Dwight: [in Michael's office] Could you please sign my expense report?
Michael: No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture, epic.
Dwight: [in Jim's office] Sign this.
Jim: Ah, ah, ah. Where's the 'please'? We're not animals.
Dwight: Sign it.
Jim: No, not without a 'please.'
Dwight: Idiot.
Dwight: [in Michael's office] I have a complaint about Jim.
Michael: That is not big picture.
Dwight: I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.
Michael: ... Okay.
Dwight: Jim won't sign my expense report.
Michael: That is not- okay- that is day-to-day.
Dwight: No, that is huge.
Michael: You're trying to trick me.
Dwight: This has to do-
Michael: Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.
Dwight: [in Jim's office] I'd like to lodge a complaint.
Jim: I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about?
Dwight: You!
Jim: Okay. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously. So... When did this happen?
Dwight: One minute ago.
Jim: Okay. And how do you feel?
Dwight: Angry.
Jim: All right. Did he hit you?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Did you cry?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Did you feel like crying?
Dwight: No.
Jim: I'm just gonna write 'held back tears.'
Dwight: Wait, stop writing that. That is not true.
Jim: If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it.
Dwight: I'm not cr- uhh!
Dwight: I deserved that promotion, not Jim. Oh, man. Makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing. And then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock! And he's gasping, he's panting! Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! [claps hands and stands up] Aha! $18,000 and a chance at the title! Ooh hah!
Erin: [at the door] Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.
Michael: Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up, because I'd like everyone to meet in the conference room in five minutes. And I suggest that you bring a snack, because we may be in there for a while.
Jim: Michael...
Michael: Yes?
Jim: Can I talk to you in my office for a second?
Michael: Mmm, sure, but could I first talk to you in my office?
Stanley: Can I also be a boss?
Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?
Jim: I have noticed that we-
Michael: Welcome.
Jim: Thank you. I've noticed we've been having a lot of conference room meetings.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jim: And I'm wondEring if perhaps those are a bit, um-
Michael: Disruptive.
Jim: Yes.
Michael: No, I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important.
Jim: Okay, maybe we should talk specifics.
Michael: Let's do.
Jim: Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.
Michael: N- well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the- ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
Jim: I am.
Michael: Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets...
Jim: Right.
Michael: At first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are.
Jim: Yes, I agree.
Michael: Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust.
Jim: I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day.
Michael: You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: How about this? I think our goal should be we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential.
Michael: Alright. No more meetings this week.
Jim: Really? You just agreed to that?
Michael: I can be very suprising.
Phyllis: What's going on?
Pam: I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant.
Ryan: You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.
Phyllis: Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts?
Pam: We did, but mostly because people expect us to. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry... However much.
Pam: It's awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn't Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?
Phyllis: Perfect. I hate registries.
Pam: Oh, good.
Phyllis: My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be suprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?
Pam: No, we're not.
Phyllis: Good. Good.
Michael: Mm-hmm?
Jim: [walks in, see's Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting in Michaels office] Okay, I thought I saw people missing.
Michael: Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each.
Jim: Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?
Michael: Stanley, you don't need to answer that.
Jim: Stanley?
Stanley: If you don't smell this, you're fired.'
Jim: Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people's time with meetings like these.
Michael: What do you mean by 'these people'?
Jim: Michael, this is a conference room meeting.
Michael: Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room.
Jim: That's not what I meant.
Michael: Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want.
Jim: I disagree.
Michael: What do you guys think? [all start talking at the same time]
Jim: Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael?
Michael: No, no, no, you don't need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people.
Jim: That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager.
Michael: That is not what Wallace told us.
Jim: That's exactly what Wallace told us.
Michael: That is not the way I heard it.
Kelly: I love rivalries- Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answEring your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.
Michael: It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around.
Jim: I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.
Michael: No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. [Michael pulls out his cell phone] I will call David Wallace.
Erin: David Wallace is on line two for you guys.
Michael: Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just-
Jim: Hey, David. You got Jim here.
Michael: Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager.
David Wallace: Hey guys, um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it.
Michael: Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision.
Jim: Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.
David Wallace: It's probably a little of both.
Michael: Which is it more of?
David Wallace: Excuse me?
Jim: David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.
David Wallace: Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you- are you texting me?
Michael: I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.
David Wallace: Look, I need you both to take care of this. This is not going to be a problem, is it?
Jim: Nope, not at all.
Michael: No, it will not be. I am on top of it.
David Wallace: Very good.
Jim: Alright, thanks alot, David.
Michael: Talk to you later- [Jim hangs up] Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. [sighs, and claps hands once] Alright, I am looking forward to this.
Jim: You don't have to lie.
Michael: I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.
Jim: Right.
Michael: All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.
Jim: Alright. Let's get started.
Creed: Hey, why haven't we ever, um...
Meredith: We have.
Michael: You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.
Jim: Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?
Michael: No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.
Jim: Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.
Michael: Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?
Jim: It's hard to tell so far.
Michael: You use your brain too much.
Jim: I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?
Michael: Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.
Jim: You just came up with that.
Michael: As I was saying it.
Jim: Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro- everyone gets a little bit.
Michael: [in nerdy voice] Con- you look like a nerd.
Jim: Con- no one gets as much as they did last year.
Michael: Pro- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.
Jim: Pro- no favoritism.
Michael: Con- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.
Jim: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart- [pulls out a pie chart] How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.
Kevin: Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.
Pam: I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.
Kevin: Like money? Like you- you want my money?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: Will you take a check?
Pam: Yeah.
Kevin: Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, 'To love's eternal glory.'
Pam: Okay.
Kevin: Wait til' Monday.
Pam: Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. [looks down at the check] oh look! 'Mrs. Pam Halpert!' That's the first time I've seen it in writing!
Jim: You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.
Michael: That will not go over well.
Jim: I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...
Michael: Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself.
Jim: I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.
Michael: No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.
Jim: Michael.
Michael: And then another-
Jim: Look, you have a lot of strengths.
Michael: Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are.
Jim: I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.
Michael: Ha! That- I am not known for that!
Jim: But there is a reason why I'm here!
Michael: Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!
Jim: No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!
Michael: Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?
Jim: I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!
Michael: Ah.
Jim: At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision.
Michael: Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!
Jim: But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.
Michael: Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? [laughs] You call it.
Jim: [leave the conference room to address everyone]
Michael: [to the camera] This had better be terrible.
Jim: Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.
Meredith: Wait. Seriously?!
Jim: Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.
Oscar: Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.
Angela: But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?
Oscar: Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.
Jim: Ooh, easy. That's not it at all.
Oscar: Well?
Jim: Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office.
Kelly: [walks in from shopping, with bags in her hands] What's going on?
Kevin: Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.
Kelly: What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?!
Oscar: Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?
Kelly: No! [put's down her bags] How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!
Dwight: This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!
Jim: Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so-
Dwight: What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?!
Oscar: Exactly!
Kevin: Totally!
Oscar: We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises.
Creed: Yes.
Angela: Yes. They don't get 'em, if we don't get 'em!
Meredith: My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?!
Kevin: Yeah.
Dwight: Her kid needs shoes, Jim!
Meredith: What the hell?! [everyone complaining at Jim]
Jim: Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so... [imitates a tape rewinding and chuckles, Michael comes over by Jim laughing]
Michael: That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you [someone growns in disgust], and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This-
Angela: What are you talking about Michael?
Stanley: We just need to hear your plan for our raise.
Michael: My plan- a man- panama.
Andy: That's not how that goes.
Meredith: You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...
Jim: Thank you, Meredith.
Meredith: ...when he was telling us his dumbass plan.
Oscar: We would just like to know what's happening. Are we getting a raise, yes or no?
Michael: Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise? [all say yes] Alright, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do.
Oscar: Again, that gives us no information.
Phyllis: This isn't a game, you know? It's our livelihood!
Michael: What about a raise based on merit?
Jim: Rank each person individually?
Michael: Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best.
Jim: [sarcastically] Well, obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started. [starts to write on a piece of paper]
Michael: Are you making a-
Jim: Nope. I'm numbering the paper.
Oscar: [everyone talking to the camera] Just-
Kevin: Yeah, I don't understand how they can even consider giving money to some people and not the rest of us.
Angela: It's not like we're not gonna see the checks. We're in accounting!
Meredith: I am so pissed at this company!
Dwight: [out the side of his mouth] And Jim!
Meredith: Yeah. Who said that?
Dwight: I think it was Creed.
Creed: Yep.
Jim: [to camera] It's going really well, actually.
Jim: [to camera, holds up a bean] Each Boston Baked Bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture [walking around the table] of who you think deserv- who's that? [picture that Michael drew of toby, looks like a monster]
Michael: Toby.
Jim: He's not a part of this. You know that.
Michael: Just wanted to draw a picture of him.
Jim: Okay, your move.
Michael: Alright! Who to pick? [walking around the table] Who to pick?
Jim: Here we go.
Michael: I... will skip a turn.
Jim: Okay, you're gonna still have to play that bean. You know that.
Michael: I need more time.
Erin: Wallace sent an e-mail about a meeting next week. He wants you both to respond. [Michael and Jim leave, Dwight sneaks in]
Dwight: People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years, because Stanley Washington was napping, and Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.
Dwight: Come on in. [everyone looking around at all the pictures and beans on the table] That's right. Come in, feast your eyes. They determine our worth by putting beans upon our faces.
Oscar: What the hell?!
Dwight: Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.
Michael: Hey, what are you guys doing in here?
Kevin: What does a bean mean?
Pam: Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?
Kevin: Michael, what does a bean mean?
Pam: Jim?
Jim: I was just trying to be unbiased.
Kevin: What does a bean mean?!
Oscar: Someone please explain it to Kevin.
Meredith: Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours.
Phyllis: Not according to the beans.
Angela: This is how you make this important decision?
Andy: There's no way that Stanley gets more beans than me. [starts to take Stanley's beans, Stanley swats Andy's hand with his crossword puzzle] That is ridiculous. This is how it works. [everyone continues to argue]
Phyllis: It's not so much that I might not get a raise. It's just demeaning!
Andy: Thank you! That is exactly- by the way, I would also like a raise.
Phyllis: Yeah, I would, too.
Dwight: Are we idiots? [gets up, starts walking around] What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist, and these are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick- let's get him. Tock- let's get Jim! Tick- and drag Jim out of his office! Tock- take his keys away from him! Tick- that's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?!
Phyllis: I say no.
Dwight: No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? [all groan] Okay.
Michael: [leaving his office, hurrying to Jim's office]
Kevin: What does a bean mean?
Michael: [in Jim's office] How you doing?
Jim: Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a four.
Michael: Oh, what are you usually?
Jim: Six. You?
Michael: Usually a ten, but I'm feeling like a zero.
Jim: I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?
Michael: I know, I know.
Jim: We tried to find the fairest way to do it.
Michael: Yes, we did.
Jim: I just- what?
Michael: Um, nothing. I just... I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. I have something I would like to give you. [leaves office]
Phyllis: Michael!
Kevin: Michael!
Phyllis: Come on! This isn't fair!
Jim: [to camera] Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?
Phyllis: [at Michael return to Jim's office] Michael, you cannot just keep avoiding us like this!
Jim: [Michael give Jim a 'World's Best Boss' mug] Thank you.
Michael: You're welcome.
Jim: What's in here?
Michael: Gin. [toast, sip]
Jim: Ooh!
Michael: [someone knocks] Just pretend we're not here.
Ryan: Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?
Pam: Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you.
Ryan: Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now, or $5,000 a year from now?
Pam: $100 now for sure.
Ryan: Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in a hundred of my own money as the gift...
Pam: Yeah. No, no, I'll um- the hundred. I'll just take the hundred.
Ryan: Instead of $5,000 a year from now?
Pam: How sure is this?
Pam: The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.


Pam: I'm sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume... and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room?
Jim: We would really appreciate it.
Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.
Pam: Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy.
Phyllis: Now this is getting ridiculous.
Dwight: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.
Meredith: All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I'm not stopping for anyone.
Pam: I don't think I'm asking for too much. I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.
Andy: [Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk, sniffs it and takes a bite; Pam stares at him, picks up her trash can and pukes into it] Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And... frankly so does talking about it. So... wow... [Andy, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Oscar and Angela all proceed to throw up in various places while Creed looks on eating a bowl of noodles; Dwight stares shocked; Pam wipes her mouth with a satisfied look]
Michael: [standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding] What do you think? I spent all morning on it.
Jim: It is really special.
Pam: Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... no. It's great.
Michael: It's just a really important day for me.
Jim: Well, congrats.
Michael: Thanks.
Erin: Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day.
Jim: Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column.
Kevin: So... you're going to provide them, then?
Jim: No. This is a fire cracker free wedding.
Kevin: What the hell?
Dwight: Come on. You've got to be kidding me.
Pam: Ok. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Jim: Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended.
Angela: Decent people everywhere will get offended.
Pam: Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned.
Angela: Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers.
Jim: That's nice.
Pam: You know, Angela, you don't have to come to the wedding.
Angela: Really, Pam...
Michael: Yes she does. Yes she does. We're all gonna go and we're gonna have a good time. [hugs Angela]
Angela: Ow! He pinched me!
Michael: No.
Pam: Next time we're all in this room Jim and I will be married.
Dwight: We'll see.
Pam: Thank you, Dwight.
Jim: Good-bye.
Pam: See you later. [others say good-bye]
Michael: And, hey, don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.
Andy: What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter]
Michael: Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.
Andy: No... I didn't steal your joke.
Michael: Yes. I said that yesterday.
Dwight: But you can say that about anything.
Michael: Dwight...
Dwight: What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.
Kevin: Oh yeah.
Michael: No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.
Dwight: It's easy. That's what I'm saying.
Michael: This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!
Michael: Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.
Dwight: I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Michael: Get out of here.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Oh, my God, Dwight.
Dwight: For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.
Michael: There's... a name.
Dwight: Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Michael: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.
Dwight: Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
Micheal: Ok.
Dwight: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.
Michael: Is that all you have on her?
Dwight: Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name.
Michael: You're an idiot.
Kevin: People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office... but I'm going ot turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair- [beeps again.] Ok. Ok. I'm going. [long beep] God.
Andy: [in Andy's car, Andy driving] Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It's like a five hour drive-ish, you know.
Kelly: This is so much cooler. We feel like wer're in a limo and you're our driver.
Andy: Mmm-hmm. Erin?
Erin: Oh no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in back.
Andy: Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smell's like my mom.
Pam: [in car] Hey, my aunt told me something neat.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Jim: Oh, wow. That's cool.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Lousy Picture.
Pam: We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.
Michael: [in car, Michael driving] Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep.
Dwight: What? No way!
Michael: Those glasses are super dark.
Dwight: Oh. God.
Michael: Alright. We need some tunes, I think.
Dwight: You know what? I made you a cd...
Michael: You did?
Dwight: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: That was nice of you.
Dwight: This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Michael: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.
Dwight: You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the cd] 'Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of you're night in heaven-' [Michael turns off cd]
Michael: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
Dwight: Yeah. It's practical.
Michael: No. No. That's not how it works.
Jim: Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun.
Front Desk Clerk: Halpert...
Jim: And Beesly. Tonight we're in two seperate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.
Front Desk Clerk: Great.
Jim: I know. We're pretty excited, too.
Pam: Can we take a look at the suite now?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.
Pam: Oh... is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there.
Andy: Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs]
Jim: I don't like that.
Pam: I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.
Michael: Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott.
Front Desk Clerk: One moment while I check.
Dwight: The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Front Desk Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation?
Michael: I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms.
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, ok. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I'm afraid we're all sold out.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745.
Front Desk Clerk: Yes. Schrute.
Dwight: And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes?
Front Desk Clerk: Sure. No problem.
Dwight: Ok.
Front Desk Clerk: Here's your key, Mr. Schrute.
Michael: Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room.
Dwight: No way. What if I meet someone?
Michael: I'm staying in your- Come on, Dwight.
Dwight: No. No.
Michael: I would do the same for you.
Dwight: You would?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Really?
Michael: Yes... just go-
Dwight: Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours.
Michael: Oh. Thank God.
Dwight: Oh no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you?
Michael: Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can't. And I'll tell you why.
Dwight: Please?
Michael: If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay.
Dwight: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha! [rips reservation out of Michael's hand] That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me.
Michael: I don't have a room?
Dwight: No you do not.
Michael: Ok. 'Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.'
Dwight: It worked.
Michael: Jerk.
Michael: When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.
Stanley: Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.
Michael: Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Stanley: Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me.
Michael: Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
Stanley: I got one queen size bed.
Michael: You... are... kidding me.
Stanley: A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael.
Michael: I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?
Erin: Oh. Gross.
Kelly: Blow my brains out.
Michael: That's rude.
Toby: Michael, I have one extra twin bed, if you want.
Michael: You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it.
Mr. Halpert: So, which one is Pam's grandma?
Pam: Oh, Mema? She's the one in the teal suit. She's the only 80 year old with no smile wrinkles.
Jim: Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right?
Mr. Halpert: No.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word.
Jim: Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott.
Mr. Halpert: Oh.
Michael: How ya doin'?
Mr. Halpert: Hi.
Michael: Nice to meet you.
Mr. Halpert: Nice to meet you.
Michael: Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and-
Jim: Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think.
Michael: [talking quietly, trying not to move his lips]That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives.
Jim: Pretty sure everyone heard that.
Michael: Didn't move my lips.
Pam: Hey, Mema.
Mema: I wasn't sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.
Pam: Oh. Thank you... but nobody's perfect.
Mema: Well... I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.
Jim: Mr. Beesly. How are ya?
Mr. Beesly: I'd like you to meet Christy Kelly.
Jim: Oh. Is this, uh, is this your niece?
Mr. Beesly: [laughs] No no. She's my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table?
Dwight: From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report.
Little Girl: Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter?
Dwight: Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim... the bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt.
Kids: Ewwww!
Dwight: That's right. It is ew. It is very ew.
Pam: Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor.
Oscar: Pleased to meet you.
Penny: I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil?
Kevin: She thought I was your boyfriend.
Oscar: You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?
Pam: Oscar, it was an honest mistake.
Oscar: Him? Him?
Kevin: Oscar, I would be proud to date you.
Penny: I'm sorry.
Kevin: I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.
Penny: Nice to meet you, Kevin.
Kevin: Yes.
Oscar: You owe me and apology.
Penny: I'm so sorry.
Kevin: Are you seeing anyone right now?
Pam: She has a boyfriend. He's out of town.
Kevin: Cool.
Ryan: [to a girl sitting next to him] I was the youngest VP in the company history.
Meredith: More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories.
Ryan: Um... also-
Andy: How did Meredith get put at the young people's table?
Kevin: She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin.
Andy: What? You're kid- That's- You're-
Isabel: Jim and Pam, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.
Michael: Head table, where I belong.
Dwight: It's just for family.
Michael: Well, who's that one?
Dwight: Isabel Poreba. Oh, I've got stuff on her. [laughs] In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2.
Michael: What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?
Dwight: That's a very good record.
Pete: Alright, so I'll be like, 'You're so sweet guys and so kind'.
Tom: That's when I'll do the face, like-
Pete: Like, 'What? What?'. And then we'll just give him a little punch in the back and-
Tom: A noogie?
Pete: You know what? Never too married for a noogie.
Michael: They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.
Tom: Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine.
Pete: Smoking.
Tom: Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch.
Pete: A little mo' cardio.
Michael: That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight: Knight Rider.
Michael: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight: No.
Michael: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. [no one is laughing]
Dwight: Very smart.
Michael: And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.
Jim: No.
Michael: Yeah. Go ahead.
Jim: Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming.
Pete: Douche.
Jim: Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight... especially the Flordia cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do... which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photo copy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?
Pam: Like... a year.
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So... I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses-
Mema: What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Jim: Pam can't drink? I didn't- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I- no. What we want- the real reason is that, that Pam's pregnant.
Michael: [clears throat] Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex-
Mema: They were living together?
Michael: Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.
Jim: Michael.
Michael: When you c- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.
Jim: Oh, my God. Please.
Michael: When you use something to block- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman-
Pam: Michael.
Michael: ...but it's different for the- ok. Ok.
Pam: Michael. Stop.
Michael: Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: Jim.
Jim: To waiting.
Everyone: [quiet and scattered] To waiting.
Mema: I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called 'Bruno' last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, 'How could they pick such a hotel?' Hmmm. Now I know.
Pam: Mema.
Michael: That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it.
Jim: I can't believe it was me.
Michael: I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Jim: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Michael: I have not found that to be the case.
Pam: Hey, smooth guys.
Jim: I'm so sorry.
Michael: Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.
Pam: Mema's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Jim: Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Michael: There's gonna be a free room?
Michael: Hi, Mema. It's Michael.
Mema: Oh. You're that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse.
Michael: Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
Michael: I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma... and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.
Mema: I want to go to bed but I can't. I can't turn that television off.
Michael: Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up, there. [turns off tv]
Mema: Oh. Thank you.
Michael: You're welcome.
Mema: It was that horrible Charlie Rose.
Michael: Oh. Isn't he terrible? May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That's part of life.
Mema: People are like cats and dogs these days.
Michael: Exactly.
Mema: This used to be such a great country.
Michael: I know.
Mema: I don't know what happened to it.
Michael: They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Mema.
Mema: You mean, Sylvia.
Michael: Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.
Andy: Partay. Room 639.
Kevin: Yes!
Andy: Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models.
Kevin: That sounds epic. Can we bring anything?
Andy: Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. 'Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo!
Andy: No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down.
Andy: If I was girl, I would seriously reconsdier coming to this party. But don't tell anyone that I said that, 'cause I want them to come.
Angela: And where do you think you're going?
Pam: I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
Angela: Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead?
Pam: I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.
Angela: Mmm-hmm. Ok. I'll go with you. Come on.
Pam: [sighs] Nevermind.
Angela: Are you sure?
Pam: Yeah.
Angela: It'll be fun.
Pam: No.
Michael: What are you wearing?
Dwight: What? It's a casual, social outfit.
Michael: Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.
Dwight: No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex.
Michael: Ok. [Dwight howls] That's not appropriate. [Dwight continues howling] Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl] Ok. Ok. Come on. Let's go. [both howl as they exit]
Kevin: It's a good idea.
Oscar: It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Kevin: Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.
Dwight: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight: Nine and three-quarters.
Dwight: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, 'No'.
Michael: [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Drop this one. Abort.
Michael: Why?
Dwight: I found twins.
Michael: Oh, my God. Twins. I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you.
Dwight: Aren't they magnificent?
Michael: They're men, Dwight.
Dwight: I love finding a good set of twins.
Michael: Something is wrong with you.
Erin: [everyone is dancing] Go Meredith. Nice moves.
Andy: You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, ok? Like this.
Kelly: Lame! What else you got, Andy?
Andy: How about a little bit of this.
Erin: Oh yeah. What else you got?
Kevin: What else you got?
Andy: Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams out in pain]
Erin: What else you got?
Kevin: It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Pam's here. [knocks on Pam's door] Pam? [knocks again]
Andy: I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket.
Pam: What?
Andy: I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.
Pam: Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours.
Andy: Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here.
Pam: [on the phone] Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital?
Jim: [over phone] What?
Pam: He tore his scrotum dancing.
Jim: [over phone] What?
Pam: He is in my room icing his balls.
Jim: [over phone] What?
Pam: Please stop saying what. Can you take him?
Jim: Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted.
Pam: Your brothers took you out drinking?
Jim: Uh...
Michael: [over phone] Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly.
Pam: That's Michael. You're out with Michael?
Jim: [over phone] And Dwight.
Dwight: [over phone] Hey-O!
Jim: Pam, it just happened.
Pam: Okay, fine. I'll take him.
Jim: I love you. Okay, I gotta-I gotta go!
Michael: [over phone] I love you! [laughs]
Pam: Are you pushing me off the phone?
Jim: No. Let's talk for a long time.
Pam: Goodbye. [hangs up phone]
Michael: Mmm! It's after midnight. [points at Jim]
Michael and Dwight: You're married. [hugs Jim] He's married!
Dwight: Congratulations.
Jim: That's not how that works.
Dwight: Oh my goodness.
Michael: Oh my God. You're not going to be able to talk back.
Dwight: You'll have Pam to answer to.
Michael: She'll be sitting home saying, 'Jim... take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons.' [Dwight laughs] 'And... and clip my toenails.'
Dwight: Jim... hey why don't you braid my hair. I want to watch TV.'
Michael: Now you sound like Kermit.
Andy: Are you sure this is the right way?
Pam: Nope. I, like you, have never been here before.
Andy: Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum.
Pam: Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split when you've never done one before.
Andy: I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so-
Pam: My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job.
Andy: Well it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so-
Andy: [Pam swerves the car back and forth] Ow, ow!
Andy: [snickers] I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.
Pam: Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?
Andy: No. No that was real.
Michael: [folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket] Why don't you take a picture. It'll last longer. God. Can't I get a little privacy?
Hotel Employee: [Kevin rings bell at the front desk] Good morning. How can I help you?
Kevin: I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
Hotel Employee: You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.
Kevin: Thank you.
Hotel Employee: [whispers to manager] Sir. It's the man with the shoes.
Hotel Manager: Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Hotel Manager: No. Destroyed.
Kevin: What?
Hotel Manager: The bag was opened by our shoe shine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Hotel Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin: Well... well damn-it.
Hotel Employee: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Kevin: Okay.
Dwight: [walking out of hotel room with a woman] You have everything?
Isabel: Hmm-hmm.
Dwight: Cell phone? Charger?
Isabel: Yeah. So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day.
Dwight: It really is. I'm not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you Isabel.
Isabel: That's really sweet, Dwight. So I'll see you at the wedding?
Dwight: You know it.
Isabel: K. [they kiss]
Dwight: Okay, get out of here.
Isabel: Bye.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: [passes Isabel] Hey, good morning. [to Dwight] It's about damn time. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. [walks into hotel room] Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit.
Dwight: [lays on bed] Really? I hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots.
Michael: [watching Dwight eat breakfast] How can you eat like that?
Dwight: I'm ravenous after a night of love making. You?
Michael: Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself.
Dwight: Hey, what was she like?
Michael: She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger.
Dwight: Brides side or grooms side? Or townie?
Michael: She was from Europe.
Dwight: No kidding.
Michael: Uh-huh.
Dwight: I bet she had hairy armpits.
Michael: No.
Dwight: Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere.
Michael: Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me?
Dwight: No.
Michael: She's Pam's best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe?
Dwight: Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth.
Michael: No... you're crazy.
Dwight: Look. She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass.
Michael: She's- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in. It- it-
Dwight: You should ask her out.
Michael: [stands up and walks away] I already have my European girlfriend.
Stanley: If your hat hits me in the face one more time-
Phyllis: That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. [glares at Stanley's date]
Angela: [sees Kevin's toupee] Oh my God.
Oscar: Oh...
Kevin: Oscar. Angela.
Erin: Are you in a lot of pain?
Andy: Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um-I just have that side to me.
Erin: People say you cry all the time.
Andy: Well that's not-
Meredith: Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me.
Andy: I wasn't telling you.
Meredith: Is there still something there?
Andy: Excuse me?
Meredith: It didn't get torn off?
Andy: No, it didn't-nothing got torn off. Who told you that?
Jim: I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married.
Erin: If you want to sit on this- [hands Andy her wrap] I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer.
Andy: It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you.
Michael: Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so- how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. [holds up painting] And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.
Dwight: I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs.
Penny: Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby.
Pam: Thank you weirdo.
Pam's mom: everybody see Kristie's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom.
Pam: Okay, here I come. [walks out in her wedding dress]
Pam's mom: Oh darling! You look beautiful.
Pam: Thanks mom.
Pam's mom: Oh, I hope he deserves you.
Pam: He does.
Pam's mom: Are you sure? Remember you don't have to do this. You don't.
Penny: Mom, you're totally projecting. You're being a drag.
Pam: Yes. Thank you, mom.
Isabel: Hey, I'm going to go outside and talk to Dwight.
Pam: Okay great. [Isabel kisses her cheek] Yeah, I'll see you in a second. [pauses] Wait, what? [tries to follow, but veil gets caught on wall and tears] Oh! Oh no!
Jim: [answers cell phone] Hey!
Pam: Can you come here please?
Jim: Is this allowed?
Pam: No. No, but I'm allowing it. Just come here.
Dwight: [talking to a woman] That was an intelligent comment.
Isabel: Hello stranger. How do I look?
Dwight: Oh. Fine. Isabel, [holds out hand] nice to see you. What do you want?
Isabel: Um... [shakes head] nothing. Anymore.
Dwight: [turns back to other woman] So, uh tell me again the difference between Filene's and Filene's basement.
Michael: [to Isabel] Hey, hey... He's not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy?
Isabel: I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid.
Michael: Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid. Where am I gonna go?
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Wow. You look-
Pam: Terrible.
Jim: So beautiful. [Pam's starts to cry. Jim pulls up chair to sit next to her] Hey-
Pam: My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels-
Jim: [takes her hand] Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty.
Pam: [sighs] Thank you.
Jim: And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right?
Pam: No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and- [Jim cuts off half his tie]
Jim: There. Now we're even. [Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture, they kiss]
Pam: [sighs] Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. [Jim chuckles] And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend. [sighs] This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people?
Phyllis: I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife.
Angela: Yes.
Oscar: [to Kevin who is bouncing up and down] What are you doing?
Kevin: I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.
Oscar: How long do you take to pee?
Kevin: The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.
Michael: [to Pam's mom] Hey. Hi. Do you-would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have-
Pam's mom: Oh, yeah-[hands Michael a snack]
Michael: Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or-
Pam's mom: No.
Michael: Oh... okay. Were you saving it?
Pam's mom: Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just-I've had a very rough weekend.
Michael: I'm sorry. [puts food in his mouth] Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.
Erin: Do you think they canceled the wedding?
Angela: Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party.
Michael: my weekend was bad so far.
Pam's mom: Oh-
Michael: I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm.
Pam's mom: Oh that sounds awful.
Michael: And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else.
Pam's mom: Oh-
Michael: It is a terrible year for love.
Pam's mom: Yeah. Guess it is.
Michael: I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen.
Tom Halpert: Excuse me, are you Michael Scott?
Michel: Um, yeah.
Tom: Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.
Pete Halpert: Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back.
Michael: Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. [pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them] There you go. Use it in good health.
Tom and Pete: [laughing] Yes!
Meredith: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing?
Stanley: Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?
Kevin: Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs?
Stanley: No.
Kevin: Who would want it?
Oscar: Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes.
Dwight: Toby.
Toby: What?
Dwight: I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour.
Toby: [sighs]
Dwight: [looks over and sees hole in his present] Crap. [sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up] Come here you.
Toby: Well I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them. [Jim and Pam walk in laughing]
Pam's dad: Hey. What happened?
Ryan: Where were you guys? Do you know how long I've been waiting here?
Jim: Well we are here now, so let's just-
Michael: [walks up] Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look?
Jim: You look great.
Pam: You look great.
Tom: [looks at Jim's cut tie] Wear a tie much?
Penny: [music starts playing and people start dancing down the isle] I begged them not to.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Penny: I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list.
Pam: Yes I did.
Penny: I'm sorry.
Pam: [smiles] Go ahead. I think it's your turn.
Penny: Wait, what happened? You're okay with this?
Pam: Yeah, I'm okay.
Penny: Okay then! [takes flower girl to dance down the isle]
Michael: Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube.
Pam: Saw it.
Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.
Kevin: What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Whoo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.


Michael: The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. 'Mental' is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Toby: Well the 'fun' is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.]
Michael: Get out.
Toby: [halfway out] Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need 'small talk.' What topics can you use for small talk?
Andy: Golf.
Michael: Mmhm.
Andy: Stock market.
Michael: Mmhm.
Andy: Dave Matthews.
Michael: Yes, what else?
Creed: Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes...
Michael: No.
Meredith: The weekend!
Michael: Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, 'So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?'
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
Michael: All right...
Meredith: He calls it an upper decker.
Michael: Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.
Ryan: Then do it.
Michael: What?
Ryan: Write a book.
Michael: [into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman...
Erin: [Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.
Michael: Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Erin: In your schedule it just says nine til noon is 'creative space' and I thought this could be part of that.
Michael: Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Erin: You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says 'free play.'
Michael: Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made.
Grotti: Ah.
Michael: Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
Grotti: As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride.
Michael: Mmhm.
Grotti: But you also got a lot of responsibility
Michael: Yep.
Grotti: None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.
Kevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.
Andy: What do you think?
Dwight: I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
Grotti: God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse.
Michael: Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.
Grotti: Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury.
Michael: Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.
Grotti: You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.
Michael: Okay, well.
Grotti: I can be very very persistent.
Michael: Do your worst. [they shake hands]
Michael: [Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great.
Grotti: Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?
Michael: Mmhm.
Andy: What happened in there?
Michael: Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
Dwight: Did he threaten you?
Michael: No Dwight, not everything is a threat.
Andy: Mobsters are!
Michael: There is no such things as monsters.
Andy: He drives an SUV!
Dwight: I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.
Oscar: Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?
Dwight: No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.
Michael: Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy: All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.
Oscar: For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.
Michael: I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.
Andy: Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!
Dwight: Exactly.
Michael: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Oscar: Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around]
Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between 'sane and others.' Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The 'coalition for reason' is extremely weak.
Toby: Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head]
Michael: [over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?
Ryan: Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'
Michael: Okay.
Ryan: What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?
Michael: Um it is, Grotti.
Andy and Dwight: [groans] Oh no. Fabulous.
Oscar: What? What?
Andy: It's John Gotti, you idiot!
Oscar: It's, it's a completely different name!
Phyllis: So he won't get caught!
Andy: Yeah. It's pretty close.
Oscar: No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.
Dwight: No I disagree. 'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder.' And not 'muck-duck.'
Michael: Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Dwight: Lock your door!
Michael: I'm not gonna lock my door. [door closes. Then clicks locked]
Jim: Hello?
Oscar: Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Jim: Oscar! Uh, what is going on?
Oscar: It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this.
Jim: Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-
Pam: Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon.
Oscar: Pam, I'm sorry-
Pam: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.
Oscar: You're right. You're right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye.
Michael: It's Grotti. He's following up.
Andy: Already? This, this guy is persistent!
Michael: [reads email] 'I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.'
Dwight: That's bad.
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: That's bad.
Michael: Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?
Andy: Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.
Michael: Okay, I'm calling the police.
Andy: [hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!
Dwight: He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.
Michael: All right.
Andy: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!
Michael: Shh!
Dwight: You know what?
Michael: That's not gonna happen.
Dwight: That's an exaggeration.
Andy: That's how it works!
Michael: What am I supposed to do here?
Andy: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back
Michael: I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Dwight: No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat.
Andy: Dwight...
Dwight: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.
Michael: I don't know, I don't know about that.
Andy: Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting.
Dwight: Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent.
Andy: Okay.
Dwight: Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.
Andy: [snaps fingers] I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.
Michael: Hold on, hold on! Just-
Andy: No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.
Michael: All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone.
Andy: Well you're gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight: We'll be right beside you.
Andy: What?
Michael: [Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat?
Andy: Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.
Dwight: Do you know how to use it?
Andy: To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it.
Michael: Let's go, come on. [whispers] God!
Andy: Should I change?
Dwight: You're wearing loafers!
Michael: Forget it! Forget it!
Michael: [Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!
Andy: Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it.
Dwight: Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.
Andy: Oh! God! [smacks roaches]
Michael: Oh my God!
Dwight: You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-
Michael: Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.
Michael: Hello.
Grotti: Mr. Scott.
Michael: Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.
Grotti: Hi. Angelo Grotti.
Andy: Hi.
Dwight: Hello.
Grotti: So, you got this table?
Michael: Yes.
Grotti: This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing.
Michael: Well.
Grotti: Waitress, we're gonna sit over here.
Waitress: That's fine.
Michael: Okay.
Kevin: [answers phone] Hello.
Credit card rep: Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin: Oh man, do you think it was stolen?
Rep: First would you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin: Um, yes. [looks at Jim's pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA
Rep: And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?
Kevin: Six-six-five-zero.
Rep: Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Kevin: Wait a minute. Yes I am.
Rep: I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Kevin: No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Rep: Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away.
Kevin: No-
Rep: Have a nice day, and thank you!
Kevin: Shoot.
Grotti: If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy.
Dwight: Oh he's not that nice.
Michael: That's not true.
Andy: Hmm. Very true.
Michael: Okay shut up.
Waitress: Have you decided?
Grotti: Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress: Okay then. And for you sir?
Michael: I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress: The... what?
Michael: The gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't really know what that is.
Andy: [with Soprano's inflection] You know, gabba-gool.
Michael: I don't, I don't have to have that.
Dwight: What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool.
Michael: Guys, guys-
Waitress: I don't really think that we have that.
Michael: That's okay.
Dwight: Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael: Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad.
Waitress: Okay.
Michael: If the salad is on top, I send it back.
Oscar: Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?
Kevin: I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone.
Oscar: This constitutes identity fraud.
Kevin: Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you.
Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail.
Oscar: Why would I love jail?
Kevin: Because... You would love it.
Michael: I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
Grotti: Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.
Andy: Maybe we have a plan for you?
Grotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it.
Woman: [approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?
Andy: Yeeeeah.
Woman: My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?
Andy: Yes I can.
Michael: No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad.
Grotti: Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!
Andy: Okay!
Woman: Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
Michael: Hey, do you need any help?
Grotti: I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down.
Michael: He's a good mechanic.
Grotti: Where were we?
Michael: I don't...
Dwight: He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.
Michael: Okay, okay okay.
Dwight: So we're choosing...
Michael: Yep, all right.
Dwight: Check out Dental?
Michael: Put it down.
Andy: Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down.
Kid: He seems bad at this.
Andy: You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube.
Woman: What?!?
Andy: So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated]
Grotti: Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] You okay, Pat?
Andy: Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of.
Grotti: Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?
Andy: It was before, my tech- my technical training.
Dwight: Don't do it!
Andy: Do it.
Dwight: Don't.
Andy: Just do it.
Michael: Okay.
Grotti: Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?
Michael: It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
Andy: You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you.
Michael: I had to make a snap decision Dwight.
Dwight: It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.
Michael: It was a lot of snap decisions.
Dwight: Do you know what 'snap decision' means?
Michael: Yes!
Dwight: It means like this. [snaps fingers]
Michael: Just get in the car.
Jim: Hello?
Michael: Jim?
Jim: Michael?
Michael: Oh thank God.
Jim: How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran.
Michael: It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.
Jim: That sounds bad.
Michael: Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend.
Jim: I'm gonna help you through it all right?
Michael: Okay!
Jim: All you're gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and- it- and then go to-
Michael: Jim? Are you?
Jim: And then you'll be saved.
Michael: What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.
Jim: Just [drops] and then you'll be saved.
Michael: No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!
Jim: A- ah-
Michael: No! Oh my God!
Jim: And you'll be saved.
Michael: No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!
Jim: I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again.
Michael: Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God.
Michael: Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?
Oscar: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.
Michael: Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?
Oscar: Just- no. No.
Michael: All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.
Dwight: We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault.
Andy: He's alive. So you're welcome.
Dwight: Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.
Andy: Yeah, some of that existed before.
Dwight: Not the living in fear, that's new.
Andy: You're right, that is new.
Dwight: Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Andy: Well I don't see that happening.
Dwight: Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Andy: Are you saying-
Dwight: Yeah...
Andy: That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?
Dwight: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!
Andy: That seems a little far-fetched.
Dwight: Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.
Dwight: Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.
Michael: No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.
Andy: No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.
Dwight: It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.
Andy: Class act. Boy scout.
Michael: But Grotti acts like he's mafia though.
Andy: He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman.
Dwight: And he made us all look like chumps!
Michael: [grunts]
Michael: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.
Grotti: This is Grotti.
Michael: This is Scott.
Grotti: Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now.
Michael: Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Grotti: I, I thought you'd be pleased.
Michael: Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd.
Grotti: What?
Michael: I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.
Grotti: I don't get it. How was I scaring you?
Michael: I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
Andy: Whoa. Okay.
Michael: You suck!
Dwight: Okay that's-
Michael: And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance.
Dwight: That's good, let's wrap it up.
Michael: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?
Grotti: Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?
Michael: Doubt it. [disconnects call]
Dwight and Andy: [relaxing] Oh man.
Michael: What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?
Andy: Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!
Michael: No. What do you mean?
Dwight: We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared.
Michael: What?
Dwight: You successfully backed down the mob!
Andy: You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!
Michael: Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not.
Michael: So I looked him in the eye and I said, 'Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead.' I said something like that.
Dwight: Very close.
Oscar: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.
Michael: Erin?
Erin: Yes?
Michael: Coffee?
Erin: Okay.
Michael: Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back.
Erin: Okay.
Michael: Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back.
Erin: How do you return coffee?
Michael: Go. Any questions?
Pam: [on phone] Are you kidding me?
Kevin: Hi Pam, is Jim there?
Pam: Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!
Kevin: Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi.
Pam: Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.
Kevin: Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye.
Kevin: They have no idea what happened.


Erin: They're back!
Kevin: Oooh yeah... [people chuckle] Jim and Pam!
Kelly: How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?
Jim: It was.
Pam: It really was.
Jim: Really was.
Kelly: [voice cracks] I'm so happy for you...
Jim: Puerto Rico was awesome.
Pam: Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot.
Jim: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans. [laughs] Always makes her laugh.
Pam: [goofy voice] Frank and beans!
Michael: Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there?
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: Is someone there? I can't see you because I'm blind.
Dwight: Its Jim and Pam, Michael.
Michael: [gasps] It is?
Dwight: Yeah...
Michael: They're back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! [reaching out with hands at chest level]
Jim: Nope.
Michael: And oh, Jim...
Pam: Hi, Michael.
Michael: Oh, I haven't see you since my accident that I had when I fell- I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy.
Michael: Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him. [groans]
Meredith: So what'd you bring us?
Pam: Some candy.
Meredith: What else?
Pam: That's it.
Meredith: Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding.
Michael: [behind Pam, acting out blind-guy, groaning]
Pam: It's good to be home.
Dwight: This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Jim: Do we have a conversation scheduled?
Dwight: Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two... I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... [high voice, holding up wooden mallard] con-quack-ulations!
Jim: Wow, that's... really thoughtful of you, Dwight, thank you.
Dwight: [duck voice] You're welcome! [quacks, laughs]
Dwight: I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.
Dwight: I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
Jim: It's a real handsome duck.
Dwight: Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.
Pam: Hey!
Erin: Hi!
Pam: Uh, we brought back some Puerto Rican candy.
Erin: Coco Leche! That's my favorite!
Pam: Awesome! I'll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it.
Erin: Oh, um, let me just check with Michael first.
Pam: [laughs] I think it'll be okay.
Erin: [laughs] I think it will too, but I'll just check with him, though.
Pam: Great.
Erin: Oops, sorry. [slides candy back to Pam] Oops.
Michael: I have recently taken a lover.
Jim: Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?
Michael: Pam's mom.
Jim: What?
Michael: Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?
Jim: You're messing with me.
Michael: About what?
Jim: You did not have sex with Pam's mom.
Michael: Oh, big time.
Jim: What kind of car does she drive?
Michael: She drives a green camry.
Jim: [expletive]
Michael: And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.
Jim: Oh my God. [Michael bangs the table] Oh my God.
Michael: [laughs] What?
Jim: Okay, never tell Pam, and secondly-
Michael: Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright?
Jim: Oh my God.
Toby: [walks in] Hey, Jim.
Jim: Not now, Toby, my God!
Toby: Oh, Jesus!
Michael: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby: What did I do?
Jim: Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again.
Michael: I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.
Jim: No, not more than anything.
Michael: Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-
Jim: Don't call her 'the mom.'
Michael: She's right on my way home from work.
Jim: Then take a different way home, man!
Michael: I di- alright, I'll take surface streets, its- the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam.
Jim: Okay, so we're good.
Michael: Yeah.
Michael: Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?
Erin: Sure. Oh, is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico?
Michael: Sure. Thanks for asking.
Erin: Pam, we're all set. [Pam places candy on Erin's desk] Yum.
Jim: Frank and beans!
Pam: Frank and beans! [both laugh] So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?
Jim: You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?
Pam: Bottle of rum it is. [takes package out of bag] Alright, shall we?
Jim: You know what, I am really slammed, trying to catch up on everything here and I know that Michael's slammed too. So, maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy.
Pam: Come on, it'll take two seconds.
Jim: No, it- [high-pitched feedback as Jim starts to leave, feedback changes as he moves, turns over the mallard to see the listening devics, sighs, places mallard back on the desk]
Michael: [unwraps rum gift] Oh, wow.
Pam: [giggles]
Michael: That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.
Erin: Michael, you're all set at Botticelli's. I changed the reservation to two people.
Michael: Erin, look. [holds up parrot rum bottle]
Erin: Fun!
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: Wow, Botticelli's, that sounds like a special occasion.
Michael: Yeah, no, it's nobody.
Pam: [laughs] I don't know. I think Michael has a date.
Michael: [chuckles] Hmm... no.
Pam: [laughs] I think you have a date.
Michael: I don't.
Pam: Come on.
Jim: Uh, I think we should just drop it... 'cause obviously he doesn't want to talk about it.
Michael: [sighs] I don't deserve this, guys.
Jim: Yes, you do.
Michael: No, I don't.
Jim: Just take the parrot.
Michael: [long exhale]
Jim: Okay, back to the old grind.
Michael: I was probably going to break up with her anyway.
Pam: Oh, that's too bad.
Jim: Don't-
Michael: Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here.
Jim: Sounds complicated.
Michael: It is.
Pam: Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes.
Michael: You want me to be happy?
Pam: Of course.
Michael: Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine.
Pam: Oh.
Michael: More than a friend, a co-worker.
Pam: Oh! Gossip, who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? ...Who?
Michael: It's okay.
Pam: No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo!
Michael: That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.
Pam: [screams out in the parking lot, Michael watches from his office window]
Dwight: [to Michael] You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...
Michael: [sighs] Feels good.
Dwight: There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
Michael: I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.
Dwight: ...the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.
Pam: [outside, on cell phone] How could you do this to me? He's my boss! How many times have I complained about him to you? No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!
Jim: [singsong voice] Who wants a hot chocolate?
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: [sighs] Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I played it just right I can get Dwight to play out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.
Jim: Andy, can I talk to you for a second?
Andy: Sure thing, Tuna Boss.
Jim: [holding up a sign that reads, 'Dwight picked the wrong day to put a wooden mallard in my office']
Andy: [in Jim's office] How may I be of service to you?
Jim: I am gonna need your advice [starts playing loud opera music, everyone can hear it, Creed starts crying] I was thinking about getting this opera for Dwight's birthday, what do you think?
Andy: [both look at Dwight, Jim waves] This aurea is a joke.
Jim: Really?
Andy: What are you thinking?
Jim: I was gonna go with this one.
Andy: [both look at Dwight who is standing right outside the office] Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.
Dwight: [Andy gets up and leaves the office] The Nard Dog... what was that all about?
Andy: I know, right?
Dwight: What were you talking about in there?
Andy: Trust me it would only make you mad. [opera continues, Dwight looks at Jim standing outside his office, waves, Jim waves back]
Michael: [in the conference room leading a meeting] Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
Andy: Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?
Michael: That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.
Pam: Haha! Ha ha ha.
Jim: And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice. [everyone claps and makes comments]
Michael: Who wants to help the world one step at a time? [Dwight raises his hand] Alright, good.
Dwight: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.
Michael: Alright, that's...
Meredith: Paint a mural of Chicano leaders.
Michael: Alright...
Pam: I have a way to make Scranton a better place, you could leave it. [laughter]
Michael: Okay, I'm out of here, [pretends to leave] see you later guys...
Various: Get out and stay out, bye...
Michael: Ok, oh no here's an idea... conservation...
Pam: I love it, conservation. Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. [stands up and cheers] No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! [Stanley cheers her on in the background]
Michael: Anybody else? Who else has an idea?
Angela: I have some ideas about conservation...
Jim: Yes! Angela! Please...
Michael: [Michael leaves to answer his phone] Can you hold down the fort? [on phone] Hey boo!
Angela: Thank you. Sure well first of all I think that we could totally...
Michael: [on phone] What's it... why are you crying?
Jim: Yes! I think we should look into that. If you could just speak up louder...
Kevin: [to Angela] Shhhh...
Angela: Well, for our profit...
Kevin: [to Angela] Shhh...
Michael: [on phone] No, no, no, I'll talk to her. I will... No... nobody talks to my baby that way... uh ah... yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. Alright, by pickle.
Kevin: Who's pickle?
Michael: [hangs up phone and walks back into conference room] Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now.
Angela: I'm sorry, I was told I had the floor.
Jim: Yes.
Oscar: Hold on, hold on, what's going on?
Jim: Nothing... nothing at all... it's all good!
Pam: I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology.
Michael: For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Pam: Don't call my mother your lover.
Kevin: Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
Andy: That is not okay dude.
Michael: Alright, in my defense...
Phyllis: Disgusting...
Creed: She's messed up man...
Pam: Yes! Thank you, welcome to my personal hell!
Oscar: You have no sense of boundaries Michael.
Michael: Shut up Oscar. Hey, alright, you know what, clearly I'm outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please? What is so wrong about me? I'm caring, I'm generous, I'm sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness.
Phyllis: Good luck Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for.
Oscar: Maybe you're right, who are we to...
Pam: Shut up Oscar. What is wrong with all of you, he is sleeping with my mother!
Dwight: I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Michael: Let's get back to the matter at hand.
Pam: Whatever, you know, sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody's mom...
Michael: No, no, no... no, no...
Ryan: Whoa, that's my mother you're talking about...
Michael: I don't like the tone here... this is a place of business, you are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
Pam: Uhh, huh, ho... oooh my God, you are ridiculous!
Michael: Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.
Pam: You are never going to be my father, you get out!
Michael: I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am...
Pam: Me too...
Pam: Hey. [walks up to Oscar and hands him a report to sign]
Oscar: Hey.
Angela: [in a sing-songy voice] Pam, how's your day going?
Oscar: Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a little bit, your mom's old enough to make her own decisions.
Pam: Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom?
Oscar: My mother's in a wheelchair.
Pam: Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that... Oh could I just get you to sign this second page.
Kelly: [Dwight listening in his ear piece] Ryan, I have to ask you a personal question. Do you think that I should get a Fedora?
Ryan: Ahh, I don't think so, no...
Kelly: Well, I think I'd look really hot in one. Where'd you get your fedora?
Ryan: I'd rather not say.
Kelly: I think I'm gonna get the same fedora as you.
Erin: Hi Dwight!
Dwight: [Dwight storms through the break room listening to Kelly and Ryan in his ear piece] Shh!
Ryan: [Ryan and Kelly talking] ...it should go with the persona you already have.
Kelly: Well, I think I have that persona.
Dwight: Where did you get that mallard?
Kelly: What the hell is a mallard?
Dwight: That!
Kelly: Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me.
Dwight: Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.
Kelly: If you take it back, I'll scream.
Dwight: [sighs heavily] I'll give you five bucks for it.
Ryan: Twenty.
Dwight: Ten.
Ryan: Deal. [pays Ryan and takes the mallard back]
Kelly: [to Ryan] You're so cool.
Ryan: This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.
Michael: [walks into Toby's office] Hey Toby, could I talk to you for a minute?
Toby: Yeah, sure, what's up?
Michael: Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier that was... uncalled for, I'm sorry.
Toby: Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot. Thank you for saying it.
Michael: Can I sit down for a second?
Toby: Yeah, er... pull up a chair or sit on the shredder.
Michael: This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation.
Toby: Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the work place.
Michael: She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.
Toby: Ok, I mean, I could talk to her.
Michael: Really? Would you do that?
Toby: Yeah... that's why they pay me the big bucks. [both laugh]
Michael: [hugs Toby, who smiles big] You're a good, good guy.
Toby: I'm good...
Toby: You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.
Toby: [walks up to Pam's desk with a binder] Hey Pam, could I talk to you for a sec?
Pam: Sure, what's up?
Toby: Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened today, it would be a good idea if today, you, me, and Michael could head into the conference room for some conflict resolution.
Pam: [to Michael] What's the matter, you can't fight your own battles?
Michael: No... that's...
Toby: Maybe you could just take the rest of the day off... you know...
Pam: [to Michael] Oh, would that make you feel better?
Michael: I don't... um... I can't hear your conversation.
Pam: You can tell Michael that I'm not leaving.
Toby: [gets up and puts a hand on Michael's shoulder] Buddy, I think that...
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah-okay... you're a jackass. [to Pam] Hey, hey, you know what? You're just as stubborn as your mother, when you don't wanna do something you just don't do it.
Stanley: Heh, heh, heh.
Pam: Michael, you're just her rebound!
Michael: You were right Jim, shoulda listened to you, should never have told her.
Pam: [to Jim] What! You knew?
Jim: Barely, I... I don't have all the facts. Frank and Bean...
Michael: [Pam storms into break room] Okay, do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will.
Pam: Mmmmm, yes!
Michael: Well, that is not gonna happen!
Pam: Then why'd you even offer!?
Michael: Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
Pam: Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh[beep] about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!
Michael: You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Pam: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael: You know what it means.
Jim: [Pam storms out of the break room] Hey...
Pam: Shut it!
Jim: Yep...
Michael: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam's mom, my aunt... although she just blocked me on IM, what's her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.
Jim: [walks into his office and sees the mallard back on his desk] Dwight, you brought the mallard back.
Dwight: Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even...
Jim: [speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight] Hi buddy.
Dwight: [walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece] I'm sorry.
Jim: A wooden duck?
Dwight: Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Jim: Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this and you are not equipped for espionage...
Dwight: Oh, I'm equipped... I can...
Jim: Silence.
Dwight: Don't tell Michael...
Jim: I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car.
Dwight: Punishment fits the crime, I accept. [shakes Jim's hand and leaves]
Michael: [leaving his office with his rum] Night everyone. Night Pam, thanks again for the rum.
Erin: Night Michael.
Michael: Night Erin.
Jim: [in the conference room] Hey Pam, can I see you for a second? So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So he generously offered to wash our car.
Pam: [looking out the window at Dwight washing the car] Awww, he did that for me?
Jim: Yes, he did. You know what was nice, nights swimming in Bayou bay.
Pam: Mmmm.
Jim: [Michael is seen debating on whether to come back in to the office] Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?
Pam: Haha, yeah. Say more nice things.
Jim: Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it and Frank and Beans!
Pam: Maybe I'm overreacting.
Jim: Yeah... maybe.
Pam: But I don't think I am.
Jim: You're not, nope. Nope.
Kevin: [Ryan is walking out of the office ahead of him] Oh... where'd you get that hat?
Ryan: I'd rather not say.
Dwight: [walks into Jims office, twists the top of the pen that he placed in Jim's pen holder which has a bug in it, pushes play] [Jim's voice] 'We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our...' [pauses recording] I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. [starts the recording again] '...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer.'