Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will
Jim: [after 'the kiss'] You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
Pam: Me too. ...I think we're just drunk.
Jim: No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam: No... [Jim leans in for another kiss] Jim-
Jim: Are you really gonna marry him? [Pam nods] ...Ok.
Dwight: [sobbing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! [serious]
Michael: No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?
Toby: OK I think Oscar would just like if you used 'lame' or something like that.
Michael: That's what faggie means!
Toby: No not really...
Toby: Apparently you called Oscar 'faggie' for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.
Michael: It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard!
Toby: All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay.
Michael: Exactly!
Toby: I mean for real.
Michael: Yeah, I know.
Toby: No, I mean he's attracted to other men.
Michael: OK, a little too far, crossed the line.
Toby: OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.
Michael: I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
Michael: Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
Oscar: No, it's fine.
Michael: No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people 'faggie' since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude.
Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that.
Angela: [in reference to Oscar being gay] It explains so much.
Oscar: No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... [sighs] Uh... yeah I'm gay.
Jim: I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable.
Jim: Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right?
Andy: Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right?
Jim: Uh-huh, yeah. I am.
Andy: She's pretty hot huh? [Jim nods] She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
Jim: OooOK.
Andy: OooOK.
Jim: I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name.
Andy: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? [laughs] I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, 'Here Comes Treble.'
Josh: So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them.
Jim: Oh, I can do that.
Karen: Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. [makes classic 'Jim'-camera face] What is that?
Michael: Can you tell who's gay and who's not?
Dwight: Of course.
Michael: What about Oscar?
Dwight: Absolutely not.
Michael: Well, he
Dwight: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...
Michael: [deep sigh] There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.
Dwight: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael: Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
Michael: Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.
Dwight: I really don't think so.
Michael: I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?
Dwight: [creepy smile]
Michael: Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.
Dwight: Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.
Michael: That's ridiculous.
Dwight: Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Michael: [sighs] Let's call him and get the website.
Dwight: Definitely.
Jim: What's gay-dar?
Michael: Well, they're sold out.
Dwight: Damn. [thinks] I'll try Brookstone.
Jim: I miss that.
Roy: Chicken or fish?
Pam: [loud sigh] Chicken.
Roy: So you havin' a good day?
Pam: Excellent, thanks.
Roy: Good, glad. OK.
Pam: Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks.
Roy: After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back.
Stanley: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.
Kelly: That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.
Oscar: Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan.
Angela: Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.
Andy: OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND!
Jan: You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation.
Michael: I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so...
Jan: That's not what it's called.
Toby: OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?
Michael: What? What does that even...
Jan: Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.
Michael: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival.
Toby: All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault.
Michael: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
Jan: NO!
Michael: I don't kn-
Jan: No, it's not possible.
Michael: Anything's possible.
Jan: You know, imagine... you were gay.
Michael: [laughs] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!
Jan: Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand?
Michael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.
Oscar: Am I the first gay man you ever knew?
Michael: Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer?
Pam: Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.
Dwight: Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.
Michael: [looking at gay porn] Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful.
Dwight: Ah damn pop-ups.
Oscar: What are you doing?!
Angela: Watching some of your friends.
Michael: [yelling] All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!
Michael: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men.
Michael: We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.
Oscar: Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?
Creed: : I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing.
Michael: Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Angela: Judges and juries!
Michael: Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?
Kevin: : That sounds great.
Dwight: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.
Oscar: No one else in this office is gay.
Dwight: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!
Phyllis: I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
Michael: That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance!
Michael: But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do!
Phyllis: No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school.
Michael: [laughing] Right! [serious] And I take that as a compliment.
Phyllis: Well with your ties and your matching socks and -
Michael: Well, I just like to look good OK, so -
Oscar: You sound pretty defensive Michael.
Michael: No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!
Oscar: I think the problem with this office is that
Michael: No no no. The only signal that I am sending is:
Michael: Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag.
Oscar: I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.
Michael: You misunderstand- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend -
Oscar: I would rather not.
Michael: ...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me!
Oscar: No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small!
Michael: All right, um... sorry.
Oscar: Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. [Oscar and Michael hug]
Michael: [sobbing] I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy.
Dwight: Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.
Michael: [embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. [awkwardly kissing Oscar] I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. [everyone claps]
Michael: [Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar] Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man!
Michael: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?
Michael: I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said.
Michael: Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows?
Oscar: I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.
Dwight: [reading the note with the gay-dar] 'Hope this helps. -Jim' Nice!
Oscar: [Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body] What are you doing?!
Dwight: Shhh. Don't be scared. [gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles] It works. [gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle] ...oh no.
Jan: [on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch?
Michael: I will do my job to the best of my abilities.
Jan: [under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically.
Michael: I will do my
Jan: Specifically
Michael: Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients.
Michael: Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I
Jan: [on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael?
Michael: [quietly] No.
Jan: Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished.
Michael: Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.]
Toby: Michael?
Michael: [sigh]
Michael: Hi, honey. You holding up?
Pam: Yup.
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: I'm... painting my new apartment tonight.
Michael: Oh, good. By yourself?
Pam: Yes.
Michael: Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much.
Pam: Thanks.
Michael: Roy.
Pam: Right.
Pam: What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business!
Oscar: Yes, I'm gay.
Meredith: [shocked expression]
Meredith: Why are all the best-looking single men always gay?
Andy: Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google Google? What do you think would happen?
Jim: Let's find out. [starts typing]
Andy: [makes frustrated noises]
Jim: Oh! Lots of results.
Andy: I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna.


Michael: Pam?
Pam: Yeah?
Michael: Did you see Oprah yesterday?
Pam: No, I didn't.
Michael: I, uh... I am going to be a father.
Pam: What was Oprah about?
Michael: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost.
Pam: That's a really big decision.
Michael: I know.
Pam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt.
Michael: Well...
Pam: Or not adopt.
Michael: Just do it, okay?
Pam: Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars.
Michael: Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?
Pam: You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months.
Michael: Eight months?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months.
Pam: You probably won't.
Michael: You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby...
Pam: No, Michael.
Michael: Twenty years.
Pam: No, Michael.
Michael: Thirty.
Pam: Sure.
Michael: It's a deal.
Ryan: All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms.
Michael: Yesh.
Ryan: Uh, fun jeans.
Michael: Right there. Ah.
Angela: Sign.
Michael: Per diem.
Michael: Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.
Dwight: Don't be mad, it is a business trip.
Angela: But I don't understand. It's for managers.
Dwight: Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager.
Angela: I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. [A long silence.] Are you still there?
Dwight: Yes, Monkey.
Angela: Don't 'Monkey' me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M.
Angela: In the Martin family, we like to say, 'Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly.' That's code for 'check out the slut.' What is... why are there flies in here?
Kelly: Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing?
Pam: This.
Kelly: You look so pretty.
Pam: Thank you.
Pam: Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that.
Kelly: Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power.
Michael: Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom?
Kelly: My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight.
Michael: Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker.
Dwight: And your veil.
Michael: Yeah, do it!
Pam: I'll probably just wear this.
Michael: Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim?
Pam: Um...
Michael: Um. Okay, um.
Dwight: Um.
Michael: You got that?
Dwight: I got it.
Michael: Write it down.
Dwight: I got it.
Dwight: Um.
Michael: Um.
Dwight and Michael: [singing] Um, um, um...
Creed: There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train?
Angela: That was for per diem, for Philadelphia.
Meredith: That town smells like cheese steaks.
Angela: That town is full of history!
Creed: Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [introducing himself] Creed.
Dwight: Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?
Josh: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Hey, Josh, how ya doing?
Josh: Pretty good.
Michael: Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns.
Michael: I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.
Jim: It's really good to see you, man.
Michael: Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too!
Dwight: Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet?
Jim: Yeah, sold about forty thousand.
Michael: Hey!
Dwight: Shut up. That's impossible.
Jim: No, it's not. I did. Yep.
Dwight: Well, I did it too.
Jim: You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.
Kevin: So did you hear?
Toby: What?
Kevin: Pam's back on the market again.
Toby: Really? She's dating?
Kevin: If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that.
Dwight: So what kind of commissions you get up there?
Jim: Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much.
Dwight: You're so immature!
Josh: Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman.
Michael: Ah.
Josh: And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford.
Jan: Oh, hey!
Dwight: Hey, Jan.
Jan: We all checked in?
Josh: Yes.
Jan: Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour.
Josh: Okay.
Jan: Okay!
Michael: Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules.
Jan: What are you talking about?
Michael: The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention.
Jan: Step away from me, Michael.
Michael: Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you.
Kelly: Alan's cartoon is so funny, right?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Kelly: And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time.
Dwight: This party is going to be awesome.
Michael: I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.
Dwight: Check it out.
Michael: That is crooked on that side.
Dwight: Wow.
Michael: Hey hey!
Jim: That is a lot of liquor.
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: And a dart board.
Michael: Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop.
Josh: We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan.
Michael: Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen?
Josh: A shot of MIDORI, perhaps.
Jim: Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there.
Michael: Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
Josh: Um, we should...
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up.
Dwight: I'll do a shot, Michael.
Michael: Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet.
Michael: SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.
Michael: Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin.
Jerome Bettis: All right.
Dwight: I'm a huge fan.
Jerome Bettis: Thanks. I appreciate it, guys.
Michael: You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come.
Jerome Bettis: All right, maybe. If I can.
Michael: Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there?
Jerome Bettis: No, you cannot.
Michael: So maybe. See ya.
Dwight: Why do they call him The Bus?
Michael: Because he's afraid to fly.
Dwight: Smile!
Michael: Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there!
Josh: All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front.
Michael: Yep. Yeah, she's up front.
Dwight: You don't have email on your phone.
Michael: I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello?
Dwight: No one just called you.
Josh: All right.
Jim: All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care.
Ted: I'll see you soon.
Josh: Yeah, stop by later.
Michael: [into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please?
Michael: I need you to do something for me.
Dwight: Yes. Anything.
Michael: I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.
Dwight: I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat.
Toby: Hey, Pam.
Pam: Hey! What's up?
Toby: It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted...
Pam: [answering phone] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. [hangs up] Sorry. What's up?
Toby: Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird.
Pam: Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here.
Toby: Okay.
Dwight: So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera.
Michael: And?
Dwight: He wasn't volunteering today.
Michael: Business has been pretty crazy around the office.
Jim: Oh yeah?
Michael: Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk.
Jim: Oh, tell him I say hi.
Michael: I will call him later with that message.
Jim: Hey, how is... Toby?
Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?
Jim: Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to...
Michael: Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically.
Jim: Michael, it's really not a competition.
Josh: Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow.
Jan: Great!
Michael: Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip.
Dwight: Whoa. Michael.
Waiter: Wow, oh my God, thank you.
Michael: You're welcome.
Dwight: Was that your per diem?
Michael: No, that was a different hundred dollar bill.
Jan: What have you generated, Michael?
Michael: I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening.
Jan: What party?
Michael: The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited.
Jan: Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7.
Phyllis: You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it.
Stanley: If you do that, you're going to have to put out.
Phyllis: Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out.
Angela: Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you.
Michael: Any messages for 308? All right.
Michael: Hey hey, fellers.
Jim: Michael.
Dwight: Hey, Michael.
Michael: What's up?
Josh: Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now.
Michael: Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton.
Josh: I don't think so.
Michael: Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend.
Josh: Fine! All right.
Michael: Okay! Excellent. Oh...
Dwight: Keep the wing flaps.
Michael: Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam!
Jim, Josh, and Dwight: Hi, Pam.
Michael: Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye.
Michael: You first.
Dwight: Come on. Nice try, Josh!
Michael: Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing.
Josh: Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael.
Michael: Well, let's...
Josh: Yeah, we should go.
Michael: Come on!
Josh: We gotta go.
Michael: Come on!
Josh: Uh... we'll do it later.
Evan: Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line?
Michael: Fine.
Michael: Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work.
Evan: That is so true. Ready?
Michael: Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for.
Evan: Great.
Michael: Sorry, my meeting ran late.
Jan: Really?
Michael: Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill.
Josh: They're exclusive with Staples.
Michael: Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products.
Dwight: Yes! Ha!
Jan: Well, Michael, I underestimated you.
Michael: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.
Jim: Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard.
Angela: D?
Jim: Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!
Kelly: So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day.
Alan: Oh, great.
Ryan: I don't want ketchup.
Kelly: You love ketchup! He loves ketchup.
Pam: So how do you come up with your cartoons?
Alan: Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them.
Pam: You dream in cartoons? How fun!
Michael: Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend.
Guy: I thought there was a party in here.
Michael: This is the party.
Guy: This is room 308?
Michael: Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right.
Alan: See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels.
Pam: Huh.
Alan: [French accent] Freedom fries for the table.
Pam: Freedom fries. Yeah.
Alan: Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, 'Don't be edgy.' But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it.
Pam: Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan.
Alan: Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain.
Pam: More freedom fries.
Alan: Yeah.
Pam: That's great.
Alan: Okay.
Pam: I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know.
Jim: Michael. Am I the first to arrive?
Michael: People have been filtering in and out.
Jim: Can I get a drink?
Michael: What?
Jim: Can I get a drink?
Michael: Sure. You like Cosmos?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy?
Jim: Michael...
Michael: I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just...
Jim: Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss.
Michael: I'm not better than Josh.
Jim: Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam.
Michael: Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now.
Jim: No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice.
Michael: I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her.
Jim: Nope, that's okay.
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: That's all right.
Michael: I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling.
Jim: Yeah. Okay, maybe.
Evan: Are we early?
Michael: Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Evan, this is Jim.
Jim: How are you?
Evan: Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim.
Michael: Hey, Ernie, how ya doing?
Evan: Do you guys work together?
Jim: No, we used to. Now we're friends.
Michael: Best friends.
Michael: Some people need dozens of friends to say, 'Hey, look at me, I'm popular.' But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly.
Michael: Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on] Ha, ha, ha.
Dwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Michael: Whoa. What are those stains?
Dwight: Blood, urine, or semen.
Michael: Oh, God, I hope it's urine.
Michael: Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy.
Michael: [Angela enters Michael's office] Ah.
Angela: Sign.
Michael: Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins.
Ryan: [reading checklist] Fun jeans.
Michael: [points to door] Right there.
Ryan: Fourth quarter projections for Jan?
Michael: Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me.
Ryan: Will do.
Michael: Sure you don't want to come?
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot.
Ryan: [shakes his head]
Michael: A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. 'Connecticut.' And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he
Michael: See that factory?
Dwight: Mm-hm.
Michael: I almost worked there.
Dwight: No!
Michael: Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there.
Dwight: What would you have done? Been manager?
Michael: I was going to be a bottle capper.
Dwight: You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief]
Michael: I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world.
Josh: Yes, I'm aware of Jan and Michael's... history. Um, I don't really like to talk about it 'cause it's unprofessional. Kind of gross.
Michael: Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean.
Dwight: So, you ever been convicted of a felony?
Josh: What? Uh, no. [to Jim] Uh, I want you to make sure you call Karen and get her to fax that vendor list over.
Dwight: Misdemeanor?
Josh: Um... When I was in the Coast Guard, a couple of us broke into the women's barracks and we got arrested for trespassing.
Dwight: Coast Guard? So you know how to fight underwater?
Josh: [stunned]
Jan: [Jim, Josh, and Jan walk in the hotel lobby] Josh, um... [Jim continues walking ahead] Why don't you come up to my room for a couple of minutes and we can just go over the schedule for tomorrow together.
Josh: Can we do it over breakfast? It'll be...
Jan: A quick drink?
Josh: Thanks, but maybe another time.
Jan: [putting on a good face] Great! [walks off]


Michael: [waiting on Pam to be done with the microwave] Ahhhhhhhhh. [whispering loudly] I'm hungry.
Michael: Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues!
Michael: Let's gooooo! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Dwight: [directing people to their assigned seats] Take a seat down there. Second from the end.
Michael: Alright, everybody here? Yes.
Pam: [walking in with a tray of six popcorn bags] Popcorn anyone?
Michael: Yes pleeeeease! Thank yooouuu!
Pam: [with five popcorn bags left] Anyone else? Nooo.
Pam: Movie Monday started with training videos, but we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched a medical video. Since then, it's been half hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.
Michael: Entourage!
Michael: Kevin, would you like to do the scenes from last week?
Kevin: Yes!
Dwight: Why him?
Michael: Don't whine. Get the window. [Dwight exhales]
Michael: Previously on Varsity Blues...
Kevin: Ok. Billy-Bob, got a head injury, but coach made him play. So then Lance, he gets sacked, he's out for the year...
Jan: [walking into an empty office because everyone is watching Varsity Blues] Hello?
Dwight: Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won't say who.
Angela: I don't approve. I don't.
Jan: Hello? [Angela coughs and points to the conference room]
Michael: [Jan walks in on Movie Monday] Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!
Jan: How would a movie increase productivity Michael? How on earth would it do that?
Michael: People work faster after...
Jan: Magically?
Michael: No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Jan: No.
Angela: [walking past Dwight's desk] Kitchen.
Angela: Michael is going to get us all fired. You sat back and let him play that dumb movie, and now Jan is peeved off and we're all going to lose our jobs.
Dwight: That's not going to happen.
Angela: You know she has it out for him now.
Dwight: That's not his fault! He had to follow his heart!
Dwight: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.
Angela: Dwight, you should be running this office.
Dwight: Michael would never let me...
Angela: It's not up to Michael, it's Jan's call. Talk to her.
Dwight: I could never do that!
Angela: Fine! Sit back and do nothing and let us all get fired!
Angela: I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair.
Jim: At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video game called Call of Duty, and they're all really into it. I'm told it started as a team building exercise. Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like, uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it... Pretendenitus.
Pam: [on the phone] Hey Kelly, my stuff just got here. [Kelly screams with excitement into the phone and Pam has to take it away from her ear]
Pam: Kelly really likes to online shop. Soooo, I felt like I wanted some new clothes. I mean, I just, I wanted to, it just, I felt like it was time, to maybe um... just get new clothes.
Pam: [pulling her new shirt out of a box] Ok.
Kelly: [gasps] I love it!
Pam: Really? I don't know.
Kelly: You haven't even tried it on yet, try it on.
Pam: Not at work, I'll try it on-
Kelly: Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!
Pam: ...noooo
Kelly: [clapping her hands in unison] Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!
Andy: Why did you do that?!
Jim: I'm just killing Germans, any way I can.
Andy: We're on the German team. Shoot the Brittish.
Jim: [turning around to Karen] Wait, are we playing teams?
Karen: [laughing] Yeah.
Dwight: [outside in the parking lot, pacing back and forth] WAH! GAH! [breathing heavily]
Jan: [answering the phone] Hello?
Dwight: Is this Jan?
Jan: Who is this?
Dwight: This is Dwight Schrute. I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter.
Jan: You should talk to Michael, and he'll talk to me, and that way we don't have to speak to each other.
Dwight: It's about Michael.
Jan: What about him?
Dwight: [exhales] I can't talk here. It's too sensitive.
Jan: It's not about a surprise party is it?
Dwight: No, but we should discuss that another time.
Jan: Look, I am already an hour outside of Scranton, Dwight, I'm not coming back.
Dwight: Pull over at exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop, until I can meet you.
Jan: How do you know I like that store?
Dwight: Many of your blouses are Claiborne's.
Jan: How do you know that?
Dwight: Part of my job.
Jan: No it's not. It's officially not.
Dwight: ...noted.
Dwight: [walking into Michael's office] I'm going... to the dentist.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: I have to have an emergency crown put in.
Michael: Ouchy.
Dwight: Yes. It's a new dentist. He's far. I might be gone... three hours.
Michael: Three hours, wow. Have fun. [Dwight walks away staring through the blinds at Michael]
Dwight: Did you get anything good?
Jan: Yeah.
Dwight: New blouse? Halter top? Camisole? Teddy?
Dwight: I can save the branch.
Jan: Really?
Dwight: If you let me run it.
Jan: Ok.
Dwight: [excitedly] 'Ok' I can run it?
Jan: What would you do differently?
Dwight: Mostly get rid of waste. Which is half the people there. And clean house. [to waitress in diner] Right here. It's all for me. Thank you.
Jan: Dwight, you must feel strongly, to speak with me this way, behind Michael's back, and turn on so many of your co-workers.
Dwight: The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. [pouring way too much syrup on his food] But once I did it, I didn't look back. And mostly I feel that Michael would approve. It's really what's best for the branch. And I could care less about my co-workers. So [cutting his food, giving Jan a 'so there' look], here we are. It's all, on the table. I want... the branch. And I await your decision.
Dwight: [shoveling waffles into his mouth] Oh, by the way. There's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings.
Jan: [thinks for a second] Where is it?
Jan: [on speakerphone with Michael] Michael.
Michael: Hi.
Jan: I just had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees.
Michael: Oh. That's nice.
Jan: No, it wasn't. Dwight just told me that he thinks he can run the branch better than you.
Michael: ...what?
Jan: Mm-hmm.
Michael: ...you were at the dentist?
Jan: You can't have people undermining you. Get control of your branch immediately.
Michael: Ok.
Michael: What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover! ...ish.
Phyllis: [Pam walks out of the bathroom wearing her new red shirt] Woooooow.
Kelly: It's
Phyllis: It's really something.
Pam: [smiling] It's too much.
Kelly: What?
Pam: I'm gonna return it.
Kelly: No, you have to keep it today, just see how you feel.
Roy: [walking into the break room] Hey.
Pam: Hi.
Roy: You look nice.
Pam: Thanks.
Kelly: Isn't that like your third soda today?
Jim: Yeah I think we can be a big help to your company. [someone dims the lights, signifying that it's game time] Ok, see you next week. Bye. [to Karen] Again?
Karen: Scared?
Karen: [with her hands making the rocker sign] Call of Duty!
Josh: [sounding upset] Andy, Jim, can I see you in the conference room for a minute?
Andy: Now?
Josh: Yes now.
Andy: Put the game on hold everyone.
Josh: This is not working, ok? We are getting slaughtered out there.
Andy: It's the new guy. [looks at Jim]
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry I don't know... what we're talking about...
Andy: See what I mean?
Josh: We just need a strategy, ok? We're going to set up a trap in the gun room. All right Jim, are you using the MP-40 or the 44?
Jim: Um, sniper rifle?
Josh: SNIPE-
Andy: WHAT?
Josh: JIM!
Andy: Are you playing for the other team?!
Josh: You don't snipe in Carrington, ok?
Andy: Saboteur!
Josh: Andy, it's not-
Andy: Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.
Michael: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: Hey.
Michael: Do you want an M&M?
Dwight: No thanks I'm stuffed.
Michael: No seriously. You should have an M&M, they're really good.
Dwight: ...ok. [takes and eats several M&M's]
Michael: They're good, huh?
Dwight: ...so good.
Michael: Hey. I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put in.
Dwight: They have this new kind of quick drying bonding, so...
Michael: Sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight: Oh, yeah.
Michael: What's his name?
Dwight: [long pause] Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist.
Dwight: Yep.
Michael: Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
Michael: Let me see your teeth. Let me see 'em. Let me see 'em.
Dwight: [reluctantly opens his mouth and Michael peers inside] Ahh. Aaaah.
Michael: You should... floss.
Dwight: I know...
Michael: [exhales] Well then... I am glad you're ok.
Michael: Business is like a jungle. And I... am like a tiger. And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? [smiling] Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.
Michael: Dwight, can I talk to you for a second?
Michael: [in Michael's office] Wow, this is tough.
Dwight: What?
Michael: Ohhhh. Arrrgggh!
Dwight: What is it?
Michael: Well, I just got off the phone with Jan. And um... she demoted me.
Dwight: No.
Michael: Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job!
Dwight: Gahh!
Michael: And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that um, I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
Dwight: I can't believe this news. That- wow.
Michael: I know. I told her I didn't know whether you'd wanna do it... because you've always been so loyal to me. You've been my most trusted ally.
Dwight: You said that?
Michael: Yep, I did. I did. But I think... you should do it.
Dwight: Well... Gosh, if you think I should. Then I will.
Michael: [exhales] Perfect, well, we're settled.
Dwight: All right.
Michael: All right. Well then, you are now acting manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, and I... am assistant regional manager.
Dwight: Assistant to the regional manager. Thank you Michael, for staying on. I really appreciate it.
Michael: Ohh..
Dwight: Hey... I can't imagine this place without you.
Michael: [muttering] Can't you? That's so nice.
Michael: Well... I guess we should go tell the troops.
Dwight: Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike. [Dwight exhales, Michael looks at the camera] Ok let's do it.
Michael: Hey, hi, hello. Everybody, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. I... am being replaced, as your leader, by Dwight.
Phyllis: You're kidding...
Michael: You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that.
Angela: Congratulations Dwight.
Dwight: Thank you Angela.
Stanley: But... why Dwight?
Michael: Because, Dwight... never lies.
Stanley: How does that qualify him to run a branch?
Michael: Because that's all it takes.
Michael: Ok, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody... about loyalty?
Dwight: Thank you Michael. I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black! With ferocity!
Phyllis: Michael, what will you do?
Michael: Oh, I'll be fine.
Kevin: Do you have any savings?
Michael: No, no, I don't, but-
Kevin: Michael, you might lose your condo.
Michael: I... won't. I won't.
Pam: I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.
Phyllis: Maybe I'll quit.
Angela: It's really happening!
Dwight: Yes.
Angela: We can make a difference here.
Dwight: I
Angela: You alone? Because I thought together we could-
Dwight: Oh please, don't be naive. But you can be in charge of the women.
Karen: [whispering] Look how cute he is! He's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.
Jim: I'm sorry what are you whispering about?
Karen: I'm sorry nothing, just concentrate on turning around.
Jim: I'm trying-
Karen: Just tap S then D.
Jim: Oh.
Karen: [her players gun is pointed directly at Jim's player's head] Any... last words? No?
Jim: What? [Karen's player shoots Jim's player, 'You killed Jim Halpert' appears on the screen, Karen giggles]
Jim: Wow. Psychopath. [Karen grins widely at Jim]
Pam: What?
Creed: I'm just looking.
Pam: Please go back to your desk.
Creed: In a minute.
Pam: Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work. But I'm gonna keep the clothes. I mean, it'll be cool to just have some after work clothes that aren't pajamas.
Michael: Well, I guess it's time, that I turn over the keys, to the famous Sebring.
Dwight: [smiling] No thank you.
Michael: It's a corporate lease Dwight, you've earned it.
Dwight: No thanks.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Not my style.
Michael: But you said you liked it. You've always admired it.
Dwight: Well that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible, it's a ridiculous choice for this climate.
Michael: [Michael finally breaks] Take it back.
Dwight: [confused] No.
Michael: That's my car.
Dwight: What did you-
Michael: THAT'S MY CAR.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: I know, Dwight. I know. I know. I know.
Dwight: You know what?
Michael: Jan called me about your little meeting!
Dwight: No!
Michael: I know, what you did. I made the whole thing up, Dwight.
Dwight: I think the Sebring's cool. It's cool. The Seabring's cool. It has a cassette and it has a CD.
Michael: Oh do you? Do you like the Sebring- HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you, Dwight?
Dwight: [Dwight gets on his knees and puts his face down on the ground] Don't fire me. Please.
Michael: Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!
Dwight: [terrified] I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!
Michael: Not. Good. Enough!
Dwight: [sobbing] I'll do anything! Anything! I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year!
Michael: I have a laundry machine!
Dwight: I'm sorry! I'll do anything, I swear. [squeaking, crying]
Michael: I don't know if I can trust you anymore.
Dwight: You can't. You can't. But I promise I'll never betray you again. What can I do, Michael. What can I do? [Michael exhales] What can I do? [Dwight has his face to the ground but his butt raised high in the air] What can I do? What can I do?
Michael: You can get up. Get up. [Dwight gets up with spit hanging from his lips] And you can hug it out, bitch. [Dwight and Michael have a firm embrace]
Michael: Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just... let it go. And walk away. And they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn't translate.
Jim: [leaving his desk for the day, pretends pull the pen out of a pretend grenade, and tosses it to Karen]
Karen: [throws some desk material in the air to signify debris from the grenade explosion, grins as Jim walks away]
Michael: Yep. Yeah, we hugged it out. But, it turns out, I was still a little angry. So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, [cut to Dwight standing on a box with 'LIAR' written on a piece of paper hung around his neck, Dwight's head hung in shame] and I'm making him do my laundry for a year.
Michael: Okay. [Jan leaves Michael's office; Dwight enters]
Dwight: Hey. [shuts door] Is everything okay?
Michael: It is not your business, Dwight.
Dwight: If the branch is in trouble, there are things you can do.
Michael: What do you know about management, Dwight?
Dwight: I know that we need to cut costs. We could fire Meredith. That's a big cost.
Michael: I'm not firing anyone.
Dwight: Creed might be living here, we could charge him rent.
Michael: ... What?
Creed: Four nights a week, I sleep under my desk, and then three nights I stay at my place in Toronto. They don't know about this job up there. It's a welfare state. Beautiful countries, both of 'em.
Michael: Okay. Here we go. Everybody, you know what? It dawned on me we were all in there watching a movie together before we were so rudely interrupted, Let's get back in there. [no takers] Come on. Movie Monday! Come on, Stanley let's go.
Stanley: [standing at the supply shelf] I'm on the phone.
Michael: Ryan?
Ryan: I'm pretty sure Jan said that we're not supposed to.
Michael: Okay, well, we had scheduled this time to watch a movie together, so I guess I will just go play some online Scrabble.
Dwight: [looks to Angela]
Angela: [shakes her head disapprovingly]
Dwight: The Schrutes are a very loyal breed. But I also have Mannheim blood from my German grandmother. And the Mannheims knew when to cut and run. No sense going down with a losing regime. But the Schrute blood... It's amazing that when these two bloods mix, the whole thing didn't explode.
Michael: So, she sleeps with him, but she is still in love with the head surgeon, um, the McDreamy guy, and she starts crying, but the dorky doctor, he's in love with her... [phone rings]
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. ... Uh, sure, I'll get him for you. [to Michael] It's Jan for you.
Michael: Really?
Pam: Yeah.
Pam: I may have a few weeks ago faked a call from Jan in order to get out of a synopsis of, I think it was, Navy: NCIS. Since then, Michael's been suspicious.
Kevin: Nnnnice. Wow!
Jim: [playing Call of Duty] Oh? Someone's left out in the open, taking a little siesta. Not smart. [shoots] Yes! Finally killed you... [Karen's desk is empty]
Jan: Hey, Jim?
Jim: Hey, Jan.
Jan: How's work going?
Jim: [nervously] Pretty good.
Jan: [kills Jim's character, giggles] Oh, you know what, I gotta see Josh right now, but remind me to tell you what Dwight said to me earlier, okay? You'll get a big kick out of it. [leaves]
Jim: [baffled expression]
Jim: Things are a little bit... different here in Stamford. [shrug] It's not bad.


Michael: Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?
Ryan: Uh, no thanks, I'm good.
Michael: Oh, it's okay, I'm going down.
Ryan: Um... Yeah, absolutely.
Michael: All right, I'll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs]
Dwight: [laughs uproariously and applauds] Whoo!
Michael: [hands Ryan pencil] There you go.
Dwight: Awesome!
Ryan: Thank you.
Michael: You're welcome.
Dwight: Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?
Michael: Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk]
Dwight: Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo!
Michael: There you go, fresh from the warehouse.
Pam: Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?
Michael: There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam.
Pam: But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better.
Ryan and others: Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great.
Michael: [breathless] All right. Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee]
Michael: I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.
Pam: [after Michael returns with coffee] With cream and sugar?
Michael: [sighs] All right.
Jan: [on speakerphone] So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck.
Michael: Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me?
Jan: Michael, Ed died over the weekend.
Michael: Oh, wow.
Michael: Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died.
Kelly: Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news! You must feel so sad.
Michael: Yes, I am. It's very sad. Because he was my boss.
Phyllis: That's a shame. Ed was a good guy.
Michael: That's right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up.
Michael: So did you hear the news?
Pam: The news that you just announced? That Ed died?
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: Is there anything I can do?
Michael: Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It's... pssssh... . He was almost 70. Circle of life.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: [holds out arms to Pam]
Pam: Oh. Okay.
Michael: Yeah. Mmmmmm.
Pam: [extricating herself] Okay.
Josh: What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list?
Karen: Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry.
Josh: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?
Jim: Oh yeah, definitely.
Andy: [coughing out his words] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?
Josh: Thank you, everyone.
Karen: [at vending machine] Dammit.
Jim: What's up?
Karen: Uh, nothing. They're just out of Herr's chips.
Jim: Oh.
Karen: But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority.
Jim: Mmm, that's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please.
Creed: It's a real shame about Ed, huh?
Michael: Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'.
Creed: About what?
Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off.
Michael: Oh my God.
Dwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?
Michael: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him.
Michael: [clears throat] So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this...
Dwight: Ed was decapitated.
Michael: What are you doing?
Dwight: You said you didn't know how to say it.
Michael: I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.
Dwight: Hey.
Angela: Hi.
Dwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.
Angela: I do not wanna talk about this.
Dwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Michael: I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here.
Jan: [on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?
Michael: You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off.
Jan: Well, what would you suggest?
Michael: [thoughtfully] A statue.
Jan: Of Ed?
Michael: Yeah.
Jan: [scoffs] I'm not sure that's realistic.
Michael: Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him.
Jan: No, that's not-
Michael: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move...
Dwight: That is not a statue, that is a robot.
Michael: I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Dwight: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael: Life-size.
Dwight: Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
Jan: What the hell are you two talking about?
Michael: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.
Jan: You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today...
Michael: Mm hm.
Jan: ...and I have to get back to work.
Michael: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.
Jan: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.
Michael: But Ed truck can't because he is-
Jan: Goodbye. [hangs up]
Michael: DEAD.
Dwight: Look [holding up sketch] I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us.
Michael: That's perfect.
Jim: Okay, that is a 'no' on the on the West Side Market.
Karen: Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now?
Jim: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.
Karen: I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Yeah, all day.
Andy: Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in.
Jim: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier.
Karen: Mm.
Jim: And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen: Yeah, nothing there.
Andy: Did you check your... butt?
Michael: Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.
Phyllis: Okay that's enough.
Michael: What?
Stanley: We do not wanna hear about this.
Michael: Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head!
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.
Michael: Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!
Michael: There are five stages to grief, which are [glancing at computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard. And it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.
Michael: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
Roy: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car.
Michael: Okay, fine. Hurry back.
Roy: [as they leave] There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the 'grief counseling' session.
Pam: Oh. I would like a break.
Roy: How are you likin' the new car?
Pam: Great.
Roy: Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags?
Pam: I think so. I don't know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders.
Roy: [laughs] Well, you're not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah.
Jim: [on phone] Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr's salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't ... . yeah. You have 'em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number... six. Wait, no. I'll call you back. [quickly hangs up] Shut up [to Karen].
Karen: [laughing] Six?
Michael: [as Pam returns to conference room] Okay, we can start. Um...
Pam: You waited for me?
Michael: Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?
Dwight: [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else.
Stanley: [throwing ball back] Nope.
Michael: [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.
Stanley: I will NOT. [throws ball back]
Michael: Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael: Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay.
Ryan: [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Kevin: Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so...
Michael: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game?
Phyllis: Well, there is a ball.
Michael: All right, we're starting over.
Stanley: No, I'm done.
Michael: You are not leaving. No! We are not done.
Angela: We really have a lot of work to do right now.
Michael: Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. [breaking down]
Toby: Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going.
Michael: How do you know?
Toby: What?
Michael: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?
Toby: It was obvious...
Michael: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying]
Dwight: Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael. Michael ...
Michael: [seeing bird] Oh, God!
Dwight: [in disgust] Oh...
Michael: Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ...
Dwight: Poor little fella.
Michael: Oh shhhh-oot!
Dwight: He is a goner.
Michael: No, he's not.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: No, he's not. [cradling bird next to face]
Dwight: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!
Michael: Well, you can't get diseases from a bird!
Angela: A dead bird should not be in the kitchen!
Michael: We don't know if it's dead.
Kelly: Ugh, no that thing is
Dwight: You want me to flush him?
Michael: Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.
Meredith: I have a lot of work to do.
Michael: Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it.
Angela: But...
Michael: No, no, no! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him.
Karen: I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal.
Jim: Nice!
Karen: [on phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir.
Jim: Sounded good.
Karen: Thanks.
Kelly: [crying]
Michael: It's okay. It's okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show.
Kelly: I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan [Michael walks away disgusted] for him to know that we have a date tonight?
Dwight: [trying to shove bird into a can] Argh... gah!
Michael: What are... What are you doing?
Dwight: What? No, this is about the right size.
Michael: No, God, no it's not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!?
Dwight: I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. [pause] It would have fit if he had given me another minute.
Dwight: I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.
Pam: Is it for the bird?
Dwight: Yeah.
Pam: I have it covered. [hands Dwight a decorated box]
Dwight: Oh, thank you.
Pam: If you wanna do something for the funeral...
Dwight: Yes, please.
Pam: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.
Dwight: Excellent.
Pam: Do you have it with you?
Dwight: Always. [runs off]
Pam: Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.
Karen: [spotting Herr's chips on her desk] Where'd you find them?
Jim: Where'd I find what?
Jim: I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door.
Michael: Glad you could all make it.
Kelly: You told us we had to.
Michael: Dwight, do you have the box?
Pam: Actually, I have it.
Michael: You made this? Wow. [impressed] That's... that's very nice.
Ryan: When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking 'I'm a little too old for this.' And I was
Pam: I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay.
Michael: Yes.
Pam: What do we know about this bird? You might think, 'Not much. It's just a bird.' But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above.
Kevin: Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny.
Pam: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.
Dwight: He's not a songbird.
Michael: Shhh.
Pam: An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.
Angela: [quickly] Amen.
Dwight: [begins playing recorder]
Pam: [singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ...
Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
Dwight: Let's get back to work.
Hannah: Hey Jimmy. Want to see some pictures of my baby?
Jim: Umm... sure.
Hannah: [shows picture] Here he is.
Jim: [chuckles] He's so cute.
Hannah: And here's his first bath. Warning: contains nudity.
Jim: That's okay. [Hannah shows pic of husband naked with baby] Oh, no, it's not. I'm sorry, is that your husband in the tub with him?
Hannah: You think we should have left our baby in the tub alone? [Jim shakes head] Talk to me when you have kids.
Jim: Sounds good.
Jan: [on the phone] Ed Truck died over the weekend.
Michael: Oh, wow. He...
Jan: Yeah. And I know... I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know.
Michael: Does his family know?
Jan: Yes, they know, Michael.
Michael: But I'm the first in the office?
Jan: I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects.
Michael: Okay, yes, sure, I will do that...
Jan: Good.
Michael: ...'Cause I'm the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up]
Michael: Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I've had more time to be sad.
Dwight: Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all.
Dwight: Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both.
Michael: I would like you all to clear your schedules this afternoon, because I am telling corporate to send in a grief counselor. We need to find out what is blocking you. And that way, we'll be able to honor Ed the way he deserves to be honored. May he rest in peace.
Kevin: ...ces. [chuckles]
Michael: What was that, Kevin?
Kevin: Nothing.
Michael: No, you said something, didn't you?
Kevin: May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there's, like, two pieces of him.
Michael: You think that's funny.
Kevin: No. [chuckles]
Michael: You are disgusting.
Dwight: Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor.
Michael: No, that can't be right.
Toby: Well, I am trained in grief counseling, but, ahh, I don't think that's what they need right now.
Michael: Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn't it?
Roy: Hey there.
Pam: Hi.
Roy: So how's your day going?
Pam: Well, I will be spending the entire afternoon in grief counseling for someone I've never met.
Roy: That sucks. [laughs] You guys got it much harder up here.
Pam: Closer to the epicenter, I guess.
Roy: [laughs] Cool, all right.
Toby: Well, as you know, Ed Truck passed away. So, I'm here to talk about it if anyone would like to.
Kevin: Not really.
Michael: You're ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice.
Ryan: I did not know Ed Truck. So I will probably spend the day zoning out and planning my weekend. I think Ed would have wanted it that way.
Toby: Is anyone having any trouble eating?
Kevin: No.
Toby: Concentrating? Is anyone having trouble getting their work done today?
Stanley: I'm having trouble getting my work done today.
Toby: Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I'm always available if anyone would like to talk.
Michael: Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I've ever met.
Toby: Michael, I'm sorry...
Michael: No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We're gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we're going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay?
Michael: I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, 'Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?' These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats.
Michael: Okay, part of the problem was that Toby talked at you. Now, I am going to talk with you. First off, I want you to be comfortable, because you really can't grieve if you're all tight and buttoned up. So, guys, loosen your ties, just take your jackets off if you want. Ladies, let your hair down. You know what? Even take your shoes off. I wanna get personal and I want you all to really open up. And I want you to know that anything and everything can be said.
Angela: Okay. I don't think Kevin should take his shoes off.
Kevin: My feet do not smell. Angela knows that hyperhidrosis is a medically diagnosed condition.
Michael: I found an exercise in Toby's binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, 'I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna talk about that. That is too private.' Here's how it works. I'm going to throw you this ball.
Toby: Yeah, the ball-throwing exercise is in the binder. It's in the section marked, 'Fun Ways To Make Brainstorming Sessions Explode With Excitement and Creativity.'
Roy: Hey, my cousin Billy, they just had the twins.
Pam: Really?
Roy: Yeah.
Pam: Wow, I thought that was supposed to be, like, next month.
Roy: Yeah, I know. I guess they couldn't wait. I'll bring in a picture if you...
Pam: Yeah, I'd love to see them. Oh, and tell them I say, 'Congratulations.'
Roy: Sure.
Pam: I should probably head back in.
Roy: Yeah?
Pam: But, umm, thanks for the break.
Roy: No problem.
Michael: [in his office playing with a Dunder Mifflin Truck when it drops and the 'head' of the Truck comes off]
Pam: Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever. When I asked him why, he said, 'Because the whole family forgets the kid at home. There is nothing funny about that.'
Michael: That's... Hold it, hold it, hold it. Start, like, right in there. [Dwight digs hole in ground] Just dig.
Dwight: Ow! God!
Michael: Okay, give it to me. You don't know what you're doing. All right. [Michael starts digging]
Man: Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing over there?
Michael: Nothing. Let's just... all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use?


Dwight: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight: No, I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight: Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...
Ryan: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.
Dwight: A hunter.
Ryan: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight: Damn it!
Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael: Uhhh... nothing.
Jan: Nothing?
Michael: Yeah, nothing. How was your day?
Jan: I don't care how your day was Michael.
Michael: Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?
Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael: I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?
Michael: Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.
Jan: Hi, Pam.
Pam: Hi.
Jan: I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?
Pam: Oh, I don't know if I'm...
Jan: Thanks Pam.
Pam: It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five.
Dwight: So you excited?
Ryan: Yeah.
Dwight: Very excited?
Ryan: Yes. I'm very excited.
Dwight: Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool.
Ryan: I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited.
Dwight: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?
Ryan: So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? [car stops] So where's the sales office?
Dwight: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.
Karen: [squeaky chair] Hey.
Jim: What?
Karen: My chair is squeaking.
Jim: Is it?
Karen: You took my chair.
Jim: No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.
Karen: When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so...
Jim: So I guess I can't get up.
Michael: Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.
Dwight: Do you know where we are, temp?
Ryan: I know where we're not.
Dwight: I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. [Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand] AH! [Ryan tries again and takes seed] When... Damn it.
Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second.
Jim: Sure.
Andy: Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?
Karen: That's it? That's what you came up with?
Andy: I'm acting my heart out here.
Karen: Really?
Andy: Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped.
Announcer: Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants.
Pam: Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is.
Michael: Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me.
Michael: [looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh... Come on.
Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.
Dwight: Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?
Ryan: Uh huh.
Dwight: It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Ryan: Gotcha.
Dwight: Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.
Ryan: Ok. [Dwight drives away] Of course.
Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.
Kelly: Because they acted all tough and everything...
Michael: Uh huh.
Kelly: But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to...
Michael: [Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?
Phyllis: I'm just saying hi to Bob.
Michael: No, I think you're cutting in line.
Bob: Well settle down, Scott.
Michael: No, I'm not going to settle down.
Stanley: No way.
Michael: Get in the back please.
Stanley: Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line.
Michael: Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five's Stanley]. That's right.
Bob: What a pair of Mary's.
Stanley: This is Pretzel Day.
Ryan: Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship.
Dwight: Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.
Karen: [rocks in squeaky chair]
Jim: [sings] Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me,
Karen: stop.
Jim: Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me
Karen: This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please.
Jim: fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me,
Karen: This is not a proportionate response.
Jim: Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.
Andy: I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?
Pam: Michael.
Michael: No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind.
Pam: Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks.
Michael: I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel.
Pam: Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel.
Michael: Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown.
Pam: You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today.
Michael: Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back.
Dwight: It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.
Ryan: Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it.
Dwight: You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?
Ryan: Yeah.
Dwight: Come on!
Stanley: Thank you! [takes pretzel]
Michael: Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel guy: We do.
Michael: Thank God.
Pretzel guy: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar.
Michael: Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?
Pretzel guy: The Works. You got it.
Michael: All right! Thank you!
Dwight: Please be seated. [man runs behind Dwight]
Ryan: Who was that?
Dwight: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan: Is that your Cousin Mose?
Dwight: Yes.
Dwight: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.
Dwight: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Ryan: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Dwight: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?
Ryan: Depression?
Dwight: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?
Kelly: I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?
Angela: Sales take a long time.
Kelly: Oh my God, I'm so worried.
Angela: I'm sure Dwight will protect him.
Kelly: I don't know. Dwight's so weird.
Angela: He's not weird, he's just individualistic.
Kelly: No, he's a freak.
Angela: You're a freak!
Dwight: Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?
Ryan: Um, loneliness. Maybe women.
Dwight: Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.
Ryan: No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK.
Dwight: Wrestle him to the ground.
Ryan: No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye.
Dwight: Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?
Cousin Mose: Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice.
Dwight: Where are all the animals?
Dwight: Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.
Dwight: You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.
Ryan: Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call.
Dwight: Screwgun. The sales call!
Kevin: [Michael is listening to 'Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter' and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song] Hey! Hey!
Michael: Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?
Dwight: Establish time frames. Keep the phrase 'real dollars' in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.
Ryan: Wait, can you go back?
Dwight: Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
Ryan: Ok, I'm going to establish time frames.
Dwight: Good.
Ryan: I'm going to put everything in terms of 'real dollars'.
Dwight: Right.
Ryan: I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers.
Dwight: Uh huh.
Ryan: Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing.
Dwight: Exactly. Yes.
Ryan: I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky.
Michael: Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second...
Toby: Second?
Michael: Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.
Kevin: Account...? Michael, what is going on?
Michael: And I will be taking questions.
Pam: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?
Phyllis: What's on your suit?
Michael: Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!
Ryan: They really didn't like me.
Dwight: They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.
Ryan: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.
Dwight: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? [Ryan throws egg at building] Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.
Ryan: You drive.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan.
Dwight: [Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink] Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: I think about that all the time.
Kevin: Night, Pam.
Pam: Night.
Michael: Hey, what time is it?
Pam: 20 past 5.
Michael: AM or PM?
Pam: PM.
Michael: Oh, good.
Pam: These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?
Michael: Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.
Pam: This is a huge sale.
Michael: Yes. Right. Good.
Pam: Night, Michael.
Michael: Goodnight!
Pam: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin.
Jim: Ah, hey.
Pam: Oh my God.
Jim: Hi.
Pam: Hi.
Jim: Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there?
Pam: I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Jim: Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?
Pam: Yeah, totally. So...
Jim: So...
Pam: Do you...
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Pam: Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here.
Jim: Oh, good.
Pam: A little different. What time is it there?
Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
Pam: Oh, yeah. Right.
Jim: How far away did you think we were?
Pam: I don't know. It felt far.
Jim: Yeah. I have a question for you.
Pam: What?
Jim: How many words per minute does the average person type?
Pam: I type 90.
Jim: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.
Pam: It's true.
Jim: Ok, I said average.
Pam: 70? How many do you type?
Jim: Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it.
Pam: Come on. Tell me.
Jim: No.
Pam: You have to tell me now.
Jim: 65. Ok, no need to laugh.
Pam: No, it's, that's respectable.
Jim: Respectable?
Pam: So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself...
Jim: Right.
Pam: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home...
Jim: Ok.
Pam: And, I'm freaking out.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: That movie is so scary!
Jim: I know!
Pam: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
Jim: No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Pam: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.
Jim: No, you're making this up!
Pam: Would I make that up?
Jim: Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories.
Pam: Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.
Jim: And how many kitchens?
Pam: I have one kitchen.
Jim: Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley.
Pam: It's actually...
Jim: Most apartments these days have like three.
Pam: Three kitchens?
Jim: Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?
Pam: [Ryan and Dwight enter] Hey, Ryan, are you ok?
Jim: Pam?
Ryan: Yeah. Yeah.
Jim: Pam?
Pam: Um. Ok, bye.
Jim: Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too.
Pam: No, I was um...
Jim: Oh, no no.
Pam: You have to go?
Jim: Yeah, uh, well.
Pam: No, I should probably go too.
Jim: Ok.
Pam: I mean, yeah.
Jim: Yeah. Bye Pam.
Pam: Bye Jim.
Stanley: Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day.
Jan: What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time.
Michael: Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out.
Jan: Zoning out?
Michael: Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it.
Jan: If you can account for your time...
Michael: Yes, big if.
Jan: ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary.
Michael: A woman spurned.
Pam: It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier.
Dwight: Take a good look at this boy...
Michael: I always do.
Dwight: ...because you are never going to see him again.
Michael: If you lay a finger...
Dwight: Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man.
Michael: Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on.
Pam: Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal.
Dwight: I once saw a movie called 'Training Day'. It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American.
Dwight: Get in the car.
Ryan: I don't have a key.
Dwight: Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear]
Ryan: He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great.
Dwight: No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking.
Ryan: Huh.
Dwight: Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car.
Dwight: Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here.
Ryan: What was that first thing you did?
Dwight: [wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing.
Ryan: Oh.
Dwight: What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better.
Ryan: It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know.
Michael: 9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: log. Lost log. Found log.' '10:00 to 11:00, light salad, three points.' That's on the wrong page.
Pam: Hey, let's focus today. Make today all about focus. I'll help you.
Michael: Okay. That sounds good. [puts banana in toy mouth that's in his mouth] [laughs] Yes. Actually, today's a good day to do that.
Pam: Yeah.
Ryan: You know, every time I think I hit rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. 'Hey, mom.' 'Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?' 'Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field.' 'Oh, that's cool.' 'Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job.'
Dwight: Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! [discovers two teenagers naked, running] You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile.
Kevin: [in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] Shoot.
Stanley: There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough.
Michael: What makes them so good?
Stanley: I do not know.
Michael: I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth.
Stanley: That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh]
Karen: Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie.
Jim: See, that's weird.
Karen: But if you said 'Go ahead, make my day,' I would know that it's from 'Dirty Harry'. How can you not know that's from 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off'?
Andy: Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey.
Jim: I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film.
Andy: Seriously, you guys, ask me.
Karen: You didn't know that 'Bueller?' was from Ferris Bueller?
Andy: Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws.