Michael: I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast.
Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
Michael: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?
Michael: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. 'Home Alone,' 'Risky Business.' Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.
Ryan: I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts.
Michael: Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs.
Michael: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.
Dwight: Diversifying. Smart.
Michael: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Dwight: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.
Michael: Maybe.
Jim: [looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk]
Pam: [laughs]
Pam: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him.
Pam: You see Dwight's coffee mug?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.
Jim: No way. Let's do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh.
Pam: Here.
Jim: Wind.
Pam: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight.
Jim: Perfect. [misses]
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Oh.
Dwight: You should go.
Michael: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough.
Dwight: Uh huh.
Michael: Sign the papers at the condo.
Dwight: You have your lawyer there?
Michael: Uh, I don't need one.
Dwight: Can I be your representative?
Michael: I don't need a representative.
Dwight: I think I should be there.
Michael: No, No.
Dwight: I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code.
Michael: No. Dwight. I'm fine.
Dwight: Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work.
Michael: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal.
Dwight: So you're taking a personal day?
Michael: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.
Dwight: Please, I'll make you proud.
Michael: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.
Dwight: Yes! As your representative?
Michael: As my associate.
Dwight: Same thing.
Michael: No it is not.
Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Michael: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies.
Pam: You headed out?
Michael: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day.
Pam: Ok.
Michael: Very good.
Pam: Have a great time.
Michael: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Michael: Good. The Small Business Man?
Pam: Yup.
Michael: Maxim? American Way? Cracked?
Pam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.
Michael: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?
Pam: [shakes head]
Michael: NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Ok. See you soon.
Dwight: What kind of shocks you got on this baby?
Michael: I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?
Dwight: [tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down.
Michael: What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please...
Dwight: But then no one can see us.
Michael: I... Just... Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.
Dwight: Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator.
Michael: I do not understand what you spend your money on.
Kevin: [paper football lands on desk] Ooh.
Jim: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter?
Oscar: Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know.
Jim: [points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean?
Oscar: Eh.
Jim: Wait a minute, what is this?
Oscar: It's a scoreboard.
Jim: What?
Oscar: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out.
Jim: Really?
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: Or when we're bored.
Jim: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years.
Kevin: We're bored a lot.
Jim: [flicks football onto Kevin's desk] OH!
Kevin: Oh!
Oscar: Sweet!
Jim: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah.
Kevin: We call it Hate Ball.
Jim: Why?
Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it.
Jim: Hey, do you guys have any other games?
Kevin: Sometimes we play 'Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?'
Angela: You
Oscar: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball.
Michael: Home, sweet home.
Dwight: Which one's yours?
Michael: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... [turns around] no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home.
Jim: [bounces ball off wall with Toby] So that's what this sound is all day.
Carol: Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association.
Michael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something.
Bill: Nice to meet you.
Michael: Nice to meet you too.
Dwight: This is smaller than your old place.
Michael: Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um.
Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Carol: Are we ready to sign some papers?
Dwight: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood.
Bill: It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles.
Carol: It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael: Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that.
Dwight: Let's go check out the master bedroom.
Jim: Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games?
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called 'work hard so my kids can go to college.'
Jim: Fair enough.
Michael: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall.
Dwight: Oh. Terrible idea.
Michael: I'm putting my bed right over here.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed.
Michael: Well, then I will get a warrantee.
Dwight: Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off.
Michael: Well then I won't get a warrantee.
Dwight: Shh Shh.
Michael: So that's the problem, is solved. What?
Dwight: Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.
Jim: [sings Olympic theme song] This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids.
Pam: Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system.
Angela: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work.
Jim: Let the games begin. [sings Olympic theme]
Carol: And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow.
Dwight: What kind of mortgage did you get?
Michael: Uh... Ten year.
Carol: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total.
Michael: What? Wha? You said ten.
Carol: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total.
Dwight: Ho, thirty years.
Michael: Ok, ok, ok.
Dwight: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.
Michael: Alright.
Dwight: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.
Michael: Ok. Alright. Oh boy.
Dwight: Well, this is it.
Carol: Whenever you're ready.
Michael: Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?
Carol: Actually yes.
Dwight: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.
Michael: Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me.
Dwight: We'll be here waiting for you.
Michael: Oh, man.
Dwight: A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.
Carol: Whenever you're ready, Michael.
Michael: Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees]
Jim: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam?
Pam: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton.
Jim: Hum.
Pam: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.
Jim: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton.
Pam: The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.
Jim: So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone?
Phyllis: I'll do it.
Jim: Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk.
Michael: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't...
Carol: What?
Michael: ...know if you showed me this same unit or not.
Carol: Michael, this is the unit you saw and...
Michael: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
Carol: Who told you that?
Michael: As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here.
Michael: There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down.
Carol: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom.
Michael: No, no, no.
Carol: That's some extra income for you.
Michael: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.
Carol: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.
Michael: Ehhhh...
Michael: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.
Dwight: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs]
Jim: Here we go. Here we go.
Pam: Go! Go! Go!
Oscar: Pair of shoes!
Jim: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis!
Pam: It's Phyllis!
Jim: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton.
Pam: Flonkerton.
Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland.
Meredith: Wow!
Kevin: [empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth]
Jim: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow.
Michael: There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today.
Dwight: You didn't have to...
Michael: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.
Michael: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities.
Dwight: I don't even know what to say.
Michael: I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone.
Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place.
Dwight: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.
Pam: Are you sure you don't want to play?
Angela: I'm sure.
Pam: Come on Angela, don't you have a game?
Angela: I have one, yes.
Pam: Well, let's play, what is it?
Angela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.
Pam: We're friends.
Angela: Apparently.
Jim: Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis.
Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it.
Dwight: Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?
Michael: We take separate cars.
Dwight: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Michael: Why would we do that?
Dwight: Just for fun?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?
Michael: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok.
Dwight: Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch.
Oscar: Ah...
Everyone: OH!
Jim: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?
Ryan: I did.
Jim: Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal.
Pam: I made something for our closing ceremonies.
Jim: What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?
Pam: Automatic voicemail.
Jim: Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work!
Pam: [sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet]
Stanley: A little bit more and I would have had it.
Dwight: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.
Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight: People love beets.
Michael: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight: Everybody loves beets.
Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.
Dwight: Let's get this roof going.
Michael: Stop it! [smacks Dwight's arm]
Dwight: Ow.
Jim: Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15.
Stanley: Oscar!
Crowd: Go! Go! Go!
Jim: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys?
Dwight: What is going on?
Jim: Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er?
Dwight: That's my stopwatch.
Jim: [hands expense report to Oscar] Here you go. All done.
Oscar: Great.
Jim: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so.
Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?
Jim: Hey.
Pam: I have 59 voicemails.
Jim: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?
Pam: Sure.
Jim: Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Notify the athletes.
Pam: Cool.
Jim: Michael.
Michael: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on?
Jim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Michael: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly.
Jim: Nice.
Michael: You know.
Jim: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you.
Michael: Really?
Michael: What's this?
Jim: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps]
Michael: I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment.
Jim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal.
Michael: Get up here, Dwight.
Dwight: Silver medal.
Michael: Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem?
Jim: Um... 'Cause your condo's in America.
Michael: Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that?
Jim: Those are the doves.
Pam: Hey. Morning.
Jim: Oh, Pam? Can I see you in here for a second? It's important, so...
Pam: Okay. What? What is this?
Jim: I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot.
Pam: Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
Jim: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do. What do you think?
Pam: I know. I know what to do.
Jim: Okay, what?
Pam: Okay. Put everything back exactly how you found it.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Hey, Dwight. Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot.
Dwight: What did you do to it?
Jim: Nothing.
Dwight: I'm serious. What did you do to it?
Pam: Dwight, I swear, we didn't do anything.
Dwight: Nice try. [on the phone] Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card.
Oscar: I mean, you've got, you've got stuff here. You rented 'Mermaids.' You can't... It's a movie. You can't deduct that, you know that.
Kevin: All right.
Angela: It's not an office expense.
Kevin: Yes, thank you.
Angela: Next year, you should file your stuff in a basket.
Oscar: Remember last year he slipped by with 'Stripes.' He rented 'Stripes,' he had it for a week.
Kevin: Please...
Oscar: And that got through, so maybe he's thinking he can do that from now on.
Kevin: Please, please. Please.
Dwight: What are the specs?
Michael: Oh, okay. I'll tell you. Let's see here. Three bedroom, two bath...
Dwight: [talking over Michael] Nice.
Michael: ...contemporary townhouse. Two car parking...
Dwight: [talking over Michael] Yes.
Michael: ...wall-to-wall carpets...
Dwight: [talking over Michael] God, what a steal.
Michael: ...all fixtures included. Yes, this is... This is looking good.
Dwight: Does it have a deck?
Michael: I think it does.
Dwight: Have you seen it?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Does it have a deck?
Michael: I think it has a... Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck.
Michael: When a man is laying on his deathbed there are four things that go through his mind. Was I well-loved? Check. Did I express myself? Did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check. Check, check, check, check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate? And when I close on this condo, I will be able to check that one as well.
Jim: What do you call it? Schruteball?
Pam: Okay. How about skeet Schruteing?
Jim: Did you just come up with that?
Pam: Mmm-hmmm.
Jim: That is good. That's it. That's what it is.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: Wow. [cup tinkles]
Pam: Oh, oh.
Jim: Oh, Somebody went in. That was a team effort, Pam.
Pam: Oh!
Michael: Home owner. About to join an exclusive club, Dwight. Maybe some day these people out here will know what that feels like. Maybe not. Who knows? Not my problem. [groans]
Dwight: It's time.
Michael: Are we ready?
Dwight: That's it.
Michael: Are we gonna do it?
Michael: This is all mine. All the way down around the corner. It's a shared space, but I can use it whenever I want to,
Dwight: Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department.
Michael: Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station.
Dwight: Same thing.
Michael: No.
Dwight: Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years.
Michael: Oh, anything bad?
Dwight: Two charges of loitering,
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight: one noise complaint, several speeding tickets.
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight: Do you own a gun?
Michael: No.
Dwight: I'd think about it.
Michael: I don't need a gun.
Man: Hello?
Michael: Hello! How are you? I'm, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we're going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what's the vibe? What's the vibe of this place?
Man: Uh, I don't know. It's pretty quiet.
Michael: Oh... That's gonna change. [laughing]
Man: Why?
Michael: Because I loves to party and I'm gonna be partying my butt out at this place.
Man: Okay, but there's an 11:00 noise curfew.
Dwight: Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate.
Man: Who is Mr. Scott?
Dwight: Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera?
Man: No.
Michael: Here's a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool.
Toby: So it's like volleyball.
Jim: Okay.
Toby: Okay, you get a one-second hold on the ball...
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Toby: ...and you bounce it off the wall on your side of the tape.
Jim: Oh, okay. Oh, do... that's what the tape is for. I didn't know.
Toby: Yeah, Michael asked about it once. I just pretended not to hear him. He left.
Michael: I think I'm going to make myself some microwave popcorn. [humming] Press 'Popcorn.' Oh, that's gonna be delicious. I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. You know what? I could do with some hot chocolate as well. Oh, drat. I can't make hot chocolate and popcorn at the same time, unless, I can. Boom! Second microwave for le hot chocolat.
Carol: Hello.
Michael: Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you?
Carol: Hello, hi. Hey, Michael.
Michael: Good to see you.
Dwight: Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground.
Jim: Hey, Phyllis, Do you have any games that you play in the office?
Phyllis: What do you mean?
Jim: Um, like stapler tennis or something like that.
Phyllis: No.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Second bedroom for the ladies. I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed, or for friends or family, whoever wants to pop on by to casa de Scott. And right in here... What, what's in here? Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there? Limitless possibilities.
Dwight: Seal it off.
Michael: What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there?
Dwight: Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation.
Michael: Oh, my God. Dwight.
Dwight: Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time.
Michael: You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids' room.
Dwight: Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend.
Michael: I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids.
Dwight: Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?
Michael: I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman.
Dwight: Just a possibility.
Michael: No, it's not. Just shut up.
Dwight: If you fall in love with her.
Michael: You're an ass. Shut it.
Dwight: I smell mold.
Michael: No, you don't.
Dwight: Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives.
Michael: I'm gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here.
Carol: How?
Michael: This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks.
Dwight: [looking into his coffee mug] What the hell?


Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second.
Jim: Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker.
Pam: Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud?
Jim: So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye.
Pam: [to Jim] Hey! You can just give her your extension.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think.
Ryan: The temp agency wants to know what you think.
Michael: Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! [laughs]
Dwight: Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years.
Michael: Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be?
Ryan: Ah, well, I'm interested in business.
Michael: Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager?
Ryan: Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company.
Michael: That is ridiculous.
Michael: Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.
Michael: [speaks in a Yoda voice] Much advice you seek. [regular voice] Do you know who that is?
Ryan: Fozzie bear?
Michael: Mmm... No. That was Yoda.
Michael: There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play.
Ryan: Got it.
Michael: And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.
Michael: [to Ryan] [makes clicking noises like shooting a gun] Hey!
Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto.
Oscar: [in background, on phone] But it says no late fee... .
Dwight: [alarm sounds] People!
Angela: Okay! Everybody!
Dwight: This is not a test! Move to the exits!
Angela: Do not panic!
Dwight: Head towards the exits.
Angela: Safety partners.
Dwight: Get up off your desks!
Angela: Do not panic.
Oscar: [in phone] No, I don't hear it? Alright.
Dwight: No, panic is warranted!
Angela: Go in single file lines.
Oscar: [in phone] No, no. Finish the...
Dwight: This is not at drill!
Angela: Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides!
Dwight: Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively!
Angela: Go, let's go.
Dwight: This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow!
Dwight: This is not a test! Can you leave?!
Phyllis: Oh, you say that every time.
Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?
Phyllis: Oh, boy...
Dwight: Do you want to die? OUT!!
Angela: Alright, let's go, let's go.
Dwight: STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Angela: Come on, you're safety partners!
Dwight: Move to the exits!
Angela: You're safety partners!
Dwight: We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! [Spots Kelly] Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you!
Kelly: I'm okay!
Dwight: Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose.
Kelly: Let go of me!
Dwight: Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW!
Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Michael: Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two.
Dwight: Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he?
Michael: So what was rule two?
Ryan: Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act.
Michael: Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower.
Dwight: Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off.
Michael: Okay, uh, well, one is taken.
Ryan: Uh, okay, two?
Dwight: NO!
Ryan: Okay... uh, sorry?
Dwight: Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today.
Michael: Well, he needs a permanent number, right?
Ryan: No.
Ryan: ...I don't.
Dwight: Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers.
Michael: Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges.
Dwight: That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers...
Ryan: I don't want to be like 'a guy' here. You know? Like, Stanley is the 'crossword puzzle guy'. And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the 'something guy'.
Jim: Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do?
Stanley: Ooh.
Jim: And, um...
Pam: ...Would You Rather?
Jim: Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game.
Dwight: [to firemen] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a...
Jim: Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela.
Angela: The Bible.
Stanley: That's one book. You've got two others.
Angela: A Purpose Driven Life.
Jim: Nice. Third book?
Angela: No.
Jim: Okay. Phyllis.
Phyllis: Um, The DaVinci Code.
Angela: The DaVinci Code!
Jim: Nice.
Angela: I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight: Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island?
Jim: I guess.
Dwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books.
Jim: Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight.
Dwight: Fine. Physician's Desk Reference.
Jim: Nice. Smart.
Dwight: ...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?
Michael: Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it?
Ryan: Yeah.
Jim: Okay. Thought people read more books.
Jim: DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith?
Meredith: Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County...
Jim: Wow.
Pam: Legends of the Fall?
Jim: Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... .
Pam: Well, I kind of liked Legal...
Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable.
Pam: I take it back.
Jim: Unforgivable.
Pam: I take it back!
Jim: Good.
Meredith: ...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene...
Dwight: Is this your car, Ryan?
Michael: Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh?
Ryan: [to Dwight] Don't...
Dwight: Good shocks.
Michael: Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for...
Ryan: That's actually a test prep book.
Michael: ...for Phone. What?
Ryan: That's a test prep for business school.
Michael: Um, oh, thinking about business school?
Ryan: I just got in. I applied, I go at night.
Michael: Really?
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: So you think you know a lot about business?
Ryan: No, not yet.
Michael: Uh huh.
Ryan: Just started.
Michael: Yeah. Quiz me.
Ryan: I... wouldn't even know where to start.
Michael: Come on, egghead. Let's do it.
Dwight: Do it.
Michael: Quiz me up.
Ryan: All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years?
Michael: Uh...
Michael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me.
Ryan: Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer?
Dwight: Keep an existing...
Michael: [to Dwight] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? [to Ryan] Uh, it's equal.
Ryan: It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer.
Michael: Okay. Yes! It was a trick question.
Dwight: Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks.
Michael: Okay, Dwight.
Dwight: Self taught. You didn't even go to college.
Michael: You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about.
Dwight: [scoffs] Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh?
Michael: For instance, why don't you go to business...
Dwight: [to Ryan] You should learn from him, right?
Ryan: I am.
Dwight: Right?
Ryan: I am.
Michael: Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will.
Dwight: Stupid!
Michael: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all.
Michael: Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be?
Ryan: It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base.
Michael: You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me.
Jim: Pam? Get us back into it.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Five movies. Go ahead.
Pam: Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused...
Jim: Ooh, definitely in my top five.
Pam: Yes. In my top three, so suck it.
Jim: What?
Pam: Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and...
Jim: Okay that's five.
Pam: No, my all time favorite!
Jim: Pam, play by the rules.
Pam: All time favorite.
Jim: Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie.
Dwight: The Crow.
Michael: I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think?
Ryan: Maybe we should get some air.
Michael: Nah, I'm okay.
Ryan: I'm really uncomfortable.
Jim: All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do?
Kevin: Present company excluded?
Jim: Um, not neccessari...
Kevin: Pam.
Oscar: Pam.
Jim: Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then...
song: ['Everybody Hurts' by R.E.M.] Think you've had too much / in this life.
Jim: Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back.
Stanley: Okay, um...
Jim: Dwight. Dwight.
Song: Everybody hurts,
Jim: Come on Dwight! Use words.
Song: Sometim... .
Dwight: Why didn't I go to business school?
Jim: Who goes to business school?
Dwight: The temp.
Jim: He does?
Dwight: Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore.
Pam: You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'.
Dwight: He doesn't even know that I do that.
Pam: You should tell him.
Dwight: Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.
Pam: Dwight.
Jim: What?
Dwight: I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway.
Jim: You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them.
Dwight: Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins.
Jim: Yeah. You're right.
Dwight: Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time.
Pam: Kay.
Song: Everybody hurts
Jim: Alright buddy.
Song: Everybody cries
Roy: Hey! Guys, what's going on?
Jim: Nothing.
Pam: Hey!
Song: Everybody hurts
Roy: What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit?
Song: Sometimes
Roy: The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes.
Stanley: Come on people, you know the rules of the game now.
Michael: Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here?
Stanley: Okay. It's called Who Would You Do?
Michael: Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy?
Roy: Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond?
Angela: My name is Angela.
Roy: Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you.
Michael: Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do?
Jim: Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling.
Michael: Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business.
Roy: You're all gay.
Michael: Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo...
Ryan: [answers phone] Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing.
Michael: Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So...
Dwight: Would that make you happy?
Michael: What's that?
Dwight: If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy?
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: I'm on it.
Michael: Dwight. Hey!
Angela: You can't go in yet!
Michael: Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen.
Kevin: What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him.
Michael: I didn't say it to him. I said it about him.
Meredith: ...Jim.
Phyllis: Definitely Jim.
Kelly: Definitely, definitely, Jim.
Phyllis: Come on, Pam.
Kelly: How about you Pam?
Pam: Um... Oscar's kind of cute.
Phyllis: Yeah, I like Oscar.
Pam: Ooh, Toby!
Michael: [in the background] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either.
Meredith: Is there anybody else.
Kevin: [clears his throat]
Jim: [on the phone] Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs...
Michael: Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find.
Ryan: What's your number?
Michael: I gave it to you in the car.
Ryan: Um...
Michael: I saw you program it in.
Ryan: You got to... you got to give it to me again.
Michael: Okay. Alright.
Ryan: Now I have it.
Michael: Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir...
Dwight: [coughing]
Michael: Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh.
Dwight: [coughing] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing.
Michael: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school.
Dwight: That's exactly what I said.
Michael: Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan?
Dwight: Were you absent?
Michael: Toaster Oven 101?
Dwight: You failed?
Ryan: I am so sorry.
Michael: Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans.
Dwight: I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? [sings to Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire'] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!
Dwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning-
Dwight: Everybody!
Michael: [singing] ...since the world was turning.
Ryan: I can't believe I started the fire.
Dwight and Michael: [sing gibberish to 'We Didn't Start the Fire']
Dwight: [singing] ... Marilyn Monroe!
Dwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning...
Dwight: Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it!
Katy: Hi!
Jim: Hey.
Katy: How are you?
Jim: Good, how are you?
Katy: I'm good. It's good to see you.
Jim: Good to see you, too.
Katy: I'm hungry.
Jim: Yeah, I am too.
Katy: Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers.
Jim: What answers?
Katy: Um, for the... the desert island.
Jim: Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. [to everyone] Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. [to Katy] Desert Island. Five movies. Go.
Katy: Okay, um, first, Legally Blond.
Pam: I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car.
Jim: Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch?
Katy: Okay.
Jim: Yeah?
Katy: Alright! You want to drive?
Jim: Sure.
Katy: Alright.
Katy: [looking at Roy and Pam] They are soo cute.
Ryan: I'm really sorry, Dwight.
Dwight: Answer me this, though.
Ryan: What?
Dwight: Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp?
Ryan: No.
Kevin: Was it worth it?
Dwight: Really?
Ryan: I'm really sorry, Dwight.
Dwight: The fire guy! The fire guy!
Dwight: [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!
Michael: Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer.
Michael: Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart.
Michael: I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.
Jim: Seventy and clear, that's nice. Where's that?
Pam: That's here.
Dwight: I'm Michael's number two. He's one, I'm two. He's Alpha, I'm Beta. He's A, I'm B. It's easy. Whatever Michael is, I'm one less.
Michael: Rule three: Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four: Failure is not an option.
Dwight: Oh, my God. Ryan is gonna love these.
Michael: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And at the end I will reveal, that they were all just one rule.
Dwight: That is so cool.
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Dwight: Plus you can go, 'Rule five, see rule six. Rule six, see rule five.'
Michael: No, I'm not trying to trick him. I'm trying to be a good mentor. So...
Dwight: Kill or be killed.
Michael: No.
Dwight: Shoot to kill, or kill to shoot.
Michael: No, come on, Dwight, I have to have 10 of these by lunch, I promised Ryan.
Dwight: You could ask for an extension.
Michael: I'm not asking the temp for an extension unless I really need it.
Dwight: I know Michael's every move. It's not something you can just pick up. I could write a book about him. Literally. I started once, but Michael made me stop.
Dwight: Hey, how's it going, man?
Ryan: Good. What's up?
Dwight: Oh, nothing much. What's up with you?
Ryan: I'm good, thanks.
Dwight: Good. Good, I'm good, too. How's it cracking?
Ryan: Uh, fine. What's up?
Dwight: You know what you would love? Guns N' Roses. When I was your age, I loved Guns N' Roses. Do you like Guns N' Roses? I'll make you a tape.
Ryan: Cool.
Dwight: I'll make you two tapes.
Ryan: I don't have a tape player. So...
Dwight: Someday, temp. I've got a couple of shirts that don't fit so well anymore. I'll bring them by. Okay, see you later.
Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection, like an umbilical cord. And the thing is with Ryan is that I don't want him to trip on it, or get it caught around his neck.
Kevin: Sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight. [snickering] Sixty-nine. Seventy. Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three.
Pam: I like fire drills. You know what's the greatest? Like, when you were in school and the teacher would let you have class outside.
Jim: Oh, the best.
Pam: Yeah, it was great because it was like you're supposed to be working, but nothing ever gets done.
Jim: Yeah, we had outside classes all the time and we never did anything.
Pam: [chuckling]
Jim: Actually if I had fewer outside classes, I probably wouldn't be stuck here at a paper company.
Pam: You're not stuck.
Angela: Yes, there is a real fire, but it's okay. Everyone got out fine. This is why you practice these things.
Michael: Yes, yes, I ran out first. A captain is always the first one on the ship and the last one off the ship. And this parking lot is our ship when the building is on fire. So, I ran out onto the ship.
Jim: Okay, DVDs. Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Toby, go ahead.
Toby: Say Anything, The Shining, Annie Hall, that's too obvious.
Jim: Those are like my favorite movies. I didn't really think you could win Desert Island, but I think you just did.
Toby: Toy Story 2, one of the best movies I ever saw. I went for my daughter and stayed because you can't leave your daughter in a theater.
Jim: Toby and I used to sit together until Michael moved us because he thought we talked too much.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Jim: Kevin, do it.
Kevin: Uh, Cannonball Run, Cannonball Run II, [snickering] Weekend at Bernie's, Weekend at Bernie's II, and, oh, Groundhog Day.
Jim: Groundhog Day.
Stanley: I have a client who watches that movie once a week, at least.
Kevin: Really?
Stanley: I should put you in touch with him. Maybe we could get together and work on that account.
Kevin: I would love that.
Jim: Okay, guys, guys, guys. That almost sounded like business, and we are trying to focus here today, okay?
Michael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked at Arby's and then I worked selling cutlery for a while. Cutlery that could decimate a penny, I kid you not. There were these shears that could cut straight through a penny. So I have life experience and work experience that Ryan doesn't, and will never have.
Jim: And then you go to school for three years.
Ryan: For two years, and it's only at night, and then it's on your resume forever.
Jim: Wow. And just out of curiosity, how much is it?
Ryan: $650 bucks
Jim: A semester?
Ryan: A credit.
Jim: Wow.
Ryan: It's an investment.
Jim: Oh, yeah, it sounds like it.
Ryan: I think it's worth it.
Michael: If I could change the life of one person, just one person. I... Actually, that's shooting kind of low. I already did that when I was born. I changed two people's lives. Mom and Dad. Um, if I could change the lives of 5,000 people... 10,000. No, five. I'd be satisfied with 5,000. I... 10,000 though, that'd be something. Wow, 10,000 people. Because, you know what? Even one is amazing.


Michael: Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh... that's great!
Pam: Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called.
Michael: Ohh... OK.
Michael: I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay.
Sherri: [on phone] Jan Levinson's office.
Michael: Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning.
Sherri: Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go.
Michael: Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day.
Sherri: I just need the name of who you're planning to let go.
Michael: I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back.
Sherri: I know she wanted the name.
Michael: Okay... Sherri?
Sherri: Yeah?
Michael: If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you?
Sherri: Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael.
Michael: Thanks.
Sherri: Mm-Hmm.
Michael: I'll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri.
Sherri: Hey, I'm still here.
Michael: Okay! I'm sorry.
Sherri: Yeah.
Michael: No?
Sherri: OK.
Michael: Bye.
Sherri: Hanging up now.
Michael: I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about.
Pam: [entering] You wanted me?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: [notices Michael's costume] Papier-mache?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: Hmm.
Michael: Yeeesh.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Pam: Why did you put it off until Halloween?
Michael: Because it's very scary stuff.
Pam: I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little.
Michael: You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.
Pam: So it's a man?
Michael: No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be?
Pam: I just answer the phone.
Michael: And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
Pam: You're costume is fantastic! [laughs]
Michael: I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around]
Pam: Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay...
Michael: Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody.
Dwight: [eyeing Jim's costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be?
Jim: I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch.
Phyllis: That's great!
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Dwight: Yeah, well look... [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me?
Phyllis: What are you? A monk?
Dwight: I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Phyllis: Ass.
Michael: Hey.
Oscar: Michael.
Michael: You guys excited about the party?
Angela: Yeah.
Michael: It's gonna be fun.
Kevin: Yeah.
Angela: Yes.
Michael: [looks to Oscar] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.
Oscar: What are you implying?
Michael: All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?
Angela: You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night.
Michael: Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good?
Angela: Yeah.
Michael: Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.
Angela: But we don't keep two sets of books.
Michael: Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it.
Michael: Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats.
Kelly: Why is that?
Michael: Bend It Like Beckham.'
Kelly: Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?
Michael: [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect.
Kelly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything.
Michael: Well, I don't really have two heads. So...
Dwight: Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! [punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing]
Pam: Okay, greatest strength.
Jim: Okay, okay...
Pam: A dog-like obedience to authority
Jim: Nice.
Pam: But that doesn't sound good.
Jim: Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types]
Jim: Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India.
Pam: He's a gun nut.
Jim: Um. He sticks to his guns.
Angela: Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department...
Oscar: Yes?
Angela: ... that has three people...
Oscar: Yeah?
Angela: ... doing the work that could be done by two.
Oscar: This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh.
Kevin: Yeah. Oh.
Michael: Who do you think it should be?
Dwight: Jim. Definitely.
Michael: No, Jim brings in money.
Dwight: Phyllis.
Michael: Eh.
Dwight: Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela.
Michael: It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.
Dwight: One of the warehouse guys.
Michael: [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight: Who is he saying?
Michael: You're right, I didn't even think of him.
Dwight: No, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight: No, not me.
Michael: Yeah... I could.
Dwight: Not Dwight.
Michael: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight: I know that's what he said.
Michael: [listening to his head] What?
Dwight: Tell him, not Dwight.
Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight: Tell him to stop.
Michael: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Quiet, you.
Michael: I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Dwight: Make him be quiet.
Angela: Those aren't chips and dip.
Pam: No, I made brownies.
Angela: Uh!
Pam: ... What?
Angela: I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
Pam: I made brownies.
Angela: And I made cookies. Same category.
Pam: I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.
Pam: [on phone] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. [listens] Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention] Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.
Jim: Um... Whoa. [picks up ringing phone][in managerial voice] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay.
Dwight: Stanley, could you come with me, please.
Stanley: No.
Dwight: As Assistant Regional Manager...
Stanley: To the.
Dwight: Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry.
Stanley: [laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.
Michael: So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?
Dwight: He wouldn't listen to me
Michael: Ahh, come on.
Dwight: If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.
Michael: I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... [waves Dwight away]
Dwight: [whispering on the phone] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?
Dwight: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Oscar: Oh... hey.
Ryan: Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just...
Oscar: Oh. [fixes his dress]
Dwight: [on the phone] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... [stops and hangs up phone.]
Pam: Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real.
Pam: Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job.
Jim: Um... it's in Maryland.
Pam: Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. [starts walking away]
Pam: Jim...
Dwight: This is called leveraging an offer. [walks into Michael's office] Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?
Michael: Oh, God.
Dwight: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Michael: Fantastic!
Dwight: And I turned it down.
Michael: What?! That would've solved all my problems.
Dwight: Out of loyalty to this company...
Michael: Oh, you idiot.
Dwight: ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Michael: If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Dwight: But then you wouldn't have me here.
Michael: Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?
Dwight: It's in Maryland.
Michael: You can call. Can you call 'em?
Dwight: I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Michael: Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
Jim: Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.
Michael: [clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head] Can I speak to you a minute?
Jim: Um... yes.
Jim: Michael, I really didn't mean to...
Michael: Help. Me.
Jim: I'm sorry?
Michael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Jim: Oh, you want me to be you?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Jim: Oh, are you firing Creed?
Michael: No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head.
Jim: We should switch seats in order to...
Michael: Yes, that's a good idea.
Jim: Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal...
Michael: Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!
Jim: Wow.
Michael: I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!
Jim: That's an overreaction.
Michael: Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
Jim: Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you...
Michael: I... this is Creed.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings]
Jim: Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought.
Michael: And I'm very angry, and I want...
Jim: [picks up the phone] Michael Scott here.
Michael: I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me.
Jim: Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth...
Michael: Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just... yeah.
Pam: What happened?
Jim: It wasn't me.
Pam: Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was...
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Uh, hey... Creed?
Creed: Huh?
Michael: Could I talk to you for a second?
Michael: You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop.
Creed: What are you telling me?
Michael: I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better.
Creed: No, I don't. I wanna stay right here.
Michael: No, you wanna leave.
Creed: No, I wanna stay here.
Michael: Why... why are you making this so hard?
Creed: Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael.
Michael: I think you're right.
Creed: Can I go?
Michael: No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye.
Creed: Let's fight it.
Michael: Hmm?
Creed: Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.
Michael: What old days? What are you talking about?
Creed: Did you start the paperwork yet?
Michael: It's right here on the desk, yeah.
Creed: You don't have to do this, Michael.
Michael: I can't, I can't...
Creed: Undo it!
Michael: I can't change anything. This is the way...
Creed: No, you have the power to undo it.
Michael: I don't... okay, just listen.
Creed: Michael, undo it!
Michael: Don't...
Michael: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
Michael: I have to fire someone today, okay?
Creed: Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.
Michael: Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.
Creed: No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man.
Michael: Don't...
Creed: Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good.
Michael: Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?
Devon: Creed's an idiot, you know that.
Michael: Well, he...
Devon: No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time.
Michael: Well, maybe I did.
Devon: Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man.
Michael: Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.
Devon: That's why I'm being fired?
Michael: No.
Devon: So you might not look like an idiot?
Michael: No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and...
Devon: This is unbelievable!
Michael: I just hope that you and I can remain friends.
Michael: Devon, wait, please.
Devon: What!
Michael: Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings.
Devon: [takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell!
Angela: [watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party?
Pam: Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.
Jim: [motions for her to follow him] Come on.
Jim: That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.
Michael: I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.
Children: [ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo] Trick or treat!
Michael: He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great.
Kid: I'm a bumble bee.
Michael: You look great! And you're a princess?
Kid: A fairy princess.
Michael: A fairy princess. You're very... .
Kid: I'm a lion.
Michael: You're a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.
Michael: Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis?
Phyllis: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: Of course. You're always working hard.
Phyllis: Thanks.
Michael: Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do.
Stanley: Something wrong, Michael?
Michael: No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people.
Toby: Hey, Jim.
Jim: What's up, Hef?
Toby: Michael?
Michael: What? What?
Toby: Michael, do you have the name of the employee you're letting go? I'd like to start working on out-placement.
Michael: Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief.
Toby: I don't report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York.
Michael: You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign?
Toby: They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative.
Michael: Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have.
Toby: I know, Michael.
Michael: I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please?
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office.
Michael: You know what? That's my foot.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: Ass, ass, ass...
Michael: You guys...
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: ...ass, ass, ass, ass, ass...
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hi, Mom!
Michael: I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct?
Hank the Security Guard: Who is it?
Michael: I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building?
Hank the Security Guard: Building.
Michael: Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready.
Hank the Security Guard: You're on your own.
Michael: All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's a fast elevator.
Michael: I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah?
Stanley: Yeah, We're not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision.
Michael: Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him]
Toby: Michael, it's almost 5:00.
Michael: Leave me alone, okay?
Michael: Do you want some coffee?
Creed: No, no. I had some, thanks.
Michael: [slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed?
Creed: Fifteen years, I think.
Michael: Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement.
Creed: Oh, no. I need the money.
Michael: Why?
Creed: What do you mean, 'Why?'
Michael: It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment.
Creed: I don't know. I got nephews.
Michael: Yeah.
Creed: Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this?
Michael: Just trying to be your friend.
Creed: Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all.
Michael: Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do.
Creed: Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about?
Michael: Are you pulling my leg or...
Creed: No.
Michael: You have no clue why I've asked you in here?
Creed: I do not.
Michael: Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal.
Michael: Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask?
Jan: [on the phone] This is Jan.
Michael: His name was Devon.
Jan: Excuse me?
Michael: The human being man's name was Devon.
Jan: Devon. The... Oh, is this the man that you...
Michael: [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes.
Jan: The person that you fired, Michael?
Michael: Yes, it is.
Jan: Is that what you're... Okay. Oh, you sound a little... A little upset.
Michael: Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined.
Jan: Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know... I know how hard that was.
Michael: Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me.
Jan: Well, I'm glad you did it, Michael.
Michael: [talking over Jan] You're glad?
Jan: And so, good job. Good job.
Michael: Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good?
Jan: Yeah. Good job.
Michael: [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back.
Jan: [talking over Michael] Yup. Yes.
Michael: There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great.
Dwight: You're supposed to be a cat?
Angela: Yes.
Creed: You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael's really incredible at making decisions.
Michael: [camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
Dwight: Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow.
Michael: You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved.
Dwight: I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do.


Dwight: Where is my desk?
Jim: That is weird.
Dwight: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
Jim: Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk.
Dwight: I didn't lose my desk.
Jim: Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?
Dwight: Okay, who moved my desk?
Jim: I think you should retrace your steps.
Dwight: Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!
Jim: Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot.
Dwight: [In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute.
Jim: [On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model.
Dwight: Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times.
Jim: I know.
Dwight: It's by the ream?
Jim: Uh, yeah, ream.
Dwight: ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.
Jim: Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work.
Dwight: Wash your hands, Kevin.
Jim: [On the phone] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second...
Dwight: [Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it's Sempai...
Jim: Umm...
Dwight: Dwight...
Jim: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks.
Dwight: Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.
Jim: Was that your mom?
Dwight: No, that was my Sensei.
Jim: Oh, I thought it was your mom.
Dwight: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.
Jim: Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.
Dwight: Assistant Sensei.
Jim: Ok.
Dwight: I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.
Stanley: I don't want to stay until seven again this year.
Pam: I don't really have any control over that Stanley.
Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm.
Michael: [singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.
Ryan: Did you ask me here for any specific reason?
Michael: Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
Ryan: Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office]
Michael: [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.
Pam: Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign.
Michael: Yes, thank you. I know where to sign.
Pam: It's just last year you...
Michael: Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam?
Pam: Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier.
Michael: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Ryan: Updating emergency contacts.
Pam: Well, is that really a priority?
Michael: Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. 'Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority.' Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Ryan: Catch-22.
Michael: Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell?
Jim: Uh, Larissa Halpert.
Ryan: What's her address? [Ryan's cell phone rings]
Jim: 117 Mount Bergin St.
Ryan: Hello?
Michael: [in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
Ryan: Do you mean Neverland?
Michael: This is Tito.
Ryan: What?
Michael: Calling from... [Ryan hangs up]
Pam: [Reading Jim's palm] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks.
Jim: You making this up as you go along, aren't you?
Pam: I am just following the website.
Jim: Well, at least I don't have cavities.
Pam: Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Jim: Thanks.
Ryan: Who is your emergency contact? [Ryan's phone rings]
Kevin: Stacy.
Ryan: [looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up]
Michael: [Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up.
Ryan: Hello?
Michael: [in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist?
Dwight: Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me.
Jim: No I'm not.
Dwight: Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.
Jim: Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. [reveals Dwight's purple belt]
Dwight: Ok, give that back to me.
Jim: Ok, say please.
Dwight: No. That is not a toy.
Jim: Please?
Dwight: Please?
Jim: Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou.
Dwight: Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.
Michael: And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man.
Pam: Could you practice on the forms?
Dwight: No women or children, unless provoked.
Jim: Ok, Roy?
Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.
Jim: Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?
Michael: Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen.
Dwight: Because we're friends.
Michael: Because I would kick his ass.
Jim: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so...
Michael: So? I've beaten up black belts.
Jim: Uh, how did you know they were black belts?
Michael: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out.
Ryan: Is your wife still your contact?
Toby: Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now.
Ryan: Kay.
Toby: You don't need to write 'ex'.
Michael: And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again.
Jim: Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, [starts snapping] you're a Jet all the way, right?
Michael: You were a Jet?
Angela: Have you signed the expense reports yet?
Michael: Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link.
Dwight: Argggg!
Michael: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up.
Michael: Just hit me. You'll see.
Jim: I can't. I just got a manicure.
Michael: Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.
Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?
Dwight: What belt are they?
Michael: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'...
Dwight: No!
Michael: ... he cried at the end of it. He did.
Dwight: Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.
Michael: Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?
Dwight: Ok, I'll punch you.
Michael: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.
Dwight: Kiyah!
Michael: Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!
Dwight: Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.
Jim: Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright?
Michael: Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you.
Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
Jim: Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.
Pam: I don't know.
Jim: Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips.
Pam: French Onion?
Jim: Obviously.
Pam: Ok.
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: [to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it.
Michael: [Pam knocks on his door] Go away.
Pam: I just have a quick question.
Michael: I haven't signed them, ok?
Pam: No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Michael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.
Pam: He's a purple belt. That's really high.
Michael: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him.
Pam: It's just out there, you...
Michael: Oh, so that's what they are saying?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Ok, alright, where is Dwight?
Jim: Uh, Kitchen.
Michael: Ok.
Kelly: Hi-yah!
Dwight: Good.
Kelly: Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight.
Dwight: Now watch, let me take you from behind.
Kelly: What?
Michael: Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.
Dwight: I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.
Michael: No, Really?
Dwight: In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai.
Michael: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.
Dwight: Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!
Michael: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.
Dwight: No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.
Michael: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now.
Jim: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo?
Michael: No, they must have class.
Dwight: No, it's free during the day. It's fine.
Michael: Look...
Dwight: I've got the key.
Toby: Michael...
Michael: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Any word on those time cards?
Michael: I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools.
Jim: Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight...
Michael: I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.
Ira: Uh, no, it's not.
Michael: I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Ira: Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.
Michael: Oh.
Jim: [Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves] Wow, that is really interesting.
Pam: What?
Jim: Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything.
Pam: Well, look closer.
Jim: [Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok.
Pam: Once point for me.
Jim: [Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up.
Pam: Oh, you're dead.
Jim: What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now.
Pam: Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey...
Ira: Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?
Dwight: Yes, Sensei!
Michael: Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.
Ira: Shi mate!
Dwight: Hiii! [kicks Michael]
Michael: Hey!
Ira: Alright, break.
Michael: What the hell was that?
Dwight: Yes!
Ira: Dwight - awarded a point.
Michael: No.
Dwight: Eat it!
Michael: Alright, that's the way you want it.
Dwight: Two more.
Michael: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man.
Kevin: Sweep the leg.
Michael: I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.
Dwight: No.
Michael: I got his pants.
Dwight: It was my pants.
Ira: No points for pants.
Michael: Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight]
Ira: Clean single kick, gentlemen.
Michael: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.
Ira: Ok, break. Break.
Dwight: No holding.
Michael: You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie]
Dwight: No, stop it! Come on! Michael.
Michael: Open your mouth.
Dwight: No, Michael!
Michael: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? 'Raging Bull.' Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag.
Ryan's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First New Message. [Michael's voice] 'Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.' Next new message. 'Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!'
Michael: My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?
Ryan: Fudge?
Michael: [knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?
Dwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan: Ok, to what?
Dwight: Just put 'The Hospital.' Contact number: just put 9-1-1. [Dwight leaves]
Michael: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man.
Kevin: Later Jim.
Jim: Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk] Have a good weekend.
Pam: Yeah, you too.
Michael: [Knock at the door] Yeah.
Ryan: I have the emergency contacts.
Michael: Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?
Ryan: Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably.
Michael: If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout.
Ryan: Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday.
Michael: Alright, bye.
Michael: Dwight?
Angela: Michael, did you finish yet?
Michael: This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?
Dwight: I'm busy.
Michael: Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time.
Stanley: Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday.
Toby: We want to go home.
Michael: Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby.
Pam: The shipping place closes in a half hour.
Michael: I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight.
Angela: This is illegal.
Stanley: I don't care.
Michael: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?
Dwight: Of course.
Michael: And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight: Michael, I don't know...
Michael: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.
Dwight: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.
Michael: No, no, title change only.
Dwight: I'll have Pam send out a memo.
Michael: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now.
Dwight: Just a formality.
Michael: Absolutely but not really.
Dwight: Michael, I have so much to learn from you.
Michael: Yes you do.
Dwight: Thank you, Sensei.
Michael: And, ditto.
Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.
Master: [Dwight grunts] Great. Excellent. [Dwight yells] All right. That's okay.
Dwight: [Dwight's pager goes off] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second.
Master: Dwight, you can't use your pager in here, I told you.
Dwight: Okay, I just...
Master: Dwight...
Dwight: It's a sales call.
Master: Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups!
Dwight: I can... Yes, sensei.
Dwight: Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people.
Jim: What about Oscar? Could you beat Oscar?
Dwight: No problem.
Jim: I don't know. He looks pretty scrappy.
Dwight: Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight.
Jim: True. Meredith.
Dwight: No women or children. Unless provoked.
Jim: Okay. Roy.
Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.
Jim: Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die.
Dwight: You just said it. You just said it.
Michael: No, that's not how I meant it.
Dwight: Die. You just... You said it.
Michael: Shut up, Dwight.
Angela: Do you think he's signed them yet?
Oscar: Signed what?
Angela: Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl?
Oscar: Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl.
Kevin: Don't look at me. [smiles at camera]
Angela: I don't know why I write my name on things.
Kelly: Are you going to happy hour later?
Meredith: I'm still recovering from last night. But maybe.
Master: Sir, your shoes.
Michael: Yes.
Master: You're gonna have to take them off. It's a sign of respect.
Michael: Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming]
Master: Here's your gear. Please put this on.
Michael: Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black?
Master: Okay. Gentlemen. [to Michael] You ready? [to both Michael and Dwight] Okay, listen up.
Alyssa: Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight.
Master: [to camera] That's Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals.
Dwight: Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does.
Michael: God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting]
Michael: Stan the man.
Stanley: Hi, Michael.
Michael: Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually.
Stanley: No. Are those purchase orders signed?
Michael: I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him.
Stanley: Huh? What?
Michael: I went medieval on his heinie.
Stanley: Are those purchase orders signed?
Michael: Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He...
Stanley: Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don't get these purchase orders...
Michael: Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay.
Dwight: For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive.
Michael: [door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one.
Pam: This is what you had Ryan do.
Michael: Yes, under my tutelage.
Pam: Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today?
Michael: If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now.