Andy: Val, I need the space.
Val: All right guys, clear out.
Andy: Everybody out.
Val: Promise me you're going to clean up.
Andy: I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.
Val: Promise me that-
Andy: Obviously I'm going to clean up.
Andy: Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, 'Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance,' and then you have to be like, 'Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!' And then... we dance. Oh how we dance. [dances to Kenny Loggin's Footloose] Sex also works.
Erin: Hey! Jim's back from jury duty.
Andy: Hey! Tuna! He's back.
Jim: Hey.
Andy: Oh, look at this. [hugs Jim] Tuna wrap.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: [grabs Jim's wrist] Hand roll.
Jim: Yeah.
Phyllis: How was jury duty?
Jim: It was pretty uneventful, actually.
Dwight: Can't believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.
Erin: What was the case?
Jim: Uh, hit and run.
Erin: Ooh, 'the case of the hit and run,' that's exciting.
Phyllis: Did you send him to the slammer?
Jim: Nope. Not guilty.
Dwight: Of course you found him not guilty. [mocking voice] 'Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, mm.'
Jim: We're best friends, actually. We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come.
Dwight: Not coming, have plans.
Jim: Okay.
Jim: I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn't think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened.
Erin: Ah! Angela had the baby!
Kevin: Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious.
Darryl: Why?
Kevin: You know.
Darryl: Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?
Kevin: A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up.
Ryan: Eh, a little bit.
Kevin: Oh, did I win the pool?
Erin: Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.
Oscar: Well no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month.
Erin: We should all go to the hospital and visit her.
Phyllis: Oh, I'd love to but, um-
Jim: Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work.
Oscar: Well Kevin and I have to go, Accounting is its own little family.
Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.
Gabe: Everyone, our very own Angela-
Oscar: We all got the email, some of us are going to go visit.
Gabe: Oh, I am so in.
Gabe: I love maternity wards. It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.
Andy: Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?
Jim: Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so-
Meredith: How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.
Stanley: Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles.
Phyllis: Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.
Jim: Wow, I'm really sorry.
Phyllis: Yeah.
Jim: I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.
Jim: [demonstrating with napkin holder and salt shaker] So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually.
Toby: You know, when I was on j-duty, uh, Strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto's.
Jim: Oh man, Ernesto's. That was our favorite restaurant too.
Toby: You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.
Meredith: Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.
Dwight: I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants.
Oscar: [whispering] Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don't know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It's going to be really tiny, so please don't say anything offensive.
Kevin: Got that, bimbo?
Erin: Got it, bimbo. [Oscar knocks at the door]
Angela: Yes?
Oscar: Knock, knock. Oh!
Kevin: Hi!
Angela: Oh... I don't- I don't want any- what are you guys doing here?
Oscar: We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite.
Senator Lipton: Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.
Kevin: Phillip is so fat.
Oscar: Kevin!
Kevin: You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.
Angela: Hey.
Senator Lipton: Yes, he's substantial.
Erin: He's more than substantial. He's a monster.
Dwight: So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop...
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. [villainous laugh] Busted, Halpert!
Jim: Okay, wait, wait.
Dwight: Yes! Andy, get out here.
Jim: No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you.
Dwight: I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.
Andy: What's up, gangstas?
Dwight: Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
Andy: Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.
Dwight: I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-
Andy: No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.
Dwight: I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill.
Andy: Here, right there. [mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass] Down the hatch.
Dwight: I really don't want to take the chill pill. [mimes taking pill]
Andy: Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.
Dwight: Okay, okay. [sits, exhales] But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?
Andy: Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu. [Jim laughs nervously]
Dwight: That's good enough for me. [exhales again]
Jim: ...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you.
Andy: I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before.
Jim: Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.
Andy: No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?
Jim: No.
Andy: Do you know why you never heard of it?
Jim: No.
Andy: Covered it up.
Jim: Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
Andy: They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.
Andy: My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.
Ernesto: [pulls food truck up to where Dwight and Nate are standing] Where you want I park?
Dwight: Okay, everybody, gather 'round. Got a real special surprise for you. [indicates Ernesto and assistant who are carrying empanadas]
Toby: Ernesto!
Ernesto: Hola Toby! [mimes choking]
Toby: Yeah, hey.
Ernesto: Como esta? [speaks Spanish]
Nate: Uh, I'm going to say 'I' when I'm talking for Ernesto, so instead of 'he says blah, blah, blah,' I'm going to say 'I say, blah, blah, blah,' but that's for him. Anyway, it was something like, 'He remembers Toby.' [makes face] 'I remember Toby.'
Dwight: Okay- oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?
Jim: Uh-
Toby: It's the empanada guy.
Jim: The empanada guy!
Dwight: No, Toby! [bleep] Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. [sighs] Ask him if he remembers Jim. [Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish]
Ernesto: No.
Nate: He says, 'No.'
Dwight: He says, 'No!' Boom!
Andy: Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.
Dwight: Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world. [Ernesto says something in Spanish]
Nate: Ah, he doesn't want any trouble, he sees lots of people, they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.
Jim: Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them.
Creed: Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.
Dwight: Great. And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?
Andy: Why? Everybody's heard it.
Dwight: Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?
Andy: Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there.
Phyllis: Why?
Andy: Why? Why? [looks at Jim]
Jim: Because my car broke down.
Andy: His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse.
Dwight: Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim's house, and then back to the courthouse?
Andy: Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that.
Phyllis: [to Ernesto] I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?
Andy: We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Jim: Well, I think you handled it pretty well.
Andy: I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your [bleep].
Jim: Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth.
Andy: [sighs] I don't even know what the truth is anymore.
Oscar: Wow, it's so... healthy.
Kevin: I'm going to call him Little Kevin.
Angela: No, you will not.
Erin: Is he really five pounds?
Angela: Mm-hmm.
Erin: Because I squat with five pounds. This- [squats, grunts] yeah, this feels like more than that.
Senator Lipton: No, no, no, he's nine pounds, seven ounces.
Angela: Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh. So, what did you bring?
Oscar: Oh yeah, I don't know if it's right, but-
Senator Lipton: Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park.
Angela: Aw, preemie pajamas!
Oscar: Again, it may not be the right size. I can return-
Angela: No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you.
Kevin: I got Little Kevin Call of Duty.
Oscar: This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow.
Jim: Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry, I didn't know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off.
Stanley: What?
Jim: Funny? No? Nobody laughing?
Dwight: [laughs] You're screwed! Oh, it's happening. It's really happening.
Stanley: What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt.
Jim: Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good.
Dwight: Your clients. They're all mine.
Darryl: Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse.
Andy: Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.
Dwight: All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. [puts Jim's things in a box] Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself. [laughs]
Andy: Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim.
Dwight: No, no, no. You said- you said that you were-
Andy: I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. [gives Jim a limp slap]
Dwight: That's it? This is crap! [dumps the box on Jim's desk and leaves]
Gabe: [on voicemail] You've reached Gabe Lewis, I'm currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao. [beep]
Dwight: Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP.
Dwight: I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.
Angela: Shh.
Oscar: Honestly, I can return this for a larger size.
Angela: It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.
Oscar: The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.
Angela: Ah!
Kevin: [giggles] Little Kevin.
Angela: Really?
Oscar: Angela.
Angela: Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago.
Oscar: I knew that, I knew it.
Angela: The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata.
Oscar: Chicken marsala.
Angela: Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock.
Oscar: Mm-hmm.
Angela: And now you all know, but you can never tell. I'm serious.
Oscar: Dwight. Hey.
Dwight: Oh, hey. Have you seen Gabe?
Oscar: He went to the car or something, but he'll be back.
Dwight: Okay. [sits]
Oscar: Don't you want to see the baby?
Dwight: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.
Oscar: I promised I wouldn't tell.
Dwight: So don't.
Oscar: Angela got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight: What?
Oscar: She got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight: How long before?
Oscar: A month. [Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him] You didn't hear it from me!
Dwight: Yes I did.
Angela: Dwight?
Senator Lipton: Dwight.
Dwight: I want to see the baby.
Erin: Oh, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It's not worth it.
Dwight: Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... [whispers] willingly, or as slaves.
Dwight: That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.
Angela: He's hungry.
Senator Lipton: Oh, that's my cue to leave.
Angela: No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover.
Senator Lipton: Still. Still.
Angela: You won't see-
Jim: [to Cece] You want a giraffe?
Jim: Yes, I am brining my kids in to help me get out of this hole. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam.
Pam: Hi. Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here.
Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, game face, baby, game face.
Pam: Oh right, okay. Hey Stanley, it's great to see you!
Jim: Whoa, no, no. That's overdoing it, I think.
Pam: Oh, hi Stanley.
Jim: Split the difference?
Pam: Jim.
Jim: Okay, let's go.
Pam: Hey.
Erin: Hi.
Pam: Hi everybody!
Jim: What?
All: Hi.
Pam: How about a little visit?
Jim: Wow, what a surprise. That's crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers.
Creed: Hey, Angela's back with her baby.
Pam: Yes, well, you guys all know Cece, but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip.
Andy: Aw! You guys. He's licking on my finger, just like my cat does.
Creed: Let me have a turn.
Pam: No, it's the pacifier's turn.
Creed: All right.
Jim: Did you say something about this one bringing in something for these people?
Pam: [gasps] Yes! Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play, so she brought you a little treat.
Phyllis: Cookies?
Pam: No, but that would've been a really good idea.
Jim: That was a great idea.
Pam: No, she brought you drawings.
Jim: Oh my goodness, let's take a look at these. They're usually amazing, so let's see. Yup, they are. Uncle Andy.
Andy: Oh!
Jim: Oh, Aunt Phyllis.
Phyllis: Oh.
Andy: Wow, these are incredible. Cece, did you do these?
Cece: No.
Pam: She says 'no' to everything. You know, she thinks my name is 'No.' Cece, do you want some broccoli?
Cece: Yes.
Pam: No. It's crazy.
Ryan: Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?
Andy: There's cross-hatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a two-year-old.
Kelly: Cece, this is your big sister Kelly. Did you color this pretty picture?
Cece: No.
Kelly: So then this means nothing to you. [rips picture]
Andy: Hey, Cece, why don't you draw another picture for us, exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style?
Jim: You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command. That's very weird. I'll just take that. Thank you. I think we should just wrap up the show, kiddos. Right?
Cece: [cries] Mama!
Pam: Shh.
Jim: I don't know what else we can do here.
Cece: [cries] Mama, mama, mama.
Jim: It's okay.
Pam: Oh, it's okay, sweetie.
Jim: All right, all right. Okay.
Pam: It's okay, honey. [Philip cries] It's okay, it's okay.
Jim: All right, I know, I know. Let's just get this.
Pam: Shh.
Cece: Mama!
Dwight: Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.
Angela: Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.
Dwight: Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?
Angela: That is completely untrue.
Dwight: Completely true. Remember? Angela. No.
Dwight: You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-
Angela: I did not. Uh-uh.
Dwight: -and I said, 'I bet I could fulfill you,' and you said, 'I'd like to see you try,' and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.
Angela: That didn't happen.
Dwight: And then I inserted my penis-
Angela: No! Stop it!
Dwight: Into your-
Angela: Dwight.
Dwight: Vagina and-
Angela: And even if it did, it's just a coincidence.
Dwight: Admit that there is a chance.
Angela: I will not.
Dwight: Admit it. Admit it.
Angela: I will not, it's not-
Senator Lipton: All done?
Dwight: Yeah.
Senator Lipton: Mmm.
Angela: Yes, yes. He's sleeping.
Dwight: Before I go, may I?
Angela: Sure. [gives Philip to Dwight] Watch the head, watch the head.
Dwight: Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.
Nurse: Who are you?
Dwight: I just might be his father.
Nurse: I don't know what that means. We're gonna circumcise him.
Jim: [Philip is crying] I know, buddy, I know. Cece, you want to come? Want to come out?
Cece: No!
Jim: Oh bud, I know. Do you have a pacifier or anything?
Pam: I'm looking, I'm looking for the pacifier.
Jim: Cece!
Pam: Okay, we're going.
Jim: Okay, okay, we gotta go. All right, we're going home, we're going home. We're going home, we're going home. I know, I know, bud.
Pam: Shh, shh, shh.
Jim: I know, I know.
Pam: You want to grab her?
Jim: I'm gonna grab her, okay.
Pam: Here we go, here we go.
Jim: Hi, all right. I'm just going to go down to the car and I'm going to put her in her seat and I'll be right back up.
Stanley: [groans] We'll see you tomorrow.
Jim: No, no, it's okay, I'll be right back.
Phyllis: No, just go home.
Darryl: It's all good, we got this.
Darryl: I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation.
Pam: Jim.
Phyllis: Just go.
Andy: Hey, we'll be just fine.
Jim: Thanks guys. All right, here we go. Let's go.
Andy: Oh, whew!
Andy: Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here.
Dwight: Oh, right. [sighs] The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe.
Gabe: You had something important to tell me?
Dwight: Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant.
Dwight: Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?
Jim: I would love for everyone to just forgive me. But, if that's not happening, I'm not averse to just buying them all off.
Jim: Alright guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind like a ton of black licorice? [points to pile of candy] Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there. So, enjoy it.
Phyllis: Mmm-hmm. Moneybags. Must be nice.
Andy: So you effectively spent what...four dollars on the entire office?
Jim: Uh, I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't...
Andy: You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you-
Jim: [interrupting] Alright. Well, enjoy the red licorice, and good riddance, right? [tosses black licorice into trash]
Darryl: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! So you're just gonna throw away perfectly good food?
Jim: It's not really food, right?
Creed: I'm really hating this Jim guy!
Jim: Ok, ok, ok.
Stanley: I know what you can do Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice, take 'em in your hand, roll 'em up real tight...
Jim: 'And shove it up my butt.'
Stanley: Dammit Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not 'shove it up your butt' it's...I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead!
Darryl: Eat it.
Jim: I'm not gonna eat it.
Darryl: Eat. It.
Jim: I'm not-
Stanley: EAT IT! [Jim begins eating black licorice]
Jim: [on phone] They hate me, Pam.
Pam: They don't hate you.
Jim: No, it's bad. Darryl canceled go-karting...
Pam: When were you going go-karting with Darryl?
Jim: It's a lunch thing.
Pam: Alright. Just don't worry, we'll figure this out.
Jim: I feel like a stranger in my own country.
Pam: Ok, drama.
Jim: Ok. Well, hey, you're not here. You don't know, Ok? It's intense. They made me eat black licorice.
Dwight: I have a recurring nightmare that I've been wrongly accused of a crime and twelve of these idiots are on the jury. Stanley is fast asleep, Kevin eats the evidence, Phyllis's name is Allison but it really is Phyllis, Jim is foreman of the jury and pronounces me guilty. The cop takes me away and tells me that I've been a bad boy and we have sex in the hall. She leaves the handcuffs on. They take me away to prison. The guards are all women. [sighs]
Andy: Everyone, this is Officer Foley from the Scranton PD. Works down at the courthouse. I think he has something he's like to say.
Officer Foley: I understand that some of you don't believe that Mr. Bernard drove his friend into the courthouse for jury duty last week.
Darryl: Correction: we don't care.
Erin: Hey, aren't you an actor?
Andy: No.
Erin: Weren't you in Sweeny Todd last year with Andy?
Officer Foley: Uh, no.
Darryl: You hired your actor friend to come here as a cop?
Andy: That is so offensive and ridiculous. I-
Darryl: So if I started singing 'Down By the Old Mill Stream', you couldn't join me in a three part harmony. [Andy and Officer Foley shake their heads no, Darryl begins singing] Down by the, down by the, down by the...
Andy, Darryl & Officer Foley: [singing] Old mill stream. When I first met you, down by the old mill stream [Andy & Foley hold 'stream']
Darryl: [Low singing] Old, mill, stream.
Andy: Ho hah!...oh, shoot.
Darryl: Mm hmm.


Jim: Oh ho! Look who's back reporting for duty.
Pam: Hey guys!
All: Hey.
Pam: [laughing] Hi.
Andy: Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. [pretends to punch Pam in the stomach] Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Phyllis: Are you glad to be back?
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, I mean I could have used another week, or three.
Stanley: You still had eight weeks more than we did.
Pam: [laughing] Well, it's not exactly a vacation.
Angela: Hello everyone! Remember little old me. Hi!
Dwight: What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder Mifflin...family baby. Four days ago.
Angela: I wanted to come back to work. Not everybody needs some long luxurious Parisian maternity leave. [removes coat]
Pam: What?!
Kelly: Damn girl! Your body!
Oscar: Angela, you look amazing.
Angela: Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros. Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me so I made some treats. I've got brownies and magic cookie bars.
Group: [murmurs of delight as people shuffle toward the treats]
Pam: Oh Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts. You're allergic to walnuts, right Kevin?
Kevin: Extremely, but I'm gonna fight through it.
Pam: Aw. It's OK Angela. I have mommy brain too.
Angela: I don't know what that is, Pam. I made a batch with no nuts, special for you Kevin, right here.
Pam: When did you find time to do all this?
Angela: Babies sleep a lot Pam, if you feed them enough. Brownie Pam?
Pam: Thank you. [takes bite] Oh my gosh. It's really good.
Angela: I wouldn't know, I'm watching my weight. Ugh.
Pam: So you guys, you know what's an even more useful treat...is cash. So-
Jim: Nope. It's over.
Pam: ...we wanted to say thank you-
Jim: Nope. OK.
Andy: Dwight, I have exciting news for you.
Dwight: What?
Andy: I think you're going to like it.
Dwight: You can't tantalize me.
Andy: Oooh, maybe I can. [slowly] I got an email... from corporate...that told me that...
Dwight: OK. [looks at watch and leaves]
Andy: That...[quickly] you got a promotion! [Dwight turns back] Right? I mean that's not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.
Dwight: If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear.
Andy: No, this is legit. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores.
Dwight: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, hi-yes! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Dwight: The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, 'perfect pork anus' which I don't mean.
Erin: And here's the fax for you.
Andy: And here's some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.
Erin: Ah! Love to learn.
Andy: Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.
Erin: So... [points out their matching heart pins]
Andy: Uh yeah, look at that.
Erin: We're pin twins.
Andy: Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift really. Real gifts come later.
Erin: Yeah. That's cute. When I saw it in CVS it made me gag too. [Andy laughs, walks away, Erin throws away her pin]
Erin: For a while there I thought something would change. But nope. Andy's still with Jessica, they even carpool together most days. I don't know, I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy, but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica.
Darryl: What do we have here?
Darryl: Val knit me a beanie. But I can't if it's a 'we're just friends' beanie or a 'I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it poppin'' beanie. So I'm gonna up the ante, give her a clearly romantic gift, and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.
Dwight: Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear, make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded, and join me on a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.
Pam: Really?
Dwight: Mm hm.
Pam: I'll fly anywhere for some good barbeque.
Jim: Ooh, me three.
Dwight: Eh! No plus one's. This is for competent workers only. And don't worry about the cost, Sabre is footing the bill.
Pam: Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?
Dwight: God, you're such a spy.
Darryl: [clears throat] Notice anything different about me?
Val: You're wearing the beanie. You like it?
Darryl: Super comfortable. Like sweatpants for my head.
Nate: I love it too Val. It's it's really itchy, uh but to be fair my head is constantly itching so I can't really peg it on the hat.
Darryl: [noticing all the warehouse workers wearing homemade beanies] Wow. It's like the nation of Islam down here.
Val: I like to knit, don't hate. And who's that for?
Darryl: Oh, this is a gift, for...my man Nate here.
Nate: What?
Darryl: Yeah.
Nate: Darryl, you shouldn't have.
Darryl: Hey.
Nate: Can I open it?
Darryl: No, no, no. Maybe just later.
Nate: Ah, I can't wait. I'm sorry. I get too excited. [opens gift] Darryl.
Val: Wow. Those are really nice.
Nate: They're so elegant.
Val: Cashmere.
Nate: How'd you know?
Darryl: Just a hunch. Your gift is on the way.
Val: Can't wait.
Nate: [reading card] 'I'm glad you're in my life. Happy Valentine's Day.' Ugh, Darryl. I am glad to be in your life too. Oh, your card is more beautiful than the gloves.
Dwight: My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People who'll help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who won't be missed. We don't need idiots, good for nothing's, methheads or... What's your name?
Kathy: Kathy.
Dwight: Kathy.
Jim: I just got a text from Robert California that says 'bring your clubs to Florida'.
Pam: Why? Does he think you're going to Florida?
Jim: I hope not. [laughs] Because I am not going. Two question marks?
Pam: No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive. You know it's like wha-what?? Just do one.
Andy: You wanna take Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?
Dwight: Yes.
Andy: Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?
Dwight: Oh my god.
Andy: They're not expendable exactly, I just can't...I can't think of the word I'm trying to find.
Dwight: Are you kidding me?! I'm supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? We'd never get off the runway.
Andy: Alright, look. I gotta keep this office functioning somehow. So, I have put together a list, here's your team. Darryl and Phyllis you can have, but you're also taking Kathy, Kelly and Kevin.
Dwight: Oh god.
Andy: You have your team.
Dwight: Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.
Pam: Well, let's hear it.
Jim: 'Robert, Hey!' Exclamation point.
Pam: I like it so far.
Jim: 'Got your text, awesome idea. Let's hit the links next time you're in PA' Dash JH.
Pam: It's perfect. You emphasized the golf, completely omit the Florida.
Jim: Yeah, it's a golf text.
Pam: Total golf text. Send it.
Jim: Duh- Wait. I just feel weird. I should just call him.
Kelly: You wanna call someone? That texted you!? Do you wanna drive them away? I mean, ugh.
Darryl: [on phone] This is Darryl.
Bob: Oh, sorry I asked for the main shipping number. I just need the address for the warehouse? I want to send my girlfriend some flowers.
Darryl: Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?
Bob: Yeah, do you know her?
Darryl: We're friends. We're friends.
Bob: Cool. Um, so can I get that address or...?
Darryl: Yeah sorry, I'm just looking for a pen.
Bob: Why do you need a pen?
Darryl: Back off! I got my reasons.
Dwight: May I have your attention please? Could Kathy, Darryl, Phyllis, Kevin and Kelly please join me in the conference room immediately?
Kelly: Why?
Dwight: Oh, no big deal. It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three week all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida.
Kelly: Hell yeah.
Stanley: What?!
Dwight: Oh, I'm sorry Stanley, I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Meredith: Wait. Kathy gets to go? Uh, why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
Oscar: It just feels like a slap in the face.
Dwight: I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
Oscar: We're not questioning his reasons. I just wanna know what they are.
Dwight: I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kinda random to me, but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Kevin: Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's gotta take off his cape.
Dwight: Good point. But we're gonna be working pretty hard until five PM. After that it's gonna be beach volleyball, trips to Cape Canaveral, and sea kayaking with Gloria Estefan.
Ryan: What are the criteria for going?
Dwight: It might be innate goodness versus innate badness? But there's an easy way to find out. [knocks on Andy's office door] Oh Andy, gotta few questions for you.
Andy: Mooshie mooshie. [Dwight laughs]
Dwight: Uh, the Florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked and maybe you could just clarify?
Andy: Well uh...well the deliberations were confidential so...I feel like we should respect that.
Stanley: Respect it? You're trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson.
Kevin: Hey!
Angela: Ok, it's obvious Andy picked the people that are least important to the office.
Kelly: Important? Oh because you and your enormous monster baby are so important to the branch.
Angela: My baby is not a monster!
Dwight: Hey. Be proud of your enormous monster baby. I was once an enormous monster baby.
Andy: Guys. Guys. Guys. Come on, seriously? We cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys!
Ryan: Stop calling us 'guys'.
Andy: I use the word 'guys' a lot when I'm nervous...guys.
Andy: Guys! Guys! Guys!
Group: Stop it!
Andy: Guys..
Ryan: Stop. Stop it Andy.
Oscar: ...Andy.
Andy: Dudes...the dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me.
Dwight: OK hey. I specifically remember there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.
Andy: Wha-
Stanley: If anybody's going to Florida, it should be me. Every shirt I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama. I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice.
Andy: OK, I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly, so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida, I'm happy to hear you out.
Dwight: Great idea! So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida and Andy and I will listen to it.
Andy: No. That is a ridiculous waste of time.
Kelly: For you maybe.
Andy: Five to six hours?
Dwight: Three to four hours.
Andy: No no no no.
Dwight: Two to three hours...
Andy: Nope.
Dwight: Come up with a statement in the next hour...
Andy: Thirty minutes!
Creed: I'm out.
Pam: Ok, read it back to me.
Jim: [reading text] Robert, great offer. Wish I could hit the links with you in Florida but a father of a newborn really should be helping out his wife any chance he gets.
Pam: Good. Doesn't sound pushy...you're just stating a fact.
Erin: Absolutely. Works for me.
Jim: Ok, sending.
Pam: Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning.
Jim: Really did [Text bleep] He responded L-O-L.
Erin: [laughs exaggeratedly]
Phyllis: I have a new swimsuit I need to break in...
Meredith: I am...
Dwight: I have already picked my team: Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby and that is the team that I am taking. What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence? Well, that's all Baltzer Gladfielder had and no one eats owls for Thanksgiving.
Ryan: You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor, you need one of us there.
Andy: Or both?
Ryan: Not both. Just one, me. Or if not me, Kelly. Ideally me. Again, youth knowledge. That's what you get when you put Ryan Howard on your special project team...or Kelly Kapoor. Again, not both. Thanks.
Andy: Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that.
Dwight: Mm-hm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show, no meat.
Kevin: Because I feel like that I'm in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport? Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something...
Dwight: Ok. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.
Andy: Thank you.
Kevin: When do we leave?
Andy: Thank you.
Toby: It has been a long, lonely winter.
Dwight: Wow. Seasonal effective disorder, AKA: sad. That sounds like a very real thing, Toby.
Toby: It is real, thank you for saying that.
Andy: Yeah, wow. It's almost like we're not all experiencing the same winter?
Stanley: Florida Stanley smiles. Florida Stanley is happy to go to work. Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team.
Dwight: Maybe it's what she does here...
Andy: Well...
Erin: Hey guys, any spots left?
Andy: Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?
Erin: I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.
Dwight: You know I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality.
Erin: Either or. But if you can find someone to fill in, I would love to go.
Andy: Well it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in..
Erin: Really? Oh, great. Good, ahem, good.
Jim: Now, is it too dark to say that Cici's having an operation?
Pam: I think you need to go to Florida.
Jim: I think you're right.
Pam: It's only for three weeks, you know with my mom and sister at the house it'll be..
Jim: Total nightmare.
Pam: I was going to say good because I'll have all the help I need?
Jim: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're incredibly helpful, you're lucky to have them. I mean with them there, you probably won't even know I'm gone.
Pam: Exactly.
Dwight: Well, [Jim enters] No! No! Absolutely not! You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Andy?
Andy: Tuns, I'm really sorry. You're too essential to the operation here, I can't let you go.
Dwight: I wouldn't say that...it's a bit much.
Jim: You know Dwight, if you didn't want me to go the smart move would be to tell Andy that I actually am essential to the operation. That way I couldn't go.
Dwight: Jim is essential to th-
Jim: Hold on, just wanna get it on camera. [holds up cellphone]
Dwight: Andy, Jim is just too...essen-...
Jim: Essential.
Dwight: This is stupid! Cut.
Jim: Alright, I'm gonna pack my trunks.
Dwight: He doesn't even want to go.
Jim: Well, I got a text from RC inviting me to come down so I think that's gonna make us roomates.
Dwight: Oh my god.
Jim: Hey, quick question: Do you shower at night or in the morning? Cause I wanna shower when you're showering. Save some water.
Andy: OK, listen up everyone, here's who's going to Florida: Kathy..
Dwight: What?
Andy: '.Stanley..
Dwight: No.
Andy: ...Ryan...
Dwight: No!
Andy: ...Erin...
Dwight: (Bleep)
Andy: ...And, Jim.
Dwight: You've gotta be (bleep)-ing kidding me. Ok. Ok, Florida group, welcome to the team. [goes into conference room and slams door] AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Dwight: Let's go, step it up you runts. You infants, let's move.
Stanley: Why is it so hot in here?
Dwight: Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice temperate Florida morning. Eighty-five degrees, seventy-five percent humidity. This is the exact environment you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life. Welcome to special projects orientation. The next three weeks of your life are gonna be the most miserable you've ever faced. They're gonna be hard, they're gonna be dirty. You're gonna wish you were dead.
Ryan: But...
Dwight: But? There's not buts. That's it. You'll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed, you wanna stay here?
Ryan: No no, I want to go.
Dwight: Cause if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell. [holds up Taboo buzzer]
Jim: Is that the buzzer from Taboo?
Dwight: SHUT UP MAGGOT! YOU DON'T WANT TO GO, RING THE BELL! RING IT! Ring it.
Dwight: How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?
Stanley: How did a mosquito get in here?
Dwight: I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room, just temporarily. When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes. [Frog in plastic cage ribbits]
Dwight: Yes, when he brushes your soft supple cheeks with his worn leathery hands and says 'I'm gonna make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblatt' unless you ring this bell. Ring it! Ring the bell. You wanna spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? Huh? Do you? Ring it! Wha-, [Jim slaps Dwight's forehead] oh. What was that?
Jim: Mosquito.
Dwight: [Sighs and grunts] Orientation is over.
Nate: Oh Darryl, hey.
Darryl: Hey what's up? You called?
Nate: Yeah, you know I, I felt really terrible that you got me these lovely gloves and I didn't get you anything...
Darryl: It's cool really.
Nate: No, it's anything but cool. Now I haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but uh, here goes. [Hands Darryl pink slips of paper]
Darryl: 'This coupon entitles you to one free tickle monster attack'
Nate: Yeah, they're Nate coupons. Or Nate-pons. And they're all different. Cash that one in and I will bring you a stick of gum, anytime, any place. I'll find you.
Darryl: Thanks. [to Val] Nice flowers.
Val: Thanks, they're from my mom.
Darryl: Your mom?
Val: Yeah.
Darryl: Uh. So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep voiced woman?
Val: Yeah, that's her.
Darryl: She said her name was Brandon, I think. Your mom's name is Brandon?
Val: [laughs] Yeah Darryl, my mom's name is Brandon.
Darryl: Then I guess I figured out where I stand. This is a love beanie.
Dwight: Ok, Florida team, let's reconvene.
Erin: I'm going to Florida...and I'm not coming back.
Dwight: So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate.
Jim: So, what is this special project?
Dwight: Basically Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.
Jim: That sounds awesome.
Dwight: It did, it did.
Ryan: You know what might be great? Is if instead of a genius bar we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it.
Erin: Yeah. And they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you don't have to carry it around like a dope. Like a coat check. [Dwight writes on whiteboard] Oh, don't write it down unless you like it.
Dwight: Oh, I like it.
Ryan: It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party. So I think our question is: How do we make this a better party?
Dwight: No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other stores look like a toy store.
Ryan: Right. Think different, from Apple.
Jim: Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us?
Dwight: [long pause] Yes. What are my expectations for the group?
Dwight: I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfectinschlag.
Kelly: I don't know how I'm going to live here without you.
Ryan: Me neither. Hey, will you put this coat on my chair? I just realized I'm not going to need it down there.
Kelly: Yes, I will take your coat. And I will keep it with me, and I will sleep with it because it smells like you.
Ryan: No, no, no, no. Just put it on my chair.
Pam: Alright [kiss]
Jim: Bye.
Pam: Bye. Call me when you land.
Jim: I will.
Andy: Safe travels.
Erin: Goodbye for a very very long time.
Andy: Oh, K. It's only three weeks.
Kathy: [On phone] All expenses paid. Yeah, Jim's gonna be there. Their marriage is not good. Nobody knows better than me. Definitely we will. It's three weeks in Tallahassee, what else is there to do?


Dwight: Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late.
Dwight: Wake up! [Cathy screams]
Dwight: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! [Erin kicks him] Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?
Erin: Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.
Dwight: Stanley! Wake up! You've got to wake up, the hotel's on fire!
Erin: Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! [Dwight pinches Stanley's nose and covers his mouth]
Stanley: Mmm! [struggles] Ugh!
Dwight: [lets go] Good morning.
Erin: Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now.
Ryan: Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. [sees Dwight] Oh, not cool!
Jim: I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- [hears door, hides]
Dwight: Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man.
Erin: What do you think happened?
Dwight: Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees 'IT WAS DWIGHT' written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. [Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream]
Jim: Puppet.
Cathy: Cool, for your kids?
Jim: Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before.
Dwight: Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.
Dwight: I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.
Dwight: I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel.
Saleswoman: What does he like?
Dwight: Power.
Ryan: Okay, and this one is, 'Huh. Don't see too many museums around here.'
Dwight: Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car.
Erin: Hey, are you okay?
Dwight: I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming.
Erin: Who says none of us are diarrheal?
Jim: Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you.
Dwight: Very funny, Jim.
Jim: Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, 'For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?' and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something?
Dwight: I'm gonna set your face on fire.
Jim: That's a good one. [a red sports car drives up] Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub?
Stanley: Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod.
Jim: Yes.
Stanley: You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins.
Jim: Loggins and Messina.
Stanley: Did I say 'Messina?' [tires screech]
Andy: Ahh! [laughs] Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet.
Creed: I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today.
Andy: It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... [drops pin] I thought that would be cooler.
Darryl: I loved it.
Meredith: Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet.
Andy: Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it.
Oscar: Can we see that? Did you really find it?
Andy: Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. [chuckles, clicks tongue] In the trash.
Pam: Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail.
Everyone: Oh great. [overlapping chatter]
Kelly: We're screwed.
Pam: There. [phone rings]
Andy: Oh! There we go! Pam?
Pam: Yeah?
Andy: Can you get the phone?
Pam: Well I'm not the receptionist.
Andy: Mm, well, you used to be.
Pam: I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do.
Andy: Phone's ringing.
Kelly: Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. [Andy and Pam silently argue] Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone!
Everyone: Somebody! Answer the phone.
Kelly: Andy, pick up the phone!
Stanley: Get the damn phone.
Meredith: You're the closest one to it.
Andy: Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. [ringing continues] Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?
Jim: Man.
Cathy: How was the drive?
Jim: Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast.
Stanley: Life is short. 'Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.' That's one of my mottoes.
Jim: I would love to hear the other mottos.
Packer: Quick query, Halpert.
Jim: No way.
Packer: Still queer?
Dwight: Packer.
Packer: You can't put me down. Too strong!
Packer: Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-
Nellie: Psst. Say, 'So who's leading this thing, anyway?'
Ryan: So who's leading this thing, anyway?
Nellie: Psst. Say, 'I can't wait to meet him.'
Ryan: I can't wait to meet him.
Nellie: Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader?
Ryan: I-
Nellie: You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, [points to her head] and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. [slow clap] I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. [points to Jim] After you decided I wasn't 'a good fit-'
Jim: It was-
Nellie: Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, 'Yes!' So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?
Cathy: Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.
Nellie: No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.
Cathy: Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter.
Nellie: Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it.
Erin: Yeah!
Nellie: Let me just get the projector working.
Dwight: Uh. [eats antacids]
Jim: You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote.
Dwight: You didn't poison me, it's just stress.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: What is the antidote?
Jim: True love's kiss.
Nellie: Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. [points to Ryan] You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon.
Dwight: I'll do it! I always say, 'You want something done right? Ask Dwight.' Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head. [reaches up, whimpers]
Packer: I can do it.
Dwight: Mmm! [screams, pulls down screen] There we go.
Dwight: [on phone] Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. [to Jim] What kind of poison did you use?
Jim: Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding.
Dwight: Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. [sees chart on screen] Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed.
Nellie: Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. [winks]
Emergency Operator: Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?
Dwight: Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.
Packer: I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time.
Nellie: Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual.
Packer: Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense.
Dwight: You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter.
Packer: Did you say 'masturbator?'
Dwight: I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.
Nellie: Why are you sitting down like that?
Dwight: Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over!
Jim: Wow. Are you that bored?
Stanley: It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate.
Jim: Is that another motto?
Stanley: It's whatever you want. [offers Jim the bottle]
Jim: Mmm.
Stanley: Or do you only drink with your kids?
Jim: Ah, let's do it. [laughs] Oh, that's healthy.
Jim: I've spent so much of my life telling myself 'Please, don't end up like Stanley,' and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes.
Nellie: We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?
Packer: Yup. Tallahassee, let's go.
Erin: Jim, are you in?
Jim: Oh, I don't know.
Stanley: Sounds like a hoot. I'm in.
Jim: All right, what the heck? Let's do it.
Packer: This is great. This is gonna be great.
Nellie: I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.
Dwight: I'll be on top. It's the most important position.
Ryan: Dude, I think you have appendicitis.
Dwight: [tries to climb human pyramid] Ahh!
Ryan: Dwight?
Jim: Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while?
Dwight: Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit!
Packer: Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen.
Dwight: [groans] Stop moving!
Jim: No one's moving!
Dwight: Oh! [collapses]
Everyone: Oh, oh! [general commotion]
Dwight: Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.
Jim: Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning.
Jim: The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty.
Paramedic: You need an operation. You have appendicitis.
Ryan: Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net.
Erin: How long will he be gone?
Paramedic: Two or three days.
Dwight: Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.
Packer: Drama queen, am I right?
Dwight: [to phone] Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. [presses button] Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up.
Packer: That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting?
Pam: Whoa, are those mini pizzas?
Andy: Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck.
Kevin: Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? [giggles] Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge.
Andy: Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through.
Darryl: Oh [bleep] yeah.
Andy: Up high.
Darryl: Yes sir. Thanks.
Andy: Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. [whispers to Kelly] I put out some new magazines, check it out.
Creed: Ah, Dwell.
Andy: I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. [phone rings] Oh, there's the phone!
Dwight: I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in.
Erin: Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later.
Dwight: Who's doing the presentations?
Erin: Packer's giving one. [Dwight growls] Jim'll probably give ours, I guess.
Dwight: Damn it!
Erin: Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna-
Packer: #NAME?
Nellie: Very good point.
Dwight: Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting.
Nellie: Dwight, are you all right?
Dwight: I'm great. How are you?
Dwight: What's our presentation about?
Jim: Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours.
Dwight: I got the surgery, what else is there to do?
Erin: Do a hundred jumping jacks.
Dwight: No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks.
Erin: I don't feel like it either!
Erin: [doing jumping jacks] Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine-
Dwight: I want that vice-presidency.
Jim: You haven't done any of the research.
Dwight: You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name.' You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it.
Stanley: Aw, let him do it.
Jim: Stanley, are you listening to music?
Stanley: Yup.
Dwight: All right, who's ready for the next presentation?
Nellie: Ah, what is your topic?
Dwight: What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is.
Erin: Retail consumer habits.
Dwight: Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... [sighs] The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. [Erin makes the first slide appear] Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay.
Dwight: Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?
Ryan: I can field this one.
Dwight: No, sit down. 'Seasonal.' Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. [Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips] Thank you. [Dwight sticks his head in the bowl] Oh, God. Next slide.
Andy: Mail call! [sings] His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt.
Kevin: Are those the lyrics?
Dwight: Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?
Nellie: What are the three pillars of retail?
Erin: [whispers] Convenience.
Dwight: Ingredients.
Erin: Service.
Dwight: Burgers.
Erin: Building loyalty.
Dwight: Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.
Nellie: Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight.
Dwight: Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?
Jim: You are bleeding through your shirt.
Dwight: Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. [ties jacket around wound] Ah.
Pam: Hey, having fun?
Andy: Yes I am, as a matter of fact.
Pam: Well I know how it is. I know it's a lot of fun. I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job. What are you doing here?
Andy: I found my calling.
Darryl: Andy, when I was twelve years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog.
Pam: Guys, I don't like this analogy.
Andy: [groans] Ugh! Fine. Did you see this? [points to pens in cup]
Pam: It's nice.
Andy: I mean... [Pam giggles]
Nellie: How are you feeling?
Dwight: Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle.
Nellie: Can I see the wound?
Dwight: [show her the wound] Oh God.
Nellie: Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed.
Dwight: You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass.
Nellie: A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet.
Dwight: That's right.
Nellie: That is amazing. Todd, look at that.
Packer: Oh, yikes. Incoming- [tries to touch the wound]
Dwight: Ah! Not so fast.
Nellie: Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you [points to both] have a lot to offer.
Packer: It would be an honor, ma'am.
Dwight: I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.
Dwight: I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix.
Andy: [answers the reception phone] Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew.
Donna Muraski: Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin?
Andy: Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple of weeks.
Donna Muraski: Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart. You tell her Donna Muraski misses her.
Andy: I miss her too.
Nellie: Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. [cheers, claps]
Wally Amos: Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos-
Stanley: What's under the cloth?
Wally Amos: We'll get to that.
Packer: Cookies. Bet you anything it's cookies.
Wally Amos: It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first.
Nellie: Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies! [everyone goes for the cookies]
Erin: Famous, hi. I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time, but I-
Wally Amos: Is it oatmeal with no raisins?
Erin: I'm sorry to have wasted your time.


Pam: Hey Angela, you wanna see a picture of Phillip wearing those little booties you got us?
Angela: So cute.
Oscar: Hey, you guys want to see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes? He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these. Now going out in the rain is all he wants to do.
Pam: Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.
Angela: News flash - If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.
Pam: Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.
Angela: That is where we disagree.
Oscar: Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet?
Pam: No, three-month-old humans don't do that.
Angela: My Phillip is crawling.
Pam: Angela is such a liar!
Oscar: It's maddening!
Oscar: Exactly. That's just like crate training. All night long, all night long.
Pam: Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide, I mean, you'll never sleep again.
Angela: No one said 'you must have two'
Oscar: Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you, no.
Angela: No thank you.
Andy: [laughing] Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has NO idea what he just got himself into. There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat'am i right?
Angela/Pam: Unbelievable!
Oscar: Un-be-liev-a-ble.
Nellie: It is the end of the day, it is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow. That's not bad, is it?
Packer: That's great.
Dwight: Pretty good.
Nellie: Well thank you. This is very helpful feedback. [Dwight raises his hand] Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP.
Dwight: [laughing] That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like 'oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?' Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.
Nellie: I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.
Dwight: Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-
Jim: Catching butterflies.
Dwight: That's a hobby, unless it's for food.
Jim: Theater.
Dwight: Waste of time.
Jim: Dragging.
Dwight: That's just a verb.
Jim: Dragging sticks.
Dwight: Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks.
Nellie: Alright, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just' you three, no.
Packer: Not good enough (clicks tongue)
Dwight: English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. [British accent] You're crap. You're wonderful. [back to American] They're mean, but they're incisive.
Nellie: Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it compulsory.
Packer: I'll be there at 6:00
Cathy: Ugh, we're gonna have one of those crazy nights, aren't we? Maybe we'll see the real 'Talla-nasty' we've been hearing so much about.
Jim: Talla-nasty', very clever.
Cathy: Thank you-
Gabe: Wait, wait, you think she invented 'Talla-nasty?' [chuckles] no, no, no, no'
Jim: Cathy? It's been great. Fun, normal. [in voiceover] I thought I was gonna be hanging out with stanley on this trip, but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon.
Stanley: My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? [Jim slowly slinks down in his seat, with the 'Jim Face']. Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no?
Andy: Okay, everybody. 5:00. Workday is over. Put your pencils down. Aaannnnddd bring 'em back up, because now, the late night work jam begins!
Pam: Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard, we are good to go!
Andy: Say what?
Pam: We are good to goooo!
Andy: Say what?
Pam: We're good to goooo!
Angela: Stop it.
Andy: Say-
Angela: Stop it.
Oscar: Andy.
Andy: Tonight we're staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip.
Pam: Yes, of course, we could've just been doing this the whole time, but SOMEONE dropped the ball.
Andy: 'ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.
Packer: Jason Bourne would kick Bond's ass.
Nellie: Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government's out to get him.
Dwight: Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children ' What? it's true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder)
Packer: Okay, drinking game. Count of three, take three sips.
Dwight: That's a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback.
Gabe: What happens if you're the hunchback?
Dwight: Oh, you get kicked.
Jim: How many buttons do you have?
Dwight: (takes out bag) 40. Always.
Cathy: Can I see?
Dwight: Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy)
Cathy: So, I get to kick you now.
Dwight: No, they're not transferrable just 'cause I handed 'em to you.
Cathy: Well, that's how I played it in college.
Jim: College rules (Cathy throws Jim the bag and Jim kicks Dwight)
Dwight: Aah!
Packer: Aaaaand he host at his own lame game.
Nellie: Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit.
Packer: Thank you.
Ryan: I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please.
Erin: And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup.
Waitress: Sorry, no waffles.
Erin: Oh, okay. Just forget it, then. Forget it. Forget it.
Ryan: A waffle?
Erin: A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy?
Ryan: No.
Erin: I'm moving down here, you know.
Ryan: Oh, no, I didn't know.
Erin: I'm young, and I can ' and if I can't, I'm still pretty young. I guess I'll always be young.
Ryan: You come with me. We're gonna get you that waffle.
Ryan: Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka-who run at her? (Erin walks over) Hey.
Erin: Hey.
Pam: Watson carpet and tile.
Kevin: One order.
Oscar: Order reference number 00983-126.
Phyllis: Eight Cases, bright white inkjet.
Angela: Paid.
Kelly: I'm dying!
Darryl: Processed.
Val: And delivered.
Kelly: Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sorta feel out what the situation calls for.
Nellie: I will be right back.
Packer: I will be here.
Dwight: Hey. I see what you're doing. It's futile. the VP position is mine.
Packer: Oh, please, You're through. She's going to give it to me as I'm giving it to her tonight. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. [clicks tongue, whinnies]
Dwight: Well, saddles' [clicks tongue, whinnies] ' sometimes fall off, especially if you don't properly cinch the girth.
Packer: What? That's a joke, right? You see the way she's all over me.
Dwight: If anyone's having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it's me, and I'm not joking at all. If you don't tighten your saddle, you may fall off.
Andy: Who is ready for dinner? 'oh, I bet it's pizza, or tacos, or something stupid'. No. [claps] I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves' [takes foil off tray] [Jamaican accent] A Jamaican feast, mon!
Phyllis: If I wanted Jamaican food I'd just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.
Andy: Additional trivia factoid, this food comes to us through Val. And our server is none other than Brandon, her boyf!
Val: Hey.
Brandon: How you doing, Val? [Val and Brandon kiss]
Oscar: Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there. Crazy stuff.
Brandon: Oh no, I'm not actually Jamaican.
Oscar: Terrific.
Darryl: What's up man? I'm Darryl.
Brandon: Darryl, I heard about you. You doing good?
Darryl: Oh yeah.
Brandon: Must be doing real good since you're f***ing my girlfriend.
Everyone: Whoa.
Kevin: Dude, you didn't tell me you were f***ing Val. High five!
Darryl: I'm not sleeping with your girlfriend.
Val: Brandon, what the hell are you talking about?
Brandon: Don't play dumb with me. I know what's up.
Val: Honey, I am not sleeping with-
Andy: Heyyy' let's get back to the food. Brandon, tell us about these delicious looking goops!
Brandon: Hope you all like goat.
Andy: Goat'
Nellie: Blow in my ear.
Packer: Alright.
Nellie: Like I'm on the beach.
Dwight: [imitates seagull calls] Seagull. [Continues seagull calls]
Nellie: And a wave crashing' a wave crashing.
Nellie: Oh, that is lovely.
Jim: Alright, that's gonna do it for me tonight. Have a lovely evening.
Jim: Hey, how's it going?
Cathy: Hey, uh, good. Uh, the heating system though in my room is all messed up. It's like 90 degrees in there. Maintenance is working on it. Can I hang out here?
Jim: Uh' yeah, I'm just watching basketball.
Cathy: Okay, yeah.
Jim: Okay.
Cathy: Cool' [Jumps onto bed] Is this March Madness? I love March Madness.
Jim: Oh, no, that's not this 'cause that's in' March. Uh, this is just the NBA. Professional. Miami Heat, actually, so' [sits on floor]
Cathy: LeBron James.
Jim: Yes, nice. Good word association
Cathy: [giggles]
Nellie: Impressive.
Dwight: Oh please, anyone can tie a knot, the real skill is in untying it [puts string in his mouth]
Andy: Thornwood Wholesalers.
Kevin: One order.
Brandon: I read the text you sent to Val, man.
Val: That's messed up.
Angela: Is this spicy?
Brandon: No, baby girl. It would be messed up if I didn't find anything, but I did, so-
Andy: I'm pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text, it was about some paper emergency or something.
Brandon: At midnight?
Andy: ' yeah'
Kevin: It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery'
Kelly: Guys, we're not gonna settle anything this way. I think we just need to be grown-ups here.
Andy: Thank you.
Kelly: I thin we're gonna need to here those texts.
Andy: Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before?
Kelly: No. There's no way in hell I'm leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life, I am staying here. Darryl, read the texts.
Jim: Yup, coming. [opens door] All right.
Stanley: My mini bar is oddly out of rum.
Jim: We have plenty.
Stanley: Oh, hello. [laughs with Cathy]
Jim: Do you want to watch the game with us? We're watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game.
Stanley: Got it. Good night. Careful Jim, it gets easier and easier.
Jim: No, no, no, Stanley.
Stanley: mm-hmm. [about to leave]
Jim: Stanley. Stanley.
Stanley: uh-huh.
Jim: Stanley. Uhh' you know what? Just bring back those bottles!
Erin: Whoa. the lights are still on.
Ryan: Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off.
Erin: I like how guys just know stuff all the time.
Ryan: Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay? And nobody knows more than you. Especially me.
Erin: [gasps] Hello, waffle iron.
Ryan: Hello, what do we have here?
Erin: Okay, so the recipe says we need a mixing bowl'
Ryan: Right.
Erin: ' a measuring cup'
Ryan: Got that. [Metallic thud] Get down.
Erin: [whispers] It's the fuzz!
Ryan: [whispers] Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.
Darryl: I got too much ice cream. You want some?' 'Getting' my fry on.'
Kelly: Boring.
Darryl: Uh, 'The moon is huge tonight.'
Phyllis: Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry.
Darryl: That's regular text talk.
Brandon: You forgot one.
Darryl: You're such a great friend.'
Brandon: With the dots.
Darryl: You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot.'
Kelly: Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means 'to be continued', four dots is a typo, but five dots means 'Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
Everyone: Oh'
Brandon: See? Yes. Thank you, sister.
Val: Brandon, Darryl and me? That's ridiculous, right?
Darryl: Yeah, totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I'm stranded on shutter island over here.
Nellie: You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit.
Dwight: You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree? [cell phone rings] 'ahhmmm' excuse me' What?! Not now, I'm busy.
Jim: [on phone] I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to know that I saw a bedbug in my room. But, never mind, sorry to interrupt.
Dwight: Wait wait wait wait, bedbugs? Oh no' Freak, I need a favor.
Gabe: Well, then you have to call me by my name. Gabriel Susan Lewis.
Dwight: I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie.
Gabe: What's in it for GSL?
Dwight: You really want Packer as your boss?
Gabe: Got it.
Dwight: If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.
Dwight: Where did you see it?
Jim: In the bed.
Cathy: I haven't seen anything.
Dwight: We gotta find it before it eggs. [pulls sheets off bed]
Cathy: Jeez'
Dwight: Describe it.
Jim: Brown, shiny, painful bite.
Dwight: Could be a bat weevil' Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?
Jim: Stressed, but to be fair, it was a tense situation.
Dwight: Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?
Jim: So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this.
Dwight: Pshh. That's a bedbug.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight: Everything's a joke.
Jim: I know.
Dwight: Check your hair! [checks Jim's hair]
Jim: Ow.
Dwight: God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this.
Jim: Just check it.
Dwight: You are clean. Okay' One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide [starts running in place and turning up the thermostat] I am going to generate myself into a human trap. [starts to take off clothes] When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we'll see who's laughing. [dastardly laugh]
Jim: Alright.
Dwight: Yeah. [jumps into bed] Cover me!
Cathy: Is this really nessecary?
Jim: He knows what he's doing.
Dwight: Let the bedbugs bite!
Cathy: Ugh, god, I feel so gross. I have to go take a shower.
Jim: Alright, then I will catch you later' What do we do now?
Dwight: We wait. [Shower starts] Come to papa.
Jim: Oh.
Jim: I don't know, Dwight, I think maybe you should check again.
Dwight: Nope, I wasn't bitten.
Jim: Well, maybe it isn't warm enough in here.
Dwight: Oh, it's plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect.
Jim: Come on.
Dwight: If there were any in here, They would've imbedded themselves in me.
Jim: You know what? Maybe they just ate.
Dwight: No, you're good. Clean bill of health! Besides I gotta get back downstairs. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long.
Jim: Okay, they're fine. They're adults.
Dwight: No, that's the problem. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first.
Jim: Is that really how you want to get this job?
Dwight: Such a chorus girl.
Jim: Okay, Dwight' Dwight' Dwight, Dwight Dwight!' uh'
Cathy: [in a bathrobe] Is crazy gone?
Nellie: Oh!
Gabe: They don't make these cords in boot cut anymore!
Dwight: Euughh' Pathetic, huh? A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present' Hey.
Cathy: Yeah, one death by chocolate, one bananas foster' Okay, cool. Thanks' I know, I'm a pig, right?
Jim: Hmm? No.
Cathy: [giggles] Wait, this why I exercise like a fiend. Feel. Seriously.
Jim: Okay alright. [gets up] I'm really sorry, uh, I just have to say it. I'm-I'm married. I'm very happily married.
Cathy: Oh my God, what are you thinking?
Jim: um' I mean-
Cathy: I know that you're married, I sat at your wife's desk. How little do you think of me?
Jim: I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I'm-I'm I misread things. Okay, let's just go back to watching.
Cathy: Can you' without running to the other side of the room all night?
Jim: Yes, I can. [Cathy laughs] uh, all right. I'm really sorry. I think we'll just' we'll just watch. You can watch, not watch, whatever you want to do. Take another shower, I don't care.
Cathy: Okay. [Sits next to Jim.] I am so cold.
Jim: [Jim Face]
Pam: Hey, Darryl. You okay?
Darryl: She's got a boyfriend.
Andy: Play it cool, man. She'll come around.
Pam: No, you should go for it. I mean nothing would've happened with me and Jim if he didn't put himself out there.
Andy: Yeah, but' My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool.
Pam: My husband would tell you to go for it.
Ryan: Hey.
Erin: Hey.
Ryan: Hey.
Erin: Hey.
Ryan: Hey, this is fun.
Erin: A lot of fun.
Ryan: I know. Can I give you a compliment? I'm really impressed by how much you've grown. Since I met you, it's like night and day.
Erin: You should move down here with me.
Ryan: Yeah?
Erin: We could be roommates.
Ryan: Really?
Erin: We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-
Ryan: Yeah.
Erin: Maybe in six months-
Ryan: [louder] Six months?' um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly.
Nellie: Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts.
Dwight: Okay' Seven, one, one, nine'
Nellie: No, no, no, not numbers, no.
Dwight: No, okay.
Nellie: No.
Dwight: Try again' Ugh, I'm still getting numbers! Seven, one, one' is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? 'Cause please stop, okay?
Nellie: Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time.
Dwight: [gasps]Wait, the numbers!
Nellie: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: oh'
Nellie: mm-hmm'
Dwight: There you go.
Nellie: I will see you in seven-
Dwight: Seven minutes. [Dwight and Nellie kiss]' Nellie, wait. Let me write my room number on the card. [chuckles]. [Dwight writes on the key card scratches it with a magnet and hands it back to Nellie]
Dwight: [in voiceover] Win at all costs, don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America, and before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.
Angela: 1434-967, paid.
Darryl: It has been processed.
Val: It has been delivered.
Pam: That's it, last one.
Kelly: Andy this has been an amazing night. Epic.
Andy: Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee'
Phyllis: No way.
Andy: I got Romy and Michele's High School Reunion'
Val: Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again?
Darryl: Sure.
Val: Okay, thanks.
Darryl: Hey, just so you know, me and you' I don't think that's ridiculous' Dot, dot, dot' dot, dot.
Jim: All right. Now I think it's time for you to go.
Cathy: What? Oh, Jim, I thought we talked about this. You're cool, right?
Jim: Cathy, go.
Dwight: [wearing face mask with spray chemicals in hand] Where's the bug?
Jim: Awesome.
Dwight: [sprays the bed and Cathy] Stand back!
Cathy: Aah! Stop, it, oh my god! That burns! what is that?!
Dwight: [continues spraying the bed] It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid's cart!
Cathy: [coughs and moans]
Jim: Right there! [points to Cathy]
Cathy: Oh stop it, stop it, stop it!
Jim: [coughs] Oh, big one! Big one! Really big one!
Cathy: I can't breathe!
Dwight: I think I saw it!
Cathy: Stop it! [runs out the door]
Jim: Nice job, I think you got 'em.
Dwight: You can't stay here, this place is a biohazard. If I were you, I'd just bunk with Cathy.
Jim: [Jim face]
Dwight: Second best Bananas Foster I've ever had.
Jim: Oh yeah? What's the first best?
Nellie: [at the door, unsuccessfully trying to open it with the demagnetized key card] Dwight? [knocks] Hello? Dwight?
Jim: [whispers] Is that Nellie?
Dwight: [whispers] Don't let-shh!
Nellie: Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello? [knocks] [Dwight turns off the lights] Oh, look at that. The light went off, just as I said the light went on. Hello? [knocks] Dwight? [whispers] Dwight. [Dwight eats his Bananas Foster]