Michael: Hey, sport.
Dwight: I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? [punches Michael's shoulder]
Michael: Ow! God!
Dwight: Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love!
Darryl: I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay.
Andy: Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly.
Michael: No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim: Yeah, we'd never do that.
Michael: Yeah, so there you go.
Kelly: [enters Michael's office] Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress.
Michael: Oh, wow, so quickly.
Kelly: Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white.
Kevin: Michael, did you tell your mom yet?
Michael: Nope. Nope. Not yet.
Jim: You wouldn't tell your mom?
Kevin: You love your mom.
Kelly: Call your mom, Michael. [everyone talking]
Michael: I'll call her later.
Group: [chanting and clapping] Call her! Call her!
Michael: I don't want to do that. [chanting continues] All right. [picks up phone and dials] She is going to freak out!
Andy: [punches button] Speakerphone!
Michael: That's - thanks.
Mother: [on speakerphone] Hello?
Michael: Mom, I'm getting married.
Mother: No, you're not.
Michael: Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me.
Mother: Well, are you getting married?
Michael: No. [laughs]
Mother: Are you- [Michael ends call]
Michael: I'm not, I'm not getting married. So... [laughs] Psych.
Kelly: So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100.
Michael: And I'm out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?
Kelly: Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and - oh. Oh, it's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What's that doing there? [hands stack of papers to Michael]
Michael: I'll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks.
Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. 'Schindler's List' parody. ... That's not appropriate, no.
Jim: Those reports affect our bonuses, which is kind of great for me, because you wouldn't know it from looking at her, but Pam's a gold-digger.
Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] Hey, New York ain't free. Get back to work.
Jim: Aww.
Pam: It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim, too. Jim, say something.
Jim: [on Bluetooth] Testing, testing. Hello, everybody.
Pam: We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we're not telling anyone.
Alex: Uh, Pam. What do you want on your coffee?
Jim and Pam: Sprinkle of cinnamon.
Pam: I should go.
Michael: Alrighty, Dwighty, let's see how you did.
Dwight: Bring it on. [starts to put foot up on Michael's desk]
Michael: No.
Dwight: Sorry.
Michael: Wow.
Dwight: What does it say?
Michael: Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
Dwight: That's impossible.
Michael: A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
Dwight: I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file]
Michael: No, no, no, no, no.
Dwight: Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
Michael: Do I look like I am joking?
Dwight: No, but that's sometimes part of it.
Michael: If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?
Dwight: Impossible to say. I can't see myself.
Michael: You're not.
Andy: Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet?
Jim: Nope.
Andy: I got mine. They were really good.
Pam: [listening in New York] I miss him.
Jim: You must be really proud.
Andy: Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That's my mug.
Jim: Oh, sorry. It was just - it was right here.
Andy: Right, well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.
Jim: OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that's in here and you could use [finds a mug] uh, oh - Snoopy.
Pam: Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine.
Andy: [smiles] It is a great mug. But it's not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.
Jim: How can you even be sure?
Andy: It has my face on it.
Jim: [holds mug next to Andy's head] Make the face. [Andy smiles] Yeah, I don't see it.
Andy: Dude, that is my face!
Pam: [Dwight slams something on desk] What was that?
Jim: Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something.
Pam: Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?
Jim: It is... more of a spicy brown, actually.
Dwight: What are you mumbling about?
Jim: How was your meeting with Michael?
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: Was it your scores?
Dwight: Those can't be my scores, Jim. For your information -
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I'm being sabotaged.
Jim: Of course.
Dwight: And I'm going to find that person and punish them.
Jim: Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers.
Dwight: You're an idiot.
Jim: There's the charm.
Michael: Jimbo, let's do this thang.
Jim: That is me. Wish me luck.
Dwight: No way.
Pam: [whispers on bluetooth] Good luck.
Jim: Thanks.
Dwight: I didn't say anything
Pam: I love you.
Jim: I love you, too.
Dwight: What do you think I am saying to you?!
Jim: I'm not talking to you.
Dwight: I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.
Andy: [on phone] Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. It's really gorgeous. You guys do great work.
Andy: I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings. And I got him. [shakes fist] I got him!
Andy: [on phone] Would you be able to do the same design, but with walls of gray? And a top that's gray too? Fabulous.
Michael: Oh, come on.
Jim: What?
Michael: You too?
Jim: Did my scores drop a little?
Michael: Jim, they are a poopy. [Jim coughs, presses button to end call on Bluetooth]
Pam: [touches ear] Jim? Jim?
Jim: Are we even sure that's my file?
Michael: No. [glances at it] Yes, I am sure, Jim. It -
Jim: Well, there's got to be an explanation.
Michael: I agree.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: So let's see what we can find out from reading. [reads] Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
Jim: I think you mean smug
Michael: [points at Jim] Arrogance.
Jim: Michael, I'm just trying to -
Michael: And there's our smudgeness.
Jim: I need a decent bonus, because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house so that they can retire. And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford. Pam doesn't know about the house, so it's... a fun surprise. [taps Bluetooth earpiece] Pam, sorry about that. I lost you for a second. So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Pam: Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Jim: A little bit. ... Worth it.
Michael: Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?
Jim: Microgement.
Michael: Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go.
Dwight: All right, fine. [picks up phone] Brrring.
Jim: [picks up phone] Hello?
Dwight: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Jim: Wow, that's great, because I need paper.
Dwight: Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything.
Jim: Wow, this is my lucky day.
Michael: [whispers] Ask him his name.
Dwight: What is your name, sir?
Jim: I am Bill Buttlicker.
Dwight: Really, that's your real name?
Jim: How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.
Michael: Be respectful, Dwight.
Dwight: Yes, Michael.
Jim: Would you hold on one second? That's my other line.
Dwight: What? No, but I -
Jim: Hello? [laughs] No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Yeah, OK. [punches button on phone]
Michael: It's up to you to change his mind.
Jim: Sorry. That was a family emergency.
Dwight: Oh, no. What's wrong?
Jim: You know what? That's private.
Michael: Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!
Dwight: Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we're having a limited-
Jim: Sorry, you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I'm hard of hearing.
Michael: He's hard of - he's an old man. Let's go.
Dwight: OK, as I was saying, right now we are having -
Jim: You're gonna have to talk louder.
Dwight: OK, our prices have never been lower.
Jim: Son, you have to talk louder.
Dwight: ...never been lower!
Jim: Louder, son!
Dwight: [shouting] Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!
Michael: Stop it! Stop it!
Dwight: He -
Michael: That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client.
Jim: Now, you listen to me, sir.
Michael: Here we go.
Jim: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.
Michael: Give me the phone.
Dwight: Please, Mr. Buttlicker -
Jim: I'm irate right now.
Michael: Give me the phone.
Dwight: Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker.
Michael: Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Dwight: I have to put you on with my boss.
Jim: Well, I should hope so. [Michael takes phone] Who is this?
Michael: Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Jim: Well, this is William M. Buttlicker.
Michael: Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?
Jim: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.
Dwight: [shakes fist, whispers] Yeah!
Michael: [covers phone, whispers to Dwight] See how it's done? [into phone] Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. [to Dwight] See what I did?
Dwight: You are the master.
Jim: There is one condition, Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Jim: You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight: Don't do it, Michael.
Michael: ... [whispers] It's a million-dollar sale.
Andy: So it's called the Shangri-La Tent. It's two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It's just really simple, really tasteful.
Angela: I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo
Andy: Hobos live in trains.
Angela: Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long.
Andy: Well, Nana Mim - Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it's in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now.
Angela: OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field
Andy: Done and done-er.
Angela: There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
Andy: Do you have a specific place in mind?
Angela: No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable.
Andy: On it!
Jim: Dwight. Dwight. [Dwight's car comes screeching into view]
Dwight: Get in!
Jim: Are you serious?
Dwight: Get in! [he peels off into parking space]
Jim: OK, what are you -
Dwight: Shh. [turns radio up loud, playing 'Centerfold.'] They might be listening to us.
Jim: What's that?
Dwight: They might be listening to us
Jim: Who's they?
Dwight : Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
Jim: In this car?
Dwight: You never know. Better safe than sorry.
Jim: [turns radio down] What are you thinking?
Dwight: Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Jim: The mob, maybe NASA.
Dwight: Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that.
Jim: Is there some evidence?
Pam: [on Bluetooth] Ooh, cute shoes online.
Jim: How many shoes do you need?
Dwight: I don't know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?
Jim: I'm not talking to you.
Dwight: Who are you talking to?
Jim: Pam.
Dwight: She's not here, Jim.
Jim: No, she's not.
Pam: [in New York, humming to herself to the tune of 'Centerfold'] Na na na na na. Na na na na na na na.
Andy: [at computer, spins chair around and makes triumphant gesture] Yes!
Andy: I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah. We work together. It's Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms.
Customer: [on phone] So I'd like to redouble my order, if you could put me down for, um -
Dwight: Wait, shut up.
Customer: I'm sorry?
Dwight: Shh. Do you hear that?
Customer: Hear what?
Dwight: Breathing. Is that you?
Customer: Well, I am breathing, yes.
Dwight: Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on. [puts down phone and runs away]
Customer: I need paper.
Dwight: [jumps into Kelly's area] Ha! [Kelly screams in surprise]
Kelly: Oh, my God. You scared me.
Dwight: Hear anything interesting?
Kelly: What are you talking about?
Dwight: [laughs] I think you know.
Kelly: You always say that, and I almost never know.
Dwight: What are you up to, girl? Huh? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?
Kelly: Are you accusing me of something?
Dwight: Of course I am. I know you're the mastermind, but you're too stupid to do it by yourself.
Jim: [behind Dwight]: OK.
Dwight: [surprised] Ah!
Jim: Easy.
Dwight: OK.
Jim: Let's just - Let's head back to the desk.
Kelly: You just can't come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, then people wouldn't give you such bad customer reviews.
Dwight: The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn't! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you're involved.
Kelly: Dwight, get out of my nook!
Pam: [in New York] That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!
Jim: Good one.
Jim: [enters breakroom] Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way.
Kelly: Yeah, he's weird.
Jim: Well, we all handle it differently. I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but...
Kelly: OK.
Jim: Hey, how are you and Darryl?
Kelly: Um, we're cool. [gets up to leave] Bye.
Jim: Bye.
Pam: [on Bluetooth] That was weird.
Jim: What was?
Pam: Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?
Jim: No, actually.
Pam: Did you do something to her?
Jim: I don't think so.
Pam: Well, something's off.
Jim: Hey, how's things?
Ryan: All right.
Jim: Yeah?
Ryan: Living in the moment.
Jim: Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me?
Ryan: I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. [takes sip of coffee] Can I tell you what else I learned?
Jim: Wait, that's pretty weird.
Ryan: What?
Jim: Well, Andy has a mug just like that.
Ryan: Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one.
Jim: No. What party?
Ryan: Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. [Jim makes face] That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there.
Jim: I wasn't. But thank you. [to Pam] Do you know anything about this party?
Pam: Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead.
Jim: Well, I can't be the only one who didn't - [sees mugs on Angela's and Meredith's desks]
Jim: [walks quickly to break room, opens cabinet and finds mugs of Oscar, Creed and Phyllis]
Jim: Dwight, let me see your coffee cup.
Dwight: No. [holds Sheriff's Department mug protectively]
Jim: Is that it?
Dwight: No. Why? No. [puts it in desk drawer and slams it shut]
Jim: OK, I'm gonna assume that was it. Here's the thing: I think you're right. I think it was Kelly. I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party.
Dwight: Oh, man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?
Jim: Probably just Kelly.
Dwight: Obviously. I knew it.
Jim: That's what I'm saying.
Dwight: Yeah. What?
Jim: You were right.
Dwight: I was - I was right.
Jim: You were right.
Dwight: I was right.
Jim: You knew it.
Dwight: I knew it.
Jim: You knew it the whole time, buddy.
Dwight: I knew it the whole time, buddy! [shoves Jim]
Jim: Wow.
Dwight: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Pam: [in New York] Right Dwight is loud.
Dwight: I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! [kicks near Phyllis' head; she ducks] Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her.
Jim: No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let's talk about this.
Kelly: What's going on?
Michael: Why don't you tell us?
Kelly: Nothing's going on.
Dwight: Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.
Michael: Dwight. [to Kelly] I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
Kelly: What? I - I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first I'm hearing about this.
Dwight: Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake.
Jim: We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks.
Michael: What's going on?
Kelly: I love your tie, Michael.
Michael: [looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it] Kelly.
Kelly: I was raped.
Michael: You cannot say 'I was raped' and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.
Kelly: OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.
Dwight: We have our confession. I'm calling security. [reaches for phone]
Michael: Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.
Kelly: See? I wasn't lying.
Michael: You were lying.
Kelly: I was lying.
Michael: Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.
Dwight: I want to be here when you fire her ass.
Michael: I will call you when it is time. [Jim and Dwight leave]
Michael: I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?
Kelly: No problem.
Michael: I think you should do that. [Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh]
Alex: Pam Beesley?
Pam: Hey, what are you doing here?
Jim: Who's that?
Pam: It's Alex.
Alex: It's Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go.
Jim: Oh, that's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close?
Pam: Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work.
Alex: Uh, well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?
Pam: OK.
Jim: That's it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.
Alex: [in private office] Um.
Pam: What's up?
Alex: I'm gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton.
Pam: Wow.
Jim: I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.
Alex: Why did you come to New York in the first place?
Pam: Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.
Alex: Right. And that's why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you - really you just got here, you know? You can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has - all the opportunity is here. All the - the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.
Pam: Jim's in Scranton.
Alex: I know. But all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway ... I will see you tomorrow.
Pam: I'll see you tomorrow.
Alex: OK. [Pam and Jim look worried]
Dwight: Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth? [reaches toward Jim's ear] May I?
Jim: Don't.
Dwight: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Andy: We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.
Dwight: Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials? [opens album]
Andy: Oh. Hmm.
Dwight: [looking at Angela] While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. [Angela smiles] I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. [Andy moves his head into Dwight's view] Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night.
Andy: That's very generous.
Dwight: While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Andy: Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! [shakes Dwight's hand]
Dwight: OK.
Andy: Um, what are we talking price wise?
Dwight: You already said deal.
Angela: Pay him whatever he wants.
Andy: Can't argue with that. Dwight ... [takes Angela's hand] You are going to make us so happy. [Dwight and Angela grin at each other]
Meredith: Come on, how did you propose? Spill it. Were you wasted?
Michael: How did I propose, let me see... well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a shooting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a shooting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger.
Kevin & Andy: Ooooh.
Michael: And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich.
Jim: Perfect.
Michael: The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one shot. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming 'Opa!' Which means 'congratulations,' so...
Andy: Oh, man!
Pam: [in Jim's ear] Ask how he's doing since the breakup.
Jim: So, how you holdin' up?
Michael: I'm pretty much devastated.
Pam: Ask if there's anything you can do.
Jim: You know what you should do? Take a vacation.
Michael: Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don't want to go by myself.
Pam: Tell him you'd like to go with him.
Jim: We should take a look at those surveys.
Michael: Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of...carrots. And, so he's like 'What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important.'
Michael: Great marks, Phyllis. [Phyllis walks out of Michael's office smiling]
Phyllis: [to Stanley] Hey, I did good too!
Stanley: I knew it. Haha! [they high five]
Andy: [hand up, seeking a high five] Up! Don't leave me hangin'! [they do]
Dwight: What do I do with my bonus check? [scoffs] Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year's bonus even bigger. Eventually, I'll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I'll use the paper to write my memoirs.
Michael: I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.
Michael: Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert... Dwight Schrute...
Dwight: [raises hand] Here.
Michael: Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all.
Andy: I am no longer the worst salesman in the office. Yes! [Andy gestures excitedly, knocking over his coffee mug] Ow! Dammit!
Jim: Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I'm just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It's just... different styles.
Dwight: My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? [sighs heavily, nearly starts to cry] Excuse me, I've got work to do.
Stanley: [laughs heartily and passes a newspaper to Phyllis]
Phyllis: [laughing] It's good!
Dwight: Hey, what are you laughing at?
Stanley & Phyllis: [continue to laugh]
Dwight: Are you laughing at me?
Phyllis: We're laughing at this cartoon! [passes newspaper to Dwight]
Stanley: Perfect, isn't it?
Dwight: [looks at cartoon] How is that funny? What are you really laughing at? Huh?
Phyllis: Haven't you been following the news? Ther university is using its non-profit status to fund its private real estate investments.
Stanley: [laughing louder] And he really nailed them on it. Somebody's finally holding them accountable!
Dwight: [looking at cartoon] There's no way you're laughing at this.
Jim: [peering nervously through conference room window] Oh, I don't have anything to say. I'm just hiding from Dwight.
Dwight: [is seen taking apart his phone receiver to check for listening devices]
Dwight: It's good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would have seen all three gunmen. I would have pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, BOOM! Grassy knoll, BOOM! Fake Jackie, BOOM! [pretends to kiss, then shoot imaginary person to his left] Then I shoot myself, so I don't change history and create a paradox. BOOM! But right at the last minute, [contorts head sideways] I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year.
Jim: So, as it turns out, Dwight is right. How bizarre.
Pam: [in Jim's ear] I wonder what else Dwight's been right about...
Dwight: Major pharmaceuticals do not want you to know that beet juice has medicinal value both as an aphrodisiac and a laxative.
Dwight: The Scranton Zoning Board has a strong bias against beet farmers. The mayor is in the pocket of Big Lettuce.
Dwight: Battlestar Galactica isn't a documentary exactly.
Dwight: The book All The President's Men is about a conspiracy, just not the one people think.
Dwight: Jesus had a daughter, and she was the Mona Lisa.
Dwight: What we have come to know as fake crab meat is in fact real crab meat, and real crab meat is lobster.


Michael: Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.
Jim: Why are you telling us this?
Michael: I am jetting off on an international business trip.
Jim: Where are you going?
Michael: To Can-A-da.
Jim: Where is it?
Michael: Canada.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery...
Michael: Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi.
Meredith: [British accent] Hello.
Michael: I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. [covers Meredith's face with his jacket] You are now sexy in your culture.
Kevin: T minus...
Jim: Six point five days. [winces as Kevin smacks him on the back]
Creed: [walks up behind Jim and puts his hands on his shoulders] One more week.
Jim: Pam comes back from New York next week and everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird.
Phyllis: On more week. [chuckles]
Stanley: Heh heh. [Jim gives camera an odd look]
David Wallace: [on speakerphone] Do you have your passport?
Michael: I have my passport. [pats jacket pocket]
David Wallace: Got your per diem?
Michael: I have my per diem. [holds up money] I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater.
David Wallace: Michael, the... that's for your food.
Michael: Well I'll just... I'll use different money for that.
David Wallace: I was happy to send Michael on this trip. He's been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire. But this little perk really seemed to turn him around. [chuckling] And it's pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November.
Michael: And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best. Actually better than a five-star hotel 'cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine. I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce.
David Wallace: Well, I'm just glad to know you're happy because you know I felt bad.
Michael: Well that is all in the past.
David Wallace: And in terms of nightlife, when you get there just ask the concierge.
Michael: They have one of those?
Michael: [in a singsong voice] Lets do this!
Dwight: Wait, why do you need three suitcases?
Michael: Two are for souvenirs.
Dwight: Do you have your money belt?
Michael: I do. It's right here. [indicates to waist]
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. [demonstrates]
Michael: No, I don't want to wear a bra.
Dwight: Here, let me help you. [reaches for Michael's money belt]
Michael: Stop it! Stop it!
Dwight: Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this.
Michael: Okay. Where is my translator?
Andy: Monsieur.
Michael: There he is.
Andy: I'm just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancee. Translation: Goodbye my petite fiancee. [chuckles]
Angela: Be good.
Andy: I will try.
Angela: Meaning what?
Andy: Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid.
Michael: Yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. That could be you [points at Jim] if you hadn't forgotten French. Where is my numbers man?
Oscar: Here.
Michael: There we go. Our town car awaits.
Meredith: It's just a van.
Michael: Its not just a van.
Meredith: Look, I know my way around a van. That is just a van.
Michael: Dwight, can you get those please?
Dwight: [sighs and picks up Michael's empty suitcases]
Michael: [on airplane] Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa.
Andy: Ah... sweet!
Michael: Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet.
Andy: Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp!
Michael: Take a sip of that. [hands Andy his mimosa]
Andy: Mmmhmmm...
Michael: That good?
Andy: Mmmm...
Michael: Don't drink all of it. Give some to Oscar.
Andy: That's really good. [offers mimosa to Oscar]
Oscar: I'm good.
Michael: You want one of your own? I can hook you up.
Stewardess: I'm sorry. You'll need to keep moving.
Michael: Yes, this is Beth. This is my personal valet/flight attendant and she will be helping me this morning.
Beth: We need to keep the isle clear.
Michael: Yes...
Andy: Oh...
Michael: Get back, get back. Come on, get back to the slums.
Andy: Oh boy. [follows Oscar back to coach]
Michael: [whisper] Hey... guys, check it out. My own personal DVD player and 20 movies.
Oscar: [whispers] Andy brought one too.
Andy: [loudly] Harry and the Henderson's
Michael: Shhhh! Keep it down.
Oscar: I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one? [holds up sandwich]
Michael: Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? [Andy laughs] My God, Oscar. Really? Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too, to share with everybody? No, I will be ordering my own food, thank you very much.
Michael: [to stewardess] Hi.
Beth: Hi.
Michael: Um. I'd like to see a menu please.
Beth: Oh, I'm sorry. There are no meals on flights less than two hours.
Michael: Oh... okay. [looks back at Andy and Oscar] Doesn't matter, because I am going to take a nap. I think I am going to use my complimentary blindfold. I will don it... and oh! Look at that. I can't see because I am in a- [cart crashes into Michael's leg] GAH!
Beth: What would you like to drink?
Ryan: [walks into Kelly's cubicle and sets a box down on the desk] Just checking out where I'm going to be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension.
Kelly: For you. I'm with Darryl.
Ryan: This looks like where I'll probably do my pushups every day. [gets on floor and starts doing pushups]
Kelly: Is that supposed to impress me? [Ryan starts trying to do one-armed pushups]
Kelly: [talking head] No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a healthy relationship so I'm not gonna flaunt it and I'm not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed.
Kelly: [making out with Ryan on her desk] What are we doing? This is so wrong.
Ryan: Yeah... Mmmmm...
Michael: [going up escalator in the hotel] This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet... ah.
Oscar: I'll check us in.
Michael: Alright.
Andy: Very cool.
Michael: Very cool.
Andy: We are going to find out where the action is, my friend.
Michael: Okay.
Andy: Where's the concierge?
Michael: Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.
Andy: Mmm... bingo! [indicates towards concierge desk] Follow moi, bro-sieur.
Michael: Wow!
Andy: [to concierge] What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view?
Concierge: Tsk... Oh. Matsuki. That's a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you man take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that you can take the taxi and the number is right there.
Michael: Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um... I-ah! This is great, thank you!
Andy: One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?
Concierge: Oh, the Huntsman is good.
Andy: [nodding towards Michael] The Huntsman.
Concierge: Down here... the financial district.
Michael: A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered.
Pam: [at school in NYC] Can't believe this. [pulls out cell phone... sighs]
Jim: [in office] Are you sure?
Pam: [over the phone] I just talked to my advisor. Failing.
Jim: Wow. I thought you were good at Flash.
Pam: I was, and then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I hate computers.
Jim: Okay, okay, it's no big deal. So you're not a computer geek.
Pam: I have to stay and retake it.
Jim: [looks shocked] W-Wow. Um. Well... okay.
Pam: That means another twelve weeks. [pause] Can you do this for another three months?
Jim: It's not- It's not about me. I mean, this your dream.
Pam: [over phone] I know.
Jim: And you went to New York to do this. So when you come back you come back the right way. Right?
Pam: [starting to cry] Right.
Jim: [concerned look on face] You okay?
Pam: [over phone] Yeah I'm fine. Um... my cell phone battery's low, so I have to let you go.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Alright.
Jim: Alright.
Pam: [over phone] Love you. Bye.
Jim: Love you too. [hangs up phone, Pam sits on a bench crying]
Michael: Guys, she's in there.
Andy: Engaging wings [imitates mechanical sound]
Oscar: I'm probably going to leave after one drink.
Michael: Let's do this.
Andy: Yeah with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand.
Michael: [goes up to concierge from the hotel] Excuse me, hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott. Good to see you again.
Marie: Good to see you.
Michael: Um, this is my associate uh, from Dunder Mifflin, uh, Oscar Martinez.
Oscar: Nice to meet you. [shakes Marie's hand]
Marie: Oscar.
Michael: Works in accounting. This is uh, concierge Marie...
Oscar: Yes.
Michael: ...who works at our hotel. You look, how do you say, radiant tonight.
Marie: Thank you.
Michael: And it is, how do you say, a beautiful night-
Oscar: Michael, why?
Michael: She's foreign. I am-
Andy: For Madame et monsieur. [hands Michael and Marie a glass of wine]
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Andy: You're welcome.
Michael: Thank you, Andy.
Marie: Thank you?
Andy: Let me get a picture of you guys.
Michael: Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think it's better to die with people you like... like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie... than to know that there's somebody out there that you love that you're not with.
Andy: Alright, I've scoped out the joint. Those two dudes are as good as naked.
Oscar: How do you even know they're gay?
Andy: Come on! It's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there. [turns to bartender] Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas s'ill vous plait. [to Oscar] Bad decision in a glass.
Andy: I don't care if you're gay, straight, engaged... whatever. A guy needs intercourse.
Andy: You'll thank me when they spank thee.
Oscar: Don't do this. [watches Andy take drinks to the other table]
Andy: Do you guys like apples?
Guy at table: What?
Andy: Do you like apples?
Guy at table: Uh, sorry... what?
Andy: Well, how do you like these apples? [sets drinks on table] Alright, on a scale of 1 - 10, how hot is that dude? [indicates towards Oscar who waves slightly]
Guy at table: Is he your boyfriend or something?
Andy: No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right.
Guy: Dude, leave us alone alright?
Andy: Gentleman. [walks away]
Oscar: What are you doing?
Andy: Dude, you struck out. They're totally stuck up. Here... drink up.
Michael: How about this one? It's Christmas eve-
Concierge Marie: Mmm-hmmm...
Michael: -and everything's closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do?
Marie: Uh...A stro cleaners on St. Johns place is the only place open on that day.
Michael: Unbelievable! Unbelievable.
Oscar: If you don't mind me asking-
Andy: Anything. You can ask me anything.
Oscar: Okay.
Andy: I'm your wingman.
Oscar: Its just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time.
Andy: Right-o.
Oscar: How could anyone stand that woman?
Andy: What?
Oscar: What do you see in her? Wh - what do you see in Angela?
Andy: What do I see in Angela?
Oscar: I want to know.
Andy: I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she's working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I've ever seen and I can't wait to have sex with her.
Oscar: You haven't had sex?
Andy: No.
Oscar: Y-Are you guys waiting to get married, or?
Andy: Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for.
Oscar: Andy, something is wrong with that woman.
Andy: What is wrong with her?
Oscar: I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her. I'd like to know what's wrong with her.
Andy: I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?
Oscar: Do it! It's a- Call her! [Andy holds up phone] Oh my God, don't call her! Don't call her, Andy. [giggling] Andy, don't call her!
Andy: Too late, too late. It's dialing... now it's ringing. [Oscar laughs] Shh...
Angela: [on phone] Hello? Hello?
Andy: What is wrong with you?
Oscar: Why won't you do Andy?
Angela: What?
Andy: That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me and I think it's a valid question.
Angela: Are you drunk?
Andy: This is Andy Bernard!
Angela: I know who this is!
Andy: I wanna take you to sex school.
Angela: What?
Dwight: [over phone] Who is that monkey?
Andy: Is somebody there?
Angela: Are you drunk?
Andy: I have needs.
Angela: We will discuss this later.
Andy: Naked.
Angela: What?
Andy: We'll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked.
Michael: [standing outside hotel room... whispering] Do you want to get some breakfast or something?
Concierge Marie: I am so tired.
Michael: Okay.
Jim: [noticing that everyone is giving him a sympathetic look] How does everyone know already?
Dwight: Know what?
Meredith: Pam failed art school.
Dwight: Oh, well, doesn't surprise me.
Jim: Excuse me?
Dwight: Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions.
Phyllis: Dwight, stop it.
Stanley: Dwight.
Dwight: What? Are there two suns?
Meredith: Come on.
Stanley: Oh my God.
Dwight: Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy.
Jim: I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.
Dwight: It's totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot.
Andy: Oscar
Oscar: Hey.
Andy: That was fun last night.
Oscar: Yeah, it was.
Andy: You know, it's true what they say- Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada.
Oscar: Hey, um... thanks for trying to hook me up.
Andy: You kidding me? It's what I do. Get the whole nine 'nards. [Oscar laughs]
Oscar: I can't believe we called her up. [both laugh]
Andy: Totally. [continues laughing] What- Who?
Oscar: I'm talking about Angela. I can't believe we called her up last night.
Andy: We called Angela?
Oscar: You- you call- you called her.
Andy: That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God!
Oscar: Alright.
Andy: Oh, God!
Oscar: Okay.
Andy: So bad!
Oscar: Good morning, Michael. [Michael approaches table] Are you ready for the meeting?
Michael: Slept like a baby.
Kelly: Mmmm... mmm. This can't happen again.
Ryan: This has to happen again. Darryl can't happen again. Look at me. Do you want me to do more push-ups?
Kelly: Yeah.
Ryan: Okay. You have to break up with Darryl. I already typed out a text message for you. All you have to do is press 'send'.
Kelly: I don't know. I mean, it's well-written and all, I just-
Ryan: Has to be done. We'll press send together. [phone beeps]
Kelly: Oh my God. He's going to kill us.
Ryan: I'd like to see him try. [kisses Kelly... cell phone beeps]
Kelly: Oh! He says it's cool. [laughs] He said, 'It's cool'.
Ryan: That's all he wrote?
Kelly: That's all he wrote.
Ryan: Can I see it?
Kelly: Mmm hmm.
Ryan: Didn't you two date for like a long time?
Kelly: Mmm hmm. It's like a fairy tale! [grabs Ryan and kisses him] Mmmm...
Client: I'll be honest with you- we've been talking with Catalyst Paper. Their prices are better than yours.
Michael: Look, people continue to come back to us time and time again because they feel cared for here. They feel respected and they feel that their needs matter. They are treated like human beings. [sighs]
Client: Everything okay?
Michael: Yes.
Andy: Oh man, she is so pissed. [sitting down by Oscar]
Oscar: Mmm...
Andy: She's taking us back to first base.
Oscar: What is first base with Angela?
Andy: I get to kiss her forehead. [looks at Oscar] I had a good time hanging out this weekend.
Oscar: I had a good time too.
Andy: Wingman for life. W.M.F.L
Oscar: Thank you.
Andy: You up for a chest bump?
Oscar: No.
Andy: Bro hug? [Oscar shakes head... then sticks his hand out and Andy shakes it] Back to basics. I like it.
Andy: I had to go all the way to Canada to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me. And he's delightful! [laughs]
David Wallace: [on phone] Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale.
Michael: Yeah, we locked him up for two years.
David Wallace: Good, very good. See, told you. Sounds like somebody had a good trip.
Michael: No. Actually the trip sucked.
David Wallace: Excuse me?
Michael: The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip.
David Wallace: What are you talking about?
Michael: I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van.
David Wallace: Okay.
Michael: And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time.
David Wallace: The hotel? What, M- okay.
Michael: It was not, it sucked.
David Wallace: I'm sorry to hear the hotel was bad.
Michael: Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige. That was great. That was great. That was- that was a-
Dacvid Walalce: Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey.
Michael: That was a really good choice.
David Wallcve: Michael, please lets listen for a second.
Michael: No, David. You listen to me. Why did you send her away? That- God. You knew I liked her and you just sent her away. And that- that was a sucky thing to do man.
Dacvid Wallace: Michael, sometimes-
Michael: That was a really sucky thing to do.
David Wallace: Sometimes, we- [Michael hangs up phone]
Michael: Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. 'Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it's because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off... right to his face... over the hone. That's respect.
Kevin: You did it, man. [fist bumps Jim] Day one. Congrats.
Jim: Thanks man.
Pam: I'm coming back the wrong way. [smiles at Jim across the parking lot] It's not because of you. I don't like graphic design. That's it. [laughs] Stop smiling. I really didn't like it. It's just designing logos and stuff... and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home... and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can't tell me what to do. Got it?
Jim: I missed you.
Pam: I missed you too. [Jim kisses her]
Dwight: You're back.
Pam: Uh, yeah.
Dwight: Good. I need you to make five copies of these. [hands Pam papers]
Pam: I'm not going inside.
Dwight: Alright. First thing in the morning then.
Jim: Welcome back.
Kelly: We're back together again baby.
Ryan: We're back.
Kelly: They tried to keep us apart, but they couldnt. It was like destiny.
Ryan: I- I realized that for whatever reason I... just couldn't do better than kelly.
Kelly: Oh!
Ryan: [whispers] Yeah.


Angela: Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?
Kevin: [with mouth full] Yes.
Dwight: Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkie.
Jim: So why did you come in here?
Dwight: To socialize. And inform.
Michael: Oh brownies! I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on, much healthier.
Ryan: You're taking two?
Kelly: Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby.
Michael: Yeah why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?
Kelly: Um, I'm just gonna hand it to him right now.
Michael: Heh, okay, weirdo.
Jim: Why is that, why is that weird?
Michael: She said she was going to give it to him right now. [starts laughing]
Jim: [laughing] She's probably going to, cause they sit next to each other.
Michael: Yeah, they used to.
Jim: Toby works here again.
Michael: Oh, can you imagine?
Jim: Oh no.
Michael: Uhhgh.
Jim: You don't know.
Michael: I don't know. What?
Jim: You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's, see if he's back.
Michael: Hmmm, dare I? [laughs] You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake. [walks to the annex, standing in Toby's cubicle] Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. [turns around and sees Toby]
Toby: Hi, Micha-
Michael: NOOOO! GOD! No, God, please no! No! No! NOOO!
Michael: [watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds] Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No.
Dwight: He looks great.
Michael: No.
Dwight: Well rested.
Michael: He looks worse.
David: Michael, is everyone okay?
Michael: Uh, well I'm afraid not. Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance.
David: I don't understand, is anyone hurt?
Michael: Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David.
David: Michael, you texted me, 911 CALL ME.
Michael: Yes.
David: All in caps. Do you know what 911 means?
Michael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.
David: Now what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there.
Michael: I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved.
Dwight: Also, it's icky back there.
Michael: That's true. People say it's icky.
David: Okay, I have to go.
Michael: David, wait.
David: No.
Michael: Is there no way we can get rid of him?
David: Not without cause, Michael.
Michael: I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him.
David: You have to get along with Toby.
Michael: No.
David: Yep.
Michael: I don't.
David: Goodbye, Michael. [hangs up]
Michael: [Dwight comes over, starts to massage Michael's shoulders] Don't do that.
Pam: [pours something from the fridge into a bowl and opens the microwave, it is covered in exploded food] Oh, come on! [to the documentary crew] Do you see this? Disgusting.
Andy: So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place?
Jim: Yeah, I am. Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you that.
Andy: Ehhh no, I was just walking by your desk. I saw some email. I got peepers of an eagle.
Jim: That's really not cool.
Andy: Kaaw!
Kevin: So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in?
Jim: Yeah, I guess technically Kev, you're right.
Jim: Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parent's house, the house I grew up in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the 70's. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. [tugs and pulls in vain at the clown painting] She's gonna love it. Right?
Jim: Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam?
Andy: Whoa, you haven't told the misses about the castle? You're in for a spanking my friend. Myself and my lady? - no secrets.
Phyllis: Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic.
Jim: Oh thanks, Phyllis.
Phyllis: Where's your place?
Jim: Oh, it's on uh Linden Ave? By the quarry?
Phyllis: Ohhh...
Creed: Cool beans, man, I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there.
Jim: Definitely we should.
Oscar: [reading from a note on the microwave] 'To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed.'
Andy: That is just obnoxious.
Oscar: No kidding.
Pam: Yeah. Wait, what, the mess or the note?
Oscar: The note. So 'holier than thou'.
Angela: Hmm, I liked it.
Pam: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Andy: No, the note is way more obnoxious than the mess.
Meredith: Sincerely, disappointed? Get off your high horse, Richie.
Pam: Just because someone likes things clean, doesn't mean they're rich.
Meredith: Yeh, they're rich.
Michael: You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served. [walks to the annex] Hey Toby, great to have you back, man. Seriously, just a, just a real pleasure to see you again.
Toby: Well thanks Michael.
Michael: You're welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family.
Toby: Well that's sweet, I missed you guys too.
Michael: So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun.
Toby: Well, um, it was amazing. It really was, thanks for asking. Um the beaches were pristine...
Michael: Nice beaches, pristine beaches?
Toby: ...and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic.
Michael: Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay?
Toby: It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found.
Michael: I bet, for you.
Toby: And uh, yeah, plus it was hot.
Michael: [shifting uncomfortably and sweating] Shhh hot, why didn't you get an air-condition- should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself.
Toby: Are you all right, Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I am. I am.
Michael: I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.
Michael: Okay, just summarize.
Dwight: Okay, fireable offenses include: workplace violence and sexual harassment.
Michael: That's it, that's it, perfect. We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we will catch him in the act.
Dwight: I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.
Michael: Mm. Me too. Okay, let's get this started.
Dwight: Okay [stands up removes jacket and starts loosening his tie]
Michael: What are you doing?
Dwight: [removes glasses] I am the bait.
Michael: For what?
Dwight: Men find me desirable.
Michael: No, no, no.
Dwight: Oh, it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael: You're the bait for Toby?
Dwight: Mmhmm.
Michael: No, for one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me.
Dwight: Men find me desirable.
Michael: Yes, sure they do, Dwight.
Pam: When it comes down to it, it's a health issue. I should have written that.
Jim: Mmhmm, yeah.
Pam: [looks up] Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me?
Jim: Oh totally. Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still?
Pam: Are you inching away from me?
Jim: No.
Pam: Reach your arms out.
Jim: [laughs and swings his arm out which doesn't come close to touching the reception desk] I'm always this close.
Michael: Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah. Hello, Pam. Jim may I have a moment with Pam please.
Jim: Yes, I just have to take this call anyway so...
Michael: Oh, oooh his mistress. No. I'm kidding. No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam.
Pam: What do you need, Michael?
Michael: Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson? I just want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand. Can you do that for me?
Michael: Good. [Pam stands up and starts reading note] N-no no no, don't.
Pam: Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I'm too shy to tell you that I love you.'
Michael: Pam. Pam, you gave me your word.
Ryan: [kissing Kelly against her desk] You did that for me?
Kelly: Mmhmm.
Ryan: Are you happy you did?
Toby: Hey guys that's really inappropriate.
Ryan: [kisses for a little longer] What's up?
Michael: Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them?
Ryan: Yeah, yeah I'll see them.
Michael: Toby can I see those? Ooh. [takes photos and throws them on the floor] What's the matter? What's the matter? You scared?
Dwight: Those are fighting words.
Michael: You mad? You mad at me?
Dwight: I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you.
Michael: Do you want to do that? You want to hit me, you want to punch me?
Dwight: Hmmm?
Michael: Huh? He might do it...
Kelly: Punch him, Toby!
Michael: I dare you to. Come on.
Dwight: Come on. [making karate moves] Baaah!
Michael: What's the matter... haaaww!
Dwight: Hit him! Hit him, Chicken.
Ryan: Yeah, punch him.
Michael: Hey hey! Come on, Ryan, who's side are you on?
Dwight: Ryan. Come on, man?
Michael: No do it, do it. I dare you.
Dwight: Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face.
Michael: Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch. Come on! Come oooon...
Toby: I'm not going to punch you, Michael.
Dwight: Are you really not going to punch him?
Toby: No, why would I punch you?
Michael: Son of a bitch.
Ryan: [as Toby picks up his photos] You should have hit him man, guy was asking for it. Once in a lifetime, man.
Dwight: I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day
Michael: [mouth full of brownie] Just stop it. You haven't done anything helpful all day.
Dwight: There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired.
Michael: What's that?
Dwight: [goes over and closes office door] Frame him, for using drugs.
Michael: Frame him?
Dwight: Yeah, it's illegal, but... everything they do on The Shield is illegal.
Michael: I've never framed a man before, have you?
Dwight: Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
Michael: Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.
Michael: Hello. I've seen you guys around. I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. How you doing? [they stare at him] Uhghh, so I guess you know why I'm here? I need to purchase something.
Vance Refrigeration guy: A fridge?
Michael: No. Uh, I wanted- I wanted to buy some weed? Some...
Vance Refrigeration guy: What?
Michael: Grass, weed?
Leo: What makes you think we'd have weed?
Michael: I heard you drug- I heard you dealt.
Vance Refrigeration Guy: [whispers in Leo's ear] Hey, just hold on one second.
Michael: I'm not wearing a wire, so...
Leo: Why would you even say that?
Vance Refrigeration Guy: [comes back up to Michael] Hey, that's gonna be 500 dollars.
Michael: How much? How many pounds is it?
Vance Refrigeration Guy: It's- it's two pounds. I'm losing money on this man just, give me the money. Alright, walk away.
Leo: Walk away.
Vance Refrigeration Guy: Walk away.
Ryan: Hey, Pam? I just wanted to let you know; I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation.
Pam: Thank you.
Ryan: I was just back there, to make some cup-o-soup; the thing is still a huge mess.
Pam: I know, can you believe it?
Ryan: Yeah, it's crazy. But, I guess the thing is at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get there and clean it up.
Pam: I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?
Ryan: Ah ha ha, oh no, trust me. I would just make it worse.
Pam: How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?
Ryan: I- I would find a way.
Pam: You've seen things cleaned before though, right?
Ryan: I- Pam, I am hopeless at that stuff I... I, uh...
Kelly: Hi, Michael.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Hey. I forgot... I forgot...
Dwight: [on a cell phone in the hallway] Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson [Michael opens Toby's desk drawer and puts something in it] and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name. See you soon.
Police Officer 1: Hi, we received a call?
Pam: I don't know anything about that.
Police Officer 1: We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation.
Pam: Here?
Dwight: Hey, Pam. Hey I got this, okay? Hello, officers, Dwight Schrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. [leads them back towards the annex as Creed stands up and starts to put him hands up and then relaxes them behind his ears]
Creed: Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.
Michael: Those are real cops, real guns. I wonder what's going on. [follows them]
Dwight: Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator.
Toby: Hey, what is this?
Dwight: Search his things.
Police Officer 2: Sir, can you step away from your desk please?
Toby: Why?
Police Officer 2: Sir, please step away from your desk.
Toby: Hey, what's going on? You don't have my permission to do this.
Dwight: They don't need your permission, Flenderson, they've got the company's permission.
Toby: Hey, hey what are- why are you doing this?
Michael: Uh, you know what? I think that this... uh, this is probably a misunderstanding.
Toby: Don't search my stuff.
Police Officer 1: Sir?
Toby: I have a reasonable right to privacy.
Dwight: Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson.
Toby: Michael!
Michael: Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay?
Police Officer 1: Sir, did you recently return from a trip to Central America?
Toby: Oh my God!
Michael: No, no no no... No, no.
Toby: That was... I went to Costa Rica for a few months. What is going on?
Michael: No, that was... that was legitimate. That was totally legitimate.
Police Officer 1: Really?
Police Officer 2: Check this out.
Michael: Oh God!
Toby: That is not mine. I have never seen that before.
Michael: No, no no no no.
Police Officer 1: Turn around.
Toby: What is going on here?
Michael: God! No, that's not... I don't know what that is. And I... I bet he has nothing to do with that!
Police Officer 1: Do you have any weapons?
Toby: Of course not!
Michael: Ahh, that's mine.
Dwight: No! Michael, no!
Michael: Yes, it's mine.
Police Officer 2: Some basil. Salad dressing, I think.
Police Officer 1: Salad dressing?
Police Officer 2: Yeah it's, uh, a caprese salad. There's a little bit of, uh, mozerella right there.
Michael: Are you kidding me? That's my salad.
Dwight: So wait a minute, there's no drugs?
Police Officer 2: No.
Dwight: Gahh, dammit! [punches file cabinet] Come on!
Police Officer 1: We got a fake tip.
Dwight: Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him?
Police Officer 1: No.
Dwight: [following them out] You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why don't you use them?
Michael: You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.
Toby: I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael.
Michael: Hmm.
Toby: Did you?
Michael: Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere.
Toby: You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff.
Michael: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.
Michael: You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So...
Toby: I did leave.
Michael: Yes, you did. And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of... history.
Toby: Well, I don't see it that way.
Michael: Do you want to hear a lie?
Toby: What?
Michael: I think you're great. You're my best friend.
Ryan: [stops kissing Kelly] I can't do this.
Kelly: Can't do what?
Ryan: It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me.
Kelly: Wait, what are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you.
Ryan: That was your choice; don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip.
Kelly: Oh, can I come?
Ryan: It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school, well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it... you don't want me to resent you, do you?
Kelly: So you're dumping me?
Ryan: Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time. And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing.
Kelly: Okay?
Jim: [walking out of the building] Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home?
Pam: Sure.
Jim: Cool.
Pam: [getting out of the car] What are we doing at your parent's house?
Jim: I have a surprise for you. All right, ready? Close your eyes and now [spins her around once] open your eyes. Tadah!
Pam: I don't get it.
Jim: I bought it. It's ours. Let's go inside, I'll show you inside. [walking inside] So if you can believe it I did it without a realtor. Saving on closing costs is good and, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. Which I think will help, the color situation. [Pam walks over to the clown painting on the wall] Yeah, I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but he is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft, I guess, lot of art theives in this neighborhood. [upstairs] This is the master bedroom but, I'm actually not allowed in here so... [shuts the door]
Jim: [outside] So I'm still in the process of converting the garage. It's got great light in here and I'm thinking, it could be perfect [opens garage door] for an art studio. [Pam looks around and then looks at him] Look, I know, I bought this without asking you and it's doesn't look great, I know that. And if you really hate it, I totally understand it's just-
Pam: I love it.
Jim: You do?
Pam: Yeah, I love it!
Jim: Really?
Pam: I mean, you bought me a house!
Jim: Oh my God...
Pam: You bought me a house!
Jim: Yeah, I did. [they kiss]
Pam: Um, do we have to sleep in your parent's bedroom?
Jim: No, No, we'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about.
Pam: And the clown?
Jim: Yeah, I can't... really can't move him.
Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.


Oscar: Here are our final actual costs for this year.
Michael: Mmm... okay.
Oscar: As you can see, we did pretty well, so...
Michael: Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old.
Oscar: Alright, well this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis...
Michael: Yes.
Oscar: Right there.
Michael: There's the x-ax...icks.
Oscar: You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300.
Michael: Mmhmm, okay.
Oscar: But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Michael: Ho-oh!
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.
Oscar: And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you nine dollars. 'Cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand.
Michael: So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus.
Oscar: We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget.
Michael: [whistles poorly] Whoo.
Oscar: We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need.
Michael: Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you...
Michael: Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... [imitates drum roll] Can anybody guess?
Pam: New chairs?
Michael: No, a new copier! [only Oscar applauds] Unless everybody can agree on something better?
Oscar: No, no, please. Please do not do this.
Pam: Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year.
Michael: So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Pam: [over indistinct conversation] Good? Yeah, he said good, I'm good...
Oscar: Now listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?
Pam: Oscar, no. This is not the time for one of your principled stands.
Oscar: Pam, you make more copies than anyone.
Pam: Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are.
Michael: Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one.
Stanley: I'm with Pam. Chairs.
Michael: Alright, so, teams forming.
Toby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below, we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Toby: You'll see.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: I've talked to Meredith, Stanley and Jim about the chairs. I know they're with me on this.
Jim: Uh, actually, I'm gonna go with copier.
Pam: What? Jim.
Jim: Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel weird asking her to make copies for me. So, I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I-But you know what? Pam and I don't have to agree on everything.
Meredith: Jim, good for you, standing up to Pam like that.
Creed: The balls on you, man.
Oscar: So Michael, what do you think?
Michael: Why me?
Jim: You have to make the decision.
Michael: Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.
Andy: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute Farms...
Dwight: Yeah, do tell.
Andy: I mean, like, '156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left.'
Dwight: Mmhmm.
Andy: Walk until you hear the beehive.'
Dwight: How could it be more clear?
Angela: I think Andy makes an excellent point.
Dwight: Okay.
Angela: But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom.
Dwight: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.
Angela: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench.
Dwight: Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on.
Andy: Let's three-way this little issue, and come to a solution by the time we get to Schrute Farms, how's that for a plan?
Andy: We're getting married at Schrute Farms, no matter what. I have looked at twelve venues, I have lost eight deposits, and I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: So um, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing...
Jim: Mmhmm.
Pam: I really think you should reconsider.
Jim: Oh, Pam, I really... hate that copier.
Pam: Yeah, I know.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: But I really think you should reconsider.
Jim: Beesly, are you threatening me?
Pam: Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. [whispers] But you should know, you're on very dangerous ground [kisses Jim]. [at normal volume] All right.
Jim: Okay.
Jim: [shudders] Whew.
Dwight: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.
Andy: Hmm... mm, what's that smell?
Dwight: You're gonna need to be more specific.
Angela: Manure. Get rid of it.
Dwight: Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?
Dwight: You wanna eat, don't you?
Angela: Honey, say something!
Andy: Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before?
Dwight: ...I'll consider it.
Andy: See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. [steps in manure, trying to laugh it off] ...Darn! Heh.
Dwight: There's a hose out back.
Andy: Okay.
Pam: Remember, you were gonna get a new chair, and you were gonna give your old chair to me. Remember that?
Michael: Yes.
Pam: Well that never happened.
Oscar: Michael?
Michael: I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
Oscar: I'm just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with?
Michael: Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing.
Jim: Woah, you guys going to lunch?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Mind if I join?
Michael: Ohh, God!
Jim: All right.
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: Let's go.
Michael: Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Jim: Let's do it.
Michael: All right! Cool!
Jim: Where we going?
Michael: I have no idea.
Pam: So, I guess that's how they're gonna play this. It is on. [very serious] It is so on.
Pam: Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings, and only one chair?
Oscar: [laughing uproariously with Michael and Jim] Stop it! Michael.
Jim: Michael, that is hilarious.
Michael: [through the laughter] Oh, is somebody making fun of me?
Oscar: The best. Great friends. Thank you, Michael. [all three are still laughing]
Jim: Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings.
Pam: Aww.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: That's cool. [opens the container and smells the tiramisu] Mm, good stuff. [throws it in the garbage]
Jim: You look really pretty.
Pam: Thank you. [goes to Michael's office and knocks on the door]
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: Hey!
Michael: Oh, hey.
Pam: You got a second?
Michael: I do.
Pam: Oh, good.
Pam: Oh, that must've been so fun.
Michael: it was fun. We had a good time.
Pam: Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Pam: Yeah, is that a new tie?
Michael: Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars.
Pam: That is amazing!
Michael: You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.
Pam: What?
Michael: Nine dollars. The boys' department.
Pam: No.
Michael: Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Pam: [applauding] No way!
Michael: Look at that. [begins dancing] Unh. Unh-unh.
Pam: Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier.
Michael: Yes they were.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: They were.
Pam: Here's what I was thinking: everyone sits on a chair every day...
Michael: Mmhmm.
Pam: But not everyone...
Michael: Sits on a copier.
Pam: Or even uses the copier every day.
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: Yeah, right?
Michael: Very valid.
Pam: ...That's it. [giggles]
Michael: All right.
Pam: All right, see you later...
Michael: See ya.
Pam: Hot tie guy.
Michael: [laughs] Hahaha!... well...
Dwight: Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Angela: No. I haven't thought of it.
Dwight: Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.
Angela: I would like cat.
Dwight: Cats don't make butter.
Angela: I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat.
Dwight: It doesn't make any sense.
Angela: Yes it does!
Andy: Okay, guys!
Angela: I want a butter sculpture of a cat!
Dwight: Cow, goat or sheep.
Andy: What is this? All right, we're all on the same team. Is it- [steps in manure] Damn! Why is that in the kitchen?!
Jim: [Pam is making copies and is struggling with the machine] You might want to consider changing teams, because we would-we would love to have you.
Pam: No, copier's great.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: Yeah. I have my copies. [holds up messed up copies]
Jim: There they are.
Pam: And I have my original. [holds up original paper, ripped in half]
Jim: You got it.
Pam: So suck it.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: Okay.
Kevin: Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay.
Michael: Oh, thank you my dear.
Kelly: Wait, Michael! Let me open the door for you.
Michael: Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay...
Stanley: There he is!
Michael: There he is! Hello, hello!
Phyllis: Hello.
Michael: Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.
Jim: Oh!
Michael: Mm! [gives Jim a high five] Yeah!
Pam: There's that ass!
Michael: Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!
Pam: Woo! Yeah. Aw, don't take it away!
Michael: Oh... ah, I almost choked.
Dwight: Here's another place.
Angela: It's beautiful.
Andy: Hey-o!
Dwight: So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.
Andy: [whistling Pachelbel's 'Canon in D;' switches to singing then back to whistling]
Angela: [to minister] Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and-
Andy: I'm Andy.
Angela: I work with Dwight.
Dwight: He doesn't understand a word you're saying.
Andy: What?
Dwight: Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... [speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German] And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, 'I do.' [Andy mouths, 'I do' silently] And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...
Angela: I do.
Dwight: And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.
Hank: Got a call about a problem up here.
Pam: Did somebody call Hank?
Michael: Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.
Hank: So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs.
Michael: Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. [Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar] Yeah, take as many as you want.
Hank: Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here.
Michael: Yes.
Hank: So what are we talking about?
Michael: Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-
Hank: I know what a surplus is.
Michael: Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.
Hank: Is that the copier?
Michael: It is, yes.
Hank: [inspects the copier] Hmm.
Michael: What?
Hank: I was just thinking. Let me see a chair.
Michael: Okay.
Pam: You can try mine.
Michael: Oh, there we go.
Hank: Hmm, not much lumbar support.
Michael: Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.
Hank: On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do.
Michael: So, the copier.
Hank: Well, let me finish.
Michael: All right, yes.
Hank: Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair.
Michael: Well, what should I do?
Hank: ...Let me see the copier again.
Michael: All right, get out. Get out.
Angela: Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.
Dwight: I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.
Angela: What do you mean?
Dwight: Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, 'I do.' And I said, 'I do.' And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.
Angela: Dwight! That doesn't count!
Dwight: Yes, of course it does.
Angela: No, it doesn't!
Dwight: It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
Angela: I didn't-
Dwight: Haha, Mrs. Schrute.
Angela: We are not married.
Dwight: Wha...
Angela: Take this thing. [takes off twine ring]
Dwight: My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!
Andy: Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? [Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball] Ow!
David: [on speakerphone] Michael.
Michael: Hey David- [begins coughing violently] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.
David: Is this why you're calling me?
Michael: No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- [coughs again] I'm sorry.
David: Okay.
Michael: Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different.
David: You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?
Michael: No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.
David: Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus.
Michael: The what now?
David: Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings.
Michael: ...Like a tip? [calculates amount] $645?!
Michael: I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.
Jim: [on the phone] We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you.
Michael: All right, attention everyone.
Jim: Let me call you right back. Okay.
Michael: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... [puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass] working perfectly.
Oscar: That's the original.
Michael: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sits in Pam's chair] Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. [slowly sinking into the chair] Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? [the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk] They don't have copiers. They don't even- [struggles to get up from Pam's chair] Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing.
Oscar: Do you know?
Michael: Do I know what?
Oscar: I think you know.
Michael: Mm, no...
Phyllis: Know what?
Pam: Yeah, know what?
Oscar: Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?
Michael: $645.00
Kevin: Michael's a genius.
Michael: Right.
Oscar: Why'd you say dollars?
Michael: Because that is how my mind works.
Oscar: What's 15% of 200? [Michael doesn't answer] Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus.
Jim: Wait, what?
Pam: You can do that?
Kevin: Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?
Michael: Let's see...
Pam: You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?
Michael: I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less.
Oscar: You're gonna get us a copier then?
Michael: This is so stupid.
Pam: Or chairs?
Michael: This is so, so stupid. And, God... [looks at his watch] that's my phone.
Stanley: I didn't hear a phone.
Michael: To be continued!
Michael: No, I don't-this doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.
Andy: Hey Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you. [Angela walks over to Andy] What-
Angela: [kisses Andy passionately in his chair] Now, I have to take care of a legal issue.
Andy: Was that hot or what?
Pam: So what's it gonna be?
Oscar: Michael, you have to make a decision. The day is almost done.
Pam: Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me.
Oscar: You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing.
Michael: [groans in frustration] You think it's easy?
Stanley: It's your job.
Michael: Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?
Michael: It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- [Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen] Hey.
Pam: Hey.
Oscar: Hey, we're going with the chairs.
Michael: What?
Oscar: I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all.
Pam: Thanks Michael.
Michael: Good work. I'm proud of you. [Pam and Oscar leave] Mother-
Michael: [wearing a fur coat] What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, [camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat] you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.
Jim: Truce?
Pam: Yeah, I guess, since I won.
Jim: Yeah, you did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. [begins to walk away, then turns back] Totally kidding. [leans in, whispers] I'm gonna need four. [kisses Pam]