Ryan: [entering office] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie.
Jim: No. They're in the conference room.
Ryan: Good.
Pam: Wait, are those Michael's Levis?
Ryan: Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans?
Pam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.
Pam: [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk]
Jan: This is a projection of the county's needs...
Michael: Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.
Jan: Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals...
Jim: So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years.
Jan: So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um-
Michael: I changed it. To Chili's.
Jan: Excuse me?
Michael: Radisson just gives out this vibe, 'Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson'. It's kind of snooty. So.
Jan: You had no right to do that, Michael.
Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.
Jan: It said that.
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Jan: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.
Michael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip.
Jan: What?
Oscar: She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out.
Jim: No...
Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Toby: That is unbelievable.
Pam: What is going on?
Jim: We are doing worst first dates.
Pam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar: Ok, that's a joke.
Pam: No, they had to come back for me.
Jim: Wait, when was this?
Pam: Umm... it was not that long ago.
Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs]
Jim: I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting.
Michael: Ok, let's do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck.
Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.
Jan: Thank you.
Michael: [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now.
Jan: Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour.
Michael: Well...
Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios!
Jan: So which way is Chili's?
Michael: Uh, I'll drive.
Jan: Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there.
Michael: It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?
Jan: I know Scranton.
Michael: At all!
Jan: Alright.
Michael: You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-
Jan: If it's a couple blocks away-
Michael: Dar de dar.
Jan: Ok.
Michael: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.
Michael: We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Jan: Why would we need a signal?
Michael: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-
Jan: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?
Michael: Well, I... it could be either of us.
Jan: You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.
Michael: Yeees.
Michael: Hello? Christian?
Christian: Yes.
Michael: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
Jan: Just Jan Levinson.
Michael: No Gould?
Jan: No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?
Christian: No, not long.
Michael: Uh, Jan, what happened?
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Is Gould dead? What uh-
Jan: Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
Michael: Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about?
Jan: Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please?
Michael: When did this happen?
Jan: We're in a meeting.
Michael: Ok.
Hostess: This way, please.
Jan: Christian.
Michael: Alright, after you.
Christian: Thank you.
Michael: [mouths 'Wow' to the camera]
Jan: I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.
Christian: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction-
Michael: Awesome blossom.
Jan: What?
Michael: [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?
Christian: Sure.
Michael: Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done.
Jan: So-
Michael: I heard a-
Jan: If you have a-
Michael: Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?
Jan: Christian, you don't have to listen to this.
Christian: It's ok, I like jokes.
Michael: Ok.
Jan: Just the one.
Michael: Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo.
Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
Pam: [to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read 'em?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-
Michael: No.
Pam: When-
Michael: Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Pam: Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship-
Michael: Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Pam: Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.
Jim: Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk]
Pam: It is a screenplay. Starring himself.
Jim: Agent Michael Scarn.
Pam: Of the FBI.
Jim: How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings.
Pam: What is that?
Jim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.
Michael: First guy says 'Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn'. And the second guy says, 'Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort'. And the third guy says 'I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe'.
Christian: Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Jan: [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?
Jim: Do we all have our copy of 'Threat Level: Midnight', by Michael Scott?
Everyone: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones.
Phyllis: That's the character's name?
Jim: Oh yeah-
Dwight: Ok, you guys should not be doing this.
Jim: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.
Dwight: You took something that doesn't belong to you.
Jim: Dwight-
Dwight: Brought it in here-
Jim: Do you want to play-
Dwight: Made copies of it-
Jim: The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?
Michael: [making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That's delicious! I love it!
Jan: We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match.
Christian: Well, we are out to save money.
Jan: What's the bottom line?
Michael: Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.
Michael: That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault.
Michael: Did somebody say 'baby back ribs'? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
Jan: I don't think Christian has time for that.
Christian: I have time.
Michael: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs]
Michael and Christian: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-
Michael: [singing] Chili's baby back ribs...
Jim: [reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters.
Phyllis: Sir, you have some messages.
Dwight: Not now!
Phyllis: They're important.
Dwight: Ok, what are they?
Phyllis: First message is: 'I love you'. That's from me.
Dwight: Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!
Dwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of 'Oklahoma' in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.
Dwight: If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang.
Ryan: Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.
Dwight: Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy]
Pam: Hey, uh, I have to work late.
Roy: [looks around conference room] You're joking right?
Jim: Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-
Dwight: Pow! Pow! Pow!
Ryan: Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.
Kevin: Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. [Smiles] Heh.
Jim: A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?
Oscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?
Dwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.
Ryan: I forget it, brutha.
Dwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who's Dwigt?
Pam: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops.
Dwight: D-W-I-G-H-T.
Dwight: Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end.
Jim: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-
Dwight: Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.
Jim: That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah?
Christian: So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her.
Michael: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.
Jan: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.
Michael: Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing.
Christian: It's not fair.
Michael: She's not playing the game.
Jan: We'd been fighting for a while-
Michael: Check please.
Jan: He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.
Christian: You didn't.
Jan: I was stupid.
Michael and Christian: No.
Michael: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?
Christian: That's right.
Michael: You know?
Christian: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
Michael: It's true.
Christian: You said 'World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!'
Jim: I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer.
Jim: [Pam lights a candle] Wow.
Pam: For the bugs.
Jim: Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.
Pam: Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner.
Christian: Right down the street?
Michael: Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
Christian: I know.
Michael: It's bad.
Christian: It's terrible.
Michael: It, you know what, it really is.
Jan: Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh]
Christian: I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts.
Michael: Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?
Jim: So, I guess I'll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours.
Pam: What are you going to do with your time off?
Jim: Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself.
Pam: [points to Jim's iPod] You have new music?
Jim: Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely.
Michael: [waving to Christian] See ya.
Jan: Bye... thanks. [pumps fist] Yes!
Michael: We did it!
Jan: We got it!
Michael: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.
Jan: I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go.
Michael: What!?
Jan: Let's go.
Michael: Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok.
Dwight: [waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael's office] Michael? [looks out Michael's window] His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who's this? Jan?
Michael: Morning, Pam. Hey.
Michael: No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So.
Michael: Hello, Dwight.
Dwight: Did you do her?
Michael: Who.
Dwight: Jan Levinson-Gould.
Michael: Uh, no, no, no Gould.
Dwight: Did you do her?
Michael: This is none of your affair because she is your boss-
Dwight: And she is your boss.
Michael: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all?
Jim: Jan didn't come back for her car last night.
Pam: What!?
Jim: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?
Pam: Oh, I don't know... [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan's cell.
Jim: No way.
Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, [phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. [to camera] Would you excuse me? [to Jan] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. [goes under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk [to camera which is now under desk] Excuse me? Excuse me?! [to Jan] I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something!
Jim: Some might even say that we had our first date last night.
Pam: Oh, really?
Jim: Really.
Pam: Why might some say that?
Jim: Cause there was dinner, by candlelight.
Pam: Uh hmm.
Jim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.
Pam: We didn't dance.
Jim: You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic.
Pam: Swaying isn't dancing.
Jim: Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.
Pam: I have some faxes to get out.
Jim: Oh, come on, Pam. I-
Jim: Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?
Michael: Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly?
Pam: Hmm...
Michael: Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet. It's, it's kind of unique. It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It's perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea.
Kevin: Most of that is good.
Michael: [throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs?
Jan: I'm almost there, so we should have plenty of time to go over the presentation.
Michael: Uh huh.
Jan: And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I've also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m.
Michael: Conflict!
Jan: What?
Michael: I have a conflict with that.
Jan: What do you mean?
Michael: Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies.
Jan: Michael. I need you to take this seriously.
Michael: I can't get out of it!
Jan: Michael-
Michael: Ok, alright.
Jan: Are you hearing me?
Michael: I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed.
Jan: This is a very important-
Michael: Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once.
Jan: [sighs] I'll see you in ten minutes.
Michael: 42897. Ok.
Michael: What is a closer? A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done. And that is me. A B C, always be closing. Glen Garry, Glen Ross. 'Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads.' 'No way, they're just for closers.' 'Do you know who you're talking to?' 'I'm Michael Scott.' 'Really? Well, take any lead you want.' 'No thanks, I don't need 'em.' Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer. [sighs] So suck on that.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Hi.
Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: I don't know, I think I was just staring at my desk.
Jim: Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go.
Pam: Yeah, do you mind leaving?
Jim: No, not at all.
Pam: It's very important.
Jim: Uh hmm.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: Sure.
Phyllis: Do you think they'll get the account. [Stanley stares at her] How come you never answer me?
Stanley: I'm sorry, Phyllis. No, I don't think they'll get the account.
Jim: [reading screenplay] Bullets are flying everywhere. Ooo, wait, last page, big finish. Here we go. Agent Michael Scarn kicks open the plane door with a karate chop.
Dwight: A kick and a chop are two totally different things.
Jim: Well, it's just a movie, Dwigt.
Dwight: It doesn't make any sense.
Oscar: Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense.
Ryan: Don't jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes!
Jim: Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head.
Pam: Oh! So close to retirement.
Jim: Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute.
Ryan: Is that it?
Jim: Yup, I guess so.
Phyllis: Does he die?
Pam: I sincerely doubt it.
Angela: I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie.
Jim: What was my worst first date? Umm. It was a couple of years ago. It was a lunch date, actually, it was right down here, at Cugino's. And we had just met, and we really hit it off, it was, it was kinda nice. Umm, huh. And, uh, then, as it turned out, it wasn't even a date, because she was actually in love with someone else. So, best first date is also my worst first date. Oddly enough.


Dwight: [bouncing on an exercise ball] You should get one of these.
Jim: No. Thank you.
Dwight: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim: Done.
Dwight: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [knocks things around Jim's desk] Sorry.
Jim: S'ok.
Dwight: Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim: You're not having sex.
Dwight: Plus, improves your reflexes [knocks over more stuff] see, I would have caught that.
Jim: Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that?
Dwight: It's only twenty-five bucks.
Jim: Wow. Um, ok. [pops Dwight's orb with scissors]
Michael: Pam, could I see you in my office?
Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.
Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy-
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman-
Pam: Oh, no.
Michael: And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] 'Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon.' First impressions?
Pam: Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon.
Michael: My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.
Michael: [playing Jan's message] 'I guess I missed you.' I guess I missed you. So, she misses me?
Pam: She missed you.
Michael: But then she goes on to say 'that will be our only topic of discussion'. That doesn't mean anything, those are just words.
Pam: I have one idea of what it means.
Michael: Ok. Yeah, what, what?
Pam: Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this.
Michael: Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review-
Pam: Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you.
Michael: Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?
Pam: Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward.
Michael: Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. [plays Jan's message] 'Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you'.
Dwight: Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review.
Jim: Ok.
Dwight: Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight: Oh, yes, we do.
Jim: No, we don't.
Dwight: Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise.
Jim: Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim: I win.
Dwight: Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid.
Jim: Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?
Dwight: Uh, duh.
Jim: Duh.
Jim: Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael: God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry.
Stanley: Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael: No kidding.
Stanley: It's all about my bonus.
Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out.
Jim: Ohh...
Pam: Maybe more.
Jim: Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'.
Pam: Oh, yea!
Michael: Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn.
Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: Jan's on the phone for you.
Michael: Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.
Michael: Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah?
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?
Jan: I am returning your many calls.
Michael: Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's.
Jan: No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch.
Michael: Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's.
Jan: Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael.
Michael: Oh.
Jan: I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Michael: Been thinking about you.
Jan: Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior.
Michael: Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just-
Jan: Michael.
Michael: Yep.
Jan: Are the cameras with you...
Michael: No.
Jan: ...in your office?
Michael: They are not. Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up] That's my girlfriend.
Kevin: I heard they made out and had sex.
Oscar: No, they just made out. That's it.
Kevin: Well, I heard they made out
Angela: Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved.
Kevin: Romances?
Michael: Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A 'Michael-idea' folder?
Pam: Sorry.
Michael: That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there.
Pam: What suggestion box?
Michael: The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes?
Pam: Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started.
Michael: Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p.
Ryan: Don't you mean constructive criticism?
Michael: What did I say?
Kelly: You said 'constructive complements'; that doesn't make any sense.
Michael: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K?
Jim: [on phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a...
Dwight: Saturday.
Jim: [pumps fist] ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon.
Jan: [on phone] We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. [to Pam] Could you please tell Michael that I'm here?
Pam: Sure.
Michael: Hi, Jan. How are you?
Jan: I'm good; how are you?
Michael: Good to see you.
Jan: Nice to see you.
Michael: Ok. [tries to kiss Jan's hand] Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here.
Jan: Can we please go in your office?
Michael: Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls.
Kevin: Oooo.
Michael: Alright [takes Jan's coat].
Jan: Thank you.
Michael: It's nice to see you.
Jan: Nice to see you too, Michael.
Michael: Really?
Jan: Not like that.
Michael: Oh, well.
Jan: You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business.
Michael: Alright.
Jan: Period.
Michael: Yep.
Jan: Do we understand each other.
Michael: Absolutely.
Michael: I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because 'Oh, I regret that.' But, 'Wait, I'm still gonna call you.' But, but, 'We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job.' But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business.
Jan: So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?
Michael: No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. [cold Jan stare] We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question?
Jan: No.
Michael: This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise.
Jan: Fine.
Michael: Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Jan: How is that a business question?
Michael: Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy.
Jan: Please don't smell me, Michael.
Pam: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Hey, how's it goin'?
Pam: Oh my God, did you see 'The Apprentice' last night?
Jim: Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam: You didn't see it?
Dwight: No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking?
Michael: I don't understand- [phone rings] Hold on. Sorry. [answers] Yes, Pam.
Pam: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael: I did not, not, not use those words.
Jan: Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting [to Pam] is it happening right now?
Michael: No, it's in like ten minutes.
Pam: Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Jan: Great. Very good.
Michael: Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: 'What should we do to prepare for Y2K?'
Dwight: What should we do to prepare for Y2K?
Kelly: I thought you read these every week.
Michael: Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. [to Jan] That happens occasionally.
Dwight: It happens occasionally.
Michael: And, um, one down. Next suggestion: 'we need better outreach for employees fighting depression'. Ok, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
Jan: That sounds serious, Michael.
Michael: Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it?
Dwight: Tom?
Michael: Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Phyllis: Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. [blank stares] Tom? [acts like she's shooting herself in the head] Pow.
Michael: Oh, that guy? That guy was weird. Alright, next suggestion.
Dwight: Next suggestion.
Michael: Arrr, dooby dooby do. 'You need to do something about your B.O.'
Dwight: You need to do something about your B.O.
Michael: Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion. Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael: Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words.
Creed: Uh, Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael: Was I, Creed?! Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of. Ok? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. 'You need to do something about your coffee breath'-
Dwight: You need-
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: To do something about-
Michael: Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box.
Angela: Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Michael: Yeah, is that hard for you? Alright, well-
Angela: Well, when you have coffee breath-
Michael: I'll work on that-
Angela: It's hard.
Michael: Let's keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum. I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow.
Dwight: Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?
Michael: Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion.
Dwight: Next suggestion.
Michael: Don't sl-', ok, that's blank [Dwight picks up note] Don't, just put it-
Dwight: Don't sleep with your boss'? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
Jan: I can't, I can't-
Michael: I don't understand why you're so upset.
Jan: Please sit down.
Michael: Let me ask you-
Jan: You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there.
Michael: Ok, let me ask you this.
Jan: Please, sit yourself down.
Michael: Let me ask you something.
Jan: What, Michael.
Michael: Where did you get your outfit?
Dwight: [loud metal music playing in a stairwell; Dwight pacing] You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! [plays air guitar] Yes! [kicks] Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome!
Michael: I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Jan: Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same
Michael: Look-
Dwight: Michael?
Michael: Oh my God...
Dwight: I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out?
Jan: No, Dwight; come in.
Dwight: Great.
Michael: What do you want Dwight?
Dwight: I am ready for my performance review.
Michael: Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye.
Jan: Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael?
Michael: You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave.
Dwight: Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise?
Michael: Why on earth would we give you a raise?
Dwight: That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. [points to graphs] I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. [Michael sighs] Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.
Michael: You do? How do you get in?
Dwight: I have a copy of your key.
Jan: That's a serious offense!
Michael: That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart.
Jan: Oh! Michael, for God sakes!
Dwight: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael: Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that?
Dwight: For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.
Michael: That was deer!? Gross, oh!
Dwight: You liked it!
Michael: Oh, did not!
Dwight: Jan, have you ever had deer?
Jan: No.
Dwight: It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise.
Michael: What do you say, Jan?
Jan: Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes.
Michael: Ok. You just, uh, clear your head.
Jan: [Dwight opens door] Thank you, Dwight.
Jan: Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her purse] Do you have a light?
Dwight: And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said 'Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of'.
Michael: That's from Superman?
Dwight: Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise.
Pam: Do you think Michael and Jan actually...
Jim: I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam.
Pam: How do you come back from that?
Jim: Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together.
Pam: No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that?
Jim: Oh-
Pam: As a human being.
Jim: Yeah, no, I don't think you can.
Jan: I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow.
Michael: Wait.
Jan: K?
Michael: Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why?
Jan: Michael, now is not the time or the place.
Michael: Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place?
Jan: No, I am saying we are never having this conversation.
Michael: Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance?
Jan: Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.'
Michael: I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?
Jan: Michael, it has nothing-
Michael: Am I too short?
Jan: With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate.
Michael: Really?
Jan: Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok?
Michael: I appreciate that, thank you.
Jan: And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-
Michael: No, I wasn't, I didn't cry-
Jan: At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok?
Michael: So my looks have nothing to do with it?
Jan: Ohhh, God.
Michael: Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I'm good. I can go home now.
Michael: Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight?
Jim: Ummm... no idea.
Michael: Never missed a day, my ass.
Pam: [Jim bows to Pam; she bows back] Thank you.
Dwight: [running through parking lot] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok!
Michael: Oscar, I'm ready for you.
Oscar: Today is performance-review day, company-wide, and I'm a little concerned about my review. I exceeded my sick days and my personal days because I just couldn't take it. And I don't have a good answer for him, when he asks me.
Michael: So...
Oscar: Michael, I don't know what to say.
Michael: Um, you're in accounting...
Oscar: Yes, I'm in accounting and I'm sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit.
Michael: So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more.
Oscar: Yes.
Dwight: You know what this is?
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: No, you don't.
Jim: Then why the question?
Dwight: This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. 'Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight.'
Jim: I have one, too. Jim. Jim, Is Jim. My name is Jim.
Dwight: That's a total waste of your 'M.'
Jim: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jim: You have a better idea?
Dwight: Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good.
Jim: I'll use that.
Jan: I am not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business.
Michael: All right.
Jan: Period.
Michael: Yup.
Jan: Do we understand each other?
Michael: Absolutely.
Michael: I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period.' Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask?
Jim: So, that's... It's great.
Michael: Yes, it is.
Jim: Yeah. You have fun?
Michael: Yes, I did.
Jim: Did you go to first base?
Michael: Hell, yeah.
Jim: Oh, yeah?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Did you go to second?
Michael: What?
Jim: Second.
Michael: Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but...
Jim: Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly?
Michael: Um, yup, wait, yes.
Jim: Pop-up?
Michael: No, there... Later there was.
Jim: Really?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I'm saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn't he?
Michael: I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing.
Jim: Office romances. Um... [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam 'cause she's in an office romance, technically.
Michael: Let's just push on, shall we?
Dwight: Pushing on.
Michael: It's next. Just keep it. 'Look on the supply shelf.' What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you?
Ryan: Yeah. It's another note.
Michael: Okay, yeah.
Ryan: Look on the windshield.'
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Does it specify which windshield?
Ryan: I'll check them all.
Dwight: This ought to be good.
Jim: Which one?
Dwight: Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata.
Pam: He sees it.
Dwight: What does it say?
Jim: He can't hear you?
Michael: Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this?
Dwight: [clapping] Come on. Let's get back to this.
Michael: All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley?
Stanley: I'm back.
Michael: Christ Almighty.
Ryan: Look under the sink in the men's room.'
Michael: All right, next suggestion.
Dwight: Next suggestion.
Michael: Don't...' Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just...
Dwight: Don't sleep with your boss.' Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
Jan: Okay, let me make something clear. As embarrassing as this is, I feel that it needs to be said. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on with Michael and myself.
Michael: Well...
Jan: The other night, I gave him a polite congratulatory kiss because he just closed the biggest deal of his career. And that's it. If anything else has been implied, Dwight, or inferred, Michael, Creed, it's just not true, okay? It's not true. So... Is everyone straight on that?
Michael: Crystal.
Dwight: There's one more suggestion.
Michael: How pleasant. You can...
Dwight: Way to go man, Jan's really hot.'
Michael: Okay, I think we're good.
Pam: Oh, my God. When Dwight said no one wants to come in on a Saturday...
Jim: I know.
Pam: I almost lost it. That was too good.
Jim: Well, that is because that is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, my God. I left today's paper on my desk.
Pam: You mean yesterday's paper.
Jim: What? Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Wow. You are very good at what you do.
Pam: Thank you.
Dwight: Hey, temp.
Ryan: Hey.
Dwight: Look, we're twins.
Ryan: Cool.
Dwight: Bet you I got mine for less than yours.
Ryan: I bet you did.
Dwight: Getting a little something that calm the nerves?
Ryan: What nerves?
Dwight: For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp.
Ryan: Actually, I had mine already.
Dwight: You're lying.
Ryan: Why would I lie about a performance review?
Dwight: Why would Michael give you one before me?
Ryan: I think because my name is before yours in alphabetical order. [coins dropping]
Dwight: How did it go?
Ryan: Fine. He actually gave me a small raise, which I did not ask for. [hits vending machine] It's stuck. [Dwight begins throwing his entire body into the vending machine] It's cool, it fell.
Dwight: [Wild Side playing] You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready. [groans]
Michael: Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband.
Michael: Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get?
Michael: Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did.
Michael: Never...
Jan: Never for me always means never, ever, ever.
Michael: Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding.
Jan: What?
Michael: Nothing, I just...
Jan: What did you say, Michael?
Michael: Nothing.
Jan: Did you call my ex?
Michael: No, I did not.
Jan: Gould, you said, Gould.
Michael: Maybe I did. Maybe I called him, I don't know.
Jan: How dare you, Michael? My personal life is off-limits to you.
Michael: I...
Jan: Okay, how dare you do that?
Michael: I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me.
Jan: Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you?
Michael: Ex-husband, you have to let it go.
Jan: I mean...
Ryan: Look under the suggestion box.' 'I can't believe I kept this up all day.' Signed, me.
Michael: What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot.


Michael: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Jim: Are we in danger?
Michael: There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. [knock at the front door]
Kevin: Michael, should I call the... [Michael waves his hands] What?
Michael: The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
Michael: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected...
Sadiq (IT guy): That just means you have to enter your password.
Michael: Oh...
Sadiq (IT guy): What's your password, Michael?
Michael: Oh, umm... [looks at Post-It on computer]
Sadiq (IT guy): Oh, it's 1-2-3.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Mi-
Michael: AH! Guh-oood.
Dwight: Sorry.
Michael: Please don't do that.
Dwight: Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?
Michael: I can't tell you.
Dwight: You have to tell me.
Michael: I don't have to tell you anything.
Dwight: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Michael: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr! That's strong!
Dwight: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Michael: I'm not going get a brain-
Dwight: Or get hit by a car-
Michael: Stop it.
Dwight: Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.
Michael: Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?
Michael: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.
Michael: So how do you search?
Sadiq (IT guy): By keyword phrase.
Michael: Try 'profits'. No! Try 'Michael Scott'. 'Michael' 'boss' and 'funny'. [Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up] Oh my God, wow! [chuckles] E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. [reads e-mail] 'Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.' Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.
Oscar: Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?
Michael: Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? [robot voice] I will destroy everything in my path-
Oscar: Actually, it's just-
Michael: Beep! Bop!
Oscar: Ok...
Michael: Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. [Tin Man voice] Oil can. Oil can.
Oscar: Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Michael: Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.
Dwight: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Michael: You know what the problem is?
Stanley: I think I do.
Michael: The problem is that when people hear the term 'big brother', they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.
Kevin: I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.
Dwight: Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.
Angela: I know.
Dwight: Good. [Pam overhears]
Pam: [whispers to Jim] Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
Jim: What?
Pam: I know!
Jim: Hmm...
Pam: Do you think that they're like-
Jim: No.
Pam: No, right, no, no.
Jim: [humming]
Pam: Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?
Pam: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... [to camera guys] If you guys see anything... ?
Pam: Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with.
Dwight: Nice.
Pam: One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Dwight: Does he have access to their medical records?
Pam: Ummmm...
Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.
Michael: Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .[scrolls down list] No.
Pam: Hey, Angela-
Angela: Hi.
Pam: How's it going?
Angela: It's ok.
Pam: Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?
Angela: No. Are we supposed to?
Pam: No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so.
Angela: Hmm... [Pam reaches towards vending machine] Excuse me.
Pam: Oh.
Michael: There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
Kevin: That's pretty young.
Pam: Yeah.
Kevin: [to Michael] Are you gonna eat with us?
Michael: Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.
Jim: Uh hum.
Michael: Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.
Pam: The professors would go to the parties?
Michael: Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.
Jim: It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.
Pam: [to cameraman] What? [looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth] Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!
Dwight: Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-
Jim: Oh, uh, no. Could-
Dwight: I was wondering-
Jim: Could, keep that down.
Dwight: Why?
Jim: Because not everybody knows about the party.
Dwight: Like who? Who doesn't know?
Jim: Umm, Michael.
Dwight: Why just Michael?
Jim: Because it's a surprise.
Dwight: Is it?
Jim: Uh hmm.
Dwight: Oh, that's perfect!
Jim: So, don't tell.
Dwight: I won't.
Jim: Ok.
Jim: So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.
Pam: Really? That's great.
Jim: I know.
Pam: Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.
Jim: [laughs] Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or...
Pam: Oh, no, he can't make it.
Jim: Oh, ok, cool.
Michael: Hey there.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Almost quittin' time.
Jim: Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock.
Michael: One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out.
Jim: Oh, um... .I can't.
Michael: You have plans.
Jim: Uh hmm, definitely.
Michael: I do, too. I do, too.
Jim: You do?
Michael: I do, yeah. Big plans.
Jim: Because you said 'do you wanna hang out'-
Michael: Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-
Jim: Really?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun.
Michael: It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.
Jim: Improv sounds great.
Michael: It is. Ok.
Jim: Alright.
Michael: [someone coughs] What?
Jim: I think Stanley just coughed.
Michael: Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?
Pam: No thanks.
Michael: Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with-
Oscar: I'm on a call.
Michael: Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?
Kevin: My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-
Michael: Ok, alright.
Kevin: Oh.
Michael: Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to?
Angela: I'm just leaving for the day.
Michael: Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed?
Angela: Charity. Bake drive.
Michael: Liar!
Angela: No!
Michael: You are a liar.
Angela: No, I'm not.
Michael: Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy.
Dwight: Battlestar Galatica.
Michael: That's, whatever stupid show you want-
Dwight: I can't-
Michael: To watch tonight
Dwight: Tonight.
Michael: We're watching it.
Dwight: Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice.
Michael: I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.
Dwight: Clarinet.
Michael: You, too, Dwight?
Dwight: Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. [to the camera] He has no idea!
Jim: Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy.
Dwight: Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock?
Mark: Hey, you must be Dwight!
Dwight: You don't work with us.
Jim: That's because Mark's my roommate.
Mark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.
Dwight: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here.
Jim: Uh hmm.
Dwight: When is the guest of honor coming?
Jim: Oh, uh, later-ish.
Dwight: He's gonna love it!
Jim: Great. [to a group of guests] Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.
Pam: Definitely.
Jim: Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.
Ryan: Hey, is Katy coming?
Jim: Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while.
Ryan: Huh, is it ok if I call her?
Jim: We can talk about that later.
Improv Teacher: Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene.
Michael: [In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter'] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air.
Improv Teacher: Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth.
Mary-Beth: Great. [skips] La la la la la laaa...
Michael: [fake kicks in door] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI.
Michael: Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. [gasps] That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't.
Girl acting Pregnant: I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Michael: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! [shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor] Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. [another actor steps in] Boom! Boom! Boom!
Actor: I'm not even in the scene!
Actress: Again!?
Michael: Boom! Boom!
Improv Teacher: Stop, stop, ok, stop.
Michael: Boom! Boom!
Improv Teacher: You shot me, great. Now stop.
Michael: Why
Improv Teacher: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Michael: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going.
Improv Teacher: Ok, what about the scene they set up?
Michael: Boring.
Improv Teacher: No, it wasn't. No more guns.
Michael: I could of-
Improv Teacher: No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have.
Michael: Ok.
Improv Teacher: Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great.
Michael: Yehhhehh.
Improv Teacher: Yeeehh, ok.
Pam: Jim's bedroom.
Jim: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's-
Pam: Cool... This is your desk.
Jim: This is my desk.
Pam: Your home office?
Jim: My home office, this is it.
Pam: Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.
Jim: Ok, sure. Will do.
Pam: Ok, wait, so that would make me [walks to side of room] like right here.
Jim: Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right.
Pam: And Dwight would be like-
Jim: You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.
Pam: Umm, [gasps] yearbook!
Jim: Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all.
Pam: [finds Jim's picture] Ooooohhh no!
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: You were so dorky!
Jim: Thank you.
Improv Teacher: Freeze!
Michael: I'm in.
Improv Teacher: You wanna go over the rules one more time?
Michael: No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael: What are you... [whispers to Bill]
Improv Teacher: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael: Nothing.
Improv Teacher: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
Improv Teacher: Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill.
Michael: Good, it's good. Good work, everybody.
Jim: Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun?
Angela: I got sap on me.
Jim: Chicken, hot dog, burger.
Angela: I'm a vegetarian.
Jim: There is soda inside.
Angela: Guh.
Stanley: I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did.
Oscar: Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they-
Kelly: I'm sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about.
Angela: I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. [Pam overhears]
Pam: Hey Phyllis, come here for a second.
Phyllis: Sure.
Pam: Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?
Phyllis: You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry!
Pam: That's ok. It's ok.
Kevin: [smacks Ryan's hand] Not so fast... Fire Guy.
Mary-Beth: How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here?
Bill: Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool.
Michael: So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? [to camera] Go to Bernie's?
Bill: Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.
Michael: Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it.
Bill: Ok.
Michael: Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not.
Phyllis: [singing] Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known...
Jim: Oh by the way how's your side project going?
Pam: Oh, yeah I gave that up.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws.
Pam: Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on.
Kevin: [singing] Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
Dwight: Surprise! [laughs] Everybody!
Phyllis: Dwight...
Michael: Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. [to Jim] There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! [sees Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine?
Michael: Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. [singing] Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind-
Michael and Jim: [singing] It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh.
Michael: We're making love!
Michael and Jim: [singing] Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me...
Michael: Talk! Just talk!
Mary-Beth: I am-
Michael: Shut up!
Michael: Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says 'Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.' [giggles] And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.
Angela: [Oscar shakes his leg] You're going to have to stop that. [Oscar moves over] I can still feel it.
Sadiq (IT guy): Do you have a question or something?
Michael: Um...
Sadiq (IT guy): About my turban, maybe?
Michael: Nope, nope. I actually wear a turban sometimes. Wanna see it?
Sadiq (IT guy): Yeah.
Michael: Got it right here. [pulls out Karnak turban]
Sadiq (IT guy): Why do you have that?
Michael: Comedy; it's funny. It's Johnny Carson, Karnak. It's, um, put it back. Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land?
Sadiq (IT guy): In Pittsburgh? Yeah, but I never really watched him.
Michael: Oh. You were forbidden.
Sadiq (IT guy): No, I'm much younger than you. I watched Conan.
Michael: Alright, I'm gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee. Do you want some coffee er-
Sadiq (IT guy): No.
Michael: Or some tea or hummus or something?
Sadiq (IT guy): No, thank you.
Phyllis: Oh, this isn't good.
Stanley: It's fine.
Phyllis: You don't even know what I'm talking about.
Michael: Should have done this a long time ago. Tons of personal e-mails, huge time wasters. Uh, uh huh. Wow, like Kevin, rating the best bars in Scranton? Poor Richard's number seven? Idiot. Stupid load. [phone rings] Yeah.
Pam: Hey, Michael, accounting needs your approval on-
Michael: Yeah, I'm busy right now. [hangs up]
Michael: Here's a helpful suggestion for Jim. Jim, instead of e-mailing Amazon, to try and get that CD that you didn't receive, I suggest that you go to Visa and tell them to cancel the charge.
Jim: Yeah, definitely didn't need help with that, but, yeah.
Michael: It's seems like ya did though-
Jim: Oh?
Michael: Jim. Lots of e-mails to Amazon, lots of wasted computer space. Alright, let's get back to work.
Toby: Yeah, I assumed Michael was already doing this. That's why I only use my personal e-mail account.
Michael: [moves chair to Jim and Dwight's desks] Ooo, bleh bleh bleh.
Dwight: Where's your tie?
Michael: I don't know. Just felt like taking it off. Man, work can be just so damn frustrating don't ya think, Jim?
Jim: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Dwight: What's going on, Michael. Talk to me.
Michael: I don't know, same old stuff. Same old. Boss just been ridin' my ass.
Dwight: Oh no! Jan!? What's goin' on?
Michael: I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys.
Dwight: The most important one of the guys.
Michael: That's not the point.
Dwight: That's exactly the point. You've hit a slump. It happens to the best of us. You just have to remember, you know-
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: Where you come from, and who you are.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: You know, you have worked so hard for this. You are the boss; you can buy and sell us with just a snap of your little finger.
Michael: Ok yes, I would never do that.
Jim: Yeah, no one can snap with their little finger.
Michael: Ha.
Dwight: Jim, this is hardly the time.
Michael: No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time. This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it's what it's all about, just hangin' out. Enjoying friends, all being the same. Worker bees.
Dwight: And their king bee.
Michael: No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around.
Dwight: Master bee.
Michael: I'm not a master bee.
Dwight: Queen bee.
Michael: I'm just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin'.
Pam: Hi!
Roy: Hey babe. Hey, how are you!?
Pam: Good.
Roy: You look good.
Pam: Thank you.
Roy: Hey, um, I was wondering if it'd be ok if I go to Lonny's poker game tonight. I promise, it'll be like the last time for a while.
Pam: We were supposed to go to the barbeque at Jim's house.
Roy: Oh, man. Um, could you go without me? Make something up, say I like, ate something, or...
Pam: Uhh...
Roy: Huh, huh? You're the best. You're the best!
Pam: I might be late.
Roy: Ok, don't wake me up cause I'm playing ball in the morning.
Pam: Ok.
Roy: Alright, bye. [Pam looks around the office]
Pam: [to the cameraman] Did I miss anything?
Michael: Five o'clock. Time to go get my improv on. [drinks] Little bit of the comedy juice. Mmm. Alright, see if you can guess what this is. [roars and flails his arms] That is a dinosaur getting ready to go to improv class. Just a taste of the improv.
Michael: I need to know... who shot Johnson!
Mary-Beth: Uh, President Johnson. Um-
Michael: Shut up!
Mary-Beth: Ok.
Michael: I have a right mind to shoot you right in the head.
Mary-Beth: I, I killed him. You're right! It was me!
Michael: Just shut up! I don't wanna hear anything more from you.
Improv Teacher: No, listen to what she's saying.
Mary-Beth: Alright, I'll be quiet if we can make some kind of deal. A deal?
Michael: Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! No deal. Not with Michael Scarn, FBI. Michael Scarn doesn't make deals. Michael Scarn shoots and then asks questions later. [blows on his fake gun]
Improv Teacher: Good, good.
Michael: She was kind of tripping me up, cause she was, um, I was trying to get something going, when I was over her with the gun, and she like kept changing the story.
Mary-Beth: I don't think... he was saying-
Michael: Well, you kept-
Mary-Beth: He kept saying 'shut up'-
Michael: Going into nuclear something; that's not where the scene was going.
Mary-Beth: I-
Bill: It goes wherever.
Michael: Well, it goes, it goes in the best direction, and that was not the best direction.
Mary-Beth: I felt like he was ordering me around, cause he-
Michael: Well, he, Michael Scarn, that character, orders people around, and that's, you should of just gone-
Improv Teacher: All your characters order people around though, and-
Michael: Well...
Improv Teacher: There's stronger choices.
Michael: I don't think there's any stronger choice than being a really strong character.
Mary-Beth: We've seen you do that character before though. I mean, you know, that's cool.
Michael: Well, it's, like, well, it's, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence, that's...
Mary-Beth: Like Jim Carrey or something.
Michael: Exactly, thank you.
Mary-Beth: Right, well I wasn't saying that-
Michael: I appreciate that.
Mary-Beth: Nah, I know, I just meant that... he shot me, I just-
Michael: Or Ryan Stiles, something like that.
Mary-Beth: Yeah, ya know maybe, he made me get on the ground, and I didn't feel safe in this game.
Michael: You shouldn't have been, 'cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn. That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that's a compliment.
Improv Teacher: You succeeded.
Michael: Good work.
Mary-Beth: Yeah.
Jim: And in this room here, if you look closely, you will find out a few clues about who lives here. Um, he likes biking, obviously, and uh, what else? Uh, he likes tour guides, I guess. And if you're very perceptive, you'll notice that he didn't do a great job of cleaning his room [kicks water bottle under bed]. Ok, and uh, that's the tou-
Ryan: And he's really into penguins or something?
Jim: Um, thank you, Ryan, uh, I don't know, I think I made the mistake one day of telling someone that I like penguins, and here we are.
Phyllis: Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you a penguin.
Jim: And that's why it's on my desk, Phyllis; it means a lot to me, and now that I know it was from you, it means even more. Moving on! Uh, ok, so that's the end of the tour for now, and if you liked it please tell your friends: 'Whenever you're in Scranton, visit Casa de la Halpert'.
Improv Teacher: Ok, for the next exercise, let's everyone pair up.[everyone picks a partner] And everyone got somebody? Ok, good. [Michael is partner-less] Uh, ok, uh, why don't you go out in the hallway and go through all the rules in your head. Ok, you take a break and sort of run through the rules in your head. Ok, stay there.
Michael: I'll just throw out some suggestions.
Improv Teacher: Ok, you guys wanna start? [to Michael] Don't throw out any-
Michael: They're in a whorehouse.
Improv Teacher: Suggestions.
Michael: And he's a proctologist. [to teacher] What?
Improv Teacher: We don't need a suggestion for this one; it's gonna come from them. [to other students] It's a game called 'Yes, and?' and uh, you will say the first sentence. And uh, you're telling a story-
Michael: First sentence is: 'I'm a proctologist'.
Improv Teacher: We're not gonna get a suggestion for this one, it's gonna come from them. [to students] Ok, you're gonna say the first sentence and then she will say yes to that and then she'll add something to the story, like you're telling a story. [looks at Michael and then students] Oh yeah, what was he doing? Ok, why don't you take a break? Since you don't have a partner.
Michael: Alright, I'm ready here.
Improv Teacher: Ok.
Kevin: Why don't you turn it up? [Ryan moves to turn up the grill] Uh! Not so fast... Fire Guy. Think we need some more heat, Fire Guy? Hey, Fire Guy, maybe we should burn Jim's house down.
Ryan: That's really funny.
Kevin: Hey, Kelly; I called him Fire Guy.
Kelly: Good one, Kev.
Kevin: Yeah... hey Stanley-
Ryan: He called me Fire Guy.
Stanley: Oh, good one. [laughs]
Kevin: It never gets old.
Ryan: Never gets old.


Dwight: Go. Get the door.
Michael: Here we are.
Dwight: Go. Push!
Michael: Oh god.
Dwight: Push!
Michael: No, no, turn it around.
Dwight: Really shove it.
Michael: You'll break it.
Dwight: Shove it through! Break it!
Michael: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight.
Michael: All right.
Dwight: I got a splinter.
Michael: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh?
Dwight: I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.
Michael: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three.
Dwight: One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.]
Michael: Merry Christmas!
Michael: Did it work?
Kevin: [holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?
Michael: A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.
Kevin: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?
Michael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.
Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. [holds up a miniature pencil] This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.
Angela: Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights?
Phyllis: Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones?
Angela: We'll see.
Ryan: Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive.
Michael: [comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting?
Angela: Fifty.
Michael: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.
Michael: It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.
Michael: I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive.
Pam: You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party.
Michael: Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.
Kevin & Oscar: One, two, three. [they lift and start to move a desk]
Dwight: You guys should use a hand truck.
Kevin: Do we have one?
Dwight: No.
Angela: [having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by] Will you help me?
Michael: No! No way! It... no.
Darryl: Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours.
Michael: You wanna be Santa?
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael: Have you ever seen Santa?
Darryl: Yeah, I've seen Santa.
Michael: Okay.
Darryl: Who cares?
Michael: Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work.
Dwight: Michael, I would like to be the elf.
Michael: That makes sense because he has elfish features.
Dwight: [now wearing an elf hat and ears] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael.
Toby: I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that.
Oscar: I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain.
Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't [smiles happily].
Michael: You get something good this year?
Jim: I think I did a pretty good job.
Michael: Yeah? Who did you have?
Jim: Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret.
Michael: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
Jim: Yeah?
Michael: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.
Jim: Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ?
Michael: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.
Jim: That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can ..
Michael: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.
Dwight: Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons.
Stanley: I know how to plug something in.
Dwight: I want to do it.
Michael: All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready?
All: Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree]
Michael: Not great.
Phyllis: I'm sorry, everybody.
Pam: I think the tree looks nice.
Dwight: Hey, I could get some flares from my car.
Michael: No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa.
Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, 'Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.'
Dwight: First present, Oscar.
Oscar: [rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat.
Kelly: Oh, good, that was from me.
Oscar: Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of ..
Dwight: Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim.
Jim: Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag]
Creed: That's from me.
Jim: Great. Where did you get it?
Creed: I don't know. It was so long ago.
Jim: He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number [holds up way-too-short sleeves] and then threw it in a bag.
Creed: Yep. That's exactly what happened.
Dwight: Pam.
Pam: [opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome.
Jim: There's a little more to it.
Dwight: All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present]
Michael: No, don't!
Ryan: [unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod.
Michael: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.
Ryan: Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks.
Michael: You don't know that.
Ryan: Yeah, you left the price tag on.
Michael: I did?
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on.
Phyllis: I knitted it for you.
Michael: An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out]
Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying, 'Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth.' I gave Ryan an iPod.
Kevin: Should we just keep opening up the presents?
Dwight: We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.
Michael: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
Jim: What is Yankee Swap?
Michael: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift.
Jim: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Pam: Yeah, we call it White Elephant.
Michael: Well, I call it fun!
Oscar: Why are we doing this?
Michael: Because it's better. Because it's more special.
Angela: It sounds mean.
Michael: Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot.
Angela: Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry]
Michael: Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt.
Meredith: I'll take the teapot.
Jim: Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam.
Michael: Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.
Pam: I'll take the iPod.
Ryan: And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice?
Dwight: Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift.
Stanley: [after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly'] That was meant for Kelly.
Ryan: Yeah, I figured.
Michael: I think this is going great.
Kelly: [unwrapping the poster] Yikes.
Toby: Well, it's for Angela, so ..
Kelly: That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.
Dwight: Angela, you're up.
Angela: I'll take the poster. Some people like these.
Kelly: I will steal the iPod.
Michael: Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.
Michael: Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn.
Oscar: I'll take the ... teapot.
Meredith: Damn it.
Dwight: Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go.
Meredith: I really want the iPod.
Dwight: It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else.
Michael: [holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Meredith: I'll take the oven mitt.
Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.
Michael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.
Michael: [opens present] 'In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute.'
Dwight: You and me, Michael. Yes!
Michael: Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?
Dwight: I never said it was better than an iPod.
Dwight: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand.
Dwight: [shooting paintball gun at target] Take that, Saddam!
Michael: Last gift. Kevin.
Kevin: I want the foot bath.
Kevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. [pauses] Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot.
Dwight: Pam, steal something or pick the final gift.
Pam: I want the iPod.
Kelly: Damn it.
Jim: Sure you don't want the teapot?
Pam: Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But ..
Jim: Right.
Pam: Sorry, I ..
Jim: No. No. Definitely. It's ..
Kelly: Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories.
Dwight: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.
Jim: Got to be kidding me.
Dwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas.
Michael: [after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about?
Pam: Maybe because you hated her present so much.
Michael: Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets.
Jim: Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people.
Stanley: And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else.
Michael: Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!
Oscar: You got a bonus check?
Pam: How much?
Michael: It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000.
Stanley: All right, I'm done now.
Michael: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
Liquor Store Clerk: It comes to $166.41.
Michael: All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up.
Jim: I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it?
Dwight: No trades.
Jim: Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck.
Dwight: A real man makes his own luck.' Billy Zane.
Jim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?
Dwight: No. I want it. I'm going to use it.
Jim: You don't even drink tea.
Dwight: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems ..
JIm: Okay ..
Dwight: .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates]
Jim: To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle.
Roy: This is awesome.
Pam: I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out.
Roy: Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money.
Pam: So what are you going to get me instead?
Roy: I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something.
Michael: Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.
Angela: What is that?
Michael: This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.
Meredith: We can drink?
Toby: We're really not supposed to serve alcohol.
Michael: Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?
Meredith: Me. Please.
Michael: Go, here we go!
Meredith: The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week.
Phyllis: Hi guys.
Ryan: Hey.
Phyllis: Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?
Roy: I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man.
Darryl: Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done.
Roy: It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man.
Darryl: I had to. I needed defense.
Roy: Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league.
Darryl: It's defense.
Roy: Oh, no. That is not worth it.
Darryl: It is worth it.
Roy: Never.
Darryl: Are you kidding? You wait.
Michael: Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how's it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin]
Ryan: We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some?
Angela: There should be some ..
Michael: No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party.
Phyllis, Meredith, Michael, Kevin: One, two, three. [do a shot]
Michael: Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee.
Ryan: Oh, no.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ryan: I really did not do anything.
Michael: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend.
Jim: You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know.
Pam: [laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot]
Jim: But ..
Pam: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so ..
Jim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside.
Pam: [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture!
Pam: Yeah, I think I made the right choice.
Pam: Oh, my God! It's incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer?
Jim: I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't.
Dwight: This is so awesome.
Michael: Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to.
Dwight: Thank you.
Michael: You're welcome.
Todd Packer: [grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe!
Michael: No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!
Todd Packer: [rapping] What's up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants]
Michael: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake.
Todd Packer: Pacman need a drinky.
Michael: Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up.
Kevin: [listening to music through headphones] Yeahhh.
Michael: Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it.
Darryl: That's okay, Mike.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it.
Darryl: All right. Thanks, man.
Michael: Hey, Merry Christmas.
Ryan: [looking at Xeroxed butt pictures] Whose butt is that?
Kevin: Mine.
Ryan: Oh, how did I not guess that?
Michael: [coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It's happening!
Creed: [as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer] Oh, no.
Kelly: Hey.
Dwight: Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing?
Kelly: I don't know.
Dwight: You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.
Kevin: Thanks for the party, Michael.
Meredith: Yeah.
Bob Vance: Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in?
Oscar: I'm in.
Dwight: Yes.
Oscar: Michael? Poor Richard's?
Michael: Yeah, that sounds good.
Michael: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.
Michael: Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's?
Meredith: Yep.
Michael: Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat?
Meredith: Yeah.
Michael: Okay!
Oscar: Towards me.
Creed: Okay.
Oscar: Towards me. That's good, towards me. Towards me. Towards me, towards me. Okay, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good.
Creed: Okay, okay. [gasping]
Oscar: Creed.
Michael: Remember on that animated special when they taught the uh, the monster to put the star on top? That's Dwight. Dwight's the monster that we taught to put the star on top of the tree. You take his teeth out, and he could put the star on top of the tree.
Pam: Do you want me to help you with that?
Phyllis: Yeah.
Michael: Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela's kind of... Angela's little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper.
Dwight: Okay. Christmas lights? Good. Tinsel? Good. Star? Good.
Michael: Dwight is... Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason.
Dwight: Question, Pam. Is Roy coming to the party?
Pam: Yes.
Dwight: Okay, well, you didn't tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list.
Pam: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Do I look like I'm kidding? [Pam shakes her head 'no'] Phyllis, stag, I assume.
Phyllis: I'm bringing someone.
Dwight: Really?
Phyllis: I invited someone to the party. Bob Vance. He works at Vance Refrigeration next door. That's how we met. [whispers] He's my boyfriend.
Dwight: Everyone, please remain calm until we receive further instructions.
Pam: Just let us open up the presents, Dwight.
Dwight: Absolutely... not.
Dwight: What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way.
Oscar: Man, I really wanted that. I really wanted the shower radio, too.
Michael: Well, thank God you didn't steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn.
Oscar: I'll take the tea pot.
Meredith: Damn it.
Kelly: So, I guess, you really didn't want the shower radio that bad. No, I just like tea.
Oscar: No, I just like tea.
Kelly: I don't know why Oscar didn't like the gift. I know he wanted a shower radio. I mean, I totally remember him telling me that he wanted one.
Oscar: Kelly had me last year, too, and she gave me the same exact thing. I only have one shower.
Michael: Oscar, paint ball pellets.
Oscar: I guess I'll take the last gift. Cool.
Pam: It was supposed to be for Meredith, 'cause she said she likes my drawings.
Meredith: Thanks. I wish I could've had it. Do you wanna trade?
Michael: Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party]
Toby: So, hey, you wanna trade?
Kelly: Yes, totally, 'cause I was just gonna throw this out anyway.
Toby: Really? You were gonna throw out a book?
Kelly: Mmm-hmm.
Kevin: [Rap music playing] [singing] The time is now, the place is here And the whole wide world is filled with cheer My name's DMC with the mike in my hand And I'm chilling and cooling just like a snow man
Darryl: Yeah.
Kevin: [singing] So open eyes Lend us an ear We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year [Darryl whooping] Yeah.
Kevin: I'm the DJ because I really know how to heat up a party.
Dwight: I do enjoy a drink now and again, but tonight, no. I am also an officer of the law and I'm unofficially on the clock. I need to stay sober and alert. Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink.
Ryan: I actually got that for you. I had you originally.
Toby: Oh, cool. It looks really interesting. What did you end up with? [Ryan pulls Creed's old coat out of a bag] Sorry.
Ryan: I didn't want anything else, so I figured at least I could give it to a homeless guy.
Toby: Christmas.
Ryan: Yeah, Christmas.
Oscar: What did you end up with?
Creed: Your shower radio.
Oscar: You like music at least?
Creed: I love it. I actually used to have a radio show back in the '70s.
Oscar: You're kidding. What was your DJ name?
Creed: Whacky-weed Creed.
Oscar: Turns out that Creed is a pretty interesting guy.
Angela: You behaved very badly tonight.
Kelly: Sorry?
Michael: See, that's what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, 'Man, I wish I got that.' I mean, that's just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don't know, it's just... I don't know, just makes you kind of feel good.