Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar: Who is this guy again?
Michael: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
Oscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.
Michael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright.
Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... [Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram] ... I have to go make a call.
Pam: Happy birthday Michael.
Michael: Oh ho ho! What?
Pam: I said happy birthday.
Michael: Thank you! That's really nice.
Michael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a
Michael: What's up?
Jim: Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday.
Michael: Ah, thank you sir.
Meredith: Did you hear anything yet?
Kevin: No. I'm still waiting.
Michael: [Dwight knocks on door] Yeah.
Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!
Michael: Ohh, god.
Dwight: Birthday hug!
Michael: No no no, no, new suit, please.
Dwight: That suit is amazing.
Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually- no, Bulgaria.
Dwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one.
Michael: Good luck. One of a kind.
Dwight: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Michael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.
Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...
Michael: Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.
Dwight: Let's get the party started. [Begins 'raising the roof']
Michael: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in]
Phyllis: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?
Pam: One's good.
Angela: One thirty. [Pam yawns] I'm sorry, are we boring you?
Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.
Phyllis: Where do we get those?
Dwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam]
Pam: Michael wants a strippergram?
Dwight: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom.
Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting.
Michael: [answering phone] Yeah?
Pam: Michael, I have Jan on the line.
Michael: Oh, great, put her through.
Jan: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Hey, you.
Jan: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent.
Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan: Well, today's not my birthday, so...
Michael: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan: ...Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael: Thanks. [grins]
Jan: Am I on camera?
Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]
Michael: [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want.
Michael: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!
Stanley: Mmhmm, happy birthday.
Michael: Thanks.
Jim: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?
Kevin: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion.
Jim: Oh, okay.
Kelly: Second opinion on what?
Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer.
Kelly: Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and
Jim: Kelly, you know what...
Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.
Toby: Who brought in donuts?
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday.
Toby: I... guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Toby: Are you serious?
Michael: Mmm.
Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable.
Kevin: Right.
Oscar: It's going to be okay.
Angela: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though.
Delivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott.
Michael: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright?
Delivery Woman: Uh... s-sure.
Michael: [laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous.
Pam: I can sign for it.
Delivery Woman: Oh. Thanks.
Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.
Michael: [eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that?
Dwight: It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song.
Michael: Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.
Dwight: I probably care more than she does.
Michael: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [points to James Dean poster].
Pam: When does he hear?
Jim: Sometime today.
Pam: Ohh... poor Kevin.
Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week.
Dwight: Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back... order... [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!
Michael: What?
Dwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.
Michael: [grinning] Ohhh, God.
Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
Michael: Ohhh, no.
Dwight: So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin!
Oscar: ...I'll do it.
Michael: Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this.
Dwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley!
Pam: ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?
Jim: Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and...
Dwight: On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael.
Michael: Thank you.
Dwight: One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling]
Michael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please.
Dwight: Oscar...
Oscar: It wasn't me.
Dwight: Okay, that is
Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.
Dwight: F. Alright, what's the damage?
Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty.
Dwight: [pulls out wallet] Thirty nine... sixty.
Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Dwight: Here they come.
Michael: Get in here... everybody.
Dwight: Come and get it!
Michael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you.
Oscar: What is this?
Dwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.
Michael: The best.
Stanley: These are all the same?
Michael: Yes.
Angela: Bologna? I don't eat bologna.
Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.
Angela: No.
Michael: Just the bread, it's fresh baked.
Angela: No.
Michael: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it.
Michael: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So...
Jim: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back.
Pam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles.
Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number.
Pam: And his favorite lunch.
Dwight: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left [pulls ice cream cake out of freezer].
Ryan: [making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.
Angela: [grabs cake] Oh. Thank you.
Dwight: Oh. I got it.
Angela: What are- it's... the party planning committee.
Dwight: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.
Angela: Fine.
Dwight: What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes... [whispering] but don't expect any cookie.
Dwight: [whispering] But what if i'm hungry?
Angela: [whispering]
Jim: [puts fabric softener into cart] ...What?
Pam: You use fabric softener?
Jim: Yeah, you don't?
Pam: No, I do.
Jim: ...Okay.
Office Staff: [singing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings] Happy birthday... [everyone but Dwight stops] ...tooo youuuu.
Kevin: Hello? Hey.
Michael: Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Kevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy.
Michael: Are you done? ...Good. Okay.
Dwight: Here we go. Make a wish.
Michael: Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [blows out the candles]
Dwight: Yaoo yay! [claps]
Michael: ... I asked for trick candles.
Dwight: Pam was supposed to get 'em.
Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.
Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Michael: ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door].
Pam: [checking watch] We should probably head back.
Jim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.
Pam: You dare me? How old are you?
Jim: Just... quit stalling.
Pam: [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.
Jim: Such a dork.
Pam: [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you...
Store Employee: Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy.
Pam: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Jim: How old are you?
Pam: I hate you.
Toby: [to Kevin] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible.
Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Kevin: Still scary.
Michael: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
Michael: And laughter... also.
Toby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby: I work here.
Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Kevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.
Michael: Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry.
Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls.
Jim: Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael.
Dwight: Please, don't.
Jim: You... owe me.
Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.
Stanley: Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday?
Michael: How dare you sir. You are gross.
Michael: [sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink] That should not be there.
Dwight: I'll get someone to take it down.
Michael: No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!
Kelly: Don't be scared! You're good! You're good!
Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Jim: Think you can let go?
Pam: No. [laughs]
Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by]
Dwight: YEAH!
Pam: Who is that?
Jim: Is that Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.
Pam: I got it.
Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Jim: ...It's something to think about.
Kevin: I can't relax about it, you know?
Michael: Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Kevin: No, not yet.
Michael: Okay. Well. Live strong.
Kevin: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Alright.
Carol: Michael?
Michael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or...
Carol: Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.
Michael: Oh, these... all your kids?
Carol: No just the front two.
Michael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?
Carol: Sure.
Michael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!
Michael: Push. Good! That's great. You got it. [Kevin's phone rings] Excuse me.
Kevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative.
Michael: Oh... God... [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here [hugs Kevin].
Michael: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos.
Kevin: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys.
Michael: Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!
Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around.
Michael: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Dwight: Number one!!
Michael: Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: This is from all of us.
Michael: Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it.
Pam: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.
Jim: Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done.
Dwight: Let's get the party started.
Michael: That's not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat]
Dwight: Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment.
Michael: Okay, here's the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, 'Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate me.' A great boss will say, 'Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts.'
Michael: Good. You know, Ryan, you didn't have to get me a present.
Ryan: I won't.
Michael: Good. Great.
Ryan: Okay, good. I think I'm gonna go.
Michael: No, I think you're gonna stay.
Michael: On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister's Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today.
Kevin: Can you please stop staring at me? [Dwight continues to stare and then walks away]
Dwight: To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. [scoffs] Makes me rethink having skin at all.
Michael: [knock on door] Mmm-hmm.
Ryan: Hey. I got the information.
Michael: Oh, good. Okay. Don't tell me, tell them.
Ryan: [turns to camera] 'The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%.'
Michael: Oh, my God. That's a piece of cake. That's a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that's good.
Ryan: [looking at camera] 'There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005.'
Michael: Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry.
Ryan: For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and...'
Michael: Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, 'I have cancer.'
Ryan: The skin is the largest organ of the body.'
Michael: Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body.
Angela: I'm not afraid of dying. I know where I'm going. But if I were Kevin, I might be terrified. Gluttony.


Dwight: Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. [Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth] Spit... Okay, come on, let's go.
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.
Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight
Dwight: Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin: [nods] Hey...
Dwight: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
Jim: [mimicking Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Pam: [laughs] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, [makes mournful face, giggles] that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can.
Kelly: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said 'Is it okay if I sip it?' and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.
Dwight: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?
Kelly: Six.
Dwight: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.
Michael: Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow.
Dwight: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.
Jim: Whoa. You are a volunteer.
Dwight: I volunteered for this job.
Jim: And that's not the same.
Dwight: It is my duty...
Jim: [interrupting] Volunteer duty.
Dwight: ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
Michael: [fake coughing] Narc!
Kevin: [giggling]
Dwight: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
Michael: I wasn't attempting to compliment you.
Dwight: Well, you have...
Michael: Uuf, well...
Dwight: ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...
Michael: [shakes head] Okay...
Dwight: ...and I am very proud of being a narc.
Michael: Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where's my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Jim: Well, your office is behind you.
Michael: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?
Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any.
Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
Dwight: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
Oscar: No, I have not.
Dwight: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Oscar: What are you implying?
Dwight: Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?
Oscar: Okay. I'm done with this.
Dwight: He sure left in a hurry.
Dwight: I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.
Dwight: Do you know what this is? [pushing a photo toward her]
Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.
Dwight: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
Dwight: [grabs pictures back and looks at it] Dammit.
Creed: That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.
Dwight: No, it's marijuana.
Jim: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works.
Jim: Now how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you.
Jim: No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Dwight: [opens eyes wide in total surprise]
Oscar: So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it.
Jim: Oh, um...[mimicking Stanley] Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly]
Stanley: Is that supposed to be me?
Jim: Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
Stanley: I do not think that is funny.
Pam: He does everyone in the office.
Stanley: Hmmmpt.
Pam/Jim: [in unison] I do not think that is funny.
Pam: Jinx! Buy me a coke.
Jim: Oh...
Pam: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out]
Pam: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
Jim: [mouths] C'mon!
Pam: Sorry, that's not my problem.
Jim: [presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face]
Dwight: I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.
Angela: I understand.
Dwight: Where were you yesterday after work?
Angela: [smiles knowingly]
Michael: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?
Kevin: That is so good, Michael
Michael: Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who's in trouble?
Dwight: Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine.
Michael: Waa... what? What are you talking about?
Dwight: Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.
Oscar: Is that true, Toby?
Toby: Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing.
Michael: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.
Michael: Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight: No you can't do that.
Michael: I can do that, it is my office.
Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it
Michael: Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great.
Dwight: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?
Kevin: I'm not taking Rogaine.
Dwight: Angela, what about you?
Angela: I don't take any prescription drugs.
Dwight: You're not on
Angela: [Gives Dwight a knowing look]
Dwight: Good.
Kelly: So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! [Jim hunches his shoulders and grins] One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. [Jim shakes his head no in agreement] I mean not everything, Jim. [Jim shakes his head in agreement] I promise, I'm not that kind of...
Pam: Hey guys, what's going on?
Kelly: We're having the best conversation. [Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no]
Pam: Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. [Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly] But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Jim nods his head as if to say, 'Gee, thanks, Pam.']
Kelly: So, I was looking so hot...
Michael: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.
Phyllis: We don't feel that way.
Angela: No, not at all.
Oscar: You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.
Michael: No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, 'Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.'
Dwight: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.
Michael: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Stanley: Where did you get these facts?
Michael: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Stanley: They are not.
Michael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley: No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.
Michael: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael: Yes it is.
Toby: No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can't do that.
Michael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby: That's not random.
Michael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.
Pam: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Michael: Really? [Jim shakes his head no]
Pam: Uh, hmmm.
Michael: Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths 'I can't' and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well.
Pam: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.
Michael: The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.
Dwight: No, you will be tested.
Michael: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight: You will be. That is the law according to the rules.
Michael: Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.
Dwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: I'm all better.
Michael: So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.
Dwight: What kind of filing?
Michael: Just forget it. Just the urine.
Dwight: That goes directly to the tester.
Michael: Just. I need your urine.
Dwight: Like in a cup?
Michael: Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight.
Dwight: For what purpose?
Michael: It's none of your business.
Dwight: Then I refuse.
Michael: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.
Dwight: Are you serious?
Michael: I need clean urine for the lady.
Dwight: But that's illegal.
Michael: Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes
Dwight: Not my urine.
Michael: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.
Dwight: Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?
Michael: No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup.
Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Angela: You're not going to get my permission on this.
Dwight: I know that. Don't you think I know that?
Linda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country.
Ryan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
Ryan: Yeah. Maybe.
Dwight: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.
Pam: What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means]
Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.
Michael: Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.
Dwight: That's great.
Michael: What's wrong? Where's your costume?
Dwight: It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Michael: Why? Wha...
Dwight: I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.
Pam: [placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam]
Jim: Hi.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: How much time do you have left on your break?
Pam: Ten minutes.
Michael: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.
Dwight: Really?
Michael: Yes, sir.
Dwight: That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked .
Michael: So you wanna? Thanks.
Hank: Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security.
Michael: Okay.
Hank: Here's your badge.
Dwight: Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. [To Hank] Can I have a gun?
Hank: No, I don't have a gun.
Dwight: Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff.
Hank: I don't think so.
Michael: Good.
Dwight: [salutes] Thank you, Michael.
Michael: No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes]
Dwight: I need to go over some details with you.
Michael: Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you.
Dwight: First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?
Hank: Two.
Dwight: Oh, God.
Jim: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?
Jim: [growling] Nice.
Pam: Kevin.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Do someone else.
Jim: Um, [gives Pam a look]
Pam: Angela.
Jim: Whoa.
Pam: The eyebrow.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight: I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes.
Toby: Michael's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, but I don't think he's doing drugs. Maybe he should. Take the edge off. Uh, not at work, of course.
Dwight: People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs.
Phyllis: He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately.
Stanley: And what did you say?
Phyllis: I said no.
Stanley: Hmm.
Phyllis: You're welcome.
Dwight: Your turn, Stanley. [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] Angela, you're up.
Pam: Last night? Let's see.
Dwight: Go ahead. Don't lie.
Pam: I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that?
Dwight: No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead.
Pam: I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy.
Dwight: Oh.
Pam: And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp.
Dwight: Oh.
Meredith: Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired? [Jim shakes head 'no'] Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it. [Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no'] They're not taking away my kid. Oh.
Kelly: Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold.
Dwight: Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up.
Michael: Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.
Oscar: How?
Michael: Exactly. I know. It's amazing.
Oscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or...
Creed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong...
Michael: Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.
Dwight: Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! [Note pad reads, 'Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive'] There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names.
Michael: One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar...
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.
Phyllis: It's not me, either.
Michael: No? okay, fine.
Jan: [on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.
Michael: Okay, well, I really think that... [dial tone beeping]
Pam: Has she been on the phone the whole time?
Michael: Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.
Dwight: Make-up sex. Nice!
Kevin: Nice.
Michael: Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?
Dwight: The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high.
Michael: Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.
Dwight: just drink a lot of water.
Michael: Well...
Dwight: You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.
Michael: I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?
Pam: [reading from Michael's flier] 'Drugs: Let's not and say we did.' I think Michael was high when he wrote this.
Toby: You know, sometimes I wish we just didn't have a conference room. [Kelly laughs] You know? He couldn't do that.
Kelly: But then we wouldn't have any meetings.
Toby: Yeah.
Kelly: Okay. Bye, Toby.
Toby: Bye.
Kelly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don't have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay.
Angela: I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim.
Meredith: Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free.
Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please. [to Jim] There's a Brenda on the phone for you. [to Brenda] Just one second, I'll transfer.
Jim: [telephone ringing] [shows note to camera 'It's OK. She'll call back!']
Man: She's got it up now.
Sheriff: He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down.
Dwight: Hey. Hey. Jerry.
Sheriff: Thanks.
Dwight: Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge.
Sheriff: Where sis you get that?
Dwight: I got it here.
Sheriff: No. No, you didn't. we didn't give you this.
Dwight: No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore.
Sheriff: You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit.
Dwight: Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could.
Sheriff: Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out?
Dwight: Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance...
Sheriff: Surveillance?
Dwight: Crowd control, directing traffic...
Sheriff: Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace?
Dwight: I've only had to use it once.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: [tosses the butt of a joint in parking lot] We should get a pizza.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: I hate pizza.


Kevin: So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet?
Pam: No.
Kevin: Cause I'm in a band. We really rock.
Jim: Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.
Phyllis: Oh I got the 'Save The Date'.
Pam: Yeah?
Phyllis: Yeah, pretty stationery.
Pam: Oh, thanks!
Angela: I didn't get mine yet.
Pam: Uh...
Pam: There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.
Michael: Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.
Phyllis: Uh, on or off?
I.D. Photographer: Off.
Phyllis: Okay... [removes glasses]
Dwight: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Phyllis: [leaving the room] Excuse me.
Dwight: Clown paint.
Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Michael: That's a nice tie.
Ryan: Thank you.
Michael: That is... who makes that?
Ryan: Um, I don't...
Michael: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Ryan: Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes.
Oscar: It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed...
Michael: [walking into the Conference room] What's the dealio?
Toby: Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today.
Michael: What's the problem?
Oscar: Angela!
Toby: It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace.
Oscar: Since Christmas.
Michael: So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?
Oscar: No.
Toby: Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please?
Michael: Yes.
Toby: Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen.
Michael: Yeah?
Toby: These things just have a way of working themselves out.
Michael: Okay.
Toby: It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it.
Michael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...
Toby: Okay.
Michael: Okay... what?
Toby: That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael: Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?
Michael: [holding up a binder] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.[in a comedic voice] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.
Angela: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.
Michael: No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.
Oscar: What's the next one?
Michael: Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?
Angela: Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever?
Michael: Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.
Michael: [in front of poster] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using 'I' emotion language and no judging or 'you' statements.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael: Come on, seriously, that?
Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the...
Michael: Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.
Pam: Win!
Michael: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.
Oscar: No.
Angela: That's... no...
Michael: Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution.
Angela: How about, I leave it up?
Oscar: How 'bout, she takes it down?
Pam: How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Michael: Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.
Pam: Win.
Oscar: Fine.
Angela: But, it...
Michael: [claps his hands twice] It is done!
Pam: Win
Photographer: [snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot] No, you're all good.
Creed: Great. [gets up and leaves]
Pam: Hey, Angela.[hands her a Save The Date card] I didn't have your zip code.
Angela: Oh. Thanks.
Angela: It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste.
Toby: You solved it?
Michael: Yes.
Toby: Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers]
Michael: Are those all the other complains?
Toby: Mmm-Hm.
Michael: I would like to see those please.
Toby: I... I can't do that.
Michael: You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.
Toby: That... [shakes head and places hand over the file]
Michael: Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right... is that it?
Toby: [sighs and pulls out a box under his desk] It's all Dwight's.
Toby: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.
Michael: Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?
Photographer: Are you sure? [looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest]
Dwight: Oh, he's sure. Just shoot.
Photographer: [shoots twice]
Michael: [looking through papers in the complaint box] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Pam: Nice.
Michael: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.
Toby: Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This [unlocks a drawer]is January through March of this year. [pulls out a fairly large folder]
Michael: How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? [looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands] And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? [employees mumble 'merely listen to and forgotten...' ] That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... [sighs] Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?
Angela: You already did me.
Michael: That's what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does 'redacted' mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked 'redacted'... ?
Toby: Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off.
Michael: Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.
Dwight: Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?
Pam: [notices Angela's intense concern] Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?
Michael: All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And [looks through the file]... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.
Pam: Wait, what did it say?
Michael: Uh... [reading]'Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?' [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?
Pam: I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?!
Michael: Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club.
Ryan: My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes...
Kelly: I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking.
Toby: To your HR representative.
Kelly: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn.
Toby: Fine, I'll take your name off. [looks at Michael] So no one will know.
Michael: [crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin' progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes?
Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael: What?!
Jim: And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
Dwight: Okay, question. [looks at Toby] When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?
Toby: Sure.
Michael: Stanley. [off camera]
Pam: [gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out!
Michael: [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Anglea: I didn't do it! [Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible]
Pam: I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.
Michael: Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.]
Michael: Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.
Phyllis: No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close.
Michael: And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.
Phyllis: Stanley and I are close, too.
Stanley: We sit close.
Michael: Oh... ok.
Toby: [sits down for his ID picture] Just take it. [flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again]
Pam: I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby.
Jim: Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends.
Pam: Don't take her side.
Jim: [sighs] Well, what does Roy think about everything?
Pam: I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Jim: You mean your thoughts and feelings?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah...
Phyllis: I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting.
Angela: Yes, that's the problem.
Phyllis: I guess so...
Michael: Okay, well... all settled, then.
Phyllis: [whispering to Angela] I don't like you.
Michael: OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death.
Michael: All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.
Kevin: I accept your decision!
Jim: Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together.
Dwight: That doesn't make any sense.
Jim: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect.
Photographer: [to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera] Smile.
Dwight: No.
Dwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Jim: This came out really well. [picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight] There you go.
Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat...
Jim: Oh.
Dwight: And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'.
Jim: What did I write?
Dwight: I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file.
Toby: Talk to Michael. I gave him the box.
Dwight: What box?!
Phyllis: But I didn't report your snoring-
Stanley: Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... [Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box]
Michael: Uh. Dwight.
Dwight: Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.
Michael: Okay! Calm down.
Dwight: No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on?
Michael: Hey, hey!
Dwight: Him or me?
Michael: Stop.
Dwight: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.
Michael: Okay...
Dwight: Either he goes, or I go.
Michael: Dwight...
Dwight: You choose!
Michael: Stop...
Dwight: One of us is out of here by the end of today! [runs out]
Michael: Oh... kay...
Dwight: I am not bluffing!
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Okay?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I deserve this. You know I do!
Michael: [picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?
Dwight: You have till five.
Dwight: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!
Michael: Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!
Michael: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.
Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] 'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.' [flips to another paper] 'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'
Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.
Michael: [reading] 'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.' [flips to another paper] 'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.' Gah. 'This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.'
Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
Michael: [reading] 'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'
Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.'
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.
Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.
Jim: Maybe Stanford would be cool.
Dwight: It's a good market. Higher volume.
Jim: Yeah. Maybe we should both go.
Dwight: I have a girlfriend...
Jim: Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.
Michael: Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.
Dwight: So, you going to transfer Jim or not?
Michael: Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.
Dwight: I want an answer by tomorrow.
Michael: Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?
Dwight: Fine.
Michael: Good. Okay.
Michael: Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?
Photographer: I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.
Michael: Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?
Photographer: You mean digital?
Michael: It'll take like two seconds.
Photographer: 20 bucks.
Michael: Ugh... All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter.
Stanley: You gotta be kiddin' me.
Michael: Come on, everybody.
Dwight: Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go.
Photographer: One, two, three... smile. [camera flashes, but no one smiles] Try to smile.
Michael: We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.
Photographer: Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes]
Michael: Good, let's check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.
Photographer: That'll be another 20.
Michael: What?
Pam: Angela, I want to talk to you about something.
Michael: [off camera] You just press the button.
Angela: What?
Jim: No, Pam.
Pam: [looks at to Jim] I am. [looks at Angela] It's about the Save The Date.
Jim: Pam, it wasn't her.
Pam: What?!
Jim: I'm the one who complained about you.
Jim: I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting.
Michael: [off camera] Okay, good. Check that out.
Jim: You know, it was one day.
Michael: [off camera] That's terrible.
Jim: And I took it right back. It was like...
Pam: Okay.
Phyllis: Oh, dear.
Michael: [off camera] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down]
Michael: It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.
Michael: [flashback the photo being taken] One, two..[flash goes off] Didn't say three, did I?
Michael: But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems.
Jim: [on Pam's answering machine] Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. [camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office]
Female worker: Okay, Jan will see you now.
Jim: Oh, thanks.
Michael: And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.
Dwight: [elevator bell dings] What is this? What happened here?
Jim: I don't know.
Dwight: Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning?
Jim: Dwight, I really think someone's probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it.
Dwight: A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank.
Jim: Probably is.
Dwight: Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! [Jim's cell phone beeping] Oh, you people are useless. Jesus.
Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it's the Sheriff. He said that it's really important. It's regarding your desk. I'll transfer.
Dwight: Oh, no, no, don't! I can't... [groans] [telephone ringing]
Jim: Just cut through it, man, it's no big deal.
Dwight: This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not.
Jim: That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it's a murder.
Dwight: No, there's no blood.
Jim: Maybe poison?
Dwight: Possibly.
Jim: My God!
Dwight: [exclaiming in fear] No, Jim, no! [Jim knocks Dwight's phone off its cradle] [yelling toward the phone] Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20?
Michael: Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice.
Ryan: I know.
Michael: On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that.
Photographer: [Dwight slurping] Okay, here we go. One, two...
Dwight: He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair.
Michael: I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, 'What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?' Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot.
Dwight: I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken.
Photographer: So there were no death threats?
Dwight: Let me see your ID.
Michael: There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, 'I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu.' See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway.
Michael: There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. [imitating gonging] And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person.
Photographer: All right.
Pam: That's not bad. Hey, do you do weddings?
Photographer: Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that?
Jim: Not bad.
Dwight: I gave her a higher clearance than you.
Jim: What does Level Red mean?
Dwight: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. [laughing maniacally]
Meredith: Wait. [puts eye drops in] [Photographer takes the shot and her eyes are closed]
Kevin: No, wait. [put on a hat] Yeah.
Phyllis: You must have misdialed. This is Phyllis. No, I'm not sure what his extension is. [glares at Stanley as he glares right back]
Michael: Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal.
Phyllis: Come on, Dwight, I think it's actually healthy to get it off your chest.
Dwight: I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down.
Phyllis: You're arrogant and pompous, and I don't like you.
Michael: Cage Match'? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no.
Hank the Security Guard: Excuse me, sir! Dwight Schrute, is that your real name?
Dwight: Yes, sir.
Kevin: Morning.
Hank the Security Guard: Good morning. Okay, go ahead.
Dwight: Thank you. [elevator door closes] No, come on... God!


Michael: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, 'Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.' Makes you feel good.
Jim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam: It's a nice tux.
Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.
Roy: So, what's the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That's lame.
Pam: Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert.
Dwight: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight: How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight: [laughs] You can't be serious. Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight: I don't believe you. Continue.
Jim: It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I'll try. [The coat rack wobbles] [Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene]
Dwight: Oh, my God.
Michael: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Jan: [on phone] Yeah, but... Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.
Michael: Top 80 percent!
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Yeah?
Jan: You know that I'm very serious here.
Michael: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!
Jan: What?
Michael: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.
Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader.
Michael: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.
Jan: [laughs] I think you can handle it.
Michael: Oh, come on. Come on.
Jan: I think so, Michael...
Michael: You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.
Jan: Goodbye, Michael.
Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.
Michael: Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.
Oscar: Again? We do that every year.
Michael: Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.
Oscar: It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.
Michael: Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.
Jim: That doesn't exist anymore.
Michael: Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people.
Pam: No, they stopped making that show.
Michael: Well, then, they need our money more than ever.
Angela: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization.
Creed: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them.
Kevin: Something with animals. Or people.
Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is
Angela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?
Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's Afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.
Michael: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. 'I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.' [laughs] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.
Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: Oh, nothing.
Jim: Till Death Do Us Rock.'
Pam: They're wedding bands.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.
Jim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.
Pam: There's a KISS cover band in here.
Jim: Let's do it.
Pam: I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work.
Jim: Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know... I have no future here.
Michael: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?
Darryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.
Michael: It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.
Darryl: Except my warehouse.
Michael: Well, actually, it's my warehouse.
Dwight: Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.
Michael: Why are you here?
Dwight: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
Michael: Not. I said, not that.
Darryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael: That you are afraid.
Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael: Dinkin' flicka.
Darryl: [sighs] Dinkin' flicka.
Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say.
Michael: Give me some. [Michael and Darryl perform simultaneous hand gesture]
Darryl: Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.
Jim: [Jim ejects a videotape from the VCR and puts in a new one] Wow. I don't know how you're gonna decide. They are all extremely good.
Pam: I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza.
Jim: Yes.
Pam: Have three stages, yeah.
Jim: Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Let's take a look. Nice.
Pam: Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums.
Jim: What?
Pam: On the drums! On the drums!
Jim: Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer.
Kevin: We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.
Jim: Wow. Oh!
Pam: Oh, my...
Jim: Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label, we're gonna...
Pam: No! No!
Jim: No, Pam, you're gonna lose him to another wedding.
Pam: No, come back! No, no, no!
Jim: Kev!
Pam: Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding.
Michael: [phone rings] Yes
Pam: [phone rings] Michael, Carol Stills for you.
Michael: Who?
Pam: Carol Stills.
Michael: Do I know a Carol Stills?
Pam: Your realtor.
Michael: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it
Pam: It's still me.
Pam: Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.
Pam: Carol, you're on with Michael.
Carol: [on phone] Hello, Michael?
Michael: Hi, Carol. How you doing?
Carol: I'm great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance.
Michael: Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.
Carol: Oh, great.
Michael: Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped.
Carol: Oh, good, I'm glad. Can I drop it over later?
Michael: Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night.
Carol: Oh, great.
Michael: Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink.
Carol: To the casino thing?
Michael: Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you...[phone rings] What do you...
Carol: What?
Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes?
Pam: Michael, Jan's on line two.
Michael: Okay, put her through. [Deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume?
Pam: It's still me. Uh, Jan, here's Michael.
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Hey, Jan. How you doing?
Jan: You know, I... I thought about it and you are right.
Michael: I am?
Jan: I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jan: Incidentally, what is the charity?
Michael: AIDS.
Jan: Okay, then. I will see you tonight.
Michael: Okay, sounds great.
Jan: Bye-bye.
Michael: Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just...
Carol: No problemo.
Michael: Right.
Carol: To answer your question...
Michael: Yeah?
Carol: Yes.
Michael: What?
Carol: I'd love to go.
Michael: Okay.
Carol: I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn't be a problem.
Michael: Problem. Good.
Carol: And I'll bring the papers, too.
Michael: Good, All right. Sounds great.
Carol: I'll see you tonight.
Michael: Bye.
Carol: Bye.
Michael: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.
Pam: [People playing casino games as the actual Casino Night begins] Oh, my God!
Roy: Yeah! That's great.
Michael: Hey, hey.
Carol: Hi.
Michael: Hey, Carol.
Carol: Hi.
Michael: You look great.
Carol: Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here.
Michael: Oh, well... Kiss. [Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek] That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and... Yes? Ah, Dwight [Kisses cheeks]
Dwight: Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.
Dwight: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'
Michael: Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters.
Carol: Drink would be good.
Michael: Okay.
Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.
Billy's Girlfriend: I'm gonna get a drink. Do you need anything?
Billy: No, I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart.
Billy's Girlfriend: Okay.
Michael: Billy, your nurse is hot.
Billy: That's my girlfriend.
Michael: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress.
Michael: Chili's is great.
Michael: Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley: [Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows.
Dealer: Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold'em. Good luck, everybody. That's at least four red chips to you, sir.
Michael: All-in. [Other players fold their hands]
Michael: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?
Toby: I'll call.
Michael: What are... That's insane.
Toby: I have good cards.
Michael: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don't be stupid. Just take it back.
Dealer: No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in.
Michael: Okay, all right, whatever.
Dealer: Flip them.
Michael: You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves]
Meredith: Wow.
Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling.
Dwight: I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs.
Jim: [coughs] I will raise. [Dwight sighs and folds his cards] Thanks.
Jim: It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds.
Carol: Wow, bad luck.
Michael: Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning. [Sees Jan] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Jan.
Jan: Hi.
Michael: Look, okay, I think we're all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship.
Jan: What are you... Just... Wait, what're you talking about?
Carol: What does that mean?
Michael: After you said you weren't coming, I invited Carol to come and I don't think that I did anything wrong.
Jan: No. No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Jan. I'm Michael's boss.
Carol: Hi, hi.
Jan: Does anyone want a drink?
Carol: No, I'm good.
Jan: Okay. [Carol stares at Michael]
Michael: Um...
Dwight: Hey, hey.
Michael: Hey. What...
Dwight: Jan's here.
Dwight: Give me the dice.
Kevin: Come on, Dwight.
Dwight: Let's go.
Billy: It's all on you, baby. Let's go.
Angela: Good evening, Dwight. What is this?
Dwight: Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins.
Kevin: Yes.
Angela: Then roll an eight.
Dwight: Thank you, Angela.
Angela: Good luck, Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah! Yeah! [Kisses Angela, she slaps him and walks away smiling]
Kevin: Dwight, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going. Let's go.
Oscar: Let it ride. Let it all ride.
Dwight: Give me the dice!
Jim: Yeah, right.
Pam: Yeah, right,' what?
Jim: What was this? [Makes face]
Pam: [Laughs] I have good cards.
Jim: Really?
Pam: Mhmm, And I'm gonna take you all-in.
Jim: Wow. I think you're bluffing.
Kevin: Yeah, I think she's full of it.
Pam: Straight.
Jim: Oh. Three nines.
Kevin: Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen.
Jim: Thank you very much. It was fun.
Jan: Cosmopolitan, please.
Carol: Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That's a long drive.
Jan: Well, it's part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So... Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been...
Carol: Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess.
Jan: Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport.
Carol: Well, I'm having a nice time.
Jan: Oh, me too. Me too.
Ryan: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?
Michael: All right!
Dealer: The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four!
Dwight: Come on, shooter!
Michael: Four! [Holds dice in front of Carol] Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. [Holds dice in front of Jan] All right, here we go!
Carol: All right.
Michael: Yeah!
Dealer: Five.
Michael: So close. So close.
Dwight: Come on. [Turns to Jan] So where you staying? Radisson?
Jan: What?
Dwight: Super 8?
Jan: No, I...
Dwight: Motel 6? Best Western?
Jan: I didn't... I don't know...
Dwight: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?
Kevin: I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah... I'm pretty good at poker.
Kevin: All-in.
Phyllis: Okay, let's do it.
Bob Vance: Good Luck, honey.
Phyllis: Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn't matter, it's just fun to play.
Kevin: Three queens.
Dwight: Nice, very nice.
Phyllis: I have an ace.
Oscar: No, that's a flush.
Dwight: Oh, man!
Phyllis: Oh, I have a flush!
Bob: Yes!
Phyllis: Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again?
Kevin: I suck.
Roy: She took you down, huh?
Kevin: I do not want to talk about it.
Roy: Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock.
Kevin: Yeah?
Roy: Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding?
Kevin: Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay?
Roy: Whatever. I'm in charge of the music.
Kevin: Dude, you will not be sorry.
Roy: Sweet. All right.
Kevin: All right.
Jan: Smoke?
Jim: No, thanks. You having fun?
Jan: Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here.
Jim: Yeah, we all really...
Jan: Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed
Jim: Well, I think you look great.
Jan: Why did I hook up with Michael?
Jim: Yeah, why did you?
Jan: It was very late, Jim. Very... Very late and... Have you given any more thought to the transfer?
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Jan: Good. Have you told anyone?
Jim: No.
Jan: Well, you should.
Bob: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin!
Creed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.
Roy: Sorry, babe. I am just beat.
Pam: It's okay. I'll see you at home.
Roy: Okay. Hey, don't try to lose too much money, all right?
Pam: Okay.
Roy: If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?
Jim: Okay, will do.
Roy: See you.
Pam: Bye! Hey.
Jim: Hey, how's it going?
Pam: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker.
Jim: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Pam: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim: No, I...
Pam: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim: I was just... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I um... I... I can't.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea...
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be
Pam: I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
Jan: Hey. I'm leaving.
Michael: Hey, okay.
Jan: So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud.
Michael: Thank you.
Jan: And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks.
Michael: Okay. Thanks for coming.
Jan: Nice to meet you.
Carol: You, too.
Jan: And you guys have a good time together.
Michael: Okay. Talk to you Monday.
Jan: Yeah.
Carol: Goodbye.
Michael: Good night. She's a good boss.
Carol: She seems really nice.
Michael: Oh, she's great.
Michael: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.
Pam: [On phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim enters] I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim... [They kiss]
Michael: Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money.
Dwight: Do you need anything?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Should I get water or donuts?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Come on, let's go. Take a seat.
Oscar: What's going on, Michael?
Michael: I want somebody to give me the name of one of our biggest competitors.
Dwight: Office Depot!
Michael: Good. Yes, that will work. All right. Now I need a plural noun. [All groaning]
Pam: Apparently Michael has come up with a Dunder Mifflin Mad Lib, and he's making us play it with him. We are so happy. No. I'd like to choose a different adjective.
Michael: How about a location?
Dwight: The planet Caprica.
Michael: Where the hell is that?
Dwight: It's from Battlestar Galactica.
Michael: Okay, all right.
Stanley: I am going back to my desk...
Michael: No, no, no. No, no, not until you give me an adjective.
Stanley: Annoying.
Michael: We already have that. So...
Toby: Frustrating.
Michael: No, Toby, damn it, come on! We already have that. I need something fun. Something like fat or smelly. Or pukey. Pukey. Pukey's good. Okay. Pukey. Now I need a noun.
Phyllis: Ass.
Michael: Good. Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn't so hard. All right, here we go. 'Office Depot is an annoying store. One day Creed went there to buy paper. And he ran into irritating Cylons.'
Dwight: Yeah, get them, Creed!
Michael: One of them was named Michael Scott, and he was an...' Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay, okay, we're... Okay, we're starting over.
Dwight: My charity is the Farm Defense Fund. It's one of the best organizations that fights infestation of the beet armyworm.
Jim: My charity is the Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Department, because Dwight's a Volunteer Sheriff. So I thought this was a perfect opportunity to support/mock him.
Dwight: I don't believe that Jim moved that coat rack. But if he did, he has an obligation to use his gift wisely. With great power comes great responsibility. They could do a cross-section of his brain to find out more. But I don't think it's true, though.
Michael: Look, if anything goes missing, we will reimburse.
Darryl: Yeah. Can Dunder Mifflin afford that?
Michael: Dang! Paper making paper, I.e. money.
Darryl: What?
Michael: Paper money. [clears throat] Yeah. The company's doing fine.
Darryl: Mike, we're not shipping as much as we did last year.
Michael: Hey. Okay. You know what? Don't even think. I command you to just go down and have fun tonight. All right? Don't think about it.
Michael: Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn't hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that's really more than half the battle.
Pam: It is extremely stressful, planning a wedding by yourself. It's like a job. I mean, it's fun, but it kind of becomes like work. I've already planned it all out in my head. But it's just in my head.
Meredith's Vet: Hey. Meredith, right?
Meredith: Oh, God. Oh, no. I have this problem all the time. I never remember people I've had sex with.
Meredith's Vet: I'm your vet.
Meredith: Oh, right.
Meredith's Vet: And we had sex in the parking lot.