Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them. [all laugh]
Andy: This is awesome!
Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga, [Kevin arrives behind the group] a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that. [all continue laughing]
Phyllis: Say 'Me eat cookie.'
Kevin: No. I won't say it.
Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I love that show.
Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan: Good work, buddy.
Oscar: Thank you.
Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar: Yes.
Kelly: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan: C.C. me
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day.
Andy: It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. [Andy unfurling a giant 'Happy Secretary's Day' banner by reception, placing a teddy bear on Erin's chair]. Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.
Meredith: Here you go.
Erin: Oh, thank you.
Andy: I do.
Dwight: [hands Erin a basket of beets]
Erin: Thank you.
Andy: If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.
Erin: [as Halperts arrive] Welcome back!
Pam: Hey, thanks.
Pam: It's my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?... It rocked. It rocked my ass off.
Pam: [at her desk, grabs her plant and sees it dried up, looks at Jim] Oh. You couldn't have watered it?
Jim: I literally did not know that existed until this moment.
Dwight: Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.
Pam: It's nice to see you again, Dwight.
Dwight.: Hello, Pam.
Andy: [arrives at Michael's office and sits] I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day.
Michael: I'm going to give Erin $15.
Erin: I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch.
Michael: A one-on-one lunch with Erin?
Andy: Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. [Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear's arm at Michael].
Michael: She's kind of a rube.
Andy: [slams his hand on Michael's desk] That's my girlfriend you're talking about.
Michael: Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'll take her to lunch.
Andy: [taping desk] She's gonna be so psyched.
Michael: [walks over to Erin's desk] Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day.
Erin: Well, happy Boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss.
Michael: I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...[Erin snaps a picture of Michael] lunch.
Erin: I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's.
Michael: Ugh.
Erin: Just the two of us.
Michael: Well, Hayworth's is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I'm...
Erin: Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth's, but...
Michael: Okay, well, we'll figure something. [Michael turns and starts back toward his office]
Erin: Oh.
Michael: [looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around] Okay, let's go to Hayworth's.
Erin: [cheerfully] Okay.
Michael: All right.
Meredith: [sitting at kitchen table with Darryl] Have a cookie, Kev.
Kevin: Yeah, haha. Tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.
Darryl: I brought those in. It's my birthday. That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.
Kevin: Man, Darryl, I'm sorry. [pats Darryl's back] Happy Birthday.
Darryl: Thank you. [Kevin grabs cookie and starts eating it]
Darryl: [as Cookie Monster] Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum.
Kevin: They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.
Kevin: [again on laptop as Cookie Monster as he shows Gabe the video] Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...
Gabe: This is violent and offensive.
Kevin: Thank you. [computer continues] It really makes me self-conscious about my voice.
Gabe: It's awful. [reaches for tissue box, hands it to Kevin]
Kevin: I'm not crying.
Gabe: You have some food on your face.
Kevin: [on computer as Cookie Monster] Do my hands feel sweaty to you? [Kevin grabs a tissue and wipes his mouth]
Gabe: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure.
Gabe: Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or e-mail this around.
Kevin: Yeah.
Gabe: And that's straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all. Ciao.
Michael: [in his car with Erin driving to lunch] Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire.
Erin: I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?
Michael: [shakes head, annoyed] I don't know.
Erin: I would have chosen the 1490's.
Michael: Ahhh.
Erin: Cause America was discovered.
Michael: Right. [sighs]
Erin: [at lunch] And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don't know, I couldn't keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. [Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed]. So it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month?
Michael: An age or month?
Erin: Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven.
Michael: I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.
Erin: How many pillows do you sleep on at night?
Michael: So how are things going with Andy?
Erin: He's the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him.
Michael: Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo.
Erin: Yeah I love that.
Michael: Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.
Erin: What?
Michael: I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.
Erin: Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela?
Michael: Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh.
Hayworth's waiter: Here we go. Hot plate.
Michael: Okay.
Hayworth's waiter: And your salad, miss.
Erin: Why wouldn't he tell me that?
Michael: I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else.
Erin: They had sex?
Michael: They were engaged, so... [Erin looks shocked] Okay, you know what, sir?
Hayworth's waiter: Yes?
Michael: Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles?
Hayworth's waiter: Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles.
Michael: Thank you.
Erin: Uhhhh, they were engaged?
Michael: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Erin: [face looks disgusted, moves around uncomfortably] Uh-oh...
Michael: Well...
Erin: [moans, pulls hair over her face]
Michael: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Erin: In the Foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming]
Michael: Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now.
Erin: [breathes heavily, groans]
Michael: [turns to other restaurant patrons] I'll have what she's having!
Michael: [in Michael's car] Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch.
Pam: [feels a pain in her breast] Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha.
Jim: What's up?
Dwight: Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.
Jim: Dwight, don't be gross.
Pam: No, no, he's right.
Dwight: Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.
Pam: That's weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump?
Dwight: [removes jacket, applies hand sanitizer] All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me.
Pam: You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?
Dwight: Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.
Pam: Mm. [walks into bathroom, Meredith is using her brest pump] Meredith!
Meredith: I just like the way it feels.
Pam: What are you doing?!
Meredith: Just relax. Okay.
Pam: Relax?!
Meredith: This is like the Cadillac of pumps.
Pam: Give it back to me now.
Meredith: Okay, I was just warming it up.
Pam: It's disgusting!
Meredith: It's not a big deal.
Pam: It's not sterile!
Meredith: We're both girls. Who cares?
Andy: So... how was lunch?
Erin: Lunch was fine.
Andy: Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?
Erin: I don't know. It was lunch, Andy.
Andy: Well, I know. [stammers] Just want... I mean... [chuckles]
Oscar: Erin? I think we're out of fax cover sheets.
Erin: God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy.
Kelly: [using a Cookie Monster voice] 'My name is Kevin, I'm an accountant.' See I did the voice.
Ryan: That's a little derivative.
Kelly: But parody is always derivative.
Ryan: Uh, it's not organic. Do you know what I mean?
Pam: Jim does a really good one. Do yours.
Jim: Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. 'Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall.'
Gabe: Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV?
Jim: Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies.'
Gabe: Ok.
Andy: Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself.
Michael: You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so..
Andy: I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.
Michael: No. No. No.
Andy: Specific shout-out..
Michael: Stop talking.
Andy: Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote [starts to use a British accent] a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three..
Erin: [throws a piece of cake at Andy's face] I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me.
Michael: Oh God.
Andy: Can we talk about this in private?
Erin: I don't want to be in private. Is it true or is it not?
Andy: Yes.
Erin: Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?
Pam: No, no never.
Erin: Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know?
Dwight: Yeah pretty much.
Erin: Who are you?! I don't know you! [pushes someone away to leave]
Gabe: I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.
Kevin: Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would've told you.
Erin: Thanks.
Kevin: So if you need anything, I'm right over there.
Pam: [imitating Cookie Monster] 'Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful.'
Gabe: Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it. I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days.
Pam: What? What do you mean, suspend me?
Jim: I think you need to go a little easy. You can't just suspend someone form work.
Gabe: Yeah, you're right. You know what? Um, you're suspended too Jim. [Dwight starts to clap] Ok fine. You too Dwight.
Dwight: Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.
Gabe: I don't want to hear it. Suspended.
Kevin: C' is for suspension.
Andy: Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day?
Michael: Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like.. that's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap.
Andy: I was going to tell her, just on my own time.
Michael: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.
Andy: Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things.
Angela: Psst. Hey. Erin.
Erin: You want to talk to me, come to my desk.
Angela: You embarrassed me earlier.
Erin: Oh. Take it up with the chief of police.
Angela: You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it.
Erin: I want to throw up just thinking about it.
Angela: You are throwing up for the wrong reasons!
Toby: [standing behind Erin] I don't think this fax is going through. Is there a different... I can just put it through again, you know.
Pam: Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim.
Erin: Really?
Pam: Yeah. And he worked here too.
Erin: It was Andy, wasn't it?
Pam: No, no it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
Erin: I hope you find what you're looking for.
Pam: Thank you. [kisses Jim on the cheek]
Gabe: [talking on the phone] So I can reprimand them but I can't suspend them. Oh I can't do either. Uh huh. Fair enough.
Pam: [answers phone] Hey Toby.
Toby: I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in, but he can't dock your pay. That's not legal.
Pam: Very interesting.
Toby: Yeah, I also learned some interesting things about how they structure...
Pam: [Gabe walks in] Thanks Toby.
Gabe: Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I'm glad I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what's really important. [Pam hands Jim a note] It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension.
Pam: I don't think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension.
Jim: And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that.
Dwight: [gets up and walks towards Gabe] Prideful idiots. Watch how it's done. [Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave] Gabriel, I apologize.
Gabe: Great.
Dwight: [gets on one knee] I kneel before you.
Gabe: Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.
Dwight: Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.
Gabe: [following Jim and Pam to their car] Guys, to err is human. [trying to block their car]
Erin: Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?
Andy: Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.
Erin: How long were you guys together?
Andy: A year.
Erin: A year? You were together for a year?
Andy: Yeah but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else...
Erin: I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok?
Andy: I didn't see that movie.
Gabe: [walking back into the office] That was ugly. I'm sorry you had to see that.
Kelly: Do they still get paid?
Gabe: It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened.
Oscar: Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.
Meredith: Pathetic.
Gabe: Can I buy everyone coffees? [everyone shakes their heads] [in Cookie Monster voice] 'Or cookies.'
Dwight: What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression?
Gabe: Alright.
Kevin: [imitating Gabe] Uh guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person.
Gabe: You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm one of the gang.
Dwight: I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.'
Kevin: Ciao' Right? 'Ciao. I say Ciao because I'm fancy from Tallahassee.'
Gabe: Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? [everyone says ciao]
Erin: [sitting on bench outside groaning]
Michael: Erin?
Erin: Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone.
Michael: No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down?
Erin: I can't trust Andy anymore.
Michael: Oh. Yep. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing.
Erin: It's Andy's fault.
Michael: Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis.
Erin: Oh, I like his butt.
Michael: You said butt.
Erin: You tricked me!
Michael: Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him: 'Hey! Hey Scott!'
Andy: Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day.
Oscar's voice from the computer: Hey Kevin it's Oscar. I'm looking at the sheet you sent me. And I can't seem to find the column for shipping cost.
Kevin: I made the most brilliant retaliation video. It's awesome.
Phyllis: I don't get it.
Jim: Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice.
Pam: Yeah. 'I vant to count to ten'.
Kevin: But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers.
Kelly: But you're an accountant too.
Oscar: Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch?
Pam: That would have been funny.
Kevin: But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple.
Michael: [walking up] Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? 'Oscar. I am the Count.' Nailed him. Nailed him. [Gives Kevin a fist pump] Good work Cookie Monster.
Kevin: Thank you.


Michael: Buenos dias, Erin.
Erin: Buenos dias, Miguel. [phone rings] Hello, Dunder-Mifflin.
Michael: No, no, no, no. Solamente en espanol, por favor.
Michael: I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country should learn how to speak Spanish. They are our neighbors to the South, and this would be a healing thing for... for all of North America. And... I am going on vacation next week to Cancun.
Michael: Buenos dias, Jaime.
Jim: Buenos dias, Miguel. Como estas? Bien? Claro que si! Yo estoy fantastico. Que pasa?
Michael: Ha ha! Buenos dias, Dwight!
Dwight: Guten tag, Herr Michael.
Dwight: I don't understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very good authority that within 20 years, everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.
Michael: La telefona.
Oscar: El telefono.
Oscar: Michael's having a hard time with the gender part of Spanish. So I told him to mark everything with the international symbol for gender. And, um... [holds up two blurred-out drawings of male and female genitalia] I should have been more specific.
Oscar: Your office is full of genitalia.
Michael: [clears throat] Oh. Eso es lo que dice, el!
Oscar: That's what he says?'
Michael: Damn it. [knock on door] Ah, Angelo.
Angela: Angela. [Michael sticks post-it on Angela's forehead with female genitalia] Michael.
Michael: Yo soy Cancun.
Angela: [removes post-it, leaves] Uhh!
Jim: All right, so I'll finish up on bulk pricing, and then you go into delivery guarantee.
Pam: You know, maybe there's an opportunity for a joke there, like, um... like, [vaudeville delivery] 'I just delivered a baby. They didn't offer me a guarantee.'
Jim: Yeah, or maybe we don't even need that.
Michael: Can you smell the power of the Halperts? Power couple.
Dwight: You know what? I should be getting this client, Michael. My numbers are better than either of theirs.
Michael: I went with the people I thought would put the best face on the company.
Dwight: If you want people to put the best face on something, why would you get two people who probably never cut the face off of anything in their lives?
Jim: [whispers] That's a good point.
Pam: This is our first joint sales pitch. I think we're gonna work really well together.
Jim: Yeah I think we have complimentary strengths. We understand each other.
Pam: We have good give and take. [vaudeville delivery] I give, he takes.
Jim: [whispering] I don't even know who you are anymore.
Pam: [vaudeville delivery] Yee.
Donna: Hi, uh, Donna Newton, here to see Michael Scott.
Jim: Oh, hey, Miss Newton. Hi, I'm Jim.
Donna: Hi!
Jim: How are you?
Michael: Did somebody order a hooker over here?
Donna: [laughing] Oh, stop that.
Michael: Hi. How are you?
Michael: There's this woman I met a few weeks ago. Her name is Donna, the manager of Sid & Dexter's and, right now, we're in the midst of a passionate love affair. Um, no. But she is coming by today. Maybe to buy some printers, so...
Michael: Right here, we have the wonder twins, Jim and Pam Halpert. They will be assisting you today.
Donna: You look exactly alike.
Pam: Oh, no we're actually married. We're not brother and sister.
Donna: I have a sense about these things.
Jim: All right.
Donna: You have some ancestors in common... somewhere back.
Angela: I knew it. You should see their baby.
Jim: [explaining PowerPoint to Donna] So, yes, laser printers are more expensive. But they cost less to operate [knocking] So it's a tradeoff.
Michael: [barges in] Hi.
Jim: Hold on one second.
Michael: Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt. Do you, Donna, by any chance shop at Victoria's Secret?
Jim: What?
Michael: Because I keep getting these magazines sent to me via the address of the woman who used to live in my condo before me.
Jim: None of this is time sensitive.
Michael: Uh, yes, uh, the sale is on now through May.
Donna: Oh, yeah, thank you.
Michael: Okay, I have more of them.
Gabe: You would have weekly conference calls with executives in corporate. A two-week training program at the Yale school of management, obviously you would be high on the list for advancement opportunities.
Darryl: Sounds all right.
Dwight: What is this?
Gabe: Oh, this is 'Print in All Colors,' Sabre's minority executive training program.
Dwight: It doesn't just sound a'ight, it sounds amazing.
Darryl: I didn't say 'a'ight.'
Dwight: How do I apply?
Gabe: You have to be a minority.
Dwight: Uh, glasses wearers. Cholera survivors. Geniuses. Non-organic family farmers. The list goes on and on. You want me to keep going?
Gabe: Those don't really count. We're thinking more ethnic and racial minorities.
Dwight: Come here. Come here.
Gabe: Hmm?
Dwight: Ten seconds ago, this guy was driving a forklift. Okay? Now all off a sudden he's Cinderella of the office. What are you guys thinking?
Gabe: Well...
Darryl: I like the sound of this. [looks at Dwight] Maybe one day I'll be sitting in Michael's chair. Wouldn't that be something?
Dwight: One minority from this branch is going to get into this program. Who would I refer? Hmm... the competent, hardworking one who does things his own way, or the malleable simpleton who can be bought for a few fashion magazines?
Kelly: [on phone] This is the second time that you've sent me the wrong size. I mean, I know what a four feels like. I've been a four my whole life. You know what? You can go to Hell. All right? Thanks for nothing.
Dwight: Oh, man. White people, right?
Kelly: I don't know if she was white.
Dwight: Well, you can kinda tell from the voice.
Kelly: Yeah.
Dwight: I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot, just because of your race.
Kelly: Well, they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.
Dwight: I think you should consider applying for the executive minority training program.
Kelly: Never thought of myself as an executive before.
Dwight: I know, 'cause you have no role models. How many Indian CEO's can you think of?
Kelly: I can't think of any CEO's, any race.
Dwight: You could be the Indian Bill Gates. You could be the Indian Ted Turner.
Kelly: I could be the Indian Julia Roberts.
Dwight: That's not... she's... okay. Yes.
Michael: I took the liberty to scan a few things earlier, and I want to show you... there we go! [Michael's picture pops up on the PowerPoint screen] Whoa, look at those vivid colors. Look at my eyes. Those are Shrek-green eyes. That is me again. I think this displays the crisp, dazzling white.
Donna: Mm-hmm.
Michael: And that would be a display [image from a catalog of a man wearing only white boxers pops up] of the crisp, gorgeous black.
Donna: Yeah.
Michael: It's subtle. That's how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. 	And then she looks at me, then back at me, then back at the image. Soon, she doesn't know what is me, what is the image. She just knows that she's turned on.
Michael: This is a place that I like to go to be alone with my thoughts. I've never taken anybody there before.
Donna: Who took the photo?
Michael: Ryan.
Donna: Oh. [Michael quickly advances PowerPoint show to last slide which is 'SEX' in bold white letters on a black background and then exits the show quickly]
Michael: And that's it. That's me. That's who I am.
Donna: [giggles] Not bad.
Michael: Oh, thanks. [softly] You're not bad, either.
Donna: Thank you. [Michael tries t kiss Donna, Donna clears throat] Hmm.
Michael: Hmm.
Donna: Oh my God. [realizing Jim and Pam are looking through the conference room windows]
Michael: Jim! Could you come in here for a sec? What was that printer we were looking at?
Michael: [in his office] You didn't see it, Pam. She was giving me all sorts of signals that she wanted me to make a move. Shortbread?
Jim: No.
Pam: I'll have one.
Jim: Well, maybe you shouldn't try to kiss people at work.
Michael: Oh really, Jim? What about Pam? And you did a heck of a lot more than kiss. Maybe this could be my Pam.
Jim: Okay. Well, all that is irrelevant.
Pam: Maybe Michael has a point. I mean, if she was really that upset, she wouldn't still be here.
Donna: Was it professional? No. But I work in the nightlife industry. I get hit on all the time. In my 20's it would have been annoying. In my late 20's, I find it really flattering.
Michael: Look, I know that I screwed up in there. I know that I probably messed up your sale. I just want to go in and fix it.
Pam: What if I back out and you finish the pitch with Jim?
Jim: What?
Jim: What was that?
Pam: Just let him flirt with her. People meet each other all sorts of ways.
Jim: Pam, you know he's not gonna get anywhere, and he's gonna blow our sale.
Pam: Who cares? [Michael peeking at them through his office window] It's not that huge a sale.
Jim: Hey, the Schwab guy told us to treat every sale like it was a huge sale.
Pam: Don't act like you understood anything that guy said. [pat's Jim's arm] Good luck, wingman. [salutes]
Dwight: How as being a minority affected you?
Kelly: Well, there's a lot of pressure from my parents to settle down and marry an Indian guy.
Dwight: Oh, good, and you resent this because...
Kelly: Indian guys always wear their cell phones outside their pants. It's so dorky.
Dwight: Oh, no, no. That's not dorky. [Dwight wears his phone like that] Look, it's easily accessible. Boom, like this. 911, hello. Scranton Strangler's in the house. Inside the house.
Kelly: Just put it in your pocket.
Michael and Donna: [indistinct chatter inside conference room]
Kevin: [looking it] Look at that. She's totally flirting with him.
Phyllis: You don't know that. Some people can't help oozing sexuality.
Creed: You ever notice you can ooze two things: sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.
Phyllis: She just crossed her arms together... that's bad.
Pam: Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together to make them look bigger.
Kevin: [tries it by crossing his arms] Like that? [to Andy]
Donna: Is this... is this the best you can do right there?
Jim: Uh, for that printer, yes. Unfortunately we don't have a lot of flexibility.
Donna: Oh. Well, I guess I'm just used to the restaurant business, [removes sweater revealing her revealing top] where, if you're in charge, then you can always get discounts for the people that you like.
Jim: Yeah. [chuckles]
Michael: So maybe we could find a little wiggle room, right?
Jim: What's that?
Michael: Maybe wee find some wiggle room?
Jim: I don't... I don't think so.
Michael: I think we could. [Donna giggles]
Oscar: I don't see how we could possibly sell these for that little without losing money. Delivery alone will cost...
Michael: Okay, well sometimes... sometimes it makes financial sense to lose money, right? Like for tax purposes.
Oscar: Actually, ran the numbers on this, and in this case, it makes more financial sense to gain money.
Michael: Why don't you run them again?
Jim: What if she's just flirting with you to get a better price?
Michael: If she is, it's working.
Kevin: Yeah, Michael, here's a trick. Ask her if she wants a mint. If she says 'no,' then she is not interested.
Jim: She does not like him.
Pam: You can flirt with someone to get what you want and also be attracted to them. How do you think we got together?
Jim: cause I stopped by your desk like 15 times a day.
Pam: I was after your money.
Jim: Well, the joke was on you.
Pam: Yes, it was.
Kelly: [typing] Can you stop micromanaging? I know how to do this.
Ryan: Okay...
Dwight: Hey... what are you guys doing?
Kelly: This girl was really rude to me at the mall. So I created a fake I.M. account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.
Ryan: Tell her everyone in home room thinks she's fat.
Kelly: Oh, that is so good.
Dwight: You know, we really should keep practicing for this interview.
Kelly: Oh, that's okay. Ryan coached me.
Dwight: Ryan? What does he know?
Ryan: It's easy... you just turn every question around on them. Do you think you're treated differently because of your race?
Kelly: Would you ask that same question if I was white? We're so in.
Dwight: We?'
Kelly: When I become executive, I'm gonna make Ryan manager.
Ryan: And then the two of us are cleanin' house.
Dwight: Kelly will be even worse than Darryl. If you'd have told me this morning that today I'd be creating a monster capable f my own destruction, I 'd have thought you were referring to the bull Mose and I are trying to reanimate.
Michael: So corporate approval of this contract is contingent upon buyer and seller...
Donna: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Operating blahdy blahdy blah. Boilerplate. Pound of fish. [Donna laughing] Just kidding. Do you like mints?
Donna: Yes.
Michael: I carry mints with me sometimes. You ever tried those?
Donna: Oh, I haven't tried those. No.
Michael: They're good [Donna grabs mint]
Donna: You want one?
Michael: Sure.
Donna: It's like cool... 'certified cool.' I like how they say 'certified.' Like there's some consortium of... [Michael grabs the mint from Donna's hand with his mouth, Donna pulls her hand away] Michael!
Michael: I can't stop myself from kissing her.
Kevin: Yeah, now you know how I feel sitting next to those M&M's all day.
Andy: Well, why don't you just move the M&M's?
Kevin: Well, why don't you shut up!
Michael: Okay, guys, guys, guys. Just tell me it's not totally insane to try one more time.
Jim: It is totally insane.
Oscar: Michael, he's right. You are turning into a stalker.
Michael: Okay. What do you think?
Kevin: I think it's over, man.
Michael: Andy?
Andy: Ehh.
Michael: Okay, some for, some against.
Jim: Nobody's for.
Michael: Pam?
Pam: Hmm?
Mihael: What do you think?
Pam: Um... I think it's really, really unlikely.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Really unlikely. But I can't say that it's impossible.
Jim: What?
Pam: I'm not saying she's in love with him. But she could have left a while ago. Most printer sales are done over the phone, Ms. Boob shirt.
Michael: I'm going with Pam's group.
Jim: Wait.
Michael: Here we go.
Jim: Michael. Michael.
Michael: Okay.
Jim: Michael.
Michael: No, guys, guys, guys. Guys, just... thank you for talking. Wish me luck.
Jim: No.
Michael: What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he had just stopped, given up, after two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment. I still would have seen it, but that's not... the point.
Dwight: Kelly is disqualified!
Gabe: What?
Dwight: You said the program is not open to Caucasians. Well... anthropologically, she is Indian. Indians migrated from the caucuses region of Europe. Therefore, technically, she is Caucasian. You're welcome, America.
Gabe: Yeah, but she's not white, though.
Dwight: Well, obviously, she is brownish. But come on, I mean, Darryl is far more ethnic.
Gabe: Darryl withdrew his application. He said the Yale program interfered with his softball league, you know? He's gone.
Darryl: I got my whole life to be a minority executive. I only have about a year left in these knees, though.
Dwight: Kelly is the only applicant.
Gabe: Yeah, unless somebody else applies today.
Kelly: Namaste.
Dwight: Oh, dear God. Okay. Don't make any decisions just yet. Okay? I'll be right back.
Kelly: Hello.
Gabe: That's very nice. [referring to Kelly's bindi] I never noticed that before.
Kelly: Sometimes my bangs cover it.
Gabe: Yeah. I don't want to be offensive but, uh... may I ask you what that means?
Kelly: I do find that offensive, actually.
Michael: We should have your contract done by Thursday.
Donna: Oh, great. Great, I will look out for that stuff, then.
Michael: Okay.
Donna: And, um... you know I just wanted to say it was really... really nice to do business with you.
Michael: Yeah it was nice to do business with you, too.
Donna: Thank you. Did I... get everything?
Michael: I don't know. I think so.
Donna: Yeah, I think so.
Michael: [whispers] Okay. So... Oh, Donna?
Donna: Yeah? Do you need validation? We don't... we don't validate.
Donna: No, it's just in the lot, so...
Michael: Thank you so much.
Donna: You're welcome. [they hug] You're... welcome.
Michael: Mmm. [Donna giggles]
Donna: Bye.
Michael: [follows her out of office] Ahem. So, um... okay, if you have... if there's any other questions that you have...
Donna: I don't have, uh, any other questions. [blind clanking as she leans against door to prevent from Michael kissing her] I'm just gonna... make my way down to...
Michael: All right. All right. Bye.
Donna: Bye-bye!
Michael: And have a good elevator ride.
Donna: Okay.
Michael: Oh, what's that out there?
Kevin: Michael, how did it go? [Michael goes in his office and closes door]
Dwight: How would one of you feel if I told you I could put you on a fast track to an executive position at this company?
Erin: Holy cow. I'd be so happy.
Dwight: I wasn't talking to you, pale-face.
Erin: I know. I meant I'd be happy for them.
Dwight: What I'm offering is a ticket on a bullet train straight to middle management.
Stanley: Dwight, I know these programs. 'Every color is important because, together, we make a rainbow.'
Dwight: Yes.
Stanley: I'll slap you in the face with a rainbow.
Erin: Mm!
Dwight: Speaking of rainbows, Oscar... you are kind of a double minority. Gay. So we at Sabre could really benefit from your perspective.
Oscar: Dwight, we know Kelly applied. We're not gonna cross her. No matter how good the program is.
Dwight: I can protect you from Kelly. [Erin stifles laugh] Will you get out of here? Seriously. [Erin turns and leaves kitchen]
Kelly: For hobbies, um, yoga, belly dancing, snake charming. Beds of nails. I like lying on them.
Dwight: Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is Hide Toshi Hasagawa. He would like to apply for the Sabre minority executive training program 'print in all colors' initiative.
Kelly: Dwight: What are you doing?
Dwight: Helping heal America in a dramatic fashion in the 11th hour.
Kelly: God, I hate you so much! [gets up, leaves]
Dwight: Caucasians, am I right? [to Hide] Have a seat. I'll translate.
Hide: Why? I don't need translator.
Dwight: You don't know what you need. Just...
Gabe: Well, uh... why don't you just tell me a little about yourself, Hide.
Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon, number one. Steady hand.
Pam: Hey, Michael. [Michael is sitting on couch outside his office] How you doing?
Michael: I don't know. I don't know. Can't really trust my feelings anymore.
Pam: You know what, Michael? For what it's worth... I was wrong, too. I thought she was interested in you.
Michael: She suckered you too.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Was it the cleavage?
Pam: Yeah, and the shoulder cutouts.
Michael: Yep.
Phyllis: Michael, you know, it's easy to get fooled. Bob's warehouse guys flirt with me all the time. It... it's mostly harmless. Usually I don't let it go too far.
Andy: You know, when I tore my scrote, I was, uh... I was seeing this really hot urologist about it, and thought she was into me. But now I think she was just doing a bunch of stuff to bill my HMO. You know, she's touching around down there. It's easy to get confused.
Erin: Michael, I think Donna left this here. Should I put it in the lost and found for 14 days and then I can take it home?
Michael: God. She left this here?
Erin: Yeah.
Michael: Okay. Maybe she wants me to return this to her at her work.
Jim: What?
All: No.
Michael: Yeah. This could be a signal. People don't just take barrettes off.
Oscar: It's not a signal. It's just a coincidence. No, it's not even a coincidence. It's just something that happened.
Pam: Michael...
Michael: [hold up barrette] Well...
Pam: She doesn't want you to return the barrette. She's not interested in you.
Michael: Yeah, I know. I know.
Pam: I'm sorry.
Michael: I know. You're right. Thank you. Thanks everybody. [waves, returns to his office, clears throat, turns around and runs out of office]
Pam: Michael! [sighs]
Michael: [runs down to parking lot, sighs]
Donna: [still in parking lot sitting in her car] Michael!
Michael: Oh. You're still here. I have your baguette.
Gabe: Everyone, it is my pleasure to announce our newest member of the Sabre minority executive training program. Kelly Rajnigandha Kapoor. [clapping] All right.
Gabe: They're going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program. She'll be the first. The program's mostly black. It's almost too black. That didn't sound right.
Kelly: [puts a bindi on Erin's forehead] And the best part is is that I get a business stipend to buy all new clothes. So you can totally buy any of my old clothes that I'm not gonna need anymore.
Erin: Oh, my God, thank you so much. I love that denim jumpsuit you have. How much?
Kelly: Oh. Actually I was thinking about clothes that I was just gonna give to Goodwill anyway.
Erin: Great.
Dwight: Hey, kiddo. Congratulations are in order. You deserve it. [Dwight extends his hand, but Kelly hugs him]
Kelly: Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight: Oh.
Kelly: I'll never forget everything that you've done for me.
Dwight: Gosh. He he.
Kelly: Because I never forget anything.
Dwight: Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?
Michael: You know what? Everybody told me that you weren't interested. Everybody. And I didn't believe 'em. And they were right. So... there's your barrette.
Donna: No, y-you were... right.
Michael: Who?
Donna: You were right.
Michael: About what?
Donna: You were right. [Michael leans into Donna's car to kiss her and they kiss passionately] I'm sorry.
Michael: No, no. No.
Donna: I'm sor...
Michael: No... [they kiss again]
Michael: [returns to office] What happened?
Erin: Kelly got into the minority training program.
Michael: Really?! Oh, that's great. That's such good news. I did it! [all look at him] I kissed. We kissed.
Kevin: Ooh.
Phyllis: Oh, Michael.
Michael: No, I'm serious. It... this happened. I went down to the parking lot and I was... I returned her barrette [holds up barrette] We ki... We did. Okay. We did. We did.
Michael: You know what? It doesn't matter. Because I know it happened. And that is all that counts. [shouts] I did do it!


Dwight: Stop it!
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!
Jim: [chuckles] Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
Pam: It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, 'I will when you lose the baby weight.'
Dwight: Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!
Michael: Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Jim: It's a pen.
Dwight: Michael, come on.
Michael: Get back to work, Dwight. Please.
Dwight: Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically]
Michael: Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh... we're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!
Michael: Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out.
Stanley: I have an idea for your weekend.
Michael: Okay.
Stanley: Let me get back to my desk right now.
Michael: Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas.
Pam: Stanley got to go.
Michael: Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything. Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out.
Andy: Walk around apple orchards.
Michael: Oh!
Andy: Super romantic.
Michael: That's fun.
Dwight: Eel fishing.
Michael: All right.
Darryl: Curl up with your favorite DVD.
Meredith: You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.
Michael: We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang's.
Kelly: Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton.
Michael: Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, 'I wanna go to Mount Pocono,' you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI.
Kelly: Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating?
Michael: You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton. Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn't see.
Ryan: Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! It's in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana.
Michael: You guys think Donna's cheating on me?
Pam: No, Michael, no.
Dwight: Are you nuts?
Pam: You had a nice meal with your girlfriend in a lovely place...
Michael: ... and... we had sex, too.
Pam: That is right. Don't make any more of it.
Michael: How?
Pam: How what?
Michael: How do I not make any more of it?
Pam: You could start by concluding this meeting.
Michael: All right. [all stand up to leave] And she won't say, 'I love you.'
Dwight: Oh, no.
Andy: How many dates have you been on?
Michael: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Andy: Mm.
Oscar: That seems... quick. Even for lesbians.
Ryan: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?
Ryan: Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she...
Michael: Yeah, she does all that.
Ryan: Sorry, dude.
Michael: No, no...
Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run amok.
Michael: Run what?
Pam: Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control.
Michael: Why didn't you just say that, Pam?
Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control.
Michael: Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world.
Jim: You do?
Michael: Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit.
Jim: But you didn't believe any of this was true five minutes ago.
Michael: That's what makes it so wrong.
Michael: Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me.
Dwight: Oh, God, that tickles. What did...
Michael: [whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator.
Dwight: I think I've got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]
Michael: This is you. How much do you charge?
Dwight: $100 a day, plus expenses.
Michael: I'll give you $50. Money's no object.
Dwight: I'm just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table, leaves]
Andy: Of course. Yeah, that's terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire.
Stanley: My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems.
Andy: Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important.
Gabe: There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right?
Andy: Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire.
Gabe: That's weird. I haven't heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves.
Andy: What are we gonna do about this?
Gabe: I don't know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That's what I'll do today. All right. Yeah.
Andy: Let me know what they say.
Darryl: [puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good.
Andy: What do you mean?
Darryl: You didn't feel like he was hiding something?
Andy: I don't know.
Darryl: Like he was... covering something up? Maybe.
Darryl: Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said 'Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient.' [smiles]
Dwight: [sitting on his Firebird's hood in front of a gym] Hi stranger.
Donna: Oh, hi. You work for Michael.
Dwight: I work with Michael.
Donna: Right.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute. [they shake hands]
Donna: Donna, hi.
Dwight: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.
Jim: That's interesting. Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think?
Michael: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives.
Pam: Oh!...
Jim: Oh, my God
Michael: It's comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God.
Jim: You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just... stop beating yourself up.
Michael: I know. Well, I hope you're right. We'll see what Dwight says.
Pam: Why do we have to see what Dwight says?
Michael: Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update.
Jim: Michael, no...
Pam: No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that.
Michael: It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.
Pam: Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael.
Michael: God, this is so disgusting.
Pam: Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you.
Michael: I know.
Pam: And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in.
Michael: That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan.
Pam: Helene.
Michael: Helene?
Pam: My mother.
Michael: Oh.
Pam: My mother, Helene. [Jim shakes his head]
Michael: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life.
Jim: You should stop this, [pulls away mayo and olives bowl] and you should call Dwight right now.
Michael: [sighs] All right. [calls Dwight]
Dwight: [at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna's attention] Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead.
Donna: Thank you.
Dwight: It's all yours. [strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head] Ah! [after first rep, Dwight is injured]
Donna: You okay?
Dwight: Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?
Donna: [chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about.
Dwight: Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here.
Dwight: [moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who's next to him] Oh. Oh. Oh. [groans loudly] One thing you need to know about me. I don't quit until something tears or pops. [chuckles] You look like you're getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?
Donna: Nope. I'm good, thanks.
Dwight: Really? Hey, um... [Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his 'workout']
Old lady: Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat?
Dwight: Get out of my way. Huh!
Dwight: Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right?
Donna: I'm out of here.
Dwight: Donna. Donna, wait, please. I'm sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I'm here: to see... you... naked... while... I'm... naked.
Donna: You stay away from me, or I'm calling security.
Dwight: Donna, come... Ah! Grr! Ugh! [Dwight is very sore from his 'workout' and cannot chase Donna]
Michael: You're back. What happened?
Dwight: Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking.
Michael: No, what happened with Donna?
Dwight: Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin]
Michael: Ugh!
Dwight: Put your fingers here.
Michael: No. No! Are you sure?
Dwight: I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there.
Michael: Who eats eight protein bars?
Dwight: People who don't trust egg whites.
Michael: Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over.
Dwight: Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious.
Michael: What? No, she didn't say that.
Dwight: You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] 'What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him.' And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael's office.
Michael: I am not paying for that membership.
Michael: [sitting on the floor behind Erin's desk, sighs] Ohhh... mmm...
Erin: Maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own office.
Michael: No, I like the attention. Is she here yet?
Erin: Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes.
Michael: That's her?
Erin: Yeah.
Michael: Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I'll talk to you later.
Donna: How could you think I would cheat on you?
Michael: I didn't. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind.
Donna: That's pathetic.
Michael: Ye... pfff. Well, no. It's a lie. That's not what happened. I just like you. I can't believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want.
Donna: When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake]
Michael: If you wanna dump me, I totally get it.
Donna: I told you I like you.
Michael: Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs]
Donna: Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would...
Michael: ...poop my pants.
Donna: Have you ever been to Vero Beach?
Michael: Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water?
Donna: We're going.
Michael: We are?
Donna: Yeah.
Andy: What's up? I got your e-mail.
Darryl: Close the door.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. [scatting] Andy don't mess with me. [continues scatting] I'll figure something out.
Darryl: Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things.
Andy: Such as?
Darryl: It was kind of mumbled, I don't know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was 'Andy,' 'Problem,' 'Eliminate,' something. I don't know what it meant.
Andy: What? You don't know what it meant? How about 'Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?'
Darryl: Whoa. I hadn't even thought of that.
Andy: [chuckles nervously] Yeah. Hah. Hoo.
Kelly: Oh, hey, I love your earrings.
Donna: Thank you.
Kelly: Did Michael get them for you?
Donna: No, I bought them myself.
Kelly: Where?
Donna: Steamtown Mall.
Kelly: Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where?
Donna: You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there.
Kelly: Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place?
Donna: Uh, Franklin Mills.
Jim: [to Pam] What?
Pam: Hmm? Oh. It's probably nothing.
Pam: Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael.
Jim: Wait, so are you... you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right?
Pam: No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love.
Creed: Psst... [Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down]
Andy: Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this.
Creed: So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less.
Pam: So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. [pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling] This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. [pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man] This photo was taken this morning. [shows a baby picture] It's Cece. [laughs] She's never gonna do anything wrong.
Donna: Isn't that something?
Michael: Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That's exciting.
Pam: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Hey.
Pam: I'm sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related.
Michael: Well it can wait. It can wait.
Pam: I lied it's personal. It's about me and Jim. We're... I just... you're the only person I can talk to.
Michael: Jim is her husband.
Donna: Oh.
Pam: And...
Michael: And they are having problems, so sh...
Pam: No, not... we're not... we're not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love...
Michael: Good in bed.
Pam: Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim.
Michael: Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?
Pam: [loudly] I need you to sign this! So bad!
Michael: Okay, weirdo.
Pam: I love [leans over Michael's desk to look at his computer screen]... this idea is neat. I've never been. It sounds lovely. [meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out]
Donna: Yeah I think it'll be a nice trip. We're gonna get a lot done.
Pam: [to Michael] You're gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh, wow. Look at... golfing. [to Donna] Are you a golfer?
Donna: I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. [Pam and Donna both laugh] Hey, you okay? [to Michael, walking away disappointedly]
Michael: Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam?
Pam: Absolutely. [both leave Michael's office]
Darryl: Look, I'm not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself.
Glen: I know, it's just, I'm scared...
Andy: Your text said 911.
Darryl: Glen, could you excuse us? [Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily]
Darryl: It's bad.
Andy: What's bad?
Darryl: It's real bad.
Darryl: Still no plan.
Andy: Oh, God.
Darryl: It's getting bigger.
Andy: I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire.
Darryl: I can videotape it.
Andy: Yeah.
Darryl: [to camera] There it is.
Andy: There what is?
Darryl: What?
Michael: Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?
Pam: I don't know who he is.
Michael: God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?
Pam: What?
Michael: I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm not. I feel... I... no, I'm not going to kill him.
Pam: You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her.
Michael: I have to hear it from her.
Pam: You have to settle down first.
Michael: I need to have her tell me herself. Right?
Pam: Okay. Okay. Yes.
Michael: I need to have her say...
Pam: Yeah, but you have to calm...
Michael: I need to say, 'What the hell is that? What the hell is that?'
Pam: Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture.
Michael: No, God! No, no, oh, my God!
Pam: [in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael
Michael: [calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay.
Gabe: [to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We've investigated. Every time it's been user error. They block the vents or something, I don't know. That's why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I'd like to reward you for that. [pulls out gift card] That's god for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts. [Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him]
Michael: You know what? We should really do something fun this week.
Donna: Yeah, we should.
Michael: Wouldn't that be fun?
Donna: Yeah.
Michael: How about Thursday?
Donna: Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do?
Michael: I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?
Donna: Oh, Friday doesn't work.
Michael: Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert.
Donna: Shoot. I'm working.
Michael: Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by.
Donna: Well, won't you be at the concert?
Michael: Nope, that's Tuesday.
Donna: Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday.
Michael: You're cheating. You're cheating on me.
Donna: How do you know?
Michael: Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor]
Pam: [gasps] Did she see me?
Jim: [to Pam on floor] Nice effort.
Andy: [in old Michael Scott Paper Company's 'office'] We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration]
Darryl: You haven't even introduced yourself.
Andy: Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much.
Darryl: You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird.
Andy: Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention...
Darryl: Higher. [motions with hand to go up more]
Andy: Make it higher? Okay.
Darryl: Mm-hmm
Andy: [high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation...
Darryl: One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher]
Andy: [higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... [printer starts smoking and explodes] ah! [speaking lower] It's working. [in normal voice] It's... I knew it!
Darryl: This... [removes camera headset]
Andy: We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! [Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing.
Darryl: I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore.
Michael: Who is he?
Donna: What, what do you mean?
Michael: The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it?
Donna: It's you. I'm married.
Michael: I'm the mistress?
Dwight: [on workout bicycle at gym] Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill.
Gym Instructor: Excuse me. Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this.
Dwight: You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast!
Gym instructor: Don't listen to him, we're approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill.
Dwight: No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side.
Gym instructor: No, guys, no. We're just cooling down...
Dwight: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! [points to those around him] You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate.


Toby: This here is a radon test kit. [holding out tiny cylinder disc] Okay I will be putting 'em everywhere. And... please don't throw these out. [starts snapping towards Michael's face] This is a radon test kit. [continues snapping] Please don't throw these out. [Michael gives annoyed look] See them all over the office.
Michael: Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. [finds radon kit in between his blinds in his office] But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. [throws it away] The second time... I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. [finds another radon kit on top of his cabinet] Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time... I did it out of spite. [takes radon kit from the top of the blinds of his office window and slams it into the trash can]
Michael: Pfffffttt.
Toby: Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.
Michael: You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?
Toby: Please sit down.
Michael: You know what? We're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom.
Everyone: YEAH! [laughter]
Michael: Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Everyone: No. No!
Jim: That's... not okay.
Michael: Okay, alright.
Dwight: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Dwight: No, hmmm... that's still...
Everyone: Mm-mm.
Michael: Okay geniuses, how would you do it?
Creed: Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted.
Oscar: All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden...
Ryan: Is there a curtain rod in the room?
Michael: I don't know.
Stanley: How about make-believe land has anything you want?
Jim: Stanley, please, this is serious!
Angela: Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?
Michael: Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.
Dwight: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. [stands up and points to Phyllis] Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.
Toby: I don't wanna do this.
Michael: [shouting] Toby, just do it! God!
Dwight: Toby, come on. [Andy lines up to the right of Toby and Phyllis is on his left]
Dwight: Ready, one bullet. And boom! [makes shooting noises and mimics a bullet with his fingers tapping Phyllis' throat, then Toby's, and finally Andy's]
Everyone: Yeah, that works. That works!
Michael: Good work. [clapping]
Pam: What flavors did you get? [yawns]
Erin: It's so exciting Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.
Pam: [reading flavors] Despera-dough. Witchy-womanilla. Why do they do this?
Erin: Do you want me to go back to the store?
Pam: No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. We gotta get these out, open 'em up.
Erin: This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married.
Pam: Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this.
Erin: After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me.
Pam: [yawns] Yeah, or no... well... I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I'd be running this.
Erin: That's okay. You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though.
Erin: We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him.
Pam: And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up.
Erin: He's coming.
Pam: Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow, if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect okay? Farting noise, whatever. Okay.
Toby: [walks in] Hey everyone.
Pam: No, out! Get out now! Leave now.
Dwight: Leave, get outta here.
Pam: Leave!
Dwight: Right now!
Pam: Oh, and if he makes a joke, just laugh it up, no matter what. Okay?
Michael: [walks in] Morning everyone.
Everyone: Hey! [applauses] Hey, hey!
Erin: Hi Michael. [gives him a hug]
Michael: Hello!
Dwight: Michael, nice tie or something.
Michael: Oh, thank you. It's reversible, I think. [everyone laughs]
Kevin: That's hilarious.
Pam: That's awesome. You want some ice cream?
Michael: Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? Cake it to the Limit. That's my favorite! I love that! Too much for me to have by myself. Anybody wanna share?
Kevin: Boi-oi-oi-ing
Michael: Okay. Well... that's random. I will dig into those later.
Lawyer: I don't follow this exactly. Uh, 'The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have...'
Dwight and Angela: Joint custody
Lawyer: Are we talking about your grandchildren?
Angela: No.
Dwight: No.
Angela: Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our childrearing contract.
Dwight: Alleged contract.
Angela: Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Dwight: Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! [pretends to karate chop her neck] See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.
Dwight: So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point 'B', uh... the beet juice cleanse?
Angela: I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting.
Dwight: How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample.
Angela: Dwight, look at my teeth. [shows teeth, beet red]
Dwight: Eughh. [looks disgusted]
Andy: No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.
Pam: Could he still be seeing her?
Phyllis: I don't think he'd do that.
Jim: So we're gonna say the most likely scenerio is that Michael matured overnight?
Andy: Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big.
Jim: Exactly. It happened in Big.
Michael: No, I gotta go. Text me later.
Jim: I'm really too tired to do this.
Pam: Me too!
Jim: Then let's just not do this. Do you have any idea the risks involved?
Pam: Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey.
Pam: We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight, in our home, and play with our baby.
Jim: We can order in from Hooters.
Michael: Oh, Hooters to go. Nice.
Pam: We can watch a movie and play Rock Band.
Jim: Billy Joel Rock Band.
Michael: That... exists?
Pam: Yes.
Michael: Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer.
Pam: [shouts] Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?
Michael: Okay, Pam... she's not invisible so stop asking silly questions.
Phyllis: Oh Michael.
Michael: Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?
Michael: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband... or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
Meredith: That is something I would never do.
Michael: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
Meredith: I ask... everyone in the room, 'Are you in a relationship?'.
Michael: People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
Kelly: Eughh, Ryan, I do not want you hanging around Michael anymore.
Ryan: Okay.
Michael: I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer.
Andy: How does he feel about it?
Michael: He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. [points to Andy] It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.
Jim: Now you're just being hurtful.
Michael: I'm sorry, it... why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat...
Phyllis: Hey!
Michael: On her diet! He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit.
Andy: Did Donna tell you that?
Michael: Real sports with Bryant Gumble.
Andy: So you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy.
Michael: You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson.
Andy: My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage.
Andy: So... here's the thing about infidelity.
Michael: Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy.
Andy: How does that work?
Michael: Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.
Andy: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyonce.
Michael: I am Beyonce always.
Andy: Not this time.
Michael: Yes, I am.
Andy: This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is.
Michael: I would love that.
Andy: Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out.
Michael: I have work to do.
Andy: Oh, really? I thought you were the boss.
Michael: Let's go. [starts walking towards the elevator] I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.
Andy: [humming Call to Post] Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum
Michael: All right, Andy, please.
Andy: Baseball!
Michael: Shh! Try not to draw attention, please. That's him. That's him.
Andy: Where?
Michael: Right there. The coach!
Andy: Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!
Michael: Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base?
Andy: [announcer's voice] And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain.
Michael: All right. Can you just- can you just act normal for a second, please?
Andy: Whatever. I'm the one blending in.
Gabe: [ahem][Pam snores] Guys?
Jim: Pam.
Pam: Mm. Hey. Oh, hi, Gabe.
Gabe: Can you two please join me in my office? Now.
Pam: You were supposed to be the Lookout.
Jim: Yeah, well it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag.
Gabe: I don't wanna be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad.
Jim: Sorry about that.
Pam: So embarrassing.
Gabe: Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know, the power dynamics.
Jim: Well, you were surprisingly restrained.
Pam: We will be well-rested tomorrow.
Gabe: Okay. That's great, actually, because I wanted to talk to you about something else.
Jim: Excellent. Go for it.
Gabe: I'm sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on. [Jim and Pam struggling to stay awake] Anyway, the question is, what is the best way to disseminate important information in an efficient way?
Jim: Right? So, uh, let's uh...
Lawyer: Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button.
Angela: Same page. Go to the next one.
Dwight: Same page. Just keep moving.
Lawyer: Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix-
Dwight: Which we can't know.
Lawyer: This is essentially...
Dwight: Unless we're unplugged.
Lawyer: Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.
Dwight: And wake up in the future.
Lawyer: Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.
Dwight: What?
Lawyer: Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else.
Angela: What?
Lawyer: So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000.
Dwight: What?
Dwight: I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.
Andy: Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play.
Michael: You have no idea what you're talking about.
Andy: I know it's like cricket.
Michael: You don't. No, no.
Andy: And it's-there's- well, home plate is like a wicket.
Michael: You don't know. You don't- you don't know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn't even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it's like, 'Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes?' 'High-five, Donna.' 'Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers?' 'Hi-five. I'm taking all the credit.'
Andy: Seems pretty well liked by the team.
Michael: Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary.
Andy: You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players.
Michael: I know, I know, I know. It-I'm-it- that was a euphemism.
Dwight: $30,000? There's gotta be another way.
Angela: He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.
Dwight: Look, I will not pay.
Angela: Well, I have an alternative.[hands Dwight a document]
Dwight: Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?'
Lawyer: Look, I don't think that's actually legal.
Dwight: Agreed. [shakes hands with Angela]
Dwight: Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.
Dwight: But not in your bed. It's lumpy.
Angela: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
Dwight: Fine. Five times. [signs contract]
Lawyer: Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution.
Angela: I want eye contact.
Dwight: No.
Angela: Yes.
Dwight: Do you understand how rare is that in nature?
Angela: I'm not some farm animal. [Dwight smirks at the camera]
Andy: Great game, coach.
Michael: Shh! Okay, all right. Don't, don't.
Andy: You guys are awesome! Best game I've ever seen in my life.
Shane: Yeah, right. You must be rootin' for the other guys.
Andy: Ha. The other guys can go die.
Michael: [whispers] Okay.
Andy: Baseball! Go talk to him.
Michael: No. God. You go talk to him.
Shane: Let's go.
Andy: Shane. Great game man!
Shane: Do I know you?
Andy: No. Uh, just big fans. Both of us.
Shane: Are you somebody's... parents? Oh, are you guys... Kenny's dads?
Andy: Ha. No. No. But we're gay for baseball. [chuckles]
Shane: Okay.
Andy: But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot.
Shane: Okay. Let's go!
Andy: Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage.
Shane: Whoa!
Andy: I mean, isn't marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, getting all committed to each other. So you love baseball. What else do you love? Let's round you out as a person.
Shane: Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to... focus here on the game.
Andy: I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife.
Shane: Of course. Okay? I gotta... get back to this.
Andy: Of course.
Shane: All right.
Andy: But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon!
Michael: No, no, no.
Andy: Come on, get over here.
Michael: I'm good. Oh, my God.
Andy: Get- Get over here. Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach.
Michael: Sorry. I got some stomach cramps.
Shane: It's all right. It's all right. Keep it going.
Michael: Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo! Whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, 'I'm sleeping with your wife.' And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond.
Michael: Okay, orange slices. There ya go.
Erin: Thanks, Michael.
Michael: Don't thank me. Thank Dylan's mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo!
Oscar: Why would you throw something wet at me?
Michael: You love it. There ya go.
Jim: Now, were those for the team?
Michael: Uh, no, they didn't say team. They just said coal Hawks.
Jim: Ah.
Pam: I don't think those were yours to take.
Michael: Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane.
Andy: I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair, and I went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior.
Pam: Did you talk to him?
Michael: I did.
Pam: You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with.
Kevin: Wow. That is crazy.
Phyllis: Was there a fistfight?
Michael: No. We just talked. He's very nice.
Phyllis: And it didn't change your mind.
Michael: It did not.
Phyllis: Michael, that's awful.
Michael: Isn't it?
Phyllis: Yes.
Michael: I'm awful, aren't I?
Kevin: Yeah. That's pretty bad.
Michael: I'm an awful guy! Ooh!
Oscar: How can you live with yourself?
Michael: I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now, I want a piece of cake. From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for.
Kevin: That is a dangerous game, friendo.
Kelly: Well, because I thought that it was a book about Anthropology the store.
Ryan: I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore.
Kelly: Cause it's next to they baby section, okay?
Ryan: All right, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning when you said, 'I read a book about anthropology.'
Kelly: I don't really know why you're screaming at me right now.
Ryan: I'm not scream- I'm not screaming.
Kelly: That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday.
Michael: I don't care. I have an appetite for life! [eats cake] Mmm. Mmm! Oh, god. That's Lemon.
Ryan: Good for you, man. Good for you.
Ryan: He takes what he wants.
Ryan: You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you.
Erin: What about Kelly?
Ryan: You read my mind.
Erin: [quietly] Is this a joke?
Ryan: Yep.
Ryan: It's hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I-I don't know how you do it, Michael, I-I-I can't be that cold.
Michael: You'll learn, baby. You'll learn.
Dwight: [pressing buttons to start microwave and moves towards his crotch] I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, [banging on his crotch with drum sticks] but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. [drops yellow pages against his crotch] [screaming] [chuckling] Let's see what she gets. [bouncing crotch on bike and crashes into glass door] [thud] Aah!
Creed: [Michael leaving copy machine] Uh, boss, we're out of paper.
Michael: Yeah, I noticed that.
Creed: Are you gonna add any more?
Michael: Nope.
Creed: He don't give an 'F' about nothin'!
Michael: I have got big balls.
Pam: I don't think I'm gonna make it.
Jim: [yawning] What about an energy drink or something?
Pam: [shakes head] It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later.
Jim: Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it.
Pam: Well, it does and it doesn't.
Darryl: Probably shouldn't tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so... we have a place.
Jim: A place?
Darryl: A restful location. Talk to Glen. He'll take you up in the lift.
Pam: You sleep in the warehouse?
Darryl: Lightbulb's burnt out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist, okay?
Jim: Okay.
Darryl: Pam.
Pam: Okay.
Phyllis: For your signature. [drops document on Michael's desk]
Michael: Okay. [Phyllis avoids looking at Michael] Phyllis. Okay. Look at me. [continues to look away] Phyllis, look at- [Phyllis turns to leave] okay, that's... [chases after her] All right, all right. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. If you think that's going to have any effect on me, it will not. I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna.
Kevin: Why not your condo?
Michael: Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate.
Stanley: Oh, Michael, will you drop it? Everybody's spoken their mind, and no one's changing their mind.
Michael: Okay, Morgan Freeman-narrating-everything.
Andy: Do you want someone to stop you? 'Cause no one's going to.
Michael: Nobody better try to stop me. Good. [leaves the office. door closes]
Dwight: I could have stopped him.
Dwight: Are you warmed up? [outside sliding door in warehouse]
Angela: No.
Dwight: God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? [zipper sound]
Angela: What did you do to yourself? [camera pans to Jim and Pam laying down in restful location]
Dwight: Never mind. Just never mind.
Angela: Well, it better work.
Dwight: Oh, it'll work. [Jim and Pam look shocked and disturbed] Mm. Stop kissing me. It's not in the contract.
Michael: [driving in car; returns to office; grabs ice cream out of freezer] How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. [beeping; cut to Donna who is waiting in the parking lot of the motel] Like a grownup.[Donna receives text from phone] That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. [Donna has disappointed look; cut back to Michael in his office opening ice cream] At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or... being happy. And I picked... the... former.
Reporter: Michael Scott?
Michael: Yes?
Reporter: Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors?
Michael: [sighs] Umm... I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologize to... the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again.
Reporter: I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire.
Michael: Oh. Okay. I was talking about... what do- what? What's going on?