Michael: [breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing]
Jim: This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left.
Michael: [over PA] This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. [snickering] I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. [wheezing laughing, starts coughing] Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.
Jim: [disgusted groan]
Michael: Could I stick it with a pin?
Pam: Ugh.
Michael: [still talking over PA] Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets [Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket] because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.
Jim: [sighs and knocks on Michaels door]
Michael: You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.
Jim: That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh...
Michael: What?
Jim: What the heck? Is that, uh... [bends down, cuts phone cords with scissors]
Michael: You find it?
Jim: I didn't, I'll look somewhere else.
Michael: All right.
Jim: All right.
Michael: Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
Michael: [knocks on Pam's hotel door] Hello, good morning.
Pam: Good morning.
Michael: You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles.
Michael: Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. [laughs] No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. [looks at Pam] Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Pam: He brought a sled.
Michael: No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.
Pam: Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks.
Michael: Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! [gets in backseat] Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.
Pam: Separate rooms.
Michael: Well that goes without saying.
Pam: I'm going to say it anyway.
Michael: Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...
Pam: This is a new cardigan.
Michael: ...kind of [retches] Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
Pam: No.
Michael: No. Oh, all right.
Jim: [front door slams, Kelly walks by] Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Screw you.
Dwight: Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.
Kelly: Oh yeah? Screw you too.
Jim: Whoa! What was that all about.
Phyllis: You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.
Jim: [Jim and Dwight sitting next to each other in talking head interview] Go ahead.
Dwight: Go ahead, you do it.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: I insist.
Jim: Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama.
Dwight: What he said was... [puts finger toward Jim's face]
Jim: [pushes Dwight's finger away] Just, easy.
Dwight: ...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Jim: Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
Dwight: [at the same time as Jim] I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. [shoves Jim's arm away] That's on my side.
Jim: So this is fun.
Kelly: My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.
Pam: Can I turn on the radio?
Michael: No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Pam: But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Michael: Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
Pam: That's dangerous.
Michael: Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.
Pam: That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head.
Michael: You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...
Pam: No, that was a long time ago.
Michael: Is that why your wearing makeup today?
Pam: No, I'm not even wearing that much.
Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so...
Julia: Oh, this is a nice office.
Stanley: [laughs] You don't have to lie. Through here.
Andy: Um Phyllis, who's that?
Phyllis: She's out of your league Andy.
Andy: For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.
Phyllis: Sexually?
Andy: This conversation is over.
Andy: I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.
Jim: We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Kelly: Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
Dwight: If you say screw you one more time...
Kelly: Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.
Dwight: Hey, HEY.
Jim: [while Dwight and Kelly are arguing] Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?
Kelly: I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
Dwight: Oh God.
Jim: Okay.
Kelly: In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it.
Dwight: What kind of cake do you want imbecile.
Kelly: Ice Cream.
Pam: [taking Michael's picture] Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Hello, Rolando, how are you?
Rolando: Hi.
Michael: Rolando, [clears throat] I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.
Rolando: [sarcastically chuckles] Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over.
Michael: Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.
Pam: Stop it, please.
Michael: That's what I do, steal my trick.
Pam: Please cut it out.
Karen: Hey. Hi, guys.
Michael: [notices Karen's pregnant] Oh my God. Is that Jim's?
Karen: What!
Pam: Michael!
Karen: Of course not!
Michael: Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Karen: Let's just get this over with, shall we?
Michael: Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?
Jim: [partially blown up balloons on table and hanging from streamers] Are you kidding?
Dwight: Well, I'm not done yet.
Jim: Dwight. This, [picks up balloon] fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight: They match the carpet
Jim: What is that? [looks at sign that says 'IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.'] It is your birthday period.
Dwight: It's a statement of fact.
Jim: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Jim: Okay, good then.
Dwight: Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim: I am working on it.
Dwight: How much do you have?
Jim: Six dollars.
Dwight: [yelling] That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!
Jim: I said I was working on it.
Dwight: [sighs]
Andy: [looking into Julia's car] Trying to see what CD's she got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Eh, Aha! Fiest. Yes! [bangs on car and alarm goes off] Whoa! Aah, Aah! [backs up and runs into another car starting another alarm]
Michael: [on cell phone] NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... [hangs up phone, sighs] This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. [Karen raises her hand] Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?
Karen: Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?
Michael: I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
Karen: But now we think you're a liar.
Michael: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? [Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone]
Michael: I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. [starts singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.
Michael: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. 'M' your name is Mark.
Mark: Yes.
Michael: Got it. It works.
Karen: Uh, it's very insulting.
Michael: But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?
Mark: But we already know each other's names.
Michael: Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.
Karen: Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over.
Michael: Oh, I still have more.
Karen: Can I please see you in my office, please?
Michael: She is pregnant. She is knocked up. 'K' Karen. Pam, let's go.
Julia: I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget.
Andy: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? [starts singing to the tune of Feist's 1234] One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather...
Stanley: Four Splenda. Are you crazy?
Andy: Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes.
Stanley: Are you out of your damn mind?
Andy: Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her.
Stanley: We're not friends. I didn't think about it.
Andy: We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down.
Stanley: You really like her, huh?
Andy: Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.
Stanley: [thinks for a moment] Give me two clients for her.
Michael: I grab this [grabs a chain saw], and I turn it on and I say, 'Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre.'
Karen: No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.
Michael: No, don't worry, the chain is off.
Pam: No it's not.
Karen: You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team.
Michael: Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.
Pam: So when are you due?
Karen: Uh, in about a month.
Pam: Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations.
Karen: Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
Michael: It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?
Karen: Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.
Michael: Oh, great.
Karen: His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky.
Pam: Oh, he's cute.
Karen: Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that?
Pam: What is happening there? [points at picture]
Karen: Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.
Pam: It's really sweet.
Michael: No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.
Karen: So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?
Pam: Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged.
Karen: That's so great. That's great.
Pam: Thank you.
Karen: Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you. [hugs pam]
Michael: Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.
Stanley: I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother.
Andy: So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or?
Julia: No, it could go straight to our business address.
Andy: Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or?
Julia: Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend.
Andy: [stammers] Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird.
Andy: Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking.
Oscar: [quietly] Oh, my desk is over... [quickly walks away]
Creed: This gal, she's really into you?
Andy: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up.
Creed: All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy: Okay, it sounds risky.
Creed: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy: Wait, what?
Michael: I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.
Pam: I like her.
Michael: Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.
Pam: I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came.
Michael: Why?
Pam: Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good.
Julia: Thanks for walking me out.
Andy: Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so...
Julia: You must be freezing.
Andy: I am about to die. [laughs] Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?
Julia: Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.
Andy: Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.
Julia: What's a 'Nard-Dog'?
Andy: [points to self] This is the Nard-Dog.
Julia: [Andy leans in to kiss her] Whoa. What the hell?
Andy: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.
Julia: I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard.
Andy: Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around?
Julia: No, I, I don't think so.
Andy: Sure, yeah that's... your right. It's too soon for... definitely too soon for me. So I'm glad we go that out of the way. I'm gonna be in touch with you. In three months. I'm gonna call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk.
Julia: [chuckles] Okay.
Andy: Take care Julia.
Julia: Thank you.
Andy: [as Julia is pulling out] Sorry I tried to kiss y...
Andy: We lost the account.
Dwight: [struggling to blow up a balloon as his desk phone rings] Damn it! [answers phone] Dwight Schrute.
Jim: [over the phone] How old's Kelly?
Dwight: Who is this?
Jim: It's Mose. Who do you think it is?
Dwight: Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you.
Jim: Look, I'm at the supermarket, and they only have numbered candles. How old is she?
Dwight: Uh, 24. 37.
Jim: Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?
Dwight: [sighs] I'll call you back. [goes to a filling cabinet takes out a file and looks around]
Dwight: I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. [opens file] 'Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center.' Juvie. 'According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor...' Blah, Blah, Blah. [closes file]
Pam: Are you asleep?
Michael: No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?
Pam: No, remind me.
Michael: Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.
Pam: Perfect boobs, [gives a look at the camera] of course I remember Holly.
Michael: She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.
Pam: Okay, lets go.
Michael: [scoofs] I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
Pam: Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this.
Michael: [chuckles] Okay.
Jim: [leaning against Creed's desk] So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kelly's party.
Creed: I'd like to contribute.
Jim: Oh, great.
Creed: [opens wallet and hands Jim a single bill] There you go.
Jim: [looks at a three dollar bill]


Michael: I am on a lecture circuit. I'm goin' around to all the branches, and I'm telling them my secret recipe for success.
Michael: I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy.
Michael: [holding a chainsaw] And I turn it on and I say 'Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.'
Karen: How's Jim?
Pam: We're engaged.
Karen: Oh my God, I'm so happy for you!
Pam: Oh, wow, thank you!
Michael: You remember Holly? She used to work for HR? She's the love of my life. She just left... and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.
Pam: ... Okay, let's go.
Oscar: [Kevin is holding two ice cream treats] Two?
Kevin: I didn't eat lunch. [Oscar gives Kevin a look] I didn't eat all my lunch.
Angela: [enters smiling and waving] Hello, everyone. Oh, ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good.
Kevin: It... yeah.
Oscar: Angela, you're more chipper than usual.
Angela: I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. [takes a breath, excitedly] She's hypoallergenic. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. She's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in 'Meet the Parents.' Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.
Meredith: How much?
Angela: Seven thousand dollars.
Creed: For a cat? I could get you a kid for that.
Oscar: Where'd you get that kind of money?
Angela: I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay.
Kevin: Wait, you didn't give it back?
Angela: He wouldn't have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady!
Meredith: Seven grand?
Angela: Mm-hmm.
Meredith: I gotta see that little bitch.
Angela: I have something better than a picture. Come on.
Oscar: You have your cats on Nanny-Cam?
Angela: Yeah. [cats meowing] I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat, but I'm out of vacation days. And this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity. I mean, when somebody has a kid, oh sure, take off a year.
Meredith: She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.
Angela: Right. Anyways... I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone.
Kevin: Any cat, you mean.
Angela: And person.
Pam: So, detour. We're now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don't think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! [laughs] [whispers] I've been driving too long.
Dwight: [shouts from another room] What did you do?
Kelly: Stop yelling at me!
Dwight: What did you do?
Kelly: I didn't do anything!
Dwight: What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm?
Jim: Hey! What the hell's goin' on?
Dwight: Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.
Kelly: I was kickin' it.
Dwight: In juvie.
Jim: What?
Dwight: Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!
Jim: Yep.
Dwight: For reha-
Jim: Got it.
Dwight: What did you do? Huh?
Jim: Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy.
Dwight: Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. [to Kelly] What did you do?
Kelly: My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!
Dwight: I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
Jim: Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.
Kelly: You did? I wanna see the cake.
Jim: And... ta da.
Kelly: I hate it.
Jim: How do you hate it? It's a cake.
Kelly: Well, there's no flowers... or toys... or- I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn't have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly!
Jim: Right.
Jim: I forgot if there was an 'e' between the 'l' and the 'y.' I still don't know.
Kelly: I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?!
Jim: Birthday.
Dwight: Frosting.
Kelly: Those aren't... themes. There's always a theme. [walks out]
Phyllis: There's always a theme.
Dwight: Nice job on the cake, Bozo!
Jim: Okay, you know what, next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl.
Pam: [taking Michael's picture] Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah.
Michael: Do I look okay?
Pam: You look good.
Michael: Hi.
Receptionist: Hi, can I help you?
Michael: Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch.
Receptionist: Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat.
Michael: Thank you. ... Um... is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here?
Receptionist: Actually, she's on an HR retreat for the next three days.
Michael: Oh- She's not here?
Receptionist: But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He's a salesman here.
Michael: A.J.
Receptionist: Yeah, he's her boyfriend. He's just over there.
Michael: She has a boyfriend.
Pam: I'm so sorry, Michael.
Michael: How could she do this to me, Pam?
Pam: She's not doing it to hurt you.
Michael: I can't do the presentation, I can't- [voice cracks] ... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face]
Pam: Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but-
Michael: I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay? [exhales]
Pam: You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.
Michael: And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.
Pam: Yeah, maybe.
Michael: [laughs]
Pam: Maybe. One step at a time.
Michael: [sighs]
Pam: You can do this.
Michael: I can do this.
Oscar: It could be snacks, or-
Kevin: Why would we- [cats meowing from Angela's computer, sounds like crying]
Oscar: Wha-
Kevin: Is that what I think it is? [Kevin and Oscar get up and go to Angela's computer]
Oscar: Good God!
Kevin: [gasps]
Oscar: [laughs]
Angela: [gasps]
Kevin: That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady!
Angela: No!
Meredith: Awesome!
Angela: Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat! That is very bad! You stop it right now! I swear, he is fixed.
Meredith: Yeah, I know fixed; that ain't fixed.
Kevin: No way.
Angela: No, now listen. You can't let what you see here, sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats. [all laugh] I gotta go. I'll be back in an hour. Oh, stop that! Oh!
Kevin: Oh, the other one's watching.
Jim: Okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake.
Dwight: Busy!
Jim: Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about?
Dwight: Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face.
Jim: You know what? I could use a little help.
Dwight: You know what? I'm a little busy.
Jim: We have a lot to do, and you are... putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you've been doing, is making a sign?
Dwight: It's not effeminate. It's festive.
Jim: You've been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party's now at 3!
Stanley: I know, I just read it on the sign.
Michael: Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... about paper' and get them to 'Show us the money!' Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let's see the salesmen. [some raise their hands] Oh, okay. Well I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you're a salesman. What's, uh, what's your name?
A.J.: A.J.
Michael: A.J. What kind of name is A.J.?
A.J.: [laughs]
Michael: What do you race cars?
A.J.: [laughs] I'm a salesman. That's why I raised my hand.
Michael: Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You're funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date?
A.J.: Yeah. Why, are you interested? [all laugh]
Woman: I have a question about discounts from distributors.
Michael: Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you're dating somebody? Um... is it serious?
A.J.: It's pretty serious, yes.
Michael: Huh- [pauses] Does she ever talk about me? [voice cracking]
Pam: Oh, God.
A.J.: Excuse me?
Man: What does this have to do with sales?
Michael: It's all connected. Shut up. [to A.J.] Does she ever mention 'Michael Scott?'
A.J.: No, what are you talking about?
Michael: [sighs loudly] Does it feel good?
A.J.: Does what feel good?
Michael: [grunts] Your life. [sits down, upset] Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let's just- We'll just continue. [sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset] Oh, wow. [takes deep breath] Ooh, okay.
Pam: Michael, get off the floor!
Michael: Yeah, yeah... uh, I can't do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards.
Pam: [whispering] No, no, no, you have to do it-
Michael: No, no, I'm okay. I'm all right. [sighs heavily] Okay... okay.
Pam: That was weird, huh? It's all part of the presentation. It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs. [pauses] I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation. [reading from the cards, in Forrest Gump voice] Sales is like a box a chocolates, you never know which vendor you're gonna get. Forrest Gump.
Pam: [pointing to staff members] Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly's boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorize names. I have a chainsaw! [holds up chainsaw, makes a wimpy chain saw noise] Cutting down the competition.
Angela: [cats meowing in background][on Nanny-Cam] Where is that bad cat? Oh, you know who you are. Excuse me, Petals, I'm looking for Mr. Ash. He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat. Do you hear me? Bad. Yeah, you were bad. No, you look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? You look at me. 'Cause I'm talking to you right now.
Oscar: [chuckles]
Kevin: [snickers]
Angela: [meows like a cat, then hisses]
Kevin: This is getting weird.
Oscar: Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue? [Angela licks cat, meows]
Kevin: Ohhh...
Michael: [sighs, touches Holly's sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly's computer named 'Dear Michael,' plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer]
Angela: [shivers] [meowing noises] Has this been on the entire time?
Oscar: I have no idea.
Kevin: I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.
Angela: [sigh of relief] Well, sorry I'm late. [clears throat, coughs, pulls hairball out of her mouth]
Oscar: I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat, are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.
Pam: [loading up car with Michael] Don't look up. Don't look up. [sighs as office workers all looking from window]
Michael: Want some pie?
Pam: No.
Michael: I went through Holly's things.
Pam: What?
Michael: I stole a sleeve of her sweater.
Pam: Oh, Michael...
Michael: I also stole something off of her computer. A document called 'Dear Michael.'
Pam: You did what?
Michael: I shouldn't have done it. It just- I couldn't help it.
Pam: She never sent it to you?
Michael: No, sh- she didn't. I'm gonna read it.
Pam: No.
Michael: Yes.
Pam: No, under no circumstances can you read that letter. It's a violation of her trust.
Michael: How?
Pam: Because, she didn't send it to you!
Michael: I know, I know. You're right, you're right.
Pam: I could read it.
Michael: No, that wouldn't-
Pam: Yeah, I could read it.
Michael: No, you don't have to do that.
Pam: Go get your laptop.
Michael: Okay. [leaves to get laptop]
Pam: [to camera] What? I'm not in love with her.
Dwight: [blowing up balloon, breathes loudly] You have to write my suggestions down, too.
Jim: I'm not writing, 'Horse Hunt.' I don't even know what that means.
Dwight: It's in the name.
Jim: [grunts] Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting.
Dwight: You're right, forget horse hunting. It's stupid.
Jim: Look, is there a birthday you remember that you loved?
Dwight: Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord. [pretends to bite]
Jim: Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count. So give me another one.
Dwight: Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. [rolls eyes] What about you?
Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my Dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
Dwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim: [to camera] Didn't see that one coming.
Pam: [closes laptop] It's deleted.
Michael: Well?
Pam: She still has feelings for you.
Michael: She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?
Pam: I can't tell you specifically, but... it's not over.
Michael: You're sure?
Pam: [nods and smiles]
Michael: [smiles, sighs, chuckles] Okay.
Kelly: [enters conference room]
All: Happy Birthday!
Meredith: Surprise!
Dwight: Hey, it's not a surprise.
Jim: Not a surprise.
Kelly: This doesn't look good.
Jim: What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake, with your name spelled correctly?
Kelly: [shakes her head no]
Dwight: Told you.
Jim: You haven't heard our theme, though.
Kelly: You don't hear a theme, you see it... why is there a chicklet on my cake?
Jim: That's the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television.
Dwight: Our theme, if you will.
Jim: Because the fun part is, you get to decide on an hour of television, or an hour of napping.
Dwight: That's our theme.
Kelly: Cool.
Jim: Yeah?
Kelly: I love it.
Dwight: [high-fives Jim] Oh, yes! Okay, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?
Kevin: Ooh- can she pick a half hour of each?
Dwight: No.
Jim: No.
Kevin: Oh, then pick TV.
Meredith: Take a nap!
Oscar: TV.
Kevin: No, watching TV at work is really cool.
Stanley: Take a nap, nothing good is on TV right now.
Creed: Bonnie Hunt is on.
Kelly: You know what, I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap.
Jim: All right.
Dwight: Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let's go.
Meredith: Surprise.
Dwight: Move it! Let's go, go, go, go, go. I got this.
Jim: Ahem. This is for you... and [puts blanket around her shoulders] ...Happy Birthday, Kel.
Kelly: [giggles] Thank you.
Dwight: [turns off lights] Okay, you've got one hour. [shuts door]
Kelly: I'm too excited to sleep.
Dwight: Mm, great cake.
Jim: Thanks. [both eat cake]
Dwight: [opens door to wake Kelly, bangs together two trash can covers loudly] Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. [slaps Kelly's butt] Many happy returns. [slams door]
Michael: I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something.
Pam: No, we don't need to do that.
Michael: Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him!
Pam: You mean Tony?
Michael: Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony!
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Man, was he fat. So, so... fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty.
Angela: As you may know, I am no longer in a relationships. It's been really stressful here. So, I decided to treat myself to one of God's most perfect creations...a beautiful new cat! It's tacky to talk about money. But she cost seven thousand dollars!
Kevin: [holds up cell phone showing video of Angela talking to her cats] For a rainy day. [laughs]


Phone Salesman: Hi.
Pam: Good morning, can I help you?
Phone Salesman: Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.
Pam: I'm sorry, he's not in right now.
Phone Salesman: Really? He's never around when I come by.
Pam: Shoot.
Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [realizing] Vending machine.
Phone Salesman: How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here.
Pam: That is a great idea.
Phone Salesman: Great.
Pam: [while leafing through Michael's appointment book and seeing nothing but free time] Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really...
Jim: [approaching Reception] Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?
Pam: There he is!
Phone Salesman: Oh, hi! Great.
Jim: Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours.
Michael: [coming out from his office] Hello, may I help you?
Jim: Jimbo!
Michael: ...Jim.
Jim: [impersonating Fonzie] Ayyyy!
Michael: Ayyyy!
Pam: Ayyyy!
Michael: Ayyyy!
Jim: Ayyyy!
Dwight: [running from his desk] Ayyyy!
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight: Ayyyy!
Phone Salesman: Ok. I'm, uh, I'll be going.
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight: Ayyyy!
Michael: [laughing] What was that?
Pam: That was funny.
Michael: That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!
Michael: Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud?
Kevin: I miss Stacy.
Michael: Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting...
Kevin: I can't even imagine.
Pam: This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances.
Jim: You're only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but.
Pam: Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?
Jim: Yeah. [Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away] She's fine.
Kelly: So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope] Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.
Michael: Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. [Michael takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side] They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall. [Kevin groans]
Michael: Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.
Michael: Pam, really, they're back?
Pam: I can't see them when they're on the floor
Jim: They're for her to look at, Michael.
Michael: Can I have a word with you, Jim?
Jim: Yes, let's have a word.
Michael: Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry.
Michael: Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Jim: I understand that.
Dwight: So sexy it becomes hostile.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.
Michael: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest-
Jim: We do.
Michael: -that none of us can be a part of-
Pam: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael: [gesturing Pam to be quiet] -then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party.
Jim: That sounds fun.
Michael: So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
Dwight: Yeah, deal with it Pam!
Michael: So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.
Dwight: Having trouble finding a vein?
Blood Drive Worker: Yup, a little.
Dwight: How about now? [Dwight untenses his arm]
Dwight: I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. [pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat]
Michael: I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that -
Blood Drive Worker: You're gonna need to lie down right over here.
Michael: Okay. Hello.
Blood Girl: Hi, I cant talk right now. I'm sorry.
Michael: Oh, OK.
Blood Girl: Whew, I'm really nervous.
Michael: Yeah, me too.
Blood Girl: Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up.
Michael: Oh, well, that's fine.
Blood Girl: Whew, it's better for me just to be quiet, yeah.
Michael: Yeah, can I point something out to you?
Blood Girl: Sure.
Michael: You're actually talking a lot.
Blood Girl: Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous.
Michael: Okay, here we go.
Blood Drive Worker: Alright, here we go.
Michael: Oh, God. [Michael clears his throat]
Blood Drive Worker: Just relax.
Michael: Yup, I'm good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. [Blood Girl laughs] Hawaiian blood punch.
Blood Girl: Oh, that's gross.
Michael: Type O-Ocean Spray.
Blood Girl: God, stop. Stop it.
Phyllis: Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. [whispering] Michael is terrified of bob.
Pam: What do you think?
Jim: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves.
Pam: We're in.
Michael: Yick.
Blood Girl: What?
Michael: I looked at the bag.
Blood Girl: Ew.
Michael: I looked straight at the bag.
Blood Girl: That's not good.
Michael: Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them?
Blood Girl: Well, ok... bags! [Michael is taken aback] Alright, that was bad.
Michael: That was mean.
Blood Girl: Um, a hat.
Michael: A hat.
Blood Girl: A hat with no blood in it?
Michael: That is full of soup.
Blood Girl: You're cute.
Michael: What?
Blood Drive Worker: You're done.
Michael: Oh, already.
Blood Girl: Ah, we did it!
Michael: Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out]
Blood Girl: Is he OK?
Michael: [ccming to] Oh my God, how long was I out? [Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank]
Hank: What?
Michael: Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?
Blood Drive Worker: Oh. She left.
Michael: OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove.
Blood Drive Worker: I'm sorry sir we can't give out that information. [Michael sighs]
Meredith: [seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half] What are you doing?
Kelly: Decorating.
Meredith: I'll help. [Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid] Now it's just a stupid baby.
Kelly: Yeah, thanks.
Phyllis: It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Pam: Anything to get out of that office.
Phyllis: I know
Bob: I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
Phyllis: He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Jim: Oh yeah, I understood.
Michael: Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Kelly: Well, his heart was in the right place.
Michael: Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. [Kelly looks hurt] Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar.
Oscar: I don't think so.
Michael: Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest.
Oscar: I can't.
Michael: If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else?
Bob: Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. [Bob does so]
Jim: No way, a 280?
Pam: Wow, that's impressive.
Phyllis: Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Jim: Yikes.
Phyllis: Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. [Bob does so reluctantly]
Jim: No. Bob, no. No!
Pam: What?
Bob: One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you?
Phyllis: Yes I do.
Pam: Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
Jim: That is a lie, that is a lie.
Pam: Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
Jim: But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Pam: No, you just have little dainty fingers.
Bob: Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry.
Jim: Nobody asked, Bob!
Oscar: Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Angela: Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but...
Oscar: I was stupid, I told him.
Kevin: Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Michael: Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.
Oscar: He told me he wasn't gay. [everyone groans]
Michael: Really sad.
Oscar: I'm not done yet.
Michael: Oh my God.
Kevin: A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says 'I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City.' [everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised]
Michael: Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!
Angela: My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
Oscar: Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.
Angela: No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Oscar: Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?
Angela: I guess I have. Huh.
Michael: Alright who's next? Where's Andy?
Oscar: He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael: What?
Oscar: He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage.
Kevin: My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said 'Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!' and she said that we're done.
Michael: You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this.
Dwight: You're right. OK everyone, back to work.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
Dwight: A net? a giant net?
Michael: No. Not a giant net.
Dwight: What do you have in mind?
Michael: I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Dwight: Oh God, that's a terrible idea.
Michael: Old fashioned meet market -
Dwight: No.
Michael: - I don't think it is.
Dwight: Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.
Michael: These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say 'I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow.' Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.
Michael: Hey.
Dwight: Hey. No movement.
Michael: Ah, still early.
Dwight: Eh, its not that early.
Michael: [sighs] So how you holding up?
Dwight: I'm ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
Michael: No. No, I meant about being single today.
Dwight: Oh. Meh.
Michael: Meh, exactly. Eh.
Dwight: Eh.
Michael: Oh, here we go.
Dwight: Hello.
Michael: Hello. [two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead]
Dwight: Dwight K. Schrute. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? [Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde] Hi, Dwight.
Michael: Babe alert! [to the redhead] Hello, I'm Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig.
Lynn: Oh, hi! I'm Lynn.
Michael: Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self.
Kevin: Hello.
Lynn: Hi.
Michael: [after a short pause] So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. [after another pause] Where you from?
Kevin: I'm from here!
Michael: Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better.
Kevin: Thank you, Michael.
Dwight: I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.
Blonde: I- I- believe you.
Dwight: You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today.
Blonde: Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses.
Dwight: You must use a lot of paper.
Blonde: Oh God tons of it .
Pam: What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?
Jim: I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat.
Pam: Oh, damn. [Pam looks down at her salad] They've been in there for like ten minutes.
Jim: Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.
Pam: Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries.
Jim: We should help him out. [Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom]
Kevin: At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It's really cool.
Lynn: That does sound cool.
Kevin: I used to go there with my fiance [Lynn is taken aback]. Before she left me [Lynn shows pity]. No, I mean, before I left her [Lynn looks confused]. She left me. [Kevin walks away dejected]
Kevin: I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast.
Michael: So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.
Eric: I am.
Michael: Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair. Alright, I'll let you guys talk.
Michael: It's going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. [Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door] Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so [looking at his watch] it's not too late.
Dwight: ...and the kind of discounts we're talking about are not... hold on - Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door?
Michael: No reason.
Dwight: Is somebody after you?
Oscar: Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?
Dwight: Hey, it just takes one!
Michael: Nobody's after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.
Kelly: You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.
Michael: It's not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.
Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up.
Oscar: It's possible.
Kelly: She could be.
Michael: Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched.
Kelly: Aww. [Michael grins sheepishly]
Jim: Here they come.
Pam: [looking up from her pilfering of Bob's food] What?
Jim: No, just kidding. Seriously though, that's enough.
Pam: Well, you should cover it with the broccoli.
Jim: Oh great, I have to cover?
Pam: Do you think they dined and dashed?
Jim: Well they didn't dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed.
Pam: I thought we were having a nice time.
Jim: We were.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [emerging from the Men's room] Empty.
Pam: [exiting the Ladies' room] Mine too. [Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate]
Jim: Oh boy.
Pam: My God.
Jim: OK.
Girl: Is this the party? [everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl]
Michael: Nah. [everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.
Bob: OK then.
Jim: So...
Bob: Where were we?
Phyllis: [out of breath] Bowling.
Pam: Yep, that, yeah.
Bob: You didn't eat much there Jimbo.
Jim: Oh initially I did.
Bob: Want some meat?
Phyllis: Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though.
Bob: Forgot.
Phyllis: Yeah, thank you. [As Phyllis enjoys Bob's meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera]
Kevin: Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.
Lynn: That's really sweaty.
Kevin: Are you on email?
Lynn: Oh, yeah. [gives Kevin her card]
Kevin: Cool. Bye.
Lynn: Bye, Kevin.
Kevin: Good Valentine's.
Dwight: So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you.
Blonde: OK. [Blonde stands up to leave]
Dwight: OK, what's up?
Blonde: Look, I'm gonna go...
Dwight: Oh-oh-oh before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign-
Blonde: Look, we already have a paper supplier.
Dwight: OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!
Michael: Hey, you don't deserve her.
Dwight: Thanks, Michael.
Michael: Hey, if anybody wants to go...
Oscar: We can stay a little longer.
Michael: Really? [everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake] Oh, thanks.
Kelly: Michael, it's time.
Michael: You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I'm gonna soldier on a little bit.
Oscar: Come on, we'll all go.
Michael: [after some encouragement] OK.
Michael: Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.
Stanley: Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy.
Blood Drive Worker: Of course. [noticing Stanley's arm] That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Band-Aids.
Stanley: [backing out of the bloodmobile] I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just [to Phyllis] Band-Aids.
Phyllis: Damn.


Pam: [on the phone] Yeah, that's no problem.
Michael: Pam?
Pam: [on the phone] Sure. Uh huh.
Michael: Pam? Knock, knock.
Pam: I'm on the phone.
Michael: I know you are. Knock, knock.
Pam: [on the phone] You can fax it over. Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5-0-1-
Michael: [at same time as Pam] 4-9-1-7-4-5-1
Pam: 0-1-7-5. Thank you. Bye, bye. [to Michael] It really makes us look unprofessional.
Michael: They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go, Knock, knock. [Dwight walks over]
Pam: [sighs] Who's there?
Michael: Buddha.
Pam: Buddha who?
Michael: [puts a slice of bread and stick of butter on Pam's desk] Buddha this bread for me, won't you? [Michael and Dwight laugh]
Pam: Great.
Michael: I, I need something to wipe my hand.
Pam: Now there's, there's butter on my desk.
Michael: That was helping. It was classic.
Dwight: I got a knock-knock joke.
Michael: No... God.
Dwight: OK, Michael, please, please, please, please, please let me.
Michael: Alright.
Dwight: [clears throat] Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: KGB.
Michael: KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael on the face]
Dwight: [in Russian accent] We will ask the questions!
Michael: What the hell was that? [Michael starts to fight with Dwight]
Dwight: What are you doing?
Michael: What are you doing?
Dwight: Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Michael: You, you like that?
Dwight: C'mon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke.
Michael: Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it.
Jim: Ding Dong.
Michael: [to Jim] Who's there?
Jim: KGB.
Michael: Dwight, get the door.
Dwight: I'm not answering it.
Michael: Answer the door.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight: No way, it's the KGB.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight: I'm not answering that. You answer it.
Michael: I'm not gonna answer it
Dwight: I'm not gonna answer it, it's the KGB. [Jim slaps Dwight]
Jim: The KGB will wait for no one! [Michael laughs]
Dwight: It's true.
Pam: [Michael walks in dressed as Willy Wonka] Good morning, Michael.
Michael: Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonkaaaaa.
Pam: Good morning, Mr. Wonka, here are your messages.
Michael: Why thank you very much. [notices jelly beans] Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please!
Pam: Jelly beans.
Michael: No, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans!
Michael: The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy.
Michael: I've written these things because it is my responsibility, as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine. [Jim raises hand] Umm hmm.
Jim: We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends -
Michael: Too many words. Good ideas are simple. 'Golden ticket.'
Jim: Free paper.'
Michael: No. Jim. We're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon.
Andy: Golden Girls. That's a golden ticket idea, right, I mean how great was that show? Golden Grahams. Another, is it - I don't get this...
Michael: No, you don't. No, it - [sighs] What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas? Right?
Kevin: I think I should call her.
Andy: No! No! No!
Kevin: Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today?
Andy: [sighs] You're making it too easy for her. You're just conveying, 'Oh I like you just the way you are.'
Kevin: But I do like her just the way she is.
Andy: Well that's not what we agreed on.
Jim: What are you doing?
Andy: Huh?
Jim: [to Kevin] Why don't you just go out on a date with her? Try to spark up an on going joke and then in a month or two, if it feels right, you'll know.
Andy: No.
Pam: You don't have to wait that long. I mean, you don't have to wait a month to ask her out. Just ask her out.
Andy: You're asking him to give up all of his power.
Jim: What power?
Kevin: Andy, Pam, and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like, Lynn. I, I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker.
Andy: You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'
Pam: That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?
Jim: Well guys with girlfriends don't.
Andy: That's low, Tuna.
Jim: [on phone] Hey, Tom. What's that? Oh, you found a golden ticket. [puts hand on receiver and speaks to office] One of my clients found a golden ticket. [Michael screams in excitement] [Jim back on phone] Yup. No, congratulations. [Michael dances in background]
Michael: Woo hoo.
Jim: [on phone] I'll take that down right now.
Michael: Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips...
Jim: I'm on the phone.
Michael: ...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?
Jim: [on phone] Hold on one second.
Michael: Invite them on the tour.
Jim: [to Michael] It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania.
Michael: Really? That's kind of a big client. [gets up and heads toward Oscar] Hey, Oscar. Woo hoo hoo. Um, how much of a hit is ten percent of our Blue Cross account?
Oscar: Ten percent?
Michael: Yeah?
Oscar: They're our largest client.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: It's gonna hurt.
Jim: [on phone] Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec, Tom, what's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say limit one per customer? Nope, it doesn't.
Jim: How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments?
Michael: I thought I did. So...
Jim: OK...
Michael: Well no harm no foul.
Jim: ...well I'm going to call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales.
Michael: You didn't, but... it'll be fine. It'll be good.
Michael: Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.
Darryl: Start over.
Michael: Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Darryl: Were the boxes near each other?
Michael: Irrelevant.
Darryl: I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Michael: OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?
Michael: My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea. [sighs] That... [sighs]
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi ,David. [Michael shakes his head to Pam] No, I'm sorry he's not back from the Civil Rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.
Pam: When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. 'Stopping a fight in the parking lot. ' 'An Obama fashion show. ' Whatever... that is. Or 'trapped in an oil painting.' I'm gonna save that one.
Michael: Nobody panic. The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right?
Oscar: They can.
Michael: No, they can't.
Oscar: Yes, they can.
Michael: Oscar, you don't know what the hell you are talking about.
Oscar: Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?
Michael: Alright, then we're screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so -
Jim: So, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed too.
Michael: Thank you, Jim is with me.
Jim: Absolutely not, I'm mad at you.
Michael: Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Creed: That's not why.
Michael: OK, we need a gold ticket idea to get us out of this mess. [Pam raises hand] Yes.
Pam: Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later? [Pam's phone rings]
Jim: Good one.
Michael: OK, don't get that. Please? [Pam gets up to answer her phone]
Stanley: I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?
Michael: That is not constructive.
Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. Alright, I'll find out if he's out yet.
Michael: [on phone] Hello David. I just got back from my procedure, so-
David: [on speaker phone] Michael, what the hell is going on here?
Michael: How are you doing?
David: Fine. What is going on?
Michael: [reading from computer] My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
David: Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?
Michael: Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don't... I don't know.
David: How could you not know Michael?
Michael: I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
David: Might have hi- OK, what firm?
Michael: You're breaking up.
David: Michael?
Michael: OK, I think, it might have been an inside consultant.
David: Was it the sales department?
Michael: Yes.
David: Was it Jim?
Michael: No.
David: OK, was it Dwight?
Michael: [long pause] Yes.
Michael: [Dwight walks in] Come on in. Good to see ya, have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.
Dwight: That was your idea.
Michael: Woah, wow, who told you that?
Dwight: You did. Several times. Over and over again.
Michael: [same time as Dwight] No, I don't think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight.
Dwight: [same time as Michael] You were dressed as Willy Wonka so...
Michael: I'm not taking... I'm not taking...
Dwight: Wasn't my idea. Loved - but I can't.
Michael: Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary.
Dwight: You don't keep a diary.
Michael: Yes I do. You've just never seen it. [reading from diary] March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.
Dwight: Hold that thought. [Dwight gets up and gets own diary from desk and returns] [flipping through diary] March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year.
Michael: Why do you have a diary?
Dwight: To keep secrets from my computer.
Michael: OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.
Dwight: Impossible.
Michael: Yes, you did.
Dwight: I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetish-ized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... do the math.
Michael: What are you writing? [Dwight writes in diary]
Dwight: Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies.
Michael: Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
Dwight: With all my heart.
Kevin: You guys are throwing a lot at me.
Jim: All I'm saying is that it's a first dates, so just keep a respectful distance.
Kevin: Right.
Pam: I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.
Jim: No, that is what I mean.
Pam: [to Jim] Shush. [to Kevin] Kevin, a playful touch on the arm, or on the back, it can show your interest and it's really romantic.
Kevin: [puts hand on Jim's hand] Like that?
Jim: No, stop it.
Andy: Don't touch her. Don't talk to her. Don't look at her.
Andy: [Jim, Andy and Pam all talking over each other] ...turn into this black and carbon brick-where this barbeque sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.
Michael: We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what you're thinking-
Dwight: OK, what am I thinking right now?
Michael: Umm, nacho chips.
Dwight: No... How skin is the largest organ of the body.
Michael: Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Dwight: Oh, not gonna happen.
Dwight: I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.
Michael: Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly.
Dwight: What about Shoe La La?
Michael: [sighs] It's not ready yet.
Michael: I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house.
Michael: May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.
Oscar: These aren't announcements.
Michael: Yes they are, you just don't care about the information.
Dwight: I love working here and I do not want to leave.
Michael: He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
Dwight: Well...
Michael: I mean, like we were talking about that is why he has come to the conclusion...
Dwight: We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world.
Michael: Right.
Dwight: No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom.
Michael: That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom.
Dwight: Try me.
Michael: That's why you made the decision. That's why you made...
Dwight: I haven't made a decision yet.
Michael: You kind of have.
Dwight: No.
Michael: Yes.
Jim: You cannot take the fall for him.
Dwight: He said he would do the same for me.
Jim: He can do the same for you. Right now. By getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do?
Dwight: I'm gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination.
Jim: There it is.
Michael: [seeing David Wallace come into the office] Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in- what's it gonna be, what are you gonna do? [Dwight runs into Michael's office] What's it gonna be? Are you gonna do this thing for me? Dwight? [David knocks on Michael's door and opens door] Hey David, how are you? Good to see you. Nice surprise. Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation.
David: That's too bad.
Michael: Yes it is, but it had to be done, didn't it?
David: Hopefully, nothing that can't be undone because Dwight I owe you an apology. The head of Blue Cross just called. They were so excited about the golden ticket discount that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider of all office supplies. Congratulations Dwight. [holds out hand for handshake]
Dwight: David... you're welcome. [Dwight and David shake hands and make exclamations]
David: I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I have ever seen at this company and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute? [everyone starts clapping]
David: Alright Dwight. This is huge.
Dwight: That's what she said! [David laughs]
Michael: Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea. How'd you come up with that idea?
Dwight: Inspiration.
Michael: Really? How did- how are you inspired? How did it pop into your head Dwight?
Dwight: [same time as Michael] You never know when it's gonna strike. Just... boom.
Michael: Give me the details of how that happened.
Jim: You, you are taking about Dwight Schrute. The biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
Michael: What?
Jim: And you know what? I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea and for that I apologize.
Dwight: Apology rejected.
Pam: [going up to give Dwight a hug] Thanks for much for helping the company, Dwight.
Dwight: Oh Pam.
Creed: Good work, kid.
Dwight: Thanks old man.
David: This, this is great. OH, OK, look I want to get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York. The should meet you.
Dwight: Yeah.
David: Pam, could you set up a call in there in about 15 minutes, please?
Pam: Sure.
Michael: David? David?
Dwight: [same time as Michael] 'Cause I've got this idea...
Michael: David?
David: Yeah?
Michael: Could I be a part of the meeting also?
David: You probably have too much to do around here. I don't want to uh, take up your time with another meeting.
Jim: Yeah, let's face it. This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only. He's never seen the movie. [David laughs]
Dwight: Alright.
David: [on speakerphone] Hey guys, I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away.
Dwight: OK guys, listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy. Sweet sugary candy from the second it touches my tongue to the moment it's metabolized by my stomach acids, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka.
Man on phone: Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in, is there? [cut to show Michael on the other line] I hear panting.
David: No. No dogs.
Dwight: So I love Willy Wonka. That golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I cam up with that idea [Michael comes into conference room].
Michael: There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Pam: It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Dwight: Pam...
Michael: I can't... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea.
Dwight: That is my idea.
David: [on phone] We are gonna call you back guys. [to Michael] What is going on here?
Michael: OK, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now, it turns out that it's a great idea and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that?
David: No, no.
Dwight: It is my idea.
Michael: Oh how dare you.
Dwight: It is my idea. I'm filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas.
Michael: You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey, did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, circular net, that you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formally known as toilet guard?
Dwight: Horse Boat.
Michael: Oh please.
Dwight: A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!
Michael: Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge...
Dwight: Oh give me a break.
Michael: ...that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas.
Dwight: That's because they're easy!
Michael: They're not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom.
Dwight: [same time as Michael] Women's urinals... uh...
David: [same time as Michael and Dwight] Guys, guys. OK, enough. Please, enough. What, is this true, Dwight? I mean, is this true?
Dwight: Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death.
Michael: Thank You!
David: What, I don't - what do you want me to do now, Michael? What am I supposed to do now?
Michael: Well David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame.
David: OK, uhh... I am going back to New York. Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes.
Pam: OK.
David: I am gone.
Michael: When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And that's what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours.
Dwight: Oh I am. In my own words.
Michael: I want to see it.
Dwight: No.
Michael: I want to see it. [Michael gets up to try to see Dwight's diary]
Dwight: No, Michael.
Michael: Give me... Give me the diary.
Dwight: No! [Michael struggles to take Dwight's diary from his hand]
Lynn: Hi.
Kevin: Lynn, I'm just gonna say to you everything that I am thinking.
Lynn: OK.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: OK.
Kevin: Nice. [Both laugh] Boobs. [Lynn blushes]
Andy: Well, it's uh, his funeral. So... neh!
Dwight: Ding dong.
Jim: Who is it?
Dwight: KGB.
Jim: Alright. I just got out of the shower, I'll be one second.
Dwight: [in accent] When you are done, open the door. ... Hello in there?
Jim: Yeah, I'm late for work, so I have to brush my teeth, it's a whole routine.
Dwight: We have more houses to visit.
Jim: If you want to come back then, that'll be fine.
Dwight: We will come back at... how is [looks at watch] 4:45?
Jim: I get back from work around 6.
Dwight: How about 5:15?
Jim: You can try. That, that might work.
Dwight: Very well, we will come back at 5:15.
Jim: Alright.


Dwight: Michael, since it is your fifteenth anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a fifteen-minute round of applause.
Michael: I like it.
Dwight: Followed by a fifteen minute moment of silence.
Jim: [wearing a tuxedo] I don't know. Is it classy enough?
Dwight: Jim! Enough with the classy, ok?
Jim: I just feel like after fifteen years at this company, bravo by the way, that we should celebrate with a very classy event, a night to remember.
Michael: I think you're right. This party has to have all the excitement, drama and intrigue of my time here.
Jim: And of course, classy.
Michael: And classy, yeah.
Dwight: Michael, you're just agreeing with him because he's wearing a tux. Don't you see what he's doing here?
Jim: Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code. So, this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously.
Dwight: Oh, here's one: a string quartet, playing classy-cal music. [Jim grimaces]
Michael: [watches Jim grimace, copies him] You know, that's good but it's not classy. I-I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership.
Jim: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Mr. Peanut is not classy.
Michael: He is.
Dwight: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
Michael: That's what makes him classy.
Dwight: Ok, how about this? An ice sculpture, shaped like you, covered in chocolate-covered strawberries.
Jim: Oh, Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy. You see, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind.
Dwight: Well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what classy is then.
Jim: Ok, well let's just try this one on for size. And I apologize because it's right off the top of my head: an ice sculpture. Of you. Completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Michael: Strawberries?
Jim: That's inspired.
Dwight: I said that! [storms out, slams door behind him]
Pam: Not classy.
Michael: Not classy at all.
Jim: De class'.
Michael: French. Classy.
Pam: Hi, can I help you?
Charles: Yeah, I'm Charles Miner, here to see Michael Scott.
Pam: Sure. Just one second. Please have a seat.
Michael: [on speakerphone] Yes?
Pam: Michael, there's a Charles Miner here to see you.
Michael: Miner? I hardly know her!... Hello?
Pam: Yeah, are you coming out now?
Michael: Uh-huh. [comes out of office] Well, well, well, who have we here? Ah, it is Prince Charles Miner. [shakes Charles' hand] At your service. Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner and he is the new VP for the Northeast region. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up. [leads round of applause] Here he is.
Charles: I-I was-
Michael: Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight, would you escort our guest in there? C'mon, here we go, don't be shy, don't be shy, you're one of us . [whispers] Dwight, stall him a little, I have to get the fish.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Really wish you would have told me the new boss was coming today.
Michael: What? No, I didn't want to make everybody nervous.
Jim: Nope. I mean, I could have brought a change of clothes, or-
Michael: You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Ok, get the fish.
Dwight: Originally founded in 1866, Scranton quickly became one of Pennsylvania's largest anthracite coal-mining communities.
Michael: Surprise, there is nothing in here. The real surprise is in the conference room. Let's go! [swings arm above head for everyone to come, hits doorframe] Oh! God! Ok, come on, come on!
Dwight: We'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is...
Michael: Surprise! [unveils bagels sitting on table] As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's, for Charles.
Charles: Thank you.
Michael: Took me all night.
Pam: This is what you did last night?
Michael: I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each other's vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides, the last two people to have his job were Jan and Ryan. The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend. So, who knows? I do. [in British cockney accent] It's gonna be mental! It's going to be mental.
Kelly: My god, he's like a black George Clooney.
Angela: Really? I don't see it. I mean, he's ok, he's not unattractive, it's. . .
Jim: Hey, how you doing? Jim Halpert, sales. Just wanted to say, if you need anything, let me know.
Charles: Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
Jim: I didn't think you'd notice. [laughs nervously] Uh, it's funny actually, there's another salesman out here, Dwight Schrute, and he sent out this memo, as he always does, and, uh, it was about professionalism in the workplace. Of course, he singled me out. So I just had to mess with him.
Charles: Uh.
Jim: Oh, you'd understand if you read the memo which I should probably get you, there's probably one in a drawer... uh. It was pretty crazy. But, uh, not more crazy than wearing a tux, at work, I grant you that... so, uh.
Charles: Your name is Jim?
Jim: Jim Halpert, yep. So, um, just going to let you get back to it... [being pulled away by Pam]
Pam: He just had to wear his tux today.
Jim: I thought it'd be funny.
Pam: Took him 40 minutes to get ready.
Michael: All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department.
Charles: Hey, I come from accounting, too.
Michael: Oh, nerd alert!
Kevin: Ni-
Michael: This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart. But he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever and I am very proud of him for that.
Charles: Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you.
Michael: This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there, in the orange [points to Andy]
Andy: Hey-o!
Michael: There you go! Where's the other?
Charles: You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Michael: Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sexual history.
Kevin: Hey!
Charles: How about I just say hi to everyone at one time?
Michael: Good. Good, good, good. Everyone, please give it up for Charles Miner. [claps]
Charles: Thank you, Michael. Thank you for the C-shaped bagels.
Michael: Oh! Well...
Charles: That's great.
Michael: Above and beyond.
Charles: Hey, you know we're in tough times and we're not immune to this economy.
Michael: That's true.
Charles: But the goal is to, you know, fight our way through this.
Stanley: [clears throat, raises his hand] Stanley Hudson. Are there gonna be layoffs?
Michael: No. Absolutely not.
Charles: Uh, hold on, Michael, thank you. Uh, Stanley, you know, we can't make any promises, but we'll try everything in our power to avoid that.
Oscar: Do you have specifics?
Charles: Sp-Well, um, Michael should have filled you in last week.
Michael: Well, due to the economy, there is a lot of worry going around. I didn't want to worry people.
Charles: You didn't tell them.
Michael: Well, why don't-
Charles: Yeah, I will. What I told Michael last week-
Michael: Charles is going to tell you.
Charles: Is that we are cutting three percent across the board, which means we will no longer be matching 401k contributions. All overtime requests will need to come through the corporate office.
Stanley: Fantastic.
Michael: Well, it's not official.
Charles: It is official. It is official. And actually, guys, I'm encouraging branches to consider a freeze on discretionary spending.
Michael: Such as salary, benefits, etc, etc. Insurance.
Charles: No, no, not salaries. Petty cash, supplies, and uh, you know, parties.
Michael: Well-
Dwight: What about your party?
Michael: Ok, ok, you know what? I think this has been great. I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen. [starts round of applause] He has a long trip home. Thank you for coming in. We have to get back to work.
Charles: Michael, I'm going to stay for the day.
Michael: Oh no, no, no. You don't have to do that. I've got this covered. This was just a meet-and-greet.
Charles: No, it's a little bit more than that. I'm going to set up in here, ok?
Michael: I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have. Thrilled.
Michael: [on speakerphone] David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.
David: What gave you that idea?
Michael: It was my understanding.
David: I see.
Michael: Listen, why don't we just leave that position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability.
David: Look, Michael, Charles is very qualified. Get to know him. I really think the two of you are going to make a great team.
Michael: But the branch is still mine?
David: You're still the branch manager, yes, and if you need anything else at all, just let Charles know.
Dwight: Ask him about the party.
Michael: Oh, right. David, are you coming to my fifteenth anniversary party?
David: I'll give it my best shot, Michael.
Dwight: No the other thing.
Michael: Oh, ok. If we hire Cirque de Soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with year-end tax stuff? [several seconds of silence]
Dwight: He hung up?
David: No.
Michael: I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better. And I agree, so what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before.
Charles: No.
Michael: Come on. What's your wife's name? Where did you work before you came here?
Charles: Saticoy Steel.
Michael: Beautiful. See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names.
Charles: No, I worked at a company called Saticoy Steel.
Michael: You're not from paper?
Charles: No.
Michael: Does David know this?
Charles: Yeah, he knows. He just wants a good manager.
Michael: Well that, actually, is an excellent segue into really what is my only point-
Charles: And what is that?
Michael: And that- I-I don't need to be managed, Charles. And if you want pick up some tips, observing here, and take them to the other branches, it's all good. But Jan would mostly come by when she was super horny, and Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry, so... Are we clear?
Charles: That's not how I plan on doing things.
Michael: Ok, alright, well I'll just bounce that off David, see what comes back.
Charles: I'll tell David what he needs to know. Sorry. David wants it this way.
Michael: Whatever David wants.
Charles: Ok.
Michael: [on phone] Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible. Thanks.
Dwight: Oh, Michael, come on, no. You have to charm 'em. [calls back on speakerphone]
Stephanie: David Wallace's office.
Dwight: Hey there, gorgeous. How you doing today?
Stephanie: Good. Thank you.
Dwight: How's it hanging?
Stephanie: Alright. . .
Dwight: Good. Listen, my name is, uh, Michael... Scotch. And, uh, I just wanted to say that, uh, I've got David Wallace's son in the trunk of my car. If he doesn't get on this phone in 5 seconds-
Michael: No! You idiot! [hangs up] Idiot, idiot, idiot! What are you doing? God! Oh my god. [redials]
Stephanie: David Wallace's office.
Michael: Hi Stephanie, it's Michael Scott again. I just spoke with Michael Scotch and the son's going to be returned, everything's fine.
Stephanie: Michael...
Michael: And I really really need to talk to David.
Stephanie: Please hold.
Charles: [on cell phone] Charles Miner. Hello? Hello, who is this? Who is this?
Michael: I was never given a name. [hangs up, he and Dwight sigh in relief]
Pam: [to delivery men] Uh, hi, can I help you? I don't think anyone here-
Charles: Oh, uh, Pam? Hey everyone, lunch is on me today.
Angela: That is so unnecessary!
Michael: Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast?
Charles: It's no big deal.
Michael: I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad.
Charles: You still have that option. [Michael sighs]
Angela: Thanks again, Charles.
Kelly: Thank you.
Michael: Nobody thanked me.
Jim: Thanks, Charles.
Michael: For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties, and then you spend all of this money on lunch, I think it's a little hypercritical.
Charles: I do this for every branch I go to. If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels left over from this morning.
Michael: [on phone] Damn it, Stephanie, put me through to him. Is that him in the background? David? David! David, pick up the phone!
Kelly: Should I seduce him?
Angela: No. No one wants to see that. [both smile at David]
Kevin: Michael?
Michael: Yep.
Kevin: I just realized that I used the 2008 calendar to do the spreadsheets for January and February. I may need to come in this weekend to fix it.
Michael: Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what, Kevin, I applaud your initiative. Yes. You may.
Charles: Uh, no, sorry, Michael. No, Kevin, right? We're going to need you to do that during office hours.
Kevin: Ok.
Charles: Ok.
Michael: Kevin? This is my branch. You don't ask Charles. You ask me. I say, approved.
Charles: That's not the way it's gonna work.
Michael: Yes it is!
Charles: No, it is not.
Michael: No, it is not.
Charles: Ok, so we're on the same page, great.
Michael: Ok, so we're on the same page, great.
Charles: Ok, Michael, what are you doing?
Michael: Ok, Michael, what are you doing?
Charles: No, seriously.
Michael: No, seriously.
Charles: How old are you?
Michael: How old are you?
Pam: Oh no.
Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do, the more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.
Charles: Five years old?
Michael: Five years old?
Andy: Duuudes, stop.
Employees: [as Michael continues imitating Charles] Not a good idea, Michael. Michael, stop. Stop doing that. Stop it. You're going to get all of us in trouble.
Charles: I will walk away.
Michael: I'm gonna walk away.
Andy: Stop doing that!
Michael: I'm kidding around, wow! Relax, everybody, it's just a joke. It's fine. Boy, so touchy. PPC, let's continue our morning meeting in the conference room.
Pam: And then, out of that cake, pops another stripper holding a smaller cake. And then an even smaller stripper pops out of that one.
Michael: What is that smaller stripper holding?
Pam: Cupcake. It's cupcakes and strippers all the way down.
Michael: Ok.
Charles: What exactly is the PPC?
Phyllis: Oh, that's the Party Planning Committee. They spend hours planning parties.
Charles: Excuse me, guys. What's going on in here?
Michael: Party Planning Committee. Not your concern, Charles.
Charles: This doesn't seem like a good way to spend company time.
Michael: Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead.
Jim: No, I would like to get back to work, actually, please.
Charles: Whatcha got, Jim?... What is a two-way petting zoo?
Jim: You pet the animals and they pet you back.
Michael: It's a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay.
Pam: It's really just a regular shaped cake.
Michael: But it's cool, and it's-
Charles: This isn't a good use of company time, Michael.
Michael: Whoa. You're talking about my anniversary party, so. . .
Charles: Everyone, except for Michael, go back to your desks.
Michael: Yeah, why don't you do that?
Charles: [Dwight, Jim and Pam leave] Thank you very much.
Michael: Yeah, here we go. Ok.
Charles: Ok, Michael, I'm dissolving this committee.
Michael: What?
Charles: Yeah, I mean, come on. This is a work place. It isn't designed for your vanity.
Michael: Newsflash: I've been here for fifteen years. Headline: You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story!
Charles: I don't know if I have hurt your feelings or you do not disagree with my methods, but it is over.
Michael: Ok, no, no, no, no. No. You know what? I'm going to New York. And I am going to talk to David Wallace. [gets jacket] I'm going to tell him everything. And I'm sorry to say, you're screwed. And, you know what? You are gonna be through. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do that to you. Do you even know how paper is made? It's not like steel. You don't put it into a furnace. If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen? You'd ruin it. [pushes chair as he leaves]
Charles: [Jim knocks on door] Come in.
Jim: Hey.
Charles: Hey.
Jim: Alright, Charles, I've gotta be honest. I think we really got off on the wrong foot here. And, truth be told, I'm a pretty smart guy, and, uh, a hard-worker. And a great number two for the office.
Charles: Number two?
Jim: Second-in-command to Michael.
Charles: Oh, I didn't know that position existed.
Jim: Oh, that's because at first it was a made up position for Dwight, just to make him feel better, assistant to the regional manager. But then he lost that, and Michael gave it to me.
Charles: So you're the assistant to the regional manager?
Jim: Assistant regional manager, yeah.
Charles: Any responsibilities come with it?
Jim: No, not exactly.
Charles: So you keep this made up position? It's important to you?
Jim: Alright, I will, um, I'm just gonna let you get back to that.
Charles: Yeah, would you, uh?
Jim: Yep. [shuts door behind him]
Michael: Hello, Stephanie. Ok, where is he? [looks into empty office]
David: [coming out from bathroom] Michael.
Michael: [points to bathroom door] So is this the meeting you've been in all day?
David: How did you get here, Michael?
Michael: I drove.
David: Ok.
Michael: Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. I've already bought em. And I don't have a place to store them. So, I feel like I've been sort of boned.
David: Michael. Listen-
Michael: Do you talk to him about this? You've talked to him all day, obviously. Did you talk to him about this?
David: Well, I didn't know about the figs, specifically. . .
Michael: Ok. Then I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles, and then Charles was supposed to talk to you, and that would dilute any need for me to ever talk to you again.
David: That's not exactly-
Michael: Clearly that's what you wanted.
David: No.
Michael: Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot.
David: Yes.
Michael: I've put having a family on hold.
David: We didn't ask you to do that.
Michael: And I've never gone hang-gliding. And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington.
Charles: Ok. Nice meeting everyone. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Andy: Cool.
Dwight: Excellent.
Angela: It was very nice meeting you, Charles Miner.
Jim: See ya. See ya. [Charles leaves] Bye!
Jim: And for my next trick, I will make my career disappear.
Kelly: I could see our kids facing obstacles being half-Black and half-Indian, but it's so worth it, you guys.
Phyllis: It's just me here.
Kelly: I am going to get him to buy me a prime rib tonight.
Phyllis: I think he left.
Kelly: What?! Move! [pushes cameraman out of the way]
Angela: [Kelly runs to parking lot in the rain] Hello, Charles? Charles!
Kelly: Hey! Is that his scarf?
Angela: No! [Kelly chases Angela through parking lot]
Angela: [out of breath and wet] Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not. He is a sophisticated man. He does not need to go dumpster-diving for companionship, ok?
Michael: I don't understand that after fifteen years of service here, I have to get in the car and drive to New York in order to talk to you. That doesn't seem right to me. That doesn't seem fair. And I think that I've earned more than that.
David: Yeah. You're right. Yes. I get it. I get it, Michael. Here's what I'm going to do-
Michael: Ok.
David: We will move some money around, and I will personally see to it that you have your party, you have your figs. I will be in attendance. It's gonna be great. How's that?
Michael: [gets up to shake David's hand] I quit.
David: What?
Michael: You have no idea how high I can fly.
Andy: I'm telling you, when corporate sends somebody, it is big trouble, or, really good news. And then sometimes it means business as usual.
Meredith: Ok, what do you think?
Oscar: Well, it's-
Andy: Why are you asking him? I just told you why he's here.
Creed: The real question here is who's this guy work for?
Oscar: Dunder Mifflin.
Creed: Ah, it's all starting to make sense now.