleeping with Dwight.
Angela: That doesn't sound like me.
Andy: Is it true?
Angela: Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake...
Andy: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
Angela: A little bit.
Andy: How long has it been going on?
Angela: I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and... I don't know exactly when we started up again.
Andy: Who else knows about it?
Angela: Michael.
Andy: Who else?
Angela: [quietly] Let me think about it... I, um... there... [Andy looks over to see everyone watching them]
Andy: Oh God. Come on!
David: So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right?
Michael: Right what?
David: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. [Michael smiles] Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing... is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is.
Michael: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.
Michael: Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
Michael: This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.
David: Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time.
Michael: [pokes his head in] Hey, what say we order up some pasta?
David: What say we do.
Angela: Standard, you know? Nothing fancy.
Andy: So like, missionary...
Angela: I said nothing fancy.
Andy: Do you love him?
Angela: I love you.
Andy: Why should I believe that?
Angela: Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we're not good together.
Andy: Who says that?
Angela: Or, we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong.
Andy: Where's Dwight?
Jim: You okay, man?
Andy: No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time.
Creed: You are welcome.
Andy: [Dwight enters] Dwight.
Dwight: Andy.
Andy: It's over.
Dwight: Oh good. She broke up with you.
Andy: No. It's over between you two.
Dwight: Uh, no way. I am not giving up.
Andy: You have to.
Dwight: No I don't.
Andy: [forcefully] She doesn't love you. She's marrying me.
Dwight: [angrier] Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.
Andy: Angela Bernard.
Dwight: Will never be her name.
Andy: It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!
Dwight: I don't think so.
Jim: Hey guys, why don't we, uh, just cool off a bit?
Andy: I'm telling you to back down.
Dwight: And I'm telling you that I will never back down.
Andy: Then I'll make you.
Dwight: Oh really? How are you gonna do that?
Andy: Through the use of force.
Dwight: That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.
Andy: I will fight you.
Jim: Nope.
Dwight: Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela.
Andy: Fine!
Dwight: Fine!
Oscar: This is nuts.
Dwight: What is your weapon?
Jim: Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because...
Dwight: Hey, this is none of your business.
Jim: Hey. It is my business when it happens at work.
Andy: Guess what? Not happening at work.
Dwight: Yes!
Andy: We're gonna do it outside.
Dwight: Outside of work.
Andy: None of your business.
Dwight: None of your business then. [Dwight and Andy high five] Good. So what weapon?
Andy: My bare hands.
Dwight: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.
Andy: Then I'll get something too.
Meredith: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
Pam: Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.
Angela: [thinks for a moment] I will respect the results of the duel.
Pam: Of course you will.
Meredith: I call loser!
Andy: I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
Dwight: I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
Andy: [softly] What a coincidence.
Dwight: Mm.
Jim: So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.
Jim: [collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe]
Dwight: [innocently] How'd that get there?
Meredith: There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.
Jim: Thanks Meredith.
Michael: So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, 'Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?' And he looks at me and he says, 'Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket.' And I look back at him and I say, 'I feel the need!... The need for tweed.'
David: It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. [gets up] And thanks for coming in.
Michael: [rises] Oh, thank you.
David: Yes.
Michael: I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.
David: Yeah.
Michael: Okay. [sits back down to continue eating]
David: [opens his office door] Yeah, finish up.
Dwight: [shouting] Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out!
Angela: [watching from the conference room] I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.
Kelly: I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
Dwight: Come on!
Meredith: Hey, has anything happened yet?
Dwight: Where are you?
Oscar: Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show.
Kevin: Oh come on, man! Believe in something.
Dwight: Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... [spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it] 'From the desk of Andrew Bernard.' [scoffs] A note. Pathetic. 'Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.' True. 'The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly...' [as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly]
Kelly: There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing?
Phyllis: Why isn't Dwight turning around?
Oscar: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.
Creed: Yeah.
Dwight: [still reading] Alas, after much consideration and deliberation...
Pam: Oh my God!
Stanley: What's happening?
Phyllis: Andy's running over Dwight with his car.
Dwight: Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!
Andy: Yeah.
Everyone watching: Oh!
Dwight: Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!
Andy: You give up?
Dwight: Never! [hits Andy's car with his bike chain] Get out and face me like a man!
Andy: I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
Dwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! [hits his car with the bike chain] All you do is dress fancy and sing. [imitating Andy] 'La la la la la la la la la la!' What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Dwight: Last year, idiot! [hits his car with the bike chain]
Jim: Dwight! Are your legs broken?
Dwight: No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit.
Jim: Andy, are you all right?
Andy: Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this!
Dwight: Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? [hits his car with the bike chain] Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! [hits his car with the bike chain]
Andy: What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Dwight: I sa- [Andy honks his horn]
Andy: What? You stupid idiot! [Andy honks his horn] You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods...
Dwight: Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!
Andy: I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
Dwight: What?
Andy: What!
Dwight: She's sleeping with you?
Andy: I'm her fiance.
Dwight: She said she was only sleeping with me.
Andy: [enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call] Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one.
Dwight: [picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can]
Andy: Thank you. [hangs up]
Michael: Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. [sighs] Ahh!
Dwight: [as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over]


Dwight: What's this?
Jim: Looks like a red wire.
Dwight: Hmm. It wasn't here before.
Jim: Well it's a computer Dwight, computers have wires.
Dwight: Yours doesn't.
Jim: Doesn't it?
Dwight: No, it's going in a different direction then the other wires.
Jim: Dwight, I am really busy, I can't talk about this anymore. [Dwight follows red cord through office past Phyllis' and Stanley's desks]
Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!
Stanley: What are you doing?
Jim: I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. [behind Jim, Dwight climbs telephone pole] Oh he'll be fine. I made it up there.
Michael: What you talking bout, Wallace? [imitating What you talking bout Willis]
David: Hi Michael how are you?
Michael: Hi, I am well, how are you?
David: So listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job.
Michael: Oh, have you not?
David: Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor [Michael makes exaggerated oh-my-gosh face at camera]. There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook, where we have never done any business.
Michael: Yeah.
David: There is a small company there, Prince Paper. I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. But we have been talking about going after their market, so I was hoping you could do some fact finding for me.
Michael: Okay.
David: I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for.
Michael: Fax, why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
David: Look, this is important, Michael.
Michael: Oh, well, then, email it to me.
Phyllis: You've got no taste Stanley Hudson.
Stanley: Oh, I do.
Andy: What are you guys talking about?
Stanley: Some actress, whether shes hot.
Andy: Who is the gal in question?
Phyllis: Hillary Swank.
Creed: Ah, Hillary Swank.
Kevin: [most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank, judging her hotness] Not at all.
Meredith: She's got mean eyes.
Pam: Have you seen her with her bangs?
Kevin: She looks like a monster.
Jim: Guys, she is a beautiful movie star, so maybe we should just go to work.
Meredith: She is an amazing actress.
Kevin: That is not the question.
Phyllis: She's not hot.
Kevin: Yeah, thank you Phyllis.
Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.
Angela: I'm not voting.
Jim: [snaps back] No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot, raise your hand. [half of office raises hand] Okay, and who thinks Hillary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. [other half of office raises hand]
Kevin: [counting votes] Five. Five to five.
Jim: Thank you, accounting department.
Kevin: So what do we do now?
Dwight: [riding in car with Michael] What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?
Michael: I will seduce her.
Dwight: No, I wanna seduce her.
Michael: No, I will seduce her.
Dwight: Please Michael, please.
Michael: No, I got it.
Dwight: You'll fall in love with her.
Michael: Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support.
Dwight: Okay, let's go over the plan again.
Michael: Alright, I am a local business owner. [Dwight nods along] I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies
Dwight: Your fictitious name?
Michael: Michael Scarn.
Dwight: I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Then we meet at the Denny's...
Michael: [interrupting] No.
Dwight: ...and then we compare notes.
Michael: No, no, I never said Denny's. IHOP.
Dwight: No! [arguing over each other]
Dwight: You know how I feel about IHOP.
Michael: Oh, don't start,
Dwight: Are you socialist?
Michael: You know what? I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.
Dwight: I'll have a cup of a coffee.
Michael: You will have pancakes and you'll like it.
Dwight: Store only has three employees.
Michael: So what?
Dwight: It means they are not expanding.
Michael: Maybe they are shrinking.
Dwight: No.
Michael: They could be shrinking.
Dwight: No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.
Michael: Ah ha [popping something in his mouth] Yup.
Dwight: [spying through binoculars] Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch.
Michael: Mm hmm .
Dwight: Which Means they're not acquiring new business. So once again no growth.
Michael: And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business.
Dwight: Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus.
Michael: Argh, why are you all...
Dwight: Get your clouds right.
Michael: Shut up.
Dwight: So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. [Michael licks lips] No, no like this. [Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips] Good.
Michael: Ready to do this?
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: Good. Here come the sharks. [they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead]
Michael: In nature, there is something called a food chain; it's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business.
Michael: Hello.
Entire Prince family: Hello, hi.
Michael: My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company.
Prince Grandfather: Oh, please come in
Michael: Thank you.
Prince Grandfather: What kind of business are you in.
Michael: We are a law firm.
Prince Grandfather: I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office.
Michael: You know, I will be honest with you... about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn't feel like a priority. So I guess my question [reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it] for you would be [reading off sheet] how many clients do you have?
Prince Grandfather: About 80.
Michael: Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation.
Prince Grandfather: It's just me, my wife and my son.
Michael: Ah, so when did you set up shop?
Prince Grandfather: I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.
Michael: Oh Vietnam, I hear it's lovely .
Prince Grandfather: [muted] Mmhmm. [shrugs]
Andy: Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic: Hillary Swank is attractive.
Entire office: Hot!
Kevin: The debate is whether she is hot.
Stanley: What difference does it make? Attractive, beautiful, hot, we're talking about the same thing here.
Kevin: Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting.
Andy: Okay, TMI.
Michael: So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?
Prince Grandfather: You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.
Michael: Well that is... because... I am a genius.
Prince Grandfather: Oh really?
Michael: Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? [picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion] Is this the cup? [picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion] Is this what I drink out of? [glug noise, both laugh] Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession.
Dwight: Hello, I would like to apply for a job.
Prince Grandfather: Hi, I'm afraid we're not hiring right now.
Dwight: Why don't you just get rid of this guy? [points to Prince Son]
Prince Grandfather: That's my son.
Dwight: I'm your son now; you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute, I'm a paper salesman at a second tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I'm the top salesman there and I'm looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what, 40 high full volume clients?
Michael: Try 80.
Dwight: Pshaw, that's nothing. I've 90 clients myself. You had better look out, someone might run you out of business.
Prince Grandfather: I sure hope not.
Dwight: Me too. [smirking]
Jim: I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures, you know? We don't really see them as real so therefore we don't judge them as real people.
Kevin: Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture.
Oscar: Kevin, c'mon.
Kelly: Yeah, shut up Kevin.
Kevin: He's making all these fancy, uh, it's a gut thing.
Jim: Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes? Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you [in a more and more seductive voice] and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? [Kevin gets up to join the 'hot' team to their great joy] Does that end the debate?
Kevin: [Kevin sits down, gets right back up and heads back to 'not hot' team] No, it's is she hot, not would you do her. Respect the game.
Angela: Oh my God.
Jim : [fingers opened an inch] This close.
Prince: Grandfather: So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?
Dwight: My boss, his insensitivity might border on cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs his underlings. [Michael takes offense and charges over]
Michael: Hey, hey, how is your interview going?
Dwight: It's going very well.
Michael: Don't blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you?
Linda: You want a picture of me?
Michael: I would, could you just stand over here? That would be great [positioning her towards sign of Prince Family Paper customers] Just a little something to remember the trip by. A little to your left [positions Linda to get better picture]
Linda: Can I get a copy of that?
Prince Granddaughter: Grandma, I can't do this.
Michael: What's going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh, math, that's not so hard. Ok. There are 4 of these, ignore the parenthesis, right?
Prince Granddaughter: Right.
Michael: Why is this little 2 so small? It's, it's weird, you don't, you just go by the x. The x means times. 4 times x 2. What is double 4?
Prince Granddaughter: 8
Michael: Excellent! Way to go! Nice! [Michael and granddaughter Prince exchange high fives]
Prince Grandmother: Don't put that. [granddaughter Prince erases and corrects answer]
Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy.
Pam: [disapprovingly] Kevin!
Angela: Ok, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don't even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she's hot, she's hot as heck, she's a female Boris Becker.
Jim: OH! [the 'yes she's hot team' claps]
Michael: Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision.
Prince Grandfather: Wait; let me get something for you. Here is some, some references. Here is a list of references, our top clients. You call any of them; I trust you will hear some good things.
Michael: I... Okay, okay, okay, [in disbelief] alright, thank you. [heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal]
Dwight: [both making make out lips at each other] Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car.
Michael: Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.
Dwight: Thank you very much.
Michael: I cannot wait to contact your clients.
Dwight: Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls. [hurrying out door]
Prince Grandfather: Bye bye now. So long.
Dwight and Michael: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. [running out door]
Michael: Haha, we struck the mother load!
Dwight: Cmon.
Michael: Wallace is going to freak.
Dwight: All their top clients I can't believe it.
Michael: He's going to absolutely freak.
Dwight: Someone's looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. [car hits front divider, screeching]
Michael: Oh shoot.
Dwight: You drove over that. Go back [car hits divider, screeching]
Michael: Oh God, what was that?
Dwight: That's not good.
Kelly: No, no, no no. Shes hot, okay? Because if you are saying Hillary Swank isn't hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously I am not as hot as Hillary Swank! [Kelly runs away in tears]
Dwight: Oh my God.
Michael: Aw, it's alright.
Dwight: Oh man,
Michael: Aw, my car.
Dwight: Not good.
Prince Grandfather: Is everyone okay?
Prince Grandmother: It sounded bad.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: No no, we are fine. You have done enough already.
Dwight: You've done more then you can possibly know.
Michael: Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so...
Prince Grandfather: A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look.
Michael: No, no, really not necessary.
Dwight: He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the..
Prince Grandfather: I'll be right back I'm just going to grab my tool box.
Pam: Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full internet access.
Kevin: [surprised] Wait, what?
Oscar: See that, the obvious symmetry of the face? That's a natural appeal of the scientific standard of coin aphelia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she is attractive, but is not hot.
Dwight: How much longer is this going to take?
Michael: You know let me give you some money for this.
Prince Son: No, I work at a desk all day, its nice working with my hands.
Michael: Oh coffee, that's too much. [Dwight drinks it]
Dwight: This is disgusting, what is it this, instant?
Prince Grandfather: Well that outta do it. [bumper is heavily duct taped to the car]
Prince Granddaughter: Its all better.
Michael: Thank you.
Prince Grandfather: Gosh, well so long. [they exchange byes]
Dwight: I look forward to hearing from you about that job application.
Michael: Ok, goodbye Prince Family.
Dwight: Goodbye prince family, [to Michael] should be called the Sucker family. Here you go shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it. [Dwight laughs evilly, Michael seems remorseful] Bye bye.
Dwight: [punches Michael on the arm, beckons to Michael for high five, does not get it, high fives himself, smiles contently]
Jim: [entire office is chatting] I'm saying, all I'm saying is Kevin is not necessarily a feminist, is all I'm saying.
Pam: No, because... [Dwight and Michael walk in and march into Michael's office, silencing the conversation]
Michael: Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information?
Dwight: Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them.
Michael: Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine.
Dwight: They could do better.
Michael: Why don't we just, live and let live?
Dwight: What?
Michael: Live and let live.
Dwight: I'm not familiar with that expression,
Michael: It's from James Bond.
Dwight: It doesn't make sense, of course I'm alive.
Michael: I'm not going to make this call.
Dwight: Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?
Michael: My heart says...
Dwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
Michael: That is true.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: Jan... Ryan.
Dwight: Yeah, save your heart for love, and use your brain for business, right? If we don't do this to prince paper, someone else will. Worse yet, someone else will do it to us.
Stanley: I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got what, 20 or 30 years left. And my family history says I have less. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found something wrong this actress. But that is no way to live life. Look at this healthy sexy pretty strong young woman. C'mon people! She is hot.
Dwight: There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.
Michael: You're right.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info.
Dwight: Good, so, [Michael takes client list and heads out of office] where are you going?
Michael: Just something I have to do first.
Dwight: Where are you taking the client list?
Michael: Somewhere safe, where it can't hurt anyone [starts running, Dwight follows]
Dwight: Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don't do this. No. [chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot]
Michael: Oh shoot! [gets to his car turns around]
Dwight: Freeze, give me the list! [still chasing him back into office where Michael grabs his car keys from his desk and heads back to parking lot]
Dwight: No no no, I can't let you do this!
Michael: Those people will be ruined. [runs out back door]
Dwight: Its business, not personal. [they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael]
Michael: Give it, give it. We can't do this to those people.
Dwight: Its over, Michael, its over. [holding list of clients up]
Michael: Im not a shark.
Andy: Okay, it is time for the final votes. All of those in favor of resolution Hillary Swank is hot? [half of office raises hand] Okay. And all those opposed? [he skips back and joins other half of office in raising hand]
Kevin: This is ridiculous.
Oscar: That's the thing about debating, you're just going to get people more entrenched in the view they had in the first place. [two sides of the debate start arguing]
David: This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal.
Michael: [pained] Mpfh.
David: Good work.
Michael: Thank you.
David: Look I'll be in touch, thanks buddy.
Michael: Okay, bye bye.
Dwight: Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy?
Michael: I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping?
Michael: Oh, hey what is this?
Pam: Hillary swank.
Michael: Oh, she is hot. ['Hillary Swank is hot' supporters cheer]


Dwight: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid]
Dwight: [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Angela: Did you bring your jerky in again?
Dwight: [clears throat]
Pam: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
Phyllis: What-
Andy: Whoa, fire!
Dwight: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people?
Pam: The phones are dead.
Dwight: Oh, how did that happen?
Kevin: It's out in the hall.
Dwight: No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Michael: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Dwight: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Michael: Stay [bleep] calm!
Dwight: Wait, wait, wait.
Michael: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!
Dwight: No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
Michael: What does warm mean?
Everyone: [groaning] Oh my God.
Dwight: Not a viable option.
Pam: Try a different door.
Dwight: Okay, what's next?
Michael: Don't run.
Dwight: Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?
Andy: It- it's warm.
Dwight: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once]
Jim: Back door.
Dwight: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse.
Stanley: Leave it woman!
Michael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Dwight: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can...
Oscar: Ah! My hand! That's hot!
Andy: Aah! This ones hot too!
Michael: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself.
Dwight: Okay, let's go.
Everyone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!
Dwight: Calm, please
Andy: Get out of the way!
Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Andy: Move it!
Dwight: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha- Use a what to cover the mouth?
Angela: [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It's okay. Shh shhh.
Dwight: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Angela: Oscar.
Dwight: What's next?
Angela: Oscar!
Oscar: Stay alive! I'm getting help!
Angela: Pull me up!
Oscar: You're too heavy!
Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh- save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!
Dwight: How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.]
Pam: What do we do?
Dwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Jim: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping]
Angela: What is that? What is that?
Andy: The fire's shooting at us!
Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?!
Andy: Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!
Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! [Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling]
Andy: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine]
Michael: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!
Stanley: I'm about to die!
Dwight: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Jim: What?!
Dwight: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Michael: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.
Jim: No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!
Michael: He's going to swallow is tongue.
Jim: No. Michael. Michael.
Michael: Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it.
Jim: [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!
Michael: Leave me al-
Andy: You're choking him!
Michael: Saving him!
David Wallace: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo.
David Wallace: You could have burned down the whole building.
Dwight: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Lawyer: Did you shout, 'Fire!', causing a panic?
Dwight: Yes I shouted 'fire!'. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what- heeded-
Michael: Hed. Hedded
Dwight: When no one hedded-
Michael: Take hedded of.
Dwight: N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael: Heed. Heed.
Dwight: So, you-
Michael: Take heed of.
Dwight: And, well, I don't see my co-workers-
Michael: Take heed of.
Dwight: Hee-heeding this right now.
Lawyer: Wh-what?
Michael: Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
David Wallace: No, we are mad.
Michael: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
David Wallace: No, we're not.
Michael: I am not a mind reader, David.
David: Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.
Michel: Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.
Dwight: No.
Michael: And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like.
Dwight: PETA.
David Wallace: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?
Michael: Do you?
David Wallace: Michael?
Michael: You talking to me?
David Wallace: Yeah.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?
Michael: [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands.
Dwight: Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
Michael: That's not gonna happen. I'm taking over as safety man.
Dwight: What? You?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Come on.
Michael: I'm a smart guy. I'll figure it out.
Dwight: That's preposterous.
Michael: No, I will.
Michael: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, 'Oh, this is the place that I might die today.' That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.
Michael: Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley.
Stanley: Thank you, Michael.
Stanley: It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people...
Stanley: [flashback] Not maybe. Yes or no.
Stanley: [flashback] No way. Uh-uh.
Stanley: [flashback] Are you from another planet?
Stanley: [flashback] Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it.
Stanley: [flashback] Did I stutter?
Stanley: [flashback] I'm done. Goodbye.
Stanley: But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die.
Michael: Andy.
Andy: [in a British accent] A throne for your highness.
Stanley: I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
Michael: No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
Stanley: I'm going to die.
CPR trainer: A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for... airway, breathing and circulation.
Michael: Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means 'always be closing.'
Dwight: This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.
Michael: Shut it. Shut it.
Michael: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.
Kevin: [giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can't keep doing this forever.
CPR Trainer: It's been 20 seconds.
Kevin: Call it.
CPR Trainer: Would you like to try next?
Dwight: Absolutely I would not.
Michael: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley: Oh, I don't know.
Phyllis: That's not a good idea, Michael.
Michael: Come on.
Phyllis: He needs to rest.
Michael: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael: And you're okay with that?
Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.
Michael: Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this.
Stanley: Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.
Michael: Come on Stanley. You're losing you. You're losing you. Do it!
Angela: Michael!
Michael: This is you we're talking about.
Angela: Michael.
Michael: Okay, okay. I'll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley. All right.
CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Rose: No, that's not part of it.
Michael: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.
Rose: All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Michael: okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim: How's that gonna help you?
Michael: I will divide and then count to it.
Jim: Right.
Rose: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Michael: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Rose: No, it's-Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Michael: Okay, I got it.
Creed: [to Rose] You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you.
Michael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Michael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah...
Andy: Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, [Michael and Kelly join in] you can look the other way. Loo do do!
Rose: Okay!
Andy: Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Rose: Okay!
Everyone: [muttering] Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Rose: Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.
Dwight: Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Rose: I have no idea.
Dwight: Anyone else?
Phyllis: We bury him?
Dwight: Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael: He is an organ donor.
Dwight: He is.
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go.
Angela: Oh my God! Dwight!
Kelly: Dwight!
Angela: What are you- [people are yelling] What are you doing?
Dwight: We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart.
Stanley: I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Michael: Hey, Stanley.
Andy: Stanley.
Michael: Are you okay?
Angela: Oh my God! [Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own]
Stanley: Oh my God!
Angela: Dwight!
Dwight: Clarice?
Stanley: Oh my God!
David Wallace: Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David Wallace: We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Dwight: Wow.
Michael: Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.
Andy: Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds] Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.
Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.
Jim: And we don't know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.
Jessica Alba: [movie] I want you to meet my nana. Nana...
Lily: Mmmhmm...
Jessica Alba: This is Sam.
Sam: Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.
Lily: Please- Call me Lily. [light chuckle] Let's play Bridge. You can be my partner.
Sam: Alright... Lily.
Jim: [after Pam checks her cell phone] What's going on?
Jim: Uh, no one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage.
Pam: My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe.
Pam: He's not saying what he needs to say.
Andy: Hmm? Who? Sam?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then-
Andy: Hmm.
Andy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.
Michael: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight: I have.
Michael: Let's hear it.
Dwight: [clears throat] 'I state my regret.'
Jim: You couldn't of memorized that?
Dwight: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!
Pam: Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom.
Lily: [movie] I'm in here.
Sam: I uh, I'm sorry I didn't uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?
Lily: I want you to stay.
Jim: Gimme a break.
Andy: I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite.
Sam: [movie] Get that in there. Oh yeah.
Lily: Get that done already.
Sam: I know but if I get it in deeper...
Jim: [to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Andy: Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?
Pam: So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance?
Andy: You guys, they're making out.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?
Jim: Mmm... nope, we mostly just talked about cereal.
Pam: [sighs]
Jim: What?
Pam: I dunno. I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of this stuff 'cause he can't really talk to me about it.
Jim: Mmm...
Pam: You're good to talk to.
Jim: [laughs] I'm ok, I'm not, great, and um... [nods]
Michael: [in a monk-impression tone] Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. [Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael] Ohmmm my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm...
Michael: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...
Michael: [everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand] It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
Jim: Don't open your eyes.
Pam: What? [opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh...
Michael: And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.
Meredith: Chunky monkey.
Michael: Too expensive.
Stanley: Chocolate.
Michael: Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Stanley: It's my bio-feedback machine..
Michael: Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?
Stanley: It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Michael: You have stress?
Stanley: Yes...
Michael: During our relaxation exercise?
Phyllis: Let me get you some water.
Michael: No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go.
Stanley: No, Michael, No. [beeping speeds up]
Michael: Let me getcha.
Stanley: Would ya, would ya step back please
Michael: Ok, alright.
Stanley: Please. A little further.
Michael: Ok. [beeping slows down]
Stanley: That's better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again]
Michael: Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley's monitor now] Let's give this a shot.
Michael: Hellloo... [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer]
Kevin: Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out.
Michael: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say?
Pam: What did you say to my dad?
Jim: What?
Pam: After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment.
Jim: Oh my God. Pam, I don't know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I'm so sorry, I don't know. I'll call him again. [Pam rolls her eyes and walks away]
Jim: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents...
Pam: What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?
Michael: I don't get it. Do I stress you out?
Dwight: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Michael: Oh...
Dwight: Speaking of which... [hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight's formal apology]
Michael: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.
Michael: Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. [Jim shakes his head at the camera] You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short...
Kelly: A vacation.
Michael: What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other...
Oscar: Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?
Michael: Si senor.
Oscar: That's offensive.
Michael: It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.
Kevin: [giggling] Oh my GOD... Oh man... Ohhhhh my God...
Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.
Michael: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Dwight: May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.
Phyllis: Hey, this is your apology letter.
Dwight: That was the last signature I needed.
Michael: Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Ok... lower the mic for the midget.
Angela: If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter]
Angela: I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. [grin]
Angela: If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be...
Group: Michael Scott! [laughter]
Michael: Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!
Kelly: I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.
Michael: You're so lucky! Good one... [clapping]
Meredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said 'Gross'...
Michael: Well...
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.
Michael: Pow pow pow... [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping]
Oscar: [yelling at Michael in Spanish]
Michael: [Toby tries to come on stage] NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. [Toby shrugs and sits back down]
Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
Michael: I know where this is goin'.
Jim: Do ya?
Michael: No...
Jim: Ok. Remember Spider face?
Michael: No.
Jim: OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Michael: Spite her - ok [laughter]
Jim: Yeah... yep.
Dwight: How dare you all attack him like this.
Michael: Oh, stop it Dwight.
Dwight: Michael is your superior.
Michael: No no no no no no!
Dwight: Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.
Michael: Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way.
Dwight: Ok, no, they don't understand who they have...
Michael: That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.
Dwight: You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.
Michael: Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Dwight: Are you calling me an idiot?
Michael: Idiot.
Dwight: Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land. [clapping and whooing]
Pam: Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael: Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter]
Michael: Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.
Darryl: Mike claims, we're all a family isn't that right?
Michael: We are, we are a family.
Darryl: Ok, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there.
Michael: Oh very funny.
Darryl: What's his name?
Michael: Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy?
Darryl: Roy left years ago. What's his name?
Michael: I don't believe I have had the pleasure.
Warehouse Michael: Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic...
Darryl: What's
Michael: Jefferson.
Darryl: Nope. His name is Michael. [Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again]
Andy: [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.
Michael: Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um... [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum]
Pam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks.
Dwight: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.
Kevin: [in the lunch room, with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. [giggles]
Oscar: Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.
Kevin: I'm almost done.
Oscar: That reeks, and I'm trying to eat.
Dwight: Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Jim: Yep. You're being replaced.
Pam: I think he meant personal day.
Dwight: Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.
Phyllis: I hope he's ok, I feel bad.
Creed: Give it up, he's dead.
Jim: He just sent a text...
Creed: What's a text?
Michael: [at a park throwing whole pieces of bread] Caw... caw... caw caw... caw...
Michael: You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not.
Pam: Phyllis there's a package for you.
Phyllis: Oh, ok. [Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box]
Dwight: [after snatching the clipboard with her signature] Got it.
Lily: [movie] Sam, Sam Sam. It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it's that you lied to me. Can't you see that? Can't you see? Oh, I can never trust you. [Andy looks like he's going to cry]
Sam: Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don't care how much time we have left. I don't care what my friends say! And I don't care what your mom thinks! Frankly I'm pretty sure she's not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. [Andy's crying, 'I'm All Out of Love' starts playing] Lilly. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. Lilly... Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!
Andy: [through tears] Sam! Sam!
Pam: Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I'll see ya then.
Jim: So what did he say? Was it my fault?
Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best.
Jim: You ok?
Pam: Yeah. [they hug]
Pam: When you're a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. [Andy is in the background, looks incredulous]
Andy: I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad.
Pam: Michael! It's really good to see you.
Dwight: Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Jim: Are you alright?
Oscar: Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. [murmurs of agreement]
Michael: I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam: What?
Michael: Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing] Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar: Wow.
Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation]
Michael: They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.