Dwight: Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR [imitating trumpet] and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine.
Ryan: Are you holding this chair?
Dwight: Yes.
Ryan: 'cause I feel like I'm gonna fall off.
Dwight: Yes. Yes.
Ryan: I'm not wearing the right shoes for this.
Dwight: We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.
Erin: Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening.
Erin: Hey, my name's Tabitha. I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid. Psst. It's me Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype, and it's working. There's already people camped out behind me.
Nellie: Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess. But here's the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, [cockney accent] I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than ' what's lower than dirt?
Dwight: Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.
Nellie: Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didn't even get a callback.
Jim: Which Spice Girl?
Nellie: The black one. I never stood a chance.
Jim: Okay.
Nellie: Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey.
Dwight: Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much.
Todd Packer: Yep
Dwight: Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing ' bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a world's fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?
Ryan: When people see this presentation, they're gonna [bleep] in their pants.
Dwight: Okay.
Jim: Come on, man.
Cathy: Seriously disgusting.
Dwight: Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.
Cathy: Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea.
Dwight: Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid.
Todd Packer: Uh'
Nellie: Uh' that is excellent.
Todd Packer: I don't see what that gets us, but I'm a team player.
Dwight: Perfect casting, right?
Todd Packer: Schrute's out to get me. But I'm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.
Nellie: I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.
Dwight: Speaking of pimples, let's release the BLOGGERS!
Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam'
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh' weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job Andy.
Kevin: Yeah [all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.
Dwight: Open the gates! There's plenty for everyone. No need to panic. There's plenty for everyone!
Man: Quit it.
Dwight: There's plenty. Don't stampede. No need to stampede, sir.
Erin: I was ahead of you!
Dwight: Okay, okay. Hey, hey. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. There's plenty of Pyramids.
Erin: Come on. I was in line before you.
Cathy: So you're a blogger right?
Blogger: Yeah. Blogger.
Cathy: God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. I'm trying to be a good girl for once.
Erin: Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I don't want to leave yet. I haven't had so much fun since seeing' zoo-Ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla music festival. So fun.
Oscar: How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!
Andy: No.
Angela: Yes.
Andy: No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police. They'll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone's business, right, Pam?
Pam: Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.
Andy: And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area.
Angela: Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?
Andy: Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.
Pam: 1-8-5-0-5.
Darryl: Guys, guys. That's so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7.
Phyllis: Look, I don't feel safe. I think we should call the police.
Angela: Yes.
Andy: Exactly. We need to feel safe, which is why' Toby is giving us self defense training.
Toby: Me?
Andy: Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?
Toby: Yeah, um... I can't believe you remembered. I do self-defense. Um, I'll go put on my cup.
Andy: Great.
Nellie: Yes!
Blogger: Okay.
Nellie: I wasn't really sure which one of you is Chuck.
Jim: [on phone] Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?
Blogger: Look at that guy. He's got his Sabre phone on, and he's not even using it.
Blogger 2: This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.
Jim: Uh, I - I gotta go. Okay.
Nellie: Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.
Dwight: Oh, no, no, no. It's good. It's really - on the Internet, it's a really - that's a really good, good, thing.
Dwight: Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?
Jim: I'm very sorry.
Nellie: We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? 'Hello. Hi sweetie. It's Jim. I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape.'
Jim: I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?
Dwight: You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! ��Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.
Dwight: Point it towards the store, idiot!
Dwight: [laughs] You know what I mean? One of these buttons is - damn it. Take over.
Dwight: Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!
Erin: We are closed! Come on.
Toby: Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Let's try it.
Creed: [smacks Meredith's head] [screams] [runs out]
Meredith: Ow.
Toby: That may have been my fault.
Meredith: What the hell, Toby?
Toby: Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you're not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. 'It's all about the groin.'
Andy: What if you're being attacked by a ' smallish man who happens to not have a groin?
Toby: I don't think that's very common.
Andy: What if you're being attacked by a 4'11' man who is penisless?
Oscar: Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?
Andy: Why don't we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.
Toby: Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female.
Andy: So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?
Toby: It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker. ��You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... [everyone groans] written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.
Angela: Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.
Toby: All right, well, let's try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesn't everyone stand? Okay, so... you're being attacked. You've got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two.
Everyone: One, two.
Andy: [softly] Take that, kid.
Dwight: Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.
Lady Blogger: Patty Grossman. I'm a woman.
Dwight: But you still work for Wired, right?
Patty: Yes.
Dwight: Good! Okay. Flirt away.
Ryan: Sabre. It's time to come home.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think ...it seemed like you were a little nervous.
Ryan: Yeah, no [bleep], Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?
Dwight: Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen.
Ryan: You know what?
Dwight: You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.
Jim: Dwight.
Dwight: I'm trying to make him feel important.
Ryan: God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.
Dwight: Um... [imitating Kelly] Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee.
Ryan: You're so ignorant. You barely know what you're talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books.
Dwight: What's a book? [giggles]
Ryan: On my God. You're so embarrassing. ��My mom would say the best stuff, though.
Jim: [ahem] You can... [slightly effeminate] You can do it Ryan.
Ryan: And you know that I'm capable of this.
Jim: You're the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.
Ryan: What did you think of the presentation?
Jim: I thought it was great, sweetie. I would just fix that one -
Ryan: Oh! 'Fix' means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink!
Dwight: Jim, get him a water.
Ryan: No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!
Dwight: Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!
Toby: Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.
Lady: Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?
Andy: [deep voice] I think you guys might have the wrong Office.
Girl: That's him... the guy I hit.
Darryl: What?
Oscar: You've gotta be kidding me.
Kevin: Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?
Oscar: No, Kevin - [sighs]
Lady: What about the lady you hit with the pine cone?
Girl: There. That chubby one.
Pam: I just had a baby.
Girl: Yesterday?
Pam: Wow.
Lady: Apologize.
Girl: Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your 'thin' girlfriend.
Pam: How 'bout we wait til next year after you have your kid?
Lady: You know what? Tiffy's going to college.
Andy: [deep voice] Listen, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I guess I'll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day.
Lady: God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye.
Kevin: Bye.
Kelly: So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar - 'How to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.'
Toby: There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me.
Kelly: No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.
Darryl: Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop.
Andy: Oh... [Kelly laughing]
Dwight: Have you seen Erin?
Stanley: I'm on break.
Dwight: Oh God... ��Hey no! Where do you think you're going? You've gotta stay for the big presentation we've got this young wiz kid - Ryan. He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates.
Blogger: When's the presentation?
Dwight: It's moments away. Just stay here!
Ryan: [on phone] Hey Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it's different because it's your wife? ��Well, that doesn't make any sense to me.
Nellie: How you doing?
Ryan: Don't talk to me right now. I'm sorry. I- I know you're my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face. What I don't understand is... [voice fades]
Nellie: [to Dwight] Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it.
Erin: Sorry about kicking you out. It's just, we don't want our brand associated with death.
Old Lady: It's okay. I'll go to the Costco and search for handsome men.
Erin: You're not married yet?
Old Lady: [laughs] Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend. He passed away.
Erin: My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and we're not really friends.
Old Lady: Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him!
Erin: Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband.
Old Lady: Well...
Dwight: How long has he been in the bathroom?
Jim: About ten minutes.
Dwight: Jeez! What's he doing in there? [cell phone vibrates]
Jim: Oops, that's my phone. Am I allowed to answer it or are you gonna freak out?
Dwight: Are there any bloggers around?
Jim: It's Ryan. 'I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it. I need to see my mom. I'm going home.'
Nellie: What is the delay here? Where's Ryan? Why is he not here?
Dwight: I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!
Jim: Uh...
Nellie: What?
Dwight: That's right. Will you just give us a second?
Nellie: You are gonna bloody ruin it. You're gonna bloody ruin it because you're a no-good half-assed cock-eyed...
Jim: okay.
Nellie: That's...
Dwight: Jim -
Jim: I'm not doing the Presentation.
Dwight: Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. I'm telling you... if you don't do this, [whispers] I don't stand a chance. Please, Jim.
Jim: Okay, I'll do it.
Dwight: Oh, my God. O... Kay! Go get into Ryan's costume and check out his notes.
Jim: A costume?
Dwight: Of course there's a costume! [laughs] ��Oh, this is gonna be great. There's nothing like some last-minutes changes to really energize a presentation.
Dwight: Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?
Jim: I've been in here for 20 seconds.
Dwight: Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?
Jim: I'm not wearing eyeliner.
Dwight: You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.
Jim: Time. Space. Gender. [Dwight mouthing words] There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that - the only thing that remain - the only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time - love, values, and of course, the pyramids - the strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. [softly] No, that's -
Dwight: It's true.
Jim: This... is the future, because... This is the past. I've been through a lot of issues in my life. I've seen drug addiction - unemployment. I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart, without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain. [scattered applause]
Dwight: Yep.
Jim: When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney world. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me. ��I just wanted... to go home. ��This is what the Pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world. It has a usb port. Wireless... will be available in 2013. ��You can play Anything from Chuck to Cars 2. With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything - in time... and space.
Crowd: ahhhhhh
Dwight: Psst.
Jim: Oh.
Ryan: [image on Pyramid] Sabre... It's time... to come home.
Crowd: [applause]
Jim: All right. ��Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night! [applause continues]
Jim: Yeah. ��Thank you. Thank you.
Toby: Okay, this isn't over. Let's stay focused, okay? ��We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but... little things can be dangerous.
Kevin: Whether it's a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity.
Toby: Okay. Good point...
Angela: Good point? What is a tub of electricity?
Toby: I don't... I don't...
Oscar: With all due respect we know what we're defending against: a twelve year old female bully.
Kelly: I was a twelve year old bully.
Angela: Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.
Others: Yeah.
Kelly: Yeah, that's not a bad idea, actually, because I have had a lot of pent up aggression.
Angela: Thanks.
Kelly: Good. Let's go.
Toby: I don't know if this is gonna help...Uh...
Angela: Let's go Kelly.
Toby: We should stay to maybe some more traditional models...
Kelly: You think you're so pretty! ��Well you're not gonna be so pretty come Prom time!
Toby: Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing.
Kelly: Take that! ��Not so pre-violent anymore!
Toby: Okay, I'm at what's called 'the decision point.'
Andy: Hey, hey, hey. Kelly Kelly, Kelly... come on... Ow! God! My good eye!
Pam: [laughs] Oh boy. Oh no, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at, um, something that Cece did on the playground earlier - yesterday. This morning.
Andy: You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby. ��I stepped in and I didn't care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, 'Where were you when the girls came?'
Andy: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank a half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. ��I just feel good!
Dwight: Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it. ��We could have integrated more Chuck into the Presentation.
Nellie: Dwight. ��You're the vice president.
Dwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah!
Nellie: [squealing]
Dwight: Okay! Come on!
Nellie: aagh!
Dwight: Hah! Yah! [kicking and punching the air] Boom!


Andy: [exiting office] Everyone stop what you're doing, I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
Everyone: [gasps] What?! Why is that?
Andy: He's gone, damn it! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail and he's staying in Florida forever.
Angela: So, he's alive.
Andy: Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Angela: Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
Andy: How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke [slight pause] of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
Phyllis: If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure?
Oscar: You guys, we've gone over this, there is no treasure. [Erin retrieves the 'treasure box' and slams it down on Dwight's desk]
Oscar: When the team left for Tallahassee, Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure. [cut to Dwight holding treasure chest and telling the office 'Don't touch my treasure. Ok, you understand?'] Obviously he wants us to obsess about it. There's nothing in there. [has realization] Which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure. Oh god, I'm Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride.
Andy: I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure. [everyone disagrees]
Oscar: I am dying to know what's in there.
Andy: Yeah, I know, Oscar we all are but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane. [everyone turns to look at Creed]
Creed: Hi, hello.
Andy: [to Creed standing in front of the 'treasure box'] Now, carefully... open the box.
Creed: [opens box, pulls out and displays contents] It's a photo of all of us.
Pam: Aw, that's so sweet! [dart fires out of box and lodges in ceiling]
Dwight: [feigning surprise] A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart, well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison. I mean, I just have to imagine. God, I'm glad he's OK though. Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all. Wow!
Dwight: [on a golf course] Well, mister ball, it's been a pleasure. Now, give my regards to hell. Da! [hits ball]
Nellie: Oh, all right! Well swung my VIP VP.
Robert California: I am loving the chemistry between you two.
Nellie: I am so happy Dwight is gonna be working alongside me. We are a regular Archibald and his man George.
Robert California: I bet. I'm excited.
Nellie: Trick... there's no such thing. It's not even a real English duo.
Dwight: Ah!
Nellie: I just made you look like the goat of Dover. And that doesn't exist either.
Dwight: [to Robert] You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. [Robert gives a fake laugh]
Jim: Oh, that reminds me. [reaching into golf cart] Little something from all of us. [hand Dwight a small wrapped gift]
Dwight: [sarcastically] Oh my gosh, thank you Jim, that's so thoughtful. [sets gift on golf tee] Four! [smashes gift] Oh yeah!
Nellie: He doesn't even care.
Dwight: Don't even care!
Jim: This is the last time I'll ever see Dwight. It's a weird feeling, it's, um, what's the word? It's not, it's not bittersweet. It's uh... sweet. Yeah.
Darryl: [entering Andy's office] Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada. Want the same as last year?
Andy: Would if I could. And I can so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice.
Darryl: I'll put you down for shortbreads.
Andy: Damn it.
Toby: [entering Andy's office] Knock, knock. Hey, Sasha's first year in the troops, so I'm selling cookies for her. Anyway, would you like some?
Darryl: No. No.
Toby: What?
Darryl: I been selling here for five years. This is my spot.
Toby: You can't claim territories. This is the only place I interact with people. Can't you sell at your church or barber shop? [Darryl looks hurt] Or chess club, or?
Darryl: You know what? It's your first time, let's split the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know I'll just take, uh, accounting.
Toby: That's it? Yeah, well, ok. Thanks Darryl.
Darryl: OK, great.
Darryl: [exits Andy's office smiling] All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined and then some. [Kevin waves at him] When I first started selling cookies he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.
Erin: [entering a home carrying groceries] Hellosi, I'm home, babaloo.
Elderly Woman: [rises from chair] Oh, here let me help.
Erin: [spilling groceries] I got it. It was so busy at the store today. Really good cheese samples. I had, like, a hundred.
Erin: Irene hired me as her live-in helper. We met at the store launch. I told her I was moving here and I needed a place and it just sort of made sense. I basically do everything for her. [Erin randomly adds an assortment of pills to a weekly pill box] I run errands. I do chores around the house. I cook and clean. Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me.
Irene: When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer. Shallow end, deep end. He does it all.
Erin: Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene. I have to talk to my old boss, Andy, and tell him I'm staying in Florida. [hands Irene a mug]
Irene: [takes mug] Thank you. [takes a sip] Oh, what kind of tea is this?
Erin: Oh, I boiled some Gatorade.
Nellie: [misses putt] Ah. In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right, you see. We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias.
Robert California: If I may, [assists Nellie] try holding the putter... yeah, with your wrists here. And your thumbs here.
Nellie: Oh.
Robert California: That's right. Your little finger.
Darryl: [approaches Kevin] Would you like to buy some cookies?
Kevin: Cookies, eh?
Kevin: [singing] Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best. And fall time thinks that it's the best. Cold time has, kind of a strut. And Valentine's thinks that it's the best. But gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth. Nothing beats the cookie season, that's the truth.
Darryl: [Kevin scratches cookie order form and sniffs it] It's not a scratch-and-sniff, Kev.
Kevin: I know. But sometimes you still get a little something.
Toby: [to Darryl] Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin.
Darryl: You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See you next year, sport.
Toby: No, no, no. It's not fair. What if Kevin wants to buy cookies from me?
Kevin: I do.
Toby: See?
Darryl: That doesn't mean anything. [to Kevin] Kevin, do you want to buy cookies from me?
Kevin: Oh, I definitely do.
Darryl: [to Toby] Huh. Hit the road, jack.
Toby: No, you hit the road, jack.
Kevin: [looking pleased] Hey guys, come on. Don't fight over me.
Toby: You know, why don't we split the order? It's only fair.
Kevin: No. Wait, no. I'm buying, I make the rules. I actually do want you to fight over me. I wanna be wined and dined and... 69ed.
Angela: Ugh.
Kevin: Metaphorically 69ed. Ew. Perverts... no offence Oscar. [Oscar looks flabbergasted]
Nellie: Hop in, we have places to be. No rest for the wicked.
Jim: [to Dwight] All right. So... I guess this is it.
Dwight: Well, Jim, I just want to say that we haven't always got along and at times, I've even hated your guts. But...[smiles] bye, bye. I win.
Jim: [attempts to shake Dwight's hand] Goodbye, Dwight.
Dwight: [drops golf ball into Jim's open hand] Robert, race you to the clubhouse, gentlemen's bet. Woohoo! [takes off in golf cart]
Jim: Well, he's Florida's problem now.
Robert California: I'll let Dwight have his fun. Today will not be his day.
Jim: What's that?
Robert California: I'm gonna tank the Sabre store at the presentation to the board.
Jim: I thought you liked the store?
Robert California: Well, the store is lovely. You created a wonderful space to showcase our product line. Great job. Cheers.
Jim: Thank you.
Robert California: But, there's a reason we sell our products online and over-the-phone. Have you ever used Sabre electronics, Jim? [Jim shakes head] They're cheap. They're unintuitive. The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone's wives do us.
Jim: Wow. When you put it that way, I guess it does sound pretty terrible.
Robert California: I couldn't just kill the project from the start. Jo Bennett endorsed it. Shame though, I did like Dwight.
Dwight: [from distanced golf cart] Robert! I'm gonna win, ha ha, I'm the gentleman! Suck it!
Robert California: [to Dwight] Bravo, Dwight! Very good! [Jim looks surprised] [to Jim] Shame.
Dwight: [at Sabre headquarters] The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration, plus greater visibility, will raise Sabre [Nellie emerges from behind Dwight] [together] to the power of two.
Nellie: How did that look?
Gabe: I'm not just saying this, that was the best thing I've ever seen.
Dwight: [to Nellie] I told you.
Todd Packer: When you guys do that whole power of two shebang, how 'bout I pop up also? I guess we'd have to say 'power of three'. Hm, actually, you know what, yeah, that actually works. [to Nellie] You'd spin off right. I'd spin off-
Dwight: You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy, write that down and print it out. It's gonna make some really good toilet paper.
Jim: [enters room] All right. There he is.
Dwight: What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?
Jim: Can I just talk to you for one quick second?
Dwight: What, your stylist ran out of 'messy spray'? [others laugh]
Jim: Um, actually it's, it's for your own good. I think maybe we should- [gestures toward hallway]
Dwight: You want to do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop 'til you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go hell. [others laugh]
Todd Packer: Nice. [To Jim] Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willy?
Dwight: [to Packer] Silence.
Todd Packer: Aw, I'm just trying to-
Dwight: [interrupts] I know what you're trying to do, I don't want it. [to Jim] But your face does look like the guy from Operation.
Todd Packer: That's... that's the same guy. It's the joke I made.
Dwight: Different guy.
Jim: You know, I just think you should know that-
Dwight: [interrupts] That you look like the world's tallest hobbit. [others laugh]
Jim: Well, I tried. [gestures the meeting room] You saw it, so, it's on the record. I have a plane to catch.
Erin: Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy.
Irene: Just open the program and type in his user name.
Erin: Can you just do it?
Irene: [after briefly typing] Here, type in your password.
Erin: Erin123'
Irene: That's a terrible password. And you don't 'make a video chat', you video chat.
Erin: [annoyed] All right.
Andy: [video chat begins, Andy's head enters the screen from the side] Hello?
Erin: That's so weird. There's something wrong with my laptop. [turns laptop on its side] Oh. I fixed it.
Andy: Oh, now mine's broken. Hang on. [turns his laptop on its side while lying on desk] Oh, there we go.
Pam: [on phone with Jim] He said, 'I did like Dwight'? He's gonna fire him.
Jim: No, no, I think it was more like, 'you know, I liked him, but I don't anymore because he did a bad job, so I'm definitely gonna yell at him'.
Pam: Robert doesn't talk like that. You have to stop Dwight from doing this.
Jim: I tried. He will not listen.
Pam: Did you actually try your hardest?
Jim: Yes... my pretty hardest. Look, you haven't dealt with him in awhile, all right. He's like super Dwight. It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight, or som- Stanley, back me up.
Stanley: Don't talk to me.
Jim: Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida. But he would back me up.
Pam: If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him. Just get the words out. That's all you can do.
Jim: OK. All right.
Darryl: [to Kevin] What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago.
Phyllis: [laughs] Yeah.
Kevin: That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model.
Darryl: Thank you.
Toby: I'm, I'm not gonna comment on my personal life.
Darryl: Look, I need this. Ok? Your daughter is a pretty little girl. Let her go door-to-door. You think people gonna buy cookies from my [hesitates] chubby daughter?
Phyllis: Oh. [looks away]
Darryl: Baby, if you're watching this, you're not chubby, you're beautiful. Daddy's just got to sell some cookies. And we're also gonna exercise more. It's gonna be fun.
Kelly: [to Kevin] Oh, you know what you have to do? To decide? You need to make them do things for you. And, like, buy you things.
Pam: Or have them sing that song! That the frog does in Looney Tunes.
Phyllis: Make them kiss each other.
Meredith: Make them kiss me. [everyone 'ew's] [Toby and Darryl look at each other]
Erin: Yes, this is too tan. This right here-
Andy: No.
Erin: This is a tanned spot.
Andy: I don't buy it. It, that is a freckle. That is not a tan, ok? I'm gonna have to inspect it in person when you get back here. I want you looking totally 'puerto ricania' when i see you.
Erin: Well, Andy, I'm not coming back.
Andy: What?
Erin: I have a job here. I work for an old lady. [turns laptop to put Irene into view]
Irene: [waves] Hello!
Erin: Andy?
Andy: Yeah, that's awesome. That's great.
Kevin: [Toby and Darryl perform Hello! Ma Baby] This is tough. 'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star. I think I've reached my decision. I have decided... that you guys are gonna keep doing things for me.
Darryl: No, no, no, no. It's not worth it.
Toby: No.
Kevin: No, it's not worth it? That's too bad. 'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Darryl: Yeah, ok so what, you buy 40 boxes?
Kevin: Hungrier.
Toby: 50?
Kevin: Hungrier.
Darryl: You're not talking... triple digits?
Kevin: Oh yeah, I'm talking triple digits. [folds arms satisfied while Toby and Darryl look at each other] Again. [both start performing Hello! Ma Baby again]
Dwight: [straightens tie in mirror] Showtime.
Jim: [enters abruptly] Dwight.
Dwight: You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back here. You're like an Amish return stick.
Jim: OK, great, listen to me. Listen to me. [Dwight makes funny gesture] No, no, I know. Will you just let me tell you one thing, please?
Dwight: Yes, you may tell me one thing. Wait, you want to borrow money?
Jim: Listen to me. Robert is going to veto the Sabre store.
Dwight: [rolls eyes] Jim, come on.
Jim: Dwight, he's gonna kill the store.
Dwight: Uh-huh.
Jim: And then, I'm pretty sure he's gonna fire you for it.
Dwight: Wait. [holds up fingers] He's gonna kill the store? And he's gonna fire me?
Jim: Yes.
Dwight: [smiles] That's two things.
Jim: Dwight, please.
Dwight: Nice try, Jim. Your pranks have never worked in the past and they're not going to work today.
Jim: OK, first of all, they've mostly worked, so-
Dwight: You know what? You might want to get to the airport. It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye.
Jim: Dwight, come o-
Dwight: Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a slu- Ah![Jim tackles Dwight]
Dwight: [Jim holds him back and tries to cover his mouth] Help! Help!
Jim: Gross! Don't lick my hand! God, why is there so much saliva?
Dwight: AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.
Jim: Gross!
Dwight: [attempting to break from Jim's grasp] Ah!
Jim: What? What, what, what, what, what?
Dwight: [clutching side] Oh, god! You... oh! My appendix-
Jim: I'm sorry.
Dwight: My wound hasn't healed yet.
Jim: I'm so sorry, I forgot.
Dwight: Oh, man!
Jim: You all right? You ok?
Dwight: [stops whining and charges Jim] Rrrah!
Nellie: [to Cathy] Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him.
Cathy: I don't know. He's not picking up.
Todd Packer: Well, looks like Shnoot's a no-show. Guess he wasn't vice presy material after all. But I am. Put me in, babe. I got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggy-style. I'm your man.
Nellie: [considers and decides on Packer] Right, let's begin then. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mr. Todd Packer.
Todd Packer: Sup?
Phyllis: [notices Andy boxing up things from Erin's desk] What are you doing?
Andy: I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff since apparently she's not coming back. And she didn't bother to tell anyone.
Oscar: We knew. Ryan told us.
Andy: Ryan, why didn't you tell me?
Ryan: Thought you checker my Tumblr?
Andy: You never update it.
Ryan: Well, I updated it.
Andy: Does anyone else think this is weird? And like, kind of uncool, actually? To leave us without a receptionist?
Pam: We'll find another receptionist. I mean, that's easy. We'll be fine. [Andy nods reluctantly]
Dwight: [trying to get around Jim] Huh, huh, huh! [slides between Jim's legs]
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: I was trying to go-
Jim: Get up.
Dwight: Ok, ok.
Jim: Get up. All right? I'm not gonna let you by.
Dwight: Then you know what? I'm just gonna have to run right through you.
Jim: OK. [Dwight runs in place] What are you doing? Are you really revving up? you know that doesn't work.
Dwight: [tries to jump off wall] Jackie Chan! [falls and groans]
Kevin: [holding mobile phone up] Go.
Darryl: [in a feminine voice] Hi. This is Alex.
Toby: [in feminine voice] And this is Sam.
Darryl: [in a feminine voice] Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us.
Kevin: Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.
Darryl: I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens.
Toby: Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.
Kevin: Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?
Toby: Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.
Darryl: Forget it, man.
Kevin: What do you mean?
Darryl: I'm out. And so is Toby.
Darryl: This may be wrong. But there's a limit to what I would do for my child.
Toby: Yeah. I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey.
Kevin: No guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies. I'll do anything. [starts performing Hello! Ma Baby] I'm even gonna kiss Meredith. [kisses Meredith] That is... hmph... that's ah... so good. [almost in tears Meredith pulls him toward her by his tie]
Jim: [tackled by Dwight] What are you doing? No. No, no, no.
Dwight: This. Ends. Now.
Jim: This is dangerous.
Dwight: [picks Jim up] Rrahh! [both fall]
Jim: Why?
Dwight: Anything else you need to talk about?
Jim: Nope. I think that was it. [Dwight gets up and walks away]
Dwight: [looking disheveled in mirror] Once again, it's show time.
Robert California: What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, [Dwight enters] which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution.
Todd Packer: If I may speak to that, I have only been vice president of this project for the last half hour, so the man you want is Dwight Shrute.
Robert California: I don't see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible.
Nellie: Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes... but not the man. You may not cancel his soul.
Robert California: That was never on the table.
Todd Packer: [to Nellie] Are you kidding? [to Robert] She's the queen of the whole freaking Magilla!
Robert California: And yet Todd, it's you who's fired.
Todd Packer: What, you, I, I can't get fired. I'm an institution. I have been at this company for 20 years. How many of you have been here that long, huh? [Dwight exits meeting room and helps Jim up]
Darryl: [Dwight and Jim enter office] Hey, hey. They're back. [Everyone greets them]
Kelly: Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida?
Jim: Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um, wow you look great. Did you lose some weight?
Kelly: Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds.
Phyllis: [to Stanley] Hey! Good to have you back.
Stanley: [insincerely] Good to be back.
Pam: [to Jim] Hey, stranger!
Jim: Hey.
Pam: Aw, I missed you.
Jim: I missed you. [they embrace and kiss as Andy watches on sadly]
Pam: Aw.
Andy: I'm going to Florida to get Erin. [grabs coat, runs out, then returns] Forgot to turn off my email. It's crazy, right? It's just, when she said she was leaving, I felt so- [looks at computer frustrated] 'You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue?' Yes. I am sure. Ah, slow computer!


Pam: [telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we'll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.
Kevin: Nice.
Pam: There's this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it's not - it doesn't sound cool. You just have to see it.
Pam: Well, I guess it doesn't look that cool either. But, it's been up there a long time, so it's become a pretty big deal.
Jim: Wow. It's the end of an era.
Pam: Did a good job, Buddy. Now it's time to come home.
Oscar: I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.
Kevin: When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.
Ryan: How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin?
Kevin: I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, 'Look, a balloon.'
Dwight: My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.
Meredith: My kid didn't have a face tattoo.
Darryl: I was still thinking of going back to school.
Jim: And I was still just a paper salesman.
Dwight: Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs]
All: Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause]
Jim: Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?
Kevin: oooh
Darryl: Me.
Phyllis: Yeah.
Dwight: Right here.
Nellie: Allow me to solve your problem, then.
Jim: Nellie
Nellie: Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?
Jim: What brings you to town?
Nellie: Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here.
Dwight: What?
Dwight: How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.
Toby: Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony.
Nellie: Mm.
Pam: What?
Toby: I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby.
Pam: You messed up saying your name?
Toby: It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.
Nellie: That one looks empty.
Jim: No, that's Andy's office.
Nellie: Oh, is it?
Nellie: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.
Erin: Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.
Alonzo: Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers]
Erin: How are you? How's your family doing?
Erin: Bye.
Erin: Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away.
Robert: Nellie.
Nellie: Robert.
Robert: How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
Nellie: So far, so good.
Robert: Good.
Nellie: Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.
Robert: Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?
Nellie: Mm-hm.
Robert: Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?
Nellie: Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.
Robert: We have a manager.
Nellie: Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.
Robert: Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?
Kevin: Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?
Andy: [on phone] Hello.
Robert: Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?
Andy: Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick.
Robert: I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately.
Andy: Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the...
Andy: [standing in ocean] ...Florida Flu.
Robert: He just hung up on me mid-sentence.
Andy: I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.
Robert: Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Jim: Can't you do something about this?
Robert: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.
Jim: #NAME?
Jim: What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?
Irene: Erin, you got a package.
Erin: I'm in the bathroom.
Glenn: Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label.
Irene: Did you wash your hands?
Erin: Yes.
Erin and Irene: [screaming as Andy busts out of box]
Andy: [singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!
Erin: Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you.
Andy: Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.
Irene: Where's the ring?
Andy: Hm?
Irene: Where's the ring, Lancelot?
Erin: Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.
Erin: Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.
Glenn: [whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?
Irene: [whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.
Erin: Hey... don't listen.
Nellie: So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?
Jim: I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name.
Nellie: So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m'lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager.
Pam: Robert, is Nellie our new manager?
Robert: [laughs] This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.
Robert: We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?
Nellie: I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.
Kevin: Hot tub party?
Nellie: Performance reviews.
Pam: How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?
Nellie: On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.
Glenn: Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.
Erin: Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better.
Irene: So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?
Andy: Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know.
Erin: So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.
Irene: I think you should leave, young man.
Andy: All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.
Erin: You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.
Jim: Any luck?
Pam: No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.
Andy: [on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-
Erin: Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. [Andy's phone vibrating]
Irene: You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.
Andy: Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger.
Irene: You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session.
Andy: I don't know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It's fine.
Irene: You could put it on silent.
Andy: I don't think it does that.
Irene: Just go to preferences, then click '
Glenn: [answering Andy's phone] Proctology.
Jim: [on phone] Andy?
Andy: Jim?
Jim: Andy, where are you?
Andy: I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the- I got the serious poops, man.
Irene: He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.
Jim: What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.
Andy: What do you mean, take my job?
Jim: Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.
Andy: Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later.
Jim: Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.
Angela: Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?
Pam: I like working here.
Jim: Dwight, should she be our manager?
Dwight: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.
Dwight: Those who can't farm, farm celery.
Jim: And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat]
Nellie: All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.
Phyllis: Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know.
Nellie: Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.
Dwight: I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.
Nellie: Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise.
Dwight: What?
Nellie: Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?
Dwight: There's no limit to what I think I deserve.
Nellie: Then you accept it?
Dwight: Five percent. No less.
Nellie: Absolutely not. Seven percent.
Dwight: Six percent, I know my worth.
Jim: The raise isn't real.
Dwight: Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.
Nellie: So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.
Pam: Phyllis.
Phyllis: Pam.
Nellie: So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.
Phyllis: Really?
Nellie: Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive.
Jim: Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?
Robert: I am not. Huh.
Jim: Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.
Robert: Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?
Jim: Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not- sorry.
Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them...
Jim: [exhales sharply]
Robert: ' is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim: Was that not the-
Robert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim: Mm-hm.
Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?
Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.
Robert: My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?
Jim: No. I would've said no.
Nellie: Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.
Kelly: Oh, great.
Jim: I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that.
Dwight: No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off.
Dwight: [Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.
Dwight: [panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome.
Creed: Touch me and I'll sue.
Erin: I've heard that's amazing when it works.
Andy: Yeah, if I had my own-
Erin: Andy, I care about you and I think-
Andy: #NAME?
Erin: No, go ahead.
Andy: Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?
Erin: Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?
Andy: You broke my heart too.
Erin: You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be.
Andy: I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.
Erin: I know.
Andy: [sighs]
Nellie: So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.
Pam: Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy.
Nellie: That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.
Pam: Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?
Nellie: Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?
Pam: Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle.
Nellie: You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?
Pam: No.
Nellie: Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.
Pam: I think... you're a witch.
Nellie: I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: 'I'm amazing.'
Pam: [drowsily] I'm amazing. [sighs]
Irene: Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.
Erin: Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon.
Irene: I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink-
Erin: Irene, what would you do without me?
Irene: We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.
Erin: Why?
Irene: He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.
Nellie: Jim, time for your review.
Jim: No, it's not, because you don't really work here.
Nellie: Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?
Jim: Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises.
Nellie: Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?
Jim: Yes.
Nellie: I'm Tinkerbell.
Jim: No.
Nellie: Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.
Stanley: And we are grateful.
Nellie: But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.
Jim: She dies.
Nellie: She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?
Jim: Let's see it. Show of hands.
Kevin: I do. [applause] Come on everyone...
Jim: All right, guys, stop.
Meredith: I already spent the money.
Jim: How?
Kevin: Come on Jim, you're killing her!
All: We believe! We believe!
Robert: Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. [applause continues]
Andy: That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.
Erin: Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I'm sorry.
Andy: Erin!
Erin: Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street]
Erin: Let's get out of here.
Andy: Okay.
Erin: Let's go.
Andy: Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.
Erin: No, I don't have any stuff.
Andy: Like your toothbrush and stuff.
Erin: I don't have one.
Andy: You don't have a toothbrush?
Erin: No.
Andy: How do you not have a toothbrush?
Erin: I just... there's always one around.
Andy: You just use whichever one is sitting there?
Erin: I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?
Andy: Of course. I own my toothbrush.
Nellie: I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.


Pam: Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim: Oh, great. [reads] 'Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy.' Oh that's not good.
Phyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Jim: Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam: Yeah he does.
Oscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Pam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Phyllis: Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Pam: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela: Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam: Okay, which one of these looks more right? [holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Dwight: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe: [bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim: Okay, quick. Who says moustache? [Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Dwight: Yep.
Jim: Who says no moustache? [Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
Gabe: [reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis: He does have a moustache.
Dwight: Yes!
Pam: Welcome back, Stanley. [Stanley grunts]
Robert: Good morning, Robert,' says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. [no one responds] Pam!
Pam: Oh! [takes out earbuds]
Robert: Is this a video conference you're having with 'Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz'?
Pam: Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.
Robert: People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-
Nellie: Sorry, sorry, everyone, I'm late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness.
Robert: [laughing] Nellie, really, nine fifty?
Nellie: Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze.
Robert: Ah.
Nellie: Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!
Robert: [laughs] I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.
Nellie: Ah ha!
Robert: I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
Nellie: Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it.
Robert: No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life.
Nellie: Well, yes, uh... there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?
Kevin & Meredith: [in unison] Yes.
Nellie: Ugh! I hate that! No offense.
Kevin: None taken.
Oscar: Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.
Nellie: oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless!
Stanley: Who's a native?
Nellie: Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. [everyone groans]
Oscar: What does that mean?
Dwight: Okay, okay.
Nellie: If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?
Robert: Nellie?
Nellie: Yes, Robert!
Robert: You're clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in.
Nellie: Yeah.
Robert: Let's help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place.
Dwight: Why Jim?
Robert: The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community.
Pam: I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?
Jim: I'm sorry, we're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment.
Pam: I'm still not sure why this woman is even here.
Jim: Why is she here?
Andy: [sings] Two crazy kids on the journey of life.
Erin: [sings] Going to Pennsylvania.
Andy: On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania.
Erin: Oh. That must be nice.
Andy: Mm-hmm. It's a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy.
Erin: Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents.
Andy: Oh. Hmm.
Andy: [sings] Time to have a little kiss!
Erin: No.
Andy: Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official.
Erin: Yes.
Andy: I believe in that.
Erin: Yes. So do I.
Andy: I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important.
Erin: Important.
Andy: Mm-hmm.
Phyllis: I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her.
Pam: I know, right?
Oscar: She's always late, she's always rude...
Phyllis: It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.
Oscar: Yeah.
Phyllis: On purpose.
Pam: Phyllis!
Angela: [laughs] We should do it right here in the break room. [they giggle]
Phyllis: Order carrot cake. [laughter]
Andy: ...and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you.
Erin: Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds.
Andy: Consider it nailed.
Erin: [vocalizing] I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario.
Andy: Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know-
Erin: [whining] What?
Andy: I just need you to know-
Erin: What is it? I didn't sleep well last night. [they laugh]
Dwight: [lifting box] Ugh! Ow.
Jim: Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door.
Dwight: Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? 'Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is.'
Jim: That was one time-
Dwight: I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.
Nellie: Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic.
Jim: [cell phone rings] Excuse me, one second. Hi.
Pam: Hey, what's up?
Jim: Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight.
Dwight: [shouting] Haulin' cube!
Jim: That's moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler.
Pam: So we're planning this party for Nellie, and we're gonna make it really bad.
Jim: Sounds like every other party.
Pam: No. We're gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card.
Jim: Oh! Hire a magician.
Pam: What?
Jim: Trust me.
Pam: [laughs] Okay.
Andy: Wow. There's a lot of cars here. This is just weird.
Lauren: [knocks on car window] Andy! Hey, what are you doing here?
Andy: Hey, Lauren. Look at you.
Lauren: Well, I know. Look at me.
Andy: I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica.
Lauren: Aww! [clicks tongue]
Andy: Why is Erin with me? That's a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totaled her car.
Lauren: Oh. God.
Erin: So, I'm Erin. Hi.
Andy: Yep. This is Erin.
Lauren: Nice to meet you. [Erin gasps at another girl outside her window] Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here!
Erin: Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime. Should we go?
Andy: Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just-
Lauren: Oh, Jess! [claps] Look who stopped by after his business trip!
Jessica: Andy! Hey!
Dwight: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.
Jim: Yes, you should.
Dwight: [finds shoe box] Ooh.
Jim: [reads] 'Nellie, don't open, stupid. Love, Nellie.'
Dwight: I have to see these shoes.
Jim: I doubt that they're sh-
Dwight: Oh!
Jim: Whoa. Who is this guy?
Dwight: Here's the two of them taking a hike. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend.
Jim: Boyfriend.
Dwight: Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend.
Jim: Like a boyfriend?
Dwight: You read my mind.
Jim: Yeah. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.
Dwight: Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he's a hated Italian politician.
Jim: Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup.
Nellie: [walks in] Oh.
Jim: Oh, Nellie. I'm so sorry. We were just...
Nellie: I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry.
Dwight: Why not call...
Jim: Shh!
Nellie: God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant.
Dwight: That's awful. What kind of restaurant.
Jim: Dwight!
Nellie: I couldn't afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?
Jim: I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories.
Dwight: If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick.
Nellie: Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this.
Jim: No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or...
Nellie: God, no. That's the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician?
Jim: [in the phone] You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let's give up on all this mean stuff.
Pam: What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea- everyone loved it. You don't have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you.
Jim: No, that's not what I-
Nellie: Jim, could you give us a hand?
Jim: Absolutely. Yeah. [whispers] Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It's way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me.
Pam: Oh, okay. Okay, I will. [hangs up phone]
Angela: Pam, we have a great idea.
Oscar: Listen to this.
Angela: We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It's gonna make everyone sick.
Pam: Or what if...
Angela: Okay.
Pam: We discuss... [Angela and Phyllis giggle] the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. [giggling stops] Not mean.
Angela: I knew she'd crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know.
Oscar: We're in far too deep. We can't change course at this point.
Pam: What are you talking about? Yes we can.
Oscar: What I mean to say is we don't want to.
Phyllis: Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks.
Lauren: [pops balloon] Suck it! [cheers, applause]
Erin: Andy-
Andy: It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?
Erin: No, uh, I'll just have some gummy bears.
Andy: These are delicious.
Erin: But... they're penises.
Lauren: And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. [party guests groan]
Andy: Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don't know Matthew's history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. [laughs] I don't know. I just- I don't think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don't pop that one.
Party guests: No, pop it. Pop it! [Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer]
Jessica: Hey.
Andy: Hey.
Jessica: Sorry. It's kind of a madhouse.
Megan: [grabs Andy] Ahh!
Andy: Oh! Ah, Megan.
Megan: You are one of the good ones, nard dog.
Andy: Aww.
Megan: No, really. [to Jessica] Where's my Andy?
Jessica: I dunno.
Andy: Oh, he's out there.
Megan: Aww. Are you going to sing for us?
Andy: Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so...
Megan: That's not like you. That's not like you. Come on, sing! Sing!
Andy: [singing] By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes...
Pam: Okay, they're almost here- What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? [rips down ugly photo of Nellie]
Darryl: Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah!
Pam: No, that's a great idea. Let's have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst?
Angela: Nobody's named Monday.
Ryan: Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember.
Pam: Cause there's someone already here named Pam.
Kevin: Shh, here she comes!
All: Hey!
Phyllis: Welcome to your party.
Creed: Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long. [plays off-tune notes]
Creed: Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, 'Have you heard my originals? They're terrible.' They said, 'Even better.' I said, 'I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie.'
Erin: Maybe we should just go.
Andy: No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you?
Jessica: Uh, yeah, sure. What's up?
Andy: Uh, maybe we could talk in private?
Jessica: Uh, yeah. What is it?
Andy: Well, first just let me say that I hope when I'm done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends.
Jessica: You're breaking up with me?
Andy: Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now.
Jessica: Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it?
Andy: Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I'm gay.
Jessica: What?
Andy: I am gay, and I prefer men.
Kenny: I knew it!
Andy: You did not, Kenny!
Kenny: You invited me to go shopping with you.
Andy: I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I'm gay.
Jessica: Andy, you're not gay. I mean, we were... together. And you seemed pretty excitable.
Andy: Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos.
Jessica: I can't say it doesn't make sense...
Andy: Well... I mean, I was good at hiding it, but-
Jessica: Look, it's fine, Andy. I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything. I just... I'm just upset for now.
Andy: Understandable. And I'm really sorry. I really am. [hugs Jessica, grunts] So... we should probably... go.
Robert: This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.
Oscar: To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company.
Robert: Cheers.
Nellie: Why thank you.
Oscar: Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company.
All: Cheers.
Angela: Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died. [laughter]
Jim: Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with.
Creed: We hate Pam. We hate Pam.
All: We hate Pam! We hate Pam!
Magician: So we've established-
Jim: No. No.
Magician: -that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just... disappear? [sets off flash paper]
Pam: Oh! [laughter, murmuring]
Erin: That was a really rough scene.
Andy: Right? Rough scene.
Erin: Yeah.
Andy: Oh... at least we can kiss now.
Erin: Oh, yeah. [gives him a quick kiss]
Andy: You know, that stuff that I said about you to her... I did- That's just- I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time.
Erin: Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah... I feel really tired.
Andy: Yeah.
Erin: Probably from seeing that turkey.
Andy: Oh yeah.
Erin: When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it.
Magician: Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?
Jim: Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer.
Robert: no, Nellie, she-
Jim: I'll do it.
Magician: Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. [chuckles] All right, let's uh- let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is.
Jim: [picks a card] It's the four of hearts.
Robert: Oh, no, you-
Magician: Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?
Robert: [to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Magician: Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory.
Jim: Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place.
Magician: But I never could seem to figure out those knots.
Pam: That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears.
Magician: [yells] What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-
Dwight: Okay scram, wizard.
Magician: What?
Dwight: You heard me!
Magician: Huh!
Robert: Well Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-
Nellie: Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?
Robert: Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party.
Kevin: You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?
Erin: What? Why are we-
Andy: I just gotta do one thing. [leaves car, knocks on door]
Megan: Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who's here.
Jessica: What are you doing here?
Andy: Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay, I'm in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she's right there. She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material.
Megan: Why the hell did you come back here?
Jessica: Go away.
Kenny: Get lost!
Woman: Get out!
Andy: Okay.
Lauren: You're done!
Andy: Bye guys.
Lauren: Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? [Andy and Erin run to the car] Yeah, run away!
Kenny: You're disgusting!
Lauren: I can't believe you're not gay! [Andy and Erin kiss]
Kenny: Yeah get out of here.
Various: Don't come back. [someone throws food at the car]
Erin: Uh-oh! [laughs, they drive away]
Various: You don't even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car!
Pam: Hey Hank.
Hank: Yes ma'am.
Pam: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician.
Hank: Yes ma'am. I got my eyes open.
Jim: Well, turns out he actually made it up there.
Hank: What? That ain't right.
Pam: Yeah, he came and went.
Hank: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? [Pam nods] You don't think he could've used... it couldn't have been...
Pam: Let's just- let's go.
Jim: Night-night.


Phyllis: Whoo! Wow, it is raining cats and dogs out there. Holy moley.
Jim: Phyllis says the same twelve clich��s every time it rains. So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates.
Darryl: So how was the drive in?
Phyllis: Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain.
Darryl: You don't say?
Phyllis: Yeah. You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?
Phyllis: Oh, the plants are gonna love this.
Oscar: Yeah.
Phyllis: I actually sleep better when it's raining.
Meredith: Tell me about it.
Oscar: Time's almost up. How many are left?
Pam: Just one. 'This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book.'
Darryl: Phyllis. This rain... does it make you wanna be doing something?
Phyllis: What do you mean?
Pam: You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?
Jim: Hey, come on.
Phyllis: Lots of things are cozy in the rain.
Jim: And that's noon. Exactly. [others groan]
Phyllis: I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay home, curled up with a good book. But everybody's being so nice to me today. I'm really happy being here.
Andy: [singing] My girlfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble-
Andy & Erin: Hey la, hey la...
Andy: ...my girlfriend's back!
Erin: [simultaneously] ...his girlfriend's back! [others cheer and applaud]
Andy: Anyway, I know it's the end of the day. We just wanted to stop by and say hi.
Kevin: Welcome home.
Erin: Thank you.
Andy: Hey, Kev.
Kevin: Yeah.
Andy: Nice sweater.
Kevin: [wearing a Cornell sweater] Thank you. Nellie was nice enough to give it to me. She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets.
Andy: What happened to old salty?
Dwight: Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.
Dwight: I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter.
Andy: Okey dokey. [knocks on door]
Nellie: Yes?
Andy: Whoa. Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about. I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about.
Nellie: Oh yes.
Andy: I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence.
Nellie: You are most welcome.
Andy: Anyway, now that I'm back, I would love to have my office back, whenever you get a chance.
Nellie: No.
Andy: Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all this stuff out of here. But, you know, the sooner the better.
Nellie: Mm-hmm.
Andy: Get back to normalcy.
Nellie: Hmm, no.
Ravi: ...and then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby. [Pam, Jim and Kelly laugh] But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call.
Pam: Oh my gosh, thank you so much. But seriously, we don't want to bother you any more than we already have.
Jim: That's it.
Kelly: It's no bother, you guys are our friends.
Pam: Ravi, our amazing pediatrician, was asking us if we knew any girls and I said I know the perfect girl.
Jim: Yep. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh, that's it.
Pam: Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together.
Pam: [talks over flashbacks] Kelly has been a handful in the past.
Kelly: [cries, slams fist on desk] Why?
Pam: [Ryan and Kelly make out in the nook] But she's had a bad influence. She's like an addict. [Ryan and Kelly argue] And I just had to get her clean.
Kevin: [Ryan and Kelly make out on Oscar's desk] Get lower.
Ryan: Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.
Jim: Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do NOT shake the baby.
Ryan: Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that.
Pam: Don't shake our baby?
Ryan: Yeah.
Pam: Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you.
Ryan: Oh, my God.
Pam: Yeah, I'm glad you said something.
Ryan: Me too.
Ryan: Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome, if you're into Indian people. I'm not.
Ryan: Hey, um, what's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?
Pam: Yeah, they're really great together.
Ryan: Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?
Jim: That's about it, yeah.
Robert: Nellie! You've been terrific in your interim capacity. But, Andrew is the rightful manager so if you would just give him his office-
Nellie: No.
Robert: I'm sorry?
Andy: This is what I was trying to tell you.
Robert: I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me. [laughs]
Nellie: Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it because then it feels so good when they finally say yes.
Robert: You're both adults. I'm sure you can figure this out between yourselves.
Robert: I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way.
Nellie: I'm gonna count down from five and if you are not out of my office, I'm going to dock your pay one hundred dollars.
Andy: [chuckling] Okay.
Nellie: Five... four...
Andy: You can't dock my pay-
Nellie: Angela! Dock Andy's pay one hundred dollars.
Angela: On it!
Andy: Great. Five, four, three, two, one. Angela, please dock Nellie's pay a hundred dollars. Angela?
Nellie: Do you want to go again?
Andy: Angela?
Nellie: Let's go again. Five... four...
Andy: Ooh, she's counting again.
Nellie: Three... two... one...
Andy: Oh, oh!
Nellie: Angela, two hundred dollars!
Angela: You got it.
Andy: Seriously, Angela?
Andy: I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.
Erin: When I see him start to get mad, I just put my hand on his arm like this.
Nellie: I know what, let's go... ten thousand dollars! [Andy laughs] Five... four...
Andy: You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless.
Nellie: Three...
Andy: It's literally like-
Nellie: Two... [Andy runs out of the room] one.
Erin: There you go. [helps Andy in the car] Hey. we're gonna have a nice, hot date.
Erin: Hey. So last night was so not a big deal.
Andy: Oh, yeah, I was just tired.
Erin: We both were. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self.
Andy: Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night, like, crazy turns me on. It just didn't last night.
Erin: Really. It's not a big deal.
Andy: Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal.
Ryan: I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you.
Kelly: Oh, those are from our weekend at the time share.
Ryan: Yeah, the fractional ownership property. [sigh] Oh, we took this one right before we got in that huge fight.
Kelly: God I don't even remember what that fight was about.
Ryan: You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked, taking those pictures of me. Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, I can send you the link.
Ryan: I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.
Erin: When you lost the manager job-
Dwight: Yes?
Erin: Did it affect you outside of the office?
Dwight: How?
Erin: I don't know what the technical term is... Penial softiosis?
Dwight: Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me. You came to the exact right person for this. No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. Never.
Erin: Oh, okay.
Dwight: Okay?
Erin: Okay.
Dwight: Washington Monument.
Erin: Oh.
Dwight: Eiffel Tower.
Erin: Okay, okay.
Pam: I saw you were getting along with Ryan again.
Kelly: He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, 'Kelly, that will be the color of our children.'
Pam: Yeah, he's so great. Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though?
Kelly: Which time?
Pam: I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I- I felt like that question was coming.
Dwight: One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So I'll keep you posted on that.
Dwight: Every day I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office. Most of it's irrelevant. But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on.
Dwight: Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that.
Nellie: What do you mean?
Dwight: Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant.
Nellie: I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood.
Nellie: Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room.
Andy: You can't call a meeting. [laughs] But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So let's get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting.
Nellie: Okay, if you would like to take a seat we can get started.
Andy: Oh! Can't do it 'cause I gotta run a meeting. So.
Nellie: No.
Andy: Wanted to talk to all of you guys about [reads whiteboard] importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important.
Robert: Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is 'impotence.'
Nellie: Which is important in its own way. So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy.
Nellie: Take a man's job, but leave him his balls.' Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie.
Nellie: This meeting is not about any one person in particular. It is a human problem.
Dwight: It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male.
Oscar: Nellie, does the person affected by this want us to help her in any way in particular?
Nellie: Oh, oh, it's not me. No, no. I've never had any problem in that arena. And I have been with several older men.
Robert & Creed: [in unison] How old?
Creed: Jinx. Buy me some Coke.
Nellie: Dwight told me about it earlier.
Erin: Dwight!
All: What?
Erin: You promised!
Kevin: Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no, It's not me. I'm gonna prove it right here and now. [thrusts his pelvis]
Angela: What are you doing?
Oscar: What is this?
Angela: Stop that! Dwight! Stop that, stop it.
Andy: Fine, it was me. I couldn't- I had a problem with Erin last night. Happy?
Andy: I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didn't perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview.
Andy: Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog?
Jim: Um...
Darryl: Uh... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You- you're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what.
Robert: It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating.
Andy: Fascinating.
Gabe: I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.
Nellie: Chumbo, come on, help me out. Any problems with Little Chumbo?
Kevin: Tip-top shape.
Nellie: Oh... Stanley?
Stanley: No. Um-um.
Nellie: Creed, you are a thousand years old.
Creed: Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did.
Andy: Okay, so I-
Pam: Actually Andy, I think maybe we experienced it.
Jim: What happened?
Pam: That a couple of times-
Jim: Couple of times.
Robert: Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times.
Dwight: Yeah Jim.
Andy: Yeah Jim, get it out there.
Jim: Um... I don't... Uh, yes, that time that it was very late. Uh, we'd had sex so many times already, I was exhausted...
Pam: Okay, stop.
Jim: I was very drunk.
Phyllis: If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was forty-two. And then when I did, it lasted 'til I was forty-four.
Phyllis: Forty-three was ju- I got nothing done. [laughs]
Gabe: I've read- and I don't know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help.
Angela: Ugh.
Gabe: This is just, uh- This American Life, I think I heard it on.
Robert: No, that's absolutely the case.
Gabe: I know, right?
Dwight: You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only but I could let you rent it.
Robert: Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life? Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share? [Creed, Kevin and Meredith raise their hands]
Kevin: Ooh, ooh!
Jim: Wow, what are we talking about?
Erin: Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking about this kind of stuff?
Toby: Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything.
Nellie: The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse, and then you stress more. And that's a vicious spiral.
Robert: I almost didn't come in today. [laughs]
Andy: [on the phone] Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level. I don't think you have to tell your friends anything. It hasn't been decided yet.
Nellie: Erin, on phone memos you're writing the date American style. Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional.
Erin: Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here! [throws phone] Take 'em yourself!
Andy: Oh, and another thing! Our sex life is none of your businesses!
Erin: And Andy is the manager, not Nellie!
Andy: Stop protecting me! I'm a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry! I don't mean to lash out at you! There's a lot coming up right now, all at once! [into phone] Dad go to hell, I'm taller than you!
Nellie: Okay, just calm down.
Andy: You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.
Robert: Andy, why don't you just take a seat?
Andy: Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? [throws chair]
Erin: And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?
Andy: And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground] And your stupid office! [punches hole in the wall] Ah!
Darryl: He does not like that wall.
Erin: Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together.
Andy: That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys.
Robert: Andy, Erin, you can join us now.
Ryan: Hey, I hear you been bad-mouthing me to Kelly.
Pam: All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly.
Ryan: Well that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion. If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face.
Pam: Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before: I don't like you very much.
Ryan: Well a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.
Oscar: Oh come on, Ryan. Really? Ravi's way better.
Ryan: For Kelly?
Kevin: Yeah. Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package.
Nate: I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say, just having knowing you a short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy.
Ryan: Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem. But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it.
Pam: Oh, no, no, no.
Oscar: Oh, come on.
Pam: Read it, please. I love amazing poetry.
Ryan: No. It would cause me too much pain.
Pam: Read through the pain. Be strong.
Ryan: This poem would crush you!
Oscar: Ryan, go away! She found herself a beautiful boyfriend!
Kevin: Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous! Please leave her alone.
Ryan: You see, Kelly? Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world.
Kelly: Ravi makes me incredibly happy. And Ryan puts me through so much drama. So I guess I just have to decide which of those is more important to me.
Robert: Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager and put you back on the sales team. I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident. I already think it's kind of funny. [chuckles]
Andy: No.
Robert: Excuse me?
Andy: I'm saying no.
Robert: Well you can't say no.
Andy: No.
Pam: [sees Ryan on the horse] Oh, boo! Boo! Boo to you! Boo!
Ryan: You are toxic! You are toxic!
Pam: Boo!
Jim: Hey, hey. Okay.
Ryan: Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, so please don't interrupt.
Kelly: I wasn't going to interrupt.
Ryan: Well you do a lot, so just don't. Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated. But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably.
Pam: Barf! Ugh, you suck!
Ryan: What is your problem? [to horse wrangler] Hey, hey, hey, can we turn this back around quickly, please? This is very important to me.
Wrangler: Turn around. Turn around. Turn around!
Ryan: Can we turn this [bleep]-ing thing around? Thank you.
Wrangler: She don't wanna turn around.
Ryan: Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly.
Kelly: Ryan.
Ryan: Will you roll those dice with me?
Kelly: You mean so much to me. But, I love Ravi and I choose him.
Ryan: No you don't.
Kelly: I do.
Ryan: No you don't.
Kelly: I hope we can still be friends. Can I have a hug?
Ryan: What? [they hug]
Kelly: That was really cool. [they make out]
Angela: Ugh. Eww!
Jim: Well, it's good to see Kelly's maturing.
Angela: Oh God!
Robert: Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.
Andy: No.
Nellie: It's the apology. I really have to insist.
Andy: [British accent] No.
Nellie: Stop saying no.
Andy: No.
Robert: Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say?
Andy: No.
Andy: I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive.
Erin: Here- [grabs the box Andy's holding]
Andy: Ah- da, da, da, da. I got it.
Erin: But you hurt your hand.
Andy: I... Got... It.
Erin: Right now?
Andy: Yes.
Pam: You're not the least bit curious to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul?
Jim: Not at all, can we go?
Pam: Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches.'
Jim: Second line.
Pam: He is a drifter out to sea.'
Jim: And when the Indian Ocean calms, one speck of white remains in waters cold and Kelly green.'
Pam: It's just so dumb. [chokes up] But when he describes himself as a child, lost on the life raft...
Jim: Uh, Ryan can never know.