Andy: Good morning, Pam.
Pam: Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Andy: Drew. I'm Drew now.
Pam: Oh. Drew. Sorry.
Andy: Apology not... accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place. [laughs]
Andy: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. [cut to shot of Andy punching a hole in the wall] But after five weeks in Anger Management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.
Andy: Mornin' Jim.
Jim: Hey, Andy. How are you, man?
Andy: Good. Drew.
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Dr- You can call me Drew.
Jim: No, I'm not gonna call you that.
Andy: Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what
Jim: Andy.
Andy: Drew. [walks to Dwight] Dwight. How's it goin' man?
Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Ok, tell him that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy: You guys...
Dwight: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim: [half-heartedly] Andy! Nah, that's too far.
Dwight: Damn you.
Michael: Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.
Darryl: Now, this is the forklift. You need- [Michael rattles it] You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers
Michael: Hmm.
Darryl: Should you drive the forklift?
Michael: I can, and I have.
Darryl: No! No no no no no! I said
Lonny: You're not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It's not safe, you don't have a license.
Michael: Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. [points] Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge: Madge.
Michael: I thought your name was Pudge?
Madge: No, it's always been Madge.
Michael: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her. Yes, 'her' is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael: Ah, fine.
Darryl: Do you understand that?
Michael: Yeeesh.
Darryl: We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
Michael: [barely keeping his composure] 'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!' [laughs]
Darryl: And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers.
Darryl: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Dwight: Yeah!
Andy: It's on!
Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bail'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man.
Darryl: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?
Kevin: Five bucks says it's over 50.
Jim: You really wanna bet?
Darryl: Anybody?
Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
Guy: How many?
Jim: Ok, you're on.
Darryl: Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?
Kevin: [mouths] Damn...
Darryl: [in background] You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful...
Jim: No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'.
Kevin: On what?
Jim: I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out.
Kevin: Nice.
Oscar: What are you guys talkin' about?
Darryl: These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers,
Michael: Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...
Darry: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.
Lonny: What the
Michael: It's a big red trash compactor!
Lonny: What are you-
Darryl: It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler!
Lonny: Don't disrespect the baler!
Michael: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions...
Darryl: No do not touch it!
Michael: ...would I go near-
Darryl: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?
Michael: Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!
Toby: Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...
Toby: Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour.
Michael: Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl: Take them at the same time.
Michael: Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.
Ryan: What about a long sleeve T?
Toby: Well, that'll work.
Kevin: Long johns? A shaw?
Toby: You know, anything that warms you.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to warehouse guys] Sorry, he is very lame. [takes book from Toby] Um, let's see. 'Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.'
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
Michael: Ok guys, you know what? I didn't- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl: Actually, you did.
Michael: Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. 'A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute-'
Toby: Sedentary.
Michael: Yes. 'Which can contribute to heart disease.' Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael: Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...
Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from?
Michael: No.
Lonny: Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly: Ryan?
Lonny: Dude, tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly: What?!
Ryan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?
Darryl: Alright, we outta here.
Michael: Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I-
Lonny: Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.
Darryl: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.
Michael: Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?
Michael: Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... 'Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.' ... This is one example.
Kevin: [Pam is holding a jar of jellybeans] Ten.
Oscar: Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant.
Jim: There's like ten green ones.
Oscar: Forty-two.
Jim: I'm gonna say fifty.
Karen: Fifty-one.
Jim: Oh, don't be that person.
Kevin: That is lame.
Karen: It's a strategy!
Pam: It's called being smart.
Karen: Thank you.
Kevin: Oh, geeze.
Pam: I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun.
Pam: Ten...
Jim: Kev's out.
Kevin: Damn it.
Pam: 47, 48, 49! Jim wins!
Everyone: Oooh! [Jim claps]
Kevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you.
Jim: Okay, okay.
Kevin: No, constantly. Like, for
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Pam: I don't understand the question.
Michael: Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
Pam: Yeah...
Michael: I- I- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...
Pam: It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
Michael: Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.
Pam: So, you're okay?
Michael: Indubitably.
Michael: They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight: Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!?
Michael: I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression-
Dwight: Wolves.
Michael: Nn- Depression.
Dwight: Visual aids.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: A quilt. Depression quilt?
Micheal: No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.
Michael: You may be asking yourself, 'What am I doing on a trampoline?' Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, 'Hey! You ever seen a suicide?' And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think 'Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.' But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da! [Dwight nods]
Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, [Ryan checks his watch]number three becomes number two, etc, etc. And let's just say that I just sent back
Ryan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money]
Kelly: You're such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said 'awesome' 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Dwight: [on the roof] Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops!
Michael: Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or...
Dwight: We measured it once...
Michael: Go buy some watermelons.
Dwight: Seedless?
Michael: Just...
Toby: [Creed takes a bite of an apple] Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
Pam: Hey Creed.
Creed: Hey!
Pam: Hey.
Creed: Hello. [Jim replaces Creed's apple with a potato][Creed takes a bite of the potato]
Pam: Yes!
Kevin: Here you go. [hands money]
Toby: Nice.
Karen: I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out.
Dwight: Ready?
Michael: Let's do it! Drop that sucker.
Dwight: [drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds]
Michael: BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight: Got it.
Michael: Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.
Dwight: We're not allowed to use the baler.
Michael: Have Pa-adge do it, or... the sea monster.
Dwight: I'm on it!
Dwight: I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You've got an hour.
Andy: I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.
Dwight: Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision.
Michael: Yes, thank you for seeing that.
Dwight: When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
Michael: I don't know if I wanna do this.
Dwight: Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!
Michael: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.
Dwight: That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll!
Michael: Rock n' roll!
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: That's right! I am not thinking.
Dwight: [imitating the sound and playing an air guitar] Near near near near near!
Michael: Yes! Yeah!
Dwight: [singing] Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof!
Michael: Woo!
Dwight: [singing] Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss!
Michael: Woo!
Dwight: [singing] Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!
Michael: I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! [Dwight continues air guitar]
Dwight: [out of breath] Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange!
Andy: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight: [hesitates] Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end?
Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight: No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?
Dwight: Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!
Dwight: [outside] Come on, hurry up you guys!
Michael: [on the roof] My life! Oh, my life...
Dwight: [on megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?!
Michael: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!
Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Dwight: Don't do anything rash!
Michael: Wait, where are the warehouse guys?
Dwight: I didn't... [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn't think you needed them for this part.
Michael: Okay... that's...
Dwight: you said to just...
Michael: That's the whole point, dummy.
Dwight: Okay, I'm on it!
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Attention blue collar workers!
Pam: What are the odds that this is in any way real?
Jim: I'd say like... 10,000 to 1?
Kevin: Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds.
Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a
Dwight: Michael's up on the roof and he's acting strange!
Michael: Oooooh, my life!
Dwight: Michael! What's wrong?
Michael: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.
Dwight: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee.
Michael: And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!
Jim: Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part.
Angela: This is just offensive.
Ryan: At least we're outside.
Creed: [zipping up his pants] Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a castle over there.
Jim: Oh my God, there
Dwight: No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the castle, Michael.
Michael: Damn it.
Pam: Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump.
Jim: Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself.
Pam: Yeah...
Jim: Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Pam: Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it.
Michael: What is it?
Pam: Come down and... open it and you'll see.
Michael: Dwight, find out what the present is.
Dwight: Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing.
Jim: Dwight...
Pam: Dwight, what are you-
Dwight: Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan.
Michael: Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?
Darryl: Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself.
Michael: You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.
Darryl: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.
Michael: What do I have to live for?
Darryl: A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right?
Michael: It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it. I- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.
Michael: I'm braver than you?
Darryl: Way
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.
Michael: An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.
Andy: When people think of Andy, they think of hate and anger. When people think of Drew, they think of baked goods.
Kelly: Oh my God, these cookies have no flavor. How is that possible?
Kevin: They are the worst. Who's this Drew chick?
Phyllis: Drew isn't a girl... She's Andy.
Andy: Oh no, nobody likes my cookies. I'm so angry, argh I want to hit something. [laughs] Totally kidin' guys.
Andy: Little device I learned to diffuse tension, be the first to make fun of yourself, because if they make fun of you before you do... Then you might lose your mind.
Kevin: [pours the last of the coffee into his mug]
Andy: Ahhh... Is that the last of it?
Kevin: I'm sorry.
Andy: It's OK. I can't always have what I want, but I can always want what I have.
Kevin: Well, would you like a cup of no coffee? 'Cause that's what we have.
Andy: Is it fresh? [winks]
Kevin: Are you going to beat me up?
Andy: Umm... [draws back arm] No. [laughs]
Andy: People don't need to be afraid of me. I can't achieve anger any more, and I have a new car. Toyota Prius, because Andy didn't care about fuel efficiency, but Drew has seen 'An Inconvenient Truth'. Nearly twice.
Angela: [walks around Andy's new car keying it]
Michael: OK, come on everybody, go time. Pam let's go.
Pam: I thought I'd stay and answer the phones.
Michael: Don't worry Pam, you will be answering phones for the rest of your life... Your long lovely life. [whispers to camera] saved it.
Michael: Here we go.
Dwight: Come on.
Michael: Field Trip.
Dwight: Step lively. Single file everybody.
Michael: Like we're going to the science museum.
Dwight: Let's single...
Michael: Learn by touching.
Dwight: Single... OK.
Michael: I've been told that I'm a tactile learner.
Dwight: Buddy system, everyone buddy up, find a buddy.
Kelly: You should work out Ryan, you would look so hot.
Ryan: Totally, we should both work out.
Kelly: Screw you.
Michael: Kelly, Ryan looks great. You should be thankful that you...
Larry: Sir, could you please, please focus on Darryl?
Michael: I...
Larry: Try.
Darryl: Summing up.
Michael: Sum it up Darryl, sum it up.
Michael: We got beat today, Dwight.
Dwight: [sighs]
Michael: But it was not a fair fight.
Dwight: No it was not. Remind me again, what was the fight exactly, who was it between, and what was the outcome?
Michael: It was the warehouse guys...
Dwight: Right.
Michael: ... Dwight, they embarrassed us...
Dwight: Argh!
Michael: ... because they had a much scarier safety presentation.
Dwight: Ghaaa!
Michael: You know what's funny? Robin Williams. [sighs] When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what's not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. [in Borat voice] Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five... Now that's funny.
Michael: How do you make depression sexy? How do you... How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon... the conun... the conumbery
Michael: Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I'm going to show them that we have nerfs of steel. [winks]
Andy: [Michael, Andy, and Dwight are standing around a trampoline] You know guys, I recently learned some pretty cool stuff about the difference between feeling something and... acting on that thing.
Dwight: Can you tell Andy to focus on the springs? Please.
Michael: Yeah, Drew.
Andy: Yes bosses.
Michael: You know Drew, why don't you go inside. Dwight come here. Where should we put this?
Dwight: OK, ahh, turn around, and do a broad jump for me on go. Ready... Go! One Mississ... OK, you went that far on one Mississ. Ippi would take you to here. This trajectory times the propulsion from your quadriceps would be about three Mississippi, maybe three and a quarter. So one Mississ... correct... ippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... e. Right here.
Michael: OK, good. Thank you. Wanna take our time, do this right.
Phyllis: [phone rings] Hello? Hi Bob Vance. [laughs]
Karen: That's three times in ten minutes.
Stanley: Where's my five dollars?
Phyllis: You are my little teddy bear. I wantcha.
Stanley: I always knew my co-workers were annoying. I never realized I could profit from it. Go ahead Bob Vance, call Phyllis, all day.
Andy: [Michael is up on the roof of the building] Michael, go ahead, we're listening.
Michael: I'm going to wait. I don't want to say this twice, it's too painful and I'm too depressed.
Creed: [talking through bullhorn] Michael, you can not fly, you can not, I've seen this too many times.
Kelly: Give me that thing, I want to try.
Jim: Oh, you know what we should probably preserve the batteries.
Kelly: I was just going to say that [yells toward Michael] you have a cute butt. Oh my God I did not just say that, did I just say that? Oh my God I'm so adorable.
Angela: I know the timings bad, but I hate to be a nudge, but there's stuff that he has to sign that needs to be mailed by four.
Dwight: OK, if he's not down by four, I'll get the papers up to him.
Angela: OK, it's three forty eight.
Jim: OK, Ryan you know what? You can do this.
Ryan: Oh, no, I have no training in this sort of thing.
Jim: Come on.
Stanley: Don't play dumb, you know damn well what we talking about.
Jim: Come on. He'll listen to you.
Everyone: Come on Ryan.
Angela: Let's do it.
Dwight: Come on pretty boy.
Ryan: Michael, you have always taken a great interest in my career.
Michael: I will miss you the most Ryan.
Ryan: Oh, what is your deal man!? Seriously I don't get it.
Andy: Let me borrow that chief. Michael, you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. So don't jump just to prove anything to us. OK? That said, if you need to prove something to yourself, you should jump.
Jim: Oh!
Andy: Up to you.
Jim: No no no!
Andy: If you do jump, I want you to reach for the sky.
Pam: Hey!
Jim: OK. careful, thanks. [takes bullhorn from Andy]
Andy: Grab a comet and kiss the moon! Kiss it!
Kevin: See this is why you always take ten thousand to one. You never know.
Darryl: You own a convertible. Come on man that's, that's hot. Women love that stuff right?
Dwight: It's only leased, and it's got rust damage, he'll never get his deposit back.
Michael: Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog the bounty hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. [takes deep breath] Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today... And you don't worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat... And there are no roofs in coal mines.
Andy: [in parking lot] Goodnight Stanley. [sees his car is keyed, just nods his head]


Jim: [Dressed as Dwight] It's kind of blurry. [puts on his glasses] That's better. [exhales] Question. What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought-
Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Bears do not- What is going on- What are you doing?!
Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven dollars.
Dwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: ... MICHAEL!
Dwight: Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!
Pam: [on phone] Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?
Jim: [on phone] Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this.
Phyllis: [on phone] I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this.
Stanley: [on phone] I am upset. Don't I sound upset?
Michael: [on phone] It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper.
Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.
Michael: Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.
Dwight: Cri-Man-Squa?
Michael: Crisis Management Squad.
Ryan: F and C, doubletime?
Michael: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael: To save time, Jim.
Karen: Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.
Michael: You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?
Creed: Here.
Michael: Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
Creed: Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
Michael: We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.
Oscar: That's really not our job.
Michael: Midnight, Oscar!
Angela: Kelly's training us?
Kelly: This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This
Angela: [getting a pill from the bottle] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.
Michael: Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.
Jim: Yeah, I gotta call out on that.
Michael: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.
Jim: All right.
Michael: I want you to bring a partner.
Ryan: I'll go.
Michael: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go.
Andy: [English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.
Jim: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.
Michael: No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Dwight: Yes! You are entering the 'No Spin Zone!'
Pam: We're having a press conference?
Michael: No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Dwight: Not! [scoffs]
Michael: Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.
Michael: I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.
Jim: Oh, did the press ask for a story?
Michael: Here
Creed: Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.
Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.
Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. [Kelly and Kevin clap]
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say 'Customer Service, this is Kelly!' Except don't say 'Kelly,' say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Kevin: Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate?
Kelly: [in accent] Absolutely!
Kevin: [in accent] 'ello, mate!
Kelly: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
Kevin: [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.
Andy: Beer me!
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say 'Beer me.' Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name?
Jim: You know her name.
Andy: Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. [takes swig of water] Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'?
Jim: It's fine.
Andy: Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.
Jim: What about music? Do you have any music?
Andy: Uh, yeah. Should have said so. [sings] Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa-
Jim: I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD.
Andy: Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.
Andy: So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?
Jim: Did that
Andy: Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation.
Andy: Whoa! What the- Why is my girlfriend here?
Jim: Oh, is she that teacher in the white?
Andy: No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Jim: Which one... is she?
Andy: The one in the green hoodie.
Jim: Wow.
Andy: I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something?
Jim: No, I don't think so.
Andy: She's like, probably a tutor.
Jim: Nope.
Andy: She probably a t-
Jim: No.
Andy: Sh-
Jim: No.
Michael: OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
Dwight: On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.
Dwight: First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow, I need this beet right now.' Those are the money beets.
Dwight: [Chad Lite walks in the door] [to Office workers] Hey! [snaps twice] Look sharp! [to Chad Lite] Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.
Chad Lite: Hi, uh-
Dwight: And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.
Chad Lite: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, 'Lighter Side of Life.'
Dwight: And 'Breaking Corporate News.'
Chad Lite: And obits.
Dwight: Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance.
Chad Lite: Oh...
Dwight: Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?
Chad Lite: Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh-
Dwight: [shuts door on him] Great.
Jim: Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a
Andy: Jamie!
Jim: Andy- Ohh...
Andy: What are you doing here?
Jamie: Andy?
Andy: Are you a student here?
Jamie: Oh... yeah...
Andy: You never told me you were in high-school!
Jamie: This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish.
Andy: OH MY GOD!
Jim: Oh my God.
Andy: I had no idea.
Jim: Well... that's not gonna hold up in court.
Andy: Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Kevin: [on phone] Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am
Oscar: [on phone] Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale.
Angela: [on phone] Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. [hangs up]
Kelly: OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing
Creed: When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Dwight: Emergency dentist appointment.
Creed: Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.
Pam: Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye.
Barbara: Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Michael: Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.
Michael: And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.
Dwight: [snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this.
Michael: So, let us consider this matter ended.
Barbara: Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I- I could have lost business.
Michael: I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.
Barbara: I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Michael: Well, we are extremely sorry.
Barbara: I don't accept.
School Official: I'll be with you in a moment.
Jim: All right.
Andy: Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.
Jim: Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony.
Andy: But who
Jim: Probably
School Official: The issue with the watermark is very serious.
Jim: Absolutely.
School Official: We teach our students that character counts.
Jim: And you should.
School Official: But-
Andy: [scoffs] Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a
Jim: Andy... is having a
Andy: I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words-
Jim: Good luck.'
Andy: That's not what I had in mind.
Kelly: Ask where he's from.
Angela: [on phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? [to Kelly] He's upset about the watermark.
Kelly: OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry.
Angela: [on phone] It was an unfortunate error.
Kelly: And you're sorry.
Angela: ...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Kelly] I think he had Tourette's or something!
Michael: We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.
Barbara: Well, it- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me.
Michael: The watermark... it's a one time thing.
Barbara: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Michael: OK...
Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
Michael: What... can I do, for you?
Barbara: I, for starters, I think that you should resign.
Michael: Well... [exhales] OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill-
Barbara: You're the head-
Michael: The guys at the papermill- No no no!
Barbara: You're the head of the company!
Michael: I'm
Barbara: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility-
Michael: No, I'm a regional manager-
Barbara: And so you should lose your job!
Michael: No- my- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!
Barbara: Fine.
Michael: That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: It's non-transferable...
Michael: Doesn't matter. Out please!
Barbara: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.
Michael: Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that?
Chad Lite: Everything.
Michael: We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not...
Pam: It's just the Scranton Times...
Michael: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...
Pam: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
Michael: You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for?
Pam: Yes.
Pam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch.
Michael: [Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair] OK, I think that's good.
Michael: Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.'
Dwight: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Michael: That's how devoted I am to this job.
Dwight: I'm just saying...
Michael: I know.
Dwight: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
Michael: I understand that, Dwight.
Dwight: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.
Michael: Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?
Dwight: Cut.
Michael: So I'll know where-
Pam: Cut.
Michael: I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
Pam: Cut.
Michael: OK, ready?
Angela: Kevin, what's four plus seven?
Kevin: [thinks] Eleven.
Angela: Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form.
Kevin: Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial.
Oscar: [laughs] Yes. [air high five]
Angela: You two are apes.
Oscar: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.
Angela: I'm sorry... that you're both morons.
Kevin: Oh, but you still said 'I'm sorry.'
Angela: I called you morons.
Kevin: Still said it.
Oscar: Still said it, so... [Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five]
Michael: Five, four, three. 'There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.'
Pam: One day for what?
Michael: That's... they always give an ultimatum.
Pam: OK.
Michael: Good, cut?
Pam: Cut. That was your best apology video ever.
Michael: Thought so too.
Creed: [to Dwight] Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children.
Creed: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic.
Jim: You want music?
Andy: I don't care.
Jim: Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right.
Andy: Yeah.
Jim: [singing the intro to The Lion King's 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy: You know what- I don't-
Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy: [Joins in with classic Andy falsetto] Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy: Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy: Sweet.
Dwight: [walks in dressed as Jim] Pam.
Pam: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight: [scoffs] Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.
Karen: Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp.
Dwight: Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim: Do you?
Karen: No.
Jim: OK.
Karen: I'm good. Thanks.
Jim: [Dwight imitates the 'Jim face'] Look at that.
Dwight: I'm Jim Halpert. [more horrible 'Jim faces']
Jim: Spot on.
Dwight: Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.
Kelly: Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day.
Ryan: Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day.
Michael: The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don't act fast, you will lose customers.
Dwight: Hello, CNN? I need to speak to your Scranton-area bureau chief? All right, then the bureau chief for the Greater Wilkes-Barre area? How about, ah, Lackawanna County. Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania then. This is extremely urgent! No... you put
Kelly: Customer service isn't like accounting. It's not just typing numbers into a calculator and then it tells you an answer.
Oscar: We do a lot more than that.
Kelly: Okay, or hand out checks, or whatever it is you do. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you think that people don't like you. But guess what, from now on you guys are not losers! So give yourselves a round of applause.
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer phone calls.
Kelly: The annex rocks. All you need to do is make sure that you make a connection with the customer. They just wanna know that you're sorry. Do that and you'll be fine. Make sense?
Angela: Mm-hm.
Kelly: Okay, role-playing time!
Angela: Alright, I think I'm trained.
Kevin: Ooh, can I be a pirate?
Creed: [hums]
Chad Lite: Hello.
Creed: Hey!
Chad Lite: Excuse me. You're Creed Bratton, guitar player for Grass Roots in the late 1960s.
Creed: I am indeed. How'd you know that?
Chad Lite: I wrote your obituary.
Creed: Oh, oh that's right! Good work. Thank you very much, sir [shakes hand].
Creed: About 10 years ago, for tax reasons, I faked my own death. I've been collecting benefits as my own widow ever since.
Andy: Oh, my God!
Jim: Oh, my God! Wow.
Andy: I had no idea.
Jim: Then you did nothing wrong. We should go.
Andy: How could I not have realized?
Jim: She looks older.
Andy: Yeah, she does, doesn't she?
Jim: No.
Andy: She acts older, too. She knows everything about European history, and photosynthesis, and she made me this lanyard with, like, a Fimo clay thing. She's a real Renaissance woman.
Jim: Or a high school girl. Let's go [mouths 'wow' to the camera].
Andy: Chicken pot pie.
Jim: What's that?
Andy: That's what I was eating, in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for dinner. And I got out of the car to shake the crumbs off my shirt, and this smoking hot woman comes up and we strike up a conversation.
Jim: Oh. You don't have to tell me this.
Andy: She lets me buy her and her friends some wine coolers for a dinner party she's going to.
Jim: You shouldn't be talking about that.
Andy: I threw in some scratch tickets, 'cause generous guy, and next thing you know we're making out in the woods.
Jim: Hypothetically. Hypothetically you were making out in the woods.
Andy: No, we were really making out in the woods.
Jim: No, can't help you now.
Andy: I gotta go talk to her.
Jim: No. D-
Michael: With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you're sorry. They're like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective.
Michael: So we're good?
Barbara Allen: No, we're not.
Michael: I'm sorry.
Barbara Allen: Well, okay. But I don't accept.
Dwight: [whispering] Say you're sorry times infinity...
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: ...'cause there's no comeback for that.
Michael: All right. We are infinitely sorry.
Barbara Allen: I'm still furious.
Michael: You understand? You... you get this check.
Barbara Allen: Mmm.
Spanish Teacher: Can I help you?
Andy: Yeah. I'm Mr. Bernard Johnson, MD. I'd like to talk with Jamie about a certain heart condition. Diagnosis: broken.
Jamie: Get out of here, Andy.
Andy: Who's this guy?
Jamie: My boyfriend.
Andy: You're such a liar.
Spanish Teacher: Sir? You need to get out of here, before I call the police, okay?
Andy: Yeah, maybe you should call the police. See whose side they take. Warning, most cops are dudes.
Jim: Dr. Johnson, we need you in surgery right away.
Spanish Teacher: What?
Dwight: I don't believe in apologies. When someone in the yakuza makes a mistake, they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger. And in that way, save face. And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger. With a knife you can take out of it, or a screwdriver or a corkscrew.
Angela: Why am I getting all of the bad ones?
Kelly: Why can't you just say you're sorry and make them feel better?
Angela: I'm not gonna lie and say I'm sorry when the company didn't do anything wrong. That's immoral, and this is ridiculous.
Oscar: Would you, please? Please.
Kelly: Well, you have to do what I say, okay? Because Michael put me in charge, even though you're old enough to be my mother.
Angela: What? Well what you say is stupid, and your job is pointless. And you're a slut and everyone thinks so.
Kelly: Well, you're fired, okay? Go back to accounting, Angela.
Angela: Gladly. I quit.
Kevin: If cartoon characters didn't have sex, then how would we get new cartoon characters? From the sex! [giggles]
Michael: The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she's not our customer anymore.
Pam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. My favorite is the one for his mother.
Michael: Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out.
Pam: My personal favorite is the one he made for his condo association.
Michael: And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you'd be the weirdos.
Jim: Okay, Andy, we need to go. Seriously.
Andy: Dude, there she is. Don't look, don't look. She's sitting with Denise. How am I supposed to do this? Denise hates me.
Jim: Don't do it.
Andy: What is your problem, man? Can't you support a bro? That's why you don't have any friends, Tuna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I need...
Jim: That's okay.
Andy: ...your help. I love her.
Jim: What?
Andy: Yeah. I lo- I love her. Is this what love is? This, like, horrible feeling in my stomach?
Jim: No, that's your conscience. Listen to it.
Andy: Look, okay, just be my wingman. Beer me five minutes. Talk to Denise. She's really into White Russians and whippets.
Andy: Jamie, can I talk to you for a second?
Jamie: Yeah. I only have a minute.
Jim: [sits down next to Denise] So, high school.
Denise: Do you have a cigarette?
Jim: Oh, I don't smoke. Sorry.
Denise: There's nothing to do in this town.
Jim: You should take up a musical instrument.
Denise: Yeah, I should take up that. Jamie?
Jim: Hey, uh, does Mr. Nortman still teach here? He's a jerk, right?
Denise: He's dead. Hey, do you have any weed?
Jim: No, nope. What else? What else? You watch The Hills? What is Heidi thinking?
Denise: How old are you?
Jim: How old do you think I am?
Denise: Forty?
Jim: [shakes head]
Denise: Are you someone's dad here?
Jim: Not that I know of.
Denise: Ew. What kind of car do you have?
Jim: I drive a Saab station wagon.
Denise: My dad just gave me his old Lexus.
Jim: Really? Way to earn it. Hey, Andy?
Andy: What?
Jim: Yup.
Dwight: Very well [hangs up phone]. I just got a call from Debbie Brown over at the mill. She claims innocence and is willing to come over here and defend herself.
Creed: No time. Dwight, I love Debbie Brown. She's a close personal friend. But quality is my life. This company has a reputation to uphold. As much as it pains me, someone has to be held accountable.
Dwight: You're right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down.
Michael: Are we ready?
Dwight: Final touch-ups.
Michael: Okay. Am I shiny?
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: Okay. We good? Okay, that's enough Aqua Net.
Dwight: I don't know...
Michael: [clears throat] Stop it.
Dwight: [coughs]
Kelly: Hey, Angela. I'm sorry that I said you were old enough to be my mother. I don't know why I said that. I think I might be hypoglycemic or something, but still, it's no excuse. So, I'm very sorry.
Angela: Oh. Thank you, Kelly [long pause]. And I wish I hadn't called you stupid.
Kelly: Do you think I'm a slut?
Angela: No, but some of your outfits are not appr-
Kelly: Apology accepted! [hugs Angela]
Angela: I didn't apologize.
Kelly: We're like best friends now!
Angela: We're not.
Kelly: I'll text you!
Angela: Don't!
Kelly: Bye, Angela!
Angela: Fine.
Kelly: That is all I was looking for today. She got something out of my training session. I mean, she will never work in customer relations. Oh, my God, no. Never. But maybe she'll be less of a grump.
Angela: Kelly's not so bad. She really taught me something today [rolls eyes].
Michael: I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign.
Dwight: ...to the fullest extent of the law [hangs up phone]. Listen up, everyone! I just got off the phone with the mill. Final responsibility for Watermark-gate has been assigned. Floor manager Debbie Brown has officially been terminated. Lets give a big hand to Creed Bratton, without whose earnest and diligent sleuthing this scandal might never have been resolved [claps].
Creed: Just doing my job, guys.


Jim: [to Pam] Hey.
Jim: [Dwight hands Jim a piece of paper] Oh, what's this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim: [reads demerit] 'Jim Halpert, tardiness.' Ugh. I love it already.
Dwight: You've gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions, like, what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: [scoffs] Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits and you'll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh, it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt... in the form of a disciplinary review written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That is correct.
Jim: OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation.
Dwight: What's a dis... what's that?
Jim: Oh, you don't want to know.
Pam: [door opens] Hey, Phyllis. You all right?
Phyllis: I think I just got flashed.
Pam: What? Really?
Phyllis: In the parking lot.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Dwight: [jumps out of his chair and runs for the door] Move!
Jim: OK, I'll call the
Andy: What happened? What can I do to help?
Jim: [on the phone] OK.
Andy: I'll check the web.
Jim: [on the phone] Thank you. [hangs up the phone] The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls.
Pam: [to Phyllis] Can you tell us what happened?
Phyllis: Um... I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out... on the map.
Angela: Phyllis. You're a married woman.
Creed: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?
Creed: If that's flashing, then lock me up.
Pam: [whispering] It's just, like, so creepy.
Ryan: [whispering] Yeah. [Pam and Ryan whispering]
Michael: What's happening?
Pam: Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot.
Michael: Really? Is she OK?
Pam: Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down.
Michael: OK. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher]
Angela: What is so funny?
Michael: Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?
Kevin: I'm guessing not.
Michael: [laughing softly] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it.
Jim: Mm... not really, no.
Pam: It's disgusting and demeaning.
Michael: Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? [everyone glares] OK. [Michael puts his finger through his pant's zipper] He's back! [laughs] OK. Hmm. [babbling with his coat pulled closed] Waagh! [flashes everyone]
Toby: Hey, what's going on? There's a police car in the...
Michael: What? Oh. [makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down]
Toby: What's going on?
Michael: Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh... [laughs]
Toby: I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response.
Michael: Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul.
Toby: I don't think the women in this office -
Michael: Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher.
Toby: I was at a parent-teacher conference.
Michael: Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. [everyone is shocked] [exhales]I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.
Michael: In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me.
Jan: [on speakerphone] Michael, ...
Michael: Huh?
Jan: ...come over after work tonight, OK? I miss your body.
Michael: I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls -
Jan: I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser.
Michael: Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable.
Jan: $300?
Michael: I... uh, well, I don't know.
Jan: You know whatever. Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka, OK? Hunter, are you on?
Hunter: [on speakerphone] You got it, Jan.
Dwight: Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free.
Michael: [exhales] I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house.
Dwight: Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on.
Michael: OK.
Dwight: [lays a folder full of pictures on Michael's desk] There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert.
Michael: This is the last
Dwight: Look at that one.
Michael: Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. [Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand]
Michael: Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say.
Dwight: Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to - Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force.
Jim: [raises hand] Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces?
Dwight: Answer: No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Pam: Phallus?
Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody.
Pam: I don't often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. [small laugh] Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things.
Phyllis: I didn't really get a good look.
Pam: That's OK. I don't feel like answering phones.
Karen: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? [reads memo] 'Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute.' This is ridiculous.
Dwight: Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Karen: Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting.
Dwight: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Pam: [reads memo] 'Sleeves down to the wrists, buttoned-up collars, and muted colors.' Nobody dress like that. [camera pans over to Angela]
Michael: OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that.
Karen: Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect.
Michael: See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?
Dwight: Yes. Did you hear that, Michael?
Michael: No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation.
Jim: Wait a second, how are you qualified for that?
Michael: Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?
Dwight: [eating banana] Mm, less than three.
Michael: That is not current.
Dwight: You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual.
Jim: Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls.
Dwight: Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car.
Michael: You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.
Michael: I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter.
Creed: Are we still discussing this? I say again, what is the big deal?
Michael: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith: I don't remember doing that.
Angela: What a surprise.
Michael: OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight: Alien
Michael: What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. [points to Pam] Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this.
Andy: If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models.
Kevin: Yes, Andy. Then the fashion models could come here and work with me.
Karen: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything.
Karen: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
Michael: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Karen: That - it's the same thing.
Phyllis: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Phyllis: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Michael: Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Angela: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
Michael: I have to know whether you're serious or not.
Dwight: I wish I could menstruate.
Dwight: If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
Karen: Can we just get back to work?
Michael: Ye - OK, yes.
Angela: This is not work talk.
Michael: You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall. [Kelly gasps]
Karen: Frankly, it's kind of insulting. But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car. So... I could do that.
Angela: Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior's section. There are petite adults who are sort of... smaller who need to wear... maybe a kids' size 10.
Michael: OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. [Pam nods] Let's go!
Dwight: Have you finished with the sketch?
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight: Hmm, doesn't seem like the type.
Pam: Uh, Phyllis got a good look.
Dwight: Hmm.
Dwight: [Pam's sketch looks like Dwight with a mustache, but without his glasses] I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide.
Pam: [tires screeching] Oh.
Angela: Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead.
Meredith: Thanks. I know how to drive. [dumps the crumbs from a bag of chips she was eating into her mouth and throws it out the window]
Pam: Oh, yeah. You really shouldn't litter.
Meredith: My car, my rules.
Kevin: Hey, Jim. You wanna go in the women's bathroom?
Jim: No. Thank you, though.
Kevin: You aren't curious?
Jim: Not really. I've seen a bathroom before.
Kevin: Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy.
Jim: I think you mean a girl's
Kevin: [quietly] Yeah. I'm going in.
Jim: Go crazy.
Kevin: [in women's bathroom] Oh... my... God.
Andy: I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today.
Dwight: Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So start hanging these all around the building.
Andy: This guy looks like a real deviant.
Dwight: No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those.
Andy: Aye, aye, Cap'n.
Dwight: More like, 'Aye, aye, General.'
Michael: [Meredith parking the car] I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it - [metal scraping]
Meredith: It's a little too tight. I'm gonna find another spot.
Michael: Many women
Dwight: [marks Scranton with a red pushpin on a map of Pennsylvania and exhales] This is what we
Jim: [in women's bathroom] Well, I stand corrected. This is pretty cool.
Kevin: Yes.
Toby: Hey, uh... where'd you decide to take Karen tonight?
Jim: Anna Maria's.
Ryan: What's the occasion?
Jim: Six-month anniversary. What?
Ryan: Nothing - I think, uh, we all kinda thought you guys were just, like, hooking up.
Jim: No, we've been dating for six months.
Ryan: Uh, she might mention an email that I wrote a while back, um -
Jim: Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend.
Ryan: I figured. It's cool. I don't - I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway.
Michael: All right. Hope nobody's on a diet.
Kelly: Thanks, Michael.
Angela: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish.
Pam: What do you want to dish about?
Michael: Anything you guys want. This is your time. [everyone is silent or continues to eat, Michael exhales] Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese.
Pam: OK. New topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Kelly: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome.
Michael: What, um... what do you think of role-play?
Phyllis: Oh, it can be fun.
Michael: Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.
Karen: It's a pretty common one.
Michael: I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.
Angela: OK. I'm gonna be at the doll store.
Angela: Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.
Pam: Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
Michael: Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Michael: [groans] And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behavior.
Michael: No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.
Pam: Michael, you need to get out of this.
Michael: No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing.
Pam: No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad. [Karen nods and Michael looks like he's about to start crying]
Michael: No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. [sniffing] You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs]
Pam: Read the pros first.
Michael: OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt.
Phyllis: She does have very nice clothes.
Karen: OK, OK. Um, cons.
Michael: Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested.
Pam: What was the last one?
Michael: She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.
Phyllis: No, the one before that.
Michael: I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
Pam: Michael... you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Michael: I'm happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.
Karen: Look, most relationships have their rough patches. You just have to push through it sometimes.
Michael: Yeah, that's smart.
Pam: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.
Michael: That sounds good too. I don't know who's right. I just don't - I don't know. I don't know.
Phyllis: I bet you know. Don't think, just answer. What do you want to do about Jan?
Michael: I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan.
Phyllis: My mom taught me that.
Michael: Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories.
Pam: No one said it has no calories.
Michael: Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. [Kelly sprints inside Victoria's Secret] Come on. Get in here.
Michael: Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.
Kevin: [in women's bathroom] This is so great, huh? We should do this much more often.
Toby: I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time.
Creed: What are you doing in here? This is the women's room.
Kevin: You're in here.
Creed: I pay for that privilege. [goes into stall]
Kevin: [all get up to leave] OK.
Creed: [wearing headphones and speaking loudly] I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly.
Michael: Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.
Karen: Phyllis. What do you think? Too much?
Phyllis: Jim's gonna love it. [Karen giggles]
Pam: I'm kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I don't need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe.
Angela: [in the car] Slower. Slower. Meredith. [Michael's cell phone ringing My Humps] Slow it up.
Michael: Oh. Oh, no. [inhales sharply] It's Jan. What do I do?
Karen: Answer it.
Pam: Don't answer it.
Michael: OK, it stopped.
Kelly: [bang] Whoa.
Meredith: [tires screeching] Crap.
Jim: [snickers at Pam's sketch] That is pretty cool.
Kelly: Michael, you know how to, um -change a wheel, right?
Michael: Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will...
Pam: Here, uh... Meredith? Why don't you put your hazards on.
Michael: Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. [takes off his coat and tosses it aside] There we go! [Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench] Good. Yes, we have the... all right. [tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts]
Pam: I think I've got it.
Michael: Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?
Pam: I don't think we really need that, Michael.
Michael: Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail.
Pam: You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe's already coming in handy. [Meredith honking] Coming!
Andy: Think we'll find him?
Dwight: Yeah, I do. 'Cause justice never rests.
Andy: [pulls a candy bar from his coat pocket] Halvsies?
Dwight: No. Wholesies. [snatches the candy bar]
Andy: Listen, man, I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot.
Dwight: Natch. [bites off a lot of candy bar]
Andy: Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang some of these posters around my neighborhood. Schools, post office, et cetera.
Dwight: You know, I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass. [coughs]
Michael: OK, I am really going to do this.
Pam: Good luck, Michael.
Michael: You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it. [sighs]
Karen: OK, remember, be strong.
Michael: I love you guys. Now I'm getting her voicemail.
Pam: Don't leave a -
Michael: [leaving a message] Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. [Jan walks in] OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later.
Jan: Michael... [clears throat] I was, um... I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I... I just - I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So... [takes Michael's hand] I'm sorry.
Michael: Thank you.
Jan: So... we're good?
Michael: Abso-fruit-ly.
Jan: [cell phone vibrates] Oh. Hold on, I'm sorry.
Michael: No... No...
Jan: One second. Oh! It's from you. Uh, you wanna grab some dinner?
Michael: Yeah.
Jan: OK. [voice on phone] 'It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I want...'
Michael: Maybe some Italian. [voice on phone] '... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -' [Jan takes the phone away from her ear] Chinese? [voice on phone] 'who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy.'
Jan: Oh. [door closes]
Michael: [sighs] Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. 'Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?' You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.
Dwight: [phone rings] Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. It's Jim.
Dwight: Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy.
Jim: No, you're not. I'm looking right at you.
Dwight: Ugh. I'm hanging up.
Jim: Don't. [quietly] I have information about the sex predator.
Dwight: You have information about the sex predator?
Jim: I saw him two minutes ago.
Dwight: Where?
Jim: In the women's bathroom, above the sink.
Dwight: [hangs up and runs to the women's bathroom] Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm. [sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache, removes his glasses and figures it out] PAM!
Jan: So how are you liking the Wall Street Journal subscription?
Michael: Love it.
Jan: Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would?
Michael: Uh, yes, I am.
Jan: Good, good, it's the best business reporting isn't it?
Michael: Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny.
Jan: Wait, wait, what cartoons?
Michael: The a cartoon that goes with each article. This one says Mel Karmazin? I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it.
Jan: [Sigh]
Michael: We should really start recycling.
Jan: Right uh, Michael.
Kelly: Hey, what's going on?
Stanley: Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot.
Kelly: [Screams]
Stanley: Okay, you need to stop that right now.
Bob: Phyllis, you okay? You sure?
Andy: Hey good lookin', what ya got cookin'?
Dwight: I got nothing cooking, it's cooked. It's borscht and its served cold.
Andy: Hey listen, I'm sure everyone's already told you but, your presentation out there, was pretty inspiring stuff. Must be nice being a woman around here, knowing they have a protector in you.
Dwight: If you are trying to kiss my ass, I would not suggest it. Believe me, you do not want to kiss this ass.
Andy: Borscht, according to Dwight it's best served cold. You know what else is best served cold? Yeah, gazpacho. You see what I'm doing? I am establishing a mutual love of cold soups. This is the first step in my plan to win Dwight's trust.
Andy: I should make you my vichyssoise.
Dwight: I will never be your vichyssoise.
Michael: Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep?
Jim: No. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think this is the place to do this.
Michael: Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand.
Kelly: [sings] We're going to the mall. Bye Ryan, bye.
Dwight: Lets go, fall out, let's go. Move, move, move, move, move.
Michael: I got shotgun. Damn it.
Andy: Let me be clear. There's only one thing that's important to me, and its not friendship. Its dominance, and I think I know a thing or two about dominating. Okay, I lived with a dominatrix for three years in Stamford. Mistress Lila. Taught me more than any college professor I ever had, while attending Cornell, which is where I went to school.
Michael: Look at that! Come on! Free underwear!
Pam: It is totally inappropriate, but on the other hand...
Michael: Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit.
Jim: That's pretty cool.
Andy: You can make people believe anything. Today I made Dwight believe I like cold soups. Why? I don't know. I don't have to know. That's what makes me so dangerous.
Michael: Idiot.
Michael: I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves.